Hangover in Death Valley (2018) Movie Script
1
(THUNDER CRASHING)
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
Hold on, hold on,
hold on, hold on.
(THUNDER CRASHING)
For those of you who
don't go to the movies
or to the theater
or watch television,
let me introduce myself.
My name is Peter O'Toole.
(GUITAR STRING TWANGS)
Quite.
For one reason or another,
the motion picture
you are about to watch is
not very clear in parts.
As a matter of fact, it
was made to demonstrate
how not to make a motion picture
and at the same time
win an Academy Award.
In fact, Solomon
at the front office
has thought the occasional word
from me might clarify the plot
and any other vague
portions of the film.
In my view, fat chance.
Still, if you're sitting
comfortably, let us begin.
(THUNDER CRASHING)
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
(CRICKETS CHIRPING)
(WOMAN SCREECHING)
(BLUEGRASS MUSIC)
Now, ladies and gentlemen,
this is the beginning
of the journey in
which two brothers,
Oliver and Stanley Rosenblum,
make their way to a mythical
place called El Dorado,
as depicted in the poem
by Edgar Allan Poe.
But first, they have to appear
at the Las Vegas amphitheater
for a very strange group.
Well I hardly know
how to describe.
Whatever, you'll see.
(JAZZ MUSIC)
Good evening
ladies and gentlemen,
and welcome to the
Nevada Amphitheater
in downtown Las Vegas.
Well here it is the
late '70s going on 1985.
You know most of the
music we hear today
is nothing more than
pre-programmed electronic disco.
We very rarely get
a chance to hear
master blues men practicing
their craft anymore.
By the year 2020, the
music known as the blues
will only exist in the
classical record department
of your local library.
So while we still can,
please welcome from Rock
Island, Illinois the blues music
of Oliver and Stanley Rosenblum:
The Jews brothers.
(PIANO GLISSANDO)
GROUP: Shit!
Get to the Jew boys!
CROWD: Sieg Heil!
(MAN YELLING)
(CAR REVVING)
(GUNS FIRING)
(MEN YELLING)
(CARS REVVING)
("RIDE OF THE VALKYRIES"
BY RICHARD WAGNUR)
I want those Jews
brothers roasting
on a German spit, yeah.
This is America
land of the free,
and I want them
free and over easy.
(LAUGHING)
(AIR FLAPPING)
Why are we performing
to neo-Nazis, Oliver?
OLIVER: It was supposed
to be a bar mitzvah, Stanley.
Whose?
Do you think they're
firing real bullets at us?
Does that answer
your question?
(TIRES SCREECHING)
(MAN YELLING)
(MAN YELLING)
MAN: I've been shot!
Are we going to
the casino, Oliver?
With what?
Didn't we get paid
from the last gig?
I don't think any
California neo-Nazi party
were interested in paying
for any form of entertainment
from two Jewish entertainers,
Stanley, do you?
Maybe not, Ollie.
(MAN MUMBLING)
(BLOWS)
(CHUCKLING)
Wanna have some fun, huh?
(CAR DOOR SLAMMING)
(CHANGE JINGLING)
(BELL DINGING)
(PHONE RINGING)
(MAN LAUGHING MANICALLY)
Hello!
JJ Hamilton, an
agency for the, hello?
Hello!
This can't be a prank
phone call, I (LAUGHS).
Hello?
JJ Hamilton, Agency
for Gifted People!
So what about people
without a bullet proof vest?
What?
JJ, can you hear me?
Yeah, I can hear you.
Who is that?
It's Oliver Rosenblum.
- Who?
- Oliver Rosenblum.
From the Jews brothers.
Oliver!
Oliver, how's my
favorite client?
How's the show going?
JJ, we were fired at.
No problem, don't worry.
Even the best of 'em get
fired once and a while.
- It happens.
- No, JJ.
We were shot at.
Shot at?
What kind of bat
mitzvah is this?
There was no bat mitzvah, JJ.
The roasting these
guys wanted to do
was of me and Stan.
(JJ MUTTERING)
(PHONE RINGING)
Whoa, hold on there, Oliver.
I got another call.
JJ, we need to
get some work quick.
Just a second, okay?
Just stay on the line,
okay, stay on the line.
I'm very busy, but I
always have time for you.
Just stay on the line.
Hello, hello, hello!
Agency for the Stars.
JJ, is that you, you asshole?
What's wrong, Leslie?
What's wrong?
You've done it again.
I thought you were sending me
to some kinky Nazi
party convention.
I get there and this guy
starts giving me shit
because I tossed my
G-string into the fountain,
the same time as they dip a
baby's head into the basin.
How did I know it
was a bat mitzvah?
I thought the stage was done
for something a little hinky,
a bit of water sports maybe.
I don't know about bat mitzvahs.
I'm a stripper, JJ.
They wanted a Blues
Brothers tribute act.
A Jewish which Blues Brothers,
like those other
assholes you represent?
Leslie, now Stanley and Oliver
are professional musicians.
Well it's my pink pussy
that makes you the money.
Remember that, JJ.
How am I gonna sing
the blues with my tits?
Hold on, Lesllie.
Maybe I can find
ya something else.
(LAUGHING)
That's it!
I think I found the
ideal gig for both of ya.
They want a stripper and a band,
and I think you can even take
your half-wit boyfriend with ya.
Now listen, listen
hard and listen quick.
I want you to make a
left on route 66, okay?
That's right near Boon's
Diner and Gas Station,
but don't be late, they
want you for dinner.
Okay, Leslie, gotta go.
Bye bye, bye bye.
(JJ MAKING KISSY NOISES)
- Mwah!
- JJ!
Yeah, Oliver, Oliver.
Oliver, my boy.
I don't know how you did it,
but somehow you got mixed
up at Leslie's show.
Well, I didn't
make the booking.
No, no you didn't.
But I think I got a
winner for ya here.
Are you sure this time?
Would I lie to ya, Ollie?
Come on, I got you covered.
It's the same show as
Leslie, different night.
Okay, take down the details.
So, as Oliver and
Stanley get the address
to their next who in El Dorado,
unknown to them, someone else
who will cross their path
is making a surprise
return visit to her husband
on the other side of town
at a strip club called
the Vertical Smile.
Yeah, this is what you
call matrimonial bliss.
You better come
and do that now.
What's going on?
Who is she, Roy?
What are you
talking about, Darlin?
Get up.
You'll need that to take the
taste away before you leave.
Ah, sweetie pie.
It was only a
slight indiscretion.
Come back!
Meanwhile the boys are finding
that getting to El
Dorado is not easy,
even after getting shot at
by neo-Nazis and ex-wives.
So the question is,
what else can happen?
- (POPPING)
- What the hell was that?
OLIVER: We have a flat.
STANLEY: What, again?
(WHIMSICAL MUSIC)
Now we have the scene
where the spurned wife
meets our heroes down
that dusty back road
leading to El Dorado.
Is she the good
Samaritan they need?
(SQUEAKING)
STANLEY: Ow!
(WHISTLING)
(WHISTLING)
(WHIMSICAL MUSIC)
Where the hell are you going?
I think I can see something?
(OMINOUS CRESCENDO)
(MEN PASSING GAS)
Hoo!
Who was eating them
goddamned beans again?
(WOMAN CHUCKLING)
(SHOES SCUFFING)
So where the
hell have you been?
I think I found some help.
Where?
There, in the desert.
There's about 50 of them.
They look like good ole boys.
We don't need
any help, Stanley.
The car's fixed; let's go.
(ENGINE SPUTTERING)
Shit.
Well, what's wrong, Ollie?
We've ran out of gas.
Looks like we've got a
hole in our tank, Stanley.
I can fix it, but we
ain't got any gas.
Well, what are we gonna do?
You better show me where
those good ole boys are.
I just hope we don't get raped.
Well they look all right.
Well looks can be
deceiving, Stanley.
They sure can, boys.
What are these dudes wearing?
Are they supposed
to be undertakers?
We're the Jews Brothers.
Jews Brothers?
Shit, look more like
the ugly brothers to me.
You make fun of me,
you ugly son of a bitch?
My brother will whip your ass.
Is that a fact?
He's speaking for himself.
That's not what
short-stop said,
is it short-stop?
Let me have him.
I could do with the exercise.
(LAUGHING WICKEDLY)
- I'm a lover, not a fighter.
- Good!
You'll fuck first, then you
can fight for your life.
(HONKING)
- Strip, big boy.
- What?
You heard the lady.
Get your duds off.
(ROCK MUSIC)
You got off lightly, stranger.
But remember we
don't wanna see you
around these parts again.
You understand?
(MOTORCYCLE ENGINE RUMBLING)
Yo, Stanley.
Don't drop rubbish on the floor.
Aren't we in enough trouble?
WOMAN: Are you guys lost?
Well, we've been kidnapped.
Kidnapped?
Yeah, it's a long story.
Could you give us a lift?
- Where to?
- About 20 miles that way.
Sure can, why
don't you get on in.
(TWANGY MUSIC)
You boys all
ready for the feast?
Sure am, Mayor.
- Sure am.
- Very nice, Tommy.
What you got there?
