Evolution (2001) Movie Script
In spite of all the warnings,
she was smoking in bed and fell a sleep.
Bad move!
And the fire begins.
It's show time!
Don't worry, ma'am.
I'm here to saveyou!
Keep those people back!
This is an emergency!
Don't you dare die on me!
Breathe, damn it, breathe!
She's gonna make it!
She's gonna make it!
What the--
Oh, damn!
Though it may be hard to believe
that a single biology professor...
making in excess of$1 7,500 a year...
could manage to find time to gradeyour
first biology research papers, I did.
As you can see, there was
a shocking statistical anomaly.
Pretty much all ofyou got A's.
You deserve to congratulateyourselves.
I got a good feeling about this group.
And I think that the parade ofA's will
continue to the end ofthe semester.
So much for the bell curve, right?
Bell curves suck!
Mr. Kane?
Dr. Kane, seems to be a mistake here.
My brother and I each got a C-minus
on our reports.
C-minus. Me too.
Allow me to share something
with the entire class.
As I was grading papers, I came across
two gems, both entitled "Cells Are Bad."
And both withjust one paragraph...
which I unfortunately
committed to memory.
"Cells are bad.
My uncle lives in a cell.
It's ten foot by twelve.
And he has to read the same boring
magazine every day.
The end."
You're talking about our papers,
aren't you, Dr. Kane?
Yes, I am.
Although my standards are not
where they used to be...
I still could not bring myself
to put an A on top ofthose beauties.
Hopeyou understand.
- Sure.
- Yeah, okay.
Let's get back to work at the Periodic
Table which is not, as some suppose--
A meteor? Where?
Route 89-A.
Yeah, I got it.
Rest assured I will be there.
Okay. Bye.
How's it look, Professor?
It's tight.
Really tight, Nadine,
but not too tight.
You just don't have the points.
I'm sorry.
Don't take it too hard. Geology's
a tougher subject than people think.
Areyou sure?
Couldn'tyou check again?
I really need this credit
to get into nursing school.
Nursing school?
Wouldn'tyou be more comfortable where
people's lives weren't dependent on you?
Actually, what I reallywant to be
is Miss Arizona.
But my consultant says nursing school
will really impress thejudges.
- Makes me look like I help people.
- Ready for lunch?
Or haveyou already eaten?
I was concluding a teacher-student
conference with Nadine, Ira.
Harry, your dedication toyourjob
is an inspiration to us all.
Regrettably, I have a prior lunch
engagement with Professor Kane.
We'll talk aboutyour
extra credit later, okay? Cheer up.
Let me grab my stuff.
Whereyou taking me?
A meteor hit last night.
Oh, that's what that was.
As the Glen Canyon representative
ofthe U.S. Geological Survey...
I have been assigned to check it out.
I'm taking you in case I actually have
to do something scientific. Then we eat.
You're a representative
ofthe U.S.G.S.?
Signed up over the Internet.
Wereyou on some cheerleader site
and accidentally linked to the U.S.G.S.?
Something like that.
Watch it. Take it easy.
That's my baby.
Watch it. Take it easy.
That's my baby.
Thereyou go. Easy.
Come on, be careful!
Who's gonna pay me for the damage
to my goddamn car?
Son, I told you we don't do that.
It's force majeure.
Force majeure, my ass!
That car's a classic '73 Buick Rivera.
Who areyou?
Harry Block, United States
Geological Survey.
This is my secretary, Ira Kane.
We're here to investigate the meteor.
Ifthat's what it is.
Ofcourse it's a damn meteor.
It almost blew up my damn car.
I'm still fuzzy on whatyou were
doing here in the middle ofthe night.
With Betty Lou here.
For the thousandth time, I was
practicing for my fireman's exam...
which started seven minutes ago,
so I'd appreciate ifyou let me go.
You and the blonde found the meteor?
Yeah, I found it.
It bounced my car 200 feet
in the air. Can I go?
Bob, get him out ofhere right now.
Don't leave town.
Sheriff, is this...
the point ofpenetration?
Yeah, it punched through
into a cavern 80 feet down.
That's a hole.
Oh, damn it!
Next time, you're carrying this case.
You're the U.S.G.S. representative.
That responsibility
comes with the badge.
Oh, my God! Look at that.
I believe we've located
the target.
- Big smile, fellas.
- Cheese!
Hold it up now.
All right?
It's hot! It's really hot.
I'll hold you up.
More nightstick.
Look at thesejackasses.
At ease, gentlemen.
The Feds are here.
Feds? What Feds?
- Who letyou down here?
- Let's not get combative, Lieutenant.
The U.S.G.S. and local law enforcement
have a long history ofcooperation.
We're here to get some scientific
samples, ifthat's okaywith you guys.
Ah, yeah, sure.
We got all the photographic evidence
we need. Carry on.
Thankyou.
Keep up the good work.
Just hit last night
and it's got stuff growing on it.
Could be cave moss.
Cave moss afterjust a few hours?
That's peculiar.
Let's get a sample
and get out ofhere.
It's bleeding.
It's a rock that bleeds.
Now that's really peculiar.
Let's bag it.
I don't know ifthis geological society
gig is all it's cracked up to be.
Yeah, it pads out my resume,
but am I growing as a person?
Am I growing as a Division Three
women's volleyball coach?
Areyou gonna do those spectro tests
it says to do in the guidebook?
Spectrograph. Yeah, I will do
a full spectroscopic analysis.
Your resume will shine.
Good. I got to get to the game.
Let me know if you find anything.
Ira? Areyou sureyou can handle this
byyour lonesome?
All right, all right.
That's impossible.
Ten base pairs.
No, that can't be.
We need this!
Come on, ladies, look alive!
Tina, when Lisa goes for the spike,
you've got to cover the line.
Lisa, two hands! Two hands!
God gaveyou two goddamn hands
for a reason!
Big news. The most amazing thing.
The meteor samples are teeming
with one-celled organisms.
Their metabolic rates
are offthe charts.
They're dividing at an incredible rate.
It's practically exponential.
Their DNA has ten base pairs.
Ten base pairs. That's good to know.
Thankyou, Ira.
The DNA ofall life on Earth
has only four base pairs.
Come on, ladies!
Look alive!
Harry, these are organisms
from anotherworld.
They're aliens.
Is the Nobel Prize paid in installments,
or in a lump sum like the lottery?
Let's not get ahead ofourselves.
Here. My office.
I'm not getting ahead ofmyself. I'm
concerned about the tax consequences.
- Why in here?
-Just wanted to be cautious.
It's our discovery.
I'm all tingly.
I'm no biologist, but how many cells
do single-celled organisms have?
Ifwe're gonna be important scientists,
you have to act the part.
Why don'tyou take a look?
There are multi-cellular organisms
in there.
- Yes, I know.
- But theyweren't there before.
- So they snuck in.
- There was no sneaking in.
It's-- No, it's too amazing.
- What?
- It's like they're evolving.
They're growing.
They're growing
into more complex organisms.
It's evolution.
Nobel, here we come.
Yeah, but it's 200 million years' worth
injust a few hours.
That's fast.
You have no idea.
Get ready.
On my signal.
Go!
Recruit, wake up.
Wake up!
Go! Go, go, go!
The hose!
This thing here!
Sorry.
- Move it! Move it!
- Wayne, go!
Go, go! Come on!
Buddy, these things happen.
There's another test in six months.
Six months?
I can't wait six months!
At least you still got the pool gig
at the country club, right?
Great. Thanks a lot.
Drive careful.
I got it. I got it!
I do this.
Looks like we got visitors.
Class, since this is our first field
trip, please obey a few simple rules.
Dirt!
Nice footwear.
It's perfect for spelunking.
Don't touch anything.
Don't move anything. Don't even breathe
unless we tell you to.
And wearyour protective gloves
at all times.
- Why do we have to do this?
- Firsthand field experience.
The very meat and potatoes ofgeology.
- Will this be on the final?
- Yes!
- Officer, nice to seeyou again.
- Professor, what's up?
- We came to pick up the rock.
- Pick it up? What?
Yeah, we--
Just orders from the U.S.G.S. Theywant
it under controlled conditions.
It's very technical.
Oh, technical stuff. It's technical.
Okay, go right ahead.
- We're gonna haul it out ofhere.
- Sure, go ahead.
Deke and Danny, rememberwhat
we talked about, right?
You are in charge ofthe hoisting. Get
the winch up to the hole. Understand?
Fellas, stop nodding andjust stare
at me for a second, okay?
Focus.
You understand what I wantyou to do?
- Yeah, we gotyou.
- Yeah.
Go do it.
Ira, I'm picking up
a heavy creepyvibe here.
A lot has changed.
Class, I know these look like mushrooms,
but refrain from eating them.
Oh, it smells disgusting.
Nadine, sometimes science stinks.
It's the game we play, baby.
Rotten egg smell.
- Hydrogen sulfide, right?
- Yeah, and ammonia and methane.
It's like it's converting
the atmosphere.
Look at all this rudimentary plant life.
It's amazing.
I don't want to get all girly, but I
feel something wiggling around my toes.
The ground does seem to be moving.
Whoa!
Flatworms.
Millions!
Yuck!
Oh, God!
Barely 1 8 hours
and we already have fatworms.
- Look, look!
- Hey, there they are!
- Hi, Dr. Kane.
- Hey, Dr. K.!
- Man, I almost went down!
- Awesome.
Come here, little buddy.
I'm not gonna hurtyou.
You didn't hurt it.
You killed it.
The oxygen must have killed it.
It must need its own atmosphere
to live.
Yeah.
Grab a specimenjar. We'll try to scoop
some atmosphere in there with them.
Yeah, right.
It took us two billion years to do
what they did injust a couple ofdays.
Yeah. Those little germs are
the embodiment ofthe American dream.
I'm so sorry to interrupt,
Professor Block.
But I was wondering ifI'm correct
in assuming that that field trip...
fulfilled any ofmy missing
credit requirements.
You know, Nadine,
you are a very, very smart girl.
But ifyou wouldjust focus--
Professor...
the little wigglyworm things
are breaking.
Look.
He's not breaking. It's splitting.
It's mitosis.
That's how they reproduce.
No sex?
No time for sex.
Bummer!
Little guys are splitting again.
Put it away. Look, we call no one,
tell no one. This is our secret, right?
What about the government? Isn't this
the kind ofthing they get involved in?
No government.
I know those people. Absolutely not.
You do?
This is our discovery, and we have
to maintain absolute control.
We have to do more research and check
our findings. Document everything.
Wayne?
What's this?
That would be an all-cotton towel, sir.
I believe it's a Fieldcrest.
It's a damp towel.
Why is a damp towel on my chaise?
Okay, let me take care ofthis
foryou.
You should, becauseyou're pool manager,
and you know what to do about it.
What the hell?
Where did you guys come from?
You're dead now.
Whoa! What the--
Harry, when Icheckedthesamples
thismorning...
Ifoundthree differentsubspecies.
These thingsare evolvingso quickly.
God knows what we'll find
when we get back to the-- Whoa!
Please tell me
there's an air show today.
Shit!
Can I helpyou?
Yeah. Harry Block, Ira Kane.
United States Geological Society.
We're doing some important research.
This is our site.
I'm sorry. Not anymore.
You're not on the list.
What doyou mean?
We come here all the time.
This is not a nightclub.
Why don'tyou take it somewhere else?
I know my Constitutional rights!
Harry!
Look, maybeyou can call your superior.
We can have a word with him.
I have a Harry Block and Ira Kane
claiming--
Punk. What?
You got to know how to talk
to the white man.
- White man gonna get his ass whupped.
