Fancy Pants (1950) Movie Script
1
Hey, fancy pants!
No popcorn during my performance,
peasants.
January 6th, 1912.
William Howard Taft,
president of these United States,
signs an Enabling Act admitting
the territory of New Mexico
into the Union
as the 47th state.
From a far day in 1850,
the stubborn frontiersmen
of this great territory
asserted their rights to statehood.
This, then, is not the story
of how New Mexico won
its heartbreaking struggle
for admission.
Rather, it is an account of one of the
reasons the struggle took 62 years.
This, then, is the saga
of a lost cause
and one man who helped
to lose it.
His story begins
one summer's day in 1905
on a cricket field
just outside London.
The score is 76 for the gentlemen,
105 for the players.
Lynhaven makes ready
to deliver again to Mr. Fairwick.
A splendid blow.
Oh, I say, there.
- Aggie! Cut out that whistling.
- But Ma, he hit a homer.
Whistling ain't refined.
Now, you quit it
or I'll bang you over the head
with these.
Oh, I say, this is a bit thick, what?
Well, for my part, I find
the young lady rather intriguing.
Oh, you can't be serious,
Van-Basingwell.
Never seen anything quite so crude.
Dress, gaudy jewelry,
disgusting display of wealth.
Oh, indeed, yes.
And I made a point
of introducing myself.
- You don't say.
- Yes.
Name is Floud.
Mother is an American
nouveau riche,
determined to inflict culture
upon her daughter Agatha.
- Quite a pippin, huh, Twombley?
- Scarcely your cup of tea, George.
Oh, beyond a cup of tea, Twombley.
More substantial thinking needed
these impoverished days.
Beef and potatoes.
Oh, I say.
My word.
Indeed.
Look, Ma, we got ourselves
a souvenir.
You give them back their ball
this minute.
Hand it over.
I say!
- Is it broken?
- I don't think so.
- Can you continue?
- Of course.
- Stout fellow.
- Let's play.
- Now, keep out of the game, will you?
- The Flouds.
Oh, your lordship.
I'm glad to see you.
- Hi, earl.
- Hello. Mrs. Floud, Miss Floud,
allow me to introduce my friend
Lord Twombley.
- How's that?
- Twombley.
- Howdy, lordship.
- Charmed.
- Aggie.
- Glad to meet you.
- Charmed again.
- Well, earl, what do you know?
What do I know?
Well, not very much.
I stopped to ask if you couldn't drop in
at my country place for the weekend.
- Be glad to.
- Good, good.
I'd like you to meet my family.
- Delighted. Wouldn't we, Aggie?
- Oh, yeah, we're charmed.
Yes. Well, then
I'll send my carriage for you.
Be ready and waiting, your lordship.
- Good afternoon.
- So long.
Toodle-loo.
- Now we're getting somewhere.
- Yeah.
I wanna get somewhere
and loosen these corsets.
But George, you haven't got
a country place, nor a family.
- But Reggie has.
- Reggie?
Yes, Reggie, and he's in Africa.
And I know just where to dig up
a suitable family.
Tennis, anyone?
How can you think of tennis
at a time like this?
I say, what are we doing
at this beastly play?
I told you we needed suitable family
to impress the Americans.
Behold the mater.
Ring for Humphrey, Cyril.
My nerves scream for tea.
Of course.
Did you ring, mum?
Why didn't you wait till I rang,
you idiot?
Tea, mum?
I slitched.
I am soaked again,
you monster! Stop!
This piece will dry out like new.
It's pumpernickel.
Just needs pumping out.
- Blundering American idiot.
- Ought to go back to his native land.
If we could solve the disappearance
of Alicia's necklace.
I'm still not satisfied with Humphrey's
explanation of his whereabouts
- during the time of the crime.
- But I've already explained.
I was in the village
performing an errand
for his lordship and...
And if his lordship were here,
instead of away on a hunting trip,
- he would verify my statement.
- Indeed.
- Your lordship!
- You heard his story. What about it?
Amazing concoction of fabrication.
I never realized a trusted retainer
would turn out to be a scoundrel.
- He's lying, I tell you. Lying.
- It's no use, Humphrey.
But I swear to you,
I was in Barkley's Limited, buying
his lordship a pair of suspenders.
I can prove it by the man
who took me up in the elevator.
Humphrey, I accuse you
of the theft of my lady's necklace.
But there must be a mistake.
Humphrey is an old
and trusted family retainer,
been in the family for generations.
This man is not Humphrey,
but an imposter.
When he said "suspenders"
for "braces" and "elevator" for "lift",
I suspected he was an American.
Bravo, Cyril!
Accusations, just accusations.
I defy you to produce one ounce
of proof.
He asks for proof, Sir Wimbley.
I can prove beyond a shadow
of a doubt that you are the culprit.
And you expect a jury to believe that?
Then perhaps they'll believe this.
A check on your fingerprints
has just come back.
- From the laboratory?
- Absolutely.
And they match those of that
well-known murderer, Oliver Grimes.
All right. I am Oliver Grimes,
the well-known American murderer.
But you'll never take me alive.
Foiled, Mr. Grimes. For I am
Inspector Kirk, Scotland Yard.
Curses.
Unfortunately, I've been
something of a recluse.
And now I face the embarrassing
problem of impressing the young lady.
It's most difficult to explain.
What his lordship means is,
he's met an American girl
and he wants to impress her.
He's got a country place,
only the toffs won't come.
All you have to do is be upper-class
ladies and gents over the weekend.
- With a handsome fee, eh?
- Oh, yes, of course.
- And a good time for all.
- Yes.
It will be a pleasure
to help out his lordship.
I think I can speak for all of us.
Yeah, sounds like good fun.
Let's go.
- Except Humphrey, of course.
- Yeah, we don't want him...
Well, why "except Humphrey,
of course"?
- Your lordship, fellow thespians...
- No curtain speeches, please.
Your lordship,
some members of the cast
are jealous of my sterling portrayals.
I have played valets and gentlemen's
gentlemen from Chicago to Liverpool
and a slight to me is a blow
to all the great names of theater.
What did he say?
"Plenty to eat and drink,
a good fee and she's spoiling it all."
- Yes, precisely.
- Your ladyship,
I beseech that thou wouldst
grant me this opportunity.
I promise the greatest performance
of my career, if thou wouldst,
or myself a watery grave
in the Thames, if thou wouldn'tst.
- Wouldst?
- Yes, come on.
- Don't be upstage.
- Give him a chance.
Oh, very well,
but keep him away from me.
- At your service, milord.
- Good. Fine.
I'll send carriages for you.
I'm sure you'll enjoy it.
Thanks very much.
What polish. What finesse.
Gadzooks
I'm a butler
Who's really a butler
Aloof from my hoof to my blinkers
I look just as bored
As me master, the lord
As I'm serving
The blinking tea drinkers
You've heard of Humphrey
I'm that bloke
Favorite of the gentle folk
Here's how
Yes, milord
I'm your gentleman and valet
Blimey, hain't I blooming bally?
Here, now
Yes, milord
May I crumy your crumpets
In your tea?
Have a banana.
- Howdy.
- Oh, good afternoon, mum.
Aggie.
Good afternoon.
- Your wrap, mum?
- Yeah. Bought it in Chicago.
I'm the butler. May I?
- Thank you. Your cane?
- I think I'll keep it. It might rain.
His lordship waits in the garden.
Follow me, mum.
What class.
Wish we had something like that
at home.
Oh, Ma, somebody would shoot him
before we got him in the house.
Direct from America,
presenting Mrs. Floud and Miss Floud.
So good to see you.
- Hi, earl.
- And more than good to see you.
Come now, meet the family.
This is my mother, Lady Brinstead.
Flattered to meet you,
Lady Brinstead.
- Charmed.
- Do it, Aggie.
Charmed.
And my cousin Rosalind,
Duchess of Dover.
- Charmed.
- How do you do?
Aggie.
- Howdy, duchship.
- How do you do?
His lordship,
the 13th Earl of Brinstead, my father.
- You'd think there was gravy on it.
- Yes, yes. Father. Father!
Forgive Father's enthusiasm.
Told him all about you and that's
his way of showing his approval.
Did you hear that, Aggie?
The earl told his father all about you.
Somebody ought to tell his mother
all about his father.
I hope they find it relaxing here
at Brinstead Manor. Eh, Mother?
- Yes, indeed I do.
- Yes.
Milord? Please.
Cigarette.
Holder.
Light.
That's more service than our
hired man gives us in a month
back in Big Squaw.
Well, Humphrey anticipates
my every wish.
How often do you have to
wind him up?
Wind him up? Oh, wind him up.
Very funny. Jolly good.
- That'll be all. Thank you, Humphrey.
- Thank you.
Well, Mother?
I must compliment George
on his taste.
You know, most young American
tourists are so, so uncouth.
Ain't it the truth. Ain't it, Aggie?
Oh, yeah.
Let's get out of here.
Tennis, anyone?
How can you think of tennis
at a time like this?
Sorry. Thought it was my cue.
Cyril, you forget we have guests.
Mrs. Floud, Miss Floud,
my nephew, Lord Cyril.
How do you do?
- Aggie.
- What?
How do you do?
You'll have to forgive Cyril. Tennis
has become an obsession with him.
Yes.
- How about tea, Mother?
- Oh, of course, dear.
I'll ring.
Did you ring, mum?
I was about to, Humphrey.
Why didn't you wait till I rang?
Imbecile.
Ham.
You know, earl, this is the first time
I ever saw a real English butler.
I saw one in a play.
It was in Cheyenne.
We threw tomatoes at him.
And now we brew some tea.
- Which shall it be?
- What's the difference?
Rather fancy Indian tea is a vital
concoction during inclement weather.
Whereas the Chinese importation
screams with stimulation.
- What did he say?
- Oh, he said,
"Fancy Indian tea is a vital concoction
during inclement weather,
"while Chinese importation
has vital stimulation." Milady?
- That's telling her, Humphrey.
- Thank you.
A knife. Do you have a...? Oh, no.
May I?
This part's the strainer.
Freshly sliced lemon?
Two points.
- One lump or two?
- I'd love two,
but I've been eating so high up on
the hog lately I'd better just take one.
In that case, may I suggest...?
- May I slosh it around a bit, mum?
- Please do.
And so, teatime.
Would you...?
Spot of tea, milady?
Soaked to the skin again!
There's your big splash, Ma.
You shouldn't do that.
Haven't you got any sense at all?
Well, he told me to relax.
You stupid, blundering oaf.
I told you his performance...
- Mater, mater! Please!
- It's piping hot, mum.
How did you ever get to be
such an idiot?
Just early to bed, early to rise.
That's the answer.
Better do something with this.
Unfortunate occurrence
of an unpreventable nature.
Would highly recommend
a cold bath...
- Oh, shut up!
- Oh, no.
You, don't stand there.
Get out and do something.
- Yes, mum. I'll fetch some fresh tea.
- Oh, dear, look at me.
Oh, dear.
Come. I'll help you to change
right away.
Humphrey.
I've been looking for you.
- I wanna chew the fat.
- So soon after tea, mum?
- What do they pay you around here?
- Sufficient, mum.
How about sufficient
and then some?
Are you trying to lure me
from the service of his lordship?
- Exactly!
- Impossible!
I couldn't desert his lordship.
It wouldn't be cricket.
My family always buttled
for the Brinsteads.
My father, my father's father,
my father's father's father.
I could go farther.
More reason you should work for me.
You're in a rut.
Please, mum,
pursue the matter no further.
Even now, the ancestors
are beginning to scowl at me.
- Who's that?
- Great-grandfather, Lord Cedric.
Made a name for himself
in the army.
What's he reaching in his shirt for?
Holding up his trousers
from the inside.
Funny way to pose.
Much funnier if he removed
his hand, mum.
Listen, Humphrey, hanging around
these pictures ain't getting you nothing.
Here's my card.
Drop in my hotel and we'll work out
a deal. Double your salary.
Don't tempt me, mum.
I can resist anything but temptation.
I got a whim of iron, Humphrey.
When I want any...
Wow!
Wow, indeed, mum.
Great-great-grandmother,
splendid horsewoman.
- Did she always ride like that?
- Heavens to Betsy, no.
Lots of times she rode sidesaddle.
Back home in Big Squaw,
she'd be arrested.
She was. That's how she met
great-great-grandfather.
He was the magistrate.
Well, I'll have to carry on, mum.
Now, this hand rests
just lightly on the cue.
- Oh, lightly?
- Oh, yes, lightly.
Of course, this is a game
taught all over England.
Most popular sport.
Playing it or teaching it?
- You know, Agatha...
- What?
You're the most exciting person
I've ever met.
If I only knew the right words,
if I only knew what to do...
May I be of service, milord?
- Shortcut. Sherry, milady?
- Well, don't mind if I do.
- Sherry, milord?
- No, nothing for me, thank you.
- Scotch and soda, milord?
- Nothing at all.
- Scotch and water, milord?
- No.
- A soda and water, milord?
- Nothing at all.
Water and water?
- Scotch over ice, milord?
- Nothing.
Scotch over scotch?
- That will be all.
- Care to play musical glasses?
- They're fun.
- I don't want anything to drink.
Shall I draw the blinds, milord?
Draw your bath?
- Draw your picture?
- Look, Humphrey,
draw whatever you like,
but somewhere else.
- Somewhere else.
- Yes, milord.
Shall I chalk the mum's cue, milord?
Why don't we just give up
until he winds down.
Yes.
I'm terribly sorry.
Now, Agatha, as I was saying...
Announcing Sir Wimbley,
Mrs. Floud, Lady Rosalind...
You should've been with me, Aggie.
Earl's been telling me
all about something.
Oh, billiards!
May I serve the refreshments, mum?
Thank you.
- You know, Aggie...
- What?
I bet Humphrey would make
a gentleman out of your pa.
Take that home with us?
Ma, you got bats in your belfry?
I don't care. I'm gonna get
that Humphrey somehow.
- Oh, Ma.
- If Lady Maude would only fire him.
- Pa would feed him to the pigs.
- Shoot your pool.
- Punch, mum?
- I don't want any.
Well-spiked, mum.
