Detention of the Dead (2012) Movie Script
1
Show me the side
streets in your life
Train yards like bone
yards sharpened knives
Sidewalks are unassuming fields
concrete and cracks
won't cut you deals
Won't cut you deals, won't cut you
Lost teeth like white
jewels of some kind
Petty theft for penny crimes
for penny crimes, and we yell
Ah, like a good old
fashioned nightmare
Ahh
ah, like a good old
fashioned nightmare
Ahh
life being drained
through end of lives
Still we've got nothing but time
The skyline looks brighter tonight
let's go smash out every light
your left foot in front of right
In front of right, and we yell
Ah, like a good old
fashioned nightmare
Ahh
ah, like a good old
fashioned nightmare
Ahh
Ah! Detention. Boring.
I can think of a few things
we can do to kill some time.
Brad, baby, you remember
this is what got us into
detention in the first place.
You only got me for three
more months till graduation.
And it's off to boot camp
before officer training.
- I know, Bradikins, it's just...
- I'm just saying, that was the time
to show your support
for our troops.
You do... support...
- our troops.
- I do, it's...
Hi, Janet. Brad.
I didn't know you'd
be in detention.
Whatever.
I saw you got a "D"
on the cal test.
Yeah, well, Mr. Corbin is a sexist.
I'm sure. Anyway, I thought,
maybe, I don't know...
I could tutor you.
Hey, Ed, remember how I
like to hang out with you?
Oops.
Hell, yeah.
Shit.
Hey.
Yo.
You got it?
Doth the Ashman ever fail you?
You're sure it won't
pop in a piss test?
100% untraceable.
Dude, if Marky MCG had
been popping these,
he could've run for congress
instead of lying in front of them.
Good. And you're sure
you can get more?
I've got the straight hook up.
Wait. What's the m for?
Um...
Uh, midalithamethamine.
That's uh, its clinical name.
Hey, I've heard of that.
Smart guy.
I am a renegade
don't fit in with the fold, baby?
Doin' time on the West Side way?
Taking it day by day
hell, yeah
Uh, Edster. Did you come
to visit me in the big D?
Uh, no, I got detention, too.
No way. You got detention?
Now when your mom accuses me
of being a bad influence,
she actually has a leg to stand on.
Uh, yeah.
Can the Ashman interest
you in his other wears?
Grade a. Called blue sky.
And trust me, it will
get you soaring.
Yeah.
No. No go, dude.
This body's a temple.
There's no way I'm polluting
it with that shit.
Check it.
I tell you, Edster, if I
ever meet George Romero,
I'm gonna seduce him and bear
him little zombie babies.
But then they would probably eat
us which would be kind of sad
because that means no
more living dead movies.
But it would be a great metaphor
for what kids end up
doing to their parents
when they turn into teenagers.
Right, Ed?
Mrs. Rumblethorp?
Eddie.
I was wondering if you decided yet
about telling principal McMann.
Marksamus! Mi amigo.
How doth it hang?
Oh, whoa, bro, you OK?
It's my hand.
Some crazy bum bit me
out in the parking lot.
I'm sorry. I don't think
I can just ignore this.
What you did is serious.
It's illegal.
Not to mention dangerous.
You can't tell him because
this is my chance.
It's Harvard.
Well, here, let
Dr. Ash take a look.
I got the cure for
what ails you. Here.
Oh, whoa, dude!
You got some legit
nurse visiting rights.
Yo, Mrs. rumbles!
Ms. Ro, I think you should
check mark man's hand.
No, I told you...
Marksamus.
For serious, hit the nurse.
For one thing, she's like 10
times hotter than rumbles.
Mrs. rumbles!
That dude's totally got rabies.
You don't go rabid in
a couple of hours.
Ok, back up, everyone.
Uh, Mrs. Rumblethorp...
Help her!
He's strangling her!
On the count of 3.
He's not letting go.
1, 2, 3!
My uniform!
Jesus Christ, she's like
bleeding to death,
and you're worried
about your uniform?
It's blood. Do you know how
hard blood is to get out?
Guys!
I think Marksamus is dead zone.
Uh, I'm gonna get help.
Willow, we need something
to stop the bleeding.
This is dry clean only.
- Hey!
- Problem solved.
Uh... guys?
Come here!
What are they doing?
What kind of rabies is this?
It's not rabies.
They're zombies.
Holy fucklestein!
Oh, my God! What are we gonna do!
I say we get the hell out of here.
Damn straight.
I don't think that's a good idea.
- What?
- No, look, look, look!
The guy who bit mark must
have bit other kids.
If they turn into zombies
and bite other students,
you've got what you call
infinitely expanding
growth potential. Huh?
One zombie equals
many more zombies.
Oh.
So we can't go out there.
We don't know how many
more could be out there.
They could be everywhere.
What are you saying, we
should stay here and hide?
Mrs. Rumblethorp, you
shouldn't be standing.
She's trying to say something.
Oh, hey, you really need
to stop doing that.
It's even grossing me out.
- Brad, baby.
- What?
Kill it.
Why me? Jim, you kill it.
I'll get the next one.
- You're the one joining the ROTC.
- So.
So go get all hoo-rah on his ass.
Sorry, but I think staying
in there is a bad idea.
Agreed.
I hope I become a ghost
How long before she, you know...
I don't know, but
we can't leave her.
I hope I become a ghost
and make sure the
future turns out fine
I hope I become a ghost
and when the world
is said and done
Signs will become so close
and there will be
nowhere that I can't run
Ooh
ahh
ohh
Uh, to the back, come on. Come on!
And watch all my
grandchildren growing old
Some they will remember me
and others through the
stories they've been told
Now I don't intend to frighten you
I just want to see if
what I think is true
Cause then and only
then we'll know
If it was worth it
to become a ghost
This is the future of
our American military?
I know. Pretty soon even the
French will conquer us.
Chuck? Yeah, man, hit that shit.
Shit.
I'll check if principal
McMann is here.
Babykins, you won't let
them hurt me, will you?
Janet, babe, I have years
of military experience.
Alright, they won't
lay a finger on you.
You have years of
military experience?
Yeah. I've been paintballing
with my dad since I was 6.
Principal McMann?
Oh, damn it! I got nothing.
Uh, I got nothing here.
Yeah. Me neither.
Nor I.
Me, too.
Maybe all these, uh, corpsicles
are creating some kind of
undead zone.
Hey, Lilly and Ashley
are out there.
They are? Well, open the door.
Let them in.
They're a little busy right now.
Doing what?
Eating Rick Bliscan.
What are you laughing at?
Uh, well, when uh, Ashley
and Lilly were alive,
they were always talking about
who would get a piece
of Rick's ass first.
So?
Lilly won.
Oh, fuck.
That's not funny.
Well, it's a little funny.
Kind of cool.
No, no, no. This is not cool.
I know you all are raging
freakazoids and all,
but even ones as far removed
from cooldom as you
should still understand
how much further from
coolness this situation is.
Yeah.
Janet, you should
really lighten up.
Lighten up? No, this is
no time to lighten up.
If anything, we should
all be getting heavier.
Well, maybe you should
stop upchucking
after every meal then.
Hey! Janet's right.
This is serious.
And serious times call for...
Serious minds.
Thank God we have you then.
Was principal McMann in there?
Partly.
I don't want to die here.
Ok.
This zombie shit
is really starting to
harsh my mellow, OK?
All right, look.
Come on, you too, Willow.
Get in here.
All right, this school
is crawling with God knows
how many zomb-heads.
We need to find
somewhere to hold up.
And we need to fortify.
Well, yeah, but everywhere we go,
there's going to be
deadheads already there.
Yeah, we need somewhere
no one goes to.
The library.
Why would we go there?
It's perfect. One major
entrance and plenty of shelves
to barricade the door.
Sounds easily defendable.
Yeah, and it's right down the hall.
Good. 'Cause all this
running and shit
is tuckering the Ashman out.
Yeah, I don't think
Mrs. Rumblethorpe
can take much more moving around.
Most important...
Yeah?
Not a single student in this school
would be caught dead there.
