Duchess and the Dirtwater Fox, The (1976) Movie Script

- Schweinehund!
And in case that isn't
perfectly clear...
it means you're the biggest shit-head
in the city of San Francisco.
- Ta-ta!
- Out! Out!
Fifty dollars.
All right, gentlemen,
how many cards?
Gimme two.
- Malloy?
- One.
- Your bet, Malloy.
- Fifty dollars.
Okay, Malloy, I'm in.
You cheap, two-bit bum!
You wanna feel it, you buy it!
You think I'm doin' volunteer work?
Keep your hands to yourself!.
[MAN] Come on, Trixie! Here, have
another drink! Be a nice little girl!
What do you got, Malloy?
Full house.
Aces over kings.
Beats three queens.
Thank you, gentlemen.
As the saying goes...
the race is not always to the swift,
nor the battle to the strong...
but that's the way to bet.
See ya next payday.
Somebody drop that?
You did, you son of a bitch.
- [MAN] Hang that cheating cardsharp!
- Get that noose!
- String him up!
- "String him up"?
What are you talking about? What kind
of talk is that from nice people?
- String him up!
- Hang him!
- String him up!
Hold it. Hold it! Hold it!
Now, let's not get carried away
with bloodlust.
Where is our cup of human kindness?
Where has it runneth to?
It runneth right up your ass,
that's where!
Somebody get the rope!
- Hang him!
- [TRIXIE] Charlie!
God be with you,
Charlie Malloy!
And don't ever forget, you're
the only one who ever got it for free!
- I'll keep it in mind.
- [MAN] It's the Bloodworths!
- Watch out! It's the Bloodworths!
- Charlie!
It's the Bloodworth gang!
Hit the dirt!
Get those kids outta here!
Oh-ho! Easy! [GRUNTS]
Let's get him out of here.
- Easy. [GRUNTS]
Come on, boy!
Come on, boy! Come on,
Blackjack! Blackjack!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Gentlemen, will you help
Mr. Malloy to his horse.
Ooh! Easy.
Hey, easy. Easy!
Sure would like to thank you,
Mr. Bloodworth.
- Forever in your debt.
- You bet your ass you're in our debt.
You're gonna help us with a lady
to help us pull a job.
- What lady? What job?
- Dirtwater.
Oh, can't.Just got kicked out of there
for screwing the banker's wife.
That's the lady. You're gonna be real nice
to her and get the key to the bank.
- What about the banker?
- He's out of town.
- Ain't gonna be any more killin', is there?
- Oh, hell, no.
It's just gonna be fast and friendly.
- You think you can be fast and friendly?
Never been too fast,
but I always been friendly.
You better be, boy.
- Come on!
- Hyah! Hyah!
Hey-hyah! Hey-yah!
All right, Romeo. She's up there.
She's fat, she's ugly
and she's bowlegged.
[SHOUTS] You don't have to whisper,
because she's deaf too!
It's all set up for you. The keys
to the bank are under the mattress.
She's on top of the mattress. When you
get up there, you grab her by the--
Mr. Bloodworth, I don't
tell you how to rob banks.
Don't tell me how to get keys.
Just remember, sonny boy--
fast and friendly.
Got it, Mr. Bloodworth.
Easy. Easy.
- Street's clear.
- All right, let's go, boys.
Come on, Malloy.
Holdup! Holdup!
You said there wouldn't
be any killing.
You're still breathin',
ain't ya, sweet lips?
You wanna keep it that way?
- Yes, sir, Mr. Bloodworth.
- Then shut up. Ride!
Let's go.
Aaah! Where were ya?
[BLOODWORTH] So the Dirtwater
sheriff's got himself a posse.
Let's move.
Get the money.
Come on. Get up.
Posse coming.
Come on. Get up.
Get goin'.
Come on.
Hurry up now.
No, no. Let them
take care of him.
- Whoa, horse.
- [BLOODWORTH] Get the money.
I got the money.
- Hyah!
- Hyah!
Well, the old fox finally did it.
Didn't he, Blackjack?
They're gonna have themselves
some kind of surprise...
when they open up that big
bag of what they think
is money and find out
it all came from you.
Yes, sir, we're on our way to Australia
to spend a little of this 40,000...
on the good life.
There's only one place to catch
that boat, and that's San Francisco.
Let's go.
Split at the fork.
We'll meet at the other side
of the canyon.
All right,
we got 'em off our back.
Let's get the money, divide it up
and get outta here.
- What the hell?
- What's the matter? What is it?
Forty thousand dollars' worth
of horse shit.
Why, that connivin'
son of a bitch. Get him!
- Where are we goin', Bloodworth?
- San Francisco!
- All right, all right! Hold it down!
Hold it down!
And now, our eight
little lasses from old Brittania...
the Piccadilly Pixies...
starring the one, the only...
Bluebird of Billingsgate!
Hey, Bluebird!
Staying in town long?
She don't know you're alive.
She's just got a sense of humor,
that's all.
Playin' a little game with me.
Just watch.
Uh, pardon me, sir.
Uh, pardon me, madam.
It, uh, so happens I read palms.
Maybe the little lady would like to know
what's in her immediate future.
- Go suck an egg.
- I like that, what you said just then.
That's very good.
Very good.
Let him read it. Who knows?
Maybe there's a spot in there for me.
That's right, stranger.
Maybe there's room for all of us.
Oh! Look at that.
Look at that.
I tell you, the little lady's got
the longest lifeline I've ever seen.
