Feet First (1930) Movie Script

Tanner Shoes.
We must live up to our slogan.
"The World Walks
on Tanner Shoes. "
Now, you're my manager
down here...
...and you've got
to put this store over.
And furthermore,
don't talk back to me.
But I didn't say anything.
I was only thinking...
Don't even think back to me!
I won't have it!
You're here to sell shoes,
not to think.
And if I don't see
some results...
...when I get back here
on my next trip, you're fired.
Now, do you understand me?
You're fired!
Give me a match.
Never mind,
I'll light it myself.
Thank you, come again soon.
There you are.
Sets your foot off beautifully.
Now, that's the, uh, 4A...
...or what we call
"the perfect model. "
What is it?
Oh, why, Madam!
The leather, uh... Uh...
The leather
in the Tanner Shoe...
...is made from the hides
of contented cows.
Now, I think
they're very becoming.
What do you think?
I think you'd better cut out
this tomfoolery.
Go up front
and help trim that window.
Yes, sir.
I... I was just practicing
to be a salesman, Mr. Endicott.
You'll never make a salesman.
is 98% personality...
...and that's something
you haven't got.
Oh, yes I have. Look.
Ah! That's not personality,
that's stupidity.
Get up front and help Williams
trim that window.
Yes, sir.
It looks very nice.
Yes, it looks smart, too.
You know, it's a 4A...
...for what we call
"the perfect foot. "
Notice how snug it fits?
And I have a new sport model
I'd like to show you.
I'd like very much to see it.
Will you pardon me a minute?
I'd like you
to show me something...
...in a white Deauville, please.
- Yes, will you be seated?
- Thank you.
I'll have a man wait on you
right away.
Where's the other leg?
I'm gonna get it.
I'll be right back.
- Pardon me.
- Why, of course.
Now, what in the world
is the matter, Madam?
I never was so insulted
in my life!
I think that left foot's
a little tight.
- Haven't you a larger size?
- Uh, no, I haven't.
But I can have it stretched
for you...
...and make it very comfortable.
All right, and while
that's being done...
...will you show me
that sport shoe there?
Surely. Boy!
Stretch this shoe.
Does that feel all right?
- Yes.
- Hey.
Just let me lace it up for you.
Well, I think
it's a little tight.
A little tight?
Just let me take it off
and stretch it for you.
There, how's that?
That's all right.
I like that shoe very much.
That shoe he's stretching
looked very serviceable.
I doubt, Madam, if you'll ever
be able to wear it out.
Here, you may leave
fifteen minutes early...
...and deliver these
on your way home.
Yes, sir.
- How does that feel?
- That feels fine.
I thought it would.
You know, Madam, your instep
is much too beautiful...
...to be spoiled
by a short-vamped shoe.
- Oh, do you really think so?
- I certainly do.
Now, that feels very well
in there, doesn't it?
- Yes, it does.
- And it's comfortable?
Madam, your instep
is much too beautiful...
...to be spoiled by a sh...
Yes, ma'am. Always, yes, ma'am.
Would you get me
a glass of water?
Yes, ma'am.
Oh! Oh! You... You idiot!
Oh, of all the dumb tricks!
Look at me! You... You...
Henry, did you put
my music in the car?
Yes, Miss.
It's right on the back seat.
Oh, I have it. Here it is.
Say, pansy.
Yeah? He ain't got no right
bustin' into my car...
...that way, either.
Anyway, I think he did it
on purpose.
Get back in the car, Henry.
Don't pay any attention
to this big brute.
Say, lady,
this is a private scrap.
I'll pull that guy
out of the car and...
Here, here. What do you mean
by using that tone of voice...
...to this young lady?
Why, you ought to be
ashamed of yourself.
Besides, you have no right...
...leaving your car parked here
in other people's way.
Now, listen,
if this happens again...
I'm going to see to it
Why don't you get a shave?
It's too bad
that this had to happen, Miss.
If he annoys you again,
you just let me know.
Thank you very much.
Oh, oh, the pleasure's
really all mine.
- Good-bye.
- Good-bye.
- Oh.
- Oh.
Oh, I-I'll get it.
I don't know how I can ever
thank you, Mister...
- Harold.
- Mr. Harold.
Uh, now,
let that be a lesson to you.
Listen, Kramer,
you're an incompetent idiot.
You haven't got any more
backbone than a steamed clam.
Now, you get busy
and get some results...
...or you're discharged,
understand me?
D- i-s... You're fired!
Get me that number back again.
I know, I know.
Hello? Hello.
Is this you, Kramer?
Did I call you an idiot?
I did. OK.
Mr. Tanner,
is there something wrong?
Something? Everything.
If the rest of the people
I have working for me...
...were half as efficient
as you are...
I'd be happy as a schoolboy.
There's no such thing
as a perfect man.
Oh, Mr. Tanner,
I think you're mistaken.
There is.
- There is what?
- A perfect man.
Have you been
holding out on me, young lady?
I met him this afternoon.
She is beautiful.
You know, Mr. Carson...
I... I've always dreamed
of meeting the one girl.
Today I... I went around
the corner, and there she was.
You've got it bad,
haven't you, my son?
Say, are you gonna talk
about that girl all night...
...or are you going
to thread my needle for me?
Huh? Oh, I almost forgot.
I'll get it right away,
Mr. Carson.
When are you gonna
see her again?
Never, I guess.
She's rich, got a big car.
Besides, what chance have I
with eighteen a week?
You'll soon be making
more money than that.
You're going to be a salesman
in a very little while.
A salesman.
A lot of good that'll do.
