Dealin' with Idiots (2013) Movie Script

[film projector whirring]
[phonographic record
"Take Me Out
to the Ball Game. "
Sung by Edward Meeker,
Edison Records.
[music ends]
I know I've been outta town.
I've missed a lot of games, but...
How's it going?
You enjoying baseball?
Not really.
What do you mean,
"not really?"
I'm just not good at it.
Not good at it?
Yeah, I think you're good.
No. Out of every person on
my team, I'm the worst.
I'm surprised. You must
have a really good team,
then, if you're the worst.
Let me tell you something.
You gotta do a lot of bad,
bad shows...
before you become
a great comedian.
Do you know how many
shows I did
that I stunk up the place?
I betcha a million.
I bet you a million.
Literally, a million.
So, I think the more you
play baseball,
- the better you're gonna be.
- Yeah.
Just like me with comedy.
And who's funnier than
your dad? Anybody?
- No.
- Nobody!
- Right?
- Right.
Am I the funniest guy
you know?
Yup. Funniest guy...
Well, you're my favorite
baseball player.
So there you go.
All right, go run ahead.
I'll meet you up there.
Wait, wait, wait...
Your bat. All right?
All right.
[bouncy, jazzy
organ music ]
Max Morris?
Oh my God.
My girlfriend is gonna faint
when she hears
Let me just get her
on the phone.
- Hi.
- Hi. All right...
Okay. No, no, no, no.
Guess, guess who's
standing in front of me?
The... your most favorite
comedian world. Okay?
Yes! Max Morris!
And he wants to
talk to you.
No. He's, he's begging me.
He wants to talk to you.
Wait. Hold on one sec.
Here, here.
- Would you just say "hello," please?
- No, no, no. Seriously.
My kid's playing
in the game.
I gotta get going.
Please, it would mean
so much to her.
No, I'm sorry.
But have a nice day.
Really. Sorry.
Did you hear that bastard?
Let's hear some chatter
out there! Phht!
[cheers and applause]
Learn to slide!
Let's go! Move it!
Slide! Slide! Slide!
Good job!
Come on!
[umpire]: Foul ball.
I got it! Mine! Mine!
Mine, I see it!
Got it!
Good morning, Cub fans!
As Mr. Cub, Ernie Banks,
would always say,
"It's a great day for two. "
Um... couple of things...
So please indulge me.
I have collated a nutrition
I've taken some pictures of
the homemade snacks
that I usually make.
And put together, just
some ideas,
for you all to follow.
Could you just pass that
around for me?
Take a look at this...
Umm... also.
Snack table.
We need 100%
parent participation.
I need you guys... to
participate. Max, Ava?
Eva is not here, it's just
All right, Max.
I've noticed that you have
not participated yet.
Oh, Eva usually takes care
of stuff like that.
Because little Jackie comes
up to the table constantly.
I love him... and I love
sharing, but...
All right, Vicky Sue
I'll be paying ya soon.
Right. Right. Rosie.
Marty? Marty?
Umm... During this window
of time, I'm, uh,
legally not allowed to
donate anything financially,
because of my, uh,
business advisor.
But feel free to use my
name, uh, as a donor.
And you can put me down
for say, $100,
with a little star next to it.
Call me an "angel" or
some... you know,
umm... at the top
of the list.
And I'm good with that.
[whooshing sound]
[metal bat hitting ball]
Uh, I don't think
he wants to play.
I really don't think he
wants to play.
I'm telling ya.
He wants to play.
He just doesn't
wanna suck.
That's the problem.
He sucks.
He does suck.
Gosh, he sucks...
so bad.
It's okay, you weren't that
I wasn't that good.
And it all worked out.
I think back that I was
better than I was.
I guess that's a normal
thing to think that.
Yeah, but you weren't
that good.
You were a
pretty good fielder.
[clicks tongue] That's okay.
You know what?
Don't worry about it.
Just go hang out with him.
That's really what kids
They wanna feel close to
their dad. Just, you know...
play catch... go do
something else.
Just hang out with him.
Just hang out.
I can play catch.
I can do a million other
- A million things.
- It doesn't matter.
- Yeah.
- Just hang out with him.
He loves me. I love him.
That's all.
I just don't wanna be one of
those dads that, you know...
forces their kids to play
stuff and, you know...
Let him do whatever he
It's tough being a dad.
[dialogue fading in] I
wanna applaud you for
your, your campaign, your
fundraising effort.
Bravo. If it wasn't for
people like you,
we'd have no money at all
and this, this great league
couldn't continue. Thanks.
Coach Ambrose?
Um, I don't have my wallet
on me.
But I would love to talk
about that nutrition guide
with you after the game
Do you work out adults?
'Cause I'd like to get a card
if you have one.
Oh yeah, we'll talk.
- Okay.
- We'll talk after.
Umm... Angela.
Could you tell
our great commissioner
of this wonderful league
that he...
came up with the rules of
100% parent participation.
And I look, shockingly, he
has not participated.
You know, he didn't give
me a budget for that.
I'm, I'm just the kid's
nanny, but... Sorry.
Okay, uh...
Our most progressive
Caitlin, Sophie. Manuel's
mama and... mommy.
- His name is Manny.
- It's Manny.
Manny. Yes. I was
wondering if he has any...
specific nutritional
We could have some rice,
some beans, some chips,
over at the snack bar,
if need be.
Well, considering when we
adopted him,
he was eating dirt off the
floor of a hut, umm...
I think he's, he's, uh, he's
doing just fine.
And, uh, just a suggestion
for you.
If you spent less time
taking pictures of food
and putting them into
binders, and more time
doing useful things like,
perhaps you could talk to
the city about having
- less handicap spaces...
- Mmm.
...for parking. So that real
normal people could park
in the parking lot
I- I second the lady's
motion there about
the handicap parking
spots. They should either
eliminate the ones that
aren't being used or
put on some kinda drive
to get more
handicapped people to
come out to the ball games.
That could be a lot of fun.
We could get them out on
the field with games,
and just kinda stir up the
I think we're good.
All right.
You are bat shit crazy.
You know,
you're a big man...
- Hello ladies. How are ya?
- Hello.
Marty, whaddaya say?
- Hey, hey, hey.
- Max!
Max, how are ya?
Hiya, Harold. How you
doing pal?
I'm well, thank you. How
are ya?
I'm, I'm good.
Good, good to see ya.
World of comedy good?
Are you still doing that bit
about, uh...
with the chicken,
and the broiled
and the baked chicken?
Is that you?
That's not you?
No, no. But thank you.
I happen to love comedy.
I love watching you.
Yeah. Oh, hi honey.
How are ya, Ava?
Hi, I'm good.
[stammering] Would you just
mind to let Ava sit here?
I'm sorry.
Come on, please.
Oh, thanks.
- Oh, hey.
- Umm...
Sorry I didn't bring you
a water.
- Hey Harold?
- I'm fine.
You know what, I need to
talk to Ava just
for a minute or two.
I'll, I'll, uh...
I'll, I'll, but I'll come sit down in
a little while, later in the game.
It's nothing, It's nothing.
It's good.
We'll talk comedy later.
Oh, geez. He means well.
- I know.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Ah, pitcher, I know where
your family lives!
Stop brushing my boy
And how about some
more balls?
[umpire] Time!
That's a warning.
Warning? I'm a grown-up.
I'm not in school.
I don't care, ass-dick.
[umpire] You're gone!
I'm gone!
Hey everyone, I'm gone!
Come on man, come on!
What are you doing
to me right now?!
- It's his fault!
- You're killing me right now!
Hey! That's your dad?!
That's your dad right there?!
Whoa, whoa. Lets not make this
any messier than it already is.
Your dad's a jerk!
Your dad's a jerk!
I'm nobody you need to
mess with right now, okay?
Do you ever have
a kid here?
Hey, touch me, I sue you,
Hey, let's not make this
messy in front of the kids.
- Who is this guy?!
- Okay, let's go.
Who are you?!
Go away!
That's my son!
I'll be in the car Barneby!
Don't touch me!
Don't touch me!
- Bye-bye.
- Don't touch me.
You're outta here.
Whoa. Why would
someone behave that way?
[stammering] This is
an adult. An adult.
- So sad.
- Seriously.
- Sad.
- It's sad. It is sad.
And it's confusing. W-What
is his private life like?
What are their
private lives like
that make them act
like this?
What are they missing
in their lives
that make them act
like idiots?
Seriously unbelievable.
