Land Of The Lost (2009) Movie Script
Mission control come in.
Mission control, do you read?
Mayday...
Mayday!
I'm re-entering Earth's orbit,
I seem to have fallen into...
I don't know, some kind
of tear in time and space.
My coordinates are unknown.
And is either...
Seems entrance indicate it
should be White Sands, New Mexico.
Obvious error.
Is anyone receiving this?
Recovery team!
Recovery team, fix coordinates now!
Where the hell am I?
Somebody respond!
Recovery team come back, god damn it.
Oh god, oh god.
Anyone re
-!
This is TODAY with Matt Lauer.
We're back now with Dr. Rick Marshall
whose new book arrives in stores tomorrow.
It was back in Oslo, Doctor, last month
that you just startled your colleagues,
with this theory of yours that takes
science in a completely new direction.
Quantum Paleontology.
Quantum Paleontology, that's correct.
What exactly is that?
Well it's a...not to say very
modestly...it's our very future Matt.
It's the only real solution to solving
this fossil fuel crisis we're experiencing
and it boils down to two simple words.
Renewable bio-fuels?
Close.
Time Warps.
Time Warps? You're serious about this?
I'm deadly serious.
Five years, over fifty million
dollars on my research...
You spent fifty million dollars of
your own money, studying Time Warps?
No, that's adorable.
No, tax payers' money. I don't
have fifty million dollars.
And now you're asking for more?
It's all explained, in my book.
I know we plugged the book.
My Other Car is a Time Machine.
Bantum books, Amazon...
We're living in a time right
now, with huge cuts in spend-
I saw, huge cuts in spending. -Right
We're in dire economic straights,
and you're spending fifty million
dollars on studying Time Warps?
How do you not think
that's irresponsible?
Are you smoking?
No I'm making a balloon animal here.
You can't smoke in the studio.
No one told me that.
Listen, you can't.
Fine.
There are huge huge amounts of trans
- dimensional energy out there
just waiting for us to throw the
switch, energy crisis averted.
You are asking people to stake the entire
future of industrialized civilization,
on what you call Parallel Dimensions?
What about the critics who have
a fair question doctor, they say...
This theory of yours is not
science, it is non-science,
and some even more
bluntly say it's nonsense.
How do you respond to that?
My critics?
Your critics, there are a lot of them.
Could you be more specific?
Steven Hawking.
Steven Hawking says this is
nonsense, that's his word.
You know what this interview's over.
Why?
Your producer said you
wouldn't bring that up.
It's a fair question.
No it's not, it's a hatchet job!
That was my guest Dr. Rick Marshall
his book arrives in stores tomorrow,
you might want to look for it in the
I'm out of my freakin' mind department.
When we come back, trampolines.
Summer fun or silent killer?
Ladies and gentlemen.
Esteemed colleagues.
I'll conclude with this.
Our very future depends on one thing.
Tachyons.
Sub-atomic particles that move so incredibly
fast they actually travel backwards in time.
Ask yourself, what if there was a
device that could harness these tachyons.
We could open and travel
through warps in time and space.
What's that?
Not in our lifetime?
My friends, I've designed such a device.
I give to you the Tachyon Amplifier.
Genius in a box.
Only with this device, you don't
travel forwards or backwards.
You travel sideways in time.
To another dimension where past,
present, and future all meet.
And, lights.
Alright...
Any questions?
Oh, great. Yes, you
right there young man.
Yeah, if you shot a ton of pot at the sun,
would it burn up and get everybody high?
No, no...
Are there any real questions
that pertain to science?
Do you take Cialis?
Why were you crying in the
bathroom before this presentation?
How come it looks like
you're about to cry now?
Do Dinosaurs have boobs?
That's it. That's it,
everybody out of here.
Get out of here.
Go play in the parking lot. Go run
around on the Freeway, I don't care.
I have a question.
Did you ever try to make
the Tachyon Amplifier?
Who're you?
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm Holly Cantrell, I studied
all your work at Cambridge.
I think you're brilliant.
Well, Holly from Cambridge
who thinks I'm brilliant.
I started, but I didn't finish so no.
No but you have to build
it, it's the most incredible-
What are you eating?
It's a dough nut stuffed with M&M's.
That way when you finish the dough
nut, you don't have to eat any M&M's.
But don't you see you are
absolutely right, everything-
Stop.
Chasing that theory got me laughed out
of main stream science and landed me here.
But you know what, I don't
got anyone to blame but myself.
Because as they say...
If you don't make it,
it's your own damn "vault."
That's a bitch slap
of truth right there.
If your theories are such rubbish.
Then explain this.
That fossil is over 265 million years
old with an imprint of a $10 lighter.
Go on and explain that.
I found that out in the desert along with crystals
like this that radiate pure tachyon energy.
Go on.
Explain that.
Captain Kirk's nipples...!
The tar pits will be opened in 5 minutes,
Dr. Marshall please return the page.
Dr. Marshall?
Oh god.
Are you alright?
Hey!
Up you go.
Dear...
I'm fine.
I'm okay.
I just worked late.
Then I got hungry.
Ate several meals and
lapsed into a food coma.
I've had issues with food in the past.
I don't know, you know just with the
stress of everything I just overdid it.
But I'm in control.
Now I don't have to go back to Phoenix.
I just wanted to come by,
and apologize for yesterday,
my behavior was just...
No, no, no...
You finished the Tachyon Amplifier!
No, no...I mean yes.
I-I don't know...
I finished building it yes, but...
I didn't have the nerve to test it out.
So I thought a trip to Arby's
might give me some courage, no dice.
But I hit Popeyes, Del Taco...
Fourteen thousand calories later.
I found myself down at Subway.
Powering through a 12
inch veggie on whole wheat.
Battling to come out a "Jared."
Still didn't give me the
strength to turn that thing on.
I'm a coward.
You are not a coward,
you're a visionary.
This is probably the greatest work
of genius in the last hundred years.
Is that a chorus line?
It's left over data from the drive.
What a piece of crap!
The machine I mean
Not a chorus line.
I love show tunes, they really tell
the story of the human condition.
It's a bit gay.
It is great.
Right.
Dr. Marshall you're going to
stop selling yourself short,
you're on the verge of a
major discovery, now get up!
Whoa, where are we going?
We're going to test this
little device, in the field.
Are you crazy? I'm not
prepared for a field test!
No, I'm not going to make a big deal
out of it just a routine expedition.
A routine expedition?
Purely routine.
Here, here it is. This is
where I found the fossil.
The Devil's Canyon mystery cave.
This dump is a portal?
Would you look at these readings?
We just gotta get back in that cave.
No problem, the place
is obviously abandoned.
Not exactly.
What's your pleasure?
I got Roman Candles, Bottle Rockets,
Twitter Glitters, Dancing Butterflies?
This little bitch right here
I call the Mexican Vasectomy.
Yeah?
Okay, that's some bad taste.
How 'bout this?
This is a little travel mug I
like to call, the perfect woman.
Big ol' set of boobies,
no head and a handle.
Look we want to go in the cave, alright?
Okay, how about this.
Ya'll spend $30 on crap,
I'll give you a deluxe tour.
It all goes to a great cause.
The Devil's Canyon Resort & Casino!
Wow, that's nice craft.
Seven thousand
luxuriously appointed rooms
Three casinos.
One convention center.
Ass-tons of parking.
And when everything is complete,
I will turn the tip of this golden
tee-pee into my personal lair.
And I will take a mate, and live
the rest of my life with her up here.
When we fight, and she pisses me
off, I will banish her to this tip,
where she will be kept
as a prisoner and a slave.
So you gonna buy anything?
Yeah, fine.
Hey Earn, taking these guys
to the cave. Watch the store.
Close your mouth while you're
breathing like we talked about.
Making everybody over here feel wierd.
Prepare to meet your darkest fears inside
the depths of the Devil's Canyon mystery cave!
Rule number one, keep your
arms and legs inside the boat.
Rule number two, have
a kick ass awesome time!
But be warned...
You may get wet.
I'm sorry, may?
Actually, I need to know
this equipment cannot get wet.
Not you, Mary Poppins
Bam-chica-wow-wow...
Say that again, and I'll drown you.
Good to go!
Woo, cave ride begins!
Woo!
They all just say this old cave is a hundred
years old and holds a thousand mysteries.
Or is it thousand years
old, and a hundred mysteries.
Well that my friends, is
just one of the mysteries.
Say what you will my man, as a showman.
Without a doubt.
This cave is most infamous for the
legend of the Devil's Canyon lizard man.
He's been seen around these
parts since the pilgrim times.
Snapping his claws, hissin,
tryin' to eat people up.
Lurking about in the dark
dark shadows of this very cave.
But those are just legends, aren't they?
Aren't they?!
Are you asking us?
No, no.
Earnie! Aren't they?
Here it comes, Will!
Oh god!
The lizard man!
You're paying for that.
I most definitely am not.
You know I'm sitting here trying to
give you guys a really awesome adventure,
and you guys are giving
me nothing in return!
I got the gloves on,
the hat, the pageantry!
Holly, I'm getting a
strong Tachyon reading!
I think I can boost the hell out
of this signal with a resonant wave!
Go for it!
You guys don't even care.
No no, there are no
showtunes on this ride!
Something's happening!
Is this part of the ride?!
Nah, this ain't me!
It's an earthquake!
Greatest earthquake ever known!
Marshall, I think you should turn it up!
The meter!
We're moving!
This isn't me, this isn't me!
Why are we moving so fast?!
Do I look like I know what's going on?!
What's that sound?!
Is there a waterfall in here?!
Hell no dude, this
isn't even a real stream!
It's industrial run off of the
soap factory down the street!
What is that?!
Oh shit!
This is not a routine expedition!
Reverse!
It's beautiful!
I gotta say I did not see that coming.
Earnie! You bastard!
That was way too fast.
Earnie!
Too fast!
Marshall!
I think you should
come and look at this!
Do you realize what this means?!
Yes!
It means...
Matt Lauer can suck it!
Holly, are you rolling? -Yes!
That was a viking ship and a-
Shut up just shut up!
Okay, currently in our party...
Me, Dr. Rick Marshall.
Doctoral candidate Holly Cantrell and some trashy
tailer park reject who smells of malt liquor and feet.
I'm standin' right here!
I was right!
Holly, right here!
Just as I predicted we have been...
We've fallen through a time portal from our Earth,
to another dimension where past, present and future,
are all mashed up together!
How the hell did this happen?
My Tachyon Amplifier,
that's how it happened!
You mean that shitty boombox
pumpin' showtunes? -Yes, it worked!
Where the hell is it?
Okay, minor set back.
My tachyon amplifier, which undoubtedly will be
the only possible way for us to open a doorway home.
Is nowhere to be seen.
What the hell was that?
I have no idea but let's go find out!
Primates!
I heard they had the posture of an
Australopithecy but it's actually quite-
No, no, no...shut up!
I will not let you ruin this moment, I waited
my entire life to see the mighty big foot!
Man, are you touching yourself?
Marshall, look!
Oh my god!
Tool construction!
Tool construction!
Yea! They're gonna kill him!
No!
Okay you egg heads you follow my lead.
I know just how to
party with these guys.
You little monkey bastards!
Prepare to bow down and worship me!
For behold, ye' Troglodytes...
I command the power of...fire!
Will, that's not a good idea.
How do you like me now huh?
You want to disco dance you-
Ouch! Son of a bitch...!
Well done.
You've just now given murderous
primitives the power of fire.
It's alright.
