Carry on Dick (1974) Movie Script
In the year 1750,
England was going through a period of
lawlessness unprecedented in her history.
Highwaymen terrorised the roads. Footpads
and cut-throats ran riot in the towns.
It hasn't changed much, has it?
In an effort to combat this wave of crime,
King George set up a special police force
called the Bow Street runners,
under the command of a man with
a reputation for being always on the job,
Roger Daley.
You men have been especially chosen
for one task.
To wipe out crime and violence.
And I know I can depend upon you
to do a good job.
Carry on, Captain Fancey.
Thank you, sir. Bow Street runners, atten...shun!
Left turn!
To your duties, quick, run!
Quick, run! Quick, run! Quick, run!
Halt!
Right, everybody out.
Hands up, mate!
Hand over your valuables.
Out and hand over!
But despite these initial successes,
there was one notorious highwayman
who constantly eluded the Bow Street runners.
One Richard Turpin.
More commonly referred to as Big Dick,
owing to the unusual size of his weapon.
Get ready.
Now.
Stand and deliver!
What's the meaning of this?
Keep calm, my dear.
Oh, dear.
This is an outrage!
You don't know who I am!
(Cackles)
I'll have your head for this!
(Whip cracks)
Stand and deliver!
- (French accent) Why have we stopped?
- It's Dick Turpin, ma'am.
- Blimey!
- (Cackles)
- (Women shriek)
- I'll handle this.
Stay where you are! Behave yourselves, now.
Behave yourselves!
You!
Get out of the road,
unless you want this broken across your head!
Excuse me, madam, I don't think
you've noticed what I've got here.
That doesn't scare me.
I've seen bigger ones in my time.
That doesn't surprise me.
You are wasting your time.
We have nothing to give you.
Madame Desiree and her Birds of Paradise.
(Giggling)
And you say you've got nothing to give us?
You must be jesting.
My girls are not fancy women.
They will fight for their honour.
Will they? (Cackles)
- Come on, out of there, the lot of you.
- No, you don't! Stay where you are, girls!
- All right, lads. Get your bags.
- I'll have the big blonde!
Your saddlebags, you fool!
Oh.
All right, ladies, we just want your clothes
and your valuables.
- Oh, is that all?
- That'll do, Lizzie.
(Giggling)
- Come on, in there!
- Girls, will you please...
Give us that!
Ladies, don't worry.
The only harm you'll suffer will be physical.
(Dick cackles)
You'll get nothing from us, I tell you. Not a thing.
Do you mind, madam? They know what I want.
Come here.
Shall I rush 'em now, Sergeant?
No, I think we'll let them uncover
a little more evidence first.
(Squeals of delight)
I see what you mean, Sergeant.
Catch them right in the act, eh?
I'll not leave it as late as that.
Far enough!
You can see they're not hiding anything.
- Now, then, what about you?
- No, you are not having it off.
That's not what I had in mind.
What's on the end of that gold chain?
No... No, you must not touch that.
It is my only means of support.
- Let me have a look at it.
- You mustn't!
(Cockney)
I told you it was my only means of support!
(Whistle blows)
Stay where you are!
We are Bow Street runners.
You're under arrest.
- Drop 'em!
- She just did.
No, no. The pistols.
Oh, these?
All right. Stand away from 'em, ladies.
How do we get 'em away from here, Sergeant?
Er... Yes, I was just wondering about that.
That shouldn't be a problem.
We've got our horses over there.
You'd love that, wouldn't you?
I wasn't born yesterday.
Of course you weren't.
You're too clever for the likes of us.
What else can you do?
You can't use the lady's coach.
No, we can't use the lady's coach. We... we...
And why not? Can you think of a better way?
See? I told you
you were too clever for us.
That's if it's all right with you, ma'am.
- Just to take 'em to the nearest lockup.
- With pleasure.
Thank you, ma'am. I'll send it right back for you.
All right, you. Get in.
After you, Sergeant.
How very kind, sir.
That's very nice of you, you don't...
(Guffaws)
Oh, no, you must think I'm a right mug.
Get in! Come on, the lot of you.
Quick as you like.
Cover them all the time.
Use your loaf, I'll see promotion for you.
- Leave it to me, Sergeant.
- Good lad. That's it.
Make a bit of room for me, lads.
I'll just sit on the outside.
Aargh!
(Horse whinnies)
(Dick cackles)
Come on.
Come back! Come back!
We're here, m'lud.
- Bow Street.
- Get in there and bring out Captain Fancey!
Yes, m'lud.
I could wear a codpiece.
I wouldn't advise it, my Captain.
The price of cod today...
(Knock at door)
- Yes, what is it?
Begging your pardon, Captain.
Oh, Bullock!
- I told you I was not to be disturbed.
- Yes, Captain, but the chief's outside.
The chief? Sir Roger?
My coat.
Why didn't you tell me, you fool?
- But I just did, Captain.
- Don't bandy words with me. Out of the way!
Sir Roger, what an unexpected... pleasure.
We hadn't expected you back for over a week.
Nor would I be, were it not for that wretch Turpin!
You mustn't let these trifling matters concern
you, sir. We have the matter well under control.
It may be of interest to you to learn that he
robbed me on the road to York last night.
- He's taken everything we've got.
- You'd better discuss this inside, sir.
Oh, I beg your pardon, milady!
He really did take everything, didn't he?
- Everything!
- Where exactly did this happen, did you say?
- On the road to York.
- Just outside Dencher, Captain.
Would that be Upper or Lower Dencher?
- About halfway between the two.
- In that case, we've nothing to worry about.
You may have nothing to worry about, Captain,
but you have not been travelling all night
with your bare buttocks on cold leather.
No, sir, I've had one of my best men patrolling
that stretch of road, Sergeant Strapp.
If Turpin was around, he'll have had him,
you can be sure.
I hope for your sake that you're right,
Captain Fancey.
You can depend on it, sir.
Nothing gets past old Jock Strapp.
(Horse neighs)
Ah, here he is now.
Well, Strapp, what happened?
Well, sir, I thought I'd better report to you
personally, sir.
- Good.
- See, we ran into Turpin's gang last night.
- And you apprehended him?
- Well, yes, sir...
What did I tell you? Good old Jock!
There's one slight problem, sir. He got away.
I knew he wouldn't let me dow...
- He got away? How?
- It's a long story, sir.
I don't want to hear any long stories,
you incompetent dunderhead!
I'm sorry. There's been a slight mishap, my lord.
I know. I heard.
Don't worry, I intend to take personal charge
from now on.
I promise you I'll have Dick Turpin
hanging from a gibbet within a month,
or my name is not Desmond Fancey.
There's only one comment
I have to make on that, Captain.
- (Horse farts)
- And that's it.
Pardon.
Quite right, Captain. There's something wrong
with the hang of the breeches at the front.
- Just stand still a moment.
- I'm far too busy to worry about that now.
- Go on, Strapp.
- As I was saying, sir,
all these hold-ups seem to have happened
within a 20-mile radius of this area here.
Yes, yes. Well?
We can deduce from that that Turpin's
headquarters are somewhere around there.
What?! Oh, any imbecile could see that, man!
Well I just wanted to make sure that you did.
Of course I did. Are you implying that
any imbecile has got more sense than I have?
No, sir.
I should hope not. Any fool can make fatuous
generalisations like that.
What I want to know is,
where is his headquarters? Where?
I was just coming to that.
There's a notorious inn
just as you go into Lower Dencher here.
It's the Old Cock, on the right.
That's where we've been going wrong!
- What?
- I've made provision on the left.
Will you shut up about the wretched breeches!
Go on, Strapp. Go on.
Well, sir, the Old Cock's been well known as
a meeting place for criminals for many years.
And I think that is where
we should start looking for Turpin.
- Whoa!
DICK: Stand and deliver!
Deliver, I say! Deliver!
(Baby cries)
Oh, well. You can't win 'em all.
(Cackles)
I think we'll have a word with the good rector.
What for, Captain?
It never does any harm
to have the godly on one's side.
Whoa.
Good day, gentlemen. May I be of help?
Possibly. Are you the rector here?
That is my good fortune, sir.
The Reverend Flasher.
Well, Reverend Flasher,
is there somewhere confidential we can talk?
In the vestry. Follow me.
Ow!
Tom, I'd like to speak
to these gentlemen privately.
Right, sir.
This looks more like an armoury
than a vestry, Rector.
We do find it useful to keep a few pistols handy.
Against thieves, you mean?
And reluctant bridegrooms.
Thank you, Tom. You may go.
I've got the odd feeling
I've seen that man somewhere before.
Gentlemen, I don't like to rush you, but I have
a marriage and a christening to perform today.
Sounds as if they keep you busy, Rector.
The same parties are concerned in both events.
Methinks someone's
been putting the cart before the horse.
That's the usual practice here, I'm afraid.
Yes, a romp in the hay is worth
a bun in the oven, anytime!
All right, thank you,
we don't wish to know that, Sergeant.
- Sergeant?
- Yes. Confidentially, we are Bow Street runners.
In truth?
In truth,
I am Captain Fancey, this is Sergeant Strapp.
- Why be so secretive about it?
- We don't want anyone to know who we are,
especially the one they call Big Dick.
Then why tell me?
A man in your position
has everyone's confidence.
You might hear of something of value to us.
Yes, Captain, but if I did, I couldn't possibly
betray that confidence. You know that.
There's a reward of 100 guineas
for information leading to his capture.
Perhaps I could make an exception.
I thought you might.
I'm a mere man like yourself.
I'd like to get my organ in use again.
I beg your pardon?!
The bellows are leaking
and it does cost so much to repair it.
If you do hear anything,
we shall be at the Old Cock Inn.
- Ah, yes. I know it.
- Incognito, don't forget, so mum's the word.
Yes, Mum.
- Beg your pardon, sir.
- Yes, Harriet, what is it?
Mistress Hoggett sent me to say
the wedding party is coming.
Gentlemen, if you'll excuse me.
We'll be leaving you now.
- That way.
- Of course, yes.
A comely wench indeed!
I wouldn't mind putting my cart before her.
The cart before...
Bye, my love.
That tall one...
I'm sure he was one of the Bow Street runners
the other night.
- They both are.
- How do you know?
They told me.
They want me to help them catch Big Dick!
Here, does this mean
we've got to lie low for a bit?
Well, we'll see.
What did he mean when he said
he wanted to put his cart before me?
That's a bit difficult to explain in so many words.
Couldn't you show me?
WOMAN: Rector!
- Oh, blast.
- Yes, Miss Hoggett?
- Rector, the wedding party has arrived.
(Baby cries)
So I hear. Would you please
start playing the wedding music?
- Very well, Rector. The usual march?
- Fight The Good Fight.
Very good, Rector.
Tonight we're going to go to the Old Cock Inn.
Are you game?
Oh, yes, sir!
Ooh, I'd do anything for you.
You know that.
Do you mean that? Anything?
Anything.
Well, in that case...
Yes?
Go and... pump the organ.
Oh.
(Bawdy laughter)
Evening, ma'am.
Don't you "evening" me!
What are my girls doing down here?
I don't know. I haven't been watching 'em.
You know my orders!
They are only allowed down here to perform.
- I thought that's what they were doing.
- That's enough.
Back to your room, all of you!
Go on.
(Shouts of protest)
You ought to know better
after all my careful training.
Go on, get up them stairs!
You minx, madam. Go on!
(Drunken jeers)
I am warning you lot for the last time.
This is for the next man who tries to make free
with one of my girls!
- I wouldn't fancy a poke with that.
- What did you say?
Your blade, ma'am.
You handle it too expertly for my liking.
I shouldn't worry.
You don't look as if you've got much to lose.
Ha-ha! Much to lose!
Shut up.
Remember, we're supposed to be criminals.
Try to act like one.
Give us your tuppence and be off.
Tuppence for a quart?
Daylight bloody robbery, that's what it is.
Bloody prices round here.
Two porters please, landlord.
Hello, sir. Room all right?
It'll do. One can't be too particular
when one's on the run.
Is the law after you, sir?
After him?
You've obviously never heard of
Dandy Desmond.
- Randy who?
- Dandy!
Dandy Desmond.
He's wanted for robbery in six counties.
It's a great honour to have you with us, then, sir.
If I can do anything for you,
- don't you forget to give me the nod.
- There is something.
I'm very anxious to meet this highwayman
I've heard so much about.
What is it you call him? The Big Dick?
- You mean Turpin?
- Ah, that's him, yes. Do you know him?
No, sir, nobody does...
except old Maggie over there.
She claims Big Dick
went to her for treatment once.
He must have been hard up at the time.
Ha-ha!
No, sir, not that sort of treatment.
She's the local midwife.
Midwife? What on earth
could have been wrong with him?
Maybe it was his birthday.
- Birthday, ha-ha, ha!
- Shut up.
Come along.
What on earth possessed you to give me
a name like Dandy Desmond?
I don't know. It just sort of popped out.
It does seem to suit you.
Wanted in six counties? With a name like that,
they'll be wondering what for.
I was only trying to help.
In future, kindly leave the talking to me.
Good evening, missus.
Mind if we join you?
What do you want?
I was told as how you might be able to assist us.
Oh.
I understand you've met Dick Turpin.
Maybe I have, maybe I haven't.
I can't rightly remember.
Now, then, Maggie, I feel sure
we may be able to... jog your memory a little.
- Oh, it's just come back to me, sir.
- I thought it might.
Big Dick come up my place one night
with some buckshot in his cheek.
