Is Anybody There? (2008) Movie Script
I'd just like to say thank you all
for being here for our first year,
all of our lovely residents,
all looking so smart,
and for choosing us here at Lark Hall,
and for having a bit of faith in us.
And Merry Christmas!
Merry Christmas!
Merry Christmas.
Cheers.
And a Happy New Year.
When a man grows old
and his balls grow cold,
and the tip of his prick turns blue...
...when it bends in the middle
like a one-stringed fiddle,
he can tell us a tale or two.
What did Father Christmas bring?
I don't believe in him.
I shan't see another Christmas.
Mind you, if I was like her,
I'd shove my head in the gas oven.
Uhhh...
Mummy!
Mum!
What? I'm busy!
Eugh!
Arnold's dead.
Try and be careful!
Can I have my room back
now Arnold's dead?
No. But you can get in this sleeping bag
when he's finished with it.
Can we have a bit of respect, please?
Don't go in that room, Eddie!
'No, you bloody lift him,
you idle monkey! '
- I'm not Daley shitting Thompson!
- All right, Father, keep your hair on!
Set?
'I read it in The Daily Express. '
90% of small businesses go down
the tubes, apparently, in the first year.
I should stop you reading that paper.
Bloke in Scarborough hung himself
in his sporting goods shop.
Yeah, but people don't need
sporting goods.
They're always going to get old,
aren't they?
It's just teething troubles, Steve.
Kiss-kiss.
'Uhhhhh... '
What do you think you're playing at?
I could have killed you!
Oi! Come here!
And on Boxing Day, we went to the top
of Skidby Windmill and I got badge.
No, you got "a" badge.
Edward?
On Christmas Day, Arnold Doughty, 90,
went blue and died.
So far, there has been
no communication from him.
I think I've made a mistake, all right?
- Just give it a day. Please.
- No, I'm fine, thank you.
But we've just moved all that in.
I'm moving it back out again.
All right? It's my things, isn't it?
Who is he?
Some gaga old fart Social Services
have sent. Lost his wife.
Lives in a camper van. Like Popeye.
Clarence! We can get your stuff just how
you like. Take as long as you want.
- That's not a word.
- Yes, it is.
- "Taxi. "
- You're not playing properly.
Remember your first day at school?
It's a bit like that.
- It is a bit like that.
- The first night's the worst.
- Oh!
- I went as mad as her, first few nights.
Be quiet!
Otherwise the war will start again.
A lot of jabbering simpletons
rushing about, wetting themselves.
People you don't know
telling you what to do.
- I'm off.
- Hey!
Just give it a go.
This is temporary.
This is only temporary.
OK.
Why doesn't she let him go
if he wants to go?
She should do.
Then I can move back into my old room.
You can move back if you can pay us
50 quid a week.
'Tonight, haunted houses, ghost-hunting
'and the search for life after death.
'The most famous ghost-hunters
and their most famous cases... '
Lilian!
- Your daughter is on the phone.
- Mavis? Really?
Mavis, oh!
'Did a ghost leave these chilling
messages asking for prayers... '
'What do you think of their chances?
Who's going to win?
'I wouldn't like to predict that, Phil. '
What do you want ringing wastefully from
Canada? A stamp costs hardly nothing!
Mum! I want to watch "Arthur C Clarke"!
Mum!
What do you want doing with those?
Clarence wants to watch
"One Man And His Dog". He's paying.
- You're a naughty girl.
- It's about ghosts!
We're all naughty girls.
Oh, ball-bearings!
Wouldn't mind being alone with that one
in a long, dark railway tunnel.
- Can I get my wages, Kath?
- Sorry, yeah.
It's very important.
It's about recording ghosts!
He's saying what he does
when he wants to hunt them.
Steve, come here!
You want to say, "Would you mind
coming here if you're not too busy?"
That's what I said.
Watch the TV upstairs.
- You ordered me to come in there.
- The TV upstairs is haunted!
Why don't you do it then?
Please, darling!
Because I came in there last time,
dearest.
- You didn't come over here last time.
- I did.
Why don't you listen?
Sorry, love.
Will you sort out the TV for him?
Ena, you've pinched
the knives and forks again!
Yes, sir.
Arnold's ghost must have got into it
when he died.
Arnold's ghost has better things to do
than hanging around in a telly.
There, ghosts! Are you happy?
'Thermometers to detect
sudden fluctuations in temperature.
'And strange as it might seem,
'one might consider bringing
a dog or a cat
'as animals seem to react
to supernatural activity.
'Animals also provide
much-needed company. '
'Price's methods were thorough
and no nonsense.
'Like many scientists of his generation,
he believed it was a matter of time... '
What do you think happens
when you die, Dad?
Can't imagine it's all that different.
'A dog or cat allowed to roam freely.
'But most of all, it's imperative that the
entire building be cleared of inhabitants
'to allow the ghost-hunter to work
'in controlled conditions
without interruptions. '
Bastards.
Hello, pigeon.
Are you a magician?
No.
I'm a retired flasher.
This used to be my room until Arnold came.
Who's he when he's at home?
He's not anybody now. He's dead.
He died in that bed.
If you see anything supernatural,
do you think you can inform me?
Do you think you can bugger off?
Quack-quack!
Ah, ah!
Wuh... Wuh-wuh-wuh...
- What?
- One out!
Give me my ball back!
Wuh-wuh-wuh...
Come here!
Come here while I kick you!
You think they sent me here to be abused?
Get stuffed!
This is my house!
Big hand's at six,
little hand's at eight, Eddie!
Get out! Clear off!
Come here, you lot!
Come here, come on!
Never mind making a bid for freedom!
'It's all clear. False alarm. '
They are real people, not toys! They were
little boys and girls as well once!
I don't want to live here! I want things
to be like they were. I want my room back!
Mark my words! By the time he's 13, he'll
be sniffing glue out of a plastic bag!
Thanks, Lilian.
What did you want to say, Edward?
What do you want to say?
Oh, where are you off to with a grump on?
Go on, get yourself off to school.
Tell Mr Kelly
you had to go to the dentist.
Idiots!
Cow!
Wankerer!
Mummy!
Dad!
Easy way out. Coward's way out.
Just, you know, a cry for help.
That's all. Classic.
- A what?
- Never mind, big ears.
Don't say, "That's all," Steve. How
could we let him get to that? Poor fella.
We're going to have
to cheer this place up a bit.
I'm very sorry for smacking you.
Are you all right?
Come here.
You're very fortunate, you know.
I never met my grandparents.
And my mummy and daddy -
too far away for us to see them much.
You've got all these old people around
with all these amazing stories.
It's a privilege.
At least I think it is.
Do you...?
Don't be scared of death, love.
It's all right to be sad.
There's no point being scared.
I'm not scared.
I just want to know what happens.
- Nurse!
- I thought you might want your stuff.
Draw that curtain round.
And give me my left shoe.
- Did you want one?
- No...
Ta.
Sorry for setting the fire bell off.
Sorry I put a lot of talcum
on your floor and that.
Sorry for not saying sorry
when you ran me over.
And that time I chucked dirt on your head.
That's an awful lot of things
to be sorry for at such a young age.
Sorry.
Are you a magician?
- I gave it up.
- Why don't you start again?
Do me a favour.
When you...
Did...
Did you see any kind
of bright white light?
Or a tunnel with Jesus at the end?
As a matter of fact, I did.
This cross-eyed little herbert turned up
and yanked me back out.
That's what
you should be saying sorry for.
? That certain night
? The night we met
? There was magic abroad
? In the air
? There were angels dining at the Ritz
? And a nightingale sang
in Berkeley Square...?
Can someone inform me
what the hell you think you're playing at?
I'm stuck up here on my own
with nothing to keep my trousers up with!
Welcome home.
You know, if I want to top myself...
...I can jump out the window!
'There must be some way we can... '
'- They say love will find a way. Always.
- I don't deserve love from you.
'What I deserve is these crippled legs.
And reflect on what I've done... '
Forget it.
How much did that cost?
You can't put a price on looking good,
chucklebum.
How much is looking stupid?
Nice 'do, Stevie.
