Duck Soup (1933) Movie Script

- Mrs. Teasdale...
- Yes, your Excellency?
I again ask you to reconsider.
Gentlemen, I've already loaned Freedonia
more than half the fortune my husband left me.
I consider that money lost. And now
you're asking for another $20 million.
But it would only be for a few months
to meet this present emergency.
With $20 million
in the treasury,
we can announce an immediate
reduction in the taxes.
That's all of the people
are asking for.
I'm sorry, but I'm inclined
to agree with the people.
- The government has been mismanaged.
- What?
I will lend the money but only on condition
that his Excellency withdraw
and place the government
in new hands.
- You ask me to give up my office?
- Yes, your Excellency.
In a crisis like this,
I feel Freedonia needs a new leader,
a progressive,
fearless fighter!
- A man like Rufus T. Firefly!
- Rufus T. Firefly?
I will lend the money to Freedonia
only if Firefly is appointed leader.
The honorable Secretary
of Finance and Party.
His Excellency, Ambassador
Trentino of Sylvania.
- Ambassador.
- Mrs. Teasdale.
It was so good
of you to come.
I'm anxious for you
to meet the new leader of our country.
No matter who rules in Freedonia,
Mrs. Teasdale, to me
you will always be
the first lady of the land.
Oh, permit me.
This is Miss Vera Marcal.
- Ambassador Trentino.
- Miss Marcal needs no introduction,
I've seen her dance
many times at the theater.
Thank you.
The honorable
Pandooh of Mifhtan.
I must greet
his honor.
- What have you found out?
- Nothing, I've been waiting to hear from you.
I've given up the idea
of a revolution. I have a better plan.
I can gain control of Freedonia
much easier by marrying Mrs. Teasdale.
Maybe that's not going
to be so easy.
Oh, from what I hear, you see, Mrs. Teasdale
is rather sweet on this Rufus T. Firefly.
Oh well, that's where you come in.
I'm going to place him in your hands.
And I don't have to tell you
what to do or how to... careful.
I want you to meet his
Excellency's Secretary.
- Bob Roland. Ambassador Trentino.
- How do you do, sir?
- Miss Marcal.
- We've met.
I hope his Excellency
gets here soon.
His Excellency makes it a point
always to be on time.
As long as I've known him,
he's never been late for an appointment.
His Excellency is due
to take his station
Beginning his new
He'll make his appearance
The clock on the wall
strikes ten
When the clock on the wall
strikes ten
All you loyal ladies
and you patriotic men
Let's sing the
national anthem when
The clock on the wall
strikes ten
His Excellency is due
to take his station
Beginning his new
He'll make his appearance
The clock on the wall
strikes ten
We'll give him
a rousing cheer
To show him
we're glad he's here
Hail, hail Freedonia
Hail, hail Freedonia
Land of the brave
and free
Hail, hail Freedonia
Land of the brave
and free
Hail, hail Freedonia
Land of the brave
and free
- You expecting somebody?
- Yes.
Hail, hail Freedonia
Land of the brave
and free
Oh, your Excellency,
we've been expecting you.
As chairwoman
of the reception committe,
I extend the good wishes of
every man, woman and child of Freedonia.
Never mind that stuff.
Take a card.
- Card? What'll I do with a card?
- You can keep it. I've got 51 left.
- Now what were you saying?
- As chairwoman of the reception committe,
- I welcome you with open arms.
- Is that so? How late do you stay open?
I've sponsored your
appointment because I feel you are
- the most able statesman in all Freedonia.
- Well, that covers a lot of ground.
Say, you cover a lot
of ground yourself. You'd better beat it.
I hear they're gonna tear you down
and put up an office building where you're standing.
You can leave in a taxi.
If you can't get a taxi, you can leave in a huff.
If that's too soon, you can
leave in a minute and a huff.
You know, you haven't
stopped talking since I came.
You must have been vaccinated
with a phonograph needle.
The future of Freedonia
rests on you.
Promise me you'll follow
in the footsteps of my husband.
How do you like that?
I haven't been on the job five minutes
and already she's making
advances to me.
- Not that I care but, where is your husband?
- Why... he's dead.
I'll bet he's just using that
as an excuse.
- I was with him 'til the very end.
- Mmmh, no wonder he passed away.
I held him in my arms
and kissed him.
Oh, I see.
Then it was murder!
Will you marry me? Did he leave you any money?
Answer the second question first.
- He left me his entire fortune.
- Is that so?
Can't you see what I'm
trying to tell you? I love you!
- Oh, your Excellency!
- You're not so bad yourself.
Oh, I want to present you
Ambassador Trentino of Sylvania.
Having him with us today is
indeed a great pleasure.
- Thank you, but I can't stay very long.
- That's even a greater pleasure.
Now how about lending this
country $20 million, you old skinflint?
$20 million is a lot of money.
I'd have to take that up with my Minister of Finance.
Well, in the meantime,
could you let me have $12 until payday?
- $12?
- Don't be scared. You'll get it back.
