Beavis and Butt-Head Do America (1996) Movie Script
This is cool.
Cut it out, butthole.
Hey, baby.
I'm like, pretty tall.
Cut it out, I'm trying to score!
Look at me, you buttholes.
- How's it going?
- No way, Beavis, I saw her first.
- Dammit, I'm gonna kick your ass!
- I saw her first. Get out of here.
Butt-head! Butt-head, wake up!
- Dammit, Beavis, I was about to score!
- Yeah, but check it out. It's gone.
- What?
- The TV.
- Oh, yeah. Well, where is it?
- I don't know.
I just woke up, and it was gone.
And look, the window's broken too.
A couple hundred bucks for this baby.
- I think I just figured something out.
- What?
- This sucks.
- Yeah, it really sucks.
This sucks more than anything
that has ever sucked before.
We must find this butthole
that took our TV.
It's not in here.
What are we gonna do, Butt-head?
What if we never find it?
Settle down, Beavis.
Hey, wait a minute. I don't wanna
go to school! We gotta find our TV.
Shut up, Beavis, I got an idea.
Let's just wheel this thing
back to the house.
Excuse me, boys.
What's going on here?
- Someone stole our TV.
- Yeah, we're gonna use this one. Move.
I'm afraid that TV belongs to the school.
This could be a really
positive experience for you guys.
There's an exciting world out there.
We don't need TV to entertain us.
He said "anus".
Entertain us. Anus. Oh, yeah.
Have you guys heard a word I said?
- Yeah, "anus".
- Yeah, I heard it too.
Just take the TV back
to the AV room, right now.
And try to be a little more open
to life experiences.
What a dork.
Just get it over here.
- That was cool.
- No, it wasn't!
Oh, yeah.
What's going on out here? Oh, no!
- That belongs to the school.
- It's supposed to be in the AV room.
Get back here! Beavis and Butt-head,
you're both expelled!
Check it out, Beavis.
I didn't know Anderson had a camper.
Maybe it has a TV.
Are you boys here
to look at the refrigerator?.
- No.
- We're here to look at the TV.
Tom didn't tell me it was broken.
Go on in.
That should hold. The most important
thing you can have on a camper -
- is a good butane regulator.
And this here's the best one they make.
- I hope we can get that fridge fixed.
- We've saved for this trip forever.
We're going come hell or high water.
What in the hell is that?
Must be them damn buzzard hawks.
Gotta get me something to drink.
- This crap is warm!
- You butthole, you broke it!
I know. Dammit!
- What the hell's going on here?
- They're here to fix the TV.
- The TV ain't broken.
- Yeah, it is.
You two look kind of familiar.
Ain't you them kids that have been
whacking off in my tool shed?
- We still don't have a TV, Butt-head.
- I know, Beavis.
- Dammit! I can't sleep without a TV!
- Dumb-ass.
- What's your problem, Beavis?
- I need TV.
I need TV now, dammit!
- Dammit.
- No...
- Dammit.
- No...
You sure these guys can pull this off?
It's got to look like an accident.
Beavis and Butt-head!
You little bastards!
- Can we watch your TV?
- No, you're expelled. Get out of here!
I need a TV now.
We're missing everything.
Hold on a minute. That must be them.
I'll call you back. Come in!
TV, yeah!
- You're late.
- Really?. Did we miss "Baywatch"?
Earl said you guys were young,
but Jeez...
As long as you can get the job done.
What are your names?
- Butt-head.
- I'm Beavis.
I don't wanna know your real names
anyway. Mine's Muddy.
I'll get right to the point. 10 grand plus
expenses, payable after you do her.
Do her?.
I'm offering you $10,000 plus expenses
to do my wife. We got a deal?
- Actually, we just wanna watch TV.
- Shut up, Beavis.
- Yeah, we'll do your wife.
- No, I wanna watch TV.
Dammit, Beavis, you butt-munch.
He wants us to score with his wife.
And he's gonna pay us.
We can buy a new TV.
Really?. Cool.
- We'll do it, sir.
- Let's get down to business.
Here she is, boys. Her name's Dallas.
She ain't as sweet as she looks.
She stole everything from me. She'll
do you twice as fast as you do her.
Cool.
She's holed up in a room in Las Vegas.
I got you a room right next to hers.
- I'll drive you to the airport.
- "Holed up".
Hole...
- Can we watch some TV first?
- No.
Listen, this is real important.
My wife's got this leather satchel.
It's a black bag about this big.
Bring it back.
Sentimental value.
Any questions so far?.
Does she have big hooters?
She sure does.
This is gonna be cool.
You guys are funny.
Let's have a drink on it.
Don't let me down.
We're gonna get paid to score.
Then we're gonna get a big-screen TV,
with two remotes.
Beavis, this is the greatest day
of our lives.
Here you are.
Hey Beavis, she touched my butt.
- Are you to heading for Las Vegas?
- Yeah, we're gonna score.
I hope to score big there myself.
I'm mostly gonna be doing the slots.
I'm hoping to do some sluts, too.
- Do they have a lot of sluts in Vegas?
- You won't know where to begin.
Butt-head, this chick is pretty cool.
She says there's lots of sluts in Vegas.
It's so nice to meet young men
who are so well-mannered.
I'm gonna have money, a big-screen TV,
and there's gonna be sluts everywhere.
- It's gonna rule.
- Well, that's nice.
...forpre-flightsafetyinstructions.
To fasten yourseatbelt,
insert the free end into the coupling.
"Insert"...
Hi, can I help you with that?
- There you go. All set.
- I love you.
Cut it out! I want her to do it.
Come to Butt-head.
Flight attendants, prepare for take-off..
Hey, what's going on?
- We're gonna die! We're all gonna die!
- Come to Butt-head.
Could you, like,
do that thing with my belt again?
- This is her.
- She looks lovely.
I'm probably gonna make out with her
before we... get down, you know?.
You have to speak up, son.
I have this ringing in my ears.
My doctor says it could be related
to my heart palpitations.
Really?. I poop too much.
Maybe you're lactose intolerant.
No, I poop too much.
And then I get tired.
Tired? I know all about tired, dear.
I have just the thing for you.
Take a couple of these.
- They perk me right up.
- Thanks.
Tastes like crap.
- What else you got?
- Go right ahead. Help yourself.
So... going to Las Vegas?
Our dinner selections for tonight are
chicken piccata or seafood gumbo.
- Does the gumbo have corn in it?
- Cornholio needs piccata for bunghole!
- You'll have to wait your turn, sir.
- My bunghole will not wait.
Hey, I got a beer. Want some?
I am Cornholio!
- Get the hell out of the cockpit!
- You said...
This is Las Vegas?
I thought there'd be casinos
and lights and stuff.
- Why's that guy holding a sign?
- Maybe he's blind.
Check this out.
Excuse me, would you guys know
where I could find these guys?
Someone named Boot?
- This says "Beavis".
- And "Boot-head".
"Butt-head". Don't you get it? These
dudes have the same names as us.
- Really?. We should party.
- This way, sirs.
So where are those guys?
- Where the hell is he?
- You sure this is the right place?
- You Muddy?.
