Harry Pattern and the Magic Pen (2023) Movie Script
This film is brought to you by the
Los Angeles CineFest Film Festival,
the Hollywood Screenings Film
Festival and the Oh Scares Award.
Have you ever wondered what happened to
Harry Pattern your favourite childhood Idol?
Yes that's me.
I played in a few other films like
Averages
A Hard Die remake.
Or John Wig.
Hollywood asked me to be in a reboot but
I'm old and audiences is need young
energetic actors to play the lead not a
bum like me.
Recently I lost my wand.
So I use anything I can find to create magic.
Well let's try this pen
I need to take a break from acting
for many years I followed each story
every single script and nobody asked me
"Hey Harry do you have any stories to tell?"
Nope no one asked me that
I didn't have a chance to tell my
stories to express what was in my mind.
So I started to write.
And I write a lot.
Jessie?
Hey, you must be Drew
You want sit down?
Thank you.
Lie.
At Graceland.
At Graceland I look like I was
the world's youngest elves fan oh
Cheers to that.
Cheers.
Hmm.
So Emerson said you go to a lot of
concerts who's your favourite band?
All time or like right now?
Right now. Maybe "Wolf pack"
I love them.
Yeah? I just I just saw them when I
was visiting friends in New York.
No way where?
Prospect Park
I was at that show.
What or the first or second night?
Uh...
it was it the one where the girl
ran up on stage and she changed.
Insecurity tackled her oh my God yes.
Yeah.
That was insane.
So we go and ring the doorbell her
parents let us in out of the pouring rain
and then my brother sees a picture on
the mantle with the little girl in it
No.
And he goes
that's her that's the girl we picked up
And then the wife the she starts sobbing
uncontrollably
the husband he the husband says she died
15 years ago
then he takes his hand and puts it on my shoulder
and he says this happens every year since
Oh my God.
On the day she died.
I have chills
look I feel like Goosebumps.
You feel cold?
Here let me hear my sweater
what what the shirt
laundry day my orgasm donor shirts in the wash.
So can I do this yet?
Definitely I had such a good time.
Same.
Do me to walk you to car?
Oh... I am okay thanks.
Jesse.
Oh my God.
Okay that's hilarious.
I told you it was in the wash
Oh...
I thought was gonna be late.
No it just got here.
I can't believe you're wearing the shirt.
I thing I love this shirt.
I don't want to go home yet I'm having such a good time.
Well I can eat I saw a dinner on the way over here you
want to follow me
take a lift
Today have hash browns or home fries
hash browns they look disgusting this
whole place looks disgusting and the
French toast is 19 dollars.
What?
Actually
I have eggs at my place
can I make you an omelette
I don't know
do you have home fries.
Drew?
Hey I'm in the kitchen cooking breakfast
can I borrow your shirt?
Yeah top drawer
Wieners.
Master.
Baiter.
Morning wood.
Oh my God.
I put the art in fart.
What the ffff...?
You found one?
Jesse?
I forgot everything at work I gotta go
Every single one
not even a plain white tea? I thought I
found one and then I unfolded it and
there were cartoon pubes drawn on the
bottom. That's pretty funny.
Thats not funny. It's insane.
Why don't you just ask him about it?
I panicked I just left.
Are you sure this isn't another
classic Jessie move where
you you know find the flaw in an
otherwise perfect guy? he had at least at
least four shirts with the word suck on them.
Okay I'm just saying you did dump a guy
once because he wore cufflinks? they're
strangely formal it's like wrist
hearings
didn't you say he was an ER doctor who
helped uninsured children? yeah and after
your first date you said you had never
felt so close to another person so
quickly.
You said that.
and
wolf pack
ugh... I know.
Wolf pack.
maybe you're right
just go talk to the guy
I'm glad you called.
I'm excited to finally be able to cook for you.
Can I talk to you about something?
Yeah what's up
With all these dirty joke shirts?
It's all you wear.
yeah they're hilarious
are they?
