Irish Jam (2006) Movie Script
Altyaz hazrlayan;
ozguncaglar
'Once there was a time',
my Dad would always say, before...
...telling us stories that would send
me off to my dreams.
'Once there was a time when the
land was taken from the people...
...and split into parts to be ruled by
kings and men and laws.
But the people were protected by
the magic ones.
Who sailed out from the mist on
ships of the sky.
Full of light and music and beauty.
And it is said by those who ought
to know such things, that the...
...magic ones no longer walked
among us.'
But to hear my Dad tell it - you
need only know where to look.
Look! Strangers.
Would you see that now?
Strangers.
Come on now, we'd better get home.
Thanks, boys. Thanks.
Everything all right, Granddad?
-What the feck we waiting for?
Well there's a bit of a stink of
rotten fish, but your Uncle James...
...will get to the bottom of it.
-Right.
Hush now.
Now, will you all be quiet?
We all know that our village has
fallen behind on it's mortgage...
...payments. Me and me Da, we've been
Down watching a couple of fellows...
...by the lake. And we are pretty sure
that himself is up to something.
That old scrooge, Hailstock or
Haystack or whatever his name is.
Greedy sod. Knows the price of
everything and the value of nothing.
Well how much do we owe the
scrounger?
-I think it's about...
-1,362,000 euros.
Scheming, lobster faced, thief.
You're purposely trying to squeeze
us out so you can rob us of the land.
Where in heavens did you get an
idea like that?
Speaking of heavens, perhaps some
Hail Mary's and a spot of good...
...old-fashioned grovelling to your
maker might come in handy.
I will not stand by and have you take
the name of the Blessed Virgin Mary.
It's a kick up the arse you need.
-Now, don't you be getting...
...your hands dirty, you're a priest.
I'll belt him, you can get...
...the big fellow upstairs
to forgive me.
Hailstock, you've said your piece,
now get out of our pub.
Unless I'm mistaken, this is one
piece of property that you don't own.
Give me time, my dear.
Give me time.
-Now. Before I forget I'm a pacifist.
Since when were you a...
-Pettikreep!
-Yes, sir?
Hand it to them.
-Get out!
-That's right, get out!
-It's a notice of foreclosure.
-What did he say?
-We've got 90 days to pay.
-90 days?
But it's not our fault. Hailstock
controls most of the jobs.
Father, may I say something?
Let's all be quiet for the wonderful
Michael O'Malley.
Shush, Brian McNulty,
you be quiet now.
I have an idea.
You see, sometimes in America small
towns will raffle off a vintage car...
...or a piece of land or whatever
to raise money for the community.
But what do we have, other than a
bankrupt village?
-We got this.
-What?
You mean Finnigan's?
It's the only building we own, that
Hailstock doesn't.
But if the village goes belly up,
then he'll put a lean on us...
...personally. And it'll fall
right into his lap.
However, if we can sell it to an
outsider.
Then he won't be able to get his
greedy hands on it.
Well, what do you think?
Who's with me?
Well I think it's a grand idea. I'm
with you Michael.
-Well I think it's shite!
-Aye, me too.
Shite!
Put some money in the box...
Go on folks, put your money in
the box now.
You can put some money in the box.
In the bucket, we want to make
sure we make that clear.
All right? Bucket.
-Get out of my way, man. No way.
They don't want to pay me?
You know what I'm saying? I'm out
there dancing my ass off.
More bills, more bills.
Yo.
-Is this James Winston McDevitt?
No, it's Mr Nigger, but I'll take
a message for him.
This is No Escape Debt Collection
Services. You will be disconnected...
...unless you make a payment of
I got the 16 cents part covered.
-Yeah?
-McDevitt, this is the landlord.
When are you going to pay the rent?
-Look here baby...
What's your name baby?
-Marlene.
Pay the rent? Who, what?
Why would you want to do
this to me? I'm dying.
My liver's messed up. I got
a problem with my scrotum.
My heart locked up one time,
you know what I'm saying?
I got my nieces and nephews
around the bed one nut fell out.
Your nut fell out. Don't die uncle,
there it go on the floor.
So, you know, what I need from
you, right now, is compassion.
Hello?
Kiss my black ass.
I'm going to pay some of these
bills, too.
I'm in a jam as Jimmy the hustler.
You know what I'm saying?
You oregano, but a nigger won't
know.
You all need some elevation in
your life, you understand me?
Enlighten yourself.
How much is this going to take off?
-300 is good enough for me.
This is holiday season, you know?
You have to eat and all that...
Here's the dollars.
It's all there, smart ass.
Excuse me for a minute, enjoy that.
What the hell is that?
Whoever is outside the door,
you might want to go to any other...
...door. Ain't nothing but murder,
death, kill up in here.
Come round here messing with
me, you young ass fool.
Jimmy.
Psycho, you know I was just getting
ready to call you on the phone.
-Jimma, Jimma Jimmy.
-Hey, Psycho, psycho.
You think you were going to say your
wedding vows to me over the phone.
Yeah, I was gonna say them over
the phone.
-Over the phone, Jimmy?
-'Cause I was working.
Like ring, ring, 'hello?'
Over the phone.
Collect?
-Baby, look...
...we should discuss this because,
you know...
Like, talk about it. Is that what
you want to do with me, Jimmy?
-We need to discuss it.
-Ok, but after I break your neck.
Come back here.
I love you, but damn, you better
open up this door.
I love you, Jimmy.
Get off me!
-I love you, Jimmy!
-I love you too, baby.
I love you, Jimmy!
Yeah, you want more?
Plenty more of this junk!
Hey, what the hell you
crazy white folks doing?
Give me the stuff!
Damn it, McDevitt, that's what
happens when you don't pay your rent!
All right, back up. Back up!
Don't come back!
No, take it!
Take it!
Shit ain't real, anyway.
It ain't Bobo, it's Hobo.
Didn't want to stay at your
apartment, no way.
Jimmy got other things in life.
I got plans.
You'll all see.
For sure.
Yeah, I always wanted to live on an
island.
Jimmy. Hi, Jimmy!
Hi!
Well, as you all know, it was a tie
between two poems.
So our very own Kathleen Duffy has
been nominated to pick the winner.
I'll put them face down and you just
pick one of them when you're ready.
The winning poem is called Freedom.
I think someone a little easier on...
...the eye would be more qualified
to read this.
How about it, Maureen?
When are you going to make an
honest woman of her, Michael?
Hey, I volunteer. After all it's a real
man she'll be needing, O'Malley.
Did someone speak there?
Was it a real man did you say?
It's not what I've heard.
What are you two idiots laughing at?
I tell you she's too much woman
for O'Malley.
'Freedom, The great divide,
The unknown truth, the intangible.
'The lure of the oppressed,
the lie of oppressors.
'No one is free. Nothing is free.
'No one ever was and nothing
ever will be.
'To manifest the notion of our
inalienable right...
...is to play to their dogma.
Dante was right.
-Who the feck is Dante?
-'They feed us true lies...
...and we swallow it whole.
Fear is the fuel, for many I know.
'Through the morning
mist, a welcoming light.
'It must be Finnigan's so
calm and so bright.
'Gimme a glass of cold beer.
And I'll tell you what I know.
'That if it's Freedom you want.
Then you gotta fight, fight, fight.
I'm not very good at doing things
like that.
-Very well read.
-Thank God! He must be Irish.
Well, how much money did you
raise, anyway?
The contest netted almost one
million euro.
That's not bad, like. Top.
Unfortunately, we're still quite a
bit short. But I reckon our new...
...landlord will have a few ideas
how we can raise the balance.
If there's one thing the Yanks
are good at it's business.
Well, that's fine, 'cos the bloody
Yank can pull the feckin' balance...
...out of his feckin' arse.
-No need for that kind of language.
Will someone please pass my scalpel.
To hell with the lot of youse.
Will you raise your glasses, to
himself, our new landlord.
The long lost son of Ireland.
What the...?
Hey! All right. What's happening?
It ain't 'Temptation Island', but
we'll make it work.
'Welcome to Ballywood'.
Hollywood to Ballywood.
Well, don't everybody talk at once.
What? Hey this ain't
no clansman rally, is it?
What the KKK, what you talking about?
-Cad mile filte.
-Does somebody speak English?
-Welcome to Ballywood.
They're the deeds to Finnegan's pub.
-Finnegan's, yes, the prize.
I'm having my attorney look this
over, you know what I'm saying?
Oh, I appreciate that.
Welcome, yes.
What the hell is that man?
Where is the Cristal?
Don't you all people know how
to throw a party? Come on!
I'm just arriving, there's
supposed to be some balloons.
Black man coming through. What?
You all playing with me right now.
All these faces. All right, where
the native girls?
Alright, bring on the native girls,
where are the native women?
-Supposedly you're referring to me.
-No, I was thinking about...
...the ones with big bootys.
You know, you'll do.
I mean, we gotta work some
things out, a little makeover.
Pluck the eyebrows, collagen
injection in the lips because...
...I like them big.
-I'm homely.
Is that what he said?
What's happening? Look out girl,
you know we'll do a couple of things.
Yeah, we can flip this.
-Father Duffy.
Father Duffy. James McDevitt.
You know some people call me
Jimmy da Jam in high circles.
You know, with me Dre, Snoop
and all us be hangin out, you know.
Say a prayer for me to make
sure this deed is correct.
Otherwise, I might have to get
South Central up in here.
You know what I'm saying? Don't
understand how I played war.
I like the outfit, the collar is
working.
Stay away from the little boys.
-He's, he's a...
-What's up fellahs? How's it going?
He's the new landlord of
Ballywood's only pub.
I love this village already.
-The door sticks.
-So do I baby, so do I.
-Is everything else to your liking?
-No, not really, you know.
But I'm going to make it work, baby.
Right then, we'll leave you
to get some rest.
I'm sure you'll be needing your
strength for the native girls.
Make sure there's no fat ones.
I got a thing with the fat ones.
Anything over 85 kilograms
ain't to my liking, you know.
I like them potek, peteek, poe teak.
Not really po, but kind of teaky.
I want something nice and slim,
got a nice little bottom on it.
You know, something I can really
work with. Because they broke...
...the mould when they made me, baby.
I'm telling you.
I think that's the smartest thing
you've said since you arrived.
Oh, that's me! S.M.A.R.T. Smart.
S.M. Art. Smart.
-You can spell, good.
-Smart. Enough to get my own club.
Doing it P Diddy style. Going to
get some action going on up here.
It ain't Jamaica, but I'm gonna
'ja make' the best of it.
Bye, bye. Right, is that
everything do you think?
Would you like some help with them
Groceries, or would you prefer...
...himself to be carrying them
for you? The new landlord.
Shouldn't youse lot be getting back
to the zoo before it closes up for...
