Bowfinger (1999) Movie Script
Bowfinger International Pictures.
This is Cherisse from AT&T.
We're wondering if your payment
for $5.43 has gone astray. Call us.
Just a reminder.
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your residence to disconnect your phone.
Great script.
Betsy, it's now or never.
We are gonna make a movie.
- Bowfinger International Pictures.
- It's Carol.
How do I say this? I have an offer
to go to Edmonton to do Cats.
It's a small role, but I've got to take it.
- You keep promising me...
- No!
...but it's been 8 months.
- Carol, don't take that job.
We're gonna make a motion picture.
I promise you.
- But you've promised before.
- I know.
- Be here tomorrow at 10:00 a.m.
- I can't afford...
- Please!
- But you always...
This is Dave. Beep comin'.
Dave, can you get me
a Mercedes tomorrow?
I want you to find out when
and where Jerry Renfro is having lunch.
Just do it. Don't think about it.
You're my buddy.
Come on.
- Hello?
- Afrim? It's Bowfinger. Great script.
You wrote a great script.
Your accounting days are over.
He likes my script!
Afrim? Afrim?
- Be here tomorrow at 10:00 a.m.
- Yes, Boss.
- Slater.
- Who is this?
- Bowfinger.
- 'Bye.
Don't hang up. Be here tomorrow at 10:00.
- That's early.
- Big meeting, 10:00 a.m. Please?
You believe in me, don't you, Betsy?
First of all, thank you for coming.
I know things have been a little slow.
- Very slow.
- Slow and low.
Let him speak.
We are not the big guys.
We are the little guys.
We never had muscle before,
but now we do.
Because last night I read a screenplay...
...that every studio in town
is going to want.
And how did we get this screenplay?
Because Afrim here...
...is a damn fine writer,
and accountant and part-time receptionist.
I said, "Afrim, if you can write
as well as you can add..."
I didn't have to finish my sentence.
Twelve days later
he hands me this masterpiece.
Thank you, Boss.
Tell them the title.
Chubby Rain.
What?
Chubby Rain. Tell them why.
- The aliens come to Earth in raindrops.
- Yeah!
Making the raindrops chubby.
Aliens in the raindrops.
At the end of this movie...
...when our hero, Keith Kincaid,
looks up at the alien antenna and says:
"Gotcha, suckers!"
I mean, that is a moment.
I don't know.
I'll close the deal today.
If I don't, you can go anywhere you want.
Come here.
See that FedEx truck?
Every day, it delivers important papers
to people around the world.
And one day, it is going to stop here...
...a man is going to walk up and casually
toss a couple of FedExes on my desk.
And at that moment, we...
...and by "we" I mean "me,"
will be important.
Now, today...
...I have a very important meeting
with Jerry Renfro.
If it goes the way I think it's gonna go,
I will see you at the Oscars.
Good job, Dave.
Return it in 45 minutes.
I'm supposed to wash it.
Has Renfro left?
Fifteen minutes ago.
He should be at the restaurant now.
If this goes like I think,
I'm making you cameraman.
Know what that means?
- You'd be living up to your promise?
- That's right.
If this movie gets made,
I'm giving you my van.
It is my van.
Could you seat me next to Jerry Renfro?
Thank you.
Tony, how are you?
No. Say the deal back to me.
Net net?
If I'm putting $85 million
into an avalanche movie...
...I gotta know where the snow is.
And it better be Aspen.
And what asshole will direct.
We gotta get a director. Get me a list.
- The star has to be international.
- I need an international star.
- Who's my star?
- How about Kit Ramsey?
Kit Ramsey is the hottest,
sexiest action star in the world.
When I think of Kit Ramsey in this movie,
I get very comfortable.
Yeah, but I won't bid
against Flanehfastah...
...because even if Kit Ramsey's interested,
we might not want him.
Can you believe this? Now they try
to tell us who's gonna be in our movies.
Get me Kit. Get me Kit right now.
You don't put me on hold,
I put you on hold.
Put me on hold and you're a dead man.
How are you? Bobby Bowfinger,
Bowfinger Films.
- We worked on that thing years ago.
- What thing?
The... famous movie.
Hi, Kit. How are you?
My man! How's Dolores?
Good. You are first in line for the script.
- You can't be more first than first.
- Can I talk to him?
- Can I talk to Kit?
- Absolutely. Kit?
Got a surprise for you. Kit?
I'm losing you...
- Bad line?
- These cell phones are so bad.
Universal's begging me for this script.
They screwed me once.
You ought to take a look.
- It starts nice.
- It does, doesn't it?
- All this.
- Yeah. Right.
- "Gotcha, suckers!" That is a catch phrase.
- Isn't that good?
I just saw the poster.
Let's be risky today. I'm going with this.
You bring me this script and Kit Ramsey
and you got yourself a go picture, Bobby.
Okay. Thanks.
I love what you do. Here's my card.
Just keep that.
What was that?
"A go picture! A go picture!"
Do you know anyone who knows
Kit Ramsey?
Damn it! I'm the biggest black
action star in the world!
- Where's my "Hasta la vista, baby"?
- What?
If Arnold Schwarnzen-cracker
is gettin' to say lines like that...
...then I deserve equally well-written shit.
- The script has that moment.
- When?
You say, "I enjoyed meeting you, Cliff."
Then you push the guy right over the cliff.
But the audience has to know
the guy's name is Cliff, and he's on a cliff.
It's too cerebral. We're trying
to make a movie, not a film.
You're supposed to be the agent!
You better find me a line
like the time I told Tommy Lee Jones...
..."Fuck you," and blew his brains out.
You know what's happening?
Another example of the white man
taking all the best catch phrases...
...and then giving them
to Arnold or Stallone.
Exactly. And Jackie Chan and Van Damme.
They can't even speak English good.
There's covert stuff goin' on.
Some covert shit I just found out.
I'm glad you're here. Come in here.
Right now, everybody. Come here.
- What you talkin' about?
- Just for fun...
...I scanned the script to see
how many times the letter "K" appears.
The letter "K" appears
in this script 1,456 times.
That's perfectly divisible by three.
- So what're you saying?
- What am I sayin'?
"KKK" appears in this script 486 times.
- The sickness is deep.
- He's playing you.
- I've been played.
- That's really not the case here.
This is a great script.
It's not Shakespeare, but...
- What'd you just say?
- I said, "It's not Shakespeare, but..."
It's not... Did you hear what he's doing?
He's doing something.
I just can't put my finger on it.
What's he doing?
- Shakespeare, Freddy.
- Shakespeare!
- "Shake-a-spear. Spear-chucker."
- "Shake-a-spear!"
I'm a spear-chucker now.
- Call me a spear-chucker.
- It doesn't mean that!
It's my imagination?
There's no computer chip
in LaToya Jackson's brain.
She just acts like that.
Teddy Kennedy ain't 1/16 black.
- Teddy Kennedy?
- He's different to the other Kennedys.
- I got some calls to make.
- Go make some calls. Call Arnold and Sly!
And Van Damme and Jackie Chan.
Tell 'em the spear-chucker said hello!
Get my door just as fast
as you get Tom Hanks'!
- Wait. Who are you?
- Script delivery from Paramount.
- I ain't expectin' no script from Paramount.
- I mean Universal.
- Maybe so. Come on.
- Gotta have you sign.
- I ain't signing shit.
- It's all good. This script is butter.
- What?
- Butter, butter. This stuff is butter.
It's all good. It's jiggy baby.
How you know it's all good and jiggy baby?
- I was reading it on the way over.
- You read my script?
I loved this script 'cause
it's a twist on the usual.
- It's science fiction, which we know sells...
- You shut up.
I'll whip your ass.
You don't be reading my stuff.
- Get off the property!
- I just got a little excited.
I gotta get over to my MindHead meeting.
MindHead?
- MindHead?
- MindHead! You need a lift?
- I can't believe that!
- Yeah! Come on in.
- Thank you.
- What a coincidence!
- Who's your guide?
- Terry Stricter. Yours?
- Ray.
- Ray?
It's people like you
that give MindHead a bad name!
You lying sack of shit!
Read the script.
I'm really a big-time producer with clout.
Welcome to MindHead.
Welcome to MindHead.
Seems as though
you're doing much better.
- Yes. Yes.
- Your paranoia...
...is definitely under control
since you came to understand...
...Happy Premise Number One.
Happy Premise Number One:
There are no aliens.
Happy Premise Number Two.
Happy Premise Number Two:
There is no giant foot trying to squash me.
Happy Premise Number Three.
Happy Premise Number Three:
Even though I feel like I might ignite...
...I probably won't.
What do we do?
Keep it together.
Keep it together. Keep it together.
And what is it we don't do
under any circumstances?
- Oh, man!
- What is it?
I have to show it to the Laker Girls.
You cannot show it to the Laker Girls.
Keep Mr. Weenie in the pants.
Always in the pants.
I know you want to show it
to the Laker Girls...
...but you must never show it
to the Laker Girls.
What did he say?
Betsy, come here.
Sit! Come.
Sit!
Good girl! Come here. What a good girl.
- Is she amazing, or what?
- What did he say?
I'm at the meeting with Jerry Renfro,
and it's going very well.
But, I'm looking at him and I'm thinking,
I don't need him.
What I need is someone like a Kit Ramsey.
Kit Ramsey makes this a go picture.
- So, I went to see Kit at his home.
- My God.
What did he say?
- What did who say?
- What did Kit Ramsey say?
I'm meeting with Kit at his home...
By the way, he knew who I was.
I gave him the script,
and he looked through the script.
And I said, "So, what do you think?
Are you interested in doing this movie?"
Kit looked at me...
...he said...
Kit, just...
...said:
"Yes."
Kit Ramsey said yes?
Kit Ramsey is doing this movie!
- You told them we'd make this movie?
- That's right, I did.
- You have to tell them.
- Tell them what?
- We're not gonna make the movie.
- Dave, I made them a promise.