Don't you mean caught...
Undead there?
What do we do about that, brainiac?
From the little observations
that I've been able to make,
- zombies seem to be uni-attentional.
- Ok. What?
Zombies only pay attention to
what's right in front of them.
So, so if we don't draw
their attention...
We should just be able
to walk right by.
You go first.
Way to go, Edster!
This way!
Downstairs. Go! Go!
Hey! Hey! Come here!
Come and get me! Come and get me!
Hey! Go, go, go!
Come and get me!
Come and get me.
Come here.
- In the library!
- Get the door! Get the door!
Go! Go!
Yeah!
Aha!
Yeah! Hell, yeah!
Jesus, Eddie.
I know, I didn't think
that would actually work.
Ok, she's not looking too good.
I can't believe this is happening.
I am student council
vice president.
Junior prom queen, and
head cheerleader,
and I have a serious problem
with the direction
this school is taking.
Well, I'd adjust
quickly if I were you,
or the next popularity
contest you'll be winning
is most likely to get eaten
by the student body.
Aah! Oh!
Again?
Damn it, Janet. Help me.
What should I do?
Here. Hold her neck.
Keep pressure on it.
Eddie's been studying medical
school since like infancy,
so maybe he knows.
Ew!
Hey, what is it?
Oh, nothing big.
Just the end of the world.
Ah! Ah!
Mrs. Rumblethorp?
Oh, please don't be dead.
Please?
Ok...
Ok... Ok.
Come on. Janet!
Bradikins. You saved me.
Guys, help me!
Whoa.
Aah!
Did she bite you?
No! I bent my finger weird.
I can't hold her much longer.
- Her brain. Her brain!
- What?
Eddie's right, the only
way to kill a zombie
is destroy its brain.
That cuntress has been riding
me since I was a freshman.
It's time for some payback.
Bring her to me.
How you like me now,
Rumbly Thumbly? Hmm?
It looks like rob zombie
raped the entire
cast of gossip girl
and this is their angry love child.
And who knows what it's
like everywhere else.
Tried the land lines. Nothing.
So we're completely cutoff
from the rest of the world?
What about the Internet?
None of our phones
can get a signal.
School computer?
Really?
That thing's so ancient
it makes old tron
look cutting edge.
It's worth a try, ok?
You know, maybe we
can email for help.
Or tweet. OMG, zombies
attacking the school.
Send help pronto.
Here goes nothing.
This might take awhile.
Well, if this isn't a commentary
on the current state
of public education,
I don't know what is.
Yeah, that helps.
Feet in the air and
head on the ground
You try this trick and spin it
Your head will collapse
but there's nothing in it
So you ask yourself
everything will be OK.
Look at you.
You are way too hot to die.
Where is my mind
way out in the water,
see it swimming
I was swimming...
Like the werewolves
are to vampires,
or are you team Switzerland?
Oh, yeah, me too, yeah.
Except the little fish
but they told me, he
swears tryin' to talk to me
Where is my mind, where is my mind
Where is my mind?
Way out in the water,
see it swimming
Um, hey, guys, I think
we have a problem
of incalculable proportion.
Huh?
Big problem.
Oh.
Are they getting in?
No, no, not yet, Janet.
But they will.
There's no way they're gonna
make it through the barricade.
Their numbers are growing,
Jimmy. They're gonna get in.
Well, then I say we run for it.
No, no, that's...
yeah, he's right.
All right, we make a run.
Maybe someone out there
has a cure or something.
Yeah, and go back out there?
- Yeah.
- With them?
Bradikins, baby,
I can't do it. I can't.
Ok, look.
I've seen about every
zombie movie there is,
and one internal
truth in all of them
is that going outside equals bad.
- Exactly.
- I say we run for it.
And outrun the high
school of the damned.
Look, from what I've seen,
I don't need to outrun one of them.
I need to outrun one of you.
And I'm pretty damned sure
I can beat asthma boy here.
I don't have asthma.
Not all dorky kids have asthma.
Yeah, look, we make a run.
Right, some of us will make it.
Look at her.
She's got big-ass boots on.
She can't run.
- Survival of the fittest.
- Hoo-rah.
I breathe just fine. Thank you.
Oh, Bradikins, I can't go
out there and compete.
I play sports.
I'm totally OK with the
current living situation.
I'm just saying.
I bowl. I'm a bowler.
I'm an excellent bowler.
Eddie, focus, come on.
Focus, please.
Sorry. Right, sorry. Jimmy.
Jimmy, your plan only works if
we all agree to go out there,
and clearly there is a
large dissenting opinion
that plans just stay put.
Like me.
And me. Brad, babe...
You won't leave me here, will you?
We stay.
Come on!
Oh, you guys seriously
need to chillax.
Chillax?
Yeah. Look on the bright side.
Bright side? The school
is overrun with zombies.
What's the bright side?
When else do you get to
decapitate your English teacher
and then continue to
torment her undead head?
Right, Mrs. Rummy Thumber?
Oh! No biting! That's a bad
Mrs. Rumbly Thumbly. Huh?
Detention for you!
Ash! Stop taunting the undead.
All right.
All right, look. I got it.
If we're going to stay,
we need to treat this
like a siege situation.
Our greatest danger is lying
either a frontal breach
of our defenses,
or a small scale incursion
via an as yet
unrecognized weak point.
We do some recon.
Eddie, you're a book geek, right?
You know how to look
stuff up and shit?
Sure.
Maybe there's something
in here that can help.
Zombie stuff, like a how-to
survive a zombie attack.
Or what to do if bitten.
This is a high school library,
so I'm not sure there's a
lot of reference material
on zombies.
Yeah, too bad this
isn't the library
from Buffy the vampire slayer
cause they had a wicked
dark art selection.
What?
I liked the two gay witches.
Wicked chicks are hot.
Ow.
Damn it! There's gotta
be something, right?
Sorry, but when it
comes to living dead,
your best source of info
is right in front of you.
Between Eddie and I, we've
seen about every movie,
read every comic book and
played every video game
that has anything
to do with zombies.
Yeah, that's right.
When it comes to zombie
survival, we're the bad asses.
Fine. Eddie, Willow, you'll
act as our intelligence...
Well, that's in no way
ominous or foreboding.
Baby?
Janet, babe, don't worry, OK?
I'll kill anything that
comes through the door.
Jimmy!
Jimmy!
Oh, man, no!
Jimmy... Hey. Hang in there.
I don't feel so good.
All right. I'll give you some air.
Hang in there.
This is not getting us anywhere.
Stay there!
Ugh.
Whoa.
I mean we can't just
leave him there.
He's gonna turn.
Hey, we all saw what happened
to Mrs. Rumblethorp.
So, what? You want to
throw him out the window?
It's Jimmy for Christ sakes.
Not for long, bro.
Brad, baby, they're right.
You know they're right.
Ah, fuck.
Brad.
Jimmy.
Hoo-rah.
No!
Hoo-rah...
We're all gonna die.
We're all gonna die!
We're all gonna die.
Janet, it's gonna be OK.
We're gonna be OK.
We're gonna be OK.
Uh, um, group hug.
Thanks, guys.
I'm OK now.
Wonder what caused all this.
Nuclear fallout?
Military super soldier experiments.
Meteors.
Biological weapons.
Aliens.
Diseased monkeys.
You know what I don't get?
Mark. When he turned all
aberzombie and Fitch,
he was still pretty fast.
But Marion the zombrarian
was all slow and stumbly.
Clearly each zombie retains
some of their physical attributes
from when they were alive.
All right. Enough.
Enough.
We all seriously need to chillax
before someone pops a blood vessel.
Chillax? What the fuck is chillax?
Chill. And relax.
When the powers combine, chillax.
Whatever.
All I'm saying is I think it's time
to intro a little...
Mellow.
Hmm? Hmm? Hmm?
To this pity party.
Sweet. Share the wealth.
As the lady dark doth command.
Wait, is that marijuana pot?
Something like that.
I don't think this is the
time to be getting high.
I need something to calm my nerves.
What say you, Bradtasm?
Yeah, fuck it.
