College Road Trip (2008) Movie Script
JAMES: Okay. Life lesson.
A lot of people think
the moment a parent lets go
of their child is at the wedding.
Not me.
Think he's crying because
he's giving away his daughter?
Uh-uh.
It's because she's marrying this guy.
Truth is, he said goodbye years ago,
the day she left home.
The trouble starts here.
College application season.
With over 4,000 colleges in the US,
I developed five reasons for choosing
the perfect one for my little girl.
Academics, distance from home,
campus safety, distance from home,
and last but not least,
distance from home.
Which led us to the best choice.
Northwestern.
Forty miles from our house.
Safe, great education.
I can get there in 28 minutes, clocked.
Now, you can never
start a plan too early.
I'm James Porter, Police Chief,
husband, dad,
and the best part of my plan?
When Melanie finished high school,
she'd be going to Northwestern.
(EXCLAIMING)
You're in! You in!
(INAUDIBLE)
(BEATING GAVEL)
Counsel for the defense
will now make her closing statement.
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,
my client, Mr. Wolf,
has been accused of horrible crimes.
- Destruction of property...
- That's my baby.
I know that's right.
- But he is innocent of both.
- Objection! Speculative.
I'll allow it. Proceed.
The State has not presented
a single shred of conclusive evidence.
Yes, there is a house made of sticks,
and one of straw,
but they were both built to code.
That being said,
a huff and a puff is not enough!
Let me hear you say it.
ALL: A huff and a puff is not enough!
- Objection!
- JUDGE: To what?
Rhyming?
(BEATING GAVEL)
Mr. Foreman, have you
reached a decision?
We have, Your Honor.
We find the defendant not guilty.
(EXCLAIMING)
- Congratulations!
- Thank you.
- Congratulations.
- Thanks, Katie.
My turn!
(EXCLAIMING)
Daddy's girl!
(CHUCKLES) Baby.
Oh!
(GROWLS)
Baby girl,
you knocked it out of the park.
Thank you.
- But you do know he was guilty, right?
- Dad, this is legal theory.
Everything's not just black and white,
there are shades of gray.
Yeah, well, gray is just guilty
with a good excuse.
- No, actually, it's just...
- Okay, okay, okay, okay.
You both have interesting points,
but the trial is over.
Now, Mama's rule is we go home
and celebrate.
Yes. Okay, wait. I've got to
get something out of my locker.
- Excuse me.
- Oh, my goodness!
Miss Porter. Well done.
Wow. Thank you, Your Honor.
Your teacher mentioned
you're interested in my alma mater.
Georgetown? Yes, sir.
Although it doesn't matter,
because I've been wait-listed.
You know, an old classmate of mine
works in Admissions at Georgetown.
No guarantees,
but I could give him a call...
(GASPS) Oh, my goodness! Yes!
- Thank you, thank you, thank you!
- (CHOKING) I'll take that as a "yes."
You're obstructing my airway.
They're going to love my special sauce.
- Smells good, baby.
- Thank you. Thank you.
(CLEARING THROAT)
- Everything all right?
- Albert just beat me at chess. Again!
(GRUNTING)
Stop gloating, Albert!
Nobody likes a sore winner.
(GRUNTING)
I need 13ccs of orange juice, please.
- Thirteen ccs coming right up, baby.
- Thank you, Mother.
He's playing chess with a pig.
He's just going through a phase.
A phase is
when they want to be a cowboy.
- Trey's got issues.
- Now hold up, now.
Kids with high IQs,
they got big imaginations.
And something about that pig,
he keeps eyeballing me,
like I'm cooking his cousin.
Pig ain't eyeballing you.
(GRUNTS)
See, he's doing it right now!
Baby, look! He's doing it.
What? It's all in your head, James.
- Little Houdini pig...
- Ain't no Houdini nothing over there.
Do what you gotta do.
(GRUNTING)
MICHELLE: Wonderful, Emma!
MRS. O'MALLY: Really?
Because I feel like a house.
(WOMEN GIGGLING)
- There's our superstar.
- Hi, Mr. and Mrs. O'Mally.
- I'm so sorry I can't join you tonight.
- Celebrating, I hope.
I'm just hanging out with a couple of
mock-trial friends at the library.
Total rager.
- Wow.
- That's my baby. That's my baby.
(CAR HORN HONKING)
And that's my cue.
- I'll be back by curfew! Promise!
- ALL: Okay, good night!
She is a pip.
Hey.
- All clear?
- Not yet. Wait for the first wave.
ALL: Bye!
Second wave.
ALL: Bye.
Forward party!
- Party!
- Party!
(TIRES SCREECHING)
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING
ON STEREO)
(ALL WHOOPING)
So, any parenting advice for us?
- What would you like to know?
- We want a daughter like Melanie.
I mean, just tell us. I mean, not...
Not that I'm nervous.
You know, it's not that I'm nervous...
I'm not nervous.
(GASPS)
- He's just...
- I'm sorry.
Relax. Raising a daughter is easy.
Take me and Melanie.
We got a solid relationship.
There's nothing we can't talk about.
Are you kidding?
I can't tell that man anything!
I say left, he says right.
I say defense attorney,
he says pre-paid excuse-maker.
(GRUNTING) That man is so rigid!
- Rigid.
- Rigid.
I'm flexible. As Melanie's grown,
I've grown with her.
He still treats me like a kid!
You clearly need
to take your mind off things
and come on our college tour
this weekend!
Saturday we're staying at my sister's
sorority at the University of Pittsburgh.
And we could even hit up Georgetown.
It's not that far.
Oh, my goodness, you guys,
I would love to!
But I don't think my dad will let me.
- Lame!
- Lame!
Hey, girls!
- Hey, Hunter!
- Hey, Hunter!
Hunter in the house!
- We don't say that anymore.
- We don't say that anymore.
- I'm bringing it back!
- Okay.
So it might be emotional,
and there might be tears,
but that's why they call it "tough love."
- Now, once they're potty-trained...
- Uh-uh. Baby?
I think we've had enough
parenting talk for tonight, hmm?
You're absolutely right.
Why tell them,
when I could show them?
Uh-uh. No...
Ta-da!
Welcome to the
James Porter School of Raising Kids.
Our motto is, "Be there, take video."
(CHUCKLES)
Which one?
(HUMMING)
- Wow.
- Super.
All righty!
MELANIE ON TV: My name is
Melanie Porter, and I am six years old.
Ta-da!
That's my baby!
Yeah. Yeah.
Dad, I can't move my legs!
I can't pedal!
MELANIE: (SINGING) A-B-C-D-E-F...
(WHISPERING) In the future,
all video will be implanted in our brains.
Perfect.
(GRUNTING)
Why do you keep eyeballing me?
Seeing the O'Mallys tonight
reminded me of when I was pregnant
with Melanie.
Doesn't seem that long ago.
I can tell you one thing.
I was not as uptight as him.
You were my rock.
Right until they wheeled me into that
delivery room. Then you passed out.
No, I did not pass out.
I just didn't get a nap that day.
Well, it all worked out.
We got great kids.
That's why I can sleep at night.
- Good night. All right.
- Good night, babe.
(GRUNTING)
Babe! The pig! Hey, baby! Look! Look!
There's nothing there. Go to sleep!
- That little Houdini... He was just...
- Do what you gotta do.
MELANIE: Dad!
(SCREAMING)
- MELANIE: Mom!
- Hold on!
Dad! Hurry up, please!
Mom, Dad! Hurry!
- I can't believe it!
- Mel!
(GASPING)
Melanie, what is it?
ANSWERING MACHINE:
Miss Porter, Judge Mahagian calling.
The Georgetown
admissions committee
is interviewing a select few students
from the waitlist.
You'll need to be in DC
this Monday at 4:00.
Congratulations,
and have a lovely trip.
(SCREAMING)
(WHOOPING)
(SQUEALING)
(WHOOPING)
(WHOOPING)
Little bro, what are you
so excited about?
I'm going to turn your room
into a science lab!
JAMES: For all of you who don't know,
we live near Chicago.
Georgetown is in Washington, DC.
That's 700 miles away from home.
ANIMATED FAN 1: Georgetown!
ANIMATED FAN 2: Georgetown!
- Happy dance!
- Happy dance!
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
(HUMMING)
(GRUNTING)
- I said, "Whoa!"
- Oh, my goodness! You guys!
No way. He said Monday.
That's in three days.
MELANIE: You know what?
We should drive there.
- We should make a trip of it.
- Yeah.
Trip? What trip?
- Oh, Monday!
- What?
Baby, I got two open houses
this weekend.
(SNIGGERING)
Okay, no. But that's okay. That's okay.
You know why?
Because Katie and Nancy
are taking their own little trip!
Oh, my goodness. I could go with them.
They can drop me off.
It's only a couple hours from DC.
(SCREAMING)
Perfect. Problem solved.
I am so proud of you!
Thank you, Mommy, thank you!
(CAR HORN HONKS)
- Hey!
- Hey!
I'm going to Georgetown!
(SCREAMING)
Katie and Nancy.
All right, bye! Girls, be safe!
GIRLS: (CHANTING)
Georgetown, Georgetown!
- Come on, baby. Come on.
- Perfect?
Problem solved?
What happened to our big plan?
We agreed on Northwestern.
Did you even know
she applied to Georgetown?
- I helped her fill out the application.
- What? Whose side are you on?
Both of yours. And put down that bat.
Look, you can't be on both of our sides.
Baby, Georgetown is a great school!
We don't know anyone there.
How will she begin
to take care of herself?
Because you're an amazing father,
and you showed her right from wrong
and you taught her
how to think for herself and be strong.
She's ready for this because of you!
Nice try, Michelle,
but you and I both know
it's nothing nice out there.
I know this is hard for you, but she is
not a little girl anymore. Okay?
You gotta relax. I'll see you at dinner.
I'll show you relaxed.
Are you sure
you can't go out Saturday night?
My best friend from college
is gonna be in town,
and let me tell you this,
the Wizard is the party master.
Party master?
Man, wasn't college the best?
Total freedom to do whatever you want.
What?
I had my parents convinced
I was an oceanography major
for a whole year, just so they'd pay
for spring break in Mexico!
Mexico?
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Oh, man, when I think back
to half the stuff I did in college,
there's no way
I'm letting my kid out of my sight
when she goes off to college.
Not a chance.
(BOTH SCREAMING)
(LAUGHING)
- Everything okay, Chief?
- I got everything under control.
JAMES: I'm taking three days off.
Sure hope he doesn't do
something crazy.
GIRLS: (SINGING)
We're going on a road trip
A road trip, a road trip
(WHOOPING)
You guys, I think
we should start really early tomorrow,
because I cannot believe
we're actually going.
I can't believe
your dad's actually allowing you to go.
I've been working with him
for 17 years, all right?
And he knows,
you can be Chief at the station,
but you have to be Dad at home.
- That's right. You tell him exactly that.
- Thank you very much.
Oh!
Surprise!
Road trip, road trip! Yeah!
(HUMMING)
- Oh, no.
- Oh, no.
Mom, this is crazy!
Have you seen the thing
that we're driving in?
It's gonna be like
a thousand-mile ride-along.
No, no.
My life is a thousand-mile ride-along.
Why is he doing this to me?
Because he loves you
and he wants to spend time with you.
- This is cruelty.
- What would make it less painful?
You said she could stay
at the sorority house?
Her friends are gonna be
with Katie's sister at Pitt.
Baby, that's right
near your mama's house,
where you're planning on staying
tomorrow, anyway.
Look, this is daddy-daughter time,
Michelle.
I got a lot planned for us.
I shouldn't have to share.
Why are you taking this trip
anyway, James?
- I told you. To support Melanie.
- Well, good.
Because if this is one of your
crazy schemes to keep her at home,
that would be real bad, James.
I got it all under control.
- Are you going to DC?
- Yeah.
I need you to take a message
to the Secretary of Defense. It reads,
"Dear Sir,
I've created a species of superpigs
"to defend the country
from our enemies."
You're gonna have to
get that to him yourself,
and you may want to
housebreak your pig first.
Already done.
(TOILET FLUSHING)
(GRUNTING)
MAN ON TV: Welcome to
Animal Kingdom.
Gazelles are among nature's
most social and emotional creatures.
They look after each other
for any signs of danger.
The gazelle family stays together
for as long as they live.
How father loves
his little gazelle daughter.
That's what I'm talking about.
If only humans
could embrace this wildlife lesson.
(SINGING) There's a double dutch bus
coming down the street
Moving pretty fast
so kind of shuffle your feet
Get on the bus and pay your fare
And tell the driver that you're going
to the double dutch affair
(CHUCKLES)
I love you, Daddy!
Where does the time go?
Bye, Daddy! Bye!
(SIGHS)
Where's Trey?
He left an hour ago
for his science club.
It's an all-day field trip.
I'll pick him up after work.
For Christmas, that boy
gets a karate suit, and nothing else.
Look, you be good now, okay?
- I'm gonna miss you.
- You, too, baby. Be safe.
Baby, you call me, now,
if you have any problems.
I'll be fine.
I was talking to Melanie.