- Very sensitive. Can't beyelled at.
- Did you say Kane?
- Yeah.
- The Ira Kane?
- Yeah.
I've been looking forward to this
for a long time. You bastard!
Hey, hey, hey!
Get his gun!
Take it easy. They're good. Up!
You're responsible
for the worst month ofmy life!
- What the hell was that about?
- I don't know.
Drive straight down to the command tent.
They're expecting you.
- Go.
- Thankyou.
That's the guy that had me in diapers
for over a month!
- Men, General Woodman's expecting you.
- Russell Woodman?
What an unexpected surprise.
For me too. I didn't realize
we were on a hugging basis.
The same old Ira Kane.
And you must be--
Harry Block, this is General Russell
Woodman, head of U.S. Army Research.
- General.
- Harry.
You two know each other?
Ira used to work for me.
Right, Ira?
I worked with you, actually.
You used to work in army research
in the Pentagon?
Yeah.
And all this time I thought
you werejust a school teacher.
No. How did you
find out about this?
You leave the Pentagon,
you don't call me, you don't write.
We like to keep tabs
on our prodigal sons.
Soyou tapped my phone?
No. We're not the KGB.
Actually, we've been monitoring
your computer.
His computer?
All those girls in the photos
are over 1 8.
Yes, I'm sure.
- I should've figured.
- Yes.
And you should've known better than to
try to keep something this big from us.
And the CDC.
Just in time. Ira, this is Allison Reed,
senior researcher in epidemiology...
at the CDC.
Nice underwear.
Garter belt? At a day function?
I can do it. Thankyou very much.
I'm okay. Dr. Kane.
I'd heard aboutyour recklessness,
butyou are way out ofline.
Doyou realize how dangerous
this situation could have become?
It's nice to meetyou too, ma'am.
No need to play the blame game, Allison.
No harm, no foul.
We're all very appreciative
of Dr. Kane and Mr. Black's discovery.
Block.
Block. I'm sorry.
The confirmation ofthe existence
oflife outside this planet--
Would be the greatest
scientific discovery ofour time.
Yes, actually.
Yes, it would.
And you have myword thatyou'll be kept
in the loop from this point forward.
You son ofa bitch.
What doyou mean, kept in the loop?
General, we are the loop.
We won't cutyou out,
but we do need to take control.
We're following protocol.
You remember protocol, don'tyou?
Yeah, I got some protocol right here
foryou, Russell. Come and get it.
Look, this research must continue under
careful government control and scrutiny.
We secured the area.
We're constructing an air lock into the
cavern and a field research facility.
So there's not a lot
for the science department...
ofGlen Canyon Community College
to do here.
Did you catch that condescending tone
when he says Glen Canyon Community--
We are following well-established
federal guidelines--
Ma'am, please. Russell, don't pull
this crap. We deserve to be here.
You deserve to be here?
You're lucky anybody's ever letyou
near a science laboratory again, Ira.
You're a disgrace,
and a dangerous one at that.
Lieutenant, show these men out.
This is horseshit.
It's not over.
You're in for a fight, Russell.
Would you stop following me, please?
Thankyou.
We're not gonna bend over
and take this!
Fruit basket for Russell Woodman!
Happy holidays, General!
Cute.
Dr. Kane, areyou asking me
to bar the federal government...
from involvement in a discovery
as significant as this?
No, no. We're asking you to make sure
that the local scientists...
who actually made the discovery
continue to play a significant role.
They kept us out for almost two weeks.
We put our lives on the line to find
these little guys, Your Majesty.
Wejust want to be there for them
as they grow up.
We were the first team at the site and
the initial testing was done in our lab.
The facilities at Glen Canyon Community
College are ajoke, sir.
Theyweren't ajoke
when I went there, General.
Your Honor, ifthe court
would allow me to depose Dr. Kane?
Depose me?
We thinkyour past is very relevant,
Dr. Kane.
These issues speak directly
to his competence as a scientist.
Dr. Kane, you were
a top-level researcher...
at USAMRI D from '94 to '97,
wereyou not?
Yes, that's correct.
And you were summarily dismissed
in the summer of 1 997. Any idea why?
My services were no long required?
Uh-huh. So in your opinion...
your firing had nothing to do
with an experimental anthrax vaccine...
you developed and gave to nearly 140,000
U.S. soldiers in May ofthatyear?
I see whereyou're going with this.
It may have been a factor. You'd have
to ask theJoint Chiefs ofStaff.
I'll make a note to do that.
But for now...
can you tell me what happened
to the soldiers that were inoculated?
Well, none ofthem got anthrax,
ifthat's whatyou're asking.
What did they get?
As with any new vaccine...
there were certain side effects
associated with it.
Could you be more specific?
It was a wide range ofthings.
It's very technical.
I'd hate to waste the court's time
getting into it.
Humor me.
Some debilitating stomach cramps.
Severe diarrhea.
Memory loss.
Yes, go on.
Any more symptoms?
Partial facial paralysis,
temporary blindness, drooling...
bleeding gums, erectile dysfunction,
uncontrollable fatulence.
I think that's it.
One more question.
Doyou happen to remember what the
soldiers called this illness, Dr. Kane?
Yeah, they called it
the Kane Madness.
Keepyour head up.
You know she wanted to giveyou some,
right?
Wereyou even in that courtroom?
Getting barbecued like baby back ribs?
It's all foreplay, baby.
Oh, we've been hit.
Forget the foreplay.
Wejust got screwed.
- Empty.
- This is very, very bad.
Damn it!
I don't care who they are.
Stealing is stealing.
Perfect.
They took the rock, the samples,
all the little wormy critters.
All the data's gone. TheJ PEG files,
the DNA sequences. They cleaned us out.
- I'm calling the cops.
- The cops?
They are the cops!
Then what?
Let me askyou, how comeyou get
to be a colonel and I'm just a private?
I was a colonel.
And you obviously served
your countrywith distinction.
Consideryourselflucky. The penalty
for impersonating an officer is prison.
Yeah, maybe for you, white boy.
Me, they hang.
Colonels first.
I was at it for 12 hours.
My toes were starting to hurt
I was standing so long.
Stop it.
-Just act likeyou belong.
- Don't worry, I got this.
- Pick up that butt, soldier.
- Sorry, sir.
- And tuck that shirt in.
- Yes, sir.
Get the door.
Thankyou, Private.
Don't get used to this.
Oh-oh, look at that.
Enjoyyour lunch, gentlemen.
Okay, I'll be right back.
Your girlfriend, 1 1 :00.
Darn it.
That woman's a menace.
Testing, one, two. One, two.
One, one, one, two.
This is D.J. Harry Block here,
and I'm an Aquarius.
Will you stop?
I can hearyou.
Don'tyou snap at me, unless you want an
angry Solid Gold dancer on your hands.
Lieutenant?
Yeah?
Who's that?
I don't know.
I don't have anything on my schedule.
Maybe it's the guys from sector 1 2
doing a nocturnal specimen run.
- You know how those guys are.
- Oh, yeah.
This place has changed.
Can you believe this?
Look at that.
Our little babies are growing up.
Three weeks, it's already
like a rain forest in here.
Looks like the kitchen
from my first apartment.
Harry, check that guy out.
Is it coming or going?
That treejust ate it.
Everything here seems to be food
for something else.
- So stay offthe menu, huh?
- You got that right.
Ira, come here,
look at these little things.
Cool. Hey, snag one.
- Snag one?
- Snag one and put him in the bucket.
I seen this movie.
The black dude dies first. You snag it.
Don't be scared. We came
for a specimen, now snag one.
He's not gonna hurtyou.
He's turned the otherway.
He's eating.
Come on, my little red lobster.
Come on, my sexy little crustacean.
Come on.
Whoa!
Ira, look at that backside.
Theater in the round.
That's the kind oftrunk space
you want in a late model car.
Who does that remind you of?
I have no idea
whatyou're talking about.
She's been throwing it atyou enough.
- Dr. Reed?
- Bull's-eye.
Excuse me, Dr. Reed?
Did you authorize a walk-through?
Nope. Why?
You should probably take a look
at something. Here.
You'd like to roast that rump.
You'd like to butter that mother.
That is an ice image.
And Iappreciate your assumption...
that there is anactual
sexualhumanbeing...
underneathall Dr. Reed's
deep-seatedneuroses.
- ButIdon't thinkso.
- What?
I thinksheis
ahumorless ice queen.
Ira, that'sjusta cover.
Don'tyouknowthat?
Allsheneeds isagoodhumping.
Oh, Ira. Ira!
Harry, stop that. We got tagetapiece
of the asteroid like we came for.
And cut that out.
It disturbs me.
- Ira!
- Don'tdo that behind my back.
- I'm not doing it. I'm just walking.
- Cut it out.
Let's bag that
and get the hell out ofhere.
I'm readywhen you are, Colonel.
This disco suit is making me chafe.
Shoo, fy.
Hold it right there.
Dr. Reed, so nice to seeyou again.
We werejust leaving.
You're in violation ofthejudge's
orders. I could haveyou arrested.
Want to talk about violations?
What about our lab?
- Got any Raid?
- What areyou talking about?
You stole our computer hard drive,
samples, files. Everything.
- I didn't steal anything.
- Your buddies there cleaned us out.
Let's be honest. You've been trying
to grab credit on our discovery.
All we're trying to do is take back
a piece ofwhat's rightfully ours.
Credit has nothing to do with this.
I'm concerned about public safety.
- Is this true? Areyou aware ofthis?
- No.
Something's in my suit.
You're not gonna believe him. He openly
admitted to hacking into our computer.
Harry, what?
There's something in my suit!
It's impossible. It's sealed!
The fy!
There's a fy in my suit!
- Don't take offyour helmet! Oxygen!
- It'll kill it.
Doyou see it?
Look, look. Doyou see it?
- No.
- No?
- You're all right. Who's the man?
- You're the man.
- No, you're the man.
- I'm the man. Okay.
Oh, God.
It's in me!
For the love ofeverything good and
holy, get this goddamn thing out ofme!
You're gonna be okay.
Cut him open. Let's get this thing.
Cut me open?
There goes your Christmas gift,Judas!
It's moving down his leg.
- What do we do?
- Maybe amputate.
Whoa, don't take the leg!
Don't let 'em take my leg.
Is there anything elseyou can do?
He thinks he's an athlete.
Doctor, look.
It's heading for his testicles.
Take it! Take the leg!
Wait, wait!
It's going the otherway.
Give me some forceps. I might be able
to catch it in his colon.
- How'reyou going in?
- Rectally.
- Ohh!
- I'll get the lubricant.
- No time for lubricant.
- There's always time for lubricant!
- Flip him!
- Go.
Okay, here we go.
- Try to relax.
- Everything's gonna be okay.
I'll shove this gurney upyour ass!
See ifyou relax, Ira.
- Cheek spreader.
- All right. I'm going in.
Don't clench!
You're so brave.
- A little more.
- No more!
- A little deeper.
- No deeper!
- Squeeze my hand. Squeeze it!
- Almost there.
Open up. Open up!
- Breathe. Breathe.
- I'm breathing!
- Almost there.
- You're there!
It's over, it's over.
Itjust died.
Don'tyou ever do that again!
The size ofthat thing insideyou! It
was like this! You took it like a man.
You're all right. You did great.
Can I getyou anything?
Ice cream.
I'd like an ice cream, please.
- What favor?
- It doesn't matter. It's for my ass.
Man! Now I'm a Hawaiian warrior?
I'm thinking seriously about moving.
Maybe to California, start over.
Because ofthe fireman thing?
Big deal. You funked out.
You know how many times
I've funked in my life? A ton.
