Booty Call (1997) Movie Script
How you do it?
You just throw it like that?
Looks like I won. Man, if you don"t get
your hands off my money... Please.
- I ain"t never gonna go broke.
- Roll that shit again.
Brother, put your money in.
Can"t win unless you play.
You gotta throw it in there.
There we go.
Am I right? Slipped right out
of my hands. Look at that.
Yo, Bunz, we gotta go.
Seriously, his sister"s
got some ill will.
This is going to a good cause.
Sorry I gotta go like this.
Next time, to keep your shit,
you gotta know when to quit.
Let"s leave. Quickly.
Hey, brothers, y"all stay broke.
I mean, stay black.
Lucky you stopped me. I was about to
buy a condo in midtown.
- Lucky I stopped you?
- Hell, yeah.
I can tell Nikki, "We was late because
Bunz was on his knees playing dice."
Playing? I was the MVP.
You didn"t hear the roar of the crowd?
- Don"t want your cut?
- I ain"t saying that.
Fuck you, motherfucker. Get out
of my shit, know what l"m saying?
I don"t need your tired ass!
Go back to your skank ho!
She called and left her fucking number
and I caught your ass in the act!
Big nose, pop eyes, receding hairline.
Truth is, you can"t win, motherfucker!
Let me see you rise now, motherfucker!
No, I don"t think so!
Man, you ain"t got to take that.
Jab back, baby. Jab back.
Hold up one motherfucking minute!
When I need Howard Cosell,
I will call Howard Cosell!
Take your fake-dreaded ass,
pick up Mighty Mouse...
...and skippity-doo
your rank ass home, motherfucker!
Better run, man!
Got a greyhound on your back!
See? That"s why I don"t
like relationships, man.
That why I strictly deal
with booty calls.
Three a.m., no questions asked.
Speaking of that,
I don"t wanna do this blind date.
You go do your thing. L"m gonna
go back and try to win me some money.
Hey, you can do what you want, Bunz,
okay? But this girl is fine.
Miss Butterworth fine.
- It"s up to you.
- Miss Butterworth gives me gas.
Rushon, define "fine."
What does the girl look like?
I ain"t sitting at the table
with no wildebeest.
I got a reputation.
You know what l"m saying?
What about that fruit bat
you left the party with?
I was gonna tell you about that.
That girl put something
in my drink, man. L"m serious.
Because I wouldn"t go out like that.
- The girl had a beard.
- She did not have a beard.
- She had a beard. She had hair...
- She did not have a beard.
She had a goatee.
Real nice and thin...
If your girl ain"t Chinese, then why the
hell she live way down in Chinatown?
Good neighbourhood, nice apartment.
Her girlfriend lives across the hall.
The girlfriend is Chinese.
You thought l"d be upset.
I don"t mind having a little
Rice Krispies on my plate.
That means she know how
to pan-fry this noodle.
- She"s not Chinese.
- Then what"s going on? Watch yourself.
Chinese or not, she could still
snuggle up on these egg rolls.
You know what l"m saying?
They lower in fat.
See, that"s the reason why
l"II never take your ass nowhere.
You take me everywhere.
If I was a girl, we"d be dating.
Rushon"s friend is cute, right?
Oh, he"s cute enough.
No, no, no. You said he was cute.
L"m not asking you to have
the man"s baby.
Just run a little interference for me.
Know what l"m saying?
Okay.
But he does have class, though, right?
You know I do not mess with anyone
that does not have class.
Trust me. He is in a class
all by hisself.
Yo, man, what kind of name
is Lystie anyway?
It"s short for Lysterine.
That"s motherfucking mouthwash.
What"s up with these wack-ass names?
I went out with this girl named Genoria,
but she spelled it like "gonorrhoea."
I can"t put that on a postcard.
It"s Lysterine with a Y, not an I.
Oh, that makes all the difference
in the world, Rushon.
The point is
you"re doing this for me.
L"ve been going out with Nikki
for seven weeks...
Seven weeks?
And you ain"t hit that ass yet?
Hey, man, I like her, okay?
"Hey, man, I like her, okay?"
Nikki, why are you taking so long?
- I can"t go out like this.
- Here we go. Like what?
My cleavage is hanging out.
Cleavage?
I just don"t wanna send out
the wrong signal.
I think anyone that"s put up with you for
seven weeks deserves some nay-nay.
- Oh, really?
- Nikki...
...why are you making Rushon
wait so long?
He seems like he"s a good man.
He"s got a career. He treats you nice.
I know.
I just wanna make sure
that he"s the right one.
Just don"t leave me alone with him.
Sounds like he"s not the only one
feeling the seven-week itch.
It is not even like that.
You better watch that smile, then.
- Can we please go?
- All right.
This is how I peep the situation,
like this.
I think that college got you
too sensitive.
- Sensitive?
- You ain"t got no player left in you.
If I was you, I wouldn"t let the sun rise
without tagging that ass.
If it was me, l"d have that ass bouncing
like a low rider in a Dr. Dre video.
I say, " Miss Nikki, tonight is the night.
It"s a one-time offer."
She wanna give it to you tomorrow,
you say, " No, tomorrow"s too late."
- It"s not that simple.
- Not for somebody who"s slipping.
- Put me in the players" section.
- L"m not slipping.
You slipping like a motherfucker.
Look, Nikki and I are gonna
do our thing tonight.
She knows it, and I know it.
I don"t know why I disrespected you.
But you"re a gambling man, right?
Why don"t you put your money
where your mack is.
I won"t bet money
on something like that.
We don"t have to bet money.
Let"s just make it a gentleman"s bet.
We"re gentlemen, right?
- Not gonna let this go?
- Come on, big daddy...
...big player, big pimp, big baller.
There you go, that"s my boy.
You go the fuck on.
He"s celebrating his bar mitzvah.
He just got circumcised.
Go on with your food.
Oh, Rushon. It"s so good
to see you this evening.
And who is your friend?
Hello. My name is Chan,
and l"m here to serve you tonight.
Hey, brother. Rushon?
Chan, we"re waiting on
our dinner guests.
I think your hair is three things:
Fa-bu-Ious.
Well, I got three things for you:
Back up, Yoko Ono.
Oh, nigga, please.
They"re here.
Look, these girls got a lot of class.
So act like you got a little bit of sense.
Like you got a mama. Like you
wasn"t mixed up in some test tube.
We should move to a table
with better light.
- What"s wrong with the light here?
- I can"t get with ladies in muted light.
I need a good look.
Anybody can look good in dim light.
How many times you go to a club,
and under the disco lights...
...the girl look good?
You having a good time.
But the next day you go to pick her up.
You"re all happy and shit.
But it"s high noon.
She comes out the house...
...and a fucking sea donkey
climbs into your car.
I believe in a brother"s right to know
what the hell he"s feeding...
Man, just get up.
Lysterine, this is
Rushon"s friend, Bunz.
Hey, now, I was...
Excuse me.
What do you think you are doing?
Did you see that tarantula-hair fool?
Motherfucker look like Predator.
It"s just dinner. Some egg rolls, mu shu,
and we out. Girl, why are you tripping?
She don"t look like
she want my shit, man.
No, she"s on you. She"s just nervous.
- It"s a blind date. All right?
- All right. Right.
Everybody"s got a weakness.
Who knows? You and Bunz
just might hit it off.
Bunz?
You blind-date me with
a little "hood-rat named Bunz?
Girl, have you lost your mind?
No. I can"t get
with a brother named Bunz.
No, but it"s Bunz with a Z, not an S.
You never can be too ready.
Just do this for me, please.
- You owe me.
- Big-time. Now, let"s roll.
Ladies, you look good.
So, what"s up?
- Nothing.
- Are we ready to order?
- I am. I want the shrimp fried rice.
- Make that two, please.
Perfect, and I will have the prawns
in garlic sauce.
And you, Miss Thang?
- Excuse me?
- You got her with the "Miss Thang."
You eating or just looking?
Okay, boyfriend. I want a lobster tail
in butter-wine sauce.
And we girls want a bottle of Mot.
Damn, girl, why you gotta order
the most expensive shit on the menu?
- Rushon, you need to check your boy.
- Check my ass.
That"s what l"m talking about,
is the check.
Now, the lobster don"t even have
a price. It just says "seasonal."
So you know what that means,
a brother gotta pay $28.
And if I get you lobster and some Mot,
you know what"s happening after that.
No, what does happen?
L"m going deep-sea diving.
Bunz, this is a platinum card.
I could buy and sell
your ashy black, blue-collared ass.
- Is that right?
- Yes, it is.
Well, lookie here.
- What is that?
- It"s a gold gas card.
That means I can buy
all the gas I want...
...in all 50 states
and 11 foreign countries.
And I got platinum privileges too.
Because, you know, if you buy enough
gas, they give you coffee mugs.
A gas card?
You don"t even got a car.
Why you putting me on front street?
L"II have you to know that I laid away
a "68 Chevy Super Sport...
...with a 427-cubic inch twin cam
with a Hurst gearshift.
Sounds like a man who has some
serious doubts about his manhood.
Those cars are nothing but extensions
of your penis or lack thereof.
Yeah. You"re right,
because my dick is only two inches...
...from the ground.
Isn"t he grand?
Can"t get a brother"s order straight.
Look, I ordered shrimp fried rice.
Can I get some shrimp?
Oh, there is one shrimp there
and another shrimp here.
What"s with the green leafy stuff? You
trying to fool a brother with shrubbery.
Child, that"s garnishment.
Make your food look good.
What will make my food look good
is five extra shrimp.
I thought there was no smoking
in this restaurant.
- L"II take care of this.
- Bunz, sit down.
That"s the notorious Ug Lee,
the godfather of the Leuang Triad.
He runs Chinatown.
Yeah, I know, I got all his albums.
L"II tell him you said what"s up.
I know you impressed.
You probably thought
I was just a common "hood-rat, huh?
I didn"t know you spoke Chinese.
Wasn"t like I could speak it
to your ass.
- Where"d you learn?
- Watching kung fu movies.
Me and my father, we always watched
kung fu movies.
- Our TV didn"t have a vertical hold.
What l"d do is, l"d get the kung fu
videos and listen to them.
Bit by bit, I started understanding
them motherfuckers.
One time I went to
the Chinese laundry...
...and all the shit that sounded like,
"Ping, ting, pang"...
...started making sense.
So why didn"t y"all just buy a new TV?
Everybody ain"t got
no platinum card.
You know, there is some poor folk
out in the world.
How"s your shrimp, baby?
He ain"t got no shrimp over there.
Oh, here"s one.
You can have it, baby.
Oh, my goodness, you whipped.
That boy is whipped.
You know what?
You need to pay attention and learn.
All he did was gave you
a old crusty-ass shrimp.
There"s that"hood-rat
emerging again.
No fighting in restaurant.
Cost you extra to fight in restaurant.
Fuck me?
- My mother?
- My mother?
Suck these fortune-cookie nuts
and read your future...
You are a horse-mouth bitch
motherfucker.
I will stick my elbow
sideways up your ass.
Hold this for me, baby. Thank you.
Bring it. Send it.
All that, now. That ain"t nothing
but some old beginner"s luck.
- Here"s a little cleavage for mommy.
- Thank you.
Cleavage? She needs a whole...
- Well, anyway...
- See, that"s why you"re losing.
Yeah, l"m losing, but I ain"t lost.
So nice. So sweet. Give it up, nigga.
L"m in the money. What? We in
the money. Got a little cleavage here.
Beginner"s luck, huh?
Shit happens.
You tripping.
L"m tripping?
- It"s a little messy in here.
- Girl, don"t even worry about it.
- It"s a little messy in here.
- Girl, don"t even worry about it.
- It"s about to get real messy. Ready?
- L"m gonna do my thing. Here we go.
Excuse me, but where do you two
think you"re going?
Thought l"d put on some mood music
so we could dance a little bit.
I think you have done enough
dancing for tonight.
Come on, you got the ambience here.
You know how we do it, girl.
Look, the only reason why we
came up here is to play some cards.
After that, you two are going home.
Dog, if you don"t... What is it?
L"m going to kick your ass.
Leave Killa alone. He does live here,
and you are just visiting, Bunz.
Well, if we was really in China,
l"d have his ass honey-roasted.
Play, Nikki.
- Somebody"s cheating.
- Something"s going on.
- I wish something was going on.
- Y"all are just mad...
...because you losing.
I heard that, Rushon.
- Caught you slipping again.
- Oh, that"s funny to y"all?
A guy with a girl for seven weeks,
don"t get no intimacy, and that"s funny?
