Hot Lead and Cold Feet (1978) Movie Script

% % May the best man win% %
% % Way out West, a rich, old man
had two such different sons% %
% % Eli spoke with Bible raised,
and Billy spoke with guns% %
% % Daddy Bloodshy left a will,
and Eli said, "Thats fair"% %
% % But Billy said,
"No, lets fight it out% %
% % So I can get your share"% %
% % May the best man win% %
% % The mayor said,
"Folks, lets work it out% %
% % by setting up a race"% %
% % And everyone said,
"Poor preacher man% %
% % Hell fall right
on his face"% %
% % Eli was a city boy,
and Billy knew the land% %
% % "Please dont go, "
the schoolmarms begged% %
% % But Eli took a stand% %
% % May the best man win% %
% % When they meet% %
% % Itll be like hot lead
and cold feet% %
% % When they meet% %
% % Itll be like hot lead
and cold feet on that street% %
% % Itll be like hot lead
and cold feet% %
% % Hot lead and cold feet,
hot lead and cold feet% %
% % May the best man win% %
% % Daddy Bloodshy left a will,
and Eli said, "Thats fair"% %
% % But Billy said,
"No, lets fight it out% %
% % So I can get your share"% %
% % May the best man win% %
% % When they meet% %
% % Itll be like hot lead
and cold feet% %
% % When they meet% %
% % Itll be like hot lead
and cold feet on that street% %
% % Itll be like hot lead
and cold feet% %
% % Hot lead and cold feet,
hot lead and cold feet% %
% % Hot lead and cold feet% %
% % Hot lead and cold fe-e-e-et% %
[Wind howling]
No man should
have to face mornin'
or old man Bloodshy sober.
That's a good idea.
Why don't you wait here,
and I'll go and get us a drink?
It'd been better if I'd thought
of it five minutes ago.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Whoa, there.
We are here, sir.
Here, I'll give you a hand.
You do,
and you'll get my foot,
you jailhouse jellyfish.
Mind the wind, sir.
And mind your business,
[Howling continues]
Great glory.
Take a look at that sight,
will ya?
Bloodshy territory
as far as the eye can see.
The doctors
are quite concerned.
How much time does he have?
According to the doctors,
if he doesn't take care
of himself, it will be soon.
How much time if he does
take care of himself?
They give me
at least two days.
And that's why we're here.
To get a last look at what
I'm leaving to my heirs.
The land, the town, the money.
When you say "heirs,"
you do mean your son
Wild Billy, don't ya?
When I say "heirs,"
I mean just that.
I found my other boy.
Many years ago,
I grew a might too wild
for my bride's
highfalutin ways.
So one day, she up
and ran off back to England,
taking half my sons.
You mean you got two boys?
Traced him to Philadelphia.
This town needs another
Wild Billy
like it needs an earthquake.
You eat them words afore I pound
your face into a flapjack.
We better write a new will
so everything's fair.
You can stick your quill
back in the goose.
I already writ out my will.
And you ain't gettin' it
until I'm ready to go.
But a new will?
Mansfield, what do you know
about this?
Absolutely nothing, sir.
I never heard of it.
What are we gonna do?
Will you wait a minute
while I think about this?
There's gotta be an answer.
- Bloodshy!
- Bloodshy!
[British accent]
2, 3, 4.
[Upbeat music plays]
% % Oh, something good
is bound to happen% %
% % When love is in your heart% %
% % For love and human kindness% %
% % Is where good things
always start% %
% % Theres goodness
in your neighbors% %
% % Theres goodness
close at hand% %
% % Oh, lets spread love
and goodness% %
% % Over all this blessed land% %
% % Blessed land% %
% % Over all this blessed land% %
% % Something good
is bound to happen% %
% % When love is in your heart% %
% % For love and human kindness% %
% % Is where good things
always start% %
% % Theres goodness
in your neighbors% %
% % Theres goodness
close at hand% %
% % Oh, lets spread love
and goodness% %
Stop that racket!
Let's get outta here!
These vegetables
tell me something.
- We've got their attention.
- Get outta here!
Those guys over on 10th Street
were listening a lot better.
They were throwing rocks.
Eli, is that you?
Oh, Father Joshua.
I'm sorry to bother you
during your work,
but I have a very important
letter for you.
It's marked "special delivery"
and "urgent. "
And look at that postmark.
Arizona territory.
That's way out West.
That's curious.
Good shot, Harry.
I didn't know my father.
I didn't even know
I had a father.
Now I've found and lost him
all in one letter.
I guess you're an orphan,
Brother Eli, like us.
At least he's a rich one.
Only when we are giving,
Brother Marcus.
Of course, that's what
you meant to say.
Oh, sure.
How rich are you gonna be?
Well, it appears that there
is a considerable inheritance.
It mentions land
and there is a town,
and it says, "A considerable
amount of money. "
Ha ha ha.
Imagine the good work we could
do with that kind of wealth.
I guess you'll be out there
a long time.
Just long enough
to claim my inheritance,
and then we'll be back.
You mean
we're going with you?
Brother Demetrius says
it might help your education.
Out with the cowboys and
the guns and the shoot-outs!
No, Brother Marcus,
not in my father's town, no.
Remember, whosoever seeks
peace and love shall find it.
If you have more dreaming to do,
do it with your eyes shut.
We've got a long journey
tomorrow. God bless.
- God bless.
- God bless.
ALL: 1, 2!
You have a go at me now, Sam.
Oh, thank you, Billy.
Thank you.
Hold it!
Easy, Billy.
We know you're grievin'.
- We ain't lookin' for trouble.
- Well, you found it.
Next time,
it won't be your hardware.
It'll be your head.
Aw, quit shakin', Doc!
You made me miss.