A little punch, mum? Make you feel
fit as a tiddly and ready to wink.
Punch, milady?
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
You... You... Get out!
You're discharged.
You're fired. You're through!
And don't you ever come back.
Not tonight, tomorrow night or ever!
Now, get out!
- It was an accident, milord.
- Get out!
I know, get out. I know.
Big Squaw.
- Hiya, Mike.
- Hi.
- Howdy, Mr. Floud.
- Howdy.
Hey, Pa.
Now, look here, Cart.
You stop calling me "Pa"!
- What do you hear from Aggie?
- She's on her way home.
Hey, what's this here
"gentleman's gentleman"?
Same as a man's man.
Gentleman's gentleman.
Such a gentleman, even gentlemen
think he's a gentleman.
Well, he'd better not interfere
in my plans.
Aggie and me's getting married
as quick as she gets back.
- That's settled.
- Maybe it ain't settled with Aggie.
Ma wrote that some earl was making
goo-goo eyes at her.
And if that's him, you're in trouble.
You mean he's in trouble.
I'm gonna be meeting that train.
You won't need that clean shirt,
because the earl
ain't never gonna see it, Pa.
Don't call me Pa!
Ma, look. Cart Belknap.
Oh, it's rocky...
- Hi, Cart.
- Cheerio.
- Get away from my girl.
- Well...
- Oh, she just...
- Quiet, junior.
Cart, you let him alone!
Wait, we're going through a tunnel.
Nobody's marrying Aggie but me.
Please, no dancing in here. Please!
Cart!
- Please, we've never been introduced.
- Oh, Cart!
Only a coward hits a coward.
Cart!
- Go get him, Aggie!
- Oh, Ma, let him go.
Go get him!
You don't have to worry.
He jumped.
I hope he jumps
all the way back to England.
Well, you're gonna go get him.
I brought him this far in first-class
condition, ain't gonna lose him now.
I won't do it!
If I bring him back alive, you're
gonna have him riding herd on me.
Git!
Water.
Water!
Water. Water.
I'm going mad. Water! Water!
Mirage. The heat.
I'm going mad!
Water.
Water.
Seltzer. Water. Anything.
He must be drunk.
Buzzards.
Indians. Indians!
Hey, fancy pants!
What's the matter with you?
Have you gone loco?
No time to explain.
Here, hide behind there.
I'll bluff them. I'll defy them.
I'll run!
We'll die together.
What are you raving about,
you knucklehead?
Indians. Midget Indians!
- Howdy, Aggie.
- Need any help?
- No.
- What's the matter with him?
I think he snapped his twig.
Good thing they're your friends
or I'd have wiped them out.
Yeah, like you wiped out Cart Belknap.
Midget Indians.
Is that the blighter that tried
to shoot my toes off?
- What's he got against me?
- He wants to marry me.
I guess he got the silly idea
that you and me were spooning.
Can you imagine anything
so ridiculous?
Preposterous.
You're not even my type, mum.
Just the same, he'd kill any man
that got within hugging range of me.
In that case, I shall look forward
to a long and happy life, milady.
- Come on, fancy pants.
- Coming, mum.
- Come on, help me up.
- Yes, milady.
No! Not like that.
- Cup your hands like this.
- Oh, yes, milady.
That wasn't a very nice thing to do.
I should've given your muscles
more warning.
- Yes, milady.
- You're supposed to boost me up.
Boost. Boost.
Now, there you are.
Shall we take a canter, mum?
Mum? Mum?
Oh, now, what are you doing
down there?
I'm having tea with a groundhog.
What do you think?
I'm sorry, mum.
I was just...
- Shall we, then?
- Not that again.
- Get down on your hands and knees.
- Yes, mum.
We'll do it the blunt way.
- Are you aboard, mum?
- Yes.
- Now, give me your arm.
- Yes, mum.
Not that one, the other one.
- Now, jump up.
- Up. Coming up, mum.
Here we go, mum.
Wouldn't it be much simpler
to call a cab, mum?
I've got a better idea.
- Come on.
- Yes, mum.
When I was in the service
of the earl,
I never had to help his lordship
mount a horse.
One pulled on his boots in the morning
and off at night.
- There were no animals involved.
- Shut up.
- Get up on the rock.
- Yes, mum.
- Face the horse.
- The horse?
Take off your hat.
Effie!
Effie!
Effie!
Yeah? What are you hollering for?
What in the danged blazes
happened to all my clothes?
I burned them.
Every varmint-ridden stitch.
- Burned them?
- Yeah.
Humphrey's bought you
a new bunch of store clothes.
I don't want no store clothes...
Humphrey?
- Who's Humphrey?
- The butler.
Butler?
Yeah, the one
we brought back with us.
You said Aggie was looking
for the gentleman's gentleman.
- That's Humphrey, the butler.
- I thought...
You thought what?
- I just thought.
- I doubt it.
And another thing,
get that rickety old rocking chair
and that spittoon out of here
before he arrives.
Now, get at it.
Aggie.
- Aggie!
- Pa!
- Hi, Pa!
- Aggie, you're a sight for sore eyes.
Oh, Pa, I never seen nothing in Europe
that looks as good as you and home.
Hey, how come you're
so Sunday'd up on Tuesday?
Ma's taken to finery
like a hog takes to slop.
- Is he dead?
- No.
Fainted when I tapped him
with a little rock.
Now tap him with a big rock.
Say he fell off the horse.
- No, Ma would hold me responsible.
- I'm in a pack of trouble, Aggie.
- How come?
- I didn't know he was just a butler.
I told everybody in town he was a earl.
They're fixing to welcome him proper.
Gosh, when Ma finds out, what'll I do?
You won't have to do,
you're gonna be did to.
And all on account of him. Oh, please,
Aggie, just one tap with a rock.
Jiggers, here comes Ma.
I got him, Ma!
Oh, fine. I can just...
- Aggie, if he's broken, so help me...
- Take it easy. He's all right.
- He's very alive, for him.
- Get him down.
OK.
There must be another way
to see America.
What's the matter?
Can't you straighten up?
Something seems to be
out of order, mum.
We ought to put him
out of misery.
If we do, we'll have to bury him
in a bass drum.
Get him in the house!
I'm so glad you're all right, Humphrey.
With a few days' rest,
I'll be miserable again.
I want you to meet the help.
This is Wampum, our hired hand.
And this is Wong, the cook.
- Boys, meet Humphrey.
- Howdy do.
- How.
- Dee-do.
That over there is Mr. Floud.
- Hi.
- Hi, sir.
Now, let's get one thing straight,
Humphrey. I take care of myself.
- That's obvious.
- Now, you look...
Just a minute.
I give the orders around here.
Humphrey, you can begin right now,
lecturing Mr. Floud
on the proper way to act.
- Oh, well, really, Mrs. Floud, I...
- Humphrey.
Well, if I may suggest, sir,
there are ladies present.
- Ladies?
- He means me and Ma.
- Oh, sassafras.
- Now, get upstairs.
- I ain't going till I get me some duds.
- You ain't?
Shall I lay out some fresh things
for Mr. Floud?
We're gonna fill a tub full of
water and lay out Mr. Floud!
- What?
- Bath, mum?
Yes.
- Now, look here, Effie...
- Git!
- You too.
- Oh, but...
- Humphrey.
- Yes, mum...
- May I, sir?
- Yes, yes.
Delicious. Would you...?
I trust you're going to shave, sir.
You can trust one thing, Humphrey:
Nobody's given me no bath
since I was a baby.
Effie may fry my hide,
but any whippersnapper
that tries to give me a bath,
I'm gonna cut him
too short to hang up.
- That one turned gray in your hand.
- Now, you get out.
And keep your mouth shut.
What's the matter, Humphrey?
He desires to soak a bit, mum.
Well, while you're waiting,
you can fix Aggie's hair.
- Bring it in, mum, and I'll give it a go.
- No, Humphrey. Come to her room.
I want you to do her up
like a duchess.
Well, I haven't done up a duchess
for some time, mum, but I'll try.
Get at it.
May I?
What the Sam Hill
do you think you're doing?
- Humphrey's gonna fix your hair.
- I just fixed my hair.
He's gonna make you
look like a duchess.
- I don't wanna look like a duchess.
- Aggie!
Well, what's he know
about fixing a girl's hair?
What do I know?
For ten years, I was in
the employ of Gomez of Paris
as an expert on the coiffure.
- I don't believe it.
- You will after I coif your "fure."
Now, steady, steady.
I'll never forget
Lady Cunningham's hair.
She had me comb it in a huge bun.
It was very striking.
- How uninteresting.
- Yes.
Everywhere, people would say,
"There goes Lady Cunningham.
She's the one with the bun on."
They were quaint folk. Now...
I must do something inspirational,
something with a point.
An outstanding creation.
A monument to me.
I must have some equipment.
Is there a rat or two around here?
- Why don't you look in the mirror.
- Touch.
I must do something tall,
something statuesque.
No, not tall enough.
No.
Why...
...eureka.
Eureka, yes.
Magnifique.
My masterpiece.
I hope it's not molting season.
Milady. Don't look till I leave, milady.
I can't stand flattery.
Oh, you...
You...
Oh, you are tubbing, sir.
Take your underwear off.
It's not cold.
Oh, wait till I get my hands on you.
I tell you, I'll break your neck.
Oh, there you are.
Cheers. We wanted you
to see the final result.
- Humphrey, you've outdone yourself.
- I thought so.
- It's stunning.
- Yeah, it sure stunned me.
Perhaps I did tee the bird
a little high, but I'll brush it up later.
I'll think of something.
Maybe elaborate a little bit,
but I have to get
the curl out of my fingers.
- Good evening, your grace.
- How do you do?
- Greetings, your earlship.
- Ladies, all together.
Welcome to Big Squaw, your grace.
Your gra...?
I'm Jones, publisher
of the Daily Chronicle.
Welcome to Big Squaw, fastest
growing town west of Wagonwheel.
- How do you do?
- I'm Andrews, the undertaker.
Originally came West to dig for gold.
Yeah, well, no sense wasting a shovel.
Your grace, I want you
to meet my daughter.
- She's a little bit shy.
- Shy of what?
So good to see you all, my dears.
- Oh, Effie, you're so lucky.
- Congratulations.
- And your guest. Effie, what a prize.
- You mean Humphrey?
She called him Humphrey,
his first name, right to his face.
I knew Humphrey would
cause quite a splash,
but I had no idea it'd be like this.
Every woman would give anything
to be in your shoes.
Thank you, dear.
Effie, this is the biggest story
my paper ever had.
You've put Big Squaw on the map.
- What?
- Oh, don't tell me you haven't seen it.
"Mrs. Mike Floud announces
the Earl of Bri..."
"Earl of..."
This certainly makes you
queen of Big Squaw society.
- Me? Queen?
- Oh, it's silly, isn't it?
What his lordship means
is that it's silly to make all this fuss
over just a little old visit.
Isn't it, your lordship?
- Oh, but...
- Your collar.
I'll double your salary,
double everything.
Well, as Humphrey, Earl of Brinstead,
and on behalf of my hostess,
allow me to welcome you
to Floud Manor.
Oh, your lordship, it's two minutes
past your teatime.
- How can you endure it?
- Sheer grit.
Shall we tea off, then?
Your daughter looks just like
the Duchess Murdock.
- The duchess?
- Oh, many an afternoon we had tea,
the duchess and I, while her husband
was engaged in his favorite sport.
- Was that cricket?
- Perhaps not, but she was irresistible.
- Oh, this is a fun group, isn't it?
- Oh, it is.
Will you sit here, your lordship?
- Pa, everybody in town's down there...
- Yeah, I heard everything.
He was bad as a butler,
but there'll be no living,
now that everybody thinks he's
an earl. We've got to...
- What are you doing with that bird?
- That's what fancy pants did to me.
- Oh, shut up.
- Aggie...
- What?
- Humphrey's got to go.
- And I know what to do.
- You do?
- And Ma can't blame us for a thing.
- Good.
Belknap thinks something's
between Humphrey and me.
- Yeah?
- Suppose I let him keep thinking it?
Cart would cut out his liver and bile
his gizzard in his own sauce.
One order of biled gizzard coming up.
Oh, yes, I'm enjoying my jaunt
to America most frightfully.
How do American women
compare to English?
Oh, I think your American women
are much prettier.
How about your horses?
Oh, I think your American women
are even prettier than our horses.
Sorry we're late.
- Hi, everybody.
- Hello, Aggie.
- Aggie.
- What?
Haven't I asked you never to enter a
room without curtsying to Humphrey?
Yeah, Ma, I know.
Dear, dear earl, what would
Lady Maude say?
- No carnation in your buttonhole.
- I can't wear them.
It turns my medals green.
Share that.
- Please tell us about your medals.
- Yes, go ahead and tell them.
I've seen him in action.
He's cool as a tub of old bathwater.
Yeah. Some of the things he's done
make my hair stand on end.
Tell me some of your
experiences for my paper.
Oh, no, no, no, please!
His lordship's very tired.
- He's had such a busy day.
- Oh, not at all, not at all.
Now, let me see,
which medal shall I explain first?
Thank you. Well, I think it was
my first year of service out East.
It was my first year of service.
I was a mere lieutenant at the time.
Well, those native chaps
were becoming very nasty.
They'd been stirring up
unrest for weeks.
They meant to wipe us out.
But they were only waiting
for the end of the monsoon.
- Monsoon, that's French for mister.
- Exactly.
Those infernal drums started beating.
"The time to worry," he said,
"is when those infernal drums cease."
Those infernal drums ceased.
I worried.
But he was still
the bravest man out East.
Colonel Jothergill drew me aside.
"It's three against 1,000."
We had to have reinforcements.
- No man could get through.
- The earl was just a boy at the time.
Colonel Jothergill.
Called "Old Spit and Polish." He was
always spitting, and he was Polish.
Well, sir, old Colonel Jothergill
outlined his plan to me.
I volunteered to go ahead for aid.
It was a dangerous mission.
Behind us was a river,
dark and infested with crocodiles.
To the right a jungle,
full of hissing pythons.
And the earl hissed right back
at them, didn't you?