I don't know
I spend my day in Scrub's operating on
kids
sometimes I have to tell their parents
they didn't make it
it's a lot
so when I get a chance to wear some
street clothes I guess I like to have a
little fun with it
Oh..
that's actually so so sweet
I'm an asshole.
I'm glad we talked about this.
I'm glad you're here.
Bon appetite.
Uh...
I can't do this.
Each day seems to be the same I wake up
I drink some mushroom coffee and I go
for a walk
The only difference is that each day a
different dog barks at me
But I want to be remembered
as a good guy
hmm
I need to think about it
Meanwhile let's finish this story
Good evening do you have a reservation?
Hi uh... forgive me bad habits.
Don't worry happens so do you have reservation?
Yeah table
for two name should be under a Robinson
Robinson
ah Mr Robinson follow me great hope you'll
enjoy your meal with us? yeah thank you
um I needed this actually had a week
from hell. oh why what happened? well I
plunged through an exam this morning.
Congrats what do you study first year
philosophy..UFNo way, I think my parents let me apply to philosophy.
Yeah yeah my parents gave
me a lot of Brief too you just have to
commit to doing a fuck ton of readings
yeah they say it's a dead end for my
career but I guess they're right but
it's a passion exactly exactly that's
what I told my folks
So...
what brings you here nice hot Friday
night date?
Hot
um... I don't know about that just yet it's
a blind one
Oh...
Hi Gareth.
Hi uh... Stephanie?
That's me
great hi
Hi
Um... oh
Awesome.
Okay, great thank you.
So can I start you two off with anything
to drink?
I would like osahi... Just a
glass of water its fine, thank you.
so Gareth
yeah uh Stephanie tell me about yourself.
I study first year UFI oh great I go to UFT as well
uhuh...
um... philosophy
first year two uh
just like you
So Gareth
Water for you.
and osahi for Aristotle I'm actually
more of an Epicurus oh
Sorry what's the Language would you speaking?
Philosophy jinx
Can I order it please?
What will you be having?
I haven't decided yet
I'm ready I'll have the spicy tuna and
dragon rolls please
just the edamame and an avocado roll please
Vegetarian? Yes.
And no Wasabi either that comes on the
side
Great.
And no Ginger either
I'm not so spicy that also comes on the
side
hope you love birds enjoy your meal?
so Garrett yeah
um
I see you're a vegetarian
yes I care about living creatures and I
care about our ecosystem and I care
about the planets and ouch Gareth
I'm so sorry
what's the matter?
You're asking what's the matter?
That fish died for you is what's the
fucking matter
well fish are my friends but so is a
chicken
I'm sorry it was it was just a joke
Oh...
All you men have no fucking manners.
Hey I'm sorry it's it's just my ADHD
well then my OCD and view of today's
society just aren't compatible whether
we're sitting next to each other on a
bus or having a hot anal sex in my
apartment
Huh.
so last night not go too good? no it did
not go so good so well
corrected myself there I noticed you saw
right
yeah yeah
so is this round number two? yeah
so how is convincing your parents to let
you apply philosophy going? good news I
convinced them amazing you should apply
to U of T I plan to you know
we should celebrate sometime? yeah I'm
down
so is this guy
howdy you must be good. hi Alexandra?
Nice to meet you
so I take your orders sir?
I'll have the tempura shrimp and an
order of the teriyaki beef
Fine.
Of course Thanks girl.
So Gareth
Alexandra
I heard you study philosophy.
What got you hooked?
The
this might sound a little bit weird but
when I was in kindergarten I was
diagnosed with ADHD it's made me think
and feel differently from the other kids
in my grade this inspired me to sort of
figure out why the world made me this
way
one of the benefits of having ADHD other
than being really hyper is that you get
fixated on these things
small things I got fixed on reading
books different books about different
people's views on the world and it sort
of made me realise like Jim Morrison
would say that I was
thrown into the world this way which
made it my destiny to be a philosopher
what about you Alex?
what do you study? I'm sorry if I'm overwhelming you too
much no
um this kind of Energies
Hot.
