Carrie Pilby (2016) Movie Script
Here's a surprise.
Guess who's not coming
to Thanksgiving?
Your dad?
He's such a hypocrite.
I hate hypocrites.
I'm sorry.
Is this for me?
I figured you'd have
more use for it than I will.
Right.
Thanks.
I swear to God.
The man is incapable
of keeping a promise.
What was his reason?
You tell me.
He's your friend.
- Carrie--
- He said he has to, um,
stay in London.
Why would anyone choose
to stay in London?
London's awful.
When's the last time
you were in London?
When I was 12.
When your mom was sick?
Don't do that.
Do what?
Make associations
in your head.
I don't like London
because it is cold,
it is repressed.
And everyone
looks like they've smoked
too many cigarettes.
Did you make any friends
this week?
You and I both know
there's a perfectly
good reason
I don't have any friends.
So, what
did you do this week?
What I normally do.
- Reading?
- Mostly.
And how many books
did you read?
Seventeen.
And does reading
17 books in one week
seem normal to you?
No, no, of course
it's not normal.
I mean, does skipping
three grades of school
seem normal?
Does going to Harvard
at the age of 14 seem normal?
I'm clearly not normal.
I thought we'd established
that was the problem.
Carrie, I want you to do
something for me.
What?
You and I
are going to come up with
a list of goals
you're going to achieve
between now
and the end of the year.
So, for our next session,
I want you to think about
some of the things
you'd like to have
on that list.
Things you've done
in your life and enjoyed.
What kind of things
do you expect me
to put on this list?
For example,
join a club.
Why should I force myself
to go out and meet people
who have lowered
their moral, ethical,
and intellectual standards
in order to fit in
with other people
who have low moral, ethical,
and intellectual standards?
You're such a contrarian.
No, I'm not.
( chuckles )
( snickers )
A little helpful advice.
One,
try to stop pontificating
and rubbing
your exceptionally high IQ
in people's noses.
Two, give humanity
a chance.
Someone
might surprise you.
Time's up.
Carrie, wait.
You were quite late,
so I don't mind
going a couple
of minutes over.
I do.
I'm actually in the middle
of reading
Foucault's
"Archeology of Knowledge."
I highly recommend it,
by the way.
And, if you
speak to my dad,
please give him
the message
that I don't accept
his excuses or his apologies
and that hiring me
a therapist
is no more
a satisfactory replacement
for an actual parent,
than sending me
off to college
at an inappropriately
young age.
Sorry for being, um--
I completely understand.
Happy Thanksgiving.
You too.
Hey, Carrie.
What's up?
Hi, Ronald.
- Do you need a menu?
- Oh, sure.
Someone still
buys DVDs, huh?
Someone still does, yeah.
And you know what?
I have never had to wait
for the movie to load
halfway through the film.
I'll have the soup.
Yeah, sure.
- Hi, there.
- Hi.
Look, before you launch
into your moves or whatever,
I just want you to know
that I'm not really
in the right frame of mind
to make flirty chitchat
with a total stranger.
Even though, admittedly,
you're quite a cute one.
But I've just--
dealing with being let down
by my dad--
not for the first time.
And I've just had
a really tough session
with my therapist.
- Um--
- I'm sorry.
I just wanted to know
if I can borrow this chair.
Oh, definitely.
Yes.
Take it.
Knock yourself out!
Not with the...
chair.
( bell jingles )
Girl:
Hey!
Do you want me
to pack this to go?
Yes!
Please, yes.
( woman speaking on TV )
( didgeridoo drones )
What the hell is that?
Yo! World music guy!
- Hey!
- Can you go
and hold your one-man
aborigine festival thing
somewhere else?
Like Australia?
Sure.
( ringtone plays )
Hi, Dad.
Dad:
Hello, darling,
how are you?
Got your message.
You're not coming
for Thanksgiving.
Shocker.
Dad:
So sorry, darling.
I really thought
I could swing it,
but I just
can't get away.
It's such
an American thing anyways.
I promise I'll be there
for Christmas.
Well,
it would have been nice
to have a bit
more notice.
But listen,
I do have good news.
I've found you a job
at the law firm
of a friend of mine.
In what world
is that good news?
If anything,
that is very, very bad news.
But it'll be good
for you.
Well, I'm still four years
ahead of my peers.
Do you want me
to be maladjusted?
It'll be easy,
I promise.
It's a night job,
proofreading legal briefs.
You love reading.
Not proofreading,
and certainly not
legal briefs.
Well, at least
it'll be quiet.
You won't have
to talk to a soul
if you don't want to.
If you have a better offer,
by all means.
What happened
to "Take some time"?
Well, it has
been a year, darling.
And to be
absolutely honest,
it would really help
if you could
bring something to the table,
so to speak.
Isn't there
some other way?
You could get a roommate
instead if you prefer.
Okay, fine.
I'll take the job.
( "Morning"
by Edvard Grieg plays )
( elevator bell dings )
( phones ringing )
Hello?
( phone ringing continues )
- What you listening to?
- Hmm?
Wait, isn't that
from Bugs Bunny?
It's "Morning."
"Peer Gynt," Edvard Grieg.
I'm pretty sure that's from
one of the "Looney Tunes."
Who are you?
- Douglas.
- Do you work here?
No, I just didn't
have anyone
to spend
Thanksgiving with,
so I've been wandering
around the building
hoping to find someone
to share my turducken.
- ( chuckles )
- Right.
I'm kidding.
You're Carrie Pilby,
right?
I might be.
Sometimes when the documents
get copied and/or faxed,
the periods end up
looking like commas.
And the "Hs" end up
looking like "Ks,"
You know,
that sort of thing.
No wonder lawyers
charge 400 bucks an hour,
they pay people
to play "Concentration."
Oh, no. I'm sorry.
Douglas got to you first.
I always try to get
to the new people
before he does,
but he's quick as lighting.
Ooh.
I'm Tara.
Carrie.
I wish
I could say he's more
the exception
to the rule,
but what can I tell you?
This job attracts
a strange breed.
Clearly.
( phone rings )
( chuckles )
You're gonna fit in
just fine.
Holidays are a drag, huh?
For some people, yes.
What did you do for yours?
Nothing.
Just--
just went to work.
What?
You got a job?
Well, my dad
got it for me.
Kind of
a consolation prize
for not coming
to Thanksgiving.
But I didn't have
to eat any dry turkey
or talk to anyone.
Wonderful.
So, how's it going
with the list?
What list?
The list we talked
about last time.
I have no recollection
of this list.
You've got
a photographic memory.
- It's selective.
- Excuse.
I've been very busy.
Excuse.
I haven't had time to--
- Excuse!
- Stop saying--
Excuse.
Well, not to worry.
I made one for you.
Go on, read it.
"Go on a date."
( laughs )
"Make a friend.
Spend New Year's Eve
with someone.
Get a pet."
It'll help to have something
to care for.
Keep going.
"Do something
you loved as a child."
Like what?
Well,
it could be anything.
What did you do
when you were six
that you don't do anymore?
I wrote several
strongly-worded letters
to oil companies
when I was six.
Wow, okay.
How about an indulgence
that you no longer
allow yourself?
I used to love
drinking cherry soda.
Excellent,
there you go.
Great, I'll drink
a cherry soda
and all my problems
will just disappear.
What's next?
"Read favorite book."
Ah!
Do you have one?
Yeah, "Franny and Zooey,"
Salinger.
But I don't have it.
I lent it to someone.
Can you get it back?
I don't know.
Well, look, just try.
See how it goes,
do what you can,
one at a time.
Why do you want me
to do this so much?
Because staying
at home in bed all day
won't make you happy.
You need to get out
and meet people,
begin some
meaningful relationships.
Maybe if you
put yourself out there,
doing things you enjoy...
( keyboard clacking )
Hmm, "Franny and Zooey,"
one of my favorites.
You've got good taste.
Well, welcome
to English 303,
the Modernists.
I'm Professor Harrison,
and you are a bunch of kids
who think you already
know everything
but haven't even
got a clue
about what life
is really like
beyond the ivy walls.
It's banal,
nauseating carousel
of responsibility
and disappointments,
one after another.
But, my sweater
is soft and the rain
streaking down
the window is kinda lovely,
so I guess I won't
off myself just yet.
( students chuckling )
The Modernists,
especially Joyce and Wolff
were very big
on stream of consciousness
techniques
in their novels,
and you just got
your first lesson in it.
Would anyone
like to give it a try?
Say whatever
pops into your mind.
"Franny and Zooey,"
how about you?
Oh, I wouldn't know
what to say.
It's not difficult.
You just start
with your name,
where you're from,
kinda go from there.
My name's Carrie Pilby,
I-- well I was born in London
but I moved to New York
when I was 12
just after my mom died.
I guess I shouldn't
have said that,
'cause now everyone's
feeling weird
about the girl
whose mom died.
Like I'm Antigone
or Harry Potter,
or Bambi or something.
But I'm not a Greek tragedy
or a wizard.
( chuckling continues )
And if I was a character
in a movie,
I'd like to be
Katherine Hepburn,
preferably in a movie
where she gives
Spencer Tracy
a run for his money.
But I can tell
I'm boring you now.
And this is hard,
harder than skipping
fourth and eighth grade.
But not as hard
as skipping second grade,
because going
from pencil to pen
- was pretty abrupt.
- ( girl chuckles )
Professor Harrison:
Excellent.
If you want to use
pencil in my class,
you're more
than welcome.
Now, anyone else
wanna give it a shot?
Man:
Carrie? Carrie?
I really believe
that if you do the things
on this list,
you're going to feel
a lot better about life.
I bet I won't.
So, prove it.
Prove to me
that I don't know how
to do my job.
- You're a very odd man.
- Thank you.
That's the nicest compliment
I've had all day.
Hi.
Davy, I would like
a goldfish, please.
We're having
a two-for-one special.
I just want one.
But the other one
is free.
They're social creatures.
You heard me say
I want a fish, right?
Not a chimpanzee.
Fish swim in schools.
They like company.
Fish swim in schools
because, evolutionarily,
it gives them
a better chance of surviving.
My fish is going
to be living
in a one bedroom
apartment,
not the Great Barrier Reef.
Fine, just
give me two fish.
Great!
Woman:
Taxi!
( shutter clicks )
( camera whirs )
Carrie:
Katherine...
your job
is to prove Petrov wrong.
Spencer, your job is to keep
Katherine happy.
( man coughs )
Hey!
Get away from there
before I call the police!
Why?
One, because
you're clearly smoking
something illegal.
And two,
because it looks like
you're about to burgle
that apartment.
Why would I want to burgle
my own apartment?
- You don't live there.
- Well, then I definitely
- need to stop paying rent.
- No, some other guy
- lives there.
- Yeah, my roommate, Ted.
Okay, well,
if it's your apartment,
why do you play
your didgeridoo
in the street
like a crazy hippy?
Because Ted doesn't like me
practicing in the apartment.
I can't say I blame him.
You wanna play it?
It might help you relax.
What makes you think
I'm not relaxed?
When people's shoulders
aren't naturally aligned
with their earlobes
like that.
Maybe I'm cold.
Maybe you shouldn't make
assumptions
about people
you don't know.
Hey listen, I was just
razzing you-- I didn't--
...mean anything by it.
I am going to work.
If anyone calls,
take a message.
( phones ringing )
Did you just have an orgasm
over a cherry soda?
Can you just leave me
to drink my soda in peace?
Oh, of course, of course,
I'll let you two
have some privacy.
( chuckles )
( shutter clicks )
So, what's your deal?
Are you a student?
No, I graduated
last year.
From where?
Boston.
Boston University?
No, it was in
Cambridge actually.
Emerson, Brandeis,
Northeastern...
Harvard.
So, why don't you
just say Harvard?
Because when
I say Harvard,
people always reply
with something asinine,
like,
"Say something smart."
Hey, did you know Carrie
went to Harvard?
No way.
Say something smart.
No, no.
Seriously.
I think the influence
of Kierkegaard on Camus
is underestimated,
I believe Hobbes
is just Rousseau
in a dark mirror,
and I truly
believe with Hegel
that transcendence
is absorption.
Cool.
I have no idea
what you just said,
but you sure sound
like a friggin' genius.
I stole that
from "Infinite Jest"
by David Foster Wallace.
Oh, come on.
Smart and pretty?
You must be killing it
out there.
You have a boyfriend?
Is that really
your next question?
Okay, so what kind of guy
are you looking for?
I'm not looking
for any kind of guy.
So, you go for girls?
No, I'm not a lesbian.
Are you a nun?
Good one.
I can't believe
you've never had Moroccan.
I've always wanted
to try it.
And thanks
for inviting me.
Well,
I couldn't have you alone
on Thanksgiving,
now could I?
What, so you don't take
all your students to dinner?
Only my best
and brightest.
( chuckles )
Sparkling water
for the lady,
and a glass of Barolo
for me, please.
Thank you.
You know...
I skipped a grade of school
growing up, too.
Yeah,
it was so frustrating
knowing
that I was smarter
than most
of the adults I knew,
and yet they still
treated me like a child.
I hated, absolutely hated,
being treated like a child.
Yeah,
I really hate that too.
Although,
I technically was a child
until fairly recently.
Yeah, but you've got
an old soul.
And I'm kind of young
at heart,
so I guess we meet
in the middle.
Yeah. Thanks.
Thank you.
Well, cheers.
- ( glasses clink )
- Cheers.
Oh, oh,
that's just masterful.
Really, really delicious.
How's your water?
It's pedestrian,
with a frothy finish.
Would you like
to taste my wine?
Okay.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Okay, okay.
First, breathe in
the bouquet.
All right,
now take a sip.
Let the wine
coat your tongue.
Really?
That looks good on you.
What?
The wine.
It stained your lips red.
Man #2:
It's in every single
sexual fantasy I have.
Things are going great,
and then right before
the main event,
the phone rings.
Man:
Do you answer it?
Man #2:
No, but it still
totally ruins the moment.
So, things
get hot and heavy,
but just before intercourse,
the phone rings.
Man #2:
And then, my penis
becomes the size of a nub.
It practically
disappears.