Yes.
To the left, a wall of high cliffs.
And ahead, the enemy.
Three against 1,000.
How horrible!
Exciting, though. Now the dawn was
coming up in the East.
Our spirits were going down
in the West.
Three against 1,000.
What chance did we have?
And as the sun rose, they attacked.
It would soon be over, we knew.
We shook hands all around,
doled out our last rations of food,
our last drops of water.
Our ammunition practically exhausted.
Then Colonel Jothergill told us
the worst of it.
"Stiff upper lip," he muttered.
"You'll have to face it, chaps."
There was no more tea.
They'd pay dearly for this.
We'd sell our lives at a fearful price.
How to stop them?
How to get out of it? How?
- How.
- How.
There was no more time.
We could hear their frightful howls.
There they were, storming the fort.
Hacking at us.
Screaming, spearing, slashing.
Breaking the British square.
Three against 1,000.
Three, mind you.
You're wonderful.
There I was, with a spear
right through my body.
- Didn't it hurt?
- Only when I laughed.
I drew the spear and started
to hack away.
Colonel Jothergill, who was hacking
away to my right, was hacked down.
Now I really got angry.
I drew my cutlass,
started to hew my way through them.
Slashing, slashing.
Heads, arms, legs, bodies!
There I was, drenched with blood.
Blood!
Drenched with blood, mind you.
Blood.
Well, Mr. Belknap.
Poor chap. Couldn't stand a gory story.
Well, excuse me. I always take a nap
before going to bed. If you...
But your lordship! What happened?
- How did it end?
- Oh, the encounter!
Well, we finally put them to route,
but we all agreed they were three of
the toughest rascals we'd ever fought.
Well, good night.
Good night, then.
What a performance.
Enter, then.
Get out of that bed and make tracks
for the Yellow Dog Saloon.
Them two varmints, Pa and Aggie,
is headed over there in buckskins.
- It's a revolt!
- But Effie,
one does not disturb an earl.
The earl is feeling very earlish
this morning.
Humphrey, in the Morning Chronicle
you may be an earl,
in front of my friends
you may be an earl,
but every payday you're Humphrey,
the butler.
- And your job is Pa and Aggie.
- Oh, but Mrs. Floud, I...
Humphrey.
Yes, mum.
Yes, mum.
Where's my hat?
Wore a high silk hat
And a long tailcoat
I looked just like O'Leary's goat
Singing ki yi yiyyi yayyi yay, yayyi yay
Singing ki yi yiyyi yayyi yay
It's bacon and beans
Most every day
I'd as soon be eating prairie hay
Singing ki yi yiyyi yayyi yay, yayyi yay
Singing ki yi yiyyi yayyi yay
My foot in the stirrups
Roye by the side
Show me a horse that I can't ride
Singing ki yi yiyyi yayyi yay, yayyi yay
Singing ki yi yiyyi yayyi yay
Pa, look who's here.
Boys, meet our boarder,
the Earl of Beerstein.
I'm begging your pardon, sir,
the Earl of Brinstead.
What's the difference?
Come on, boys, let's have a beer.
The mater's requested that you
both return to the manor.
What's wrong with our manners here?
Why, I shall personally escort you
both home, mum.
Oh, relax, earl.
Come on, let's talk it over.
Gotta wet our whistles first.
Let's have a beer here.
I'd like to stay, but we really
should be going.
- You know the madam.
- Oh, I sure do, Humphrey. I sure do.
Will she be madder because we lit out
this morning if we come home sober,
or will she get so mad if we
come with beer on our breath,
she'll forget how we lit out?
- Let's have a beer.
- It's too late...
Oh, never mind. Sam! Come on, Sam!
Hurry up with that beer!
By Jove, they're alive!
Jolly.
Sorry.
Thank you.
Here you are, earl.
Thank you.
Sorry.
Get Cart!
Hey!
Fancy pants
You're a pussyfooting critter
When you see a gal, you skitter
Hey, you!
Fancy pants
Oh, you dropped your pretty hankie
Mama's gonna spankie
Hey!
Fauntleroy
Women who crave men
Wanna love cavemen
Say, angel boy
Show some grit
That's what you gotta get
Hey!
Fancy pants
You're a highfalutin geezer
Afraid to take a gal and squeeze her
Hey, you!
Fancy pants
Run to mama for protection
How's your stamp collection?
Hey!
Pantywaist
Looking at us stomping and cussing
What you scared about?
Take a chance
If you're rooting and tooting
Folks will quit a-hooting
"There goes fancy pants"
Fancy pants.
Chaser.
Mind you, my throat was only slightly
cut from ear to ear,
but I had to hold my head because
the tissue was broken.
If I could only get back to the base,
I could recover in a fortnight.
Five days, you know.
Then it happened.
- What?
- In all Africa,
I've never come across
a more ferocious beast.
There it stood in the pitch-black night,
its immense size completely dwarfing
the elephant I was riding.
How could you tell how big it was?
The dark night made his
white coat stand out.
You see, when you...
Hello, Mr. Belknap.
Well, it's crumpet time.
I must be jogging along.
No, earl.
- I'd like to hear the rest.
- You better be careful, chap.
You know what happened last night.
Maybe this time I can take it.
Well, if you want to risk it.
Now, where was I?
You were looking at that big animal
in the dark.
I was? Oh, I was.
Yes, yes, yes.
Well, its white coat stood out.
Largest polar bear I've ever seen.
- Must have been...
- They don't belong in Africa.
That's what I kept telling him.
He kept coming.
I kept retreating, step by step.
What happened to that big elephant?
I sent him for help.
I think. Yes.
Well, there he was.
I stood there, unarmed,
except for a spear
an unfriendly native
left in my chest.
- But it only hurt when you laughed.
- Yes.
I withdrew the spear, staggered back,
weak from the loss of blood.
I was all blood. Dripping with blood!
Even the bear was bloody.
Aren't you feeling a little faint?
No.
Did I tell you the ground
was covered with blood?
I said that. Well, it's crumpet time.
I better be jogging...
You know what I would have done?
- Well, I...
- I'd have twisted his neck, like this!
What?
Then I'd have got him by the ears
and I'd have just yanked them off!
I wish you'd been there.
Then I'd have got a couple of hands
full of fur and I'd have pulled them off!
- Well...
- Pa, maybe we better stop Cart.
Oh, he's just getting warmed up.
I wish Humphrey would make a move
so Cart could let go.
Can't expect Humphrey
to face up to Cart.
- Then you know what I would do?
- Let me guess.
- All right, go ahead and guess.
- You'd have taken your trusty rifle
and you'd just let him have it like that.
Cheerio!
Pretty good, eh, Effie?
Oh, Mr. Mayor, it's so big it scares
the daylights out of me!
President Teddy Roosevelt!
He's making a swing through
the Western territory.
Wouldn't have touched Big Squaw,
but when I wired about the earl,
he wired right back he'd be delighted!
Land o' Goshen!
Of course, he can stay right here
with you, can't he?
Here? In my house?
I'd be tickled stiff!
Maybe if we treat him real nice,
he'll recommend Congress
change this territory into a state.
- Land's sakes!
- And Effie...
...you'd be queen of the state!
- Oh, mayor!
I gotta start organizing my committee.
Goodbye, Effie.
Congratulations, Aggie! Mike!
President Roosevelt's coming
here to see Humphrey!
Isn't that wonderful? Oh, Mike!
- What?
- I'd have swore
she said the president was coming.
That's what I did say.
Isn't it wonderful?
- Ma, have you been in the applejack?
- No, Mike, it's true!
What's he wanna see Humphrey for?
Because he thinks
Humphrey's the earl.
Where is Humphrey?
Humphrey?
Teddy Roosevelt, eh?
Well, I'll be hog-tied.
- Where is Humphrey?
- Go ahead, you tell her.
Well, the last time we saw him,
he was heading out of town.
- Out of town?
- Yeah, he was going...
All of a sudden
he got lonesome for London.
You two! I might have known
you'd do something like this!
- We did nothing!
- Get on your horse and get him!
- Don't come back without him!
- We might get in trouble.
We'll get in worse trouble
if we didn't have him. Now, git!
And you. Get out of them clothes!
Now, wait a minute. Take it easy.
I was going to.
Humphrey!
Wait!
Hey, fancy pants!
What is this, branding time? Leave me
alone. I wanna get out of here.
Well, I don't blame you.
Me and Pa were awful ugly.
Cart Belknap isn't exactly
a chamber-of-commerce welcome.
Go away. I was doing all right
on this until you came.
I didn't wanna come, Ma sent me.
- I knew you'd say no.
- Well, you knew right.
You know, it took a lot of nerve,
squirting water at Cart's face.
That's why I figured you could
meet President Roosevelt.
Yeah, well, I got the nerve to face
anybody. You don't think that I'm...
Who?
See, everybody in Big Squaw
thinks you're a real earl.
Teddy Roosevelt's coming
to town just to meet you.
So President Roosevelt's
coming to meet the Earl of Brinstead
and no earl.
Well, you're gonna look pretty silly.
Your ma and pa and this whole
silly little town are gonna look silly.
You'll have to change the name
to Big Silly.
Well, at that,
it might be worse if you stayed.
You might be able to make
country folks think you're an earl,
but I reckon President Roosevelt's
met some real earls.
Presidents can be fooled.
They vote for themselves, don't they?
- I made you think I was a butler.
- That's easy, you are.
Look, I've been waiting a long time to
take some bows for my performance.
I'm no earl. I'm no butler.
I'm not even Humphrey.
My name is Arthur Tyler
and I'm an actor.
- An actor? Gosh!
- If you'll get off my handcar, I'll leave.
Why did you pretend to be a butler?
I was stranded in London flat broke.
So flat they threw me out of the hotel
without opening the door.
I could make Roosevelt think I was
the Earl of Brinstead. But I won't.
If you're an actor,
we've got a chance.
If you're a good actor, this could
be the biggest job ever.
Imagine playing an English earl
for President Roosevelt
with me and Ma and Pa to applaud.
Yeah, and I'd be the star.
That's a step up.
And an audience of three.
That's a step up.
Sure, you put Big Squaw on the map,
you can't just wipe it off now.
A lot of innocent people
in town are depending on you.
Innocent. How about Cart Belknap?
Tell him we're nothing to each other
so he'd stop trying put my head
in his trophy room.
Sure, I'll tell him that we don't
mean anything to each other.
You'll be perfectly safe.
And then after the president leaves,
you can go away again.
Gee, President Roosevelt.
A command performance.
I accept this role,
but for a one-night stand only.
Then I must go on tour.
Anyplace, just so it's away.
Everybody's gonna be real grateful
to you for this.
And I mean everybody, Arthur.
Hang on!
Yes, President Roosevelt,
I'm the Earl of Brinstead.
Oh, wait until my agent
hears about this.
Here we go.
Oh, woe is me
What goes with me
I hate this living I've chose for me
Tired of meeting misery
Should've never roamed
And left that
Home cooking
Home cooking
Life is cruel
I was a fool to roam
A rolling stone don't get no moss
It don't get nothing but double-cross
See the world, that's apple sauce
Never get your nose too far from
Home cooking
Home cooking
I'm afraid I should've stayed at home
I meet a gal
Her name is Sal
I wanna keep her in my corral
But she says she's just a yal
And she's never home when you want
Home cooking
Home cooking
- It's been too long
- Life is cruel, I was a fool to roam
Too long from Hong Kong
Far from wigwam
Me heap big brave
I miss my squaw
I even miss my squaws-in-law
- Hunt with Minnehaha's ya
- Feed yayoose a half a moose
How? Home cooking
Give me that home cooking
Sit on rug and ugh, ugh, ugh with tribe
Give me Hong Kong, Hankow
Where I'm choy-choy
Number one boy
Shanghai, Foochow
Marry pretty girl Ming Toy for
Home cooking
Home cooking
Reckon Chinese fellow
Like home chow
I went abroad and how I hawed
Them English critters
Ain't never thawed
When a duke says, "Yes, milord"
Partner, you can hear me yell for
- Home cooking
- Pile it on
Home cooking
Some fancy pants might
stand a chance with me
- Blow them peace pipe smoke rings
- Rice cake, kumquat, plenty to spare
Real fine wingdings
Rocking in a rocking chair, that's
- Home cooking
- Sniff it, then
Home cooking
A quiet life is quite the life for me
- Yes, give me that home cooking
- Scoop it up
Home cooking
That's the life for me
- Jiggers, Ma! Here comes Ma!
- What happened?
- Ma!
- What?
Everyone's all right.
The president's coming to our house.
Dear boy.
Now, I do hope everybody's
got this straight.
The mayor and welcoming committee
will bring him here from the depot.
Out on the porch,
the Silver Cornet Band will be playing.
And Humphrey, you'll be waiting
upstairs with your monocle
and your full dress suit until that
fellow with the bugle plays "Ta-da".
- "Ta-da".
- And then you start downstairs.
Everybody cheers
till you get downstairs
and Pa introduces you
to Mr. Roosevelt.
- And you, Aggie.
- What?
If you forget to curtsy,
I'll bust your curtsier.
- All right.
- This party's coming off right
- or them responsible's gonna suffer.
- Yes, Ma.
- I'll get it, mum.
- I'll get it, I'll get it.
Gol darn it, quit calling me mum.
You're the Earl of Brinstead.
It's probably just Carrie
with her potato salad.
Humphrey, I just wanna tell you
it was mighty nice of you
to come back and be earl
after the way we treated you.
That's quite all right, old chap.
- You can call me Pa if you like.
- Oh, thanks, Pa.
What a season!
I do hope Carrie hasn't overloaded
her potato salad with onions again.
- All right, bring it in.
- How do you do? Mrs. Floud?
Fainted.
Put her in that chair.
- That's the trouble with surprise visits.
- That's right.
She'll be all right.
Oh, here, now. Here, now.
What's amiss, you chaps?
- What are you doing?
- She's fainted.
- Don't stand there, get some water.
- Certainly.
There's been
so much excitement.
The president's coming
and everybody's way up there.
Give her some brandy.
It's not very good, but it'll help.
I think...
Aggie! Pa! Pa! Aggie!