I go to York for psych
I guess to why I chose a screw path
that's because you only needed to see in
high school to get in but I'm in a
sorority so that's kind of memories
You know what I'm saying?
Yeah cool
so
Have you decided on dinner yet by any
chance?
Oh yeah...
oh hi but you're gonna have to change
your order? hey
oh
got you there
um
I'll
happily change my order
Oh...
I came here for all right
all right
Oh Lets come... in this Laboratory...
Opss...
don't worry I don't fight
What?
What you want clock walker?
I am sorry we are closing.
Lets me swap.
I told you were...
so sorry
I'll leave you to be
oh hey sport do you uh do you have a
reservation?
Yeah a table for two
could be under Robinson
oh yes yes Mr Robinson come with me your
date's right over here great go get him
tiger
and uh have that big dick energy yeah
wow hi scary
Roxanne? Yeah. Thats me.
Hi nice to meet you
nice to meet you
um ops...
My chair is there.
Um...
oh thanks
so yeah tell me about yourself? I'd love
to
Sorry if I just cut you off with my ADHD
I actually have ADHD too. really? yeah oh
well this was meant to be I heard you
study psychology? philosophy yeah yes
I've actually recently gotten into human emotions,
Understanding certain types of people in general
How they feel, their likes,
their dislikes their wants
their goals, desires
I'm film major, York University
in the fine arts department
and I know what you're thinking life
choices but I feel like it's going to
help me in how I direct my actors as a
whole yeah cool
really? yeah thank you you're so sweet
you're sweet thank you thank you what's
your favourite movie? mom will be Mother
by Darren Aronofsky?
Sorry I yeah don't be I understand why
you wouldn't like Aronofsky's work
yeah I'm really sorry but um
I can't do this
do what?
Oh watch Requiem for a Dream
oh my God I'm so bad for dinner can you
just listen to me for a second?
I'm sorry for yelling I'm sorry for
making a mess I'm fine I am
I yell and I spill drinks all the
fucking time I just don't think this is
gonna work
you seem lovely but
so what's wrong? no no it's nothing that
you did it's totally completely me at
I'm really sorry
I hope you have a great
meal.
Hey.
Hey
no it's just stupid a flammable dildo?
Children are probably going to watch
this
noooo... I need to write something else
when you hear anorexic I know what you
think young girl teens maybe early 20s
definitely Rich parents that beg her to
eat dinner and when she won't they cry
and group hug and check her into a posh
rehab where she meets other Rich Young
equally dark and quirky people and they
do shit like goat yoga and Equine
Therapy all fucking day then she
Instagrams her thigh gap and hashtags it
with things like size double zero skinny
fat Anna Mia thinspo ugly and self-hate
maybe in a lifetime movie none of that's
me
Okay maybe the Instagram thing only when
I need reassurance but otherwise not me
your grateful narrator is definitely not
rich
in fact I'm super late on my rent right
now which is really pathetic because I
just live in a shitty room I found on
Craigslist in this house owned by a
creepy old dude who looks like he wants
to rape me or eat me with a glass of
Chianti
I know what you're thinking
she doesn't look anorexic she's way too
fucking fat
well I'm in recovery asshole so how
about a little support
but I am a starving artist ah pun
intended
so it's totally acceptable to be poor
and spottily employed at 24 25.
Okay 26 to 36 it's probably a good thing
I've had to struggle so much you know it
makes me a richer actor builds character
it's going to happen for me soon though
I know it
I'm a very positive optimistic person
and I'm not one of those actresses who's
never done anything
I was just on three episodes of a
relatively successful web series
it sucks because I'm five foot eight and
a quarter so my weight never sounds
skinny no matter what my best weight was
106 which was really an accomplishment
but unfortunately it doesn't sound very
dramatic everybody flipped when the
Olsen twins got down to like 80 pounds
but they're wet maybe five feet tall and
it's five pounds for every inch so
comparatively I'd be equivalent to their
80 pound alleged skinniness at 120
pounds so unfair why am I weighing
myself if I'm supposed to be in recovery
of course I weigh myself every day how
else are you supposed to know how you're
going to feel about yourself that day
totally kidding I know my value is not a
number on the scale blah blah
mother fucking blah
so anyway not to worry your big boned
narrator has got her shit together
oh that's Mandy she wanted to walk with
me today
should I wait?