Don't hide it, don't hide it.
It's nipples, sure enough.
I like to suck on a
teat now and then.
(GIGGLES)
Hmm, very tasty.
Very tasty, isn't
that right, Lemmas?
But how do you know
they're female?
They're the ones
without the hair attached,
can't you tell?
(TOMMY GIGGLES)
Well said, Tommy.
Very well said.
I do like the taste
of shortbreads.
Can't beat the sound of
that plop in your mouth
when you bite in that ball.
(CHUCKLES)
Delicious, eh Lemmas?
Look, all ready
for the festival.
(TOMMY LAUGHING)
You got a nice
little something
I could take home for my
dinner tonight, Lemmas?
Hold on.
What's your fancy, Mayor?
I bit kinder, you
know how Ma Louise
likes a nice bit of
lean breast, no fat.
Coming right up.
(WOMAN GROANING)
(WOMAN SCREAMS)
She does carry on
a bit, don't she?
(TWANGY MUSIC)
Dressed in black
Looking fine
And walking real smooth
On the town
On the prowl
No way they could lose
Here they go
On the way
You better stay clear
Dressed in black
Looking fine
Now here comes the fear
Here they go, on their way
You'd better stay clear
Dressed in black
Looking fine
Now here comes the fear
Dressed in black
(JAZZ MUSIC)
(PHONE RINGING)
Darling!
Nothing was happening, I swear.
Why would I want
anybody but you?
I can see naked girls
any day of the week,
but it's you that makes
me hard, sweet pea.
Come back.
I wanna give you something.
Please come back.
Ah, don't beg.
It sounds pitiful.
At least let me remember
you the way that you are,
a sniveling little rat.
Oh, and by the way sweetheart.
Do you remember that suitcase
you left in the loft?
What suitcase?
Oh, you know darling.
The nice little silver
one in the cupboard
with all the money in it.
Why don't we call it a payoff
for all the years
that I gave you?
Oh, and by the way, Roy.
Goodbye, sweetheart.
(ROY SCREAMING)
(TOMMY GIGGLING)
You want something, Missy?
Fill up my baby, laughing boy,
and check under
the hood, will you?
Will do.
Is there a packet
of cigarettes there?
Just as soon as I've
sorted out your car.
Great.
You got a wash room?
Out back, wash basin, too.
To cool off in all this heat.
(TOMMY GIGGLING)
See you got a pussy wagon.
(WATER DRIPPING)
(ELECTRICITY HUMMING)
Oh god, what's that smell?
That'll fuck her chances
of getting out of
Death Valley now.
(GIGGLING)
(ELECTRICITY HUMMING)
(WATER DRIPPING)
Ugh, god.
(CRICKETS CHIRPING)
(ELECTRICITY HUMMING)
(WATER DRIPPING)
(FOREBODING MUSIC)
(JESSICA SCREAMING)
(TOMMY LAUGHING MANICALLY)
(BLUEGRASS MUSIC)
Meanwhile, back at the
front of the gas station,
Oliver and Stanley
arrive trying to find
the town of El Dorado and
a dentist for Stanley.
What they really need is a map.
(TWANGY MUSIC)
Anyone at home?
Yo, I said is anyone at home?
Maybe we should go?
Go where, Stanley?
We're lost, unless you
know the way to El Dorado?
No.
Stanley, if you don't
know and I don't know,
maybe we should ask
someone who does,
you know what I mean?
Yeah.
Hey, it's the
Soggy Bottom Boys.
The Soggy Bottom Boys shit.
We're the Jews Brothers
from Chicago, Illinois,
and we're looking for the
town called El Dorado, mister.
You don't know
the way, do you?
You bet.
I was born and bred there.
El Dorado, no town like it.
Anyway, it says here you're
the Soggy Bottom Boys.
Now, Sir, do we look like
the Soggy Bottom Boys to you?
You do there.
I think we need
a new agent, Ollie.
Do you have a restroom?
What?
I need to have
a pee, you know.
Oh, it's out of order.
Out of order?
Yeah, something
died in there, hoo!
If I don't find
a restroom fast,
something's gonna die here.
I'm sorry, it's locked.
Oh, I'll find somewhere else.
So, do you know
where El Dorado is?
You bet.
Well would you like to enlighten
me with your knowledge?
It's about four
miles down the road,
and you'll see a sign
post on the left.
(TRUNK SLAMMING)
You wouldn't
know where to find
a good dentist
around these parts?
I sure do, mister.
That'd be Doc Martin.
He's on your way out there,
around 10 miles the
other side of town.
He's a good sort of
bones, old Doc Martin.
And he won't cost
you much, either.
- (GIGGLES)
- Thanks!
So where did you go?
I'll tell ya later.
(HARMONICA MUSIC)
Are you sure this
is the way, Ollie?
That's what it
says on the card.
Oh, my tooth.
I think we found it.
Hey, buddy, we're looking
for the Doc Martin.
Does he live around here?
Who wants him?
My brother needs a
dentist, that's all.
I like you boys,
you pay in cash.
That's a real good way
to start a relationship.
- Will it hurt?
- Ooh, do you want it to?
No!
- Well, you're the customer.
- Ollie!
Nothing to worry
about, my little friend.
I rarely miss that vein,
and if I do, the second
one's on the house.
That's not bad.
(STANLEY BREATHING HEAVILY)
Hold 'em down.
(STANLEY WHIMPERING)
Whoa, oh, oh, oh.
Oh, oh, oh!
Ooh!
Hmmm, I got it.
Oh, oh.
Yeah.
Now get down to
the real business.
This is the part I like.
Kind of like digging for gold.
Hell, you never know
what you're gonna find.
(OLIVER LAUGHING)
I think you'd better
wait in the other room.
That's good.
I get real jumpy around
drills, you know?
Yeah, most people do.
Lots of frillies,
but no money.
Shit, shit, shit!
(PHONE RINGING)
Bobby phone?
Bobby phone?
What?
Jessica, you bitch.
Are you there?
You can't do this to me.
It's my fucking money.
You know who you're
fucking with!
Wrong number, tough guy.
(TOMMY GIGGLES)
(ROCK MUSIC)
(GRUNTING AND GIGGLING)
(LESLIE SCREAMING)
Don't worry little lady.
I haven't forgot about you.
Oh!
Let me see your breasts!
(LESLIE CRYING)
I love to feel the smooth
texture of your skin.
I like to stroke the smooth skin
and firm breasts.
No!
(TOMMY LAUGHING)
You smell real good.
You smell like
dead fish up there.
Were you playing
with your boyfriend
before I found you on the layby?
You won't be performing
at our festival.
You'll be the main course.
(TOMMY LAUGHING)
Don't cry, little girl.
Don't cry.
Daddy will only kill
you if you tell a lie.
Let me smell those water
spots between your thighs.
Let me wipe away those tears
from your eyes before you die.
I loved poetry at school.
Can't you tell?
(TOMMY LAUGHING MANICALLY)
No!
(TOMMY WHIMPERING)
Jessica?
Jessica?
You bitch!
You'll pay for that.
(TOMMY COUGHING)
- You'll pay for that.
- No!
(SAW ENGINE RUMBLING)
(ALL SCREAMING)
(TOMMY LAUGHING)
Jess?
Jess?
Jess!
Jessica!
Jessica!
(TOMMY PANTING)
Your boyfriend tastes good!
You want a bite?
Ted, it's Roy.
I need your help.
Something has happened and I
don't know who else to turn to.
Thanks.
(POP MUSIC)
What is this shit?
(COUNTRY MUSIC)
That's better.
Your brother'll be fine.
So were you in
Vietnam or what?
Oh yeah, many moons ago.
I mean, I don't
mean to pry, you know?
No problem.
Oh, so is that you?
Yeah.
Like I said, many moons ago.
You want a beer?
No, thanks.
So, yeah, it's a nice picture.
We were like the Spartan Army.
300 strong.
We could take on anyone.
(JAZZ MUSIC)
300 when we started, anyway.
Good men from good families,
ready and willing to
fight for the cause,
fight the good fight, free
the country of communism,
get rid of the reds.
Red, red, fire in the shed.
I'd rather be dead than red.
One by one we fought until
the cause no longer mattered.
We just wanted to stay
alive, whatever it took.
That 300 became 200,
then 100,
then 50, 20, 10, until it
was only two of us left.
By the end of it,
neither of us knew
what we were fighting for.
It wasn't country or cause.
I'm not even sure it
was for ourselves.
I only knew that I
had to keep going
because one day I'd be
back to a place I loved,
a place where my family lived,
a place I called home.
So you still see him or what?
That's what they gave us.
What?
Nice, real nice.
It's a pocket watch.
That's what they gave us
for serving our country
for six long years,
a pocket watch.
Guess somebody thought that's
all a man's life is worth.
I guess somebody thought that's
all be need is a timepiece
to watch our life ebb away
with no friends by our side.
(DOC MARTIN CHUCKLES)
Now you boys come back
any time you want.
Yeah, we will.
(ENGINE REVVING)
(SMOOTH CELLO MUSIC)
Hiya, Moses.
Hey.
- You got a whiskey for me?
