Kiss Me, Stupid (1964) Movie Script

'S wonderful
'S marvelous
You should care
For me
'S awful nice
'S paradise
'S what I love
To see
You make
My life so glamorous
You can't blame me
for feeling amorous
Now, is this
a bit of terrific, hmm?
Last night, she was banging
on my door for 45 minutes...
but I wouldn't let her out.
'S wonderful
'S marvelous
That you should care for me
Don't worry. I'll get the mail.
I'll get it.
Uh-oh. Speaking of my mo...
I have an amazing mother.
You know, she's 85 years old,
and she don't need glasses.
She drinks
right out of the bottle.
She don't even
open them anymore.
She goes
right through the label.
Oh, and drinking?
My doctor said,
"Stop drinking"...
so I'm not gonna drink anymore.
I'm gonna freeze it now
and eat it like a Popsicle.
'S wonderful
'S marvelous
You should care
For me
2, 3, 4.
'S awful nice
'S paradise
'S what I love
To see
I guess you all know
this is my last night here.
Tomorrow morning
I'm going to Hollywood...
and make a new picture...
me, Frank Sinatra,
Sammy Davis Jr...
and Joey Bishop...
called "Little Women."
But before that,
I'm gonna do a TV special...
with Mr. Bing Crosby.
Now, why Bing works so hard,
I'll never know.
He's got $21 million...
on him.
My dear
It's four-leaf clover time
From now on,
my heart's working overtime
I don't care
who you are, fat man.
You get them reindeers
off my roof.
'S wonderful
'S marvelous
That you should care
For me
Good night! Good night!
See you next year!
Great, Dino. Only great.
They were rolling in the aisles.
Why didn't somebody
take their dice away?
Am I going to see you
before you leave?
Just one last nightcap?
You got it.
I'll be in my room.
Keep your hat on.
What's her name? Mitzi?
No, no. Sylvia.
This one is Mitzi.
Are we going to
get together tonight?
Just one for the road, huh?
It's a must.
My room later, OK?
This is beginning to look
like Custer's last stand.
Like what?
Because it isn't
just Sylvia and Mitzi.
There are all those
other Indians.
You've got Janet
in the dressing room...
Juicy Lucy up in your suite...
and those German twins...
waiting for you
in the steam room.
That's the whole idea.
Now that I got everybody
stashed away, I can beat it.
So you pack my stuff
and put it in the car.
You're going to leave
just like that,
without saying good-bye?
Damn right, because
if I start saying good-bye...
to all these dames,
you'll have to carry me
out of here...
what's left of me...
in a cigar box...
What's the matter?
That Sinatra kid missing again?
We had a bad pileup
down the highway.
You'll have to take the detour.
Where does that lead to?
You come out at Barstow,
by way of Warm Springs...
Paradise Valley, and Climax.
That's the only way to go.
Fill 'er up?
Yeah. No, no. Over here.
Anything else?
No, thanks.
Hey! You forgot
your green stamps!
Hi, Barney!
Deedle, deedle, deedle
Deedle, deedle, deedle
Deedle, deedle, d...
No, no, Mulligan.
You've got an extra
deedle in there.
It's six deedles, not seven.
Let's not monkey around
with Beethoven, shall we?
Once more.
Yes, dear?
What's the matter?
Please, dear, not now.
Mulligan, not only
do you have a tin ear...
you have lead fingers.
Whoever told you
to take up the piano?
You did, sir.
Well, I need the money,
but what's your excuse?
It says here
molto espressione...
which means with much
with feeling, with heart.
From the top again.
Just a minute, you.
Oh, hi there, Mr. Spooner.
Don't you "hi there" me.
I know your type,
sneaking around to back doors.
All right, let's have it.
Have what?
That note my wife left you.
You must think I'm blind
or stupid or something.
Oh, yeah, the... sure.
The note.
She wanted, uh, two quarts
of milk and a dozen eggs.
A likely story.
"Two quarts of milk.
One dozen eggs."
What's it all about?
I'll tell you
what it's all about.
It's about, um...
And she forgot
to order buttermilk.
She always forgets.
She doesn't like buttermilk,
but I like buttermilk.
There's nothing
like buttermilk...
especially if you
have a lazy colon.
Excuse me.
No, no, no, Mulligan.
Now you're leaving out
a deedle.
There are six deedles, not five.
Yes, lambchop?
Zip me up, will you, please?
Going somewhere?
Yes, and I'm late.
I don't want
to keep him waiting.
Of course not. Him? Whom?
The dentist.
Oh. You got a toothache?
No. Time to have
my teeth cleaned.
You just had them cleaned.
I have to go in
every three months.
Dr. Sheldrake says I have
very tender gums.
Oh, he does, does he?
Bye, darling.
Where did you get those flowers?
They're from Johnnie.
I picked them myself.
Isn't he sweet?
Yes, isn't he?
Well, I'm off.
See you, Johnnie.
How old are you, Mulligan?
Fourteen... going on fifteen.
Pretty big for your age,
aren't you?
That's what they tell me.
You stay away from my wife,
do you hear me?
Pussyfooting around
behind my back!
Bringing flowers
to a married woman!
Let go of me!
You ought to be horsewhipped!
And don't you ever
come back here again...
you teenage wolf!
You male Lolita!
Hey, you, Orville!
Listen to this!
I think I got it. L...
Are you ready?
I'm a poached egg.
You're a what?
I'm a poached egg.
That's it... the title
of the song.
What song?
The one you played me yesterday.
Oh, that one.
I got the whole lyric
worked out.
You want to hear it?
Not now, Barney.
I got other things on my mind.
Oh, come on. Come on.
I'm not in the mood.
It's a dilly, I'll tell you.
Give me a pickup.
I'm a poached egg
Without a piece of toast
Yorkshire pudding
Without a beef to roast
I'm a haunted house
That hasn't got a ghost
When I'm without you
I'm a mousetrap
Without a piece of cheese
I'm Vienna
Without the Viennese
I'm da Vinci
Without the Mona Lis
When I'm...
Mona Lis?
That's what makes it...
the irregularity...
that unexpected little twist.
Keep playing.
It's ridiculous.
What do you mean ridiculous?
I mean this whole
songwriting business.
What are we knocking
ourselves out for?
We must have written
fifty songs by now.
And what's happened? Nothing.
We write them. I copy them.
We send them out to
all the publishers...
and the record companies
and the singers...
Tony Bennett,
Barbra Streisand...
Nat "King" Cole,
the Four Freshmen.
And do we ever hear
from any of them?
No! They just steal
the stamps...
from the return
self-addressed envelopes.
Are we gonna
go through that again?
Irving Berlin wrote
a hundred songs...
before he hit it with
"Alexander's Ragtime Band."
And what about George Gershwin
and Richard Rodgers?
But they were professionals...
and we're amateurs buried here
in Climax, Nevada.
Where do you think
Cole Porter came from?
Peru, Indiana.
Hank Mancini?
Aliquippa, Pennsylvania.
Johnny Mercer?
Savannah, Georgia.
And he only won
four Academy Awards.
So play!
I'm Las Vegas
Without a slot machine
I'm a gypsy
Without a tambourine
I'm Napoleon
Without a Josephine
When I'm without you
Gets better
all the time, huh?
I'm a doctor
Without a single pill
I'm a lawyer
Who never drew a will
I'm a dentist
Without a tooth to fill
When I'm...
Tender gums.
That's a hell of a thing
to say to a married woman.
Oh, what are you talking about?
It's that new dentist.
I can't keep her
away from the place.
She's there right now,
in the chair.
He's tilting her
all the way back.
He's giving her laughing gas.
She's laughing.
He's laughing, too!
They're both laughing...
at me!
Relax, will you, Orville?
You'll drive yourself crazy.
Dr. Sheldrake.
Dr. Sheldrake. Dr. Sheldrake.
Did you hear the one
about the nearsighted turtle...
who fell in love with a helmet?
Then there's the one
about the nearsighted snake...
who proposed
to a piece of rope!
This is Dr. Sheldrake.
I told you. Listen to them.
I know what
you're laughing at...
you and my wife,
and I'm going to report you
to the Dental Association!
Who is this?
This is the husband...
and you're not
kidding me for a second.
I know what you're doing to her.
I'm putting an inlay
in her lower left bicuspid.
I thought so.
Let me talk to her.
Mrs. Mulligan,
your husband on the phone.
Mrs. Mulligan?
I don't want to talk
to Mrs. Mulligan.
I want to talk
to Mrs. Spooner!
Mrs. Spooner? She isn't here.
Her appointment
isn't till next Wednesday.
Next Wednesday?
Oh! I'll give her the message
when she comes home.
You were right.
I was worrying about nothing.
She isn't even there.
You nut!
I'm a bullfight
Without a matador
I'm a heckler
Who never gets the floor
The night he didn't score
Each time...
Why isn't she there?
Where is she?
