I'll Be Home for Christmas (1998) Movie Script
Hey, James.
12-32-14!
Jake, thank God, let me out.
Did you get my mail?
Math test.
A minus.
You made it look just good enough.
Did you score me
backstage passes to Dave Matthews?
That's my man. All right.
12-32... what was that last number
again? 168?
14, Jake.
All right, calm down, I got you.
Thanks.
-You're welcome.
Ian, what is the deal with you being
sardined into your locker again?
Eddie Taffett
and his troglodyte trio.
They're bugged
about the phoney lDs we sold.
l'll take care of them later.
Get on the net.
Change that ticket my dad got me
to New York
and book two seats to Cabo San Lucas.
Will you be taking Allie?
-Working on that now.
Morning, ladies.
Do those things work?
-Yeah, wanna see?
No, it's OK.
Zone defence? Guess l'm not
going to be able to get in.
Unless... What's this?
Cherry crunch?
-Would I bring you anything else?
l'm sure that tastes good here.
lt would taste better someplace else.
What are you doing here?
You said you wanted to see what it
would be like to wake up next to me.
Oh, good line.
Premeditated or spontaneous?
Totally off the cuff.
l was inspired by the lovely sight
of you drooling.
l wasn't drooling, I was sleeping.
Sleeping?
l can't sleep, l've got to study.
You were studying subliminally.
You were absorbing it off the page
through osmosis.
Give me that.
Look, my final is in three hours.
You're here, just distracting me,
so get out of here.
No problem. Suit yourself.
l just wanted to let you know
there's a freak storm. Snowing.
Snowing?
We're in southern California.
lt's not...
My God.
lt's snowing.
Jake, you lunatic.
Where did you get a snow machine?
lt's a white Christmas,
just like home.
And here's a little Christmas cheer.
Egg nog?
My mother makes this from scratch.
And one more thing.
More? Do I detect
an overage of niceness going on here?
Just read it.
Two tickets to Cabo San Lucas,
Christmas on the beach.
Amazing.
-I knew you'd be...
Pissed.
This is the most inconsiderate thing.
l have plans
that are important to me.
lt's not like l'm asking you
to sleep in a Porta Potti.
A condo overlooking the ocean.
Forget it. You know I am driving home
to visit my family.
Tell them what I told my dad.
You're gonna be in the gym
for the next two weeks
in preparation for Ultimate Fighting.
That's what you told him?
-Sure.
When he found out I wanted
to stay here, he was relieved.
But I want to go home.
l want a traditional Christmas
with snow and stockings
and egg nog and carollers.
l thought we could have fun
this Christmas.
You thought that you could have fun.
But what about everybody else?
Mom and Dad would be crushed
if I didn't come home.
What about your dad
and your sister and Carolyn?
Bringing up my dad's new wife
drains me of my Christmas spirit.
All l'm saying is, don't you think
it's time you went home?
Hey, there. Looking good today.
Thanks, Eddie,
you're looking nice today, too.
l'm not talking to you, Wilkinson.
Allie, what perfume
are you wearing today?
Excuse me?
l got three words for you.
New. Car. Smell.
lt would smell so good on you.
Come here and check it out.
l got one word for you. Beemer.
Stand away from the vehicle.
You got to be kidding me.
So it's Disco lnferno Night
at the Viper Room, right?
lt's me and the Murph Man
and the Ed Man and the Ken Man.
We were waiting in line
for half the night.
The bouncer finally gives us
the nod.
We go over there
and debut our brand-new lDs.
The dude goes...
-Bye-bye.
No one says bye-bye
to the Brandt Man.
Fellas.
What can I say? My subcontractor
has been slacking off.
l want to make this up to you.
l have a foolproof method
that will guarantee
you ace your History final.
But if you'd rather see
your grades crash and burn.
lt's up to you.
No cost?
Of course there's no cost
for the answers.
l couldn't do that to you.
You guys are my buds.
However, there is a nominal fee
for the beeper rental.
Wilkinson residence.
l'm sorry,
he can't come to the phone right now.
He's busy accessorising.
Jake, it's your dad.
See you.
How are things at the office?
-We're all off for the holidays.
l sent everybody home at noon.
Great. Getting ready for ski season?
Yeah, I just got my bindings fixed.
Look, l'm calling to find out
about you.
Are you still planning
to come home for Christmas?
l'd like to but I gotta stay on
campus and finish up that lab work...
Cos I got a call from my
travel agent.
He says the ticket I sent you was
cashed in for two to Cabo San Lucas.
He says somebody
sabotaged his computer file.
What kind of a world
are we living in?
Is the convenience of technology
worth the loss to our privacy?
Who would do such a thing?
Where will it end?
l agreed to let you go off
to school in California.
But you haven't been home
for the holidays since Mom died.
l think it's time
that we become a family again.
lf you were 18, where would you
rather be for Christmas?
At home with your family
or in Cabo
on the beach with a beautiful girl?
Allie's parents say she is coming
home like always.
l just really want you home, son.
Me too.
-As does Carol.
No.
-And Tracey, we all want you home.
Well, I just don't think
l can get there.
Not even if l... give you the Porsche?
Excuse me?
The Porsche?
The 195 Porsche?
The same one we rebuilt by hand
together
with the kid-glove interiors
and the original paint?
l tell you what, if you're home
when we sit down to dinner,
6:00, Christmas Eve, the car's yours.
6:00.
Not one minute past. Understand?
Yes, sir.
-We'll see you then.
Great. Bye.
You are mine.
All mine.
He cashes in the tickets
and you offer him a bribe?
Do you see anything wrong
with this picture?
Yeah, I do, but...
-But what?
Jake's coming home for Christmas.
OK, I got to go pack, you guys.
See you in an hour?
Nice try but no chance.
Must be defective.
l estimated it would be another five
hours till you tried to make up.
That's funny.
l estimate that it takes five hours
to fly to Larchmont, New York.
l thought you cashed your ticket in.
l cashed it back in
for tickets to New York.
Will you please accept my apology
and come home with me for Christmas?
You're unbelievable.
Tell me about it.
Ripley is doing a special on me.
So, why the sudden change of heart?
l guess you got to me with
all that sentimental family stuff.
l'm glad you're coming around.
lf you don't have family,
what do you have?
So, do you want to come over
and help me pack?
l can't. I gotta go tutor some jocks.
You're such a compassionate man!
l am a giver.
Pick you up tomorrow morning, 8:00.
This better work.
Run.
Look out.
What's taking so long?
Sorry, Ms Peterson.
-Coach likes to stay in touch.
Driving a Porsche, it's like
you have a relationship with it.
lt knows you. It's listening
and just responding.
So true.
Downshifting?
You don't know what it is
until you downshift a Porsche.
You are a lucky man.
-So true.
So, Jake, are you feeling lucky?
Immensely.
l think that's all about to change.
Something wrong, fellas?
You think you're a wiseguy?
lt's real funny to make us
look like morons?
What are you talking about?
-The beepers, dipstick.
Where's lan?
12-32-14.
l'm sure there's some explanation.
Let me make a call.
We're done explaining.
Boys.
All right, see you later.
Have a good break.
All right, Jake, where are you?
God, I wish I were dead.
l said I wished I were dead.
Let's see you sweet-talk your way
out of this.
Eddie and the boys.
The last time
l do business with those guys.
Go on, get out of here.
You glued it on, didn't you,
you jerks?
The hat too?
This is not acceptable.
Sit. Roll over.
Die.
Hey, it's Jake, you found me.
ldiot.
-Who's an idiot?
l am.
Jake flaked, huh?
What a surprise. Lucky for you,
the Ed Man is here to the rescue.
What do you say we blow
this Popsicle stand?
You're loving this, aren't you?
Pretty much, yeah.
OK, let's go.
-All right.
No, allow me. I got it.
The ultimate in irony.
1 Academy kids
are driving back east this winter
and I get a ride with you.
Just the two of us, riding
the crest of destiny's rainbow.
Sharing. Caring. A pair for the ages.
OK, hold on, first the ground rules.
lf you say to me things like that,
l'll have to slug you.
lf you say anything nasty about Jake,
l'll have to slug you.
lf you try to feel me up,
l'll have to slug you.
lf you make me listen to any sexist,
racist or homophobic jokes,
l'm gonna have to slug you.
And finally, I might have to slug you
from time to time
simply because I find the prospect
of this incredibly stressful.
All right, sounds like a party to me.
So, what shall we listen to?
Jewel, Sarah, Fiona?
l'm in a sensitive mood, aren't you?
Cut the crap. l'm already in the car.
All right, let's burn this baby.
New York, yeah!
See you, lovebirds.
Hey, it's Allie. You got the machine.
Allie, it's me. Listen, I am so...
Desert, Santa, buzzard, tumbleweed.
This totally sucks.
You got a mean disposition
for a Santa.
l need to make another phone call.
