Crystal Fairy & the Magical Cactus and 2012 (2013) Movie Script
Hey, how's the party? All good?
It's good, man.
Hey, Diego.
Good, and you?
You want some?
Yeah, come in!
Hey.
Hey, how's it going, Manu?
Here, you want some?
Hey, want some more?
Nice to meet you.
Fuck.
Is that I'm carrying my purse.
How can you even say that?
You can't. You just can't.
And how are you
going to pee, girl?
It's easy.
You're just ridiculous.
You cover me. Cover me.
I bet you didn't
even bring toilet paper.
No, I'll just wipe myself
with...!
You're ridiculous.
Hurry up, girl.
Wait for me, girl!
You're taking too long.
You're wearing, like,
four pairs of underwear.
You're ridiculous.
Shut up!
I want to see how the hell
you're going to pee in that.
Look. Someone's coming.
They're American.
They're American.
Say hello!
Say hi to them for me.
Can I have a little bite
of your apple?
It's just a bite.
He says, how many dicks
have you sucked today?
- Lots.
- Lots!
What are your names?
He says he can cook something
for you if you want.
To the house!
Bye-bye, girls. Good night.
What?
Nice to meet you.
But what's going on?
Are you going back to work or-
Bored.
Bye, honey!
There they are.
That's Alvaro's car, isn't it?
What? You did coke?
Fuck, just a little.
This guy said something
about some drag queens?
This guy tells them,
"You're hungry?
I'll make you some rice."
Are you kidding me?
What the fuck.
The girls knew English?
He says that San Pedro is safe
because it's, like, a cactus.
It's a natural drug,
and it's not-
Like, it's been condemned
socially because of-
- Hello.
- Hello, good afternoon.
Good afternoon.
Do you have any empanadas left?
Yes, sir, meat empanadas.
Just meat'?
Just meat.
And how much are they?
800 pesos.
I want an empanada. You?
- I'll have one too.
- Okay, me too.
Do you have coffee?
Is it, like,
from a coffee machine?
No, it's instant.
Yes, one coffee
and three empanadas.
Thank you.
He ate a seafood empanada,
and, man,
he puked it all back up
in the middle of the highway.
It was disgusting.
Thank you.
- Very unpleasant.
- Thank you.
That shit was gross.
Thank you, sir.
You can eat it here
if you want.
- All right, thank you.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
He invited this chick
to the north.
I thought he was kidding.
Hello, excuse me.
Where is the town square?
The town square, where is it?
- The town square?
- Yes.
Further up.
Further up? Right, thank you.
Hello.
Do you think I can fit here?
Yeah, right here.
How are you boys doing?
Do you have a cigarette
for me, honey?
Of course.
Here it says,
like I told you before,
that you're going to do well,
that you're going to be happy.
Are you in a relationship?
Are you working?
No, no, not that, see?
Not that.
No, no, no.
Not that, money.
Money. You can't eat with that.
She has to pay! She has to pay!
You're crazy. You're crazy.
Stop, stop, stop!
What happened?
What happened?
Can you explain to me
what happened?
But she gave you a drawing.
She's an American.
She doesn't have
any Chilean money.
Don't bother her anymore.
Sorry about the disturbance.
That girl and that blond.
- Are you okay?
- Yes, yes.
Yes?
Do you have any fresh lettuce?
On the beach!
Ma.
Do you have toilet paper?
What do you prefer? Pisco?
Pisco, whatever, man.
Whose stuff is this?
- Hello.
- Hello, good night.
Hello.
There's no problem
with us being five, right'?
The room is
for four people only.
You'll have to figure it out
yourselves, all right?
Okay, good night. Sleep well.
Thank you.
- Good night.
- Good night.
Good night, thank you.
You're the youngest,
and there's no way
I'm giving up my bed.
What is it'?
No, give it to her, man.
Out the ear?
A dwarf?
- All of it?
- The rest of your life.
All Of it.
Or having a midget chase you
for the rest of your life.
Thank you.
Can you hand me the beer?
We're leaving now.
Yes.
Hello!
Hello!
Hello.
- Hello, excuse us.
- Hello.
Can I ask you something?
Okay.
It's that,
we're here with some friends.
We want to drink some San Pedro,
and we wanted to ask you
if you could sell us
that one over there or a piece.