I'm sorry, Billy.
I'm sorry.
Set 'em up again, Red Dog.
What's up, Ragsdale?
I'd like a little privacy.
You, come inside.
Wonder what he's gonna do when
he finds out he's got a brother.
Don't worry about a brother
that ain't gonna show up.
How's that?
Boys, you got a job to do.
[Cows mooing]
ROXANNE: Marcus, look.
Something's coming.
It's a stagecoach.
The kind that gets held up.
I hope not.
Don't worry.
That's why the armory
is riding shotgun.
Eli, the stagecoach is here!
Yah! Yah! Go on!
Get goin', now!
Yah! Yah! Hah!
Come on, now!
Hey, you, there.
Shake a leg.
We ain't got all day, you...
You can take as long
as you want, Billy.
Just say the word,
and you got all day.
I beg your pardon?
You ain't gonna get
a quarrel outta us.
He dropped his gun.
Does this stagecoach
go to Bloodshy, please?
You bet your sweet life
it does.
Anyplace you say.
Bloodshy, Carson City,
You name it,
and that's where we're goin'.
We got nothin' but time.
There ain't no passengers
to bother ya.
I'd be obliged if you could
store that for me, please.
Thank you.
And that one.
I'll be back in a jiffy.
You just take your time.
Wild Billy's talkin'
peculiar, ain't he?
Probably liquored up
from grievin'.
Should we make a run for it?
I don't know.
He probably got 'em hid
under that coat.
Right, driver.
We're all in now.
Yes, sir.
[Whistles] Ho!
Let's go!
Yah! Yah!
Come on, now!
People sure seem polite
around here.
They even call you
by your first name.
Even if it's the wrong one.
I've noticed.
"Billy. "
I wonder why.
Hah hah! Come on, there!
Hah! Get along, there!
Go on, now!
Get along! Hah!
Hey, get outta there!
Ho! Ho!
Ho, there!
Ho, there!
Hey, you, there!
Get that thing
outta the way!
But first we got
a little business.
We ain't carryin' gold.
No, but you got
a passenger we want.
- You want him?
- Good luck.
I had a feelin'
we might need this.
You! Inside!
Come on out!
We got a surprise for ya!
What's he doin' out here?!
Heh. You kinda
took us by surprise.
Another one of your jokes,
Billy? Ha ha ha!
[Forced laughter]
Guess this one's on us.
We come all the way out here
and find out it's you.
I don't know who you are
or who you think I am.
But I do know
you shouldn't point that.
It's liable to go off
and hurt somebody.
MARCUS: Get down!
- Run for it!
- Out of my way!
Move it!
Let's go in the hills!
Why, he's crazy!
Let's get outta here!
That was awful!
Did I tell ya?
Our first day in the West,
and we've already been held up.
We better take
this thing with us.
We don't want it to fall
into the wrong hands.
I'm so tired,
I can hardly walk.
Don't worry. When we go through
the Badlands, you'll be running.
We don't run, we walk.
Head high, Brother Marcus.
By holding good thoughts and
relying on the power within us,
our burden shall be lifted.
Do you remember that prophet
of old, Elijah?
A man of righteousness
and goodness.
He was sent
to his final victory,
his eternal destination,
in a fiery chariot.
Whoa! Whoa there!
Whoa! Whoa, boy!
Whoa! Whoa, there!
Look out!
Are you all right?
Yes. These critters seem
to have a mind of their own.
What are you doing
in the middle of the road?
We were just walking along.
Are you gonna stand there
babbling or help me?
We'll help.
Give the lady a hand.
The fiery chariot.
I imagine
you could use a lift.
Thank you.
Where are you going?
As far as Bloodshy.
So are we.
First the fiery chariot,
and now she's taking us
to Bloodshy.
See? You don't have to run
if you listen to Brother Eli.
Thank you.
Hey, I'm Jenny Willingham.
Are you a dance-hall girl?
No, I'm a schoolteacher.
How do you do?
I'm Eli Bloodshy.
We're missionaries.
That's Roxanne,
and this is Marcus.
- Bloodshy, huh?
- It was my father's town.
He passed away, but I'm going
to collect my inheritance.
Now, am I just gonna
stand here or get that lift?
"Put me down," I said!
Put me down!
Oh, Mansbridge.
Field, sir.
Oh, yeah.
What can I do for you,
It's Mansfield, sir.
Oh, yeah.
Well, them English names
are all Greek to me.
You wanna watch it there?
I'll turn your overnight stay
into a life sentence.
You gotta keep your eye on 'em
so they don't fly the coop.
We had a little fire in here
thanks to Mr. Wild Billy.
One of these days, I'm gonna
put the cuffs on him for good.
If you don't mind, sir,
I'm looking
for Mayor Ragsdale.
Mr. Bloodshy's will.
Well, if it has to do with law,
you came to the right place.
It's to be administered
by the mayor.
Leave it to me, Mainstream.
[Clears throat]
Now, you remember
you're on your honor!
"I, Jasper Bloodshy,
last will and testament,
my entire inheritance... "
It's a contest.
It is?
No, it isn't.
It isn't?
Not when the other contestant
can't make it.
Why can't he make it?
Because the poor sucker's
on his way...
Sheriff, don't you have
anything better to do?
No, not now.
Go out and find Wild Billy.
Wild Billy?
Tell him it's official.
He's rich.
Wild Billy?
It's good news, Sheriff.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Good news.
Then maybe he won't
want a shoot-out.
I'll tell him.
Very rich.
Isn't it beautiful, children?
All you can see for miles.
MARCUS: Look at that.
ELI: Bloodshy.
It's my name etched in wood.
So, where will you
be staying?
How about the saloon?
Children can't stay
at a saloon.
Why not? We're used to
places like that.
