Fixer Uppers, The (1935) Movie Script
STAN AND HARDY
IN
THE FIXER UPPERS
Good morning, sir.
We're taking orders for Christmas cards.
I designed them myself
and my partner Mr. Laurel
wrote the beautiful verse.
- Swell.
- May I read you one?
- Read 'em.
- Thank you, sir.
"Twas Christmas Day in the poor house
"And the boys were feeling blue
"The boys in grey were fighting
"A merry Christmas to you"
And a happy New Year to you.
We have one here especially for the ladies.
"Jingle bells, jingle bells
coming through the rye
"I wish you a merry Christmas
even as you and I"
You took the very words out of my mouth.
- What's the matter with it?
- No cinnamon!
Ask if he's got a mother.
That generally gets them.
You ask him.
Did you ever have a mother?
Now you hit me.
That's fine. We have one here
dedicated to mothers.
- May I read it to you?
- Read it.
"Merry Christmas, Mother
"Merry Christmas, Ma
"Hi, Mommy-mommy
"and a hot cha-cha"
A beautiful thought.
I'll take one.
Come in.
Good morning, madam.
- What is your business?
- We're taking orders for Christmas cards.
- May we show you our display?
- No, thanks. I'm not interested.
Ask her if she's got a husband.
That gets them.
Pardon the presumption
but you have a husband, of course?
- Yes.
- Now you're right up our alley!
We have one here which I think
is one of Stanley's tenderest thoughts.
Listen to this.
"A merry Christmas, husband,
happy New Year's nigh
"I wish you Easter greetings,
hooray for the Fourth of July"
We call that our four-in-one card.
You can use it all the year round.
No, thanks. I'm still not interested.
Crying?
Did we say something to upset you?
- No.
- Well, what are you crying for?
Oh... you wouldn't be
interested in my troubles.
Why, on the contrary.
I know exactly how you feel.
If you wish to confide in me,
I will leave no stone unturned
to lighten your burden.
Won't you tell me?
Did someone hurt your feelings?
Is it another man?
Did you lose your job?
So you won't talk, huh?
- Did you lose something?
- Yes.
I'm afraid I've lost my husband's affections.
Oh, he still loves me but he doesn't give me
the thoughtful attentions he used to.
If there was just some way
I could bring him to his senses,
make him realise his neglect of me.
You know what? I knew a woman once
that had a case just like yours
but you know what she did?
She got a fella to make love to her
in front of her husband
and it made the husband jealous.
- Then what happened?
- Well... Eh?
- So what?
- Well, when the husband got jealous
his wife knew that he was in love with her
just because he was jealous.
If he hadn't have been jealous,
he wouldn't have paid any attention
to the fella that made him jealous, see?
What'd the husband do?
Go out and shoot the other fella?
No. When the husband found out
he was so pleased that he was jealous,
he took his wife and kissed her
and they went out again
and got married all over
and then he kissed her again...
Just a minute.
What happened to the other fellow?
When the husband found out
he was jealous,
he was so pleased
that the fella had made him jealous
he gave the fella a lot of money
because he'd made him jealous
and they all lived happy ever after.
That's a splendid idea.
Why don't you do that?
I think I will. Will you help me?
- I'm sorry, I can't...
- Oh, please do.
And I'll give you $50.
$50?
Will it take long
to make your husband jealous?
- Not more than a day.
- That's a lot of money for one day.
You can do it cheaper by the week.
Please help me! It means so much to me.
Pardon me just a minute.
Tell me again what happened to the fella
that made love to the wife.
When the husband found out
the fella was jealous...
he took him in his arms
and then he gave his wife a lot of money
and then he kissed the other fella
because he made him jealous
and they went out...
then they all lived happy ever after.
Madam, I am at your service.
Oh, a thousand thanks.
Well, what would you suggest?
This is a little bit out of my line.
- I have it!
- What?