Just look at this.
I don't believe it.
Look at that line.
It goes on and on...
and on.
End of the line!
Here, here, here.
What's this? What's this?
All right,
that's enough of that.
Come on.
Get off of him!
I told you, Bluebird,
no more disturbances.
Next time you're gonna get
your butt kicked out of here.
Not next time. Now!
Wait a minute--
I've had this dump and every other
glorified toilet on the Barbary Coast.
I didn't come all the way from the suburbs
of Boston to put up with this crap!
You don't come
from no suburbs of Boston.
I do too! I'm one of the Cabots
or the Lodges. I forget which.
I got class. I got style.
I got talent!
- Balls!
- And I wish I had a couple of those.
I wouldn't have to do
this kind of work! Ta-ta!
Okay. Thank you.
Can I help you?
I'd like a ticket
to wherever that'll take me.
Fourteen dollars?
That ain't gonna get you
to the first comfort station.
Say! Ain't you the Bluebird?
I had the pleasure of your
company some months back.
I'll never forget that night.
Neither will I.
Tell you what, animal.
How about a stroll down Memory Lane
to make up the difference in the ticket?
Bluebird, you just got yourself
some first-class transportation.
You wait here.
I'll go get my assistant.
Whoa! Ho!
Mr. Wetherly...
I am Josiah Widdicombe
of Salt Lake City.
This is Mr. Gladstone,
my assistant.
- How do you do?
- Howdy.
I trust all arrangements have been
made that were requested.
- Oh, yes, sir. Indeed they have.
- Good.
We will proceed
to the Golden Gate Hotel...
and my wives and children
will attend the interviews...
promptly at 9:00
tomorrow morning.
Very good, sir. And we'll take full care
of baggage and transportation.
Thank you, Mr. Wetherly.
Who booked that freak show?
That's the famous Mormon,
Josiah Widdicombe, and his family.
You mean, he's married to that
sewing club? All those kids his?
Part of his religion.
He has very strong beliefs.
Must have a pretty strong back too.
He come out here to hire hisself
a governess for the children.
Figures San Francisco is the best place
to find ladies of dignity and breeding.
Them wives of his look like they been eatin'
real good and gettin' lots of sleep too.
Well, they get one day on
and six days off, so to speak.
If you know what I mean.
Now, how about our little
stroll down Memory Lane?
Change of travel plans, rabbit.
My next stroll may be
all the way to Salt Lake City.
Me, oh, my.
One day on and six days off.
Makes your mouth water.
Look what the cold
and blustery wind blew in.
Oh,yeah. There's a definite
change in the weather.
Good night, girls.
It's past your bedtime.
- Oh, Charlie!
- Good night?
Go quietly. Two's company,
four's an orgy.
And she looks like she can
handle the case all by herself.
Here's five dollars.
Go buy yourself an education.
- Geez!
- Go on. Go on.
Well, look who's back.
Her Highness.
Not for long, pig-face.
You make one move
on my trick this show...
and you're gonna be singing
"Hail, Brittania" on your backside...
because your head's gonna be
shoved up your ass.
And what's tragic is, no one's
gonna know the difference.
Welcome home.
See you changed your
mind, eh, Bluebird?
I liked what I saw.
Well, what the hell.
It's a democracy.
- You made a very sensible decision.
- Thank you.
- Staying in town long?
- Not long.
Me and my horse
are headed for Australia.
Gotta kill a couple days
before the boat leaves.
That's long enough.
- What'd you say your name was?
- Malloy. Charlie Malloy.
Sometimes known
as the Dirtwater Fox.
Dirtwater Fox.
What an interesting name.
Where'd you say
you were staying?
Just across the street.
Barbary Point Hotel.
Really? I've often wondered
what those rooms looked like.
Well, why not come over
for a little nightcap?
Do they allow ladies in?
I think I can arrange it.
It's an outrageous idea.
But I suppose just once.
Evening Mr. Malloy.
Howdy, Bluebird.
Folks get friendly around here
mighty fast.
It's all one big social club.
Just make yourself at home.
Ohh! I will.
Thank you.
Well! It's just grand.
Just gracious living.
It certainly is, Mr. Dirtwater.
It's just awfully gracious.
And it looks so expensive.
It is. Best room in the house.
Cost me nearly four dollars a night.
Well, it certainly looks it.
Always like things to be in good taste.
Lots of class. That's my style.
Yes, I can see that.
Champagne and "ca-napes,"
Mr. Malloy.
- Just put it there.
- Yes, sir, Mr. Malloy. Yes, sir.
See what I mean? Class.
take a seat anywhere.
- You know somethin', Bluebird?
- Easy.
- Y-Yes, sir.
You know somethin',
You're a very
juicy-looking little lady.
Know somethin', Dirtwater?
You're a mighty
appealing-looking fella.
- You mean it?
- Cross my heart.
- Really mean it?
- Hope to die.
What do you think
is my most attractive feature?
That's a tough decision.
Take your time.
Some ladies like one thing,
some another.
It's all there.
- Your jaw.
My jaw? Not my hair?
Your jaw. It's strong.
Most ladies like my hair.
They like to
run their fingers through it.
It's your jaw.
I remember once in St. Louis
this lady got her hand caught in there.
Wouldn't take it out
for a day and a half.
You about through?
Uh, y-yes, sir, Mr. Malloy.
Yes, sir. That'll be $56.
- Fifty-six dollars.
- Fifty-six dollars.
Fifty-six dollars?
