Fat Albert (2004) Movie Script

Hey, hey, hey!
It's Fa-a-a-a-t Albert!
Hey, hey, hey!
Hey, hey, hey!
Doris. Wait up.
Some of the kids are going
for an ice cream before practice.
Want to go?
I, uh, forgot my track shoes.
I have to go back home and get them.
- Oh.
- Hi, Lauri.
Hi, Heather. Hi, Becky.
Hey, Lauri, you know, like,
what I told you about tonight?
Uh, yeah.
- So, you coming?
- Sure.
Hey, listen.
We're all goin'after school.
You're going to that party with me.
I don't think so.
Look, it's okay.
- No big deal.
- Doris, why are you acting
like such a loser?
You're not a loser.
- What's up, baby?
- Reggie, don't call me baby.
Look, Heather's havin' this party.
How about you and me,
we go together?
- What do you say?
- What do I say?
- Yeah.
- I say no.
See you at practice.
You'll go with me, right? Doris?
I wasn't invited.
Are you home?
Are you ready to lose? Because when
I buck-buck, you better duck-duck.
Are you gonna buck-buck,
or are you just gonna talk-talk?
Buck-buck number six comin'.
Yes! We held.
Now we're the buck-buck
champions of the world.
Wait. We still have
one more guy.
- Bring him out then.
- Come on out, Fa-a-a-a-t Albert.
He loves to hear us call his name.
Hey, hey, hey!
Who wants to play?
- Oh, no.
- Oh, no!
- No, no. Not that--
- No, man. I got a bad back.
Fat Albert, you got a problem to solve.
I just saw Danielle.
She said she was quittin' school
and running away from home.
Looks like Danielle is in trouble.
We have to help her.
- Hey, Danielle.
- What do you want?
- You can't quit school and run away.
- What's it to you?
- Well, I care about you.
- Well, don't.
Every time someone says they care
about me, they wind up leaving me.
But, Danielle,
you can't let fear--
- You hear that?
- Hear what?
- That.
- Hello! We have lines here, people.
That. Don't you hear that?
I have done guests spots
on Bugs Bunny and The Jetsons...
and I have never been treated like this.
I am so out of here.
Oh, my. It's a tear.
Hey, hey, hey!
What is that thing?
- It's a monster!
- And it be-- gonna be come and get--
Mushmouth thinks the monster
will crawl in here and get us.
I am so confused!
It's not a monster.
It's a girl.
And she's cryin'.
I'm going to help her.
Albert, you can't go.
We're cartoons, and this is our show.
- I have no choice.
- You go out there,
you will poke your eye out.
Why do adults always say
you'll poke your eye out?
Huh? No.
- No.
- Hey.
Let go of my legs.
- Go away!
- Let go of my legs. Ow.
Let go of my legs. Quit hittin' on me!
- Go away!
- Ow. Why you doin' me like that?
Give me the pillow and stop
hittin' on me. Let go of my legs.
Let go of my legs.
Let go--
my legs.
Oh. You stay away from me.
I'm gonna call 911 on you.
Oh, this cannot be happenin'.
I'm losing my mind.
Yeah, that's it.
Hey, hey, hey.
How'd I get this way?
I have no idea! You just need to get
back into that television set right now.
Ow. Get off my back.
Russell, you stay here.
I'm telling Mom on you.
- Look at you.
- My teeth.
Guys, help.
Get me out of here.
Oh, my.
Look-- Look at us.
- This is nuts. We-- We gotta get back.
- No, no, no.
- That girl has a problem.
- What problem?
Well, you must have a problem.
You were cryin'.
Problem. Right.
Um, I was cryin'because, uh...
I l-- lost my, um--
my backpack!
- Is that it?
- Oh! You found my backpack!
Oh, you guys helped me find my backpack.
Oh, thank you so much.
Now-- Now you guys can go back into
the TV because you solved my problem.
- Stay tuned for more of Fat Albert--
- Problem solved. Let's go home.
- Okay.
- You're watching TV Land.
- Mushmouth, you go first.
- Noba-- Wubba-- Wubba me?
They're not lettin' him back in.
My ba-- hebba hurt. My-- My--
Mushmouth says his head hurts.
As soon as the commercial
is over and your show is on...
you guys can go back
i-in there, right?
- I hope so.
- Okay.
Um, I'll go get some drinks.
You guys stay put.
Okay, Daddy and I are
gonna have to have a long talk.
I don't know how, but I'm gonna
tell him that we need a gate.
Some kind of guard or a screen to put over
the TV set so-- so nobody can get out. Okay.
Don't you guys make noise
when you enter a room?
Well, I never thought about it.
We-- We just enter.
Okay. Here are your drinks.
Do you have a-- a can opener?
The can opener's on the can.
Stop! Stop!
- Hello? What are you doing?
- Singin'.
I know you're singing,
but aren't you gonna drink?
Not unless somebody writes
that we're thirsty.
Okay. Forget the drinks.
The commercial's almost over,
and you've gotta get back.
Stay tuned to TV Land
for more of your classic TV favorites.
There's no place like TV Land.
Where's our show?
It's over.
Your show is over.
- Pardon me, miss.
- My name is Doris.
- Doris.
- Oh, that's a nice name.
