Frankie Boyle: Live (2008) Movie Script

I think he's the best thing
on the BBC at the moment,
so I'm really looking forward
to seeing him tonight.
He's the best and funniest thing
about Mock The Week.
I love him on Mock The Week.
I think he's brilliant.
I would like to say that I think
Frankie Boyle is an incredibly funny man.
He is fucking hilarious.
- He's obnoxious and hilarious.
- And he's a funny bastard.
If he's good on Mock The Week,
he has to be good live.
- He swears a lot.
- Yeah, and he's Scottish.
Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome to the stage
the blackest man in show business,
Mr Frankie Boyle!
Well, hello, Hackney.
I had a wee look round Hackney today.
Looks like a fucking holding pen
for the Jeremy Kyle show.
How are you doing, little fella?
You've made a fucking effort.
Looks like someone shaved a monkey
and kicked it through Top Man.
You've gone for it with the hair here,
haven't you?
You look like
a moderately powerfuI Pokemon.
Why is he a giant version of you?
You're like fucking Russian dolls there.
How you doing, big fella?
How's life been since you played Mongo
in the Blazing Saddles movie?
- What d'you do, big man?
- IT.
IT. And you said that in a sort of,
"And my souI is dying
"every time I sit in front of
the computer screen. "
What about you, Frodo?
What's your story?
Don't know why I called you Frodo.
Cos you look like you've had
your ring destroyed. I don't know.
- What d'you do, man?
- Photographer.
- You're a what?
- Photographer.
You're a photographer.
You're a trainee paedophile, sir.
- We got Scottish people?
- Yay!
I love that cheer
Scottish people do
when they think
there's a lot more Scottish people in.
"Yay! Ooh, we're surrounded. "
- Where are yous from, Scottish people?
- Glasgow.
- Same fucking...
- Paisley.
Oh, Paisley. He's topped you
in Shit Town Top Trumps there.
Sorry, we've had a higher bid.
What's brought you down from Paisley?
- Drugs.
- A raft made from turnips?
Although I quite liked your answer -
"Drugs. "
I suspect that's your answer
to a lot of questions.
"What time is it?" "Drugs!"
- Fife.
- Fife? Who's from Fife?
The kingdom of Fife.
- Whereabouts in Fife are you from?
- Kirkcaldy.
Kirkcaldy. I'll have to explain this
to them now.
Basically, Kirkcaldy... The town's pride
took a bit of a knock recently,
when they found out
that the people of Ethiopia
were holding a rock concert for them.
- So, what are you doing in London?
- Working.
"Working. "
There's a dour Scottish answer.
You're just going to bleed the information
out gradually, aren't you?
You're a fucking human riddle
from Kirkcaldy.
My first is in "windmill"
but not in "canal".
"I work, but what do I work at?
Guess again. "
- What d'you work at?
- I'm a consultant.
Consultant. D'you want to go
any deeper into the explanation
- or are we just...
- Management consulting.
Management consulting.
What are they managing?
Not very much.
Are they managing to find you
quite an annoying cunt?
Is that how you've managed
to stay in the business so long?
Just by giving one-word answers?
"What should we do about the staff?"
"More. "
"More staff?" "Maybe. "
What about you? A hat.
Not everyone can carry off a hat
in the front row of a comedy club.
Why are you in disguise tonight?
Is there a particular reason?
- What do you do for a living?
- I'm a fundraiser.
- You're a fundraiser. For charity?
- Yeah.
Rather than just... yourself.
"I'd like you to sponsor me
because I'm fucking skint. "
- What's the charity?
- It's for disabled children.
Disabled children.
I'm going to have to be pretty good
to get any laughs out of that, aren't I?
I used to work as a support worker
with the disabled,
but then I kind of worked out that if
I couldn't get them to wipe their own arse
I was kind of pissing against the wind
trying to get them to bake fairy cakes.
Is that too much?
This will be a long fucking show.
How are you doing, fella?
Are you gay or d'you just like the look?
- What's your story? What d'you do?
- Event manager.
You're an event manager.
D'you hire shit celebrities for your events?
Not that I'm touting for work or anything.
Who's the shittiest celebrity
you've ever hired?
- I don't hire celebrities.
- Gordon Ramsay.
Sorry, are we holding a seance here?
What the fuck was that?
Don't you just keep chipping in
as if you're part of something, OK?
We're making fun of this guy just now.
You see Amy Winehouse
in the paper this week?
Fucking hell, man. She looks like
a campaign poster for neglected horses.
She got done for assault.
Kicked out at some guy
that tried to put a saddle on her.
Ellen MacArthur, right?
How many times is that woman
gonna have to go round the world
before she realises
that she's a fucking lesbian?
There's lots of celebrities who are straight
and you just can't believe it.
Like Gareth Gates.
The first time I saw him I thought, "That's
not a stammer, that's a gagging reflex. "
Did anyone see that thing the other week
where Jordan came out
and said that she's only had ten lovers?
Does anyone else think
she just ran out of fingers?
Ann Widdecombe
says that she's a virgin
for religious reasons.
The reason being that God made her
incredibly fucking ugly.
Nothing like John Prescott.
John Prescott, you're talking about a guy
who's so fat he can't wear a belt and a tie
on the same day
or he'll turn into sausages.
There's a difference between
being a bulimic
and just liking to eat so much
that you puke.
People give Jamie Oliver a hard time,
don't they?
I think he's done really well for someone
with low-leveI Down's Syndrome.
The secret ingredient
in a lot of those recipes is saliva.
We're quite tolerant
of fucking mutant celebrities, aren't we?
David Coulthard,
with that big, fucking... jaw thing.
D'you reckon
when he goes down on his wife
it feels like
she's being rescued by a dolphin?
Who's the new racing driver?
Lewis Hamilton.
Lewis Hamilton has a brother
who has cerebraI palsy.
That must be the most one-sided
sibling rivalry in history.
"I won a Grand Prix today.
What did you do?"
"I drank from a fucking cup, Lewis, OK?"
The show doesn't sink
any lower than that.
Oh, no, wait a minute. It does.
Quite often.
Tell you what I think they should do
in Big Brother this year.
On eviction night,
when someone gets sent out,
the people inside, instead of hearing
screaming or booing or whatever,
they should just hear complete silence.
And then a single gunshot.
Just when they start to think
it was all a psychologicaI test,
we throw the corpse out of a helicopter
into the garden.
There was a story
after the last Big Brother
that people in India
were burning an effigy of Jade Goody.
And they weren't. It turned out
they were barbecuing a pig.
Richard Gere sparked a riot in Delhi
by kissing Shilpa Shetty.
Say if there's a riot in Delhi,
how do you know?
Millions of people in the street,
stuff burning, screaming.
Could be a riot, could be a wedding.
The result is the same. 800 dead.
I liked that tour that Prince Charles
took Camilla on in India last year.
Proper, ruraI India, as well.
You know, half the people who turned up
were going, "Diana's really let herself go".
Does anyone else think
that Camilla is almost exactly
what Diana would have looked like
if she'd survived the crash?
That's not even sick.
The sick thing's that memoriaI fountain
they built to her
that's shaped like a fucking racetrack.
I thought it was sad they had
a pop concert to commemorate Diana.
I mean, she doesn't have
much to do with pop music, does she?
They should have done something
that celebrated
what was really great about her life,
by staging a gang-bang in a minefield.
What was the Queen celebrating?
Her 60th wedding anniversary.