I'm like a Ken doll
- with no genitalia--
- Oh, uh--
- Good God.
- Sorry.
I thought I was late.
I'm sorry, George.
It is time, in fact.
Let's come back
to this next week, shall we?
Oh, we have a couple
more minutes remaining.
But we could tack
that onto next week?
Absolutely.
Thank you, George.
Okay.
Thank you, doc.
- Call me.
- Carrie!
Carrie!
That was awful.
And I'd appreciate
you not listening in
on my sessions.
Sorry, the door was just
flat enough for my...
for my ear.
Anyway, I was very eager
to get here,
because I have
your precious list,
and I'll have you
know I've already ticked
two things off.
- Really?
- Don't act so surprised.
I'm a very good student,
you know.
All right.
Well, let's hear it, then.
Okay, firstly...
I'll admit the cherry soda
was excellent.
Very good.
The jury's still out
on the goldfish.
They don't do much.
Well, when it comes
to goldfish,
I'd lower
my expectations.
Good start.
Maybe if we can focus
on some of these other things.
Carrie.
What's so great
about being happy anyway?
There are some
brilliant unhappy people.
Kierkegaard, Beethoven,
Van Gough...
Morrissey!
Anyway,
I'm not unhappy.
You'd be
a lot more convincing
if you could look at me
when you say that.
One of these days,
you should decide
you're going to let someone
get to know you.
You can start
by trusting me.
Don't you think
that real companionship
would help?
What about going
on a date?
Any more thoughts
about that?
Why does everyone act
like sex is this magical,
happiness cure-all?
I didn't say anything
about sex.
Well, then,
you're the only one,
because it seems
to be the only thing
anyone talks about.
Who's anyone?
Well, people at work,
people I overhear in cafes.
That weird little perv
who was in here just now,
talking about
his disappearing penis.
Please, leave him
out of this.
Why can't I go into
a grocery store
without being
accosted by headlines
claiming 101 ways
to have an orgasm.
Wouldn't 50 three-ways
be sufficient?
Wouldn't-- wouldn't one?
Well, it's true that sex
is a big part of adult life.
If it weren't,
the human population
would die out.
But it doesn't mean
that everyone
is sex obsessed.
It may seem
like that to you now,
but I would gather
that if you were older
and had more experience,
it wouldn't seem as glaring.
What makes you think
that I'm not
sexually experienced?
Are you?
I can have opinions
regardless of whether
I myself have had sex.
True,
but it's hard to comment
on what it's like
to fly in an airplane
if you've never been
off the ground.
However,
if you have had
sexual experiences,
and you want
to discuss them--
No thanks.
Ew.
Anyway, you can't just
go on a date.
You have to be asked.
Not necessarily.
I refuse to troll
the Internet for a date.
I don't know,
You just might end up
having the most fun
you've ever had.
Or I 'll end up
locked in a crate
and shipped overseas
to be
a Saudi prince's sex slave.
My guess is
it'll probably end up
being somewhere
in between the two.
"Single male
seeks adventurous woman
into hiking..."
Blah, blah.
"Single male, 76."
No.
"Single white male,
engaged and confused.
Due to be married,
but want to test
the waters first."
( scoffs )
That has to be the most
inappropriate ad ever posted.
All right.
( clears throat )
( dialing )
I do not need
to be judged by you
right now, Katherine.
Petrov said,
"Go on a date."
He didn't say it couldn't be
to rat out a cheat.
I could find out
the name of his fiance
and warn her. Huh?
Kill two birds
with one stone.
Cross off the list,
and catch a hypocrite
in the act.
( dials )
( phone rings )
Shh.
It's ringing.
( ringing continues )
Man on recording:
Hello, this is Matt.
Please leave a message.
( beeps )
Hi, Matt.
You sound
really, really cute.
I sympathize
fully with your situation.
I'm dating
this great guy,
but there's
just no chemistry
and I wanna see
if I'm right.
When I saw your ad,
I thought, well,
this could be discreet way
to find out.
Like you said.
My name is...
Gloria Patch.
Gloria Patch.
( mouthing words )
What?
Are last names
even allowed?
Maybe that wasn't
so discreet.
So yeah,
just Gloria.
Call me
and we'll go on a date.
Bye!
Okay, that went well.
Thanks for the support.
What do you mean
I didn't leave my number?
Damn it!
( phone ringing )
Hello?
Matt:
Is-- is that Gloria?
Who?
Oh, yes.
Yes, it is.
This is Matt,
you just called me?
So I did.
But I didn't leave
my number.
Oh, it came up
on my phone.
Oh, cool.
You sound really great.
- Thanks.
- So...
would you like to meet
somewhere or something?
Sure.
How about 12:30
at Aejo on 28th?
It's very nice,
very atmospheric
and very public.
Well, I don't want
too public.
No, no.
Of course.
Well, it's not so public
that you would be outed,
but public enough
that you wouldn't be able
to kill me
without witnesses.
Okay. Okay, well,
that sounds good.
Okay, great, bye.
What does one wear
to expose a cheater?
Not that.
( gasps )
Jesus!
You scared
the crap out of me.
How long have you
been standing there?
No time at all.
I was just about to knock.
Look, I just wanted
to apologize
about what I said
the other day
about you not
being relaxed.
You're right,
I don't know you
and I shouldn't have
judged.
I'm Cy.
Okay, well,
apology accepted, I guess.
Carrie.
I thought maybe
I could invite you
to dinner or something.
- What for?
- I don't know,
I thought it might be fun.
- Fun?
- Yeah, fun.
You've heard
of the concept?
I'm familiar
with it, yeah.
One of the things
that people do
and they indulge in it
to divert themselves
from the true realities
of existence.
Well, look--
If you ever feel like
leaving your apartment--
- Just--
- What the hell is that
supposed to mean?
Nothing, just--
You have a reputation
around here
for being a bit
of a hermit.
Is that right?
Well, if you don't mind,
I'm actually just going
now to meet someone.
A male someone.
See how I'm leaving
the apartment?
I see, yeah.
You might want
to spread the word.
Oh, I'll definitely
do that.
Good.
And Carrie--
got some lipstick
on your teeth.
( scoffs )
I hate it
when that happens.
Hey, party of one?
No, actually, two.
I'm meeting someone.
Really?
Like, a man?
Yeah, a man.
Okay, cool.
Just look around
and see if he's here.
Well, I haven't actually
met him before.
I see.
But I know his name.
It's Matt.
Matt.
Yeah, I think
I know who he is.
- Uh, um--
- Gloria--
Sorry.
That's okay.
( chuckles )
There.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Hi.
( clears throat )
Wow.
You're just, uh...
You're much more beautiful
than I had expected.
Am I?
Yeah, I thought
I would only get
desperate ogresses
applying to an ad
in the "Village Rag,"
let alone a woman
who's into literature.
How did you know
I'm into literature?
Gloria Patch...
from Fitzgerald's
underrated masterpiece,
"The Beautiful
and the Damned"?
Okay.
I'm a massive geek, sorry.
Oh, don't be sorry.
You won't beat me for geekdom.
I'll take that challenge.
- You're on.
- Okay.
Should we order
some drinks?
I'll just stick to water.
Not to be a spoilsport.
No, actually,
I don't drink either.
I never saw
the point of it.
Oh, well, in my case,
it would be illegal.
Really?
How-- how old are you?
- Nineteen.
- Wow.
So, you--
you're a student?
Ex. I graduated
Harvard last year.
No way,
I went to M.I.T.
- Did you?
- Mathematics.
Hang on,
so you must have been 18
when you graduated?
That math degree
came in handy, huh?
Well, that was a little thing
called subtraction.
Have you guys decided?
I'll just--
a quesadilla with water.
And I'll have a diet Coke
and a cheese enchilada.
Great.
I'll take your menus.
Coming up.
A diet Coke?
Yeah, I'm just trying
to keep the weight off
before the...
Yeah, so, I'm surprised
that someone from Harvard
reads the personals.
How else
should I find a man?
Wait for our eyes
to meet
while trying to solve
Fermat's theorem?
Well, Fermat's
was already solved in 1994.
Well, one nil to you.
( chuckles )
- Asshat.
- Shit for brains.
Woman:
Dwayne, Joshua...
I just used
to get called dork.
We actually had a kid
whose last name was Dork.
But it didn't
really hurt him, though.
He was way
too good-looking.
Well, luckily, he didn't have
a first name like Dick.
It was Dick,
his first name.
Dick Dork was a person's name
that you knew?
- Dick Dork.
- Well, I'm gonna have to come
to your apartment
and look at your yearbooks
to make sure
you're not lying to me.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah.
Was it just me
or did you find
everyone in high school
stultifying?
Yes, in fact
if you used that word,
"stultifying,"
in front of them,
they would have shouted
SAT word!
- SAT word!
- Yes.
- I remember that.
- Yeah?
And the teachers
were lousy too.
Well, actually,
two of them
are coming to my wedding.
( clears throat )
What are you doing?
Oh, nothing,
I was just playing
- with my napkin--
- No, no, no.
What are you doing here?
I mean, what's with the ad?
Oh, uh...
My fiance
and I got together
when we were
really young,
and I love her.
I do, but I--
I just sometimes think
something's missing,
and I don't wanna do
the wrong thing,
so I'm just
looking for clarity.
Does that make any sense
or do I just sound like
a total dick?
The two aren't necessarily
mutually exclusive.
When's the big day?
February 4th.
Oh, excuse me!
Hey!
( coughs )
I'm choking!
Oh, I thought
you didn't drink.
and I thought
you'd be a creep.
Would that have helped?
Frankly, yes.
I came here with the intention
of exposing you.
What do you mean?
I read your ad,
and as a member
of the female gender
and people
with integrity everywhere,
it pissed me off.
So, I thought
I'd make a date with you,
find out about
your girlfriend,
and then tell her
she's about to marry a cheat.
- Oh, my God.
- What do you expect?
You're getting married
in two months,
you're trying to meet girls
in classified ads.
- That--
- I thought I'd find
a narcissistic rat bag,
not some handsome,
charming, smart--
you need to be
honest with her.
I know, I know.
You're right and I--
I just want
to be clear about
how I'm feeling
before I do that.
Are you clearer now?
No.
Well, I'm glad
to have helped.
Good luck
with the nuptials...
I guess.
Or not.
Woman:
Oh, yeah.
You liked him,
didn't you?
Whether I did or not
is irrelevant.
He's engaged.
And that is that.
You should definitely
see him again.
What is it about
the word engaged
- that you don't get?
- He's not even married yet.
What's the problem?
Even if he were married,
who cares?
I care!
I try very hard
not to be engaged
in activities
that are harmful
to myself or others.
Okay, you don't think
it's gonna hurt you
to not get to hang out
with someone you like?
You don't think
it hurts to deny yourself
the possibility of love?
Okay, next time
you see Matt,
ask him
his fiance's middle name.
There won't be
a next time.
Why?
Because guys
don't usually
pay attention
to details like that.
But if they're in love,
they do.
They've been
together forever,
of course he's gonna know
her middle name.
So, it's a good test
then, isn't it?
And if he doesn't know it,
I'd say he's fair game.
Yo, yo, yo.
What's up?
What are you guys--
what are you talking about?
Oh, you know,
clothes, makeup, boys.
Hmm.
Sorry I missed that.
So, are you going to see
the legend tomorrow night?
Who?
My recently ex-boyfriend
is playing a gig at Natto's.
Why is he your ex?
Because he chose
to go off with some whore,
that's why.
And she is so not
his type.
Yeah, he much prefers sluts
to whores.
What's his name?
His name is Dex
and he's a jerk.
But he's amazing.
Like, his tongue
should be registered
as a national treasure.
( chokes )
Hey, you should come.
Douglas:
You-- you should totally go.
Sure, why not?
Hey,
that's my philosophy too.
Thank you so much
for going.
I cannot watch
another Dex show.
Never really
felt bad about it
As we drank deep
from the lie
'Cause I felt
melting magnets...
Uh, hi.
Vodka, straight up.
Actually,
what's the one
all
the sorority girls drink,
the one that makes
you really drunk?
- Oh, rum.
- Rum, double.
I.D.?
Can I-- can I give you
my I.Q. instead?
185?
Surely I can be
better trusted with alcohol
than older,
less intelligent people.
Are you 21?
Alcohol
is an organic compound
in which the hydroxyl group
is bound to a carbon atom
so that the chemical makeup
of the ethanol
in your slightly
toxic wares
is C2H 5OH.
I think I can handle it.
- Hey, just lie.
- I'm not a liar.
Well, he's not going
to give you a drink
unless you do.
Well, you know what?
Morality is inconvenient.
Coke, please.
Regular, not that diet shit.
Okay,
you're feisty tonight.
I like it.
But at least let me,
like...
- ( muttering )
- Wait, can--
Why can't people
just like me for who I am?
Nobody likes anybody
for who they are.
That's why
we have to pretend
to be better
than who we are
and then let people
find out the truth later,
you know,
once they've already invested.
That makes you
sound like a psychopath.
Okay, well--
Mm. It's spiked.
Wow, looks like
she is a genius.
Finally,
the recognition
I've been craving.
Maybe--
maybe that was a move.
I don't get why people
are so sex obsessed.
It's like
a national epidemic.
Because sex
is freaking fantastic.
It's not that great.
The kissing part maybe,
but the main event
is nothing to be
obsessed about.
Yes, I win!
I knew you
weren't a virgin.
What do you mean
"you win"?
- Win what?
- Just a bet with Dougie.
About my virginity?
It's not about your virginity,
okay?
I made some money.
Be happy for me.
Your problem is
you haven't had sex
with the right person.
There's a lot
of good, clean sex
going on out there.
And by clean,
I mean dirty, okay?
And just because people
like to do it,
doesn't mean
that they're obsessed.
Do you think people
are sleep obsessed
because they like
to sleep every day?
You have to sleep
for survival.
Some people
screw for survival!
Sleep obsession
doesn't hurt anyone!
Neither does sex,
if it's between
two consenting adults.
The Victorians
forced people
to deny
their natural desires--
Shouldn't our natural desires
sometimes be denied?