Hey, pool boy, you watering down
the mai tais?
No, sir.
But let me fixyou something special.
'Causeyou're nothing
but a big, fat monkey turd.
Excuse me?
What?
Drink's almost ready.
Hereyou go.
That should tideyou over.
Anddon'tforget, folks
That's whatyouget, folks
Formaking whoopee
Oh, damn it!
That's gonna stain.
Barry! Barry, where areyou?
I can't seeyou.
Where areyou?
I'm down here, my pet, by the water.
Somethingjust ate Barry Cartwright!
That's too bad.
I don't get it.
How does someone with your background...
credentials and talent
end up...
likeyou?
Thankyou.
Your partner could have died.
What wereyou thinking?
I was desperate.
I've been exiled out here for 5 years,
watching the world pass me by...
and this amazing discovery
falls into my lap.
I look at it as my ticket out ofhere.
But I don't suppose
you would understand that.
No, how could I? I'm a humorless
ice maiden in need ofa good humping.
- You heard that, huh?
- Loud and clear.
Don't thinkyou know
so much about me. You don't.
I'm sure I don't.
Thankyou for not calling the cops.
Oh, be careful!
Stop being such a baby.
I've seen that car before.
No more bran for me.
Hey, girls.
Hey, girls.
Stop. Cut it out.
Hey, it's the meteor guy.
What's in the bag?
Your blow-up doll?
Oh, no. I got something
thatyou're really gonna like.
- What happened toyou?
- Shut up.
You guys teach here?
Yeah.
I was thinking about taking
some classes.
But I decided to hit thejob market
early and get ajump start on things.
Can we helpyou?
Yeah. A guy got killed
at my country club last night.
A real douche bag.
Thatjust doesn't make it right.
It was an animal attack.
Isn't that something?
Happened by the water hazard
on the fourth green.
The lady he was banging saw
the whole thing.
We chased this sucker on the fairway,
and then it died in a sand trap.
Itjust died? How?
Like it was choking to death.
You know? Stopped breathing.
Anyway...
it's like nothing I ever saw before and
I thoughtyou might want to look at it.
Jill, you've got some kind
ofinfestation here.
You have a serious bug problem.
What?
Jill, there's something
in your closet.
Open the door, Grace.
Me? It's your house.
When did you get a dog?
We don't have a damn dog.
I don't think that's a dog.
It's like a rodent.
Or a muskrat or pig.
- How the hell did it get in here?
- It doesn't look too healthy.
Well, it's frightened.
Oh, look, he can barely breathe,
he's so scared.
Come on, cutie pie.
Don't be afraid.
Come on, come on.
That's a good boy.
Yes, 91 1 ?
What the hell is that thing?
Thanks.
Pick me up in an hour. No, two.
Oh, an hour and a halfwould be good.
Thanks.
Hi. Doyou have any messages for me?
Two single beds, please.
We're fighting.
Ira, I'm tired. I've had two hours sleep
and I've got to take a shower.
They're spreading.
You talking about the golfcourse?
Woodman sent a team there two hours ago.
Well, it's too bad you missed
the five-foot amphibian dead in my lab.
They're adapting.
We gotta shut it down.
You're overreacting.
We can handle this.
I used to be arrogant likeyou.
We're both aware ofwhat that led to.
Take me seriously, Allison.
I do takeyou seriously.
Then you gotta talk to Woodman,
'cause he won't listen to me.
We gotta kill these things
while we still can.
All right. I'll discuss it with him,
but I can't promiseyou anything.
Thankyou.
-Just one more thing.
- Yeah?
Doyou thinkyou could ever
be attracted to me?
Bye, Ira.
It'sjust food for thought.
Yeah, she's mine.
I've been an adjunct professor
for fouryears...
but I'm hoping this alien brouhaha
will net me an honorary doctorate.
You gonna finish that bacon?
Yeah, I'm gonna finish it.
I ordered it, didn't I?
So about the coaching girls' volleyball?
Doyou ever get
to see them take showers?
Yeah, all the time.
Sometimes I showerwith them.
You're kidding, right?
- So?
- She's gonna talk to Woodman.
Ah, thank goodness.
I'm okay.
Level with me.
Is there some sort
ofalien attack happening here?
We don't know.
Excuse me,
could I borrowyour cream?
Hi, Denise.
Hello, Ira.
Still setting the world on fire?
Ow.
That's Ira's ex
sitting with the cop.
What's with the police escort? You're
not under arrest. I don't see handcuffs.
That's funny. This is my friend, Sam.
He's about to make detective.
I know Sam. We go way back.
Congratulations.
Maybeyou could look into my missing
shirts. She left with some ofmy shirts.
See what I mean?
I'm not up on the law...
but is it against the law when you leave
somebody's house with what they own?
You wantyour shirt?
Seriously, take it.
You must be cold, right?
Areyou cold? Is that it?
Why should I get to wear the shirt
when it's your shirt?
It's amazing how manywomen
open their shirt to him.
I'm sure he'll letyou borrow the shirt
forjust today. Right, Professor?
Wegota code 12-72 in Valley Vista.
- Gotta go, babe.
- Now?
They're calling.
Wait.
Be careful.
- You'll take care ofthe check, right?
- Yeah.
I want those shirts back, Denise.
Hey, you gotta admit...
this animal attack
has an ominous feel to it.
Check it out?
- Check it out.
- All right!
We're under the microscope so let's be
systematic and subtle in what we do.
- No cowboy stuff, okay?
- Professionals.
OfficerJohnson.
- Fellas, why areyou here?
- We heard about the animal attack.
And part ofourjob
with the Health Department...
is to ascertain
ifthere's any health risk.
You know what? No. Not this time.
Forget about it.
- You touch it with your bare hands?
- That would be a serious no-no.
- You did? He touched it.
- That's not good.
- What do we do?
- I don't know.
Okay, why don'tyou guys come in
and take a look?
I'll be checking things out around here
in this vicinity.
This dog is all ass.
Ira, look at this, man.
He would have come
from in here, right?
It'sjust used for storage
and access under the house.
Looks like he crawled right through
the dirt there.
Hey, guys.
I was conducting a parameter check...
and there's something
you'd better see.
You liked that thing,
you're gonna love this.
What is it?
Great googa-mooga!
What'd I tell you?
They're crawling out.
They're trying to breathe
in our atmosphere.
Fortunately, they haven't been able
to adaptyet.
Hey, Ira, I think I know
how these things got here.
How?
Well, this entire area...
is a honeycomb ofcaves
and old mine shafts.
Ifmemory serves,
the Moenave cave system...
starts a few miles from here,
west ofthe golfcourse.
Runs into the foothills, continues to
the Kaibab plateau and into Lake Powell.
Our cave is smack dab
in the middle ofthe system.
It's all connected.
- Could you repeat that?
- I'm impressed.
Hey, beneath this calm, sexy exterior
beats the heart ofa true scientist.
Whoa, guys! That one's moving.
What the hell is it doing?
It's trying to breathe.
That's like a big loogie!
Mazeltov. It's a boy.
It's oxygen tolerant.
It's fying away.
Is that a bad thing?
Only ifyou're a human being.
You know how much I hate shopping.
We need to find you something
nice forThanksgiving.
I got enough clothes.
Tony, that color's great on you.
Whoa.
This might be the place.
Ever used one ofthese before?
Just 'cause I'm a school teacher,
don't make me a pussy.
Ladies, a fying extraterrestrial's
in the store. Can we focus?
I'm in here.Just a minute.
Just a second, please.
I said,just a second, bitch!
How'd you like me to scratch
the eyes out ofyour skull?
Here, birdy-birdy-birdy.
Birdy!
All right.
IfI was a giant, nasty alien bird
in a department store, where would I be?
Lingerie.
- Notyou, the bird.
- Lingerie.
Help!
You go low. I'm going high.
Got it.
We'll never find it.
I lost him!
How doyou lose a 20-foot bird
in the mall?
Ira, I don't know.
What do we do now?
We've established that "ca-caw, ca-caw"
and "tookie-tookie" don't work.
Right. Sorry.
What doyou say, Ira?
Pack it in?
Youare
Sobeautifultome
Step back, Harry.
I'm gonna shoot him.
Stand down.
I'm gonna kill this one myself.
Give me a chance.
I'm communicating here.
Youaresobeautiful
Tome
Wayne, would you please stop,
becauseyou are embarrassing me.
Can'tyousee
You're every--
You're everything
thatIhope for
It's working.
Yeah, sing, sing.
Rub some funk on it.
Andyou're everythingIneed
Here he comes!
- Grab the girl. I'll get the bird.
- Got it!
All right! Nice shot.
I'm sorry. I swear to God
I will never shoplift again.
Good.
So what doyou want?
Light meat or dark?
You have to ask?
It's dead now.
Yeah.
Got tostart to feelin'solow
AndIdecidedquickly
Yes, Idid
To disco downandcheck out theshow
Yeah, they were dancin'andsingin'
Andmovin'to thegroovin'
Andjust whenithitme
Somebodyturnedaroundandshouted
Play thatfunkymusic, whiteboy
Play thatfunkymusic right
I'mstandingat the edge of
the Valley Vistahousingcommunity...
wherejust below me there are dozens
ofgiant, odd-looking dead creatures.
We should stress to ourviewers that
we have received no official word from--
I saw this ugly tentacle thing
come out ofthe ground.
It tried to grab my private parts.
Batted it away.
Got my hand.
An atmosphere ofanxiety and confusion
in the greater Glen Canyon area.
We stand outside
the state capitol building...
awaiting comment from the governor's
office about the nature and origin...
ofthese extraordinary creatures.
Governor Lewis, this way.
Whywas I not informed that we have
aliens crawling over my beloved state?
I've got 400 media vultures outside my
office who know more about this than I.
I ought to throw all ofyou in prison.
Not that cushy federal place
with the loosejumpsuits.
State prison, with the crotch binders!
I'm sorry, but there were security
breaches made by Dr. Kane and his team.
Wait a minute. No, no. Excuse me.
That's not exactly true,
General Woodman.
I believe the Governor's question
was directed at me, Dr. Reed.
Put a plug in it. I'm not interested
in your bureaucratic crapola.
What I reallywant to know is
how bad this thing is.
It's bad, Governor.
The new ground sensors
and the satellite thermal scans...
indicate a potential problem.
I don't know how to read this!
What problem?
Somebody, please, take this ugly bag
ofsnakes and lay them out straight.
- Allow me.
- You are--
Dr. Allison Reed.
How doyou do?
Carla, would you mind
The red markings indicate the growth
ofthe alien ecosystem.
Unless we do something immediately,
we will lose Glen Canyon in three days.
Great merciful Christ.
In a week, the rest ofArizona.
Then the entire Southwest.
In two months, the United States
officially belongs to them.
And we are extinct.
You're shittin' me!
Come on, admit it.
You're glad to see us, huh?
I, for one, am glad to seeyou.
Call the MP's. Have them arrested.
Hey, wejust blew a giant alien bird
out ofa department store.
We're covering upyour mess.
Governor, Dr. Ira Kane. I'm chairman of
the science department at the college.
My associate.
Harry Phineas Block, adjunct professor
ofgeology. Voted foryou.
Wayne Grey. Took some chemistry
in high school.
You two gentlemen are the original
discovers ofthe phenomena, correct?
Yes, they are. And they're also
responsible for the mess we're in now.
- Here we go.
- What?
They broke into the contained area
and breached our safety procedures.
Causing the dissemination ofalien
organisms outside the secured area.
- Liar, liar, pants on fire!
- Criminal charges are in order here.
This is bullshit!
Shut up! Listen.
My state is being overrun
byvicious aliens.
