Happiest Season (2020) Movie Script
1
...surprised when he saw all
those presents under the Christmas tree,
and she was one of them.
Now, this house was originally owned
by Herbert Flackshaw,
who started this tradition
on Candy Cane Lane.
He even hired his nephew, Otis,
to play Santa Claus for many years
until he was arrested
for child endangerment in 1992.
You guys gotta look at this house.
This house is the site...
Are you having fun?
Are you having fun?
-Yes, I think this is cute.
-It is, yeah.
Oh, God. You hate it.
No, I don't hate it.
I'm just not a huge Christmas person.
I know, I know. But...
How can you not like the lights,
the decorations and the Christmas trees?
Fun fact!
Did you know that Christmas trees
are responsible for an annual average
of four deaths,
15 injuries
and a loss of $12 million?
Okay, I get it.
I think you made your point.
Thank you for trying to get me to like
Christmas. I love that you love it.
I'm just so content
taking care of other people's pets
-when they're away for the holiday--
-Come with me.
Wait, where are we going?
You know these people?
-What are you doing?
-Come here.
Still not clear on the plan.
Will you shut up
and follow me, please? Come on.
Well, does this do anything for you?
This is beautiful.
I hate that you're gonna be alone
on Christmas. I'm gonna miss you.
-Hey, I'm gonna miss you, too.
-We could just stay up here.
I'd do that.
Hey! I hear you up there.
I'm calling the police!
-Abby?
-Harper!
Oh, my God. Are you okay?
Oh, no. What do I do?
Stay there. I'm gonna get you down.
-Okay, yeah.
-Shit.
-What are you doing out there?
-Harper?
-Are you peeping? Don't you peep at me.
-Oh, God!
Abby?
Oh, my God. Are you okay?
I'm so great.
-Here, here. Here, come on.
-Okay.
We gotta go. She's coming. Go! Run!
Yeah, you better run. Pervert!
Who said you could come downstairs?
Giddyup.
Come with me.
Where?
To my parents' house for Christmas.
Oh, really?
I've got the pets to sit.
Oh, my God. Get someone to cover for you.
I want to wake up with you
on Christmas morning.
If that doesn't convince you
to love Christmas,
I'll never bring it up again.
Deal.
Hi.
Hey.
Sit down.
What's going on in here?
I woke up thinking about going home
with you and got...
very excited about Christmas.
Baby, you don't have to come with me.
-No, I want to.
-No, no, no. I--
I feel like I put you
on the spot last night,
and I understand
how you feel about Christmas
because you lost your parents,
-and you just don't have--
-No, no, no. I genuinely want to go.
I get to meet the people
that made my favorite person.
Okay.
-But who's gonna look after those pets?
-John's gonna cover for me.
I know why you're worried but don't be.
I am all in on Christmas.
-Good.
-Yeah.
For the cat, you can go every other day,
but the dog and fish need
-to be seen morning and night.
-Okay.
The apartment on Butler has
this weird lock,
so if you jiggle it, it will lock,
but make sure you do that.
-Yes.
-What are you doing on your phone?
Sorry. I left a gentleman alone
in my apartment,
so I'm tracking him
to make sure he leaves.
-You're tracking him?
-I track everybody.
If the NSA can do it, so can I.
And he's gone. What were you saying?
I wrote it all down.
They're really specific.
-But if you need anything, you can call.
-Abigail, don't worry.
I'm responsible for the careers
of dozens of authors.
I'm capable of taking care
of a few pets for two days.
-It's five days.
-Five days. That's what I said.
-Refill?
-Hi.
And I think I made the right decision,
but at the same time--
-What is Ultrasuede?
-Ultrasuede is a water-resistant fabric.
-Hello.
-What are we doing here?
-Can I help you?
-I'm picking up.
-Abby Holland.
-Oh, yes, of course.
Wait right here. I'll be right back.
Enjoy some champagne.
Thank you. I love champagne.
Here we are.
-May I?
-Yeah, of course. Thanks.
There it is.
No.
You and Harper have
a perfect relationship.
Why do you want to ruin that by engaging
in one of the most archaic institutions
in the history of the human race?
-Because I want to marry her.
-Okay, you say that,
but what you're actually doing is tricking
the woman you claim to love
by trapping her in a box
of heteronormativity
and trying to make her your property.
She is not a rice cooker
or a cake plate. She's a human being.
It's not about owning her.
It's about building a life with her.
She is my person,
and I really want everyone to know that.
I suppose that's one way of looking at it.
So, when are you gonna ask her?
I was thinking of doing it on New Year's,
but now that I'm going home with her...
I understand this is very old-fashioned,
but I'm gonna ask her dad for his blessing
and propose on Christmas morning.
I'm sorry, ask her dad for his blessing?
Way to stick it to the patriarchy.
Really well done.
I'm so excited. I can't believe
I'm finally gonna meet everyone.
I haven't had a family Christmas
in ten years.
Also, a fact you don't know about me,
I am actually very good with parents.
Okay. There's something
that we should talk about
-before we get to my parents' house.
-What is it?
Do you remember this summer
when I came out to my parents
and told them we were together,
and they took it really well?
Yeah.
Okay, well, that wasn't entirely accurate.
They didn't take it well?
No, no, no.
I didn't tell them.
I was going to.
And then my dad told us
that he was running for mayor,
and it just didn't feel like
the right time.
And now he's trying to get
the support of this donor,
and our whole Christmas is
about impressing this person,
which is stressing my mom out
even more than usual.
And I just...
I know that if I tell them now,
their reaction is gonna be colored
by all this other stress.
And I'm sorry, I don't think
that's fair to you or to us.
Then why did you invite me?
Because we were just having
such a special night,
and, fine, I got carried away.
But it's because I love you
and I want to give you
such a great Christmas.
-We're off to a great start.
-I'm so sorry.
-So, who do they think I am?
-My roommate.
They don't think it's weird that you're
bringing your roommate home for Christmas?
No, because I told them
that you had nowhere else to go
because your parents
are no longer with us.
I'm not going.
Look, this is actually
a really good opportunity
for them to see how amazing
and kind and smart you are.
You said it yourself,
you're great with parents.
So, they're gonna meet you.
They're gonna fall in love with you.
And that will make it so much easier
when I do tell them.
Look...
I get it, okay?
I am asking a lot of you.
But I promise, I will tell them everything
after the holidays.
Okay, we can do this.
It's five days. How bad can it be?
Should I have some sort of cover story
or something?
-Oh, no, no. Just be you.
-Okay.
I mean, but don't, you know,
say that we're together, obviously.
You know, maybe don't mention
that you're...
-Gay?
-Yeah.
I think it might be better
just to avoid it.
But don't lie. You're a very bad liar.
No, I'm not.
-Hi.
-Hi.
Wait.
Mom, what are you doing?
I started an Instagram feed
for your father
to give voters a peek behind the curtain.
Your mother's going viral.
Hi.
Look at you.
You get more and more beautiful
every single time I see you.
Mom, stop.
-Did you bring concealer?
-Yeah. This is Abby.
Hi, Abby. It is so nice to meet you.
It's so nice to meet you, too.
Thank you for having me here.
It is nothing.
Harper's father and I are always happy
to open our doors to those in need.
-Where is Dad?
-He's on a call.
-Okay. Well, we are gonna--
-Harper!
-Jane. I have asked you not to do that.
-I know. I didn't listen.
I didn't think you'd be here,
but here you are.
I didn't want to wait one more second
to see my little sis.
I was changing the air filters.
-It's sticky.
-Thank you, Jane.
-Yeah, hi. You must be Abby.
-Yeah. Nice to meet you.
You, too.
I'm so sorry about your parents.
Oh, no.
It happened a long time ago.
You're so brave. You don't need to be.
-Jane.
-Mom, can you do something?
Okay, that's enough, Jane.
-Jane, too much. Too much.
-You're always safe with--
So, this is our living room.
-That's a beautiful piano.
-Isn't it?
I wish my daughters had bothered
to learn to play it,
but it does look nice.
-I took lessons for eight years.
-And this is the den.
You're sure Harry will be there
tomorrow night, right?
Perfect. Carolyn, I'll call you later.
My daughter just arrived.
-There she is, my perfect girl.
-Hi, Dad.
Look at you.
Hi, Dad.
Jane, glad you're here.
The Internet has been a little spotty.
Oh, not again.
Oh, and this is Harper's orphan friend.
This is Abby.
-Yes, of course.
-Hey, sir.
Terrible. There, there.
Harper, I read your piece
about that senator.
-He's gotta resign, right?
-I think it's just a matter of time.
-That was a good piece.
-Oh, thanks, Dad.
You know what was really good?
The speech you made
at the food bank on Thanksgiving.
Thank you.
You know, that speech wasn't scripted.
It just came to me.
-You could tell. You were very--
-Okay, enough shoptalk. Let's continue.
-Okay. Bye.
-See you later.
And this is Sloane's room.
She's my eldest.
That's a lot of trophies.
Yes. She was brilliant.
She and her husband Eric,
he graduated top of his class at Yale,
were very successful attorneys.
But they gave it all up
to raise their beautiful twins.
And now they make gift baskets.
Which is great.
What'd I miss?
I know, right?
Is it hot in here, or is it just him?
-Yummy, yummy, yummy.
-No, Jane. No.
Mom, I thought you were gonna turn
this room into your office.
-Men need offices, dear.
-Okay.
Oh, that is Harper's
old high-school boyfriend, Connor.
-I asked you to put this away.
-You know, he's still single.
Okay, Mom, stop. Please.
-Do you have a boyfriend, Abby?
-No.
But I have 'cause I have had many.
But not too many. An appropriate amount.
-I actually just went through a breakup.
-Oh, no.
Abby.
Yeah. With... He was a milkman.
Okay, and I think
we'll just settle in now.
Okay, well, we'll just show Abby
to her room.
What, is she not gonna
stay up here with me?
Harper, I would never ask two grown women
to share the same bed.
Harper.
No, Abby will stay in Jane's old room.
I could show it to her.
I could take her down.
-Yeah, let's go.
-Settle down.
-I'm settled.
-Okay.
-Your room's in the basement.
-Yeah. I had night terrors.
They put me down here
so I wouldn't wake everyone up.
Behold.
Cool, huh?
-It's very cool.
-It's my room.
-Is everything okay?
-Yeah, really good.
No, not you.
-Yeah.
-Thank you, Jane.
Why don't you go on home
and rest up a little bit before dinner?
Okay. Don't have any fun without me.
-Yeah.
-Bye.
I'm sorry about all this mess.
What? No, this is so nice.
Better than your room at the orphanage?
I wasn't in an orphanage
'cause I was 19 when my parents died.
Oh, one of the lucky ones.
-Well...
-I'll let you settle in.
-We leave for dinner at 6:45.
-Okay.
There's no lock on this door.
We had it removed because Jane was
always scared we would lock her in.
But don't worry,
you'll have total privacy.
Okay. Thank you.
Okay.
-Milady.
-Thank you.
-Is this all right?
-Perfect, Colleen. Thank you.
Oh, actually, I think
we're gonna need one more chair.
-I'll have one brought over.
-Who else is joining us?
Hey, guys. How's it going?
-Connor! How funny to see you here.
-You told me to be here at 7, right?
-Hey.
-How you doing?
-Great to see you, Connor.
-Hey, Ted. How you doing?
-Great.
-Hi, Connor.
Hi, Jane. Hi. It's been a minute.
-How are you?
-Yeah, hey.
Connor, this is Harper's friend, Abby.
-Hey. Connor.
-Hey.
-She's an orphan.
-Jane.
I'm so sorry. I...
-What are you doing?
-She is.
-No, it's--
-It's all we have.
All right. Thank you.
Let's all take a seat.
-Do you want to switch?
-No. No, this is perfect.
Okay.
In the third chapter, the Shadow Dreamers
discover that the gemstone
that they thought was inside the gork
was actually stolen by an evil floam,
which is sort of like a maggel
but with less arms and more powers.
That's amazing. It really is.
I can't believe you're still working
on that book. It's been ten years.
It takes a long time to build a world.
You know what I was thinking about
the other day?
I was thinking about that trip that
we took to our old house in Jackson Hole
-when Harper got chicken pox.
-Yeah.
-Oh, God.
-Harper told me this story.
Then you must know
that she very quickly gave it to Connor.
Yes, she did.
The two of them didn't leave the cabin
for the whole trip,
if I remember correctly.
Literally in a cabin running a fever.
-Yeah.
-Together.
Together. Yeah, yeah.
It was ground zero for chicken pox.
God, that was fun. You know,
I really loved going on those trips.
-We loved having you, son.
-Should we go to the ladies' room?
I would hate to miss
some of these stories.
No, we'll be quick.
I am so sorry.
I had no idea
he was gonna be here, I swear.
It's funny,
I remember you telling me that story.
I think you just forgot to mention
that Connor was also there.
I know. I don't know. He didn't seem like
an important part of the story.
Look, I'm gonna talk to my mom,
and I'm gonna make sure
that nothing like this happens
for the rest of the trip, okay?
You can be totally honest with me.
Like, about anything.
Seriously, I can take it.
Okay.
Then you should know
that it is very difficult
to sit next to you at dinner
and not be able to kiss you.
No more surprises. I promise.
Riley.
Harper.
Sorry.
Riley, this is Abby. Abby is my--
Orphan. Roommate.
I am an orphan, but we live together
as friends, like acquaintances.
-Please stop.
-Yeah.
Nice to meet you.
-So, I'm just gonna sneak on by you guys.
-Oh, God. Sorry. Sorry.
Just...
Was that the Riley?
Okay, that one really wasn't my fault.
Well, who knows, maybe another one
of your exes will bring out dessert.
-Okay.
-Oh, my God.
Harper, did you see
that the Bennetts are here?