If my husband saw you kissing me...
like he kissed me the first time we met,
I'm sure that would make him jealous.
- How did he kiss you?
- I'll show you.
He had his arms around me like that.
And I put my arms around him.
Like this.
We pressed tightly together.
Then his lips met mine.
Now, when you hear my husband coming,
that's all you have to do.
- Now look what you've done.
- She started it.
Get me a glass of water.
Don't bother me.
- You looking for somebody?
- Yes.
I'm looking for the viper
that destroyed the sanctity of my home.
- Pierre, are you jealous?
- Certainly I'm jealous!
Pierre, I'm so happy!
Now I know you love me.
- Away, you snake in the grass!
- Let me explain...
- There's nothing to explain. I know it all.
- Don't be foolish.
- This gentleman means nothing to me.
- Not a thing!
I'll find out. If I divorce her,
will you marry her
and take care of her the rest of her life?
- Why, no, sir.
- No. Just as I thought.
- What's that for?
- It means that at 12 o'clock tonight,
here in this room,
we will meet in mortal combat.
A duel to the death.
- You're making a terrible mistake.
- A mistake, huh?
Do you realise what you're doing?
You, the best shot in all Paris?
It'll be murder! They'll hang you!
- What do I care?
- Pierre, please, be reasonable.
Why, er... This gentleman
can explain everything.
I remember a fella once
that had a jealous wife...
Scram! You go to your room.
Just a moment.
Don't you fail to be here
tonight at 12 o'clock...
...or I'll track you
to the end of the world.
- I won't, sir.
- Now I'll trouble you for your card.
- Card?
- Yes!
It is the custom of my country
to exchange cards after a challenge.
Have you got a card?
- Thank you.
- Goodbye, sir.
Goodbye.
ARTISTS CAFE
- Two beers. What'll you have?
- I'll have two beers, too.
- Just two beers.
- Yes, sir.
Well, you put me in
a nice spot, didn't you?
What a nice little fixer upper you are.
You knew a woman once!
- Haven't you done enough to me?
- I couldn't help it.
Isn't it bad enough that
I'm going to be shot at midnight
without you making
my last few hours miserable?
You know what? If you don't show up,
he won't be able to shoot you.
Didn't you hear him say
he'd track me to the end of the earth?
Oh, he's full of baloney.
You're just the same sometimes.
Shoot you! Ha! How can he shoot you
if he doesn't know where we are?
He doesn't know where we live.
He hasn't got the address.
Right! If he can't find me,
he can't shoot me.
Certainly.
Simple.
Why didn't you think of that before
instead of letting me worry?
Selfish.
You better phone him up
and tell him you won't be there.
- He might have something else to do.
- That's a good idea.
And I'll also give him a piece of my mind.
He can't trifle with a Hardy!
Hello?
- Is this Mr Pierre?
- Yes.
I'm the fella that you think
you're going to kill tonight.
Listen to me, you cheap brush-pusher.
If you think I'm going to come over there,
you're crazy.
You'd better be here at 12 o'clock!
If you're not, I'll search every corner
of this town till I find you.
Just a moment.
My friend wishes to speak with you.
Hello? This is me.
Yeah. Say, listen, if you had a face like
mine, you'd punch me right in the nose
and I'm just the fella that can do it.
Pierre! Where are you going?
I'm going to find your lover
and kill him on the spot.
It's a lucky thing for him
I decided not to go up there.
It sure is.
See who that is. It might be him.
Hello.
It sure is.
- Who was it?
- Some fella having a joke.
What did he say?
I said, "Hello,"
and the fella said,
"It's a long distance
from Atlanta, Georgia. '
And I said, "It sure is. ' Silly.
I wish there was some way
to put a stop to those jokers.
They get on my nerves.
Give me a small big one.
- I can't serve you any more.
- Oh, come on.
You want me to lose my licence?
Go on, get out of here.
Say, if you help me out, I'll help you out.