In front of the kids.
[indiscernible whispering]
All right, let's hear some
chatter! Come on!
Let's get it up!
Let's get it up!
Don't say, "let's get it up. "
Let's get it up.
[distant chatter
and clapping]
They're, they're a bit
touchy. They're kinda nuts.
Wow, they're crazy.
I mean, everything offends
them. So, everything!
I mean, what is wrong with
these people?!
What is wrong with these
[yelling] What is wrong
with these people?!
These people, right there!
Take this.
- Where are you going?
- I'll be right back?
I gotta go talk to a man
about a horse. I'll be back.
Are we waiting for you?
Wait for me!
Commissioner Gordon.
No talking to the commissioner
before scores are official.
Okay? I'm gonna need you
to step over here.
Right there.
All right.
You don't have to keep your
eye on me, I'm not going to...
I know, I don't.
Forest, you can trust me.
You can go to the other
side and I'll wait here.
It's okay, Max.
[laughing incredulously]
Forest, I'm telling you...
You can keep telling me.
All right.
I don't work for you.
Is that a quadruple
rainbow? [chuckles]
A quadruple rainbow? I've
never seen one of those!
What would cause a
The way..
Wait, that's impossible!
Pots of gold?!
Really? Pots of gold?
Pots of gold.
You're a comedian.
I am a comedian.
- Really?
- Yeah.
So you're not
that popular then.
I'm really into comedians
and I think I would know if
you're a comedian, if
you're a popular one.
No, I'm a popular
Not in the top 100.
Tell you what, not only am
I in the top 100,
I'm probably top 20.
Top 20?
Top 20.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
All right.
How many Twitter
followers do you have?
About 100,000.
No, that's not top 20.
Score's official.
[yelling] Score's official!
Score's official.
Thank you, Forrest.
Thank you.
Hello Commissioner
I would never think of calling
you Steve, Commissioner... Gordon.
Commissioner Gordon...
[laughing hysterically]
If you see the Riddler or
the [raising voice]
Catwoman, you and Chief
O'Hara should...
It's really funny actually.
It's just something I love
doing. Anyhow, uh...
I've decided that my next
movie... hopefully...
There's a lot of steps
involved in this.
I'm gonna be doing some
And the research I'm
doing, I'm gonna be talking
to, uh, parents, uh,
coaches, and uh...
everybody involved with
my kids baseball team.
Like a documentary on the,
the uh... the benefits of
SFV-LA baseball for, for
young children...
Documentaries are big
right now.
No, it's, it's a comedy.
A comedy.
Like a "how to" video for
parents if they wanna get
their kids into SFV-LA
And the benefits of
learning how to be a
team member, and the
fundamentals of,
of building blocks for uh,
becoming a responsible
citizen and a good adult.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah.
Yeah, that would be good.
You know... a little change
of the subject here.
Your nanny is so
ridiculously beautiful.
I don't even know how
you... wow!
Well, Angela's the charge
of my, my son, Bennett.
There's nothing sexual
about her.
Oh, there's something very
sexual about her. Yeah...
Sorry I brought that up.
All right, see you guys
Okay, just stay off the
field, though. Please...
I'm not going back on, I
know 'cause you water it...
We water it and then we do
the chalk.
Stay off the diamond, Max.
I'm not going on the
I don't think that's such a
great idea.
It'll be fun to spend time
with the crazy parents.
I don't know about that,
I... that's exactly what I
was just gonna say.
I... listen, I would not opt
to be with these people
on purpose, you know...
Well, you know, it's part,
it's the hard part
of my job. It's the
It's the down-and-dirtiness
of comedy,
is figuring out what you're
gonna write about.
Sometimes grownups get
really weird.
Grownups always get
weird. Always.
Not sometimes.
They're just weird.
Just think, "people are
weird. " They're weird.
What if I told you
another little secret?
She's a bit weird.
I'm a bit weird!
You have weird parents.
You're not weird yet.
I don't want you to think
that all grownups are insane.
Well actually,
they are all insane.
Don't trust anybody over
the age of, of...
No, actually, ten.
Ten. Don't trust a 13-year-
old, they're too worldly.
'Cause they all have their
own phones and...
That's when it all breaks
By the way, we're not
doing that with him.
No, we're not doing that
with you.
You know that, right?
Yeah, you have friends now
who have phones, don't you?
Yeah, I know.
That's a bunch of crap.
Not gonna happen.
Max, I'm not sure about
spending more time than
is necessary with
that crowd.
You know, I don't have to
spend that much time
with them. Just a... few
I'd be happy to help.
I have a lot of
ideas for movies.
Okay, it's not... I just
wanna talk and get to...
I wanna get to know
the parents...
Here's my thing.
Here's my thing.
- Yeah?
- As long as it's educational
and instructive
for the kids...
The kids learn...
'cause kids are sponges.
We were just talking
about that.
How much like
sponges they are.
And I will help write it, act
it, shoot it,
I don't know how to do
any of that stuff...
They just keep absorbing.
But I'll tell you what, I
work at a copy shop,
in case you didn't know.
And I think you did.
Uh, and we can make
copies of he script there.
And then you can hand
them out next week,
and we'll learn our lines
and do it.
What's the title?
What's the script?
Well, no no,
I don't know yet.
Is it from a book?
No, it's gonna be from the
research that I do
when I spend time with...
What's the rating?
Oh, dear God.
Oh, that's wrong.
What's up, guys?
He wants to uh, do, some
research on my method
of uh, coaching. He's
he's paid attention. I think
he sees what I'm doing...
It's a great idea.
All right guys,
talk to you later.
Right on, man.
Why is it, whenever he
works with Rickey,
he's gotta take off his
He's hot.
The man gets hot, he
wants to take his shirt off.
Did you ever hear of
shirts and skins?
Yeah I've heard of shirts
and skins, playing football.
He does it in life.
That's what it is.
Those who can do skins, do
Those who can't do skins,
they don't do skins.
- What side are you on?
- I'm clearly on the shirts side.
Except when I shower.
Work on the slide!
Because Jimbo says so,
thats why!
Don't answer me back!
Run through the base!
Through the bases!
All right, so what I'm
gonna be doing is that
I got the blessing from...
I got the blessing from
Commissioner Gordon.
It's research for
a comedy movie
that I might or might not
even write.
So it might not
even happen.
I'm just sort of getting to
know everybody
and seeing if there's a
movie there
about the parents and the
coaches and such.
So you show up,
do research,
interview everybody, for
something that might not happen?
Yes. That's the first thing
you nailed exactly.
Sounds like a waste of time
to me.
Uh, if we don't win the
I'm gonna pull the plug,
I'm not shooting a movie!
It's gotta end with us
winning, or I'm not, uh...
- A waste of time.
- ... approve.
I'm not gonna sign off
on it.
Either of you wanna be
- I do!
- You do?
I'm doing you first.
You're #1.
Number one on my
interview list. First.
All right, see you guys
Hey, could I have, uh,
everybody's attention,
just for one second. It's
not a big deal. Umm...
As some of you... hey!
Some of you know, uh...
I am a comedian.
And I have decided that
there might be some...
material here ripe for
comedy. I'm going to...
It's a lot of steps to it.
But I'm gonna do some research,
spend some time with you,
and umm...
get to know you a little bit.
for possibly my next movie
Excuse me, Orson Welles?
I have to go on record in
front of all the other parents,
saying that I refuse
to take part in this.
That's okay.
I'm not saying, "I don't
wanna do it. " I'm just...
I just wanna be clear
because this hap...
I fell for this one ti...
This isn't one of those, you
get in a room...
"You're so pretty, you're so
pretty. Take your top off.
I'm gonna film you" kinda
thing, is it?
That is so far from...
my intentions...
What are some of the
questions you'll be asking us?
You talking to me?
You talking about me?
I'm talking to you, about
your job, about your life...
Why would that possibly,
possibly be of interest?
Well, we'll see after I talk...
When I'm all done,
it could not be interesting.
There's a great chance of it
not being interesting at all
and I won't make a movie.
Well, I'm very excited.
I'd like to go first.
I have offered that up
to coach Jimbo.
Because he's first,
I talked to him first.
But I'm asking...
I'm the first to ask.
I'll have undue pressure.
I don't know,
I don't know what I'm
gonna be talking...
Pressure from what?!
Because you're gonna be
There'll be a camera in my
I'm not filming you.
I am just hanging out with
you. There's no pressure.