Oh she'll catch up. So Mandy and our
other friend Shelly and me were all best
friends in high school but they were the
popular cheerleaders National Honor
Society life at the parties I was the
third wheel who always got a little too
drunk at the parties and everything that
came with that
they were supposed to have peaked in
high school I believed those after
school specials that told me things
would get better after high school when
I could be my real self
but everything keeps working out for
them
Fuck. Maybe I'm the one who peaked in
high school nope nope no more feeling
sorry for myself I promise
oh I already ate
Lizzy you look great which obviously
means I look fat I guess I don't really
worry about it anymore
380 maybe 400 calories in a slice
200 for half wine 140 calories of glass
there's vodka in my room 65 calories a shot
You are so lucky to be single
you don't have someone checking on you
every five minutes yeah renting a room
from creepy Chianti Craigslist's guys way better.
So. Have you gotten a job yet?
I know you're still doing the acting thing
but I mean like a job job
I'm sorry did I order judgment on my pizza?
Yeah I have a lot of leads
tell me about you
what's it like being a mom just get past
the pizza be stronger than the pizza
another glass of wine is better it's in
vodka if I need it
not gonna lie
but it is just
so 400 plus one of the most amazing 270
or 280 plus BMR of about 13.50 so 2150
burned so
um have you been on Instagram today?
No.
Why?
Okay
I'm gonna tell you something but I don't
want you to go on one of your downward
spirals
then maybe you shouldn't say it like
that
Shelley booked a series regular on TV.
No fucking way. Wow.
you both have been doing this a really
long time so you know how hard that is
or that entitled lucky ass bitch can go fuck herself.
Of course of course
of course doesn't that give you some
sort of Hope
you guys have the same agent right
Yes we have the same fucking agent.
Why would he get Shelly that audition
and not me?
She's not fucking cankles
he probably wants to fuck her
or he wants to fuck with my head
of course he's still mad at
me from what
I know showed that one audition that was
totally not my fault
he's a psychological ninja gaslighting
narcissistic motherfucker. Elizabeth
you're bloated struggling narrator is
sick of everybody emotionally
waterboarding her
You might think I'm crazy for riding
alone at 2:30 in the morning but I'm not
what else am I supposed to do
I'm not one of those people that says
I'll start tomorrow
that's how 70 percent of Americans got
to be overweight or obese
I know I'm not worried about anybody
attacking me or anything I'm so fat and
gross right now nobody's gonna try to
rape me
right now you're probably thinking I
look like a hopeless whiny pitiful mess
maybe you can't stand me right now maybe
you're like can she fucking shut up.
I get it
I completely fucking agree
you're worthless fat ass narrator knows
exactly how shitty of a person she is
You know how some time you
have one bite and you just can't stop
I guess that's kind of what happened
last night
but don't worry you're self-deprecating
narrator has got it totally under
control
I just need to outrun my fuck up just
not eat today then I will be healthy and
optimistic and positive and shit.
I will
I'll I'll start tomorrow
Yeah...
Lord Voldemort on the toilet that could work
but how am I going to hide his nose?
Also he needs to be shaved
anyway
Uh...
that was something
I didn't know I could write so many
stories in less than an hour it has the
potential to be a nice
pattern the brain not only receives
information but also interprets and
patterns it I can tell I'm pleased with
myself
oh shit. I knew I should have drunk five
mushroom coffees in her own time will
not slow down when something unpleasant
lies at the bottom of your stomach.