Why was she lying to me?
Oh, for heaven's sakes, Orville.
It's Johnnie Mulligan,
of course.
His mother's at the dentist...
he's at home alone, and
she's with him!
Johnnie Mulligan? Come off it.
He ain't even shaving yet.
The milkman! He's shaving.
It must be some kind of code.
A dozen eggs... that's twelve.
They're meeting behind
the dairy at 12:00.
Now you're running amok.
You can't go around
suspecting everybody.
Sometimes I'm not even
so sure about you.
I'm scared, Barney.
I'll tell you, I'm scared.
I'm married to
the prettiest girl in town...
and she's gonna leave me
one of these days.
I just know it.
- She will?
- Yes, she will.
And you know why?
Because you're a nobody.
Giving piano lessons
for a buck and a quarter.
Maybe once a week you play
a wedding or a funeral.
Big deal.
Why, a beautiful girl like that,
she should be spoiled.
A touch of mink,
fun in Acapulco...
breakfast at Tiffany's!
Fat chance.
Orville, all it takes
is one hit, just one hit.
"How Much is That Doggie
in the Window?"...
three million records.
"White Christmas"...
eight million records.
You think Irving Berlin's
afraid of losing his wife?
No, I guess not.
That's why you got to keep
putting those
nickels in the slot.
Because you never know when
you're gonna hit the jackpot.
Yeah. I guess so.
Well, then, let's go.
I'm a poached egg
Without a piece of toast
Yorkshire pudding
Without a beef to roast
I'm a haunted house
That hasn't got a ghost
When I'm without you
I'm a mousetrap
Hey! Hey!
I'm Vienna
Without the Viennese
I'm da Vinci
Without the Mona Lis
When I'm without you
You know, I'm beginning
to like that Mona Lis.
What did I tell you?
Aw, hold it, mister!
I'm coming.
Stay with it, will you?
What'll it be?
A shave and a haircut.
The works, baby.
What's the matter?
You know who you are?
Sure. I'm the greatest.
I'm the prettiest.
What do you do for
cigarettes around here, huh?
- Cigarettes?
- Yeah.
Hey, Orville!
Come here quick!
You know, I've been here
for five years...
but this is the first time
that anybody...
oh, sure, back in '61...
Liberace pulled in here
with a flat tire...
but we never had anybody
that's somebody like you.
Where's the men's room?
Wait a minute.
I want you to meet
a friend of mine.
Orville, look who we got here!
It's Dino!
Oh! How do you do?
This is Orville Spooner.
He plays the piano and the organ
at the church.
Oh, he's a terrific musician.
the face is familiar.
Not yours, his.
OK if I go
to the john now?
Orville, this is it.
This is our jackpot.
Remember "That's Amore"?...
top single for 37 weeks.
Or "Memories are Made
of This"?...
over two million copies!
And he's got his own
recording company.
I'll run over and get
some of our songs!
No, no, no. That's
not the way to do it.
You got to be more subtle.
Just start singing him
one of our tunes, casual-like.
Or hum a little. Catch his ear.
I see.
What are you waiting for? Go!
I'm a poached egg
Without a piece of toast
Yorkshire pudding
Without a beef to roast
I'm a haunted house
That hasn't got a ghost
When I'm without you
I'm a western
Without a hitching post
There's paper towels
in the ladies' room.
I'm a mousetrap
Without a piece of cheese
I'm da Vinci
Without the Mona Lis
Mona Lis?
I'm Las Vegas
Without a slot machine
I'm Napoleon
Without a Josephine
What's with him?
Catchy tune, isn't it?
We wrote it together.
- No.
- Yeah.
We're gonna call it
"I'm a Poached Egg."
I'm a poached... cuckoo.
How much do I owe you?
$5.15. Too bad
you're in such a hurry...
because if we had just
a little more time...
Here you are.
100? Oh, I can't change this.
I'll have to run to the bank.
Why don't you have a cup
of coffee with Orville?
Get acquainted.
We've got a lot of songs...
and they really sound
better on the piano.
Uh, just a minute.
Here, here. Here's $10.
Keep the change.
Oh, wait!
I forgot to check the oil.
You know, uh, "I Left My Heart
in San Francisco?"
Big hit, right?
They stole it from us.
Is that so?
We wrote it first,
only it was called...
"I Left My Heart
in San Diego."
Exactly the same idea.
We just missed by a few miles.
All set.
We also have an
Italian-type song...
like "Volare," only better.
It would be just perfect
for you.
Shove it in an envelope...
and send it to
my office in Hollywood.
Oh, no. All you guys want to
is steal those return stamps!
Aww, the hell with him.
He sings flat anyway.
Flat, sharp, or round...
he sells, doesn't he?
Yeah. I guess we muffed it.
Who knows when we'll get
a chance like this again?
Oh, I'd say
in about three minutes.
Three minutes?
I disconnected his fuel line.
He's got enough gas
in the carburetor...
to go a couple blocks.
Yeah. Right now he's stalled...
on the corner
of Citrus and Yucca.
He's going into Pringle's
hardware store.
He's asking if he
could use the phone.
We should be hearing from him
in about ten seconds.
Five, four, three, two, one.
You answer it.
I'll get the tow truck.
Barney's Service Station.
Oh, hello there.
Of course I remember you.
What seems to be the trouble?
What is this,
a gag or something?
A gag?
You're sure you didn't
mess around with that motor?
That's a terrible thing to say.
Well, what's wrong with it?
Look. If this is your attitude,
I'm not even gonna tell you.
He's a factory-trained mechanic.
That's like being a doctor.
You got to take an oath.
All right, doc,
what's the word?
You know anything about cars?
Me? I need a copilot to turn on
the windshield wiper.
The left intake valve
is cracked...
on account of that
double camshaft...
because of
the internal combustion.
That bad?
It happens once in a while.
You know these Italian cars.
Well, don't stand there
talking to each other.
Fix it!
"Fix it," he says.
I have to send to L.A.
For a new part...
and if they don't have it,
it has to come...
from the distributor
in New York...
and if he doesn't have it...
it has to come from
the factory in Milan.
That's ridiculous.
He's a busy man.
You bet I am.
I got to get back and do
a television special.
Oh, really? What channel?
What the hell difference
does it make?
I want to watch it.
Well, we'll watch it together...
because I'll probably
still be here.
Quiet, will you? Let me think.
What I could do
is take a valve...
from that old Chevy
and grind it down to fit.
That should get you
to Hollywood.
He knows his business.
And how long will that take?
Well, if I work all night...
I can have it for you
first thing in the morning.
You mean I got to spend
the night in this dump?
They just opened
a brand-new motel here.
He wouldn't like it.
It stinks.
How can you say that?
It's got all the modern
Didn't you hear what happened?
A skunk got into
the air conditioning.
I don't care where I sleep.
Just find me
an empty pool table.
I'm sure Mr. Spooner
would be glad...
to put you up
for the night.
Wouldn't you, Orville?
Me? Oh, of course I would.
He's got a spare room...
and it's right
across the street.
His wife... oh, his wife's a
great cook.
I get the scene.
This way.
No, not you. You stay here...
and start grinding
that little grabber.
Come on. Let's go.
Tell me, since we're both
in the same racket...
Tin Pan Alley...
don't you think that rock'n'roll
is on the way out?
They're just not writing them
the way they used to...
I mean those evergreens
like "Star Dust"
and "Melancholy Baby."
Look, let's cut out
all the small talk.
I'm bushed.
It's real quiet here.
You can take a nice long nap...
then we'll have some dinner,
and afterwards...
we can sit around the piano
and sing some songs.
Is that the only
action in this town?
Oh, no. There's a bowling alley.
Or you can stand outside
Pringle's hardware store...
and watch color
television in the window.
Hey, you're not
reading me right, pal.
What's with the broads
around here?
Broads? Oh, you mean
action action.
Yeah. It's a habit
with me, like breathing.
I should have known
from the gossip columns.
Well, it's not that I like to.
You see, I have to
because if I skip one night...
I wake up the next morning
with such a headache.
No, no.
This is our bedroom.
You're in there.
This is it...
a sort of a combination
sewing room and guest room.
You ought to have this tuned.
About your problem...
you know...
that headache you
were talking about...
maybe you ought
to try the Belly Button.
The what?
There's this roadhouse
just outside town...
called the Belly Button.
They've got these
cocktail waitresses.
They're very friendly.
At least, that's what I hear.
I've never been there myself.
After all, I'm a married man.
This your wife?
Yes, sir. Her name is lambchop.
It's really Zelda.
I call her lambchop.
How about that?
She sews and she knits
and she puts up preserves.
And she grows her own parsley.
Must be a great girl all around.
Oh, she is.
You lucky dog!
Well, I guess
you're all set here.
You know where everything is.
It takes a few minutes
for the hot water to get hot.
And if there's anything
else you want...
bye now.