Max, can I recommend an
actress to play me?
Halle Berry.
Halle Berry.
And for Manny, I don't care
who, who,
just as long as it's not one
of the, the fuckin' Will,
one of Will Smith's kids.
Are we invited to the
This is very exciting.
Yeah. All right, I'm uh... I'm
Just watch them practice.
I'm good. That's all I need.
Work on the slide, baby!
Thank you, Coach Ted.
Thank you, everybody.
Uh, I guess whatever
he asks me.
Get it up!
You didn't talk to anyone?
I have not talked to
I am talking to you first.
No one has been talked to.
You are #1.
[exhales loudly]
This is it.
All About Printing.
The owners had a real uh...
foresight, you know,
because they didn't wanna
limit it. All About Printing.
So it can be printing,
Anything that's
about printing.
Anything! It's about,
or even,
marginally associated
with printing...
- We can do.
- Mmm-hmm.
Or we can... potentially do.
We don't have, we don't
necessarily do it now.
But it's uh, the hub. And
this right here,
is my command center.
This is where I
operate everything...
In this whole, everybody
can hear me, see?
It's not so big that
they can't hear me
So I can just shout from
and everybody hears me.
[bells chimes]
Everyone can hear that
bell. No, no. No, no.
I'm standing here
If you see the bell go off,
or hear the bell go off,
and I'm standing here, you
don't need to come up.
I'll handle the customer.
Oh, when my uncle hired
me he told me...
Katie, put it away.
And I'll tell you what, the
reason that I coach
the kids, is because
I'm in charge here, okay?
All About Printing.
And, it's... a... madhouse.
- It is a madhouse.
- Mmm-hmm.
You know, and baseball is
And it's quiet and it's calm,
you know?
And the kids are out there,
and they're dropping the ball,
and they're not hitting it
and uh...
So it's not really
about the kids,
it's more about you
and getting your release.
Yeah, it's about getting
the... it's about release
And it all comes from here.
All comes from working
And the customers that
come in and...
Do you know something
Do you know the insurance
bill on this place?
Let me tell you something,
pal. Okay?
That machine right there,
is German precision.
And it can print about...
[yelling] Hey, hey hey! You
can't come back here!
I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry
to yell.
Stay behind that line,
would ya?
- W-what, what line? -
Imaginary line, right here.
From that counter to that
Across. All right.
Stay behind it.
I'm right... I'm good.
- Insurance.
- Mmm-hmm.
- Safety.
- Mmm-hmm.
So I love get... hitting the
field after a week of this,
Because of the runaround
at this place.
and the pressure.
The pres... Listen...
to the traffic out there.
You can hear every car
and bus.
Hello sir!
[rings bell twice]
You don't have to do that
'cause I already did it.
Stay back in the back!
Picking up my package.
Okay, what's your name,
We usually put the... the
orders. Oh, that's...
Is that it? Is that you?
That's not him. Take this
back. Did you call earlier?
Yes I did.
Uh-huh. Who did you
speak to?
Well, that's me!
[both laugh]
- Good to meet ya.
- Hey.
- And I spoke to you?
- Yes.
[paper crinkling]
- Great.
- Right there!
I even signed it.
Oh, there's no coupon
allowed with this. Sorry.
I don't have one
to give you.
Because you ordered that
two weeks ago...
And the coupon
starts today,
but you can't use it
'til tomorrow.
Come in tomorrow and get
the same job for half price.
Thank you.
Thank you!
[door opens and
activates chimes]
Beef goulash.
It's my lunch.
I'm gonna have it
as soon as you're,
as soon as you're done.
Pretty hungry right now.
Well don't let me keep you.
Well, it's okay. It's just
sitting here.
I don't leave it in back
because, uh...
some of my food
has gone missing.
A couple of cans of this,
I've found open
and half gone.
And I'm not blaming you,
Katie, and I'm not blaming Rick.
I'm not saying they did it.
That back door
doesn't lock, so...
Well, why don't you fix it?
[clicks tongue]
you wanna go there?
[both laughing]
I'm just asking you why
you don't fix it.
There's a woman involved.
First of all.
You wanna hear it now?
that doesn't change things.
I still wanna hear it.
You wanna...?
My brother Andy is a
locksmith across the street.
Nothing peeves him off
more than knowing
that that back door
doesn't lock
and I ain't letting him fix it.
And I'm not letting anyone
else fix it, either.
You wanna know why?
In high school...
Andy's three years younger
than me.
I had a crush on a girl,
I'm not gonna say
her name,
but I circled her picture in
the yearbook every year
and he knows it.
He went away to the navy
after high school.
He was gone for two years,
and I took this girl out...
on three dates.
And then he comes back
and within
two months,
they're getting married!
And I gotta do the
And I give him a discount.
[forced laughter]
I'm sitting back here
printing up invitations,
with her name on it and
his name!
And a carnation!
That's a flower I don't care
to look at... or smell...
ever again!
So when that door broke,
when the lock broke...
He came over,
"I'll fix that for ya. "
"No thanks, Andy. "
[smacks lips]
"What? I'll fix it.
It'll take two... "
"No thanks, Andy. "
It burns him. It burns...
in his heart...
to know, that I'm not
calling on him,
to fix that door.
And I don't let anyone else
fix it, too.
I just leave it broken.
All right, I think I got
everything I need.
[cheerful, jazzy music ]
Keep it moving!
Uh, Coach Ted, uh,
just a moment.
How come there's
so many practices lately?
This isn't about practice.
It's about bowels.
You understand?
Bowels and bladders.
"bowels and bladders?"
That's what it's about. See,
kids have a certain, uh uh,
chemistry in their bodies
that allows them to hold
and build up toxins
in their bodies.
All I'm doing right now is
working the toxins
off their body right now.
I'll take your word for it,
but we need more one-on-
one instruction.
So you know more than
me? Ho-ho!
You know more
about baseball
than I know
about baseball, huh?!
You don't want none of me,
all right?
I gotta go.
You know, I-I...
Work it, kids!
Well there he goes. I don't
know, is he a good coach?
Or was he being sarcastic
with me?
I think he's a sincere man,
I just think that he's
a little bit off.
So it's not me?
No, it's, it's not you at all.
I wish he'd spend more
time here.
I mean, he's got the kids
here and us here.
She's just a...
big bowl of "Dear God. "
That's the commissioner's
nanny, huh?
Yup. Angela.
You're obsessed,
aren't you?
I wouldn't say
the word "obsessed. "
I'm not going home
and thinking...
But I gotta tell ya,
when I'm here...
I'm thinking.
When she's in front of me.
You know what would
maybe be a good idea?
Why don't we ask Angela to
get some of her friends out?
Tell them we're gonna
have a little...
- ... charity softball game.
- Mmm-hmm.
Them against us,
or against the kids.
And tell them it's a charity
for the, for the kids,
or the veterans,
or something.
For the veterans?
Yeah. And tell them it's a
romp. They love that.
But anyways, if they think
it's for the kids...
Look at her, look at her.
Yeah, that's a nice looking
young lady.
But you gotta focus
on the baseball field.
Yeah, I-I'm supposed to.
Yeah, well...
But I like the idea of a
little, a little charity game.
Think about it. A charity
romp. And balloons...
And just a big sign that
says, "Thanks. "
So, you know,
they think they're...
You know what I'm
gonna do? Right now?
I'm gonna go down
and talk to her.
Okay. Tell 'em it's for
an outreach program.
No, I'm not, I'm not...
I'm not setting up
your thing.
I don't even know what an
outreach program is,
but they'll, they'll love it.
People love to...
They'll do anything.
No, I'm not setting up the
softball thing.
I'm just gonna go down
and talk to her.
I've said "hello" to her and
we've talked very little,
but I just wanna get to
know her a little better.
- All right, good.
- Okay?
- Hi Angela.
- Hi.
Ah, what a beautiful day.
It's nice.
Practice is almost over.
It's all good.
You like coming
to practice?
I do.
So do I.
- Yeah?
- Mmm-hmm.
Yeah, I do.
I do, I do, I do.
Love coming to practice.
- Hey, how are you?
- Hi.
Okay, let's go.
All right, it was so nice
talking to you.
Me too.
Oh, look.
Jack, hold up.
Come take a ride.
Take a ride in my
brand new Camry.
Is this a beaut?
I just got it.
Let's do the interview now.
I... don't know.
It's a hybrid! I just got it.
I just picked it up!
We'll ride around and
we'll glide around.
