Harold and Maude (1971) Movie Script
I suppose you think
that's very funny, Harold.
- Hello? Fe?
- Yeah.
Darling, be a dear and cancel my
appointment with Ren this afternoon.
I know he'll be furious
but I've had such a fright today
and with guests coming
this evening... Oh, would you?
Tell him I promise to be in
on Tuesday.
Thank you, Fe,
you're a darling. Yes.
Bye. Bye.
Dinner at eight, Harold.
And do try and be
a little more vivacious.
Of course, Harold's father
had a similar sense of the absurd.
I remember once in Paris,
he just stepped out for cigarettes
and the next thing I knew
he was arrested
for floating nude down the Seine!
Experimenting in river currents
with rubber water wings!
Mauve ones.
That cost quite a bit of influence et
d'argent to hush up, I can tell you!
Harold, dear,
don't play with your food.
What's the matter?
Don't you feel well?
I have a sore throat.
Now, directly after dinner,
I want you to go straight to bed.
Harold's always been
a delicate child.
Even as a baby, he seemed prone
to every possible kind of illness.
Harold, dear, eat up your beets.
I remember in Tokyo, I had
to call the embassy for a doctor...
Oh, my God!
This is too much.
I can't stand much more of this.
I can't take any more.
Oh, my God!
Oh, God!
That's very interesting, Harold,
and I think very illuminating.
There seems to be
a definite pattern emerging
and of course this pattern,
once isolated, can be coped with.
Recognise the problem and you're
halfway on the road to its...
its solution.
Tell me, Harold,
what do you do for fun?
What activity gives you a different
sense of enjoyment from the others?
What do you find fulfilling?
What gives you that special...
satisfaction?
I go to funerals.
"Thou dost prepare for me a table
in the sight of my adversaries,
"Thou dost anoint my head with oil,
"my chalice overflows.
"Kindness and grace shall follow me
all the days of my life
"and I shall dwell in the house
of the Lord for length of days.
"The earth is the Lord's
and the fullness thereof,
"the world
and they who dwell therein.
"For He has established it upon the
waters and set it upon the rivers.
"Who shall ascend
the mountain of the Lord
"or who shall stand
in His holy place?
"The innocent of hand
and the pure of heart
"who has not turned his mind
to vanity
"nor sworn deceitfully
to his neighbour,
"he shall receive the blessing
from the Lord
"and a reward from God,
his Saviour.
"This is the generation of those
who seek him..."
Harold?
Why you purchased that monstrosity
I have no idea.
You can have any car you want
but that ugly horror is an eyesore
and an embarrassment.
Really, it is time you settled down
and stopped flitting away your
talents on these amateur theatrics,
these little divertissements,
no matter how
psychologically purging they may be.
I don't know what to do.
Go and have a talk
with your Uncle Victor.
Perhaps he can fathom you.
After all, he was
General MacArthur's right-hand man.
What do you say, Harold?
It's a great life.
There's action, adventure, advising
and you'll see the war first hand.
And there are plenty
of slant-eyed girls.
It'll make a man out of you, Harold.
You'll travel the world, put on
a uniform and take on a man's job.
You'll walk tall with a glint in
your eye and a spring in your step
and a knowledge in your heart
that you are working for peace
and are serving your country,
just like Nathan Hale.
That's what this country needs,
more Nathan Hale.
I think I can see
a little Nathan Hale... in you.
Tell me, Harold, how many of these...
suicides have you performed?
An accurate number
would be difficult to gauge.
Well, just give me a rough estimate.
A rough estimate?
I'd say... 15.
- 15?
- That's a rough estimate.
Were they all done
for your mother's benefit?
No, no - I would not say benefit.
Harold, I only have a few minutes and
I want to inform you of my decision.
You have led a very carefree,
idle, happy life up to the present,
the life of a child.
But it is time now
to put away childish things
and take on adult responsibilities.
We'd all like to sail through life
with no thought of tomorrow
but that cannot be.
We have our duties,
our obligations, our principles.
In short, Harold, I think it is time
for you to get married.
Let's pray to the Lord,
King of Glory,
that he may bless and deliver
the souls of all faithful departed
from the pain of hell
and the bottomless pit.
Deliver them from the lion's mouth
and the darkness therein
and rather, bring them
to the blessing of light,
holy life, eternal rest.
"Oh, Lord, do not bring yourself
into trial
"for no man...
"becomes holy in your sight unless
you grant forgiveness of his sins.
"I implore you, therefore,
"do not let the verdict
of your judgement go against him...
"Rather, by the help of your Grace,
"may he escape the sentence
which he deserves
"for during his earthly life he would
sign the seal of the Holy Trinity.
"You, who live and reign
forever and ever.
"Amen."
- Like some liquorice?
- No, thank you.
You're welcome.
Did you know him?
- No.
- Me neither.
I heard he's 80 years old.
I'll be 80 next week.
A good time to move on,
don't you think?
I don't know.
I mean, 75 is too early but at 85,
you're just marking time.
You may as well
look over the horizon.
I'll never understand
this mania for black.
Nobody sends black flowers, do they?
Black flowers are dead flowers,
who sends dead flowers to a funeral?
It's absurd!
- What is your name?
- Harold, Harold Chasen.
How do you do? I'm Dame Marjorie
Chardin but you may call me Maude.
- Nice to meet you.
- Thank you.
I think we're gonna be great friends.
Can I give you a lift, Harold?
No, thank you. I have my own car.
Well, I must be off.
We shall have to meet again.
Tell me, do you dance?
- Pardon me?
- Do you sing and dance?
- No.
- No, I thought not.
That woman! She took my car!
I have here the forms sent out by
the National Computer Dating Service.
They screen out the fat and the ugly,
so it is obviously
a firm of high standards.
First, here is
the personality interview,
which you are to fill out and return.
Now then, are you ready, Harold?
Here is the first question.
"Are you uncomfortable
meeting new people?"
Well, I think that's a yes,
don't you agree?
"Should sex education be taught
outside the home?"
I would say no, wouldn't you, Harold?
Yeah, we'll give a D there.
"Should women run for
president of the United States?"
I don't see why not. Absolutely yes.
"Do you remember jokes and take
pleasure in relating them to others?"
Well, you don't do that,
do you, Harold? Absolutely not.
"Do you often get the feeling that
perhaps life isn't worth living?"
What do you think, Harold? A? B?
We'll put C - not sure.
"Is the subject of sex being
overexploited by our mass media?"
Well, that would have to be yes,
wouldn't it?
"Is it difficult for you
to accept criticism?"
No. We'll mark D.
"Do you sometimes have headaches
or backaches after a difficult day?"
Yes, I do indeed.
"Do you go to sleep easily?"
I'd say so.
"Do you believe
in capital punishment for murder?"
Yes, I do indeed.
"In your opinion, are social affairs
usually a waste of time?"
Heavens, no!
"Can God influence our lives?"
Yes, absolutely yes.
"Does your personal religion
or philosophy
"include a life after death?"
Yes, indeed. That's absolutely.
"Did you enjoy life
when you were a child?"
Yes, you were a wonderful baby,
Harold.
"Do you think the sexual revolution
has gone too far?"
It certainly has.
"Do you find the idea
of wife-swapping distasteful?"
I even find the question distasteful.
"Do you..."
Harold, please!
"Do you have ups and downs
without obvious reason?"