So you saw his face?
No, not that cheek, silly.
You mean he kept his face mask on?
Of course. But I'd know him anywhere again
with his breeches down.
Really? How?
Dear, oh, dear, it's gone again.
Memory do play queer tricks, don't it?
It comes back to me now.
How would you recognise him
with his breeches down?
Well, he's got this funny birthmark on his diddler.
- On his what?
- You know what a diddler is, don't you?
A diddler is a slang term for...
Flap me sideways!
I've never heard it called that before.
You haven't been diddled as often as me, ducky.
(Cackles)
A fat lot of good that was!
Not that my opinion counts for much,
but I would say that is quite a valuable clue.
Really? What do you suggest we do now?
Hold a diddler identification parade?
Any suggestion I make would be quite useless.
And to point out that Big Dick might well be
someone in this room, utterly stupid.
The height of folly indeed!
Distinguishing birthmark or not, sooner or later
he's got to answer the call of nature.
The call of... what? I don't follow you.
No, but I'll follow him!
Jock, my dear fellow!
They don't call you Jock Strapp for nothing!
You don't hang about.
With your permission, I'll start on that one.
I beg your pardon. Sorry.
How do you do?
What are you up to?
Er... nothing. Er... nice place.
Do you come here often?
(Laughs nervously)
Well?
Not that one, but I'll keep trying.
What a place to look for clues.
Right, now, then!
Could I have a bit of quiet, please?
Nice and quiet, because this is the moment
we've all been waiting for!
It's my great pleasure to introduce
Madame Desiree and her Ois...
Oswas...
Madame Desiree and her bloody birds!
(Cheering)
(French accent) The glories of all women,
their charm and their traditions,
we are now proud to show to you...
in different positions.
The sirens of the rock.
These maidens lured all sailors to their doom
in ancient history,
though who did what and how,
has forever been a mystery.
Right, let's go in.
Good evening, Rector.
Evening, Bodkin. What's going on?
It's just a travelling show to amuse the lads.
PATRON: Get 'em off!
The vestal virgins of old Rome,
who from their birth were taught
to stay forever pure and chaste,
but never to get caught.
Very instructive. Are those the ones
that were held up on the road the other night?
That's right, Rector. By Big Dick.
(Tuts) Dear, oh, dear. The quicker that villain's
caught the better, eh, Tom?
That's right, sir.
No-one's safe from Big Dick, and that's a fact.
Alas, yes.
The shepherdesses who spend the day
in search of a stray lamb,
and oft would spend most of the night
looking for... a ram.
(Laughter)
A ram!
Look, over there.
The nymphs of the forest.
The maidens of the woodlands,
they hunted for sheer love of it,
were oftentimes called nymphs
because they couldn't get enough of it.
Do you mind?
I see you have strangers in, Bodkin.
Oh, them.
Aye, they've come in from London today.
- He calls himself Dandy Desmond.
- Dandy Desmond?
Perhaps I can get him into the choir.
We're short of a soprano.
And finally, our maids at rest,
so languorous and so sightly,
'tis not the show that tires them so,
but doing it twice nightly.
Twice nightly!
Ha-ha!
You wait here.
Hello, Maggie.
Where have you been?
I didn't see you in church on Sunday.
I'm not surprised, Rector. I wasn't there.
Another meeting of the Purity League.
William, isn't it time you came to church again?
What do you mean, Rector?
I was there last Sunday. I took the collection.
I know. Next Sunday, I want you to bring it back.
Excuse me, gentlemen. Mind if I join you?
By all means, my dear Rector. By all means.
As long as you don't start lecturing us
on the error of our ways.
Have you had any luck with your investigations?
Yes, we have an important clue
as to his identity.
You have? And what is that?
It appears he has a curious marking on his -
if you'll pardon the expression, Reverend -
on his diddler.
Diddler? I don't know what that is.
Well, perhaps a more familiar word for you
would be...
Oh.
- But I fear that won't be of much use to you.
- Why not?
Well, so many folk round here keep poultry.
I don't mean that kind of co...
This is very difficult.
If I may be permitted to speak?
What he means, Rector,
is that he's got a birthmark on his...
Ah!
Now he's got it!
Now I have got it, yes.
But I don't think it's possible
that Jack the woodcutter...
Jack the woodcutter?
He's the only one I know that has a chopper.
A cho... No...
This is ridiculous.
Reverend, do you know the difference
between a man and a woman?
Of course.
Well, that's it, the difference.
It's on his difference.
Oh, yes! Now I understand.
A- ha!
Oh, dear. I hope I haven't said anything
to upset your friend.
- Oh, no. He's going to have a look.
- At what?
At his difference... at his diddler...
Don't start that all over again!
I can't tarry any longer. Duty calls.
- Don't let me detain you, Rector.
- Goodbye, my son.
I will pray for success
to follow up your every endeavour.
And up yours too, Rector.
That's funny.
What's funny?
- It looks like rain.
- Rain?
Outside. You see... No, I didn't mean that.
Well, anything?
Nothing.
I fear this is going to be a long job.
Well, if it is,
it will be easier for me to see, won't it?
(Knock at door)
- Who's there?
A friend, ma'am, come to wish you well.
In this place, I should say so.
Forgive the intrusion, ma'am.
I am the rector of Upper Dencher.
(French accent) Oh, well, um...
do come in, Rector.
Thank you.
I hope I haven't come at an awkward moment.
What? Oh, no, I was just tidying up.
Allow me.
I felt I had to come, ma'am,
after hearing of your terrible experience
at the hands of that ruffian Turpin.
Very kind of you, I'm sure, Rector.
When I think of it, those lovely young ladies
of yours being made to strip half naked...
Oh, I wish I'd been there.
- What?
- To offer my protection.
Oh, yes, of course.
If ever a man deserved to be hanged it's him,
after what he did to me.
Whatsoever a man soweth,
that shall he also reap.
No, he didn't do anything like that.
Just a quotation, ma'am.
Galatians, chapter 6, verse 7.
Oh, yes, of course. Yes.
Also, it seems terrible that with such a definite
clue to his identity, we cannot bring him to book.
Oh? What clue is that?
Oh, dear. You haven't heard?
No, what is it?
Well, it is of a somewhat delicate nature, ma'am.
Oh, I'm sure you can tell me, Rector.
Perhaps if I may whisper?
Really?
How very unusual!
Not that I have had experience of these things,
of course.
Well, I did warn you
it was a somewhat delicate matter.
It is not quite the same as comparing fingerprints
or anything else, is it?
No, indeed. No.
It's also so frustrating
when I almost know for certain who he is.
- You do?
- Oh, yes.
But then, what can I do about it?
Perhaps if I were a woman...
Oh, yes!
I see what you mean.
There's 300 sovereigns for information
leading to his apprehension, isn't there?
- That is so, ma'am.
- Then, if I could provide the necessary proof...
What? Oh, no, no.
I couldn't possibly allow you to...
to expose yourself to such an indignity.
I should not be exposing myself, Rector.
- But even so, ma'am...
- Think what a service I'd do for the community.
Yes, perhaps that might be worth the sacrifice.
Of course. Now, who do you think this Turpin is?
At this very moment, ma'am,
he is sitting downstairs.
- Here cometh the first lesson.
- Why? What's going on?
It's what's coming off that matters.
Do you know, I could just manage them two.
Look!
Blimey, I'll be in there all night.
It's working.
Yoo-hoo!
Is anybody there?
Ah, there you are, you little minx.
- Your note, I believe.
- Was it a great surprise to you?
To be frank, my dear, no. I have
what you French call a certain je ne sais quoi.
Yes, and I hope to see it, mon cher.
You shall, my dear, all in good time.
Don't rush me.
I think that two people like us, living in the
same place, should get better acquainted.
Oh, quite definitely. Oui, oui.
What exactly did you have in mind?
I was about to have a bath.
Perhaps you will join me.
If it's all the same to you, I'll...
A bath together, you mean?
You English say such very naughty things!
Let me help you off with your things.
Certainly not. What an outrageous suggestion!
- But am I not a desirable woman?
- Yes...
Let's take off your breeches
and have a paddle with me.
What a disgraceful suggestion!
Certainly not. You're mad!
Girls!
- Girls!
- Are you out of your mind?
The gentleman
needs some assistance to disrobe.
No! No! No!
Get 'em off, girls!
Madam!
STRAPP: No, please!
Get off me! Sorry, I beg your pardon.
Look, you've got it all wrong.
I'm not a Peeping Tom!
You don't understand.
I was on there on business!
Look, I...
Ow! Get off! Mother!
What are you playing at?
Leave me alone! Get off!
Let's go.
He who covets another man's weapon
shall himself be smitten.
Isaiah?
No, the Reverend Flasher.
(Church bells ring)
(Dress fastenings twang)
Ooh!
- Ooh, Rector. Sorry.
- Don't apologise.
Tom, you'd better pump the organ today.
Have we got enough out there
for a good collection?
I'll just pop out and see.
If you pop out any more,
we'll have standing room only.
CONGREGATION: Amen.
As I look round my little flock this beautiful day,
I cannot help but be struck by the thought
that seldom under one roof can there
have been gathered such a fine collection...
of thieves and fornicators.
Oh, yes.
You may well look guilty and ashamed,
all of you.
What has become of
the priceless gift of virginity?
Gone.
What has become of
the promised sanctity of marriage?
Gone.
If there is one man, just one man amongst you,
who can say in all truthfulness that within
the past week he has not committed adultery,
then he may leave this church now
and go with my blessing.
Ah... we have at least one good man with us.
Well done, Brother Bodkin.
It's not that, Rector. You just reminded me
where I left my hat last night.
(Riotous laughter)
RECTOR: Bye-bye.
CHURCHGOER: Bye-bye.
- Bye.
Thank you, Rector,
for a most interesting sermon.
Thank you, ma'am. One can but sow the seed
and pray that it will bear fruit.
Oh, but of course.
I must tell you that the man
you suspect of being Dick Turpin,
I'm afraid we did not succeed
in getting a look at his er...
you know.
Oh, well, ma'am, no matter.
I've since learned that he doesn't have one.
Oh, dear, the poor man!
- Birthmark, I mean.
- Oh, I see.
Good day, ma'am.
I should advise caution in your dealings
with that woman, Rector.
Oh? How so?
She is, not to put too fine a point on it,
a shameless doxy.
Oh, I'm afraid you misjudge her, sir.
Misjudge her? The minute I entered her room,
she asked me to bath with her.
Perhaps she wanted to show you
the beauties of that fair city.
Not that Bath!
But you're not far from the truth.
I know what beauties she wanted to show me.
(Tuts) That is terrible, terrible.
Tell me, did you er...
Certainly not! I came here for one thing
and one thing only...
That is what I was asking you. Did you?
...to apprehend this rogue Turpin.
Ah, yes, of course.
I shall pray for your success in that venture, sir.
Don't worry, Rector.
I'll have him on the end of a rope's end,
or my name's not Desmond Fancey.
He'll have to go.
I think that covers it, Sergeant.
"Have important clue to identity of Turpin.
Investigation proceeding."
Sounds all right, Captain.
Get it off to the chief right away.
I often wonder what chance crime has against
the modern scientific methods at our disposal.
None, sir, none.
It seems incredible that that message
will be in London this time tomorrow morning.
It's like a miracle, sir.
Well, get it off, then.
Look out, sir!
(Splat)
Oh! Filthy beast! Give me a bit of paper.
Don't be silly,
that pigeon will be miles away by now.
Oh, yes.
Stop!
If you value your lives, don't make a move.
- What do you want?
- The one who calls himself Dandy Desmond.
BOTH: That's him.
- Which one of you is looking for Big Dick?
BOTH: He is!
What do you want with him? Speak up,
or would you rather a shot through your guts?
You heard the man. Tell him.
We know where we can get our hands
on a great deal of money, you see.
That's right. A fortune!
The job is a little big for just the two of us.
- Much too big!
- We thought he might like to join us.
That's right. Share!
What exactly is this job?
Well, it's...
We'll not discuss it with anyone
but Big Dick personally.
Personally.
Very well. Be on the London Road
at ten o'clock tonight,
four miles out by the blasted oak.
- We'll be there.
- Come armed and wear these.
What about that?
I've tricked him. He's fallen right into my trap.
Your trap?
Don't you see? He'll meet me face to face.
Well, well. And I suppose I had nothing
whatsoever to do with it?
Nothing. I have the sweet smell of success.
I'm glad about that.
I thought it was the pigeon.
Hello, Bodkin.
What have they got you in there for, eh?
I got involved in a fight with Katy's husband.
It was bad luck.
- What do you mean, bad luck?
- He found my hat before I could get back there.
Too much of a gentleman, you are.
Next time, keep your hat on.
You rotten so-and-so! Get out of it!
I shall get my own back.
I shall piss in your ale!
(Laughter and whooping)
Ahem! Afternoon, Constable.
What, eh?
- Are you busy, then?
- No... no, of course I'm not.
Good, I wanted to have a word with you.
Shall I come in?
No... I'll er... come out there.
Get off.
Well?
- You forgot to lock it.
- That's all right. Katy's not a prisoner.
She's come in here to make a complaint,
you see.
(Coughs and wheezes)
- Her husband beat her up.
- Oh, I see.
Well, she was showing me how he did it.
Yeah, I saw that as well.
Would you mind telling me what it is you want,
please? I'm in a hurry.
Yes... what was it, now?
I know it was something important.
Oh, for pity's sake!
- I've got it.