...the night? Or perhaps a swift kick
up the ass'll get you there quicker?
Now, out of the way.
I'll not be looking to fight the
weaker sex.
Me neither, but in your case I'll
make an exception.
There's something I can do for
you, boys?
No, Father. Just catching up
with the gossip.
Good to see you taking an interest
in the welfare of the village.
Off youse go now.
See youse all at mass on Sunday?
-Yes, Father.
-And confession on Saturday?
-Yes, Father.
They're lovely boys.
So, is he a Catholic?
-Who?
-Well, you know, the new fellow.
-I don't know, I didn't ask.
Aye, not to worry, I can always
convert him. If not, eh?
She can always whip him into
shape with her tongue.
If that fails, he can bore him into
submission with his hell stories.
-You're a hard woman, Maureen.
-Must be genetic, right?
So, what do you think of the
gold tooth?
You like it, do you?
And himself? Do you think he's
a bit mad or just a bit hyper?
What, do you think he's scared?
I suppose I would be, too with the
likes of the McNultys waiting...
...to pounce. McNulty zombie. I am a
McNulty and I am a stupid zombie.
Is that your best zombie? Come
on you can do better than that!
Now make sure you idiots don't
mess this up!
There's plenty more where this
comes from.
Consider it a down payment.
You alright, Grandad?
You're awful quiet.
-Well, what's to become of us?
-What d'you mean?
-We'll be invaded surely!
-What, by the Vikings?
-No, them rappers and their gangs.
-Are you mad?
No, I know them bloods and crisps.
Oh, it'll be like that film the
'Boys and their Hoods'.
-What?
-There'll be naked bootys on...
...every corner. There'll be
gangsters with them,...
...Dirty Harry guns selling that
crackaine stuff.
And there'll be them driveaways and
people popping each other's arses.
I can't believe you. You're the one
who taught me to have an open mind.
My God!
-I tell ya, I had you there!
You're just a big kid, grandad.
Kathleen! Your dinner's ready.
Well, come on, what's really
the matter?
Well, we're close to 400,000 short
of settling the mortgage payments.
And that's without even paying
off the principle.
-And what is the principle?
-It's about seven millions.
Seven million euros?
Why did no one tell me that?
Because we knew you'd shoot your
mouth off and you'd get mad.
That's not true.
Seven million, oh my God!
What are you, a bunch of idiots?
There you go, you see. You're on a
roll. You're constantly persistent.
I need some air.
-Yeah? Air?
I think it's a drink more likely.
I hope you have money, because the
new landlord might not accept credit.
Come on, grace please.
Shall I say it? For what we're
about to receive may the Lord...
...make us truly thankful.
Amen.
-You all right?
-Aye, yeah. I'm all right.
Jimmy Jam is a freak of nature.
Work it boy, you can break it backs.
Give me some of that four-leaf
clover. Bend over it.
You look like you're Irish.
You're lucky, 'cos I'm here.
-Hey, baby.
-Would you look at that?
You ain't ever getting any.
And we'll not be taking another drop
from Finnegan's 'till he's out...
...from behind that bar!
Oh, good evening, lads.
Tell me, what's going on?
-We're having a meeting.
-Oh, what's it about?
-About where to go for a drink.
-Yes, now I'm thinking...
...that's a very difficult one.
-That's right, it is.
Being as there's only one pub
in the village.
-Hey, but himself's in there.
-He's black in case you didn't notice.
-No, but it could rub off.
-Jesus, no?
Come on. Come in for a jar,
my shout.
And we thought you was one of
us, Pat Duffy. An Irishman.
Well, now maybe I am as that's what
it says on my birth certificate.
Then why are you off to consort
with one of them?
Did you know that in America we
were known as the Gren Niggers?
-That's a lie everyone!
-Toasted Irishmen.
And in England as recently as the
fifties. There were many...
...guesthouses that had signs up
saying, no blacks, no dogs, no Irish.
-Well, the English can kiss my ass.
-No, they can't.
And the famous journalist who said,
'Now that Kennedy is President...
...the Irish are almost white'.
Do you see any paralel in that?
-I don't see nothing of the sort.
-Then you're a lot thicker than...
...I gave you credit for. And I won't
be hanging around here.
I'm away for a drink.
-It's not fair. I'm dying out here.
Aye me too, I thought we were
meant to be infiltrating.
Not standing about like idiots.
-You're a traitor, Pat Duffy.
I know it, and I've a desperate
thirst and I'm going to quench it.
-He looks like a packet of M and Ms.
-If you stuck a plug up his arse...
...you could light up the
whole of Ballywood.
Thank God, you haven't got access
to your full optics, Danny.
What's Crack-a-lacking? I know a lot
of you all are in a state of shock.
But that's all right, I'm here to
help. Where I come from we kick it.
I'm going to resurrect some
people. I'm going to do a Jesus.
-What's he saying?
-It beats the hell out of me.
But he's got balls I'll give him
that big ones.
-I don't want no body tripping.
-Tripped? Who tripped?
Where's my medical bag?
-Yeah. Oh, by the way...
...free drinks for everybody!
All right, Gramps! Break it down.
Now I know a lot of you are saying
to yourselves 'All right, who is...
...this Jimmy da Jam character? But
me like him style, all the while...
...come with a big coolade smile.
If you came to have some fun...
...put your glass in the
air, on the one, and say, 'hey'.
Everybody put your glass up
in the air and say, 'hey'.
Hey, we got some more people.
What can I get you?
-How's it going?
-Good, how are you doing?
-Great. Have you got any crisps?
-Crisp? Crisp.
-I think you call them chips.
-Chips! Yes, potato chips.
Thanks. All right?
I don't care, food stamps, if you
got them, hand them over.
Like blue ones red ones, you know
what I'm saying. We can transfer it.
Entertainment in the house tonight.
Is your new landlord.
So we're going to hit it like this.
Hello, good evening, we're
going to do a little number.
And I hope you dig it 'cause I'm
digging you digging it, dig that.
What? That's great. I don't
understand a word of it, but great.
-Interesting, don't you think?
-Definitely.
I mean... Kathleen thinks so.
She thinks he's great.
-It's Kathleen that likes him, is it?
Have you not got drinks to serve?
I think he's fine.
What's this?
What's this?
-Leprechaun land!
-Leprechaun land? That's nice.
That's a good idea. It's kind of
like Disney. Without a mouse, but...
...it's got this little leprechaun
dude. The kids will like that.
So this Lord Hailstock owns
the entire village?
He inherited the land. He owns
everything. Except Finnegan's.
-No wonder you all hate the English.
-That's outdated.
We just don't like anyone who takes
advantage of us.
-40 acres and a mule.
-What's that?
When President Lincoln freed the
slaves the government promised...
...all of us like 40 acres
and a mule.
Black people got happy. We started
running around, break dancing.
We're still break dancing.
Still waiting.
We didn't get a doggie, ain't
seen an acre.
It's funny. Someone offers you an
aspirin and gives you a headache.
Pettikreep. I trust you've had time
to review the surveyor's report.
-Yes, Your Lordship.
-Good.
Then we can proceed.
-As long as no one minds...
...Leprechaun Land being under water.
-What?
The whole area's a bog land, sir.
Anything built there would sink...
...faster than a pint of
O'Malleys, sir.
-Has anyone else seen this report?
-Not a soul, sir.
-Well see that it remains that way.
-But sir...
-Is there a problem?
-It's bog land, sir.
Legally we're supposed...
-I've always envied you, Pettikreep.
-Yes, Sir?
-Blessed as you are with a steady...
...job, a generous employer and
a warm, cosy place to live.
Yes, Sir.
It would devastate me to see
you on the streets, penniless.
Yes, Sir.
I want you to contact our
people in Los Angeles.
I need to know everything there is
to know about our new landlord.
I have to have that pub to
conclude the deal.
Pettikreep?
-Yes, Sir?
-Never forget who butters your bread.
-Yes, Sir.
So this Hailstock's going to suck
everybody dry, huh?
Yeah, like a leech and we stand to
lose everything.
Well, it ain't like things are
bopping around here you know.
This amusement park would be good for
business. Everybody can make money.
The pub, which I own.
-Yeah but at what cost? I mean...
...we lose this fight, we stand to
lose everything that's made this...
...community what it is.
You know.
Money doesn't always buy
you happiness.
It's what you do
with it that counts.
Yeah, you got to spend it
on the finer things in life.
-Good night, then.
-Good night.
Hey Jimmy! You know...
I've often thought that our two
cultures were very similar.
You know... I watched 'The
Commitments' seven times.
Yeah?
Well I thought that 'Jungle Fever'
was... how would you say it?
'All good'.
Well, I'm getting a little jungle
flu out here.
You're okay Jimmy, just a bit
misguided is all.
This is a photographic moment, let
me put this in the memory bank.
You're just a bit misguided, is all.
Go away.
-All right.
Stay!
Did you hear that?
All right, son.
It's me, Father Duffy.
You're safe now.
-Do you know where you are, Jimmy?
-Would you like a drop of whiskey?
-Now, let's be taking a look, then.
Now Jimmy, I want you
to follow me finger.
A bit of a shock to his system, but
other than that I'd say he's in...
...perfect shape. Apart from his dress
sense, now that may be incurable.
But he can't be moved, not yet.
He'll be fine.
Come on let's get him upstairs.
He can have my room for the night.
-Your bed?
-If you're volunteering yours...
Oh, Hey Jimmy.
Did I wake you?
That's just how I'm going to
bite you.
Then, I'm going to chew you up,
Jimmy.
Eat it.
Hey, Princess.
Are you standing guard?
You hear what happened last night?
He lucky I didn't see him.
If I'd have seen him, I'd have been
straight Bruce on him.
You know, I trained with
Bruce personally.
You don't believe me?
Why you don't believe me?
My Daddy taught Bruce's
Daddy's, Daddy's, Daddy's uncle.
In the Shaolin Temple.
Who had feelings for
Ling Ling Chow?
You know that's what would have
happened, if I'd have seen him.
That's when you know they're scared,
they have to sneak up on you, see.
He ain't going to come man to man,
face to face with me.
Jimmy da Jam.
-Can I come in?
-Come on in.
I'm going to tell you
the rest later.
-So how you feeling better?
-I feel like a Hollywood hooker...
Ah! Excuse me, this is not
for her ears thank you.
Yeah, she's just talking up a storm
I mean chatter Kathy over there.
I think she's got the gift of the
gab. She just hasn't unwrapped it.
Homework time.
-Homework.
Homework is good.
Stop all that talking!
Have you been feeding her a load
of old rubbish, have you?
Just the part about homework
being good and learning. Boring.
You do have a tendency to
exaggerate, don't you?
