Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo (1999) Movie Script
% Of all the wonderful things
in life you can find %
% They all can be yours
with the right frame of mind %
% Just look, and you'll find %
% There are no secrets to hide %
% Leave your problems behind
Leave your problems behind %
% No worry, friends
No worry %
-[People Murmuring]
-[Man] Yuck!
Eww!
Swim trunks are loaded with
detergents and other hazardous
chemicals harmful to fish.
Ow! Aah!
Oh!
Hi, Allison.
- Just quit my job at the aquarium.
- Heard you got fired.
Yeah. The aquarium's totally changed.
Don't worry about me. I'll be fine.
I got a lot
of great offers.
Things are really
starting to happen for me.
- I was thinking maybe later
if you weren't doing any--
- No.
- I mean if--
Uh, when you're not working.
- I don't think so.
Okay, I guess I'll just take
some sea snails and be on my way.
No, no, a little lower.
The ones on the bottom.
Uh,
have a good nipple.
[Tires Screeching]
[Laughing]
% Color me
your color, baby %
% Color me your car %
% Color me
your color, darling %
-% I know who you are %
- [Both Laughing]
% [Continues, Indistinct]
- Ah, you have beautiful
skin, baby, huh?
- [Laughing]
Get some olive oil,
rub it all over you.
We'll have
a good time, huh?
[Woman] Oh, yeah.
-[Door Slams]
-[Man] Let's get him out of there.
[Man, Woman Moaning
Passionately, Faint]
[Woman] Ohh! Oh, Antoine!
Yeah!
[Continues Moaning]
[Moaning Pace Quickens]
-[Antoine] Oh! Oh! Oh!
Oh! Oh! Oh!
-[Woman Shrieking]
[Moaning Ceases]
Try to keep your
goldfish in this bowl.
If you like, I could
stick around for a while.
Every kid needs a father.
What the hell?
- [Roars]
- [Gasps]
What the hell
are you doing?
There's a mongrel koi in there.
It's the most dangerous of all goldfish.
- Do you have any ice?
- Hey.
Shoes off, huh?
Respect the 18th century
Persian carpet.
Whoa!
What are those?
Medieval weapons.
I'm a collector.
They're worth twice as much
if they've killed somebody.
I collect
Canadian quarters.
I got about six of'em.
Would you like
anything to drink?
I wouldn't mind
a glass of--
Whoa.
What is that?
Is that a custom Living Color
anti-glare, retractable-top tank?
- I'm not sure.
- It is!
They assemble each one
of these by hand.
Whoa! Chinese tailbar lionfish.
He's a beauty!
That's an $800 fish!
- Try a grand.
- Then you overpaid.
Hey, fishy, fishy,
fishy, fishy.
Hey, fishy, fishy, fishy.
Hey. An Australian
rainbow fish.
You're not gonna
want to put him in there--
- Oh, God!
- Women love it.
They find it erotic
when they eat each other.
Excuse me
for a second, huh?
Must make pee-pee.
[Urinating]
[Phone Rings]
-[Answering Machine Beeps]
-[Woman] Antoine, hi. It's Regina.
I'm flying in from Luxembourg tomorrow.
I want you to be my driver.
Swiss Air, flight 12.
Is it still 3,500?
- See you. Ciao.
-[Answering Machine Beeps]
I finally figured out how you
pick up all these gorgeous women.
- How's that?
- You're a limo driver.
Sometimes I am.
- So you just drive them back
here and have sex with them?
- If they pay me enough, yes.
What kind of limo service
is that?
Shouldn't you be taking them
to fancy restaurants or the theater?
- I'm a gigolo.
- A gigo-who?
Women pay me
to give them pleasure.
- How did you get that job?
- I just kind of fell into it.
I'm gonna kill
my guidance counselor.
% [Latin Dance]
- Hey! Hey! Hey! [Chattering]
- [Dog Barking]
Down!
Bad dog!
Hey, guys.
Did you miss me?
Well, there's been a slight delay
in our move-to-the-beach plan.
But don't worry.
It's gonna happen.
[Antoine] Hey, fish guy!
I think there's something wrong
with my, uh, uh, big fish.
pH is off. The nitrates
are at a dangerous level.
- I can neutralize it.
- Oh, fishy, fishy, fishy.
They don't like that.
- I think our little friend
has Malawi bloat.
- What the hell is that?
- It's a gill disorder.
- Is it bad?
- Could be fatal.
- But is he gonna make it?
He's in shock. I gave him
some freeze-dried water fleas,
but he's gotta want to live.
- The next forty-eight
hours are critical.
- Forty-eight hours?
But I got to go to Switzerland for
business. I'll be gone for three weeks.
Well, cancel it.
You got a sick fish here, pal.
Hey, hey,
what about you, huh?
Sounds good, but I can't afford
to go to Europe right now.
- My passport expired--
- No, no, I mean you can stay
here and look after my fish.
I've got
a full bar, huh?
Digital television.
You're on the beach.
I don't know.
I--
I would be honored
to care for your fish.
Just remember, don't use my car
and don't answer my phone.
No car, no phone.
So I guess throwing a big beach party's
out of the question.
This is a 14th century
Hungarian crossbow.
It has killed a king...
and changed
the history of Europe.
You mess up anything in my apartment,
I'll shove it up your ass.
Have a good trip.
% Come on, come on %
Women pay me
to give them pleasure.
[Screams]
% Come on, come on %
% And tell me
what you're sayin' %
% Come on, come on %
% Get a whiff
of what I'm wearing %
% Come on, come on %
% Come on, come on %
% And stop %
[Man] I'm on the beach.
I mean, I open up my window,
I got sand blowin' in my face.
- It's that crazy. I'd love
to show it to you sometime.
- No.
- You really owe it to yourself to see--
- No.
Hey! Try to get laid
on your own time, pal.
[Customers Complaining]
I guess I'll just take
some sea snails.
You better get me some
from the colder tank.
[Clicks, Whirrs]
[Man Calling Race]
[Clicks, Whirrs]
% ["Strangers in The Night"]
[Moaning, Sighing]
- [Woman] Oh, yes! Oh!
- [Doorbell Rings]
[Man On TV] I've been bad.
I've been really bad.
-[Hand Swatting]
-[Moaning Continues]
- [Clicking Frantically]
- [Man] But it was worth it.
Hi. Would you like to buy
some Girls of America cookies?
- [Man On TV] Don't hit me with that.
- Could you come back later?
- [Swat]
- [Man] Ohh!
- Eew. What are you watching?
- [Moaning]
- You're gross!
You're a sick man,
and I'm gonna tell!
- [Man On TV] Hit me with it again.
- How much?
[Groaning]
Great.
[Electricity Crackling]
[Gasping]
[Grunting]
[Grunting, Panting]
[Phone Ringing]
[On Answering Machine]
Hey, Deuce, it's Antoine.
I just realized
I don't know you that well.
To be honest,
it's freaking me out a little.
You just make sure you keep
my apartment clean or you will die.
- Bye-bye.
- [Answering Machine Beeps]
Oh! Oh!
Aah!
- Six thousand dollars?
- I know. It sucks.
Neil, where am I going
to get $6,000 in three weeks?
I don't know your budget.
You may not want to...
blow your whole wad
on this tank.
I would.
- Can I pay in installments?
- No.
I'm up to my bicep in it,
if you know what I mean.
I'm not trying to flip you over
and do you dry here.
Look, squat on it
for a night...
and let me know.
[Ringing]
- What? Hello?
- [Woman] Hi.
I've been staring
at your number for hours.
I got it
from a friend.
Um, I'm not really
supposed to use this phone.
Why don't you
come over?
My address is
Actually, I've-I've
got a lot of work...
to do here... still.
I'm naked.
% Call me
on the line %
% Call me, call me
any, any time %
% Call me %
% [Romantic]
Now, there's my little
German tourist.
Is this it?
Is this the whole outfit?
It's perfect.
"Guten Abend,
Herr Fraulein."
Yes. Use the map.
Use the map.
"Vohrest der
Statue of Liberty?"
You should've stuck
with the tour, Heinz.
Now you'll have
to pay the penalty.
It's-It's n-no problem.
I'll just, um--
Let me slip on
a few of these babies.
[Loud Roar]
- What was that?
- I didn't hear anything.
Now come here,
you naughty little
sightseer.
[Groans]
- [Roaring]
- [Thud]
Wait a second.
I definitely heard something.
Oh, that's just Wolfy.
He's been in there a while.
Now you concentrate
and stay in character.
- [Roaring]
- Wolfy, settle down!
Now you just focus on your
little wiener schnitzel.
-[Snarling]
- I gotta get out of here.
Don't worry. He never
gets all the way through.
- Maybe you better go.
-[Barking]
Wolfy, you've gotta stop
doing this to Mommy's friends.
Yes, he does.
Yes, he does.
He'll be all right for a while.
Here, this is for you.
It's all I could grab.
- Did I bring you pleasure?
- Not really.
- You better haul ass.
-[Wolfy Crashes Against Door, Whines]
[Barking Continues]
Ten dollars?
Yeah!
% [Disco]
% [Man Rapping Over Lyrics,
Indistinct]
[Man] A martini
and two olives.
Martini.
Two olives.
Any ladies need
some entertainment tonight?
Eight-fifty.
- Eight dollars?
- And fifty cents.
Well, how much just for
a plain cranberry juice?
- Uh, three dollars.
- I'll go for that.
There you go.
That's eleven-fifty.
Uh, no, no. Perhaps
you misunderstood me.
I wish to cancel my original order
of the martini and two olives...
and go for just the plain cranberry
Juice by itself for the three dollars.
And I apologize for any inconvenience
this may have caused you.
Uh, perhaps
you don't understand.
If you don't pay me now,
I'm gonna take this swizzle stick...
and, uh, I'll be shovin' that
right up your pee hole.
- So that was eleven-fifty, right?
- Right.
Okay,
there's ten...
and six quarters, and--
Tell you what.
I'll go work on your tip.
[Speaking French]
I couldn't help
overhearing your Spanish.
- It's French.
- Ah. Oui.
French. Nice people.
May I?
- No--
- [Flatulent Sound]
Ooh. [Chuckles]
Excuzes-moi. These leather seats.
Would you like a martini
or cranberry juice?
- No.
- Kind of celebrating tonight.
Possible career change.
Mmm.
I'm pretty excited
about it.
You wanna get out of here?
Okay. I'm sorry.
I mean, together.
[Gulps]
What happened
to the carpet?
Oh, it's one of those
Well, that's
certainly appreciated.
Hey, whoa.
Maybe we should take care
of a little business first.
If you prefer.
I don't have a set price or anything,
but I have been getting ten dollars.
- I'm sorry?
- Well, that's my going rate.
But I'm willing
to negotiate.
[Chuckles] That's funny.
But the price is 500.
You're gonna pay me $500?
No, honey. You pay me.
Oh, I get it.
This is some kind of role reversal.
I'll play along
with this.
Okay, 300, 400, 500.
You're my hooker.
No, seriously,
where's my ten dollars?
Look, asshole. I didn't come
all the way down here for nothing.
Now give me my $500!
You give me ten dollars!
Five hundred, now!
[Groaning]
You pay me ten dollars.
Nice.
Ooh!
Is that all you got?
Ten dollars.
No! Please don't!
Five hundred dollars...
or the fish gets it.
Let's talk about this.