That's you, Harold!
"Dearest brothers, let us faithfully
and lovingly remember our brother
"whom God has taken to Himself
from the trials of this world.
"God have mercy,
Christ have mercy, Lord have mercy."
Our Father, who art in heaven,
hallowed be Thy name.
Thy Kingdom come, Thy will be done
on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day, our daily bread
and forgive us our trespasses
as we forgive
those who trespass against us.
Lead us not into temptation
but deliver us from evil.
Amen.
My boy, excuse me.
One moment, please. Who was that
old lady waving to you earlier?
Hello, Harold. Can I give you a lift?
There you are, madam. Were you the
lady who drove my car off yesterday?
- The one with the St Christopher?
- Yes.
Then I suppose it was me!
Get in, Harold.
Were you also the one
who painted the saint?
Yes! How did you like that?
- Well, I didn't.
- Don't be too discouraged.
For aesthetic appreciation,
always a little time.
What a delight it is, Harold,
to bump into you again.
I knew we were gonna be good friends
the moment I saw you.
- You go to funerals often?
- Yeah.
So do I.
They're such fun, aren't they?
It's all change, all revolving.
Burials and births, all linked.
The great circle of life.
This thing handles well.
Ever drive a hearse, Harold?
- Yeah.
- It's a new experience for me.
Well done, hearse!
Shall I take you home, Harold?
This is my car.
- Your hearse?
- Yearse!
Then you shall take me home.
So, just before he left
for the monastery in Tibet,
Big Sweeney gave me his keys.
I had to make changes for the new
model, not as many as you'd think.
Once you have you the basic set,
it's only a question of variation.
You hop in any car you want
and just drive off?
Not any car. I like a variety. I'm
always looking for a new experience.
Maybe... Nevertheless,
I think you're upsetting people.
I don't know if that's right.
If people get upset cos they feel
they have a hold on some things,
I'm just acting as a gentle reminder,
here today, gone tomorrow.
So don't get attached to things.
Now, with that in mind,
I'm not against collecting stuff.
I've collected quite
a lot of stuff in my time.
This is all memorabilia
but it's incidental, not integral,
if you know what I mean.
The birds.
I love them so much.
They are the only wildlife
I get to see any more.
Ah, me, free as a bird.
At one time, I used to break into
pet shops to liberate the canaries
but I decided that was an idea
way before its time.
Zoos are full,
prisons are overflowing.
Oh, my, how the world still...
dearly loves a cage.
Please sit down, Harold.
I'll put the kettle on.
We'll have a nice, hot cup of tea.
Thank you but I really have to go.
But it's oat straw tea!
You've not had that, have you?
- No.
- Well, then.
I really do have to go.
I have an appointment.
I really can't miss it.
At the dentist?
Kind of.
Then, you'll just have to come back
and visit.
- All right.
- My door's always open.
- All right.
- Promise?
I promise.
I asked, do you have any friends?
- No.
- None at all?
No.
Maybe one.
Would you care to talk about
this friend?
No!
You are an interesting case
but this reluctance is detrimental
to the psychoanalytical process.
Do you understand?
Very well.
Your mother tells me that she's
arranging several dates for you
with some young ladies.
How do you feel about that?
- Hello, I'm Candy Gulf.
- How do you do? I'm Mrs Chasen.
Do come in. Harold's in the garden
but he'll be here in a moment.
Shall we sit down?
There's Harold.
- He seems very nice.
- Thank you.
- You are at the university?
- Yes, I am.
- What are you studying?
- Poli Sci with a minor in Home Ec.
Poli Sci...?
Political Science.
It's all about what's going on.
Is Harold interested in
what's going on?
I just think
it's such a super thing to study
and I can always fall back
on my Home Ec.
- That's good planning.
- Yes.
Tell me, are you a regular
with this Computer Club?
Heavens, no!
I don't have to worry about dates.
Some of the girls in my sorority
decided that someone ought to try it
so we drew straws and I lost!
But I'm looking forward to
meeting Harold.
I should mention, Candy, Harold does
have his little eccentric moments.
That's all right. I have a brother
who's a real cut-up, too.
I will never forget the time,
we had this old TV set
with no parts in it,
Tommy stuck his head behind it
and started giving a whole newscast
before the entire family!
Must have been very funny.
Yes, dear, here is Harold now.
Harold, this is Candy.
Candy's just been telling us
a funny story about...
Walter Cronkite.
Excuse me.
- I beg your pardon.
- What do you want?
I'm sorry, I was looking for Maude.
How about some ginger pie?
- Fine. Thank you.
- I'll heat some up.
My, Harold,
I'm glad to see you again.
Do you often model for Glaucus?
Heavens, no!
I don't have the time
but I like to keep in practice
and poor Glaucus occasionally
needs his memory refreshed
as to the contours
of the female form.
- Do you disapprove?
- Me? No, of course not.
Really? Do you think it's wrong?
No.
Heavens! I'm glad you said that.
I wanna show you my painting.
This is The Rape Of Rome.
Over in the corner
is Leda And The Swan,
self-portrait,
and over here is my favourite.
It's titled... Rainbow With
Egg Underneath And An Elephant.
- Do you like it?
- Yeah, very much.
I then became infatuated with these,
my odorifics.
Give the nose a treat!
A kind of a... olfactory banquet.
So, I began on the easiest -
roast beef, old books, mown grass
and Mexican farmyard.
Here's one you'll like,
Snowfall on 42nd Street.
I'll put it on.
Now, you hold onto this,
I'll pump it up.
Now, hold it up there. That's right.
What do you smell?
Subways?
Perfume?
Cigarettes!
- Snow.
- Sn...!
It goes on and on.
It's just great.
But... then I decided
to switch to the tactile.
- What do you think?
- I like this.
No, no, really get close
and reach in and feel.
There's my kettle.
Well... stroke...
palm... caress... explore.
Here we are.
Oat straw tea and ginger pie.
Excuse the mismatched saucers.
- This is a new experience for me.
- Wonderful!
Try something new each day. After
all, we're given life to find it out.
Doesn't last forever.
You look as if you could.
Did I tell you
I'll be 80 on Saturday?
You don't look 80.
That's the influence of the right
food, exercises and breathing.
Greet the dawn with a breath of fire.
There's no question,
my body's giving out.
I'm well into autumn. It's all gonna
be over after Saturday.
Tell me about yourself. What do you
do when you aren't at funerals?
Yes, there is definitely
a certain attraction.
I ask you though, Harold,
is it enough?
What do you mean?
I like to watch things grow.
They... grow and bloom and...
fade and die
and change into something else.
Life!
I should like to change
into a sunflower most of all.
They're so tall and simple.
What flower would you like to be?
I don't know.
- One of these maybe.
- Why do you say that?
- Because they're all alike.
- But they're not.
Look, see, some are smaller,
some are fatter.
Some grow to the left,
some to the right.
Some, even, have lost some petals.
All kinds of observable differences.
You see, Harold, I feel that
much of the world's sorrow
comes from people who are this...
yet, allow themselves
to be treated as that.
Power steering.
That little tree is in trouble.
Come on.
Look at it.
It's suffocating. It's the smog.
People can live with it but trees,
it gives them asthma.
They can't breathe.
The leaves! They're turning brown.
Harold, we have got to do something
about this life.
- What?
- We'll transplant it to the forest.