You know, Mr. Carson...
...up till today, I thought being
a salesman was something great.
Gee, a girl that comes
from a family like that, why...
...she wouldn't give a salesman
a second look.
Oh, but you are not
always going to be a salesman.
Keep driving on,
and then perhaps...
...you will come to be
manager of the store.
Who knows?
In a very little while...
...you may be
president of the company.
Oh, but that's liable
to take two or three months.
There's got to be
a shortcut somewhere.
Now, then, if I could only
meet her on her own level.
And I'm going to do it, too.
Stick to it, my son.
That's it... Sticking.
That's the only way.
I wish only I had stuck.
Sticking to it, huh?
And now, gentlemen, we come
to the subject of leather.
Very few people realize
what leather really is...
...and what it means to mankind.
Where would we be
without leather?
I ask you.
It's leather that turns
the wheels of our industries!
It's leather
in the time of war...
...furnishes our horses with
harness to pull the cannons...
...to conquer our enemies!
And then, where would
Napoleon have been...
...without leather
to make a saddle?
He'd have been riding bareback!
And then think!
Think of shoes!
Without them,
we would be uncivilized.
Barefoot like tea garoni.
Could we walk through
snow and slush barefoot?
Could we walk
through the desert barefoot?
No! A thousand times no!
That's the way
you should've talked...
...at the American Club
two months ago.
That was splendid.
Yes, I... I know, Mr. Carson,
it's... it's all right.
I can do it here in the room...
...but, I don't know, when I get
out with important people...
...gee, I... I... I get
all goose pimples.
Gee, I open my mouth,
and nothing comes out.
Oh, well, I guess
you didn't want the girl...
...as much as you thought you did.
Oh, yes, but I do!
Now you listen to me!
You go to the Embassy Club
tonight and speak right up!
When you meet
those big businessmen...
...use your correspondence courses!
Impress them!
You look the part. Act it!
Sell yourself!
I'll do it! I will!
Now, nothing's gonna stop me
this time!
I hope that's a mistake.
That's a very unfriendly knock.
It's Ferguson,
the dress suit man.
I think he's after payment
on his suit.
Gee, if I pay him now, I won't
have any money for tonight.
Now what am I gonna do?
Out the window,
down the fire escape.
Great! Great!
Your hat!
- Say, son...
- Hmm?
Have you got that guest card
that I found?
Yes, I got it.
Don't forget. Stick to it!
Yeah, I will.
- Good evening, Mr. Fleming.
- Good evening.
Good evening, sir.
Are you a member?
Oh, uh, son,
have you seen Charlie?
- Charlie?
- Yes.
- Who is Charlie?
- What? You don't know Charlie?
- No, sir.
- Well, he walks like this.
I beg your pardon.
What's the name?
Uh, Jones.
Which Mr. Jones?
Why, the Mr. Jones.
Uh, have you a telegram
for Mr. Jones?
Yes, sir.
Charge is 75 cents.
Wrong Jones.
Uh, keep this handy.
I may be leaving suddenly.
Oh, I beg your pardon.
Your Honor,
I have been drinking.
But only a little one, I...
Oh, pardon me.
- You forgot something.
- Something?
Oh... You saved my life.
I'm going to do something
for you.
Anything you want,
you just tell me.
That's all right.
Oh, whoa, so you wanna rassle?
Oh, no, no, no! Please, now.
This is hardly the place
for that.
Well, listen, I know a nice
little place out here, come on.
A great little...
I really, I've got
someplace else I've got...
Oh, come on, now,
and I'll buy you a little drink.
No, really, I never drink.
Well, what do you do,
dip your bread in it?
Come on.
What business are you in?
Oh, uh, uh, I'm in the, uh,
the leather business.
Oh, that's what they make cows
out of, ain't it?
Heh. Why, certainly not.
That's where
the leather comes from.
They make a lot of things
out of it.
They make shoes and...
That reminds me,
I know a chap you must meet.
Wait a minute. He's a big shoe
and slipper man from the States.
Do you a lot of good.
I have his card here
someplace, now...
Will you look at that?
Lady Pillsbury.
Oh! Lady Pillsbury?
That big bum.
She was way out in front,
and Mexican Pete nosed her out.
Oh, I see.
Lady Pillsbury's a racehorse.
What did you think she was,
a mockingbird?
No, no, uh...
Yes, I met her last night.
To me, Lady Pillsbury...
...is one of the most charming
women I have ever met.
Oh, do tell me more about her.
Yes, do tell us.
Just a minute, just a minute.
I want you to meet
a friend of mine.
This is Mr. Edgar Cowhide,
a big leather fellow.
- Why, pleased to meet you.
- Pleased to meet you.
Say, you guys should sort of
get together.
Oh, Charlie, you wait here.
I'm going out and get
a glass of bromo suss...
...bromo suss...
A cup of tea. I'll be back.
Yes, uh...
Yes, quite
a droll fellow, huh?
We were just speaking
of Lady Pillsbury.
Oh, really? Hmm.
Yes, she is really
very remarkable.
Well, she was, but not anymore.
Do you know her?
Yes, yes,
oh, I know her well, heh.
Slim legs, brown body,
and a white spot on the head.
Oh, my!
You know, she shouldn't be
allowed in public.
All out of condition.
Fat, flabby...
the old oat burner.
Are you speaking
of the Lady Pillsbury?
Yes, positively.
And listen, take a tip from me
and lay off of this baby.
Heh, why, she should be
pulling a milk wagon.
Well, I shall report that
to the...
I'm awfully sorry.
I'm sure it's been overlooked.
