Comedy Central Roast of James Franco (2013) Movie Script

(film projector clicking)
(instrumental music playing)
I say James, y'all say
Franco, James Franco
James Franco, I say James,
y'all say Franco
James Franco, James Franco
I say James,
y'all say Franco
James Franco, James Franco
James Franco, James Franco
Money in the bank, bro,
eh, James Franco
Franco, Franco
mr. James Franco
Franco, Franco
I say James,
y'all say Franco
James Franco, James Franco
I say James,
y'all say Franco
James Franco, James Franco
yo, Franco, fra-fra-Franco
Franco, James Franco
Franco, fra-fra-Franco
Franco, Franco, Franco
Franco, fra-fra-Franco.
This is "the comedy central
roast of James Franco."
This whole crowd is high,
James Franco.
And now please welcome
your roastmaster Seth Rogen.
(applause, cheers)
Hello! Hi, guys.
My name is Seth Rogen.
Welcome to "the comedy central"
roast of James Franco."
Why, uh...
why are we here?
Why are we doing this?
I don't know. How high was I
when I said I would do this?
It's crazy. Is this punishment
for "the guilt trip"?
Is that what this is?
I'm just glad I'm not alone up here.
I got Nick Kroll,
Jonah Hill, Sarah Silverman,
Andy Samberg... Jeff.
This dais is literally hitler's
wet dream though, in all honesty.
It's got jews, gays
and whatever Aziz is.
This is so fucked up
to do with you guys here.
This is so mean.
I really like
these people. Uh...
anyway, I'll start with the
jewiest and work my way down:
Sarah Silverman is here.
Sarah and I actually worked together
on the film "take this waltz,"
which she was great in. She actually
did full-frontal nudity in the movie,
which was fantastic.
It was amazing.
I always thought
she was very liberal,
but it turns out she's actually
a giant bush supporter.
Aziz Ansari is here.
This is actually the longest
Aziz has ever heard me talk
without checking to see if someone
more famous has texted him.
I wanna make fun of you for
being friends with kanye west.
But truthfully, it's the only cool thing
there is about you, so I can't do that.
Jonah Hill is here.
A lot of people compare,
uh, Jonah to a young belushl...
jim belushi.
Jonah's actually started
to move away from comedy.
It happens five minutes
into his movie "the sitter."
Andy Samberg is here.
Andy plays a cop
on his new fox show.
His first case will be investigating
the disappearance of his new fox show.
A lot of people are
live-tweeting the show tonight.
Speaking of 140 characters no one gives
a shit about, bill hader is here.
Bill's a great impressionist. Right
now he's doing an impression
of a guy who really regrets
leaving s.n.l.
Nick Kroll is here.
Nick Kroll is the scary jewish
face mel gibson runs from
in his dreams every night.
"Ahhhh!" Yeah.
"Gimme your pennies."
Let's start talking about someone people
actually give a shit about: James Franco.
You know, who is
the real James Franco?
Is he an artist?
Is he an actor?
Is he a scholar?
He's tough to pin down,
although I've heard many guys
have been able to do it.
Let's take a look
at the career of James Franco.
- I got a lot of plans.
- Okay, what will you be doing?
- Plenty.
- He is a director, an author...
- painter, pilot...
- A soaking-wet gucci spokesman...
- a student...
- And an artist.
Good morning, everyone.
This is my fucking dream,
y'all. Make it come true.
Rub your wrist against my belt buckle.
Yeah, let me save you!
What do you think,
I want to be terrible at school?
I actually did fall
asleep in class.
Who doesn't
fucking fall asleep in class?
What are you doing?
Are you reading my books?
- Oh.
- Stop it! Stop learning for one second!
- Okay.
- James Franco.
This guy ain't so bad.
God, I've missed you so!
James Franco didn't suck
any dick last night.
Now I know y'all are tripping.
- I...
- All right!
- Wanna be...
- Look at me.
- Just like...
- Cool, man!
- James Franco...
- Eff you.
- Eff me? Eff you.
- Eff you!
- Eff you, man.
- Eff you, mother-effer.
- Brass monkey...
- Gimme some love.
That funky monkey,
brass monkey
I'm just marking my territory.
- That funky monkey...
- The artist known as Franco
won't mind that you trashed
his masterpiece.
Your mama's pussy was the canvas,
your dad's dick was the paintbrush.
Boom, you're the art!
Thanks, James Franco.
Why don't we do a sequel
to "pineapple express"?
You guys want to buy some chronic?
Smell it!
Like god's vagina.
I'm gonna pop some tags
Only got $20 in my pocket
This is fucking awesome...
we do it gangsta! Gangsta!
I'm from a different
planet, y'all!
And I just transported y'all
out to fucking space, y'all!
that's a cold-ass honky.
Would you ever consider
hosting the oscars?
- I did that.
- So would you ever consider
hosting it, properly?
I'm the actor
James Franco, damn it!
And I'm in love with
a japanese body pillow!
I've been looking
in a new direction...
- Avenge me!
- No!
I wanna laugh
and I wanna cry
I wanna spit
but my mouth's too dry
I wanna run but I'm scared
'cause my legs don't go...
Ow, help!
Help! Help!
The first guy that I ever sold
to that I became friends with.
Best fucking friends
forever, man.
- In a new direction.
- Boom. It's over.
All right.
Every man wants to be him
and he wants to be in every man.
The prettiest boy I know...
James Franco!
Where... where is James Franco?
- Come on.
- Ready three... take three.