I'm all pumped up on
coffee. In the showroom,
I had two cups.
It was free. Come on.
Is it all right?
Oh! Whatever you want.
All right,
I'll meet you at home.
I'm gonna go ride
in a brand new Camry.
I am gonna clip a coupon
and order something.
[cell phone ringing]
Okay, sounds good.
I'll see you later.
Hey, you guys...
- Bye dad!
- What do you feel like?
- Bye!
- Hello.
[cell ringing]
Hello? Hold on.
Hold on!
You know how
Bluetooth works?
Rosie's calling, I don't
know how to answer it.
I'm pushing every button
and... Oh God, all right.
Let's go. We'll just drop by
the house
first for just a second. How
'bout that?
Sure, we'll drop by. This is
a beautiful car.
Okay, go ahead. Ask.
What do you wanna know?
Listen to how quiet.
Listen to that.
This car... running makes
less noise than most cars
when they're turned off.
It's a gorgeous car.
And listen, listen, listen.
You can't hear anything.
Barely hear the door slam.
It's like a powderpuff.
It's not... I can hear it
slam. It's not loud,
When I was a kid, I wanted
a '67 Mustang. I got mine.
Here, come on in.
All right.
Come in. Come in, please.
Let's see...
Oh, she's not here.
Well, this is where
it all happens.
This is where
the magic happens.
Every week,
we order pizzas
from around the world.
What are pizzas from
around the world?
I, you know, most people have
their favorite pizzeria, you know.
We order pizza from,
literally, I'm telling you,
20, 30 miles away. You just
get a flavor from...
There's one way out call...
and it's delicious. It's a
wonderful thing to have.
Memories, memories,
Pictures. Very nice.
This is the one
I'm most proud of.
We were in Mesa, Arizona.
- You ever been to Mesa?
- No.
It's hot.
I mean, it was burning.
You know, the type of
burning, you know,
you could be in sandals,
you could be in sneakers.
It doesn't matter. You still
feel it beneath your feet.
And we rented the
sombreros, the ponchos,
even had guns. He's got a
gun. You can't see my gun.
Look at the tenacity on
that kid's face.
And the women were
scared. I'll give you that.
We were scared.
But dammit, we weren't
gonna let anything cross us.
But you took that at, like, a
photo, uh, place, right?
No, no, no. Not a ph...
It's one of those expansive
places, you know?
I mean, way out, is, is, are
the souvenirs and everything.
But just sort of...
A kiosk of some sort?
Wasn't a kiosk.
It was... You've got a
photographer out there
and you, you, you go out...
And you go out.
It was the west! We were
in Mesa!
It was a...
It was anything but
a kiosk.
[light knocking on door]
[door opening]
S.O.F. [exhales]
That's great.
What's S.O.F.?
"Soldier of Fortune. "
"Soldier of Fortune. "
Why you guys whispering?
I can't let Rosie know
that I'm getting
"Soldier of Fortune. "
If she knows that I have
"Soldier of Fortune,"
she'll kill me.
[whispering] Kill him. [chuckles]
- Okay.
- Yeah.
That's great.
I can't believe... Have you
been to the range?
Every night.
That's cool.
All right, I gotta hide this.
Okay, thanks buddy.
[both whispering]
How you doing?
- Good, how you doing?
- Good.
- I'm Max.
- Hi, Max.
- I'm Tony.
- Hey, Tony.
[loud, extended breath]
Is it hot out there?
It's great today.
Yeah, I was just out there.
I don't know why I even
asked you if it was hot,
because I was just
out there.
- It's great.
- Yeah.
it's okay.
We're just whispering.
Well, it's just all part of
the S.O.F. thing.
I don't wanna give it up
and ruin it for you.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Take care, Tony.
Nice to meet you, Max.
I don't see her.
We started doing, uh,
like Pennsylvania art.
Pennsylvania Dutch
type of art, uh...
I like to call it
"America Primitive. "
It's a lot of wood. It's a lot
more wood than I wanted.
This, believe it or not,
is where everything
I have is kept
I've got shirts, I've got my
pants, I've got my ties.
But this, this, this
To you, it's a little dresser.
To me,
it's, it's my
gargantuan world.
This is, this is my
existence right here.
No, it's my dream...
to someday, maybe have an
armoire, like, right here.
Harold, you don't need
an armoire.
I don't need an armoire?
Forget it, forget it!
Hartman called. He said it's
a no-can-do on the Camry.
And I already, I drove it
out of the lot already.
I'm so sorry! [stammering]
I jumped way too quick.
I... 'cause I already drove
it off the lot. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, I always leap
before I crawl
and I'm sorry. And I should
have called him.
I should have asked you.
And, and I knew it.
I'm, I was wrong.
How's little Jackie?
Oh, he's great.
- Aww...
- Thank you for asking.
He's a great boy.
Yeah. He loves nature,
doesn't he?
I suppose. As much as
any kid loves nature.
So... I'm gonna get going.
Can you give me
a ride home?
Oh, the flatbed's gonna
be here any second
to load the Camry.
No, I'm sorry.
Yeah, can you use Rosie's
car and uh, take me home?
That's a no-go.
How about you, Rosie?
Can you give me
a ride home?
Max... No-can-do.
I can call you a cab.
Shouldn't you guys uh,
be practicing baseball?
No, we like soccer.
All right.
I gotta tell ya...
[laughing] What?
What's with the cab?
They uh, wouldn't
give me a ride home.
My imagination couldn't
come up with the stuff
that I"m seeing.
This behavior.
You know, when
I wondered,
"what is her
personal life like?"
I had no idea.
I don't know what
I'm thinking.
- Come on!
- Oh.
Follow through, Jackie!
Sweet stuff.
How's he doing?
[metal bat hitting ball]
Oh! There you go.
Relax, relax.
All right, get out.
Come on out.
You're done.
That was great, man.
It's not a science.
Hey! Got a sec?
Excuse me.
Who told you that?!
It is a science. That kid
liked to you, all right?
What do you think
these numbers are?
Now listen.
Next time you go up,
I want you to glue that bat
to your shoulder.
I don't want you swinging.
That's how you get a walk.
You know what else?
Try to get hit. Okay?
It doesn't hurt that much.
Have you ever got
a shot at the doctor's?
It hurts like that. Takes
a second. Goes away.
And then you get on base.
Do we play games
with our shoes untied?
Do we play games
with our shirt untucked?
Do we play games
with our belt undone?
No we don't. We don't live
in a barn, Manny.
We're going to tuck in
our shirt because...
we're not animals, right?
What does mommy
always tell you?
"Go big or go home. "
No. "Don't fuck up. " Okay?
And you know what?
I want you to have fun.
That's most important,
And keep your elbows up.
Got it?
Go have fun, killer.
Elbows up!
I'm excited about
coming over.
Oh, I'm really good with it.
You're gonna enjoy it.
Okay, cool.
Bring all your tools.
Bring all my tools?
Yeah, bring your tools.
Bring all the stuff
you need.
For what?
For whatever happens!
I'm just gonna talk to you.
Just bring a bunch of stuff.
When you say "a bunch of
stuff," it's just so random.
It's random,
but just bring anything.
- Hey coach!
- [laughs]
- Hey!
- Have a good game.
Motivated. Motivation!
- That's what it's about.
- That's right.
Bring whatever
you wanna bring.
No snacks.
- No.
- Just stuff.
All right? I'll see you
later on, all right?
Have a good game, coach.
You damn right!
Way to go, Stevie!
Throwing smoke!
Throwing smoke!
Good arm!
Good... arm!
Max. Hi...
- I hate to be nitpicky.
- Mmm-hmm.
Just wondering when
you're gonna have
that money ready?
are just keeping
a running tab for you
and little Jackie!
- [chuckles]
- Mmm-hmm.
Uh, little Jackie took one
of my healthy muffins...
- He had one of the healthy muffins?
- I was so proud of him!
- Yes!
- Oh, okay.
They give you a lot
of energy.
But I will...
when I have some...
I don't have any
extra cash today.
- Okay.
- So I will...
Because they go
towards the team
and towards the
coach's gifts.
- I know... For everything.
- Okay.
By the way, I think
everyone should pay.
I'm with you.
- So I'm not against it.
- A few bucks?
But I will.
More than a few bucks.
I'm gonna throw in
a big 20.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- All right.
- All right.
[whooshing sound]
[bat hitting ball]
When I played...
and you were coaching...
What were the
parents like?