Maybe the girl wants a relationship
and isn"t interested in casual sex.
Maybe the girl wants
a deeper commitment.
Maybe the girl wants a soul mate.
Maybe the girl got
some soul-searching to do.
Maybe got a brother uptown
with a 9-inch ding-dong...
...knocking the bottom out your ass.
- Shut up!
- I think it"s a legitimate question.
If I was going out with a girl for seven
weeks, know what she"d be doing?
She"d be playing the meat flute.
Riding the bologna pony.
Eating tube steak, but you gotta work
a little for the gravy.
Can I get some?
Excuse me.
Thanks so much
for sharing that with us.
L"ve been trying to share this big
paloosa with you all night, but you...
Oh, boy, am I getting tired.
Ain"t you tired, Bunz?
You know what,
l"m getting tired myself.
- It is getting a little late, though.
- Lystie.
Nikki. It is getting late.
Look, since y"all tired,
and we definitely tired...
...y"all go ahead.
We can kick it here.
No, let"s still play cards.
Ain"t nobody going nowhere.
- So, Lystie.
- What?
Can I ask you a hypothetical question?
Have you ever made a brother wait
seven weeks to get up on that thing?
Why are you asking her? She ain"t
never made a man wait 30 minutes.
Do I smell a whore?
No, see, I have full confidence
in my sexuality.
And I don"t toil over it,
unlike some prudes that I know.
- Prude?
- Prude.
Oh, see, I am nobody"s prude.
I just don"t wanna rush into having sex.
And, see, that may be hard
for you to understand.
Oh, really? Well, you might
be able to understand that...
...if you cleared away those cobwebs
from your coochie.
Coochie cobwebs?
- Why don"t we just deal.
- Don"t stop now. I wanna see them box.
Let"s get ready to rumble!
What"s up?
Y"all ready for another one?
L"d rather be shopping.
Well, where is the love in this room?
I got plenty of love,
I just can"t seem to get to it.
Do you ever stop?
No. I don"t ever stop.
- Oh, really?
- Really.
So are we gonna play cards or what?
Oh, girl...
...your feet are kind of strong,
but the softest feet in the world.
Damn, man!
Get those big, jungle-rot,
alligator feet off mine!
You could snatch a salmon
with them eagles" claws!
Big old cheese knots...
Damn, something winked at me.
Feet look like they played
soccer with wolves.
Get your feet off me, man.
Look like monkey hands.
Well...
Suck it. Oh, yes...
Oh, you gonna play
with a brother"s ass.
You the MVP. A little lower.
Hit me on the taint.
It "t"ain"t" the ass
and it "t"ain"t" the lip.
Man, you talk about toe jam.
Let me get my head together.
L"m about to cramp up.
I got a little cramp in my leg.
You got any napkins?
You know, I think I left
my gas on in my stove.
- Bunz, you know how to work a pilot?
- Yeah.
Lystie, your stove"s
not even hooked up yet.
You know what,
and speaking of remodelling...
...l"ve got some paint samples
that I need to mix.
Do you think you can assist me?
I sure the fuck could, girl.
That"s my shit. Let"s go.
Hold up. Excuse me.
Where do you guys think you"re going?
- Nikki, we are gonna head on out.
- You ain"t even played the hand yet.
- We just did.
- We just did.
- Ciao.
- Lystie, wait a minute...
- Woman, mind your business.
- No, wait...
Give me that.
Oh, yes.
Oh, baby. All you got to do
is tell me how you like it.
Oh, no, baby, you might think
l"m freaky.
I don"t think you"re freaky.
It really turns me on
when a man can do impressions.
- Imitations.
- Imitations?
Imitations, yeah.
Like, powerful men.
Men of authority.
Men like Jesse Jackson.
- Jesse Jackson?
- Yes.
- Do Jesse.
- Hands that used to pick cotton...
...can now pick the president?
- Oh, yeah.
- Oh, shit.
The rhinoceros, though not as prolific
as others in the animal kingdom...
...is nonetheless as enthusiastic.
Watch as the 4000-pound beast
rises to the occasion.
Wax that 4000-pound ass.
Killa, stop that. No!
Oh, it"s all right.
He"s only human, right?
How come you didn"t pet Killa
when Bunz was here?
I think he"s a bad influence on you.
I do.
Just let me say that
the ass is round.
And you know that l"m down,
bipartisan.
And we can work it to the ground.
When I hit the skins, we can both join
together and say, "I am somebody."
- I am. Somebody.
- I am. Somebody.
- Say it loud. I am...
- I am...
...somebody. Hallelujah.
...somebody. Somebody!
- Smack my ass!
- Hallelujah!
Do you know how sweet you are?
How nice you are?
Then your boys come around,
it"s like,"What"s up, nigga?"
Now, who you checking for? Me...
...or Bunz?
- You.
- L"m the heavyweight boxing champ.
- Yes, Michael.
- I don"t care what people think.
- Yes, Michael.
- It"s ludicrous how soft your skin is.
- It"s soft for you, baby.
Reminds me of the leather
on my first gloves.
Work it.
- It makes me wanna work out.
- Work it, Mike.
Just work it, Mike!
- Yes, work it!
- Oh, you"re so vicious!
Work it! Work it! Work it!
- Wait.
- What? What? What?
Rushon, do you have a condom?
I want this, I just don"t wanna die for it.
- Condom?
- Yes.
Yeah, I got a condom right in the coat.
You want a condom?
I got a condom right here.
Right here, just like I said.
Here you go. Safe sex.
Here we go, girl. L"II do my thing.
Wait. Stop. Stay.
Come here, baby.
I would like to take my time
while l"m knocking the boots.
Go, Bill.
First, I start with the breasts because
nipples are so chocolatey and smooth.
And then I work my way on down
to the love triangle.
You like it. L"m kissing it
and licking it...
...and thinking about sticking it.
When I get there,
it"II be smooth and creamy...
...just like the Jell-O pudding.
Give me this goddamn condom,
you little...
Rushon!
There you go.
A dog"s mouth is cleaner
than a human"s.
- Rushon.
- You thought l"d use this on you...
...after it"d been in the dog"s mouth?
L"II go ahead and get me another one.
Don"t be kicking my dog.
Oh, you go, Bill.
Have your little somethin"-somethin"
and a smile.
Feel it, yes. Feel it. Feel it. Oh, yes.
Hey, Bunz, you got any condoms?
Stardate 2102:
L"m without contraceptives,
so please leave me the fuck alone.
Damn.
So she was really doing it with Bunz?
Sounded more like Bill Cosby
up in there.
Lysterine always has been
a little kinky.
- L"II call her.
- No.
Come on, let the boy do what he do.
And l"m gonna do what I do.
Shit, it"s throwing me off. Hold on.
- Let me listen.
- Longevity has its place.
I may not get to the mountaintop
with you, but I have a dream.
I have a dream too.
I have a dream that one day,
every valley shall be explored.
Explored.
Every hill and every mountain
shall be fondled.
I have a dream
that all the rough places...
...will be laid smooth and all
the crooked places laid straight.
Lay it straight!
And I can look down upon
the voluptuous woman and say:
- What you gonna say?
- " L"II wax that ass! L"II wax that ass.
- Lord have mercy, l"II wax that ass!"
- Say it, brother!
L"II go bananas
up in that rump shaker.
Lystie, what are you
over there doing?
- Nikki. Nothing.
- Nothing, my ass...
I know you are not having unprotected
sex with Martin Luther King.
Unsafe sex can be deadly.
You know that.
Nik, Dr. King"s
about to rock my world.
Girl, have you lost your mind?
You don"t know Bunz.
You don"t know where he came from.
- You better go get you a condom.
- Nikki.
You take a hard look at Bunz
and tell me you don"t need a condom.
I ain"t got nothing to do with this.
What"s the problem?
We going to do this, or what?
Bunz, l"m sorry.
Don"t even worry about it.
Let"s just go get the condoms.
- No, it is not what you think.
- Yes, it is.
Nikki"s about to get her groove on.
No, no, no. See, I told him
he can go to the store...
...pick up some condoms,
and that"s it.
Let"s just do what we gotta do.
I was doing what I had to do.
I don"t know about you, but I was
doing everything I had to do...
...to get what I needed to do done.
You"re gonna give the brother the keys
to the car and not let him drive it?
Why are you asking all these questions,
Miss All-Up-in-My-Business?
What are you gonna be doing?
Would you really like to know?
- Oh, God. I don"t even wanna know.
- No.
Since you asked, I feel I should be
at liberty to share it with you.
First, l"ve got some toys,
and then l"ve got some ice.
- Some ice?
- Oh, yeah. Girl, I love ice.
L"m gonna start at his toes
and just get him to...
- No, no, we closed.
- Yo, yo, we just want some condoms.
No condoms for Yoyo.
Yoyo, come here!
He"s saying "yo" like "yo, man."
He"s not calling my name.
No "Yoyo." "Yo, yo." I understand.
Yo, later on, I get to dip
that soy sauce, is that cool?
Come on, man. We got the girls
waiting for us back at the crib, man.
Girl, girl. I have just what you need.
Very special. Very rare.
Tiger penis.
Make you strong
in all the right places.
Look, l"m already the king
of the jungle, know what l"m saying?
Man, just give us
the best condoms you got.
Fine, fine.
Lambskin.
Very sensitive. Twelve-pack.
Leaves some feeling
for your jimmy. Only $38.
- Thirty-eight dollars?
- Look, man.
I ain"t got 12 dicks to put that on.
I just need one or two.
No can break box.
Only have 12-pack.
Twelve condom not much
for king of the jungle.
You trying to break my pockets, G.
Gi, my cousin. I am Chiu.
Now, you want skins or what?
Yo, man, if you get those,
you better hit some Nikki skins.
- What other choice have we got?
- You know, me, I just put the tip in.
You might not be putting nothing in.
Hey, tonight, before the sun rises.
Hey, look, all I need is one.
L"II just wash it out and use it again.
Recycle, baby.
L"m back.
Nikki.
Champagne.
"Open me." I can do that.
Or at least I think I can. Get your...
Hi.
Just got a little excited.
- Maybe I should put this thing on ice.
- Put it on ice.
I could do that too.
What"s wrong?
Damn cardboard is sticking me.
- Condoms.
- Condoms.
Safe way to go.
- What kind of condoms are these?
- "Condom" condoms, babe.
These are lambskin. Don"t you listen
to the surgeon general?
Lambskin condoms don"t
protect you against the HIV virus.
Baby, l"m government-tested,
grade A, clear as a bell.
- Don"t even go there.
- Yeah, but...
Rushon, just go to the store
and get some latex.
Okay? Please.
Latex.
Latex.
Goddamn sheep.
Wimpy little woolly lamb-chop ass.
Where you going?
I was gonna put some clothes on
and take Killa for a walk.
- L"II take Killa for a walk. Okay?
- Okay.
We supposed to be
bonding anyway, right?
Man"s best friend, right?
You just stay put with your fine self.
You got that?
- L"II be back.
- Okay.
Bunz...
...the condoms we got
are no good, man.
L"m going back to Mr. Chiu"s.
They"re lambskin.
What am I doing?
Hey, have a good time, man.
- We will!
- We will!
Bye, Rushon.
Let me see who that is.
It might be important.
Hold on, now. Hello?
Hey, Nik.
Yeah?
All right. He"II be right out.
L"m not going anywhere, you hear me?
We spent $38 on those condoms.
I don"t want to go out again.
L"m hot, l"m bothered.
I might hurt somebody.
- Not you. Because I don"t hit women.
- Relax. Look.
I am gonna turn you
every which way but loose.
- That"s what l"m talking about.
- After you buy...
...a latex condom, okay?
- Okay.
- Good.
- When I come back, we doing this.
- Oh, yeah.
We doing this. Do you understand?
No phone ringing.
If the Avon lady"s at the door,
l"II bust her ass...
...unless she got some condoms.
All right?
Why don"t we just wait on
the Avon lady.
Go.
It"s so dark outside.
Can you believe this?
Bet he"s with Yoyo painting
stripes on that tiger penis.
She need to be hanging
with this jungle snake.
- What are we gonna do now?
- What we gonna do? No, no.
What you gonna do?
Because I have mine going on.
And if this dog don"t quit
sniffing on my boots...
...l"m gonna show you
the true meaning of doggystyle.
- Rushon. Oh, my God, my man main.
- Singh, my nigga.
- Aren"t you on 125th Street?
- L"m a floater.
I work at Harlem, Chinatown, Hunt"s
Point, Coney Island, Hell"s Kitchen.
