Carnage (2011) Movie Script
CARNAGE
CARNAGE
Based on the play "God of Carnage"
By Yasmina Reza
[Penelope] January 11th, at 2:30 PM.
You'll do your statement separately, this one is ours.
...following a verbal dispute in Brooklyn Bridge Park...
Zachary Cowan, age 11, and armed with a stick
struck our son, Ethan Longstreet, in the face.
In addition ot the swelling and bruising
of Ethan's upper lip
this act also resulted in two broken incisors
including nerve damage to the right incisor
"Armed"?
Armed. You don't like armed?
Michael, what could we say?
Carrying? Holding? Carring a stick?
- "Carrying", yeah.
- "Carrying a stick".
"Carrying"...
It's ironic, we always thought the
Brooklyn Bridge Park was so safe
- Compared to Hillside.
- Ture. We always said, Brooklyn Bridge Park,
fine. Hillside, no way.
Just goes to show you.
Hey, thank you so much for coming!
It's so much better than getting caught
up in that adversarial mindset.
- Well we thank you, really.
- There's no reason we have to thank each other.
Luckily, some of us still have a sense of community, right?
Though the kids haven't got that notion straight yet.
- I mean our kid.
- Right, our kid.
Those tulips are gorgeous.
Oh it's the little florist on Henry,
you know, all the way up?
Oh right!
They fly the bulbs in straight from Holland,
- That a fact?
- Yeah.
- Do you know the one? All the way up.
- Right, right.
What about the tooth with the damaged nerve?
Oh. Well they don't know.
There's still some question about the prognosis.
- Apparently, the nerve is not completely exposed.
- Only part of it is exposed.
Right. There's a part that's exposed
and a part that's still protected.
- So now, they're not going to devitalize it.
- They want to give the tooth a chance.
We would so like to avoid root canal.
- Of course.
- So there's an observation period while they give the nerve a chance to heal.
- Meantime, he's going to need caps.
- You can't have implants until you're eighteen anyway.
You can't.
So they only do implants once they are done growing.
Naturally. Well we hope it all turns out all right.
We can only hope.
Listen Kate he didnt want tell Zachary.
No, he didn't want to tell.
Almost incredible to see this child
with no face left, no teeth...
- And he just wouldn't talk.
- I can just imagine.
Well He didn't want to tell on the kid.
Like his friends would say he was a snitch.
I mean let's be honest, Penelope,
it wasn't only a sense of honor.
Well You could say that. But honor
requires a social context...
So how did you finally get Zachary's name?
Well because we explained to Ethan that
protecting this child was not going to help him.
We told him, if this kid thinks he can go on hitting
people and getting away with it, why should he stop?
We told him that if we were that child's parents,
we would absolutely want to know about this.
- Of course.
- Yeah. [phone vibrates] Excuse me one second.
Yes Walter, thanks for getting back to me.
So it's in this morning's Journal. I'll read it to you.
"According to a study published by British journal Lancet..."
"two Australian researchers have identified..."
"...neurological side effects of TW Pharma's
anti-hypertension medication Antril..."
"including impaired hearing and ataxia."
Who the hell does your press monitoring over there?
Yeah, you're in deep shit.
No, my problem is the A.S.M.
You have an Annual Stockholders Meeting in two weeks.
Did you schedule a contingency for litigation?
Walter, Walter. Talk to PR and find out
If it was picked up somewhere else and call me back.
Sorry.
- So you're like a...
- An attorney.
- And yourself?
- Houseware supply.
Penelope is a writer.
She works part time in a bookstore,
mostly art books and history books.
A writer!
I co-wrote a volume about Sabean civilization.
Working from artifacts recovered when they
resumed digs after the Ethiopia-Eritrea conflict.
And now I have a book coming out in January
about the Darfur tragedy.
So you specialize in Africa.
I'm interested in that part of the world, yes.
- Do you have any other children?
- There's Courtney, she is nine.
She's very angry at her father right now.
He got rid of the hamster last night.
- You got rid of the hamster?
- Yeah.
Made such a racket at night.
Those things sleep during the day.
Ethan was going crazy, he couldn't stand
the racket that hamster made.
I don't mind telling you, I've been wanting to
get rid of the thing for the longest time.
So I thought, that's it. I took it out and
left it on the street.
- You left it on the street?
- I figured it was a gutter-sewer kind of animal.
But it was scared out of its wits,
out there, on that sidewalk.
Truth is, they're not pets and they're not wild.
Drop them in the middle of the forrest they're still
unhappy. I mean where are you supposed to put them?
- You just left him outside?
- Yeah, he did.
And then he tried to convince Courtney
that the hamster ran away.
Which, of course, she was not buying.
- And this morning the hamster was gone?
- Gone.
- And what about you? What do you do for a living?
- I'm an investment broker.
Let me... I'll just gonna ask this directly.
Could Zachary apologize to Ethan?
Sure. It would be good if they talked.
He's got to apologize, Alan.
He has to actually say he's sorry.
- Yeah, probably.
- Well, is he sorry?
He didn't realize how serious it was.
He's eleven years old.
- Eleven is not a baby.
- It's not an adult either.
We didn't ask you, you want some coffee or tea?
Is there any cobbler left, Penny?
She makes a mean cobbler!
- You got espresso?
- We do!
- I wouldn't mind a cup.
- A glass of water.
Yeah. Espresso for me too, babe. And bring
the cobbler. Come on, come on.
Please, please have a seat.
Here, here
Thank you.
You got to taste this cobbler.
Where's the cobbler?
She put the cobbler in the fridge again.
I don't know what language I should speak to her in.
- Nice couple.
- Very.
They're nice, right?
- You tell everybody I'm a writer?
- You are a writer. You wrote a book.
Good cobbler is not easy to make.
- What do you sell?
- Decorative hardware...
Door locks, handles, copper fittings...
And kitchen equipment, pots and pans...
Is that a good living?
You know, it's not like we had any banner
years or anything. It was tough starting out.
But long as I'm out there every morning,
with my catalog and my sample case, it's a living.
Although the cast iron roasting pans do
pick up around the holidays.
When you saw the hamster was terrified,
why didn't you bring it home?
- Cause I don't touch them.
- You put it on the sidewalk.
It was in the cage. I flipped it over.
No way I'm touching those things.
- Sugar?
- No, no sugar.
- What kind of cobbler you make?
- Appler and pear.
- Apple and pear?
- Yeah, it's a little recipe of mine.
- Apple and pear, that's new to me.
- Apple and pear is a classic.
Apple and pear is a classic.
- There's a trick to it.
- Really?
You have to cut the pear thicker than the apple,
because they cook faster.
- Oh, right!
- She's not telling you the real secret.
- Let them taste it.
- Very good, very good.
- Delicious!
- Gingerbread crumbs!
Oh my god!
It's just a souped-up recipe,
his mother gave me this idea.
Gingerbread, fantastic!
At least we get a new recipe out of this, right?
I wish my son didn't have to lose two teeth in the process.
Right, that's what I meant.
- You have a novel way of expressing it.
- No. I... Excuse me.
Yeah, Walter.
No. No letters to the editor.
You'll just fan the flames.
Was it scheduled? Yeah...
What are these disorders? What's ataxia?
And in normal doses?
How long have you known this?
And in all that time you haven't recalled it?
What are we talking about in revenues?
Oh, oh, I see.
- Alan! We're all waiting for you.
- Yeah, right. One second.
Dennis?
They've known about the risks for two and a half years.
An internal report, but no undesirable side-effects
are firmly established.
No precautionary measures and they don't
schedule a reserve. Nothing in the annual report.
Lack of balance, jerky gait, the works.
Basically, you look like you're drunk.
Roughly half a billion in revenues.
You there?
Deny.
That dumbshit wanted us to write a letter to the editor.
No way we're writing a letter.
On the other hand, if we see this is getting
picked up, we could do a press release.
Like somebody's spreading false rumors
two weeks out from the A.S.M. kind of thing.
He's calling me back.
OK.
I've been so busy, I hardly had time for lunch.
Help yourself, help yourself.
Go on.
I know I have no manners. Where were we?
We were saying it would be so much nicher
if me meet some other way.
- So this cobbler, your mother, huh?
- His mother.
It's my mother's recipe but Pen made it.
- Your mother doesn't use apples and pears.
- No.
- She's about to have an operation, poor thing.
- Really? What for?
Her knee.
She's going to get a polythylene and metallic prostheses.
She's wondering what's going to be left
of it after the cremation.
Michael, that's mean.
She doesn't want to be buried with my father.
She wants to be cremated,
And put upstate next to her mother,
who's all alone.
A couple of urns jabbering away on the
shores of Lake Sebago. [Laugh]
We're very touched by how generous you're being.
We realize how you're trying to smooth things
out here instead of making them worse.
- Please, it's the least we could do.
- Yeah.
No, come on. So many parents just take their
kid's side, acting like children themselves.
If Ethan had broken two of Zachary's teeth, I'm
thinking Alan and I might have had more of a knee-jerk reaction.
- I'm not sure we would see the big picture.
- Sure you would.
She's right. I'm not so sure.
You would. Because we all know it could have
happened the other way around.
So what does Zachary say?
How is he experiencing this?
He doesn't talk much. A little overwhelmed I guess.
But he realizes that he disfigured his schoolmate?
No. No, he doesn't realize that he disfigured
his schoolmate.
Why do you say that?
Of course Zachary realizes.
He realizes that this violent behavior is unacceptable,
not that he disfigured his schoolmate.
You don't like the word but unfortunately
the word is appropriate.
My son did not disfigure your son.
Your son disfigured our son!
Come back after school, look at his mouth and teeth.
- Momentarily disfigured.
- His mouth will be fine when the swelling goes down.
As for the teeth, if he needs it, we'd be willing
to chip in for the best dental care...
We got insurance for that.
What we want is for the boys to patch it up,
make sure nothing like this ever happens again.
- Let's set up a meeting.
- Yeah. Exactly.
- Should we be there?
- They don't need coaching. Let them work it out like men.
Like men? Alan, don't be rediculous.
On the other hand,
maybe we don't need to be there.
Maybe it's better if we weren't there, right?
The issue is not whether we are there,
whether we are not there.
The issue is, do they want to talk about this,
do they want to work this out.
- Ethan does.
- Does Zachary?
- We won't give him a choice.
- It has to come from him.
Zachary acts like a thug, we're not going to wait
around for him to see the light.
If Zachary sees Ethan in a punitive context,
because he's forced to,
I just don't see anything positive coming out of that.
Mrs. Longstreet, our son is a maniac.
If you hope he'll suddenly and spontaneously
get all apologetic, you're dreaming.
Look, I'm sorry, but I really do have
to get back to the office.
Nancy, you stay.
You'll let me know what was decided.
I'm no use to anyone anyway.
Women think you need the man,
you need the father,
like it would do any good.
I'm really sorry, but I can't stay either.
My husband has never been much of
an I'll-push-the-stroller type daddy.
That's too bad, because it goes by so fast.
Mike really liked taking care of the kids.
- You had a ball pushing that stroller.
- Yeah, sure.
So... What should we decide?
Could you come over to our place at
about 7:30, with Ethan?
- Well, if you want my opinion...
- Yes, please.
- I think Zachary should come over here.
- Yeah, I agree.
The victim shouldn't be the one
who makes the trip.
- I can't be anywhere at 7:30.
- Who needs you? You're useless, right?
- Seriously, I think it's important for his father to come.
- Not tonight!
- I'm sorry.
- Can you hear me? Can you hear me now?
There's not a word in the annual report.
But the risk wasn't officially established.
There's no proof.
Call me back.
- Tomorrow?
- Tomorrow I'm in Washington.
- You have business in Washington?
- At the Pentagon.
Look, the main thing is to get the kids to talk.
I'll come over to your place with Zachary at 7:30
and we'll let them talk it through.
What? You don't seem convinced.
If Zachary hasn't acquired
accountability skills,
They'll just glare at each other,
it will be disaster.
"Accountability skills", Mrs. Longstreet?
What are you talking about?
I'm sure your son is not a maniac.
- Zachary is not a maniac.
- Yes he is.
Alan, don't be an idiot.
Why are you saying that?
He's a maniac.
- How does he explain what he did?
- He won't talk about it.
- He should talk about it.
- That's a lot of "shoulds", Mrs. Longstreet.
He should come here, he should talk about it,
he should feel sorry...
I'm sure you're much more evolved than we are.
We're trying to get up to speed,
but in the meantime try to indulge us.
Hey come on! What happened here?
This isn't what we are all about.
- I was talking about Zachary, about him.
- I got that.
Alan!
You want some more coffee? Real coffee.
Coffee.
Thank you.
- Coffee, all right.
- It's OK, I'll get it.
I see you're an art enthusiast.
Yes.
- Bacon?
- Yes, bacon.
- Cruelty and splendor.
- Chaos. Balance.
- Is Zachary interested in art?
- Not as much as he should be.
- Your children are?