- Why do you have a picture of Antoine?
- Well, this is his place.
I'm watching his fish
for him.
Please, don't tell him
about the shoes, huh?
-[Door Shuts]
- [Sighs]
[Door Slams]
- Can I help you?
- Oh, my God.
I'm lookin' at a dead man.
You know, Claire told me
that Antoine's place was messed up,
but I had no idea.
- Claire?
- The hooker you ass-punched.
That was a misunderstanding.
And I intend to have everything
fixed by the time Antoine gets back.
I'm just-- I'm just a little
strapped for cash right now.
Maybe there's somethin'
we could work out.
Claire mentioned
that you dabble in harlotry.
- I'm sorry?
- You a man-whore.
-Well, I tried that for a couple hours--
-See this ring?
Topaz.
That's my mother's birthstone.
Got that from man-whorin'.
See this key chain?
That's right.
Mini yo-yo. Know where I got
the money for that?
- Man-whoring?
- Stock market.
But I got the money for the stock market
from man-whorin'...
and representin'
man-whores like yourself.
So...
you're a pimp?
T.J. don't consider himself
no pimp.
More of a male madam.
That wasn't
too well thought out.
[TJ.] Look at this proud fish.
It's like a coyote--
king of the jungle.
It's like Antoine.
He don't need no pimp.
Then look at this
mid-level fish here.
Works hotels, conventions,
senior centers.
I represent several man-whores
at this level of the game.
Now look at
this little fella,
at the bottom, tryin' to
get busy with the scuba man.
You know, if you work hard
and listen to me,
this could be you.
Well, thanks,
but I already have
a job.
I clean fish tanks.
- You gon' make $150
cleanin' fish tanks?
- $150?
Yeah. Fish ain't
gon' pay for all this.
I don't know.
You know, Antoine's
got a bad temper.
I remember once
I dropped a cigar ash on his rug.
He made me pick it up
with my anus.
Well, maybe I could do
a couple jobs,
Just to get this place
fixed up.
We got a lot of work
to do.
% I believe in miracles %
% Where you from %
- % You sexy thing %
- % Sexy thing, you %
% I believe in miracles %
Aaaaah!
% Since you came along %
% You sexy thing %
Aaaaaah!
[Groans]
- [Tape Rips]
- Yeeeee-aaaaah!
[Scream Continues, Reverberates]
You a man-whore now.
I'm so proud.
Thanks, T.J.
Now remember,
it's a business.
Never, ever fall in love.
[Car Starts, Races Away]
[Buzzer Lock Sounds]
[Low, Masculine Voice]
I'm upstairs!
Okay, Deuce,
don't fall in love.
I know what you're thinkin'.
You're thinkin' those are
the biggest boobies you've ever seen.
Can I please
use your phone?
I'm not your average woman.
I like sex,
and I'm not afraid to adm--
[Wet Coughing]
Excuse me.
I just had pudding an hour ago.
- Dear God.
- You ever parked your bicycle
in an airplane hangar?
- I'm sorry?
- You ever thrown a toothpick
into a volcano?
- What?
- Oh, nothing.
Just making idle chitchat.
- Are you comfortable?
- Actually, no.
Ooh, I'm sweatin'.
You're gettin' me all hot.
You don't like my hair,
do you?
- I think there's been a mistake.
- Did you say steak?
- No, mistake.
- Oh, see, now you got me all excited.
Look, I'm gay.
Well, how gay are you?
Very, very gay. You must have dialed
the Very Gay Escort Service.
Oh, shit.
See, sometimes my fingers swell up
and I can't cleanly hit the numbers.
- They should make a phone
for full-figured girls.
- They should.
So, what do we do?
[Woman] Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah!
Cakes and pies. Cakes and pies.
[Giggling]
Okay, which pie
has the most sugar?
- Peach cobbler.
- [Sighs] You win again.
That's four games to one.
Well, fast food trivia
is my game, honey.
I must tell you, nobody
has ever pleasured Jabba the Slut.
Deucey, you have a way of satisfying
a woman that would sicken a normal man.
I can't do this anymore.
You must have
a magical "man-gina".
- Huh?
- "Man-gina"
It's a professional term we man-whores
use to describe our... he-pussy.
I'm not one
of your man-whores.
Okay? I quit.
You ungrateful he-bitch.
How 'bout I get Antoine on the phone
in Switzerland and tell him...
how you redecorated
his poon palace.
I'm not
an ungrateful he-bitch.
Just give me a minute
to think here.
[Urinal Flushes]
Thanks.
- How's it going?
- Pretty good.
- Hey, Dad, let me ask you a question.
- And what's that, son?
Do you think it's wrong for a man
to accept money from a woman...
to, you know,
show her a good time?
I was just thinking about that
this morning.
The idea of a man-whore
is a relatively new idea.
- Cologne?
- No, thanks.
[Loud Fart]
These women are looking for something
more than just sex. They want romance.
- What do you mean?
- [Loud Fart]
Well, it was like when I met
your mom, God rest her soul.
I didn't have so much
as a toilet to clean.
Still, I wasn't going to pay her
a dime for sex, no matter
what she was charging.
- What?
- [Loud Fart]
Your mom could've had any man
she wanted in that strip club,
and this being my first time in Bangkok,
I was looking for a good time myself.
- You met Mom where?
- It's not important.
- [Loud Fart]
The thing is,
she saw something in me...
beyond the 200 baht--
a man with an eye
for adventure...
who wasn't afraid
to risk it all.
Dad, are you saying that--
[Grunting, Shit Splattering
Into Toilet]
So we took all her
one-dollar bills off the stage,
said good-bye
to that donkey...
and two days later
we were man and wife.
And we were happily married
a long time.
So, do you think I should be
more of a risk-taker?
- [Toilet Flushing]
- Worked for me.
Thanks, Pops.
[Toilet Continues Flushing]
Well, son,
looks like I've got
some work to do.
You got yourself
a man-whore.
Hah!
[Chuckling]
My man!
- Is-- Is Tina here?
- Yes.
I'm Deuce Bigalow,
your date.
I'll get my things.
I love this place.
- Where you from again?
- Norway.
-[Man #1] Freak!
- I hear great things about it.
-[Man #2] Holyshit, it's Bigfoot!
- So, how'd you end up here?
I had a pituitary gland procedure
at U.C.L.A. Medical Center...
and fell in love
with the people here.
[Man #3] Hey, keep it in the circus!
This place has gone way downhill.
What do you say we go somewhere else?
[Man #4] That's a huge bitch!
I'm sorry about
what those people said.
You should be able to go
on all the rides.
[Cup Slams On Table]
I had a really great time,
but I should go--
[Groans]
Easy. Easy!
Hey, easy!
[Grunts]
Wait! Wait!
Aah! Wait, wait!
I know what we could do!
I got it!
Give me a second to think here!
Wait! Whoa!
[Tina Moaning]
Oh, yes. Ohh!
Mmmm. Ohh.
[Moaning Continues]
Oh, God!
Oh, no one has ever
touched my feet before.
Wow!
Oooh!
[Moaning Continues]
Deuce Bigalow?
Detective Fowler,
L.A.P.D.
I want to ask you a few questions
about Antoine Laconte,
known gigolo,
male prostitute.
I'm just taking care
of his fish.
I'll bet you are.
You make me sick.
You're gonna tell me
that gigantic woman didn't just
pay you to have sex with her?
- No!
- Let me tell you something, mister.
I can sleep at night because I make
a decent, God-fearing, honest living.
I'm sure you do,
but there's nothing I can tell you.
Oh, I think there is.
What do you think
of this?
- You think I can get anything
for it? You know, money?
- I don't know!
- Yeah, you think
I'm a loser, don't you?
- No, I don't.
Well, maybe I am a loser, but I'm
a loser who can bust your ass.
You tell Antoine
I'm gonna nail him.
[Zipper Zips]
- [Rings]
- [Woman] Hello.
- Is this Ruth?
- Yeah. I'll be right down--
Goddamn it!
- Nice day, huh?
- Yeah.
Shove it up your ass!
- [Tires Screeching]
- [Horn Honking]
Geez, you okay?
I'm sorry.
I have Tourette's syndrome.
It causes me to have
these uncontrollable outbursts.
- It's not so bad.
- Yeah, it's okay.
I mean,
you get used to it.
Ball sweat!
Anus!
Anus licker!
[Gagging Noise]
You know,
there are some places...
I can't g-g-go--
Nipple biter!
Naah-naah-naah-naah-nyiii!
What are you talkin' about?
I barely notice it.
[Giggles]
Scrotum!
Sperm!
Sperm face!
I just can't go near
places like churches--
Ha ha!
Vulva!
elementary schools--
Jizz! Jizz trap!
Pretty much anywhere.
Ehh-- Fart!
Dildo!
Big-- Big, big titties!
Shit! Shit whore!
Let's put the top up.
I'll put on the air conditioning.
You probably want
to take me home, don't you?
No.
Hey, I got an idea.
% [Organ: Charge]
I'm nervous.
There's a lot of people here.
- Don't worry--
- Crap muncher!
[Man Mutters] "Crap muncher"?
I know!
He was definitely safe!
- What do you think
about the other team?
- Assholes!
Right.
And their pitcher--
I mean, stop stalling
and throw it already.
Ball hair!
Ball hair!
Yeah,
ball hair!
What we need
is a strike hair.
That other team is a bunch of
high-priced babies!
- Whores!
- Yeah! You tell 'em, baby!
[Crowd Cheering]
- [Crowd Booing]
- They called him out?
- Scrotum licker!
- Yeah!
Piss face!
Piss face! Piss face!
[All Chanting] Piss face!
Piss face! Piss face! Piss face!
Piss face! Piss face!
Piss face!
Deucey, you the best he-bitch
in my man-stable.
If I had two more man-ginas like you,
I'd be a millionaire.
T.J., I think
I'm gonna get out.
Sit down.
- This next date is what
we man-pimps call a doozy.
- What's wrong with this one?
- Nothin'.
- Have you seen her?
What is she, 80?
A hunchback?
She just got out of college.
Her girlfriends pitched in
to get her a little beefcake.
- She thinks it's a blind date.
- It's a guy, isn't it?
I don't think so,
but I have been fooled before.
You must be Kate.
Excuse me.
Waiter.
Uh, yeah, sorry.
We're busy tonight.
- All right, number four?
- Yes, thank you.
- I'm Kate.
- Are you sure?
I think so.
I'm sorry.
You're just not what I expected.
- Really.
- No, no.
I-I mean, in a good way.
They didn't say
you were so... perfect.
[Laughs]
"Perfect"
Sally and Megan didn't tell me
a lot about you.
Who?
Oh, right, uh--
Well, I clean tanks... ers.
Tankers.
I'm sorry.
I'm still kinda shocked.
I mean, you're--
you're really normal.
Thank you.
My last couple of dates
have been horrible.
- You get fixed up
on a lot of blind dates?
- Only recently.
- How about you?
- This is my first.
- I hope this place is okay.
- Are you kidding? It's terrific.
[Gasps]
Oh, God.
- Are you okay?
- Is this one of those--
It's a sushi bar.
-Are you allergic?
- You could say that.
[Exhales] That's a dog-faced
puffer fish over there.
He's not even fully matured yet.
He's a teenager, for crying out loud!
[Speaking Japanese]
Can I ask you
to stop that, please?