- So have I.
I do hear as how you're after
this Dick Turpin fellow. Is that right?
Of course we are. What about it?
If you're out on the London Road
ten o'clock tonight, by the old blasted oak...
Ten o'clock by the blasted oak.
Here they come.
Right on time.
This looks like the place.
That's not a blasted oak, it's a bloody yew.
No, that one there, sir.
Oh, that one. I see.
Mask.
- It's me! Put your mask on, sir.
- Oh, yes.
(Rumble of carriage wheels)
That should be the constable.
- I hear something.
- What?
I said I think I hear something coming!
- I know what you said, but what?
- It sounds like a coach.
Why would he be in a coach?
It's bang on ten o'clock, so it must be him.
All right, don't panic.
- Pistol.
- What? I haven't had a drop.
- No, sir. Pistol.
- Oh, pistol. Yes.
Get ready, lads. We're coming up to it now.
You wait here. I'll get in position.
Stand and deliver!
That's him! Get 'em, lads!
What do you think you're doing?!
STRAPP: Leave me alone!
STRAPP: Get your hands off me immediately!
FANCEY: You have no right to behave like this!
All right, Turpin, the game's up.
- You might just as well come quietly.
- I'm not Turpin!
Oh, no, of course not.
I am... I am Captain Fancey
of the Bow Street runners.
And I'm Titania, Queen of all the Fairies.
(Jeers and laughter)
Right, back to business.
(Cock crows)
Ah.
It's after ten o'clock, sir.
Goodness gracious me.
I feel as if I've been up all night.
- You have, sir.
- Pardon?
You didn't get in until
after two o'clock this morning.
Was it that late? I had no idea.
No matter. As long as you got what you wanted.
What do you mean by that, Miss Hoggett?
You went to Squire Trelawney's to get
donations for the church sale tomorrow.
Of course I did.
Even so, I was surprised it took you so long.
Well, I did drop in to see old Mrs Giles.
She's very poorly, I'm afraid.
Oh, can it be wondered at?
Her husband treats her shamefully, I hear.
You'd never believe he was once a knight.
(Tuts) It's too much for a woman of that age.
Speaking of that, sir,
I think you ought to do something
about Harriet soon.
In what way, Miss Hoggett?
Well, she was very late in again last night,
only two minutes before you.
I think she's up to no good.
I'm sure there's some
quite innocent explanation.
Well, I'm not.
And I discovered, quite by chance, of course,
quite a large amount of money hidden away
in the drawer in her room.
Really?
Yes! Now, I don't know where she's getting it,
but I'm sure she's not getting it from you.
You're dead right...
You're quite right, Miss Hoggett, I'm afraid.
I'll have a serious talk with her.
Oh, by the way,
news came through from the constable.
They've caught Dick Turpin!
Well!
That really is wonderful news.
Now all innocent,
God-fearing people can travel about in safety.
(Jeering and laughter)
Stop it, you hear? You don't know who I am.
I'll have you all arrested!
Go away! Leave me alone!
Oh, it's humiliating! Ooh!
It's a waste of good food, an' all.
Is that all you can say
after getting me into this predicament?
Me?! What did I do?
Nothing! Couldn't you see
we were being led into a trap?
Excuse me, but I was distinctly under the
impression that they were walking into your trap.
If you can't talk sense, shut your trap.
If the chief could see me now.
Oh, stop it! Go away!
Get off home!
Urgent message from the parish constable
at Upper Dencher, sir.
Right, give it here.
Stone the crows!
- 'Od's teeth! What is it?
- Urgent message just come in, sir.
Can't you deal with it? I'm very busy.
It says they've caught Turpin, sir.
What?!
Let me see that.
Step me sidewards, it's true!
Did Captain Fancey have anything to do with it?
No, sir, not that I know of.
That doesn't surprise me.
Tell your constable I shall come myself.
- I'll order your coach, sir.
- No, not yet.
I have a bit of business to clear up here. I shall
travel overnight and be with him in the morning.
(Knock at door)
- Yes, Miss Hoggett?
- I have Harriet here, sir.
- Oh, yes, the talk.
- Bring her right in, please.
- Come along, Harriet. The Rector wants a word.
Miss Hoggett,
I think it would be better if you left us.
I may have to say things that could prove
shocking to anyone of your gentle upbringing.
Oh... very well, sir.
Thank you.
You old rogue!
She's listening.
(Clears throat)
Now, Harriet,
I must have a very serious talk with you.
Ooh, yes, sir!
I am very shocked to hear from Miss Hoggett
that you have been staying out late
on several occasions.
- Is this true?
- I cannot tell a lie, sir.
I have been a bad girl.
It must stop right away, do you hear?
Oh, but, sir, you see, I cannot help myself.
Something gets the better of me.
Then you must fight the good fight,
fight against it. Get thee behind me, Satan.
Anything you say, sir.
You must learn to resist the temptations
of the flesh and fight against the devil, and...
when he beckons most strongly
and the flame of purity burns at its weakest.
Oh, I will try, sir. I promise you.
Now is the time to cry, "Enough!"
From now on, I swear I'll be a good girl.
Oh, very good.
It is not enough to say that you will be good.
Deeds are more powerful than words.
The temptation to sin is forever with us.
You've got to get on top of it!
I am on top of it now. I'm sure of that, sir.
Get off, you little devil.
No, I might not get another chance like this.
Want a bet?
Oh, sir, all I want is your forgiveness.
Give it to me. Please, give it to me!
I wish I had the time.
First you must prove yourself
by stopping what you're doing.
Aagh! Become once again
in thought and deed...
(Aside) Get off...
Get off the road to ruin and let go...
(Aside) Let go, you little...
Let go the devil and his ways. Stop!
Thank you, Miss Hoggett.
I feel much better now.
Rector?
Oh, Rector. Are you all right?
Oh, yes, thank you, Miss Hoggett.
It's always so distressing to me,
a scene like that.
Poor girl.
Don't waste any pity on her, sir.
She was more than ready for it.
How right you are, Miss Hoggett.
How very right.
Oh, Rector,
I can't bear to see you unhappy like this.
Thank you, Miss Hoggett.
- Oh, no, not again!
- Let me comfort you. There, there.
Well, I still don't see why
I have to come with you.
I thought you would enjoy seeing the wretch who
stripped us of all our belongings behind bars.
It's reassuring
it can never happen again, certainly.
Exactly, my dear.
Halt! Stand and deliver!
- What the devil's going on?
- Everybody out.
Oh, no. It can't be!
All right, Tom. Stable 'em.
Right-o.
You did very well tonight, Harriet.
Oh, thank you, sir.
I must say, it is a pleasure working for you.
You're a good girl.
You don't want to believe
everything you read in my references.
Don't tell me a nice young girl like you
has strayed from the primrose path.
- Oh, no, it was indoors.
- I hope it was only once.
I don't know.
Nobody ever taught me how to count proper.
- Well, we'll have to do something about that.
- Will you teach me, sir?
- I'd be very happy to.
- To count right up to a hundred?
Well... up to three, for a start.
Three... How many's that?
Well, for instance...
that's one... and that's one, too.
Well, I know that.
No, we'll start again. Hang on.
That's one... and one makes two.
Yes?
And two and one makes three.
Ooh, that's lovely. Show me again.
- With pleasure.
- Who's that down there?
It's all right, Miss Hoggett, it's only me.
You nip off to bed
and don't forget to say your prayers.
What for? I never seem to get what I ask for.
Have patience.
Oh, Miss Hoggett,
you shouldn't have waited up for me.
I was worried about you, Rector.
I didn't know where you'd got to.
I didn't get anywhere, I'm afraid.
- But it's after midnight!
- Is it?
Well, I stopped by with old Mrs Giles.
She's failing fast, I fear.
Oh, sir, again?
You give far too much of your time
to people in need, I fear.
Well, you know what the Good Book says,
"Tis better to give than receive."
What you need, sir, is someone by your side,
to comfort you, share life's burdens.
Warm you, if needs be.
Oh, I don't know, Miss Hoggett.
I do have my warming pan, you know.
Yes, but where would you be
without me to put it in for you?
Eh? Oh, yes, Miss Hoggett.
I must say, you are an admirable housekeeper
and I don't know what I should do without you.
But a housekeeper is more limited in ways
she can be of service than say... a wife.
True... True, Miss Hoggett.
I think it's time I got to my warming pan.
Oh, sir, don't you see what I'm trying to tell you?
Sir, for ten years now,
I've run your house for you,
looked after you, cooked for you...
And I am most grateful, Miss Hoggett.
...nursed you when you were ill, helped you with
your work and been at your beck and call.
And I appreciate it, Miss Hoggett.
Miss Hoggett, yes. "Thank you very much,
Miss Hoggett. Three bags full, Miss Hoggett."
Do you think that's all I want in exchange?
- Well, I do reimburse you adequately.
- But I'm a woman with all a woman's needs.
I want more than that, much more!
I don't understand it, Miss Hoggett.
If you're not happy here...
Oh, but I am! There's no-one else for me,
no-one. I'll serve you till the end of my days.
But it's only natural
I should want something more.
Shall we talk about this in the morning?
Good night!
I may be wrong, but I think she's after a rise.
I must say, it's wonderful of people to part with
such valuable-looking items in these hard times.
Sometimes they do need a little persuading.
- Dashed if I could afford to give a coat like that.
- Oh, Squire, you're one of our chief benefactors.
I, ma'am? I've not given a damn thing.
- No-one's asked me to.
- But I understood from the Rector...
I think that we ought to let them in now.
Excuse me.
(Shouting)
- I'd like this horn.
- You've got one.
Mrs Giles, I'm so pleased to see
you've recovered from your indisposition.
What indisposition?
There's nothing wrong with me.
But the Rector said
you were confined to your bed.
(Cackles)
Here, stop that, you old devil.
But the Rector said you were sinking fast.
What, me? Oh, dear, no. Come on.
MRS GILES: No, no.
- It looks like another big success.
- Not surprising.
Where else could you get a fur coat
and a silk dress for a few shillings?
Don't ask me. I'm only a poor rector.
I've saved a little something for you.
- For me? What for?
- For being a good girl.
Ooh!
If this is what I get for being a good girl,
just think what I could get being a bad one.
You'll find out one day.
Promises, promises.
If it goes on like this,
we'll be sold out within the hour.
We'll have to start another collection
straightaway, won't we?
Faster!
Go on, man!
Go on!
- I don't like the look of that.
- We did that one last night.
- And the week before.
- He's probably off to the parish constable.
- That's what I'm afraid of.
- Shall I go and see what happens?
Good idea. Go on. Get changed first.
Go with her.
Whoa!
Oooh. Sorry.
I was just having my grub.
Look lively, will you?
It's the chief of the runners.
Gawd have mercy!
- Welcome, sir...
- Close that damn door!
And give us something to cover ourselves with.
Hang on a minute.
Oh, dear!
Coming, sir!
Here you are, sir.
And something for the lady, too.
What a funny way to travel.
You stay there, my dear.
- Are you the parish constable?
- That's right, sir.
So, you're the fellow that claims
to have caught Turpin.
Yes, sir. And his mate, too, sir.
I caught 'em red-handed, I did, sir.
Really? May I see them?
Of course, sir. Right this way, sir.
That's them, sir.
I knew it!
I knew it!
All right. All right.
Captain, in all my experience, I can say I've
never heard of such blind, blundering stupidity.
I agree. I thought Turpin
would behave more cleverly than that.
I mean your stupidity!
Has it not occurred to you that the man who told
you where to meet him last night was Turpin?
FANCEY: No, sir, no!
Between you and me,
I think our presence here scared him off.
I'll wager he's across the border by now.
It might interest you to know
the man who was so scared by you
last night robbed us of
everything we've damn well got!
He took my most treasured possession.
Come, milady. Surely that went long ago.
My mother's bracelet.
'Ere, you stay here, and I'll try and get
near enough to hear what they're saying.
SIR ROGER:
All you're giving me is excuses.
I've heard it all before, Fancey.
Believe me, Sir Roger,
I know how these villains work...
Ah, good day to you, sir.
As far as I'm concerned,
we're back where we started.
All this talk about Big Dick!
I've had enough of it.
Stap me vitals!
- What's the matter with you?
- Over there. It's him.
STRAPP: Who?
The man. The man who tricked you last night.
The man who tricked me... That was you!
- Never mind about that. Are you sure?
- Yes, sir. Positive.
Right, I'll take charge.
Constable, Sergeant, cover the door.
Right, sir.
At the double, you. Hurry up.
TOM: Look out!
SIR ROGER: After him!
Oh... excuse me.
Don't let him get away, girls!
Aagh!
MADAME DESIREE: Get out!
(Clattering)
- Stay exactly where you are!
- 'Ere, what's going on?
Don't be alarmed, ladies. You're about to
witness the capture of the notorious Dick Turpin.
- Are you?
- Afraid not. They've made a mistake.
- You're quite sure it's him, Fancey?
- Quite sure, sir.
You'll have a job proving it.
As it happens, I won't. He has a very distinctive
birthmark, sir, in a rather unusual place.
- Oh? Where?
- Er, he's not called Big Dick for nothing, sir.
Egad! You mean it's on his...
With your permission, sir?
By all means. Carry on, Fancey.
You, sir! Take your clothes off.
Right!
Would you ladies mind retiring
into the next room?
Come on, my little doxies.
Come on. Whoa-ho!
All right, carry on.
You're making a big mistake, you know.
I don't think so.
Well, all right, then.
