D.E.B.S. (2004) Movie Script

There is a secret test
hidden within the SA T.
This test does not measure
a student's aptitude...
...at reading, writing
and arithmetic.
It measures
a student's innate ability...
...to lie, cheat, fight and kill.
Those who score well are recruited
into a secret paramilitary academy.
Some call them seductresses.
Some call them spies.
Fools call them innocent.
They call themselves D.E.B.S.
Good morning, D.E.B.S.
Attention, D.E.B.S.!
Attention! Emergency alert!
That means report right now!
Right this second!
You have no time to sleep, ladies!
Go, go, go!
-And I mean now, ladies!
The world might be destroyed
while you nap!
Come on.
Phipps is freaking out.
-I need you guys up!
-Five minutes.
And no boys allowed upstairs.
-Let's go! I want everybody up!
-Janet. Five minutes.
-Have you seen my gun?
Move it, move it!
Everybody in the house!
What did I do with it?
D.E.B.S. Max here.
Amy, it's for you.
Hello. No. No! I'm not--
I'm not talking about this anymore.
Get out.
And take your clothes with you.
I don't do laundry.
Let's go! Let's go, let's go!
Move it, move it, move it!
I don't have all day, D.E.B.S.
I do not have all day!
-Bobby, seriously, it's not a good time.
-When? When is a good time?
-Stop calling.
-Five. Four. Three.
-I'm coming.
After all we've been through?
-Two, one.
-Goodbye, Bobby.
I broke up with Bobby.
-I broke up with Bobby.
-Oh, my God! Why?
-He was just so boring.
He's an ass.
I like him. I think he's sweet.
-I'm just not in love.
I said, I want to be in love!
Why are you yelling?
-Hi, Amy.
-Hey, Mr. P.
-Don't call me that.
-Hey, Mr. P.
-What's up, Mr. P?
Bonjour, Mr. P.
Hey, can I get a farmer's daughter
short stack and bacon, well done.
Tofu scramble, peach smoothie,
-Cheeseburger, extra pickles.
-Coffee, black.
We have a special guest with us
this morning.
-Ms. Petrie.
-Ms. Petrie?
-Ms. Petrie.
-Ms. Petrie?
She never comes down here!
I just want to say what
a pleasure it is to meet you.
No time for pleasantries.
Phipps, a matter of some urgency
has come to my attention.
Lucy Diamond is back in the States.
-Oh, my God.
-Oh, shit.
I'm writing my thesis on her.
I expect to be kept
in the loop on this one.
Let's show some hustle.
-I can't believe she's back.
-Who's Lucy Diamond?
Lucy Diamond.
She's the last surviving member
of the Reynolds crime syndicate.
Her family did battle
with the Schaffers...
...in a vicious blood feud
that lasted a decade.
After her father's death, she inherited
the keys to his kingdom:
Illegal arms-running,
smuggling, gambling...
...and her specialty, diamond theft.
She's protected by a loyal band
of mercenaries, led by this man...
It is believed Lucy Diamond was
behind the plot to sink Australia in '99.
Three attempts have been made
to apprehend her. All failed.
In 2003 she went underground...
...and has not been seen
or heard from since.
-That's not even the bad part.
What's the bad part?
No one has ever fought her...
...and lived to tell about it.
Peach smoothie, farmer's daughter,
tofu scramble and cheeseburger.
So why do you think
she's back in town?
Our intel suggests she's in town to
meet this woman. Ninotchka Kaprova.
Ex-KGB, now freelance assassin.
They're scheduled to meet tonight,
2000 hours.
Find out what Lucy is up to.
Strictly surveillance.
Do not try to apprehend her
yourselves. Max, you're in charge.
Amy, you're second.
And, D.E.B.S., be careful.
What does a reclusive
criminal mastermind want...
...with a Russian trained killer?
Your scheduled meet,
2000 hours.
-Where'd you find her?
-Zeda tipped us.
Said she's available. She's in
from Prague. Relocating stateside.
-Where's the meet?
-Les Deux Amours.
Trendy, yet discreet.
Cancel it.
Why? It's all set up.
-I don't do blind dates.
-Well, it's not a blind date...
-...if you know what they look like.
-Tell her I'm not coming.
-Say I came down with something.
-Lucy, it's been two years.
-You have to get out there.
-I am out there.
I went out with that drummer,
the girl that talked loud.
You didn't go out with her.
We all went out together.
Then you lied and said you had food
poisoning, and you went home early.
Yeah, well, she talked really loud,
even when you were right next to her.
I know what you're trying to do.
You're trying to drown yourself...