Hai.
I don't see how it could
possibly be pleasurable for a woman.
I just don't think
it's natural.
You're not supposed to
go up there.
To tell you the truth,
I don't know how men do it either.
You're not curious
Just to try something new?
I'm just not into it.
- So space exploration
is definitely out for you.
- Definitely.
I mean, more power to any woman
who wants to be an astronaut.
I just wouldn't do it.
Frankly, I'd rather
take it up the butt.
So you think
this is a good spot?
Perfect.
- Life's funny, huh?
- Mmm.
Some pretty close calls.
Wonder if he knew
how close he came to the end.
Oh, he knew.
I bet he never thought he'd be held
by such a lovely woman.
Deuce.
You're embarrassing me
in front ofour new friend.
That was a really nice thing
you did tonight.
Too bad it's a freshwater fish.
[Laughs]
I-I'm kidding.
I'm just joking.
-% Takes some time %
-[Door Unlocks]
% For our feelings to grow %
-% Oooh-ooh-ooh-ooh %
- Good night.
-% You're so close now %
- Good night.
% I can't let you go %
% Oooh-ooh-ooh-ooh %
% And I can't let go %
% With you I'm not shy %
% To show the way I feel %
% With you I might try %
You've had yourself
an interesting little evening.
Just taking care of his fish, huh?
She looks like a nice catch.
- It was a first date.
- Listen up, man-whore.
I oughta bust you
right now.
- We just had sushi.
- "Sushi"? Is that what they
call it nowadays?
I'm hip to your
man-whore slang.
All right, fine, why don't I just go
have a chat with your spicy tuna roll.
No, don't!
All right.
Okay, Deuce.
No problem, baby.
Relax.
Maybe I'll even let this one
slide for some information.
Like Antoine's black book.
- You know, the one
with his list of clients.
- I don't know anything about it.
Oh, yeah?
You know anything about this?
Look.
See that red spot?
That wasn't there this morning.
You know what it is?
Maybe it's a rash, something you got
from jogging. How the hell do I know?
Get it away from me.
Maybe you're right.
You got three days,
Bigalow.
[Zipper Zips]
T.J., I really like this girl.
Deucey, don't be falling in love with no
she-john. You're in it for the money.
Antoine'll be back soon.
Apartment ain't gonna pay to fix itself.
I know.
- Hey, there's been
this detective following me.
- Goddamn it, white boy!
- You didn't tell him
nothin' about me, did ya?
- No, but what should I do?
- About what?
- About the cop.
Would you stop mentioning
the damn cops!
Don't make me
he-bitch man-slap you.
[Doorbell Rings]
Hi, I'm Deuce Bigalow,
your man-whore for this evening.
Hi, I'm Carol--
- [Thud]
- [Snoring]
I have narcolepsy.
It's a sleeping disorder.
It isn't
the worst thing.
I'm just not allowed to fly
in a plane or drive a car...
or work in a gun range.
- [Chuckles] Yeah.
- [Giggles]
[Snoring]
This is such a treat.
I've always wanted to try soup,
but there's the fear of drowning.
[Snoring]
I really had fun.
- Are you gonna be okay?
- I'll be fine.
- You sure?
- Yeah.
Good night.
[Thudding Down Stairs]
% I can't get enough
of you, baby %
% I can't get enough
of you, baby %
% Yes, it's true %
% Yes, it's true %
% Whenever we kiss
I get to feelin'like this %
% I get to wishin'
that there were two of you %
-% [Continues]
- Come on. You can dance.
% Come on, baby
It feels so nice %
% I want your arms to %
% Wrap around me twice %
% I can't get enough
of you, baby %
% I can't get enough
of you, baby %
% Right or wrong %
% Hey, right or wrong %
-% I can't get enough of you, baby %
- Oh, Deuce.
- You look great.
- Thanks.
I want you
to meet my roommate.
Who's there?
Kate?
- I hear someone.
- It's just me and my friend.
Are you sure?
I hear three people.
You're the third person.
Oh.
Oh, okay.
[Whispering] She's newly blind.
She's still getting adjusted.
Bergita, this is Deuce.
I think there's something
wrong with Cassie.
Oh, honey.
This isn't Cassie.
Here she is.
[Meow]
Oh, there you are.
- It's nice to meet you.
- Hi.
Once you try it for the first time,
you're pretty happy with the results.
I've never met a hair transplant
technician before.
Oh, man, I forgot.
It's my dad's birthday.
- Let's go see him.
- He's working.
So?
What does he do?
He's in
the restaurant industry.
Kate, I'd like you
to meet my dad, Bob Bigalow.
Bob, Kate.
Hi.
Son, I'm very proud of you.
She is
a lovely young lady.
[Chuckles]
Thank you.
It's so nice to meet you.
Happy birthday.
- Thank you.
- Well, we should probably be going.
Deuce.
Dad probably has a lot
of paperwork to do, and--
No, the paper's
completely stocked.
I've got plenty of time
to get acquainted with the woman
who's made my boy so happy.
We got you a cake.
Deuce said it's your favorite.
- We had to go to
a Filipino bakery to get it.
- You didn't.
You did!
Raspberry bibingka.
Ah, you shouldn't have.
My wife,
God rest her soul,
use to make this
all the time.
You would've liked her.
Bangkok Betty.
She had the most amazing mouth.
It paid for our honeymoon.
We should probably
be going.
Deuce, it's your dad's birthday.
Hi. Bob, we have an overflowing toilet
in the ladies' bathroom.
There is shit everywhere.
It's a real mess.
- You think you could
take care of that for me?
- No worries, Vic. Right on it.
- I'd like you to meet
my son's girlfriend Kate.
- Kate, nice to meet you.
- You, too.
- Hi, Deuce.
So could you
get in there, Bob?
I got a party of ten coming in,
and I am up to my ankles in human crap.
It's a real stinkfest
back there.
Sure.
Looks like I'd better
get back to work.
It's a pleasure
meeting you, dear.
Warms my heart
Just being in your presence.
Thank you.
See you, son.
See, my dad's one of those guys,
he likes to be involved
in every facet of the business.
- It's okay.
- No problem to small or big.
They come to him for everything.
Deuce, it's all right.
It's not his restaurant.
My dad's not even a waiter.
He's the men's room attendant.
I'm sorry.
Don't be silly.
You know
what my dad does?
He's an aeronautical
engineer.
[Water Sloshing]
Bob?
[Chuckles]
Wanna blow out
your candle?
[Chuckles]
Mmm, now that's
good bibingka.
I had a really
nice time tonight.
I find that
hard to believe.
I've never met
anyone like you.
Good.
I have to see you
again.
When we go inside, try to be quiet
so we don't wake up Bergita.
% With you I'm not shy %
% To show the way I feel %
% With you I might try %
% My secrets to reveal %
% For you are a magnet %
% And I am steel %
Why don't I get
the light?
Hang on. I'll be right back.
Be right back.
[Meows]
% Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh %
You are good.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Are you all right?
I need you to be
okay with something.
What? I'm okay
with everything.
Deuce.
There may be things
about me that you don't like.
I like everything
about you.
I mean, physically.
So you're taller than me.
Big deal. I'll get over it.
It's not that.
What?
If you were to find out
something about me...
and my body that was
maybe a little different...
than what you were used to,
would that be okay?
There could be nothing
on your body that I wouldn't like.
What are you
talking about?
What do you got, like, six toes
or something? I can live with that.
Deuce, I have to tell you,
- I have a--
- Shh.
[Giggles]
[Gasps]
Oh, my God. I'm sorry!
- I tried to tell you.
- No, it's my fault.
I shouldn't have
pulled it so hard.
If you want to leave,
I completely understand.
I don't want to leave.
I'm sorry I had that reaction.
I just-- I got a lot of things
going on in my life recently,
and they all sort of culminated
when your leg fell off--
came off--
disconnected--
- Just get out!
- Oh, my God!
Please leave.
Kate!
I'm sorry!
[Sobbing]
Just go home.
Don't I have
a say in this?
Hand me my leg.
- Then will you come out and talk?
- I don't know.
[Click]
Are you sure
you want to stay?
Yes, but only if
you come out of there.
I need to know how you feel
about all this.
The same as I did
an hour ago,
when I thought to myself,
"I'm the luckiest guy in the world...
to be with her leg--
with you."
[Squeaking]
Ow-w-w!
Is this normal?
My face is numb.
It's perfectly normal
in hair replacement surgery.
The local anesthetic has numbed
the major nerves in your face,
Just like at the dentist.
-[Pounding]
- Ow-w-w-w!
You're Kate's best friends, and I know
your opinions mean a lot to her.
And... I'd like to get
really serious with her.
- You're a prostitute!
- Not anymore.
And it's "man-whore".
Anyway, I just quit.
I mean, Kate's the one for me.
Listen, you were only supposed to
go out with her one night,
show her a good time, and then
get the hell out of her life.
- You know she's not normal.
- She's not like other girls.
You know what her problem is?
Friends like you.
She's perfect.
She's kind,
she's sweet, she's funny,
and she likes me.
Now I came here
to give you your money back--
the money you paid a stranger
to have sex with your friend.
Hey! You stay away
from her, man-whore!
Hiya, Deuce. Your three days
are up, lover boy.
- So where's Antoine's black book?
- I've looked everywhere.
Listen, punk, you are aiding
and abetting a known criminal.
Do the initials T and J mean
anything to you?
Uh, turkey jizz?
I don't--
You better show some respect, or I'm
gonna rip that pleasure-giving
tongue out of your head!
- [Zipper Unzips]
- One more thing.
I was at the precinct, and I
really had to use the john,
and it's pretty filthy in there
and I was in kind of a hurry...
and I didn't have time to use one of
those, you know, paper ass gaskets.
I was doin' my business, and something
sort of splashed up on me, all over.
What do you do in situations like that?
You think I'll be all right?
- I think you're pretty safe.
- I better be!
- % [Funk]
-[TJ.] Ugly is not
a problem for this guy.
My man would stick his dick
in a he-monkey.
All right.
I'll catch you later.
What up, Deucey?
[Sighs] You should know,
that cop won't leave me alone.
- % [Off]
- What about the cop?
- He's been asking questions.
- Goddamn white boy.
Anyway, it doesn't matter
to me anymore. I'm quitting.
What about
Antoine's apartment?
I'm gonna get the rest of the money
the old-fashioned way.
You gonna steal it?
See ya, T.J.
I just quit!
I'm never doing it again!
- You lied to me!
- Listen, please.
It's not what you think.
You were paid
to go out with me!
[Sobbing]
- You want breakfast?
- Kate!
Please go away!
I don't want to see you again!
Me neither.
I'm sorry.
[Snarls]
% I feel sad
when you're sad %
% I feel glad
when you're glad %
% And if you only knew
what I'm goin' through %
% I just can't smile %
% With out you %
[Shattering]
% You came along
just like a song %
% And brightened my day %
% Who'd have believed
you were part of a dream %
% And now it all seems
a light year away %
% And you know
I can't smile with out you %
% I can't smile
without you %
% I can't laugh
I can't sing %
% I'm findin' it hard
to do anything %
I'm 1,500 short.
Isn't there anything else you can do?
Listen, I came all over the place--
down from six grand.
This is a custom
hand job.
- Let me pay you monthly.
- The last time I didn't
get the money up front,
- I got the big stiffie.
- [Rings]
- Hello?