After 60 years
as a German married to a Greek,
she must have an arse
like a broken cat-flap.
They turned me down
for the RoyaI Variety this year.
D'you remember, years ago,
a guy broke into Buckingham Palace?
And they said, "It's OK,
he just sat on the Queen's bed. "
But it's not like they would have told us
if he'd shagged her.
You can't really say that
on News At Ten, can you?
Bong. "A tramp has fucked the Queen. "
I've not talked to this side yet.
Your faces are going, "And please don't. "
What's this, son? Is this your dad
or is he grooming you? What's the story?
- What d'you do, man?
- I work in customer services.
You work in customer services. Is that
a polite way of saying "call centre"?
You've got a job they literally
couldn't get an Indian to fucking do.
- And what about you, fella?
- White van man.
You're a white van man.
You just define yourself by that?
By the borrowed fucking van
that you drive.
What are you doing with your white van?
Deliver cash-and-carry food and stuff.
You deliver cash-and-carry food.
That sounds utterly souI-destroying.
What d'you do
to liven things up at lunch time?
D'you stick on a DVD of Steve Davis
talking about
his favourite carpet samples?
It's gonna go like that, though. It's gonna
go van driver, fucking call centre...
We're going to get down to him
and he'll be a one-legged juggler
who sucked off Prince Philip.
- What's your story, fella?
- I'm a journalist.
You're a journalist?
- Who are you journaling for?
- The FT.
- The FinanciaI Times?
- That's the one.
What the fuck are you doing
at one of my shows?
This is for scum.
What about you, big man,
what do you do?
- Stockbroker.
- Stockbroker? You eviI cunt.
Do you invest in ethicaI stocks
or is it largely... landmines to Somalia?
- Wherever there's money.
- I invest in landmines to Somalia.
But I also invest in painkillers
and plastic knees.
So, the Somalians
stand in the landmines
but then they take the painkillers,
they have their knees replaced.
Essentially, I'm giving the Somalians
the gift of surprise.
What's the most eviI thing
you've ever traded in?
- Weapons. What sort of weapons?
- Guns.
Guns? And who did you buy them for?
Cos, d'you know what, if it was
a bank job I'll look the other way.
- Was it Mark Thatcher?
- No.
D'you ever think of getting a gun
and blowing your own fucking head off?
I've got to that stage in Scotland now
where people recognise me.
But never where from.
I got followed by two guys in Glasgow
who thought that I was
the wee bear from Bo' Selecta.
Oh, yeah, clap it up, fuckers.
You wait years
for that Proclaimers thing to go away.
I used to like that. "You look like
one of the Proclaimers. "
One of the Proclaimers?
They're twins, you daft cunt.
I used to have a big beard,
but any time the beard
gets to a certain length
people start shouting, "Paedophile"
at me.
I don't know why I was doing that
for the "paedophile".
Why do paedophiles always have
beards and glasses?
What is it about that look
that children find so sexy?
D'you remember that stuff last year
with the paedophile schoolteachers?
That's got to be creepy.
You get your homework back
and he's drawn a cock on it.
Looking forward
to trying to get those jokes
onto the next series
of Mock The Fucking Week.
It's always quite funny, actually...
You're on telly and you say something,
you just know it's never going in.
I did a show recently
where I was on a sofa,
getting interviewed with Macy Gray.
The fucking dream team right there.
And the interviewer said,
"Have you ever been a groupie?"
And Macy Gray,
I suppose quite bizarrely,
said, "Yes. For the actor, Clive Owen.
"And the basketball player,
MichaeI Jordan. "
And the interviewer said, "Well,
I hope that was on different nights. "
And I said, "At the very least,
I hope they were at opposite ends. "
Macy Gray doesn't have
a sense of humour.
I did...
I did a morning cookery show
I made a totaI arse of, as well.
It was ten in the morning and it was live.
And it was the day
of the Glasgow airport attack.
And the presenter said,
"Oh, you do topicaI stuff, don't you?"
I said, "Yeah. Like today,
we don't know if that was terrorists
"or just Richard Hammond
turning up late for check-in. "
Whisking eggs for 20 minutes
with a studio full of people
who fucking hated me.
Who else have I met?
Oh, I met a guy, Duncan Bannatyne,
from Dragons' Den.
The Scottish guy from Dragons' Den.
He's worth, like, 100 million or something,
so I tried to take the piss a bit.
I goes, "Where are you from
in Scotland?"
He goes, "Clydebank. "
I said, "I bet you've not been back there
since you made your 100 million. "
He went, "On the contrary, Frankie.
"I was there yesterday,
receiving a Scot of the Year award. "
What a tremendous fucking cunt he is.
Scot of the Year award. Who would
you even be competing against?
The only award
I've ever been nominated for
was a Scottish BAFTA.
A Scottish BAFTA. It's like hearing
that the animals
have their own fucking Olympics.
I always hate those awards ceremonies
celebrities have for brave children.
You've probably organised
a few of these yourself.
The celebrities are trying to get
publicity for themselves, aren't they?
So they'll drag up some wee guy
with leukaemia or something.
They'll go, "Oh, look at him.
Still smiling. Keeps laughing. "
Course he keeps laughing.
He's off his tits on fucking morphine.
You could show him Saving Private Ryan
and he'd piss himself.
"Aye, he's had a brilliant night out.
"He hasn't laughed this much
since Schindler's List. "
By the way, I just noticed the other day,
the word "cancer" is on predictive text.
Who the fuck is texting people
the news that they've got cancer?
"I've got cancer. Laugh out loud. "
I'll tell you what else is on there "rape".
Who the fuck is using that facility?
"Better tell my mum
that I won't be home for dinner.
"'Sorry, Mum. Gone out raping. "'
I liked the way that I mentioned rape
and that guy left.
"I knew I had something to do tonight. "
You ever heard that thing
at women's self-defence classes?
They say, "Don't shout 'rape'.
Shout 'fire'."
Cos people will come if it's a fire
but they might be frightened if it's a rape.
Must be quite confusing for the rapist.
- "Fire! Fire!"
- "I'm going as quick as I can here!"
Hello. A group of
fucking wholesome-looking children.
How are you doing? Speccy one,
you look like their leader.
What d'you guys do?
Do you all fucking ride around
investigating mysteries on your bikes
or something?
- What do you do, little fella?
- We're at college.
You're at college? Is it a reaI college
or one of these things
that used to be a fucking swimming pooI?
- A reaI college.
- What are you studying?
Er... history.
Maybe history.
That's as focused an idea as you have
on your college programme.
Have you recently discovered marijuana,
by any chance?
Cos your paI beside you has definitely
discovered marijuana, haven't you, fella?
How are you doing? What's life like if you
look like a fucking good-looking surfer?
Because obviously, I've always
just dragged myself around
like the fucking Elephant Man.
What the fuck is it like?
What do you do, man?
I'm a student, going to uni.
Ah, right, so it's not all good, is it?
You might look beautifuI,
but you sound like
the Elephant Man.
"I'm going to uni
at the minute, thank you. "
"I hope you won't judge me on that. "
Is the wee one
like your mascot or something?
"Yeah, we got him
since our dog died and... "
"To be honest, he's been
slightly disappointing. But fuck it.
"His mum died,
so we've got to do something. "
What do you do, little fella?
Tell me your mum's alive.
Thank fuck for that.
Just your dad that's dead, and fuck him.
What's your goaI in life, little fella?
That is the least ambition
I've ever heard in any statement.
