Dirty Movie (2011) Movie Script

Give us your tired, your poor,
your huddled masses
yearning to breathe free-
and looking for
a government handout,
a free lunch
and a dental plan too-
the wretched refuse
of your teeming shore,
your unwashed yellows and browns
and all colors in between,
Jews and gentiles,
Muslims and Hindus
and anyone else
with funny hats,
and we will make fun of them.
And now the white ladies.
Gosh, Nancy,
I just don't know what to do.
What's the matter, Sue?
Last week a man moved
into the house next door,
and he's African-American.
But when we were introduced,
I wasn't overcome with feelings
of rage or animal fear.
Gee, Sue, sounds like you've met
a non-threatening black man.
A non-threatening black man?
What's that?
A male Negro
who fails to trigger
the customary fight-or-flight response
in Caucasian women
due to his nonspecific physical
and socio-cultural attributes,
like Al Roker or Bryant Gumbel.
But if he's a non-threatening black man,
why isn't he a newscaster?
Oh, Sue, not every non-threatening
black man is a newscaster.
Some of them work
in advertising and politics.
Is that allowed?
In some states.
Gosh, this is all so confusing.
What should I do?
Move. He may be
non-threatening to you,
but your property values
won't know the difference.
You're right. I'll go home
and start packing right away.
But what'll I tell the kids?
Tell them to fear people
who are different.
Thanks, Nancy.
What would I do
without you?
And now please join us
in the singing
of our national anthem,
performed today
by international recording artist
and fourth runner-up
in the Miss Newark beauty pageant
Miss Tarnishe D'Silver.
Oh say
Can you
By the dawn's
Light light
The dawn's so
fucking early in the morning
The dawn is
too fucking early
In the morning
And this light, this light...
Bom bom bom
Dip-dip dee bom bom bom
dee bom bom bom
Dip-dip dee bom
Wah wah wah ooh
Bom bom bom
Dip-dip dee bom bom bom
dee bom bom bom
Dip-dip dee bom
Wah wah wah ooh
Bom bom bom
dee bom bom bom
Dip-dip dee bom bom bom
Dip-dip dee bom
Wah wah wah ooh
Bom bom bom
dee bom bom bom
Dip-dip dee bom bom bom
Dip-dip dee bom
Wah wah wah ooh.
Well now, mister,
are you ready to behave yourself
like a good little boy
and join the rest of the class?
Well, I'm ready,
but can I ask you a question?
Yes, Charlie.
What is it?
What does a priest get
when he wants pussy?
Nun. Get it?
Shit! Fuck!
Jesus! Ah, Christ!
Ass rape! Help!
I said quit it, you dyke!
Young man, one day
you're going to
wind up in prison
on your way to hell!
Ill show 'em.
Ill show 'em all.
One day Im gonna
make a movie
with nothing but...
A whole movie-
nothing but jokes.
I don't follow.
Look, you guys used
to be big- huge.
You went national,
lampooning everything in sight.
Before your "Saturday Night Live,"
your Comedy Central,
it was your guys' name
synonymous with funny.
Better times.
Well, this is
how you get it back.
You forget all this
new media, viral video shit
and you get back to the funny.
Jokes are funny.
- Just jokes?
- Dirty jokes.
You want to make an entire movie out
of just dirty jokes?
- You got it.
- Just one after another?
- That's right.
- But that's not a movie.
I could be.
Look at "The Aristocrats. "
"The Aristocrats"
got a lot of heat.
Maybe we should do
something like that.
Yeah, but "The Aristocrats"
is a movie about a joke.
Right, so this will be
even better.
What if we did a 90-minute
live-action "Aristocrats"?
I love it. It pops.
Did you actually see
"The Aristocrats"?
- No.
- It's a joke about a family
that sodomizes their children
and defecates all over each other.
You think it's not a good idea?
A boy fucking his mom
while her husband
is humping their
golden retriever in the ass?
How would we even
shoot that?
- Do a lot of it in editing.
- Sure, stock footage.
Okay, so how are
we gonna film a guy
shitting into
his daughter's mouth?
Well, we're still
gonna need a star.
Real or CGI?
'Cause what star is gonna shit
in a little girl's mouth?
It would prove he's not gay.
He's not gonna
do that on camera.
He doesn't work
with animals anyway.
True true. Forget it.
No "Aristocrats. "
But Im not sure
that a dirty-joke movie
is sending our brand in the direction
I think we should be heading.
Are we talking about sick,
mind-numbing depravity,
gratuitous nudity
and cheap sex?
If we do it right.
Look, tits alone aren't
gonna do it anymore.
But tits plus funny
is box-office gold.
Jokes are funny.
So you get tits with jokes-
we're rolling.
Lawyer jokes,
doctor jokes, blonde jokes?
Midget jokes,
dead baby jokes.
No no no no no,
no dead baby jokes.
Okay, maybe
no dead baby jokes.
What about racist jokes?
Oh, that could get
a little touchy.
- There's a way to do it.
- How?
A racist joke's only racist
depending on who's telling it.
We could get one of your minorities
to tell the racist joke.
Could we have racist jokes
with the word nig-
the N-word?
No way, huh-uh.
Its out of the question.
These days if you make a racial slur
in public, you know what they do?
They send you to rehab.
And I am not going back to rehab.
- Come on.
- No, he's right.
You know, I mean,
that's a bridge too far even for us.
So how would this work?
Look, hey, guys, it's simple.
A guy walks into a bar,
sees the bartender-
a beautiful woman-
says to her,
"Give me five shots of whisky. "
She pulls up the glasses,
lays them down on the bar,
starts pouring-
one, two, three, four, five.
He's slamming them back
as fast as he can.
The bartender says,
"Celebrating something?"
He goes,
"My first blowjob. "
The bartender says,
"In that case, let me buy you a beer. "
He goes, "No thanks.
If this doesn't kill
the taste, nothing will. "
There's your movie.
But that's not a movie.
Uh! Uh!
Yes! Yes!
Oh baby.
Oh, that was good.
Oh, I really-
I really gotta go now.
Oh no, don't go
to work, baby.
Let's go again, huh?
No, I've really gotta go to work.
Oh please?
One more time.
Oh, that's them. Hold on.
Shh, be quiet.
This is Donovan.
Where the fuck are you?
Im sorry.
I can't come in to work today.
Im sick.
You're sick? You don't sound sick.
How sick are you?
Well, right now
Im fucking my sister.
I'd love to get in your pants.
That's disgusting.
Why would you say that?
'Cause I just took
a big shit in mine.
Oh, this guy is fucked.
Emergency room.
Doctor, doctor,
I don't know what to do.
My wife is going into labor
and her contractions
are coming really fast.
Okay, is this
her first child?
No, this is her husband.
I wish that was
Britney Spears's ass.
I wish that was
Paris Hilton's ass.
I just wish it was dark.
Good meeting, boys. Hey listen, kid,
you go work on those storyboards.
- You come with me.
- Okay.
That guy doesn't really
seem to get it.
Are you sure he's the right person
to direct this thing?
He's non-union.
Oh, say no more.
He's perfect.
All right, so we'll set you up
in a production office
- down near the receptionist.
- I didn't see the receptionist.
She died in
the World Trade Center.
- Oh, on 9/11?
- No.
We're gonna need
some real comedy chops on this.
And you know who
we should get to write it?
- No.
- My son.
Oh sure, a trained monkey
could write this script.
And not ask for residuals.
Your only obstacle is
getting it past this board.
- Leave it to me.