- What's the matter?
- What?
It's the president!
Welcome to Big Squaw,
Mr. President.
I'm Mike Floud.
This here's my daughter Aggie.
- How do you do?
- And this here's the Earl of Brinstead.
Oh, quite. And this is our hostess,
Mrs. Effie Floud.
- Wake up, Ma.
- I'm sorry, Mrs. Floud.
I dropped in so unexpectedly.
But we drove over from Broken Arrow.
I should've stayed
on the official train.
But I've listened to so many
welcoming speeches,
I was hoping to avoid
the one at your depot.
I hope you'll excuse our appearance.
We were out in the kitchen
just fixing things up for you.
Yes, even the earl.
He's good at cleaning and polishing.
Oh, yes, it's a matter
of your democracy, sir.
You know, when in Rome
and all that sort of thing.
Take the president to the parlor
till things get fixed up in the kitchen.
Please, let's not be formal,
Mrs. Floud.
I'd like to go out
in the kitchen with you.
- Could I?
- You mean it?
I make a steak sauce
that is very popular in Washington.
- You do?
- Extraordinary!
- Learned it in Paris.
- Paris cooking!
- Well, you're our man.
- He's the nicest president I ever met.
- Back to the kitchen, everybody!
- Delighted. Bully for you.
- And to think I almost voted for Bryan!
- I say, this is a ginger group, isn't it?
- There we are.
- Sure looks good, don't it?
- Give me some.
- I'm agog with anticipation.
- Wonderful!
- As you'd say, delicious!
- Thank you, thank you.
- It still needs more cooking sherry.
- Pa.
- Gee whiz, Ma.
I ain't had a drink since
I got bit by that rattler.
Yeah, and Pa's getting too old
to climb them hills.
- Agatha!
- Perhaps another dash wouldn't hurt.
Nonsense. Keep your nose
out of the president's recipe.
- In my opinion...
- Nobody's interested.
There was plenty of sherry
in your cooking before we married.
Why, Mike Floud!
Are you insinuating...
Ma, if you'd used stronger sherry,
I bet I'd be two years older.
You keep out of this!
And you, Mike Floud...
- Don't start that doggone argument.
- Mrs. Floud, Mr. Floud!
After all, the president
is on his vacation.
Do you want him to think
he's back with Congress?
Sorry, Mr. President.
I've heard discussions
like this in my own kitchen.
And I must say, my wife
has convinced me
that I have just as much right
to her opinion as she has.
Ain't it the truth.
You mean the first lady
has the last word.
Well put, Brinstead.
And now we melt a little butter.
The butter's right over here.
Isn't he wonderful?
Yeah, this whole earl business
makes me feel like a low-down...
- Oh, Brinstead.
- Coming, sir.
Tell me, Brinstead,
what is the attitude in England
regarding the
Mediterranean situation?
Oh, yes. Well, frankly, there are two
schools of thought: Pro and con.
Of course, but just how do they
feel about it, pro and con?
The pro people seem to be for it and
the con group are definitely against it.
Naturally.
But you personally, Brinstead,
- just what stand do you take?
- Oh, me? Yes, well, I'm pro.
Why, Brinstead.
How can you endorse a situation
that only leads to trouble?
Well, what I mean is, I'm pro-con. I'm
for those who are against it, you see.
He wasn't even on the train!
Me, a registered Democrat, waiting
at the station for a whole hour!
My speech all written out in longhand
too! And he never even show...
- Jumping Jehoshaphat, it's him!
- Where you going?
The committee's waiting
on the front porch!
Here we go.
Well, Brinstead, I guess we're in for it.
But at least we made a good try.
It was ripping while it lasted,
Mr. President. Shall we?
- Ma, where's my collar and tie?
- In the chafing dish.
Hurry up!
Mr. President,
as mayor of Big Squaw,
permit me to welcome you
to our fair city.
Oh, bravo, bravo!
Excellent oration. Brief but meaty.
- Thank you, Mr. Mayor. Thank you all.
- But Mr. President, there's more.
- That's all right. Mail it in later.
- Yes, everybody pitch into the food.
- Just move right around.
- It's free.
Aggie gets credit
for this venison, Mr. President.
She shot it
from over 200 yards away.
- Bully for you! That's good shooting.
- Thank you.
How do you do? If I had the time,
I'd like to do some hunting here.
Too bad. We have plenty of deer
around here and bear too.
Very tempting. But my schedule
calls for me to leave tonight.
- What we ought to have is a fox hunt.
- Oh, yes, they're fun. Sure.
I brought back some of the most
wonderful hunting outfits from London.
What a wonderful idea! I could've
arranged a wonderful fox hunt
that would've even been a pleasure for
the fox. Over hill and dale and away!
Tallyho and all that rot.
A shame you have to be going.
- I can't rearrange my train schedule.
- Of course you can't.
Too bad.
We would've talked of it for years.
- Yeah, a fox hunt.
- Bad show, disappointing the hounds.
By gad, we won't disappoint them,
Brinstead. We'll have a fox hunt.
Bennett!
We're staying over till tomorrow.
- See about the trains.
- Hurray for President Roosevelt!
- And Brinstead can lead the hunt.
- Hurray for the earl!
I might even start tonight.
Tallyho!
Come on, boy. Come on, boy.
Faster, boy! Come on, Old Paint.
We can catch that fox!
Giddyap, boy, giddyap.
Okay, hold it, boy.
Not bad.
Not bad barrel riding.
- Now we'll try the horse.
- A real live horse?
- An animal?
- Yeah. Here's old Bessie.
Oh, be careful.
Here's old Bessie.
Get on, get the feel of her.
Gentle as a kitten.
Look at those teeth.
Over 15 years old.
I wasn't afraid she'd bite me.
It's sitting on her I'm worried about.
But here goes.
- Lied about her age!
- Well, back to the barrel.
Aggie, let's face it. I can't go out
there riding in any fox hunt.
Playing an earl was easy,
but all I ever hunted was a job.
But you gotta ride.
The town's depending on you.
Let's say you convince me.
Who's convincing the horse?
I'll teach you to stick in the saddle
if we have to work all night.
No. I've tried, but I'm just
a living-room earl.
You'll have to get another
for that rough stuff.
I ain't asking you to try to ride
for Big Squaw or for Pa or Ma.
It's just for me.
Me? I mean, you?
The first time I saw you,
I said to myself:
"Here's a dirty, low-down,
lily-livered coyote."
Then as I got to know you better,
I figured you for a filthy, sneaking rat.
I grow on people like that.
But then again, you remind me of a
little chipmunk I had when I was a kid.
Only thing I ever loved.
Same look in the eyes you've got.
I'll never forget how he looked at me
just before he went West.
California?
Dead. Cart Belknap shot him.
Did you tell Cart Belknap that we
didn't mean a thing to each other?
Not yet, but I was fixing to.
Well, don't. Because I don't like
my women to be lying.
You mean you aren't running
out on us?
Let me back on that barrel.
Nothing's gonna stop me,
maybe not even a horse!
Would you give me help, please?
- Leg up.
- Yeah, leg up.
A little lower, please.
Just a little lower. Chin up.
That'll have to hold you
till I catch the fox.
Well...
Now, you hold fox good.
I put on gravy.
Gravy? What's that for?
Dogs not hunt fox before,
but dogs very much like gravy.
Hurray for the president!
Good morning. Good morning.
Oh, Mr. President, this is so thrilling!
Ain't it, everybody?
Yes, indeed. Bully idea, this fox hunt.
It may not be exactly like England, but
the fox will never know the difference.
- This horse is yours, Mr. President.
- Fine. Fine.
Tallyho! Pip-pip, everyone!
- Top of the morning.
- Morning, Brinstead.
- Splendid day for the hunt.
- Righto. Typical Devonshire weather.
Give a horse a man he can ride!
Well, where's Bessie?
- Here, Bess, here, Bess.
- Bessie's over here.
- I didn't recognize you. You have...
- Just a minute, your lordship.
Mr. President, I brought this pony from
my ranch, the best jumper around.
I'd be honored
if you'd ride him in the hunt.
Capital, sir, capital. Very nice of you.
I'd be delighted. Fine animal.
Fine animal.
But the earl is a guest of our country.
He should have the horse.
Oh, I wouldn't think of it.
After all, fox hunting is old hat for me.
I don't wanna deprive you
of the best jumper.
I figured that,
so I brought you one just as good.
- Oh, you didn't have to do that.
- Bully! In that case, then I'll accept.
- Change the saddle.
- Yes, bully, by all means.
- Now bring in the earl's horse.
- Yeah, bring...
- That's a horse?
- Why, that's Peaceful!
- "Peaceful." Nickname, huh?
- He just put four riders to rest.
Yeah, but they weren't masterful
horsemen like the earl.
He'll quiet down once
he knows that you're the boss.
Can't we tell him before that?
I don't want to appear ungrateful,
but I promised Bessie she could go
and I don't wanna disappoint her.
Would you rather disappoint
the president?
- Don't answer that.
- Let's get that saddle on him!
- What are we gonna do now?
- Well, you could break a leg.
I knew I could depend on you.
All ready for you, earl.
Come on, I'll give you a leg up.
Leg up, he says.
Little does he know.
Coming, old bean. Ta.
Oh, terribly sorry. Clumsy me.
Awkward leg up.
What happened?
- What is it?
- It's an old injury.
Got it playing rugby at Oxford.
Kept me off the crew.
I was a four-letter man.
I know. Well, we can't
have the hunt without you.
- I guess we'll have to call it off.
- Nothing of the sort. Tradition!
Oh, no, I'll be all right. Didn't sleep
last night just thinking of it.
Don't unsaddle Peaceful. Just bring
him over and have him kneel down.
Now, Brinstead, you mustn't try to ride.
You'll only aggravate that injury.
Oh, I'll suffer through, pres.
I'll be all right.
You can't ride. President's orders.
Oh, well, I guess I'm outvoted.
Rum luck.
First fox hunt
I ever remember missing.
I don't know how I'll explain it
down at the Hunt Club.
There it goes. Well, buzz off
without me, you lucky people.
Mount up, you all. Have fun.
I'll just sit here
until you and the pain go away.
Oh, too bad earl busty leggy.
Yeah.
And it's gonna get a lot worse.
Give me that gravy.
Mustn't keep the president waiting.
Pip-pip, cheerio.
Tally! Bring back the fox.
I'll make a neckpiece for you.
- Oh, you lovely knee.
- That's hard luck, earl.
- Wanna be real careful with this leg.
- That's all right.
- Any more injuries? How's this?
- Don't break that.
- It's the only one I have left.
- How's your chest?
- I'm fine.
- Any broken ribs?
- No, I'm all right.
- How's your back?
Oh, my back?
- Don't worry.
- That's nice of you.
That's all right. I'll be fine.
Trump the trumpets!
Unbox the fox!
Look at him go!
Must have a date with another fox.
Unbound the hounds!
Away!
Hey, they're looking for you.
Help! Murder! Police, dogs!
Help! Go away!
What am I, the fox?
Stool pigeon.
Must be a meat shortage!
Please help!
I wouldn't do this to a dog!
I'd throw you a bone,
but it's on my leg!
This is the first hunt I've ever ridden
where we lost the dogs.
Maybe we should go home, get some
guns and turn this into a bear hunt.
Don't think I'll have time.
Just barely be able to ride back
and say goodbye to my friend, the earl.
Couldn't we just buy some more dogs
and keep going?
Ma, we've already corralled
every animal that could bark.
I don't see what could've happened
to a whole mess of hungry hounds.
Come on.
Hey.
Hey!
One for the road?
For a man with a bad leg,
you ride pretty good.
Oh, well, when one is born
to the saddle, the hunt must go on.
- You don't say.
- Oh, yes.
In fact, the Brinstead coat of arms
is a pair of riding britches
- rampant on a field of blisters.
- That's very funny.
Now let's see you laugh your way
out of this, Mr. Tyler.
- Tyler. Who's Tyler?
- You are.
Here's your picture, Mr. Tyler.
I've been reading what they had to say
about you. Here you are:
"Arthur Tyler, an American
and an actor. But not a very good one."
Oh, yeah? Just a minute.
There's one here that says...
There's a... Look here. It says, "Arthur
Tyler gives a standout performance".
- Then you admit you are Arthur Tyler?
- Of course not.
Then what's this scrapbook
doing under your pillow?
I like to sleep with my head high.
I'm Humphrey, Earl of Brinstead, old
fellow. Pip-pip and all that hoity-toity.
And I'd like to take my scrapbook.
The president and this
town's gonna be real upset
when they find out how you and them
Flouds made fools out of them.
But Mr. Belknap. Surely you're
not gonna tell them about it.
Not so much for me, but for the
Flouds. They're such nice people.
- Especially Aggie.
- Yeah, that's right.
I wouldn't miss this
for a million bucks.
Well, here we go, Mr. Tyler.
Cheerio.
By the way, I'll put a real good finish
on this for you. Your funeral notice.
You can't do it. You're not going
out of here with that scrapbook!
Oh, no?
He found my scrapbook.
He knows I'm an actor.
Well, get out of there, quick!
I could've sworn that was Brinstead.
- Brinstead? Where?
- There.
Quick! Here comes the president.
Get out!
- Brinstead!
- Oh, Mr. Roosevelt!
I almost didn't make it.
I had to say goodbye, sir.
- What happened?
- I wanted to reach the train
before you left, but I fell down twice
every time I got up. Bad leg, sir.
You shouldn't have attempted it.
You ought to be in bed.
Don't worry about me. It was jolly
of you to stop off here in Big Squaw.
Splendid hunt. Wish I'd been there.
Perhaps we'll hunt together sometime
when you come across the pond.
So that's what happened
to our dogs.
Crazy dogs. Why did
they have to chase him here?
Listen, you and this whole town
ought to know what them Flouds
and that fake earl's trying
to put over on you.
- What are you talking about, Belknap?
- He's just a cheap little actor.
This is the most humiliating thing.
Why, I'm going right back to England...
He's a fake and that book
will prove it to you.
Why you... Give me that!
Accusations, just accusations!
If we get out of this alive,
nothing will ever come between us.