You want to watch where you're going.
Is this your grand passion?
Yeah. But I'm not supposed to.
They're all pictures of ghosts.
When they took that,
there was no one there.
Apart from that bloke.
- Please, please!
- What?
- What's his problem?
- Who?
Flash Gordon.
He was in a war.
What about the others?
Lilian's miserable. She trumps a lot.
Reg gets drunk.
Elsie was a dancing teacher,
but now has a plastic leg.
Prudence tears up toilet paper.
Ena thinks she's still the King's
housemaid and can't stop stealing stuff.
Clive's had a stroke,
so all he can say is, "One out. "
"Rage...
"Rage against the dying of the light. "
? The wheels on the bus go
round and round
? Round and round, round and round
? The wheels on the bus go
round and round
? All day long...?
They do go round and round,
don't they? Sometimes.
? The dogs on the bus go
woof, woof, woof
? Woof, woof, woof
Woof, woof, woof
? The dogs on the bus go
woof, woof, woof...?
Jesus Christ Almighty!
? All day long
All day long
? The babies on the bus go waa-waa-waa
? Waa-waa-waa
Waa-waa-waa...?
I can't put the two things together.
Lived on my own.
Well, myself and the missus.
You live on your own all your life,
then they think it's a great idea
to shove you together
with a load of strangers.
And what do the mummies on the bus say?
Anyone?
"Screw this," if they've got any sense.
- Everybody all right?
- Yes, thank you.
Nice to see you, Clarence.
? The mummies on the bus say
hush-hush-hush, hush-hush-hush...?
Oh, God.
I know something that would cheer you up.
You've got to be bleeding kidding!
Have one of your beers.
I want to show you something.
- Are you interested in ghosts?
- No, not in the slightest.
- I am.
- So I gathered.
I'm trying to catch them on tape.
Where are you going?
There's nothing in it. It's all bollocks.
- No, it's not.
- It is.
"Samuel Peet - not dead, only sleeping. "
He's gonna be pissed off
when he wakes up.
This is going to bring my piles down.
I need a coin.
Now you have to dance around it
a hundred times.
Their hand comes out
and you can ask it questions. Come on.
One.
Two.
98...
- What's happening?
- Nothing much.
99...
'There's lots of different ways to
contact them. Sances and Ouija boards. '
You can stand in front of a mirror
and say someone's name again
and again and again, then they'll appear.
- Does this apply to anyone?
- No, you have to be dead.
Is that your wife?
She looks like Dame Edna.
Shut up.
'Now it's good night from me.
'And it's good night from him.
Good night. '
Good... night!
Good night, sweet ladies.
Thanks for the mystery tour.
I'm not that bothered in the future.
My name's Edward.
Mine's Clarence.
? Simply because you're near me
? Honey, but when you're near me
? I'm in the mood for love
? Heaven is in your eyes
? Bright as the stars we're under
? Oh, is it any wonder
? I'm in the mood for love?
? Why stop to think of whether
? This little dream might fade?
? We've put our hearts together
? Now we are one
? I'm not afraid
? If there's a cloud above
? If it should rain, we'll let it
But for...?
Annie...
Annie...
Annie?
Annie...
Annie!
Annie...
Annie...
Annie?
Annie...
- Right, I'm knocking off.
- That's a good idea.
I'm off down The Ship.
- Do you mind if I get changed in here?
- In...?
Did you see "Top of the Pops" last night?
No, I don't watch it.
Who was on?
- No, I... I don't watch it neither.
- No.
Are you still with Mike or...?
No, I packed him in.
- We're both going away soon, so...
- University?
- That's it.
- I wish I'd gone sometimes.
I failed my Geography "A" level. There was
another question on the back of the page.
I finished half an hour before everybody
else. I'm thinking, "They're bloody slow!"
Do you want a lift?
Yeah, if you like.
Great. I'll just get me jacket on.
You smell like a tart's window box,
Steve! What have you got on?
Just something I were bought
for Christmas, you know.
'Uhhhh... '
This is what I've got to look forward to,
is it?
Can't you find something more
constructive to do? Learn a skill?
I only want to know what happens.
What happens is... is you think
the last thought you're ever gonna think
and then whatever it was
that used to be you... just goes.
Christ, it'd be lovely!
I've got lots of things I'd like to say.
But the curtain's come down,
unfortunately.
That's horrible!
It can't just be black! Don't take
the piss! It can't just be black!
Are you waiting for someone?
Yes, a little lad.
Your grandson, is he?
No.
Just a little lad.
Gaylord!
You don't have to come and get me.
Don't you want a game?
Nice weather for one.
I don't like football.
I was wondering if you might
accompany me on an expedition?
'Two fat ladies, 88.'
The bulb's broken.
Doesn't matter. The darker, the better.
Now, for those of you...
...who have never before sat at a sance,
there is absolutely nothing
to be fearful of.
Ghosts are very friendly sorts.
They like a nice little chinwag.
But they're very scared of loud noises
and sudden movements
which is the reason
why they're very rarely to be sighted
in discos and wrestling matches,
for example.
You shouldn't joke.
It'll make 'em vengeful.
Spirits, please accept
my mortal apologies.
Now, who are we hoping
to contact tonight?
- Anyone.
- OK, we'll try for anyone.
Is there anybody there?
Is someone in here?
- Who is it?
- Arnold?
Someone else?
Who?
It's "yes or no" questions only, I think.
Is there life after death?
- What's it like?
- Is it nice?
Are there any ghosts in this house?
Oh!
Are there any nice ghosts in this house
that don't want to scare anyone
or cause any bother or nothing?
Yeah.
? Happy birthday to you
? Happy birthday, dear Edward
? Happy birthday to you!?
- Eddie, good morning!
- Good morning.
- Do you like it?
- Yeah.
Thanks.
I'm going to have a shave.
Can I have a kiss, please...?
Thank you.
It's a special and glorious day today.
- Yeah.
- Canada is a country.
And my big God-bothering girl Mavis
is coming from there to see me today!
With her husband
who's got a plate in his head.
Of course, she's not a girl now,
little man. She's 66 years old.
I'm 11!
Well, she's six times better than you are,
isn't she?
Steve!
- What?
- Come here!
Oh, fantastic
Someone answer the door!
Who do you think you are?
Lord and Lady Aggleshite?
Tradesman's entrance!
Well, shake a leg!
- Oh!
- Got her.
- Mum!
- Happy birthday, mate.
- Back to your room! Quick sharp!
- Is she dead?
No, she's fine, she's fine.
What's all the fuss about?
She's had it. She's only just died!
Now stop that. Stop what you're doing!
She's just in her room with her things.
It's hard to know what to say.
Eddie, I'm worried
this is how the Yorkshire Ripper started.
He won't end up
like the Yorkshire Ripper!
Why are you so bloody morbid?
- Cos I live here!
- We are doing our best!
We used to go away for the day
on my birthday.
It doesn't entitle you
to do what you like!
Oh!
I heard Lilian's ghost.
It went "uuuuhhhh".
And I was too thick to turn the tape on.
That's the sound of the air passing over
the vocal cords as it comes out the lungs.
No, it's not.
Can we do another sance?
The proper reaction is to mourn
and celebrate their achievements
as human beings, then try to move on,
not stick a microphone up their nose!
I used to have a room
with Paddington Bear wallpaper.
Yeah, well, I used to have
a beautiful wife and all my own teeth.
Your life changes, buster.
And not always for the better.
You accumulate regrets
and they stick to you like old bruises.
Sorry.
Many happy returns of the day.
I'll teach you a few tricks.
I'll do you a magic show.
And you can rub out all of today.
And you can ask your pals.
I don't want a party.
Join hands and make contact
with the living, son!
You've got to keep it hidden, see?
Keep it in the knuckles. Go on.
You're lucky. You're still flexible.
Go on.
Now make it disappear.
Go on!
Pick it up.
Start again.
It doesn't start until September, does it?
Tanya!
God Almighty! Poor bunch of pricks!
Go on, ask him.
Ask him about your party.
Good afternoon, Bob.
I don't understand.
It doesn't take five months to pack!
Tragic, isn't it?
