Ghost Team One (2013) Movie Script

All right.
- Is that good?
- Perfect.
- You got it? All right.
- Perfect.
- Nice! Nice.
- It's a good angle, huh?
- All right, here we go. You ready?
- Yes, sir.
Here we go. Three, two, one.
Hey, guys, what's up? My name is
Sergio and this is my roommate, Brad.
And we have reason
to believe there's a ghost in this house.
100% haunted.
All right.
We set up cameras in all of the rooms...
Every single room's got a camera.
All right, buddy, I don't need you to...
I don't need you
to reiterate everything that I say.
I'm just backing you up.
No, I understand that,
but I feel like I'm confident enough
that I can do an intro
without you jumping in.
Why don't you give me
something to say then?
We've installed a camera in every room.
This is gonna be fucking great!
Hey! Like a pimp!
Holy shit! That's happening.
That's happening right now.
Hey! So what's up, buddy? High five.
Let her know!
Why don't you ever do that to me, Brad?
Go! Go! Go! Go!
Drink that Bud! Drink that Bud!
I'm going in, guys. Wish me luck.
- I'm not leaving, but...
- Okay.
- I mean, I'm gonna see my friends.
- Yeah, that's cool.
But if I go, then I go, but...
Okay, it was very nice...
- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.
- You didn't even get her name.
- Hold on.
No, you didn't get her name.
- Don't make one up.
- Hold on, it rhymes with...
- Don't make one up.
- It rhymes with...
- Are you ready? You ready?
- I'm ready.
- Are you ready?
- I'm ready.
- Three, two, one, go!
- Go!
Asshole! Asshole! Asshole! Asshole!
There he goes!
What the...
Guys, come on.
There's only one rule,
don't fuck in people's rooms.
Stop fucking in the closet.
Stop fucking in the closet, guys.
What the fuck?
Oh, my God.
I think I'm really too drunk for this shit.
I'm okay.
All right.
What the fuck?
Seriously. What?
Are you guys hiding in the fucking bed?
Under? Get out.
Oh, my God.
Hey, Sergio.
Oh, God!
What the fuck? What the fuck?
What the fuck!
Who is it? Who is it?
It's fucking Brad, bro.
What do you mean "Who is it?"
- You pissed yourself.
- I didn't piss myself.
- Did you see something out there?
- No, I saw...
What are you talking about?
I gotta take a shit, okay?
- I'm gonna take a shit right now.
- Please, don't take a shit.
Are you gonna stay in here
or are you gonna get out?
Brad, please don't take a shit right now.
You what?
I don't know, I can't...
Bro, what... Calm down.
So you don't see
a fucking ghost out there?
Stop laughing, please.
I'm gonna get up, and I'm gonna
fucking point my ass at you,
and you're gonna get out.
- Get a hold of yourself.
- Shut the fuck then. Shut it up.
- Fucking shut up. Just, fuck...
- Yeah.
Smell it.
This is what happens
when you pass out, Sergio.
I fuck with your shit.
Yeah, Sergio.
Yeah, you like that, Serge?
You like that in your camera?
A ghost! Oh, my God, there's a ghost!
Oh, my God!
I'm faster than light.
Wake up. Not you. Stay asleep.
- Sergio.
- What?
Are you crying?
- I'm not crying.
- What's wrong with you?
Just leave me alone, dude.
If you're gonna...
- How drunk are you?
- Now is not the time.
- Are you shitfaced?
- Get out.
Did you hear that, Serge?
I don't know if it was your ghost
or not, but it might have been.
- Oh, my God.
- How are you?
- I'm great. How are you?
- Good.
What are you doing over there?
Some extracurricular activities?
I'm just tired and I have to drive.
Do you mind if I do some of that up
in there, and then there?
Yeah. What's your name?
Brad. Let me introduce myself
real quick. Hold on.
- Hi, I'm Brad.
- Nice to meet you.
- What's your name?
- Fernanda.
Fernanda. It's a pleasure.
Sergio, wake up.
- Holy shit!
- Hey.
- Hi!
- I told you I heard something, dick.
Fernanda, this is Sergio.
- I know. We met.
- Yeah, yeah, we met earlier.
- You've met?
- For a second.
- For a second.
- Hi, I'm Becky.
- That's my friend.
- Hi, I'm Fernanda.
- Nice to meet you.
- That's my friend, Becky.
- Okay.
- She hangs out.
Anyways, Serge,
why don't you tell Fernanda
about the little ghost you saw?
Don't be an asshole.
- You saw a ghost?
- He saw a ghost.
Yeah, a fucking Asian chick ghost.
Fucking topknot with
some big old titties.
She looked like Chun-Li
from Street Fighter.
Right? Right, Serge?
She looked like fucking Chun-Li.
Are you serious?
No, did you really see a ghost?
Did you caught it on your video camera?
Well, I mean, I did have the helmet
on when I felt something.
I just... I'm not sure what it was.
But was it like an electronic
pulse or a digital distortion?
What do you think?
I mean, I guess I'd have to download it.
I'm sure you can check it out anytime.
- I love ghosts. Like, I mean...
- You what?
I'm serious. I'm...
- Wait, you're serious, Fernanda?
- What's wrong with her?
I think you should
join our team, you know.
Actually, I'm producing
this project right now.
We're like, shooting,
getting a whole bunch of footage
on what's going on
with these, you know, ghosts and stuff.
What are you doing, Brad?
We're shooting a documentary.
- Who is shooting a documentary?
- Me and Sergio.
Remember I told you about
that... That day...
That thing that
we're doing, the other time?
- No, I don't remember.
- Right, Serge?
Yeah, we're working on a movie
and we would appreciate your insight
into this whole ghost thing.
So just, you know,
if you wanna come over anytime,
you could totally help us out.
I mean, I'm in.
- Yeah, I would love that. Yeah.
- Wow, all right.
Yeah, so, thank you so much.
It was amazing.
And then I'll see you guys soon,
- and we'll do...
- Yeah, just...
You know, you know where we live.
All right, thanks.
- Thanks, it was a really fun night.
- Bye.
Yeah, it was.
I'm still not clear
what she was doing back there with you.
She was fucking snorting llello, bro.
What do you think she was doing?
- Were you doing that, Brad?
- Of course not, Becky!
You think I'm gonna stoop that low?
- No.
- Of course not!
- You did, huh?
- That's kinda bad.
- No! Serge, shut up.
- You did.
I fucked her.
- Let me just see these...
- Don't be a dick!
- Come cuddle with me.
- No, no.
- Yeah, yeah!
- No. Let's make a sex tape.
Be my boyfriend. Baby, wait.
I'll bring you some breakfast, all right?
Sergio's room. Shit.
I'm Chuck. I'm sober. Fuck you.
Hey, it's Chuck.
So... I...
It's really hard going through
what I'm going through
and living with two dipshits.
The one, who looks
just as Mexican as the other one,
points out to me that he's Puerto Rican
and, like, tells me specifically.
How the fuck am I
supposed to know that?
All you guys do is cook Mexican food
and talk Mexican to each other.
Does a racist have
a black drug dealer named "Tug"?
Who I haven't seen in weeks.
- What's this?
- Hey, Chuck.
Why the fuck are you filming me?
Someone took a shit in our sink.
No, I think those are brownies.
- Yeah, brownies?
- Fuck.
Yeah, I know what shit smells like.
Who the fuck is that?
Good morning, neighbor.
The noise level last night was...
Here's my theory, okay?
One of your pothead friends
decided to let his ass loose in our sink,
and instead of cleaning it up,
one of you two fuckwads
covered it up with a plate.
Am I right? Am I close?
I wouldn't jump to conclusions.
Damn it. Motherfucker!
Hi. We'd just like to talk to you about...
Did you shit in my sink?
If I ever see you here again,
I'm gonna kill your friend.
- God damn it!
- Sorry, Chuck.
Shut the fuck up! You guys can have
your fucking parties, all right?
I'll go to my mom's house,
I'll play fucking Jenga.
Whatever! Okay?
I just want a certain amount
of respect when I get home.
Jesus fucking Christ!
Did you hear what the... Tits.
- Hi!
- Hey!
How are you? Hi.
- Hey!
- Hi.
I'm sorry I didn't call,
but I didn't got your guys' numbers.
- It's not too early, right?