A kiss like that can kill a guy.
Hey, fancy pants!
No popcorn during my performance,
peasants.
January 6th, 1912.
William Howard Taft,
president of these United States,
signs an Enabling Act admitting
the territory of New Mexico
into the Union
as the 47th state.
From a far day in 1850,
the stubborn frontiersmen
of this great territory
asserted their rights to statehood.
This, then, is not the story
of how New Mexico won
its heartbreaking struggle
for admission.
Rather, it is an account of one of the
reasons the struggle took 62 years.
This, then, is the saga
of a lost cause
and one man who helped
to lose it.
His story begins
one summer's day in 1905
on a cricket field
just outside London.
The score is 76 for the gentlemen,
105 for the players.
Lynhaven makes ready
to deliver again to Mr. Fairwick.
A splendid blow.
Oh, I say, there.
- Aggie! Cut out that whistling.
- But Ma, he hit a homer.
Whistling ain't refined.
Now, you quit it
or I'll bang you over the head
with these.
Oh, I say, this is a bit thick, what?
Well, for my part, I find
the young lady rather intriguing.
Oh, you can't be serious,
Van-Basingwell.
Never seen anything quite so crude.
Dress, gaudy jewelry,
disgusting display of wealth.
Oh, indeed, yes.
And I made a point
of introducing myself.
- You don't say.
- Yes.
Name is Floud.
Mother is an American
nouveau riche,
determined to inflict culture
upon her daughter Agatha.
- Quite a pippin, huh, Twombley?
- Scarcely your cup of tea, George.
Oh, beyond a cup of tea, Twombley.
More substantial thinking needed
these impoverished days.
Beef and potatoes.
Oh, I say.
My word.
Indeed.
Look, Ma, we got ourselves
a souvenir.
You give them back their ball
this minute.
Hand it over.
I say!
- Is it broken?
- I don't think so.
- Can you continue?
- Of course.
- Stout fellow.
- Let's play.
- Now, keep out of the game, will you?
- The Flouds.
Oh, your lordship.
I'm glad to see you.
- Hi, earl.
- Hello. Mrs. Floud, Miss Floud,
allow me to introduce my friend
Lord Twombley.
- How's that?
- Twombley.
- Howdy, lordship.
- Charmed.
- Aggie.
- Glad to meet you.
- Charmed again.
- Well, earl, what do you know?
What do I know?
Well, not very much.
I stopped to ask if you couldn't drop in
at my country place for the weekend.
- Be glad to.
- Good, good.
I'd like you to meet my family.
- Delighted. Wouldn't we, Aggie?
- Oh, yeah, we're charmed.
Yes. Well, then
I'll send my carriage for you.
Be ready and waiting, your lordship.
- Good afternoon.
- So long.
Toodle-loo.
- Now we're getting somewhere.
- Yeah.
I wanna get somewhere
and loosen these corsets.
But George, you haven't got
a country place, nor a family.
- But Reggie has.
- Reggie?
Yes, Reggie, and he's in Africa.
And I know just where to dig up
a suitable family.
Tennis, anyone?
How can you think of tennis
at a time like this?
I say, what are we doing
at this beastly play?
I told you we needed suitable family
to impress the Americans.
Behold the mater.
Ring for Humphrey, Cyril.
My nerves scream for tea.
Of course.
Did you ring, mum?
Why didn't you wait till I rang,
you idiot?
Tea, mum?
I slitched.
I am soaked again,
you monster! Stop!
This piece will dry out like new.
It's pumpernickel.
Just needs pumping out.
- Blundering American idiot.
- Ought to go back to his native land.
If we could solve the disappearance
of Alicia's necklace.
I'm still not satisfied with Humphrey's
explanation of his whereabouts
- during the time of the crime.
- But I've already explained.
I was in the village
performing an errand
for his lordship and...
And if his lordship were here,
instead of away on a hunting trip,
- he would verify my statement.
- Indeed.
- Your lordship!
- You heard his story. What about it?
Amazing concoction of fabrication.
I never realized a trusted retainer
would turn out to be a scoundrel.
- He's lying, I tell you. Lying.
- It's no use, Humphrey.
But I swear to you,
I was in Barkley's Limited, buying
his lordship a pair of suspenders.
I can prove it by the man
who took me up in the elevator.
Humphrey, I accuse you
of the theft of my lady's necklace.
But there must be a mistake.
Humphrey is an old
and trusted family retainer,
been in the family for generations.
This man is not Humphrey,
but an imposter.
When he said "suspenders"
for "braces" and "elevator" for "lift",
I suspected he was an American.
Bravo, Cyril!
Accusations, just accusations.
I defy you to produce one ounce
of proof.
He asks for proof, Sir Wimbley.
I can prove beyond a shadow
of a doubt that you are the culprit.
And you expect a jury to believe that?
Then perhaps they'll believe this.
A check on your fingerprints
has just come back.
- From the laboratory?
- Absolutely.
And they match those of that
well-known murderer, Oliver Grimes.
All right. I am Oliver Grimes,
the well-known American murderer.
But you'll never take me alive.
Foiled, Mr. Grimes. For I am
Inspector Kirk, Scotland Yard.
Curses.
Unfortunately, I've been
something of a recluse.
And now I face the embarrassing
problem of impressing the young lady.
It's most difficult to explain.
What his lordship means is,
he's met an American girl
and he wants to impress her.
He's got a country place,
only the toffs won't come.
All you have to do is be upper-class
ladies and gents over the weekend.
- With a handsome fee, eh?
- Oh, yes, of course.
- And a good time for all.
- Yes.
It will be a pleasure
to help out his lordship.
I think I can speak for all of us.
Yeah, sounds like good fun.
Let's go.
- Except Humphrey, of course.
- Yeah, we don't want him...
Well, why "except Humphrey,
of course"?
- Your lordship, fellow thespians...
- No curtain speeches, please.
Your lordship,
some members of the cast
are jealous of my sterling portrayals.
I have played valets and gentlemen's
gentlemen from Chicago to Liverpool
and a slight to me is a blow
to all the great names of theater.
What did he say?
"Plenty to eat and drink,
a good fee and she's spoiling it all."
- Yes, precisely.
- Your ladyship,
I beseech that thou wouldst
grant me this opportunity.
I promise the greatest performance
of my career, if thou wouldst,
or myself a watery grave
in the Thames, if thou wouldn'tst.
- Wouldst?
- Yes, come on.
- Don't be upstage.
- Give him a chance.
Oh, very well,
but keep him away from me.
- At your service, milord.
- Good. Fine.
I'll send carriages for you.
I'm sure you'll enjoy it.
Thanks very much.
What polish. What finesse.
Gadzooks
I'm a butler
Who's really a butler
Aloof from my hoof to my blinkers
I look just as bored
As me master, the lord
As I'm serving
The blinking tea drinkers
You've heard of Humphrey
I'm that bloke
Favorite of the gentle folk
Here's how
Yes, milord
I'm your gentleman and valet
Blimey, hain't I blooming bally?
Here, now
Yes, milord
May I crumy your crumpets
In your tea?
Have a banana.
- Howdy.
- Oh, good afternoon, mum.
Aggie.
Good afternoon.
- Your wrap, mum?
- Yeah. Bought it in Chicago.
I'm the butler. May I?
- Thank you. Your cane?
- I think I'll keep it. It might rain.
His lordship waits in the garden.
Follow me, mum.
What class.
Wish we had something like that
at home.
Oh, Ma, somebody would shoot him
before we got him in the house.
Direct from America,
presenting Mrs. Floud and Miss Floud.
So good to see you.
- Hi, earl.
- And more than good to see you.
Come now, meet the family.
This is my mother, Lady Brinstead.
Flattered to meet you,
Lady Brinstead.
- Charmed.
- Do it, Aggie.
Charmed.
And my cousin Rosalind,
Duchess of Dover.
- Charmed.
- How do you do?
Aggie.
- Howdy, duchship.
- How do you do?
His lordship,
the 13th Earl of Brinstead, my father.
- You'd think there was gravy on it.
- Yes, yes. Father. Father!
Forgive Father's enthusiasm.
Told him all about you and that's
his way of showing his approval.
Did you hear that, Aggie?
The earl told his father all about you.
Somebody ought to tell his mother
all about his father.
I hope they find it relaxing here
at Brinstead Manor. Eh, Mother?
- Yes, indeed I do.
- Yes.
Milord? Please.
Cigarette.
Holder.
Light.
That's more service than our
hired man gives us in a month
back in Big Squaw.
Well, Humphrey anticipates
my every wish.
How often do you have to
wind him up?
Wind him up? Oh, wind him up.
Very funny. Jolly good.
- That'll be all. Thank you, Humphrey.
- Thank you.
Well, Mother?
I must compliment George
on his taste.
You know, most young American
tourists are so, so uncouth.
Ain't it the truth. Ain't it, Aggie?
Oh, yeah.
Let's get out of here.
Tennis, anyone?
How can you think of tennis
at a time like this?
Sorry. Thought it was my cue.
Cyril, you forget we have guests.
Mrs. Floud, Miss Floud,
my nephew, Lord Cyril.
How do you do?
- Aggie.
- What?
How do you do?
You'll have to forgive Cyril. Tennis
has become an obsession with him.
Yes.
- How about tea, Mother?
- Oh, of course, dear.
I'll ring.
Did you ring, mum?
I was about to, Humphrey.
Why didn't you wait till I rang?
Imbecile.
Ham.
You know, earl, this is the first time
I ever saw a real English butler.
I saw one in a play.
It was in Cheyenne.
We threw tomatoes at him.
And now we brew some tea.
- Which shall it be?
- What's the difference?
Rather fancy Indian tea is a vital
concoction during inclement weather.
Whereas the Chinese importation
screams with stimulation.
- What did he say?
- Oh, he said,
"Fancy Indian tea is a vital concoction
during inclement weather,
"while Chinese importation
has vital stimulation." Milady?
- That's telling her, Humphrey.
- Thank you.
A knife. Do you have a...? Oh, no.
May I?
This part's the strainer.
Freshly sliced lemon?
Two points.
- One lump or two?
- I'd love two,
but I've been eating so high up on
the hog lately I'd better just take one.
In that case, may I suggest...?
- May I slosh it around a bit, mum?
- Please do.
And so, teatime.
Would you...?
Spot of tea, milady?
Soaked to the skin again!
There's your big splash, Ma.
You shouldn't do that.
Haven't you got any sense at all?
Well, he told me to relax.
You stupid, blundering oaf.
I told you his performance...
- Mater, mater! Please!
- It's piping hot, mum.
How did you ever get to be
such an idiot?
Just early to bed, early to rise.
That's the answer.
Better do something with this.
Unfortunate occurrence
of an unpreventable nature.
Would highly recommend
a cold bath...
- Oh, shut up!
- Oh, no.
You, don't stand there.
Get out and do something.
- Yes, mum. I'll fetch some fresh tea.
- Oh, dear, look at me.
Oh, dear.
Come. I'll help you to change
right away.
Humphrey.
I've been looking for you.
- I wanna chew the fat.
- So soon after tea, mum?
- What do they pay you around here?
- Sufficient, mum.
How about sufficient
and then some?
Are you trying to lure me
from the service of his lordship?
- Exactly!
- Impossible!
I couldn't desert his lordship.
It wouldn't be cricket.
My family always buttled
for the Brinsteads.
My father, my father's father,
my father's father's father.
I could go farther.
More reason you should work for me.
You're in a rut.
Please, mum,
pursue the matter no further.
Even now, the ancestors
are beginning to scowl at me.
- Who's that?
- Great-grandfather, Lord Cedric.
Made a name for himself
in the army.
What's he reaching in his shirt for?
Holding up his trousers
from the inside.
Funny way to pose.
Much funnier if he removed
his hand, mum.
Listen, Humphrey, hanging around
these pictures ain't getting you nothing.
Here's my card.
Drop in my hotel and we'll work out
a deal. Double your salary.
Don't tempt me, mum.
I can resist anything but temptation.
I got a whim of iron, Humphrey.
When I want any...
Wow!
Wow, indeed, mum.
Great-great-grandmother,
splendid horsewoman.
- Did she always ride like that?
- Heavens to Betsy, no.
Lots of times she rode sidesaddle.
Back home in Big Squaw,
she'd be arrested.
She was. That's how she met
great-great-grandfather.
He was the magistrate.
Well, I'll have to carry on, mum.
Now, this hand rests
just lightly on the cue.
- Oh, lightly?
- Oh, yes, lightly.
Of course, this is a game
taught all over England.
Most popular sport.
Playing it or teaching it?
- You know, Agatha...
- What?
You're the most exciting person
I've ever met.
If I only knew the right words,
if I only knew what to do...
May I be of service, milord?
- Shortcut. Sherry, milady?
- Well, don't mind if I do.
- Sherry, milord?
- No, nothing for me, thank you.
- Scotch and soda, milord?
- Nothing at all.
- Scotch and water, milord?
- No.
- A soda and water, milord?
- Nothing at all.
Water and water?
- Scotch over ice, milord?
- Nothing.
Scotch over scotch?
- That will be all.
- Care to play musical glasses?
- They're fun.
- I don't want anything to drink.
Shall I draw the blinds, milord?
Draw your bath?
- Draw your picture?
- Look, Humphrey,
draw whatever you like,
but somewhere else.
- Somewhere else.
- Yes, milord.
Shall I chalk the mum's cue, milord?
Why don't we just give up
until he winds down.
Yes.
I'm terribly sorry.
Now, Agatha, as I was saying...
Announcing Sir Wimbley,
Mrs. Floud, Lady Rosalind...
You should've been with me, Aggie.
Earl's been telling me
all about something.
Oh, billiards!
May I serve the refreshments, mum?
Thank you.
- You know, Aggie...
- What?
I bet Humphrey would make
a gentleman out of your pa.
Take that home with us?
Ma, you got bats in your belfry?
I don't care. I'm gonna get
that Humphrey somehow.
- Oh, Ma.
- If Lady Maude would only fire him.
- Pa would feed him to the pigs.
- Shoot your pool.
- Punch, mum?
- I don't want any.
Well-spiked, mum.