- Hey!
Save your attitude, okay?
These people have been
running the comedy business
since Richard Pryor
was in short pants.
And you don't get
in that kind of position
unless you're a bunch of ruthless,
cantankerous sons of bitches.
If they smell fear,
they'll rip off your balls
and shit on your children.
I don't have children.
Just watch yourself.
Give me my smokes,
you fucking bandit.
You said it.
Don't make any sudden moves.
What's that?
- God damn it, stupid fucking-
- I made a stinky.
My God.
- G-51.
- Bingo.
You cocksucker.
I fucked your mother!
Yes, you did.
Take your medication, Dad, huh?
- May I have your attention, please?
- Bingo.
- I want my 45 back, you motherfucker.
- Ladies and gentlemen.
- Can I have your attention?
- That's bullshit.
Can I- can I have your attention?
It is my pleasure
to tell you about our new venture
in feature filmmaking.
We're going to make a movie
that is going to take this company
right back to its roots.
You're on.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
And first off,
may I say what an honor-
Uh, now this feature
that I am proposing
- is a film made up...
- Help me.
...entirely of jokes.
What's the story?
Good question.
There is no story.
Its jokes acted out.
Just jokes?
You mean, like knock-knock jokes?
Not exactly. These jokes are
gonna be a little edgier.
Like the chicken-crossed-the-road jokes.
Yes and no.
A little more "no" than that but-
Well, I think there ought
to be whore jokes.
What's the difference between
an onion and a dead whore?
I cried when
I cut up the onion.
- Okay.
- Very good, Eleanor.
Why was there
4000 Mexicans at the Alamo?
They only had three cars.
What's the difference
between a homo
and a refrigerator?
A refrigerator don't fart
when you pull out the meat.
- That it?
- I think we're done here.
Im so gonna lose my license.
Why is that?
I fucked three of my patients.
Oh, who cares?
My brother is a doctor.
He sleeps with patients all the time.
Yeah, but is he a veterinarian?
Hey, birthday boy.
Your friends hired me
to come over here
and give you some
hot super sex.
Ill take the soup.
What's the difference
between a priest
and acne?
Acne doesn't come
on your face till you're 12.
Fuck you, freak!
Oh hey, cheap trick.
I told you, keep that on the corner.
Don't bring it in here.
All I want is a drink.
What the hell?
Its a slow night anyway.
Tell me about it.
You can pay for this?
Why don't you take it out of this?
Got anything smaller?
Excuse me,
Im looking for a big-time
Hollywood producer.
Morty, my main man!
Get over here, you big shit.
Come on, hug.
A big big hug.
That's a hug,
all right. Let go.
- How are you doing, bubi?
- Oh, can't complain.
You know, getting settled in,
a little tight.
Hey, no worries.
Wait a minute,
you did something.
There's something different.
What did you do?
I don't know.
What did I do?
Oh wow, that's some
beautiful work.
- $89.99.
- That's a great deal.
Yeah, he owed me.
Have a seat.
So they went for it, huh?
Yeah, shimmy in just a bit.
Hit the button right there.
Yeah, can you believe it?
Yeah, go figure.
And how does this one go?
Nothing but riddles?
- Jokes.
- Jokes, yes, jokes.
- So?
- So I have an investor.
Oh, beauteous!
Yeah, a great guy too.
I know him from temple-
real respectable, upstanding,
a real family man.
He sponsors
my kid's soccer team.
Oh, a nice guy.
What's he do?
He owns those jerk-off booths
over on Eighth Avenue.
Nice. So he can put up
the whole nut?
- People like to jerk off.
- Okay.
He's in, but he does have
one condition.
Oh dang it.
What, girlfriend an actress?
Nah nah, when I told him
it was a joke movie,
he said for his money he wants us
to make fun of the muklehs.
He wants Arab jokes?
Yeah, they're dirty,
they ride camels, so forth.
"Ride camels. "
Consider it done.
Here you go.
Oh, thank you, sir.
You are welcome.
So what stars
do you have for this movie?
A little too early to tell,
but we're talking
to Clooney's people, Matt Damon.
Hey, we just got a call.
Piscopo's out.
Joe Piscopo's out?
- Who's Joe Piscopo?
- Exactly.
where do babies come from?
Well, babies-
they come from the stork.
Who fucks the stork?
Hello. Pardon me.
Im afraid Im lost, you see.
- Who are you?
- Im looking for the Hopkins Inn.
You with the government?
No no, Lord no.
Im from London actually.
Shit, you a long way
from home, boy.
What you do up in England?
Oh, Im a taxidermist.
A taxi-what?
A taxidermist.
What's that mean?
It means I mount dead animals.
Its okay, boys.
He's one of us.
Why can't Arab children take
driver's ed and sex ed
on the same day?
Their camels get too tired.
Its the damnedest thing, Doc.
Ive lost all hearing
on my right side.
I think I found the problem.
You had a suppository
in your ear.
I guess I know
where my hearing aid is.
Your battery is low.
Your battery is low!
Dad, you wanted to see me?
Yeah, come in.
Close the door.
You know that movie
we're doing?
Look, it's just like
those e-mails
you send me all the time,
so I want you to write it.
But Ive never written
a movie before.
So? Before last year
you'd never written
a novelty t-shirt before.
Look what a good job
you did with those.
I still haven't
gotten paid for these.
Oh yeah?
Well, we'll look into it.
Right now we need some
dirty, filthy jokes.
How dirty? I mean, can we even
find actors willing to do that stuff?
Actors are whores.
That's one of the founding
principles of this business.
One time in Nashville I got an actor
to jerk off on an oatmeal cookie.
On camera?
No, but that's not the point.
The point is they want
to be in a hit.
And if this movie is
half as good as your t-shirts,
we're gonna be on top again.
Here, take this.
- How's your mother?
- They had to amputate.
Give her my love.
Are you the manager?
Actually, no.
Can you get him for me?
Well, he's not here right now.
Is there anything
that I could do for you?
Can you give him
a message for me?
What message
should I give him?
Tell him...
there's no toilet paper
in the ladies' room.
What do a gynecologist
and a pizza boy
have in common?
They can smell it,
but they can't eat it.
Hey, Freddy taught me
some cool new swears.
Check this out.
What do you want
for breakfast, Johnny?
Fix me up some
motherfucking pancakes, bitch.
You don't talk to me like that,
you little bastard!
Go to your room. Think about it.
You, what do you want?
I don't know,
but it sure as shit ain't pancakes.
Hi, Doc.
So how have you been?
Im sorry, do I know you?
Yes, you're the father
of one of my children.
Oh my God.
You're the stripper
that I fucked at my bachelor party
while your friend spanked me
and shoved
a cucumber up my ass.
No, Im your son's
English teacher.
How's your Yorkie?
Hold on.
I just wrote this one down.
How many Polacks
does it take
to screw in-
All righty,
now what was it?
I don't think you got
what I was saying in the script notes.
What were you saying?
What I was saying is
that if we just have
nothing but jokes
one after another,
there's no story.
Which of these is funnier?
- I don't care.
- Fair enough.
What I was saying is
that I don't think
anyone's gonna sit
through this entire movie
without a story.
That's all Im saying.
So what are you saying?
We have to find
a narrative-
a beginning, a middle
and an end.
So what if we take
all the characters
from the jokes-
the main characters
like the dumb blonde,
little Johnny,
the pedophile priest-
and we give them
a backstory?
Like what's-my-motivation
kind of shit?