It's alright don't be frightened.
We're friends.
Friends.
Careful Holly.
Come on.
Come on!
Come on.
There we go.
I spent 3 years at the
Manchester Primate House.
I'm recognizing their
very primitive language.
Now..
Me? Holly.
Yes, Holly!
Holly.
Me? Holly...
You?
Cha-ka?
Cha-ka!
No, Holly...Cha-ka!
Wi-ill...
Will...
Good work Holly.
Let me take over from here.
Greeting Cha-ka!
Cha-ka?
I'm Dr. Rick Marshall.
Doctor Rick...Marshall?
Okay?
Let's take a look at that ankle.
Does that sound good?
Keep in mind Cha-ka, although I'm a
doctor, I'm not a licensed physician.
Okay? Just going to take a little look-
How dare you! How dare you!
I mean you no harm!
Marshall, Marshall!
Don't you run from me you little shit!
Now you're dead!
Damn it Chaka!
Now was that necessary?
Marshall! Marshall,
wait stay where you are.
What was that?
Look he was never in any danger, okay?
Cha-ka! Friend!
Safety! Safety!
Safety!
Holly, tell him.
Marshall?
Marshall...
Haboo! Haboo!
Haboo?
Haboo.
Well that's more like it.
Holly what did you tell him?
I think I told him that you're a
great chief, and you're very powerful.
And I think he's pledging
his life long loyalty to you.
That's hardly necessary
my little friend.
But I will honor your customs.
And you may serve me.
In return I will be a fair
but very strict master.
What?!
What is wrong with you people?!
That sand dune swallowed us!
I mean could you all please stop act
like this doesn't happen everyday?
You're starting to make
me feel really stupid!
Okay, hold on. Let's gather ourselves.
Take a deep breath in.
Fortunately...
I've been in this exact
situation...three times before.
When?!
When have you ever
been in this situation?!
I've never been in
this situation before!
Just tryin' to keep up morale!
Oh god...
I sure hope that was a Coyote.
Good god, it's a feeding station!
If anyone knows about
meal presentation, it's me.
Oh god, oh god!
Grab hands!
Create some momentum and
swing over to that tree.
Extension!
Reach!
Good form everyone!
Working in concert!
Don't be afraid to point the toe!
One more!
One more should do it!
Everybody move out!
Cha-ka, your master
commands you to-
Bad Cha-ka!
Your loyalty is now in question!
That was a Dinosaur?
T-Rex!
Definitely in predator mode!
Would you hurry up,
you're slowing us down!
Why are you wearing high heels!
They're not high heels, they're
my Floor Shine Zipper Boots!
Why are you wearing Floor
Shines on a field expedition!
I told you I was no prepped
to go into the field.
Wait, wait! We need a photo!
Nice field skills, Holly!
Stand over there!
What?!
This is proof that I'm
right and I want photos.
Stand there we need you for scale!
Scale?!
Marshall, do we to
turn on Red-Eye feature?
Yes! His eyes do look red.
Jesus Christ, just take the picture!
Okay just stand still!
-Stand still please.
One, two, three...
Fantastic, run!
Run like hell!
Where the hell's the monkey?
Look!
Cha-ka's waiting for us at
the other end of the bridge!
Good Cha-ka, your master is pleased!
Marshall!
It really looks like he's just
trying to destroy the bridge.
Chaka, wait!
Master not pleased!
It's okay, he can't cross he
has terrible depth perception.
Thinks this chasm is
a million miles long.
He's not what you'd call an athlete.
Mister T-Rexes.
See?
Walking away in utter,
and helpless defeat.
After all their brain
is the size of a walnut.
Their sense of smell may be acute, but eye
sight, hearing, all of his higher functions,
completely compromised by
that walnut sized brain pan.
I mean forget about the Polish.
It's the T-Rexes who were
the real dummies of the world.
In fact Chaka, funny story...
Run!
Follow the monkey!
He's looking at you, Marshall.
He's watching you.
He's looking at everyone.
No I'm certain he's looking at you.
He is grumpy.
I think that's what we
should call him, Grumpy.
It's a cute name.
Is it gone?
Yeah.
Pussy!
What a puss...
This'll work just fine.
We'll call this base camp.
No, no...we cannot stay here!
Bad things happen in caves
folks, watch your movies!
Guys, can we just please take a
minute to absorb this, I mean...
We must be, the first ones to ever step
foot in this world, it's incredible!
Oh god, we're screwed.
No, no!
Chaka, no...No!
Okay you know what?
I don't want Chaka sleeping
in the cave tonight.
Whoa! Not cool dude.
No, it's a reasonable
precaution alright?
He was just about to be executed, and I think
he might've done something to deserve it.
Hey my man is right here.
Obviously he has feeling, okay?
Doesn't have feelings!
Man, come on look at him he's adorable.
He's a little cuddle machine.
What?
Yeah, least you can do
is let him defend himself.
I don't speak monkey.
Anyhow...do you?
No I didn't think so.
Here let me try.
Chaka?
He says he's a prince
amongst his people.
And the victim of a treacherous
plot to steal his throne.
And the only thing he's
ever guilty of was...
Is love.
Brother, give me a break.
And he's been treated far too harshly
for the very simple crime of...
Pooping in the village well.
That's why you're not
sleeping in the cave.
I can't tell anymore.
Okay mister...
Silently
- Fuck you!
Whoa, hold on! Where
you going with that?
I'm just gonna block the first point-of-egress
here so that we're not vulnerable.
No...no...
Bless your heart.
Classic, tender foot mistake.
Don't beat yourself up over it.
Here's the thing.
Never put anything near the mouth
of the cave to draw attention to us.
Did you not just see that we drew the attention
of a highly intelligent psycho Dinosaur?
Look I think the "Ph.D" after my name means
I know a little something about Dinosaurs?
Dinosaurs are creatures
of brute instinct.
Like I said before it's got
a brain the size of a walnut!
Okay? You got me?
A walnut.
What's that?
What's that?!
Sweet Gregor Mendel...
What? What is it?
It's a walnut.
Well, obviously this
is between you and him.
Day 2, 0600...Zulu time.
Did not sleep last night at all.
Not one bit.
Still no sign of the tachyon
amplifier our...our only way home.
Field rations are...are
running dangerously low.
Thusly, I've made the determination that
if need be, if faced with starvation...
we will cook and eat...Chaka.
I've been thinking about
this a lot actually.
If Chaka meat were the secret ingredient
on Iron Chef, I'm sure Bobbly Flay would,
probably serve it with a roasted
red peppers, and a dash of cumin.
And a braze of polenta.
Wouldn't be an easy thing to do but...
but if you slow roast the little guy I'm sure
that Chaka meat would just fall right off the bone.
Fruit train coming through!
Fantastic! I'm absolutely starving.
Which fruit shall I-
Whoa, hold on a second there Holly.
I don't recognize that
genus of succulent.
Perhaps the native
inhabitant can help us.
Chaka?
Rick Marshall!
Chaka!
Are they safe?
To eat?
Eat? Eat..eat?
Eat!
Eat, eat?
Thank you Chaka!
Thank you so much, for listening to me.
Sorry for doubting you my little friend.
Has a pungent flavor, smells good!
Very meaty-
Jesus Chaka!
What the hell?!
Friends?
Friends?
Well? Yes, technically I guess.
However I am your master.
We have entered into a verbal contract.
You need to understand that.
Holly, quick to the cave mouth.
Sentry positions!
Looks like a plasma discharge.
Or maybe beta-rays!
Marshall?
Marshall!
Marshall?
Help...
Me...
Please...
I will.
Marshall?
Marshall, where are you going?
Someone or something knows we're here.
It's in my head calling to me.
Get back Holly!
What are you doing?!
I've seen this before!
He's got the jungle madness!
We gotta put him down while
he's still has some dignity left!
Chaka, let's roll!
What?!
You see?
This is the place!
A beacon!
A transmitter!
What the hell?!
Stop it!
Well I'll be...
I guess you weren't crazy.
Okay...
I'm man enough to say that's my bad.
Wow, has incredible architecture...almost
like the almanac culture of Western America.
Reminds me of the prudential building.
I'll bet somebody's
growing weed in here.
Feel that?
That ambient energy?
Just like at Devil's Canyon.
Yeah, tachyon radiation.
Marshall, the meter can't be far.
Finally something cool huh?
What, no reaction?
You guys have seen that before
too I take it huh? In your lab...
What's this thing?
Maybe this is where ancient
ancestors hosted the latin Grammy's.
Just picture Santana
hauling this sucker around.
It vibrates.
I wouldn't touch that alright.
Do you believe in life after love!
That is so dumb and childish.
Do you believe in life after love!
Will could you please be quiet,
Dr. Marshall needs silence.
I can feel something inside me say
I really don't think
you're strong enough, no!
Really feel it in my forearms.
Yeah, you usually have to
pay for something like this.
Holly you should sit on this.
What?
What is it Chaka?
What'd you say?
What's he saying?
I don't know if this is anything
I've ever learned...Sarisa?
Sarisa Taka?
Chorizo Tacos?
Are you saying Chorizo Tacos?
Don't play around
because I am super hungry.
Sarisa
-?
What the hell does that mean?
Well...
I'm afraid we'll never know.
Okay...
Oh shit it's not Chorizo Tacos.
No immediate danger,
cold blooded and slow.
I repeat, no immediate danger.
Would you stop that?! Please!
You are freaking me out!
They're everywhere!
Just like zombies!
That's how zombies get you! Volume!
We're all gonna die!
Like hell...
I'm gonna take at least one
of these bastards with me,
even if you have to choke
to death on my skull!
What you want some too do you?
What are you guys doing?!
One second...
What in the hell?
Get in!
Wait stand down Holly.
Hang on...
Hang on I think we're safe.
They don't seem to be able to
make it through the entrance.
Thank god for that.
That one keeps peering into my soul.
This is just fantastic.
Now we're just going to stand in here
and suffocate in this tiny little...
Huge...
Thingy...
Wow that is an efficient use of space.
Like Snoopy's dog house.
Look, there's a gold one.
Let's stomp his head in.
Do not fear me.
I am Enik
The Altrusian.
Thank Vindok you've come
to my aid Rick Marshall.
You know me?
Of course.
Even in the farthest reachest of the
universe we've seen your Matt Lauer video.
I am a prisoner in
this Land of the Lost.
Only you can help me escape.
The fate of the universe depends on you.
Well...
Thats very flattering...Enik.
But I think you've found the wrong guy.
No Rick Marshall, I have summoned you here
specifically to help me stop an evil mad man who
has already conquered my world.
And now plans to conquer yours.
His name is...
The Zarn.
I am the Zarn, heed my
warning or be destroyed.
The Zarn became obsessed with using the power
of these crystals to conquer the universe.
If he is not stopped he will
open a doorway to your world,
and lead his army of Sleestak on
a rampage across time and space.
He must be stopped.
Enik...
Buddy...
I'm a scientist, you're a scientist.
I think together you and
I could figure this out.
You mustn't touch the crystals!
Wrong manipulation of the crystals
could turn time and space inside out.
What do you need from us?
The Zarn lacks only one
thing to enact his evil plan.
A device to amplify tachyons and
unleash the full power of the crystals.
Well Marshall has created a device
that isolates tachyon interference.
Yeah I did that.
Of course, with tachyon particles focused
along the proper temporal vector...
...a stable passage way could be opened
to any point in the space time continuum.
You and I are so smart.
Rick Marshall, I knew
instantly you could help me.
