Kelly and Cal (2014) Movie Script
Come in.
- Hi, Mama.
How you doing?
Hanging in there?
Yeah.
Okay, go ahead and lay back.
And scoot down.
All right, let's see
how we're healing up.
Where's the little one?
Home with Daddy?
Yes.
Enjoying motherhood so far?
Yes.
- Any bleeding, hemorrhoids,
or itching?
Um, no.
- Good.
Good.
Well, incision's
healing up great.
Everything looks dandy
down there.
All clear for whoopee,
not that most women
are raring to go at six weeks.
Uh, birth control?
- Somehow I don't think we'll be
needing that right away.
- Yeah,
I've heard that one before.
Just had one in here
with a 2-month-old
and pregnant again.
Sound like your idea
of a good time?
So, you know, have fun,
but play it safe.
Any other questions?
Um...
Okay, good to see you.
Bye, now.
- I don't... I don't know why
he's fussing.
You want me to change him?
I already did that.
I don't know
what his problem is.
- Here.
Bring him to me.
I'll take him.
Come here.
Hey, there, buddy.
- I got my six-week checkup
today.
- Yeah, that's right.
How'd that go?
Good.
The doctor said we could
get back to business,
if you know what I mean.
Really?
You up for that?
I am if you are.
Well, you know, I just figure
you're so tired with the baby
and everything.
Josh, we haven't had sex
in six months.
- Right, right.
No need to rush.
Hey, what are you...
Do I disgust you?
What?
No, of course not.
- Is it because
I have stretch marks now?
Am I just gross to you?
- You are perfect
exactly the way you are.
Okay?
I'm serious.
- Then why don't you stop
jerking off
and fuck your wife?
God.
Oh, for Christ sake.
Oh, you're so sexy.
Oh, God.
Oh.
Honey!
Honey!
Fuck!
Oh!
What time are you gonna be
home tonight?
Uh, it's hard to say.
They are really killing us
this week.
But, um, I'll do my best.
Bye.
Fuck.
- You supposed to be smoking,
Mommy?
None of your fucking business.
- Do you mind if I have one?
One of your...
Thank you.
Do you have a light?
- What, do you want me
to light it for you?
Would you mind?
Thank you.
I'm Cal, by the way.
I'm Kelly.
Nice to meet you.
Your kid is crying, Kelly.
I know.
The whole fucking neighborhood
can hear him cry.
- So you just gonna let him
cry it out?
Cry it out?
It's called Ferberizing...
when they cry and...
- Right, right, I think I heard
of Ferberizing.
I'm sure you have.
No, I'm not kidding.
Okay.
Cool smoke rings.
You have great tits.
Excuse me?
- Little Junior in there
should be more grateful.
- I don't know who you are,
but you should not...
Whoa, whoa, whoa, relax.
I was just trying to give you
a compliment, like, uh...
Get away from my house.
- Well,
draw the freakin' curtains
if you don't want
the whole neighborhood
to watch you breastfeed.
- If you don't leave,
I will call the cops.
Okay, okay, okay.
Okay.
Ciao, mamacita.
Oh, fuck.
- That's some opening line,
you know?
"Nice tits. "
I feel like such an asshole.
- Why?
Kid's a Peeping Tom.
- I know, but he's kind of
the first real person I've met
since we've moved here.
- Oh, so he gets a free pass
because he's in a wheelchair?
- No, I just shouldn't have
snapped at him.
He's a perv.
- Well, at least
someone's looking.
I'm looking.
It's just hard
to think of your boobs like that
when they're Jackson's
food supply right now.
- Wow, since you put it
like that...
Know what you should do?
Take the baby on a stroll.
Explore the neighborhood
a little bit.
You know, a little exercise.
Get the endorphins going.
- Sure, I'm exhausted,
I can barely get dressed,
but a nice brisk walk
in the neighborhood,
that might do the trick.
You never know.
It'll get better.
Mm, so they say.
Shh.
Okay.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey!
Wait.
I am nowhere near your house.
Oh, wait.
Wait.
I wanted to apologize
for yelling at you before.
Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.
I didn't realize that, um...
Oh, right, the chair.
Because Tourette's is a common
side effect of spinal injuries.
Okay.
- No, I've just been feeling
really exhausted
and out of sorts, you know,
since the...
- You got your baby to sleep.
Congratulations.
Yeah, I did.
Apparently, he really likes
going on walks.
Me too.
You know, that's a joke
about the walking.
You can laugh.
Right.
Okay.
- Okay.
This is my stop.
Wow.
You live here?
Nice house.
- I accept your apology,
and in return, I apologize
if I admired your breasts
inappropriately.
Oh, hey.
Hey.
Mom wanted to drop by
for dinner tonight.
Okay with you?
Oh, y-sure.
This was so good.
- He's so beautiful.
- Sweet.
He is the sweetest one ever.
And you look so beautiful,
Julie.
He looks just like you, Kelly.
Ooh, that is plenty.
This was so great.
Thanks again for cooking, Mom.
- It was really good.
- Thank you.
It was my pleasure, as always.
Mmm, mmm, mmm.
It's okay.
- Anybody want anything
from the kitchen?
How was your day, Mommy?
Huh?
I'm sorry.
What?
You must be exhausted.
I was just wondering
how your day was.
Okay.
Good.
I met a neighbor.
I...
- That's great.
- All right.
- Who'd you meet?
- You did? Great.
That's wonderful.
Remember our old neighbor
Charlie?
- You know, he's back
with his wife now.
- The old wife?
- Mary Ellen.
- Oh, guys, don't forget
I'm taking Jackson
to my walking group on Thursday.
- Yeah, but I don't know.
Maybe it is.
Maybe it has to do with...
Hi.
Are you guys an organized
mommies group or...
- This is the Glendora Park
mothers group.
Cool.
Well, I just moved here
a few months ago,
right before he was born,
so I haven't gotten out yet.
- You should check us out
online.
Oh.
Okay.
Yeah, there's an application
and, uh, a membership fee
for snacks and activities.
Sure, that makes sense.
- But everyone's welcome
to join.
See you soon.
You bet.
Hey.
Hey.
You can ignore that.
Come in.
Is he sleeping?
Yeah.
Finally.
Where did you get
all these signs?
Oh, it was a stupid game
me and my girlfriend, Bailey,
used to play.
Ex-girlfriend.
Nice place.
- Thank you.
Welcome to the clubhouse.
Let me get you a beer.
Uh, no, I'm nursing.
- Well, you know, some cultures
prescribe a daily beer
for nursing mothers...
uh, Guinness especially.
I think I have one back here.
I love Guinness.
But I'm not... no.
I'm... thank you.
Um...
so you live out here?
Yes, I do.
My parents didn't want
to remodel.
It fucks up resale value.
Wow.
Are they gonna invest
in a decent ramp anytime soon?
What's wrong with my ramp?
Wobbles.
- Well, I like to live
dangerously.
Besides, what's the worst
that could happen, really?
So...
my mom is suddenly this
huge crusader for the disabled.
She's all over the high school
to upgrade access to the stadium
for graduation,
which I have no plans
on attending.
But why should that stop her?
I mean, there's, like,
genocide in Darfur
and human trafficking
all throughout Eastern Europe,
but her son needs
a new fucking ramp.
Yeah, whatever.
She was probably secretly
pleased when it happened.
It gave her something to do.
Fucking clip my wings
just a little bit.
My father, on the other hand,
completely convinced
that I'm not gonna be
in this chair long enough
to warrant getting a new ramp.
He's all bedazzled by these
new advances
in stem cell research,
you know...
theoretical advances, mind you.
"You'll be vertical in no time,
buddy. "
Vertical.
Fucking jock.
Oh, shit.
My bad.
- It's not you.
He does this all the time.
It's like he hates me.
What's his name?
- Jackson.
- Jackson?
No wonder he hates you.
- Can I call him Jack?
- Yeah, sure.
You ever try swaddling?
What?
- Swaddling.
May I?
Okay.
Hand him to me.
Hold his head.
- Try to take this blanket off
here.
You don't want him to get
too hot.
Hello, Jack.
There we go.
Look at that, buddy.
Hey, Jack, that's my quiet
little friend right there.
Where did you learn that?
- I used to work
at this halfway house
for recovering meth addicts.
There was a lot of unwed mothers
there and just...
it was terrible.
Really?
- No, I have a baby cousin
I take care of sometimes.
Mostly I just do it
to mess with my dad's head.
He gets so excited.
He's like, "Good job, son. "
You know that's the first thing
he asked the doctor
when I got injured was,
can I still get laid?
Of course, he asked
in more respectable terms,
like can I still have babies?
Now, that is what most people
want to know,
except usually, you know,
they're too scared to ask
unless they're drunk.
It's pretty amazing
what they can do these days
for these guys that are,
like, hardcore crips...
you know, those guys
that can't move, like,
zip, zilch, nothing, right?
How do they...
- They have this, like,
anal vibrator thing,
and they just stick it
up the guy's ass
and basically stimulate the
poor fucker until he orgasms,
then clean up the baby batter,
use it for in vitro.
Boom, he's off and running.
So I guess never stop believing.
That's great.
That... that's...
Yeah.
That they can do that.
Fortunately, for some of us,
we don't need that much help.
And the answer's yes, uh,
if the lady's on top.
But also my tongue still works.
Okay, I'm gonna go.
Um, it was nice talking to you.
Thanks for sharing your place.
Um...
- Hey, if you ever need
a swaddling,
come on back.
- Yeah.
Oh, thank you.
I know. I know. I know.
What are you doing?
I'm just trying to...
I don't know.
- Here, here.
Just let me have him.
You all right?
Ooh, man, buddy.
What's up?
I suck.
I suck at this.
- Jack, my main man,
you made it back.
So where did you get drums?
Oh, dear old Dad.
You know, I was bummed out
about the guitar,
so he went
on a bit of a shopping spree.
You got problems,
you throw money at it.
It's a very sophisticated
emotional technique, you know?
- And what happened
to the guitar?
Oh, the guitar, it's nothing.
I mean, it's my hands.
Ah, don't look so fucking sad.
I can still do plenty of things,
providing it doesn't require
any fine motor skills.
Shit, even a one-armed dude
could be a drummer, right?
Yeah.
So where's this guitar?
Wow.
You like?
Sweet.
It's been a while.
I-I would have to cut my nails.
Jack, listen to your mom.
She's fucking rocking it.
He likes you.
- Yeah, well, that's 'cause
I talk to him,
you know, like a real person,
man to man.
Isn't that right, Mr. Jack?
It's that simple, huh?
- It really... yeah, I mean,
it's pretty amazing
what a straightforward
conversation
between equals
can accomplish, you know?
Maybe I should try that.
Where'd you learn to play?
I was in a band.
Wait, wait, wait.
You were in a band.
Yes.
Why do you look so surprised?
I wasn't always
a suburban housewife.
I was young and wild once.
Well, let me guess.
You were in, like, a mid-'90s
kind of riot grrrl band
type thing?
- What? What do you know
about riot grrrls?
It was kind of like
Sleater-Kinney, in a way.
Oh.
So you were, like, a guitarist?
- I played bass,
and I wrote all the lyrics.
- Sleater-Kinney didn't have
a bassist.
- You are very smart.
No, they didn't.
We aspired to be
like Sleater-Kinney.
So what was your band's name?
We were called Wet Nap.
Wet Nap?
Yeah, we thought it would be
kind of gritty and dirty,
and we liked the fact
that it had the word "wet"
in it, you know.
- So like Wet-Nap,
like the thing you...
like, after you eat ribs,
you get a moist towelette
and you wipe your ribs grease?
Yeah, actually...
That was actually
one of our biggest songs.
I'm not kidding.
- What?
No way.
It was called Moist Towelette,
and we would play it
in the middle of the show,
and that's when everybody
would lose their shit.
- You are jerking my chain
right now.
- Well, I'd like to hear that
sometime.
Maybe you will.
#I can't cut the string #
#That's tying you to me #
#I will let you in #
#But I won't make you
come in again #
#Dance until we sleep #
#Under that marquee #
#20 miles from home #
#With you's the only place
where I've never felt alone #
#So I need #
#I just need to know
if you hear me #
#I just need to know
if you'll be there #
#I just need to know #
#that you'll never let me go #
What is that?
Are you gonna start
break-dancing for me?
You gonna break-dance?