You took about three minutes
to say, "I don't know. "
"Hopefully, one day, Frankie, I can grow
gills and walk backwards into the sea. "
D'you worry about the future, Frodo?
You should. You should particularly worry
about the next couple of minutes,
which I'm going to make
quite difficult for you.
Do you not worry about
young women getting bigger?
Say like an 18-year-old girI now
can be, what, six foot one, six foot two.
See, by the time you're 60,
you trying to shag an 18-year-old girI
will be like a wee terrier
attacking a giraffe.
By the time you're 60, the only way you'll
be able to satisfy an 18-year-old girI
will be if an 18-year-old guy
uses you as a strap-on.
I'm not even into young women. Even if
I could get an 18 year old to suck my cock
she'd be fucking texting someone
while she was doing it.
How do you spell "Ahh haw haw"?
"Feels like he's got cancer. "
I feeI sorry for young people, man.
All these stupid subjects
they make them study.
Sports science? Sport and science
are two different things.
That's why Stephen Hawking -
brilliant scientist...
always last picked for the football team.
Although he is a very good dribbler.
How are you doing, big fella? You look
fairly normaI for one of my shows.
The rest of it's like the fucking
cantina scene from Star Wars.
- What do you do, man?
- I'm a physio.
You're a physio? Did you meet your
good lady in your professionaI capacity?
- No.
- No? How did you meet?
We actually went
to the same gym together.
You went to the same gym together.
You sickening pair of fuckers.
"Yes, look at us both
with our beautifuI fucking bodies.
"We met in the gym. Maybe if you went
down the gym occasionally, Frankie,
"you could get a fucking woman like this.
"But no, unless a woman
crawls in your fucking window
"while you're looking at porn, you're not
gonna get a fucking woman like this. "
I've realised that I've just unleashed
some hidden bitterness there.
Mr Moustache, sir, where are you from?
- Croydon.
- Where?
- Croydon.
- Croydon? I didn't realise
they were making porn movies
in Croydon.
It's like a pornographic version
of one of the Chuckle Brothers there.
"To me!" "To you!"
See Gordon Brown's announced
his big new thing.
Says he wants to make children
stay at schooI till they're 18.
That's just not living
in the modern world, is it?
17-year-olds having to go to schooI.
Who's going to pick their kids up
from primary?
Looks terrible, Brown, doesn't he?
He looks like a sad face that
somebody's drawn onto their scrotum.
Says he wants to bring in super-Asbos.
That sounds too cooI, doesn't it?
Teenagers will want those.
They should call them Gaybos
or Bender Badges.
He still wants to bring in ID cards
with retina scans and
49 items of information.
ID cards won't stop
your identity being stolen.
It just means that once it's stolen,
you're fucked.
"I've left my wallet in the hoteI.
"I'm gonna need new eyeballs
and a finger transplant. "
And that was too much but the rape
was OK. That seems interesting.
Interesting to see
where your line is in this audience.
Tell you what I saw the other day -
a petition against ID cards.
"Yes, the Government wants to hold
too much personaI information on us.
"We're gonna send them a list
of our names and addresses. "
D'you know, Brown has said
that we need a nationaI debate
about whether
Margaret Thatcher gets a state funeraI.
The only debate most people are having
is whether or not she needs to be dead
before we bury her.
Give her a Viking funeraI
in a scale-modeI of the Belgrano.
D'you know, Brown has seriously said...
He said he wants listening devices
put into lampposts
to fight terrorism.
Is that how terrorists work? Is it?
"Come over here. We'll discuss
our eviI plans in this brightly lit area. "
D'you reckon George Bush
actually knows who Gordon Brown is?
He probably thinks Tony Blair's
put on weight and had a fucking stroke.
Bush says when he retires he's gonna
make his living from speaking.
Play to your strengths, eh, George?
That's like Abu Hamza
having a career doing shadow puppets.
Did anybody see that survey
they did in America?
Said that Osama bin Laden is now
more famous than MichaeI Jackson.
And you think, "Yeah, but he puts a lot
less effort into his videos, doesn't he?"
Good old MichaeI Jackson. He's got to
live out the life of a Scooby Doo villain.
Hanging around an abandoned funfair,
wearing a plastic face.
"Those pesky kids!"
The British Army have got a big recruiting
drive on in Scotland at the minute.
Cos that's what you need if you're
fighting an unwinnable war in the desert.
More ginger people.
Was that a wee boo from a ginger there?
I'll get the house lights put up
and you'll fry like a fucking vampire.
I watched the footage
of Saddam being executed.
And it really made me think, you know.
It made me think, "Is there nothing on
the internet that I won't masturbate to?"
I mean, not just the fact that they
hung him, but they put it on YouTube.
That was disgusting.
I only gave it two stars.
It's got to bring it home to you
as a great dictator
when your death gets less hits
than a fat Korean boy bodypopping.
Would anybody else like to see
hostages in videos being a bit cheekier?
Some guy who's about to get
his head chopped off with a sword
turning round and going,
"Short back and sides, please, big man. "
The Americans want to build a big tower
on the site of September 11th.
Freedom Tower, they were gonna call it.
But now, apparently, they're worried
and they're looking at ways
of trying to make it terrorist-proof.
I think they should have just built
a giant fucking mosque.
No one's gonna fly into that, are they?
Or even better, a runway.
How galling would it be to hijack a plane
and then come in and
make a fucking textbook landing?
They've got Barack Obama
standing for president now.
Pretty much the worst name that you
could have in American politics, Obama.
Halfway between "Osama" and...
"a bomber".
He might as well be called
Muslim O'Gun-Bomb.
There's a lot of scaremongering in politics.
Did you see that thing recently?
They said North Korea have
missiles that can hit America.
The bit of America that
their missiles can hit is Alaska.
Who's gonna nuke the fucking Eskimos?
You could take out one of their cities
with a three-bar fire and a bag of salt.
I'll tell you
a classic piece of scaremongering.
That thing where they check your shoes
at the airport
cos of that guy, the shoe-bomber.
He wasn't even a terrorist, was he?
He was just like a mad fucknugget.
His plan was
to put explosives in his shoes
and then set fire to his shoes.
As an act of terrorism, that's one step up
from clutching a stick of dynamite
between your arse cheeks
and eating a curry.
Did you see that guy
they jailed the other month?
Osama bin London.
Is that the stage it's got to -
fucking tribute acts?
And the Sun, without irony, described
this guy as Abu Hamza's right-hand man.
See, people think the Middle East
is a very complex question, don't they?
I've got an analogy
that I think sums it up quite well.
If you imagine that Palestine
is a big cake. It's one big cake.
Well, that cake is being
punched to pieces by a very angry Jew.
The Jewish leader, ArieI Sharon,
is still in a coma.
People say that ArieI Sharon
achieved nothing,
but actually, he's just won
WeightWatcher of the Year.
Well done to him.
How are you doing, fella?
What's your story?
Well, that was just
a sudden mime, yeah?
"My story is about this, Frankie.
"That's how I got this girI. Look at this. "
- What do you do, man?
- Graphic designer.
You're a graphic designer!
Surprisingly camp job for a straight man.
And what have you been
graphically designing this week?
- Corporate events.
- Corporate events?
Is the whole audience tonight...
a sort of eviI night out?
Fucking Darth Vader's up the back.
"Well, I knew not to sit at the front.
"I knew he would pick on me. "
Did you all just get a bus together,
paid for by fucking former Nazis
hiding in Chile or something?