No.
Really? Why not'?
No, because it's mine.
And...
Are you going to drink it,
or what are you going to do?
No, that one is for me.
Yeah, it's for me.
We can pay you good money
for it.
Do you know
where we can find some?
Not around here.
Almost everyone around here
hides them,
at least the few
that have them.
No, I'm not selling.
I'm not selling my cactus, no.
- Darn.
- Nothing.
Nothing, right. Bye.
I'm busy.
Hello!
Hello.
Hello, ma'am.
Ma'am, could you sell us
some of your San Pedro?
Not the whole thing.
We can pay a good price for it.
My friend has-impossible?
No, there's no chance you might
sell us a little piece?
Right, okay.
I'm sorry. Thank you.
What if we leave?
Can I have the lighter?
Hello!
How are you, ma'am?
Hello.
Good, ma'am, and you?
Good afternoon.
Ma'am, hello.
How are you?
- Hello.
- Hello.
Do you think we could buy
some of your cactus?
Not the whole thing,
but a little piece?
- Please?
- No.
Do you think we could, ma'am?
Please.
I'd have to think about it.
Just a little piece?
I'm not sure about this,
but come on in.
You're not in a hurry, are you?
Yes, thank you.
Very pretty. Very pretty.
- Very pretty.
- Yes, yes.
Your house is very pretty.
There are some chairs
if you want to sit down.
All right.
Thank you very much, ma'am.
About the cactus, yes.
I'd have to think about it.
A little.
Okay, there's no rush.
No, yes, yes.
Your house is very pretty.
I like your cat.
- Yes, it's a cat.
- Yes.
Yes, I really like teddy bears,
anything like that.
That's why I'm carrying
this one around.
He's restless, isn't he?
Yes, don't pay
any attention to him.
He'd like to have
the cactus, but...
And you like the house
and he likes the cactus, no?
Yes.
Can I show you something?
- Sure.
- Look.
The mayor gave it to me,
along with everyone else
who agreed
to present me with an award,
which is why I take
good, good care of it.
- Are you kidding me, man?
- Dude, check it out!
What did she say?
I'd stop too.
Pollo, relax.
Where is my sleeping bag, man?
Right there.
No, a green one.
I don't know.
The thing is that it takes,
like, 12 hours
to cook San Pedro.
Hey, Champa,
tell him to help up.
Here, hand me one.
Fuck, this guy Jamie is kind
of getting on my nerves, man.
Really?
Yeah, you can tell
he's really fucking excited,
but whatever, man.
It's the San Pedro.
Just think that he came all
the way to Chile for that thing.
Hey, these tents
are fucking ancient, man.
They don't even have stakes.
Made a mistake, kissed a snake.
How many doctors will it take?
Hey, hand me that stick.
No, man, I know how
to pitch a tent.
Lel, come on!
Come on, Lel!
No, just say it in Spanish.
Yeah.
What I'm most scared of
are people
that have, like, bad intentions
and not realizing about them.
Thank you.
Man, Champa, please translate.
What the fuck is she saying?
That in 2012,
there's going to be a change,
because it's the end
of the Mayan calendar,
and that her fear, finally,
is that, like,
humanity won't be able
to achieve this change,
which is a total transformation
of man.
The magic pebbles,
do you have them?
Here, Champa.
Your magic pebble.
Thank you.
Do it, pussy.
In the throat.
That shit was gross.
Did you drink the whole thing?
But do you feel like puking?
No, not yet.
No. I don't know.
It was really gross.
But whatever.
Just get ready
for what's coming later.
Dude, Crystal Hairy
is losing it.
Check it out.
Yeah, but she's just doing
her thing.
It's not the San Pedro.
It's two hours, so...
Let's go, man, please.
Hey, Jamie's kind of pale,
isn't he?
Don't be an idiot, Pilo.
All right, let's not pay
attention to him for a while.
Man, shall we go to the water?
You didn't drink
the San Pedro, Pilo.
No.
Fuck, you fat-ass, man.
I think I want a beer, man.
What's Pollo doing?
All right. Let's trap Jamie.
Wrap him up, dude.
She was, like, sad, man.
What, is he going
to apologize to her?
Yeah.
What is that shit?
But it's cool, man.
A bad experience.