Exaggerate me? No. See the lump on
my head is not an exaggeration.
And that foot that was in my ass
wasn't an exaggeration.
-So you have no idea who jumped you?
-I have no idea but I'll never...
...forget that funky breath.
-I put your clothes in the washing...
...machine on a bright colours
cycle so that should cover it.
You've a bath run, and I've put you
out some proper clean clothes.
Clothes? Hey, I'm naked!
Well, did you expect me to put
you in with them?
Don't get your knickers in a twist
I've seen it all before.
I've cooked and cleaned for my grand
dad and brothers since I was nine.
I'll see you later.
And apparently it's not true what
they say about black men, is it?
Hey, it was cold!
Cold, you know, it was cold.
Hey, it's like a pole.
You can put a flag on it.
She don't know I was born with one
leg. I had to learn how to walk.
I've got to take my shoe off
everytime I go to the bathroom.
Now I've blown right overseas.
Brought the world down to their
knees. I got the fireplace...
...chilling in the back, bubbles all
around. I might give the young lady...
...a heart attack, I know she's
telling me.
What she say? I know she
telling me.
Ain't even got a car. Here we go,
I'm at the bar.
Drinks on me, set everybody free.
It's on the house. Big West
tunes, the west side.
Come on, the east coast
doin' the most.
Jesus! Michael you scared the
living daylights out of me.
I heard what happened.
Is he okay?
Yeah, he's on the mend.
Can you not hear him?
-He stayed the night, then?
-Doctor said not to move him.
Breakfast in bed?
Michael I'm not sure I like where
this conversation is going.
Look Maureen.
I know I'll never be able to replace
Frank. And I don't expect to.
But I think it's time I made an
honest woman of you.
-Michael I...
-No, please. Let me finish.
I know I'm not perfect and I know
you don't love me.
But I'm sure you could learn to
in time.
And besides, Kathleen needs a
father figure in her life.
And you know I love her like me own.
-Yeah.
Well, what do you say?
Well, I suppose when you put it
like that, it makes sense.
It's just...
-Hey, Michael.
-Hey.
What happened to your hair?
Everything good?
-Yeah, it's all good.
Look at that, don't we look fine.
-Styling and profiling, baby.
-I'd say almost Irish.
-I know how to put things together.
Oh, and domesticated too.
Good, I like that in my rappers.
So, Jimmy tell me...
...what do you want out of life?
What's going to make you happy?
Let's see, peace on earth. No,
that's the answer that models give.
I want to be rich and famous,
you know what I'm saying?
Because me and music are one.
Music is like my best friend.
I could make it, too;
all I need is a shot.
All right.
So when you perform at Finnegan's...
...why do you always impersonate
someone else?
-That's what I do, that's who I am.
-No, it's not who you are.
It's who they're. I think you should
spend more time being yourself.
I've never seen Kathleen this
happy.
And it's you that does it, it's not
those fellows that you impersonate.
Well, you know, I've got
magnetism, like electro-magnetism.
That's the female species,
you know, the girls love me.
Oh, okay, you want to start now?
-I did a little bit.
-Oh, here's a whole lot.
-Wait, stop it!
You know my mama used to play
this song called 'Jimmy Mac'.
-Pettikreep?
-Yes, sir.
I've received some very valuable
information from the City of Angels.
It seems our Mr McDevitt wouldn't
know a straight line if it jumped...
...up and bit him on the arse. And
it would probably die of food...
...poisoning. In short one of life's
losers. A bit like you Pettikreep.
-Yes, sir.
-So you're going to make him a...
...financial offer he won't refuse.
I can't rely on those idiot...
...McNultys alone.
-Certainly, sir.
-Oh, and Pettikreep?
-Yes, sir?
No mistakes. When I pull this off,
I'll be rich beyond my dreams.
Come on, Chappie!
What up Mr Pettikreep? What can
I do for you this fine day?
Oh well, that's a lot of cheddar.
No, I mean cheese, cash man, cash.
We can come to some kind of
agreement. I'm a businessman...
...business is what I do.
And the deal was, if I didn't come
up with the money I had to marry...
...their sister. She got all
emotional, gave me some honeymoon...
...money and I lost it
in a crap game. Then I split.
What you just left the little lady
standing at the altar?
Little lady? We're talking 140
kilograms pit bull, block jaw.
Have you ever been married?
-Yeah, I was once.
-What happened?
-It's a long story.
Talk to me now, talk to me.
-Okay, he was called Frank.
-He was called Frank? Is that his...
...name or they just called him Frank.
Hey Frank, but real name was Doug?
No, his name was Frank we say it
here differently.
His name was Frank and
we met a university in Dublin.
So we got married and got
pregnant... well, I did obviously.
Well, if he got pregnant, you know,
we need to study him.
-Do you want to hear the story?
-Come on, girl.
Anyway, Kathleen adored him, he
was an amazing father.
But one day he took
her shopping and...
They were hit by a drunk driver.
Frank was killed.
She didn't have a mark on her.
See, supposedly he protected her
from the impact with his body.
It was like he was making a deal
with god.
It was either, you know,
his life for hers.
She was only four years old. Can
you imagine, four years old?
And he died in her arms.
She hasn't spoken a word since.
-It's going to be all right.
-I know, we just...
...take one day at a time
and we live in hope.
If you ever hurt her or you
disappoint her...
...I promise you, I'll kill you.
Did somebody just threaten me
with bodily harm?
Well, it's either that or I drop
a line to the Psycho lady.
-Hey, kill me don't call the psycho.
-You'd rather be killed?
-Yes, dead, gone, buried, dirt. Hey!
-Hello, Angel.
-How you doin' there, Princess?
-How are you doin?
Stop it, that's greedy.
Where's mine then?
-The whole village is talking.
-Well, it's all very confusing.
He's a nice enough fella, if you
make out what he's saying.
But him and my only granddaughter...
Oh, it is a bitter pill to swallow.
-It's not a colour thing now, is it?
-God forbid, I'm no racist. Jesus!
I'd always hoped that Michael
and Maureen would be wed.
He's a fine fellow, he's a bit
boring but he'd be a good father...
...to Kathleen. I want good things
for them.
Be careful, Da.
Maureen's old enough to make
her own decisions.
Shove too hard one way, you may
wind up pushing her the other.
Well, I'll be leaving you.
You know Da? I've not seen
Maureen this happy for years.
Kathleen, well she may finally be
about to open up, you know?
Well, you missed your calling.
You should have been one of
them psychological fellas.
What, there's a difference?
See? Jimmy da Jam' s a
professional martial artist.
Now you have your hand here,
because once you block...
...you come through and strike
with the action.
Then, as soon as they come,
jump up in them. All right?
Jimmy Da Jam will teach you some
more tomorrow, once I've loosened up.
Have you no shame, Maureen Duffy?
Bringing disgrace on your own kind?
Walking around hand in hand with
yon fellow.
Aye, he's alright fighting
with the kiddies.
Unless you want to be trying them
moves on a grown man?
Come on, Jimmy the Raspberry
Jam man.
Show young Kathleen what
a big fella you are.
I thought so.
-Come on.
Come on.
-These yanks are all the same.
All mouth, no action.
-What did you say?
I'm so sorry. Are you okay?
Oh God, Jimmy are you okay?
-You hit like a girl. I'm cool.
Come on, let's not be hanging
around with the riff raff.
We're not hanging around with
the riff raff.
You know, they're lucky
you were there.
Because, I was about to go
Bruce on them, you know.
I just use the art of
fighting without fighting.
I left some stew on stewing. I want
to make sure it's stewing properly.
Put some spices in it, you know?
Us black people like it spicy.
All right, catch up with you all
later. Don't forget what I told you.
Hey, Jimmy?
I'm really sorry.
Macho man, baby.
Come on. What youse looking at?
Come on, love.
Please excuse the interruption,
Lord Hailstock.
My name is Suzuki.
-Suzuki?
The Suzuki?
The Japanese industrialist?
It has been brought to my attention
that you are planning to build...
...100 million dollar theme
park in Ireland.
And I would be very interested to
invest in such a project.
I can offer you 90% of the funding
and charge no interest on the loan.
You put in other 10%. I will give
you first recoupment.
Oh, indeed, well that sounds
reasonable.
I think it would be prudent
for us to meet.
I will organise my trip
as soon as possible.
-Great. I look forward to see you.
-So do I. Sayonara.
Pettikreep!
Pettikreep, can you hear me?
Pettikreep!
-Yes, sir?
-Bring me a bottle of the '53.
-Immediately, sir.
-And Pettikreep?
-Yes, sir?
-Did you handle that situation?
-I spoke with him.
It won't be a problem.
He was very agreeable.
I thought so. Bloody yanks will do
anything for money, especially him.
-Good morning, to you all.
-Good morning, Father.
Now, as you all know we have a
new addition to our little family.
So, I thought it would be a good idea
to spice up the sermon a little bit.
In the beginning was the word.
You heard.
It took flight like a bird,
on the wings of truth.
It flies, gives the structure to
all lives. Wipes the tears...
...from men's eyes.
So don't cry.
For Adam and Eve, you and me.
Lord above the King of Kings
sets us all free. Hit it, Da!
Allow me to introduce my new partners
Mr Suzuki and Mr Yamamoto.
Now it seems your little contest
has left you somewhat short.
But, as I'm kind and caring
there'll be no evictions.
Thousands of tourists will soon
be upon us.
And Mr Suzuki has kindly agreed
to offer some of you jobs.
Although menial, it will be a
living. Those of you fortunate...
...enough to be selected. Will
of course be required to wear...
...the official theme park uniform.
Pettikreep.
The pointy shoes haven't arrived
yet. But being as they are one...
...size fits all, I'm sure
they'll be nice and snug.
I'd sooner suck a dead dog's eye
than wear that.
Haven't you done enough damage
to this village already?
Hailstock. This is a house about
the good word.
I ain't got nothing but bad words
for you, so you might want to...
...agitate the ground.
-Right Jimmy. Go on!
Leave you mother...
Excuse me.
Right on. Just go.
And take this Leprechaun with you.
Shame on you.
You know, your mother's got the
sweetest voice I ever heard.
I bet you could sing like that if
you wanted to.
Yeah, I bet you could sing like
Mariah or Janet.
You know, I know Mariah personally.
You don't believe me?
You know, for a quiet little girl,
you see a lot. Run along, now.
I've got to hand it to you, you've
certainly a way with the ladies.
Yeah, but I could never keep them.
Sooner or later they figured me out.
What about you? I mean, what
you going to do?
-About what?
-About what?
You and Maureen.
I mean she needs you. Kathleen
really needs you.
I've tried, Jimmy. Believe me
I have.
But she doesn't seem comfortable
with the idea. It's you she seems...