Time to go, Mel-bear.
They are gonna kill each other.
(INAUDIBLE)
(ABC PLAYING)
You went to school to learn, girl
Things you never knew before
Like I before E except after C
And why 2 plus 2 makes 4,
now, now, now
I'm gonna teach you
- Isn't this exciting?
- Yeah.
I put together a little road-trip kit.
I call that "miles o' fun."
Now, we got travel bingo,
travel Scrabble,
travel dominoes.
And for your musical enjoyment...
"Daddy/Daughter groove machine"?
Double Dutch Bus. We used to sing it
in the car all the time.
Play it, play it, play it.
(HUMMING)
(DOUBLE DUTCH BUS
PLAYING ON RADIO)
(SINGING) Give me a "Ho!"
Ya dig?
The double dutch bus
going down the street
And we've got to realize
that you don't know what to...
- I love this song.
- I don't remember.
- Come on. This was our song.
- Sorry, I just don't remember.
- Okay. That's all right. We can just talk.
- Talk? About what?
Father/daughter talks.
We're going to get deep, too.
- Deep?
- Real deep.
I mean, like, deeper than deep.
You know what I mean?
Stuff that only we can get deep about.
(CHUCKLES)
Deep!
Yeah. I just hope 700 miles gives us
enough time.
Dad!
Oh, my goodness. Look where we are.
Northwestern.
- Dad, what are you doing?
- Nothing? What?
This is supposed to be
the "Georgetown Express."
Mel, you have to see more than
one college on a college road trip.
What's the harm?
The harm is we have
a lot of ground to cover.
And I've already seen Northwestern.
Not as a potential student. Come on.
Flow with me.
Flow with me, Mel. Flow with me.
(CHUCKLES)
Look at this place!
Oh, look at the trees!
The field!
It's like a four-star resort
with some books and learning!
Dad, just don't embarrass me, okay?
Go, Cats! Number one! Oh, yeah!
Oh, yeah!
- Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!
- Unbelievable.
Oh, Mel! Cats, baby! Number one! Mel!
GUIDE: And that's how, in 1853,
the university named
the surrounding town "Evanston,"
in honor of its founder, John Evans.
He was a doctor and a builder
and boring, boring, boring. Questions?
(GRUNTING)
- GUIDE: Are you sure?
- Yes. Please, please, please.
Go ahead.
Hi. Doug Greenhut, BPT.
Booster Parent in Training.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
We're up here from Orlando
on our big "college road trip."
- This is Wendy, my daughter.
- Hi, I'm Wendy Greenhut.
CST, College Student in Training.
You have a question, Tinker Bell?
I was just wondering,
when is parents' weekend?
- It's early November.
- What?
That's three months after school starts.
Any other riveting questions?
(GRUNTING)
Yes.
(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE)
Mr. School Spirit, with the foam finger.
Disregard his sarcastic tone, James.
How does Northwestern compare
to other universities,
like Georgetown, for example?
(SCOFFS) Georgetown?
We're better than Georgetown.
Excuse me. Hypothetically speaking,
if your dad
was an overprotective control freak
and lived 40 miles
away from Northwestern,
then would you go to Georgetown?
ALL: Yeah.
- Who said that? Who said it?
- I knew this was a bad idea.
(GASPS)
I'm so sorry.
- Are you okay?
- I am now.
Hi, I'm Nick. I don't think
I've seen you around before.
No, I was just
checking out the campus.
- How about a personal tour?
- Personal tour of what?
Dad, this is Nick. Nick, this is my dad.
NICK: I was just about to show Melanie
around campus.
I don't have a problem with that.
- What?
- I trust you.
Besides, something about this school
feels safe.
Meet me back at the student union
when you're done. You kids have fun.
Can we see
the rest of this beautiful school?
- Okeydokey.
- Okeydokey!
You go, girl!
DOUG: James, I think this is the start
of a beautiful friendship.
Wow. I wish my dad was that cool.
Huh?
- Shall we go?
- Lead the way.
Wow.
- Wow. No, I'm serious.
- Yeah.
I can't believe
that was just the science library.
- I'm telling you, this campus, it's like...
- I know. It's amazing.
I just kind of want to get away
from the nest, you know?
Look, I hear you.
But the way I look at it,
you have your whole life to do that.
I mean, my parents
live less than an hour away,
and it's awesome.
I mean, I've got a place to cram
for exams when I need privacy,
free laundry,
home-cooked meals whenever I want.
Going to college close to home
is where it's at.
- You really sound like my dad.
- Well, the Chief's a pretty smart guy.
Hey, Nick, can you...
Can you get me a lemonade?
- Don't you go changing.
- Don't you go changing!
"Chief's a pretty smart guy."
(SIGHS)
Oh, it's on. It's on.
So what do you do if you encounter
an individual resisting arrest?
Well, we have Tasers.
No, forget a Taser.
That's not gonna subdue
any real criminal.
MELANIE: Dad! Dad!
Looks like somebody's
having a good time.
Not a good time, Daddy. A great time!
It was awesome! It was off the chain!
See.
What have I been trying to tell you?
Dad, I don't know
why I wasn't listening.
Let me tell you what happened, right.
So we went to the library, but
- we went to a frat party.
- Frat party?
Let me tell you what happened.
I was like, "Nick, I don't wanna go.
"No, I have to think about school."
But he's like, "Come on. Let's go."
I said, "Okay, for sure."
So we went to the party.
Yo, Dad, crazy, man! Crazy!
There was a Jell-O pool,
and everybody was just diving in it.
I was like, "I can't take it!" Amazing.
Northwestern,
this is where it's at, right here.
- Where's Nick?
- He was krumping,
and he broke out his back.
You know, like...
- Like that. It was crazy.
- Melanie!
(WHOOPING)
I got your lemonade!
(TASER BUZZING)
(GROANING)
Sip on that. Sip on that!
Pardon me, ma'am.
I didn't see you there.
See, I just transferred
from Georgetown University,
where I was stabbed in the eye!
At Georgetown!
- You've got to be kidding me.
- Stuart, she knows. It's over.
Everybody go on about your business.
It's done.
(JAMES SPEAKS
IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
Disperse.
Hey, how do I get this cast off?
MELANIE: I can't believe
you tried to trick me like that.
I am a good girl.
I listen to you and Mom.
I do well in school.
What's the worst thing I've done?
Dance around with my friends
at a party?
Party? When did you go to a party?
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Phone.
If that's your mother, tell her
we're having a good time. All right?
Okay. Hello?
Oh, my gosh. The cutest guy just
drove by us, and Katie was like...
Ooh!
And he was like, "Ew."
- And we were like, "Whatever."
- "Whatever."
So, how's family bonding?
Oh, it's great.
Yeah, we just left Northwestern,
and my dad Tasered
one of his own deputies.
(GIRLS LAUGHING)
- Congratulations!
- Congratulations!
- Nancy says congratulations.
- Thank you, Nancy.
He says thank you.
No, he can't hear what you said.
I know.
(LAUGHING)
I know! I know.
I know.
I know! I know!
(CELL PHONE BEEPING)
Oh, girl, my battery's dying. Hold on.
Thank you.
Hello? Yes, I'm back. Where were we?
(SQUEALS) I know!
Are you serious?
Construction?
We're off-schedule as it is.
We're never gonna be able
to make it to Pitt in time.
- We're gonna have to use the siren.
- Absolutely not.
No one touches my siren.
Dad, desperate times
call for desperate measures.
Mel, getting to a slumber party
is not an emergency, okay?
Now reach in my bag
and hand me P-GPS.
What's P-GPS?
Police Global Positioning System.
Why don't you just call it
"Police G-P-S"?
Because its name is P-GPS.
Okay, Dad. Here you go.
There you go, P-GPS. Oh, P-GPS.
P-GPS, route fastest time to l-23.
AUTOMATED VOICE:
Calculating distance to l-23.
- Thank you, P-GPS.
- Thank you!
- No. Thank you.
- Thank you!
- No. Thank you.
- Thank you!
(WHY CAN'T WE BE FRIENDS
PLAYING)
- At the next intersection, turn right.
- P-GPS.
At the next intersection, turn right.
At the next intersection, turn right.
Next intersect... The next...
(WARPING) Turn right. Turn right.
Dad, I think P-GPS is broken,
because my map says
that we're supposed to be going
the other way.
Are you gonna believe a piece of paper
or a $40-million satellite?
Bet Grandma's right around the corner.
(HISSING)
(WOLF HOWLING)
Love what Grandma's
done with the place.
AUTOMATED VOICE: Thank you!
This is nothing. Don't worry.
I'll have this fixed, and we'll be back
on the tiny dirt path in no time.
- Trey, what are you doing?
- Going to DC.
You told me to take the note
to the Secretary myself.
Have you been hiding in here
the whole time?
You could have suffocated.
I built an air ventilation system.
I could have survived for weeks.
I meant, "we" could have survived.
You'll be lucky to survive
into next week,
once your mother and I
get through with you.
No service.
You just bought yourself
a stay of execution, boy.
(SQUEALING)
(GRUNTS)
- TREY: Come on, Albert.
- Dad, what are we gonna do with him?
I have the most important interview
of my life,
and I don't want Einstein and Porky
along for the ride.
What do you want me to do, Mel?
We're in the middle of nowhere.
We could leave him in the woods and
a nice family of wolves will adopt him.
- Dad, Dad!
- Oh!
(CRASHING)
AUTOMATED VOICE: Thank you.
(GRUNTING)
Dad, what are you doing?
I'm just gonna rock this thing over,
and we'll be on our way.
I just need a little momentum.
One! Two!
(GROANING)
Something popped.
Something popped.
Dad, do you need
that man-girdle thing you wear?
I thought that was Mom's.
(SQUEALING)
- Now, what's his problem?
- I think he hears something.
What is it, Albert?
Do you hear something?
(GRUNTING)
Is it trouble?
(GRUNTING)
Is it a fire?
Is Jimmy stuck in the well?
(SQUEALING)
Jimmy!
He's been watching
a lot of Lassie reruns.
TREY: Albert says
there's a road up ahead.
I think I see a road over there.
Aha! Albert was right.
(GRUNTING)
See, Mel? Told you everything
was gonna work out.
This place looks nice.
MELANIE: Oh, no pets allowed.
Looks like Albert has a problem.
But, Dad, Albert's a member
of this family.
Not by blood.
Now, this is the only hotel for 30 miles.
We don't have a car, and I'm tired.
(SQUEALING)
(SNIFFLES)
Okay. Do you have any ideas?
I have a thought.
ARCARA: I am dumping a lot of coin
on this wedding,
and I was told that they'll be
throwing rice at my little angel.
Yeah. I know.
- Hi.
- Hi. How can I help?
We'd like a couple of rooms
for the evening.
- Okay. How many are in your party?
- Just me, my two kids and the baby.
(GRUNTS)
- Oh! Somebody's getting hungry.
- I just gave you a bottle. Yes, I did.
- I know. You did.
- Didn't I just give him a bottle?
That is a hungry baby.
Yes. He's kind of a pig.
(GRUNTS)
(PHONE RINGING)
Michelle Porter. Hey, James, baby.
(SHOUTING) Trey is where?
Congratulations on your dream home.
I'll fax you the paperwork.
Put him on the phone!
- It's for you.
- Could you take a message?
- Hello?
- You are in big trouble, mister.
I hope you know
how to build a time machine,
because you are not coming out
of the house until the year 3000.
I'll draw up some plans with Albert,
but I can't promise anything.
Trey!
This is the most dangerous thing
you've ever done.
I'm sorry, Mommy.
I know you are, baby.
Let me talk to your daddy. Love you.
(SIGHS)
- Hey, baby.
- So are all of you all right?
Baby, we just had some trouble
with the car.
No more tricks, James.
And feed my kids!
You know, Sigmund Freud said
the best way to understand women
- is by listening to them.
- Yeah, but did he say anything
about understanding 10-year-olds?
Because you and the pig is looping me.
I'm confused.
Albert, go start the bath.
If you need us, we'll be playing chess.
Albert, that's enough bubbles.
Knight takes rook.
Hmm. Interesting.
Use your bishop as a decoy. Smart.
(GRUNTING)
- What are you doing?
- Just fixing my hair, about to get ready.
Look, Mel, I know you must be upset
about missing the sleepover.
But for whatever it's worth,
I was totally cool with it.
Thanks, Dad.
- What are you doing?
- Making coffee.
Caffeine is a drug.
You don't take drugs. End of story.
Dad, why do you insist
on treating me like a child?
Because according to the law,
you are one.
How's it going?
Think you got enough stuff, Melanie?
"Passion." She better not...
(BOTTLE SHATTERING)
WEATHERMAN ON TV:
... with consistent showers
through the next few days.
WOMAN ON TV: Thanks, Nick, sounds
like we have a rainy week ahead,
so don't forget your umbrellas.
And after the break,
how coffee makes you smarter.
(GRUNTING)
(CHOMPING)
(PEOPLE CLAPPING)
(BAND PLAYING IT HAD TO BE YOU)
ARCARA: (SINGING) It had to be you
It had to be you
$ 10,000.