I don"t give a shit. L"m a floater.
No dogs allowed, my friend.
No, my brother,
that"s a Seeing Eye dog.
Well, see his nasty little rodent ass
out to the curb.
- He"s got a point, my friend.
- You"re looking at the dog"s ass?
He"s got a point too. One to one.
- What? L"m on your side.
- You started this shit.
- Y"all got some kerosene?
- Aisle two.
- Aisle three.
- You moved the kerosene.
- Tell me when you move things.
- Do I have to?
L"d like to fuck the dog.
Do I have to tell you that?
Singh, I need some latex condoms.
Okay? They gotta be latex.
Mr. Black Man, I can"t see you.
Come to the front.
You came to the right place.
We have Ginza, Sheik, Hot Tamale.
Booty Call, Backdoor Man,
Manhandlers.
Ramrod, Lube Job, In Deep.
Joy Trail, Buckwild
and Goodyear Eagles.
Goodyear got a condom too?
- Non-skid, maxi-tread.
- Give me the Sheik. No offence.
Let me get the same thing he"s got,
and also get some Backdoors.
- Oh, my God.
- I don"t think you want them.
- They"re for gay men.
- Don"t wanna go there.
I don"t know. You could be
a bit of a doo-doo chaser.
A sodomite, with hair like that.
Hell, no. Y"all got me fucked up.
I like the fuzzy stuff,
don"t get me wrong.
My hair is just a statement
of my individuality.
- Like I said, a sodomite.
- Or sodo-maybe.
- Very good. High-two.
- Oh, yeah. High-two.
- Where are your condoms, man?
- Over there.
And l"m watching you.
Mind your business.
- What"s a sodomite, anyway?
- You don"t wanna know.
I thought he was saying I was, like,
Dolemite"s cousin or something.
Damn. I forgot Killa.
Shit.
Hold.
Killa.
Come here. Killa.
No, you gotta be firm with them.
Heel!
- Damn!
- Oh, shit. Come here.
Girl, that"s right. He is out
right now taking care of Killa.
Looks like Rushon has worked
his way right on in, huh?
Honey, let me tell you, my man...
...has earned everything
l"m about to give him.
Come here, come here,
you little mutt!
I hate dogs.
Okay, Bunz, I got it. L"II tell Nikki
Killa"s with you and Lysterine.
- That way we can still get busy...
- Wait, wait.
I will not get caught up
in your web of deception.
There"s one thing I don"t do,
and that"s lie.
All right, when Nikki
is crying on Lysterine"s shoulder...
...then what you gonna do?
- Let"s get our story straight.
No story required. Come on, B.
What happened?
What took you guys so long?
Me and Killa started playing
and lost track of time.
This dog is so frisky. You hear me?
Is there something on his sweater?
No.
Nothing on this sweater.
It"s a little shadowy in here.
You know it"s getting late.
Look at this!
Is that a strong dog or what?
Your dog is a trip, girl.
L"m telling you.
Are you gonna play with him all night
or come play with me?
L"II be right in there with you.
Go ahead. Just go in there.
- L"II be in there.
- Okay.
Don"t take too long.
Make me get nothing.
Rushon, what"s taking so long?
What are you supposed to be?
Jurassic Park, baby.
Getting prehistoric in here on you.
Come here, girl.
What are you doing?
Going downtown, baby,
on the A train.
Yeah, that"s great. That"s wonderful.
Don"t you think we need
some protection?
I just went to the store.
I got that. Don"t worry.
You need a dental dam to protect
against the exchange of bodily fluid.
Where do I get some dental dam?
I been to the store.
Plastic wrap in the kitchen
next to the refrigerator.
- In the kitchen.
- All right.
Hurry up. Hurry.
- Okay.
- Clears another hurdle.
Didn"t know I was in the Olympics,
did you?
- Don"t tear up my kitchen, now.
- I got it. Dam. Here you go.
Well, don"t look like
we be going downtown.
- That"s okay, babe.
- It"s not. I want you to go downtown.
See, if you go to the store...
...then when you come back...
...you do me...
...and l"II do you.
Yeah, but the store"s a long way...
Okay.
To the store.
It"s one thing we"re leaving
to go get rubbers.
It"s another thing to get
plastic wrap for shit I don"t do.
Hey, I might hurt you.
You"re my friend, but I might hurt you.
Hey, man. You poked me in the eye.
Cut that shit down.
- Look. The butt-plugs are back.
- You got any plastic wrap?
Yeah, in the back,
next to the onions.
All right. What"s so funny?
You got to lick it
Before you kick it
You"ve got to mak e it soft and wet
Before you stick it
Hey, hey, camel cowboys.
We just want some wrap,
and then we out of here.
Oh, yeah. No. Most people come in
to buy GLAD Wrap at 2 in the morning.
You got to punch it
Before you munch it
You"ve got to work it
Before you jerk it
See? See? This is why
l"m in favour of immigration reform.
You"re fresh off the boat
and already fucking with people.
Oh, my God, take a breather.
- You feel better?
- I feel better.
I was just pulling your arm.
- Pulling your leg.
- Arm.
- You can"t say " pulling your arm."
- Why do you correct me?
- You are not in Bombay now.
- I wish I was in Bombay.
- Then go to Bombay.
- L"m not staying.
See who we get it from now?
The cold part is they got a point.
These women are running us.
We not running them.
Do you see how expensive
this shit is?
- Singh, you got anything cheaper?
- Rushon.
- Come up here, boy.
- Damn. Judge Peabody.
He go to my mother"s church.
He a Holy Roller too.
- Hey, judge.
- Rushon, what you doing out?
We just came to get a sandwich.
Ain"t nothing out this late
but the devil...
...and the devil"s helper.
- Hey, judge.
You want that GLAD Wrap?
GLAD Wrap at 2 in the morning?
Looks like you plan on eating
more than a sandwich.
Your mother know
what you"re doing?
- Well, she...
- Look here, son.
It"s bad enough you plan to fornicate.
Don"t compound the crime by lying.
Lies are the oil that grease the track.
One-way to "desolution."
Now, I know...
...what condoms and GLAD Wrap,
it has its place...
...in the pantheon of safe sex.
There"s only one way
to be totally safe...
...and that"s abstinence and purity.
- And sexual frustration.
- I know how you all feel.
When that furry temptress
seems like she"s calling your name.
She say, " Come on, Rushon!
Get some! Put your hand on it!
You want some more?
Rub it on in there.
You want me to rub it?
Bite me.
Suck it, you filthy..."
You know, and things like that.
You know?
Man, you got my nipples hard.
Watch how you talk to me.
- L"m sorry.
- L"m sorry for you.
L"m trying to help you.
That"s where you gotta be strong.
You have to take a pledge.
You say, " I swear on the seal
of this great state of New York...
...that I would never..."
- Say, judge, we gonna do this or what?
Yes. Yes, l"II be right out, miss.
L"II be right out.
That"s what l"m talking about.
So remember what I said...
...because I said it.
And tell your mother I say hello.
You-all have a great evening.
Judge, you forgot your Goodyears.
L"II come back and get it.
I have to take my clerk home.
I told you I was coming out.
Didn"t have to come in there.
Look, man, l"m a little low on cash.
Y"all got anything cheaper?
That"s the 300.
The 100 is back on the shelf.
Come on, man.
We running out of time.
I don"t trust those boys.
I think that that girl was
the judge"s fuzzy temptress.
- Furry temptress.
- What"s the difference?
What"s the difference?
You don"t know?
- Put the money in the bag.
- We are talking.
- Lf furry is here and fuzzy is here...
- Hey!
- I said, put the money in the bag.
- Your customer.
Listen, you Pakistani piece of shit,
do what I say.
Listen, you crack addict,
we"re not Pakistani. We are Punjabis.
I could pass for Pakistani.
Oh, shit, Bunz, these motherfuckers
are getting jacked.
As soon as he shoots them,
l"m gonna go get some groceries.
- Ever use the left side of your brain?
- All the time. Take these.
Hey, let"s clock this motherfucker.
Hurry up.
Give me the goddamn money.
Call me a Pakistani.
Oh, my, my, my, my, my.
Oh, my, my, my.
- And you wonder why you"re a floater.
- Are you out of your fucking minds?
Punk motherfucker.
Bunz, you all right?
I think I got a pickle
stuck in my ass.
There we go.
Tonight.
- I ain"t coming back out here.
- That"s the spirit. Bunz.
- What?
- Got a little something in here.
- Man, you wacked.
- Straighten you out.
Nikki, your man"s home.
I don"t wanna hear it.
L"m in the bathroom.
Why don"t you get ready.
I am ready, girl. I been ready.
Seven weeks ready. Shit.
Hey, Nikki.
This plastic ain"t easy to come by.
You don"t know what I been through.
But I think I finally got
this safe-sex thing down pat.
You sure you know what you"re doing?
Do I know what l"m doing?
I know what l"m doing.
Say you want some dental dam,
I got your dental dam.
Build your ass the Hoover Dam,
that"s what l"II do.
L"II whack that ass tonight.
My turn to do what I want.
You shut up before I wrap
your ass like a hot dog.
Oh, my God. Rushon, Rushon.
Sit up so you can get some air.
Sit up.
Okay, okay, okay.
You gotta breathe. Let me help you.
You are supposed to put this
around my pelvic area, not your head.
Sorry, babe. Let"s do this.
- " Let"s do this"?
- L"m fired up now.
Rushon, you almost died.
Oh, my God, you are the only man
in this world I know...
...dumb enough
to do something like this.
Help a brother out.
Get him up!
Sit him up.
- Rushon, help me.
- What?
Pop it!
Motherfucker, was you gonna wait
for me to turn into a butterfly?
- Dj vu.
- Would you lookie here.
Oh, I been looking.
You know, I told him
I was coming right back.
Bunz, did you think
you were gonna spoil or something?
L"ve got some aluminium foil
over in the cabinet too.
I don"t wanna hit no woman,
but I tell you right now...
When did this become Def Comedy
Jam? Nikki, what is so funny?
- L"m sorry, baby.
- "L"m sorry, baby."Ain"t this a bitch.
I ain"t never had to go through
this much shit to get a piece of ass.
They got you slipping,
you got me slipping. L"m out.
- You with me?
- L"m out. Come on.
- Rushon, where you going?
- L"m going home.
It"s about time you handled
your business like a man.
I still got time to make my booty call.
Didn"t I tell you about this
blind-date stuff? Look at this shit.
- Let"s get a cab and get out of here.
- Smartest thing you said all night.
- Don"t look back. Just keep walking.
- We almost got shot over this shit.
- Shot?
- You heard him. Shot. L"m out of here.
- Let"s go. Cabbie!
- Wait.
- Cabbie!
- Rushon, are you okay?
- L"m still breathing, ain"t I?
- Lf you stay away from GLAD Wrap.
- Lystie, come on.
- L"m gonna be right over here.
Baby, I am so sorry.
L"II make it up to you. L"II do anything.
We can go upstairs.
Damn.
If you"re thinking about trying
to get in good with me...
...and kissing me all on my fingers,
forget that.
- Forgotten.
- Cool.
Can I get a damn cab?
Damn!
What does a brother have to do
to get a cab? Rushon, help me out.
You say something, Bunz?
I see what"s going on.
Look like you gonna get yours before
sunrise. I guess you won the bet.
What bet?
Bunz?
Could you repeat the question?
I got a bum ear.
Baby, it"s just a figure of speech,
that"s all it is.
Like, "How much you wanna bet l"II
be tapping that ass before sunrise?"
That kind of figure of speech,
Rushon?
- Did you have a bet going on?
- No.
No. No. No, no. No, no. Hell, no.
That would be degrading.
- Completely degrading.
- This was just a harmless challenge.
- Exactly.
- Challenge.
Like between guys, we talking
about bitches and ho"s and...
- Bunz.
- Baby, that"s all right. I got it.
It"s like a guy thing. Right?
Kind of like high-fiving?
- Right.
- Like a high-five.
Lystie, did you hear that?
It"s a guy thing.
- I heard.
- Us girls have our thing too.
Except it"s not a high-five.
It"s a high-one.
- And to you too. Lystie, let"s go.
- Nikki, please...
Rushon, you bet on me.
Come on. You gonna listen to Bunz?
Nikki, Bunz is crazy.
I would never do something like...
Look...
- Would you listen to me, please?
- L"m listening.
I fucked up. I mean, a little bit.
Hey, look, hands. Hey, man,
l"m glad you stopped.
- Look...
- You no steal my car!