That's an awful lot of money!
Not for this stuff.
This isn't domestic champagne.
It comes all the way from Oregon.
Only the labels are made here.
- Do you need any money?
- I can handle it, Bluebird.
- Fifty-six dollars?
- Fifty-six dollars.
- Here's 57. Keep the change.
- Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.
Do you mind if I
ask you a question first?
- What is it?
Do you mind
if I put that cigar down?
- Help yourself.
- Thank you.
Now, what was your question?
Just sit down.
Would you, please?
Bluebird, there are
personal questions...
and there are
very personal questions.
Now, this is a very,
very personal question.
Well, what in the world is it?
Quite simply, it's this:
Haven't those two little prisoners
done enough time?
Let's give the little devils
their freedom.
They're already pretty free.
They gotta breathe,
though, don't they?
- Uh, I have a better idea.
- You do?
Yes. Why don't we have a little toast
to each little devil first?
Why not?
Of course why not.
You should have anything you want.
After all...
you are the customer.
- The what?
- Customer.
- The customer?
- Well, a girl does have
to take care of her--
You've got some sense of humor.
You are actually asking
Charlie Malloy to pay for it?
Well, a girl does have to
keep body and soul together.
Bluebird, I've never paid
for anybody's body...
and I sure as hell ain't puttin' up
a red cent for their soul.
All right, Malloy.
You never paid for it,
and I never gave it away.
With me, anybody who wants a little
"mmmph," he's gotta put up for it.
- So it's a Mexican standoff.
- Right.
- No hard feelings?
- Didn't waste nothin' but time.
Help yourself
to a sandwich and go.
- I'm not hungry.
- Suit yourself.
Could you freshen up kinda fast?
It's gettin' late. You know what I mean?
Yeah, I know what you mean.
Everything okay in there,
Uh, I'm fine, thank you.
Tempus "foo-git."
Shop out there's about to close.
All the choice cuts are being
snapped up. You know what I mean?
What's the matter?
It's no use. I can't go.
Why not?
You were right all along.
It's not your jaw.
It's your hair.
I know I--
I sound like a silly schoolgirl.
But, um, do you think I could just...
put my fingers in it just once?
Noblesse oblige.
- That's French for "help yourself."
- I know.
Don't you think we could have
just one more little drink?
Like I said, noblesse oblige.
Why don't we finish this stuff
and get on with the evening?
Ma certainmente,
mon cherie.
Which is French for, uh--
- Whatever.
- Whatever. Okay.
Ooh, Dirtwater.
It's just so kind of you
to let me do this.
The old noblesse.
But you've got kindness
written all over your face.
And charm. Boyish charm.
Got a lot of little boy in me.
That's what does it to them.
Well, it's certainly doin' it to me.
Yeah. Got a lot of little boy in me.
Most women just wanna put their
arms around me and mother me.
And I bet before they know it,
they got a lot of little boy in them.
That's right, Bluebird.
Had to beat 'em off with clubs.
from Ethiopian princesses...
to Chinese galley maids.
Outwitted the men...
and charmed the pants off the ladies.
Say, that's a mighty talented
little instrument you got there.
Feels like a warm snake.
I'm so glad you like it.
Don't stop. Keep it up.
If I start screaming,
close in for the kill.
Hey, you gotta do
some exercisin', honey.
[SHOUTING] Bluebird, where is it?
What'd you do with it?
Where is it?
What'd you do with it?
Excuse me, my good man.
The Josiah Widdicombe party.
Rooms 236, 237 and 238.
Thank you kindly.
And put a hold on 239.
May I help you?
Good day, sir.
I'm here for the position of governess
to the family of Josiah Widdicombe.
- Ah. Your name?
- I beg your pardon!
Didn't your receive my wire
that I'd be arriving at 1 0:30?
No, no.
There was no wire.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have
a very full schedule, and I really--
My good man, do you know
to whom you're speaking to?
The name is Swansbury,
as in Duchess of.
I have a copy of the wire.
[GASPS] Oh, dear.
The family crest.
We wear it right over our heart.
Forgive me, Duchess.
- Won't you come in?
- Thank you.
Do you have any strong
religious beliefs, Duchess?
Oh, yes, sir!
I have found the secret to life
is purity of the body...
and having a good soul
and all like that.
And how do you feel
about children?
- Oh, I adore children!
- And teaching?
I believe we should only
teach what is proper.
The Bible tells us that he who doeth
what is good and doeth what is holy...
is gonna doeth all right.
Where is that in the Bible?
- Under the Doeths.
- Oh, I see.
Have you any special subjects
you like to teach?
Well... I have several specialties.
But I'm not sure I should
teach them all to the kids.
But, um, I like-- I like singing.
Would you care to teach
the children one of your favorites?
Just to see how it goes.
They do love music.
Well, uh...
there's a little nursery ditty my grandmama,
the Marchioness of Pillsbury...
used to sing to me in my crib.
You see, children, in this story...
the royal gardener
was very proud of his fruit trees.
But he was
particularly anxious...
that no harm would come
to his plums.
So, even when the little princes and
princesses would often come to visit...
he would say--
D-- Does anyone here play the piano?
Would you mind? Thank you.
Uh, C-sharp, I think.
So, the gardener would often say...
Very good, my dear.
Very good indeed.
Now perhaps you'll step
into the next room with me...
that we might discuss...
financial arrangements.
You certainly have
a way with children, Duchess.
They do inspire me so, sir.
- May I?
- Oh, please.
- May I?