(SINGING) I wandered around
And finally found the somebody who...
TREY: Dad! Dad!
- (GARGLING) What is it?
- Dad, it's an emergency.
- Where's the fire?
- There's something wrong with Albert.
(SQUEALING)
JAMES: What's up with him?
Just guessing, but he might have eaten
all the coffee beans you threw away.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Room service. I got cookies for the...
(GASPS)
Oh, no!
- Trey, stay put. The pig's gone crazy.
- TREY: Albert, get back here!
Albert! Get the pig! Get the pig!
Where'd he go? Where'd he go?
Little Houdini pig.
(GASPING)
Oh!
There he is!
(SIGHS)
Looks like we got ourselves
a wedding crasher.
I'm on it.
Settle down. Settle down.
Thank you, thank you.
At this time I'd like to make a toast
to my little angel
and my new son-in-law, Ted.
And, Teddy, you had better
take care of my little girl.
Because she is an absolute...
Pig!
Pig.
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
Excuse me?
(THUDDING)
(SQUEALING)
Pudding!
- Daddy!
- ARCARA: Get that pig!
Get it! Get it! Get it!
(SQUEALING)
ARCARA: What's wrong with you guys?
No, Albert. Albert!
Ted!
Don't just lay there, get up and get him!
Albert. Get back here!
(SCREAMING)
(SQUEALING)
My Cinderella wedding is ruined!
I'm sorry. But I didn't want a pig.
I told the wife, I said, "Get a little..."
- So this is your pig?
- It's my little boy's pig.
He want... Albert! Get down, Albert!
(SQUEALING)
ARCARA: Get him!
(GRUNTS)
Albert!
(MOANING)
No!
(SCREAMING)
LILY: Daddy!
JAMES: Rise and shine.
Ah!
We got to roll. Time to go.
There's a gas station
40 miles up the road.
Got to get some food in you.
Who's up for pigs in a blanket?
(SQUEALS)
What?
(LAUGHING)
No, I'm not...
(TALKING GIBBERISH)
Okay, whatever.
What a night.
They're gonna have
one wild wedding video.
At least we know when times are rough,
the Porters know how to rally together.
- Right?
- Yeah.
That's right. The Porters will rally.
(DOOR OPENS)
(LAUGHING)
I don't believe it!
(SQUEALING)
Shiver me timbers.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
In the words of my favorite ride ever,
"It's a small world after all."
- What are you guys doing here?
- Well, me and the little "cowgirl"
(IMITATING SHOOTING)
just picking up a dozen donuts
before we hit the "rodeo."
What about you?
We just had a little trouble with the car.
(BOTH MOAN)
(WHISPERING)
Well, new friend,
your luck just changed.
(BOTH SINGING)
We wish you a Merry Christmas
We wish you a Merry Christmas
We wish you a Merry Christmas
And a Happy New Year
(SQUEALING)
I just love Christmas carols. Don't you?
Just give me a chorus
of Joy to the World,
and I'm as mad as a hatter!
(LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY)
- (WHISPERING) They're crazy.
- I know.
So, JP, looking forward to the big day?
What day is that?
The day our precious little ones
"Shuffle off to Buffalo."
I gotta tell you, this road trip
has been the greatest experience
for Wendy and I.
I mean, there's just so much
to talk about.
Yeah, it's like we're getting
to know each other all over again.
- Jinx!
- Jinx!
(SINGING) Getting to know you
(INAUDIBLE)
Getting to know all about you
DOUG: (SINGING) Getting to like you
Getting to hope you like me
- I like you.
- I like you, too!
It was an itsy-bitsy teeny-weeny
yellow polka-dot bikini
That she wore for the first time today
So, Melanie, what other schools
are you looking at?
Actually, I have an interview
at Georgetown.
Wow! Georgetown, great school!
So what would you study?
Pre-law.
I want to get into the Cooper Program.
The Cooper Program, no way!
I always wanted to go to Japan.
Japan? What about Japan?
Sure, you study abroad
at their sister school.
- Tokyo, right?
- Tokyo?
Here you go.
Look, Doug.
I really appreciate this, man.
Can I help you out
with gas money, anything?
- Gas money?
- Yeah.
We charge hugs in this family.
(DOUG GUFFAWING)
One more for luck!
- Thank you.
- You mean...
(SINGING) So long, farewell
Auf Wiedersehen, adieu
Adieu, adieu
To you and you and you
(HUMMING)
- See you!
- WENDY: Bye! I call shotgun!
Goodbye
Goodbye
Goodbye
- Goodbye.
- Goodbye.
DOUG: Au revoir!
WENDY: Adis!
- See you! Jinx!
- See you! Jinx!
(BOTH LAUGHING)
So... We missed the bus.
But I did manage to get us
a seat on a tour bus.
At least there won't be any singing.
(SINGING) Sister Christian,
oh, the time has come
And you know that you're the only one
To say
Okay
Yeah, this is much better.
It's just one semester.
It's not like
I'm getting a Japanese citizenship.
You want to go
halfway around the world,
and I have to learn about it
in a stranger's car?
I'm just disappointed.
We used to be tight.
I'm sorry, Dad, it's just that I...
You don't tell me about Georgetown.
You don't tell me about Japan.
You didn't even remember
our special song.
I feel like I don't know anything
about you anymore.
What are we gonna do about them?
(PEOPLE CLAPPING)
That was great. That was great.
Let me just borrow the mic, sir.
I'm next.
No, let me just... Give me the mic, sir.
Let go of the mic, sir.
Hi, everyone.
Hi.
First, thank you so much
for letting us on this bus.
My family and I,
we're on a very special trip,
and I'd kind of like to sing a song
that my father and I used to sing
when I was a little girl.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Okay. Brother.
I'm gonna need you to give me
a little bass on this one, all right?
Like this.
(HUMMING)
(HUMMING)
Who's next?
(HUMMING)
(SINGING) That's it
Gimme a "Ho!"
if you've got your funky bus fare
ALL: Ho!
There's a double dutch bus
coming down the street
Moving pretty fast
So kind of shuffle your feet
Get on the bus and pay your fare
And tell the driver that you're
going to a double dutch affair
Follow me.
Fe fi fo fum
Fe fi fo fum
Well, I'll be darned, here it comes
Well, I'll be darned, here it comes
The double dutch bus is on the street
The double dutch bus is on the street
You better get off the curb
And move your feet
Get off the curb
And move your feet
- Say "Ho!"
- ALL: Ho!
- Say "Ho! Ho!"
- ALL: Ho! Ho!
- Say "Uptown!"
- ALL: Uptown!
- Say "Downtown!"
- ALL: Downtown!
On the count of three
Repeat after me
One, two, three
Bip, bomp, bam, alakazam
But only when you're grooving
With the double dutch man
Bip, bomp, bam, alakazam
But only when you're grooving
With the double dutch man
(HUMMING)
(CROWD HUMMING)
(HUMMING)
(CROWD HUMMING)
Everybody scream
(ALL SCREAMING)
And you said you didn't remember.
Well, of course I remember, Dad.
It's our song.
- Tell me about this Cooper Program.
- Oh, my goodness. It's so exciting.
Okay, so I'm just like all about it.
(INAUDIBLE)
JAMES: You're just going to make a left
down Maples,
three blocks and we're there.
Thank you.
Dad, do you think that
Grandma still knows we're coming?
Well, I didn't call her.
But it's not like she's going anywhere.
Just remember,
she's an old woman now.
She's not as light on her feet.
(LATIN MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO)
(WHOOPS)
Oh, yeah!
- It's my son!
- Not the control freak!
Hide!
MAN: We've got to get out of here.
WOMAN: No, not there!
Oh!
Come on. What's on your mind?
That won't work.
If you're ever in Okinawa...
- Goodbye!
- Bye!
Bye!
You know they're gonna have that song
in their head for the rest of their life.
Everybody needs a little Double Dutch
in their life.
That's right, that's right.
Oh, wow. Here we are.
Home sweet home.
I just hope the surprise isn't too much
of a shock for her fragile heart.
- She's getting up there in age.
- She's 63.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
One second!
ALL: We're here!
- My goodness!
- TREY: Hi, Grandma.
Not so rough, you'll break her.
Hey, Mama. Good to see you.
WOMAN: Is the coast clear? Hello?
Yoo-hoo!
Now, Mama, I know
you like the new security system.
Uh-huh. It's lovely.
Watch this.
Check this out.
- Floodlights.
- Oh, my goodness.
- Pretty impressive, right?
- James, it looks like a football field!
- GIRLS: Melanie!
- Oh, my goodness, I can't believe it!
Oh, my goodness! Hi.
Oh, my gosh! No!
What are you doing here?
- Yeah, what are you all doing here?
- After you couldn't make it yesterday,
we just decided to stay an extra night
at my sister's and surprise you.
You can sleep over at my sister's
like we planned.
This is amazing! Amazing!
This is the bestest, isn't it?
Oh, yeah. Yeah. Totally.
Thank you. Thank you, guys!
Okay, bye, you guys.
You're awesome!
Come on, you guys, let's go.
Don't forget, we got a 10:00 flight
to DC in the morning.
Dad, don't worry. I'll be home by 8:00.
Thank you, thank you,
thank you, thank you!
Good night, James.
You sure you don't want to wait for me
to finish this?
I think I'll survive the night.
(YAWNS)
Albert and I are going to sleep.
Good night, Son.
You still mad at me
for coming on the trip?
Son, no.
No, I could never stay mad at you.
You're my little man.
- I love you, Dad.
- I love you, too, Son.
- Good night.
- Get some rest.
MAN ON TV: The gazelle daughter
remains at its father's side,
seeking protection and security,
for if it veers off, it becomes
vulnerable to a myriad of predators.
What are you doing, gazelle?
Stay with your daddy.
Without the parent's guidance,
the offspring are at the mercy
of the harsh and unforgiving
animal universe.
Let's watch as the cheetah
rips the little gazelle's head clean off.
Poor little gazelle, you should have
stayed with your father.
(MUSIC PLAYING ON HEADPHONES)
(HUMMING)
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
(COUGHING)
- Hello?
- Who's this?
- It's Chris.
- Chris? What are you doing there?
Duh, I live here.
Where's Melanie?
I don't know.
I think she's in the shower.
Hey. Hey, Bobbi.
Can you check and see
if Melanie's in the shower?
Shower!
(BIG STUFF PLAYING)
Oh, yeah
(GROANING)
Mr. Big Stuff
Who do you think you are?
Mr. Big Stuff
You're never gonna get my love
Mr. Big Stuff, tell me
(DOORBELL RINGS)
Who do you think you are?
Mr. Big Stuff
- Can I help you?
- I need to see my daughter.
- Who's your daughter?
- Melanie Porter.
She's not a student here,
she's just spending the night.
- It will only take a minute.
- Who is she staying with?
- Katie's sister.
- Katie's sister.
Yeah.
I'm gonna need a little more than that.
Ma'am, it's okay. I'm a police officer.
Oh, thank goodness.
Where's your badge, officer?
It's back at my mom's.
Oh!
You still live with your mom.
That's nice.
Look, I know what this sounds like.
Sounds like you're not getting in
my sorority.
- Bye-bye, now.
- Melanie! Melanie!
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
Melanie!
(GIRLS SHOUTING)
Fight! Fight!
Mel! Don't touch her! Mel!
(GIRLS SCREAMING)
I've got you! Daddy's coming, baby!
Daddy's coming.
(GROANS)
(SQUEALING)
(GIRLS SCREAMING)
Oh, my goodness, you guys.
- Mel, should I get my hair highlighted?
- That could be pretty.
Do you think
I should get color contacts?
KATIE: That could be pretty.
- Think I should get sparkly lip gloss?
- MELANIE: That could be pretty.
I am so glad we had this talk.
Wow, you actually talked to your dad?
I talked to him about everything,
my whole plan.
Major in political science,
minor in American history
and then to the Cooper Program
for Japan.
Wow.
He was actually excited
to hear about it.
I think I might've misjudged him
this whole time.
It's the first time I remember us
having a real conversation.
He listened to me.
He treated me like an adult.
I know he's done a lot of crazy things
in the past,
but on the bus, it was different.
He changed.
I think he actually trusts me to be on
my own and make my own decisions.
- Georgetown!
- Georgetown!
(SQUEALING)
(POP SONG PLAYING ON RADIO)
(SNORING)
(MUSIC STOPS)
(SNORING CONTINUES)
(BOTH SCREAMING)
(BLOWING WHISTLE)
No, no. I'm a father! Listen, calm down!
I knew it.
(TASER BUZZING)
No, this... This ain't what it looks...
(TASER BUZZING)
(THUDDING)
Where is he? Still no answer.
We're gonna miss our flight.
You gotta line up the colors.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Hello? Yes, this is she.
What? He's where?
(SIGHS) I cannot believe this.
For the last time, I have to
get my daughter to Georgetown.
Right. Sure, yeah.
(DOORBELL BUZZES)
Come in.
Hi, my name is Melanie Porter.
I got a call about my father. Is he okay?