And there's a lot
of souls to save there.
I've made arrangements
at a boardinghouse.
I'm sure
they'll have room for you.
- Thank you very much.
- A boardinghouse?
That's not where all
the shooting and fighting is.
99.9% of all towns in the West
are peaceful little villages
where nothing ever happens.
Get all that other stuff
out of your head, hmm?
[Gunfire, explosions]
I think we're here.
I don't believe it.
Oh, uh, sorry.
Mr. Bloodshy,
are you all right?
I think so, yes.
Step aside!
Why, you...
Stop, thief!
Get that varmint!
- Where is he?!
- I didn't see him.
There he goes.
Get down!
Get down!
You sidewinder!
Gentlemen! Gentlemen!
Just a minute!
Just a minute!
Do you mind?
Thank you.
This is no way
to solve a problem.
If a man is guilty
of a crime,
he should be judged
in a court of law,
not by mob rule and violence.
[All muttering in agreement]
- Yeah, sure.
- Whatever you say.
Just because
these men are mean,
it doesn't mean
they won't listen to reason.
Now, can you tell me
where the sheriff is?
I've got something for him.
There he goes again!
He's gone crazy!
Outta my way!
Maybe we'll find him
in the saloon.
No, not we.
You're off to the boardinghouse
with Miss Willingham.
- Aw, Eli.
- Jenny.
you two could use a nap.
Good idea.
Eli, we're too old
to take a nap!
Give us a break!
[Piano music plays]
Get up here!
Yeah, me and Wild Billy
are just like that.
Leastways, we're gonna be.
I got some news
that's gonna keep him in booze,
babes, and...
- Billy, don't shoot!
- Pardon?
I got good news!
We got the will.
I seen it myself
in black and white.
I cross my heart
and hope to die.
Oh, Billy, no.
Let's just check
that cannon, okay?
Thank you very much.
One of man's
most destructive weapons.
What are you doin'
in that crazy suit?
That's all right.
You can wear what you want.
You can do what you want.
You own the town,
the land, the money,
the land as far
as the eye can see.
You're rich, Billy!
It's almost too good
to be true.
I thought that'd soften you up.
Don't forget,
I'm the one who told you.
[Man talking indistinctly]
I think I know those men.
Well, I think it's time
for a round of drinks.
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
What'll you have?
A cup of tea, please.
- I've sent for the tea.
- Thank you very much.
- BILLY: Yeeeee-ha!
- [Gunshots]
Outta my way, you varmint!
If you wasn't right here,
I'd swear that sounds like you.
[Indistinct yelling]
Now there's two of 'em!
Liven it up! Yeah!
He looks just like
a real gunfighter.
I don't think we know him
as well as we thought.
Yeah! Yeah!
This saloon is deader
than Boot Hill!
Party needs livenin' up.
That's Eli over there.
Twin brothers!
Isn't that wonderful?
What's this?
I thought I shot out
that mirror!
Don't fire.
[Breathing heavily]
Holy smoke.
The mirror's talkin' to me.
I'm not a mirror.
I don't like this.
How come there's two of me?
I said, "How come
there's two of me?"
Hold it, Billy.
There ain't two of you.
There's one of each.
Brothers, spittin' images.
Oh, isn't that marvelous?
I'm overjoyed.
Well, I don't need
no spittin' image!
Hold it, Billy!
Hold it!
Now, we got us
a brand-new will.
Now, it mentions the fact
that you got a brother,
but it don't say nothin'
about him bein' a twin.
Well, I don't need no brother,
nor no spittin' twin!
Like it or not,
want it or not,
need it or not,
you got him!
Just whose side are you on,
Oh, Mayor Ragsdale?
- Uh, yes.
- Eli Bloodshy, sir.
I've got a letter
asking me to look you up
regarding my inheritance.
Your inheritance?
Now, not so fast.
Now, how do we know
he's a real Bloodshy?
You talk funny,
like a foreigner.
Well, I've got
my birth certificate.
I've got my license to
drive a cart in Philadelphia.
And I'm expecting my preaching
permit any day now.
Oh, Lordy, it ain't bad enough
I got me a brother.
He's a tambourine whacker!
Yeah. Yeah.
Well, Eli.
Eli, sir.
Yes, Eli.
Yes, we do have an inheritance,
but there's
a little contest involved.
What kind of a contest?
Between the two of you.
It's spelled out
right in here.
Yes, in detail.
Uh, yes.
There it is.
"Winner take all. "
Between him and me?
What does it consist of?
Oh, just a little race.
[Laughing] Nothin' to be
worried about.
You come on now, Eli.
Let me show you the town
that your daddy built.
I'll see you later, Billy.
A little race, huh?
On the Bloody Bloodshy Trail.
Well, if I was you boys,
I'd get a few bets
down in the big city.
That a way, whilst I'm cleanin'
up on the psalm singer,
you boys
can be cleanin' out Reno!
- Yooooo-hooooo!
- [Gunshots]
That's the Bloodshy
Savings Bank.
Hasn't been open
since the last robbery.
There's not much money
in this town, parson.
I thought my father
had considerable wealth.
Yes. It's all safe
and sound in my vault there.
Don't you worry
about a thing, son.
The lunchroom's shot, too?
People around here seem to get
what they need in the saloon.
So I see.
It's the West, you see, son?
It's the wild, wild West.
Hold it.
He's here.
He is.
But don't worry.
It's gonna be all right.
I got the edge on him.
You do?
Because he's here,
and he knows I know
he's here.
But he doesn't know I know
he knows I know he's here,
but I know.
So I got the edge.
Let's leave this
up to the sheriff, son.
You're here.
I know you're here.
Yeah, I'm here, all right.
My sister says
you insulted her.