- Please.
Yes, you certainly do have
a way with children, Duchess.
Uh, now, as to the matter
of salary--
Oh, anything you say
will be all right...
as long as I have an hour off a day
to read the good book...
say my prayers and do my nails.
Well, I think...
that can be arranged.
Where's the Bluebird's room?
- What you got in mind, sweetie?
- The Bluebird! The Bluebird!
Right over there.
Forty thousand dollars'
worth of plums.
Ah! Good afternoon.
Good afternoon, Duchess.
I do hope you don't mind taking a separate
stage. The others went on ahead.
Quite all right, thank you.
Your baggage will be on this one,
and we'll be on the next.
I'm to accompany you.
Um, does it go straight through
to Salt Lake?
Oh, no. There's one stop
in Virginia City.
Quite all right. I have
my reading to occupy my time.
Oh, dear.
Oh! Uh--
An... Indian prayer shawl.
A parting gift
from a loyal Sherpa...
when the duke and I were stationed at
Kilimanjaro, at the base of Lake Geneva.
Fascinating, Duchess. Fascinating.
Yeah. Yeah, fascinatin', Duchess.
- Morning, Mr. Malloy.
- Hiya.
- Comin' through!
- Get out of the way!
Get the hell out of the way!
Get out of the way!
- Check all the rooms!
- He's in one of' em!
He's registered!
Gotta be in there somewhere!
- Break down the door!
- Come on! Break down the door!
You dumb son of a bitch.
I told you once, I told you
a thousand times, under the window!
Hyah! Hyah!
Come on! Giddap!
Hey! Wait a minute!
Hey! Hey, wait up!
Hold it! Wait up!
Better watch yourselves
down there.
There might be trouble. There's
been a lot of holdups here lately.
Hey! Wait a minute!
Oh, shit.
I beg your pardon, Duchess.
Did you say something?
Yes, actually, I said "Oosh."
- "Oosh"?
- Yes, oosh.
It's an old hunting phrase we use...
when an outsider
is intruding upon the hunt.
[GLADSTONE] I don't believe
I've ever heard that line.
Oh, yes. Oosh.
We usually say it when the intruder
is gaining on the fox.
Stop the stagecoach!
And we seem to have an intruder gaining
on this little pack this very moment.
We'd best not take any chances
with this piece of oosh.
Oh, uh, don't do that, ma'am, no.
Mormons never kill.
That's why there's so many
of the little buggers.
Hey, wait a minute!
My life's in danger!
Let me aboard!
Wait up!
Stop the stagecoach!
- Hey! I wanna get aboard!
- I can't stop!
- Where you headed for?
- Virginia City!
- How do I get on?
- I don't know, mister!
The company says I can't stop
between one station and another.
Don't your horses ever take a pee?
Only in flight!
What about you?
You stay downwind of
me, you'll find out!
I'll pay you double!
You can put the money
in your own pocket!
Against company rules,
and I'm a company man!
I don't like this!
Can you slow down a little?
- Please?
- Hyah!
Just how far is it to Virginia City?
What in the hell
are you doin' up there?
- Aaah!
- Hold it right there!
From here to Virginia City'll
be six dollars!
How about five dollars
and a two-dollar cigar?
Sounds good!
Hyah! Get in there!
Hyah! Giddap! Hyah!
Afternoon, folks.
- Gesundheit!
Nice day for a journey.
You folks aimin'
to stop at Virginia City...
or is your destination farther on?
[COUGHS] Stranger,
you happen to be addressing...
the Duchess of Sw-- Swansbury...
and I don't see that her destination
or mine is any of your concern.
Hyah! Giddap! Get on!
Are you sure you and I
haven't met just recently, Duchess?
Certainly not.
- We never met?
- Never.
- Didn't come to my room last night?
- Absolutely not!
Would you mind sticking your tongue
in my ear just once, to make sure?
- Sir!
- Stranger, you're looking for trouble.
I never have to look for trouble.
It's always right there, real handy,
when I get up in the morning.
- Are you disturbed, Duchess?
No, I'll be quite all right,
thank you.
If I could just sit here quietly
and read my good book.
Hyah! Hyah! Giddap!
I'll take those, sir.
These happen to be
the Duchess's family crests.
And the Duchess has the nicest pair
of crests I've seen in some time.
Thank you awfully, sir.
Terribly decent of you.
Oh, comme ci, comme a.
That's French. Does
the Duchess speak French?
Oh,just a little. You know,
petite, patat, patoo.
That oughta do it.
What about you, sir? French?
Not a word.
Too bad. We could've had
a nice mnage trois.
comment allez-vous, Mon "Duchessa"?
Peut-tre a little
conversation entre nous, a va?
Oh, bonjour tristesse, monsieur.
Bon. Votre Highness,
o est la moola...
you "el snatchoed"
from moi hotel room...
- last notte, s'il vous plat?
- Pardon?
O est hast du ungemachen mit mein Geld
geflohen, meine feine Bluebird?
- Geld geflohen?
- Oui, mucho Geld geflohen.
- Ah, Geld geflohen!
- S, oui and jawohl.
Well, el gelt geflohen
was absoluto necesario...
to "purchaso"
uno "fino dressesario."
Alle gesehen?
Alles Geld por uno
lousy "dressesesario"?
S. El uno '"dressesesario'"
was uno grosso bargain.
El "bullshitoreenio,"
And molto importante
to "impressaroonio"...
molto importante Mormon.
Mucho loaded Mormon.