Were they like these idiots?
I don't know.
I didn't know most of 'em.
You didn't know 'em?
No. How would I get
to know 'em?
They drop off their kids,
they, they leave.
They didn't even hang out?
Why would they hang out?
Parents got things to do.
What's wrong with
you people?
That's what's wrong
with you people.
You're so involved.
You know? Playing catch
with your kids is good.
Showing up and saying,
"Hey, nice job!"
or you know, whatever.
That's good.
But all this involvement.
We just said what
whatever coach says.
You don't remember the
stuff your coach did?
And I was, like,
"whatever, it's the coach.
Whatever coach says. "
Okay. What if the coach
tells your kid
to keep his bat
on the shoulder
every time he goes
up to bat?
That's what the coach said!
See, that's my point.
We're in agreement.
Yeah, yeah.
We think alike.
I think just like you.
Do you know how often I,
like, do something
and I go, "That's what dad
would've done"?
Do you know how many
times I do that?
- All the time.
- Oh.
I learned a lot from you.
You're welcome.
Well, thank you.
Thank you big time.
Big time.
I just don't buy it,
I'm sorry.
I should have explained.
Now let me ask you guys
a question.
And I want you to take this
serious. Really consider it.
How much for you to go on
the field and run in a circle
around the whole field
during the game?
During the game,
while people are watching?
People are watching. Yep.
Why would you do that?
You'd be...
You'd be a jackass.
- How much money to be a jackass?
- Oh!
2500 bucks.
2500 bucks.
That makes it
just tempting.
Let's not get
Uncle Sam involved.
- Yeah.
- All right.
2500 cash, up front.
Sure... cash, my friend.
Yeah, how much
would you do it for?
- I wouldn't do it.
- What?!
- Stop it.
- I wouldn't do it.
- Give me another number.
- What?!
- A million dollars.
- Nope.
- Two million dollars.
- Nope.
Five million dollars.
It's not what I'm made of.
I'm just thinking
sometimes, if we were
to play in
one of these games,
how we would dominate.
Who, you and me?
Oh man, yeah.
It must be like how
McGwire felt playing,
standing up there.
[smattered applause and
distant chatter]
This is um, Hans.
This is Max.
Hi Hans!
[Austrian accent]
Nice meeting you.
You're the first Hans
I've ever met.
Really? Want some?
Oh I'll have a couple,
thank you.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
We used to be roommates
together in Paris
when we went to
culinary school.
That was a great time,
wasn't it?
- Oh, how about that?
- That was fun.
- We had a really good time.
- Oh cool!
- Um... I gotta go...
- You and Hans.
Yeah, I-I...
I'm gonna be right back.
I gotta go to the loo.
Will you...
- Are you okay?
- Yeah, yeah, I'm fine!
I'll be back in a second.
- Just... hold my spot, yeah?
- For sure.
She's going to the loo.
Which is normal to you.
To me, it's uh...
it's usually the bathroom or
the restroom.
So how long you
been here for?
Just arrived.
A couple days.
And your first time
in America?
First time America.
Wow! Wow, wow.
You enjoying it?
I love it. I just don't get
this sport here.
It looks fun and...
It's very confusing,
for someone from...
where you from?
I'm Austrian.
Austria. Hans from Austria
would not understand
this right away.
I'm more soccer
and skiing, you know?
Soccer's more simple to
understand. You kick it.
You stop it.
You kick in a goal.
You count the goal.
It's easy.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But here... What is this
guy, for example,
doing there? He's just
standing around
The ball to be hit to him,
Yeah. So you've never...
You've never even seen a
baseball game?
First time.
Wow, wow, wow.
Hey! Hey!
Stranger on the field!
[laughing hysterically]
Stranger on the field! Hey!
How you doing?
Get him off!
Who are you?
I'm Hans.
Who are you?
I'm Jack.
Nice to meet you, Jack.
Max, who is that?!
I don't know!
Get outtta there!
Part of the game, coach?
No, it's not part of
the game!
It's gonna be
an automatic out.
Where's Hans?
Um... right there.
Bring it in!
Off the diamond, now!
- What's he doing out there?
- Hi, I'm Hans.
- That's it, let's go!
- Nice meeting you.
That's illegal, dude. What
you're doing is...
Great man.
Ooh, yeah!
See that?!
That's what happens
around here!
[mild applause and
distant chattering]
What are ya...
What are you writing?
What I'm writing in here,
you could not comprehend
in your brain of brains.
If I let you read this,
you would throw it down
on the ground
and run to
a mental institution
and check yourself in
and request...
[bat hitting ball]
a straightjacket.
You're very intense.
Throw it home!
Throw it home!
Steven, I swear to God,
get up right now!
Steven! Get up!
Throw it home!
- You know that's her son, right?
- Go! Go! Go!
and he should throw
the fucking ball.
For a little kid,
he's a huge pussy.
Suck it up!
Suck it up!
Suck it up.
The compound, baby!
This is your compound?
The compound.
Gotta use the bathroom?
Use it now.
The porta-potty's
over there.
By putting a port-a-potty
on my property,
people can't use
my bathroom.
is people sitting their ass
on my toilet.
Shangri-la! You know?
Pool over there.
I sleep over there.
My buddy Max, right here.
Hi, Max Morris.
How are ya?
- How are you, Jackie?
- "The Chocolatier. "
- Hi.
- Nice to meet you.
I call her "Tipsy Jessica. "
- Tipsy Jessica?
- Careful. [laughs]
Jackie the Chocolatier?
- A real chocolatier?
- A real chocolatier.
You should do my podcast.
What's your podcast?
It's like sex... and science.
Like, together.
And we need to have
volunteers come,
and they have to, like,
take off their clothes...
But then, like,
we do a radio show...
But like, people don't know
that our clothes are off...
And so then,
it's like a party...
But, like, you know,
we don't like, fuck.
Unless you want to.
- That's like totally up to you.
- No, I'm good, I'm good.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
So nice to meet you.
Podcast, you can do
what you wanna do.
So I got burgers and
you know, I carry...
I carry the burgers,
the hot dogs...
You ca... You say it like it's
a, like it's a restaurant
You "carry the burgers. "
Do you charge people
for the burgers?
Of course I do.
What are you doing?
- that you charge people?
- This is a compound.
When you're dealing with
a compound,
these kind of things
This is my buddy,
over here. Freddy.
- Playa.
- My dude, son.
You good, baby?
What's up? Who's this?
This is Max, right here.
Hey. Max Morris.
We don't don't this.
We do this.
- Okay.
- [laughing]
- Good to meet you, too.
- All right.
Hey, so...
They sent him to
keep the pool clean.
- The pool gets dirty.
- Uh-huh.
A lot of people come
through here.
They eat hamburgers.
They eat hot dogs.
You know, they just
dive into the water
without washing their ass.
Always take a shower.
All right. So...
- What's up...
- Here we go! Here we go!
- Whoo!
- Big Time Sarah!
- [laughing]
- That's right.
I brought the white bread.
Autobiography time.
- Oh yeah. Oh goody.
- That's what we're here for.
- but let's get down to some business.
- you all about my shit.
What is this?
We're all writing
our autobiography.
You're all writing
your autobiography.
That's why you're
meeting up?
"Like me" on Facebook.
He has one.
- I have one.
- Jackie!
Jessica has one.
- All right.
- Jackie has one.
I'll just watch.
Thank you.
I just kinda wanna end my
book with, um...
"ambitions in chocolate. "
Or "finding the chocolate
lining in things. "
That's a good title.
That's a very good title.
Yeah, especially since it has
to do with all that chocolate.
If you had to put your
hand on your throat
to regurgitate,
would you be afraid
to eat your own
damn hand?
That's what I wanna know.
Well no. I'm not afraid
to eat my hand.
I've had many hands
shoved down my throat,
as you, as you all know.
You know that.
Everybody knows that.
You hold a child, right?
You hold him, you know?
I never got that.
I never got that!
- Aww...
- I never got held.
- I'm a foster mom.
- You're a foster mom?
Yeah, you wanna be held.
My things is this...
I got involved... with
coaching... kids... baseball,
'cause I was a terrible
baseball player myself.
The game tee ball?
Remember tee ball?
You put the ball on
a little tee.
- Oh yeah.
- And you hit the ball.
I struck out
playing tee ball.
And I never lived it down.
I mean, that right there,
really motivated me
to teach kids how to hit.
[stammering and
voice cracking]
I apply hitting
to everything.