- Sure thing, Mr. Ted.
Mr. Pickleford back there?
Mr. Roy's out back, detective.
Sure do like that shirt.
Thank you.
You want anything else?
Not anything that
anyone else doesn't want.
(MOSES CHUCKLES)
Come in.
Ah, Ted.
Thank god you're here.
Sit down.
What's going on?
Are you in trouble
with protection again?
No, it's nothing like that.
It's Jessica.
Ah, that little bitch.
What'd she do this time?
Catch you fucking one
of the other girls?
Of course not.
Well, yes she did,
but that's not what
I'm worried about.
She's gone missing,
but with my fucking money.
You try calling her?
Well why didn't
I think of that?
Of course I tried calling her.
The last time I called her,
was somebody else on the line.
Some strange shit,
and there was a noise.
It was a (IMITATES BUZZING)
funny noise on the line.
What kind of noise?
It sounded like
a chainsaw to me,
and there was this screaming.
Screaming like oh my
god, I can't describe.
Sounded to me like someone
was being hurt real bad.
You know what I think?
I think she's just
fucking with your head,
like she's been doing
for a really long time.
I don't understand why you
don't just kill the bitch
and be rid of her
once and for all.
Yeah, well, I guess you
like to fuck dancers.
Who wouldn't?
The thing is, you
can't marry 'em.
You can fuck 'em all day,
but don't put 'em
in your kitchen.
Well thank you for
the information, Ted.
TED: You're welcome.
But that's not why I
asked you to come here.
You see Jessica came back early
from a shopping trip in Reno,
and she found me with
one of the new dancers,
a stupid bitch called Sally.
- That a new girl?
- Yeah, now you wait a minute.
(TED LAUGHING)
I'm just saying,
I heard a new name
and you know, makes me crazy.
Is that her right there?
You can have Sally as a gift.
I want the bitch
back and my money.
You can fuck her, too,
and I'll hold her down
for you if you like.
Three is a crowd, but I
thank you for the invite.
Now what else can I do for ya?
I want you to put
a trace on my call.
When you get the
address, you tell me.
I'll do the rest.
All right.
Consider it done.
(CLICKS TONGUE)
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
(CRICKETS CHIRPING)
- You got the meat, boy?
- I sure have here.
Hey, hold it right there.
What the hell have you
been doing to that meat?
I just had a little
fun with it first.
I told you, boy, don't
you play with your food!
Now if you're gonna
fuck something,
make sure it's still alive.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
(PHONE RINGING)
What the goddamn hell is that?
Boons.
Jessica, is that you?
Where the hell did
you get this thing?
I took it from the woman
with the fancy car, Lemmas.
What, not one of them?
No, sir, the bitch
with the yellow Trans Am.
Hey, Steve.
It's me, Ted.
You run that trace for me?
STEVE: Yeah, the signal back
states that the coordinates
for that transmission
is 116.7212,
but it's a little strange, Ted.
Why is that?
STEVE: Well there's just
no town listed in that area.
There's nothing.
Like absolutely nothing at all.
Well, Steve, I
appreciate the info,
but you need to make sure you
keep everything to yourself.
Do you understand?
STEVE: Yeah, no problem man.
I owe ya one.
Let's just say that
you're paid in full.
What do you intend to do?
Well, I'm gonna kill the bitch
and whoever else
that bastard was
on the other end of the phone.
Son, do you want somebody
to find out what you're doing?
No, Sir.
Do you want the police to come
and take you away from here?
No, Sir.
Well I don't think we'll be
needing this anymore, do you?
No, Sir.
(BANJO MUSIC)
Boy, I hope you've
learned a lesson today.
Never steal anything
more than you can eat
from those goddamn heathens!
Because they have strange ways
and you don't wanna catch
their strange ways, now do ya?
No, Sir.
They are outsiders
and they will remain outsiders.
Do you understand?
Yes, Sir.
Okay, it's all right.
Okay.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
(UPBEAT MUSIC)
The boys get in the
edge of their destination,
not knowing what
fate awaits them.
Look, Ollie, it's El Dorado.
(CAR ENGINE RUMBLING)
Now this is what we call
in the industry a wild card,
a group of characters the
audience wasn't expecting.
Well within minutes of the
Jews Brothers entering town
comes the sound of
Eduardo's Desert Tours,
only this time his
coach breaks down
with only one place to go other
than the desert, El Dorado.
A huge mistake, Eduardo.
Everybody off.
What the hell is that?
Do you think we made the
right decision coming here?
There was no where
else to go, Stanley.
Why are we stopping?
The bus is broken down
and there isn't another
stop for 300 miles.
It's either here or the desert.
Asshole.
(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)
Ladies and gentlemen,
today is the 200th anniversary
of our little town.
So tonight we shall celebrate
at El Dorado's own music hall
with our special guests,
live from California,
the Soggy Bottom Boys
and their tribute act.
Is he talking about us?
JJ's done it again.
But we're the Jews Brothers.
Not tonight, we're not.
Hooray!
Come one, come
all, and celebrate
with the Soggy Bottom
Boys live at our Old Opry.
Hiya cowboys, line up,
line up, and try you luck.
Shoot a can if you can.
(GIGGLES)
Would you and your daughter
mind to have a try, Sir?
That's my wife,
shorty, not my daughter.
Cheeky little fucker.
I'll show him.
(GLASS SHATTERING)
Well done, Daddy!
Good shot, cowboy.
Like I said, that's
what I call shooting.
Been buying in El Dorado
for almost 200 years now.
First settlers came to
this part of the desert
to claim the gold, and
then they decided to stay.
How can I help you, little lady?
Is there still gold here?
Good question.
Some say no,
but I believe that if
you wish hard enough
your dreams could come
true at El Dorado.
Fact!
Some say El Dorado was
discovered by a pirate,
a rogue of the sea.
(EERIE MUSIC)
Captain Jake was his name.
Hard drinking,
woman loving pirate
that only cared for the sea.
Like all stories, things didn't
go right for Captain Jake,
and on a night very
similar to tonight,
his ship hit a storm.
He fought the waves!
As his shipped
bobbed on the sea,
like a matchstick on (MUMBLES).
Tell me, what
happened to this pirate?
Well, Captain Jake fought
those waves to the bitter end.
When out of the sea came
a monster from hell.
The Kraken appeared.
Some say it stood 1,000
feet, not an inch more.
Well what did he do?
SHERIFF: Like
any good Captain,
Captain Jake went
down with his ship
as the Kraken curled,
dragging it under the sea,
along with Davy Jones' locker.
Did he die?
Did the Kraken kill him?
Well we're talking
about Captain Jake, here.
A rogue of the sea, little lady.
As Captain Jake watches
the awful scene,
he knows his destiny
must travel another path.
On that path Captain
Jake traveled.
(THUNDER CRASHING)
(GLASS SHATTERING)
(EERIE MUSIC)
That's it, go west
yon man, go west.
So what happened next?
Arr!
Now this part is interesting.
Captain Jake walked
for many a moon,
many a day through
the desert sun.
Legend states that Captain
Jake stumbled on this spot
and as his body melted
into the desert,
became an oasis which
later became El Dorado.
And that, little lady,
is the legend of El Dorado.
This ain't no
Blues Club, Ollie.
What are we gonna do?
Oh, what are we gonna do, Ollie?
We ain't no bluegrass
tribute act.
The only song I know is the one
that Daddy used to sing
us when we were kids!
That's a great idea, Stanley.
- Let's do that one.
- What?
Now our very own El Dorado boy
who will be doing a tune
for all you good city folk.
Come on, Tommy, come up.
(CROWD BOOS)
Bit short for Elvis, ain't he?
(TOMMY SINGING INCOHERENTLY)
(CROWD BOOING)
I can't hear you.
(CROWD BOOING)
(TOMMY SINGING GIBBERISH)
Bring on the Soggy Bottom Boys,
not this crap.
(LAUGHS)
You can do anything, Tommy.
You can just do anything to me.
(CROWD JEERING)
Elvis has left the building!
Ladies and gentlemen,
due to popular demand,
we're gonna cut short our
Elvis appreciation tribute
and go straight to the
main act of the evening.
What are you doing?
I have an idea.
Oh, not another one.
All the way form
southern California,
theirs is a tribute act
to end all tribute acts.
They may be from Las Vegas,
but their hearts are
in the deep south.
Ladies and gentlemen,
the Soggy Bottom Boys.
CROWD: Soggy Bottom Boys!
Soggy Bottom Boys!
Soggy Bottom Boys!
Soggy Bottom Boys!
Soggy Bottom Boys!
Soggy Bottom Boys!
Soggy Bottom Boys!
(CROWD CHEERS)
(TWANGY MUSIC)
On the mountain in Virginia
Stands a lonesome pine
Just below is the cabin home
Of a little friend of mine
Her name is June
And very, very soon
She'll belong to me
What's up with the
phones in this place?
None of them work.
That's El Dorado
for you, buddy.
What can I do for ya, stranger?
I need to get my bus fixed.
You need to see Lemmas.
Who is Lemmas?
He's the butcher
here in these parts.
I need a mechanic,
not a butcher.