Yeah, we just ran into Riley.
Did you hear she's doing her residency
at Johns Hopkins?
I should have her look at my mole.
No, I hadn't heard that.
It's very impressive.
Her parents must be proud and relieved.
I know. That lifestyle choice...
-Such a shame.
-Abby, what do you do?
Oh, I'm working on my PhD in Art History
over at Carnegie Mellon.
My parents were professors there,
so I wanted to follow in their footsteps.
You know, before law school,
I took all the money I had
and went to Paris for a month.
Spent every day in museums.
That experience made me the man I am.
That must have been incredible.
What a dream.
It was.
Boy, Carnegie Mellon, huh?
Bet you could teach me a thing or two.
-Should I go over there?
-No, darling.
-I do think it's getting bigger.
-Stay at the table, Jane.
-Hey.
-You settling in okay?
Yeah, yeah, you're such a wonderful host,
so I'm great.
Thank you, Abby. Thank you.
-Hi.
-Hi, sweetie.
-Do you need something?
-No, just to say good night to Abby.
Mom, do you mind?
-Yeah.
-I get it.
Girl talk. Okay.
When you finish, I want to give you
a little early Christmas present.
Okay.
-Night.
-Night, Abby.
Tonight wasn't the best.
Yeah. But we got through it.
You know, you're right.
You are really good with parents.
-You think they like me?
-Definitely.
You think they like me
as much as they love Connor?
Oh, no, no, no.
But they don't even really like me
that much.
-I love you.
-I love you.
Stop it.
Where the hell did it go?
Cheap freaking puzzle.
Abby, I'm in the middle of something
right now. Is everything okay?
-Yeah. I'm just checking on the animals.
-They're all good.
I walked the dog, fed him,
fed the cats. All are well.
What about the fish?
The fish are-- Yeah.
The fish are-- Yes. Yeah.
But enough about me.
Have you managed to get a man's permission
to take ownership
of an adult human woman yet?
Not exactly.
-What's going on? You sound tense.
-No, I'm not tense. I'm great.
There's just one tiny thing.
Harper isn't out.
Her parents don't know we're together.
Okay, you know what,
I always felt like something was off.
You can't go over a year without meeting
your significant other's parents.
Trust me, I have tried.
It's not that big of a deal
because she does plan on telling them
after the holidays.
Her parents are believing
that their straight daughter
brought home her lesbian friend
for Christmas?
No. No.
They also think that I'm...
That I'm straight.
-Have they ever met a lesbian?
-It's not so bad.
It's kind of fun having a secret.
Yeah, there's nothing more erotic
than concealing your authentic selves.
I know it's not ideal.
But I know that it's
what she needs right now.
Who are you?
I'm Abby.
Do you work here?
No, I'm Harper's friend.
Kids! Where are you?
Hey.
What are you doing in here? Out.
But that's our room.
Sorry about them. I'm Sloane.
Why does she get to sleep in there?
-Hi, I'm--
-Because she's a grown-up, sweetie.
-Up, up, up.
-Abby.
Come on, I made you breakfast.
Are you tired? Not me. I like the morning.
But then I have something meaningful
to get out of bed for.
-Thank you, Mommy.
-Thank you, Mommy.
Snowman pancakes.
God, that's a lot of work for something
that's just gonna turn to shit.
But that's like your law degree.
It must be freeing to be so self-involved,
you don't realize
that's not appropriate language
to use in front of children.
-We got everything out of the van.
-Thank you, honey.
-Oh, this is--
-Abby. I'm Eric.
Nice to meet you.
A teaspoon of coconut oil,
add some nice moisture to those hands.
Yeah, thank you.
So, you and your sister
are pretty intense.
What do you mean?
Freeze!
Don't move one more muscle
before I hug you.
Hi, Jane.
-Hi!
-Jane.
-Hi, Eric. Hi.
-Hi, Jane.
Hi, you guys. Hi.
Gosh, you're so big.
What are you, college students?
We're in elementary school.
Yeah. No, I know. I'm just--
You're just so tall, you know?
-There they are!
-My babies!
-Hi, Daddy.
-Did you get Harper's article I sent?
-I did.
-Good, right?
-Ted.
-Eric.
-Good to see you.
-Hey, Mom.
Hey.
-Morning.
-Morning, Abby.
Hey, girls. Come here.
Just come over here.
I cannot believe I've got all my daughters
under one roof.
This is great content.
-Hold it. Hold it and--
-How do I look?
Smile. Got it!
Okay. I gotta shower.
-Big night tonight.
-That's too much.
We're meeting a major donor at the party.
Harper, I need you to bring your A game.
-Got it.
-Dad, do you need me to do anything?
Honey, no. You just bring
that beautiful family and show them off.
Who knows, these might be
the only grandchildren we ever have.
And it is crucial that we take
the family holiday photo
for the Instagram tonight,
so don't wear anything
that will strobe. Jane.
Okay, who's ready to go ice-skating?
-Are you--?
-No.
Let me know if you guys need more room.
I can make myself real small.
So, Sloane and Eric,
you guys make gift baskets, right?
No.
We create curated gift experiences
inside of handmade,
reclaimed wood vessels.
Yeah, the vessels are gorgeous.
She has impeccable taste.
Oh, no, honey, you have the eye.
That sounds great.
Yeah, Gwynnie seems to think so. Paltrow.
Goop picked us up, and sales have been
through the roof ever since.
-Hey.
-Hey.
-Are you sure you're okay?
-Yeah. No, this is so fun.
Sloane, do you need a helper?
Please.
I've always skated circles around you.
That was in your youth.
I've lapped you like 12 times today.
-Like I'm even trying.
-Like it would even matter.
Twenty bucks says
I can do two laps under a minute.
Fifty bucks says I can do three.
-Let's do it.
-Jane, time us.
-I'm actually having fun just--
-Jane!
Okay, fun. Yeah. No problem.
Ready?
Set.
Go.
Move!
I love it when they do this.
-What are they doing?
-Racing.
Oh, yeah.
-Jane, time!
-I forgot to press start.
-How long do you think--?
-Don't tell them.
-Do you need to take a break yet?
-Maybe you should worry about yourself.
Oh, yeah? Why--?
Oh, my--
Should we stop them?
No, they'll tire themselves out
eventually.
-Yeah. That's right.
-It's the way it goes.
-Get off me!
-I love you guys. I love you.
-No! You're such a cheater!
-Stop it!
You stop it!
-You're gonna need to turn around.
-She's gonna turn around.
Jane, that's what
you're wearing, right? All right.
Harper!
Can you make them be still?
-You gotta stand up for me, buddy.
-Stand very still.
It's my early Christmas present.
-Harper, please come here.
-Honey, we're very late.
Ted, the family holiday photo
is an essential element
of every candidate's feed,
and if we cannot manage to post one,
we do not deserve to have that account.
-All right.
-That is so true.
-Jane, get out of the middle.
-Matilda, you have to stand.
Abby! Would you mind taking that?
-Yeah, not at all.
-Thank you.
-Okay, here we go.
-Face this way.
-Thank you.
-Okay.
-Everyone say "Christmas."
-No, don't say that. Just smile.
Okay.
That's good. No, wait.
Blurry.
Boring. Nope. Nope. Nope.
Okay, none of these will do.
We will try again tomorrow. Thank you.
Where's Abby?
Ted! Tipper!
I'm so glad you made it.
-Carolyn, you are a vision.
-Gorgeous dress.
You remember my daughters,
Harper, Jane and Sloane.
Sloane's husband Eric.
Their children, Matilda and Magnus.
And this is Harper's friend, Abby.
Charmed. This is my assistant, Levi.
Though, truth be told, in a few years,
we'll probably all be working for him.
-Oh, you're too kind.
-Is the white whale here?
-Indeed. Let me take you over.
-Harper, come with us.
Jane, keep Abby company.
-You got it.
-Dad, should I come, too?
-I'll come right back.
-No, honey. Just enjoy yourself.
Great.
Now, Harry's tough.
Don't let her throw you.
I'm gonna take the twins to
the kids' club. Order me several drinks.
-Yeah.
-Come on, you guys. Let's go play.
Okay. Well, looks like
it's just us ladies.
Now, I don't know about you,
but I am single and ready to mingle, so...
Harry.
-This is--
-Ted Caldwell.
Miss Levin, it is an honor.
-I'll leave you to get acquainted.
-Thank you.
This is my husband, Scott.
We met on Bumble.
Pleasure. And this is my wife, Tipper.
My daughter Harper, who writes for the--
-Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.
-Yes.
Yes, I'm familiar.
You've read her work?
Yes.
Hey, could I get a vodka neat?
-Sure.
-Thanks.
You're new.
Yeah, I'm just visiting.
From where?
I'm not interested
in meeting anyone tonight.
I am.
I'll have to check out Goop.
When was that one, again?
-Just very recently.
-Was it a part of a holiday gift?
-Are you enjoying the party?
-Yeah.
That's great.
If my friend ditched me at a party,
I probably wouldn't have a good time.
Oh, no. She didn't ditch me.
She's just helping your dad.
Yeah, she's very helpful.
So, how long have you
and Harper been roommates?
I moved in like six months ago.
You moved into her place?
Isn't it a one-bedroom?
Technically, yes.
Yeah, well, it was a one-bedroom,
and now that we have converted the pantry
into my bedroom, it's two-bedroom.
-It's really spacious in there--
-I don't want to have this conversation.
No problem.
Being mayor is no small task.
However, it's a task I am not only up for
but eager to take on--
I'm gonna stop you right there.
I have a perfect record,
and do you know why?
Because I do my homework.
Last election, I almost backed Dave Grady.
Dave Grady? Didn't his son--?
Get arrested
for exotic animal smuggling? Yes.
I'm telling you this
because I'm not just looking at you.
This is a family affair.
Well, I can assure you,
this family has nothing to hide.
-Hey.
-Hey, hey.
-Hi. Can I have a sip? Thank you.
-Yeah, of course.
You okay?
I just needed a bit of a breather.
Thank you.
Harper.
-Hi!
-Hi!
You look incredible.
As always.
You, too! God, guys...
This is my roommate, Abby.
And this is Kelly and Ashley.
-Lovely to meet you.
-Yes. Nice to meet you, too.
Hey, you guys.
Seeing the three of you
standing next to each other
takes me right back to high school.
Minus the bad cafeteria food.
You're so funny.
Harper, can I talk to you?
Yeah. I'll just be a sec.
Am I crazy or did you have no idea
I was coming to dinner last night?
-It was a surprise.
-Yeah.
-Yeah, I thought so. Sorry about that.
-It's not you.
Actually, I'd love to do...
that again.
Like, hang out again, if you got time.
That sounds so nice, and...
And I just don't know
'cause it's so busy and--
-Totally got it. No pressure.
-Yeah.
That being said, if you, you know,
and your roommate
want to hang out, that'd be great.
-Abby. Yeah.
-Abby. Yeah. Absolutely.
Hey, if she doesn't sleep with him,
then I will.
I'm just kidding. I would never.
-He is definitely still into her.
-I know.
I should...
take this.
Hello?
You know that you're in a country club
that didn't let women have their own
memberships until the early 2000s?
How do you know that?
I might be tracking you,
but it's for your own safety, clearly.
-What do you want?
-I want you to break out of that closet.
I am not in the closet.
Harper's gonna tell her parents
right after the holidays.
You deserve to be with someone who shouts
their love for you from the rooftops.
-That's very sweet.
-So, stop being a doormat, you fool.
Did you need something,
or did you call to shame me?
I'm not shaming you.
I think the choice is dumb, and you should
feel bad about it and yourself.
Also, I am loving these fish.
If I wanted to buy
the exact same one for myself,
where do you think I would do that?
What?
I think I should Google it.
I'm gonna Google it. Thanks.
Hey.
Oh, hey. Hey.
-How's it going?
-Great.
I was just taking a break from diagnosing
everyone's mystery illnesses.
I wasn't trying to eavesdrop or anything.
I was out there before you came out.
You didn't see me, but...
I can relate.
Like, to what?
Nothing.
Nothing.
Okay. I'm gonna go back inside.
I'm sure my mother's hairdresser wants
to show me her weird finger again.
So...
I like your jacket.
Okay.
Thank you. Thank you so much.
Will you all please join me
in welcoming my dear, dear friend,
Councilman Ted Caldwell.
Thank you so much. Thank you.
Isn't this the best time of year?
I mean, really.
I know we're all having a great time,
so I will be brief.
I've accomplished a lot in my life.
And serving you on the city council
is right up there
with my most rewarding life experiences.
But I'm ready for more!
These are turbulent times,
and the way I can ensure depravity
doesn't seep in
through the cracks of our community
is by making sure there are no cracks!
-Yes!
-No cracks!
Look, our foundation is built
on family, tradition and faith.
And that is the only way
we will keep safe and strong.
I have loved being your city councilman,
and I can't wait to be your mayor.
Merry Christmas!
...the way I can ensure
depravity doesn't seep in
through the cracks of our community
is by making sure there are no cracks!
Look, our foundation is built
on family, tradition and faith.
And that...
For the chicken breast,
we were looking at a quarter cup of honey.
And remember to use local honey...
Shit. Shit.
Come on. Come on. Nope.
Shut up. Shut up. Oh, no.
Abby, what are you doing in the closet?
I--
I must have been sleepwalking.
Oh, that is very dangerous.
I once took too many Ambien
and I bought a racehorse online.
Okay. You need to go back downstairs.
-Okay.
-Carefully.
-Are you all right to do that?
-Yeah.
Oh, gosh. My phone, too.
-I was in such a daze.
-I'll get all this.
-Okay.
-Go on.
-You want me to come with you?
-No. Thank you. I'm sorry about this.
Oh, my God.
How did you get down here?