No man insults my sister
and stays alive.
Insulted her?
I asked her to marry me.
So, she was right.
Get ready to slap leather.
Then get ready
to bite the dust.
You're fast, Denver,
but not that fast.
Nobody's that fast.
I didn't get to be the sheriff
of Bloodshy for being slow.
Draw and I'll tattoo
your name all over that sheet.
You draw and there'll be
another badge on Boot Hill.
We'll see about that.
At the count of three.
Aah! Oh!
Uh, uh!
It seems what
hasn't been burnt down
has been boarded up.
I hope the church survived.
No. The church burned down
about six months ago.
The church as well?
Perhaps I can speak
to your minister.
Well, yeah. You probably passed
him on the way into town.
All we passed
was a little cemetery.
That great big gray tombstone?
That was him.
You beginning
to get the picture, boy?
It's the classic picture
of a town on its knees.
Yes, exactly.
Even if you do win that race,
look around you here.
- What have you got?
- What have I got?
I've got the most marvelous
opportunity a man could have.
Thank you for the most
inspiring walk of my life.
In here.
Jenny, fate took us by the hand
when it led us out here.
Everywhere you turn,
there's a golden opportunity.
What are you doing?
It goes along with leaving.
Which is what
I'm going to do.
But there's a real job
to be done here.
What job? The school
burnt down six months ago.
All the more reason
we're needed.
To start a fire department?
To build a new church,
to build a new school,
to lift this town
to its feet, Jenny.
I believe that destiny
has spoken to us.
Did destiny tell you where
the money was coming from?
- My inheritance.
- What about the race?
The race?
You've heard about that?
It's all over town.
The kids told me.
Considering the life
my brother's leading,
I'll be taking
unfair advantage.
You don't think you stand
a chance to win, do you?
When you're a missionary
in Philadelphia,
you get to be fast on your feet.
How are you in the water?
When was the last time
you shot the rapids?
And how about the six-up team?
Have you driven one?
- I've never driven one.
- Then there's the mountain.
Have you ever climbed
straight up 2,000 feet
with razor-sharp rocks
and death at every turn?
Is that what you think
this race is all about?
That's it exactly.
Half of the people are betting
you won't come out alive.
That's ridiculous.
You've been listening to
rumors and a couple of kids.
Mayor Ragsdale assures me
it's nothing more
than a plain, simple,
ordinary race.
You don't believe him,
do you?
Of course. He's a fine,
upstanding gentleman.
I like that.
He's a civic dignitary,
you know.
He must not finish
that race,
but you gotta make it
look like an accident.
I don't know what
you're head-up about.
Ain't no way that city dude
can make that course.
Well, there's too much
at stake to take any chances.
There's something about him
that makes me nervous.
Do you boys think that
you can handle it this time?
Quit your worrying, Ragsdale.
Takin' care of an hombre like
Eli is our meat and potatoes.
Good. I'll have some gravy
for you later.
Dinner in a moment, sir.
Try servin' it up here,
you overpaid import!
And close your mouth,
less'n you're aimin'
to catch flies.
If I may, sir,
what are you doing up there?
I'm spyin' on you,
to make sure
you delivered the will.
Perhaps you were able
to get a glimpse of Master Eli.
I would have if
you hadn't let me climb up here
without my spyglass.
Begging your pardon,
but I wasn't here.
That's no excuse,
you lint-headed limey!
Now look alive!
I'm comin' down!
Very good, sir.
Ooh! Ooh!
Ooh! Ooh!
Are you quite
all right, sir?
Now I've had it with you,
You missed me again,
just like your broken-down neck
did at the gorge.
I assure you, sir.
If you don't kill me
by missin' me,
you're gonna get me
with your poison cookin'.
Well, the stage
is now set, sir,
and we patiently await
the opening curtain.
Don't give me
that highfalutin lingo,
you shoddy Shakespeare!
Now, what's my boy look like?
As you would say,
"The spittin' image
of your other son," sir.
Totin' guns, was he?
Yes. Rather a large
rapid-firing one, sir.
Another fightin' fool.
Oh, great glory.
I can see a real battle
shapin' up, Mansfield.
Under your watchful eye,
I'm sure it will be
a marvelous contest.
Do sit down, sir.
Oh, thank you kindly.
Ah! Ooh!
With you around, Mansfield,
my watchful eye may be
the only thing left in my body
that ain't broke,
battered, or busted.
Revival meeting, ma'am.
A pamphlet, sir?
Singin', preachin',
and free soup?
- It's homemade.
- Yes.
Free booze, and you might
get yourself a crowd.
But free soup?
Maybe some of the farmers
will come.
I sure hope someone does.
I hope those gunfighters
don't come.
I don't care
what Ragsdale says.
If I had my way,
that preacher wouldn't make it
to the starting line.
They mean Eli.
He'd never believe that.
He's always looking
at the good side of people.
But while he's looking
at their good side,
their bad side's
gonna finish him.
What we oughta do
is try to help protect him.
Five paces,
we turn and shoot.
What about it?
That's a way
to help protect him.
Just wait.
You ready?
I'm ready.
You ready?
I said I was ready.
You gonna count, count.
All right.
I'm gonna count now.
Well, count!
[Gun cocks]
[Gun cocks]
What are you doing?!
Eli needs our help.
They're gonna get him.
I don't care. You have
no business playing with guns.
- You want me to help unload it?
- Absolutely not.
Finish delivering
those pamphlets. Now move.
You better be careful, Jenny.
The shotgun's still loaded.
Don't you worry about me.
Now, get a move on.
- All right.
- Yes'm.
- ELI: Ah!
- Whoa!
Ow! Oh!
Who... who did...
You! You.
You almost killed me!
Are you crazy?
What are you doing
shooting guns?