Listen, order me a straight whisky,
make out it's for you,
and if you do that for me,
I'll buy all the Christmas cards you got.
Who's gonna pay for the drink?
Sold. Garon.
- Sure this is the right place?
- It must be. It's on his card.
So it is.
Put them to bed, boys.
I think it's over there.
Put them in there, boys.
Is that you, Pierre?
Yes, it's me. Who did you expect?
- What happened?
- Nothing.
- I'm so glad.
- Naturally. But I'll find your lover.
Don't be foolish.
You know you're the only man I ever loved.
Look me in the eyes.
Are you telling me the truth?
Of course it's the truth.
Don't you understand I merely did it to make
you realise you've been neglecting me?
I'm sorry.
And I promise I'll never leave you alone
again as long as I live.
- What are you doing here?
- You told me to be here at 12.
- But not in my wife's bed!
- I got tired of waiting.
Follow me.
What did you want
to bring me back here for?
I don't remember coming back here.
- Well, I'm glad this is going to happen.
- Why?
At least I'll be rid of you.
- Come on!
- I'm coming.
- What'd he say?
- He said... Never mind! Come on!
- Pierre! I didn't know he was here.
- Move! That is more than I can stand.
- Do you understand the rules of this duel?
- No.
We stand back to back, take six paces
and turn and fire.
- The truest shot wins. Understand?
- Yes, sir.
I've taken out the real bullets
and put in blanks,
so when he fires, you pretend to die
and I'll get him out of here
and you make your escape.
Choose your weapon.
This is for you to give the signal to fire.
- Are you ready, monsieur?
- Oui, monsieur. Je suis pret.
Au revoir, madame.
Vive la France!
Now look what you've done.
You would sink so low as
to try and shoot me in the back, you rat?
- We've got to go now!
- Not until I dispose of the body.
I'm going to cut him up into little pieces!
Go on!
- You better get out! Goodbye.
- Goodbye!
Oh, no, you don't!
Oh, Pierre! Pierre!
Pierre!
You can come out now, he's gone.
IN
THE FIXER UPPERS
Good morning, sir.
We're taking orders for Christmas cards.
I designed them myself
and my partner Mr. Laurel
wrote the beautiful verse.
- Swell.
- May I read you one?
- Read 'em.
- Thank you, sir.
"Twas Christmas Day in the poor house
"And the boys were feeling blue
"The boys in grey were fighting
"A merry Christmas to you"
And a happy New Year to you.
We have one here especially for the ladies.
"Jingle bells, jingle bells
coming through the rye
"I wish you a merry Christmas
even as you and I"
You took the very words out of my mouth.
- What's the matter with it?
- No cinnamon!
Ask if he's got a mother.
That generally gets them.
You ask him.
Did you ever have a mother?
Now you hit me.
That's fine. We have one here
dedicated to mothers.
- May I read it to you?
- Read it.
"Merry Christmas, Mother
"Merry Christmas, Ma
"Hi, Mommy-mommy
"and a hot cha-cha"
A beautiful thought.
I'll take one.
Come in.
Good morning, madam.
- What is your business?
- We're taking orders for Christmas cards.
- May we show you our display?
- No, thanks. I'm not interested.
Ask her if she's got a husband.
That gets them.
Pardon the presumption
but you have a husband, of course?
- Yes.
- Now you're right up our alley!
We have one here which I think
is one of Stanley's tenderest thoughts.
Listen to this.
"A merry Christmas, husband,
happy New Year's nigh
"I wish you Easter greetings,
hooray for the Fourth of July"
We call that our four-in-one card.
You can use it all the year round.
No, thanks. I'm still not interested.
Crying?
Did we say something to upset you?
- No.
- Well, what are you crying for?
Oh... you wouldn't be
interested in my troubles.
Why, on the contrary.
I know exactly how you feel.
If you wish to confide in me,
I will leave no stone unturned
to lighten your burden.
Won't you tell me?
Did someone hurt your feelings?