That's enough!
They're real. Feel 'em.
That won't be necessary.
Well, Fancey?
It's... it's a woman, sir.
Brilliant! A masterpiece of deduction, you
blithering jackass! I'll have your hide for this.
But, sir, he could still... she could still be
Dick Turpin, couldn't she?
Yes? And where's your precious birthmark?
And where's the thing it's supposed to be on?
I've just realised.
She's the Rector's housemaid, sir.
The Rector's housemaid!
That's all I needed to hear!
Wait till the Rector hears about this.
No. I'd prefer that
you didn't mention this to anyone.
What in heaven's name is going on here?
Oh!
My bracelet!
What?!
'Od's blood, so it is!
I told you she was something to do with it.
I told you!
Hold her, Constable!
Good man. Take her away and lock her up.
Come on, my girl.
I'm going to have you in the lockup.
Most successful, Miss Hoggett.
How much did we make?
Rector, I must talk to you.
Yes, what is it, Miss Hoggett?
Rector, I've always been loyal
and honest with you, haven't I?
Yes, of course, Miss Hoggett.
Then why should you lie to me?
- You, of all people.
- Lie to you?
Yes. You said you'd gone to visit
Squire Trelawney the other night.
But you didn't. And Mrs Giles.
Oh, yes, well, I did tell you a little white lie,
Miss Hoggett.
Why? Why should you do such a thing to me?
It's another woman, isn't it?
I must know. Tell me, is it?
- Miss Hoggett, please.
- It is! I knew it!
Oh, how could you?
After all the love and attention
I've lavished on you...
playing your organ?
Rector, Rector!
(Sobs) Ohh...
- Excuse me.
- Yes, Tom, what is it?
Bad news, I'm afraid. Damn and blast it!
- Oh!
- Tom, Tom. (Tuts)
No news is so bad
that it merits the use of a cuss word,
particularly in front of Miss Hoggett.
Sorry, Rector, but they've got Harriet.
Bloody hell!
All right. All right.
No point in your staying in this wretched place,
my dear. You go on back to London.
But why can you not accompany me?
I wish I could, dear heart.
But I fear I cannot trust that fool Fancey to bring
this business to a successful conclusion.
Be it so.
Your servant, ma'am.
Your Lordship, are you not returning to London?
I could not, ma'am.
I wanted to see more of you.
Oh, sir, after helping me out of that bath,
there is little more to see.
Yes, but one doesn't view
a luscious ripe peach
without wanting to sink one's teeth into it.
A peach? Is that not
what you English play cricket on?
No, ma'am. Though I must confess,
I'd relish an innings with you.
I do not play the game, sir.
Well, ma'am, perhaps if we went somewhere
a little more private, I could teach you.
Mon Dieu! Who do you think I am?
A damned attractive cockney wench
with an absurdly bogus French accent.
All right. And I know what a peach is.
But it doesn't mean I'm easy to pluck.
I'm a very wealthy man.
And influential at court.
Well, in that case...
Perhaps we should go somewhere more private.
No!
It's no good, sir. I can't get any sense out of her.
Leave it to me.
I know how to handle this baggage.
Now, look here, my girl.
Come along. We know very well
you're a member of Big Dick's gang.
Then why do you keep asking me?
Where can we find Dick?
Search me. I've been living here for ten years
and I've never found any.
We have ways of making you talk.
Torture? That's against the law nowadays.
You're a comely wench.
There's nothing to stop me
forcing my attentions on you.
Promises, promises!
Get off! She's incorrigible!
Let me out!
- Are you all right, sir?
- Dreadful creature.
(Knock at door)
Yes?
It's the Rector. He wants to see the Captain.
All right, well, show him in.
So it's true.
Harriet, what have you done?
- It's no good. You won't get a word out of her.
- What is her crime?
This may come as a bit of a shock, but she's
suspected of being a member of Turpin's gang.
I cannot believe it.
Captain, let me take her home.
I'm sure I can get at the truth.
Impossible.
She is the sprat to catch the mackerel.
What do you mean?
I have your word that you'll keep this plan
strictly to yourself?
Yes, of course.
Well, let us suppose that you were Dick Turpin.
What?
A ridiculous supposition, I know.
Absurd.
Yes, but if you were, and you learned
of her arrest, what would you do?
I would try to rescue her.
- Exactly.
- And how would you stop me from doing so?
I have men all round the house.
You'd get in, all right, but you'd never get out.
In that case, Captain, I'm very glad I'm not him.
I would hate to pit my wits
against a man of your brilliance.
(Laughter and chatter)
It's right enough what the Captain says.
The constable's got his men all round the house.
No wonder His Lordship looks so happy.
There must be some way
we can get her out of there.
It'll take a bit of doing.
Come on, lads, settle down nice and quiet.
Once again, it's my very great pleasure
to introduce Madame Desiree
and her Oizy-ecks dez Paradiss.
(Cheering)
I've got it.
Come on.
The glories of all women,
their charms and their traditions,
we are now proud to show to you,
in different positions.
(Cheering and applause)
The maidens of the woodlands,
they hunted for sheer love of it,
were oftentimes called nymphs
because they couldn't get... enough of it.
(Laughter)
The vestal virgins of old Rome,
who from their birth were taught
to stay forever pure and chaste,
but never to get caught.
(Laughter and applause)
And finally, our maids at rest
in languorous sleep so sightly,
'tis not the show that tires them so,
but doing it twice nightly.
Bottle of rum, please, ducks.
Certainly, ladies.
Thank you.
(Knock at door)
Someone's coming, Captain.
Right... Move out of sight until they come in.
Give me that!
- Just a minute, dear.
- Get off!
Captain?
Captain?
Captain Fancey?
STRAPP: Don't move!
- Ooh, you did give us a shock.
- Who are you?
- And what are you doing here?
- His Lordship sent us with a bottle.
How very thoughtful of him.
He said to stay and keep you company for a bit.
- Well, I could do with a bit.
- Saucy!
- All right, Constable, you can leave us now.
- All right, sir.
You're not exactly a couple of fillies, are you?
DICK: A gentleman of taste.
- We'll have a few noggins to loosen things up.
DICK: Lovely...
Here...
Is that the one that's supposed
to belong to Turpin's gang?
That's right, love.
Fancy, her a highwayman.
Ain't you afraid she'll get away?
No chance of that.
If you got too near the bars, she could reach
through and grab you from behind, couldn't she?
Come over here, my dear.
Yes, sweetheart.
What's your name, my little pretty one?
- Bridgette.
- Oh, Bridgette?
Most of the fellas call me Bridge.
Bridge? Why?
Because I come across.
Get off me!
- There you are, my dear.
- Oh, ta.
And what might your pretty little name be?
Well, darling, you can call me... Big Dick.
And what a pret... What?
Put 'em up! Come on.
- Harriet.
- What are you doing?
- What do you want?
- Get over to that door, come on.
Do what I tell you.
FANCEY: Constable!
Yes, Captain?
Go over to the inn
and fetch us another bottle of rum.
- What, already?
- Don't argue, now!
All right, Captain.
All right for some.
- What did you come for?
- You know. Get your clothes off.
- What?!
- You heard. Get 'em off.
(Cackles)
- Hey, Bodkin.
- Sir?
Another bottle of rum for the Captain.
What the devil?
Excuse me, Nell.
Constable! You're supposed to be on guard.
I know, sir, but the Captain sent me across
for another bottle, sir.
Another bottle? What the blazes for?
They must have finished the one
what you sent 'em, sir.
The one I sent them?
What are you talking about?
You know, sir, the one you sent
them two old women across with, sir.
Two old women? What do you mean?
Didn't you, sir?
I... I've been nobbled.
Oh! Oh, woe! Woe!
- Come on!
- I'm a silly old constable, sir.
Come along, Capty.
Who's had too much to drink, then?
He has.
Who's going to be icky-dicky in the morning?
(Muffled groans)
Oh... no!
(Moaning)
(Church bells ring)
- Well?
- Nothing definite, I'm afraid, sir.
One of the constable's men
did see the women leave last night
with someone they thought was me.
And you know who that was, of course?
It wasn't me, sir. I'm pretty sure of that.
I'm talking about the two women, you fool!
There was something familiar
about one of those women.
I could've sworn we'd met before somewhere.
It was Turpin, you blasted oaf!
Who else would bother rescuing the girl?
- I had considered that possibility, sir.
- Oh, my God.
I don't understand it.
He must have known about the trap we set.
How? Did you tell anyone?
What? Oh, certainly not, sir!
- Except the Rector.
- Oh, the Rector. Yes, well, him.
- Are you certain you told no-one else?
- I'm positive, sir.
What is it, sir?
Where did you get that cloak from?
I lost all mine. The landlord kindly lent me his.
Pretty awful, I know.
- It's mine!
- Oh, I don't think so, sir.
He told me he got it at the church sale.
Church sale?
- Do you suppose it's possible?
- I was just thinking the same thing, sir.
Of course!
That's who the woman reminded me of.
Who?
The old Rector.
So similar, it could almost have been him.
And you told him
about our plan to catch Turpin?
Yes, that's right, I...
Oh!
I'll deal with you later.
Strapp, go to the constable
and get all the men he has!
- And meet me at the church.
- Yes, sir.
You know, I suspected him
right from the beginning.
I said... Oh, they've gone.
The text for my sermon today
comes from the book of Numbers.
"Be sure your sins will find you out."
It astonishes me you come here Sunday after
Sunday and look me in the eye without shame,
me, your spiritual and moral leader.
Me, whose only sin has been to let you
continue in these sinful ways.
(Rattle of carriage wheels)
- I tell you now...
(Clears throat)
Where was I? Oh, yes.
Now I will tell you...
...the Day of Judgment is nigh.
Yes, indeed, I can say that again.
Yes, sinners.
The agents of retribution are all around us.
He's in the middle of the service, sir.
- Good, then we have him.
- May I, sir?
Certainly not, Captain! Have you no respect?
We must let him finish it.
Constable, how many exits from this church?
Just that one, sir, and the one in the vestry, sir.
Right, you and your men cover that.
We'll take this.
Even now they are getting closer.
And so, my friends, it seems that
we have a bit of a problem on our hands.
Believe me, we have.
"Ooh," you might say to yourselves,
"I am quite safe in this place.
Nobody would touch me here, would they?"
Praise be to heaven, you're right.
But what will happen after this service is over
and you have to leave this sanctuary?
We will now sing hymn 202.
O God, Our Help In Ages Past.
(Organ starts playing)
You saw?
- Yeah.
- We've got to get out of here.
- This way?
- No, they could never be that stupid.
Or could they?
Hang on.
Bless you, my children.
See what I mean?
- I think we've had it.
- Never!
Harriet's still hiding in the crypt.
Tell her what's happened and bring her up here.
# Beneath the shadow of our...
(Organ runs down)
(Bellows wheeze)
# Beneath the shadow of thy throne
# Thy saints...
# Sufficient is thine arm alone
(Organ runs down)
(Bellows wheeze)
Oh, blimey!
Is this the best you can do,
on this, the day of retribution?
We'll try it again and this time give.
Hymn 202...
O God, Our Help!
- What are we going to do?
- Quick, get in there.
# O God, our help in ages past
There we go.
Still here, gentlemen?
Sorry, Rector, but...
I've been ordered to arrest you.
- But the service isn't over yet.
- Oh, well...
I'm just about to say my final prayer.
Oh, well, in that case...
Would you care to join me?
Come in. Come along.
Come right in.
Come along.
There you are.
Kneel, please, gentlemen.
Over here, please.
(Organ runs down)
(Bellows splutter and wheeze)
Oh, dear.
# And our defence is sure
Thank you.
Bless these my children.
Give them the strength to carry out their duties,
and for what they are about to receive,
may they be truly grateful.
Amen.
Tie 'em up. Come on, let's get out of here.
# Amen
Oh, blimey. Get on with it. I'll be back.
To say that I am disappointed is to put it mildly.
Has everybody given?
- Aye, Rector.
- Those gentlemen at the back?
No, I didn't go to them.
Then do so.
During this collection we will sing hymn 202,
O God, Our Help.
# O God, our help in ages past
# Our hope for years to come
Well done, boys.
Sorry, Harriet.
I think we'll borrow His Lordship's coat.
Tom, go and persuade the coachman.
Very good, Rector.
# Beneath the shadow...
(Organ runs down)
(Bellows hiss)
- There's something funny going on.
- I was just going to say the same thing.
I don't like it. Strapp, go to the vestry
and see if everything's in order.
- Any sign of Tom yet?
- I'll have a look.
Constable!
Constable!
Look out! The Sergeant's coming!
Oh, no!
Up the belfry, quick!
Where the hell have they got to?
Hang on. This will fix him.
Right.
DICK: Help, help!
Help!
He's coming.
Get ready.
Now!
(Bells peal)
(Confused singing amidst din)
I'll bet he's saying, "Bells to all this!"
You hang on here a minute.
Come on.
Fire! Fire!
(Confused shouting)
Everybody out! Run!
Give me the money.
Help!
(Shouting)
Come on, hurry! Hurry!
Out of the way! Out of my way!
TOM: Come on, get up there.
Up! Come on, boys.
Without bleeding doubt,
you are the most useless...
(Bong! Bong!)
...that ever drew (Bong) breath.
Ooh!
You're safe now, Rector. We're over the border.
HIGHWAYMAN: Halt!
- Whoa!
- Stand and deliver!
That's just what I was about to do.
And about time, too!