What were her achievements, then?
What was she like?
She was a manipulative,
passive aggressive...
...unkind old asshole.
? Wish me luck
as you wave me goodbye
? Cheerio, here I go
? On my way...?
Tanya's resigned!
Can you believe that?
- She's what?
- Can I have a party? I was a prick.
- Where did you pick up that?
- Did she give any details?
- I want a magic show.
- You were naughty.
- Go on.
- Details?
- Mum!
- Eddie, get off our backs!
We've got this bloomin' wake.
? 'Til we meet once again,
you and I
? Wish me luck
as you wave me goodbye!?
Maybe we should have a wee dance?
The dancers have all gone under the hill,
my dear.
? With a cheer, not a tear
Make it gay...?
Ohhh, go on, then. It'll do you good
to have some other kids around.
- She must have said why.
- I don't know why you're so upset.
It's me who'll cop for the extra work.
Cos I do sod all around here, don't I?
You know, sometimes I wish
we did go bloody bankrupt!
? 'Til we meet once again, you and I
? Wish me luck
as you wave me goodbye!?
Find the Lady. 5 will get you 10,
10 will get you 20. Money in.
Where is it?
No. There she is.
- Not so bad here, is it?
- No.
...And the vicar says,
"Madam, this is a ladies bike.
It doesn't have a crossbar. "
You see...
...she thought she was sitting on
the crossbar all the way from Keighley.
- But it was his stiffy.
- Yep.
- Everyone all right?
- Yeah.
Fucking Christians.
You use two panes of very polished glass
for Pepper's Ghost.
At an angle like that.
Annie lies there... Well, your assistant.
- You've had this.
- What?
- You've already had this week's money.
- I do not believe I have had this week's.
- Don't you?
- No, sunshine, I don't.
- Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.
- Bugger off!
It can just be very small-scale.
It could just be me and you.
- What could?
- My birthday party.
I have been trying to draw you out of
yourself, in case you hadn't twigged.
God, what's the worst that could happen?
Kids eat some cake
and we lift the grim bloody pallor of
mortality for a few glorious moments.
OK, this one.
Got. Got. Need.
- Oi.
- What?
- Have we got PE?
- Of course. Spastic.
Hey.
Shit!
Wow!
- Do it again.
- The light is on!
The light is on!
You've got to flex it
between your knuckles. Don't drop it.
Flex it in your what-nots.
Bleedin' hell.
You've got to practise, you know.
Have you been prac...
Give us your whatsit's doo-dah there.
You're not going to leave, are you?
Why do you write so much on your arms?
Shall we go and get some magical items
for your party?
? Don't jump off the roof, Dad
You'll make a big hole in the yard
? Mother's just planted petunias
? The weeding and seeding was hard
? If you must end it all, Dad
? Why don't you give us a break?
? Take a walk in the park, Dad
? And there you can jump in the lake!?
Oops-a-daisy!
This is where we are, then.
Find some items
to make your party go with a swing.
It's funny.
You spend your life accumulating stuff
and then you can't find anywhere
to put it.
Imagine that.
Imagine all the money I've spent.
All the bloody work I've done.
There.
I had a fine woman, you know.
She was very artistic.
Very gentle.
We were very happy.
- What does this do?
- Tells the time.
- Is it magic?
- No. It's a grandfather clock.
You've got to give them the patter,
otherwise they'll latch on to you.
- What's patter?
- She was very good at that as well.
She helped me write my funny lines.
I met her at Euston Station.
Well, I saw her.
She passed me by.
I went after her.
I had a ten-bob note in my pocket.
You don't see them any more.
They were red.
So I took it out and I said,
"Excuse my intrusion, Miss,
"but I think you might have dropped this. "
And she said,
"Oh, gosh! I did. Thank you. "
Yeah.
So I took her to Lyons Corner House.
We had a long bun, as it were.
And that, as they say, was that.
Oh, God.
I haven't the faintest idea
why they scrapped 'em.
Tanners and florins and shillings.
You don't know what change
you're getting nowadays. And...
And...
Where is this?
Clarence?
- Patter.
- What?!
- Misdirection.
- Clarence, you're...! Clarence!
Sorry, I...
? Don't jump off the roof, Dad
? You'll make a hole in the yard...?
You OK?
When I was a nipper,
I used to...
I remember looking up,
lying on my back,
and looking up at the stars
and thinking
what a great, big university it is.
Universe.
And all them stars, well, you know,
now they're very, very small.
It's all... shut up shop
and the stars, you know,
they don't...
...what-not.
And the whole... bloody thing
has ended up...
...on little...
...me.
You can take it to a garage.
What? Oh!
You see, when you die...
...then you come back to life.
You know, actually,
you're born again.
Then you die again
and, afterwards, you come back to life.
Sounds exhausting.
I want to come back as an animal.
A rabbit or a badger.
Or something.
- I like badgers.
- What's so good about badgers?
I like badgers because they're
bad-tempered and they look good.
And...
you can make sporrans out of badgers.
But if you came back as a person,
you get a chance to put it right again.
Let me tell you a secret.
Being a person is a pain in the arse.
- No, it's not!
- Yes, it is!
- Clarence?
- What?
If you die,
will you come back and see me?
Jesus wept! Chuck that thing away!
Chuck it away!
Chuck my bloody tricks away!
What did you do that for?!
I'm pissing against the wind.
I'm drenching my mackintosh.
You don't come back, son!
Once they've gone, you can't talk to them!
If I could just say to her, "I'm sorry. "
If I could tell her I was bloody sorry,
what a difference that would make.
- She's dead, son! She divorced me.
- Who?
Annie. I wouldn't settle down.
I couldn't keep it in my trousers.
I was a good-looking fella.
Then one day I came back home
and she'd...
Many years later,
I got a letter saying that she'd...
I was too late for her bloody funeral!
I've never even seen her grave!
It's hard...
to get this far and realise
there's absolutely bloody nothing!
- You said you were happy.
- Who's happy?
- We could do another sance.
- Don't be retarded. I made it up.
- What?
- Sod off! I want to be by myself.
- Clear your own stuff up!
- I will!
Badgers are stupid!
- Sorry, love!
- Coo-ee!
- You getting your rabbit in your hat?
- No, I'm shoving it up your bum!
Makes you think, doesn't it?
No.
I wasn't really thinking
about anything very much.
I was thinking about having my dinner.
No, I mean about life being too short.
All that balls.
'What's the matter, Stevie?
'Kath and I used to have
an awful lot of fun.
'It just seems to escape you.
'Oh, Christ, Tanya... '
Don't go to university.
Stay here. We could date.
- What?!
- Do you think I'm attractive?
- Hold your horses! I'm 18.
- It's fantastic.
- What are you? Like 45?
- No, I'm 39!
'Going on bloody geriatric! '
Kidder? I'm thinking
of doing the Card-Finding Duck.
Go away!
- It takes two people.
- Tough titty!
I don't want any bloody magic!
Ranjit, who in the previous book
was called John, has got six marbles.
Zulema, who used to be Samantha,
has got 12.
And Keith, thank goodness,
has got four.
What percentage of the bag
does each one have?
Five minutes.
- I don't want to go!
- Pack it in, the both of you! Manners!
But it's an old folks' homo!
Oh, God, what's that smell?
- Eew! It's wee!
- No wonder he's a complete weirdo.
? Happy birthday to you
? Happy birthday, dear Edward
? Happy birthday to you!?
- Go on, make a wish.
- Quick, before that senile old bat!
"Come on, Eileen")
Did you make that smell?
Carry on! Carry on!
- Let me do it.
- No. I am perfectly capable.
- Him, he's out! He moved!
- I've been moving since 1917!
I can't do anything else.
Get up, you. Reg the Hair.
Get up. Get up!
Oh!
Now move.
Can you do your magic show?
What?
You sure?
Have you got any kids?
'Now then,
ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls,'
please put your hands together
for The Amazing Clarence!
Thank you.
I'm not the sort of magician who drags you
through endless mysteries.
I'm pretty straightforward.
- And I don't do card tricks.
- Awww!
Well, maybe one or two.
Would you take a card for me, please?