Thank you.
You are a truly advanced intellect.
I don't know how you
manage amongst these others.
I don't know how I do it
either, I really don't!
Excuse me?!
You have this tachyon amplifier?
I lost it on the way in, I don't
know where...it could be lost in time.
On the contrary I detect it nearby.
It...
Strange...
I cannot precisely pin
point its location it...
...moves.
Leave it to us.
If it's out there.
We'll find it.
Not so fast amigo.
Little rule I live by.
Never trust a dude in a tunic.
You live by that rule?
Yes.
It's never led me astray.
Come on Enik, are you
well enough to travel?
No, my place is here in the pylon.
I must protect the crystals.
If you wish to return home these crystals
are the doorway. Your device is the key.
Find it before the Zarn does.
Bring it to me, and rescue us all.
Rescue the uni-verse.
Alright everyone gather around.
Let's go, chop chop.
Hustle up.
Marshall did you just make that?
Yeah, I'm a bit of a
miniatures enthusiast.
It's very impressive.
Thank you.
Yeah well I see some
obvious scaling issues...
I think its pretty damn good.
Alright.
We are here.
As you can see desert, forest...
What's this look like?
The cave.
That's the cave, that's
where we're living.
Standard volcano.
Okay?
Now, I will tether Will to
this hot air balloon right here.
Okay, it will be fitted with
a crude tachyon reflector array
that I fashioned out of a thermal
blanket and cell phone charger.
I don't remember ever
volunteering for that.
Holly!
You and I will follow Will's directions as he
searches for the tell-tale ping of the missing,
and still presumably
operational tachyon meter.
Oh god, he's close.
I've taken care of that.
During the course of my professional
career I've done extensive research with,
reptiles and various birds of
prey of which Dinosaurs are.
Well that's disputable.
Please be quiet.
They have a very acute sense of smell.
Now, while I gathered this strictly for
genetic research to be used upon our return,
I think it would prove
wise to use this now.
Hadrosaur urine.
We're going to cover our-
Whoa, wait.
What is that?
Hadrosaur urine.
How'd you get that?
Well while you are sleeping,
I'm out gathering research.
Okay?
This was to be used
for genetic engineering.
And I was going to write a
report on kidney function.
But now it'll just be
camouflage, we'll all blend in.
Okay? So...
We will cover ourselves-
I'm sorry, so sorry.
I'm just trying to figure this out.
So you've been gathering urine?
Yes, what's the problem?
That means you stood under
a dino dung, with a bucket.
If you want to be technical and reduce
it to it's basis element...yes I was.
How'd that work out for you?
Are you honestly asking me?
Yeah.
It's very peaceful.
Just a little bit like fly fishing.
Just out there in the night air still
calm, and then zing you get a big catch.
Okay so, we'll cover our bodies in urine, and
we'll be virtually undetectable to all Dinosaurs.
Here they come, should've
thought of this a long time ago.
That's refreshing.
Make sure to ingest some
get that in the blood stream.
Don't do that.
Okay, whose next?
Really?
It's not that bad.
Just starting to burn my eyes a
little bit did not plan for it.
It get's up in the nostrils
too, you do not want that.
That's early morning stuff.
That is strong.
Maybe a second splash will
reduce some of the effects.
Immediately made it worse.
Where's my laser pointer? Nevermind.
We will probably have to be doing...
Whose that?
Maybe we should just follow him.
Nice model though.
Yeah fine, let's forget my model
and let's follow the monkey.
Shut up Chaka!
Are we there yet?
You find this funny Chaka?
This is the damn Bhutan
death march out here.
My god...
Absolutely incredible.
This must be the main
entry point into this world.
It's like...a cosmic lost and found.
Wow look at all this
kick ass shit to steal.
This is like the world's greatest mall.
Yeah, Will, it's just like a mall.
The only thing it's
missing is a food court.
Compsognathus! Look how they move!
Where all these little
chupacabres going to?
I'll tell you where they're going to.
Our raft, tachyon meter can't be far.
Our raft? That's my raft.
Get away from there!
Stop pecking at my raft!
There's your food court.
Ice cream...
Hey! What're you doing?
What? I'm gonna poney up and
get Chaka a cone, it's his first.
No there's a reason those
Dinosaurs hang out there, they know.
They know what?
It's feeding time.
Tyrannosaurus female!
We're in luck.
These large predators are extremely territorial,
virtually nothing will distract them from each other.
Oh crap balls.
Whaddya know?
This is one of those situations where
dumping piss on your head's a bad idea.
Run!
Wait Chaka!
Lead your master to safety!
Chaka no!
Why?!
You're a little asshole Chaka!
Spread out! It'll confuse them!
Try running in serpentine patterns!
He's incapable of
rapid forward direction!
Serpentine everyone!
Serpentine!
Serpentine!
Serpentine!!
No! Serpentine!
Serpentine!!
Son of a kid!
Hey Marshall, you ever
get tired of being wrong?
I do, I really do! I'm so tired!
Get on your horse Rick Marshall!
Fascinating but terrifying!
No!
Marshall!
Still here!
I hope you're taping this!
I got it!
I don't want to die in a hummer!
A massacre...
Gross!
Set the catapult!
What?!
Set the catapult!
What?!
Set the fuckin' catapult!
This thing?!
Catapult! Now!
No no, take her that way! Go that way!
Just do it!
Come on!
How the hell do you set a catapult!
I don't know, just turn it!
One!
Two!
Three!
Crank that thing!
Oh no!
Crank that mother!
I'm coming in hot!
Keep going!
Put your back into it!
The package has arrived.
What's the package?
It's a canister of refridgerant.
Now!
I did not expect that.
Gay showtunes!
Cassie...Beebe.
Tachyon meter!
Oh that blows.
That...
BLOWS...
Marshall?
What're you doing?
I'm giving up.
It feels good.
But what about finding our way home?
Validation for your life's work, you just
going give that all up just to lie here.
No no of course not.
Lying here is just
phase one of the plan.
It's phase two that
gets me really excited.
It involves adjusting the angle of my recline,
and putting this hand halfway down my pants.
Deceptively simple yet elegant.
Yeah, I tried.
I failed.
And you know what, once
again it's my own vault.
You mean fault.
No, I actually mean vault.
It's from a poster with
a pole vaulter on it.
That's really freaking stupid man.
I can't believe I'm hearing this.
Any scientist in his
right mind wouldn't give-
Initiating phase two.
Do you know how I first heard about you?
As a joke.
First year at Cambridge we used to email your
little appearance with Matt Lauer around for a laugh.
I mean as you tube hall of fame moments
goes, it was Matt Lauer versus Marshall,
and then that monkey
pissin' in his own face.
In that order.
But I wasn't laughing.
Because I fascinated. I saw a man who was willing to
swim dangerous waters for the sake of his need to know.
I took that to heart Dr. Marshall, I've committed myself
to your theories and I got tossed out of Cambridge for it.
For my theories, you
threw your future away?
Yeah that's what everyone told me.
But I didn't believe it, not 'til now.
Have you seen this monkey video?
Yeah, I've seen it about a dozen times.
God bless the internet.
Come on Chaka.
Let's work on our mission statement.
How's it going?
What's wrong little guy, you okay?
Lady troubles?
Tell me about it.
This obviously stays
between me and you but...
I'm coming up on a 6 year dry spell.
He says that he misses his
tribe, it's a beautiful existence
They're carefree and nomadic,
and live where the food lives.
Just like me.
I moved "tres" times just to
be closer to a Ruby Tuesdays.
Continue.
Their women wait on the men,
serve in all their needs.
I'm liking this, continue.
They're ugly, but they make up
for it in nice personalities.
He says as prince of his tribe he personally
is served by a heron of 7,000 women.
Wow, not bad little dude.
And they bring him all
accruements of food, and-
Yeah, you get the idea
I'm not translating that.
Any room around that
fire for a jerk like me?
Thought you gave up?
I did.
I gave up on giving up.
Sat out there for a long time.
Just me, my shame and
this little 4 string.
I've had a change of heart.
Tried too long and hard to think
something to say to you guys.
Well, I realized there
wasn't anything to say.
But maybe...
Just maybe...
There's something I could sing.
No really it's alright-
Marshall...Will and Holly...
On a routine expedition.
Met the greatest earthquake ever known.
That's all I got.
That's fine.
Apology accepted.
Thanks, you guys are being so generous.
Really appreciate it, I
think the healing has begun.
Met the greatest
earthquake ever known...
High on the rapids.
It struck their tiny raft.
That's good.
And plunged them down-
I'm so tired.
A thousand feet below.
I'm feeling weak.
Really bushwacked.
Anyway here's how I end it, a
little arpeggio nothing fancy.
Guys, I'm sleepy.
The Land...
Land...of the Lost-
I'm so tired!
What happened?
You had a bug on you.
But it's gone now.
Oh okay.
Alright everyone!
Rise and shine.
Listen up, it's a new day.
Yes we've had a set back.
Yes it is tempting to
stay on this world and die.
But thats not how a new Marshall rolls.
You hear me?
Not by a damn sight.
This isn't hands down
the pants Marshall.
Alright?
This is a Gordon on 2 pints of Ben & Jerry's and
a whole spiral cut ham while watching not one,
but two Mama's Family reunion Marshall.
Uh-Uh!
He's gone.
Here's the deal.
Enik's counting on us.
The whole world is counting on us.
If we have any hope of returning home we need to
take back that tachyon meter, and take it back hard.
That means climbing.
Hours of arduous
climbing up sheer cliffs.
Not tomorrow.
Not in a few hours.
But right now!
Understood?
Yeah.
Understood Will?
Hmm?
Let's move out you panzies.
Hey! This is not a race.
Okay?
What the hell?
Teradachtyl eggs incubating
all over her lair.
There's your shitty boombox.
Across a sea of thin volcanic glass.
Okay Will, what you're gonna want to
do is evenly distribute your weight,
at the same time keep
an eye out for the eggs.
Hey, Will?
I know you're faking.
Okay, Chaka!
Chaka!
Come on.
Fine.
Maybe I'll need to listen to the words of a group
of young kids words trying to make it on stage.
God I hope I get it.
I hope I get it.
Marshall?
Be careful.
I'm up!
I'm up I got this.
Oh Marshall, you got it.
Do me a favor?
Just keep an eye on the mother okay?
You mustn't change the surface
temperature of the eggs,
any drop of sweat could
activate hatching process.
I got it.
I got it!
They're hatching!
Why are they hatching?!
The music!
It must be like a lullaby.
God I hope I get it!
I hope I get it!
How many people does he need?
God I hope I get it!
I hope I get it!
How many boys, how many girls?
Look at all the people!
At all the people!
How many people does he need?
How many boys, how many girls?
How many people does he-
I really need this job.
Please God I need this job.
I've got to get this job!
I'm gonna miss this place
that proves I was right.
Oh drink?
Drink, yes!
That is delicious and refreshing.
Sweet and sour like Chinese food.
He's saying it's a celebratory
drink in his village.
Cheers!
It brings a joyful lightness
to the heart and soul.
No, I'm sorry its not joyful lightness.
A better translation would
be, howling loneliness.
And then your bravery will
be tested and your mind folds.
And the shadow hats will rise from their
graves and hold you in an icy embrace.
And it'll feel like...your
bowels being pierced.
By a ghost serpent.
Well that can't be right.
No, that can't be right.
Chaka, maki rishu...dong doh?
Oh okay, so it's not ghost serpent.
It's much much closer to zombie dick.