Like, what if
your natural desire
is to step on a baby?
Okay, yeah,
you-- you have a point.
- Like, stepping on babies...
- Bad!
...should be avoided
at all costs.
I just think
that people make
an awful lot of excuses
to indulge
in bad behavior
on the pretext that
"I wanted to do it,"
or "if we're discreet,
it won't hurt anyone."
Humans are hypocrites.
And that's what makes us
so bloody interesting.
( chuckles )
What language was that?
That's how you speak.
That's how you come off.
You should know that
about yourself.
Oh, my God.
What is this?
Is this a bucket list?
You aren't dying,
are you?
Because I do not have
the emotional maturity
to deal with
a terminal friend right now.
It's not a bucket list.
Then what is it?
I see a therapist.
He made it for me
to help me be happier.
Oh, honey, you don't need
a list for that.
I'll help you.
Okay, I'm having
a New Year's Eve Party,
for one thing.
You should definitely come.
Also, you should call up
that bad boy from the paper
and give him
the bang of his life.
He'll leave that twit
he's with,
and you'll never be
lonely again.
Do you seriously
think that?
It's not your job
to be
everyone's moral guardian.
If you like the guy,
that's between you and him.
- ( feedback buzzes )
- He's the one
with the fiance.
That's for him
to deal with.
Not you.
Ooh, there he is.
Okay, okay.
Do they say, like,
"Get off the stage
and do me?"
Yes, but not
in a good way.
How can it not be
in a good way?
( playing guitar )
( audience cheers )
Dex, I love you,
you asshole!
( punk music playing )
I have to go.
I know!
He's so good, right?
( Dex singing )
I put my foot down
And I stomp
on the pavement
I'm a wire
through a plaster wall.
( music continues )
Professor Harrison:
What are you
thinking about?
How even
if I started now,
and dedicated
my life to reading,
I wouldn't get
through a fraction
of all of the books
ever written.
You fascinate me,
Carrie Pilby,
you know that?
I find you completely
and utterly enchanting.
Why thank you,
professor from a 1950s
black and white movie.
And so...
You know when I say things
like that--
you're brilliant,
or that I think
you're beautiful,
it's because
I really mean that.
I'm not trying
to flatter you.
What's your favorite version
of Faust?
Don't change the subject.
- No?
- No.
Come with me
Come and see
The chill,
the hush and glimmering
Of green
the mountain stream...
What is this?
I've never heard it before.
You have
an insatiable appetite
for learning.
Yeah, sorry about that.
Don't be.
Under the moon
so round
The moon so round
Anyway
There's really
not that much to say
It's just another day
There's really
not that much to say
It's just another day
There's really
not that much to say
It's just
another day...
Wait here, one minute.
There's really
not that much to say
It's just
another day.
( dialing )
( beeping )
Dad, he's cheating.
You know your friend
you hired to try and fix me,
well, he's doing it
with a married woman.
Woman:
Hello, Carrie.
Your father just stepped away
for a moment.
Sorry, who's this?
I thought
I called my dad.
No, you did,
you did.
Then who are you?
Oh, dear, I probably
should not have
picked up the phone.
This wasn't how
I wanted us to meet.
But I did want
to let you know
how excited I am
that you'll be
joining us here
for Christmas.
The kids
are practically wild
with anticipation--
The kids?
- What?
- Woman: Oh, Daniel,
please tell me
you have told her about us.
Carrie:
Told me what?
Oh, God.
Hello, darling.
- What's the matter?
- Told me what?
What haven't you told me
that this woman
and her children know
that I don't...
apart from that
you're not coming
to New York for Christmas!
Well, it was meant
to be a surprise, darling.
I've got the ticket
so that you could come here.
To London?
But that's
a shit surprise.
You know
I hate London.
And anyway,
you promised
we'd always have
Christmas here
in New York.
You know, darling,
life doesn't always
work out as we--
as we plan it.
We have to adapt.
But why?
And when were
you gonna tell me?
And when are you
ever gonna stop lying?
I thought it was
too long a conversation
to have on the phone,
and so I decided
- I'll wait till you--
- And then what?
When exactly was
the perfect time to tell me
that you're abandoning
our Christmas tradition
because of some woman
you're shagging,
and her kids are obviously
more important.
Now, Carrie,
that is not the way it is.
Matter of fact,
Fliss and I
are going to be married.
I'm sorry,
it sounded like
you just said
you were getting married.
I did.
I am.
We are.
So,
when you come over,
we can have a long luncheon,
talk everything through,
and I'll explain
all to you.
You get to meet Fliss.
I don't want
to meet Fliss.
( stammering )
Darling...
we can sort this out--
Go sort yourself!
( ringtone plays )
( phone rings )
( clatters )
( knocking on door )
Hi.
I can't believe
you called.
Neither can I.
- Allow me.
- Oh.
- I'm glad you did.
- Mm.
Thank you.
Bring me back
Bring me back
to you...
This is a nice place.
Ah, thanks.
Can I get you
something to--
Where is she?
She's at a meeting
in Westchester
with some guy at Craft.
She opened
her own advertising firm
and he is a friend
of her dad's,
so she thinks
he might throw her a bone.
Is that a euphemism?
What? Oh, God, no!
What if he did
throw her a bone?
Would you--
would you be upset?
Maybe.
I mean, I'm not sure...
...taking ahold
Brings me back
Brings me back
to you...
So, are we doing this,
then?
We do seem to be, yeah.
Wanna be
your man, girl
Wanna be
your man, girl...
Mmm-hmm.
( chuckles )
Every time
that I leave
I'm chasing
the wind...
It's a great bookcase.
Yup.
That's where we keep
all the books.
...taking ahold
Brings me back
Brings me back
to you
Wanna be
your man, girl
Wow, where did you even learn
how to kiss like that?
Harvard.
Damn, I don't think
M.I.T. had that course.
- You're doing okay.
- Okay.
Wanna be your man
Oh, love
I wanna be
your man
Your man
Your man
Oh, do you...
( laughs )
Is this--
is this your first time
unbuttoning a girl's shirt?
No, but it's my first time
unbuttoning a man's shirt
from this angle.
I'm actually wearing
a guy's shirt?
I believe so, yeah.
- How can you tell?
- The buttons.
Buttons on the left
for a woman,
buttons on the right
for men.
Look.
- Oh... my God,
- Watch this.
how did I not
know this?
( chuckles )
See?
You can't see,
but I had my eyes closed
for second.
( laughs )
- Um--
- What?
- What's the matter?
- Is that her?
Yes, it is.
She's watching us.
No, no she isn't.
It's just a photo.
It's just a photo.
Stand by me
And we're perfect
Just like you...
Wait, stop.
She spelled "too" wrong.
You make me
so happy...
Uh--
Yeah...
Yeah,
she's a terrible speller.
Let's--
why don't we
just close our eyes
and just try to relax?
Okay?
Oh-- I--
I feel dizzy.
Okay.
I knew we shouldn't have tried
to do this at my place.
All the photos and stuff
are a real mood killer.
You know what else
is a mood killer?
Having a fiance.
Get-- my--
( mumbles )
How are you going
to say vows,
sacred vows
in front of everyone you know,
that you will honor and love
and cherish this woman,
forsaking all others,
when you clearly
don't respect her,
which is the foundation
of all of those things?
You're not going
to leave her, are you?
I--
I really like you.
I really think
we could be good together.
You deserve
to be stimulated by someone
who's on equal footing
with you, and so do I.
Then end this facade
of an engagement.
I will!
I mean, you know,
I might.
I just met you!
Not for me!
For you, for her!
Look, I thought
that you wanted this.
Just because
you want something,
doesn't make it right.
Oh, Jesus, Pollyanna.
This is real life.
Real life
is complicated.
Don't be such a child.
Professor Harrison:
I think this has been
my best semester ever,
Carrie.
Me too.
Oh, I forgot,
I have something for you.
Oh, yeah?
Mmm-hmm.
It's um--
it's more of a loan
than a gift.
I thought
you might like to read
the first edition version.
But, I need it back
because it's really special
to me.
How sweet, thank you.
I promise I'll take
good care of it.
You make me happy,
you know that?
You make me happy too.
Um...
You know
what would really,
really make me happy?
What's that?
If you could say
this one thing for me...
What thing?
( whispering )
I can't say that.
Why not?
Come on,
you're such a quick learner.
And it's just
one little thing.
You only have
to say it once.
You can--
I mean, you can start slow.
It won't sound right.
It won't sound like me.
Sure it will.
Just say it.
What do you want?
I...
I can't.
It's too embarrassing.
Are you serious?
Why can't you
just do what I ask?
Because I don't want to.
And frankly,
I find it a bit demeaning.
It's not demeaning,
it's fun.
Not for me, it isn't.
You know what?
I tried.
But if you can't just do
this one thing for me, then--
Then what?
Jesus, David,
why are you acting like
such psycho about this?
Don't be such
a child, Carrie.
I'll call you a cab.
( phone rings )
( clatters )
Shit!
No!
No, no, no, no.
( exclaims )
Katherine!
Ugh!
I'm sorry!
( whimpers )
I don't understand.
I need you
to take him back.
We can't accept returns.
He's all alone.
I can't do that to him.
And you're the one
that told me
that fish were social.
I already
killed his friend,
I don't wanna kill him
too.
You killed who?
Katherine.
It was an accident.
Did you eat her?
What? No.
What?
Lots of people
eat goldfish on dares.
That is insane.
Please, take him back.
But don't let anyone
eat him.
I told you.
No refunds or returns.
I don't want
my money back.
Just have a heart,
it's Christmas Eve.
Oh...
Store policy.
Hey, hey,
what are you doing?
Be free!
Make friends!
Have a life.
You can't do that.
Take him back.
I don't know
which one is which.
( chuckles )
I'm calling my manager.
Merry Christmas,
Spencer.
( shouts )
( screams )
( knocking on window )
( knocking continues )
Is everything okay?
What?
I heard screaming.
Oh, no!
That was the television.
Oh, okay.
Has your roommate
put you outside again?
Yeah,
but if you don't want me to,
- I could--
- Oh, no, that's fine.
You go ahead.
I'll be here...
obviously.
Hey, hey, hey.
Do you want
to go for a walk?
I mean,
it is Christmas Eve.
Normal people
don't like to spend it alone.
How would you know
what normal people do?
That's just what I'm told.
Don't you have to practice
blowing indeterminate sounds
out of a large piece
of wood?
I could do with a break.
So, do you live alone?
- I do.
- Lucky girl.
My roommate
Ted is insane.
- Really?
- He barely says a word.
And when he does speak,
it's invariably to lie.
It's actually incredible.
I've never met anyone
like him.
How long
have you lived there?
A few months.
I was roughing it,
living in a basement
down in South Jersey
for a while,
just waiting
till I got a job
so I could move
to the city.
I didn't want
to come here
and be owing money
to friends,
or having to live
with four annoying roommates.
- You know?
- Now you just have
one annoying roommate?
( chuckles )
That's a victory
from where I'm standing.
And you actually
have a job
playing the didgeridoo?
There can't be
too many of them
- going around.
- Well, I don't
just play the didgeridoo.
Oh, what else
do you play?
Just some
other instruments.
Like what?
You really want to know?
Otherwise
I wouldn't be asking.
Okay, let's see...
Flute, clarinet,
trumpet, trombone, tuba,
saxophone, guitar, piano,
drums, bassoon,
harmonica,
and the triangle.
I'm actually pretty killer
on the triangle.
And the didgeridoo.
I'm still learning that one,
but yeah.
Did you study music
in college?
Yeah, at Berklee.
Do you like music?
I'd be a weird person
if I didn't like music.
I used to listen
to old records
at my grandmother's
when I was a kid.
I was actually
quite odd
when I was younger,
you know.
Impossible.
( bell dinging )
Who's
your favorite musician?
John Coltrane
at the moment.
Nice.
You heard of him?
He's kind of famous.
You'd be surprised
by how many people
have never said that.
Knowledge
is kind of my thing.
Oh, yeah?
So, were you
one of those head-down
academic types
in high school?
You could say that, yeah.
And I'll bet
you were in every
after school society.
Not every one.
Just Harvard
Model Congress,
Excellent Exegists,
Mathletes, College Bowl.
Wow.
You really were a nerd.
Well, that's something
coming from a band geek.
Touch.
What's your actual job?
I play, um...
I play clarinet
for the New York Philharmonic.
But I mean,
I just started,
so it's-- it's nothing.
That's incredible.
Your parents
must be so proud of you.
You know, you'd have thought
they would be,
but the truth is they really
don't get it at all.
My...
my dad wanted me
to do
something more practical,
I guess.
Ever since
I tried to explain to him
that music's my thing,
he pretty much refuses
to engage
in any discussion about it.
That's awful.
How do you deal
with that?
I don't know.
I didn't for a long time.
And then one day
I just thought,
"Screw this," you know?
I have one life
and I'm allowed to be happy.
You know?
He'll come around
if he comes around.
Yeah.
My dad has
a whole new family.
I just hate the feeling
that I've disappointed him.
Has he disappointed you?
Mmm-hmm.
But that doesn't mean
you don't love him, does it?
No, no, no,
of course not.
So, maybe
it's the same for him?
I mean,
I'm sure he loves you.
What's not to love?
So, uh...
what about you?
- What do you do?
- Oh, proofreader.
Professional, though.
Not one of those amateurs
you hear about.
Oh, I'm sure.
I'm sure.
I'm not like you.
I don't have it
figured out yet.
Well, when you do,
I've got a feeling
you're gonna set the world
alight.
What makes you say that?
That's just what
my gut says.
Do you wanna dance?
No, no.
I dance like
a rhythmless four-year-old.
No, no. Seriously.
You'll have images
you won't ever be able
to get out of your head,
like when you see
- a really bad horror movie.
- I love horror movies.
Seriously, no.
I won't take no
for an answer.
Here, come on.
- Oh...
- Come on.
Okay, okay.
You asked for it.
All right.
Here.
Put your arm here.
( laughs )
- Are you ready?
- Mmm-hmm.
You're freezing.
No, it's okay.
Here.
Take my coat.
Thanks.
Looks good.