Any card, any card.
Thank you. Look at it.
Don't tell me what it is. No, no.
Don't tell me.
Put it back.
I have a friend who will do that for me.
Ronald, the Card-Finding Duck.
He is going to find your card for you.
Oh! Oh!
Quack, quack!
Can I have another brave volunteer,
please?
You? Another volunteer?
Come on, come on. Who? Who?
- You, sir?
- No, no, absolutely not! No, no, no.
- They'd sit knitting and eating frogs.
- Eugh!
And watching people
having their heads cut off.
A carrot!
Unfortunately,
they found that the guillotine
was susceptible
to the power of raspberries.
They found
that if you got enough people...
...to blow raspberries,
the blade would be diverted
from its fatal course.
Which is why I need your help.
OK?
Let's have a dry run.
OK.
I think we're ready.
Blow!
Aiiiee!
Aaaargh!
- I've wrapped it in a bag of peas.
- Thank you.
- No, no, son!
- Let me go!
- Any other medication?
- Yes. I'm on pills for my...
Well, I'll be buggered.
Don't put your finger in it!
One out.
"Pack Up Your Troubles")
Did you have any?
It's gone crusty.
Go on. Why don't you have some, eh?
- Let's get the candle lit.
- I don't want any!
Have some cake.
- What's the matter?
- I live in an old people's home!
So do I! It's not easy for anybody!
This'll be the place you send your elderly
loved ones to have bits chopped off!
- It was an accident!
- He's not your grandad, Eddie!
I wish he was my dad!
Well, he's going senile.
Haven't you noticed?
So you'll just have to settle
for Mr Knobhead here.
- Why did you say that?!
- He'll find out.
Eddie, some people don't die
just like that, you know, not like Lilian.
Some people, they take a bit longer.
They fade.
- I know what senile is!
- There's Daddy and me.
- We are NOT going to fade away.
- Yes, you are! You are!
You shouldn't get so involved.
What about you? Getting involved!
'Oh, Christ, Tanya.
Don't go to university. We could date.
'- Do you think I'm attractive?
- Hold your horses! I'm 18.
'- It's fantastic!
- What are you? 45?
'No, I'm 39!
Going on bloody geriatric!
'- Don't have an affair with me, Stevie.
- I can't support my family.
'I'm a rotten bloody father, a terrible
husband and nobody but you
'has a single bloody second for me.
'You're like a breath of fresh air, Tanya.
'I think I love you.
'I do. '
'Maybe if you paid me
a bit of attention every now and again!
'What's the bloody problem
with getting your head down?
'Can you not see beyond a pair of tits? '
I have never been unfaithful to you.
Not in 15 years!
You just undermine me, Steve.
All the time, you never do anything
other than complain!
'It's exhausting!
'- Why don't you just go?
- Oh, come on!
'I'm sick of it! Go! '
- There.
- Oh...
- You look nice in that tie, Reggie.
- Thank you.
But you never have it quite straight,
do you?
No?
We've got to straighten you out a bit
in general.
Oh, yes. I suppose so, yes.
Come along.
It's half eight, love.
Come on, get up.
I want a talk.
Edward?
Eddie?
On Sunday,
we went to Edward's birthday party.
There was a wizard who cut an old man's
finger off. It were extremely wicked.
An old person and a young person, please.
One eighty.
- That's a lot of ready cash.
- He's my grandad.
- Are you?
- Possibly. There have been many women.
When are we going home, then?
Come on.
I wanna be where my stuff is.
Come 'ere! Oi!
Come 'ere!
That was a cheap bloody trick!
Pull the red thing.
- Too late. We're going.
- Pull the whatchamacallit!
I will if you tell me what it's called.
Well, I know it's red.
What's a divorce like?
- What?
- A divorce.
A bit tricky, I should think.
Come on!
- Is it still there?
- What?
- Is it?
- What's the matter?
Is the...
Is the ground still there?
Look - ground! Sky! Ground!
Ow!
- Oi!
- Concentrate!
Any danger of a cup of tea
and a pork pie?
Did I already ask that?
- Thank you.
- Stay here.
My name...
is Clarence Parkinson.
And England is my nation.
My teacher's name is... Mr Scott.
And Christ is my...
...salvation.
Clarence! Come here!
- That's the same name as my missus.
- I know.
Oh.
No...
Oh... God.
Sod off.
Sod off!
- Sod off...
- Put them down, then. Put them down.
Get it off your... Don't!
Don't. You...
You've spoilt them.
Yeah.
I've spoilt...
all these nice flowers, ain't I?
It's all right.
Know what they're gonna say
on my gravestone?
"Here lies Clarence B Parkinson.
"He was born, he effed it up
"and then he died. "
What's your name?
- Eh?
- Edward.
Edward...
Things aren't exactly
as they ought to be.
Have you any idea what it is?
There's something the matter.
The name on that gravestone
is the same name as my wife.
Leave it.
I'm gonna go call my mum.
Today's the first time we've spent
more than half an hour with each other
without a bloody fogey or shitty arse
or liquidised bloody carrots in the way
for a year. Because our kid's run off
because he hates us so much
because of what we do.
That isn't why. What we do is good.
We didn't go to university, Steve.
You asked me to marry you.
We had a baby.
Do you remember how much...
Do you remember
how hard we tried for him?
Yeah.
That was the journey we decided to make.
And there might be a few less "dates"
and I might end up looking
like my mother, but...
Sorry.
It's not that way, love. Just over here.
- I thought it was outside.
- You come with me. That's it.
You argue with your mates sometimes,
right?
And obviously your mum and me...
sometimes...
I can be a grumpy bum.
It's no fault of yours, love. It's just...
Are you not going to live at home?
I don't know.
Hey, but you must never think, ever,
that you're not absolutely the most
important thing in the world
to your mum and me.
Do you understand?
When's he going to die?
We'll look after him.
Just like we look after everybody.
I'm a little bit bored with you men
and your problems at the moment, Edward.
Sometimes you just have to learn
to let things go.
I know.
Eh?
- There you are. Where have you been?
- Go back to sleep.
- I've been looking for you!
- Oh, God help us.
Another woolly one who can't cope.
Annie...
I'm sorry, pigeon.
That's all I wanted to say.
Just to tell you... that I'm sorry.
I got distracted, love.
If I had my time over again...
If I had it again...
Annie...
I forgive you.
'Marty, I'll be very sad to see you go.
'You've really made a difference
in my life.
'Just knowing I'm going to be around
to see 1985,
'that I'm going to succeed in this
and travel through time!
'It's going to be really hard to wait
30 years to talk to you about this.
'I'm really going to miss you, Marty.
'I'm really gonna miss you. '
Ace one, wasn't it? That one was magic.
- Like the bit with the skateboard?
- I was there, too.
- Oh, no. You sure?
- Yeah. You coming in?
A couple of minutes can't hurt.
- But you did like it, though?
- It was good, Dad!
- Can I have a word?
- Most assuredly.
With him.
'Getting to be spring again.
'It's October.
'The leaves are looking
very nice on the, er...
'... large plants you get in the garden.
'- Trees.
- You're not doing that trick right. '
You've got to give it some patter. Words.
Why don't you...
What do you call a man with a paper bag
on his head? Russell.
Or a licence plate on his head? Reg.
- A man with a car on his head?
- Seatbelt?
Good lad!
- Can I have my fiver now?
- Your what?
- You said you'd give me a fiver.
- What a load of bollocks.
Come in.
- Ready for the off?
- Where to?
Pictures?
Ta-ta for now.
I was wondering whether you wanted
to move back into your old room.
I'm OK where I am.
He was some magician, wasn't he?
Oh, come here.
Oh, yeah? He shoots, he scores!
Come on, then! Pass it!
One out!
Go on, then.
Nice one, old man
Come on!
One out!
Oh, look!
Abracadabra!
Oh...
Where are you going?
Out.
- That's all.
- You never go out.
Well, things are different now,
aren't they?
Why do you have to put make-up on?
Because...
Oh, I don't know.
Makes you feel a bit more human.
You look like a vampire.
Cheers, big ears
You look nice!
Hi.