I'll ask him about it
in the morning...
...and let you know immediately.
Yes, thank you very much.
Why, hello!
I... I... I didn't think
you'd remember me.
And I thought you had
forgotten all about me.
Oh, no, my gracious,
I couldn't...
Gee, every time I see
a truck driver, I think of you.
Oh, well, uh, you see,
what I mean is, heh...
...if it hadn't been for that
particular truck driver...
...well, I might not
have ever met you.
Oh, that's different.
That seems a long time ago, too.
Must be all of six months.
Six months, three weeks,
and two days.
- Well!
- Oh...
Well, I'm glad
you did remember, anyway.
Uh, yes.
Gee, but you don't know
what glad really means.
I never thought
a boy like you...
...would give a girl like me
a second thought.
A... A boy like me?
Yes. You have so many things
to think about...
...golf, bridge, tennis,
so many things.
Oh, yes, well, I, uh...
I do think of them
from time to time.
Of course, I suppose you go in
for golf and tennis a lot.
Oh, no, I haven't the time.
Oh. Oh, well, I understand.
I love an athlete.
You do?
Oh. What's his name?
Oh, no! I mean I admire
the athletic type.
Like yourself.
Like me?
- Yes.
- Oh.
I bet you're a corker at polo.
Oh, well...
I, uh... I never bet.
Oh! What was that?
I guess it was an earthquake.
I'm sorry.
Oh, we're all tangled up.
Hmm? Oh.
Oh, what do you think of that?
I'll get it.
These beads
are such a nuisance.
I shouldn't have worn them.
Oh, I think these are the nicest
beads that I've ever seen.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- Am I?
- Isn't it lovely...
- I think that...
Everyone seems
to be having a glorious time.
Yes, don't they?
Well, well, I'm having
a fine time, great time.
We're all tangled up again.
Well, what do you think of that?
- I'll get it.
- Oh, no, no. I'll get it.
Are you getting along all right?
Well, I don't know.
I've never been tangled
with a pretty girl before.
It's so lovely here.
I hate to think of leaving.
Yes, we're going to the mainland
at the end of the week.
Are you thinking
of going to the States soon?
Well, I don't know.
The way things
have been going, well...
...anything might happen.
Wouldn't it be a coincidence...
...if we both sailed
on the same boat?
It'd be a miracle.
Ooh, old Kid Leather himself.
He knows more about leather than
a husband knows about trouble.
Mr. Tanner, meet Mister, uh...
- Mister, uh...
- Harold.
Harold. Mr. Harold,
Mr. Tanner is a shoemaker.
- Tanner?
- Yes.
I'm very pleased to meet you,
I'm sure.
I'm in the shoe manufacturing
No doubt you've heard
of Tanner Shoe stores.
Oh, yes, sir.
Yes, I've been in them
quite a bit.
This is the young man
I was telling you about.
The one that helped me
with the truck driver.
Oh, yes, you did say
something about that.
Well, this is indeed
a pleasure...
...to meet someone
whose interests...
...are practically
the same as mine.
Oh, yes, yes, that's right.
Ooh. I gotta get
a bromo switch... A little...
- A peculiar boy.
- Yes.
So, uh, you're
in the leather business, huh?
Oh, yes, yes, yes.
You see, Mr. Tanner...
...very few people realize
what leather really is...
...and what it means to mankind.
It's leather
in the time of war...
...furnishes our horses
with harness...
...to pull the cannons,
to conquer our enemies.
Where would Napoleon
have been...
...without leather
to make a saddle?
Heh. Why, he would've been
riding bareback.
And then think of shoes.
Could we walk through
snow and slush barefoot?
- No!
- No!
Could we walk
through the desert barefoot?
- No!
- No! A thousand times no!
Why, shoes are the greatest
things in the world.
Heh, we should thank heaven
for shoes, Mr. Tanner.
Quite so, quite so.
Say, you seem
to have made a study of it.
Oh, well, heh, I am studying
one thing or another...
...most of the time, heh.
Where do you make
your headquarters?
Hmm? Oh, uh,
oh, practically anywhere.
Oh, quite a globe trotter.
We're leaving ourselves
by the end of the week.
I don't suppose,
by any chance...
...that you'll be going back
to America on the same boat?
Uh, well, yes, and no.
You see, the fact is...
I thought I heard a bell.
So did I.
Oh, well, you hear
a lot of funny things...
...down here in the tropics.
Mosquitoes and dragons
and bananas and...
Oh, pardon me.
Uh, yes? Yes.
Yes, ye... No! No.
Yes, now,
as I was about to say...
No, no, I don't want to hear
anything further about it.
Well, uh, now, uh...
...there is, uh...
yes, uh, there's just a chance.
That's a way out.
But $50,000 is tough.
Those interruptions are, uh,
very annoying, aren't they?
I'm terribly sorry.
Uh, what was it I was, um...
Oh, Mr. Harold, I realize
what it means to be busy.
Oh, yeah.
What? It's a lie!
Hello, hello, hello.
I... Oh, look.
There's a big shoot-and-boo man
in there you must meet.
Good, I'm glad to hear it.
Well, how's everything
with you now?
Oh, no, no, I, uh...
- Oh, don't be blashful.
- I'll be right back.
Now, now, please, now, wait.
He seems like
a very bright young fellow.
He must be, to be
in the position he is today.
No, no, no, no, no.
I don't think
I'll go over there.
Well, I'll bring him over here.
Oh, Mr. Endicott...
Mr. Endicott.
I want you to meet Mister...
Mister... S'gone!
Somebody stole my pal!