...in your little schemes to destroy
the world, but you need to get over it.
-You were dumped.
-I was not dumped.
Oh, you were dumped hard.
And that sucks.
You took time off
to go to Antarctica or whatever.
Reykjavik. It's in Iceland.
But now it's time to get back
in the game, Lucy.
You've got a date tonight with
a beautiful Russian assassin...
...and you're gonna show up.
Okay, I'll go. I'll be there.
Just promise me you'll be open.
-Open to what?
-Open to love.
Hey, look. Look. Check this out.
Ms. Petrie is handpicking girls
for the International Bureau.
I'm gonna see if
I can get an interview.
Think Mr. Phipps would let me
take time off after endgame?
What are you talking about?
I don't know. There's this
art school in Barcelona.
Art school?
You're the perfect score.
You could have your choice...
...of any assignment you want
after endgame.
-Who's your best friend?
-You are my best friend.
What did I say to you
the very first day of academy?
"That's my bunk, bitch."
-Okay, after I said that.
-"D.E.B.S. stick together."
We've been through four years
of hell, and now we're top squad.
We're just getting to the good stuff.
So you're not gonna ruin it all
by going to art school.
-Am I right?
-Yes. You are always right.
You need to put it here.
Don't be an idiot for once.
You need to speak
English or French.
"Fringlish" is not a language.
-D.E.B.S. Janet speaking. Over.
-Janet, put her on.
-It's Bobby.
-I don't wanna talk to him.
-She doesn't want to talk to you. Over.
-Bullshit! I need to talk to her.
Copy that.
He really needs to see you.
He should not call her.
It is embarrassing.
Bobby, I told you, it's over.
-We've gotta talk.
I'm serious. No.
Amy, we need to talk.
Jesus, Bobby,
what are you doing here?
Think you guys are the only ones
onto Diamond? Everyone's here:
The feds, the CIA.
-Can't believe it.
-This is our stakeout.
Always sticking their heads
in our business. It's unbelievable.
Could you guys excuse us
for a minute?
Why do you have to be
such a jerk about everything?
When my girlfriend breaks
up with me for no reason...
-...l'm a little hostile.
-It's not for no reason.
-Then give me one.
-I just want more.
-More what?
-I don't know.
-What are they saying?
-I'm not gonna spy on them.
You are a spy, dipshit.
-Is there somebody else?
-No. Nobody.
-Because if there's somebody else--
-Look, I just--
-I'm not in love with you.
I guess nobody's good enough
for Little Miss Perfect Score.
Shut up!
Oh, yeah, you'll be back.
You can do this.
Why is it I can hold the whole world
...l'm scared of going on
one blind date?
Because love is harder
than crime.
Okay, now, knock them dead.
But not really.
-Are you okay?
-Hey, she's arrived.
Okay, we've got visual.
Hi. Sorry I'm late. I got lost.
It is no problem. I was early.
-I have that sweater.
I have the sweater
she's wearing, but in taupe.
Really? Where did you get it?
-No way.
I'll have the Cobb.
And some wine.
-Do you--? Do you want wine?
Vodka. Please.
Lucy Diamond, she's....
-I never thought I'd see her in person.
They also have it in teal.
So you're an assassin?
How's that work?
It's mostly freelance.
So you basically, what,
you kill, like, whoever?
Sometimes maim.
-Maiming's more.
-What are they saying?
They are talking about killing
and how to kill and who to kill.
-Oh, God.
-But I do it just to pay bills.
...I want to be dancer.
-Yeah. Can I have my bracelet back?
-What are you doing?
My dad got that
when he graduated Quantico.
Greatest dance instructor in Russia,
but I can't afford to pay, so he say:
"My wife is cheating on me. You kill
her lover, I give you free lessons."
Fine, okay. Oh, my gosh.
First man was goat farmer,
so I use goat shears.
Second man, he likes chickens, so I
took six chickens and put in thro--
-What's wrong?
-Oh, you know, I just--
I'm feeling really ill.
It's my stomach. l--
-I think I have food poisoning.
-Are you blowing me?
-Are you blowing me off?
-No, no, no.
Let's do this.
-Was it something I said?
-No. No. Look, I just--
I just got back into town,
you know? And-- And--
-And I just got out of this relationship--
-I'm not asking for relationship!
It's not you. You seem really nice,
you do. It's me.
Baby, I can change.
I'm just not interested.
Then only you will die alone.
Head Lucy off.
Me and Dom will take the back.
Mr. Phipps specifically ordered us
not to engage her.
-Who here isn't gonna graduate?