For medicinal purposes.
Secondhand smoke?
Won't the zombies get the munchies?
Ed, they already have them.
Fine.
Smoking weed equals death.
What?
In the movies,
smoking the weed equals death.
Drinking equals death.
Having sex equals death.
Basically having fun in any
way will get you killed.
Right. Horror movies are total
moral righty conservative
propaganda bullshit.
Tell me about it.
I've never been so
happy to be a virgin.
What?
I'm waiting for the right girl.
Uh, sure, if by the right girl
you mean someone lame enough
to sleep with your ass.
No, no. I mean...
Yeah, whatever.
High school sucks.
Just do it.
Oh...
What was that? What is it?
Oh...
He was enjoying it, too.
Ugh!
Uh, me and uh, pale tits mistress
of the extreme eyeliner
are regulars in the good
ship detention, but um,
what the hell are you
three doing here?
Nothing.
Oh, come on.
What's an 18th level wizard
dungeons and dragons geek
like you doing in detention?
I'm a paladin.
What?
Wizards are for spazzes and losers.
Right. Right.
So what about you, sweet cheeks?
Oh.
Well, nothing. We were just
caught in the bathroom.
What were you guys
doing in the bathroom?
Are you... in the bathroom?
That's gross.
I'm just playing.
Check it, Willow-winds,
uh, Slutskin McDrop-her-drawers
is embarrassed.
No. We were...
We were just kissing.
Oh, get off it, Janet.
Everyone in this school
knows you got a mouth
that could suck start a jet engine.
Hey, come on.
Fuck you.
And fuck you, too!
What, you boys get to chase
every ass in tight jeans,
but I do what it takes
to satisfy my boyfriend,
and I'm a slut?
Pretty much.
You don't get it.
No one does.
Get what?
How hard it is to be me.
Oh, please.
There's so much pressure that
comes with being popular.
Everything I do, everything
I wear is judged.
By everyone.
Oh, poor you.
I always have to say
the right thing,
wear the newest clothes,
date the coolest guy.
And in the end,
you all still hate me.
We don't hate you.
Yes, you do.
You social rejects hate
me because I'm popular.
And the popular kids
hate me because...
I'm more popular than them.
Well, if being popular is so rough,
then why don't you,
I don't know, stop trying
to be the queen bee.
That's easy for you to say.
You've never been popular.
You're not the only one
whose felt uh, so trapped
by who they are.
That they did something stupid.
Really, really stupid.
Holy shit.
Where'd you get a gun?
You were gonna columbine us?
I wasn't gonna columbine you.
The gun is for me.
You were gonna off
yourself in detention?
Is this because I make fun of you?
No.
Is it because I didn't
go to prom with you?
What? No. I didn't
even ask you to prom.
It's because of her.
I thought you and the rumbles
were all apt pupillage and whatnot.
Yeah, we were, till
she found these.
Adderall?
I was just using Adderall
to help me study.
Mrs. Rumblethorp just caught me.
And they weren't
prescribed to me. Per se.
So you were riding
the Adderall train
to Ivy league town.
Yeah. I got into Harvard.
I studied my butt off to
get out of this shit hole.
To get into somewhere where
I wasn't put in a urinal
for wanting to learn.
That's why I'm in detention.
And look, I want to live.
I want to live through this.
But to do that, we'd
need to work together.
We'd need to put all our petty,
stupid self interests aside
and work for the greater good.
Well, this is high
school, so fat chance.
Damn it, Ash, this isn't a joke!
Two hours ago, she's
running detention
and accusing you of smoking out.
I fail to see the
difference, Eddie.
Guys?
Look, Edstser,
there's one thing I know
and it's when push
comes getting eaten,
it's every man, cheerleader,
meathead, dork,
and scary yet strangely
attractive goth chick
- for themselves.
- Hey, guys...
That's the attitude that's
gonna get us killed!
Dude, we're all dead meat anyways.
Might as well enjoy
the ride, Edster.
Guys!
- What?
- Listen.
Hit it!
Get it out of here!
Get it out of here!
Get it, Eddie! Get it!
Get it out of here!
Get it out of here!
You saved me.
Oh, my head.
What?
What do I do? What do I do?
Pry its fingers off.
Stay still!
Ah, screw that!
Relax. I got this.
Janet, help me!
Shoot it fast. Shoot it!
No, no, no! Don't shoot it.
Oh, my God.
Oh, I got you, Ed!
I got you, Ed.
Ah... ah... ah...
1... 2... 3...
That was intense.
What's the math say?
That the amount of
zombies out there,
should they make a
concerted effort...
Yeah?
They'd break through
in about 35 seconds.
So we're basically screwed.
Yeah.
Is that what you really want?
Yeah.
What?
She's beautiful.
Sexy. Super popular.
Perky. Not to mention perky.
I'm a big fan of perky.
You're just like the
rest of these idiots.
You were a bunch of mindless
zombies before any
of this happened.
Trying so hard to fit
into their little clique.
Trying so hard to hide anything
that might make them stand out.
I mean, God forbid
we don't all fit into
this cookie cutter mold
that everyone puts us in.
Popular girl.
Bully.
Stoner idiot.
Dorky loser.
I'm not like them.
Sure you are.
You'd die for one night with Janet.
Not because you love her
or that you care for her.
Just because she's what
everybody tells you
you should strive for.
And you were going to
kill yourself last night.
Why?
Because you weren't going
to get into Harvard?
So what, Eddie.
Does that mean your life
isn't worth living?
You're right.
Maybe I need to...
I don't know, grow up a bit.
Maybe we all do.
Hey, if we live through this, um...
Yeah?
Would you want to, you know...
I mean, if you don't,
that's cool, I mean...
Oh, no. I want, I, I uh...
I definitely want to.
Oh. Cool.
Cool.
Edster!
Uh...
How long until the
zombie horde gets bored
and scampers into
the next taco bell?
I don't know. In the movies,
the horde never goes away.
It keeps getting bigger.
And that's what makes it a horde.
Well, we have a problem then.
What?
Le toilet.
Come on, man.
Find a corner or something.
Oh, gross!
Oh, no go, man.
I gotta take a deuce
from the caboose.
I say we blow this popsicle stand
and make a pit stop along the way.
Just hang your ass out the window.
Oh, no, so some zomb-head
can take a bite out of my ass?
We're on the second floor.
Zombies don't jump, idiot.
Oh, screw that.
I watched shark week on TLC.
And if some great white can
jump 20 feet out of the air
to grab a tasty seagull snackpack,
who's to say a zombie can't?
Well, there are major logic flaws...
no. Ash is right.
- He is?
- I am?
Yeah. No, not about
zombies jumping. That's stupid.
But we need to get the
hell out of here.
We can't leave.
The barricade's our
only protection.
I gotta go, man.
That means a trip to
the little boy's room.
Ed, you know, maybe they're right.
You said yourself the
barricade won't hold.
Maybe we should make a run for it.
I'm not going out there.
Brad, baby, you wouldn't
leave me, would you?
I'm sorry, babe.
Come on, let's go.
No, you can't. You can't go.
If you start moving things around,
you're gonna draw them
closer to the door.
Hey, wait.
What?
What if there's another way?
What, are you gonna escape
through the vent shaft?
No. I'm gonna send my little
sidekick ferret to go get help.
It'd be so cool if that were true.
Look at it this way, this
might be our only chance,
and I for one would like
to live past this day.
Especially now that I have
something to look forward to.
What if there's a
zombie in the shaft?
How's a zombie gonna get
in the shaft, Eddie?
I don't know. Zombie rats?
Like in house of the damned?
Those fuckers will
eat your shit up.
There's no fucking zombies
in the shaft, you guys.
I'm going.
Me, too. Ashbury needs
his porcelain throne.
Ed, look, this might be
your only chance, OK?
Well, I'm not going.
Isn't someone gonna
stay here with me?
Ed?
I'm sorry, Willow.
Come on. Let's get out of here.
Let's go.
Um, do either of you have any idea
which direction we should be going?
Of course not.
You're a really great
guy, you know that?
Can I ask you something?
