Fanboys (2008) Movie Script
When we're winning
We'll be singing
I get knocked down
but I get up again
You're never gonna
keep me down
I get knocked down
but I get up again
You're never gonna
keep me down
I get knocked down
but I get up again
You're never gonna
keep me down
I get knocked down
Halloween just got awesome, bitches!
Prepare for the entrance of Lord Vader.
Give yourself to the Dark Side.
It's the only way you can save-
You wore the same thing last year.
- You son of a bitch.
- I'm sorry, guys. My codpiece is killing me.
It's totally restricting my junk.
You're gonna spill it or fill it, dude?
Zoe.
- Hi.
- Oh, my God. It's been a long time.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
You are...
something with tampons.
I'm Picasso's Blue Period.
- Get it? Blue Period.
- Hmm.
And you are?
Corporate sleaze?
Car salesman.
I came straight from work, so this is-
- Weak as usual, Bottler.
- Thank you.
Are you here
for a reunion with the boys?
Nope. That's just a pleasant surprise.
Watch the cape, uh, uh-
Well, enter at your own risk.
Oh, my God.
You guys have both got to stop
perpetuating this myth...
that Boba Fett is some kind of bad-ass.
All right? He has a jet pack.
So did the Rocketeer.
- Really cool.
- Here we go.
When it comes time for battle, the man's
Michael Bay- all style, no substance.
If you diss the Fett again...
I will corn-hole you with a light saber!
Whoop, there it is
- Jesus. Is that Bottler?
- Whoop, there it is
- Hey, guys.
- Whoop, there it is
Whoop, there it is
You got a lot of nerve
showing your face around here.
Give Daddy a huggy.
- Yeah!
- Stop.
You little bastard, I missed you.
I hope that's just your blaster poking me.
- God, it's been parsecs.
- Yeah, it's good to see you too, man.
- Linus.
- Hmm.
- It's been, like, a year now, right?
- Three.
- You still drawing?
- No. I bailed on that shit after high school.
- How's life in the auto trade?
- Still second in command to the old man.
Um, you?
Comic book store's still afloat...
but the geeks aren't biting
like the old days.
- You?
- Get my money together so I can
start my detailing business.
I'm gonna call it the Hutch Touch.
That's funny. I could've sworn you were
delivering pizza and living in your mom's garage.
It's not a garage.
It's a carriage house.
Carriage house.
- How is your carriage?
Ah! Ah! Ah!
Hey, uh, have any of you guys
seen the phone jack?
Uh, no, but I have seen
the social retard...
who brought his Toughbook to a party.
- I promised Rogue Leader
I'd write her back tonight.
- Oh, God.
- She is my girlfriend.
- On-line girlfriend.
I met her in a Jedi chat room.
The woman is perfect.
She's intelligent and acerbic and, uh-
and a die-hard fan.
She's even got connections
inside the Lucas camp.
Who's also got
a man package and a goatee.
You guys are all just jealous
because she describes herself...
as a cross between
Sarah Michelle Gellar...
- and Janeane Garofalo.
Tell 'em how you described yourself.
I was perfectly honest with her.
- You said you looked like
a white Billy Dee Williams.
You called yourself white chocolate.
I am white chocolate.
Oh, oh! Windows, it's my turn.
- Give it to me.
- Midnight. Another day down.
Ah! Okay.
Official Episode I countdown...
is six months, 12 days,
eight hours and some change.
I would sell my soul to see
that movie right here right now.
Dude, I would sell my left nut.
And I only have the one nut.
- So you see how serious I am?
- I cannot listen to this shit
for another six months.
Oh, shush your mouth, woman.
You know, we could see the movie.
- Oh, please, not this again.
- Oh, yes, please, this again.
"Tell us about
the rabbits, George. George."
Imagine.
Okay?
We drive across the country in one night.
We break into the Skywalker Ranch...
and steal ourselves a print.
- Yeah!
You guys have been talking about this
since the fifth grade, okay?
- It's not gonna happen.
- Why the hell not?
Well, first of all, it's 2,000 miles away.
Second of all, even if you could get there,
you'd be arrested.
It's been a blast, Bottler.
Way to douche up the party.
Nothing is impossible.
And I'll guarantee I'll find you a new
or used car, or my name isn't Big Chuck.
- Right, girls?
- Ooh-hoo!
Hoo!
Yeah!
All right!
Attaboy, Eric.
Now, see, that's some slick advertising.
Thanks, Pop.
Reminds me of, what, that
Terry Bruckheimer movies.
Yeah. Top Gun.
- Thanks.
- Hiya, Eric.
I'll handle this, Myron.
Thanks.
- Hey.
- We're in the market for some used droids.
I should start you guys off
with a new set of wheels first...
unless you're cool riding
around in the same rusted old shit box...
you've had since the 10th grade.
Hey, hey, hey!
She may not look like much,
but she's got it where it counts.
Uh, why are you guys here?
Do you wanna look around the lot a little bit,
drive something? What?
No. Uh, we came to talk about Linus.
Well, he just needs to realize
that people lose touch.
- That's just kind of the way things work.
- He's dying, Eric.
- What?
- He's got cancer, man.
He's tried everything to get better,
but nothing seems to work.
Odds say three, four months maybe.
And you guys are telling me this now?
We wanted to tell you
months ago, honestly...
but Linus made us promise
not to say anything.
The way we see it, you guys have been
best friends since, like, first grade.
So we figured you got the right to know.
You got the right to make your peace.
How am I supposed to make my peace
when the guy doesn't even want me to know?
With all due respect, Eric,
this isn't about you.
- I-You know what?
- Holy shit.
- Jesus Christ.
- If it ain't C-3Penis Face and R2-Dickhead.
What did you just say, you giant bastard?
- Well, well put.
- Thank you.
- Still see you're driving the nerd-mobile.
- Chaz, you're an idiot.
Hey, you know what? While you're out here
sticking G.I. Joes up your butt...
I convinced Dad to let me
recut the commercial.
So suck it. Huh?
Aw, see, you flinched.
That's gonna be two, Princess Leia.
Nanu-nanu.
Get a haircut.
- We should have killed him
when we had the chance.
- Yeah.
Jackass. Linus is coming over
to the carriage house later. So are you.
Bye, Eric.
No lightning! No lightning!
- Aw, shit. I'm a midget.
- I'm gonna flatten your ass right now.
Ah!
Suck it, Count Fagula.
Wow!
- There's no teaming up.
That's a rule!
-
Owl Head cramp!
Don't kill me.
- Hey.
- Donkey balls.
You made it, man.
Your mom said clean up this shit-hole
or no grilled cheese for a week?
That's emotional blackmail,
and you know it!
- Screw you!
- I will sue you! Renter's rights!
- You don't pay rent!
- Damn. Damn!
- What the hell is he doing here, man?
- It was Hutch's idea.
Grab a controller.
We're ganging up on Windows in Mario Kart.
I can't.
I came to talk to Linus actually.
Can I talk to you alone, man?
Linus. Hey, stop walking.
Linus! Hold up, man.
- Stop. What the hell, man?
I did nothing to you.
- Exactly. You did nothing.
Absolutely nothing.
Eric Bottler graduates high school
and never looks back.
You bailed on our plan, Bottler!
What plan?
To be the next big thing in comics?
Come on, man.
That was never gonna happen.
I did what I had to do, dude. I grew up.
I'm the only one who did.
- Look at you guys.
- You can fool everybody...
with this cheap suit,
salesman-of-the-year pitch.
But I know you better than anybody...
and deep down,
you are one miserable son of a bitch.
- Miserable, huh?
- Yeah. Miserable.
Miserable is wasting your life
in Hutch's garage playing video games...
arguing whether or not
Luke really had a thing for Leia.
You know as well as anybody...
that as soon as Luke knew Leia
was his sister, it was hands off.
They still kiss.
That was Leia kissing Luke
to make Han jealous.
That was the second time.
The first time-
The first time they're about to die!
- They were not, you liar.
- They were swinging 30,000 feet in the air.
You know when you're a sibling, okay?
There's something innate.
- There's no telepathy between
Luke and Leia till Episode VI.
- It spans the ocean.
It was romance in a sci-fi opera!
Who cares about this shit, man? Huh?
- Who cares about-
- I do. I care.
You need a new car.
They were siblings.
They were siblings, you sick bastard!
You are trapped now.
You've made your last mistake.
We need to talk.
Sure, Pop.
What's up?
Okay. Here's the deal.
It's time for the world
to see the new face of this company.
And his name's Big Eric.
Big Eric who?
Big Eric you.
It's all yours, kiddo.
The entire shebang.
All 15 locations, from here to Seattle.
I mean- Uh, yes.
Yeah. I mean, wow.
- Take the hat.
- I can't take your hat.
Go ahead.
No, really.
It looks good on you.
- Take the hat.
- But it's really-
- Take the damn hat.
- Yeah. I'll wear it for-
My God. Your mom would be so proud
to see you in that hat.
I know, Pop.
Hey. You and me?
Tanning Tuesdays?
You want to take your shirt off.
You want to take your shirt off. God.
- You wanna take that shirt off?
- Asshole.
You have been trying that Jedi mind shit
on me since the eighth grade.
- It doesn't work.
- Oh, it works. Tell her, Windows.
- He's been geeking out
with Rogue Leader all morning.
Nothing can tear him away.
- Ah!
- Rogue Leader, you are wicked.
Ah, I love the feeling of fresh air
on my naked breasts.
Oh, ho-ho!
See that?
Man's immune to sweater yams.
What about me?
I like sweater yams!
Hey.
What'll it be, fellas?
- How much for the phaser gun?
- For the phaser gun?
Sorry, Garfunke!.
We don't hock Trek here.
Well, then, Slim,
if you don't sell the Trek...
then why do you have
a phaser gun in the case?
We keep this one here to suss out
Trekkie bitches like yourself...
and tell them to get
the hell off of our land.
So get the hell off of our land.
Get the hell off of our land!
Get the hell out of here! Now!
Get out of here,
you Kirk-lovin'Spock-suckers!
- Hey.
- Hey.
You guys know where a guy can pawn off
a first edition Eric Bottler comic?
- Hey!
- Holy cannolis.
Look at that.
Yeah. That's awesome.
Dude, you had sick skills back then.
You should've stuck with it, brother.
Yeah. I would've been broke and living
in my parents' garage.
- It's a carriage house.
- Right. I know it is.
I have something else
that you guys might wanna check out.
Well, what have we got here?
Ohio to Califor-
Is this what I think it is?
Linus laid the whole thing out in fifth grade.
I figure it's time
for another epic journey, isn't it?
What's your game plan?
We storm the ranch, or we die trying.
Yeah.
Well, you guys were
all about this at the party.
- We were six Zimas to the wind at the party.
- Drunk.
Come on. You even said the Rogue Leader
has connections inside the ranch, right?
Rogue Leader? Please, man.
Windows never even met him.
- Her!
- Him.
- Maybe it's time that he does.
- Dude, this is a suicide mission, man.
Why would we even try anything like this?
For Linus.
Huh?
No.
- No?
- No. I'm not going.
Aw, Linus, you've got to go.
This is a conquest for the ages.
Our names shall become legend...
spoken in hushed tones
by nerds across the galaxy.
And we'll get laid.
More than
we've ever been laid
- Okay, please stop that.
- Sorry. I was getting into that.
I just don't wanna go
with Opie over there.
Check this out, man.
Floor plans to the Lucas Ranch.
- Yeah. Mm-hmm.
- Are you kidding? How did you get these?
My life partner, Rogue Leader,
she can break us in, man.
The question you got to ask yourself is...
"Do you have the nut sack
to go through with it?"
If I do this, it doesn't change anything.
I'll grab my suitcase
and some Big League Chew.
- Yes!
- ThunderCats! Ho!
- Told you. I knew he'd go.
- Stop humping.
Please stop humping.
Just high five.
- Oh, God. I'm Jabba the Hump.
- Oh, goddamn it.
- Chewie!
- Chewie! Damn it!
Wait a second. Whoa.
What the hell's Chewie?
It's the same rules as shotgun.
Either way, I always lose.
- Furball, you do the honors?
- Yeah.
Strap in, fellas.
Whoo!
What the hell, Hutch?
It's all Rush.
- Ever want a little variety?
- Rush is variety, bitch.
- Oh!
Rule number one:
in my van, it's Rush.
All Rush, all the time.
No exceptions.
Rule number two:
nobody touch the red button.
And I mean never touch the red button.
Most importantly,
rule number three:
there's no jerking it in my van.
What?
Fine.
Don't roll your eyes at me, Admiral Jackbar.
"Established in 1985...
"the Skywalker Ranch
is the headquarters...
of George Lucas's filmmaking empire."
So according to Rogue Leader's map...
our best odds for finding
the film is in here- the main house.
Oh, my God.
That place is legendary.
And we meet Rogue Leader at a coffee shop
in Texas Wednesday, 3:00 p. m. sharp.
- Mm-hmm.
- She's gonna give us
absolutely everything we need...
- to get into the compound.
- Nice.
White chocolate finally gets
to meet his dream girl.
- Oh!
- Ooh! Ooh!
Well, according to this,
80 West is our fastest route.
So we got 26 hours
to make it to Texas, boys.
Consider it done.
Ah!
-
- Wakey, wakey. Hands off steakey.