-I haven't earned my stripes.
Oh, would that be this thing here?
And why is that?
You need to give me
a recommendation.
I don't see why you just won't--
Not what I asked.
I need to show courage in the face
of unspeakable danger.
So quit your whining
and follow my orders.
Let's go!
Okay. I'll check the parking lot.
You go that way.
-Stay in communication range.
-But Mr.--
You can do this, Janet.
Janet, are you there?
-Oh, shit!
-Oh, my God.
-I am so sorry.
-I'm so sorry.
-Oh, my God.
-Oh, shit.
-You're Lucy Diamond.
-You're a D.E.B.
You have the right to remain silent.
-You're reading me my rights?
-Anything you say can...
...and will be used against you.
-Okay, here's the thing.
-I am really not up for dying today.
-Me neither.
So I was thinking that....
-Why don't you put your gun down.
-Put yours down.
You're the criminal, and I'm the cop,
so I think I'm more trustworthy.
I was minding my own business
on a blind date...
...when you guys decided
to rain shit all over me.
-You were on a blind date?
-With that Russian girl?
Nothing. I just--
I didn't know you were a--
Why would you know?
-That really torpedoes my thesis.
-Your thesis?
I'm writing a term paper on you.
-You're kidding me.
-No, it's for Capes and Capers:
Gender Reconstruction
and the Criminal Mastermind.
-It's a really popular class.
-Oh, come on.
But it's hard because there's
only anecdotal evidence about you.
I mean, nobody's actually
ever spoken to you.
Until now.
Right. Until now.
I'm sorry. I didn't get your name.
Amy. Bradshaw.
D.E.B.S. Sector 1.
Lucy Diamond.
It's really nice to meet you.
You're still, you know,
under arrest.
-Am I?
Or you could
just let me go.
-I really couldn't.
-Come on.
Haven't you ever done anything
you're not supposed to?
-Amy, where are you?
-I'm over here.
Son of a bitch!
Are you okay?
We couldn't reach you.
-I'm fine.
-Well, what happened?
She was here.
-Lucy Diamond was here.
-That's impossible.
If she was here,
you'd be dead right now.
You guys....
Sweet Jesus.
Do you know what this means?
You are the only one ever
to fight Lucy Diamond...
...and live to tell about it.
What a disaster!
I am so sorry.
Leave it to the D.E.B.S.
You're in town a week, and
they're all over you, just grabbing--
-Really, what?
-I met somebody.
It was weird,
the thing about the dance...
...but I had a feeling
you and Ninotchka--
No, no, no. Scud,
Ninotchka was a train wreck.
I'm not following you.
Okay, first, swear to me you are
not gonna freak out about this.
-Freak out about what?
-You know, sometimes--
Oh, my God! Who is it?
Okay, what do you know
about an Amy Bradshaw?
Amy Bradshaw. The girl
from the smuggling op.
Oh, my God.
Amy Bradshaw?
Blond hair.
Plaid skirt.
She's a D.E.B.
Okay, not only is she a D.E.B...
...she is the D.E.B.
She is the perfect score.
What is that supposed to mean?
Amy Bradshaw is
the only person ever...
...to get a perfect score
on the secret test in the SAT.
-Give me the keys.
-Are you listening?
Perfect score means perfect spy.
She is their pride and joy,
she is literally their poster child.
Well, their poster child doesn't
know it yet, but she's into me.
You can't be serious.
Would you say back on the horse?
Where are you going?
P.S. She's straight!
You stay here.
Lucy, I beg of you--
All right, D.E.B.S.
Show me what you're made of.
-Oh, my God!
Okay, just hold on.
-What are you doing here?
-I wanted to see you.
Well, I was thinking about what
you said about your paper.
My thesis?
I think it's stupid for you
to do outdated research...
...when you could come
straight to the source.
Come out with me.
I'll let you ask me anything.
-I can't go out with you.
-Why not?
Like, a zillion reasons.
Well, now you have
to come out with me.
Janet, what are you doing here?
I don't know who that is,
but he ruined my sweater!
-I don't know who you think you are.
-Janet, no!
Did you go to Dalton?
-Where are you taking us?
-Where do you want to go?
What are you doing?
Come on.
Look, these tunnels
go on for miles...
...so you guys could be lost
in there for days, even weeks.
Okay. Suit yourself.
I have to pee.
-Want a beer?
Come on.
Sit down.
So how long you been a D.E.B.?
You're gonna have to talk to me
sooner or later.
I don't know what you expect
to accomplish by bringing me here.
Lighten up. I know there are a load of
questions you're just dying to ask me.