...to have taken a liking to.
-Me?
-Yeah.
-Me and Maureen?
Mike you're tripping.
It'd never work out.
Besides, you know, I've got my
career to think about, man.
I've got people to see, places to
go, money to make.
You got to keep fighting, man. Its
like my Granpappy did, World War II.
Patton said, 'give me all the black
men, let's see what they can do'.
He joins, they whipped them Germans
all the way back to Berlin, man.
God bless his decorated black ass.
He's a great man. Yes, Lord.
That's a hell of a speech, Jimmy.
But isn't that what you are doing...
...giving up?
Shut up.
Did you bring it?
Here's the information. My Lord
said to make good use of it.
Pettikreep! What the hell are you
doing down here? Slacking as usual.
Any news?
-Just had confirmation that the...
...Japanese funding has been
transferred into the Leprechaun...
...land account.
All those zeros, bloody marvellous.
What happens when the Japanese
find out that the land isn't fit...
...for building on?
-Well, it works like this.
I raise 10 million euros.
Mortgaging the entire village...
...and all its contents to the hilt.
Suzuki provides the other 90 percent.
I immediately award 20 million in
bogus building contracts to my own...
...dummy companies. As soon as the
Japs find out that the land round...
...here has the consistency of sponge
cake, Suzuki will quietly take back...
...his cash in order
to avoid a scandal.
Minus of course the 20 million
I've already siphoned off.
I pay back my creditors and
pocket a cool 10 million.
-Genius, sir.
-I think so.
Talking of Finnegan's, I do believe
the show is about to start.
Oh, and Pettikreep?
-Yes, Sir?
Not a word. Remember who
butters your bread.
Don't think I could forget, sir.
McDevitt!
-Jimmy! Jimmy stop!
-What?
I think we've got visitors.
McDevitt, we need you outside now.
What on earth's going on?
-Hey, what's up, fellas?
-McDevitt, you're a liar and a cheat.
And I knew it all along.
Aye, we found out about the
Dirty Dime man.
And how you stole his song!
Ya rogue git, ya !
Pack up and get out of
Ballywood now.
-You leave him alone. Do ya hear me?
-Shut up and be quiet!
Now, Jimmy, I've read the words.
And it does seem that your poem...
...has been lifted from this
Dime fella's record.
Can I see that for a second,
Father?
Dirty Dime.
Dirty Dime. Yeah, he used to be
with that group Nickel and Dime.
I was going to play the cut for you.
He went solo, Dirty Dime.
Well... You caught me. I'm dirty,
he's dirty, it's a dirty situation.
Hey, guilty as charged.
Somebody got some handcuffs?
For god's sake, it just a poem.
Its not the end of the world.
We've all done things we regret.
-We've all done poems.
Trust you to stick up for him.
The man is a liar and a thief.
Are you satisfied now?
You can go home.
Not yet.
Is it true, that you intend to sell
Finnegan's to Lord Hailstock?
What?
-Tell them it's not true.
-Of course, it's true.
Now, that's my business.
Now look, we've a right to know.
Tell us the truth and we'll take...
...your word for it.
-That's right.
Or do I need to knock it out of you
again? Like I did last time?
Only this time, you won't get up
so quick.
-So, it was you?
-Ah yeah, I'd recognise that...
...breath anywhere.
You know what McNulty? Why don't you
pucker up and kiss my black ass.
You messed up now, boy.
If he's innocent, the good Lord
will be with him.
-Come on.
-Come on.
Keep the nigger in the net.
Let me go!
-Where's my medical bag?
-I'm going to whoop your ass.
Good afternoon.
Prepare to fly, McDevitt.
That'll teach you to mess with a
McNulty. Just so you know there's...
...plenty more where that came from.
-You kicked the shite out of him.
I told you he was shite.
You know, I trained with Bruce,
personally. You don't believe me?
Excuse me.
Which one of you hobbits want it?
-See? You want some, do you?
Come on, give him to me.
Yes, Lord. I believe in God.
Didn't I tell you, he was one of us?
He even fights like an Irishman.
Aye, but he still hasn't explained
about selling out to Hailstock.
Shut up! He'd never do something
like that, would you?
Jimmy, tell them.
Jimmy, tell them.
How could you? Why would you
do something like that?
But if you sell it to Hailstock,
that's the end of the village.
So that's all we were to you,
was it?
A penny antiscam, a get rich quick
scheme. Trusting you...
...believing you was the biggest
mistake I've ever made in my life.
You're a cheat, you're a liar.
You're a phoney, you're a big
mouth and I hate you.
I never want to see you again.
You can go to hell.
-Hold my coat. Hold my coat!
-No, Pat! Don't!
Did the good Lord not forgive
Judas?
-Pettikreep, tea.
-Yes, sir.
Now, this had better be bloody
good this time in the morning.
Yes, sir. Got some information
for you.
The villagers have called
an urgent meeting, sir.
They're down at Finnegan's now, sir.
-Now?
I thought this was all over with.
Pettikreep, where's my bloody tea?
So, what's this meeting about?
-Nobody knows, sir. Secret.
I wonder what it could be.
Pettikreep.
-What is it, sir?
-It's empty.
-Oh sorry, sir. I'll get a refill.
No, the account, you idiot, it's
empty. I've been robbed.
What the bloody hell are you all
gawping at?
-Now, get on with it.
-Now be quiet, all of you!
What's this all about, Father? We
should all be home in our beds.
I don't know, Tom, but I'm sure
we're going to find out very soon.
What's up? How's it
hanging, Hailstock?
Don't bother saying
nothing, just listen.
By now you've probably figured out
your bank account's been emptied.
That's a lot of missing loochey.
We know about the land being no good.
And how you stash surveyor's report.
If my memory serves me, it's fraud.
Look, I don't want you to go to jail
for 20 years. So here's the deal.
You give back 10 million minus the
...helped me put this play together.
Fast Freddie and Diamond Jack.
Yo, what's up?
And of course, my friend, the mole,
which we'll get to later.
You'll need to be returning the cash
that the village paid you...
...for the contest.
-No...
Don't talk yet, I'm not done.
Also, you sign over Ballywood, all
the surrounding land,...
...including Finnigan's. This way
everybody gets what they want.
You walk away clean. I might have to
leak this to the press, you know.
Let's see, 'The Honorable Lord
Hailstock tried to scam investors...
...in a bad land deal'.
Oh, I say Mole...
...can you please pass the
agreement to the old boy there?
Okay, Your Lordship, we need
your signature on the dotted line.
Oh, and just so you know
we have some insurance.
It's a copy of the
surveyor's report.
Addressed to Lord Hailstock.
The minute my man Pettikreep is
alright I'll transfer the balance...
...back to your account.
Oh, one last thing. Don't come back.
The land belongs to the people.
Irish, that is.
I want you to get this Jimmy Da Jam
for me, I want you to stop him now.
Well, you idiots,
what are you waiting for?
We won't be needing your blood
money for what I have to do.
Come on.
By the way, I never did like butter
on my bread. I'm a jam man, myself.
Or to be more specific, a Jimmy Da
Jam man.
So you can stick your job up your
arse. I've got a plane to catch.
What time does the next boat leave
for the mainland?
What time does the boat leave for
the mainland?
Six o'clock.
Right.
-Go get him.
-Really?
Yeah.
Thank you.
Jimmy!
Jimmy McDevitt, will you stop
being so bloody stubborn.
You just going to leave and that's
it. You can't do that.
You can't just mess with people's
feelings like that.
What an idiot I've been. There was
I thinking that you actually cared.
-I do care.
-No, you don't.
Yes, I do.
For a moment there, Maureen,
I thought you and I had something.
-We do.
-You and Kathleen.
But I was just fooling myself.
-But...
-No, don't but.
I mean how many free beers I got
to give away in this village?
You can't buy acceptance, Lord knows
I tried, three times a Sunday.
Yeah, 'Jimmy's a likeable guy'.
But, you know what? Deep down
inside, they're all afraid of me.
Afraid of who I am. What they think
I represent.
So I didn't disappoint them. Pulled
off the scam of a lifetime.
But it's all over now. Its time for
Jimmy Da Jam to get back to...
...familiar territory, make
another quick buck.
And then what? You spend it and you
make another, and you make another...
...and another. Where does it all end?
Can't you see the emptiness of it?
Stay. Come on what have
you got to lose?
You can't keep on running, Jimmy.
What are you running from?
Everybody loves you.
Everybody loves you just
the way you are.
Are you going to make me say it,
I love you?
Okay. I love you.
Please, don't go.
Please don't go.
I got to go, Maureen.
I got to go.
-Jimmy.
-James McDevitt, you stop there!
Or as God is my witness, I will not
be responsible for my actions.
And that goes for me to. And
remember I hit twice as hard.
McDevitt!
You're a liar and a scam artist.
This time I'm going to
beat the hell out of you.
But only if you take one more step
towards that boat.
This village needs you.
Jimmy Da Jam man.
We'd like you to stay.
That's all of us.
-Jimmy!
-My God.
Jimmy.
Please don't leave. Me dad left me.
Don't you leave me, too.
Don't leave.
Maureen Duffy. Kathleen Duffy.
Do youse take this man, James
Winston Da Jam McDevitt...
...to be your lawful husband
and father?
I do.
Kathleen, you've not lost your
voice again, have you?
Yes.
Come on, come on!
Okay, then. You can count me in.
Thank the Lord for that.
With the powers passed on down
to me I now declare you a family.
Well, go on then, Jimmy. You're
legal, you may kiss the bride.
You don't have to tell me twice.
My dad was right about
the magic ones.
But then everyone has a little bit of
magic in them, don't you think?
What? You don't believe me?
Jimmy!
Get your black ass away
from that girl.
You're not going to get away from
me Jimmy. Surprise.
The long lost son of Ireland.
You know baby. There comes a time
in a man's life when a man's got...
...to do what a man's got to do.
And I just did it.
Yeah.
-Come on!
-Where we going with the...
Now I...
And domesticated, too.
Just how I like my rappers.
I like to wrap something up
myself every day.
For Christmas I wrap and I wrap.
Pettikreep, I trust you...
I've got cramp in my foot, sorry.
Eat, it just doesn't matter. They
don't know how to feed black...
...people here. We're gonna have to
teach them. Okey dokey.
We want to start with pancakes.
Who wants pancakes?
I want pancakes.
Pancakes, Pancakes!
I never had no bear before. A little
bear could be a good thing.
It seems he wouldn't know a straight
line if it jumped up and bit him...
...on the arse. And then it...
Come on stand now!
Behave... Forward... You bugger,
get over there!
Oh and Euen!
Hi, sorry.
D'you know cameraman, you're
Italian, just like Frank Sinatra.