The individual in custody was
discovered this morning on campus
sleeping underneath a girl's bed
at the Omega Psi Lambda house.
Mel! My baby girl.
You ain't gonna believe
what happened.
I tried calling you,
and some guy answered the phone.
- And it was kind of...
- This man is not my father.
Melanie Porter.
Because my father would never
cross the line like that.
He would trust me
to make smart choices.
- Excuse me, but I have a flight to catch.
- Mel.
Mel! Don't walk away from... Mel!
(SNIFFLING)
Roger Wilco. Over and out.
Free to go. Someone sprung you.
James.
Mama, what's going on?
And where's Melanie and Trey?
Trey's taking Albert for a walk, and
Melanie's trying to catch her plane.
And you let her go without me?
Sit down, James.
Melanie told me what happened
at Northwestern.
I can explain that.
You didn't want her
to go to Georgetown,
so you concocted some ridiculous plan.
I'm just trying to keep everybody safe.
(SCOFFS) James.
You took my home and you turned it
into a high-security prison.
You can't even let her spend the night
with some friends
without creeping around
like a cat burglar.
What do you expect me to do?
How am I supposed to know she's safe
if she goes all the way to Washington?
James, how do you think I felt
when you left to join the army?
- I don't know, Mama.
- I was terrified!
I worried about you all the time.
I still do.
But you had to follow your own path,
and I had to let you leave the nest.
I wanted you home
every day you were gone,
but I had to trust you.
I had to trust
that you could take care of yourself.
And I had to believe in you.
So why can't you believe in her?
- I'll see you back at home.
- Is Mom gonna kill me?
I got your back on this one.
Just don't let it happen again.
- Good luck.
- You'll need this.
- Mama, I love you.
- I love you, too, Son.
TREY: Bye, Dad.
Excuse me.
The flight to DC, has it left yet?
I'm sorry, sir.
I'm afraid you've missed it.
Mel.
Hi.
You missed the flight.
I wouldn't have if you hadn't
gotten yourself arrested.
- Mel, look. I was...
- Dad, listen.
Georgetown is... It's over.
You know, you're getting
exactly what you wanted.
Me, closer to home.
Baby, that's what I came here
to tell you.
I don't want that anymore.
- What are you talking about?
- You know...
Dads don't know everything.
We just try to do the best we can.
Last night, when I came
to the sorority house?
I was trying to protect you.
That's what I do. I protect people.
Now, sometimes I go too far.
- In this case, I went way too far.
- Dad...
No, baby, look. I love you.
But I was so into what I wanted for you
that I couldn't see what you wanted.
I want what every girl wants.
I want a dad who loves me,
who adores me.
I want you to know
that you raised a really good girl.
I want you to trust me.
Guess I still see you as that
little six-year-old girl
singing Double Dutch Bus.
I'm not that little girl anymore, Daddy.
I've grown up.
Reality is,
you've shown me I can trust you.
You have.
Okay, I'll make a deal with you.
No more my plan, only your plan.
Now let's get you to Georgetown.
Deal.
(GIGGLES)
I don't care if Bob's here or not,
we got to be in DC by 3:30.
DC. Flow with me, Mel. Flow with me!
Excuse me. Excuse me!
- Is the plane going to Washington?
- Yeah, but it's for team members only.
We got a police emergency.
You have to let us on that plane.
- Are you guys divers?
- Yeah.
Big time. Huge divers.
Since I was a baby.
Well, climb on board.
(DON'T BRING ME DOWN PLAYING)
You got me runnin'
goin' out of my mind
You got me thinkin'
that I'm wastin' my time
Don't bring me down
No, no, no, no, no
I'll tell you once more
before I get off the floor
Don't bring me down, down, down
- We did it.
- Yeah. We did it.
Excuse me.
I never heard of a diving team
having their own plane.
Be pretty hard to do our thing
without one.
I thought all you'd need is
a swimming pool and a bouncy board.
Wrong kind of diving team, man!
Well, what sort of diving team are you?
(BOTH SCREAMING)
Rock and roll!
(WHOOPING)
Dad! Dad, a skydiving team!
You mean, we're not landing in DC?
We are, but the plane's not.
But we got to get to Georgetown now!
There's only one way
that's gonna happen!
(SHOUTS)
USA!
(SCREAMING)
USA!
Don't bring me down
What happened to the girl
I used to know?
(BOTH SCREAMING)
You let your mind out
somewhere down the road
Don't bring me down
No, no, no, no, no
- We can do this! Okay!
- Okay!
We got to get to Georgetown!
Okay, Daddy!
All right. One!
Two! Three!
(SCREAMING)
Now that's a great dad!
You got me shakin',
got me runnin' away
Don't bring me down
Dad! Pull the cord!
- What?
- Pull the cord!
Oh, yeah, the cord!
Don't bring me down
(CHUCKLING)
Sorry about the wedding, Lou.
Nice try, Phil.
But you're not going to psych me out.
After I make this putt,
you owe me $20,000.
(CHUCKLES)
Happy days are here again.
- Look out!
- Look out!
(SCREAMING)
(GROANING)
That was weird.
What happened?
How do you get out of this?
- Sorry about that. You okay?
- You?
- Oh, no.
- You!
I'm real sorry about your wedding.
- I'm going to kill you and your little pig!
- Gotta go.
Let's go! That way! That way!
- That's my cart!
- Move! Move!
MELANIE: I can see the campus
right over there!
Ten minutes to spare.
Ain't no stopping us now.
- Dad!
- Surprise!
Are you out of your mind?
(CHORTLING)
Hand me the four-iron, Mel.
Take the wheel.
(BOTH EXCLAIMING)
- How we looking?
- Looking good!
(BOTH SCREAMING)
(HONKING)
(WHOOPING)
(SCREAMING)
Is this part of the initiation?
MELANIE: Get out of the way!
(HONKING)
All right. Come on.
We got one minute to go!
- Go, Mel! Go, Mel! Go, Mel!
- I'm going! I'm going!
Daddy, elevator!
(ALL SHOUTING)
Wrong door!
Go! Go, move!
MELANIE: Work, work, work, work!
Come on.
(CRASHING)
Sorry. I'm so very sorry about that one.
(GRUNTING)
Daddy, get it off of me!
(GRUNTING)
Hi. My name is Melanie Porter.
I have an interview
with the admissions committee.
Of course.
Porter, Porter, Porter...
You made it just in time, Miss Porter.
They're all waiting for you,
right in there.
Yes! Yes!
How do I look?
- Like an angel. All right.
- Thanks, Dad.
That was horrible.
- Aren't you going in?
- MAN: Next, please.
Mel.
What?
(SIGHS)
I'm afraid.
Well, guess what? I was afraid, too.
Dad, what are you afraid of?
I was afraid that if I let you go,
that you'd never
need your daddy again.
But I'm always gonna need you.
Mel, this is what you gotta do.
Go in there with all confidence.
Keep your head up. And do your best.
All you can do is win.
Yeah, I like that.
And if they don't accept you after that,
it's their loss.
I'm so glad you're my dad.
Time for you to shine, baby.
I'm gonna let you go now.
Time to go.
Let's go, Trey.
- Melanie Porter.
- Porter.
Here we go. Room 217.
I just checked in your neighbor.
You did? Really? Who is it?
(SCREAMING)
I don't believe it! Can you believe it?
- I'm in Room 218!
- I don't believe it.
My gosh!
You inspired me to apply here,
and now we're gonna be neighbors!
I have to go get my dad.
He's gonna be so excited to see you!
- Dad?
- Surprise!
James! How are you?
It's so good to see you.
Oh, this is my wife, Sugarplum.
Hi!
(BOTH GROWLING)
This is my sugarplum, Michelle.
Hello, Michelle.
It's so nice to meet you.
- Hello, Michelle.
- Hi.
So, our daughters are staying
in the same dorm? How crazy is that?
You know what I'm thinking?
- Booster club karaoke party!
- Booster club karaoke party!
A little more singing.
A little more singing!
Absolutely!
- Come on, poopsie.
- Okay!
Hey.
(SINGING) People
People who need people
(FLY BUZZING)
Are the...
(COUGHING)
I swallowed a bug.
Wait for me!
I can't help it. I like that guy.
Our baby.
This is it.
Come here, baby.
I never thought this day would come.
I did. But I'm proud of you.
Thank you, Daddy.
I love you.
I love you, beautiful.
I'll see you at Thanksgiving, all right?
(INAUDIBLE)
(INAUDIBLE)
(INAUDIBLE)
It'll be okay.
- Where does the time go?
- Yeah.
Come on, baby. Let's head home.
JAMES: Trey? Five minutes, dinner.
TREY: Coming, Dad.
I can't believe
it's been three months already.
I just hope
she hasn't changed too much.
Well, how changed could she be?
You talk to her every week.
(GRUNTING)
Where did Albert get that hat?
(SINGING) Over the river and through
the woods to the Porters' house we go
I love this guy! Oh, what a gas!
Come on, James!
The karaoke's all set up.
We're going to sing and dance!
No, maybe after we eat.
We don't want to start singing
without the girls.
- Okay, all right.
- That was Melanie and Wendy.
They're two minutes away.
I can't wait to meet Tracy.
- Tracy?
- JAMES: Yeah.
That's a friend of hers from school.
They're gonna be studying in Japan
together next semester.
Now, James,
you promised me you're not
gonna make a big fuss about Japan.
No, this is the new James Porter.
New and improved.
There's nothing I can't handle. I'm cool.
- We're here!
- We're here!
Mel-bear!
(EXCLAIMING)
MELANIE: Look at you,
you look fabulous!
JAMES: You look fabulous.
Thank you.
Mom, Dad, I'd like you to meet Tracy.
Uh-oh.
(GRUNTING)
Nice to meet you, Mr. Porter.
Mrs. Porter.
(BOTH EXCLAIMING)
Tracy.
- You're a guy.
- Mmm-hmm.
Yeah. Yeah, I'm a guy.
(WHISPERING) Say "nice to meet you."
Nice to meet...
- Nice to meet you, Tracy.
- There you go.
Thanks. Thank you, sir.
James, I am so proud of you.
It takes a good dad to accept anything.
I'm so happy you just said that!
Scooter!
- Ding-dong!
- Dad, everyone, this is Scooter!
And Scooter and I are getting married!
Dad!
(SINGING) Getting to know you
Getting to know all...
(SCREAMING)
(SCREAMING)
(THUDDING)
(RIGHT BACK WHERE
WE STARTED FROM PLAYING)
Oh, and it's all right and it's coming on
We got to get right back
to where we started from
Love is good, love can be strong
We got to get right back
to where we started from
Do you remember that day
That sunny day
When you first came my way
I said no one can take your place
And if you get hurt
If you get hurt
By the little things I say
I can put that smile back on your face
Oh, it's all right and it's coming on
We got to get right back
to where we started from
Love is good, love can be strong
We got to get right back
to where we started from
Oh, it's all right and it's coming on
We got to get right back
to where we started from
Love is good, love can be strong
We got to get right back
to where we started from
Oh, it's all right and it's coming on
We got to get right...
(DOUBLE DUTCH BUS PLAYING)
Give me a "Ho" if you've got
your funky bus fare
Ho
You know you wanna jump
on the double dutch bus
So take a ride
we're waiting in the clutch
There's a double dutch bus
coming down the street
Moving pretty fast,
so kind of shuffle your feet
Get on the bus and pay your fare
And tell the driver that you're
Going to a double dutch affair
Follow me
Fe fi fo fum
Fe fi fo fum
Well, I'll be darned, here it comes
Well, I'll be darned, here it comes
The double dutch bus is on the street
The double dutch bus is on the street
You better get on the floor
Move your feet
Get on the floor, move your feet
Ooh, get on the double dutch bus
Double dutch bus
Jump on it, on it
Ooh, get on the double dutch bus
The double dutch bus
Jump on it, on it
Now I've missed my bus
and I know that I'm late
I gotta do something
that I know I'm gonna hate
I gotta walk to work fifteen blocks
I just started, I already got
a hole in my socks
Have a look now
Fe fi fo fum
Fe fi fo fum
Well, I'll be darned, here it comes
Well, I'll be darned, here it comes
The double dutch bus is on the street
The double dutch bus is on the street
You better get on the floor
Move your feet
Get on the floor, move your feet
Ooh, get on the double dutch bus
The double dutch bus
Jump on it, on it
Ooh, get on the double dutch bus
The double dutch bus
Jump on it, on it
- Say "Ho!"
- Ho
- Say "Ho! Ho!"
- Ho! Ho!
- Say "Uptown!"
- Uptown!
- Say "Downtown"
- Downtown
Wizzo izzay izzle in this double dizuch
- One time
- Dizouble dizuch
- Two time
- Dizouble dizuch
Sing along now
Wizzo izzay izzle in this double dizuch
Dizouble dizuch
Dizouble dizuch
Now scream
Come along and ride it
Yeah
Jump on and scream
Come along and ride it
The double dutch bus
And I want you
to come along and ride it
The double dutch bus
The double dutch bus
And I want you
to come along and ride it
The double dutch bus
Double dutch bus
Jump on it, on it
(ALBERT GRUNTING)
A lot of people think
the moment a parent lets go
of their child is at the wedding.