- It's time for Hutch's pit stop.
- Where are we?
Some say heaven.
I like to call it Iowa.
Iowa?
What about Rogue Leader?
- Iowa?
- Yeah. I made a little detour.
Hutch, we're supposed
to be going to Texas.
Welcome to Riverside, gentlemen...
future birthplace of one
Captain James T. Kirk.
Enemy territory! Nice.
Man, you drove all night for this?
Dude, I'd drive all year for the chance
to pimp slap some Trekkies.
You know what?
Leave me out of it.
Let's crack some Trekkie skulls!
Let's do it!
And it is believed
that on this very spot...
Captain James Tiberius Kirk will be born.
Hence, the statue immortalizing him...
grappling with his most accursed nemesis.
Ricardo Montalbn?
Genetically engineered tyrant Khan.
- It doesn't look like either of them.
- Thank you for pointing that out.
That is because the whores at Viacom
International threatened to sue us...
if we used their likenesses,
so we make do.
Yes. The gentleman in the beige.
I was wondering what did Sulu find
in Captain Kirk's lavatory.
Sulu clearly found a standard issue
Starfleet Z23 personal refuse device.
I believe it was the Captain's log.
- Very good.
A laugh a day keeps the doctor away, everyone.
We've been saved.
- Ooh.
- Any other comic relief?
- Ah!
- There's still homeless out there.
- Hey!
- Yes! What? You! What? Yes.
What is the Klingon translation
for,"You're gonna die a virgin"?
-
Yeah. Yeah. Okay.
Hilarious, everyone.
Looks like we got more Lucas hounds
here to mock Roddenberry.
Congratulations, gentlemen,
but I would like to see...
your Darth Vader take on one Borg drone.
And we'll see who's laughing then.
Am I right?
Darth Vader can put the entire
Borg collective in a vice grip with his mind.
Uh, Darth Vader has asthma...
so name me one Star Trek character
with a respiratory disease...
'cause I'm drawing a blank.
Name me one
Star Wars character who's gay.
- Yeah.
- Besides you.
Well, no one's gay in Star Trek,
so why would I even do that?
Captain Picard.
Captain Picard is not gay.
He's British.
- Come on."Make it so!"
- Ah-ah
I hate to break it to you losers,
but Han Solo's a bitch.
Ah, no, he didn't. No, he didn't.
What did you just say?
- Is there a problem here?
- Yeah, there sure is, Spock.
The admiral here just
called Han Solo a bitch.
- Good one.
- Some pretty strong words for a Trekkie.
A Trekkie is derogatory
at this point in the game.
Trekker is what we're called now.
Trekker.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Trekkie.
Just take a look-see here.
What's with the man-purse?
Yep. As I thought...
scanner reads"douche bag."
Push me, I'll kill your whole Starfleet.
Unbelievable!
Snikt! Snitk!
Come on, bub!
Attack, you cowards!
That's an order!
- Hutch!
- Cover me, Windows!
Evasive maneuvers!
Evasive maneuvers!
- My ear!
- Ha-ha!
Nighty-night, Spock-sucker.
Beam this, bitch!
Time-out!
I call time-out! Time-out!
- Disable their vehicle.
- Get in! Go!
Get in the van!
Get in the van!
Disable the vehicle.
Kill the Star-roids!
Get them!
Han Solo is still a bitch!
Nobody calls Han Solo a bitch.
Yeah!
Hey, Bottler, hit 'em
with the pressed ham!
Klingon to this.
Kha-a-a-an!
Kha-a-a-an!
Whoo!
I took that Vulcan down hard.
I rolled him into the dirt
like he was my frickin tauntaun.
Tauntaun, my ass. If it wasn't for me,
you guys would all be dead.
What fight were you watching?
I was channeling the emperor.
The emperor? I don't remember the emperor
crapping his robe and screaming"time-out."
- Oh, my God. That's right.
- There is such a thing as time-out.
I can feel
your anger growing inside. Wait. Time-out.
-
-
-
All right. Time-out.
We had to take your van, Hutch.
I have access to literally
thousands of vehicles...
but we had to take your van.
Yeah, well, I had a spare tire...
but some tardo took it out
to make some room for his grappling hook.
What? We're on a covert operation.
How can you be on a covert operation
without a grappling hook?
Oh! Wait.
What in Greedo's name is that?
Talk about a wretched hive
of scum and villainy.
Hmm.
You guys stay right here.
I'll take care of this.
How you doing, fellas?
Hi, fellas.
So our car broke down
a couple of miles back.
Is there anyone you know who can help us?
No.
Can I have some water?
Yeah, a glass of water, please.
Great.
Pirate teeth.
Pirate teeth.
- Pirate teeth. Don't.
- Thank you.
A hundred bucks.
For a glass of water?
That's ridiculous. I'm not gonna pay that.
Sure you will.
Hell, no. Hell, no.
Back up, buddy. Back off.
Word to the wise, ese.
- Ooh!
- Drop the tough-ass biker
routine before I get angry.
And you won't like me when I'm angry.
Hmm, I think I would.
- Hutch, let's not do this.
- Hutch, maybe-
Nah. Nah. Nah.
This guy wants
to dick with me, fine. I can dick.
I used to rape guys 15 times
your size in prison.
So you best back off...
- or, so help me God, I'm
gonna pound your ass so hard-
- Oh, Jesus.
- No. Hutch.
- What?
- There's kind of a thing in this bar. Like that.
- See?
Ixnay on the ass pounding.
A hundred dollars?
That's cool.
Afraid it's too late for that, ese.
Our midnight entertainment bailed.
Time to pay for that drink.
Oh, dear God.
We're gonna die up here, aren't we?
We have to strip to Menudo?
You got a problem with Menudo?
Now, take it off!
That's it, man!
"Nobody puts Baby in a corner!"
You want some Swayze action, bitches?
Yeah!
You like that, huh?
Whoo!
I'm gonna do it.
I'm gonna do it, and you're gonna like it!
-
-
He's got one ball.
Un testculo.
- Oh, that's disgusting.
Okay, I had a...
torrid lightsaber battle
went wrong when I was a child.
All right, all right, all right.
Show's over, fellas.
- You boys took a wrong turn?
- Our car broke down.
The Chief can fix it.
The Chief?
This is some kick-ass guac
you whipped up, man.
- I feel funny.
- Tingly.
- I feel good.
- Karate is cool.
Guys, I don't think we're eating...
your everyday garden-variety guacamole.
I got recipe from Emeril.
Avocado, onion,
chopped garlic- Bam!
- Bam!
- Bam!
And the Chief's secret ingredient.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
- What?
- What?
There's an ewok right beside you.
Oh, wow. She's humping your leg.
It's humping your leg.
She's humping your leg.
I love you.
Wahh!
Death is but a path to life,
a passage to the stars...
to the universe.
I know what you mean.
You mean the Force.
The Force.
Guys, my dad is
gonna kill me if I don't get to work on Monday.
Putz. Screw it, man.
- No!
- Join me, Son.
Come to the Dark Side.
- The Dark Side.
- No! No!
Rogue Leader.
What the hell you doing, man?
You're poking me.
Oh, God. Don't flatter yourself, okay?
It's just my R2.
My lucky R2.
Man, you wish you had
the height and girth of D2.
- Yeah!
- Wow!
Hah! Van!
Son of a whore!
The Buce is back.
The Chief fixed it while you were asleep.
The Chief fixed it.
Is he around? Can we thank him?
He's the Chief.
You're the Chief, aren't you?
- Why didn't you say so?
- The Chief likes to refer to
himself in the third person.
It causes confusion,
especially with the bitches.
Well, you're cool as balls,
you burned-out old hash-head.
Wonder Twins power activate.
It's been interesting.
Thanks.
You need it more than I do.
Wow. Thank you. I, uh-
- Good luck.
- Thanks.
Who's up for Texas, boys?
Lump was limp and lonely
and needed a shove
Lump slipped on a kiss
and tumbled into love
She spent her 20s
between the sheets
Life limped along
at subsonic speeds
- She's lump, she's lump
She's in my head
- Hi.
- Hey-
- She's lump, she's lump, she's lump
- Yeah!
- She might be dead
- Ah
Bah
Ba-ba, ba-da-da-da
Bah
- Yes!
- Bah, ba-ba, ba-da-da-da
Thank you for the blue balls, ladies!
Harrison Ford
is the greatest actor of all time!
In the history of cinema?
He's Han Solo, Indiana Jones. Yes!
- Deckard from Blade Runner.
- Yes. Exactly.
Greatest actor of all time.
He's never done a bad movie.
Does that sign say"electric fence"?
Watch this. Ready?
Is this lump outta my head
Let's just hope she's still here.
Oh, she'll be here.
Give her a taste of that white chocolate.
What do you think?
Oh, my God.
- 'Toid me.
- You ready?
- Yeah. Thank you.
- Nice.
Go get her.
Where have you been
all my life, sweet baby
Girl, I've been waiting
For a while now
- Hi there.
- Yes, I have
- Oh, my God!
- There's a star in the sky
That shines brightly on you
When that pretty dress
that you're wearing
- Makes you so fine
Rogue Leader, I presume?
Red 6?
Let me just put my glasses on.
What the hell?
You're a kid.
You're 12.
- I'm 10.
- You're 10?
I'm a pedophile! I'm a pedophile!
- I'm a pedophile!
- Give us a moment, please.
I have to leave this state at once.
Yea! Yea!
That was fantastic.
We drove a thousand miles, Windows.
A thousand.
For what?
So you can get funky
with Strawberry Shortcakes?
It's not really sex if it's cyber-sex.
Relax. We're gonna sit down.
We're gonna put on our thinking caps.
- And we're gonna get a better plan.
- No, it's-
I have to be back by Monday.
I haven't told you guys this yet, but my-
My dad gave me the company.
- Hey!
- Thanks, man.
Yeah, the whole thing.
The whole thing is mine now.
What's the new game plan?
Let's get in the van
and get the hell out of here.
- This is just a minor setback.
- It's a minor setback for you.
I live in the real world, okay?
I have to go back to work.
You have to go back
to... your mom's garage.
- It's a carriage house.
- It's a garage, man.
- Say it again.
- It's a garage.
- Excuse me. Excuse me.
- Guys!
- Holding my schlong!
- Okay! Okay.
- Harry Knowles.
- Harry who?
- Hello.
- This man is the ultimate fanboy, Eric.
His Web site"Ain't it Cool News"
is like every geek's homepage.
Which one of you's Windows?
Me.
I'm Windows.
- Nice to meet you-
- Oh!
Back off!
- Oh, God!
- Ohh!
Harry Knowles is kicking Windows's ass.
Now, you listen to me, perv.
If you ever e-mail my niece again,
I will hunt you down like a T-1000.
Okay, Mr. Knowles, he didn't know- Okay.
- You will release my friends.
- Back!
We wanted to break into the Skywalker Ranch.
Kimmy said she'd give us the floor plans.
We were gonna break in
and steal Episode I, that's it.
That is the stupidest thing I've heard
since Schumacher put nips on Batman.
- Ohh!
- These aren't the droids you're looking for, man.
- Heh!
- Anybody else have any stupid comments?
It's very stupid, but true. We've been
planning this since we were like six.
Listen.
Harry, Harry, Harry.
If you help us out, we'll give you all
the exclusive spoilers and all.
- Okay?
- Ohh.
That's an interesting offer.
Episode V was directed by who?
- Irvin Kershner.
- That was just a warm-up.
You. In Episode VI when Leia shoots down
two scout troopers...
why doesn't she take one
of the speeder bikes instead of walking?
If you pay attention closely,
the speeder bikes were destroyed.
And then Luke refers to it
later on in the dialogue.
Impressive. I wasn't really
worried about you though.
What was Luke Skywalker's call sign
during the rebel assault in Episode IV?
Red 5.
You are all only as strong
as your weakest link.
Hello, weakest link.
- What?
- What is the name
of Chewbacca's home planet?
- It's never discussed in the movies.
That's not fair.
I know. I know.
Do you give up?
Come on, man.
Say it.
Kashyyyk. Kashyyyk.
Chewie's home planet is Kashyyyk.
Chewie's home planet is Kashyyyk.
Well played, boys.
I'll help you.
You're gonna meet my friend in Vegas.
- He's got everything you need. Okay?
- Okay.
- How will we know who he is?
- Oh, don't worry. You'll know.
The password: Scruffy Nerfherder.
- Scruffy Nerfherder.
- Good luck, boys.
Nice detailing.
We're going to Vegas, fellas.
Hey, Hutch, you mind slowing down?
Sorry. I don't speak jagoff.
I just thought it might be nice
to get to Vegas alive.
-
- Are you kidding me?
We got Imperial bacon.
Okay, probably not the best time
to tell you guys this...
but, uh, there's a giant bag of peyote
in the back of the van.
- What?
- Excuse me?
The Chief gave it to me.
Hutch, just pull over
and get the ticket, man, okay?
We can't pull over
with a big-ass bag of peyote on us.
Pull over and stop!
Do what he says, Hutch.
Do what he says, Hutch.
- Don't do what he says.
- Do what he says, Hutch.
- It's gonna be okay, fellas. It's gonna be okay.
- Pull over, man.
Suck my exhaust, pork rind!
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, Jesus!
- Talk to me, Goose.