What"s up with the gun?
You done fucked up now.
I ought to bust your ass right here.
Sorry, I don"t wanna cork you.
Shit!
I gotta get the hell out, man.
Shit is too crazy.
L"m gonna go back to Africa,
to the roots.
Let"s take a bite of the Big Apple.
The night is young.
The only place we"re going
is the hospital...
...to get you stitched and cleaned up.
After that, we"re going home.
This is only a flesh wound.
Look. See?
Them old-school niggas could take,
like, four or five bullets to the ass...
...not even worried about
going to the hospital.
They don"t make niggas
like they used to. Rock-hard.
I hurt my finger. Kiss it.
Nikki, I made a mistake, okay?
L"m sorry.
Welcome to another episode
of Slipping-Ass Brother.
Caller, you"re on the line
from Alabama, what you think?
Does the young buck in the back
know how to fetch and roll over too?
Because he begs good as hell.
Oh, yeah, that"s right, Rushon.
Straighten up for your boy.
What will it take for you to shut up?
It"s funny you ask.
It"s a misunderstanding.
It was a bet, but it wasn"t a bet.
Not now, Rushon.
Like I said, it"s a flesh wound.
We wanna make sure
it doesn"t get infected.
Like I was saying, no insurance.
Ain"t this a shame.
We in the richest country in the world...
...the land of the brave,
the home of the beautiful...
...and he can"t get his leg sewn up?
This is not the time or the place.
It is the place.
It says "Emergency."
It doesn"t say" Emergency unless
you ain"t got no insurance card."
- Bunz.
- Shut up.
I tell you what, l"II go get you a parrot
to go with your peg leg.
Look, I got insurance.
I just don"t have my card on me.
No card, no cure.
I don"t think you understand
the severity of this situation.
This man has been shot.
I don"t know where you received
your education, your training...
Lystie. I apologize...
...for my friends.
It"s been a long night.
L"m sure there"s a procedure
to verify his insurance.
We filled out all the forms,
all the information you need is here.
Like I said, little Miss Fugee...
...no card, no cure.
Look, bitch, either you make the call
or l"m gonna come across that desk...
...and snatch that horsehair wig
off your bald head.
I will stick this clipboard
so far up your...
Askins.
Looking for... Rushon Askins?
- Nigga, are you Rushon?
- Yeah, Rushon Askins, right here.
- Rushon Askins.
- That"s what l"m asking.
Fool, get your ass down.
Okay, listen. We"ve already
pre-admitted this patient.
Here"s his insurance forms.
We need to get him down to triage
because his wounds are severe.
Yes, Dr. Zevroloski.
But aren"t you the guy that...?
Yes, I am.
L"m very attracted to you.
These beautiful eyes,
those cheekbones, that smile.
And I love that little moustache.
But do something with the Chia Pet.
Listen. You and your mama have
to wait behind the yellow line.
- Mama?
- Yes, your motherfucking mama.
He ain"t saying I look old.
You sure you know
what you"re doing?
I used to watch ER all the time
till they cut the brother"s part down.
Somebody died,
they gonna try to blame it on him.
Nurse, could you give me a hand?
My patient needs assistance.
Sure, doctor.
Could you roll him over there, please?
You know, I think
it"s just a flesh wound.
- Please help me get him in the bed.
- Yeah, you do look frail.
Okay, get you right up here.
There we go.
What I wanna do is...
...turn him around so you can see him.
Now, the vital signs seem to be...
...okay. The forehead fever...
...is stable.
Oh, look here. I got to run.
I got a 1 -Adam-12 right down the hall.
L"II leave you here with him.
You can handle this.
Sure, Dr. Zevroloski.
Well, Zevroloski was my first name.
L"m part German, part Jamaican.
Ger-maican.
Damn Caribbean medical schools.
Doctor? Dr. Moore needs help
in Obstetrics. She"s having a baby.
- It ain"t mine.
- No, it"s her patient.
Well, let"s get it on.
Is she naked?
It hurts good, doesn"t it?
Here, l"m gonna give you
something for the pain.
All right. It"s gonna help you relax.
It might even make you drowsy.
But you"re gonna feel
a whole lot better.
Nice.
Pleasant dreams.
So, doctor, what"s the problem?
My residency is in Emergency Peds.
I have no training in Obstetrics.
The patient is multigravida,
experiencing...
...aggravated lateral distension...
...with a likelihood
of an oblique inguinal hernia...
...impacting the peritoneum
and the epigastric artery.
Ever go to Nell"s on ladies" night?
Because it"s free before 10...
...and everything like that.
Got a brand-new DJ.
Girl, don"t worry about it.
Let me tell you something about men.
They"re only good for one thing.
And most of the time,
they don"t even do that right.
Talking all that mess
about how big they are...
...how much stamina they got...
...talking all that mess about,
"Whose is this?
Whose is this? Whose is this?"
You know what I tell them?
"You don"t even know him."
But how they gonna bet on us
like we some dogs at a race track?
Because they not human, baby.
They may seem like it.
We both eat and breathe the same.
But look at a brother like Bunz.
Does he act human?
But you just slept with Bunz.
Like I said...
...they"re only good for one thing.
- Only good for one thing.
Yes, you got it.
L"II tell you another thing,
what you got to do is flip the script.
Keep your freaky-deaky
happening on the DL.
Be like, "Yeah, that"s right.
But it"s mine. It"s mine."
That"s mine. Tear it up.
Yeah. Give it to me.
Yeah. What"s my name?
What"s my name?
We in a hospital. Hospital. Chill out.
- We in a hospital. All right.
- All right.
Okay. Tear it up.
Contractions are 10 seconds apart.
Everything"s great.
Everything"s fine.
And, you know, you looking...
You looking pretty good.
What you in for, boy?
You lucky. I got bad pipes.
- My balls is all congested.
- What are they gonna do?
Un-congest them, I guess.
It says here, "Testicular removal."
Un-congest them, my ass.
- They"re gonna chop your balls off.
- What?
Mr. Martin?
Where are you?
Mr. Martin...
...where are you?
We are ready.
"Rushon." What a pretty name.
Martin, here you are.
Great evening.
Got any more planned?
- Don"t even start on me.
- You don"t want me to start, darling.
- What is that supposed to mean?
- What is that supposed to mean?
We are in a hospital.
Of course you don"t recognize me.
L"m Dr. Zevroloski!
L"m in residency in Baltimore,
visiting doing research.
- Hold it!
- Someone stole my ID.
Zevroloski. Look it up.
I knew it.
You come with me.
We got somebody to find.
I know they"re in here somewhere.
No. This is a mistake.
Man, I swear to God.
- We should just leave.
- No, we find them and then leave them.
What is wrong with you?
Relax.
- This is a mistake.
- Now, everyone gets a little nervous...
...about this procedure.
It"s easy. First we shave you...
...then we snip you and it"s over.
There is life after castration.
Let"s go.
Well, the plumbing works.
Look, I gotta go.
- Where"s Rushon?
- I don"t know.
- You lost Rushon?
- I didn"t lose him. I just...
Look, I don"t have time for this.
L"II go look for him.
You try to find him, please.
Girlfriend, keep an eye on him.
All right, Mr. Martin,
we"ve already started anaesthesia.
You haven"t eaten
in the last 12 hours, right?
Just relax and start counting
backwards from 100.
Don"t take my johnson.
Don"t take...
All right, people, he"s out cold.
Let us tango.
Is he in there?
- Thought I looked like a mama.
- I like older women.
You trying to say I look old?
No, l"m saying you
like a fine wine. You just aged.
Check in there.
Oh, snap. Chia Pet.
It"s fine, it"s fine. Stop.
All right, she"s gone. Let"s go.
Yeah, let"s go.
- You probably ain"t even ready for this.
- No, you ain"t ready for this.
- Here we go.
- Wait a minute.
Why hasn"t this man been prepped?
It doesn"t matter. We all make
mistakes. L"II do it myself. Razor.
Who"s your daddy? Who"s your daddy?
Who"s your daddy? Come up here, girl.
Bunz, wait. Look, look.
Somebody"s in here.
That jack-o"-lantern fool
is dead to the world.
Come on, girl, let"s do this, now.
Come on.
Okay, now, come on.
I hope you ate your corn flakes, baby,
because l"m gonna go all night long.
Because I got stamina.
Wait. You got a condom, right?
No glove, no love.
Look, I got a glove right here.
May not be big enough to fit
on this big paloosa...
...but we"II do the best we can.
There we go.
Are you ready?
Wait. Okay.
Line it up.
Oh, yes.
Don"t go too fast, now.
Oh, shit.
No, you didn"t.
I been holding that one a long time.
That"s just a flare, baby.
Damn, my crippled ass...
...could"ve rolled around in her coochie
longer than that.
He"s been watching us the whole time.
The whole three...
...seconds.
I hope I didn"t wear you out, now.
You need a cigarette
or something to bring you down?
Oh, my God, what are you doing?
L"m removing a metastasised
testicular growth.
- Lf you"II excuse me...
- What? Don"t touch his growth!
- Get her out of here.
- There"s been a mistake!
He doesn"t have insurance!
Fuck!
Get him down to County!
Goddamn stupid Admissions.
L"II be on the golf course.
Son of a bitch!
- Hey, baby.
- Hi, Rushon.
- My leg... Oh, shit!
- Don"t worry, everything"s still there.
- Almost.
- Almost? What you mean, "almost"?
Lay off the Magic Shave, brother man.
Oh, my God, Nikki, no matter
what you do, don"t tell Bunz.
Here we go again, worrying
about what Bunz is gonna think.
Lord forbid you get embarrassed
in front of Bunz.
That"s what l"m talking about, Rushon.
Nikki, you mean everything to me,
but, come on, it"s...
...where a brother got
to draw the line.
And there comes a time where
a woman has got to draw the line.
- Nikki.
- Rushon...
...sun"s up,
you already lost the bet, what else?
Hurry up. You definitely know how
to do that, Quick Draw.
Hey! What"s up?
- That"s what l"ve been asking.
- Mind your business.
Big Daddy-Haddy Not-No.
- What"s up, boy?
- What"s up, man?
Looking good.
They stitched you up?
- Your boy here, don"t sweat a thing.
- You took care of me, boy.
Now that your boy is here,
l"m sure that you"II be fine.
Me and Lystie are leaving. Come on.
- Nikki.
- Forget them tricks. Let"s roll.
Nik... Nikki.
What do I gotta do to prove that
I don"t give a fuck what Bunz thinks?
- Sorry, man.
- What is this?
Kick a Brother in the Ding-Ding Day?
The proof is in the doing,
not the saying.
It"s getting late.
We"re going home.
All right, fuck it!
Bunz.
Hey, dog, what you doing?
I don"t wanna know you like this.
Rushon.
You do look younger with your beard
all cut off and everything.
"Not only am I a client,
but l"m also the president."
Looks like a popcorn shrimp, man.
Is that the best you can do?
Come on.
Looks like a doorstop.
And you gonna tell everybody we know
and embarrass the hell out of me, right?
I got to. If I pull that,
would you get stronger?
There you go, brother.
You got a tight little ass.
Ass so tight...
...you could squeeze a piece of coal
and shit a diamond.
Look at you, boy.
- Did you see what was going on?
- You need to stop joning, Speedy.
We need to really keep that
on the down low.
I been going through counselling.
I wanted to talk to you about it.
You didn"t give me a chance to reach
my climacticness.
- You just got excited, right?
- Yeah. I got excited.
Step over to this side of the line
or what?
And what"s over there for me?
I love you over here.
Look what they doing.
Ready to go with me?
Wanna go home?
My apartment.
You with me?
You sure?
Watch it, now.
- Can"t touch the pork chop.
- Can"t touch.
Can"t touch it. It"II bite you.
That normally doesn"t happen to me,
but I had an accident.
A cat jumped in my lap and scratched
the left side of my shit.
So on the left side, l"m not functional.
I gotta hit it to the right.
- You could learn a lot from him.
- But I got this sports cream.
I put it on and I am ready to go,
you know?
Nikki, I am glad
you made me wait seven weeks.
Do you think they used a razor or one
of those hair-removal creams on you?
Razor.
You sure you know
what you"re doing?
Oh, yeah.
Where is Killa?
L"m sure Killa"s around somewhere.
See? He"s not even bothering us.
I told you you two would hit it off
and bond together.
Me and Killa have come
to an understanding.
I read this is supposed to be bad
for your kidneys.
Unless you"re a professional...
...you shouldn"t go around like this.
Careful. Tendonitis.
- Let"s get this party started.