Long distance?
What from here is not long distance?
lt's Jake.
-Where are you?
l'm in the middle of nowhere,
dressed like Santa,
being attacked by tumbleweed.
Cool.
-Get me Dad.
When did I become your slave?
-The day you were born.
Right.
lt's the prodigal son.
Hello, Father.
Jake, you sound funny.
Are you at the airport?
l've had some setbacks but if you
wire me money, l'll make it home.
Just what kind of a bind are you in?
He's in the middle of nowhere
dressed as Santa
being attacked by a bumblebee.
Tumbleweed!
Otherwise, like she said.
That is the worst alibi
in a long line of bad alibis.
But it's all true.
-That's what you always say.
l know, but I really need your help
to make it home on time.
Look, we had a deal.
lt is up to you to get home
on Christmas Eve
or forget about the Porsche.
Excuse me.
l couldn't help overhearing.
You're trying to get home
for Christmas
and your father won't help you?
lt's not that, it's just...
He's so worried about the operation.
He's not thinking clearly.
-Operation?
Yeah.
The whole family chipped in and got
him a triple bypass for Christmas.
l sent home every last dollar l
earned as a shopping mall Santa.
The operation's on Christmas Eve.
Now I won't be home until after
the anaesthesia wears off.
Oh, dear.
You know, me and the girls are
driving to Vegas to see Tom Jones.
We're Tom Tom Girls.
You want to ride with us?
Do you have What's New, Pussycat?
Do we have
What's New, Pussycat?
What's New, Pussycat?
Can we crack open a window?
Do you think it's funny
how easily old people
can catch pneumonia?
Do you think that's a joke?
No, it's just I had a hard night
and l'm not feeling so well.
Get out of there.
Mama's teeth have fallen
out of her mouth again.
Just wedge them back in, dear.
OK, Santa Claus.
Make yourself useful.
Put those right back in her mouth.
Gherkins, anyone?
For Pete's sake!
Oh, well, that's lovely.
-What happened?
Santa just yammied in your handbag.
There he goes again.
-Stop him.
Get up.
Did I hurt you, Santa? Good.
All right, buster. Out you get.
Get out of here.
And take your beard with you.
l never heard of such a thing.
lmagine.
Yammying in my sister's handbag.
There you go, that's five.
Desert, Santa, buzzard, tumbleweed.
Oh, I love this game.
Which word is not like the others?
Santa?
-No, idiot.
lt's a message Jake left
on my machine.
Bizarre, huh?
Oh, my God.
What's wrong with you?
We gotta go.
We're way behind schedule.
Wait!
This is the worst day of my life.
And it just got worse.
Ho-ho-ho, tubby.
Secret fat-man handshake. All right.
Confidentially speaking,
between us Santas,
don't you get tired of this suit?
Every year, it's the same suit.
Red, red, red.
Does any guy really look good in red?
l don't think so.
Got room in the sledge for two?
Thanks.
l really appreciate it. You're a pal.
You're not so cute in the morning.
l'm glad nothing happened.
You just slugged me.
-As per our agreement.
Wake up, chief, time to feed
the reindeer.
All right, l'm going.
Merry Christmas to you too.
l went and killed Santa.
Thank God.
Hang on, Santa, l'm coming.
Hold on.
Am I alive?
l have never been happier
to answer that question.
Yes, you are alive.
You've been asked that before?
-Maybe ten, 12 times.
Allie, can I ask you something?
-Shoot.
Look, l'm a millennial type of guy.
l dig world music,
l think freons should be banned,
l'm all about yoga
and macrobiotic food.
l'm in touch with my inner child.
Is the question coming before Ohio?
What l'm getting at is...
what does Jake have
that I haven't got?
lt's the stuff he comes up with.
Funny things.
Amazing things.
Things that just give me the chills.
Give me an example
of one of these chills.
There was this one time
l was feeling really bad.
lt was really just a down day.
Jake took my hand in his
and being really sweet he said...
Not even the rain
has such small hands.
Not even the rain
has such small hands?
What a nerd.
lt's E.E. Cummings.
Poetry, Eddie.
That gave you chills?
You wouldn't understand.
What?
Not even the corn has such big ears.
That's beautiful. l'm really moved.
Cos if it's poetry you want,
l got it, baby.
There once was a man from
Nantucket...
Just drive the car, Eddie.
Man, oh, man.
l was sure you were a goner.
Nolan, it's been two hours. I can't
have this conversation any more.
What conversation?
The one where you go you were sure
l was a goner
and I go, that was a close one.
A Pathfinder. Catch up with them.
-Who's them?
My girlfriend.
-No kidding. All the way out here?
Wait a minute. Are you saying
that's Mrs Claus in that car?
With another guy?
Mrs Claus stepping out on Santa?
Letting some other guy
down the chimney?
Why, that two-timing ho!
Nolan, reality check.
Say no more, Santa. l'm after them.
Nolan, I said catch them,
try not to kill us.
There's a cop behind us. Slow down.
Cops make me nervous.
l'm gonna make a run for it.
Are you nuts?
Daddy always said, it's better
to go out in a blaze of glory
than to rot
in a state correctional facility.
You're about to tell me
the stuff in the back is stolen?
l won't if you don't want me to.
Stop the car, Nolan.
All right, come on, Jake. Think.
l know. Put this on. Act like my elf.
How do elves act?
-I don't know.
Happy.
-Happy?
Merry Christmas, officer. Problem?
ln a bit of a hurry, aren't you?
That's my fault.
Busy time of year for me.
l'm an elf.
-So it seems.
Do you realise
you were going 9 in a 65 mph zone?
You should try catching me
in my sleigh.
You see, officer,
my elf Snow Puff and l
are heading to the children's
hospital in the next town.
You mean Redcliff?
-Exactly.
To distribute toys to the youngsters.
Sorry if in my haste I sped up a bit,
but every second counts
to a bedridden child.
All right, l'll tell you what.
No more speeding, OK, Santa?
65 stay alive.
Merry Christmas.
-Thank you, officer.
And that is how the big boys do it.
You know what?
My shift ends in a few minutes.
Follow me.
l'll get you there in no time.
That's how the big boys do it?
Shut up, Nolan.
So close yet so far.
Please stay in the car.
l guess he couldn't hear you.
Thank you, officer.
Do y'all mind if I go in there
with you?
l'd like to see the kids' faces
when you give them their gifts.
The more, the merrier.
l want a pony
and a Barbie dreamhouse...
That's all great stuff but Santa
will give you something better.
A KitchenAid Classic Plus toaster
with exclusive AcuToast sensor
for consistent toasting
time after time.
Sweetie, this toaster is extra wide
so you can get four bagels in there
instead of the usual two.
Thank you, Santa.
-You're welcome.
Santa, this toaster was already
promised to a cowpoke named Nolan.
Hand it over to the kid, Snow Puff.
All right, let's get this line
moving. Who's next?
All-righty,
and what do you want for Christmas?
And finally... Ho-ho-ho.
Merry Christmas.
What's your name, little boy?
-Esteban.
All right, let's see what we have
here today for Esteban.
Look at this.
A Eureka Boss cordless
rechargeable vacuum cleaner.
No, thank you.
Well...
l don't know what else
l have here for you, buddy.
What do you want for Christmas?
To go home.
l want to be with mi mama,
mi papa...
Grandmothers and grandfathers,
and my dog,
and have a Christmas tree,
and lights, and angels,
and Christmas cookies.
With little red and green sprinkles
on top,
and plum pudding,
and Christmas carols...
Aw, sugar doll, I miss you so much.
l don't want to fence stolen goods
no more.
l'd like you to come home.
Please,
you know I didn't mean to hurt you.
How will I get through the holidays?
l just needed to talk to my dad
or Tracey.
Are either of them there?
Gee, your dad and Tracey
went to the mall.
lt's just me, holding down the fort.
We are all so excited
you're coming home.
We've got the tree all set up.
lt looks great.
I've just been shopping and cooking,
cooking and shopping.
Speaking of which, your sweater size,
you're a 38, right?
Yeah, I guess.
Where are you now?
Are you on your way home?
Yeah, look, I gotta run.
So you take care, now. OK?
OK.
-Bye.
Bye.
l gotta tell you, although l've only
been your elf for a short time,
l feel like a new man, changed.
Do I look changed to you?
Maybe on the inside, where it counts.
That's it. l've changed
on the inside.
l'm going home for Christmas.
-Home?
I thought you were going east.
-Back the other way.
Nolan, I saved your butt back there.
Don't you owe me something?
Yes, I do.
Didn't mean to leave you hanging.
Merry Christmas.
What?
-Can I have a word with you?
What is it?
- lt's my wife, Marjorie.
She left me last month.
lf I got her back home for Christmas,
l know we could start again.
Why are you telling me this?