I'll give you my personal note
for 90 days.
If it isn't paid by then,
you can keep the note.
Your Excellency, haven't we seen
each other somewhere before?
I don't think so. I'm not sure
I'm seeing you now. Must be something I ate.
- Look here Sir! Are you trying to...
- Don't look now...
but there's one man too many
in this room, and I think it's you.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
- I want you to meet a very charming lady.
- And it's about time.
Just a moment!
I want to present
Miss Vera Marcal.
- Go ahead. I can take it.
- Oh, you don't understand.
- This is Vera Marcal, the famous dancer.
- Is that so?
Can you do this one?
I danced before
No, napoleon danced before me.
In fact, he danced 200 years before me.
Here's one I picked up
in a dance hall.
Here's another one I
picked up in a dance hall.
Perhaps sometime we get
a chance to dance together, huh?
I could dance with you
'til the cows come home.
On second thought, I'd rather dance with
the cows 'til you come home.
- Where is my secretary?
- Here I am.
Good heavens, your Excellency!
- Take a letter.
- Who to?
To my dentist.
"Dear dentist, enclosed
find check for $500. Yours very truly."
Send it off immediately!
- I'll have to enclose the check first.
- You do and I'll fire you.
Your Excellency,
the eyes of the world are upon you.
Notables from every country
are gathered here in your honor.
This is a gala day for you.
Well, a gal a day is enough for me.
I don't think I could handle any more.
If it's not asking too much...
For our information,
just for illustration
Tell us how you intend
to run the nation
These are the laws
of my administration
No one's allowed to smoke
or tell a dirty joke
And whistling
is forbidden
We're not allowed
to tell a dirty joke
Hail, hail Freedonia
If chewing gum is chewed
the chewer is pursued
And in the hoosegow hidden
If we choose to chew
we'll be pursued
If any form of pleasure
is exhibited
Report to me and
it will be prohibited
I'll put my foot down
so shall it be
This is the land
of the free
The last man nearly ruined this place,
he didn't know what to do with it
If you think this country's bad off now
just wait 'til I get through with it
The country's taxes must be fixed
and I know what to do with it
If you think you're paying too much now
just wait 'til I get through with it
I will not stand for anything
that's crooked or unfair
I'm strictly on the up and up
so everyone beware
If anyone's caught taking graft
and I don't get my share
We stand 'em up against the wall
and pop goes the weasel
So everyone beware
who's crooked or unfair
No one must take a bit of graft
unless he gets his share
If any man should come between
a husband and his bride
We find out which one she prefers
by letting her decide
If she prefers the other man
the husband steps outside
We stand 'em up against the wall
and pop goes the weasel
The husband steps outside
relinquishes his bride
They stand him up against the wall
and take away his bride
You have an appointment
at the House of Representatives.
Good heavens!
You can't go with your trousers up!
I can't, eh?
Well, they'll never catch me any other way.
- My car!
- His Excellency's car!
His Excellency's car!
His Excellency's car!
I'm in a hurry. To the House
of Representatives. Ride like fury.
If you run out of gas, get ethyl.
If Ethel runs out, get Mabel.
Now step on it!
Well, it certainly feels good
to be back again.
- I have failed, ambassador.
- I know it, I know it, you idiot!
- I'm sorry.
- You have muddled everything.
If you'd started the revolution
as I planned, you in the turmoil,
I could've stepped in and placed Freedonia
under the Sylvanian flag, our flag.
But Firefly blocked us!
Your Excellency, you have no idea
how popular he is in Freedonia.
I've known of that too!
That's why I have two spies
shadowing him.
I want to find out something about him,
something to disgrace him,
to discredit him
with the people.
Ambassador, Chicolini
and Pinky are here.
Now, these are my spies.
Show them in. Wait outside.
We fool you good, eh?
what is this?
Shh! This is spy stuff.
- Telegram for you, sir.
- Oh.
- He gets mad because he can't read.
- Oh, I see.
Well, gentlemen, we have
serious matters to discuss.
- Please be seated.
- Rock-a-bye
Gentlemen, gentlemen!
Now about that information...
Wait, wait, wait, wait here, have a cigar.
That's a good quarter cigar.
- I smoked the other three quarters myself.
- Yes. No, thank you, I have one of my own.
Here, try one of these!
Hey, that's a no good.
That's a good!
That's-a fine.
That's a good.
Now let's concentrate.
Have you been trailing Firefly?
Have we been trailing Firefly.
Why, my partner, he's got
a nose just like a bloodhound.
Yeah, and the rest of his face
don't look so good either.
Well, we find out all
about this Firefly.
- Here, look at this.
- Ah, very good, very good!
Wait a minute.
We must not be disturbed.
- Yes, sir?
- This is a very important conference.
- I do not wish to be interrupted.
- Yes, sir.
Uh-uh, uh-uh!
Gentlemen, we are not
getting anywhere.
You're out!
Now gentlemen, please!
Will you tell me what you
found out about Firefly?