"Come on, it'll be great. We need a laugh
after a hard day of killing children. "
And what do you design
for these corporations, man?
sort of the screens for that.
CD-ROMS about the promotionaI
business materials?
D'you ever go home and just think,
"I could stick my head in the oven
and make the world a...
"much better place"?
What do you do, paI?
- I work at a livestock market.
- You work at a livestock market?
Have you quantum-leaped here
from 1892?
"Ziggy says there's a 90 per cent chance
"we shouldn't sit down the front,
he'll take the piss. "
What a wonderfully Dickensian job
you've got.
So, what do you do with the livestock
after you've fucked it?
Fantastic. Have you ever killed anything?
No. Not there.
"Not yet. "
That's a fucking... sinister answer.
That's generally not the way
you want to respond
to that question on a date, by the way.
"What are your ambitions?"
"Well, I've not killed anything yet. "
So, what else has been happening?
They found that wee lassie,
Shannon Matthews.
Just goes to show you
what I always say -
the ugly ones always turn up alive.
Did you see her mum?
The two weeks that she spent
living in a drawer under a bed
was probably the happiest time
of her fucking life.
They found that children's TV presenter,
Mark Speight.
Apparently, his suicide note
was amazing.
He'd done it all in seashells and glitter.
Scottish people aren't that friendly,
are they?
- I once saw an English guy in...
- Yes, we are, you liar.
"Yes, we are, you liar"?
Can you not see how you're undermining
your own argument there?
"I think we're a bit unfriendly. "
"Shut up, you cunt!"
I once saw an English guy in Glasgow,
trying to order a pint of lager and lime.
And the barman went,
"We don't do cocktails. "
They've got a good thing at Scottish
football games now, at Hampden,
where you're not allowed to bring food
into the ground.
And they actually search you
when you're going in
to make sure you've not got food on you.
It's nice to see we've got
our fucking priorities right, isn't it?
"What's this, sir? A knife? I hope you
weren't planning on making sandwiches. "
Now you've got a Scottish guy who's
the number one British tennis player.
I've not checked my Nostradamus,
but isn't that one of
the Harbingers of the Apocalypse?
The only time I'd previously seen
a Scottish guy playing tennis,
it was someone playing charades,
attempting to mime
the word "homosexuaI".
So, what do you do, Paisley fella?
Has he passed out from drugs already?
"It was a fucking great show.
I OD'd after ten minutes. "
"Spent two hours in Casualty
being punched in the heart.
"What a fucking weekend. "
Where are you, fella?
Hey. Oh, and you're a fucking
scary-looking motherfucker.
Ah, come on.
Yeah, I know he's probably nice to you.
But he is one terrifying fucking dude, man.
What you doing down here?
I do speciaI effects for computer games
and shit like that.
You do speciaI effects
for computer games and shit like that?
Look at what you could have made
of your life!
You could be a guy who looks like
he's fucking just jumped out of
Grand Theft Auto...
snared himself some fucking beautifuI
woman in a cooI job, man!
If you weren't so busy
sucking the deviI's fucking cock...
Saw a great thing recently,
said scientists are gonna start
treating alcoholism with LSD.
That's gonna make tramps
very different people.
"Any spare change, paI?
I've got a unicorn to feed. "
Apparently, scientists have come up with
a condom for premature ejaculation.
Basically, it's got an anaesthetic
in the lining and it makes you numb.
You can last for longer.
Or... you can wear it inside-out and
you don't have to wake anybody up.
Viagra's overrated, isn't it?
Viagra takes half an hour
to have any effect.
I often find that in that time
the woman has managed to wriggle free.
Science isn't all progress, is it?
What was wrong with train toilet doors
that just locked? Remember that?
Instead of this
fucking multiple-choice system.
See, now, if anything goes wrong,
you're gonna be sitting there
while the whole fucking toilet wall...
slowly slides away.
And you're unveiled
like a fucking prize on a quiz show!
"For 500 points,
you could win a shitting woman. "
They're building the world's biggest
Super Collider in Switzerland.
It's quite exciting. They're trying
to work out the building blocks of protons.
They're trying to re-create
the conditions of the Big Bang.
I think it would be good if,
when we work that out,
the whole of our reality dissolved
and a big sign came up
that said "LeveI Two".
Science isn't all progress, man.
Did you see the Mars probe?
Yeah, that's what our society needs -
more pictures of fuck-all.
Well, we've had a probe
which has successfully
crash-landed onto Mars.
To me, it's not successfuI if it's crashed.
That's a bit like saying
that you've swum the ChanneI
because your corpse
gets washed up on a beach.
Have you heard that science thing
that the human female
has exactly the same pheromone scent
as an orang-utan female?
D'you know that? It was news to me.
I'll never wear a blindfold again.
They told me she was a Geordie.
Ever heard that science thing
that if you put a frog into boiling water
it will jump out?
But if you put it into cold water, you
heat the water up, the frog won't realise.
And it will die.
Or to put it another way, scientists have
got a lot of fucking time on their hands.
"Shall we have a go at curing cancer?"
"No. I'm gonna see how many fruit
pastilles it takes to choke a kestrel. "
Tell you the TV show I'd love to see.
CSI Glasgow.
"Well, we've done some preliminary tests
"and it looks like the intruder
definitely did a jobbie on the carpets. "
"We're looking for a young man
with a poor diet
"because the jobbie's got a Wham bar
and an old 50 pence stuck in it. "
Some guy will try to draw a chalk outline
round the jobbie.
"I knew I should have
stuck to making corporate CD-ROMS."
I always say that if I had to explain
Glasgow to a stranger,
I'd say that if I had to pick
a city in the world
where I could depend on
a member of the public
to punch a man who was on fire...
to punch a flaming man to the ground.
We should get a photo of that blown up
and use it as the welcome sign
at Scottish airports.
And underneath,
we should have the words
"Scotland welcomes carefuI drivers. "
I mean, the naivety of aI-Qaeda
trying to bring religious war to Glasgow.
We're 400 years ahead of you guys.
You don't even have a football team.
There's a fallacy, isn't there,
that that baggage-handler
prevented hundreds of people
from being horribly burned?
These were Scottish people
who were flying to Spain.
People say it's good
they didn't hit the fueI depot.
I think it's good they didn't hit
the queue coming out of duty free.
Would have gone up
like fucking Hiroshima.
One of the guys was so badly burned
that his mobile phone
melted into his body.
I thought that as part of his punishment
they should have changed his ringtone
to Disco Inferno.
Yous looking forward
to the Olympics in London?
You're really not looking forward
to the Olympics.
Were you touched up by a relay team?
In many ways, I think London is
a bit of a strange choice for the Olympics.
A city where any black man who starts
running gets shot dead by the police.
That guy they shot in the Tube...
Clearly, it was horrendous and everything,
but if the policeman who'd done it
had just been a bit quicker-thinking,
he could have had a bit of a laugh with it.
He could have stood up and gone,
"Any more tickets, please?"
They say the Olympics is gonna rekindle
English nationaI pride.
I mean, come on.
For 9.2 billion, you could have written
"Fuck off, Germany" onto the moon.
I like the logo.
I wouldn't have thought of
throwing a paraplegic off a car park.
It's good they're holding the Olympics
in the East End of London, isn't it?
Means the athletes
will have to use extra skill
to work out which of the gunshots
they heard was the starting pistoI.
Glasgow, of course,
has got the Commonwealth Games.