-She won't listen to me.
l got a hunch
she might listen to Santa.
lf you walked into her restaurant
and asked her to forgive me,
she'd come home.
She left you, right?
So where's your dignity?
Don't go crawling back to her.
Let her come grovelling back.
Maybe you're right. Why drive to
Nebraska just to get slammed again?
Wait, Nebraska? As in east of here?
lt's about a six-hour trip.
What's the matter with you?
You married her
but you won't take a little drive?
Max, what did you do
that made your wife so mad
that she'd take a job 300 miles away?
l stayed at Smitty's
till 3:00 one morning.
That doesn't seem so bad.
With an old girlfriend.
Here's the deal.
lf I get Marjorie to come home,
you buy me a bus ticket to New York.
lf you can get Marjorie
to come home for Christmas,
l'll buy you a bus ticket
to the moon.
All right.
Looking good.
l got kind of a weird call
from Jake while you were out.
He didn't say where
he was calling from.
l'm pretty sure he's on the road.
l hope he's gonna make it.
There is not an obstacle
in this world
that will keep my son from this car.
My God, there's a scratch.
Where?
Get a life, Dad.
See you.
She's ready for you, son.
Wherever you are.
There she is, right there.
Isn't she the most beautiful thing
you've ever seen?
Yeah, no doubt.
What do you want me to tell her?
That if she doesn't come home,
l'll die.
Good. Die.
Now, don't you think
you're being a little bit harsh?
Harsh? He kissed that tramp
in front of everybody at Smitty's.
l'm sure it was a friendly kiss.
Brother-sister.
There was tongue.
-There was not.
There was too, you big pig.
Everybody saw it.
It wasn't me kissing her.
It was the Jgermeister.
We made a commitment, Max,
to honour and obey
for better or for worse.
OK, this is worse.
He really burns my biscuits.
Let me handle this one.
Don't you think you should give Max
another chance?
Maybe this is a misunderstanding.
He kissed her.
How do you misunderstand that?
l'm sure
he didn't mean to hurt you.
This other couple I know
were upset about a misunderstanding.
What's wrong with them?
-They had a trip back east.
He cancelled last minute. He wanted
to take her to Cabo San Lucas.
She thought he was being selfish,
which was a misunderstanding.
No, he sounds like a jerk.
No, he's not.
lf she had understood,
she would have realised he has
a stepmother he doesn't like.
What's wrong with her?
The dad married her
ten months after his wife died.
She must be a babe.
Why is he mad at the stepmother?
lt's not her fault.
Isn't ten months a little soon?
Not if she's a babe.
What does this have to do
with me and Max?
Misunderstandings can be overcome
if both people just try.
Right now, Max has a broken heart.
All he's asking for
is a second chance.
Just give him another shot.
How's about a top-up on this coffee?
You know what, l've got a job to do.
How did it go?
-You know what a swirly is?
You mean when somebody jabs your head
in a toilet bowl?
lt was pretty much like that.
Get in there
and say something romantic.
Something apologetic.
Something in English.
All right, already.
l got an idea.
Oh, Marjorie, oh, Marjorie
I need to have you home
Oh, Marjorie, oh, Marjorie
I need to have you home
l'm sorry I was just
an insensitive jerk that night
I hope that singing this song
will make everything all right
You're not the only one.
Oh, Marjorie, oh, baby
Oh, baby, oh, baby
l'll make it up to you on the
velvet skirt of the Christmas tree
See you're my wife
l'd give my life
lf you'd just come home
Now on your knees.
Now on your knees...
Do it, don't sing it!
l'm so sorry, baby.
Won't you please...
Here's your ticket.
Your bus will be here in ten minutes.
Well, see you.
Hey, Santa.
-Yeah?
l hope that other couple you know
works through their
misunderstandings.
Me too.
What other couple?
lt doesn't matter.
lt's just you and me, baby.
You know what l've always wondered?
What?
Out of all the planets
in the universe,
how is it that this is the only one
that spawned intelligent life?
Yeah.
You know what I always wonder about?
What?
How come more breakfast joints
don't serve you food in the skillet.
Like Betty's.
They give you your meat,
eggs, spuds in the pan.
That rocks.
Like when a homeless guy
says he's the messiah.
Then he asks for money
and you want to walk away.
Then you think to yourself,
what if he is the messiah
and l'm just blowing the dude off?
Think about it.
l take back what I said
about intelligent life on earth.
Hey, look at that.
Velveeta! Come on, now.
That's why we have to stay there.
Come on, where would you rather go?
Another dumpy motel
or a fake Bavarian village
in the middle of nowhere?
l don't think it's Eddie.
l think it's totally Eddie.
lt's completely cheesy
and trying to be cool.
When will you stop
being mean to the Ed Man?
When you stop referring to yourself
in the third person.
Maybe I should just go with it.
Check this out.
Tell me what's better.
Merry Christmas.
Well, the first one's good
for really little kids,
like my sister, who's three.
The second one's good for big kids
like my friends and me.
The third one's good
if you want to scare people
and watch them run away screaming.
OK, cool, thanks.
-Whatever.
...New York, New York due in...
Look at that.
The clock man
is sexually harassing the clock lady.
How typical.
Don't witness it.
You might have to testify.
Wow, Eddie, that was actually clever.
l'm a witty guy.
You think this astonishing physique
is all the Ed Man has to offer?
Well, take this, Ed Man.
Oh, my God, you're so dead.
You're gonna get it so bad.
Wendy Richards
reporting from Edelbrck, Iowa,
site of the world-famous human clock.
The temperature outside
stands at 31 degrees
but the temperature is always warmer
underneath the mistletoe arch.
Here's a couple now.
You kids know where you're standing?
l'll kill him.
-Your attention, please.
The bus to New York is now boarding.
All passengers...
l think you just stopped being mean
to me.
Excuse me. Conway?
-Get behind the yellow line.
Just a second. I need a favour.
-Behind the yellow line!
l realise you're on a schedule,
it being the holidays.
Would you take a detour to Edelbrck?
l think everyone would enjoy it.
But I wouldn't.
What if we...?
-No.
No, got it.
That is very good. Look at that.
Sorry we only had one room left
tonight, it being Christmas.
You'll find that it's very special.
Wilkommen to your honeymoon suite.
Is this yours?
No. Not yours either?
Then whose is it?
Human liver?
Organ donation?
My God, we've got a live liver here.
Deliver to Allie Henderson in
Edelbrck ASAP.
Think it's real?
-Take a look.
We need to get to Edelbrck.
OK, everybody sit down.
What is wrong with you?
Behind the yellow line.
-Don't give me your lip.
l don't believe you. A girl in
Edelbrck needs a liver transplant.
We got a schedule to keep.
Schedule schmedule.
-Shame on you.
This isn't about schedules, man.
lt's the gift of life,
the greatest Christmas gift ever.
We even have Santa
to bring it to her.
This is a non-stop bus to New York.
This is happening for a reason.
We were put on this bus
to take this organ to Edelbrck.
You think I don't care
about that little girl? You're wrong.
We're going to Edelbrck
but because I say we are.
Everybody, behind the yellow line
and sit down.
lt's funny, Eddie.
l never thought l'd end up
in the same bed with you.
Yet, somehow with you here,
l feel safe.
Want me to put on any more clothes?
No, that should be fine.
l'm giving you ten minutes.
You find that girl, Santa!
Go, Santa!
Everybody, sit down.
Can you tell me
if there is an Allie Henderson here?
Sorry, Santa, l'm not allowed
to give out information on guests.
Listen, I have a full plate
of activities tonight,
not to mention a pesky grinch
who was kidnapped Mrs Claus,
in attempt to make
my life miserable.
l'm sorry, Santa, but that's policy.
Policy? Policy does not apply to me.
l override policy.
l want to know
where my girlfriend is.
Maintenance.
Where is he?
What are you doing here?
Why are you dressed like Santa Claus?
l had to hijack a bus.
Eddie and his buddies
left me in the desert like this.
Desert, Santa, buzzard, tumbleweed.
What gives with you
kissing that slimy moron?
lt's not what you think.
-What are you doing here?
This lovenest is full.
-Calm down, nothing happened.
Whoa, where's the trust, man?
l saw you kissing her on TV,
you dirtbag.
He got me under the mistletoe
for two seconds, big deal.
lt was more like five seconds.
And they were good.
Foul. Fighting foul.
How could you let that idiot
give you a ride?
l thought you left me high and dry.
What was I supposed to do?
Beam myself home.
l was stuck in the desert.
l couldn't get to you.
l had no choice.
OK, I forgive you.
So, are you still mad at me?
Yo, if anyone should be mad here,
it should be me.
l had to listen to Natalie Merchant
and Easy Cummings.
EE Cummings.
l've been stuck in a Santa suit
for two days
fighting off buzzards, dentures
and thugs in lederhosen.
l'm tired, l'm hungry, I stink.