- Talk to you? He's back.
- He found us!
- God!
- Move this piece of shit!
- You don't call my van a piece of shit!
- Well?
- Hey, ladies, ladies!
You got to break rule number two.
- Chewie, prepare to make
the jump to hyperspace.
- Yes!
Okay, I'm ready.
Somebody tell me
what the goddamn red button's for!
It's light speed, kid.
- Light speed?
- Yeah.
Punch it!
-
- What the- Come on!
- You're not gonna do this to me now.
- No. Okay, I'm resetting.
- Light speed. Impressive.
-
I put a tank of nitrous in this thing.
It's not firing.
- Hutch, please do something.
- Hutch!
Damn it.
Whoo!
Oh, my God!
It's working!
Whoo!
- Stay on target! Stay on target!
- Oh, God!
Oh, shit!
-
-
I probably shouldn't
have called that cop a fag.
I think he took it the wrong way.
Breakfast.
- Oh, God.
- Ow!
- Jesus!
- Oh, God.
Ham and cheese.
Well, look on the bright side, you guys.
This trip can't get any worse.
It just did, boys.
- What?
- I got to drop a sewer pickle.
Yeah, I got to throw her into reverse.
Bottler, give me your sandwich, bro.
Hook me up.
Another one.
- What's the sandwich for?
- I don't know.
I'm not gonna sit on this.
- Oh, Hutch!
- Jesus.
It's crawling with criminal ass germs.
- Just hover, man.
- Okay, listen up, pre-pubes.
You got a visitor-
Sweet can of corn.
What are you doing with that ham sandwich,
boy? It's not right what you're doing.
Hutch, you owe me a sock.
I had to wipe with something.
You pussies owe me, big time.
- Oh, Zoe, thank God.
- We weren't sure if you'd gotten our message.
If by message you mean Windows shrieking
into my answering machine like a little girl...
- then yes, message received.
- You don't know
what we've been through.
Hutch just took a dump in front of us.
Yeah. That's life inside the big house.
Zoe, promise me you brought the money.
I cleared out every cent
Windows had in the comic store.
- You what?
- Oh! Don't even speak.
I took two taxis, an airplane
and an all-night bus ride...
next to an old man that I am
pretty sure had a full diaper.
Hey, hey, okay.
Okay, visiting time's over.
The judge wants to see y'all
in his private chambers.
Oh, yeah.
Just one more thing.
Whatever you do,
do not make fun of his name.
Let me see if I got this right.
Now, you tried to outrun
an officer of the law...
because you obtained a bag of peyote
from a Mexican Indian chief...
who thought it would help
treat your friend's terminal illness?
- Yes.
- Mm-hmm.
I'm gonna let you boys go.
Not because I believe you.
- Because I believe your father.
- My father?
- Mm-hmm.
- You actually spoke with my dad?
Sure did.
He wanted me to give you this message.
Approach the bench.
Have a nice day, son.
Yeah. Man's gone
carbonite freeze on us.
We got to be in Vegas
in less than 24 hours.
All right. I'm gonna go smack
some sense into the boy.
Whoa. Cut him some slack.
Okay.
I just mapped out our route to Vegas
on my Toughbook...
and the closest airport's
about a hundred miles north of here.
So all we got to do
is drop the ol' Zoe off...
and then it's a straight shot
to Sin City.
Ho! Hold on.
You haul my ass
out into the middle of nowhere...
and expect me to just jump
on the first plane back?
Sorry. It's not gonna happen.
Come on. You know this trip is men only.
I tell you what.
I'll get on the plane
if any one of you can take me down.
Listen, Princess.
No one wants to see you get hurt.
I'm gonna get Botts.
- Get off of me!
- Oh, my God!
- Be a man, Hutch.
- Get her off of me!
- Hutch, say"time-out."
- Don't just stand there!
Shoot her!
Somebody shoot her!
- Help me, for God sake! God help me!
- Gentlemen.
- Get the jaws of life!
- I'm good.
Welcome aboard.
- Now go get Eric.
- Yes, sir!
And be nice.
You're lucky I have a crush on you.
Yo, Botts, you okay?
You know, I could do this-
start a life here.
Clean slate.
Fresh air.
No pressure, no responsibility.
Yeah, it seems nice, man.
In theory it sounds nice.
I bet there's not even like a Blockbuster Video
within 500 miles of here.
Or like a Falafel Hut or-
Guys, shut up.
I just figured if I...
worked hard and...
sold enough cars and impressed my dad
enough times, I'd-
I'd feel something.
You gotta find your Death Star.
Okay, I'll bite.
Greatest deed Luke Skywalker ever did...
was take down the Death Star, right?
As far as I'm concerned,
that's what everybody needs.
You need that one bad-ass thing...
that lets you live on forever, you know.
Yeah.
Hey, Spice Girls!
Are you gonna swap recipes all day?
Vegas awaits, ladies.
- Wow!
- Sweet!
And here's where you learn
how to do Vegas, fanboy style.
- You guys thinking
what I'm thinking?
-
They are everywhere, Giles.
Mama, star people.
This is so gay.
Ow!
Let me get that for you.
You, uh-You might wanna hit the showers.
'Cause you smell like something
shit in my nose.
- Yes, Your Highnessness.
- Ew!
What in God's name is living on your chest?
It looks like you fell on ALF.
- God!
- Look who's back in uniform.
- Nice.
- Yeah, it's almost 8:00, so we
gotta go meet Harry's contact.
Then let's go.
- You guys coming?
- I'll catch up with you guys later.
I'm just gonna do a bit
of pillagin' the tables first.
- Twenty-two. Loser.
- Ah, Jesus!
That is mathematically impossible.
I must have the worst luck
in the northern hemisphere.
I heard about the Rogue Leader debacle.
- That's one for the record books.
- Hey.
A cross between Sarah Michelle Gellar
and Janeane Garofalo, it's too good to be true.
I just have to face the facts, Zoe.
I'm 24 years old...
and I've only ever copulated
with one woman.
Plenty of guys have
only been with one woman.
I don't know that many women
to have only been with one woman.
I, uh-
I'm female kryptonite.
Look, you're fine around me.
Well, yeah, of course I am.
That's 'cause...
you are not a girl.
You know what I mean?
No. Please enlighten me.
You know every Bond villain,
you constantly quote Clash of the Titans...
and you've beat every Zelda game
Nintendo's ever released.
- I mean-
- Dude, dude, dude. Three o'clock, man.
Hotties on the slotties.
I would knock the nickels
out of that pussy!
Dude, you're gonna be my Dak today,
all right? Follow my lead.
- Wait, wait. Whoa, whoa.
You wanna just talk to them?
- Yeah. It's called having balls.
Or in your case, one ball.
Come on. Eric and Linus are waiting.
What are you, the wife?
Let's go.
- Wait. You're going over there?
- Uh-
Turns out you're more
clueless than you think.
- Apparently, so am I.
- What does that mean? Zoe!
- Zoe!
- Come on.
- Pardon me.
- Hi there.
- Hello. How are you?
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Ladies.
- You ladies looking for love in Alderaan places?
- Excuse me?
- Alderaan is the last planet
destroyed by the Death Star-
Bomba, bomba, bomba!
Dat-dat-dat-dat-dat-dat! Daniel-san.
What my socially retarded friend
was trying to say...
was that we'd like to
maybe buy you two gals a beverage.
- Sure.
- Sure.
Oh, my God. Wow.
You know, uh, Eric and Linus
are waiting for us.
I think that they're going to understand.
They're going to understand.
Where are they, man?
It's almost- It's almost 8:00!
I don't know where they are, but we
don't have time to wait for 'em. Come on.
Convention room's this way.
Let's go.
- Rak non!
- Yes, sir!
Phasers on stun.
Being the C.E.O.
of my own company...
I'm not gonna lie to you,
I get a lot of perks.
I got a big-ass mansion, you know.
I got a butler-
Maurice.
Bentley in the drive.
Flux capacitor.
I mean, the 1.21 gigawatts,
that don't come cheap, you know.
- But I got the duckets, you know.
- Wow.
There's nothing more sexy
than a man with power.
What do you mean?
Like-You like power?
- Uh-huh.
- I like power.
- I got a hell of a lot of power.
- Yeah?
Yeah.
You want to come sit on my lap.
Oh. Wow.
You want to take your shirt off.
Wow-ar-r-rm.
Yummy!
Oh, my God.
- Can you smell that?
- Trekkies.
Yeah.
Badges.
Yeah, we're not here for the Trek.
Okay? We're here to see somebody.
And who would that be?
We're here to see the nerfherder.
- Hmm?
- Scruffy Nerfherder.
Ow! Ow! Ow! Stop!
And then Zoe just storms off.
I mean, she's really...
a very difficult specimen
to read sometimes.
If you know what I mean.
But I-
You just can't act like that
if you wanna be one of the guys.
Maybe... she doesn't
wanna be one of the guys.
She likes you.
But I didn't-
But she kind of just-
Jesus Murphy!
Wow. Okay.
What-What should I do?
Well, if there's one thing
I learned being an escort...
it's that actions speak louder than words.
Did you just say"escort"?
Fantastic.
-
- Shh!
- I don't think we're alone.
- Yeah.
You're late!
It's all there-
maps, pass codes...
phony I.D.'s to get you past the front gates,
but that's not what's most important.
What's most important?
We never met.
- That's Capt-
- Yeah. I think-
I should- Hi.
I can't believe that these are classified.
And there's-
Look at the maps. I mean, there's badges.
And there's Trekkin' with TJ.
What is this for?
Just something for the ride.
- Thank you.
- This is unreal. How did you score all this stuff?
Are you kidding?
I'm William Shatner. I can score anything.
- Okay.
- How 'bout- How 'bout Jeri Ryan's panties?
- Oh.
- Anything.
- I'm so glad that we met.
- Me too.
This is-Whoa. Hey.
Wait, wait.
Okay, let me go.
- Hutch, private convo. Jesus.
- What the hell are you-
What are you doing, man?
Get the hell out of here.
It's not a good time.
The Force is strong with me here.
- Actually, your hour's over.
- What do you mean,"over"?
- Hutch, they're hookers.
- We're not hookers. We're escorts.
- The difference being?
- I don't know.
Excuse me. Sorry.
You telling me...
that I just spent the last hour sweet talking
a smoking, hot whore?
- You could always pay for another hour.
- How much?
- One thousand.
- Dollars?
- Mm-hmm.
- Each! I want a refund.
- Give me a refund.
- Is that possible?
You know what? We're male
prostitutes and you owe us a thousand dollars!
- You can talk it over with Roach.
- Roach?
- Hi, Daddy.
- Greetings and salutations. It is payday.
- Ten-thousand shares of Priceline?
- Anything.
- Wow.
- Next time you see Harry
Knowles, tell him we're square.
Friends of yours?
Cry havoc!
Zinfandel.
That's a good vintage.
Uh, this has all been
a really big misunderstanding.
You see, my friend and I, we didn't know
that we were on the clock, per se.
You thought you were
getting that for free, did ya?
- Uh, Mr. Roach?
- Yeah?
Would you mind not eating
those peanuts 'cause-
Buddy, these are like
$10 a peanut, you know.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.
Well, why don't you take it
out of the $2,000...
that you and your skinny
little idiot friend owe me, how's that sound?
- Rebel Alliance, dude.
- What? Enunciate.
- Rebel Alliance.
- Rebel Alliance.
We recognize the tat.
We're Star Wars fans.
- You're Star Wars fans?
- Yeah.
Shit. Why didn't you say so, man?
You think that's cool,
check this shit out. Look.
Entire right side, Rebel Alliance.
"Do or do not." That's funny.
And this arm
is the Dark Side
Don't join the Dark Side
of the Force
Check this out.
Episode I.
Fu-Schnickens.
Jar-Jar Binks.
That guy's gonna be the shit.
I tell you.
- Wow.
- Right? You like that?
- I had them do that pose.
I thought it was funny.
- That is awesome.
- You guys are all right.
- So, we're all hunky-dory?
- We're all copacetic?
- Well, if the word"copacetic" means...
I'm gonna rip off your tongue
and lick your ass with it, then yeah...
- we're copacetic.
- Oh.
- Windows, now!
- It was lovely to meet you.
Thank you so much for listening.
- Go, go, go!
- Balloons?
You thought that was gonna stop 'em?
- Grab the princess.
- Come on, Zoe!
- Get off me. I'm not speaking to you.
- Seriously. We gotta go now!
Why are we running? What did you do?
They're everywhere!
They're everywhere!
You're going the wrong way!
Yeah!
That's him!
He's the one who destroyed Khan.
You called Han Solo a bitch, man!
Han Solo is a bitch.
No one calls...
Han Solo a bitch!
- Go, go, go!
- Go, go, go!
Why are we running?
- Go! Come on!
- What is going on?
You stop this van, you little sons of bitches!
I'm gonna kill you!
This is not copacetic.
You stop!
Zoe, hit him with the pressed ham!
Yeah!
- Yeah!
- Nice.
Nailed it.
Linus? Jesus!
- Where'd he go?
- Did he fall out?
Chewie.
I call Chewie.
Dr. Richardson
to Trauma 2. Dr. Richardson, Trauma 2.
Your friend's awake.
- Uh, cool. Can we see him?
- Yes.
But first we need to have a little talk.