I think it might be a narcotic.
Is that so?
Need you to be honest with me okay?
Are you a cop?
That's not an answer Chaka.
That's your name.
Seriously, by law you have to
tell me if you're an officer.
Marco -Polo
You wearing a wire?
Marco -Polo
Hello!
Hot coffee.
I need food.
Marshall!
Yeah?
Fruit me buddy!
Chaka?
I owe you an apology.
Okay, I...
I'm a guest in your land.
A guest who came unannounced, uninvited.
I've treated you like a toilet.
A toilet!
I want to make it up to you.
Because the love I feel for
you, I'm not exaggerating...
Is a billion times greater than the love
for mankind that Jesus felt on the cross.
You can take that to the bank.
I'm so glad you guys squashed that.
I love you guys so much.
You guys are amazing.
I don't ever want to go home.
No.
This is just like Sandal's resort.
Just good people, a lot of good food.
Good times.
I want to make this my life.
I'm just gonna make
- ...be here all the time.
Hey hey!
You're funny Chaka!
He's hilarious!
You're funny.
His jokes are disgusting.
You're funny.
Hey for real though?
How much money would I have to pay
ya'll to french kiss each other?
For real?
Totally real!
For real, for real?
Totally, in his mucky mouth.
Hey if it doesn't leave the three
of us, I'll do for free right now.
It's not gonna leave here.
I'd do it right now.
Let me see it.
Kiss him.
It doesn't leave the three of us?
No dude, I won't tell anybody.
Who am I gonna tell?
Why don't you kiss him?
I'm gonna do it!
Come here!
You guys are gross!
I don't wanna do it!
I don't want to do it!
I've changed my mind!
Dinosaur eggs!
Dinosaur poo...
This is the Zarn!
Heed my warning or be destroyed!
We're just trying to get home!
Enik the Altrusian has
escaped our custody!
He's over taken the central
pylon and the crystals.
And now plans to lead his army of Sleestak
on a rampage, across time and space!
If you're hearing this, heed
my warning. Do not believe-
No! Enik! No!
The Zarn?
I've gotta go and warn the-
Holly?
Holly...?
They've taken Holly.
Chaka!
I've got a mission for you.
Now listen closely.
I don't know what that means.
Just come on!
Oh man.
Sentries, classic hive behavior.
Obviously on patrol.
Just like drones tirelessly hunting.
Dude, it looks like they're
gettin' ready to make out?
No. No.
He's about to tap that ass!
Would you shut up?
He's not about to tap that ass.
Oh you're right.
He's totally tapping that ass.
Yeah wow...Our own little private show.
Oh god, they shed.
Hi.
Hey don't do that.
Just focus.
We find you guilty, for providing
assistance to Enik the Altrusian.
There she is!
Prepare the meet the Sleestak god!
Stop!
Marshall!
Do not interfere!
Dude, what the hell are you doing?
This one was caught trying to
deliver a tachyon device to Enik!
You want Holly? You've
gotta deal with us!
No, Marshall don't.
Because we're all friends of Enik!
Enik the Altrusian is guilty of the
destruction of an entire civilization.
Entire what now?
Convicted of his crimes, he was
sentenced to 10,000 years imprisonment.
What?
And made to wear a tunic
as a symbol of his deceit.
Told you dude, tunic.
As his allies, you shall die as well.
Sieze them!
Marshall!
Hold on!
Wait!
Wait a minute, our working relationship.
I wanted to do that
since I first met you.
You mean we could've been
doing this the whole time?
Yeah, but I was worried it wouldn't be
professional and distract you from your work.
No, no...not distracting.
Never distracting.
Are you guys kidding
me? Come on! Really!
Now is the time for this?
You know he's-
He's right, we've got to stop Enik!
Right now he has the upper hand.
I know we...
have the element of surprise but...
Yeah about that...
What?
We sent Chaka to go get him.
Well then.
Rick Marshall.
Coming here represents a slight
adjustment to my plans but no matter.
I have what I need.
And it's all thanks
to you, Dr. Marshall.
And this!
Don't! We're out gunned.
My Sleestack stand prepared.
With the power of the
crystals they are my slaves.
My conquering army.
Thanks to your device.
I can lead an invasion force anywhere
I choose, in all of time and space.
But I believe I'll
begin with your Earth.
My Sleestak's reproduce rather quickly.
Yeah we already caught
some of that action.
In merely weeks, your world will
be overrun by their scaly offspring.
And left standing in the
cinders of your civilization.
I'll be sure to give you
full scientific credit.
I know how important that is to you.
Now save your strength.
You'll need it.
You'll need it?
What is it?
Marshall?
Oh great.
Right, you run and I'll
distract him he's not after me.
No, I'm not running.
This ends here.
Marshall, what are you doing?
Maybe what I was always meant to do.
Now just go, I'll meet
you at the pylon, I hope.
No we're not leaving without you.
Go!
Get out of here, I don't love you!
Go!
Marshall!
Get!
You're ugly!
Look, if you're gonna do
this for real take this.
Got some high powered fireworks
in here that might come in handy.
Are you kidding me?
You mean you've been carrying a bag of
fireworks around with you this whole time?
There's literally a dozen situations
where we could've used these.
He's right, none of that
is important now okay?
Listen...
I gotta be straight with
you bro, I misjudged you.
I thought you were just a...
...dumbass dude who dressed
stupid, but I'm wrong.
You're solid.
Thick or thin, I will follow you
into battle at anytime, you hear me?
Absolutely anytime.
Okay! How about now?
Like, right now?
Yeah.
Honestly?
I didn't really expect you to
call the favor in this soon.
So, on this one unfortunately
I'm gonna have to say no.
But I think it's gonna be awesome for you
for personal growth just to hit this one solo.
I'm gonna be rootin' for ya.
Okay?
Trenches bro.
It's all about love.
Okay?
After this time.
I'm there for you, okay?
Anytime after now.
He's your man, not me.
Alright, it's a fact.
You and I don't like each other.
Only one will remain.
Just gonna have to fight
you at your own game.
Damn you're quick, it's
because you're a dinosaur!
But, you don't carry
around these, do you?
Welcome to the big
bang theory my friend!
Stupid...
You're cornered man, there's no way out!
There's always a way out!
Because if you don't make it...
It's your own damn vault.
My god! He's going to do it!
Do it! Do it!
God!
Can't believe it.
Hey!
Yeah, you!
You bastard!
Do you realize who you just ate, do you?
Probably the most brilliant man ever.
Probably the only man
who ever really knew you.
Alright, so he was wrong about the size of your
brain but you don't go and eat a man for that,
you reason with him you stupid idiot!
He was your future!
He was my future!
And I'm never going to get a chance
to tell him that because of you!
It's cool, it's cool!
Right!
Now we must get home,
we're gonna get back,
and we're gonna tell the world
what Rick Marshall did here today.
Come on you big green bastards!
I am sick and tired of you
slow moving little wankers!
Will!
Alright little dude, let's do this.
Lock and load!
Want some of this?
Eat Chaka! Eat!
Will!
Step, step and lift!
Alright my murderous
friend take us home.
Bite that guy right there!
That's him...
That's him!
Oh god that's the coolest
thing I've ever seen.
Would it be cool if he slides down Grumpy's
tail just like Fred Flinstone would do-
Oh god, I've lived.
I have lived.
Come on it tickles.
Marshall!
What happened?
We thought you had died.
Died?
That was just a minor set back.
Okay let's go home.
No, this is insane we saw you
go down Grumpy's cake hole.
What did he puke you out or something?
No, its not possible
the...the T-Rex's lacking-
Not important right now.
I'm okay, and that's it.
This is messed up.
Look I'd really rather
not talk about it.
Now...
Let's light this candle.
No, Marshall...how did you get out?
I will talk to you about it later!
Individually to each one
of you, I'll explain it.
Oh geez...
Would you grow up?
Oh my God!
Yes, he pooped me out!
Now you guys are friends?
Well, I was making my way through his bowels
I must've dislodged some intestinal blockage,
and yes he's in a much better mood now.
So, can we move on?
I really would like to go home.
You were dueced out by a
Dinosaur, that is incredibly cool.
Grumpy listen...
When you talk about
this, and you will...
Please be gentle...okay?
That makes us best buds now.
Don't worry about it, it's
hard with your visidual arm.
Let's go guys.
To freedom!
Thank you Dr. Marshall.
And now the doorway opens.
Enik!
It's over.
You're not going anywhere.
You think you can challenge me?!
I wrestled at Purdue!
JV!
Fight! Fight! Fight!
Chaka!
Get ready for the ball breaker!
Marshall, I'm coming in!
Oh! Misfire!
What have you done?!
The door!
It's closing forever!
It's barely holding!
Let's go!
Ha!
It's your home, or your
comrade Dr. Marshall!
No it isn't!
Reverse!
You go!
I've got this yellow bastard
on lockdown, I'm gonna stay!
What?!
Yeah!
I've been talking to my man Chaka!
He pitches a pretty good world!
I mean think about it.
My home was never in the real world?
Never belonged.
This could be a fresh start for me.
Make some new friends?
I could be somebody!
A winner...
Wow, I really admire you right now.
I just feel like so many people go through this
life looking for what I've found here, you know?
And they themselves, can never find it.
Or worse.
They find it, and let it slip away.
I am so afraid of that happening.
You wouldn't be human if
you didn't feel scared.
Marshall!
Please, you can't leave
me here like this with him.
As one scientist to
another, I beg you for mercy!
Science shows no mercy.
And neither do I.
That's good.
Let's go Holly.
Ready?
Ready...
Chaka! Technically
I'm still your master!
Marshall?
Holly?
We made it!
I just want to say...
You have grown into a beautiful woman.
Hey!
Where's Will?
He went to a better place.
You killed him?
No...
No he went to a strange world.
A world of Dinosaurs,
monkey people, lizard people.
A whole in space and time, a virtual...
Land of the lost.
As hard as it is to
believe, Will chose to stay.
Alright, cool.
Did you see the Sleestaks
beat the crap out of Enik?
I've never seen them move so fast.
Couldn't agree more little buddy.
Tunic...
I got you come on.
You are deceptively heavy.
I'm a pina kusa!
Chaka!
God, we're kings!
That's what your women look like?
Hop off, be cool.
Whoa easy, stand down!
I got this.
How's it going? I'm Will,
pretty much Chaka's best friend.
I'm here to offer you all
protection and shelter.
And really pretty much anything
that you guys would ever need.
Hey, how's it going?
Yeah that's denim.
Denim.
Yeah...yeah.
This was definitely a good choice.
This is TODAY with Matt Lauer.
It's been sometime since my final
guest was here but after the,
remarkable events of the passed
year, he needs no introduction.
He's back with a new book, and more startling
evidence of you guessed it, Time Warps.
The pipe's allowed.
I asked.
That's great news.
You've had, quite a year.
Actually stellar year, Matt.
In fact I brought you
back a Dinosaur egg.
Which my beautiful partner, and lover Holly
Cantrell was gracious enough to transport.
And I'm obviously very
excited about my new tome...
It's a book.
Sixteen weeks on the NY
Time's best seller list.
Let me get to your discovery
doctor because this is-
This is for you.
I signed it.
You're supposed to say the
title and the publisher.
That's not gonna happen.
Just say it.
No!
Just say the damn title.
Fine.
Matt Lauer can suck it,
by Dr. Rick Marshall.
I was so surprised that your
attorney signed off on that,
I was like, are you sure?
Is this gonna be okay?
He said yeah, go for it.