Because of you, l'm not going
to be home by 6:00 tonight.
Why do you have to be home by 6:00?
What's that?
You heard.
Why do you have to be home by 6:00?
Because that's when dinner
will be ready?
lf you had even one decent chromosome
in your DNA,
you will not lie to me.
All right.
lt's just that, if I get home by then
my dad's gonna give me the Porsche.
Wait.
So you didn't trade Cabo for me,
you traded it for a car.
lt's not like that.
-You deserve each other.
Allie, wait.
Will you stop and listen to me?
lf I had to do it all over again,
l probably wouldn't mention the car.
What? I was kidding.
You don't care about anybody.
You're a manipulator and a liar.
I am not a liar.
-Wait a minute.
You're the transplant girl?
Is that what Santa told you?
Right.
l'm taking his place on the bus.
-Give me another chance.
Why?
-Because I care about you.
You gotta believe me.
lf you showed up
in a one-horse open sleigh,
l wouldn't believe you.
l'm sorry.
l can't take fake remorse
from a fake Santa
making fake apologies.
You might be a fake boyfriend.
l tell you,
you're a genuine butthole.
I got rolled
The one I love is gone
I got rolled...
Man, l've seen guys get dumped
but that was nuclear.
She wasn't even aiming at me
and l'll be walking funny for a week.
How do girls do that?
lts like that whole chick
verbal skills thing. It's deadly.
Man, I gotta tell you, bro,
l would never have thought
l'd help you out.
After that massacre,
l just wouldn't be human.
God, I never thought
l'd drive home with you.
lt's pretty wild.
-Sure is.
All right, I get back in time
to get the Porsche.
l drive it back in January.
Figure out how to get Allie back.
Everything will be great.
Thanks, Ed Man.
Sure.
Get out.
-What?
All that stuff.
Sorry, man, I just can't do that much
good stuff for another person.
lt'd be bad for my rep.
What are you talking about?
What about that stuff you said
about being human?
l just took you to Wisconsin.
Besides, what am I doing
helping you out
so you can get a Porsche
and be cooler than me?
Not very smart.
Not very Eddie.
You're gonna have to take that off.
Yeah, I know that.
Father Christmas, just tell me
what you want from me.
Better hurry.
lt's called carbo-loading.
Best thing you can do
before a race like this.
Hi, l'd like a number, please.
OK, that'll be a $10 entrance fee.
You know, I mailed that in.
Oh, OK, so we sent you a receipt.
Yes, you did, but, you see,
here's the dilly.
There was a house fire.
Everything got torched.
Personal papers.
-Excuse me.
The clay handprint ashtray
l made at three.
Tragic tale. l'll cover the kid.
Thanks. Jake Wilkinson.
Jeff Wilson.
Your hat and beard.
You've got to have them on
when you cross the finish line.
Here we go again.
Can anyone in this race actually run?
Sparky Fanoloni won the state
marathon ten years ago.
That was before the two-pack-a-day
habit and the lung removal.
This guy will give us a run
for his money.
Kenyan?
-Yes.
All Santas to the starting line.
See you at the finish line.
Go, Santas, go!
Santas, to your marks.
On your marks.
Get set.
Hey, Jingleballs.
Move your candy canes.
Come on, guys, keep going.
Want a cookie?
That's the end of that.
Or not.
Looks like it's you and me now.
Ready to run for it?
-I was born ready.
Your hat!
Congratulations.
Jake, thank God.
They're gonna try to arrest me.
Come down and meet me
at the station.
Taxi.
Santa says, take me to the airport.
Hey, there.
Hey, you're the kid who beat
Mayor Wilson in the Santa 5K.
Yep, that's me.
Wait a minute. Mayor Wilson?
-You didn't know?
He wins every year. A lot of us folks
wish he'd won this year too.
He seemed a good guy.
Keeps the potholes filled?
He also donates his entire winnings
every year
to buy turkeys
for people who can't afford them.
He had to be the man.
Can you turn around, please?
l'll be right back.
When did Santa start
using the mailbox?
Didn't you hear
about the new exchange program?
The postman will come down
your chimney later.
You got someplace to go?
Yeah, it's Christmas Eve.
Who doesn't?
l could set a place for you.
No, thanks. l'll be fine.
Merry Christmas.
-You too.
Yes, operator,
it's collect from Jake.
Tracey, accept the... Thank you.
My, dear brother,
you are sounding slightly stressed.
Is it the bumblebees again?
Tracey, l'm not going make it home.
l want you to tell Dad.
What do you mean
you're not going to make it home?
Is this about Carolyn?
-No.
lt's about being stuck in the middle
of nowhere with no money.
At the rate l'm going,
l'll show up in January.
Merry Christmas,
Happy New Year, see you.
Wait. What about the Porsche?
What about it?
-You really must be in trouble.
Would you fly home now if you could?
Like, yeah.
l've got four years of birthday money
upstairs in my ballerina bag.
lf I went to a ticket agent now
and bought you a ticket home,
you'd make it in time for Christmas?
You'd do that for me?
No.
l'd do it for Dad.
Plus, think of the pleasure l'll have
holding this over your head
for the rest of our lives.
OK, whatever you want.
l'm near Madison, Wisconsin.
l'll hitch a ride to the airport.
Wait, I don't have lD.
How will I pick up the ticket?
l know. l'll make up a secret
password that only you would know.
Great, what?
l am a smelly and revolting jerk
who doesn't deserve to live.
Bingo. Wilkinson, Jake.
lt's an unusual password.
-Unusual everything.
What time's the flight leave?
-20 minutes.
l'll need a picture lD.
-I just gave you my password.
Right, but I can't let you on the
plane without proper lD.
What was the point of my password?
I don't make the rules, it's...
-Policy, I know.
Thank you.
Next.
Good Ringo.
Merry Christmas to you, too.
Bad Ringo.
Hey, a dog.
Excuse me.
Merry Christmas, Santa. Got a ticket?
No.
This is Pelham.
Next stop, New Rochelle,
followed by Larchmont...
Even a bribe couldn't get him home.
He still has 15 minutes.
Lady, give me a ride? Please?
Give Santa a ride?
Will anybody take me to Larchmont?
Hi, Santa Claus.
Wait, don't turn left.
Don't turn. Go straight.
The package people,
do not unwrap yourselves.
l repeat, do not unwrap yourselves.
You unwrap yourself,
you are out of my parade.
Do I make myself clear?
All right.
-What do you think you're doing?
Buddy.
l could have sworn
l parked that sleigh here.
All is calm
All is right
Round yon Virgin,
Mother and Child...
Sorry.
Come on, Jake. You can make it.
Nice ride.
Thanks.
Just got him back from the shop.
The elves upgraded his shoes
to the new Firestone radials.
Not bad.
Maybe you should have thought
about snow tyres.
You said even if Santa showed up
in a one-horse open sleigh,
you still wouldn't believe
that I cared about you.
So I don't expect this to work.
But I gotta give it a shot.
You know, l'm not the real Santa.
Contrary to all appearances,
this is not a real sleigh.
But, Allie, for all the times
l've been a genuine jerk...
this is a real apology.
lf you'll accept it.
l might.
And this...
is a real kiss.
Come with me to my house.
l have two minutes.
This isn't about the Porsche?
-Come on.
I don't want...
-Trust me.
Shepherds quake
At the...
Let's eat.
What time is it?
lt's 5:59.
You made it.
Yeah, I guess I did.
Tell me when it's after 6:00, OK?
What do you mean,
aren't you going in?
No, not yet.
But I thought...
Just watch.
-Watch what?
My family.
l guess it's about time
l went home for Christmas.
Care to join me?
You bet.
Hey, everybody! Merry Christmas.
He made it.
You made it.
l'm glad you're here.
-Me too.
Hard time getting here?
-Piece of cake.
What's with the Santa suit?
-Long story.
You stink.
Farting dog, cargo hold,
longer story.
Son...
She's yours.
But I didn't make it home on time.
You were seconds late.
A deal's a deal.
Besides, she isn't ready yet.
What do you mean?
We're not really finished fixing her
up yet, are we?
l'm sure it'll take a bunch more
Christmases to get the work done.
Don't you think?
30 or 40 at least.
Excuse me?
-My sweater size. l'm a 36.
Or a medium. Either will work.
What's yours?
Mine?
-Yeah, for future information.
Eight.
l'll remember that.
What is that?
That would be my parade.
Your parade?
-Excuse me?
Wait a minute, that's our sleigh.
That's the guy. Come on.
Let's get him.
Buddy, you stole our sleigh.
You're lucky you're wearing
that suit.
A few days ago,
l might not have agreed with you.
Nice wings.
Thanks.
I took a sewing class.
- lt shows.
Peace.
Santa, give me a ride home.
Let's all go for a ride.
l love it. l've never been
in a sleigh before.