- Doris.
- I know a dog named Doris.
So, Doris, when is
our show on again?
- What do we do now?
- I don't know.
I know you don't know.
I wasn't talking to you.
- I wasn't talking to you.
- Then who were you talking to?
- I thought I was talking to her.
- Guys, guys!
I say we wait with Doris till 2:30
tomorrow when our show is on again.
I don't think we should be outside.
We don't belong here.
I don't know about that.
This neighborhood looks kind of familiar.
- Ooh! Cody, can I ask you a question?
- Sure.
- Do you see anyone?
- I see you.
Anyone else?
I see a bunch of
bizarre-looking freaks.
- Thanks.
- No problem, Doris. See you around.
Okay. Other people
can see you too. That's good.
I think.
Okay, bye!
She doesn't mean
anything to me.
You're the only woman
who means anything to me.
You're the only woman
that matters.
Hold on a second, Ma.
Can I help you guys?
Uh, what are you talking into?
- A phone.
- It-- It doesn't have any wires.
You guys yankin' my chain?
- I didn't even know you had a chain.
- Me too. Yeah.
- Hey,Jer.
- Hi, Doris.
Do you know these guys?
Yeah. I met them today.
Okay. Enjoy them.
Hey, Ma.
No, a bunch of wackos.
- Yeah.
- Look...
maybe it's not such a good idea
for you guys to hang with me.
So I'll see you tomorrow, 2:30.
Where will we go?
What will we do?
Why don't you
bu-bu-bu-- bike us?
Mushmouth wants to know
why you don't like us.
All right, all right.
You can come with me.
Look, just don't tell anyone
who you guys are.
Everybody already thinks
I'm weird.
- I know what you mean.
- Well, at least you have friends.
I knew it!
You do have a problem.
- Now all we gotta do is get you some friends.
- No. No. Absolutely not.
You know who you're talkin' to?
Fat Albert talk,
people--people listen.
Hey, look. Nobody is talking to anyone,
or you're not going anywhere.
Now, come on. This is my last class,
and I don't want to be late.
I talked it over with my boys,
and we want a buck-buck rematch.
- Uh, you do?
- Yeah.
We're gonna be the buck-buck
champions of the world.
- You can't be.
- Why not?
Fat Albert and the guys
aren't here right now.
You mean you're here
by yourself?
- You know what that means, don't you?
- No.
It means that me and my boys
are gonna take over the junkyard!
You can't do that!
This is Fat Albert's junkyard!
Oh, yeah? Well, I don't see
Fat Albert anywhere.
Help! Help!
Good afternoon, class.
Good afternoon, Mrs. Forchick.
Since there's a three-day
weekend coming-- Oh, yes, Doris.
Um, I have some...
visitors here with me.
And I didn't think you'd mind
if they audited the class.
All right, kids.
Come on. Find a seat.
Hello. How you doin'?
Nice clothes.
Name's Darren.
- What's that on your head?
- It's my hat.
- Why don't you take it off?
- I have no face.
- Right.
- Answer questions one, four, seven and nine.
- What's with that guy? - I ba do badoby,
but myba nameba iba M-Mushmouth.
And you?
And now why don't we begin by having
your friends introduce themselves?
Oh, all right.
Well, I'm Fat Albert.
- Doris says you're visiting.
Where is it that you live? - North Philly.
What? Was that funny?
Yes. It is.
Considering the fact that
you're in North Philadelphia...
and therefore are visiting North
Philadelphia from North Philadelphia.
Is there something more
you want to say, Albert?
Oh, uh, yes. We're here
because Doris has a problem.
- Oh, God.
- Yes, she doesn't have any friends.
So we came here to tell everybody
to be her friend.
That's very nice.
All right, kids. Power up.
Log on and access the Internet.
- Yes. Can I help you?
- Uh, what is this?
Uh, why don't we put those down?
Two more laps.
Well, that was one of the more
humiliating experiences of my life.
Look, I don't have friends
because I don't want friends.
So if you guys would stop trying to help
me, I would greatly appreciate it.
Hey, hey, hey!
You run track?
Yeah, I do. My grandpa used to
run track for Temple.
It was important to him,
so I run.
- Well, are you fast?
- No, I'm not.
- I'm lucky just to finish.
- Hey, hey, hey. Don't think that way.
I'm sure you could win.
And I'll be here to cheer you on.
- I'll see you next class.
- Okay.
- Bye.
- Who is that?
Oh, that's my sister Lauri.
Well, not really my "sister" sister.
My foster sister.
My family took her in last year.
Well, I'm gonna go get ready.
You guys just stay put. Don't walk.
Don't talk. Don't do anything.
And I do not have a problem.
Hey, Fat Albert.
You sick or somethin'?
I'm going to go talk
to Doris's sister.
You know,
about Doris's problem.
- Is he all right?
- I don't know.
- I know you don't know. I wasn't talking to you.
- I wasn't talking to you.
- Well, who--
- Guys, guys!
You're Lauri.
Yeah. Who are you?
I'm Fat Albert.
Well, Albert,
is there something you want?
Wait. Don't rub it.
Oh, boy. That be
some nice budda-bup.
You watch your mouth.
That better?
- Yeah.
- My mother showed me how to do that.