Oh, hello, darling.
Sorry I'm late.
Dr. Sheldrake sends
you his regards.
That's nice.
How'd it go there?
- Where?
- At the dentist.
Oh, fine. Fine.
Did he hurt you?
No. But he thinks he'll have to
pull my wisdom tooth.
You're lying, Zelda.
Well, maybe he can save it.
You weren't
at the dentist at all.
Your appointment
isn't till next Tuesday.
It's next Wednesday.
So where were you today?
If you must know,
I was at my mother's.
On a Saturday?
Isn't that when she works
at the blood bank?
Orville, I'm not going to
answer any more questions.
You haven't
answered any so far.
I'm sick and tired
of you spying on me...
and cross-examining me...
and checking the mileage
on my car.
Don't change the subject.
I have myself vaccinated...
and right away you want
to know who bit me.
All right, who bit you?
I mean, where were you?
And what's in that box?
You really want me
to tell you?
It's a present for my lover.
Oh! Oh, it is, huh?
It's today?
September 30th.
I thought it was the 31st.
It was going to be a surprise,
and now you've spoiled it.
I'm sorry, darling.
I guess I'm a monster.
Yes, you are.
I don't know why
you put up with me.
I don't, either.
Talk about mental cruelty.
Suspicion, nagging,
and cross-examining.
Do you want to know
why I'm late?
You don't have to explain.
Because of those
idiots at the bakery.
I ordered pistachio cake,
and they made it chocolate.
I know how you hate chocolate.
Pistachio, chocolate...
who cares?
I love you.
Actually, I didn't mind waiting
because otherwise I never
would have seen him.
I looked out the window...
and there he was,
driving by in his car.
He wore sunglasses,
and he needed a shave...
but I recognized him anyway.
I nearly fainted.
I've been crazy about him
since I was 16.
You never told me.
I used to be president of
his fan club...
and secretary-treasurer.
There were just two
of us...
me and Rosalie Schultz,
but she chickened out...
and went over to Mitch Miller.
I don't blame her.
Imagine, Dino in person...
driving down Citrus Avenue.
You must be imagining it.
It's ridiculous.
What would a guy like that
be doing in Climax?
Anyway, I read somewhere
that he's in Hollywood.
Television or something.
What are you doing?
I just want to play "Volare."
Oh, no, you don't.
Why not?
You never know
who's going to barge in.
I don't know. Rosalie Schultz,
Mitch Miller, anybody.
And besides, I don't want
a strange man singing to you.
There you go again.
I mean, after all,
it is our anniversary.
I've got another
surprise for you.
You'll love it.
I'd better go in the sewing
room and finish it.
You do that.
Sewing room!
Zelda. Wait!
What are you
going in there for?
I have some sewing to do.
What sewing?
It's a secret.
You know I don't like secrets.
All right, if you insist.
I'm making myself
a black chiffon negligee.
I just have to put
the lace on the collar.
I want it to be
ready for tonight.
You don't need lace
on the collar.
You don't even need
a negligee.
And we don't have
to wait for tonight.
I have no more
lessons today...
and we're all alone
in the house...
so why don't we...
In the middle
of the afternoon?
That's what makes it...
the irregularity...
that unexpected little twist.
Orville, have you been
reading "Playboy" again?
You just relax.
I'll be with you
in a minute, lambchop.
I was just coming to see you.
Look what I got...
all the Italian food
they had at the market.
Macaroni, parmigiana,
frozen pizza, chianti.
Forget it.
That's what he likes.
You'll gonna give him
an Italian dinner...
play him our Italian song.
Oh, no. He's gonna get into
his Italian car and beat it!
What do you mean?
I don't want him in the house.
We got to get rid of him.
After all the trouble
we went to?
- You heard me.
- Why?
Because he's a sex maniac.
So what? That's his problem.
But it's my wife!
He's already after her.
And what's worse, she's crazy
about him, too.
Oh. What's wrong with that?
He likes her. She likes him.
So while you're
plugging the songs...
she's sort of
putting him in the mood.
Why, you miserable...
are you suggesting
that I use my wife?
Watch that chianti.
I don't care if
I never sell a song.
I'd rather starve first
because I love my wife.
I adore her. I worship her.
Don't you trust her?
No. Excuse me.
Hurry up, playboy.
It is no use arguing, Barney.
Just reconnect
his fuel line and... pssst.
Well, not so fast.
Why do we have to
get rid of him?
Why don't we get rid of her?
Sure. Just send her away
for the night...
if you're so worried.
Send her away.
That's already better...
but it won't work.
Why not?
Didn't you hear what I said?
This guy is only
interested in action.
He's not going to spend
the night here...
just with me, eating macaroni
and listening to our songs.
He's going to be
at the Belly Button...
Iooking for broads.
Hold it. Hold it, hold it.
Why does he have to go
to the Belly Button?
Why don't we bring
the Belly Button to him?
Now you're going too fast.
Once Zelda's out of the way...
we pick up one of those
cocktail waitresses...
and get her over here.
Mmm. That'll keep him
in the house.
How am I going to
explain it to him?
That I was afraid he was going
to make a pass at my wife...
so we got him a chippy instead?
You don't have to
explain anything.
Just introduce her as your wife.
Does he know
what Zelda looks like?
- No, but...
- Then that's it.
He's going to get
all the action he wants.
Barney, you're sick!
Uh-huh. He can
tickle her and pinch her...
grab her, wrestle with her.
Excuse me.
Nice little lambchop.
Coming, Orville.
All right, all right.
So it's a great idea.
But just tell me one thing
if you're so clever...
how do I get rid of my wife?
That's the easiest part.
Hit her.
Hit her?
Or start an argument
or get her sore at you.
Shove a grapefruit in her face.
There's lots of ways.
You want me to
louse up my marriage?
It's just for one night.
So she cries a little.
She goes home to her mother.
And tomorrow morning
you can explain...
the whole thing to her.
You buy her a nice present.
By that time,
you can afford it...
because we'll have
sold all those songs.
You mean for no reason
at all... a grapefruit?
Right in the kisser.
Oh, I couldn't do that.
You've got to
because you love her.
It's for her own good.
Good luck. And you better
get her out of here fast...
because I'm on my way
to the Belly Button...
to pick up that dame.
Oh, Barney brought this...
a little anniversary present.
Why did you get dressed again?
After you took a shower.
I did? Oh, of course.
And I got dressed again
because I was feeling chilly.
You certainly didn't act chilly.
When I was in the shower.
I thought you were going to
climb right in with me.
You did? I mean, did I?
We could save a lot of money
on our water bill. Hmm?
Look what I dug up.
Our wedding pictures.
Oh? Just let me get
rid of this stuff.
All right.
Hey, you.
When am I going to meet
that wife of yours?
She's taking a nap because she
just took a shower...
but I guess you know that.
Did you say she grows
her own parsley?
Yes. You'll have
some for dinner.
That's when you'll
meet her... at dinner.
I think I'll catch a little
shut-eye myself...
so I can be nice and fresh.
I have a hunch this may turn
out to be a big night.
Come here, darling.
You'll get a kick out of these.
Out of what?
Our wedding pictures.
Remember that day?
Do I? It was
the worst day of my life.
I thought it was beautiful.
Oh, you did?
It was just that
you tried to do...
too many things
at the same time.
Whoever heard
of a bridegroom...
playing the organ
at his own wedding?
Look at mother...
crying her eyes out.
I'm glad you brought that up.
You want to know how
I feel about your mother?
All right, I'll tell you.
She makes me throw up.
The way she treats your father.
And you know
what she looks like?
Now, now, Orville.
Now, now, what?
Mother may be a little
difficult, but...
Difficult? She's impossible.
A mean, vicious, loud-mouthed,
interfering old bag!
Now, what do you think of that?
Well, basically I have
to agree with you.
You do?
Why do you think I got married?
To get away from her.
Oh, so that's the reason
why you married me.
Not the only reason.
I also love you.
Here are some pictures
from our honeymoon.
Boy, was that ever a flop.
I wouldn't say that.
Oh, you wouldn't?
I'll admit the first night
was a little disappointing...
when they didn't
have a room for us...
and we had to sleep
out in your old rambler.
It was a Volkswagen.
Darling, here's a picture.
It was a rambler,
a blue rambler.
It was pink.
Don't tell me.
Of course it was blue...
exactly the same color
as my eyes.
Your eyes are pink.
What are you talking about?
I have blue eyes.
I say they're pink.
You want to make
something of it?
Orville, what is this...
some kind of a new game?
I wonder who that could be.
Good afternoon, Mrs. Spooner.
May we come in?
Of course, Reverend.
Mrs. Spooner.
Mrs. Mulligan.
- Hi, Zelda.
- Hi, Rosalie.
We hate to intrude
on you like this...
but we're collecting
for a petition
urging the city council...
to close down
that dreadful place...
if the ladies
will forgive my language...
the Belly Button.