- You can't do that.
- Why not?
- This is public property.
- Well, exactly.
Well, we'll need tools.
You're right.
We'll go see Glaucus. Come on.
Wait a minute.
Police. Come.
Good afternoon, Officer.
A bit of trouble here?
Yes, ma'am.
Someone had trouble parking.
Tell me, that car over there,
is that parked all right?
Yes, ma'am, that's fine.
Thank you so much. You might turn
the radio off - saves the battery.
A little after-dinner liqueur,
Harold?
- Thank you, I don't drink.
- It's all right, it's organic.
- Thanks.
- It has no nutritional value
but consistency
is not really a human trait.
What is that up there?
That's my umbrella.
That's just a relic. I found it when
I was packing to come to America.
It used to be my defence
on picket lines and rallies
and political meetings,
being dragged off by the police
and attacked by thugs.
What were you fighting for?
Big issue.
Liberty, rights, justice.
Kings died, kingdoms fell.
I don't regret the kingdom.
What sense in borders
and nations and patriotism?
But I miss the kings.
When I was a little girl,
I was taken to the palace in Vienna
to a garden party.
I can still see the sun shining,
the parasols,
the flashing uniforms
of the young officers.
I thought then
that I would marry a soldier.
Later on,
Frederick would chide me about it.
He was so serious.
A doctor at the university...
and in the government.
But that was all before.
So...
you don't use the umbrella any more?
No more revolts?
Yes. Every day...
but... I don't need a defence
any more, I embrace.
Still fighting for the big issues
but now in my small, individual way.
Shall we have a song?
- I don't play...
- Come on, I'll show you.
No...
Harold, join in.
That was fun!
Let's play something together!
- I don't play anything.
- Nothing?!
Dear me! Everybody should be able
to make some music.
That's the cosmic dance.
Come with me.
There has to be something.
Now, let me see...
Hold onto this. What is this?
Just a second, there we are.
You take...
This is the one. Take that.
Just be impulsive, be fanciful.
Let the music flow out of you.
You gotta make some chords.
Put your finger
on the second fret there
and this one on the third.
Then this one here.
Harold dear.
There you are!
I have a little surprise for you.
It's a present.
Come along.
There!
Isn't it darling?
I had them take away that monstrous
thing of yours and send this.
So much more appropriate,
don't you think?
One thing more, Harold.
I telephoned
your second computer date
and she seems a very nice,
quiet girl.
Cute little thing, isn't it?
I like it very much.
Your licence, lady.
I don't have one.
I don't believe in them.
- How long you been driving, lady?
- About 45 minutes, I guess.
We were hoping to start sooner
but it's rather hard to find a truck.
Is this your truck?
No, I just took it.
- You took it?
- Yes, I have to plant my tree.
Well, it's not mine really
but we would like to get it
into soil as soon as possible.
Let me get this straight, you...
All right, then, we'll be off.
Nice chatting with you.
- He was very nice.
- Yeah.
- I think he's following us.
- Is he?!
The police,
always wanting to play games.
Ma'am!
Is the little tree all right?
Yeah, fine.
Terrific!
There.
I love the feel of soil, don't you?
And the smell.
It's the earth...
The earth is my body,
my head is in the stars.
Who said that?
I don't know.
I suppose I did.
Poor baby.
Isn't it wonderful?!
All around us, living things.
All right, out, lady.
- Come on.
- Hello. Have we met before?
None of that, lady. Out.
It must have been your brother.
There is a family resemblance.
Buddy, get out of the car.
Just stand over there, lady.
Get out, buster!
You're in a lot of trouble, lady.
I have you for several offences,
including...
possession of a stolen vehicle,
resisting arrest and possession
of a stolen tree. Where is it?
- We planted it.
- You planted it.
- Is this your shovel?
- No.
Possession of a stolen shovel.
Don't get officious.
You're not yourself when you are.
That's the curse of a government job.
Lady.
Are you gonna take
a lot of time with this?
- Lady, please. Just quiet, please.
- Cos if you are...
Grab the shovel, Harold.
Lady! Stop or I'll have to shoot.
I sure am picking up on vices.
Vice? Virtue?
It's best not to be too moral.
You cheat yourself out of
too much life. Aim above morality.
If you apply that to life,
then you're bound to live it fully.
I haven't lived.
I've died a few times.
What was that?
Well...
The first time
was when I was at boarding school,
in the chemistry lab.
I was in there cleaning it up so I
decided I'd do a little experiment.
You know, so I got all this stuff out
and began mixing it up,
it was very scientific!
There was this massive explosion.
It knocked me down,
blew out a huge hole in the floor.
There was boards and bricks
and flames leaping up.
I figured, you know... time to leave.
My career in school was over.
So... I went home.
My mother was a giving a party so
I went up the back stairs to my room.
Turned out the light and...
I got this funny feeling.
The doorbell rang.
I went out to the banister
and these two policemen came in,
found my mother... and... told her
that I was killed in the fire.
She put one hand up to her forehead,
the other one she reached out
as if groping for support,
and with this long sigh,
she collapsed in their arms.
I decided right then
that I enjoyed being dead.
I understand.
A lot of people enjoy being dead
but they're not dead really.
They're just backing away from life.
Reach out and take a chance,
get hurt even,
but play as well as you can.
Go team, go!
Gimme an L, gimme an I,
gimme a V, gimme an E.
L-l-V-E, live.
Otherwise you got nothing
to talk about in the locker room.
I like you, Maude.
I like you, Harold.
Harold is down at the garage.
He has a new car
and he's just been tuning it up.
- He's very mechanical.
- What kind of car is it?
It's a little Jaguar.
It looks like a hearse.
Very nice. You know, compact.
Edith, I'd like you to meet
my son Harold.
Harold, this is Edith...
- Phern.
- Phern. Very pleased to meet you.
I think you should go and wash up,
dear. Join us in the drawing room.
And what do you do, my dear?
I'm a file clerk,
Harrison Feed and Grain.
Well, what is it exactly that you do?
I'm in charge of all the invoices
for the southwest.
How interesting.
We supply, for example,
most of the egg farmers in Pataluma.
- So you can imagine...
- Yes.
Here's Harold now.
Don't get up, dear.
Edith has been talking about her job.
I'm a file clerk.
Henderson Feed and Grain.
Harrison, Harrison Feed and Grain.
It's at Hamilton and 4th.
I'm in charge of the invoices.
I type up the schedule
for the trucking fleet.
She supplies the whole southwest
with chicken feed.
Well, not exactly
the whole southwest,
although we do do a large business.
Barley was very big last week.
1,500...
bushels.
In view of your recent actions,
Harold,
you have left me with no recourse
but to listen to
your uncle's proposed solution.
Consequently, I have instructed him
to induct you into the service,
and for your own good,
to take up active duty
with the United States army.
And I hope they have more luck
with you than I.
Maude, they're gonna draft me.
Well, don't go.
They'll put me in jail.
Well, historically,
you'll be in very good company.
Maude, can you help me?
With your skill and my experience, I
think we can come up with something.
Look on me
as a father in this matter.
I know you have no desire
to join the army
but once you're in, you'll love it.
It's a great life.
Look at me - chauffeur, respect,
money in the bank.
It has its drawbacks
like anything else, I suppose,
but the army takes care of you
and you've got a buddy for life.