When I saw that mess upstairs,
I knew my mom would be busy
for the next two hours.
-What do you want to do?
-I don't know.
-Abby?
-Oh, shit.
-Oh, fuck.
-Abby, honey, are you okay?
I'm okay.
I can't believe I fell asleep.
I think there's something
against the door.
I'm just moving it right now.
Sorry, it's heavy.
-Morning.
-Why did you block the door?
I didn't want to sleepwalk again.
Well, sorry to barge in.
The twins usually stay down here.
I'm just getting them Jane's old Game Boy.
-Morning, kids!
-Morning.
Abby. Honey, I'm headed to the office,
but I wanted to let you know,
I have invited Harry Levin and her husband
to our Christmas Eve party.
-What?
-You heard what she said.
It's not just about me.
It's about our whole family.
And what is a better representation
of our family
than your Christmas Eve party?
It is legendary.
-Have a good day.
-You know I will.
I can't even believe that.
That is two more people on the guest list.
I basically have to reimagine
the entire party.
-Man.
-Found it.
Okay, come on, you two.
Let's look at it.
-That was very, very close.
-We shouldn't have done that.
Harper, we've been up since 5:45 a.m.,
and the twins already made
their own cookies and decorated them.
-No.
-We're making these for the party.
Okay, I'm off.
Where are you going?
Levi has a connection
with a local potpourri vendor.
-He's gonna introduce us.
-Great.
-Yeah.
-Okay.
Bye, babe. Bye, kids.
-Bye, Daddy.
-Bye, Daddy.
-Jane. Oh, my God. No.
-I'm just gonna do a button.
You can't decorate these. Can you not?
I'm trying to have an even number.
When are we gonna see Santa?
I don't know if we're gonna see him.
Jane, can you not? I just--
Take them to see Santa Claus.
This could be the last year
that they see him.
-Why? Is Santa dying?
-No.
-Are we dying?
-No. Fine. I will take you.
I still need to get
a white elephant gift anyway.
-Did you guys get yours?
-Yes.
Yeah. I'm making something very special.
What is white elephant?
It's a gift exchange game we do every year
at our Christmas Eve party.
I guess you don't know what it is
because Harper forgot
to tell you about it.
-I'm sorry.
-That's okay. I can grab one today.
Great. So, you girls can tag along
with Sloane to the mall.
Oh, I told dad that I'd go to his office
and help him write his speech for dinner.
Yeah, I wish I could go,
but I have to put the finishing touches
on my Christmas gifts.
Guess it's just gonna be you and me. Fun.
-Make sure you're all back here by 4.
-That's okay?
We are going to get that Christmas photo
tonight before we leave for dinner.
-Yes.
-Yes.
Oh, hey!
Hey. Can you watch them for a bit?
I have to run an errand.
Santa promised them
the complete works of Sylvia Plath, so...
-Is that all right?
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay. Thank you. Be good, you two.
Hi, guys. Do you...
want to come over...? Wanna--? Come on.
Why was Aunt Harper hiding in your room?
We were playing a game.
Like hide-and-seek?
-Yeah. Like hide-and-seek.
-We love that game.
What do you guys think
about white elephant?
-What gift should I get? Can you help me?
-How about this?
That is nice.
I was thinking maybe something
everyone might like, like...
I don't know. A scarf might be good.
Someone might want to have that.
Seems Christmassy.
Hey, come on.
Hey, Carolyn.
Hey, it's good to see you.
I'm Abby. We met last night.
I'm Harper Caldwell's friend.
Oh, yes. Yes, of course.
It's lovely seeing you.
I'm looking forward to dinner tonight.
-Okay.
-Okay.
Have a nice day. I'll see you later.
-Hey, we're gonna stop you right there.
-Ma'am!
-Put the bag on the floor.
-Miss, put it down.
Put the bag on the floor and slide it--
You want to explain that?
As I've said,
I did not put that in my bag.
You didn't put in your bag,
but it ended up in your bag,
so this is probably
just a big misunderstanding.
Maybe it grew legs
and then it walked into her bag.
-Did you check it for legs?
-I haven't checked it for legs.
-I'm not suggesting that it grew legs.
-It's not looking good, sweetie.
-Pittsburgh, huh?
-Yeah.
What are you doing down this way?
You pulling a job?
Jacking a roost?
-What was that?
-Hocking crank and breaking bad.
-I'm not doing any of those things.
-Smash and grab?
I didn't take this necklace. I'm sure
that you could review some footage.
-Aren't there cameras in malls?
-Are you telling me how to do my job?
-You're gonna regret it.
-Fine.
Why don't you go ahead and do my job?
You're in charge now.
-I'm gonna get her to sing, okay?
-Go ahead.
I'm gonna make
this little birdie go tweet, tweet, tweet.
Eugene? Goddamn it. We're--
-I heard there were cruffins in here.
-No.
There aren't any cruffins.
There's not or there were? Were there?
-No, we stopped keeping food in here.
-No.
-Dad, Abby would never do this.
-Quick because we're late.
This isn't a conversation, Harper.
Just be nice.
-I know, I know.
-I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
-I didn't do it.
-Baby, I know.
But Carolyn thinks it would just be better
if you weren't at the dinner.
Look, it's gonna be so boring anyways.
You're lucky you don't have to go.
Come here.
Can we hang out tonight after the dinner?
My friends want to go out. We can go
with them, or we can not go with them.
I just think we need a break
from the family.
Yeah.
Harper, we have got to go.
-We're gonna be late.
-Okay.
I'll see you later. Okay.
I'm sorry.
We weren't able to get the photo again.
Hey.
We meet again.
Yeah.
-No Harper?
-No, she's...
with her family.
I'm gonna meet up with her in a bit.
What'd you get?
Oh, I can't tell you
because it's for the white elephant party.
-Oh, you're going to that, too?
-Oh, yeah.
Yeah, my family goes every year. It's...
God, it's the best party of the year.
You know, I'm glad I ran into you
'cause I'm having this thing
where if I stick my finger in my eye,
it really hurts.
Yeah, I mean, that's a classic case
of... contact stupiditis.
-Because it's a stupid thing to do.
-Yup.
Once you get to the finger-poking stage,
you're pretty much dead.
I'd really like to drink some alcohol.
Do you know where I could do that?
Yes.
What is Christmas?
Christmas is for caring
What is Christmas?
Christmas is for sharing
What is Christmas, can't you guess?
Christmas is for ha-penis
-Yes, you are.
-I wish.
-Just tell me.
-I wish I had.
-Did you steal it?
-No.
I still don't have a white elephant gift
on top of it all.
-You've gotta get one.
-I'm trying.
I will help you with this.
I know places that aren't malls.
That would be great.
When does Christmas come?
-And when does Christmas leave?
-And when does Christmas leave?
-It comes but never goes
-It comes but never goes
What did you mean last night
when you said you could relate?
That was just a comment
based on an assumption
that I was making about you and Harper.
I think it's probably
an accurate assumption.
You don't have to talk to me
about this stuff. I know it's weird.
So, what has she told you?
That you dated in high school.
That you were her first girlfriend.
That's about it.
Is there more?
Yeah, a little.
I mean...
Yeah.
Yeah. Growing up,
we were totally inseparable.
We were best friends,
and then freshman year,
we became more than friends.
We started dating.
But nobody knew that, obviously.
And we would, like, leave these little
love letters in each other's lockers.
And one day, one of Harper's friends
found one of the letters
and she asked Harper...
what it was about,
and Harper basically just said...
that I am gay
and that I wouldn't leave her alone.
And then, within a couple days,
everybody in school found out,
and everybody was so awful to me.
I'm sorry, that's-- I'm sorry.
Yeah, so the thing
that I can relate to is just...
being in love with somebody that is...
too afraid to show the world who they are.
But that was a long time ago.
Yeah.
Thank you!
All right. That's enough.
And with this next song,
we're gonna need a little help from you.
We're gonna ask you a...
-Question.
-...question.
-And you are going to answer.
-Give us the answer.
-Yeah.
-It's simple.
Here we go.
Who's got a beard that's long and white?
-We're gonna sing. Ready?
-Okay.
Who comes around on a special night?
Santa comes around on a special night
-Special night
-Special night
-Beard that's white
-Beard that's white
Everybody!
Must be Santa
Must be Santa
Must be Santa
Santa Claus
-No. What? Oh, my God, no.
-What?
Oh, we're gonna get
a little more intimate now.
Who's got boots and a suit of red?
Come on, you want to hear her sing, right?
Yeah. Yeah. We want to hear her sing.
I'll help you.
Who's got boots and a suit of red?
Santa's got boots and a suit of red
Yeah, perfect!
Who's got a long cap on his head?
Santa's got a long cap on his head
-On his head
-On his head
-Suit of red
-Suit of red
Must be Santa
Must be Santa
Must be Santa
Santa Claus
Must be Santa
Must be Santa
Must be Santa
I should close out. Harper texted me.
Okay.
Santa's got a beard that's long
Hi! Abby's here.
-Shots. You guys ready?
-How was tonight?
-Shots!
-It was great.
-Oh, I think I'm gonna grab a beer.
-No, Abby.
You cannot be at this place sober.
Ready? Cheers.
Eyes, eyes.
-Eyes, eyes, eyes.
-One, two, three. Go.
-Okay, I need some music.
-Did you have dinner?
-Yeah.
-Wait. I'll come right back.
-Are you having the most terrible time?
-No.
No, I'm just tired.
I'm really tired. I think I'm gonna go.
Oh, no.
I kind of want to stay
a little bit longer. Is that okay?
-Yeah. Yes, of course. Yeah.
-Yeah?
Are you sure?
Okay.
And you'll get home okay?
I won't be out late.
Okay. Text me when you get home.
That was fun.
Yeah.
-I'm glad you came out.
-Yeah.
It's been a minute
since we've gotten to do this, like...
Since we...
Well, you know, I've missed you.
-No, it's nice to catch up.
-Yeah.
Well, I'm that way.
-Oh, darn. I'm that way.
-Where are you?
-Good night.
-Good night. It was great seeing you.
Hey, Harper, was there someone else?
What do you mean?
Is that why we broke up?
No.
No, I told you that the long distance
just got too hard, and--
The distance.
Yeah, I know, I know. I know.
I don't know. Just kind of always
felt like there was something...
It felt like there was something
you weren't telling me.
There wasn't someone else, so...
Hey.
What's wrong?
-Just making sure you're okay.
-Why wouldn't I be?
You weren't answering me, so I was...
I know, but you knew
I was out with my friends.
But I didn't know that you were
gonna be out till 2 in the morning,
-so I'm just checking on you.
-Okay.
I'm sorry. I didn't know I had a curfew.
What is going on with you?
Nothing, I--
Nothing.
I just don't know
why you're keeping tabs on me.
-Keeping tabs on you?
-Yeah.
It just--
-What?
-It just feels a little...
suffocating.
-I'm suffocating you?
-Or not. But just--
I feel really suffocated in the closet
that you shoved me back into.
-You agreed to this.
-Yeah, we were practically already here.
Can you--? Please, be quiet.
I was gonna-- I--
If I knew I was agreeing to you hanging
with your ex, maybe I wouldn't have.
God, Abby.
I just-- I feel like
we just need some space.
You need some space?
Okay.
Abby.
She is very heavy-footed.
Honey, I have a list of party errands
that Jane has volunteered to run,
but I don't trust her
to do them on her own,
so I need you to supervise.
Okay.
It's a long list.
Okay.
No, no.
-Hey.
-Okay.
So, I might have been
a little judgmental when we last spoke.
You are in an unusual situation,
and as your friend,
I should have created a safe space for you
to share without the threat of criticism.
So, I'm sorry. I am here.
No judgment. What is going on?
Well, let's see.
I was arrested by mall security yesterday,
and Harper's family thinks I'm a criminal.
And after spending her entire night
until 2:00 in the morning
with her ex-boyfriend Connor,
she's acting like someone
I barely even recognize.
And I want to just get out of here,
but it would cost me $1,000 to get a ride.
This is why I avoid Christmas.
It brings out the worst in everything.
I know this isn't about me.
I just feel crazy, like...
Do I stick it out for two days?
It's not that long.
But I don't know. I--
What would you do?
I-- Thank you.
I'm gonna need
to give this a think, I think.
Hello?
Hey.
Hey, it's Abby.
Are you doing anything right now?
Who's really gonna want
a mini doughnut factory?
This family.
I saw two of their cousins get
in a fistfight over a quesadilla maker
at this party once.
-Everything all right?
-Yeah.
Thank you so much. It looks so good.
I mean, it looks good.
This is all for me.
Ready to go?
It's probably okay.
Oh, do not put that there.
What do you think this is, a barn party?
Hey, everyone, please come down!
We are getting this photo
as soon as Jane gets here.
Are you sure this is the best time?
People will start arriving any minute.
It's the only time.
-Hi, Abby.
-Hi.
Where should I put
this white elephant gift?
I don't know, in the oven?
Jesus, Abby, where do you think it goes?
Under the damn tree.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
You probably never even had
a Christmas tree.
We do this party every year.
And every year,
no matter how early I start planning,
I just feel totally unprepared.
And I can't find my Christmas brooch.
Have you seen it?
You can tell me. I won't be mad.
I just want to know it's safe.
I haven't seen it.
Okay. Well, if it should magically appear
on my dresser,
there will be no questions asked.
-Okay.
-Okay.
Hey, Ted.
I just wanted to mention...
everything that happened yesterday
was a complete misunderstanding.
-You know, I would never, ever--
-You don't have to explain.
Let's just avoid
any further incidents, yes?
Yeah. Yes.
Merry Christmas Eve!
-Hey, Abby.
-Hey.
Look at what this little elf brought in.
-What is that?
-This is my masterpiece.