It's Lemmas' Chop Shop.
Need anything mechanical
done, that's your man.
You need a lean,
clean, thick steak,
that's your man also.
The man, right.
In the Blue Ridge
Mountains of Virginia
Mountains of Virginia
On the trail of
the lonesome pine
(CROWD CHEERING)
("MAN OF CONSTANT SORROW")
I am a man of
constant sorrow
I've seen trouble
all my days
I bid farewell
to old Kentucky
The place where I
was born and raised
The place where he
was born and raised
For six long years
I've been in trouble
No pleasure here
on earth I've found
For in this world
I'm bound to ramble
I have no friends
to help me now
He has no friends
to help him now
(CROWD CHEERING)
It's fare thee well
my own true lover
I never expect
to see you again
For I'm bound to ride
that northern railroad
Perhaps I'll die
upon that train
Perhaps he'll die
upon that train
Maybe your friends think
I'm just a stranger
My face you never
will see no more
But there is one
promise that is given
I'll meet you on
god's golden shore
He'll meet you on
god's golden shore
Oh good, it's about time.
(CROWD CHEERING)
I need to hit the head.
That was the
Soggy Bottom Boys,
all the way from Las Vegas,
just for you good folk.
Dick?
Dick?
Dick?
Dick!
Do you think I could
help her find her dick?
We haven't got time, Stanley.
Aw, but Ollie.
You can't leave a young lady
wanting a dick, can you?
Dick?
Dick!
What's the point
of having a Dick
when you can't find him?
He's never around
when you need him.
11:58.
She's gonna die.
She's gonna die, Ted.
Fast and hard, like
sperm hitting the condom.
Well then, I'm
gonna go with you.
There's no need.
Two guns are better than one.
You just wanna fuck my wife.
Yes, I do.
(MEN LAUGH)
(TOMMY LAUGHING MANIACALLY)
So Ollie, where
do we go from here?
Yo Stanley, if
JJ's got anything
to do with it, who knows?
Ahh, Ollie!
It's an ear!
(WATER RUNNING)
Back in El Dorado,
Chef Mario gets ready
for the celebration.
Bon appetite, city slickers.
Trying to make a 40
going for a four.
(LAUGHING)
So?
What's cooking, Mario?
My cuisine will be
fit for a king, Mayor.
The meat will just
fall from the bone.
That sounds good, Mario.
We don't want them city
slickers finding out
our little secret
before they need to.
City gourmet.
City gourmet.
(MUMBLES)
(HUMMING)
(LAUGHING)
Ladies and gentlemen,
Chef Mario brings to you
the bistro resistance
in El Dorado cooking!
(CROWD OOING)
Voila!
(CROWD SCREAMING)
(FOREBODING MUSIC)
(BELL RINGING)
Welcome to Boon's, city folk,
home of the combo.
You gentlemen want anything?
Yeah, give me some black
coffee and cigarettes.
- And some information.
- Information?
Information can cost
you, city slickers.
Tough guys from the big city.
Has a woman in a yellow
Trans Am been through here?
- Nope.
- You sure?
Like I say, boss, no pussy
wagon has come this way.
Pussy wagon?
Now that's a strange
expression to use.
Why did you say pussy wagon?
TOMMY: What?
Pussy wagon, why'd you say it?
Yo, boss, I don't understand.
Now say something
funny, laughing boy.
Yo I don't understand, boss.
Oh, you will.
Like I say, no
one's come this way.
Shut up and stop lying!
Roy!
What's going on?
Now say, wrong
number tough guy.
- What?
- Say it!
Wrong number, tough guy.
Roy, talk to me.
Now say it and then laugh.
Roy, talk to me!
I'm not going crazy.
Say it or I'll blow
your fucking brains out
right here, right now.
Wrong number tough guy!
Now say it and mean
it without the stammer.
Wrong number, tough guy.
(ROY CHUCKLES)
You bastard, I
knew it was you.
What have you done
with my money?
Roy, tell me the story!
This is the little fucker
who was on the other
end of the line.
How else would he have known
that she called her
Trans Am a pussy wagon?
Yo money, boss?
Yeah, you're listening now.
Yeah, say you haven't seen
the silver case with my money
before I shoot you
between the eyes.
Money?
Yeah, yeah, money.
A million dollars
of my money, ah!
Uh.
So I'm the little
fucker am I, big boy?
(TOMMY LAUGHING)
Both of you, raise your hands.
I'm gonna take you out back
and show you my workshop.
Where is she?
Where is who, numb nuts?
You answered the phone,
bitch in the Trans Am.
Pussy wagon lady,
she's gonna be taken care of
just like you and your money.
Your time's coming, freak.
This could be the end of us.
Not again.
(GUNSHOTS RESOUNDING)
Hello, Mayor?
Yeah, it's all sorted.
Okay, Tommy.
That's good, lad.
That's real good.
Just come back when
you clear out there.
Yeah, okay.
I'll come right over.
Are the men ready, Lemmas?
Oh yeah.
Yep, they've already
started rounding up
the coach passengers, Mayor.
Good.
(WOMAN SCREAMS)
(GUNSHOT RESOUNDS)
For tonight the clown will rise
and blood will flow in
the streets of El Dorado.
(GUNS SHOOTING)
It seems like someone's
been asking some questions
about the little?
(GUNSHOT)
Who?
(GUN SHOOTING)
I know him.
Friend or foe?
Now it was a long time ago.
He might have forgotten
about me by now.
Kill him anyway.
Bring back the money
if you can find it.
Meanwhile, we'll
carry on looking here.
Okay.
Hey hey
Hey hey
Hey hey yeah
Hey hey hey hey
Oh
Hey
Hey
(MUSIC BLARING ON TV)
Been a long time, Lemmas.
LEMMAS: Too long.
Too many questions,
not enough answers.
There never were.
'Nam was like that.
You want a drink?
I've come here to kill you.
Hell, I know that.
You wanna get ready?
Yep.
LEMMAS: You got
your timepiece?
Ah, you wanna time this?
- Why not?
- Yeah.
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
It wasn't supposed
to be like this.
Oh, yes it was.
Yeah, maybe you're right.
300 men go into battle,
- only two came out alive.
- I remember.
Death stamped our passport,
body bags were ordered.
We weren't meant to live.
Only God makes those choices.
Religion is for
the weak minded,
men who have nothing
else to live for.
Then what do we got?
Death.
Time check.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
11:58 and 20 seconds.
(CLOCK TICKING)
(BLUEGRASS MUSIC)
(MEN SHOUTING)
MAYOR: You found anything?
TOMMY: I've
ripped the car apart,
but I can't find
anything, Mayor.
(MEN SHOUTING)
The bitch hid the
money somewhere.
Maybe she hid it
in the desert, Mayor?
Maybe, or maybe
she did give it
to the dentist for safekeeping?
Citizens of El Dorado,
it's time to dance.
(CLOCK TICKING)
(BOOMING)
Back at Lemmas'
slaughter house,
Tommy cleans up what
is left of Jessica
before he takes
care of our heroes.
Oh dear, Jessica has got
herself into a frightful mess.
Am I dreaming?
(TOMMY GIGGLES)
Depends.
On what, fat boy?
If you're having
my type of dreams.
(TOMMY LAUGHS)
You know my daddy always wanted
me to go to cookery school?
But what do I want
with gourmet cooking
when I could have
food like this?
Do you know where
this came from?
Some rich bitch
with a smooth pussy
that used to sit her ass
on a yellow Trans Am.
She's a Barbie doll!
I know 'cause I found her.
Well, Soggy Bottom Boys,
it looks like it's your time
'cause the whole town
needs sandwiches.
(TOMMY CACKLING)
(TOMMY GROANING)
(SMOOTH MUSIC)
Now ain't that a bit of luck?
Not a gunslinger in sight.
Maybe Oliver and Stanley will
finally escape El Dorado.
Whoop, on the other hand.
Mayor, the Soggy
Bottom Boys are escaping!
Escaping?
Goddammit, I want them dead.
Real dead.
We gotta go kill these
sons of bitches, now.
(BLUES ROCK MUSIC)
(GUNFIRE)
Now this is what
we call a finale.
Riveting, isn't it?
(GUNFIRE)
(SCREAMING)
Don't even think
about it, Stanley.
Well, it's another fine mess.
- Break!
- What?
I said break!
Ollie look, it's the Mayor.
(CRASHING)
(MEN SCREAMING)
(FIRE CRACKLING)
(MEN GROANING)
OLIVER: Look,
Stanley, it's the car.
So Ollie, where's
the next gig?
- I better phone JJ.
- Ah, yeah.
(TIRES SQUEALING)
So what the hell you
got there, Stanley?
Well you know that Trans Am
at the back of the
diner near the washroom?
- Yeah?
- Well in there,
do you want me to take it back?
("HIGHWAY TO HELL" BY AC/DC)
What's so wrong with my food?
What's wrong with my food?
Did I add too many spices?
I don't know.
I want to be a chef.
Aye!
(SOBBING)
What's wrong with my cooking?
What's wrong with my cooking?
Please, God, tell me,
what am I doing so wrong?