- No, no.
- Of course not.
- No, no, no. Not at all.
- Have you seen the ghost?
- What the fuck are you talking about?
You know,
we should probably go to my room.
Let's go to my room, it's bigger.
Yeah, did you mean the room
with the naked Becky in bed?
My friend Becky just...
- She got sick, so...
- Yeah.
- Yeah, let's go to your room.
- Okay!
Let me just pick up.
I wasn't ready for the...
- Do you have a cold?
- I probably wouldn't...
I just... I was just, you know, sick.
Right here.
Watch it.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
Are you in the fucking room?
Okay, stop. You can probably...
Just go ahead and pause it right there.
- Okay.
- That was the ghost screaming,
- and that'd be like, that's the...
- Wow.
Yeah, so it was pretty gnarly,
as you can tell.
I think we should take this
to the next level,
maybe setting up a bunch of cameras.
That's a funny thing
that you should say that
because we were actually
in plans of getting
a whole lot of cameras.
The only thing is that we do have to
take advantage of this camera
that we have right now
until the big shipment comes in soon.
I probably wouldn't touch that.
Don't, please don't...
Just go ahead and leave it.
Yeah, he was sick. He was sick.
What I want is really
to understand this spirit,
or what is going on,
and we can maybe help it.
- You know, help this spirit.
- Yeah, totally.
Another thing is that
we need to introduce ourselves.
- Yeah.
- Maybe not so much Brad, but, like...
Actually, we should
probably interview you.
- What do you think about...
- Yeah, we should interview you.
That's what we were
talking about earlier.
- We were talking about that.
- That's what I had said.
But I don't look good today.
My name is Fernanda Matavilla Fuerte.
And how long have you been
interested in the paranormal?
Probably since my mom passed away,
I always wanted to find ways to try
to communicate with her, so...
I'm sorry, I didn't know.
It's okay.
- Have you ever seen a ghost?
- Yeah.
How many times?
- Six hundred, I don't know.
- Six hundred times?
Well, I never really
counted them, but, yeah...
But you've seen a lot of ghosts?
Six hundred.
Could you tell us about
the first time you saw a ghost?
I was in love with this boy,
and I had all these emotions going,
you know, for my first kiss.
You know,
I thought he was the love of my life.
I still remember how, like, the first
time when he touched my lips
and, like, slowly came down and then
he's starting to touch all my body.
He's like... And go around
and then touching my breast
and then touching my nipple.
I still remember everything.
It was really...
It was really good.
I found out that my love
left me for another girl
that was more developed than me.
I just felt really lonely.
Like, all this pain was just a lot,
you know, when you're a little girl
and you don't have anybody to talk to.
Until one night,
I just felt, like,
this really warm presence next to me.
And all of a sudden,
I just felt, like, that comfort.
And it was my mom.
And she was next to me
and she told me,
"Fernanda, don't worry, it's okay.
"You'll find your true love,
"and you're gonna be
with him forever and ever
"and it'll be eternal love. "
Was that good? I'm sorry.
No, that was...
That was really good.
That was too good.
I'm sorry, I got all...
It's one of the best things
I've ever filmed.
Do you mind if I go to the bathroom?
No, go ahead. Take your time.
Okay, thanks.
Holy fucking shit.
That is the hottest crazy chick
I have ever met in my life.
Come on, dude, she's not crazy.
What do you mean
she's not fucking crazy, bro?
She believes in ghosts.
Were you not there with the footage?
Did you not hear what I heard?
Oh, my God,
those are called orgasms, Sergio, okay?
It's not a big fucking deal to me.
It's not some fucking
alien sound, all right?
Oh, my God, I wanna do
that to her all the time.
- I'm not proud of what I'm about to do...
- What?
- So you just listen closely.
- What's going on?
I'm gonna need you to really
do me a favor, all right?
You have a bunch
of crazy chicks that you can fuck,
and all I'm asking is that
you stay away from this one.
Because I feel like I like her.
- You feel... Fuck you.
- Shut up.
Listen to me, okay? You don't...
That guy right there,
you see that guy? Are you looking?
That guy, he knows.
You don't fall in love
with a crazy chick, okay?
They will fuck you up.
Did you get that or no?
Yeah, maybe I wanna get fucked up.
You ever think of that?
What are you, fucking Rihanna?
You gonna back off?
I wanna hear it. I wanna hear it
out of your fucking mouth.
- Just say it.
- What do you want me to say?
- Back off.
- To you?
Just say you're gonna back off from her.
- No!
- Say it.
- No!
- Say it.
- No!
- Say it.
Now, just now,
because of all of this, for your sake,
I'm definitely fucking her.
I can't even remember the last time
I felt something for someone.
And I'm just...
- If you could...
- I'm pretty sure you felt so...
- Hey, guys. Sorry.
- Don't worry.
We're gonna have
to take it back from the...
I had to make a poopie.
I think we should
do more research about this.
I would love to know more
about these murders and...
- Right. The what?
- The what?
When I put your address on Google,
this came up.
- Okay.
- Holy shit! That's the house!
I guess this Lady Azalea died here.
Wait. What, who died?
What the fuck is a pleasure house?
Wait. What do you mean she died?
It says, "If you want to know more about
the story of the house, buy the book. "
- Well, how much is the book?
- $49.99.
- What the fuck?
- What?
Right here it said that
the author lives in Pasadena.
So I think we should contact him.
Why don't we just contact him
instead of buying the book?
That's what I was just thinking.
No, I think he should be in the movie.
Go straight to the horse's mouth.
Brad, I'm hungry!
- Hey!
- Hi. How are you?
Great, you're here.
- All right, is that good? You got it?
- Perfect. Perfect.
- All right.
- Nice!
- It's a good angle, huh?
- Nice.
- All right, here we go. You ready?
- Yes, sir.
Okay, so camera, camera. Back it up.
There's a camera by the bathroom.
We have cameras
all around the living room.
So basically,
if it's happening, we're gonna see it.
- We're working with Billy Chen, huh?
- Billy Chen!
He's a very talented undergrad,
and he also knows
what good an opportunity this is.
I wasn't scared, I just laughed
because you were...
- Okay.
- This is Fernanda,
the newest member of our group.
- Hola.
- Hey, assholes.
Ching Chong,
get that fucking thing out of my face.
Off limits, or I'll kill you!
- Am I lying? Am I joking right now?
- No, you're not.
Hey, Billy Chen, man, don't...
Don't take that personal.
You know, he's not being a racist
'cause he's really racist.
He's just, like,
not happy about the cameras,
so, you know, his bark is worse
than his preconceived notions.
Yeah, I'm not happy that he didn't tell us
three motherfuckers died here, all right?
Okay, but you gotta
take it down a notch...
- Fuck him!
- ... with the Jay-Z.
- I'll tell him to his face.
- Stop.
Let's be professional, guys.
Hello, Professor Menapace, I'm Brad.
- We contacted...
- Hi!
- Hi.
- Hi.
You must be Fernanda.
- Hi. Nice to meet you.
- Nice to see you.
It's such a pleasure to have you here.
If you can just take a seat,
we'll kinda go over
what we're gonna be talking about.
I have... I have lots of questions
set up, and so, if you could...
Why don't I sit here?
I think this is a better spot.
Yeah, but we already...
See, what happened is,
like, we set up light... Okay.
- All right. Perfect.
- Perfect.
And so, if we could just start with
your name and where you're from.
Professor Menapace.
I have a PhD in History from Brown.
I was a nominated finalist
for the Pulitzer Prize
for my New York Times essay
chronicling harlotry
in the early 20th century.
How did you become interested
in this particular case of Lady Azalea?
She was a pioneer
in her field
as a prostitute.
She allowed us to breathe sexually.
The Golden Shower,
the Dirty Sanchez,
the Glass Bottom Boat,
Ebenezer's Jam, Casper's Wish,
the Boston Cream Pie,
I mean, these are things that
you can all trace back to Lady Azalea.
Can I talk to you?
I wanna hear...
I wanna hear you
ask me some questions.
Do you mind?
Right. I mean, I'm kind of...
I'm feeling... No, I'm feeling a nice...
- Yeah.
- Switch it up.
- Yeah, that will be fine.
- Just...
- Sure, sure, sure.
- I'm gonna switch too, and...