Of course. We'll be glad
to sign, won't we, Orville?
We will?
Well, it's a disgrace,
a cesspool...
a blot on our community.
I understand they let minors
use the cigarette machine.
Rosalie and I went
in there to investigate...
and two strange men
approached us...
and offered to
buy us Bloody Marys.
I got the distinct impression
that there's love for sale
on the premises.
"Love For Sale," Cole Porter...
a million and a half copies.
Well, what are we waiting for?
Who's got a fountain pen?
Oh, I see you're celebrating
your anniversary.
Our fifth.
What a lovely cake.
Would you like a piece?
I wouldn't want you
to spoil it.
Oh, well, maybe just
a little piece.
In that case, I'll have
a little piece, too.
No, thank you.
Cholesterol, you know.
Thank you.
However, if you happen to
have half a grapefruit.
Well, actually, I was
saving it for my wife.
What do you say, Barney?
Is Polly working today?
- Sure.
- Where?
She's gone back to
being a blond again.
Hey, Polly,
we were just wondering...
how do you get that thing
to stay in there?
I glue it in.
Ha ha ha!
What would happen
if I unglued it?
You'd get beer in your eye.
From there?
From here.
Look, Bertha, you still want
those new seat covers...
in your station wagon?
I'll give them to you
for half price...
if you'll do me a little favor.
Like what?
It's OK with me
if it's OK with Polly.
Listen, Polly, I got
a proposition for you.
Step back.
Here comes a big one.
Like I said,
I got a proposition.
I need you.
Right now?
It's an emergency.
Yeah, it must be.
Actually, it's not for me.
It's for a friend of mine.
He's giving a little party.
It's an all-night job.
I just got on duty.
I won't be through
till 1:00 in the morning.
It's OK. I talked to Big Bertha.
It's all fixed.
You better get yourself
another girl.
I'm coming down with this cold,
and I feel lousy.
Well, if you want to
pass up 25 bucks.
- How much?
- 25 bucks.
Suddenly I feel better.
Atta girl. Let's go.
Don't you want me to
change my clothes first?
Come on.
I got my motor running.
At least let me
put on a coat.
What for?
Do you want me
to catch pneumonia?
On an outside job like this...
I'm not covered
by any Blue Cross.
Ok, but step on it.
I'll pick you up
around the back.
Bang! Bang! Bang!
Here's your dinner, Sam.
I won't be home till late.
I'm coming!
Now, don't stay up
all night watching TV.
It's not good for your eyes.
Are you kidding?
I'm not going in any truck.
Listen to her... Princess Grace.
Get your keister in here!
You know what you are?
No gentleman.
Come on! Come on!
Say, what kind of party
is this anyway?
My friend will explain
the whole thing to you.
What are you so worried about?
Well, the last time I took
a job like this was July 4th.
It was one of those
bachelor barbecues...
with fireworks and everything,
and they raffled me off.
I went for $83.
Except the next day,
the check bounced...
so all I got out of it
was a case of poison ivy.
Thank you, Mrs. Spooner.
Bye, Rosalie.
Happy anniversary, Zelda.
Come, come, ladies.
We have a lot of work to do.
We need another 400 signatures.
Are you sure you
don't need some help?
After all, 400 signatures.
Why don't you take
my wife along?
She's very good
at this sort of thing.
Oh, I wouldn't think of it.
Not on your anniversary.
This way, playboy.
In case there are
any more petitions.
Where were we?
You know, this town isn't
going to be the same...
if they close down
the Belly Button.
Why should you care?
Why should I care?
I happen to be their
biggest customer.
All those nights
when you thought...
I was at choir practice
or bowling...
or watching color television
outside Pringle's...
I was really
at the Belly Button.
Doing what?
Using that cigarette machine,
drinking Mary Bloodies...
and a lot of other things, but
I'd rather not talk about it...
because you'll just get sore
and walk out on me.
What other things?
You may think I'm
sort of a square...
but ask any of those
cocktail waitresses there...
I am a swinger.
Sure you are.
I wouldn't have it
any other way.
Poor Zelda. I guess the wife
is always the last to know.
Know what?
For your information, I have
been playing around for years.
And not just with those
with some of your best friends.
Like who?
Well, I'm too much of
a gentleman to mention names...
but last Thanksgiving...
there was a little incident
in the organ loft.
Oh, you and Rosalie Schultz.
How did you know?
She told me all about it.
We had a big laugh.
You mean, you were discussing...
my sex life
with another woman...
and laughing about it?
What sex life?
So you chased her
up the bell tower.
It just so happens
that she chased me.
What difference does it make?
Nobody caught anybody.
And anyway, I trust you.
You trust me?
That's a lousy thing to say
about your husband.
Don't you think I'm attractive
to other women?
You're attractive to me.
So come to bed.
Oh, no.
You're not going
to weasel out of it.
The truth is, you don't
give a damn about me...
because if you did,
you'd be jealous.
You'd fight for me.
It's the most primitive
emotion there is.
You take the Watusis.
I read all about it
in the "National Geographic"...
in Dr. Sheldrake's office.
If a Watusi wife
catches another woman...
with a Watusi husband, you
know what she does?
She buries her in sand up to
her neck...
and smears honey
all over her head...
and lets the red ants
loose on her.
But what do you do
when Rosalie Schultz...
tries to steal your husband?
You give her a piece
of pistachio cake!
Well, if that's
all you care about me...
I've had it.
I'm not staying here
another minute.
Where do you think you're going?
I'm going home to mother.
Orville! Wait a minute.
What are you doing?
That's right. What am I doing?
It's the other way around.
You're going home
to your mother.
Darling, what's
the matter with you?
All day you've been
trying to pick a fight.
It's for your own good.
There isn't room enough
here for the three of us.
The three of us?
I mean the four of us.
Out you go.
Orville, you're not
making any sense.
This is me, your wife.
Zelda, remember?
Five years ago today...
we promised to love, honor,
and cherish each other...
and you were so nervous...
you put the ring
on the minister's finger.
Oh, cut out that sentimental
Don't cry, lambchop. Please.
Maybe I'm not
making any sense now...
but I'll make a lot
of sense tomorrow...
when I explain
the whole thing.
Don't bother!
Tomorrow or any other time!
Nice timing, Orville.
Now we're cooking.
I wish I were in hell
with my back broken.
Just wait till you see
what I brought for dessert.
This is Polly.
My friend Orville.
Not here.
You want the whole
neighborhood to know?
Get her in the house.
That's some welcome.
Stop beefing.
This is cash on the line...
and no poison ivy.
Come on. Come on.
You got a wastepaper basket
Well, what do you think of her?
I guess she's all right,
but I wouldn't know.
You can take my word for it.
She's a pistol, a real pistol.
Say, what is this?
You brought me all
the way here on approval?
No, no. You got a deal. Right?
Oh, sure. We've gone this far.
We may as well
go through with it.
Don't force yourself, mister.
Oh, I didn't mean it that way.
I think you're
most attractive...
and you're going to do
a very good job.
What does he want now,
Simmer down. You, too...
because it's gonna work out
just great.
I hope so.
Don't bet on it, hon.
I better leave you alone now.
Do you have to?
I'm supposed to be
grinding that valve.
And one more thing...
you got all night,
so take it easy.
You don't have to start
on the piano right away.
Build up to it slowly.
Know what I mean?
Maybe while you have dinner...
you can sneak it
into the conversation.
And then after dinner,
you can really go all out.
Well, shall we get organized?
Look, I'm a good sport...
I mean, you could ask anybody...
but none of that
crazy stuff, huh?
You see, I got this bad cold.
Did you ever hear of anybody
with a... with a good cold?
It's a nice place you got here.
Oh, you'll like it.
It's not very big,
but it's clean.
What is?
What is what?
I don't know.
You brought it up.
First thing you have to do
is get out of those clothes.
Just like that?
You're so right.
First thing, we'd better make
sure my wife isn't coming back.
Yeah. I think we better.
You realize if it weren't
for venetian blinds...
it would be curtains
for all of us?
I guess you can't
be too careful...
a man in your position.
My position?
Oh, I recognized you
right away.
I see you at church
every Sunday playing the organ.
You go to church?
All of us girls go.
Big Bertha takes us
in the station wagon.
Well, you know what they say...
the family that
stays together...
It's just that Bertha thinks
it's good for public relations.
We mustn't wake him up,
not yet...
because if he catches on,
we'll be dead.
Barney and me.
No, I mean, who's gonna
catch on?
Nobody, I hope.
So, shall we...
Oh, OK.
No, no.
Not in here. In the bedroom.
You name it.
Don't mind me
if I'm a little nervous...
but so much depends on this.
I just hope we can swing it.
We'll do our best.
Thank you.
Now if you'll just put on
one of my wife's dresses.
What for?
That's the only way it'll work.
We've got to pretend
you're my wife.