Now you're hitting
I'm hitting every
damn thing.
- I'll be damned.
- I'm hitting ass!
Hitting pools, hitting
trailers, h-hitting t-shirts,
hitting the kitchen outside,
hitting the gym set...
Last week you hit my car.
All I do is hit now!
I'm a hit...
I hit-and-run last week.
But you hitting!
All I do is hit, hit, hit, hit.
That's what I want kids
to do.
I want kids to get hits.
That's right.
I was just thinking about
and writing about, like,
the first fight that
I almost won.
He gave me a good shot
in the stomach,
which kinda like stopped
the whole fight.
So did you put that
in your book?
- Yeah, it's in there.
- You gonna put that in your book?
I mean, it happened.
- That's depressing.
- I been there. I been there.
I had a fight with a guy when
I was a kid, and we both lost.
- That's crazy.
- That can happen.
How can you both... lost?
We both lost. It was, It was
the most horrible fight
Was it like Rocky? Where
you both, like...
- ... lay on the canvas?
- No, it was just a terrible fight.
It was just a terrible fight.
There was no winner
and we both lost.
It was the worst fight
I've ever had in my life.
That's a shame.
It was, we both lost.
[distant dog barking]
Uh, you know, you don't
have anything written down.
I mean, I know we offered
to help out...
I got it all up here.
- Oh!
- She's smart.
- She's fucking brilliant.
- She is smart.
- She's very smart.
- I wish I could retain...
He's gonna, he's gonna
help me write it.
Yeah, I was gonna...
She was gonna come over
tonight and then we was
just gonna... chill.
- Practice your penmanship.
- Yeah, pretty much.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- I got it.
- What?
- I get it. You get it?
- I think I do.
I mean, she's gonna get it.
I mean...
I know she's gonna get it.
How much do you get for
a book deal?
That's what I need
to know, 'cause
[hiccoughs] my book's
about my brand.
And like getting,
how to get a brand.
- All right, you like that?
- Yeah, I like that.
I'm gonna go swimming.
[upbeat, jazzy music ]
[gentle door knocking]
Can I... get you a glass
of wine or something?
- No, I'm fine.
- Okay.
Can you just do me
a favor, and stay behind...
right there?
You could lean,
do whatever, I just, this is,
you know, kind of a...
cooking space and
it needs to be sanitary
and all that stuff, so...
Okay, sure.
- Right here is good?
- Yeah, perfect!
All right.
Can I get you anything?
Noth... Hey!
Keep those sneakers away
from my kitchen.
Mmm. All right.
So your place has a
lesbiany vibe to it.
It really does. I feel like
I'm in a lesbian home.
There's lesbiany and not
Excuse me, what do you
mean? What should...
[stammering] Is the house
What should a "house
lesbiany" be...
- ... in your opinion?
- I don't know...
I've never been in a
lesbian house.
Actually, to be honest,
it is quite lesbionic.
It's very lesbian.
- Well...
- Is that a real word?
I think as real as lesbiany,
but it's, it's very...
Oh, baby!
Hi, sweetheart!
- Hi.
- How ya doing?
Did you have fun?
- I'm good.
- Did you wash your hands?
We're gonna eat in like an
Permission to enter
my own fucking kitchen?
Yes, but can you take off
your shoes, babe?
No, I'm not taking off my...
We have guests! I'm not
taking off my shoes.
I know but, don't touch!
What are you making?
It stinks in here.
- Babe, I'm making a quiche.
- Ich.
A fantastic quiche.
you're gonna make
a huge quiche for who?
Manny's gonna eat it and you're
gonna eat it and I'm gonna eat it.
Manny needs red meat.
He has a game coming up.
Why are you feeding my
son quiche?
What's wrong with quiche?
Don't feed my son quiche.
She's trying to
turn him gay.
I believe it. You know,
this is her dream.
Don't tell me this isn't
your dream.
- That's charming.
- This is her dream.
- Super-charming.
- I croak...
because I'm
a super athlete
and we always die young.
'Cause even though...
you know, we work
our bodies like a horse...
- I die young...
- Thoroughbred.
she moves to
New York City,
which she never stops
talking about,
in a little apartment
with her gay son...
- He's not gay.
- ... and his lover.
- Manny is so not gay.
- She's trying to make him gay.
...and his lover,
because here's her theory.
Gay men take care
of their moms.
That's not a theory,
that's a fact, my friend.
So he'll make her up, put
a wig on her, slap some...
take her to the Met ball.
That's what she thinks!
It's very specific 'cause
it's just occurring to me.
Why is it that lesbians,
who clearly... like women,
they seem to...
One of them tends to be
more masculine
than the other one.
And it seems to be that
they're almost mimicking
heterosexual couples
in a way.
Who do you think that is
in this couple?
You know what's
You're like the exception
to the rule.
You guys are.
[bouncy, jazz music ]
It's a long fly ball, going
back towards the wall!
He's going back!
He's going back!
And he snags it!
Just in front of the wall.
I do that every time.
That's a... here, take one.
A double off the wall,
in your case.
That looks really
It isn't really, but it's worth
the joke every time.
- Oh my god.
- So...
This is a great place to
hang out
and watch the ball game.
Yeah, I love baseball.
I love watching it.
I played it. I had dreams of
uh, of being good.
I played, I got an... offer of
a scholarship to Ball State,
but I didn't wanna go...
You know, I thought it
would be a lot of jokes.
You turned down
a scholarship
based on
the school's name?
I was cocky, you know?
I thought...
And then I wanted to
go down to Stetson.
Did you ever hear of that?
That's down in Florida.
Yeah, that's in Florida.
Near Orlando,
if I'm not mistaken.
Yeah, it is on
the east coast.
But someone said, "Oh,
you're gonna go into
the hat business?
So, it's uh, it's gonna be
a good season.
Your kid is a pretty
cracker jack ball player.
You think so?
I don't think so.
No? Well, I don't know.
Your son's the one
who's good.
Well, we're looking ahead.
We're looking to college.
I want him to get a, uh...
I'm hoping for
scholarship, uh...
I'm hoping for pro ball.
Making the big show.
That's what I'm
concentrating on.
Yeah, I just have a feeling.
He's not there yet, but um,
I'm gonna keep pounding
and keep after him. And uh
make sure he wants
to do it.
You know,
sometimes he's not sure
and I have to tell him, uh,
that he wants to do it.
I take him out to the
ball game and he loves it.
Sometimes kids don't
know what they want.
Um, I've actually pitched
to Rick.
And what you've got to do
is hit him a couple times
with the ball. Then they're
not afraid of it anymore.
You hit him? What, you
pitch the ball and hit him?
Just pitch at him.
Watch out!
Don't tell him I said that.
Can you imagine me
telling your son
that you throw at him, uh,
on purpose?
And the trouble is,
he's still afraid...
That made him
more afraid.
It would make me
more afraid too.
That's the craziest logic
I've ever heard.
But now he knows what
it feels like to be...
But, I mean, he's ten.
Shouldn't it just be
for fun now, or...
Why does it have to be
so serious?
Yeah, it could be
for fun now.
You know, you gotta
think of the future.
If you let kids
just have fun, uh...
they wouldn't do anything.
Oh crap.
Why do we bet on horses?
I- I don't get on horses.
[sighs] Well... It can be fun
if you ever win.
But you don't know what the
hell is going through their mind.
Well that's it. Thanks so
much for stopping by.
Good luck
with your project.
Aren't we gonna go
look in the house?
Uh, you can't get in
the house now, umm...
I can't get in?
You live out here?!
Yeah, yeah, temporarily.
I'm, uh...
This is where I crash, uh...
- Right now...
- Where does Ricky live?
He's with wife number two.
Andrea's number...
I'm joking, she's just
number four.
Uh... but she's the one...
I- I think we're gonna
get back together.
But I wanna give her
some time.
And right now, I don't want
any part of that.
Very nice house.
Thank you.
You know,
can I just say something?
Just a... I just wanna say...
It is so... nice of Marty...
to let you have
this beautiful house
while he sits out there.
And I'm not saying that
you should feel guilty
or invite him in.
You're divorced. I...
However you've done it,
you've earned this place,
what have you, but...
What are you
talking about?
I'm paying this house,
not him.
I'm letting him stay.
You're letting him stay?
[cell phone ringing]
Yeah. Oh, wait.
I've gotta take this call.
- Hold on a sec, please.
- Okay.