Somebody stole my pal.
My pal.
- Why, here he is now.
- Eh?
I beg your pardon, sir.
- Here's Charlie.
- Huh?
- Charlie?
- Yes, sir.
Charlie who?
Why, the Charlie
you were asking for.
Oh, well,
that's not the Charlie I mean.
The Charlie I mean,
he walks like this.
Say, what sort of a game
are you playing on me here?
Madam, your instep
is much too beautiful...
...to be spoiled
by a short vamp shoe.
Do you really think so?
Think so? Why, Madam, if it
were not for the disloyalty...
...to my firm, I assure you
I would not allow it...
...to be covered by a shoe.
That foot belongs to the statue
of a Greek goddess.
Really? Well, I'll wear these,
and you can send me three pair.
Oh, certainly. Three?
- Four.
- I'll wrap up five pair.
Oh, all right.
And here is the address.
Are you sure
they'll be delivered today?
Madam, the shoes
will be home ahead of you.
Thank you.
Good work. Keep it up.
That's what I mean.
That's personality.
There, that's just
what I'm looking for.
A low cut model with a strap.
Why, that shoe has no strap,
Mrs. Tanner.
Well, that was
most absurd of me.
While you're selecting
your shoes...
I'm going over here
to look for some stockings.
Very well.
Good morning, Monsieur... Uh,
Good morning.
- Uh, be seated, please.
- Thank you.
Are you looking for something
in the way of shoes?
Yes, I'm interested
in that Queen's model...
...you have in the window.
I'll take three or four pair
if you have them in my size.
Now, that's too bad.
Well, what's too bad,
young man?
Why, Madam, your instep
is much too beautiful...
...to be spoiled
by a short vamp shoe.
Thank you.
Why, that foot
would do justice...
...to the statue
of a Greek goddess.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Pardon me just a moment.
These are the stockings
I was telling you about.
Why, they're really an excellent
quality, aren't they?
Would you like me
to order some for you?
Order me three pair,
will you?
All right.
This, uh...
This is, uh...
...one of our latest models
in sportswear.
- Pretty.
- Yes. I hope you like it.
What are you doing?
I beg your pardon. My mistake.
Madame, your instep
is much too beautiful...
...to be spoiled
by a short vamp shoe.
- You said that before.
- I repeat it!
Well, it does look rather nice.
On your feet,
any shoe would look lovely.
Even a horseshoe.
I beg your pardon.
I mean that if anyone
deliberately set out to...
...they couldn't spoil
the beauty and symmetry...
...of a foot like that.
Well, now, that is charming
of you to say that.
Oh, not at all.
It's the truth,
and the truth never hurts.
I'll think I'll have
four pair of those.
Yes, surely.
Oh, never mind the check.
I'll explain to my husband.
I am Mrs. Tanner.
- Mrs. Tanner?
- Yes.
Mrs. John Quincy Tanner?
The same.
Oh, well,
now does that feel comfortable?
Young man, you are insolent.
- Beg your pardon.
- Well, you should.
I am very sorry.
- I didn't mean it.
- No.
I was just a little fussed,
- Yes.
- And, you see...
...it's a great honor
to be waiting on Mrs. John...
Well, of course, if you're going
to put it like that.
Now, if you'd stand up,
please, and try those.
Yes, certainly.
I always like to try...
Oh, my goodness.
- Unhand me!
- I'm sorry!
Well, it's a good thing
that you're so light...
...or you might have hurt yourself.
Well, I have been dieting
Yes, you can really tell that.
I tried rowing for a while.
Well, dieting
is a very nice habit.
- Yes, it is.
- Personally, I prefer fish.
Huh? Oh.
Now then, uh, these are a model
that we're very proud of.
Well, sir, I never had such
a comfortable shoe on my foot.
- Really?
- How do you like these, Madam?
- How much are they?
- Just $15.
$15? Ridiculous!
- Put the old ones back on.
- Yes, Ma'am.
Why, they're gone!
Gone? What do you mean, gone?
I had them on when I came in.
Yes, Ma'am.
Why, there they are!
Lady, you've got on my shoes.
Take them off immediately.
Why, what...
Young man,
you're to blame for this.
You take those horrible shoes
off my feet.
Horrible shoes?
Well, my shoes are no more
horrible than yours.
I've got a very dainty foot.
- Are you ready?
- Yes, just about.
I want to buy some lace
next door.
I'll meet you in the car.
Well, I'll be with you
right away.
Say no more about it.
Say no more about it.
Well, I can't imagine
how such a thing could happen.
No, of course you couldn't.
Well, Mrs. Tanner,
it's never happen again.
I know very well it won't,
because you won't be here.
Oh, please.
- What is it?
- Pardon me.
Now what are you doing?
That's a bright move.
Are you deliberately trying
to make a fool out of me?
Yes, Ma'am... No, Ma'am!
You get my shoe and get it on
my foot. Let me get out of here.
You'll hear from this,
young man.
You'll find out that you can't
insult Mrs. Tanner...
...with impunity
and get away with it.
You'll hear from me later
regarding this...
Oh, oh, oh!
Oh, I'm on fire!
Hurry, police! Water!
Something has got to help me!
Don't stand there
like a wooden Indian!
Officer, is it all right
to take these shoes aboard?
No, son, you can't go on.
But I gave the lady
my personal assurance...
...that I would take them aboard!
Well, all right,
but make it snappy.
- We're sailing in five minutes.
- Yes, sir.
All right, I will.
All ashore that's going ashore!
- Oh, Mr. Harold!
- Huh?
- Oh!
- Oh, hello!