How will you make the movie
with Kit Ramsey? He said no.
You don't think I worked that out?
We'll make the movie
with Kit Ramsey, except...
- Except what?
- Except he won't know he's in it.
What?
We secretly follow him around
with a camera.
Our actors walk up to him
and say their lines.
And he's in our movie,
and we don't have to pay him.
- What's he gonna say?
- What difference does it make?
It's an action movie.
All he's gotta do is run.
He runs away from the aliens,
he runs toward the aliens.
I want to show you something.
Got this all worked out, I think.
There are six major scenes with Kit.
The ones in red.
He's not in any of the other scenes...
...so we just shoot those
with our own actors on our own time.
Bingo, we've got a movie.
That's crazy.
But we're desperate.
Why don't you wait till you get a star
who wants to be in it?
I'm 49 years old.
Admittedly, I could get away
with 44, 41, maybe 38.
But when you hit 50,
they don't hire you anymore.
It's like they can smell 50.
What's that?
When I was 10,
I knew I wanted to make movies...
...but I knew no one
was going to give me that.
So I started putting away
one dollar every week of my life.
If I missed a week, I made it up later,
from age 10 on.
And now, you're looking at enough
to get us started.
$2,184.
But movies cost millions of dollars
to make.
That's after gross net deduction
profit percentage...
...deferment ten percent of the nut.
Cash? Every movie costs $2,184.
Where do I go to be an actress?
Okay. That was nice.
We have your photos,
and we'll call you when we decide.
- I have new photos.
- No, these are good.
- You hated me, didn't you?
- No. You were very good.
She was good.
She had the personality
of a zip code in Kansas.
- She didn't have "it."
- What do you mean, "it"?
"Lt" is a special quality.
No matter what,
you cannot take your eyes off that person.
Every word they say,
every gesture you're interested in.
Do I have "it"?
I'm sorry. I wasn't listening. What?
Do I have "it"?
Yes, you do.
I thought I did.
Next. Who's next?
Is this where I go to be a star?
This is where you go to sacrifice,
learn your craft and work hard.
Does that take more than a week?
I gave myself one week.
- That's this office.
- We'll take a chance, see if you have "it."
See if you have a special quality.
See if you have the illusion
of the first time.
Where do I pay? It's $25, right?
- A check?
- I have ID.
Maybe a less solid movie company
could take a check, but we only take cash.
But I don't have any cash on me.
I have cash, but just not on me,
and the banks aren't open.
There, there, there.
There's the door.
We can't let you audition.
- But I drove in from Ohio and...
- I'm sorry.
- Well...
- I'm sorry.
There you are. Goodbye.
She looked pretty good, like she could act.
Yeah, but if they don't pay to audition,
it could be dangerous.
How?
If she gets the part.
She might want to be paid.
Maybe she had "it"!
I didn't make the system.
The system is bigger...
All right. If you want
the responsibility, fine.
I talked it over with the man.
Says he'll take a check.
- He will?
- Yes.
- He listens to you?
- Yeah.
"I could never be with you, Todd.
"I'm loyal to Keith. I'm loyal to him.
"I could never, never kiss you."
Okay, that was very good.
Let's try it one more time.
Slater, this time without the erection.
Thank you, Mr. Bowfinger! Thank you!
We gotta get a crew.
The best damn crew we can afford.
ndale, muchachos!
In here. In here.
Come on. In here.
Welcome to America.
I'm so happy to meet you.
This is gonna be great.
I can tell you know what you're doing...
Thanks for making the trip.
Glad to have you aboard.
Guess what? We just closed Kit's deal.
Typical deal. Points. Name over the title.
- We get only one take with Kit.
- One take?
- He doesn't want to see the camera.
- How come?
It's his way of working.
He's so into his character, that if he sees
the camera, it breaks his concentration.
- When do we start?
- We start tomorrow at 7:00 a.m.
What is it?
I wish you could see what I see.
What do you see, Boss?
The most promising group of young
professionals I've ever worked with.
- Hey, Cliff.
- 'Morning, Dave.
- Good camera.
- Yeah.
It goes back each night or it's a felony.
- Years you'd get.
- You'd get. Daisy, come on.
What if Daisy said, "It's a tough world"
instead of "rough world"?
That's good. Got that briefcase?
She'd bring his briefcase
if she was worried?
The briefcase is a metaphor
for the relationship.
Shouldn't I be in this scene?
I could be lurking behind a bush.
Okay, this is it. Places, everyone.
Roll! Speed! Marker!
Remember, don't let him see the camera.
Action.
Come on, Daisy, go.
Back to Daisy.
Keith, you forgot your briefcase!
Keith, you forgot... You're upset!
One slip-up in your tough,
crime-filled world and you could die.
Keith! Keith!
- Your name Keith?
- No, I'm Jimmy.
But thanks for asking.
And, cut!
We got our first shot.
Here it comes.
Come on. Work, baby, work.
Keith, you forgot your briefcase.
You forgot... You're upset.
One slip-up in your tough,
crime-filled world and you could die.
It worked. It looked like Daisy
came out of the house.
This movie's gonna work!
- Dave, did you wash my car?
- Workin' on it.
One scene down.
- Yeah?
- Bowfinger, here's what I got.
Kit and his agent will be
at the Rodeo Grille tomorrow at 12:45 p.m.
Are we gonna be there?
Better believe it. You're a genius.
Can you see over there?
- What do you see? Can you see Kit?
- Yeah.
Am I trying for you or not trying?
You're trying,
but I want at least the same...
I know I ain't gonna be treated like
Mighty Whitey in this town.
I put in 25 years in the theater
before coming to Hollywood.
We're almost ready.
I still don't see why I can't meet the man
I'm going to be working with.
He wants to impress you with his acting,
and he needs his total concentration.
- That's just young!
- I know.
I wish once I could work with someone
who had honed their craft.
- But right now we need that scene.
- You'll get your scene.
He may not be a professional, but I am.
Carol.
White boys get all the Oscars. It's a fact.
- We know that, but...
- Did I get a nomination?
No. 'Cause I ain't played none
of them slave roles.
That's when you get nominated.
Black dude plays a slave role,
gets nominated.
White boy plays an idiot, gets the Oscar.
Find me a script as a retarded slave,
then I get the Oscar.
I'm gonna schmooze. I'll be right back.
Go find that script.
Buck, the Wonder Slave.
Here we go.
Sound.
Lights!
Roll it.
When you left Phoenix, it wasn't
because you wanted to raise soybeans.
You had to get away. Why?
Was it because you wanted me
and it burned inside of you?
- I beg your pardon?
- Come back to Phoenix.
Stop this madness. Let me in on whatever
mission this is that you're doing.
- Do you know who I am?
- Of course.
You're Keith Kincaid.
You've come down from Wyoming...
...with your damn UFOs.
You bastard! Bastard!
- Because you prefer alien love!
- Alien love?
- Why did you say "alien love"?
- I must get my umbrella.
You triggered the voices.
Freddy!
Take me to Terry Stricter! Now!
We got it.
Strange people are coming
to me on the street...
...and they're speaking in Jupiterian
or Venutian or something.
Strangers come up to you,
and you don't understand them.
- What is that?
- Maybe they're fans.
- Crazy fans.
- They speak to me...
...only they speak in a secret
white language that I can't decode.
It's horrifying!
What do these crazy people
who speak to you and make no sense say?
They talk about things I never heard of,
about people I don't know.
Somebody named Keith.
And aliens, sex and umbrellas.
I see.
Kit?
Do you think you can keep it together?
Yes, I can keep it together.
I'm K-l-T, Kit. I'm keeping it together now.
Keep it together. I'm keeping it together.
- Don't I look together?
- Have you heard any more voices?
No.
Every now and then I hear a voice.
I haven't heard voices.
What did this one voice say?
"As I stand here before you today...
"...the Laker Girls' cheerleading squad...
"...needs to be taken down a peg or two."
You know, last night was really special.
It was. I've never done it
lying down before.
- You know, next time...
- Yeah?
Next time, I think I'd like to do it
with just two condoms.
If I was in the movie more, yeah.
If I was in the movie more,
we'd be equals, and I'd trust you more.
- We have lots of scenes together.
- I love our scenes.
Our scenes are the best,
but I should have more scenes with Kit.
If I had more scenes with Kit,
then that would really pump up our scenes.
Afrim would be in charge of that.
He's the screenwriter.
- So the writer's in charge of that?
- Yeah.
- Boss, I've got those pages.
- What pages?
The new pages.
I think if Daisy had more scenes with Kit...
...it would pump up the scenes with Slater.
So I wrote more scenes for Daisy and Kit,
some hot scenes...
...where there's heat and chemistry.
- I don't think we need...
- I think you will see...
...these new hot scenes, the ones
in which Daisy exposes her breasts...
...will increase sales in Thailand.
Daisy agreed to this?
That is the case,
although I haven't talked to her.
- Baby.
- Hi.
Hello.
"A vixen in stretch pants.
"What man wouldn't want a hot virgin?"
You'll do this?
If I have to. If it's for the movie,
and you really want me to.
If it's artistic and says something
about reality...
If it's in character and for the scene...
Right, right.
Bowfinger International Pictures.
How may I direct your call? What?
I tracked Kit to MindHead.
He could be coming down any time.
All right, all right.
Kit feels he's ready to shoot
the parking lot scene.
I just love the way this guy works.
Keep it together. Keep it together.
Keep it together.
And, cut!
- Did you get that?
- Nice.
- What'd you see?
- Fear. Mostly fear.
- Some insane looks.
- You saw insane looks?
Betsy, you were such a good girl.
Let's get Carol out of her trailer,
shoot the other side of this masterpiece.
- He's brilliant.
- He is.
His fear is so real.
It's like it's actually happening.
- We work really well together.
- That's what he was saying.
Bastard!
Darling.
Darling, I respect Kit's way of working.
The no rehearsal, no contact off screen.
