Looney, Looney, Looney Bugs Bunny Movie, The (1981) Movie Script

Noble Knights of the Round Table...
...ever since the accursed Black Knight
captured our singing sword...
...evil times hath befallen us.
One of ye knights
must recover the singing sword.
The Black Knight
has a fire-breathing dragon.
But- But- But-
But the Black Knight is invincible.
Odds bodkins.
Hath the Knights of the Round Table
turned chicken?
Only a fool would go after
the singing sword.
A good idea, fool.
Unless you bring back the singing sword,
you will be put to the rack...
...burned at the stake and beheaded.
Be- Be- Beheaded?
You crazy, idiot, bedraggled dragon.
I warned you
about letting your fire get low.
Now you caught cold.
So this is the singing sword.
Big deal.
I wonder why they call it
the singing sword.
Drop that sword, varmint.
quick, the singing sword's been stolen.
Wake up, fire-breathing lizard.
Stop breathing on me, you idiot.
Heh-heh. That was simple.
Whoa, dragon, whoa.
Stupid dragon.
How's the water, doc?
Open that bridge, varmint!
Open it, I say!
Close it! Close it! Close it up again!
Okay, rabbit,
you forced me to use force.
Hyah! Hyah, dragon! Hyah, dragon!
Hyah, dragon, hyah!
Prepare yourself, rabbit!
I'm a-coming over the wall!
You'll pay for this, varmint.
Now, let's see if I remember.
Head down, left arm stiff.
You idiot.
No, no, don't sneeze, you stupid dragon,
or you'll blow us to the moon.
Dragons is so stupid.
Adios, have a nice trip,
bon voyage, farewell to thee.
He got an Oscar and I got a carrot.
So without further ado, in three acts...
... welcome to Friz Freleng's Looney
Looney Looney Bugs Bunny Movie.
Starring, heh-heh-heh, little old me.
Eh, what's up, doc?
You're despicable.
Suffering succotash.
Oh, I thought I saw a pussycat.
The name's Porky Pig.
Eh, when Hollywood was just a kid...
...the whole world fell in love with the
wacky and wonderful slapstick comedy.
It was the time of baggy-pants comics
and far-out gags.
Then Warner Bros. gave the world
Merrie Melodies and Looney T unes.
Friz Freleng and his fellow innovators...
... created some of the wildest,
zaniest, looniest characters...
... to ever appear on the silver screen,
and the baggy-pants comics was out.
As Charlie Chaplin himself once said,
"How can we compete?
These guys don 't have to stop
to take a breath. "
Then from the magic pen
of Friz Freleng...
... came a warm-hearted, humble
little introvert called Yosemite Sam.
Any one of you lily-livered, bowlegged
varmints care to slap leather with me?
In case any of you get any ideas, you
better know who you're dealing with.
I'm the hootinest, tootinest, shootinest,
bobtailed wildcat in the West.
I'm the fastest gun north, south,
east and west of the Pecos.
Well, hello there.
"Local widow inherits $50 million."
Fifty million dollars.
Ooh. Hmm.
That widow ought to get married.
When I get my hands on that money...
...I'll buy the old-ladies' home
and kick the old ladies out.
I'll have the orphans' home torn down
and I'll get rid of the police department.
Eh. That evil character's
after that nice old lady's money.
Looks like this Boy Scout's
gonna do his good deed for today.
Ooh! Oh, it's chilly in here.
Coming, coming.
I want you, baby.
Your eyes, your lips.
Come with me to the Casbah.
We'll make beautiful music together.
Come to Papa, baby.
Land's sake, nothing like this
has happened to me...
...since the boys got back
from Gettysburg.
Oh, boy. Oh, goodness.
Oh, goodness, someone's at the door.
Hey, don't go away. I'll be right back.
Aha! I find you, my little pigeon.
Fly with me to Paris.
Oh, my.
Oh, 20 years, nothing,
and then it all piles up in one day.
Oh, no. Oh, goodness gracious.
Eh, what is up, Monsieur le physician?
You darned dude.
I'll give you a taste of leather.
Ha! You have insulted the great lover.
The Marquis of Queensberry rules.
Take this.
- Oh!
- Pistols at 10 paces?
You're on.
- En garde?
- I'm ready.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven,
eight, nine, nine and a half...
...nine and three-quarters,
nine and three-sixteenths...
twelve-sixteenths, 10.
Yep, he's right on time.
Ooh. What a night.
Open up. Open up that door!
Coming. Coming.
Now I got-
Oh, you're cute.
Oh, my.
Heavens to Betsy, he's looped.
Now, here, you better sit down
while I fix you a cup of black coffee.
Now, I'll be back with your coffee
in a jiffy.