Whoever picks it
is gonna be very pleased.
Jane, I'm so glad you're here.
The printer's jammed again.
Oh, okay. I'm on it.
-Hey.
-Hey.
What'd you do today?
I just went and got a white elephant gift.
-In town?
-Yeah.
-How'd you get there?
-Has Jane arrived yet?
Yeah, Jane's in Ted's office with him.
Jane, Ted, now!
Nice of you two to join us.
Where are the twins?
They don't feel like having
their picture taken tonight.
Harper, come with me.
It's a break from traditional gifting
and a move into the extraordinary.
The vessels are curated
for each individual.
We'd be happy to mindfully--
Sloane was on track
to make partner at her firm
before she left to start a family.
She's our super mom.
Harper is our powerhouse, and Jane...
is the only reason
the Internet ever works in this house.
I have a way with routers.
Excuse me, all. The twins have prepared
a little song for you.
What are you drinking?
It's a spiced... alcohol.
-Gross. Can I have some?
-Yeah.
So, Plort is the leader
of the Shadow Dreamers.
He's half human, half Quazzle.
He's got the eyes of a Verg
but the heart of a Zengle.
-The Verg comes from his mother's side...
-...spa package, bubble bath--
Excuse me.
Sloane, Harry wants to meet the twins.
-I'll find them.
-Okay.
Excuse me.
You know, thing is,
my parents were so attached to me
believing in Santa Claus,
that even after years go by
and I stopped believing in Santa Claus,
and they knew
I stopped believing in Santa Claus,
we just kept that charade going.
Their investment in it just made me
feel so bad for them, you know?
Yeah.
Like, so bad for them that, you know,
that I eventually just murdered them.
That sounds fun.
Okay.
What is happening?
Hey, you guys.
Connor, you made it.
-Hi, Merry Christmas. Hi.
-Merry Christmas. Good to see you.
-Hi.
-Merry Christmas.
I don't know.
Yesterday, I'd never felt closer
to another person in my entire life,
and now I don't know her.
I thought she loved me and was happy,
but I see her here, and she's so terrified
of what everyone thinks.
It's just making me wonder
who the real Harper is, you know?
Well, maybe they both are.
I was gonna ask her to marry me tomorrow.
I'm gonna get you a real drink. Okay?
Abby? Abby!
Sorry. What?
How are you here?
When are you gonna get this?
I have been tracking you.
-Hello.
-Hi.
I'm Tipper. This is my home.
Are you the ex-boyfriend?
Yes, I am John,
Abby's heterosexual ex-boyfriend.
And I have come to get her back.
I see. Well, it would've been nice
to have known you were coming,
but since you are here, enjoy.
Thank you so much.
-Okay, I nailed that. And she is fabulous.
-What are you doing?
That phone call earlier
was a cry for help.
I'm here to rescue you.
Please get your things.
Is that the ex-boyfriend?
I mean, I guess he's handsome. I--
Can we please go?
Harper. It's over. I'm done.
I'm just gonna...
Everybody, please take your seats.
We're ready to begin white elephant.
Abby. Hey, can we just talk for a second?
No. I gotta go. I can't--
I can't do this for you anymore.
But Merry Christmas.
Enjoy your family and enjoy Connor.
What? What? No. I don't want him.
I don't want Connor. I want you.
-Then what was that?
-I don't know.
Why are you huddled
in a corner with Riley?
None of this has anything
to do with Riley.
This is all happening
because of you, Harper!
You not telling your parents about us
is a choice that you made.
It is not that simple.
Do you know how painful it's been to watch
the person I love choose to hide me?
I am not hiding you. I am hiding me.
Okay?
Our entire life, we have been expected
to be these perfect, golden children.
I mean, love in our house
wasn't something we just got for free.
It's something that we competed for,
and if we veered off their course,
we lost it.
I know it's messed up, okay? I get it.
But they're my parents.
And I am scared that if I tell them
who I really am, I will lose them.
And I know if I don't tell them,
I will lose you.
I don't want to lose you.
Hey, come here. Come here.
-No! I don't want to lose you.
-No, no. Look at me. Come here. It's okay.
-Don't.
-Hey, stop.
-I don't want to lose you.
-You're not.
Matilda and Magnus!
If you want a present,
you better have a number.
-'Sup?
-'Sup?
Anybody else?
You pump?
-I'm sorry?
-Weights.
Yeah.
Yeah.
-You?
-Yeah. Yeah.
What do you bench?
A thousand, 1,000-plus.
Everybody have your numbers?
-Kids?
-Sloane, Sloane, Sloane.
-Yeah?
-Can we just talk for a sec?
What's there to talk about?
You and Abby are in a relationship.
You've been lying to the family
for God knows how long.
-Does that--? Is that about right?
-Just--
Please don't tell Mom and Dad yet.
Please, Sloane.
I'm telling them after the holidays.
Just rip it.
Promise me you won't say anything.
Now is just very bad timing.
I'm telling them everything
after the holidays anyways.
I feel sorry for you.
Mom and Dad are gonna be heartbroken
when they find out you've been lying.
-Listen, if you--
-Okay.
Kids, found you!
Are you kidding me?
No one's supposed to know yet.
We had an agreement.
I'm sorry.
I guess I'm not the only one
with a secret.
-Yeah.
-Yeah, that is-- That's good mass.
-That is solid.
-Thanks, man.
They all look so nice.
Just choose, Jane.
I'm just kidding.
You have no idea what goes on
in other people's families,
so you need to just keep your mouth shut.
You keep your mouth shut, you psycho.
-I should run. Yeah.
-Yeah.
-Levi. We should--
-I wonder what this one is.
Abby, get the Santa.
-I mean--
-Stay out of this, Sappho.
I wouldn't.
I don't know what this is.
It's big.
Oh, gosh.
Here, help me out here.
What is this?
It's a painting of Main Street. I made it.
I love that.
No, no, no!
I'll kill you! I'll kill you!
-What are you doing?
-Girls!
What is going on?
Yeah, what is going on?
Harper, do you want to tell them
or should I?
-Don't, Sloane!
-Why? It's not good timing?
-Girls, stop that this instant!
-Come on, guys. Just hug it out.
-Shut up, Jane!
-Shut up, Jane!
Don't do this, Sloane.
All this because you're scared
to not be the favorite. Pathetic!
-Sloane, you're making a scene!
-I am?
You think she's so innocent?
All of this is happening
because Harper is--
Harper is a lesbian.
Abby's her girlfriend.
She is lying.
I am not a lesbian!
Sloane is the one that has this big--
No!
Harper!
-Stop it!
-Oh, my.
-Goddamn it! Stop it!
-No!
Enough!
I put 100 hours into that painting,
and you...
You just destroyed it like it was nothing.
It was something.
I am something!
And guess what? I like myself.
And maybe you all don't
because I'm not fancy.
But whether you like it or not,
I'm a part of this family,
and I will not be left out anymore!
No!
Stop it, girls! Stop this right now!
Kids, what are you doing back there?
Playing hide-and-seek,
like Abby and Aunt Harper.
Abby?
Wanna go for a walk?
Okay.
Okay.
Come on.
My parents loved Christmas.
We would do all the stuff.
We would decorate...
and do the tree
and watch every Christmas movie.
After they died, I couldn't bring myself
to acknowledge Christmas.
The holidays were
just a huge reminder of...
them not being here.
So, I really thought maybe this year,
with Harper and meeting her family,
you know...
that it would just feel different.
I don't think that she... loves me
as much as I thought she did.
Hey.
Harper not coming out to her parents
has nothing to do with you.
How could it not?
Remind me, what did your parents say
when you told them you were gay?
That they loved and supported me.
That's amazing.
My dad... kicked me out of the house
and didn't talk to me for 13 years
after I told him.
Everybody's story is different.
There's your version and my version
and everything in between.
But the one thing
that all of those stories have in common
is that moment,
right before you say those words,
when your heart is racing
and you don't know what's coming next...
That moment's really terrifying.
And then once you say those words,
you can't unsay them.
A chapter has ended
and a new one's begun.
And you have to be ready for that.
You can't do it for anyone else.
Just because Harper isn't ready,
it doesn't mean she never will be,
and it doesn't mean she doesn't love you.
I want to be with someone who is ready.
You look great in this coat.
Merry Christmas. Thank you.
Just wait for me in the car.
Great party.
Yeah.
You okay?
I'm so sorry.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
She's a really good one.
Yeah.
-Riley.
-Sloane.
I'm sorry.
Let's get you two to bed.
Thank you, Miss Levin,
for coming, and again,
my apologies for the spectacle.
I'll call you.
What the hell happened tonight?
Even as children,
you never behaved this badly.
I expected more from you,
especially you, Harper.
You know how this world works.
Reputation is everything,
and tonight, you jeopardized mine.
Jane, I know you just wanted
to be included.
It was really nice.
Sloane, making up lies about your sister?
You're better than that!
At least, you used to be.
Sorry, I'm just getting my stuff.
Wait, Abby.
Wait.
Sloane wasn't lying.
I'm gay.
And I am... in love with Abby.
I'm sorry I didn't tell you guys sooner,
but I know how much appearances
and reputation matter to you,
and me being gay just didn't...
fit into the plan.
But I...
let myself hurt Riley...
because I was so scared you would find out
I wasn't who you wanted me to be.
And...
I still regret it.
I can't do that to Abby...
and throw away... our life together.
So, I am done...
being scared,
and I am done keeping secrets.
I love you.
Eric and I are getting a divorce.
We separated a few months ago.
Truth is, I didn't tell you
because without my family,
I'm worthless to you.
We've spent our entire lives
trying to earn your love...
and I'm done, too.
I don't have any secrets,
but I am an ally.
I'm gonna go.
Wait, no, no.
I did it.
I'm sorry.
It's just too late.
I have always wanted to try karate,
even though I know it's not elegant.
-I hate flowers.
-I see what you're doing.
We have been so worried
about seeming perfect.
But maybe...
we don't even know what perfect is.
We have one daughter
who has been unhappy in a marriage
and felt like she couldn't tell us.
And another daughter
who just had her heart broken
because she was afraid we wouldn't
love her if she told us the truth.
And the only reason that Jane is okay
is because we gave up on her after
she wouldn't stop biting in preschool.
That is...
very far from perfect, if you ask me.
Thanks.
I'm really sorry.
I know. Me, too.
And, Jane, I--
I'm so sorry about your painting.
-It was really beautiful.
-It was.
Thanks, guys.
He just needs a little time.
Okay, listen to these ingredients.
"Maltodextrin, autolyzed yeast extract,
artificial colors, Red 40 Lake,
Yellow 6 Lake, Yellow 6, Yellow 5."
Because all of the yellows
taste so different.
You know, I am disgusted at the poison
these corporations try
to pass off as food.
-Who's watching the animals?
-My therapist is taking care of them,
but we should have a conversation
about the fish at some point.
What happened to the fish?
Let's look at gum.
I just want to preface this
by saying that nobody would disagree
that fish belong in the ocean. Correct?
Abby.
-How did you even--?
-I tracked you. John taught me.
-I just want to go home.
-I know. I just...
Please, let me say this.
You are my family.
I mean, you are the love of my life.
I was terrible,
and I wish that I could undo everything.
But I promise you,
I will make it up to you.
I will spend the rest of my life
making it up to you.
And I won't hurt you like this again.
But, please, give me another chance.
I want to build a life with you.
Please.
-What about your parents? I--
-No, no, I--
I don't care what they think.
I only care about you.
If I have you, that's all I need.
Be with me.
Do it.
Yes.
The Shadow Dreamers were compelled
to rise up against Flanks.
Because of the blatant
Thorfian rights violations.
Exactly.
Morning.
-Hi.
-Merry Christmas.
-Morning.
-Hey.
-Hi.
-Hi.
-How'd you sleep?
-Did he come down?
No, not yet.
Everyone.
Go ahead, kids.
We put the necklace in Abby's bag.
We're sorry.
Thank you.
Can we open our stockings now?
-Yes.
-Let's go.
I have sunk almost all of our savings
into this campaign.
Because I thought if I won,
you'd all be proud of me.
We're already proud of you.
We don't care if you win.
Yeah, and the money doesn't matter.
When I sell my book,
I'll take care of all of us.
I love you, girls.
And I'm sorry for making you think
that anything could ever get
in the way of that.
I want to do better,
and it will take time,
but all I want for you is to find
the same joy and happiness
that you have given me,
no matter where it comes from.
Smile. Smile.
You didn't think
I knew how to do that, did you?
-Hello?
-Merry Christmas, Ted.
-Merry--
-I'll get right to it.
I like you. I think you can win, too,
and not just this election.
-Thank you, Miss Levin.
-Hold on, there's an "if."
Now, I don't know if Sloane's revelation
last night was true,
but if it is, and Harper can adopt
a "don't ask, don't tell" policy
regarding her private life,
I think we could be in business.
What do you say?
-Well?
-It's not gonna work out.
We'll figure something out.
-Come over here.
-Okay.
-Where am I? Here?
-Right there.
-Right about--
-Okay.
-Jane, you get in the middle.
-Yeah.
Right there.
John, would you mind?
Oh, I would be delighted.
Okay.
Abby, what are you doing way over there?
-Get in here.
-Come on.
-Okay. Everyone say "Christmas."
-No, don't say that.
"Once they cross Corvall Chasm,
they will enter floam territory.
The Shadow Dreamers know
they might not all make it out
with their Krindoll intact,
but the entire Thorfian race rests
on their shoulders.
They look to each other
and then into the darkness.
It is Glank who takes the first step."
-Here you go. Thank you for coming.
-Okay. Thank you.
Bye.
-Hi. We'll meet you there?
-Hi.
-Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You bet.
-That was awesome.
-Hi.
-Hi.