Ladies and gentlemen,
that is the end.
(THUNDER CRASHING)
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
Hold on, hold on,
hold on, hold on.
(THUNDER CRASHING)
For those of you who
don't go to the movies
or to the theater
or watch television,
let me introduce myself.
My name is Peter O'Toole.
(GUITAR STRING TWANGS)
Quite.
For one reason or another,
the motion picture
you are about to watch is
not very clear in parts.
As a matter of fact, it
was made to demonstrate
how not to make a motion picture
and at the same time
win an Academy Award.
In fact, Solomon
at the front office
has thought the occasional word
from me might clarify the plot
and any other vague
portions of the film.
In my view, fat chance.
Still, if you're sitting
comfortably, let us begin.
(THUNDER CRASHING)
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
(CRICKETS CHIRPING)
(WOMAN SCREECHING)
(BLUEGRASS MUSIC)
Now, ladies and gentlemen,
this is the beginning
of the journey in
which two brothers,
Oliver and Stanley Rosenblum,
make their way to a mythical
place called El Dorado,
as depicted in the poem
by Edgar Allan Poe.
But first, they have to appear
at the Las Vegas amphitheater
for a very strange group.
Well I hardly know
how to describe.
Whatever, you'll see.
(JAZZ MUSIC)
Good evening
ladies and gentlemen,
and welcome to the
Nevada Amphitheater
in downtown Las Vegas.
Well here it is the
late '70s going on 1985.
You know most of the
music we hear today
is nothing more than
pre-programmed electronic disco.
We very rarely get
a chance to hear
master blues men practicing
their craft anymore.
By the year 2020, the
music known as the blues
will only exist in the
classical record department
of your local library.
So while we still can,
please welcome from Rock
Island, Illinois the blues music
of Oliver and Stanley Rosenblum:
The Jews brothers.
(PIANO GLISSANDO)
GROUP: Shit!
Get to the Jew boys!
CROWD: Sieg Heil!
(MAN YELLING)
(CAR REVVING)
(GUNS FIRING)
(MEN YELLING)
(CARS REVVING)
("RIDE OF THE VALKYRIES"
BY RICHARD WAGNUR)
I want those Jews
brothers roasting
on a German spit, yeah.
This is America
land of the free,
and I want them
free and over easy.
(LAUGHING)
(AIR FLAPPING)
Why are we performing
to neo-Nazis, Oliver?
OLIVER: It was supposed
to be a bar mitzvah, Stanley.
Whose?
Do you think they're
firing real bullets at us?
Does that answer
your question?
(TIRES SCREECHING)
(MAN YELLING)
(MAN YELLING)
MAN: I've been shot!
Are we going to
the casino, Oliver?
With what?
Didn't we get paid
from the last gig?
I don't think any
California neo-Nazi party
were interested in paying
for any form of entertainment
from two Jewish entertainers,
Stanley, do you?
Maybe not, Ollie.
(MAN MUMBLING)
(BLOWS)
(CHUCKLING)
Wanna have some fun, huh?
(CAR DOOR SLAMMING)
(CHANGE JINGLING)
(BELL DINGING)
(PHONE RINGING)
(MAN LAUGHING MANICALLY)
Hello!
JJ Hamilton, an
agency for the, hello?
Hello!
This can't be a prank
phone call, I (LAUGHS).
Hello?
JJ Hamilton, Agency
for Gifted People!
So what about people
without a bullet proof vest?
What?
JJ, can you hear me?
Yeah, I can hear you.
Who is that?
It's Oliver Rosenblum.
- Who?
- Oliver Rosenblum.
From the Jews brothers.
Oliver!
Oliver, how's my
favorite client?
How's the show going?
JJ, we were fired at.
No problem, don't worry.
Even the best of 'em get
fired once and a while.
- It happens.
- No, JJ.
We were shot at.
Shot at?
What kind of bat
mitzvah is this?
There was no bat mitzvah, JJ.
The roasting these
guys wanted to do
was of me and Stan.
(JJ MUTTERING)
(PHONE RINGING)
Whoa, hold on there, Oliver.
I got another call.
JJ, we need to
get some work quick.
Just a second, okay?
Just stay on the line,
okay, stay on the line.
I'm very busy, but I
always have time for you.
Just stay on the line.
Hello, hello, hello!
Agency for the Stars.
JJ, is that you, you asshole?
What's wrong, Leslie?
What's wrong?
You've done it again.
I thought you were sending me
to some kinky Nazi
party convention.
I get there and this guy
starts giving me shit
because I tossed my
G-string into the fountain,
the same time as they dip a
baby's head into the basin.
How did I know it
was a bat mitzvah?
I thought the stage was done
for something a little hinky,
a bit of water sports maybe.
I don't know about bat mitzvahs.
I'm a stripper, JJ.
They wanted a Blues
Brothers tribute act.
A Jewish which Blues Brothers,
like those other
assholes you represent?
Leslie, now Stanley and Oliver
are professional musicians.
Well it's my pink pussy
that makes you the money.
Remember that, JJ.
How am I gonna sing
the blues with my tits?
Hold on, Lesllie.
Maybe I can find
ya something else.
(LAUGHING)
That's it!
I think I found the
ideal gig for both of ya.
They want a stripper and a band,
and I think you can even take
your half-wit boyfriend with ya.
Now listen, listen
hard and listen quick.
I want you to make a
left on route 66, okay?
That's right near Boon's
Diner and Gas Station,
but don't be late, they
want you for dinner.
Okay, Leslie, gotta go.
Bye bye, bye bye.
(JJ MAKING KISSY NOISES)
- Mwah!
- JJ!
Yeah, Oliver, Oliver.
Oliver, my boy.
I don't know how you did it,
but somehow you got mixed
up at Leslie's show.
Well, I didn't
make the booking.
No, no you didn't.
But I think I got a
winner for ya here.
Are you sure this time?
Would I lie to ya, Ollie?
Come on, I got you covered.
It's the same show as
Leslie, different night.
Okay, take down the details.
So, as Oliver and
Stanley get the address
to their next who in El Dorado,
unknown to them, someone else
who will cross their path
is making a surprise
return visit to her husband
on the other side of town
at a strip club called
the Vertical Smile.
Yeah, this is what you
call matrimonial bliss.
You better come
and do that now.
What's going on?
Who is she, Roy?
What are you
talking about, Darlin?
Get up.
You'll need that to take the
taste away before you leave.
Ah, sweetie pie.
It was only a
slight indiscretion.
Come back!
Meanwhile the boys are finding
that getting to El
Dorado is not easy,
even after getting shot at
by neo-Nazis and ex-wives.
So the question is,
what else can happen?
- (POPPING)
- What the hell was that?
OLIVER: We have a flat.
STANLEY: What, again?
(WHIMSICAL MUSIC)
Now we have the scene
where the spurned wife
meets our heroes down
that dusty back road
leading to El Dorado.
Is she the good
Samaritan they need?
(SQUEAKING)
STANLEY: Ow!
(WHISTLING)
(WHISTLING)
(WHIMSICAL MUSIC)
Where the hell are you going?
I think I can see something?
(OMINOUS CRESCENDO)
(MEN PASSING GAS)
Hoo!
Who was eating them
goddamned beans again?
(WOMAN CHUCKLING)
(SHOES SCUFFING)
So where the
hell have you been?
I think I found some help.
Where?
There, in the desert.
There's about 50 of them.
They look like good ole boys.
We don't need
any help, Stanley.
The car's fixed; let's go.
(ENGINE SPUTTERING)
Shit.
Well, what's wrong, Ollie?
We've ran out of gas.
Looks like we've got a
hole in our tank, Stanley.
I can fix it, but we
ain't got any gas.
Well, what are we gonna do?
You better show me where
those good ole boys are.
I just hope we don't get raped.
Well they look all right.
Well looks can be
deceiving, Stanley.
They sure can, boys.
What are these dudes wearing?
Are they supposed
to be undertakers?
We're the Jews Brothers.
Jews Brothers?
Shit, look more like
the ugly brothers to me.
You make fun of me,
you ugly son of a bitch?
My brother will whip your ass.
Is that a fact?
He's speaking for himself.
That's not what
short-stop said,
is it short-stop?
Let me have him.
I could do with the exercise.
(LAUGHING WICKEDLY)
- I'm a lover, not a fighter.
- Good!
You'll fuck first, then you
can fight for your life.
(HONKING)
- Strip, big boy.
- What?
You heard the lady.
Get your duds off.
(ROCK MUSIC)
You got off lightly, stranger.
But remember we
don't wanna see you
around these parts again.
You understand?
(MOTORCYCLE ENGINE RUMBLING)
Yo, Stanley.
Don't drop rubbish on the floor.
Aren't we in enough trouble?
WOMAN: Are you guys lost?
Well, we've been kidnapped.
Kidnapped?
Yeah, it's a long story.
Could you give us a lift?
- Where to?
- About 20 miles that way.
Sure can, why
don't you get on in.
(TWANGY MUSIC)
You boys all
ready for the feast?
Sure am, Mayor.
- Sure am.
- Very nice, Tommy.
What you got there?
Don't hide it, don't hide it.