Well, you remember you gave us
a picture of this man and said "follow him"?
Oh yes.
Well, we get on the job right away.
- And in a one hour, even a less than a one hour,
- Yes?
We lose a the pictch.
That's-a pretty quick work, eh?
But I asked you to dig up
something I can use against Firefly.
Did you bring me his record?
No, no!
And the boy gets-a cigar.
Now Chicolini, I want a full detailed
report of your investigation.
All right, I tell you. Monday, we watch-a
Firefly's house, but he no come out.
He wasn't home.
Tuesday, we go to the ball game,
but he fool us. He no show up.
Wednesday, he go to the ball game,
but we fool him! We no show up.
Thursday was a double-header,
nobody show up.
Friday, it rained all day.
There was a no ball game.
So we stayed home
and we listened to it on-a the radio.
Then you didn't
shadow Firefly!
Oh, sure we shadow Firefly.
We shadow him all day.
- But what day was that?
- "Shaderday"!
That's-a some joke,
huh, boss?
- Will you tell me, what happened on Saturday?
- I'm glad you asked me.
We follow this man
down to a road house.
- And at this road house he meet a married lady.
- A married lady?
- Yeah, I think it was his wife.
- Firefly has no wife!
- No?
- No!
- Then you know what I think?
- What?
I think we followed
the wrong man.
Oh, gentlemen,
I am disappointed.
I entrusted you with a mission
of great importance and you failed.
However, I am going to
give you one more chance.
I have credentials here that will get you
into any place in Freedonia.
If I can only...
Ah, here we are.
Are you sure that
you can trap Firefly?
Remember, this time I expect results.
- Good-bye and good luck.
- Okay, cap.
- Come on, Pinky.
- Good-bye.
All right, the meeting's
called to order.
Your Excellency,
here's the Treasury Department's report.
I hope you'll
find it clear.
Clear? Huh! Why a four-year-old child
could understand this report.
Run out and find me a four-year-old child.
I can't make head or tail out of it.
And now, members of the cabinet,
we'll take up old business.
- I wish to discuss the tariff.
- Sit down, that's new business.
No old business? Very well,
then we'll take up new business.
- Now about that tariff.
- Too late! That's old business already. Sit down.
- Gentlemen, as your Secretary of War, I...
- The Secretary of War is out of order!
Which reminds me,
so is the plumbing. Make a note of that.
Never mind,
I'll do it myself.
The Department of Labor
wishes to report
that the workers of Freedonia
are demanding shorter hours.
Very well, we'll give them
shorter hours.
We'll start by cutting their
lunch hour to 20 minutes.
And now, gentlemen, we've
got to start looking for a new Treasurer.
- But you appointed one last week!
- That's the one I'm looking for.
Gentlemen, gentlemen, enough of this.
How about taking up the tax?
- How about taking up the carpet?
- I still insist we must take up the tax!
It's right, you've got to take up
the "tacks" before you can take up the carpet.
I give all my time and energy to my duties
and what do I get?
- You get awfully tiresome after a while.
- Sir, you try my patience.
I don't mind if I do. You must come over
and try mine sometime.
That's the last straw! I resign!
I wash my hands of the whole business.
That's a good idea.
You can wash your neck, too.
Hey, come here!
Just the guy
I wanna see.
What do you find out
about this guy Firefly?
You find out-a something?
You no find out-a something?
You spy on him?
You no spy on him?
What's-a matter?
All the time I talk to you, you no say-a nothing.
What's-a matter
you no speak, eh?
Stop-a this! What-a you find, eh?
What-a you find?
That's-a no good!
Hey, come here. You're a crazy.
What's the matter with you?
Why you make a face like-a this?
What's the matter with you?
Ah, come on, you wanna fight, huh?
You wanna fight?
Come on,
I give you fight.
Hey, upstairs this time,
no downstairs!
Come on.
What you think you are, eh?
Hey, what's the idea
of fighting in front of my place
- and driving my customers away?
- Hey mister, you got a mistake-a someplace.
I no fight. You understand,
this guy he's-a working for me.
I ask-a something,
and he no tell-a me nothing.
I ask-a why he no speak,
all the time he no speak.
What do you think he do?
He make-a fight-a go like this.
Hey, what's the idea?
That's-a not my idea,
that's-a his idea.
All time I say something,
he no say nothing.
- Every time I say...
- Will you shut up!
Hey listen, what are you
doing around here?
Who are you?
Hey, can't you say...
can't you say anything?
- No! He no say nothing, he...
- Aw, shut up!
I am-a shut up,
but mister you no understand.
Look, he's a spy and I'm a spy.
He work-a for me.
I want him to find out something
but he no find out what I wanna find out.
How am I gonna find out
what I wanna find out...
- If he no find out what I gotta find out?
- Will you quit annoying me?
All right, I quit. All you gotta do
is make him stop doing this.
Now just for that I'm gonna
tear you limb from limb, limb from limb!
You'd think...
You see, I no say one thing, mister,
before when you... No, no.