- Thank you, I appreciate it.
- Yes.
Much better.
First question is...
First question is...
Stop. I'm not playing telephone with you.
Ask... Ask about the homicide.
Do you know anything
about the homicides?
"Homo" what?
- Homicides?
- Yes.
The murders?
We're human beings
with desires.
And sometimes,
we can't control our desires.
Lady Azalea snapped!
And in a fit ofjealousy and rage,
she killed two men
in this house.
There were three pools of blood
and only two bodies were recovered.
Lady Azalea's body was
never found.
Hypothetically, if there
was a manifestation
of Lady Azalea in the house...
- How...
- Let me get this straight.
She manifested herself to you?
Already, you... This happened?
Did this apparition
look anything like this?
If Lady Azalea
has made her presence known to you...
- you're fucked!
- I don't live here.
That doesn't matter.
You... You're all fucked.
They're fucked. I'm not fucked.
You're fucked hard.
Do you understand me?
You're fucked.
- Hard.
- Hard?
All of you are fucked hard.
Really hard.
Like, the hardest fuck you can feel.
You're feeling it right now,
I guarantee that.
I wish you luck. I must go.
I want you to hang on to this.
Well, thank you very much
for coming down.
You really shed
some light on this subject.
It was an honor to meet you, Professor.
- We will...
- Yes, thank you.
Thank you.
Well, just, just, just...
- I'll take you to the door.
- Thank you, Professor.
- Thank you.
- Thank you so much.
- Drive safe.
- Have a good night.
- Holy shit, what a creep!
- Wow.
What a great guy!
Were you guys
in the same room that I was in?
- What are you talking about?
- Freaking molester.
- Hector the Molester.
- What?
He was freaking trying to
get her in bed and just...
We live in a whorehouse, Serge.
- He gave us the book.
- What? That doesn't make it any...
- It's a historical monument.
- Here.
You guys are...
- What do you wanna drink?
- No, no, no...
- We're taking shots, right now.
- I can't, guys...
I have to leave.
Get some rest.
- You need to.
- I need my beauty sleep.
No, you don't. You've got plenty of that.
- Bye.
- Okay, bye.
- You guys are so nice. Thank you.
- Get up here.
- We are, right?
- Thank you.
I love being part of this team.
- And I feel like a Ghostbuster.
- We'll see you shortly.
I feel so great.
- We'll see you later.
- Okay, thank you so much.
- Okay! Thank you, bye.
- We'll see you later.
- Bye, Serge. Bye, guys!
- Okay.
Thank you!
I don't know,
but I'm so fucking horny, I can't...
- Are you kidding me, dude?
- We live in a whorehouse!
After everything that
we've listened to today,
all you can think about is being horny?
I know your dick's hard right now.
- I'm not hard because I'm focused...
- Yes, you are.
- ... on the project and I...
- Let me feel it. Let me feel it.
Don't. Stop it. Can you not be
a horn dog for one second?
- Listen, I was born this way.
- Listen. Hey!
Hey, hey, hey!
There are more things
to life than being horny.
- Seriously.
- No, there's not.
What starts life?
- No, sleep.
- That's... No!
You're born 'cause someone's horny
and decided to fuck your mom.
So, I'm just, like,
I woke up this morning
and I saw this come rag on the ground,
and I literally wanted to enter their room
and punch one of them in the face until
his face caved in, but I didn't.
I painted a little portrait
of what my emotions would
manifest if it was, like, a person.
I really, honestly, I really just wanna go
get an eight ball right now,
but I'm not gonna.
- Action.
- Her name...
- No?
- No.
Her name was...
Brad, what the fuck, man!
I'm trying to do this!
I don't have time for this.
Are you gonna be a grownup about it?
Just hold onto the fucking mike.
All right, here we go. Three, two, one.
Her name was...
Why the fuck are we even doing this shit
if Fernanda's not here?
All right, you know what?
Get the fuck out. Come on.
- Go take a nap...
- Yeah, good luck.
- Drink some fucking milk, get out.
- Good luck without the producer.
- Produce that shit.
- Fucking bullshit.
- Produce this. Produce it.
- Just keep...
- Just get out, man.
- Produce!
May 3rd, 1932.
Neighbors report hearing a struggle.
A door slams.
Gunshots ring out in the night.
Three bodies lay dead
in a triangle of lust.
And Lady Azalea was never seen again.
I guess we'll never
find out exactly what happened.
Or will we?
Did you get that?
That was a good zoom, yeah?
Do you like my drawing? Pretty nice?
I say we pick up tae kwon do.
What do you say, Sergio?
Yeah. Sounds good.
I think we should get a tan
so you can see my cuts.
You can come too, Billy.
Oh, my God.
Look at these tits.
- Hey!
- Hi! Hey, what's up?
Hey! Come on in!
So what happened?
We were waiting for you yesterday.
Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.
You know,
I had this thing with my friends,
- so I totally forgot and we went, like...
- Yeah.
- So you don't hate me, right?
- No, we don't hate you.
Never. Give me a hug, you little... Hate.
- Such a strong word.
- Thanks.
- Guess what I brought?
- What?
- Yeah! Ouija!
- Yeah! That's great!
Isn't that kinda dangerous though?
Don't be a pussy. Come on.
- I'm not... I'm just... I'm just saying.
- Hey, man, don't be a pussy.
- Oh, boy.
- Are you moving it, dude?
No, I'm not moving it.
I'm not moving it. Are you moving it?
- No. Are you?
- Shit.
What is that? "B"?
This is moving too fast.
R- A...
"D." Brad.
Brad! She wants Brad, guys.
- Come on. Asshole.
- I'm just... What?
She knows what she wants, all right?
- Seriously, dude.
- I like that in a chick...
- You're out.
- Yeah, you're out.
- What do you mean, I'm out?
- Clearly, you're not capable
enough to be a mature person
to do this, so get out.
- Take a timeout.
- I need to be mature to do this?
- Take a kindergarten timeout, all right?
- This is serious, Brad.
- It's not a game.
- It's not a game?
- It's made by Hasbro, dick.
- Okay.
- Okay? Eight and up, that's the age.
- Be an adult.
Lady Azalea,
we're here for you.
Tell us what you want.
We're ready for you.
We're ready.
- Just tell us right now.
- We're ready.
Shine on.
Here we go, Lady Azalea.
Shine on.
- Just hit us with information.
- Patience, shithead.
Just open it up and lay it down.
Anything at all.
Lady Azalea, if you wanna
say anything, this is the time.
What, dude? What?
You just suck at talking to chicks.
I happen to be really
good at talking to girls.
Okay. Nice.
Should we take a breath?
- Okay, good.
- Your breath smells amazing.
Can you feel that?
You feel that connection?
Lady Azalea, we feel you.
I feel you.
I wanna feel your skin against mine.
I wanna kiss you all over your body.
I wanna feel you closer.
Your breasts,
they're just so luscious, so perfect.
Your booty's like heaven.
Your booty's so fucking good.
- Are you moving it?
- No.
- Are you sure?
- I swear to God.
- "D."
- "D."
I wanna put myself inside of you
and then just live there.
I just wanna be inside of you
just like we're connected as one.
Do you want that?
- That's working.
- Is that what you want? Tell me.
- Keep doing it.
- Is that what you want?
Is that what you want?
You want it, right? Can I give you that?
- Can I give it to you?
- "I."
Just tell me. Tell me.
Tell me you want it.
You know you want it.
You know you want it.
You know it. Tell me.
Tell me you want it.
Oh, my God.
Oh, fuck!
Billy! Fuck you!
What? You okay?
Yeah, I'm good,
I'm good. What do you mean?
- Yeah. I was just worried about you.
- Billy...
- What are you doing? You all right?
- Billy, you okay?
- You good? Billy!
- Billy...
- Did you feel something grab my neck?
- What?
- Did you feel something on your neck?
- No. No.
Yeah, what the fuck just...
- Are you okay?
- Yeah, I'm fine, dude.
- Are you sure?
- Everything... Fuck.
And then Fernanda was doing...
Where is she?
- Where's Fernanda?
- Fuck.
- Where did she go?
- I don't know.
I thought... I thought she...
- Wait, did she run with you?
- I thought she... I thought...
Billy, I thought you were...
I told you not to fuck
with the Ouija board.
- I said it...
