Cookout, The (2004) Movie Script
Yo, Todd,
where the floods at?
Yeah, Todd, is the flood
coming this way?
Bling and Wheezer,
quit horsing around.
Get to class.
Don't listen to them.
They're stupid.
Yeah, I know.
Don't worry.
I'll always be there...
for you, Todd Andersen.
Doo-doo head.
Thanks, Becky.
Todd, how does it
feel to have...
all of the experts
picking you...
to go first
in the draft?
Broke, from bribing
all those experts.
No, no, I'm just playing.
No, seriously,
I'm honored...
that people love
my game that much.
But there will be
a lot of good players...
in the draft tomorrow...
and the first pick
could be anybody.
Now, Todd,
you were raised...
in the ghetto,
the hood...
dragged up
in the streets...
after your father
abandoned you and your mother.
My dad never left.
He's right here.
This is my dad.
No government cheese?
No welfare?
No.
My parents
worked very hard...
to pay the bills
and keep clothes on my back.
So, Mr. And Mrs. Andersen...
once Todd is selected
in the draft...
he stands
to make millions.
Do you think things will
change for your family?
We're a down-home
kind of people.
We raised Todd to know...
that family values are more
important than money.
What about alcoholism...
drug abuse,
the smoke, the drink?
Domestic violence?
No?
Anything?
Tomorrow will probably be...
a historical day
for your family.
How do you plan
on celebrating?
We're gonna celebrate it
the way the Andersens...
have always celebrated
for generations.
We're having a family...
- Cookout!
- Cookout!
Well, that's all
our time for now.
Todd, Mr. And Mrs.
Andersen, thank you.
And good luck
tomorrow in the draft.
For Sports Time,
I'm A.C. Charles.
And I'm Pearce Gabriel.
Good night.
- What was that?
- Who the...
You can stop
all that smiling.
The camera's off.
The camera loves me, woman.
I ought to have
my own TV show.
How was I?
I didn't come off
too stiff, did I?
Sanford and JoJo.
Jojo and the Sex.
No, baby,
you were fine.
You go on up
and get some sleep.
You got a big day tomorrow.
Everybody loves JoJo.
I got it! Ah!
Who wants
to marry JoJo?
I got a perfect show
for you, JoJo.
Huh?
Jackass.
I do not care
what it takes.
There is no way he's
going to New Jersey.
Yo, dude, I know I don't have
the number-one pick...
and that's not
what this is about.
I want him taking us
to the championship...
and he can't do that
anywhere else. Is that clear?
Todd Andersen is coming
to Dallas. Are we straight?
Get his ass here.
We are in New York City...
the mecca
of professional basketball...
where legends
have been made.
Live from
Madison Square Garden...
it's the 38th annual
Professional Basketball Draft...
where the next crop
of young superstars...
led by 3-time All-American
Todd Andersen out of Rutgers...
will take that next step
into the professional ranks.
Hi, everybody. I'm Marv Albert
here on the floor...
with a couple
of the game's best-
Elton Brand and Baron Davis.
Now, Elton,
is this kid Todd Andersen...
as good as the hype...
and can he turn around
a franchise?
Well, Marv,
if New Jersey selects...
Todd Andersen with
the number-one pick...
they'll be getting a kid
with tons of potential.
Guys that are in the pros
like myself, Baron Davis...
we're excited to see
what this kid has...
and really want
to take it to him.
A candid statement
from one of the game's best.
Now, Baron, does New Jersey
keep that number-one pick...
and take Todd Andersen?
There's been a lot
of rumors circulating...
that Mark Cuban
wants to move up...
and take Todd Andersen
with the number-one pick.
And we all know that when
Mark Cuban wants something...
he usually gets it.
So I'm pretty excited
to see what happens.
Yes, it is
always interesting...
to see if Cuban's whatever-
- it-takes attitude pays off.
We're just moments away...
for the doors to swing open
for the league's future stars.
New Jersey
is on the clock.
We'll be back with that
first pick after these words.
I got to use
the bathroom again.
Will you please
just relax? Now come on.
You're gonna be fine,
all right?
Todd, no matter
what happens here today...
no matter what happens...
you're always
gonna be number one...
in me and your daddy's eyes.
You hear me?
That's right.
Whoo!
Sorry I'm late.
I had to put on my face...
in case there's any cameras
or anything.
Baby, do you like my shoes?
What do you think about them?
I think that I needed
a really nice pair of heels...
and these got the little
stiletto thing going on. Cute?
Mom... Dad...
Meet Brittany.
Mom? Dad? Oh, it is so nice
to finally meet you.
I have heard so much
about you guys.
Oh! I love your scarf.
Who is this by?
Uh, uh, honey...
Listen, this is
very odd, honey...
because we haven't heard
anything about you.
Oh. Well...
There will be
so much time...
for us to get
to know each other.
You should be
so proud of your son.
He is amazing.
He is going to be a big,
rich basketball player.
Very rich. Come on, honey.
I have some people...
I want to introduce you to, OK?
Excuse us?
Jojo? Jojo, who is she?
Where did she come from?
Where'd she come from?
Where'd she come from?
She's skankish. She's skankish!
Where did she come from?
Where did he meet her?
Oh, Lord. Oh, Lord.
OK, OK. Put the book down.
Put the book down.
Here we go.
Here we go.
Uh, please be seated.
Welcome to the National
Players Draft.
We're happy to welcome
our potential draft picks...
and their families.
Mama, get in here!
This is exciting!
Shoot!
You think cousin Todd
will introduce me...
to one of his
baller friends?
I need help with all
these daggone bills...
ever since Leon
violated his parole.
My kids ain't had
no father figure.
How you-all kids feel...
about calling
Vince Carter dad?
Let's begin with the first pick
of the 2004 draft.
New Jersey picks
Todd Andersen...
from Rutgers University.
Yes, baby!
Go ahead, cuz!
Number one, boy!
That's my boy! Oh, yeah!
Come on up here, Todd.
Aah!
All right.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Come on. Come on.
Sit down.
Number one!
I told you.
That boy's gonna be
the next Michael Jordan!
Congratulations.
Thank you.
Thank you, sir.
Got a few things
for you here.
Try this on for size.
Congratulations.
Aw, my man made it, man.
Man, cousin Todd
got drafted.
Drafted?
Damn this war!
Dog, he was gonna be
the next Dr. J, man.
Huh?
Cousin Todd. Why him?
You're stupid, man.
So anyway, a sister
comes in the room, right?
So I'm looking at the ass
like, ooh, I got two.
This is, like,
a manage or something...
about to jump off here.
You know Bling. I'm about
to get it popping. So-
Hey, yo, Bling!
Bling, isn't that
your boy Todd?
Didn't he take your spot
when you had whooping cough?
I didn't say
whooping cough, man.
I said I whooped his ass,
and he stole my glory.
Yo, his pockets is about to be
really swollen right now.
He's gonna be able
to buy a house.
He's gonna be able
to buy some new timbs.
He's gonna be able
to buy a Timex.
He's gonna be able to buy
an 8-track like mine.
He's gonna be able to buy
a thousand-pack Annihilators.
Yo, listen, listen.
I got an idea.
I heard that a pair
of Lebron James sneakers...
went for 3 g's on Ebay.
Alls we got to do...
is get a pair of
sneakers to Todd-
Forget that.
We're gonna take...
a bunch of sneakers
to Todd...
get him to sign them...
then we're gonna
put it on Ebay...
get phat money.
You understand what
I'm saying now?
Yeah. You think
he'll do it?
Do I think he'll do it?
He better do it...
unless he wants this
gat in his mouth.
You said...
You said gat or gut?
Come on, man.
I let my moms
hold it today, man.
Let's go.
That boy's gonna be
the next Michael Jordan.
That's right, Pop.
That's it!
If you had spent
a little more time...
working with your son
on his jump shot...
maybe he could have been
the next Michael Jordan.
Ma, come on. Relax, Ma.
I just want to be a doctor.
A doctor?
Boy, doctors
don't make no money...
unless they're on E.R.
OK, super.
Todd, I can get you
$5 million...
if you tattoo
a peacock logo...
to the back
of your head.
Damn.
I'm not tattooing
no peacock...
on the back
of my head, man.
Right, right.
That's a bad idea.
Nonetheless,
with the team contract...
and other potential
future endorsements...
you're gonna be in the 40
to $50 million neighborhood.
Is that gross or net?
Where did you come from?
Have we met?
Is she with us?
Anyway, you're gonna be able
to have more things...
than you have ever
dreamed of!
And you're gonna be able...
to give back
to the community...
and you're gonna be able
to help your parents...
just like we always
talked about.
I love this kid!
Mr...
Reilly.
Yes. Excuse me.
It's good to know
that even though Todd...
is getting
his $30 million contract...
he won't forget about
his family values.
That right?
Don't go changing
on us, baby.
I want you to be smart
with your money.
Come here. You got
something on your face.
Yeah, Mama can get rid
of any blemish.
Look, don't worry, Ma.
All I want to do is
take care of the family.
I won't change.
Hey, Jamal,
what up, baby?
Oh, sh...
Aw, man.
Choke!
Baby T got
his first ride.
You only got drafted
two days ago...
and you ran out
and bought that?
Come on.
With a DVD player
and a video game?
Man, get in the car, man.
What's wrong with you, man?
Let's get out of here, man.
My cuz in his
first ride, man.
What's up, boy?
Yo, what's up, cuz?
So I'm telling Todd,
I'm, like, listen.
You see this here?
This is no good.
This will never work.
See this...
This is no good for the shot,
no good for the shot.
What you got to do is...
you got to have them
like this.
You got to spread
your fingers...
so you get that good
rotation on the ball.
I taught him all that
right here on this court...
and look where it got him.
Ah, stop gaming.
You know Todd Andersen?
What do you think
I'm sitting here telling you?
I taught him
everything he knows...
right here on this court.
Todd learned from me-
Bling, baby.
Yo, Wheeze, tell them
how me and Todd go back...
like cornrows, man.
So, what's next, cuz?
You gonna get
a crib in Mount Claire?
Nah, I ain't
trying to do that.
I'm trying to stay here
with my peoples.
This is where I belong.
This is where they want me.
Break, break!
Yo, we got next.
Todd Andersen.
What's a rich boy like you
doing around here, man...
trying to play ball with
his hood brothers, man?
Come on. Whatever, man.
It ain't even like that.
I'm just trying to play
ball with my homeys.
We already got a team, baby.
Some real street ballers, baby.
Nah, nah. Let him play.
Let him play.
He thinks he's the man, trying
to come out here and show off.
Needs to be taught a lesson.
Yo, chill. Why y'all
tripping, man?
We're just trying
to play ball.
Y'all know me. I've been playing
ball here my whole life.
You know what?
I'm tripping, right?
Yo, "D" up, man.
$30 million man.
That's what
I'm talking about.
Let's do it, baby. Whatever.
Yo, get over there, man.
Look. Hey.
I need the sneaks.
Yo. Give me your sneakers.
I ain't giving you jack.
What did you say?
Give me your sneakers
right now.
And that goes for all y'all.
Run your sneaks right now.
All right, all right.
My plan's about
to take effect.
Get these sneakers.
Get that.
You got it? You got it?
You got that, Wheeze?
All right, remember
what I taught you now.
Spread your fingers.
You could be something.
Give it to them.
Let's go, boys.
I'm taking your bet!
Give it to him.
Give it to him.
Here, boy.
I know you got me.
I know you got me.
We'll take that.
Your money's good.
Let's go.
Let's go, boys.
What's good?
That's what
I'm talking about.
That's what I'm
talking about!
Play some "D."
I know you got me.
I'm talking.
Yo! Hold up!
Yo! What are you
doing, man?
You can't foul me
like that!
What, baby? What?
What?
Keep walking!
We're the real warriors!
You go play ball with
those pimpin' punks!
And leave your ghetto pass
on the way out!
I swear. I never
been no sucker, man.
So what, man? Let's go.
Yo, Todd Andersen.
My main man.
Holler at your boy.
It's Bling, baby.
Wait. Did he just hit me
with the head nod?
Yeah.
He didn't just hit me
with the head nod?
He straight dissed you.
I told y'all he didn't
know Todd Andersen.
Can we have
our sneakers back?
They're my sneakers now.
Get the sneakers, Wheeze.
Yeah. The sneakers.
Good evening, Madam.
A spot of tea?
Jojo!
What's wrong, baby?
Jojo, what's this white man
doing in my house?
Jeeves? Hey, he's
a gift from Todd.
And that's not all.
Come see.
What the hell?
And he got us
a large-screen TV...
with surround sound
and a picture in a picture.
Hey, I can watch
Sanford and Son...
and Todd play ball
at the same time.
What is that smell?
Neck bones
and collard greens...
per Mr. Andersen's request.
May I be of service
to you, Madam?
Madam?
You don't know me.
My name is Emma...
Lady Em,
or Mrs. Andersen, OK?
You just stay out
of my way.
And most importantly,
stay out of my kitchen!
I don't know about...
no neck bones
and collard greens.
As you wish,
Madam Lady Em.
God, this is insane.
And why is it
so cold in here?
Hey, our brand-new
industrial air conditioner.
Hey, Emma, we don't
have to ever stick...
to the plastic
on the furniture again.
Mr. Jojo, sir.
Whoa!
Neck bones and collard
greens are served.
Thank you, Jeeves.
Just find me
some hot sauce...
and I'll be with you
in a second.
Tabasco
or Red Rooster, sir?
Well, how about
a pinch of each?
Yes, sir.
Well... ha ha ha!
A pinch of each.
These are my flowers.
These are mine.
These are my flowers.
They're my flowers.
This is my house!
My house!
This is great.
I'll take it.
I'll take it.
I'll take it.
This is so exciting!
Your parents are gonna
love this house.
They're gonna be so happy
that you're finally moving out.
Yes! Whoo!
Yeah. I'm sure
my mom's gonna be ecstatic...
about me moving out.
Ha! There's my boy!
Up! Aah!
Damn, you got big.
Hey, look, thanks
for the Jacob, Big Pimpin'.
No problem, Dad.
And how are you, love?
Oh, I'm fine. How are you?
Did Todd tell you
about the house?
What house?
Oh. Well, Todd got, um...
us a house.
It's beautiful.
Jojo, this is
going too fast.
No, no, no.
Now, JoJo.
It's going too fast for me.
This is all going
too fast for me!
Baby, the boy is grown.
We knew this was
gonna happen.
And besides, you wouldn't want
one of them hoods out there...
taking a shot at him
out of jealousy, right?
Uh-uh. Uh-uh. Hey, hey.
Wait a minute. Wait here.
Come off him.
Go in there. Go in there.
I need to talk to you.
Ah... God.
I don't know, man.
Son, you need
to slow down.
What? You don't like
all the gifts?
That's not the point.