Good friend of mine man, dig that
man. Okay, I'm ready. Reloaded.
ozguncaglar
'Once there was a time',
my Dad would always say, before...
...telling us stories that would send
me off to my dreams.
'Once there was a time when the
land was taken from the people...
...and split into parts to be ruled by
kings and men and laws.
But the people were protected by
the magic ones.
Who sailed out from the mist on
ships of the sky.
Full of light and music and beauty.
And it is said by those who ought
to know such things, that the...
...magic ones no longer walked
among us.'
But to hear my Dad tell it - you
need only know where to look.
Look! Strangers.
Would you see that now?
Strangers.
Come on now, we'd better get home.
Thanks, boys. Thanks.
Everything all right, Granddad?
-What the feck we waiting for?
Well there's a bit of a stink of
rotten fish, but your Uncle James...
...will get to the bottom of it.
-Right.
Hush now.
Now, will you all be quiet?
We all know that our village has
fallen behind on it's mortgage...
...payments. Me and me Da, we've been
Down watching a couple of fellows...
...by the lake. And we are pretty sure
that himself is up to something.
That old scrooge, Hailstock or
Haystack or whatever his name is.
Greedy sod. Knows the price of
everything and the value of nothing.
Well how much do we owe the
scrounger?
-I think it's about...
-1,362,000 euros.
Scheming, lobster faced, thief.
You're purposely trying to squeeze
us out so you can rob us of the land.
Where in heavens did you get an
idea like that?
Speaking of heavens, perhaps some
Hail Mary's and a spot of good...
...old-fashioned grovelling to your
maker might come in handy.
I will not stand by and have you take
the name of the Blessed Virgin Mary.
It's a kick up the arse you need.
-Now, don't you be getting...
...your hands dirty, you're a priest.
I'll belt him, you can get...
...the big fellow upstairs
to forgive me.
Hailstock, you've said your piece,
now get out of our pub.
Unless I'm mistaken, this is one
piece of property that you don't own.
Give me time, my dear.
Give me time.
-Now. Before I forget I'm a pacifist.
Since when were you a...
-Pettikreep!
-Yes, sir?
Hand it to them.
-Get out!
-That's right, get out!
-It's a notice of foreclosure.
-What did he say?
-We've got 90 days to pay.
-90 days?
But it's not our fault. Hailstock
controls most of the jobs.
Father, may I say something?
Let's all be quiet for the wonderful
Michael O'Malley.
Shush, Brian McNulty,
you be quiet now.
I have an idea.
You see, sometimes in America small
towns will raffle off a vintage car...
...or a piece of land or whatever
to raise money for the community.
But what do we have, other than a
bankrupt village?
-We got this.
-What?
You mean Finnigan's?
It's the only building we own, that
Hailstock doesn't.
But if the village goes belly up,
then he'll put a lean on us...
...personally. And it'll fall
right into his lap.
However, if we can sell it to an
outsider.
Then he won't be able to get his
greedy hands on it.
Well, what do you think?
Who's with me?
Well I think it's a grand idea. I'm
with you Michael.
-Well I think it's shite!
-Aye, me too.
Shite!
Put some money in the box...
Go on folks, put your money in
the box now.
You can put some money in the box.
In the bucket, we want to make
sure we make that clear.
All right? Bucket.
-Get out of my way, man. No way.
They don't want to pay me?
You know what I'm saying? I'm out
there dancing my ass off.
More bills, more bills.
Yo.
-Is this James Winston McDevitt?
No, it's Mr Nigger, but I'll take
a message for him.
This is No Escape Debt Collection
Services. You will be disconnected...
...unless you make a payment of
I got the 16 cents part covered.
-Yeah?
-McDevitt, this is the landlord.
When are you going to pay the rent?
-Look here baby...
What's your name baby?
-Marlene.
Pay the rent? Who, what?
Why would you want to do
this to me? I'm dying.
My liver's messed up. I got
a problem with my scrotum.
My heart locked up one time,
you know what I'm saying?
I got my nieces and nephews
around the bed one nut fell out.
Your nut fell out. Don't die uncle,
there it go on the floor.
So, you know, what I need from
you, right now, is compassion.
Hello?
Kiss my black ass.
I'm going to pay some of these
bills, too.
I'm in a jam as Jimmy the hustler.
You know what I'm saying?
You oregano, but a nigger won't
know.
You all need some elevation in
your life, you understand me?
Enlighten yourself.
How much is this going to take off?
-300 is good enough for me.
This is holiday season, you know?
You have to eat and all that...
Here's the dollars.
It's all there, smart ass.
Excuse me for a minute, enjoy that.
What the hell is that?
Whoever is outside the door,
you might want to go to any other...
...door. Ain't nothing but murder,
death, kill up in here.
Come round here messing with
me, you young ass fool.
Jimmy.
Psycho, you know I was just getting
ready to call you on the phone.
-Jimma, Jimma Jimmy.
-Hey, Psycho, psycho.
You think you were going to say your
wedding vows to me over the phone.
Yeah, I was gonna say them over
the phone.
-Over the phone, Jimmy?
-'Cause I was working.
Like ring, ring, 'hello?'
Over the phone.
Collect?
-Baby, look...
...we should discuss this because,
you know...
Like, talk about it. Is that what
you want to do with me, Jimmy?
-We need to discuss it.
-Ok, but after I break your neck.
Come back here.
I love you, but damn, you better
open up this door.
I love you, Jimmy.
Get off me!
-I love you, Jimmy!
-I love you too, baby.
I love you, Jimmy!
Yeah, you want more?
Plenty more of this junk!
Hey, what the hell you
crazy white folks doing?
Give me the stuff!
Damn it, McDevitt, that's what
happens when you don't pay your rent!
All right, back up. Back up!
Don't come back!
No, take it!
Take it!
Shit ain't real, anyway.
It ain't Bobo, it's Hobo.
Didn't want to stay at your
apartment, no way.
Jimmy got other things in life.
I got plans.
You'll all see.
For sure.
Yeah, I always wanted to live on an
island.
Jimmy. Hi, Jimmy!
Hi!
Well, as you all know, it was a tie
between two poems.
So our very own Kathleen Duffy has
been nominated to pick the winner.
I'll put them face down and you just
pick one of them when you're ready.
The winning poem is called Freedom.
I think someone a little easier on...
...the eye would be more qualified
to read this.
How about it, Maureen?
When are you going to make an
honest woman of her, Michael?
Hey, I volunteer. After all it's a real
man she'll be needing, O'Malley.
Did someone speak there?
Was it a real man did you say?
It's not what I've heard.
What are you two idiots laughing at?
I tell you she's too much woman
for O'Malley.
'Freedom, The great divide,
The unknown truth, the intangible.
'The lure of the oppressed,
the lie of oppressors.
'No one is free. Nothing is free.
'No one ever was and nothing
ever will be.
'To manifest the notion of our
inalienable right...
...is to play to their dogma.
Dante was right.
-Who the feck is Dante?
-'They feed us true lies...
...and we swallow it whole.
Fear is the fuel, for many I know.
'Through the morning
mist, a welcoming light.
'It must be Finnigan's so
calm and so bright.
'Gimme a glass of cold beer.
And I'll tell you what I know.
'That if it's Freedom you want.
Then you gotta fight, fight, fight.
I'm not very good at doing things
like that.
-Very well read.
-Thank God! He must be Irish.
Well, how much money did you
raise, anyway?
The contest netted almost one
million euro.
That's not bad, like. Top.
Unfortunately, we're still quite a
bit short. But I reckon our new...
...landlord will have a few ideas
how we can raise the balance.
If there's one thing the Yanks
are good at it's business.
Well, that's fine, 'cos the bloody
Yank can pull the feckin' balance...
...out of his feckin' arse.
-No need for that kind of language.
Will someone please pass my scalpel.
To hell with the lot of youse.
Will you raise your glasses, to
himself, our new landlord.
The long lost son of Ireland.
What the...?
Hey! All right. What's happening?
It ain't 'Temptation Island', but
we'll make it work.
'Welcome to Ballywood'.
Hollywood to Ballywood.
Well, don't everybody talk at once.
What? Hey this ain't
no clansman rally, is it?
What the KKK, what you talking about?
-Cad mile filte.
-Does somebody speak English?
-Welcome to Ballywood.
They're the deeds to Finnegan's pub.
-Finnegan's, yes, the prize.
I'm having my attorney look this
over, you know what I'm saying?
Oh, I appreciate that.
Welcome, yes.
What the hell is that man?
Where is the Cristal?
Don't you all people know how
to throw a party? Come on!
I'm just arriving, there's
supposed to be some balloons.
Black man coming through. What?
You all playing with me right now.
All these faces. All right, where
the native girls?
Alright, bring on the native girls,
where are the native women?
-Supposedly you're referring to me.
-No, I was thinking about...
...the ones with big bootys.
You know, you'll do.
I mean, we gotta work some
things out, a little makeover.
Pluck the eyebrows, collagen
injection in the lips because...
...I like them big.
-I'm homely.
Is that what he said?
What's happening? Look out girl,
you know we'll do a couple of things.
Yeah, we can flip this.
-Father Duffy.
Father Duffy. James McDevitt.
You know some people call me
Jimmy da Jam in high circles.
You know, with me Dre, Snoop
and all us be hangin out, you know.
Say a prayer for me to make
sure this deed is correct.
Otherwise, I might have to get
South Central up in here.
You know what I'm saying? Don't
understand how I played war.
I like the outfit, the collar is
working.
Stay away from the little boys.
-He's, he's a...
-What's up fellahs? How's it going?
He's the new landlord of
Ballywood's only pub.
I love this village already.
-The door sticks.
-So do I baby, so do I.
-Is everything else to your liking?
-No, not really, you know.
But I'm going to make it work, baby.
Right then, we'll leave you
to get some rest.
I'm sure you'll be needing your
strength for the native girls.
Make sure there's no fat ones.
I got a thing with the fat ones.
Anything over 85 kilograms
ain't to my liking, you know.
I like them potek, peteek, poe teak.
Not really po, but kind of teaky.
I want something nice and slim,
got a nice little bottom on it.
You know, something I can really
work with. Because they broke...
...the mould when they made me, baby.
I'm telling you.
I think that's the smartest thing
you've said since you arrived.
Oh, that's me! S.M.A.R.T. Smart.
S.M. Art. Smart.
-You can spell, good.
-Smart. Enough to get my own club.
Doing it P Diddy style. Going to
get some action going on up here.
It ain't Jamaica, but I'm gonna
'ja make' the best of it.
Bye, bye. Right, is that
everything do you think?
Would you like some help with them
Groceries, or would you prefer...
...himself to be carrying them
for you? The new landlord.
Shouldn't youse lot be getting back
to the zoo before it closes up for...