Linus tells me that
you're on some sort of a road trip.
- Uh, yeah, up to San Francisco.
- Well, not anymore, fellas.
The only place he's going is back to Ohio.
- We can't do that.
- Just what's so important in San Francisco?
- Uh, he-
- Star Wars.
Star Wars?
Look, he is very, very sick
and he needs to go home.
No.
Guys, we can't-we can't do this now.
We can't give up now.
Not when we're so close.
Linus, it's just a movie.
Yeah, maybe it is.
Maybe it is. You know what?
To most people, Star Wars
is just a movie, right?
- Not to us!
- We just spoke to the doctor.
Screw that doctor!
Screw- Screw all those people!
Did-Did they ever get their- their heads stuck
in a bucket trying to be Darth Vader?
- I mean, I don't think so. No.
- Nope.
Did they ever singe their eyebrows
trying to make a lightsaber?
No way. Did they name
their right hand Leia?
Who knows?
Yes, they could have.
- But you know who did?
- Me.
Yes, you did.
So did I. So did you.
- We all did.
- You guys are freaking sick. You know that?
This is our Death Star, man.
And I don't know about you, guys,
but I'm not running away from this one.
- Me neither.
- Screw it. I named both my hands Leia.
What the hell are you doing?
Do you know who this is?
It's that way.
Jail break!
Jail break!
What's going on?
- Hold it right there!
- No, uh, please-
You're our only hope.
Take two of these every three hours.
Oh, my God.
- I love you.
- I know.
Yeah!
-
- Mmm.
Nothing worse than a locked shitter
when you got to turd, am I right?
Seriously, man.
That is it, man!
I don't wanna do this anymore!
Why not? What'd I tell you,
sweet and womanly, right?
- Womanly?
-
- Make sure you go tell your friends.
- I'll be back.
Bam, bam, bam!
Hyah! Wanna try that?
Start the car! Start the van!
Hi!
- Let's do it! Let's do it!
- Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Shut up, man! It was a hundred
miles ago! Stop living in the past!
Oh, my God!
Lucas Valley Road.
We gotta steal that sign, guys.
- Zoe, how we looking out there?
One guard manning the booth.
Couple civvies roaming about.
- Nothing we can't handle.
- All right, fellas,"X" marks our target.
Level"C" editing bays. It's our best chance
for finding the rough cut.
Excellent. Okay.
Once we've breached the front gate...
we're gonna be off on foot, so we're gonna
have to take a shortcut at this wall here.
And you know what that means.
Are you shitting-
Grappling hook?
A modern-day warrior
Mean, mean stride
Today's Tom Sawyer
Mean, mean pride
I can do this.
- Get up.
- Windows, how's it look up there?
Windows, make sure there are no cameras.
- Can you see anything?
All right, one, two-
- Oh, Jesus!
- Windows, Jesus!
-
- Owl
- Okay.
- Wait. There he is. Good man. Good man.
Let's go.
Follow my lead. Follow my lead.
Get down. Stay low. The ninja roll.
Guys, get down!
- Jackass.
- Guys, wait for me.
I hate running.
This is like the most exercise
you guys have gotten all year.
This is the one Shatner
said would be open.
A breach in Skywalker security.
Wow. Okay, we're in.
I feel like we're in a Scooby-Doo episode.
Go, go, go, go.
- Hutch?
- Yeah?
Your ass still smells like ham and cheese.
Sweet. That way.
Wow.
Shatner, don't fail us now, right?
Whoa.
Yeah!
- Oh, my God.
- No way.
We're home, boys.
See, that's what I call a collection.
This is where I want my ashes scattered.
Oh!
-" Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi.
You're my only hope."
They've got Indy stuff.
Thermal detonator.
I think I'm gonna cry.
Hey. They got Willow's spell book!
You know, Willow?
Little guy?
Magical-
"Kaiya."
Who cares about Willow?
Look at this.
"Throw me the idol."
Guys, look at this.
"We've got bad dates."
One kaddam for the Hebrew god.
We have a breach in the archive room.
Breach in the archive room.
You know, no matter
how you felt about the guy...
Vader embraced his fate.
He faced death head-on.
No one moves.
Subjects have been located.
Requesting backup.
Please step away from Lord Vader.
Dude, what's up with the outfits?
Company policy.
You wanna work here,
you gotta wear the suit.
Carl, you make us wear the suit.
- Run?
- Run.
- Run.
- Zoe!
- Just go!
- I'm not leaving without her.
- What, are you crazy? It's three against one!
Never tell me the odds.
There can be only one.
Time for you to get mauled, boy.
I'm good.
- Go!
- Let's go!
Man down! Man down!
Stop! Don't move!
Run!
Subjects are fleeing to the west corridor!
- Go, go, go!
- Stop!
Go, go!
Come on!
Hmm. Yoda says going up you are.
- In!
- Get in! Get your ass in there!
- Hurry!
- Let's go!
Move it! Over there!
Over there! Let's go!
That was awesome!
Where the hell are we?
I have a bad feeling about this.
Um, you guys don't think that the, um-
We are in George Lucas's trash room.
Don't be ridiculous, okay?
The walls are not gonna close in on us.
-
- Holy-
- Jesus!
- Let's fortify the walls with this.
- Do it!
- Um, girls?
- Goddamn you, walls!
Girls!
That'd be the air duct.
- And that there's the exit.
- Yeah, the exit.
- And you guys are the big pussies.
- I knew.
"3PO!
We're all right!"
Guys, this way!
- Yikes!
- Check in here.
This one's clear.
Damn it, shut up!
I think we lost 'em, right?
Yeah, we lost them for now, but we
cannot run around this place all night.
Guys!
We're in the motherboard.
We're in.
- George Lucas's office.
- George Lucas's office!
Holy shit. Oh, wow.
We're- We're-
- Oh, my God.
- We're in the motherboard.
You guys need to see this.
You guys need to see this. Look.
-
- Holy Hoth!
- I think this is it. I think this is it.
- Oh, my God.
Play it. Play it.
Hey, get over here.
Come on.
-
- The crawl!
The crawl!
- Oh, my God.
-
Come on! Come on!
- Here you are.
- Yeah.
That hooker in Vegas gave me something.
What?
The truth.
I'm in love with you and, uh-
I love you too.
- Stand back.
-
- Okay, on your feet!
- Us?
- Yeah! Come on up! On your feet!
- Get on outta here! Come on!
Now! Get on your feet!
Yeah, get on your feet!
Who the hell are these people?
- And line up against the wall, all of you!
- Back against the wall!
Get up! What are you talkin' about? Hey!
Step away from the Millennium Falcon
and line up against the wall.
- Now!
- Oh.
- Oh, God.
- Linus, what are you doing, man?
I'm feeling crazy right now.
- Dude, do you have any idea
how valuable that thing is?
- Not a good idea.
Put it down. Come on.
Put it down now!
You guys stand up against the wall,
or I will smash this thing into a billion pieces!
I will.
I will smash this!
- No.
- What, you think I won't?
- No, I don't.
- No, you don't, you think that I won't...
or, no, you don't, you think that I will?
- The first one.
- I'm confused. Who's doing what now?
- You tell me.
- It doesn't matter.
Because if he puts down the Millennium
Falcon, I will smash this training remote...
erasing it from history.
- Come on, guys. Let's rethink this.
- Shut up, Windows!
- Who's doing what?
- Put down the Millennium Falcon
and the training remote...
or I will destroy this puppet.
- Craig! You can't!
- Shut up, Barry.
- Put down Master Yoda!
- You put yours down, damn it!
I can't do it!
- All right, everybody shut up!
- Oh!
Swear to God, this little ewok
is going up in flames! I'll do it.
- Do it. Go ahead. Burn it.
- I will.
- Yeah, burn it.
- Guys, nobody wants this.
- I will.
- Burn it. Burn it.
- I'm gonna. That's what I said!
- Burn it!
Good. I was always more of
a Star Trek fan anyway.
Damn Trekkies are everywhere!
All right, we'll take it from here.
Sir, give me the Falcon.
- I can't believe I let you guys get me into this.
- Shut up!
How you guys doing?
You guys doing good?
So let me get this right.
You guys wanted to see
our movie early for free.
So you broke into private property, huh?
- And you tried to steal it.
- I-I-
I haven't even seen the movie yet!
Sir, I understand that this looks bad-
It looks like three-to-five-years, locked-up,
for-breaking-and-entering bad.
That's right, sweet cheeks.
By the time y'all walk away from this...
your faces are gonna be
shrunken and shriveled...
just like your one nut.
What? How can he possibly know that?
Oh, we know about your uniball.
We know everything,
Mr. Harold Hutchinson, a. k. a. Hutch.
Son of Gloria.
Humongous Rush fan.
Dude, you're freaking me out.
How do you know this?
Because you have a Rush shirt on, dipshit.
And because we have
a dossier on every single one of you.
No one move!
Get your hands off the glass table.
Hello, Mr. Lucas.
Shut up!
Shut your mouths.
- Yes.
- I can hear his beard.
Yes. Shut up. Mm-hmm.
I don't wanna say that it was a hole in my
security, but- How did you guys break in?
- I used a grappling hook-
- And we climbed-
- Was William Shatner involved with this?
- No. Not at all.
They said no.
No. No one was hurt. Not yet.
Mm-hmm.
Okay. Very well.
Damn it. I've just been told
that what I said earlier I no longer believe.
Hmm?
Mr. Lucas is touched and mildly flattered
by what you have done here.
And I have been informed
that I feel the same way.
So the charges are gonna be dropped.
That is, of course, if you are...
what you appear to be.
Uh, what do we appear to be?
Fanboys. Something we can easily
determine with a simple quiz.
What is the name of the planet
that Leia gave Grand MoffTarkin...
as the false location of the rebel base
in Episode IV?
- Dantooine.
- What is the name of the gunner
in Luke's snow speeder?
- Dak.
- Where is a woman's g-spot located?
- What?
- If you were to ask a woman to
perform a Mississippi handbag...
where would your testicles end up?
That's not a Star Wars question.
I didn't say the nipples.
I said the little bumps around the nipples.
Yar-Arr-
That is not a Louisiana pile driver.
But you wouldn't know
about that, would you? Hmph. Virgin.
Virgin.
Areola borealis?
Near the-the, um, bumps?
That's what you do.
You aim for the eye, grab the lip...
lead her around the room-
blinding the marlin.
God, you're sexy and well-versed.
I like it.
Okay. Guards!
- Okay, that's it.
- That's what happens. Okay, I got it. All right.
- I'm good.
- Bye-bye.
Congratulations.
Mr. Lucas has decided to drop the charges.
So, what?
We're free to go, right?
Well, not exactly.
He says you can watch the film.
What?
We can watch the movie?
Hold it. Hold it.
Only you.
It's good, man.
It's right.
Hey, are you lonely
- Has summer gone so slowly
We found the ground
And that damage was done
It's cold
as you fade into the sun
Where'd you go
To me
But you're alive
Well, it's only
Fallen frames
they told me
You stand out
It's so loud
and so what if it is
It's cold as you face
into the wind
Chewie.
Tonight the sun
shall see its light
So what if you catch me
Where would we land
In somebody's life
for taking his hands
Sing to me hope
as she's thrown on the sand
All of our work
is rated again
Where to go
- That's not bad.
- Thanks, man.
There's something I need to-
I should...
probably tell you before, uh-
Before I'm gone.
You could say it.
I won't hold it against you.
I just- I wish I could...
change these last three years, you know.
You know, I wouldn't want you to.
You gotta keep the flaws.
Crappy effects.
Real puppets.
That's what makes it so good, you know?
Yeah.
This was never about the movie.
You know, this was, uh-
this was about all of us.
Hey.
Look at us.
We're together again, freezing our nuts off.
No teaming up! That's a rule!
You're such dicks!
- Both of you are dicks!
- I'm gonna go save him.
- Please.
- You coming?
No, I'm good right here.
All right, man.
I'm good right here.
Guys, it's time.
That better be your lucky R2 poking me.
Nope. My penis.
You guys are gross.
Any, uh-
Any sign of Hutch?
- Talk to me.
- It's me. Where the hell are you?
I'm just finishing up
at the garage here, man.
- Shake a leg, ya bastard. We're saving your place.
- All right.
Okay!
Yes! That's awesome.
That's awesome.
- Hey!
- Hey! Oh, my God!
Right at the buzzer.
Yeah!
Excuse me.
Are you Eric Bottler?
Yeah.
- We just got your new comic.
- Whoa.
- Thanks, guys. I appreciate that.
- I don't.
I think it's quite shoddy.
- Worst series ever.
- Total Lucas rip-off!
- The artwork is neophyte.
- At best.
- What's up, my nerds?
- Ah.
Why don't you ask the man for an autograph?
Ask the man for an autograph!
Do it!
"You are a douche bag.
Love, Eric Bottler."
Here you go.
All right, let's move it,
Boba Fags. End of the line.
- Move it! Let's go!
- Chaz, what the hell are you doing here, man?
Ah, come on, bro.
It's the Wars.
I love that about you.
Look at you, C-3Penis Face.
How'd you pull that trim?
- Doctor.
- Oh!
- Smart man.
- Thank you, sir.
They're good. There you go.
- Hey, you guys. To Linus.
- Yeah, to Linus.
- Hey, you guys.
- What, man?