I'm concerned...
about how you're
spending your money.
Mama, I'm gonna be fine.
I just got off
the phone with Wes.
He said I'll be worth
more than $50 million...
when my contract goes through
and the season starts.
"When. "
Don't you mean "if"?
What if you break a leg?
You think it's gonna
be all good then?
And what's this girl...
talking about
"Bought us a house"?
That girl ain't your wife.
I don't think
she meant it like that.
Yeah. Well, what exactly
did she mean by "us"?
You planning on
marrying that girl?
I don't... I don't know.
It's all good.
We... we...
We just like...
We kickin' it, like...
Kickin' it.
What's "kickin' it" mean?
Your daddy and I have
been married 25 years.
We ain't never kicked it.
So, what you
want me to do, Ma?
You do what
you want to do.
You're a grown man.
I just wanted to go
on record saying...
that I don't like it.
Come on, Ma.
Mommy, you're still
my number-one lady.
That's never gonna change.
Don't come over here
with all that.
Ma, come on.
OK, look, look.
Let me make it up to you.
Why don't you decorate
my new house?
Come on. Please. Please.
Now, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
That's an idea.
OK. You know
what I'm saying?
Just do it
the way you do it.
You know how you do, Ma.
Come on, Ma.
I don't want that nasty girl
hanging around up there.
All right. Come here.
Ha ha. With your
big old self.
Ah, I love you, Mommy.
I love you, too, baby.
What did I tell you
about coming around here? Huh?
I told you,
don't come around here...
breaking the rules, right?
I mean, can't you read?
The sign says...
"No soliciting," OK?
Now, go and sell your cookies
somewhere else.
What is with these kids?
They push me. They push me.
Wait.
What you got?
Slim mints right there?
Let me get a box
of them slim mints.
All right. Go. Go on.
Get the hell out of here.
I don't want
to catch you around here...
till you come back
with some shortbreads.
Scourge of the nation.
Uh-uh. What?
Hey! Hey, wait!
Come back here!
Come back here!
Don't make me break the glass.
What is this, son-
a hotel or a house?
A house. A house.
But it has 7 bedrooms
and 10 bathrooms! Whoo!
10 bathrooms?
Why you need 10 bathrooms?
You only got one ass.
- Jojo.
- Sorry.
Todd, honey, you sure
this is the house for you?
I mean, maybe you need
to look a little longer...
find something a little closer
to your parents.
No, no, no. This is it.
This is right.
This is so right.
Come on.
Let's go inside.
Let's look
at it. Come on!
Hey, hey, hey!
What you got, champ?
Come on. Ow! Ow! OK.
Not the face.
Not the face.
Oh, my. Come on.
Come on, Guinevere.
Come on!
Ah! Ah!
Honey! Call Security!
I just saw some Negroes!
What did you say?
I said I just
saw a gang...
You know... yo!
Of Negroes
across the street.
Negroes?
Yes!
And I think they were
hurting a white man.
Good Lord. I'll call
Security at once.
Hold me, Holstead.
Hold me.
Security.
Hold me.
Oh, yes, Judge Crowley.
I understand completely.
I am on it.
I'm on it.
I'll take care of it.
Nope, don't worry about a thing.
All right.
Damn it.
Take care of my baby
first, though.
First got to take care
of my baby.
Ha ha ha!
Hey, this is nice!
Whoo! Damn.
This is big!
Whoo! Hey!
I know where we're gonna be
having our next cookout.
Jojo, come on now.
The boy just
moved in here.
Come on now.
It's cool, Ma.
This house is for all of us.
Having the cookout here
would be a great idea.
Matter of fact,
let's have it this Saturday.
Excu-excuse me.
Is that a purple diamond?
Oh. Why, yes, it is.
You guys like?
It's something that me
and Todd picked up.
Oh, you guys, look.
I have matching
earrings, too.
Oh, yeah. Yeah,
they're really nice.
Todd, come on.
We got to talk.
OK. Ma, look, you're
in charge, right?
Do your thing.
The tip from the Crowleys
was correct.
I have a visual
on the suspects.
What are you doing?
What do you mean,
what am I doing?
This house, the cars,
the jewelry, the Brittany.
You can't afford
any of this stuff.
Wes, Wes, Wes, Wes.
I just got
$30 million, man.
I'm rich!
It's $30 million...
but it's $30 million
spread over 6 years.
You haven't even gotten
a paycheck yet.
The season doesn't start
for another three months.
Hey, I am not fronting you
the cash for this stuff, OK?
Ha ha. Wes, why are
you bugging, man?
Let me enjoy the moment.
Enjoy the moment,
but return this crap.
Yeah. At least until...
I can officially lock in
some endorsements for you.
People just saw me
on national TV...
getting drafted
the other day.
Now they're supposed
to see me returning...
thousands of dollars'
worth of stuff...
like I smoked up
all my money?
I'm not a crackhead, Wes.
You need to get me some
endorsements or something.
All right, I'll get them...
but just hold off
for a while, OK?
I mean, just think
about it, please.
Yo! Who that?
Excuse me.
Can I help you?
OK, OK, OK, buddy.
Just remain calm.
Just calm down.
Subject is being
belligerent.
May have to subdue
with choke hold. Request backup.
Yo, what the hell?
Are you OK, sir?
Just blink once if yes.
I'm fine. I'm fine.
Is he forcing you
to say that?
No.
I live here.
This is my house.
Yeah, right, you live here.
Negro, please.
Look, I got keys-
Hold it!
Don't! Don't!
I'll spray your ass.
Please don't spray his ass.
Lady, lady, this
is his house.
This is Todd Andersen...
New Jersey's
number-one pick.
I'll light his ass up.
Let me look at you.
Oh, that is you, huh?
Yeah.
You look younger in person.
How you doing?
Good. I'm good, actually.
Well, look here.
We don't play...
that ghetto nonsense
around here.
No chicken heads,
no hood rats...
no 40-ouncers...
no rims-on spinners...
and no loud music.
This ain't no Ludacris
video set.
And keep them ho's away.
You don't have
any chicken heads...
or ho's, do you?
Now you want to move
to your parents' house?
It's looking a lot
better, isn't it?
This is what you got to
deal with out in the...
Oh, she got the Bible.
What is this?
Garden Ridge Estates
Rules and Regulations.
All four volumes.
I suggest
you learn them.
You all right, sir?
I'm sorry to startle you.
You have a lovely day.
- You have a great day.
- Thanks for all your help.
I got my eye on you.
I still see you.
You feel safe now?
Yeah. I'm great.
Come on now. Come on.
Be careful with
them boxes now, baby.
Yo, Ma, this is dope!
You did your thing in here!
You like it, baby?
Yeah, I like it!
This is crazy!
I'm glad you like it.
Come give
your mama a kiss.
Thank you, Mommy.
Look here.
You see how your mama
put all your pictures...
under the glass?
This way, you can look
at all your pictures...
at one time.
Check this out, man.
OK, look. This is my cousin
Leroy right here, right?
He failed the bar nine times.
Still gives legal advice.
Right.
Oh, look. And there goes
Jasper and Jerome.
They are real country.
Who's this little
girl right here...
with the funny-
looking teeth?
Oh, that's
my best friend-Becky.
Yeah.
Oh, that's Becky.
And look here. Now
that's them in the tub.
Whoa. Chill.
We was just cool.
It wasn't even like that.
Yo, but I wonder if those
braces ever fixed her teeth.
You seen her?
Why? So both of you...
can take a splish-splash
in your brand-new tub?
Oh, come on, baby.
It wasn't even like that.
Stop. Stop. Come on.
Come on now. That's
enough of all of that.
Come on. We're going
to see the bedroom.
You, come on.
My old bedroom set!
Oh!
Your mother thought
it might help ease...
your transition from moving
out of the house.
Thank you, Mom.
Oh, look.
Little kiddie,
sporty...
Bed sheets. Yay!
Ain't they the bomb?
Maybe we can just wear...
the matching little kiddie
pajamas with it, too.
I'd rather be dead
than sleep in this.
Hello.
Hey, honey.
Is Todd there?
Todd.
Todd.
Todd, get up!
What? What?
The phone is for you.
What's... hello.
Hey, Todd. It's me-Wes.
You awake, buddy?
I got some good news.
Come on. Get your butt
out of bed.
What's up, man?
Cynthia Peters, the head
of Stone Mountain Wireless,
is interested in meeting you
for an endorsement.
For real?
Yes! She wants
to meet you A.S.A.P.
What? Are you too busy?
No, no, no, no.
I'm available.
I can do it.
Are you serious?
Yes, I'm serious!
I'm gonna have her come
by your house Saturday morning.
Yo, listen, man.
Whenever she can do it...
I'm here. Just do it.
We'll do the meeting...
first thing Saturday morning
with Ms. Peters.
Then you'll have the rest
of the afternoon...
for the cookout
with your parents.
Talk to you later.
I'll see you Saturday.
You're rich! You're rich!
OK, bye. Bye.
Baby, that was Wes.
Stone Mountain Wireless...
is considering me
as a spokesperson...
for their family
time campaign.
Oh, man!
Whoo! One of the reps is
coming over this Saturday...
to meet me, baby.
Oh.
Yo, what did you do
with all my mom's stuff?
Oh, baby, look.
Everything that
your mom tried to do...
was really great
and everything...
but I just think that it was
a little bit too down-home...
and baby, what you need
is a hip, progressive image.
Focus. Focus.
Hey, don't worry
about the house, OK?
Ms. Peters is gonna
be here any second.
You need to sell her on you.
On you, babe.
OK, look. Whatever it takes
to get this deal.
But as soon as she leaves,
I want all this stuff...
back the way it was
before my mom gets here.
And you might want
to return this.
No! That cock cost me
a lot of money to get.
You've got a giant cock
in your kitchen.
It's ridiculous.
Baby.
I miss you.
I miss you more.
Lil Dee?
Who the hell is Lil Dee?
What's good, chief?
What was that-
Public Enemy?
Are you addressing me,
young man?
If you are, it is
Judge Holstead Crowley...
not chief.
Hey, man,
I'm Todd Andersen...
your new neighbor.
Good to see...
another brother in
the neighborhood, man.
Brother?
You're not any
relations of mine.
O... K.
I just wanted
to come over here...
and invite you
to a cookout.
Thank you for the invitation,
but I will not be coming...
to your... cookout.
And keep it down.
It's one thing for you
to call me out my name.
It's a whole nother thing...
for you to call me
some other trick's name.
Don't make me break the glass.
I got to go.
I'll deal with you later.
Hey! Yo! Hey! Hey!
Whoa! Stop!
I'll do the talking, man.
Do I look good?
You look phat.
Step out of the car.
Step out of the car?
I'm not stepping
out of the car.
You're a rent-a-cop,
fool. Ha ha!
A rent-a-cop?
Yeah.
I'll have you know
I passed...
the marksmanship exam
with a perfect score.
I passed the physical
endurance test...
in record time.
And I passed
the written test...
in the top
first percentile.
That's all the way
at the top, OK?
Now, just because
I wasn't able...
to pass some
psychological exam...
don't mean I don't
have no authority.
I'll break the glass
on your ass.
She crazy.
Next time,
at the gate, OK?
Yeah. How stupid.
Don't just
drive through. Stop.
Carry your dumb asses on.
Man, let's get
to cousin Todd's house, man.
Hey, what are
you guys making?
We do not "make. "
Ham-fisted
day labowers make.
Labow-whats?
Labowers. The workers.
We are artists, yes?
We-poof!- create.
They create.
OK. So, what are
you creating?
Please.
What the heck
is a labower?
I don't know.
Just focus, OK?
Ms. Peters is-
Is here.
Look. Just be cool,
be yourself.
If you feel like
you're losing her...
tell her some sob story
about how hard life was...
growing up in the hood.
White liberals love
"the poor kid...
from the ghetto
doing good" rap...
even though Iverson
almost killed it.
All right, relax, smile,
look pretty.
Hello, Ms. Peters.
Come on in.
Ms. Peters, it is so nice
to finally meet you.
The pleasure
is all mine.
I must say...
you have a lovely home,
and I especially like...
the way you've
decorated it.
Thank you.
You were talking
to Todd. Ha ha.
Wes Reilly.
Come on in.
Let's get you
a nice cool beverage, OK?
Did someone just ask
where their bitches are?
What's crackin',
lackey cousin?
Willie, Nelson...
what the hell
are you doing here?
Saturday. We came
for the cookout.
No, no, no, no, no.
Yo, man, where
the grubbles at?
We got the munchies
like a mug, man.
Look, man, forget it.
You don't mind, do you?
No. Go right ahead.
Check this out, baby.
Just like... mmm.
That just tastes,
like, good.
Now, that is good.
Like a nice piece
of white bread. Mmm!
With a little bit
of butter on it.
OK, Wes, we've got to
reschedule this meeting.
Not gonna happen.
Their new ad campaign
is starting this week.
We've got to
lock you in today.
No, no, no. I don't think
you quite understand.
This is just the beginning.
Todd's family is like the
black Beverly Hillbillies.
So unless she's
trying to sell...
pig lips
and some gold teeth...
she's not gonna want him.
You sure you don't
want none of this?
No, no. Really, I'm...
Willie, Nelson...
why don't you come
outside with me?
I want to show you something.
You ain't got to
ask me twice.
Just follow me.
And get up.
All rightie, then.
So, Ms. Peters-
no need
for small talk, OK?
Todd is good-looking.
He's charming. He's likable.
He could sell an ice cube
to an eskimo.
I'm sure he can...
but we're not looking
for a salesman.
What we need is
a young, enthusiastic-
I see Todd done
made some changes.
Yeah. Well, it was all
my idea for the style...
but I just wanted to really
capture Todd's tastes.
Oh, hold up, you guys.
Now, I'm the tour.
Congratulations
on all your new taste.
Mom, I'd like you
to meet Ms. Peters.
Ms. Peters
is considering me...
as a spokesperson
for Stone Mountain phones.
Yes.
Nice to meet you,
Ms. Peters.
You're gonna love Todd.
He's quite the actor.
Even if he doesn't
like something...
you'll think he does.
Hey, guess who we
must have talked up.
Becky.
She stopped me
in the grocery store.
I invited her
to the cookout.
Oh, great. I can't
wait to see her.
Good! Good! Becky's coming!
More visitors! Fantastic!
How does she look?
Did the braces
do anything for her?
You'll see
when she gets here.
You guys are staying
for the cookout, right?
We're having
a cookout today.
Excuse me. I got to get
that grill running.
And this is our-
I mean Todd's garage.
What do you guys think?
Wouldn't mind
parking in that...
every day
of the week. Man!
You thinking
what I'm thinking?
Is that Todd's bedroom set?
Um... that's the old one.
You see,
we got a new one.