Be good to finally see
an internationaI athletics event
where the crowd faiI a drugs test.
The East End of Glasgow's
already like an Olympic village.
Lots of people who struggle to speak
English, wandering about in tracksuits.
I'm looking forward
to our opening ceremony.
Seeing them lighting that torch
from a smouldering Ford Focus.
Did you see Gordon Brown
when the torch came through London
with the Chinese
and they got to Number 10 and
barged Gordon Brown out the way?
He's the only Scottish guy in the world
that would have stood for it.
Any other Scottish guy would have
opened the door to Number 10
in his pants, looked at
the ambassador with the torch
and gone, "What the fuck's this, paI?
I ordered chicken in black bean sauce. "
Alistair Darling, I can't trust him, either.
I can't trust anyone
whose hair and eyebrows don't match.
I keep wondering
what his pubes look like.
I wouldn't be surprised
if he opened his flies
and it was a fucking
bunch of daffodils.
He looks tired, as well, Darling.
But then, he does have to commute in
from Tracy Island.
They talk about
the economy being fucked
and how there's going
to be food prices going up.
We're OK. How bad
would food prices have to get
before we couldn't shop at LidI?
I once did my entire weekly shop at LidI
in exchange for an amulet
made from cats' teeth.
No matter how much we hate politicians,
we always hate locaI politicians more,
don't we?
See that guy in New York
that shot the district councillor?
Over here, he'd have been
a fucking locaI hero.
People would have come up to him
as he came out the offices with a rifle,
going, "Excuse me, mate,
did you mention the wheelie bins?"
Scotland always has
the grimmest locaI stories.
Did you see that head found on a beach
in Arbroath?
They found a head on a beach
and it was children that found it.
See, the terrible thing was
there'll have definitely been a point
when they thought that was someone
buried up to their neck in the sand.
And then, the next day, all the limbs
got washed ashore in a suitcase.
The people of Arbroath were in shock.
They'd never seen a suitcase before.
D'you remember years ago,
when they were making Braveheart?
Everyone said, "Ah, it's ridiculous,
MeI Gibson playing a Scottish guy.
"That's not gonna be very convincing. "
And look at him now. An alcoholic racist.
The most Scottish thing I've ever seen,
I was going through
a town called Bathgate at night
and there was a guy pissing
against the front door.
Like that.
He then took out his keys
and went inside.
Looking for people to chat to.
There's nothing wrong with that.
How are you doing, fella, in the check
shirt, second row? How are you doing?
- OK, thank you.
- What do you do?
- Recruitment.
- Recruitment.
A one-word answer that tells me fuck-all.
You could be working for some sort
of call centre. You could be a mercenary
trying to overthrow EquatoriaI Guinea.
Who are you recruiting, man?
Pumas? You're recruiting pumas?
What the fuck could you need those for?
- Who are you recruiting?
- Procurement staff.
Procurement staff.
Right, anybody any the wiser here?
I actually slightly knew more
when I thought it was pumas.
You put your hand up.
"Yeah, think I can tell you
what procurement's all about, Frankie.
"Throw me the ball. "
- What's procurement, paI?
- You buy stuff.
You buy stuff. I knew that, you daft cunt.
I didn't know what they were buying.
- What have you bought this week?
- I don't do it. I provide...
You don't do it? So, when I asked you,
"What do you do?"
you decided to step into
some kind of fucking fantasy life.
"What do I do, Frankie?
Well, have you read Dr Zhivago?
"I'm Dr Zhivago. "
What do you do? You fancy telling us?
See, if you don't tell me anything,
I won't fucking move along.
I'll get a stooI out here and talk to you
all night, like fucking VaI Doonican.
You just tell me what you do,
I make a joke
about how it's a shit thing
to be doing, we all get on with our lives.
Sorry, have I ruined the magic
for anybody here?
So, what's your role?
I'm the middle man
between the client and the candidate.
Right. You're a middle man.
Another thing
that tells us almost nothing.
I'm surprised that
you're persevering with words.
Soon you're
just going to yell out a formula.
What's the biggest thing
you've ever bought?
A car.
A car. I meant for your work,
you daft bastard.
This has now sort of devolved into
an episode of Trisha, hasn't it?
How are you doing, fella?
What do you do?
Estate agent.
You're an estate agent.
Ha ha-ha ha-ha ha!
Oh, yeah. Fucking boot's
on the other foot now, motherfucker.
You're calling us and
we're not returning your fucking calls.
And you, good lady, what do you do?
Clearly, you'll be leaving him soon,
when the money dries up.
I work in fashion.
You work in fashion?
What are you doing in fashion?
- Product development.
- Product development.
Still not telling me much. Are you working
on Ann Summers in Dundee,
developing a crotchless shellsuit?
- What you working on this week?
- Burberry. I work for Burberry.
Burberry? So, you're both involved in two
things that are just going out of fashion.
It's all fucked.
We've got some old fuckers in tonight.
A sign that it's been a mild winter,
some of these faces.
Tom Cruise has got a fucking creepy
marriage going on, hasn't he?
I reckon if you went
round to their house for dinner,
she'd have written "Get help" in the peas.
Catherine Zeta-Jones,
she lives in LA now
but she has bottles of air
imported from Wales.
When I want my house to smell like
Wales, I just kick my dog untiI it farts.
- Any Welsh people in?
- Yes.
Are you worried about
the foot-and-mouth crisis?
It's a lot harder to fuck them
when they're burning, isn't it?
I thought it was weird the Beckhams
went to LA, the home of stalkers.
And they were always worried about
being kidnapped.
And she'd be the perfect kidnap victim,
as well. Imagine how cheap it would be
to start sending her body parts
back through the post.
"Send them a finger. Fuck it, fax it. "
What does he see in her?
It must be like fucking a xylophone.
How far do you think he could kick her?
The Spice Girls getting back together -
did we need that?
The only way I want to see Geri Halliwell
draped in a Union Jack again
will be if she dies in battle.
Did you see the concerts?
It looked like the paneI from Loose
Women having a fucking singsong.
Wayne Rooney, he gets paid a ridiculous
amount of money, as well, man.
He'd be happy with a tyre on a rope.
How old is he, Rooney, 23?
They don't usually live that long.
I know some people laughed there cos
they think I'm still saying he's a monkey.
I'm actually trying to imply
that he has Down's Syndrome.
I'd hate you to go away
with the wrong idea.
How the fuck
did he manage to get married?
Probably just because "I do"
sounds quite a lot like "Ooh-ooh!"
Got these environmentaI problems now.
Apparently, in 20 years' time,
Norwich will be completely underwater.
The locals are delighted
because they'll finally get a chance
to use their webbed feet and hands.
I like storms, I like lightning.
What I like to do during a storm
is fuck my girlfriend
and pretend that we're taking part
in the conception of the Antichrist.
Oh, she hates that joke.
Especially since we had the baby.
A lot of stuff's bad for the environment.
4x4s are just too big, aren't they?
I mean, often now,
when I'm out dogging...
I find that I have
to stand on someone's shoulders
just to get my balls onto the windshield.
Now you know
where you recognise me from.
Ryanair are getting a hard time
from the environmentaI lobby
cos they've introduced
a $7 flight to New York.
Although, as always with Ryanair,
it does land slightly outside New York.
In Dublin.
Was it Ryanair?
No, BA last year sacked a stewardess
for coming into work wearing a crucifix.
Or wearing a cross. Crucifix,
she'd have come into work like that.