You're all supposed to be the experts.
I want to know right now.
How the hell areyou supposed
to deal with this?
This is an outline ofthe infected area
as ofthis afternoon.
Governor, my plan...
is to evacuate everyone from
within five miles ofthe perimeter.
Evacuation? You're talking
about 10,000 people.
Yes, sir. We evacuate, make it safe...
and then burn the alien menace
the hell out ofthere.
With what?
With napalm.
Lots and lots ofnapalm.
Napalm? Why don'tyoujust nuke them
whileyou're at it?
What about nukes?
Pull your horns in, boys.
Nobody's dropping an H-bomb on my state.
All this talk about napalm and burning
things makes me very damn nervous.
It should. We don't know their reaction
to such an attack on a cellular level.
Governor, it is time for
a military solution. This will work.
General, sorry to interrupt.
You better take a look at this.
What?
Clear out.
What? You called me out for this?
Sir, one ofthe creatures
destroyed video four.
What's going on there?
My God!
They've evolved into primates.
That's a face for radio.
They took out six and seven.
All the monitors are down.
That can't be good.
That's the elevator.
We have no personnel down there.
They breached the air lock.
The no-nose chimp?
Call for backup.
We need backup!
They're going through the elevator!
Cover the elevator!
Stay back behind me.
Get the hell offme!
I want to see this thing!
Be prepared to fire.
It's empty, sir.
The governor!
- Do something!
- Hold your fire!
You'll get somebody killed.
Nice shot.
I'll take that now.
You have my full support to do whatever
you need to do, however much firepower.
You can melt the place to beaded glass
ifthat's what it takes.
Just get these hell-blown creazoids
out ofmy state!
Thankyou, Governor.
I'll be ready to go by noon tomorrow.
Good.
- Where haveyou two been?
- I was getting out ofthe way.
Get me out ofhere.
Science project's over.
I wantyou and your people gone.
- Soldier, escort these men out.
- Yes, sir.
Don'tyou have work to do?
You are such an asshole.
When a woman expresses anger,
it's often because--
Shut up, Flemming.
Okay, I know where the car is.
Wipe my ass too?
Hey, guys?
Got room for one more?
Hell, yeah.
Who wants to be deputy director anyway?
The real money's in the private sector.
- Areyou sure about this?
- Oh, yeah.
Listen, it may not seem like much, but
I gotyour research files and samples.
So, ifwe survive this,
you guys will get the credit.
Thankyou.
- It's nothing.
- No, thank-- Let me get this.
- No, I got it.
- All right.
Sorry. Excuse me.
We haven't been formally introduced yet.
I'm Wayne Grey.
- Oh, hey, I'm kinda with him.
- Oh, that's cool.
Buckle up, Allison. We're rolling.
Okay. Oh, goodness!
Facilitiesarebeingprovided
foryouandyour families.
Pleasemove inan orderly fashion
to thesafe zone.
They're gonna blow up the whole town.
Attention. Weneedto clearthisarea.
Foryourownsafety,
evacuateimmediately.
Can you make a beer run?
- Professor Kane!
- Arizona is going down, baby!
This may not be the best time
foryou boys to be drinking.
I was your first.
We discovered you in that cave.
You were scared and alone.
It was just you, me and Harry
in the beginning. Those were good times.
Why don't you level with me?
You can trust me.
Talk to me.
Just tell me the secret.
Tell me the answer.
Tell me how to kill you!
You are losing it, pal.
What is that stuff?
Some ofthe original liquid material
from inside the meteor.
- Why hasn't it evolved like the rest?
- I don't know.
Maybe because it was refrigerated...
was locked in an airtight case,
didn't have anything to metabolize with.
But regardless, that doesn't give us
any clues to--
When did you start smoking?
Not much ofa point
to clean living anymore.
Whoa!
These things react to fire
like it was Miracle-Gro.
Fire.
The organisms were dormant in space and
then collided with Earth's atmosphere.
And bam! Heat. Fire.
That's the catalyst.
So ifa little match catalyzes this
stuff, what's a ton ofnapalm gonna do?
So much for the military option.
Call that dick general.
That's a lot ofnapalm.
Yes, it is.
We're going to blow those damn creatures
straight to hell.
We'll fush them out
along the mine shafts...
then mop up the edges as they run
trying to escape the fames.
Excuse me, General.
There's an urgent call from Dr. Reed.
She says she has important information
about the mission.
Really? Well, unfortunately,
I'm not available.
Anything more?
No, sir.
He blew me off.
Can you believe it?
That bastard
wouldn't even take my call.
You did call him an asshole.
- Hey, Dr. K. Time to party.
- We got beer.
- I'll take one.
- Me too. I just quit smoking.
What areyou boys doing here?
We thoughtyou could use a brewski
to mellow out.
Kick back and chill.
Have a beer, relax.
It's gonna helpyou with your research.
Whoa! Look at that thing!
Whoa! Can we have that when you guys
are done with it?
Fellas, thankyou foryour help
and the beers, but we're working.
Hold it. Hold it.
- Look at that.
- What areyou doing?
Selenium.
That could be the answer.
I'm looking at the Periodic Table on
yourT-shirt and I see this pattern.
- Take offyour shirt. I'll showyou.
- Yes!
No, I don't think so.
We are a carbon based life-form.
Keep pulling, Dr. K.
We move down here, and you've found
our poison: arsenic.
But the aliens are nitrogen based,
right?
You make the same move down and over...
and where doyou find yourself?
- Selenium.
- Selenium.
Could be as lethal to them
as arsenic is to us.
And with their metabolic rates,
it'll kill them fast.
Selenium. How much do we need?
Five hundred gallons could do it,
should do it.
Five hundred gallons?
Um, I hate to be a buzzkill, but where
are we gonna get that at 2:00 a.m.?
No problem.
Yeah, we can get that.
Head & Shoulders.
The dandruffshampoo?
Yeah, that's the stuff. The active
ingredient is selenium sulfide.
How doyou know that?
You don't know anything.
Haven'tyou noticed how shiny
and fake-free our hair is?
Okay, this is the best idea we got.
Let's give it a shot. Come on.
Let's do it!
Yeah! We'll get the troops together.
We're getting shampoo!
I've got the vehicle.
Good! Donalds, youjust gotyourA's.
Yes!
Almost full.
There's something I feel I should
tell you, but I don't know exactly how.
Just say it. We're adults and we're all
about to die a very horrible death.
So?
I would've rocked yourworld.
- You already have.
- We're full!
Battle stations! Lock and load!
- Can we continue this discussion later?
- Yes.
Let's do this!
Let's shampoo us some aliens!
Lots ofsoldiers around.
There's an abandoned mine halfa click
south ofhere. We can sneak in there.
Halfa click? What areyou,
in Vietnam?
Hey, I'm digging this.
Workwith me, baby.
It's over here!
It's right here!
- You okay?
- I'm good. I'm good.
- Let's go!
- Let's do this!
You sure this leads
to the main cavern?
It'll lead us somewhere.
Geology's not an exact science.
Where areyou?
Where areyou, my little aliens?
Showyourself.
Warm to the touch.
Highly acidic.
We do not have time foryou to act
likeyou know whatyou're doing.
- What happened to the respect?
- Woodman's going at noon. Hurry.
Very good.
- Are the troops in place?
- They're ahead ofschedule.
Excellent. We can go early.
Oh, no. What is he doing here?
Governor Lewis.
I don't see anything burning.
Where are all the explosions?
We'rejust getting underway. Didn't know
you were coming to see the show.
You damn well better make it
a good one, Sergeant.
That's General.
Not ifyou screw this up.
Keeping my chairwarm for me?
Thankyou.
I'll take a pair ofspy glasses
and a hot chocolate.
Give me a hose.
Get up top. When I giveyou the signal,
start pumping the selenium.
Got it.
Okay, we're gonna spray all around
the meteor, then get out ofhere fast.
Oh, blue monkey!
Wayne, charge the line now!
- That's the napalm!
- Woodman went early!
Bad, bad, bad, bad!
Wayne, come on!
Okay, I'm out!
Oh! We gotta go!
Go! Go, go! Faster! Get up there!
- Go!
- Run foryour life!
Quite the bonfire, General Woodman.
Should've brought some wieners.
That can be arranged.
- First reports are excellent, sir.
- Very good.
Keep it together, Wayne.
Keep it together.
Oh, my God.
What's happening?
- It's coming!
- What's coming?
Get outta here!
General, look.
Hurry!
Drive!
Go! Go!
Fall back. Fall back!
What the hell is that thing?
The napalm forced an evolutionary
response,just like the match.
That's evolution?
Survival ofthe fittest. Often
the simplest organism is the strongest.
It's freaking out.
It's starting to have some sort
ofspaz attack.
No, that's not spazzing out.
It's getting ready to divide.
Mitosis.
Wait. There's gonna be more
ofthese things?
Yeah, a lot more.
Its cycle's starting over again.
It's gonna go on growing...
and doubling until it takes over.
Yeah, but we were here first.
So that Head & Shoulders idea,
is that still the plan orwhat?
I'm driving.
I don't care ifhe's on Air Force One.
They've got phones. I've seen them!
I don't think this
is gonna wait an hour.
Hey, what's that fire truck
doing out there?
Mama.
Can you believe this?
We gotta find a point ofattack.
There!
Nasty!
Allison, stop, stop.
Right here.
- Here we go!
- Get the ladder up!
Feed me the hose, Deke!
- What areyou doing?
- Going up top.
Not before me.
I've got a major score to settle.
Go, go!
We don't have much time. Hurry!
- Left!
- Left!
All right, I got it. I haven't had
too much practice with this thing.
Stop! Stop!
- What's going on?
- I don't know, but it's getting bigger.
What the hell are those guys doing
with that ladder?
Looks like they're getting ready
to administer ajumbo enema.
We got one shot. Let's do this.
It's payback time!
Keep it in there!
What's it look like I'm doing?
It's working!
- Shit!
- Whoa!
What the hell?
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Give me back my friend,
you big sphincter!
She's gonna blow!
Stop kicking!
It's horrible in here!
I gotyou!
- Please. Hold me.
- I gotyou!
Don't let me go!
We gotta get outta here.
This thing's gonna blow.
You cannot imagine
what I've seen in there.
Hurry up, guys!
Ira, don'tyou ever tell anyone
where I've been.
Dear Lord!
Uh-oh. Time to go.
- Go!
- Go!
Whoa! We did it!
Here we go, sir.Just relax,
and we'll haveyoujust as good as new.
I am happy to report
that absolutely all remaining traces...
ofthe alien menace
have been eradicated...
using the selenium shampoo formula
developed right here.
Now let me introduce our civilian
scientist heroes and their team.
The best that the great state ofArizona
has been privileged to produce.
So, this is your moment.
You wouldn't want to miss this
for anything, huh?
Firstly, I would likeyou all
to meet Wayne Grey.
As oftoday,
fully credentialed firefighter.
I spoke to the chief.
Oh, thanks, Governor.
Now our next hero, Professor
Harry Block, noted geologist...
and the winningest coach
in North Arizona's women's volleyball.
I appreciate that, Governor.
Very kind.
First ofall, let's give it up to God.
With Him, all things are possible.
Basically, wejust played tough defense,
took it one alien at a time...
and we were able to come away
with the big W.
Thankyou.
Finally...
Doctors Ira Kane and Allison Reed...
whose tireless efforts and research
and academic findings led to the--
I think he's giving her
a bit ofthe Kane Madness.
Wow! Fighting the alien menace
can be tough work.
And so is keeping your hair clean,
shiny and dandruff-free.