Son of a bitch!
Mission control, do you read?
Mayday...
Mayday!
I'm re-entering Earth's orbit,
I seem to have fallen into...
I don't know, some kind
of tear in time and space.
My coordinates are unknown.
And is either...
Seems entrance indicate it
should be White Sands, New Mexico.
Obvious error.
Is anyone receiving this?
Recovery team!
Recovery team, fix coordinates now!
Where the hell am I?
Somebody respond!
Recovery team come back, god damn it.
Oh god, oh god.
Anyone re
-!
This is TODAY with Matt Lauer.
We're back now with Dr. Rick Marshall
whose new book arrives in stores tomorrow.
It was back in Oslo, Doctor, last month
that you just startled your colleagues,
with this theory of yours that takes
science in a completely new direction.
Quantum Paleontology.
Quantum Paleontology, that's correct.
What exactly is that?
Well it's a...not to say very
modestly...it's our very future Matt.
It's the only real solution to solving
this fossil fuel crisis we're experiencing
and it boils down to two simple words.
Renewable bio-fuels?
Close.
Time Warps.
Time Warps? You're serious about this?
I'm deadly serious.
Five years, over fifty million
dollars on my research...
You spent fifty million dollars of
your own money, studying Time Warps?
No, that's adorable.
No, tax payers' money. I don't
have fifty million dollars.
And now you're asking for more?
It's all explained, in my book.
I know we plugged the book.
My Other Car is a Time Machine.
Bantum books, Amazon...
We're living in a time right
now, with huge cuts in spend-
I saw, huge cuts in spending. -Right
We're in dire economic straights,
and you're spending fifty million
dollars on studying Time Warps?
How do you not think
that's irresponsible?
Are you smoking?
No I'm making a balloon animal here.
You can't smoke in the studio.
No one told me that.
Listen, you can't.
Fine.
There are huge huge amounts of trans
- dimensional energy out there
just waiting for us to throw the
switch, energy crisis averted.
You are asking people to stake the entire
future of industrialized civilization,
on what you call Parallel Dimensions?
What about the critics who have
a fair question doctor, they say...
This theory of yours is not
science, it is non-science,
and some even more
bluntly say it's nonsense.
How do you respond to that?
My critics?
Your critics, there are a lot of them.
Could you be more specific?
Steven Hawking.
Steven Hawking says this is
nonsense, that's his word.
You know what this interview's over.
Why?
Your producer said you
wouldn't bring that up.
It's a fair question.
No it's not, it's a hatchet job!
That was my guest Dr. Rick Marshall
his book arrives in stores tomorrow,
you might want to look for it in the
I'm out of my freakin' mind department.
When we come back, trampolines.
Summer fun or silent killer?
Ladies and gentlemen.
Esteemed colleagues.
I'll conclude with this.
Our very future depends on one thing.
Tachyons.
Sub-atomic particles that move so incredibly
fast they actually travel backwards in time.
Ask yourself, what if there was a
device that could harness these tachyons.
We could open and travel
through warps in time and space.
What's that?
Not in our lifetime?
My friends, I've designed such a device.
I give to you the Tachyon Amplifier.
Genius in a box.
Only with this device, you don't
travel forwards or backwards.
You travel sideways in time.
To another dimension where past,
present, and future all meet.
And, lights.
Alright...
Any questions?
Oh, great. Yes, you
right there young man.
Yeah, if you shot a ton of pot at the sun,
would it burn up and get everybody high?
No, no...
Are there any real questions
that pertain to science?
Do you take Cialis?
Why were you crying in the
bathroom before this presentation?
How come it looks like
you're about to cry now?
Do Dinosaurs have boobs?
That's it. That's it,
everybody out of here.
Get out of here.
Go play in the parking lot. Go run
around on the Freeway, I don't care.
I have a question.
Did you ever try to make
the Tachyon Amplifier?
Who're you?
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm Holly Cantrell, I studied
all your work at Cambridge.
I think you're brilliant.
Well, Holly from Cambridge
who thinks I'm brilliant.
I started, but I didn't finish so no.
No but you have to build
it, it's the most incredible-
What are you eating?
It's a dough nut stuffed with M&M's.
That way when you finish the dough
nut, you don't have to eat any M&M's.
But don't you see you are
absolutely right, everything-
Stop.
Chasing that theory got me laughed out
of main stream science and landed me here.
But you know what, I don't
got anyone to blame but myself.
Because as they say...
If you don't make it,
it's your own damn "vault."
That's a bitch slap
of truth right there.
If your theories are such rubbish.
Then explain this.
That fossil is over 265 million years
old with an imprint of a $10 lighter.
Go on and explain that.
I found that out in the desert along with crystals
like this that radiate pure tachyon energy.
Go on.
Explain that.
Captain Kirk's nipples...!
The tar pits will be opened in 5 minutes,
Dr. Marshall please return the page.
Dr. Marshall?
Oh god.
Are you alright?
Hey!
Up you go.
Dear...
I'm fine.
I'm okay.
I just worked late.
Then I got hungry.
Ate several meals and
lapsed into a food coma.
I've had issues with food in the past.
I don't know, you know just with the
stress of everything I just overdid it.
But I'm in control.
Now I don't have to go back to Phoenix.
I just wanted to come by,
and apologize for yesterday,
my behavior was just...
No, no, no...
You finished the Tachyon Amplifier!
No, no...I mean yes.
I-I don't know...
I finished building it yes, but...
I didn't have the nerve to test it out.
So I thought a trip to Arby's
might give me some courage, no dice.
But I hit Popeyes, Del Taco...
Fourteen thousand calories later.
I found myself down at Subway.
Powering through a 12
inch veggie on whole wheat.
Battling to come out a "Jared."
Still didn't give me the
strength to turn that thing on.
I'm a coward.
You are not a coward,
you're a visionary.
This is probably the greatest work
of genius in the last hundred years.
Is that a chorus line?
It's left over data from the drive.
What a piece of crap!
The machine I mean
Not a chorus line.
I love show tunes, they really tell
the story of the human condition.
It's a bit gay.
It is great.
Right.
Dr. Marshall you're going to
stop selling yourself short,
you're on the verge of a
major discovery, now get up!
Whoa, where are we going?
We're going to test this
little device, in the field.
Are you crazy? I'm not
prepared for a field test!
No, I'm not going to make a big deal
out of it just a routine expedition.
A routine expedition?
Purely routine.
Here, here it is. This is
where I found the fossil.
The Devil's Canyon mystery cave.
This dump is a portal?
Would you look at these readings?
We just gotta get back in that cave.
No problem, the place
is obviously abandoned.
Not exactly.
What's your pleasure?
I got Roman Candles, Bottle Rockets,
Twitter Glitters, Dancing Butterflies?
This little bitch right here
I call the Mexican Vasectomy.
Yeah?
Okay, that's some bad taste.
How 'bout this?
This is a little travel mug I
like to call, the perfect woman.
Big ol' set of boobies,
no head and a handle.
Look we want to go in the cave, alright?
Okay, how about this.
Ya'll spend $30 on crap,
I'll give you a deluxe tour.
It all goes to a great cause.
The Devil's Canyon Resort & Casino!
Wow, that's nice craft.
Seven thousand
luxuriously appointed rooms
Three casinos.
One convention center.
Ass-tons of parking.
And when everything is complete,
I will turn the tip of this golden
tee-pee into my personal lair.
And I will take a mate, and live
the rest of my life with her up here.
When we fight, and she pisses me
off, I will banish her to this tip,
where she will be kept
as a prisoner and a slave.
So you gonna buy anything?
Yeah, fine.
Hey Earn, taking these guys
to the cave. Watch the store.
Close your mouth while you're
breathing like we talked about.
Making everybody over here feel wierd.
Prepare to meet your darkest fears inside
the depths of the Devil's Canyon mystery cave!
Rule number one, keep your
arms and legs inside the boat.
Rule number two, have
a kick ass awesome time!
But be warned...
You may get wet.
I'm sorry, may?
Actually, I need to know
this equipment cannot get wet.
Not you, Mary Poppins
Bam-chica-wow-wow...
Say that again, and I'll drown you.
Good to go!
Woo, cave ride begins!
Woo!
They all just say this old cave is a hundred
years old and holds a thousand mysteries.
Or is it thousand years
old, and a hundred mysteries.
Well that my friends, is
just one of the mysteries.
Say what you will my man, as a showman.
Without a doubt.
This cave is most infamous for the
legend of the Devil's Canyon lizard man.
He's been seen around these
parts since the pilgrim times.
Snapping his claws, hissin,
tryin' to eat people up.
Lurking about in the dark
dark shadows of this very cave.
But those are just legends, aren't they?
Aren't they?!
Are you asking us?
No, no.
Earnie! Aren't they?
Here it comes, Will!
Oh god!
The lizard man!
You're paying for that.
I most definitely am not.
You know I'm sitting here trying to
give you guys a really awesome adventure,
and you guys are giving
me nothing in return!
I got the gloves on,
the hat, the pageantry!
Holly, I'm getting a
strong Tachyon reading!
I think I can boost the hell out
of this signal with a resonant wave!
Go for it!
You guys don't even care.
No no, there are no
showtunes on this ride!
Something's happening!
Is this part of the ride?!
Nah, this ain't me!
It's an earthquake!
Greatest earthquake ever known!
Marshall, I think you should turn it up!
The meter!
We're moving!
This isn't me, this isn't me!
Why are we moving so fast?!
Do I look like I know what's going on?!
What's that sound?!
Is there a waterfall in here?!
Hell no dude, this
isn't even a real stream!
It's industrial run off of the
soap factory down the street!
What is that?!
Oh shit!
This is not a routine expedition!
Reverse!
It's beautiful!
I gotta say I did not see that coming.
Earnie! You bastard!
That was way too fast.
Earnie!
Too fast!
Marshall!
I think you should
come and look at this!
Do you realize what this means?!
Yes!
It means...
Matt Lauer can suck it!
Holly, are you rolling? -Yes!
That was a viking ship and a-
Shut up just shut up!
Okay, currently in our party...
Me, Dr. Rick Marshall.
Doctoral candidate Holly Cantrell and some trashy
tailer park reject who smells of malt liquor and feet.
I'm standin' right here!
I was right!
Holly, right here!
Just as I predicted we have been...
We've fallen through a time portal from our Earth,
to another dimension where past, present and future,
are all mashed up together!
How the hell did this happen?
My Tachyon Amplifier,
that's how it happened!
You mean that shitty boombox
pumpin' showtunes? -Yes, it worked!
Where the hell is it?
Okay, minor set back.
My tachyon amplifier, which undoubtedly will be
the only possible way for us to open a doorway home.
Is nowhere to be seen.
What the hell was that?
I have no idea but let's go find out!
Primates!
I heard they had the posture of an
Australopithecy but it's actually quite-
No, no, no...shut up!
I will not let you ruin this moment, I waited
my entire life to see the mighty big foot!
Man, are you touching yourself?
Marshall, look!
Oh my god!
Tool construction!
Tool construction!
Yea! They're gonna kill him!
No!
Okay you egg heads you follow my lead.
I know just how to
party with these guys.
You little monkey bastards!
Prepare to bow down and worship me!
For behold, ye' Troglodytes...
I command the power of...fire!
Will, that's not a good idea.
How do you like me now huh?
You want to disco dance you-
Ouch! Son of a bitch...!
Well done.
You've just now given murderous
primitives the power of fire.
It's alright.
It's alright don't be frightened.