But anyway, you got to talk
to those whale guys.
You still had a good time.
It's good, man.
Hey, Diego.
Good, and you?
You want some?
Yeah, come in!
Hey.
Hey, how's it going, Manu?
Here, you want some?
Hey, want some more?
Nice to meet you.
Fuck.
Is that I'm carrying my purse.
How can you even say that?
You can't. You just can't.
And how are you
going to pee, girl?
It's easy.
You're just ridiculous.
You cover me. Cover me.
I bet you didn't
even bring toilet paper.
No, I'll just wipe myself
with...!
You're ridiculous.
Hurry up, girl.
Wait for me, girl!
You're taking too long.
You're wearing, like,
four pairs of underwear.
You're ridiculous.
Shut up!
I want to see how the hell
you're going to pee in that.
Look. Someone's coming.
They're American.
They're American.
Say hello!
Say hi to them for me.
Can I have a little bite
of your apple?
It's just a bite.
He says, how many dicks
have you sucked today?
- Lots.
- Lots!
What are your names?
He says he can cook something
for you if you want.
To the house!
Bye-bye, girls. Good night.
What?
Nice to meet you.
But what's going on?
Are you going back to work or-
Bored.
Bye, honey!
There they are.
That's Alvaro's car, isn't it?
What? You did coke?
Fuck, just a little.
This guy said something
about some drag queens?
This guy tells them,
"You're hungry?
I'll make you some rice."
Are you kidding me?
What the fuck.
The girls knew English?
He says that San Pedro is safe
because it's, like, a cactus.
It's a natural drug,
and it's not-
Like, it's been condemned
socially because of-
- Hello.
- Hello, good afternoon.
Good afternoon.
Do you have any empanadas left?
Yes, sir, meat empanadas.
Just meat'?
Just meat.
And how much are they?
800 pesos.
I want an empanada. You?
- I'll have one too.
- Okay, me too.
Do you have coffee?
Is it, like,
from a coffee machine?
No, it's instant.
Yes, one coffee
and three empanadas.
Thank you.
He ate a seafood empanada,
and, man,
he puked it all back up
in the middle of the highway.
It was disgusting.
Thank you.
- Very unpleasant.
- Thank you.
That shit was gross.
Thank you, sir.
You can eat it here
if you want.
- All right, thank you.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
He invited this chick
to the north.
I thought he was kidding.
Hello, excuse me.
Where is the town square?
The town square, where is it?
- The town square?
- Yes.
Further up.
Further up? Right, thank you.
Hello.
Do you think I can fit here?
Yeah, right here.
How are you boys doing?
Do you have a cigarette
for me, honey?
Of course.
Here it says,
like I told you before,
that you're going to do well,
that you're going to be happy.
Are you in a relationship?
Are you working?
No, no, not that, see?
Not that.
No, no, no.
Not that, money.
Money. You can't eat with that.
She has to pay! She has to pay!
You're crazy. You're crazy.
Stop, stop, stop!
What happened?
What happened?
Can you explain to me
what happened?
But she gave you a drawing.
She's an American.
She doesn't have
any Chilean money.
Don't bother her anymore.
Sorry about the disturbance.
That girl and that blond.
- Are you okay?
- Yes, yes.
Yes?
Do you have any fresh lettuce?
On the beach!
Ma.
Do you have toilet paper?
What do you prefer? Pisco?
Pisco, whatever, man.
Whose stuff is this?
- Hello.
- Hello, good night.
Hello.
There's no problem
with us being five, right'?
The room is
for four people only.
You'll have to figure it out
yourselves, all right?
Okay, good night. Sleep well.
Thank you.
- Good night.
- Good night.
Good night, thank you.
You're the youngest,
and there's no way
I'm giving up my bed.
What is it'?
No, give it to her, man.
Out the ear?
A dwarf?
- All of it?
- The rest of your life.
All Of it.
Or having a midget chase you
for the rest of your life.
Thank you.
Can you hand me the beer?
We're leaving now.
Yes.
Hello!
Hello!
Hello.
- Hello, excuse us.
- Hello.
Can I ask you something?
Okay.
It's that,
we're here with some friends.
We want to drink some San Pedro,
and we wanted to ask you
if you could sell us
that one over there or a piece.
No.
Really? Why not'?