Two at a time. It's an onslaught.
...surprised when he saw all
those presents under the Christmas tree,
and she was one of them.
Now, this house was originally owned
by Herbert Flackshaw,
who started this tradition
on Candy Cane Lane.
He even hired his nephew, Otis,
to play Santa Claus for many years
until he was arrested
for child endangerment in 1992.
You guys gotta look at this house.
This house is the site...
Are you having fun?
Are you having fun?
-Yes, I think this is cute.
-It is, yeah.
Oh, God. You hate it.
No, I don't hate it.
I'm just not a huge Christmas person.
I know, I know. But...
How can you not like the lights,
the decorations and the Christmas trees?
Fun fact!
Did you know that Christmas trees
are responsible for an annual average
of four deaths,
15 injuries
and a loss of $12 million?
Okay, I get it.
I think you made your point.
Thank you for trying to get me to like
Christmas. I love that you love it.
I'm just so content
taking care of other people's pets
-when they're away for the holiday--
-Come with me.
Wait, where are we going?
You know these people?
-What are you doing?
-Come here.
Still not clear on the plan.
Will you shut up
and follow me, please? Come on.
Well, does this do anything for you?
This is beautiful.
I hate that you're gonna be alone
on Christmas. I'm gonna miss you.
-Hey, I'm gonna miss you, too.
-We could just stay up here.
I'd do that.
Hey! I hear you up there.
I'm calling the police!
-Abby?
-Harper!
Oh, my God. Are you okay?
Oh, no. What do I do?
Stay there. I'm gonna get you down.
-Okay, yeah.
-Shit.
-What are you doing out there?
-Harper?
-Are you peeping? Don't you peep at me.
-Oh, God!
Abby?
Oh, my God. Are you okay?
I'm so great.
-Here, here. Here, come on.
-Okay.
We gotta go. She's coming. Go! Run!
Yeah, you better run. Pervert!
Who said you could come downstairs?
Giddyup.
Come with me.
Where?
To my parents' house for Christmas.
Oh, really?
I've got the pets to sit.
Oh, my God. Get someone to cover for you.
I want to wake up with you
on Christmas morning.
If that doesn't convince you
to love Christmas,
I'll never bring it up again.
Deal.
Hi.
Hey.
Sit down.
What's going on in here?
I woke up thinking about going home
with you and got...
very excited about Christmas.
Baby, you don't have to come with me.
-No, I want to.
-No, no, no. I--
I feel like I put you
on the spot last night,
and I understand
how you feel about Christmas
because you lost your parents,
-and you just don't have--
-No, no, no. I genuinely want to go.
I get to meet the people
that made my favorite person.
Okay.
-But who's gonna look after those pets?
-John's gonna cover for me.
I know why you're worried but don't be.
I am all in on Christmas.
-Good.
-Yeah.
For the cat, you can go every other day,
but the dog and fish need
-to be seen morning and night.
-Okay.
The apartment on Butler has
this weird lock,
so if you jiggle it, it will lock,
but make sure you do that.
-Yes.
-What are you doing on your phone?
Sorry. I left a gentleman alone
in my apartment,
so I'm tracking him
to make sure he leaves.
-You're tracking him?
-I track everybody.
If the NSA can do it, so can I.
And he's gone. What were you saying?
I wrote it all down.
They're really specific.
-But if you need anything, you can call.
-Abigail, don't worry.
I'm responsible for the careers
of dozens of authors.
I'm capable of taking care
of a few pets for two days.
-It's five days.
-Five days. That's what I said.
-Refill?
-Hi.
And I think I made the right decision,
but at the same time--
-What is Ultrasuede?
-Ultrasuede is a water-resistant fabric.
-Hello.
-What are we doing here?
-Can I help you?
-I'm picking up.
-Abby Holland.
-Oh, yes, of course.
Wait right here. I'll be right back.
Enjoy some champagne.
Thank you. I love champagne.
Here we are.
-May I?
-Yeah, of course. Thanks.
There it is.
No.
You and Harper have
a perfect relationship.
Why do you want to ruin that by engaging
in one of the most archaic institutions
in the history of the human race?
-Because I want to marry her.
-Okay, you say that,
but what you're actually doing is tricking
the woman you claim to love
by trapping her in a box
of heteronormativity
and trying to make her your property.
She is not a rice cooker
or a cake plate. She's a human being.
It's not about owning her.
It's about building a life with her.
She is my person,
and I really want everyone to know that.
I suppose that's one way of looking at it.
So, when are you gonna ask her?
I was thinking of doing it on New Year's,
but now that I'm going home with her...
I understand this is very old-fashioned,
but I'm gonna ask her dad for his blessing
and propose on Christmas morning.
I'm sorry, ask her dad for his blessing?
Way to stick it to the patriarchy.
Really well done.
I'm so excited. I can't believe
I'm finally gonna meet everyone.
I haven't had a family Christmas
in ten years.
Also, a fact you don't know about me,
I am actually very good with parents.
Okay. There's something
that we should talk about
-before we get to my parents' house.
-What is it?
Do you remember this summer
when I came out to my parents
and told them we were together,
and they took it really well?
Yeah.
Okay, well, that wasn't entirely accurate.
They didn't take it well?
No, no, no.
I didn't tell them.
I was going to.
And then my dad told us
that he was running for mayor,
and it just didn't feel like
the right time.
And now he's trying to get
the support of this donor,
and our whole Christmas is
about impressing this person,
which is stressing my mom out
even more than usual.
And I just...
I know that if I tell them now,
their reaction is gonna be colored
by all this other stress.
And I'm sorry, I don't think
that's fair to you or to us.
Then why did you invite me?
Because we were just having
such a special night,
and, fine, I got carried away.
But it's because I love you
and I want to give you
such a great Christmas.
-We're off to a great start.
-I'm so sorry.
-So, who do they think I am?
-My roommate.
They don't think it's weird that you're
bringing your roommate home for Christmas?
No, because I told them
that you had nowhere else to go
because your parents
are no longer with us.
I'm not going.
Look, this is actually
a really good opportunity
for them to see how amazing
and kind and smart you are.
You said it yourself,
you're great with parents.
So, they're gonna meet you.
They're gonna fall in love with you.
And that will make it so much easier
when I do tell them.
Look...
I get it, okay?
I am asking a lot of you.
But I promise, I will tell them everything
after the holidays.
Okay, we can do this.
It's five days. How bad can it be?
Should I have some sort of cover story
or something?
-Oh, no, no. Just be you.
-Okay.
I mean, but don't, you know,
say that we're together, obviously.
You know, maybe don't mention
that you're...
-Gay?
-Yeah.
I think it might be better
just to avoid it.
But don't lie. You're a very bad liar.
No, I'm not.
-Hi.
-Hi.
Wait.
Mom, what are you doing?
I started an Instagram feed
for your father
to give voters a peek behind the curtain.
Your mother's going viral.
Hi.
Look at you.
You get more and more beautiful
every single time I see you.
Mom, stop.
-Did you bring concealer?
-Yeah. This is Abby.
Hi, Abby. It is so nice to meet you.
It's so nice to meet you, too.
Thank you for having me here.
It is nothing.
Harper's father and I are always happy
to open our doors to those in need.
-Where is Dad?
-He's on a call.
-Okay. Well, we are gonna--
-Harper!
-Jane. I have asked you not to do that.
-I know. I didn't listen.
I didn't think you'd be here,
but here you are.
I didn't want to wait one more second
to see my little sis.
I was changing the air filters.
-It's sticky.
-Thank you, Jane.
-Yeah, hi. You must be Abby.
-Yeah. Nice to meet you.
You, too.
I'm so sorry about your parents.
Oh, no.
It happened a long time ago.
You're so brave. You don't need to be.
-Jane.
-Mom, can you do something?
Okay, that's enough, Jane.
-Jane, too much. Too much.
-You're always safe with--
So, this is our living room.
-That's a beautiful piano.
-Isn't it?
I wish my daughters had bothered
to learn to play it,
but it does look nice.
-I took lessons for eight years.
-And this is the den.
You're sure Harry will be there
tomorrow night, right?
Perfect. Carolyn, I'll call you later.
My daughter just arrived.
-There she is, my perfect girl.
-Hi, Dad.
Look at you.
Hi, Dad.
Jane, glad you're here.
The Internet has been a little spotty.
Oh, not again.
Oh, and this is Harper's orphan friend.
This is Abby.
-Yes, of course.
-Hey, sir.
Terrible. There, there.
Harper, I read your piece
about that senator.
-He's gotta resign, right?
-I think it's just a matter of time.
-That was a good piece.
-Oh, thanks, Dad.
You know what was really good?
The speech you made
at the food bank on Thanksgiving.
Thank you.
You know, that speech wasn't scripted.
It just came to me.
-You could tell. You were very--
-Okay, enough shoptalk. Let's continue.
-Okay. Bye.
-See you later.
And this is Sloane's room.
She's my eldest.
That's a lot of trophies.
Yes. She was brilliant.
She and her husband Eric,
he graduated top of his class at Yale,
were very successful attorneys.
But they gave it all up
to raise their beautiful twins.
And now they make gift baskets.
Which is great.
What'd I miss?
I know, right?
Is it hot in here, or is it just him?
-Yummy, yummy, yummy.
-No, Jane. No.
Mom, I thought you were gonna turn
this room into your office.
-Men need offices, dear.
-Okay.
Oh, that is Harper's
old high-school boyfriend, Connor.
-I asked you to put this away.
-You know, he's still single.
Okay, Mom, stop. Please.
-Do you have a boyfriend, Abby?
-No.
But I have 'cause I have had many.
But not too many. An appropriate amount.
-I actually just went through a breakup.
-Oh, no.
Abby.
Yeah. With... He was a milkman.
Okay, and I think
we'll just settle in now.
Okay, well, we'll just show Abby
to her room.
What, is she not gonna
stay up here with me?
Harper, I would never ask two grown women
to share the same bed.
Harper.
No, Abby will stay in Jane's old room.
I could show it to her.
I could take her down.
-Yeah, let's go.
-Settle down.
-I'm settled.
-Okay.
-Your room's in the basement.
-Yeah. I had night terrors.
They put me down here
so I wouldn't wake everyone up.
Behold.
Cool, huh?
-It's very cool.
-It's my room.
-Is everything okay?
-Yeah, really good.
No, not you.
-Yeah.
-Thank you, Jane.
Why don't you go on home
and rest up a little bit before dinner?
Okay. Don't have any fun without me.
-Yeah.
-Bye.
I'm sorry about all this mess.
What? No, this is so nice.
Better than your room at the orphanage?
I wasn't in an orphanage
'cause I was 19 when my parents died.
Oh, one of the lucky ones.
-Well...
-I'll let you settle in.
-We leave for dinner at 6:45.
-Okay.
There's no lock on this door.
We had it removed because Jane was
always scared we would lock her in.
But don't worry,
you'll have total privacy.
Okay. Thank you.
Okay.
-Milady.
-Thank you.
-Is this all right?
-Perfect, Colleen. Thank you.
Oh, actually, I think
we're gonna need one more chair.
-I'll have one brought over.
-Who else is joining us?
Hey, guys. How's it going?
-Connor! How funny to see you here.
-You told me to be here at 7, right?
-Hey.
-How you doing?
-Great to see you, Connor.
-Hey, Ted. How you doing?
-Great.
-Hi, Connor.
Hi, Jane. Hi. It's been a minute.
-How are you?
-Yeah, hey.
Connor, this is Harper's friend, Abby.
-Hey. Connor.
-Hey.
-She's an orphan.
-Jane.
I'm so sorry. I...
-What are you doing?
-She is.
-No, it's--
-It's all we have.
All right. Thank you.
Let's all take a seat.
-Do you want to switch?
-No. No, this is perfect.
Okay.
In the third chapter, the Shadow Dreamers
discover that the gemstone
that they thought was inside the gork
was actually stolen by an evil floam,
which is sort of like a maggel
but with less arms and more powers.
That's amazing. It really is.
I can't believe you're still working
on that book. It's been ten years.
It takes a long time to build a world.
You know what I was thinking about
the other day?
I was thinking about that trip that
we took to our old house in Jackson Hole
-when Harper got chicken pox.
-Yeah.
-Oh, God.
-Harper told me this story.
Then you must know
that she very quickly gave it to Connor.
Yes, she did.
The two of them didn't leave the cabin
for the whole trip,
if I remember correctly.
Literally in a cabin running a fever.
-Yeah.
-Together.
Together. Yeah, yeah.
It was ground zero for chicken pox.
God, that was fun. You know,
I really loved going on those trips.
-We loved having you, son.
-Should we go to the ladies' room?
I would hate to miss
some of these stories.
No, we'll be quick.
I am so sorry.
I had no idea
he was gonna be here, I swear.
It's funny,
I remember you telling me that story.
I think you just forgot to mention
that Connor was also there.
I know. I don't know. He didn't seem like
an important part of the story.
Look, I'm gonna talk to my mom,
and I'm gonna make sure
that nothing like this happens
for the rest of the trip, okay?
You can be totally honest with me.
Like, about anything.
Seriously, I can take it.
Okay.
Then you should know
that it is very difficult
to sit next to you at dinner
and not be able to kiss you.
No more surprises. I promise.
Riley.
Harper.
Sorry.
Riley, this is Abby. Abby is my--
Orphan. Roommate.
I am an orphan, but we live together
as friends, like acquaintances.
-Please stop.
-Yeah.
Nice to meet you.
-So, I'm just gonna sneak on by you guys.
-Oh, God. Sorry. Sorry.
Just...
Was that the Riley?
Okay, that one really wasn't my fault.
Well, who knows, maybe another one
of your exes will bring out dessert.
-Okay.
-Oh, my God.
Harper, did you see
that the Bennetts are here?