- You the cops?
No. Earl sent us. You know,
to take care of your wife.
What the hell are you talking about?
Who were those other two clowns?
Dammit!
She did it to me again!
I'm kill all three of them!
I noticed your TV was broken.
You wanna buy a new one?
- Leave it. Worthless piece of crap.
- Let's start stealing from rich people.
I'm sorry about that misunderstanding.
We didn't know you were hotel guests.
- If there's anything we can do to...
- Dammit. The thing's stuck.
- It's attached to the...
- Dumb-ass, let me try.
That guy's still standing there.
Could you, like, not stand there?
- Some people are dumb.
- Yeah, really.
Check it out, Beavis.
I wonder where this goes.
I think I hear a chick.
Really?. Cool!
Who are you? CIA? FBl? ATF?
Hey, it's her!
Hey, baby.
Are we, like, gonna do it?
- You got two seconds.
- Is that gonna be enough time?
- Who sent you?
- This drunk dude.
He said he was gonna pay us to do you.
Muddy... son of a bitch.
What's he paying you?
- Ten...
- Ten grand?
That cheap ass.
I got a better deal for you.
I'll double it if you go back and do him.
You want us to do a guy?.
No way.
I don't know. That is a lot of money.
Maybe if we pretend he's a chick...
Damn. You two wait right there.
- I'm ready for love.
- I don't believe this.
Give me the number
for Dream America Tours.
You got a bus leaving today?.
Where's it going?
Washington D.C. Five minutes?
Perfect. Give me two tickets.
- No way, you always go first.
- We've never done this before.
- Wanna... you know...
- ... do it? We're finally gonna score!
Do it..?
You guys wanna score?
- You wait here.
- Bunghole!
Don't wear yourselves out, boys.
Save some energy for me.
- This is it. We're finally gonna score.
- Thank God.
Oh yeah, we're gonna do it, all right.
Boys... boys...
Boys!
First you have to do a little job for me.
Would you like to do a job for me?
Here's what it is: I want you
to take the bus to Washington D.C.
And when you get there, I'll be waiting.
You'll make a lot of money.
And I'm gonna give you everything.
Until then, keep your pants on.
Your bus is downstairs waiting,
so get going.
This is gonna be cool.
- I want the window.
- Why don't you take turns?
- It's that slut from the plane.
- Oh, it's you two.
- How'd you do in Las Vegas?
- We didn't score yet.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
Me, I took a beating.
Cool.
So I'm bussing across America.
I'm so glad you're here.
Jim, I want you to meet two nice boys.
This is Travis and Bob.
What's your last name, dear?.
Head.
My first name's Butt.
Agent Flemming, ATF.
Tell us where it is, or Agent Hurly
will give you another cavity search.
- Is that a promise?
- We know who you are. Tell her, Bork.
Dallas Grimes. Wife of Muddy Grimes.
You run an arms smuggling ring.
You got my bad side.
Three days ago you pulled a job
at the Army Research Facility.
You stole the X-5 unit. You had it
with you when you checked in.
Be a good girl and tell us where it is.
You gonna charge me with anything?
I didn't think so.
Should I have my lawyer
file a "wrongful arrest"?
We got nothing. We can only hold her
for another few hours.
Dammit! Cut her loose.
Where's that damn unit?
We're in Washington.
We're gonna score now.
Actually, we're at the Hoover Dam.
- No, we're in Washington!
- We're gonna score now.
Over 40,000 tons of concrete
were used to build the dam.
The dam is 51 storeys high.
It can generate
2.074 megawatts of electricity.
But on the average,
it generates 25%%% of that.
Anyone know how much energy
it takes to power Las Vegas?
I have a question. Is this a god-dam?
- Follow me this way.
- This is dumb. Let's go find that chick.
Yeah, enough of this crap.
Check it out.
- TV.
- Cool.
I've got to hit the head.
Can you get me some coffee?
Talk to me, Bork.
A witness saw two boys leaving
Dallas' room shortly before we arrived.
- Did you give him a cavity search?
- The witness?
- You can never be too careful.
- I didn't think it was necessary.
We have a picture of them
from the elevator security cam.
They look like a couple of kids.
Don't you realise
what kids today are capable of?
- All they have is shows about water.
- They need some shows about fire.
- What are you doing, Beavis?
- Something's wrong with my butt.
Your butt sucks.
- How come there's no sound?
- I'll fix it.
There you go. Louder! Louder!
"Master"... Masturbation.
It doesn't get any better than this.
This here's God's country. Unspoiled...
I think I found the remote.
What the hell's going on?
That's all I know. They got on the bus.
It was probably heading west.
- Please!
- I'm gonna kill them!
- That was boring.
- The same thing over and over again.
We can't leave Washington
till we find that chick.
We're a long ways from Washington.
This is the Hoover Dam.
Dam... I'll be damned.
You boys better show up.
- You see what I see, Bork?.
- I see it, I just don't get it.
Half the state's looking for you,
how do you get away?.
- Cut the power.
- We're dealing with pros. Terrorists.
- What's the scoop on that stolen unit?
- It's not good. Roll the tape.
The X-5 is a new biological weapon.
A man-made virus.
The deadliest known to man.
It can wipe out five states in five days.
Here's what happened
when it was tested on army recruits.
Look at these guys. This thing
is a veritable doomsday device.
If this were to fall into
the wrong hands...
And the casing is flawed. If hit hard,
it can break open, releasing the virus.
These are the most dangerous men
in America.
I want these faces in front of
every Fed and sheriff for 1,000 miles.
The orders are, dead or alive.
Let's pray that nothing hits that unit.
- Cut it out, Butt-head.
- I want to sit by the window.
Next stop, Grand Canyon.
It's like it's coming out of his ass.
It's coming out of the ass of the ass.
The poop's coming out
of the ass of the ass.
There are over 200 active geysers
in Yellowstone Park.
Old Faithful here is one of the largest.
During an eruption, the water
can reach as high as 200 feet.
So?
The geyser shoots out 12,000 gallons
of water in a single eruption.
- That's not that much.
- Let's get out of here.
If you'll step over here,
the geyser is seconds away...
- It's incredible.
- Yeah, that's amazing.
- That's incredible.
- That's amazing.
Can't wait forever.
Damn kids. No respect.
They don't appreciate anything.
Oh, my God!
Wait! Stop! Darn it.
Get me the police.
This is the coolest thing I've ever seen.
Chief, we got 'em. They're on a senior
citizens' tour bus going south on 89.
That was great.
Is this the right bus?
Hey Beavis, we're on a bus with chicks.
Hey, baby.
- They're not on the bus.
- I want full cavity searches.
- Go deep on 'em.
- Agent Hurly.
These guys are damn smart. They're
probably a hundred miles away by now.
This book kicks ass.
There's a talking snake -
- and a naked chick, and then
this dude puts a leaf on his schlong.
- Check it out, porta-potties.
- Cool, I gotta take a dump.
Where's the toilet?
Forgive me, Father, I've sinned.
I slept with a woman.
Really?. Was she naked?
- Yes, Father. Please forgive me.
- Cool.
Could you, like, see her boobs?