It's nipples, sure enough.
I like to suck on a
teat now and then.
(GIGGLES)
Hmm, very tasty.
Very tasty, isn't
that right, Lemmas?
But how do you know
they're female?
They're the ones
without the hair attached,
can't you tell?
(TOMMY GIGGLES)
Well said, Tommy.
Very well said.
I do like the taste
of shortbreads.
Can't beat the sound of
that plop in your mouth
when you bite in that ball.
(CHUCKLES)
Delicious, eh Lemmas?
Look, all ready
for the festival.
(TOMMY LAUGHING)
You got a nice
little something
I could take home for my
dinner tonight, Lemmas?
Hold on.
What's your fancy, Mayor?
I bit kinder, you
know how Ma Louise
likes a nice bit of
lean breast, no fat.
Coming right up.
(WOMAN GROANING)
(WOMAN SCREAMS)
She does carry on
a bit, don't she?
(TWANGY MUSIC)
Dressed in black
Looking fine
And walking real smooth
On the town
On the prowl
No way they could lose
Here they go
On the way
You better stay clear
Dressed in black
Looking fine
Now here comes the fear
Here they go, on their way
You'd better stay clear
Dressed in black
Looking fine
Now here comes the fear
Dressed in black
(JAZZ MUSIC)
(PHONE RINGING)
Darling!
Nothing was happening, I swear.
Why would I want
anybody but you?
I can see naked girls
any day of the week,
but it's you that makes
me hard, sweet pea.
Come back.
I wanna give you something.
Please come back.
Ah, don't beg.
It sounds pitiful.
At least let me remember
you the way that you are,
a sniveling little rat.
Oh, and by the way sweetheart.
Do you remember that suitcase
you left in the loft?
What suitcase?
Oh, you know darling.
The nice little silver
one in the cupboard
with all the money in it.
Why don't we call it a payoff
for all the years
that I gave you?
Oh, and by the way, Roy.
Goodbye, sweetheart.
(ROY SCREAMING)
(TOMMY GIGGLING)
You want something, Missy?
Fill up my baby, laughing boy,
and check under
the hood, will you?
Will do.
Is there a packet
of cigarettes there?
Just as soon as I've
sorted out your car.
Great.
You got a wash room?
Out back, wash basin, too.
To cool off in all this heat.
(TOMMY GIGGLING)
See you got a pussy wagon.
(WATER DRIPPING)
(ELECTRICITY HUMMING)
Oh god, what's that smell?
That'll fuck her chances
of getting out of
Death Valley now.
(GIGGLING)
(ELECTRICITY HUMMING)
(WATER DRIPPING)
Ugh, god.
(CRICKETS CHIRPING)
(ELECTRICITY HUMMING)
(WATER DRIPPING)
(FOREBODING MUSIC)
(JESSICA SCREAMING)
(TOMMY LAUGHING MANICALLY)
(BLUEGRASS MUSIC)
Meanwhile, back at the
front of the gas station,
Oliver and Stanley
arrive trying to find
the town of El Dorado and
a dentist for Stanley.
What they really need is a map.
(TWANGY MUSIC)
Anyone at home?
Yo, I said is anyone at home?
Maybe we should go?
Go where, Stanley?
We're lost, unless you
know the way to El Dorado?
No.
Stanley, if you don't
know and I don't know,
maybe we should ask
someone who does,
you know what I mean?
Yeah.
Hey, it's the
Soggy Bottom Boys.
The Soggy Bottom Boys shit.
We're the Jews Brothers
from Chicago, Illinois,
and we're looking for the
town called El Dorado, mister.
You don't know
the way, do you?
You bet.
I was born and bred there.
El Dorado, no town like it.
Anyway, it says here you're
the Soggy Bottom Boys.
Now, Sir, do we look like
the Soggy Bottom Boys to you?
You do there.
I think we need
a new agent, Ollie.
Do you have a restroom?
What?
I need to have
a pee, you know.
Oh, it's out of order.
Out of order?
Yeah, something
died in there, hoo!
If I don't find
a restroom fast,
something's gonna die here.
I'm sorry, it's locked.
Oh, I'll find somewhere else.
So, do you know
where El Dorado is?
You bet.
Well would you like to enlighten
me with your knowledge?
It's about four
miles down the road,
and you'll see a sign
post on the left.
(TRUNK SLAMMING)
You wouldn't
know where to find
a good dentist
around these parts?
I sure do, mister.
That'd be Doc Martin.
He's on your way out there,
around 10 miles the
other side of town.
He's a good sort of
bones, old Doc Martin.
And he won't cost
you much, either.
- (GIGGLES)
- Thanks!
So where did you go?
I'll tell ya later.
(HARMONICA MUSIC)
Are you sure this
is the way, Ollie?
That's what it
says on the card.
Oh, my tooth.
I think we found it.
Hey, buddy, we're looking
for the Doc Martin.
Does he live around here?
Who wants him?
My brother needs a
dentist, that's all.
I like you boys,
you pay in cash.
That's a real good way
to start a relationship.
- Will it hurt?
- Ooh, do you want it to?
No!
- Well, you're the customer.
- Ollie!
Nothing to worry
about, my little friend.
I rarely miss that vein,
and if I do, the second
one's on the house.
That's not bad.
(STANLEY BREATHING HEAVILY)
Hold 'em down.
(STANLEY WHIMPERING)
Whoa, oh, oh, oh.
Oh, oh, oh!
Ooh!
Hmmm, I got it.
Oh, oh.
Yeah.
Now get down to
the real business.
This is the part I like.
Kind of like digging for gold.
Hell, you never know
what you're gonna find.
(OLIVER LAUGHING)
I think you'd better
wait in the other room.
That's good.
I get real jumpy around
drills, you know?
Yeah, most people do.
Lots of frillies,
but no money.
Shit, shit, shit!
(PHONE RINGING)
Bobby phone?
Bobby phone?
What?
Jessica, you bitch.
Are you there?
You can't do this to me.
It's my fucking money.
You know who you're
fucking with!
Wrong number, tough guy.
(TOMMY GIGGLES)
(ROCK MUSIC)
(GRUNTING AND GIGGLING)
(LESLIE SCREAMING)
Don't worry little lady.
I haven't forgot about you.
Oh!
Let me see your breasts!
(LESLIE CRYING)
I love to feel the smooth
texture of your skin.
I like to stroke the smooth skin
and firm breasts.
No!
(TOMMY LAUGHING)
You smell real good.
You smell like
dead fish up there.
Were you playing
with your boyfriend
before I found you on the layby?
You won't be performing
at our festival.
You'll be the main course.
(TOMMY LAUGHING)
Don't cry, little girl.
Don't cry.
Daddy will only kill
you if you tell a lie.
Let me smell those water
spots between your thighs.
Let me wipe away those tears
from your eyes before you die.
I loved poetry at school.
Can't you tell?
(TOMMY LAUGHING MANICALLY)
No!
(TOMMY WHIMPERING)
Jessica?
Jessica?
You bitch!
You'll pay for that.
(TOMMY COUGHING)
- You'll pay for that.
- No!
(SAW ENGINE RUMBLING)
(ALL SCREAMING)
(TOMMY LAUGHING)
Jess?
Jess?
Jess!
Jessica!
Jessica!
(TOMMY PANTING)
Your boyfriend tastes good!
You want a bite?
Ted, it's Roy.
I need your help.
Something has happened and I
don't know who else to turn to.
Thanks.
(POP MUSIC)
What is this shit?
(COUNTRY MUSIC)
That's better.
Your brother'll be fine.
So were you in
Vietnam or what?
Oh yeah, many moons ago.
I mean, I don't
mean to pry, you know?
No problem.
Oh, so is that you?
Yeah.
Like I said, many moons ago.
You want a beer?
No, thanks.
So, yeah, it's a nice picture.
We were like the Spartan Army.
300 strong.
We could take on anyone.
(JAZZ MUSIC)
300 when we started, anyway.
Good men from good families,
ready and willing to
fight for the cause,
fight the good fight, free
the country of communism,
get rid of the reds.
Red, red, fire in the shed.
I'd rather be dead than red.
One by one we fought until
the cause no longer mattered.
We just wanted to stay
alive, whatever it took.
That 300 became 200,
then 100,
then 50, 20, 10, until it
was only two of us left.
By the end of it,
neither of us knew
what we were fighting for.
It wasn't country or cause.
I'm not even sure it
was for ourselves.
I only knew that I
had to keep going
because one day I'd be
back to a place I loved,
a place where my family lived,
a place I called home.
So you still see him or what?
That's what they gave us.
What?
Nice, real nice.
It's a pocket watch.
That's what they gave us
for serving our country
for six long years,
a pocket watch.
Guess somebody thought that's
all a man's life is worth.
I guess somebody thought that's
all be need is a timepiece
to watch our life ebb away
with no friends by our side.
(DOC MARTIN CHUCKLES)
Now you boys come back
any time you want.
Yeah, we will.
(ENGINE REVVING)
(SMOOTH CELLO MUSIC)
Hiya, Moses.
Hey.
- You got a whiskey for me?
- Sure thing, Mr. Ted.