- Hello!
- Well, hello.
I'm so glad
you're going to be onboard.
Oh, yes.
We'll have a glorious time
on the trip to the mainland...
...won't we?
Uh, that's right.
Oh, there are the folks.
They'll be glad to see you.
Come on!
Oh, but now...
There's that woman that we met
at the Royal Hawaiian Hotel.
- Huh? Let's see.
- There.
Aw, you're crazy.
That's not that woman at all.
Now, just what do you mean?
Say, you've got
the funniest complex.
You think you've met
everybody that you see.
Yes? Really?
Look who's here!
- Well!
- Hello.
And what do you think?
He's going with us!
Well, Mr. Harold, now,
it's a pleasure to have you...
...with us on the trip.
Oh, this is my wife,
Mrs. Tanner.
This is Mr. Harold.
- Harold. Harold?
- How do you do?
Why, haven't we met
someplace before?
Well, uh, that's
quite possible Mrs. Tanner.
You see, I, uh,
I might have been there.
There you go with that
funny complex of yours again.
She's always mistaking
somebody for somebody else.
- She's funny that way.
- Thank you, darling!
Well, they'll be leaving
any moment now.
Let's go up front
and see the excitement.
Uh, well, uh,
you know, I'll be right back.
I've got to get some cigars.
Oh, here now, don't bother.
Why, try one of mine.
Someday they'll make
one way cigars.
- Barbara.
- Yes?
Is that or is that not
the woman that we met...
...at The Royal Hawaiian?
And I'm sure I've seen this
Mr. Harold someplace before.
Why, you haven't bitten off
the end.
Oh, that's right.
Well, how is the leather
business this morning?
Things look pretty tough.
Hmm. They don't to me.
Well, perhaps you don't know
what I know.
What do you know?
Oh, by the way,
you know, I just remembered.
I must send a wireless.
I'll be right back.
Oh now, here, don't bother!
Why, that boy over there'll
take it for you.
Oh, uh... Oh, yeah.
Oh, uh, Sergeant!
Come here!
Barbara says I am right.
That is the woman we met
at the Royal Hawaiian.
Just a moment.
Come back and repeat what's
written on that card right away.
Uh, marvelous thing,
the wireless.
No wires to break
or get out of order.
We ought to have
a marvelous trip.
Yes, that's right.
Madam, your instep
is much too beautiful...
...to be spoiled
by a short vamp shoe.
Huh? What?
Did you say something?
Oh, nothing at all, Mrs. Tanner.
Nothing at all.
You see, we always
send our messages in code.
We find it much safer.
That'll be all, Elmer.
Oh, say, speaking
of the leather business...
Oh, uh, by the way, you know...
I just remembered,
I've got to see the purser.
- I'll be right back.
- I'll go with you.
I want to see him, too.
Oh, well, that's just dandy.
His office is down this way.
Oh, well, when did he move?
Do you know,
his face bothers me.
Oh, you were born bothered.
Oh, really?
I was so surprised
to run into you.
Your being here
is so unexpected.
Yes, it was.
- Here's the purser's office.
- Oh, yes, that's right.
Now, where's my hat?
Oh, I've lost my...
you go right on in.
I'll get my hat,
and I'll be right back.
Go right ahead.
I'll be right back.
I beg your pardon,
but have you a ticket?
Uh, well, why... why certainly.
- You don't think that...
- Oh, no offense.
I found one, and I'm merely
trying to locate the owner.
Oh, say...
...was that a blue ticket?
No, it was a pink one.
Oh, it would be.
Hey, put a little water
over here.
I love you.
- Who do you love next?
- You.
Who do you love next and next?
You, you.
Who do you love
next and next and next?
You, you, you, you, you.
- No, you don't.
- Yes, I do.
- You don't.
- I do.
- No, you don't.
- Oh, yes, I do.
- No, you don't.
- Yes, I do.
- Oh, no, you don't.
- Oh, yes, I do.
- No, you don't.
- I do.
Uh, steward.
Uh, serve my breakfast
up on deck, also.
What's your table number, sir?
Oh, now,
I must have forgotten it.
- Well, never mind, let it go.
- Yes, sir.
Well, good morning, Sergeant.
You know, I'll bet
that's a roast beef sandwich.
Yes, sir. Well, sir, you know,
I think that instead...
...of going below, I'll just
eat a bite up here on deck.
Oh, by the way...
I'm surprised at you!
Why, you ought to be
ashamed of yourself.
Eating a sandwich here
when you should be working.
Huh, disgusting.
Where's your ambition?
Let me tell you something.
It's men like you
that give sailors a bad name.
You know, to be a success...
...you've got to work
twenty-four hours a day.
Longer, if necessary.
Remember, a rolling stone
gathers no moss.
That's the idea, young man.
Oh, how do you do, Mr. Tanner?
How do you do?
That's the spirit I like to see.
Young fella,
you follow his advice...
...and you'll amount to something.
How about a stroll
along the deck...
...to work up an appetite, huh?
Oh, well, uh... Remember,
think more and eat less.
No, I was just giving him
a little more advice.
Oh, by the way, have a cigar.
- Oh, no, now...
- Now, don't apologize.
I should apologize,
but it's the best I've got.
Beat you that time.
- Good morning.
- Oh, good morning.
Good morning. We were just
taking a constitutional.
Oh, well,
we were just taking a walk.
I don't believe
I'll do very much walking.
My feet are just killing me.
Come on over here and sit down.
No use torturing your feet.
You ought to have sense enough
to get shoes that fit you.
Well, did you sleep well
last night, Miss Tanner?