- I'm sorry, how many Hail Marys?
- A thousand.
And I want you to hit yourself
right now. Do it!
Harder! Do it again!
Welcome to the petrified forest, the
world's largestslte ofpetrified wood.
"Wood".
You may wonder,
how can wood getso hard?
The wood became hard
over two million years ago.
Wood...
- Hey, where'd those chicks go?
- I think you scared them off.
This sucks. What are we doing here?
I don't know.
Do you know where Washington is?
- About 2,000 miles that way.
- Cool. Thanks.
Didn't see which way they went.
I don't suppose you tried to stop them?
The most dangerous guys in America?
I make $9 an hour.
National security is a responsibility
of every American. Bork...
- Cavity search?
- Deep and hard.
I want roadblocks. Every road
out of here for 200 miles.
This sucks. It's all hot and stuff.
This desert is stupid. They need
to put a drinking fountain out here.
Yeah, like a 7-11 or something.
- Something wrong?
- We're looking for these two.
That's them two kids
that have been whacking in my camper.
- You saw these two?
- I never seen two kids whack so much.
- Blue Den, I have positive ID.
- They're like two spider monkeys.
- Please step out of the vehicle.
- But we're on our way to Washington...
Now!
Wait right there. You're dealing with
a veteran of two foreign wars.
If I find anything broken in there,
you and I are gonna tangle.
Masturbating in a man's camper.
We're dealing with two sick individuals.
I want that camper torn apart.
Full cavity searches all around.
Something tells me
he could be involved.
Chief, an airline had a problem with
someone calling himself Cornholio.
- Guess who matches the description?
- Finally, a real break!
Get that flight's point of origin.
We're gonna kick some ass.
One of you bastards got a match?
Yeah, my butt and your... butt.
Here's a song that might help you
cope with some of those feelings.
It's called "Lesbian Seagull".
She flies so gracefully
overrocks, trees and sand
soaring over cliffs and gently
floating down to land
she proudly lifts her voice
to sound the mating call
and soon hermate responds
bysinging "caw, caw, caw"
come wlth me
lesbian seagull
settle down and rest wlth me
flyhigh
lesbian seagull...
That's him! He's their teacher!
- What's going on here?
- I'll ask the questions.
- Are these your students?
- I assume you're a government agent.
You must know there's something in
this country called "due process".
That's what I'd expect from the guy
who taught these two. Take him away.
I believe I'm supposed to be read
my Miranda rights.
- I always knew they were no good.
- Shut up.
You've been harbouring
two criminal masterminds.
You know that guy whose camper
they whacked off in?
You represent the US Government.
Never end a sentence
with a preposition.
You know that guy,
in whose camper they...
That guy off in whose camper
they were whacking?
We ran a sample through the sperm
bank. There's two possible fathers.
Former Motley Crue roadies
turned drifters.
- You were a roadie for Motley Crue?
- Yep.
Fire.
Here's another true story: 15 years ago,
we stopped in a toilet called Highland.
Really?. That's where we're from.
Then you know what I'm talking about.
- I scored with these two chicks.
- Yeah, me too.
- You scored with two chicks?
- Yeah, they were sluts.
Shut up, dumb ass. You didn't score.
I scored with both of them.
Do you think these two sluts
still live in Highland?
That would be cool.
You wanna see something really cool?
Fire! Cool...
Where'd those guys go?
- Are we almost there yet?
- Probably another five minutes or so.
The sun sucks.
Cut it out, butthole!
Hey Butt-head, isn't there
supposed to be water in cactuses?
Hey Beavis, check it out.
No, I can't say that I've seen them.
I hope it's safe to drive around here.
Just stick to the main roads.
They're probably hiding in the desert.
That's good to know.
- Hey Butt-head, are we gonna die?
- Probably.
I think my life is, like,
flashing in front of my eyes.
My life was cool.
Wait a minute,
I think I'm seeing something, too.
It's a really long time ago.
This is gonna be cool.
How's it going?
Yeah, I scored.
Butt-head, I'm starting to feel weird.
- I think I'm freaking out.
- Okay.
This is cool.
Everything looks all weird.
There's all these weird shapes.
It's like a music video.
What's going on?
Fire! Fire!
I'm all wet.
Cool... water.
I'm gonna enjoy this.
Any last words before I kill you?
I have a couple.
"Butt-cheeks".
And "boobs". I just want
to say that again. Boobs.
- I'm gonna blow you both to hell!
- Cool.
Beavis, that's that dude that's paying us
to do his wife.
Can you take us to Washington?
We're gonna meet her there and...
That's where
she's meeting up with you?
I just might need you boys after all.
Get in the trunk. Both of you. Now!
- Boy, it sure is hard to score.
- Yeah, really.
Hey Butt-head, check it out.
Ajack.
"Jack".
Hey Beavis, check it out.
I'm jacking off.
Let's get out of here.
You go first.
I don't know,
that road's moving pretty fast.
Just run really fast
as soon as you hit the ground. It'll work.
- No way. You go.
- Don't be a wuss.
That was cool.
What I wouldn't give for five minutes
alone with them two bastards.
Bob, the news out here is not good.
Authorities are calling this -
- the worsthighway disaster
in the nation's history.
Over 400 vehicles lay wrecked orstuck.
- Chief, look!
- Well I'll be a blue-nosed gopher.
- Where did they come from?
- The question's, where are they going?
Representatives from G-PAC willmeet
in Washington tomorrow...
What the hell..? Bork,
where was that bus heading?
- D.C.
- Jesus jumped up...
What would happen
if they set that thing off in Washington?
Or if they sold it to some foreigner
at that conference? It won't happen.
This kicks ass.
- Travis and Bob-head. Hello!
- Butt-head, it's that chick.
Oh, yeah. Cool.
Maybe they can take us to Washington
and we can finally score.
- Isn't Seattle in Washington?
- Yep, it sure is.
Cool. I'm thinking we can go see Hole
after we score.
"Hole"...
Expecting somebody?.
Well, well...
Look at this. The love of my life.
Where have you been?
Honey, I was gonna split it with you
after I sold it. I swear.
But now you don't have to bother.
Why don't we just forget about it
and go get a room, like old times?
I don't think so. Where is it?
Allsenators are requested for a vote.
- Can I help you?
- We're looking for Washington.
We're meeting a chick with big hooters.
- You are in Washington.
- Really?. Where is she?
Could you announce
that we're ready to score?
No. Just a moment.
Attention... We're looking
for the chick wlth big boobs.
Yeah, we are ready to do you now.
In case you forget who you're dealing
with. I got your mules in my trunk.
Damn! Damn!
I am gonna kill 'em!
No, honey, we're gonna kill 'em.
Next stop, White House.
- Why are we getting back on the bus?
- It's time to go, son.
We can't leave. What about that chick?.
We were supposed to get some.
- Settle down, Beavis.
- No, I won't.
Dammit, this always happens. I think
I'm gonna score, and then I never score.
It's not fair. We travelled... 100 miles
because we thought we'd score.
- Sit down.
- Shut up, ass-wipe.
We'll never score. We'll just get old like
these people, but they probably scored.
Sit down!