Yeah, like maybe little Johnny spent
some time in foster care.
Or the dumb blonde used to be a guy,
and now she's gender-confused.
- Maybe.
- Fuck no! They're jokes-
setup, punch line,
onto the next one. Come on.
Look, even in a porno film
the guy shows up
with the pizza.
We know the girl
has ordered the pizza.
We know he is there
to deliver the pizza.
There is a story.
So you want the priest
to deliver a pizza?
Im confused.
You know what? Forget it.
- I guess a priest could deliver a pizza.
- Never mind.
Or a rabbi comes
to fix the cable.
- Forget I even brought it up.
- Suit yourself.
Other button.
Good boy.
A blue-ball joke.
Mr. Siguera.
Yeah, how is she, Doc?
I have good news
and I have bad news.
And the bad news is
the accident was very severe.
She has a ruptured esophagus,
so you're gonna have to feed her
through a tube daily.
- Okay.
- We had to amputate both her arms,
so you're gonna have to
help her in the bathroom
and pretty much wipe her ass
for the rest of her life.
Oh God.
There's gonna be a white milky discharge
coming from her vagina.
Don't worry.
Its normal but very pungent.
So make sure that you change
her diaper every three to four hours.
Oh God.
What's the good news?
Im just kidding. She's dead.
Hey, babe, you wanna fuck?
Oh, I have a gynecologist
appointment in the morning.
I can't.
Do you have
a dentist appointment?
So there we were
in Africa on safari
tracking a giant
man-eating lion for days.
Finally we made camp.
And that night,
just as I was falling asleep,
the lion tore into
my tent and roared-
I shit in my pants.
Oh. Well, that's okay.
If there was a lion in my tent,
I would have shit my pants too.
No, not then. Just now
when I went "Rarr-gh!"
I shit in my pants.
Did you hear about
the Polish girl
who dropped her gum
in the toilet?
She chewed the shit out of it.
Through the perilous
Everybody was
kung fu fighting
Pick up a bottle and hit her
Upside her head now
'Cause you're fine
Don't want to get
your pretty face messed up
I know I don't want to get
my pretty face messed up...
All right,
having our first audition,
making a movie,
having an audition.
- Mm-hmm.
- Did you call the actors?
The casting director does that.
Right right.
Having an open call,
a cattle call, as they say.
Come in, the first actor!
Give it to me.
What's the difference
between a pussy and a cunt?
A pussy is warm, wet
and feels awesome
on your cock,
and a cunt's the bitch
that owns it.
We'll give you a call.
What did one gay sperm
say to the other gay sperm?
"How am I gonna find the egg
through all this shit?"
You hear about the guy
who had five cocks?
A condom fit like a glove.
What do women and tornadoes
have in common?
They moan when they come
and they take the house when they leave.
- Thank you.
- He seemed fine.
Oh, trust me.
I know the funny.
How do you know
when your wife is really dead?
The sex is the same,
but the dishes start piling up.
What do you call
a vegetarian with diarrhea?
A salad shooter.
Next. Next. Next. Next.
What's round, long, hard
and has seamen in it?
A submarine.
- Thank you.
- Hey!
Let me, please.
You got something, kid.
I can feel the funny
flowing from you,
but you're just not letting it go.
You gotta share the funny,
draw us in with the funny,
seduce with the funny
that God gave you.
Take off your top.
This is funny.
All right,
now let it flow.
What's the difference between
a lawyer and a prostitute?
A prostitute stops fucking you
once you're dead.
Is that a boom mike in your pocket
or are you just glad to see me?
How does a hillbilly girl
know her mother is on the rag?
Her brother's dick
tastes really nasty.
Were we really that funny?
You were so funny,
I think I came.
- We'll call.
- Yay!
What did I tell you?
The funny- you could
smell it off 'em.
I think I smelled
something too.
- Whew.
- Excuse me.
I tell you, this auditioning thing
is exhausting. I need a nap.
- Excuse me.
- I think we still have a few actors left.
No no no, tell them the shop is closed,
come back tomorrow.
Hey, douche bags, Im not here
to listen to you ladies yak.
Who do I have to fuck
to get a part around here?
I think I just got
a second wind.
Hold all my calls.
- You don't have a phone.
- Right.
Morning. Welcome to
the Hopkins Inn.
A little hair of the dog
that bit ya?
Give me a drink-
anything but gin.
Oh, you're not
a gin guy, huh?
I hate that shit.
I drank a whole fifth of gin
last night and blew Chunks.
Oh buddy, you drink
a fifth of anything-
you're bound to blow chunks.
No, you don't understand.
Chunks is my dog.
A kid lost his gym shorts?
Yeah, a pair of boys' gym shorts.
These aren't boys' gym shorts.
These are girls' gym shorts.
No, they're not.
Its a pair of boys' gym shorts.
Look, Ive been doing this
for a long time.
I know a pair of girls'
gym shorts when I see 'em.
Well, then you know
that those are boys' gym shorts.
- You're wrong.
- Oh please, you're wrong.
Look, these are girls' gym shorts.
Its a pair of boys' gym shorts.
Hey hey hey,
what's the problem here?
He's put up a lost-and-found notice
for boys' gym shorts,
and they're obviously girls'.
Boys' gym shorts,
but not from my parish.
Where do you find
a one-legged dog?
Wherever you fucking left it.
Get ready for a long shift-
a pileup on the Major Deegan-
bus bringing 10 bodies.
Did you finish
that autopsy report
on the Jane Doe
we fished out of the river?
Yeah, blunt force
followed by asphyxiation.
Three days floating
in the Hudson didn't help either.
You wouldn't believe her clitoris-
like a dill pickle.
The other mortician goes,
"Eh, a little sour. "
Its a little-
"clitoris" is
a little strong for me.
Okay okay, how about this one?
Why did they bury
the dead homo face down?
In case his friends wanted
to drop by for a cold one.
No. God no.
Oh, I like that.
Put that on the board.
No, do not touch
that marker.
- Why not?
- Why not?
Look, we're not doing
straight necrophilia jokes,
so we're certainly not gonna do
gay necrophilia jokes.
You got a problem with gay jokes?
Put it on the board.
Do not touch that marker.
Why? Since when is
gender preference
any kind of factor
in fucking a corpse?
You say that like it's
from personal experience.
No, it's just that-
you don't like gay jokes, do you?
No, I-
gay jokes are fine.
I- I like gay jokes.
What are you talking about?
- How can you tell if you're at a gay picnic?
- How?
- All the hot dogs taste like shit.
- Ha!
That's not funny.
I don't have a problem. Its just not funny.
- Yes, it is. Yes, it is.
- No, it's not. No, it's not.
- You're gay, aren't you?
- No, Im n-
Ive got a wife and three kids.
No gay jokes.
Its cool.
I guess no Puerto Rican
jokes either.
Puerto Rican?
Im Jewish.
Wait, hold on, hold on,
I got one.
What do you call an open can of tuna
in a dyke's apartment?
See, now that's funny.
That is funny.
So we can make fun of
the carpet munchers but-
it's cool. I get it.
- Get what?
- Nothing.
That is a fabulous belt
you're wearing, by the way.
Oh, thank you-
I know what you're doing.
Dad, I think my gym teacher's gay.
Why do you say that?
Because he closes his eyes
when I kiss him.
I was so sorry to hear
about your wife.
We were all praying for her.
Thanks. Thanks so much.
At least she's not
suffering anymore.
She was in that coma
for so long.
I know.