- Are you ready?
- Yeah.
for being here for our first year,
all of our lovely residents,
all looking so smart,
and for choosing us here at Lark Hall,
and for having a bit of faith in us.
And Merry Christmas!
Merry Christmas!
Merry Christmas.
Cheers.
And a Happy New Year.
When a man grows old
and his balls grow cold,
and the tip of his prick turns blue...
...when it bends in the middle
like a one-stringed fiddle,
he can tell us a tale or two.
What did Father Christmas bring?
I don't believe in him.
I shan't see another Christmas.
Mind you, if I was like her,
I'd shove my head in the gas oven.
Uhhh...
Mummy!
Mum!
What? I'm busy!
Eugh!
Arnold's dead.
Try and be careful!
Can I have my room back
now Arnold's dead?
No. But you can get in this sleeping bag
when he's finished with it.
Can we have a bit of respect, please?
Don't go in that room, Eddie!
'No, you bloody lift him,
you idle monkey! '
- I'm not Daley shitting Thompson!
- All right, Father, keep your hair on!
Set?
'I read it in The Daily Express. '
90% of small businesses go down
the tubes, apparently, in the first year.
I should stop you reading that paper.
Bloke in Scarborough hung himself
in his sporting goods shop.
Yeah, but people don't need
sporting goods.
They're always going to get old,
aren't they?
It's just teething troubles, Steve.
Kiss-kiss.
'Uhhhhh... '
What do you think you're playing at?
I could have killed you!
Oi! Come here!
And on Boxing Day, we went to the top
of Skidby Windmill and I got badge.
No, you got "a" badge.
Edward?
On Christmas Day, Arnold Doughty, 90,
went blue and died.
So far, there has been
no communication from him.
I think I've made a mistake, all right?
- Just give it a day. Please.
- No, I'm fine, thank you.
But we've just moved all that in.
I'm moving it back out again.
All right? It's my things, isn't it?
Who is he?
Some gaga old fart Social Services
have sent. Lost his wife.
Lives in a camper van. Like Popeye.
Clarence! We can get your stuff just how
you like. Take as long as you want.
- That's not a word.
- Yes, it is.
- "Taxi. "
- You're not playing properly.
Remember your first day at school?
It's a bit like that.
- It is a bit like that.
- The first night's the worst.
- Oh!
- I went as mad as her, first few nights.
Be quiet!
Otherwise the war will start again.
A lot of jabbering simpletons
rushing about, wetting themselves.
People you don't know
telling you what to do.
- I'm off.
- Hey!
Just give it a go.
This is temporary.
This is only temporary.
OK.
Why doesn't she let him go
if he wants to go?
She should do.
Then I can move back into my old room.
You can move back if you can pay us
50 quid a week.
'Tonight, haunted houses, ghost-hunting
'and the search for life after death.
'The most famous ghost-hunters
and their most famous cases... '
Lilian!
- Your daughter is on the phone.
- Mavis? Really?
Mavis, oh!
'Did a ghost leave these chilling
messages asking for prayers... '
'What do you think of their chances?
Who's going to win?
'I wouldn't like to predict that, Phil. '
What do you want ringing wastefully from
Canada? A stamp costs hardly nothing!
Mum! I want to watch "Arthur C Clarke"!
Mum!
What do you want doing with those?
Clarence wants to watch
"One Man And His Dog". He's paying.
- You're a naughty girl.
- It's about ghosts!
We're all naughty girls.
Oh, ball-bearings!
Wouldn't mind being alone with that one
in a long, dark railway tunnel.
- Can I get my wages, Kath?
- Sorry, yeah.
It's very important.
It's about recording ghosts!
He's saying what he does
when he wants to hunt them.
Steve, come here!
You want to say, "Would you mind
coming here if you're not too busy?"
That's what I said.
Watch the TV upstairs.
- You ordered me to come in there.
- The TV upstairs is haunted!
Why don't you do it then?
Please, darling!
Because I came in there last time,
dearest.
- You didn't come over here last time.
- I did.
Why don't you listen?
Sorry, love.
Will you sort out the TV for him?
Ena, you've pinched
the knives and forks again!
Yes, sir.
Arnold's ghost must have got into it
when he died.
Arnold's ghost has better things to do
than hanging around in a telly.
There, ghosts! Are you happy?
'Thermometers to detect
sudden fluctuations in temperature.
'And strange as it might seem,
'one might consider bringing
a dog or a cat
'as animals seem to react
to supernatural activity.
'Animals also provide
much-needed company. '
'Price's methods were thorough
and no nonsense.
'Like many scientists of his generation,
he believed it was a matter of time... '
What do you think happens
when you die, Dad?
Can't imagine it's all that different.
'A dog or cat allowed to roam freely.
'But most of all, it's imperative that the
entire building be cleared of inhabitants
'to allow the ghost-hunter to work
'in controlled conditions
without interruptions. '
Bastards.
Hello, pigeon.
Are you a magician?
No.
I'm a retired flasher.
This used to be my room until Arnold came.
Who's he when he's at home?
He's not anybody now. He's dead.
He died in that bed.
If you see anything supernatural,
do you think you can inform me?
Do you think you can bugger off?
Quack-quack!
Ah, ah!
Wuh... Wuh-wuh-wuh...
- What?
- One out!
Give me my ball back!
Wuh-wuh-wuh...
Come here!
Come here while I kick you!
You think they sent me here to be abused?
Get stuffed!
This is my house!
Big hand's at six,
little hand's at eight, Eddie!
Get out! Clear off!
Come here, you lot!
Come here, come on!
Never mind making a bid for freedom!
'It's all clear. False alarm. '
They are real people, not toys! They were
little boys and girls as well once!
I don't want to live here! I want things
to be like they were. I want my room back!
Mark my words! By the time he's 13, he'll
be sniffing glue out of a plastic bag!
Thanks, Lilian.
What did you want to say, Edward?
What do you want to say?
Oh, where are you off to with a grump on?
Go on, get yourself off to school.
Tell Mr Kelly
you had to go to the dentist.
Idiots!
Cow!
Wankerer!
Mummy!
Dad!
Easy way out. Coward's way out.
Just, you know, a cry for help.
That's all. Classic.
- A what?
- Never mind, big ears.
Don't say, "That's all," Steve. How
could we let him get to that? Poor fella.
We're going to have
to cheer this place up a bit.
I'm very sorry for smacking you.
Are you all right?
Come here.
You're very fortunate, you know.
I never met my grandparents.
And my mummy and daddy -
too far away for us to see them much.
You've got all these old people around
with all these amazing stories.
It's a privilege.
At least I think it is.
Do you...?
Don't be scared of death, love.
It's all right to be sad.
There's no point being scared.
I'm not scared.
I just want to know what happens.
- Nurse!
- I thought you might want your stuff.
Draw that curtain round.
And give me my left shoe.
- Did you want one?
- No...
Ta.
Sorry for setting the fire bell off.
Sorry I put a lot of talcum
on your floor and that.
Sorry for not saying sorry
when you ran me over.
And that time I chucked dirt on your head.
That's an awful lot of things
to be sorry for at such a young age.
Sorry.
Are you a magician?
- I gave it up.
- Why don't you start again?
Do me a favour.
When you...
Did...
Did you see any kind
of bright white light?
Or a tunnel with Jesus at the end?
As a matter of fact, I did.
This cross-eyed little herbert turned up
and yanked me back out.
That's what
you should be saying sorry for.
? That certain night
? The night we met
? There was magic abroad
? In the air
? There were angels dining at the Ritz
? And a nightingale sang
in Berkeley Square...?
Can someone inform me
what the hell you think you're playing at?
I'm stuck up here on my own
with nothing to keep my trousers up with!
Welcome home.
You know, if I want to top myself...
...I can jump out the window!
'There must be some way we can... '
'- They say love will find a way. Always.
- I don't deserve love from you.
'What I deserve is these crippled legs.
And reflect on what I've done... '
Forget it.
How much did that cost?
You can't put a price on looking good,
chucklebum.
How much is looking stupid?
Nice 'do, Stevie.
You want to watch where you're going.
Is this your grand passion?