We're friends.
Friends.
Careful Holly.
Come on.
Come on!
Come on.
There we go.
I spent 3 years at the
Manchester Primate House.
I'm recognizing their
very primitive language.
Now..
Me? Holly.
Yes, Holly!
Holly.
Me? Holly...
You?
Cha-ka?
Cha-ka!
No, Holly...Cha-ka!
Wi-ill...
Will...
Good work Holly.
Let me take over from here.
Greeting Cha-ka!
Cha-ka?
I'm Dr. Rick Marshall.
Doctor Rick...Marshall?
Okay?
Let's take a look at that ankle.
Does that sound good?
Keep in mind Cha-ka, although I'm a
doctor, I'm not a licensed physician.
Okay? Just going to take a little look-
How dare you! How dare you!
I mean you no harm!
Marshall, Marshall!
Don't you run from me you little shit!
Now you're dead!
Damn it Chaka!
Now was that necessary?
Marshall! Marshall,
wait stay where you are.
What was that?
Look he was never in any danger, okay?
Cha-ka! Friend!
Safety! Safety!
Safety!
Holly, tell him.
Marshall?
Marshall...
Haboo! Haboo!
Haboo?
Haboo.
Well that's more like it.
Holly what did you tell him?
I think I told him that you're a
great chief, and you're very powerful.
And I think he's pledging
his life long loyalty to you.
That's hardly necessary
my little friend.
But I will honor your customs.
And you may serve me.
In return I will be a fair
but very strict master.
What?!
What is wrong with you people?!
That sand dune swallowed us!
I mean could you all please stop act
like this doesn't happen everyday?
You're starting to make
me feel really stupid!
Okay, hold on. Let's gather ourselves.
Take a deep breath in.
Fortunately...
I've been in this exact
situation...three times before.
When?!
When have you ever
been in this situation?!
I've never been in
this situation before!
Just tryin' to keep up morale!
Oh god...
I sure hope that was a Coyote.
Good god, it's a feeding station!
If anyone knows about
meal presentation, it's me.
Oh god, oh god!
Grab hands!
Create some momentum and
swing over to that tree.
Extension!
Reach!
Good form everyone!
Working in concert!
Don't be afraid to point the toe!
One more!
One more should do it!
Everybody move out!
Cha-ka, your master
commands you to-
Bad Cha-ka!
Your loyalty is now in question!
That was a Dinosaur?
T-Rex!
Definitely in predator mode!
Would you hurry up,
you're slowing us down!
Why are you wearing high heels!
They're not high heels, they're
my Floor Shine Zipper Boots!
Why are you wearing Floor
Shines on a field expedition!
I told you I was no prepped
to go into the field.
Wait, wait! We need a photo!
Nice field skills, Holly!
Stand over there!
What?!
This is proof that I'm
right and I want photos.
Stand there we need you for scale!
Scale?!
Marshall, do we to
turn on Red-Eye feature?
Yes! His eyes do look red.
Jesus Christ, just take the picture!
Okay just stand still!
-Stand still please.
One, two, three...
Fantastic, run!
Run like hell!
Where the hell's the monkey?
Look!
Cha-ka's waiting for us at
the other end of the bridge!
Good Cha-ka, your master is pleased!
Marshall!
It really looks like he's just
trying to destroy the bridge.
Chaka, wait!
Master not pleased!
It's okay, he can't cross he
has terrible depth perception.
Thinks this chasm is
a million miles long.
He's not what you'd call an athlete.
Mister T-Rexes.
See?
Walking away in utter,
and helpless defeat.
After all their brain
is the size of a walnut.
Their sense of smell may be acute, but eye
sight, hearing, all of his higher functions,
completely compromised by
that walnut sized brain pan.
I mean forget about the Polish.
It's the T-Rexes who were
the real dummies of the world.
In fact Chaka, funny story...
Run!
Follow the monkey!
He's looking at you, Marshall.
He's watching you.
He's looking at everyone.
No I'm certain he's looking at you.
He is grumpy.
I think that's what we
should call him, Grumpy.
It's a cute name.
Is it gone?
Yeah.
Pussy!
What a puss...
This'll work just fine.
We'll call this base camp.
No, no...we cannot stay here!
Bad things happen in caves
folks, watch your movies!
Guys, can we just please take a
minute to absorb this, I mean...
We must be, the first ones to ever step
foot in this world, it's incredible!
Oh god, we're screwed.
No, no!
Chaka, no...No!
Okay you know what?
I don't want Chaka sleeping
in the cave tonight.
Whoa! Not cool dude.
No, it's a reasonable
precaution alright?
He was just about to be executed, and I think
he might've done something to deserve it.
Hey my man is right here.
Obviously he has feeling, okay?
Doesn't have feelings!
Man, come on look at him he's adorable.
He's a little cuddle machine.
What?
Yeah, least you can do
is let him defend himself.
I don't speak monkey.
Anyhow...do you?
No I didn't think so.
Here let me try.
Chaka?
He says he's a prince
amongst his people.
And the victim of a treacherous
plot to steal his throne.
And the only thing he's
ever guilty of was...
Is love.
Brother, give me a break.
And he's been treated far too harshly
for the very simple crime of...
Pooping in the village well.
That's why you're not
sleeping in the cave.
I can't tell anymore.
Okay mister...
Silently
- Fuck you!
Whoa, hold on! Where
you going with that?
I'm just gonna block the first point-of-egress
here so that we're not vulnerable.
No...no...
Bless your heart.
Classic, tender foot mistake.
Don't beat yourself up over it.
Here's the thing.
Never put anything near the mouth
of the cave to draw attention to us.
Did you not just see that we drew the attention
of a highly intelligent psycho Dinosaur?
Look I think the "Ph.D" after my name means
I know a little something about Dinosaurs?
Dinosaurs are creatures
of brute instinct.
Like I said before it's got
a brain the size of a walnut!
Okay? You got me?
A walnut.
What's that?
What's that?!
Sweet Gregor Mendel...
What? What is it?
It's a walnut.
Well, obviously this
is between you and him.
Day 2, 0600...Zulu time.
Did not sleep last night at all.
Not one bit.
Still no sign of the tachyon
amplifier our...our only way home.
Field rations are...are
running dangerously low.
Thusly, I've made the determination that
if need be, if faced with starvation...
we will cook and eat...Chaka.
I've been thinking about
this a lot actually.
If Chaka meat were the secret ingredient
on Iron Chef, I'm sure Bobbly Flay would,
probably serve it with a roasted
red peppers, and a dash of cumin.
And a braze of polenta.
Wouldn't be an easy thing to do but...
but if you slow roast the little guy I'm sure
that Chaka meat would just fall right off the bone.
Fruit train coming through!
Fantastic! I'm absolutely starving.
Which fruit shall I-
Whoa, hold on a second there Holly.
I don't recognize that
genus of succulent.
Perhaps the native
inhabitant can help us.
Chaka?
Rick Marshall!
Chaka!
Are they safe?
To eat?
Eat? Eat..eat?
Eat!
Eat, eat?
Thank you Chaka!
Thank you so much, for listening to me.
Sorry for doubting you my little friend.
Has a pungent flavor, smells good!
Very meaty-
Jesus Chaka!
What the hell?!
Friends?
Friends?
Well? Yes, technically I guess.
However I am your master.
We have entered into a verbal contract.
You need to understand that.
Holly, quick to the cave mouth.
Sentry positions!
Looks like a plasma discharge.
Or maybe beta-rays!
Marshall?
Marshall!
Marshall?
Help...
Me...
Please...
I will.
Marshall?
Marshall, where are you going?
Someone or something knows we're here.
It's in my head calling to me.
Get back Holly!
What are you doing?!
I've seen this before!
He's got the jungle madness!
We gotta put him down while
he's still has some dignity left!
Chaka, let's roll!
What?!
You see?
This is the place!
A beacon!
A transmitter!
What the hell?!
Stop it!
Well I'll be...
I guess you weren't crazy.
Okay...
I'm man enough to say that's my bad.
Wow, has incredible architecture...almost
like the almanac culture of Western America.
Reminds me of the prudential building.
I'll bet somebody's
growing weed in here.
Feel that?
That ambient energy?
Just like at Devil's Canyon.
Yeah, tachyon radiation.
Marshall, the meter can't be far.
Finally something cool huh?
What, no reaction?
You guys have seen that before
too I take it huh? In your lab...
What's this thing?
Maybe this is where ancient
ancestors hosted the latin Grammy's.
Just picture Santana
hauling this sucker around.
It vibrates.
I wouldn't touch that alright.
Do you believe in life after love!
That is so dumb and childish.
Do you believe in life after love!
Will could you please be quiet,
Dr. Marshall needs silence.
I can feel something inside me say
I really don't think
you're strong enough, no!
Really feel it in my forearms.
Yeah, you usually have to
pay for something like this.
Holly you should sit on this.
What?
What is it Chaka?
What'd you say?
What's he saying?
I don't know if this is anything
I've ever learned...Sarisa?
Sarisa Taka?
Chorizo Tacos?
Are you saying Chorizo Tacos?
Don't play around
because I am super hungry.
Sarisa
-?
What the hell does that mean?
Well...
I'm afraid we'll never know.
Okay...
Oh shit it's not Chorizo Tacos.
No immediate danger,
cold blooded and slow.
I repeat, no immediate danger.
Would you stop that?! Please!
You are freaking me out!
They're everywhere!
Just like zombies!
That's how zombies get you! Volume!
We're all gonna die!
Like hell...
I'm gonna take at least one
of these bastards with me,
even if you have to choke
to death on my skull!
What you want some too do you?
What are you guys doing?!
One second...
What in the hell?
Get in!
Wait stand down Holly.
Hang on...
Hang on I think we're safe.
They don't seem to be able to
make it through the entrance.
Thank god for that.
That one keeps peering into my soul.
This is just fantastic.
Now we're just going to stand in here
and suffocate in this tiny little...
Huge...
Thingy...
Wow that is an efficient use of space.
Like Snoopy's dog house.
Look, there's a gold one.
Let's stomp his head in.
Do not fear me.
I am Enik
The Altrusian.
Thank Vindok you've come
to my aid Rick Marshall.
You know me?
Of course.
Even in the farthest reachest of the
universe we've seen your Matt Lauer video.
I am a prisoner in
this Land of the Lost.
Only you can help me escape.
The fate of the universe depends on you.
Well...
Thats very flattering...Enik.
But I think you've found the wrong guy.
No Rick Marshall, I have summoned you here
specifically to help me stop an evil mad man who
has already conquered my world.
And now plans to conquer yours.
His name is...
The Zarn.
I am the Zarn, heed my
warning or be destroyed.
The Zarn became obsessed with using the power
of these crystals to conquer the universe.
If he is not stopped he will
open a doorway to your world,
and lead his army of Sleestak on
a rampage across time and space.
He must be stopped.
Enik...
Buddy...
I'm a scientist, you're a scientist.
I think together you and
I could figure this out.
You mustn't touch the crystals!
Wrong manipulation of the crystals
could turn time and space inside out.
What do you need from us?
The Zarn lacks only one
thing to enact his evil plan.
A device to amplify tachyons and
unleash the full power of the crystals.
Well Marshall has created a device
that isolates tachyon interference.
Yeah I did that.
Of course, with tachyon particles focused
along the proper temporal vector...
...a stable passage way could be opened
to any point in the space time continuum.
You and I are so smart.
Rick Marshall, I knew
instantly you could help me.
Thank you.
You are a truly advanced intellect.