Good idea coming out here, Harold.
It's a lovely spot.
- Thank you, Uncle.
- Call me sir.
That's the first thing you learn.
An officer deserves your respect.
Yes, sir.
Let's examine the facts on it.
I say this country has been too harsh
on its outright condemnation of war.
You can point to the many
material advantages brought about
by a crisis and conflict policy.
Hell, World War II gave us
the ballpoint pen.
In wartime,
the national suicide rate drops.
Is that a fact? Now, why in hell
did we give up on the Germans?
Since the damn politicians
chalked them up on our side,
the wars ever since
have been a national disgrace.
Hell, look at history -
the two best wars we ever
fought were against the Jerries.
I say get the Krauts
on the other side where they belong.
Let's have an enemy worth killing
and a war this country can support.
That's pretty strong stuff, sir.
Well, Harold, I've always been a man
that speaks his piece.
Always hurt me.
I'm not liked in Washington.
I know that...
but I do have friends in high places.
They kept falling!
Joe falls back,
a neat, red hole in his head.
Only one thing
kept going through my mind.
Kill! Kill! For Joe and Mack
and all the rest of the guys.
Kill! And then there was
a blinding flash...
and I woke up on a stretcher.
"Did we hold?" I asked the medic.
"Yes, sir," he said...
and I slipped into unconsciousness.
Boy!
That's a terrific story, sir.
Well, you'll have stories like that
to tell of your own some day.
- Do you think so, sir?
- Sure you will.
Gee, I never dreamed
it could be that exciting.
It's the most exciting thing
in the world.
To pit your own life against another.
- Yes.
- To kill.
The taste of blood in your mouth.
The moment of truth.
- Another man's life in your sights!
- Yes!
- Will they really teach me to shoot?
- Sure. A range of weapons.
- To use a bayonet?
- Yes!
- How about hand-to-hand combat?
- Yes.
To strangle someone, choke 'em,
squeeze out his life
in your bare hands!
- You're getting carried away.
- To slit his throat...
- I don't know.
- See the blood spurt out.
- And souvenirs.
- Souvenirs?
Of your kill.
Eyes, ears, nose, scalp, privates.
What would be the chance
of getting one of these?
- To think I could make my own!
- That's disgusting.
- It certainly is.
- Madam, who are you?
- I am petitioning for peace.
- Parasite.
- I came here to speak.
- Crazy parasite. Commie bastard.
Don't you talk to me like that,
you foul-mouthed degenerate.
- Remember Nathan Hale.
- Calm down.
- She's a commie pig...
- Don't you advance on me!
You'll all end up like this.
- Just like this!
- Filth. Filth!
Give me that.
I'm gonna throw that in the sewer.
- Madam, please.
- She took my head.
- Calm down, Harold.
- She took my head!
I'll kill her! I'll kill her!
I'll kill her!
Give back the head,
let's have no trouble. Harold!
Madam!
Damn you!
You took my head! You cow!
- I'll kill you!
- Help!
I'll kill you. I'll kill you.
Harold, stop that.
What have you done?
Do you pray?
Pray? No, I communicate.
With God?
Life.
- This is real nice.
- Yeah.
- Makes me want to do somersaults.
- Why don't you?
I'd feel stupid.
Harold, everyone has the right
to make an ass out of themselves.
You can't let the world
judge you too much.
Do you care to join me
in a little cartwheel?
I feel more like yelling!
I had the most wonderful day today...
and... you're very beautiful.
You make me feel like a schoolgirl.
Shall I come and visit you tomorrow?
Oh, I can't.
I have a luncheon date...
with a girl.
I don't even know her.
My mother arranged it.
Look!
Dreyfus once wrote from
Devil's Island that he would see
the most glorious birds.
Many years later in Brittany, he
realised they had only been seagulls.
For me, they will
always be glorious birds.
I cannot emphasise too strongly
the importance of this meeting.
This is the last girl so this is
your third and final chance.
And please try to be serious, Harold.
If not for your sake,
at least for hers.
There she is.
Sunshine, I'd like you
to meet Harold.
Harold, this is Sunshine Dor.
How do... How do you do?
I can't complain.
Sunshine is an actress, Harold.
- I like to think so.
- Wonderful.
Why don't you two go down
to the music room
and I'll follow with some drinks.
Or perhaps Starlight
would like a cigarette.
- Sunshine!
- Yes, of course.
Sunshine.
Would you like a cigarette?
No, thank you. They stain my fingers.
Is Sunshine your real name?
Well, actually it was the name
of my drama teacher, Louis Sunshine.
Perhaps you've heard of him?
He was such an influence on
the development of my instrument.
That means my body in theatre talk.
Dor is my real name.
Well, Dore, actually.
Oh, my! What a lovely place
you have here.
Do you play?
No. I am learning the ban...
The harmonica.
Is this your father?
No. It's my Uncle Victor.
He's in the army. I do so like
the military, don't you?
What a wonderful collection
of knives. May I see them?
No, don't touch. They're very old.
Do you enjoy knives?
Oh, yes!
You might find this one interesting.
It's a Hara-Kiri blade.
What's Hara-Kiri?
That was marvellous!
It had the ring of truth.
I played Juliet
in the Sunshine Playhouse.
Louis thought it was
my best performance.
What's here?
A cup, closed in my true love's hand?
Poison, I see,
hath been his timeless end.
O, happy dagger.
O, happy dagger,
this is thy sheath,
there rest...
...and let me die...
I-I've...
That was your last date.
It wasn't very scary.
No. It had nothing on this afternoon.
Come on, you loved it.
It was a new experience.
You sure have a way with people.
Well, they're my species.
Look at these stars.
Here.
A gift!
"Harold loves Maude"
And Maude loves Harold.
This is the nicest present
that I've received in years.
So I'll always know where it is.
Could I speak with Fe, please?
Fe? Darling,
I know Ren will be furious but...
If he knew what I had to put up with
in the last few days.
- Mother.
- Not now, dear.
Could you put me down for Monday?
- I'd like to talk to you.
- I'm on the phone.
I'm getting married.
What did you say?
I'm getting married.
Hold the line, Fe.
To who?
I suppose you think this
is very funny, Harold. A sunflower.
You can't be serious.
Your mother has spoken to me
about your marriage plan
and although I have nothing
against marriage,
I don't think
this is quite... normal.
A very common neurosis,
particularly in this society,
whereby the male child subconsciously
wishes to sleep with his mother.
Of course, what puzzles me, Harold,
is that you want to sleep
with your grandmother.
I would be remiss in my duty...
if I did not tell you...
that the idea of...
intercourse...
and the fact of your firm, young...
body...
co-mingling...
with the...
withered flesh...
sagging...
breasts...
and...
flabby...
buttocks...
makes me want...
to vomit.
It's... dazzling.
You've thought of everything,
and champagne.
It's all right, it's organic.
For you.
And...
after dinner...
one more little surprise...
that I hope will make you very happy.
I am happy.
I couldn't imagine
a lovelier farewell.
Farewell?
Yes, it's my 80th birthday.
Well, you're not going anywhere...
are you?
Yes, dear.
I took the tablets an hour ago.
I'll be gone by midnight.
What?!
What a fuss this is. So unnecessary.
Don't die, Maude, for Christ's sake.
Don't upset yourself so.
I love you.
I love you.
Harold... that's wonderful.