- We try to make up for the lack in the school curriculum.
We try to get them to read,
to concerts and galleries.
I really believe that culture can be
a powerful force for peace.
Yeah you're so right.
Is cobbler cake or pie?
This is an important question.
I was in the kitchen, thinking.
Why should pizza be a pie?
No deixe isto sobrar!
Have that.
Cobbler is cake. It there's no crust on
the bottom then it can't be pie.
You're a gourmet chef.
I like to cook. It's something you have to
do out of love or not at all.
The way I see it, if there's no curst on the bottom,
then it's not a pie.
How about you guys? You have other kids?
I have another son by a former marriage.
You know, I was wondering.
I know it's not important but...
Do you know what were they arguing about?
Cause Ethan won't say a word.
Ethan wouldn't let Zachary be
part of his gang.
- Ethan has a gang?
- And he called him a snitch.
Did you know that Ethan had a gang?
No. But I'm thrilled to hear it!
- Why are you thrilled?
- Cause I had one.
- I was the leader.
- So was I.
What does the leader of a gang do?
You know, you got five, six guys who like you and
they're willing to sacrifice themselves for you.
- Like in Ivanhoe.
- Exactly, like in Ivanhoe.
Who even knows Ivanhoe any more?
So it's another role model. Like Spiderman
or whoever.
Well apparently you know more about
it than we do.
Zachary wasn't quite as silent as you first said.
Why did he call him a snitch?
Forget it, silly question, right?
What's the point? No one care.
We're not going to get into these
children's quarrels.
- It's none of our business.
- Right.
What is our business is this unfortunate incident.
Violence is our business.
When I was the leader,
I beat up Jimmy Leach in a fair fight
and he was bigger than me.
- What does that do with anything, Michael?
- No, nothing.
This is not a fair fight, these boys weren't fighting.
- Right, I was just remembering something.
- It's not very different.
- Excuse me, I'm sorry there's a difference.
- There's a difference.
What's the difference?
Jimmy Leach and me, we agreed to fight.
- Did you mess him up?
- A little.
Enough about Jimmy Leach.
- Do you mind if I talked to Zachary?
- Of course not.
- I would not do it without your permission.
- No, talk to him. That's completely fine with us.
- And good luck with that.
- Stop it.
Why did you say that?
- Mrs. Longstreet...
- Penelope. I think we'll do better if we're
on a first name basis.
- Penelope, you're acting on a desire to educate...
- I won't talk to him if you don't want me to.
Go ahead, talk to him, lecture him,
do whatever you want.
I don't understand how you
feel so uninvolved here.
- Mrs. Longstreet...
- Penelope.
Penelope, I'm very involved here.
- My son injured another child...
- Deliberately.
See, that's the kind of thing that irks me.
We know deliberately.
That's what makes all the difference.
The difference between what and what?
We're only talking about one thing here.
Our kid picked up a stick and hit your kid.
That's why we're here, right?
- Fruitless.
- Right, she's right. This kind of talk is fruitless.
Why do you feel you need to slip in the word
deliberately? What kind of lesson are you
trying to teach me?
All right, this is getting silly.
My husband is all stressed out over work stuff.
I'll come back here tonight with Zachary and
we'll let them work it out naturally.
- I'm not stressed out in the least.
- Well I am.
- There's no reason to be stressed out.
- Yes, there is.
Yeah.
Well, no comment...No comment.
No comment!
What? If you recall it, you're admitting liability!
Recalling Antril would be admitting your liability!
Christmas time in the school play...
- What did Zachary play? Zachary played...
- Ebenezer Scrooge.
- [Alan] accused of accounting irregularities...
- Ebenezer Scrooge, right.
If you want them to haul you out of
the meeting in handcuffs two weeks from now...
Michael, do you remember he played Scrooge?
- Sure.
- He was wonderful.
With that night bonnet. He was very funny.
Let's talk about it, what about the victims
after the stockholders' meeting...
What did Ethan play, he played the...
We can't recall a drug because three
guys can't walk a straight line!
For the time being, don't make a move.
All right, call you right back.
They're in panic mode. They have the media
breathing down their necks.
All right.
I want a release thant doesn't
sound defensive at all.
Just the opposite. Go for the jugular.
Something like: "TW Pharma is a target."
"Attempt at manipulation of the stock two
weeks before the stockholders' meeting."
" Where did this study come from anyway?"
"How does this suddenly drop out of a clear blue
sky", etcetera.
Not one word about the health issue.
Just one question:
Who is behind the study? Who?
Fine.
As empresas farmacuticas
so bem difceis de manter.
Profit, profit, profit.
Nobody said you should listen to my conversation.
Nobody said you should have it under my nose.
I'm totally forced to have it here.
Against my will, believe me.
They just peddle this shit, right?
No one is responsible.
In any therapeutic advance there are
benefits and there are risks.
Yeah, I know. Still you got some funny line of work.
- What does that mean?
- Michael, it's none of our business.
- Funny line of work.
- What about you, what do you do?
- I got a normal job.
- What's a normal job?
- I told you, I sell pots and pans.
- And door handles.
And flush mechanisms. And lot of other stuff.
"Flush mechanisms", I like that,
That's interesting.
I find that interesting.
Flush toilets are interesting.
Why not?
- How many different kinds do you have?
- There are two basic kinds.
You got your push button and your handle operated.
- Yeah, right.
- Depends where your water line is.
- I see.
- It either comes from the side near the top,
or it comes from the bottom.
One of my store managers is an expert.
I could introduce you if you want.
But you'll have to hump it out to Jamaica, Queens.
You seem like you know your business pretty well.
Are you planning to sanction Zachary in any way?
Depois discutem sobre tubulao.
- I don't feel well.
- What's the matter, are you all right?
- Oh you do look pale honey.
- You're all white, yeah.
- Nauseous.
- Some Reglan, you get some Reglan?
- No. I'll be fine.
- Coke. What you need is a coke.
It's not cold.
- It's not cold.
- Thank you.
Just little sips.
The coke wasn't in the refrigerator.
Have him call me back.
Tell him right away.
Is Coke good for that?
It's more for diarrhea, isn't it?
No, not only. Better?
I think so.
Mrs. Longstreet...
If we decide to reprimand our child, we'll do
it in our own way and on our own terms.
- Absolutely.
- What absolutely?
He's their kid, they're free to do as they see fit.
- I don't agree.
- You don't agree about what, Penny?
- They're not free.
- Is that right? Go on.
But don't forget, nothing has been proven here,
nothing is certain.
Don't fuck this up.
If we don't get this right, Walter will be
out on his ear in two weeks, and so will we.
Enough, Alan! Enough with the cell phone already!
The here and now, god dammit!
Call me back and read it to me.
What the hell is wrong with you?
Screaming at me like that!
- Dennis heard every word!
- Good! I'm sick of that fucking cell phone,
every minute of every day!
Listen Nancy, you should be thanking me
for agreeing to come here...
Really?
- I'm going to throw up.
- No you're not.
- I am.
- You want to use the bathroom?
- Nobody's forcing you to stay...
- She's right, nobody's forcing you to stay.
- I'm dizzy.
- Stare at a point in space. Stare at a point in space.
- Hey, you can see part of the EL from here. Cool!
- Get away from me. Leave me alone.
- Should she go to the bathroom?
- Go to the bathroom if you have to throw up.
- Give her some Reglan.
- It can't be the cobbler, can it?
- No, I made it yesterday.
- Don't touch me!
- Take it easy, Doodle.
- Come on, don't get all bent out of shape over nothing.
My husband feels that anything to do with the
house, the school, the backyard,
- ...is my domain.
- I do not.
You do so. And I can understand why.
It's all so excruciatingly boring.
It's excruciating.
If it's so excruciating, why do you have
children in the first place?
Maybe Zachary picks up on that lack of interest.
- What lack of interest?!
- You just said it yourself!
Go get a bucket, go get a bucket!
That stupid bitch.
You should have gone to the bathroom.
Doodle, this is rediculous.
- Your suit took a hit.
- What?
- It can't be the cobbler. That much I know.
- It's not the cobbler, it's nerves. This is just nerves.
You want to clean up in the bathroom?
Oh my god, my Kokoschka.
- Give her some Reglan.
- She couldn't keep anything down right now.
Where's the bathroom?
I'll show you.
This is nerves, just nerves.
Thank you.
Like I always say, you can't get over
something when you're under it.
With me it's the back of my neck.
Gets all blocked up right here.
- What do we do about the Kokoschka?
- We can clean it.
Try Lysol. Only problem is drying it. Or else with
plain water and you put some cologne on there.
- Cologne?
- I got some of that Kronos I never use.
The paper will warp.
We'll blow-dry it, then put some books on top
then flatten it out. Maybe iron it like dollar bills.
Maybe iron it like dollar bills.
- Oh God!
- I'll buy you another one.
There's no other one. It's been out of print for years.
- I'm so sorry.
- We can save it.
Pen, let me do this.
It's a reprint from the catalog of
the 1963 show in London.
Go get the blow-dryer and the cologne.
It's in the bathroom cabinet.
- Her husband is in the bathroom!
- He's not in the can!
I got most of it off. Little bit on the Dolgans...
Excuse me!
- Are you feeling better?
- Yeah.
- Should I spray?
- Where's the blow-dryer?
He's drying his pants.
Well, we'll wait. We'll put the Kouros on there last.
- Can I use the bathroom too?
- Yes, of course. Of course.
I don't know what to say...
I am so sorry.
Bring the blow-dryer please.
God!
Unbelievable!
Un-fucking-believable.
- Her cobbler is horrible.
- You stuffed your face!
Look at my day. I have to get
some food in me some time.
- Oh God.
- What a freaking nightmare!
He better watch it, he's got me
right on the edge.
- She's horrible!
- Less.
She's so fake.
- She doesn't bother me that much.
- They're both horrible.
Why do you take their side all the time?
- Sorry.
- I don't take their side. What's that supposed to mean?
What the hell are we doing here?
- I hope you're kidding.
- Why do you argue with her?
We'd have been out of here a long time
ago if you didn't bicker over every word.
You'd rather I was a sheep, like her husband?
- You think it was the cobbler?
- Of course it was.
A little warm coke and... Bang!
Fuck!
You mitigate. You're trying to reconcile everything.
- I'm not!
- You are.
You had your gang and you were the leader,
and they can do whatever they want with their son.
Their son is a threat to homeland security.
When a kid is a menace to society
it's everybody's business.
I can't believe she barfed all over my books!
When you know you're going to toss your
cookies, you take precautions.
Oh, the Foujita! Disgusting...
I was right on the edge with that
toilet flushing shit.
- You were incredible.
- I held my own, right?
Incredible. "Jamaica, Queens", that was genius.
- Little piece of shit. What does he call her again?
- Doodle.
- Doodle...
- Doodle!
Yeah, I call her Doodle.
Oh, I'm sorry. We didn't mean anything.
It's just so easy to make fun of other
people's pet names.
Michael, what do we call each other?
I'm sure it's worse, right?
- Here, you want the blow-dryer.
- Thanks.
We call each other darjeeling, like the tea.
A lot more embarrassing if you ask me.
- How's she feeling, is she feeling better?
- Yeah, better.
I reacted badly. I'm ashamed.
I made a big deal about the catalog.
I didn't really know why I did that.
You get so absurdly attached to these things,
you don't even know why really.
- Pull it taut.
- Hold on at the other side.
I know I got it, just pull it taut.
- The corners are wet.
- I know, I get the corners.
- It's gonna tear.
- He's right, it gonna tear.
- Here.
- It's dry now.
You put colognes right now and I finish those.
- What does Doodle come from?
- Sorry.
Yankee Doodle? Cheese Doodle?
No, it's a song from Guys and Dolls
that goes, "Doodle oodle oodle oo."
Oh yeah, I know that one.
Ours is from our honeynoon in India.
I called her darjeeling instead of darling.
So stupid.
- Should I go check on her?
- Go ahead, darjeeling.
Nancy!
I was worried about you, all better?
Yeah, better, I think so.
If you're not sure, stay away from the coffee table.
I left the towel in the bathtub.
I didn't know where to put it.
Perfect.
You cleaned up? I'm so sorry.
Everything is fine. All is well.
I'm sorry, I wasn't there for you.
I was so focused on my Kokoschka.
That's all right.
- No, I behaved poorly.
- Please.
In the bathroom I was thinking.
Yes?
Maybe we glossed over the...
- Well I mean...
- What? What is it?
- Name-calling is a kind of abuse.
- Sure.
- Depends.
- Right, depends.
Zachary has never been a violent child.
He must have his reasons.
Like getting called a snitch. Excuse me.
Yeah, Walter.
As long as there are no victims on the panel.
No victims. I don't want you sitting down with victims.
Deny, deny, deny. If we have to,
we'll sue the Journal.
We'll e-mail you the draft of the press release,
Walter, I'm sorry I got to go.
Call me a snitch, it gets a rise out of me.
- Unless it's ture.
- What?