Just when we thought
she might pull out of it-
They did everything
they could do.
And then the doctor said
some pleasurable stimulation
might bring her out of her coma.
He asked if she liked oral sex.
Boy, did she.
So he said
some really vigorous oral action
might take her out of her coma.
So I tried it.
What happened?
I don't know.
I think she choked.
Oh God,
Im so ashamed, man.
I know Im going to hell
for the things Ive done.
- Oh? What have you done?
- Fucked people's pets.
Oh, that'll get you in.
You are going straight to hell.
- How would you know?
- Im getting my theology degree.
- Really? Where?
- Online.
So what do they say
about hell?
Well, it's really not so bad.
Do you like to get high?
- Love it.
- Well, you're gonna love Mondays.
On Mondays
it's 420 all the time.
You can get as high as you want.
You can do as much drugs as you want.
You won't overdose
'cause you're already dead.
- Do you like to gamble?
- You bet.
Well, you will love Tuesdays,
'cause you can gamble
all you want and lose all your money.
'Cause you don't need money
in the afterlife.
No alimony.
- And are you gay?
- Fuck no, Im not gay.
Then you won't like
I love you, man.
I love you, man.
I just love you so much.
I wish I could love you that much.
Oh shit.
Oh fuck fuck fuck. My wife's gonna kill me.
Don't sweat it.
No no no, she's gonna
fucking kill me.
I promised her I wouldn't drink.
Now she's gonna
fucking divorce me.
No no, check this out.
This is what you do.
- Tell her-
- Cut.
Sorry. Im sorry.
This guy is awful.
The truth is,
my hands were tied.
He's the midget's brother.
It was a package deal.
- Why do we even need the midget?
- Oh, gotta have a midget.
Yes, but why do we
need that midget?
That midget, my friend-
oh, that midget-
you have no idea.
Like a mongoose,
a shaved little mongoose.
Thank you.
Do you know they make
special harnesses?
Please please please stop.
- Oh fuck.
- Oh my God.
Oh fuck fuck fuck.
My wife's gonna kill me.
"Don't sweat it. " Cut!
- Don't sw- sorry. Im sorry.
- That's all right.
You fucking asshole.
I knew you'd stay out
getting wasted with your friends.
Some guy got sick on my shirt
and he gave me 20 bucks
to get it cleaned.
Oh really?
What's the other 20 for?
That is from the guy
who took a shit in my pants.
Why don't women
in San Francisco wear miniskirts?
Because you'd see their balls.
I always knew you were crazy,
but now I see you're nuts.
Surprised, little boy?
- Hello, Father.
- Hello, Doctor.
Ive got good news
and Ive got bad news.
Okay, give me
the bad news first.
The bad news is
you have terminal cancer.
- Oh my God.
- It metastasized through your system
and there's nothing we can do.
So what's the good news?
You know the nurse that
brings you your medication?
- Yeah.
- Im fucking her.
Oh Lord.
Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.
Here's one for you-
what do you call a black hitchhiker?
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Why did God invent
the orgasm?
So black people would know
when to stop fucking.
Hey, tough crowd.
Hey, looky here,
I got another one for you.
Say, what's long and hard
on a black man?
Ha! Third grade. Get it?
Isn't he great?
What, you don't like him?
Look, we all agreed
the only safe way to tell a black joke
is to have a black person tell it.
Well, we couldn't find
a black person willing to do that.
Yeah, it's called self-respect.
Yeah, so I got to thinking about
all the great ventriloquist teams
of our times-
your Bergen and McCarthys,
your Simon and Garfunkels.
And it hits me-
you get a black puppet,
he'll be the one
telling the jokes.
And why the clansman?
Give us another.
What did the black lady get
when she had an abortion?
A $500 check
from Crime Stoppers.
Good night.
Try the chitlins.
Look at that.
You can't even see his lips move.
That's because
he's wearing a hood.
I know. Isnt it great?
Could you take
the hood off, please?
What the-
he's a goddamn Chinaman.
Hey hey! Hey.
A little sensitivity.
Wing Thai is no Chinaman.
He's a Singaporean.
That's a team player.
Did he just call me a limp dick?
Boys, would you look at that?
I wish I could do that.
I think you'd better
pet him first.
I fucked your mother.
Go home, Dad.
You're drunk.
You know what
you want there, fellas?
Yeah, Ill just have the hamburger.
And I will have the hot dog.
Sure thing. Coming up.
Be careful- a hot plate.
There you go.
Uh, why was my hamburger
under your arm?
I was keeping it
warm for you.
Let's cancel that hot dog.
Wrong names.
Wrong. Wrong.
Hey, Teach, you got a light?
Johnny, when did you
start smoking?
The first time I got laid.
When was that?
I don't remember.
I was drunk.
Hello, son.
How you doing?
Im doing good.
How is your rotation?
Have you decided on a specialty yet?
I think Im gonna go
into gynecology.
Why gynecology?
I hear there's lots of openings.
Excuse me,
may I ask you a question?
Yeah, sure.
If you woke up
at the top of a mountain
in the middle of a snowdrift
with a black eye
and a stinging pain
in your rectum,
would you tell anyone?
Fuck no.
Would you like
to go skiing?
Hey, babe,
how about tonight?
You wanna fuck?
I have a follow-up visit
with the gynecologist.
Are you seeing
the proctologist?
What do you have for me?
And please give me something we can use.
Okay okay,
how about this?
What do you get
when you take a baby-
Eh eh eh! I said
no dead baby jokes.
- But it's not a dead baby joke.
- Save it.
- Its not- it's not a dead baby joke.
- Uh-huh.
Its not. Its alive.
The baby- when you do the thing
with the baby,
it's alive.
You're a sick fuck.
No, Im not.
Listen to this.
- What do you get when you take a baby-
- I don't want to hear it.
- What do you get when you take a baby-
- No, stop.
Im not listening.
Im not li- la-la la-la la!
La la la la la la la la la la la!
La la la la
la la la la la la la!
He's right. Its not dead.
I don't want to hear it!
I don't want to know!
- I don't want to hear it!
- But it's really funny.
I don't care.
We are filming this.
How are you gonna film
a dead baby joke?
A stunt baby?
You just don't understand funny.
Dead baby jokes are not funny.
- But it's not dead.
- Drop it!
Its not a dead baby joke.
I heard that.
You really think a baby
could survive that?
So I told her,
"Ass, gas or grass, bitch.
Nobody rides for free. "
Hey, Brian.
Do I know you?
Um, it's Blair, remember?
I met you here
at the toga party.
We went up to your room, remember?
You told me
I was a good sport.
Hey, Blair baby,
how are you doing?
Well, Im pregnant...
Oh shit.
...and I think
Im gonna kill myself.
Wow, you really are
a good sport.
May I ask you a question?
If you woke up
in the middle of the woods
with your pants
around your ankles
and Vaseline smeared
all over your ass,
would you tell anyone?
Fuck no.
Would you like
to go camping?
What's the difference
between erotic and kinky?
you use a feather.
Kinky- you use
the whole chicken.
You see, honey,
this is the pig that I fuck
when you have a headache.
You idiot,
that's a chicken, not a pig.
I wasn't talking to you.
What the fuck?
What do you mean, you have no money?
I got the board
to sign off on this.
Im sorry, Im sorry.
Its my guy with the jerk-off emporium.
He's having some liquidity issues.
What the hell does that mean?
He's been sent to federal prison.
Oh Jesus.
Actually no. It turns out
his jerk-off booths weren't
What the fuck? I can't get in here.