She blew in his eye.
Uh, what does that mean?
- I don't know.
- I know you don't know.
Guys, guys, guys!
Doris tells me that you two are sisters.
I mean, not real sisters,
but foster sisters.
Man, there's no way I'm letting
that fat kid get over on Lauri.
See, Doris has this problem
where I think that--
I see you two have met.
He's an athlete, Arthur. Look.
- Yo. You sure, Reginald?
- I'll talk to you later, Lauri.
I guess he came
to try out for the track team.
I wonder what event, uh,
he could participate in.
- The high hurdle.
- Yo, the belly roll.
How about the 440?
440? Do you want to
race me, beefy boy?
You don't want to
race Fat Albert.
Fat Albert?
- Yeah he's fat, but he's fast.
- Fabby but fabba.
Okay. Well, let's see
how fast you really are.
- I already know how fast I am.
- Look, you got a problem with racing me?
I don't have a problem.
I solve problems.
That's what he does.
Okay, okay.
I'll race you, but...
- I can't take my clothes off.
- Great.
'Cause nobody want to see
all that blubber anyways.
On your mark.
Get set. Go!
- Go, Fat Albert! Go!
- Come on, Fat Albert!
- You're gaining on him!
You're gaining on him!
You're doin' very well, Reggie.
You run really fast.
Runnin' is good exercise,
isn't it? Later.
Oh, crap!
You know what, Reggie?
Even though you came in second place...
it doesn't mean
you're not a winner too.
You haven't seen
the last of me. Fat man!
Fat, fat, fat, fat!
Hey, yo.
Nobody makes a fool
out of Reggie except for Reggie.
Let's hear it!
How did you do that?
You were amazing.
Hey! Lauri, Doris, come on!
Let's move it!
Gotta go.
2:30 tomorrow.
You're out of here.
Doris, Eliza, city finals are Saturday,
and I want us ready.
This year I expect us to win.
Albert, hold up. Albert,
stop running so fast. Slow down.
You think Lauri likes me?
Even though I'm fat.
Isn't it the person who matters
and not how they look?
- Beats me. I don't know.
- I never had a girlfriend.
You had a girlfriend?
Yeah. Yeah. That's what I thought.
Albert, wait.
You know, she blew in my eye.
Fat Albert, try to stay focused.
- You got a problem to solve--
- I know that.
See. That's who we are.
Yeah. And we're
coming out on "divda".'
- What's "divda"?
- I don't know.
Don't start.
We don't belong here.
You-- You guys think
we're losing a little color?
No, Mr. Worrywart.
Guys, I see cheerleaders.
Cheerleaders? Those are
the most popular girls in school.
Well, come on! We gotta get 'em
to be friends with Doris.
That'll solve everything.
Uh, excuse me.
Yeah? Who are you?
Well, I'm Fat Albert.
Is there something
I can do for you, Fat Albert?
Well, it would be really nice
if you could be friends with Doris.
- Excuse me?
- You see, Doris doesn't have any friends...
- and we have to fix that and get her some.
- Yeah.
Isn't that sweet?
I'll tell you what. Why don't you guys
come to my party tonight.
Daddy's having
the whole street blocked off.
- And you can bring Doris.
- We'd love to have her come.
- Oh, okay.
- You did it, Albert.
Hey, hey, hey!
Fat Albert's gonna save the day.
Hey, ho!
You did what?
- We talked to Heather.
- We told her about your problem.
Stop that!
What part of "I don't have
a problem" don't you understand?
She invited you to her party.
- And she invited us too.
- Isn't that great?
Well, she didn't want me
to go before.
You want us to go back
in the TV, don't you?
Are you threatening me?
Is it working?
- You really wanna go?
- I'm a party animal.
- What about you?
- Is Lauri gonna be there?
She really wants you to go.
Okay, okay. Okay.
But first we have to
go to the mall.
What's a mall?
Wow! It looks like an indoor town.
- All right. Everybody stay with...
- Whoo!
I don't even know why I'm doing this.
I mean, it's a party.
I hate parties.
Hey, hey, hey!
Okay. You win.
Oh. You guys stay here.
I'm gonna try this on.
An arcade in a mall.
Is this a great country or what?
What did he just say?
You watch your mouth.
Ah, you rock, dude.
Hey, man.
It's sayin' things.
Whoa! That was tight!
- Hey, man. How'd you do that?
- I don't know. But it was tight.
Why don't you stay here
and wait for Doris?
Sure. Great.
I mean, cool.
Okay. I'm gonna go check out
the-- the Big and Tall.
Hey, you. If you're looking
to buy, I'm your guy.
And for talking to me,
you get a hat... for free.
Hey, hey, hey!
I like free.
Now this is you.
- Wow.
- Now, come on. Let's get this sweater--
Uh-- You know...
I can't take my sweater off
because, uh--
I don't know
what's underneath it.
Okay. Well...
let's put the jacket on
over the sweater.
Oh, okay.
- See how nicely this slims you?
- You think so?
I know big,
and you, my friend, are big.
And fat. I'm Fat Albert.
Well, when I'm done with you,
you're gonna be Big Al.
That'll be $10,428.22.
Uh, I-- I don't have any money.
- Why didn't you tell me that?
- You didn't ask.