Not me.
Think he's crying because
he's giving away his daughter?
Uh-uh.
It's because she's marrying this guy.
Truth is, he said goodbye years ago,
the day she left home.
The trouble starts here.
College application season.
With over 4,000 colleges in the US,
I developed five reasons for choosing
the perfect one for my little girl.
Academics, distance from home,
campus safety, distance from home,
and last but not least,
distance from home.
Which led us to the best choice.
Northwestern.
Forty miles from our house.
Safe, great education.
I can get there in 28 minutes, clocked.
Now, you can never
start a plan too early.
I'm James Porter, Police Chief,
husband, dad,
and the best part of my plan?
When Melanie finished high school,
she'd be going to Northwestern.
(EXCLAIMING)
You're in! You in!
(INAUDIBLE)
(BEATING GAVEL)
Counsel for the defense
will now make her closing statement.
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,
my client, Mr. Wolf,
has been accused of horrible crimes.
- Destruction of property...
- That's my baby.
I know that's right.
- But he is innocent of both.
- Objection! Speculative.
I'll allow it. Proceed.
The State has not presented
a single shred of conclusive evidence.
Yes, there is a house made of sticks,
and one of straw,
but they were both built to code.
That being said,
a huff and a puff is not enough!
Let me hear you say it.
ALL: A huff and a puff is not enough!
- Objection!
- JUDGE: To what?
Rhyming?
(BEATING GAVEL)
Mr. Foreman, have you
reached a decision?
We have, Your Honor.
We find the defendant not guilty.
(EXCLAIMING)
- Congratulations!
- Thank you.
- Congratulations.
- Thanks, Katie.
My turn!
(EXCLAIMING)
Daddy's girl!
(CHUCKLES) Baby.
Oh!
(GROWLS)
Baby girl,
you knocked it out of the park.
Thank you.
- But you do know he was guilty, right?
- Dad, this is legal theory.
Everything's not just black and white,
there are shades of gray.
Yeah, well, gray is just guilty
with a good excuse.
- No, actually, it's just...
- Okay, okay, okay, okay.
You both have interesting points,
but the trial is over.
Now, Mama's rule is we go home
and celebrate.
Yes. Okay, wait. I've got to
get something out of my locker.
- Excuse me.
- Oh, my goodness!
Miss Porter. Well done.
Wow. Thank you, Your Honor.
Your teacher mentioned
you're interested in my alma mater.
Georgetown? Yes, sir.
Although it doesn't matter,
because I've been wait-listed.
You know, an old classmate of mine
works in Admissions at Georgetown.
No guarantees,
but I could give him a call...
(GASPS) Oh, my goodness! Yes!
- Thank you, thank you, thank you!
- (CHOKING) I'll take that as a "yes."
You're obstructing my airway.
They're going to love my special sauce.
- Smells good, baby.
- Thank you. Thank you.
(CLEARING THROAT)
- Everything all right?
- Albert just beat me at chess. Again!
(GRUNTING)
Stop gloating, Albert!
Nobody likes a sore winner.
(GRUNTING)
I need 13ccs of orange juice, please.
- Thirteen ccs coming right up, baby.
- Thank you, Mother.
He's playing chess with a pig.
He's just going through a phase.
A phase is
when they want to be a cowboy.
- Trey's got issues.
- Now hold up, now.
Kids with high IQs,
they got big imaginations.
And something about that pig,
he keeps eyeballing me,
like I'm cooking his cousin.
Pig ain't eyeballing you.
(GRUNTS)
See, he's doing it right now!
Baby, look! He's doing it.
What? It's all in your head, James.
- Little Houdini pig...
- Ain't no Houdini nothing over there.
Do what you gotta do.
(GRUNTING)
MICHELLE: Wonderful, Emma!
MRS. O'MALLY: Really?
Because I feel like a house.
(WOMEN GIGGLING)
- There's our superstar.
- Hi, Mr. and Mrs. O'Mally.
- I'm so sorry I can't join you tonight.
- Celebrating, I hope.
I'm just hanging out with a couple of
mock-trial friends at the library.
Total rager.
- Wow.
- That's my baby. That's my baby.
(CAR HORN HONKING)
And that's my cue.
- I'll be back by curfew! Promise!
- ALL: Okay, good night!
She is a pip.
Hey.
- All clear?
- Not yet. Wait for the first wave.
ALL: Bye!
Second wave.
ALL: Bye.
Forward party!
- Party!
- Party!
(TIRES SCREECHING)
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING
ON STEREO)
(ALL WHOOPING)
So, any parenting advice for us?
- What would you like to know?
- We want a daughter like Melanie.
I mean, just tell us. I mean, not...
Not that I'm nervous.
You know, it's not that I'm nervous...
I'm not nervous.
(GASPS)
- He's just...
- I'm sorry.
Relax. Raising a daughter is easy.
Take me and Melanie.
We got a solid relationship.
There's nothing we can't talk about.
Are you kidding?
I can't tell that man anything!
I say left, he says right.
I say defense attorney,
he says pre-paid excuse-maker.
(GRUNTING) That man is so rigid!
- Rigid.
- Rigid.
I'm flexible. As Melanie's grown,
I've grown with her.
He still treats me like a kid!
You clearly need
to take your mind off things
and come on our college tour
this weekend!
Saturday we're staying at my sister's
sorority at the University of Pittsburgh.
And we could even hit up Georgetown.
It's not that far.
Oh, my goodness, you guys,
I would love to!
But I don't think my dad will let me.
- Lame!
- Lame!
Hey, girls!
- Hey, Hunter!
- Hey, Hunter!
Hunter in the house!
- We don't say that anymore.
- We don't say that anymore.
- I'm bringing it back!
- Okay.
So it might be emotional,
and there might be tears,
but that's why they call it "tough love."
- Now, once they're potty-trained...
- Uh-uh. Baby?
I think we've had enough
parenting talk for tonight, hmm?
You're absolutely right.
Why tell them,
when I could show them?
Uh-uh. No...
Ta-da!
Welcome to the
James Porter School of Raising Kids.
Our motto is, "Be there, take video."
(CHUCKLES)
Which one?
(HUMMING)
- Wow.
- Super.
All righty!
MELANIE ON TV: My name is
Melanie Porter, and I am six years old.
Ta-da!
That's my baby!
Yeah. Yeah.
Dad, I can't move my legs!
I can't pedal!
MELANIE: (SINGING) A-B-C-D-E-F...
(WHISPERING) In the future,
all video will be implanted in our brains.
Perfect.
(GRUNTING)
Why do you keep eyeballing me?
Seeing the O'Mallys tonight
reminded me of when I was pregnant
with Melanie.
Doesn't seem that long ago.
I can tell you one thing.
I was not as uptight as him.
You were my rock.
Right until they wheeled me into that
delivery room. Then you passed out.
No, I did not pass out.
I just didn't get a nap that day.
Well, it all worked out.
We got great kids.
That's why I can sleep at night.
- Good night. All right.
- Good night, babe.
(GRUNTING)
Babe! The pig! Hey, baby! Look! Look!
There's nothing there. Go to sleep!
- That little Houdini... He was just...
- Do what you gotta do.
MELANIE: Dad!
(SCREAMING)
- MELANIE: Mom!
- Hold on!
Dad! Hurry up, please!
Mom, Dad! Hurry!
- I can't believe it!
- Mel!
(GASPING)
Melanie, what is it?
ANSWERING MACHINE:
Miss Porter, Judge Mahagian calling.
The Georgetown
admissions committee
is interviewing a select few students
from the waitlist.
You'll need to be in DC
this Monday at 4:00.
Congratulations,
and have a lovely trip.
(SCREAMING)
(WHOOPING)
(SQUEALING)
(WHOOPING)
(WHOOPING)
Little bro, what are you
so excited about?
I'm going to turn your room
into a science lab!
JAMES: For all of you who don't know,
we live near Chicago.
Georgetown is in Washington, DC.
That's 700 miles away from home.
ANIMATED FAN 1: Georgetown!
ANIMATED FAN 2: Georgetown!
- Happy dance!
- Happy dance!
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
(HUMMING)
(GRUNTING)
- I said, "Whoa!"
- Oh, my goodness! You guys!
No way. He said Monday.
That's in three days.
MELANIE: You know what?
We should drive there.
- We should make a trip of it.
- Yeah.
Trip? What trip?
- Oh, Monday!
- What?
Baby, I got two open houses
this weekend.
(SNIGGERING)
Okay, no. But that's okay. That's okay.
You know why?
Because Katie and Nancy
are taking their own little trip!
Oh, my goodness. I could go with them.
They can drop me off.
It's only a couple hours from DC.
(SCREAMING)
Perfect. Problem solved.
I am so proud of you!
Thank you, Mommy, thank you!
(CAR HORN HONKS)
- Hey!
- Hey!
I'm going to Georgetown!
(SCREAMING)
Katie and Nancy.
All right, bye! Girls, be safe!
GIRLS: (CHANTING)
Georgetown, Georgetown!
- Come on, baby. Come on.
- Perfect?
Problem solved?
What happened to our big plan?
We agreed on Northwestern.
Did you even know
she applied to Georgetown?
- I helped her fill out the application.
- What? Whose side are you on?
Both of yours. And put down that bat.
Look, you can't be on both of our sides.
Baby, Georgetown is a great school!
We don't know anyone there.
How will she begin
to take care of herself?
Because you're an amazing father,
and you showed her right from wrong
and you taught her
how to think for herself and be strong.
She's ready for this because of you!
Nice try, Michelle,
but you and I both know
it's nothing nice out there.
I know this is hard for you, but she is
not a little girl anymore. Okay?
You gotta relax. I'll see you at dinner.
I'll show you relaxed.
Are you sure
you can't go out Saturday night?
My best friend from college
is gonna be in town,
and let me tell you this,
the Wizard is the party master.
Party master?
Man, wasn't college the best?
Total freedom to do whatever you want.
What?
I had my parents convinced
I was an oceanography major
for a whole year, just so they'd pay
for spring break in Mexico!
Mexico?
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Oh, man, when I think back
to half the stuff I did in college,
there's no way
I'm letting my kid out of my sight
when she goes off to college.
Not a chance.
(BOTH SCREAMING)
(LAUGHING)
- Everything okay, Chief?
- I got everything under control.
JAMES: I'm taking three days off.
Sure hope he doesn't do
something crazy.
GIRLS: (SINGING)
We're going on a road trip
A road trip, a road trip
(WHOOPING)
You guys, I think
we should start really early tomorrow,
because I cannot believe
we're actually going.
I can't believe
your dad's actually allowing you to go.
I've been working with him
for 17 years, all right?
And he knows,
you can be Chief at the station,
but you have to be Dad at home.
- That's right. You tell him exactly that.
- Thank you very much.
Oh!
Surprise!
Road trip, road trip! Yeah!
(HUMMING)
- Oh, no.
- Oh, no.
Mom, this is crazy!
Have you seen the thing
that we're driving in?
It's gonna be like
a thousand-mile ride-along.
No, no.
My life is a thousand-mile ride-along.
Why is he doing this to me?
Because he loves you
and he wants to spend time with you.
- This is cruelty.
- What would make it less painful?
You said she could stay
at the sorority house?
Her friends are gonna be
with Katie's sister at Pitt.
Baby, that's right
near your mama's house,
where you're planning on staying
tomorrow, anyway.
Look, this is daddy-daughter time,
Michelle.
I got a lot planned for us.
I shouldn't have to share.
Why are you taking this trip
anyway, James?
- I told you. To support Melanie.
- Well, good.
Because if this is one of your
crazy schemes to keep her at home,
that would be real bad, James.
I got it all under control.
- Are you going to DC?
- Yeah.
I need you to take a message
to the Secretary of Defense. It reads,
"Dear Sir,
I've created a species of superpigs
"to defend the country
from our enemies."
You're gonna have to
get that to him yourself,
and you may want to
housebreak your pig first.
Already done.
(TOILET FLUSHING)
(GRUNTING)
MAN ON TV: Welcome to
Animal Kingdom.
Gazelles are among nature's
most social and emotional creatures.
They look after each other
for any signs of danger.
The gazelle family stays together
for as long as they live.
How father loves
his little gazelle daughter.
That's what I'm talking about.
If only humans
could embrace this wildlife lesson.
(SINGING) There's a double dutch bus
coming down the street
Moving pretty fast
so kind of shuffle your feet
Get on the bus and pay your fare
And tell the driver that you're going
to the double dutch affair
(CHUCKLES)
I love you, Daddy!
Where does the time go?
Bye, Daddy! Bye!
(SIGHS)
Where's Trey?
He left an hour ago
for his science club.
It's an all-day field trip.
I'll pick him up after work.
For Christmas, that boy
gets a karate suit, and nothing else.
Look, you be good now, okay?
- I'm gonna miss you.
- You, too, baby. Be safe.
Baby, you call me, now,
if you have any problems.
I'll be fine.
I was talking to Melanie.
Time to go, Mel-bear.