Go and love some more.
Never. Never.
that's very funny, Harold.
- Hello? Fe?
- Yeah.
Darling, be a dear and cancel my
appointment with Ren this afternoon.
I know he'll be furious
but I've had such a fright today
and with guests coming
this evening... Oh, would you?
Tell him I promise to be in
on Tuesday.
Thank you, Fe,
you're a darling. Yes.
Bye. Bye.
Dinner at eight, Harold.
And do try and be
a little more vivacious.
Of course, Harold's father
had a similar sense of the absurd.
I remember once in Paris,
he just stepped out for cigarettes
and the next thing I knew
he was arrested
for floating nude down the Seine!
Experimenting in river currents
with rubber water wings!
Mauve ones.
That cost quite a bit of influence et
d'argent to hush up, I can tell you!
Harold, dear,
don't play with your food.
What's the matter?
Don't you feel well?
I have a sore throat.
Now, directly after dinner,
I want you to go straight to bed.
Harold's always been
a delicate child.
Even as a baby, he seemed prone
to every possible kind of illness.
Harold, dear, eat up your beets.
I remember in Tokyo, I had
to call the embassy for a doctor...
Oh, my God!
This is too much.
I can't stand much more of this.
I can't take any more.
Oh, my God!
Oh, God!
That's very interesting, Harold,
and I think very illuminating.
There seems to be
a definite pattern emerging
and of course this pattern,
once isolated, can be coped with.
Recognise the problem and you're
halfway on the road to its...
its solution.
Tell me, Harold,
what do you do for fun?
What activity gives you a different
sense of enjoyment from the others?
What do you find fulfilling?
What gives you that special...
satisfaction?
I go to funerals.
"Thou dost prepare for me a table
in the sight of my adversaries,
"Thou dost anoint my head with oil,
"my chalice overflows.
"Kindness and grace shall follow me
all the days of my life
"and I shall dwell in the house
of the Lord for length of days.
"The earth is the Lord's
and the fullness thereof,
"the world
and they who dwell therein.
"For He has established it upon the
waters and set it upon the rivers.
"Who shall ascend
the mountain of the Lord
"or who shall stand
in His holy place?
"The innocent of hand
and the pure of heart
"who has not turned his mind
to vanity
"nor sworn deceitfully
to his neighbour,
"he shall receive the blessing
from the Lord
"and a reward from God,
his Saviour.
"This is the generation of those
who seek him..."
Harold?
Why you purchased that monstrosity
I have no idea.
You can have any car you want
but that ugly horror is an eyesore
and an embarrassment.
Really, it is time you settled down
and stopped flitting away your
talents on these amateur theatrics,
these little divertissements,
no matter how
psychologically purging they may be.
I don't know what to do.
Go and have a talk
with your Uncle Victor.
Perhaps he can fathom you.
After all, he was
General MacArthur's right-hand man.
What do you say, Harold?
It's a great life.
There's action, adventure, advising
and you'll see the war first hand.
And there are plenty
of slant-eyed girls.
It'll make a man out of you, Harold.
You'll travel the world, put on
a uniform and take on a man's job.
You'll walk tall with a glint in
your eye and a spring in your step
and a knowledge in your heart
that you are working for peace
and are serving your country,
just like Nathan Hale.
That's what this country needs,
more Nathan Hale.
I think I can see
a little Nathan Hale... in you.
Tell me, Harold, how many of these...
suicides have you performed?
An accurate number
would be difficult to gauge.
Well, just give me a rough estimate.
A rough estimate?
I'd say... 15.
- 15?
- That's a rough estimate.
Were they all done
for your mother's benefit?
No, no - I would not say benefit.
Harold, I only have a few minutes and
I want to inform you of my decision.
You have led a very carefree,
idle, happy life up to the present,
the life of a child.
But it is time now
to put away childish things
and take on adult responsibilities.
We'd all like to sail through life
with no thought of tomorrow
but that cannot be.
We have our duties,
our obligations, our principles.
In short, Harold, I think it is time
for you to get married.
Let's pray to the Lord,
King of Glory,
that he may bless and deliver
the souls of all faithful departed
from the pain of hell
and the bottomless pit.
Deliver them from the lion's mouth
and the darkness therein
and rather, bring them
to the blessing of light,
holy life, eternal rest.
"Oh, Lord, do not bring yourself
into trial
"for no man...
"becomes holy in your sight unless
you grant forgiveness of his sins.
"I implore you, therefore,
"do not let the verdict
of your judgement go against him...
"Rather, by the help of your Grace,
"may he escape the sentence
which he deserves
"for during his earthly life he would
sign the seal of the Holy Trinity.
"You, who live and reign
forever and ever.
"Amen."
- Like some liquorice?
- No, thank you.
You're welcome.
Did you know him?
- No.
- Me neither.
I heard he's 80 years old.
I'll be 80 next week.
A good time to move on,
don't you think?
I don't know.
I mean, 75 is too early but at 85,
you're just marking time.
You may as well
look over the horizon.
I'll never understand
this mania for black.
Nobody sends black flowers, do they?
Black flowers are dead flowers,
who sends dead flowers to a funeral?
It's absurd!
- What is your name?
- Harold, Harold Chasen.
How do you do? I'm Dame Marjorie
Chardin but you may call me Maude.
- Nice to meet you.
- Thank you.
I think we're gonna be great friends.
Can I give you a lift, Harold?
No, thank you. I have my own car.
Well, I must be off.
We shall have to meet again.
Tell me, do you dance?
- Pardon me?
- Do you sing and dance?
- No.
- No, I thought not.
That woman! She took my car!
I have here the forms sent out by
the National Computer Dating Service.
They screen out the fat and the ugly,
so it is obviously
a firm of high standards.
First, here is
the personality interview,
which you are to fill out and return.
Now then, are you ready, Harold?
Here is the first question.
"Are you uncomfortable
meeting new people?"
Well, I think that's a yes,
don't you agree?
"Should sex education be taught
outside the home?"
I would say no, wouldn't you, Harold?
Yeah, we'll give a D there.
"Should women run for
president of the United States?"
I don't see why not. Absolutely yes.
"Do you remember jokes and take
pleasure in relating them to others?"
Well, you don't do that,
do you, Harold? Absolutely not.
"Do you often get the feeling that
perhaps life isn't worth living?"
What do you think, Harold? A? B?
We'll put C - not sure.
"Is the subject of sex being
overexploited by our mass media?"
Well, that would have to be yes,
wouldn't it?
"Is it difficult for you
to accept criticism?"
No. We'll mark D.
"Do you sometimes have headaches
or backaches after a difficult day?"
Yes, I do indeed.
"Do you go to sleep easily?"
I'd say so.
"Do you believe
in capital punishment for murder?"
Yes, I do indeed.
"In your opinion, are social affairs
usually a waste of time?"
Heavens, no!
"Can God influence our lives?"
Yes, absolutely yes.
"Does your personal religion
or philosophy
"include a life after death?"
Yes, indeed. That's absolutely.
"Did you enjoy life
when you were a child?"
Yes, you were a wonderful baby,
Harold.
"Do you think the sexual revolution
has gone too far?"
It certainly has.
"Do you find the idea
of wife-swapping distasteful?"
I even find the question distasteful.
"Do you..."
Harold, please!
"Do you have ups and downs
without obvious reason?"
That's you, Harold!