A little punch, mum? Make you feel
fit as a tiddly and ready to wink.
Punch, milady?
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
You... You... Get out!
You're discharged.
You're fired. You're through!
And don't you ever come back.
Not tonight, tomorrow night or ever!
Now, get out!
- It was an accident, milord.
- Get out!
I know, get out. I know.
Big Squaw.
- Hiya, Mike.
- Hi.
- Howdy, Mr. Floud.
- Howdy.
Hey, Pa.
Now, look here, Cart.
You stop calling me "Pa"!
- What do you hear from Aggie?
- She's on her way home.
Hey, what's this here
"gentleman's gentleman"?
Same as a man's man.
Gentleman's gentleman.
Such a gentleman, even gentlemen
think he's a gentleman.
Well, he'd better not interfere
in my plans.
Aggie and me's getting married
as quick as she gets back.
- That's settled.
- Maybe it ain't settled with Aggie.
Ma wrote that some earl was making
goo-goo eyes at her.
And if that's him, you're in trouble.
You mean he's in trouble.
I'm gonna be meeting that train.
You won't need that clean shirt,
because the earl
ain't never gonna see it, Pa.
Don't call me Pa!
Ma, look. Cart Belknap.
Oh, it's rocky...
- Hi, Cart.
- Cheerio.
- Get away from my girl.
- Well...
- Oh, she just...
- Quiet, junior.
Cart, you let him alone!
Wait, we're going through a tunnel.
Nobody's marrying Aggie but me.
Please, no dancing in here. Please!
Cart!
- Please, we've never been introduced.
- Oh, Cart!
Only a coward hits a coward.
Cart!
- Go get him, Aggie!
- Oh, Ma, let him go.
Go get him!
You don't have to worry.
He jumped.
I hope he jumps
all the way back to England.
Well, you're gonna go get him.
I brought him this far in first-class
condition, ain't gonna lose him now.
I won't do it!
If I bring him back alive, you're
gonna have him riding herd on me.
Git!
Water.
Water!
Water. Water.
I'm going mad. Water! Water!
Mirage. The heat.
I'm going mad!
Water.
Water.
Seltzer. Water. Anything.
He must be drunk.
Buzzards.
Indians. Indians!
Hey, fancy pants!
What's the matter with you?
Have you gone loco?
No time to explain.
Here, hide behind there.
I'll bluff them. I'll defy them.
I'll run!
We'll die together.
What are you raving about,
you knucklehead?
Indians. Midget Indians!
- Howdy, Aggie.
- Need any help?
- No.
- What's the matter with him?
I think he snapped his twig.
Good thing they're your friends
or I'd have wiped them out.
Yeah, like you wiped out Cart Belknap.
Midget Indians.
Is that the blighter that tried
to shoot my toes off?
- What's he got against me?
- He wants to marry me.
I guess he got the silly idea
that you and me were spooning.
Can you imagine anything
so ridiculous?
Preposterous.
You're not even my type, mum.
Just the same, he'd kill any man
that got within hugging range of me.
In that case, I shall look forward
to a long and happy life, milady.
- Come on, fancy pants.
- Coming, mum.
- Come on, help me up.
- Yes, milady.
No! Not like that.
- Cup your hands like this.
- Oh, yes, milady.
That wasn't a very nice thing to do.
I should've given your muscles
more warning.
- Yes, milady.
- You're supposed to boost me up.
Boost. Boost.
Now, there you are.
Shall we take a canter, mum?
Mum? Mum?
Oh, now, what are you doing
down there?
I'm having tea with a groundhog.
What do you think?
I'm sorry, mum.
I was just...
- Shall we, then?
- Not that again.
- Get down on your hands and knees.
- Yes, mum.
We'll do it the blunt way.
- Are you aboard, mum?
- Yes.
- Now, give me your arm.
- Yes, mum.
Not that one, the other one.
- Now, jump up.
- Up. Coming up, mum.
Here we go, mum.
Wouldn't it be much simpler
to call a cab, mum?
I've got a better idea.
- Come on.
- Yes, mum.
When I was in the service
of the earl,
I never had to help his lordship
mount a horse.
One pulled on his boots in the morning
and off at night.
- There were no animals involved.
- Shut up.
- Get up on the rock.
- Yes, mum.
- Face the horse.
- The horse?
Take off your hat.
Effie!
Effie!
Effie!
Yeah? What are you hollering for?
What in the danged blazes
happened to all my clothes?
I burned them.
Every varmint-ridden stitch.
- Burned them?
- Yeah.
Humphrey's bought you
a new bunch of store clothes.
I don't want no store clothes...
Humphrey?
- Who's Humphrey?
- The butler.
Butler?
Yeah, the one
we brought back with us.
You said Aggie was looking
for the gentleman's gentleman.
- That's Humphrey, the butler.
- I thought...
You thought what?
- I just thought.
- I doubt it.
And another thing,
get that rickety old rocking chair
and that spittoon out of here
before he arrives.
Now, get at it.
Aggie.
- Aggie!
- Pa!
- Hi, Pa!
- Aggie, you're a sight for sore eyes.
Oh, Pa, I never seen nothing in Europe
that looks as good as you and home.
Hey, how come you're
so Sunday'd up on Tuesday?
Ma's taken to finery
like a hog takes to slop.
- Is he dead?
- No.
Fainted when I tapped him
with a little rock.
Now tap him with a big rock.
Say he fell off the horse.
- No, Ma would hold me responsible.
- I'm in a pack of trouble, Aggie.
- How come?
- I didn't know he was just a butler.
I told everybody in town he was a earl.
They're fixing to welcome him proper.
Gosh, when Ma finds out, what'll I do?
You won't have to do,
you're gonna be did to.
And all on account of him. Oh, please,
Aggie, just one tap with a rock.
Jiggers, here comes Ma.
I got him, Ma!
Oh, fine. I can just...
- Aggie, if he's broken, so help me...
- Take it easy. He's all right.
- He's very alive, for him.
- Get him down.
OK.
There must be another way
to see America.
What's the matter?
Can't you straighten up?
Something seems to be
out of order, mum.
We ought to put him
out of misery.
If we do, we'll have to bury him
in a bass drum.
Get him in the house!
I'm so glad you're all right, Humphrey.
With a few days' rest,
I'll be miserable again.
I want you to meet the help.
This is Wampum, our hired hand.
And this is Wong, the cook.
- Boys, meet Humphrey.
- Howdy do.
- How.
- Dee-do.
That over there is Mr. Floud.
- Hi.
- Hi, sir.
Now, let's get one thing straight,
Humphrey. I take care of myself.
- That's obvious.
- Now, you look...
Just a minute.
I give the orders around here.
Humphrey, you can begin right now,
lecturing Mr. Floud
on the proper way to act.
- Oh, well, really, Mrs. Floud, I...
- Humphrey.
Well, if I may suggest, sir,
there are ladies present.
- Ladies?
- He means me and Ma.
- Oh, sassafras.
- Now, get upstairs.
- I ain't going till I get me some duds.
- You ain't?
Shall I lay out some fresh things
for Mr. Floud?
We're gonna fill a tub full of
water and lay out Mr. Floud!
- What?
- Bath, mum?
Yes.
- Now, look here, Effie...
- Git!
- You too.
- Oh, but...
- Humphrey.
- Yes, mum...
- May I, sir?
- Yes, yes.
Delicious. Would you...?
I trust you're going to shave, sir.
You can trust one thing, Humphrey:
Nobody's given me no bath
since I was a baby.
Effie may fry my hide,
but any whippersnapper
that tries to give me a bath,
I'm gonna cut him
too short to hang up.
- That one turned gray in your hand.
- Now, you get out.
And keep your mouth shut.
What's the matter, Humphrey?
He desires to soak a bit, mum.
Well, while you're waiting,
you can fix Aggie's hair.
- Bring it in, mum, and I'll give it a go.
- No, Humphrey. Come to her room.
I want you to do her up
like a duchess.
Well, I haven't done up a duchess
for some time, mum, but I'll try.
Get at it.
May I?
What the Sam Hill
do you think you're doing?
- Humphrey's gonna fix your hair.
- I just fixed my hair.
He's gonna make you
look like a duchess.
- I don't wanna look like a duchess.
- Aggie!
Well, what's he know
about fixing a girl's hair?
What do I know?
For ten years, I was in
the employ of Gomez of Paris
as an expert on the coiffure.
- I don't believe it.
- You will after I coif your "fure."
Now, steady, steady.
I'll never forget
Lady Cunningham's hair.
She had me comb it in a huge bun.
It was very striking.
- How uninteresting.
- Yes.
Everywhere, people would say,
"There goes Lady Cunningham.
She's the one with the bun on."
They were quaint folk. Now...
I must do something inspirational,
something with a point.
An outstanding creation.
A monument to me.
I must have some equipment.
Is there a rat or two around here?
- Why don't you look in the mirror.
- Touch.
I must do something tall,
something statuesque.
No, not tall enough.
No.
Why...
...eureka.
Eureka, yes.
Magnifique.
My masterpiece.
I hope it's not molting season.
Milady. Don't look till I leave, milady.
I can't stand flattery.
Oh, you...
You...
Oh, you are tubbing, sir.
Take your underwear off.
It's not cold.
Oh, wait till I get my hands on you.
I tell you, I'll break your neck.
Oh, there you are.
Cheers. We wanted you
to see the final result.
- Humphrey, you've outdone yourself.
- I thought so.
- It's stunning.
- Yeah, it sure stunned me.
Perhaps I did tee the bird
a little high, but I'll brush it up later.
I'll think of something.
Maybe elaborate a little bit,
but I have to get
the curl out of my fingers.
- Good evening, your grace.
- How do you do?
- Greetings, your earlship.
- Ladies, all together.
Welcome to Big Squaw, your grace.
Your gra...?
I'm Jones, publisher
of the Daily Chronicle.
Welcome to Big Squaw, fastest
growing town west of Wagonwheel.
- How do you do?
- I'm Andrews, the undertaker.
Originally came West to dig for gold.
Yeah, well, no sense wasting a shovel.
Your grace, I want you
to meet my daughter.
- She's a little bit shy.
- Shy of what?
So good to see you all, my dears.
- Oh, Effie, you're so lucky.
- Congratulations.
- And your guest. Effie, what a prize.
- You mean Humphrey?
She called him Humphrey,
his first name, right to his face.
I knew Humphrey would
cause quite a splash,
but I had no idea it'd be like this.
Every woman would give anything
to be in your shoes.
Thank you, dear.
Effie, this is the biggest story
my paper ever had.
You've put Big Squaw on the map.
- What?
- Oh, don't tell me you haven't seen it.
"Mrs. Mike Floud announces
the Earl of Bri..."
"Earl of..."
This certainly makes you
queen of Big Squaw society.
- Me? Queen?
- Oh, it's silly, isn't it?
What his lordship means
is that it's silly to make all this fuss
over just a little old visit.
Isn't it, your lordship?
- Oh, but...
- Your collar.
I'll double your salary,
double everything.
Well, as Humphrey, Earl of Brinstead,
and on behalf of my hostess,
allow me to welcome you
to Floud Manor.
Oh, your lordship, it's two minutes
past your teatime.
- How can you endure it?
- Sheer grit.
Shall we tea off, then?
Your daughter looks just like
the Duchess Murdock.
- The duchess?
- Oh, many an afternoon we had tea,
the duchess and I, while her husband
was engaged in his favorite sport.
- Was that cricket?
- Perhaps not, but she was irresistible.
- Oh, this is a fun group, isn't it?
- Oh, it is.
Will you sit here, your lordship?
- Pa, everybody in town's down there...
- Yeah, I heard everything.
He was bad as a butler,
but there'll be no living,
now that everybody thinks he's
an earl. We've got to...
- What are you doing with that bird?
- That's what fancy pants did to me.
- Oh, shut up.
- Aggie...
- What?
- Humphrey's got to go.
- And I know what to do.
- You do?
- And Ma can't blame us for a thing.
- Good.
Belknap thinks something's
between Humphrey and me.
- Yeah?
- Suppose I let him keep thinking it?
Cart would cut out his liver and bile
his gizzard in his own sauce.
One order of biled gizzard coming up.
Oh, yes, I'm enjoying my jaunt
to America most frightfully.
How do American women
compare to English?
Oh, I think your American women
are much prettier.
How about your horses?
Oh, I think your American women
are even prettier than our horses.
Sorry we're late.
- Hi, everybody.
- Hello, Aggie.
- Aggie.
- What?
Haven't I asked you never to enter a
room without curtsying to Humphrey?
Yeah, Ma, I know.
Dear, dear earl, what would
Lady Maude say?
- No carnation in your buttonhole.
- I can't wear them.
It turns my medals green.
Share that.
- Please tell us about your medals.
- Yes, go ahead and tell them.
I've seen him in action.
He's cool as a tub of old bathwater.
Yeah. Some of the things he's done
make my hair stand on end.
Tell me some of your
experiences for my paper.
Oh, no, no, no, please!
His lordship's very tired.
- He's had such a busy day.
- Oh, not at all, not at all.
Now, let me see,
which medal shall I explain first?
Thank you. Well, I think it was
my first year of service out East.
It was my first year of service.
I was a mere lieutenant at the time.
Well, those native chaps
were becoming very nasty.
They'd been stirring up
unrest for weeks.
They meant to wipe us out.
But they were only waiting
for the end of the monsoon.
- Monsoon, that's French for mister.
- Exactly.
Those infernal drums started beating.
"The time to worry," he said,
"is when those infernal drums cease."
Those infernal drums ceased.
I worried.
But he was still
the bravest man out East.
Colonel Jothergill drew me aside.
"It's three against 1,000."
We had to have reinforcements.
- No man could get through.
- The earl was just a boy at the time.
Colonel Jothergill.
Called "Old Spit and Polish." He was
always spitting, and he was Polish.
Well, sir, old Colonel Jothergill
outlined his plan to me.
I volunteered to go ahead for aid.
It was a dangerous mission.
Behind us was a river,
dark and infested with crocodiles.
To the right a jungle,
full of hissing pythons.
And the earl hissed right back
at them, didn't you?
Yes.