But it's so traditional to actually meet
the person you're working with.
No, you should not meet Kit because
we're not doing anything traditional here.
We're working in a new style.
We're working in cinema nouveau.
Cinema nouveau.
It felt so good today to quit my job.
I told them, "I'm a screenwriter now."
They said,
"You have eight brothers and four sisters.
"How will you earn your money?"
I said, "This is more important.
"Bowfinger has given me a chance,
and I'm going to take it."
You are a great writer. You really are.
I love my new scenes. They're so great.
Are they going in?
- That's up to Bowfinger.
- It is?
That's sharp. Do the thing.
I'm gonna look good in that. That's bad.
Send it up to the house for me.
The store would be happy to offer you
these clothes without charge...
...if you'd come back Friday,
let us take a picture...
...for LA Style of you wearing the clothes.
I can do that. It'll cost you $1,000.
I'll be here Friday, 4:00.
- I'm sure that could be arranged.
- Hundred-dollar bills.
Right.
I know I shouldn't do this,
I just want you to know...
...that you were so real
in your response to the aliens.
I wasn't even sure
I could be a pod person...
...but now I'm enjoying it
because you made the aliens come alive.
It was like they were living inside of me.
At first I was nervous
about us having sex...
...but now I think it's fine as long
as we do it in a professional manner.
There'll be a lot of people watching.
I won't bother you anymore.
He's in the grotto.
What did this alien want from you?
She wanted to inhale my gonads!
- Say again?
- My gonads!
They come down, pretend they're shaking
your hands, but they're not.
They inhale your gonads
for special research.
I got rid of the Sports Channel.
No more gamma beams from Jupiter
messing with my mind.
Keep it together.
Kit, maybe you should stay
with us for a few days...
...in our special celebrity relaxing quarters.
- You think I need that?
- I do.
Go get my checkbook.
Keep it together.
- Can't find Kit.
- What do you mean you can't find Kit?
He's one of the most famous faces
in the world. You can find him.
No. We staked out his house,
MindHead, everywhere.
- He's vanished, gone.
- Where is the guy?
We can't shoot movie without our star.
Actors have no work ethic these days.
They keep his movements secret.
They control him.
A lot of guys must look like Kit.
We'll get a look-alike for the long shots.
We'll shoot him from behind
and not show his face.
Kit showed his ass
in eight of his ten films...
...eight of his ten films were hits,
so we need a guy with a fabulous ass...
...and mine is the wrong color.
Then I studied at the Moscow Arts Theater
for two years...
...and did a year at the National in London.
I'm currently doing a midnight production
of Waiting for Godot here in L.A.
And are you in the union?
Yes, I am.
Currently, I'm packing fries
at the Burger King on Douglas.
- Do you have experience in film?
- Quite a bit, actually.
Quite a bit of experience.
I'm an active renter at Blockbuster...
...and I attend the Film du Cinema...
...as much as possible.
Weekly, biweekly, inter-weekly,
intermediately.
Would you be willing to cut your hair?
Yes, but it's usually better
if someone else does it.
I've had a few accidents.
- Can you see without your glasses?
- Yeah. I can see.
I don't really see well, but I can see.
- Do you have contacts?
- I have contact lenses.
I can wear contact lenses. That'd help.
- Can I put my glasses back on?
- Sure, put them back on.
I'm getting a little headache.
Would you be willing to show
your naked rear end in a movie?
Yeah, I guess so.
- This is hard.
- Just one more question.
In addition to being a star in this film,
would you also be willing to run errands?
I'm really hoping
to get a career running errands.
That'd be a major boost for me.
- What did you say your name was?
- Jiffrenson.
- Jiffrenson?
- Jiff. My friends call me Jiff.
Jiff, welcome aboard.
Here's your wardrobe.
All right! All right.
Awesome. Awesome.
All right.
- How do you feel?
- I feel kind of strange.
- You look good. You look tough.
- I do?
Like an action star.
Shoulders out. Take a good, deep breath.
Suck it in.
In this scene, you're hurting inside.
You're not sure who to trust.
You want to run into the arms
of your beloved.
- Hi, I'm Daisy.
- Hi. How are you?
When I yell "action," you are gonna run
from point "A" over there...
...to point "B" over here.
That seems kind of hard.
Think of it as an errand.
Your errand is to run across
the freeway until I yell, "Cut."
I get it. But doesn't that seem
a little dangerous?
No. We have professional stuntmen
doing the driving.
You'll be completely safe.
Professional stuntmen.
That's how they do it! I was wondering.
- Stunt drivers.
- Okay, you ready to do one?
Sure. They're going really fast!
Action!
Come on, Jiff!
Action!
Keith! I love you!
Action!
Cut!
Heavenly Father! Heavenly Father!
That was so great! You were fantastic!
Wasn't he great?
Congratulations! That was so good!
- I don't want to do this anymore.
- What?
I just want to run errands. Heavenly God!
Not many people can do what you just did.
The stunt drivers were really impressed.
- Weren't they?
- Really?
- We got an errand we want you to do.
- Really?
We want you to go to Starbucks.
Get coffee for everybody.
- I would love to go get coffee.
- You're the only one who can do it.
I want to get the coffee now.
But first, let's do this one more time.
Heavenly God!
Good work.
Mr. Bowfinger, Bob,
can I talk to you about the new scenes?
- I haven't decided yet.
- Can I talk to you about them?
- Okay.
- I mean tonight?
Okay.
I'll be right there.
Gets so tiring going out.
I thought we'd eat here.
- I know the maitre d' at the lvy.
- That's so trendy.
- Do you like Vienna sausages?
- Yeah. Do you smell burning hair?
This wine is so good. You can drink
all you want and not get drunk.
Yeah.
A big local hit in South Dakota.
What are your favorite TV shows?
- I love The Flintstones.
- I love The Flintstones too! That's so good.
- Do you like walks in the park?
- In the rain!
I want you to see The Music Man because...
- I love The Music Man.
- Isn't Robert Preston good?
He's so good.
Do you love Smashing Pumpkins?
I love to do that.
Have you ever had a shiatsu massage?
- I love you so much!
- I love you!
- I'm so alive!
- I've never been alive until now.
Never till now.
But I worry about our age difference.
- What is age? It's a state of mind.
- That's the way I feel.
Who cares if when I hit my sexual peak
you'll be 70?
I know! It's Bogey and Bacall.
Who?
I promise to never play mind games
with your head.
You are so today.
- I want to make love to you!
- I do too!
- I want you so much!
- I want you!
- But I worry.
- Our love is bigger than worry.
- I worry about the scenes.
- The scenes?
If we're gonna shoot the new scenes.
It's so hard to make love,
to give yourself to a man.
It's the woman who's entered,
the woman who's violated.
I so understand that.
To know that the man inside you
is part of you...
...and that he would not prevent
the added scenes of yours from being shot.
- We're doing the scenes.
- We are?
We're doing them 'cause...
...you're brilliant. I want you in this movie,
and this movie is your movie.
Let me just go get ready.
I love you.
I'll never use you.
I will never abuse your trust.
Thank you, Daisy.
Not at all, not at all.
Are we almost ready?
Are you seeing the fireplace?
We should light the fireplace.
Is this a good mark?
Daisy, my sweetness.
Hi, how are you?
- Hi.
- Are you okay?
- Do you want to relax first or shoot?
- Shoot.
You have such a good work ethic.
I so admire that.
Here's your mark, it's a little small.
Will you be okay...
All right, yeah.
We have a very important scene.
This is one of the hot scenes
that is about heat and...
...chemistry.
So it's the artistic portion of the film.
Right, so give her a little room,
react normally, be sensitive above all...
...because in this scene
Daisy's gonna take off her blouse.
All right. There's your mark.
The scene is, you're not sure
if you still love Keith...
...but you offer yourself to him
in order to save the planet.
Right up here. We're starting here.
Pan up. And roll sound.
- All right, let's go.
- Speed.
- Mark.
- You're not sure if you love him...
...but you want to save the planet,
and, action.
Keith, I don't know what's right anymore.
All I know is I have feelings
that make me need you.
Need you now!
Awesome!
You're doing great!
You're gonna be a star.
And, cut.
How's this, Boss?
What's going on with him?
The alien arrival scene is next
and Kit hasn't called in.
Someone must know where he is.
I know where Kit Ramsey's going
to be this afternoon.
You do?
At 4:00 he's going to be
at Max's clothing store for a photo.
Every day I get an offer on this thing.
It's the only one in L.A.
- It's a beauty.
- Not a scratch. An award-winner.
- Sold three cars to get this.
- You have a great eye for cars.
My wife tried to take it in the divorce.
That would have really hurt.
- Who got the kids?
- She did.
Wait here a minute.
- Manager in?
- No, he's home today.
That's odd. We have a permit
to shoot here today.
Weird. We'll just start loading
in the equipment.
- You want me to call him?
- No, I'll call him from the cell phone.
There's a guy in there who's vacuuming.
Tell him you're from the studio.
- Who's in charge here?
- I am.
- Do you have a permit to film here today?
- Yeah.
May I see it, please?
Can I talk to you for a second?
Did you ever think about acting?
- This is it. Roll it.
- Mark!
Action!
That time away really helped calm my ass.
Thought I was startin' to crack up.
You ever think, there are no conspiracies?
Maybe there's no aliens.
Everything's just as it seems.
Being alone, by myself, in a chamber...
That was really helpful to me.
Freddy? Where the hell... Freddy?
- Freddy!
- Hey, you!
- Kincaid!
- Freddy!
- You heard me, Kincaid!
- Freddy, don't play with me.
Nice try, Kincaid.
Don't act dumb. Where's the plutonium?
That plutonium is mine. It's registered
to be used for religious purposes.
You actually have some plutonium?
He has plutonium?
Don't play around.
Freddy's about to have his guts replaced
with alien hardware.
- Aliens?
- They told me you were dead!
And now you are dead!
Keith, whenever you kill a pod person,
another one takes its place!