- [Antoine] What the hell are
you doing picking up my phone?
- I found the coral you wanted.
- If you are doing anything I
disapprove of, I will kill you!
- Hola, senor. Noyo tengo.
No habla Ingles.
- [Antoine Chattering]
- Murder! I will kill you!
- Hasta luego.
[Rings, Beeps]
[On Answering Machine]
Hey, Antoine. It's Elaine.
I really need
to see you again.
Same price, same place?
I'll have the money.
Hi. Um, this isn't
Antoine,
but, uh, maybe we
can work something out.
Hi.
I'm Deuce.
- Stop.
- Why?
- You don't want to have sex.
- Yes, I do.
I think we both do.
Don't you find me
attractive?
Are you kidding? You're one of
the hottest women I've ever seen.
Easy, easy.
I just can't do this.
I'm head over heels
for a girl,
and we're going through a rough time,
me being a man-whore and all.
But I know it's gonna work out,
because I love her.
Well, she's a lucky girl.
At least emotionally.
My guy used
to be like that.
Hey.
Hang in there.
Things have a way
of working out.
Hey.
Where you goin'?
Well, I thought we talked
and you understood.
I understand. But the fact is,
I still paid for your services.
What did you have
in mind?
% ["Get Down Tonight"]
% Baby, let's get together %
% Honey, hon
me and you %
% And do the things
Ah %
% Do the things %
% That we like to do %
% Oh, do a little dance %
% Make a little love
Get down tonight %
% Get down tonight %
% Do a little dance %
% Make a little love
Get down tonight %
% Get down tonight, baby
Get down, get down %
% Get down, get down %
-% Get down tonight, baby %
- Aah!
% Woo, woo, woo, woo
woo, woo, woo, woo, woo %
% Get down, get down
get down, get down %
% Get down tonight, baby %
- I'm just exhausted.
- Oh, God, you were amazing.
Are you kidding?
[Elevator Doors Shut]
I just had to see
for myself.
Oof! Oh!
-[Groaning]
- Kate!
% I'm not in love %
% I'm not in love %
Ohh!
- What?
- How's Elaine?
You know, your wife.
Bastard!
This wasn't about
some black book.
Your wife was a customer
of Antoine's, wasn't she?
That son of a bitch is goin' down.
And you're gonna join him!
How's that gonna fix
your marriage?
Look, I lost someone
that I love too.
You know why
she did this?
You wanna know why
she went outside our marriage?
It's because
of my dick, man.
I mean, that's the reason.
It's my dick.
Take it easy.
You're saying your wife cheated on you
because your penis is too small?
It's not too small. It's too thin,
okay? My dick is too thin.
- I've got a thin dick!
- Can you keep it down?
- I'd like to come back here someday.
- Everybody knows...
that it's width, width that
gives sexual gratification.
I've read it.
Cosmo, Redbook, you name it.
What am I supposed to do? I've got
the thinnest penis in the world! Here.
- It's like a Twizzler. Look!
- No, no, stop that.
Sit down!
Sit!
It's not your dick.
It's you.
I'm telling you now,
if you painted it silver...
and twisted it on the end,
it'd look like a kickstand.
If man-whoring
has taught me anything,
it's that most women are as unhappy
with their entire body...
as you are
with your small penis.
- Thin penis.
- Whatever.
- While you're worried about your penis,
- Thin penis.
women are worried
about their height,
their weight,
their giant feet,
the stream of obscenities that could
burst through their mouth at any second.
If you make a woman
feel good about herself,
it really doesn't matter
what's wrong with you.
Even if it's
really, really thin?
We're talkin'
spaghetti stick.
Tell you what.
Every time you're feeling self-conscious
about your thin dick,
say something nice to make
your woman feel sexy.
I mean, is that it?
I mean, is that all there is?
There is
one other thing.
% Do a little dance
Make a little love %
% Get down tonight %
% Get down tonight %
% Do a little dance
Make a little love %
% Get down tonight
Get down tonight %
Uh, yes, sir.
Um, you're sure there isn't
anything you can do?
Yes, sir.
I understand.
Listen.
I really appreciate you helping me.
I guess
I misjudged you.
Anyway, I got you
off the hook.
Why am I still worried?
You got to give them T.J.
- I can't do that!
- You got no choice.
I've been workin'
on this case for three months.
- Boss says somebody's
got to be arrested.
- But T.J.'s my friend.
They're serious, Deuce.
Look, I don't like it,
but it's either you or him.
Your Honor, sex for money
is morally reprehensible.
Mr. Bigalow has compounded this crime
by refusing to name his he-pimp.
Therefore, we ask for
the maximum term...
for each of the five counts
of prostitution.
[Loud Thudding, Rumbling]
[Burps, Sighs]
Excuse me.
We never had sex.
We talked about it.
Well, I talked about it.
But Deuce never took advantage of me.
He should have.
But he's my friend.
He made me realize that I wasn't
just some hot babe with huge tits.
Even though I am.
Oh, and he also
got me walkin' again.
Deuce and I
never had sex.
- It was physically impossible.
-[Man #1] Freak!
It's true I paid him money
to be with him,
and I'd do it again because he made me
feel good about myself.
Behemoth.
[Coughs]
And no one ever
touched my feet before.
[Man #2] That's a huge bitch!
Deuce taught me to be
comfortable with who I am.
Thank you, Deuce.
Y-- Asshole!
These are very serious
charges, Mr. Bigalow.
I just have one question
to ask you.
During your entire stint as a he-whore,
did you have sex with anyone?
- Yes, Your Honor.
- [Spectators Gasp]
Just one woman.
- And I'm in love with her.
- [All Gasping]
Order!
[Banging Gavel]
Order, please.
This is very important,
Mr. Bigalow.
Did she pay you for sex?
No.
Case dismissed.
[All Cheering]
Yes!
These shots will deaden
the nerve area...
where your hair transplants
will be.
There.
That should do it.
Nurse, would you please
remove our donor hair.
I'll be back
in a minute.
Mr. Johnson, please
Just lie back down now.
Oh, my God.
Deuce!
Kate, listen to me.
What are you
doing here?
It's the only way
I could get you to see me.
Deuce, it's over
between us.
[Grunting]
Listen,
those shots
hurt like hell.
Could you at least
hear me out?
Well, I don't know how much you charge
by the hour, but you have one minute.
Okay.
I deserved that.
I should've told you
right from the start,
but I was afraid.
Afraid of what?
Afraid that a girl
as wonderful as you...
could never fall for a guy
who cleans fish tanks.
'Cause that's who
I really am.
This whole gigolo thing
was just a mistake.
But I'm glad
it happened...
'cause I never
would have met you.
I never would have known
what love was.
I'm sorry.
I'm not perfect.
[Sighs]
I'm not perfect either.
Yes, you are.
You're perfect in every way.
I knew it
the moment I met you.
Kate.
"You have a smile
that could melt an iceberg"
"Your lips
are as sweet as honey"
"You may only have
one leg,
but it's the most beautiful
leg in the world."
Are you kissing me?
'Cause I can't feel a thing.
[Laughing]
[Woman On P.A.] Now boarding
at gate 53.
Flight 14 to Sydney, Australia
is now boarding--
I've never done this
in 12 hours before.
I'm not responsible
if the seals leak.
Shit!
S-Shit cabinet!
[Snoring]
Come on, put the fish
in the tank already.
Antoine's plane landed
I think
we're gonna be okay.
Could you step this way,
please?
Is it time to put
the big guy in yet?
[Sighs] Give him another minute.
Temperature's not right.
Spread them again, please.
[Deuce] Okay, we can put
the last fish in.
Looks like
you pulled it off, kid.
[Bergita] Time for some tequila!
[Blender Whirring]
[Whirring Stops]
Margaritas, anybody?
[Panting] I need... Chinese...
tailbar... lionfish.
- 700, 800.
- Where'd you get all that money?
- Friends.
- Yeah, right.
Anything else?
On second thought, you'd better give me
some of those sea snails.
So, uh,
how was your trip?
Very good...
till about three hours ago.
Yeah?
What happened?
I don't wanna talk
about it.
The place looks good.
Good to be home.
I should take off
so you can relax.
Is there something
you're not telling me?
Yeah.
I put your mail on the nightstand.
[Clears Throat]
Right.
What the hell is this?
A chocolate margarita.
You've been having
a party?
It was, uh, more like, uh,
a welcome-home thing, really.
I could really use one
right now.
[Slurping]
Spicy.
- I should probably go.
- My fish.
They look smaller.
Sometimes
when they're, uh, sick,
they'll shrink.
Hey, fishy, fishy,
fishy, fishy.
Hey, fishy, fishy, fishy,
fishy, fishy, fishy.
-[Tapping On Glass]
- Hey, fishy, fishy, fishy, fishy.
[Glass Cracking]
I did man-whore for a little bit,
but none of your clients.
None of them.
I know an aquarium guy
who can fix all of this.
- He's a little expensive--
- Hah!
Deuce!
[Yelling, Grunting]
No!
[Grunts]
- Deuce!
- No!
[Gasps]
[Gasping]
-[Extracts Arrow]
- [Groans]
Ohh.
[Sighs]
Hey! Tough guy.
What do you think of this?
You're busted.
What's goin' on
out here?
I can see!
You're black.
I knew it.
[Giggles]
% Love %
% Is what I want %
% Whoa, yeah %
% And all you gotta do
is bring it to me, baby %
% Talk %
% Is what I want %
-% What I want %
-% Whoa, yeah %
% What I want %
% And all you gotta do
is bring it to me, baby %
-% Talk %
-% Come on let's talk about it %
-% Talk %
-% Can't seem to do without it %
-% Talk %
-% Don't wanna be %
% One of the broken-hearted %
% So lift me up
Finish what you started %
% Take me off for a ride %
% Lift me up
from the broken-hearted %
% Rivers deep and wide %
% Lift me up %
% Take me off for a ride %
% Lift me up
from the broken-hearted %
% Rivers deep and wide %
% Color me
your color, baby %
% Color me your car %
% Color me
your color, darling %
% I know who you are %
% Come up
off your color chart %
% I know where
you're coming from %
% Call me for a ride %
% Call me, call me
any, any time %
% Call me, my love %
% You can call me
any day or night %
% Call me %
% Cover me with kisses
baby %
% Cover me with love %
% Roll me
in designer sheets %
% I'll never get enough %
% Emotions come
I don't know why %
% Cover up love's alibi %
% Call me for a ride %
% Call me, call me
any, any time %
% Call me, my love %
% When you're ready
we can share the wine %
% Call me %
% Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh %
% He speaks
the languages of love %
% Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh
amore, chiamami %
% Chiamami %
% Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh %
% Appelle-moi, mon cherie
Appelle-moi %
% Anytime, anyplace %
% Anywhere, anyway %
% Anytime, anyplace
Anywhere, anyday %
% Any way %
% Call me, my love %
% Call me, call me
any, any time %
% Call me for a ride %
% Call me, call me
for some overtime %
% Call me, my love %
% Call me, call me
in a sweet design %
% Call me, ohhh-ohh %
% Call me, call me
call me anytime %
% Call me, call me %
% For your lover's lover's
alibi %
% Call me on the line %
% Call me, call me
any, any time %
% Call me, call me %
% Just call me, call me
call me, call me, call me %
% Call me, call me
call me, call me, call me %
% Call me, call me
call me, call me, call me %
in life you can find %
% They all can be yours
with the right frame of mind %
% Just look, and you'll find %
% There are no secrets to hide %
% Leave your problems behind
Leave your problems behind %
% No worry, friends
No worry %
-[People Murmuring]
-[Man] Yuck!