Yeah, we just ran into Riley.
Did you hear she's doing her residency
at Johns Hopkins?
I should have her look at my mole.
No, I hadn't heard that.
It's very impressive.
Her parents must be proud and relieved.
I know. That lifestyle choice...
-Such a shame.
-Abby, what do you do?
Oh, I'm working on my PhD in Art History
over at Carnegie Mellon.
My parents were professors there,
so I wanted to follow in their footsteps.
You know, before law school,
I took all the money I had
and went to Paris for a month.
Spent every day in museums.
That experience made me the man I am.
That must have been incredible.
What a dream.
It was.
Boy, Carnegie Mellon, huh?
Bet you could teach me a thing or two.
-Should I go over there?
-No, darling.
-I do think it's getting bigger.
-Stay at the table, Jane.
-Hey.
-You settling in okay?
Yeah, yeah, you're such a wonderful host,
so I'm great.
Thank you, Abby. Thank you.
-Hi.
-Hi, sweetie.
-Do you need something?
-No, just to say good night to Abby.
Mom, do you mind?
-Yeah.
-I get it.
Girl talk. Okay.
When you finish, I want to give you
a little early Christmas present.
Okay.
-Night.
-Night, Abby.
Tonight wasn't the best.
Yeah. But we got through it.
You know, you're right.
You are really good with parents.
-You think they like me?
-Definitely.
You think they like me
as much as they love Connor?
Oh, no, no, no.
But they don't even really like me
that much.
-I love you.
-I love you.
Stop it.
Where the hell did it go?
Cheap freaking puzzle.
Abby, I'm in the middle of something
right now. Is everything okay?
-Yeah. I'm just checking on the animals.
-They're all good.
I walked the dog, fed him,
fed the cats. All are well.
What about the fish?
The fish are-- Yeah.
The fish are-- Yes. Yeah.
But enough about me.
Have you managed to get a man's permission
to take ownership
of an adult human woman yet?
Not exactly.
-What's going on? You sound tense.
-No, I'm not tense. I'm great.
There's just one tiny thing.
Harper isn't out.
Her parents don't know we're together.
Okay, you know what,
I always felt like something was off.
You can't go over a year without meeting
your significant other's parents.
Trust me, I have tried.
It's not that big of a deal
because she does plan on telling them
after the holidays.
Her parents are believing
that their straight daughter
brought home her lesbian friend
for Christmas?
No. No.
They also think that I'm...
That I'm straight.
-Have they ever met a lesbian?
-It's not so bad.
It's kind of fun having a secret.
Yeah, there's nothing more erotic
than concealing your authentic selves.
I know it's not ideal.
But I know that it's
what she needs right now.
Who are you?
I'm Abby.
Do you work here?
No, I'm Harper's friend.
Kids! Where are you?
Hey.
What are you doing in here? Out.
But that's our room.
Sorry about them. I'm Sloane.
Why does she get to sleep in there?
-Hi, I'm--
-Because she's a grown-up, sweetie.
-Up, up, up.
-Abby.
Come on, I made you breakfast.
Are you tired? Not me. I like the morning.
But then I have something meaningful
to get out of bed for.
-Thank you, Mommy.
-Thank you, Mommy.
Snowman pancakes.
God, that's a lot of work for something
that's just gonna turn to shit.
But that's like your law degree.
It must be freeing to be so self-involved,
you don't realize
that's not appropriate language
to use in front of children.
-We got everything out of the van.
-Thank you, honey.
-Oh, this is--
-Abby. I'm Eric.
Nice to meet you.
A teaspoon of coconut oil,
add some nice moisture to those hands.
Yeah, thank you.
So, you and your sister
are pretty intense.
What do you mean?
Freeze!
Don't move one more muscle
before I hug you.
Hi, Jane.
-Hi!
-Jane.
-Hi, Eric. Hi.
-Hi, Jane.
Hi, you guys. Hi.
Gosh, you're so big.
What are you, college students?
We're in elementary school.
Yeah. No, I know. I'm just--
You're just so tall, you know?
-There they are!
-My babies!
-Hi, Daddy.
-Did you get Harper's article I sent?
-I did.
-Good, right?
-Ted.
-Eric.
-Good to see you.
-Hey, Mom.
Hey.
-Morning.
-Morning, Abby.
Hey, girls. Come here.
Just come over here.
I cannot believe I've got all my daughters
under one roof.
This is great content.
-Hold it. Hold it and--
-How do I look?
Smile. Got it!
Okay. I gotta shower.
-Big night tonight.
-That's too much.
We're meeting a major donor at the party.
Harper, I need you to bring your A game.
-Got it.
-Dad, do you need me to do anything?
Honey, no. You just bring
that beautiful family and show them off.
Who knows, these might be
the only grandchildren we ever have.
And it is crucial that we take
the family holiday photo
for the Instagram tonight,
so don't wear anything
that will strobe. Jane.
Okay, who's ready to go ice-skating?
-Are you--?
-No.
Let me know if you guys need more room.
I can make myself real small.
So, Sloane and Eric,
you guys make gift baskets, right?
No.
We create curated gift experiences
inside of handmade,
reclaimed wood vessels.
Yeah, the vessels are gorgeous.
She has impeccable taste.
Oh, no, honey, you have the eye.
That sounds great.
Yeah, Gwynnie seems to think so. Paltrow.
Goop picked us up, and sales have been
through the roof ever since.
-Hey.
-Hey.
-Are you sure you're okay?
-Yeah. No, this is so fun.
Sloane, do you need a helper?
Please.
I've always skated circles around you.
That was in your youth.
I've lapped you like 12 times today.
-Like I'm even trying.
-Like it would even matter.
Twenty bucks says
I can do two laps under a minute.
Fifty bucks says I can do three.
-Let's do it.
-Jane, time us.
-I'm actually having fun just--
-Jane!
Okay, fun. Yeah. No problem.
Ready?
Set.
Go.
Move!
I love it when they do this.
-What are they doing?
-Racing.
Oh, yeah.
-Jane, time!
-I forgot to press start.
-How long do you think--?
-Don't tell them.
-Do you need to take a break yet?
-Maybe you should worry about yourself.
Oh, yeah? Why--?
Oh, my--
Should we stop them?
No, they'll tire themselves out
eventually.
-Yeah. That's right.
-It's the way it goes.
-Get off me!
-I love you guys. I love you.
-No! You're such a cheater!
-Stop it!
You stop it!
-You're gonna need to turn around.
-She's gonna turn around.
Jane, that's what
you're wearing, right? All right.
Harper!
Can you make them be still?
-You gotta stand up for me, buddy.
-Stand very still.
It's my early Christmas present.
-Harper, please come here.
-Honey, we're very late.
Ted, the family holiday photo
is an essential element
of every candidate's feed,
and if we cannot manage to post one,
we do not deserve to have that account.
-All right.
-That is so true.
-Jane, get out of the middle.
-Matilda, you have to stand.
Abby! Would you mind taking that?
-Yeah, not at all.
-Thank you.
-Okay, here we go.
-Face this way.
-Thank you.
-Okay.
-Everyone say "Christmas."
-No, don't say that. Just smile.
Okay.
That's good. No, wait.
Blurry.
Boring. Nope. Nope. Nope.
Okay, none of these will do.
We will try again tomorrow. Thank you.
Where's Abby?
Ted! Tipper!
I'm so glad you made it.
-Carolyn, you are a vision.
-Gorgeous dress.
You remember my daughters,
Harper, Jane and Sloane.
Sloane's husband Eric.
Their children, Matilda and Magnus.
And this is Harper's friend, Abby.
Charmed. This is my assistant, Levi.
Though, truth be told, in a few years,
we'll probably all be working for him.
-Oh, you're too kind.
-Is the white whale here?
-Indeed. Let me take you over.
-Harper, come with us.
Jane, keep Abby company.
-You got it.
-Dad, should I come, too?
-I'll come right back.
-No, honey. Just enjoy yourself.
Great.
Now, Harry's tough.
Don't let her throw you.
I'm gonna take the twins to
the kids' club. Order me several drinks.
-Yeah.
-Come on, you guys. Let's go play.
Okay. Well, looks like
it's just us ladies.
Now, I don't know about you,
but I am single and ready to mingle, so...
Harry.
-This is--
-Ted Caldwell.
Miss Levin, it is an honor.
-I'll leave you to get acquainted.
-Thank you.
This is my husband, Scott.
We met on Bumble.
Pleasure. And this is my wife, Tipper.
My daughter Harper, who writes for the--
-Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.
-Yes.
Yes, I'm familiar.
You've read her work?
Yes.
Hey, could I get a vodka neat?
-Sure.
-Thanks.
You're new.
Yeah, I'm just visiting.
From where?
I'm not interested
in meeting anyone tonight.
I am.
I'll have to check out Goop.
When was that one, again?
-Just very recently.
-Was it a part of a holiday gift?
-Are you enjoying the party?
-Yeah.
That's great.
If my friend ditched me at a party,
I probably wouldn't have a good time.
Oh, no. She didn't ditch me.
She's just helping your dad.
Yeah, she's very helpful.
So, how long have you
and Harper been roommates?
I moved in like six months ago.
You moved into her place?
Isn't it a one-bedroom?
Technically, yes.
Yeah, well, it was a one-bedroom,
and now that we have converted the pantry
into my bedroom, it's two-bedroom.
-It's really spacious in there--
-I don't want to have this conversation.
No problem.
Being mayor is no small task.
However, it's a task I am not only up for
but eager to take on--
I'm gonna stop you right there.
I have a perfect record,
and do you know why?
Because I do my homework.
Last election, I almost backed Dave Grady.
Dave Grady? Didn't his son--?
Get arrested
for exotic animal smuggling? Yes.
I'm telling you this
because I'm not just looking at you.
This is a family affair.
Well, I can assure you,
this family has nothing to hide.
-Hey.
-Hey, hey.
-Hi. Can I have a sip? Thank you.
-Yeah, of course.
You okay?
I just needed a bit of a breather.
Thank you.
Harper.
-Hi!
-Hi!
You look incredible.
As always.
You, too! God, guys...
This is my roommate, Abby.
And this is Kelly and Ashley.
-Lovely to meet you.
-Yes. Nice to meet you, too.
Hey, you guys.
Seeing the three of you
standing next to each other
takes me right back to high school.
Minus the bad cafeteria food.
You're so funny.
Harper, can I talk to you?
Yeah. I'll just be a sec.
Am I crazy or did you have no idea
I was coming to dinner last night?
-It was a surprise.
-Yeah.
-Yeah, I thought so. Sorry about that.
-It's not you.
Actually, I'd love to do...
that again.
Like, hang out again, if you got time.
That sounds so nice, and...
And I just don't know
'cause it's so busy and--
-Totally got it. No pressure.
-Yeah.
That being said, if you, you know,
and your roommate
want to hang out, that'd be great.
-Abby. Yeah.
-Abby. Yeah. Absolutely.
Hey, if she doesn't sleep with him,
then I will.
I'm just kidding. I would never.
-He is definitely still into her.
-I know.
I should...
take this.
Hello?
You know that you're in a country club
that didn't let women have their own
memberships until the early 2000s?
How do you know that?
I might be tracking you,
but it's for your own safety, clearly.
-What do you want?
-I want you to break out of that closet.
I am not in the closet.
Harper's gonna tell her parents
right after the holidays.
You deserve to be with someone who shouts
their love for you from the rooftops.
-That's very sweet.
-So, stop being a doormat, you fool.
Did you need something,
or did you call to shame me?
I'm not shaming you.
I think the choice is dumb, and you should
feel bad about it and yourself.
Also, I am loving these fish.
If I wanted to buy
the exact same one for myself,
where do you think I would do that?
What?
I think I should Google it.
I'm gonna Google it. Thanks.
Hey.
Oh, hey. Hey.
-How's it going?
-Great.
I was just taking a break from diagnosing
everyone's mystery illnesses.
I wasn't trying to eavesdrop or anything.
I was out there before you came out.
You didn't see me, but...
I can relate.
Like, to what?
Nothing.
Nothing.
Okay. I'm gonna go back inside.
I'm sure my mother's hairdresser wants
to show me her weird finger again.
So...
I like your jacket.
Okay.
Thank you. Thank you so much.
Will you all please join me
in welcoming my dear, dear friend,
Councilman Ted Caldwell.
Thank you so much. Thank you.
Isn't this the best time of year?
I mean, really.
I know we're all having a great time,
so I will be brief.
I've accomplished a lot in my life.
And serving you on the city council
is right up there
with my most rewarding life experiences.
But I'm ready for more!
These are turbulent times,
and the way I can ensure depravity
doesn't seep in
through the cracks of our community
is by making sure there are no cracks!
-Yes!
-No cracks!
Look, our foundation is built
on family, tradition and faith.
And that is the only way
we will keep safe and strong.
I have loved being your city councilman,
and I can't wait to be your mayor.
Merry Christmas!
...the way I can ensure
depravity doesn't seep in
through the cracks of our community
is by making sure there are no cracks!
Look, our foundation is built
on family, tradition and faith.
And that...
For the chicken breast,
we were looking at a quarter cup of honey.
And remember to use local honey...
Shit. Shit.
Come on. Come on. Nope.
Shut up. Shut up. Oh, no.
Abby, what are you doing in the closet?
I--
I must have been sleepwalking.
Oh, that is very dangerous.
I once took too many Ambien
and I bought a racehorse online.
Okay. You need to go back downstairs.
-Okay.
-Carefully.
-Are you all right to do that?
-Yeah.
Oh, gosh. My phone, too.
-I was in such a daze.
-I'll get all this.
-Okay.
-Go on.
-You want me to come with you?
-No. Thank you. I'm sorry about this.
Oh, my God.
How did you get down here?