You don't understand.
Eli, I wasn't...
Well, if you wasn't,
who was?
The children.
don't blame the children.
It's bad enough
to twist the truth, Jenny.
But to blame two innocent
children for this.
I'm shocked.
You... you...
You wait and see.
When it comes
to spottin' my son,
this has to be
the perfect spot, Mansfield.
Innocent children.
Innocent children.
Ah! Ohh!
[Thunder rumbling]
[Thunder crashes]
[Thunder crashes]
All right, Rattlesnake!
None of your tricks
this time!
On the count of three, draw!
Countin' three
is fair by me.
So long, Denver.
[Chuckling mockingly]
[Rain falling]
[Thunder crashing]
- We're gonna be late.
- Jenny, let's go.
What's wrong, Jenny?
Aren't you going?
No, I don't think I will.
- Eli needs us, Jenny.
- It's his first revival meeting.
You'd do anything for him,
wouldn't you?
Sure. He's done everything
for us.
Maybe even more than a father
would have done.
You'd like to have a father,
wouldn't you?
More than anything else
in the whole world.
Well, maybe I'll bring
some soup down later on.
Come on.
No! I tell you,
there is hope!
As Solomon
told ancient Israel,
the house of the wicked
shall be overthrown,
but the tabernacle
of the upright shall flourish.
A real battler?
You nincompoop!
My son's a psalm singer!
Mr. Bloodshy.
You better get out
while the gettin's good.
The last feller who came here
talkin' tabernacles
went out feet first.
- You remember that.
- Yeah.
But running away
has never been the solution,
not when there are kind,
decent, peaceful people here
who want to live in a community
where there's love and goodness.
Looks like his brother
and talks like his mother.
That poor milksop
stands as much chance out here
as a snowflake
in the Sahara.
What about my father?
Rest his soul.
He practically
built this town.
I cleared timber,
drove nails, dug ditches!
What am I telling you for?
You English sissy!
But then he just sat around,
let it all turn sour,
let it fall
into the wrong hands.
Now it's a town of gamblin',
hard drinkin',
and fast women.
Sounds pretty good to me.
But if a town changed
for the worse,
it could change for the better.
All it needs is faith,
courage, and conviction.
I'm ready to stay right here
and help you fight
to get this town back again.
Well, I guess he does have
a smidgen of spunk after all,
for a prune picker.
- Mr. Bloodshy!
- Yeah? Ooh.
I'm afraid
you won't be here long.
You ain't gonna finish
that race.
You know why?
Because there isn't
going to be any silly race.
What's he mean, no race?
If he cancels my race,
I'll cancel him!
I'm going across the street now
and talk to my brother.
We'll split this inheritance
and use the money
to make this a town
worth living in.
Behind those guns of his,
there's a fine,
decent human being.
Mr. Bloodshy, do you really
believe all that?
I certainly do.
Well, you're as crazy
as a coot.
He's as crazy as two coots.
Marcus will spread the word.
The whole town will be out there
with love and kindness
in their hearts.
Roxanne, ring those bells.
[Crowd murmuring]
I've heard enough,
Now I don't have to hear
% % Oh, come to the church
in the nave% %
[Piano notes play]
[Singing continues]
[Gun cocks, gunshot]
[Notes playing]
% % Oh, come to the church
in the nave% %
% % No spot is so dear
to my child% %
Brother Billy, may I...
Brother Billy,
may I suggest...
Brother Billy, may I suggest
we put aside this contest
and join our hands together
for the benefit
of the community?
You know what I mean?
You're a-feared to race me.
Certainly not,
but I think it's silly
for two grown men
to compete with each other.
Now, if you don't run
in that race tomorrow,
you're nothin' more
than I thought you was.
A yellow-bellied, lily-livered
coward from the city.
Now you get outta here
afore I'm obliged
to blow your brains out.
[Singing continues]
But we still don't
have this settled.
And I'm not leaving here
until we do.
Oh, you're not, huh?
[Voice croaks] No.
You ought to be more careful
with that gun.
Say good night
to Brother Eli.
Good night, Brother Eli!
[Laughter, gunshots]
[Singing continues]
Oh, Eli.
We'll see you at the race
tomorrow, Brother Eli.
That is, if you can get
your creakin' carcass
to the startin' line.
Hey, wait a minute!
You can't get away with that!
Marcus, stop.
Now you won't have to wash.
When are you gonna realize
they don't want us here?
But we are needed.
Eli, they're against you.
All of 'em are.
Just a minute.
You haven't lost faith,
have you?
- Of course not.
- Not in you.
Five mighty tests of courage,
skill, and strength.
Startin' with
the iron donkeys,
snortin' little piston-drivin'
steam engines,
and endin' up
with the six-up teams.
Wagons pulled
by six powerful horses.
You're gonna see fierce,
spirited, untamed, wild-eyed...
You lookin' for me?
I'll tend to you later.
Anyway, folks,
the finish line is in town.
And one more thing.
Oh, yeah, I get it. Right.
Be brief.
Well, to be brief, folks,
stationed at each
and every point,
there will be an official
selected by our impartial
race committee
to see that there's
no hanky-pankying going on.
Morning, Oscar.
Hey, $5 says the preacher
don't make it to the canoes.
Officials ain't allowed
to make bets.
You givin' odds?
You name 'em, you got 'em.
Cat's cradles.
It better be.
Now, push, Mansfield.
Push. Push.
Ooh, I knew it
in my bones, Mansfield.
Fair race, my foot.
My boy Eli's gonna need help,
and lots of it.
So I best get my tools.
Ooh, ooh, ooh.
Stand fast,
you cockeyed Cockney, you.
- Ooh!
- I'm sorry.
There's one thing for sure.