"Dearest brothers, let us faithfully
and lovingly remember our brother
"whom God has taken to Himself
from the trials of this world.
"God have mercy,
Christ have mercy, Lord have mercy."
Our Father, who art in heaven,
hallowed be Thy name.
Thy Kingdom come, Thy will be done
on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day, our daily bread
and forgive us our trespasses
as we forgive
those who trespass against us.
Lead us not into temptation
but deliver us from evil.
Amen.
My boy, excuse me.
One moment, please. Who was that
old lady waving to you earlier?
Hello, Harold. Can I give you a lift?
There you are, madam. Were you the
lady who drove my car off yesterday?
- The one with the St Christopher?
- Yes.
Then I suppose it was me!
Get in, Harold.
Were you also the one
who painted the saint?
Yes! How did you like that?
- Well, I didn't.
- Don't be too discouraged.
For aesthetic appreciation,
always a little time.
What a delight it is, Harold,
to bump into you again.
I knew we were gonna be good friends
the moment I saw you.
- You go to funerals often?
- Yeah.
So do I.
They're such fun, aren't they?
It's all change, all revolving.
Burials and births, all linked.
The great circle of life.
This thing handles well.
Ever drive a hearse, Harold?
- Yeah.
- It's a new experience for me.
Well done, hearse!
Shall I take you home, Harold?
This is my car.
- Your hearse?
- Yearse!
Then you shall take me home.
So, just before he left
for the monastery in Tibet,
Big Sweeney gave me his keys.
I had to make changes for the new
model, not as many as you'd think.
Once you have you the basic set,
it's only a question of variation.
You hop in any car you want
and just drive off?
Not any car. I like a variety. I'm
always looking for a new experience.
Maybe... Nevertheless,
I think you're upsetting people.
I don't know if that's right.
If people get upset cos they feel
they have a hold on some things,
I'm just acting as a gentle reminder,
here today, gone tomorrow.
So don't get attached to things.
Now, with that in mind,
I'm not against collecting stuff.
I've collected quite
a lot of stuff in my time.
This is all memorabilia
but it's incidental, not integral,
if you know what I mean.
The birds.
I love them so much.
They are the only wildlife
I get to see any more.
Ah, me, free as a bird.
At one time, I used to break into
pet shops to liberate the canaries
but I decided that was an idea
way before its time.
Zoos are full,
prisons are overflowing.
Oh, my, how the world still...
dearly loves a cage.
Please sit down, Harold.
I'll put the kettle on.
We'll have a nice, hot cup of tea.
Thank you but I really have to go.
But it's oat straw tea!
You've not had that, have you?
- No.
- Well, then.
I really do have to go.
I have an appointment.
I really can't miss it.
At the dentist?
Kind of.
Then, you'll just have to come back
and visit.
- All right.
- My door's always open.
- All right.
- Promise?
I promise.
I asked, do you have any friends?
- No.
- None at all?
No.
Maybe one.
Would you care to talk about
this friend?
No!
You are an interesting case
but this reluctance is detrimental
to the psychoanalytical process.
Do you understand?
Very well.
Your mother tells me that she's
arranging several dates for you
with some young ladies.
How do you feel about that?
- Hello, I'm Candy Gulf.
- How do you do? I'm Mrs Chasen.
Do come in. Harold's in the garden
but he'll be here in a moment.
Shall we sit down?
There's Harold.
- He seems very nice.
- Thank you.
- You are at the university?
- Yes, I am.
- What are you studying?
- Poli Sci with a minor in Home Ec.
Poli Sci...?
Political Science.
It's all about what's going on.
Is Harold interested in
what's going on?
I just think
it's such a super thing to study
and I can always fall back
on my Home Ec.
- That's good planning.
- Yes.
Tell me, are you a regular
with this Computer Club?
Heavens, no!
I don't have to worry about dates.
Some of the girls in my sorority
decided that someone ought to try it
so we drew straws and I lost!
But I'm looking forward to
meeting Harold.
I should mention, Candy, Harold does
have his little eccentric moments.
That's all right. I have a brother
who's a real cut-up, too.
I will never forget the time,
we had this old TV set
with no parts in it,
Tommy stuck his head behind it
and started giving a whole newscast
before the entire family!
Must have been very funny.
Yes, dear, here is Harold now.
Harold, this is Candy.
Candy's just been telling us
a funny story about...
Walter Cronkite.
Excuse me.
- I beg your pardon.
- What do you want?
I'm sorry, I was looking for Maude.
How about some ginger pie?
- Fine. Thank you.
- I'll heat some up.
My, Harold,
I'm glad to see you again.
Do you often model for Glaucus?
Heavens, no!
I don't have the time
but I like to keep in practice
and poor Glaucus occasionally
needs his memory refreshed
as to the contours
of the female form.
- Do you disapprove?
- Me? No, of course not.
Really? Do you think it's wrong?
No.
Heavens! I'm glad you said that.
I wanna show you my painting.
This is The Rape Of Rome.
Over in the corner
is Leda And The Swan,
self-portrait,
and over here is my favourite.
It's titled... Rainbow With
Egg Underneath And An Elephant.
- Do you like it?
- Yeah, very much.
I then became infatuated with these,
my odorifics.
Give the nose a treat!
A kind of a... olfactory banquet.
So, I began on the easiest -
roast beef, old books, mown grass
and Mexican farmyard.
Here's one you'll like,
Snowfall on 42nd Street.
I'll put it on.
Now, you hold onto this,
I'll pump it up.
Now, hold it up there. That's right.
What do you smell?
Subways?
Perfume?
Cigarettes!
- Snow.
- Sn...!
It goes on and on.
It's just great.
But... then I decided
to switch to the tactile.
- What do you think?
- I like this.
No, no, really get close
and reach in and feel.
There's my kettle.
Well... stroke...
palm... caress... explore.
Here we are.
Oat straw tea and ginger pie.
Excuse the mismatched saucers.
- This is a new experience for me.
- Wonderful!
Try something new each day. After
all, we're given life to find it out.
Doesn't last forever.
You look as if you could.
Did I tell you
I'll be 80 on Saturday?
You don't look 80.
That's the influence of the right
food, exercises and breathing.
Greet the dawn with a breath of fire.
There's no question,
my body's giving out.
I'm well into autumn. It's all gonna
be over after Saturday.
Tell me about yourself. What do you
do when you aren't at funerals?
Yes, there is definitely
a certain attraction.
I ask you though, Harold,
is it enough?
What do you mean?
I like to watch things grow.
They... grow and bloom and...
fade and die
and change into something else.
Life!
I should like to change
into a sunflower most of all.
They're so tall and simple.
What flower would you like to be?
I don't know.
- One of these maybe.
- Why do you say that?
- Because they're all alike.
- But they're not.
Look, see, some are smaller,
some are fatter.
Some grow to the left,
some to the right.
Some, even, have lost some petals.
All kinds of observable differences.
You see, Harold, I feel that
much of the world's sorrow
comes from people who are this...
yet, allow themselves
to be treated as that.
Power steering.
That little tree is in trouble.
Come on.
Look at it.
It's suffocating. It's the smog.
People can live with it but trees,
it gives them asthma.
They can't breathe.
The leaves! They're turning brown.
Harold, we have got to do something
about this life.
- What?
- We'll transplant it to the forest.
- You can't do that.