So it's a good thing that we always keep
a healthy supply of--
she was smoking in bed and fell a sleep.
Bad move!
And the fire begins.
It's show time!
Don't worry, ma'am.
I'm here to saveyou!
Keep those people back!
This is an emergency!
Don't you dare die on me!
Breathe, damn it, breathe!
She's gonna make it!
She's gonna make it!
What the--
Oh, damn!
Though it may be hard to believe
that a single biology professor...
making in excess of$1 7,500 a year...
could manage to find time to gradeyour
first biology research papers, I did.
As you can see, there was
a shocking statistical anomaly.
Pretty much all ofyou got A's.
You deserve to congratulateyourselves.
I got a good feeling about this group.
And I think that the parade ofA's will
continue to the end ofthe semester.
So much for the bell curve, right?
Bell curves suck!
Mr. Kane?
Dr. Kane, seems to be a mistake here.
My brother and I each got a C-minus
on our reports.
C-minus. Me too.
Allow me to share something
with the entire class.
As I was grading papers, I came across
two gems, both entitled "Cells Are Bad."
And both withjust one paragraph...
which I unfortunately
committed to memory.
"Cells are bad.
My uncle lives in a cell.
It's ten foot by twelve.
And he has to read the same boring
magazine every day.
The end."
You're talking about our papers,
aren't you, Dr. Kane?
Yes, I am.
Although my standards are not
where they used to be...
I still could not bring myself
to put an A on top ofthose beauties.
Hopeyou understand.
- Sure.
- Yeah, okay.
Let's get back to work at the Periodic
Table which is not, as some suppose--
A meteor? Where?
Route 89-A.
Yeah, I got it.
Rest assured I will be there.
Okay. Bye.
How's it look, Professor?
It's tight.
Really tight, Nadine,
but not too tight.
You just don't have the points.
I'm sorry.
Don't take it too hard. Geology's
a tougher subject than people think.
Areyou sure?
Couldn'tyou check again?
I really need this credit
to get into nursing school.
Nursing school?
Wouldn'tyou be more comfortable where
people's lives weren't dependent on you?
Actually, what I reallywant to be
is Miss Arizona.
But my consultant says nursing school
will really impress thejudges.
- Makes me look like I help people.
- Ready for lunch?
Or haveyou already eaten?
I was concluding a teacher-student
conference with Nadine, Ira.
Harry, your dedication toyourjob
is an inspiration to us all.
Regrettably, I have a prior lunch
engagement with Professor Kane.
We'll talk aboutyour
extra credit later, okay? Cheer up.
Let me grab my stuff.
Whereyou taking me?
A meteor hit last night.
Oh, that's what that was.
As the Glen Canyon representative
ofthe U.S. Geological Survey...
I have been assigned to check it out.
I'm taking you in case I actually have
to do something scientific. Then we eat.
You're a representative
ofthe U.S.G.S.?
Signed up over the Internet.
Wereyou on some cheerleader site
and accidentally linked to the U.S.G.S.?
Something like that.
Watch it. Take it easy.
That's my baby.
Watch it. Take it easy.
That's my baby.
Thereyou go. Easy.
Come on, be careful!
Who's gonna pay me for the damage
to my goddamn car?
Son, I told you we don't do that.
It's force majeure.
Force majeure, my ass!
That car's a classic '73 Buick Rivera.
Who areyou?
Harry Block, United States
Geological Survey.
This is my secretary, Ira Kane.
We're here to investigate the meteor.
Ifthat's what it is.
Ofcourse it's a damn meteor.
It almost blew up my damn car.
I'm still fuzzy on whatyou were
doing here in the middle ofthe night.
With Betty Lou here.
For the thousandth time, I was
practicing for my fireman's exam...
which started seven minutes ago,
so I'd appreciate ifyou let me go.
You and the blonde found the meteor?
Yeah, I found it.
It bounced my car 200 feet
in the air. Can I go?
Bob, get him out ofhere right now.
Don't leave town.
Sheriff, is this...
the point ofpenetration?
Yeah, it punched through
into a cavern 80 feet down.
That's a hole.
Oh, damn it!
Next time, you're carrying this case.
You're the U.S.G.S. representative.
That responsibility
comes with the badge.
Oh, my God! Look at that.
I believe we've located
the target.
- Big smile, fellas.
- Cheese!
Hold it up now.
All right?
It's hot! It's really hot.
I'll hold you up.
More nightstick.
Look at thesejackasses.
At ease, gentlemen.
The Feds are here.
Feds? What Feds?
- Who letyou down here?
- Let's not get combative, Lieutenant.
The U.S.G.S. and local law enforcement
have a long history ofcooperation.
We're here to get some scientific
samples, ifthat's okaywith you guys.
Ah, yeah, sure.
We got all the photographic evidence
we need. Carry on.
Thankyou.
Keep up the good work.
Just hit last night
and it's got stuff growing on it.
Could be cave moss.
Cave moss afterjust a few hours?
That's peculiar.
Let's get a sample
and get out ofhere.
It's bleeding.
It's a rock that bleeds.
Now that's really peculiar.
Let's bag it.
I don't know ifthis geological society
gig is all it's cracked up to be.
Yeah, it pads out my resume,
but am I growing as a person?
Am I growing as a Division Three
women's volleyball coach?
Areyou gonna do those spectro tests
it says to do in the guidebook?
Spectrograph. Yeah, I will do
a full spectroscopic analysis.
Your resume will shine.
Good. I got to get to the game.
Let me know if you find anything.
Ira? Areyou sureyou can handle this
byyour lonesome?
All right, all right.
That's impossible.
Ten base pairs.
No, that can't be.
We need this!
Come on, ladies, look alive!
Tina, when Lisa goes for the spike,
you've got to cover the line.
Lisa, two hands! Two hands!
God gaveyou two goddamn hands
for a reason!
Big news. The most amazing thing.
The meteor samples are teeming
with one-celled organisms.
Their metabolic rates
are offthe charts.
They're dividing at an incredible rate.
It's practically exponential.
Their DNA has ten base pairs.
Ten base pairs. That's good to know.
Thankyou, Ira.
The DNA ofall life on Earth
has only four base pairs.
Come on, ladies!
Look alive!
Harry, these are organisms
from anotherworld.
They're aliens.
Is the Nobel Prize paid in installments,
or in a lump sum like the lottery?
Let's not get ahead ofourselves.
Here. My office.
I'm not getting ahead ofmyself. I'm
concerned about the tax consequences.
- Why in here?
-Just wanted to be cautious.
It's our discovery.
I'm all tingly.
I'm no biologist, but how many cells
do single-celled organisms have?
Ifwe're gonna be important scientists,
you have to act the part.
Why don'tyou take a look?
There are multi-cellular organisms
in there.
- Yes, I know.
- But theyweren't there before.
- So they snuck in.
- There was no sneaking in.
It's-- No, it's too amazing.
- What?
- It's like they're evolving.
They're growing.
They're growing
into more complex organisms.
It's evolution.
Nobel, here we come.
Yeah, but it's 200 million years' worth
injust a few hours.
That's fast.
You have no idea.
Get ready.
On my signal.
Go!
Recruit, wake up.
Wake up!
Go! Go, go, go!
The hose!
This thing here!
Sorry.
- Move it! Move it!
- Wayne, go!
Go, go! Come on!
Buddy, these things happen.
There's another test in six months.
Six months?
I can't wait six months!
At least you still got the pool gig
at the country club, right?
Great. Thanks a lot.
Drive careful.
I got it. I got it!
I do this.
Looks like we got visitors.
Class, since this is our first field
trip, please obey a few simple rules.
Dirt!
Nice footwear.
It's perfect for spelunking.
Don't touch anything.
Don't move anything. Don't even breathe
unless we tell you to.
And wearyour protective gloves
at all times.
- Why do we have to do this?
- Firsthand field experience.
The very meat and potatoes ofgeology.
- Will this be on the final?
- Yes!
- Officer, nice to seeyou again.
- Professor, what's up?
- We came to pick up the rock.
- Pick it up? What?
Yeah, we--
Just orders from the U.S.G.S. Theywant
it under controlled conditions.
It's very technical.
Oh, technical stuff. It's technical.
Okay, go right ahead.
- We're gonna haul it out ofhere.
- Sure, go ahead.
Deke and Danny, rememberwhat
we talked about, right?
You are in charge ofthe hoisting. Get
the winch up to the hole. Understand?
Fellas, stop nodding andjust stare
at me for a second, okay?
Focus.
You understand what I wantyou to do?
- Yeah, we gotyou.
- Yeah.
Go do it.
Ira, I'm picking up
a heavy creepyvibe here.
A lot has changed.
Class, I know these look like mushrooms,
but refrain from eating them.
Oh, it smells disgusting.
Nadine, sometimes science stinks.
It's the game we play, baby.
Rotten egg smell.
- Hydrogen sulfide, right?
- Yeah, and ammonia and methane.
It's like it's converting
the atmosphere.
Look at all this rudimentary plant life.
It's amazing.
I don't want to get all girly, but I
feel something wiggling around my toes.
The ground does seem to be moving.
Whoa!
Flatworms.
Millions!
Yuck!
Oh, God!
Barely 1 8 hours
and we already have fatworms.
- Look, look!
- Hey, there they are!
- Hi, Dr. Kane.
- Hey, Dr. K.!
- Man, I almost went down!
- Awesome.
Come here, little buddy.
I'm not gonna hurtyou.
You didn't hurt it.
You killed it.
The oxygen must have killed it.
It must need its own atmosphere
to live.
Yeah.
Grab a specimenjar. We'll try to scoop
some atmosphere in there with them.
Yeah, right.
It took us two billion years to do
what they did injust a couple ofdays.
Yeah. Those little germs are
the embodiment ofthe American dream.
I'm so sorry to interrupt,
Professor Block.
But I was wondering ifI'm correct
in assuming that that field trip...
fulfilled any ofmy missing
credit requirements.
You know, Nadine,
you are a very, very smart girl.
But ifyou wouldjust focus--
Professor...
the little wigglyworm things
are breaking.
Look.
He's not breaking. It's splitting.
It's mitosis.
That's how they reproduce.
No sex?
No time for sex.
Bummer!
Little guys are splitting again.
Put it away. Look, we call no one,
tell no one. This is our secret, right?
What about the government? Isn't this
the kind ofthing they get involved in?
No government.
I know those people. Absolutely not.
You do?
This is our discovery, and we have
to maintain absolute control.
We have to do more research and check
our findings. Document everything.
Wayne?
What's this?
That would be an all-cotton towel, sir.
I believe it's a Fieldcrest.
It's a damp towel.
Why is a damp towel on my chaise?
Okay, let me take care ofthis
foryou.
You should, becauseyou're pool manager,
and you know what to do about it.
What the hell?
Where did you guys come from?
You're dead now.
Whoa! What the--
Harry, when Icheckedthesamples
thismorning...
Ifoundthree differentsubspecies.
These thingsare evolvingso quickly.
God knows what we'll find
when we get back to the-- Whoa!
Please tell me
there's an air show today.
Shit!
Can I helpyou?
Yeah. Harry Block, Ira Kane.
United States Geological Society.
We're doing some important research.
This is our site.
I'm sorry. Not anymore.
You're not on the list.
What doyou mean?
We come here all the time.
This is not a nightclub.
Why don'tyou take it somewhere else?
I know my Constitutional rights!
Harry!
Look, maybeyou can call your superior.
We can have a word with him.
I have a Harry Block and Ira Kane
claiming--
Punk. What?
You got to know how to talk
to the white man.
- White man gonna get his ass whupped.
- Very sensitive. Can't beyelled at.