- This, my little millennial
smart-ass,
is a device used for playing
an obsolete form
of musical technology
called the cassette tape.
Oh, okay.
- And in the olden days before
MP3s and all that garbage,
we used this as the homemade
recording device of choice.
Moist Towelette.
- I don't know.
Is it?
Okay, okay, okay.
- Are you ready?
- Yeah, yeah.
#I live in a darkness #
#You can never fear #
#Underneath the black light #
#As I like the taste #
#And I'd walk for miles
just to scream my name #
#But you give me
the runaround #
#I'll never be the same #
#I want, I want, I want to be #
#Your moist towelette #
Oh, my God!
All right.
#Oh, let me be your... #
#Moist towelette #
Dude!
#Rub your hands on me #
- Dude, that is
so fucking excellent.
Thanks.
Yeah.
How...
I was... um, I can't talk.
I guess we were all right.
Also, before there were blogs
and the interwebs
and you couldn't touch and feel
everything,
we primitives liked
to share our information
and spread the fire
through little things
called zines.
Zines.
Oh, that's really cool.
That art, it's...
Yeah, you know, I used to be,
like, really good at that too.
Like, uh,
I had scholarships lined up
and everything for art.
I want to see that sometime.
Yeah, well, I burned them all.
- Okay, well,
do you recognize anybody?
That's you.
Oh, my God,
that's you on the left.
Yep.
We were loud and proud.
Hey, they're here.
Okay, I'll be right down!
- I'm gonna go
start up the grill!
You do that, honey.
Thanks, Dad.
Here you go.
Think fast.
Oh, and in case you're
wondering, I like mine toasted.
Oh, shit, I almost forgot.
You know what?
I think
something's wrong with her.
No, really.
Are you guys okay?
Oh, fuck off, Julie.
You fuck off.
- Kiddies.
- Such language.
Come on, guys.
Deviled eggs.
Do you even like deviled eggs?
- His family can just be
so annoying and 1950s.
I felt like taking it
to the next level...
you know, whipping up
some deviled eggs.
Clearly, yeah, deviled eggs.
Did they eat them, at least?
Yeah, it was good.
It's a baby.
Excuse us.
We must look like freaks.
- Not me.
You with the hair.
- Well, did you know about him
and his family or whatever
before you got married?
- I didn't think they would be
so involved in our lives.
And I didn't think we'd be
moving here.
That's for sure.
What about your parents?
Oh, well, my dad's dead.
Sorry.
What about your mom?
We don't speak.
She hasn't met Jackson?
Not yet.
She lives in upstate New York,
and she's very busy
whoring herself
around the senior circuit, so...
Oh, man, count me in.
- I thought I hated my parents,
but, I mean...
- Can we talk about
anything else?
I really like your hair.
I mean, I think
it's fucking sexy.
You do?
You should have seen the looks
on their faces when I came out
and I was just like "ta-da"
with the pl...
I don't know.
That's funny.
You're not your mom, though,
you know. I mean...
What?
- I just mean
you're gonna figure it out.
It's not gonna be like that
for you and Jack, you know.
Little Jack-o.
- Thank you for helping me
with him and... and everything.
- Shut the fuck up.
Come on.
Did you just mimic me?
- Yeah.
Hold on.
Upsy-daisy.
#A to, to, to #
#A to, to, to #
#A to, to, to, to, to, dah #
- Yoo-hoo!
In here!
- Hey, I didn't expect to see
you guys again so soon.
- Well, Josh told us that he'd
be working late a lot,
and he asked us
to check up on you.
Oh, good.
Neat-o.
- Mom and I have been talking
about you.
Is this an intervention?
Of course not.
You make it sound like
you're an addict or something.
- You're not.
Are you?
No!
No.
- No, you're just
sleep-deprived,
overworked, and exhausted.
- So we thought
that we could help out
with meals and babysitting.
Hi.
- We wanted you to have a chance
to get out and clear your mind
and get recharged
and come back
ready to love the little pooper.
I do love my little pooper.
Of course you do.
And I've got the number
of a really good therapist
for this sort of thing.
- Wow, you haven't even found
a sperm donor
and you've already located
a postpartum counselor for me?
- See?
That is exactly what I mean.
The moodiness,
the irrational outbursts.
That was a joke, Julie.
That's not even an outburst.
I think you need help.
- We'd like to come by
every afternoon.
Would that be all right?
Do I have a choice?
- Why don't you go out and do
something nice for yourself?
Like maybe see a therapist.
- I want to work
with the handicapped.
Oh.
Wow, that...
that is a good idea.
Yeah, working with
the less fortunate.
- I was thinking of something
a little more fun,
like a night out,
girls' night out or something.
With you guys?
- Of course not.
With your friends.
Just take some time out,
have a couple of drinks.
- Gosh, I haven't talked
to the girls in so long.
- Not that we want to encourage
drinking to excess, of course.
Of course.
I don't even like drinking.
- Oh, my God!
Hello!
- Hey!
- Oh, my God!
Hey, ladies.
Look at you.
Your hair!
Good to see you.
- Come here. Come here.
Come here. Come here.
When you said you were moving
to the 'burbs,
you weren't kidding.
- I know.
Nice to see you too.
Oh, pictures?
Oh.
I want to see.
- You're gonna die.
He's so beautiful.
Women-Oh!
- Oh, my God.
- So cute!
- Doesn't he look like Josh?
- Totally.
- And this one, there's
a little bit of a smile.
- And look at its teeny...
look at its teeny little feet.
- I know!
- Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, Kelly,
you've got to see the pictures
of Nikki's new puppy.
Show her.
- Okay.
We got a Weimaraner.
They're really high-strung dogs
but, like, intelligent,
super intelligent.
Like human intelligent
but really needy.
It's exhausting but rewarding.
You know what I mean.
Look.
Look at that.
I mean, look at
the beautiful face on that dog.
- Wow, that's...
that's a dog.
I know, right?
It's like your whole life
changes, right?
Like, all of a sudden,
your whole world
revolves around them.
- Oh, sweetie,
I'm so proud of you, sweetie.
To the mommies!
- To the mommies.
- To the mommies.
So nice to see you, Kel.
- How many, um, calories
are in...
- Hola.
Nacho lady con cervezas.
Hey.
You enjoying the view?
No, not really.
Who's the uptight bitch?
- That would be
my sister-in-law, Julie.
- She's a little bit
overdressed.
Wow.
Wh...
I brought you nachos
and cervezas.
Muy bueno.
To what do I owe this unexpected
nocturnal pleasure?
You reading poetry?
Hey.
#Your moist towelette #
- Nice music.
- Yeah.
Well, I know the bassist.
She's a total fox.
So what are you... doing here
and all dressed up?
Not that I'm unhappy to see you,
but shouldn't you be at home
with your husband and kid?
- I was ordered
to go out and have a good time,
so I had a girls' night out.
- So shouldn't you be out
with your posse
at fucking Tommy's Irish Tavern
or something?
Yep.
Wow.
I realized we don't have
anything in common anymore.
People are cowards.
Nobody ever just comes out
and says,
"Dude, your life
totally freaks me out. "
They just vanish.
- Jesus.
Sorry.
I mean, that's basically
the same thing that happened
to me.
Just... I got out of rehab,
and they threw
this big party for me and,
and then... and then, you know,
they all disappeared.
I haven't seen them since.
Bailey said, uh,
it was too intense for her.
She was fucking some other dude
four weeks to the day
after the accident.
What a bitch.
Yeah.
Yeah, I mean,
this was basically her fault.
What do you mean?
- She was always making me
jump through hoops
and do crazy shit for her,
like stealing these signs.
You know,
I was supposed to prove
how I felt about her
or something.
Anyways, I was performing
what turned out to be
the last of my grand gestures
when I had the accident.
I climbed to the top
of this water tower...
you know, the one on the hill
by the overpass?
Mm-hmm.
- And I was gonna put
her name on it
but, I mean, not just her name...
like, this whole mural with,
like, undergrowth and plants
and leaves and flowers.
It was so cool up there, man.
And, uh... and it was a statement
about Bailey as this life-force,
like the electrical energy
of wild growing things.
That's beautiful.
Yeah.
Well, that's how
she made me feel.
And, uh, I'm 50 feet
above the ground,
spray-painting her name,
and I never finished.
I got to the word "bail,"
which is basically what she did
when she figured out
the fucking physical therapy
wasn't gonna take.
To absent friends.
Fuck 'em.
Fuck 'em.
But I still have to go to school
with her.
Jesus.
Oh!
I can't wait till this
graduation shit is over!
Oh, God,
you must have all that
senior bullshit coming up,
like with the pajama breakfast
and amusement park day and...
The prom! What a farce.
God, prom.
There's no way
I'm attending now.
Who's Bailey going with?
My former best friend, Zack.
I'm sure they'll take lovely
commemorative photos,
post them on Facebook.
I remember my prom.
I got dumped by my boyfriend
two weeks before,
and, um, he started seeing
this girl
who would wear black nail polish
after I did.
Then she'd show up in the same
Vans after I wore them.
And he basically was falling for
this little slutty counterfeit.
It was... whatever.
And then I... you know,
I didn't want to stay home
and feel like a loser,
so I asked somebody out,
and it was this guy named Gordy.
- Gordy?
- Yes, Groovy Gordy.
Groovy Gordy was the
weed connection on our campus,
so I thought I was sort of
one-upping my boyfriend,
but it turns out
Groovy Gordy was really
a D&D playing,
fantasy novel-reading loner
who spent lots of time
in his head,
so we end up at his house
watching this... this thing
called Zardoz
while he's just fumbly trying
to unhook my bra,
and it was just...
Wait, wait, what is Zardoz?
Oh, you don't want to know.
It was just... the whole thing
was a total debacle,
and, you know,
as far as prom goes,
there are worse things
than opting out entirely.
Hmm.
I like that, opting out.
Well, it's getting late for me.
Okay.
It was nice hanging.
I guess I'll see you
when I see you.
Okay.
Thanks for the nachos,
nacho lady.
Hey.
Hi.
Good night out?
Yeah, it was... nice.
- Well, I was hoping they'd
get you a little liquored up
so I could take advantage
of you.
That's sweet.
Were you busy lighting candles?
Yeah, I just, um...
well, I wanted to try
and make you feel sexy again.
Really?
Come here.
Hi.
Hi.
Oh.
You know...
if you're still too sore
down there,
we can do it up the butt.
Whatever makes you feel sexy.
- So, you know,
if you're going to pretend
to be all sensitive
and emotional and shit,
you might want to lay off
the anal sex requests.
Unless you just do jing jang
'cause you can't admit
you saw it in a video
with a Ukrainian girl.
Oh, sorry.
I shouldn't say all that stuff
about your dad,
'cause I love your daddy,
and he loves your mommy.
Ooh, oh, oh.
Okay.
It's all good.
Oh, crap.
Oh, yay, it's Meemaw.
This is one of my favorites.
Oh, I just love that outfit.
- Thank you.
Yeah, I got this...
I love this outfit.
- Mine?
- Yes, you look so fanta...
- Hey, Bev.
- Oh, hey.
I've got a surprise for you.
A surprise?
Kelly, come meet Mitzi.
She does makeovers.
Actually, I like to say
I offer
head-to-toe transformation.
- Oh.
Hi.
- Okay, come on
and sit down right over here.
It'll be fun!
- So I understand
you've been feeling
a little down and dumpy
and housewifey.
Let's start with that hair.
Home job, I take it?
Yeah, but it's Manic Panic.
It's just...
- Oh, Lord,
like that old Bangles song,
Just Another Mangled Monday?
I hear you.
Anyway, I think
it can be salvaged.
- And we also brought along
some outfits for you to try on.
And a little pixie dust
to bring out the natural beauty
in you.
So...
shall we get started?
Yes.
Okay.
I like transforming.
Check me out.
Eat your heart out.
What happened to you?
- It's a depressed mommy
makeover.
Was that Julie's idea?
- Actually, it was Bev's,
because, really,
what psychological problem/
existential crisis
can't be fixed
with a good makeover?
Well, you're creeping me out.
You look like my mom.
Is that such a bad thing?
- Yes.
Yes, it is a bad thing.
No, think about it.
I could sign
your permission slips.
I could get you out of
those pesky sessions
with the school counselor
that you love.
I could just bail you
out of class whenever.
- For the love of God
and all that is holy,
please change that shirt.