I'll finish the other characters some other time.
Los Angeles CineFest Film Festival,
the Hollywood Screenings Film
Festival and the Oh Scares Award.
Have you ever wondered what happened to
Harry Pattern your favourite childhood Idol?
Yes that's me.
I played in a few other films like
Averages
A Hard Die remake.
Or John Wig.
Hollywood asked me to be in a reboot but
I'm old and audiences is need young
energetic actors to play the lead not a
bum like me.
Recently I lost my wand.
So I use anything I can find to create magic.
Well let's try this pen
I need to take a break from acting
for many years I followed each story
every single script and nobody asked me
"Hey Harry do you have any stories to tell?"
Nope no one asked me that
I didn't have a chance to tell my
stories to express what was in my mind.
So I started to write.
And I write a lot.
Jessie?
Hey, you must be Drew
You want sit down?
Thank you.
Lie.
At Graceland.
At Graceland I look like I was
the world's youngest elves fan oh
Cheers to that.
Cheers.
Hmm.
So Emerson said you go to a lot of
concerts who's your favourite band?
All time or like right now?
Right now. Maybe "Wolf pack"
I love them.
Yeah? I just I just saw them when I
was visiting friends in New York.
No way where?
Prospect Park
I was at that show.
What or the first or second night?
Uh...
it was it the one where the girl
ran up on stage and she changed.
Insecurity tackled her oh my God yes.
Yeah.
That was insane.
So we go and ring the doorbell her
parents let us in out of the pouring rain
and then my brother sees a picture on
the mantle with the little girl in it
No.
And he goes
that's her that's the girl we picked up
And then the wife the she starts sobbing
uncontrollably
the husband he the husband says she died
15 years ago
then he takes his hand and puts it on my shoulder
and he says this happens every year since
Oh my God.
On the day she died.
I have chills
look I feel like Goosebumps.
You feel cold?
Here let me hear my sweater
what what the shirt
laundry day my orgasm donor shirts in the wash.
So can I do this yet?
Definitely I had such a good time.
Same.
Do me to walk you to car?
Oh... I am okay thanks.
Jesse.
Oh my God.
Okay that's hilarious.
I told you it was in the wash
Oh...
I thought was gonna be late.
No it just got here.
I can't believe you're wearing the shirt.
I thing I love this shirt.
I don't want to go home yet I'm having such a good time.
Well I can eat I saw a dinner on the way over here you
want to follow me
take a lift
Today have hash browns or home fries
hash browns they look disgusting this
whole place looks disgusting and the
French toast is 19 dollars.
What?
Actually
I have eggs at my place
can I make you an omelette
I don't know
do you have home fries.
Drew?
Hey I'm in the kitchen cooking breakfast
can I borrow your shirt?
Yeah top drawer
Wieners.
Master.
Baiter.
Morning wood.
Oh my God.
I put the art in fart.
What the ffff...?
You found one?
Jesse?
I forgot everything at work I gotta go
Every single one
not even a plain white tea? I thought I
found one and then I unfolded it and
there were cartoon pubes drawn on the
bottom. That's pretty funny.
Thats not funny. It's insane.
Why don't you just ask him about it?
I panicked I just left.
Are you sure this isn't another
classic Jessie move where
you you know find the flaw in an
otherwise perfect guy? he had at least at
least four shirts with the word suck on them.
Okay I'm just saying you did dump a guy
once because he wore cufflinks? they're
strangely formal it's like wrist
hearings
didn't you say he was an ER doctor who
helped uninsured children? yeah and after
your first date you said you had never
felt so close to another person so
quickly.
You said that.
and
wolf pack
ugh... I know.
Wolf pack.
maybe you're right
just go talk to the guy
I'm glad you called.
I'm excited to finally be able to cook for you.
Can I talk to you about something?
Yeah what's up
With all these dirty joke shirts?
It's all you wear.
yeah they're hilarious
are they?