Master Eli certainly
has a chance with you around.
Oh, sir!
Oh, and something else
I forgot.
Before we start the race...
On second thought,
let's just start the race.
Bring up the iron donkeys.
What do you think that means?
I don't know.
Eli, we got somethin'
for you.
For me?
Be careful.
Don't squash it.
It's for good luck.
In case you need any.
Oh, it's beautiful.
Eli, we know you can win.
Win? He'll be lucky
if he stays alive.
Do you mind just having
a little faith?
mount your engines!
Don't worry. I have
nothin' to be afraid of.
Cheer up, brother.
We both got somethin'
to look forward to.
The town greetin' me
and Saint Peter greetin' you.
- Eli.
- Yes?
For luck.
And be careful.
Now, when you hear my gunshot,
that's your signal
to start the race!
Are you ready?
- Yes.
- Yeah!
Hey, what's goin' on?
When are they gonna
start this thing?
We gonna wait around here
all day?
Eli, you're goin'
the wrong way!
Billy, what
are you stoppin' for?!
Get out of the way!
Get off me!
Get your foot
off of my shoe!
Somebody get a loop on him!
- [Whistles]
- Oh!
Thank you very much.
Here we go!
Here we go!
Is this a race
or a ring
around the roundhouse?!
ROXANNE: Come on, hurry!
Get him on the track!
Let's go, Eli!
Go, Eli!
Go, Eli!
What's going on?!
You're losin', that's what!
Come on!
Get him!
Get! Get!
Snail foot!
We'll see you later,
Come on!
Clear the road!
Clear the road!
Hey, what's that?
Aw, it's just
another Indian sacrifice.
What, a whole tepee?
Yep, looks like it.
What become of your brother?
Should've been here by now.
You get ahead of him?
I guess he's steamin' home,
back to Philadelphia.
Holy horsefly!
Would you look who that is.
Now, how did he get there?
You get back here,
you schemin',
cheatin' polecat!
You paddle like you talk!
Like a sissy!
Hey, Bloodshy!
Quitters don't run
in our family!
Aaah! Aah!
Wrong way.
Wrong way!
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
Aah! Aah!
[Spits, panting]
Looks pretty good for you,
and pretty bad for him.
Hey, look!
Am I seein'
what I think I'm seein'?
I coulda told him
this race would get him
one way or tother.
[Spits, panting]
Well, looks like
you might get your chance.
I don't believe it.
I just don't believe it.
You better get a wiggle on it.
That fella's still a-kickin'.
Come on, Bucky,
let's help him out.
Has he succeeded, sir?
JASPER: Has he?
I told you that half-drowned
church mouse
is sure givin' him
a run for it,
in spite of them
sabotagin' Sneads.
I daresay the Sneads
aren't bright enough
to be doing this dastardly deed
on their own.
I'll do the daresayin'
'round here, Mansfield.
Oh, very good, sir.
Yeah, I daresay the Sneads
don't seem bright enough
to be doing this...
...deed by themselves,
- Excellent observation, sir.
- Yeah.
Yeah, we best get into town.
I got a hunch who the real
schemin' skunk is.
Hop aboard.
Where am I going now?
Up the mountain, just as soon
as you refresh yourself
with a little water.
I'm a walking sponge
right now.
And a cold one.
Don't matter.
One of the rules.
It's for the well-being
of both contestants.
You saw Wild Billy
take his, didn't you?
Well, if Billy...
Mountain water.
[Shivers] I've never...
I've never tasted water
like this before.
That's the funniest stuff
I've ever had.
Mm, mmm.
You know, it's...
It's not bad.
It certainly
got rid of those shivers.
[Slurring] You know...
I kinda like it.
A man ought to drink water
more often.
I liked visitin' with you,
but you better catch Billy.
You gentlemen mind if I take
this little old water jug?
Why, I think
that'd be all right.
- Sure.
- Good.
Hey, mister!
That's not the mountain.
That's the river.
Oh, that's right, yes.
The mountain
and the river.
The mountain.
I'll start right on up.
"Eli groggy. "
[All cheering]
"But right behind
Wild Billy. "
[All booing]
You think Eli can win?
Against a stacked deck?
We better find out
what they're up to.
RAGSDALE: If you don't get
that preacher on the mountain,
make sure you get him
at Devil's Gorge.
I told you, quit worryin'.
Ain't no possible way
he can get by the gorge.
That's good.
All right, here's the gravy
that I promised you.
After you get rid
of that psalm singer...
Pay attention!
We're plannin'
a little dynamite party
for Wild Billy
at Deadman's Pass.
- Wild Billy?
- Yep.
You want to get rid
of Wild Billy, too?
I don't know.
You see,
I've doctored that will.
You see, if nobody wins,
then the money and the saloon,
the town goes to the executor
of that will, and that's me.
Now, you and your brothers,
being my partners,
why, you'll get, uh, uh...
Well, now do you want
to bump off Wild Billy?
[Laughs evilly]
Does a coyote like to howl?
Here's where you're gonna
come down the trail.
Right there.
That's where you put
the dynamite, there.
Got it.
This is gonna be a cinch.
All right, now let's go.
Come on.
[Gun cocks]
Let go, Mansfield!
They're gonna get my sons!
Over my dead body.
But, sir, there must be
another way of handling this.
Would you take
your hands off... ow!
- [Gunshot]
- [Neighing]
Where have you two been?
They're gonna get
Brother Eli!
- Whoa! Whoa! What?
- Wild Billy, too!
With dynamite
at Deadman's Pass.
Wait a minute.
We don't have time
for you not to believe us.
I'm going with you.
Good goin', Billy.
You made it.
Well, what did you expect?
I always figured
you'd be first...
- [Eli singing in distance]
- Hold it!