Okay, I gotta go.
You take over.
Franco? What the fuck
is he doing back there?
All right, spidey-pose!
Mr. Franco, I'm so sorry
my paper's late.
- Oh, late? "F"!
- Love it.
Beautiful. Yes, yes!
And... that's our cover.
- Congratulations, doctor.
- All right, thank you, thank you.
"James Franco documentary,"
scene 1-apple, take one.
Hit it, all right.
Here we go.
Hi, James.
All right!
Welcome James Franco, everybody!
I'm a little surprised he
showed up, to be totally honest.
Why are we here, James?
I don't f...
can you tell us why
the fuck we're here?
- No fucking idea, bud.
- I know why I'm here.
'Cause whenever you do something without
me, it sucks. That's why I'm here.
We're here tonight
so James can live out
one of his unfulfilled
sexual fantasies:
To have a room full of his
friends shit all over him.
Franco, you look like you're asleep.
Did you just read a James Franco book?
He's had a great career.
Judd apatow
gave both me and him our start
on the show "freaks and geeks."
Uh... yeah.
It's true. Judd was actually
gonna direct this roast,
but comedy central didn't want
it to be 40 minutes too long.
James became famous
for playing James dean,
which makes sense 'cause they both sucked
some dicks and made three good movies.
You asked us to do this, man.
I don't know why.
To prepare for his role
in "127 hours,"
he told me he spent five days
with his arm inside the rock...
actually he goes by Dwayne johnson now.
I keep forgetting that.
He's the last guy I should
be making jokes about.
He'll literally fucking kill me.
Look at me doing all the talkin'
while you sit there doing nothing.
I feel like I'm co-hosting
the oscars with you.
Say what you will
about James's awful
and borderline contemptuous
performance at the oscars...
in this world there can
only be one James Franco,
'cause if there were
two James Francos,
they'd never stop
buttfucking each other.
How 'bout we bring out
our first roaster, huh?
There we go.
You probably know him
from his small roles in movies like "date
night" and "get him to the greek,"
and his starring roles
in no movies ever.
Please welcome Nick Kroll.
All right. Ladies and gentlemen,
give it up for Seth Rogen.
Let him hear it.
God, Seth Rogen is so jewish...
how jewish is he?
Seth Rogen is
so fucking jewish...
anyway, I'm excited
to be here tonight.
Seth, you're doing
a really good job up there.
It's not an easy job. Now many
of you might not know this,
but Seth Rogen has a writing and
directing partner named evan goldberg.
What does this other guy look like
that you're the face of the operation?
I assume he's like
a sweaty orthodox jew
eating a pastrami sandwich:
"Hey, Sethy,"
yeah, I added nine
dick jokes on page four.
And I was thinking that the guys are
friends and then they're not friends
and then at the end of the movie
they're friends again.
"And also they should smoke
a lot of ganja, Sethy."
We got a lot of jews
on stage here tonight.
You know, people say
that jews control the media.
And we do. And you know why?
'Cause we're really good at it.
I've never heard anyone say, "why are
all those black dudes in the n.b. A?"
Because they're better
at dunking, just like jews
are better at whatever joke
my jew writers come up with.
Lisa lampanelli's here!
(Scattered cheers)
Oh, I'm sorry,
that's Jeff ross.
Andy Samberg is here!
Or as I like to call him:
Better-looking more-successful me.
Jonah Hill. You know, a lot
of people are gonna touch
on your weight tonight, Jonah, but not
enough people are gonna talk about
what an asshole you've become.
But we're here tonight
to celebrate James Franco,
the man who made
this whole evening possible.
James always has that look of,
"oh man, how did this perfect
amount of facial hair"
end up on my face?
You know, I'm from palo alto,
from california,
"yet no one questions why I talk
like I'm from 1940s brooklyn."
James Franco is truly
our generation's James dean.
James dean of course
died at the tender age of 24,
sparing himself
the embarrassment
of getting roasted by a bunch
of jealous jew monsters.
James, honestly, what happened
with you and anne hathaway?
Did you bone her out?
You know what?
You're a gentleman,
you don't have to answer that.
Just squint once if yes.
Quick reminder that
if at any point tonight
James fully opens his eyes, there
will be six more weeks of summer.
But in all seriousness, James,
I admire your work ethic.
I think you're... (mumbles)
I'm just here to get
slightly more famous.
And remember,
if anyone here bombs tonight,
it's just 'cause they're doing an
impression of James Franco at the oscars.
Thank you, guys. Enjoy the
rest of your night. That's it.
All right, I have to admit
I'm a little jealous
of our next roaster.
He's gotten to work with guys
like quentin tarantino,
martin scorsese, brad pitt.
And I'm stuck doing movies
with self-important assholes
like Jonah Hill.
Please welcome Jonah Hill.
Hi, guys, James.
How's it going?
It's really great to be here
for my buddy James.
I just don't know why
they would choose me, though,
because there's
nothing really anyone
can make fun of me for.
I guess,
these guys are gonna
make fun of me for something.
So I just think
I'm just gonna be nice
and say what I like about them
because I really love
all these people up here.
Um, you know, like bill hader,
good friend of mine.
- (applause)
- Right?
He was brilliant on s.n.l.
He was brilliant.
And when he left the show
this year,
every single person was like
"what are you doing?
You're never ever
gonna work again like ever!"
And what does my man bill do?
He goes ahead and books himself
a t-mobile commercial.
(laughter, applause)
Who's laughing now,
lorne michaels?