Is this yours?
Yeah, Salinger.
You read it?
What am I saying?
Of course you have.
Um--
I-- I have to go.
Go where?
There's just something
I have to do really quickly.
Would you mind
if I borrowed this?
I'll bring it back
tomorrow.
You're really close by.
Of course.
- No problem.
- Thank you.
It's been really nice.
You're not nearly as bad
as I thought you were.
( laughs )
( dial tone )
( dialing )
( phone rings )
Woman:
Merry Christmas!
Hello?
Is David there?
Who is this?
Carrie.
Who?
Can I just please speak
to David?
Professor Harrison:
Carrie?
I want my book back.
What book?
The one I lent you.
My first edition
of "Franny and Zooey."
Yeah, I'm right
in the middle of hosting
a Christmas party.
Can we discuss this next
month when I get back to my
office?
Could you please just do
this one thing for me?
Well,
I'll tell you what.
If I find it, I'll be sure
to let you know, okay?
Merry Christmas, Carrie.
( dial tone )
Okay...
God...
I'm not going to lie.
I don't really believe
you exist.
So, I don't really know
what I'm doing,
or who I'm talking to,
but anyway,
I just thought I might
at least let you know
in the unlikely event
that you did exist,
what my requests
would be this Christmas.
It won't take long,
I promise.
So, firstly,
I'd like things
to be better
for the homeless,
the old, the sick,
and anyone
who's not doing so great.
I'm sorry
for when I judge people.
And I'm sorry
for the not-so-good things
I've done lately.
It just seems kind of hard
to avoid doing them.
But I'll try and do better,
I promise.
Oh, and this might
sound really petty,
but could you please
help everyone learn
how to pronounce
"In Excelsis Deo" correctly?
Thanks.
And...
I know...
that my mom probably
isn't up there with you,
but if she was,
I just want her to know
that I really,
really, really miss her.
And I know
that my dad does too.
As for him,
I'm just tired of fighting.
I just
really wish everything
could be like
it was before.
So, anyway,
that's it I guess.
Amen.
Oh, and happy birthday.
( doorbell buzzes )
I know it's Christmas,
so you don't have to work,
even though you're Jewish,
and technically
you don't celebrate,
but we need to talk.
Are you okay?
Not really, no.
And I'm sorry to interrupt
your non-holiday,
but I couldn't wait
another week to tell you
that your list is crap.
- All right, just hold on--
- No. I will not hold on.
I need you
to listen to me.
Because of you,
I am a fish murderer.
Even worse, I almost slept
with an engaged guy.
And I am
more confused than ever.
Like, is it
so wrong for me
to do what is right
and be happy?
Because if so,
I am destined to be
a miserable person,
list or no list.
Carrie, stop.
Please, come inside--
I know what
you're going to say.
You're gonna say
I can't say the list is crap
because
I haven't finished it yet.
But the thing is,
I can't finish it
because I left
my "Franny and Zooey"
at Professor Harrison's.
- Okay, so get it back.
- I told you, I can't!
I don't need to finish
the list to know that,
shocker--
drinking a cherry soda
will not make my dad
pay attention to me.
Having a goldfish
won't bring my mom back.
It did help me learn,
though, that going on a date
could make me feel
more lonely than ever.
You know what I think?
I think you're the one
who needs a list.
And it should have things
on it like,
"Don't have affairs
with married women."
- Now wait a minute.
- And fine, you're an adult,
so you can do what you like,
but so can I.
And just because
I don't want to do
demeaning or immoral things
doesn't make me a prude.
I mean, a prude
wouldn't sleep with
her English professor,
would she?
You slept with
your English professor?
Dad!
Petrov:
I tried to tell you.
What are you doing here?
What--
what is he doing here?
I was worried about you.
Obviously,
I had a very good reason to.
- Why didn't you call?
- I did call.
You didn't pick up
your phone.
Because my phones
are broken!
Where's your new family?
Did you ship them off too,
so you didn't have to deal
with them?
That's not fair, Carrie.
What he did to me
isn't fair.
That didn't stop him.
Go home, Dad.
I came so that
you wouldn't have to go
to London,
which you seem to hate.
No, I don't hate London,
I hate you!
And I hate
this stupid list!
( sighs )
Well...
that went well.
Give her some time.
Hi.
Wasn't sure
if you'd remember.
It's been such long time.
I'm a prodigy, aren't I?
I think I can remember
the simple phrase,
"If you get lost,
I'll meet you
at Hans Christian Andersen."
Poor guy.
Never found love.
Wrote all those books
for children
and never had
any of his own.
Mm.
Might be a good thing.
If he had them,
he undoubtedly
would have
disappointed them.
I really want you
to like Felicity.
I should have
told you.
But I thought that
if you met her first,
then she and and her kids,
you'd give them
a bit more of a chance.
When your mother
got sick,
I felt that I had
failed her somehow.
My whole reason for being
was to take care of her,
and you.
And then I got
really terrified
that I was going to fail you
as well.
So, I thought
that you would be better off
with people who understood
how to teach you.
I mean, you were so far ahead
of your classmates.
You were brilliant.
And I thought if you went
to college,
you'd meet people
who were of like mind.
I was 14.
I was a freak.
What about
the English teacher?
Made me feel like
less of one.
At the beginning
at least.
Did he... hurt you?
No, no,
it wasn't like that.
You can press charges.
Dad, I don't think
you can press charges
for hurting
someone's feelings.
That's not what
I'm talking about.
I'm talking about the fact
that you were underage.
I was 16.
That's the legal age
of consent.
And anyway,
he never forced me.
He manipulated you.
He used his position.
I'm gonna have him fired.
Well, he's teaching
at Columbia now,
so it looks like
someone beat you to it.
I just wish the bastard
would give me my book back.
- What book?
- "Franny and Zooey."
Don't you remember?
Mom gave me
a first edition
for my 12th birthday.
Oh, yes.
So she did.
You lent him that book?
I thought
he'd appreciate it.
I thought
he'd appreciate me.
Right, that's it.
Come on, let's go.
Where?
We're gonna get
your book back.
- What?
- Where's he live?
Dad,
I really don't think--
Carrie,
where does he live?
Hi.
Hi.
Is David here?
Professor Harrison:
Who is it, Amanda?
There's a girl
here to see you.
Carrie.
What
an unexpected pleasure.
This is Amanda,
my wife.
Carrie Pilby, a student.
Ex-student.
You got married?
Yeah.
Congratulations.
I'm Daniel Pilby,
Carrie's father.
Well, it's nice
to meet you.
We've come to get a book
that your husband's been
kind enough
to look after for me.
Oh, yeah, the book.
Well, it's somewhere
inside the house.
As soon as I have a chance,
I'll find it,
and I'll put it
in the mail.
Why don't we save you
the trouble
and have
a quick look ourselves?
Excuse me.
I already told you,
I don't know where it is.
But you said yourself
it must be here somewhere.
Hello.
Do you mind?
No, not at all.
We won't be a moment.
Happy Christmas.
Same to you.
Library.
Good tidings to you
Wherever you are...
- We've got guests.
- They seem very nice.
Oh!
...And a Happy New Year
We wish you
a Merry Christmas
We wish you
a Merry Christmas...
- Look!
- Ah!
There!
That wasn't
so difficult after all.
Will that be all?
Well,
there is one small thing.
Yes?
- ( grunts )
- ( guests gasp )
( guests mutter )
Borrowing a book
and not returning it
is the height
of rudeness.
- You son of a--
- Yeah.
Come along, Carrie.
We wish you
a Merry Christmas
We wish you
a Merry Christmas...
Man:
Who was this guy?
It looks good on you.
- What?
- The blood.
Turns your lips red.
...New Year.
( song ends )
- ( laughs )
- Are you okay?
I think-- I think
I've broken something.
Bloody worth it,
though, eh?
Let me see.
Let me see.
I think
you're gonna be okay.
I missed you.
And I missed you too.
So, so much.
And I'm so sorry
for everything.
It's okay.
But you need to stop
trying to get me sorted.
I'm 19.
I'm not supposed
to be sorted yet.
Okay.
I come in peace.
Carrie, hi.
I wasn't sure
if you'd show up
for your appointment
today.
Did your dad leave?
Yeah, he did.
I miss him already.
You can go back to sleep
if you want.
No, no.
I was just a little tired.
Long night?
You do realize
it's not appropriate for me
to discuss
my personal life with you.
I think
it would really help me
if you did.
All right.
What do you
want to know?
Was there ever a time
when you thought
that cheating was wrong?
Of course.
I still do.
Then how do
you justify it?
Don't you feel bad?
Yes.
No.
All of the above.
I do part-time consulting
for Cheryl's agency.
She works
with abused children.
We spent
a lot of time together.
I invited her
for coffee.
We talked,
we talked more.
We wanted to spend
more time together.
I suppose I am
what you might call
a hypocrite.
It must bring you great joy
to hear me say that.
No, no.
It doesn't.
Her husband doesn't show her
any affection.
- That's an excuse.
- He's always gone.
- Excuse.
- He's been cheating.
- Excuse.
- And maybe--
Excuse!
( sighs )
Maybe she'll leave him?
Excuse.
I just came
to let you know
that my dad and I
made up.
I'm very glad.
And, okay.
He helped me
to get this back.
"Franny and Zooey."
And as we often say
in my profession,
how did that
make you feel?
Like maybe I should finish
that silly,
or not so silly,
list that I threw
in your general direction?
Oh, I was hoping
you'd say that.
You saved it.
Just in case.
I have a photographic memory,
remember?
Thank you.
So, what are you going
to do about Mrs. Rubin?
I don't know.
Contrary to what the degrees
on the wall may imply,
I don't have
all the answers.
I wouldn't trust anyone
who thought that they did.
Maybe you need
to make her a list.
"Five ways
to leave her husband."
( both laugh )
You know, sometimes...
you really remind me
of your mother.
Thanks.
I'll take that
as a compliment.
Compliment intended.
You are allowed
to be happy, Carrie.
You know that,
don't you?
Your mom
would want that for you.
( shutter clicks )
Shit.
Carrie!
Oh, thank God!
I thought you might
never speak to me again
after I abandoned you
at Dex's gig.
How can I ever
make it up to you?
You already did.
You helped me
cross something off my list.
I did?
Which one?
Make a friend.
- Oh!
- Oh, okay.
You're hurting me
a little bit.
Oh, come on.
I want to introduce you
to Dex.
- Dex? Dex-Dex?
- Yeah.
What, "Nationally
registered tongue" Dex?
- Okay. Okay.
- Oh, sorry!
( muttering )
Oh, Carrie, this is Dex.
Dex, this is Carrie.
Hi, nice to meet you!
Yeah, you too.
Oh, uh--
He seems... nice.
Yeah, he is.
I'll call you.
We'll go for lunch.
Oh, oh!
I would love that.
Well, see you later!
Okay.
Pilby!
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
Are you wearing
eye makeup?
It looks good.
Hey, what's the square root
of 6,023?
Seventy-five.
You're a freaking genius!
- I made it up.
- Like, what's the equation?
What special equations
do you use?
You know what,
I'll tell you on Monday.
You're leaving?
I have a party limit,
and I'm all partied out.
But I'll see you later.
Happy New Year.
Male reporter:
What a scene here
in Times Square!
Hundreds of thousands
of people crammed in here.
Very excited,
counting down to midnight.
Female reporter:
That's a no brainer!
Absolutely.
Man:
Well, I'd like to get
in the hot tub already.
- I'm so cold right now!
- You're cold?
Are you kidding,
it's 40 degrees.
Try living in Minnesota.
- Should they get
in the hot tub?
- Woman #2: They should
because we're freezing
and we would love
to get in the hot tub.
Woman:
You're from Phoenix!
Woman #2: Should
they get in the hot tub?
Male reporter:
Yes, you ladies
get in the hot tub quick!
- Get in the hot tub!
Come on, get in the hot tub.
- Fuck it.
Hey.
Hi.
You must be Ted.
Is Cy in?
Moved out.
What?
When?
Yesterday.
Oh, okay.
Um...
- Well--
- Bye-bye, then.
Oh, okay, um--
Well, is there any way
that I could--
Happy New Year.
Is it--
( footsteps approach )
What is the matter
with you?
Can you not stop lying
for one minute?
Hey, sorry.
You see what I mean?
The guy's a compulsive liar.
You literally can't believe
a word he says.
Nice tux.
Oh, yeah.
We had a concert.
I just got back.
You didn't wanna go out
after?
New Year's Eve
isn't really my thing.
Me neither.
Do you want
to come in?
If that's okay.
Yeah, I think
that could be okay.
Actually, would you mind
waiting here one second?
There's just
something I have to do
really, really quickly.
I'll be--
I'll be one minute.
Okay.
( knocking on window )
You're always
disappearing.
Sorry, I thought
I left the stove on.
That's okay.
This is a much
better spot anyway.
Spot?
To watch the fireworks.
They're about to start.
Here, take my hand.
It's freezing.
I'd loan you my coat,
but someone forgot
to return it.
Oh, right.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Shall I pop in and grab it?
You just stay right here,
Carrie Pilby.
So, what's Cy short for?
Cyrus.
What about Carrie?
Nothing.
It's just Carrie.
What's your middle name?
( music playing )
( rock music playing )
Go on,
make a mistake
Come on,
let's jump in a lake
It's
your favorite song
Watching
the sky turn blue
You always know
where to find me
I used to do nothing
of the kind
See, I'm just sitting here
on this fence
Watching the sky
turn blue
Don't you think
it's about time
About time,
about time
The sun shine
down on you
Leave the take,
I'll take the kids
In the middle
of my coffee break
You'll find me
on the Ferris wheel
Watching the sky
turn blue
Don't you think
it's about time
About time,
about time
The sun shine
down on you
Sun shine down
Oh, oh
Sun shine down
Oh, yeah
Don't you think
it's about time
About time,
about time
Sun shine down
Don't you think
it's about time
About time,
about time
Don't you think
it's about time
About time,
about time
The sun shine
down on you
Watching the sky
turn blue
Sun shine down
Sun shine down
Sun shine down...