...and mobile snapshots.
It's 2004's ultimate
communicating device.
I ba looka gooba.
- Hey, I look good too.
- Soba-soba.
How come you never give me
any compliments?
Ooba gooba looba loo.
Thanks. Ooh.
Thanks. Ooh.
Hey, Bucky, look!
They still jump rope.
What are we waiting for?
They call that double Dutch.
Doris, where did you
learn to jump rope like that?
- That was fantastic. - Oh, it's just
something my grandpa taught me.
No big deal.
Lots of kids are better.
All right. Enough fun for one day.
I think we can go home now.
Yeah! Let's go!
All right! Hey, hey, hey!
I guess I showed him.
Nobody messes with me
or Fat Albert.
He's never comin' back.
So the junkyard
is goin' to be ours!
Ours! Ours!
- Ow!
- So long, sucker!
Get back here, you little--
- They call that singing?
- No, they call that talking.
Whatever they call it, I like it.
Man, it's somethin' out here.
Yeah, it's fast out here.
It is nice out here.
What about our world?
We always had fun there.
Yeah, but that was before
we came out here.
Yeah, and here nobody
has to write it in for us to have fun.
- We don't belong here.
- Bill may be right.
You guys see the picture me
and Mushmouth took at the mall?
- I think we lost some color since then.
- Whubba?
- Holy cow.
- Hey, hey, hey.
It's just a picture.
Pictures aren't real.
Neither are we.
I can't believe
Dumb Donald is right.
We aren't real,
and I think we're fading.
Hey, hey, hey.
We're not fading.
Stop being such a downer.
Doris, you look great.
You look tight.
- What'd you just say?
- I learned it in the mall.
Oh. Well, don't talk
that way about Doris.
You-- You really think
I look okay?
When you walk into the party,
people are gonna notice.
So, Lauri, do you think
that I could be a Big Al...
instead of a Fat Albert?
You can be anything
you wanna be.
Thank you.
Uh, can I get you
a soda or something?
You're so sweet.
But you just got me a soda.
Oh, yeah. Right.
You're very nice...
Big Al.
- I'll go get you a soda.
- But--
Hey, Rudy.
- Hey, Darren.
- Check this out, man.
- Nice hat.
- Right back at ya.
What are you doing?
- I'm-- - You, uh, wouldn't happen to be
hiding, now, would you?
Now, Doris, come on.
Just take a chance and go for it.
You know, there's
something about you.
Something very familiar.
Hey, hey, hey.
You watch me every day.
Now let's go.
We have got some partying to do.
Some partying? Nobody ever
asks to dance with me anyway.
Tsk. Well, they will...
- You do one, Mushmouth.
- "Mushmouth"!
- Knock, knock.
- Who's "theres"?
Hebbada, hebba, dabbada
and bedebada...
and bada dubba.
- What-- What he say?
- I don't know.
Oh, they're making fun of him.
Maybe we should leave.
Yo, yo, yo.
What up, everybody?
Yo, Viper.
How we doin' tonight? I mean, is this party
off the hook or what? What's up, y'all?
Yeah. Yeah. That's what I'm talking about.
So, look. I've got
a big, fat treat for y'all.
And, uh, coincidentally, uh,
his name is, uh, Fat Albert.
Ignore him, Albert.
He's just trying to humiliate you.
Come on up here and, uh, say a few words
to the crowd, uh, Fat Albert.
No, no. Albert, don't.
Why not?
Lauri'll never talk to him
after this. Trust me.
All right, all right.
Thank you.
Where's the cord?
Sit down, big guy.
There is no cord, uh,
my oversized friend.
What you got to say,
big man?
I'm gonna sing a song.
Please, no.
Viper, why don't you hook him up
with a little groove?
Hook him up.
Hook him up.
Hey, hey, hey!
It's Fa-a-a-a-t Albert!
- Albert can sing?
- I sure hope so.
Well, aren't you the hip-hop fool.
Go, Albert.
Go. Go. Go. Go.
Go. Go, Albert. Go. Go.
Hey, yo, I'm not so sure this
was such a good idea, Reg.
Shut up, dummy! There's something
strange about those kids though. I'm--
Go. Go. Go. Go.
Heb-- Hebbo.
Heba, baby.
I don't know what I'm saying.
That's great.
Look at him.
I know what Lauri's doin'. She's just
dancing with him to make me jealous.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Havin' a good time?
It's okay.
So, uh, you see anyone
you'd like to dance with?
Hey, sweet thing.
Wanna dance?
Reggie, no.
Please, Reggie, don't.
- Aw, come on, baby. Don't be like that.
- I said stop it, Reggie!
Hey, you should be glad
I even danced with you!
Hey, man. You're like school
on Saturday. No class.
I knew I should've never
come to this party.
Rudy, be a gentleman.
See how Doris is doing.
You stay away from her...
or you're gonna
have to deal with me.
Right. Uh, next time.
Lauri, wait. Lauri.
Doris. Doris, would you
please wait?
- We thought we were helping.
- Helping what?
I don't have a problem.
I was doing just fine
before you guys arrived.
So, uh, do you have, like,
a special guy or somethin'?
No, I don't have time for boys.
Anyway, I'm better off
working on my writing.
- Oh, you want to be a writer?