Is it another man?
Did you lose your job?
So you won't talk, huh?
- Did you lose something?
- Yes.
I'm afraid I've lost my husband's affections.
Oh, he still loves me but he doesn't give me
the thoughtful attentions he used to.
If there was just some way
I could bring him to his senses,
make him realise his neglect of me.
You know what? I knew a woman once
that had a case just like yours
but you know what she did?
She got a fella to make love to her
in front of her husband
and it made the husband jealous.
- Then what happened?
- Well... Eh?
- So what?
- Well, when the husband got jealous
his wife knew that he was in love with her
just because he was jealous.
If he hadn't have been jealous,
he wouldn't have paid any attention
to the fella that made him jealous, see?
What'd the husband do?
Go out and shoot the other fella?
No. When the husband found out
he was so pleased that he was jealous,
he took his wife and kissed her
and they went out again
and got married all over
and then he kissed her again...
Just a minute.
What happened to the other fellow?
When the husband found out
he was jealous,
he was so pleased
that the fella had made him jealous
he gave the fella a lot of money
because he'd made him jealous
and they all lived happy ever after.
That's a splendid idea.
Why don't you do that?
I think I will. Will you help me?
- I'm sorry, I can't...
- Oh, please do.
And I'll give you $50.
$50?
Will it take long
to make your husband jealous?
- Not more than a day.
- That's a lot of money for one day.
You can do it cheaper by the week.
Please help me! It means so much to me.
Pardon me just a minute.
Tell me again what happened to the fella
that made love to the wife.
When the husband found out
the fella was jealous...
he took him in his arms
and then he gave his wife a lot of money
and then he kissed the other fella
because he made him jealous
and they went out...
then they all lived happy ever after.
Madam, I am at your service.
Oh, a thousand thanks.
Well, what would you suggest?
This is a little bit out of my line.
- I have it!
- What?
If my husband saw you kissing me...
like he kissed me the first time we met,
I'm sure that would make him jealous.
- How did he kiss you?
- I'll show you.
He had his arms around me like that.
And I put my arms around him.
Like this.
We pressed tightly together.
Then his lips met mine.
Now, when you hear my husband coming,
that's all you have to do.
- Now look what you've done.
- She started it.
Get me a glass of water.
Don't bother me.
- You looking for somebody?
- Yes.
I'm looking for the viper
that destroyed the sanctity of my home.
- Pierre, are you jealous?
- Certainly I'm jealous!
Pierre, I'm so happy!
Now I know you love me.
- Away, you snake in the grass!
- Let me explain...
- There's nothing to explain. I know it all.
- Don't be foolish.
- This gentleman means nothing to me.
- Not a thing!
I'll find out. If I divorce her,
will you marry her
and take care of her the rest of her life?
- Why, no, sir.
- No. Just as I thought.
- What's that for?
- It means that at 12 o'clock tonight,
here in this room,
we will meet in mortal combat.
A duel to the death.
- You're making a terrible mistake.
- A mistake, huh?
Do you realise what you're doing?
You, the best shot in all Paris?
It'll be murder! They'll hang you!
- What do I care?
- Pierre, please, be reasonable.
Why, er... This gentleman
can explain everything.
I remember a fella once
that had a jealous wife...
Scram! You go to your room.
Just a moment.
Don't you fail to be here
tonight at 12 o'clock...
...or I'll track you
to the end of the world.
- I won't, sir.
- Now I'll trouble you for your card.
- Card?
- Yes!
It is the custom of my country
to exchange cards after a challenge.
Have you got a card?
- Thank you.
- Goodbye, sir.
Goodbye.
ARTISTS CAFE
- Two beers. What'll you have?
- I'll have two beers, too.
- Just two beers.
- Yes, sir.
Well, you put me in
a nice spot, didn't you?
What a nice little fixer upper you are.
You knew a woman once!
- Haven't you done enough to me?
- I couldn't help it.