You know, the shoe fits.
- You think my son is a snitch?
- Come on, joking around.
- So is yours anyway.
- What do you mean so is ours?
- He snitched on Zachary.
- We coaxed it out of him.
- We're completely off point here.
- Maybe you coaxed, but he did snitch on him.
- Nancy...
- Nancy what?
- You think my son is a snitch?
- I don't think anything.
Well if you don't think anything, don't say anything.
Don't make insinuations.
Nancy, there's no reason to lose our cool here.
Michael and I have gone out of our way
to be fair-minded and conciliating...
- Not so fair-minded.
- Oh, really?
- Superficially fair-minded.
- Doodle, I have to go.
So go, coward.
Nancy, right now I'm in danger of
losing my most important client.
So this caring parent crap and the brickering
that goes along with it...
- My son lost two teeth. Two incisors.
- Yeah, right, we got that.
- One of them permanently.
- He'll get new teeth.
Better ones! No one chewed his ear off!
It was a mistake not to consider the
source of the problem.
There is no source. There's an 11-year-old
kid who hits people, with a stick!
- Armed with a stick.
- We took that word out.
- You took it out because we asked you to.
- We took it out without argument.
A word which deliberately establishes intent
and excludes any hint of a misunderstanding.
Which excludes childhood.
- I don't think I can stand this tone any more.
- We're not quite on the same page, you and I. Right from the start.
Mr. Cowan, it is incredibly frustrating
to be continued upbraided
For something we ourselves admitted was a mistake.
Like the word "armed" wasn't right,
we took it out.
Strictly speaking, it certainly applies.
Zachary was verbally abused and over reacted.
If I'm attacked, I defend myself.
Especially when I'm all alone against a whole gang.
Well, you've certainly perked up since
you tossed your cookies.
Do you realize how crude that is?
We're all decent people. All four of us.
How do we get all carried away, losing
our tempers? It's totally unnecessary.
Michael, stop, stop metigating.
We're only superficially fair-minded,
why should we be fair-minded at all?
- I'm not going to be led down that path.
- What path?
The path those two little shits led us down!
All right?
- I'm afraid Pen doesn't see things that way...
- Penelope.
- Sorry.
- So Ethan is a shit now.
That really takes the cake.
- That's it. I really have to leave now.
- Yeah so do I.
Go, go. I give up.
Hello?
Oh, hi Ma.
No, we got some friends over but go ahead.
Yes, you just do whatever the doctors tell you to do.
Yes.
The what?
Antril? You're taking Antril... Hold on a second.
Antril? That crap of yours, is that Antril?
- My mother's taking it.
- Thousands of people take it.
Mum, you stop taking that one immediately.
You hear me? Right now.
Do what I tell you, I'll explain later.
Mum, you tell Dr. Perlstein that
I won't let you take it.
Good.
Why red?
So who can see you?
Mum, that's rediculous. Mum...
I have to call you back I told you I have company.
OK. I love you. Bye-bye.
She got red crutches so she won't hit by a truck.
In case she wanders out on the street at night.
They're giving her Antril for her blood pressure.
If she's taking it and she looks normal,
I'll take her deposition.
Didn't I have a scarf?
I don't like that attitude of yours.
If my mother has the slightest symptom, my name
will be at the top of a class-action suit.
- We'll have one anyway.
- I should hope so!
Doing the right thing is futile.
Honesty is just stupidity. All it does is weaken you.
You let your guard down.
OK, let's go Nancy. That's enough
sermons and lectures for one day.
Go ahead, go. But let me tell you this,
now that I know you two, I'm not surprised
What's his name? Zachary, may have
behaviour issues.
- When you killed that hamster...
- Killed?
- Killed.
- I killed the hamster?
Yes. You do everything you can to
make us feel guilty.
You stake out the moral highground as your own,
but you yourself are a murderer.
I definitely did not kill the hamster.
Worse. You left it out there,
Trembling with fear in a hostile environment.
That poor critter was probably eaten
by a dog or a rat.
- She's right about that.
- What do you mean she is right?
I mean it's horrible, what must have happened
to that animal!
I thought the hamster would be happy to be free.
I was sure he'd go running around in the gutter, happy as a clam!
You just left him there!
I can't touch those things, OK? I can't touch
anything of that family.
- Christ, Penny you know that!
- He's afraid of rodents.
Yeah, I have a fear of rodents.
And I have a fear of reptiles.
Anything down close to the ground, that's it, all right?
What about you? How come you didn't
go downstairs and get it?
Because I didn't know!
Michael said this morning the hamster ran away.
So I went right out, I
went all the way around the block.
I went to the basement!
Penelope, it is completely unfair that all of a sudden
I'm in the hot seat about this hamster thing.
That you just had to tell them about.
That's a family issue.
That doesn't concern anybody but us
and it's got nothing to do with this situation here!
And I can't believe I'm getting called
a murderer in my own house!
- What does your house have to do with the price of tea in China?
- My house! I opened the door!
The door is wide open in a spirit of reconciliation.
To people who should be a little grateful!
Keep right on stroking your own ego,
It's beautiful.
- So you have no remorse?
- I have no remorse.
That animal was disgusting and
I'm glad it's gone.
- Michael, that's ridiculous.
- What's rediculous?
What, have you lost your mind too?
Their son beats the shit out of Ethan and
you're in my face over a hamster?
What you did with that hamster was wrong
and you can't deny that.
- I don't give a shit about the hamster!
- You'll have to give a shit tonight when your daughter get home.
Bring her on! I'm not going to be told how to
act by a 9-year-old snotnose brat!
Now I agree with him there, one hundred percent.
- That's pathetic.
- Watch it, Penelope, watch it.
I've kept my shirt on up till now,
but you're pushing me over a line.
- And Ethan?
- What about Ethan?
- Is he sad too?
- Ethan's got other things on his plate, if you ask me.
- Ethan wasn't so attached to Nibbles.
- Nibbles?
What kind of pussy name is that anyway?
If you feel no remorse, why should our son?
You know what? All this consultation and
consideration shit.
I'm sick to death of it. We were nice to you.
We bought tulips.
My wife dressed me up as a liberal,
but the fact is I got no patience for this touchy-feely bullshit.
- And I'm a temperamental son of a bitch.
- We all are.
No, I'm sorry. We are not all
temperamental sons of bitches.
- Not you, of course.
- No, not me! Thank God!
Not you, darjee, not you.
You're so evolved. You never go off half-cocked.
- Why are you being so aggressive with me?
- I'm not being aggressive. I'm being honest.
Yes, you are being aggressive!
You put this little bash together
and I let you recruit me...
- You let me recruit you?
- Yes.
That's so disgusting.
No, it's not. You're an advocate for civilized
behavior, well that's fine with me.
Yes I'm advocate for civilized behavior, you bet
I am! And it's a good thing somebody is!
You think it's better to be a son of a bitch?
Nobody said that, nobody critisized you that!
- You did!
- We did not.
What was I supposed to do?
Was I supposed to sue you?
Never talk to you and tear you to pieces
through the insurance company?
- Stop it, Penny.
- Stop what?!
- You're blowing this all out of proportion.
- I don't care!
You do everything you can to avoid
the pettiness and you wind up
Humiliated and completely alone!
Yes, Walter.
Well, let them prove it.
Prove it!
From where I sit, the best thing for us to do...
We're born alone and we die alone!
Who wants a little Scotch?
Walter, I'm in a meeting right now.
I'll call you when I get back to the office.
That's the thing. I'm living with a
totally negative person.
- Who's negative?
- Me.
This was the worst possible idea!
We should never have had this meeting.
- I told you so.
- You told me so?
Yeah!
- You told me we should never have this meeting?
- I didn't think it was a very good idea.
- It was a good idea.
- Oh come on. Who wants a little?
You told me you think it wasn't a good idea?
- As I recall.
- As you recall!
- Maybe just a little slip.
- Don't you have to go?
At this point in the game,
I may as well have a little drink.
You tell me again we didn't
both agree on this!
Calm down, Penelope, this is going nowhere.
Who said not to touch the cobbler this morning?
Who said we should keep the rest for the
Cowan's? Who said that?!
That was very nice of you.
- What's that to do with anything?
- What do you mean what's that to do with anything?
- Guests are guests.
- You're lying, you're lying!
You know, my wife actually had to
drag me here today.
When you grow up with a certain
John Wayne idea of manhood,
The impulse in this kind of situation
is not to talk it through.
- I thought the role model was Ivanhoe.
- Same basic concept.
- Another aspect.
- Another aspect!
Just how much are you going to
humiliate yourself?
I can see I dragged hiim here for nothing.
- What did you expect, Doodle?
- That is a ridiculous nickname.
Some revelation about universal values?
This scotch is unbelievable.
See that? 18 years old, single malt, from a tiny
place in Scotland where they still grow their own barley.
What about the tulips? Who got them?
All I said was it's too bad we didn't get any tulips.
I never said anything about going all
the way up to Henry street at dawn.
Don't get all bent out of shape over this,
Penelope, It's not worth it.
He got the tulips! Him and only him!
Don't we get a drink?
Penelope and I would like a drink too.
Pretty funny when you think about it.
A devotee of Ivanhoe and John Wayne
but he's scared to pick up an itty-bitty mouse.
- Stop the hamster. Stop.
- She's right, it's laughable.
- And her?
- I don't think that will be necessary.
- Pour me a drink, Michael.
- No.
- Michael!
- No.
What is wrong with you, Michael?
Fine, fine. Drink, What does it matter?
- Is drinking bad for you or something?
- No, no, it's great for me.
Now I don't know...
- Mr. Cowan...
- Alan.
Alan...
See, you and I didn't exactly hit it off
I live with a man who has decided once and for
all that life is synonymous with mediocrity.
It's very hard to live with a man who's walled
himself up in that idea,
who doesn't want to change anything,
who never gets excited about anything...
What are you telling this for?
He could care less.
You have to believe, you have to believe
some possible correction.
He's the last guy on earth you
should be telling this to.
I'll talk to anyone I damn well please!
Who the fuck is that now?
Mother
Hi, Ma.
He's fine. He got his teeth knocked out
but he's fine.
He's in pain, it hurts, it'll pass.
Ma, I told you I have company.
I'll call you back, remember?
Yeah, bye.
- He's still in pain?
- No.
- Then why do you worry your mother?
- He has to worry, he can't help himself.
Ok, Penelope, that's enough.
What is this drama queen bullshit?
Penelope, nobody cares about anything
outside himself.
Sure, we'd all like to believe in
some kind of possible correction,
One we could author ourselves,
completely free of selfish consideration.
Like you're writing this book about Darfur...
Which is great!
I understand how you might say,
OK, I'll pick a massacre,
History is full of them, and I'm going to write a book.
Everybody has to save himself somehow.
I'm not writing this book to save myself.
You haven't read it, you don't even
know what's in it!
Whatever.
The smell of Kronos is killing me.
- It fucking reeks!
- You didn't exactly skimp.
- I'm so sorry.
- It's my fault. I sprayed like a madwoman.
Why can't things be easier?
Why does everything have to be so exhausting?
You think too much. Women think too much.
There's an original response?
I don't know what that means, to think too much.
And I don't understand how you can go
on living without some moral sense of the world.
Look at me, I'm living!
Michael, shut up.
Miserable complicity! Just disgusting.
- What happened to your sense of humor?
- I don't have a sense of humor, and I don't want one.
If you ask me, the couple is the most terrible
ordeal God ever inflicted on us.
Ah, marvelous.
- The couple and the family.
- No one is forcing you to air this out in front of us, Michael.
And I might add, it's a little indecent.
- That doesn't bother him.
- You agree with me, don't you?
Look, this is all, beside the point.
- Alan, say something.
- He has a right to his ideas.
- That doesn't mean he has to advertise them.
- Yeah, maybe.
We don't care about their marriage.
We're here about a problem with the kids.
We don't care about their marriage.
- Yes, except...
- Except what?
- It's related.
- Of course it's related.
Ethan's getting two of his teeth broken
is related to our marriage?
- Of course it is.
- Sorry I don't follow you.
Take a step back and look at the situation we're in.
Chrldren suck the life out of you and leave us
old and empty. It's the law of nature.
You see these young couples,
laughing all the way to the alter.
You think they don't know.
Poor fuckers have no idea.
They're happy. Nobody tells y
ou this stuff in the beginning.
I get this army buddy of mine is going
to have a kid with his new girlfriend.
I say to him, "A kid at our age?
what are you stupid?"
"You got ten, fifteen good years left before
you get cancer or have a stroke,"
"and you're gonna saddle yourself
with a fucking kid?"
- That's not really what you think.
- Yes it is.
- Of course it's what I think, even worse.
- Yeah, you're debasing yourself, Michael.
Is that right?
Stop crying, Penelope. Makes it worse.
Of course, of course.
- Excellent, isn't it?
- So excellent.
- Could I interest you in a cigar?
- No cigars in the house!
- Too bad.