- Mm-hmm.
Since I was a little girl.
- I want to tell stories.
- Really? What kind?
I don't know. I guess...
kind of personal stuff.
You know, maybe about how
a person feels because...
their parents...
are no longer around.
Sorry about that.
I miss them-- a lot.
Sometimes it hurts so bad, I don't want
to care about anyone again.
You know what? You should be
walking on this side of the street.
Is that some kind of macho thing?
No, it's just, you know, the gentleman
should walk on the side with the traffic.
That way, if a car,
like, splashes mud...
or jumps the curb, he can push
the woman out of the way.
- You know what I'm saying?
- Okay.
Oh, uh, I-- I--
We're here.
- It's your house.
- Yeah.
You can go inside now.
Um, thanks for
walking me home.
Well, good night.
You know, uh, allow me.
You are such a gentleman.
My Big Al.
Me and you. B.F.F.?
"Best friends forever."
Are you okay?
I'm fine. I had no business
going to that party.
- I should have never listened to Albert and--
- What is with you?
Ever since your grandpa passed away,
you're not the same.
It's like you've given up.
You know, the guys were just
trying to help.
I suppose you're right.
Well, at least you had a good time.
So, what's with you and Albert?
Oh. He seems nice.
Why don't we invite him
to the track meet on Saturday?
Um, I don't think Albert's
gonna be here on Saturday.
Where will he be?
Uh, I don't know.
- Besides, the fewer people
who see me run, the better. - Doris...
you've got to start
believing in yourself.
You used to be one of the fastest
runners on the team.
Good night, Lauri.
Good night.
- Morning, Doris.
- Hey, Doris!
Rudy says that you're mad at us. Are you?
No. It wasn't your fault. I should have
known better than to go to that party.
Wait. You guys haven't
been here all night, have you?
No. We just got here a little early. We didn't
want to miss goin' to school with you.
I see.
Look, you guys, I don't think you should
go to school with me.
I think people
are getting suspicious.
- Uh, well, that-- that's cool.
Yeah. We understand. - Yeah.
Um, is Lauri home?
No. She had an early class.
Are you guys okay?
You look a little... pale.
- A little washed out.
- Washed out?
Well, I don't know. Anyway...
if you guys get bored, there's a park,
like, two blocks that way.
So I'll see you later on.
2:30. Showtime.
I knew it.
She's right. We are fading.
Stop worrying. I mean,
we can't do anything about it anyway.
- We have to wait until 2:30.
- To the park.
Yeah, bu--
New school.
Old Weird Harold,
you ever play basketball before?
Not that I remember.
You caught it!
That was amazing!
The only thing you ever
caught before was a cold.
Hey, man. You wanna play?
We could use another guy
for three on three.
I lba stayba wayba.
All right.
Exercise equipment.
How cool is that?
I'll see you guys later.
I'm goin'to the school library.
You can't read.
I can now. I think.
Okay. But don't be late.
- To the library!
- To the slide!
Come on!
Come on.
Yeah. Come on.
Hebbie deboe.
What are you saying?
- He-- Hebbie deboe.
- Are you saying hello?
- Yebba.
- You talk funny.
- Baba baloomba.
- No.
- Balloon.
- Babaloomba.
Don't you get it?
Ba-loon. Say "ba".
- Ba.
- Now say "loon".
Uh, loon?
Now say "ba-loon".
- Ba-loon.
- Exactly.
- Balloon.
- You've got it.
Balloon, balloon, balloon.
Oh, thank you.
This is great.
Madam, it has been my extreme pleasure
talking with your daughter.
She taught me how to say balloon.
Well, I'm very happy for you.
Come on, honey.
Sweetheart, how many times
have I told you not to talk to strangers?
He's not strange, Mommy.
He's Mushmouth.
Goodup byebee.
Hey, man.
Look at Old Weird Harold.
He's shooting.
He's dunkin'.
And he's not falling.
He's not clumsy anymore.
- Mushmouth, you can speak.
- Don't call me Mushmouth.
Uh, what should we call you?
J ust call me... Mouth.
Don't call me
Old Weird Harold anymore.
I'm Air Harold now.
- Dumb Donald.
- Hmm?
What are you doing here?
We've gotta go.
I'm readin' African-American history.
I'm on volume 22.
- But I thought you were dumb.
- Well, that's when I was a cartoon.
I'm actually feeling
pretty smart now.
And I bet I'll feel even smarter
without this dumb-lookin' hat.
Oh, you've got a nice face.
I do?
I do!
I have a nice face!
- No. Shh. No.
- Everybody, look! I got a nice face!
- No. I'm so sorry. Shh!
- Everybody, I have a nice face.
No! Dumb Donald!
My name is Mouth.
- What'd I just say?
- Your name is Mouth.
Isn't this great?
You understand me.
I do believe I like it
out here very much.
- Me too.
- Me three.
- Hey, man. What's up?
- Hey. Nice outfit.
Yeah, I figure, with this new hot look,
be getting all the girls.
I hear you, man. Somethin'
I been living with for years.
Hey, man, your colors.
They're fading.
You need to chill with that bleach,
man. I'll see you later.
- Oh, no.
- What's wrong?
It's gettin' worse.
We're not just losing our color.