(Both cackle)
(Highwayman guffaws)
England was going through a period of
lawlessness unprecedented in her history.
Highwaymen terrorised the roads. Footpads
and cut-throats ran riot in the towns.
It hasn't changed much, has it?
In an effort to combat this wave of crime,
King George set up a special police force
called the Bow Street runners,
under the command of a man with
a reputation for being always on the job,
Roger Daley.
You men have been especially chosen
for one task.
To wipe out crime and violence.
And I know I can depend upon you
to do a good job.
Carry on, Captain Fancey.
Thank you, sir. Bow Street runners, atten...shun!
Left turn!
To your duties, quick, run!
Quick, run! Quick, run! Quick, run!
Halt!
Right, everybody out.
Hands up, mate!
Hand over your valuables.
Out and hand over!
But despite these initial successes,
there was one notorious highwayman
who constantly eluded the Bow Street runners.
One Richard Turpin.
More commonly referred to as Big Dick,
owing to the unusual size of his weapon.
Get ready.
Now.
Stand and deliver!
What's the meaning of this?
Keep calm, my dear.
Oh, dear.
This is an outrage!
You don't know who I am!
(Cackles)
I'll have your head for this!
(Whip cracks)
Stand and deliver!
- (French accent) Why have we stopped?
- It's Dick Turpin, ma'am.
- Blimey!
- (Cackles)
- (Women shriek)
- I'll handle this.
Stay where you are! Behave yourselves, now.
Behave yourselves!
You!
Get out of the road,
unless you want this broken across your head!
Excuse me, madam, I don't think
you've noticed what I've got here.
That doesn't scare me.
I've seen bigger ones in my time.
That doesn't surprise me.
You are wasting your time.
We have nothing to give you.
Madame Desiree and her Birds of Paradise.
(Giggling)
And you say you've got nothing to give us?
You must be jesting.
My girls are not fancy women.
They will fight for their honour.
Will they? (Cackles)
- Come on, out of there, the lot of you.
- No, you don't! Stay where you are, girls!
- All right, lads. Get your bags.
- I'll have the big blonde!
Your saddlebags, you fool!
Oh.
All right, ladies, we just want your clothes
and your valuables.
- Oh, is that all?
- That'll do, Lizzie.
(Giggling)
- Come on, in there!
- Girls, will you please...
Give us that!
Ladies, don't worry.
The only harm you'll suffer will be physical.
(Dick cackles)
You'll get nothing from us, I tell you. Not a thing.
Do you mind, madam? They know what I want.
Come here.
Shall I rush 'em now, Sergeant?
No, I think we'll let them uncover
a little more evidence first.
(Squeals of delight)
I see what you mean, Sergeant.
Catch them right in the act, eh?
I'll not leave it as late as that.
Far enough!
You can see they're not hiding anything.
- Now, then, what about you?
- No, you are not having it off.
That's not what I had in mind.
What's on the end of that gold chain?
No... No, you must not touch that.
It is my only means of support.
- Let me have a look at it.
- You mustn't!
(Cockney)
I told you it was my only means of support!
(Whistle blows)
Stay where you are!
We are Bow Street runners.
You're under arrest.
- Drop 'em!
- She just did.
No, no. The pistols.
Oh, these?
All right. Stand away from 'em, ladies.
How do we get 'em away from here, Sergeant?
Er... Yes, I was just wondering about that.
That shouldn't be a problem.
We've got our horses over there.
You'd love that, wouldn't you?
I wasn't born yesterday.
Of course you weren't.
You're too clever for the likes of us.
What else can you do?
You can't use the lady's coach.
No, we can't use the lady's coach. We... we...
And why not? Can you think of a better way?
See? I told you
you were too clever for us.
That's if it's all right with you, ma'am.
- Just to take 'em to the nearest lockup.
- With pleasure.
Thank you, ma'am. I'll send it right back for you.
All right, you. Get in.
After you, Sergeant.
How very kind, sir.
That's very nice of you, you don't...
(Guffaws)
Oh, no, you must think I'm a right mug.
Get in! Come on, the lot of you.
Quick as you like.
Cover them all the time.
Use your loaf, I'll see promotion for you.
- Leave it to me, Sergeant.
- Good lad. That's it.
Make a bit of room for me, lads.
I'll just sit on the outside.
Aargh!
(Horse whinnies)
(Dick cackles)
Come on.
Come back! Come back!
We're here, m'lud.
- Bow Street.
- Get in there and bring out Captain Fancey!
Yes, m'lud.
I could wear a codpiece.
I wouldn't advise it, my Captain.
The price of cod today...
(Knock at door)
- Yes, what is it?
Begging your pardon, Captain.
Oh, Bullock!
- I told you I was not to be disturbed.
- Yes, Captain, but the chief's outside.
The chief? Sir Roger?
My coat.
Why didn't you tell me, you fool?
- But I just did, Captain.
- Don't bandy words with me. Out of the way!
Sir Roger, what an unexpected... pleasure.
We hadn't expected you back for over a week.
Nor would I be, were it not for that wretch Turpin!
You mustn't let these trifling matters concern
you, sir. We have the matter well under control.
It may be of interest to you to learn that he
robbed me on the road to York last night.
- He's taken everything we've got.
- You'd better discuss this inside, sir.
Oh, I beg your pardon, milady!
He really did take everything, didn't he?
- Everything!
- Where exactly did this happen, did you say?
- On the road to York.
- Just outside Dencher, Captain.
Would that be Upper or Lower Dencher?
- About halfway between the two.
- In that case, we've nothing to worry about.
You may have nothing to worry about, Captain,
but you have not been travelling all night
with your bare buttocks on cold leather.
No, sir, I've had one of my best men patrolling
that stretch of road, Sergeant Strapp.
If Turpin was around, he'll have had him,
you can be sure.
I hope for your sake that you're right,
Captain Fancey.
You can depend on it, sir.
Nothing gets past old Jock Strapp.
(Horse neighs)
Ah, here he is now.
Well, Strapp, what happened?
Well, sir, I thought I'd better report to you
personally, sir.
- Good.
- See, we ran into Turpin's gang last night.
- And you apprehended him?
- Well, yes, sir...
What did I tell you? Good old Jock!
There's one slight problem, sir. He got away.
I knew he wouldn't let me dow...
- He got away? How?
- It's a long story, sir.
I don't want to hear any long stories,
you incompetent dunderhead!
I'm sorry. There's been a slight mishap, my lord.
I know. I heard.
Don't worry, I intend to take personal charge
from now on.
I promise you I'll have Dick Turpin
hanging from a gibbet within a month,
or my name is not Desmond Fancey.
There's only one comment
I have to make on that, Captain.
- (Horse farts)
- And that's it.
Pardon.
Quite right, Captain. There's something wrong
with the hang of the breeches at the front.
- Just stand still a moment.
- I'm far too busy to worry about that now.
- Go on, Strapp.
- As I was saying, sir,
all these hold-ups seem to have happened
within a 20-mile radius of this area here.
Yes, yes. Well?
We can deduce from that that Turpin's
headquarters are somewhere around there.
What?! Oh, any imbecile could see that, man!
Well I just wanted to make sure that you did.
Of course I did. Are you implying that
any imbecile has got more sense than I have?
No, sir.
I should hope not. Any fool can make fatuous
generalisations like that.
What I want to know is,
where is his headquarters? Where?
I was just coming to that.
There's a notorious inn
just as you go into Lower Dencher here.
It's the Old Cock, on the right.
That's where we've been going wrong!
- What?
- I've made provision on the left.
Will you shut up about the wretched breeches!
Go on, Strapp. Go on.
Well, sir, the Old Cock's been well known as
a meeting place for criminals for many years.
And I think that is where
we should start looking for Turpin.
- Whoa!
DICK: Stand and deliver!
Deliver, I say! Deliver!
(Baby cries)
Oh, well. You can't win 'em all.
(Cackles)
I think we'll have a word with the good rector.
What for, Captain?
It never does any harm
to have the godly on one's side.
Whoa.
Good day, gentlemen. May I be of help?
Possibly. Are you the rector here?
That is my good fortune, sir.
The Reverend Flasher.
Well, Reverend Flasher,
is there somewhere confidential we can talk?
In the vestry. Follow me.
Ow!
Tom, I'd like to speak
to these gentlemen privately.
Right, sir.
This looks more like an armoury
than a vestry, Rector.
We do find it useful to keep a few pistols handy.
Against thieves, you mean?
And reluctant bridegrooms.
Thank you, Tom. You may go.
I've got the odd feeling
I've seen that man somewhere before.
Gentlemen, I don't like to rush you, but I have
a marriage and a christening to perform today.
Sounds as if they keep you busy, Rector.
The same parties are concerned in both events.
Methinks someone's
been putting the cart before the horse.
That's the usual practice here, I'm afraid.
Yes, a romp in the hay is worth
a bun in the oven, anytime!
All right, thank you,
we don't wish to know that, Sergeant.
- Sergeant?
- Yes. Confidentially, we are Bow Street runners.
In truth?
In truth,
I am Captain Fancey, this is Sergeant Strapp.
- Why be so secretive about it?
- We don't want anyone to know who we are,
especially the one they call Big Dick.
Then why tell me?
A man in your position
has everyone's confidence.
You might hear of something of value to us.
Yes, Captain, but if I did, I couldn't possibly
betray that confidence. You know that.
There's a reward of 100 guineas
for information leading to his capture.
Perhaps I could make an exception.
I thought you might.
I'm a mere man like yourself.
I'd like to get my organ in use again.
I beg your pardon?!
The bellows are leaking
and it does cost so much to repair it.
If you do hear anything,
we shall be at the Old Cock Inn.
- Ah, yes. I know it.
- Incognito, don't forget, so mum's the word.
Yes, Mum.
- Beg your pardon, sir.
- Yes, Harriet, what is it?
Mistress Hoggett sent me to say
the wedding party is coming.
Gentlemen, if you'll excuse me.
We'll be leaving you now.
- That way.
- Of course, yes.
A comely wench indeed!
I wouldn't mind putting my cart before her.
The cart before...
Bye, my love.
That tall one...
I'm sure he was one of the Bow Street runners
the other night.
- They both are.
- How do you know?
They told me.
They want me to help them catch Big Dick!
Here, does this mean
we've got to lie low for a bit?
Well, we'll see.
What did he mean when he said
he wanted to put his cart before me?
That's a bit difficult to explain in so many words.
Couldn't you show me?
WOMAN: Rector!
- Oh, blast.
- Yes, Miss Hoggett?
- Rector, the wedding party has arrived.
(Baby cries)
So I hear. Would you please
start playing the wedding music?
- Very well, Rector. The usual march?
- Fight The Good Fight.
Very good, Rector.
Tonight we're going to go to the Old Cock Inn.
Are you game?
Oh, yes, sir!
Ooh, I'd do anything for you.
You know that.
Do you mean that? Anything?
Anything.
Well, in that case...
Yes?
Go and... pump the organ.
Oh.
(Bawdy laughter)
Evening, ma'am.
Don't you "evening" me!
What are my girls doing down here?
I don't know. I haven't been watching 'em.
You know my orders!
They are only allowed down here to perform.
- I thought that's what they were doing.
- That's enough.
Back to your room, all of you!
Go on.
(Shouts of protest)
You ought to know better
after all my careful training.
Go on, get up them stairs!
You minx, madam. Go on!
(Drunken jeers)
I am warning you lot for the last time.
This is for the next man who tries to make free
with one of my girls!
- I wouldn't fancy a poke with that.
- What did you say?
Your blade, ma'am.
You handle it too expertly for my liking.
I shouldn't worry.
You don't look as if you've got much to lose.
Ha-ha! Much to lose!
Shut up.
Remember, we're supposed to be criminals.
Try to act like one.
Give us your tuppence and be off.
Tuppence for a quart?
Daylight bloody robbery, that's what it is.
Bloody prices round here.
Two porters please, landlord.
Hello, sir. Room all right?
It'll do. One can't be too particular
when one's on the run.
Is the law after you, sir?
After him?
You've obviously never heard of
Dandy Desmond.
- Randy who?
- Dandy!
Dandy Desmond.
He's wanted for robbery in six counties.
It's a great honour to have you with us, then, sir.
If I can do anything for you,
- don't you forget to give me the nod.
- There is something.
I'm very anxious to meet this highwayman
I've heard so much about.
What is it you call him? The Big Dick?
- You mean Turpin?
- Ah, that's him, yes. Do you know him?
No, sir, nobody does...
except old Maggie over there.
She claims Big Dick
went to her for treatment once.
He must have been hard up at the time.
Ha-ha!
No, sir, not that sort of treatment.
She's the local midwife.
Midwife? What on earth
could have been wrong with him?
Maybe it was his birthday.
- Birthday, ha-ha, ha!
- Shut up.
Come along.
What on earth possessed you to give me
a name like Dandy Desmond?
I don't know. It just sort of popped out.
It does seem to suit you.
Wanted in six counties? With a name like that,
they'll be wondering what for.
I was only trying to help.
In future, kindly leave the talking to me.
Good evening, missus.
Mind if we join you?
What do you want?
I was told as how you might be able to assist us.
Oh.
I understand you've met Dick Turpin.
Maybe I have, maybe I haven't.
I can't rightly remember.
Now, then, Maggie, I feel sure
we may be able to... jog your memory a little.
- Oh, it's just come back to me, sir.
- I thought it might.
Big Dick come up my place one night
with some buckshot in his cheek.
So you saw his face?