( "In The Hall
of The Mountain King"
by Edvard Grieg plays )
Guess who's not coming
to Thanksgiving?
Your dad?
He's such a hypocrite.
I hate hypocrites.
I'm sorry.
Is this for me?
I figured you'd have
more use for it than I will.
Right.
Thanks.
I swear to God.
The man is incapable
of keeping a promise.
What was his reason?
You tell me.
He's your friend.
- Carrie--
- He said he has to, um,
stay in London.
Why would anyone choose
to stay in London?
London's awful.
When's the last time
you were in London?
When I was 12.
When your mom was sick?
Don't do that.
Do what?
Make associations
in your head.
I don't like London
because it is cold,
it is repressed.
And everyone
looks like they've smoked
too many cigarettes.
Did you make any friends
this week?
You and I both know
there's a perfectly
good reason
I don't have any friends.
So, what
did you do this week?
What I normally do.
- Reading?
- Mostly.
And how many books
did you read?
Seventeen.
And does reading
17 books in one week
seem normal to you?
No, no, of course
it's not normal.
I mean, does skipping
three grades of school
seem normal?
Does going to Harvard
at the age of 14 seem normal?
I'm clearly not normal.
I thought we'd established
that was the problem.
Carrie, I want you to do
something for me.
What?
You and I
are going to come up with
a list of goals
you're going to achieve
between now
and the end of the year.
So, for our next session,
I want you to think about
some of the things
you'd like to have
on that list.
Things you've done
in your life and enjoyed.
What kind of things
do you expect me
to put on this list?
For example,
join a club.
Why should I force myself
to go out and meet people
who have lowered
their moral, ethical,
and intellectual standards
in order to fit in
with other people
who have low moral, ethical,
and intellectual standards?
You're such a contrarian.
No, I'm not.
( chuckles )
( snickers )
A little helpful advice.
One,
try to stop pontificating
and rubbing
your exceptionally high IQ
in people's noses.
Two, give humanity
a chance.
Someone
might surprise you.
Time's up.
Carrie, wait.
You were quite late,
so I don't mind
going a couple
of minutes over.
I do.
I'm actually in the middle
of reading
Foucault's
"Archeology of Knowledge."
I highly recommend it,
by the way.
And, if you
speak to my dad,
please give him
the message
that I don't accept
his excuses or his apologies
and that hiring me
a therapist
is no more
a satisfactory replacement
for an actual parent,
than sending me
off to college
at an inappropriately
young age.
Sorry for being, um--
I completely understand.
Happy Thanksgiving.
You too.
Hey, Carrie.
What's up?
Hi, Ronald.
- Do you need a menu?
- Oh, sure.
Someone still
buys DVDs, huh?
Someone still does, yeah.
And you know what?
I have never had to wait
for the movie to load
halfway through the film.
I'll have the soup.
Yeah, sure.
- Hi, there.
- Hi.
Look, before you launch
into your moves or whatever,
I just want you to know
that I'm not really
in the right frame of mind
to make flirty chitchat
with a total stranger.
Even though, admittedly,
you're quite a cute one.
But I've just--
dealing with being let down
by my dad--
not for the first time.
And I've just had
a really tough session
with my therapist.
- Um--
- I'm sorry.
I just wanted to know
if I can borrow this chair.
Oh, definitely.
Yes.
Take it.
Knock yourself out!
Not with the...
chair.
( bell jingles )
Girl:
Hey!
Do you want me
to pack this to go?
Yes!
Please, yes.
( woman speaking on TV )
( didgeridoo drones )
What the hell is that?
Yo! World music guy!
- Hey!
- Can you go
and hold your one-man
aborigine festival thing
somewhere else?
Like Australia?
Sure.
( ringtone plays )
Hi, Dad.
Dad:
Hello, darling,
how are you?
Got your message.
You're not coming
for Thanksgiving.
Shocker.
Dad:
So sorry, darling.
I really thought
I could swing it,
but I just
can't get away.
It's such
an American thing anyways.
I promise I'll be there
for Christmas.
Well,
it would have been nice
to have a bit
more notice.
But listen,
I do have good news.
I've found you a job
at the law firm
of a friend of mine.
In what world
is that good news?
If anything,
that is very, very bad news.
But it'll be good
for you.
Well, I'm still four years
ahead of my peers.
Do you want me
to be maladjusted?
It'll be easy,
I promise.
It's a night job,
proofreading legal briefs.
You love reading.
Not proofreading,
and certainly not
legal briefs.
Well, at least
it'll be quiet.
You won't have
to talk to a soul
if you don't want to.
If you have a better offer,
by all means.
What happened
to "Take some time"?
Well, it has
been a year, darling.
And to be
absolutely honest,
it would really help
if you could
bring something to the table,
so to speak.
Isn't there
some other way?
You could get a roommate
instead if you prefer.
Okay, fine.
I'll take the job.
( "Morning"
by Edvard Grieg plays )
( elevator bell dings )
( phones ringing )
Hello?
( phone ringing continues )
- What you listening to?
- Hmm?
Wait, isn't that
from Bugs Bunny?
It's "Morning."
"Peer Gynt," Edvard Grieg.
I'm pretty sure that's from
one of the "Looney Tunes."
Who are you?
- Douglas.
- Do you work here?
No, I just didn't
have anyone
to spend
Thanksgiving with,
so I've been wandering
around the building
hoping to find someone
to share my turducken.
- ( chuckles )
- Right.
I'm kidding.
You're Carrie Pilby,
right?
I might be.
Sometimes when the documents
get copied and/or faxed,
the periods end up
looking like commas.
And the "Hs" end up
looking like "Ks,"
You know,
that sort of thing.
No wonder lawyers
charge 400 bucks an hour,
they pay people
to play "Concentration."
Oh, no. I'm sorry.
Douglas got to you first.
I always try to get
to the new people
before he does,
but he's quick as lighting.
Ooh.
I'm Tara.
Carrie.
I wish
I could say he's more
the exception
to the rule,
but what can I tell you?
This job attracts
a strange breed.
Clearly.
( phone rings )
( chuckles )
You're gonna fit in
just fine.
Holidays are a drag, huh?
For some people, yes.
What did you do for yours?
Nothing.
Just--
just went to work.
What?
You got a job?
Well, my dad
got it for me.
Kind of
a consolation prize
for not coming
to Thanksgiving.
But I didn't have
to eat any dry turkey
or talk to anyone.
Wonderful.
So, how's it going
with the list?
What list?
The list we talked
about last time.
I have no recollection
of this list.
You've got
a photographic memory.
- It's selective.
- Excuse.
I've been very busy.
Excuse.
I haven't had time to--
- Excuse!
- Stop saying--
Excuse.
Well, not to worry.
I made one for you.
Go on, read it.
"Go on a date."
( laughs )
"Make a friend.
Spend New Year's Eve
with someone.
Get a pet."
It'll help to have something
to care for.
Keep going.
"Do something
you loved as a child."
Like what?
Well,
it could be anything.
What did you do
when you were six
that you don't do anymore?
I wrote several
strongly-worded letters
to oil companies
when I was six.
Wow, okay.
How about an indulgence
that you no longer
allow yourself?
I used to love
drinking cherry soda.
Excellent,
there you go.
Great, I'll drink
a cherry soda
and all my problems
will just disappear.
What's next?
"Read favorite book."
Ah!
Do you have one?
Yeah, "Franny and Zooey,"
Salinger.
But I don't have it.
I lent it to someone.
Can you get it back?
I don't know.
Well, look, just try.
See how it goes,
do what you can,
one at a time.
Why do you want me
to do this so much?
Because staying
at home in bed all day
won't make you happy.
You need to get out
and meet people,
begin some
meaningful relationships.
Maybe if you
put yourself out there,
doing things you enjoy...
( keyboard clacking )
Hmm, "Franny and Zooey,"
one of my favorites.
You've got good taste.
Well, welcome
to English 303,
the Modernists.
I'm Professor Harrison,
and you are a bunch of kids
who think you already
know everything
but haven't even
got a clue
about what life
is really like
beyond the ivy walls.
It's banal,
nauseating carousel
of responsibility
and disappointments,
one after another.
But, my sweater
is soft and the rain
streaking down
the window is kinda lovely,
so I guess I won't
off myself just yet.
( students chuckling )
The Modernists,
especially Joyce and Wolff
were very big
on stream of consciousness
techniques
in their novels,
and you just got
your first lesson in it.
Would anyone
like to give it a try?
Say whatever
pops into your mind.
"Franny and Zooey,"
how about you?
Oh, I wouldn't know
what to say.
It's not difficult.
You just start
with your name,
where you're from,
kinda go from there.
My name's Carrie Pilby,
I-- well I was born in London
but I moved to New York
when I was 12
just after my mom died.
I guess I shouldn't
have said that,
'cause now everyone's
feeling weird
about the girl
whose mom died.
Like I'm Antigone
or Harry Potter,
or Bambi or something.
But I'm not a Greek tragedy
or a wizard.
( chuckling continues )
And if I was a character
in a movie,
I'd like to be
Katherine Hepburn,
preferably in a movie
where she gives
Spencer Tracy
a run for his money.
But I can tell
I'm boring you now.
And this is hard,
harder than skipping
fourth and eighth grade.
But not as hard
as skipping second grade,
because going
from pencil to pen
- was pretty abrupt.
- ( girl chuckles )
Professor Harrison:
Excellent.
If you want to use
pencil in my class,
you're more
than welcome.
Now, anyone else
wanna give it a shot?
Man:
Carrie? Carrie?
I really believe
that if you do the things
on this list,
you're going to feel
a lot better about life.
I bet I won't.
So, prove it.
Prove to me
that I don't know how
to do my job.
- You're a very odd man.
- Thank you.
That's the nicest compliment
I've had all day.
Hi.
Davy, I would like
a goldfish, please.
We're having
a two-for-one special.
I just want one.
But the other one
is free.
They're social creatures.
You heard me say
I want a fish, right?
Not a chimpanzee.
Fish swim in schools.
They like company.
Fish swim in schools
because, evolutionarily,
it gives them
a better chance of surviving.
My fish is going
to be living
in a one bedroom
apartment,
not the Great Barrier Reef.
Fine, just
give me two fish.
Great!
Woman:
Taxi!
( shutter clicks )
( camera whirs )
Carrie:
Katherine...
your job
is to prove Petrov wrong.
Spencer, your job is to keep
Katherine happy.
( man coughs )
Hey!
Get away from there
before I call the police!
Why?
One, because
you're clearly smoking
something illegal.
And two,
because it looks like
you're about to burgle
that apartment.
Why would I want to burgle
my own apartment?
- You don't live there.
- Well, then I definitely
- need to stop paying rent.
- No, some other guy
- lives there.
- Yeah, my roommate, Ted.
Okay, well,
if it's your apartment,
why do you play
your didgeridoo
in the street
like a crazy hippy?
Because Ted doesn't like me
practicing in the apartment.
I can't say I blame him.
You wanna play it?
It might help you relax.
What makes you think
I'm not relaxed?
When people's shoulders
aren't naturally aligned
with their earlobes
like that.
Maybe I'm cold.
Maybe you shouldn't make
assumptions
about people
you don't know.
Hey listen, I was just
razzing you-- I didn't--
...mean anything by it.
I am going to work.
If anyone calls,
take a message.
( phones ringing )
Did you just have an orgasm
over a cherry soda?
Can you just leave me
to drink my soda in peace?
Oh, of course, of course,
I'll let you two
have some privacy.
( chuckles )
( shutter clicks )
So, what's your deal?
Are you a student?
No, I graduated
last year.
From where?
Boston.
Boston University?
No, it was in
Cambridge actually.
Emerson, Brandeis,
Northeastern...
Harvard.
So, why don't you
just say Harvard?
Because when
I say Harvard,
people always reply
with something asinine,
like,
"Say something smart."
Hey, did you know Carrie
went to Harvard?
No way.
Say something smart.
No, no.
Seriously.
I think the influence
of Kierkegaard on Camus
is underestimated,
I believe Hobbes
is just Rousseau
in a dark mirror,
and I truly
believe with Hegel
that transcendence
is absorption.
Cool.
I have no idea
what you just said,
but you sure sound
like a friggin' genius.
I stole that
from "Infinite Jest"
by David Foster Wallace.
Oh, come on.
Smart and pretty?
You must be killing it
out there.
You have a boyfriend?
Is that really
your next question?
Okay, so what kind of guy
are you looking for?
I'm not looking
for any kind of guy.
So, you go for girls?
No, I'm not a lesbian.
Are you a nun?
Good one.
I can't believe
you've never had Moroccan.
I've always wanted
to try it.
And thanks
for inviting me.
Well,
I couldn't have you alone
on Thanksgiving,
now could I?
What, so you don't take
all your students to dinner?
Only my best
and brightest.
( chuckles )
Sparkling water
for the lady,
and a glass of Barolo
for me, please.
Thank you.
You know...
I skipped a grade of school
growing up, too.
Yeah,
it was so frustrating
knowing
that I was smarter
than most
of the adults I knew,
and yet they still
treated me like a child.
I hated, absolutely hated,
being treated like a child.
Yeah,
I really hate that too.
Although,
I technically was a child
until fairly recently.
Yeah, but you've got
an old soul.
And I'm kind of young
at heart,
so I guess we meet
in the middle.
Yeah. Thanks.
Thank you.
Well, cheers.
- ( glasses clink )
- Cheers.
Oh, oh,
that's just masterful.
Really, really delicious.
How's your water?
It's pedestrian,
with a frothy finish.
Would you like
to taste my wine?
Okay.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Okay, okay.
First, breathe in
the bouquet.
All right,
now take a sip.
Let the wine
coat your tongue.
Really?
That looks good on you.
What?
The wine.
It stained your lips red.
Man #2:
It's in every single
sexual fantasy I have.
Things are going great,
and then right before
the main event,
the phone rings.
Man:
Do you answer it?
Man #2:
No, but it still
totally ruins the moment.
So, things
get hot and heavy,
but just before intercourse,
the phone rings.
Man #2:
And then, my penis
becomes the size of a nub.
It practically
disappears.
I'm like a Ken doll
- with no genitalia--
- Oh, uh--
- Good God.