What are you,
some kind of a weirdie?
Didn't Barney tell you?
He didn't tell me to expect
anything like this.
I'm getting out of here.
Now just a second.
You know, you ought to be
ashamed of yourself.
All those people
in the congregation...
do they know what you're doing
the other six days of the week?
You don't understand.
It's not for me. It's for him.
Who's him?
Back there. He's asleep.
What are we playing,
musical chairs?
Barney says it's not for him,
it's for a friend of his.
Now you say it's not for you,
it's for a friend of yours.
Oh, but he's not
exactly a friend.
It's more like
a business promotion...
and he likes action
all the time.
I got nothing against that,
but not with Zelda.
Oh. Who's Zelda?
You are.
It's my wife,
but tonight you're her...
so you're Zelda.
What did I get myself into?
Oh, you just wait till you
find out who he is.
You'll flip.
Huh. I will?
Oh, boy.
So who can it be...
Richard Burton?
No, but you're getting warm.
Here, try this.
It may be a little tight,
but that can't hurt any.
What's the matter now?
I lost my navel.
I think it rolled under there.
Where am I?
In Climax.
Don't you remember?
You had that cracked valve?
What time is it?
Oh, it's only 4:00, so why don't
you go back to sleep?
What are you doing down
there, anyway?
I'm looking for
my wife's navel.
Looks real nice, Polly.
Thanks, and the name
is Zelda.
Oh, yes, of course.
Hey, candles.
I found them in the drawer.
For intimate dining,
candlelight is a romantic must.
I used to read up
on all that stuff...
in Ladies' Home Journal...
what every bride should know,
how to keep your husband happy.
Say, maybe we should have
some place cards.
I don't think so.
There's just the three of us.
Tell me, how did
you and I meet?
What do you mean?
Barney brought you.
Oh, no. You and Zelda.
I'm Zelda, remember?
How did we meet,
in case it comes up?
Oh. Well, you were
singing in the choir...
and I noticed you right away
because you were always off-key.
Hmm. So you kept me after hours.
I wanted to, but your mother
used to watch us like a hawk.
She never liked me much.
So in order to
ingratiate myself...
you see, she works
at the blood bank...
I'd go in three times a week
and give a pint of blood.
Three pints a week?
Well, the other days,
I'd sneak over...
to the hospital in Silver City
and get a transfusion.
Boy, you must have
been nuts about me.
I certainly was.
And, uh, how did
you propose to me?
Well, I wrote this love song...
and one afternoon while
I was tuning your piano...
I played it to you,
and that did it.
somebody writing
a whole song for you.
You know, when I was
in high school...
there was this boy.
He used to write me poems.
What kind of poems?
In chalk, on sidewalks
and fences.
Why, I had to go
all over town erasing them.
Polly... I mean, Zelda...
keep an eye
on the meat sauce, will you?
I hate to put you
to work like this...
I mean, like a housewife.
Oh, I enjoy it.
As a matter of fact...
I was almost a wife once myself.
That's how I happened
to wind up in nevada.
Where are you from?
Jersey City, New Jersey.
I was working at the Plaza Hotel
as a manicurist...
and I had this 1,200 bucks
my father left me.
So I was going to open
a little beauty shop... my own.
Then I met this guy.
This needs more salt.
What guy?
He was a salesman,
a hula hoop salesman.
Remember those things?
He wanted to marry me.
That figures.
So I bought this
secondhand car and trailer.
We drove to Nevada,
spent the night here.
The next day, we were supposed
to go to Vegas and get hitched.
Could use some pepper, too.
What happened?
When I woke up
in the morning...
the guy was gone,
and the car was gone.
That was it.
You know anybody who can use
six dozen plastic hula hoops?
They come in assorted colors.
You mean he just took off?
Eh, I should have known
he was a fink.
He had small moons.
He had what?
You know, small moons
on the fingernails.
Now, you, for instance,
you got big moons.
Is that good?
It means you're a gentleman.
When you're a manicurist,
you can tell a lot
about people...
just from their hands.
I never had a manicure
in my life.
Nobody in this town has.
That's why I had to take a job
at the Belly Button...
trying to scrape up
enough money to get another car.
But something always
seems to happen.
I guess I'm stuck here for good.
A girl like you... I'm sure
you'll find some nice guy.
Not a chance, unless I get
out of this place.
Around here, I'm just somebody
the bartender recommends.
"Try Polly the Pistol."
'S marvelous
You should care
'S paradise
'S awful nice, woo, pow
Let's get ready.
He'll be out in a minute.
I know that voice
from someplace.
Of course you do. He's a singer.
Now don't flip.
Well, who is it?
It's Dino.
That's right.
I like Andy Williams better.
Shh! For heaven's sake,
watch it.
You're supposed
to be nice to him.
Don't worry. I know my job.
Now let me look at you.
Maybe we'd better open
a couple of buttons.
Your wife wouldn't do that.
I guess not.
Oh, the ring.
You should have a ring.
Here, put this on.
You suppose there's
a law against this?
Against what?
Wearing a ring
without a license.
Don't be silly.
Come on, let's go
into the living room.
Domestic, domestic.
We've got to
make it look domestic.
You sit here, and I'll sit here.
No, that's not domestic enough.
You knit, and I'll read.
Uh... uh, I don't
know how to knit.
Well, then you read,
and I'll knit.
No, that's no good.
Now, let me see...
'S wonderful
'S marvelous
You should care for me
Mmm, 's awful nice
Hard to see
Pardon me.
Is this the way to Disneyland?
Oh, we didn't hear you.
This is my wife Zelda.
Howdy, ma'am.
My husband told me
you were staying with us.
What a delightful surprise.
Zelda has all your records.
She's a big fan of yours.
I'm a big fan of hers.
I picked these on the way here.
Oh, they're lovely.
Cocktail time.
What would you like?
Martini? Old fashioned?
Vodka on the rocks?
No, thanks.
Nothing to drink?
Just a bowl of bourbon
and some crackers.
Bourbon. Good idea.
How about you, Zelda?
Uh, do we have any buttermilk
in the house?
Buttermilk! Coming right up.
Well, just don't...
stand there, you two. Talk.
Uh, tell me something.
How'd you happen
to get stranded here?
Oh, just lucky, I guess.
You know, that dress dummy
don't do you justice...
even with all the padding.
I suppose I've put on
a few pounds.
Well, don't you worry about it.
As far as I'm concerned...
there couldn't
be enough of you...
How much do you
think she weighs?
May I?
Help yourself.
Guess again.
Glad to.
You're getting warm.
Oh, boy.
Oh, that's close enough.
How much you think I weigh?
Go ahead, lambchop.
Take a crack at it.
That's not fair.
Right on the nose.
Sure, it's cold.
It's got ice in it.
Funny! Funny!
Well, drink up
and be somebody.
Why don't we sit down?
Why don't we?
Ah, lambchop, Dino,
and I'll sit back here.
Where'd you get
this crazy couch?
Oh, it's been
in the family for years.
It's a love seat.
Love seat? For three?
Victorian, you know.
Two lovers and a chaperone,
but that didn't stop anyone.
It was usually an old lady,
half-deaf, half-blind...
sitting there and... knitting.
It's good therapy.
I took it up
when I quit smoking.
It keeps my hands busy.
You know what they say...
the devil finds work
for idle hands.
What are you knitting?
A sock.
With a turtleneck?
He's got small moons.
I got what?
Oh, it's this theory
my wife has.
If you've got small moons
on your nails...
you're a gentleman
and a scholar.
Now, you take me.
I've got big moons.
That means I'm a fink.
Well, you're only half right
about me.
I'm no scholar.
Knit one, purl two.
Hmm. Something around here
smells good.
It's the meat sauce.
It's making my mouth water.
We also got you some pizza.
How about a little antipasto?
You'll spoil your appetite.
You want to bet?
What's the matter?
I've dropped a stitch.
You know, you can lose
a hand that way.
Did you hear the story
about the girl and the lobster?
No. How does it go?
Well, this girl was sitting
in a movie house...
and this guy sat down
next to her...
and they were
sitting in the dark...
and they were watching the
picture, see...
and suddenly
she felt something...
crawling up her leg
and pinched her.
Go on.
Then she felt something
crawling again...
and pinched her again.
She said, "What is the idea
of you pinching me?"
And he said,
"Well, it wasn't me.
It was my lobster."
His lobster?
He explained it. He said...
"A friend of mine
gave me a live lobster"...
and I said,
"Gee, that's wonderful.
"I think I'll take it
home for dinner."
He said, "No,
it already had dinner.
"Why don't you take it
to a movie?"
Take it to a movie! a movie.
I told you. He's a funny man.
Yeah. Funny.
You got any more
stories like that?
Yeah. I got...
Oh, yeah. There was the one
about this doctor, you see.
He was examining
a girl's knee, and he said...
"What's a joint like this doing
on a pretty girl like you?"