Hmm.
- You gotta lose
those barrettes too.
Yes, sir.
- You know, uh, it's a shame
about that turquoise.
It was really growing on me.
- I know.
Me too.
But you can't solve the blues
with blue hair, you know?
God, did Bev say that?
- No, actually,
the transformation lady said it.
That's awesome.
So how was your day at school?
School was swell.
Uh, let me see.
I passed my chem exam.
We watched a very enlightening
video about STDs.
Um, tried to ignore
Zack and Bailey
inhaling each other's face off
in the library all day.
- Fuck 'em.
- Yeah, fuck 'em.
No plans for the evening?
- No.
- What, no candlelit dinner
with the hubby?
Oh, no, he's at work.
He's gonna be home late again.
He has a very big deadline,
very big.
- He works late a lot,
doesn't he?
- Yeah, well, he has
a really high-pressure job.
- You don't think
he's cheating on you?
No.
Yeah, it's too clich, right?
Pregnant wife,
right after the baby's born.
Listen, I have a question
for you.
Um...
do you have a... a nice dress?
- A dress?
- Yes, a nice dress.
Something nice, you know,
you wear to formal events
and that kind of thing?
- Yeah, 'cause I go
to a lot of formal events.
Ha!
Why?
- Because I want to take you
somewhere nice.
Well, that's sweet of you,
unless you're being sarcastic,
in which case it's really mean.
No, no, no, I'm not.
Where are you gonna take me?
- Can't tell you.
Surprise.
Except you have to tell me.
Otherwise, I'm not gonna go
anywhere.
Sure, you are.
Sounds like it'll require
a trip to, like, a thrift shop,
consignment, vintage,
whatever hipsters call it.
- How nice of a dress
are you talking about?
- Just something that makes you
feel pretty and fancy.
- I'm not going to your prom,
Cal.
Fuck the prom.
- So?
- So buy a dress.
Something young and sexy
and not mommyish,
not that mommies aren't sexy
sometimes.
No, you don't understand.
I'm not going to your prom.
Just buy the damn dress, okay?
It's for Special Teens award.
- Special Teens?
- Special Teens.
You've been nominated
best new mentor.
I was gonna give you
Mentor of the Year,
but, you know,
it seemed like overkill.
Oh, you're special, all right.
Just buy the damn dress, okay?
Okay.
Hello.
- Hi.
It's me.
Hey, is everything all right?
Yeah.
I was just calling to say hi.
Oh, hi, you.
Hi.
The baby sleeping okay?
- Yeah, he fought it
for a little bit,
but now he's down.
Good, good.
- So you gonna be there late
again tonight?
Yeah, unfortunately.
Definitely don't wait up.
You should get some sleep
while you can.
Okay.
Bye.
We made pie!
- We thought
the kids might like it.
What kids?
The Special Teens, you know?
Oh, I'm not doing that today.
- Why not?
Aren't you feeling okay?
You look okay to me.
- No, I'm-I'm not feeling
up to it.
That was fast.
What?
- The novelty wear off?
- No.
- Do you think that they feel
like being in a wheelchair
or having a seeing eye dog
or service monkey
or whatever their
unfortunate circumstances are?
They don't get a choice.
- She's not saying
she'll never go again.
She just needs a day off.
Right, that's...
- You know, we don't want to let
a good pie go to waste.
Right, Kelly?
- Yeah.
Okay, I'll get us plates.
Make it a chocolate cream pie!
Twist my arm!
- Everybody always makes it
sound like it's our fault,
like we're these terrible,
career-obsessed women
too selfish to stop
and have kids
until it's too late.
What about the man-children
in their late 30s
blowing huge chunks
of their life
playing Grand Theft Auto?
Why don't they analyze
that trend?
- You should go out
with an older man.
They have a much longer
shelf life than we do.
Don't be disgusting.
No, I think Bev has a point.
Who's that old guy?
Tony Randall?
He's still pumping out kids.
He's dead, Kelly.
- You know, it takes men
a lot longer to grow up
than we do.
That's a fact.
- Why?
Because we let them.
- Because growing up
is actually really painful,
and women have a stronger
threshold for pain,
supposedly.
- We can't all be
adolescent narcissists.
Where are you going?
To put on some coffee.
And so I don't have to listen
to you.
Nasty.
- It's so easy
for you to be smug,
isn't it?
You have everything I want.
You should be so happy, Kelly.
What is wrong with you?
I don't know.
Oh, hey.
- Hey, lady.
You need a ride?
Hop in.
Okay.
Nice wheels.
I wanted a Firebird,
but, uh, this is much
more expensive and safer.
My parents have no fucking sense
of irony.
Oh, you got it this time.
- What?
- Nothing.
Cal.
- What?
- Cal!
You jackass!
It's a Volvo.
It's completely safe, remember?
Wow, there's, like, no one here.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah,
we timed it perfectly.
Too late for the lunch rush,
too early for the early birds,
way too early
for the night owls.
Okay, so what's good here?
Well, um, actually,
can we just have two orders
of French fries with gravy;
two cherry Cokes, extra syrup;
and $5 in quarters,
same as always?
- I guess
that's what I'll be having.
She used to be my babysitter.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- She didn't even look you
in the eye.
- Yeah, I know.
Nobody does.
Except for you.
- Okay, so what's
with the quarters?
- This goes all the way back
to the '80s.
That's when you were
in high school, right?
Shut up.
Oh, my God,
I remember all these songs.
Huh!
Did you get the dress?
A dress?
You know, the dress?
- No, I don't know.
What are you... what...
- Come on; you know exactly
what I'm talking about.
Don't do this.
- Yes, I got a dress.
- Okay.
- A really kick-ass one,
actually.
What's it look like?
I'm not telling you.
That'll be my surprise.
Nice.
#All through the night #
#I'll be awake #
#And I'll be with you #
Hello.
Hey.
Wow, that smells good.
- You're home. Early.
- Mm-hmm.
Mom said she made lasagna,
and I wasn't gonna miss that.
- Oh, of course she said
something about that.
Sweet.
So I'll just go change,
and I'll be right back down.
Mom's lasagna.
Mmm.
Has it been helpful
having her and Julie around?
Yeah.
- Oh, how'd you get
on that whole, um,
helping the handicapped thing?
Oh, I don't know.
I think
I just felt bad about, um,
yelling at the kid
in the wheelchair.
I'll see.
- Hi.
- Hey.
Mrs. Cooper, is she in?
Oh, honey?
Um...
Hi... Mrs. Cooper.
Hi... Calvin.
Oh, you didn't...
you didn't forget, did you?
- Oh, my goodness.
I did forget.
Special Teen awards.
Miss Cooper is probably
too modest to tell you,
but she's been nominated
for best new mentor.
Wow.
That's tonight?
You can't win if you don't go.
- Okay, I'll... I'm...
I'll go get ready.
Come on in.
- Hey, thanks.
- Sure.
- I was coming home late
from school one night.
We were been working hard
on our model UN debate.
My team was arguing
in favor of microloans
for physically abused
Pakistani women
to start their own
candle-making co-op.
We left high-fiving each other,
walking on air,
sure that we would win.
Mm.
But I never made that debate.
A drunk driver
plowed across the divider
and changed my life forever.
Shit.
You know what, though?
Thanks to the hard work
of my team,
that co-op has helped
over 300 women
change their lives forever.
Oh, yeah?
One candle at a time.
Oh, cool.
Thanks, man.
That's awesome.
Thanks.
Cinnamon-y.
- That's the smell of hope,
my friend.
Okay, ready.
- Golly, Miss... Miss Cooper,
you look nice.
Thanks, Calvin.
Are you wearing combat boots?
Mm-hmm, yeah.
Okay, let's just go.
All right, you guys, have fun.
Don't, uh...
don't keep her out late.
I'll get that.
- Thank you.
- All righty, then.
- See you soon.
- See you guys.
- Geez,
your husband's such a douche.
No, he isn't.
And what was that in there?
Thanks for the warning,
by the way.
- The whole thing's
supposed to be a surprise.
Will you please just...
- Oh, sorry.
- Don't push me.
I hate that shit.
I know.
- You look retrotastic,
by the way.
- Thank you.
You look very... suave.
Thank you.
Where are we going?
What's that?
More surprises.
Get in.
Watch your feet.
Whoo!
Holy shit.
Get back in.
Are you kidding me?
- Does it look like
I'm kidding you?
Here, here, here, here.
Do it.
Do it.
Whoo!
- Here, here, here.
Take it.
Oh, jeez.
- Wait, wait,
run, run, run, run.
Come on.
Whee!
Sorry I don't have any pot.
That's okay.
I don't smoke that anymore.
- Why, because of
your awesome prom date,
Groovy Gordy?
Groovy Gordy.
Oh, fuck you.
Mm.
I got this.
Do it.
Nailed it!
- I had no idea
that you were a jock.
Can we still be friends?
- Okay.
I'll think about it.
- I'll just put you
in a headlock
and, like, not invite you
to parties and stuff.
What is with the candles, Cal?
Please don't tell me you're
planning an animal sacrifice.
Oh, no, no.
No, this is an exorcism.
Of what?
- We are exorcising
your shitty prom past
and my shitty no-prom present.
Yes.
How are we gonna do it?
Well, since you asked...
What?
Oh, no!
How did you know?
It was an educated guess and...
okay, I used the internet.
#What you mean to me #
Well, Mrs. Cooper?
Don't call me that.
Mrs. Cooper?
I can't d... I'm not dancing.
- You can't?
Bullshit, you can't dance.
Are you in a wheelchair?
Oh, don't give me that crap.
I can dance.
Check out these moves.
#It's not worth trying for #
That's pretty slick.
Then you can dance, okay?
So get your ass
out on the floor.
I can't; I'm too drunk.
- Then you're perfectly
primed up. Come on.
Okay.
#I do it for you #
Here she goes.
#Look into your heart #
#You will find #
#There's nothing there
to hide #
Don't!
#Take me as I am #
#Take my life #
- Hold on tight.
- Stop!
I'm not... no, I can't, really.
I'm not...
Oh, no.
Oh, my God, I am so sorry.
Oh, my God.
Let's do it again.
- You want to do it again?
- Yes.
All right, hop on.
I love this song.
I know.
You pay attention, huh?
Mm-hmm.
So are we dancing?
Yeah.
Am I doing okay?
- Yeah.
You're doing great.
You just got to hold on.
- #All through the night
today #
#Knowing that we feel the same
without saying #
#We have no past #
#We won't reach back #
#Keep me with me forward #
#All through the night #
#And once we start,
the meter clicks #
#And it goes running
all through the night #
#Until it ends #
#There is no end #
- Cal.
- What?
Oh, my God, Cal.
It's the cops!
Oh, shit.
Are you kidding me?
- Just grab the bag.
Grab the bag!
What do you got?
We got everything?
This can't be happening.
- We gotta go.
We gotta go.
#All alone #
#In the cold, hard ground #
#I'll be leaving soon #
#Far away #
#But still near #
Um...
Thanks for...
planning all this
and surprising me.
- No problem.
I-I'm glad you came.
I had a really nice time.
Well, good night.
Good night.
Hey.
Hi.
How was the awards thing?
It was, uh, nice.
- Mm.
Did you win?
Um, no.
No?
Well, you are best new mentor
in my book.
- #The monkey knows
how you'll react #
#Creating want
by holding back #
#Like some reverse pyromaniac #
#Let me try, baby, try #
#I propped my window up
and then #
#I turned my back
to lure you in #
#To rifle through
what I might have been #
#Let me try, baby, try #
- I hope you like
lemon meringue.
Bev's been busy.
Oh, hello.
You... you must be Kelly.
Oh, yes, I am.
- Well, Cal has told me
so much about you.
He has?
- You've been
a real lifeline for him.
Thank God for Special Teens.
He absolutely refused to see
a traditional therapist.
Yeah, that sounds like Cal.
Yes.
I want to assure you
that I-I-I understand
the-the-the privacy
of your process,
but he has been off
his antidepressants
for... for two months now,
and he seems fine,
but I-I can't help but worry.
So if you ever hear any language
or see any behavior
that could be troubling,
you will let me know?
Of course.
- Mom.
- Hi, Cal.
What are you doing in here?
- I'm just doing
a little cleaning.
You mean snooping?
- I was not snooping.
Come on.
Well, do you mind?
It's a private session.