Come on, tell me about your thesis.
-It's stupid.
-Well, try me.
I guess my central hypothesis...
...is that as a woman operating
in a male-dominated field...
...you felt the need
to overcompensate...
...by being exponentially
more ruthless and diabolical...
...than your established
male counterparts.
I am not more ruthless.
I think an argument could be made
that you are, i.e. we're here.
That's interesting.
And I think that these
psychological forces combine...
...to create a kind of emotional void...
...in which you're incapable
of loving or being loved.
-See, that is so not true.
-I'm open to love. I am!
-I'm sorry. It's just a theory.
Well, what the hell do you know
about it anyway?
I just broke up with my boyfriend,
like, five hours ago.
I'm sorry, that sucks.
Why did you break up with him?
I don't know, it just, it wasn't....
I think love should be irresistible,
like a drug.
I think when it happens you should
just not be able to help yourself.
I just-- I wanted...
You're not at all.
This is so weird. I....
-Why aren't you killing me?
-Not into that.
But you killed those agents
in Antarctica.
They died of frostbite or something.
I never even met them.
-And those ATF guys in Peru?
You're so not what I expected.
Well, I think that's a good thing.
-So, what's up with Ninotchka?
-Oh, God, she was such a headcase.
-Where do you meet someone like that?
-Jesus Christ!
Correct me if I'm wrong...
...but your friend appears
to be hitting on my friend.
-You're not wrong.
-Yeah, but my friend's not into that.
So Bobby's just, like, all over me,
and I just--
I just feel like he doesn't get me,
you know?
Do you ever feel like
nobody understands you?
Yes, all the time.
I am really glad I met you.
I'm really glad I met you too.
I should go.
Am I gonna see you again?
Do you wanna see me again?
I mean, I'm breaking,
like, eight federal statutes...
-...being here with you right now.
-Yes, I know.
I could get kicked out
of the D.E.B.S. for this.
For what?
Oh, my God!
She almost kissed you.
You almost let her!
You owe me 50 bucks.
-Take me home.
-It's okay.
-Take me home.
-Well, when can I see you again?
-You can't.
-Come on.
-I'm serious. We cannot do this again.
I have to go.
I'm gonna come find you.
-What just happened?
-Nothing happened.
She was totally going to kiss you.
You're so into her.
I am not!
You violated a prime directive.
Plus, hello, it's a girl.
-You're so busted.
-No, I'm not.
You violated the section codes
as much as me.
D.E.B.S. Code Section 1, Article 2:
"D.E.B.S. will not consort with a known
enemy, under penalty of treason."
I was not consorting.
-You exchanged e-mails with Scud.
-That's not the same.
You got drunk and nearly got
the chancellor of Bulgaria killed.
-That wasn't my fault.
-Remember how I covered for you?
I never told anybody.
If Max found about that...
...you would never ever get
your stripes and never graduate.
-I can't believe you.
-Not a word. Nothing happened.
Where have you been?
I couldn't sleep, so I took a walk.
I was really upset...
...about Bobby.
Yeah, Bobby.
Oh, yeah. I forgot, I'm sorry.
-Are you okay?
-Yeah, I'm fine.
You know, I can't stop thinking
about Lucy Diamond.
-You too?
-Yeah, I feel like she's playing...
...some type of sick game
of cat and mouse with us.
I don't know.
Hey, but you guys
be careful, okay?
Good night.
Yeah. Be careful.
Oh, my God, is it true?
Did you fight Lucy Diamond?
I heard you cut off her hand.
Does she have her hand?
Yes, she still has both of her hands.
-Everybody's talking about it.
-About what?
How you met Lucy
and lived to tell about it.
They're calling you a hero,
when, really, you're a slut.
-You shut up.
-A gay slut.
-I'm not gay!
-Ms. Petrie wants to see you.
What? Janet!
-What's going on?
-Madam Petrie.
-She's coming down.
-Here? Why?
She never comes here.
-Ms. Petrie, I would just like to say--
-Who are you?
-Max Brewer.
-Max Brewer, my time is precious.
-You're wasting it. Where's the girl?
-Bradshaw comma Amy?
Excellent. Well, take one over here.
Right there.
Excellent. Sit.
Let me just say how delighted
I am to meet you.
When I heard that one
of our own girls...
...had actually engaged Lucy Diamond
and lived to tell the tale....
I mean, Fred, over at
Central Intelligence...
...nearly peed his pants,
he was so jealous.
This stunt is really going to
put the academy on the map.
Lisa from Interpol called
to extend her congratulations.
I'll bet.
This is just too much fun!