I don't know how you
manage amongst these others.
I don't know how I do it
either, I really don't!
Excuse me?!
You have this tachyon amplifier?
I lost it on the way in, I don't
know where...it could be lost in time.
On the contrary I detect it nearby.
It...
Strange...
I cannot precisely pin
point its location it...
...moves.
Leave it to us.
If it's out there.
We'll find it.
Not so fast amigo.
Little rule I live by.
Never trust a dude in a tunic.
You live by that rule?
Yes.
It's never led me astray.
Come on Enik, are you
well enough to travel?
No, my place is here in the pylon.
I must protect the crystals.
If you wish to return home these crystals
are the doorway. Your device is the key.
Find it before the Zarn does.
Bring it to me, and rescue us all.
Rescue the uni-verse.
Alright everyone gather around.
Let's go, chop chop.
Hustle up.
Marshall did you just make that?
Yeah, I'm a bit of a
miniatures enthusiast.
It's very impressive.
Thank you.
Yeah well I see some
obvious scaling issues...
I think its pretty damn good.
Alright.
We are here.
As you can see desert, forest...
What's this look like?
The cave.
That's the cave, that's
where we're living.
Standard volcano.
Okay?
Now, I will tether Will to
this hot air balloon right here.
Okay, it will be fitted with
a crude tachyon reflector array
that I fashioned out of a thermal
blanket and cell phone charger.
I don't remember ever
volunteering for that.
Holly!
You and I will follow Will's directions as he
searches for the tell-tale ping of the missing,
and still presumably
operational tachyon meter.
Oh god, he's close.
I've taken care of that.
During the course of my professional
career I've done extensive research with,
reptiles and various birds of
prey of which Dinosaurs are.
Well that's disputable.
Please be quiet.
They have a very acute sense of smell.
Now, while I gathered this strictly for
genetic research to be used upon our return,
I think it would prove
wise to use this now.
Hadrosaur urine.
We're going to cover our-
Whoa, wait.
What is that?
Hadrosaur urine.
How'd you get that?
Well while you are sleeping,
I'm out gathering research.
Okay?
This was to be used
for genetic engineering.
And I was going to write a
report on kidney function.
But now it'll just be
camouflage, we'll all blend in.
Okay? So...
We will cover ourselves-
I'm sorry, so sorry.
I'm just trying to figure this out.
So you've been gathering urine?
Yes, what's the problem?
That means you stood under
a dino dung, with a bucket.
If you want to be technical and reduce
it to it's basis element...yes I was.
How'd that work out for you?
Are you honestly asking me?
Yeah.
It's very peaceful.
Just a little bit like fly fishing.
Just out there in the night air still
calm, and then zing you get a big catch.
Okay so, we'll cover our bodies in urine, and
we'll be virtually undetectable to all Dinosaurs.
Here they come, should've
thought of this a long time ago.
That's refreshing.
Make sure to ingest some
get that in the blood stream.
Don't do that.
Okay, whose next?
Really?
It's not that bad.
Just starting to burn my eyes a
little bit did not plan for it.
It get's up in the nostrils
too, you do not want that.
That's early morning stuff.
That is strong.
Maybe a second splash will
reduce some of the effects.
Immediately made it worse.
Where's my laser pointer? Nevermind.
We will probably have to be doing...
Whose that?
Maybe we should just follow him.
Nice model though.
Yeah fine, let's forget my model
and let's follow the monkey.
Shut up Chaka!
Are we there yet?
You find this funny Chaka?
This is the damn Bhutan
death march out here.
My god...
Absolutely incredible.
This must be the main
entry point into this world.
It's like...a cosmic lost and found.
Wow look at all this
kick ass shit to steal.
This is like the world's greatest mall.
Yeah, Will, it's just like a mall.
The only thing it's
missing is a food court.
Compsognathus! Look how they move!
Where all these little
chupacabres going to?
I'll tell you where they're going to.
Our raft, tachyon meter can't be far.
Our raft? That's my raft.
Get away from there!
Stop pecking at my raft!
There's your food court.
Ice cream...
Hey! What're you doing?
What? I'm gonna poney up and
get Chaka a cone, it's his first.
No there's a reason those
Dinosaurs hang out there, they know.
They know what?
It's feeding time.
Tyrannosaurus female!
We're in luck.
These large predators are extremely territorial,
virtually nothing will distract them from each other.
Oh crap balls.
Whaddya know?
This is one of those situations where
dumping piss on your head's a bad idea.
Run!
Wait Chaka!
Lead your master to safety!
Chaka no!
Why?!
You're a little asshole Chaka!
Spread out! It'll confuse them!
Try running in serpentine patterns!
He's incapable of
rapid forward direction!
Serpentine everyone!
Serpentine!
Serpentine!
Serpentine!!
No! Serpentine!
Serpentine!!
Son of a kid!
Hey Marshall, you ever
get tired of being wrong?
I do, I really do! I'm so tired!
Get on your horse Rick Marshall!
Fascinating but terrifying!
No!
Marshall!
Still here!
I hope you're taping this!
I got it!
I don't want to die in a hummer!
A massacre...
Gross!
Set the catapult!
What?!
Set the catapult!
What?!
Set the fuckin' catapult!
This thing?!
Catapult! Now!
No no, take her that way! Go that way!
Just do it!
Come on!
How the hell do you set a catapult!
I don't know, just turn it!
One!
Two!
Three!
Crank that thing!
Oh no!
Crank that mother!
I'm coming in hot!
Keep going!
Put your back into it!
The package has arrived.
What's the package?
It's a canister of refridgerant.
Now!
I did not expect that.
Gay showtunes!
Cassie...Beebe.
Tachyon meter!
Oh that blows.
That...
BLOWS...
Marshall?
What're you doing?
I'm giving up.
It feels good.
But what about finding our way home?
Validation for your life's work, you just
going give that all up just to lie here.
No no of course not.
Lying here is just
phase one of the plan.
It's phase two that
gets me really excited.
It involves adjusting the angle of my recline,
and putting this hand halfway down my pants.
Deceptively simple yet elegant.
Yeah, I tried.
I failed.
And you know what, once
again it's my own vault.
You mean fault.
No, I actually mean vault.
It's from a poster with
a pole vaulter on it.
That's really freaking stupid man.
I can't believe I'm hearing this.
Any scientist in his
right mind wouldn't give-
Initiating phase two.
Do you know how I first heard about you?
As a joke.
First year at Cambridge we used to email your
little appearance with Matt Lauer around for a laugh.
I mean as you tube hall of fame moments
goes, it was Matt Lauer versus Marshall,
and then that monkey
pissin' in his own face.
In that order.
But I wasn't laughing.
Because I fascinated. I saw a man who was willing to
swim dangerous waters for the sake of his need to know.
I took that to heart Dr. Marshall, I've committed myself
to your theories and I got tossed out of Cambridge for it.
For my theories, you
threw your future away?
Yeah that's what everyone told me.
But I didn't believe it, not 'til now.
Have you seen this monkey video?
Yeah, I've seen it about a dozen times.
God bless the internet.
Come on Chaka.
Let's work on our mission statement.
How's it going?
What's wrong little guy, you okay?
Lady troubles?
Tell me about it.
This obviously stays
between me and you but...
I'm coming up on a 6 year dry spell.
He says that he misses his
tribe, it's a beautiful existence
They're carefree and nomadic,
and live where the food lives.
Just like me.
I moved "tres" times just to
be closer to a Ruby Tuesdays.
Continue.
Their women wait on the men,
serve in all their needs.
I'm liking this, continue.
They're ugly, but they make up
for it in nice personalities.
He says as prince of his tribe he personally
is served by a heron of 7,000 women.
Wow, not bad little dude.
And they bring him all
accruements of food, and-
Yeah, you get the idea
I'm not translating that.
Any room around that
fire for a jerk like me?
Thought you gave up?
I did.
I gave up on giving up.
Sat out there for a long time.
Just me, my shame and
this little 4 string.
I've had a change of heart.
Tried too long and hard to think
something to say to you guys.
Well, I realized there
wasn't anything to say.
But maybe...
Just maybe...
There's something I could sing.
No really it's alright-
Marshall...Will and Holly...
On a routine expedition.
Met the greatest earthquake ever known.
That's all I got.
That's fine.
Apology accepted.
Thanks, you guys are being so generous.
Really appreciate it, I
think the healing has begun.
Met the greatest
earthquake ever known...
High on the rapids.
It struck their tiny raft.
That's good.
And plunged them down-
I'm so tired.
A thousand feet below.
I'm feeling weak.
Really bushwacked.
Anyway here's how I end it, a
little arpeggio nothing fancy.
Guys, I'm sleepy.
The Land...
Land...of the Lost-
I'm so tired!
What happened?
You had a bug on you.
But it's gone now.
Oh okay.
Alright everyone!
Rise and shine.
Listen up, it's a new day.
Yes we've had a set back.
Yes it is tempting to
stay on this world and die.
But thats not how a new Marshall rolls.
You hear me?
Not by a damn sight.
This isn't hands down
the pants Marshall.
Alright?
This is a Gordon on 2 pints of Ben & Jerry's and
a whole spiral cut ham while watching not one,
but two Mama's Family reunion Marshall.
Uh-Uh!
He's gone.
Here's the deal.
Enik's counting on us.
The whole world is counting on us.
If we have any hope of returning home we need to
take back that tachyon meter, and take it back hard.
That means climbing.
Hours of arduous
climbing up sheer cliffs.
Not tomorrow.
Not in a few hours.
But right now!
Understood?
Yeah.
Understood Will?
Hmm?
Let's move out you panzies.
Hey! This is not a race.
Okay?
What the hell?
Teradachtyl eggs incubating
all over her lair.
There's your shitty boombox.
Across a sea of thin volcanic glass.
Okay Will, what you're gonna want to
do is evenly distribute your weight,
at the same time keep
an eye out for the eggs.
Hey, Will?
I know you're faking.
Okay, Chaka!
Chaka!
Come on.
Fine.
Maybe I'll need to listen to the words of a group
of young kids words trying to make it on stage.
God I hope I get it.
I hope I get it.
Marshall?
Be careful.
I'm up!
I'm up I got this.
Oh Marshall, you got it.
Do me a favor?
Just keep an eye on the mother okay?
You mustn't change the surface
temperature of the eggs,
any drop of sweat could
activate hatching process.
I got it.
I got it!
They're hatching!
Why are they hatching?!
The music!
It must be like a lullaby.
God I hope I get it!
I hope I get it!
How many people does he need?
God I hope I get it!
I hope I get it!
How many boys, how many girls?
Look at all the people!
At all the people!
How many people does he need?
How many boys, how many girls?
How many people does he-
I really need this job.
Please God I need this job.
I've got to get this job!
I'm gonna miss this place
that proves I was right.
Oh drink?
Drink, yes!
That is delicious and refreshing.
Sweet and sour like Chinese food.
He's saying it's a celebratory
drink in his village.
Cheers!
It brings a joyful lightness
to the heart and soul.
No, I'm sorry its not joyful lightness.
A better translation would
be, howling loneliness.
And then your bravery will
be tested and your mind folds.
And the shadow hats will rise from their
graves and hold you in an icy embrace.
And it'll feel like...your
bowels being pierced.
By a ghost serpent.
Well that can't be right.
No, that can't be right.
Chaka, maki rishu...dong doh?
Oh okay, so it's not ghost serpent.
It's much much closer to zombie dick.
I think it might be a narcotic.
Is that so?