This chick's a slut. And this guy's old
but he probably scored a million times.
- Oh, yeah.
- But not us. We're never gonna score!
All right, that's it, numb-nuts.
Well, look what we have here.
You two make me sick. Book 'em, Bork.
- You don't have anything on us.
- How about lewd conduct?
Maybe indecent exposure.
One of you will get me the unit.
The other can spend 60 years in jail.
We're back together,
and you'll never...
He stole the unit. He said
he put it in some kid's pants.
You damn little four-legged...
Travis, it doesn't do a body good
to get all worked up.
Here, this should help you relax.
Does that say "Xanax'?
Yeah, probably. I don't know.
What else you got?
Our suspects are on a tour bus
we believe is heading for...
...the White House. Jumpin' Jesus!
I want everyone there. Our people,
locals. Orders are: Shoot to kill.
- You know what's really cool?
- Shut up.
In case you don't know,
you've come on a very special day.
Gathered today for a global conference
called Give Peace a Chance, G-PAC, -
- are representatives
from around the world.
Many of the portraits were saved from
the fire set by the British.
- Fire...
- What's your problem, Beavis?
The site for the White House was
chosen by Washington and L'Enfant.
L'Enfentatta tititatta for my bunghole.
Are you okay?.
Are you threatening me?
I am Cornholio.
Maybe you should wait out in the lobby.
In this lobby, will there be TP,
for my bunghole?
Where are you when we need you, Ike?
Even with all we've been through,
it don't change a thing.
I said it before and I'll say it again.
This is the greatest country on earth.
Say, that looks kind of like...
No, it couldn't be.
Are you threatening me?
I am Cornholio.
The President does plan to speak
at the conference.
It's rumoured that a biological weapon
has been stolen during the conference.
Those rumours are entirely unfounded.
I am the great Cornholio.
I am a gringo.
I have no bunghole.
Bungholio...
This is the state dining-room,
where world leaders are entertained.
Where's the TV?
- There are no TV's in the dining-room.
- This house sucks.
Evacuation? It's probably
just another bomb threat or something.
Is this the lobby?.
I am Cornholio!
I need TP for my bunghole!
- Yes, Mr President?
- I am Cornholio. Mybunghole goes...
Mr President, I can't make out
what you're saying.
Sir, the President sounds strange.
Washington may be under attack.
Go to defcon 4.
Move it along, folks.
Hey, baby.
I noticed you have braces.
I have braces, too.
That was cool.
This is the coolest thing
I have ever seen.
- All right, where's the unit?
- My unit?
In my pants.
- Not on him, Chief.
- Agent Hurly, give him a cavity search.
Don't stop till you reach
the back of his teeth.
- We're awaltingyour final order.
- Surrender your TP.
Mr President, in the name of all that's
holy, I must have those launch codes.
I am Cornholio!
You will cooperate with my bunghole.
For there is but one bunghole.
The almighty Bunghole.
He's clean, Chief.
Did I just score?
The other guy must have it.
He's here somewhere.
...bunghole...
I'm sorry for the inconvenience, but
we'll have to wait outside. Follow me.
- TP for my bunghole.
- Yes. TP for my bunghole. Pretty good.
Let them through. They're with the
conference. It's okay, he's with them.
You cannot run
from your own bunghole.
Bunghole, bunghole, bunghole...
Boy, it really makes you proud.
I could stay in here all day.
- Sir, you'll have to leave. Now.
- Wait a minute. That's enough.
I planned this trip my whole life...
- Something about a "Cornholio".
- We haven't seen the Lincoln Room!
Chief, isn't that the guy
whose camper they were whacking...
- Off in whose whacking camper...
- Not now, Bork.
This country's
going to hell in a hand basket.
I'm gonna go right now
and talk to my congressman about this.
What the hell..?
Wait here a minute.
What in the hell is that damn noise?
- How's it going?
- Pull your damn pants up, boy!
Get out! If I ever catch you whacking
in here again, I'm gonna hog-tie you.
Dammit,
now I got to straighten up in here!
- We cleared all floors. No sign of him.
- Where the hell is he?
- Chief, isn't that the camper..?
- Bork, not now.
- Chief, look.
- I'll be a monkey's bare-assed uncle.
All units, we got him. He's in front of a
white camper on Pennsylvania Ave.
I am Cornholio!
I will lay waste to your bunghole.
Nobody shoot.
He could have the unit on him.
Keep your distance.
We don't want to risk hitting it.
- Where are his pants?
- Who knows?
This is Agent Flemming. We won't
hurt you. We just want the unit.
- Tell us where the unit is.
- Do you have TP for my bunghole?
We'll get you whatever you want.
Get the other kid.
- Do you have any holio?
- This is Bork. We need some TP.
And some... What did he say?.
Whoa, this rules.
Can I have a gun, too?
You must bow down
to the almighty Bunghole.
This is your last chance.
Give us the unit.
Why does everybody
want to see my schlong?
He's jerking us off. We have to
take him out. Fire on my orders.
I am the one and only Bunghole!
This is your last chance.
I'm gonna give you three seconds.
Get ready to fire on the count of three.
One...
Would you like to see my bunghole?
- I will show you my bunghole.
- Two!
I have no bunghole.
- What's going on?
- Three!
- Take your damn pants with you!
- Hold your fire.
- The pants! He's got the unit!
- Drop the pants, now!
Wait a minute. I ain't the one...
Here you go.
- Wait just a minute, mister!
- Take a look at this.
- How do you explain this?
- What the hell are you talking about?
Using two innocent teenagers
as pawns in your sick game, huh?
- I don't know what this is about.
- Take him away.
Get your damn hands off me!
You don't know who you're dealing
with. I'm a veteran of two foreign wars.
I ain't the one.
I always thought
there was something wrong with him.
- He had a lot of problems.
- He used to hit me, too.
Hey, does anyone want to see my unit?
I got to admit it, I had you boys wrong.
I thought you were scum.
But you saved more lives today
than you'll ever know.
- This country owes you a debt.
- You mean, we get money and stuff?
And chicks.
We were supposed to score.
For security reasons, your actions
have to remain top secret, -
- but someone very special
wants to give you his thanks.
Beavis and Butt-head,
on behalf of your fellow Americans -
- I extend my thanks. You exemplify
a fine new crop of young Americans -
- who will grow into the leaders
of this great country.
He said "extend".
In recognition of your great service,
I'm appointing you honorary agents -
- in the Bureau of Alcohol,
Tobacco and Firearms.
- Alcohol and tobacco?
- Yeah, and firearms.
- Cool, huh?
- Cigarettes and beer kick ass.
We're in the Bureau of Beer
and Fire and Cigarettes.
- And maybe some chicks, too.
- This is gonna be cool.
You know what sucks? We never
scored and we never got any money.
- And my butt's still sore...
- Butt-head, look!
Yes! Yes!
You think we're ever gonna score?
I probably will. But not you.
You're too much of a butt-monkey.
- Shut up, dill-hole.
- Butt-dumpling.
- Turd-burglar.
- Ass-goblin.
Shut up. Hey, doesn't Tom Anderson
live on this street?
I need to stop by his tool shed
for a couple of minutes.