Look at my hand.
I can see through it.
It's fading away.
I'm scared.
- I wanna go home.
- Me too.
Oh! My goodness.
Oh, my.
I can see his behind.
My behind?
So that's what one looks like.
Looks like it's broken.
Let's go.
We have a problem to fix.
Uh, surround him.
We can't let anybody
see his behind.
I told y'all. We gotta get back
to where we belong.
Let's go.
- Where are we going?
- To the junkyard.
You come back here, you!
Get over here!
I'm not done with you yet!
Come out of there,
you little thing, you!
Okay by me.
I can stay here
until the show starts.
And then we're playing buck-buck.
All my guys against you.
And when we beat you,
all this will be ours!
Ours! Ours!
That's our theme song!
You guys can't sing it.
I knew I could find some paint
around here somewhere.
Oh, man!
Now he has a green
naked behind.
What are you doin' here?
Dumb Donald.
- You have a face.
- Isn't it nice?
Great. He's got a face.
Now let's go.
The show's already started, and you guys
gotta get your behinds back in the TV.
- But no looking.
- At what?
Never you mind.
Just no lookin'.
I have never seen anyone
move so slow.
Hurry up.
The show's almost over.
Well, we-- we--
Why you trying to squeeze me?
All right.
- Watch my behind. My behind.
- Bucky, Bucky.
Help! Fat Albert,
you gotta help!
They're gonna
take over our show.
Okay, Russell. We're comin'.
Okay, Bucky, come on. You first.
Since you got the you-know-what
hanging out.
When I count to three...
close your eyes.
They're back! They're back!
My pants are back!
Yeah, but you're still Bucky.
Well, I'll be glad to get back
where I can take it to the hole.
- Uh-oh!
- Dominate in the paint and score at will.
- All right, Harold.
- You're the man, Harold.
Hey, boy, pull your pants up.
- Okay, who's next?
- I'll go.
I've become smart enough
to understand that we're fading away...
because we've entered into a world
where we do not belong.
If you try to become
something that you're not...
you lose the essence
of who you really are.
Then go. Go.
Oooh, eyeballs! Eyeballs!
Floating eyeballs!
- Where is your face, man?
- What happened to his face?
He always wore a hat in the cartoon,
so nobody ever drew him a whole face.
Put the hat on,
Dumb Donald! Put the hat on!
Ah, that was a close one.
- Well, well, well. Interesting, right?
- Yeah.
All right.
Well, who's next?
How about you?
Oh, uh, I've decided,
uh, I'm gonna have to stay.
- No, you're not.
- No. You're not.
We interrupt this program
to bring you a special news broadcast.
No! You missed it again.
Hey, hey, hey.
We can make it another day.
- And how do you know? Have you ever
faded before? - Oh, we'll be fine.
You don't care if we're fine.
All you care about
is staying here with Lauri.
Lauri is important to me.
Maybe it's time I started
caring about myself.
I don't even know
who you are anymore.
Hey, hey, hey.
I said I'm gonna stay.
Hey, hey, hey! Friends
don't let friends fade away.
Don't use my lines on me. Besides,
I haven't solved Doris's problem yet.
But I don't have a problem!
- Yes, you do!
- No, I don't!
You think I came out of the TV just for you
to tell me you don't have a problem?
- I'm fine!
- You were watching a happy, fun TV show.
Stop it! Stop it! This isn't
about her problem! It's about yours!
Hey, guys.
- Oh, hi.
- Hi, Lauri.
- Where are the rest of the guys?
- They went back.
In the tele-- Ow!
I got some free passes
for the fair tonight.
Albert, do you want to go?
That would be fantastic.
How about you, Doris?
Will you come?
I don't know.
I just need tonight.
J ust one night.
One last night with Lauri.
Well, I'm gonna meet you
at the girls' house.
I told Lauri I'd
pick her up at the library.
I feel really bad for him.
Let's make his last night here
one he'll always remember.
How about one
all of us will remember?
You're right.
Well, we're gonna
need some wheels.
I mean, we've got to ride
to the fair in style.
Ladies, your chariot awaits.
It's okay.
Rudy, have you lost your mind?
Let's roll.
Uh, you mean start it up?
This is all...
just a little joke...
right, guys?
Uh, Albert, why don't you,
uh, turn on the radio?
Okay, Albert, give her some gas.
- Some gas?
- Gas.
- It's moving!
- Yeah.
Well, it is a car.
We're having a good time.
That's all I want to know.
This is so much fun.
And thanks for winning this for me.
Hey, hey, hey.
Anytime, any day.
These have been two
of the greatest days of my life.
How come Fat Albert and Rudy
have girls, and I just have you?
Are you sure they
don't want something?
Oh, they don't eat.
I mean, they don't eat much.
Albert sure looks like he eats.
So, um, are you ready
for the track meet tomorrow?
Do you think they're sick?
They look kind of washed out to me.
No. No, that's just too much
bleach in their clothes.
Hey, Albert, if you like Lauri,
you gotta take her on a roller coaster.
That's the best thing to take a girl on,
because while the ride is goin' on...
they get so scared,
they want you to hold 'em.
And then when the roller coaster
goes around the corner...
they fall up against you
and everything.
Okay, watch me.