What did you say?
Well, I said did you sleep well
last night, Miss Tanner?
Not so good. It was a little
stuffy in my stateroom.
Did it bother you?
Uh, no, no, I had
all the air I could stand.
Let's go down for breakfast.
Oh. No, you see, uh,
I don't think so.
I never eat breakfast.
No, you see,
my father never ate breakfast.
In fact, it runs in the family.
Oh, I hate to eat alone.
I'll have my breakfast
up on deck...
...and you can sit with me.
Well, all right. Surely.
- All right. Steward.
- Yes, Ma'am?
I'll have my breakfast
on the upper deck.
Yes, Ma'am.
Come on.
It's funny
you don't eat breakfast.
It's my favorite meal.
Have you been
going without breakfast long?
Well, long enough.
Don't you ever feel tempted
to eat breakfast?
Oh, yes, I do.
But it's willpower.
Oh, indeed, yes.
Say, isn't it nice
eating up here on deck?
Much nicer than the dining room.
You know, last night
I sat opposite to a man...
...that had the manners of a zoo.
- He did?
- Yeah, he dunked.
Think of that, he dunked!
- Dunked?
- Yes.
He dunked like this.
He took a piece of toast...
...jammed it down
into his coffee, so.
Got lots of coffee on it,
and then...
Think of that.
Wasn't that terrible?
- Disgusting.
- Yeah, wasn't it?
But he kept right on.
I was sitting right there.
He kept right on.
- Stuck it down in there.
- Oh!
Yeah, like that and took it...
- Wasn't that disgusting?
- Horrible.
I never saw anybody
that would do such a thing.
I could hardly stand...
and then on top of it, look.
He poured his coffee
into his saucer.
Used the backstroke like that.
Then he took the saucer
and went...
He made that noise?
A terrible noise. Oh, well,
I could hardly stand it.
- Disgusting.
- Mm-hmm.
Oh, now, look at that.
I drank most of your coffee.
Oh, that's all right.
There's plenty more.
I only want a little.
Oh, well...
Oh, look at
those cute little things.
You know, I haven't played
with these since I was a boy.
Look, it's a cute trick.
Easy, huh? You try it.
- Oh, I couldn't.
- Oh, it's easy.
Nothing to it.
Here, you throw one up for me.
There you are.
You're just like a seal.
Yeah, that's what I was told.
When I was a boy I used to go...
You're lots of fun.
Do you know any more tricks?
Uh, me-me-me-me.
If a body meets a body
coming through the rye...
Dum de dam dam...
Doop e doop e...
Look, isn't he cute?
Here, give him a piece
of my meat.
Well, my goodness sakes.
That nice ham.
Here you are.
There you are. Nice.
He certainly does like ham.
Mmm, oh, yes,
that's a fine piece.
That's just fine.
Here you are.
Oh, it's a nice dog.
Let's see. Would you like
one of these? Hmm?
Would ya?
Yes, he liked that.
Now, let's see.
Now, look at him. Look at him.
Here you are.
Tried to eat my finger, too.
My magazine's gone, and I was
reading a continued story.
All right, don't cry about it!
Sit down
and I'll get you another.
There's a hundred more
at the newsstand.
- Then go get me one.
- All right.
Uh, excuse me, I've, uh...
I've got about a hundred things
I have to take care of.
Oh. Don't be long.
Looking for something
in particular?
Yes. Have you got
an Everywhere magazine?
Yes, right here.
Oh, well, how much are they?
- Five cents.
- Oh, fair enough.
Thank you.
Miss, have you
an Everywhere magazine?
Yes, we have a...
Well, that's funny,
they were here a minute ago.
Stick 'em up.
Here, read the nice magazine
while mother gets her hat.
Hello. Hello, there.
Can the nice man
have the nice magazine? Huh?
Shh. Oh, shh shh shh.
Shh, there, there,
there, there, there.
Shh. Here, here, here, here.
Ooh, look at that.
Take the nice little...
Why, precious,
where did you get that?
Here, get the little hands
all sticky.
Yes. Fix it up with this.
Yes. All right?
All right, here you are.
Take it. Here.
What, you don't want
nasty old paper?
All right, there we are.
Here. Here, darling.
Oh, Mack, that's grand.
Play some more. Isn't he good?
- He's marvelous.
- I'll say he is.
Hello, Charlotte,
where have you been all morning?
Oh, just hanging around. Have
you seen anyone interesting?
Just this lunatic
who's been following me...
...all over deck this morning.
Honestly, if there's anything
funny around, I get it.
What have you been doing?
I've been talking...
...to that ducky-looking officer
over there.
We've been down to
the engine room and everywhere.
Oh, how thrilling.
How do you do?
Oh, well, I beg your pardon.
Why, you fresh thing.
I have a good notion
to slap your face.
Pardon me.
Come on, Charlotte. Let's go.
I've never met anyone like that.
By the way, Captain.
I certainly want to thank you.
Thank you for the wonderful
courtesy that you did.
Why, hello there,
young fella.
Hey, you're not smoking.
Here, have a cigar.
Oh, thank you.
Oh, I have a match. Thanks.
Well, I told you
it would be a marvelous trip.
Nice and cool, too.
It looks like
it, uh, might warm up a bit.
Well, uh, are you going
for a walk?
Uh, yes.
Which way are you going?
Why, I'm going this way.
Oh, well, I'm going this way.
Say, young man,
what are you doing?
That magazine cost me a nickel.
And you've gone
and knocked it overboard.
Uh, read less and think more.
Well, you two
shouldn't be sitting there.