Questo Mormon?
El "schmucko" here?
No, no, no, no,
nein el "schmucko" here.
Mein Mormon ist numero uno...
eine grosse tycoon-type Mormon.
Ah, tycoon-type "Mormonoreenio."
S. S. "Tycoonaroonio."
With mucho "gelto"?
Absoluto. Herr hat gehaben Salt Lake City
in his back pocket gemachen.
Ah, trs interesante.
Aber qui es el "schmucko" here?
El "schmucko" is eine "flunky."
- Eine "flunky"?
- S.
Eine major-ass "Kleine-kisser"
to numero uno.
Mmm. Mmm.
Und hast du "ausgethinken"
of cutting me in on el propositione?
Peut-tre 50-50 gemachen?
Providisio you keep votre mouth
absoluto buttoned up, "geschmervitz."
Sempre fidelis?
Oh, sempre, sempre.
"Incidentareenio," have you given
numero uno el-- [TOOTS]
Not yet. Ich habe six ahead of me.
But no "problemento."
Ich habe gesehen them.
- "Uglareenios."
- Ah, trs interesante.
Trs interesante.
Yes, sir, my friend, the Duchess assures me
with her very versatile tongue...
it's going to be a pleasant journey--
short, sweet and richly rewarding.
How nice.
Heave! Come on!
Throw off!.
What the hell?
Hyah! Giddyap! Hyah!
Hyah! Giddyap!
Giddyap in there! Hyah!
[GASPS] There must be something
wrong with this driver.
Nah, he's just taking a short cut.
He's a company man.
It's a little bumpy,
but we're making good time.
Yes, we'll certainly
beat our schedule. Excuse me.
Au revoir. El "schmucko"
is getting the hell outta here.
Nervous person, wasn't he?
Wow. What are we
gonna do now?
Why don't you light up
another one of your goddamn cigars.
I know just the place
I'd like to shove it.
Good-bye, Duchess.
Hello, Bluebird.
I gotta get to Salt Lake City.
That's for sure. We got your million
dollar trick waiting for us there.
And remember, it's 50-50.
He ain't no trick. I'm
gonna marry the guy.
- You heard me. Marry.
- You crazy?
If he's a big man in the church,
he ain't marryin' no hooker.
- Why not?
- Because it's a giant no-no.
And if the deal includes getting you
married to a Mormon, count me out!
- Don't worry. I'll get him.
- Don't worry. You'll get him.
You haven't got a snowball's chance
in hell of getting that Mormon.
Look, if I say I'll get him, I'll get him.
I can get anybody I want.
Lotsa luck. Now just tell me where
my money is, and I'll get out of here.
Told ya it's gone.
I had to spend it on this lousy dress.
- All of it?
- Yeah, all of it.
On one crappy dress?
Well, I had to look like
a bluenosed duchess, didn't I?
Anyway, what are you makin'
such a big thing? It was only $65.
There was $40,000 in that bag!
What the hell
are you talkin' about?
There was $40,000 hidden
in the bottom of the bag.
- In the bottom?
- In the bottom.
- In the bottom?
- Of the bag. Now where is it?
Well, it's still there
in the lousy bottom.
Of the bag.
Oh, will you look at that!
- What the hell-- What are you doing?
I'm lookin' for the bag
with the bottom.
Well, it's not there, pea brain.
It's on its way to Salt Lake City.
- Salt Lake City.
- Get on the horse.
- Get-- Get your hands off me!
Hey, wait a minute, you idiot.
You can't get that bag without me.
- I gotta sign for it.
- Come on. Get on the horse.
- Get on the horse!
- Get your hands off me!
And let's get one thing straight.
Regardless of what you think,
last night that girl in Lord Jim's--
That's over. That part
of my life is through.
When I get to Salt Lake City,
I'm gonna live like a lady.
Like my mother and my grandmother before
me, like any other normal married woman.
- What does that mean?
- One day on and six days off.
Would you get on the horse.
- Well, wait a--
Here it is-- Virginia City.
My kind of town.
What constitutes
your kind of town?
Anyplace I can get rid of you.
I'll buy that.
Just drop me off in
the nicest hotel in town.
I'm sure Mr. Widdicombe
will be staying there.
You're staying right where
you are, next to me, sweetie...
cheek to jowl,
till I get my $40,000 back...
unless you want me to tell Mr. Widdicombe he
just hired the first Mormon hooker in history.
- Oh, piss off.
- Thank you, Duchess.
- Hey, psst.
Hey, Rumpelstiltskin. Everybody up.
Busy hands are happy hands.
- I'd like that bag over there.
- What bag is that?
That's the black bag on top of
the brown bag, and I need it in a hurry.
And a ticket to Salt Lake City,
along with Mr. Widdicombe.
- Mr. Widdicombe left two hours ago.
- But those are his bags.
Those leave in the morning,
and the baggage room is closed.
You don't understand, friend.
We want the bag now.
- The baggage room is closed.
- Then unclose it.
I can't.
It's against company rules.
- And you're a company man, right?
- Right.
Everywhere you go, assholes.
Now look, friend.
You give her the ticket, you give me the
bag, and we'll make ourselves a nice deal.
Okay, friend. A hundred bucks,
you can have the bag...
and I'll throw in a ticket
to Salt Lake for madame here.
Deal.Just hand us the bag.
Psst. First the hundred.
Where am I gonna get a hundred
this time of evening?
It's not an asshole's problem.
I got an idea
how to square the hundred.