- Why not?
- This is public property.
- Well, exactly.
Well, we'll need tools.
You're right.
We'll go see Glaucus. Come on.
Wait a minute.
Police. Come.
Good afternoon, Officer.
A bit of trouble here?
Yes, ma'am.
Someone had trouble parking.
Tell me, that car over there,
is that parked all right?
Yes, ma'am, that's fine.
Thank you so much. You might turn
the radio off - saves the battery.
A little after-dinner liqueur,
Harold?
- Thank you, I don't drink.
- It's all right, it's organic.
- Thanks.
- It has no nutritional value
but consistency
is not really a human trait.
What is that up there?
That's my umbrella.
That's just a relic. I found it when
I was packing to come to America.
It used to be my defence
on picket lines and rallies
and political meetings,
being dragged off by the police
and attacked by thugs.
What were you fighting for?
Big issue.
Liberty, rights, justice.
Kings died, kingdoms fell.
I don't regret the kingdom.
What sense in borders
and nations and patriotism?
But I miss the kings.
When I was a little girl,
I was taken to the palace in Vienna
to a garden party.
I can still see the sun shining,
the parasols,
the flashing uniforms
of the young officers.
I thought then
that I would marry a soldier.
Later on,
Frederick would chide me about it.
He was so serious.
A doctor at the university...
and in the government.
But that was all before.
So...
you don't use the umbrella any more?
No more revolts?
Yes. Every day...
but... I don't need a defence
any more, I embrace.
Still fighting for the big issues
but now in my small, individual way.
Shall we have a song?
- I don't play...
- Come on, I'll show you.
No...
Harold, join in.
That was fun!
Let's play something together!
- I don't play anything.
- Nothing?!
Dear me! Everybody should be able
to make some music.
That's the cosmic dance.
Come with me.
There has to be something.
Now, let me see...
Hold onto this. What is this?
Just a second, there we are.
You take...
This is the one. Take that.
Just be impulsive, be fanciful.
Let the music flow out of you.
You gotta make some chords.
Put your finger
on the second fret there
and this one on the third.
Then this one here.
Harold dear.
There you are!
I have a little surprise for you.
It's a present.
Come along.
There!
Isn't it darling?
I had them take away that monstrous
thing of yours and send this.
So much more appropriate,
don't you think?
One thing more, Harold.
I telephoned
your second computer date
and she seems a very nice,
quiet girl.
Cute little thing, isn't it?
I like it very much.
Your licence, lady.
I don't have one.
I don't believe in them.
- How long you been driving, lady?
- About 45 minutes, I guess.
We were hoping to start sooner
but it's rather hard to find a truck.
Is this your truck?
No, I just took it.
- You took it?
- Yes, I have to plant my tree.
Well, it's not mine really
but we would like to get it
into soil as soon as possible.
Let me get this straight, you...
All right, then, we'll be off.
Nice chatting with you.
- He was very nice.
- Yeah.
- I think he's following us.
- Is he?!
The police,
always wanting to play games.
Ma'am!
Is the little tree all right?
Yeah, fine.
Terrific!
There.
I love the feel of soil, don't you?
And the smell.
It's the earth...
The earth is my body,
my head is in the stars.
Who said that?
I don't know.
I suppose I did.
Poor baby.
Isn't it wonderful?!
All around us, living things.
All right, out, lady.
- Come on.
- Hello. Have we met before?
None of that, lady. Out.
It must have been your brother.
There is a family resemblance.
Buddy, get out of the car.
Just stand over there, lady.
Get out, buster!
You're in a lot of trouble, lady.
I have you for several offences,
including...
possession of a stolen vehicle,
resisting arrest and possession
of a stolen tree. Where is it?
- We planted it.
- You planted it.
- Is this your shovel?
- No.
Possession of a stolen shovel.
Don't get officious.
You're not yourself when you are.
That's the curse of a government job.
Lady.
Are you gonna take
a lot of time with this?
- Lady, please. Just quiet, please.
- Cos if you are...
Grab the shovel, Harold.
Lady! Stop or I'll have to shoot.
I sure am picking up on vices.
Vice? Virtue?
It's best not to be too moral.
You cheat yourself out of
too much life. Aim above morality.
If you apply that to life,
then you're bound to live it fully.
I haven't lived.
I've died a few times.
What was that?
Well...
The first time
was when I was at boarding school,
in the chemistry lab.
I was in there cleaning it up so I
decided I'd do a little experiment.
You know, so I got all this stuff out
and began mixing it up,
it was very scientific!
There was this massive explosion.
It knocked me down,
blew out a huge hole in the floor.
There was boards and bricks
and flames leaping up.
I figured, you know... time to leave.
My career in school was over.
So... I went home.
My mother was a giving a party so
I went up the back stairs to my room.
Turned out the light and...
I got this funny feeling.
The doorbell rang.
I went out to the banister
and these two policemen came in,
found my mother... and... told her
that I was killed in the fire.
She put one hand up to her forehead,
the other one she reached out
as if groping for support,
and with this long sigh,
she collapsed in their arms.
I decided right then
that I enjoyed being dead.
I understand.
A lot of people enjoy being dead
but they're not dead really.
They're just backing away from life.
Reach out and take a chance,
get hurt even,
but play as well as you can.
Go team, go!
Gimme an L, gimme an I,
gimme a V, gimme an E.
L-l-V-E, live.
Otherwise you got nothing
to talk about in the locker room.
I like you, Maude.
I like you, Harold.
Harold is down at the garage.
He has a new car
and he's just been tuning it up.
- He's very mechanical.
- What kind of car is it?
It's a little Jaguar.
It looks like a hearse.
Very nice. You know, compact.
Edith, I'd like you to meet
my son Harold.
Harold, this is Edith...
- Phern.
- Phern. Very pleased to meet you.
I think you should go and wash up,
dear. Join us in the drawing room.
And what do you do, my dear?
I'm a file clerk,
Harrison Feed and Grain.
Well, what is it exactly that you do?
I'm in charge of all the invoices
for the southwest.
How interesting.
We supply, for example,
most of the egg farmers in Pataluma.
- So you can imagine...
- Yes.
Here's Harold now.
Don't get up, dear.
Edith has been talking about her job.
I'm a file clerk.
Henderson Feed and Grain.
Harrison, Harrison Feed and Grain.
It's at Hamilton and 4th.
I'm in charge of the invoices.
I type up the schedule
for the trucking fleet.
She supplies the whole southwest
with chicken feed.
Well, not exactly
the whole southwest,
although we do do a large business.
Barley was very big last week.
1,500...
bushels.
In view of your recent actions,
Harold,
you have left me with no recourse
but to listen to
your uncle's proposed solution.
Consequently, I have instructed him
to induct you into the service,
and for your own good,
to take up active duty
with the United States army.
And I hope they have more luck
with you than I.
Maude, they're gonna draft me.
Well, don't go.
They'll put me in jail.
Well, historically,
you'll be in very good company.
Maude, can you help me?
With your skill and my experience, I
think we can come up with something.
Look on me
as a father in this matter.
I know you have no desire
to join the army
but once you're in, you'll love it.
It's a great life.
Look at me - chauffeur, respect,
money in the bank.
It has its drawbacks
like anything else, I suppose,
but the army takes care of you
and you've got a buddy for life.
Good idea coming out here, Harold.