To the left, a wall of high cliffs.
And ahead, the enemy.
Three against 1,000.
How horrible!
Exciting, though. Now the dawn was
coming up in the East.
Our spirits were going down
in the West.
Three against 1,000.
What chance did we have?
And as the sun rose, they attacked.
It would soon be over, we knew.
We shook hands all around,
doled out our last rations of food,
our last drops of water.
Our ammunition practically exhausted.
Then Colonel Jothergill told us
the worst of it.
"Stiff upper lip," he muttered.
"You'll have to face it, chaps."
There was no more tea.
They'd pay dearly for this.
We'd sell our lives at a fearful price.
How to stop them?
How to get out of it? How?
- How.
- How.
There was no more time.
We could hear their frightful howls.
There they were, storming the fort.
Hacking at us.
Screaming, spearing, slashing.
Breaking the British square.
Three against 1,000.
Three, mind you.
You're wonderful.
There I was, with a spear
right through my body.
- Didn't it hurt?
- Only when I laughed.
I drew the spear and started
to hack away.
Colonel Jothergill, who was hacking
away to my right, was hacked down.
Now I really got angry.
I drew my cutlass,
started to hew my way through them.
Slashing, slashing.
Heads, arms, legs, bodies!
There I was, drenched with blood.
Blood!
Drenched with blood, mind you.
Blood.
Well, Mr. Belknap.
Poor chap. Couldn't stand a gory story.
Well, excuse me. I always take a nap
before going to bed. If you...
But your lordship! What happened?
- How did it end?
- Oh, the encounter!
Well, we finally put them to route,
but we all agreed they were three of
the toughest rascals we'd ever fought.
Well, good night.
Good night, then.
What a performance.
Enter, then.
Get out of that bed and make tracks
for the Yellow Dog Saloon.
Them two varmints, Pa and Aggie,
is headed over there in buckskins.
- It's a revolt!
- But Effie,
one does not disturb an earl.
The earl is feeling very earlish
this morning.
Humphrey, in the Morning Chronicle
you may be an earl,
in front of my friends
you may be an earl,
but every payday you're Humphrey,
the butler.
- And your job is Pa and Aggie.
- Oh, but Mrs. Floud, I...
Humphrey.
Yes, mum.
Yes, mum.
Where's my hat?
Wore a high silk hat
And a long tailcoat
I looked just like O'Leary's goat
Singing ki yi yiyyi yayyi yay, yayyi yay
Singing ki yi yiyyi yayyi yay
It's bacon and beans
Most every day
I'd as soon be eating prairie hay
Singing ki yi yiyyi yayyi yay, yayyi yay
Singing ki yi yiyyi yayyi yay
My foot in the stirrups
Roye by the side
Show me a horse that I can't ride
Singing ki yi yiyyi yayyi yay, yayyi yay
Singing ki yi yiyyi yayyi yay
Pa, look who's here.
Boys, meet our boarder,
the Earl of Beerstein.
I'm begging your pardon, sir,
the Earl of Brinstead.
What's the difference?
Come on, boys, let's have a beer.
The mater's requested that you
both return to the manor.
What's wrong with our manners here?
Why, I shall personally escort you
both home, mum.
Oh, relax, earl.
Come on, let's talk it over.
Gotta wet our whistles first.
Let's have a beer here.
I'd like to stay, but we really
should be going.
- You know the madam.
- Oh, I sure do, Humphrey. I sure do.
Will she be madder because we lit out
this morning if we come home sober,
or will she get so mad if we
come with beer on our breath,
she'll forget how we lit out?
- Let's have a beer.
- It's too late...
Oh, never mind. Sam! Come on, Sam!
Hurry up with that beer!
By Jove, they're alive!
Jolly.
Sorry.
Thank you.
Here you are, earl.
Thank you.
Sorry.
Get Cart!
Hey!
Fancy pants
You're a pussyfooting critter
When you see a gal, you skitter
Hey, you!
Fancy pants
Oh, you dropped your pretty hankie
Mama's gonna spankie
Hey!
Fauntleroy
Women who crave men
Wanna love cavemen
Say, angel boy
Show some grit
That's what you gotta get
Hey!
Fancy pants
You're a highfalutin geezer
Afraid to take a gal and squeeze her
Hey, you!
Fancy pants
Run to mama for protection
How's your stamp collection?
Hey!
Pantywaist
Looking at us stomping and cussing
What you scared about?
Take a chance
If you're rooting and tooting
Folks will quit a-hooting
"There goes fancy pants"
Fancy pants.
Chaser.
Mind you, my throat was only slightly
cut from ear to ear,
but I had to hold my head because
the tissue was broken.
If I could only get back to the base,
I could recover in a fortnight.
Five days, you know.
Then it happened.
- What?
- In all Africa,
I've never come across
a more ferocious beast.
There it stood in the pitch-black night,
its immense size completely dwarfing
the elephant I was riding.
How could you tell how big it was?
The dark night made his
white coat stand out.
You see, when you...
Hello, Mr. Belknap.
Well, it's crumpet time.
I must be jogging along.
No, earl.
- I'd like to hear the rest.
- You better be careful, chap.
You know what happened last night.
Maybe this time I can take it.
Well, if you want to risk it.
Now, where was I?
You were looking at that big animal
in the dark.
I was? Oh, I was.
Yes, yes, yes.
Well, its white coat stood out.
Largest polar bear I've ever seen.
- Must have been...
- They don't belong in Africa.
That's what I kept telling him.
He kept coming.
I kept retreating, step by step.
What happened to that big elephant?
I sent him for help.
I think. Yes.
Well, there he was.
I stood there, unarmed,
except for a spear
an unfriendly native
left in my chest.
- But it only hurt when you laughed.
- Yes.
I withdrew the spear, staggered back,
weak from the loss of blood.
I was all blood. Dripping with blood!
Even the bear was bloody.
Aren't you feeling a little faint?
No.
Did I tell you the ground
was covered with blood?
I said that. Well, it's crumpet time.
I better be jogging...
You know what I would have done?
- Well, I...
- I'd have twisted his neck, like this!
What?
Then I'd have got him by the ears
and I'd have just yanked them off!
I wish you'd been there.
Then I'd have got a couple of hands
full of fur and I'd have pulled them off!
- Well...
- Pa, maybe we better stop Cart.
Oh, he's just getting warmed up.
I wish Humphrey would make a move
so Cart could let go.
Can't expect Humphrey
to face up to Cart.
- Then you know what I would do?
- Let me guess.
- All right, go ahead and guess.
- You'd have taken your trusty rifle
and you'd just let him have it like that.
Cheerio!
Pretty good, eh, Effie?
Oh, Mr. Mayor, it's so big it scares
the daylights out of me!
President Teddy Roosevelt!
He's making a swing through
the Western territory.
Wouldn't have touched Big Squaw,
but when I wired about the earl,
he wired right back he'd be delighted!
Land o' Goshen!
Of course, he can stay right here
with you, can't he?
Here? In my house?
I'd be tickled stiff!
Maybe if we treat him real nice,
he'll recommend Congress
change this territory into a state.
- Land's sakes!
- And Effie...
...you'd be queen of the state!
- Oh, mayor!
I gotta start organizing my committee.
Goodbye, Effie.
Congratulations, Aggie! Mike!
President Roosevelt's coming
here to see Humphrey!
Isn't that wonderful? Oh, Mike!
- What?
- I'd have swore
she said the president was coming.
That's what I did say.
Isn't it wonderful?
- Ma, have you been in the applejack?
- No, Mike, it's true!
What's he wanna see Humphrey for?
Because he thinks
Humphrey's the earl.
Where is Humphrey?
Humphrey?
Teddy Roosevelt, eh?
Well, I'll be hog-tied.
- Where is Humphrey?
- Go ahead, you tell her.
Well, the last time we saw him,
he was heading out of town.
- Out of town?
- Yeah, he was going...
All of a sudden
he got lonesome for London.
You two! I might have known
you'd do something like this!
- We did nothing!
- Get on your horse and get him!
- Don't come back without him!
- We might get in trouble.
We'll get in worse trouble
if we didn't have him. Now, git!
And you. Get out of them clothes!
Now, wait a minute. Take it easy.
I was going to.
Humphrey!
Wait!
Hey, fancy pants!
What is this, branding time? Leave me
alone. I wanna get out of here.
Well, I don't blame you.
Me and Pa were awful ugly.
Cart Belknap isn't exactly
a chamber-of-commerce welcome.
Go away. I was doing all right
on this until you came.
I didn't wanna come, Ma sent me.
- I knew you'd say no.
- Well, you knew right.
You know, it took a lot of nerve,
squirting water at Cart's face.
That's why I figured you could
meet President Roosevelt.
Yeah, well, I got the nerve to face
anybody. You don't think that I'm...
Who?
See, everybody in Big Squaw
thinks you're a real earl.
Teddy Roosevelt's coming
to town just to meet you.
So President Roosevelt's
coming to meet the Earl of Brinstead
and no earl.
Well, you're gonna look pretty silly.
Your ma and pa and this whole
silly little town are gonna look silly.
You'll have to change the name
to Big Silly.
Well, at that,
it might be worse if you stayed.
You might be able to make
country folks think you're an earl,
but I reckon President Roosevelt's
met some real earls.
Presidents can be fooled.
They vote for themselves, don't they?
- I made you think I was a butler.
- That's easy, you are.
Look, I've been waiting a long time to
take some bows for my performance.
I'm no earl. I'm no butler.
I'm not even Humphrey.
My name is Arthur Tyler
and I'm an actor.
- An actor? Gosh!
- If you'll get off my handcar, I'll leave.
Why did you pretend to be a butler?
I was stranded in London flat broke.
So flat they threw me out of the hotel
without opening the door.
I could make Roosevelt think I was
the Earl of Brinstead. But I won't.
If you're an actor,
we've got a chance.
If you're a good actor, this could
be the biggest job ever.
Imagine playing an English earl
for President Roosevelt
with me and Ma and Pa to applaud.
Yeah, and I'd be the star.
That's a step up.
And an audience of three.
That's a step up.
Sure, you put Big Squaw on the map,
you can't just wipe it off now.
A lot of innocent people
in town are depending on you.
Innocent. How about Cart Belknap?
Tell him we're nothing to each other
so he'd stop trying put my head
in his trophy room.
Sure, I'll tell him that we don't
mean anything to each other.
You'll be perfectly safe.
And then after the president leaves,
you can go away again.
Gee, President Roosevelt.
A command performance.
I accept this role,
but for a one-night stand only.
Then I must go on tour.
Anyplace, just so it's away.
Everybody's gonna be real grateful
to you for this.
And I mean everybody, Arthur.
Hang on!
Yes, President Roosevelt,
I'm the Earl of Brinstead.
Oh, wait until my agent
hears about this.
Here we go.
Oh, woe is me
What goes with me
I hate this living I've chose for me
Tired of meeting misery
Should've never roamed
And left that
Home cooking
Home cooking
Life is cruel
I was a fool to roam
A rolling stone don't get no moss
It don't get nothing but double-cross
See the world, that's apple sauce
Never get your nose too far from
Home cooking
Home cooking
I'm afraid I should've stayed at home
I meet a gal
Her name is Sal
I wanna keep her in my corral
But she says she's just a yal
And she's never home when you want
Home cooking
Home cooking
- It's been too long
- Life is cruel, I was a fool to roam
Too long from Hong Kong
Far from wigwam
Me heap big brave
I miss my squaw
I even miss my squaws-in-law
- Hunt with Minnehaha's ya
- Feed yayoose a half a moose
How? Home cooking
Give me that home cooking
Sit on rug and ugh, ugh, ugh with tribe
Give me Hong Kong, Hankow
Where I'm choy-choy
Number one boy
Shanghai, Foochow
Marry pretty girl Ming Toy for
Home cooking
Home cooking
Reckon Chinese fellow
Like home chow
I went abroad and how I hawed
Them English critters
Ain't never thawed
When a duke says, "Yes, milord"
Partner, you can hear me yell for
- Home cooking
- Pile it on
Home cooking
Some fancy pants might
stand a chance with me
- Blow them peace pipe smoke rings
- Rice cake, kumquat, plenty to spare
Real fine wingdings
Rocking in a rocking chair, that's
- Home cooking
- Sniff it, then
Home cooking
A quiet life is quite the life for me
- Yes, give me that home cooking
- Scoop it up
Home cooking
That's the life for me
- Jiggers, Ma! Here comes Ma!
- What happened?
- Ma!
- What?
Everyone's all right.
The president's coming to our house.
Dear boy.
Now, I do hope everybody's
got this straight.
The mayor and welcoming committee
will bring him here from the depot.
Out on the porch,
the Silver Cornet Band will be playing.
And Humphrey, you'll be waiting
upstairs with your monocle
and your full dress suit until that
fellow with the bugle plays "Ta-da".
- "Ta-da".
- And then you start downstairs.
Everybody cheers
till you get downstairs
and Pa introduces you
to Mr. Roosevelt.
- And you, Aggie.
- What?
If you forget to curtsy,
I'll bust your curtsier.
- All right.
- This party's coming off right
- or them responsible's gonna suffer.
- Yes, Ma.
- I'll get it, mum.
- I'll get it, I'll get it.
Gol darn it, quit calling me mum.
You're the Earl of Brinstead.
It's probably just Carrie
with her potato salad.
Humphrey, I just wanna tell you
it was mighty nice of you
to come back and be earl
after the way we treated you.
That's quite all right, old chap.
- You can call me Pa if you like.
- Oh, thanks, Pa.
What a season!
I do hope Carrie hasn't overloaded
her potato salad with onions again.
- All right, bring it in.
- How do you do? Mrs. Floud?
Fainted.
Put her in that chair.
- That's the trouble with surprise visits.
- That's right.
She'll be all right.
Oh, here, now. Here, now.
What's amiss, you chaps?
- What are you doing?
- She's fainted.
- Don't stand there, get some water.
- Certainly.
There's been
so much excitement.
The president's coming
and everybody's way up there.
Give her some brandy.
It's not very good, but it'll help.
I think...
Aggie! Pa! Pa! Aggie!
- What's the matter?
- What?