You know, this
endorsement is just...
really important
for Todd and I...
and we just
wanted to make sure...
that we made a good
impression on Ms. Peters.
Brittany, listen, honey.
How would you like
to be a big hit...
with the family
at the cookout?
Really?
No, no, no.
A really big hit.
Goody! A project?
Well, what can I do?
OK. I want you to run
up to Teaneck...
and get me a ham
for my greens.
Will you do that for me?
Isn't Teaneck
like an hour away?
Yeah, that's
an hour away...
but that ham
is Todd's favorite.
And listen here.
If you go up there...
and get that now...
Todd might buy you
something special.
You think so?
I know he will.
Thank you, Auntie Em.
Anything that you say.
This means so much to me.
You don't even know.
The rooms are upstairs.
Pool's out back.
Make yourselves at home.
And tell Todd
I'll be right back.
Uh-huh. All right.
All right.
Thank you.
Yeah, you go ahead on now.
Dumb-ass.
Doggie.
I see you, doggie.
Pretty doggie.
You are pretty, doggie.
I love you, doggie.
Yo! Get your ass up
off the floor!
Huh?
Get up!
Can I help you fellas?
As a matter of fact,
you can.
Let me get these
cakes and, um...
everything in the register!
I want cash, coins...
food stamps,
everything, man.
Hey, yo, Bling.
Your man is
all over the place.
Not right now, Wheeze.
I'm in the middle
of something.
It's a nice picture
of him, too.
Let me see this.
Mr. Big Shot.
Yeah. This is good.
Where can I find
this house right here?
Does anybody know
where Todd keeps his lard?
Lard?
Oh, my God.
Oh, I feel dizzy.
Olivier, my temples-
rub them vigorously.
See what you have done?
What are you doing?
You know, I don't know
who you think you are-
Who I am?
You tell her who I am.
OK. He is Sven from Prague...
internationally
renowned master chef-
mein chefmeister-
child prodigy...
graduate of Le Cordon Bleu...
at age nine.
Now, he is fluent in the
cuisine of over 100 nations...
and known in
the culinary world...
as the Picasso of pate...
the Van Gogh of veal...
and the Michelangelo of meat.
Van hock.
And this is
Lady Em of Newark.
She has been
cleaning chitterlings...
since she was six...
and she is known
throughout the hood...
as the Patti Labelle
of pork...
the Billie Holiday
of hot links...
the Aretha Franklin
of fried chicken.
I cannot work like this!
Olivier...
Dramatic exit.
Wait. Wait. Where
are you guys going?
Sven cannot work
under these conditions!
What conditions?
The woman in the kitchen...
the Patti Labelle of pork-
she is the Coolio
of canned meat.
I'm gonna go talk to her
right now, and it'll be fine.
You guys, please,
please don't leave.
Oh, quickly, go.
Thank you.
This cousin Todd's house?
How y'all doing?
What's up, cousin Todd?
Jasper, Jerome, why? Why?
Here's your ham.
What happened?
Baby, Sven and Olivier left.
They were supposed to cook
brunch for Ms. Peters.
What am I
supposed to do now?
Look, I raised you and half
your cousins on my cooking.
Now, if it's good
enough for them...
it's good enough for her.
Now, y'all get
that animal outside...
and skin him. Go ahead.
You're dropping brain
all over the floor.
Yes, ma'am.
That's our homemade
slip-n-slide.
Pick him up.
Homemade slip-n-slide.
Uh, Brittany.
Yes?
Low-sodium ham?
What's this, baby?
It's healthier ham,
and it's better for Todd...
because he needs
to stay in shape.
Do you know what
a healthy cookout is?
No, no, no. Don't
answer that question.
Because there's
no such thing...
as a healthy cookout.
Look around this counter.
You see anything healthy?
Look at this.
Chitterlings-sodium.
Macaroni and cheese-
sodium.
Greens-sodium,
black-eyed peas-sodium...
potato salad-sodium.
Sodium, sodium,
sodium! OK?
And as for Todd...
that boy's eaten
so much sodium...
he could crap a salt lick.
Didn't keep him out of
the pros, now did it?
Little Brittany,
I need a ham.
And I want that ham
to be... what?
Sodium.
With sodium.
OK.
Good girl.
Excuse me.
May I have a glass of-
Ms. Peters!
Help me, Jesus.
Quick now. And don't forget
my cast-iron pot...
because Lady Em gonna try
to outdo my cornbread...
as if she could.
Come on, Ma.
Why does everything...
between you and Auntie Em
have to be a competition?
Honey, there is
no competition...
because I'm better
than she is.
Now get in the house.
Frank, shake a tailfeather.
Give me a hand, Grandpa?
Nope. My hands are
already filled, son.
Ho. Ho. Ho.
Stop right there.
Stop, you, right there.
Look, cut the engine off...
but don't turn off that record.
That's my jam.
Yo, I'm here
to see Todd Andersen.
Oh, no, I don't
think so. He's over.
He's over? What you mean?
He lives here, don't he?
Well, see, regulation 42-B,
subsection 6, clearly states...
that residents are allowed
a limited number of visitors.
You mean to tell me I can't
even see my own cousin?
That's exactly
what I'm saying.
All right, you know what?
Listen up, rent-a-cop.
You don't even have a gun.
You have a flashlight,
all right?
I didn't drive all the way
up here for nothing.
You see these babies
in this car?
They needs a daddy.
A... baller. Swoosh.
So what I'm gonna
need you to do
is run on over to that little
phone booth over there...
pick up that phone,
call my cousin Todd...
and tell him Lil Dee
is at the gate.
Wait. Hold up.
Did you say Lil Dee?
Yes, I did.
Do you know
Marquis Fontaineau?
Light skin
with the good hair?
Yeah, I know him.
You know my daddy?
Aw, hell, no!
Let's roll.
Marquis, I thought you said
you didn't know Lil Dee.
I met her. I seen her.
I seen your damn baby.
I could be wrong,
but I think you're...
getting a little heavy
up on the family.
I mean, a few adds charm...
but this is
starting to look...
like a rerun of Good Times.
Mama couldn't make it.
You know,
her rheumatoid arthritis...
started flaring up
in that left elbow.
So I had to give her
an icy-hot patch.
She said she'd
see you next time.
I told you
to reschedule it, man.
Just go handle Ms. Peters.
I'll take care of this.
All right. All right.
Daddy! Daddy!
Daddy! Daddy!
Um, Todd, do you
want to do something...
about these
little kids here?
I'm not your daddy. No.
Come here!
Nobody knows who
your daddies are.
Now, what do you
call these again?
Chitterlings.
And a cookout...
ain't a cookout
without them.
I hate to ask, but what
exactly is a cookout?
Well, it's when
the family gets together.
You see them out there?
We get together.
We dance.
We grill meat.
We share gossip.
We sing. We can play
dominoes, cards.
We have a good time.
The three f's-
fun...
food...
family.
That ain't right.
Leroy, use a coaster, man.
You're messing up my table.
You left it out here
for public use.
The law says that's
an assumed risk.
You need to stop fronting
like you're a real lawyer...
and pass the bar. Do that.
A real lawyer.
Hey, I know more
than any real lawyer.
I took the bar 15 times.
They only took it once.
Do you know how much
you learn about the law...
when you take it over
and over and over?
Huh? Jojo, when is
that food gonna be ready?
I'm starving.
Aw, man, nice place
Todd got here.
Sure is. Mm-hmm.
I mean, look at the trees.
You know, I planted
a tree once.
Never could get it to grow.
Hey... grass.
I could never get
my lawn this nice.
That's because you're black.
What? I got racist grass?
No. The water company-
they pump low-grade water...
into the black neighborhoods.
That's why you
never see nice lawns...
in black communities.
What the hell
is low-grade water?
Is it possible, Leroy...
that people in the hood, they
can't afford landscapers...
and they save money
on the water...
so they don't water
their lawn as much?
That's what the man
wants you to think.
How far away are we?
You go south
by my thumb...
and you make a right
at my pinkie...
and you go two inches.
Oh, wait. Oh, wait.
I got it upside-down.
This just don't
make no sense.
Give me the damn map.
Let me see.
I got it, Bling.
Wheeze! Wheeze!
I got it! I got it!
Let go!
What you doing, man?
Watch out for the cat.
So she got mad at me...
and she's gonna...
Shut the hell up.
Look what you made
me do to my car!
Sorry.
If my arm wasn't
numb right now...
I'd knock your head off.
You're confusing me here.
Which way is south?
Hey.
Look at the kitty.
That's a rare species.
Hey, kitty, kitty, kitty.
Hey, kitty, kitty,
kitty, kitty, kitty.
Hey, kitty, kitty-
What the hell
are you doing?
What the hell
are you doing, man?
What happened?
I think he just
farted on me.
What are you talking-
Fool! Get
them sneakers, man!
We're running out
of time over here.
My baby.
Hurry up, man.
You smell that?
What the hell
is that smell?
It's probably these
stinky-ass sneakers...
you got me
lugging around.
Man, them sneakers
are gonna get us paid.
Man, walk over there, man.
Them sneakers stink.
Look. Right.
Well, give me a leg up.
OK.
Here.
Ready?
Do you see anything?
They're turning
our community...
into a trailer park
in the projects.
Hey! Y'all the neighbors?
Well, come on over
to the cookout.
- No.
- Mmm-mm.
No, come on! Come on!
Eileen...
I'm coming for you.
Wait! Guinevere!
Good afternoon, sir.
How may I help you?
That's my wife.
Jeeves, let him in.
You must be Holstead.
Come on in and join us.
I'm Lady Em.
You can call me Emma.
And this is Lil Dee.
Hey.
And these are her children.
This is Sonny Ray,
Little Ray, D.J...
Sonny D., D.Q.R.S.,
Whatever.
So many of you.
It's so hot in here.
Here's your ham, with all
the salt and the fat...
and the artery-clogging
goodness that you love.
And now my dress
smells like ham.
So excuse me.
Oh, honey.
This is a boneless ham.
Yes. Yes. That is
a boneless ham.
Oh, honey, it's the bone...
that gives the ham
the flavor.
This will never do.
You're kidding, right?
No, I'm not kidding.
Now listen.
You wouldn't want
Todd to lose this deal...
because of the wrong ham
now, would you? Ha ha.
No, I wouldn't.
No, I didn't think so.
Now listen, sweetie.
About 25 miles
down the road there...
there's a good butcher.
Get you a good ham,
all right?
Mm-hmm. All right?
Now, I'm not quite sure...
I understand what
you're getting at.
OK, lady, let me
break it down...
for you, all right?
If a black cat
crosses your path...
that means what?
Seven years bad luck,
right? All right.
Now, what's slang
for a dude? A cat.
So ergo, i. e.,
I am a black cat.
So if I cross your path,
you subliminally think...
that you're gonna
get bad luck.
That is why
my wife left me...
because I'm black.
Is he serious?
Oh, yeah. See,
at every family cookout...
we get caught up
on each other's lives...
no matter how sad they are.
Subliminal messages-
they're all around us.
You know, like in sports.
Like hockey. Why is there
a bunch of white guys...
smacking a black puck
around the ice?
Why can't the puck
be white?
Well, being in
sports management...
I'd venture to say
that on ice...
a white puck might
be difficult to see.
I'd expect you to say that.
Wait a minute, Leroy.
What about golf?
I mean, the ball is white.
Yeah. You know,
you're right.
And I thought about that.
In golf, you
got to do what?
Get that white ball
in the hole.
Where's the hole?
On the green.
Green. "Fertility. "
You see what I'm
getting at here?
Where's that hole?
In the earth.
Mother earth.
"Hi, mommy. " Yeah.
White guys trying to get...
their white balls
in mother earth...
symbolizing how they
want to rape the planet.
I should write a book, man.
"That ham has
too much salt in it.
"No, that ham
has too much bone in it.
No, that ham has
too much pork in it. "
Keep it together.
Now, what you're
gonna do is...
you're gonna go get
the damn ham for her...
and once all these ghetto hood
rats are out of my house...
we're gonna get it fumigated.
Then I will have Todd
all to myself.
What's up, gold digger?
Excuse me...
but I am not in the mood.
You know what?
I'm not even mad.
Game recognize game, honey.
Game recognizes game?
Let me tell you something.
Your game is not up to par
with my game.
What is it,
like, five or six...
Lil Dee-Dees I see
running around here?
And that old-ass
Scooby Doo van...
that you've been
driving around.
Yeah. I seen it.
Now, I drive a brand-new
Mercedes-Benz.
And this is my mansion.
That's all
fine and dandy...
but I catch your
little trifling tail...
trying to play
my cousin...
and I'll cut your ass.
Oh, and by the way...
that tired little dress
you're trying to rock...
we all know
that ain't real.
Pocahontas just
trying to front...
acting like she got
Indian in her family.
Little bit Cherokee.
Cherokee?
Let me tell you something.
You need not worry
about your cousin...
because your cousin
is my problem.
I'm gonna take real
good care of him.
What you need to do
is stop looking...
for your babies' daddies
down at the parole office.
And you, little
ghetto bird...
need to invest
in a diaphragm.
Lookie here, Bling.
Look what we have here.
You fellas need a lift?
Hell, yeah. Come on, Wheeze.
Let's get in.
You know, I don't mind
picking you boys up...
because I know
how it can be.
Right on.
I'm in the horseshit
consignment business...
a manure broker,
if you don't mind.
Basically, I go around
to all the ranches...
I scoop up
the horseshit...
and I sell it to all the
farmers and the landscapers.
This stuff right here.
And if my truck
breaks down...
let me tell you, God...
nobody's gonna
pick up this guy...
because I stink of shit.
You want some?
No.
Good. You OK?
Now, let me
tell you something.
There's a demand
for good-quality shit.
I tell the farmers...
make sure
you feed your horses...
a well-balanced diet.
Any doctor
will tell you...
if you put
good stuff in...
good stuff is definitely
gonna come out.
That's it! Stop the car!
Stop the car!
And don't say
shit else about shit!
Come on, Wheeze!
Get the hell out of here!
Hey.
Dee, you need
to check your kids.
They're scratching up my stairs.
Look at this.
Oh, man, we can't
do nothing over here.
I shouldn't have
never came here.
I should have went
to Lebron James' house.
I know that's right.
Disrespectful.
Boy, you worry
too damn much.
All this running-around
they doing...
they're gonna start dropping
like flies in a minute.
Just chill.
I tried telling her, Todd...
but you know, some people
are just uncivilized.
Leroy, Leroy, look what they did
to my damn bat.
It's my bat!
I'm coming to get you!
I'm gonna get you!
Grandpa!
Aunt Nettie, could you please
keep these kids out of here?
My agent and I are trying
to do some business.
OK.
Please. Just...
Calm down, honey.
Agent.
Check.
Good job.
Jamal! Jamal! Jamal!
Todd's agent is here, and baby,
if he sees you play...