No, not that cheek, silly.
You mean he kept his face mask on?
Of course. But I'd know him anywhere again
with his breeches down.
Really? How?
Dear, oh, dear, it's gone again.
Memory do play queer tricks, don't it?
It comes back to me now.
How would you recognise him
with his breeches down?
Well, he's got this funny birthmark on his diddler.
- On his what?
- You know what a diddler is, don't you?
A diddler is a slang term for...
Flap me sideways!
I've never heard it called that before.
You haven't been diddled as often as me, ducky.
(Cackles)
A fat lot of good that was!
Not that my opinion counts for much,
but I would say that is quite a valuable clue.
Really? What do you suggest we do now?
Hold a diddler identification parade?
Any suggestion I make would be quite useless.
And to point out that Big Dick might well be
someone in this room, utterly stupid.
The height of folly indeed!
Distinguishing birthmark or not, sooner or later
he's got to answer the call of nature.
The call of... what? I don't follow you.
No, but I'll follow him!
Jock, my dear fellow!
They don't call you Jock Strapp for nothing!
You don't hang about.
With your permission, I'll start on that one.
I beg your pardon. Sorry.
How do you do?
What are you up to?
Er... nothing. Er... nice place.
Do you come here often?
(Laughs nervously)
Well?
Not that one, but I'll keep trying.
What a place to look for clues.
Right, now, then!
Could I have a bit of quiet, please?
Nice and quiet, because this is the moment
we've all been waiting for!
It's my great pleasure to introduce
Madame Desiree and her Ois...
Oswas...
Madame Desiree and her bloody birds!
(Cheering)
(French accent) The glories of all women,
their charm and their traditions,
we are now proud to show to you...
in different positions.
The sirens of the rock.
These maidens lured all sailors to their doom
in ancient history,
though who did what and how,
has forever been a mystery.
Right, let's go in.
Good evening, Rector.
Evening, Bodkin. What's going on?
It's just a travelling show to amuse the lads.
PATRON: Get 'em off!
The vestal virgins of old Rome,
who from their birth were taught
to stay forever pure and chaste,
but never to get caught.
Very instructive. Are those the ones
that were held up on the road the other night?
That's right, Rector. By Big Dick.
(Tuts) Dear, oh, dear. The quicker that villain's
caught the better, eh, Tom?
That's right, sir.
No-one's safe from Big Dick, and that's a fact.
Alas, yes.
The shepherdesses who spend the day
in search of a stray lamb,
and oft would spend most of the night
looking for... a ram.
(Laughter)
A ram!
Look, over there.
The nymphs of the forest.
The maidens of the woodlands,
they hunted for sheer love of it,
were oftentimes called nymphs
because they couldn't get enough of it.
Do you mind?
I see you have strangers in, Bodkin.
Oh, them.
Aye, they've come in from London today.
- He calls himself Dandy Desmond.
- Dandy Desmond?
Perhaps I can get him into the choir.
We're short of a soprano.
And finally, our maids at rest,
so languorous and so sightly,
'tis not the show that tires them so,
but doing it twice nightly.
Twice nightly!
Ha-ha!
You wait here.
Hello, Maggie.
Where have you been?
I didn't see you in church on Sunday.
I'm not surprised, Rector. I wasn't there.
Another meeting of the Purity League.
William, isn't it time you came to church again?
What do you mean, Rector?
I was there last Sunday. I took the collection.
I know. Next Sunday, I want you to bring it back.
Excuse me, gentlemen. Mind if I join you?
By all means, my dear Rector. By all means.
As long as you don't start lecturing us
on the error of our ways.
Have you had any luck with your investigations?
Yes, we have an important clue
as to his identity.
You have? And what is that?
It appears he has a curious marking on his -
if you'll pardon the expression, Reverend -
on his diddler.
Diddler? I don't know what that is.
Well, perhaps a more familiar word for you
would be...
Oh.
- But I fear that won't be of much use to you.
- Why not?
Well, so many folk round here keep poultry.
I don't mean that kind of co...
This is very difficult.
If I may be permitted to speak?
What he means, Rector,
is that he's got a birthmark on his...
Ah!
Now he's got it!
Now I have got it, yes.
But I don't think it's possible
that Jack the woodcutter...
Jack the woodcutter?
He's the only one I know that has a chopper.
A cho... No...
This is ridiculous.
Reverend, do you know the difference
between a man and a woman?
Of course.
Well, that's it, the difference.
It's on his difference.
Oh, yes! Now I understand.
A- ha!
Oh, dear. I hope I haven't said anything
to upset your friend.
- Oh, no. He's going to have a look.
- At what?
At his difference... at his diddler...
Don't start that all over again!
I can't tarry any longer. Duty calls.
- Don't let me detain you, Rector.
- Goodbye, my son.
I will pray for success
to follow up your every endeavour.
And up yours too, Rector.
That's funny.
What's funny?
- It looks like rain.
- Rain?
Outside. You see... No, I didn't mean that.
Well, anything?
Nothing.
I fear this is going to be a long job.
Well, if it is,
it will be easier for me to see, won't it?
(Knock at door)
- Who's there?
A friend, ma'am, come to wish you well.
In this place, I should say so.
Forgive the intrusion, ma'am.
I am the rector of Upper Dencher.
(French accent) Oh, well, um...
do come in, Rector.
Thank you.
I hope I haven't come at an awkward moment.
What? Oh, no, I was just tidying up.
Allow me.
I felt I had to come, ma'am,
after hearing of your terrible experience
at the hands of that ruffian Turpin.
Very kind of you, I'm sure, Rector.
When I think of it, those lovely young ladies
of yours being made to strip half naked...
Oh, I wish I'd been there.
- What?
- To offer my protection.
Oh, yes, of course.
If ever a man deserved to be hanged it's him,
after what he did to me.
Whatsoever a man soweth,
that shall he also reap.
No, he didn't do anything like that.
Just a quotation, ma'am.
Galatians, chapter 6, verse 7.
Oh, yes, of course. Yes.
Also, it seems terrible that with such a definite
clue to his identity, we cannot bring him to book.
Oh? What clue is that?
Oh, dear. You haven't heard?
No, what is it?
Well, it is of a somewhat delicate nature, ma'am.
Oh, I'm sure you can tell me, Rector.
Perhaps if I may whisper?
Really?
How very unusual!
Not that I have had experience of these things,
of course.
Well, I did warn you
it was a somewhat delicate matter.
It is not quite the same as comparing fingerprints
or anything else, is it?
No, indeed. No.
It's also so frustrating
when I almost know for certain who he is.
- You do?
- Oh, yes.
But then, what can I do about it?
Perhaps if I were a woman...
Oh, yes!
I see what you mean.
There's 300 sovereigns for information
leading to his apprehension, isn't there?
- That is so, ma'am.
- Then, if I could provide the necessary proof...
What? Oh, no, no.
I couldn't possibly allow you to...
to expose yourself to such an indignity.
I should not be exposing myself, Rector.
- But even so, ma'am...
- Think what a service I'd do for the community.
Yes, perhaps that might be worth the sacrifice.
Of course. Now, who do you think this Turpin is?
At this very moment, ma'am,
he is sitting downstairs.
- Here cometh the first lesson.
- Why? What's going on?
It's what's coming off that matters.
Do you know, I could just manage them two.
Look!
Blimey, I'll be in there all night.
It's working.
Yoo-hoo!
Is anybody there?
Ah, there you are, you little minx.
- Your note, I believe.
- Was it a great surprise to you?
To be frank, my dear, no. I have
what you French call a certain je ne sais quoi.
Yes, and I hope to see it, mon cher.
You shall, my dear, all in good time.
Don't rush me.
I think that two people like us, living in the
same place, should get better acquainted.
Oh, quite definitely. Oui, oui.
What exactly did you have in mind?
I was about to have a bath.
Perhaps you will join me.
If it's all the same to you, I'll...
A bath together, you mean?
You English say such very naughty things!
Let me help you off with your things.
Certainly not. What an outrageous suggestion!
- But am I not a desirable woman?
- Yes...
Let's take off your breeches
and have a paddle with me.
What a disgraceful suggestion!
Certainly not. You're mad!
Girls!
- Girls!
- Are you out of your mind?
The gentleman
needs some assistance to disrobe.
No! No! No!
Get 'em off, girls!
Madam!
STRAPP: No, please!
Get off me! Sorry, I beg your pardon.
Look, you've got it all wrong.
I'm not a Peeping Tom!
You don't understand.
I was on there on business!
Look, I...
Ow! Get off! Mother!
What are you playing at?
Leave me alone! Get off!
Let's go.
He who covets another man's weapon
shall himself be smitten.
Isaiah?
No, the Reverend Flasher.
(Church bells ring)
(Dress fastenings twang)
Ooh!
- Ooh, Rector. Sorry.
- Don't apologise.
Tom, you'd better pump the organ today.
Have we got enough out there
for a good collection?
I'll just pop out and see.
If you pop out any more,
we'll have standing room only.
CONGREGATION: Amen.
As I look round my little flock this beautiful day,
I cannot help but be struck by the thought
that seldom under one roof can there
have been gathered such a fine collection...
of thieves and fornicators.
Oh, yes.
You may well look guilty and ashamed,
all of you.
What has become of
the priceless gift of virginity?
Gone.
What has become of
the promised sanctity of marriage?
Gone.
If there is one man, just one man amongst you,
who can say in all truthfulness that within
the past week he has not committed adultery,
then he may leave this church now
and go with my blessing.
Ah... we have at least one good man with us.
Well done, Brother Bodkin.
It's not that, Rector. You just reminded me
where I left my hat last night.
(Riotous laughter)
RECTOR: Bye-bye.
CHURCHGOER: Bye-bye.
- Bye.
Thank you, Rector,
for a most interesting sermon.
Thank you, ma'am. One can but sow the seed
and pray that it will bear fruit.
Oh, but of course.
I must tell you that the man
you suspect of being Dick Turpin,
I'm afraid we did not succeed
in getting a look at his er...
you know.
Oh, well, ma'am, no matter.
I've since learned that he doesn't have one.
Oh, dear, the poor man!
- Birthmark, I mean.
- Oh, I see.
Good day, ma'am.
I should advise caution in your dealings
with that woman, Rector.
Oh? How so?
She is, not to put too fine a point on it,
a shameless doxy.
Oh, I'm afraid you misjudge her, sir.
Misjudge her? The minute I entered her room,
she asked me to bath with her.
Perhaps she wanted to show you
the beauties of that fair city.
Not that Bath!
But you're not far from the truth.
I know what beauties she wanted to show me.
(Tuts) That is terrible, terrible.
Tell me, did you er...
Certainly not! I came here for one thing
and one thing only...
That is what I was asking you. Did you?
...to apprehend this rogue Turpin.
Ah, yes, of course.
I shall pray for your success in that venture, sir.
Don't worry, Rector.
I'll have him on the end of a rope's end,
or my name's not Desmond Fancey.
He'll have to go.
I think that covers it, Sergeant.
"Have important clue to identity of Turpin.
Investigation proceeding."
Sounds all right, Captain.
Get it off to the chief right away.
I often wonder what chance crime has against
the modern scientific methods at our disposal.
None, sir, none.
It seems incredible that that message
will be in London this time tomorrow morning.
It's like a miracle, sir.
Well, get it off, then.
Look out, sir!
(Splat)
Oh! Filthy beast! Give me a bit of paper.
Don't be silly,
that pigeon will be miles away by now.
Oh, yes.
Stop!
If you value your lives, don't make a move.
- What do you want?
- The one who calls himself Dandy Desmond.
BOTH: That's him.
- Which one of you is looking for Big Dick?
BOTH: He is!
What do you want with him? Speak up,
or would you rather a shot through your guts?
You heard the man. Tell him.
We know where we can get our hands
on a great deal of money, you see.
That's right. A fortune!
The job is a little big for just the two of us.
- Much too big!
- We thought he might like to join us.
That's right. Share!
What exactly is this job?
Well, it's...
We'll not discuss it with anyone
but Big Dick personally.
Personally.
Very well. Be on the London Road
at ten o'clock tonight,
four miles out by the blasted oak.
- We'll be there.
- Come armed and wear these.
What about that?
I've tricked him. He's fallen right into my trap.
Your trap?
Don't you see? He'll meet me face to face.
Well, well. And I suppose I had nothing
whatsoever to do with it?
Nothing. I have the sweet smell of success.
I'm glad about that.
I thought it was the pigeon.
Hello, Bodkin.
What have they got you in there for, eh?
I got involved in a fight with Katy's husband.
It was bad luck.
- What do you mean, bad luck?
- He found my hat before I could get back there.
Too much of a gentleman, you are.
Next time, keep your hat on.
You rotten so-and-so! Get out of it!
I shall get my own back.
I shall piss in your ale!
(Laughter and whooping)
Ahem! Afternoon, Constable.
What, eh?
- Are you busy, then?
- No... no, of course I'm not.
Good, I wanted to have a word with you.
Shall I come in?
No... I'll er... come out there.
Get off.
Well?
- You forgot to lock it.
- That's all right. Katy's not a prisoner.
She's come in here to make a complaint,
you see.
(Coughs and wheezes)
- Her husband beat her up.
- Oh, I see.
Well, she was showing me how he did it.
Yeah, I saw that as well.
Would you mind telling me what it is you want,
please? I'm in a hurry.
Yes... what was it, now?
I know it was something important.
Oh, for pity's sake!
- I've got it.
- So have I.