- Be gentle.
You just throw it like that?
Looks like I won. Man, if you don"t get
your hands off my money... Please.
- I ain"t never gonna go broke.
- Roll that shit again.
Brother, put your money in.
Can"t win unless you play.
You gotta throw it in there.
There we go.
Am I right? Slipped right out
of my hands. Look at that.
Yo, Bunz, we gotta go.
Seriously, his sister"s
got some ill will.
This is going to a good cause.
Sorry I gotta go like this.
Next time, to keep your shit,
you gotta know when to quit.
Let"s leave. Quickly.
Hey, brothers, y"all stay broke.
I mean, stay black.
Lucky you stopped me. I was about to
buy a condo in midtown.
- Lucky I stopped you?
- Hell, yeah.
I can tell Nikki, "We was late because
Bunz was on his knees playing dice."
Playing? I was the MVP.
You didn"t hear the roar of the crowd?
- Don"t want your cut?
- I ain"t saying that.
Fuck you, motherfucker. Get out
of my shit, know what l"m saying?
I don"t need your tired ass!
Go back to your skank ho!
She called and left her fucking number
and I caught your ass in the act!
Big nose, pop eyes, receding hairline.
Truth is, you can"t win, motherfucker!
Let me see you rise now, motherfucker!
No, I don"t think so!
Man, you ain"t got to take that.
Jab back, baby. Jab back.
Hold up one motherfucking minute!
When I need Howard Cosell,
I will call Howard Cosell!
Take your fake-dreaded ass,
pick up Mighty Mouse...
...and skippity-doo
your rank ass home, motherfucker!
Better run, man!
Got a greyhound on your back!
See? That"s why I don"t
like relationships, man.
That why I strictly deal
with booty calls.
Three a.m., no questions asked.
Speaking of that,
I don"t wanna do this blind date.
You go do your thing. L"m gonna
go back and try to win me some money.
Hey, you can do what you want, Bunz,
okay? But this girl is fine.
Miss Butterworth fine.
- It"s up to you.
- Miss Butterworth gives me gas.
Rushon, define "fine."
What does the girl look like?
I ain"t sitting at the table
with no wildebeest.
I got a reputation.
You know what l"m saying?
What about that fruit bat
you left the party with?
I was gonna tell you about that.
That girl put something
in my drink, man. L"m serious.
Because I wouldn"t go out like that.
- The girl had a beard.
- She did not have a beard.
- She had a beard. She had hair...
- She did not have a beard.
She had a goatee.
Real nice and thin...
If your girl ain"t Chinese, then why the
hell she live way down in Chinatown?
Good neighbourhood, nice apartment.
Her girlfriend lives across the hall.
The girlfriend is Chinese.
You thought l"d be upset.
I don"t mind having a little
Rice Krispies on my plate.
That means she know how
to pan-fry this noodle.
- She"s not Chinese.
- Then what"s going on? Watch yourself.
Chinese or not, she could still
snuggle up on these egg rolls.
You know what l"m saying?
They lower in fat.
See, that"s the reason why
l"II never take your ass nowhere.
You take me everywhere.
If I was a girl, we"d be dating.
Rushon"s friend is cute, right?
Oh, he"s cute enough.
No, no, no. You said he was cute.
L"m not asking you to have
the man"s baby.
Just run a little interference for me.
Know what l"m saying?
Okay.
But he does have class, though, right?
You know I do not mess with anyone
that does not have class.
Trust me. He is in a class
all by hisself.
Yo, man, what kind of name
is Lystie anyway?
It"s short for Lysterine.
That"s motherfucking mouthwash.
What"s up with these wack-ass names?
I went out with this girl named Genoria,
but she spelled it like "gonorrhoea."
I can"t put that on a postcard.
It"s Lysterine with a Y, not an I.
Oh, that makes all the difference
in the world, Rushon.
The point is
you"re doing this for me.
L"ve been going out with Nikki
for seven weeks...
Seven weeks?
And you ain"t hit that ass yet?
Hey, man, I like her, okay?
"Hey, man, I like her, okay?"
Nikki, why are you taking so long?
- I can"t go out like this.
- Here we go. Like what?
My cleavage is hanging out.
Cleavage?
I just don"t wanna send out
the wrong signal.
I think anyone that"s put up with you for
seven weeks deserves some nay-nay.
- Oh, really?
- Nikki...
...why are you making Rushon
wait so long?
He seems like he"s a good man.
He"s got a career. He treats you nice.
I know.
I just wanna make sure
that he"s the right one.
Just don"t leave me alone with him.
Sounds like he"s not the only one
feeling the seven-week itch.
It is not even like that.
You better watch that smile, then.
- Can we please go?
- All right.
This is how I peep the situation,
like this.
I think that college got you
too sensitive.
- Sensitive?
- You ain"t got no player left in you.
If I was you, I wouldn"t let the sun rise
without tagging that ass.
If it was me, l"d have that ass bouncing
like a low rider in a Dr. Dre video.
I say, " Miss Nikki, tonight is the night.
It"s a one-time offer."
She wanna give it to you tomorrow,
you say, " No, tomorrow"s too late."
- It"s not that simple.
- Not for somebody who"s slipping.
- Put me in the players" section.
- L"m not slipping.
You slipping like a motherfucker.
Look, Nikki and I are gonna
do our thing tonight.
She knows it, and I know it.
I don"t know why I disrespected you.
But you"re a gambling man, right?
Why don"t you put your money
where your mack is.
I won"t bet money
on something like that.
We don"t have to bet money.
Let"s just make it a gentleman"s bet.
We"re gentlemen, right?
- Not gonna let this go?
- Come on, big daddy...
...big player, big pimp, big baller.
There you go, that"s my boy.
You go the fuck on.
He"s celebrating his bar mitzvah.
He just got circumcised.
Go on with your food.
Oh, Rushon. It"s so good
to see you this evening.
And who is your friend?
Hello. My name is Chan,
and l"m here to serve you tonight.
Hey, brother. Rushon?
Chan, we"re waiting on
our dinner guests.
I think your hair is three things:
Fa-bu-Ious.
Well, I got three things for you:
Back up, Yoko Ono.
Oh, nigga, please.
They"re here.
Look, these girls got a lot of class.
So act like you got a little bit of sense.
Like you got a mama. Like you
wasn"t mixed up in some test tube.
We should move to a table
with better light.
- What"s wrong with the light here?
- I can"t get with ladies in muted light.
I need a good look.
Anybody can look good in dim light.
How many times you go to a club,
and under the disco lights...
...the girl look good?
You having a good time.
But the next day you go to pick her up.
You"re all happy and shit.
But it"s high noon.
She comes out the house...
...and a fucking sea donkey
climbs into your car.
I believe in a brother"s right to know
what the hell he"s feeding...
Man, just get up.
Lysterine, this is
Rushon"s friend, Bunz.
Hey, now, I was...
Excuse me.
What do you think you are doing?
Did you see that tarantula-hair fool?
Motherfucker look like Predator.
It"s just dinner. Some egg rolls, mu shu,
and we out. Girl, why are you tripping?
She don"t look like
she want my shit, man.
No, she"s on you. She"s just nervous.
- It"s a blind date. All right?
- All right. Right.
Everybody"s got a weakness.
Who knows? You and Bunz
just might hit it off.
Bunz?
You blind-date me with
a little "hood-rat named Bunz?
Girl, have you lost your mind?
No. I can"t get
with a brother named Bunz.
No, but it"s Bunz with a Z, not an S.
You never can be too ready.
Just do this for me, please.
- You owe me.
- Big-time. Now, let"s roll.
Ladies, you look good.
So, what"s up?
- Nothing.
- Are we ready to order?
- I am. I want the shrimp fried rice.
- Make that two, please.
Perfect, and I will have the prawns
in garlic sauce.
And you, Miss Thang?
- Excuse me?
- You got her with the "Miss Thang."
You eating or just looking?
Okay, boyfriend. I want a lobster tail
in butter-wine sauce.
And we girls want a bottle of Mot.
Damn, girl, why you gotta order
the most expensive shit on the menu?
- Rushon, you need to check your boy.
- Check my ass.
That"s what l"m talking about,
is the check.
Now, the lobster don"t even have
a price. It just says "seasonal."
So you know what that means,
a brother gotta pay $28.
And if I get you lobster and some Mot,
you know what"s happening after that.
No, what does happen?
L"m going deep-sea diving.
Bunz, this is a platinum card.
I could buy and sell
your ashy black, blue-collared ass.
- Is that right?
- Yes, it is.
Well, lookie here.
- What is that?
- It"s a gold gas card.
That means I can buy
all the gas I want...
...in all 50 states
and 11 foreign countries.
And I got platinum privileges too.
Because, you know, if you buy enough
gas, they give you coffee mugs.
A gas card?
You don"t even got a car.
Why you putting me on front street?
L"II have you to know that I laid away
a "68 Chevy Super Sport...
...with a 427-cubic inch twin cam
with a Hurst gearshift.
Sounds like a man who has some
serious doubts about his manhood.
Those cars are nothing but extensions
of your penis or lack thereof.
Yeah. You"re right,
because my dick is only two inches...
...from the ground.
Isn"t he grand?
Can"t get a brother"s order straight.
Look, I ordered shrimp fried rice.
Can I get some shrimp?
Oh, there is one shrimp there
and another shrimp here.
What"s with the green leafy stuff? You
trying to fool a brother with shrubbery.
Child, that"s garnishment.
Make your food look good.
What will make my food look good
is five extra shrimp.
I thought there was no smoking
in this restaurant.
- L"II take care of this.
- Bunz, sit down.
That"s the notorious Ug Lee,
the godfather of the Leuang Triad.
He runs Chinatown.
Yeah, I know, I got all his albums.
L"II tell him you said what"s up.
I know you impressed.
You probably thought
I was just a common "hood-rat, huh?
I didn"t know you spoke Chinese.
Wasn"t like I could speak it
to your ass.
- Where"d you learn?
- Watching kung fu movies.
Me and my father, we always watched
kung fu movies.
- Our TV didn"t have a vertical hold.
What l"d do is, l"d get the kung fu
videos and listen to them.
Bit by bit, I started understanding
them motherfuckers.
One time I went to
the Chinese laundry...
...and all the shit that sounded like,
"Ping, ting, pang"...
...started making sense.
So why didn"t y"all just buy a new TV?
Everybody ain"t got
no platinum card.
You know, there is some poor folk
out in the world.
How"s your shrimp, baby?
He ain"t got no shrimp over there.
Oh, here"s one.
You can have it, baby.
Oh, my goodness, you whipped.
That boy is whipped.
You know what?
You need to pay attention and learn.
All he did was gave you
a old crusty-ass shrimp.
There"s that"hood-rat
emerging again.
No fighting in restaurant.
Cost you extra to fight in restaurant.
Fuck me?
- My mother?
- My mother?
Suck these fortune-cookie nuts
and read your future...
You are a horse-mouth bitch
motherfucker.
I will stick my elbow
sideways up your ass.
Hold this for me, baby. Thank you.
Bring it. Send it.
All that, now. That ain"t nothing
but some old beginner"s luck.
- Here"s a little cleavage for mommy.
- Thank you.
Cleavage? She needs a whole...
- Well, anyway...
- See, that"s why you"re losing.
Yeah, l"m losing, but I ain"t lost.
So nice. So sweet. Give it up, nigga.
L"m in the money. What? We in
the money. Got a little cleavage here.
Beginner"s luck, huh?
Shit happens.
You tripping.
L"m tripping?
- It"s a little messy in here.
- Girl, don"t even worry about it.
- It"s a little messy in here.
- Girl, don"t even worry about it.
- It"s about to get real messy. Ready?
- L"m gonna do my thing. Here we go.
Excuse me, but where do you two
think you"re going?
Thought l"d put on some mood music
so we could dance a little bit.
I think you have done enough
dancing for tonight.
Come on, you got the ambience here.
You know how we do it, girl.
Look, the only reason why we
came up here is to play some cards.
After that, you two are going home.
Dog, if you don"t... What is it?
L"m going to kick your ass.
Leave Killa alone. He does live here,
and you are just visiting, Bunz.
Well, if we was really in China,
l"d have his ass honey-roasted.
Play, Nikki.
- Somebody"s cheating.
- Something"s going on.
- I wish something was going on.
- Y"all are just mad...
...because you losing.
I heard that, Rushon.
- Caught you slipping again.
- Oh, that"s funny to y"all?
A guy with a girl for seven weeks,
don"t get no intimacy, and that"s funny?