"Your safety exits are here. "
There must have been more to it.
She was probably winding up
the Jewish passengers.
"Did you pack these bags yourself,
"And why did you murder Jesus?"
The Catholic Church have got
a great thing at the minute.
They say they don't want
sex education in schools
because it's like giving the kids
As opposed to the traditionaI
Catholic method of educating them
of actually fucking them.
Sex education at my schooI was
a muttered warning about the janitor.
The Catholic Church has just reaffirmed
their position on abortion.
They don't support abortion,
even in cases of rape.
Which just seems like, "What?"
"What's that, son? You'd like to see
a picture of your daddy?
"I'm afraid it's actually
more of an artist's impression. "
"You have his cold, dead eyes. "
The Church of England
brought out prayers
for dealing with the stress of modern life.
The first one was a prayer you say
on the train in the morning
if you can't find a seat.
I always find that
if I pray loudly enough to Allah...
I get the fucking carriage to myself.
Did you see that bishop up north
who said that the floods
were God's judgement on homosexuals?
If that was true, Brighton would be
like fucking Atlantis by now.
I'm all for gays, man.
I'm all for gay adoption.
Gay men would make brilliant dads.
They already know
where all the best parks are.
They already know how to put
talcum powder onto a sore bottom.
I'd have loved to have had a gay dad.
D'you remember that stuff at schooI?
"My dad'll batter your dad. "
"My dad could batter your dad. "
"Listen, my dad'll shag your dad. "
"And your dad'll enjoy it. "
The Bible says that a man who sleeps
with another man should be stoned.
It definitely helps. That's all I'm saying.
How are you doing,
big, jolly chap with the beard?
How's tricks, man? What do you do?
- I work for Hackney CounciI.
- You work for Hackney CounciI.
And that's why you're laughing.
Cos there's nothing you can do
that's shit enough to get you sacked.
"What shall we do
with the parks this year?"
"Oh, I don't know. Pave over them?"
"Promotion, motherfucker. "
- Hello. How are you doing, little fella?
- Fine.
- Are you a student of some sort?
- No, I work.
- You work. What d'you work at?
- I'm a packaging art worker.
- You're a packaging art worker?
- Yeah, mobile phone boxes.
Mobile phone boxes? Exciting stuff.
And what art have you drawn
onto a mobile phone this week?
I've done some Motorola phones.
Motorola phones. D'you ever
think of drawing on a big tumour
onto the person
that's fucking trying to use the phone?
"Sorry, can't get you. I'm in a tunneI
and I've got cancer of the head. "
And is this your good lady?
She looks like she could rip you apart
like a fucking chicken wing.
Does he touch the sides?
When he does, do you vibrate
and your nose lights up?
She's not that happy about this.
I'm quite a grumpy bastard.
Cos I drink Red Bull to do the shows.
It's good they finally managed
to can anxiety, isn't it?
It's good there's a drink that gives me
the resting heart rate of a seriaI killer.
Ejaculating into a schooI sock.
I don't drink. My best mate
actually gave up the same time as me.
He said it was cos he could
never imagine anything worse
than waking up in the morning with
less money than you thought you had
and a really sore head.
I said, "It could be worse.
You could wake up
"with much more money than you
thought you had and a really sore arse. "
You see, Scottish people
can just be dour, negative bastards.
John Logie Baird invented the TV
and when people came up
to congratulate him,
he went, "Aye, but there's fuck-all on. "
It's the weather, man. The weather
wears us down emotionally. It's terrible.
You'll have noticed if you've been up,
not a lot of Scottish people
choose to have
wind chimes in their house.
Cos it would be like
having fucking tinnitus.
The winter is a tremendously difficult time
of year for Scottish men to get laid
cos Scottish women wear
so many clothes.
It's fucking difficult to get at them.
You know how, in the movies,
a young man's rite of passage
is the first time
he manages to get a bra strap undone?
In Scotland, it's the first time you get
a fucking button off on her duffle coat.
"Oh, just another two to go.
"Then I've got my hands on that fleece. "
It's layers. It's fucking layers.
Having a gang-bang in Scotland's
like playing Pass The ParceI.
When I was at schooI,
I could never get girls' bras undone.
I just couldn't work it out.
And then eventually, I realised
that these girls were wearing
a different type of bra from my gran.
If you don't like that,
you're gonna fucking hate this next bit.
The oldest woman ever to give birth
gave birth last year. She was 63.
I should imagine, at 63,
the baby didn't have to force its way out.
It spent the last three months
Every time she went for a shit,
it had to brace itself.
Can you imagine what having a baby
must have done
to the state of a 63-year-old's fanny?
Absolutely nothing at all.
She's gonna need long arms
to breast-feed that little fucker.
I love old people, I do.
But I hate it when they're always boasting
about what they did in the war.
"Come on, Granddad, we're trying
to have Christmas dinner here.
"Nobody gives a fuck
how many Jews you killed. "
I like those adverts
that are aimed at old people,
for, what is it, funeraI expenses?
They always start off,
"If you're one of those people our age... "
Then, for some reason, it always ends up
offering them a fucking radio alarm clock.
Of all things.
"One morning, that alarm will go off
"and you won't hear it. "
All insurance is a con, man.
Health insurance?
D'you really want to have your own TV
to watch while you're dying?
D'you want to spend your last day
on earth watching Diagnosis Murder...
only to find out that it's a two-parter?
I'm trying to think
if I have any cheerfuI jokes at all.
Oh, yes. As a man, never get a Brazilian.
Because when you get a hard-on
you look like a sundiaI at noon.
Have you ever gone
to a fancy dress party,
fucked someone dressed as a ghost
and later found out that it was
their Muslim next-door neighbour?
I visit the mound of stones
they buried her under every Halloween.
Halloween, ladies and gentlemen.
Halloween. A wonderfuI time of year
for the agoraphobic paedophile.
"They're being delivered to the door.
"In little costumes. "
How many dead hookers
can you fit in a garage?
Another two, if I move my bike.
See, I think a lot of this stuff
with offensiveness in comedy,
it comes from the fact that
we're talking about big stereotypes
and generalisations.
They're not always true, are they?
So, I've got a friend does a routine about,
"Don't you hate it when your partner
comes to bed and they're cold?
"They try and get heat off you. "
And I always think,
well, what if you're a necrophiliac?
Maybe you love it when they're cold.
"Oh, that's brilliant. You're freezing.
"Don't move a fucking muscle.
"I want it to be realistic. I'm groping
your arse cheeks with a car-jack. "
Any questions so far, Hackney?
"No, Frankie,
we turned up with questions,
"largely about rape and cerebraI palsy...
"but to be honest, you seem to have
cleared most of that up for us.
"Go ahead with the jokes. "
What's your view
on Austrian parenting?
What's my view on Austrian parenting?
D'you know, I don't know
what's going on in Austria.
It's gone, very suddenly,
very sexy and kidnappy, hasn't it?
D'you know, Hallmark
have had to bring out a card in Austria
that says, "Congratulations on escaping
from your underground sex hell. "
I'd quite like to see
the Austrian version of Grand Designs.
"Josef is building
a sex dungeon under the garage,
"but, with three weeks to go,
the concrete still hasn't arrived. "
Have you not found it quite interesting
during the European Championships
to see how many of the players
who go down the tunneI
come back out again?
And d'you know what? The best thing is
that when that's in the papers,
people in the West Country are reading
that like it was fucking Hello! magazine.