Walk around. They say it's great
for the appetite.
Well, sir, all food and no play
makes Jack a dull boy.
You see, there's nothing wrong
with my appetite.
No? Well, I'm from Missouri.
You've got to show me.
How about joining us
at dinner tonight?
Oh, do.
Oh, gee, well, surely.
You've got no idea
how delighted I'd be.
All right.
You know, Mr. Harold,
I'm still trying to place you.
And I'm going to do it
sooner or later.
She's funny that way.
- Forward march.
- Don't you hurry me.
First call to dinner.
- Uh, Steward?
- Yes, sir?
What's everybody
all dressed up about?
What's the matter?
Is there a wedding or something?
No, just the usual thing, sir.
Everyone dresses for dinner
aboard ship.
Oh. Well, is it the law?
No, sir, it's just a custom.
- Custom?
- Yes, sir.
But, of course, no one would
think of going to dinner...
...unless properly dressed, sir.
- Thank you.
- Yes, sir.
Hello, Harry.
What's the matter?
Feel a little shaky?
Yes. I had to come up
and get some air.
I don't want to miss
that ship's concert today.
Say, have you got
an extra white vest?
Well, sure, there's a couple
in my trunk.
What size do you wear?
Now, that's a little too small.
I'll have to get one from Bill.
Thanks just the same.
Uh, good evening.
What's good about it?
What's the matter?
Feeling upset?
Yes, I'm not a good sailor.
I must've eaten something
that disagreed with me.
Oh, well, that's too bad.
You, uh, get sick easily?
Oh, very easily.
So do I. Yes, sir.
Say, that's a nice suit
you have on there.
What size is it? About 36?
Yeah, I wear 36.
You know,
speaking of getting sick...
...they fed me this morning
some greasy salt pork.
For breakfast.
Oh, yeah, didn't do me
a bit of good.
Oh, please,
must you talk about salt pork?
Oh, now I beg your pardon.
Now, I'm sorry
I mentioned salt pork.
You see, I don't like
salt pork a bit. No, sir.
But, you know, when
you're on a ship like this...
...and it's rocking,
and it smells of oil... Ooh...
...salt pork
certainly is upsetting.
I could've gotten away
with that pork...
...but they gave me
a lot of codfish and cream.
- Ohhh.
- Oh, yeah, very bad.
Say, you know what, man?
I tell you what you need.
A walk.
I'm telling you that's the only
thing that saved my life...
...when they gave me
that salt pork for breakfast.
Yes, sir. I'm telling you.
Here's another thing.
When they gave me
the salt pork...
...on the same plate
they put a big mess of spinach.
And it was all soft and gooey.
It's all right, old man.
I'll tell you now, come on.
Let's take a walk.
It'll do you good.
Liable to do me good, too.
Say, uh, how about
steamed clams? You like them?
Come on now. Let's get moving.
No, never give in. No, sir.
Keep a stiff upper lip.
Now, look at here. This fella's
worse off than you are.
Oh, boy,
he must've had salt pork.
Wait a minute now.
Wouldn't you like to have me
take you to your room?
Yean, take me up to my room
and let me die.
Sure. I'll take you
and put you to bed.
And then I'll dress for dinner.
Come on.
It's all right.
We're the best of friends.
But remember, don't hand me
any more of those loaded cigars.
Oh, don't get sore over that.
Oh, that's all... Oh, I see
Adler won the ship's pool!
Yeah, he's a lucky hound.
I'll say he is. Who do you like
in that fourth race?
Let's see, the fourth race...
Oh, I don't know.
I think I like...
Say! If that's your idea
of a joke, laugh that off!
Oh, you think it's a joke,
do ya?
Now that's going too far!
Well, let me see.
Oh, all right,
I can stand for a lot.
Well, take it off.
Now, listen, if you want
to start something with me...
...why don't you start it?
- Well, why don't you start?
- Why don't you start, huh?
Don't shove me like that!
Well, I will shove you
like that.
Uh, pardon me, gentlemen.
Pardon me.
Hey, wait a minute.
You got my coat there.
I have not got your coat.
- Why, this is my coat.
- This is not my coat.
That's my coat,
and I say it's my coat!
Well, that certainly was
a grand dinner.
Whoo. Yes, sir, you know...
I can't remember when
I've enjoyed eating so much.
Sorry, I can't offer you
a cigar. I'm all out.
You haven't one, have you?
No, no. I, uh, I...
Hey, well,
I didn't know I had it.
Oh, I've just got to sit down.
Oh, my. Oh, my word.
Oh, these shoes
are just killing me.
Oh, I'm awfully sorry,
Mrs. Tanner.
Maybe if I ease them up a bit?
Oh, don't trouble...
- Oh, no trouble.
- Well, that's nice of you.
- I'll just soften the heel.
- Thank you.
It might help a little.
There you are.
Be careful.
Madam, your instep is much...
Now I know
where I saw you before.
You're the young man that
waited on me in the shoe store.
Aren't you? Aren't you?
Oh, that's ridiculous.
Isn't it, Mr. Harold?
There you go with that
funny complex of yours again.
Well, of course,
I might be mistaken.
But his face bothers me.
And you know
that I never forget a face.
Yes, and when we were
traveling in Egypt...
...you thought you knew the Spheex.
Sphinx, if you please.
S- P-i-x... I oughta...
I might be mistaken...
...but I could swear
this is the young man...
...that ruined my feet.
Oh, I feel sure you're mistaken.
Unroll it and cover that hatch.
Yes, sir.
- Who's that guy?
- I don't know.
Looks like a stowaway to me.
Hey, you! Come here!