Maybe the girl wants a relationship
and isn"t interested in casual sex.
Maybe the girl wants
a deeper commitment.
Maybe the girl wants a soul mate.
Maybe the girl got
some soul-searching to do.
Maybe got a brother uptown
with a 9-inch ding-dong...
...knocking the bottom out your ass.
- Shut up!
- I think it"s a legitimate question.
If I was going out with a girl for seven
weeks, know what she"d be doing?
She"d be playing the meat flute.
Riding the bologna pony.
Eating tube steak, but you gotta work
a little for the gravy.
Can I get some?
Excuse me.
Thanks so much
for sharing that with us.
L"ve been trying to share this big
paloosa with you all night, but you...
Oh, boy, am I getting tired.
Ain"t you tired, Bunz?
You know what,
l"m getting tired myself.
- It is getting a little late, though.
- Lystie.
Nikki. It is getting late.
Look, since y"all tired,
and we definitely tired...
...y"all go ahead.
We can kick it here.
No, let"s still play cards.
Ain"t nobody going nowhere.
- So, Lystie.
- What?
Can I ask you a hypothetical question?
Have you ever made a brother wait
seven weeks to get up on that thing?
Why are you asking her? She ain"t
never made a man wait 30 minutes.
Do I smell a whore?
No, see, I have full confidence
in my sexuality.
And I don"t toil over it,
unlike some prudes that I know.
- Prude?
- Prude.
Oh, see, I am nobody"s prude.
I just don"t wanna rush into having sex.
And, see, that may be hard
for you to understand.
Oh, really? Well, you might
be able to understand that...
...if you cleared away those cobwebs
from your coochie.
Coochie cobwebs?
- Why don"t we just deal.
- Don"t stop now. I wanna see them box.
Let"s get ready to rumble!
What"s up?
Y"all ready for another one?
L"d rather be shopping.
Well, where is the love in this room?
I got plenty of love,
I just can"t seem to get to it.
Do you ever stop?
No. I don"t ever stop.
- Oh, really?
- Really.
So are we gonna play cards or what?
Oh, girl...
...your feet are kind of strong,
but the softest feet in the world.
Damn, man!
Get those big, jungle-rot,
alligator feet off mine!
You could snatch a salmon
with them eagles" claws!
Big old cheese knots...
Damn, something winked at me.
Feet look like they played
soccer with wolves.
Get your feet off me, man.
Look like monkey hands.
Well...
Suck it. Oh, yes...
Oh, you gonna play
with a brother"s ass.
You the MVP. A little lower.
Hit me on the taint.
It "t"ain"t" the ass
and it "t"ain"t" the lip.
Man, you talk about toe jam.
Let me get my head together.
L"m about to cramp up.
I got a little cramp in my leg.
You got any napkins?
You know, I think I left
my gas on in my stove.
- Bunz, you know how to work a pilot?
- Yeah.
Lystie, your stove"s
not even hooked up yet.
You know what,
and speaking of remodelling...
...l"ve got some paint samples
that I need to mix.
Do you think you can assist me?
I sure the fuck could, girl.
That"s my shit. Let"s go.
Hold up. Excuse me.
Where do you guys think you"re going?
- Nikki, we are gonna head on out.
- You ain"t even played the hand yet.
- We just did.
- We just did.
- Ciao.
- Lystie, wait a minute...
- Woman, mind your business.
- No, wait...
Give me that.
Oh, yes.
Oh, baby. All you got to do
is tell me how you like it.
Oh, no, baby, you might think
l"m freaky.
I don"t think you"re freaky.
It really turns me on
when a man can do impressions.
- Imitations.
- Imitations?
Imitations, yeah.
Like, powerful men.
Men of authority.
Men like Jesse Jackson.
- Jesse Jackson?
- Yes.
- Do Jesse.
- Hands that used to pick cotton...
...can now pick the president?
- Oh, yeah.
- Oh, shit.
The rhinoceros, though not as prolific
as others in the animal kingdom...
...is nonetheless as enthusiastic.
Watch as the 4000-pound beast
rises to the occasion.
Wax that 4000-pound ass.
Killa, stop that. No!
Oh, it"s all right.
He"s only human, right?
How come you didn"t pet Killa
when Bunz was here?
I think he"s a bad influence on you.
I do.
Just let me say that
the ass is round.
And you know that l"m down,
bipartisan.
And we can work it to the ground.
When I hit the skins, we can both join
together and say, "I am somebody."
- I am. Somebody.
- I am. Somebody.
- Say it loud. I am...
- I am...
...somebody. Hallelujah.
...somebody. Somebody!
- Smack my ass!
- Hallelujah!
Do you know how sweet you are?
How nice you are?
Then your boys come around,
it"s like,"What"s up, nigga?"
Now, who you checking for? Me...
...or Bunz?
- You.
- L"m the heavyweight boxing champ.
- Yes, Michael.
- I don"t care what people think.
- Yes, Michael.
- It"s ludicrous how soft your skin is.
- It"s soft for you, baby.
Reminds me of the leather
on my first gloves.
Work it.
- It makes me wanna work out.
- Work it, Mike.
Just work it, Mike!
- Yes, work it!
- Oh, you"re so vicious!
Work it! Work it! Work it!
- Wait.
- What? What? What?
Rushon, do you have a condom?
I want this, I just don"t wanna die for it.
- Condom?
- Yes.
Yeah, I got a condom right in the coat.
You want a condom?
I got a condom right here.
Right here, just like I said.
Here you go. Safe sex.
Here we go, girl. L"II do my thing.
Wait. Stop. Stay.
Come here, baby.
I would like to take my time
while l"m knocking the boots.
Go, Bill.
First, I start with the breasts because
nipples are so chocolatey and smooth.
And then I work my way on down
to the love triangle.
You like it. L"m kissing it
and licking it...
...and thinking about sticking it.
When I get there,
it"II be smooth and creamy...
...just like the Jell-O pudding.
Give me this goddamn condom,
you little...
Rushon!
There you go.
A dog"s mouth is cleaner
than a human"s.
- Rushon.
- You thought l"d use this on you...
...after it"d been in the dog"s mouth?
L"II go ahead and get me another one.
Don"t be kicking my dog.
Oh, you go, Bill.
Have your little somethin"-somethin"
and a smile.
Feel it, yes. Feel it. Feel it. Oh, yes.
Hey, Bunz, you got any condoms?
Stardate 2102:
L"m without contraceptives,
so please leave me the fuck alone.
Damn.
So she was really doing it with Bunz?
Sounded more like Bill Cosby
up in there.
Lysterine always has been
a little kinky.
- L"II call her.
- No.
Come on, let the boy do what he do.
And l"m gonna do what I do.
Shit, it"s throwing me off. Hold on.
- Let me listen.
- Longevity has its place.
I may not get to the mountaintop
with you, but I have a dream.
I have a dream too.
I have a dream that one day,
every valley shall be explored.
Explored.
Every hill and every mountain
shall be fondled.
I have a dream
that all the rough places...
...will be laid smooth and all
the crooked places laid straight.
Lay it straight!
And I can look down upon
the voluptuous woman and say:
- What you gonna say?
- " L"II wax that ass! L"II wax that ass.
- Lord have mercy, l"II wax that ass!"
- Say it, brother!
L"II go bananas
up in that rump shaker.
Lystie, what are you
over there doing?
- Nikki. Nothing.
- Nothing, my ass...
I know you are not having unprotected
sex with Martin Luther King.
Unsafe sex can be deadly.
You know that.
Nik, Dr. King"s
about to rock my world.
Girl, have you lost your mind?
You don"t know Bunz.
You don"t know where he came from.
- You better go get you a condom.
- Nikki.
You take a hard look at Bunz
and tell me you don"t need a condom.
I ain"t got nothing to do with this.
What"s the problem?
We going to do this, or what?
Bunz, l"m sorry.
Don"t even worry about it.
Let"s just go get the condoms.
- No, it is not what you think.
- Yes, it is.
Nikki"s about to get her groove on.
No, no, no. See, I told him
he can go to the store...
...pick up some condoms,
and that"s it.
Let"s just do what we gotta do.
I was doing what I had to do.
I don"t know about you, but I was
doing everything I had to do...
...to get what I needed to do done.
You"re gonna give the brother the keys
to the car and not let him drive it?
Why are you asking all these questions,
Miss All-Up-in-My-Business?
What are you gonna be doing?
Would you really like to know?
- Oh, God. I don"t even wanna know.
- No.
Since you asked, I feel I should be
at liberty to share it with you.
First, l"ve got some toys,
and then l"ve got some ice.
- Some ice?
- Oh, yeah. Girl, I love ice.
L"m gonna start at his toes
and just get him to...
- No, no, we closed.
- Yo, yo, we just want some condoms.
No condoms for Yoyo.
Yoyo, come here!
He"s saying "yo" like "yo, man."
He"s not calling my name.
No "Yoyo." "Yo, yo." I understand.
Yo, later on, I get to dip
that soy sauce, is that cool?
Come on, man. We got the girls
waiting for us back at the crib, man.
Girl, girl. I have just what you need.
Very special. Very rare.
Tiger penis.
Make you strong
in all the right places.
Look, l"m already the king
of the jungle, know what l"m saying?
Man, just give us
the best condoms you got.
Fine, fine.
Lambskin.
Very sensitive. Twelve-pack.
Leaves some feeling
for your jimmy. Only $38.
- Thirty-eight dollars?
- Look, man.
I ain"t got 12 dicks to put that on.
I just need one or two.
No can break box.
Only have 12-pack.
Twelve condom not much
for king of the jungle.
You trying to break my pockets, G.
Gi, my cousin. I am Chiu.
Now, you want skins or what?
Yo, man, if you get those,
you better hit some Nikki skins.
- What other choice have we got?
- You know, me, I just put the tip in.
You might not be putting nothing in.
Hey, tonight, before the sun rises.
Hey, look, all I need is one.
L"II just wash it out and use it again.
Recycle, baby.
L"m back.
Nikki.
Champagne.
"Open me." I can do that.
Or at least I think I can. Get your...
Hi.
Just got a little excited.
- Maybe I should put this thing on ice.
- Put it on ice.
I could do that too.
What"s wrong?
Damn cardboard is sticking me.
- Condoms.
- Condoms.
Safe way to go.
- What kind of condoms are these?
- "Condom" condoms, babe.
These are lambskin. Don"t you listen
to the surgeon general?
Lambskin condoms don"t
protect you against the HIV virus.
Baby, l"m government-tested,
grade A, clear as a bell.
- Don"t even go there.
- Yeah, but...
Rushon, just go to the store
and get some latex.
Okay? Please.
Latex.
Latex.
Goddamn sheep.
Wimpy little woolly lamb-chop ass.
Where you going?
I was gonna put some clothes on
and take Killa for a walk.
- L"II take Killa for a walk. Okay?
- Okay.
We supposed to be
bonding anyway, right?
Man"s best friend, right?
You just stay put with your fine self.
You got that?
- L"II be back.
- Okay.
Bunz...
...the condoms we got
are no good, man.
L"m going back to Mr. Chiu"s.
They"re lambskin.
What am I doing?
Hey, have a good time, man.
- We will!
- We will!
Bye, Rushon.
Let me see who that is.
It might be important.
Hold on, now. Hello?
Hey, Nik.
Yeah?
All right. He"II be right out.
L"m not going anywhere, you hear me?
We spent $38 on those condoms.
I don"t want to go out again.
L"m hot, l"m bothered.
I might hurt somebody.
- Not you. Because I don"t hit women.
- Relax. Look.
I am gonna turn you
every which way but loose.
- That"s what l"m talking about.
- After you buy...
...a latex condom, okay?
- Okay.
- Good.
- When I come back, we doing this.
- Oh, yeah.
We doing this. Do you understand?
No phone ringing.
If the Avon lady"s at the door,
l"II bust her ass...
...unless she got some condoms.
All right?
Why don"t we just wait on
the Avon lady.
Go.
It"s so dark outside.
Can you believe this?
Bet he"s with Yoyo painting
stripes on that tiger penis.
She need to be hanging
with this jungle snake.
- What are we gonna do now?
- What we gonna do? No, no.
What you gonna do?
Because I have mine going on.
And if this dog don"t quit
sniffing on my boots...
...l"m gonna show you
the true meaning of doggystyle.
- Rushon. Oh, my God, my man main.
- Singh, my nigga.
- Aren"t you on 125th Street?
- L"m a floater.
I work at Harlem, Chinatown, Hunt"s
Point, Coney Island, Hell"s Kitchen.