Now, Alice--
We are going to need a description
of the encounter.
-The encounter?
-Everything that happened...
...no matter how small
or seemingly irrelevant.
-To develop a profile, of course.
Nobody's ever been this close
to Lucy Diamond before.
You, for all intents and purposes,
are our leading expert.
I don't think I'm an expert at all.
You underestimate yourself.
I took the liberty of accessing
your private files.
-"It's a Man's World:
Lucy Diamond and the Psychology
of Cultural Criminality."
-Oh, God.
-"Lucy Diamond...
...is at once a narcissistic sociopath
and a victimized girl-child...
...eternally searching for
the love of her father.
Her crimes could be viewed
as a desperate cry for help.
The more she steals,
the deeper her feeling of emptiness."
I think you identify
with Lucy Diamond.
I think she sees your pathos.
You've got some dangerous
union symbiosis going on.
What's that movie with Jodie and the
dog falls in the well with the lotion?
-Silence of the Lambs.
-You're the lamb, Amy.
We can use that to our advantage.
I'm putting you in charge
of this investigation.
You are hereby promoted
to squad captain.
Is there a problem?
Excuse me, ma'am, but I am
the captain of this squad.
Brewer. There is a killer on the loose.
There is no time for egos.
This is not the Girl Scouts,
this is espionage!
We have a chance
to do something here.
You have a chance
to do something.
Don't let us down.
Ready your troops.
You head out at 1400.
That's all.
-Max. Max.
I didn't mean for this to happen,
I swear. I don't even wanna be captain.
That's just it.
You don't even want it.
Boys fall at your feet, the school
kisses your ass...
...and Mrs. Petrie makes you
squad captain.
You'd be just as happy drawing
in your stupid little book.
I don't understand why you have
to take away...
...the only thing I have going for me.
-Oh, Max--
It's fine.
-Just promise me one thing.
You catch the bitch.
Lucy Diamond's on the move!
Robbery in progress! Code 99!
The bank employees
are being held hostage.
Lucy and her cohorts
are still inside.
Apprehend the suspect,
recover the money.
The bank is coming up
on your left.
D.E.B.S., be careful.
D.E.B.S. spotted en route.
E TA two minutes.
Copy that.
D.E.B.S. en route, two minutes.
Do I look okay?
This is retarded.
The plan?
Oh, okay. Formation
Alpha Kappa Gamma.
Let's do this!
What was that?
She's here.
She's watching us.
Come here.
I can't.
-Come here.
-I can't.
What are you doing?
Nothing. Let's go.
We'll be right back.
Wait, wait, wait. Hold on, hold on.
-It's a trap.
Why are you giving me
such a hard time?
This is great.
If you're gonna do the job,
do the job right.
Creepy shadows, no bad guys,
enclosed space. Trap.
-You think I can't handle it?
I know that you can't handle it.
I don't care if you are
the perfect score.
Perfect whore.
You wouldn't know Alpha Gamma
if it was tattooed on your forehead.
-This is stupid. We are going to die.
No, it's okay.
As your senior officer...
...I order you
to secure the vault, soldier.
-You order me?
-You heard me.
See, that wasn't so hard.
I think you guys owe me an ap--
-What are you doing here?
-I wanted to apologize for last night.
I was-- I was out of line.
-You have to release them.
The hostages.
And put back the money.
This thing has gotten
way out of hand.
Damn it! Damn it! Damn it!
Please don't smoke.
Oh, my God,
tell her not to smoke.
There's not enough oxygen.
We're gonna run out of air...
...and we're gonna be all faint...
...and the air that's gonna be left
is gonna be toxic.
This is bullshit.
This cannot get any worse.
Don't you understand?
I can't be here.
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to stress you out.
I'm not stressed out!
-No. No!
-This is not possible.
I'm such a freak.
You must think I'm a freak.
-I don't.
-I'm sorry I wigged out last night.
-It's okay.
-It's just...
...I don't want you to get
the wrong idea.
-Yeah, okay.
-I mean....
-I mean, I really like you.
But I don't, like, like you.
Yeah. Yeah, I gathered.
That's why I brought you here,
so we could clear the air between us.
It's really sweet of you
to go to all this trouble...
...the chute and all. But my friends
are gonna wonder where I am.
-No, they're not.
No reason.
-Going to be squashed!
-Oh, no! Oh, no!
-Oh, my God. Lucy!
-Come on.
It's not like they're gonna die
or anything.
No! No! Oh, no!
Let them out. I'm serious.
Okay. Jesus. Booby trap
deactivated. Happy?