The Supreme Court ruling
came down yesterday-
"Harrison vs. Ladyfingers. "
A five-to-four ruling.
Clarence Thomas was
the deciding vote.
Go figure.
Well, where does that leave us?
We always got plan B.
Its not the lowest we've sunk.
Okay, Morty,
thanks for dropping by.
Thanks for the news.
Get out of here. We'll call.
Okay, I can fix it with the jerk-off king.
I just need a day or two.
We're fine.
Ill call you. Ill call you.
Can I talk to you guys
for a second?
- We're kind of in the middle of something.
- Its pretty urgent.
Ive been doing the projections
and we don't have enough money
- to finish the shoot.
- How bad is it?
For starters, we have to pull
all the midget jokes.
You fucking asshole.
Fucking asshole.
You little punch fucker.
Eh, they're uppity.
We don't need their attitude.
I loved that midget.
You fucked her.
Losing the midget is
gonna hurt us overseas.
What do you need?
Without the midget.
Im gonna need an extra $217.
that's not gonna happen.
Its gotta happen.
Ive cut every corner possible.
And all the sets are starting
to look vaguely familiar.
Stop worrying.
We thought this might come up.
What's this?
- Plan B.
- Market research.
- What for?
- To sell commercials.
- Commercials?
- Commercials.
- You want to sell commercials?
- Yeah.
- In a movie?
- Never been done.
Well, don't you think there's
a good reason for that?
Oh, they're not commercials exactly,
more like sponsorships.
You take the most expensive jokes
and you have them underwritten
by a corporate sponsor,
- like...
- PBS.
Right, so for instance
"This evening's violent
gay butt-rape joke
will be brought to you by the
American Musical Theater Association. "
- You got it.
- Exactly.
Yeah well, while you're at it,
all your black jokes can be paid for
with malt liquor ads.
Actually, that's what
the market research says.
I was kidding.
I have to be careful, you know.
Some of my best friends are black.
Okay, you're right.
They're not.
It'll be fine.
The commercials
will be done tastefully.
Seamlessly. The audience won't
even know it's happening.
When I was a boy,
growing up here
in the Smoky Mountains
of Tennessee,
my grandpa used to
take me trout fishing.
And every fishing trip we'd take,
he'd be sure to bring along
a can of Little Vienna Sausages.
'Cause Little Vienna Sausages
are more than just artificial gelatin
and leftover cattle feces.
They're a part of growing up.
Around lunchtime
Id go digging in his rucksack
and Id eat up the whole can.
Boy, it'd give me the shits
something terrible.
I guess I was just
too young to know better.
And Grandpa-
well, by that point
he was just too drunk to care.
We never did catch many fish,
but it didn't matter so much.
Thanks to my
Little Vienna Sausages,
Id usually be stuck on the toilet
by the time Grandpa started
ranting about Communism
and beating his woman.
Little Vienna Sausages.
Just a little taste of America.
Im telling you,
my guy's gonna come through.
Morty, look, Little Vienna Sausages
came through.
Between the commercials
and product placements, we're fine.
- So I can take the whole box?
- Please.
Look who's living large. So what are
you gonna do with all this money?
Are you gonna get
a big movie star for your movie?
I hear Rod Steiger's out of work.
Rod Steiger's dead.
Right, there you go.
How about Scott Baio?
- Fred Thompson?
- No.
Richard Gere.
Richard Gere? "An Officer
and a Gentleman" Richard Gere?
What the hell would he do
with racist bestiality joke movie?
I don't know. He might be into it.
- You've heard those stories about him.
- What stories?
- You know.
- Know what?
- He put Goebbels up his ass.
- He did what?
Goebbels- he put
Goebbels up his ass.
- Goebbels?
- Yeah.
Yeah, Goebbels-
the German guy.
- Joseph Goebbels?
- That's him.
- The Nazi minister of propaganda?
- That's him. That's the guy.
Richard Gere put
Joseph Goebbels up his ass?
- That's how they got him out of Germany.
- What?
- At the end of the war...
- Yeah?
- ... when they were smuggling
Goebbels to Argentina...
- Right.
- ... the only way to get Goebbels out
of Germany was
inside Richard Gere's ass.
Richard Gere?
The Richard Gere?
- The guy from "Pretty Woman"?
- The very same.
Went from Berlin to Buenos Aires
with Joseph Goebbels up his ass?
I know.
Ain't it crazy?
- You know? What do you know?
- Everybody knows.
- He wasn't even around then.
- When?
- At the same time as Goebbels.
- Says who?
Says nobody.
He hadn't been born yet.
Then let me ask you,
why would my uncle make all this up?
- Your uncle?
- My uncle.
What's your uncle
got to do with it?
- He worked at the hospital.
- What hospital?
The hospital where they
had to remove Goebbels.
- What?
- He got stuck.
- Oh, stop it.
- Yeah.
- Come on.
- Im telling you.
He put Goebbels up there
and then he couldn't get him out.
You're telling me
Richard Gere had Goebbels...
- Yeah.
- ... jammed so far up there,
he couldn't get him out
without the help
- of major surgery?
- That is correct.
- Oh please!
- Im telling you.
- He's a devout Buddhist.
- So?
So why would a devout Buddhist go
and shove Goebbels up his ass?
I don't know.
Maybe he's some kind of pervert.
- These movies stars are pretty freaky.
- Not that freaky.
- What, you know Richard Gere?
- No, I do not know Richard Gere.
But I do know Richard Gere did not
do nothing with no Goebbels.
- That's crazy.
- Well...
My cousin though-
he was at that party
where Rod Stewart swallowed all that
jizz and had to have his stomach pumped.
Now that's true.
Everybody knows that.
- Mr. Albertson?
- Yes.
Yeah, this is Sheriff Duncan
down at the station.
Its about your son.
Im afraid Ive got
good news and bad news.
What's the bad news?
Well, your son,
it turns out, was a tranny.
He was dressing up
in ladies' clothes
and hanging out
down by the docks
and tricking longshoremen
into letting him give 'em blow jobs.
What's the good news?
Oh, the good news is
he's been murdered.
Ill take a gin and tonic.
- What's that?
- Just try it.
That tastes like gin.
Turn it around.
That tastes like tonic.
Okay, how about
a vodka, orange juice?
That's vodka.
Turn it around.
That's orange juice.
That's amazing.
- Pretty neat, huh?
- Yeah, Ill say.
You seem to be
a smart girl.
You know where I can get
some pussy around here?
Jesus! That tastes like shit.
Turn it around.
I have bad news
and I have really bad news.
What's the really bad news?
You have terminal cancer.
You only have six months to live.
- What's the bad news?
- You have Alzheimer's.
Well, at least
I don't have cancer.
- You wanted to see me?
- Come on in.
Is there a problem?
No, no problem,
a concern.
Now you know the jokes you sent me?
Some very funny stuff,
but they're not very sexy.
Well, we're not making
some sort of...
- No.
- ... soft-core porn thing.
No, but you gotta keep your eye
on the target audience-
the marginally educated,
the easily led, bigoted,
your stoners,
the hopelessly immature.
- Americans?
- Yes.
So let me just show you
what Im thinking here.
Dollface, come on up.
This is Tiffany.
She's new to the business.
Been out here, what,
six months now?
- Eight years.
- Right.
A very talented kid.
I met her at this thing.
But, I don't know,
I want to use her somehow.
Well, I don't know exactly-
Well, since you're asking,
this is what I was thinking-
you know those bumpers
that we got in between the scenes-
you know, man-on-the-street-
telling-the-joke kind of stuff?