I know we can get
a contract...
maybe even bigger
than Todd's.
Mom, look. I got
checkmate in one move.
And how many times
I got to tell you?
I'm not trying
to play pro ball.
Well, you just
check that, baby.
Now, I want you
to get dressed now!
No excuses!
Nettie, now Jamal has
a life of his own...
that doesn't include
pro basketball.
We didn't come here
for a tryout.
We came here for a cookout.
When's that food
gonna be ready?
Quiet, Frank!
If you'd spent more time
teaching your son how to play...
instead of feeding
your face...
I wouldn't even have
to be doing this!
Mama's gonna get
her baby a contract...
whether he
wants one or not!
You, go get
your sweats on!
Now!
The boy ain't even
got a hoop.
Nice and quiet.
Away from all the insanity.
Have a seat.
We are so sorry about
all the distractions.
I assure you,
this family gathering...
was a complete
scheduling mishap.
It's OK.
I'm rather
enjoying myself.
Are you? It's fun, right?
Cookouts are fun.
Anyway, let's talk about
the new product launch, OK?
We know that this is very
important for your company...
and we think
that Todd would be...
absolutely perfect.
Picture it-
young rookie,
out on the road...
missing his family...
needing your service
to stay in touch with them.
God!
Stop swinging that bat!
Somebody's gonna get hurt!
Excuse me for a minute,
Ms. Peters.
I'll be right back.
Yeah, yeah.
Foul! Foul!
Y'all saw it!
It's my bat! My bat!
Grandpa, please, please,
please, not in the house.
Please, not in the house.
Rules! Rules! Rules!
Everybody always
telling kids...
and old folks what to do.
Come on, kids. Let's go.
We'll show them. Come on.
We're going outside
and poo-poo on ourselves.
Oh, God.
Ew... God.
Oh...
I love you, Uncle Todd.
I love you, too, man. Oh...
What's up?
Do you see that poodle?
Whose dog is that?
Yo, I'm gonna give
it some cookies.
Come here, girl.
Give me one, man.
Let me try. Give me one.
Here, man.
I ain't giving my cookie
to no dog, man.
You must be crazy.
OK, this is it, baby.
Take it to the hoop.
Take it to the hoop.
This is it.
Ma, you cannot be serious.
Where am I gonna play ball?
There's no basket in here.
You want a basket?
There's your basket.
"D" up, Leroy.
No easy buckets.
Well, you don't have
to worry about that...
because I'm already...
I'm up in here.
Up in here, baby.
Don't worry about it.
Come on, boy.
Show me what you got.
Come on.
Come on.
You ready for me?
Don't try to go left.
Don't go left.
I'm telling you-
Yes!
That's my boy!
That's my boy!
Did you see how he
handled that ball?
You cannot tell me that my
baby don't have game.
So, what do you think?
I think... wow.
Oh, my God. I got a call.
You don't know nothing.
My Jamal, he should be
playing in the pros!
Oh, yeah.
That's what
I'm talking about.
You think that's enough
of this in there?
Damn! What
do you want now?
Did you read the rules
and regulations?
Because I can see about
10 violations in here...
and I ain't even
up in here good.
You are way over the allowed
amount of visitors.
You're too loud.
And do I smell a grill?
Oh, no. You need a permit
to cook outdoors.
It's just a cookout.
We ain't bothering nobody!
Look, youngblood,
back the hell up.
Now, look, Mr. Andersen...
you better get
your family together...
or your time at Garden Ridge
will be over real soon.
That's it. That's it.
That's it.
Everybody get out!
After this food is done...
get a doggy bag
and get out!
Hey, man, why don't
you calm down, man?
You trippin'.
What is wrong with you? You-
Hey, you hear me talking?
Don't turn
your back on me.
Jojo.
Yeah. It's
all right, baby.
What's wrong with him?
It's all right, baby.
It's OK. It's all right.
He's gonna be all right.
What's wrong with him?
I hate to interrupt...
but have either of you
seen my dog? Guinevere.
Guinevere.
I've been looking for you.
In the house, Guinevere.
Oh, no.
Is that
what I think it is?
Yeah.
I'm shocked
at you two young men.
So am I.
We're sorry.
I weep for your generation.
In my day...
no one would consider baking
with inferior ingredients.
Take the high road,
my sons.
There's no such thing
as an... easy bake.
Light 'em up.
Light 'em up.
I can't feel
my face, man.
Ah, who would
have thought...
that a straight-laced
dude like you...
would enjoy
getting a lift? Man.
I used to like to do
a lot of things...
before I married
Mrs. Crowley-
drink malt liquor...
listen to rap music...
eat Oreo cookies.
Oh, I know that one.
If she's such
a buzz-kill then...
man, why did you marry her?
It was a good
business decision.
See, she comes from money...
and where I was raised,
money marries money.
Yeah, but them tits
is nice, too, though, huh?
What about them nipples?
She got some little raisins...
or some nice big gumdrops?
That's my wife
you're talking about.
Oh, my bad, man.
Sorry.
OK.
Gumdrops.
I knew it! I seen them
in her shirt!
You mind if I help?
Knock yourself out.
Oh! Sweet Jesus!
Hey, hey, hey.
Come on.
Let me help.
Let me help.
You'll tear
the thing up.
Is it coming out?
You can put a flower
or something over it.
A flower, Em?
Look at this.
I got to take this
back tomorrow.
$1,200?
Why'd you spend
$1,200 on a dress?
I wanted to be more
fabulous than you, OK?
Nettie, come on.
Come here.
Come on. Sit down.
God, Nettie,
come on now.
When you and me,
we were coming up...
we were tight,
we were close.
Then everything
changed. Everything.
Why?
All the while
we were growing up...
all I ever heard was how
beautiful Emma was...
and how smart Emma was.
Even now, it's like
you're the better parent.
Todd is hosting a cookout
in this castle...
and Jamal can't even get
a pro basketball tryout.
You're acting like...
this is some kind
of competition.
Jamal is top honors
in his class, Nettie.
He's damn near
a straight-A student, OK?
He could be a doctor
or a lawyer.
You ever think about that?
He could change the world.
Wow. Change the world.
Lawyers and doctors
make good money.
Hello.
This ain't no
competition, but...
they make good money.
Miss Becky Cruz.
Hey.
Hey, Lady Em.
Thanks for inviting me.
Hi, baby.
Your mother told me
I'd find you back here.
Cookout's around the back.
Just follow the cigarette burns
and the doo-doo diapers.
You don't recognize me,
do you... Doo-doo head?
Doo-doo head?
Buck teeth, braces,
glasses so thick...
I could see
into the future.
Becky?
Yo. Girl.
Hey.
Sit down. Sit down.
Sit down.
Oh, man.
Damn, girl!
You look...
What happened?
You... you did your thing.
What can I say?
After 10 years in braces...
I guess my teeth finally
decided to cooperate.
The last time
I saw you was...
the cookout that my moms
threw for me and Jamal...
before I went to Rutgers.
Yeah. I just graduated
from Spellman.
Congratulations.
Thanks. I just
moved back home.
I start at dental
school in the fall.
But enough about me.
Look at you.
You've come really far,
Doo-doo head.
Not far enough.
When moms gave word
about this cookout...
my family
started showing up...
faster than roaches
at a garbage strike.
Yo, hurry up.
What's taking you so long?
Yo, Wheeze, hurry up
so we can get out of here.
I almost got it.
Excuse me. What do you
think you're doing?
Come here and shut up.
Aah! Please don't hurt me.
Just drive the car and
nobody will get hurt...
you sexy little self.
OK, I will, but my
boyfriend's really rich.
He'll give you
anything you want.
You just get us
to Garden Ridge.
We'll worry about
your boyfriend later.
Remember about two years ago...
when you were playing
against Indiana State?
You were struggling
the whole game.
That was the worst
game I ever had.
Yeah, I think I was, like...
2 for 8 from
the free-throw line.
Your family had
these big signs up...
with your name on them...
and they stayed up
the entire game...
even when you
were on the bench.
They brought those
signs to every game.
They've always
had your back.
W- wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
So you used to
watch me play?
Don't change the subject.
But... yes.
Just because
we lost touch...
doesn't mean I didn't
check up on you.
I guess I got some
apologizing to do.
Yep.
You know, Becky...
I always, always
thought you were...
really special
to me, and, um...
it was something
I always wanted to do...
but I never
got a chance to-
I wanted to
do that earlier.
Whoo! Yes.
Come on.
Summer.
It's really summer.
Yeah. Thank you, man.
Ma, those potatoes
you made earlier was banging.
Look, Ma, the stuff
I said earlier-
I love you, too, Todd.
Come here.
I'm sorry, Mom.
I'm sorry.
Jeeves, what
are you doing?
Well, I'm giving
to-go containers...
to your guests, Sir.
Man, put those away.
People only use those
to bring food home...
after a cookout.
Oh. Very good, Sir.
Let's go. Let's go.
I put his ass in check
right quick...
just like I done you.
Plus that stupid gate arm
won't open.
Oh!
Remember, I always
loved you, baby.
Time to break the glass.
You know, I'm...
I'm trying to find...
my husband Holstead.
Have you seen
my husband Holstead?
My husband Holstead?
Excuse me!
Has anybody seen Holstead?
My husband.
Holstead!
What have you done?
What it look like?
I gave me and that bitch
some flavor.
What did I tell you about
using that kind of language...
in front of-Aah!-
language in front of her?
Have you forgotten
how sensitive she is?
Look here, woman.
Things are gonna
change around here.
I'm tired of you
putting your foot...
on the back of a brother's
neck all the time.
There it is.
Amen, brother.
Don't let her put white balls
in mother earth.
Damn straight.
I've never seen you
like this before.
I mean, you're so proud
and... sexy.
Let's... go home. Now.
Woman, what did I
just tell you?
We go home
when I say so.
All right.
Come on. Let's go.
I know that's right,
Mrs. Crowley.
You better get that.
OK, everybody,
let's say grace.
Todd, you're our host.
Lead us in prayer.
Dear Lord, thank you
for this gathering-
Sir!
A Mr. Big Pimping
Bling-Bling...
and Mr. O.G. Big Wheezer.
What's that smell?
It's the sneakers...
the funky-ass sneakers
over there.
That don't smell like feet.
It smells like ass.
Yeah.
Y'all are doing
the damn thing in here, huh?
Corn...
ham...
some chicken...
mac and cheese.
Looks like y'all don't need
no more of that.
Brittany,
what's this trash...
you done brought up
in this house?
I'm sorry. He has a gun.
But, Lady Em,
here's the ham.
It has bone in it
and everything.
Why is it that every time...
black folks get together
to have a good time...
jokers like you always seem
to mess it up?
Your kind is the reason...
good folk like Todd
leave the neighborhood.
Young man,
you're not welcome here.
Shut the hell up, lady.
Take care of them kids
back there.
That's what you
need to be doing.
Look, man, who are you?
And what the hell are you doing
in my house, man?
Don't act like
you don't know me.
I taught you
everything you know.
Now get your ass
up against the wall...
and sign them sneakers.
Hey, man.
What?
Look over there.
What's she trying...
What's she saying?
All right, Luscious.
I'll see you later.
Todd, are you in
some kind of trouble?
Pop, I don't even know
who these dudes are.
Does this sort of thing
occur frequently?
Oh, yeah. I've been
to many cookouts...
and let me tell you...
this kind of thing
happens all the time.
It's all part
of the festivities.
You might want
to hide the pearls.
I just want you to know
that Todd and his family...
are all law-abiding
citizens...
and I hope this doesn't
affect your decision...
on giving Todd
the campaign.
You might want to put
your hands back.
Hey, give me
the bat, old man.
Act scared.
It's kind of fun.
Get your hands off my wood!
This guy, he sort of
reminds me of someone.
In fact,
remember that guy...
we used to go
to school with...
the one they used to bug?
Percival ass... something.
Get your hands
off my wood, sucker!
Yeah.
Percival?
Percival Assmackey?
Shut up!
Stop laughing at me!
Shut the hell up!
Stop laughing at me!
You two, stop laughing!
Stop laughing at me!
All right. All right.
All right. All right.
Shut up!
And it's pronounced...
"Assmokee. "
It's West African!
Y'all think
this is real funny.
Why are we wasting
time with them?
I say we throw
these bums out...
and let's get to eating.
Come on!
Sit your asses down!
Unless you want me
to blow a hole...
in this $30 million
knee of yours.
No!
Brittany.
What the hell
is going on in here?
You're OK. Jamal is here.
Here you are, Sir.
Thank you.
Be careful, Jamal.
You don't know what
you're doing, sweetie.
Ma, yes, I do. I know
exactly what I'm doing.
Look, I've been trying
to tell you, I'm pre-med.
I'm going to medical
school next year.
Ooh, a doctor.
Did somebody say "doctor"?
Man, enough of this!
I'm sick of y'all!
Shut the hell up!
Wheeze, get on down here.
Get all the cash
and the jewelry.
Get these sneakers signed.
Let's get the hell out of here.
Ah! Freeze!
You don't want
none of this, boy.
That was some
great police work...
apprehending these two.
Thank you, officer.
Glad to be of service.
Yeah. You know what?
I like your attitude.
You seem way too qualified
to be a security guard.
Have you ever considered...
a career in
law enforcement?
All right, everybody!
Deejay Enuff!
Heavy Hitters!
We're about to take it
to the old school!
Let's go!
Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
Here we go!
Miss Dee,
why don't you hit me...
with some
of those digits?
I like the way
you rock, Jeeves.
I'm feeling you. Uh! Uh!
Come on. Back it up.
Your family is a trip.
Yes, they are.
- Go, Todd!
- Go, Todd!
Can I talk to you
for a second?
Oh. Ho. Uh-oh.
You're in trouble.
What are you doing
dancing with that girl?
She's not even
cuter than I am.
Who? Becky?
She's my friend.
You hurt yourself
dancing with these people...
you're not gonna get paid...
for the time that
you spend recuperating.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
"These people"?
Yeah.
Let me tell you
something. I...
Brittany...
I want to see other people.
Is it something
that I said?
It's everything you say.
It's everything you do.
I need somebody I got
more in common with...
like, somebody
I can relate to...
somebody that can
relate to me.
I can relate to you.
I can relate to you.
I can be...
street, you know.
I can be like,
"Yo, yo, G. What's up?"
You know, I can ride
or dive... thing.
You have no idea...
what I'm talking
about, do you?
No. Please.
Please, baby.
I don't...
I don't want to work...
and I don't want
to pay bills.
I don't want to...
I want the diamonds.
Please, can I keep
the Mercedes...
and the diamonds? Please.
You can keep
the diamonds.
Leave the car keys
in the house...
after you get
your stuff...
and you get out.
Thanks.
Where's the doctor at?
Whoo-hoo!
Todd, we got it!