- Were you going to smoke a cigar now, Alan?
I do what I want, Nancy. If I want
to smoke a cigar, I smoke a cigar.
I won't smoke it because I don't
want to upset Penelope,
Who's already on edge, to put it mildly.
Oh, quit snuffling like that, she's right.
When women cry, men are pushing
to their breaking point.
Although unfortunately, I must say that Michael's
point of view is completely justified.
Yeah.
Yeah, sure, go ahead.
Put "New York" and a specific time of day.
It's unbearable!
The time you send it. It has to be
hot off the press.
No, not "questions". "Deplores".
Questions is wishy-washy.
I live with this night and day.
- One second.
- Our lives are chopped up by the cell phone.
- Nancy, this is very important.
- It's always very important.
What's happening somewhere
else is always more important.
Not "strategy". "Scheme". A scheme surfacing
two weeks from the company's posting.
In the street. At the dinner table. Everywhere.
"A study" in quotes. Put the word
"study" in quotes.
I don't even protest anymore.
Unconditional surrender.
- I feel like I'm going to vomit again.
- Where's that bucket?
How am I supposed to know?
Then just quote me.
- Can you stand over the bucket please?
- Pen!
It's all right. We're set up to handle this now.
...according to TW Pharma attorney
Alan Cowan.
AP, Reuters, major newspapers,
trade journals, the whole shebang.
-What's wrong?
- She's gonna throw up again.
- You're so caring, it's touching.
- I'm worried.
I didn't get that, my mistake.
Oh come on Nancy, will you?
You and I don't have to do this.
Their marriage is going downhill, we don't
have to try to compete with them.
What gives you the right to say our marriage
is going downhill?
What gives you the right?
Yeah, Walter.
Yeah, I just had it read back.
They're sending it over to you.
Manipulation. Manipulation of the stock price.
Walter, I'll call you back in a minute.
- I didn't say it. Steven did.
- Michael.
- I won't let you judge our family.
- Then don't judge our son either.
That's different! Your son brutalized our son!
They're young, they're kids,
kids roughhouse in the playground.
Always have always will, it's a rule of nature.
- No it isn't!
- Sure it is.
It takes a little education to substitute
the rule of law for violence.
The origin of law, of course you know,
is brute force.
Maybe for cavemen, not in this world.
- Tell me about this world!
- Boring! This conversation is boring.
Penelope, I believe in the god of carnage.
The god whose rule has been
unchallenged since time immemorial.
You're interested in Africa, right?
- What's the matter?
- Don't worry about me.
- Nancy!
- I'm just fine.
See, I just got back from the Congo. They got
kids there, trained to kill at the age of eight.
In the course of their childhood, they might
kill hundreds of people.
They'll kill with a machete, a shotgun,
a Kalash, a thumper.
So obviously when my kid busts some other
kid's tooth, even two teeth,
with a bamboo switch by the sandbox,
I'm not quite as shocked and indignant as you are.
- Well you should be.
- Thumper.
- Yes, that's why they call a grenade launcher.
- That's what I call it.
- You all right?
- Just fine.
- What's wrong with her?
- It's bile, nothing.
Don't you tell me about Africa! I know
all about suffering in Africa.
I don't doubt it.
That's all I've been thinking about for months!
Don't get her started on this, please!
- You know I'm actually starting to like you.
- Shut up!
- Talk about commitment to world peace and stability.
- Shut the fuck up, Michael!
- You sure about that?
- Very sure. Do me some good.
We live in New York. We don't live in Kinshasa!
We live in New York City!
With the customs of western society.
What happens in a Brooklyn playground is
about western values!
To which, like it or not, I happen to subscribe.
Beating your husband must be one of
those customs then...
- I'm warning you, Michael!
- She was all over you like a bad rash!
- If I were you it would melt my heart.
- He's making fun of you, do you believe it?
I don't care about this...
No, really. Morally, we're supposed to overcome
our impulses but there are times you don't want to overcome them.
I mean, who wants to say a
"Hail Mary" when having sex?
- Can you buy this scotch around here?
- No, this very likely no.
Thumper!
- Thumper, really.
- Yeah. Thumper.
So it is called.
- Why don't you just say grenade launcher?
- Because it's a term.
Just like they say "kalash" and not
Kalashnikov or AK-47.
- Who is they?
- That's enough, Nancy, that's enough.
Hotshot firebrands like my husband,
you got to understand,
It's hard for them to get excited
about what happens down the block.
Exactly.
I don't see why. I don't see why.
We're all citizens of the world. I don't see
why we shouldn't have some sense of community.
Penelope, enough for the highfalutin clap trap!
I'm gonna kill him.
Yeah.
She's right! It's unbearable after a while.
"Brazen". a brazen attempt to...
There you go.
He sighed off the rest?
Sure.
What were we talking about? Thumpers?
We were saying that, dispite my husband thinks,
Whether it happens here or other parts of the world,
we must be collectively concerned.
"Collectively concerned". Nancy, it's
absurd to drink in your condition.
What condition? I'm perfect.
That's interesting... Yeah?
No, no interviews before we get this release out.
Mr. Cowan, would you please put an end to
this nerve-racking conversation?
No way. The stockholders won't give a shit.
The stockholders...
Nancy what are you...
Are you out of your fucking mind?
- There.
- Shit!
- Oh my god.
- Way to go!
- The blow-dryer!
- What is wrong with you?
I can't believe this! I got everything in there.
It's brand new, I spent hours setting it up!
I can't believe you did that.
That was an irresponsible thing to do.
My whole life was in there!
His whole life...
Take out the battery and SIM card.
How to do that?
I just got it, I don't know!
They thikn it's funny, they think it's funny!
Penelope, it's not funny!
My husband has spent the entire
afternoot drying thing!
- Forget it. It's over.
- You gotta wait.
You want to use the phone?
I must say...
What...What must you say, Michael?
No, I don't even know what to say.
I'd say it feels better like this, wouldn't you?
Men get so attached to their toys.
It diminishes them.
They lose their credibility.
I liked this guy once and then I saw him carrying
this rectangular bag. But with a shoulder strap.
A man's bag, but with a shoulder strap!
It was over!
A bag with a shoulder strap, that's the worst.
But the cell phone always at his
fingertips is the worst, too.
A man should have both hands free.
I've got a John Wayne idea of manhood, too.
What was it he had? A Colt '45.
Something that empties a room...
Any man that doesn't give off those loner vibes
just doesn't come off as having any substance...
So Michael, I guess you are happy now.
Our touchy-feely-whatever you said-
is coming apart at the seams.
But you know what?
This almost feels good. In my opinion.
Yeah, well in my opinion, some people can hold
their liquor better than others.
- I'm as normal as I can be.
- Yeah, right.
I'm beginning to see things
with a pleasant serenity.
That's good! "A pleasant serenity"!
I can't understand why you're wasting yourself,
right out in the open, darjeeling.
- Shut the hell up.
- Alan, relax.
- No cigars in the house!
- Hoyo de Monterrey.
Partagas D number4, you got
your Hoyo Coronation.
- Where did you get these?
- You don't want to know.
- Seriously.
- The Spanish connection.
My cookware guy. His best friend is going with a flight
attendant. Brings in like two boxes a week.
You can't smoke in a house with an asthmatic child!
And why are you telling him your whole life story?
- Who has asthma?
- Our son.
- We had a goddamn hamster, didn't we?
- It's true that pets aren't good when you're asthmatic.
- Not good at all!
- Even goldfish aren't necessarily recommended.
Do I have to listen to this crap?
I guess I'm the only one who
doesn't see things with pleasant serendity.
The truth is, I've never been so unhappy.
Unhappiest day of my life.
You're an unhappy drunk.
Michael, every word out of your mouth just slays me.
I don't get drunk.
I had a sip of your shitty 18-year old single malt...
that you trot out like it's the 18 wonder of the world.
I don't get drunk, and believe me I wish I could.
It would be such a relief to drown every
little sorrow in a good stiff drink.
My husband is unhappy, too.
Look at him. All hunched over.
Like he was left on the side of the road.
I think this is the unhappiest day
of his life, too.
- It is!
- I'm sorry, Doodle.
Hello?
Hello?
Mum! I told you I have company, remember?
Because it's medication thant can
kill you! It's poison!
Mum, someone here who can explain.
- Here! Tell her!
- Tell her what?
Tell her what you know about that
poison shit of yours.
What can he tell her?
He doesn't know anything.
Hello, ma'am, how are you?
No...
Are you in pain?
Yeah...the operation will fix that.
The other leg too, huh?
No, I'm not an orthopedist.
She keeps calling me doctor.
Doctor, what a laugh! Hang up!
Yeah!
Do you have any balance issues?
No, of course not, not at all.
It can't kill you.
Don't listen to what people say.
It's probably a good idea not
to take it for a while.
Just until this operation is behind you.
Yes, sounds like you're in excellent shape.
You got that Ma? You stop
taking that medication!
Do as a told, all right? I love you.
I can't take her anymore.
- The shit I put up with.
- All right, should we wrap this up?
Should I come back tonight with Zachary?
Let's decide.
This is getting to be like, who cares?
That is what we're here for, after all.
Now I'm going to be sick.
Where's that bucket?
That's enough!
I'd say both sides share the blame.
There you are, both sides share the blame.
- Are you serious?
- Excuse me?
- That's what you really think?
- It's what I think, yes.
My son Ethan, who took codeine last night
at three in the morning, he shares the blame?
He's not necessarily innocent.
Get out my house. Get the fuck out of my house!
My bag!
What is going on here?
They're totally lost it.
- Alan, do something!
- "Alan, do something"~~
Shut your mouth! She broke my make-up
mirror and my perfume!
Stand up for me. Why don't you stand up for me?
- Let's go, Nancy.
- It's not like I'm strangling her!
- What did I do to you?
- The blame is not shared!
The victim and the criminal are not the same!
- The criminal?!
- Oh give it a fucking rest, Penelope!
Enough of these idealistic theories shit!
- Which I believe in.
- You believe, you believe!
This crush you got on these Sudan sambos is
spilling over into everything now!
I am horrified. How can you be so
openly despicable?
Because I feel like it.
I feel like being openly despicable.
One day you'll understand the sheer horror
of what's happening in that part of the world,
And you'll be ashamed of you inability to take
action, of your contemptibly nihilistic attitude.
Yes, darjeeling, you're so wonderful!
- You're the best and the brightest!
- Yes I am! Yes I am!
Let's get out of here Alan.
These people are monsters.
- Stop it, Nancy.
- No, no. I want to drink some more.
I want to get drunk off my ass.
This bitch throws my bag against a wall
and nobody lifts a finger.
- I want to be blink drunk!
- You're drunk enough.
How can you let her call our son a criminal?
We came over here to work things out...
They insult us, browbeat us, they lecture us
about being good citizens of the planet.
I'm glad our son kicked the shit out of your son,
And I wipe my ass with your human rights!
A little booze and bang!
Her true self comes out.
What happened to that gracious,
demure woman with the soft eyes...
- I told you, I told you!
- What did you tell him?
That she was fake. This women is totally fake.
I'm sorry.
- When exactly did you say that?
- When you were drying your pants!
You had known her 15 minutes and
you already knew she was a fake?
- I pick up on these things in people very quickly.
- She does.
- I just have a nose for it.
- Fake, what does that mean?
I don't want to listen to this.
Why do you put me through this, Alan?
Relax, Nancy...
She's a complete phony.
She doesn't care any more than you do.
It's true.
- He said it's true.
- They don't give a shit!
It's obvious from the beginning,
they don't give a shit.
- She doesn't give a shit either.
- Like you do?
Let him talk, honey. Explain to me, Michael,
exactly how you care.
What does that mean anyway? You're more
credible when you're being openly despicable.
Truth is, nobody here cares.
Except maybe Penelope.
One must acknowledge her integrity.
I don't need your acknowledgment!
I don't need your acknowledgment!
But I do care. I really do care.
Yes Doodle we care in a hysterical way,
Not like heroic figures of a social movement.
I saw your friend Jane Fonda
on TV the other day.
Made me want to run out and buy
a Ku Klux Klan poster.
My friend Jane Fonda?
What the hell does that mean?
You're the same breed. You're the same kind
of involved, problem-solver woman.
Those are not the women we like.
The women we like are sensual,
crazy, shot full of hormones.
The gatekeepers of the world, the ones
who want to show off how perceptive they are,
Huge turnoff.
Even poor Michael, your own husband is turned off...
Don't you speak for me.
We don't give a shit about what women you like!
Where do you get off spouting these opinions?
You're one man whose opinions we
don't give a shit about!
She is screaming.
A quartermaster on a slave ship.
What about her? She doesn't scream? She didn't just
scream that your little asshole was right to beat up ours?
He was right!
At least our kid isn't a little wimpy-ass faggot!
Yours is a fucking snitch!
Let's go Alan, why are we still in this house?
Here, this is what I think of these stupid tulips!
Your hideous flowers!
Worst day of my life, too.