Well, Tiffany here is a dancer-
does stag nights,
bat mitzvahs, whatnot.
So Im thinking
she comes on out
- in between the scenes...
- Uh-huh.
...dances a little bit,
and then tells a joke.
Well, I guess
it's very sort of
postmodern vaudevillian.
That's exactly what I was thinking.
That's exactly what I said.
Didn't I, honey?
I mean, with the mainstreaming
of pornography,
it's only natural
that it should go to vaudeville.
Vaudeville, right.
So, honey, show the man
what I taught you.
Baby, the other thing.
The other thing.
Oh, okay.
- The other thing.
- Okay.
How do you get
an Iraqi woman pregnant?
I forgot.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
No no no, she's got it.
She's got it.
Come here, honey.
- Huh? Huh?
- Okay.
- Don't worry. Relax.
- Okay. Okay.
- All right.
- Ahem.
And action.
How do you get
an Iraqi woman pregnant?
Come on her feet
and let the flies do the rest.
Huh? Did I tell you
the kid's a natural, huh?
This isn't going
to Sundance, is it?
Okay, I have good news
and bad news.
What's the bad news?
You have Alzheimer's.
Well, what's the good news?
You can hide
your own Easter eggs.
Rockets' red glare
You know
How I hate glares
Cut the shit
with this glare, please
Cut the glare right now,
right now, ri-
Coach, you got a sec?
Yeah, sure. Come on in, kid.
What's on your mind?
Well, Coach,
you know those supplements
you've got us on-
the steroids?
Well, I know
we want to win State,
but there's a problem.
What is it?
I have hair on my chest.
Oh Jesus.
How far down does that go?
All the way to my balls.
Okay, so we're gonna schedule
your breast augmentation
surgery for next Wednesday.
- Thank you, Doctor.
- You're welcome.
- I have one other question.
- Yes?
Im leaving my husband
because he likes to fuck poultry,
and I read about this
hymen reconstruction surgery
that can restore your virginity.
Does it really work?
Well, yes and no.
Think of it this way-
you can roll back
the odometer,
but you never get back
that new car smell.
Hey, what did the hooker
say to the Chihuahua?
"Hey! Watch the nylons. "
You like jokes?
You like blow jobs?
What do you call
a Mexican guy
with a rubber toe?
Okay, what's red and green
and yellow and orange
and purple and pink?
- What?
- A black guy dressed for church.
- No.
- Okay.
What did the Jewish pedophile
say to the little boy?
"Hey, little boy,
wanna buy some candy?"
Oh, come on, that's funny.
He wants to fuck the kid,
but he's too cheap to give him the candy.
- Its a classic.
- Its not a classic.
Its bullshit.
Not all Jews are cheap.
That's the part of the joke
that offends you- the cheap part?
- Yes.
- Its okay that he's a pedophile?
He just can't be
a cheap pedophile?
Explain that one.
There's no stereotype
of Jews as pedophiles,
so to say that this particular
Jewish person is a pedophile
does nothing to perpetuate
false generalizations
about the Jewish people.
Saying that they control the media
or that they're cheap,
on the other hand,
is offensive.
So he can diddle little boys
as long as he pays retail for them?
Im done.
That's the problem with you
and with everyone else.
Everyone gets so offended
about their own stereotypes,
- they have no concern for anyone else.
- I have-
- What if I was a victim of child abuse?
- You weren't-
Or him?
But that doesn't matter to you
as long as your people don't get hurt.
Child abuse is a terrible thing, man.
It tears families apart.
Do you even know what
the number-one cause of pedophilia is?
Sexy kids.
That's sick.
Go fuck yourself.
- Oh, come on!
- You will never work in this town again!
Oh yeah, like you're the one
that controls the media.
I have relatives!
Oh hey, it's okay.
They don't really control the media.
Let's hope they don't, huh?
What about the Mexican jokes?
Oh, that's fine.
They don't control anything.
What is the difference
between a Jew and a canoe?
The canoe might tip.
What's the problem?
Every time I sneeze,
I have an orgasm.
Don't worry.
I am gonna write you
a prescription.
What for?
What do you call
a gay dinosaur?
A mega-sore-ass.
Paratrooper training-
really really rough.
- I almost didn't make it through.
- What happened?
Well, we went up
for our first jump.
My turn came.
I got right up to
the plane bay doors
and I panicked.
I chickened out. I couldn't do it.
- Holy shit.
- I back off,
and then my sergeant
yells at me,
"You jump out of this plane right now
or Ill stick my cock up your ass!"
Did you jump?
A little at first.
- This dancing bimbo girl.
- Mm-hmm.
- You already fucked her, right?
- Oh, and how.
Then just let it go. Please.
Let me make a movie-
a real movie.
Ill put tits in it.
Ill put tits in it, I swear-
big titties, little titties,
flapjack titties,
wall-to-wall titties
as far as the eye can see.
Just let me do it
with a little taste,
with my vision.
Its not what it looks like.
What would you rather-
a war with Iraq?
Or a whore with a rack?
Good morning, sir. Welcome to the bank.
How can I help you?
Hey, sugar tits. Id like to open
a fucking account in your bank.
Excuse me?
You heard me, bitch.
I want to open
a fucking account
in your fucking bank.
Im sorry, Im not gonna
be able to help you if you continue
to speak to me like that.
Jim, I have a problem.
Hey, Im Jim,
the branch manager.
What seems to be
the problem?
No fucking problem.
I just won $70 million
in the fucking lottery
and I want to put the fucking money
in your fucking bank.
And this cunt won't help you?
You're fired.
What do a priest
and an Olympic silver medalist
have in common?
They both came in
a little behind.
Will the owner of a 1982
Ford Festiva, green and gold,
please move your car?
Its really fucking ugly.
So you're here to donate plasma?
Yeah, I just got fired from my job,
so I really need the 20 bucks.
Well, that's too bad.
Im here for the sperm myself.
You get an even 100.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Wow, that must be nice.
Pays the bills, you know.
Hey there.
So you're back to get
another 20 for your plasma, huh?
Okay, and that's lunch, everybody.
Just so you know,
we had to cancel
the catering truck,
but there are some bagels
left over from yesterday.
And of course
there is more Vienna Sausage.
Hey! Stop! We need to talk.
Okay, let me just
get my lunch.
- No, now. Let's talk.
- Okay okay.
- Do I have your attention?
- Yes.
All right, Im gonna make this very clear-
you're fucking this movie.
I don't know what
you're talking about.
You know
damn well what Im talking about.
- No, I don't.
- Eh! Now you're gonna listen to me
because I am the producer
and I am in charge
or this film.
Do we understand each other?
- Yes.
- Do we understand each other?!
- Yes!
- All right.
You promised me tits.
Ive seen no tits.
You promised me midgets.
You went over budget on that.
And Ive been talking to the writers.
They're complaining about
you killing the best jokes.
This film's coming in under time.
Now wait a minute.
You wait a fucking goddamn minute!
I am the director! I direct!
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
You want to make some cheap piece
of shit here, but I have a vision,
and that's to explore
jokes and laughter
and see how it shapes us
as communities.
You know,
in a joke there's a schism
between reality
and perception.
And if we could just
get into that schism
and just get in there
and crack it open
and really
make people laugh
and make them understand
that, you know,
we're all in this together
and we have to have
a sense of humor about ourselves.
And that's so important.