I don't know
I spend my day in Scrub's operating on
kids
sometimes I have to tell their parents
they didn't make it
it's a lot
so when I get a chance to wear some
street clothes I guess I like to have a
little fun with it
Oh..
that's actually so so sweet
I'm an asshole.
I'm glad we talked about this.
I'm glad you're here.
Bon appetite.
Uh...
I can't do this.
Each day seems to be the same I wake up
I drink some mushroom coffee and I go
for a walk
The only difference is that each day a
different dog barks at me
But I want to be remembered
as a good guy
hmm
I need to think about it
Meanwhile let's finish this story
Good evening do you have a reservation?
Hi uh... forgive me bad habits.
Don't worry happens so do you have reservation?
Yeah table
for two name should be under a Robinson
Robinson
ah Mr Robinson follow me great hope you'll
enjoy your meal with us? yeah thank you
um I needed this actually had a week
from hell. oh why what happened? well I
plunged through an exam this morning.
Congrats what do you study first year
philosophy..UFNo way, I think my parents let me apply to philosophy.
Yeah yeah my parents gave
me a lot of Brief too you just have to
commit to doing a fuck ton of readings
yeah they say it's a dead end for my
career but I guess they're right but
it's a passion exactly exactly that's
what I told my folks
So...
what brings you here nice hot Friday
night date?
Hot
um... I don't know about that just yet it's
a blind one
Oh...
Hi Gareth.
Hi uh... Stephanie?
That's me
great hi
Hi
Um... oh
Awesome.
Okay, great thank you.
So can I start you two off with anything
to drink?
I would like osahi... Just a
glass of water its fine, thank you.
so Gareth
yeah uh Stephanie tell me about yourself.
I study first year UFI oh great I go to UFT as well
uhuh...
um... philosophy
first year two uh
just like you
So Gareth
Water for you.
and osahi for Aristotle I'm actually
more of an Epicurus oh
Sorry what's the Language would you speaking?
Philosophy jinx
Can I order it please?
What will you be having?
I haven't decided yet
I'm ready I'll have the spicy tuna and
dragon rolls please
just the edamame and an avocado roll please
Vegetarian? Yes.
And no Wasabi either that comes on the
side
Great.
And no Ginger either
I'm not so spicy that also comes on the
side
hope you love birds enjoy your meal?
so Garrett yeah
um
I see you're a vegetarian
yes I care about living creatures and I
care about our ecosystem and I care
about the planets and ouch Gareth
I'm so sorry
what's the matter?
You're asking what's the matter?
That fish died for you is what's the
fucking matter
well fish are my friends but so is a
chicken
I'm sorry it was it was just a joke
Oh...
All you men have no fucking manners.
Hey I'm sorry it's it's just my ADHD
well then my OCD and view of today's
society just aren't compatible whether
we're sitting next to each other on a
bus or having a hot anal sex in my
apartment
Huh.
so last night not go too good? no it did
not go so good so well
corrected myself there I noticed you saw
right
yeah yeah
so is this round number two? yeah
so how is convincing your parents to let
you apply philosophy going? good news I
convinced them amazing you should apply
to U of T I plan to you know
we should celebrate sometime? yeah I'm
down
so is this guy
howdy you must be good. hi Alexandra?
Nice to meet you
so I take your orders sir?
I'll have the tempura shrimp and an
order of the teriyaki beef
Fine.
Of course Thanks girl.
So Gareth
Alexandra
I heard you study philosophy.
What got you hooked?
The
this might sound a little bit weird but
when I was in kindergarten I was
diagnosed with ADHD it's made me think
and feel differently from the other kids
in my grade this inspired me to sort of
figure out why the world made me this
way
one of the benefits of having ADHD other
than being really hyper is that you get
fixated on these things
small things I got fixed on reading
books different books about different
people's views on the world and it sort
of made me realise like Jim Morrison
would say that I was
thrown into the world this way which
made it my destiny to be a philosopher
what about you Alex?
what do you study? I'm sorry if I'm overwhelming you too
much no
um this kind of Energies
Hot.