"Oh, he's got manacles in the bathtub.
Nice touch. "
I'm only kidding. I love the West Country.
We were in BristoI on tour.
Everybody in BristoI
is just fucking hilarious.
There's a guy in a train station,
trying to buy a sandwich.
And the woman goes,
"That'll be $3, please. "
And he goes, "I'm not paying $3 for that. "
And she says, "Well, it's $3, you know.
Take it or leave it. "
And he walked off. And as he got to
the door, he turned round and he went...
"Well, I'll have the last laugh, right?
Cos I ain't even hungry. "
Almost topped by
the restaurant we went to in BristoI,
where on the toilet wall
someone had drawn a massive cock
and along the shaft they'd written,
"Bon appetit. "
Anything else?
Have you ever been
to Specsavers?
Yes, I went there
to pick up a prescription for your mum.
She's slightly cock-eyed...
since I put my cock in both her eyes.
See, if you start attracting
an audience of schoolchildren,
you get schoolchildren insults.
I'm like the fucking
Pied Piper of Hackney or something.
Anything else?
What were you like
as a teenager?
What was I like as a teenager?
It's difficult to tell
because I locked myself into the bedroom
and turned it into
a sort of masturbation furnace.
I don't know what I was like, but
I was certainly generating enough energy
to power Vienna.
One last one?
Ever licked a lady's arsehole?
Wait, that... That sounded...
Wait a minute.
That sounded like
it had some good value in it.
AII I heard were the words
"lady's" and "arsehole".
My ears pricked up there
and I thought,
"Great, we're gonna
get something here. " What is it, fella?
- Have you ever licked a lady's arsehole?
- Have I ever licked a lady's arsehole?
Why? What does the rest
of your evening involve?
See, I've never really understood
how you get into, like, kinky sex at all.
Cos there must be a point where you
bring it up in conversation, mustn't there?
"Darling, er... you know that mug tree
that we've got in the kitchen?
"Yeah, that's the one.
"I'd like to stick it up
your arse tonight. "
I'd actually be more frightened
that they'd say yes.
"Yes, why not? Get the Breville
sandwich-maker and the lava lamp out.
"Let's make a fucking night of it. "
Ever licked a lady's arsehole
yourself, sir?
What... what did that gesture mean?
"Well, about this many. "
Have you?
No. Thinking about paying for it.
You're thinking about paying for it?
Haven't you seen the Welsh ladies
at the back?
I mean, I'm not guaranteeing
that you're gonna survive.
But at least you get to do it for free.
Any other questions
- by people who are not schizophrenics?
- How long's a piece of string?
"How long's a piece of string?"
Don't start fucking heckling each other.
I don't know. I reckon
if I had about two feet of it
I could choke you to death.
Ever licked a man's arsehole?
What? Have I ever licked
a man's arsehole?
Yes. Strangely, as a straight man, er...
I've never licked a woman's arsehole
but regularly lick a man's arsehole.
Because I used to be
a taster for dog food
and it's the only way I could
get the taste out of my mouth.
I always used to know
when Christmas was coming round
because his arsehole
would start to taste of cranberry.
One finaI one?
Will you sing a Proclaimers song?
Leaving aside the fact that I've already
got the Proclaimers thing
out of the way earlier,
no, I will not sing
a fucking Proclaimers song.
Unless... you allow him
to lick your arsehole.
It's not really the way I imagined
this section of the show going,
to be honest.
See, politicaI correctness
has changed everything, hasn't it?
I mean, people forget that
even politicaI correctness itself
used to be called "spastic gay talk".
Apparently, at Christmas now, we're not
supposed to say "fairy lights" any more
because it might be homophobic.
Apparently, now we've got to call them
"poof lanterns".
It's not politically correct
to talk about women who wear veils.
I don't give a fuck
if they wear a veiI or not.
It's when you see them as tourists
taking photos of each other.
What's the fucking point?
"Could you take that one again?
I blinked. "
They had a woman in a veiI
doing ChanneI 4's Christmas message
last year.
Not great for the deaf viewers.
Though, apparently, if you were deaf
there was a button you could press
and get sign language by Abu Hamza...
who's not brilliant at sign language
because his hook
makes everything sound like a question.
I had a woman in, in a veiI, the other
night and she found that quite funny.
Or annoying or surprising.
It was impossible to tell, really.
Tell you what I hate most in the world -
Children In Need.
Make the children
sit through that pile of shit,
then ask them if they still need
a ventilator that badly.
Charity doesn't work. Because we want
it to work won't make it fucking work.
You might want to give money
to people in Africa
but that money takes
no account of culturaI difference,
takes no account of
the reality of those people's lives.
If you give a man a fish,
he'll eat for a day.
If you give him a fishing rod,
he'll break it up for firewood.
Or swap it for a fish.
Don't bother. Don't send
your children's toys to Africa.
Can you imagine
how depressing it must be
to receive a Tamagotchi
that's gonna outlive you?
"I am dying. Please take this.
It was my grandfather's. "
Tell you what sums TV up to me, right?
There was a TV company
wanted to do a pilot
where you had to spend a night
in a haunted house with John Leslie.
It's like a DIY show with Fred West.
John Leslie?
If you felt cold breath on your neck
you'd be praying it was a fucking ghost.
This is the stuff
we actually get to hear about.
I keep expecting
a pilot to turn up somewhere
that's Stephen Hawking
fighting Christopher Reeve
on Celebrity Robot Wars.
It's so patronising, telly, isn't it?
Fucking things like Gladiators
aren't even programmes.
It's just a distraction -
distract you from the war,
distract you from the economy.
Instead of those shows,
they should just have a guy come on,
get a bunch of keys out
and go, "Look at the shiny, shiny.
"Gladiators has been cancelled.
Look at the shiny, shiny.
"And finally on News At Ten,
look at the shiny, shiny!"
D'you ever watch TV and think,
"This would be a lot more entertaining
"if I'd recently sustained
a massive head injury"?
I watched a show the other day
for the first time. I'd not seen it, right?
You Are What You Eat.
Which works. I mean,
one look at that woman's face,
I can't eat for about three fucking days.
But there was a bit in the episode -
it might happen every week -
she gets a fucking trestle table out
in front of the fat fucker
and loads it up with ice cream
and burgers and chocolate bars.
And they've got to pretend
that they think that this is a bad thing.
She's actually just laid out
their dream fucking buffet.
"Oh, I know, it's terrible. Could you
give me 15 minutes on my own here?"
I saw a show the other week,
a how-to-sell-your-house kind of thing,
and they said if someone's
coming round to view the house,
remember to open your curtains and tidy up.
Well, thanks for that.
I'd been planning on redecorating
using diarrhoea pills and stencils.
Then shaving the word "welcome"
into my fucking dog's back.
That's a joke, clearly. I don't have a dog.
Having pets is fucking tragic.
Having a pet is just basically saying,
"I have tried to find love
"among my own species.
"I have fucking failed.
"I've had to fall back on
the less judgementaI world of animals. "
Is there anything sadder
than seeing someone with a dog
picking up dog shit?
I suppose maybe someone without a dog.
Vet. That's a job I'd like to have.
You can kill the fucking thing,
they've still got to pay you.
"Aye, I fucking killed it. $200, please. "
You can tell them that you're gonna kill it.
"I'm gonna kill it. We're going to get
Rolf Harris in to film the whole thing
"like a fucking snuff video.
"Get your cheque book ready. "
I think it's sad that we can provide homes
for homeless dogs,
we can't do that for homeless people.