- THE END -
CARNAGE
Based on the play "God of Carnage"
By Yasmina Reza
[Penelope] January 11th, at 2:30 PM.
You'll do your statement separately, this one is ours.
...following a verbal dispute in Brooklyn Bridge Park...
Zachary Cowan, age 11, and armed with a stick
struck our son, Ethan Longstreet, in the face.
In addition ot the swelling and bruising
of Ethan's upper lip
this act also resulted in two broken incisors
including nerve damage to the right incisor
"Armed"?
Armed. You don't like armed?
Michael, what could we say?
Carrying? Holding? Carring a stick?
- "Carrying", yeah.
- "Carrying a stick".
"Carrying"...
It's ironic, we always thought the
Brooklyn Bridge Park was so safe
- Compared to Hillside.
- Ture. We always said, Brooklyn Bridge Park,
fine. Hillside, no way.
Just goes to show you.
Hey, thank you so much for coming!
It's so much better than getting caught
up in that adversarial mindset.
- Well we thank you, really.
- There's no reason we have to thank each other.
Luckily, some of us still have a sense of community, right?
Though the kids haven't got that notion straight yet.
- I mean our kid.
- Right, our kid.
Those tulips are gorgeous.
Oh it's the little florist on Henry,
you know, all the way up?
Oh right!
They fly the bulbs in straight from Holland,
- That a fact?
- Yeah.
- Do you know the one? All the way up.
- Right, right.
What about the tooth with the damaged nerve?
Oh. Well they don't know.
There's still some question about the prognosis.
- Apparently, the nerve is not completely exposed.
- Only part of it is exposed.
Right. There's a part that's exposed
and a part that's still protected.
- So now, they're not going to devitalize it.
- They want to give the tooth a chance.
We would so like to avoid root canal.
- Of course.
- So there's an observation period while they give the nerve a chance to heal.
- Meantime, he's going to need caps.
- You can't have implants until you're eighteen anyway.
You can't.
So they only do implants once they are done growing.
Naturally. Well we hope it all turns out all right.
We can only hope.
Listen Kate he didnt want tell Zachary.
No, he didn't want to tell.
Almost incredible to see this child
with no face left, no teeth...
- And he just wouldn't talk.
- I can just imagine.
Well He didn't want to tell on the kid.
Like his friends would say he was a snitch.
I mean let's be honest, Penelope,
it wasn't only a sense of honor.
Well You could say that. But honor
requires a social context...
So how did you finally get Zachary's name?
Well because we explained to Ethan that
protecting this child was not going to help him.
We told him, if this kid thinks he can go on hitting
people and getting away with it, why should he stop?
We told him that if we were that child's parents,
we would absolutely want to know about this.
- Of course.
- Yeah. [phone vibrates] Excuse me one second.
Yes Walter, thanks for getting back to me.
So it's in this morning's Journal. I'll read it to you.
"According to a study published by British journal Lancet..."
"two Australian researchers have identified..."
"...neurological side effects of TW Pharma's
anti-hypertension medication Antril..."
"including impaired hearing and ataxia."
Who the hell does your press monitoring over there?
Yeah, you're in deep shit.
No, my problem is the A.S.M.
You have an Annual Stockholders Meeting in two weeks.
Did you schedule a contingency for litigation?
Walter, Walter. Talk to PR and find out
If it was picked up somewhere else and call me back.
Sorry.
- So you're like a...
- An attorney.
- And yourself?
- Houseware supply.
Penelope is a writer.
She works part time in a bookstore,
mostly art books and history books.
A writer!
I co-wrote a volume about Sabean civilization.
Working from artifacts recovered when they
resumed digs after the Ethiopia-Eritrea conflict.
And now I have a book coming out in January
about the Darfur tragedy.
So you specialize in Africa.
I'm interested in that part of the world, yes.
- Do you have any other children?
- There's Courtney, she is nine.
She's very angry at her father right now.
He got rid of the hamster last night.
- You got rid of the hamster?
- Yeah.
Made such a racket at night.
Those things sleep during the day.
Ethan was going crazy, he couldn't stand
the racket that hamster made.
I don't mind telling you, I've been wanting to
get rid of the thing for the longest time.
So I thought, that's it. I took it out and
left it on the street.
- You left it on the street?
- I figured it was a gutter-sewer kind of animal.
But it was scared out of its wits,
out there, on that sidewalk.
Truth is, they're not pets and they're not wild.
Drop them in the middle of the forrest they're still
unhappy. I mean where are you supposed to put them?
- You just left him outside?
- Yeah, he did.
And then he tried to convince Courtney
that the hamster ran away.
Which, of course, she was not buying.
- And this morning the hamster was gone?
- Gone.
- And what about you? What do you do for a living?
- I'm an investment broker.
Let me... I'll just gonna ask this directly.
Could Zachary apologize to Ethan?
Sure. It would be good if they talked.
He's got to apologize, Alan.
He has to actually say he's sorry.
- Yeah, probably.
- Well, is he sorry?
He didn't realize how serious it was.
He's eleven years old.
- Eleven is not a baby.
- It's not an adult either.
We didn't ask you, you want some coffee or tea?
Is there any cobbler left, Penny?
She makes a mean cobbler!
- You got espresso?
- We do!
- I wouldn't mind a cup.
- A glass of water.
Yeah. Espresso for me too, babe. And bring
the cobbler. Come on, come on.
Please, please have a seat.
Here, here
Thank you.
You got to taste this cobbler.
Where's the cobbler?
She put the cobbler in the fridge again.
I don't know what language I should speak to her in.
- Nice couple.
- Very.
They're nice, right?
- You tell everybody I'm a writer?
- You are a writer. You wrote a book.
Good cobbler is not easy to make.
- What do you sell?
- Decorative hardware...
Door locks, handles, copper fittings...
And kitchen equipment, pots and pans...
Is that a good living?
You know, it's not like we had any banner
years or anything. It was tough starting out.
But long as I'm out there every morning,
with my catalog and my sample case, it's a living.
Although the cast iron roasting pans do
pick up around the holidays.
When you saw the hamster was terrified,
why didn't you bring it home?
- Cause I don't touch them.
- You put it on the sidewalk.
It was in the cage. I flipped it over.
No way I'm touching those things.
- Sugar?
- No, no sugar.
- What kind of cobbler you make?
- Appler and pear.
- Apple and pear?
- Yeah, it's a little recipe of mine.
- Apple and pear, that's new to me.
- Apple and pear is a classic.
Apple and pear is a classic.
- There's a trick to it.
- Really?
You have to cut the pear thicker than the apple,
because they cook faster.
- Oh, right!
- She's not telling you the real secret.
- Let them taste it.
- Very good, very good.
- Delicious!
- Gingerbread crumbs!
Oh my god!
It's just a souped-up recipe,
his mother gave me this idea.
Gingerbread, fantastic!
At least we get a new recipe out of this, right?
I wish my son didn't have to lose two teeth in the process.
Right, that's what I meant.
- You have a novel way of expressing it.
- No. I... Excuse me.
Yeah, Walter.
No. No letters to the editor.
You'll just fan the flames.
Was it scheduled? Yeah...
What are these disorders? What's ataxia?
And in normal doses?
How long have you known this?
And in all that time you haven't recalled it?
What are we talking about in revenues?
Oh, oh, I see.
- Alan! We're all waiting for you.
- Yeah, right. One second.
Dennis?
They've known about the risks for two and a half years.
An internal report, but no undesirable side-effects
are firmly established.
No precautionary measures and they don't
schedule a reserve. Nothing in the annual report.
Lack of balance, jerky gait, the works.
Basically, you look like you're drunk.
Roughly half a billion in revenues.
You there?
Deny.
That dumbshit wanted us to write a letter to the editor.
No way we're writing a letter.
On the other hand, if we see this is getting
picked up, we could do a press release.
Like somebody's spreading false rumors
two weeks out from the A.S.M. kind of thing.
He's calling me back.
OK.
I've been so busy, I hardly had time for lunch.
Help yourself, help yourself.
Go on.
I know I have no manners. Where were we?
We were saying it would be so much nicher
if me meet some other way.
- So this cobbler, your mother, huh?
- His mother.
It's my mother's recipe but Pen made it.
- Your mother doesn't use apples and pears.
- No.
- She's about to have an operation, poor thing.
- Really? What for?
Her knee.
She's going to get a polythylene and metallic prostheses.
She's wondering what's going to be left
of it after the cremation.
Michael, that's mean.
She doesn't want to be buried with my father.
She wants to be cremated,
And put upstate next to her mother,
who's all alone.
A couple of urns jabbering away on the
shores of Lake Sebago. [Laugh]
We're very touched by how generous you're being.
We realize how you're trying to smooth things
out here instead of making them worse.
- Please, it's the least we could do.
- Yeah.
No, come on. So many parents just take their
kid's side, acting like children themselves.
If Ethan had broken two of Zachary's teeth, I'm
thinking Alan and I might have had more of a knee-jerk reaction.
- I'm not sure we would see the big picture.
- Sure you would.
She's right. I'm not so sure.
You would. Because we all know it could have
happened the other way around.
So what does Zachary say?
How is he experiencing this?
He doesn't talk much. A little overwhelmed I guess.
But he realizes that he disfigured his schoolmate?
No. No, he doesn't realize that he disfigured
his schoolmate.
Why do you say that?
Of course Zachary realizes.
He realizes that this violent behavior is unacceptable,
not that he disfigured his schoolmate.
You don't like the word but unfortunately
the word is appropriate.
My son did not disfigure your son.
Your son disfigured our son!
Come back after school, look at his mouth and teeth.
- Momentarily disfigured.
- His mouth will be fine when the swelling goes down.
As for the teeth, if he needs it, we'd be willing
to chip in for the best dental care...
We got insurance for that.
What we want is for the boys to patch it up,
make sure nothing like this ever happens again.
- Let's set up a meeting.
- Yeah. Exactly.
- Should we be there?
- They don't need coaching. Let them work it out like men.
Like men? Alan, don't be rediculous.
On the other hand,
maybe we don't need to be there.
Maybe it's better if we weren't there, right?
The issue is not whether we are there,
whether we are not there.
The issue is, do they want to talk about this,
do they want to work this out.
- Ethan does.
- Does Zachary?
- We won't give him a choice.
- It has to come from him.
Zachary acts like a thug, we're not going to wait
around for him to see the light.
If Zachary sees Ethan in a punitive context,
because he's forced to,
I just don't see anything positive coming out of that.
Mrs. Longstreet, our son is a maniac.
If you hope he'll suddenly and spontaneously
get all apologetic, you're dreaming.
Look, I'm sorry, but I really do have
to get back to the office.
Nancy, you stay.
You'll let me know what was decided.
I'm no use to anyone anyway.
Women think you need the man,
you need the father,
like it would do any good.
I'm really sorry, but I can't stay either.
My husband has never been much of
an I'll-push-the-stroller type daddy.
That's too bad, because it goes by so fast.
Mike really liked taking care of the kids.
- You had a ball pushing that stroller.
- Yeah, sure.
So... What should we decide?
Could you come over to our place at
about 7:30, with Ethan?
- Well, if you want my opinion...
- Yes, please.
- I think Zachary should come over here.
- Yeah, I agree.
The victim shouldn't be the one
who makes the trip.
- I can't be anywhere at 7:30.
- Who needs you? You're useless, right?
- Seriously, I think it's important for his father to come.
- Not tonight!
- I'm sorry.
- Can you hear me? Can you hear me now?
There's not a word in the annual report.
But the risk wasn't officially established.
There's no proof.
Call me back.
- Tomorrow?
- Tomorrow I'm in Washington.
- You have business in Washington?
- At the Pentagon.
Look, the main thing is to get the kids to talk.
I'll come over to your place with Zachary at 7:30
and we'll let them talk it through.
What? You don't seem convinced.
If Zachary hasn't acquired
accountability skills,
They'll just glare at each other,
it will be disaster.
"Accountability skills", Mrs. Longstreet?
What are you talking about?
I'm sure your son is not a maniac.
- Zachary is not a maniac.
- Yes he is.
Alan, don't be an idiot.
Why are you saying that?
He's a maniac.
- How does he explain what he did?
- He won't talk about it.
- He should talk about it.
- That's a lot of "shoulds", Mrs. Longstreet.
He should come here, he should talk about it,
he should feel sorry...
I'm sure you're much more evolved than we are.
We're trying to get up to speed,
but in the meantime try to indulge us.
Hey come on! What happened here?
This isn't what we are all about.
- I was talking about Zachary, about him.
- I got that.
Alan!
You want some more coffee? Real coffee.
Coffee.
Thank you.
- Coffee, all right.
- It's OK, I'll get it.
I see you're an art enthusiast.
Yes.
- Bacon?
- Yes, bacon.
- Cruelty and splendor.
- Chaos. Balance.
- Is Zachary interested in art?
- Not as much as he should be.
- Your children are?
- We try to make up for the lack in the school curriculum.