Eww!
Swim trunks are loaded with
detergents and other hazardous
chemicals harmful to fish.
Ow! Aah!
Oh!
Hi, Allison.
- Just quit my job at the aquarium.
- Heard you got fired.
Yeah. The aquarium's totally changed.
Don't worry about me. I'll be fine.
I got a lot
of great offers.
Things are really
starting to happen for me.
- I was thinking maybe later
if you weren't doing any--
- No.
- I mean if--
Uh, when you're not working.
- I don't think so.
Okay, I guess I'll just take
some sea snails and be on my way.
No, no, a little lower.
The ones on the bottom.
Uh,
have a good nipple.
[Tires Screeching]
[Laughing]
% Color me
your color, baby %
% Color me your car %
% Color me
your color, darling %
-% I know who you are %
- [Both Laughing]
% [Continues, Indistinct]
- Ah, you have beautiful
skin, baby, huh?
- [Laughing]
Get some olive oil,
rub it all over you.
We'll have
a good time, huh?
[Woman] Oh, yeah.
-[Door Slams]
-[Man] Let's get him out of there.
[Man, Woman Moaning
Passionately, Faint]
[Woman] Ohh! Oh, Antoine!
Yeah!
[Continues Moaning]
[Moaning Pace Quickens]
-[Antoine] Oh! Oh! Oh!
Oh! Oh! Oh!
-[Woman Shrieking]
[Moaning Ceases]
Try to keep your
goldfish in this bowl.
If you like, I could
stick around for a while.
Every kid needs a father.
What the hell?
- [Roars]
- [Gasps]
What the hell
are you doing?
There's a mongrel koi in there.
It's the most dangerous of all goldfish.
- Do you have any ice?
- Hey.
Shoes off, huh?
Respect the 18th century
Persian carpet.
Whoa!
What are those?
Medieval weapons.
I'm a collector.
They're worth twice as much
if they've killed somebody.
I collect
Canadian quarters.
I got about six of'em.
Would you like
anything to drink?
I wouldn't mind
a glass of--
Whoa.
What is that?
Is that a custom Living Color
anti-glare, retractable-top tank?
- I'm not sure.
- It is!
They assemble each one
of these by hand.
Whoa! Chinese tailbar lionfish.
He's a beauty!
That's an $800 fish!
- Try a grand.
- Then you overpaid.
Hey, fishy, fishy,
fishy, fishy.
Hey, fishy, fishy, fishy.
Hey. An Australian
rainbow fish.
You're not gonna
want to put him in there--
- Oh, God!
- Women love it.
They find it erotic
when they eat each other.
Excuse me
for a second, huh?
Must make pee-pee.
[Urinating]
[Phone Rings]
-[Answering Machine Beeps]
-[Woman] Antoine, hi. It's Regina.
I'm flying in from Luxembourg tomorrow.
I want you to be my driver.
Swiss Air, flight 12.
Is it still 3,500?
- See you. Ciao.
-[Answering Machine Beeps]
I finally figured out how you
pick up all these gorgeous women.
- How's that?
- You're a limo driver.
Sometimes I am.
- So you just drive them back
here and have sex with them?
- If they pay me enough, yes.
What kind of limo service
is that?
Shouldn't you be taking them
to fancy restaurants or the theater?
- I'm a gigolo.
- A gigo-who?
Women pay me
to give them pleasure.
- How did you get that job?
- I just kind of fell into it.
I'm gonna kill
my guidance counselor.
% [Latin Dance]
- Hey! Hey! Hey! [Chattering]
- [Dog Barking]
Down!
Bad dog!
Hey, guys.
Did you miss me?
Well, there's been a slight delay
in our move-to-the-beach plan.
But don't worry.
It's gonna happen.
[Antoine] Hey, fish guy!
I think there's something wrong
with my, uh, uh, big fish.
pH is off. The nitrates
are at a dangerous level.
- I can neutralize it.
- Oh, fishy, fishy, fishy.
They don't like that.
- I think our little friend
has Malawi bloat.
- What the hell is that?
- It's a gill disorder.
- Is it bad?
- Could be fatal.
- But is he gonna make it?
He's in shock. I gave him
some freeze-dried water fleas,
but he's gotta want to live.
- The next forty-eight
hours are critical.
- Forty-eight hours?
But I got to go to Switzerland for
business. I'll be gone for three weeks.
Well, cancel it.
You got a sick fish here, pal.
Hey, hey,
what about you, huh?
Sounds good, but I can't afford
to go to Europe right now.
- My passport expired--
- No, no, I mean you can stay
here and look after my fish.
I've got
a full bar, huh?
Digital television.
You're on the beach.
I don't know.
I--
I would be honored
to care for your fish.
Just remember, don't use my car
and don't answer my phone.
No car, no phone.
So I guess throwing a big beach party's
out of the question.
This is a 14th century
Hungarian crossbow.
It has killed a king...
and changed
the history of Europe.
You mess up anything in my apartment,
I'll shove it up your ass.
Have a good trip.
% Come on, come on %
Women pay me
to give them pleasure.
[Screams]
% Come on, come on %
% And tell me
what you're sayin' %
% Come on, come on %
% Get a whiff
of what I'm wearing %
% Come on, come on %
% Come on, come on %
% And stop %
[Man] I'm on the beach.
I mean, I open up my window,
I got sand blowin' in my face.
- It's that crazy. I'd love
to show it to you sometime.
- No.
- You really owe it to yourself to see--
- No.
Hey! Try to get laid
on your own time, pal.
[Customers Complaining]
I guess I'll just take
some sea snails.
You better get me some
from the colder tank.
[Clicks, Whirrs]
[Man Calling Race]
[Clicks, Whirrs]
% ["Strangers in The Night"]
[Moaning, Sighing]
- [Woman] Oh, yes! Oh!
- [Doorbell Rings]
[Man On TV] I've been bad.
I've been really bad.
-[Hand Swatting]
-[Moaning Continues]
- [Clicking Frantically]
- [Man] But it was worth it.
Hi. Would you like to buy
some Girls of America cookies?
- [Man On TV] Don't hit me with that.
- Could you come back later?
- [Swat]
- [Man] Ohh!
- Eew. What are you watching?
- [Moaning]
- You're gross!
You're a sick man,
and I'm gonna tell!
- [Man On TV] Hit me with it again.
- How much?
[Groaning]
Great.
[Electricity Crackling]
[Gasping]
[Grunting]
[Grunting, Panting]
[Phone Ringing]
[On Answering Machine]
Hey, Deuce, it's Antoine.
I just realized
I don't know you that well.
To be honest,
it's freaking me out a little.
You just make sure you keep
my apartment clean or you will die.
- Bye-bye.
- [Answering Machine Beeps]
Oh! Oh!
Aah!
- Six thousand dollars?
- I know. It sucks.
Neil, where am I going
to get $6,000 in three weeks?
I don't know your budget.
You may not want to...
blow your whole wad
on this tank.
I would.
- Can I pay in installments?
- No.
I'm up to my bicep in it,
if you know what I mean.
I'm not trying to flip you over
and do you dry here.
Look, squat on it
for a night...
and let me know.
[Ringing]
- What? Hello?
- [Woman] Hi.
I've been staring
at your number for hours.
I got it
from a friend.
Um, I'm not really
supposed to use this phone.
Why don't you
come over?
My address is
Actually, I've-I've
got a lot of work...
to do here... still.
I'm naked.
% Call me
on the line %
% Call me, call me
any, any time %
% Call me %
% [Romantic]
Now, there's my little
German tourist.
Is this it?
Is this the whole outfit?
It's perfect.
"Guten Abend,
Herr Fraulein."
Yes. Use the map.
Use the map.
"Vohrest der
Statue of Liberty?"
You should've stuck
with the tour, Heinz.
Now you'll have
to pay the penalty.
It's-It's n-no problem.
I'll just, um--
Let me slip on
a few of these babies.
[Loud Roar]
- What was that?
- I didn't hear anything.
Now come here,
you naughty little
sightseer.
[Groans]
- [Roaring]
- [Thud]
Wait a second.
I definitely heard something.
Oh, that's just Wolfy.
He's been in there a while.
Now you concentrate
and stay in character.
- [Roaring]
- Wolfy, settle down!
Now you just focus on your
little wiener schnitzel.
-[Snarling]
- I gotta get out of here.
Don't worry. He never
gets all the way through.
- Maybe you better go.
-[Barking]
Wolfy, you've gotta stop
doing this to Mommy's friends.
Yes, he does.
Yes, he does.
He'll be all right for a while.
Here, this is for you.
It's all I could grab.
- Did I bring you pleasure?
- Not really.
- You better haul ass.
-[Wolfy Crashes Against Door, Whines]
[Barking Continues]
Ten dollars?
Yeah!
% [Disco]
% [Man Rapping Over Lyrics,
Indistinct]
[Man] A martini
and two olives.
Martini.
Two olives.
Any ladies need
some entertainment tonight?
Eight-fifty.
- Eight dollars?
- And fifty cents.
Well, how much just for
a plain cranberry juice?
- Uh, three dollars.
- I'll go for that.
There you go.
That's eleven-fifty.
Uh, no, no. Perhaps
you misunderstood me.
I wish to cancel my original order
of the martini and two olives...
and go for just the plain cranberry
Juice by itself for the three dollars.
And I apologize for any inconvenience
this may have caused you.
Uh, perhaps
you don't understand.
If you don't pay me now,
I'm gonna take this swizzle stick...
and, uh, I'll be shovin' that
right up your pee hole.
- So that was eleven-fifty, right?
- Right.
Okay,
there's ten...
and six quarters, and--
Tell you what.
I'll go work on your tip.
[Speaking French]
I couldn't help
overhearing your Spanish.
- It's French.
- Ah. Oui.
French. Nice people.
May I?
- No--
- [Flatulent Sound]
Ooh. [Chuckles]
Excuzes-moi. These leather seats.
Would you like a martini
or cranberry juice?
- No.
- Kind of celebrating tonight.
Possible career change.
Mmm.
I'm pretty excited
about it.
You wanna get out of here?
Okay. I'm sorry.
I mean, together.
[Gulps]
What happened
to the carpet?
Oh, it's one of those
Well, that's
certainly appreciated.
Hey, whoa.
Maybe we should take care
of a little business first.
If you prefer.
I don't have a set price or anything,
but I have been getting ten dollars.
- I'm sorry?
- Well, that's my going rate.
But I'm willing
to negotiate.
[Chuckles] That's funny.
But the price is 500.
You're gonna pay me $500?
No, honey. You pay me.
Oh, I get it.
This is some kind of role reversal.
I'll play along
with this.
Okay, 300, 400, 500.
You're my hooker.
No, seriously,
where's my ten dollars?
Look, asshole. I didn't come
all the way down here for nothing.
Now give me my $500!
You give me ten dollars!
Five hundred, now!
[Groaning]
You pay me ten dollars.
Nice.
Ooh!
Is that all you got?
Ten dollars.
No! Please don't!
Five hundred dollars...
or the fish gets it.
Let's talk about this.
- Why do you have a picture of Antoine?