They are gonna kill each other.
(INAUDIBLE)
(ABC PLAYING)
You went to school to learn, girl
Things you never knew before
Like I before E except after C
And why 2 plus 2 makes 4,
now, now, now
I'm gonna teach you
- Isn't this exciting?
- Yeah.
I put together a little road-trip kit.
I call that "miles o' fun."
Now, we got travel bingo,
travel Scrabble,
travel dominoes.
And for your musical enjoyment...
"Daddy/Daughter groove machine"?
Double Dutch Bus. We used to sing it
in the car all the time.
Play it, play it, play it.
(HUMMING)
(DOUBLE DUTCH BUS
PLAYING ON RADIO)
(SINGING) Give me a "Ho!"
Ya dig?
The double dutch bus
going down the street
And we've got to realize
that you don't know what to...
- I love this song.
- I don't remember.
- Come on. This was our song.
- Sorry, I just don't remember.
- Okay. That's all right. We can just talk.
- Talk? About what?
Father/daughter talks.
We're going to get deep, too.
- Deep?
- Real deep.
I mean, like, deeper than deep.
You know what I mean?
Stuff that only we can get deep about.
(CHUCKLES)
Deep!
Yeah. I just hope 700 miles gives us
enough time.
Dad!
Oh, my goodness. Look where we are.
Northwestern.
- Dad, what are you doing?
- Nothing? What?
This is supposed to be
the "Georgetown Express."
Mel, you have to see more than
one college on a college road trip.
What's the harm?
The harm is we have
a lot of ground to cover.
And I've already seen Northwestern.
Not as a potential student. Come on.
Flow with me.
Flow with me, Mel. Flow with me.
(CHUCKLES)
Look at this place!
Oh, look at the trees!
The field!
It's like a four-star resort
with some books and learning!
Dad, just don't embarrass me, okay?
Go, Cats! Number one! Oh, yeah!
Oh, yeah!
- Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!
- Unbelievable.
Oh, Mel! Cats, baby! Number one! Mel!
GUIDE: And that's how, in 1853,
the university named
the surrounding town "Evanston,"
in honor of its founder, John Evans.
He was a doctor and a builder
and boring, boring, boring. Questions?
(GRUNTING)
- GUIDE: Are you sure?
- Yes. Please, please, please.
Go ahead.
Hi. Doug Greenhut, BPT.
Booster Parent in Training.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
We're up here from Orlando
on our big "college road trip."
- This is Wendy, my daughter.
- Hi, I'm Wendy Greenhut.
CST, College Student in Training.
You have a question, Tinker Bell?
I was just wondering,
when is parents' weekend?
- It's early November.
- What?
That's three months after school starts.
Any other riveting questions?
(GRUNTING)
Yes.
(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE)
Mr. School Spirit, with the foam finger.
Disregard his sarcastic tone, James.
How does Northwestern compare
to other universities,
like Georgetown, for example?
(SCOFFS) Georgetown?
We're better than Georgetown.
Excuse me. Hypothetically speaking,
if your dad
was an overprotective control freak
and lived 40 miles
away from Northwestern,
then would you go to Georgetown?
ALL: Yeah.
- Who said that? Who said it?
- I knew this was a bad idea.
(GASPS)
I'm so sorry.
- Are you okay?
- I am now.
Hi, I'm Nick. I don't think
I've seen you around before.
No, I was just
checking out the campus.
- How about a personal tour?
- Personal tour of what?
Dad, this is Nick. Nick, this is my dad.
NICK: I was just about to show Melanie
around campus.
I don't have a problem with that.
- What?
- I trust you.
Besides, something about this school
feels safe.
Meet me back at the student union
when you're done. You kids have fun.
Can we see
the rest of this beautiful school?
- Okeydokey.
- Okeydokey!
You go, girl!
DOUG: James, I think this is the start
of a beautiful friendship.
Wow. I wish my dad was that cool.
Huh?
- Shall we go?
- Lead the way.
Wow.
- Wow. No, I'm serious.
- Yeah.
I can't believe
that was just the science library.
- I'm telling you, this campus, it's like...
- I know. It's amazing.
I just kind of want to get away
from the nest, you know?
Look, I hear you.
But the way I look at it,
you have your whole life to do that.
I mean, my parents
live less than an hour away,
and it's awesome.
I mean, I've got a place to cram
for exams when I need privacy,
free laundry,
home-cooked meals whenever I want.
Going to college close to home
is where it's at.
- You really sound like my dad.
- Well, the Chief's a pretty smart guy.
Hey, Nick, can you...
Can you get me a lemonade?
- Don't you go changing.
- Don't you go changing!
"Chief's a pretty smart guy."
(SIGHS)
Oh, it's on. It's on.
So what do you do if you encounter
an individual resisting arrest?
Well, we have Tasers.
No, forget a Taser.
That's not gonna subdue
any real criminal.
MELANIE: Dad! Dad!
Looks like somebody's
having a good time.
Not a good time, Daddy. A great time!
It was awesome! It was off the chain!
See.
What have I been trying to tell you?
Dad, I don't know
why I wasn't listening.
Let me tell you what happened, right.
So we went to the library, but
- we went to a frat party.
- Frat party?
Let me tell you what happened.
I was like, "Nick, I don't wanna go.
"No, I have to think about school."
But he's like, "Come on. Let's go."
I said, "Okay, for sure."
So we went to the party.
Yo, Dad, crazy, man! Crazy!
There was a Jell-O pool,
and everybody was just diving in it.
I was like, "I can't take it!" Amazing.
Northwestern,
this is where it's at, right here.
- Where's Nick?
- He was krumping,
and he broke out his back.
You know, like...
- Like that. It was crazy.
- Melanie!
(WHOOPING)
I got your lemonade!
(TASER BUZZING)
(GROANING)
Sip on that. Sip on that!
Pardon me, ma'am.
I didn't see you there.
See, I just transferred
from Georgetown University,
where I was stabbed in the eye!
At Georgetown!
- You've got to be kidding me.
- Stuart, she knows. It's over.
Everybody go on about your business.
It's done.
(JAMES SPEAKS
IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
Disperse.
Hey, how do I get this cast off?
MELANIE: I can't believe
you tried to trick me like that.
I am a good girl.
I listen to you and Mom.
I do well in school.
What's the worst thing I've done?
Dance around with my friends
at a party?
Party? When did you go to a party?
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Phone.
If that's your mother, tell her
we're having a good time. All right?
Okay. Hello?
Oh, my gosh. The cutest guy just
drove by us, and Katie was like...
Ooh!
And he was like, "Ew."
- And we were like, "Whatever."
- "Whatever."
So, how's family bonding?
Oh, it's great.
Yeah, we just left Northwestern,
and my dad Tasered
one of his own deputies.
(GIRLS LAUGHING)
- Congratulations!
- Congratulations!
- Nancy says congratulations.
- Thank you, Nancy.
He says thank you.
No, he can't hear what you said.
I know.
(LAUGHING)
I know! I know.
I know.
I know! I know!
(CELL PHONE BEEPING)
Oh, girl, my battery's dying. Hold on.
Thank you.
Hello? Yes, I'm back. Where were we?
(SQUEALS) I know!
Are you serious?
Construction?
We're off-schedule as it is.
We're never gonna be able
to make it to Pitt in time.
- We're gonna have to use the siren.
- Absolutely not.
No one touches my siren.
Dad, desperate times
call for desperate measures.
Mel, getting to a slumber party
is not an emergency, okay?
Now reach in my bag
and hand me P-GPS.
What's P-GPS?
Police Global Positioning System.
Why don't you just call it
"Police G-P-S"?
Because its name is P-GPS.
Okay, Dad. Here you go.
There you go, P-GPS. Oh, P-GPS.
P-GPS, route fastest time to l-23.
AUTOMATED VOICE:
Calculating distance to l-23.
- Thank you, P-GPS.
- Thank you!
- No. Thank you.
- Thank you!
- No. Thank you.
- Thank you!
(WHY CAN'T WE BE FRIENDS
PLAYING)
- At the next intersection, turn right.
- P-GPS.
At the next intersection, turn right.
At the next intersection, turn right.
Next intersect... The next...
(WARPING) Turn right. Turn right.
Dad, I think P-GPS is broken,
because my map says
that we're supposed to be going
the other way.
Are you gonna believe a piece of paper
or a $40-million satellite?
Bet Grandma's right around the corner.
(HISSING)
(WOLF HOWLING)
Love what Grandma's
done with the place.
AUTOMATED VOICE: Thank you!
This is nothing. Don't worry.
I'll have this fixed, and we'll be back
on the tiny dirt path in no time.
- Trey, what are you doing?
- Going to DC.
You told me to take the note
to the Secretary myself.
Have you been hiding in here
the whole time?
You could have suffocated.
I built an air ventilation system.
I could have survived for weeks.
I meant, "we" could have survived.
You'll be lucky to survive
into next week,
once your mother and I
get through with you.
No service.
You just bought yourself
a stay of execution, boy.
(SQUEALING)
(GRUNTS)
- TREY: Come on, Albert.
- Dad, what are we gonna do with him?
I have the most important interview
of my life,
and I don't want Einstein and Porky
along for the ride.
What do you want me to do, Mel?
We're in the middle of nowhere.
We could leave him in the woods and
a nice family of wolves will adopt him.
- Dad, Dad!
- Oh!
(CRASHING)
AUTOMATED VOICE: Thank you.
(GRUNTING)
Dad, what are you doing?
I'm just gonna rock this thing over,
and we'll be on our way.
I just need a little momentum.
One! Two!
(GROANING)
Something popped.
Something popped.
Dad, do you need
that man-girdle thing you wear?
I thought that was Mom's.
(SQUEALING)
- Now, what's his problem?
- I think he hears something.
What is it, Albert?
Do you hear something?
(GRUNTING)
Is it trouble?
(GRUNTING)
Is it a fire?
Is Jimmy stuck in the well?
(SQUEALING)
Jimmy!
He's been watching
a lot of Lassie reruns.
TREY: Albert says
there's a road up ahead.
I think I see a road over there.
Aha! Albert was right.
(GRUNTING)
See, Mel? Told you everything
was gonna work out.
This place looks nice.
MELANIE: Oh, no pets allowed.
Looks like Albert has a problem.
But, Dad, Albert's a member
of this family.
Not by blood.
Now, this is the only hotel for 30 miles.
We don't have a car, and I'm tired.
(SQUEALING)
(SNIFFLES)
Okay. Do you have any ideas?
I have a thought.
ARCARA: I am dumping a lot of coin
on this wedding,
and I was told that they'll be
throwing rice at my little angel.
Yeah. I know.
- Hi.
- Hi. How can I help?
We'd like a couple of rooms
for the evening.
- Okay. How many are in your party?
- Just me, my two kids and the baby.
(GRUNTS)
- Oh! Somebody's getting hungry.
- I just gave you a bottle. Yes, I did.
- I know. You did.
- Didn't I just give him a bottle?
That is a hungry baby.
Yes. He's kind of a pig.
(GRUNTS)
(PHONE RINGING)
Michelle Porter. Hey, James, baby.
(SHOUTING) Trey is where?
Congratulations on your dream home.
I'll fax you the paperwork.
Put him on the phone!
- It's for you.
- Could you take a message?
- Hello?
- You are in big trouble, mister.
I hope you know
how to build a time machine,
because you are not coming out
of the house until the year 3000.
I'll draw up some plans with Albert,
but I can't promise anything.
Trey!
This is the most dangerous thing
you've ever done.
I'm sorry, Mommy.
I know you are, baby.
Let me talk to your daddy. Love you.
(SIGHS)
- Hey, baby.
- So are all of you all right?
Baby, we just had some trouble
with the car.
No more tricks, James.
And feed my kids!
You know, Sigmund Freud said
the best way to understand women
- is by listening to them.
- Yeah, but did he say anything
about understanding 10-year-olds?
Because you and the pig is looping me.
I'm confused.
Albert, go start the bath.
If you need us, we'll be playing chess.
Albert, that's enough bubbles.
Knight takes rook.
Hmm. Interesting.
Use your bishop as a decoy. Smart.
(GRUNTING)
- What are you doing?
- Just fixing my hair, about to get ready.
Look, Mel, I know you must be upset
about missing the sleepover.
But for whatever it's worth,
I was totally cool with it.
Thanks, Dad.
- What are you doing?
- Making coffee.
Caffeine is a drug.
You don't take drugs. End of story.
Dad, why do you insist
on treating me like a child?
Because according to the law,
you are one.
How's it going?
Think you got enough stuff, Melanie?
"Passion." She better not...
(BOTTLE SHATTERING)
WEATHERMAN ON TV:
... with consistent showers
through the next few days.
WOMAN ON TV: Thanks, Nick, sounds
like we have a rainy week ahead,
so don't forget your umbrellas.
And after the break,
how coffee makes you smarter.
(GRUNTING)
(CHOMPING)
(PEOPLE CLAPPING)
(BAND PLAYING IT HAD TO BE YOU)
ARCARA: (SINGING) It had to be you
It had to be you
$ 10,000.