We try to get them to read,
to concerts and galleries.
I really believe that culture can be
a powerful force for peace.
Yeah you're so right.
Is cobbler cake or pie?
This is an important question.
I was in the kitchen, thinking.
Why should pizza be a pie?
No deixe isto sobrar!
Have that.
Cobbler is cake. It there's no crust on
the bottom then it can't be pie.
You're a gourmet chef.
I like to cook. It's something you have to
do out of love or not at all.
The way I see it, if there's no curst on the bottom,
then it's not a pie.
How about you guys? You have other kids?
I have another son by a former marriage.
You know, I was wondering.
I know it's not important but...
Do you know what were they arguing about?
Cause Ethan won't say a word.
Ethan wouldn't let Zachary be
part of his gang.
- Ethan has a gang?
- And he called him a snitch.
Did you know that Ethan had a gang?
No. But I'm thrilled to hear it!
- Why are you thrilled?
- Cause I had one.
- I was the leader.
- So was I.
What does the leader of a gang do?
You know, you got five, six guys who like you and
they're willing to sacrifice themselves for you.
- Like in Ivanhoe.
- Exactly, like in Ivanhoe.
Who even knows Ivanhoe any more?
So it's another role model. Like Spiderman
or whoever.
Well apparently you know more about
it than we do.
Zachary wasn't quite as silent as you first said.
Why did he call him a snitch?
Forget it, silly question, right?
What's the point? No one care.
We're not going to get into these
children's quarrels.
- It's none of our business.
- Right.
What is our business is this unfortunate incident.
Violence is our business.
When I was the leader,
I beat up Jimmy Leach in a fair fight
and he was bigger than me.
- What does that do with anything, Michael?
- No, nothing.
This is not a fair fight, these boys weren't fighting.
- Right, I was just remembering something.
- It's not very different.
- Excuse me, I'm sorry there's a difference.
- There's a difference.
What's the difference?
Jimmy Leach and me, we agreed to fight.
- Did you mess him up?
- A little.
Enough about Jimmy Leach.
- Do you mind if I talked to Zachary?
- Of course not.
- I would not do it without your permission.
- No, talk to him. That's completely fine with us.
- And good luck with that.
- Stop it.
Why did you say that?
- Mrs. Longstreet...
- Penelope. I think we'll do better if we're
on a first name basis.
- Penelope, you're acting on a desire to educate...
- I won't talk to him if you don't want me to.
Go ahead, talk to him, lecture him,
do whatever you want.
I don't understand how you
feel so uninvolved here.
- Mrs. Longstreet...
- Penelope.
Penelope, I'm very involved here.
- My son injured another child...
- Deliberately.
See, that's the kind of thing that irks me.
We know deliberately.
That's what makes all the difference.
The difference between what and what?
We're only talking about one thing here.
Our kid picked up a stick and hit your kid.
That's why we're here, right?
- Fruitless.
- Right, she's right. This kind of talk is fruitless.
Why do you feel you need to slip in the word
deliberately? What kind of lesson are you
trying to teach me?
All right, this is getting silly.
My husband is all stressed out over work stuff.
I'll come back here tonight with Zachary and
we'll let them work it out naturally.
- I'm not stressed out in the least.
- Well I am.
- There's no reason to be stressed out.
- Yes, there is.
Yeah.
Well, no comment...No comment.
No comment!
What? If you recall it, you're admitting liability!
Recalling Antril would be admitting your liability!
Christmas time in the school play...
- What did Zachary play? Zachary played...
- Ebenezer Scrooge.
- [Alan] accused of accounting irregularities...
- Ebenezer Scrooge, right.
If you want them to haul you out of
the meeting in handcuffs two weeks from now...
Michael, do you remember he played Scrooge?
- Sure.
- He was wonderful.
With that night bonnet. He was very funny.
Let's talk about it, what about the victims
after the stockholders' meeting...
What did Ethan play, he played the...
We can't recall a drug because three
guys can't walk a straight line!
For the time being, don't make a move.
All right, call you right back.
They're in panic mode. They have the media
breathing down their necks.
All right.
I want a release thant doesn't
sound defensive at all.
Just the opposite. Go for the jugular.
Something like: "TW Pharma is a target."
"Attempt at manipulation of the stock two
weeks before the stockholders' meeting."
" Where did this study come from anyway?"
"How does this suddenly drop out of a clear blue
sky", etcetera.
Not one word about the health issue.
Just one question:
Who is behind the study? Who?
Fine.
As empresas farmacuticas
so bem difceis de manter.
Profit, profit, profit.
Nobody said you should listen to my conversation.
Nobody said you should have it under my nose.
I'm totally forced to have it here.
Against my will, believe me.
They just peddle this shit, right?
No one is responsible.
In any therapeutic advance there are
benefits and there are risks.
Yeah, I know. Still you got some funny line of work.
- What does that mean?
- Michael, it's none of our business.
- Funny line of work.
- What about you, what do you do?
- I got a normal job.
- What's a normal job?
- I told you, I sell pots and pans.
- And door handles.
And flush mechanisms. And lot of other stuff.
"Flush mechanisms", I like that,
That's interesting.
I find that interesting.
Flush toilets are interesting.
Why not?
- How many different kinds do you have?
- There are two basic kinds.
You got your push button and your handle operated.
- Yeah, right.
- Depends where your water line is.
- I see.
- It either comes from the side near the top,
or it comes from the bottom.
One of my store managers is an expert.
I could introduce you if you want.
But you'll have to hump it out to Jamaica, Queens.
You seem like you know your business pretty well.
Are you planning to sanction Zachary in any way?
Depois discutem sobre tubulao.
- I don't feel well.
- What's the matter, are you all right?
- Oh you do look pale honey.
- You're all white, yeah.
- Nauseous.
- Some Reglan, you get some Reglan?
- No. I'll be fine.
- Coke. What you need is a coke.
It's not cold.
- It's not cold.
- Thank you.
Just little sips.
The coke wasn't in the refrigerator.
Have him call me back.
Tell him right away.
Is Coke good for that?
It's more for diarrhea, isn't it?
No, not only. Better?
I think so.
Mrs. Longstreet...
If we decide to reprimand our child, we'll do
it in our own way and on our own terms.
- Absolutely.
- What absolutely?
He's their kid, they're free to do as they see fit.
- I don't agree.
- You don't agree about what, Penny?
- They're not free.
- Is that right? Go on.
But don't forget, nothing has been proven here,
nothing is certain.
Don't fuck this up.
If we don't get this right, Walter will be
out on his ear in two weeks, and so will we.
Enough, Alan! Enough with the cell phone already!
The here and now, god dammit!
Call me back and read it to me.
What the hell is wrong with you?
Screaming at me like that!
- Dennis heard every word!
- Good! I'm sick of that fucking cell phone,
every minute of every day!
Listen Nancy, you should be thanking me
for agreeing to come here...
Really?
- I'm going to throw up.
- No you're not.
- I am.
- You want to use the bathroom?
- Nobody's forcing you to stay...
- She's right, nobody's forcing you to stay.
- I'm dizzy.
- Stare at a point in space. Stare at a point in space.
- Hey, you can see part of the EL from here. Cool!
- Get away from me. Leave me alone.
- Should she go to the bathroom?
- Go to the bathroom if you have to throw up.
- Give her some Reglan.
- It can't be the cobbler, can it?
- No, I made it yesterday.
- Don't touch me!
- Take it easy, Doodle.
- Come on, don't get all bent out of shape over nothing.
My husband feels that anything to do with the
house, the school, the backyard,
- ...is my domain.
- I do not.
You do so. And I can understand why.
It's all so excruciatingly boring.
It's excruciating.
If it's so excruciating, why do you have
children in the first place?
Maybe Zachary picks up on that lack of interest.
- What lack of interest?!
- You just said it yourself!
Go get a bucket, go get a bucket!
That stupid bitch.
You should have gone to the bathroom.
Doodle, this is rediculous.
- Your suit took a hit.
- What?
- It can't be the cobbler. That much I know.
- It's not the cobbler, it's nerves. This is just nerves.
You want to clean up in the bathroom?
Oh my god, my Kokoschka.
- Give her some Reglan.
- She couldn't keep anything down right now.
Where's the bathroom?
I'll show you.
This is nerves, just nerves.
Thank you.
Like I always say, you can't get over
something when you're under it.
With me it's the back of my neck.
Gets all blocked up right here.
- What do we do about the Kokoschka?
- We can clean it.
Try Lysol. Only problem is drying it. Or else with
plain water and you put some cologne on there.
- Cologne?
- I got some of that Kronos I never use.
The paper will warp.
We'll blow-dry it, then put some books on top
then flatten it out. Maybe iron it like dollar bills.
Maybe iron it like dollar bills.
- Oh God!
- I'll buy you another one.
There's no other one. It's been out of print for years.
- I'm so sorry.
- We can save it.
Pen, let me do this.
It's a reprint from the catalog of
the 1963 show in London.
Go get the blow-dryer and the cologne.
It's in the bathroom cabinet.
- Her husband is in the bathroom!
- He's not in the can!
I got most of it off. Little bit on the Dolgans...
Excuse me!
- Are you feeling better?
- Yeah.
- Should I spray?
- Where's the blow-dryer?
He's drying his pants.
Well, we'll wait. We'll put the Kouros on there last.
- Can I use the bathroom too?
- Yes, of course. Of course.
I don't know what to say...
I am so sorry.
Bring the blow-dryer please.
God!
Unbelievable!
Un-fucking-believable.
- Her cobbler is horrible.
- You stuffed your face!
Look at my day. I have to get
some food in me some time.
- Oh God.
- What a freaking nightmare!
He better watch it, he's got me
right on the edge.
- She's horrible!
- Less.
She's so fake.
- She doesn't bother me that much.
- They're both horrible.
Why do you take their side all the time?
- Sorry.
- I don't take their side. What's that supposed to mean?
What the hell are we doing here?
- I hope you're kidding.
- Why do you argue with her?
We'd have been out of here a long time
ago if you didn't bicker over every word.
You'd rather I was a sheep, like her husband?
- You think it was the cobbler?
- Of course it was.
A little warm coke and... Bang!
Fuck!
You mitigate. You're trying to reconcile everything.
- I'm not!
- You are.
You had your gang and you were the leader,
and they can do whatever they want with their son.
Their son is a threat to homeland security.
When a kid is a menace to society
it's everybody's business.
I can't believe she barfed all over my books!
When you know you're going to toss your
cookies, you take precautions.
Oh, the Foujita! Disgusting...
I was right on the edge with that
toilet flushing shit.
- You were incredible.
- I held my own, right?
Incredible. "Jamaica, Queens", that was genius.
- Little piece of shit. What does he call her again?
- Doodle.
- Doodle...
- Doodle!
Yeah, I call her Doodle.
Oh, I'm sorry. We didn't mean anything.
It's just so easy to make fun of other
people's pet names.
Michael, what do we call each other?
I'm sure it's worse, right?
- Here, you want the blow-dryer.
- Thanks.
We call each other darjeeling, like the tea.
A lot more embarrassing if you ask me.
- How's she feeling, is she feeling better?
- Yeah, better.
I reacted badly. I'm ashamed.
I made a big deal about the catalog.
I didn't really know why I did that.
You get so absurdly attached to these things,
you don't even know why really.
- Pull it taut.
- Hold on at the other side.
I know I got it, just pull it taut.
- The corners are wet.
- I know, I get the corners.
- It's gonna tear.
- He's right, it gonna tear.
- Here.
- It's dry now.
You put colognes right now and I finish those.
- What does Doodle come from?
- Sorry.
Yankee Doodle? Cheese Doodle?
No, it's a song from Guys and Dolls
that goes, "Doodle oodle oodle oo."
Oh yeah, I know that one.
Ours is from our honeynoon in India.
I called her darjeeling instead of darling.
So stupid.
- Should I go check on her?
- Go ahead, darjeeling.
Nancy!
I was worried about you, all better?
Yeah, better, I think so.
If you're not sure, stay away from the coffee table.
I left the towel in the bathtub.
I didn't know where to put it.
Perfect.
You cleaned up? I'm so sorry.
Everything is fine. All is well.
I'm sorry, I wasn't there for you.
I was so focused on my Kokoschka.
That's all right.
- No, I behaved poorly.
- Please.
In the bathroom I was thinking.
Yes?
Maybe we glossed over the...
- Well I mean...
- What? What is it?
- Name-calling is a kind of abuse.
- Sure.
- Depends.
- Right, depends.
Zachary has never been a violent child.
He must have his reasons.
Like getting called a snitch. Excuse me.
Yeah, Walter.
As long as there are no victims on the panel.
No victims. I don't want you sitting down with victims.
Deny, deny, deny. If we have to,
we'll sue the Journal.
We'll e-mail you the draft of the press release,
Walter, I'm sorry I got to go.
Call me a snitch, it gets a rise out of me.
- Unless it's ture.
- What?
You know, the shoe fits.