- Well, this is his place.
I'm watching his fish
for him.
Please, don't tell him
about the shoes, huh?
-[Door Shuts]
- [Sighs]
[Door Slams]
- Can I help you?
- Oh, my God.
I'm lookin' at a dead man.
You know, Claire told me
that Antoine's place was messed up,
but I had no idea.
- Claire?
- The hooker you ass-punched.
That was a misunderstanding.
And I intend to have everything
fixed by the time Antoine gets back.
I'm just-- I'm just a little
strapped for cash right now.
Maybe there's somethin'
we could work out.
Claire mentioned
that you dabble in harlotry.
- I'm sorry?
- You a man-whore.
-Well, I tried that for a couple hours--
-See this ring?
Topaz.
That's my mother's birthstone.
Got that from man-whorin'.
See this key chain?
That's right.
Mini yo-yo. Know where I got
the money for that?
- Man-whoring?
- Stock market.
But I got the money for the stock market
from man-whorin'...
and representin'
man-whores like yourself.
So...
you're a pimp?
T.J. don't consider himself
no pimp.
More of a male madam.
That wasn't
too well thought out.
[TJ.] Look at this proud fish.
It's like a coyote--
king of the jungle.
It's like Antoine.
He don't need no pimp.
Then look at this
mid-level fish here.
Works hotels, conventions,
senior centers.
I represent several man-whores
at this level of the game.
Now look at
this little fella,
at the bottom, tryin' to
get busy with the scuba man.
You know, if you work hard
and listen to me,
this could be you.
Well, thanks,
but I already have
a job.
I clean fish tanks.
- You gon' make $150
cleanin' fish tanks?
- $150?
Yeah. Fish ain't
gon' pay for all this.
I don't know.
You know, Antoine's
got a bad temper.
I remember once
I dropped a cigar ash on his rug.
He made me pick it up
with my anus.
Well, maybe I could do
a couple jobs,
Just to get this place
fixed up.
We got a lot of work
to do.
% I believe in miracles %
% Where you from %
- % You sexy thing %
- % Sexy thing, you %
% I believe in miracles %
Aaaaah!
% Since you came along %
% You sexy thing %
Aaaaaah!
[Groans]
- [Tape Rips]
- Yeeeee-aaaaah!
[Scream Continues, Reverberates]
You a man-whore now.
I'm so proud.
Thanks, T.J.
Now remember,
it's a business.
Never, ever fall in love.
[Car Starts, Races Away]
[Buzzer Lock Sounds]
[Low, Masculine Voice]
I'm upstairs!
Okay, Deuce,
don't fall in love.
I know what you're thinkin'.
You're thinkin' those are
the biggest boobies you've ever seen.
Can I please
use your phone?
I'm not your average woman.
I like sex,
and I'm not afraid to adm--
[Wet Coughing]
Excuse me.
I just had pudding an hour ago.
- Dear God.
- You ever parked your bicycle
in an airplane hangar?
- I'm sorry?
- You ever thrown a toothpick
into a volcano?
- What?
- Oh, nothing.
Just making idle chitchat.
- Are you comfortable?
- Actually, no.
Ooh, I'm sweatin'.
You're gettin' me all hot.
You don't like my hair,
do you?
- I think there's been a mistake.
- Did you say steak?
- No, mistake.
- Oh, see, now you got me all excited.
Look, I'm gay.
Well, how gay are you?
Very, very gay. You must have dialed
the Very Gay Escort Service.
Oh, shit.
See, sometimes my fingers swell up
and I can't cleanly hit the numbers.
- They should make a phone
for full-figured girls.
- They should.
So, what do we do?
[Woman] Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah!
Cakes and pies. Cakes and pies.
[Giggling]
Okay, which pie
has the most sugar?
- Peach cobbler.
- [Sighs] You win again.
That's four games to one.
Well, fast food trivia
is my game, honey.
I must tell you, nobody
has ever pleasured Jabba the Slut.
Deucey, you have a way of satisfying
a woman that would sicken a normal man.
I can't do this anymore.
You must have
a magical "man-gina".
- Huh?
- "Man-gina"
It's a professional term we man-whores
use to describe our... he-pussy.
I'm not one
of your man-whores.
Okay? I quit.
You ungrateful he-bitch.
How 'bout I get Antoine on the phone
in Switzerland and tell him...
how you redecorated
his poon palace.
I'm not
an ungrateful he-bitch.
Just give me a minute
to think here.
[Urinal Flushes]
Thanks.
- How's it going?
- Pretty good.
- Hey, Dad, let me ask you a question.
- And what's that, son?
Do you think it's wrong for a man
to accept money from a woman...
to, you know,
show her a good time?
I was just thinking about that
this morning.
The idea of a man-whore
is a relatively new idea.
- Cologne?
- No, thanks.
[Loud Fart]
These women are looking for something
more than just sex. They want romance.
- What do you mean?
- [Loud Fart]
Well, it was like when I met
your mom, God rest her soul.
I didn't have so much
as a toilet to clean.
Still, I wasn't going to pay her
a dime for sex, no matter
what she was charging.
- What?
- [Loud Fart]
Your mom could've had any man
she wanted in that strip club,
and this being my first time in Bangkok,
I was looking for a good time myself.
- You met Mom where?
- It's not important.
- [Loud Fart]
The thing is,
she saw something in me...
beyond the 200 baht--
a man with an eye
for adventure...
who wasn't afraid
to risk it all.
Dad, are you saying that--
[Grunting, Shit Splattering
Into Toilet]
So we took all her
one-dollar bills off the stage,
said good-bye
to that donkey...
and two days later
we were man and wife.
And we were happily married
a long time.
So, do you think I should be
more of a risk-taker?
- [Toilet Flushing]
- Worked for me.
Thanks, Pops.
[Toilet Continues Flushing]
Well, son,
looks like I've got
some work to do.
You got yourself
a man-whore.
Hah!
[Chuckling]
My man!
- Is-- Is Tina here?
- Yes.
I'm Deuce Bigalow,
your date.
I'll get my things.
I love this place.
- Where you from again?
- Norway.
-[Man #1] Freak!
- I hear great things about it.
-[Man #2] Holyshit, it's Bigfoot!
- So, how'd you end up here?
I had a pituitary gland procedure
at U.C.L.A. Medical Center...
and fell in love
with the people here.
[Man #3] Hey, keep it in the circus!
This place has gone way downhill.
What do you say we go somewhere else?
[Man #4] That's a huge bitch!
I'm sorry about
what those people said.
You should be able to go
on all the rides.
[Cup Slams On Table]
I had a really great time,
but I should go--
[Groans]
Easy. Easy!
Hey, easy!
[Grunts]
Wait! Wait!
Aah! Wait, wait!
I know what we could do!
I got it!
Give me a second to think here!
Wait! Whoa!
[Tina Moaning]
Oh, yes. Ohh!
Mmmm. Ohh.
[Moaning Continues]
Oh, God!
Oh, no one has ever
touched my feet before.
Wow!
Oooh!
[Moaning Continues]
Deuce Bigalow?
Detective Fowler,
L.A.P.D.
I want to ask you a few questions
about Antoine Laconte,
known gigolo,
male prostitute.
I'm just taking care
of his fish.
I'll bet you are.
You make me sick.
You're gonna tell me
that gigantic woman didn't just
pay you to have sex with her?
- No!
- Let me tell you something, mister.
I can sleep at night because I make
a decent, God-fearing, honest living.
I'm sure you do,
but there's nothing I can tell you.
Oh, I think there is.
What do you think
of this?
- You think I can get anything
for it? You know, money?
- I don't know!
- Yeah, you think
I'm a loser, don't you?
- No, I don't.
Well, maybe I am a loser, but I'm
a loser who can bust your ass.
You tell Antoine
I'm gonna nail him.
[Zipper Zips]
- [Rings]
- [Woman] Hello.
- Is this Ruth?
- Yeah. I'll be right down--
Goddamn it!
- Nice day, huh?
- Yeah.
Shove it up your ass!
- [Tires Screeching]
- [Horn Honking]
Geez, you okay?
I'm sorry.
I have Tourette's syndrome.
It causes me to have
these uncontrollable outbursts.
- It's not so bad.
- Yeah, it's okay.
I mean,
you get used to it.
Ball sweat!
Anus!
Anus licker!
[Gagging Noise]
You know,
there are some places...
I can't g-g-go--
Nipple biter!
Naah-naah-naah-naah-nyiii!
What are you talkin' about?
I barely notice it.
[Giggles]
Scrotum!
Sperm!
Sperm face!
I just can't go near
places like churches--
Ha ha!
Vulva!
elementary schools--
Jizz! Jizz trap!
Pretty much anywhere.
Ehh-- Fart!
Dildo!
Big-- Big, big titties!
Shit! Shit whore!
Let's put the top up.
I'll put on the air conditioning.
You probably want
to take me home, don't you?
No.
Hey, I got an idea.
% [Organ: Charge]
I'm nervous.
There's a lot of people here.
- Don't worry--
- Crap muncher!
[Man Mutters] "Crap muncher"?
I know!
He was definitely safe!
- What do you think
about the other team?
- Assholes!
Right.
And their pitcher--
I mean, stop stalling
and throw it already.
Ball hair!
Ball hair!
Yeah,
ball hair!
What we need
is a strike hair.
That other team is a bunch of
high-priced babies!
- Whores!
- Yeah! You tell 'em, baby!
[Crowd Cheering]
- [Crowd Booing]
- They called him out?
- Scrotum licker!
- Yeah!
Piss face!
Piss face! Piss face!
[All Chanting] Piss face!
Piss face! Piss face! Piss face!
Piss face! Piss face!
Piss face!
Deucey, you the best he-bitch
in my man-stable.
If I had two more man-ginas like you,
I'd be a millionaire.
T.J., I think
I'm gonna get out.
Sit down.
- This next date is what
we man-pimps call a doozy.
- What's wrong with this one?
- Nothin'.
- Have you seen her?
What is she, 80?
A hunchback?
She just got out of college.
Her girlfriends pitched in
to get her a little beefcake.
- She thinks it's a blind date.
- It's a guy, isn't it?
I don't think so,
but I have been fooled before.
You must be Kate.
Excuse me.
Waiter.
Uh, yeah, sorry.
We're busy tonight.
- All right, number four?
- Yes, thank you.
- I'm Kate.
- Are you sure?
I think so.
I'm sorry.
You're just not what I expected.
- Really.
- No, no.
I-I mean, in a good way.
They didn't say
you were so... perfect.
[Laughs]
"Perfect"
Sally and Megan didn't tell me
a lot about you.
Who?
Oh, right, uh--
Well, I clean tanks... ers.
Tankers.
I'm sorry.
I'm still kinda shocked.
I mean, you're--
you're really normal.
Thank you.
My last couple of dates
have been horrible.
- You get fixed up
on a lot of blind dates?
- Only recently.
- How about you?
- This is my first.
- I hope this place is okay.
- Are you kidding? It's terrific.
[Gasps]
Oh, God.
- Are you okay?
- Is this one of those--
It's a sushi bar.
-Are you allergic?
- You could say that.
[Exhales] That's a dog-faced
puffer fish over there.
He's not even fully matured yet.
He's a teenager, for crying out loud!
[Speaking Japanese]
Can I ask you
to stop that, please?
Hai.