Calvin, consider me gone.
So...
Yeah, I missed you yesterday.
I was with my in-laws.
- I thought maybe
you were avoiding me.
No.
I brought pie.
I love pie.
Yeah, I thought so.
Let's go to the park.
It's so stuffy in here.
Well, what about the pie?
We'll bring it, have a picnic.
I got to hand it to Bev.
That is the best pie
I've ever had.
You have a little bit of
meringue over there.
Thank you.
Smoke?
I have to quit.
Josh can smell it in my hair.
- When's the last time
Josh smelled your hair?
- And you shouldn't be smoking
either.
- Why?
I'm not fucking pregnant.
- Well, I'm not gonna
lecture you.
- Good, 'cause life's
too fucking short.
It is short.
It's short and precious.
Don't squander it.
- Wow.
That's, like, beautiful, man.
You're still young, Cal.
- Yes, I've got so many years
ahead of me
to obsess about
what my life could have been.
- You can't just let that chair
be the only thing
that defines you.
You just really don't know
what the fuck
you're talking about,
so you should probably
just shut up right now, okay?
- You can't just define yourself
by the things you've lost.
Give me something else.
Hey.
What are you doing down here?
- Believe me,
I can hear him down here.
Okay.
Wow, look how young we were.
- I'm trying to figure out
what to do about...
Cal.
Who?
Oh, the kid in the wheelchair?
- Yeah.
Him.
- Haven't you done enough
already?
You were so hot,
that bass
slung over your shoulder
and your bra strap
all hanging out.
- He used to be an artist,
like you.
"Used to be. "
He used to draw, like you.
- Yeah, well, will he become
a corporate sell-out
like me too?
No, he had a spinal injury
and lost
all his fine motor function.
He can't draw?
Okay, that sucks.
Yeah.
Yeah, it does.
So what did you think?
Maybe some shitty pottery
might cheer him up?
Fuck you.
Kelly.
Kelly, I was just kidding.
Jesus Christ, come on!
What is that, a cadaver?
It's your something else.
It stinks.
I want you to take this clay
and just put it in your hands.
First lesson, the coil pot.
You take a piece of clay
like this.
You can squeeze it
and make a snakelike formation,
and then you...
just wrap it
or coil it around itself.
It's really simple.
No fine motor skills
are required,
and you can make yourself
a great ashtray.
Thought you were quitting.
- Yeah, I am,
but you don't have to.
Don't watch.
Okay.
- Where did you learn
this profoundly useful skill?
- "Expressions
in Three Dimensions. "
It was my elective.
Awesome.
It's where I met Josh.
You met Josh in art class?
- Yep.
He was an art major.
He was an art major?
Why are you acting so shocked?
I mean, have you seen the guy?
He's like the poster boy
for fucking
Abercrombie & Douche.
No, he isn't.
And he has to dress like that
for work.
He's in advertising.
Oh, that makes sense.
- You know, everybody makes
compromises, Cal.
We all have to make sacrifices
in life,
and sometimes even when you do
all of that
and you play by the rules,
things still don't turn out
like you expected them to.
I'm done.
Can I look?
Mm-hmm.
It's not quite to scale;
I'm a little bit bigger.
Asshole.
- I'm an asshole?
- Yeah.
You're the one who turned into
Mother fucking Teresa overnight.
I'm just doing my best.
I'm-I'm just trying.
What are you trying to do?
Help me adjust to my new life?
Help me contribute to society?
I thought you were
my fucking friend!
I am.
- Then quit jerking me around
with this art therapy shit.
I don't need your fucking pity,
okay?
And a fucking ashtray
isn't gonna make my life
worth living!
So if you need
some short little project
to make your life worth living,
why don't you go to the gym
and rehabilitate
your draggy, fucking used up,
old, nasty ass?
Then maybe your husband
would fuck you!
Hello?
Oh, my God.
Hello?
What are you doing?
- Hi.
I was just gonna take a bath.
- Wait.
- What?
What's this?
It's an apology for...
everything.
See, I want you to know
that I haven't forgotten...
haven't forgotten who you are,
why I fell in love with you.
What's wrong?
You don't like it?
No, it's beautiful.
Kelly.
Kel.
Are you okay?
Look, Kelly,
I want to make you happy,
but I-I don't know what to do.
You know, I'm new to this too.
I'm trying.
Well, I'm going to bed.
Hey.
Hey.
I know.
Yeah, I know.
Shh.
Shh.
Shh.
Thanks, Bev.
- Oh, you're welcome.
Anything interesting?
- This.
Fancy.
Mrs. Kelly Cooper.
Let me see.
Special Teen Initiative.
- Is that from the young man
you were mentoring?
I think so.
What's it say?
It says, "You are invited
to a special exhibition
this Saturday. "
Well, well, well,
look who came back
for another pottery lesson.
I can't see you anymore.
What?
Um, this thing
that we have between us,
it was wrong,
and it was my fault,
and I shouldn't have, uh,
let it go as far as it did.
And I thought
we were being friends.
That's what I told myself.
But I... we have to just...
You're serious.
- I have a husband,
and I have a baby,
and I'm, like, twice your age.
I'm supposed to be a grownup.
I shouldn't have never... ever
let it get as far as it did.
- What's that?
I can't hear you.
Speak up!
I'm sorry!
I'm sorry!
- Don't!
- Hey.
- Hi.
- How are you?
How's everybody?
How are you?
- So you gonna go
to that art show thing?
Hmm?
That Special Teen thing?
- I don't know.
Maybe.
So he's still doing art, huh?
I mean, 'cause of you?
Yeah.
- Well, guess I was wrong
about that shitty pottery.
Kidding.
No, um,
actually,
I think it's pretty cool.
You, uh, really
made a difference in his life.
Thanks.
Do you like it?
Where have you been?
Here and there.
I had to get ready
for this show, find a kiln,
get it all fired up.
What is that doing here
with my name on it?
- Hopefully winning
the grand jury prize
in the art show for retards.
You might want to unhand me,
by the way.
You're basically assaulting
a handicapped teenager
in public right now.
That was a private moment.
That's better.
Now it just seems like
we're having a lovers' spat.
Stop pushing me, all right?
That was between us.
There is no us.
I think you made that
very clear.
- That moment, I did
'cause I was worried about you
and I didn't want you
slipping away and opting out.
And I wanted you to stop
feeling sorry for yourself
and start living.
- Wrong, you felt sorry
for yourself,
and you were jerking me around
so you could get more
fucking attention.
- That's not true.
- Come on!
Just come out and say it,
all right?
You're a big fucking cock tease!
- What are you doing?
- Cal!
I'm so sorry.
I-I have no idea
what would make him say
something like that.
- Where do you think I got
the idea
to sculpt a naked woman, Mother?
It wasn't from Rodin.
- Calvin, let's just calm down,
okay,
and think about what's
gonna come out of our mouths
before we talk.
- With her parading around
with her tits out,
begging me to look,
and her kissing me?
Give me a fucking lap dance
and then pretending
like it meant nothing.
Why do you think
that I called it Kelly?
Tell her.
- That's...
- Come on.
- That's enough.
- Tell her.
- Tell me what?
It wasn't like that.
It wasn't like that.
It wasn't like that.
It wasn't like that.
You should go.
Josh, wait!
Wait!
It's not what it looks like!
- Really?
Really?
Then what is it, Kel?
Because, you know,
this should not be confusing.
It's stupid.
It's a puppy love crush.
- He made a life-sized
nude sculpture of you,
a pretty accurate one too,
and publicly displayed it.
I mean, Christ.
But it's nothing.
It's nothing, I swear.
I just needed someone
to talk to.
- Right, right, so naturally
you thought a teenaged boy
would be the perfect person
to pour your heart out to,
right?
Because, well, I mean,
hell, they're legendary
for being sensitive
and insightful.
I mean, are you serious?
Maybe it didn't occur to me
that anybody could ever look
at me like that anymore!
Kelly, he's a child.
What have you done?
- I don't know,
and I was just lonely,
and you were...
Oh, my God.
- And you were gone
all the time!
- Yeah, I was gone!
I was at work!
I was at work!
- Probably with your secretary!
- Oh, my God,
are you fucking serious?
Are you really gonna try
and turn this around on me?
Really?
I was working my ass off, Kelly,
for you, for Jackson, for us.
- Where are you going?
- My parents'.
- What about Jackson?
- Now you ask.
- Josh,
will you just talk to me?
- The baby's with Josh.
He's fine.
I just, uh, stopped by
to gather a few things.
Josh wants to crash on our couch
for a while
if we're okay with it,
and we are.
A baby changes marriage
in ways no one can imagine.
If there's a crack before,
it tends to widen.
He loves you,
but you can only
push someone away so often.
Give it time.
Okay?
Yeah.
Josh.
Kelly, this is Cal's mother.
Oh, hi, hello.
Is Cal there?
- No, I haven't seen him
since the gallery.
Is everything okay?
Hello?
Cal!
Cal!
You got everybody worried
about you.
I'm worried about you.
What are you doing?
I'm not talking to you.
- You broke
into a public building.
Don't you think
you're going to get caught?
- I have a mask.
They can't ID me.
And gloves, no fingerprints.
- How many wheelchair bandits
do you think are out there, huh?
Come on.
What's your plan?
Cal, what are you gonna do?
Come on.
Cal!
Cal.
Come on.
Come on.
Talk to me.
How many times do you think
that one person can have
their heart broken in a year
and survive?
Every time that you put someone
up on a pedestal,
they just show you how
they don't deserve to be there.
I mean, I tried
to lift Bailey up.
I tried to climb too high,
and I...
fell.
And then I did it with you,
my blue lady.
Cal...
- I realize now that I should
have never talked to you.
I mean, I had
unrealistic expectations.
I should have never broken down
my wall of illusion.
You paint a picture of someone
that you want to see,
and the reality
never measures up.
I took my blue lady
off her pedestal.
- Okay, I hear
what you're saying, all right?
And I completely understand you.
But, you know,
why don't we go get some coffee
and we'll continue
this conversation?
We can go to the diner
or something.
Oh, shit.
See, now we're both broken.
Come on.
Graduation's next week.
Yeah?
Are you gonna go?
Yeah, I don't know.
Apparently, they're trying
to get me
some kind of, like,
a scholarship
for winning the art show.
- Who?
Special Teens?
- Special Teens, yeah.
- No shit?
Does it still count if you
obliterated the winning entry?
- Mm-hmm.
I took pictures.
Why do you do that, Cal?
Destroy everything
that you make?
I don't know.
I was thinking
that maybe I'm a Buddhist
and I'm highlighting
the impermanence of things,
you know?
Yeah, I'm sure that's it.
- Could be like a Hindu,
you know,
reminding everyone
the other half of creation
is destruction.
Brahma and Shiva.
- Yep, that's exactly
what I thought.
- Or maybe
I need to chill the fuck out.
I mean, I don't know.
Maybe they can teach me that
at art school,
like, preferably with the use
of recreational drugage.
Hugs, not drugs.
- Right,
'cause life is precious,
short and precious.
Yeah.
What's gonna happen with, uh...
with Josh?
I don't know.
Am I ever gonna see you again?
I-I don't know.
I love you.
You know that, right?
I know.
You'll get over it.
I promise.
Hello, Kelly.
Hi, Bev.
Is Josh here?
Come on in.
Thank you.
Wake up, Josh.
What are you doing here?
I came to apologize.
Outside.
Is he sleeping?
Yeah.
Oh, good.
So...
Um, I've been thinking...
A lot about you and me.
I'm really sorry
for the way I treated you.
I'm sorry
for the way I've been acting.
I understand
if you don't want to talk.
It's just lately I felt like
I totally lost who I was
before Jackson
and that I'd lost you,
and... and I really needed you.
I can't do it by myself.
And I don't want to.
Me neither.
I screwed up so bad.
- Stop.
Let me just say something.
I love you.
I've always loved you.
I knew you needed me.
I just... I didn't know how.
I guess we need to try harder,
both of us.
I'd like that.
- #I look right
through the storm #
#I look back
'cause it keeps me warm #
#And all you learn is
you'll regret #
#All you want, you never get #
#You change #
#I want to tell you
how I feel #
#When I'm not there #
#I needed something
to believe #
#Something we both share #
#In a secret hiding place #
#You'll always find me there #
#And you change #
#Oh, you change #
#So #
#And you change #
#Oh, you change #
#And you change #
- Hi, Mama.