- Did you say Kane?
- Yeah.
- The Ira Kane?
- Yeah.
I've been looking forward to this
for a long time. You bastard!
Hey, hey, hey!
Get his gun!
Take it easy. They're good. Up!
You're responsible
for the worst month ofmy life!
- What the hell was that about?
- I don't know.
Drive straight down to the command tent.
They're expecting you.
- Go.
- Thankyou.
That's the guy that had me in diapers
for over a month!
- Men, General Woodman's expecting you.
- Russell Woodman?
What an unexpected surprise.
For me too. I didn't realize
we were on a hugging basis.
The same old Ira Kane.
And you must be--
Harry Block, this is General Russell
Woodman, head of U.S. Army Research.
- General.
- Harry.
You two know each other?
Ira used to work for me.
Right, Ira?
I worked with you, actually.
You used to work in army research
in the Pentagon?
Yeah.
And all this time I thought
you werejust a school teacher.
No. How did you
find out about this?
You leave the Pentagon,
you don't call me, you don't write.
We like to keep tabs
on our prodigal sons.
Soyou tapped my phone?
No. We're not the KGB.
Actually, we've been monitoring
your computer.
His computer?
All those girls in the photos
are over 1 8.
Yes, I'm sure.
- I should've figured.
- Yes.
And you should've known better than to
try to keep something this big from us.
And the CDC.
Just in time. Ira, this is Allison Reed,
senior researcher in epidemiology...
at the CDC.
Nice underwear.
Garter belt? At a day function?
I can do it. Thankyou very much.
I'm okay. Dr. Kane.
I'd heard aboutyour recklessness,
butyou are way out ofline.
Doyou realize how dangerous
this situation could have become?
It's nice to meetyou too, ma'am.
No need to play the blame game, Allison.
No harm, no foul.
We're all very appreciative
of Dr. Kane and Mr. Black's discovery.
Block.
Block. I'm sorry.
The confirmation ofthe existence
oflife outside this planet--
Would be the greatest
scientific discovery ofour time.
Yes, actually.
Yes, it would.
And you have myword thatyou'll be kept
in the loop from this point forward.
You son ofa bitch.
What doyou mean, kept in the loop?
General, we are the loop.
We won't cutyou out,
but we do need to take control.
We're following protocol.
You remember protocol, don'tyou?
Yeah, I got some protocol right here
foryou, Russell. Come and get it.
Look, this research must continue under
careful government control and scrutiny.
We secured the area.
We're constructing an air lock into the
cavern and a field research facility.
So there's not a lot
for the science department...
ofGlen Canyon Community College
to do here.
Did you catch that condescending tone
when he says Glen Canyon Community--
We are following well-established
federal guidelines--
Ma'am, please. Russell, don't pull
this crap. We deserve to be here.
You deserve to be here?
You're lucky anybody's ever letyou
near a science laboratory again, Ira.
You're a disgrace,
and a dangerous one at that.
Lieutenant, show these men out.
This is horseshit.
It's not over.
You're in for a fight, Russell.
Would you stop following me, please?
Thankyou.
We're not gonna bend over
and take this!
Fruit basket for Russell Woodman!
Happy holidays, General!
Cute.
Dr. Kane, areyou asking me
to bar the federal government...
from involvement in a discovery
as significant as this?
No, no. We're asking you to make sure
that the local scientists...
who actually made the discovery
continue to play a significant role.
They kept us out for almost two weeks.
We put our lives on the line to find
these little guys, Your Majesty.
Wejust want to be there for them
as they grow up.
We were the first team at the site and
the initial testing was done in our lab.
The facilities at Glen Canyon Community
College are ajoke, sir.
Theyweren't ajoke
when I went there, General.
Your Honor, ifthe court
would allow me to depose Dr. Kane?
Depose me?
We thinkyour past is very relevant,
Dr. Kane.
These issues speak directly
to his competence as a scientist.
Dr. Kane, you were
a top-level researcher...
at USAMRI D from '94 to '97,
wereyou not?
Yes, that's correct.
And you were summarily dismissed
in the summer of 1 997. Any idea why?
My services were no long required?
Uh-huh. So in your opinion...
your firing had nothing to do
with an experimental anthrax vaccine...
you developed and gave to nearly 140,000
U.S. soldiers in May ofthatyear?
I see whereyou're going with this.
It may have been a factor. You'd have
to ask theJoint Chiefs ofStaff.
I'll make a note to do that.
But for now...
can you tell me what happened
to the soldiers that were inoculated?
Well, none ofthem got anthrax,
ifthat's whatyou're asking.
What did they get?
As with any new vaccine...
there were certain side effects
associated with it.
Could you be more specific?
It was a wide range ofthings.
It's very technical.
I'd hate to waste the court's time
getting into it.
Humor me.
Some debilitating stomach cramps.
Severe diarrhea.
Memory loss.
Yes, go on.
Any more symptoms?
Partial facial paralysis,
temporary blindness, drooling...
bleeding gums, erectile dysfunction,
uncontrollable fatulence.
I think that's it.
One more question.
Doyou happen to remember what the
soldiers called this illness, Dr. Kane?
Yeah, they called it
the Kane Madness.
Keepyour head up.
You know she wanted to giveyou some,
right?
Wereyou even in that courtroom?
Getting barbecued like baby back ribs?
It's all foreplay, baby.
Oh, we've been hit.
Forget the foreplay.
Wejust got screwed.
- Empty.
- This is very, very bad.
Damn it!
I don't care who they are.
Stealing is stealing.
Perfect.
They took the rock, the samples,
all the little wormy critters.
All the data's gone. TheJ PEG files,
the DNA sequences. They cleaned us out.
- I'm calling the cops.
- The cops?
They are the cops!
Then what?
Let me askyou, how comeyou get
to be a colonel and I'm just a private?
I was a colonel.
And you obviously served
your countrywith distinction.
Consideryourselflucky. The penalty
for impersonating an officer is prison.
Yeah, maybe for you, white boy.
Me, they hang.
Colonels first.
I was at it for 12 hours.
My toes were starting to hurt
I was standing so long.
Stop it.
-Just act likeyou belong.
- Don't worry, I got this.
- Pick up that butt, soldier.
- Sorry, sir.
- And tuck that shirt in.
- Yes, sir.
Get the door.
Thankyou, Private.
Don't get used to this.
Oh-oh, look at that.
Enjoyyour lunch, gentlemen.
Okay, I'll be right back.
Your girlfriend, 1 1 :00.
Darn it.
That woman's a menace.
Testing, one, two. One, two.
One, one, one, two.
This is D.J. Harry Block here,
and I'm an Aquarius.
Will you stop?
I can hearyou.
Don'tyou snap at me, unless you want an
angry Solid Gold dancer on your hands.
Lieutenant?
Yeah?
Who's that?
I don't know.
I don't have anything on my schedule.
Maybe it's the guys from sector 1 2
doing a nocturnal specimen run.
- You know how those guys are.
- Oh, yeah.
This place has changed.
Can you believe this?
Look at that.
Our little babies are growing up.
Three weeks, it's already
like a rain forest in here.
Looks like the kitchen
from my first apartment.
Harry, check that guy out.
Is it coming or going?
That treejust ate it.
Everything here seems to be food
for something else.
- So stay offthe menu, huh?
- You got that right.
Ira, come here,
look at these little things.
Cool. Hey, snag one.
- Snag one?
- Snag one and put him in the bucket.
I seen this movie.
The black dude dies first. You snag it.
Don't be scared. We came
for a specimen, now snag one.
He's not gonna hurtyou.
He's turned the otherway.
He's eating.
Come on, my little red lobster.
Come on, my sexy little crustacean.
Come on.
Whoa!
Ira, look at that backside.
Theater in the round.
That's the kind oftrunk space
you want in a late model car.
Who does that remind you of?
I have no idea
whatyou're talking about.
She's been throwing it atyou enough.
- Dr. Reed?
- Bull's-eye.
Excuse me, Dr. Reed?
Did you authorize a walk-through?
Nope. Why?
You should probably take a look
at something. Here.
You'd like to roast that rump.
You'd like to butter that mother.
That is an ice image.
And Iappreciate your assumption...
that there is anactual
sexualhumanbeing...
underneathall Dr. Reed's
deep-seatedneuroses.
- ButIdon't thinkso.
- What?
I thinksheis
ahumorless ice queen.
Ira, that'sjusta cover.
Don'tyouknowthat?
Allsheneeds isagoodhumping.
Oh, Ira. Ira!
Harry, stop that. We got tagetapiece
of the asteroid like we came for.
And cut that out.
It disturbs me.
- Ira!
- Don'tdo that behind my back.
- I'm not doing it. I'm just walking.
- Cut it out.
Let's bag that
and get the hell out ofhere.
I'm readywhen you are, Colonel.
This disco suit is making me chafe.
Shoo, fy.
Hold it right there.
Dr. Reed, so nice to seeyou again.
We werejust leaving.
You're in violation ofthejudge's
orders. I could haveyou arrested.
Want to talk about violations?
What about our lab?
- Got any Raid?
- What areyou talking about?
You stole our computer hard drive,
samples, files. Everything.
- I didn't steal anything.
- Your buddies there cleaned us out.
Let's be honest. You've been trying
to grab credit on our discovery.
All we're trying to do is take back
a piece ofwhat's rightfully ours.
Credit has nothing to do with this.
I'm concerned about public safety.
- Is this true? Areyou aware ofthis?
- No.
Something's in my suit.
You're not gonna believe him. He openly
admitted to hacking into our computer.
Harry, what?
There's something in my suit!
It's impossible. It's sealed!
The fy!
There's a fy in my suit!
- Don't take offyour helmet! Oxygen!
- It'll kill it.
Doyou see it?
Look, look. Doyou see it?
- No.
- No?
- You're all right. Who's the man?
- You're the man.
- No, you're the man.
- I'm the man. Okay.
Oh, God.
It's in me!
For the love ofeverything good and
holy, get this goddamn thing out ofme!
You're gonna be okay.
Cut him open. Let's get this thing.
Cut me open?
There goes your Christmas gift,Judas!
It's moving down his leg.
- What do we do?
- Maybe amputate.
Whoa, don't take the leg!
Don't let 'em take my leg.
Is there anything elseyou can do?
He thinks he's an athlete.
Doctor, look.
It's heading for his testicles.
Take it! Take the leg!
Wait, wait!
It's going the otherway.
Give me some forceps. I might be able
to catch it in his colon.
- How'reyou going in?
- Rectally.
- Ohh!
- I'll get the lubricant.
- No time for lubricant.
- There's always time for lubricant!
- Flip him!
- Go.
Okay, here we go.
- Try to relax.
- Everything's gonna be okay.
I'll shove this gurney upyour ass!
See ifyou relax, Ira.
- Cheek spreader.
- All right. I'm going in.
Don't clench!
You're so brave.
- A little more.
- No more!
- A little deeper.
- No deeper!
- Squeeze my hand. Squeeze it!
- Almost there.
Open up. Open up!
- Breathe. Breathe.
- I'm breathing!
- Almost there.
- You're there!
It's over, it's over.
Itjust died.
Don'tyou ever do that again!
The size ofthat thing insideyou! It
was like this! You took it like a man.
You're all right. You did great.
Can I getyou anything?
Ice cream.
I'd like an ice cream, please.
- What favor?
- It doesn't matter. It's for my ass.
Man! Now I'm a Hawaiian warrior?
I'm thinking seriously about moving.
Maybe to California, start over.
Because ofthe fireman thing?
Big deal. You funked out.
You know how many times
I've funked in my life? A ton.
Hey, pool boy, you watering down
the mai tais?