Haven't I...
Oh! Now,
now I'm gonna get you!
What are
you doing?
Why, you...
- I'll teach you to kick me!
- You don't have to teach me. I know how.
Stop it now.
Look out!
- Ohhh!
- That's-a good, eh?
You wanna be a public nuisance?
Sure, how much
does the job pay?
I've got a good mind to join a club
and beat you over the head with it.
Peanuts... to you!
- Have you got a license?
- License?
No, but-a my dog,
he's gotta millions of 'em.
Believe me,
he's some smart dog.
You know he went
with Admiral Byrd to the Pole.
I'll bet the dog
got to the pole first.
Come on up here.
I wanna scare the cabinet.
Hello? Hello?
No, no, he's not in.
All right, I tell him.
That was for you.
I'm sorry I'm not in.
I want to have a long talk with you.
Now listen here.
You give up that silly peanut stand
and I'll get you
a soft government job.
Now let's see, how would you like
a job in the Mint?
No, no. I no like-a mint.
What other flavor you got?
Hello? Hello?
No, not yet.
All right, I tell him.
Good-bye. Thank you.
- That was for you again.
- I wonder whatever became of me.
I should have been back here
a long time ago.
Now listen here,
I've got a swell job for you,
but first I have to ask you
a couple of important questions.
Now, what is it that has
four pair of pants,
lives in Philadelphia,
and it never rains
but it pours?
That's a good one.
I give you three guesses.
Now let me see, has four pair of pants,
lives in Philadelphia...
- Is it male or female?
- No, I don't think so.
- Is he dead?
- Who?
- I don't know. I give up!
- I give up too.
Now I ask you another one.
What is it got
big black-a moustache,
smokes a big black cigar,
and he's a big pain
in the neck?
Don't tell me.
Has a big black moustache,
smokes a big black cigar,
and is a big pain in the...
- Does he wear glasses?
- That's right. You guess it quick.
- Just for that, you don't get the job
I was gonna give you.
- What job?
- Secretary of War!
- All right, I take it.
- Sold!
You know, I'd be lost
without a telephone.
Hey, don't go away,
I wanna talk to you.
Now, where were we? Oh, yes!
Now that you're Secretary of War,
what kind of an army
do you think we oughta have?
Well, I tell you what I think.
I think we should have a standing army.
Why should we have
a standing army?
Because then we save
money on chairs!
Say, who are you anyway?
I don't go in much
for modern art.
Have you got anything
by one of the old masters?
Not bad.
You don't happen to have
her telephone number?
Say, you could be
a big help to me.
Where do you live?
Well, it's not much of a place,
but it's home.
Well, I know one thing,
I bet you haven't got
a picture of my grandfather.
Uh-uh! Not now!
Some other time.
- Your Excellency?
- Quiet!
This letter's the work
of Trentino.
The man is trying to undermine you.
Now, what are you gonna do about it?
I've got a good mind to
ring his doorbell and run.
We've got to get rid
of that man at once. I've got a plan.
You say something to make
him mad and he'll strike you!
And we force him
to leave the country.
That's a swell plan. Why couldn't you
arrange for me to strike him?
Ambassador Trentino is a very sensitive man.
Perhaps if you insult him...
He's very easy to insult.
Why, I said something to Vera Marcal
in his presence and he slapped my face.
- Why didn't Vera slap your face?
- She did.
What'd you say to her?
You oughta be ashamed of yourself.
- Where'd you hear that story?
- You told it to me.
Oh yes!
I remember.
I should've slapped
Mrs. Teasdale's face when she told it to me.
- Where is Trentino?
- At Mrs. Teasdale's tea party.
- Was I invited?
- No.
Take a letter!
"You are cordially invited
to attend my tea party."
Sign Mrs. Teasdale's name
and tell her I accept.
Come on, let's go.
I've got an appointment
to insult Ambassador Trentino,
and I don't want to
keep him waiting! Step on it!
This is the fifth trip I've made today
and I haven't been anywhere yet.
You don't seem to be making
much progress with Mrs. Teasdale, huh?
How can I? Every time I get her in
the right mood to say "yes," Firefly pops in.
Well, this is your opportunity.
He won't be here today.
- Are you sure?
- Positive!
I helped Mrs. Teasdale
with the invitations.
His Excellency,
Rufus T. Firefly!
Hail, hail Freedonia
Land of the brave
and free
Gloria, I waited for years.
I can't be put off any longer.
I love you, I want you!
Can't you see I'm at your feet?
When you get through with her feet,
you can start on mine.
If that isn't an insult,
I don't know what is.
Gloria, I love you.
I realize how lonely you are.
Can't we go someplace
where we can be by ourselves?
What can this mug offer you?
Wealth and family?
I can't give you wealth, but...
we can have a little family of our own.
Oh, Rufus!
All I can offer you is
a "roof-us" over your head.
Your Excellency, I really
don't know what to say.
I wouldn't know what to say either
if I was in your place.
Maybe you can
suggest something.