(SINGING) I wandered around
And finally found the somebody who...
TREY: Dad! Dad!
- (GARGLING) What is it?
- Dad, it's an emergency.
- Where's the fire?
- There's something wrong with Albert.
(SQUEALING)
JAMES: What's up with him?
Just guessing, but he might have eaten
all the coffee beans you threw away.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Room service. I got cookies for the...
(GASPS)
Oh, no!
- Trey, stay put. The pig's gone crazy.
- TREY: Albert, get back here!
Albert! Get the pig! Get the pig!
Where'd he go? Where'd he go?
Little Houdini pig.
(GASPING)
Oh!
There he is!
(SIGHS)
Looks like we got ourselves
a wedding crasher.
I'm on it.
Settle down. Settle down.
Thank you, thank you.
At this time I'd like to make a toast
to my little angel
and my new son-in-law, Ted.
And, Teddy, you had better
take care of my little girl.
Because she is an absolute...
Pig!
Pig.
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
Excuse me?
(THUDDING)
(SQUEALING)
Pudding!
- Daddy!
- ARCARA: Get that pig!
Get it! Get it! Get it!
(SQUEALING)
ARCARA: What's wrong with you guys?
No, Albert. Albert!
Ted!
Don't just lay there, get up and get him!
Albert. Get back here!
(SCREAMING)
(SQUEALING)
My Cinderella wedding is ruined!
I'm sorry. But I didn't want a pig.
I told the wife, I said, "Get a little..."
- So this is your pig?
- It's my little boy's pig.
He want... Albert! Get down, Albert!
(SQUEALING)
ARCARA: Get him!
(GRUNTS)
Albert!
(MOANING)
No!
(SCREAMING)
LILY: Daddy!
JAMES: Rise and shine.
Ah!
We got to roll. Time to go.
There's a gas station
40 miles up the road.
Got to get some food in you.
Who's up for pigs in a blanket?
(SQUEALS)
What?
(LAUGHING)
No, I'm not...
(TALKING GIBBERISH)
Okay, whatever.
What a night.
They're gonna have
one wild wedding video.
At least we know when times are rough,
the Porters know how to rally together.
- Right?
- Yeah.
That's right. The Porters will rally.
(DOOR OPENS)
(LAUGHING)
I don't believe it!
(SQUEALING)
Shiver me timbers.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
In the words of my favorite ride ever,
"It's a small world after all."
- What are you guys doing here?
- Well, me and the little "cowgirl"
(IMITATING SHOOTING)
just picking up a dozen donuts
before we hit the "rodeo."
What about you?
We just had a little trouble with the car.
(BOTH MOAN)
(WHISPERING)
Well, new friend,
your luck just changed.
(BOTH SINGING)
We wish you a Merry Christmas
We wish you a Merry Christmas
We wish you a Merry Christmas
And a Happy New Year
(SQUEALING)
I just love Christmas carols. Don't you?
Just give me a chorus
of Joy to the World,
and I'm as mad as a hatter!
(LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY)
- (WHISPERING) They're crazy.
- I know.
So, JP, looking forward to the big day?
What day is that?
The day our precious little ones
"Shuffle off to Buffalo."
I gotta tell you, this road trip
has been the greatest experience
for Wendy and I.
I mean, there's just so much
to talk about.
Yeah, it's like we're getting
to know each other all over again.
- Jinx!
- Jinx!
(SINGING) Getting to know you
(INAUDIBLE)
Getting to know all about you
DOUG: (SINGING) Getting to like you
Getting to hope you like me
- I like you.
- I like you, too!
It was an itsy-bitsy teeny-weeny
yellow polka-dot bikini
That she wore for the first time today
So, Melanie, what other schools
are you looking at?
Actually, I have an interview
at Georgetown.
Wow! Georgetown, great school!
So what would you study?
Pre-law.
I want to get into the Cooper Program.
The Cooper Program, no way!
I always wanted to go to Japan.
Japan? What about Japan?
Sure, you study abroad
at their sister school.
- Tokyo, right?
- Tokyo?
Here you go.
Look, Doug.
I really appreciate this, man.
Can I help you out
with gas money, anything?
- Gas money?
- Yeah.
We charge hugs in this family.
(DOUG GUFFAWING)
One more for luck!
- Thank you.
- You mean...
(SINGING) So long, farewell
Auf Wiedersehen, adieu
Adieu, adieu
To you and you and you
(HUMMING)
- See you!
- WENDY: Bye! I call shotgun!
Goodbye
Goodbye
Goodbye
- Goodbye.
- Goodbye.
DOUG: Au revoir!
WENDY: Adis!
- See you! Jinx!
- See you! Jinx!
(BOTH LAUGHING)
So... We missed the bus.
But I did manage to get us
a seat on a tour bus.
At least there won't be any singing.
(SINGING) Sister Christian,
oh, the time has come
And you know that you're the only one
To say
Okay
Yeah, this is much better.
It's just one semester.
It's not like
I'm getting a Japanese citizenship.
You want to go
halfway around the world,
and I have to learn about it
in a stranger's car?
I'm just disappointed.
We used to be tight.
I'm sorry, Dad, it's just that I...
You don't tell me about Georgetown.
You don't tell me about Japan.
You didn't even remember
our special song.
I feel like I don't know anything
about you anymore.
What are we gonna do about them?
(PEOPLE CLAPPING)
That was great. That was great.
Let me just borrow the mic, sir.
I'm next.
No, let me just... Give me the mic, sir.
Let go of the mic, sir.
Hi, everyone.
Hi.
First, thank you so much
for letting us on this bus.
My family and I,
we're on a very special trip,
and I'd kind of like to sing a song
that my father and I used to sing
when I was a little girl.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Okay. Brother.
I'm gonna need you to give me
a little bass on this one, all right?
Like this.
(HUMMING)
(HUMMING)
Who's next?
(HUMMING)
(SINGING) That's it
Gimme a "Ho!"
if you've got your funky bus fare
ALL: Ho!
There's a double dutch bus
coming down the street
Moving pretty fast
So kind of shuffle your feet
Get on the bus and pay your fare
And tell the driver that you're
going to a double dutch affair
Follow me.
Fe fi fo fum
Fe fi fo fum
Well, I'll be darned, here it comes
Well, I'll be darned, here it comes
The double dutch bus is on the street
The double dutch bus is on the street
You better get off the curb
And move your feet
Get off the curb
And move your feet
- Say "Ho!"
- ALL: Ho!
- Say "Ho! Ho!"
- ALL: Ho! Ho!
- Say "Uptown!"
- ALL: Uptown!
- Say "Downtown!"
- ALL: Downtown!
On the count of three
Repeat after me
One, two, three
Bip, bomp, bam, alakazam
But only when you're grooving
With the double dutch man
Bip, bomp, bam, alakazam
But only when you're grooving
With the double dutch man
(HUMMING)
(CROWD HUMMING)
(HUMMING)
(CROWD HUMMING)
Everybody scream
(ALL SCREAMING)
And you said you didn't remember.
Well, of course I remember, Dad.
It's our song.
- Tell me about this Cooper Program.
- Oh, my goodness. It's so exciting.
Okay, so I'm just like all about it.
(INAUDIBLE)
JAMES: You're just going to make a left
down Maples,
three blocks and we're there.
Thank you.
Dad, do you think that
Grandma still knows we're coming?
Well, I didn't call her.
But it's not like she's going anywhere.
Just remember,
she's an old woman now.
She's not as light on her feet.
(LATIN MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO)
(WHOOPS)
Oh, yeah!
- It's my son!
- Not the control freak!
Hide!
MAN: We've got to get out of here.
WOMAN: No, not there!
Oh!
Come on. What's on your mind?
That won't work.
If you're ever in Okinawa...
- Goodbye!
- Bye!
Bye!
You know they're gonna have that song
in their head for the rest of their life.
Everybody needs a little Double Dutch
in their life.
That's right, that's right.
Oh, wow. Here we are.
Home sweet home.
I just hope the surprise isn't too much
of a shock for her fragile heart.
- She's getting up there in age.
- She's 63.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
One second!
ALL: We're here!
- My goodness!
- TREY: Hi, Grandma.
Not so rough, you'll break her.
Hey, Mama. Good to see you.
WOMAN: Is the coast clear? Hello?
Yoo-hoo!
Now, Mama, I know
you like the new security system.
Uh-huh. It's lovely.
Watch this.
Check this out.
- Floodlights.
- Oh, my goodness.
- Pretty impressive, right?
- James, it looks like a football field!
- GIRLS: Melanie!
- Oh, my goodness, I can't believe it!
Oh, my goodness! Hi.
Oh, my gosh! No!
What are you doing here?
- Yeah, what are you all doing here?
- After you couldn't make it yesterday,
we just decided to stay an extra night
at my sister's and surprise you.
You can sleep over at my sister's
like we planned.
This is amazing! Amazing!
This is the bestest, isn't it?
Oh, yeah. Yeah. Totally.
Thank you. Thank you, guys!
Okay, bye, you guys.
You're awesome!
Come on, you guys, let's go.
Don't forget, we got a 10:00 flight
to DC in the morning.
Dad, don't worry. I'll be home by 8:00.
Thank you, thank you,
thank you, thank you!
Good night, James.
You sure you don't want to wait for me
to finish this?
I think I'll survive the night.
(YAWNS)
Albert and I are going to sleep.
Good night, Son.
You still mad at me
for coming on the trip?
Son, no.
No, I could never stay mad at you.
You're my little man.
- I love you, Dad.
- I love you, too, Son.
- Good night.
- Get some rest.
MAN ON TV: The gazelle daughter
remains at its father's side,
seeking protection and security,
for if it veers off, it becomes
vulnerable to a myriad of predators.
What are you doing, gazelle?
Stay with your daddy.
Without the parent's guidance,
the offspring are at the mercy
of the harsh and unforgiving
animal universe.
Let's watch as the cheetah
rips the little gazelle's head clean off.
Poor little gazelle, you should have
stayed with your father.
(MUSIC PLAYING ON HEADPHONES)
(HUMMING)
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
(COUGHING)
- Hello?
- Who's this?
- It's Chris.
- Chris? What are you doing there?
Duh, I live here.
Where's Melanie?
I don't know.
I think she's in the shower.
Hey. Hey, Bobbi.
Can you check and see
if Melanie's in the shower?
Shower!
(BIG STUFF PLAYING)
Oh, yeah
(GROANING)
Mr. Big Stuff
Who do you think you are?
Mr. Big Stuff
You're never gonna get my love
Mr. Big Stuff, tell me
(DOORBELL RINGS)
Who do you think you are?
Mr. Big Stuff
- Can I help you?
- I need to see my daughter.
- Who's your daughter?
- Melanie Porter.
She's not a student here,
she's just spending the night.
- It will only take a minute.
- Who is she staying with?
- Katie's sister.
- Katie's sister.
Yeah.
I'm gonna need a little more than that.
Ma'am, it's okay. I'm a police officer.
Oh, thank goodness.
Where's your badge, officer?
It's back at my mom's.
Oh!
You still live with your mom.
That's nice.
Look, I know what this sounds like.
Sounds like you're not getting in
my sorority.
- Bye-bye, now.
- Melanie! Melanie!
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
Melanie!
(GIRLS SHOUTING)
Fight! Fight!
Mel! Don't touch her! Mel!
(GIRLS SCREAMING)
I've got you! Daddy's coming, baby!
Daddy's coming.
(GROANS)
(SQUEALING)
(GIRLS SCREAMING)
Oh, my goodness, you guys.
- Mel, should I get my hair highlighted?
- That could be pretty.
Do you think
I should get color contacts?
KATIE: That could be pretty.
- Think I should get sparkly lip gloss?
- MELANIE: That could be pretty.
I am so glad we had this talk.
Wow, you actually talked to your dad?
I talked to him about everything,
my whole plan.
Major in political science,
minor in American history
and then to the Cooper Program
for Japan.
Wow.
He was actually excited
to hear about it.
I think I might've misjudged him
this whole time.
It's the first time I remember us
having a real conversation.
He listened to me.
He treated me like an adult.
I know he's done a lot of crazy things
in the past,
but on the bus, it was different.
He changed.
I think he actually trusts me to be on
my own and make my own decisions.
- Georgetown!
- Georgetown!
(SQUEALING)
(POP SONG PLAYING ON RADIO)
(SNORING)
(MUSIC STOPS)
(SNORING CONTINUES)
(BOTH SCREAMING)
(BLOWING WHISTLE)
No, no. I'm a father! Listen, calm down!
I knew it.
(TASER BUZZING)
No, this... This ain't what it looks...
(TASER BUZZING)
(THUDDING)
Where is he? Still no answer.
We're gonna miss our flight.
You gotta line up the colors.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Hello? Yes, this is she.
What? He's where?
(SIGHS) I cannot believe this.
For the last time, I have to
get my daughter to Georgetown.
Right. Sure, yeah.
(DOORBELL BUZZES)
Come in.
Hi, my name is Melanie Porter.
I got a call about my father. Is he okay?
The individual in custody was
discovered this morning on campus
sleeping underneath a girl's bed
at the Omega Psi Lambda house.