Can you hear
somebody singin'?
Yeah. Real pretty.
It's that blasted bulldog.
% % Where seldom is heard% %
% % A discouraging word% %
% % Are not... something... % %
% % Whe-e-re the deer... % %
% % And the thing-a-me-bobs
play% %
% % Seldo-o-m is heard... % %
- Come on, we'll get him.
- % % A discouraging word% %
% % And the skies
are not cloudy... % %
Come on, here he comes!
[Humming off-key]
Wonder where they came from.
The biggest hailstones
I've ever seen.
Boy, he's slipperier
than a dad-gum snake.
Mm. Mm.
This has got to do it.
- I'll tell you when.
- Right.
The world trembles
at your beauty.
Don't tell me
we missed him again.
We'll get him.
At the gorge.
That's the way!
Keep it up!
You're doing terrific!
Congratulations, Billy.
Why, with the lead
you've got,
you could let them horses
ride you and still win.
That stall-fed tenderfoot
got no business
being in the race.
But he hasn't come by yet.
So you don't have
anything to worry about.
Hello, Billy!
Now, how does that him-hummer
keep a-doin' it?
The team's just up the hill!
That's the skinniest-looking
bridge I've ever seen.
Eli, what are you doin'?
Not that-a way!
Hand over hand!
You mean...
Hand over hand!
[Wind gusting]
You don't understand!
You don't have to walk
on 'em!
Come on!
You can make it!
No, he can't!
Hey, preacher!
How do you like the view?
This is no time
to be lyin' down on the job!
Yeah, boys, help him out!
What do you think
you're doing?!
After you.
Aaah! Aah!
Go on, get that other surprise
ready up at Deadman's Pass.
This hombre's a goner.
- Okay, boss.
- You bet.
% % Rock of ages% %
% % Cleft for me% %
Come on,
we've got work to do.
You ain't never
gonna make it, preacher!
Take a long look down
and say your last prayer,
Amen and adios!
There's nothin' like
a well-aimed rock, Mansfield.
Oh! Ah!
If only
I could help you, son.
Eeh! Ooh!
have you gone plum loco?
Aaah! Ohh!
MARCUS: Get him, Roxanne!
Hit him! Hit him!
Ohh! Oh!
We did it.
He went over easier
than I thought.
He sure did.
Oh, no!
Hang on, Eli!
- Eli!
- Eli!
Hurry! Hurry!
Oh, thank heaven.
Hang on, Eli!
Yeah, hang on!
We'll save you!
[Branch cracks]
Help me up.
Quick, Jenny, the rope!
- [Branch cracks]
- Aaah!
Here, Eli!
All right, hit him.
- Hyah!
- Go on! Go!
Aah, aah, aah, aah!
Aah! Aah!
ROXANNE: Let go, Eli!
Eli, let go!
Is he all right?
Wow, that mountain water
sure makes you do funny things.
Ragsdale's in it
with the Sneads!
They're out to get Billy,
If both of you don't make it,
Ragsdale gets everything.
You gotta win!
The only thing I've got to do
is save my brother.
This map shows the dynamite and
where the Sneads are gonna be.
You'll lose the race
to save someone who hates you.
Well, isn't that
what we're supposed to do?
Help anybody
who needs saving, hmm?
I guess so.
Come on.
Come on!
Come on!
Hey, you two, wait for us!
Give me those!
[Whistles] Hyah!
Aah! Oh!
MARCUS: Look out!
Everybody, in the back!
[Bird calling]
Hey, is everybody all right?
MARCUS: Yeah, Jenny.
Eli, look at that.
Yeah, what is it?
It's those Sneads.
[Horse snorts]
You see anything?
No, no sign of him yet.
The lookout has the rifle.
Eli can handle him.
I hope so. We've got to get him
away from that plunger.
If he falls on it, the
whole mountainside will go.
- I got an idea.
- Oh, really?
You get behind that rock.
Stay here.
I'll be right back.
Now cover it up.
All right.
Why, you little dad-gum
Get back!
Get back!
Let go of my hair!
Get off of me,
you little pony!
Just keep him buttoned up.
[Birds calling]
- Pete, get on that plunger.
- Yeah, boss.
Did he hear him?
I don't know.
I'm not sure.
[Muffled grunting]
Ain't a bad swap, huh?
Two brothers for a fortune.
[Grunting continues]
Hey, he's a-movin'!
When he gets to the mine,
they both get it.
[Muffled] No! No!
Shall I help you
steady the rifle, sir?
Only when I decide
to aim it at you, Mansfield.
[Gun cocks]
PETE: He's getting
pretty close, boss.
All right, get ready.
Should I blow it now?
Not yet.
- Unh!
- Aah!
Billy! Dynamite!
Get him!
Get down!
Where is he?!
- Oh!
- Oh!
[Roxanne and Marcus cheering]
Oh, yes! Oh! Oh!
I got him, Eli!
I got him!
It was Jenny.
I don't think it was me.
I think it was the...
Oh, no!
Uh, I don't know
what that was, folks.
It could have been thunder.
But one thing I do know.
A winner could be coming in
any minute now.
Oh, Eli.
I've got to find out.
Are you just gonna stand there
caterwaulin' all day?
Thank heaven you're safe.
I might have knowed it.
Never trust a Bible-banger.
You went and ruined everything.
The will says,
"May the best man win. "
Now I ain't so sure
I am the best man.
You saved my life!
Now, how am I gonna whip a man
who saves my life?
Billy, Ragsdale set us
both up to be killed,
and he's going to get
all the money if nobody wins.
That snivelin' sneak!
Then one of us has gotta win.
[Cheers and applause]
Thank you, Sheriff.
Thank you, thank you, boys.
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen,
all my loyal constituents.