- You won't take me in your spaceship!
- I love you!
Keith! Keith!
I love you!
Stay with him!
I came down because I wanted
to see them shoot you today.
Shoot me today?
My darling! Please, Keith!
Let me love you! My darling baby!
Come with me!
He's coming! Stay with him.
Keith!
He's coming in here!
Cut!
Lyle, you might have won an Emmy,
but that doesn't mean anything here.
I need to see the moment
where you realize he loves you.
He's embroidering for you.
Doesn't that affect you in your heart?
- Doesn't that make you...
- Kit Ramsey!
Over here. I got the car running.
- Freddy, show me your guts!
- What?
Show me your guts right now!
Pod people are all over the place!
Pod people?
Come on. We're gonna shoot scene 35!
Keith!
Who the hell is Keith? Open the door!
Keith!
Go, go, Freddy!
Cut!
I must say...
...I am becoming more and more
impressed with Mr. Ramsey's acting style.
I'm learning a lot from him.
- I haven't done much of anything.
- What are you talking about?
You look like Kit Ramsey. That's talent.
Not everybody could look like Kit Ramsey.
Robert DeNiro
could not look like Kit Ramsey.
He annoys me anyway.
If I go to the store to get some coffee...
...I know that I'm the one
who'll get the coffee.
I'm the one that got the coffee.
I made sure the napkin was in the bag.
I made sure there was cream,
there was sugar in the bag.
I did it. Me! You know?
It's weird for...
To get credit for lookin' like somebody.
- What is that?
- That's a gift!
I don't know how much of a gift it is.
I am his brother.
That's what's so great
about working with you guys.
Whenever someone finds out
I'm related to Kit Ramsey...
...they want me to introduce them to him,
and I can understand that.
But it feels good to have somebody
like you for you.
It's great. I feel great.
- You get along with your brother?
- Yeah.
We haven't seen him in a while.
He's been so busy.
He's crankin' them out, back-to-back.
He didn't even come home
for last Christmas.
- I'm sorry, darling.
- That's okay.
I'm here with this fantastic group of people
who accept me for who I am.
Just the poor, stupid brother of someone
who everybody loves.
So, are you from a show-business family?
We're screwed.
We luck into the brother
of the world's hottest movie star...
...but I have a conscience.
- Don't be so hard on yourself.
You hear him? He's an innocent.
He told us how much he loved us.
I just can't do it.
I gotta take the camera back.
You'll work it out.
I can't do it.
What I like is Citizen Kane.
Very good movie.
What's good is Apocalypse Now.
Godfather. Dr. Strangelove.
- Stanley Kubrick.
- A Clockwork Orange.
Mr. Bowfinger.
Mr. Bowfinger, I got something to tell you.
I have something to tell you.
Come over here.
- Can I talk first?
- All right, all right.
Being Kit Ramsey's brother...
...sometimes it has its fringe benefits.
How do you mean?
You'll never guess
who I had intercourse with in the van.
Isn't that cool?
She gave me the works.
She is the most inventive girl.
- Can I see you in my office?
- Yeah, sure. She's so strong.
She's pure power and speed. Real hot.
I got an errand for you.
Go to Starbucks,
and I want you to get some coffee.
Go to Starbucks and get some coffee.
- You're gonna need napkins for everybody.
- I got that.
Call your brother,
find out where he's going today.
Find out where Kit's going.
- Then pick up pencils from store...
- Pencils from the store.
Then sharpen the pencils.
- You got it?
- Yeah, I got it.
Coffee, napkins, stationery,
find out where my brother's going.
- Ride like the wind.
- I'm gone, man! Gone!
I want to see you.
- We are finished. We are over.
- How come?
- You had sex with Jiff.
- So?
- Never thought of it that way.
- I'll see you tonight at 8:00?
Okay.
There's someone who thinks
he should talk to you.
He says it concerns Kit Ramsey.
This is Bob, a Level Six.
He's been with us for four years.
There's something he wants to tell you.
- Jack, just taking her out for a wash.
- Okay.
We still have this one last scene,
the big ending or we don't have a movie.
- I know what else we don't have.
- What?
Permission.
Did you know Tom Cruise had no idea...
...he was in that vampire movie
till two years later?
Hello?
Hi, Jiff.
He's leaving his house at 4:45
to go to MindHead. Great work.
Now, we really need those pencils, buddy.
I will see you at the location.
We are about to shoot
the final scene in this movie.
I just talked with Kit. He is very excited.
So know your jobs. Don't screw up.
Let's go.
We have one hour to get there.
Make sure Slater has finished painting
that car! Let's go!
- Can I talk to you about the scene?
- Sure.
This is a hard scene for Kit.
He probably won't want
to get in that car with you.
He'll probably really resist
because of his character.
So you have to be very persuasive...
Because he doesn't know
he's in the movie.
I know what's going on.
I may be from Ohio, but I'm not from Ohio.
I'm not mad.
- I'm working, aren't I?
- But...
Who told you?
We're packed and loaded.
Hi, honey.
Hi, sweetie. Will you make sure
my makeup case is in the van?
Let's hit it!
Anybody want a Frostee Freeze?
I look like I want
some damn Frostee Freeze?
Holy shit!
- Reverse it!
- I got it.
Hold on!
What the hell?
It's the dead guy!
Please don't let me die!
This is awesome!
It's going down!
Right now, it's going down.
I'm so glad you're here.
- I'm Kit Ramsey!
- That's Kit Ramsey.
You know who I am, right?
Please, one at a time. I can't hear you.
I'm Number 13 on Premiere's power list.
What are you doin'?
Tough guys like you
don't get far in this world.
We've been getting pursued
by alien forces!
Aliens!
I should never have slept with the alien
life form from the star system Neon!
Shit!
My gonads! My gonads!
Keith, there's only one way out of this.
Follow me!
Kiss you? Now?
Danger really turns you on!
Get in the car.
We must get to the alien antenna
before the summer solstice!
You best hurry! I'm Keith.
That way, Carol. This way.
Bill, we're here! Put the tripod there.
All right, ready?
We gotta eat.
How we could know if we're starving?
I needed love, love so strong,
but the alien embryos had already...
Hit the lights!
Action.
Get out!
There's the alien antenna.
That's where you must go to say,
"Gotcha, suckers!"
If you don't, we will all become pod people.
Cut! Let's move the camera.
They will impregnate everyone,
including the CIA and the FBI!
Soon as you're set,
start rolling on the stairwell.
In here!
They're all aliens worshipping
their false gods.
- Come on! Come on!
- No! No!
Keep running since you're
with the one person...
I got them.
Shit!
Cut to the stairwell.
Then I realized it was you
that I loved and...
The roof is your next shot.
Bastard! Bastard!
- No, no, I'm Keith!
- Bastard!
Stop it!
Stop it!
Shit!
She was from the planet Neon!
Don't bring that shit over here!
Put that down!
Cut! Okay, outside.
Drop that shit!
We must run. We have only 40 seconds!
This is it. We only need one shot.
Only one thing can stop them now.
- Lf you say, "Gotcha, suckers!"
- What?
- Put your hands right here.
- What?
Go! Cue the pyrotechnics.
Shit!
My God! It's time!
Look into the sky and say,
"Gotcha, suckers!"
Kincaid!
Gotcha, suckers!
Come on, say it.
Come on, say it!
It seems the paranoid
are sometimes actually being followed.
This film is only for Madagascar and Iran...
...neither of which
accept American copyright law.
Terry! I'm Keith Kincaid.
I saved the world.
I saved it.
I have eight brothers, four sisters,
and no job! I'm screwed!
There's no movie!
I can't believe there's no movie!
I didn't look for work,
I thought I was working.
- I showed my breasts on film. For what?
- I'm a felon.
My friends, I have a cousin who's a lawyer.
I say we take action. We sue. Sue! Sue!
Carol, what do you think?
I think...
I think it was a beautiful lie.
It could've worked.
Boss, what you want me to do
with this stuff?
- What is it?
- It's the film.
I told him to follow Kit around
and get some random shots.
You never know. We could've used it.
The trash is outside.
- I wanna take a look at it.
- Why hurt ourselves?
We need Kit Ramsey's permission.
Why didn't someone bring that up
to me at some point?
Hold up, hold up.
Useless. A tennis-playing alien fighter.
Nice work, guys.
Thank you, Mr. Bowfinger.
We used a Pro-Mist...
...and tried to open up the aperture
to give him a rim light.
What's he doing?
I think we just got our permission.
Hey, Laker Girls.
It's not funny!
You realize all courts in the country
would consider this blackmail!
I don't know anything about blackmail.
I'm just a guy with a great film.
I need a shot of Kit saying,
"Gotcha, suckers"...
...and a couple of close-ups.
Or we'll use a shot of Kit wagging his thing
at the Laker Girls.
Which is a great ending.
Though not such a good ending for Kit.
It could sort of stop his money flow...
...and possibly make that family film
he's about to do, just...
We'll have to think about it.
We'll have to think about it, for Kit.
Now that you've had time
to think about it...
...what do you and the other fellows
here at MindFu... Head think?
Good to see you.
This way.
Not bad seats at all!
CIA operative, Todd Delmonico...
... drove his '53 Buick to meet Keith Kincaid.
Kincaid!
It had rained that day.
But was it normal rain?
Or was it Chubby Rain?
- Freddy?
- You heard me there, Kincaid.
Freddy?
Freddy's about to have his guts replaced
with alien hardware!
Gotcha, suckers!
A hit. A hit.
Hey, you guys!
I want you to meet somebody.
This is Farrah.
Farrah and I met at the premiere.
Farrah's one of the most powerful lesbians
in Hollywood.
Bravo!
I can't talk to you right now.
It's an offer to direct a movie in Taiwan
starring Kit Ramsey's brother.
Oh, my God! Are you serious?
We're goin' to Taiwan!
Jiff! Jiff!
Good to see you again, brother.