...the night? Or perhaps a swift kick
up the ass'll get you there quicker?
Now, out of the way.
I'll not be looking to fight the
weaker sex.
Me neither, but in your case I'll
make an exception.
There's something I can do for
you, boys?
No, Father. Just catching up
with the gossip.
Good to see you taking an interest
in the welfare of the village.
Off youse go now.
See youse all at mass on Sunday?
-Yes, Father.
-And confession on Saturday?
-Yes, Father.
They're lovely boys.
So, is he a Catholic?
-Who?
-Well, you know, the new fellow.
-I don't know, I didn't ask.
Aye, not to worry, I can always
convert him. If not, eh?
She can always whip him into
shape with her tongue.
If that fails, he can bore him into
submission with his hell stories.
-You're a hard woman, Maureen.
-Must be genetic, right?
So, what do you think of the
gold tooth?
You like it, do you?
And himself? Do you think he's
a bit mad or just a bit hyper?
What, do you think he's scared?
I suppose I would be, too with the
likes of the McNultys waiting...
...to pounce. McNulty zombie. I am a
McNulty and I am a stupid zombie.
Is that your best zombie? Come
on you can do better than that!
Now make sure you idiots don't
mess this up!
There's plenty more where this
comes from.
Consider it a down payment.
You alright, Grandad?
You're awful quiet.
-Well, what's to become of us?
-What d'you mean?
-We'll be invaded surely!
-What, by the Vikings?
-No, them rappers and their gangs.
-Are you mad?
No, I know them bloods and crisps.
Oh, it'll be like that film the
'Boys and their Hoods'.
-What?
-There'll be naked bootys on...
...every corner. There'll be
gangsters with them,...
...Dirty Harry guns selling that
crackaine stuff.
And there'll be them driveaways and
people popping each other's arses.
I can't believe you. You're the one
who taught me to have an open mind.
My God!
-I tell ya, I had you there!
You're just a big kid, grandad.
Kathleen! Your dinner's ready.
Well, come on, what's really
the matter?
Well, we're close to 400,000 short
of settling the mortgage payments.
And that's without even paying
off the principle.
-And what is the principle?
-It's about seven millions.
Seven million euros?
Why did no one tell me that?
Because we knew you'd shoot your
mouth off and you'd get mad.
That's not true.
Seven million, oh my God!
What are you, a bunch of idiots?
There you go, you see. You're on a
roll. You're constantly persistent.
I need some air.
-Yeah? Air?
I think it's a drink more likely.
I hope you have money, because the
new landlord might not accept credit.
Come on, grace please.
Shall I say it? For what we're
about to receive may the Lord...
...make us truly thankful.
Amen.
-You all right?
-Aye, yeah. I'm all right.
Jimmy Jam is a freak of nature.
Work it boy, you can break it backs.
Give me some of that four-leaf
clover. Bend over it.
You look like you're Irish.
You're lucky, 'cos I'm here.
-Hey, baby.
-Would you look at that?
You ain't ever getting any.
And we'll not be taking another drop
from Finnegan's 'till he's out...
...from behind that bar!
Oh, good evening, lads.
Tell me, what's going on?
-We're having a meeting.
-Oh, what's it about?
-About where to go for a drink.
-Yes, now I'm thinking...
...that's a very difficult one.
-That's right, it is.
Being as there's only one pub
in the village.
-Hey, but himself's in there.
-He's black in case you didn't notice.
-No, but it could rub off.
-Jesus, no?
Come on. Come in for a jar,
my shout.
And we thought you was one of
us, Pat Duffy. An Irishman.
Well, now maybe I am as that's what
it says on my birth certificate.
Then why are you off to consort
with one of them?
Did you know that in America we
were known as the Gren Niggers?
-That's a lie everyone!
-Toasted Irishmen.
And in England as recently as the
fifties. There were many...
...guesthouses that had signs up
saying, no blacks, no dogs, no Irish.
-Well, the English can kiss my ass.
-No, they can't.
And the famous journalist who said,
'Now that Kennedy is President...
...the Irish are almost white'.
Do you see any paralel in that?
-I don't see nothing of the sort.
-Then you're a lot thicker than...
...I gave you credit for. And I won't
be hanging around here.
I'm away for a drink.
-It's not fair. I'm dying out here.
Aye me too, I thought we were
meant to be infiltrating.
Not standing about like idiots.
-You're a traitor, Pat Duffy.
I know it, and I've a desperate
thirst and I'm going to quench it.
-He looks like a packet of M and Ms.
-If you stuck a plug up his arse...
...you could light up the
whole of Ballywood.
Thank God, you haven't got access
to your full optics, Danny.
What's Crack-a-lacking? I know a lot
of you all are in a state of shock.
But that's all right, I'm here to
help. Where I come from we kick it.
I'm going to resurrect some
people. I'm going to do a Jesus.
-What's he saying?
-It beats the hell out of me.
But he's got balls I'll give him
that big ones.
-I don't want no body tripping.
-Tripped? Who tripped?
Where's my medical bag?
-Yeah. Oh, by the way...
...free drinks for everybody!
All right, Gramps! Break it down.
Now I know a lot of you are saying
to yourselves 'All right, who is...
...this Jimmy da Jam character? But
me like him style, all the while...
...come with a big coolade smile.
If you came to have some fun...
...put your glass in the
air, on the one, and say, 'hey'.
Everybody put your glass up
in the air and say, 'hey'.
Hey, we got some more people.
What can I get you?
-How's it going?
-Good, how are you doing?
-Great. Have you got any crisps?
-Crisp? Crisp.
-I think you call them chips.
-Chips! Yes, potato chips.
Thanks. All right?
I don't care, food stamps, if you
got them, hand them over.
Like blue ones red ones, you know
what I'm saying. We can transfer it.
Entertainment in the house tonight.
Is your new landlord.
So we're going to hit it like this.
Hello, good evening, we're
going to do a little number.
And I hope you dig it 'cause I'm
digging you digging it, dig that.
What? That's great. I don't
understand a word of it, but great.
-Interesting, don't you think?
-Definitely.
I mean... Kathleen thinks so.
She thinks he's great.
-It's Kathleen that likes him, is it?
Have you not got drinks to serve?
I think he's fine.
What's this?
What's this?
-Leprechaun land!
-Leprechaun land? That's nice.
That's a good idea. It's kind of
like Disney. Without a mouse, but...
...it's got this little leprechaun
dude. The kids will like that.
So this Lord Hailstock owns
the entire village?
He inherited the land. He owns
everything. Except Finnegan's.
-No wonder you all hate the English.
-That's outdated.
We just don't like anyone who takes
advantage of us.
-40 acres and a mule.
-What's that?
When President Lincoln freed the
slaves the government promised...
...all of us like 40 acres
and a mule.
Black people got happy. We started
running around, break dancing.
We're still break dancing.
Still waiting.
We didn't get a doggie, ain't
seen an acre.
It's funny. Someone offers you an
aspirin and gives you a headache.
Pettikreep. I trust you've had time
to review the surveyor's report.
-Yes, Your Lordship.
-Good.
Then we can proceed.
-As long as no one minds...
...Leprechaun Land being under water.
-What?
The whole area's a bog land, sir.
Anything built there would sink...
...faster than a pint of
O'Malleys, sir.
-Has anyone else seen this report?
-Not a soul, sir.
-Well see that it remains that way.
-But sir...
-Is there a problem?
-It's bog land, sir.
Legally we're supposed...
-I've always envied you, Pettikreep.
-Yes, Sir?
-Blessed as you are with a steady...
...job, a generous employer and
a warm, cosy place to live.
Yes, Sir.
It would devastate me to see
you on the streets, penniless.
Yes, Sir.
I want you to contact our
people in Los Angeles.
I need to know everything there is
to know about our new landlord.
I have to have that pub to
conclude the deal.
Pettikreep?
-Yes, Sir?
-Never forget who butters your bread.
-Yes, Sir.
So this Hailstock's going to suck
everybody dry, huh?
Yeah, like a leech and we stand to
lose everything.
Well, it ain't like things are
bopping around here you know.
This amusement park would be good for
business. Everybody can make money.
The pub, which I own.
-Yeah but at what cost? I mean...
...we lose this fight, we stand to
lose everything that's made this...
...community what it is.
You know.
Money doesn't always buy
you happiness.
It's what you do
with it that counts.
Yeah, you got to spend it
on the finer things in life.
-Good night, then.
-Good night.
Hey Jimmy! You know...
I've often thought that our two
cultures were very similar.
You know... I watched 'The
Commitments' seven times.
Yeah?
Well I thought that 'Jungle Fever'
was... how would you say it?
'All good'.
Well, I'm getting a little jungle
flu out here.
You're okay Jimmy, just a bit
misguided is all.
This is a photographic moment, let
me put this in the memory bank.
You're just a bit misguided, is all.
Go away.
-All right.
Stay!
Did you hear that?
All right, son.
It's me, Father Duffy.
You're safe now.
-Do you know where you are, Jimmy?
-Would you like a drop of whiskey?
-Now, let's be taking a look, then.
Now Jimmy, I want you
to follow me finger.
A bit of a shock to his system, but
other than that I'd say he's in...
...perfect shape. Apart from his dress
sense, now that may be incurable.
But he can't be moved, not yet.
He'll be fine.
Come on let's get him upstairs.
He can have my room for the night.
-Your bed?
-If you're volunteering yours...
Oh, Hey Jimmy.
Did I wake you?
That's just how I'm going to
bite you.
Then, I'm going to chew you up,
Jimmy.
Eat it.
Hey, Princess.
Are you standing guard?
You hear what happened last night?
He lucky I didn't see him.
If I'd have seen him, I'd have been
straight Bruce on him.
You know, I trained with
Bruce personally.
You don't believe me?
Why you don't believe me?
My Daddy taught Bruce's
Daddy's, Daddy's, Daddy's uncle.
In the Shaolin Temple.
Who had feelings for
Ling Ling Chow?
You know that's what would have
happened, if I'd have seen him.
That's when you know they're scared,
they have to sneak up on you, see.
He ain't going to come man to man,
face to face with me.
Jimmy da Jam.
-Can I come in?
-Come on in.
I'm going to tell you
the rest later.
-So how you feeling better?
-I feel like a Hollywood hooker...
Ah! Excuse me, this is not
for her ears thank you.
Yeah, she's just talking up a storm
I mean chatter Kathy over there.
I think she's got the gift of the
gab. She just hasn't unwrapped it.
Homework time.
-Homework.
Homework is good.
Stop all that talking!
Have you been feeding her a load
of old rubbish, have you?
Just the part about homework
being good and learning. Boring.
You do have a tendency to
exaggerate, don't you?
Exaggerate me? No. See the lump on
my head is not an exaggeration.