My man bill is.
I mean, this guy's
cashing checks
from the fourth largest
mobile provider in the nation.
And look... no, look,
I respect bill because sprint
was coming after him hard.
But he just held out for that
fuck you t-mobile money.
Bill's awesome. (Chuckles)
I love you, bill.
Andy Samberg is
another friend of mine.
I love him. And now that
he's got his new tv show,
"brooklyn nine-nine," which I'm
assuming is about this brooklyn cop
who tried to make it
in the movie business,
but failed and got
sent back to tv.
- Yeah.
- My only question is,
Andy, when the show gets
canceled after five episodes,
are you gonna do a different
cellphone commercial
or are they gonna turn bill's
into a two-hander
for both of you guys?
Andy's awesome.
Sarah Silverman, so amazing,
so beautiful.
I think you're gorgeous.
And I think it's crazy
because everyone's like
"she's hot for a comic."
But I don't agree because
she's not just hot for a comic.
She's hot for someone her age.
That's right.
Seriously, Sarah, you were
my favorite comic as a kid.
- (mouths)
- (Laughter)
Sarah is a role model
for every little girl out there.
I mean every little girl dreams
of being a 58-year old,
single, stand-up comedian
with no romantic prospects
on the horizon.
They all dream of it,
but Sarah did it.
I'm living it.
And people say
it's too late for Sarah
to become successful
in movies at her age.
I, again, do not agree.
It's not impossible.
I mean, it's not like they're
asking you to bear children
or anything like that...
'Cause you can't do that.
And then there's Jeff ross
who's gonna fucking
kill me later.
So I figured I should
go pretty hard.
Bring it. Bring it. Bring it.
I never gave you
this compliment before,
but you're actually the reason
I decided to become successful.
I saw what you became
and it scared
the living shit out of me.
Jeff, you're like the ghost
of me and Seth's future
if we never made it.
You know, Jeff, I actually
have a question for you.
When you meet someone,
do you just straight up
lie to them
and say, "yeah,
I'm in show business"
or are you honest?
'Cause I imagine
it would be easier
just to say like
"yeah, I'm unemployed,"
instead of having
to struggle and explain
like, "yeah,
I'm on tv once a year."
It's like this thing
where famous people come in
and I'm part of it, kind of.
Like I make fun of them,
but then they leave
and go on to their careers
"and I just kind of stay
and clean everything up."
But seriously, guys, can you
please pick up after yourselves?
It's gonna make Jeff's life
a lot easier.
Thank you.
Jeff's awesome, you guys.
Aziz, natasha, Nick Kroll,
I'm assuming you guys
are James's friends
from high school.
But I think that is so dope
that you guys are willing
to get up here
even though no one knows
who the fuck you guys are.
Okay, that was a joke.
I know who you guys are.
But, genuinely,
Aziz hates this joke
because all Aziz wants
is to be famous.
I mean, he's famous
in like silver lake.
But who gives a shit, right?
Nick and natasha, how much
does it bum you guys out
that even being associated
with you two
is literally killing
Aziz right now.
That's fucked up.
Can we talk about
my buddy Seth Rogen?
Come on. - (Applause)
I adore this guy.
I fucking adore this guy.
He's a great writer,
a great friend.
And we can't talk about Seth
without talking about
"the green hornet."
We just can't, right?
Because every person
in the world is like
"'the green hornet'
lost so much money."
But that's not true.
It didn't lose that much money.
I mean every single person
in the world
fucking hated it,
but it didn't lose
that much money.
And that's the goal
after all, right?
To make terrible movies that
don't lose that much money.
(applause, laughter)
Seth's fucking awesome. Um...
now, James, the main course.
The feast de resistance.
James loves education.
He's always going to school.
Did you know that
he even went to yale?
Okay, look,
I know what you're thinking.
And it's not true.
He got into yale just
like everybody else.
He got really, really famous
and just kind of asked
a person from yale
if he could go there,
just like everybody else.
And everyone is gonna
make fun of James
for the oscars. It's obvious.
Everyone was saying,
"James was dead up there."
But I think that was
anne hathaway's fault.
I mean, fuck her for trying,
like at all.
How dare she
attempt in some way
to entertain
the millions of people
trying to escape their
lives for a few hours.
I commend you, James.
You know, you always hear
george clooney and other
big movie stars saying
"my philosophy
on making movies is
one for them and one for me."
But not my guy James.
Not my boy James!
James is a rebel.
He has his own
philosophy on this.
"One for them,
five for nobody."
(chuckling) okay.
All jokes aside,
James, you are
the weirdest fucking person
anyone has ever met
in their entire life.
I've known you for 10 years
and I'm still pretty sure
I've never met you before.
But for some reason, I fucking,
I love you, dude, so...
our next roaster was 29
on "maxim"'s hot 100
in the year 2007.
Please welcome Sarah Silverman.
Thank you. So how about a hand
for our host for tonight,
Seth Rogen?
Isn't he round?
I can't tell
if this is the dais
or the line to suck
judd apatow's balls.
It's so jewy.
What is this, "the comedy
central audit of James Franco"?
I saw the movie
"the guilt trip."
Seth, what was it like working
with barbra streisand?
And how did you two
tell each other apart?
Like, did one of you
wear a carnation or...
was it something like that?
Seth's parents...
uh, Seth's parents
actually met at a kibbutz.
If you don't know
what a kibbutz is,
it's a community in israel
where apparently
they don't allow abortions.