I saved the world!
I saved it!
This is Cherisse from AT&T.
We're wondering if your payment
for $5.43 has gone astray. Call us.
Just a reminder.
We no longer need access to
your residence to disconnect your phone.
Great script.
Betsy, it's now or never.
We are gonna make a movie.
- Bowfinger International Pictures.
- It's Carol.
How do I say this? I have an offer
to go to Edmonton to do Cats.
It's a small role, but I've got to take it.
- You keep promising me...
- No!
...but it's been 8 months.
- Carol, don't take that job.
We're gonna make a motion picture.
I promise you.
- But you've promised before.
- I know.
- Be here tomorrow at 10:00 a.m.
- I can't afford...
- Please!
- But you always...
This is Dave. Beep comin'.
Dave, can you get me
a Mercedes tomorrow?
I want you to find out when
and where Jerry Renfro is having lunch.
Just do it. Don't think about it.
You're my buddy.
Come on.
- Hello?
- Afrim? It's Bowfinger. Great script.
You wrote a great script.
Your accounting days are over.
He likes my script!
Afrim? Afrim?
- Be here tomorrow at 10:00 a.m.
- Yes, Boss.
- Slater.
- Who is this?
- Bowfinger.
- 'Bye.
Don't hang up. Be here tomorrow at 10:00.
- That's early.
- Big meeting, 10:00 a.m. Please?
You believe in me, don't you, Betsy?
First of all, thank you for coming.
I know things have been a little slow.
- Very slow.
- Slow and low.
Let him speak.
We are not the big guys.
We are the little guys.
We never had muscle before,
but now we do.
Because last night I read a screenplay...
...that every studio in town
is going to want.
And how did we get this screenplay?
Because Afrim here...
...is a damn fine writer,
and accountant and part-time receptionist.
I said, "Afrim, if you can write
as well as you can add..."
I didn't have to finish my sentence.
Twelve days later
he hands me this masterpiece.
Thank you, Boss.
Tell them the title.
Chubby Rain.
What?
Chubby Rain. Tell them why.
- The aliens come to Earth in raindrops.
- Yeah!
Making the raindrops chubby.
Aliens in the raindrops.
At the end of this movie...
...when our hero, Keith Kincaid,
looks up at the alien antenna and says:
"Gotcha, suckers!"
I mean, that is a moment.
I don't know.
I'll close the deal today.
If I don't, you can go anywhere you want.
Come here.
See that FedEx truck?
Every day, it delivers important papers
to people around the world.
And one day, it is going to stop here...
...a man is going to walk up and casually
toss a couple of FedExes on my desk.
And at that moment, we...
...and by "we" I mean "me,"
will be important.
Now, today...
...I have a very important meeting
with Jerry Renfro.
If it goes the way I think it's gonna go,
I will see you at the Oscars.
Good job, Dave.
Return it in 45 minutes.
I'm supposed to wash it.
Has Renfro left?
Fifteen minutes ago.
He should be at the restaurant now.
If this goes like I think,
I'm making you cameraman.
Know what that means?
- You'd be living up to your promise?
- That's right.
If this movie gets made,
I'm giving you my van.
It is my van.
Could you seat me next to Jerry Renfro?
Thank you.
Tony, how are you?
No. Say the deal back to me.
Net net?
If I'm putting $85 million
into an avalanche movie...
...I gotta know where the snow is.
And it better be Aspen.
And what asshole will direct.
We gotta get a director. Get me a list.
- The star has to be international.
- I need an international star.
- Who's my star?
- How about Kit Ramsey?
Kit Ramsey is the hottest,
sexiest action star in the world.
When I think of Kit Ramsey in this movie,
I get very comfortable.
Yeah, but I won't bid
against Flanehfastah...
...because even if Kit Ramsey's interested,
we might not want him.
Can you believe this? Now they try
to tell us who's gonna be in our movies.
Get me Kit. Get me Kit right now.
You don't put me on hold,
I put you on hold.
Put me on hold and you're a dead man.
How are you? Bobby Bowfinger,
Bowfinger Films.
- We worked on that thing years ago.
- What thing?
The... famous movie.
Hi, Kit. How are you?
My man! How's Dolores?
Good. You are first in line for the script.
- You can't be more first than first.
- Can I talk to him?
- Can I talk to Kit?
- Absolutely. Kit?
Got a surprise for you. Kit?
I'm losing you...
- Bad line?
- These cell phones are so bad.
Universal's begging me for this script.
They screwed me once.
You ought to take a look.
- It starts nice.
- It does, doesn't it?
- All this.
- Yeah. Right.
- "Gotcha, suckers!" That is a catch phrase.
- Isn't that good?
I just saw the poster.
Let's be risky today. I'm going with this.
You bring me this script and Kit Ramsey
and you got yourself a go picture, Bobby.
Okay. Thanks.
I love what you do. Here's my card.
Just keep that.
What was that?
"A go picture! A go picture!"
Do you know anyone who knows
Kit Ramsey?
Damn it! I'm the biggest black
action star in the world!
- Where's my "Hasta la vista, baby"?
- What?
If Arnold Schwarnzen-cracker
is gettin' to say lines like that...
...then I deserve equally well-written shit.
- The script has that moment.
- When?
You say, "I enjoyed meeting you, Cliff."
Then you push the guy right over the cliff.
But the audience has to know
the guy's name is Cliff, and he's on a cliff.
It's too cerebral. We're trying
to make a movie, not a film.
You're supposed to be the agent!
You better find me a line
like the time I told Tommy Lee Jones...
..."Fuck you," and blew his brains out.
You know what's happening?
Another example of the white man
taking all the best catch phrases...
...and then giving them
to Arnold or Stallone.
Exactly. And Jackie Chan and Van Damme.
They can't even speak English good.
There's covert stuff goin' on.
Some covert shit I just found out.
I'm glad you're here. Come in here.
Right now, everybody. Come here.
- What you talkin' about?
- Just for fun...
...I scanned the script to see
how many times the letter "K" appears.
The letter "K" appears
in this script 1,456 times.
That's perfectly divisible by three.
- So what're you saying?
- What am I sayin'?
"KKK" appears in this script 486 times.
- The sickness is deep.
- He's playing you.
- I've been played.
- That's really not the case here.
This is a great script.
It's not Shakespeare, but...
- What'd you just say?
- I said, "It's not Shakespeare, but..."
It's not... Did you hear what he's doing?
He's doing something.
I just can't put my finger on it.
What's he doing?
- Shakespeare, Freddy.
- Shakespeare!
- "Shake-a-spear. Spear-chucker."
- "Shake-a-spear!"
I'm a spear-chucker now.
- Call me a spear-chucker.
- It doesn't mean that!
It's my imagination?
There's no computer chip
in LaToya Jackson's brain.
She just acts like that.
Teddy Kennedy ain't 1/16 black.
- Teddy Kennedy?
- He's different to the other Kennedys.
- I got some calls to make.
- Go make some calls. Call Arnold and Sly!
And Van Damme and Jackie Chan.
Tell 'em the spear-chucker said hello!
Get my door just as fast
as you get Tom Hanks'!
- Wait. Who are you?
- Script delivery from Paramount.
- I ain't expectin' no script from Paramount.
- I mean Universal.
- Maybe so. Come on.
- Gotta have you sign.
- I ain't signing shit.
- It's all good. This script is butter.
- What?
- Butter, butter. This stuff is butter.
It's all good. It's jiggy baby.
How you know it's all good and jiggy baby?
- I was reading it on the way over.
- You read my script?
I loved this script 'cause
it's a twist on the usual.
- It's science fiction, which we know sells...
- You shut up.
I'll whip your ass.
You don't be reading my stuff.
- Get off the property!
- I just got a little excited.
I gotta get over to my MindHead meeting.
MindHead?
- MindHead?
- MindHead! You need a lift?
- I can't believe that!
- Yeah! Come on in.
- Thank you.
- What a coincidence!
- Who's your guide?
- Terry Stricter. Yours?
- Ray.
- Ray?
It's people like you
that give MindHead a bad name!
You lying sack of shit!
Read the script.
I'm really a big-time producer with clout.
Welcome to MindHead.
Welcome to MindHead.
Seems as though
you're doing much better.
- Yes. Yes.
- Your paranoia...
...is definitely under control
since you came to understand...
...Happy Premise Number One.
Happy Premise Number One:
There are no aliens.
Happy Premise Number Two.
Happy Premise Number Two:
There is no giant foot trying to squash me.
Happy Premise Number Three.
Happy Premise Number Three:
Even though I feel like I might ignite...
...I probably won't.
What do we do?
Keep it together.
Keep it together. Keep it together.
And what is it we don't do
under any circumstances?
- Oh, man!
- What is it?
I have to show it to the Laker Girls.
You cannot show it to the Laker Girls.
Keep Mr. Weenie in the pants.
Always in the pants.
I know you want to show it
to the Laker Girls...
...but you must never show it
to the Laker Girls.
What did he say?
Betsy, come here.
Sit! Come.
Sit!
Good girl! Come here. What a good girl.
- Is she amazing, or what?
- What did he say?
I'm at the meeting with Jerry Renfro,
and it's going very well.
But, I'm looking at him and I'm thinking,
I don't need him.
What I need is someone like a Kit Ramsey.
Kit Ramsey makes this a go picture.
- So, I went to see Kit at his home.
- My God.
What did he say?
- What did who say?
- What did Kit Ramsey say?
I'm meeting with Kit at his home...
By the way, he knew who I was.
I gave him the script,
and he looked through the script.
And I said, "So, what do you think?
Are you interested in doing this movie?"
Kit looked at me...
...he said...
Kit, just...
...said:
"Yes."
Kit Ramsey said yes?
Kit Ramsey is doing this movie!
- You told them we'd make this movie?
- That's right, I did.
- You have to tell them.
- Tell them what?
- We're not gonna make the movie.
- Dave, I made them a promise.