If Germans had a sense of humor,
maybe there wouldn't
have been a Holocaust.
If we could bring
laughter to Darfur,
we could end this horrible,
lamentable tragedy
that's going on there.
I just think as artists
we need to take our art
and use it like a megaphone
to shine a light
on human suffering
and really know that there's
All right, let's strike the set
and set up for the Australian
dildo accident.
Seems like a lifetime has passed
since I was a young boy
growing up
in the Smoky Mountains
of Tennessee.
Oh, I know I ain't
as young as I used to be,
but that doesn't mean
I don't enjoy
making time with a lady.
And whenever I bring
a hot piece of ass
back to my place for dinner
and a night
of animal lovemaking,
I make sure and have
a can of
Little Vienna Sausages.
Because Little
Vienna Sausages
are more than just
artificial gelatin
and leftover cattle feces.
They're a mind-blowing aphrodisiac
that'll give any girl
a little breeze
between her legs.
Last Friday
I was in the shower
with Tawni.
The soapy lather
was dripping off
her supple breasts.
And thanks to my
Little Vienna Sausages,
her nipples were on fire.
She dropped the soap,
grabbed the back
of my head and said,
"Take a bite of peach. "
We made love for hours.
And when we woke up
in the morning-
well, I guess you know
what I made her
for breakfast.
Little Vienna Sausages.
Just a little taste
of America.
Im worried, Doc.
I think I got my secretary pregnant.
Its okay.
Im gonna give you
a prescription for the male
birth control pill.
Does it work?
Oh yeah, you take it the day after
and it changes your blood type.
Can I take it
on an empty stomach?
No, take it on an empty conscience.
Oh, I will.
Would you like me
to wrap that up for you?
No, but Ill take
the Little Vienna Sausages.
Single, right?
How did you guess?
Because I wanted
Little Vienna Sausages?
No, 'cause you're
fucking ugly.
Why do people
from Iraq stink so bad?
So even blind people
could hate them.
What one sagging titty say
to the other sagging titty?
"We'd better get some support,
or people are gonna start
thinking we're nuts. "
What do you call
a lesbian dinosaur?
A lick-a-lotta-puss.
Psst, you, come here.
How are the racist jokes coming?
They're coming good.
Im trying to branch out,
- play with the form a little bit.
- How so?
I came up
with a racist fart joke.
How does it go?
What did
George Washington Carver say
after he invented pork and beans?
- That's as far as Ive gotten.
- Wonderful.
Now look, Ive been
thinking about this,
- and we've got to have the ni-
- Shh shh shh.
Right, thanks.
We've got to push the edge
of the envelope here
to make up for lost time.
Gotta use the N-word.
You want to drop the N-bomb?
Oh, I don't know.
This is a dirty joke movie,
and that is the ultimate dirty joke.
Ill see what I can dig up.
Good man.
- All we need is one.
- Just one?
Just one.
Okay, class,
today we're gonna learn
about animals on the farm
and the sounds they make.
Who knows
what a duck says?
A duck says,
"Quack quack. "
Very good.
Who knows
what a cow says?
- A cow says "Moo. "
- Excellent.
Now who can tell me
what a pig says?
Little Johnny.
A pig says,
"Get up against the wall!
Put your hands on your head,
you black motherfucker!"
Doc, this is Mr. Albertson.
Did you get the test results
back on my wife?
Yes, we did,
but they're a little unclear.
She either has AIDS
or Alzheimer's.
What do I do?
Take her out for a drive
and drop her a few miles from the house.
If she comes home,
don't fuck her.
Oh man,
look at that goat.
Its stuck.
What are we gonna do?
I don't know about you,
but I know
what Im gonna do.
Oh yeah.
Oh man.
- Want some of this action?
- Hell yeah.
But I ain't sticking
my head through no fence.
When I saw you
at the bar tonight,
something just came over me.
Ive never been
with a black man before.
Im wondering
if it's true what they say.
Oh, it's true, baby.
Oh, then come over here
and show me
what you big black bucks do best.
Im sorry, man.
I can't do this.
All right, what's the problem?
Did you forget the blocking?
Fuck the blocking!
Im not doing
this shit, man.
Why not?
This shit is demeaning
to my people.
Which people?
Little people or-
Black people, motherfucker!
Okay okay, we can discuss
any kind of uncomfortableness.
Is it the line?
I don't even think
you have a line there.
Can I see the script, please?
Hello, can I get the sides?
I got it. I got it.
Okay, what's the action here?
She says,
"Then come over here
and show me what you big
black bucks do best. "
And then he punches her
in the face,
- steals her stereo and runs away.
- Fuck that.
Look, I know this is a really-
could you just look at me?
Sir? Little-
Im coming around.
Im coming around.
Im coming around. Im coming around!
Im coming around.
Im coming around!
Look, I know it's a little edgy,
but that's the kind of
movie we're making here.
Its- we're pushing buttons.
Its a very political movie.
We've got Arab jokes.
Or course
you've got Arab jokes.
We're at war with the Arabs.
Telling Arab jokes is
practically a patriotic duty.
Ill talk to him for five seconds.
Hey, what's the deal?
I thought we couldn't get any blacks
- to be in this movie.
- He's just a little black.
Right. Wait, I thought
we couldn't afford
any dwarves either.
He's a black dwarf.
They're less than the white ones.
- In this day and age?
- You hate to take advantage but-
you know, there are still parts
of the South he can't vote.
Voter discrimination is still legal?
No, he can't reach the levers.
Okay, just give me one second,
just one second.
Look, we're doing a joke movie
and there's no jokes
that people love telling more
than racist jokes.
I mean, why won't Texans
put Mexicans in the electric chair?
Because it's too hard
to put out the grease fires.
Yeah? Everybody loves them.
Yeah, my sister dated a Mexican.
They're some
greasy motherfuckers.
See? You get what Im saying?
Yeah, I guess so.
Hey, why aren't there any Puerto Ricans
on the Starship Enterprise?
Because they don't work
in the future either.
Wait wait wait,
I got one, I got one.
Ahem- why did the Jews
spend 40 years
wandering in the desert?
They heard someone
dropped a quarter.
Okay, I think that's about enough.
They are so cheap.
Oh, this is really good.
This is great.
What is the difference between
a park bench and a black man?
A park bench can support
a family of four.
Oh boy.
This is so good.
What did the black kid
get for Christmas? My bike!
Fuck you.
Call me.
Do you have any Aryan in you?
Would you like some?
That kinky little bastard!
Look what I found
in your son's closet!
- Look.
- Oh sweet Jesus.
What are we gonna do
about it?
Oh, I don't know,
but we shouldn't spank him.
Boy, you've done a fine job
working on my farm.
Im gonna hate to lose you.
- Oh, thank you.
- In fact, tonight
Im gonna throw you
a going-away party.
All right.
I hope you can handle
your liquor,
'cause there's gonna be
a lot of boozing.
I love boozing.
And there might be
some fighting too.
I love fighting.
Good for you,
'cause there's gonna be
a whole lot of fucking.
Well, I love me some fucking.
What do you want me
to wear to the party?
I don't care.
Ain't gonna be but the two of us.
Hey, buddy.
The wife let you out tonight?
No no, she volunteers two nights
a week at the tempura house.
Tempura house?
That's that new sushi restaurant?
No no, it's a shelter
for lightly battered women.
Hello, son.
How is it going?
Hiya, Dad. I think I need a change.
I want to be a mortician.
A mortician?
Why a mortician?
Im really good with people.
All right, cut! Cut.