[phone continues to ring]
Hey! Umm...
Today's not a good day.
Oh, it's not?
All right.
Well I appreciate your time
anyhow. Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- Thank you very much.
I didn't mean to
bother you or anything.
It's all right.
So it's really important
to ice the shoulder
that you don't use
as much?
Oh yeah. Yeah.
That's just as tired as
the throwing arm.
Huh, all right.
You eat a lot of fruit.
Oh yeah, I love fruit.
In the morning, though.
A lot of vegetables?
Love veggies.
Work out a lot?
Every day.
Yeah, I don't know
how you live like that.
It's not for everybody.
Get it in! Get it in!
Come bring it over here!
Coach Jimbo's got
something to say!
Parents too!
You going over to
the meeting?
Yeah, we'll be there
in a minute.
All right.
Line 'em up!
- Line 'em up.
- Parents too, please!
Parents, you understand?
Team parents.
Line up, parents!
Make a circle.
I can't express to you how
important this Friday is.
But he will!
If we win Friday,
we get in the playoffs!
Playoff time!
If we don't win, we're out!
We out!
- If we lose.
- If we lose.
We're gonna win!
But we gonna win.
Here's what we're gonna
We don't have the field
before the game!
That means you gotta
practice at home!
That means, parents!
[snaps fingers]
Down to the batting cages!
And bring the kids with
Three things!
No skateboarding.
- No scootering.
- Please!
No swimming.
But most importantly...
... no swimming.
- No baths!
- No swimming!
Do not get in the water!
Okay, I don't need any
You can take a bath.
They can take a bath.
But I'd prefer a shower.
Don't submerge your body
under water!
That's right.
You can shower!
All right, you got
your marching orders!
Let's go!
Go Cubs!
Go get 'em!
Ah, I think I got through to
them. Not sure.
[Coach Jimbo]: I'm gonna
call, followup with an email...
you have my word,
this is the last time
I'm gonna ask you.
But it would just mean so
much to me,
if I could just spend a
minute with you.
Here. Now. Just like, let's
just talk. Just for a minute.
I couldn't even if
I wanted to.
I'm already talking to
somebody about a movie.
You're talking to somebody
about a movie? Who?
Don't worry about it.
Somebody. People.
Somebody on the team?
I can't tell you that.
I can tell you that Barnaby and I
are gonna be living the high life.
That's right.
Walk away.
Baby, you're not breathing.
[bat hitting ball]
Ah! That's my...
that's a breathe. You see?
Of course he's breathing.
He has to breath.
What do you know about
baseball anyhow,
that you're telling him this?
Jack, that's it, because
you're breathing, honey!
Well, lemme tell you this.
- Yeah.
- He's planning on a movie.
He's planning on making
a movie, come on!
Oh please, come on.
That's not important, Max.
It's just not.
This is what's important.
All right, Jack.
What do you say,
after we're done here
we go swimming?
I'd love to go swimming!
He'd love to go swimming!
No swimming!
- Yes.
- No swimming.
- Yes.
- No swimming.
You go.
Your turn.
Okay, okay.
- What?
- Enough. Good.
That's enough swimming.
It's enough swimming?
We've hardly been in here.
That's it!
That's crazy.
It's not crazy,
it's the coach's orders.
Everybody out of the pool!
Can't you see that the
coaches orders
make no sense
I actually do not see that,
to tell you the truth.
I think they make
a lot of sense.
What could possibly
happen to him?
I'm just...
I'm supporting the coach.
What's wrong with
supporting the coach?
Let me tell you something
about supporting the coach.
I just had a little talk
with Jack, okay?
And we have decided...
You're in agreement
with me, correct?
He is no longer going to
keep the bat on his shoulder.
When he sees a pitch
he wants to hit,
he's going to swing away.
Is that correct sir?
That is correct.
Did I force you to say that?
Did I intimidate you
in any way?
Okay, your honor, I, uh...
I rest my case.
You're teaching him
to go up against authority.
You know what?
You're right.
I apologize.
Jack, you do not automatically
go up against authority.
But I'll tell you something,
man. Big lesson.
You're a little young
to bring it up,
but I'm gonna tell you
right now.
Question authority.
Question it constantly.
Question, question,
I'll tell you something else.
He's more concerned with
what snacks they serve
after a game. That's right.
So let's say you have a
You can have cupcakes for
a snack after the game.
Uh, but if you do that, your
team loses nine to six.
Or you guys win nine to six
and you... get celery.
Which would you choose?
Lose and get a cupcake.
Lose and get a cupcake!
These are great life
I say that's the attitude of
a winner!
Yeah, no. These are uh,
just the greatest
life lessons you are
teaching our son.
I don't even wanna do this
movie anymore.
- No more research.
- Good!
I just wanna go
watch my son...
have fun playing baseball.
I wanna watch our son,
have fun, winning at
I think it's actually
rude of us and wrong
to even watch him play.
I think the one thing kids
don't need to play baseball
is parents.
For parents
one game a season.
They can call it
"Parents Game. "
And the kids will know that
that game sucks.
And what are you gonna do
when parents can come?
Your coach is your leader.
You have to respect what he says.
- All right.
If he tells you to keep
the bat on your shoulder,
he knows how to win.
The coach knows
how to win, Jack.
Oh my God.
Bring it in! Bring it in!
Oh my God.
Everybody bring it in!
What the hell's going one?
Bring it!
Gather round!
Gather round!
Gather round!
The coach is rolling in.
Not all right.
Uh, parents, take a knee.
Take a knee.
Parents, take a knee.
Um, if you don't mind,
I'm not gonna take a knee,
because I've got pebbles
in there and it hurts.
I'll do it on the grass.
Not here, please.
Okay, okay. So listen.
We've got a challenge, all
It's called a challenge.
I know that I told you
a few days ago...
no swimming!
He said no swimming
at all!
Well, the other night, I...
thought I'd take
a quick dip.
He dipped!
No! No! No!
No swimming!
- No swimming!
- I'm not proud of it.
Coach is human.
That's what they learn
They find out I'm human.
I'm not a god.
I'm not perfect
like they thought.
You know what I have to
say?! Poof! Poof!
The game goes poof.
Hey! Coach's lesson.
This is not
a coach's lesson.
I hope...
it was worth it, coach.
Because this is
the most important day
of these kids' lives.
It's a very important day
for all of us, coach!
And what are we gonna do
now, huh?
- Our kids don't win this game today,
- Turn me around.
they don't win the game
next week!
I'm not looking at you until
you look at me...
with admiration!
Fuck you!
Don't you ever! Ow!
Don't watch! Don't look!
Don't look! Turn away!
Turn around, turn around.
The children mustn't see the
coach in a moment of weakness!
Turn around.
Everybody turn around.
Play ball!
[distant crowd chatter]
That's it!
Way to go, Ricky!
That's it, Manny!
That a boy!
What's on going on out
there?! You all good?!
Oh, hi.
I'm good. How are you?
You enjoying your day
Yeah, it's been fabulous.
Everyday is fabulous,
It is.
Must be really nice
being sunshine.
- Right?
Ah! I should have
my dark shades on.
- Oh, yeah.
- [laughs]
You know? A lot of guys
would see a lady like you...
and go for a home run.
You know what I
prefer to do?
- I like hits.
- Yeah?
Like getting on base.
First base. Second base.
Third base.
Load the bases up.
And then what happens?
[bat hitting ball]
- Oh!
I bring everybody home.
[cheers and applause]
You like that idea?
- I love it.
- Heart that?
They're cheering for me
right now!
What did I miss?
Oh! The coach broke
his leg!
- What?
- He showed up in a cast.
A full body cast
up to his hip!
'Cause he was swimming!
He went swimming.
- The coach broke his leg swimming?
- Yes!
You're kidding, right?
No, we don't have a coach.
After all that?!
Oh my god!
That's hysterical!
No, it's not hysterical.
It's the furthest thing
from hysterical!
We don't have a coach!
- Okay. I won't, uh, enjoy it.
- Ah!
Eyes forward! Have you
guys seen Coach Ted?
No, we haven't seen him
We'd love to know
where he is.
can you cover first?
- It's gonna cost you, coach.
- How much?
Only $100.
- 100 bucks?!
- Yep.
- No!
- I'll do it.
Woman cannot coach!
Who else? [stammering]
Who can cover first?
- Come on!
- I can, coach.
No, not gonna happen.
Who else?
I can coach,
but it has to be third base.
I've got to be the one that
flags the runners home.