It's the president!
Welcome to Big Squaw,
Mr. President.
I'm Mike Floud.
This here's my daughter Aggie.
- How do you do?
- And this here's the Earl of Brinstead.
Oh, quite. And this is our hostess,
Mrs. Effie Floud.
- Wake up, Ma.
- I'm sorry, Mrs. Floud.
I dropped in so unexpectedly.
But we drove over from Broken Arrow.
I should've stayed
on the official train.
But I've listened to so many
welcoming speeches,
I was hoping to avoid
the one at your depot.
I hope you'll excuse our appearance.
We were out in the kitchen
just fixing things up for you.
Yes, even the earl.
He's good at cleaning and polishing.
Oh, yes, it's a matter
of your democracy, sir.
You know, when in Rome
and all that sort of thing.
Take the president to the parlor
till things get fixed up in the kitchen.
Please, let's not be formal,
Mrs. Floud.
I'd like to go out
in the kitchen with you.
- Could I?
- You mean it?
I make a steak sauce
that is very popular in Washington.
- You do?
- Extraordinary!
- Learned it in Paris.
- Paris cooking!
- Well, you're our man.
- He's the nicest president I ever met.
- Back to the kitchen, everybody!
- Delighted. Bully for you.
- And to think I almost voted for Bryan!
- I say, this is a ginger group, isn't it?
- There we are.
- Sure looks good, don't it?
- Give me some.
- I'm agog with anticipation.
- Wonderful!
- As you'd say, delicious!
- Thank you, thank you.
- It still needs more cooking sherry.
- Pa.
- Gee whiz, Ma.
I ain't had a drink since
I got bit by that rattler.
Yeah, and Pa's getting too old
to climb them hills.
- Agatha!
- Perhaps another dash wouldn't hurt.
Nonsense. Keep your nose
out of the president's recipe.
- In my opinion...
- Nobody's interested.
There was plenty of sherry
in your cooking before we married.
Why, Mike Floud!
Are you insinuating...
Ma, if you'd used stronger sherry,
I bet I'd be two years older.
You keep out of this!
And you, Mike Floud...
- Don't start that doggone argument.
- Mrs. Floud, Mr. Floud!
After all, the president
is on his vacation.
Do you want him to think
he's back with Congress?
Sorry, Mr. President.
I've heard discussions
like this in my own kitchen.
And I must say, my wife
has convinced me
that I have just as much right
to her opinion as she has.
Ain't it the truth.
You mean the first lady
has the last word.
Well put, Brinstead.
And now we melt a little butter.
The butter's right over here.
Isn't he wonderful?
Yeah, this whole earl business
makes me feel like a low-down...
- Oh, Brinstead.
- Coming, sir.
Tell me, Brinstead,
what is the attitude in England
regarding the
Mediterranean situation?
Oh, yes. Well, frankly, there are two
schools of thought: Pro and con.
Of course, but just how do they
feel about it, pro and con?
The pro people seem to be for it and
the con group are definitely against it.
Naturally.
But you personally, Brinstead,
- just what stand do you take?
- Oh, me? Yes, well, I'm pro.
Why, Brinstead.
How can you endorse a situation
that only leads to trouble?
Well, what I mean is, I'm pro-con. I'm
for those who are against it, you see.
He wasn't even on the train!
Me, a registered Democrat, waiting
at the station for a whole hour!
My speech all written out in longhand
too! And he never even show...
- Jumping Jehoshaphat, it's him!
- Where you going?
The committee's waiting
on the front porch!
Here we go.
Well, Brinstead, I guess we're in for it.
But at least we made a good try.
It was ripping while it lasted,
Mr. President. Shall we?
- Ma, where's my collar and tie?
- In the chafing dish.
Hurry up!
Mr. President,
as mayor of Big Squaw,
permit me to welcome you
to our fair city.
Oh, bravo, bravo!
Excellent oration. Brief but meaty.
- Thank you, Mr. Mayor. Thank you all.
- But Mr. President, there's more.
- That's all right. Mail it in later.
- Yes, everybody pitch into the food.
- Just move right around.
- It's free.
Aggie gets credit
for this venison, Mr. President.
She shot it
from over 200 yards away.
- Bully for you! That's good shooting.
- Thank you.
How do you do? If I had the time,
I'd like to do some hunting here.
Too bad. We have plenty of deer
around here and bear too.
Very tempting. But my schedule
calls for me to leave tonight.
- What we ought to have is a fox hunt.
- Oh, yes, they're fun. Sure.
I brought back some of the most
wonderful hunting outfits from London.
What a wonderful idea! I could've
arranged a wonderful fox hunt
that would've even been a pleasure for
the fox. Over hill and dale and away!
Tallyho and all that rot.
A shame you have to be going.
- I can't rearrange my train schedule.
- Of course you can't.
Too bad.
We would've talked of it for years.
- Yeah, a fox hunt.
- Bad show, disappointing the hounds.
By gad, we won't disappoint them,
Brinstead. We'll have a fox hunt.
Bennett!
We're staying over till tomorrow.
- See about the trains.
- Hurray for President Roosevelt!
- And Brinstead can lead the hunt.
- Hurray for the earl!
I might even start tonight.
Tallyho!
Come on, boy. Come on, boy.
Faster, boy! Come on, Old Paint.
We can catch that fox!
Giddyap, boy, giddyap.
Okay, hold it, boy.
Not bad.
Not bad barrel riding.
- Now we'll try the horse.
- A real live horse?
- An animal?
- Yeah. Here's old Bessie.
Oh, be careful.
Here's old Bessie.
Get on, get the feel of her.
Gentle as a kitten.
Look at those teeth.
Over 15 years old.
I wasn't afraid she'd bite me.
It's sitting on her I'm worried about.
But here goes.
- Lied about her age!
- Well, back to the barrel.
Aggie, let's face it. I can't go out
there riding in any fox hunt.
Playing an earl was easy,
but all I ever hunted was a job.
But you gotta ride.
The town's depending on you.
Let's say you convince me.
Who's convincing the horse?
I'll teach you to stick in the saddle
if we have to work all night.
No. I've tried, but I'm just
a living-room earl.
You'll have to get another
for that rough stuff.
I ain't asking you to try to ride
for Big Squaw or for Pa or Ma.
It's just for me.
Me? I mean, you?
The first time I saw you,
I said to myself:
"Here's a dirty, low-down,
lily-livered coyote."
Then as I got to know you better,
I figured you for a filthy, sneaking rat.
I grow on people like that.
But then again, you remind me of a
little chipmunk I had when I was a kid.
Only thing I ever loved.
Same look in the eyes you've got.
I'll never forget how he looked at me
just before he went West.
California?
Dead. Cart Belknap shot him.
Did you tell Cart Belknap that we
didn't mean a thing to each other?
Not yet, but I was fixing to.
Well, don't. Because I don't like
my women to be lying.
You mean you aren't running
out on us?
Let me back on that barrel.
Nothing's gonna stop me,
maybe not even a horse!
Would you give me help, please?
- Leg up.
- Yeah, leg up.
A little lower, please.
Just a little lower. Chin up.
That'll have to hold you
till I catch the fox.
Well...
Now, you hold fox good.
I put on gravy.
Gravy? What's that for?
Dogs not hunt fox before,
but dogs very much like gravy.
Hurray for the president!
Good morning. Good morning.
Oh, Mr. President, this is so thrilling!
Ain't it, everybody?
Yes, indeed. Bully idea, this fox hunt.
It may not be exactly like England, but
the fox will never know the difference.
- This horse is yours, Mr. President.
- Fine. Fine.
Tallyho! Pip-pip, everyone!
- Top of the morning.
- Morning, Brinstead.
- Splendid day for the hunt.
- Righto. Typical Devonshire weather.
Give a horse a man he can ride!
Well, where's Bessie?
- Here, Bess, here, Bess.
- Bessie's over here.
- I didn't recognize you. You have...
- Just a minute, your lordship.
Mr. President, I brought this pony from
my ranch, the best jumper around.
I'd be honored
if you'd ride him in the hunt.
Capital, sir, capital. Very nice of you.
I'd be delighted. Fine animal.
Fine animal.
But the earl is a guest of our country.
He should have the horse.
Oh, I wouldn't think of it.
After all, fox hunting is old hat for me.
I don't wanna deprive you
of the best jumper.
I figured that,
so I brought you one just as good.
- Oh, you didn't have to do that.
- Bully! In that case, then I'll accept.
- Change the saddle.
- Yes, bully, by all means.
- Now bring in the earl's horse.
- Yeah, bring...
- That's a horse?
- Why, that's Peaceful!
- "Peaceful." Nickname, huh?
- He just put four riders to rest.
Yeah, but they weren't masterful
horsemen like the earl.
He'll quiet down once
he knows that you're the boss.
Can't we tell him before that?
I don't want to appear ungrateful,
but I promised Bessie she could go
and I don't wanna disappoint her.
Would you rather disappoint
the president?
- Don't answer that.
- Let's get that saddle on him!
- What are we gonna do now?
- Well, you could break a leg.
I knew I could depend on you.
All ready for you, earl.
Come on, I'll give you a leg up.
Leg up, he says.
Little does he know.
Coming, old bean. Ta.
Oh, terribly sorry. Clumsy me.
Awkward leg up.
What happened?
- What is it?
- It's an old injury.
Got it playing rugby at Oxford.
Kept me off the crew.
I was a four-letter man.
I know. Well, we can't
have the hunt without you.
- I guess we'll have to call it off.
- Nothing of the sort. Tradition!
Oh, no, I'll be all right. Didn't sleep
last night just thinking of it.
Don't unsaddle Peaceful. Just bring
him over and have him kneel down.
Now, Brinstead, you mustn't try to ride.
You'll only aggravate that injury.
Oh, I'll suffer through, pres.
I'll be all right.
You can't ride. President's orders.
Oh, well, I guess I'm outvoted.
Rum luck.
First fox hunt
I ever remember missing.
I don't know how I'll explain it
down at the Hunt Club.
There it goes. Well, buzz off
without me, you lucky people.
Mount up, you all. Have fun.
I'll just sit here
until you and the pain go away.
Oh, too bad earl busty leggy.
Yeah.
And it's gonna get a lot worse.
Give me that gravy.
Mustn't keep the president waiting.
Pip-pip, cheerio.
Tally! Bring back the fox.
I'll make a neckpiece for you.
- Oh, you lovely knee.
- That's hard luck, earl.
- Wanna be real careful with this leg.
- That's all right.
- Any more injuries? How's this?
- Don't break that.
- It's the only one I have left.
- How's your chest?
- I'm fine.
- Any broken ribs?
- No, I'm all right.
- How's your back?
Oh, my back?
- Don't worry.
- That's nice of you.
That's all right. I'll be fine.
Trump the trumpets!
Unbox the fox!
Look at him go!
Must have a date with another fox.
Unbound the hounds!
Away!
Hey, they're looking for you.
Help! Murder! Police, dogs!
Help! Go away!
What am I, the fox?
Stool pigeon.
Must be a meat shortage!
Please help!
I wouldn't do this to a dog!
I'd throw you a bone,
but it's on my leg!
This is the first hunt I've ever ridden
where we lost the dogs.
Maybe we should go home, get some
guns and turn this into a bear hunt.
Don't think I'll have time.
Just barely be able to ride back
and say goodbye to my friend, the earl.
Couldn't we just buy some more dogs
and keep going?
Ma, we've already corralled
every animal that could bark.
I don't see what could've happened
to a whole mess of hungry hounds.
Come on.
Hey.
Hey!
One for the road?
For a man with a bad leg,
you ride pretty good.
Oh, well, when one is born
to the saddle, the hunt must go on.
- You don't say.
- Oh, yes.
In fact, the Brinstead coat of arms
is a pair of riding britches
- rampant on a field of blisters.
- That's very funny.
Now let's see you laugh your way
out of this, Mr. Tyler.
- Tyler. Who's Tyler?
- You are.
Here's your picture, Mr. Tyler.
I've been reading what they had to say
about you. Here you are:
"Arthur Tyler, an American
and an actor. But not a very good one."
Oh, yeah? Just a minute.
There's one here that says...
There's a... Look here. It says, "Arthur
Tyler gives a standout performance".
- Then you admit you are Arthur Tyler?
- Of course not.
Then what's this scrapbook
doing under your pillow?
I like to sleep with my head high.
I'm Humphrey, Earl of Brinstead, old
fellow. Pip-pip and all that hoity-toity.
And I'd like to take my scrapbook.
The president and this
town's gonna be real upset
when they find out how you and them
Flouds made fools out of them.
But Mr. Belknap. Surely you're
not gonna tell them about it.
Not so much for me, but for the
Flouds. They're such nice people.
- Especially Aggie.
- Yeah, that's right.
I wouldn't miss this
for a million bucks.
Well, here we go, Mr. Tyler.
Cheerio.
By the way, I'll put a real good finish
on this for you. Your funeral notice.
You can't do it. You're not going
out of here with that scrapbook!
Oh, no?
He found my scrapbook.
He knows I'm an actor.
Well, get out of there, quick!
I could've sworn that was Brinstead.
- Brinstead? Where?
- There.
Quick! Here comes the president.
Get out!
- Brinstead!
- Oh, Mr. Roosevelt!
I almost didn't make it.
I had to say goodbye, sir.
- What happened?
- I wanted to reach the train
before you left, but I fell down twice
every time I got up. Bad leg, sir.
You shouldn't have attempted it.
You ought to be in bed.
Don't worry about me. It was jolly
of you to stop off here in Big Squaw.
Splendid hunt. Wish I'd been there.
Perhaps we'll hunt together sometime
when you come across the pond.
So that's what happened
to our dogs.
Crazy dogs. Why did
they have to chase him here?
Listen, you and this whole town
ought to know what them Flouds
and that fake earl's trying
to put over on you.
- What are you talking about, Belknap?
- He's just a cheap little actor.
This is the most humiliating thing.
Why, I'm going right back to England...
He's a fake and that book
will prove it to you.
Why you... Give me that!
Accusations, just accusations!
If we get out of this alive,
nothing will ever come between us.
A kiss like that can kill a guy.