What if the movie sucks?
We'll be singing
I get knocked down
but I get up again
You're never gonna
keep me down
I get knocked down
but I get up again
You're never gonna
keep me down
I get knocked down
but I get up again
You're never gonna
keep me down
I get knocked down
Halloween just got awesome, bitches!
Prepare for the entrance of Lord Vader.
Give yourself to the Dark Side.
It's the only way you can save-
You wore the same thing last year.
- You son of a bitch.
- I'm sorry, guys. My codpiece is killing me.
It's totally restricting my junk.
You're gonna spill it or fill it, dude?
Zoe.
- Hi.
- Oh, my God. It's been a long time.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
You are...
something with tampons.
I'm Picasso's Blue Period.
- Get it? Blue Period.
- Hmm.
And you are?
Corporate sleaze?
Car salesman.
I came straight from work, so this is-
- Weak as usual, Bottler.
- Thank you.
Are you here
for a reunion with the boys?
Nope. That's just a pleasant surprise.
Watch the cape, uh, uh-
Well, enter at your own risk.
Oh, my God.
You guys have both got to stop
perpetuating this myth...
that Boba Fett is some kind of bad-ass.
All right? He has a jet pack.
So did the Rocketeer.
- Really cool.
- Here we go.
When it comes time for battle, the man's
Michael Bay- all style, no substance.
If you diss the Fett again...
I will corn-hole you with a light saber!
Whoop, there it is
- Jesus. Is that Bottler?
- Whoop, there it is
- Hey, guys.
- Whoop, there it is
Whoop, there it is
You got a lot of nerve
showing your face around here.
Give Daddy a huggy.
- Yeah!
- Stop.
You little bastard, I missed you.
I hope that's just your blaster poking me.
- God, it's been parsecs.
- Yeah, it's good to see you too, man.
- Linus.
- Hmm.
- It's been, like, a year now, right?
- Three.
- You still drawing?
- No. I bailed on that shit after high school.
- How's life in the auto trade?
- Still second in command to the old man.
Um, you?
Comic book store's still afloat...
but the geeks aren't biting
like the old days.
- You?
- Get my money together so I can
start my detailing business.
I'm gonna call it the Hutch Touch.
That's funny. I could've sworn you were
delivering pizza and living in your mom's garage.
It's not a garage.
It's a carriage house.
Carriage house.
- How is your carriage?
Ah! Ah! Ah!
Hey, uh, have any of you guys
seen the phone jack?
Uh, no, but I have seen
the social retard...
who brought his Toughbook to a party.
- I promised Rogue Leader
I'd write her back tonight.
- Oh, God.
- She is my girlfriend.
- On-line girlfriend.
I met her in a Jedi chat room.
The woman is perfect.
She's intelligent and acerbic and, uh-
and a die-hard fan.
She's even got connections
inside the Lucas camp.
Who's also got
a man package and a goatee.
You guys are all just jealous
because she describes herself...
as a cross between
Sarah Michelle Gellar...
- and Janeane Garofalo.
Tell 'em how you described yourself.
I was perfectly honest with her.
- You said you looked like
a white Billy Dee Williams.
You called yourself white chocolate.
I am white chocolate.
Oh, oh! Windows, it's my turn.
- Give it to me.
- Midnight. Another day down.
Ah! Okay.
Official Episode I countdown...
is six months, 12 days,
eight hours and some change.
I would sell my soul to see
that movie right here right now.
Dude, I would sell my left nut.
And I only have the one nut.
- So you see how serious I am?
- I cannot listen to this shit
for another six months.
Oh, shush your mouth, woman.
You know, we could see the movie.
- Oh, please, not this again.
- Oh, yes, please, this again.
"Tell us about
the rabbits, George. George."
Imagine.
Okay?
We drive across the country in one night.
We break into the Skywalker Ranch...
and steal ourselves a print.
- Yeah!
You guys have been talking about this
since the fifth grade, okay?
- It's not gonna happen.
- Why the hell not?
Well, first of all, it's 2,000 miles away.
Second of all, even if you could get there,
you'd be arrested.
It's been a blast, Bottler.
Way to douche up the party.
Nothing is impossible.
And I'll guarantee I'll find you a new
or used car, or my name isn't Big Chuck.
- Right, girls?
- Ooh-hoo!
Hoo!
Yeah!
All right!
Attaboy, Eric.
Now, see, that's some slick advertising.
Thanks, Pop.
Reminds me of, what, that
Terry Bruckheimer movies.
Yeah. Top Gun.
- Thanks.
- Hiya, Eric.
I'll handle this, Myron.
Thanks.
- Hey.
- We're in the market for some used droids.
I should start you guys off
with a new set of wheels first...
unless you're cool riding
around in the same rusted old shit box...
you've had since the 10th grade.
Hey, hey, hey!
She may not look like much,
but she's got it where it counts.
Uh, why are you guys here?
Do you wanna look around the lot a little bit,
drive something? What?
No. Uh, we came to talk about Linus.
Well, he just needs to realize
that people lose touch.
- That's just kind of the way things work.
- He's dying, Eric.
- What?
- He's got cancer, man.
He's tried everything to get better,
but nothing seems to work.
Odds say three, four months maybe.
And you guys are telling me this now?
We wanted to tell you
months ago, honestly...
but Linus made us promise
not to say anything.
The way we see it, you guys have been
best friends since, like, first grade.
So we figured you got the right to know.
You got the right to make your peace.
How am I supposed to make my peace
when the guy doesn't even want me to know?
With all due respect, Eric,
this isn't about you.
- I-You know what?
- Holy shit.
- Jesus Christ.
- If it ain't C-3Penis Face and R2-Dickhead.
What did you just say, you giant bastard?
- Well, well put.
- Thank you.
- Still see you're driving the nerd-mobile.
- Chaz, you're an idiot.
Hey, you know what? While you're out here
sticking G.I. Joes up your butt...
I convinced Dad to let me
recut the commercial.
So suck it. Huh?
Aw, see, you flinched.
That's gonna be two, Princess Leia.
Nanu-nanu.
Get a haircut.
- We should have killed him
when we had the chance.
- Yeah.
Jackass. Linus is coming over
to the carriage house later. So are you.
Bye, Eric.
No lightning! No lightning!
- Aw, shit. I'm a midget.
- I'm gonna flatten your ass right now.
Ah!
Suck it, Count Fagula.
Wow!
- There's no teaming up.
That's a rule!
-
Owl Head cramp!
Don't kill me.
- Hey.
- Donkey balls.
You made it, man.
Your mom said clean up this shit-hole
or no grilled cheese for a week?
That's emotional blackmail,
and you know it!
- Screw you!
- I will sue you! Renter's rights!
- You don't pay rent!
- Damn. Damn!
- What the hell is he doing here, man?
- It was Hutch's idea.
Grab a controller.
We're ganging up on Windows in Mario Kart.
I can't.
I came to talk to Linus actually.
Can I talk to you alone, man?
Linus. Hey, stop walking.
Linus! Hold up, man.
- Stop. What the hell, man?
I did nothing to you.
- Exactly. You did nothing.
Absolutely nothing.
Eric Bottler graduates high school
and never looks back.
You bailed on our plan, Bottler!
What plan?
To be the next big thing in comics?
Come on, man.
That was never gonna happen.
I did what I had to do, dude. I grew up.
I'm the only one who did.
- Look at you guys.
- You can fool everybody...
with this cheap suit,
salesman-of-the-year pitch.
But I know you better than anybody...
and deep down,
you are one miserable son of a bitch.
- Miserable, huh?
- Yeah. Miserable.
Miserable is wasting your life
in Hutch's garage playing video games...
arguing whether or not
Luke really had a thing for Leia.
You know as well as anybody...
that as soon as Luke knew Leia
was his sister, it was hands off.
They still kiss.
That was Leia kissing Luke
to make Han jealous.
That was the second time.
The first time-
The first time they're about to die!
- They were not, you liar.
- They were swinging 30,000 feet in the air.
You know when you're a sibling, okay?
There's something innate.
- There's no telepathy between
Luke and Leia till Episode VI.
- It spans the ocean.
It was romance in a sci-fi opera!
Who cares about this shit, man? Huh?
- Who cares about-
- I do. I care.
You need a new car.
They were siblings.
They were siblings, you sick bastard!
You are trapped now.
You've made your last mistake.
We need to talk.
Sure, Pop.
What's up?
Okay. Here's the deal.
It's time for the world
to see the new face of this company.
And his name's Big Eric.
Big Eric who?
Big Eric you.
It's all yours, kiddo.
The entire shebang.
All 15 locations, from here to Seattle.
I mean- Uh, yes.
Yeah. I mean, wow.
- Take the hat.
- I can't take your hat.
Go ahead.
No, really.
It looks good on you.
- Take the hat.
- But it's really-
- Take the damn hat.
- Yeah. I'll wear it for-
My God. Your mom would be so proud
to see you in that hat.
I know, Pop.
Hey. You and me?
Tanning Tuesdays?
You want to take your shirt off.
You want to take your shirt off. God.
- You wanna take that shirt off?
- Asshole.
You have been trying that Jedi mind shit
on me since the eighth grade.
- It doesn't work.
- Oh, it works. Tell her, Windows.
- He's been geeking out
with Rogue Leader all morning.
Nothing can tear him away.
- Ah!
- Rogue Leader, you are wicked.
Ah, I love the feeling of fresh air
on my naked breasts.
Oh, ho-ho!
See that?
Man's immune to sweater yams.
What about me?
I like sweater yams!
Hey.
What'll it be, fellas?
- How much for the phaser gun?
- For the phaser gun?
Sorry, Garfunke!.
We don't hock Trek here.
Well, then, Slim,
if you don't sell the Trek...
then why do you have
a phaser gun in the case?
We keep this one here to suss out
Trekkie bitches like yourself...
and tell them to get
the hell off of our land.
So get the hell off of our land.
Get the hell off of our land!
Get the hell out of here! Now!
Get out of here,
you Kirk-lovin'Spock-suckers!
- Hey.
- Hey.
You guys know where a guy can pawn off
a first edition Eric Bottler comic?
- Hey!
- Holy cannolis.
Look at that.
Yeah. That's awesome.
Dude, you had sick skills back then.
You should've stuck with it, brother.
Yeah. I would've been broke and living
in my parents' garage.
- It's a carriage house.
- Right. I know it is.
I have something else
that you guys might wanna check out.
Well, what have we got here?
Ohio to Califor-
Is this what I think it is?
Linus laid the whole thing out in fifth grade.
I figure it's time
for another epic journey, isn't it?
What's your game plan?
We storm the ranch, or we die trying.
Yeah.
Well, you guys were
all about this at the party.
- We were six Zimas to the wind at the party.
- Drunk.
Come on. You even said the Rogue Leader
has connections inside the ranch, right?
Rogue Leader? Please, man.
Windows never even met him.
- Her!
- Him.
- Maybe it's time that he does.
- Dude, this is a suicide mission, man.
Why would we even try anything like this?
For Linus.
Huh?
No.
- No?
- No. I'm not going.
Aw, Linus, you've got to go.
This is a conquest for the ages.
Our names shall become legend...
spoken in hushed tones
by nerds across the galaxy.
And we'll get laid.
More than
we've ever been laid
- Okay, please stop that.
- Sorry. I was getting into that.
I just don't wanna go
with Opie over there.
Check this out, man.
Floor plans to the Lucas Ranch.
- Yeah. Mm-hmm.
- Are you kidding? How did you get these?
My life partner, Rogue Leader,
she can break us in, man.
The question you got to ask yourself is...
"Do you have the nut sack
to go through with it?"
If I do this, it doesn't change anything.
I'll grab my suitcase
and some Big League Chew.
- Yes!
- ThunderCats! Ho!
- Told you. I knew he'd go.
- Stop humping.
Please stop humping.
Just high five.
- Oh, God. I'm Jabba the Hump.
- Oh, goddamn it.
- Chewie!
- Chewie! Damn it!
Wait a second. Whoa.
What the hell's Chewie?
It's the same rules as shotgun.
Either way, I always lose.
- Furball, you do the honors?
- Yeah.
Strap in, fellas.
Whoo!
What the hell, Hutch?
It's all Rush.
- Ever want a little variety?
- Rush is variety, bitch.
- Oh!
Rule number one:
in my van, it's Rush.
All Rush, all the time.
No exceptions.
Rule number two:
nobody touch the red button.
And I mean never touch the red button.
Most importantly,
rule number three:
there's no jerking it in my van.
What?
Fine.
Don't roll your eyes at me, Admiral Jackbar.
"Established in 1985...
"the Skywalker Ranch
is the headquarters...
of George Lucas's filmmaking empire."
So according to Rogue Leader's map...
our best odds for finding
the film is in here- the main house.
Oh, my God.
That place is legendary.
And we meet Rogue Leader at a coffee shop
in Texas Wednesday, 3:00 p. m. sharp.
- Mm-hmm.
- She's gonna give us
absolutely everything we need...
- to get into the compound.
- Nice.
White chocolate finally gets
to meet his dream girl.
- Oh!
- Ooh! Ooh!
Well, according to this,
80 West is our fastest route.
So we got 26 hours
to make it to Texas, boys.
Consider it done.
Ah!
-
- Wakey, wakey. Hands off steakey.