When I saw that mess upstairs,
I knew my mom would be busy
for the next two hours.
-What do you want to do?
-I don't know.
-Abby?
-Oh, shit.
-Oh, fuck.
-Abby, honey, are you okay?
I'm okay.
I can't believe I fell asleep.
I think there's something
against the door.
I'm just moving it right now.
Sorry, it's heavy.
-Morning.
-Why did you block the door?
I didn't want to sleepwalk again.
Well, sorry to barge in.
The twins usually stay down here.
I'm just getting them Jane's old Game Boy.
-Morning, kids!
-Morning.
Abby. Honey, I'm headed to the office,
but I wanted to let you know,
I have invited Harry Levin and her husband
to our Christmas Eve party.
-What?
-You heard what she said.
It's not just about me.
It's about our whole family.
And what is a better representation
of our family
than your Christmas Eve party?
It is legendary.
-Have a good day.
-You know I will.
I can't even believe that.
That is two more people on the guest list.
I basically have to reimagine
the entire party.
-Man.
-Found it.
Okay, come on, you two.
Let's look at it.
-That was very, very close.
-We shouldn't have done that.
Harper, we've been up since 5:45 a.m.,
and the twins already made
their own cookies and decorated them.
-No.
-We're making these for the party.
Okay, I'm off.
Where are you going?
Levi has a connection
with a local potpourri vendor.
-He's gonna introduce us.
-Great.
-Yeah.
-Okay.
Bye, babe. Bye, kids.
-Bye, Daddy.
-Bye, Daddy.
-Jane. Oh, my God. No.
-I'm just gonna do a button.
You can't decorate these. Can you not?
I'm trying to have an even number.
When are we gonna see Santa?
I don't know if we're gonna see him.
Jane, can you not? I just--
Take them to see Santa Claus.
This could be the last year
that they see him.
-Why? Is Santa dying?
-No.
-Are we dying?
-No. Fine. I will take you.
I still need to get
a white elephant gift anyway.
-Did you guys get yours?
-Yes.
Yeah. I'm making something very special.
What is white elephant?
It's a gift exchange game we do every year
at our Christmas Eve party.
I guess you don't know what it is
because Harper forgot
to tell you about it.
-I'm sorry.
-That's okay. I can grab one today.
Great. So, you girls can tag along
with Sloane to the mall.
Oh, I told dad that I'd go to his office
and help him write his speech for dinner.
Yeah, I wish I could go,
but I have to put the finishing touches
on my Christmas gifts.
Guess it's just gonna be you and me. Fun.
-Make sure you're all back here by 4.
-That's okay?
We are going to get that Christmas photo
tonight before we leave for dinner.
-Yes.
-Yes.
Oh, hey!
Hey. Can you watch them for a bit?
I have to run an errand.
Santa promised them
the complete works of Sylvia Plath, so...
-Is that all right?
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay. Thank you. Be good, you two.
Hi, guys. Do you...
want to come over...? Wanna--? Come on.
Why was Aunt Harper hiding in your room?
We were playing a game.
Like hide-and-seek?
-Yeah. Like hide-and-seek.
-We love that game.
What do you guys think
about white elephant?
-What gift should I get? Can you help me?
-How about this?
That is nice.
I was thinking maybe something
everyone might like, like...
I don't know. A scarf might be good.
Someone might want to have that.
Seems Christmassy.
Hey, come on.
Hey, Carolyn.
Hey, it's good to see you.
I'm Abby. We met last night.
I'm Harper Caldwell's friend.
Oh, yes. Yes, of course.
It's lovely seeing you.
I'm looking forward to dinner tonight.
-Okay.
-Okay.
Have a nice day. I'll see you later.
-Hey, we're gonna stop you right there.
-Ma'am!
-Put the bag on the floor.
-Miss, put it down.
Put the bag on the floor and slide it--
You want to explain that?
As I've said,
I did not put that in my bag.
You didn't put in your bag,
but it ended up in your bag,
so this is probably
just a big misunderstanding.
Maybe it grew legs
and then it walked into her bag.
-Did you check it for legs?
-I haven't checked it for legs.
-I'm not suggesting that it grew legs.
-It's not looking good, sweetie.
-Pittsburgh, huh?
-Yeah.
What are you doing down this way?
You pulling a job?
Jacking a roost?
-What was that?
-Hocking crank and breaking bad.
-I'm not doing any of those things.
-Smash and grab?
I didn't take this necklace. I'm sure
that you could review some footage.
-Aren't there cameras in malls?
-Are you telling me how to do my job?
-You're gonna regret it.
-Fine.
Why don't you go ahead and do my job?
You're in charge now.
-I'm gonna get her to sing, okay?
-Go ahead.
I'm gonna make
this little birdie go tweet, tweet, tweet.
Eugene? Goddamn it. We're--
-I heard there were cruffins in here.
-No.
There aren't any cruffins.
There's not or there were? Were there?
-No, we stopped keeping food in here.
-No.
-Dad, Abby would never do this.
-Quick because we're late.
This isn't a conversation, Harper.
Just be nice.
-I know, I know.
-I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
-I didn't do it.
-Baby, I know.
But Carolyn thinks it would just be better
if you weren't at the dinner.
Look, it's gonna be so boring anyways.
You're lucky you don't have to go.
Come here.
Can we hang out tonight after the dinner?
My friends want to go out. We can go
with them, or we can not go with them.
I just think we need a break
from the family.
Yeah.
Harper, we have got to go.
-We're gonna be late.
-Okay.
I'll see you later. Okay.
I'm sorry.
We weren't able to get the photo again.
Hey.
We meet again.
Yeah.
-No Harper?
-No, she's...
with her family.
I'm gonna meet up with her in a bit.
What'd you get?
Oh, I can't tell you
because it's for the white elephant party.
-Oh, you're going to that, too?
-Oh, yeah.
Yeah, my family goes every year. It's...
God, it's the best party of the year.
You know, I'm glad I ran into you
'cause I'm having this thing
where if I stick my finger in my eye,
it really hurts.
Yeah, I mean, that's a classic case
of... contact stupiditis.
-Because it's a stupid thing to do.
-Yup.
Once you get to the finger-poking stage,
you're pretty much dead.
I'd really like to drink some alcohol.
Do you know where I could do that?
Yes.
What is Christmas?
Christmas is for caring
What is Christmas?
Christmas is for sharing
What is Christmas, can't you guess?
Christmas is for ha-penis
-Yes, you are.
-I wish.
-Just tell me.
-I wish I had.
-Did you steal it?
-No.
I still don't have a white elephant gift
on top of it all.
-You've gotta get one.
-I'm trying.
I will help you with this.
I know places that aren't malls.
That would be great.
When does Christmas come?
-And when does Christmas leave?
-And when does Christmas leave?
-It comes but never goes
-It comes but never goes
What did you mean last night
when you said you could relate?
That was just a comment
based on an assumption
that I was making about you and Harper.
I think it's probably
an accurate assumption.
You don't have to talk to me
about this stuff. I know it's weird.
So, what has she told you?
That you dated in high school.
That you were her first girlfriend.
That's about it.
Is there more?
Yeah, a little.
I mean...
Yeah.
Yeah. Growing up,
we were totally inseparable.
We were best friends,
and then freshman year,
we became more than friends.
We started dating.
But nobody knew that, obviously.
And we would, like, leave these little
love letters in each other's lockers.
And one day, one of Harper's friends
found one of the letters
and she asked Harper...
what it was about,
and Harper basically just said...
that I am gay
and that I wouldn't leave her alone.
And then, within a couple days,
everybody in school found out,
and everybody was so awful to me.
I'm sorry, that's-- I'm sorry.
Yeah, so the thing
that I can relate to is just...
being in love with somebody that is...
too afraid to show the world who they are.
But that was a long time ago.
Yeah.
Thank you!
All right. That's enough.
And with this next song,
we're gonna need a little help from you.
We're gonna ask you a...
-Question.
-...question.
-And you are going to answer.
-Give us the answer.
-Yeah.
-It's simple.
Here we go.
Who's got a beard that's long and white?
-We're gonna sing. Ready?
-Okay.
Who comes around on a special night?
Santa comes around on a special night
-Special night
-Special night
-Beard that's white
-Beard that's white
Everybody!
Must be Santa
Must be Santa
Must be Santa
Santa Claus
-No. What? Oh, my God, no.
-What?
Oh, we're gonna get
a little more intimate now.
Who's got boots and a suit of red?
Come on, you want to hear her sing, right?
Yeah. Yeah. We want to hear her sing.
I'll help you.
Who's got boots and a suit of red?
Santa's got boots and a suit of red
Yeah, perfect!
Who's got a long cap on his head?
Santa's got a long cap on his head
-On his head
-On his head
-Suit of red
-Suit of red
Must be Santa
Must be Santa
Must be Santa
Santa Claus
Must be Santa
Must be Santa
Must be Santa
I should close out. Harper texted me.
Okay.
Santa's got a beard that's long
Hi! Abby's here.
-Shots. You guys ready?
-How was tonight?
-Shots!
-It was great.
-Oh, I think I'm gonna grab a beer.
-No, Abby.
You cannot be at this place sober.
Ready? Cheers.
Eyes, eyes.
-Eyes, eyes, eyes.
-One, two, three. Go.
-Okay, I need some music.
-Did you have dinner?
-Yeah.
-Wait. I'll come right back.
-Are you having the most terrible time?
-No.
No, I'm just tired.
I'm really tired. I think I'm gonna go.
Oh, no.
I kind of want to stay
a little bit longer. Is that okay?
-Yeah. Yes, of course. Yeah.
-Yeah?
Are you sure?
Okay.
And you'll get home okay?
I won't be out late.
Okay. Text me when you get home.
That was fun.
Yeah.
-I'm glad you came out.
-Yeah.
It's been a minute
since we've gotten to do this, like...
Since we...
Well, you know, I've missed you.
-No, it's nice to catch up.
-Yeah.
Well, I'm that way.
-Oh, darn. I'm that way.
-Where are you?
-Good night.
-Good night. It was great seeing you.
Hey, Harper, was there someone else?
What do you mean?
Is that why we broke up?
No.
No, I told you that the long distance
just got too hard, and--
The distance.
Yeah, I know, I know. I know.
I don't know. Just kind of always
felt like there was something...
It felt like there was something
you weren't telling me.
There wasn't someone else, so...
Hey.
What's wrong?
-Just making sure you're okay.
-Why wouldn't I be?
You weren't answering me, so I was...
I know, but you knew
I was out with my friends.
But I didn't know that you were
gonna be out till 2 in the morning,
-so I'm just checking on you.
-Okay.
I'm sorry. I didn't know I had a curfew.
What is going on with you?
Nothing, I--
Nothing.
I just don't know
why you're keeping tabs on me.
-Keeping tabs on you?
-Yeah.
It just--
-What?
-It just feels a little...
suffocating.
-I'm suffocating you?
-Or not. But just--
I feel really suffocated in the closet
that you shoved me back into.
-You agreed to this.
-Yeah, we were practically already here.
Can you--? Please, be quiet.
I was gonna-- I--
If I knew I was agreeing to you hanging
with your ex, maybe I wouldn't have.
God, Abby.
I just-- I feel like
we just need some space.
You need some space?
Okay.
Abby.
She is very heavy-footed.
Honey, I have a list of party errands
that Jane has volunteered to run,
but I don't trust her
to do them on her own,
so I need you to supervise.
Okay.
It's a long list.
Okay.
No, no.
-Hey.
-Okay.
So, I might have been
a little judgmental when we last spoke.
You are in an unusual situation,
and as your friend,
I should have created a safe space for you
to share without the threat of criticism.
So, I'm sorry. I am here.
No judgment. What is going on?
Well, let's see.
I was arrested by mall security yesterday,
and Harper's family thinks I'm a criminal.
And after spending her entire night
until 2:00 in the morning
with her ex-boyfriend Connor,
she's acting like someone
I barely even recognize.
And I want to just get out of here,
but it would cost me $1,000 to get a ride.
This is why I avoid Christmas.
It brings out the worst in everything.
I know this isn't about me.
I just feel crazy, like...
Do I stick it out for two days?
It's not that long.
But I don't know. I--
What would you do?
I-- Thank you.
I'm gonna need
to give this a think, I think.
Hello?
Hey.
Hey, it's Abby.
Are you doing anything right now?
Who's really gonna want
a mini doughnut factory?
This family.
I saw two of their cousins get
in a fistfight over a quesadilla maker
at this party once.
-Everything all right?
-Yeah.
Thank you so much. It looks so good.
I mean, it looks good.
This is all for me.
Ready to go?
It's probably okay.
Oh, do not put that there.
What do you think this is, a barn party?
Hey, everyone, please come down!
We are getting this photo
as soon as Jane gets here.
Are you sure this is the best time?
People will start arriving any minute.
It's the only time.
-Hi, Abby.
-Hi.
Where should I put
this white elephant gift?
I don't know, in the oven?
Jesus, Abby, where do you think it goes?
Under the damn tree.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
You probably never even had
a Christmas tree.
We do this party every year.
And every year,
no matter how early I start planning,
I just feel totally unprepared.
And I can't find my Christmas brooch.
Have you seen it?
You can tell me. I won't be mad.
I just want to know it's safe.
I haven't seen it.
Okay. Well, if it should magically appear
on my dresser,
there will be no questions asked.
-Okay.
-Okay.
Hey, Ted.
I just wanted to mention...
everything that happened yesterday
was a complete misunderstanding.
-You know, I would never, ever--
-You don't have to explain.
Let's just avoid
any further incidents, yes?
Yeah. Yes.
Merry Christmas Eve!
-Hey, Abby.
-Hey.
Look at what this little elf brought in.
-What is that?
-This is my masterpiece.