Hold on a second.
This was very sloppy.
- Are you drunk or something?
- No.
Are you sure? What is the-
This is prop, right? Props are-
This is- this is real.
Im method.
Yeah, so was Marlon Brando,
but he didn't get
blown out of his mind.
What's wrong with you?
He ate.
He got fat.
He didn't get high.
He could at least
remember his li-
What's g- what's your name?
You don't even know-
he doesn't even know his name!
Get rid of him.
It just said "Doctor" in the script.
You're fired!
You got ID?
Oh, what'll it be, Dr. Katz?
Martini, olives, up.
Make it dirty.
If you woke up in the jungle-
Fuck you.
You're late.
I know. Im sorry.
Somebody is going to
get a spanking.
Hi, how are you?
Good. Are you the girl
that gives the hand jobs?
I sure am.
Wash your hands.
I want a cheese sandwich.
- No no no!
- Oh, calm down.
Its a - joke.
Don't say that word.
They'll throw us into
racist rehab or worse.
- For saying -?
- Yes, Ive been to rehab. I know.
- Oh please. - - -!
- Stop it!
You know, I think
the kid has a point here.
Calling them - is
a little over the line.
Over the line my ass.
Why can't we call them -?
- call each other - all the time.
- They're allowed to call each other -.
- Why can't we call them -?
I don't know. Its some
unwritten code or something.
I asked my maid about that once.
Your maid is from the Ukraine.
I know.
They really hate -.
I think it's okay
to make fun of a -
as long as you don't
call him a -.
That doesn't make
one bit of sense.
- I don't make the rules.
- Well, who does make the rules?
I mean, can a spic call a - a -?
Can a - call a spic a spic?
Depends on who's holding the knife.
Look look look, guys.
I don't know about you,
but I am not having
that word in my movie.
Oh really? Why not?
- Why not?
- Yeah, why not?
Im gonna tell you why not.
How many black people
do you see in this room?
Is Tupac in this room?
Is Biggie in this room?
They're dead.
That's not- my point is
we are not black.
If any of us were black, we could say it.
But we're not, so we can't.
Look, if you say "black person"
too many times,
people will just think
you're too scared to say -.
I am afraid to say -.
You son of a bitch.
Maybe there's some
half-offensive term we could use,
something somewhere
in between "black person" and -.
- "African-American. "
- Thank you, sweetie.
Did you know if you mouth
the word "snicker,"
it looks just like
you're saying the word -?
- What good does that do us?
- All right, look, guys,
we need a - joke.
He is right!
He's right! You know where
this company went wrong?
You know where all
of American comedy went wrong?
When we started pandering,
going for those cheap laughs
with the warmed-over,
politically-correct bullshit.
Our comedy used to have teeth.
It used to have balls!
And now everyone's so afraid
of stepping on toes,
of saying the wrong thing.
Well, fuck it!
We do it all.
Why did the faggot cross the road?
How many Dagos
to screw in a light bulb?
We're gonna get the krauts,
the frogs, the kikes.
Micks, camel jockeys.
The macacas, the wetbacks.
- Ali Babas.
- Bone smugglers.
- Snow monkeys.
- Pencil-dick honkeys.
- Cripples.
- Trannies.
- Harelips.
- Burn victims.
We are going to
make fun of people
using some of the greatest
jokes ever told.
And this movie-
this movie will go down in history
as one of the greatest comedies
the earth has ever known.
You've been found guilty.
Your movie is a hate crime.
Quiet in the court.
Are you sending us
to racist rehab?
Rehabs are for pussies.
- Where's our fucking lawyer?
- Quiet in the court.
- Don't tell me to be quiet.
- Itll get worse.
- Don't tell me to be quiet.
- Shut up.
Your fucking movie is a disgrace.
- Your Honor, I resent that remark.
- The movie is filthy,
- nasty, class "A" dirty.
- Fine.
You should be ashamed of yourself
making fun of midgets,
black people, crippled people,
- burned people, Jewish people.
- Your Honor, if I may correct you,
- there was no burn victim, for the record.
- There was no burn victim.
Quiet. Somebody shut
those two crackers up.
Hey, I heard that.
- Your Honor, I object-
- Quiet. Quiet.
- Your Ho- can I-
- Quiet. Quiet.
You're now sentenced
for 25 years in prison.
- 25 years?
- I figured, the worst- seven to 10.
- That's gonna hurt.
- Please, you can't send me to prison.
- Sit down, boy.
- I haven't done anything wrong.
Ive got lots of
black friends, I swear.
Name one.
He's in Vancouver.
I- I- I volunteer
at soup kitchens.
You've only seen the bad evidence.
You've only seen the bad evidence.
Just watch this last scene.
Just watch this last scene.
Watch it and you'll see
what I was trying to do.
You'll see that Im an artist.
This poor cracker's going crazy.
Don't send me to 25 years
in prison, please!
Please! Please.
You must be the man
from the government.
I heard you was
comin' down.
Yes, sir.
We're down here in Mississippi
investigating a disappearance
of a busload of black
gospel singers from Detroit.
Yep yep, they came
through here all right,
about a week back.
There was a hailstorm- bad.
They lost control of their vehicle,
plunged over the guard rail,
went down the embankment
and crashed down
at the bottom of the gulley.
It was terrible-
bodies everywhere.
- Oh my God.
- Well, you said it.
We couldn't handle
that kind of accident,
not with our little mortuary,
so we had a minister come on up
and say some words
and bless the bodies,
and we buried them
right there on the spot.
- That's just terrible.
- Oh, indeed it was.
Its unbelievable.
And you say they're all dead?
Well, you know,
some of them said they wasn't,
but you know how - lie.
I should kick
all three of your butts.
Okay, 25 years is fair.
And the home
Of the brave.
This movie is bullshit.
Bom bom bom
dee bom bom bom
Dip-dip dee bom bom bom
Dip-dip dee bom
Wah wah wah ooh
Bom bom bom
Dip-dip dee bom bom bom
Dip-dip dee
bom bom bom
Dip-dip dee bom
Wah wah wah ooh
Bom bom bom
dee bom bom bom...
You want to make some
cheap piece of shit here?
Well, I have a vision.
And that vision is
since I didn't get
a guest shot on "Oz,"
- Im taking my piece now!
- Oh God.
Do you want to see this
or the hot chicks?
I think this could be
much hotter.
Actors are whores.
That's the principal
foundation of this business.
You know, years ago
I got an actor
in Nashville to come-
oh shit.
In Nashville once I got an actor
to jerk off on an oatmeal c-
oh shit, Im sorry.
Here, take this.
- How's your mother?
- They had to amputate.
Oh, too bad. S-
Ive gotta act.
Ive got a job.
Hey, Mario, what's that-
Im done.
Oh God,
that's the problem with you-
- Sorry, I got- Im sorry.
- I hit you.
I got hit right
in the face. Sorry.
Im done.
See, that's the problem with you...
and with-
God damn it!
Pencil-dick honkeys.
Dick Cheney.
- You gotta keep him up.
- Oh, sorry sorry.
Hello, we're from the Church
of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.
- The Mormons.
- Are your parents home?
What the fuck do you think?
Holy shit.
Well, that's our movie for tonight.
Hope you enjoyed it
and come back and see
"Dirty Movie 2:
Whitey's Revenge. "
You're giving me a headache.
Time for dinner.
Dip-dip dee bom
Wah wah wah ooh.
Do you want me to
turn my head and cough?
Man, that'd be kind of hot.