Yeah. But I'm not supposed to.
They're all pictures of ghosts.
When they took that,
there was no one there.
Apart from that bloke.
- Please, please!
- What?
- What's his problem?
- Who?
Flash Gordon.
He was in a war.
What about the others?
Lilian's miserable. She trumps a lot.
Reg gets drunk.
Elsie was a dancing teacher,
but now has a plastic leg.
Prudence tears up toilet paper.
Ena thinks she's still the King's
housemaid and can't stop stealing stuff.
Clive's had a stroke,
so all he can say is, "One out. "
"Rage...
"Rage against the dying of the light. "
? The wheels on the bus go
round and round
? Round and round, round and round
? The wheels on the bus go
round and round
? All day long...?
They do go round and round,
don't they? Sometimes.
? The dogs on the bus go
woof, woof, woof
? Woof, woof, woof
Woof, woof, woof
? The dogs on the bus go
woof, woof, woof...?
Jesus Christ Almighty!
? All day long
All day long
? The babies on the bus go waa-waa-waa
? Waa-waa-waa
Waa-waa-waa...?
I can't put the two things together.
Lived on my own.
Well, myself and the missus.
You live on your own all your life,
then they think it's a great idea
to shove you together
with a load of strangers.
And what do the mummies on the bus say?
Anyone?
"Screw this," if they've got any sense.
- Everybody all right?
- Yes, thank you.
Nice to see you, Clarence.
? The mummies on the bus say
hush-hush-hush, hush-hush-hush...?
Oh, God.
I know something that would cheer you up.
You've got to be bleeding kidding!
Have one of your beers.
I want to show you something.
- Are you interested in ghosts?
- No, not in the slightest.
- I am.
- So I gathered.
I'm trying to catch them on tape.
Where are you going?
There's nothing in it. It's all bollocks.
- No, it's not.
- It is.
"Samuel Peet - not dead, only sleeping. "
He's gonna be pissed off
when he wakes up.
This is going to bring my piles down.
I need a coin.
Now you have to dance around it
a hundred times.
Their hand comes out
and you can ask it questions. Come on.
One.
Two.
98...
- What's happening?
- Nothing much.
99...
'There's lots of different ways to
contact them. Sances and Ouija boards. '
You can stand in front of a mirror
and say someone's name again
and again and again, then they'll appear.
- Does this apply to anyone?
- No, you have to be dead.
Is that your wife?
She looks like Dame Edna.
Shut up.
'Now it's good night from me.
'And it's good night from him.
Good night. '
Good... night!
Good night, sweet ladies.
Thanks for the mystery tour.
I'm not that bothered in the future.
My name's Edward.
Mine's Clarence.
? Simply because you're near me
? Honey, but when you're near me
? I'm in the mood for love
? Heaven is in your eyes
? Bright as the stars we're under
? Oh, is it any wonder
? I'm in the mood for love?
? Why stop to think of whether
? This little dream might fade?
? We've put our hearts together
? Now we are one
? I'm not afraid
? If there's a cloud above
? If it should rain, we'll let it
But for...?
Annie...
Annie...
Annie?
Annie...
Annie!
Annie...
Annie...
Annie?
Annie...
- Right, I'm knocking off.
- That's a good idea.
I'm off down The Ship.
- Do you mind if I get changed in here?
- In...?
Did you see "Top of the Pops" last night?
No, I don't watch it.
Who was on?
- No, I... I don't watch it neither.
- No.
Are you still with Mike or...?
No, I packed him in.
- We're both going away soon, so...
- University?
- That's it.
- I wish I'd gone sometimes.
I failed my Geography "A" level. There was
another question on the back of the page.
I finished half an hour before everybody
else. I'm thinking, "They're bloody slow!"
Do you want a lift?
Yeah, if you like.
Great. I'll just get me jacket on.
You smell like a tart's window box,
Steve! What have you got on?
Just something I were bought
for Christmas, you know.
'Uhhhh... '
This is what I've got to look forward to,
is it?
Can't you find something more
constructive to do? Learn a skill?
I only want to know what happens.
What happens is... is you think
the last thought you're ever gonna think
and then whatever it was
that used to be you... just goes.
Christ, it'd be lovely!
I've got lots of things I'd like to say.
But the curtain's come down,
unfortunately.
That's horrible!
It can't just be black! Don't take
the piss! It can't just be black!
Are you waiting for someone?
Yes, a little lad.
Your grandson, is he?
No.
Just a little lad.
Gaylord!
You don't have to come and get me.
Don't you want a game?
Nice weather for one.
I don't like football.
I was wondering if you might
accompany me on an expedition?
'Two fat ladies, 88.'
The bulb's broken.
Doesn't matter. The darker, the better.
Now, for those of you...
...who have never before sat at a sance,
there is absolutely nothing
to be fearful of.
Ghosts are very friendly sorts.
They like a nice little chinwag.
But they're very scared of loud noises
and sudden movements
which is the reason
why they're very rarely to be sighted
in discos and wrestling matches,
for example.
You shouldn't joke.
It'll make 'em vengeful.
Spirits, please accept
my mortal apologies.
Now, who are we hoping
to contact tonight?
- Anyone.
- OK, we'll try for anyone.
Is there anybody there?
Is someone in here?
- Who is it?
- Arnold?
Someone else?
Who?
It's "yes or no" questions only, I think.
Is there life after death?
- What's it like?
- Is it nice?
Are there any ghosts in this house?
Oh!
Are there any nice ghosts in this house
that don't want to scare anyone
or cause any bother or nothing?
Yeah.
? Happy birthday to you
? Happy birthday, dear Edward
? Happy birthday to you!?
- Eddie, good morning!
- Good morning.
- Do you like it?
- Yeah.
Thanks.
I'm going to have a shave.
Can I have a kiss, please...?
Thank you.
It's a special and glorious day today.
- Yeah.
- Canada is a country.
And my big God-bothering girl Mavis
is coming from there to see me today!
With her husband
who's got a plate in his head.
Of course, she's not a girl now,
little man. She's 66 years old.
I'm 11!
Well, she's six times better than you are,
isn't she?
Steve!
- What?
- Come here!
Oh, fantastic
Someone answer the door!
Who do you think you are?
Lord and Lady Aggleshite?
Tradesman's entrance!
Well, shake a leg!
- Oh!
- Got her.
- Mum!
- Happy birthday, mate.
- Back to your room! Quick sharp!
- Is she dead?
No, she's fine, she's fine.
What's all the fuss about?
She's had it. She's only just died!
Now stop that. Stop what you're doing!
She's just in her room with her things.
It's hard to know what to say.
Eddie, I'm worried
this is how the Yorkshire Ripper started.
He won't end up
like the Yorkshire Ripper!
Why are you so bloody morbid?
- Cos I live here!
- We are doing our best!
We used to go away for the day
on my birthday.
It doesn't entitle you
to do what you like!
Oh!
I heard Lilian's ghost.
It went "uuuuhhhh".
And I was too thick to turn the tape on.
That's the sound of the air passing over
the vocal cords as it comes out the lungs.
No, it's not.
Can we do another sance?
The proper reaction is to mourn
and celebrate their achievements
as human beings, then try to move on,
not stick a microphone up their nose!
I used to have a room
with Paddington Bear wallpaper.
Yeah, well, I used to have
a beautiful wife and all my own teeth.
Your life changes, buster.
And not always for the better.
You accumulate regrets
and they stick to you like old bruises.
Sorry.
Many happy returns of the day.
I'll teach you a few tricks.
I'll do you a magic show.
And you can rub out all of today.
And you can ask your pals.
I don't want a party.
Join hands and make contact
with the living, son!
You've got to keep it hidden, see?
Keep it in the knuckles. Go on.
You're lucky. You're still flexible.
Go on.
Now make it disappear.
Go on!
Pick it up.
Start again.
It doesn't start until September, does it?
Tanya!
God Almighty! Poor bunch of pricks!
Go on, ask him.
Ask him about your party.
Good afternoon, Bob.
I don't understand.
It doesn't take five months to pack!
Tragic, isn't it?
What were her achievements, then?
What was she like?