As a matter of fact, you do suggest something.
To me you suggest a baboon.
I'm sorry I said that.
It isn't fair to the rest of the baboons.
This man's conduct
is inexcusable!
- Gentlemen! Gentlemen!
- I did not come here to be insulted!
- That's what you think.
- You swine!
- Come again?
- You worm!
- Once more.
- You upstart!
That's it!
- Touche!
- Mrs. Teasdale, I'm afraid this regrettable
occurrence may plunge
our countries into war.
Oh, this is terrible!
I've said enough.
I'm a man of few words.
I'm a man of one word:
A man doesn't live who can
call a Firefly an upstart.
Why, the Mayflower was full of Fireflys...
and a few horseflies too.
The Fireflys were
on the upper deck
and the horseflies
were on the Fireflys.
- Good day, my sweet.
- Oh, your Excellency, I must speak to you!
I'll see you at the theater tonight.
I'll hold your seat 'til you get there.
- After you get there, you're on your own.
- His Excellency's car!
His Excellency's car!
No, no, you don't.
I'm not taking any more chances.
You can only fool a Firefly twice.
This time you ride in the sidecar.
This is the only way to travel.
Hey, Pinky,
come here.
Watch-a the stand.
Come on, Pastrami, come on.
Hey what's...
What's the matter?
Mrs. Teasdale, I deeply regret
the unfortunate affair with his Excellency,
but his attitude left me
no alternative.
- Maybe we can still avoid this terrible war.
- Oh, if we only could.
- Oh yes, I do...
- Ah!
Mrs. Teasdale, I have been
recalled by my president.
- Then it's too late?
- Not if his Excellency will listen to reason.
I am prepared to pocket my pride
and forget about the whole matter... if he is.
Ambassador, that's wonderful of you,
but I'm afraid his Excellency won't hear of it.
Oh, perhaps he will listen to you!
- Do you think so?
- Yes, of course!
I'll call him.
I hate to disturb you,
I know you're a very busy man,
but I must see you at once.
Where are you?
Why not come over here?
Come in the back way. No one will see you.
Well, if you think of it,
bring some cheese.
But your Excellency,
you must come over.
It's a long story.
I can't tell it to you over the phone.
Oh, it's that kind
of a story!
You oughta be ashamed of yourself.
I'll be right over.
He'll be right over. Perhaps you'd better wait outside
until I've had a chance to talk to him.
Very well, we'll be out here
if you want us.
- Oh!
- How'd you get in here?
Oh your Excellency, I'm so sorry
to have to disturb you!
- Will you ever forgive me?
- After I leave here tonight, will you forgive me?
Here are the plans of war.
They're as valuable as your life
and that's putting them pretty cheap.
Watch them like a cat watches her kittens.
Have you ever had kittens?
No, of course not.
You're too busy running around playing bridge.
Can't you see what I'm trying
to tell you? I love you.
- Why don't you marry me?
- Why, marry you?
You take me
and I'll take a vacation.
I'll need a vacation
if we're going to get married.
Married! I can see you right now
in the kitchen, bending over a hot stove,
but I can't see the stove.
Come, come! Say the word
and you'll never see me again!
Rufus, what are
you thinking of?
Oh, I was just thinking of all the years
I've wasted collecting stamps.
Oh, I suppose you'll think me
a sentimental old fluff, but...
would you mind giving me a lock of your hair?
- A lock of my hair?
Oh, I had no idea...
I'm letting you off easy.
I was gonna ask for the whole wig.
So you've come to ask
for clemency?
Your Excellency, the Ambassador's here
on a friendly visit. He's had a change of heart.
A lot of good that'll do him.
He's still got the same face.
I'm sorry we lost our tempers.
I'm willing to forget if you are.
You ask me to forget?
A Firefly never forgets.
Why, my ancestors would rise from their
graves and I'd only have to bury them again.
Nothing doing! I'm going back and clean
the crackers out of my bed. I'm expecting company.
- Please wait.
- Let go of me, you bully!
I'm willing to do anything
to prevent this war.
It's too late. I've already paid
a month's rent on the battlefield.
Oh, your Excellency,
isn't there something I can do?
Yes, but I'll talk to you
about that later.
Won't you reconsider?
Please relent for my sake.
Well, maybe I am
a little headstrong,
but I come by it honestly.
My father was a little headstrong.
My mother was
a little armstrong.
The headstrongs married the armstrongs
and that's why darkies were born.
It was silly of me
to lose my temper...
On account of that
little thing you called me.
Little thing I called you?
What did I call you?
Gosh, I don't even
remember what it was.
- Well, do you mean "worm"?
- No, that wasn't it.
- I know, "swine."
- Uh-uh.
No, it was a
seven letter word.
- Oh yes, "upstart"!
- That's it. Upstart!
Mrs. Teasdale,
this man is impossible.
This is an outrage.
My course is clear. This means war!
- You runt!
- I still like upstart the best.
- I shan't stay here a minute longer.