- I wouldn't, it was Fernanda's...
We fucked up.
She probably ran the other way.
Fernanda? Hello?
- Hey...
- Hello?
- Hey.
- Why'd you guys run?
Sergio took off running,
so I just had to...
- No, I didn't.
- I was worried about him.
No, that's not... Wait.
What are you doing
sitting there in the dark?
I'm adjusting my eyes.
Hey, so that was crazy what happened
back there, right? I mean, it was...
Yeah, you guys blew out
the circuit breakers,
'cause you, what, you have like,
19 cameras plugged in?
Yeah, we do. Fuckin' Serge.
Listen, I'm sorry,
but I'm just gonna turn this on.
There's something
going on in this house.
Yeah, that's what we were
just saying right outside.
We were like, "There's
something going on in this house. "
- She wants to communicate with us.
- Yeah.
We need to try harder.
- Harder, harder next time.
- Harder.
Are you guys ready to welcome spirits?
- Yeah.
- Yes. Yes.
You are ready?
What the fuck?
This is retarded and you know it, Brad.
You know this is retarded.
This is what they do.
I feel a strong presence in this room.
Okay, no. That's... I know...
It's because it's Chuck's room.
I think I need to go in there.
No, no, we're not allowed.
- Not allowed.
- We don't go in there.
It's one of the... Probably the worst
things you could ever say.
It's probably just the paint.
- Serge, look at me.
- What?
- I am.
- Don't you feel what I'm feeling?
What are you talking about?
- We need to go in there.
- Yeah.
Hey, can we just
take off our shoes please?
Brad, just focus. Focus.
- We need to focus, guys.
- I know,
- but we could probably focus outside.
- Sergio!
Let's open our hearts
and breathe in again.
Let it go.
- Lady Azalea, come.
- Come?
Come, I'll be your vessel.
I could be your vessel.
I could be your vessel, too.
Feel my heart's beating. Right here.
- Me, too. Oh, my God.
- Could you feel us?
Feel her.
Becky, please.
Shut up, Brad.
We're working on something here.
- Guys, let's focus.
- It's a sance.
Oh, my God.
Are you fucking seriously
in my room right now?
Chuck, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.
You know open flames
are a relapse trigger! God damn it!
What the fuck are you
still doing in my room?
Get the fuck out! Get the fuck out
of my face, Ching Chong!
Come on, come on, come on, come on.
Becky, Becky, get in.
Get in, get in, get in.
Oh, my God.
- Close the door!
- Oh, my God!
- Get away from me.
- That was amazing!
- Yeah, it was.
- That was amazing!
Guys, guys, guys...
- Sergio, let's go back.
- No, listen, listen, guys, we're...
We gotta take it down a notch.
This is too much.
- What do you mean?
- We're getting in too deep.
We need to pull out.
We need to pull out, guys.
- The ghost, the ghost.
- Oh, my God.
It's in Chuck's body and it wants...
No! There is no ghost
inside of Chuck's body, okay?
What? Are you retarded?
Jesus! What is wrong with you?
- No!
- What is wrong with you?
- There's no ghost in Chuck's body!
- Were you there?
- Yeah, I was there.
- Brad!
- That's just Chuck, okay? Right, Serge?
- Please!
Let's just compromise.
We'll go back,
but we need to chill right now,
because we don't know
how Chuck is right now.
Whether there's a ghost
or whether there is...
- Serge, are you scared?
- No, I'm not scared.
- Well, you're being scared.
- Physically, Chuck will hurt me.
Your heart's beating. Listen to me.
Just talk to me,
- calm down, breathe.
- Look, look, everyone, stop it.
- I'm here with you.
- Listen, stop it. Hey!
- I've got an announcement.
- Hey! No.
- Stop that over there.
- Big, important announcement.
Get them, Brad.
- Everybody.
- Listen to Becky.
Based on what
I've been watching in this room
and the inability of any
of you to make a decision
or be men, I've decided to join the team.
- That's a good idea.
- Thank you so much!
- No!
- I'm gonna go over there
- and get the ghost!
- No!
- Guys, I actually...
- I think that's a good idea.
I think the ghost actually liked Becky.
- Yeah, I think that's a great idea.
- And, yeah.
No, I think Becky
would be a great addition to the...
No... I agree, I agree.
Hey, Becky, I think it's a great energy
because there's the two of us
and the two of them...
You guys are too much...
This is so great.
I have been told I have great energy...
And I'm gonna...
She's still here.
Your sobriety is a gift.
Go ahead and breathe. Breathe.
He's definitely possessed.
A deaf person could hear you fucktards.
If you guys don't stop filming me,
I'm gonna cut your cocks off,
fuck your own assholes with 'em,
sew them on backwards
and then shit on your face.
Yeah, that's Chuck.
- Sorry, Chuck.
- We're just gonna go.
Are you a ghost?
Because if he is, he has to tell us.
Are you fucking with my mind?
Is this fucking bitch
fucking with my mind?
It's all good. It's all good.
Are you serious, Ching Chong?
What the fuck?
Yeah, you're gonna hide there,
motherfucker? Make your fucking move!
Fucking Lucy Liu
bitch-ass motherfucker!
Yeah, fucking work it out.
It's like football
and you can check people, too.
You can be, like, little checks.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is there someone...
Fuck drugs.
Doesn't say anything about possession.
Doesn't it jump from
one page to another?
- Yeah, it does.
- Like, it skips,
like 20 pages or something?
I noticed that.
We need that chapter for possession.
- Becky!
- Guys!
- Hey, Brad!
- Hey!
You brought Chanel.
I love you, Chanel. You're so cute.
You little, sweet...
Okay, so...
This was a demonstration
of how she senses things about people.
I used to always come here
and I would always think, like,
my dog is being a real bitch
and she's also really stupid.
She just sits
and she stares and she growls.
- Yeah.
- But then you saw the ghost.
And then I started figuring it out.
Chanel's gonna find the ghost.
We're gonna let her loose and
wherever she stares or growls,
that will be where the ghost is.
I believe it's an awesome idea.
I think we should
totally just go with it. Don't you think?
- Yeah. I mean, yeah.
- Right?
Get the ghost, Chanel.
Where's the ghost?
Go get the ghost.
Go get the ghost, sweetie.
Go get the ghost, Chanel.
Chanel, go get the ghost.
Try and get the ghost.
Go get the ghost, Chanel.
Get the ghost, Chanel.
Could you stop
watching the dog, please?
- Brad, what are you doing?
- What do you mean?
I mean, if you believed in her,
she would be going to get the ghost.
- I believe in her.
- I don't think you do.
What the fuck was that?
Holy shit!
What the fuck you assholes doing?
Relax, buddy, it's okay.
Did you break
the lock off the liquor cabinet?
Relax! We got this whole thing...
Where's the camera, guys?
Becky, where the fuck
did you get that camera?
She's gotta go, dude.
I can't have this happen again.
- Look at this.
- I told you that.
You realize how much
I fiddled with this?
I was like this. I was like,
"No, don't do that shit,"
and you're like...
It was our fault, Serge.
No, don't blame yourself, okay?
It was his fault.
He's the one that was like, "Oh... "
She's coming,
so you know what you have to do.
So play it cool.
- Hey!
- Hi!
- Hey, you guys.
- What's going on?
Did you find anything?
We're looking
at the carpet and stuff right now.
Hey, Chanel, how're you doing?
I feel like Chanel felt really weird.
- Let's go outside.
- Maybe, about what was happening.
Let's go outside!
She just feels that
you guys are maybe angry
and she's really sorry.
Okay, okay, let's just go outside,
yeah? No sweat.
You are fucking everything up.
You're leaving this?
We have a good thing going.
For that idiot?
- What? There's no...
- She's an idiot!
What are you even talking about?
There's nothing, no one.
Like, this is not the first time
they break up, you know what I mean?
I have a motto that goes,
"Wait five minutes. "
Have you ever been in a relationship?
I mean, sure.
Have they broken your heart?
I don't feel like
I've put myself in that situation.
Have you broken someone's heart?
- Fuck you!
- Yeah, yeah.
- Fuck you!
- Yeah.
Fuck you! Fuck all of you!
How about you?
You've broken a lot of hearts, I'm sure.
Maybe one day
I'll get to break someone's heart.
- No, you shouldn't break...