Oh! Oh, I got to remember
that one.
Excuse me. I've got
something on the stove.
I think this belongs to you.
Me. You. What's the difference?
Maybe I'd better help you.
No, no, no, no.
You stay right
where you are, lambchop.
Make him feel at home.
Show him a little
western hospitality.
We don't want him to have
a headache tomorrow.
What is this, Candid Camera?
You must think my husband
is sort of, uh, peculiar.
Oh, no.
As a matter of fact...
I'm getting very fond of him.
So am I.
And I'm crazy about his wife.
Do you know what
I'd like right now?
Sure. Another bowl
of bourbon and crackers.
Tell me something.
How come he calls you lambchop?
Maybe it's because
I wear paper panties.
Paper panties?
I also wear a gold ring.
Talk about finks.
This guy's got no moons at all.
Never mind the moons.
You should be out there
entertaining him.
What right has he got to treat
your wife like that?
It's a good thing
you're not my wife...
or I'd throw him
out of the house.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Paper panties. Ooh.
Hot stuff. Don't touch.
I can't help myself.
How would you like
a macaroni shampoo?
Anything you say, baby.
Sprinkle me with parmesan.
Stab me with a breadstick.
You're quite
an operator, aren't you?
Well, not really, but all we
have is just this one night...
so I have to work fast.
It's sort of
an emergency operation.
It's that little
old winemaker, me!
Sit down. Sit down.
You didn't have to go
to all this trouble.
What trouble? I'm very grateful.
You see, this is our fifth
wedding anniversary...
and I forgot to buy
my wife a present...
so instead, she's getting you.
You know what they say...
white wine with fish,
red wine with lambchop.
Believe me, it's the best thing
that could've happened to you.
If I told you once, I told you
a thousand times...
don't marry him.
Orville J. Spooner.
You know what the "j"
stands for? Jerk.
That's what he is, a jerk.
Never made more than sixty
dollars a week in his life.
No ambition, no future.
When I think that
you could've married...
Wally Coates...
Dr. Wallace Coates...
the second-most-successful
chiropractor in Carson City.
Henry, stop rocking.
Or take Tom Pringle.
He was dying to marry you.
Only the president of the Junior
Chamber of Commerce...
but you let Gladys Bukitsch
grab him off.
Gladys Bukitsch.
Four foot six, bad complexion,
I could cry.
You know what he did
for her folks?
Bought them a house
in Del Webb's Sun City.
So now they're retired...
playing shuffleboard
with the other senior citizens.
Oh, Zelda, Zelda...
what a mess you made
of your life.
That's enough, Mamie.
Now leave her alone.
Did you say something?
Not recently.
First thing tomorrow,
you go and see a lawyer...
Charlie Green, whom you also
could've married.
You'll have no problem
getting a divorce.
Just wait till I get up there...
and tell the judge
how he treated me...
slamming the piano cover
on my hand...
just because I said
he was a no-talent slob.
Where are you going?
Back to Orville?
Yes, mother.
He's so right about you.
You're a mean, loud-mouthed...
interfering old...
you want to know
what he calls you?
I better not tell you.
I'd like to propose
a toast to my beloved wife...
who has stood by me
so valiantly...
for the last five hours...
five years...
and to our distinguished
star of stage, screen,
and television...
a man who needs
no introduction...
where is he?
He dropped his napkin again.
It seems I have
a very slippery lap.
Slippery lap.
Oh! In the words
of Rossani Brazzi...
grazie, grazie.
Uh, shall we move
into the living room?
You go ahead.
I'll clear the table.
No, no, Zelda. Not yet.
Let's not break up the party.
Oh, I'm with you.
Oh, you don't mind if I, uh,
bring along a friend?
As long as you don't
bring your lobster.
Funny! Funny!
All right. Everybody line up
for a square dance.
Square dance?
We got wine, we got women,
and we got songs.
What would you like to hear?
Well, do you know
Old Man River?
Darling, why don't you play
one of your own songs.
One of mine?
Oh, I wouldn't want to
impose on our guest.
Well, how about
"Cuddle Up a Little Closer"?
I'm sorry, but we have
a request from a lady...
in the balcony.
Let's see now.
There's this little Italian
number we wrote...
which may be of some
interest to you.
Every day
I sit and pray I
Win you over soon
Say yes, won't you?
Do you, don't you
Want this world in tune?
What does it take
to persuade you?
And how much more
must I serenade you?
Listen to me, Sophia
Have you any idea
How much you mean to me-a?
How much, you'll never know
If I'm all agitato
Every heartstring vibrato
Every look passionato
Who but you made me so?
It's love, it's love, crescendo
Never, ever diminuendo
Say the word, Sweet Sophia
Or from earth I resign
Oh, Sophia, be mine
Well? What do you
think of it, huh?
Oh, it's a grabber,
a real grabber.
It is?
Takes one to know one.
What a great piece of material.
Boy, what I could do with it.
You mean you like the song?
What song? Oh, yeah.
It's another
"Arrivederci, Roma."
I'll take it.
You'll take it?
He'll take it!
Did you hear that, darling?
He'll take it!
Oh! Stay right
where you are, lambchop.
Play it again.
Yes, indeedy!
Listen to me, Sophia
Have you any idea
How much you mean to me-a?
Every day more and more
You're sweeter than spumoni
Sweeter even than zabaglione
Say the word, sweet Sophia
Let our hearts intertwine
Oh, Sophia, be mine
Sweet Sophia, be mine
Let that honeymoon shine
Pluck the grape from the vine
Let our hearts
Let our hearts intertwine
And put your love on the line
Sweet Sophia, be mine
Let the honeymoon shine
Paper panties.
Or from earth I resign
Oh, Sophia, be mine
What's going on in there?
Zelda, you're not
supposed to be here.
Why not? This is my house...
and that's my husband,
the swinger!
Now, now, Zelda, take it easy.
I know this looks pretty bad.
That miserable liar,
he was telling me the truth.
No, he wasn't.
I mean, the truth is...
Look, Zelda.
There are certain things...
a man cannot ask his wife to do.
Like what? You mean, now she's
gonna drink out of his shoe?
Oh, she'll do anything.
You see, she's getting
twenty-five bucks.
Twenty-five bucks?
It's an all-night job.
Well, if that doesn't
kill him, I will!
Now, don't blame Orville.
Actually, the whole
thing was my idea...
I mean, throwing you
out of the house.
It was?
And that girl... Orville
didn't even know her.
I brought her around
and introduced her to him.
You did?
And don't worry about
the money it's costing...
because Orville and I,
we're going halfsies on this.
You are?
OK, Zelda, hit me
if you want to...
but please don't go in there.
You'll spoil everything.
I wouldn't dream of it.
Atta girl. Now you go
back to your mother's...
until tomorrow morning.
I'm going, all right,
but not to my mother.
Oh, whew.
Oh, sweet Sophia, be mine
Or from earth I resign
Pardon me. Pardon me.
Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to.
I just got carried away.
Don't mind me. Go right ahead.
Western hospitality.
Listen to me, Sophia
Do you realize this is the first
song we ever sold?
It's a good thing
that valve cracked...
or I'd have never heard it.
Yeah, and I never would have
met him... I mean you.
Now, look, here's... Orville,
I'll need one copy
for my television producer...
and my orchestra leader
and my arranger...
and for the guys
from the agency.
Let's see.
I'll need maybe, like,
uh, twelve copies.
How many?
I hate to do this to you...
but since I'm leaving
in the morning...
you'll have to stay up
all night making copies.
Did you say twelve?
And don't you worry
about me or your wife...
we won't bother you.
Maybe we'll go in the garden,
and she'll show me her parsley.
Here we are. Sophia.
Twelve copies. Isn't that lucky?
How lucky can you get?
All right, lambchop.
Refill the shoes...
and let's have
a little more music.
What would you like to hear now?
Would you be interested
in a nice little waltz?
"When it's
Pussy Willow Time in Picardy."
I don't think
I could do it justice.
Here's something more lively...
what you'd call a novelty.
"I'm Taking Mom
to the Junior Prom...
"'Cause She's a Better Twister
Than my Sister."
Gets you right here.
Oh, this is it. It's a ballad.
I wrote it for Zelda
when we were dating.
It means a lot to us.
Orville, are you
out of your mind?
What are you trying
to do, ruin us?
What do you mean?
I'm doing great.
I just sold him
the Italian number.
You didn't sell anything.
The broad sold it.
So get out
of the house, already.
Leave the two of them alone.
Make some excuse and beat it,
or we'll blow the whole deal.
Oh, that was Roger
from the bowling alley.
I'm afraid I've got
some bad news for you.
Bad news?
I forgot this is Saturday...
bowling night.
Why didn't you remind me, Zelda?
I'm sorry.
You see, I'm on the Climax team.
We've got this big grudge match
against Silver City.