- Sorry.
I thought I was late.
I'm sorry, George.
It is time, in fact.
Let's come back
to this next week, shall we?
Oh, we have a couple
more minutes remaining.
But we could tack
that onto next week?
Absolutely.
Thank you, George.
Okay.
Thank you, doc.
- Call me.
- Carrie!
Carrie!
That was awful.
And I'd appreciate
you not listening in
on my sessions.
Sorry, the door was just
flat enough for my...
for my ear.
Anyway, I was very eager
to get here,
because I have
your precious list,
and I'll have you
know I've already ticked
two things off.
- Really?
- Don't act so surprised.
I'm a very good student,
you know.
All right.
Well, let's hear it, then.
Okay, firstly...
I'll admit the cherry soda
was excellent.
Very good.
The jury's still out
on the goldfish.
They don't do much.
Well, when it comes
to goldfish,
I'd lower
my expectations.
Good start.
Maybe if we can focus
on some of these other things.
Carrie.
What's so great
about being happy anyway?
There are some
brilliant unhappy people.
Kierkegaard, Beethoven,
Van Gough...
Morrissey!
Anyway,
I'm not unhappy.
You'd be
a lot more convincing
if you could look at me
when you say that.
One of these days,
you should decide
you're going to let someone
get to know you.
You can start
by trusting me.
Don't you think
that real companionship
would help?
What about going
on a date?
Any more thoughts
about that?
Why does everyone act
like sex is this magical,
happiness cure-all?
I didn't say anything
about sex.
Well, then,
you're the only one,
because it seems
to be the only thing
anyone talks about.
Who's anyone?
Well, people at work,
people I overhear in cafes.
That weird little perv
who was in here just now,
talking about
his disappearing penis.
Please, leave him
out of this.
Why can't I go into
a grocery store
without being
accosted by headlines
claiming 101 ways
to have an orgasm.
Wouldn't 50 three-ways
be sufficient?
Wouldn't-- wouldn't one?
Well, it's true that sex
is a big part of adult life.
If it weren't,
the human population
would die out.
But it doesn't mean
that everyone
is sex obsessed.
It may seem
like that to you now,
but I would gather
that if you were older
and had more experience,
it wouldn't seem as glaring.
What makes you think
that I'm not
sexually experienced?
Are you?
I can have opinions
regardless of whether
I myself have had sex.
True,
but it's hard to comment
on what it's like
to fly in an airplane
if you've never been
off the ground.
However,
if you have had
sexual experiences,
and you want
to discuss them--
No thanks.
Ew.
Anyway, you can't just
go on a date.
You have to be asked.
Not necessarily.
I refuse to troll
the Internet for a date.
I don't know,
You just might end up
having the most fun
you've ever had.
Or I 'll end up
locked in a crate
and shipped overseas
to be
a Saudi prince's sex slave.
My guess is
it'll probably end up
being somewhere
in between the two.
"Single male
seeks adventurous woman
into hiking..."
Blah, blah.
"Single male, 76."
No.
"Single white male,
engaged and confused.
Due to be married,
but want to test
the waters first."
( scoffs )
That has to be the most
inappropriate ad ever posted.
All right.
( clears throat )
( dialing )
I do not need
to be judged by you
right now, Katherine.
Petrov said,
"Go on a date."
He didn't say it couldn't be
to rat out a cheat.
I could find out
the name of his fiance
and warn her. Huh?
Kill two birds
with one stone.
Cross off the list,
and catch a hypocrite
in the act.
( dials )
( phone rings )
Shh.
It's ringing.
( ringing continues )
Man on recording:
Hello, this is Matt.
Please leave a message.
( beeps )
Hi, Matt.
You sound
really, really cute.
I sympathize
fully with your situation.
I'm dating
this great guy,
but there's
just no chemistry
and I wanna see
if I'm right.
When I saw your ad,
I thought, well,
this could be discreet way
to find out.
Like you said.
My name is...
Gloria Patch.
Gloria Patch.
( mouthing words )
What?
Are last names
even allowed?
Maybe that wasn't
so discreet.
So yeah,
just Gloria.
Call me
and we'll go on a date.
Bye!
Okay, that went well.
Thanks for the support.
What do you mean
I didn't leave my number?
Damn it!
( phone ringing )
Hello?
Matt:
Is-- is that Gloria?
Who?
Oh, yes.
Yes, it is.
This is Matt,
you just called me?
So I did.
But I didn't leave
my number.
Oh, it came up
on my phone.
Oh, cool.
You sound really great.
- Thanks.
- So...
would you like to meet
somewhere or something?
Sure.
How about 12:30
at Aejo on 28th?
It's very nice,
very atmospheric
and very public.
Well, I don't want
too public.
No, no.
Of course.
Well, it's not so public
that you would be outed,
but public enough
that you wouldn't be able
to kill me
without witnesses.
Okay. Okay, well,
that sounds good.
Okay, great, bye.
What does one wear
to expose a cheater?
Not that.
( gasps )
Jesus!
You scared
the crap out of me.
How long have you
been standing there?
No time at all.
I was just about to knock.
Look, I just wanted
to apologize
about what I said
the other day
about you not
being relaxed.
You're right,
I don't know you
and I shouldn't have
judged.
I'm Cy.
Okay, well,
apology accepted, I guess.
Carrie.
I thought maybe
I could invite you
to dinner or something.
- What for?
- I don't know,
I thought it might be fun.
- Fun?
- Yeah, fun.
You've heard
of the concept?
I'm familiar
with it, yeah.
One of the things
that people do
and they indulge in it
to divert themselves
from the true realities
of existence.
Well, look--
If you ever feel like
leaving your apartment--
- Just--
- What the hell is that
supposed to mean?
Nothing, just--
You have a reputation
around here
for being a bit
of a hermit.
Is that right?
Well, if you don't mind,
I'm actually just going
now to meet someone.
A male someone.
See how I'm leaving
the apartment?
I see, yeah.
You might want
to spread the word.
Oh, I'll definitely
do that.
Good.
And Carrie--
got some lipstick
on your teeth.
( scoffs )
I hate it
when that happens.
Hey, party of one?
No, actually, two.
I'm meeting someone.
Really?
Like, a man?
Yeah, a man.
Okay, cool.
Just look around
and see if he's here.
Well, I haven't actually
met him before.
I see.
But I know his name.
It's Matt.
Matt.
Yeah, I think
I know who he is.
- Uh, um--
- Gloria--
Sorry.
That's okay.
( chuckles )
There.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Hi.
( clears throat )
Wow.
You're just, uh...
You're much more beautiful
than I had expected.
Am I?
Yeah, I thought
I would only get
desperate ogresses
applying to an ad
in the "Village Rag,"
let alone a woman
who's into literature.
How did you know
I'm into literature?
Gloria Patch...
from Fitzgerald's
underrated masterpiece,
"The Beautiful
and the Damned"?
Okay.
I'm a massive geek, sorry.
Oh, don't be sorry.
You won't beat me for geekdom.
I'll take that challenge.
- You're on.
- Okay.
Should we order
some drinks?
I'll just stick to water.
Not to be a spoilsport.
No, actually,
I don't drink either.
I never saw
the point of it.
Oh, well, in my case,
it would be illegal.
Really?
How-- how old are you?
- Nineteen.
- Wow.
So, you--
you're a student?
Ex. I graduated
Harvard last year.
No way,
I went to M.I.T.
- Did you?
- Mathematics.
Hang on,
so you must have been 18
when you graduated?
That math degree
came in handy, huh?
Well, that was a little thing
called subtraction.
Have you guys decided?
I'll just--
a quesadilla with water.
And I'll have a diet Coke
and a cheese enchilada.
Great.
I'll take your menus.
Coming up.
A diet Coke?
Yeah, I'm just trying
to keep the weight off
before the...
Yeah, so, I'm surprised
that someone from Harvard
reads the personals.
How else
should I find a man?
Wait for our eyes
to meet
while trying to solve
Fermat's theorem?
Well, Fermat's
was already solved in 1994.
Well, one nil to you.
( chuckles )
- Asshat.
- Shit for brains.
Woman:
Dwayne, Joshua...
I just used
to get called dork.
We actually had a kid
whose last name was Dork.
But it didn't
really hurt him, though.
He was way
too good-looking.
Well, luckily, he didn't have
a first name like Dick.
It was Dick,
his first name.
Dick Dork was a person's name
that you knew?
- Dick Dork.
- Well, I'm gonna have to come
to your apartment
and look at your yearbooks
to make sure
you're not lying to me.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah.
Was it just me
or did you find
everyone in high school
stultifying?
Yes, in fact
if you used that word,
"stultifying,"
in front of them,
they would have shouted
SAT word!
- SAT word!
- Yes.
- I remember that.
- Yeah?
And the teachers
were lousy too.
Well, actually,
two of them
are coming to my wedding.
( clears throat )
What are you doing?
Oh, nothing,
I was just playing
- with my napkin--
- No, no, no.
What are you doing here?
I mean, what's with the ad?
Oh, uh...
My fiance
and I got together
when we were
really young,
and I love her.
I do, but I--
I just sometimes think
something's missing,
and I don't wanna do
the wrong thing,
so I'm just
looking for clarity.
Does that make any sense
or do I just sound like
a total dick?
The two aren't necessarily
mutually exclusive.
When's the big day?
February 4th.
Oh, excuse me!
Hey!
( coughs )
I'm choking!
Oh, I thought
you didn't drink.
and I thought
you'd be a creep.
Would that have helped?
Frankly, yes.
I came here with the intention
of exposing you.
What do you mean?
I read your ad,
and as a member
of the female gender
and people
with integrity everywhere,
it pissed me off.
So, I thought
I'd make a date with you,
find out about
your girlfriend,
and then tell her
she's about to marry a cheat.
- Oh, my God.
- What do you expect?
You're getting married
in two months,
you're trying to meet girls
in classified ads.
- That--
- I thought I'd find
a narcissistic rat bag,
not some handsome,
charming, smart--
you need to be
honest with her.
I know, I know.
You're right and I--
I just want
to be clear about
how I'm feeling
before I do that.
Are you clearer now?
No.
Well, I'm glad
to have helped.
Good luck
with the nuptials...
I guess.
Or not.
Woman:
Oh, yeah.
You liked him,
didn't you?
Whether I did or not
is irrelevant.
He's engaged.
And that is that.
You should definitely
see him again.
What is it about
the word engaged
- that you don't get?
- He's not even married yet.
What's the problem?
Even if he were married,
who cares?
I care!
I try very hard
not to be engaged
in activities
that are harmful
to myself or others.
Okay, you don't think
it's gonna hurt you
to not get to hang out
with someone you like?
You don't think
it hurts to deny yourself
the possibility of love?
Okay, next time
you see Matt,
ask him
his fiance's middle name.
There won't be
a next time.
Why?
Because guys
don't usually
pay attention
to details like that.
But if they're in love,
they do.
They've been
together forever,
of course he's gonna know
her middle name.
So, it's a good test
then, isn't it?
And if he doesn't know it,
I'd say he's fair game.
Yo, yo, yo.
What's up?
What are you guys--
what are you talking about?
Oh, you know,
clothes, makeup, boys.
Hmm.
Sorry I missed that.
So, are you going to see
the legend tomorrow night?
Who?
My recently ex-boyfriend
is playing a gig at Natto's.
Why is he your ex?
Because he chose
to go off with some whore,
that's why.
And she is so not
his type.
Yeah, he much prefers sluts
to whores.
What's his name?
His name is Dex
and he's a jerk.
But he's amazing.
Like, his tongue
should be registered
as a national treasure.
( chokes )
Hey, you should come.
Douglas:
You-- you should totally go.
Sure, why not?
Hey,
that's my philosophy too.
Thank you so much
for going.
I cannot watch
another Dex show.
Never really
felt bad about it
As we drank deep
from the lie
'Cause I felt
melting magnets...
Uh, hi.
Vodka, straight up.
Actually,
what's the one
all
the sorority girls drink,
the one that makes
you really drunk?
- Oh, rum.
- Rum, double.
I.D.?
Can I-- can I give you
my I.Q. instead?
185?
Surely I can be
better trusted with alcohol
than older,
less intelligent people.
Are you 21?
Alcohol
is an organic compound
in which the hydroxyl group
is bound to a carbon atom
so that the chemical makeup
of the ethanol
in your slightly
toxic wares
is C2H 5OH.
I think I can handle it.
- Hey, just lie.
- I'm not a liar.
Well, he's not going
to give you a drink
unless you do.
Well, you know what?
Morality is inconvenient.
Coke, please.
Regular, not that diet shit.
Okay,
you're feisty tonight.
I like it.
But at least let me,
like...
- ( muttering )
- Wait, can--
Why can't people
just like me for who I am?
Nobody likes anybody
for who they are.
That's why
we have to pretend
to be better
than who we are
and then let people
find out the truth later,
you know,
once they've already invested.
That makes you
sound like a psychopath.
Okay, well--
Mm. It's spiked.
Wow, looks like
she is a genius.
Finally,
the recognition
I've been craving.
Maybe--
maybe that was a move.
I don't get why people
are so sex obsessed.
It's like
a national epidemic.
Because sex
is freaking fantastic.
It's not that great.
The kissing part maybe,
but the main event
is nothing to be
obsessed about.
Yes, I win!
I knew you
weren't a virgin.
What do you mean
"you win"?
- Win what?
- Just a bet with Dougie.
About my virginity?
It's not about your virginity,
okay?
I made some money.
Be happy for me.
Your problem is
you haven't had sex
with the right person.
There's a lot
of good, clean sex
going on out there.
And by clean,
I mean dirty, okay?
And just because people
like to do it,
doesn't mean
that they're obsessed.
Do you think people
are sleep obsessed
because they like
to sleep every day?
You have to sleep
for survival.
Some people
screw for survival!
Sleep obsession
doesn't hurt anyone!
Neither does sex,
if it's between
two consenting adults.
The Victorians
forced people
to deny
their natural desires--
Shouldn't our natural desires
sometimes be denied?
Like, what if
your natural desire
is to step on a baby?