- It's time for Hutch's pit stop.
- Where are we?
Some say heaven.
I like to call it Iowa.
Iowa?
What about Rogue Leader?
- Iowa?
- Yeah. I made a little detour.
Hutch, we're supposed
to be going to Texas.
Welcome to Riverside, gentlemen...
future birthplace of one
Captain James T. Kirk.
Enemy territory! Nice.
Man, you drove all night for this?
Dude, I'd drive all year for the chance
to pimp slap some Trekkies.
You know what?
Leave me out of it.
Let's crack some Trekkie skulls!
Let's do it!
And it is believed
that on this very spot...
Captain James Tiberius Kirk will be born.
Hence, the statue immortalizing him...
grappling with his most accursed nemesis.
Ricardo Montalbn?
Genetically engineered tyrant Khan.
- It doesn't look like either of them.
- Thank you for pointing that out.
That is because the whores at Viacom
International threatened to sue us...
if we used their likenesses,
so we make do.
Yes. The gentleman in the beige.
I was wondering what did Sulu find
in Captain Kirk's lavatory.
Sulu clearly found a standard issue
Starfleet Z23 personal refuse device.
I believe it was the Captain's log.
- Very good.
A laugh a day keeps the doctor away, everyone.
We've been saved.
- Ooh.
- Any other comic relief?
- Ah!
- There's still homeless out there.
- Hey!
- Yes! What? You! What? Yes.
What is the Klingon translation
for,"You're gonna die a virgin"?
-
Yeah. Yeah. Okay.
Hilarious, everyone.
Looks like we got more Lucas hounds
here to mock Roddenberry.
Congratulations, gentlemen,
but I would like to see...
your Darth Vader take on one Borg drone.
And we'll see who's laughing then.
Am I right?
Darth Vader can put the entire
Borg collective in a vice grip with his mind.
Uh, Darth Vader has asthma...
so name me one Star Trek character
with a respiratory disease...
'cause I'm drawing a blank.
Name me one
Star Wars character who's gay.
- Yeah.
- Besides you.
Well, no one's gay in Star Trek,
so why would I even do that?
Captain Picard.
Captain Picard is not gay.
He's British.
- Come on."Make it so!"
- Ah-ah
I hate to break it to you losers,
but Han Solo's a bitch.
Ah, no, he didn't. No, he didn't.
What did you just say?
- Is there a problem here?
- Yeah, there sure is, Spock.
The admiral here just
called Han Solo a bitch.
- Good one.
- Some pretty strong words for a Trekkie.
A Trekkie is derogatory
at this point in the game.
Trekker is what we're called now.
Trekker.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Trekkie.
Just take a look-see here.
What's with the man-purse?
Yep. As I thought...
scanner reads"douche bag."
Push me, I'll kill your whole Starfleet.
Unbelievable!
Snikt! Snitk!
Come on, bub!
Attack, you cowards!
That's an order!
- Hutch!
- Cover me, Windows!
Evasive maneuvers!
Evasive maneuvers!
- My ear!
- Ha-ha!
Nighty-night, Spock-sucker.
Beam this, bitch!
Time-out!
I call time-out! Time-out!
- Disable their vehicle.
- Get in! Go!
Get in the van!
Get in the van!
Disable the vehicle.
Kill the Star-roids!
Get them!
Han Solo is still a bitch!
Nobody calls Han Solo a bitch.
Yeah!
Hey, Bottler, hit 'em
with the pressed ham!
Klingon to this.
Kha-a-a-an!
Kha-a-a-an!
Whoo!
I took that Vulcan down hard.
I rolled him into the dirt
like he was my frickin tauntaun.
Tauntaun, my ass. If it wasn't for me,
you guys would all be dead.
What fight were you watching?
I was channeling the emperor.
The emperor? I don't remember the emperor
crapping his robe and screaming"time-out."
- Oh, my God. That's right.
- There is such a thing as time-out.
I can feel
your anger growing inside. Wait. Time-out.
-
-
-
All right. Time-out.
We had to take your van, Hutch.
I have access to literally
thousands of vehicles...
but we had to take your van.
Yeah, well, I had a spare tire...
but some tardo took it out
to make some room for his grappling hook.
What? We're on a covert operation.
How can you be on a covert operation
without a grappling hook?
Oh! Wait.
What in Greedo's name is that?
Talk about a wretched hive
of scum and villainy.
Hmm.
You guys stay right here.
I'll take care of this.
How you doing, fellas?
Hi, fellas.
So our car broke down
a couple of miles back.
Is there anyone you know who can help us?
No.
Can I have some water?
Yeah, a glass of water, please.
Great.
Pirate teeth.
Pirate teeth.
- Pirate teeth. Don't.
- Thank you.
A hundred bucks.
For a glass of water?
That's ridiculous. I'm not gonna pay that.
Sure you will.
Hell, no. Hell, no.
Back up, buddy. Back off.
Word to the wise, ese.
- Ooh!
- Drop the tough-ass biker
routine before I get angry.
And you won't like me when I'm angry.
Hmm, I think I would.
- Hutch, let's not do this.
- Hutch, maybe-
Nah. Nah. Nah.
This guy wants
to dick with me, fine. I can dick.
I used to rape guys 15 times
your size in prison.
So you best back off...
- or, so help me God, I'm
gonna pound your ass so hard-
- Oh, Jesus.
- No. Hutch.
- What?
- There's kind of a thing in this bar. Like that.
- See?
Ixnay on the ass pounding.
A hundred dollars?
That's cool.
Afraid it's too late for that, ese.
Our midnight entertainment bailed.
Time to pay for that drink.
Oh, dear God.
We're gonna die up here, aren't we?
We have to strip to Menudo?
You got a problem with Menudo?
Now, take it off!
That's it, man!
"Nobody puts Baby in a corner!"
You want some Swayze action, bitches?
Yeah!
You like that, huh?
Whoo!
I'm gonna do it.
I'm gonna do it, and you're gonna like it!
-
-
He's got one ball.
Un testculo.
- Oh, that's disgusting.
Okay, I had a...
torrid lightsaber battle
went wrong when I was a child.
All right, all right, all right.
Show's over, fellas.
- You boys took a wrong turn?
- Our car broke down.
The Chief can fix it.
The Chief?
This is some kick-ass guac
you whipped up, man.
- I feel funny.
- Tingly.
- I feel good.
- Karate is cool.
Guys, I don't think we're eating...
your everyday garden-variety guacamole.
I got recipe from Emeril.
Avocado, onion,
chopped garlic- Bam!
- Bam!
- Bam!
And the Chief's secret ingredient.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
- What?
- What?
There's an ewok right beside you.
Oh, wow. She's humping your leg.
It's humping your leg.
She's humping your leg.
I love you.
Wahh!
Death is but a path to life,
a passage to the stars...
to the universe.
I know what you mean.
You mean the Force.
The Force.
Guys, my dad is
gonna kill me if I don't get to work on Monday.
Putz. Screw it, man.
- No!
- Join me, Son.
Come to the Dark Side.
- The Dark Side.
- No! No!
Rogue Leader.
What the hell you doing, man?
You're poking me.
Oh, God. Don't flatter yourself, okay?
It's just my R2.
My lucky R2.
Man, you wish you had
the height and girth of D2.
- Yeah!
- Wow!
Hah! Van!
Son of a whore!
The Buce is back.
The Chief fixed it while you were asleep.
The Chief fixed it.
Is he around? Can we thank him?
He's the Chief.
You're the Chief, aren't you?
- Why didn't you say so?
- The Chief likes to refer to
himself in the third person.
It causes confusion,
especially with the bitches.
Well, you're cool as balls,
you burned-out old hash-head.
Wonder Twins power activate.
It's been interesting.
Thanks.
You need it more than I do.
Wow. Thank you. I, uh-
- Good luck.
- Thanks.
Who's up for Texas, boys?
Lump was limp and lonely
and needed a shove
Lump slipped on a kiss
and tumbled into love
She spent her 20s
between the sheets
Life limped along
at subsonic speeds
- She's lump, she's lump
She's in my head
- Hi.
- Hey-
- She's lump, she's lump, she's lump
- Yeah!
- She might be dead
- Ah
Bah
Ba-ba, ba-da-da-da
Bah
- Yes!
- Bah, ba-ba, ba-da-da-da
Thank you for the blue balls, ladies!
Harrison Ford
is the greatest actor of all time!
In the history of cinema?
He's Han Solo, Indiana Jones. Yes!
- Deckard from Blade Runner.
- Yes. Exactly.
Greatest actor of all time.
He's never done a bad movie.
Does that sign say"electric fence"?
Watch this. Ready?
Is this lump outta my head
Let's just hope she's still here.
Oh, she'll be here.
Give her a taste of that white chocolate.
What do you think?
Oh, my God.
- 'Toid me.
- You ready?
- Yeah. Thank you.
- Nice.
Go get her.
Where have you been
all my life, sweet baby
Girl, I've been waiting
For a while now
- Hi there.
- Yes, I have
- Oh, my God!
- There's a star in the sky
That shines brightly on you
When that pretty dress
that you're wearing
- Makes you so fine
Rogue Leader, I presume?
Red 6?
Let me just put my glasses on.
What the hell?
You're a kid.
You're 12.
- I'm 10.
- You're 10?
I'm a pedophile! I'm a pedophile!
- I'm a pedophile!
- Give us a moment, please.
I have to leave this state at once.
Yea! Yea!
That was fantastic.
We drove a thousand miles, Windows.
A thousand.
For what?
So you can get funky
with Strawberry Shortcakes?
It's not really sex if it's cyber-sex.
Relax. We're gonna sit down.
We're gonna put on our thinking caps.
- And we're gonna get a better plan.
- No, it's-
I have to be back by Monday.
I haven't told you guys this yet, but my-
My dad gave me the company.
- Hey!
- Thanks, man.
Yeah, the whole thing.
The whole thing is mine now.
What's the new game plan?
Let's get in the van
and get the hell out of here.
- This is just a minor setback.
- It's a minor setback for you.
I live in the real world, okay?
I have to go back to work.
You have to go back
to... your mom's garage.
- It's a carriage house.
- It's a garage, man.
- Say it again.
- It's a garage.
- Excuse me. Excuse me.
- Guys!
- Holding my schlong!
- Okay! Okay.
- Harry Knowles.
- Harry who?
- Hello.
- This man is the ultimate fanboy, Eric.
His Web site"Ain't it Cool News"
is like every geek's homepage.
Which one of you's Windows?
Me.
I'm Windows.
- Nice to meet you-
- Oh!
Back off!
- Oh, God!
- Ohh!
Harry Knowles is kicking Windows's ass.
Now, you listen to me, perv.
If you ever e-mail my niece again,
I will hunt you down like a T-1000.
Okay, Mr. Knowles, he didn't know- Okay.
- You will release my friends.
- Back!
We wanted to break into the Skywalker Ranch.
Kimmy said she'd give us the floor plans.
We were gonna break in
and steal Episode I, that's it.
That is the stupidest thing I've heard
since Schumacher put nips on Batman.
- Ohh!
- These aren't the droids you're looking for, man.
- Heh!
- Anybody else have any stupid comments?
It's very stupid, but true. We've been
planning this since we were like six.
Listen.
Harry, Harry, Harry.
If you help us out, we'll give you all
the exclusive spoilers and all.
- Okay?
- Ohh.
That's an interesting offer.
Episode V was directed by who?
- Irvin Kershner.
- That was just a warm-up.
You. In Episode VI when Leia shoots down
two scout troopers...
why doesn't she take one
of the speeder bikes instead of walking?
If you pay attention closely,
the speeder bikes were destroyed.
And then Luke refers to it
later on in the dialogue.
Impressive. I wasn't really
worried about you though.
What was Luke Skywalker's call sign
during the rebel assault in Episode IV?
Red 5.
You are all only as strong
as your weakest link.
Hello, weakest link.
- What?
- What is the name
of Chewbacca's home planet?
- It's never discussed in the movies.
That's not fair.
I know. I know.
Do you give up?
Come on, man.
Say it.
Kashyyyk. Kashyyyk.
Chewie's home planet is Kashyyyk.
Chewie's home planet is Kashyyyk.
Well played, boys.
I'll help you.
You're gonna meet my friend in Vegas.
- He's got everything you need. Okay?
- Okay.
- How will we know who he is?
- Oh, don't worry. You'll know.
The password: Scruffy Nerfherder.
- Scruffy Nerfherder.
- Good luck, boys.
Nice detailing.
We're going to Vegas, fellas.
Hey, Hutch, you mind slowing down?
Sorry. I don't speak jagoff.
I just thought it might be nice
to get to Vegas alive.
-
- Are you kidding me?
We got Imperial bacon.
Okay, probably not the best time
to tell you guys this...
but, uh, there's a giant bag of peyote
in the back of the van.
- What?
- Excuse me?
The Chief gave it to me.
Hutch, just pull over
and get the ticket, man, okay?
We can't pull over
with a big-ass bag of peyote on us.
Pull over and stop!
Do what he says, Hutch.
Do what he says, Hutch.
- Don't do what he says.
- Do what he says, Hutch.
- It's gonna be okay, fellas. It's gonna be okay.
- Pull over, man.
Suck my exhaust, pork rind!
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, Jesus!
- Talk to me, Goose.
- Talk to you? He's back.