Mr. Pickleford back there?
Mr. Roy's out back, detective.
Sure do like that shirt.
Thank you.
You want anything else?
Not anything that
anyone else doesn't want.
(MOSES CHUCKLES)
Come in.
Ah, Ted.
Thank god you're here.
Sit down.
What's going on?
Are you in trouble
with protection again?
No, it's nothing like that.
It's Jessica.
Ah, that little bitch.
What'd she do this time?
Catch you fucking one
of the other girls?
Of course not.
Well, yes she did,
but that's not what
I'm worried about.
She's gone missing,
but with my fucking money.
You try calling her?
Well why didn't
I think of that?
Of course I tried calling her.
The last time I called her,
was somebody else on the line.
Some strange shit,
and there was a noise.
It was a (IMITATES BUZZING)
funny noise on the line.
What kind of noise?
It sounded like
a chainsaw to me,
and there was this screaming.
Screaming like oh my
god, I can't describe.
Sounded to me like someone
was being hurt real bad.
You know what I think?
I think she's just
fucking with your head,
like she's been doing
for a really long time.
I don't understand why you
don't just kill the bitch
and be rid of her
once and for all.
Yeah, well, I guess you
like to fuck dancers.
Who wouldn't?
The thing is, you
can't marry 'em.
You can fuck 'em all day,
but don't put 'em
in your kitchen.
Well thank you for
the information, Ted.
TED: You're welcome.
But that's not why I
asked you to come here.
You see Jessica came back early
from a shopping trip in Reno,
and she found me with
one of the new dancers,
a stupid bitch called Sally.
- That a new girl?
- Yeah, now you wait a minute.
(TED LAUGHING)
I'm just saying,
I heard a new name
and you know, makes me crazy.
Is that her right there?
You can have Sally as a gift.
I want the bitch
back and my money.
You can fuck her, too,
and I'll hold her down
for you if you like.
Three is a crowd, but I
thank you for the invite.
Now what else can I do for ya?
I want you to put
a trace on my call.
When you get the
address, you tell me.
I'll do the rest.
All right.
Consider it done.
(CLICKS TONGUE)
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
(CRICKETS CHIRPING)
- You got the meat, boy?
- I sure have here.
Hey, hold it right there.
What the hell have you
been doing to that meat?
I just had a little
fun with it first.
I told you, boy, don't
you play with your food!
Now if you're gonna
fuck something,
make sure it's still alive.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
(PHONE RINGING)
What the goddamn hell is that?
Boons.
Jessica, is that you?
Where the hell did
you get this thing?
I took it from the woman
with the fancy car, Lemmas.
What, not one of them?
No, sir, the bitch
with the yellow Trans Am.
Hey, Steve.
It's me, Ted.
You run that trace for me?
STEVE: Yeah, the signal back
states that the coordinates
for that transmission
is 116.7212,
but it's a little strange, Ted.
Why is that?
STEVE: Well there's just
no town listed in that area.
There's nothing.
Like absolutely nothing at all.
Well, Steve, I
appreciate the info,
but you need to make sure you
keep everything to yourself.
Do you understand?
STEVE: Yeah, no problem man.
I owe ya one.
Let's just say that
you're paid in full.
What do you intend to do?
Well, I'm gonna kill the bitch
and whoever else
that bastard was
on the other end of the phone.
Son, do you want somebody
to find out what you're doing?
No, Sir.
Do you want the police to come
and take you away from here?
No, Sir.
Well I don't think we'll be
needing this anymore, do you?
No, Sir.
(BANJO MUSIC)
Boy, I hope you've
learned a lesson today.
Never steal anything
more than you can eat
from those goddamn heathens!
Because they have strange ways
and you don't wanna catch
their strange ways, now do ya?
No, Sir.
They are outsiders
and they will remain outsiders.
Do you understand?
Yes, Sir.
Okay, it's all right.
Okay.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
(UPBEAT MUSIC)
The boys get in the
edge of their destination,
not knowing what
fate awaits them.
Look, Ollie, it's El Dorado.
(CAR ENGINE RUMBLING)
Now this is what we call
in the industry a wild card,
a group of characters the
audience wasn't expecting.
Well within minutes of the
Jews Brothers entering town
comes the sound of
Eduardo's Desert Tours,
only this time his
coach breaks down
with only one place to go other
than the desert, El Dorado.
A huge mistake, Eduardo.
Everybody off.
What the hell is that?
Do you think we made the
right decision coming here?
There was no where
else to go, Stanley.
Why are we stopping?
The bus is broken down
and there isn't another
stop for 300 miles.
It's either here or the desert.
Asshole.
(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)
Ladies and gentlemen,
today is the 200th anniversary
of our little town.
So tonight we shall celebrate
at El Dorado's own music hall
with our special guests,
live from California,
the Soggy Bottom Boys
and their tribute act.
Is he talking about us?
JJ's done it again.
But we're the Jews Brothers.
Not tonight, we're not.
Hooray!
Come one, come
all, and celebrate
with the Soggy Bottom
Boys live at our Old Opry.
Hiya cowboys, line up,
line up, and try you luck.
Shoot a can if you can.
(GIGGLES)
Would you and your daughter
mind to have a try, Sir?
That's my wife,
shorty, not my daughter.
Cheeky little fucker.
I'll show him.
(GLASS SHATTERING)
Well done, Daddy!
Good shot, cowboy.
Like I said, that's
what I call shooting.
Been buying in El Dorado
for almost 200 years now.
First settlers came to
this part of the desert
to claim the gold, and
then they decided to stay.
How can I help you, little lady?
Is there still gold here?
Good question.
Some say no,
but I believe that if
you wish hard enough
your dreams could come
true at El Dorado.
Fact!
Some say El Dorado was
discovered by a pirate,
a rogue of the sea.
(EERIE MUSIC)
Captain Jake was his name.
Hard drinking,
woman loving pirate
that only cared for the sea.
Like all stories, things didn't
go right for Captain Jake,
and on a night very
similar to tonight,
his ship hit a storm.
He fought the waves!
As his shipped
bobbed on the sea,
like a matchstick on (MUMBLES).
Tell me, what
happened to this pirate?
Well, Captain Jake fought
those waves to the bitter end.
When out of the sea came
a monster from hell.
The Kraken appeared.
Some say it stood 1,000
feet, not an inch more.
Well what did he do?
SHERIFF: Like
any good Captain,
Captain Jake went
down with his ship
as the Kraken curled,
dragging it under the sea,
along with Davy Jones' locker.
Did he die?
Did the Kraken kill him?
Well we're talking
about Captain Jake, here.
A rogue of the sea, little lady.
As Captain Jake watches
the awful scene,
he knows his destiny
must travel another path.
On that path Captain
Jake traveled.
(THUNDER CRASHING)
(GLASS SHATTERING)
(EERIE MUSIC)
That's it, go west
yon man, go west.
So what happened next?
Arr!
Now this part is interesting.
Captain Jake walked
for many a moon,
many a day through
the desert sun.
Legend states that Captain
Jake stumbled on this spot
and as his body melted
into the desert,
became an oasis which
later became El Dorado.
And that, little lady,
is the legend of El Dorado.
This ain't no
Blues Club, Ollie.
What are we gonna do?
Oh, what are we gonna do, Ollie?
We ain't no bluegrass
tribute act.
The only song I know is the one
that Daddy used to sing
us when we were kids!
That's a great idea, Stanley.
- Let's do that one.
- What?
Now our very own El Dorado boy
who will be doing a tune
for all you good city folk.
Come on, Tommy, come up.
(CROWD BOOS)
Bit short for Elvis, ain't he?
(TOMMY SINGING INCOHERENTLY)
(CROWD BOOING)
I can't hear you.
(CROWD BOOING)
(TOMMY SINGING GIBBERISH)
Bring on the Soggy Bottom Boys,
not this crap.
(LAUGHS)
You can do anything, Tommy.
You can just do anything to me.
(CROWD JEERING)
Elvis has left the building!
Ladies and gentlemen,
due to popular demand,
we're gonna cut short our
Elvis appreciation tribute
and go straight to the
main act of the evening.
What are you doing?
I have an idea.
Oh, not another one.
All the way form
southern California,
theirs is a tribute act
to end all tribute acts.
They may be from Las Vegas,
but their hearts are
in the deep south.
Ladies and gentlemen,
the Soggy Bottom Boys.
CROWD: Soggy Bottom Boys!
Soggy Bottom Boys!
Soggy Bottom Boys!
Soggy Bottom Boys!
Soggy Bottom Boys!
Soggy Bottom Boys!
Soggy Bottom Boys!
(CROWD CHEERS)
(TWANGY MUSIC)
On the mountain in Virginia
Stands a lonesome pine
Just below is the cabin home
Of a little friend of mine
Her name is June
And very, very soon
She'll belong to me
What's up with the
phones in this place?
None of them work.
That's El Dorado
for you, buddy.
What can I do for ya, stranger?
I need to get my bus fixed.
You need to see Lemmas.
Who is Lemmas?
He's the butcher
here in these parts.
I need a mechanic,
not a butcher.
It's Lemmas' Chop Shop.