- No, I shouldn't.
I just wanna be part of the club, I guess.
Now take her spot real quick,
take her spot.
Shots for a broken heart
Shots for a broken heart
It's my heart
Let's turn this off and just...
Hey, man. We're kind of in the middle...
Can you shut up for a second,
okay? Nobody cares.
If you can respect your friend
a little bit, okay?
Because he's going through
something very difficult right now.
And I think that I should go out
and swallow my sorrows
as if they were liquor shots
and then we all get laid.
Because tonight,
everybody gets laid!
- All right?
- I don't think that's a good idea.
I'm pretty sure that's
gonna happen, all right?
Billy took it down 'cause he's crazy!
All right, let's get back to the job...
Can you please stop it?
We're all going out, right?
Yeah, I mean, if we go as a team...
- As a team, we should definitely...
- Yes.
- That's exactly what we need to do.
- Yes.
Robot, robot, baby.
Yeah, good times, good times
in your butt.
- I'm kidding, I'm kidding.
- What?
- I'm kidding.
- That's kind of weird.
- The remix, the remix.
- Okay.
- Looking sexy!
- Looking good!
Looking good!
- Let's go.
- Let's go.
Come on, Billy, let's get shitfaced.
Yeah, I love cock in my mouth.
I'm kidding, I'm kidding.
Everybody gets laid.
I do think what we totally...
- It is water and sleep.
- Fat chicks and cocaine!
Water and sleep.
Billy, it's time for water and sleep.
Let's have a party!
Hey, come on, man,
you can't leave the fucking booze.
Chuck is gonna kill us.
He's not ready for open containers.
Suck on my dick, Chuck.
- Hey!
- What?
- Check this shit out.
- What is it?
- It's a fucking pipe.
- What kind of pipe?
They must have left this shit
when we had our party.
I feel like this could be like kush.
- No, like, hash.
- It's kush.
- Like hash.
- It's hash!
- Or opium.
- It's good.
It's opium. It's opium, that's what it is.
Yeah, I fucking...
They fucking...
Shit, Serge, fucking suck that shit.
Godly, you'd be a great girl.
- What do you know about...
- It heals your lungs.
- What do you know about opium?
- I read it.
Listen to me, opium comes from Asia.
And the Japanese said, "Opium. "
And that's how they came up
with the name,
but it really comes from Papote,
that's the name of the plant.
- Papote?
- And it was grown in Asia
and that's where it comes from.
Billy knows.
Right, Billy? His grandpa found it.
That makes no sense.
And it's kind of racist to Billy
that you said that.
Is it racist that
I say weed was founded in Jamaica,
because it was? No, it's not.
That actually is pretty, pretty racist.
No, it's not. It's true.
It can't be racist if it's true.
- I'm gonna go to bed, dude.
- No, you're not.
Stop it. We're gonna call a prostitute.
I wanna stick my penis in a melon.
Wait a minute!
We got a hooker at the crib, bro.
We got Lady Azalea-lou-la.
Lady Azalea-le-le.
I've got $7, Lady Azalea,
for your services
because my cock's about to burst.
Billy, I'm going to bed.
You're gonna blow each other.
- Slow down with that light.
- You're gonna blow...
You're gonna blow each other.
And what if we do?
I love whipped cream on my pizza.
Hey, Becky. I'm so sorry
for everything that happened.
I didn't mean it.
That's why I'm freaking out,
because I'm realizing that I love you.
So I think that
we should, you know, be together.
Can you come? Yeah?
I'll be waiting for you upstairs.
What was I eating?
Go back to sleep.
Oh, sweet.
Oh, my God!
- What are you doing?
- What the fuck?
Becky, what the fuck?
- Who are you fucking?
- I don't know, it just...
It was here all of a sudden,
then you came in and it disappeared.
I thought it was you!
- Did you fuck the ghost?
- No!
- No, no, no. Stop, no...
- What happened?
- No, no, no.
- Did you just fuck a ghost?
No! Ghosts aren't real, okay?
You just put your dick in a dead thing.
- Becky, please.
- This has gotten too weird. I'm out.
- No. This is fucked up shit.
- Just stay with me, please.
Just stay with me. Just...
- Becky, just stay with me.
- No. No, no.
Becky, please,
stay with me for just one second.
- Becky!
- Fuck you, Brad.
Come on.
Yep, that's... That's officially Brad
fucking a ghost, everybody.
You know what I think we should do?
We should probably
just retrace our steps
to find out how we got there.
Right? 'Cause I think the first thing
you said was you wanted to
pay the ghost to have sex, right?
- No, I don't remember that.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You said that.
You were sitting on the couch.
No. No, that's not...
I don't know what you're talking about.
No, because if you're not sure,
we could go back to the footage.
No, no, that's fine.
Are you sure?
'Cause maybe Fernanda wanted...
Fernanda, I think you might
wanna take a look at it, right?
- Yeah, sure, maybe.
- Yeah, let's... Let's do it.
This isn't fucking funny anymore,
Serge. All right? Can you stop?
Fernanda would benefit
from figuring out
what you were saying at the time
and maybe that could lead to...
I was saying a lot of things, all right?
- I'm just always just saying, so...
- Okay, Brad,
you shouldn't feel bad about it.
You should consider yourself lucky.
Why, Fernanda?
Because I just fucked a ghost.
It's sexy.
I actually, I wouldn't call it sexy.
I don't think that's the right...
I think it's erotic.
It's like we're all virgins
and you're the man.
I wouldn't say I'm a virgin
as much as I would say
I never had sex with a ghost.
I know but, you know...
Maybe one day you will,
and I just was selected by the entity.
Can I interview you or...
Can I...
I would love to have
an interview with you.
I mean, you know, if that's what...
If that's what we need to do.
I mean, it's kind...
- It was kind of scary, you know?
- Yeah, I bet.
Could we do it without...
Could we do it without you?
It's kind of personal, Serge.
- Is it?
- And you're just always,
you know,
making jokes out of stuff, so...
- Do you mind?
- I'm just,
I'm thinking before I start...
Can you please, Serge?
This is personal, man.
That's cool, that works.
I'm sorry, Brad.
How do you feel?
I mean, was this something that
you always wanted to have
as an experience?
I guess so.
Before you went to bed,
you were feeling sad, happy, horny?
I was... I was tired.
That's why I fell asleep, but...
I guess I was a little bit horny.
- You're a very horny man.
- Yes.
I think she sensed
when there's lust around,
when there's this sexual charge.
See, that night that there was the party,
there was sex around.
And, you know,
she showed up with Sergio.
The other day at the sance when
I was having these weird feelings
towards Sergio,
and then that happened,
and then you...
You took it to the next level.
Are you sexually charged now?
Do you feel sexually charged?
- Yeah.
- Are you ready for a test, maybe?
If you want, we can test her?
Yeah. I mean,
I'm feeling pretty, you know, charged up.
Okay, good.
Touch it.
Okay, it's not working.
- What do you mean?
- It's not working.
What do you mean "it's not working"?
Well, it's... Obviously,
nothing's happening.
You got to...
You know, you got to give it some time.
Maybe I just have to really
pretend I like you.
Maybe I just have to be, like, into you.
I'll try, okay.
Okay, just turn around, turn around.
Okay, okay, wait, wait, wait.
Okay. I like you so much.
You turn me on. Yes.
- Freaking crazy, Brad!
- I was just...
- You're biting me!
- I'm not biting you!
- That hurts.
- Okay, okay, just one more time.
Goodness sakes.
God damn it!
- Like, you...
- Could we please just...
Do you just wanna
stick everything down...
What the hell are you guys doing?
- I'm so happy you're here.
- Are you?
- I think I felt something, yes.
- 'Cause it seems like...
That's really working. You're so...
Just keep kissing me.
Oh, my God! This is so cool, Serge.
Go with it. Go with it.
What's happening?
- It feels good.
- I'm just gonna go.
No, no, no, no, no.
She's liking it, Serge.
Oh, my God. Yeah.
She's coming. Yes.
- What happened?
- Nothing.
- Did you just come in your pants, bro?
- I'm gonna go.
- Serge? Serge?
- Get away. Get away.
Serge? Please, just don't go yet.
What the fuck, guys? Come on!
- Do you not knock?
- Oh, my God! That was so insane!