Okay, yeah,
you-- you have a point.
- Like, stepping on babies...
- Bad!
...should be avoided
at all costs.
I just think
that people make
an awful lot of excuses
to indulge
in bad behavior
on the pretext that
"I wanted to do it,"
or "if we're discreet,
it won't hurt anyone."
Humans are hypocrites.
And that's what makes us
so bloody interesting.
( chuckles )
What language was that?
That's how you speak.
That's how you come off.
You should know that
about yourself.
Oh, my God.
What is this?
Is this a bucket list?
You aren't dying,
are you?
Because I do not have
the emotional maturity
to deal with
a terminal friend right now.
It's not a bucket list.
Then what is it?
I see a therapist.
He made it for me
to help me be happier.
Oh, honey, you don't need
a list for that.
I'll help you.
Okay, I'm having
a New Year's Eve Party,
for one thing.
You should definitely come.
Also, you should call up
that bad boy from the paper
and give him
the bang of his life.
He'll leave that twit
he's with,
and you'll never be
lonely again.
Do you seriously
think that?
It's not your job
to be
everyone's moral guardian.
If you like the guy,
that's between you and him.
- ( feedback buzzes )
- He's the one
with the fiance.
That's for him
to deal with.
Not you.
Ooh, there he is.
Okay, okay.
Do they say, like,
"Get off the stage
and do me?"
Yes, but not
in a good way.
How can it not be
in a good way?
( playing guitar )
( audience cheers )
Dex, I love you,
you asshole!
( punk music playing )
I have to go.
I know!
He's so good, right?
( Dex singing )
I put my foot down
And I stomp
on the pavement
I'm a wire
through a plaster wall.
( music continues )
Professor Harrison:
What are you
thinking about?
How even
if I started now,
and dedicated
my life to reading,
I wouldn't get
through a fraction
of all of the books
ever written.
You fascinate me,
Carrie Pilby,
you know that?
I find you completely
and utterly enchanting.
Why thank you,
professor from a 1950s
black and white movie.
And so...
You know when I say things
like that--
you're brilliant,
or that I think
you're beautiful,
it's because
I really mean that.
I'm not trying
to flatter you.
What's your favorite version
of Faust?
Don't change the subject.
- No?
- No.
Come with me
Come and see
The chill,
the hush and glimmering
Of green
the mountain stream...
What is this?
I've never heard it before.
You have
an insatiable appetite
for learning.
Yeah, sorry about that.
Don't be.
Under the moon
so round
The moon so round
Anyway
There's really
not that much to say
It's just another day
There's really
not that much to say
It's just another day
There's really
not that much to say
It's just
another day...
Wait here, one minute.
There's really
not that much to say
It's just
another day.
( dialing )
( beeping )
Dad, he's cheating.
You know your friend
you hired to try and fix me,
well, he's doing it
with a married woman.
Woman:
Hello, Carrie.
Your father just stepped away
for a moment.
Sorry, who's this?
I thought
I called my dad.
No, you did,
you did.
Then who are you?
Oh, dear, I probably
should not have
picked up the phone.
This wasn't how
I wanted us to meet.
But I did want
to let you know
how excited I am
that you'll be
joining us here
for Christmas.
The kids
are practically wild
with anticipation--
The kids?
- What?
- Woman: Oh, Daniel,
please tell me
you have told her about us.
Carrie:
Told me what?
Oh, God.
Hello, darling.
- What's the matter?
- Told me what?
What haven't you told me
that this woman
and her children know
that I don't...
apart from that
you're not coming
to New York for Christmas!
Well, it was meant
to be a surprise, darling.
I've got the ticket
so that you could come here.
To London?
But that's
a shit surprise.
You know
I hate London.
And anyway,
you promised
we'd always have
Christmas here
in New York.
You know, darling,
life doesn't always
work out as we--
as we plan it.
We have to adapt.
But why?
And when were
you gonna tell me?
And when are you
ever gonna stop lying?
I thought it was
too long a conversation
to have on the phone,
and so I decided
- I'll wait till you--
- And then what?
When exactly was
the perfect time to tell me
that you're abandoning
our Christmas tradition
because of some woman
you're shagging,
and her kids are obviously
more important.
Now, Carrie,
that is not the way it is.
Matter of fact,
Fliss and I
are going to be married.
I'm sorry,
it sounded like
you just said
you were getting married.
I did.
I am.
We are.
So,
when you come over,
we can have a long luncheon,
talk everything through,
and I'll explain
all to you.
You get to meet Fliss.
I don't want
to meet Fliss.
( stammering )
Darling...
we can sort this out--
Go sort yourself!
( ringtone plays )
( phone rings )
( clatters )
( knocking on door )
Hi.
I can't believe
you called.
Neither can I.
- Allow me.
- Oh.
- I'm glad you did.
- Mm.
Thank you.
Bring me back
Bring me back
to you...
This is a nice place.
Ah, thanks.
Can I get you
something to--
Where is she?
She's at a meeting
in Westchester
with some guy at Craft.
She opened
her own advertising firm
and he is a friend
of her dad's,
so she thinks
he might throw her a bone.
Is that a euphemism?
What? Oh, God, no!
What if he did
throw her a bone?
Would you--
would you be upset?
Maybe.
I mean, I'm not sure...
...taking ahold
Brings me back
Brings me back
to you...
So, are we doing this,
then?
We do seem to be, yeah.
Wanna be
your man, girl
Wanna be
your man, girl...
Mmm-hmm.
( chuckles )
Every time
that I leave
I'm chasing
the wind...
It's a great bookcase.
Yup.
That's where we keep
all the books.
...taking ahold
Brings me back
Brings me back
to you
Wanna be
your man, girl
Wow, where did you even learn
how to kiss like that?
Harvard.
Damn, I don't think
M.I.T. had that course.
- You're doing okay.
- Okay.
Wanna be your man
Oh, love
I wanna be
your man
Your man
Your man
Oh, do you...
( laughs )
Is this--
is this your first time
unbuttoning a girl's shirt?
No, but it's my first time
unbuttoning a man's shirt
from this angle.
I'm actually wearing
a guy's shirt?
I believe so, yeah.
- How can you tell?
- The buttons.
Buttons on the left
for a woman,
buttons on the right
for men.
Look.
- Oh... my God,
- Watch this.
how did I not
know this?
( chuckles )
See?
You can't see,
but I had my eyes closed
for second.
( laughs )
- Um--
- What?
- What's the matter?
- Is that her?
Yes, it is.
She's watching us.
No, no she isn't.
It's just a photo.
It's just a photo.
Stand by me
And we're perfect
Just like you...
Wait, stop.
She spelled "too" wrong.
You make me
so happy...
Uh--
Yeah...
Yeah,
she's a terrible speller.
Let's--
why don't we
just close our eyes
and just try to relax?
Okay?
Oh-- I--
I feel dizzy.
Okay.
I knew we shouldn't have tried
to do this at my place.
All the photos and stuff
are a real mood killer.
You know what else
is a mood killer?
Having a fiance.
Get-- my--
( mumbles )
How are you going
to say vows,
sacred vows
in front of everyone you know,
that you will honor and love
and cherish this woman,
forsaking all others,
when you clearly
don't respect her,
which is the foundation
of all of those things?
You're not going
to leave her, are you?
I--
I really like you.
I really think
we could be good together.
You deserve
to be stimulated by someone
who's on equal footing
with you, and so do I.
Then end this facade
of an engagement.
I will!
I mean, you know,
I might.
I just met you!
Not for me!
For you, for her!
Look, I thought
that you wanted this.
Just because
you want something,
doesn't make it right.
Oh, Jesus, Pollyanna.
This is real life.
Real life
is complicated.
Don't be such a child.
Professor Harrison:
I think this has been
my best semester ever,
Carrie.
Me too.
Oh, I forgot,
I have something for you.
Oh, yeah?
Mmm-hmm.
It's um--
it's more of a loan
than a gift.
I thought
you might like to read
the first edition version.
But, I need it back
because it's really special
to me.
How sweet, thank you.
I promise I'll take
good care of it.
You make me happy,
you know that?
You make me happy too.
Um...
You know
what would really,
really make me happy?
What's that?
If you could say
this one thing for me...
What thing?
( whispering )
I can't say that.
Why not?
Come on,
you're such a quick learner.
And it's just
one little thing.
You only have
to say it once.
You can--
I mean, you can start slow.
It won't sound right.
It won't sound like me.
Sure it will.
Just say it.
What do you want?
I...
I can't.
It's too embarrassing.
Are you serious?
Why can't you
just do what I ask?
Because I don't want to.
And frankly,
I find it a bit demeaning.
It's not demeaning,
it's fun.
Not for me, it isn't.
You know what?
I tried.
But if you can't just do
this one thing for me, then--
Then what?
Jesus, David,
why are you acting like
such psycho about this?
Don't be such
a child, Carrie.
I'll call you a cab.
( phone rings )
( clatters )
Shit!
No!
No, no, no, no.
( exclaims )
Katherine!
Ugh!
I'm sorry!
( whimpers )
I don't understand.
I need you
to take him back.
We can't accept returns.
He's all alone.
I can't do that to him.
And you're the one
that told me
that fish were social.
I already
killed his friend,
I don't wanna kill him
too.
You killed who?
Katherine.
It was an accident.
Did you eat her?
What? No.
What?
Lots of people
eat goldfish on dares.
That is insane.
Please, take him back.
But don't let anyone
eat him.
I told you.
No refunds or returns.
I don't want
my money back.
Just have a heart,
it's Christmas Eve.
Oh...
Store policy.
Hey, hey,
what are you doing?
Be free!
Make friends!
Have a life.
You can't do that.
Take him back.
I don't know
which one is which.
( chuckles )
I'm calling my manager.
Merry Christmas,
Spencer.
( shouts )
( screams )
( knocking on window )
( knocking continues )
Is everything okay?
What?
I heard screaming.
Oh, no!
That was the television.
Oh, okay.
Has your roommate
put you outside again?
Yeah,
but if you don't want me to,
- I could--
- Oh, no, that's fine.
You go ahead.
I'll be here...
obviously.
Hey, hey, hey.
Do you want
to go for a walk?
I mean,
it is Christmas Eve.
Normal people
don't like to spend it alone.
How would you know
what normal people do?
That's just what I'm told.
Don't you have to practice
blowing indeterminate sounds
out of a large piece
of wood?
I could do with a break.
So, do you live alone?
- I do.
- Lucky girl.
My roommate
Ted is insane.
- Really?
- He barely says a word.
And when he does speak,
it's invariably to lie.
It's actually incredible.
I've never met anyone
like him.
How long
have you lived there?
A few months.
I was roughing it,
living in a basement
down in South Jersey
for a while,
just waiting
till I got a job
so I could move
to the city.
I didn't want
to come here
and be owing money
to friends,
or having to live
with four annoying roommates.
- You know?
- Now you just have
one annoying roommate?
( chuckles )
That's a victory
from where I'm standing.
And you actually
have a job
playing the didgeridoo?
There can't be
too many of them
- going around.
- Well, I don't
just play the didgeridoo.
Oh, what else
do you play?
Just some
other instruments.
Like what?
You really want to know?
Otherwise
I wouldn't be asking.
Okay, let's see...
Flute, clarinet,
trumpet, trombone, tuba,
saxophone, guitar, piano,
drums, bassoon,
harmonica,
and the triangle.
I'm actually pretty killer
on the triangle.
And the didgeridoo.
I'm still learning that one,
but yeah.
Did you study music
in college?
Yeah, at Berklee.
Do you like music?
I'd be a weird person
if I didn't like music.
I used to listen
to old records
at my grandmother's
when I was a kid.
I was actually
quite odd
when I was younger,
you know.
Impossible.
( bell dinging )
Who's
your favorite musician?
John Coltrane
at the moment.
Nice.
You heard of him?
He's kind of famous.
You'd be surprised
by how many people
have never said that.
Knowledge
is kind of my thing.
Oh, yeah?
So, were you
one of those head-down
academic types
in high school?
You could say that, yeah.
And I'll bet
you were in every
after school society.
Not every one.
Just Harvard
Model Congress,
Excellent Exegists,
Mathletes, College Bowl.
Wow.
You really were a nerd.
Well, that's something
coming from a band geek.
Touch.
What's your actual job?
I play, um...
I play clarinet
for the New York Philharmonic.
But I mean,
I just started,
so it's-- it's nothing.
That's incredible.
Your parents
must be so proud of you.
You know, you'd have thought
they would be,
but the truth is they really
don't get it at all.
My...
my dad wanted me
to do
something more practical,
I guess.
Ever since
I tried to explain to him
that music's my thing,
he pretty much refuses
to engage
in any discussion about it.
That's awful.
How do you deal
with that?
I don't know.
I didn't for a long time.
And then one day
I just thought,
"Screw this," you know?
I have one life
and I'm allowed to be happy.
You know?
He'll come around
if he comes around.
Yeah.
My dad has
a whole new family.
I just hate the feeling
that I've disappointed him.
Has he disappointed you?
Mmm-hmm.
But that doesn't mean
you don't love him, does it?
No, no, no,
of course not.
So, maybe
it's the same for him?
I mean,
I'm sure he loves you.
What's not to love?
So, uh...
what about you?
- What do you do?
- Oh, proofreader.
Professional, though.
Not one of those amateurs
you hear about.
Oh, I'm sure.
I'm sure.
I'm not like you.
I don't have it
figured out yet.
Well, when you do,
I've got a feeling
you're gonna set the world
alight.
What makes you say that?
That's just what
my gut says.
Do you wanna dance?
No, no.
I dance like
a rhythmless four-year-old.
No, no. Seriously.
You'll have images
you won't ever be able
to get out of your head,
like when you see
- a really bad horror movie.
- I love horror movies.
Seriously, no.
I won't take no
for an answer.
Here, come on.
- Oh...
- Come on.
Okay, okay.
You asked for it.
All right.
Here.
Put your arm here.
( laughs )
- Are you ready?
- Mmm-hmm.
You're freezing.
No, it's okay.
Here.
Take my coat.
Thanks.
Looks good.
Is this yours?
Yeah, Salinger.