Okay, say you're a girl
and you're on a roller coaster.
I'm not sayin' I'm a girl
on a roller coaster.
What's wrong with you, man? Why don't you say
you're a girl on a roller coaster by yourself?
I'm just tryin'
to show Albert something.
- Where'd Albert go?
- Oh, he-- he's with the girls.
Lauri, you wanna go
on the roller coaster?
Go, Albert.
- Can I ask you a question?
- Sure.
If I didn't have to go back--
I mean, if I was
a real person, would you--
Would I what?
Would you go out with me?
- You mean like on a date?
- Yeah.
But we are on a date.
That's right. Cool.
You were so scared.
- I wasn't scared. I just looked scared...
- Mm-hmm.
'cause my cheeks were
wrapped around my ears...
and my eyelids went up
over my head and everything.
- Wanna go again?
- Um, y-you go ahead.
Be right back.
- You're Fat Albert!
- Hey, hey, hey.
What are you doin' here?
You're supposed to be on TV.
These bad kids
keep chasing Russell.
He needs you.
We all need you.
What will Mr. Cosby think
if you don't go back?
- Come on, Emmitt. We gotta go.
- Dad, it's Fat Albert!
Uh, come on, son.
Mom's waiting.
But, Dad, it's really Fat Albert.
I know. I know.
Who's Fat Albert?
I think this is the real thing.
He's charming, bright,
a gentleman.
And he's the first guy
I've met in a long time...
I feel I can trust.
The kind of guy that
will always be here for me.
Get one ring
on the bottle, and you win a prize!
Nobody's a loser.
Everybody's a winner.
People wait till you get to the top
of the stairs, then they knock.
- Who is it!
- It's Fat Albert.
Yeah, right.
Hello. I'm looking for Mr. Cosby.
Are you his dad?
I'm- I'm Fat Albert.
Whoa! Uh-- Help! He--
I'm sorry, Mr. Cosby.
I didn't mean to startle you.
- You okay? - No, that's all right, son.
Thank you. My boy...
how did you get
into this predicament?
Well, I-I-I crawled out of the TV set.
Crawled out of the TV set.
Uh, well, how?
I-I crawled out of there
because I heard her crying.
- Who-- Who'd ya heard?
- I heard Doris.
- Doris. - She was sitting on the
couch, and she was crying.
- Doris who?
- Doris Robertson.
Doris Robertson?
- Yeah.
- Do you know where they live?
Uh, North Philly.
Albert Robertson...
is Doris Robertson's grandfather.
He died some time ago.
I designed your character
after Albert Robertson.
And you heard her spirit...
and you crawled through the set?
- I-- I guess so.
- Well, that's just fine, son!
All you have to do is you
just crawl back into the set.
- I don't want to go back into the set.
- We're ready to go.
- Hey, hey, hey.
- Yeah, hey, hey, hey. I want to stay!
Oh, ho, ho. No, you can't do that.
See, you're a cartoon.
You're a cartoon, and you have your fellas
waiting for you to do more stories.
Your fans are waiting to see you
on TV so you can solve problems.
Oh, no, I don't want
to go back into the TV.
What do you mean,
you don't want to go back?
- No, I want to stay here in the real world.
- You can't--
You can't stay out here.
You stay out here...
you're gonna turn
into celluloid dust.
- Lauri.
- Albert?
What are you doing here?
Uh, I need to talk to you.
I'll meet you downstairs.
Oh, Lord.
- Oh, my.
- Lauri--
Are you okay?
Hey, hey, hey.
Fallin' is easy.
It's gettin' up
that's the hard part.
- Now just roll me over. No. Don't take me.
- Okay.
Grab onto my-- Oh!
You're tickling me.
So, what's this about?
Uh, well, I came here
to tell you...
that I can no longer
be your B.F.F.
- I can only be your B.F.U.T.
- B.F.U.T.?
Yeah, "best friend until tomorrow".
- What are you talking about?
- All right, I don't just look like Fat Albert.
- I am Fat Albert.
- So?
- I'm really the guy in the cartoon.
- Cartoon?
The Fat Albert show.
You know, "hey, hey, hey".
It's a cartoon.
See, when I told you
I would stay forever...
I didn't know that I was fading.
Now I'm this fading
cartoon character...
and if I don't go back into the TV...
I'm gonna turn into a big pile
of powdered celluloid.
You know, it's almost funny.
Every time someone says
they care about me...
- they wind up leaving me.
- No, no, Lauri.
Wait. No, Lauri. Lauri!
You-- You can't let fear keep you
from caring about someone.
- Albert.
- Yes?
Get some help.
Wa-- Lauri, wai--
How could you possibly believe
that Albert's a cartoon character?
It's all true, Lauri.
Doris, no one came out
of our TV set.
Those guys, Albert's friends...
they're very strange.
I think they could be
some kind of cult.
- Someday you'll understand.
- What I understand...
is that we have a track meet
tomorrow, so let's go to sleep.
Go, A.H.S., yeah!
Runners, take your marks!
- Nice race.
- Thanks.
Come on, guys. Hurry up!
Come on, guys. Hurry up!
The bad guys are comin' back
for a buck-buck buck-off.
I'm coming, Bucky.
When I get back, I'll show
everybody how well I can speak.