I don't see how it could
possibly be pleasurable for a woman.
I just don't think
it's natural.
You're not supposed to
go up there.
To tell you the truth,
I don't know how men do it either.
You're not curious
Just to try something new?
I'm just not into it.
- So space exploration
is definitely out for you.
- Definitely.
I mean, more power to any woman
who wants to be an astronaut.
I just wouldn't do it.
Frankly, I'd rather
take it up the butt.
So you think
this is a good spot?
Perfect.
- Life's funny, huh?
- Mmm.
Some pretty close calls.
Wonder if he knew
how close he came to the end.
Oh, he knew.
I bet he never thought he'd be held
by such a lovely woman.
Deuce.
You're embarrassing me
in front ofour new friend.
That was a really nice thing
you did tonight.
Too bad it's a freshwater fish.
[Laughs]
I-I'm kidding.
I'm just joking.
-% Takes some time %
-[Door Unlocks]
% For our feelings to grow %
-% Oooh-ooh-ooh-ooh %
- Good night.
-% You're so close now %
- Good night.
% I can't let you go %
% Oooh-ooh-ooh-ooh %
% And I can't let go %
% With you I'm not shy %
% To show the way I feel %
% With you I might try %
You've had yourself
an interesting little evening.
Just taking care of his fish, huh?
She looks like a nice catch.
- It was a first date.
- Listen up, man-whore.
I oughta bust you
right now.
- We just had sushi.
- "Sushi"? Is that what they
call it nowadays?
I'm hip to your
man-whore slang.
All right, fine, why don't I just go
have a chat with your spicy tuna roll.
No, don't!
All right.
Okay, Deuce.
No problem, baby.
Relax.
Maybe I'll even let this one
slide for some information.
Like Antoine's black book.
- You know, the one
with his list of clients.
- I don't know anything about it.
Oh, yeah?
You know anything about this?
Look.
See that red spot?
That wasn't there this morning.
You know what it is?
Maybe it's a rash, something you got
from jogging. How the hell do I know?
Get it away from me.
Maybe you're right.
You got three days,
Bigalow.
[Zipper Zips]
T.J., I really like this girl.
Deucey, don't be falling in love with no
she-john. You're in it for the money.
Antoine'll be back soon.
Apartment ain't gonna pay to fix itself.
I know.
- Hey, there's been
this detective following me.
- Goddamn it, white boy!
- You didn't tell him
nothin' about me, did ya?
- No, but what should I do?
- About what?
- About the cop.
Would you stop mentioning
the damn cops!
Don't make me
he-bitch man-slap you.
[Doorbell Rings]
Hi, I'm Deuce Bigalow,
your man-whore for this evening.
Hi, I'm Carol--
- [Thud]
- [Snoring]
I have narcolepsy.
It's a sleeping disorder.
It isn't
the worst thing.
I'm just not allowed to fly
in a plane or drive a car...
or work in a gun range.
- [Chuckles] Yeah.
- [Giggles]
[Snoring]
This is such a treat.
I've always wanted to try soup,
but there's the fear of drowning.
[Snoring]
I really had fun.
- Are you gonna be okay?
- I'll be fine.
- You sure?
- Yeah.
Good night.
[Thudding Down Stairs]
% I can't get enough
of you, baby %
% I can't get enough
of you, baby %
% Yes, it's true %
% Yes, it's true %
% Whenever we kiss
I get to feelin'like this %
% I get to wishin'
that there were two of you %
-% [Continues]
- Come on. You can dance.
% Come on, baby
It feels so nice %
% I want your arms to %
% Wrap around me twice %
% I can't get enough
of you, baby %
% I can't get enough
of you, baby %
% Right or wrong %
% Hey, right or wrong %
-% I can't get enough of you, baby %
- Oh, Deuce.
- You look great.
- Thanks.
I want you
to meet my roommate.
Who's there?
Kate?
- I hear someone.
- It's just me and my friend.
Are you sure?
I hear three people.
You're the third person.
Oh.
Oh, okay.
[Whispering] She's newly blind.
She's still getting adjusted.
Bergita, this is Deuce.
I think there's something
wrong with Cassie.
Oh, honey.
This isn't Cassie.
Here she is.
[Meow]
Oh, there you are.
- It's nice to meet you.
- Hi.
Once you try it for the first time,
you're pretty happy with the results.
I've never met a hair transplant
technician before.
Oh, man, I forgot.
It's my dad's birthday.
- Let's go see him.
- He's working.
So?
What does he do?
He's in
the restaurant industry.
Kate, I'd like you
to meet my dad, Bob Bigalow.
Bob, Kate.
Hi.
Son, I'm very proud of you.
She is
a lovely young lady.
[Chuckles]
Thank you.
It's so nice to meet you.
Happy birthday.
- Thank you.
- Well, we should probably be going.
Deuce.
Dad probably has a lot
of paperwork to do, and--
No, the paper's
completely stocked.
I've got plenty of time
to get acquainted with the woman
who's made my boy so happy.
We got you a cake.
Deuce said it's your favorite.
- We had to go to
a Filipino bakery to get it.
- You didn't.
You did!
Raspberry bibingka.
Ah, you shouldn't have.
My wife,
God rest her soul,
use to make this
all the time.
You would've liked her.
Bangkok Betty.
She had the most amazing mouth.
It paid for our honeymoon.
We should probably
be going.
Deuce, it's your dad's birthday.
Hi. Bob, we have an overflowing toilet
in the ladies' bathroom.
There is shit everywhere.
It's a real mess.
- You think you could
take care of that for me?
- No worries, Vic. Right on it.
- I'd like you to meet
my son's girlfriend Kate.
- Kate, nice to meet you.
- You, too.
- Hi, Deuce.
So could you
get in there, Bob?
I got a party of ten coming in,
and I am up to my ankles in human crap.
It's a real stinkfest
back there.
Sure.
Looks like I'd better
get back to work.
It's a pleasure
meeting you, dear.
Warms my heart
Just being in your presence.
Thank you.
See you, son.
See, my dad's one of those guys,
he likes to be involved
in every facet of the business.
- It's okay.
- No problem to small or big.
They come to him for everything.
Deuce, it's all right.
It's not his restaurant.
My dad's not even a waiter.
He's the men's room attendant.
I'm sorry.
Don't be silly.
You know
what my dad does?
He's an aeronautical
engineer.
[Water Sloshing]
Bob?
[Chuckles]
Wanna blow out
your candle?
[Chuckles]
Mmm, now that's
good bibingka.
I had a really
nice time tonight.
I find that
hard to believe.
I've never met
anyone like you.
Good.
I have to see you
again.
When we go inside, try to be quiet
so we don't wake up Bergita.
% With you I'm not shy %
% To show the way I feel %
% With you I might try %
% My secrets to reveal %
% For you are a magnet %
% And I am steel %
Why don't I get
the light?
Hang on. I'll be right back.
Be right back.
[Meows]
% Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh %
You are good.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Are you all right?
I need you to be
okay with something.
What? I'm okay
with everything.
Deuce.
There may be things
about me that you don't like.
I like everything
about you.
I mean, physically.
So you're taller than me.
Big deal. I'll get over it.
It's not that.
What?
If you were to find out
something about me...
and my body that was
maybe a little different...
than what you were used to,
would that be okay?
There could be nothing
on your body that I wouldn't like.
What are you
talking about?
What do you got, like, six toes
or something? I can live with that.
Deuce, I have to tell you,
- I have a--
- Shh.
[Giggles]
[Gasps]
Oh, my God. I'm sorry!
- I tried to tell you.
- No, it's my fault.
I shouldn't have
pulled it so hard.
If you want to leave,
I completely understand.
I don't want to leave.
I'm sorry I had that reaction.
I just-- I got a lot of things
going on in my life recently,
and they all sort of culminated
when your leg fell off--
came off--
disconnected--
- Just get out!
- Oh, my God!
Please leave.
Kate!
I'm sorry!
[Sobbing]
Just go home.
Don't I have
a say in this?
Hand me my leg.
- Then will you come out and talk?
- I don't know.
[Click]
Are you sure
you want to stay?
Yes, but only if
you come out of there.
I need to know how you feel
about all this.
The same as I did
an hour ago,
when I thought to myself,
"I'm the luckiest guy in the world...
to be with her leg--
with you."
[Squeaking]
Ow-w-w!
Is this normal?
My face is numb.
It's perfectly normal
in hair replacement surgery.
The local anesthetic has numbed
the major nerves in your face,
Just like at the dentist.
-[Pounding]
- Ow-w-w-w!
You're Kate's best friends, and I know
your opinions mean a lot to her.
And... I'd like to get
really serious with her.
- You're a prostitute!
- Not anymore.
And it's "man-whore".
Anyway, I just quit.
I mean, Kate's the one for me.
Listen, you were only supposed to
go out with her one night,
show her a good time, and then
get the hell out of her life.
- You know she's not normal.
- She's not like other girls.
You know what her problem is?
Friends like you.
She's perfect.
She's kind,
she's sweet, she's funny,
and she likes me.
Now I came here
to give you your money back--
the money you paid a stranger
to have sex with your friend.
Hey! You stay away
from her, man-whore!
Hiya, Deuce. Your three days
are up, lover boy.
- So where's Antoine's black book?
- I've looked everywhere.
Listen, punk, you are aiding
and abetting a known criminal.
Do the initials T and J mean
anything to you?
Uh, turkey jizz?
I don't--
You better show some respect, or I'm
gonna rip that pleasure-giving
tongue out of your head!
- [Zipper Unzips]
- One more thing.
I was at the precinct, and I
really had to use the john,
and it's pretty filthy in there
and I was in kind of a hurry...
and I didn't have time to use one of
those, you know, paper ass gaskets.
I was doin' my business, and something
sort of splashed up on me, all over.
What do you do in situations like that?
You think I'll be all right?
- I think you're pretty safe.
- I better be!
- % [Funk]
-[TJ.] Ugly is not
a problem for this guy.
My man would stick his dick
in a he-monkey.
All right.
I'll catch you later.
What up, Deucey?
[Sighs] You should know,
that cop won't leave me alone.
- % [Off]
- What about the cop?
- He's been asking questions.
- Goddamn white boy.
Anyway, it doesn't matter
to me anymore. I'm quitting.
What about
Antoine's apartment?
I'm gonna get the rest of the money
the old-fashioned way.
You gonna steal it?
See ya, T.J.
I just quit!
I'm never doing it again!
- You lied to me!
- Listen, please.
It's not what you think.
You were paid
to go out with me!
[Sobbing]
- You want breakfast?
- Kate!
Please go away!
I don't want to see you again!
Me neither.
I'm sorry.
[Snarls]
% I feel sad
when you're sad %
% I feel glad
when you're glad %
% And if you only knew
what I'm goin' through %
% I just can't smile %
% With out you %
[Shattering]
% You came along
just like a song %
% And brightened my day %
% Who'd have believed
you were part of a dream %
% And now it all seems
a light year away %
% And you know
I can't smile with out you %
% I can't smile
without you %
% I can't laugh
I can't sing %
% I'm findin' it hard
to do anything %
I'm 1,500 short.
Isn't there anything else you can do?
Listen, I came all over the place--
down from six grand.
This is a custom
hand job.
- Let me pay you monthly.
- The last time I didn't
get the money up front,
- I got the big stiffie.
- [Rings]
- Hello?