How you doing?
Hanging in there?
Yeah.
Okay, go ahead and lay back.
And scoot down.
All right, let's see
how we're healing up.
Where's the little one?
Home with Daddy?
Yes.
Enjoying motherhood so far?
Yes.
- Any bleeding, hemorrhoids,
or itching?
Um, no.
- Good.
Good.
Well, incision's
healing up great.
Everything looks dandy
down there.
All clear for whoopee,
not that most women
are raring to go at six weeks.
Uh, birth control?
- Somehow I don't think we'll be
needing that right away.
- Yeah,
I've heard that one before.
Just had one in here
with a 2-month-old
and pregnant again.
Sound like your idea
of a good time?
So, you know, have fun,
but play it safe.
Any other questions?
Um...
Okay, good to see you.
Bye, now.
- I don't... I don't know why
he's fussing.
You want me to change him?
I already did that.
I don't know
what his problem is.
- Here.
Bring him to me.
I'll take him.
Come here.
Hey, there, buddy.
- I got my six-week checkup
today.
- Yeah, that's right.
How'd that go?
Good.
The doctor said we could
get back to business,
if you know what I mean.
Really?
You up for that?
I am if you are.
Well, you know, I just figure
you're so tired with the baby
and everything.
Josh, we haven't had sex
in six months.
- Right, right.
No need to rush.
Hey, what are you...
Do I disgust you?
What?
No, of course not.
- Is it because
I have stretch marks now?
Am I just gross to you?
- You are perfect
exactly the way you are.
Okay?
I'm serious.
- Then why don't you stop
jerking off
and fuck your wife?
God.
Oh, for Christ sake.
Oh, you're so sexy.
Oh, God.
Oh.
Honey!
Honey!
Fuck!
Oh!
What time are you gonna be
home tonight?
Uh, it's hard to say.
They are really killing us
this week.
But, um, I'll do my best.
Bye.
Fuck.
- You supposed to be smoking,
Mommy?
None of your fucking business.
- Do you mind if I have one?
One of your...
Thank you.
Do you have a light?
- What, do you want me
to light it for you?
Would you mind?
Thank you.
I'm Cal, by the way.
I'm Kelly.
Nice to meet you.
Your kid is crying, Kelly.
I know.
The whole fucking neighborhood
can hear him cry.
- So you just gonna let him
cry it out?
Cry it out?
It's called Ferberizing...
when they cry and...
- Right, right, I think I heard
of Ferberizing.
I'm sure you have.
No, I'm not kidding.
Okay.
Cool smoke rings.
You have great tits.
Excuse me?
- Little Junior in there
should be more grateful.
- I don't know who you are,
but you should not...
Whoa, whoa, whoa, relax.
I was just trying to give you
a compliment, like, uh...
Get away from my house.
- Well,
draw the freakin' curtains
if you don't want
the whole neighborhood
to watch you breastfeed.
- If you don't leave,
I will call the cops.
Okay, okay, okay.
Okay.
Ciao, mamacita.
Oh, fuck.
- That's some opening line,
you know?
"Nice tits. "
I feel like such an asshole.
- Why?
Kid's a Peeping Tom.
- I know, but he's kind of
the first real person I've met
since we've moved here.
- Oh, so he gets a free pass
because he's in a wheelchair?
- No, I just shouldn't have
snapped at him.
He's a perv.
- Well, at least
someone's looking.
I'm looking.
It's just hard
to think of your boobs like that
when they're Jackson's
food supply right now.
- Wow, since you put it
like that...
Know what you should do?
Take the baby on a stroll.
Explore the neighborhood
a little bit.
You know, a little exercise.
Get the endorphins going.
- Sure, I'm exhausted,
I can barely get dressed,
but a nice brisk walk
in the neighborhood,
that might do the trick.
You never know.
It'll get better.
Mm, so they say.
Shh.
Okay.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey!
Wait.
I am nowhere near your house.
Oh, wait.
Wait.
I wanted to apologize
for yelling at you before.
Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.
I didn't realize that, um...
Oh, right, the chair.
Because Tourette's is a common
side effect of spinal injuries.
Okay.
- No, I've just been feeling
really exhausted
and out of sorts, you know,
since the...
- You got your baby to sleep.
Congratulations.
Yeah, I did.
Apparently, he really likes
going on walks.
Me too.
You know, that's a joke
about the walking.
You can laugh.
Right.
Okay.
- Okay.
This is my stop.
Wow.
You live here?
Nice house.
- I accept your apology,
and in return, I apologize
if I admired your breasts
inappropriately.
Oh, hey.
Hey.
Mom wanted to drop by
for dinner tonight.
Okay with you?
Oh, y-sure.
This was so good.
- He's so beautiful.
- Sweet.
He is the sweetest one ever.
And you look so beautiful,
Julie.
He looks just like you, Kelly.
Ooh, that is plenty.
This was so great.
Thanks again for cooking, Mom.
- It was really good.
- Thank you.
It was my pleasure, as always.
Mmm, mmm, mmm.
It's okay.
- Anybody want anything
from the kitchen?
How was your day, Mommy?
Huh?
I'm sorry.
What?
You must be exhausted.
I was just wondering
how your day was.
Okay.
Good.
I met a neighbor.
I...
- That's great.
- All right.
- Who'd you meet?
- You did? Great.
That's wonderful.
Remember our old neighbor
Charlie?
- You know, he's back
with his wife now.
- The old wife?
- Mary Ellen.
- Oh, guys, don't forget
I'm taking Jackson
to my walking group on Thursday.
- Yeah, but I don't know.
Maybe it is.
Maybe it has to do with...
Hi.
Are you guys an organized
mommies group or...
- This is the Glendora Park
mothers group.
Cool.
Well, I just moved here
a few months ago,
right before he was born,
so I haven't gotten out yet.
- You should check us out
online.
Oh.
Okay.
Yeah, there's an application
and, uh, a membership fee
for snacks and activities.
Sure, that makes sense.
- But everyone's welcome
to join.
See you soon.
You bet.
Hey.
Hey.
You can ignore that.
Come in.
Is he sleeping?
Yeah.
Finally.
Where did you get
all these signs?
Oh, it was a stupid game
me and my girlfriend, Bailey,
used to play.
Ex-girlfriend.
Nice place.
- Thank you.
Welcome to the clubhouse.
Let me get you a beer.
Uh, no, I'm nursing.
- Well, you know, some cultures
prescribe a daily beer
for nursing mothers...
uh, Guinness especially.
I think I have one back here.
I love Guinness.
But I'm not... no.
I'm... thank you.
Um...
so you live out here?
Yes, I do.
My parents didn't want
to remodel.
It fucks up resale value.
Wow.
Are they gonna invest
in a decent ramp anytime soon?
What's wrong with my ramp?
Wobbles.
- Well, I like to live
dangerously.
Besides, what's the worst
that could happen, really?
So...
my mom is suddenly this
huge crusader for the disabled.
She's all over the high school
to upgrade access to the stadium
for graduation,
which I have no plans
on attending.
But why should that stop her?
I mean, there's, like,
genocide in Darfur
and human trafficking
all throughout Eastern Europe,
but her son needs
a new fucking ramp.
Yeah, whatever.
She was probably secretly
pleased when it happened.
It gave her something to do.
Fucking clip my wings
just a little bit.
My father, on the other hand,
completely convinced
that I'm not gonna be
in this chair long enough
to warrant getting a new ramp.
He's all bedazzled by these
new advances
in stem cell research,
you know...
theoretical advances, mind you.
"You'll be vertical in no time,
buddy. "
Vertical.
Fucking jock.
Oh, shit.
My bad.
- It's not you.
He does this all the time.
It's like he hates me.
What's his name?
- Jackson.
- Jackson?
No wonder he hates you.
- Can I call him Jack?
- Yeah, sure.
You ever try swaddling?
What?
- Swaddling.
May I?
Okay.
Hand him to me.
Hold his head.
- Try to take this blanket off
here.
You don't want him to get
too hot.
Hello, Jack.
There we go.
Look at that, buddy.
Hey, Jack, that's my quiet
little friend right there.
Where did you learn that?
- I used to work
at this halfway house
for recovering meth addicts.
There was a lot of unwed mothers
there and just...
it was terrible.
Really?
- No, I have a baby cousin
I take care of sometimes.
Mostly I just do it
to mess with my dad's head.
He gets so excited.
He's like, "Good job, son. "
You know that's the first thing
he asked the doctor
when I got injured was,
can I still get laid?
Of course, he asked
in more respectable terms,
like can I still have babies?
Now, that is what most people
want to know,
except usually, you know,
they're too scared to ask
unless they're drunk.
It's pretty amazing
what they can do these days
for these guys that are,
like, hardcore crips...
you know, those guys
that can't move, like,
zip, zilch, nothing, right?
How do they...
- They have this, like,
anal vibrator thing,
and they just stick it
up the guy's ass
and basically stimulate the
poor fucker until he orgasms,
then clean up the baby batter,
use it for in vitro.
Boom, he's off and running.
So I guess never stop believing.
That's great.
That... that's...
Yeah.
That they can do that.
Fortunately, for some of us,
we don't need that much help.
And the answer's yes, uh,
if the lady's on top.
But also my tongue still works.
Okay, I'm gonna go.
Um, it was nice talking to you.
Thanks for sharing your place.
Um...
- Hey, if you ever need
a swaddling,
come on back.
- Yeah.
Oh, thank you.
I know. I know. I know.
What are you doing?
I'm just trying to...
I don't know.
- Here, here.
Just let me have him.
You all right?
Ooh, man, buddy.
What's up?
I suck.
I suck at this.
- Jack, my main man,
you made it back.
So where did you get drums?
Oh, dear old Dad.
You know, I was bummed out
about the guitar,
so he went
on a bit of a shopping spree.
You got problems,
you throw money at it.
It's a very sophisticated
emotional technique, you know?
- And what happened
to the guitar?
Oh, the guitar, it's nothing.
I mean, it's my hands.
Ah, don't look so fucking sad.
I can still do plenty of things,
providing it doesn't require
any fine motor skills.
Shit, even a one-armed dude
could be a drummer, right?
Yeah.
So where's this guitar?
Wow.
You like?
Sweet.
It's been a while.
I-I would have to cut my nails.
Jack, listen to your mom.
She's fucking rocking it.
He likes you.
- Yeah, well, that's 'cause
I talk to him,
you know, like a real person,
man to man.
Isn't that right, Mr. Jack?
It's that simple, huh?
- It really... yeah, I mean,
it's pretty amazing
what a straightforward
conversation
between equals
can accomplish, you know?
Maybe I should try that.
Where'd you learn to play?
I was in a band.
Wait, wait, wait.
You were in a band.
Yes.
Why do you look so surprised?
I wasn't always
a suburban housewife.
I was young and wild once.
Well, let me guess.
You were in, like, a mid-'90s
kind of riot grrrl band
type thing?
- What? What do you know
about riot grrrls?
It was kind of like
Sleater-Kinney, in a way.
Oh.
So you were, like, a guitarist?
- I played bass,
and I wrote all the lyrics.
- Sleater-Kinney didn't have
a bassist.
- You are very smart.
No, they didn't.
We aspired to be
like Sleater-Kinney.
So what was your band's name?
We were called Wet Nap.
Wet Nap?
Yeah, we thought it would be
kind of gritty and dirty,
and we liked the fact
that it had the word "wet"
in it, you know.
- So like Wet-Nap,
like the thing you...
like, after you eat ribs,
you get a moist towelette
and you wipe your ribs grease?
Yeah, actually...
That was actually
one of our biggest songs.
I'm not kidding.
- What?
No way.
It was called Moist Towelette,
and we would play it
in the middle of the show,
and that's when everybody
would lose their shit.
- You are jerking my chain
right now.
- Well, I'd like to hear that
sometime.
Maybe you will.
#I can't cut the string #
#That's tying you to me #
#I will let you in #
#But I won't make you
come in again #
#Dance until we sleep #
#Under that marquee #
#20 miles from home #
#With you's the only place
where I've never felt alone #
#So I need #
#I just need to know
if you hear me #
#I just need to know
if you'll be there #
#I just need to know #
#that you'll never let me go #
What is that?
Are you gonna start
break-dancing for me?
You gonna break-dance?