- You think my son is a snitch?
- Come on, joking around.
- So is yours anyway.
- What do you mean so is ours?
- He snitched on Zachary.
- We coaxed it out of him.
- We're completely off point here.
- Maybe you coaxed, but he did snitch on him.
- Nancy...
- Nancy what?
- You think my son is a snitch?
- I don't think anything.
Well if you don't think anything, don't say anything.
Don't make insinuations.
Nancy, there's no reason to lose our cool here.
Michael and I have gone out of our way
to be fair-minded and conciliating...
- Not so fair-minded.
- Oh, really?
- Superficially fair-minded.
- Doodle, I have to go.
So go, coward.
Nancy, right now I'm in danger of
losing my most important client.
So this caring parent crap and the brickering
that goes along with it...
- My son lost two teeth. Two incisors.
- Yeah, right, we got that.
- One of them permanently.
- He'll get new teeth.
Better ones! No one chewed his ear off!
It was a mistake not to consider the
source of the problem.
There is no source. There's an 11-year-old
kid who hits people, with a stick!
- Armed with a stick.
- We took that word out.
- You took it out because we asked you to.
- We took it out without argument.
A word which deliberately establishes intent
and excludes any hint of a misunderstanding.
Which excludes childhood.
- I don't think I can stand this tone any more.
- We're not quite on the same page, you and I. Right from the start.
Mr. Cowan, it is incredibly frustrating
to be continued upbraided
For something we ourselves admitted was a mistake.
Like the word "armed" wasn't right,
we took it out.
Strictly speaking, it certainly applies.
Zachary was verbally abused and over reacted.
If I'm attacked, I defend myself.
Especially when I'm all alone against a whole gang.
Well, you've certainly perked up since
you tossed your cookies.
Do you realize how crude that is?
We're all decent people. All four of us.
How do we get all carried away, losing
our tempers? It's totally unnecessary.
Michael, stop, stop metigating.
We're only superficially fair-minded,
why should we be fair-minded at all?
- I'm not going to be led down that path.
- What path?
The path those two little shits led us down!
All right?
- I'm afraid Pen doesn't see things that way...
- Penelope.
- Sorry.
- So Ethan is a shit now.
That really takes the cake.
- That's it. I really have to leave now.
- Yeah so do I.
Go, go. I give up.
Hello?
Oh, hi Ma.
No, we got some friends over but go ahead.
Yes, you just do whatever the doctors tell you to do.
Yes.
The what?
Antril? You're taking Antril... Hold on a second.
Antril? That crap of yours, is that Antril?
- My mother's taking it.
- Thousands of people take it.
Mum, you stop taking that one immediately.
You hear me? Right now.
Do what I tell you, I'll explain later.
Mum, you tell Dr. Perlstein that
I won't let you take it.
Good.
Why red?
So who can see you?
Mum, that's rediculous. Mum...
I have to call you back I told you I have company.
OK. I love you. Bye-bye.
She got red crutches so she won't hit by a truck.
In case she wanders out on the street at night.
They're giving her Antril for her blood pressure.
If she's taking it and she looks normal,
I'll take her deposition.
Didn't I have a scarf?
I don't like that attitude of yours.
If my mother has the slightest symptom, my name
will be at the top of a class-action suit.
- We'll have one anyway.
- I should hope so!
Doing the right thing is futile.
Honesty is just stupidity. All it does is weaken you.
You let your guard down.
OK, let's go Nancy. That's enough
sermons and lectures for one day.
Go ahead, go. But let me tell you this,
now that I know you two, I'm not surprised
What's his name? Zachary, may have
behaviour issues.
- When you killed that hamster...
- Killed?
- Killed.
- I killed the hamster?
Yes. You do everything you can to
make us feel guilty.
You stake out the moral highground as your own,
but you yourself are a murderer.
I definitely did not kill the hamster.
Worse. You left it out there,
Trembling with fear in a hostile environment.
That poor critter was probably eaten
by a dog or a rat.
- She's right about that.
- What do you mean she is right?
I mean it's horrible, what must have happened
to that animal!
I thought the hamster would be happy to be free.
I was sure he'd go running around in the gutter, happy as a clam!
You just left him there!
I can't touch those things, OK? I can't touch
anything of that family.
- Christ, Penny you know that!
- He's afraid of rodents.
Yeah, I have a fear of rodents.
And I have a fear of reptiles.
Anything down close to the ground, that's it, all right?
What about you? How come you didn't
go downstairs and get it?
Because I didn't know!
Michael said this morning the hamster ran away.
So I went right out, I
went all the way around the block.
I went to the basement!
Penelope, it is completely unfair that all of a sudden
I'm in the hot seat about this hamster thing.
That you just had to tell them about.
That's a family issue.
That doesn't concern anybody but us
and it's got nothing to do with this situation here!
And I can't believe I'm getting called
a murderer in my own house!
- What does your house have to do with the price of tea in China?
- My house! I opened the door!
The door is wide open in a spirit of reconciliation.
To people who should be a little grateful!
Keep right on stroking your own ego,
It's beautiful.
- So you have no remorse?
- I have no remorse.
That animal was disgusting and
I'm glad it's gone.
- Michael, that's ridiculous.
- What's rediculous?
What, have you lost your mind too?
Their son beats the shit out of Ethan and
you're in my face over a hamster?
What you did with that hamster was wrong
and you can't deny that.
- I don't give a shit about the hamster!
- You'll have to give a shit tonight when your daughter get home.
Bring her on! I'm not going to be told how to
act by a 9-year-old snotnose brat!
Now I agree with him there, one hundred percent.
- That's pathetic.
- Watch it, Penelope, watch it.
I've kept my shirt on up till now,
but you're pushing me over a line.
- And Ethan?
- What about Ethan?
- Is he sad too?
- Ethan's got other things on his plate, if you ask me.
- Ethan wasn't so attached to Nibbles.
- Nibbles?
What kind of pussy name is that anyway?
If you feel no remorse, why should our son?
You know what? All this consultation and
consideration shit.
I'm sick to death of it. We were nice to you.
We bought tulips.
My wife dressed me up as a liberal,
but the fact is I got no patience for this touchy-feely bullshit.
- And I'm a temperamental son of a bitch.
- We all are.
No, I'm sorry. We are not all
temperamental sons of bitches.
- Not you, of course.
- No, not me! Thank God!
Not you, darjee, not you.
You're so evolved. You never go off half-cocked.
- Why are you being so aggressive with me?
- I'm not being aggressive. I'm being honest.
Yes, you are being aggressive!
You put this little bash together
and I let you recruit me...
- You let me recruit you?
- Yes.
That's so disgusting.
No, it's not. You're an advocate for civilized
behavior, well that's fine with me.
Yes I'm advocate for civilized behavior, you bet
I am! And it's a good thing somebody is!
You think it's better to be a son of a bitch?
Nobody said that, nobody critisized you that!
- You did!
- We did not.
What was I supposed to do?
Was I supposed to sue you?
Never talk to you and tear you to pieces
through the insurance company?
- Stop it, Penny.
- Stop what?!
- You're blowing this all out of proportion.
- I don't care!
You do everything you can to avoid
the pettiness and you wind up
Humiliated and completely alone!
Yes, Walter.
Well, let them prove it.
Prove it!
From where I sit, the best thing for us to do...
We're born alone and we die alone!
Who wants a little Scotch?
Walter, I'm in a meeting right now.
I'll call you when I get back to the office.
That's the thing. I'm living with a
totally negative person.
- Who's negative?
- Me.
This was the worst possible idea!
We should never have had this meeting.
- I told you so.
- You told me so?
Yeah!
- You told me we should never have this meeting?
- I didn't think it was a very good idea.
- It was a good idea.
- Oh come on. Who wants a little?
You told me you think it wasn't a good idea?
- As I recall.
- As you recall!
- Maybe just a little slip.
- Don't you have to go?
At this point in the game,
I may as well have a little drink.
You tell me again we didn't
both agree on this!
Calm down, Penelope, this is going nowhere.
Who said not to touch the cobbler this morning?
Who said we should keep the rest for the
Cowan's? Who said that?!
That was very nice of you.
- What's that to do with anything?
- What do you mean what's that to do with anything?
- Guests are guests.
- You're lying, you're lying!
You know, my wife actually had to
drag me here today.
When you grow up with a certain
John Wayne idea of manhood,
The impulse in this kind of situation
is not to talk it through.
- I thought the role model was Ivanhoe.
- Same basic concept.
- Another aspect.
- Another aspect!
Just how much are you going to
humiliate yourself?
I can see I dragged hiim here for nothing.
- What did you expect, Doodle?
- That is a ridiculous nickname.
Some revelation about universal values?
This scotch is unbelievable.
See that? 18 years old, single malt, from a tiny
place in Scotland where they still grow their own barley.
What about the tulips? Who got them?
All I said was it's too bad we didn't get any tulips.
I never said anything about going all
the way up to Henry street at dawn.
Don't get all bent out of shape over this,
Penelope, It's not worth it.
He got the tulips! Him and only him!
Don't we get a drink?
Penelope and I would like a drink too.
Pretty funny when you think about it.
A devotee of Ivanhoe and John Wayne
but he's scared to pick up an itty-bitty mouse.
- Stop the hamster. Stop.
- She's right, it's laughable.
- And her?
- I don't think that will be necessary.
- Pour me a drink, Michael.
- No.
- Michael!
- No.
What is wrong with you, Michael?
Fine, fine. Drink, What does it matter?
- Is drinking bad for you or something?
- No, no, it's great for me.
Now I don't know...
- Mr. Cowan...
- Alan.
Alan...
See, you and I didn't exactly hit it off
I live with a man who has decided once and for
all that life is synonymous with mediocrity.
It's very hard to live with a man who's walled
himself up in that idea,
who doesn't want to change anything,
who never gets excited about anything...
What are you telling this for?
He could care less.
You have to believe, you have to believe
some possible correction.
He's the last guy on earth you
should be telling this to.
I'll talk to anyone I damn well please!
Who the fuck is that now?
Mother
Hi, Ma.
He's fine. He got his teeth knocked out
but he's fine.
He's in pain, it hurts, it'll pass.
Ma, I told you I have company.
I'll call you back, remember?
Yeah, bye.
- He's still in pain?
- No.
- Then why do you worry your mother?
- He has to worry, he can't help himself.
Ok, Penelope, that's enough.
What is this drama queen bullshit?
Penelope, nobody cares about anything
outside himself.
Sure, we'd all like to believe in
some kind of possible correction,
One we could author ourselves,
completely free of selfish consideration.
Like you're writing this book about Darfur...
Which is great!
I understand how you might say,
OK, I'll pick a massacre,
History is full of them, and I'm going to write a book.
Everybody has to save himself somehow.
I'm not writing this book to save myself.
You haven't read it, you don't even
know what's in it!
Whatever.
The smell of Kronos is killing me.
- It fucking reeks!
- You didn't exactly skimp.
- I'm so sorry.
- It's my fault. I sprayed like a madwoman.
Why can't things be easier?
Why does everything have to be so exhausting?
You think too much. Women think too much.
There's an original response?
I don't know what that means, to think too much.
And I don't understand how you can go
on living without some moral sense of the world.
Look at me, I'm living!
Michael, shut up.
Miserable complicity! Just disgusting.
- What happened to your sense of humor?
- I don't have a sense of humor, and I don't want one.
If you ask me, the couple is the most terrible
ordeal God ever inflicted on us.
Ah, marvelous.
- The couple and the family.
- No one is forcing you to air this out in front of us, Michael.
And I might add, it's a little indecent.
- That doesn't bother him.
- You agree with me, don't you?
Look, this is all, beside the point.
- Alan, say something.
- He has a right to his ideas.
- That doesn't mean he has to advertise them.
- Yeah, maybe.
We don't care about their marriage.
We're here about a problem with the kids.
We don't care about their marriage.
- Yes, except...
- Except what?
- It's related.
- Of course it's related.
Ethan's getting two of his teeth broken
is related to our marriage?
- Of course it is.
- Sorry I don't follow you.
Take a step back and look at the situation we're in.
Chrldren suck the life out of you and leave us
old and empty. It's the law of nature.
You see these young couples,
laughing all the way to the alter.
You think they don't know.
Poor fuckers have no idea.
They're happy. Nobody tells y
ou this stuff in the beginning.
I get this army buddy of mine is going
to have a kid with his new girlfriend.
I say to him, "A kid at our age?
what are you stupid?"
"You got ten, fifteen good years left before
you get cancer or have a stroke,"
"and you're gonna saddle yourself
with a fucking kid?"
- That's not really what you think.
- Yes it is.
- Of course it's what I think, even worse.
- Yeah, you're debasing yourself, Michael.
Is that right?
Stop crying, Penelope. Makes it worse.
Of course, of course.
- Excellent, isn't it?
- So excellent.
- Could I interest you in a cigar?
- No cigars in the house!
- Too bad.
- Were you going to smoke a cigar now, Alan?