I go to York for psych
I guess to why I chose a screw path
that's because you only needed to see in
high school to get in but I'm in a
sorority so that's kind of memories
You know what I'm saying?
Yeah cool
so
Have you decided on dinner yet by any
chance?
Oh yeah...
oh hi but you're gonna have to change
your order? hey
oh
got you there
um
I'll
happily change my order
Oh...
I came here for all right
all right
Oh Lets come... in this Laboratory...
Opss...
don't worry I don't fight
What?
What you want clock walker?
I am sorry we are closing.
Lets me swap.
I told you were...
so sorry
I'll leave you to be
oh hey sport do you uh do you have a
reservation?
Yeah a table for two
could be under Robinson
oh yes yes Mr Robinson come with me your
date's right over here great go get him
tiger
and uh have that big dick energy yeah
wow hi scary
Roxanne? Yeah. Thats me.
Hi nice to meet you
nice to meet you
um ops...
My chair is there.
Um...
oh thanks
so yeah tell me about yourself? I'd love
to
Sorry if I just cut you off with my ADHD
I actually have ADHD too. really? yeah oh
well this was meant to be I heard you
study psychology? philosophy yeah yes
I've actually recently gotten into human emotions,
Understanding certain types of people in general
How they feel, their likes,
their dislikes their wants
their goals, desires
I'm film major, York University
in the fine arts department
and I know what you're thinking life
choices but I feel like it's going to
help me in how I direct my actors as a
whole yeah cool
really? yeah thank you you're so sweet
you're sweet thank you thank you what's
your favourite movie? mom will be Mother
by Darren Aronofsky?
Sorry I yeah don't be I understand why
you wouldn't like Aronofsky's work
yeah I'm really sorry but um
I can't do this
do what?
Oh watch Requiem for a Dream
oh my God I'm so bad for dinner can you
just listen to me for a second?
I'm sorry for yelling I'm sorry for
making a mess I'm fine I am
I yell and I spill drinks all the
fucking time I just don't think this is
gonna work
you seem lovely but
so what's wrong? no no it's nothing that
you did it's totally completely me at
I'm really sorry
I hope you have a great
meal.
Hey.
Hey
no it's just stupid a flammable dildo?
Children are probably going to watch
this
noooo... I need to write something else
when you hear anorexic I know what you
think young girl teens maybe early 20s
definitely Rich parents that beg her to
eat dinner and when she won't they cry
and group hug and check her into a posh
rehab where she meets other Rich Young
equally dark and quirky people and they
do shit like goat yoga and Equine
Therapy all fucking day then she
Instagrams her thigh gap and hashtags it
with things like size double zero skinny
fat Anna Mia thinspo ugly and self-hate
maybe in a lifetime movie none of that's
me
Okay maybe the Instagram thing only when
I need reassurance but otherwise not me
your grateful narrator is definitely not
rich
in fact I'm super late on my rent right
now which is really pathetic because I
just live in a shitty room I found on
Craigslist in this house owned by a
creepy old dude who looks like he wants
to rape me or eat me with a glass of
Chianti
I know what you're thinking
she doesn't look anorexic she's way too
fucking fat
well I'm in recovery asshole so how
about a little support
but I am a starving artist ah pun
intended
so it's totally acceptable to be poor
and spottily employed at 24 25.
Okay 26 to 36 it's probably a good thing
I've had to struggle so much you know it
makes me a richer actor builds character
it's going to happen for me soon though
I know it
I'm a very positive optimistic person
and I'm not one of those actresses who's
never done anything
I was just on three episodes of a
relatively successful web series
it sucks because I'm five foot eight and
a quarter so my weight never sounds
skinny no matter what my best weight was
106 which was really an accomplishment
but unfortunately it doesn't sound very
dramatic everybody flipped when the
Olsen twins got down to like 80 pounds
but they're wet maybe five feet tall and
it's five pounds for every inch so
comparatively I'd be equivalent to their
80 pound alleged skinniness at 120
pounds so unfair why am I weighing
myself if I'm supposed to be in recovery
of course I weigh myself every day how
else are you supposed to know how you're
going to feel about yourself that day
totally kidding I know my value is not a
number on the scale blah blah
mother fucking blah
so anyway not to worry your big boned
narrator has got her shit together
oh that's Mandy she wanted to walk with
me today
should I wait?