Yeah! When do we start?
Now.
where the floods at?
Yeah, Todd, is the flood
coming this way?
Bling and Wheezer,
quit horsing around.
Get to class.
Don't listen to them.
They're stupid.
Yeah, I know.
Don't worry.
I'll always be there...
for you, Todd Andersen.
Doo-doo head.
Thanks, Becky.
Todd, how does it
feel to have...
all of the experts
picking you...
to go first
in the draft?
Broke, from bribing
all those experts.
No, no, I'm just playing.
No, seriously,
I'm honored...
that people love
my game that much.
But there will be
a lot of good players...
in the draft tomorrow...
and the first pick
could be anybody.
Now, Todd,
you were raised...
in the ghetto,
the hood...
dragged up
in the streets...
after your father
abandoned you and your mother.
My dad never left.
He's right here.
This is my dad.
No government cheese?
No welfare?
No.
My parents
worked very hard...
to pay the bills
and keep clothes on my back.
So, Mr. And Mrs. Andersen...
once Todd is selected
in the draft...
he stands
to make millions.
Do you think things will
change for your family?
We're a down-home
kind of people.
We raised Todd to know...
that family values are more
important than money.
What about alcoholism...
drug abuse,
the smoke, the drink?
Domestic violence?
No?
Anything?
Tomorrow will probably be...
a historical day
for your family.
How do you plan
on celebrating?
We're gonna celebrate it
the way the Andersens...
have always celebrated
for generations.
We're having a family...
- Cookout!
- Cookout!
Well, that's all
our time for now.
Todd, Mr. And Mrs.
Andersen, thank you.
And good luck
tomorrow in the draft.
For Sports Time,
I'm A.C. Charles.
And I'm Pearce Gabriel.
Good night.
- What was that?
- Who the...
You can stop
all that smiling.
The camera's off.
The camera loves me, woman.
I ought to have
my own TV show.
How was I?
I didn't come off
too stiff, did I?
Sanford and JoJo.
Jojo and the Sex.
No, baby,
you were fine.
You go on up
and get some sleep.
You got a big day tomorrow.
Everybody loves JoJo.
I got it! Ah!
Who wants
to marry JoJo?
I got a perfect show
for you, JoJo.
Huh?
Jackass.
I do not care
what it takes.
There is no way he's
going to New Jersey.
Yo, dude, I know I don't have
the number-one pick...
and that's not
what this is about.
I want him taking us
to the championship...
and he can't do that
anywhere else. Is that clear?
Todd Andersen is coming
to Dallas. Are we straight?
Get his ass here.
We are in New York City...
the mecca
of professional basketball...
where legends
have been made.
Live from
Madison Square Garden...
it's the 38th annual
Professional Basketball Draft...
where the next crop
of young superstars...
led by 3-time All-American
Todd Andersen out of Rutgers...
will take that next step
into the professional ranks.
Hi, everybody. I'm Marv Albert
here on the floor...
with a couple
of the game's best-
Elton Brand and Baron Davis.
Now, Elton,
is this kid Todd Andersen...
as good as the hype...
and can he turn around
a franchise?
Well, Marv,
if New Jersey selects...
Todd Andersen with
the number-one pick...
they'll be getting a kid
with tons of potential.
Guys that are in the pros
like myself, Baron Davis...
we're excited to see
what this kid has...
and really want
to take it to him.
A candid statement
from one of the game's best.
Now, Baron, does New Jersey
keep that number-one pick...
and take Todd Andersen?
There's been a lot
of rumors circulating...
that Mark Cuban
wants to move up...
and take Todd Andersen
with the number-one pick.
And we all know that when
Mark Cuban wants something...
he usually gets it.
So I'm pretty excited
to see what happens.
Yes, it is
always interesting...
to see if Cuban's whatever-
- it-takes attitude pays off.
We're just moments away...
for the doors to swing open
for the league's future stars.
New Jersey
is on the clock.
We'll be back with that
first pick after these words.
I got to use
the bathroom again.
Will you please
just relax? Now come on.
You're gonna be fine,
all right?
Todd, no matter
what happens here today...
no matter what happens...
you're always
gonna be number one...
in me and your daddy's eyes.
You hear me?
That's right.
Whoo!
Sorry I'm late.
I had to put on my face...
in case there's any cameras
or anything.
Baby, do you like my shoes?
What do you think about them?
I think that I needed
a really nice pair of heels...
and these got the little
stiletto thing going on. Cute?
Mom... Dad...
Meet Brittany.
Mom? Dad? Oh, it is so nice
to finally meet you.
I have heard so much
about you guys.
Oh! I love your scarf.
Who is this by?
Uh, uh, honey...
Listen, this is
very odd, honey...
because we haven't heard
anything about you.
Oh. Well...
There will be
so much time...
for us to get
to know each other.
You should be
so proud of your son.
He is amazing.
He is going to be a big,
rich basketball player.
Very rich. Come on, honey.
I have some people...
I want to introduce you to, OK?
Excuse us?
Jojo? Jojo, who is she?
Where did she come from?
Where'd she come from?
Where'd she come from?
She's skankish. She's skankish!
Where did she come from?
Where did he meet her?
Oh, Lord. Oh, Lord.
OK, OK. Put the book down.
Put the book down.
Here we go.
Here we go.
Uh, please be seated.
Welcome to the National
Players Draft.
We're happy to welcome
our potential draft picks...
and their families.
Mama, get in here!
This is exciting!
Shoot!
You think cousin Todd
will introduce me...
to one of his
baller friends?
I need help with all
these daggone bills...
ever since Leon
violated his parole.
My kids ain't had
no father figure.
How you-all kids feel...
about calling
Vince Carter dad?
Let's begin with the first pick
of the 2004 draft.
New Jersey picks
Todd Andersen...
from Rutgers University.
Yes, baby!
Go ahead, cuz!
Number one, boy!
That's my boy! Oh, yeah!
Come on up here, Todd.
Aah!
All right.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Come on. Come on.
Sit down.
Number one!
I told you.
That boy's gonna be
the next Michael Jordan!
Congratulations.
Thank you.
Thank you, sir.
Got a few things
for you here.
Try this on for size.
Congratulations.
Aw, my man made it, man.
Man, cousin Todd
got drafted.
Drafted?
Damn this war!
Dog, he was gonna be
the next Dr. J, man.
Huh?
Cousin Todd. Why him?
You're stupid, man.
So anyway, a sister
comes in the room, right?
So I'm looking at the ass
like, ooh, I got two.
This is, like,
a manage or something...
about to jump off here.
You know Bling. I'm about
to get it popping. So-
Hey, yo, Bling!
Bling, isn't that
your boy Todd?
Didn't he take your spot
when you had whooping cough?
I didn't say
whooping cough, man.
I said I whooped his ass,
and he stole my glory.
Yo, his pockets is about to be
really swollen right now.
He's gonna be able
to buy a house.
He's gonna be able
to buy some new timbs.
He's gonna be able
to buy a Timex.
He's gonna be able to buy
an 8-track like mine.
He's gonna be able to buy
a thousand-pack Annihilators.
Yo, listen, listen.
I got an idea.
I heard that a pair
of Lebron James sneakers...
went for 3 g's on Ebay.
Alls we got to do...
is get a pair of
sneakers to Todd-
Forget that.
We're gonna take...
a bunch of sneakers
to Todd...
get him to sign them...
then we're gonna
put it on Ebay...
get phat money.
You understand what
I'm saying now?
Yeah. You think
he'll do it?
Do I think he'll do it?
He better do it...
unless he wants this
gat in his mouth.
You said...
You said gat or gut?
Come on, man.
I let my moms
hold it today, man.
Let's go.
That boy's gonna be
the next Michael Jordan.
That's right, Pop.
That's it!
If you had spent
a little more time...
working with your son
on his jump shot...
maybe he could have been
the next Michael Jordan.
Ma, come on. Relax, Ma.
I just want to be a doctor.
A doctor?
Boy, doctors
don't make no money...
unless they're on E.R.
OK, super.
Todd, I can get you
$5 million...
if you tattoo
a peacock logo...
to the back
of your head.
Damn.
I'm not tattooing
no peacock...
on the back
of my head, man.
Right, right.
That's a bad idea.
Nonetheless,
with the team contract...
and other potential
future endorsements...
you're gonna be in the 40
to $50 million neighborhood.
Is that gross or net?
Where did you come from?
Have we met?
Is she with us?
Anyway, you're gonna be able
to have more things...
than you have ever
dreamed of!
And you're gonna be able...
to give back
to the community...
and you're gonna be able
to help your parents...
just like we always
talked about.
I love this kid!
Mr...
Reilly.
Yes. Excuse me.
It's good to know
that even though Todd...
is getting
his $30 million contract...
he won't forget about
his family values.
That right?
Don't go changing
on us, baby.
I want you to be smart
with your money.
Come here. You got
something on your face.
Yeah, Mama can get rid
of any blemish.
Look, don't worry, Ma.
All I want to do is
take care of the family.
I won't change.
Hey, Jamal,
what up, baby?
Oh, sh...
Aw, man.
Choke!
Baby T got
his first ride.
You only got drafted
two days ago...
and you ran out
and bought that?
Come on.
With a DVD player
and a video game?
Man, get in the car, man.
What's wrong with you, man?
Let's get out of here, man.
My cuz in his
first ride, man.
What's up, boy?
Yo, what's up, cuz?
So I'm telling Todd,
I'm, like, listen.
You see this here?
This is no good.
This will never work.
See this...
This is no good for the shot,
no good for the shot.
What you got to do is...
you got to have them
like this.
You got to spread
your fingers...
so you get that good
rotation on the ball.
I taught him all that
right here on this court...
and look where it got him.
Ah, stop gaming.
You know Todd Andersen?
What do you think
I'm sitting here telling you?
I taught him
everything he knows...
right here on this court.
Todd learned from me-
Bling, baby.
Yo, Wheeze, tell them
how me and Todd go back...
like cornrows, man.
So, what's next, cuz?
You gonna get
a crib in Mount Claire?
Nah, I ain't
trying to do that.
I'm trying to stay here
with my peoples.
This is where I belong.
This is where they want me.
Break, break!
Yo, we got next.
Todd Andersen.
What's a rich boy like you
doing around here, man...
trying to play ball with
his hood brothers, man?
Come on. Whatever, man.
It ain't even like that.
I'm just trying to play
ball with my homeys.
We already got a team, baby.
Some real street ballers, baby.
Nah, nah. Let him play.
Let him play.
He thinks he's the man, trying
to come out here and show off.
Needs to be taught a lesson.
Yo, chill. Why y'all
tripping, man?
We're just trying
to play ball.
Y'all know me. I've been playing
ball here my whole life.
You know what?
I'm tripping, right?
Yo, "D" up, man.
$30 million man.
That's what
I'm talking about.
Let's do it, baby. Whatever.
Yo, get over there, man.
Look. Hey.
I need the sneaks.
Yo. Give me your sneakers.
I ain't giving you jack.
What did you say?
Give me your sneakers
right now.
And that goes for all y'all.
Run your sneaks right now.
All right, all right.
My plan's about
to take effect.
Get these sneakers.
Get that.
You got it? You got it?
You got that, Wheeze?
All right, remember
what I taught you now.
Spread your fingers.
You could be something.
Give it to them.
Let's go, boys.
I'm taking your bet!
Give it to him.
Give it to him.
Here, boy.
I know you got me.
I know you got me.
We'll take that.
Your money's good.
Let's go.
Let's go, boys.
What's good?
That's what
I'm talking about.
That's what I'm
talking about!
Play some "D."
I know you got me.
I'm talking.
Yo! Hold up!
Yo! What are you
doing, man?
You can't foul me
like that!
What, baby? What?
What?
Keep walking!
We're the real warriors!
You go play ball with
those pimpin' punks!
And leave your ghetto pass
on the way out!
I swear. I never
been no sucker, man.
So what, man? Let's go.
Yo, Todd Andersen.
My main man.
Holler at your boy.
It's Bling, baby.
Wait. Did he just hit me
with the head nod?
Yeah.
He didn't just hit me
with the head nod?
He straight dissed you.
I told y'all he didn't
know Todd Andersen.
Can we have
our sneakers back?
They're my sneakers now.
Get the sneakers, Wheeze.
Yeah. The sneakers.
Good evening, Madam.
A spot of tea?
Jojo!
What's wrong, baby?
Jojo, what's this white man
doing in my house?
Jeeves? Hey, he's
a gift from Todd.
And that's not all.
Come see.
What the hell?
And he got us
a large-screen TV...
with surround sound
and a picture in a picture.
Hey, I can watch
Sanford and Son...
and Todd play ball
at the same time.
What is that smell?
Neck bones
and collard greens...
per Mr. Andersen's request.
May I be of service
to you, Madam?
Madam?
You don't know me.
My name is Emma...
Lady Em,
or Mrs. Andersen, OK?
You just stay out
of my way.
And most importantly,
stay out of my kitchen!
I don't know about...
no neck bones
and collard greens.
As you wish,
Madam Lady Em.
God, this is insane.
And why is it
so cold in here?
Hey, our brand-new
industrial air conditioner.
Hey, Emma, we don't
have to ever stick...
to the plastic
on the furniture again.
Mr. Jojo, sir.
Whoa!
Neck bones and collard
greens are served.
Thank you, Jeeves.
Just find me
some hot sauce...
and I'll be with you
in a second.
Tabasco
or Red Rooster, sir?
Well, how about
a pinch of each?
Yes, sir.
Well... ha ha ha!
A pinch of each.
These are my flowers.
These are mine.
These are my flowers.
They're my flowers.
This is my house!
My house!
This is great.
I'll take it.
I'll take it.
I'll take it.
This is so exciting!
Your parents are gonna
love this house.
They're gonna be so happy
that you're finally moving out.
Yes! Whoo!
Yeah. I'm sure
my mom's gonna be ecstatic...
about me moving out.
Ha! There's my boy!
Up! Aah!
Damn, you got big.
Hey, look, thanks
for the Jacob, Big Pimpin'.
No problem, Dad.
And how are you, love?
Oh, I'm fine. How are you?
Did Todd tell you
about the house?
What house?
Oh. Well, Todd got, um...
us a house.
It's beautiful.
Jojo, this is
going too fast.
No, no, no.
Now, JoJo.
It's going too fast for me.
This is all going
too fast for me!
Baby, the boy is grown.
We knew this was
gonna happen.
And besides, you wouldn't want
one of them hoods out there...
taking a shot at him
out of jealousy, right?
Uh-uh. Uh-uh. Hey, hey.
Wait a minute. Wait here.
Come off him.
Go in there. Go in there.
I need to talk to you.
Ah... God.
I don't know, man.
Son, you need
to slow down.
What? You don't like
all the gifts?
That's not the point.
I'm concerned...
about how you're
spending your money.