Make this buggy rip, bro.
12-32-14!
Jake, thank God, let me out.
Did you get my mail?
Math test.
A minus.
You made it look just good enough.
Did you score me
backstage passes to Dave Matthews?
That's my man. All right.
12-32... what was that last number
again? 168?
14, Jake.
All right, calm down, I got you.
Thanks.
-You're welcome.
Ian, what is the deal with you being
sardined into your locker again?
Eddie Taffett
and his troglodyte trio.
They're bugged
about the phoney lDs we sold.
l'll take care of them later.
Get on the net.
Change that ticket my dad got me
to New York
and book two seats to Cabo San Lucas.
Will you be taking Allie?
-Working on that now.
Morning, ladies.
Do those things work?
-Yeah, wanna see?
No, it's OK.
Zone defence? Guess l'm not
going to be able to get in.
Unless... What's this?
Cherry crunch?
-Would I bring you anything else?
l'm sure that tastes good here.
lt would taste better someplace else.
What are you doing here?
You said you wanted to see what it
would be like to wake up next to me.
Oh, good line.
Premeditated or spontaneous?
Totally off the cuff.
l was inspired by the lovely sight
of you drooling.
l wasn't drooling, I was sleeping.
Sleeping?
l can't sleep, l've got to study.
You were studying subliminally.
You were absorbing it off the page
through osmosis.
Give me that.
Look, my final is in three hours.
You're here, just distracting me,
so get out of here.
No problem. Suit yourself.
l just wanted to let you know
there's a freak storm. Snowing.
Snowing?
We're in southern California.
lt's not...
My God.
lt's snowing.
Jake, you lunatic.
Where did you get a snow machine?
lt's a white Christmas,
just like home.
And here's a little Christmas cheer.
Egg nog?
My mother makes this from scratch.
And one more thing.
More? Do I detect
an overage of niceness going on here?
Just read it.
Two tickets to Cabo San Lucas,
Christmas on the beach.
Amazing.
-I knew you'd be...
Pissed.
This is the most inconsiderate thing.
l have plans
that are important to me.
lt's not like l'm asking you
to sleep in a Porta Potti.
A condo overlooking the ocean.
Forget it. You know I am driving home
to visit my family.
Tell them what I told my dad.
You're gonna be in the gym
for the next two weeks
in preparation for Ultimate Fighting.
That's what you told him?
-Sure.
When he found out I wanted
to stay here, he was relieved.
But I want to go home.
l want a traditional Christmas
with snow and stockings
and egg nog and carollers.
l thought we could have fun
this Christmas.
You thought that you could have fun.
But what about everybody else?
Mom and Dad would be crushed
if I didn't come home.
What about your dad
and your sister and Carolyn?
Bringing up my dad's new wife
drains me of my Christmas spirit.
All l'm saying is, don't you think
it's time you went home?
Hey, there. Looking good today.
Thanks, Eddie,
you're looking nice today, too.
l'm not talking to you, Wilkinson.
Allie, what perfume
are you wearing today?
Excuse me?
l got three words for you.
New. Car. Smell.
lt would smell so good on you.
Come here and check it out.
l got one word for you. Beemer.
Stand away from the vehicle.
You got to be kidding me.
So it's Disco lnferno Night
at the Viper Room, right?
lt's me and the Murph Man
and the Ed Man and the Ken Man.
We were waiting in line
for half the night.
The bouncer finally gives us
the nod.
We go over there
and debut our brand-new lDs.
The dude goes...
-Bye-bye.
No one says bye-bye
to the Brandt Man.
Fellas.
What can I say? My subcontractor
has been slacking off.
l want to make this up to you.
l have a foolproof method
that will guarantee
you ace your History final.
But if you'd rather see
your grades crash and burn.
lt's up to you.
No cost?
Of course there's no cost
for the answers.
l couldn't do that to you.
You guys are my buds.
However, there is a nominal fee
for the beeper rental.
Wilkinson residence.
l'm sorry,
he can't come to the phone right now.
He's busy accessorising.
Jake, it's your dad.
See you.
How are things at the office?
-We're all off for the holidays.
l sent everybody home at noon.
Great. Getting ready for ski season?
Yeah, I just got my bindings fixed.
Look, l'm calling to find out
about you.
Are you still planning
to come home for Christmas?
l'd like to but I gotta stay on
campus and finish up that lab work...
Cos I got a call from my
travel agent.
He says the ticket I sent you was
cashed in for two to Cabo San Lucas.
He says somebody
sabotaged his computer file.
What kind of a world
are we living in?
Is the convenience of technology
worth the loss to our privacy?
Who would do such a thing?
Where will it end?
l agreed to let you go off
to school in California.
But you haven't been home
for the holidays since Mom died.
l think it's time
that we become a family again.
lf you were 18, where would you
rather be for Christmas?
At home with your family
or in Cabo
on the beach with a beautiful girl?
Allie's parents say she is coming
home like always.
l just really want you home, son.
Me too.
-As does Carol.
No.
-And Tracey, we all want you home.
Well, I just don't think
l can get there.
Not even if l... give you the Porsche?
Excuse me?
The Porsche?
The 195 Porsche?
The same one we rebuilt by hand
together
with the kid-glove interiors
and the original paint?
l tell you what, if you're home
when we sit down to dinner,
6:00, Christmas Eve, the car's yours.
6:00.
Not one minute past. Understand?
Yes, sir.
-We'll see you then.
Great. Bye.
You are mine.
All mine.
He cashes in the tickets
and you offer him a bribe?
Do you see anything wrong
with this picture?
Yeah, I do, but...
-But what?
Jake's coming home for Christmas.
OK, I got to go pack, you guys.
See you in an hour?
Nice try but no chance.
Must be defective.
l estimated it would be another five
hours till you tried to make up.
That's funny.
l estimate that it takes five hours
to fly to Larchmont, New York.
l thought you cashed your ticket in.
l cashed it back in
for tickets to New York.
Will you please accept my apology
and come home with me for Christmas?
You're unbelievable.
Tell me about it.
Ripley is doing a special on me.
So, why the sudden change of heart?
l guess you got to me with
all that sentimental family stuff.
l'm glad you're coming around.
lf you don't have family,
what do you have?
So, do you want to come over
and help me pack?
l can't. I gotta go tutor some jocks.
You're such a compassionate man!
l am a giver.
Pick you up tomorrow morning, 8:00.
This better work.
Run.
Look out.
What's taking so long?
Sorry, Ms Peterson.
-Coach likes to stay in touch.
Driving a Porsche, it's like
you have a relationship with it.
lt knows you. It's listening
and just responding.
So true.
Downshifting?
You don't know what it is
until you downshift a Porsche.
You are a lucky man.
-So true.
So, Jake, are you feeling lucky?
Immensely.
l think that's all about to change.
Something wrong, fellas?
You think you're a wiseguy?
lt's real funny to make us
look like morons?
What are you talking about?
-The beepers, dipstick.
Where's lan?
12-32-14.
l'm sure there's some explanation.
Let me make a call.
We're done explaining.
Boys.
All right, see you later.
Have a good break.
All right, Jake, where are you?
God, I wish I were dead.
l said I wished I were dead.
Let's see you sweet-talk your way
out of this.
Eddie and the boys.
The last time
l do business with those guys.
Go on, get out of here.
You glued it on, didn't you,
you jerks?
The hat too?
This is not acceptable.
Sit. Roll over.
Die.
Hey, it's Jake, you found me.
ldiot.
-Who's an idiot?
l am.
Jake flaked, huh?
What a surprise. Lucky for you,
the Ed Man is here to the rescue.
What do you say we blow
this Popsicle stand?
You're loving this, aren't you?
Pretty much, yeah.
OK, let's go.
-All right.
No, allow me. I got it.
The ultimate in irony.
1 Academy kids
are driving back east this winter
and I get a ride with you.
Just the two of us, riding
the crest of destiny's rainbow.
Sharing. Caring. A pair for the ages.
OK, hold on, first the ground rules.
lf you say to me things like that,
l'll have to slug you.
lf you say anything nasty about Jake,
l'll have to slug you.
lf you try to feel me up,
l'll have to slug you.
lf you make me listen to any sexist,
racist or homophobic jokes,
l'm gonna have to slug you.
And finally, I might have to slug you
from time to time
simply because I find the prospect
of this incredibly stressful.
All right, sounds like a party to me.
So, what shall we listen to?
Jewel, Sarah, Fiona?
l'm in a sensitive mood, aren't you?
Cut the crap. l'm already in the car.
All right, let's burn this baby.
New York, yeah!
See you, lovebirds.
Hey, it's Allie. You got the machine.
Allie, it's me. Listen, I am so...
Desert, Santa, buzzard, tumbleweed.
This totally sucks.
You got a mean disposition
for a Santa.
l need to make another phone call.
Long distance?