Right before the show started
Seth rolled a gigantic fatty,
because that was the only way
we could get Jonah Hill
onto the stage.
James, I loved
"spring breakers."
"Spring breaker"
is actually the Nickname
we gave Jeff ross
when he sits on a bed.
James recently won
the ally award
for his support
of the I.g.b.t. Community.
It's a prestigious award
that is given anally...
annually! It's given annually.
Jonah Hill is here.
I love Jonah.
Jonah is such a jewy dick,
you have to watch his movies
through a hole in a sheet.
Jonah actually gained
50 lbs for his role
in the new martin scorsese film,
because the producers wanted the
character to be a "Jonah Hill type."
But he slimmed down
a lot last year.
But what Jonah lost in weight,
he gained in weight.
Jonah, on a scale
from one to 10,
do you own a scale?
But seriously, you have had
such a body transformation
in the past couple of years.
You have come a long way
from just being
sonny and cher's daughter.
It's done?
Hi, bill hader.
I hate making fun of bill.
He's so sweet and gentle
and I used to date his brother,
jew hater. But...
natasha leggero, everybody.
I love natasha so much.
This is natasha's
first roast, you guys.
She's like a little chihuahua,
'cause she's teeny tiny
and she's feisty,
and she's filled
with mexican d.n.a.
Just to be clear, when I say
"filled with mexican d.n.a.,"
I mean, she's filled
with the cum of mexican people.
Like, from tons
of mexican gentlemen
cumming inside her vast vagina.
And also from her guzzling cum.
I just didn't want there
to be a misunderstanding.
Speaking of brownish people,
Aziz Ansari is here.
I have been a huge supporter
of Aziz for years,
and for only the price
of a cup of coffee.
By the way,
Aziz can't stay all night.
He's gotta get back
in the cupboard.
but tonight is
about our man of the hour,
mr. James edward Franco,
sitting to my right.
James is openly
a very sexual person.
I don't think James is
necessarily gay or straight,
I think he just...
he literally can't
open his eyes enough
to see who he's fucking.
James did a movie called
"interior. Leather bar."
It's about gay pornography.
He was inspired after he ate
a giant bag of dicks
hosting the oscars.
Robert de niro,
sean penn, julia roberts...
these are just some
of the huge stars
James has worked with
who didn't
wanna be here tonight.
But you landed me
and I'm so lucky for that.
Congratulations, doll.
We are very excited
and I'm just gonna say it...
honored to introduce
our next roaster.
He's responsible
not just for my career,
but for every single person's
career in this entire room.
Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome
the president of hollywood.
Hello, everybody.
Hello, hello, everybody.
Before I start I just want
to say to everyone up here...
you're welcome.
In no other place but hollywood
could these 10 people make
the kind of money they make
and sleep with the kind
of people they sleep with.
And so again I say...
you're welcome.
Seth Rogen.
You're welcome,
you hairy canuck.
You are welcome.
I, hollywood,
made the world accept you.
I put you on a movie poster
and I said, "deal with it."
And then I put
barbra streisand on that poster
and the world said, "no!"
"The guilt trip"!
Listen, if I wanted to watch
two ugly jews
weaving through traffic,
I'd watch seinfeld's
web series.
And, Jonah, I'm assuming
you're here because Seth is?
People call me
all the time and they say,
"hollywood, do we really need
two of these guys?"
But I own you, Jonah.
I fuckin' own you.
If I tried to buy you
on itunes, it would say,
"are you sure
you want to purchase?
Because you already
own this fuck."
Andy Samberg.
The correct pronunciation...
(heavily accented)
Looking forward to your new
show, "brooklyn nine-nine."
Funny cops.
You're always pushing
the envelope, Andy.
What's gonna happen
when you run out
of funny crimes like graffiti
and pickpockets?
Can't wait to see episode 10
when "brooklyn nine-nine"
has to deal with a rape.
"Oh, I dropped the rape kit?!
Yeah, that's gonna be fun.
Aziz, you're welcome.
Aziz, I admire
how you've never taken
the stereotypical indian roles.
And I just want to tell you
that if you did,
you would make
so much more money.
If you came out here
right now with crossed eyes
playing a sitar, I would fall
on my ass laughing.
But still, what an actor.
Such phenomenal range.
You're like the daniel day-lewis
of only doing one thing.
Jeff ross! Hi, I'm hollywood.
We haven't met before.
Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
Uh uh uh, sorry I haven't
been able to do anything yet.
Like enterprise rental car
on christmas day,
I do not have
a vehicle for you.
Jeffrey? Do you understand
what I'm saying?
- Yeah, I hear you.
- Jeff doesn't get it.
No, I gotta speak to Jeff now
in his native language.
Excuse me, everybody.
(mimicking jabba the hutt)
(speaking huttese)
Hey, where's bill hader?
Huh? Where's that guy?
I loved his original
characters on s.n.l.
Stefon, a gay guy!
Oooh, how original!
What's next,
an old jew in a track suit?
But bill's okay in the movies
if you need
a best friend's best friend
to ask an exposition question.
"So, you're gonna
follow her to hawaii?"
"Yes, bill. Now fuck off
for the rest of the movie."
And now I come to you,
James Franco.
You're welcome.
And no one can argue
with your integrity as an actor.
From jerking off
next to a boulder
to sucking a gun like a dick,
you are truly
the jimmy stewart of today.
But I know it hasn't always
been easy for you, James.
You overcame a crippling
childhood affliction
known as dumb face.