- Go and never darken my towels again!
- My hat!
- My towel!
I happen to know...
that Freedonia's plans of war
are in Mrs. Teasdale's possession.
- I must get hold of them.
- Yes, but how?
We have a weekend guest
in Mrs. Teasdale's house.
Miss Marcal.
Now gentlemen, do you mind waiting for me
outside? I'll join you in a moment.
Excuse me.
Yes, I am alone.
No, not yet.
Vera, we've got to work fast.
You must get hold of those plans tonight.
Chicolini and his partner should be there any minute.
Do everything you can to help them.
But I must be very careful.
There is another guest in here for the weekend.
I don't know, I think he is asleep.
Ring the bell.
Push the button.
- You gotta the plans?
- No, but they're somewhere in the house,
and you must find them. Oh, for Heaven's sake,
whatever you do, don't make a sound.
- If you're found, you're lost.
- You craz', how can I be lost if I'm found?
Got a flashlight?
Shh! Shh!
You don't know how
serious this is.
If they catch you, you'll
be court-martialed and shot.
Oh, Vera!
I must go before
she looks for me.
Now remember, whatever you do,
don't make a sound.
You stay here, but keep quiet.
Remember what she said, if we get caught,
we're gonna get, uh, court-plastered.
Your Excellency,
I'm worried. I can't sleep.
What? You're worried?
You can't sleep?
That's fine, now you woke me up.
Now I can't sleep.
It's about those plans.
I won't rest until they're back in your hands.
Won't you please come over
and get them?
Oh, the plans.
Okay, I'll be right over.
Let me out!
Let me out!
Let me outta here!
Hey, let me outta here
or throw me a magazine!
So that's your game, hey?
I'll huff and I'll puff
and I'll blow your door in!
Come in.
Oh, your Excellency,
I'm so glad you've come.
I'm glad I come too.
You gotta the plans?
Why, your Excellency, you sound so strange.
Why are you talking like that?
Oh you see, maybe sometime
I go to Italy and I'm practicing the language.
I'll see my lawyer about this
as soon as he graduates from law school.
Your dialect is perfect.
I could listen to you all night.
That's all right,
but I can't stay here all night.
- Where's the plans?
- They're in the safe downstairs.
I'll write out the combination.
Oh, there you are.
Here's the combination.
Is that clear?
Is there anything else
you want to know?
What's the matter with you?
Have you lost your voice?
Let me get you a glass of water,
your Excellency.
Your Excellency,
here's your water!
What in the world
is the matter with...?
Your Excellency,
I thought you left.
- Oh no, I no leave.
- But I saw you with my own eyes.
Well, who you gonna believe,
me or your own eyes?
Your Excellency, I'm sorry,
but this excitement's too much for me.
- I feel faint.
- Wait, I get you a glass of water.
- How about my glass of water?
- I give up. How about your glass of water?
What's that?
- Sounds to me like mice.
- Mice? Mice don't play music.
No? How about the old maestro?
Get me headquarters.
Not hindquarters, headquarters.
Hello? Rush the guards right over to
Mrs. Teasdale's and have 'em surround the house.
His Excellency,
Rufus T. Firefly.
Hail, hail Freedonia
Land of the brave
and free
Why weren't the original indictment papers
placed in my portfolio?
Why eh... I didn't think those papers
were important at this time, your Excellency.
You didn't think
they were important?
You realize I had my dessert
wrapped in those papers?
Here, take this bottle back
and get two cents for it.
Hello, boss!
Chicolini, I bet you
eight to one we find you guilty.
That's-a no good.
I can get ten to one at the barbershop.
Chicolini, you're charged with high treason.
And if found guilty, you'll be shot.
- I object.
- Oh, you object!
- On what grounds?
- I couldn't think of anything else to say.
- Objection sustained.
- Your Excellency, you sustained the objection?
Sure, I couldn't think of anything else
to say either. Why don't you object?
Chicolini, when were you born?
I don't remember.
I was just a little baby.
Isn't it true you tried to sell
Freedonia's secret war code and plans?
Sure, I sold a code
and two pair of plans.
It's some joke, eh, boss?
Now I'll bet you twenty to one
we find you guilty.
Chicolini, have you anyone here
to defend you?
It's-a no use.
I even offered to pay as high as $18,
but I no could getta
somebody to defend me.
My friends, this man's
case moves me deeply.
Look at Chicolini,
he sits there alone.
- An abject figure.
- I "abject"!
I say, look at Chicolini,
he sits there alone, a pitiable object!
Let's see you get outta that one.
Surrounded by a sea of unfriendly faces!
Chicolini, give me
a number from one to ten!
- Eleven.
- Right!
Now I ask you one.
What is it has a trunk, but no key,
weighs 2,000 pounds
and lives in a circus?
- That's irrelevant.
- Irr-"elephant"?
Hey, that's the answer.
There's a whole lotta of irr-elephants in a circus.
That sort of testimony
we can eliminate!
- That's-a fine, I'll take some.
- You'll take what?