Tsk-tsk-tsk. Oh, that's too bad.
He seemed like a nice little man.
- One or two lumps?
- Make it two.
Two? Okay. One, two.
Oh, my.
Here's your coffee. One or two lumps?
- Aah!
- That's how many.
Oh! He flipped his lid.
Great horny toads.
Wait, Emmy. Wait.
I'm sorry. Open up, Emmy.
Don't you come near me.
Aw, come on, Emmy.
You're cute. Let's elope.
Okay, you get to the window.
I'll get a ladder.
I want to take a few things along.
That dame's taking everything
but the kitchen sink.
Don't forget the money, Emmy.
Well, hello there.
Where am l?
Oh, it's powerful hot in here.
Hey, is this Dallas?
No, but you're close.
And what is your name, little man?
It's Yosemite Sam.
Yosemite Sam.
Now, let's see.
Yosemite Sam. Yosemit- Ah.
Here you are. Oh, my.
My goodness,
you have been a bad boy, haven't you?
The- The devil made me do it.
I mean, that rabbit made me do it.
Knock it off, Sam.
I can't stand to see a grown man cry.
I'll stop crying if you send me back.
I'll send you back on one condition.
You've got to bring somebody back
to replace you.
Oh, I will, I will. In fact,
I've already got the very varmint in mind.
I'll send you back
as a Roman captain of the guards.
- I'll take it. I'll take it.
- Then it's a deal.
Shake. Ow!
Ooh! Ow, ow! Oh, oh, oh!
Ow! Ooh! Ow, ow! Oh!
Oh, that's hot.
Yeah. When you're hot, you're hot.
Okay, back you go.
By gum, he did it.
I'm back in Rome.
Fall in. Forward harch.
Hut, two, three, four.
Hut, two, three, four.
Hut, two, three, four.
Hut, two, three, four.
What's that?
- A parade. Oh, boy, I love parades.
SAM: Hut, two, three, four. Hut, two...
Get that rabbit.
Giddap, giddap, giddap, mule!
Hyah, hyah! Hyah, mule!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, mule.
Whoa, mule. Whoa.
Now, where'd that skunk of a rabbit go?
Why, you mangy, fang-tooth critter,
take that.
Maybe that'll learn you
to keep your big mouth shut.
That fur-bearing varmint's
around here somewheres.
How many times do I have to tell you...
...to shut up?
Wait till I lay my hands on that varmint.
How now, brown cow?
No long-eared galoot can outfox
the captain of the guards.
Okay, rabbit,
now let's see who's the smartest.
Oh, it looks like you outsmarted me.
Oh, woe is me.
Ah, shut up!
Here, lions.
I hate rabbits.
I better get out of here
while the getting's good.
You back already?
Where's your replacement?
You gotta give me another chance.
I'll get a replacement, honest.
- See that you do.
- I'll get the critter this time.
I'll send him to hell.
Oh, pardon my language.
Here you go.
What am I doing
on this humpbacked mule?
Great horny toads.
I'd recognize them flat feet anywhere.
Hyah, mule! Hyah, hyah, hyah!
Whoa, camel, whoa, whoa.
Whoa, camel, whoa!
Aw, come on, whoa.
When I say "whoa," I mean "whoa."
Now I hope that'll learn you,
you humpbacked muley.
Eh, what's up, doc?
You with the sideshow around here?
I'm no doc, you flea-bitten varmint.
I'm Riff-Raff Sam.
The riffiest riff that ever riffed a raft.
Your slip is showing.
Why, you.
Follow that rabbit. Giddyap.
Come on, camel, giddyap. Giddyap.
Hyah, hyah, hyah.
Camel, giddyap. Giddy-
When I say "giddyap," I mean "giddyap."
Whoa, camel, whoa. Whoa.
Whoa! Whoa, camel!
A car. Boy, what a break.
What a spot to pick for a mirage.
Whoa, camel, whoa! Whoa!
When I say "whoa," I mean "whoa."
Open the door. Open it up.
Open it, open it.
I could've swore
I heard somebody knocking.
Mm, oh, well.
Yoo-hoo, Mr. Arab.
Hyah, mule! Hyah, hyah, hyah, mule!
I wonder if he's stubborn enough
to open all those doors.
You just had to open every door,
didn't you?
I'll be right back. I'll get that bucktooth,
flop-eared, slimy varmint this time...
...or my name ain't Yosemite Sam.
That elevator only goes one way: down.
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ooh! Ooh!
Ow! Ow!
Maybe I better send you back my way.
Any one of you lily-livered, bowlegged
varmints care to slap leather with me?
In case any of you get any ideas, you
better know who you're dealing with.
I'm the hootinest, tootinest, shootinest,
bobtailed wildcat in the West.