"Tool"...
Cut it out, butthole.
Hey, baby.
I'm like, pretty tall.
Cut it out, I'm trying to score!
Look at me, you buttholes.
- How's it going?
- No way, Beavis, I saw her first.
- Dammit, I'm gonna kick your ass!
- I saw her first. Get out of here.
Butt-head! Butt-head, wake up!
- Dammit, Beavis, I was about to score!
- Yeah, but check it out. It's gone.
- What?
- The TV.
- Oh, yeah. Well, where is it?
- I don't know.
I just woke up, and it was gone.
And look, the window's broken too.
A couple hundred bucks for this baby.
- I think I just figured something out.
- What?
- This sucks.
- Yeah, it really sucks.
This sucks more than anything
that has ever sucked before.
We must find this butthole
that took our TV.
It's not in here.
What are we gonna do, Butt-head?
What if we never find it?
Settle down, Beavis.
Hey, wait a minute. I don't wanna
go to school! We gotta find our TV.
Shut up, Beavis, I got an idea.
Let's just wheel this thing
back to the house.
Excuse me, boys.
What's going on here?
- Someone stole our TV.
- Yeah, we're gonna use this one. Move.
I'm afraid that TV belongs to the school.
This could be a really
positive experience for you guys.
There's an exciting world out there.
We don't need TV to entertain us.
He said "anus".
Entertain us. Anus. Oh, yeah.
Have you guys heard a word I said?
- Yeah, "anus".
- Yeah, I heard it too.
Just take the TV back
to the AV room, right now.
And try to be a little more open
to life experiences.
What a dork.
Just get it over here.
- That was cool.
- No, it wasn't!
Oh, yeah.
What's going on out here? Oh, no!
- That belongs to the school.
- It's supposed to be in the AV room.
Get back here! Beavis and Butt-head,
you're both expelled!
Check it out, Beavis.
I didn't know Anderson had a camper.
Maybe it has a TV.
Are you boys here
to look at the refrigerator?.
- No.
- We're here to look at the TV.
Tom didn't tell me it was broken.
Go on in.
That should hold. The most important
thing you can have on a camper -
- is a good butane regulator.
And this here's the best one they make.
- I hope we can get that fridge fixed.
- We've saved for this trip forever.
We're going come hell or high water.
What in the hell is that?
Must be them damn buzzard hawks.
Gotta get me something to drink.
- This crap is warm!
- You butthole, you broke it!
I know. Dammit!
- What the hell's going on here?
- They're here to fix the TV.
- The TV ain't broken.
- Yeah, it is.
You two look kind of familiar.
Ain't you them kids that have been
whacking off in my tool shed?
- We still don't have a TV, Butt-head.
- I know, Beavis.
- Dammit! I can't sleep without a TV!
- Dumb-ass.
- What's your problem, Beavis?
- I need TV.
I need TV now, dammit!
- Dammit.
- No...
- Dammit.
- No...
You sure these guys can pull this off?
It's got to look like an accident.
Beavis and Butt-head!
You little bastards!
- Can we watch your TV?
- No, you're expelled. Get out of here!
I need a TV now.
We're missing everything.
Hold on a minute. That must be them.
I'll call you back. Come in!
TV, yeah!
- You're late.
- Really?. Did we miss "Baywatch"?
Earl said you guys were young,
but Jeez...
As long as you can get the job done.
What are your names?
- Butt-head.
- I'm Beavis.
I don't wanna know your real names
anyway. Mine's Muddy.
I'll get right to the point. 10 grand plus
expenses, payable after you do her.
Do her?.
I'm offering you $10,000 plus expenses
to do my wife. We got a deal?
- Actually, we just wanna watch TV.
- Shut up, Beavis.
- Yeah, we'll do your wife.
- No, I wanna watch TV.
Dammit, Beavis, you butt-munch.
He wants us to score with his wife.
And he's gonna pay us.
We can buy a new TV.
Really?. Cool.
- We'll do it, sir.
- Let's get down to business.
Here she is, boys. Her name's Dallas.
She ain't as sweet as she looks.
She stole everything from me. She'll
do you twice as fast as you do her.
Cool.
She's holed up in a room in Las Vegas.
I got you a room right next to hers.
- I'll drive you to the airport.
- "Holed up".
Hole...
- Can we watch some TV first?
- No.
Listen, this is real important.
My wife's got this leather satchel.
It's a black bag about this big.
Bring it back.
Sentimental value.
Any questions so far?.
Does she have big hooters?
She sure does.
This is gonna be cool.
You guys are funny.
Let's have a drink on it.
Don't let me down.
We're gonna get paid to score.
Then we're gonna get a big-screen TV,
with two remotes.
Beavis, this is the greatest day
of our lives.
Here you are.
Hey Beavis, she touched my butt.
- Are you to heading for Las Vegas?
- Yeah, we're gonna score.
I hope to score big there myself.
I'm mostly gonna be doing the slots.
I'm hoping to do some sluts, too.
- Do they have a lot of sluts in Vegas?
- You won't know where to begin.
Butt-head, this chick is pretty cool.
She says there's lots of sluts in Vegas.
It's so nice to meet young men
who are so well-mannered.
I'm gonna have money, a big-screen TV,
and there's gonna be sluts everywhere.
- It's gonna rule.
- Well, that's nice.
...forpre-flightsafetyinstructions.
To fasten yourseatbelt,
insert the free end into the coupling.
"Insert"...
Hi, can I help you with that?
- There you go. All set.
- I love you.
Cut it out! I want her to do it.
Come to Butt-head.
Flight attendants, prepare for take-off..
Hey, what's going on?
- We're gonna die! We're all gonna die!
- Come to Butt-head.
Could you, like,
do that thing with my belt again?
- This is her.
- She looks lovely.
I'm probably gonna make out with her
before we... get down, you know?.
You have to speak up, son.
I have this ringing in my ears.
My doctor says it could be related
to my heart palpitations.
Really?. I poop too much.
Maybe you're lactose intolerant.
No, I poop too much.
And then I get tired.
Tired? I know all about tired, dear.
I have just the thing for you.
Take a couple of these.
- They perk me right up.
- Thanks.
Tastes like crap.
- What else you got?
- Go right ahead. Help yourself.
So... going to Las Vegas?
Our dinner selections for tonight are
chicken piccata or seafood gumbo.
- Does the gumbo have corn in it?
- Cornholio needs piccata for bunghole!
- You'll have to wait your turn, sir.
- My bunghole will not wait.
Hey, I got a beer. Want some?
I am Cornholio!
- Get the hell out of the cockpit!
- You said...
This is Las Vegas?
I thought there'd be casinos
and lights and stuff.
- Why's that guy holding a sign?
- Maybe he's blind.
Check this out.
Excuse me, would you guys know
where I could find these guys?
Someone named Boot?
- This says "Beavis".
- And "Boot-head".
"Butt-head". Don't you get it? These
dudes have the same names as us.
- Really?. We should party.
- This way, sirs.
So where are those guys?
- Where the hell is he?
- You sure this is the right place?
- You Muddy?.
- You the cops?