That wasn't funny.
It was kind of funny.
I can't.
-I gotta go.
-No, no, I'll go.
I understand this whole thing
isn't gonna work out between us...
...because, obviously, I misinterpreted
the whole situation. But....
I just want you to know that last night
was the most alive I've felt in a while.
So I guess I'll see you around.
Same Bat-time or whatever.
Come with me.
Come on.
What do you have to lose?
Oh, my gosh.
Lucy Diamond has Amy.
You guys, she's been kidnapped.
A D.E.B. is down.
We will spare no expense.
We will leave no rock unturned.
We will not rest until we see
that she comes back safely.
No, no!
No way! Are you... ?
I know.
Amy, where are you?
I know you're out playing hooky
with Lucy...
...but they have the whole school
looking for you. Bobby, everybody.
Call me.
You know where she is?
Do you know where she is?
How about this?
Do you wanna answer me?
Amy, oh, my God, if you don't
come back, I'm telling.
I am telling your mother. I'm calling
her and telling her right now.
Seriously, Amy, I'm sorry I left
such a mean message. Just....
Please, come home.
So then this mysterious man
shows up at my high school...
...and hands me this letter
which is, like:
"Congratulations, you've just been
accepted into Jameson University."
And I'm like, "I didn't apply
to Jameson University."
The government's
freaky that way.
So, what does it measure,
this secret test in the SAT?
I don't know.
-You never asked?
-No. It measures spy stuff.
-It's just weird that you let...
...this test decide what you're gonna
be, and you don't even know what it is.
It doesn't decide what I'm gonna be.
It's an aptitude test.
It measures aptitude, I guess.
-You should do what you're good at.
-No, you should do what you love.
I am doing what I love.
-Why are you psychoanalyzing me?
-I'm not psychoanalyzing you.
I mean, just because I'm not
some badass master criminal...
...doesn't mean that
what I do is not important.
-I didn't say it wasn't important.
-Do you love a life of crime?
-Yeah, I do.
-So you get a kick out of...
...taking money from hard-working,
honest people.
-What is your problem?
-I just--
-I don't think you should judge me.
-I'm not.
I'm not the one that got picked
out of a gajillion people...
...to be Miss Super-Duper
Crime-Fighting Goody-Two-Shoes.
I've never been perfect at anything.
...I didn't even wanna be a criminal.
I wanted to be a pirate.
Pirates are criminals.
I wanted to go to art school.
-Art school?
-In Barcelona.
-You should go, you should do it.
After I make the world safe
from people like you.
I don't know what the test saw in me.
Everybody thinks I am gonna
make this perfect spy but me.
I guess I'm proving them
all wrong now.
Is that what you're doing with me?
Sabotaging your spy career?
I'm here because I feel more
like me when I'm with you...
...than I do when I'm with me.
Look, let's just...
...forget we're here, okay?
Let's pretend we're in Barcelona,
you're in art school...
...and I'm renting sailboats
to tourists.
And nobody is a superhero,
nobody is a villain, we're just us.
Max here.
This better be really good.
-You are the D.E.B.S. ?
-Who is this?
I know where your friend is.
We've got a lead on Amy. Let's go.
Oh, no, no, no....
Get your ass over here.
We got a lead on Amy.
And no boys upstairs
after curfew.
Pick up, pick up, pick up....
-My God. I'm so sorry.
-Did you just snap my bra?
-Yeah, you did.
-That hasn't happened since 6th grade.
-I was trying to be smooth.
-What? You did it first.
-You're dead.
And bingo!
I am the god of Bingo.
Bingo. Bingo. Bingo.
Damn it!
-Say mercy. Come on. Say mercy.
-No. No. No.
-Do you give? Do you gi--?
Do you love me?
Come on.
What the hell?
I couldn't stop them.
-You look nice.
-What are you doing?
Let's go.
Oh, God.
It is not what you think.
I hope it was worth it.
You really should
check your messages.
Look, it'll be okay.
No, it won't.
This is a nightmare.
This is--
This is not happening.
Are you kidding me?
We conduct a nationwide
manhunt for you...
...and you're boning the suspect?
What did you think this was,
a joke?
"Let's divert federal resources
and man-hours...
...so I can have my collegiate
lesbian fling in style."
I was doing research.
I'll bet.
Treason. Consorting
with the enemy.
Aiding and abetting.
I'm going to be the laughingstock
of the entire intelligence community.
I am going to send you
so far away...
...that luxuries like
toilet paper and Diet Coke...
...will be as a distant dream to you.
Ms. Petrie.
Is somebody talking to me?