No, because it's mine.
And...
Are you going to drink it,
or what are you going to do?
No, that one is for me.
Yeah, it's for me.
We can pay you good money
for it.
Do you know
where we can find some?
Not around here.
Almost everyone around here
hides them,
at least the few
that have them.
No, I'm not selling.
I'm not selling my cactus, no.
- Darn.
- Nothing.
Nothing, right. Bye.
I'm busy.
Hello!
Hello.
Hello, ma'am.
Ma'am, could you sell us
some of your San Pedro?
Not the whole thing.
We can pay a good price for it.
My friend has-impossible?
No, there's no chance you might
sell us a little piece?
Right, okay.
I'm sorry. Thank you.
What if we leave?
Can I have the lighter?
Hello!
How are you, ma'am?
Hello.
Good, ma'am, and you?
Good afternoon.
Ma'am, hello.
How are you?
- Hello.
- Hello.
Do you think we could buy
some of your cactus?
Not the whole thing,
but a little piece?
- Please?
- No.
Do you think we could, ma'am?
Please.
I'd have to think about it.
Just a little piece?
I'm not sure about this,
but come on in.
You're not in a hurry, are you?
Yes, thank you.
Very pretty. Very pretty.
- Very pretty.
- Yes, yes.
Your house is very pretty.
There are some chairs
if you want to sit down.
All right.
Thank you very much, ma'am.
About the cactus, yes.
I'd have to think about it.
A little.
Okay, there's no rush.
No, yes, yes.
Your house is very pretty.
I like your cat.
- Yes, it's a cat.
- Yes.
Yes, I really like teddy bears,
anything like that.
That's why I'm carrying
this one around.
He's restless, isn't he?
Yes, don't pay
any attention to him.
He'd like to have
the cactus, but...
And you like the house
and he likes the cactus, no?
Yes.
Can I show you something?
- Sure.
- Look.
The mayor gave it to me,
along with everyone else
who agreed
to present me with an award,
which is why I take
good, good care of it.
- Are you kidding me, man?
- Dude, check it out!
What did she say?
I'd stop too.
Pollo, relax.
Where is my sleeping bag, man?
Right there.
No, a green one.
I don't know.
The thing is that it takes,
like, 12 hours
to cook San Pedro.
Hey, Champa,
tell him to help up.
Here, hand me one.
Fuck, this guy Jamie is kind
of getting on my nerves, man.
Really?
Yeah, you can tell
he's really fucking excited,
but whatever, man.
It's the San Pedro.
Just think that he came all
the way to Chile for that thing.
Hey, these tents
are fucking ancient, man.
They don't even have stakes.
Made a mistake, kissed a snake.
How many doctors will it take?
Hey, hand me that stick.
No, man, I know how
to pitch a tent.
Lel, come on!
Come on, Lel!
No, just say it in Spanish.
Yeah.
What I'm most scared of
are people
that have, like, bad intentions
and not realizing about them.
Thank you.
Man, Champa, please translate.
What the fuck is she saying?
That in 2012,
there's going to be a change,
because it's the end
of the Mayan calendar,
and that her fear, finally,
is that, like,
humanity won't be able
to achieve this change,
which is a total transformation
of man.
The magic pebbles,
do you have them?
Here, Champa.
Your magic pebble.
Thank you.
Do it, pussy.
In the throat.
That shit was gross.
Did you drink the whole thing?
But do you feel like puking?
No, not yet.
No. I don't know.
It was really gross.
But whatever.
Just get ready
for what's coming later.
Dude, Crystal Hairy
is losing it.
Check it out.
Yeah, but she's just doing
her thing.
It's not the San Pedro.
It's two hours, so...
Let's go, man, please.
Hey, Jamie's kind of pale,
isn't he?
Don't be an idiot, Pilo.
All right, let's not pay
attention to him for a while.
Man, shall we go to the water?
You didn't drink
the San Pedro, Pilo.
No.
Fuck, you fat-ass, man.
I think I want a beer, man.
What's Pollo doing?
All right. Let's trap Jamie.
Wrap him up, dude.
She was, like, sad, man.
What, is he going
to apologize to her?
Yeah.
What is that shit?
But it's cool, man.
A bad experience.
But anyway, you got to talk
to those whale guys.
You still had a good time.