No. Earl sent us. You know,
to take care of your wife.
What the hell are you talking about?
Who were those other two clowns?
Dammit!
She did it to me again!
I'm kill all three of them!
I noticed your TV was broken.
You wanna buy a new one?
- Leave it. Worthless piece of crap.
- Let's start stealing from rich people.
I'm sorry about that misunderstanding.
We didn't know you were hotel guests.
- If there's anything we can do to...
- Dammit. The thing's stuck.
- It's attached to the...
- Dumb-ass, let me try.
That guy's still standing there.
Could you, like, not stand there?
- Some people are dumb.
- Yeah, really.
Check it out, Beavis.
I wonder where this goes.
I think I hear a chick.
Really?. Cool!
Who are you? CIA? FBl? ATF?
Hey, it's her!
Hey, baby.
Are we, like, gonna do it?
- You got two seconds.
- Is that gonna be enough time?
- Who sent you?
- This drunk dude.
He said he was gonna pay us to do you.
Muddy... son of a bitch.
What's he paying you?
- Ten...
- Ten grand?
That cheap ass.
I got a better deal for you.
I'll double it if you go back and do him.
You want us to do a guy?.
No way.
I don't know. That is a lot of money.
Maybe if we pretend he's a chick...
Damn. You two wait right there.
- I'm ready for love.
- I don't believe this.
Give me the number
for Dream America Tours.
You got a bus leaving today?.
Where's it going?
Washington D.C. Five minutes?
Perfect. Give me two tickets.
- No way, you always go first.
- We've never done this before.
- Wanna... you know...
- ... do it? We're finally gonna score!
Do it..?
You guys wanna score?
- You wait here.
- Bunghole!
Don't wear yourselves out, boys.
Save some energy for me.
- This is it. We're finally gonna score.
- Thank God.
Oh yeah, we're gonna do it, all right.
Boys... boys...
Boys!
First you have to do a little job for me.
Would you like to do a job for me?
Here's what it is: I want you
to take the bus to Washington D.C.
And when you get there, I'll be waiting.
You'll make a lot of money.
And I'm gonna give you everything.
Until then, keep your pants on.
Your bus is downstairs waiting,
so get going.
This is gonna be cool.
- I want the window.
- Why don't you take turns?
- It's that slut from the plane.
- Oh, it's you two.
- How'd you do in Las Vegas?
- We didn't score yet.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
Me, I took a beating.
Cool.
So I'm bussing across America.
I'm so glad you're here.
Jim, I want you to meet two nice boys.
This is Travis and Bob.
What's your last name, dear?.
Head.
My first name's Butt.
Agent Flemming, ATF.
Tell us where it is, or Agent Hurly
will give you another cavity search.
- Is that a promise?
- We know who you are. Tell her, Bork.
Dallas Grimes. Wife of Muddy Grimes.
You run an arms smuggling ring.
You got my bad side.
Three days ago you pulled a job
at the Army Research Facility.
You stole the X-5 unit. You had it
with you when you checked in.
Be a good girl and tell us where it is.
You gonna charge me with anything?
I didn't think so.
Should I have my lawyer
file a "wrongful arrest"?
We got nothing. We can only hold her
for another few hours.
Dammit! Cut her loose.
Where's that damn unit?
We're in Washington.
We're gonna score now.
Actually, we're at the Hoover Dam.
- No, we're in Washington!
- We're gonna score now.
Over 40,000 tons of concrete
were used to build the dam.
The dam is 51 storeys high.
It can generate
2.074 megawatts of electricity.
But on the average,
it generates 25%%% of that.
Anyone know how much energy
it takes to power Las Vegas?
I have a question. Is this a god-dam?
- Follow me this way.
- This is dumb. Let's go find that chick.
Yeah, enough of this crap.
Check it out.
- TV.
- Cool.
I've got to hit the head.
Can you get me some coffee?
Talk to me, Bork.
A witness saw two boys leaving
Dallas' room shortly before we arrived.
- Did you give him a cavity search?
- The witness?
- You can never be too careful.
- I didn't think it was necessary.
We have a picture of them
from the elevator security cam.
They look like a couple of kids.
Don't you realise
what kids today are capable of?
- All they have is shows about water.
- They need some shows about fire.
- What are you doing, Beavis?
- Something's wrong with my butt.
Your butt sucks.
- How come there's no sound?
- I'll fix it.
There you go. Louder! Louder!
"Master"... Masturbation.
It doesn't get any better than this.
This here's God's country. Unspoiled...
I think I found the remote.
What the hell's going on?
That's all I know. They got on the bus.
It was probably heading west.
- Please!
- I'm gonna kill them!
- That was boring.
- The same thing over and over again.
We can't leave Washington
till we find that chick.
We're a long ways from Washington.
This is the Hoover Dam.
Dam... I'll be damned.
You boys better show up.
- You see what I see, Bork?.
- I see it, I just don't get it.
Half the state's looking for you,
how do you get away?.
- Cut the power.
- We're dealing with pros. Terrorists.
- What's the scoop on that stolen unit?
- It's not good. Roll the tape.
The X-5 is a new biological weapon.
A man-made virus.
The deadliest known to man.
It can wipe out five states in five days.
Here's what happened
when it was tested on army recruits.
Look at these guys. This thing
is a veritable doomsday device.
If this were to fall into
the wrong hands...
And the casing is flawed. If hit hard,
it can break open, releasing the virus.
These are the most dangerous men
in America.
I want these faces in front of
every Fed and sheriff for 1,000 miles.
The orders are, dead or alive.
Let's pray that nothing hits that unit.
- Cut it out, Butt-head.
- I want to sit by the window.
Next stop, Grand Canyon.
It's like it's coming out of his ass.
It's coming out of the ass of the ass.
The poop's coming out
of the ass of the ass.
There are over 200 active geysers
in Yellowstone Park.
Old Faithful here is one of the largest.
During an eruption, the water
can reach as high as 200 feet.
So?
The geyser shoots out 12,000 gallons
of water in a single eruption.
- That's not that much.
- Let's get out of here.
If you'll step over here,
the geyser is seconds away...
- It's incredible.
- Yeah, that's amazing.
- That's incredible.
- That's amazing.
Can't wait forever.
Damn kids. No respect.
They don't appreciate anything.
Oh, my God!
Wait! Stop! Darn it.
Get me the police.
This is the coolest thing I've ever seen.
Chief, we got 'em. They're on a senior
citizens' tour bus going south on 89.
That was great.
Is this the right bus?
Hey Beavis, we're on a bus with chicks.
Hey, baby.
- They're not on the bus.
- I want full cavity searches.
- Go deep on 'em.
- Agent Hurly.
These guys are damn smart. They're
probably a hundred miles away by now.
This book kicks ass.
There's a talking snake -
- and a naked chick, and then
this dude puts a leaf on his schlong.
- Check it out, porta-potties.
- Cool, I gotta take a dump.
Where's the toilet?
Forgive me, Father, I've sinned.
I slept with a woman.
Really?. Was she naked?
- Yes, Father. Please forgive me.
- Cool.
Could you, like, see her boobs?
- I'm sorry, how many Hail Marys?