- This, my little millennial
smart-ass,
is a device used for playing
an obsolete form
of musical technology
called the cassette tape.
Oh, okay.
- And in the olden days before
MP3s and all that garbage,
we used this as the homemade
recording device of choice.
Moist Towelette.
- I don't know.
Is it?
Okay, okay, okay.
- Are you ready?
- Yeah, yeah.
#I live in a darkness #
#You can never fear #
#Underneath the black light #
#As I like the taste #
#And I'd walk for miles
just to scream my name #
#But you give me
the runaround #
#I'll never be the same #
#I want, I want, I want to be #
#Your moist towelette #
Oh, my God!
All right.
#Oh, let me be your... #
#Moist towelette #
Dude!
#Rub your hands on me #
- Dude, that is
so fucking excellent.
Thanks.
Yeah.
How...
I was... um, I can't talk.
I guess we were all right.
Also, before there were blogs
and the interwebs
and you couldn't touch and feel
everything,
we primitives liked
to share our information
and spread the fire
through little things
called zines.
Zines.
Oh, that's really cool.
That art, it's...
Yeah, you know, I used to be,
like, really good at that too.
Like, uh,
I had scholarships lined up
and everything for art.
I want to see that sometime.
Yeah, well, I burned them all.
- Okay, well,
do you recognize anybody?
That's you.
Oh, my God,
that's you on the left.
Yep.
We were loud and proud.
Hey, they're here.
Okay, I'll be right down!
- I'm gonna go
start up the grill!
You do that, honey.
Thanks, Dad.
Here you go.
Think fast.
Oh, and in case you're
wondering, I like mine toasted.
Oh, shit, I almost forgot.
You know what?
I think
something's wrong with her.
No, really.
Are you guys okay?
Oh, fuck off, Julie.
You fuck off.
- Kiddies.
- Such language.
Come on, guys.
Deviled eggs.
Do you even like deviled eggs?
- His family can just be
so annoying and 1950s.
I felt like taking it
to the next level...
you know, whipping up
some deviled eggs.
Clearly, yeah, deviled eggs.
Did they eat them, at least?
Yeah, it was good.
It's a baby.
Excuse us.
We must look like freaks.
- Not me.
You with the hair.
- Well, did you know about him
and his family or whatever
before you got married?
- I didn't think they would be
so involved in our lives.
And I didn't think we'd be
moving here.
That's for sure.
What about your parents?
Oh, well, my dad's dead.
Sorry.
What about your mom?
We don't speak.
She hasn't met Jackson?
Not yet.
She lives in upstate New York,
and she's very busy
whoring herself
around the senior circuit, so...
Oh, man, count me in.
- I thought I hated my parents,
but, I mean...
- Can we talk about
anything else?
I really like your hair.
I mean, I think
it's fucking sexy.
You do?
You should have seen the looks
on their faces when I came out
and I was just like "ta-da"
with the pl...
I don't know.
That's funny.
You're not your mom, though,
you know. I mean...
What?
- I just mean
you're gonna figure it out.
It's not gonna be like that
for you and Jack, you know.
Little Jack-o.
- Thank you for helping me
with him and... and everything.
- Shut the fuck up.
Come on.
Did you just mimic me?
- Yeah.
Hold on.
Upsy-daisy.
#A to, to, to #
#A to, to, to #
#A to, to, to, to, to, dah #
- Yoo-hoo!
In here!
- Hey, I didn't expect to see
you guys again so soon.
- Well, Josh told us that he'd
be working late a lot,
and he asked us
to check up on you.
Oh, good.
Neat-o.
- Mom and I have been talking
about you.
Is this an intervention?
Of course not.
You make it sound like
you're an addict or something.
- You're not.
Are you?
No!
No.
- No, you're just
sleep-deprived,
overworked, and exhausted.
- So we thought
that we could help out
with meals and babysitting.
Hi.
- We wanted you to have a chance
to get out and clear your mind
and get recharged
and come back
ready to love the little pooper.
I do love my little pooper.
Of course you do.
And I've got the number
of a really good therapist
for this sort of thing.
- Wow, you haven't even found
a sperm donor
and you've already located
a postpartum counselor for me?
- See?
That is exactly what I mean.
The moodiness,
the irrational outbursts.
That was a joke, Julie.
That's not even an outburst.
I think you need help.
- We'd like to come by
every afternoon.
Would that be all right?
Do I have a choice?
- Why don't you go out and do
something nice for yourself?
Like maybe see a therapist.
- I want to work
with the handicapped.
Oh.
Wow, that...
that is a good idea.
Yeah, working with
the less fortunate.
- I was thinking of something
a little more fun,
like a night out,
girls' night out or something.
With you guys?
- Of course not.
With your friends.
Just take some time out,
have a couple of drinks.
- Gosh, I haven't talked
to the girls in so long.
- Not that we want to encourage
drinking to excess, of course.
Of course.
I don't even like drinking.
- Oh, my God!
Hello!
- Hey!
- Oh, my God!
Hey, ladies.
Look at you.
Your hair!
Good to see you.
- Come here. Come here.
Come here. Come here.
When you said you were moving
to the 'burbs,
you weren't kidding.
- I know.
Nice to see you too.
Oh, pictures?
Oh.
I want to see.
- You're gonna die.
He's so beautiful.
Women-Oh!
- Oh, my God.
- So cute!
- Doesn't he look like Josh?
- Totally.
- And this one, there's
a little bit of a smile.
- And look at its teeny...
look at its teeny little feet.
- I know!
- Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, Kelly,
you've got to see the pictures
of Nikki's new puppy.
Show her.
- Okay.
We got a Weimaraner.
They're really high-strung dogs
but, like, intelligent,
super intelligent.
Like human intelligent
but really needy.
It's exhausting but rewarding.
You know what I mean.
Look.
Look at that.
I mean, look at
the beautiful face on that dog.
- Wow, that's...
that's a dog.
I know, right?
It's like your whole life
changes, right?
Like, all of a sudden,
your whole world
revolves around them.
- Oh, sweetie,
I'm so proud of you, sweetie.
To the mommies!
- To the mommies.
- To the mommies.
So nice to see you, Kel.
- How many, um, calories
are in...
- Hola.
Nacho lady con cervezas.
Hey.
You enjoying the view?
No, not really.
Who's the uptight bitch?
- That would be
my sister-in-law, Julie.
- She's a little bit
overdressed.
Wow.
Wh...
I brought you nachos
and cervezas.
Muy bueno.
To what do I owe this unexpected
nocturnal pleasure?
You reading poetry?
Hey.
#Your moist towelette #
- Nice music.
- Yeah.
Well, I know the bassist.
She's a total fox.
So what are you... doing here
and all dressed up?
Not that I'm unhappy to see you,
but shouldn't you be at home
with your husband and kid?
- I was ordered
to go out and have a good time,
so I had a girls' night out.
- So shouldn't you be out
with your posse
at fucking Tommy's Irish Tavern
or something?
Yep.
Wow.
I realized we don't have
anything in common anymore.
People are cowards.
Nobody ever just comes out
and says,
"Dude, your life
totally freaks me out. "
They just vanish.
- Jesus.
Sorry.
I mean, that's basically
the same thing that happened
to me.
Just... I got out of rehab,
and they threw
this big party for me and,
and then... and then, you know,
they all disappeared.
I haven't seen them since.
Bailey said, uh,
it was too intense for her.
She was fucking some other dude
four weeks to the day
after the accident.
What a bitch.
Yeah.
Yeah, I mean,
this was basically her fault.
What do you mean?
- She was always making me
jump through hoops
and do crazy shit for her,
like stealing these signs.
You know,
I was supposed to prove
how I felt about her
or something.
Anyways, I was performing
what turned out to be
the last of my grand gestures
when I had the accident.
I climbed to the top
of this water tower...
you know, the one on the hill
by the overpass?
Mm-hmm.
- And I was gonna put
her name on it
but, I mean, not just her name...
like, this whole mural with,
like, undergrowth and plants
and leaves and flowers.
It was so cool up there, man.
And, uh... and it was a statement
about Bailey as this life-force,
like the electrical energy
of wild growing things.
That's beautiful.
Yeah.
Well, that's how
she made me feel.
And, uh, I'm 50 feet
above the ground,
spray-painting her name,
and I never finished.
I got to the word "bail,"
which is basically what she did
when she figured out
the fucking physical therapy
wasn't gonna take.
To absent friends.
Fuck 'em.
Fuck 'em.
But I still have to go to school
with her.
Jesus.
Oh!
I can't wait till this
graduation shit is over!
Oh, God,
you must have all that
senior bullshit coming up,
like with the pajama breakfast
and amusement park day and...
The prom! What a farce.
God, prom.
There's no way
I'm attending now.
Who's Bailey going with?
My former best friend, Zack.
I'm sure they'll take lovely
commemorative photos,
post them on Facebook.
I remember my prom.
I got dumped by my boyfriend
two weeks before,
and, um, he started seeing
this girl
who would wear black nail polish
after I did.
Then she'd show up in the same
Vans after I wore them.
And he basically was falling for
this little slutty counterfeit.
It was... whatever.
And then I... you know,
I didn't want to stay home
and feel like a loser,
so I asked somebody out,
and it was this guy named Gordy.
- Gordy?
- Yes, Groovy Gordy.
Groovy Gordy was the
weed connection on our campus,
so I thought I was sort of
one-upping my boyfriend,
but it turns out
Groovy Gordy was really
a D&D playing,
fantasy novel-reading loner
who spent lots of time
in his head,
so we end up at his house
watching this... this thing
called Zardoz
while he's just fumbly trying
to unhook my bra,
and it was just...
Wait, wait, what is Zardoz?
Oh, you don't want to know.
It was just... the whole thing
was a total debacle,
and, you know,
as far as prom goes,
there are worse things
than opting out entirely.
Hmm.
I like that, opting out.
Well, it's getting late for me.
Okay.
It was nice hanging.
I guess I'll see you
when I see you.
Okay.
Thanks for the nachos,
nacho lady.
Hey.
Hi.
Good night out?
Yeah, it was... nice.
- Well, I was hoping they'd
get you a little liquored up
so I could take advantage
of you.
That's sweet.
Were you busy lighting candles?
Yeah, I just, um...
well, I wanted to try
and make you feel sexy again.
Really?
Come here.
Hi.
Hi.
Oh.
You know...
if you're still too sore
down there,
we can do it up the butt.
Whatever makes you feel sexy.
- So, you know,
if you're going to pretend
to be all sensitive
and emotional and shit,
you might want to lay off
the anal sex requests.
Unless you just do jing jang
'cause you can't admit
you saw it in a video
with a Ukrainian girl.
Oh, sorry.
I shouldn't say all that stuff
about your dad,
'cause I love your daddy,
and he loves your mommy.
Ooh, oh, oh.
Okay.
It's all good.
Oh, crap.
Oh, yay, it's Meemaw.
This is one of my favorites.
Oh, I just love that outfit.
- Thank you.
Yeah, I got this...
I love this outfit.
- Mine?
- Yes, you look so fanta...
- Hey, Bev.
- Oh, hey.
I've got a surprise for you.
A surprise?
Kelly, come meet Mitzi.
She does makeovers.
Actually, I like to say
I offer
head-to-toe transformation.
- Oh.
Hi.
- Okay, come on
and sit down right over here.
It'll be fun!
- So I understand
you've been feeling
a little down and dumpy
and housewifey.
Let's start with that hair.
Home job, I take it?
Yeah, but it's Manic Panic.
It's just...
- Oh, Lord,
like that old Bangles song,
Just Another Mangled Monday?
I hear you.
Anyway, I think
it can be salvaged.
- And we also brought along
some outfits for you to try on.
And a little pixie dust
to bring out the natural beauty
in you.
So...
shall we get started?
Yes.
Okay.
I like transforming.
Check me out.
Eat your heart out.
What happened to you?
- It's a depressed mommy
makeover.
Was that Julie's idea?
- Actually, it was Bev's,
because, really,
what psychological problem/
existential crisis
can't be fixed
with a good makeover?
Well, you're creeping me out.
You look like my mom.
Is that such a bad thing?
- Yes.
Yes, it is a bad thing.
No, think about it.
I could sign
your permission slips.
I could get you out of
those pesky sessions
with the school counselor
that you love.
I could just bail you
out of class whenever.
- For the love of God
and all that is holy,
please change that shirt.
Hmm.