What from here is not long distance?
lt's Jake.
-Where are you?
l'm in the middle of nowhere,
dressed like Santa,
being attacked by tumbleweed.
Cool.
-Get me Dad.
When did I become your slave?
-The day you were born.
Right.
lt's the prodigal son.
Hello, Father.
Jake, you sound funny.
Are you at the airport?
l've had some setbacks but if you
wire me money, l'll make it home.
Just what kind of a bind are you in?
He's in the middle of nowhere
dressed as Santa
being attacked by a bumblebee.
Tumbleweed!
Otherwise, like she said.
That is the worst alibi
in a long line of bad alibis.
But it's all true.
-That's what you always say.
l know, but I really need your help
to make it home on time.
Look, we had a deal.
lt is up to you to get home
on Christmas Eve
or forget about the Porsche.
Excuse me.
l couldn't help overhearing.
You're trying to get home
for Christmas
and your father won't help you?
lt's not that, it's just...
He's so worried about the operation.
He's not thinking clearly.
-Operation?
Yeah.
The whole family chipped in and got
him a triple bypass for Christmas.
l sent home every last dollar l
earned as a shopping mall Santa.
The operation's on Christmas Eve.
Now I won't be home until after
the anaesthesia wears off.
Oh, dear.
You know, me and the girls are
driving to Vegas to see Tom Jones.
We're Tom Tom Girls.
You want to ride with us?
Do you have What's New, Pussycat?
Do we have
What's New, Pussycat?
What's New, Pussycat?
Can we crack open a window?
Do you think it's funny
how easily old people
can catch pneumonia?
Do you think that's a joke?
No, it's just I had a hard night
and l'm not feeling so well.
Get out of there.
Mama's teeth have fallen
out of her mouth again.
Just wedge them back in, dear.
OK, Santa Claus.
Make yourself useful.
Put those right back in her mouth.
Gherkins, anyone?
For Pete's sake!
Oh, well, that's lovely.
-What happened?
Santa just yammied in your handbag.
There he goes again.
-Stop him.
Get up.
Did I hurt you, Santa? Good.
All right, buster. Out you get.
Get out of here.
And take your beard with you.
l never heard of such a thing.
lmagine.
Yammying in my sister's handbag.
There you go, that's five.
Desert, Santa, buzzard, tumbleweed.
Oh, I love this game.
Which word is not like the others?
Santa?
-No, idiot.
lt's a message Jake left
on my machine.
Bizarre, huh?
Oh, my God.
What's wrong with you?
We gotta go.
We're way behind schedule.
Wait!
This is the worst day of my life.
And it just got worse.
Ho-ho-ho, tubby.
Secret fat-man handshake. All right.
Confidentially speaking,
between us Santas,
don't you get tired of this suit?
Every year, it's the same suit.
Red, red, red.
Does any guy really look good in red?
l don't think so.
Got room in the sledge for two?
Thanks.
l really appreciate it. You're a pal.
You're not so cute in the morning.
l'm glad nothing happened.
You just slugged me.
-As per our agreement.
Wake up, chief, time to feed
the reindeer.
All right, l'm going.
Merry Christmas to you too.
l went and killed Santa.
Thank God.
Hang on, Santa, l'm coming.
Hold on.
Am I alive?
l have never been happier
to answer that question.
Yes, you are alive.
You've been asked that before?
-Maybe ten, 12 times.
Allie, can I ask you something?
-Shoot.
Look, l'm a millennial type of guy.
l dig world music,
l think freons should be banned,
l'm all about yoga
and macrobiotic food.
l'm in touch with my inner child.
Is the question coming before Ohio?
What l'm getting at is...
what does Jake have
that I haven't got?
lt's the stuff he comes up with.
Funny things.
Amazing things.
Things that just give me the chills.
Give me an example
of one of these chills.
There was this one time
l was feeling really bad.
lt was really just a down day.
Jake took my hand in his
and being really sweet he said...
Not even the rain
has such small hands.
Not even the rain
has such small hands?
What a nerd.
lt's E.E. Cummings.
Poetry, Eddie.
That gave you chills?
You wouldn't understand.
What?
Not even the corn has such big ears.
That's beautiful. l'm really moved.
Cos if it's poetry you want,
l got it, baby.
There once was a man from
Nantucket...
Just drive the car, Eddie.
Man, oh, man.
l was sure you were a goner.
Nolan, it's been two hours. I can't
have this conversation any more.
What conversation?
The one where you go you were sure
l was a goner
and I go, that was a close one.
A Pathfinder. Catch up with them.
-Who's them?
My girlfriend.
-No kidding. All the way out here?
Wait a minute. Are you saying
that's Mrs Claus in that car?
With another guy?
Mrs Claus stepping out on Santa?
Letting some other guy
down the chimney?
Why, that two-timing ho!
Nolan, reality check.
Say no more, Santa. l'm after them.
Nolan, I said catch them,
try not to kill us.
There's a cop behind us. Slow down.
Cops make me nervous.
l'm gonna make a run for it.
Are you nuts?
Daddy always said, it's better
to go out in a blaze of glory
than to rot
in a state correctional facility.
You're about to tell me
the stuff in the back is stolen?
l won't if you don't want me to.
Stop the car, Nolan.
All right, come on, Jake. Think.
l know. Put this on. Act like my elf.
How do elves act?
-I don't know.
Happy.
-Happy?
Merry Christmas, officer. Problem?
ln a bit of a hurry, aren't you?
That's my fault.
Busy time of year for me.
l'm an elf.
-So it seems.
Do you realise
you were going 9 in a 65 mph zone?
You should try catching me
in my sleigh.
You see, officer,
my elf Snow Puff and l
are heading to the children's
hospital in the next town.
You mean Redcliff?
-Exactly.
To distribute toys to the youngsters.
Sorry if in my haste I sped up a bit,
but every second counts
to a bedridden child.
All right, l'll tell you what.
No more speeding, OK, Santa?
65 stay alive.
Merry Christmas.
-Thank you, officer.
And that is how the big boys do it.
You know what?
My shift ends in a few minutes.
Follow me.
l'll get you there in no time.
That's how the big boys do it?
Shut up, Nolan.
So close yet so far.
Please stay in the car.
l guess he couldn't hear you.
Thank you, officer.
Do y'all mind if I go in there
with you?
l'd like to see the kids' faces
when you give them their gifts.
The more, the merrier.
l want a pony
and a Barbie dreamhouse...
That's all great stuff but Santa
will give you something better.
A KitchenAid Classic Plus toaster
with exclusive AcuToast sensor
for consistent toasting
time after time.
Sweetie, this toaster is extra wide
so you can get four bagels in there
instead of the usual two.
Thank you, Santa.
-You're welcome.
Santa, this toaster was already
promised to a cowpoke named Nolan.
Hand it over to the kid, Snow Puff.
All right, let's get this line
moving. Who's next?
All-righty,
and what do you want for Christmas?
And finally... Ho-ho-ho.
Merry Christmas.
What's your name, little boy?
-Esteban.
All right, let's see what we have
here today for Esteban.
Look at this.
A Eureka Boss cordless
rechargeable vacuum cleaner.
No, thank you.
Well...
l don't know what else
l have here for you, buddy.
What do you want for Christmas?
To go home.
l want to be with mi mama,
mi papa...
Grandmothers and grandfathers,
and my dog,
and have a Christmas tree,
and lights, and angels,
and Christmas cookies.
With little red and green sprinkles
on top,
and plum pudding,
and Christmas carols...
Aw, sugar doll, I miss you so much.
l don't want to fence stolen goods
no more.
l'd like you to come home.
Please,
you know I didn't mean to hurt you.
How will I get through the holidays?
l just needed to talk to my dad
or Tracey.
Are either of them there?
Gee, your dad and Tracey
went to the mall.
lt's just me, holding down the fort.
We are all so excited
you're coming home.
We've got the tree all set up.
lt looks great.
I've just been shopping and cooking,
cooking and shopping.
Speaking of which, your sweater size,
you're a 38, right?
Yeah, I guess.
Where are you now?
Are you on your way home?
Yeah, look, I gotta run.
So you take care, now. OK?
OK.
-Bye.
Bye.
l gotta tell you, although l've only
been your elf for a short time,
l feel like a new man, changed.
Do I look changed to you?
Maybe on the inside, where it counts.
That's it. l've changed
on the inside.
l'm going home for Christmas.
-Home?
I thought you were going east.
-Back the other way.
Nolan, I saved your butt back there.
Don't you owe me something?
Yes, I do.
Didn't mean to leave you hanging.
Merry Christmas.
What?
-Can I have a word with you?
What is it?
- lt's my wife, Marjorie.
She left me last month.
lf I got her back home for Christmas,
l know we could start again.
Why are you telling me this?