That was awesome what you did!
- And you!
- Can you...
You're the man! He did... I mean...
Let's just look at me for,
like, five seconds.
Just give me five seconds
of your fucking time,
that's all I'm asking for. Stop it!
I am done with this shit!
I just realized,
I had an insight to my fucking self,
I am not the guy
that comes with friends involved.
And, Fernanda,
you're hot, and you're fucking sexy
and all that great stuff,
but I can't take it anymore!
- But the ghost liked it!
- No! Hey!
I don't give a shit about the ghost!
- I mean, did you see that?
- Because you know what?
I'm doing shit
that I've never done in my life
and you guys
don't give a crap about me!
You are beautiful
and you're fucking nuts
and that's perfect,
because for a second,
for a fucking second
I thought I could hunt,
I could fucking roll with you, okay?
But I'm not, okay?
And this is the fucking proof.
I'm sorry, but you're gonna
have to choose somebody.
- Listen...
- I'm done, I'm done, I'm done,
I'm done putting
all my energies into this project.
- Guys...
- And I'm putting... I'm done just putting
all my energies into you,
so choose one, choose now,
I cannot compete,
I am not built for this shit,
so please, just choose somebody!
Serge, I...
I can't choose.
I'm sorry, you don't have a choice.
You have to choose.
I have a boyfriend.
Of course, you fucking do.
Everybody, Billy Chen, he's got...
Of course, you're gonna
have a boyfriend. I just...
'Cause when I thought that
coming in my pants would be the twist,
it's not the fucking twist,
this is the twist!
So go on.
You have a boyfriend!
Let's talk about the fucking...
Is this a test? Because if you need to
a have a boyfriend to choose me,
- like, that's fine, I don't care...
- You know what? That's...
- I'm sorry, I can't.
- Could you please relax?
Serge, just take five minutes, bro.
You'll get it up again.
- Serge!
- Serge!
I didn't wanna hurt you!
I think we should
just keep going, don't you think?
I think we should definitely, like...
What's wrong with you? Stop it!
- I'm gonna go home.
- For the ghost!
- Don't follow me, you stalker.
- I'm not...
What? You came to our house.
You jerk.
I didn't mean that.
I got to fucking nut
in my pants to get the chick?
Is that what it is?
Hey, do you want
to go to a titty bar, Serge?
- No, man.
- Come on, man,
let's get the fuck out of the house.
Let's go to the titty bar.
Dude, I don't wanna
go to a titty bar right now.
Come on. It's Iraqi Week.
Let's just go.
They... I think they've got a buffet.
Check online.
You could get
some roast beef soup or something.
Why don't you go
look at titties yourself, man?
You've had some time.
I don't wanna go alone, okay?
I wanna be with my friend.
You're the only... Who am I gonna ask?
Chuck? To go to a fucking titty bar?
- Get up, let's go.
- Hey.
- Fucking let's go outside.
- Hey, hey.
- You know what "no" means?
- Fuck Fernanda!
Dude, it's not just Fernanda, okay?
No, it is. Fuck her, all right?
- Yeah, but then there's no movie...
- She just fucked with us.
And I was kind of...
What do you mean?
There is a movie. Look at fucking Billy,
he's still here. There's no movie?
What the fuck has Billy been doing?
Recording me
sitting down like an asshole.
What the fuck is wrong with you, man?
You're the one that got me in this shit.
I didn't wanna fucking do it
and now I'm fucking excited about it.
I fucked a ghost.
Has that ever happened before?
What did we learn
from fucking Fernanda?
It likes to be around sexual situations.
It likes to be around sexual...
Are you getting this, Billy?
Of course, you are.
That's why I fucking love you.
Let's do that then.
Let's show her that we want her.
Maybe she'll come out or something.
I'm willing to sacrifice my dick
for your fucking project, man.
You think fucking Kobe Bryant
wants to wake up
every morning at 5:00
and shoot 500 free throws?
No, he doesn't, but he does,
'cause that's what he was born to do.
- Really?
- That's why he's making the money.
I was born to fuck.
So you're saying
you're the Kobe Bryant of ghost-fucking?
If that's the title
you wanna give me, Serge.
I didn't give you the title.
You kind ofjust did by saying that.
Let's do it, get the footage,
fucking do your shit
with the fucking editing
and put it together,
make millions. Millionaire. Yes?
Please? We're Ghost Team One.
Ghost Team One because
apparently there is more than one.
No, because fucking
"Ghost Team" is stupid, okay?
We're Ghost Team One.
Can you please say it?
Please? Just once?
Okay. Let's take this seriously, then.
One, two, three...
- Ghost Team...
- We're gonna masturbate.
Billy, you're in on this or what?
You're in the crew? Jack off crew?
Yeah! I love it, Billy.
You need this. Let's go.
We got a Lady Azalea, bon apptit,
pussy buffet, baby, right here.
We got dildos to my left
because even when
I'm focused on all these pictures,
I need the peripheral.
So it's like vagina, vagina, vagina,
and then dildo that goes into the vagina.
We got some girl-on-girl, double-P.
We got some ass-licking.
Hey, man.
I'm in the middle
of something, bro.
- I'm in the middle of something.
- I can see that.
I just wanted to let you know that
I don't have a lock on my door,
so just play it cool, okay?
Listen, you need some Vaseline,
some fucking baby oil?
Rub your dick up.
I want it hard as a fucking nail gun!
No, that's the opposite
of what I'm trying to tell you.
I don't want any more
Y tu mam tambin moments, okay?
- You got it. You got it.
- Got it, Billy? All right.
Okay. Take some porn
before you go. Take some.
- No, I probably shouldn't...
- No, no. Please, come on.
Take that one, take that one too.
Take those. You need it.
We need to get this baby up and going,
perk that bitch up.
Take off your pants,
you don't even need pants anymore.
- All right, I'll take this one.
- Take them off.
- Take off your shirt, take off your shoes.
- I'll take this one.
- Can I take both?
- You need some more?
- Take some more?
- Take that one right there, too.
- No, this is fine.
- Are you sure?
All right, just don't whisper...
- Don't whisper at my door please.
- Okay.
Cock nunchucks. Cochunchucks!
I'm psyched.
Not freaking out.
Yeah, looking great.
You know, not scared at all,
just ready to rock 'n' roll.
Yeah, rock out with our cocks out.
Let's do it, guys. Ghost Team One!
Lady Azalea
isn't into this shit.
This didn't work.
I'm kind of relieved because
I don't wanna fuck a ghost.
I don't, it wasn't fun.
Who would wanna fuck a ghost?
That was stupid.
I just want everything
to go back to normal.
You don't scare me, bitch! You don't!
Sergio! I just want Sergio to come.
I can't even fucking get hard, man,
not even a fucking half-chubber.
I don't know what the fuck
is going on with my dick!
I popped six Viagras and
none of them worked, man!
Oh, my God!
Where's my Shake Weight?
Fuck this shit!
Fuck this shit!
Fuck this shit. Fuck it all.
What the fuck are you doing here?
Have you been here this whole time?
Have you heard from Sergio?
Is he in here?
Billy, follow me in here.
Sergio! Sergio!
What the fuck, dude? Just back up.
I thought you were dead, man.
The first thing I said
was not to come into my room,
and you bring Billy along.
I'm uncomfortable with...
Billy's been sitting here the whole time.
I didn't even know he was here!
Jesus Christ!
What the fuck is that smell?
I am naked under my covers,
so please just back away.
Don't do that, please.
- I was worried about you!
- I'm feeling very vulnerable
and I need you guys
to please leave right now.
- Did you see the ghost?
- I didn't see the ghost.
- I didn't either.
- So it didn't work out,
and now I just need five minutes
to put some underwear on.
Please, just don't sit,
don't touch my bed...
Where's your underwear?
I'll get them for you.
No, don't get
my underwear for me. Stop it!
What's up, Billy?
I mean, there are things
that I'd be willing to do for research
and there are things that...
Just too much sometimes.
I saw tentacle porn.
You mean, like, a cartoon?
No, the real deal.
Real tentacles with real people
putting their junk in it.
I miss Fernanda.
Hi! This is Fernanda.
Please leave a message.
Hey! Fernanda, what's going down?
It's Sergio.
I miss you, Fernanda.