Sure.
Would you ever...
Go out with a guy like me?
I don't think so.
Uh-oh.
What? What is it?
Oh! Fuck, dude! Confined spaces.
Oh, God, Ash. Not cool. Not cool.
I told you I had to go.
Why?
That's just the way it is.
That's the way it is?
You're a geek, right?
Um, yeah. I guess.
Well, I'm a hot cheerleader, right?
Yeah.
Geeks and cheerleaders don't date.
We're just different.
Well, why?
You just said I was a good guy.
It's just not that simple.
Am I not good looking enough?
Yeah.
Shit.
Holy Moses Malone.
House of the damned!
House of the damned!
Get back, you guys!
You're just so stuck up.
Fuck you, Eddie.
No, fuck you, Janet.
What was that?
Uh-oh.
Mother puss bucket.
Do you like being made fun of?
Or beat up?
Of course not.
Neither do I.
That's exactly what would
happen if we dated.
My friends would eat me alive.
Did you ever think that maybe
they're not your friends?
Ash... Ash...
Yeah?
Oh, no.
What?
My stash.
What?
My stash!
I can't find my stash.
Dude, give me a boost.
Come on, man.
Give me a boost.
What the hell, are you guys crazy?
Dude, I'm not leaving
my weed behind.
All right, come on.
1, 2, 3...
Morons.
Push me.
Dude, hurry up.
Chillax.
Dude, it's all good.
Ash?
Has anyone ever told you you
have really pretty eyes?
My mom.
She says they're my best feature.
You're really beautiful.
Has anyone ever told you that?
Sure. All the time.
Oh.
Well, they're right.
I know.
Oh, my God.
Uh...
You got any ideas?
Sorry, Ash.
Take it.
Eddie?
Yeah?
I don't want to die a virgin.
What?
I mean, I've done
stuff, but never...
Uh, but... All right, well...
Willow...
Eddie!
Janet, open the door!
Open up!
Open the door.
Open the door!
- Eddie!
- Janet!
But the zombies.
Hurry!
Eddie!
- Open the door!
- Open up!
Open the door!
Where's Ash?
Right here.
At least what's left of him.
We need more stuff.
Go! Go! We'll take it!
Brad! Brad!
Help us!
Watch out!
This isn't gonna hold for long.
We need to figure a
way out of here.
Agreed.
Eddie, I gotta talk to you.
What?
Eddie!
It'll just take a second.
I have to tell you something.
Hold the fort down.
I'll be right back.
What is it?
We didn't finish.
OK, no, I mean...
We might be dead soon.
Carpe diemonous.
Brad! What are you doing?
Wake up! Brad!
Stop!
Guys!
It's not what...
Well, actually it's exactly
what you may think.
It's Brad. He must've
been bit. He's turning.
Brad! Brad! Stop!
Bradikins.
The door.
Eddie, help me!
Brad, baby, I'm sorry.
I know I cheated.
Damn it, Janet! Fight him!
No. I deserve it. I betrayed him.
No, no, Janet.
Actually he betrayed you.
What?
Yeah. He's been telling
the whole school
that he's been screwing
you for months.
No, we were waiting for prom.
That's not what he told me.
Yeah, I don't even think
you'd make it to prom.
Because he's got like
6 girls on the side.
What?
Yeah. Like Lilly and
Trish, and Sarah.
Whores!
And you know what else,
he told me you're not
a natural blonde.
What?
Yeah!
You fucking fucker!
Yeah! Fuck him up!
You fucking fucker!
Maybe if you reciprocated
once in awhile
you'd know,
the carpet does match the blinds!
Match the blinds?
Just go with it. She's on a roll.
Get out! Get out!
Let's go!
Yeah!
It's not gonna hold.
We need to get out of here.
Well, maybe we should
spend more time
building up the barricade and
less time making out in the back.
Well, maybe if people knocked
instead of just barging in.
What does that have to
do with anything, Janet?
Oh, my God! Stop it both of you!
Now we're getting
out of here alive,
and to do that we need
to work together.
How?
I have a plan.
We reached the stairs.
Oh, God, we reached the stairs!
Eddie! Eddie! Help! Eddie!
Eddie, help!
Jesus Christ, we get it already.
You need help!
Take a number, get in line.
And shut the fuck up,
would you, please!
Eddie!
Eddie, help!
Eddie!
Goth chicks kick ass.
Eddie, help!
- The gun.
- Isn't that...
Mr. Yeardley the
guidance counselor?
It's almost empty.
Not good.
Definitely not good.
- What now?
- We run!
Run away!
Which way!
The gym. We can get to
the roof from there.
It's locked!
I got this.
I got it!
Eddie, come on!
Go. Go, get to the roof.
I'm gonna hold them.
And Willow, about
before with Janet...
You're right.
I'm an idiot.
I know what I want now.
Good. Because you
still owe me a date.
It's time for this paladin
to cast a 21st level spell
of zombie whoop-ass.
I am a man, I am a man,
I am a man, I am a man
'Cause you said I am
cut me out of the family photo
Who would have thought
of sinking so low?
Where's Eddie?
Holding off the horde.
OK.
But he missed a few.
Cut me out of the family photo
Who would have thought
of sinking so low?
It's impossible
but maybe it's possible
to be impossible
I am a man, I am a man, I am a man
I am a man 'cause you said I am
I am a man, I am a man, I am a man
I am a man 'cause you said I am
Yeah
No.
Janet, hold still.
Come on!
Willow! Janet!
Suck a duck.
This sucks.
Yeah.
I'm gonna die.
I don't wanna be a zombie.
This so sucks.
Don't leave.
One bullet left.
I don't want to die like this.
Morning has broken
like the first morning
Eddie!
- OK, we have a problem.
- What?
Zombies don't jump. They climb.
Brad!
Brad!
So I guess we'll
never get that date.
No. It sucks.
I was totally gonna
take you to applebees.
I was thinking about you,
I can't live without you
The sweet look in your
eyes that goes to...
Attention, attention.
The zombie threat
has been contained.
All survivors make your
way to the front lawn.
Go! Go! Go!
I want to get a perimeter.
Set it up. Move it,
move it, move it!
The zombie threat
has been contained.
The zombie threat has
been eliminated.
All survivors make your
way to the front lawn.
So applebees, huh?
Bet your ass. I got a gift card.
Wow, you really know
how to spoil a girl.
Yeah. But only the right girl.
When I was pacing around
the streets where we both drive
To forget the world
striking sparks in my heart
when we first met
the time has all gone by, I'm well
I've made every second
that you pass through me
Well, I'm finding out
these memories are so good
And I'm waiting patiently
Attention, all shoppers.
Attention, all shoppers.
If it's the end of the world
I want to live inside
a shopping mall
I wouldn't care
about the isolation
I'm unconcerned about
the walking dead
If it's the end of the world
I think I'd handle
myself quite well
I wouldn't panic
walking past the zombie
I'd try to catch up on
some reading and movies
I know all I need to know
I know all I need to do
I learned everything
from George Romero
Dario Argento, maybe Tom Savini
Stuart Gordon and Sam Raimi
did they plant the idea
or was it always in me
do you find me creepy
yeah, do I give you the creeps
It's the end of the world
we could gather
half a dozen friends
We'd live in hiding
over JC Penney's
Construct a wall to
keep the mutants out
When it's the end of the world?
We'd land a helicopter
on the rooftop
Somebody breaks in
through a boarded entrance
maybe we can make a run for it
I know all I need to know
I learned everything
from George Romero
Dario Argento, maybe Tom Savini
Stuart Gordon and Sam Raimi
did they plant the idea
or was it always in me
do you find me creepy
now it's the end of the world
I always thought I
would've been more careful
Didn't look to be a serious bite?
Will you wait here till
I come back to life?
I learned everything
from George Romero
Dario Argento, maybe Tom Savini
Stuart Gordon and Sam Raimi
did they plant the ideas
or was it always in me
do you find me creepy
my post-apocalyptic
zombie survival fantasy
You know what I'm thinking?
Maybe we got a good
thing going here.
Maybe we shouldn't be in
such a hurry to leave.