But you never let that
interfere with your dream
of making dog-shit movies...
and explicitly gay gucci ads.
And the oscars. The oscars.
Look, I don't even watch
the oscars anymore,
but everyone was calling me.
"The kid is making
a mockery of your night."
But you did the impossible:
You made me like anne hathaway.
I made sure she won
every single fucking award
for that "les mis"
theater-camp bullshit
because of what you put
her through, you lazy dick!
But things are looking up.
Yeah, yeah.
Your upcoming film
that you wrote and directed
is an adaptation of william
faulkner's "as I lay dying."
- (cheering)
- Oh.
They got
the faulkner crowd in here.
Well, I'm very excited
for that, James.
And I must say,
you know, if you...
It's gonna suck, James.
I'm worried about you. I'm really
fuckin' worried about you.
You know how when people talk
about john wilkes booth,
they go, "you know,
he used to be an actor."
I feel like
you're going down that road!
You're gonna start a forest fire
that kills 20 people
while making
an experimental vine video.
And from then on
people are gonna say,
"you know, that fucking
psycho used to act."
I just don't know
what you're doing.
I gave you a chance
to be a movie star,
make money,
hang out with the spider guy.
And you said,
"naw, I wanna be an artist."
Well, I'll tell you what I told
richard grieco 20 years ago...
"play ball, you squinty fuck...
or you will disappear!"
And poof! He's gone!
And you're next, Franco!
So what I need from you,
James, are hits,
like when you played the bad guy
in "21 jump street."
Oh wait, that wasn't you.
That was your less-retarded
younger brother dave!
That sounds like
a made-up brother name: Dave.
"Hey, James Franco's
got a brother."
"What's his name, dave Franco?"
In closing: Give me hits,
drop the artist shit,
and take your money
and fuck off.
I hope you enjoyed your roast.
I can't wait to see your
shitty documentary about it.
Good night.
You're welcome. Come here.
I am very excited to hear
what our next roaster's voice
sounds like for the first time
in my life.
Please welcome natasha leggero.
Thanks, "honey jew-jew."
Look at this dais: Jonah Hill,
Seth Rogen, Jeff ross,
Andy Samberg, Nick Kroll.
I feel like the hot counselor
at hebrew camp.
The room is buzzing tonight,
and not just from the flies
around Aziz's relatives.
Jonah Hill, I loved you as a
baseball analyst in "moneyball,"
and I love you as
rosie o'donnell in real life.
Jonah was born
and raised in hollywood,
and you can tell.
He's a name-dropper
with big tits
and an eating disorder.
That's a fucking great joke.
Andy Samberg. Hi, how are you?
Andy's comedy group is
called the lonely island,
which is how each
of his teeth feel.
- I got 'em fixed.
- Andy, I'm looking forward
to the sad acoustic version
of "dick in a box"
at lorne michael's
open-casket funeral.
What is this?
Nick Kroll! Nick!
Your fan must be
so excited you're here!
No, Nick, I love "Kroll show."
You are amazing at characters.
You're like a chameleon...
in that you have hideous skin
and bulging eyes.
Bill hader, you are this
generation's phil hartman...
- Jesus fucking christ.
- (Audience moans)
Sarah Silverman's had more ugly
men inside her than comic-con.
Kim kardashian is here.
Oh, that's Aziz. Sorry.
I get 'em confused,
they're both brown narcissists
riding kanye's dick.
No, Aziz is only
in show business
because he's too ugly
to be a genie.
My third wish, Aziz, is that you
stop screaming your punch lines.
I saw your special. If I wanted to
get yelled at by a humorless indian,
I'd read a magazine
at 7-eleven.
No, they love Aziz in india.
He was recently awarded
india's highest honor...
James Franco...
acting, teaching, directing,
writing, producing, photography,
soundtracks, editing...
is there anything you can do?
No, at first I wasn't sure
why James would do this roast,
and then I saw "spring breakers" and
I was like, "oh, he'll do anything."
James has a new reality show coming
out on the ovation network... wow.
Finally something so awful
that even t.l.c. Was like,
"nah, we're good."
James, you're hard to roast.
I mean, you're so dreamy.
I mean, something about you,
I just wanna please you.
I just wanna take you
back to my hotel room,
take off all your clothes
and let a man fuck you.
No, I'll fuck you, James.
I just wanna put a bag
over your career choices.
You're a fantastic artist.
Thank you, I feel honored
to be here. Thank you.
Thank you.
Coming up is the man
who made s.n.l. Funny again...
by leaving.
Please welcome Andy Samberg!
Hey, everyone.
So, uh... I just
flew in from new york
and boy, are my arms fine! Because Seth
Rogen gave me a ride on his private jet.
Way to be thoughtful and generous when
you had nothing to gain from it, pussy.
I'm kidding.
Super appreciate the hookup.
But seriously, Seth, what's up
with your gigantic tux?
I'd be swimming
in that thing...
if I could swim!
Burned you! I can't swim.
Roastmaster... check.
Let's see,
who else should I lampoon?
Wow, look at this dais...
a word I knew before tonight.
Someone must have
told the producer
that this was a panel
of kenny rogers roasters,
'cause you guys are
a bunch of chickens!
Thank you.
It's a chicken-based restaurant,
I researched that.
The "lovely" Sarah Silverman
is here.
I hate to break it to you,
Sarah, but you're getting older.
And you know who else is
getting older? My mom.
I'm scared she's gonna die soon.
What's that gonna be like?
Roasted you.
Roasted Sarah.
Okay, who's my next victim?