- You gotta lose
those barrettes too.
Yes, sir.
- You know, uh, it's a shame
about that turquoise.
It was really growing on me.
- I know.
Me too.
But you can't solve the blues
with blue hair, you know?
God, did Bev say that?
- No, actually,
the transformation lady said it.
That's awesome.
So how was your day at school?
School was swell.
Uh, let me see.
I passed my chem exam.
We watched a very enlightening
video about STDs.
Um, tried to ignore
Zack and Bailey
inhaling each other's face off
in the library all day.
- Fuck 'em.
- Yeah, fuck 'em.
No plans for the evening?
- No.
- What, no candlelit dinner
with the hubby?
Oh, no, he's at work.
He's gonna be home late again.
He has a very big deadline,
very big.
- He works late a lot,
doesn't he?
- Yeah, well, he has
a really high-pressure job.
- You don't think
he's cheating on you?
No.
Yeah, it's too clich, right?
Pregnant wife,
right after the baby's born.
Listen, I have a question
for you.
Um...
do you have a... a nice dress?
- A dress?
- Yes, a nice dress.
Something nice, you know,
you wear to formal events
and that kind of thing?
- Yeah, 'cause I go
to a lot of formal events.
Ha!
Why?
- Because I want to take you
somewhere nice.
Well, that's sweet of you,
unless you're being sarcastic,
in which case it's really mean.
No, no, no, I'm not.
Where are you gonna take me?
- Can't tell you.
Surprise.
Except you have to tell me.
Otherwise, I'm not gonna go
anywhere.
Sure, you are.
Sounds like it'll require
a trip to, like, a thrift shop,
consignment, vintage,
whatever hipsters call it.
- How nice of a dress
are you talking about?
- Just something that makes you
feel pretty and fancy.
- I'm not going to your prom,
Cal.
Fuck the prom.
- So?
- So buy a dress.
Something young and sexy
and not mommyish,
not that mommies aren't sexy
sometimes.
No, you don't understand.
I'm not going to your prom.
Just buy the damn dress, okay?
It's for Special Teens award.
- Special Teens?
- Special Teens.
You've been nominated
best new mentor.
I was gonna give you
Mentor of the Year,
but, you know,
it seemed like overkill.
Oh, you're special, all right.
Just buy the damn dress, okay?
Okay.
Hello.
- Hi.
It's me.
Hey, is everything all right?
Yeah.
I was just calling to say hi.
Oh, hi, you.
Hi.
The baby sleeping okay?
- Yeah, he fought it
for a little bit,
but now he's down.
Good, good.
- So you gonna be there late
again tonight?
Yeah, unfortunately.
Definitely don't wait up.
You should get some sleep
while you can.
Okay.
Bye.
We made pie!
- We thought
the kids might like it.
What kids?
The Special Teens, you know?
Oh, I'm not doing that today.
- Why not?
Aren't you feeling okay?
You look okay to me.
- No, I'm-I'm not feeling
up to it.
That was fast.
What?
- The novelty wear off?
- No.
- Do you think that they feel
like being in a wheelchair
or having a seeing eye dog
or service monkey
or whatever their
unfortunate circumstances are?
They don't get a choice.
- She's not saying
she'll never go again.
She just needs a day off.
Right, that's...
- You know, we don't want to let
a good pie go to waste.
Right, Kelly?
- Yeah.
Okay, I'll get us plates.
Make it a chocolate cream pie!
Twist my arm!
- Everybody always makes it
sound like it's our fault,
like we're these terrible,
career-obsessed women
too selfish to stop
and have kids
until it's too late.
What about the man-children
in their late 30s
blowing huge chunks
of their life
playing Grand Theft Auto?
Why don't they analyze
that trend?
- You should go out
with an older man.
They have a much longer
shelf life than we do.
Don't be disgusting.
No, I think Bev has a point.
Who's that old guy?
Tony Randall?
He's still pumping out kids.
He's dead, Kelly.
- You know, it takes men
a lot longer to grow up
than we do.
That's a fact.
- Why?
Because we let them.
- Because growing up
is actually really painful,
and women have a stronger
threshold for pain,
supposedly.
- We can't all be
adolescent narcissists.
Where are you going?
To put on some coffee.
And so I don't have to listen
to you.
Nasty.
- It's so easy
for you to be smug,
isn't it?
You have everything I want.
You should be so happy, Kelly.
What is wrong with you?
I don't know.
Oh, hey.
- Hey, lady.
You need a ride?
Hop in.
Okay.
Nice wheels.
I wanted a Firebird,
but, uh, this is much
more expensive and safer.
My parents have no fucking sense
of irony.
Oh, you got it this time.
- What?
- Nothing.
Cal.
- What?
- Cal!
You jackass!
It's a Volvo.
It's completely safe, remember?
Wow, there's, like, no one here.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah,
we timed it perfectly.
Too late for the lunch rush,
too early for the early birds,
way too early
for the night owls.
Okay, so what's good here?
Well, um, actually,
can we just have two orders
of French fries with gravy;
two cherry Cokes, extra syrup;
and $5 in quarters,
same as always?
- I guess
that's what I'll be having.
She used to be my babysitter.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- She didn't even look you
in the eye.
- Yeah, I know.
Nobody does.
Except for you.
- Okay, so what's
with the quarters?
- This goes all the way back
to the '80s.
That's when you were
in high school, right?
Shut up.
Oh, my God,
I remember all these songs.
Huh!
Did you get the dress?
A dress?
You know, the dress?
- No, I don't know.
What are you... what...
- Come on; you know exactly
what I'm talking about.
Don't do this.
- Yes, I got a dress.
- Okay.
- A really kick-ass one,
actually.
What's it look like?
I'm not telling you.
That'll be my surprise.
Nice.
#All through the night #
#I'll be awake #
#And I'll be with you #
Hello.
Hey.
Wow, that smells good.
- You're home. Early.
- Mm-hmm.
Mom said she made lasagna,
and I wasn't gonna miss that.
- Oh, of course she said
something about that.
Sweet.
So I'll just go change,
and I'll be right back down.
Mom's lasagna.
Mmm.
Has it been helpful
having her and Julie around?
Yeah.
- Oh, how'd you get
on that whole, um,
helping the handicapped thing?
Oh, I don't know.
I think
I just felt bad about, um,
yelling at the kid
in the wheelchair.
I'll see.
- Hi.
- Hey.
Mrs. Cooper, is she in?
Oh, honey?
Um...
Hi... Mrs. Cooper.
Hi... Calvin.
Oh, you didn't...
you didn't forget, did you?
- Oh, my goodness.
I did forget.
Special Teen awards.
Miss Cooper is probably
too modest to tell you,
but she's been nominated
for best new mentor.
Wow.
That's tonight?
You can't win if you don't go.
- Okay, I'll... I'm...
I'll go get ready.
Come on in.
- Hey, thanks.
- Sure.
- I was coming home late
from school one night.
We were been working hard
on our model UN debate.
My team was arguing
in favor of microloans
for physically abused
Pakistani women
to start their own
candle-making co-op.
We left high-fiving each other,
walking on air,
sure that we would win.
Mm.
But I never made that debate.
A drunk driver
plowed across the divider
and changed my life forever.
Shit.
You know what, though?
Thanks to the hard work
of my team,
that co-op has helped
over 300 women
change their lives forever.
Oh, yeah?
One candle at a time.
Oh, cool.
Thanks, man.
That's awesome.
Thanks.
Cinnamon-y.
- That's the smell of hope,
my friend.
Okay, ready.
- Golly, Miss... Miss Cooper,
you look nice.
Thanks, Calvin.
Are you wearing combat boots?
Mm-hmm, yeah.
Okay, let's just go.
All right, you guys, have fun.
Don't, uh...
don't keep her out late.
I'll get that.
- Thank you.
- All righty, then.
- See you soon.
- See you guys.
- Geez,
your husband's such a douche.
No, he isn't.
And what was that in there?
Thanks for the warning,
by the way.
- The whole thing's
supposed to be a surprise.
Will you please just...
- Oh, sorry.
- Don't push me.
I hate that shit.
I know.
- You look retrotastic,
by the way.
- Thank you.
You look very... suave.
Thank you.
Where are we going?
What's that?
More surprises.
Get in.
Watch your feet.
Whoo!
Holy shit.
Get back in.
Are you kidding me?
- Does it look like
I'm kidding you?
Here, here, here, here.
Do it.
Do it.
Whoo!
- Here, here, here.
Take it.
Oh, jeez.
- Wait, wait,
run, run, run, run.
Come on.
Whee!
Sorry I don't have any pot.
That's okay.
I don't smoke that anymore.
- Why, because of
your awesome prom date,
Groovy Gordy?
Groovy Gordy.
Oh, fuck you.
Mm.
I got this.
Do it.
Nailed it!
- I had no idea
that you were a jock.
Can we still be friends?
- Okay.
I'll think about it.
- I'll just put you
in a headlock
and, like, not invite you
to parties and stuff.
What is with the candles, Cal?
Please don't tell me you're
planning an animal sacrifice.
Oh, no, no.
No, this is an exorcism.
Of what?
- We are exorcising
your shitty prom past
and my shitty no-prom present.
Yes.
How are we gonna do it?
Well, since you asked...
What?
Oh, no!
How did you know?
It was an educated guess and...
okay, I used the internet.
#What you mean to me #
Well, Mrs. Cooper?
Don't call me that.
Mrs. Cooper?
I can't d... I'm not dancing.
- You can't?
Bullshit, you can't dance.
Are you in a wheelchair?
Oh, don't give me that crap.
I can dance.
Check out these moves.
#It's not worth trying for #
That's pretty slick.
Then you can dance, okay?
So get your ass
out on the floor.
I can't; I'm too drunk.
- Then you're perfectly
primed up. Come on.
Okay.
#I do it for you #
Here she goes.
#Look into your heart #
#You will find #
#There's nothing there
to hide #
Don't!
#Take me as I am #
#Take my life #
- Hold on tight.
- Stop!
I'm not... no, I can't, really.
I'm not...
Oh, no.
Oh, my God, I am so sorry.
Oh, my God.
Let's do it again.
- You want to do it again?
- Yes.
All right, hop on.
I love this song.
I know.
You pay attention, huh?
Mm-hmm.
So are we dancing?
Yeah.
Am I doing okay?
- Yeah.
You're doing great.
You just got to hold on.
- #All through the night
today #
#Knowing that we feel the same
without saying #
#We have no past #
#We won't reach back #
#Keep me with me forward #
#All through the night #
#And once we start,
the meter clicks #
#And it goes running
all through the night #
#Until it ends #
#There is no end #
- Cal.
- What?
Oh, my God, Cal.
It's the cops!
Oh, shit.
Are you kidding me?
- Just grab the bag.
Grab the bag!
What do you got?
We got everything?
This can't be happening.
- We gotta go.
We gotta go.
#All alone #
#In the cold, hard ground #
#I'll be leaving soon #
#Far away #
#But still near #
Um...
Thanks for...
planning all this
and surprising me.
- No problem.
I-I'm glad you came.
I had a really nice time.
Well, good night.
Good night.
Hey.
Hi.
How was the awards thing?
It was, uh, nice.
- Mm.
Did you win?
Um, no.
No?
Well, you are best new mentor
in my book.
- #The monkey knows
how you'll react #
#Creating want
by holding back #
#Like some reverse pyromaniac #
#Let me try, baby, try #
#I propped my window up
and then #
#I turned my back
to lure you in #
#To rifle through
what I might have been #
#Let me try, baby, try #
- I hope you like
lemon meringue.
Bev's been busy.
Oh, hello.
You... you must be Kelly.
Oh, yes, I am.
- Well, Cal has told me
so much about you.
He has?
- You've been
a real lifeline for him.
Thank God for Special Teens.
He absolutely refused to see
a traditional therapist.
Yeah, that sounds like Cal.
Yes.
I want to assure you
that I-I-I understand
the-the-the privacy
of your process,
but he has been off
his antidepressants
for... for two months now,
and he seems fine,
but I-I can't help but worry.
So if you ever hear any language
or see any behavior
that could be troubling,
you will let me know?
Of course.
- Mom.
- Hi, Cal.
What are you doing in here?
- I'm just doing
a little cleaning.
You mean snooping?
- I was not snooping.
Come on.
Well, do you mind?
It's a private session.
Calvin, consider me gone.
So...