A "liminate", a nice,
cold glass-a lemonade.
Hey, boss,
I'm going good.
Gentlemen, Chicolini here
may talk like an idiot and look like an idiot.
But don't let that fool you.
He really is an idiot.
I implore you.
Send him back to his father and brothers
who are waiting for him
with open arms in the penitentiary.
I suggest that we give him ten years in Leavenworth
or eleven years in Twelveworth.
I tell you what I'll do.
I'll take five and ten in Woolworth.
I wanted to get a writ of Habeas Corpus,
but I should have gotten a-rid of you instead.
- I object.
- Even I object.
- Then I object too.
- You're on trial, you can't object.
Your Excellency,
general Cooper says
that the Sylvanian troops
are about to land on Freedonian soil.
- This means war!
- Something must be done.
War would mean a prohibitive
increase in our taxes.
Hey, I got an uncle lives in Texas.
No! I'm talking about
taxes, money, dollars.
Dallas! That's where
my uncle lives, Dallas, Texas!
More bad news.
- Didn't I tell you?
- Your Excellency.
- What's on your mind, babe?
- In behalf of the women of Freedonia,
I have taken it upon myself
to make one final effort to prevent war.
- No kidding?
- I've talked to Ambassador Trentino,
and he says Sylvania
doesn't want war either.
- "Either."
- Doesn't want war "either."
Either. Skip it.
I've taken the liberty of asking
the ambassador to come over here.
Because we both felt that a friendly
conference would settle everything peacefully.
He'll be here any moment.
Mrs. Teasdale,
you did a noble deed.
I'd be unworthy of the high trust
that's been placed in me
if I didn't do everything within my power to keep
our beloved Freedonia at peace with the world.
I'd be only too happy to
meet Ambassador Trentino
and offer him on behalf of my country
the right hand of good fellowship.
And I feel sure he will accept
this gesture in the spirit in which it is offered.
But suppose he doesn't.
A fine thing that'll be.
I hold out my hand and
he refuses to accept it.
That'll add a lot to
my prestige, won't it?
Me, the head of a country,
snubbed by a foreign ambassador!
Who does he think he is
that he can come here
and make a sap out of me
in front of my people?
Think of it.
I hold out my hand
and that hyena
refuses to accept it.
Why, the cheap
four-flushing swine!
He'll never get away with it, I tell you!
He'll never get away with it!
Oh, please!
So, you refuse to shake
hands with me, eh?
Mrs. Teasdale, this is the last straw!
There's no turning back now!
This means war!
Then it's war!
Then it's war!
Gather the forces!
Harness the horses!
Then it's war!
- Freedonia's going to war
- Each son will grab a gun
- And run away to war.
- At last we're going to
Feet will beat along
the street to war
- We're going to war
- Our country's going to war
- Our country's going to war
- The country's going to war
We're going to war
this is a fact we can't ignore
We're going to war, this is
a fact we can't ignore we're going to war
In case you haven't heard before
I think they think we're going to war
We're going to war
I think they think we're going to war
We're going to war
going to war
- We're going to war
- We're going to war
To war, to war
we're finally going to war
Hi-de, hi-de
hi-de, hi-de ho
To war, to war
to war we're gonna go
Hi-de, hi-de
hi-de, hi-de ho
Hi-de, hi-de
hi-de, hi-de ho
Hi-de, hi-de
hi-de, hi-de ho
Hi-de, hi-de
hi-de, hi-de ho
They got guns,
we got guns
All God's children
got guns
We're gonna walk all over
the battlefield
'Cause all God's
children got guns
Oh Freedonia
oh don't you cry for me
'Cause I'm coming 'round the mountain
with a banjo on my knee
Oh Freedonia
oh don't you cry for me
'Cause I'm coming
'round the mountain
with a banjo
on my...
To war, to war,
to war we're gonna go
To war, to war,
to war
To war, to war,
we soon will say good-bye
How we'll cry for Firefly
if Firefly should die.
A mighty man is he
A man of brawn who'll carry on
'til dawn of victory
With him to lead the way
our spirits will not lag
Until the judgment day
we'll rally 'round the flag
The flag, the flag,
the flag!
The enemy is coming! There'll be two lamps
in the steeple if they're coming by land
and one if they're coming by sea.
They double-crossed me.
They're coming by land and sea!
Ride through every village and town!
Wake every citizen up hill and down!
Tell 'em the enemy comes from afar
with a hey-nonny-nonny and a ha-cha-cha!
Be off, my lad!
My husband!
Hide in... hide in there!
Oh, don't.
- Freedonia's going to war!
- I'm gonna take a bath.
Clear all wires.
The enemy has captured hill 27 and 28.
Throwing 13 hillbillies
out of work.
Last night two snipers crept into
our machine-gun nest and laid an egg.
Send reinforcements immediately.
Send that off collect.
Your Excellency, our men
are being badly beaten in open warfare.
- I suggest we dig trenches.
- Dig trenches?
With our men being killed off like flies
there isn't time to dig trenches.