I don"t give a shit. L"m a floater.
No dogs allowed, my friend.
No, my brother,
that"s a Seeing Eye dog.
Well, see his nasty little rodent ass
out to the curb.
- He"s got a point, my friend.
- You"re looking at the dog"s ass?
He"s got a point too. One to one.
- What? L"m on your side.
- You started this shit.
- Y"all got some kerosene?
- Aisle two.
- Aisle three.
- You moved the kerosene.
- Tell me when you move things.
- Do I have to?
L"d like to fuck the dog.
Do I have to tell you that?
Singh, I need some latex condoms.
Okay? They gotta be latex.
Mr. Black Man, I can"t see you.
Come to the front.
You came to the right place.
We have Ginza, Sheik, Hot Tamale.
Booty Call, Backdoor Man,
Manhandlers.
Ramrod, Lube Job, In Deep.
Joy Trail, Buckwild
and Goodyear Eagles.
Goodyear got a condom too?
- Non-skid, maxi-tread.
- Give me the Sheik. No offence.
Let me get the same thing he"s got,
and also get some Backdoors.
- Oh, my God.
- I don"t think you want them.
- They"re for gay men.
- Don"t wanna go there.
I don"t know. You could be
a bit of a doo-doo chaser.
A sodomite, with hair like that.
Hell, no. Y"all got me fucked up.
I like the fuzzy stuff,
don"t get me wrong.
My hair is just a statement
of my individuality.
- Like I said, a sodomite.
- Or sodo-maybe.
- Very good. High-two.
- Oh, yeah. High-two.
- Where are your condoms, man?
- Over there.
And l"m watching you.
Mind your business.
- What"s a sodomite, anyway?
- You don"t wanna know.
I thought he was saying I was, like,
Dolemite"s cousin or something.
Damn. I forgot Killa.
Shit.
Hold.
Killa.
Come here. Killa.
No, you gotta be firm with them.
Heel!
- Damn!
- Oh, shit. Come here.
Girl, that"s right. He is out
right now taking care of Killa.
Looks like Rushon has worked
his way right on in, huh?
Honey, let me tell you, my man...
...has earned everything
l"m about to give him.
Come here, come here,
you little mutt!
I hate dogs.
Okay, Bunz, I got it. L"II tell Nikki
Killa"s with you and Lysterine.
- That way we can still get busy...
- Wait, wait.
I will not get caught up
in your web of deception.
There"s one thing I don"t do,
and that"s lie.
All right, when Nikki
is crying on Lysterine"s shoulder...
...then what you gonna do?
- Let"s get our story straight.
No story required. Come on, B.
What happened?
What took you guys so long?
Me and Killa started playing
and lost track of time.
This dog is so frisky. You hear me?
Is there something on his sweater?
No.
Nothing on this sweater.
It"s a little shadowy in here.
You know it"s getting late.
Look at this!
Is that a strong dog or what?
Your dog is a trip, girl.
L"m telling you.
Are you gonna play with him all night
or come play with me?
L"II be right in there with you.
Go ahead. Just go in there.
- L"II be in there.
- Okay.
Don"t take too long.
Make me get nothing.
Rushon, what"s taking so long?
What are you supposed to be?
Jurassic Park, baby.
Getting prehistoric in here on you.
Come here, girl.
What are you doing?
Going downtown, baby,
on the A train.
Yeah, that"s great. That"s wonderful.
Don"t you think we need
some protection?
I just went to the store.
I got that. Don"t worry.
You need a dental dam to protect
against the exchange of bodily fluid.
Where do I get some dental dam?
I been to the store.
Plastic wrap in the kitchen
next to the refrigerator.
- In the kitchen.
- All right.
Hurry up. Hurry.
- Okay.
- Clears another hurdle.
Didn"t know I was in the Olympics,
did you?
- Don"t tear up my kitchen, now.
- I got it. Dam. Here you go.
Well, don"t look like
we be going downtown.
- That"s okay, babe.
- It"s not. I want you to go downtown.
See, if you go to the store...
...then when you come back...
...you do me...
...and l"II do you.
Yeah, but the store"s a long way...
Okay.
To the store.
It"s one thing we"re leaving
to go get rubbers.
It"s another thing to get
plastic wrap for shit I don"t do.
Hey, I might hurt you.
You"re my friend, but I might hurt you.
Hey, man. You poked me in the eye.
Cut that shit down.
- Look. The butt-plugs are back.
- You got any plastic wrap?
Yeah, in the back,
next to the onions.
All right. What"s so funny?
You got to lick it
Before you kick it
You"ve got to mak e it soft and wet
Before you stick it
Hey, hey, camel cowboys.
We just want some wrap,
and then we out of here.
Oh, yeah. No. Most people come in
to buy GLAD Wrap at 2 in the morning.
You got to punch it
Before you munch it
You"ve got to work it
Before you jerk it
See? See? This is why
l"m in favour of immigration reform.
You"re fresh off the boat
and already fucking with people.
Oh, my God, take a breather.
- You feel better?
- I feel better.
I was just pulling your arm.
- Pulling your leg.
- Arm.
- You can"t say " pulling your arm."
- Why do you correct me?
- You are not in Bombay now.
- I wish I was in Bombay.
- Then go to Bombay.
- L"m not staying.
See who we get it from now?
The cold part is they got a point.
These women are running us.
We not running them.
Do you see how expensive
this shit is?
- Singh, you got anything cheaper?
- Rushon.
- Come up here, boy.
- Damn. Judge Peabody.
He go to my mother"s church.
He a Holy Roller too.
- Hey, judge.
- Rushon, what you doing out?
We just came to get a sandwich.
Ain"t nothing out this late
but the devil...
...and the devil"s helper.
- Hey, judge.
You want that GLAD Wrap?
GLAD Wrap at 2 in the morning?
Looks like you plan on eating
more than a sandwich.
Your mother know
what you"re doing?
- Well, she...
- Look here, son.
It"s bad enough you plan to fornicate.
Don"t compound the crime by lying.
Lies are the oil that grease the track.
One-way to "desolution."
Now, I know...
...what condoms and GLAD Wrap,
it has its place...
...in the pantheon of safe sex.
There"s only one way
to be totally safe...
...and that"s abstinence and purity.
- And sexual frustration.
- I know how you all feel.
When that furry temptress
seems like she"s calling your name.
She say, " Come on, Rushon!
Get some! Put your hand on it!
You want some more?
Rub it on in there.
You want me to rub it?
Bite me.
Suck it, you filthy..."
You know, and things like that.
You know?
Man, you got my nipples hard.
Watch how you talk to me.
- L"m sorry.
- L"m sorry for you.
L"m trying to help you.
That"s where you gotta be strong.
You have to take a pledge.
You say, " I swear on the seal
of this great state of New York...
...that I would never..."
- Say, judge, we gonna do this or what?
Yes. Yes, l"II be right out, miss.
L"II be right out.
That"s what l"m talking about.
So remember what I said...
...because I said it.
And tell your mother I say hello.
You-all have a great evening.
Judge, you forgot your Goodyears.
L"II come back and get it.
I have to take my clerk home.
I told you I was coming out.
Didn"t have to come in there.
Look, man, l"m a little low on cash.
Y"all got anything cheaper?
That"s the 300.
The 100 is back on the shelf.
Come on, man.
We running out of time.
I don"t trust those boys.
I think that that girl was
the judge"s fuzzy temptress.
- Furry temptress.
- What"s the difference?
What"s the difference?
You don"t know?
- Put the money in the bag.
- We are talking.
- Lf furry is here and fuzzy is here...
- Hey!
- I said, put the money in the bag.
- Your customer.
Listen, you Pakistani piece of shit,
do what I say.
Listen, you crack addict,
we"re not Pakistani. We are Punjabis.
I could pass for Pakistani.
Oh, shit, Bunz, these motherfuckers
are getting jacked.
As soon as he shoots them,
l"m gonna go get some groceries.
- Ever use the left side of your brain?
- All the time. Take these.
Hey, let"s clock this motherfucker.
Hurry up.
Give me the goddamn money.
Call me a Pakistani.
Oh, my, my, my, my, my.
Oh, my, my, my.
- And you wonder why you"re a floater.
- Are you out of your fucking minds?
Punk motherfucker.
Bunz, you all right?
I think I got a pickle
stuck in my ass.
There we go.
Tonight.
- I ain"t coming back out here.
- That"s the spirit. Bunz.
- What?
- Got a little something in here.
- Man, you wacked.
- Straighten you out.
Nikki, your man"s home.
I don"t wanna hear it.
L"m in the bathroom.
Why don"t you get ready.
I am ready, girl. I been ready.
Seven weeks ready. Shit.
Hey, Nikki.
This plastic ain"t easy to come by.
You don"t know what I been through.
But I think I finally got
this safe-sex thing down pat.
You sure you know what you"re doing?
Do I know what l"m doing?
I know what l"m doing.
Say you want some dental dam,
I got your dental dam.
Build your ass the Hoover Dam,
that"s what l"II do.
L"II whack that ass tonight.
My turn to do what I want.
You shut up before I wrap
your ass like a hot dog.
Oh, my God. Rushon, Rushon.
Sit up so you can get some air.
Sit up.
Okay, okay, okay.
You gotta breathe. Let me help you.
You are supposed to put this
around my pelvic area, not your head.
Sorry, babe. Let"s do this.
- " Let"s do this"?
- L"m fired up now.
Rushon, you almost died.
Oh, my God, you are the only man
in this world I know...
...dumb enough
to do something like this.
Help a brother out.
Get him up!
Sit him up.
- Rushon, help me.
- What?
Pop it!
Motherfucker, was you gonna wait
for me to turn into a butterfly?
- Dj vu.
- Would you lookie here.
Oh, I been looking.
You know, I told him
I was coming right back.
Bunz, did you think
you were gonna spoil or something?
L"ve got some aluminium foil
over in the cabinet too.
I don"t wanna hit no woman,
but I tell you right now...
When did this become Def Comedy
Jam? Nikki, what is so funny?
- L"m sorry, baby.
- "L"m sorry, baby."Ain"t this a bitch.
I ain"t never had to go through
this much shit to get a piece of ass.
They got you slipping,
you got me slipping. L"m out.
- You with me?
- L"m out. Come on.
- Rushon, where you going?
- L"m going home.
It"s about time you handled
your business like a man.
I still got time to make my booty call.
Didn"t I tell you about this
blind-date stuff? Look at this shit.
- Let"s get a cab and get out of here.
- Smartest thing you said all night.
- Don"t look back. Just keep walking.
- We almost got shot over this shit.
- Shot?
- You heard him. Shot. L"m out of here.
- Let"s go. Cabbie!
- Wait.
- Cabbie!
- Rushon, are you okay?
- L"m still breathing, ain"t I?
- Lf you stay away from GLAD Wrap.
- Lystie, come on.
- L"m gonna be right over here.
Baby, I am so sorry.
L"II make it up to you. L"II do anything.
We can go upstairs.
Damn.
If you"re thinking about trying
to get in good with me...
...and kissing me all on my fingers,
forget that.
- Forgotten.
- Cool.
Can I get a damn cab?
Damn!
What does a brother have to do
to get a cab? Rushon, help me out.
You say something, Bunz?
I see what"s going on.
Look like you gonna get yours before
sunrise. I guess you won the bet.
What bet?
Bunz?
Could you repeat the question?
I got a bum ear.
Baby, it"s just a figure of speech,
that"s all it is.
Like, "How much you wanna bet l"II
be tapping that ass before sunrise?"
That kind of figure of speech,
Rushon?
- Did you have a bet going on?
- No.
No. No. No, no. No, no. Hell, no.
That would be degrading.
- Completely degrading.
- This was just a harmless challenge.
- Exactly.
- Challenge.
Like between guys, we talking
about bitches and ho"s and...
- Bunz.
- Baby, that"s all right. I got it.
It"s like a guy thing. Right?
Kind of like high-fiving?
- Right.
- Like a high-five.
Lystie, did you hear that?
It"s a guy thing.
- I heard.
- Us girls have our thing too.
Except it"s not a high-five.
It"s a high-one.
- And to you too. Lystie, let"s go.
- Nikki, please...
Rushon, you bet on me.
Come on. You gonna listen to Bunz?
Nikki, Bunz is crazy.
I would never do something like...
Look...
- Would you listen to me, please?
- L"m listening.
I fucked up. I mean, a little bit.
Hey, look, hands. Hey, man,
l"m glad you stopped.
- Look...
- You no steal my car!
What"s up with the gun?