I'm sorry, I'm such an idiot
for misinterpreting
you making out with me
and you letting me grab
your boobs and stuff.
I just never felt this way, you know?
I don't even wanna fuck you,
I wanna make love to you.
The project, you know,
is more important
than whatever's happening
between you and me or...
Or Brad, or your boyfriend.
Which, you know, if you wanna
bring him around sometime,
just so he doesn't feel weird
about stuff, that's totally cool.
I feel like dancing,
you know what I'm saying?
I'm in love, I'm in love
and I don't care who knows it!
What I'm trying to say
is that I'm a grown-ass man
and you don't need to
worry a damn thing, girl. I'm serious.
I don't know if your
voice mail's getting full,
but it cut me off this
time a little bit earlier.
I'm such a rambler.
Fast forward through this one,
go to the...
Fast forward through
the second, fast forward...
And then go to the first, and that's
where it starts, so we're backtracking.
Just... I don't even
know if this is recording.
Mailbox full.
Feel me knocking?
Let me in. Talk to you soon.
I'm in love!
It smells like fucking dick.
Brad! You gotta come
and look at this right now.
Hold on.
No, no, no, don't hold on. Please, just...
Hold on. Let me just clean up.
- Hey, do you have, like, a...
- Dude, listen, listen...
I just saw a security cam and...
Brad, watch out!
- Hey, guys.
- What's wrong with you?
- Hey, Chuck.
- How's it going?
- Good, man. How are you?
- You guys hungry?
- No. No!
- I'm hungry.
- I made some pho.
- Some what?
- Pho.
- What is that?
It's a traditional
Vietnamese noodle dish.
Can I taste it?
- Sure.
- Don't taste it, Brad.
- Can I have some?
- We gotta work, remember?
- Shut up! I'm hungry.
- No, please don't.
- No.
- Of course, you can.
- Just a little bit.
- All right, just... Fucking just...
No, we're gonna...
No, no. Fucking don't.
It's good, right?
You made that?
We're gonna work real quick.
- We're under a lot of stress because...
- That's fantastic, Chuck.
- ... we have a deadline and...
- That sounds fun.
- That's a great robe.
- Hey, Billy.
Brad, I gotta show you something.
- Wow!
- Tasty, huh?
- Yeah!
- Sure you don't wanna try some?
No, I'm good, 'cause I really gotta work.
Try some, Serge.
- No, no, I'm good now.
- He made us food, man.
After we work, we'll have all the pho
that I can handle.
We don't have to work!
- Please.
- Get over yourself.
- But thank you, it was very generous.
- Okay.
Bye, Billy.
Can you smell that, dude?
Fucking throw it up. Throw it up.
Throw it up. Just throw it up.
We can't eat that shit.
Come here. Come here, come here.
You gotta look at the fucking footage.
I just fucking saved your life.
Thank me later. Come on.
- And what am I looking at here?
- What the...
Just look at him.
- Is he smoking?
- Yeah.
That's the opium pipe we found,
you know?
Yeah. Yeah.
Is that what you were gonna show?
Yeah, he's not sober anymore.
- That's fucked up.
- No, no, look at him. Look at him now.
Look at him now. Look at his face.
That's just O.P.P. face, baby.
That's not... You're making...
First of all,
you need to get off this whole,
'cause you have no clue.
- Yes, I do.
- No, you don't!
At least he's not doing cocaine
and shit. He's way nicer on opium.
This is not the face of a man that's
on opium or any other kind of drug.
- Yes, it is.
- This is a man
that's got a demon inside of him.
Listen to yourself for a second, okay?
It's O.P.P. face.
Do you think it's a coincidence,
that he's wearing an Asian...
Whatever that is...
Thrift store. LA, welcome.
Do you think it's a coincidence
that he's cooking pho?
Chef lessons, he paints,
he's a fucking artist, well-rounded.
- Big deal.
- You are a fucking blockhead.
I don't even know what that means.
Do you not see the pattern?
It's Asian stuff!
Asian. Lady Azalea's Asian.
- Asian! Possessed! Asian!
- He's picking up...
He's trying out different cultures.
How else do you want me to spell it out?
Remember when he tried
being Turkish for a while?
- Holy shit! How hard is this...
- Hey, boys.
What are you guys watching?
- We're just doing the... A movie.
- We were watching a video.
- You wanna come in?
- Yeah.
Yeah, take a seat. All right.
- Is that me?
- No...
- Yeah, that's you.
- Well, it's just footage, you know.
I'm a movie star.
That's a good one.
Can I... Let's watch?
Well, I think, you know,
we should probably...
Start it over for him.
He's just smoking some opium.
You're so brave, aren't you?
Can't believe I told you guys
not to film me.
Can you believe that?
I mean, it just kinda, just does its thing.
It's just on a loop recording.
We have no control over it.
What am I doing there?
You're just...
You know, let's just,
let's just pause it. It's just...
- Press play.
- I just...
No, I don't think it's a good idea.
Come on, press play.
I really must insist, Chuck...
Press play!
Come on. What are you doing?
Let's go, let's go!
Come on. Come on, man.
Come on, get the fuck...
- We gotta go.
- Wait, wait, wait.
- We gotta go.
- He's not following us. Just calm down!
Back up, Billy! Not now.
Fernanda called.
I gotta tell her about this.
Fuck! Fernanda. Hey.
I just missed your call.
I wish you would answer
your phone calls.
Please just give me a call back
when you get a chance.
Some crazy shit just happened.
All right, just call me back.
- Well, basically, Chuck was...
- Fuck! She's in the house.
- What?
- She's in the house!
I'd like to report an emergency.
There's a demon in my house,
and it's gonna kill
the woman that I love and I would...
Fuck, they hung up on me.
Fucking 911 hung up on me.
- Hey.
- What?
We gotta go back. Billy.
I'm sorry I yelled at you, buddy. Let's go.
Come on, come on, come on, come on,
come on. Come on, buddy.
We don't have a lot of time, let's go.
Fuck! Okay, okay, okay. I got it, I got it.
Go on, just go, just go without me.
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Wait.
Turn on the light,
turn on the light, turn on the light.
- It's not working, it's not working.
- What the fuck?
- You gotta go first. I came in first.
- I'm not gonna go upstairs.
I'm not gonna go! You go.
You go up there.
You go upstairs.
Billy, where you going?
Billy. Billy, where you going?
- Billy, you get the light.
- Billy, wait.
Billy, you get the light.
Does my mother like the painting?
She does? I knew it.
She always liked color blue.
Can I talk to Ricardo now?
Lady Azalea, we have visitors!
Guys, it's her!
Hello, boys!
- Naughty, naughty!
- What are you guys doing?
We're all friends.
- Hello, little China boy.
- Calm down.
Look, Becky, Becky.
Please, Becky, you gotta...
- What the fuck was that shit?
- What are you doing?
- No cell phones in the parlor.
- Why you calling Becky?
I don't know! I don't know!
I fucked up, that was stupid!
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Okay. We don't...
We don't have a signal! No!
Come on, you boys are horny.
Everyone is horny.
I don't get horny at all.
Lady Azalea, you're so beautiful
that they're just shy.
They're just shy guys. Right?
- They're shy little Latino boys.
- Yeah.
Guys, you gotta talk to her.
You never been to
a pleasure house before?
No, no, we've never been...
I went to a chicken ranch
in Guadalajara once with my dad, but...
- Shut the fuck up!
- I'm sorry. I don't know.
Does chicken have these?
No, I don't think so.
Lady Azalea, let's go painting.
- Let's go painting.
- Fernanda, stop it!
- Maybe talk to my mother and my friend.
- Fernanda.
- Please.
- Fernanda, stop, stop.
You respect the pussy!
Hey, guys, really hate
to be those neighbors,
but we need to talk
about the noise level.
- Eyes up here, pretty little China boy.
- Hey, Lady Azalea,
can we talk to Ricardo, please?
I need to talk to Ricardo.
I need to know...
Who the fuck is Ricardo?
He's my boyfriend!
I need to talk to him. Does he love me?
- Is he dead?
- Is he dead?
Yes, he died two years ago
in a car crash.
I tell you, we talk about him later.
Fucking kidding me!
Respect the pussy!
Respect the pussy!
- And now you must pay.
- Oh, my God. No!
- I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
- Oh, my God, I'm so scared.