How will you make the movie
with Kit Ramsey? He said no.
You don't think I worked that out?
We'll make the movie
with Kit Ramsey, except...
- Except what?
- Except he won't know he's in it.
What?
We secretly follow him around
with a camera.
Our actors walk up to him
and say their lines.
And he's in our movie,
and we don't have to pay him.
- What's he gonna say?
- What difference does it make?
It's an action movie.
All he's gotta do is run.
He runs away from the aliens,
he runs toward the aliens.
I want to show you something.
Got this all worked out, I think.
There are six major scenes with Kit.
The ones in red.
He's not in any of the other scenes...
...so we just shoot those
with our own actors on our own time.
Bingo, we've got a movie.
That's crazy.
But we're desperate.
Why don't you wait till you get a star
who wants to be in it?
I'm 49 years old.
Admittedly, I could get away
with 44, 41, maybe 38.
But when you hit 50,
they don't hire you anymore.
It's like they can smell 50.
What's that?
When I was 10,
I knew I wanted to make movies...
...but I knew no one
was going to give me that.
So I started putting away
one dollar every week of my life.
If I missed a week, I made it up later,
from age 10 on.
And now, you're looking at enough
to get us started.
$2,184.
But movies cost millions of dollars
to make.
That's after gross net deduction
profit percentage...
...deferment ten percent of the nut.
Cash? Every movie costs $2,184.
Where do I go to be an actress?
Okay. That was nice.
We have your photos,
and we'll call you when we decide.
- I have new photos.
- No, these are good.
- You hated me, didn't you?
- No. You were very good.
She was good.
She had the personality
of a zip code in Kansas.
- She didn't have "it."
- What do you mean, "it"?
"Lt" is a special quality.
No matter what,
you cannot take your eyes off that person.
Every word they say,
every gesture you're interested in.
Do I have "it"?
I'm sorry. I wasn't listening. What?
Do I have "it"?
Yes, you do.
I thought I did.
Next. Who's next?
Is this where I go to be a star?
This is where you go to sacrifice,
learn your craft and work hard.
Does that take more than a week?
I gave myself one week.
- That's this office.
- We'll take a chance, see if you have "it."
See if you have a special quality.
See if you have the illusion
of the first time.
Where do I pay? It's $25, right?
- A check?
- I have ID.
Maybe a less solid movie company
could take a check, but we only take cash.
But I don't have any cash on me.
I have cash, but just not on me,
and the banks aren't open.
There, there, there.
There's the door.
We can't let you audition.
- But I drove in from Ohio and...
- I'm sorry.
- Well...
- I'm sorry.
There you are. Goodbye.
She looked pretty good, like she could act.
Yeah, but if they don't pay to audition,
it could be dangerous.
How?
If she gets the part.
She might want to be paid.
Maybe she had "it"!
I didn't make the system.
The system is bigger...
All right. If you want
the responsibility, fine.
I talked it over with the man.
Says he'll take a check.
- He will?
- Yes.
- He listens to you?
- Yeah.
"I could never be with you, Todd.
"I'm loyal to Keith. I'm loyal to him.
"I could never, never kiss you."
Okay, that was very good.
Let's try it one more time.
Slater, this time without the erection.
Thank you, Mr. Bowfinger! Thank you!
We gotta get a crew.
The best damn crew we can afford.
ndale, muchachos!
In here. In here.
Come on. In here.
Welcome to America.
I'm so happy to meet you.
This is gonna be great.
I can tell you know what you're doing...
Thanks for making the trip.
Glad to have you aboard.
Guess what? We just closed Kit's deal.
Typical deal. Points. Name over the title.
- We get only one take with Kit.
- One take?
- He doesn't want to see the camera.
- How come?
It's his way of working.
He's so into his character, that if he sees
the camera, it breaks his concentration.
- When do we start?
- We start tomorrow at 7:00 a.m.
What is it?
I wish you could see what I see.
What do you see, Boss?
The most promising group of young
professionals I've ever worked with.
- Hey, Cliff.
- 'Morning, Dave.
- Good camera.
- Yeah.
It goes back each night or it's a felony.
- Years you'd get.
- You'd get. Daisy, come on.
What if Daisy said, "It's a tough world"
instead of "rough world"?
That's good. Got that briefcase?
She'd bring his briefcase
if she was worried?
The briefcase is a metaphor
for the relationship.
Shouldn't I be in this scene?
I could be lurking behind a bush.
Okay, this is it. Places, everyone.
Roll! Speed! Marker!
Remember, don't let him see the camera.
Action.
Come on, Daisy, go.
Back to Daisy.
Keith, you forgot your briefcase!
Keith, you forgot... You're upset!
One slip-up in your tough,
crime-filled world and you could die.
Keith! Keith!
- Your name Keith?
- No, I'm Jimmy.
But thanks for asking.
And, cut!
We got our first shot.
Here it comes.
Come on. Work, baby, work.
Keith, you forgot your briefcase.
You forgot... You're upset.
One slip-up in your tough,
crime-filled world and you could die.
It worked. It looked like Daisy
came out of the house.
This movie's gonna work!
- Dave, did you wash my car?
- Workin' on it.
One scene down.
- Yeah?
- Bowfinger, here's what I got.
Kit and his agent will be
at the Rodeo Grille tomorrow at 12:45 p.m.
Are we gonna be there?
Better believe it. You're a genius.
Can you see over there?
- What do you see? Can you see Kit?
- Yeah.
Am I trying for you or not trying?
You're trying,
but I want at least the same...
I know I ain't gonna be treated like
Mighty Whitey in this town.
I put in 25 years in the theater
before coming to Hollywood.
We're almost ready.
I still don't see why I can't meet the man
I'm going to be working with.
He wants to impress you with his acting,
and he needs his total concentration.
- That's just young!
- I know.
I wish once I could work with someone
who had honed their craft.
- But right now we need that scene.
- You'll get your scene.
He may not be a professional, but I am.
Carol.
White boys get all the Oscars. It's a fact.
- We know that, but...
- Did I get a nomination?
No. 'Cause I ain't played none
of them slave roles.
That's when you get nominated.
Black dude plays a slave role,
gets nominated.
White boy plays an idiot, gets the Oscar.
Find me a script as a retarded slave,
then I get the Oscar.
I'm gonna schmooze. I'll be right back.
Go find that script.
Buck, the Wonder Slave.
Here we go.
Sound.
Lights!
Roll it.
When you left Phoenix, it wasn't
because you wanted to raise soybeans.
You had to get away. Why?
Was it because you wanted me
and it burned inside of you?
- I beg your pardon?
- Come back to Phoenix.
Stop this madness. Let me in on whatever
mission this is that you're doing.
- Do you know who I am?
- Of course.
You're Keith Kincaid.
You've come down from Wyoming...
...with your damn UFOs.
You bastard! Bastard!
- Because you prefer alien love!
- Alien love?
- Why did you say "alien love"?
- I must get my umbrella.
You triggered the voices.
Freddy!
Take me to Terry Stricter! Now!
We got it.
Strange people are coming
to me on the street...
...and they're speaking in Jupiterian
or Venutian or something.
Strangers come up to you,
and you don't understand them.
- What is that?
- Maybe they're fans.
- Crazy fans.
- They speak to me...
...only they speak in a secret
white language that I can't decode.
It's horrifying!
What do these crazy people
who speak to you and make no sense say?
They talk about things I never heard of,
about people I don't know.
Somebody named Keith.
And aliens, sex and umbrellas.
I see.
Kit?
Do you think you can keep it together?
Yes, I can keep it together.
I'm K-l-T, Kit. I'm keeping it together now.
Keep it together. I'm keeping it together.
- Don't I look together?
- Have you heard any more voices?
No.
Every now and then I hear a voice.
I haven't heard voices.
What did this one voice say?
"As I stand here before you today...
"...the Laker Girls' cheerleading squad...
"...needs to be taken down a peg or two."
You know, last night was really special.
It was. I've never done it
lying down before.
- You know, next time...
- Yeah?
Next time, I think I'd like to do it
with just two condoms.
If I was in the movie more, yeah.
If I was in the movie more,
we'd be equals, and I'd trust you more.
- We have lots of scenes together.
- I love our scenes.
Our scenes are the best,
but I should have more scenes with Kit.
If I had more scenes with Kit,
then that would really pump up our scenes.
Afrim would be in charge of that.
He's the screenwriter.
- So the writer's in charge of that?
- Yeah.
- Boss, I've got those pages.
- What pages?
The new pages.
I think if Daisy had more scenes with Kit...
...it would pump up the scenes with Slater.
So I wrote more scenes for Daisy and Kit,
some hot scenes...
...where there's heat and chemistry.
- I don't think we need...
- I think you will see...
...these new hot scenes, the ones
in which Daisy exposes her breasts...
...will increase sales in Thailand.
Daisy agreed to this?
That is the case,
although I haven't talked to her.
- Baby.
- Hi.
Hello.
"A vixen in stretch pants.
"What man wouldn't want a hot virgin?"
You'll do this?
If I have to. If it's for the movie,
and you really want me to.
If it's artistic and says something
about reality...
If it's in character and for the scene...
Right, right.
Bowfinger International Pictures.
How may I direct your call? What?
I tracked Kit to MindHead.
He could be coming down any time.
All right, all right.
Kit feels he's ready to shoot
the parking lot scene.
I just love the way this guy works.
Keep it together. Keep it together.
Keep it together.
And, cut!
- Did you get that?
- Nice.
- What'd you see?
- Fear. Mostly fear.
- Some insane looks.
- You saw insane looks?
Betsy, you were such a good girl.
Let's get Carol out of her trailer,
shoot the other side of this masterpiece.
- He's brilliant.
- He is.
His fear is so real.
It's like it's actually happening.
- We work really well together.
- That's what he was saying.
Bastard!
Darling.
Darling, I respect Kit's way of working.
The no rehearsal, no contact off screen.
But it's so traditional to actually meet
the person you're working with.