-She won't listen to me.
l got a hunch
she might listen to Santa.
lf you walked into her restaurant
and asked her to forgive me,
she'd come home.
She left you, right?
So where's your dignity?
Don't go crawling back to her.
Let her come grovelling back.
Maybe you're right. Why drive to
Nebraska just to get slammed again?
Wait, Nebraska? As in east of here?
lt's about a six-hour trip.
What's the matter with you?
You married her
but you won't take a little drive?
Max, what did you do
that made your wife so mad
that she'd take a job 300 miles away?
l stayed at Smitty's
till 3:00 one morning.
That doesn't seem so bad.
With an old girlfriend.
Here's the deal.
lf I get Marjorie to come home,
you buy me a bus ticket to New York.
lf you can get Marjorie
to come home for Christmas,
l'll buy you a bus ticket
to the moon.
All right.
Looking good.
l got kind of a weird call
from Jake while you were out.
He didn't say where
he was calling from.
l'm pretty sure he's on the road.
l hope he's gonna make it.
There is not an obstacle
in this world
that will keep my son from this car.
My God, there's a scratch.
Where?
Get a life, Dad.
See you.
She's ready for you, son.
Wherever you are.
There she is, right there.
Isn't she the most beautiful thing
you've ever seen?
Yeah, no doubt.
What do you want me to tell her?
That if she doesn't come home,
l'll die.
Good. Die.
Now, don't you think
you're being a little bit harsh?
Harsh? He kissed that tramp
in front of everybody at Smitty's.
l'm sure it was a friendly kiss.
Brother-sister.
There was tongue.
-There was not.
There was too, you big pig.
Everybody saw it.
It wasn't me kissing her.
It was the Jgermeister.
We made a commitment, Max,
to honour and obey
for better or for worse.
OK, this is worse.
He really burns my biscuits.
Let me handle this one.
Don't you think you should give Max
another chance?
Maybe this is a misunderstanding.
He kissed her.
How do you misunderstand that?
l'm sure
he didn't mean to hurt you.
This other couple I know
were upset about a misunderstanding.
What's wrong with them?
-They had a trip back east.
He cancelled last minute. He wanted
to take her to Cabo San Lucas.
She thought he was being selfish,
which was a misunderstanding.
No, he sounds like a jerk.
No, he's not.
lf she had understood,
she would have realised he has
a stepmother he doesn't like.
What's wrong with her?
The dad married her
ten months after his wife died.
She must be a babe.
Why is he mad at the stepmother?
lt's not her fault.
Isn't ten months a little soon?
Not if she's a babe.
What does this have to do
with me and Max?
Misunderstandings can be overcome
if both people just try.
Right now, Max has a broken heart.
All he's asking for
is a second chance.
Just give him another shot.
How's about a top-up on this coffee?
You know what, l've got a job to do.
How did it go?
-You know what a swirly is?
You mean when somebody jabs your head
in a toilet bowl?
lt was pretty much like that.
Get in there
and say something romantic.
Something apologetic.
Something in English.
All right, already.
l got an idea.
Oh, Marjorie, oh, Marjorie
I need to have you home
Oh, Marjorie, oh, Marjorie
I need to have you home
l'm sorry I was just
an insensitive jerk that night
I hope that singing this song
will make everything all right
You're not the only one.
Oh, Marjorie, oh, baby
Oh, baby, oh, baby
l'll make it up to you on the
velvet skirt of the Christmas tree
See you're my wife
l'd give my life
lf you'd just come home
Now on your knees.
Now on your knees...
Do it, don't sing it!
l'm so sorry, baby.
Won't you please...
Here's your ticket.
Your bus will be here in ten minutes.
Well, see you.
Hey, Santa.
-Yeah?
l hope that other couple you know
works through their
misunderstandings.
Me too.
What other couple?
lt doesn't matter.
lt's just you and me, baby.
You know what l've always wondered?
What?
Out of all the planets
in the universe,
how is it that this is the only one
that spawned intelligent life?
Yeah.
You know what I always wonder about?
What?
How come more breakfast joints
don't serve you food in the skillet.
Like Betty's.
They give you your meat,
eggs, spuds in the pan.
That rocks.
Like when a homeless guy
says he's the messiah.
Then he asks for money
and you want to walk away.
Then you think to yourself,
what if he is the messiah
and l'm just blowing the dude off?
Think about it.
l take back what I said
about intelligent life on earth.
Hey, look at that.
Velveeta! Come on, now.
That's why we have to stay there.
Come on, where would you rather go?
Another dumpy motel
or a fake Bavarian village
in the middle of nowhere?
l don't think it's Eddie.
l think it's totally Eddie.
lt's completely cheesy
and trying to be cool.
When will you stop
being mean to the Ed Man?
When you stop referring to yourself
in the third person.
Maybe I should just go with it.
Check this out.
Tell me what's better.
Merry Christmas.
Well, the first one's good
for really little kids,
like my sister, who's three.
The second one's good for big kids
like my friends and me.
The third one's good
if you want to scare people
and watch them run away screaming.
OK, cool, thanks.
-Whatever.
...New York, New York due in...
Look at that.
The clock man
is sexually harassing the clock lady.
How typical.
Don't witness it.
You might have to testify.
Wow, Eddie, that was actually clever.
l'm a witty guy.
You think this astonishing physique
is all the Ed Man has to offer?
Well, take this, Ed Man.
Oh, my God, you're so dead.
You're gonna get it so bad.
Wendy Richards
reporting from Edelbrck, Iowa,
site of the world-famous human clock.
The temperature outside
stands at 31 degrees
but the temperature is always warmer
underneath the mistletoe arch.
Here's a couple now.
You kids know where you're standing?
l'll kill him.
-Your attention, please.
The bus to New York is now boarding.
All passengers...
l think you just stopped being mean
to me.
Excuse me. Conway?
-Get behind the yellow line.
Just a second. I need a favour.
-Behind the yellow line!
l realise you're on a schedule,
it being the holidays.
Would you take a detour to Edelbrck?
l think everyone would enjoy it.
But I wouldn't.
What if we...?
-No.
No, got it.
That is very good. Look at that.
Sorry we only had one room left
tonight, it being Christmas.
You'll find that it's very special.
Wilkommen to your honeymoon suite.
Is this yours?
No. Not yours either?
Then whose is it?
Human liver?
Organ donation?
My God, we've got a live liver here.
Deliver to Allie Henderson in
Edelbrck ASAP.
Think it's real?
-Take a look.
We need to get to Edelbrck.
OK, everybody sit down.
What is wrong with you?
Behind the yellow line.
-Don't give me your lip.
l don't believe you. A girl in
Edelbrck needs a liver transplant.
We got a schedule to keep.
Schedule schmedule.
-Shame on you.
This isn't about schedules, man.
lt's the gift of life,
the greatest Christmas gift ever.
We even have Santa
to bring it to her.
This is a non-stop bus to New York.
This is happening for a reason.
We were put on this bus
to take this organ to Edelbrck.
You think I don't care
about that little girl? You're wrong.
We're going to Edelbrck
but because I say we are.
Everybody, behind the yellow line
and sit down.
lt's funny, Eddie.
l never thought l'd end up
in the same bed with you.
Yet, somehow with you here,
l feel safe.
Want me to put on any more clothes?
No, that should be fine.
l'm giving you ten minutes.
You find that girl, Santa!
Go, Santa!
Everybody, sit down.
Can you tell me
if there is an Allie Henderson here?
Sorry, Santa, l'm not allowed
to give out information on guests.
Listen, I have a full plate
of activities tonight,
not to mention a pesky grinch
who was kidnapped Mrs Claus,
in attempt to make
my life miserable.
l'm sorry, Santa, but that's policy.
Policy? Policy does not apply to me.
l override policy.
l want to know
where my girlfriend is.
Maintenance.
Where is he?
What are you doing here?
Why are you dressed like Santa Claus?
l had to hijack a bus.
Eddie and his buddies
left me in the desert like this.
Desert, Santa, buzzard, tumbleweed.
What gives with you
kissing that slimy moron?
lt's not what you think.
-What are you doing here?
This lovenest is full.
-Calm down, nothing happened.
Whoa, where's the trust, man?
l saw you kissing her on TV,
you dirtbag.
He got me under the mistletoe
for two seconds, big deal.
lt was more like five seconds.
And they were good.
Foul. Fighting foul.
How could you let that idiot
give you a ride?
l thought you left me high and dry.
What was I supposed to do?
Beam myself home.
l was stuck in the desert.
l couldn't get to you.
l had no choice.
OK, I forgive you.
So, are you still mad at me?
Yo, if anyone should be mad here,
it should be me.
l had to listen to Natalie Merchant
and Easy Cummings.
EE Cummings.
l've been stuck in a Santa suit
for two days
fighting off buzzards, dentures
and thugs in lederhosen.
l'm tired, l'm hungry, I stink.