Respect the puss-a-la.
Now you must pay for the puss-a-la.
You pay! You pay now!
Yes, we'll make an offering, guys.
We make an offering.
Okay, we'll pay. We'll pay...
Yes, yes.
Billy! Wait, put the money down.
Look, look, I can make
an ATM run, and I can go get some...
- No!
- Are you serious?
I got plenty of money.
Show me your pee-pee.
No, my pee-pee has a rash on it,
so you don't wanna see it.
- Fine, virgin boy, you show me.
- No, no, I'm not a virgin.
Whatever she said about my virginity
does not, has nothing to do with it.
I'm not gonna show you my penis.
I can't do that right now.
- I'm not prepared to show you my penis.
- Show me your pee-pee.
- Just show him your pee-pee!
- I don't wanna show him my penis!
Guys, we're not going anywhere
until we have an adult conversation.
We're just gonna wait right here.
I don't want to. I don't want to.
I don't want to.
- Please don't do this to me.
- Show me your pee-pee.
I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna...
- Serge! Serge! Serge!
- Oh, my God! What's happening?
Let him go! What's going on? Serge!
Serge! What's happening to you?
- Serge!
- I got your pee-pee!
I got your pee-pee!
Oh, my God! What is that?
- No!
- Do you need help?
- We are coming in.
- Open the door!
I feel as though we have been invited.
I think so, I think so. They need help.
Brad! Let go! You're making it worse!
Hold the door! Damn it!
Please, come and join us.
Actually, the noise is not a problem.
Exorcise this motherfucker, please!
- Exorcise?
- Do an exorcism!
We don't believe in that!
Okay! All right! All right!
Hold him down! Hold him down!
- To the bed. To the bed.
- I like these boys.
They're touching me.
- This is...
- In the name of Jesus
and the authority
of the Melchizedek priesthood,
I cast thee out!
I cast thee out!
I don't think he understands!
Billy Chen, translate!
I don't speak Vietnamese.
- Fuck you, Billy.
- I speak a little French.
Who the fuck cares about French?
Vietnam was a French colony
- under Indochina rule.
- Okay, okay!
Here, take it! Come on! Get his feet!
- What is he saying? What is he saying?
- I have no idea!
I'm only six.
You guys are hurting my arms.
If you hurt me, you can't fuck me.
I don't wanna fuck you! Jesus Christ!
Oh, my God, it worked.
Thank you, Lord Jesus.
- Ricardo?
- No, no! Keep going! Keep going!
- It's not him! Keep going! Keep going!
- Who's Ricardo?
- No, it's not him.
- Ricardo.
It's not him.
Don't let them take me away from you.
- No, no.
- Please.
I missed you so much.
Just stop!
What the fuck?
What the fuck?
Holy shit! Holy shit!
I make his head explode.
Hey, Billy. You might be next.
- Becky!
- No, don't close the door!
Oh, my God, what the fuck?
Welcome to the house of whore.
You came for me!
No, she not for you. I for you.
No, no, no, I don't want a new girl.
Come here. Rick me.
- What?
- Rick me.
- Rick you?
- You rick me.
Rick my rabia.
- Rick of Arabia?
- Dude, lick his fucking labia!
It's what he said.
You rick me, I ret you go.
- Really?
- Even Steven.
Brad, don't.
Turn off the camera, Billy.
What, no! There's no labia!
- I gotta do it!
- He has to do it.
- This one's for you.
- Brad!
- It was always for you.
- Brad.
My nipple is getting hard.
Billy, turn off the camera!
Billy, you no listen.
- My God! Billy!
- Billy! Billy! Billy!
Here we go.
- Rick it. Rick my wet, hot pussy.
- Come on, Brad.
Suck the demon out, Brad.
- Brad! Suck the demon out!
- You don't have to do this.
Come on! Suck the demon out!
Billy, you come get the camera.
I want to enjoy this.
Yes, this is going to be a hardcore.
Get in there. Respect...
- I can't! I can't do it. I can't, I can't.
- Fuck!
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
I think I got it, I think I got it.
do you have drugs in your bag?
- Yeah, of course, I hadn't even...
- You have coke?
Go get it, go get it. Come on. Brad!
If we can't get
Lady Azalea out of Chuck,
then we can suck Chuck
out of Lady Azalea!
What do you mean?
Respect the pussy.
You no respect the pussy!
- Oh, my God, Brad!
- What the... Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, Brad,
your penis is bleeding!
Holy shit! All right!
Yeah! That is what I am talking about.
You guys...
Man! This is great. Ching Chong's here.
It means it's a party.
Is that... Is that a dead guy?
Are you... Are you still there?
Yeah... Ricardo, yeah, s...
It's been so long.
- My love. I love you.
- S.
- I love you so much. I'll never let you go.
- S.
Be here with me.
Yes, yeah!
Yo understando.
I think our relationship is a lot better
than what it used to be.
We're just happy to be alive,
we're happy to have
our friendship ever so strong.
Happy to have our manhood intact.
And we celebrate it.
We celebrate it, you know?
And I think that's important.
I don't think a lot of people
celebrate their friends.
We camped out on the beach.
We camped out on the beach.
Soothing. And it's very symbolic
because it's...
Yeah, today is the day. Today's the day
I can see what's left.
The doctor said that...
My doctor said that
I could do physical activities,
like, you know, swimming and anything
that raises my blood pressure
because my wounds are fully healed.
It's like a rebirth for me,
you know, I'm being rebirthed.
According to police,
it's humanly impossible
for someone to implode my
- testicle...
- Or head.
Without any physical contact.
All the cops are flirting with Fernanda
and I'm on the floor
nearly bleeding to death.
And they're like,
"What did you do to yourself?"
- They love Fernanda.
- I mean, she looks so fucking good.
- She looks so fucking good.
- I mean, she did. Okay.
I miss her a little bit. You know?
But I feel like I've, you know,
I've worked it through and...
Like, it's a lot of pain...
Like, it made my heart seal up,
and, like, it got, like a shield.
Like, I have a shielded heart now.
So in a way, she helped me.
Fernanda helped us. Right?
It's water under the bridge, right?
- We don't talk to Fernanda, all right?
- We don't.
We don't have to deal with it.
That's it. We have
washed our hands off this situation.
- We pay rent once a month.
- We do have to pay rent
because we're part of the lease
and that's kind of a thing.
- We have, like, three months left.
- There's three months left.
Plus, Chuck is, you know, volatile.
- Hey! Hola, motherfuckers.
- Hey, buddy!
- Hey, Chuck.
- What's up, man?
Hey, it's Ricardo.
You guys got that shit?
- Yeah, yeah, right here, man.
- Cool, cool, cool.
- I'm gonna come down.
- Okay, buddy.
Hold it! Hey, hey.
Tell them that I'm doing queso fundido!
Hey, you guys...
You guys want some queso fundido?
No, no, we're good, man. We're all full.
They're all set.
They're all set, sweetheart.
- You guys sure?
- Yeah. No, no, we're totally...
- You want some cheese? You sure?
- No, we're good, Chuck.
- Hey. It's Ricardo.
- What? I'm sorry?
- It's Ricardo.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You'll blow my fucking game.
- Careful.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You guys don't wanna blow my game,
man. She thinks I'm a ghost.
- That's cool.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, you got my shit?
- Yep. Got cash for you.
- Cash money, good, good, good.
- Yeah.
- Smells good.
Hey, guys, really, bring it in here.
Chico! Hi, Serge, Brad!
You guys wanna come and play
Ouija and ride the white demon?
Demon! Yeah!
I'm kidding.
You guys want queso fundido?
- Yeah, yeah.
- No, no, no, we're good. No.
They're good on the cheese, babe.
Okay, mi amor.
No cheese for us.
Man. She's pretty crazy about ghosts.
- Yeah, no kidding.
- Don't worry. I got it under control.
Okay, that's a real gun. You know what?
You can't really shoot ghosts.
- You can shoot anything.
- Chuck, are you sure you wanna...
Shit! I was...
Well, survived one, there.
We'll see him next time.
Let's get out of here
before it gets crazy. Come on.
- I wanted some queso fundido.
- You wanted queso?
- It just... It sounded really good.
- We'll get you queso.
- I just...
- It's all right. You don't want that queso.
Nobody should ever have that.