And that foot that was in my ass
wasn't an exaggeration.
-So you have no idea who jumped you?
-I have no idea but I'll never...
...forget that funky breath.
-I put your clothes in the washing...
...machine on a bright colours
cycle so that should cover it.
You've a bath run, and I've put you
out some proper clean clothes.
Clothes? Hey, I'm naked!
Well, did you expect me to put
you in with them?
Don't get your knickers in a twist
I've seen it all before.
I've cooked and cleaned for my grand
dad and brothers since I was nine.
I'll see you later.
And apparently it's not true what
they say about black men, is it?
Hey, it was cold!
Cold, you know, it was cold.
Hey, it's like a pole.
You can put a flag on it.
She don't know I was born with one
leg. I had to learn how to walk.
I've got to take my shoe off
everytime I go to the bathroom.
Now I've blown right overseas.
Brought the world down to their
knees. I got the fireplace...
...chilling in the back, bubbles all
around. I might give the young lady...
...a heart attack, I know she's
telling me.
What she say? I know she
telling me.
Ain't even got a car. Here we go,
I'm at the bar.
Drinks on me, set everybody free.
It's on the house. Big West
tunes, the west side.
Come on, the east coast
doin' the most.
Jesus! Michael you scared the
living daylights out of me.
I heard what happened.
Is he okay?
Yeah, he's on the mend.
Can you not hear him?
-He stayed the night, then?
-Doctor said not to move him.
Breakfast in bed?
Michael I'm not sure I like where
this conversation is going.
Look Maureen.
I know I'll never be able to replace
Frank. And I don't expect to.
But I think it's time I made an
honest woman of you.
-Michael I...
-No, please. Let me finish.
I know I'm not perfect and I know
you don't love me.
But I'm sure you could learn to
in time.
And besides, Kathleen needs a
father figure in her life.
And you know I love her like me own.
-Yeah.
Well, what do you say?
Well, I suppose when you put it
like that, it makes sense.
It's just...
-Hey, Michael.
-Hey.
What happened to your hair?
Everything good?
-Yeah, it's all good.
Look at that, don't we look fine.
-Styling and profiling, baby.
-I'd say almost Irish.
-I know how to put things together.
Oh, and domesticated too.
Good, I like that in my rappers.
So, Jimmy tell me...
...what do you want out of life?
What's going to make you happy?
Let's see, peace on earth. No,
that's the answer that models give.
I want to be rich and famous,
you know what I'm saying?
Because me and music are one.
Music is like my best friend.
I could make it, too;
all I need is a shot.
All right.
So when you perform at Finnegan's...
...why do you always impersonate
someone else?
-That's what I do, that's who I am.
-No, it's not who you are.
It's who they're. I think you should
spend more time being yourself.
I've never seen Kathleen this
happy.
And it's you that does it, it's not
those fellows that you impersonate.
Well, you know, I've got
magnetism, like electro-magnetism.
That's the female species,
you know, the girls love me.
Oh, okay, you want to start now?
-I did a little bit.
-Oh, here's a whole lot.
-Wait, stop it!
You know my mama used to play
this song called 'Jimmy Mac'.
-Pettikreep?
-Yes, sir.
I've received some very valuable
information from the City of Angels.
It seems our Mr McDevitt wouldn't
know a straight line if it jumped...
...up and bit him on the arse. And
it would probably die of food...
...poisoning. In short one of life's
losers. A bit like you Pettikreep.
-Yes, sir.
-So you're going to make him a...
...financial offer he won't refuse.
I can't rely on those idiot...
...McNultys alone.
-Certainly, sir.
-Oh, and Pettikreep?
-Yes, sir?
No mistakes. When I pull this off,
I'll be rich beyond my dreams.
Come on, Chappie!
What up Mr Pettikreep? What can
I do for you this fine day?
Oh well, that's a lot of cheddar.
No, I mean cheese, cash man, cash.
We can come to some kind of
agreement. I'm a businessman...
...business is what I do.
And the deal was, if I didn't come
up with the money I had to marry...
...their sister. She got all
emotional, gave me some honeymoon...
...money and I lost it
in a crap game. Then I split.
What you just left the little lady
standing at the altar?
Little lady? We're talking 140
kilograms pit bull, block jaw.
Have you ever been married?
-Yeah, I was once.
-What happened?
-It's a long story.
Talk to me now, talk to me.
-Okay, he was called Frank.
-He was called Frank? Is that his...
...name or they just called him Frank.
Hey Frank, but real name was Doug?
No, his name was Frank we say it
here differently.
His name was Frank and
we met a university in Dublin.
So we got married and got
pregnant... well, I did obviously.
Well, if he got pregnant, you know,
we need to study him.
-Do you want to hear the story?
-Come on, girl.
Anyway, Kathleen adored him, he
was an amazing father.
But one day he took
her shopping and...
They were hit by a drunk driver.
Frank was killed.
She didn't have a mark on her.
See, supposedly he protected her
from the impact with his body.
It was like he was making a deal
with god.
It was either, you know,
his life for hers.
She was only four years old. Can
you imagine, four years old?
And he died in her arms.
She hasn't spoken a word since.
-It's going to be all right.
-I know, we just...
...take one day at a time
and we live in hope.
If you ever hurt her or you
disappoint her...
...I promise you, I'll kill you.
Did somebody just threaten me
with bodily harm?
Well, it's either that or I drop
a line to the Psycho lady.
-Hey, kill me don't call the psycho.
-You'd rather be killed?
-Yes, dead, gone, buried, dirt. Hey!
-Hello, Angel.
-How you doin' there, Princess?
-How are you doin?
Stop it, that's greedy.
Where's mine then?
-The whole village is talking.
-Well, it's all very confusing.
He's a nice enough fella, if you
make out what he's saying.
But him and my only granddaughter...
Oh, it is a bitter pill to swallow.
-It's not a colour thing now, is it?
-God forbid, I'm no racist. Jesus!
I'd always hoped that Michael
and Maureen would be wed.
He's a fine fellow, he's a bit
boring but he'd be a good father...
...to Kathleen. I want good things
for them.
Be careful, Da.
Maureen's old enough to make
her own decisions.
Shove too hard one way, you may
wind up pushing her the other.
Well, I'll be leaving you.
You know Da? I've not seen
Maureen this happy for years.
Kathleen, well she may finally be
about to open up, you know?
Well, you missed your calling.
You should have been one of
them psychological fellas.
What, there's a difference?
See? Jimmy da Jam' s a
professional martial artist.
Now you have your hand here,
because once you block...
...you come through and strike
with the action.
Then, as soon as they come,
jump up in them. All right?
Jimmy Da Jam will teach you some
more tomorrow, once I've loosened up.
Have you no shame, Maureen Duffy?
Bringing disgrace on your own kind?
Walking around hand in hand with
yon fellow.
Aye, he's alright fighting
with the kiddies.
Unless you want to be trying them
moves on a grown man?
Come on, Jimmy the Raspberry
Jam man.
Show young Kathleen what
a big fella you are.
I thought so.
-Come on.
Come on.
-These yanks are all the same.
All mouth, no action.
-What did you say?
I'm so sorry. Are you okay?
Oh God, Jimmy are you okay?
-You hit like a girl. I'm cool.
Come on, let's not be hanging
around with the riff raff.
We're not hanging around with
the riff raff.
You know, they're lucky
you were there.
Because, I was about to go
Bruce on them, you know.
I just use the art of
fighting without fighting.
I left some stew on stewing. I want
to make sure it's stewing properly.
Put some spices in it, you know?
Us black people like it spicy.
All right, catch up with you all
later. Don't forget what I told you.
Hey, Jimmy?
I'm really sorry.
Macho man, baby.
Come on. What youse looking at?
Come on, love.
Please excuse the interruption,
Lord Hailstock.
My name is Suzuki.
-Suzuki?
The Suzuki?
The Japanese industrialist?
It has been brought to my attention
that you are planning to build...
...100 million dollar theme
park in Ireland.
And I would be very interested to
invest in such a project.
I can offer you 90% of the funding
and charge no interest on the loan.
You put in other 10%. I will give
you first recoupment.
Oh, indeed, well that sounds
reasonable.
I think it would be prudent
for us to meet.
I will organise my trip
as soon as possible.
-Great. I look forward to see you.
-So do I. Sayonara.
Pettikreep!
Pettikreep, can you hear me?
Pettikreep!
-Yes, sir?
-Bring me a bottle of the '53.
-Immediately, sir.
-And Pettikreep?
-Yes, sir?
-Did you handle that situation?
-I spoke with him.
It won't be a problem.
He was very agreeable.
I thought so. Bloody yanks will do
anything for money, especially him.
-Good morning, to you all.
-Good morning, Father.
Now, as you all know we have a
new addition to our little family.
So, I thought it would be a good idea
to spice up the sermon a little bit.
In the beginning was the word.
You heard.
It took flight like a bird,
on the wings of truth.
It flies, gives the structure to
all lives. Wipes the tears...
...from men's eyes.
So don't cry.
For Adam and Eve, you and me.
Lord above the King of Kings
sets us all free. Hit it, Da!
Allow me to introduce my new partners
Mr Suzuki and Mr Yamamoto.
Now it seems your little contest
has left you somewhat short.
But, as I'm kind and caring
there'll be no evictions.
Thousands of tourists will soon
be upon us.
And Mr Suzuki has kindly agreed
to offer some of you jobs.
Although menial, it will be a
living. Those of you fortunate...
...enough to be selected. Will
of course be required to wear...
...the official theme park uniform.
Pettikreep.
The pointy shoes haven't arrived
yet. But being as they are one...
...size fits all, I'm sure
they'll be nice and snug.
I'd sooner suck a dead dog's eye
than wear that.
Haven't you done enough damage
to this village already?
Hailstock. This is a house about
the good word.
I ain't got nothing but bad words
for you, so you might want to...
...agitate the ground.
-Right Jimmy. Go on!
Leave you mother...
Excuse me.
Right on. Just go.
And take this Leprechaun with you.
Shame on you.
You know, your mother's got the
sweetest voice I ever heard.
I bet you could sing like that if
you wanted to.
Yeah, I bet you could sing like
Mariah or Janet.
You know, I know Mariah personally.
You don't believe me?
You know, for a quiet little girl,
you see a lot. Run along, now.
I've got to hand it to you, you've
certainly a way with the ladies.
Yeah, but I could never keep them.
Sooner or later they figured me out.
What about you? I mean, what
you going to do?
-About what?
-About what?
You and Maureen.
I mean she needs you. Kathleen
really needs you.
I've tried, Jimmy. Believe me
I have.
But she doesn't seem comfortable
with the idea. It's you she seems...
...to have taken a liking to.
-Me?