Need you to be honest with me okay?
Are you a cop?
That's not an answer Chaka.
That's your name.
Seriously, by law you have to
tell me if you're an officer.
Marco -Polo
You wearing a wire?
Marco -Polo
Hello!
Hot coffee.
I need food.
Marshall!
Yeah?
Fruit me buddy!
Chaka?
I owe you an apology.
Okay, I...
I'm a guest in your land.
A guest who came unannounced, uninvited.
I've treated you like a toilet.
A toilet!
I want to make it up to you.
Because the love I feel for
you, I'm not exaggerating...
Is a billion times greater than the love
for mankind that Jesus felt on the cross.
You can take that to the bank.
I'm so glad you guys squashed that.
I love you guys so much.
You guys are amazing.
I don't ever want to go home.
No.
This is just like Sandal's resort.
Just good people, a lot of good food.
Good times.
I want to make this my life.
I'm just gonna make
- ...be here all the time.
Hey hey!
You're funny Chaka!
He's hilarious!
You're funny.
His jokes are disgusting.
You're funny.
Hey for real though?
How much money would I have to pay
ya'll to french kiss each other?
For real?
Totally real!
For real, for real?
Totally, in his mucky mouth.
Hey if it doesn't leave the three
of us, I'll do for free right now.
It's not gonna leave here.
I'd do it right now.
Let me see it.
Kiss him.
It doesn't leave the three of us?
No dude, I won't tell anybody.
Who am I gonna tell?
Why don't you kiss him?
I'm gonna do it!
Come here!
You guys are gross!
I don't wanna do it!
I don't want to do it!
I've changed my mind!
Dinosaur eggs!
Dinosaur poo...
This is the Zarn!
Heed my warning or be destroyed!
We're just trying to get home!
Enik the Altrusian has
escaped our custody!
He's over taken the central
pylon and the crystals.
And now plans to lead his army of Sleestak
on a rampage, across time and space!
If you're hearing this, heed
my warning. Do not believe-
No! Enik! No!
The Zarn?
I've gotta go and warn the-
Holly?
Holly...?
They've taken Holly.
Chaka!
I've got a mission for you.
Now listen closely.
I don't know what that means.
Just come on!
Oh man.
Sentries, classic hive behavior.
Obviously on patrol.
Just like drones tirelessly hunting.
Dude, it looks like they're
gettin' ready to make out?
No. No.
He's about to tap that ass!
Would you shut up?
He's not about to tap that ass.
Oh you're right.
He's totally tapping that ass.
Yeah wow...Our own little private show.
Oh god, they shed.
Hi.
Hey don't do that.
Just focus.
We find you guilty, for providing
assistance to Enik the Altrusian.
There she is!
Prepare the meet the Sleestak god!
Stop!
Marshall!
Do not interfere!
Dude, what the hell are you doing?
This one was caught trying to
deliver a tachyon device to Enik!
You want Holly? You've
gotta deal with us!
No, Marshall don't.
Because we're all friends of Enik!
Enik the Altrusian is guilty of the
destruction of an entire civilization.
Entire what now?
Convicted of his crimes, he was
sentenced to 10,000 years imprisonment.
What?
And made to wear a tunic
as a symbol of his deceit.
Told you dude, tunic.
As his allies, you shall die as well.
Sieze them!
Marshall!
Hold on!
Wait!
Wait a minute, our working relationship.
I wanted to do that
since I first met you.
You mean we could've been
doing this the whole time?
Yeah, but I was worried it wouldn't be
professional and distract you from your work.
No, no...not distracting.
Never distracting.
Are you guys kidding
me? Come on! Really!
Now is the time for this?
You know he's-
He's right, we've got to stop Enik!
Right now he has the upper hand.
I know we...
have the element of surprise but...
Yeah about that...
What?
We sent Chaka to go get him.
Well then.
Rick Marshall.
Coming here represents a slight
adjustment to my plans but no matter.
I have what I need.
And it's all thanks
to you, Dr. Marshall.
And this!
Don't! We're out gunned.
My Sleestack stand prepared.
With the power of the
crystals they are my slaves.
My conquering army.
Thanks to your device.
I can lead an invasion force anywhere
I choose, in all of time and space.
But I believe I'll
begin with your Earth.
My Sleestak's reproduce rather quickly.
Yeah we already caught
some of that action.
In merely weeks, your world will
be overrun by their scaly offspring.
And left standing in the
cinders of your civilization.
I'll be sure to give you
full scientific credit.
I know how important that is to you.
Now save your strength.
You'll need it.
You'll need it?
What is it?
Marshall?
Oh great.
Right, you run and I'll
distract him he's not after me.
No, I'm not running.
This ends here.
Marshall, what are you doing?
Maybe what I was always meant to do.
Now just go, I'll meet
you at the pylon, I hope.
No we're not leaving without you.
Go!
Get out of here, I don't love you!
Go!
Marshall!
Get!
You're ugly!
Look, if you're gonna do
this for real take this.
Got some high powered fireworks
in here that might come in handy.
Are you kidding me?
You mean you've been carrying a bag of
fireworks around with you this whole time?
There's literally a dozen situations
where we could've used these.
He's right, none of that
is important now okay?
Listen...
I gotta be straight with
you bro, I misjudged you.
I thought you were just a...
...dumbass dude who dressed
stupid, but I'm wrong.
You're solid.
Thick or thin, I will follow you
into battle at anytime, you hear me?
Absolutely anytime.
Okay! How about now?
Like, right now?
Yeah.
Honestly?
I didn't really expect you to
call the favor in this soon.
So, on this one unfortunately
I'm gonna have to say no.
But I think it's gonna be awesome for you
for personal growth just to hit this one solo.
I'm gonna be rootin' for ya.
Okay?
Trenches bro.
It's all about love.
Okay?
After this time.
I'm there for you, okay?
Anytime after now.
He's your man, not me.
Alright, it's a fact.
You and I don't like each other.
Only one will remain.
Just gonna have to fight
you at your own game.
Damn you're quick, it's
because you're a dinosaur!
But, you don't carry
around these, do you?
Welcome to the big
bang theory my friend!
Stupid...
You're cornered man, there's no way out!
There's always a way out!
Because if you don't make it...
It's your own damn vault.
My god! He's going to do it!
Do it! Do it!
God!
Can't believe it.
Hey!
Yeah, you!
You bastard!
Do you realize who you just ate, do you?
Probably the most brilliant man ever.
Probably the only man
who ever really knew you.
Alright, so he was wrong about the size of your
brain but you don't go and eat a man for that,
you reason with him you stupid idiot!
He was your future!
He was my future!
And I'm never going to get a chance
to tell him that because of you!
It's cool, it's cool!
Right!
Now we must get home,
we're gonna get back,
and we're gonna tell the world
what Rick Marshall did here today.
Come on you big green bastards!
I am sick and tired of you
slow moving little wankers!
Will!
Alright little dude, let's do this.
Lock and load!
Want some of this?
Eat Chaka! Eat!
Will!
Step, step and lift!
Alright my murderous
friend take us home.
Bite that guy right there!
That's him...
That's him!
Oh god that's the coolest
thing I've ever seen.
Would it be cool if he slides down Grumpy's
tail just like Fred Flinstone would do-
Oh god, I've lived.
I have lived.
Come on it tickles.
Marshall!
What happened?
We thought you had died.
Died?
That was just a minor set back.
Okay let's go home.
No, this is insane we saw you
go down Grumpy's cake hole.
What did he puke you out or something?
No, its not possible
the...the T-Rex's lacking-
Not important right now.
I'm okay, and that's it.
This is messed up.
Look I'd really rather
not talk about it.
Now...
Let's light this candle.
No, Marshall...how did you get out?
I will talk to you about it later!
Individually to each one
of you, I'll explain it.
Oh geez...
Would you grow up?
Oh my God!
Yes, he pooped me out!
Now you guys are friends?
Well, I was making my way through his bowels
I must've dislodged some intestinal blockage,
and yes he's in a much better mood now.
So, can we move on?
I really would like to go home.
You were dueced out by a
Dinosaur, that is incredibly cool.
Grumpy listen...
When you talk about
this, and you will...
Please be gentle...okay?
That makes us best buds now.
Don't worry about it, it's
hard with your visidual arm.
Let's go guys.
To freedom!
Thank you Dr. Marshall.
And now the doorway opens.
Enik!
It's over.
You're not going anywhere.
You think you can challenge me?!
I wrestled at Purdue!
JV!
Fight! Fight! Fight!
Chaka!
Get ready for the ball breaker!
Marshall, I'm coming in!
Oh! Misfire!
What have you done?!
The door!
It's closing forever!
It's barely holding!
Let's go!
Ha!
It's your home, or your
comrade Dr. Marshall!
No it isn't!
Reverse!
You go!
I've got this yellow bastard
on lockdown, I'm gonna stay!
What?!
Yeah!
I've been talking to my man Chaka!
He pitches a pretty good world!
I mean think about it.
My home was never in the real world?
Never belonged.
This could be a fresh start for me.
Make some new friends?
I could be somebody!
A winner...
Wow, I really admire you right now.
I just feel like so many people go through this
life looking for what I've found here, you know?
And they themselves, can never find it.
Or worse.
They find it, and let it slip away.
I am so afraid of that happening.
You wouldn't be human if
you didn't feel scared.
Marshall!
Please, you can't leave
me here like this with him.
As one scientist to
another, I beg you for mercy!
Science shows no mercy.
And neither do I.
That's good.
Let's go Holly.
Ready?
Ready...
Chaka! Technically
I'm still your master!
Marshall?
Holly?
We made it!
I just want to say...
You have grown into a beautiful woman.
Hey!
Where's Will?
He went to a better place.
You killed him?
No...
No he went to a strange world.
A world of Dinosaurs,
monkey people, lizard people.
A whole in space and time, a virtual...
Land of the lost.
As hard as it is to
believe, Will chose to stay.
Alright, cool.
Did you see the Sleestaks
beat the crap out of Enik?
I've never seen them move so fast.
Couldn't agree more little buddy.
Tunic...
I got you come on.
You are deceptively heavy.
I'm a pina kusa!
Chaka!
God, we're kings!
That's what your women look like?
Hop off, be cool.
Whoa easy, stand down!
I got this.
How's it going? I'm Will,
pretty much Chaka's best friend.
I'm here to offer you all
protection and shelter.
And really pretty much anything
that you guys would ever need.
Hey, how's it going?
Yeah that's denim.
Denim.
Yeah...yeah.
This was definitely a good choice.
This is TODAY with Matt Lauer.
It's been sometime since my final
guest was here but after the,
remarkable events of the passed
year, he needs no introduction.
He's back with a new book, and more startling
evidence of you guessed it, Time Warps.
The pipe's allowed.
I asked.
That's great news.
You've had, quite a year.
Actually stellar year, Matt.
In fact I brought you
back a Dinosaur egg.
Which my beautiful partner, and lover Holly
Cantrell was gracious enough to transport.
And I'm obviously very
excited about my new tome...
It's a book.
Sixteen weeks on the NY
Time's best seller list.
Let me get to your discovery
doctor because this is-
This is for you.
I signed it.
You're supposed to say the
title and the publisher.
That's not gonna happen.
Just say it.
No!
Just say the damn title.
Fine.
Matt Lauer can suck it,
by Dr. Rick Marshall.
I was so surprised that your
attorney signed off on that,
I was like, are you sure?
Is this gonna be okay?
He said yeah, go for it.
Son of a bitch!