No, you should not meet Kit because
we're not doing anything traditional here.
We're working in a new style.
We're working in cinema nouveau.
Cinema nouveau.
It felt so good today to quit my job.
I told them, "I'm a screenwriter now."
They said,
"You have eight brothers and four sisters.
"How will you earn your money?"
I said, "This is more important.
"Bowfinger has given me a chance,
and I'm going to take it."
You are a great writer. You really are.
I love my new scenes. They're so great.
Are they going in?
- That's up to Bowfinger.
- It is?
That's sharp. Do the thing.
I'm gonna look good in that. That's bad.
Send it up to the house for me.
The store would be happy to offer you
these clothes without charge...
...if you'd come back Friday,
let us take a picture...
...for LA Style of you wearing the clothes.
I can do that. It'll cost you $1,000.
I'll be here Friday, 4:00.
- I'm sure that could be arranged.
- Hundred-dollar bills.
Right.
I know I shouldn't do this,
I just want you to know...
...that you were so real
in your response to the aliens.
I wasn't even sure
I could be a pod person...
...but now I'm enjoying it
because you made the aliens come alive.
It was like they were living inside of me.
At first I was nervous
about us having sex...
...but now I think it's fine as long
as we do it in a professional manner.
There'll be a lot of people watching.
I won't bother you anymore.
He's in the grotto.
What did this alien want from you?
She wanted to inhale my gonads!
- Say again?
- My gonads!
They come down, pretend they're shaking
your hands, but they're not.
They inhale your gonads
for special research.
I got rid of the Sports Channel.
No more gamma beams from Jupiter
messing with my mind.
Keep it together.
Kit, maybe you should stay
with us for a few days...
...in our special celebrity relaxing quarters.
- You think I need that?
- I do.
Go get my checkbook.
Keep it together.
- Can't find Kit.
- What do you mean you can't find Kit?
He's one of the most famous faces
in the world. You can find him.
No. We staked out his house,
MindHead, everywhere.
- He's vanished, gone.
- Where is the guy?
We can't shoot movie without our star.
Actors have no work ethic these days.
They keep his movements secret.
They control him.
A lot of guys must look like Kit.
We'll get a look-alike for the long shots.
We'll shoot him from behind
and not show his face.
Kit showed his ass
in eight of his ten films...
...eight of his ten films were hits,
so we need a guy with a fabulous ass...
...and mine is the wrong color.
Then I studied at the Moscow Arts Theater
for two years...
...and did a year at the National in London.
I'm currently doing a midnight production
of Waiting for Godot here in L.A.
And are you in the union?
Yes, I am.
Currently, I'm packing fries
at the Burger King on Douglas.
- Do you have experience in film?
- Quite a bit, actually.
Quite a bit of experience.
I'm an active renter at Blockbuster...
...and I attend the Film du Cinema...
...as much as possible.
Weekly, biweekly, inter-weekly,
intermediately.
Would you be willing to cut your hair?
Yes, but it's usually better
if someone else does it.
I've had a few accidents.
- Can you see without your glasses?
- Yeah. I can see.
I don't really see well, but I can see.
- Do you have contacts?
- I have contact lenses.
I can wear contact lenses. That'd help.
- Can I put my glasses back on?
- Sure, put them back on.
I'm getting a little headache.
Would you be willing to show
your naked rear end in a movie?
Yeah, I guess so.
- This is hard.
- Just one more question.
In addition to being a star in this film,
would you also be willing to run errands?
I'm really hoping
to get a career running errands.
That'd be a major boost for me.
- What did you say your name was?
- Jiffrenson.
- Jiffrenson?
- Jiff. My friends call me Jiff.
Jiff, welcome aboard.
Here's your wardrobe.
All right! All right.
Awesome. Awesome.
All right.
- How do you feel?
- I feel kind of strange.
- You look good. You look tough.
- I do?
Like an action star.
Shoulders out. Take a good, deep breath.
Suck it in.
In this scene, you're hurting inside.
You're not sure who to trust.
You want to run into the arms
of your beloved.
- Hi, I'm Daisy.
- Hi. How are you?
When I yell "action," you are gonna run
from point "A" over there...
...to point "B" over here.
That seems kind of hard.
Think of it as an errand.
Your errand is to run across
the freeway until I yell, "Cut."
I get it. But doesn't that seem
a little dangerous?
No. We have professional stuntmen
doing the driving.
You'll be completely safe.
Professional stuntmen.
That's how they do it! I was wondering.
- Stunt drivers.
- Okay, you ready to do one?
Sure. They're going really fast!
Action!
Come on, Jiff!
Action!
Keith! I love you!
Action!
Cut!
Heavenly Father! Heavenly Father!
That was so great! You were fantastic!
Wasn't he great?
Congratulations! That was so good!
- I don't want to do this anymore.
- What?
I just want to run errands. Heavenly God!
Not many people can do what you just did.
The stunt drivers were really impressed.
- Weren't they?
- Really?
- We got an errand we want you to do.
- Really?
We want you to go to Starbucks.
Get coffee for everybody.
- I would love to go get coffee.
- You're the only one who can do it.
I want to get the coffee now.
But first, let's do this one more time.
Heavenly God!
Good work.
Mr. Bowfinger, Bob,
can I talk to you about the new scenes?
- I haven't decided yet.
- Can I talk to you about them?
- Okay.
- I mean tonight?
Okay.
I'll be right there.
Gets so tiring going out.
I thought we'd eat here.
- I know the maitre d' at the lvy.
- That's so trendy.
- Do you like Vienna sausages?
- Yeah. Do you smell burning hair?
This wine is so good. You can drink
all you want and not get drunk.
Yeah.
A big local hit in South Dakota.
What are your favorite TV shows?
- I love The Flintstones.
- I love The Flintstones too! That's so good.
- Do you like walks in the park?
- In the rain!
I want you to see The Music Man because...
- I love The Music Man.
- Isn't Robert Preston good?
He's so good.
Do you love Smashing Pumpkins?
I love to do that.
Have you ever had a shiatsu massage?
- I love you so much!
- I love you!
- I'm so alive!
- I've never been alive until now.
Never till now.
But I worry about our age difference.
- What is age? It's a state of mind.
- That's the way I feel.
Who cares if when I hit my sexual peak
you'll be 70?
I know! It's Bogey and Bacall.
Who?
I promise to never play mind games
with your head.
You are so today.
- I want to make love to you!
- I do too!
- I want you so much!
- I want you!
- But I worry.
- Our love is bigger than worry.
- I worry about the scenes.
- The scenes?
If we're gonna shoot the new scenes.
It's so hard to make love,
to give yourself to a man.
It's the woman who's entered,
the woman who's violated.
I so understand that.
To know that the man inside you
is part of you...
...and that he would not prevent
the added scenes of yours from being shot.
- We're doing the scenes.
- We are?
We're doing them 'cause...
...you're brilliant. I want you in this movie,
and this movie is your movie.
Let me just go get ready.
I love you.
I'll never use you.
I will never abuse your trust.
Thank you, Daisy.
Not at all, not at all.
Are we almost ready?
Are you seeing the fireplace?
We should light the fireplace.
Is this a good mark?
Daisy, my sweetness.
Hi, how are you?
- Hi.
- Are you okay?
- Do you want to relax first or shoot?
- Shoot.
You have such a good work ethic.
I so admire that.
Here's your mark, it's a little small.
Will you be okay...
All right, yeah.
We have a very important scene.
This is one of the hot scenes
that is about heat and...
...chemistry.
So it's the artistic portion of the film.
Right, so give her a little room,
react normally, be sensitive above all...
...because in this scene
Daisy's gonna take off her blouse.
All right. There's your mark.
The scene is, you're not sure
if you still love Keith...
...but you offer yourself to him
in order to save the planet.
Right up here. We're starting here.
Pan up. And roll sound.
- All right, let's go.
- Speed.
- Mark.
- You're not sure if you love him...
...but you want to save the planet,
and, action.
Keith, I don't know what's right anymore.
All I know is I have feelings
that make me need you.
Need you now!
Awesome!
You're doing great!
You're gonna be a star.
And, cut.
How's this, Boss?
What's going on with him?
The alien arrival scene is next
and Kit hasn't called in.
Someone must know where he is.
I know where Kit Ramsey's going
to be this afternoon.
You do?
At 4:00 he's going to be
at Max's clothing store for a photo.
Every day I get an offer on this thing.
It's the only one in L.A.
- It's a beauty.
- Not a scratch. An award-winner.
- Sold three cars to get this.
- You have a great eye for cars.
My wife tried to take it in the divorce.
That would have really hurt.
- Who got the kids?
- She did.
Wait here a minute.
- Manager in?
- No, he's home today.
That's odd. We have a permit
to shoot here today.
Weird. We'll just start loading
in the equipment.
- You want me to call him?
- No, I'll call him from the cell phone.
There's a guy in there who's vacuuming.
Tell him you're from the studio.
- Who's in charge here?
- I am.
- Do you have a permit to film here today?
- Yeah.
May I see it, please?
Can I talk to you for a second?
Did you ever think about acting?
- This is it. Roll it.
- Mark!
Action!
That time away really helped calm my ass.
Thought I was startin' to crack up.
You ever think, there are no conspiracies?
Maybe there's no aliens.
Everything's just as it seems.
Being alone, by myself, in a chamber...
That was really helpful to me.
Freddy? Where the hell... Freddy?
- Freddy!
- Hey, you!
- Kincaid!
- Freddy!
- You heard me, Kincaid!
- Freddy, don't play with me.
Nice try, Kincaid.
Don't act dumb. Where's the plutonium?
That plutonium is mine. It's registered
to be used for religious purposes.
You actually have some plutonium?
He has plutonium?
Don't play around.
Freddy's about to have his guts replaced
with alien hardware.
- Aliens?
- They told me you were dead!
And now you are dead!
Keith, whenever you kill a pod person,
another one takes its place!