So I'm afraid I'll have to
leave you alone.
What are you afraid of?
Nothing, really.
I'm sure you'll
look after my wife...
and she'll look after you.
Excuse me.
Something tells me
we're gonna have a ball.
Won't we, lambchop?
Oh! The way these
matches drag on...
I may be gone for hours,
so don't even wait up for me.
We'll be rooting for you.
No, darling. E flat.
Would you play it for me
before you go?
I haven't heard it
for a long time.
You don't want to miss
the first inning...
or the first chukker
or whatever you call it.
Just one chorus.
All the livelong day
And the long, long night
What do I do-oo-oo?
Dream about you-oo-oo
Felt this way the first time
you came in sight
Suddenly my gloomy old sky
turned magically bright
You'll find
we're perfect casting
You and I
With love that's everlasting
Will I leave you ever?
Never, never, never
All I live for now
is to hold you tight
All the livelong day
And the long, long night
Hey, waiteress!
Another Bloody Mary...
and drinks for everybody
in the orchestra.
Hey, fellas.
Play "Melancholy Baby."
didn't you hear me?
I said, play "Melancholy Baby."
Come on now, everybody.
Shape up!
Look, honey, don't you think
you had enough?
It's my anniversary.
I've been married
five years today.
Now, why don't you go home
and celebrate with your husband?
Oh, no. He's busy.
You know,
I could have married...
the second-most-successful
chiropractor in Carson City.
Instead, I married Orville J...
"j" for jerk... Spooner.
I think
I'm going to be sick.
Uh-huh. All right,
but not in here, honey.
Come on.
That's it. Grab her.
That's a girl.
Sick, sick, sick.
Shall I call a cab?
We can't send her home
in this condition.
Don't you know who she is?
I've seen her in church.
She's the organist's wife...
and we're in enough trouble
This way.
Where's this plane going to?
This isn't a plane.
You're in Polly's trailer.
Hello, Polly.
She's gone for the night.
You can sleep it off here.
Hang on, everybody.
Fasten your seat belts.
No chance you're taking chances
Taking me on
Believe me when this man says
Summer, spring, and fall-time
You're my one and all-time
All I live for now
is to hold you tight
All the livelong day
And the long, long night
I bet it would sound
even prettier...
with like... like twenty violins.
And a whole chorus of voices.
Well, time to go.
Go where?
Oh. Have a good time.
No, not me. You, remember?
You got a match.
Oh, sure.
No. A bowling match
against Silver City.
And don't worry about the songs.
I'll buy this one, too.
Oh, I'm sorry.
It's not for sale.
You can have "Sophia"
or any of the others.
What "Sophia"?
That Italian number
you were so crazy about.
Oh, that.
I don't think we should
talk business now.
I can see you two have different
things on your minds.
So we'll discuss it
some other time.
Like when?
Oh, the next time
I come through town...
on my way from Vegas...
if there's a detour
and if my car breaks down.
Fair enough.
I don't think
that's fair at all.
Hold it.
Orville, you better run along...
'cause it's not fair
to yourself or to your team.
My team?
Why, Barney and everybody.
You don't want
to let them down, do you?
I guess I shouldn't.
Oh, uh, you better put this on.
It gets chilly later.
She worries about me.
That's what a wife is for.
Will you be
all right, darling?
Well, of course she will.
I'll help her with the dishes
and everything.
After all, we don't want her
to have ants in the morning.
Are you sure you want
to be alone with this guy?
Look, mister, I got a job
to do, and you're in the way.
Good-bye, darling.
Come on.
Come on!
What took you so long?
I thought I'd have to
come in and drag you out.
I've been doing some thinking.
Now, before he
records that song...
his lawyers are gonna
send us a contract...
standard royalties,
a set a copy...
but we hold out...
because if we can get
another of our songs...
on the other side of the record,
that doubles our royalties.
Why let somebody else
cash in on our hit?
And if it's a big hit,
maybe he'll do the whole album.
"Dino Sings Millsap
and Spooner."
All right. So it's
Spooner and Millsap.
Who cares so long as it sells
a million copies?
Then we get a gold record.
Maybe we win a Grammy award.
Then come the personal
Ed Sullivan!
Policemen are holding
the crowds back.
Ooh! Ooh!
They're throwing
jellybeans at us.
He's got a hell of a nerve.
Does he really think
he can buy my wife for a song?
What wife? What are you
talking about?
She's not your wife.
Him and his rat pack,
they think they own the earth...
riding around in their white
chariots raping and looting...
and wearing cuffs
on their sleeves.
Orville, pull yourself together.
To them, we're just
a bunch of squares...
straight men, civilians!
Any time they want
to move in...
we're supposed to
run up the white flag...
hand over our homes
and our wives and our liquor!
Oh, no, you don't!
Forget something?
So you're helping
my wife with the dishes?
Ha! Who's washing, and who's
One thing I can't stand
is a sneaky husband.
Big Hollywood hotshot.
You think you can walk
in here and snap your fingers...
and I'll serve my wife
to you on a silver platter...
with an apple in her mouth.
Get out of here.
Orville, please!
He doesn't mean it.
You heard me.
Take it easy. E-a-z-y.
Get out of here,
or I'll throw you out.
I'm going to count to five.
One, two...
What happened
to western hospitality?
Stop it, both of you!
Are you all right? Don't
mind him.
He gets these fits
once in a while.
He just goes crazy and starts
attacking people...
milkmen and dentists
and pupils and...
Are you hurt?
Is anything broken?
No. I'm OK...
but I'm gonna have
such a headache tomorrow.
If you want action, buddy,
go to the Belly Button...
but don't try to muscle in on a
happy home.
Is my car ready?
Just about.
Look. This isn't
going to make...
any difference about the
song, is it?
I mean, you still like it?
Where is that place?
What place?
The Belly Button.
The swine.
I fixed him good.
Big idiot.
I'll say he is.
I mean you.
You fixed yourself good.
You had everything
going for you...
and you went and loused it up.
I didn't want him to think
you were a pushover.
What difference does it make?
One man more or less
in my life.
I'm Polly the Pistol, remember?
I come highly recommended
by the bartender.
Well, I'm not the bartender,
and you're not Polly...
not tonight.
Tonight, we're Mr. And Mrs.
Orville J. Spooner.
Look at this mess.
What does the "j"
stand for?
I'm sorry I asked.
Don't throw that away.
There may be a deposit on it.
All right, dear.
Cold getting worse?
It's not my cold.
It's been a long day,
hasn't it?
Yes, dear.
Coming, Mrs. Spooner?
Hey, pal. Those gorgeous
cocktail waitresses...
I heard so much about...
Yes, sir?
Where are they?
This is it.
You must be kidding.
I've seen better navels on
Take that redhead over there.
She was runner-up
to Miss Nevada.
What year? Come on, pal.
Where do you keep
the real stuff?
The most popular one
around here is Polly the Pistol.
Polly the Pistol?
You can't go wrong with her.
Fastest draw in the west.
Now you're talking.
Where is she?
Must be her night off.
Oh, that's too bad...
because I'd sure like
to shoot it out with her.
Why don't you
try the trailer?
That's where she lives,
right behind the place.
Which way?
That way?
Well, if I'm not back by
you send a posse
out after me.
Open up!
I know you're in there.
We got the place surrounded,
and I'm coming in to get you.
Who is it?
The Lone Ranger.
What do you want?
I told you. I'm lone.
I'm so lone like you
wouldn't believe.
Go away!
That's no way
to treat a customer.
Where do you keep your glasses?
Are you going to get out,
or do I have to call for help?
From what I hear, you don't
need any help, Polly baby.
you're Dino.
No names, please.
I thought I saw you
driving through town.
I didn't make it.
My car broke down.
They put me up
with some piano teacher.
Piano... Orville Spooner?
That's the joker.
What an evening.
What happened?
Ah, these amateurs, what they
won't do to sell a song.
He kept throwing his wife at me.
His wife?
Yeah. Get the scene?
I'm beginning to.
Not a bad-looking dame,
if you like home cooking...
but me, I like to eat out...
you know, Chinese one night...
a little French cuisine
and a little delicatessen
in between.
Drink up, baby.
What song did he play you?
How did you know?
Did you like it?
I need another Italian song...
like a giraffe needs
a strep throat.
Well, I think Orville has a
lot of talent.
You know him?
See him almost every night.
He's one of my regulars.
That mousy little guy
with the Beethoven on his chest?
No. He's a real swinger.
What do you think
you're doing?
No coaching from the audience.
Look. You don't understand.
This is my night off.
Well, it's my night on,
Polly, baby...
and if you're worried
about money, I tip large.
Anyway, in my opinion,
you're all wrong for it.
I'm all wrong for what?
That song.
I told Orville
he should send it...
to Bobby Darin or Elvis.
Elvis who?
I suppose you never
heard of the Beatles, either.
Oh, sure, and I can sing better
than all three of them.