- How about a little
action with the lady here?
- Wait a--
- I tell you, Mr.--
- Get out, both of you!
And don't come back
without the hundred.
Still your kind of town, Malloy?
Just save that charm, Duchess.
You're gonna need it.
You know, your new schedule
about six nights off and one night on?
- Mm-hmm.
- This is your night on.
I'm not gonna get 20 bucks
lookin' like this.
Fifteen, I figured.Just get me enough
for a stake in a poker game.
- Well, hello there, little darlin'.
- Got a minute?
I got a minute,
and I got the place too.
- Stayin' in town long?
- Live here.
- What did you say your name was?
- Cooper.
Well, you're a mighty
handsome fella, Mr. Cooper.
That's what they tell me.
Well now, little darlin'.
Well, aren't you gonna pull down
your trousers and take off your shoes?
That sounds like a hell
of an idea to me, little lady.
It's better this way, Mr. Cooper.
One of us would've hated it.
Come on.
That was fast. No wonder
you make 40,000 a night.
Now how about you
going into your act?
Come on. I may need you.
Now get this straight.
You come in about
five minutes after me.
Just wait right over here now.
I'll be in the game by then.
- Two dollars.
- Whiskey.
Your two and three more.
All right.
Your three and five more.
Get your hands off me,
you drunken bum!
What do you think I am? You
lousy, good-for-nothin' drunk!
I'm a lady!
And a high-priced one too!
- Come on, relax.
All right, stranger.
Let's see 'em.
- Full house, aces over kings.
- Yeah, that beats me.
Well, thank you, gentlemen.
As the saying goes...
"The race is not always to the swift,
nor the battle to the strong...
- but that's the way to bet."
- Did somebody drop that?
- You dropped that.
- Hold that.
- Shit.
Hey, Sleeping Beauty.
Come on, come on.
- Got the hundred?
- Yeah, yeah. Come on. Hurry up.
Would ya hurry up,
for heaven's sake!
Eighty, 90, 1 00. Okay.
Hey, where'd you go?
Just gimme the bag.
What's all this? What's
going on here? What's at stake?
Nothing just my life.
Give me the bag.
That oughta be worth
at least another 1 0.
Oh, crooks.
Everybody's a crook. Here.
Now give me the bag!
What do we do now,
Well, they gotta be here.
Let's check the hotels.
See the lady gets a stage
to Salt Lake, okay?
There he is!
Don't let him get away!
- Come on!
- Let's go! Come on!
There she is, Sheriff.
There's the whore that rolled me.
Get up, ya clumsy bum!
You're makin' a fool of yourself!.
There he is!
Don't let him get away!
Come on,you guys!
Malloy! Malloy, help me!
- Malloy!
- Whoa!
- I've seen guys do this a million times...
but the horse always helps!
What'd you come back for?
If I knew, I'd probably
have myself put away.
- Where do we go now?
- I don't know.
- You don't know?
- No.
What about them?
They're not fussy.
They'll go anywhere we go.
Come on.
Look around.
They gotta be here somewhere.
Welcome. Are you with
the bride's family or the groom?
- Bride's.
- Groom.
- Uh, both, both.
- Both.
You put this on.
Let me have your hat, please.
- What?
- Thank you. A very nice gift.
The children would like it.
Oh, no.
It would be better if it
was new, but thank you.
- That-That's not a gift.
- Shh, shh.
Joshua Partner, you've had the mazel
to find a wonderful girl like Addie.
You should both live
and be well to 1 20 years...
and you should have naches
from your children.
- [ALL] Amen.
- You should be healthy and strong.
- Amen.
- You should have a good crop every year.
You should grow barley
and corn and potatoes...
and tomatoes, turnips and onions
and radishes and a pickle.
- Amen.
- You should wear warm underwear in the rain.
- You shouldn't catch cold, God forbid.
- Amen.
And God should protect you from rustlers
and claim jumpers, the dirty bastards.
Please put the ring
on the bride's finger.
I now pronounce you
man and wife.
- Mazel tov.
- [ALL] Mazel tov!
Psst, Blackjack. Blackjack.
Malloy, they're coming.
Do something!
- Mazel tov, kids!
- Amen. Amen.
Amen. Amen.
We're lookin' for them two survivors
of that coach wreck yesterday.
Ain't seen 'em since last night.
- Think they left town?
- Couldn't have without I seen 'em.
Ain't no one gone by except an old Indian and
Jim the stable boy and those Horowitz kids.
Horowitz kids? Well, how come
we just seen them and their folks...
down in the hotel havin'
a prenuptial breakfast?
Well, you couldn't have.
I tell you I seen 'em last night.
Come a-rumblin' outta here in a brand-new
rig, two horses in front and one in the back.
What was the color
of the one in the back?
- It was black.
- Any particular markings?
- Had a big "21 " on its ass.
- Ah, damn it!
Let's go! Come on! Damn it!
- Holy geez!
You dumb idiot!
Now we got no horses!
I thought you were asleep! What are you
foolin' around with guns for in the afternoon?
I knew I couldn't miss.
Either way I had to hit a snake.
- Aah!
Maybe she got him or he got her.
Listen to that noise. You can still
hear the whole damn thing.
I don't care. It's better
than bein' bit by a snake, isn't it?
How do I know till I try it?
Blackjack, come on!
Come on. Don't go to sleep now.
You told the whole world where
they can come and take my $40,000.
Oh, Malloy.
You and your lousy money.
Come on.
- Looks like the end of the line.