Because that would be extremely
ill-advised right now.
Ms. Petrie, this infraction is
a considerable embarrassment...
-...to you and the academy, right?
-Have I not been speaking in English?
Well, there is a way that
we can turn it all around.
Make Amy D.E.B. of the year
next week at endgame.
Nobody knows
what happened tonight but us.
What good would it do to send
Amy to Siberia? Nothing.
Your pride and joy will be disgraced,
and for what?
So here's what we're gonna do.
Tomorrow we're gonna go
to class...
...and we're gonna report
that we rescued Amy...
...just in the nick of time.
And Amy is gonna act
traumatized but cool.
And she will go to endgame
on Saturday with Bobby.
And she'll give a speech
about how she battled Lucy...
...and lived to fight another day.
And you, Ms. Petrie, will get
another feather in your cap.
And we don't lose a valued member
of our team.
But she's obviously in love
with our nemesis.
How can I make sure
she won't run off again?
Well, let's ask her.
The Amy that I know...
...wouldn't sell out her friends
and her country for some supervillain.
The Amy that I know...
...she must have been
brainwashed or something.
Maybe Lucy was doing some type
of experiments with mind control.
Because the Amy that I know
would never...
...ever betray us like that.
You didn't know
what you were doing, right?
And there's no way
that you're in love with her?
No. No way.
-You'll keep her secret?
-Are you kidding?
No way I'm telling.
Perhaps we can chalk this up
to the indiscretions of youth.
I underestimated you, Brewer.
Good work.
I'll remember this
when I review applications...
...for the International Bureau.
Have Miss Bradshaw vetted
for information she may have...
...on Diamond's whereabouts.
She is to be placed on
round-the-clock lockdown...
...only out for missions and class.
Be grateful you have friends
who care for you.
Too bad it's more
than they can say for you.
D.E.B.S. stick together.
But do not misunderstand me,
I do not forgive you.
-And you.
I don't even wanna look at you.
You let me go on this whole time
believing that she was in trouble.
You can forget about
that recommendation.
Well, you're not
as boring as I thought...
...but you are not as bright either.
Janet, I am so sorry.
All I ever wanted
was to earn my stripes.
Because I believe in it, you know?
I believe in what we do.
And now....
-Where is Lucy now?
-I don't know.
Are you gonna see her again?
So you and me going
to endgame together?
Yeah. I guess.
I still love you.
I know you still love me too.
My dad got this on a drug bust
in Malaysia.
...l've been thinking.
That whole lezzy thing...
...it's kind of hot.
See you tonight, babe.
You did the right thing.
How do you do that?
For a top-secret installation,
your security really is for shit.
-You can't be here.
-Oh, I know.
You say you can't see me,
and then I see you anyway.
-It's kind of this little game we play.
-Get out.
Is this about your friends?
Because if it is...
...I can just talk to them, you know.
We can work out some sort
of dtente.
-I said, get out. I'm warning you.
You have to go now.
It's your stupid friends. Why don't you
just think for yourself for a change.
She's gone.
Are you okay?
I thought you were different!
She thinks I'm bad news?
Oh, I'll give her bad news.
-What are you doing?
-Australia's toast.
-What's wrong with Australians?
-I don't like their attitude.
Okay. Hey, come on.
Scud, I don't know how this
happened to me, but...
...being bad doesn't
feel good anymore.
Do you love her?
You're willing to give up all this...
...the life of crime,
the whole nine yards?
Whatever it takes.
All right, then.
We're going in.
We gots to get her back.
In a remarkable twist,
sums of stolen money...
...have been reappearing
in bank accounts.
Authorities are trying to determine
the location of these wire transfers...
...however, have been unsuccessful
at this time.
The Louvre received a surprise
package this morning...
...a shipment of stolen paintings
estimated to be worth $ 15 million.
Insider sources say that the artwork
was originally taken...
...by notorious supervillain
Lucy Diamond.
She's out there somewhere.
It's time for plan B.
-There's a plan B?
-Getting ready for tonight?
-Hey, Mr. P.
Tell me, Amy,
how are you getting along?
Okay, I guess.
You know, I've found
that in this business...
...there isn't much room for love.
Love requires trust,
and trust requires honesty.
-Mr. P., can I ask you a question?
-Of course.
I got a perfect score
on the secret test in the SAT.
-Yes, you did.
-...what does that test measure?
-I'm sorry?
I mean, Dominique
is a sex addict.
Janet, she has a couple
of shoplifting convictions.
Max? Well, she's
borderline psychotic.
But nothing in my past indicated
that I'd be good at being a spy.