There are four of them.
Oh, haven't you heard?
One of them got his hair
caught in his guitar...
and was electrocuted.
You can make jokes about
but they're young
and they're popular...
while you...
What about me?
Let's face it.
You're over the hill.
Sure do know how
to hurt a fella.
I'm sorry,
but can you imagine...
what Jack Jones
could do with that song?
Listen to me, Sophia
Have you any idea
Now look, lady.
You may have heard
a lot of singers...
but you ain't heard nothing sung
till you heard me sung it.
Oh, listen to me, Sophia
Have you any idea
How much you mean to me-a?
How much, you'll never know
Then, of course,
there's Robert Goulet.
If I'm all agitato
Every heartstring vibrato
Every kiss passionato
And Eddie Fisher.
Oh, Sophia, be mine
Sweet Sophia, be mine
Oh, Sophia, be mine
Sweet Sophia, be mine
Hey, Dino! Dino!
Well, good-bye, Mr. Spooner.
What's the matter?
I'm contemplating.
Contemplating what?
What are you talking about?
Look at me...
yesterday, a solid citizen,
a blood donor...
a signer of petitions,
and today, the way of all flesh.
Nonsense. You spent the night
with Mrs. Spooner, remember?
That's right.
Here you are.
What's that?
It's your pay.
You know, the deal
we made? Twenty-five dollars?
You wouldn't pay
your wife, would you?
But you need the money if
you're saving up for that car.
What car?
I gave up on that
a long time ago.
I'll never get out of this town.
Don't say that.
Oh, you don't have to worry.
If we ever
run into each other...
I'll pretend
I never even met you.
Nice to have met you.
I wish there were something
I could do for you.
You've done a lot.
For instance,
you cured me of my cold.
You're just in time.
I'm making coffee.
Would you like some?
Don't look so surprised.
You took my place last night,
so I took yours.
It's that simple.
Oh, then you must be Mrs...
That's right.
Where do you keep the cups?
Look. Whatever your husband did,
he did it for you.
Whatever I did,
I did it for him.
I've never stayed
in a trailer before.
It's really quite cozy.
I liked your house,
especially that big kitchen.
I made waffles this morning.
I'll bet there was no syrup.
I opened up a jar
of your preserves.
You know, it was sort of fun
being a wife for a night.
And for one night...
it was fun being
Polly the Pistol.
This belongs to you.
Five hundred dollars?
Large spender from out of town.
Why don't I ever meet
anybody like that?
I think you did...
but you were married at the
You really want
to give this to me?
I'll swap you
for that ring.
Oh, sorry. I forgot.
And if you should
find a loose navel...
floating around the house,
it's mine.
I'm not going back home.
You're not?
I'm moving in with my folks.
Maybe I shouldn't butt in...
but I think you're
making a mistake.
If I were you... and I was...
I wouldn't leave Orville.
A woman without a man is like
a trailer without a car.
You ain't going nowhere.
So when you find a good guy,
you should stick to him.
I deal with married men
all the time, the heels.
Believe me, you got
a wonderful husband.
I know that, but he'll be
an even better husband...
when I get through with him.
What was that
about a loose navel?
- Hi there, Mr. Spooner.
- Hi.
Mrs. Spooner around?
- Why?
- I was just wondering.
For the last three days,
she hasn't ordered anything...
no milk, no butter, no eggs.
Well, we've been eating out.
L... I mean,
she's been eating out.
As a matter of fact...
she's been living out
with her parents...
but it's only temporary.
Just a little
You know how it is
with married...
none of your damn business!
Oh, it's you.
Didn't I tell you
to stay away from here?
Wait a minute, Orville.
I've got a message for you.
Big genius.
"We're going to be rich,"
you said.
"Just get rid of your wife
for one night."
Well, I got rid of her,
all right. Permanently!
She doesn't want to see me.
She doesn't want to talk to me.
That's what I'm trying
to tell you.
I've got a message from Zelda.
You fat, miserable,
no-good slob!
Get lost!
What message?
So I'm a fat slob, huh?
Well, come on. Come on.
I just talked to Zelda.
She wants to see you.
- She does?
- Uh-huh.
Oh, you beautiful man!
Where? When?
8:00 tonight at her lawyer's.
Her lawyer?
Charlie Green.
You know, upstairs...
over Pringle's hardware store.
Why do you think? Divorce.
Oh, Barney, this is crazy.
I love her.
I know...
but that's the way she wants it.
Why don't you just bring me
a five-gallon can of gasoline...
and a match?
That's no way to talk...
because I'm gonna
be there, too...
as a witness.
Oh, good.
Then you can swear
how it was all your idea...
that you put me up to it.
You don't understand, Orville.
I'm going to be
a witness for her.
For her?
The way you treated
that poor girl.
You shouldn't
have done it, Orville.
I shouldn't?
Why, you fat, miserable slob.
See you at the lawyer's
at 8:00 sharp.
Zelda, before we go up there,
I've got to talk to you.
I warn you, you're not
to make any statements...
except in the presence
of your lawyer.
You shut up!
The way I treated you
was unforgivable...
but if you'll forgive me...
everything will be
different from now on.
There will be
no more jealousy...
no more suspicion,
no more cross-examining.
And your eyes are not pink.
Too little and too late.
We've drawn up a temporary
property settlement.
You get the piano...
the pictures of Beethoven,
and the classical records.
She gets the popular records,
the bed, and the love seat.
Let's go.
Zelda, remember
five years ago...
when we exchanged
wedding rings...
we promised for richer,
poorer, better, worse?
Where is your ring?
My ring? Oh, yeah.
You want to know where it is?
It's in the shower.
Slipped off,
went down the drain.
You see, I've lost a lot
of weight since you left.
What's that song
they're playing?
Stick to the subject...
the case of the missing ring.
Don't worry, Zelda.
I'll get it back.
Maybe with a string
and a piece of chewing gum...
or better yet,
we'll... we'll call a plumber.
Either that's "Sophia,"
or somebody stole it from us.
And now, the star of our show...
direct from a successful
appearance at the bar...
Listen to me, Sophia
Have you any idea
How much you mean to me-a?
How much, you'll never know
If I'm all agitato
Every heartstring vibrato
I don't understand it.
Why would he sing our song
after what I did to him?
I guess the bigger they are...
the nicer they are.
Who but you made me so?
Look at it.
It's on all twelve sets!
Twelve sets, my eye.
Thirty million people
are watching this show.
A Nielsen rating of 21.7.
Did you hear that, darling? Do
you know what this means?
I'll have Charlie Green
ask for more alimony.
- Zelda!
- Shh.
I can't hear my words.
Or from earth I resign
Oh, Sophia, be mine
Thank you. Thank you,
ladies and gentlemen.
Now, isn't it a gas, that song?
Found it myself...
and there's an interesting
story behind it.
I was on my way
back from Vegas...
and I stopped in a place
called Climax, Nevada.
Lovely little town...
and I heard one
of the natives humming a tune...
and as I drove away,
that melody kept haunting me...
you know...
so I turned around
and went back...
and there were these
two amateur songwriters...
Miller and Spoonsap,
uh, Moonsap and Spiller.
Millsap and Spooner.
Spooner and Millsap.
Well, anyway...
I stayed up all night
listening to their songs...
and tonight,
you're hearing one of them...
for the first time...
which just goes to prove...
that if you've got
what it takes...
sooner or later, somebody
will take what you've got...
Listen to me, Sophia
Have you any idea
Can we have your autographs?
This way, please.
How much, you'll never know
lmagine, just this morning,
he was checking my mother's oil.
I bet you're going to make,
like, a million dollars.
Who cares? In our bracket,
the government gets most of it.
Will you sign this for me?
Can't we try again, lambchop?
How would it look
when Barney and I...
are on "The Ed Sullivan Show"...
and he wants you
to stand up and take a bow...
and you're not in the audience?
You can always get someone to
take my place.
Who'll know the difference?
What do you mean?
Will you sign this for me?
- Me, too.
- Here.
- Me, too.
- Me, too.
Listen to me, Sophia
He's no Valentino
Have you any idea
But there's no one we know
How much you mean to me-a?
Who can love like Dino
Oh, Sophia, be mine
All the others were so-so
Skinny like a pony
Not a one amoroso
Thin as macaroni
But with you, I'm aglow
Bang, bang.
Only you I adore
She's sweeter than spumoni
She's a manicurist I met.
I had my nails done
while you were gone.
- I'm not asking any questions.
- That's right.
There's going to be
no more questions.
Here. You'd better put this on.
My ring.
When our hearts intertwine
Where did you get it?
No questions, remember?
Oh, Sophia, be mine
I must be going out of my mind.
I can't figure out any of this.
Any of what?
I mean, the ring and the song
and the car and Dino.
How would you?
When did she?
Why would he?
Kiss me, stupid.
Oh, Sophia, be mine