Show me the side
streets in your life
Train yards like bone
yards sharpened knives
Sidewalks are unassuming fields
concrete and cracks
won't cut you deals
Won't cut you deals, won't cut you
Lost teeth like white
jewels of some kind
Petty theft for penny crimes
for penny crimes, and we yell
Ah, like a good old
fashioned nightmare
Ahh
ah, like a good old
fashioned nightmare
Ahh
life being drained
through end of lives
Still we've got nothing but time
The skyline looks brighter tonight
let's go smash out every light
your left foot in front of right
In front of right, and we yell
Ah, like a good old
fashioned nightmare
Ahh
ah, like a good old
fashioned nightmare
Ahh
Ah! Detention. Boring.
I can think of a few things
we can do to kill some time.
Brad, baby, you remember
this is what got us into
detention in the first place.
You only got me for three
more months till graduation.
And it's off to boot camp
before officer training.
- I know, Bradikins, it's just...
- I'm just saying, that was the time
to show your support
for our troops.
You do... support...
- our troops.
- I do, it's...
Hi, Janet. Brad.
I didn't know you'd
be in detention.
Whatever.
I saw you got a "D"
on the cal test.
Yeah, well, Mr. Corbin is a sexist.
I'm sure. Anyway, I thought,
maybe, I don't know...
I could tutor you.
Hey, Ed, remember how I
like to hang out with you?
Oops.
Hell, yeah.
Shit.
Hey.
Yo.
You got it?
Doth the Ashman ever fail you?
You're sure it won't
pop in a piss test?
100% untraceable.
Dude, if Marky MCG had
been popping these,
he could've run for congress
instead of lying in front of them.
Good. And you're sure
you can get more?
I've got the straight hook up.
Wait. What's the m for?
Um...
Uh, midalithamethamine.
That's uh, its clinical name.
Hey, I've heard of that.
Smart guy.
I am a renegade
don't fit in with the fold, baby?
Doin' time on the West Side way?
Taking it day by day
hell, yeah
Uh, Edster. Did you come
to visit me in the big D?
Uh, no, I got detention, too.
No way. You got detention?
Now when your mom accuses me
of being a bad influence,
she actually has a leg to stand on.
Uh, yeah.
Can the Ashman interest
you in his other wears?
Grade a. Called blue sky.
And trust me, it will
get you soaring.
Yeah.
No. No go, dude.
This body's a temple.
There's no way I'm polluting
it with that shit.
Check it.
I tell you, Edster, if I
ever meet George Romero,
I'm gonna seduce him and bear
him little zombie babies.
But then they would probably eat
us which would be kind of sad
because that means no
more living dead movies.
But it would be a great metaphor
for what kids end up
doing to their parents
when they turn into teenagers.
Right, Ed?
Mrs. Rumblethorp?
Eddie.
I was wondering if you decided yet
about telling principal McMann.
Marksamus! Mi amigo.
How doth it hang?
Oh, whoa, bro, you OK?
It's my hand.
Some crazy bum bit me
out in the parking lot.
I'm sorry. I don't think
I can just ignore this.
What you did is serious.
It's illegal.
Not to mention dangerous.
You can't tell him because
this is my chance.
It's Harvard.
Well, here, let
Dr. Ash take a look.
I got the cure for
what ails you. Here.
Oh, whoa, dude!
You got some legit
nurse visiting rights.
Yo, Mrs. rumbles!
Ms. Ro, I think you should
check mark man's hand.
No, I told you...
Marksamus.
For serious, hit the nurse.
For one thing, she's like 10
times hotter than rumbles.
Mrs. rumbles!
That dude's totally got rabies.
You don't go rabid in
a couple of hours.
Ok, back up, everyone.
Uh, Mrs. Rumblethorp...
Help her!
He's strangling her!
On the count of 3.
He's not letting go.
1, 2, 3!
My uniform!
Jesus Christ, she's like
bleeding to death,
and you're worried
about your uniform?
It's blood. Do you know how
hard blood is to get out?
Guys!
I think Marksamus is dead zone.
Uh, I'm gonna get help.
Willow, we need something
to stop the bleeding.
This is dry clean only.
- Hey!
- Problem solved.
Uh... guys?
Come here!
What are they doing?
What kind of rabies is this?
It's not rabies.
They're zombies.
Holy fucklestein!
Oh, my God! What are we gonna do!
I say we get the hell out of here.
Damn straight.
I don't think that's a good idea.
- What?
- No, look, look, look!
The guy who bit mark must
have bit other kids.
If they turn into zombies
and bite other students,
you've got what you call
infinitely expanding
growth potential. Huh?
One zombie equals
many more zombies.
Oh.
So we can't go out there.
We don't know how many
more could be out there.
They could be everywhere.
What are you saying, we
should stay here and hide?
Mrs. Rumblethorp, you
shouldn't be standing.
She's trying to say something.
Oh, hey, you really need
to stop doing that.
It's even grossing me out.
- Brad, baby.
- What?
Kill it.
Why me? Jim, you kill it.
I'll get the next one.
- You're the one joining the ROTC.
- So.
So go get all hoo-rah on his ass.
Sorry, but I think staying
in there is a bad idea.
Agreed.
I hope I become a ghost
How long before she, you know...
I don't know, but
we can't leave her.
I hope I become a ghost
and make sure the
future turns out fine
I hope I become a ghost
and when the world
is said and done
Signs will become so close
and there will be
nowhere that I can't run
Ooh
ahh
ohh
Uh, to the back, come on. Come on!
And watch all my
grandchildren growing old
Some they will remember me
and others through the
stories they've been told
Now I don't intend to frighten you
I just want to see if
what I think is true
Cause then and only
then we'll know
If it was worth it
to become a ghost
This is the future of
our American military?
I know. Pretty soon even the
French will conquer us.
Chuck? Yeah, man, hit that shit.
Shit.
I'll check if principal
McMann is here.
Babykins, you won't let
them hurt me, will you?
Janet, babe, I have years
of military experience.
Alright, they won't
lay a finger on you.
You have years of
military experience?
Yeah. I've been paintballing
with my dad since I was 6.
Principal McMann?
Oh, damn it! I got nothing.
Uh, I got nothing here.
Yeah. Me neither.
Nor I.
Me, too.
Maybe all these, uh, corpsicles
are creating some kind of
undead zone.
Hey, Lilly and Ashley
are out there.
They are? Well, open the door.
Let them in.
They're a little busy right now.
Doing what?
Eating Rick Bliscan.
What are you laughing at?
Uh, well, when uh, Ashley
and Lilly were alive,
they were always talking about
who would get a piece
of Rick's ass first.
So?
Lilly won.
Oh, fuck.
That's not funny.
Well, it's a little funny.
Kind of cool.
No, no, no. This is not cool.
I know you all are raging
freakazoids and all,
but even ones as far removed
from cooldom as you
should still understand
how much further from
coolness this situation is.
Yeah.
Janet, you should
really lighten up.
Lighten up? No, this is
no time to lighten up.
If anything, we should
all be getting heavier.
Well, maybe you should
stop upchucking
after every meal then.
Hey! Janet's right.
This is serious.
And serious times call for...
Serious minds.
Thank God we have you then.
Was principal McMann in there?
Partly.
I don't want to die here.
Ok.
This zombie shit
is really starting to
harsh my mellow, OK?
All right, look.
Come on, you too, Willow.
Get in here.
All right, this school
is crawling with God knows
how many zomb-heads.
We need to find
somewhere to hold up.
And we need to fortify.
Well, yeah, but everywhere we go,
there's going to be
deadheads already there.
Yeah, we need somewhere
no one goes to.
The library.
Why would we go there?
It's perfect. One major
entrance and plenty of shelves
to barricade the door.
Sounds easily defendable.
Yeah, and it's right down the hall.
Good. 'Cause all this
running and shit
is tuckering the Ashman out.
Yeah, I don't think
Mrs. Rumblethorpe
can take much more moving around.
Most important...
Yeah?
Not a single student in this school
would be caught dead there.
Don't you mean caught...