- What the hell do we do now?
Don't worry. I'll think
of something. I always have.
Been in plenty of tight spots.
I always get out of' em on my own--
my own brain, my own guts,
the good sense that God gave me.
Got into them on my own.
Get out of' em on my own.
Got any ideas?
- No.
- Shit.
Hey, Charlie!
Come on, Blackjack.
Meet you downstream.
For God's sake, this time get it right.
- Tracks head out that way.
- Let's go.
Damned if this ain't pretty!
- Duchess?
- Hmm?
Do you wanna come over
by me right up close...
see if we can't enjoy
the view together?
- What you got in mind?
- Nothin'.
Swear to God, not a thing.
I just wanna lie here
and enjoy the quiet...
the river, the view, the sky...
trees, the leaves.
Maybe fool around a little.
I'll tell ya somethin', Malloy.
You're full of crap...
but you're irresistible.
Duchess, Duchess,
I know I'm full of crap.
I know it. You know it.
So why'd you come over here?
Well, last night when I was in the
street and you came back to get me...
why'd you do it?
I don't know.
I don't either.
I don't even care, Malloy.
I'm just awful glad you did.
Oh, it's never been
like this, Charlie. Never.
I know, Duchess.
My whole body's trembling.
My knees are weak, and
I hear a roaring in my ears.
You know, Duchess,
I can almost hear it too.
- [SCREAMS] Char-- Charlie, I can't--
- Hey, what are you doin'?
Will you stop it! You're rocking
the boat! [SCREAMING]
[SCREAMS] Charlie!
Charlie, help! Oh, my God!
Oh, that's cold.
Get the money!
- The money!
- Charlie, I can't--
Where's my hat?
Do you see my hat?
You sure this is mine?
- What are you doing now?
- I'm goin' for the money!
- I can't swim!
- Neither can the money!
You bastard!
- Whoa.
I think we're all right now.
I think we're through it.
Charlie, hold me!
Ooh, I can't see.
I can't see. [GRUNTS]
I can't see where I'm going!
Don't worry. I'll tell you all about it
when we get there. There.
Easy. Oh!
Easy. Oh!
Ooh. Eee!
We made it, Duchess.
Look at that view.
Isn't it somethin'?
- I'd say it's spectacular.
- I'd say it stinks.
You're not lookin'
at what I'm lookin' at.
And you're not lookin'
at what I'm lookin' at.
Hi, fellas.
- The money, Malloy.
- What money?
Oh, the money!
Sorry, fellas. Do you think
it's still good? It's wet.
I guess it'll dry off.
- Blow their heads off.
- Nah, I got a better idea.
Your ideas stink, Bloodworth.
Hey, let's hear it.
The man's got a right to talk.
"Let's hear it anyway.
The man's got a right to talk." Idiot.
I supposed you'd have liked it
better with my head blown off.
Not your head,just your mouth.
- You okay, Charlie?
- Never had it so good.
- But, Charlie--
- Shut up.
- I told you to shut up.
What are you doing?
Whistling for Blackjack.
If I can't hear you,
how's he going to?
- Oh, be quiet.
- Now what's the matter?
- We're all through, Charlie.
We are not.
Jesus, you are something!
You're some chickenshit person,
you are, the way you give up this easy.
Don't yell at me.
I am hot, and I'm miserable...
and I'm being baked to death.
And I'm not chickenshit.
I'm-- I'm just scared.
- Don't cry, Duchess.
I can't help it.
Well, I'll tell ya one thing.
I've been around plenty.
I seen 'em come
and I seen 'em go...
and you're about as first-class
a whore as I ever come across.
Oh, boy, that's life for ya.
A girl has to die before anybody
says anything nice about her.
Charlie, I told you to stop it.
He's not gonna hear you.
- [MAN] There's a man down there!
- Somebody did.
Over there.
How about this for luck?
Somethin' mighty peculiar.
Well, Cleopatra...
now what do we have here?
- Oh, thank God.
- We're mighty grateful, partner.
What do you think, Cleopatra?
Looks like a couple of city folks.
I wonder what they're doin' out here.
What do you think we're doin' out here?
We're tied to the goddamn stake.
That's what we're doin'.
- [MALLOY] Friend, the ropes.
- You see this here dress?
That's exactly the sort of thing
I had in mind for you.
Simple, basic black. No sequins.
Hey! Hey, fruitcake,
it's hot down here!
Shh, shh. You gotta know
how to treat these characters.
Sir, would you unloosen the ropes?
I like you better in solids than plaid.
And black--
Oh, it's definitely you.
Well, Cleopatra, time to be movin' on.
No, you're not gonna leave us!
Hey, come back, you lousy fruitcake!
Aren't they a handsome couple
though, Cleopatra?
But you'll be part of a handsome couple
yourself one of these days.
Right quick, 'cause this is your season.
But don't you disgrace me now.
You make sure he's someone
I can be proud of.
Oh, Charlie, you stupid bungler.
You can't whistle,
and he can't hear you.
Don't worry. He can hear.
Look! Look at this!
Here he comes.
Look at that! There he goes!
Hey, come back! Come back here--
Come back here,
you horny bastard!
Can you imagine a horse
being that horny?
Only if he's yours.
If you can't help, shut up.
Charlie, I think I can help.
Here. Here.
Can you get that?
What do you want me
to do with it?
Try to open it up
and get the lorgnettes out.
- What the hell for?
- Just do what I tell ya.
Come on.
Now what do you got?
Just the family crest.