...why did I get a perfect score?
The test measures
your ability to lie.
You are a perfect liar.
Don't get me wrong.
Perfect liars make perfect spies.
The rest we can teach,
but subterfuge...
...that comes naturally.
Look, have fun tonight.
Endgame only happens
once a year.
Enjoy yourself.
-Okay, what's the plan?
-There's security here, here and here.
We'll infiltrate through the rooftop
and take out the guards here.
Through the vents,
rappel down the elevator shaft...
...and then bungee-jump
down to the dance floor.
Okay, check. What next?
"Tell her that you love her."
Scud, that's your plan?
-That's not a plan!
-War is easy. Love is hard.
Okay, so how's this?
"My tour of duty
behind enemy lines...
...has taught me to remain
vigilant to my core values:
Bravery, loyalty and justice.
And so it is a great honor
for me to accept this award...."
Blah, blah, blah.
What if she really loves her?
I mean, what if Lucy
makes her happy?
If you were really her best friend,
you'd probably let her go.
You can't decide
matters of the heart.
It is madness to try.
It's time.
Okay, so I just wrote down
a couple words...
...explaining our version
of what happened...
...and expressing your gratitude
at being honored.
...l'm sorry that we've been fighting.
It's just I really want
what's best for you.
I know.
All right. Your speech.
Attention, D.E.B.S.!
Once in a blue moon...
...an exceptional young lady
comes along...
...who truly exemplifies
what it means to be a D.E.B.
Discipline. Energy. Beauty.
Lucy Diamond's been spotted
infiltrating the--
Secure every entrance
to this place, every floor.
Nobody gets in or out
without my say-so.
Game over, Diamond.
I have spent my life defending
this great country of ours...
...and I have learned one thing:
That sometimes
it's not on the battlefield...
...where true courage is shown.
Amy Bradshaw survived
one of the worst tragedies...
...that could happen to a young lady.
...held hostage...
...for seven terrible days.
-Matthews here.
-We're not seeing her.
Look again!
What fears she may have known,
none of us can fully appreciate.
But she has agreed to tell us
part of what she learned...
...on her journey.
It gives me great pleasure tonight
to give our greatest honor...
...the Mary Jane...
...to our very own perfect score...
...Amy Bradshaw!
"Courage" is a big word.
I did not know what courage
meant to me...
...until I endured
seven agonizing days...
...in captivity...
...captured and held hostage
by a madwoman.
-We've got nothing here.
It was a routine mission
gone terribly wrong.
I was separated from my squad
and knocked unconscious.
I awoke in the arms of the enemy.
Just the sound of my own desperate
thoughts to keep me company.
If there is corruption in this city,
Lucy Diamond is behind it.
If there is indecency to be found,
she is the root.
If there is evil in this world,
its name is Lucy Diamond.
It's not until moments like this...
...when you are forced
to take stock of yourself...
...that you see what you are made of.
It's not until moments like this...
...when you have to remember
what's right and true...
...because it's moments like this
when you discover...
...what it truly means
to be a D.E.B.
Which is why I can't accept
this award from you tonight.
Because the truth is...
...the time I spent with Lucy Diamond
were the happiest days of my life.
And the only brave thing
I've done this whole time...
...is what I'm doing now.
So if you'll excuse me...
...I have a date with the devil.
-Oh, my God!
-Was that in the speech?
No, that's not in the speech.
Son of a--
Hostile has escaped and is on the run
heading towards sector 12.
It's Lucy Diamond! She's here!
Everybody, run for your lives!
Let's do this.
Oh, shit.
-We've gotta stop meeting like this.
-I'm so sorry. I didn't even know what--
Get a room.
-You are AWOL, soldier.
-Max, please.
-Not helping!
-My bad.
-Can't you see...
...she's breaking up the D.E.B.S.?
What did I tell you
the first time I met you?
High-protein diets were overrated.
After that.
-That we'd always be friends.
-I meant it.
If you break her heart, I will
hunt you down and kill you.
I'm counting on you
to keep her honest.
I will.
You guys better get going.
I never really liked you...
...but I'm sad to see you go.
-So where are you going to?
-I think, Barcelona.
I'll miss you.
-Can I have your room?
Rule the school.
I always do.
There's a service exit that way.
Good luck.
And, Amy...
...be careful.
-Which way did they go?
-They went that way.
-Don't say I never gave you nothing.
-My stripes?
-Thank you!
-You're welcome.
Okay, okay. That's enough,
that's enough.
I was wondering
if maybe you wanted--
I didn't ask you anything yet.
Whatever it is, yes.