Natasha leggero is here.
She's, uh... she's basically
a complete unknown,
but tonight we're gettin' paid
the same amount of money!
Uh ah, got you.
Well, guess what, natasha?
You can do everything I can do,
but I can never experience the miracle
of birthing a child. Roasted you.
Like a reggae guy.
Here's one: Nick Kroll, bill hader,
and Seth Rogen walk into a bar.
They're there to pick me up because I'm an
alcoholic who can't manage my feelings!
Nailed you fuckers!
Suck a butt!
Uh, is there a barista here?
'Cause this roast just got dark!
(clears throat)
Who else?
Who else wants the wrath?
My good friend
Aziz Ansari is here.
Aziz's parents are from india
and he's from south carolina.
Hey, Aziz, what's it like
to have a unique perspective
on what it means
to be american, you bag of shit?
Roasting so hard right now.
It's like at boston market
in here,
'cause I'm roasting
all these kenny rogers chickens.
Jonah Hill is here.
Jonah is so dumb that when he
had me over for a dinner party,
I overstayed my welcome
and he pretended to be tired
so I would leave without
getting my feelings hurt.
You a passive-aggressive
sweetheart, Jonah!
Just ask me to leave.
But I did wanna stay.
Who else is here? Uh...
oh yeah, god is here.
God is everywhere, okay?
He walks with me
through sunshine and rain.
He protects me from temptation.
He is my light.
Roasted the father!
On the sacrilege tip.
Expect letters, comedy central.
If you don't want controversy, you
shouldn't have invited the king!
And now we come
to James Franco.
Everyone's always talking about...
Thanks, bill.
It's my old homey.
Hey, everyone's always talking about
how good-looking you are, James.
And they are spot on.
You're so handsome
you remind me of the man who
broke up my parents' marriage.
Bam, boston market!
Did you know James Franco was
on "general hospital"?
A crappy soap opera!
It's like you don't let your ego
get in the way of your artistic path.
What is that, kenny rogers?
"Oz the great and powerful"?
More like a movie that transported
me to a magical wonderland.
Good one. Thanks.
Hey! Here's a fun fact:
James Franco has a tiny dick.
Yeah, I said it.
James's dick is so small
that I had to suck it for, like,
three hours just to get him hard.
And then it got way bigger.
Like, scary big. I was like, "you
want me to do what with that?"
Anyways, he railed on me up the
ass, up and inside of my asshole
with his gigantic
"planet of the apes" cock.
James is so bad in bed
that he doesn't even clean his jizz
off my back when he's finished.
Talk about chivalry is dead...
a gentleman, sir, you are not!
Ahhh... you guys, don't be homophobic.
Seriously, it's 2005.
Grow up.
Hey, James, knock knock.
- Who's there?
- I think about you when I jerk off.
Hey, guys, can you try
and settle down out there?
I'm trying to roast up here.
I don't go down to your job and knock
James Franco's dick out of my mouth.
You never
take me anywhere, James!
I sucked your dick, man!
So these are classic
roast jokes.
Jeff ross knows
what I'm talking about.
You melting hippo. Look...
all I'm saying...
all I'm saying is this:
James has force-fed me
so much dick
that you can make foie gras
out of my liver.
That's a foodie joke
about dicks.
You guys, this has been great.
Let's always remember this.
And, James, you are a super
strange guy and I like that.
Because you've had every opportunity
to be boring and you didn't.
So congrats. And congrats to all
of us for being here tonight
and being so mean to each other,
because it's a tradition
and we're all terrified.
Thank you.
Our next roaster
could have been
in the movie "life of pi,"
but producers thought
they'd get a better performance
out of someone who's
literally never acted
in anything ever
in his whole life.
Please welcome Aziz Ansari.
Thank you.
Thank you so much, everyone.
This is so cool.
I've actually never done
any of these roasts before.
But hey, they told me
this roast is different.
You know, they got a
contemporary relevant celebrity,
James Franco, and they got
his actual friends to roast him.
Very cool idea.
If that's the plan though,
why am I here?
I don't know James at all.
You guys saw "this is the end."
I've been up here longer than
I was in "this is the end."
The funniest part
of "this is the end" to me
is if James actually
had that party,
I don't think
I would have been invited.
Natasha leggero is here.
(scattered applause)
And yes, natasha,
sometimes in my set,
I do yell. And so would you
if you toured for more
than tens of people.
- Yeah!
- But natasha had a fantastic set.
It's... yeah,
that was so funny.
It's a shame she didn't say her
jokes eight times slower though
so people actually had
a chance to catch it
when they fast-forward her
on their d.v.r.
This is my impression
of natasha's set
as it will be seen
on most television sets:
"Ladies and gentlemen,
natasha leggero."
(mimics fast-forwarding)
"Thank you so much, James."
Jonah Hill is here.
- (applause)
- Yes.
I do think one day Jonah
will win an oscar...
meyer hot-dog eater
of the millennium award.
Look this guy is a huge star.
He's hanging out
with the brad pitts
and the leonardo dicaprios
of the world.
If I was hanging out
with those guys,
you think I'd still get
brunch with Nick Kroll?
No, of course not.
That's how successful Jonah is.
He had to get new friends.
That's my new career goal,
to never see Nick Kroll again.
Sarah Silverman is here.
Some of the guys here tonight
really taking me to task
over one kanye west joke
I did in my stand-up act
five years ago.
If anyone wants to make fun of any
jokes Sarah did five years ago,
please don't.