It's a lovely spot.
- Thank you, Uncle.
- Call me sir.
That's the first thing you learn.
An officer deserves your respect.
Yes, sir.
Let's examine the facts on it.
I say this country has been too harsh
on its outright condemnation of war.
You can point to the many
material advantages brought about
by a crisis and conflict policy.
Hell, World War II gave us
the ballpoint pen.
In wartime,
the national suicide rate drops.
Is that a fact? Now, why in hell
did we give up on the Germans?
Since the damn politicians
chalked them up on our side,
the wars ever since
have been a national disgrace.
Hell, look at history -
the two best wars we ever
fought were against the Jerries.
I say get the Krauts
on the other side where they belong.
Let's have an enemy worth killing
and a war this country can support.
That's pretty strong stuff, sir.
Well, Harold, I've always been a man
that speaks his piece.
Always hurt me.
I'm not liked in Washington.
I know that...
but I do have friends in high places.
They kept falling!
Joe falls back,
a neat, red hole in his head.
Only one thing
kept going through my mind.
Kill! Kill! For Joe and Mack
and all the rest of the guys.
Kill! And then there was
a blinding flash...
and I woke up on a stretcher.
"Did we hold?" I asked the medic.
"Yes, sir," he said...
and I slipped into unconsciousness.
Boy!
That's a terrific story, sir.
Well, you'll have stories like that
to tell of your own some day.
- Do you think so, sir?
- Sure you will.
Gee, I never dreamed
it could be that exciting.
It's the most exciting thing
in the world.
To pit your own life against another.
- Yes.
- To kill.
The taste of blood in your mouth.
The moment of truth.
- Another man's life in your sights!
- Yes!
- Will they really teach me to shoot?
- Sure. A range of weapons.
- To use a bayonet?
- Yes!
- How about hand-to-hand combat?
- Yes.
To strangle someone, choke 'em,
squeeze out his life
in your bare hands!
- You're getting carried away.
- To slit his throat...
- I don't know.
- See the blood spurt out.
- And souvenirs.
- Souvenirs?
Of your kill.
Eyes, ears, nose, scalp, privates.
What would be the chance
of getting one of these?
- To think I could make my own!
- That's disgusting.
- It certainly is.
- Madam, who are you?
- I am petitioning for peace.
- Parasite.
- I came here to speak.
- Crazy parasite. Commie bastard.
Don't you talk to me like that,
you foul-mouthed degenerate.
- Remember Nathan Hale.
- Calm down.
- She's a commie pig...
- Don't you advance on me!
You'll all end up like this.
- Just like this!
- Filth. Filth!
Give me that.
I'm gonna throw that in the sewer.
- Madam, please.
- She took my head.
- Calm down, Harold.
- She took my head!
I'll kill her! I'll kill her!
I'll kill her!
Give back the head,
let's have no trouble. Harold!
Madam!
Damn you!
You took my head! You cow!
- I'll kill you!
- Help!
I'll kill you. I'll kill you.
Harold, stop that.
What have you done?
Do you pray?
Pray? No, I communicate.
With God?
Life.
- This is real nice.
- Yeah.
- Makes me want to do somersaults.
- Why don't you?
I'd feel stupid.
Harold, everyone has the right
to make an ass out of themselves.
You can't let the world
judge you too much.
Do you care to join me
in a little cartwheel?
I feel more like yelling!
I had the most wonderful day today...
and... you're very beautiful.
You make me feel like a schoolgirl.
Shall I come and visit you tomorrow?
Oh, I can't.
I have a luncheon date...
with a girl.
I don't even know her.
My mother arranged it.
Look!
Dreyfus once wrote from
Devil's Island that he would see
the most glorious birds.
Many years later in Brittany, he
realised they had only been seagulls.
For me, they will
always be glorious birds.
I cannot emphasise too strongly
the importance of this meeting.
This is the last girl so this is
your third and final chance.
And please try to be serious, Harold.
If not for your sake,
at least for hers.
There she is.
Sunshine, I'd like you
to meet Harold.
Harold, this is Sunshine Dor.
How do... How do you do?
I can't complain.
Sunshine is an actress, Harold.
- I like to think so.
- Wonderful.
Why don't you two go down
to the music room
and I'll follow with some drinks.
Or perhaps Starlight
would like a cigarette.
- Sunshine!
- Yes, of course.
Sunshine.
Would you like a cigarette?
No, thank you. They stain my fingers.
Is Sunshine your real name?
Well, actually it was the name
of my drama teacher, Louis Sunshine.
Perhaps you've heard of him?
He was such an influence on
the development of my instrument.
That means my body in theatre talk.
Dor is my real name.
Well, Dore, actually.
Oh, my! What a lovely place
you have here.
Do you play?
No. I am learning the ban...
The harmonica.
Is this your father?
No. It's my Uncle Victor.
He's in the army. I do so like
the military, don't you?
What a wonderful collection
of knives. May I see them?
No, don't touch. They're very old.
Do you enjoy knives?
Oh, yes!
You might find this one interesting.
It's a Hara-Kiri blade.
What's Hara-Kiri?
That was marvellous!
It had the ring of truth.
I played Juliet
in the Sunshine Playhouse.
Louis thought it was
my best performance.
What's here?
A cup, closed in my true love's hand?
Poison, I see,
hath been his timeless end.
O, happy dagger.
O, happy dagger,
this is thy sheath,
there rest...
...and let me die...
I-I've...
That was your last date.
It wasn't very scary.
No. It had nothing on this afternoon.
Come on, you loved it.
It was a new experience.
You sure have a way with people.
Well, they're my species.
Look at these stars.
Here.
A gift!
"Harold loves Maude"
And Maude loves Harold.
This is the nicest present
that I've received in years.
So I'll always know where it is.
Could I speak with Fe, please?
Fe? Darling,
I know Ren will be furious but...
If he knew what I had to put up with
in the last few days.
- Mother.
- Not now, dear.
Could you put me down for Monday?
- I'd like to talk to you.
- I'm on the phone.
I'm getting married.
What did you say?
I'm getting married.
Hold the line, Fe.
To who?
I suppose you think this
is very funny, Harold. A sunflower.
You can't be serious.
Your mother has spoken to me
about your marriage plan
and although I have nothing
against marriage,
I don't think
this is quite... normal.
A very common neurosis,
particularly in this society,
whereby the male child subconsciously
wishes to sleep with his mother.
Of course, what puzzles me, Harold,
is that you want to sleep
with your grandmother.
I would be remiss in my duty...
if I did not tell you...
that the idea of...
intercourse...
and the fact of your firm, young...
body...
co-mingling...
with the...
withered flesh...
sagging...
breasts...
and...
flabby...
buttocks...
makes me want...
to vomit.
It's... dazzling.
You've thought of everything,
and champagne.
It's all right, it's organic.
For you.
And...
after dinner...
one more little surprise...
that I hope will make you very happy.
I am happy.
I couldn't imagine
a lovelier farewell.
Farewell?
Yes, it's my 80th birthday.
Well, you're not going anywhere...
are you?
Yes, dear.
I took the tablets an hour ago.
I'll be gone by midnight.
What?!
What a fuss this is. So unnecessary.
Don't die, Maude, for Christ's sake.
Don't upset yourself so.
I love you.
I love you.
Harold... that's wonderful.
Go and love some more.
Never. Never.