I think we should have
a show called Tramp Rescue.
"Do you enjoy
long walks and drinking heavily?"
"Perhaps you could provide
a home for Kenny.
"We don't like
to put a healthy tramp down. "
- What's your greatest fear?
- What is my greatest fear?
It's someone saving up a question
from the clearly delineated
question part of the show...
throwing it in at the end, when I'm trying
to get some fucking momentum going.
I'm actually... I'm terrified of flying.
There's nowhere I want to go to
in the world so much
that I'm willing to be fired towards it
at 700 miles an hour
in a tin can full of other people's farts.
D'you know the thing of the crash
position on planes? You know that?
Where you go like that?
That's actually there so that when
you crash, your teeth stay with your body
and they can identify you from the teeth.
I reckon if you timed it
just right on impact
you could probably spit your teeth
into someone else's lap.
"That'll fucking show them.
"They'll think that six-year-old boy
had a hell of a fucking life. "
Can I ask you a question?
How long is too long
to text back to someone?
My wife still thinks that I died
on September 11th.
It's a good trick for
getting out of a relationship, that.
I picked it up off my dad,
shortly before his untimely death
aboard the Challenger space shuttle.
They're trying to make health
this big issue now.
The Government want to bring in
compulsory dance classes for fat children.
They're not gonna have
the concentration for that, are they?
"Everybody do the mashed potato. "
"Ooh, mashed potato!"
Children are fat because
we lie to them about vegetables
but we don't go far enough.
"Eat your spinach. It'll make you strong. "
"These will help you see in the dark. "
"You've left your sprouts behind. You
won't be shitting laser beams tomorrow. "
"Don't you want to project the bat signaI
out of your Jap's eye?"
Fuck knows where that bit came from.
I'd love to project the bat signaI
out of my Jap's eye.
Suppose Batman would be
quite annoyed when he turned up.
"What seems to be the trouble?"
I've had too many sprouts, Batman!"
"Can I ask you something?
Have you ever licked a woman's arsehole?"
They did a report on Scottish mortality
the other week.
And it's basically
even worse than we thought.
If you live to 100 in Scotland,
the Queen doesn't send you a telegram,
she comes round to your house
and does a handstand
with a sparkler up her arse.
People say there's no such thing
as a good way to die, don't they?
Those are people who've never heard
the phrase "Drug-fuelled-sex heart attack".
They did a health report,
said that Scotland
is the worst small country in the world.
The terrible thing about it
was that our slogan at the time
was "The best small country
in the world".
So we were like
one of those kids at schooI
who tried to come up with
his own nickname.
"Hey, guys, you can call me T-Dog. "
"Oh, we'll be calling you Cunty Chops. "
One of the side-effects
of the smoking ban in Scotland
is that every pub, no matter how shit,
now has tables and chairs outside it.
Basically, Glasgow looks like Paris
after a nuclear war.
The smoking ban - it's all come too late
for poor old Roy Castle, hasn't it?
Roy Castle's gonna be
spinning in his grave now.
Trying to beat the world record
for spinning in his grave.
Held by OJ Simpson's wife.
Apparently, Scotland has
the best mentaI health record in Europe.
I think that's cos in Scotland
you really have to go that extra 10%
to be judged mentaI.
"Sorry, son, we didn't realise
you were a schizophrenic.
"We just thought
you were a bit of a character. "
I used to work with schizophrenics
in an asylum.
I was like a companion to the fuckers.
Yeah, so I'd take them out for a drink
or I'd play cards with them.
I won quite a bit of money. It was good.
One day, I took this old lady out for lunch
and she was a lovely old lady,
but a serious schizoid.
And she said, "Frankie, what's madness?
Because we're sitting here having lunch.
"That couple are sitting over there
having lunch.
"What's schizophrenia?
What's madness?"
And I said, "Yes, but yesterday you said
that Hitler was travelling through time
"to try and steaI your liver. "
She went, "Yeah.
Swings and roundabouts. "
There's stuff I don't understand in life.
There's stuff
I don't understand about sex.
Like nudie calendars.
Who's wanking, going,
"I can't believe it's Pancake Tuesday"?
I actually lost my virginity
to my mother's best friend.
It was my father.
It was the only time
he ever told me he loved me.
My favourite thing I saw this year
was an article in one of
the women's magazines on Valentine's,
entitled How To Tell What's Going
Through The Man In Your Life's Mind
While He's Choosing Your Present.
And it was a surprisingly long article...
which at no point mentioned the words,
"This'll do. "
"A giant Toblerone.
She'll fucking love this!"
I've been reading
a lot of these magazines.
They're getting more and more
like sex manuals, aren't they?
All these articles about how to be
better in bed. It's all aimed at men.
This thing's going,
"Why not surprise your partner
"by having a romantic bath together?
"Add to the atmosphere
with scented candles.
"After her orgasm,
remember to hold your partner
"as this may be
when she feels most vulnerable. "
I don't know why I'm looking
at you here, particularly!
Just got sucked in there.
Not a brilliant choice of words
in the circumstances but...
I mean, there's no balance.
There's nothing telling women how to
give men the sort of sex they really want.
I'd love to see an article
in Marie Claire or something
going, "Why not surprise your partner
"by skipping foreplay altogether?"
"Add to the atmosphere...
by swallowing.
"After his orgasm,
remember to phone yourself a taxi. "
You know how men go, "Oh, women
don't know how to wank us off"?
Don't know why I turned that
into a fucking Al Jolson number.
"They don't know
how to wank us off, Mammy. "
"Mammy". I wish I hadn't said that.
Women are actually
better with their hands than men.
Admittedly, if you get a woman
who doesn't know what she's doing,
it can be a bit like having
someone with Parkinson's Disease
trying to unblock a sink.
What's a guy who doesn't know
what he's doing with his hands like?
It's like a hungry child wearing oven
gloves, trying to get beetroot out of jar.
There's stuff you can't say in bed
at all, isn't there?
I've just found this out recently,
to my fucking cost,
but you know the thing
when you're having sex
and you sort of know
that you're not gonna come?
And you kind of know
that they're not going to come, either.
Well, you're not allowed to go,
"Let's just call it a draw. "
So, I've got kids now. I've got a wee baby.
He's seven months.
I'm starting to get
a bit fucking sick of him, to be honest.
I went to the birth and
it really does bring home the wonder,
I suppose the miracle,
that is contraception.
Seriously, Frodo,
smash your testicles to pieces...
because watching a birth is like
the deleted scenes from Platoon.
I'm only kidding.
I've got a daughter, as well.
If you ever get the chance to have kids,
have kids.
Cos people say it's tiring and it's not.
If you don't live with the mother.
I've moved to London. She'll have to cry
fucking loudly to wake me up.
Kids are a brilliant way
of meeting women.
They're great sort of
conversation starters,
especially if you get them little, cute tops
that say stuff like "Future DJ",
that kind of thing.
My daughter's four.
I've got her a lovely little pink top
that says, "My mummy's dead. "
This is true. I was sitting having breakfast
with my daughter a couple of weeks ago
and she goes, "Daddy,
what's the best thing in the world?"
I didn't even have to think about it.
"Darling, you're the best thing
in the world.
"I didn't even have to think about it.
It's definitely you. "
And she sat there for a bit and
then she went, "For me, it's sausages. "
It's been an absolute pleasure
talking to youse. Take care of yourselves.
And Black Power, motherfuckers!