- A thousand.
And I want you to hit yourself
right now. Do it!
Harder! Do it again!
Welcome to the petrified forest, the
world's largestslte ofpetrified wood.
"Wood".
You may wonder,
how can wood getso hard?
The wood became hard
over two million years ago.
Wood...
- Hey, where'd those chicks go?
- I think you scared them off.
This sucks. What are we doing here?
I don't know.
Do you know where Washington is?
- About 2,000 miles that way.
- Cool. Thanks.
Didn't see which way they went.
I don't suppose you tried to stop them?
The most dangerous guys in America?
I make $9 an hour.
National security is a responsibility
of every American. Bork...
- Cavity search?
- Deep and hard.
I want roadblocks. Every road
out of here for 200 miles.
This sucks. It's all hot and stuff.
This desert is stupid. They need
to put a drinking fountain out here.
Yeah, like a 7-11 or something.
- Something wrong?
- We're looking for these two.
That's them two kids
that have been whacking in my camper.
- You saw these two?
- I never seen two kids whack so much.
- Blue Den, I have positive ID.
- They're like two spider monkeys.
- Please step out of the vehicle.
- But we're on our way to Washington...
Now!
Wait right there. You're dealing with
a veteran of two foreign wars.
If I find anything broken in there,
you and I are gonna tangle.
Masturbating in a man's camper.
We're dealing with two sick individuals.
I want that camper torn apart.
Full cavity searches all around.
Something tells me
he could be involved.
Chief, an airline had a problem with
someone calling himself Cornholio.
- Guess who matches the description?
- Finally, a real break!
Get that flight's point of origin.
We're gonna kick some ass.
One of you bastards got a match?
Yeah, my butt and your... butt.
Here's a song that might help you
cope with some of those feelings.
It's called "Lesbian Seagull".
She flies so gracefully
overrocks, trees and sand
soaring over cliffs and gently
floating down to land
she proudly lifts her voice
to sound the mating call
and soon hermate responds
bysinging "caw, caw, caw"
come wlth me
lesbian seagull
settle down and rest wlth me
flyhigh
lesbian seagull...
That's him! He's their teacher!
- What's going on here?
- I'll ask the questions.
- Are these your students?
- I assume you're a government agent.
You must know there's something in
this country called "due process".
That's what I'd expect from the guy
who taught these two. Take him away.
I believe I'm supposed to be read
my Miranda rights.
- I always knew they were no good.
- Shut up.
You've been harbouring
two criminal masterminds.
You know that guy whose camper
they whacked off in?
You represent the US Government.
Never end a sentence
with a preposition.
You know that guy,
in whose camper they...
That guy off in whose camper
they were whacking?
We ran a sample through the sperm
bank. There's two possible fathers.
Former Motley Crue roadies
turned drifters.
- You were a roadie for Motley Crue?
- Yep.
Fire.
Here's another true story: 15 years ago,
we stopped in a toilet called Highland.
Really?. That's where we're from.
Then you know what I'm talking about.
- I scored with these two chicks.
- Yeah, me too.
- You scored with two chicks?
- Yeah, they were sluts.
Shut up, dumb ass. You didn't score.
I scored with both of them.
Do you think these two sluts
still live in Highland?
That would be cool.
You wanna see something really cool?
Fire! Cool...
Where'd those guys go?
- Are we almost there yet?
- Probably another five minutes or so.
The sun sucks.
Cut it out, butthole!
Hey Butt-head, isn't there
supposed to be water in cactuses?
Hey Beavis, check it out.
No, I can't say that I've seen them.
I hope it's safe to drive around here.
Just stick to the main roads.
They're probably hiding in the desert.
That's good to know.
- Hey Butt-head, are we gonna die?
- Probably.
I think my life is, like,
flashing in front of my eyes.
My life was cool.
Wait a minute,
I think I'm seeing something, too.
It's a really long time ago.
This is gonna be cool.
How's it going?
Yeah, I scored.
Butt-head, I'm starting to feel weird.
- I think I'm freaking out.
- Okay.
This is cool.
Everything looks all weird.
There's all these weird shapes.
It's like a music video.
What's going on?
Fire! Fire!
I'm all wet.
Cool... water.
I'm gonna enjoy this.
Any last words before I kill you?
I have a couple.
"Butt-cheeks".
And "boobs". I just want
to say that again. Boobs.
- I'm gonna blow you both to hell!
- Cool.
Beavis, that's that dude that's paying us
to do his wife.
Can you take us to Washington?
We're gonna meet her there and...
That's where
she's meeting up with you?
I just might need you boys after all.
Get in the trunk. Both of you. Now!
- Boy, it sure is hard to score.
- Yeah, really.
Hey Butt-head, check it out.
Ajack.
"Jack".
Hey Beavis, check it out.
I'm jacking off.
Let's get out of here.
You go first.
I don't know,
that road's moving pretty fast.
Just run really fast
as soon as you hit the ground. It'll work.
- No way. You go.
- Don't be a wuss.
That was cool.
What I wouldn't give for five minutes
alone with them two bastards.
Bob, the news out here is not good.
Authorities are calling this -
- the worsthighway disaster
in the nation's history.
Over 400 vehicles lay wrecked orstuck.
- Chief, look!
- Well I'll be a blue-nosed gopher.
- Where did they come from?
- The question's, where are they going?
Representatives from G-PAC willmeet
in Washington tomorrow...
What the hell..? Bork,
where was that bus heading?
- D.C.
- Jesus jumped up...
What would happen
if they set that thing off in Washington?
Or if they sold it to some foreigner
at that conference? It won't happen.
This kicks ass.
- Travis and Bob-head. Hello!
- Butt-head, it's that chick.
Oh, yeah. Cool.
Maybe they can take us to Washington
and we can finally score.
- Isn't Seattle in Washington?
- Yep, it sure is.
Cool. I'm thinking we can go see Hole
after we score.
"Hole"...
Expecting somebody?.
Well, well...
Look at this. The love of my life.
Where have you been?
Honey, I was gonna split it with you
after I sold it. I swear.
But now you don't have to bother.
Why don't we just forget about it
and go get a room, like old times?
I don't think so. Where is it?
Allsenators are requested for a vote.
- Can I help you?
- We're looking for Washington.
We're meeting a chick with big hooters.
- You are in Washington.
- Really?. Where is she?
Could you announce
that we're ready to score?
No. Just a moment.
Attention... We're looking
for the chick wlth big boobs.
Yeah, we are ready to do you now.
In case you forget who you're dealing
with. I got your mules in my trunk.
Damn! Damn!
I am gonna kill 'em!
No, honey, we're gonna kill 'em.
Next stop, White House.
- Why are we getting back on the bus?
- It's time to go, son.
We can't leave. What about that chick?.
We were supposed to get some.
- Settle down, Beavis.
- No, I won't.
Dammit, this always happens. I think
I'm gonna score, and then I never score.
It's not fair. We travelled... 100 miles
because we thought we'd score.
- Sit down.
- Shut up, ass-wipe.
We'll never score. We'll just get old like
these people, but they probably scored.
Sit down!
This chick's a slut. And this guy's old
but he probably scored a million times.