Now, then,
as executor of the estate
of the late, great,
beloved Jasper Bloodshy...
[Crowd muttering]
I was fully prepared
to turn over his entire,
every last cent
of that fortune
to whichever brother wins,
whichever one comes in.
[Crowd cheering]
But, uh...
Well, it seems to me
that if there is to be a winner,
he should have been here
a long time ago, hmm?
Matter of fact,
it has occurred to me,
as I am sure it has occurred
to each and every one of you,
that some unforeseen,
dire tragedy
has befallen those two
fine young men, huh?
[Crowd murmuring]
Let's take him, too.
No, no, come on.
However, there is a, uh,
provision in the will
which states
that if there is no winner,
then the entire fortune
goes to...
Rider comin'!
A rider comin'.
Rider comin'?
Who is it?
Can you see?
I don't believe it!
Are you sure
that's the preacher?
[Laughs excitedly]
It's Eli!
He's won!
You're safe!
How's Billy?
Eli, we knew
you could do it!
Where's Ragsdale?!
There he goes!
MARCUS: With as much money
as he can get away with.
Hold it, Ragsdale!
Hyah, hyah!
Go on! Get out of here!
Move it! Hyah!
Get out of here!
Hey, Eli, you're shootin'
just like Wild Billy.
Come back here,
you concern, yellow-bellied,
two-timin' polecat!
Eli isn't Eli.
Eli's Wild Billy.
Another rider comin'!
- Which one's this?
- Is it Eli or Billy?
Now, there's Eli.
I think.
I'd like a word with you.
I said, "Brother,
I'd like a word with you. "
Swing me up!
I'm ready, Rattlesnake.
Let's make it clean and fast.
All right.
We'll count to three.
I'm gonna get you, Ragsdale!
Marcus, what are you doing?
Oh, no!
Hey, what is this?
Get that off!
I don't see any way
you can trick me this time.
Get off me!
What is this thing? Get away!
Get off!
Get off!
- Aah!
- Ooh!
Aah! Aah!
Hold on!
Come on, get him!
Get him, Eli!
He's a crook!
He's got all the money!
Look out!
Marcus, are you all right?
That was great!
Here he comes, Mansfield!
The dirty fly
into the spider's web.
Stand back, Mansfield,
and see how the West was won.
Ehhh! Ooh!
Great jumpin' Jasper's ghost!
Aah! It's a ghost!
It's a ghost!
I can't be seein' this.
I know I'm not seein' this.
- But get off me!
- Nothing doin', Ragsdale!
I'm takin' you with me!
I take everything back!
I'll give you the money back!
Too late, you whinin' weasel!
I'll see you in jail
if it's the last thing
I ever do-o-o!
It was the old man,
I tell you! I saw him!
I tell you, it was
the strangest thing I ever saw.
He came floatin' down
in a white sheet.
The bats have taken over
the belfry.
You gotta believe me!
Hey, Sheriff!
Listen, you start that story
one more time,
there'll be two ghosts,
and you'll be one!
I'll be late
for that ceremony.
Deputy, keep an eye
on the prisoners.
Right, chief.
You gotta believe me, man!
[Cheers and applause]
And so my brother and I
have decided
to share the money
and use it to make a new town.
A town
a whole lot different
than the one
you've been used to.
And if anybody has
any other ideas,
they're gonna have to
answer to m...
[Clears throat]
My brother, Eli.
It's going to be a town
I hope you'll all be proud of.
I know I'm going to be proud
of the new church
and the new school
we're building.
A new school for our children,
yours and mine.
He means us.
We've got a father.
And I'll tell you
something else.
Not only will these children
have the best teacher,
they'll have the prettiest one
they've ever seen.
[Laughter and applause]
Of course, I may be
a little prejudiced.
I think we're gettin'
a mother, too.
You know,
I can't rightly recollect
ever seein'
the whole town together
with folks a-smilin' at each
other instead of shootin'.
[Crowd murmuring
in agreement]
I think this is a fitting moment
now to pay tribute
to the one man
who made all this possible.
Our father, Jasper Bloodshy.
It's too bad
he couldn't have lived
to see his last wish come true.
Amen, brother.
But if you'll all join in
with me now
singing "Something Good
is Bound to Happen,"
I guarantee
no matter where he is,
he'll be happy
at this very moment.
[Men clearing their throats]
["Something Good
is Bound to Happen" plays]
% % Something good
is bound to happen% %
% % When love
is in your heart% %
% % For love and human kindness% %
% % Is where good things
always start% %
% % Theres goodness
in your neighbors% %
% % Theres goodness
close at hand% %
Don't shush me,
you British buzzard!
Can't a man sing
when he's happy?
Well, sir,
then you might reconsider
and make an appearance.
And send the whole town off
to the loony bin, like Ragsdale?
No, I finished what
I set out to do, Mansfield.
It's time to move on.
Where to, sir?
Yeah, to a place I ain't seen
for years, Mansfield.
Cactus Ridge.
Cactus Ridge?
Why Cactus Ridge, sir?
Now I've straightened out
my sons, Wild Billy and Eli,
I gotta go see
how my daughters,
Calico Kate and Wildcat Winnie,
are doin'.
Let's go, Mansfield!
Very good, sir.
Gee-up, there!
Mornin', Sheriff.
Morning, Mr. Bloodshy.
% % Something good
is bound to happen% %
% % When love
is in your heart% %
% % For love and human kindness% %
% % Is where good things
always start% %
% % Theres goodness
in your neighbors% %
% % Theres goodness
close at hand% %
% % Oh, look
for all the goodness% %
% % Over all this blessed land% %
% % Blessed land% %
% % Over all this blessed land% %
% % Blessed land% %
% % Over all this blessed land% %