Come on!
You haven't got a ham
sandwich in here, have you?
Oh, Charlie, shut up
and do what I tell ya.
I think I got it.
Where are they? Huh?
Oh, great. Here.
- You got it?
- Yeah. Great.
Are you gonna do some reading?
Oh, shut your face. Watch.
- See? Didn't I tell ya?
- Yes, okay.
You gettin' up?
Come on.
Come on. Get up. Up! Up!
Hey, Charlie! Come here!
Salt Lake City.
Duchess, do you think maybe--
you think maybe you don't
wanna go to Salt Lake?
- Why wouldn't I?
- I don't know.
Seems a shame
to break up a good team.
- Charlie.
- Mean it, Duchess?
Sure. We still got a lot
of foolin' around to do.
Duchess. Duchess!
- You know somethin'?
A man's gotta know
what he wants in his life.
- Ain't that right, Duchess?
- Sure, Charlie.
And a man's gotta fight for what
he wants. Ain't that right?
Sure, Charlie.
That's why I'm goin' back
and get my money.
I stole it fair and square,
and nobody's gonna take it.
Wait. Wait.
The money doesn't matter.
It's all different now. We've got each
other. You made me feel like a woman.
Yeah, well, now I'm gonna make you
feel like a woman with $40,000.
You are one stupid son of a bitch!
You are one crazy, demented idiot!
There's gonna be no livin' with you
without that goddamn money...
so let's go get it!
I'm not crazy about our odds,
Duchess, but I like the company.
Climb aboard.
- Here. Put this in the saddlebag.
- What is it?
Nothing.Just a little dynamite
and some black powder.
How'd you find out
about this place?
Played poker here once.
Had to leave in a hurry.
- Had two aces of spades.
- Figures.
Shh, shh. Easy.
Quiet. I see one of them.
I may know him.
I never forget a face.
Let's get to work.
- You know what to do?
- I hope you do.
- Yeah.
- Here, don't sit on this.
Good-bye, Duchess. Thank you.
Come on, Blackjack.
And remember that's not a cigar
you got in your mouth.
The barn's on fire! Come on!
Form a bucket brigade!
I'll pump. Come on! Come on!
Hurry up! Hurry up, boys!
Come on! Come on!
- Get some water here!
I'm pumpin' as fast as I can.
- Holy shit!
Someone's in there.
Go around the back. It's Dirtwater!
There he goes!
- There he is!
- All right, mount up! Come on, boys!
Come on!
Here we come, Duchess!
- You okay?
- Yeah, I'm okay.
- How about you?
- Okay.
- You just shot a man, Malloy.
- Tough shit!
- How many men you shot dead in your life?
- Including that one?
- Yeah.
- One.
I think we're safe.
You thought taking the money
was gonna be a cinch too.
Taking the money was a cinch.
It's keepin' it that's gettin' to be
a pain in the ass.
- Come on.
- God, Charlie. Oh, my God, you're hurt.
- Is there much pain?
- It don't even hurt!
What, do you think I fall apart
with one lousy, little bullet?
How many times you been
hit by bullets, Malloy?
Including this one?
- Yeah.
- Once. Come on.
Thanks, sweetheart.
- Cut 'em off that way.
- Got it.
- Oh, poor Blackjack.
- Hope he didn't feel nothin'.
Come on! Let's get outta here!
Come on!
- Come on!
You know, you're really
somethin', Duchess.
We're gonna make it
to Salt Lake, get you fixed up.
I can't, Duchess.
But you go on. I can't move.
Oh, yes, you can, you lazy,
no-good son of a bitch.
Come on.
Get up off your butt.
Oh, Duchess, please.
Let me enjoy my last
few minutes in peace.
All right. If you wanna go ahead and die
like some chickenshit loser, then just do it!
- Die, for Christ's sake!
- I'm tryin' to, if you'd just shut up.
Charlie? Charlie, look.
You forgot something.
The loot. The money.
Come here, Duchess.
Close to me.
I want to feel both of you.
Lived a lot of years...
lots of tight spots...
but I always talked
or kissed my way out of' em.
I know, Charlie. You told me.
I was gettin' into
a tight spot with you.
I was gonna ask you to marry me.
Well, I sure as hell found a way out.
Duchess. Duchess.
How many times you been in love?
- Includin' this time?
- Mm-hmm.
Sure charmed the ass right off you,
Duchess. You know what I mean?
I know what you mean.
What a way to go--
rich and charming.
You may go charming, Malloy,
but you'll never go rich.
[GROANING] What the hell
are you talking about?
Just that you've blown
the big one, Malloy.
Stop, for God's sake!
- And I'm gonna have myself a time.
- Wait. That's still my money.
- Not yours. Mine. You're dead.
- Oh, wait! Wait!
What for?
You just told me I could go.
I was hysterical.
That-That's $40,000.
And it's all mine. I'm gonna knock
Salt Lake City ass over tin cup.
You dirty, two-bit hustler!
Come back here! That's my money!
Get up off your two bowlegged
pins if you want it and come get it.
I can't walk! I got a bullet
in my chest, a bullet in my arm...
and you're giving me
one pain in the ass!
Stop! You hear me?
- And them I'm gonna get on a boat--
- You cheap hooker!
Come on!
Get up,you lazy bum!
Get up on your two feet
and come and get it!
Come on,you good-for-nothing!
Get up!
Come on! Give me my money!
You nickel hooker!
That's my money!
It's my money now! I'm
gonna have myself...