Yeah, I missed you yesterday.
I was with my in-laws.
- I thought maybe
you were avoiding me.
No.
I brought pie.
I love pie.
Yeah, I thought so.
Let's go to the park.
It's so stuffy in here.
Well, what about the pie?
We'll bring it, have a picnic.
I got to hand it to Bev.
That is the best pie
I've ever had.
You have a little bit of
meringue over there.
Thank you.
Smoke?
I have to quit.
Josh can smell it in my hair.
- When's the last time
Josh smelled your hair?
- And you shouldn't be smoking
either.
- Why?
I'm not fucking pregnant.
- Well, I'm not gonna
lecture you.
- Good, 'cause life's
too fucking short.
It is short.
It's short and precious.
Don't squander it.
- Wow.
That's, like, beautiful, man.
You're still young, Cal.
- Yes, I've got so many years
ahead of me
to obsess about
what my life could have been.
- You can't just let that chair
be the only thing
that defines you.
You just really don't know
what the fuck
you're talking about,
so you should probably
just shut up right now, okay?
- You can't just define yourself
by the things you've lost.
Give me something else.
Hey.
What are you doing down here?
- Believe me,
I can hear him down here.
Okay.
Wow, look how young we were.
- I'm trying to figure out
what to do about...
Cal.
Who?
Oh, the kid in the wheelchair?
- Yeah.
Him.
- Haven't you done enough
already?
You were so hot,
that bass
slung over your shoulder
and your bra strap
all hanging out.
- He used to be an artist,
like you.
"Used to be. "
He used to draw, like you.
- Yeah, well, will he become
a corporate sell-out
like me too?
No, he had a spinal injury
and lost
all his fine motor function.
He can't draw?
Okay, that sucks.
Yeah.
Yeah, it does.
So what did you think?
Maybe some shitty pottery
might cheer him up?
Fuck you.
Kelly.
Kelly, I was just kidding.
Jesus Christ, come on!
What is that, a cadaver?
It's your something else.
It stinks.
I want you to take this clay
and just put it in your hands.
First lesson, the coil pot.
You take a piece of clay
like this.
You can squeeze it
and make a snakelike formation,
and then you...
just wrap it
or coil it around itself.
It's really simple.
No fine motor skills
are required,
and you can make yourself
a great ashtray.
Thought you were quitting.
- Yeah, I am,
but you don't have to.
Don't watch.
Okay.
- Where did you learn
this profoundly useful skill?
- "Expressions
in Three Dimensions. "
It was my elective.
Awesome.
It's where I met Josh.
You met Josh in art class?
- Yep.
He was an art major.
He was an art major?
Why are you acting so shocked?
I mean, have you seen the guy?
He's like the poster boy
for fucking
Abercrombie & Douche.
No, he isn't.
And he has to dress like that
for work.
He's in advertising.
Oh, that makes sense.
- You know, everybody makes
compromises, Cal.
We all have to make sacrifices
in life,
and sometimes even when you do
all of that
and you play by the rules,
things still don't turn out
like you expected them to.
I'm done.
Can I look?
Mm-hmm.
It's not quite to scale;
I'm a little bit bigger.
Asshole.
- I'm an asshole?
- Yeah.
You're the one who turned into
Mother fucking Teresa overnight.
I'm just doing my best.
I'm-I'm just trying.
What are you trying to do?
Help me adjust to my new life?
Help me contribute to society?
I thought you were
my fucking friend!
I am.
- Then quit jerking me around
with this art therapy shit.
I don't need your fucking pity,
okay?
And a fucking ashtray
isn't gonna make my life
worth living!
So if you need
some short little project
to make your life worth living,
why don't you go to the gym
and rehabilitate
your draggy, fucking used up,
old, nasty ass?
Then maybe your husband
would fuck you!
Hello?
Oh, my God.
Hello?
What are you doing?
- Hi.
I was just gonna take a bath.
- Wait.
- What?
What's this?
It's an apology for...
everything.
See, I want you to know
that I haven't forgotten...
haven't forgotten who you are,
why I fell in love with you.
What's wrong?
You don't like it?
No, it's beautiful.
Kelly.
Kel.
Are you okay?
Look, Kelly,
I want to make you happy,
but I-I don't know what to do.
You know, I'm new to this too.
I'm trying.
Well, I'm going to bed.
Hey.
Hey.
I know.
Yeah, I know.
Shh.
Shh.
Shh.
Thanks, Bev.
- Oh, you're welcome.
Anything interesting?
- This.
Fancy.
Mrs. Kelly Cooper.
Let me see.
Special Teen Initiative.
- Is that from the young man
you were mentoring?
I think so.
What's it say?
It says, "You are invited
to a special exhibition
this Saturday. "
Well, well, well,
look who came back
for another pottery lesson.
I can't see you anymore.
What?
Um, this thing
that we have between us,
it was wrong,
and it was my fault,
and I shouldn't have, uh,
let it go as far as it did.
And I thought
we were being friends.
That's what I told myself.
But I... we have to just...
You're serious.
- I have a husband,
and I have a baby,
and I'm, like, twice your age.
I'm supposed to be a grownup.
I shouldn't have never... ever
let it get as far as it did.
- What's that?
I can't hear you.
Speak up!
I'm sorry!
I'm sorry!
- Don't!
- Hey.
- Hi.
- How are you?
How's everybody?
How are you?
- So you gonna go
to that art show thing?
Hmm?
That Special Teen thing?
- I don't know.
Maybe.
So he's still doing art, huh?
I mean, 'cause of you?
Yeah.
- Well, guess I was wrong
about that shitty pottery.
Kidding.
No, um,
actually,
I think it's pretty cool.
You, uh, really
made a difference in his life.
Thanks.
Do you like it?
Where have you been?
Here and there.
I had to get ready
for this show, find a kiln,
get it all fired up.
What is that doing here
with my name on it?
- Hopefully winning
the grand jury prize
in the art show for retards.
You might want to unhand me,
by the way.
You're basically assaulting
a handicapped teenager
in public right now.
That was a private moment.
That's better.
Now it just seems like
we're having a lovers' spat.
Stop pushing me, all right?
That was between us.
There is no us.
I think you made that
very clear.
- That moment, I did
'cause I was worried about you
and I didn't want you
slipping away and opting out.
And I wanted you to stop
feeling sorry for yourself
and start living.
- Wrong, you felt sorry
for yourself,
and you were jerking me around
so you could get more
fucking attention.
- That's not true.
- Come on!
Just come out and say it,
all right?
You're a big fucking cock tease!
- What are you doing?
- Cal!
I'm so sorry.
I-I have no idea
what would make him say
something like that.
- Where do you think I got
the idea
to sculpt a naked woman, Mother?
It wasn't from Rodin.
- Calvin, let's just calm down,
okay,
and think about what's
gonna come out of our mouths
before we talk.
- With her parading around
with her tits out,
begging me to look,
and her kissing me?
Give me a fucking lap dance
and then pretending
like it meant nothing.
Why do you think
that I called it Kelly?
Tell her.
- That's...
- Come on.
- That's enough.
- Tell her.
- Tell me what?
It wasn't like that.
It wasn't like that.
It wasn't like that.
It wasn't like that.
You should go.
Josh, wait!
Wait!
It's not what it looks like!
- Really?
Really?
Then what is it, Kel?
Because, you know,
this should not be confusing.
It's stupid.
It's a puppy love crush.
- He made a life-sized
nude sculpture of you,
a pretty accurate one too,
and publicly displayed it.
I mean, Christ.
But it's nothing.
It's nothing, I swear.
I just needed someone
to talk to.
- Right, right, so naturally
you thought a teenaged boy
would be the perfect person
to pour your heart out to,
right?
Because, well, I mean,
hell, they're legendary
for being sensitive
and insightful.
I mean, are you serious?
Maybe it didn't occur to me
that anybody could ever look
at me like that anymore!
Kelly, he's a child.
What have you done?
- I don't know,
and I was just lonely,
and you were...
Oh, my God.
- And you were gone
all the time!
- Yeah, I was gone!
I was at work!
I was at work!
- Probably with your secretary!
- Oh, my God,
are you fucking serious?
Are you really gonna try
and turn this around on me?
Really?
I was working my ass off, Kelly,
for you, for Jackson, for us.
- Where are you going?
- My parents'.
- What about Jackson?
- Now you ask.
- Josh,
will you just talk to me?
- The baby's with Josh.
He's fine.
I just, uh, stopped by
to gather a few things.
Josh wants to crash on our couch
for a while
if we're okay with it,
and we are.
A baby changes marriage
in ways no one can imagine.
If there's a crack before,
it tends to widen.
He loves you,
but you can only
push someone away so often.
Give it time.
Okay?
Yeah.
Josh.
Kelly, this is Cal's mother.
Oh, hi, hello.
Is Cal there?
- No, I haven't seen him
since the gallery.
Is everything okay?
Hello?
Cal!
Cal!
You got everybody worried
about you.
I'm worried about you.
What are you doing?
I'm not talking to you.
- You broke
into a public building.
Don't you think
you're going to get caught?
- I have a mask.
They can't ID me.
And gloves, no fingerprints.
- How many wheelchair bandits
do you think are out there, huh?
Come on.
What's your plan?
Cal, what are you gonna do?
Come on.
Cal!
Cal.
Come on.
Come on.
Talk to me.
How many times do you think
that one person can have
their heart broken in a year
and survive?
Every time that you put someone
up on a pedestal,
they just show you how
they don't deserve to be there.
I mean, I tried
to lift Bailey up.
I tried to climb too high,
and I...
fell.
And then I did it with you,
my blue lady.
Cal...
- I realize now that I should
have never talked to you.
I mean, I had
unrealistic expectations.
I should have never broken down
my wall of illusion.
You paint a picture of someone
that you want to see,
and the reality
never measures up.
I took my blue lady
off her pedestal.
- Okay, I hear
what you're saying, all right?
And I completely understand you.
But, you know,
why don't we go get some coffee
and we'll continue
this conversation?
We can go to the diner
or something.
Oh, shit.
See, now we're both broken.
Come on.
Graduation's next week.
Yeah?
Are you gonna go?
Yeah, I don't know.
Apparently, they're trying
to get me
some kind of, like,
a scholarship
for winning the art show.
- Who?
Special Teens?
- Special Teens, yeah.
- No shit?
Does it still count if you
obliterated the winning entry?
- Mm-hmm.
I took pictures.
Why do you do that, Cal?
Destroy everything
that you make?
I don't know.
I was thinking
that maybe I'm a Buddhist
and I'm highlighting
the impermanence of things,
you know?
Yeah, I'm sure that's it.
- Could be like a Hindu,
you know,
reminding everyone
the other half of creation
is destruction.
Brahma and Shiva.
- Yep, that's exactly
what I thought.
- Or maybe
I need to chill the fuck out.
I mean, I don't know.
Maybe they can teach me that
at art school,
like, preferably with the use
of recreational drugage.
Hugs, not drugs.
- Right,
'cause life is precious,
short and precious.
Yeah.
What's gonna happen with, uh...
with Josh?
I don't know.
Am I ever gonna see you again?
I-I don't know.
I love you.
You know that, right?
I know.
You'll get over it.
I promise.
Hello, Kelly.
Hi, Bev.
Is Josh here?
Come on in.
Thank you.
Wake up, Josh.
What are you doing here?
I came to apologize.
Outside.
Is he sleeping?
Yeah.
Oh, good.
So...
Um, I've been thinking...
A lot about you and me.
I'm really sorry
for the way I treated you.
I'm sorry
for the way I've been acting.
I understand
if you don't want to talk.
It's just lately I felt like
I totally lost who I was
before Jackson
and that I'd lost you,
and... and I really needed you.
I can't do it by myself.
And I don't want to.
Me neither.
I screwed up so bad.
- Stop.
Let me just say something.
I love you.
I've always loved you.
I knew you needed me.
I just... I didn't know how.
I guess we need to try harder,
both of us.
I'd like that.
- #I look right
through the storm #
#I look back
'cause it keeps me warm #
#And all you learn is
you'll regret #
#All you want, you never get #
#You change #
#I want to tell you
how I feel #
#When I'm not there #
#I needed something
to believe #
#Something we both share #
#In a secret hiding place #
#You'll always find me there #
#And you change #
#Oh, you change #
#So #
#And you change #
#Oh, you change #
#And you change #