- We'll buy ready-made.
Here, run out and get some trenches.
- Yes, sir.
- Wait a minute, get 'em this high
and our soldiers won't need any pants.
- Yes, sir.
- Wait a minute, get 'em this high
and we won't need any soldiers.
- Yes, sir.
Chicolini, your partner's deserted us,
but I'm still counting on you.
There's a machine-gun nest near hill 28.
I want it cleaned out.
All right, I'll tell the janitor.
Message from the front, sir.
Oh, I'm sick of messages from the front.
Don't we ever get a message from the side?
What is it?
General Smith reports a gas attack.
He wants to know what to do.
Tell him to take a teaspoon full of
bicarbonate soda and a half a glass of water.
Yes, sir.
- Any answer to that message?
- No, sir.
Well, in that case,
don't send it.
Gentlemen, this is
the last straw.
- Where's my Stradivarius?
- Here, sir!
I'll show 'em they
can't fiddle around with old Firefly.
- Look at 'em run.
Now they know they've been in a war.
- Your Excellency!
- They're fleeing like rats!
- But sir, I've got to tell you...
Remind me to give myself
the Firefly medal for this.
Your Excellency,
you're shooting your own men.
- What?
- You're shooting your own men!
Here's five dollars. Keep it under your hat.
Never mind. I'll keep it under my hat.
Now we've got to have
more men or we're lost!
Don't be alarmed, I've got a man
combing the countryside for volunteers.
Your Excellency, the army's morale is crumbling.
The men are breaking ranks.
- Where's the Secretary of War?
- That's it! Where is the Secretary of War?
The soldiers are
waiting for his orders.
His Excellency,
the Secretary of War.
Awfully decent of
you to drop in today.
You realize our army is
facing disastrous defeat?
- What do you intend to do about it?
- I've done it already.
- You've done what?
- I've changed to the other side.
So you're on the other side, eh?
Well, what are you doing over here?
Well, the food is better over here.
Chicolini, I need you
badly right now.
What'll you take to come back
and work for me again?
- I'll take a vacation.
- Good, you're hired.
Now, go out in that battlefield
and lead those men to victory.
Go on, they're waiting for you.
I wouldn't go out there unless
I was in one of those big iron things
that go up and down like this.
What do you call those things?
- Tanks.
- You're welcome.
Your Excellency, you must come here at once.
There's danger here.
Why don't come over here?
There's no danger here.
- Shh!
- Rufus!
Wait a minute, I want
to find out something.
Just as I thought,
the coast is clear.
Chicolini, to your post!
Remember, you're fighting for this woman's honor
which is probably more than she ever did.
Your Excellency!
There goes my gun.
Run out and get that like a good girl.
Oh, I'm afraid!
We can't last much longer.
Our ammunition supplies are very low!
Man the boats, Lieutenant!
I'll get help!
Calling all nations!
Calling all nations!
This is Rufus T...
This is Rufus T. Firefly
coming to you through the courtesy of the enemy.
We're in a mess, folks!
We're in a mess!
Rush to Freedonia.
Three men and one woman are trapped in a building.
Send help at once.
If you can't send help, send two more women.
Make it three more women.
Your Excellency, we can't hold out much longer!
We must have help!
One of us has got to break through the lines
and get word to general Cooper and his men.
Quiet back there!
Which one of us is gonna have the rare privilege
of sacrificing his life for his country?
- We draw lots.
- Wait! I got it.
Rrringspot, vonza, twoza,
zig-zag-zav, popti, vinaga.
Harem, scarem, merchan,
tarem, teir, tore...
I did it wrong.
Wait, wait, I start here.
Rrringspot, vonza, twoza,
zig-zag-zav, popti, vinaga.
Harem, scarem, merchan,
tarem, teir, tore...
That's no good too.
Oh, I got it!
Rrringspot, buck!
You're a brave man.
Go and break through the lines!
And remember, while you're out there
risking life and limb through shot and shell,
we'll be in here thinking
what a sucker you are.
Good-bye, Mont Blanc,
- For Freedonia!
- For Freedonia!
- For Freedonia!
Gloria! Gloria!
Where did they get you?
Hey, careful with the water!
It's the only water we got.
Well, it's the only woman we got.
We're surrounded!
They're attacking from the rear!
- They're coming this way!
- We'll barricade the door!
This is Firefly talking!
Send help at once!
Help is on the way!
Carry on, men!
Help is on the way!
They got me.
They got me. Water!
Get me outta this!
Get me outta this!
The last time this happened to me
I was crawling under a bed.
Oh, if help would only come!
Your Excellency?
Any mail for me
while I was gone?
Get away from me!
Oh! Oh!
Hey, Trentino!
Trentino, eh?
That's game.
- Trentino!
- Trentino, eh?
Call me an upstart, eh?
I surrender!
I surrender!
I'm sorry, you'll have to wait
'til the fruit runs out.
Victory is ours!
Hail, hail Freedonia
Land of the brave...