Not gonna happen.
Max, will you help me?
No, no. I'm not
comfortable with doing it.
I'm not a woman!
I can coach!
No. No!
- Max, get out there!
- [sighs]
All right,
I will coach... first base.
[indistinguisable chatter]
Oh! Roger!
I'm spinning my wheels!
Get me some sand!
Get some sand!
You make me sick
to my ass!
I don't even know what
that means.
I don't.
Wow, Max.
First base...
Big job.
Big job!
Come on, hustle!
Hustle, Max!
[clears throat]
Sorry, Blue.
Come on!
Get in position!
Replacement coach.
No, no.
Too close to the base!
Rule book.
Three feet.
Watch me.
Watch me!
All right, Jack!
All right.
All right, Jackie!
Rest that bat!
Just don't...
don't try anything!
[cheering and applause]
That was a beauty.
He should have swung!
You know,
he, he's got a strategy.
He's, he's doing what
the coach is telling him.
That's right!
And that is a good thing!
- That's a very good thing,
- Good thing.
No, no swinging.
Number two, Jack.
- All right, all right.
- That's okay.
[encouraging applause]
- That's great, Jack!
- Eyes here!
- Elbows up!
Eyes here, Max!
Striiike three!
- Oh!
- Way to go, way to go!
- It was a beautiful pitch!
- That's okay!
- That is okay, baby!
- Jack, it's all right!
Why didn't he swing?
All right, hold on!
- That's okay.
- Stevie!
- There you go!
- Come on, Stevie!
Hush, hush.
Let him concentrate.
- Swing away!
- Come on!
There's a ball!
- Yeah, that's the way!
- Good eye, good eye!
That's the way!
Good eye!
- Good eye.
- Swing away!
Way to keep an eye on
the ball, son!
- There you go!
- Come on, honey!
He called it right.
- Ball three!
- Very good.
- Very good, son!
- Let him pitch to you!
- Let him pitch to you!
- Don't worry!
You let him throw you
a good pitch, huh?
I don't even think
he's aware of the ball.
The guy can't throw.
Ball four!
[cheering and applause]
Take your base.
Take your base!
Take your base!
- Take your base!
- Yeah, yeah, yeah!
You're on base!
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
- Take your base!
- You're on base!
- Yeah, yeah, yeah!
- You earned it!
- You're on base!
- Good eyes, Blue!
Good job, good job.
It's just like a hit.
- Just like a hit, Steven.
- Thank you.
here's how you do this...
Do not touch the child!
Don't touch him!
- Do not touch the child!
- Don't touch the kid!
- Do not touch the child!
- Don't touch him!
- You can't touch the child...
- Rule book!
Page 37!
- Okay, I won't touch him!
- No touching.
Okay, so take as big
a lead as you want.
And when he throws
the ball... have fun.
- Okay.
- Steal if you feel like it.
- Have you stolen before?
- No.
- Then today's the day.
- All right.
[upbeat, jazzy music ]
[no other sound audible]
Let's do this!
Eyes forward! Listen up!
Seriously, has anyone seen
Coach Ted?
Have you seen him?!
All right, fine.
This is it.
Last inning.
Last at bat.
We're down by one.
If we don't win this,
we don't go to the playoffs.
And if we don't go to
the playoffs...
it's like we didn't...
even... exist!
There will be no
monument to you.
There will be no tribute.
No one will sing
your name in a song!
We're smoke.
[imitates the wind]
We're nil.
Think about that.
Get out there and
play your pants off!
Let's go!
Can you?
Get me out!
Push me!
They gotta have posts
Let's go, coach!
Get your batter up!
- Get your batter up!
- Let's go, let's go!
Okay dokie,
here we gokie!
- Get your batter in the box!
- Max, watch me, okay?
I am... I'm watching you.
- Pitcher!
- No batter, pitch it!
What are...
What are you doing?!
- Batter! We need a batter!
- What?!
- Batter! Batter!
- Who's up? Who's up?!
You can't throw to no
We need to have
somebody out there.
Barnaby, get out there!
[excited crowd chatter]
Come on, you're down two!
- Barnaby, don't swing at it!
- Only if it's good, kid.
Striiike three!
Good day, sir!
Come on, use your eyes!
Max, watch me!
I'm watching you!
I've spent the whole time
watching you!
I'm not getting this
"watch me" stuff.
Strike three!
Good day, sir!
All right, well now
we're in a big hole!
- A weak at bat!
- All right, Bennett!
- Bennett!
- Yes!
Batter up!
Here we go!
- Here we go.
- Two down!
[loud cheering]
- Go, go, go!
In your face, pitcher!
Get a good lead.
Get a good lead...
- as soon as he throws it.
- In your face!
- All right, Manny!
- Whoo!
Keep your elbows up!
Come on, use your eyes!
Breathe, Manny!
- Swing for the fences!
- Two down, two down!
- Go, go, go!
- Let's go, let's go!
Hold up, hold up!
Hold it up!
Hold it up!
Keep your foot
on that base.
Great job, Manny!
My God, did you see that?
How was that?
Ah, Jack.
[clicks tongue]
Let's go, Jack.
[sighs deeply]
[whooshing sound]
- What am I doing here?
- [chuckles]
I don't want to be
involved in this shit.
Oh, come on.
You love it.
I love the boy.
And I love baseball.
I don't know that
I love this shit.
[loud sigh]
You're doing great.
Well, thanks.
Thanks a lot.
I'm gonna be okay.
I'll do it.
I can do it.
Nothing to freak out about.
[whooshing sound]
[encouraging applause]
Rest the bat!
Like we talked about, Jack!
Just swing.
No swinging!
Keep the bat on
your shoulder!
Striiike two!
Oh, come one!
I can't watch.
Remember what
we talked about!
Keep the bat on
your shoulder.
Rest the bat, Jack.
Pray for a walk, here.
Two down!
[wild cheering
and applause]
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
No, don't touch him!
- What?
- Out!
I told you not to touch
the child!
The Cubs forfeit!
A's win!
Good day, sir!
- What?!
- Out!
- No!
- What's happening?
No touching the child!
He's out!
What are you
talking about?!
That's my son!
I warned you!
Do not touch the child!
He hasn't gotten a hit all
season! We hugged!
- I said, "Don't touch him!"
- They already scored!
I warned you not
to touch the child!
What do you mean, you
warned me?!
You touched the child!
Cub's forfeit!
A's win!
That's crazy!
You know what?
You're a fucking idiot!
You're a fucking idiot!
What the fuck are you
talking about?!
You, You're not allowed
to touch the child, sir!
You hugged the child!
I hugged the child?!
What the fuck's wrong
with you?!
You know who
needs a hug?!
You do, you fucking
piece of shit umpire!
You need a hug!
That's right!
[laughing crazily]
[grunting angrily]
Who needs a hug?
You accident-prone,
locksmith brother-hating,
copy-making piece of shit
You! You!
You need a hug!
Fuck you!
Who are you?
I got no clue who you are!
You're a parent from
the other team!
That's who you are!
Fuck you!
Fuck you!
You fuckers, you fuckers.
You ruined everything
for me!
Fuck you!
Fuck all of you.
Fuck all of you.
You, you!
You, you Soldier
of Fortune-hiding...
He reads Soldier
of Fortune!
He reads Soldier
of Fortune!
I love ya!
I love ya!
[laughing crazily]
I love ya! Oh!
And look at you guys.
What are you all
uptight for?
You're always so
fucking happy!
Look at you!
Always got something
to say!
You know what you two
should do?
You two should fuck!
That's right!
The two of you should be
pumping away.
Pumping away!
How's this for
an instructional video?!
You cocksucker!
Let daddy squeeze
the lesbian out of you!
[whispering] I know you
don't have any money.
And, uh, it's okay.
Just be yourself.
You don't need to have
a lot of money for that.
I'm not gonna hug ya!
I'm not gonna hug ya!
'Cause you're not wearing
a shirt!
Nanny goat! Nanny goat!
Rah, rah, rah!
At night...
I jizz on the field!
I jizz all over the field!
This is for all... the
married men everywhere.
Here's what I'm gonna do.
Oh yes! Oh yes!
[laughing madly
and catching breath]
[under his breath]:
What was I thinking?
[cheerful, jazzy music ]
[song ends ]
[ Glassell Park:
"Calm Me Down"]
[song ends ]
[distant sounds
of kids playing]
[metallic tape measure
[wobbling continues]