Undead there?
What do we do about that, brainiac?
From the little observations
that I've been able to make,
- zombies seem to be uni-attentional.
- Ok. What?
Zombies only pay attention to
what's right in front of them.
So, so if we don't draw
their attention...
We should just be able
to walk right by.
You go first.
Way to go, Edster!
This way!
Downstairs. Go! Go!
Hey! Hey! Come here!
Come and get me! Come and get me!
Hey! Go, go, go!
Come and get me!
Come and get me.
Come here.
- In the library!
- Get the door! Get the door!
Go! Go!
Yeah!
Aha!
Yeah! Hell, yeah!
Jesus, Eddie.
I know, I didn't think
that would actually work.
Ok, she's not looking too good.
I can't believe this is happening.
I am student council
vice president.
Junior prom queen, and
head cheerleader,
and I have a serious problem
with the direction
this school is taking.
Well, I'd adjust
quickly if I were you,
or the next popularity
contest you'll be winning
is most likely to get eaten
by the student body.
Aah! Oh!
Again?
Damn it, Janet. Help me.
What should I do?
Here. Hold her neck.
Keep pressure on it.
Eddie's been studying medical
school since like infancy,
so maybe he knows.
Ew!
Hey, what is it?
Oh, nothing big.
Just the end of the world.
Ah! Ah!
Mrs. Rumblethorp?
Oh, please don't be dead.
Please?
Ok...
Ok... Ok.
Come on. Janet!
Bradikins. You saved me.
Guys, help me!
Whoa.
Aah!
Did she bite you?
No! I bent my finger weird.
I can't hold her much longer.
- Her brain. Her brain!
- What?
Eddie's right, the only
way to kill a zombie
is destroy its brain.
That cuntress has been riding
me since I was a freshman.
It's time for some payback.
Bring her to me.
How you like me now,
Rumbly Thumbly? Hmm?
It looks like rob zombie
raped the entire
cast of gossip girl
and this is their angry love child.
And who knows what it's
like everywhere else.
Tried the land lines. Nothing.
So we're completely cutoff
from the rest of the world?
What about the Internet?
None of our phones
can get a signal.
School computer?
Really?
That thing's so ancient
it makes old tron
look cutting edge.
It's worth a try, ok?
You know, maybe we
can email for help.
Or tweet. OMG, zombies
attacking the school.
Send help pronto.
Here goes nothing.
This might take awhile.
Well, if this isn't a commentary
on the current state
of public education,
I don't know what is.
Yeah, that helps.
Feet in the air and
head on the ground
You try this trick and spin it
Your head will collapse
but there's nothing in it
So you ask yourself
everything will be OK.
Look at you.
You are way too hot to die.
Where is my mind
way out in the water,
see it swimming
I was swimming...
Like the werewolves
are to vampires,
or are you team Switzerland?
Oh, yeah, me too, yeah.
Except the little fish
but they told me, he
swears tryin' to talk to me
Where is my mind, where is my mind
Where is my mind?
Way out in the water,
see it swimming
Um, hey, guys, I think
we have a problem
of incalculable proportion.
Huh?
Big problem.
Oh.
Are they getting in?
No, no, not yet, Janet.
But they will.
There's no way they're gonna
make it through the barricade.
Their numbers are growing,
Jimmy. They're gonna get in.
Well, then I say we run for it.
No, no, that's...
yeah, he's right.
All right, we make a run.
Maybe someone out there
has a cure or something.
Yeah, and go back out there?
- Yeah.
- With them?
Bradikins, baby,
I can't do it. I can't.
Ok, look.
I've seen about every
zombie movie there is,
and one internal
truth in all of them
is that going outside equals bad.
- Exactly.
- I say we run for it.
And outrun the high
school of the damned.
Look, from what I've seen,
I don't need to outrun one of them.
I need to outrun one of you.
And I'm pretty damned sure
I can beat asthma boy here.
I don't have asthma.
Not all dorky kids have asthma.
Yeah, look, we make a run.
Right, some of us will make it.
Look at her.
She's got big-ass boots on.
She can't run.
- Survival of the fittest.
- Hoo-rah.
I breathe just fine. Thank you.
Oh, Bradikins, I can't go
out there and compete.
I play sports.
I'm totally OK with the
current living situation.
I'm just saying.
I bowl. I'm a bowler.
I'm an excellent bowler.
Eddie, focus, come on.
Focus, please.
Sorry. Right, sorry. Jimmy.
Jimmy, your plan only works if
we all agree to go out there,
and clearly there is a
large dissenting opinion
that plans just stay put.
Like me.
And me. Brad, babe...
You won't leave me here, will you?
We stay.
Come on!
Oh, you guys seriously
need to chillax.
Chillax?
Yeah. Look on the bright side.
Bright side? The school
is overrun with zombies.
What's the bright side?
When else do you get to
decapitate your English teacher
and then continue to
torment her undead head?
Right, Mrs. Rummy Thumber?
Oh! No biting! That's a bad
Mrs. Rumbly Thumbly. Huh?
Detention for you!
Ash! Stop taunting the undead.
All right.
All right, look. I got it.
If we're going to stay,
we need to treat this
like a siege situation.
Our greatest danger is lying
either a frontal breach
of our defenses,
or a small scale incursion
via an as yet
unrecognized weak point.
We do some recon.
Eddie, you're a book geek, right?
You know how to look
stuff up and shit?
Sure.
Maybe there's something
in here that can help.
Zombie stuff, like a how-to
survive a zombie attack.
Or what to do if bitten.
This is a high school library,
so I'm not sure there's a
lot of reference material
on zombies.
Yeah, too bad this
isn't the library
from Buffy the vampire slayer
cause they had a wicked
dark art selection.
What?
I liked the two gay witches.
Wicked chicks are hot.
Ow.
Damn it! There's gotta
be something, right?
Sorry, but when it
comes to living dead,
your best source of info
is right in front of you.
Between Eddie and I, we've
seen about every movie,
read every comic book and
played every video game
that has anything
to do with zombies.
Yeah, that's right.
When it comes to zombie
survival, we're the bad asses.
Fine. Eddie, Willow, you'll
act as our intelligence...
Well, that's in no way
ominous or foreboding.
Baby?
Janet, babe, don't worry, OK?
I'll kill anything that
comes through the door.
Jimmy!
Jimmy!
Oh, man, no!
Jimmy... Hey. Hang in there.
I don't feel so good.
All right. I'll give you some air.
Hang in there.
This is not getting us anywhere.
Stay there!
Ugh.
Whoa.
I mean we can't just
leave him there.
He's gonna turn.
Hey, we all saw what happened
to Mrs. Rumblethorp.
So, what? You want to
throw him out the window?
It's Jimmy for Christ sakes.
Not for long, bro.
Brad, baby, they're right.
You know they're right.
Ah, fuck.
Brad.
Jimmy.
Hoo-rah.
No!
Hoo-rah...
We're all gonna die.
We're all gonna die!
We're all gonna die.
Janet, it's gonna be OK.
We're gonna be OK.
We're gonna be OK.
Uh, um, group hug.
Thanks, guys.
I'm OK now.
Wonder what caused all this.
Nuclear fallout?
Military super soldier experiments.
Meteors.
Biological weapons.
Aliens.
Diseased monkeys.
You know what I don't get?
Mark. When he turned all
aberzombie and Fitch,
he was still pretty fast.
But Marion the zombrarian
was all slow and stumbly.
Clearly each zombie retains
some of their physical attributes
from when they were alive.
All right. Enough.
Enough.
We all seriously need to chillax
before someone pops a blood vessel.
Chillax? What the fuck is chillax?
Chill. And relax.
When the powers combine, chillax.
Whatever.
All I'm saying is I think it's time
to intro a little...
Mellow.
Hmm? Hmm? Hmm?
To this pity party.
Sweet. Share the wealth.
As the lady dark doth command.
Wait, is that marijuana pot?
Something like that.
I don't think this is the
time to be getting high.
I need something to calm my nerves.
What say you, Bradtasm?
Yeah, fuck it.
For medicinal purposes.