- Oh, yeah.
- But not us. We're never gonna score!
All right, that's it, numb-nuts.
Well, look what we have here.
You two make me sick. Book 'em, Bork.
- You don't have anything on us.
- How about lewd conduct?
Maybe indecent exposure.
One of you will get me the unit.
The other can spend 60 years in jail.
We're back together,
and you'll never...
He stole the unit. He said
he put it in some kid's pants.
You damn little four-legged...
Travis, it doesn't do a body good
to get all worked up.
Here, this should help you relax.
Does that say "Xanax'?
Yeah, probably. I don't know.
What else you got?
Our suspects are on a tour bus
we believe is heading for...
...the White House. Jumpin' Jesus!
I want everyone there. Our people,
locals. Orders are: Shoot to kill.
- You know what's really cool?
- Shut up.
In case you don't know,
you've come on a very special day.
Gathered today for a global conference
called Give Peace a Chance, G-PAC, -
- are representatives
from around the world.
Many of the portraits were saved from
the fire set by the British.
- Fire...
- What's your problem, Beavis?
The site for the White House was
chosen by Washington and L'Enfant.
L'Enfentatta tititatta for my bunghole.
Are you okay?.
Are you threatening me?
I am Cornholio.
Maybe you should wait out in the lobby.
In this lobby, will there be TP,
for my bunghole?
Where are you when we need you, Ike?
Even with all we've been through,
it don't change a thing.
I said it before and I'll say it again.
This is the greatest country on earth.
Say, that looks kind of like...
No, it couldn't be.
Are you threatening me?
I am Cornholio.
The President does plan to speak
at the conference.
It's rumoured that a biological weapon
has been stolen during the conference.
Those rumours are entirely unfounded.
I am the great Cornholio.
I am a gringo.
I have no bunghole.
Bungholio...
This is the state dining-room,
where world leaders are entertained.
Where's the TV?
- There are no TV's in the dining-room.
- This house sucks.
Evacuation? It's probably
just another bomb threat or something.
Is this the lobby?.
I am Cornholio!
I need TP for my bunghole!
- Yes, Mr President?
- I am Cornholio. Mybunghole goes...
Mr President, I can't make out
what you're saying.
Sir, the President sounds strange.
Washington may be under attack.
Go to defcon 4.
Move it along, folks.
Hey, baby.
I noticed you have braces.
I have braces, too.
That was cool.
This is the coolest thing
I have ever seen.
- All right, where's the unit?
- My unit?
In my pants.
- Not on him, Chief.
- Agent Hurly, give him a cavity search.
Don't stop till you reach
the back of his teeth.
- We're awaltingyour final order.
- Surrender your TP.
Mr President, in the name of all that's
holy, I must have those launch codes.
I am Cornholio!
You will cooperate with my bunghole.
For there is but one bunghole.
The almighty Bunghole.
He's clean, Chief.
Did I just score?
The other guy must have it.
He's here somewhere.
...bunghole...
I'm sorry for the inconvenience, but
we'll have to wait outside. Follow me.
- TP for my bunghole.
- Yes. TP for my bunghole. Pretty good.
Let them through. They're with the
conference. It's okay, he's with them.
You cannot run
from your own bunghole.
Bunghole, bunghole, bunghole...
Boy, it really makes you proud.
I could stay in here all day.
- Sir, you'll have to leave. Now.
- Wait a minute. That's enough.
I planned this trip my whole life...
- Something about a "Cornholio".
- We haven't seen the Lincoln Room!
Chief, isn't that the guy
whose camper they were whacking...
- Off in whose whacking camper...
- Not now, Bork.
This country's
going to hell in a hand basket.
I'm gonna go right now
and talk to my congressman about this.
What the hell..?
Wait here a minute.
What in the hell is that damn noise?
- How's it going?
- Pull your damn pants up, boy!
Get out! If I ever catch you whacking
in here again, I'm gonna hog-tie you.
Dammit,
now I got to straighten up in here!
- We cleared all floors. No sign of him.
- Where the hell is he?
- Chief, isn't that the camper..?
- Bork, not now.
- Chief, look.
- I'll be a monkey's bare-assed uncle.
All units, we got him. He's in front of a
white camper on Pennsylvania Ave.
I am Cornholio!
I will lay waste to your bunghole.
Nobody shoot.
He could have the unit on him.
Keep your distance.
We don't want to risk hitting it.
- Where are his pants?
- Who knows?
This is Agent Flemming. We won't
hurt you. We just want the unit.
- Tell us where the unit is.
- Do you have TP for my bunghole?
We'll get you whatever you want.
Get the other kid.
- Do you have any holio?
- This is Bork. We need some TP.
And some... What did he say?.
Whoa, this rules.
Can I have a gun, too?
You must bow down
to the almighty Bunghole.
This is your last chance.
Give us the unit.
Why does everybody
want to see my schlong?
He's jerking us off. We have to
take him out. Fire on my orders.
I am the one and only Bunghole!
This is your last chance.
I'm gonna give you three seconds.
Get ready to fire on the count of three.
One...
Would you like to see my bunghole?
- I will show you my bunghole.
- Two!
I have no bunghole.
- What's going on?
- Three!
- Take your damn pants with you!
- Hold your fire.
- The pants! He's got the unit!
- Drop the pants, now!
Wait a minute. I ain't the one...
Here you go.
- Wait just a minute, mister!
- Take a look at this.
- How do you explain this?
- What the hell are you talking about?
Using two innocent teenagers
as pawns in your sick game, huh?
- I don't know what this is about.
- Take him away.
Get your damn hands off me!
You don't know who you're dealing
with. I'm a veteran of two foreign wars.
I ain't the one.
I always thought
there was something wrong with him.
- He had a lot of problems.
- He used to hit me, too.
Hey, does anyone want to see my unit?
I got to admit it, I had you boys wrong.
I thought you were scum.
But you saved more lives today
than you'll ever know.
- This country owes you a debt.
- You mean, we get money and stuff?
And chicks.
We were supposed to score.
For security reasons, your actions
have to remain top secret, -
- but someone very special
wants to give you his thanks.
Beavis and Butt-head,
on behalf of your fellow Americans -
- I extend my thanks. You exemplify
a fine new crop of young Americans -
- who will grow into the leaders
of this great country.
He said "extend".
In recognition of your great service,
I'm appointing you honorary agents -
- in the Bureau of Alcohol,
Tobacco and Firearms.
- Alcohol and tobacco?
- Yeah, and firearms.
- Cool, huh?
- Cigarettes and beer kick ass.
We're in the Bureau of Beer
and Fire and Cigarettes.
- And maybe some chicks, too.
- This is gonna be cool.
You know what sucks? We never
scored and we never got any money.
- And my butt's still sore...
- Butt-head, look!
Yes! Yes!
You think we're ever gonna score?
I probably will. But not you.
You're too much of a butt-monkey.
- Shut up, dill-hole.
- Butt-dumpling.
- Turd-burglar.
- Ass-goblin.
Shut up. Hey, doesn't Tom Anderson
live on this street?
I need to stop by his tool shed
for a couple of minutes.
"Tool"...