I do hear as how you're after
this Dick Turpin fellow. Is that right?
Of course we are. What about it?
If you're out on the London Road
ten o'clock tonight, by the old blasted oak...
Ten o'clock by the blasted oak.
Here they come.
Right on time.
This looks like the place.
That's not a blasted oak, it's a bloody yew.
No, that one there, sir.
Oh, that one. I see.
Mask.
- It's me! Put your mask on, sir.
- Oh, yes.
(Rumble of carriage wheels)
That should be the constable.
- I hear something.
- What?
I said I think I hear something coming!
- I know what you said, but what?
- It sounds like a coach.
Why would he be in a coach?
It's bang on ten o'clock, so it must be him.
All right, don't panic.
- Pistol.
- What? I haven't had a drop.
- No, sir. Pistol.
- Oh, pistol. Yes.
Get ready, lads. We're coming up to it now.
You wait here. I'll get in position.
Stand and deliver!
That's him! Get 'em, lads!
What do you think you're doing?!
STRAPP: Leave me alone!
STRAPP: Get your hands off me immediately!
FANCEY: You have no right to behave like this!
All right, Turpin, the game's up.
- You might just as well come quietly.
- I'm not Turpin!
Oh, no, of course not.
I am... I am Captain Fancey
of the Bow Street runners.
And I'm Titania, Queen of all the Fairies.
(Jeers and laughter)
Right, back to business.
(Cock crows)
Ah.
It's after ten o'clock, sir.
Goodness gracious me.
I feel as if I've been up all night.
- You have, sir.
- Pardon?
You didn't get in until
after two o'clock this morning.
Was it that late? I had no idea.
No matter. As long as you got what you wanted.
What do you mean by that, Miss Hoggett?
You went to Squire Trelawney's to get
donations for the church sale tomorrow.
Of course I did.
Even so, I was surprised it took you so long.
Well, I did drop in to see old Mrs Giles.
She's very poorly, I'm afraid.
Oh, can it be wondered at?
Her husband treats her shamefully, I hear.
You'd never believe he was once a knight.
(Tuts) It's too much for a woman of that age.
Speaking of that, sir,
I think you ought to do something
about Harriet soon.
In what way, Miss Hoggett?
Well, she was very late in again last night,
only two minutes before you.
I think she's up to no good.
I'm sure there's some
quite innocent explanation.
Well, I'm not.
And I discovered, quite by chance, of course,
quite a large amount of money hidden away
in the drawer in her room.
Really?
Yes! Now, I don't know where she's getting it,
but I'm sure she's not getting it from you.
You're dead right...
You're quite right, Miss Hoggett, I'm afraid.
I'll have a serious talk with her.
Oh, by the way,
news came through from the constable.
They've caught Dick Turpin!
Well!
That really is wonderful news.
Now all innocent,
God-fearing people can travel about in safety.
(Jeering and laughter)
Stop it, you hear? You don't know who I am.
I'll have you all arrested!
Go away! Leave me alone!
Oh, it's humiliating! Ooh!
It's a waste of good food, an' all.
Is that all you can say
after getting me into this predicament?
Me?! What did I do?
Nothing! Couldn't you see
we were being led into a trap?
Excuse me, but I was distinctly under the
impression that they were walking into your trap.
If you can't talk sense, shut your trap.
If the chief could see me now.
Oh, stop it! Go away!
Get off home!
Urgent message from the parish constable
at Upper Dencher, sir.
Right, give it here.
Stone the crows!
- 'Od's teeth! What is it?
- Urgent message just come in, sir.
Can't you deal with it? I'm very busy.
It says they've caught Turpin, sir.
What?!
Let me see that.
Step me sidewards, it's true!
Did Captain Fancey have anything to do with it?
No, sir, not that I know of.
That doesn't surprise me.
Tell your constable I shall come myself.
- I'll order your coach, sir.
- No, not yet.
I have a bit of business to clear up here. I shall
travel overnight and be with him in the morning.
(Knock at door)
- Yes, Miss Hoggett?
- I have Harriet here, sir.
- Oh, yes, the talk.
- Bring her right in, please.
- Come along, Harriet. The Rector wants a word.
Miss Hoggett,
I think it would be better if you left us.
I may have to say things that could prove
shocking to anyone of your gentle upbringing.
Oh... very well, sir.
Thank you.
You old rogue!
She's listening.
(Clears throat)
Now, Harriet,
I must have a very serious talk with you.
Ooh, yes, sir!
I am very shocked to hear from Miss Hoggett
that you have been staying out late
on several occasions.
- Is this true?
- I cannot tell a lie, sir.
I have been a bad girl.
It must stop right away, do you hear?
Oh, but, sir, you see, I cannot help myself.
Something gets the better of me.
Then you must fight the good fight,
fight against it. Get thee behind me, Satan.
Anything you say, sir.
You must learn to resist the temptations
of the flesh and fight against the devil, and...
when he beckons most strongly
and the flame of purity burns at its weakest.
Oh, I will try, sir. I promise you.
Now is the time to cry, "Enough!"
From now on, I swear I'll be a good girl.
Oh, very good.
It is not enough to say that you will be good.
Deeds are more powerful than words.
The temptation to sin is forever with us.
You've got to get on top of it!
I am on top of it now. I'm sure of that, sir.
Get off, you little devil.
No, I might not get another chance like this.
Want a bet?
Oh, sir, all I want is your forgiveness.
Give it to me. Please, give it to me!
I wish I had the time.
First you must prove yourself
by stopping what you're doing.
Aagh! Become once again
in thought and deed...
(Aside) Get off...
Get off the road to ruin and let go...
(Aside) Let go, you little...
Let go the devil and his ways. Stop!
Thank you, Miss Hoggett.
I feel much better now.
Rector?
Oh, Rector. Are you all right?
Oh, yes, thank you, Miss Hoggett.
It's always so distressing to me,
a scene like that.
Poor girl.
Don't waste any pity on her, sir.
She was more than ready for it.
How right you are, Miss Hoggett.
How very right.
Oh, Rector,
I can't bear to see you unhappy like this.
Thank you, Miss Hoggett.
- Oh, no, not again!
- Let me comfort you. There, there.
Well, I still don't see why
I have to come with you.
I thought you would enjoy seeing the wretch who
stripped us of all our belongings behind bars.
It's reassuring
it can never happen again, certainly.
Exactly, my dear.
Halt! Stand and deliver!
- What the devil's going on?
- Everybody out.
Oh, no. It can't be!
All right, Tom. Stable 'em.
Right-o.
You did very well tonight, Harriet.
Oh, thank you, sir.
I must say, it is a pleasure working for you.
You're a good girl.
You don't want to believe
everything you read in my references.
Don't tell me a nice young girl like you
has strayed from the primrose path.
- Oh, no, it was indoors.
- I hope it was only once.
I don't know.
Nobody ever taught me how to count proper.
- Well, we'll have to do something about that.
- Will you teach me, sir?
- I'd be very happy to.
- To count right up to a hundred?
Well... up to three, for a start.
Three... How many's that?
Well, for instance...
that's one... and that's one, too.
Well, I know that.
No, we'll start again. Hang on.
That's one... and one makes two.
Yes?
And two and one makes three.
Ooh, that's lovely. Show me again.
- With pleasure.
- Who's that down there?
It's all right, Miss Hoggett, it's only me.
You nip off to bed
and don't forget to say your prayers.
What for? I never seem to get what I ask for.
Have patience.
Oh, Miss Hoggett,
you shouldn't have waited up for me.
I was worried about you, Rector.
I didn't know where you'd got to.
I didn't get anywhere, I'm afraid.
- But it's after midnight!
- Is it?
Well, I stopped by with old Mrs Giles.
She's failing fast, I fear.
Oh, sir, again?
You give far too much of your time
to people in need, I fear.
Well, you know what the Good Book says,
"Tis better to give than receive."
What you need, sir, is someone by your side,
to comfort you, share life's burdens.
Warm you, if needs be.
Oh, I don't know, Miss Hoggett.
I do have my warming pan, you know.
Yes, but where would you be
without me to put it in for you?
Eh? Oh, yes, Miss Hoggett.
I must say, you are an admirable housekeeper
and I don't know what I should do without you.
But a housekeeper is more limited in ways
she can be of service than say... a wife.
True... True, Miss Hoggett.
I think it's time I got to my warming pan.
Oh, sir, don't you see what I'm trying to tell you?
Sir, for ten years now,
I've run your house for you,
looked after you, cooked for you...
And I am most grateful, Miss Hoggett.
...nursed you when you were ill, helped you with
your work and been at your beck and call.
And I appreciate it, Miss Hoggett.
Miss Hoggett, yes. "Thank you very much,
Miss Hoggett. Three bags full, Miss Hoggett."
Do you think that's all I want in exchange?
- Well, I do reimburse you adequately.
- But I'm a woman with all a woman's needs.
I want more than that, much more!
I don't understand it, Miss Hoggett.
If you're not happy here...
Oh, but I am! There's no-one else for me,
no-one. I'll serve you till the end of my days.
But it's only natural
I should want something more.
Shall we talk about this in the morning?
Good night!
I may be wrong, but I think she's after a rise.
I must say, it's wonderful of people to part with
such valuable-looking items in these hard times.
Sometimes they do need a little persuading.
- Dashed if I could afford to give a coat like that.
- Oh, Squire, you're one of our chief benefactors.
I, ma'am? I've not given a damn thing.
- No-one's asked me to.
- But I understood from the Rector...
I think that we ought to let them in now.
Excuse me.
(Shouting)
- I'd like this horn.
- You've got one.
Mrs Giles, I'm so pleased to see
you've recovered from your indisposition.
What indisposition?
There's nothing wrong with me.
But the Rector said
you were confined to your bed.
(Cackles)
Here, stop that, you old devil.
But the Rector said you were sinking fast.
What, me? Oh, dear, no. Come on.
MRS GILES: No, no.
- It looks like another big success.
- Not surprising.
Where else could you get a fur coat
and a silk dress for a few shillings?
Don't ask me. I'm only a poor rector.
I've saved a little something for you.
- For me? What for?
- For being a good girl.
Ooh!
If this is what I get for being a good girl,
just think what I could get being a bad one.
You'll find out one day.
Promises, promises.
If it goes on like this,
we'll be sold out within the hour.
We'll have to start another collection
straightaway, won't we?
Faster!
Go on, man!
Go on!
- I don't like the look of that.
- We did that one last night.
- And the week before.
- He's probably off to the parish constable.
- That's what I'm afraid of.
- Shall I go and see what happens?
Good idea. Go on. Get changed first.
Go with her.
Whoa!
Oooh. Sorry.
I was just having my grub.
Look lively, will you?
It's the chief of the runners.
Gawd have mercy!
- Welcome, sir...
- Close that damn door!
And give us something to cover ourselves with.
Hang on a minute.
Oh, dear!
Coming, sir!
Here you are, sir.
And something for the lady, too.
What a funny way to travel.
You stay there, my dear.
- Are you the parish constable?
- That's right, sir.
So, you're the fellow that claims
to have caught Turpin.
Yes, sir. And his mate, too, sir.
I caught 'em red-handed, I did, sir.
Really? May I see them?
Of course, sir. Right this way, sir.
That's them, sir.
I knew it!
I knew it!
All right. All right.
Captain, in all my experience, I can say I've
never heard of such blind, blundering stupidity.
I agree. I thought Turpin
would behave more cleverly than that.
I mean your stupidity!
Has it not occurred to you that the man who told
you where to meet him last night was Turpin?
FANCEY: No, sir, no!
Between you and me,
I think our presence here scared him off.
I'll wager he's across the border by now.
It might interest you to know
the man who was so scared by you
last night robbed us of
everything we've damn well got!
He took my most treasured possession.
Come, milady. Surely that went long ago.
My mother's bracelet.
'Ere, you stay here, and I'll try and get
near enough to hear what they're saying.
SIR ROGER:
All you're giving me is excuses.
I've heard it all before, Fancey.
Believe me, Sir Roger,
I know how these villains work...
Ah, good day to you, sir.
As far as I'm concerned,
we're back where we started.
All this talk about Big Dick!
I've had enough of it.
Stap me vitals!
- What's the matter with you?
- Over there. It's him.
STRAPP: Who?
The man. The man who tricked you last night.
The man who tricked me... That was you!
- Never mind about that. Are you sure?
- Yes, sir. Positive.
Right, I'll take charge.
Constable, Sergeant, cover the door.
Right, sir.
At the double, you. Hurry up.
TOM: Look out!
SIR ROGER: After him!
Oh... excuse me.
Don't let him get away, girls!
Aagh!
MADAME DESIREE: Get out!
(Clattering)
- Stay exactly where you are!
- 'Ere, what's going on?
Don't be alarmed, ladies. You're about to
witness the capture of the notorious Dick Turpin.
- Are you?
- Afraid not. They've made a mistake.
- You're quite sure it's him, Fancey?
- Quite sure, sir.
You'll have a job proving it.
As it happens, I won't. He has a very distinctive
birthmark, sir, in a rather unusual place.
- Oh? Where?
- Er, he's not called Big Dick for nothing, sir.
Egad! You mean it's on his...
With your permission, sir?
By all means. Carry on, Fancey.
You, sir! Take your clothes off.
Right!
Would you ladies mind retiring
into the next room?
Come on, my little doxies.
Come on. Whoa-ho!
All right, carry on.
You're making a big mistake, you know.
I don't think so.
Well, all right, then.
That's enough!
They're real. Feel 'em.