No, sir.
But let me fixyou something special.
'Causeyou're nothing
but a big, fat monkey turd.
Excuse me?
What?
Drink's almost ready.
Hereyou go.
That should tideyou over.
Anddon'tforget, folks
That's whatyouget, folks
Formaking whoopee
Oh, damn it!
That's gonna stain.
Barry! Barry, where areyou?
I can't seeyou.
Where areyou?
I'm down here, my pet, by the water.
Somethingjust ate Barry Cartwright!
That's too bad.
I don't get it.
How does someone with your background...
credentials and talent
end up...
likeyou?
Thankyou.
Your partner could have died.
What wereyou thinking?
I was desperate.
I've been exiled out here for 5 years,
watching the world pass me by...
and this amazing discovery
falls into my lap.
I look at it as my ticket out ofhere.
But I don't suppose
you would understand that.
No, how could I? I'm a humorless
ice maiden in need ofa good humping.
- You heard that, huh?
- Loud and clear.
Don't thinkyou know
so much about me. You don't.
I'm sure I don't.
Thankyou for not calling the cops.
Oh, be careful!
Stop being such a baby.
I've seen that car before.
No more bran for me.
Hey, girls.
Hey, girls.
Stop. Cut it out.
Hey, it's the meteor guy.
What's in the bag?
Your blow-up doll?
Oh, no. I got something
thatyou're really gonna like.
- What happened toyou?
- Shut up.
You guys teach here?
Yeah.
I was thinking about taking
some classes.
But I decided to hit thejob market
early and get ajump start on things.
Can we helpyou?
Yeah. A guy got killed
at my country club last night.
A real douche bag.
Thatjust doesn't make it right.
It was an animal attack.
Isn't that something?
Happened by the water hazard
on the fourth green.
The lady he was banging saw
the whole thing.
We chased this sucker on the fairway,
and then it died in a sand trap.
Itjust died? How?
Like it was choking to death.
You know? Stopped breathing.
Anyway...
it's like nothing I ever saw before and
I thoughtyou might want to look at it.
Jill, you've got some kind
ofinfestation here.
You have a serious bug problem.
What?
Jill, there's something
in your closet.
Open the door, Grace.
Me? It's your house.
When did you get a dog?
We don't have a damn dog.
I don't think that's a dog.
It's like a rodent.
Or a muskrat or pig.
- How the hell did it get in here?
- It doesn't look too healthy.
Well, it's frightened.
Oh, look, he can barely breathe,
he's so scared.
Come on, cutie pie.
Don't be afraid.
Come on, come on.
That's a good boy.
Yes, 91 1 ?
What the hell is that thing?
Thanks.
Pick me up in an hour. No, two.
Oh, an hour and a halfwould be good.
Thanks.
Hi. Doyou have any messages for me?
Two single beds, please.
We're fighting.
Ira, I'm tired. I've had two hours sleep
and I've got to take a shower.
They're spreading.
You talking about the golfcourse?
Woodman sent a team there two hours ago.
Well, it's too bad you missed
the five-foot amphibian dead in my lab.
They're adapting.
We gotta shut it down.
You're overreacting.
We can handle this.
I used to be arrogant likeyou.
We're both aware ofwhat that led to.
Take me seriously, Allison.
I do takeyou seriously.
Then you gotta talk to Woodman,
'cause he won't listen to me.
We gotta kill these things
while we still can.
All right. I'll discuss it with him,
but I can't promiseyou anything.
Thankyou.
-Just one more thing.
- Yeah?
Doyou thinkyou could ever
be attracted to me?
Bye, Ira.
It'sjust food for thought.
Yeah, she's mine.
I've been an adjunct professor
for fouryears...
but I'm hoping this alien brouhaha
will net me an honorary doctorate.
You gonna finish that bacon?
Yeah, I'm gonna finish it.
I ordered it, didn't I?
So about the coaching girls' volleyball?
Doyou ever get
to see them take showers?
Yeah, all the time.
Sometimes I showerwith them.
You're kidding, right?
- So?
- She's gonna talk to Woodman.
Ah, thank goodness.
I'm okay.
Level with me.
Is there some sort
ofalien attack happening here?
We don't know.
Excuse me,
could I borrowyour cream?
Hi, Denise.
Hello, Ira.
Still setting the world on fire?
Ow.
That's Ira's ex
sitting with the cop.
What's with the police escort? You're
not under arrest. I don't see handcuffs.
That's funny. This is my friend, Sam.
He's about to make detective.
I know Sam. We go way back.
Congratulations.
Maybeyou could look into my missing
shirts. She left with some ofmy shirts.
See what I mean?
I'm not up on the law...
but is it against the law when you leave
somebody's house with what they own?
You wantyour shirt?
Seriously, take it.
You must be cold, right?
Areyou cold? Is that it?
Why should I get to wear the shirt
when it's your shirt?
It's amazing how manywomen
open their shirt to him.
I'm sure he'll letyou borrow the shirt
forjust today. Right, Professor?
Wegota code 12-72 in Valley Vista.
- Gotta go, babe.
- Now?
They're calling.
Wait.
Be careful.
- You'll take care ofthe check, right?
- Yeah.
I want those shirts back, Denise.
Hey, you gotta admit...
this animal attack
has an ominous feel to it.
Check it out?
- Check it out.
- All right!
We're under the microscope so let's be
systematic and subtle in what we do.
- No cowboy stuff, okay?
- Professionals.
OfficerJohnson.
- Fellas, why areyou here?
- We heard about the animal attack.
And part ofourjob
with the Health Department...
is to ascertain
ifthere's any health risk.
You know what? No. Not this time.
Forget about it.
- You touch it with your bare hands?
- That would be a serious no-no.
- You did? He touched it.
- That's not good.
- What do we do?
- I don't know.
Okay, why don'tyou guys come in
and take a look?
I'll be checking things out around here
in this vicinity.
This dog is all ass.
Ira, look at this, man.
He would have come
from in here, right?
It'sjust used for storage
and access under the house.
Looks like he crawled right through
the dirt there.
Hey, guys.
I was conducting a parameter check...
and there's something
you'd better see.
You liked that thing,
you're gonna love this.
What is it?
Great googa-mooga!
What'd I tell you?
They're crawling out.
They're trying to breathe
in our atmosphere.
Fortunately, they haven't been able
to adaptyet.
Hey, Ira, I think I know
how these things got here.
How?
Well, this entire area...
is a honeycomb ofcaves
and old mine shafts.
Ifmemory serves,
the Moenave cave system...
starts a few miles from here,
west ofthe golfcourse.
Runs into the foothills, continues to
the Kaibab plateau and into Lake Powell.
Our cave is smack dab
in the middle ofthe system.
It's all connected.
- Could you repeat that?
- I'm impressed.
Hey, beneath this calm, sexy exterior
beats the heart ofa true scientist.
Whoa, guys! That one's moving.
What the hell is it doing?
It's trying to breathe.
That's like a big loogie!
Mazeltov. It's a boy.
It's oxygen tolerant.
It's fying away.
Is that a bad thing?
Only ifyou're a human being.
You know how much I hate shopping.
We need to find you something
nice forThanksgiving.
I got enough clothes.
Tony, that color's great on you.
Whoa.
This might be the place.
Ever used one ofthese before?
Just 'cause I'm a school teacher,
don't make me a pussy.
Ladies, a fying extraterrestrial's
in the store. Can we focus?
I'm in here.Just a minute.
Just a second, please.
I said,just a second, bitch!
How'd you like me to scratch
the eyes out ofyour skull?
Here, birdy-birdy-birdy.
Birdy!
All right.
IfI was a giant, nasty alien bird
in a department store, where would I be?
Lingerie.
- Notyou, the bird.
- Lingerie.
Help!
You go low. I'm going high.
Got it.
We'll never find it.
I lost him!
How doyou lose a 20-foot bird
in the mall?
Ira, I don't know.
What do we do now?
We've established that "ca-caw, ca-caw"
and "tookie-tookie" don't work.
Right. Sorry.
What doyou say, Ira?
Pack it in?
Youare
Sobeautifultome
Step back, Harry.
I'm gonna shoot him.
Stand down.
I'm gonna kill this one myself.
Give me a chance.
I'm communicating here.
Youaresobeautiful
Tome
Wayne, would you please stop,
becauseyou are embarrassing me.
Can'tyousee
You're every--
You're everything
thatIhope for
It's working.
Yeah, sing, sing.
Rub some funk on it.
Andyou're everythingIneed
Here he comes!
- Grab the girl. I'll get the bird.
- Got it!
All right! Nice shot.
I'm sorry. I swear to God
I will never shoplift again.
Good.
So what doyou want?
Light meat or dark?
You have to ask?
It's dead now.
Yeah.
Got tostart to feelin'solow
AndIdecidedquickly
Yes, Idid
To disco downandcheck out theshow
Yeah, they were dancin'andsingin'
Andmovin'to thegroovin'
Andjust whenithitme
Somebodyturnedaroundandshouted
Play thatfunkymusic, whiteboy
Play thatfunkymusic right
I'mstandingat the edge of
the Valley Vistahousingcommunity...
wherejust below me there are dozens
ofgiant, odd-looking dead creatures.
We should stress to ourviewers that
we have received no official word from--
I saw this ugly tentacle thing
come out ofthe ground.
It tried to grab my private parts.
Batted it away.
Got my hand.
An atmosphere ofanxiety and confusion
in the greater Glen Canyon area.
We stand outside
the state capitol building...
awaiting comment from the governor's
office about the nature and origin...
ofthese extraordinary creatures.
Governor Lewis, this way.
Whywas I not informed that we have
aliens crawling over my beloved state?
I've got 400 media vultures outside my
office who know more about this than I.
I ought to throw all ofyou in prison.
Not that cushy federal place
with the loosejumpsuits.
State prison, with the crotch binders!
I'm sorry, but there were security
breaches made by Dr. Kane and his team.
Wait a minute. No, no. Excuse me.
That's not exactly true,
General Woodman.
I believe the Governor's question
was directed at me, Dr. Reed.
Put a plug in it. I'm not interested
in your bureaucratic crapola.
What I reallywant to know is
how bad this thing is.
It's bad, Governor.
The new ground sensors
and the satellite thermal scans...
indicate a potential problem.
I don't know how to read this!
What problem?
Somebody, please, take this ugly bag
ofsnakes and lay them out straight.
- Allow me.
- You are--
Dr. Allison Reed.
How doyou do?
Carla, would you mind
The red markings indicate the growth
ofthe alien ecosystem.
Unless we do something immediately,
we will lose Glen Canyon in three days.
Great merciful Christ.
In a week, the rest ofArizona.
Then the entire Southwest.
In two months, the United States
officially belongs to them.
And we are extinct.
You're shittin' me!
Come on, admit it.
You're glad to see us, huh?
I, for one, am glad to seeyou.
Call the MP's. Have them arrested.
Hey, wejust blew a giant alien bird
out ofa department store.
We're covering upyour mess.
Governor, Dr. Ira Kane. I'm chairman of
the science department at the college.
My associate.
Harry Phineas Block, adjunct professor
ofgeology. Voted foryou.
Wayne Grey. Took some chemistry
in high school.
You two gentlemen are the original
discovers ofthe phenomena, correct?
Yes, they are. And they're also
responsible for the mess we're in now.
- Here we go.
- What?
They broke into the contained area
and breached our safety procedures.
Causing the dissemination ofalien
organisms outside the secured area.
- Liar, liar, pants on fire!
- Criminal charges are in order here.
This is bullshit!
Shut up! Listen.
My state is being overrun
byvicious aliens.