- He found us!
- God!
- Move this piece of shit!
- You don't call my van a piece of shit!
- Well?
- Hey, ladies, ladies!
You got to break rule number two.
- Chewie, prepare to make
the jump to hyperspace.
- Yes!
Okay, I'm ready.
Somebody tell me
what the goddamn red button's for!
It's light speed, kid.
- Light speed?
- Yeah.
Punch it!
-
- What the- Come on!
- You're not gonna do this to me now.
- No. Okay, I'm resetting.
- Light speed. Impressive.
-
I put a tank of nitrous in this thing.
It's not firing.
- Hutch, please do something.
- Hutch!
Damn it.
Whoo!
Oh, my God!
It's working!
Whoo!
- Stay on target! Stay on target!
- Oh, God!
Oh, shit!
-
-
I probably shouldn't
have called that cop a fag.
I think he took it the wrong way.
Breakfast.
- Oh, God.
- Ow!
- Jesus!
- Oh, God.
Ham and cheese.
Well, look on the bright side, you guys.
This trip can't get any worse.
It just did, boys.
- What?
- I got to drop a sewer pickle.
Yeah, I got to throw her into reverse.
Bottler, give me your sandwich, bro.
Hook me up.
Another one.
- What's the sandwich for?
- I don't know.
I'm not gonna sit on this.
- Oh, Hutch!
- Jesus.
It's crawling with criminal ass germs.
- Just hover, man.
- Okay, listen up, pre-pubes.
You got a visitor-
Sweet can of corn.
What are you doing with that ham sandwich,
boy? It's not right what you're doing.
Hutch, you owe me a sock.
I had to wipe with something.
You pussies owe me, big time.
- Oh, Zoe, thank God.
- We weren't sure if you'd gotten our message.
If by message you mean Windows shrieking
into my answering machine like a little girl...
- then yes, message received.
- You don't know
what we've been through.
Hutch just took a dump in front of us.
Yeah. That's life inside the big house.
Zoe, promise me you brought the money.
I cleared out every cent
Windows had in the comic store.
- You what?
- Oh! Don't even speak.
I took two taxis, an airplane
and an all-night bus ride...
next to an old man that I am
pretty sure had a full diaper.
Hey, hey, okay.
Okay, visiting time's over.
The judge wants to see y'all
in his private chambers.
Oh, yeah.
Just one more thing.
Whatever you do,
do not make fun of his name.
Let me see if I got this right.
Now, you tried to outrun
an officer of the law...
because you obtained a bag of peyote
from a Mexican Indian chief...
who thought it would help
treat your friend's terminal illness?
- Yes.
- Mm-hmm.
I'm gonna let you boys go.
Not because I believe you.
- Because I believe your father.
- My father?
- Mm-hmm.
- You actually spoke with my dad?
Sure did.
He wanted me to give you this message.
Approach the bench.
Have a nice day, son.
Yeah. Man's gone
carbonite freeze on us.
We got to be in Vegas
in less than 24 hours.
All right. I'm gonna go smack
some sense into the boy.
Whoa. Cut him some slack.
Okay.
I just mapped out our route to Vegas
on my Toughbook...
and the closest airport's
about a hundred miles north of here.
So all we got to do
is drop the ol' Zoe off...
and then it's a straight shot
to Sin City.
Ho! Hold on.
You haul my ass
out into the middle of nowhere...
and expect me to just jump
on the first plane back?
Sorry. It's not gonna happen.
Come on. You know this trip is men only.
I tell you what.
I'll get on the plane
if any one of you can take me down.
Listen, Princess.
No one wants to see you get hurt.
I'm gonna get Botts.
- Get off of me!
- Oh, my God!
- Be a man, Hutch.
- Get her off of me!
- Hutch, say"time-out."
- Don't just stand there!
Shoot her!
Somebody shoot her!
- Help me, for God sake! God help me!
- Gentlemen.
- Get the jaws of life!
- I'm good.
Welcome aboard.
- Now go get Eric.
- Yes, sir!
And be nice.
You're lucky I have a crush on you.
Yo, Botts, you okay?
You know, I could do this-
start a life here.
Clean slate.
Fresh air.
No pressure, no responsibility.
Yeah, it seems nice, man.
In theory it sounds nice.
I bet there's not even like a Blockbuster Video
within 500 miles of here.
Or like a Falafel Hut or-
Guys, shut up.
I just figured if I...
worked hard and...
sold enough cars and impressed my dad
enough times, I'd-
I'd feel something.
You gotta find your Death Star.
Okay, I'll bite.
Greatest deed Luke Skywalker ever did...
was take down the Death Star, right?
As far as I'm concerned,
that's what everybody needs.
You need that one bad-ass thing...
that lets you live on forever, you know.
Yeah.
Hey, Spice Girls!
Are you gonna swap recipes all day?
Vegas awaits, ladies.
- Wow!
- Sweet!
And here's where you learn
how to do Vegas, fanboy style.
- You guys thinking
what I'm thinking?
-
They are everywhere, Giles.
Mama, star people.
This is so gay.
Ow!
Let me get that for you.
You, uh-You might wanna hit the showers.
'Cause you smell like something
shit in my nose.
- Yes, Your Highnessness.
- Ew!
What in God's name is living on your chest?
It looks like you fell on ALF.
- God!
- Look who's back in uniform.
- Nice.
- Yeah, it's almost 8:00, so we
gotta go meet Harry's contact.
Then let's go.
- You guys coming?
- I'll catch up with you guys later.
I'm just gonna do a bit
of pillagin' the tables first.
- Twenty-two. Loser.
- Ah, Jesus!
That is mathematically impossible.
I must have the worst luck
in the northern hemisphere.
I heard about the Rogue Leader debacle.
- That's one for the record books.
- Hey.
A cross between Sarah Michelle Gellar
and Janeane Garofalo, it's too good to be true.
I just have to face the facts, Zoe.
I'm 24 years old...
and I've only ever copulated
with one woman.
Plenty of guys have
only been with one woman.
I don't know that many women
to have only been with one woman.
I, uh-
I'm female kryptonite.
Look, you're fine around me.
Well, yeah, of course I am.
That's 'cause...
you are not a girl.
You know what I mean?
No. Please enlighten me.
You know every Bond villain,
you constantly quote Clash of the Titans...
and you've beat every Zelda game
Nintendo's ever released.
- I mean-
- Dude, dude, dude. Three o'clock, man.
Hotties on the slotties.
I would knock the nickels
out of that pussy!
Dude, you're gonna be my Dak today,
all right? Follow my lead.
- Wait, wait. Whoa, whoa.
You wanna just talk to them?
- Yeah. It's called having balls.
Or in your case, one ball.
Come on. Eric and Linus are waiting.
What are you, the wife?
Let's go.
- Wait. You're going over there?
- Uh-
Turns out you're more
clueless than you think.
- Apparently, so am I.
- What does that mean? Zoe!
- Zoe!
- Come on.
- Pardon me.
- Hi there.
- Hello. How are you?
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Ladies.
- You ladies looking for love in Alderaan places?
- Excuse me?
- Alderaan is the last planet
destroyed by the Death Star-
Bomba, bomba, bomba!
Dat-dat-dat-dat-dat-dat! Daniel-san.
What my socially retarded friend
was trying to say...
was that we'd like to
maybe buy you two gals a beverage.
- Sure.
- Sure.
Oh, my God. Wow.
You know, uh, Eric and Linus
are waiting for us.
I think that they're going to understand.
They're going to understand.
Where are they, man?
It's almost- It's almost 8:00!
I don't know where they are, but we
don't have time to wait for 'em. Come on.
Convention room's this way.
Let's go.
- Rak non!
- Yes, sir!
Phasers on stun.
Being the C.E.O.
of my own company...
I'm not gonna lie to you,
I get a lot of perks.
I got a big-ass mansion, you know.
I got a butler-
Maurice.
Bentley in the drive.
Flux capacitor.
I mean, the 1.21 gigawatts,
that don't come cheap, you know.
- But I got the duckets, you know.
- Wow.
There's nothing more sexy
than a man with power.
What do you mean?
Like-You like power?
- Uh-huh.
- I like power.
- I got a hell of a lot of power.
- Yeah?
Yeah.
You want to come sit on my lap.
Oh. Wow.
You want to take your shirt off.
Wow-ar-r-rm.
Yummy!
Oh, my God.
- Can you smell that?
- Trekkies.
Yeah.
Badges.
Yeah, we're not here for the Trek.
Okay? We're here to see somebody.
And who would that be?
We're here to see the nerfherder.
- Hmm?
- Scruffy Nerfherder.
Ow! Ow! Ow! Stop!
And then Zoe just storms off.
I mean, she's really...
a very difficult specimen
to read sometimes.
If you know what I mean.
But I-
You just can't act like that
if you wanna be one of the guys.
Maybe... she doesn't
wanna be one of the guys.
She likes you.
But I didn't-
But she kind of just-
Jesus Murphy!
Wow. Okay.
What-What should I do?
Well, if there's one thing
I learned being an escort...
it's that actions speak louder than words.
Did you just say"escort"?
Fantastic.
-
- Shh!
- I don't think we're alone.
- Yeah.
You're late!
It's all there-
maps, pass codes...
phony I.D.'s to get you past the front gates,
but that's not what's most important.
What's most important?
We never met.
- That's Capt-
- Yeah. I think-
I should- Hi.
I can't believe that these are classified.
And there's-
Look at the maps. I mean, there's badges.
And there's Trekkin' with TJ.
What is this for?
Just something for the ride.
- Thank you.
- This is unreal. How did you score all this stuff?
Are you kidding?
I'm William Shatner. I can score anything.
- Okay.
- How 'bout- How 'bout Jeri Ryan's panties?
- Oh.
- Anything.
- I'm so glad that we met.
- Me too.
This is-Whoa. Hey.
Wait, wait.
Okay, let me go.
- Hutch, private convo. Jesus.
- What the hell are you-
What are you doing, man?
Get the hell out of here.
It's not a good time.
The Force is strong with me here.
- Actually, your hour's over.
- What do you mean,"over"?
- Hutch, they're hookers.
- We're not hookers. We're escorts.
- The difference being?
- I don't know.
Excuse me. Sorry.
You telling me...
that I just spent the last hour sweet talking
a smoking, hot whore?
- You could always pay for another hour.
- How much?
- One thousand.
- Dollars?
- Mm-hmm.
- Each! I want a refund.
- Give me a refund.
- Is that possible?
You know what? We're male
prostitutes and you owe us a thousand dollars!
- You can talk it over with Roach.
- Roach?
- Hi, Daddy.
- Greetings and salutations. It is payday.
- Ten-thousand shares of Priceline?
- Anything.
- Wow.
- Next time you see Harry
Knowles, tell him we're square.
Friends of yours?
Cry havoc!
Zinfandel.
That's a good vintage.
Uh, this has all been
a really big misunderstanding.
You see, my friend and I, we didn't know
that we were on the clock, per se.
You thought you were
getting that for free, did ya?
- Uh, Mr. Roach?
- Yeah?
Would you mind not eating
those peanuts 'cause-
Buddy, these are like
$10 a peanut, you know.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.
Well, why don't you take it
out of the $2,000...
that you and your skinny
little idiot friend owe me, how's that sound?
- Rebel Alliance, dude.
- What? Enunciate.
- Rebel Alliance.
- Rebel Alliance.
We recognize the tat.
We're Star Wars fans.
- You're Star Wars fans?
- Yeah.
Shit. Why didn't you say so, man?
You think that's cool,
check this shit out. Look.
Entire right side, Rebel Alliance.
"Do or do not." That's funny.
And this arm
is the Dark Side
Don't join the Dark Side
of the Force
Check this out.
Episode I.
Fu-Schnickens.
Jar-Jar Binks.
That guy's gonna be the shit.
I tell you.
- Wow.
- Right? You like that?
- I had them do that pose.
I thought it was funny.
- That is awesome.
- You guys are all right.
- So, we're all hunky-dory?
- We're all copacetic?
- Well, if the word"copacetic" means...
I'm gonna rip off your tongue
and lick your ass with it, then yeah...
- we're copacetic.
- Oh.
- Windows, now!
- It was lovely to meet you.
Thank you so much for listening.
- Go, go, go!
- Balloons?
You thought that was gonna stop 'em?
- Grab the princess.
- Come on, Zoe!
- Get off me. I'm not speaking to you.
- Seriously. We gotta go now!
Why are we running? What did you do?
They're everywhere!
They're everywhere!
You're going the wrong way!
Yeah!
That's him!
He's the one who destroyed Khan.
You called Han Solo a bitch, man!
Han Solo is a bitch.
No one calls...
Han Solo a bitch!
- Go, go, go!
- Go, go, go!
Why are we running?
- Go! Come on!
- What is going on?
You stop this van, you little sons of bitches!
I'm gonna kill you!
This is not copacetic.
You stop!
Zoe, hit him with the pressed ham!
Yeah!
- Yeah!
- Nice.
Nailed it.
Linus? Jesus!
- Where'd he go?
- Did he fall out?
Chewie.
I call Chewie.
Dr. Richardson
to Trauma 2. Dr. Richardson, Trauma 2.
Your friend's awake.
- Uh, cool. Can we see him?
- Yes.
But first we need to have a little talk.
Linus tells me that
you're on some sort of a road trip.