Hey, stop that fella.
Miss Barbara?
Oh, good morning, Mr. Harold.
Well, good morning.
Miss Tanner, there...
...there's something
that I want to tell you.
Well, I'm listening.
So, there you are.
Now look at this. Look at this.
Why, Mr. Tanner,
what do you mean?
I'll tell you what I mean.
There's the bid
for that Army contract.
That meant
thousands of dollars to me.
Those bids were supposed
to be in Los Angeles...
...by noon on the 16th,
not the 18th.
Now, why didn't you tell me
it was the 16th?
That's tomorrow,
and we don't land for two days.
And now I lose that contract all
on account of your stupidity.
But, Mr. Tanner,
I'm sure I told you the 16th.
You did not.
Now that thing is useless.
And, young lady, as soon as
we get back to the mainland...
I'm getting myself
a new secretary.
And furthermore,
let me tell you some...
Just a moment, Mr. Tanner.
Now remember, where
there's life, there's hope. Ha!
Every cloud has a silver lining.
It's always darkest
just before the dawn.
- An apple a day...
- Shut up, you.
I'm sick and tired of you
and your copybook sayings.
You can't joke your way
through a thing like this.
Ha, yes, but actions speak
louder than words.
That's what you say?
Then let's see some action...
...if you're so smart.
Say, you've been feeding me with
a lot of blub for three days.
Now let's see you do something,
you fathead.
Let's see you get that to
Los Angeles by tomorrow, noon.
All right. I will.
I will get it to Los Angeles.
And you'll find out...
...that where there's a will
there's a way.
- Bah!
- Bah bah!
There's no use. It's impossible.
No, it isn't. No, it isn't.
And you'll see that he who
laughs last, laughs laughs.
There he is.
I'm positive he came in here.
Let's take a look
in the mail room.
Hey, did you see a fella
come in here?
No, sir. Nobody came in here.
All right. Let's go, Bill.
Now, let's get these mail sacks
up on deck.
That mail plane
is due in at any minute now.
What... what's the matter?
Help! Help!
Jack Dempsey's the greatest
fighter that ever lived.
Ah, baloney.
John L. Sullivan could
lick him with his hands tied.
Oh, is that so?
Hey, listen, you don't know
anything about it.
Hey! No!
Hey, man,
what you doing out there?
You ain't no eagle.
Hey! Help me!
Come on around here
and open this window!
My hands are caught.
Oh, wait there.
I'll be back there.
Don't go away now.
How can I go away?
Hurry up, get around here!
Oh, look out!
Help! Help!
I thought I told you
not to go away.
Help me down!
Uh! Hey! Look out, there!
Look out, there!
Look out, there!
I can't hang here much longer.
Hey! Hey! Look out!
Look out, there!
You're crazy.
Ha! Don't talk nonsense.
Help me!
Hey! Hey!
- Tea at 5:00?
- Oh, that'll be splendid!
- Now don't be late.
- I won't.
- And don't forget.
- Good-bye.
Help, somebody. Help!
Help! Help, somebody! Help!
What's all this shouting
going on around here?
There's a man flying around...
...on the outside
of that building needs help.
Right this way.
If this is a joke,
I'll wring your neck.
Show me where he is.
Right this way. Yeah,
there he is. Right this way.
Better not be lying to me.
- No, I ain't lying.
- Where is he?
There he is. Right up there.
What's the matter with you?
You trying to break my neck?
Hey! Charcoal, where are you?
Hey! Charcoal!
Hey, Charcoal!
Help! Charcoal!
- Here I is!
- Huh?
Oh, listen,
get me out of here some way.
Will you? Hurry up, go on!
Get me!
What are you doing there?
Look out, there! Wait a minute!
Don't do that! Let go! Let go!
Come on, get me in here
some other way.
I gotta get in there somehow.
I'll tell you what you do.
You go up to the other window,
and I'm gonna come up there...
...and let you in.
Oh, hey, wait a minute!
I can't climb up there!
Well, all right, Charcoal.
I'm going up.
Hurry, now!
I don't know about this.
Come on,
quit pulling up on that.
I ain't.
- Help!
- Let's go see. Come on.
Hey! Hey!
There's supposed to be
a man hanging.
I don't get your drift.
You know where the side of
the building is supposed to be?
Well, there's supposed
to be a man hanging.
Hey! Hey!
Hey! Look out!
Hold it! Stop it!
Ow! Don't do that!
Hey! Hey!
What are you doing down there?
Hey! Help me! Help me!
What am I gonna do?
Cut it off! Cut it off!
- Cut it off?
- Yes!
I dunno...
There! No, no, wait.
Help! Help!
I had a brother who was
one of Dempsey's trainers...
...and what he told me
about that fight...
Why, listen.
Dooley didn't have a ch...
Hey, there's a man down...
We want you
to settle an argument now.
What's the matter with me?
When Dempsey swings his left,
he comes around like this.
Help! Hey!
You've got him!
Hold on, boy! Hold on!
We'll run and get him some help.
Hey, wait a minute.
Who's gonna hold me?
Never mind, just hold on!
We'll be back in a minute!
Hey! Help!
Help me! Hey!
Hurry, somebody!
What's the matter, buddy?
Are you in trouble?
- Huh?
- Are you in trouble?
I think it was wonderful...
...the way you figured how to get
that bid here by plane.
Oh. Oh, well.
That was mostly luck.
No, it wasn't.
It was because
you stuck to it and made good.
Stuck to it.
Sticking to it, huh?
That's it. Sticking.
Wait a minute.
Huh, sticking, huh?