Mama, I'm gonna be fine.
I just got off
the phone with Wes.
He said I'll be worth
more than $50 million...
when my contract goes through
and the season starts.
"When. "
Don't you mean "if"?
What if you break a leg?
You think it's gonna
be all good then?
And what's this girl...
talking about
"Bought us a house"?
That girl ain't your wife.
I don't think
she meant it like that.
Yeah. Well, what exactly
did she mean by "us"?
You planning on
marrying that girl?
I don't... I don't know.
It's all good.
We... we...
We just like...
We kickin' it, like...
Kickin' it.
What's "kickin' it" mean?
Your daddy and I have
been married 25 years.
We ain't never kicked it.
So, what you
want me to do, Ma?
You do what
you want to do.
You're a grown man.
I just wanted to go
on record saying...
that I don't like it.
Come on, Ma.
Mommy, you're still
my number-one lady.
That's never gonna change.
Don't come over here
with all that.
Ma, come on.
OK, look, look.
Let me make it up to you.
Why don't you decorate
my new house?
Come on. Please. Please.
Now, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
That's an idea.
OK. You know
what I'm saying?
Just do it
the way you do it.
You know how you do, Ma.
Come on, Ma.
I don't want that nasty girl
hanging around up there.
All right. Come here.
Ha ha. With your
big old self.
Ah, I love you, Mommy.
I love you, too, baby.
What did I tell you
about coming around here? Huh?
I told you,
don't come around here...
breaking the rules, right?
I mean, can't you read?
The sign says...
"No soliciting," OK?
Now, go and sell your cookies
somewhere else.
What is with these kids?
They push me. They push me.
Wait.
What you got?
Slim mints right there?
Let me get a box
of them slim mints.
All right. Go. Go on.
Get the hell out of here.
I don't want
to catch you around here...
till you come back
with some shortbreads.
Scourge of the nation.
Uh-uh. What?
Hey! Hey, wait!
Come back here!
Come back here!
Don't make me break the glass.
What is this, son-
a hotel or a house?
A house. A house.
But it has 7 bedrooms
and 10 bathrooms! Whoo!
10 bathrooms?
Why you need 10 bathrooms?
You only got one ass.
- Jojo.
- Sorry.
Todd, honey, you sure
this is the house for you?
I mean, maybe you need
to look a little longer...
find something a little closer
to your parents.
No, no, no. This is it.
This is right.
This is so right.
Come on.
Let's go inside.
Let's look
at it. Come on!
Hey, hey, hey!
What you got, champ?
Come on. Ow! Ow! OK.
Not the face.
Not the face.
Oh, my. Come on.
Come on, Guinevere.
Come on!
Ah! Ah!
Honey! Call Security!
I just saw some Negroes!
What did you say?
I said I just
saw a gang...
You know... yo!
Of Negroes
across the street.
Negroes?
Yes!
And I think they were
hurting a white man.
Good Lord. I'll call
Security at once.
Hold me, Holstead.
Hold me.
Security.
Hold me.
Oh, yes, Judge Crowley.
I understand completely.
I am on it.
I'm on it.
I'll take care of it.
Nope, don't worry about a thing.
All right.
Damn it.
Take care of my baby
first, though.
First got to take care
of my baby.
Ha ha ha!
Hey, this is nice!
Whoo! Damn.
This is big!
Whoo! Hey!
I know where we're gonna be
having our next cookout.
Jojo, come on now.
The boy just
moved in here.
Come on now.
It's cool, Ma.
This house is for all of us.
Having the cookout here
would be a great idea.
Matter of fact,
let's have it this Saturday.
Excu-excuse me.
Is that a purple diamond?
Oh. Why, yes, it is.
You guys like?
It's something that me
and Todd picked up.
Oh, you guys, look.
I have matching
earrings, too.
Oh, yeah. Yeah,
they're really nice.
Todd, come on.
We got to talk.
OK. Ma, look, you're
in charge, right?
Do your thing.
The tip from the Crowleys
was correct.
I have a visual
on the suspects.
What are you doing?
What do you mean,
what am I doing?
This house, the cars,
the jewelry, the Brittany.
You can't afford
any of this stuff.
Wes, Wes, Wes, Wes.
I just got
$30 million, man.
I'm rich!
It's $30 million...
but it's $30 million
spread over 6 years.
You haven't even gotten
a paycheck yet.
The season doesn't start
for another three months.
Hey, I am not fronting you
the cash for this stuff, OK?
Ha ha. Wes, why are
you bugging, man?
Let me enjoy the moment.
Enjoy the moment,
but return this crap.
Yeah. At least until...
I can officially lock in
some endorsements for you.
People just saw me
on national TV...
getting drafted
the other day.
Now they're supposed
to see me returning...
thousands of dollars'
worth of stuff...
like I smoked up
all my money?
I'm not a crackhead, Wes.
You need to get me some
endorsements or something.
All right, I'll get them...
but just hold off
for a while, OK?
I mean, just think
about it, please.
Yo! Who that?
Excuse me.
Can I help you?
OK, OK, OK, buddy.
Just remain calm.
Just calm down.
Subject is being
belligerent.
May have to subdue
with choke hold. Request backup.
Yo, what the hell?
Are you OK, sir?
Just blink once if yes.
I'm fine. I'm fine.
Is he forcing you
to say that?
No.
I live here.
This is my house.
Yeah, right, you live here.
Negro, please.
Look, I got keys-
Hold it!
Don't! Don't!
I'll spray your ass.
Please don't spray his ass.
Lady, lady, this
is his house.
This is Todd Andersen...
New Jersey's
number-one pick.
I'll light his ass up.
Let me look at you.
Oh, that is you, huh?
Yeah.
You look younger in person.
How you doing?
Good. I'm good, actually.
Well, look here.
We don't play...
that ghetto nonsense
around here.
No chicken heads,
no hood rats...
no 40-ouncers...
no rims-on spinners...
and no loud music.
This ain't no Ludacris
video set.
And keep them ho's away.
You don't have
any chicken heads...
or ho's, do you?
Now you want to move
to your parents' house?
It's looking a lot
better, isn't it?
This is what you got to
deal with out in the...
Oh, she got the Bible.
What is this?
Garden Ridge Estates
Rules and Regulations.
All four volumes.
I suggest
you learn them.
You all right, sir?
I'm sorry to startle you.
You have a lovely day.
- You have a great day.
- Thanks for all your help.
I got my eye on you.
I still see you.
You feel safe now?
Yeah. I'm great.
Come on now. Come on.
Be careful with
them boxes now, baby.
Yo, Ma, this is dope!
You did your thing in here!
You like it, baby?
Yeah, I like it!
This is crazy!
I'm glad you like it.
Come give
your mama a kiss.
Thank you, Mommy.
Look here.
You see how your mama
put all your pictures...
under the glass?
This way, you can look
at all your pictures...
at one time.
Check this out, man.
OK, look. This is my cousin
Leroy right here, right?
He failed the bar nine times.
Still gives legal advice.
Right.
Oh, look. And there goes
Jasper and Jerome.
They are real country.
Who's this little
girl right here...
with the funny-
looking teeth?
Oh, that's
my best friend-Becky.
Yeah.
Oh, that's Becky.
And look here. Now
that's them in the tub.
Whoa. Chill.
We was just cool.
It wasn't even like that.
Yo, but I wonder if those
braces ever fixed her teeth.
You seen her?
Why? So both of you...
can take a splish-splash
in your brand-new tub?
Oh, come on, baby.
It wasn't even like that.
Stop. Stop. Come on.
Come on now. That's
enough of all of that.
Come on. We're going
to see the bedroom.
You, come on.
My old bedroom set!
Oh!
Your mother thought
it might help ease...
your transition from moving
out of the house.
Thank you, Mom.
Oh, look.
Little kiddie,
sporty...
Bed sheets. Yay!
Ain't they the bomb?
Maybe we can just wear...
the matching little kiddie
pajamas with it, too.
I'd rather be dead
than sleep in this.
Hello.
Hey, honey.
Is Todd there?
Todd.
Todd.
Todd, get up!
What? What?
The phone is for you.
What's... hello.
Hey, Todd. It's me-Wes.
You awake, buddy?
I got some good news.
Come on. Get your butt
out of bed.
What's up, man?
Cynthia Peters, the head
of Stone Mountain Wireless,
is interested in meeting you
for an endorsement.
For real?
Yes! She wants
to meet you A.S.A.P.
What? Are you too busy?
No, no, no, no.
I'm available.
I can do it.
Are you serious?
Yes, I'm serious!
I'm gonna have her come
by your house Saturday morning.
Yo, listen, man.
Whenever she can do it...
I'm here. Just do it.
We'll do the meeting...
first thing Saturday morning
with Ms. Peters.
Then you'll have the rest
of the afternoon...
for the cookout
with your parents.
Talk to you later.
I'll see you Saturday.
You're rich! You're rich!
OK, bye. Bye.
Baby, that was Wes.
Stone Mountain Wireless...
is considering me
as a spokesperson...
for their family
time campaign.
Oh, man!
Whoo! One of the reps is
coming over this Saturday...
to meet me, baby.
Oh.
Yo, what did you do
with all my mom's stuff?
Oh, baby, look.
Everything that
your mom tried to do...
was really great
and everything...
but I just think that it was
a little bit too down-home...
and baby, what you need
is a hip, progressive image.
Focus. Focus.
Hey, don't worry
about the house, OK?
Ms. Peters is gonna
be here any second.
You need to sell her on you.
On you, babe.
OK, look. Whatever it takes
to get this deal.
But as soon as she leaves,
I want all this stuff...
back the way it was
before my mom gets here.
And you might want
to return this.
No! That cock cost me
a lot of money to get.
You've got a giant cock
in your kitchen.
It's ridiculous.
Baby.
I miss you.
I miss you more.
Lil Dee?
Who the hell is Lil Dee?
What's good, chief?
What was that-
Public Enemy?
Are you addressing me,
young man?
If you are, it is
Judge Holstead Crowley...
not chief.
Hey, man,
I'm Todd Andersen...
your new neighbor.
Good to see...
another brother in
the neighborhood, man.
Brother?
You're not any
relations of mine.
O... K.
I just wanted
to come over here...
and invite you
to a cookout.
Thank you for the invitation,
but I will not be coming...
to your... cookout.
And keep it down.
It's one thing for you
to call me out my name.
It's a whole nother thing...
for you to call me
some other trick's name.
Don't make me break the glass.
I got to go.
I'll deal with you later.
Hey! Yo! Hey! Hey!
Whoa! Stop!
I'll do the talking, man.
Do I look good?
You look phat.
Step out of the car.
Step out of the car?
I'm not stepping
out of the car.
You're a rent-a-cop,
fool. Ha ha!
A rent-a-cop?
Yeah.
I'll have you know
I passed...
the marksmanship exam
with a perfect score.
I passed the physical
endurance test...
in record time.
And I passed
the written test...
in the top
first percentile.
That's all the way
at the top, OK?
Now, just because
I wasn't able...
to pass some
psychological exam...
don't mean I don't
have no authority.
I'll break the glass
on your ass.
She crazy.
Next time,
at the gate, OK?
Yeah. How stupid.
Don't just
drive through. Stop.
Carry your dumb asses on.
Man, let's get
to cousin Todd's house, man.
Hey, what are
you guys making?
We do not "make. "
Ham-fisted
day labowers make.
Labow-whats?
Labowers. The workers.
We are artists, yes?
We-poof!- create.
They create.
OK. So, what are
you creating?
Please.
What the heck
is a labower?
I don't know.
Just focus, OK?
Ms. Peters is-
Is here.
Look. Just be cool,
be yourself.
If you feel like
you're losing her...
tell her some sob story
about how hard life was...
growing up in the hood.
White liberals love
"the poor kid...
from the ghetto
doing good" rap...
even though Iverson
almost killed it.
All right, relax, smile,
look pretty.
Hello, Ms. Peters.
Come on in.
Ms. Peters, it is so nice
to finally meet you.
The pleasure
is all mine.
I must say...
you have a lovely home,
and I especially like...
the way you've
decorated it.
Thank you.
You were talking
to Todd. Ha ha.
Wes Reilly.
Come on in.
Let's get you
a nice cool beverage, OK?
Did someone just ask
where their bitches are?
What's crackin',
lackey cousin?
Willie, Nelson...
what the hell
are you doing here?
Saturday. We came
for the cookout.
No, no, no, no, no.
Yo, man, where
the grubbles at?
We got the munchies
like a mug, man.
Look, man, forget it.
You don't mind, do you?
No. Go right ahead.
Check this out, baby.
Just like... mmm.
That just tastes,
like, good.
Now, that is good.
Like a nice piece
of white bread. Mmm!
With a little bit
of butter on it.
OK, Wes, we've got to
reschedule this meeting.
Not gonna happen.
Their new ad campaign
is starting this week.
We've got to
lock you in today.
No, no, no. I don't think
you quite understand.
This is just the beginning.
Todd's family is like the
black Beverly Hillbillies.
So unless she's
trying to sell...
pig lips
and some gold teeth...
she's not gonna want him.
You sure you don't
want none of this?
No, no. Really, I'm...
Willie, Nelson...
why don't you come
outside with me?
I want to show you something.
You ain't got to
ask me twice.
Just follow me.
And get up.
All rightie, then.
So, Ms. Peters-
no need
for small talk, OK?
Todd is good-looking.
He's charming. He's likable.
He could sell an ice cube
to an eskimo.
I'm sure he can...
but we're not looking
for a salesman.
What we need is
a young, enthusiastic-
I see Todd done
made some changes.
Yeah. Well, it was all
my idea for the style...
but I just wanted to really
capture Todd's tastes.
Oh, hold up, you guys.
Now, I'm the tour.
Congratulations
on all your new taste.
Mom, I'd like you
to meet Ms. Peters.
Ms. Peters
is considering me...
as a spokesperson
for Stone Mountain phones.
Yes.
Nice to meet you,
Ms. Peters.
You're gonna love Todd.
He's quite the actor.
Even if he doesn't
like something...
you'll think he does.
Hey, guess who we
must have talked up.
Becky.
She stopped me
in the grocery store.
I invited her
to the cookout.
Oh, great. I can't
wait to see her.
Good! Good! Becky's coming!
More visitors! Fantastic!
How does she look?
Did the braces
do anything for her?
You'll see
when she gets here.
You guys are staying
for the cookout, right?
We're having
a cookout today.
Excuse me. I got to get
that grill running.
And this is our-
I mean Todd's garage.
What do you guys think?
Wouldn't mind
parking in that...
every day
of the week. Man!
You thinking
what I'm thinking?
Is that Todd's bedroom set?
Um... that's the old one.
You see,
we got a new one.
You know, this
endorsement is just...
really important
for Todd and I...
and we just
wanted to make sure...
that we made a good
impression on Ms. Peters.