Need anything mechanical
done, that's your man.
You need a lean,
clean, thick steak,
that's your man also.
The man, right.
In the Blue Ridge
Mountains of Virginia
Mountains of Virginia
On the trail of
the lonesome pine
(CROWD CHEERING)
("MAN OF CONSTANT SORROW")
I am a man of
constant sorrow
I've seen trouble
all my days
I bid farewell
to old Kentucky
The place where I
was born and raised
The place where he
was born and raised
For six long years
I've been in trouble
No pleasure here
on earth I've found
For in this world
I'm bound to ramble
I have no friends
to help me now
He has no friends
to help him now
(CROWD CHEERING)
It's fare thee well
my own true lover
I never expect
to see you again
For I'm bound to ride
that northern railroad
Perhaps I'll die
upon that train
Perhaps he'll die
upon that train
Maybe your friends think
I'm just a stranger
My face you never
will see no more
But there is one
promise that is given
I'll meet you on
god's golden shore
He'll meet you on
god's golden shore
Oh good, it's about time.
(CROWD CHEERING)
I need to hit the head.
That was the
Soggy Bottom Boys,
all the way from Las Vegas,
just for you good folk.
Dick?
Dick?
Dick?
Dick!
Do you think I could
help her find her dick?
We haven't got time, Stanley.
Aw, but Ollie.
You can't leave a young lady
wanting a dick, can you?
Dick?
Dick!
What's the point
of having a Dick
when you can't find him?
He's never around
when you need him.
11:58.
She's gonna die.
She's gonna die, Ted.
Fast and hard, like
sperm hitting the condom.
Well then, I'm
gonna go with you.
There's no need.
Two guns are better than one.
You just wanna fuck my wife.
Yes, I do.
(MEN LAUGH)
(TOMMY LAUGHING MANIACALLY)
So Ollie, where
do we go from here?
Yo Stanley, if
JJ's got anything
to do with it, who knows?
Ahh, Ollie!
It's an ear!
(WATER RUNNING)
Back in El Dorado,
Chef Mario gets ready
for the celebration.
Bon appetite, city slickers.
Trying to make a 40
going for a four.
(LAUGHING)
So?
What's cooking, Mario?
My cuisine will be
fit for a king, Mayor.
The meat will just
fall from the bone.
That sounds good, Mario.
We don't want them city
slickers finding out
our little secret
before they need to.
City gourmet.
City gourmet.
(MUMBLES)
(HUMMING)
(LAUGHING)
Ladies and gentlemen,
Chef Mario brings to you
the bistro resistance
in El Dorado cooking!
(CROWD OOING)
Voila!
(CROWD SCREAMING)
(FOREBODING MUSIC)
(BELL RINGING)
Welcome to Boon's, city folk,
home of the combo.
You gentlemen want anything?
Yeah, give me some black
coffee and cigarettes.
- And some information.
- Information?
Information can cost
you, city slickers.
Tough guys from the big city.
Has a woman in a yellow
Trans Am been through here?
- Nope.
- You sure?
Like I say, boss, no pussy
wagon has come this way.
Pussy wagon?
Now that's a strange
expression to use.
Why did you say pussy wagon?
TOMMY: What?
Pussy wagon, why'd you say it?
Yo, boss, I don't understand.
Now say something
funny, laughing boy.
Yo I don't understand, boss.
Oh, you will.
Like I say, no
one's come this way.
Shut up and stop lying!
Roy!
What's going on?
Now say, wrong
number tough guy.
- What?
- Say it!
Wrong number, tough guy.
Roy, talk to me.
Now say it and then laugh.
Roy, talk to me!
I'm not going crazy.
Say it or I'll blow
your fucking brains out
right here, right now.
Wrong number tough guy!
Now say it and mean
it without the stammer.
Wrong number, tough guy.
(ROY CHUCKLES)
You bastard, I
knew it was you.
What have you done
with my money?
Roy, tell me the story!
This is the little fucker
who was on the other
end of the line.
How else would he have known
that she called her
Trans Am a pussy wagon?
Yo money, boss?
Yeah, you're listening now.
Yeah, say you haven't seen
the silver case with my money
before I shoot you
between the eyes.
Money?
Yeah, yeah, money.
A million dollars
of my money, ah!
Uh.
So I'm the little
fucker am I, big boy?
(TOMMY LAUGHING)
Both of you, raise your hands.
I'm gonna take you out back
and show you my workshop.
Where is she?
Where is who, numb nuts?
You answered the phone,
bitch in the Trans Am.
Pussy wagon lady,
she's gonna be taken care of
just like you and your money.
Your time's coming, freak.
This could be the end of us.
Not again.
(GUNSHOTS RESOUNDING)
Hello, Mayor?
Yeah, it's all sorted.
Okay, Tommy.
That's good, lad.
That's real good.
Just come back when
you clear out there.
Yeah, okay.
I'll come right over.
Are the men ready, Lemmas?
Oh yeah.
Yep, they've already
started rounding up
the coach passengers, Mayor.
Good.
(WOMAN SCREAMS)
(GUNSHOT RESOUNDS)
For tonight the clown will rise
and blood will flow in
the streets of El Dorado.
(GUNS SHOOTING)
It seems like someone's
been asking some questions
about the little?
(GUNSHOT)
Who?
(GUN SHOOTING)
I know him.
Friend or foe?
Now it was a long time ago.
He might have forgotten
about me by now.
Kill him anyway.
Bring back the money
if you can find it.
Meanwhile, we'll
carry on looking here.
Okay.
Hey hey
Hey hey
Hey hey yeah
Hey hey hey hey
Oh
Hey
Hey
(MUSIC BLARING ON TV)
Been a long time, Lemmas.
LEMMAS: Too long.
Too many questions,
not enough answers.
There never were.
'Nam was like that.
You want a drink?
I've come here to kill you.
Hell, I know that.
You wanna get ready?
Yep.
LEMMAS: You got
your timepiece?
Ah, you wanna time this?
- Why not?
- Yeah.
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
It wasn't supposed
to be like this.
Oh, yes it was.
Yeah, maybe you're right.
300 men go into battle,
- only two came out alive.
- I remember.
Death stamped our passport,
body bags were ordered.
We weren't meant to live.
Only God makes those choices.
Religion is for
the weak minded,
men who have nothing
else to live for.
Then what do we got?
Death.
Time check.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
11:58 and 20 seconds.
(CLOCK TICKING)
(BLUEGRASS MUSIC)
(MEN SHOUTING)
MAYOR: You found anything?
TOMMY: I've
ripped the car apart,
but I can't find
anything, Mayor.
(MEN SHOUTING)
The bitch hid the
money somewhere.
Maybe she hid it
in the desert, Mayor?
Maybe, or maybe
she did give it
to the dentist for safekeeping?
Citizens of El Dorado,
it's time to dance.
(CLOCK TICKING)
(BOOMING)
Back at Lemmas'
slaughter house,
Tommy cleans up what
is left of Jessica
before he takes
care of our heroes.
Oh dear, Jessica has got
herself into a frightful mess.
Am I dreaming?
(TOMMY GIGGLES)
Depends.
On what, fat boy?
If you're having
my type of dreams.
(TOMMY LAUGHS)
You know my daddy always wanted
me to go to cookery school?
But what do I want
with gourmet cooking
when I could have
food like this?
Do you know where
this came from?
Some rich bitch
with a smooth pussy
that used to sit her ass
on a yellow Trans Am.
She's a Barbie doll!
I know 'cause I found her.
Well, Soggy Bottom Boys,
it looks like it's your time
'cause the whole town
needs sandwiches.
(TOMMY CACKLING)
(TOMMY GROANING)
(SMOOTH MUSIC)
Now ain't that a bit of luck?
Not a gunslinger in sight.
Maybe Oliver and Stanley will
finally escape El Dorado.
Whoop, on the other hand.
Mayor, the Soggy
Bottom Boys are escaping!
Escaping?
Goddammit, I want them dead.
Real dead.
We gotta go kill these
sons of bitches, now.
(BLUES ROCK MUSIC)
(GUNFIRE)
Now this is what
we call a finale.
Riveting, isn't it?
(GUNFIRE)
(SCREAMING)
Don't even think
about it, Stanley.
Well, it's another fine mess.
- Break!
- What?
I said break!
Ollie look, it's the Mayor.
(CRASHING)
(MEN SCREAMING)
(FIRE CRACKLING)
(MEN GROANING)
OLIVER: Look,
Stanley, it's the car.
So Ollie, where's
the next gig?
- I better phone JJ.
- Ah, yeah.
(TIRES SQUEALING)
So what the hell you
got there, Stanley?
Well you know that Trans Am
at the back of the
diner near the washroom?
- Yeah?
- Well in there,
do you want me to take it back?
("HIGHWAY TO HELL" BY AC/DC)
What's so wrong with my food?
What's wrong with my food?
Did I add too many spices?
I don't know.
I want to be a chef.
Aye!
(SOBBING)
What's wrong with my cooking?
What's wrong with my cooking?
Please, God, tell me,
what am I doing so wrong?
Ladies and gentlemen,
that is the end.