Mel! My baby girl.
You ain't gonna believe
what happened.
I tried calling you,
and some guy answered the phone.
- And it was kind of...
- This man is not my father.
Melanie Porter.
Because my father would never
cross the line like that.
He would trust me
to make smart choices.
- Excuse me, but I have a flight to catch.
- Mel.
Mel! Don't walk away from... Mel!
(SNIFFLING)
Roger Wilco. Over and out.
Free to go. Someone sprung you.
James.
Mama, what's going on?
And where's Melanie and Trey?
Trey's taking Albert for a walk, and
Melanie's trying to catch her plane.
And you let her go without me?
Sit down, James.
Melanie told me what happened
at Northwestern.
I can explain that.
You didn't want her
to go to Georgetown,
so you concocted some ridiculous plan.
I'm just trying to keep everybody safe.
(SCOFFS) James.
You took my home and you turned it
into a high-security prison.
You can't even let her spend the night
with some friends
without creeping around
like a cat burglar.
What do you expect me to do?
How am I supposed to know she's safe
if she goes all the way to Washington?
James, how do you think I felt
when you left to join the army?
- I don't know, Mama.
- I was terrified!
I worried about you all the time.
I still do.
But you had to follow your own path,
and I had to let you leave the nest.
I wanted you home
every day you were gone,
but I had to trust you.
I had to trust
that you could take care of yourself.
And I had to believe in you.
So why can't you believe in her?
- I'll see you back at home.
- Is Mom gonna kill me?
I got your back on this one.
Just don't let it happen again.
- Good luck.
- You'll need this.
- Mama, I love you.
- I love you, too, Son.
TREY: Bye, Dad.
Excuse me.
The flight to DC, has it left yet?
I'm sorry, sir.
I'm afraid you've missed it.
Mel.
Hi.
You missed the flight.
I wouldn't have if you hadn't
gotten yourself arrested.
- Mel, look. I was...
- Dad, listen.
Georgetown is... It's over.
You know, you're getting
exactly what you wanted.
Me, closer to home.
Baby, that's what I came here
to tell you.
I don't want that anymore.
- What are you talking about?
- You know...
Dads don't know everything.
We just try to do the best we can.
Last night, when I came
to the sorority house?
I was trying to protect you.
That's what I do. I protect people.
Now, sometimes I go too far.
- In this case, I went way too far.
- Dad...
No, baby, look. I love you.
But I was so into what I wanted for you
that I couldn't see what you wanted.
I want what every girl wants.
I want a dad who loves me,
who adores me.
I want you to know
that you raised a really good girl.
I want you to trust me.
Guess I still see you as that
little six-year-old girl
singing Double Dutch Bus.
I'm not that little girl anymore, Daddy.
I've grown up.
Reality is,
you've shown me I can trust you.
You have.
Okay, I'll make a deal with you.
No more my plan, only your plan.
Now let's get you to Georgetown.
Deal.
(GIGGLES)
I don't care if Bob's here or not,
we got to be in DC by 3:30.
DC. Flow with me, Mel. Flow with me!
Excuse me. Excuse me!
- Is the plane going to Washington?
- Yeah, but it's for team members only.
We got a police emergency.
You have to let us on that plane.
- Are you guys divers?
- Yeah.
Big time. Huge divers.
Since I was a baby.
Well, climb on board.
(DON'T BRING ME DOWN PLAYING)
You got me runnin'
goin' out of my mind
You got me thinkin'
that I'm wastin' my time
Don't bring me down
No, no, no, no, no
I'll tell you once more
before I get off the floor
Don't bring me down, down, down
- We did it.
- Yeah. We did it.
Excuse me.
I never heard of a diving team
having their own plane.
Be pretty hard to do our thing
without one.
I thought all you'd need is
a swimming pool and a bouncy board.
Wrong kind of diving team, man!
Well, what sort of diving team are you?
(BOTH SCREAMING)
Rock and roll!
(WHOOPING)
Dad! Dad, a skydiving team!
You mean, we're not landing in DC?
We are, but the plane's not.
But we got to get to Georgetown now!
There's only one way
that's gonna happen!
(SHOUTS)
USA!
(SCREAMING)
USA!
Don't bring me down
What happened to the girl
I used to know?
(BOTH SCREAMING)
You let your mind out
somewhere down the road
Don't bring me down
No, no, no, no, no
- We can do this! Okay!
- Okay!
We got to get to Georgetown!
Okay, Daddy!
All right. One!
Two! Three!
(SCREAMING)
Now that's a great dad!
You got me shakin',
got me runnin' away
Don't bring me down
Dad! Pull the cord!
- What?
- Pull the cord!
Oh, yeah, the cord!
Don't bring me down
(CHUCKLING)
Sorry about the wedding, Lou.
Nice try, Phil.
But you're not going to psych me out.
After I make this putt,
you owe me $20,000.
(CHUCKLES)
Happy days are here again.
- Look out!
- Look out!
(SCREAMING)
(GROANING)
That was weird.
What happened?
How do you get out of this?
- Sorry about that. You okay?
- You?
- Oh, no.
- You!
I'm real sorry about your wedding.
- I'm going to kill you and your little pig!
- Gotta go.
Let's go! That way! That way!
- That's my cart!
- Move! Move!
MELANIE: I can see the campus
right over there!
Ten minutes to spare.
Ain't no stopping us now.
- Dad!
- Surprise!
Are you out of your mind?
(CHORTLING)
Hand me the four-iron, Mel.
Take the wheel.
(BOTH EXCLAIMING)
- How we looking?
- Looking good!
(BOTH SCREAMING)
(HONKING)
(WHOOPING)
(SCREAMING)
Is this part of the initiation?
MELANIE: Get out of the way!
(HONKING)
All right. Come on.
We got one minute to go!
- Go, Mel! Go, Mel! Go, Mel!
- I'm going! I'm going!
Daddy, elevator!
(ALL SHOUTING)
Wrong door!
Go! Go, move!
MELANIE: Work, work, work, work!
Come on.
(CRASHING)
Sorry. I'm so very sorry about that one.
(GRUNTING)
Daddy, get it off of me!
(GRUNTING)
Hi. My name is Melanie Porter.
I have an interview
with the admissions committee.
Of course.
Porter, Porter, Porter...
You made it just in time, Miss Porter.
They're all waiting for you,
right in there.
Yes! Yes!
How do I look?
- Like an angel. All right.
- Thanks, Dad.
That was horrible.
- Aren't you going in?
- MAN: Next, please.
Mel.
What?
(SIGHS)
I'm afraid.
Well, guess what? I was afraid, too.
Dad, what are you afraid of?
I was afraid that if I let you go,
that you'd never
need your daddy again.
But I'm always gonna need you.
Mel, this is what you gotta do.
Go in there with all confidence.
Keep your head up. And do your best.
All you can do is win.
Yeah, I like that.
And if they don't accept you after that,
it's their loss.
I'm so glad you're my dad.
Time for you to shine, baby.
I'm gonna let you go now.
Time to go.
Let's go, Trey.
- Melanie Porter.
- Porter.
Here we go. Room 217.
I just checked in your neighbor.
You did? Really? Who is it?
(SCREAMING)
I don't believe it! Can you believe it?
- I'm in Room 218!
- I don't believe it.
My gosh!
You inspired me to apply here,
and now we're gonna be neighbors!
I have to go get my dad.
He's gonna be so excited to see you!
- Dad?
- Surprise!
James! How are you?
It's so good to see you.
Oh, this is my wife, Sugarplum.
Hi!
(BOTH GROWLING)
This is my sugarplum, Michelle.
Hello, Michelle.
It's so nice to meet you.
- Hello, Michelle.
- Hi.
So, our daughters are staying
in the same dorm? How crazy is that?
You know what I'm thinking?
- Booster club karaoke party!
- Booster club karaoke party!
A little more singing.
A little more singing!
Absolutely!
- Come on, poopsie.
- Okay!
Hey.
(SINGING) People
People who need people
(FLY BUZZING)
Are the...
(COUGHING)
I swallowed a bug.
Wait for me!
I can't help it. I like that guy.
Our baby.
This is it.
Come here, baby.
I never thought this day would come.
I did. But I'm proud of you.
Thank you, Daddy.
I love you.
I love you, beautiful.
I'll see you at Thanksgiving, all right?
(INAUDIBLE)
(INAUDIBLE)
(INAUDIBLE)
It'll be okay.
- Where does the time go?
- Yeah.
Come on, baby. Let's head home.
JAMES: Trey? Five minutes, dinner.
TREY: Coming, Dad.
I can't believe
it's been three months already.
I just hope
she hasn't changed too much.
Well, how changed could she be?
You talk to her every week.
(GRUNTING)
Where did Albert get that hat?
(SINGING) Over the river and through
the woods to the Porters' house we go
I love this guy! Oh, what a gas!
Come on, James!
The karaoke's all set up.
We're going to sing and dance!
No, maybe after we eat.
We don't want to start singing
without the girls.
- Okay, all right.
- That was Melanie and Wendy.
They're two minutes away.
I can't wait to meet Tracy.
- Tracy?
- JAMES: Yeah.
That's a friend of hers from school.
They're gonna be studying in Japan
together next semester.
Now, James,
you promised me you're not
gonna make a big fuss about Japan.
No, this is the new James Porter.
New and improved.
There's nothing I can't handle. I'm cool.
- We're here!
- We're here!
Mel-bear!
(EXCLAIMING)
MELANIE: Look at you,
you look fabulous!
JAMES: You look fabulous.
Thank you.
Mom, Dad, I'd like you to meet Tracy.
Uh-oh.
(GRUNTING)
Nice to meet you, Mr. Porter.
Mrs. Porter.
(BOTH EXCLAIMING)
Tracy.
- You're a guy.
- Mmm-hmm.
Yeah. Yeah, I'm a guy.
(WHISPERING) Say "nice to meet you."
Nice to meet...
- Nice to meet you, Tracy.
- There you go.
Thanks. Thank you, sir.
James, I am so proud of you.
It takes a good dad to accept anything.
I'm so happy you just said that!
Scooter!
- Ding-dong!
- Dad, everyone, this is Scooter!
And Scooter and I are getting married!
Dad!
(SINGING) Getting to know you
Getting to know all...
(SCREAMING)
(SCREAMING)
(THUDDING)
(RIGHT BACK WHERE
WE STARTED FROM PLAYING)
Oh, and it's all right and it's coming on
We got to get right back
to where we started from
Love is good, love can be strong
We got to get right back
to where we started from
Do you remember that day
That sunny day
When you first came my way
I said no one can take your place
And if you get hurt
If you get hurt
By the little things I say
I can put that smile back on your face
Oh, it's all right and it's coming on
We got to get right back
to where we started from
Love is good, love can be strong
We got to get right back
to where we started from
Oh, it's all right and it's coming on
We got to get right back
to where we started from
Love is good, love can be strong
We got to get right back
to where we started from
Oh, it's all right and it's coming on
We got to get right...
(DOUBLE DUTCH BUS PLAYING)
Give me a "Ho" if you've got
your funky bus fare
Ho
You know you wanna jump
on the double dutch bus
So take a ride
we're waiting in the clutch
There's a double dutch bus
coming down the street
Moving pretty fast,
so kind of shuffle your feet
Get on the bus and pay your fare
And tell the driver that you're
Going to a double dutch affair
Follow me
Fe fi fo fum
Fe fi fo fum
Well, I'll be darned, here it comes
Well, I'll be darned, here it comes
The double dutch bus is on the street
The double dutch bus is on the street
You better get on the floor
Move your feet
Get on the floor, move your feet
Ooh, get on the double dutch bus
Double dutch bus
Jump on it, on it
Ooh, get on the double dutch bus
The double dutch bus
Jump on it, on it
Now I've missed my bus
and I know that I'm late
I gotta do something
that I know I'm gonna hate
I gotta walk to work fifteen blocks
I just started, I already got
a hole in my socks
Have a look now
Fe fi fo fum
Fe fi fo fum
Well, I'll be darned, here it comes
Well, I'll be darned, here it comes
The double dutch bus is on the street
The double dutch bus is on the street
You better get on the floor
Move your feet
Get on the floor, move your feet
Ooh, get on the double dutch bus
The double dutch bus
Jump on it, on it
Ooh, get on the double dutch bus
The double dutch bus
Jump on it, on it
- Say "Ho!"
- Ho
- Say "Ho! Ho!"
- Ho! Ho!
- Say "Uptown!"
- Uptown!
- Say "Downtown"
- Downtown
Wizzo izzay izzle in this double dizuch
- One time
- Dizouble dizuch
- Two time
- Dizouble dizuch
Sing along now
Wizzo izzay izzle in this double dizuch
Dizouble dizuch
Dizouble dizuch
Now scream
Come along and ride it
Yeah
Jump on and scream
Come along and ride it
The double dutch bus
And I want you
to come along and ride it
The double dutch bus
The double dutch bus
And I want you
to come along and ride it
The double dutch bus
Double dutch bus
Jump on it, on it
(ALBERT GRUNTING)