Brittany, listen, honey.
How would you like
to be a big hit...
with the family
at the cookout?
Really?
No, no, no.
A really big hit.
Goody! A project?
Well, what can I do?
OK. I want you to run
up to Teaneck...
and get me a ham
for my greens.
Will you do that for me?
Isn't Teaneck
like an hour away?
Yeah, that's
an hour away...
but that ham
is Todd's favorite.
And listen here.
If you go up there...
and get that now...
Todd might buy you
something special.
You think so?
I know he will.
Thank you, Auntie Em.
Anything that you say.
This means so much to me.
You don't even know.
The rooms are upstairs.
Pool's out back.
Make yourselves at home.
And tell Todd
I'll be right back.
Uh-huh. All right.
All right.
Thank you.
Yeah, you go ahead on now.
Dumb-ass.
Doggie.
I see you, doggie.
Pretty doggie.
You are pretty, doggie.
I love you, doggie.
Yo! Get your ass up
off the floor!
Huh?
Get up!
Can I help you fellas?
As a matter of fact,
you can.
Let me get these
cakes and, um...
everything in the register!
I want cash, coins...
food stamps,
everything, man.
Hey, yo, Bling.
Your man is
all over the place.
Not right now, Wheeze.
I'm in the middle
of something.
It's a nice picture
of him, too.
Let me see this.
Mr. Big Shot.
Yeah. This is good.
Where can I find
this house right here?
Does anybody know
where Todd keeps his lard?
Lard?
Oh, my God.
Oh, I feel dizzy.
Olivier, my temples-
rub them vigorously.
See what you have done?
What are you doing?
You know, I don't know
who you think you are-
Who I am?
You tell her who I am.
OK. He is Sven from Prague...
internationally
renowned master chef-
mein chefmeister-
child prodigy...
graduate of Le Cordon Bleu...
at age nine.
Now, he is fluent in the
cuisine of over 100 nations...
and known in
the culinary world...
as the Picasso of pate...
the Van Gogh of veal...
and the Michelangelo of meat.
Van hock.
And this is
Lady Em of Newark.
She has been
cleaning chitterlings...
since she was six...
and she is known
throughout the hood...
as the Patti Labelle
of pork...
the Billie Holiday
of hot links...
the Aretha Franklin
of fried chicken.
I cannot work like this!
Olivier...
Dramatic exit.
Wait. Wait. Where
are you guys going?
Sven cannot work
under these conditions!
What conditions?
The woman in the kitchen...
the Patti Labelle of pork-
she is the Coolio
of canned meat.
I'm gonna go talk to her
right now, and it'll be fine.
You guys, please,
please don't leave.
Oh, quickly, go.
Thank you.
This cousin Todd's house?
How y'all doing?
What's up, cousin Todd?
Jasper, Jerome, why? Why?
Here's your ham.
What happened?
Baby, Sven and Olivier left.
They were supposed to cook
brunch for Ms. Peters.
What am I
supposed to do now?
Look, I raised you and half
your cousins on my cooking.
Now, if it's good
enough for them...
it's good enough for her.
Now, y'all get
that animal outside...
and skin him. Go ahead.
You're dropping brain
all over the floor.
Yes, ma'am.
That's our homemade
slip-n-slide.
Pick him up.
Homemade slip-n-slide.
Uh, Brittany.
Yes?
Low-sodium ham?
What's this, baby?
It's healthier ham,
and it's better for Todd...
because he needs
to stay in shape.
Do you know what
a healthy cookout is?
No, no, no. Don't
answer that question.
Because there's
no such thing...
as a healthy cookout.
Look around this counter.
You see anything healthy?
Look at this.
Chitterlings-sodium.
Macaroni and cheese-
sodium.
Greens-sodium,
black-eyed peas-sodium...
potato salad-sodium.
Sodium, sodium,
sodium! OK?
And as for Todd...
that boy's eaten
so much sodium...
he could crap a salt lick.
Didn't keep him out of
the pros, now did it?
Little Brittany,
I need a ham.
And I want that ham
to be... what?
Sodium.
With sodium.
OK.
Good girl.
Excuse me.
May I have a glass of-
Ms. Peters!
Help me, Jesus.
Quick now. And don't forget
my cast-iron pot...
because Lady Em gonna try
to outdo my cornbread...
as if she could.
Come on, Ma.
Why does everything...
between you and Auntie Em
have to be a competition?
Honey, there is
no competition...
because I'm better
than she is.
Now get in the house.
Frank, shake a tailfeather.
Give me a hand, Grandpa?
Nope. My hands are
already filled, son.
Ho. Ho. Ho.
Stop right there.
Stop, you, right there.
Look, cut the engine off...
but don't turn off that record.
That's my jam.
Yo, I'm here
to see Todd Andersen.
Oh, no, I don't
think so. He's over.
He's over? What you mean?
He lives here, don't he?
Well, see, regulation 42-B,
subsection 6, clearly states...
that residents are allowed
a limited number of visitors.
You mean to tell me I can't
even see my own cousin?
That's exactly
what I'm saying.
All right, you know what?
Listen up, rent-a-cop.
You don't even have a gun.
You have a flashlight,
all right?
I didn't drive all the way
up here for nothing.
You see these babies
in this car?
They needs a daddy.
A... baller. Swoosh.
So what I'm gonna
need you to do
is run on over to that little
phone booth over there...
pick up that phone,
call my cousin Todd...
and tell him Lil Dee
is at the gate.
Wait. Hold up.
Did you say Lil Dee?
Yes, I did.
Do you know
Marquis Fontaineau?
Light skin
with the good hair?
Yeah, I know him.
You know my daddy?
Aw, hell, no!
Let's roll.
Marquis, I thought you said
you didn't know Lil Dee.
I met her. I seen her.
I seen your damn baby.
I could be wrong,
but I think you're...
getting a little heavy
up on the family.
I mean, a few adds charm...
but this is
starting to look...
like a rerun of Good Times.
Mama couldn't make it.
You know,
her rheumatoid arthritis...
started flaring up
in that left elbow.
So I had to give her
an icy-hot patch.
She said she'd
see you next time.
I told you
to reschedule it, man.
Just go handle Ms. Peters.
I'll take care of this.
All right. All right.
Daddy! Daddy!
Daddy! Daddy!
Um, Todd, do you
want to do something...
about these
little kids here?
I'm not your daddy. No.
Come here!
Nobody knows who
your daddies are.
Now, what do you
call these again?
Chitterlings.
And a cookout...
ain't a cookout
without them.
I hate to ask, but what
exactly is a cookout?
Well, it's when
the family gets together.
You see them out there?
We get together.
We dance.
We grill meat.
We share gossip.
We sing. We can play
dominoes, cards.
We have a good time.
The three f's-
fun...
food...
family.
That ain't right.
Leroy, use a coaster, man.
You're messing up my table.
You left it out here
for public use.
The law says that's
an assumed risk.
You need to stop fronting
like you're a real lawyer...
and pass the bar. Do that.
A real lawyer.
Hey, I know more
than any real lawyer.
I took the bar 15 times.
They only took it once.
Do you know how much
you learn about the law...
when you take it over
and over and over?
Huh? Jojo, when is
that food gonna be ready?
I'm starving.
Aw, man, nice place
Todd got here.
Sure is. Mm-hmm.
I mean, look at the trees.
You know, I planted
a tree once.
Never could get it to grow.
Hey... grass.
I could never get
my lawn this nice.
That's because you're black.
What? I got racist grass?
No. The water company-
they pump low-grade water...
into the black neighborhoods.
That's why you
never see nice lawns...
in black communities.
What the hell
is low-grade water?
Is it possible, Leroy...
that people in the hood, they
can't afford landscapers...
and they save money
on the water...
so they don't water
their lawn as much?
That's what the man
wants you to think.
How far away are we?
You go south
by my thumb...
and you make a right
at my pinkie...
and you go two inches.
Oh, wait. Oh, wait.
I got it upside-down.
This just don't
make no sense.
Give me the damn map.
Let me see.
I got it, Bling.
Wheeze! Wheeze!
I got it! I got it!
Let go!
What you doing, man?
Watch out for the cat.
So she got mad at me...
and she's gonna...
Shut the hell up.
Look what you made
me do to my car!
Sorry.
If my arm wasn't
numb right now...
I'd knock your head off.
You're confusing me here.
Which way is south?
Hey.
Look at the kitty.
That's a rare species.
Hey, kitty, kitty, kitty.
Hey, kitty, kitty,
kitty, kitty, kitty.
Hey, kitty, kitty-
What the hell
are you doing?
What the hell
are you doing, man?
What happened?
I think he just
farted on me.
What are you talking-
Fool! Get
them sneakers, man!
We're running out
of time over here.
My baby.
Hurry up, man.
You smell that?
What the hell
is that smell?
It's probably these
stinky-ass sneakers...
you got me
lugging around.
Man, them sneakers
are gonna get us paid.
Man, walk over there, man.
Them sneakers stink.
Look. Right.
Well, give me a leg up.
OK.
Here.
Ready?
Do you see anything?
They're turning
our community...
into a trailer park
in the projects.
Hey! Y'all the neighbors?
Well, come on over
to the cookout.
- No.
- Mmm-mm.
No, come on! Come on!
Eileen...
I'm coming for you.
Wait! Guinevere!
Good afternoon, sir.
How may I help you?
That's my wife.
Jeeves, let him in.
You must be Holstead.
Come on in and join us.
I'm Lady Em.
You can call me Emma.
And this is Lil Dee.
Hey.
And these are her children.
This is Sonny Ray,
Little Ray, D.J...
Sonny D., D.Q.R.S.,
Whatever.
So many of you.
It's so hot in here.
Here's your ham, with all
the salt and the fat...
and the artery-clogging
goodness that you love.
And now my dress
smells like ham.
So excuse me.
Oh, honey.
This is a boneless ham.
Yes. Yes. That is
a boneless ham.
Oh, honey, it's the bone...
that gives the ham
the flavor.
This will never do.
You're kidding, right?
No, I'm not kidding.
Now listen.
You wouldn't want
Todd to lose this deal...
because of the wrong ham
now, would you? Ha ha.
No, I wouldn't.
No, I didn't think so.
Now listen, sweetie.
About 25 miles
down the road there...
there's a good butcher.
Get you a good ham,
all right?
Mm-hmm. All right?
Now, I'm not quite sure...
I understand what
you're getting at.
OK, lady, let me
break it down...
for you, all right?
If a black cat
crosses your path...
that means what?
Seven years bad luck,
right? All right.
Now, what's slang
for a dude? A cat.
So ergo, i. e.,
I am a black cat.
So if I cross your path,
you subliminally think...
that you're gonna
get bad luck.
That is why
my wife left me...
because I'm black.
Is he serious?
Oh, yeah. See,
at every family cookout...
we get caught up
on each other's lives...
no matter how sad they are.
Subliminal messages-
they're all around us.
You know, like in sports.
Like hockey. Why is there
a bunch of white guys...
smacking a black puck
around the ice?
Why can't the puck
be white?
Well, being in
sports management...
I'd venture to say
that on ice...
a white puck might
be difficult to see.
I'd expect you to say that.
Wait a minute, Leroy.
What about golf?
I mean, the ball is white.
Yeah. You know,
you're right.
And I thought about that.
In golf, you
got to do what?
Get that white ball
in the hole.
Where's the hole?
On the green.
Green. "Fertility. "
You see what I'm
getting at here?
Where's that hole?
In the earth.
Mother earth.
"Hi, mommy. " Yeah.
White guys trying to get...
their white balls
in mother earth...
symbolizing how they
want to rape the planet.
I should write a book, man.
"That ham has
too much salt in it.
"No, that ham
has too much bone in it.
No, that ham has
too much pork in it. "
Keep it together.
Now, what you're
gonna do is...
you're gonna go get
the damn ham for her...
and once all these ghetto hood
rats are out of my house...
we're gonna get it fumigated.
Then I will have Todd
all to myself.
What's up, gold digger?
Excuse me...
but I am not in the mood.
You know what?
I'm not even mad.
Game recognize game, honey.
Game recognizes game?
Let me tell you something.
Your game is not up to par
with my game.
What is it,
like, five or six...
Lil Dee-Dees I see
running around here?
And that old-ass
Scooby Doo van...
that you've been
driving around.
Yeah. I seen it.
Now, I drive a brand-new
Mercedes-Benz.
And this is my mansion.
That's all
fine and dandy...
but I catch your
little trifling tail...
trying to play
my cousin...
and I'll cut your ass.
Oh, and by the way...
that tired little dress
you're trying to rock...
we all know
that ain't real.
Pocahontas just
trying to front...
acting like she got
Indian in her family.
Little bit Cherokee.
Cherokee?
Let me tell you something.
You need not worry
about your cousin...
because your cousin
is my problem.
I'm gonna take real
good care of him.
What you need to do
is stop looking...
for your babies' daddies
down at the parole office.
And you, little
ghetto bird...
need to invest
in a diaphragm.
Lookie here, Bling.
Look what we have here.
You fellas need a lift?
Hell, yeah. Come on, Wheeze.
Let's get in.
You know, I don't mind
picking you boys up...
because I know
how it can be.
Right on.
I'm in the horseshit
consignment business...
a manure broker,
if you don't mind.
Basically, I go around
to all the ranches...
I scoop up
the horseshit...
and I sell it to all the
farmers and the landscapers.
This stuff right here.
And if my truck
breaks down...
let me tell you, God...
nobody's gonna
pick up this guy...
because I stink of shit.
You want some?
No.
Good. You OK?
Now, let me
tell you something.
There's a demand
for good-quality shit.
I tell the farmers...
make sure
you feed your horses...
a well-balanced diet.
Any doctor
will tell you...
if you put
good stuff in...
good stuff is definitely
gonna come out.
That's it! Stop the car!
Stop the car!
And don't say
shit else about shit!
Come on, Wheeze!
Get the hell out of here!
Hey.
Dee, you need
to check your kids.
They're scratching up my stairs.
Look at this.
Oh, man, we can't
do nothing over here.
I shouldn't have
never came here.
I should have went
to Lebron James' house.
I know that's right.
Disrespectful.
Boy, you worry
too damn much.
All this running-around
they doing...
they're gonna start dropping
like flies in a minute.
Just chill.
I tried telling her, Todd...
but you know, some people
are just uncivilized.
Leroy, Leroy, look what they did
to my damn bat.
It's my bat!
I'm coming to get you!
I'm gonna get you!
Grandpa!
Aunt Nettie, could you please
keep these kids out of here?
My agent and I are trying
to do some business.
OK.
Please. Just...
Calm down, honey.
Agent.
Check.
Good job.
Jamal! Jamal! Jamal!
Todd's agent is here, and baby,
if he sees you play...