That won't be necessary.
Well, Fancey?
It's... it's a woman, sir.
Brilliant! A masterpiece of deduction, you
blithering jackass! I'll have your hide for this.
But, sir, he could still... she could still be
Dick Turpin, couldn't she?
Yes? And where's your precious birthmark?
And where's the thing it's supposed to be on?
I've just realised.
She's the Rector's housemaid, sir.
The Rector's housemaid!
That's all I needed to hear!
Wait till the Rector hears about this.
No. I'd prefer that
you didn't mention this to anyone.
What in heaven's name is going on here?
Oh!
My bracelet!
What?!
'Od's blood, so it is!
I told you she was something to do with it.
I told you!
Hold her, Constable!
Good man. Take her away and lock her up.
Come on, my girl.
I'm going to have you in the lockup.
Most successful, Miss Hoggett.
How much did we make?
Rector, I must talk to you.
Yes, what is it, Miss Hoggett?
Rector, I've always been loyal
and honest with you, haven't I?
Yes, of course, Miss Hoggett.
Then why should you lie to me?
- You, of all people.
- Lie to you?
Yes. You said you'd gone to visit
Squire Trelawney the other night.
But you didn't. And Mrs Giles.
Oh, yes, well, I did tell you a little white lie,
Miss Hoggett.
Why? Why should you do such a thing to me?
It's another woman, isn't it?
I must know. Tell me, is it?
- Miss Hoggett, please.
- It is! I knew it!
Oh, how could you?
After all the love and attention
I've lavished on you...
playing your organ?
Rector, Rector!
(Sobs) Ohh...
- Excuse me.
- Yes, Tom, what is it?
Bad news, I'm afraid. Damn and blast it!
- Oh!
- Tom, Tom. (Tuts)
No news is so bad
that it merits the use of a cuss word,
particularly in front of Miss Hoggett.
Sorry, Rector, but they've got Harriet.
Bloody hell!
All right. All right.
No point in your staying in this wretched place,
my dear. You go on back to London.
But why can you not accompany me?
I wish I could, dear heart.
But I fear I cannot trust that fool Fancey to bring
this business to a successful conclusion.
Be it so.
Your servant, ma'am.
Your Lordship, are you not returning to London?
I could not, ma'am.
I wanted to see more of you.
Oh, sir, after helping me out of that bath,
there is little more to see.
Yes, but one doesn't view
a luscious ripe peach
without wanting to sink one's teeth into it.
A peach? Is that not
what you English play cricket on?
No, ma'am. Though I must confess,
I'd relish an innings with you.
I do not play the game, sir.
Well, ma'am, perhaps if we went somewhere
a little more private, I could teach you.
Mon Dieu! Who do you think I am?
A damned attractive cockney wench
with an absurdly bogus French accent.
All right. And I know what a peach is.
But it doesn't mean I'm easy to pluck.
I'm a very wealthy man.
And influential at court.
Well, in that case...
Perhaps we should go somewhere more private.
No!
It's no good, sir. I can't get any sense out of her.
Leave it to me.
I know how to handle this baggage.
Now, look here, my girl.
Come along. We know very well
you're a member of Big Dick's gang.
Then why do you keep asking me?
Where can we find Dick?
Search me. I've been living here for ten years
and I've never found any.
We have ways of making you talk.
Torture? That's against the law nowadays.
You're a comely wench.
There's nothing to stop me
forcing my attentions on you.
Promises, promises!
Get off! She's incorrigible!
Let me out!
- Are you all right, sir?
- Dreadful creature.
(Knock at door)
Yes?
It's the Rector. He wants to see the Captain.
All right, well, show him in.
So it's true.
Harriet, what have you done?
- It's no good. You won't get a word out of her.
- What is her crime?
This may come as a bit of a shock, but she's
suspected of being a member of Turpin's gang.
I cannot believe it.
Captain, let me take her home.
I'm sure I can get at the truth.
Impossible.
She is the sprat to catch the mackerel.
What do you mean?
I have your word that you'll keep this plan
strictly to yourself?
Yes, of course.
Well, let us suppose that you were Dick Turpin.
What?
A ridiculous supposition, I know.
Absurd.
Yes, but if you were, and you learned
of her arrest, what would you do?
I would try to rescue her.
- Exactly.
- And how would you stop me from doing so?
I have men all round the house.
You'd get in, all right, but you'd never get out.
In that case, Captain, I'm very glad I'm not him.
I would hate to pit my wits
against a man of your brilliance.
(Laughter and chatter)
It's right enough what the Captain says.
The constable's got his men all round the house.
No wonder His Lordship looks so happy.
There must be some way
we can get her out of there.
It'll take a bit of doing.
Come on, lads, settle down nice and quiet.
Once again, it's my very great pleasure
to introduce Madame Desiree
and her Oizy-ecks dez Paradiss.
(Cheering)
I've got it.
Come on.
The glories of all women,
their charms and their traditions,
we are now proud to show to you,
in different positions.
(Cheering and applause)
The maidens of the woodlands,
they hunted for sheer love of it,
were oftentimes called nymphs
because they couldn't get... enough of it.
(Laughter)
The vestal virgins of old Rome,
who from their birth were taught
to stay forever pure and chaste,
but never to get caught.
(Laughter and applause)
And finally, our maids at rest
in languorous sleep so sightly,
'tis not the show that tires them so,
but doing it twice nightly.
Bottle of rum, please, ducks.
Certainly, ladies.
Thank you.
(Knock at door)
Someone's coming, Captain.
Right... Move out of sight until they come in.
Give me that!
- Just a minute, dear.
- Get off!
Captain?
Captain?
Captain Fancey?
STRAPP: Don't move!
- Ooh, you did give us a shock.
- Who are you?
- And what are you doing here?
- His Lordship sent us with a bottle.
How very thoughtful of him.
He said to stay and keep you company for a bit.
- Well, I could do with a bit.
- Saucy!
- All right, Constable, you can leave us now.
- All right, sir.
You're not exactly a couple of fillies, are you?
DICK: A gentleman of taste.
- We'll have a few noggins to loosen things up.
DICK: Lovely...
Here...
Is that the one that's supposed
to belong to Turpin's gang?
That's right, love.
Fancy, her a highwayman.
Ain't you afraid she'll get away?
No chance of that.
If you got too near the bars, she could reach
through and grab you from behind, couldn't she?
Come over here, my dear.
Yes, sweetheart.
What's your name, my little pretty one?
- Bridgette.
- Oh, Bridgette?
Most of the fellas call me Bridge.
Bridge? Why?
Because I come across.
Get off me!
- There you are, my dear.
- Oh, ta.
And what might your pretty little name be?
Well, darling, you can call me... Big Dick.
And what a pret... What?
Put 'em up! Come on.
- Harriet.
- What are you doing?
- What do you want?
- Get over to that door, come on.
Do what I tell you.
FANCEY: Constable!
Yes, Captain?
Go over to the inn
and fetch us another bottle of rum.
- What, already?
- Don't argue, now!
All right, Captain.
All right for some.
- What did you come for?
- You know. Get your clothes off.
- What?!
- You heard. Get 'em off.
(Cackles)
- Hey, Bodkin.
- Sir?
Another bottle of rum for the Captain.
What the devil?
Excuse me, Nell.
Constable! You're supposed to be on guard.
I know, sir, but the Captain sent me across
for another bottle, sir.
Another bottle? What the blazes for?
They must have finished the one
what you sent 'em, sir.
The one I sent them?
What are you talking about?
You know, sir, the one you sent
them two old women across with, sir.
Two old women? What do you mean?
Didn't you, sir?
I... I've been nobbled.
Oh! Oh, woe! Woe!
- Come on!
- I'm a silly old constable, sir.
Come along, Capty.
Who's had too much to drink, then?
He has.
Who's going to be icky-dicky in the morning?
(Muffled groans)
Oh... no!
(Moaning)
(Church bells ring)
- Well?
- Nothing definite, I'm afraid, sir.
One of the constable's men
did see the women leave last night
with someone they thought was me.
And you know who that was, of course?
It wasn't me, sir. I'm pretty sure of that.
I'm talking about the two women, you fool!
There was something familiar
about one of those women.
I could've sworn we'd met before somewhere.
It was Turpin, you blasted oaf!
Who else would bother rescuing the girl?
- I had considered that possibility, sir.
- Oh, my God.
I don't understand it.
He must have known about the trap we set.
How? Did you tell anyone?
What? Oh, certainly not, sir!
- Except the Rector.
- Oh, the Rector. Yes, well, him.
- Are you certain you told no-one else?
- I'm positive, sir.
What is it, sir?
Where did you get that cloak from?
I lost all mine. The landlord kindly lent me his.
Pretty awful, I know.
- It's mine!
- Oh, I don't think so, sir.
He told me he got it at the church sale.
Church sale?
- Do you suppose it's possible?
- I was just thinking the same thing, sir.
Of course!
That's who the woman reminded me of.
Who?
The old Rector.
So similar, it could almost have been him.
And you told him
about our plan to catch Turpin?
Yes, that's right, I...
Oh!
I'll deal with you later.
Strapp, go to the constable
and get all the men he has!
- And meet me at the church.
- Yes, sir.
You know, I suspected him
right from the beginning.
I said... Oh, they've gone.
The text for my sermon today
comes from the book of Numbers.
"Be sure your sins will find you out."
It astonishes me you come here Sunday after
Sunday and look me in the eye without shame,
me, your spiritual and moral leader.
Me, whose only sin has been to let you
continue in these sinful ways.
(Rattle of carriage wheels)
- I tell you now...
(Clears throat)
Where was I? Oh, yes.
Now I will tell you...
...the Day of Judgment is nigh.
Yes, indeed, I can say that again.
Yes, sinners.
The agents of retribution are all around us.
He's in the middle of the service, sir.
- Good, then we have him.
- May I, sir?
Certainly not, Captain! Have you no respect?
We must let him finish it.
Constable, how many exits from this church?
Just that one, sir, and the one in the vestry, sir.
Right, you and your men cover that.
We'll take this.
Even now they are getting closer.
And so, my friends, it seems that
we have a bit of a problem on our hands.
Believe me, we have.
"Ooh," you might say to yourselves,
"I am quite safe in this place.
Nobody would touch me here, would they?"
Praise be to heaven, you're right.
But what will happen after this service is over
and you have to leave this sanctuary?
We will now sing hymn 202.
O God, Our Help In Ages Past.
(Organ starts playing)
You saw?
- Yeah.
- We've got to get out of here.
- This way?
- No, they could never be that stupid.
Or could they?
Hang on.
Bless you, my children.
See what I mean?
- I think we've had it.
- Never!
Harriet's still hiding in the crypt.
Tell her what's happened and bring her up here.
# Beneath the shadow of our...
(Organ runs down)
(Bellows wheeze)
# Beneath the shadow of thy throne
# Thy saints...
# Sufficient is thine arm alone
(Organ runs down)
(Bellows wheeze)
Oh, blimey!
Is this the best you can do,
on this, the day of retribution?
We'll try it again and this time give.
Hymn 202...
O God, Our Help!
- What are we going to do?
- Quick, get in there.
# O God, our help in ages past
There we go.
Still here, gentlemen?
Sorry, Rector, but...
I've been ordered to arrest you.
- But the service isn't over yet.
- Oh, well...
I'm just about to say my final prayer.
Oh, well, in that case...
Would you care to join me?
Come in. Come along.
Come right in.
Come along.
There you are.
Kneel, please, gentlemen.
Over here, please.
(Organ runs down)
(Bellows splutter and wheeze)
Oh, dear.
# And our defence is sure
Thank you.
Bless these my children.
Give them the strength to carry out their duties,
and for what they are about to receive,
may they be truly grateful.
Amen.
Tie 'em up. Come on, let's get out of here.
# Amen
Oh, blimey. Get on with it. I'll be back.
To say that I am disappointed is to put it mildly.
Has everybody given?
- Aye, Rector.
- Those gentlemen at the back?
No, I didn't go to them.
Then do so.
During this collection we will sing hymn 202,
O God, Our Help.
# O God, our help in ages past
# Our hope for years to come
Well done, boys.
Sorry, Harriet.
I think we'll borrow His Lordship's coat.
Tom, go and persuade the coachman.
Very good, Rector.
# Beneath the shadow...
(Organ runs down)
(Bellows hiss)
- There's something funny going on.
- I was just going to say the same thing.
I don't like it. Strapp, go to the vestry
and see if everything's in order.
- Any sign of Tom yet?
- I'll have a look.
Constable!
Constable!
Look out! The Sergeant's coming!
Oh, no!
Up the belfry, quick!
Where the hell have they got to?
Hang on. This will fix him.
Right.
DICK: Help, help!
Help!
He's coming.
Get ready.
Now!
(Bells peal)
(Confused singing amidst din)
I'll bet he's saying, "Bells to all this!"
You hang on here a minute.
Come on.
Fire! Fire!
(Confused shouting)
Everybody out! Run!
Give me the money.
Help!
(Shouting)
Come on, hurry! Hurry!
Out of the way! Out of my way!
TOM: Come on, get up there.
Up! Come on, boys.
Without bleeding doubt,
you are the most useless...
(Bong! Bong!)
...that ever drew (Bong) breath.
Ooh!
You're safe now, Rector. We're over the border.
HIGHWAYMAN: Halt!
- Whoa!
- Stand and deliver!
That's just what I was about to do.
And about time, too!
(Both cackle)
(Highwayman guffaws)