Whoever picks it
is gonna be very pleased.
Jane, I'm so glad you're here.
The printer's jammed again.
Oh, okay. I'm on it.
-Hey.
-Hey.
What'd you do today?
I just went and got a white elephant gift.
-In town?
-Yeah.
-How'd you get there?
-Has Jane arrived yet?
Yeah, Jane's in Ted's office with him.
Jane, Ted, now!
Nice of you two to join us.
Where are the twins?
They don't feel like having
their picture taken tonight.
Harper, come with me.
It's a break from traditional gifting
and a move into the extraordinary.
The vessels are curated
for each individual.
We'd be happy to mindfully--
Sloane was on track
to make partner at her firm
before she left to start a family.
She's our super mom.
Harper is our powerhouse, and Jane...
is the only reason
the Internet ever works in this house.
I have a way with routers.
Excuse me, all. The twins have prepared
a little song for you.
What are you drinking?
It's a spiced... alcohol.
-Gross. Can I have some?
-Yeah.
So, Plort is the leader
of the Shadow Dreamers.
He's half human, half Quazzle.
He's got the eyes of a Verg
but the heart of a Zengle.
-The Verg comes from his mother's side...
-...spa package, bubble bath--
Excuse me.
Sloane, Harry wants to meet the twins.
-I'll find them.
-Okay.
Excuse me.
You know, thing is,
my parents were so attached to me
believing in Santa Claus,
that even after years go by
and I stopped believing in Santa Claus,
and they knew
I stopped believing in Santa Claus,
we just kept that charade going.
Their investment in it just made me
feel so bad for them, you know?
Yeah.
Like, so bad for them that, you know,
that I eventually just murdered them.
That sounds fun.
Okay.
What is happening?
Hey, you guys.
Connor, you made it.
-Hi, Merry Christmas. Hi.
-Merry Christmas. Good to see you.
-Hi.
-Merry Christmas.
I don't know.
Yesterday, I'd never felt closer
to another person in my entire life,
and now I don't know her.
I thought she loved me and was happy,
but I see her here, and she's so terrified
of what everyone thinks.
It's just making me wonder
who the real Harper is, you know?
Well, maybe they both are.
I was gonna ask her to marry me tomorrow.
I'm gonna get you a real drink. Okay?
Abby? Abby!
Sorry. What?
How are you here?
When are you gonna get this?
I have been tracking you.
-Hello.
-Hi.
I'm Tipper. This is my home.
Are you the ex-boyfriend?
Yes, I am John,
Abby's heterosexual ex-boyfriend.
And I have come to get her back.
I see. Well, it would've been nice
to have known you were coming,
but since you are here, enjoy.
Thank you so much.
-Okay, I nailed that. And she is fabulous.
-What are you doing?
That phone call earlier
was a cry for help.
I'm here to rescue you.
Please get your things.
Is that the ex-boyfriend?
I mean, I guess he's handsome. I--
Can we please go?
Harper. It's over. I'm done.
I'm just gonna...
Everybody, please take your seats.
We're ready to begin white elephant.
Abby. Hey, can we just talk for a second?
No. I gotta go. I can't--
I can't do this for you anymore.
But Merry Christmas.
Enjoy your family and enjoy Connor.
What? What? No. I don't want him.
I don't want Connor. I want you.
-Then what was that?
-I don't know.
Why are you huddled
in a corner with Riley?
None of this has anything
to do with Riley.
This is all happening
because of you, Harper!
You not telling your parents about us
is a choice that you made.
It is not that simple.
Do you know how painful it's been to watch
the person I love choose to hide me?
I am not hiding you. I am hiding me.
Okay?
Our entire life, we have been expected
to be these perfect, golden children.
I mean, love in our house
wasn't something we just got for free.
It's something that we competed for,
and if we veered off their course,
we lost it.
I know it's messed up, okay? I get it.
But they're my parents.
And I am scared that if I tell them
who I really am, I will lose them.
And I know if I don't tell them,
I will lose you.
I don't want to lose you.
Hey, come here. Come here.
-No! I don't want to lose you.
-No, no. Look at me. Come here. It's okay.
-Don't.
-Hey, stop.
-I don't want to lose you.
-You're not.
Matilda and Magnus!
If you want a present,
you better have a number.
-'Sup?
-'Sup?
Anybody else?
You pump?
-I'm sorry?
-Weights.
Yeah.
Yeah.
-You?
-Yeah. Yeah.
What do you bench?
A thousand, 1,000-plus.
Everybody have your numbers?
-Kids?
-Sloane, Sloane, Sloane.
-Yeah?
-Can we just talk for a sec?
What's there to talk about?
You and Abby are in a relationship.
You've been lying to the family
for God knows how long.
-Does that--? Is that about right?
-Just--
Please don't tell Mom and Dad yet.
Please, Sloane.
I'm telling them after the holidays.
Just rip it.
Promise me you won't say anything.
Now is just very bad timing.
I'm telling them everything
after the holidays anyways.
I feel sorry for you.
Mom and Dad are gonna be heartbroken
when they find out you've been lying.
-Listen, if you--
-Okay.
Kids, found you!
Are you kidding me?
No one's supposed to know yet.
We had an agreement.
I'm sorry.
I guess I'm not the only one
with a secret.
-Yeah.
-Yeah, that is-- That's good mass.
-That is solid.
-Thanks, man.
They all look so nice.
Just choose, Jane.
I'm just kidding.
You have no idea what goes on
in other people's families,
so you need to just keep your mouth shut.
You keep your mouth shut, you psycho.
-I should run. Yeah.
-Yeah.
-Levi. We should--
-I wonder what this one is.
Abby, get the Santa.
-I mean--
-Stay out of this, Sappho.
I wouldn't.
I don't know what this is.
It's big.
Oh, gosh.
Here, help me out here.
What is this?
It's a painting of Main Street. I made it.
I love that.
No, no, no!
I'll kill you! I'll kill you!
-What are you doing?
-Girls!
What is going on?
Yeah, what is going on?
Harper, do you want to tell them
or should I?
-Don't, Sloane!
-Why? It's not good timing?
-Girls, stop that this instant!
-Come on, guys. Just hug it out.
-Shut up, Jane!
-Shut up, Jane!
Don't do this, Sloane.
All this because you're scared
to not be the favorite. Pathetic!
-Sloane, you're making a scene!
-I am?
You think she's so innocent?
All of this is happening
because Harper is--
Harper is a lesbian.
Abby's her girlfriend.
She is lying.
I am not a lesbian!
Sloane is the one that has this big--
No!
Harper!
-Stop it!
-Oh, my.
-Goddamn it! Stop it!
-No!
Enough!
I put 100 hours into that painting,
and you...
You just destroyed it like it was nothing.
It was something.
I am something!
And guess what? I like myself.
And maybe you all don't
because I'm not fancy.
But whether you like it or not,
I'm a part of this family,
and I will not be left out anymore!
No!
Stop it, girls! Stop this right now!
Kids, what are you doing back there?
Playing hide-and-seek,
like Abby and Aunt Harper.
Abby?
Wanna go for a walk?
Okay.
Okay.
Come on.
My parents loved Christmas.
We would do all the stuff.
We would decorate...
and do the tree
and watch every Christmas movie.
After they died, I couldn't bring myself
to acknowledge Christmas.
The holidays were
just a huge reminder of...
them not being here.
So, I really thought maybe this year,
with Harper and meeting her family,
you know...
that it would just feel different.
I don't think that she... loves me
as much as I thought she did.
Hey.
Harper not coming out to her parents
has nothing to do with you.
How could it not?
Remind me, what did your parents say
when you told them you were gay?
That they loved and supported me.
That's amazing.
My dad... kicked me out of the house
and didn't talk to me for 13 years
after I told him.
Everybody's story is different.
There's your version and my version
and everything in between.
But the one thing
that all of those stories have in common
is that moment,
right before you say those words,
when your heart is racing
and you don't know what's coming next...
That moment's really terrifying.
And then once you say those words,
you can't unsay them.
A chapter has ended
and a new one's begun.
And you have to be ready for that.
You can't do it for anyone else.
Just because Harper isn't ready,
it doesn't mean she never will be,
and it doesn't mean she doesn't love you.
I want to be with someone who is ready.
You look great in this coat.
Merry Christmas. Thank you.
Just wait for me in the car.
Great party.
Yeah.
You okay?
I'm so sorry.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
She's a really good one.
Yeah.
-Riley.
-Sloane.
I'm sorry.
Let's get you two to bed.
Thank you, Miss Levin,
for coming, and again,
my apologies for the spectacle.
I'll call you.
What the hell happened tonight?
Even as children,
you never behaved this badly.
I expected more from you,
especially you, Harper.
You know how this world works.
Reputation is everything,
and tonight, you jeopardized mine.
Jane, I know you just wanted
to be included.
It was really nice.
Sloane, making up lies about your sister?
You're better than that!
At least, you used to be.
Sorry, I'm just getting my stuff.
Wait, Abby.
Wait.
Sloane wasn't lying.
I'm gay.
And I am... in love with Abby.
I'm sorry I didn't tell you guys sooner,
but I know how much appearances
and reputation matter to you,
and me being gay just didn't...
fit into the plan.
But I...
let myself hurt Riley...
because I was so scared you would find out
I wasn't who you wanted me to be.
And...
I still regret it.
I can't do that to Abby...
and throw away... our life together.
So, I am done...
being scared,
and I am done keeping secrets.
I love you.
Eric and I are getting a divorce.
We separated a few months ago.
Truth is, I didn't tell you
because without my family,
I'm worthless to you.
We've spent our entire lives
trying to earn your love...
and I'm done, too.
I don't have any secrets,
but I am an ally.
I'm gonna go.
Wait, no, no.
I did it.
I'm sorry.
It's just too late.
I have always wanted to try karate,
even though I know it's not elegant.
-I hate flowers.
-I see what you're doing.
We have been so worried
about seeming perfect.
But maybe...
we don't even know what perfect is.
We have one daughter
who has been unhappy in a marriage
and felt like she couldn't tell us.
And another daughter
who just had her heart broken
because she was afraid we wouldn't
love her if she told us the truth.
And the only reason that Jane is okay
is because we gave up on her after
she wouldn't stop biting in preschool.
That is...
very far from perfect, if you ask me.
Thanks.
I'm really sorry.
I know. Me, too.
And, Jane, I--
I'm so sorry about your painting.
-It was really beautiful.
-It was.
Thanks, guys.
He just needs a little time.
Okay, listen to these ingredients.
"Maltodextrin, autolyzed yeast extract,
artificial colors, Red 40 Lake,
Yellow 6 Lake, Yellow 6, Yellow 5."
Because all of the yellows
taste so different.
You know, I am disgusted at the poison
these corporations try
to pass off as food.
-Who's watching the animals?
-My therapist is taking care of them,
but we should have a conversation
about the fish at some point.
What happened to the fish?
Let's look at gum.
I just want to preface this
by saying that nobody would disagree
that fish belong in the ocean. Correct?
Abby.
-How did you even--?
-I tracked you. John taught me.
-I just want to go home.
-I know. I just...
Please, let me say this.
You are my family.
I mean, you are the love of my life.
I was terrible,
and I wish that I could undo everything.
But I promise you,
I will make it up to you.
I will spend the rest of my life
making it up to you.
And I won't hurt you like this again.
But, please, give me another chance.
I want to build a life with you.
Please.
-What about your parents? I--
-No, no, I--
I don't care what they think.
I only care about you.
If I have you, that's all I need.
Be with me.
Do it.
Yes.
The Shadow Dreamers were compelled
to rise up against Flanks.
Because of the blatant
Thorfian rights violations.
Exactly.
Morning.
-Hi.
-Merry Christmas.
-Morning.
-Hey.
-Hi.
-Hi.
-How'd you sleep?
-Did he come down?
No, not yet.
Everyone.
Go ahead, kids.
We put the necklace in Abby's bag.
We're sorry.
Thank you.
Can we open our stockings now?
-Yes.
-Let's go.
I have sunk almost all of our savings
into this campaign.
Because I thought if I won,
you'd all be proud of me.
We're already proud of you.
We don't care if you win.
Yeah, and the money doesn't matter.
When I sell my book,
I'll take care of all of us.
I love you, girls.
And I'm sorry for making you think
that anything could ever get
in the way of that.
I want to do better,
and it will take time,
but all I want for you is to find
the same joy and happiness
that you have given me,
no matter where it comes from.
Smile. Smile.
You didn't think
I knew how to do that, did you?
-Hello?
-Merry Christmas, Ted.
-Merry--
-I'll get right to it.
I like you. I think you can win, too,
and not just this election.
-Thank you, Miss Levin.
-Hold on, there's an "if."
Now, I don't know if Sloane's revelation
last night was true,
but if it is, and Harper can adopt
a "don't ask, don't tell" policy
regarding her private life,
I think we could be in business.
What do you say?
-Well?
-It's not gonna work out.
We'll figure something out.
-Come over here.
-Okay.
-Where am I? Here?
-Right there.
-Right about--
-Okay.
-Jane, you get in the middle.
-Yeah.
Right there.
John, would you mind?
Oh, I would be delighted.
Okay.
Abby, what are you doing way over there?
-Get in here.
-Come on.
-Okay. Everyone say "Christmas."
-No, don't say that.
"Once they cross Corvall Chasm,
they will enter floam territory.
The Shadow Dreamers know
they might not all make it out
with their Krindoll intact,
but the entire Thorfian race rests
on their shoulders.
They look to each other
and then into the darkness.
It is Glank who takes the first step."
-Here you go. Thank you for coming.
-Okay. Thank you.
Bye.
-Hi. We'll meet you there?
-Hi.
-Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You bet.
-That was awesome.
-Hi.
-Hi.
Two at a time. It's an onslaught.