Because of you, l'm not going
to be home by 6:00 tonight.
Why do you have to be home by 6:00?
What's that?
You heard.
Why do you have to be home by 6:00?
Because that's when dinner
will be ready?
lf you had even one decent chromosome
in your DNA,
you will not lie to me.
All right.
lt's just that, if I get home by then
my dad's gonna give me the Porsche.
Wait.
So you didn't trade Cabo for me,
you traded it for a car.
lt's not like that.
-You deserve each other.
Allie, wait.
Will you stop and listen to me?
lf I had to do it all over again,
l probably wouldn't mention the car.
What? I was kidding.
You don't care about anybody.
You're a manipulator and a liar.
I am not a liar.
-Wait a minute.
You're the transplant girl?
Is that what Santa told you?
Right.
l'm taking his place on the bus.
-Give me another chance.
Why?
-Because I care about you.
You gotta believe me.
lf you showed up
in a one-horse open sleigh,
l wouldn't believe you.
l'm sorry.
l can't take fake remorse
from a fake Santa
making fake apologies.
You might be a fake boyfriend.
l tell you,
you're a genuine butthole.
I got rolled
The one I love is gone
I got rolled...
Man, l've seen guys get dumped
but that was nuclear.
She wasn't even aiming at me
and l'll be walking funny for a week.
How do girls do that?
lts like that whole chick
verbal skills thing. It's deadly.
Man, I gotta tell you, bro,
l would never have thought
l'd help you out.
After that massacre,
l just wouldn't be human.
God, I never thought
l'd drive home with you.
lt's pretty wild.
-Sure is.
All right, I get back in time
to get the Porsche.
l drive it back in January.
Figure out how to get Allie back.
Everything will be great.
Thanks, Ed Man.
Sure.
Get out.
-What?
All that stuff.
Sorry, man, I just can't do that much
good stuff for another person.
lt'd be bad for my rep.
What are you talking about?
What about that stuff you said
about being human?
l just took you to Wisconsin.
Besides, what am I doing
helping you out
so you can get a Porsche
and be cooler than me?
Not very smart.
Not very Eddie.
You're gonna have to take that off.
Yeah, I know that.
Father Christmas, just tell me
what you want from me.
Better hurry.
lt's called carbo-loading.
Best thing you can do
before a race like this.
Hi, l'd like a number, please.
OK, that'll be a $10 entrance fee.
You know, I mailed that in.
Oh, OK, so we sent you a receipt.
Yes, you did, but, you see,
here's the dilly.
There was a house fire.
Everything got torched.
Personal papers.
-Excuse me.
The clay handprint ashtray
l made at three.
Tragic tale. l'll cover the kid.
Thanks. Jake Wilkinson.
Jeff Wilson.
Your hat and beard.
You've got to have them on
when you cross the finish line.
Here we go again.
Can anyone in this race actually run?
Sparky Fanoloni won the state
marathon ten years ago.
That was before the two-pack-a-day
habit and the lung removal.
This guy will give us a run
for his money.
Kenyan?
-Yes.
All Santas to the starting line.
See you at the finish line.
Go, Santas, go!
Santas, to your marks.
On your marks.
Get set.
Hey, Jingleballs.
Move your candy canes.
Come on, guys, keep going.
Want a cookie?
That's the end of that.
Or not.
Looks like it's you and me now.
Ready to run for it?
-I was born ready.
Your hat!
Congratulations.
Jake, thank God.
They're gonna try to arrest me.
Come down and meet me
at the station.
Taxi.
Santa says, take me to the airport.
Hey, there.
Hey, you're the kid who beat
Mayor Wilson in the Santa 5K.
Yep, that's me.
Wait a minute. Mayor Wilson?
-You didn't know?
He wins every year. A lot of us folks
wish he'd won this year too.
He seemed a good guy.
Keeps the potholes filled?
He also donates his entire winnings
every year
to buy turkeys
for people who can't afford them.
He had to be the man.
Can you turn around, please?
l'll be right back.
When did Santa start
using the mailbox?
Didn't you hear
about the new exchange program?
The postman will come down
your chimney later.
You got someplace to go?
Yeah, it's Christmas Eve.
Who doesn't?
l could set a place for you.
No, thanks. l'll be fine.
Merry Christmas.
-You too.
Yes, operator,
it's collect from Jake.
Tracey, accept the... Thank you.
My, dear brother,
you are sounding slightly stressed.
Is it the bumblebees again?
Tracey, l'm not going make it home.
l want you to tell Dad.
What do you mean
you're not going to make it home?
Is this about Carolyn?
-No.
lt's about being stuck in the middle
of nowhere with no money.
At the rate l'm going,
l'll show up in January.
Merry Christmas,
Happy New Year, see you.
Wait. What about the Porsche?
What about it?
-You really must be in trouble.
Would you fly home now if you could?
Like, yeah.
l've got four years of birthday money
upstairs in my ballerina bag.
lf I went to a ticket agent now
and bought you a ticket home,
you'd make it in time for Christmas?
You'd do that for me?
No.
l'd do it for Dad.
Plus, think of the pleasure l'll have
holding this over your head
for the rest of our lives.
OK, whatever you want.
l'm near Madison, Wisconsin.
l'll hitch a ride to the airport.
Wait, I don't have lD.
How will I pick up the ticket?
l know. l'll make up a secret
password that only you would know.
Great, what?
l am a smelly and revolting jerk
who doesn't deserve to live.
Bingo. Wilkinson, Jake.
lt's an unusual password.
-Unusual everything.
What time's the flight leave?
-20 minutes.
l'll need a picture lD.
-I just gave you my password.
Right, but I can't let you on the
plane without proper lD.
What was the point of my password?
I don't make the rules, it's...
-Policy, I know.
Thank you.
Next.
Good Ringo.
Merry Christmas to you, too.
Bad Ringo.
Hey, a dog.
Excuse me.
Merry Christmas, Santa. Got a ticket?
No.
This is Pelham.
Next stop, New Rochelle,
followed by Larchmont...
Even a bribe couldn't get him home.
He still has 15 minutes.
Lady, give me a ride? Please?
Give Santa a ride?
Will anybody take me to Larchmont?
Hi, Santa Claus.
Wait, don't turn left.
Don't turn. Go straight.
The package people,
do not unwrap yourselves.
l repeat, do not unwrap yourselves.
You unwrap yourself,
you are out of my parade.
Do I make myself clear?
All right.
-What do you think you're doing?
Buddy.
l could have sworn
l parked that sleigh here.
All is calm
All is right
Round yon Virgin,
Mother and Child...
Sorry.
Come on, Jake. You can make it.
Nice ride.
Thanks.
Just got him back from the shop.
The elves upgraded his shoes
to the new Firestone radials.
Not bad.
Maybe you should have thought
about snow tyres.
You said even if Santa showed up
in a one-horse open sleigh,
you still wouldn't believe
that I cared about you.
So I don't expect this to work.
But I gotta give it a shot.
You know, l'm not the real Santa.
Contrary to all appearances,
this is not a real sleigh.
But, Allie, for all the times
l've been a genuine jerk...
this is a real apology.
lf you'll accept it.
l might.
And this...
is a real kiss.
Come with me to my house.
l have two minutes.
This isn't about the Porsche?
-Come on.
I don't want...
-Trust me.
Shepherds quake
At the...
Let's eat.
What time is it?
lt's 5:59.
You made it.
Yeah, I guess I did.
Tell me when it's after 6:00, OK?
What do you mean,
aren't you going in?
No, not yet.
But I thought...
Just watch.
-Watch what?
My family.
l guess it's about time
l went home for Christmas.
Care to join me?
You bet.
Hey, everybody! Merry Christmas.
He made it.
You made it.
l'm glad you're here.
-Me too.
Hard time getting here?
-Piece of cake.
What's with the Santa suit?
-Long story.
You stink.
Farting dog, cargo hold,
longer story.
Son...
She's yours.
But I didn't make it home on time.
You were seconds late.
A deal's a deal.
Besides, she isn't ready yet.
What do you mean?
We're not really finished fixing her
up yet, are we?
l'm sure it'll take a bunch more
Christmases to get the work done.
Don't you think?
30 or 40 at least.
Excuse me?
-My sweater size. l'm a 36.
Or a medium. Either will work.
What's yours?
Mine?
-Yeah, for future information.
Eight.
l'll remember that.
What is that?
That would be my parade.
Your parade?
-Excuse me?
Wait a minute, that's our sleigh.
That's the guy. Come on.
Let's get him.
Buddy, you stole our sleigh.
You're lucky you're wearing
that suit.
A few days ago,
l might not have agreed with you.
Nice wings.
Thanks.
I took a sewing class.
- lt shows.
Peace.
Santa, give me a ride home.
Let's all go for a ride.
l love it. l've never been
in a sleigh before.
Make this buggy rip, bro.