-Yeah.
-Me and Maureen?
Mike you're tripping.
It'd never work out.
Besides, you know, I've got my
career to think about, man.
I've got people to see, places to
go, money to make.
You got to keep fighting, man. Its
like my Granpappy did, World War II.
Patton said, 'give me all the black
men, let's see what they can do'.
He joins, they whipped them Germans
all the way back to Berlin, man.
God bless his decorated black ass.
He's a great man. Yes, Lord.
That's a hell of a speech, Jimmy.
But isn't that what you are doing...
...giving up?
Shut up.
Did you bring it?
Here's the information. My Lord
said to make good use of it.
Pettikreep! What the hell are you
doing down here? Slacking as usual.
Any news?
-Just had confirmation that the...
...Japanese funding has been
transferred into the Leprechaun...
...land account.
All those zeros, bloody marvellous.
What happens when the Japanese
find out that the land isn't fit...
...for building on?
-Well, it works like this.
I raise 10 million euros.
Mortgaging the entire village...
...and all its contents to the hilt.
Suzuki provides the other 90 percent.
I immediately award 20 million in
bogus building contracts to my own...
...dummy companies. As soon as the
Japs find out that the land round...
...here has the consistency of sponge
cake, Suzuki will quietly take back...
...his cash in order
to avoid a scandal.
Minus of course the 20 million
I've already siphoned off.
I pay back my creditors and
pocket a cool 10 million.
-Genius, sir.
-I think so.
Talking of Finnegan's, I do believe
the show is about to start.
Oh, and Pettikreep?
-Yes, Sir?
Not a word. Remember who
butters your bread.
Don't think I could forget, sir.
McDevitt!
-Jimmy! Jimmy stop!
-What?
I think we've got visitors.
McDevitt, we need you outside now.
What on earth's going on?
-Hey, what's up, fellas?
-McDevitt, you're a liar and a cheat.
And I knew it all along.
Aye, we found out about the
Dirty Dime man.
And how you stole his song!
Ya rogue git, ya !
Pack up and get out of
Ballywood now.
-You leave him alone. Do ya hear me?
-Shut up and be quiet!
Now, Jimmy, I've read the words.
And it does seem that your poem...
...has been lifted from this
Dime fella's record.
Can I see that for a second,
Father?
Dirty Dime.
Dirty Dime. Yeah, he used to be
with that group Nickel and Dime.
I was going to play the cut for you.
He went solo, Dirty Dime.
Well... You caught me. I'm dirty,
he's dirty, it's a dirty situation.
Hey, guilty as charged.
Somebody got some handcuffs?
For god's sake, it just a poem.
Its not the end of the world.
We've all done things we regret.
-We've all done poems.
Trust you to stick up for him.
The man is a liar and a thief.
Are you satisfied now?
You can go home.
Not yet.
Is it true, that you intend to sell
Finnegan's to Lord Hailstock?
What?
-Tell them it's not true.
-Of course, it's true.
Now, that's my business.
Now look, we've a right to know.
Tell us the truth and we'll take...
...your word for it.
-That's right.
Or do I need to knock it out of you
again? Like I did last time?
Only this time, you won't get up
so quick.
-So, it was you?
-Ah yeah, I'd recognise that...
...breath anywhere.
You know what McNulty? Why don't you
pucker up and kiss my black ass.
You messed up now, boy.
If he's innocent, the good Lord
will be with him.
-Come on.
-Come on.
Keep the nigger in the net.
Let me go!
-Where's my medical bag?
-I'm going to whoop your ass.
Good afternoon.
Prepare to fly, McDevitt.
That'll teach you to mess with a
McNulty. Just so you know there's...
...plenty more where that came from.
-You kicked the shite out of him.
I told you he was shite.
You know, I trained with Bruce,
personally. You don't believe me?
Excuse me.
Which one of you hobbits want it?
-See? You want some, do you?
Come on, give him to me.
Yes, Lord. I believe in God.
Didn't I tell you, he was one of us?
He even fights like an Irishman.
Aye, but he still hasn't explained
about selling out to Hailstock.
Shut up! He'd never do something
like that, would you?
Jimmy, tell them.
Jimmy, tell them.
How could you? Why would you
do something like that?
But if you sell it to Hailstock,
that's the end of the village.
So that's all we were to you,
was it?
A penny antiscam, a get rich quick
scheme. Trusting you...
...believing you was the biggest
mistake I've ever made in my life.
You're a cheat, you're a liar.
You're a phoney, you're a big
mouth and I hate you.
I never want to see you again.
You can go to hell.
-Hold my coat. Hold my coat!
-No, Pat! Don't!
Did the good Lord not forgive
Judas?
-Pettikreep, tea.
-Yes, sir.
Now, this had better be bloody
good this time in the morning.
Yes, sir. Got some information
for you.
The villagers have called
an urgent meeting, sir.
They're down at Finnegan's now, sir.
-Now?
I thought this was all over with.
Pettikreep, where's my bloody tea?
So, what's this meeting about?
-Nobody knows, sir. Secret.
I wonder what it could be.
Pettikreep.
-What is it, sir?
-It's empty.
-Oh sorry, sir. I'll get a refill.
No, the account, you idiot, it's
empty. I've been robbed.
What the bloody hell are you all
gawping at?
-Now, get on with it.
-Now be quiet, all of you!
What's this all about, Father? We
should all be home in our beds.
I don't know, Tom, but I'm sure
we're going to find out very soon.
What's up? How's it
hanging, Hailstock?
Don't bother saying
nothing, just listen.
By now you've probably figured out
your bank account's been emptied.
That's a lot of missing loochey.
We know about the land being no good.
And how you stash surveyor's report.
If my memory serves me, it's fraud.
Look, I don't want you to go to jail
for 20 years. So here's the deal.
You give back 10 million minus the
...helped me put this play together.
Fast Freddie and Diamond Jack.
Yo, what's up?
And of course, my friend, the mole,
which we'll get to later.
You'll need to be returning the cash
that the village paid you...
...for the contest.
-No...
Don't talk yet, I'm not done.
Also, you sign over Ballywood, all
the surrounding land,...
...including Finnigan's. This way
everybody gets what they want.
You walk away clean. I might have to
leak this to the press, you know.
Let's see, 'The Honorable Lord
Hailstock tried to scam investors...
...in a bad land deal'.
Oh, I say Mole...
...can you please pass the
agreement to the old boy there?
Okay, Your Lordship, we need
your signature on the dotted line.
Oh, and just so you know
we have some insurance.
It's a copy of the
surveyor's report.
Addressed to Lord Hailstock.
The minute my man Pettikreep is
alright I'll transfer the balance...
...back to your account.
Oh, one last thing. Don't come back.
The land belongs to the people.
Irish, that is.
I want you to get this Jimmy Da Jam
for me, I want you to stop him now.
Well, you idiots,
what are you waiting for?
We won't be needing your blood
money for what I have to do.
Come on.
By the way, I never did like butter
on my bread. I'm a jam man, myself.
Or to be more specific, a Jimmy Da
Jam man.
So you can stick your job up your
arse. I've got a plane to catch.
What time does the next boat leave
for the mainland?
What time does the boat leave for
the mainland?
Six o'clock.
Right.
-Go get him.
-Really?
Yeah.
Thank you.
Jimmy!
Jimmy McDevitt, will you stop
being so bloody stubborn.
You just going to leave and that's
it. You can't do that.
You can't just mess with people's
feelings like that.
What an idiot I've been. There was
I thinking that you actually cared.
-I do care.
-No, you don't.
Yes, I do.
For a moment there, Maureen,
I thought you and I had something.
-We do.
-You and Kathleen.
But I was just fooling myself.
-But...
-No, don't but.
I mean how many free beers I got
to give away in this village?
You can't buy acceptance, Lord knows
I tried, three times a Sunday.
Yeah, 'Jimmy's a likeable guy'.
But, you know what? Deep down
inside, they're all afraid of me.
Afraid of who I am. What they think
I represent.
So I didn't disappoint them. Pulled
off the scam of a lifetime.
But it's all over now. Its time for
Jimmy Da Jam to get back to...
...familiar territory, make
another quick buck.
And then what? You spend it and you
make another, and you make another...
...and another. Where does it all end?
Can't you see the emptiness of it?
Stay. Come on what have
you got to lose?
You can't keep on running, Jimmy.
What are you running from?
Everybody loves you.
Everybody loves you just
the way you are.
Are you going to make me say it,
I love you?
Okay. I love you.
Please, don't go.
Please don't go.
I got to go, Maureen.
I got to go.
-Jimmy.
-James McDevitt, you stop there!
Or as God is my witness, I will not
be responsible for my actions.
And that goes for me to. And
remember I hit twice as hard.
McDevitt!
You're a liar and a scam artist.
This time I'm going to
beat the hell out of you.
But only if you take one more step
towards that boat.
This village needs you.
Jimmy Da Jam man.
We'd like you to stay.
That's all of us.
-Jimmy!
-My God.
Jimmy.
Please don't leave. Me dad left me.
Don't you leave me, too.
Don't leave.
Maureen Duffy. Kathleen Duffy.
Do youse take this man, James
Winston Da Jam McDevitt...
...to be your lawful husband
and father?
I do.
Kathleen, you've not lost your
voice again, have you?
Yes.
Come on, come on!
Okay, then. You can count me in.
Thank the Lord for that.
With the powers passed on down
to me I now declare you a family.
Well, go on then, Jimmy. You're
legal, you may kiss the bride.
You don't have to tell me twice.
My dad was right about
the magic ones.
But then everyone has a little bit of
magic in them, don't you think?
What? You don't believe me?
Jimmy!
Get your black ass away
from that girl.
You're not going to get away from
me Jimmy. Surprise.
The long lost son of Ireland.
You know baby. There comes a time
in a man's life when a man's got...
...to do what a man's got to do.
And I just did it.
Yeah.
-Come on!
-Where we going with the...
Now I...
And domesticated, too.
Just how I like my rappers.
I like to wrap something up
myself every day.
For Christmas I wrap and I wrap.
Pettikreep, I trust you...
I've got cramp in my foot, sorry.
Eat, it just doesn't matter. They
don't know how to feed black...
...people here. We're gonna have to
teach them. Okey dokey.
We want to start with pancakes.
Who wants pancakes?
I want pancakes.
Pancakes, Pancakes!
I never had no bear before. A little
bear could be a good thing.
It seems he wouldn't know a straight
line if it jumped up and bit him...
...on the arse. And then it...
Come on stand now!
Behave... Forward... You bugger,
get over there!
Oh and Euen!
Hi, sorry.
D'you know cameraman, you're
Italian, just like Frank Sinatra.
Good friend of mine man, dig that
man. Okay, I'm ready. Reloaded.