Isn't it bad enough that
I'm going to be shot at midnight
without you making
my last few hours miserable?
You know what? If you don't show up,
he won't be able to shoot you.
Didn't you hear him say
he'd track me to the end of the earth?
Oh, he's full of baloney.
You're just the same sometimes.
Shoot you! Ha! How can he shoot you
if he doesn't know where we are?
He doesn't know where we live.
He hasn't got the address.
Right! If he can't find me,
he can't shoot me.
Certainly.
Simple.
Why didn't you think of that before
instead of letting me worry?
Selfish.
You better phone him up
and tell him you won't be there.
- He might have something else to do.
- That's a good idea.
And I'll also give him a piece of my mind.
He can't trifle with a Hardy!
Hello?
- Is this Mr Pierre?
- Yes.
I'm the fella that you think
you're going to kill tonight.
Listen to me, you cheap brush-pusher.
If you think I'm going to come over there,
you're crazy.
You'd better be here at 12 o'clock!
If you're not, I'll search every corner
of this town till I find you.
Just a moment.
My friend wishes to speak with you.
Hello? This is me.
Yeah. Say, listen, if you had a face like
mine, you'd punch me right in the nose
and I'm just the fella that can do it.
Pierre! Where are you going?
I'm going to find your lover
and kill him on the spot.
It's a lucky thing for him
I decided not to go up there.
It sure is.
See who that is. It might be him.
Hello.
It sure is.
- Who was it?
- Some fella having a joke.
What did he say?
I said, "Hello,"
and the fella said,
"It's a long distance
from Atlanta, Georgia. '
And I said, "It sure is. ' Silly.
I wish there was some way
to put a stop to those jokers.
They get on my nerves.
Give me a small big one.
- I can't serve you any more.
- Oh, come on.
You want me to lose my licence?
Go on, get out of here.
Say, if you help me out, I'll help you out.
Listen, order me a straight whisky,
make out it's for you,
and if you do that for me,
I'll buy all the Christmas cards you got.
Who's gonna pay for the drink?
Sold. Garon.
- Sure this is the right place?
- It must be. It's on his card.
So it is.
Put them to bed, boys.
I think it's over there.
Put them in there, boys.
Is that you, Pierre?
Yes, it's me. Who did you expect?
- What happened?
- Nothing.
- I'm so glad.
- Naturally. But I'll find your lover.
Don't be foolish.
You know you're the only man I ever loved.
Look me in the eyes.
Are you telling me the truth?
Of course it's the truth.
Don't you understand I merely did it to make
you realise you've been neglecting me?
I'm sorry.
And I promise I'll never leave you alone
again as long as I live.
- What are you doing here?
- You told me to be here at 12.
- But not in my wife's bed!
- I got tired of waiting.
Follow me.
What did you want
to bring me back here for?
I don't remember coming back here.
- Well, I'm glad this is going to happen.
- Why?
At least I'll be rid of you.
- Come on!
- I'm coming.
- What'd he say?
- He said... Never mind! Come on!
- Pierre! I didn't know he was here.
- Move! That is more than I can stand.
- Do you understand the rules of this duel?
- No.
We stand back to back, take six paces
and turn and fire.
- The truest shot wins. Understand?
- Yes, sir.
I've taken out the real bullets
and put in blanks,
so when he fires, you pretend to die
and I'll get him out of here
and you make your escape.
Choose your weapon.
This is for you to give the signal to fire.
- Are you ready, monsieur?
- Oui, monsieur. Je suis pret.
Au revoir, madame.
Vive la France!
Now look what you've done.
You would sink so low as
to try and shoot me in the back, you rat?
- We've got to go now!
- Not until I dispose of the body.
I'm going to cut him up into little pieces!
Go on!
- You better get out! Goodbye.
- Goodbye!
Oh, no, you don't!
Oh, Pierre! Pierre!
Pierre!
You can come out now, he's gone.