I know we can get
a contract...
maybe even bigger
than Todd's.
Mom, look. I got
checkmate in one move.
And how many times
I got to tell you?
I'm not trying
to play pro ball.
Well, you just
check that, baby.
Now, I want you
to get dressed now!
No excuses!
Nettie, now Jamal has
a life of his own...
that doesn't include
pro basketball.
We didn't come here
for a tryout.
We came here for a cookout.
When's that food
gonna be ready?
Quiet, Frank!
If you'd spent more time
teaching your son how to play...
instead of feeding
your face...
I wouldn't even have
to be doing this!
Mama's gonna get
her baby a contract...
whether he
wants one or not!
You, go get
your sweats on!
Now!
The boy ain't even
got a hoop.
Nice and quiet.
Away from all the insanity.
Have a seat.
We are so sorry about
all the distractions.
I assure you,
this family gathering...
was a complete
scheduling mishap.
It's OK.
I'm rather
enjoying myself.
Are you? It's fun, right?
Cookouts are fun.
Anyway, let's talk about
the new product launch, OK?
We know that this is very
important for your company...
and we think
that Todd would be...
absolutely perfect.
Picture it-
young rookie,
out on the road...
missing his family...
needing your service
to stay in touch with them.
God!
Stop swinging that bat!
Somebody's gonna get hurt!
Excuse me for a minute,
Ms. Peters.
I'll be right back.
Yeah, yeah.
Foul! Foul!
Y'all saw it!
It's my bat! My bat!
Grandpa, please, please,
please, not in the house.
Please, not in the house.
Rules! Rules! Rules!
Everybody always
telling kids...
and old folks what to do.
Come on, kids. Let's go.
We'll show them. Come on.
We're going outside
and poo-poo on ourselves.
Oh, God.
Ew... God.
Oh...
I love you, Uncle Todd.
I love you, too, man. Oh...
What's up?
Do you see that poodle?
Whose dog is that?
Yo, I'm gonna give
it some cookies.
Come here, girl.
Give me one, man.
Let me try. Give me one.
Here, man.
I ain't giving my cookie
to no dog, man.
You must be crazy.
OK, this is it, baby.
Take it to the hoop.
Take it to the hoop.
This is it.
Ma, you cannot be serious.
Where am I gonna play ball?
There's no basket in here.
You want a basket?
There's your basket.
"D" up, Leroy.
No easy buckets.
Well, you don't have
to worry about that...
because I'm already...
I'm up in here.
Up in here, baby.
Don't worry about it.
Come on, boy.
Show me what you got.
Come on.
Come on.
You ready for me?
Don't try to go left.
Don't go left.
I'm telling you-
Yes!
That's my boy!
That's my boy!
Did you see how he
handled that ball?
You cannot tell me that my
baby don't have game.
So, what do you think?
I think... wow.
Oh, my God. I got a call.
You don't know nothing.
My Jamal, he should be
playing in the pros!
Oh, yeah.
That's what
I'm talking about.
You think that's enough
of this in there?
Damn! What
do you want now?
Did you read the rules
and regulations?
Because I can see about
10 violations in here...
and I ain't even
up in here good.
You are way over the allowed
amount of visitors.
You're too loud.
And do I smell a grill?
Oh, no. You need a permit
to cook outdoors.
It's just a cookout.
We ain't bothering nobody!
Look, youngblood,
back the hell up.
Now, look, Mr. Andersen...
you better get
your family together...
or your time at Garden Ridge
will be over real soon.
That's it. That's it.
That's it.
Everybody get out!
After this food is done...
get a doggy bag
and get out!
Hey, man, why don't
you calm down, man?
You trippin'.
What is wrong with you? You-
Hey, you hear me talking?
Don't turn
your back on me.
Jojo.
Yeah. It's
all right, baby.
What's wrong with him?
It's all right, baby.
It's OK. It's all right.
He's gonna be all right.
What's wrong with him?
I hate to interrupt...
but have either of you
seen my dog? Guinevere.
Guinevere.
I've been looking for you.
In the house, Guinevere.
Oh, no.
Is that
what I think it is?
Yeah.
I'm shocked
at you two young men.
So am I.
We're sorry.
I weep for your generation.
In my day...
no one would consider baking
with inferior ingredients.
Take the high road,
my sons.
There's no such thing
as an... easy bake.
Light 'em up.
Light 'em up.
I can't feel
my face, man.
Ah, who would
have thought...
that a straight-laced
dude like you...
would enjoy
getting a lift? Man.
I used to like to do
a lot of things...
before I married
Mrs. Crowley-
drink malt liquor...
listen to rap music...
eat Oreo cookies.
Oh, I know that one.
If she's such
a buzz-kill then...
man, why did you marry her?
It was a good
business decision.
See, she comes from money...
and where I was raised,
money marries money.
Yeah, but them tits
is nice, too, though, huh?
What about them nipples?
She got some little raisins...
or some nice big gumdrops?
That's my wife
you're talking about.
Oh, my bad, man.
Sorry.
OK.
Gumdrops.
I knew it! I seen them
in her shirt!
You mind if I help?
Knock yourself out.
Oh! Sweet Jesus!
Hey, hey, hey.
Come on.
Let me help.
Let me help.
You'll tear
the thing up.
Is it coming out?
You can put a flower
or something over it.
A flower, Em?
Look at this.
I got to take this
back tomorrow.
$1,200?
Why'd you spend
$1,200 on a dress?
I wanted to be more
fabulous than you, OK?
Nettie, come on.
Come here.
Come on. Sit down.
God, Nettie,
come on now.
When you and me,
we were coming up...
we were tight,
we were close.
Then everything
changed. Everything.
Why?
All the while
we were growing up...
all I ever heard was how
beautiful Emma was...
and how smart Emma was.
Even now, it's like
you're the better parent.
Todd is hosting a cookout
in this castle...
and Jamal can't even get
a pro basketball tryout.
You're acting like...
this is some kind
of competition.
Jamal is top honors
in his class, Nettie.
He's damn near
a straight-A student, OK?
He could be a doctor
or a lawyer.
You ever think about that?
He could change the world.
Wow. Change the world.
Lawyers and doctors
make good money.
Hello.
This ain't no
competition, but...
they make good money.
Miss Becky Cruz.
Hey.
Hey, Lady Em.
Thanks for inviting me.
Hi, baby.
Your mother told me
I'd find you back here.
Cookout's around the back.
Just follow the cigarette burns
and the doo-doo diapers.
You don't recognize me,
do you... Doo-doo head?
Doo-doo head?
Buck teeth, braces,
glasses so thick...
I could see
into the future.
Becky?
Yo. Girl.
Hey.
Sit down. Sit down.
Sit down.
Oh, man.
Damn, girl!
You look...
What happened?
You... you did your thing.
What can I say?
After 10 years in braces...
I guess my teeth finally
decided to cooperate.
The last time
I saw you was...
the cookout that my moms
threw for me and Jamal...
before I went to Rutgers.
Yeah. I just graduated
from Spellman.
Congratulations.
Thanks. I just
moved back home.
I start at dental
school in the fall.
But enough about me.
Look at you.
You've come really far,
Doo-doo head.
Not far enough.
When moms gave word
about this cookout...
my family
started showing up...
faster than roaches
at a garbage strike.
Yo, hurry up.
What's taking you so long?
Yo, Wheeze, hurry up
so we can get out of here.
I almost got it.
Excuse me. What do you
think you're doing?
Come here and shut up.
Aah! Please don't hurt me.
Just drive the car and
nobody will get hurt...
you sexy little self.
OK, I will, but my
boyfriend's really rich.
He'll give you
anything you want.
You just get us
to Garden Ridge.
We'll worry about
your boyfriend later.
Remember about two years ago...
when you were playing
against Indiana State?
You were struggling
the whole game.
That was the worst
game I ever had.
Yeah, I think I was, like...
2 for 8 from
the free-throw line.
Your family had
these big signs up...
with your name on them...
and they stayed up
the entire game...
even when you
were on the bench.
They brought those
signs to every game.
They've always
had your back.
W- wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
So you used to
watch me play?
Don't change the subject.
But... yes.
Just because
we lost touch...
doesn't mean I didn't
check up on you.
I guess I got some
apologizing to do.
Yep.
You know, Becky...
I always, always
thought you were...
really special
to me, and, um...
it was something
I always wanted to do...
but I never
got a chance to-
I wanted to
do that earlier.
Whoo! Yes.
Come on.
Summer.
It's really summer.
Yeah. Thank you, man.
Ma, those potatoes
you made earlier was banging.
Look, Ma, the stuff
I said earlier-
I love you, too, Todd.
Come here.
I'm sorry, Mom.
I'm sorry.
Jeeves, what
are you doing?
Well, I'm giving
to-go containers...
to your guests, Sir.
Man, put those away.
People only use those
to bring food home...
after a cookout.
Oh. Very good, Sir.
Let's go. Let's go.
I put his ass in check
right quick...
just like I done you.
Plus that stupid gate arm
won't open.
Oh!
Remember, I always
loved you, baby.
Time to break the glass.
You know, I'm...
I'm trying to find...
my husband Holstead.
Have you seen
my husband Holstead?
My husband Holstead?
Excuse me!
Has anybody seen Holstead?
My husband.
Holstead!
What have you done?
What it look like?
I gave me and that bitch
some flavor.
What did I tell you about
using that kind of language...
in front of-Aah!-
language in front of her?
Have you forgotten
how sensitive she is?
Look here, woman.
Things are gonna
change around here.
I'm tired of you
putting your foot...
on the back of a brother's
neck all the time.
There it is.
Amen, brother.
Don't let her put white balls
in mother earth.
Damn straight.
I've never seen you
like this before.
I mean, you're so proud
and... sexy.
Let's... go home. Now.
Woman, what did I
just tell you?
We go home
when I say so.
All right.
Come on. Let's go.
I know that's right,
Mrs. Crowley.
You better get that.
OK, everybody,
let's say grace.
Todd, you're our host.
Lead us in prayer.
Dear Lord, thank you
for this gathering-
Sir!
A Mr. Big Pimping
Bling-Bling...
and Mr. O.G. Big Wheezer.
What's that smell?
It's the sneakers...
the funky-ass sneakers
over there.
That don't smell like feet.
It smells like ass.
Yeah.
Y'all are doing
the damn thing in here, huh?
Corn...
ham...
some chicken...
mac and cheese.
Looks like y'all don't need
no more of that.
Brittany,
what's this trash...
you done brought up
in this house?
I'm sorry. He has a gun.
But, Lady Em,
here's the ham.
It has bone in it
and everything.
Why is it that every time...
black folks get together
to have a good time...
jokers like you always seem
to mess it up?
Your kind is the reason...
good folk like Todd
leave the neighborhood.
Young man,
you're not welcome here.
Shut the hell up, lady.
Take care of them kids
back there.
That's what you
need to be doing.
Look, man, who are you?
And what the hell are you doing
in my house, man?
Don't act like
you don't know me.
I taught you
everything you know.
Now get your ass
up against the wall...
and sign them sneakers.
Hey, man.
What?
Look over there.
What's she trying...
What's she saying?
All right, Luscious.
I'll see you later.
Todd, are you in
some kind of trouble?
Pop, I don't even know
who these dudes are.
Does this sort of thing
occur frequently?
Oh, yeah. I've been
to many cookouts...
and let me tell you...
this kind of thing
happens all the time.
It's all part
of the festivities.
You might want
to hide the pearls.
I just want you to know
that Todd and his family...
are all law-abiding
citizens...
and I hope this doesn't
affect your decision...
on giving Todd
the campaign.
You might want to put
your hands back.
Hey, give me
the bat, old man.
Act scared.
It's kind of fun.
Get your hands off my wood!
This guy, he sort of
reminds me of someone.
In fact,
remember that guy...
we used to go
to school with...
the one they used to bug?
Percival ass... something.
Get your hands
off my wood, sucker!
Yeah.
Percival?
Percival Assmackey?
Shut up!
Stop laughing at me!
Shut the hell up!
Stop laughing at me!
You two, stop laughing!
Stop laughing at me!
All right. All right.
All right. All right.
Shut up!
And it's pronounced...
"Assmokee. "
It's West African!
Y'all think
this is real funny.
Why are we wasting
time with them?
I say we throw
these bums out...
and let's get to eating.
Come on!
Sit your asses down!
Unless you want me
to blow a hole...
in this $30 million
knee of yours.
No!
Brittany.
What the hell
is going on in here?
You're OK. Jamal is here.
Here you are, Sir.
Thank you.
Be careful, Jamal.
You don't know what
you're doing, sweetie.
Ma, yes, I do. I know
exactly what I'm doing.
Look, I've been trying
to tell you, I'm pre-med.
I'm going to medical
school next year.
Ooh, a doctor.
Did somebody say "doctor"?
Man, enough of this!
I'm sick of y'all!
Shut the hell up!
Wheeze, get on down here.
Get all the cash
and the jewelry.
Get these sneakers signed.
Let's get the hell out of here.
Ah! Freeze!
You don't want
none of this, boy.
That was some
great police work...
apprehending these two.
Thank you, officer.
Glad to be of service.
Yeah. You know what?
I like your attitude.
You seem way too qualified
to be a security guard.
Have you ever considered...
a career in
law enforcement?
All right, everybody!
Deejay Enuff!
Heavy Hitters!
We're about to take it
to the old school!
Let's go!
Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
Here we go!
Miss Dee,
why don't you hit me...
with some
of those digits?
I like the way
you rock, Jeeves.
I'm feeling you. Uh! Uh!
Come on. Back it up.
Your family is a trip.
Yes, they are.
- Go, Todd!
- Go, Todd!
Can I talk to you
for a second?
Oh. Ho. Uh-oh.
You're in trouble.
What are you doing
dancing with that girl?
She's not even
cuter than I am.
Who? Becky?
She's my friend.
You hurt yourself
dancing with these people...
you're not gonna get paid...
for the time that
you spend recuperating.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
"These people"?
Yeah.
Let me tell you
something. I...
Brittany...
I want to see other people.
Is it something
that I said?
It's everything you say.
It's everything you do.
I need somebody I got
more in common with...
like, somebody
I can relate to...
somebody that can
relate to me.
I can relate to you.
I can relate to you.
I can be...
street, you know.
I can be like,
"Yo, yo, G. What's up?"
You know, I can ride
or dive... thing.
You have no idea...
what I'm talking
about, do you?
No. Please.
Please, baby.
I don't...
I don't want to work...
and I don't want
to pay bills.
I don't want to...
I want the diamonds.
Please, can I keep
the Mercedes...
and the diamonds? Please.
You can keep
the diamonds.
Leave the car keys
in the house...
after you get
your stuff...
and you get out.
Thanks.
Where's the doctor at?
Whoo-hoo!
Todd, we got it!
Yeah! When do we start?
Now.