- Uh, yeah, up to San Francisco.
- Well, not anymore, fellas.
The only place he's going is back to Ohio.
- We can't do that.
- Just what's so important in San Francisco?
- Uh, he-
- Star Wars.
Star Wars?
Look, he is very, very sick
and he needs to go home.
No.
Guys, we can't-we can't do this now.
We can't give up now.
Not when we're so close.
Linus, it's just a movie.
Yeah, maybe it is.
Maybe it is. You know what?
To most people, Star Wars
is just a movie, right?
- Not to us!
- We just spoke to the doctor.
Screw that doctor!
Screw- Screw all those people!
Did-Did they ever get their- their heads stuck
in a bucket trying to be Darth Vader?
- I mean, I don't think so. No.
- Nope.
Did they ever singe their eyebrows
trying to make a lightsaber?
No way. Did they name
their right hand Leia?
Who knows?
Yes, they could have.
- But you know who did?
- Me.
Yes, you did.
So did I. So did you.
- We all did.
- You guys are freaking sick. You know that?
This is our Death Star, man.
And I don't know about you, guys,
but I'm not running away from this one.
- Me neither.
- Screw it. I named both my hands Leia.
What the hell are you doing?
Do you know who this is?
It's that way.
Jail break!
Jail break!
What's going on?
- Hold it right there!
- No, uh, please-
You're our only hope.
Take two of these every three hours.
Oh, my God.
- I love you.
- I know.
Yeah!
-
- Mmm.
Nothing worse than a locked shitter
when you got to turd, am I right?
Seriously, man.
That is it, man!
I don't wanna do this anymore!
Why not? What'd I tell you,
sweet and womanly, right?
- Womanly?
-
- Make sure you go tell your friends.
- I'll be back.
Bam, bam, bam!
Hyah! Wanna try that?
Start the car! Start the van!
Hi!
- Let's do it! Let's do it!
- Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Shut up, man! It was a hundred
miles ago! Stop living in the past!
Oh, my God!
Lucas Valley Road.
We gotta steal that sign, guys.
- Zoe, how we looking out there?
One guard manning the booth.
Couple civvies roaming about.
- Nothing we can't handle.
- All right, fellas,"X" marks our target.
Level"C" editing bays. It's our best chance
for finding the rough cut.
Excellent. Okay.
Once we've breached the front gate...
we're gonna be off on foot, so we're gonna
have to take a shortcut at this wall here.
And you know what that means.
Are you shitting-
Grappling hook?
A modern-day warrior
Mean, mean stride
Today's Tom Sawyer
Mean, mean pride
I can do this.
- Get up.
- Windows, how's it look up there?
Windows, make sure there are no cameras.
- Can you see anything?
All right, one, two-
- Oh, Jesus!
- Windows, Jesus!
-
- Owl
- Okay.
- Wait. There he is. Good man. Good man.
Let's go.
Follow my lead. Follow my lead.
Get down. Stay low. The ninja roll.
Guys, get down!
- Jackass.
- Guys, wait for me.
I hate running.
This is like the most exercise
you guys have gotten all year.
This is the one Shatner
said would be open.
A breach in Skywalker security.
Wow. Okay, we're in.
I feel like we're in a Scooby-Doo episode.
Go, go, go, go.
- Hutch?
- Yeah?
Your ass still smells like ham and cheese.
Sweet. That way.
Wow.
Shatner, don't fail us now, right?
Whoa.
Yeah!
- Oh, my God.
- No way.
We're home, boys.
See, that's what I call a collection.
This is where I want my ashes scattered.
Oh!
-" Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi.
You're my only hope."
They've got Indy stuff.
Thermal detonator.
I think I'm gonna cry.
Hey. They got Willow's spell book!
You know, Willow?
Little guy?
Magical-
"Kaiya."
Who cares about Willow?
Look at this.
"Throw me the idol."
Guys, look at this.
"We've got bad dates."
One kaddam for the Hebrew god.
We have a breach in the archive room.
Breach in the archive room.
You know, no matter
how you felt about the guy...
Vader embraced his fate.
He faced death head-on.
No one moves.
Subjects have been located.
Requesting backup.
Please step away from Lord Vader.
Dude, what's up with the outfits?
Company policy.
You wanna work here,
you gotta wear the suit.
Carl, you make us wear the suit.
- Run?
- Run.
- Run.
- Zoe!
- Just go!
- I'm not leaving without her.
- What, are you crazy? It's three against one!
Never tell me the odds.
There can be only one.
Time for you to get mauled, boy.
I'm good.
- Go!
- Let's go!
Man down! Man down!
Stop! Don't move!
Run!
Subjects are fleeing to the west corridor!
- Go, go, go!
- Stop!
Go, go!
Come on!
Hmm. Yoda says going up you are.
- In!
- Get in! Get your ass in there!
- Hurry!
- Let's go!
Move it! Over there!
Over there! Let's go!
That was awesome!
Where the hell are we?
I have a bad feeling about this.
Um, you guys don't think that the, um-
We are in George Lucas's trash room.
Don't be ridiculous, okay?
The walls are not gonna close in on us.
-
- Holy-
- Jesus!
- Let's fortify the walls with this.
- Do it!
- Um, girls?
- Goddamn you, walls!
Girls!
That'd be the air duct.
- And that there's the exit.
- Yeah, the exit.
- And you guys are the big pussies.
- I knew.
"3PO!
We're all right!"
Guys, this way!
- Yikes!
- Check in here.
This one's clear.
Damn it, shut up!
I think we lost 'em, right?
Yeah, we lost them for now, but we
cannot run around this place all night.
Guys!
We're in the motherboard.
We're in.
- George Lucas's office.
- George Lucas's office!
Holy shit. Oh, wow.
We're- We're-
- Oh, my God.
- We're in the motherboard.
You guys need to see this.
You guys need to see this. Look.
-
- Holy Hoth!
- I think this is it. I think this is it.
- Oh, my God.
Play it. Play it.
Hey, get over here.
Come on.
-
- The crawl!
The crawl!
- Oh, my God.
-
Come on! Come on!
- Here you are.
- Yeah.
That hooker in Vegas gave me something.
What?
The truth.
I'm in love with you and, uh-
I love you too.
- Stand back.
-
- Okay, on your feet!
- Us?
- Yeah! Come on up! On your feet!
- Get on outta here! Come on!
Now! Get on your feet!
Yeah, get on your feet!
Who the hell are these people?
- And line up against the wall, all of you!
- Back against the wall!
Get up! What are you talkin' about? Hey!
Step away from the Millennium Falcon
and line up against the wall.
- Now!
- Oh.
- Oh, God.
- Linus, what are you doing, man?
I'm feeling crazy right now.
- Dude, do you have any idea
how valuable that thing is?
- Not a good idea.
Put it down. Come on.
Put it down now!
You guys stand up against the wall,
or I will smash this thing into a billion pieces!
I will.
I will smash this!
- No.
- What, you think I won't?
- No, I don't.
- No, you don't, you think that I won't...
or, no, you don't, you think that I will?
- The first one.
- I'm confused. Who's doing what now?
- You tell me.
- It doesn't matter.
Because if he puts down the Millennium
Falcon, I will smash this training remote...
erasing it from history.
- Come on, guys. Let's rethink this.
- Shut up, Windows!
- Who's doing what?
- Put down the Millennium Falcon
and the training remote...
or I will destroy this puppet.
- Craig! You can't!
- Shut up, Barry.
- Put down Master Yoda!
- You put yours down, damn it!
I can't do it!
- All right, everybody shut up!
- Oh!
Swear to God, this little ewok
is going up in flames! I'll do it.
- Do it. Go ahead. Burn it.
- I will.
- Yeah, burn it.
- Guys, nobody wants this.
- I will.
- Burn it. Burn it.
- I'm gonna. That's what I said!
- Burn it!
Good. I was always more of
a Star Trek fan anyway.
Damn Trekkies are everywhere!
All right, we'll take it from here.
Sir, give me the Falcon.
- I can't believe I let you guys get me into this.
- Shut up!
How you guys doing?
You guys doing good?
So let me get this right.
You guys wanted to see
our movie early for free.
So you broke into private property, huh?
- And you tried to steal it.
- I-I-
I haven't even seen the movie yet!
Sir, I understand that this looks bad-
It looks like three-to-five-years, locked-up,
for-breaking-and-entering bad.
That's right, sweet cheeks.
By the time y'all walk away from this...
your faces are gonna be
shrunken and shriveled...
just like your one nut.
What? How can he possibly know that?
Oh, we know about your uniball.
We know everything,
Mr. Harold Hutchinson, a. k. a. Hutch.
Son of Gloria.
Humongous Rush fan.
Dude, you're freaking me out.
How do you know this?
Because you have a Rush shirt on, dipshit.
And because we have
a dossier on every single one of you.
No one move!
Get your hands off the glass table.
Hello, Mr. Lucas.
Shut up!
Shut your mouths.
- Yes.
- I can hear his beard.
Yes. Shut up. Mm-hmm.
I don't wanna say that it was a hole in my
security, but- How did you guys break in?
- I used a grappling hook-
- And we climbed-
- Was William Shatner involved with this?
- No. Not at all.
They said no.
No. No one was hurt. Not yet.
Mm-hmm.
Okay. Very well.
Damn it. I've just been told
that what I said earlier I no longer believe.
Hmm?
Mr. Lucas is touched and mildly flattered
by what you have done here.
And I have been informed
that I feel the same way.
So the charges are gonna be dropped.
That is, of course, if you are...
what you appear to be.
Uh, what do we appear to be?
Fanboys. Something we can easily
determine with a simple quiz.
What is the name of the planet
that Leia gave Grand MoffTarkin...
as the false location of the rebel base
in Episode IV?
- Dantooine.
- What is the name of the gunner
in Luke's snow speeder?
- Dak.
- Where is a woman's g-spot located?
- What?
- If you were to ask a woman to
perform a Mississippi handbag...
where would your testicles end up?
That's not a Star Wars question.
I didn't say the nipples.
I said the little bumps around the nipples.
Yar-Arr-
That is not a Louisiana pile driver.
But you wouldn't know
about that, would you? Hmph. Virgin.
Virgin.
Areola borealis?
Near the-the, um, bumps?
That's what you do.
You aim for the eye, grab the lip...
lead her around the room-
blinding the marlin.
God, you're sexy and well-versed.
I like it.
Okay. Guards!
- Okay, that's it.
- That's what happens. Okay, I got it. All right.
- I'm good.
- Bye-bye.
Congratulations.
Mr. Lucas has decided to drop the charges.
So, what?
We're free to go, right?
Well, not exactly.
He says you can watch the film.
What?
We can watch the movie?
Hold it. Hold it.
Only you.
It's good, man.
It's right.
Hey, are you lonely
- Has summer gone so slowly
We found the ground
And that damage was done
It's cold
as you fade into the sun
Where'd you go
To me
But you're alive
Well, it's only
Fallen frames
they told me
You stand out
It's so loud
and so what if it is
It's cold as you face
into the wind
Chewie.
Tonight the sun
shall see its light
So what if you catch me
Where would we land
In somebody's life
for taking his hands
Sing to me hope
as she's thrown on the sand
All of our work
is rated again
Where to go
- That's not bad.
- Thanks, man.
There's something I need to-
I should...
probably tell you before, uh-
Before I'm gone.
You could say it.
I won't hold it against you.
I just- I wish I could...
change these last three years, you know.
You know, I wouldn't want you to.
You gotta keep the flaws.
Crappy effects.
Real puppets.
That's what makes it so good, you know?
Yeah.
This was never about the movie.
You know, this was, uh-
this was about all of us.
Hey.
Look at us.
We're together again, freezing our nuts off.
No teaming up! That's a rule!
You're such dicks!
- Both of you are dicks!
- I'm gonna go save him.
- Please.
- You coming?
No, I'm good right here.
All right, man.
I'm good right here.
Guys, it's time.
That better be your lucky R2 poking me.
Nope. My penis.
You guys are gross.
Any, uh-
Any sign of Hutch?
- Talk to me.
- It's me. Where the hell are you?
I'm just finishing up
at the garage here, man.
- Shake a leg, ya bastard. We're saving your place.
- All right.
Okay!
Yes! That's awesome.
That's awesome.
- Hey!
- Hey! Oh, my God!
Right at the buzzer.
Yeah!
Excuse me.
Are you Eric Bottler?
Yeah.
- We just got your new comic.
- Whoa.
- Thanks, guys. I appreciate that.
- I don't.
I think it's quite shoddy.
- Worst series ever.
- Total Lucas rip-off!
- The artwork is neophyte.
- At best.
- What's up, my nerds?
- Ah.
Why don't you ask the man for an autograph?
Ask the man for an autograph!
Do it!
"You are a douche bag.
Love, Eric Bottler."
Here you go.
All right, let's move it,
Boba Fags. End of the line.
- Move it! Let's go!
- Chaz, what the hell are you doing here, man?
Ah, come on, bro.
It's the Wars.
I love that about you.
Look at you, C-3Penis Face.
How'd you pull that trim?
- Doctor.
- Oh!
- Smart man.
- Thank you, sir.
They're good. There you go.
- Hey, you guys. To Linus.
- Yeah, to Linus.
- Hey, you guys.
- What, man?
What if the movie sucks?