Oh she'll catch up. So Mandy and our
other friend Shelly and me were all best
friends in high school but they were the
popular cheerleaders National Honor
Society life at the parties I was the
third wheel who always got a little too
drunk at the parties and everything that
came with that
they were supposed to have peaked in
high school I believed those after
school specials that told me things
would get better after high school when
I could be my real self
but everything keeps working out for
them
Fuck. Maybe I'm the one who peaked in
high school nope nope no more feeling
sorry for myself I promise
oh I already ate
Lizzy you look great which obviously
means I look fat I guess I don't really
worry about it anymore
380 maybe 400 calories in a slice
200 for half wine 140 calories of glass
there's vodka in my room 65 calories a shot
You are so lucky to be single
you don't have someone checking on you
every five minutes yeah renting a room
from creepy Chianti Craigslist's guys way better.
So. Have you gotten a job yet?
I know you're still doing the acting thing
but I mean like a job job
I'm sorry did I order judgment on my pizza?
Yeah I have a lot of leads
tell me about you
what's it like being a mom just get past
the pizza be stronger than the pizza
another glass of wine is better it's in
vodka if I need it
not gonna lie
but it is just
so 400 plus one of the most amazing 270
or 280 plus BMR of about 13.50 so 2150
burned so
um have you been on Instagram today?
No.
Why?
Okay
I'm gonna tell you something but I don't
want you to go on one of your downward
spirals
then maybe you shouldn't say it like
that
Shelley booked a series regular on TV.
No fucking way. Wow.
you both have been doing this a really
long time so you know how hard that is
or that entitled lucky ass bitch can go fuck herself.
Of course of course
of course doesn't that give you some
sort of Hope
you guys have the same agent right
Yes we have the same fucking agent.
Why would he get Shelly that audition
and not me?
She's not fucking cankles
he probably wants to fuck her
or he wants to fuck with my head
of course he's still mad at
me from what
I know showed that one audition that was
totally not my fault
he's a psychological ninja gaslighting
narcissistic motherfucker. Elizabeth
you're bloated struggling narrator is
sick of everybody emotionally
waterboarding her
You might think I'm crazy for riding
alone at 2:30 in the morning but I'm not
what else am I supposed to do
I'm not one of those people that says
I'll start tomorrow
that's how 70 percent of Americans got
to be overweight or obese
I know I'm not worried about anybody
attacking me or anything I'm so fat and
gross right now nobody's gonna try to
rape me
right now you're probably thinking I
look like a hopeless whiny pitiful mess
maybe you can't stand me right now maybe
you're like can she fucking shut up.
I get it
I completely fucking agree
you're worthless fat ass narrator knows
exactly how shitty of a person she is
You know how some time you
have one bite and you just can't stop
I guess that's kind of what happened
last night
but don't worry you're self-deprecating
narrator has got it totally under
control
I just need to outrun my fuck up just
not eat today then I will be healthy and
optimistic and positive and shit.
I will
I'll I'll start tomorrow
Yeah...
Lord Voldemort on the toilet that could work
but how am I going to hide his nose?
Also he needs to be shaved
anyway
Uh...
that was something
I didn't know I could write so many
stories in less than an hour it has the
potential to be a nice
pattern the brain not only receives
information but also interprets and
patterns it I can tell I'm pleased with
myself
oh shit. I knew I should have drunk five
mushroom coffees in her own time will
not slow down when something unpleasant
lies at the bottom of your stomach.
I'll finish the other characters some other time.