Secondhand smoke?
Won't the zombies get the munchies?
Ed, they already have them.
Fine.
Smoking weed equals death.
What?
In the movies,
smoking the weed equals death.
Drinking equals death.
Having sex equals death.
Basically having fun in any
way will get you killed.
Right. Horror movies are total
moral righty conservative
propaganda bullshit.
Tell me about it.
I've never been so
happy to be a virgin.
What?
I'm waiting for the right girl.
Uh, sure, if by the right girl
you mean someone lame enough
to sleep with your ass.
No, no. I mean...
Yeah, whatever.
High school sucks.
Just do it.
Oh...
What was that? What is it?
Oh...
He was enjoying it, too.
Ugh!
Uh, me and uh, pale tits mistress
of the extreme eyeliner
are regulars in the good
ship detention, but um,
what the hell are you
three doing here?
Nothing.
Oh, come on.
What's an 18th level wizard
dungeons and dragons geek
like you doing in detention?
I'm a paladin.
What?
Wizards are for spazzes and losers.
Right. Right.
So what about you, sweet cheeks?
Oh.
Well, nothing. We were just
caught in the bathroom.
What were you guys
doing in the bathroom?
Are you... in the bathroom?
That's gross.
I'm just playing.
Check it, Willow-winds,
uh, Slutskin McDrop-her-drawers
is embarrassed.
No. We were...
We were just kissing.
Oh, get off it, Janet.
Everyone in this school
knows you got a mouth
that could suck start a jet engine.
Hey, come on.
Fuck you.
And fuck you, too!
What, you boys get to chase
every ass in tight jeans,
but I do what it takes
to satisfy my boyfriend,
and I'm a slut?
Pretty much.
You don't get it.
No one does.
Get what?
How hard it is to be me.
Oh, please.
There's so much pressure that
comes with being popular.
Everything I do, everything
I wear is judged.
By everyone.
Oh, poor you.
I always have to say
the right thing,
wear the newest clothes,
date the coolest guy.
And in the end,
you all still hate me.
We don't hate you.
Yes, you do.
You social rejects hate
me because I'm popular.
And the popular kids
hate me because...
I'm more popular than them.
Well, if being popular is so rough,
then why don't you,
I don't know, stop trying
to be the queen bee.
That's easy for you to say.
You've never been popular.
You're not the only one
whose felt uh, so trapped
by who they are.
That they did something stupid.
Really, really stupid.
Holy shit.
Where'd you get a gun?
You were gonna columbine us?
I wasn't gonna columbine you.
The gun is for me.
You were gonna off
yourself in detention?
Is this because I make fun of you?
No.
Is it because I didn't
go to prom with you?
What? No. I didn't
even ask you to prom.
It's because of her.
I thought you and the rumbles
were all apt pupillage and whatnot.
Yeah, we were, till
she found these.
Adderall?
I was just using Adderall
to help me study.
Mrs. Rumblethorp just caught me.
And they weren't
prescribed to me. Per se.
So you were riding
the Adderall train
to Ivy league town.
Yeah. I got into Harvard.
I studied my butt off to
get out of this shit hole.
To get into somewhere where
I wasn't put in a urinal
for wanting to learn.
That's why I'm in detention.
And look, I want to live.
I want to live through this.
But to do that, we'd
need to work together.
We'd need to put all our petty,
stupid self interests aside
and work for the greater good.
Well, this is high
school, so fat chance.
Damn it, Ash, this isn't a joke!
Two hours ago, she's
running detention
and accusing you of smoking out.
I fail to see the
difference, Eddie.
Guys?
Look, Edstser,
there's one thing I know
and it's when push
comes getting eaten,
it's every man, cheerleader,
meathead, dork,
and scary yet strangely
attractive goth chick
- for themselves.
- Hey, guys...
That's the attitude that's
gonna get us killed!
Dude, we're all dead meat anyways.
Might as well enjoy
the ride, Edster.
Guys!
- What?
- Listen.
Hit it!
Get it out of here!
Get it out of here!
Get it, Eddie! Get it!
Get it out of here!
Get it out of here!
You saved me.
Oh, my head.
What?
What do I do? What do I do?
Pry its fingers off.
Stay still!
Ah, screw that!
Relax. I got this.
Janet, help me!
Shoot it fast. Shoot it!
No, no, no! Don't shoot it.
Oh, my God.
Oh, I got you, Ed!
I got you, Ed.
Ah... ah... ah...
1... 2... 3...
That was intense.
What's the math say?
That the amount of
zombies out there,
should they make a
concerted effort...
Yeah?
They'd break through
in about 35 seconds.
So we're basically screwed.
Yeah.
Is that what you really want?
Yeah.
What?
She's beautiful.
Sexy. Super popular.
Perky. Not to mention perky.
I'm a big fan of perky.
You're just like the
rest of these idiots.
You were a bunch of mindless
zombies before any
of this happened.
Trying so hard to fit
into their little clique.
Trying so hard to hide anything
that might make them stand out.
I mean, God forbid
we don't all fit into
this cookie cutter mold
that everyone puts us in.
Popular girl.
Bully.
Stoner idiot.
Dorky loser.
I'm not like them.
Sure you are.
You'd die for one night with Janet.
Not because you love her
or that you care for her.
Just because she's what
everybody tells you
you should strive for.
And you were going to
kill yourself last night.
Why?
Because you weren't going
to get into Harvard?
So what, Eddie.
Does that mean your life
isn't worth living?
You're right.
Maybe I need to...
I don't know, grow up a bit.
Maybe we all do.
Hey, if we live through this, um...
Yeah?
Would you want to, you know...
I mean, if you don't,
that's cool, I mean...
Oh, no. I want, I, I uh...
I definitely want to.
Oh. Cool.
Cool.
Edster!
Uh...
How long until the
zombie horde gets bored
and scampers into
the next taco bell?
I don't know. In the movies,
the horde never goes away.
It keeps getting bigger.
And that's what makes it a horde.
Well, we have a problem then.
What?
Le toilet.
Come on, man.
Find a corner or something.
Oh, gross!
Oh, no go, man.
I gotta take a deuce
from the caboose.
I say we blow this popsicle stand
and make a pit stop along the way.
Just hang your ass out the window.
Oh, no, so some zomb-head
can take a bite out of my ass?
We're on the second floor.
Zombies don't jump, idiot.
Oh, screw that.
I watched shark week on TLC.
And if some great white can
jump 20 feet out of the air
to grab a tasty seagull snackpack,
who's to say a zombie can't?
Well, there are major logic flaws...
no. Ash is right.
- He is?
- I am?
Yeah. No, not about
zombies jumping. That's stupid.
But we need to get the
hell out of here.
We can't leave.
The barricade's our
only protection.
I gotta go, man.
That means a trip to
the little boy's room.
Ed, you know, maybe they're right.
You said yourself the
barricade won't hold.
Maybe we should make a run for it.
I'm not going out there.
Brad, baby, you wouldn't
leave me, would you?
I'm sorry, babe.
Come on, let's go.
No, you can't. You can't go.
If you start moving things around,
you're gonna draw them
closer to the door.
Hey, wait.
What?
What if there's another way?
What, are you gonna escape
through the vent shaft?
No. I'm gonna send my little
sidekick ferret to go get help.
It'd be so cool if that were true.
Look at it this way, this
might be our only chance,
and I for one would like
to live past this day.
Especially now that I have
something to look forward to.
What if there's a
zombie in the shaft?
How's a zombie gonna get
in the shaft, Eddie?
I don't know. Zombie rats?
Like in house of the damned?
Those fuckers will
eat your shit up.
There's no fucking zombies
in the shaft, you guys.
I'm going.
Me, too. Ashbury needs
his porcelain throne.
Ed, look, this might be
your only chance, OK?
Well, I'm not going.
Isn't someone gonna
stay here with me?
Ed?
I'm sorry, Willow.
Come on. Let's get out of here.
Let's go.
Um, do either of you have any idea
which direction we should be going?
Of course not.
You're a really great
guy, you know that?
Can I ask you something?
Sure.
Would you ever...