She's still doing those jokes.
Also, I think it's so cool
that some of you guys
were able to travel back in time
to 1995 for those
indian jokes you did.
That's so cool.
Those stereotypes
are so outdated.
My god.
There's more indian dudes
doing sitcoms
than there are
running 7-elevens.
We're straight up snatching
roles from white actors.
My last three roles
were rAndy, chet and tom.
Jeff ross is here...
'cause he never left
since the last roast.
He has nowhere else to go.
It's so sad.
He lives in the dressing room.
But hey, Jeff is really good
at roasting, okay?
Even if they canceled
the comedy central roast,
you'd still see Jeff out there
somewhere roasting...
a dead rat over a garbage fire
because he'd be homeless
and he'd need to make
a nice dinner that evening.
I saw Jeff at the comedy club
the other night.
A woman comes up to him
and says, "hey",
if you're who I think you are, I'm
definitely sleeping with you tonight."
And he goes
"hell yeah, I'm Jeff ross."
And she goes, "oops, sorry."
I thought you were the main orc
from 'the lord of the rings.'"
I wrote that joke before
you did that to your hair too.
But we're here
for James Franco.
Yes. - (Cheering)
So many gay jokes tonight.
Wow, so many
gay jokes about Franco.
Apparently if you're clean,
and mildly cultured
you're super gay now.
Is that why
the rest of you guys
are so aggressively
fat and dirty?
You think if you read one book
and take a shower,
dicks are just gonna
fly into your face?
Franco, I don't know
you that well,
but I'm glad you had me here.
And later tonight, I'm looking
forward to you coming up here
and doing what you do best...
being mildly funny
reading material Seth Rogen
has written for you.
Thank you guys very much.
All right, our next roaster
very cleverly came dressed
as one of the characters
from James's films.
Here he is dressed as the hot-air balloon
from "oz the great and powerful,"
Jeffrey ross!
How you guys doin'?
I love it. What an epic night!
First off, I'd like to thank my
niece Seth Rogen for hosting.
Oh man! I saw your mall cop movie.
What was it called?
- "Observe and report."
- Yeah.
It made me realize
how funny kevin James is.
How many people saw
"this is the end"?
Awesome movie.
I loved all you guys in "this
is the end." I really did.
You played yourselves,
that was so cool.
How'd you guys you get
into character on set?
Did they pass out smoothies that
taste like judd apatow's asshole?
Look at these fat guys laughing.
I love it.
In "this is the end,"
Jonah Hill gets raped
by a demon
with a big black cock!
The cock didn't have
to be big or black,
but you know
Jonah with his demands.
Actually Jonah almost
couldn't make it tonight
because he had trouble finding a tuxedo
that changed in sizes every three hours.
Jonah, you're
an amazing talent.
I love you as the ku klux klan
guy in "django unchained."
That was a great role. You should wear
a sheet over your face in every movie.
What was that,
a california king?
It was big.
When Jonah's agent told him
that quentin tarantino
wanted him to be
in a spaghetti western,
Jonah was like,
"you had me at spaghetti."
Jonah Hill!
Jonah Hill...
what's that? Spaghetti western.
Spaghetti western.
You like that?
- I like that.
- I love you, Jonah. You're a good guy.
I fucking love you, dude.
Great to see Sarah Silverman.
She's the greatest.
So funny tonight.
You're like a sister to me.
I'm so proud of you,
Sarah, for your success
in the animated movie.
Anybody see "wreck-it ralph"?
Which is what guys
do to your pussy.
They wreck it, then they ralph.
Bill hader.
Holy mackerel, so hilarious.
That was great.
Too bad you can't do an impression of
a guy with two equally sized eyes.
Man! Look at that!
Get a close-up!
I've heard of a lazy eye,
but that left one's
collecting unemployment.
Aziz, I wanted to make some
jokes about you bombing tonight,
but you were so goddamn funny
I can't and, uh...
I mean, seriously, Aziz,
you were hil...
(ululates) ...larious.
Aziz has been charming audiences
and snakes for years.
And I guess you're here
tonight because now that kanye
had a real baby,
he doesn't need you anymore.
How ya doin', Franco?
You look like johnny depp
with lupus.
Does ryan gosling ever call you,
start laughing and then hang up?
Franco is half italian
and half-asleep.
How about a hand for James's
grandma, 91 years old.
Beautiful. Look at her!
"127 hours" is
how long she has left.
(crowd moans)
Get him, grandma. Get him.
Get him!
Oh... oh, Franco.
Franco comes
from humble beginnings, right?
Your first job was working
at mcdonald's.
It was the last time anybody ever said
about your work, "I'm lovin' it."
Oh. And because
you're an academic
I treated this roast like
a research project.
I watched all your films.
I read your poetry.
I even have one of your paintings
hanging in my fire pit.
You know, Franco, personally I don't
care if you fuck guys or fuck girls.
All I know is you fucked me out of 12 bucks
when I went to see that wizard of oz movie.
The whole time I was
in the theater I was thinkin',
"there's no place like home."
But, Franco, I'm really
looking forward
to you mumbling your rebuttal
at the end of the show.
Are you ready
to bring it, Franco?
Let's hope you...
that's good. I'm psyched.
Let's hope you bring
some of that razor-sharp wit
you brought to the oscars.
You were a worse host
than the aids monkey.
Face it, Franco,
you and anne hathaway
had the comedic chemistry of trayvon
martin and george zimmerman.