- You won't take me in your spaceship!
- I love you!
Keith! Keith!
I love you!
Stay with him!
I came down because I wanted
to see them shoot you today.
Shoot me today?
My darling! Please, Keith!
Let me love you! My darling baby!
Come with me!
He's coming! Stay with him.
Keith!
He's coming in here!
Cut!
Lyle, you might have won an Emmy,
but that doesn't mean anything here.
I need to see the moment
where you realize he loves you.
He's embroidering for you.
Doesn't that affect you in your heart?
- Doesn't that make you...
- Kit Ramsey!
Over here. I got the car running.
- Freddy, show me your guts!
- What?
Show me your guts right now!
Pod people are all over the place!
Pod people?
Come on. We're gonna shoot scene 35!
Keith!
Who the hell is Keith? Open the door!
Keith!
Go, go, Freddy!
Cut!
I must say...
...I am becoming more and more
impressed with Mr. Ramsey's acting style.
I'm learning a lot from him.
- I haven't done much of anything.
- What are you talking about?
You look like Kit Ramsey. That's talent.
Not everybody could look like Kit Ramsey.
Robert DeNiro
could not look like Kit Ramsey.
He annoys me anyway.
If I go to the store to get some coffee...
...I know that I'm the one
who'll get the coffee.
I'm the one that got the coffee.
I made sure the napkin was in the bag.
I made sure there was cream,
there was sugar in the bag.
I did it. Me! You know?
It's weird for...
To get credit for lookin' like somebody.
- What is that?
- That's a gift!
I don't know how much of a gift it is.
I am his brother.
That's what's so great
about working with you guys.
Whenever someone finds out
I'm related to Kit Ramsey...
...they want me to introduce them to him,
and I can understand that.
But it feels good to have somebody
like you for you.
It's great. I feel great.
- You get along with your brother?
- Yeah.
We haven't seen him in a while.
He's been so busy.
He's crankin' them out, back-to-back.
He didn't even come home
for last Christmas.
- I'm sorry, darling.
- That's okay.
I'm here with this fantastic group of people
who accept me for who I am.
Just the poor, stupid brother of someone
who everybody loves.
So, are you from a show-business family?
We're screwed.
We luck into the brother
of the world's hottest movie star...
...but I have a conscience.
- Don't be so hard on yourself.
You hear him? He's an innocent.
He told us how much he loved us.
I just can't do it.
I gotta take the camera back.
You'll work it out.
I can't do it.
What I like is Citizen Kane.
Very good movie.
What's good is Apocalypse Now.
Godfather. Dr. Strangelove.
- Stanley Kubrick.
- A Clockwork Orange.
Mr. Bowfinger.
Mr. Bowfinger, I got something to tell you.
I have something to tell you.
Come over here.
- Can I talk first?
- All right, all right.
Being Kit Ramsey's brother...
...sometimes it has its fringe benefits.
How do you mean?
You'll never guess
who I had intercourse with in the van.
Isn't that cool?
She gave me the works.
She is the most inventive girl.
- Can I see you in my office?
- Yeah, sure. She's so strong.
She's pure power and speed. Real hot.
I got an errand for you.
Go to Starbucks,
and I want you to get some coffee.
Go to Starbucks and get some coffee.
- You're gonna need napkins for everybody.
- I got that.
Call your brother,
find out where he's going today.
Find out where Kit's going.
- Then pick up pencils from store...
- Pencils from the store.
Then sharpen the pencils.
- You got it?
- Yeah, I got it.
Coffee, napkins, stationery,
find out where my brother's going.
- Ride like the wind.
- I'm gone, man! Gone!
I want to see you.
- We are finished. We are over.
- How come?
- You had sex with Jiff.
- So?
- Never thought of it that way.
- I'll see you tonight at 8:00?
Okay.
There's someone who thinks
he should talk to you.
He says it concerns Kit Ramsey.
This is Bob, a Level Six.
He's been with us for four years.
There's something he wants to tell you.
- Jack, just taking her out for a wash.
- Okay.
We still have this one last scene,
the big ending or we don't have a movie.
- I know what else we don't have.
- What?
Permission.
Did you know Tom Cruise had no idea...
...he was in that vampire movie
till two years later?
Hello?
Hi, Jiff.
He's leaving his house at 4:45
to go to MindHead. Great work.
Now, we really need those pencils, buddy.
I will see you at the location.
We are about to shoot
the final scene in this movie.
I just talked with Kit. He is very excited.
So know your jobs. Don't screw up.
Let's go.
We have one hour to get there.
Make sure Slater has finished painting
that car! Let's go!
- Can I talk to you about the scene?
- Sure.
This is a hard scene for Kit.
He probably won't want
to get in that car with you.
He'll probably really resist
because of his character.
So you have to be very persuasive...
Because he doesn't know
he's in the movie.
I know what's going on.
I may be from Ohio, but I'm not from Ohio.
I'm not mad.
- I'm working, aren't I?
- But...
Who told you?
We're packed and loaded.
Hi, honey.
Hi, sweetie. Will you make sure
my makeup case is in the van?
Let's hit it!
Anybody want a Frostee Freeze?
I look like I want
some damn Frostee Freeze?
Holy shit!
- Reverse it!
- I got it.
Hold on!
What the hell?
It's the dead guy!
Please don't let me die!
This is awesome!
It's going down!
Right now, it's going down.
I'm so glad you're here.
- I'm Kit Ramsey!
- That's Kit Ramsey.
You know who I am, right?
Please, one at a time. I can't hear you.
I'm Number 13 on Premiere's power list.
What are you doin'?
Tough guys like you
don't get far in this world.
We've been getting pursued
by alien forces!
Aliens!
I should never have slept with the alien
life form from the star system Neon!
Shit!
My gonads! My gonads!
Keith, there's only one way out of this.
Follow me!
Kiss you? Now?
Danger really turns you on!
Get in the car.
We must get to the alien antenna
before the summer solstice!
You best hurry! I'm Keith.
That way, Carol. This way.
Bill, we're here! Put the tripod there.
All right, ready?
We gotta eat.
How we could know if we're starving?
I needed love, love so strong,
but the alien embryos had already...
Hit the lights!
Action.
Get out!
There's the alien antenna.
That's where you must go to say,
"Gotcha, suckers!"
If you don't, we will all become pod people.
Cut! Let's move the camera.
They will impregnate everyone,
including the CIA and the FBI!
Soon as you're set,
start rolling on the stairwell.
In here!
They're all aliens worshipping
their false gods.
- Come on! Come on!
- No! No!
Keep running since you're
with the one person...
I got them.
Shit!
Cut to the stairwell.
Then I realized it was you
that I loved and...
The roof is your next shot.
Bastard! Bastard!
- No, no, I'm Keith!
- Bastard!
Stop it!
Stop it!
Shit!
She was from the planet Neon!
Don't bring that shit over here!
Put that down!
Cut! Okay, outside.
Drop that shit!
We must run. We have only 40 seconds!
This is it. We only need one shot.
Only one thing can stop them now.
- Lf you say, "Gotcha, suckers!"
- What?
- Put your hands right here.
- What?
Go! Cue the pyrotechnics.
Shit!
My God! It's time!
Look into the sky and say,
"Gotcha, suckers!"
Kincaid!
Gotcha, suckers!
Come on, say it.
Come on, say it!
It seems the paranoid
are sometimes actually being followed.
This film is only for Madagascar and Iran...
...neither of which
accept American copyright law.
Terry! I'm Keith Kincaid.
I saved the world.
I saved it.
I have eight brothers, four sisters,
and no job! I'm screwed!
There's no movie!
I can't believe there's no movie!
I didn't look for work,
I thought I was working.
- I showed my breasts on film. For what?
- I'm a felon.
My friends, I have a cousin who's a lawyer.
I say we take action. We sue. Sue! Sue!
Carol, what do you think?
I think...
I think it was a beautiful lie.
It could've worked.
Boss, what you want me to do
with this stuff?
- What is it?
- It's the film.
I told him to follow Kit around
and get some random shots.
You never know. We could've used it.
The trash is outside.
- I wanna take a look at it.
- Why hurt ourselves?
We need Kit Ramsey's permission.
Why didn't someone bring that up
to me at some point?
Hold up, hold up.
Useless. A tennis-playing alien fighter.
Nice work, guys.
Thank you, Mr. Bowfinger.
We used a Pro-Mist...
...and tried to open up the aperture
to give him a rim light.
What's he doing?
I think we just got our permission.
Hey, Laker Girls.
It's not funny!
You realize all courts in the country
would consider this blackmail!
I don't know anything about blackmail.
I'm just a guy with a great film.
I need a shot of Kit saying,
"Gotcha, suckers"...
...and a couple of close-ups.
Or we'll use a shot of Kit wagging his thing
at the Laker Girls.
Which is a great ending.
Though not such a good ending for Kit.
It could sort of stop his money flow...
...and possibly make that family film
he's about to do, just...
We'll have to think about it.
We'll have to think about it, for Kit.
Now that you've had time
to think about it...
...what do you and the other fellows
here at MindFu... Head think?
Good to see you.
This way.
Not bad seats at all!
CIA operative, Todd Delmonico...
... drove his '53 Buick to meet Keith Kincaid.
Kincaid!
It had rained that day.
But was it normal rain?
Or was it Chubby Rain?
- Freddy?
- You heard me there, Kincaid.
Freddy?
Freddy's about to have his guts replaced
with alien hardware!
Gotcha, suckers!
A hit. A hit.
Hey, you guys!
I want you to meet somebody.
This is Farrah.
Farrah and I met at the premiere.
Farrah's one of the most powerful lesbians
in Hollywood.
Bravo!
I can't talk to you right now.
It's an offer to direct a movie in Taiwan
starring Kit Ramsey's brother.
Oh, my God! Are you serious?
We're goin' to Taiwan!
Jiff! Jiff!
Good to see you again, brother.
I saved the world!
I saved it!