Go out with a guy like me?
I don't think so.
Uh-oh.
What? What is it?
Oh! Fuck, dude! Confined spaces.
Oh, God, Ash. Not cool. Not cool.
I told you I had to go.
Why?
That's just the way it is.
That's the way it is?
You're a geek, right?
Um, yeah. I guess.
Well, I'm a hot cheerleader, right?
Yeah.
Geeks and cheerleaders don't date.
We're just different.
Well, why?
You just said I was a good guy.
It's just not that simple.
Am I not good looking enough?
Yeah.
Shit.
Holy Moses Malone.
House of the damned!
House of the damned!
Get back, you guys!
You're just so stuck up.
Fuck you, Eddie.
No, fuck you, Janet.
What was that?
Uh-oh.
Mother puss bucket.
Do you like being made fun of?
Or beat up?
Of course not.
Neither do I.
That's exactly what would
happen if we dated.
My friends would eat me alive.
Did you ever think that maybe
they're not your friends?
Ash... Ash...
Yeah?
Oh, no.
What?
My stash.
What?
My stash!
I can't find my stash.
Dude, give me a boost.
Come on, man.
Give me a boost.
What the hell, are you guys crazy?
Dude, I'm not leaving
my weed behind.
All right, come on.
1, 2, 3...
Morons.
Push me.
Dude, hurry up.
Chillax.
Dude, it's all good.
Ash?
Has anyone ever told you you
have really pretty eyes?
My mom.
She says they're my best feature.
You're really beautiful.
Has anyone ever told you that?
Sure. All the time.
Oh.
Well, they're right.
I know.
Oh, my God.
Uh...
You got any ideas?
Sorry, Ash.
Take it.
Eddie?
Yeah?
I don't want to die a virgin.
What?
I mean, I've done
stuff, but never...
Uh, but... All right, well...
Willow...
Eddie!
Janet, open the door!
Open up!
Open the door.
Open the door!
- Eddie!
- Janet!
But the zombies.
Hurry!
Eddie!
- Open the door!
- Open up!
Open the door!
Where's Ash?
Right here.
At least what's left of him.
We need more stuff.
Go! Go! We'll take it!
Brad! Brad!
Help us!
Watch out!
This isn't gonna hold for long.
We need to figure a
way out of here.
Agreed.
Eddie, I gotta talk to you.
What?
Eddie!
It'll just take a second.
I have to tell you something.
Hold the fort down.
I'll be right back.
What is it?
We didn't finish.
OK, no, I mean...
We might be dead soon.
Carpe diemonous.
Brad! What are you doing?
Wake up! Brad!
Stop!
Guys!
It's not what...
Well, actually it's exactly
what you may think.
It's Brad. He must've
been bit. He's turning.
Brad! Brad! Stop!
Bradikins.
The door.
Eddie, help me!
Brad, baby, I'm sorry.
I know I cheated.
Damn it, Janet! Fight him!
No. I deserve it. I betrayed him.
No, no, Janet.
Actually he betrayed you.
What?
Yeah. He's been telling
the whole school
that he's been screwing
you for months.
No, we were waiting for prom.
That's not what he told me.
Yeah, I don't even think
you'd make it to prom.
Because he's got like
6 girls on the side.
What?
Yeah. Like Lilly and
Trish, and Sarah.
Whores!
And you know what else,
he told me you're not
a natural blonde.
What?
Yeah!
You fucking fucker!
Yeah! Fuck him up!
You fucking fucker!
Maybe if you reciprocated
once in awhile
you'd know,
the carpet does match the blinds!
Match the blinds?
Just go with it. She's on a roll.
Get out! Get out!
Let's go!
Yeah!
It's not gonna hold.
We need to get out of here.
Well, maybe we should
spend more time
building up the barricade and
less time making out in the back.
Well, maybe if people knocked
instead of just barging in.
What does that have to
do with anything, Janet?
Oh, my God! Stop it both of you!
Now we're getting
out of here alive,
and to do that we need
to work together.
How?
I have a plan.
We reached the stairs.
Oh, God, we reached the stairs!
Eddie! Eddie! Help! Eddie!
Eddie, help!
Jesus Christ, we get it already.
You need help!
Take a number, get in line.
And shut the fuck up,
would you, please!
Eddie!
Eddie, help!
Eddie!
Goth chicks kick ass.
Eddie, help!
- The gun.
- Isn't that...
Mr. Yeardley the
guidance counselor?
It's almost empty.
Not good.
Definitely not good.
- What now?
- We run!
Run away!
Which way!
The gym. We can get to
the roof from there.
It's locked!
I got this.
I got it!
Eddie, come on!
Go. Go, get to the roof.
I'm gonna hold them.
And Willow, about
before with Janet...
You're right.
I'm an idiot.
I know what I want now.
Good. Because you
still owe me a date.
It's time for this paladin
to cast a 21st level spell
of zombie whoop-ass.
I am a man, I am a man,
I am a man, I am a man
'Cause you said I am
cut me out of the family photo
Who would have thought
of sinking so low?
Where's Eddie?
Holding off the horde.
OK.
But he missed a few.
Cut me out of the family photo
Who would have thought
of sinking so low?
It's impossible
but maybe it's possible
to be impossible
I am a man, I am a man, I am a man
I am a man 'cause you said I am
I am a man, I am a man, I am a man
I am a man 'cause you said I am
Yeah
No.
Janet, hold still.
Come on!
Willow! Janet!
Suck a duck.
This sucks.
Yeah.
I'm gonna die.
I don't wanna be a zombie.
This so sucks.
Don't leave.
One bullet left.
I don't want to die like this.
Morning has broken
like the first morning
Eddie!
- OK, we have a problem.
- What?
Zombies don't jump. They climb.
Brad!
Brad!
So I guess we'll
never get that date.
No. It sucks.
I was totally gonna
take you to applebees.
I was thinking about you,
I can't live without you
The sweet look in your
eyes that goes to...
Attention, attention.
The zombie threat
has been contained.
All survivors make your
way to the front lawn.
Go! Go! Go!
I want to get a perimeter.
Set it up. Move it,
move it, move it!
The zombie threat
has been contained.
The zombie threat has
been eliminated.
All survivors make your
way to the front lawn.
So applebees, huh?
Bet your ass. I got a gift card.
Wow, you really know
how to spoil a girl.
Yeah. But only the right girl.
When I was pacing around
the streets where we both drive
To forget the world
striking sparks in my heart
when we first met
the time has all gone by, I'm well
I've made every second
that you pass through me
Well, I'm finding out
these memories are so good
And I'm waiting patiently
Attention, all shoppers.
Attention, all shoppers.
If it's the end of the world
I want to live inside
a shopping mall
I wouldn't care
about the isolation
I'm unconcerned about
the walking dead
If it's the end of the world
I think I'd handle
myself quite well
I wouldn't panic
walking past the zombie
I'd try to catch up on
some reading and movies
I know all I need to know
I know all I need to do
I learned everything
from George Romero
Dario Argento, maybe Tom Savini
Stuart Gordon and Sam Raimi
did they plant the idea
or was it always in me
do you find me creepy
yeah, do I give you the creeps
It's the end of the world
we could gather
half a dozen friends
We'd live in hiding
over JC Penney's
Construct a wall to
keep the mutants out
When it's the end of the world?
We'd land a helicopter
on the rooftop
Somebody breaks in
through a boarded entrance
maybe we can make a run for it
I know all I need to know
I learned everything
from George Romero
Dario Argento, maybe Tom Savini
Stuart Gordon and Sam Raimi
did they plant the idea
or was it always in me
do you find me creepy
now it's the end of the world
I always thought I
would've been more careful
Didn't look to be a serious bite?
Will you wait here till
I come back to life?
I learned everything
from George Romero
Dario Argento, maybe Tom Savini
Stuart Gordon and Sam Raimi
did they plant the ideas
or was it always in me
do you find me creepy
my post-apocalyptic
zombie survival fantasy
You know what I'm thinking?
Maybe we got a good
thing going here.
Maybe we shouldn't be in
such a hurry to leave.