Anyway, Franco,
I really do admire you
because you're
a creative risk-taker
during a time when the world
needs more of that.
So I wish you
continued success and...
I hope I wasn't
too mean tonight
because my girlfriend and I both
wanna fuck you after the show.
All right, good luck, buddy.
(instrumental music playing)
All right! It is time
for the man of the hour.
Get ready. Are you ready?
He's been sitting here
for hours squirming,
waiting for this to end.
So now he knows
how we feel when we watch
one of his piece-of-shit
independent movies.
Please welcome up
my good buddy James Franco.
James Franco
James Franco, James Franco
I say James,
y'all say Franco
James Franco, James Franco
I say James,
y'all say Franco
James Franco, James Franco
- Franco, Franco...
- Thank you.
I do think this...
this is truly my punishment
for the oscars.
America and the rest
of the world
can have a cathartic moment
after this airs.
And I wanna thank everybody here.
Thank you for coming.
I had no idea what
you were gonna be into.
And, Jonah, thank you
most of all! L...
when you said yes, I didn't
know that you were gonna be
listening to these jokes
for two hour...
I had no idea
what a friend you are.
- I love you.
- I love you, Jonah. Thank you.
I agreed to do this roast
because I really wanted to do
something I'd never done before,
something that has
zero artistic value,
something nobody will remember
three months from now,
something that's offensive,
stars horrifically
untalented people,
and something
that's only a big deal
to a handful of teenage
stoners on twitter.
Now you might say, "but, James, didn't
you just describe 'your highness'?"
I wouldn't know.
I didn't see "your highness."
And you know why I didn't
see "your highness"?
Because I was too busy
working, creating,
writing poetry, painting,
making independent films
and building psycho-sexual
edible birdhouses.
And despite all
of my amazing, inspiring work,
I've had to sit here,
listen to you guys launch
vicious attacks at me,
and all of them are
completely unfounded.
You're gonna say
I sucked at the oscars.
I was a genius
at the oscars.
That was experimental
Now you're gonna say
I'm a pretty boy.
And you don't know
how painful that is.
I'm always typecast
as the same guy...
you know, the handsome wizard
and handsome meth dealer
and the handsome
clumsy amputee hiker.
Just once I'd like to play
some of the diverse roles
that Nick Kroll gets, like...
the rat-faced attorney,
or the rat-faced maitre d',
or the rat-faced
children's hospital doctor.
And you're gonna
say I'm effeminate
just because I feel comfortable
in a flowing ball gown.
I mean, if I'm wearing
the high heels,
how am I not gonna wear
a beautiful gown?
And I know that I look
terrific as a woman.
And I'm certainly doing
a better job of it
than that guy over there
dressed as Sarah Silverman.
Now Seth was really
hilarious tonight,
but the jokes suggesting
that I was gay...
coming from you, Seth...
it really hurts!
Because it reminds me
of the time on the set
of "pineapple express"
when Seth Rogen
tried to rape me.
Forced his way
into my dressing room,
blew pot smoke into my mouth
p... and he pinned me
beneath his sweaty,
heaving, shlubby body.
Luckily he was distracted by the sound
of an ice-cream truck outside...
and I managed to break free.
But, Seth, the incident did inspire
my latest painting entitled.
"Seth Rogen is
a gay stoner rapist."
Now you say you don't
understand my movies?
Well, I don't understand
my movies.
In "oz," I was followed
around the whole time
by an excitable little monkey
dressed like a bellboy.
Why was he dressed
like a bellboy?
Well, what am I asking you for?
Aziz, why were you
dressed like a bellboy?
All right, so you guys
think I'm pretentious.
Well, James Franco addressed
James Franco being pretentious
in his book "James Franco."
But it's... (sNickers)
But it's not just me.
Look at how full of himself
Jonah's become since
his oscar nomination.
Don't forget
where you came from, pal.
Sure, you're buddies with
brad pitt and channing tatum,
but I was your first
handsome friend.
Before you get too cocky, remember,
I was there in "this is the end"
when you were getting brutally
ass-rammed by that demon.
We both know the only way the
demon could keep his erection
was because he was
thinking about me.
So all night I've had to sit here
and listen to everyone's jokes,
pretending to be amused by them, but
in reality the joke's on all of you.
This is not a roast.
This is my greatest,
most elaborate
art installation ever.
I'm not the real guest of honor
and these aren't real comedians
and we're not even
on a real network.
What you've seen tonight
was my brilliant opus...
to sequester
an artistic visionary
and subject him to the mindless
incoherent trashings
of a scattering of miscreated,
talentless abnormalities.
I call it "genius unscathed"
and this is my masterpiece.
There's only
one thing missing...
my signature.
That says,
"James Franco, bitches."
Thank you. Good night!
Franco, Franco
James Franco
James Franco, Franco
James Franco...
- Thanks, brother.
- Yeah.
- Thanks again.
- Great job, buddy.
Awesome, hilarious. Thank you.
- Now I'm going to burning man.
- Are you really?
- Yeah.
- Goddamn it.
Goddamn it,
I actually love you.
- You're a real friend.
- Yeah, I am,
and I love you. Thank you
for being a good sport.
You're so sweet.
I laughed a lot, man.
- That was fun, dude.
- You guys were great.
- (kisses) ah.
- Everybody was good.
That was awesome, man.
You did such a good job, man.
You're so great, Sarah.
That was so funny.
- You are too. It was so fun.
- You're so awesome.
It was one of the best roasts
I ever saw.
- I want this picture.
- A night to remember.