She was a manipulative,
passive aggressive...
...unkind old asshole.
? Wish me luck
as you wave me goodbye
? Cheerio, here I go
? On my way...?
Tanya's resigned!
Can you believe that?
- She's what?
- Can I have a party? I was a prick.
- Where did you pick up that?
- Did she give any details?
- I want a magic show.
- You were naughty.
- Go on.
- Details?
- Mum!
- Eddie, get off our backs!
We've got this bloomin' wake.
? 'Til we meet once again,
you and I
? Wish me luck
as you wave me goodbye!?
Maybe we should have a wee dance?
The dancers have all gone under the hill,
my dear.
? With a cheer, not a tear
Make it gay...?
Ohhh, go on, then. It'll do you good
to have some other kids around.
- She must have said why.
- I don't know why you're so upset.
It's me who'll cop for the extra work.
Cos I do sod all around here, don't I?
You know, sometimes I wish
we did go bloody bankrupt!
? 'Til we meet once again, you and I
? Wish me luck
as you wave me goodbye!?
Find the Lady. 5 will get you 10,
10 will get you 20. Money in.
Where is it?
No. There she is.
- Not so bad here, is it?
- No.
...And the vicar says,
"Madam, this is a ladies bike.
It doesn't have a crossbar. "
You see...
...she thought she was sitting on
the crossbar all the way from Keighley.
- But it was his stiffy.
- Yep.
- Everyone all right?
- Yeah.
Fucking Christians.
You use two panes of very polished glass
for Pepper's Ghost.
At an angle like that.
Annie lies there... Well, your assistant.
- You've had this.
- What?
- You've already had this week's money.
- I do not believe I have had this week's.
- Don't you?
- No, sunshine, I don't.
- Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.
- Bugger off!
It can just be very small-scale.
It could just be me and you.
- What could?
- My birthday party.
I have been trying to draw you out of
yourself, in case you hadn't twigged.
God, what's the worst that could happen?
Kids eat some cake
and we lift the grim bloody pallor of
mortality for a few glorious moments.
OK, this one.
Got. Got. Need.
- Oi.
- What?
- Have we got PE?
- Of course. Spastic.
Hey.
Shit!
Wow!
- Do it again.
- The light is on!
The light is on!
You've got to flex it
between your knuckles. Don't drop it.
Flex it in your what-nots.
Bleedin' hell.
You've got to practise, you know.
Have you been prac...
Give us your whatsit's doo-dah there.
You're not going to leave, are you?
Why do you write so much on your arms?
Shall we go and get some magical items
for your party?
? Don't jump off the roof, Dad
You'll make a big hole in the yard
? Mother's just planted petunias
? The weeding and seeding was hard
? If you must end it all, Dad
? Why don't you give us a break?
? Take a walk in the park, Dad
? And there you can jump in the lake!?
Oops-a-daisy!
This is where we are, then.
Find some items
to make your party go with a swing.
It's funny.
You spend your life accumulating stuff
and then you can't find anywhere
to put it.
Imagine that.
Imagine all the money I've spent.
All the bloody work I've done.
There.
I had a fine woman, you know.
She was very artistic.
Very gentle.
We were very happy.
- What does this do?
- Tells the time.
- Is it magic?
- No. It's a grandfather clock.
You've got to give them the patter,
otherwise they'll latch on to you.
- What's patter?
- She was very good at that as well.
She helped me write my funny lines.
I met her at Euston Station.
Well, I saw her.
She passed me by.
I went after her.
I had a ten-bob note in my pocket.
You don't see them any more.
They were red.
So I took it out and I said,
"Excuse my intrusion, Miss,
"but I think you might have dropped this. "
And she said,
"Oh, gosh! I did. Thank you. "
Yeah.
So I took her to Lyons Corner House.
We had a long bun, as it were.
And that, as they say, was that.
Oh, God.
I haven't the faintest idea
why they scrapped 'em.
Tanners and florins and shillings.
You don't know what change
you're getting nowadays. And...
And...
Where is this?
Clarence?
- Patter.
- What?!
- Misdirection.
- Clarence, you're...! Clarence!
Sorry, I...
? Don't jump off the roof, Dad
? You'll make a hole in the yard...?
You OK?
When I was a nipper,
I used to...
I remember looking up,
lying on my back,
and looking up at the stars
and thinking
what a great, big university it is.
Universe.
And all them stars, well, you know,
now they're very, very small.
It's all... shut up shop
and the stars, you know,
they don't...
...what-not.
And the whole... bloody thing
has ended up...
...on little...
...me.
You can take it to a garage.
What? Oh!
You see, when you die...
...then you come back to life.
You know, actually,
you're born again.
Then you die again
and, afterwards, you come back to life.
Sounds exhausting.
I want to come back as an animal.
A rabbit or a badger.
Or something.
- I like badgers.
- What's so good about badgers?
I like badgers because they're
bad-tempered and they look good.
And...
you can make sporrans out of badgers.
But if you came back as a person,
you get a chance to put it right again.
Let me tell you a secret.
Being a person is a pain in the arse.
- No, it's not!
- Yes, it is!
- Clarence?
- What?
If you die,
will you come back and see me?
Jesus wept! Chuck that thing away!
Chuck it away!
Chuck my bloody tricks away!
What did you do that for?!
I'm pissing against the wind.
I'm drenching my mackintosh.
You don't come back, son!
Once they've gone, you can't talk to them!
If I could just say to her, "I'm sorry. "
If I could tell her I was bloody sorry,
what a difference that would make.
- She's dead, son! She divorced me.
- Who?
Annie. I wouldn't settle down.
I couldn't keep it in my trousers.
I was a good-looking fella.
Then one day I came back home
and she'd...
Many years later,
I got a letter saying that she'd...
I was too late for her bloody funeral!
I've never even seen her grave!
It's hard...
to get this far and realise
there's absolutely bloody nothing!
- You said you were happy.
- Who's happy?
- We could do another sance.
- Don't be retarded. I made it up.
- What?
- Sod off! I want to be by myself.
- Clear your own stuff up!
- I will!
Badgers are stupid!
- Sorry, love!
- Coo-ee!
- You getting your rabbit in your hat?
- No, I'm shoving it up your bum!
Makes you think, doesn't it?
No.
I wasn't really thinking
about anything very much.
I was thinking about having my dinner.
No, I mean about life being too short.
All that balls.
'What's the matter, Stevie?
'Kath and I used to have
an awful lot of fun.
'It just seems to escape you.
'Oh, Christ, Tanya... '
Don't go to university.
Stay here. We could date.
- What?!
- Do you think I'm attractive?
- Hold your horses! I'm 18.
- It's fantastic.
- What are you? Like 45?
- No, I'm 39!
'Going on bloody geriatric! '
Kidder? I'm thinking
of doing the Card-Finding Duck.
Go away!
- It takes two people.
- Tough titty!
I don't want any bloody magic!
Ranjit, who in the previous book
was called John, has got six marbles.
Zulema, who used to be Samantha,
has got 12.
And Keith, thank goodness,
has got four.
What percentage of the bag
does each one have?
Five minutes.
- I don't want to go!
- Pack it in, the both of you! Manners!
But it's an old folks' homo!
Oh, God, what's that smell?
- Eew! It's wee!
- No wonder he's a complete weirdo.
? Happy birthday to you
? Happy birthday, dear Edward
? Happy birthday to you!?
- Go on, make a wish.
- Quick, before that senile old bat!
"Come on, Eileen")
Did you make that smell?
Carry on! Carry on!
- Let me do it.
- No. I am perfectly capable.
- Him, he's out! He moved!
- I've been moving since 1917!
I can't do anything else.
Get up, you. Reg the Hair.
Get up. Get up!
Oh!
Now move.
Can you do your magic show?
What?
You sure?
Have you got any kids?
'Now then,
ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls,'
please put your hands together
for The Amazing Clarence!
Thank you.
I'm not the sort of magician who drags you
through endless mysteries.
I'm pretty straightforward.
- And I don't do card tricks.
- Awww!
Well, maybe one or two.
Would you take a card for me, please?
Any card, any card.