And then they won't
laugh at me anymore.
Hey, Fat Albee!
I mean, Fat-a-boo!
Aw, frit!
Well, Doris, if I ever come
back out of that TV again...
I'll be calling you.
I'll be waiting.
Okay, Bill, you're next.
Arthur, learn the handshake.
- Why don't you go first?
- I just need a moment alone with Doris.
See you in the junkyard.
Hey, Russell, you know what?
I'm actually happy to see you.
Oh, yeah? Well, I'm still
telling Mom on you.
Well, uh, I guess I have to
go back to the way I was.
But if I could stay,
I would be so happy...
to be the best that
I was capable of being.
It's funny.
It seems like I know you--
have known you...
for a long time.
Maybe you have.
Maybe you have.
All right. Come on now.
We gotta get you back to the track.
You got a relay race to run.
Go for it.
Come on, Fat Albert!
We need you!
No, not yet.
I finally understand
why I had to come out here.
Don't. You won't be back in time.
You cannot last another day.
I have to help her.
It's time for Doris
to believe in herself again.
You're fading, man! You cannot--
Guys, listen up.
Now, we win this relay,
we win the meet. All right?
- Yori, you're first leg as usual.
- All right.
Lisa, I'm taking you off of third leg
and putting you on second leg.
- Okay.
- Go, Lisa!
Lauri, you're third leg.
And, Doris, you're anchor.
All right, come on!
Let's do this now!
Go, Archers!
Yeah, come on, guys!
Anchor? But you're always anchor.
How could Coach make me anchor?
- Lauri!
- It was Albert's idea.
You're not a loser.
Come on.
We've got spirit!
Yes, we do!
We've got spirit!
How about you?
- Come on! Come on!
- Set!
Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
Go! Go!
Run, Doris! Run!
- What are you doing here?
- You can win!
Someone get that fat kid
off the track!
Okay. Now go.
Run, Doris! Run! You can win!
Come on. Come on.
- Yeah.
- We won!
We won! We won!
You did it!
No, we did it.
Oh, come on. We gotta go.
Where are we going?
Oh, Albert,
you never should've come.
- What's going on? - I have to get him
in the TV before the show ends.
- Doris, don't start.
- Can't you see he's fading?
So we meet again.
- Fat Albert.
- Fat.
Reggie, leave him alone.
He's not, uh, feeling well.
Hey, everybody, listen up!
This fat fool is not
what he appears to be.
Come on, Albert.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Uh, where
do you think you're going, fat man?
It's you and me.
Hey, hey, hey.
Get out of our way.
So I guess you won't mind
if we borrow this.
Anything you want.
- Come on. - Doris, I don't know
about this. Wait, Doris. Lauri.
Are you sure
we should be on this? Oh!
Look, Lauri! Doris! Lauri!
- Doris! Whoa, stairs.
- Hey!
Stand back!
Oh, sorry.
I just can't stop. Sorry.
Nice meeting you.
Whoa! Whoa!
So sorry. I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry. So sorry.
Oh, thank you.
- Hello.
- No, no, no!
Hey, yo, man!
Are you okay?
Hey, hey, hey. Flyin' is easy.
I-It's the landing that's hard.
Fat Albert!
Hurry! The show's
almost over. We need you.
Okay, Bill. I'm comin'.
Now get back in the set.
- Pretty amazing, huh?
- How could this be?
Hurry up. You've gotta go.
Albert, wait.
I don't understand any of this.
I never meant to hurt you, Lauri.
Will you ever come back?
If there's any way that I can, I will.
But in the meantime, we'll
always have North Philly.
And I'll always have my Big Al.
Albert, wait!
I finally figured out
who you remind me of.
You remind me of my grandpa.
Hey, hey, hey.
That's a nice thing to say.
I love you, Doris.
I love you too.
What is that? A piece of paper?
No, man. That's a paper clip.
I'll see you girls through the TV.
We have 'em! We're
the buck-buck champions!
- We still have 'em.
- Okay, lift. Okay, now push.
Now push together.
Fa-a-a-a-t Albert! He loves
to hear us call his name.
Hey, hey, hey.
Who wants to play?
Fat Albert, you got
a problem to solve.
I just saw Danielle. She said she was
quittin' school and running away from home.
- Hey, Danielle.
- What do you want?
- You can't quit school and run away.
- What's it to you?
- Well, I care about you.
- Well, don't.
Every time someone says they care
about me, they wind up leaving me.
But, Danielle,
you can't let fear, um--
He better not be doing this again.
You can't let fear keep you
from caring about someone...
because caring about someone
is wonderful.
A person you can think about,
and they think about you...
and you both know you're
thinking about each other.
And it-- it's just
fantastic to know...
that there's somebody
out there in the world...
thinking about you.
Hey, hey, hey!
It's Fa-a-a-a-t Albert!
Oh, my legs!
Hey! Hey! Hey!
Let go of my legs!
- Grab his socks!
- Let go of my legs! I gotta help these people.
Why, look at that guy.
Ooh, look at his--
Yeah, you can't tell me
he doesn't need my help.
Check out that lady over there.
Do I detect tears?
Eh, you in the back!
Where are you goin'?
It's not over!
You gotta watch the end credits.