You're all supposed to be the experts.
I want to know right now.
How the hell areyou supposed
to deal with this?
This is an outline ofthe infected area
as ofthis afternoon.
Governor, my plan...
is to evacuate everyone from
within five miles ofthe perimeter.
Evacuation? You're talking
about 10,000 people.
Yes, sir. We evacuate, make it safe...
and then burn the alien menace
the hell out ofthere.
With what?
With napalm.
Lots and lots ofnapalm.
Napalm? Why don'tyoujust nuke them
whileyou're at it?
What about nukes?
Pull your horns in, boys.
Nobody's dropping an H-bomb on my state.
All this talk about napalm and burning
things makes me very damn nervous.
It should. We don't know their reaction
to such an attack on a cellular level.
Governor, it is time for
a military solution. This will work.
General, sorry to interrupt.
You better take a look at this.
What?
Clear out.
What? You called me out for this?
Sir, one ofthe creatures
destroyed video four.
What's going on there?
My God!
They've evolved into primates.
That's a face for radio.
They took out six and seven.
All the monitors are down.
That can't be good.
That's the elevator.
We have no personnel down there.
They breached the air lock.
The no-nose chimp?
Call for backup.
We need backup!
They're going through the elevator!
Cover the elevator!
Stay back behind me.
Get the hell offme!
I want to see this thing!
Be prepared to fire.
It's empty, sir.
The governor!
- Do something!
- Hold your fire!
You'll get somebody killed.
Nice shot.
I'll take that now.
You have my full support to do whatever
you need to do, however much firepower.
You can melt the place to beaded glass
ifthat's what it takes.
Just get these hell-blown creazoids
out ofmy state!
Thankyou, Governor.
I'll be ready to go by noon tomorrow.
Good.
- Where haveyou two been?
- I was getting out ofthe way.
Get me out ofhere.
Science project's over.
I wantyou and your people gone.
- Soldier, escort these men out.
- Yes, sir.
Don'tyou have work to do?
You are such an asshole.
When a woman expresses anger,
it's often because--
Shut up, Flemming.
Okay, I know where the car is.
Wipe my ass too?
Hey, guys?
Got room for one more?
Hell, yeah.
Who wants to be deputy director anyway?
The real money's in the private sector.
- Areyou sure about this?
- Oh, yeah.
Listen, it may not seem like much, but
I gotyour research files and samples.
So, ifwe survive this,
you guys will get the credit.
Thankyou.
- It's nothing.
- No, thank-- Let me get this.
- No, I got it.
- All right.
Sorry. Excuse me.
We haven't been formally introduced yet.
I'm Wayne Grey.
- Oh, hey, I'm kinda with him.
- Oh, that's cool.
Buckle up, Allison. We're rolling.
Okay. Oh, goodness!
Facilitiesarebeingprovided
foryouandyour families.
Pleasemove inan orderly fashion
to thesafe zone.
They're gonna blow up the whole town.
Attention. Weneedto clearthisarea.
Foryourownsafety,
evacuateimmediately.
Can you make a beer run?
- Professor Kane!
- Arizona is going down, baby!
This may not be the best time
foryou boys to be drinking.
I was your first.
We discovered you in that cave.
You were scared and alone.
It was just you, me and Harry
in the beginning. Those were good times.
Why don't you level with me?
You can trust me.
Talk to me.
Just tell me the secret.
Tell me the answer.
Tell me how to kill you!
You are losing it, pal.
What is that stuff?
Some ofthe original liquid material
from inside the meteor.
- Why hasn't it evolved like the rest?
- I don't know.
Maybe because it was refrigerated...
was locked in an airtight case,
didn't have anything to metabolize with.
But regardless, that doesn't give us
any clues to--
When did you start smoking?
Not much ofa point
to clean living anymore.
Whoa!
These things react to fire
like it was Miracle-Gro.
Fire.
The organisms were dormant in space and
then collided with Earth's atmosphere.
And bam! Heat. Fire.
That's the catalyst.
So ifa little match catalyzes this
stuff, what's a ton ofnapalm gonna do?
So much for the military option.
Call that dick general.
That's a lot ofnapalm.
Yes, it is.
We're going to blow those damn creatures
straight to hell.
We'll fush them out
along the mine shafts...
then mop up the edges as they run
trying to escape the fames.
Excuse me, General.
There's an urgent call from Dr. Reed.
She says she has important information
about the mission.
Really? Well, unfortunately,
I'm not available.
Anything more?
No, sir.
He blew me off.
Can you believe it?
That bastard
wouldn't even take my call.
You did call him an asshole.
- Hey, Dr. K. Time to party.
- We got beer.
- I'll take one.
- Me too. I just quit smoking.
What areyou boys doing here?
We thoughtyou could use a brewski
to mellow out.
Kick back and chill.
Have a beer, relax.
It's gonna helpyou with your research.
Whoa! Look at that thing!
Whoa! Can we have that when you guys
are done with it?
Fellas, thankyou foryour help
and the beers, but we're working.
Hold it. Hold it.
- Look at that.
- What areyou doing?
Selenium.
That could be the answer.
I'm looking at the Periodic Table on
yourT-shirt and I see this pattern.
- Take offyour shirt. I'll showyou.
- Yes!
No, I don't think so.
We are a carbon based life-form.
Keep pulling, Dr. K.
We move down here, and you've found
our poison: arsenic.
But the aliens are nitrogen based,
right?
You make the same move down and over...
and where doyou find yourself?
- Selenium.
- Selenium.
Could be as lethal to them
as arsenic is to us.
And with their metabolic rates,
it'll kill them fast.
Selenium. How much do we need?
Five hundred gallons could do it,
should do it.
Five hundred gallons?
Um, I hate to be a buzzkill, but where
are we gonna get that at 2:00 a.m.?
No problem.
Yeah, we can get that.
Head & Shoulders.
The dandruffshampoo?
Yeah, that's the stuff. The active
ingredient is selenium sulfide.
How doyou know that?
You don't know anything.
Haven'tyou noticed how shiny
and fake-free our hair is?
Okay, this is the best idea we got.
Let's give it a shot. Come on.
Let's do it!
Yeah! We'll get the troops together.
We're getting shampoo!
I've got the vehicle.
Good! Donalds, youjust gotyourA's.
Yes!
Almost full.
There's something I feel I should
tell you, but I don't know exactly how.
Just say it. We're adults and we're all
about to die a very horrible death.
So?
I would've rocked yourworld.
- You already have.
- We're full!
Battle stations! Lock and load!
- Can we continue this discussion later?
- Yes.
Let's do this!
Let's shampoo us some aliens!
Lots ofsoldiers around.
There's an abandoned mine halfa click
south ofhere. We can sneak in there.
Halfa click? What areyou,
in Vietnam?
Hey, I'm digging this.
Workwith me, baby.
It's over here!
It's right here!
- You okay?
- I'm good. I'm good.
- Let's go!
- Let's do this!
You sure this leads
to the main cavern?
It'll lead us somewhere.
Geology's not an exact science.
Where areyou?
Where areyou, my little aliens?
Showyourself.
Warm to the touch.
Highly acidic.
We do not have time foryou to act
likeyou know whatyou're doing.
- What happened to the respect?
- Woodman's going at noon. Hurry.
Very good.
- Are the troops in place?
- They're ahead ofschedule.
Excellent. We can go early.
Oh, no. What is he doing here?
Governor Lewis.
I don't see anything burning.
Where are all the explosions?
We'rejust getting underway. Didn't know
you were coming to see the show.
You damn well better make it
a good one, Sergeant.
That's General.
Not ifyou screw this up.
Keeping my chairwarm for me?
Thankyou.
I'll take a pair ofspy glasses
and a hot chocolate.
Give me a hose.
Get up top. When I giveyou the signal,
start pumping the selenium.
Got it.
Okay, we're gonna spray all around
the meteor, then get out ofhere fast.
Oh, blue monkey!
Wayne, charge the line now!
- That's the napalm!
- Woodman went early!
Bad, bad, bad, bad!
Wayne, come on!
Okay, I'm out!
Oh! We gotta go!
Go! Go, go! Faster! Get up there!
- Go!
- Run foryour life!
Quite the bonfire, General Woodman.
Should've brought some wieners.
That can be arranged.
- First reports are excellent, sir.
- Very good.
Keep it together, Wayne.
Keep it together.
Oh, my God.
What's happening?
- It's coming!
- What's coming?
Get outta here!
General, look.
Hurry!
Drive!
Go! Go!
Fall back. Fall back!
What the hell is that thing?
The napalm forced an evolutionary
response,just like the match.
That's evolution?
Survival ofthe fittest. Often
the simplest organism is the strongest.
It's freaking out.
It's starting to have some sort
ofspaz attack.
No, that's not spazzing out.
It's getting ready to divide.
Mitosis.
Wait. There's gonna be more
ofthese things?
Yeah, a lot more.
Its cycle's starting over again.
It's gonna go on growing...
and doubling until it takes over.
Yeah, but we were here first.
So that Head & Shoulders idea,
is that still the plan orwhat?
I'm driving.
I don't care ifhe's on Air Force One.
They've got phones. I've seen them!
I don't think this
is gonna wait an hour.
Hey, what's that fire truck
doing out there?
Mama.
Can you believe this?
We gotta find a point ofattack.
There!
Nasty!
Allison, stop, stop.
Right here.
- Here we go!
- Get the ladder up!
Feed me the hose, Deke!
- What areyou doing?
- Going up top.
Not before me.
I've got a major score to settle.
Go, go!
We don't have much time. Hurry!
- Left!
- Left!
All right, I got it. I haven't had
too much practice with this thing.
Stop! Stop!
- What's going on?
- I don't know, but it's getting bigger.
What the hell are those guys doing
with that ladder?
Looks like they're getting ready
to administer ajumbo enema.
We got one shot. Let's do this.
It's payback time!
Keep it in there!
What's it look like I'm doing?
It's working!
- Shit!
- Whoa!
What the hell?
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Give me back my friend,
you big sphincter!
She's gonna blow!
Stop kicking!
It's horrible in here!
I gotyou!
- Please. Hold me.
- I gotyou!
Don't let me go!
We gotta get outta here.
This thing's gonna blow.
You cannot imagine
what I've seen in there.
Hurry up, guys!
Ira, don'tyou ever tell anyone
where I've been.
Dear Lord!
Uh-oh. Time to go.
- Go!
- Go!
Whoa! We did it!
Here we go, sir.Just relax,
and we'll haveyoujust as good as new.
I am happy to report
that absolutely all remaining traces...
ofthe alien menace
have been eradicated...
using the selenium shampoo formula
developed right here.
Now let me introduce our civilian
scientist heroes and their team.
The best that the great state ofArizona
has been privileged to produce.
So, this is your moment.
You wouldn't want to miss this
for anything, huh?
Firstly, I would likeyou all
to meet Wayne Grey.
As oftoday,
fully credentialed firefighter.
I spoke to the chief.
Oh, thanks, Governor.
Now our next hero, Professor
Harry Block, noted geologist...
and the winningest coach
in North Arizona's women's volleyball.
I appreciate that, Governor.
Very kind.
First ofall, let's give it up to God.
With Him, all things are possible.
Basically, wejust played tough defense,
took it one alien at a time...
and we were able to come away
with the big W.
Thankyou.
Finally...
Doctors Ira Kane and Allison Reed...
whose tireless efforts and research
and academic findings led to the--
I think he's giving her
a bit ofthe Kane Madness.
Wow! Fighting the alien menace
can be tough work.
And so is keeping your hair clean,
shiny and dandruff-free.
So it's a good thing that we always keep
a healthy supply of--