Thank you. Look at it.
Don't tell me what it is. No, no.
Don't tell me.
Put it back.
I have a friend who will do that for me.
Ronald, the Card-Finding Duck.
He is going to find your card for you.
Oh! Oh!
Quack, quack!
Can I have another brave volunteer,
please?
You? Another volunteer?
Come on, come on. Who? Who?
- You, sir?
- No, no, absolutely not! No, no, no.
- They'd sit knitting and eating frogs.
- Eugh!
And watching people
having their heads cut off.
A carrot!
Unfortunately,
they found that the guillotine
was susceptible
to the power of raspberries.
They found
that if you got enough people...
...to blow raspberries,
the blade would be diverted
from its fatal course.
Which is why I need your help.
OK?
Let's have a dry run.
OK.
I think we're ready.
Blow!
Aiiiee!
Aaaargh!
- I've wrapped it in a bag of peas.
- Thank you.
- No, no, son!
- Let me go!
- Any other medication?
- Yes. I'm on pills for my...
Well, I'll be buggered.
Don't put your finger in it!
One out.
"Pack Up Your Troubles")
Did you have any?
It's gone crusty.
Go on. Why don't you have some, eh?
- Let's get the candle lit.
- I don't want any!
Have some cake.
- What's the matter?
- I live in an old people's home!
So do I! It's not easy for anybody!
This'll be the place you send your elderly
loved ones to have bits chopped off!
- It was an accident!
- He's not your grandad, Eddie!
I wish he was my dad!
Well, he's going senile.
Haven't you noticed?
So you'll just have to settle
for Mr Knobhead here.
- Why did you say that?!
- He'll find out.
Eddie, some people don't die
just like that, you know, not like Lilian.
Some people, they take a bit longer.
They fade.
- I know what senile is!
- There's Daddy and me.
- We are NOT going to fade away.
- Yes, you are! You are!
You shouldn't get so involved.
What about you? Getting involved!
'Oh, Christ, Tanya.
Don't go to university. We could date.
'- Do you think I'm attractive?
- Hold your horses! I'm 18.
'- It's fantastic!
- What are you? 45?
'No, I'm 39!
Going on bloody geriatric!
'- Don't have an affair with me, Stevie.
- I can't support my family.
'I'm a rotten bloody father, a terrible
husband and nobody but you
'has a single bloody second for me.
'You're like a breath of fresh air, Tanya.
'I think I love you.
'I do. '
'Maybe if you paid me
a bit of attention every now and again!
'What's the bloody problem
with getting your head down?
'Can you not see beyond a pair of tits? '
I have never been unfaithful to you.
Not in 15 years!
You just undermine me, Steve.
All the time, you never do anything
other than complain!
'It's exhausting!
'- Why don't you just go?
- Oh, come on!
'I'm sick of it! Go! '
- There.
- Oh...
- You look nice in that tie, Reggie.
- Thank you.
But you never have it quite straight,
do you?
No?
We've got to straighten you out a bit
in general.
Oh, yes. I suppose so, yes.
Come along.
It's half eight, love.
Come on, get up.
I want a talk.
Edward?
Eddie?
On Sunday,
we went to Edward's birthday party.
There was a wizard who cut an old man's
finger off. It were extremely wicked.
An old person and a young person, please.
One eighty.
- That's a lot of ready cash.
- He's my grandad.
- Are you?
- Possibly. There have been many women.
When are we going home, then?
Come on.
I wanna be where my stuff is.
Come 'ere! Oi!
Come 'ere!
That was a cheap bloody trick!
Pull the red thing.
- Too late. We're going.
- Pull the whatchamacallit!
I will if you tell me what it's called.
Well, I know it's red.
What's a divorce like?
- What?
- A divorce.
A bit tricky, I should think.
Come on!
- Is it still there?
- What?
- Is it?
- What's the matter?
Is the...
Is the ground still there?
Look - ground! Sky! Ground!
Ow!
- Oi!
- Concentrate!
Any danger of a cup of tea
and a pork pie?
Did I already ask that?
- Thank you.
- Stay here.
My name...
is Clarence Parkinson.
And England is my nation.
My teacher's name is... Mr Scott.
And Christ is my...
...salvation.
Clarence! Come here!
- That's the same name as my missus.
- I know.
Oh.
No...
Oh... God.
Sod off.
Sod off!
- Sod off...
- Put them down, then. Put them down.
Get it off your... Don't!
Don't. You...
You've spoilt them.
Yeah.
I've spoilt...
all these nice flowers, ain't I?
It's all right.
Know what they're gonna say
on my gravestone?
"Here lies Clarence B Parkinson.
"He was born, he effed it up
"and then he died. "
What's your name?
- Eh?
- Edward.
Edward...
Things aren't exactly
as they ought to be.
Have you any idea what it is?
There's something the matter.
The name on that gravestone
is the same name as my wife.
Leave it.
I'm gonna go call my mum.
Today's the first time we've spent
more than half an hour with each other
without a bloody fogey or shitty arse
or liquidised bloody carrots in the way
for a year. Because our kid's run off
because he hates us so much
because of what we do.
That isn't why. What we do is good.
We didn't go to university, Steve.
You asked me to marry you.
We had a baby.
Do you remember how much...
Do you remember
how hard we tried for him?
Yeah.
That was the journey we decided to make.
And there might be a few less "dates"
and I might end up looking
like my mother, but...
Sorry.
It's not that way, love. Just over here.
- I thought it was outside.
- You come with me. That's it.
You argue with your mates sometimes,
right?
And obviously your mum and me...
sometimes...
I can be a grumpy bum.
It's no fault of yours, love. It's just...
Are you not going to live at home?
I don't know.
Hey, but you must never think, ever,
that you're not absolutely the most
important thing in the world
to your mum and me.
Do you understand?
When's he going to die?
We'll look after him.
Just like we look after everybody.
I'm a little bit bored with you men
and your problems at the moment, Edward.
Sometimes you just have to learn
to let things go.
I know.
Eh?
- There you are. Where have you been?
- Go back to sleep.
- I've been looking for you!
- Oh, God help us.
Another woolly one who can't cope.
Annie...
I'm sorry, pigeon.
That's all I wanted to say.
Just to tell you... that I'm sorry.
I got distracted, love.
If I had my time over again...
If I had it again...
Annie...
I forgive you.
'Marty, I'll be very sad to see you go.
'You've really made a difference
in my life.
'Just knowing I'm going to be around
to see 1985,
'that I'm going to succeed in this
and travel through time!
'It's going to be really hard to wait
30 years to talk to you about this.
'I'm really going to miss you, Marty.
'I'm really gonna miss you. '
Ace one, wasn't it? That one was magic.
- Like the bit with the skateboard?
- I was there, too.
- Oh, no. You sure?
- Yeah. You coming in?
A couple of minutes can't hurt.
- But you did like it, though?
- It was good, Dad!
- Can I have a word?
- Most assuredly.
With him.
'Getting to be spring again.
'It's October.
'The leaves are looking
very nice on the, er...
'... large plants you get in the garden.
'- Trees.
- You're not doing that trick right. '
You've got to give it some patter. Words.
Why don't you...
What do you call a man with a paper bag
on his head? Russell.
Or a licence plate on his head? Reg.
- A man with a car on his head?
- Seatbelt?
Good lad!
- Can I have my fiver now?
- Your what?
- You said you'd give me a fiver.
- What a load of bollocks.
Come in.
- Ready for the off?
- Where to?
Pictures?
Ta-ta for now.
I was wondering whether you wanted
to move back into your old room.
I'm OK where I am.
He was some magician, wasn't he?
Oh, come here.
Oh, yeah? He shoots, he scores!
Come on, then! Pass it!
One out!
Go on, then.
Nice one, old man
Come on!
One out!
Oh, look!
Abracadabra!
Oh...
Where are you going?
Out.
- That's all.
- You never go out.
Well, things are different now,
aren't they?
Why do you have to put make-up on?
Because...
Oh, I don't know.
Makes you feel a bit more human.
You look like a vampire.
Cheers, big ears
You look nice!
Hi.
- Are you ready?
- Yeah.