- [Antoine] What the hell are
you doing picking up my phone?
- I found the coral you wanted.
- If you are doing anything I
disapprove of, I will kill you!
- Hola, senor. Noyo tengo.
No habla Ingles.
- [Antoine Chattering]
- Murder! I will kill you!
- Hasta luego.
[Rings, Beeps]
[On Answering Machine]
Hey, Antoine. It's Elaine.
I really need
to see you again.
Same price, same place?
I'll have the money.
Hi. Um, this isn't
Antoine,
but, uh, maybe we
can work something out.
Hi.
I'm Deuce.
- Stop.
- Why?
- You don't want to have sex.
- Yes, I do.
I think we both do.
Don't you find me
attractive?
Are you kidding? You're one of
the hottest women I've ever seen.
Easy, easy.
I just can't do this.
I'm head over heels
for a girl,
and we're going through a rough time,
me being a man-whore and all.
But I know it's gonna work out,
because I love her.
Well, she's a lucky girl.
At least emotionally.
My guy used
to be like that.
Hey.
Hang in there.
Things have a way
of working out.
Hey.
Where you goin'?
Well, I thought we talked
and you understood.
I understand. But the fact is,
I still paid for your services.
What did you have
in mind?
% ["Get Down Tonight"]
% Baby, let's get together %
% Honey, hon
me and you %
% And do the things
Ah %
% Do the things %
% That we like to do %
% Oh, do a little dance %
% Make a little love
Get down tonight %
% Get down tonight %
% Do a little dance %
% Make a little love
Get down tonight %
% Get down tonight, baby
Get down, get down %
% Get down, get down %
-% Get down tonight, baby %
- Aah!
% Woo, woo, woo, woo
woo, woo, woo, woo, woo %
% Get down, get down
get down, get down %
% Get down tonight, baby %
- I'm just exhausted.
- Oh, God, you were amazing.
Are you kidding?
[Elevator Doors Shut]
I just had to see
for myself.
Oof! Oh!
-[Groaning]
- Kate!
% I'm not in love %
% I'm not in love %
Ohh!
- What?
- How's Elaine?
You know, your wife.
Bastard!
This wasn't about
some black book.
Your wife was a customer
of Antoine's, wasn't she?
That son of a bitch is goin' down.
And you're gonna join him!
How's that gonna fix
your marriage?
Look, I lost someone
that I love too.
You know why
she did this?
You wanna know why
she went outside our marriage?
It's because
of my dick, man.
I mean, that's the reason.
It's my dick.
Take it easy.
You're saying your wife cheated on you
because your penis is too small?
It's not too small. It's too thin,
okay? My dick is too thin.
- I've got a thin dick!
- Can you keep it down?
- I'd like to come back here someday.
- Everybody knows...
that it's width, width that
gives sexual gratification.
I've read it.
Cosmo, Redbook, you name it.
What am I supposed to do? I've got
the thinnest penis in the world! Here.
- It's like a Twizzler. Look!
- No, no, stop that.
Sit down!
Sit!
It's not your dick.
It's you.
I'm telling you now,
if you painted it silver...
and twisted it on the end,
it'd look like a kickstand.
If man-whoring
has taught me anything,
it's that most women are as unhappy
with their entire body...
as you are
with your small penis.
- Thin penis.
- Whatever.
- While you're worried about your penis,
- Thin penis.
women are worried
about their height,
their weight,
their giant feet,
the stream of obscenities that could
burst through their mouth at any second.
If you make a woman
feel good about herself,
it really doesn't matter
what's wrong with you.
Even if it's
really, really thin?
We're talkin'
spaghetti stick.
Tell you what.
Every time you're feeling self-conscious
about your thin dick,
say something nice to make
your woman feel sexy.
I mean, is that it?
I mean, is that all there is?
There is
one other thing.
% Do a little dance
Make a little love %
% Get down tonight %
% Get down tonight %
% Do a little dance
Make a little love %
% Get down tonight
Get down tonight %
Uh, yes, sir.
Um, you're sure there isn't
anything you can do?
Yes, sir.
I understand.
Listen.
I really appreciate you helping me.
I guess
I misjudged you.
Anyway, I got you
off the hook.
Why am I still worried?
You got to give them T.J.
- I can't do that!
- You got no choice.
I've been workin'
on this case for three months.
- Boss says somebody's
got to be arrested.
- But T.J.'s my friend.
They're serious, Deuce.
Look, I don't like it,
but it's either you or him.
Your Honor, sex for money
is morally reprehensible.
Mr. Bigalow has compounded this crime
by refusing to name his he-pimp.
Therefore, we ask for
the maximum term...
for each of the five counts
of prostitution.
[Loud Thudding, Rumbling]
[Burps, Sighs]
Excuse me.
We never had sex.
We talked about it.
Well, I talked about it.
But Deuce never took advantage of me.
He should have.
But he's my friend.
He made me realize that I wasn't
just some hot babe with huge tits.
Even though I am.
Oh, and he also
got me walkin' again.
Deuce and I
never had sex.
- It was physically impossible.
-[Man #1] Freak!
It's true I paid him money
to be with him,
and I'd do it again because he made me
feel good about myself.
Behemoth.
[Coughs]
And no one ever
touched my feet before.
[Man #2] That's a huge bitch!
Deuce taught me to be
comfortable with who I am.
Thank you, Deuce.
Y-- Asshole!
These are very serious
charges, Mr. Bigalow.
I just have one question
to ask you.
During your entire stint as a he-whore,
did you have sex with anyone?
- Yes, Your Honor.
- [Spectators Gasp]
Just one woman.
- And I'm in love with her.
- [All Gasping]
Order!
[Banging Gavel]
Order, please.
This is very important,
Mr. Bigalow.
Did she pay you for sex?
No.
Case dismissed.
[All Cheering]
Yes!
These shots will deaden
the nerve area...
where your hair transplants
will be.
There.
That should do it.
Nurse, would you please
remove our donor hair.
I'll be back
in a minute.
Mr. Johnson, please
Just lie back down now.
Oh, my God.
Deuce!
Kate, listen to me.
What are you
doing here?
It's the only way
I could get you to see me.
Deuce, it's over
between us.
[Grunting]
Listen,
those shots
hurt like hell.
Could you at least
hear me out?
Well, I don't know how much you charge
by the hour, but you have one minute.
Okay.
I deserved that.
I should've told you
right from the start,
but I was afraid.
Afraid of what?
Afraid that a girl
as wonderful as you...
could never fall for a guy
who cleans fish tanks.
'Cause that's who
I really am.
This whole gigolo thing
was just a mistake.
But I'm glad
it happened...
'cause I never
would have met you.
I never would have known
what love was.
I'm sorry.
I'm not perfect.
[Sighs]
I'm not perfect either.
Yes, you are.
You're perfect in every way.
I knew it
the moment I met you.
Kate.
"You have a smile
that could melt an iceberg"
"Your lips
are as sweet as honey"
"You may only have
one leg,
but it's the most beautiful
leg in the world."
Are you kissing me?
'Cause I can't feel a thing.
[Laughing]
[Woman On P.A.] Now boarding
at gate 53.
Flight 14 to Sydney, Australia
is now boarding--
I've never done this
in 12 hours before.
I'm not responsible
if the seals leak.
Shit!
S-Shit cabinet!
[Snoring]
Come on, put the fish
in the tank already.
Antoine's plane landed
I think
we're gonna be okay.
Could you step this way,
please?
Is it time to put
the big guy in yet?
[Sighs] Give him another minute.
Temperature's not right.
Spread them again, please.
[Deuce] Okay, we can put
the last fish in.
Looks like
you pulled it off, kid.
[Bergita] Time for some tequila!
[Blender Whirring]
[Whirring Stops]
Margaritas, anybody?
[Panting] I need... Chinese...
tailbar... lionfish.
- 700, 800.
- Where'd you get all that money?
- Friends.
- Yeah, right.
Anything else?
On second thought, you'd better give me
some of those sea snails.
So, uh,
how was your trip?
Very good...
till about three hours ago.
Yeah?
What happened?
I don't wanna talk
about it.
The place looks good.
Good to be home.
I should take off
so you can relax.
Is there something
you're not telling me?
Yeah.
I put your mail on the nightstand.
[Clears Throat]
Right.
What the hell is this?
A chocolate margarita.
You've been having
a party?
It was, uh, more like, uh,
a welcome-home thing, really.
I could really use one
right now.
[Slurping]
Spicy.
- I should probably go.
- My fish.
They look smaller.
Sometimes
when they're, uh, sick,
they'll shrink.
Hey, fishy, fishy,
fishy, fishy.
Hey, fishy, fishy, fishy,
fishy, fishy, fishy.
-[Tapping On Glass]
- Hey, fishy, fishy, fishy, fishy.
[Glass Cracking]
I did man-whore for a little bit,
but none of your clients.
None of them.
I know an aquarium guy
who can fix all of this.
- He's a little expensive--
- Hah!
Deuce!
[Yelling, Grunting]
No!
[Grunts]
- Deuce!
- No!
[Gasps]
[Gasping]
-[Extracts Arrow]
- [Groans]
Ohh.
[Sighs]
Hey! Tough guy.
What do you think of this?
You're busted.
What's goin' on
out here?
I can see!
You're black.
I knew it.
[Giggles]
% Love %
% Is what I want %
% Whoa, yeah %
% And all you gotta do
is bring it to me, baby %
% Talk %
% Is what I want %
-% What I want %
-% Whoa, yeah %
% What I want %
% And all you gotta do
is bring it to me, baby %
-% Talk %
-% Come on let's talk about it %
-% Talk %
-% Can't seem to do without it %
-% Talk %
-% Don't wanna be %
% One of the broken-hearted %
% So lift me up
Finish what you started %
% Take me off for a ride %
% Lift me up
from the broken-hearted %
% Rivers deep and wide %
% Lift me up %
% Take me off for a ride %
% Lift me up
from the broken-hearted %
% Rivers deep and wide %
% Color me
your color, baby %
% Color me your car %
% Color me
your color, darling %
% I know who you are %
% Come up
off your color chart %
% I know where
you're coming from %
% Call me for a ride %
% Call me, call me
any, any time %
% Call me, my love %
% You can call me
any day or night %
% Call me %
% Cover me with kisses
baby %
% Cover me with love %
% Roll me
in designer sheets %
% I'll never get enough %
% Emotions come
I don't know why %
% Cover up love's alibi %
% Call me for a ride %
% Call me, call me
any, any time %
% Call me, my love %
% When you're ready
we can share the wine %
% Call me %
% Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh %
% He speaks
the languages of love %
% Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh
amore, chiamami %
% Chiamami %
% Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh %
% Appelle-moi, mon cherie
Appelle-moi %
% Anytime, anyplace %
% Anywhere, anyway %
% Anytime, anyplace
Anywhere, anyday %
% Any way %
% Call me, my love %
% Call me, call me
any, any time %
% Call me for a ride %
% Call me, call me
for some overtime %
% Call me, my love %
% Call me, call me
in a sweet design %
% Call me, ohhh-ohh %
% Call me, call me
call me anytime %
% Call me, call me %
% For your lover's lover's
alibi %
% Call me on the line %
% Call me, call me
any, any time %
% Call me, call me %
% Just call me, call me
call me, call me, call me %
% Call me, call me
call me, call me, call me %
% Call me, call me
call me, call me, call me %