You done fucked up now.
I ought to bust your ass right here.
Sorry, I don"t wanna cork you.
Shit!
I gotta get the hell out, man.
Shit is too crazy.
L"m gonna go back to Africa,
to the roots.
Let"s take a bite of the Big Apple.
The night is young.
The only place we"re going
is the hospital...
...to get you stitched and cleaned up.
After that, we"re going home.
This is only a flesh wound.
Look. See?
Them old-school niggas could take,
like, four or five bullets to the ass...
...not even worried about
going to the hospital.
They don"t make niggas
like they used to. Rock-hard.
I hurt my finger. Kiss it.
Nikki, I made a mistake, okay?
L"m sorry.
Welcome to another episode
of Slipping-Ass Brother.
Caller, you"re on the line
from Alabama, what you think?
Does the young buck in the back
know how to fetch and roll over too?
Because he begs good as hell.
Oh, yeah, that"s right, Rushon.
Straighten up for your boy.
What will it take for you to shut up?
It"s funny you ask.
It"s a misunderstanding.
It was a bet, but it wasn"t a bet.
Not now, Rushon.
Like I said, it"s a flesh wound.
We wanna make sure
it doesn"t get infected.
Like I was saying, no insurance.
Ain"t this a shame.
We in the richest country in the world...
...the land of the brave,
the home of the beautiful...
...and he can"t get his leg sewn up?
This is not the time or the place.
It is the place.
It says "Emergency."
It doesn"t say" Emergency unless
you ain"t got no insurance card."
- Bunz.
- Shut up.
I tell you what, l"II go get you a parrot
to go with your peg leg.
Look, I got insurance.
I just don"t have my card on me.
No card, no cure.
I don"t think you understand
the severity of this situation.
This man has been shot.
I don"t know where you received
your education, your training...
Lystie. I apologize...
...for my friends.
It"s been a long night.
L"m sure there"s a procedure
to verify his insurance.
We filled out all the forms,
all the information you need is here.
Like I said, little Miss Fugee...
...no card, no cure.
Look, bitch, either you make the call
or l"m gonna come across that desk...
...and snatch that horsehair wig
off your bald head.
I will stick this clipboard
so far up your...
Askins.
Looking for... Rushon Askins?
- Nigga, are you Rushon?
- Yeah, Rushon Askins, right here.
- Rushon Askins.
- That"s what l"m asking.
Fool, get your ass down.
Okay, listen. We"ve already
pre-admitted this patient.
Here"s his insurance forms.
We need to get him down to triage
because his wounds are severe.
Yes, Dr. Zevroloski.
But aren"t you the guy that...?
Yes, I am.
L"m very attracted to you.
These beautiful eyes,
those cheekbones, that smile.
And I love that little moustache.
But do something with the Chia Pet.
Listen. You and your mama have
to wait behind the yellow line.
- Mama?
- Yes, your motherfucking mama.
He ain"t saying I look old.
You sure you know
what you"re doing?
I used to watch ER all the time
till they cut the brother"s part down.
Somebody died,
they gonna try to blame it on him.
Nurse, could you give me a hand?
My patient needs assistance.
Sure, doctor.
Could you roll him over there, please?
You know, I think
it"s just a flesh wound.
- Please help me get him in the bed.
- Yeah, you do look frail.
Okay, get you right up here.
There we go.
What I wanna do is...
...turn him around so you can see him.
Now, the vital signs seem to be...
...okay. The forehead fever...
...is stable.
Oh, look here. I got to run.
I got a 1 -Adam-12 right down the hall.
L"II leave you here with him.
You can handle this.
Sure, Dr. Zevroloski.
Well, Zevroloski was my first name.
L"m part German, part Jamaican.
Ger-maican.
Damn Caribbean medical schools.
Doctor? Dr. Moore needs help
in Obstetrics. She"s having a baby.
- It ain"t mine.
- No, it"s her patient.
Well, let"s get it on.
Is she naked?
It hurts good, doesn"t it?
Here, l"m gonna give you
something for the pain.
All right. It"s gonna help you relax.
It might even make you drowsy.
But you"re gonna feel
a whole lot better.
Nice.
Pleasant dreams.
So, doctor, what"s the problem?
My residency is in Emergency Peds.
I have no training in Obstetrics.
The patient is multigravida,
experiencing...
...aggravated lateral distension...
...with a likelihood
of an oblique inguinal hernia...
...impacting the peritoneum
and the epigastric artery.
Ever go to Nell"s on ladies" night?
Because it"s free before 10...
...and everything like that.
Got a brand-new DJ.
Girl, don"t worry about it.
Let me tell you something about men.
They"re only good for one thing.
And most of the time,
they don"t even do that right.
Talking all that mess
about how big they are...
...how much stamina they got...
...talking all that mess about,
"Whose is this?
Whose is this? Whose is this?"
You know what I tell them?
"You don"t even know him."
But how they gonna bet on us
like we some dogs at a race track?
Because they not human, baby.
They may seem like it.
We both eat and breathe the same.
But look at a brother like Bunz.
Does he act human?
But you just slept with Bunz.
Like I said...
...they"re only good for one thing.
- Only good for one thing.
Yes, you got it.
L"II tell you another thing,
what you got to do is flip the script.
Keep your freaky-deaky
happening on the DL.
Be like, "Yeah, that"s right.
But it"s mine. It"s mine."
That"s mine. Tear it up.
Yeah. Give it to me.
Yeah. What"s my name?
What"s my name?
We in a hospital. Hospital. Chill out.
- We in a hospital. All right.
- All right.
Okay. Tear it up.
Contractions are 10 seconds apart.
Everything"s great.
Everything"s fine.
And, you know, you looking...
You looking pretty good.
What you in for, boy?
You lucky. I got bad pipes.
- My balls is all congested.
- What are they gonna do?
Un-congest them, I guess.
It says here, "Testicular removal."
Un-congest them, my ass.
- They"re gonna chop your balls off.
- What?
Mr. Martin?
Where are you?
Mr. Martin...
...where are you?
We are ready.
"Rushon." What a pretty name.
Martin, here you are.
Great evening.
Got any more planned?
- Don"t even start on me.
- You don"t want me to start, darling.
- What is that supposed to mean?
- What is that supposed to mean?
We are in a hospital.
Of course you don"t recognize me.
L"m Dr. Zevroloski!
L"m in residency in Baltimore,
visiting doing research.
- Hold it!
- Someone stole my ID.
Zevroloski. Look it up.
I knew it.
You come with me.
We got somebody to find.
I know they"re in here somewhere.
No. This is a mistake.
Man, I swear to God.
- We should just leave.
- No, we find them and then leave them.
What is wrong with you?
Relax.
- This is a mistake.
- Now, everyone gets a little nervous...
...about this procedure.
It"s easy. First we shave you...
...then we snip you and it"s over.
There is life after castration.
Let"s go.
Well, the plumbing works.
Look, I gotta go.
- Where"s Rushon?
- I don"t know.
- You lost Rushon?
- I didn"t lose him. I just...
Look, I don"t have time for this.
L"II go look for him.
You try to find him, please.
Girlfriend, keep an eye on him.
All right, Mr. Martin,
we"ve already started anaesthesia.
You haven"t eaten
in the last 12 hours, right?
Just relax and start counting
backwards from 100.
Don"t take my johnson.
Don"t take...
All right, people, he"s out cold.
Let us tango.
Is he in there?
- Thought I looked like a mama.
- I like older women.
You trying to say I look old?
No, l"m saying you
like a fine wine. You just aged.
Check in there.
Oh, snap. Chia Pet.
It"s fine, it"s fine. Stop.
All right, she"s gone. Let"s go.
Yeah, let"s go.
- You probably ain"t even ready for this.
- No, you ain"t ready for this.
- Here we go.
- Wait a minute.
Why hasn"t this man been prepped?
It doesn"t matter. We all make
mistakes. L"II do it myself. Razor.
Who"s your daddy? Who"s your daddy?
Who"s your daddy? Come up here, girl.
Bunz, wait. Look, look.
Somebody"s in here.
That jack-o"-lantern fool
is dead to the world.
Come on, girl, let"s do this, now.
Come on.
Okay, now, come on.
I hope you ate your corn flakes, baby,
because l"m gonna go all night long.
Because I got stamina.
Wait. You got a condom, right?
No glove, no love.
Look, I got a glove right here.
May not be big enough to fit
on this big paloosa...
...but we"II do the best we can.
There we go.
Are you ready?
Wait. Okay.
Line it up.
Oh, yes.
Don"t go too fast, now.
Oh, shit.
No, you didn"t.
I been holding that one a long time.
That"s just a flare, baby.
Damn, my crippled ass...
...could"ve rolled around in her coochie
longer than that.
He"s been watching us the whole time.
The whole three...
...seconds.
I hope I didn"t wear you out, now.
You need a cigarette
or something to bring you down?
Oh, my God, what are you doing?
L"m removing a metastasised
testicular growth.
- Lf you"II excuse me...
- What? Don"t touch his growth!
- Get her out of here.
- There"s been a mistake!
He doesn"t have insurance!
Fuck!
Get him down to County!
Goddamn stupid Admissions.
L"II be on the golf course.
Son of a bitch!
- Hey, baby.
- Hi, Rushon.
- My leg... Oh, shit!
- Don"t worry, everything"s still there.
- Almost.
- Almost? What you mean, "almost"?
Lay off the Magic Shave, brother man.
Oh, my God, Nikki, no matter
what you do, don"t tell Bunz.
Here we go again, worrying
about what Bunz is gonna think.
Lord forbid you get embarrassed
in front of Bunz.
That"s what l"m talking about, Rushon.
Nikki, you mean everything to me,
but, come on, it"s...
...where a brother got
to draw the line.
And there comes a time where
a woman has got to draw the line.
- Nikki.
- Rushon...
...sun"s up,
you already lost the bet, what else?
Hurry up. You definitely know how
to do that, Quick Draw.
Hey! What"s up?
- That"s what l"ve been asking.
- Mind your business.
Big Daddy-Haddy Not-No.
- What"s up, boy?
- What"s up, man?
Looking good.
They stitched you up?
- Your boy here, don"t sweat a thing.
- You took care of me, boy.
Now that your boy is here,
l"m sure that you"II be fine.
Me and Lystie are leaving. Come on.
- Nikki.
- Forget them tricks. Let"s roll.
Nik... Nikki.
What do I gotta do to prove that
I don"t give a fuck what Bunz thinks?
- Sorry, man.
- What is this?
Kick a Brother in the Ding-Ding Day?
The proof is in the doing,
not the saying.
It"s getting late.
We"re going home.
All right, fuck it!
Bunz.
Hey, dog, what you doing?
I don"t wanna know you like this.
Rushon.
You do look younger with your beard
all cut off and everything.
"Not only am I a client,
but l"m also the president."
Looks like a popcorn shrimp, man.
Is that the best you can do?
Come on.
Looks like a doorstop.
And you gonna tell everybody we know
and embarrass the hell out of me, right?
I got to. If I pull that,
would you get stronger?
There you go, brother.
You got a tight little ass.
Ass so tight...
...you could squeeze a piece of coal
and shit a diamond.
Look at you, boy.
- Did you see what was going on?
- You need to stop joning, Speedy.
We need to really keep that
on the down low.
I been going through counselling.
I wanted to talk to you about it.
You didn"t give me a chance to reach
my climacticness.
- You just got excited, right?
- Yeah. I got excited.
Step over to this side of the line
or what?
And what"s over there for me?
I love you over here.
Look what they doing.
Ready to go with me?
Wanna go home?
My apartment.
You with me?
You sure?
Watch it, now.
- Can"t touch the pork chop.
- Can"t touch.
Can"t touch it. It"II bite you.
That normally doesn"t happen to me,
but I had an accident.
A cat jumped in my lap and scratched
the left side of my shit.
So on the left side, l"m not functional.
I gotta hit it to the right.
- You could learn a lot from him.
- But I got this sports cream.
I put it on and I am ready to go,
you know?
Nikki, I am glad
you made me wait seven weeks.
Do you think they used a razor or one
of those hair-removal creams on you?
Razor.
You sure you know
what you"re doing?
Oh, yeah.
Where is Killa?
L"m sure Killa"s around somewhere.
See? He"s not even bothering us.
I told you you two would hit it off
and bond together.
Me and Killa have come
to an understanding.
I read this is supposed to be bad
for your kidneys.
Unless you"re a professional...
...you shouldn"t go around like this.
Careful. Tendonitis.
- Let"s get this party started.
- Be gentle.