I do what I want, Nancy. If I want
to smoke a cigar, I smoke a cigar.
I won't smoke it because I don't
want to upset Penelope,
Who's already on edge, to put it mildly.
Oh, quit snuffling like that, she's right.
When women cry, men are pushing
to their breaking point.
Although unfortunately, I must say that Michael's
point of view is completely justified.
Yeah.
Yeah, sure, go ahead.
Put "New York" and a specific time of day.
It's unbearable!
The time you send it. It has to be
hot off the press.
No, not "questions". "Deplores".
Questions is wishy-washy.
I live with this night and day.
- One second.
- Our lives are chopped up by the cell phone.
- Nancy, this is very important.
- It's always very important.
What's happening somewhere
else is always more important.
Not "strategy". "Scheme". A scheme surfacing
two weeks from the company's posting.
In the street. At the dinner table. Everywhere.
"A study" in quotes. Put the word
"study" in quotes.
I don't even protest anymore.
Unconditional surrender.
- I feel like I'm going to vomit again.
- Where's that bucket?
How am I supposed to know?
Then just quote me.
- Can you stand over the bucket please?
- Pen!
It's all right. We're set up to handle this now.
...according to TW Pharma attorney
Alan Cowan.
AP, Reuters, major newspapers,
trade journals, the whole shebang.
-What's wrong?
- She's gonna throw up again.
- You're so caring, it's touching.
- I'm worried.
I didn't get that, my mistake.
Oh come on Nancy, will you?
You and I don't have to do this.
Their marriage is going downhill, we don't
have to try to compete with them.
What gives you the right to say our marriage
is going downhill?
What gives you the right?
Yeah, Walter.
Yeah, I just had it read back.
They're sending it over to you.
Manipulation. Manipulation of the stock price.
Walter, I'll call you back in a minute.
- I didn't say it. Steven did.
- Michael.
- I won't let you judge our family.
- Then don't judge our son either.
That's different! Your son brutalized our son!
They're young, they're kids,
kids roughhouse in the playground.
Always have always will, it's a rule of nature.
- No it isn't!
- Sure it is.
It takes a little education to substitute
the rule of law for violence.
The origin of law, of course you know,
is brute force.
Maybe for cavemen, not in this world.
- Tell me about this world!
- Boring! This conversation is boring.
Penelope, I believe in the god of carnage.
The god whose rule has been
unchallenged since time immemorial.
You're interested in Africa, right?
- What's the matter?
- Don't worry about me.
- Nancy!
- I'm just fine.
See, I just got back from the Congo. They got
kids there, trained to kill at the age of eight.
In the course of their childhood, they might
kill hundreds of people.
They'll kill with a machete, a shotgun,
a Kalash, a thumper.
So obviously when my kid busts some other
kid's tooth, even two teeth,
with a bamboo switch by the sandbox,
I'm not quite as shocked and indignant as you are.
- Well you should be.
- Thumper.
- Yes, that's why they call a grenade launcher.
- That's what I call it.
- You all right?
- Just fine.
- What's wrong with her?
- It's bile, nothing.
Don't you tell me about Africa! I know
all about suffering in Africa.
I don't doubt it.
That's all I've been thinking about for months!
Don't get her started on this, please!
- You know I'm actually starting to like you.
- Shut up!
- Talk about commitment to world peace and stability.
- Shut the fuck up, Michael!
- You sure about that?
- Very sure. Do me some good.
We live in New York. We don't live in Kinshasa!
We live in New York City!
With the customs of western society.
What happens in a Brooklyn playground is
about western values!
To which, like it or not, I happen to subscribe.
Beating your husband must be one of
those customs then...
- I'm warning you, Michael!
- She was all over you like a bad rash!
- If I were you it would melt my heart.
- He's making fun of you, do you believe it?
I don't care about this...
No, really. Morally, we're supposed to overcome
our impulses but there are times you don't want to overcome them.
I mean, who wants to say a
"Hail Mary" when having sex?
- Can you buy this scotch around here?
- No, this very likely no.
Thumper!
- Thumper, really.
- Yeah. Thumper.
So it is called.
- Why don't you just say grenade launcher?
- Because it's a term.
Just like they say "kalash" and not
Kalashnikov or AK-47.
- Who is they?
- That's enough, Nancy, that's enough.
Hotshot firebrands like my husband,
you got to understand,
It's hard for them to get excited
about what happens down the block.
Exactly.
I don't see why. I don't see why.
We're all citizens of the world. I don't see
why we shouldn't have some sense of community.
Penelope, enough for the highfalutin clap trap!
I'm gonna kill him.
Yeah.
She's right! It's unbearable after a while.
"Brazen". a brazen attempt to...
There you go.
He sighed off the rest?
Sure.
What were we talking about? Thumpers?
We were saying that, dispite my husband thinks,
Whether it happens here or other parts of the world,
we must be collectively concerned.
"Collectively concerned". Nancy, it's
absurd to drink in your condition.
What condition? I'm perfect.
That's interesting... Yeah?
No, no interviews before we get this release out.
Mr. Cowan, would you please put an end to
this nerve-racking conversation?
No way. The stockholders won't give a shit.
The stockholders...
Nancy what are you...
Are you out of your fucking mind?
- There.
- Shit!
- Oh my god.
- Way to go!
- The blow-dryer!
- What is wrong with you?
I can't believe this! I got everything in there.
It's brand new, I spent hours setting it up!
I can't believe you did that.
That was an irresponsible thing to do.
My whole life was in there!
His whole life...
Take out the battery and SIM card.
How to do that?
I just got it, I don't know!
They thikn it's funny, they think it's funny!
Penelope, it's not funny!
My husband has spent the entire
afternoot drying thing!
- Forget it. It's over.
- You gotta wait.
You want to use the phone?
I must say...
What...What must you say, Michael?
No, I don't even know what to say.
I'd say it feels better like this, wouldn't you?
Men get so attached to their toys.
It diminishes them.
They lose their credibility.
I liked this guy once and then I saw him carrying
this rectangular bag. But with a shoulder strap.
A man's bag, but with a shoulder strap!
It was over!
A bag with a shoulder strap, that's the worst.
But the cell phone always at his
fingertips is the worst, too.
A man should have both hands free.
I've got a John Wayne idea of manhood, too.
What was it he had? A Colt '45.
Something that empties a room...
Any man that doesn't give off those loner vibes
just doesn't come off as having any substance...
So Michael, I guess you are happy now.
Our touchy-feely-whatever you said-
is coming apart at the seams.
But you know what?
This almost feels good. In my opinion.
Yeah, well in my opinion, some people can hold
their liquor better than others.
- I'm as normal as I can be.
- Yeah, right.
I'm beginning to see things
with a pleasant serenity.
That's good! "A pleasant serenity"!
I can't understand why you're wasting yourself,
right out in the open, darjeeling.
- Shut the hell up.
- Alan, relax.
- No cigars in the house!
- Hoyo de Monterrey.
Partagas D number4, you got
your Hoyo Coronation.
- Where did you get these?
- You don't want to know.
- Seriously.
- The Spanish connection.
My cookware guy. His best friend is going with a flight
attendant. Brings in like two boxes a week.
You can't smoke in a house with an asthmatic child!
And why are you telling him your whole life story?
- Who has asthma?
- Our son.
- We had a goddamn hamster, didn't we?
- It's true that pets aren't good when you're asthmatic.
- Not good at all!
- Even goldfish aren't necessarily recommended.
Do I have to listen to this crap?
I guess I'm the only one who
doesn't see things with pleasant serendity.
The truth is, I've never been so unhappy.
Unhappiest day of my life.
You're an unhappy drunk.
Michael, every word out of your mouth just slays me.
I don't get drunk.
I had a sip of your shitty 18-year old single malt...
that you trot out like it's the 18 wonder of the world.
I don't get drunk, and believe me I wish I could.
It would be such a relief to drown every
little sorrow in a good stiff drink.
My husband is unhappy, too.
Look at him. All hunched over.
Like he was left on the side of the road.
I think this is the unhappiest day
of his life, too.
- It is!
- I'm sorry, Doodle.
Hello?
Hello?
Mum! I told you I have company, remember?
Because it's medication thant can
kill you! It's poison!
Mum, someone here who can explain.
- Here! Tell her!
- Tell her what?
Tell her what you know about that
poison shit of yours.
What can he tell her?
He doesn't know anything.
Hello, ma'am, how are you?
No...
Are you in pain?
Yeah...the operation will fix that.
The other leg too, huh?
No, I'm not an orthopedist.
She keeps calling me doctor.
Doctor, what a laugh! Hang up!
Yeah!
Do you have any balance issues?
No, of course not, not at all.
It can't kill you.
Don't listen to what people say.
It's probably a good idea not
to take it for a while.
Just until this operation is behind you.
Yes, sounds like you're in excellent shape.
You got that Ma? You stop
taking that medication!
Do as a told, all right? I love you.
I can't take her anymore.
- The shit I put up with.
- All right, should we wrap this up?
Should I come back tonight with Zachary?
Let's decide.
This is getting to be like, who cares?
That is what we're here for, after all.
Now I'm going to be sick.
Where's that bucket?
That's enough!
I'd say both sides share the blame.
There you are, both sides share the blame.
- Are you serious?
- Excuse me?
- That's what you really think?
- It's what I think, yes.
My son Ethan, who took codeine last night
at three in the morning, he shares the blame?
He's not necessarily innocent.
Get out my house. Get the fuck out of my house!
My bag!
What is going on here?
They're totally lost it.
- Alan, do something!
- "Alan, do something"~~
Shut your mouth! She broke my make-up
mirror and my perfume!
Stand up for me. Why don't you stand up for me?
- Let's go, Nancy.
- It's not like I'm strangling her!
- What did I do to you?
- The blame is not shared!
The victim and the criminal are not the same!
- The criminal?!
- Oh give it a fucking rest, Penelope!
Enough of these idealistic theories shit!
- Which I believe in.
- You believe, you believe!
This crush you got on these Sudan sambos is
spilling over into everything now!
I am horrified. How can you be so
openly despicable?
Because I feel like it.
I feel like being openly despicable.
One day you'll understand the sheer horror
of what's happening in that part of the world,
And you'll be ashamed of you inability to take
action, of your contemptibly nihilistic attitude.
Yes, darjeeling, you're so wonderful!
- You're the best and the brightest!
- Yes I am! Yes I am!
Let's get out of here Alan.
These people are monsters.
- Stop it, Nancy.
- No, no. I want to drink some more.
I want to get drunk off my ass.
This bitch throws my bag against a wall
and nobody lifts a finger.
- I want to be blink drunk!
- You're drunk enough.
How can you let her call our son a criminal?
We came over here to work things out...
They insult us, browbeat us, they lecture us
about being good citizens of the planet.
I'm glad our son kicked the shit out of your son,
And I wipe my ass with your human rights!
A little booze and bang!
Her true self comes out.
What happened to that gracious,
demure woman with the soft eyes...
- I told you, I told you!
- What did you tell him?
That she was fake. This women is totally fake.
I'm sorry.
- When exactly did you say that?
- When you were drying your pants!
You had known her 15 minutes and
you already knew she was a fake?
- I pick up on these things in people very quickly.
- She does.
- I just have a nose for it.
- Fake, what does that mean?
I don't want to listen to this.
Why do you put me through this, Alan?
Relax, Nancy...
She's a complete phony.
She doesn't care any more than you do.
It's true.
- He said it's true.
- They don't give a shit!
It's obvious from the beginning,
they don't give a shit.
- She doesn't give a shit either.
- Like you do?
Let him talk, honey. Explain to me, Michael,
exactly how you care.
What does that mean anyway? You're more
credible when you're being openly despicable.
Truth is, nobody here cares.
Except maybe Penelope.
One must acknowledge her integrity.
I don't need your acknowledgment!
I don't need your acknowledgment!
But I do care. I really do care.
Yes Doodle we care in a hysterical way,
Not like heroic figures of a social movement.
I saw your friend Jane Fonda
on TV the other day.
Made me want to run out and buy
a Ku Klux Klan poster.
My friend Jane Fonda?
What the hell does that mean?
You're the same breed. You're the same kind
of involved, problem-solver woman.
Those are not the women we like.
The women we like are sensual,
crazy, shot full of hormones.
The gatekeepers of the world, the ones
who want to show off how perceptive they are,
Huge turnoff.
Even poor Michael, your own husband is turned off...
Don't you speak for me.
We don't give a shit about what women you like!
Where do you get off spouting these opinions?
You're one man whose opinions we
don't give a shit about!
She is screaming.
A quartermaster on a slave ship.
What about her? She doesn't scream? She didn't just
scream that your little asshole was right to beat up ours?
He was right!
At least our kid isn't a little wimpy-ass faggot!
Yours is a fucking snitch!
Let's go Alan, why are we still in this house?
Here, this is what I think of these stupid tulips!
Your hideous flowers!
Worst day of my life, too.
- THE END -