You read it?
What am I saying?
Of course you have.
Um--
I-- I have to go.
Go where?
There's just something
I have to do really quickly.
Would you mind
if I borrowed this?
I'll bring it back
tomorrow.
You're really close by.
Of course.
- No problem.
- Thank you.
It's been really nice.
You're not nearly as bad
as I thought you were.
( laughs )
( dial tone )
( dialing )
( phone rings )
Woman:
Merry Christmas!
Hello?
Is David there?
Who is this?
Carrie.
Who?
Can I just please speak
to David?
Professor Harrison:
Carrie?
I want my book back.
What book?
The one I lent you.
My first edition
of "Franny and Zooey."
Yeah, I'm right
in the middle of hosting
a Christmas party.
Can we discuss this next
month when I get back to my
office?
Could you please just do
this one thing for me?
Well,
I'll tell you what.
If I find it, I'll be sure
to let you know, okay?
Merry Christmas, Carrie.
( dial tone )
Okay...
God...
I'm not going to lie.
I don't really believe
you exist.
So, I don't really know
what I'm doing,
or who I'm talking to,
but anyway,
I just thought I might
at least let you know
in the unlikely event
that you did exist,
what my requests
would be this Christmas.
It won't take long,
I promise.
So, firstly,
I'd like things
to be better
for the homeless,
the old, the sick,
and anyone
who's not doing so great.
I'm sorry
for when I judge people.
And I'm sorry
for the not-so-good things
I've done lately.
It just seems kind of hard
to avoid doing them.
But I'll try and do better,
I promise.
Oh, and this might
sound really petty,
but could you please
help everyone learn
how to pronounce
"In Excelsis Deo" correctly?
Thanks.
And...
I know...
that my mom probably
isn't up there with you,
but if she was,
I just want her to know
that I really,
really, really miss her.
And I know
that my dad does too.
As for him,
I'm just tired of fighting.
I just
really wish everything
could be like
it was before.
So, anyway,
that's it I guess.
Amen.
Oh, and happy birthday.
( doorbell buzzes )
I know it's Christmas,
so you don't have to work,
even though you're Jewish,
and technically
you don't celebrate,
but we need to talk.
Are you okay?
Not really, no.
And I'm sorry to interrupt
your non-holiday,
but I couldn't wait
another week to tell you
that your list is crap.
- All right, just hold on--
- No. I will not hold on.
I need you
to listen to me.
Because of you,
I am a fish murderer.
Even worse, I almost slept
with an engaged guy.
And I am
more confused than ever.
Like, is it
so wrong for me
to do what is right
and be happy?
Because if so,
I am destined to be
a miserable person,
list or no list.
Carrie, stop.
Please, come inside--
I know what
you're going to say.
You're gonna say
I can't say the list is crap
because
I haven't finished it yet.
But the thing is,
I can't finish it
because I left
my "Franny and Zooey"
at Professor Harrison's.
- Okay, so get it back.
- I told you, I can't!
I don't need to finish
the list to know that,
shocker--
drinking a cherry soda
will not make my dad
pay attention to me.
Having a goldfish
won't bring my mom back.
It did help me learn,
though, that going on a date
could make me feel
more lonely than ever.
You know what I think?
I think you're the one
who needs a list.
And it should have things
on it like,
"Don't have affairs
with married women."
- Now wait a minute.
- And fine, you're an adult,
so you can do what you like,
but so can I.
And just because
I don't want to do
demeaning or immoral things
doesn't make me a prude.
I mean, a prude
wouldn't sleep with
her English professor,
would she?
You slept with
your English professor?
Dad!
Petrov:
I tried to tell you.
What are you doing here?
What--
what is he doing here?
I was worried about you.
Obviously,
I had a very good reason to.
- Why didn't you call?
- I did call.
You didn't pick up
your phone.
Because my phones
are broken!
Where's your new family?
Did you ship them off too,
so you didn't have to deal
with them?
That's not fair, Carrie.
What he did to me
isn't fair.
That didn't stop him.
Go home, Dad.
I came so that
you wouldn't have to go
to London,
which you seem to hate.
No, I don't hate London,
I hate you!
And I hate
this stupid list!
( sighs )
Well...
that went well.
Give her some time.
Hi.
Wasn't sure
if you'd remember.
It's been such long time.
I'm a prodigy, aren't I?
I think I can remember
the simple phrase,
"If you get lost,
I'll meet you
at Hans Christian Andersen."
Poor guy.
Never found love.
Wrote all those books
for children
and never had
any of his own.
Mm.
Might be a good thing.
If he had them,
he undoubtedly
would have
disappointed them.
I really want you
to like Felicity.
I should have
told you.
But I thought that
if you met her first,
then she and and her kids,
you'd give them
a bit more of a chance.
When your mother
got sick,
I felt that I had
failed her somehow.
My whole reason for being
was to take care of her,
and you.
And then I got
really terrified
that I was going to fail you
as well.
So, I thought
that you would be better off
with people who understood
how to teach you.
I mean, you were so far ahead
of your classmates.
You were brilliant.
And I thought if you went
to college,
you'd meet people
who were of like mind.
I was 14.
I was a freak.
What about
the English teacher?
Made me feel like
less of one.
At the beginning
at least.
Did he... hurt you?
No, no,
it wasn't like that.
You can press charges.
Dad, I don't think
you can press charges
for hurting
someone's feelings.
That's not what
I'm talking about.
I'm talking about the fact
that you were underage.
I was 16.
That's the legal age
of consent.
And anyway,
he never forced me.
He manipulated you.
He used his position.
I'm gonna have him fired.
Well, he's teaching
at Columbia now,
so it looks like
someone beat you to it.
I just wish the bastard
would give me my book back.
- What book?
- "Franny and Zooey."
Don't you remember?
Mom gave me
a first edition
for my 12th birthday.
Oh, yes.
So she did.
You lent him that book?
I thought
he'd appreciate it.
I thought
he'd appreciate me.
Right, that's it.
Come on, let's go.
Where?
We're gonna get
your book back.
- What?
- Where's he live?
Dad,
I really don't think--
Carrie,
where does he live?
Hi.
Hi.
Is David here?
Professor Harrison:
Who is it, Amanda?
There's a girl
here to see you.
Carrie.
What
an unexpected pleasure.
This is Amanda,
my wife.
Carrie Pilby, a student.
Ex-student.
You got married?
Yeah.
Congratulations.
I'm Daniel Pilby,
Carrie's father.
Well, it's nice
to meet you.
We've come to get a book
that your husband's been
kind enough
to look after for me.
Oh, yeah, the book.
Well, it's somewhere
inside the house.
As soon as I have a chance,
I'll find it,
and I'll put it
in the mail.
Why don't we save you
the trouble
and have
a quick look ourselves?
Excuse me.
I already told you,
I don't know where it is.
But you said yourself
it must be here somewhere.
Hello.
Do you mind?
No, not at all.
We won't be a moment.
Happy Christmas.
Same to you.
Library.
Good tidings to you
Wherever you are...
- We've got guests.
- They seem very nice.
Oh!
...And a Happy New Year
We wish you
a Merry Christmas
We wish you
a Merry Christmas...
- Look!
- Ah!
There!
That wasn't
so difficult after all.
Will that be all?
Well,
there is one small thing.
Yes?
- ( grunts )
- ( guests gasp )
( guests mutter )
Borrowing a book
and not returning it
is the height
of rudeness.
- You son of a--
- Yeah.
Come along, Carrie.
We wish you
a Merry Christmas
We wish you
a Merry Christmas...
Man:
Who was this guy?
It looks good on you.
- What?
- The blood.
Turns your lips red.
...New Year.
( song ends )
- ( laughs )
- Are you okay?
I think-- I think
I've broken something.
Bloody worth it,
though, eh?
Let me see.
Let me see.
I think
you're gonna be okay.
I missed you.
And I missed you too.
So, so much.
And I'm so sorry
for everything.
It's okay.
But you need to stop
trying to get me sorted.
I'm 19.
I'm not supposed
to be sorted yet.
Okay.
I come in peace.
Carrie, hi.
I wasn't sure
if you'd show up
for your appointment
today.
Did your dad leave?
Yeah, he did.
I miss him already.
You can go back to sleep
if you want.
No, no.
I was just a little tired.
Long night?
You do realize
it's not appropriate for me
to discuss
my personal life with you.
I think
it would really help me
if you did.
All right.
What do you
want to know?
Was there ever a time
when you thought
that cheating was wrong?
Of course.
I still do.
Then how do
you justify it?
Don't you feel bad?
Yes.
No.
All of the above.
I do part-time consulting
for Cheryl's agency.
She works
with abused children.
We spent
a lot of time together.
I invited her
for coffee.
We talked,
we talked more.
We wanted to spend
more time together.
I suppose I am
what you might call
a hypocrite.
It must bring you great joy
to hear me say that.
No, no.
It doesn't.
Her husband doesn't show her
any affection.
- That's an excuse.
- He's always gone.
- Excuse.
- He's been cheating.
- Excuse.
- And maybe--
Excuse!
( sighs )
Maybe she'll leave him?
Excuse.
I just came
to let you know
that my dad and I
made up.
I'm very glad.
And, okay.
He helped me
to get this back.
"Franny and Zooey."
And as we often say
in my profession,
how did that
make you feel?
Like maybe I should finish
that silly,
or not so silly,
list that I threw
in your general direction?
Oh, I was hoping
you'd say that.
You saved it.
Just in case.
I have a photographic memory,
remember?
Thank you.
So, what are you going
to do about Mrs. Rubin?
I don't know.
Contrary to what the degrees
on the wall may imply,
I don't have
all the answers.
I wouldn't trust anyone
who thought that they did.
Maybe you need
to make her a list.
"Five ways
to leave her husband."
( both laugh )
You know, sometimes...
you really remind me
of your mother.
Thanks.
I'll take that
as a compliment.
Compliment intended.
You are allowed
to be happy, Carrie.
You know that,
don't you?
Your mom
would want that for you.
( shutter clicks )
Shit.
Carrie!
Oh, thank God!
I thought you might
never speak to me again
after I abandoned you
at Dex's gig.
How can I ever
make it up to you?
You already did.
You helped me
cross something off my list.
I did?
Which one?
Make a friend.
- Oh!
- Oh, okay.
You're hurting me
a little bit.
Oh, come on.
I want to introduce you
to Dex.
- Dex? Dex-Dex?
- Yeah.
What, "Nationally
registered tongue" Dex?
- Okay. Okay.
- Oh, sorry!
( muttering )
Oh, Carrie, this is Dex.
Dex, this is Carrie.
Hi, nice to meet you!
Yeah, you too.
Oh, uh--
He seems... nice.
Yeah, he is.
I'll call you.
We'll go for lunch.
Oh, oh!
I would love that.
Well, see you later!
Okay.
Pilby!
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
Are you wearing
eye makeup?
It looks good.
Hey, what's the square root
of 6,023?
Seventy-five.
You're a freaking genius!
- I made it up.
- Like, what's the equation?
What special equations
do you use?
You know what,
I'll tell you on Monday.
You're leaving?
I have a party limit,
and I'm all partied out.
But I'll see you later.
Happy New Year.
Male reporter:
What a scene here
in Times Square!
Hundreds of thousands
of people crammed in here.
Very excited,
counting down to midnight.
Female reporter:
That's a no brainer!
Absolutely.
Man:
Well, I'd like to get
in the hot tub already.
- I'm so cold right now!
- You're cold?
Are you kidding,
it's 40 degrees.
Try living in Minnesota.
- Should they get
in the hot tub?
- Woman #2: They should
because we're freezing
and we would love
to get in the hot tub.
Woman:
You're from Phoenix!
Woman #2: Should
they get in the hot tub?
Male reporter:
Yes, you ladies
get in the hot tub quick!
- Get in the hot tub!
Come on, get in the hot tub.
- Fuck it.
Hey.
Hi.
You must be Ted.
Is Cy in?
Moved out.
What?
When?
Yesterday.
Oh, okay.
Um...
- Well--
- Bye-bye, then.
Oh, okay, um--
Well, is there any way
that I could--
Happy New Year.
Is it--
( footsteps approach )
What is the matter
with you?
Can you not stop lying
for one minute?
Hey, sorry.
You see what I mean?
The guy's a compulsive liar.
You literally can't believe
a word he says.
Nice tux.
Oh, yeah.
We had a concert.
I just got back.
You didn't wanna go out
after?
New Year's Eve
isn't really my thing.
Me neither.
Do you want
to come in?
If that's okay.
Yeah, I think
that could be okay.
Actually, would you mind
waiting here one second?
There's just
something I have to do
really, really quickly.
I'll be--
I'll be one minute.
Okay.
( knocking on window )
You're always
disappearing.
Sorry, I thought
I left the stove on.
That's okay.
This is a much
better spot anyway.
Spot?
To watch the fireworks.
They're about to start.
Here, take my hand.
It's freezing.
I'd loan you my coat,
but someone forgot
to return it.
Oh, right.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Shall I pop in and grab it?
You just stay right here,
Carrie Pilby.
So, what's Cy short for?
Cyrus.
What about Carrie?
Nothing.
It's just Carrie.
What's your middle name?
( music playing )
( rock music playing )
Go on,
make a mistake
Come on,
let's jump in a lake
It's
your favorite song
Watching
the sky turn blue
You always know
where to find me
I used to do nothing
of the kind
See, I'm just sitting here
on this fence
Watching the sky
turn blue
Don't you think
it's about time
About time,
about time
The sun shine
down on you
Leave the take,
I'll take the kids
In the middle
of my coffee break
You'll find me
on the Ferris wheel
Watching the sky
turn blue
Don't you think
it's about time
About time,
about time
The sun shine
down on you
Sun shine down
Oh, oh
Sun shine down
Oh, yeah
Don't you think
it's about time
About time,
about time
Sun shine down
Don't you think
it's about time
About time,
about time
Don't you think
it's about time
About time,
about time
The sun shine
down on you
Watching the sky
turn blue
Sun shine down
Sun shine down
Sun shine down...
( "In The Hall
of The Mountain King"
by Edvard Grieg plays )