I'm the fastest gun north, south,
east and west of the Pecos.
- I'm the-
BUGS: Eh, shut up.
Did I hear someone say "shut up"?
Stranger, you just yupped yourself
into a hole in the head.
You been eating onions.
And you're gonna be eating lead.
I'm a-warning you, stranger.
I think it's fair to warn you,
I swing a fair shooting iron myself.
You see that church bell out there?
I'll carom a shot off it,
then off that water tower...
...through the window,
off the bottle on this bar...
...then part your hair
right down the middle.
- Ha! You missed.
- Wait.
You call that shooting?
I'll show you some real shooting.
Now, beat that, varmint.
Gee, that's tough...
...but I'll try.
That does it.
I'm a-blasting you.
I kind of figured you'd like to settle this
in a gentleman-like manner.
Gentlemen? Well, that's against
my principals, but it's a deal.
Ten paces, turn and fire.
- All right?
- All right.
One, two, three, four, five, 10.
Ooh, get back, varmint.
Ooh, cut it out.
No more gentlemen stuff.
From now on, you fight my way.
I'll take care of you later.
I gotta catch a train.
And rob it.
Get back there, rabbit.
I'm a-gonna rob that train.
And I'm gonna save that train.
If you don't get back,
I'll blast you at the count of five.
One, two, three, four-
You stupid horse.
Get a-going.
Now, this time,
I'm only gonna count to three.
One, two-
You double-crossing rabbit,
you cut down your chances.
I'm only gonna count two
and then blast you.
One, two-
Hyah, hyah, hyah! Hyah, hyah, hyah!
Ha! This'll stop him.
You better stop your train, rabbit.
You better stop your train.
Well, I'm not stopping mine.
And I'm not stopping mine.
Oh, yeah?
We'll see who'll chicken out first.
Well, well, well,
look who just dropped in.
You must like it down here.
No, no, I hate it.
Oh, I am terribly disappointed in you.
However, I'm giving you
just one more chance.
Oh, no, you're not.
If you want him,
you can get him yourself.
I'm staying.
BUGS: Eh, the Roaring Twenties brought
on the cops-and-robbers movies...
...and audiences flocked into
the theaters to see their favorites.
FBI Agent Ness was brought in
to clean up the crime.
He became a public hero.
Friz Freleng decided
that whatever Ness could do...
...I could do better.
MAN: From this point on,
you will have to be on your own.
You will be known to the department
as Elegant Mess.
BUGS: Then I went ahead
and made a Ness of myself.
Look, fellas,
how many times do I have to tell you?
I haven't got a cold.
Heh-heh-heh. This is fun, Rocky.
In the wee hours of the morning...
...the mobsters' car was seen driving
out to the pier at Lake Michigan.
They drove away figuring they had
disposed of Mess permanently...
...but they had not figured
on his ingenuity.
The boys decided to throw a party
celebrating Rocky's birthday...
...and the removal of Agent Mess.
Among those attending
were Jack "Legs " Rhinestone...
...Baby Face Half-Nelson,
Pizza-Puss Lasagna...
...Pistol-Nose Pringle...
...and Teeth Malloy.
Rocky, we want to present to you
a token of our esteem.
Hi, suckers.
Who's the broad?
She's some looker, eh, Rocky?
Oh, what happened, Rocky?
You bonehead.
You know, you're a lucky broad.
I like you.
Stop the music.
Stop. Stop the music.
Stop the music.
Turn on the light, Mugsy.
Turn it off, quick.
You lunkhead.
Now, you get over here
and I'll turn on the light.
Then let him have it.
Okay, Rocky.
Gee, this is fun, Rocky.
Just like in the amusement park.
Shut up.
The way I work this thing,
you'd think I knew something about it.
NARRATOR: On August 19th, Rocky was
brought before Judge Hugo Straight...
...in Superior Court Number 5,
State of Illinois.
Has the defendant been read his rights?
Eh, I read him his rights, Your Honor,
didn't l, Clancy?
He surely did, Your Honor,
didn't he, O'Hara?
Aye, he did.
I myself heard it, didn't you, Bugs?
Aye, that I did.
I read him every right
the rascal had coming, didn't l, Clancy?
Oh, that's just it, lad. You certainly did.
Didn't he, O'Hara?
All right. All right already.
Does the defendant have anything to say
before I pronounce sentence?
One moment. I want to present
to the court a writ of habeas corpus...
...a writ of corpus delicti
and a writ of ad nauseam...
...charging that my client is deprived
of his rights of ipso facto...
...Iux et veritas
and e pluribus unum.
And I insist on his immediate release...
...under the precedence
set by Section 8, Paragraph 95...
...of Rogers v. Semper Fidelis.
Case dismissed.
Thank you.
NARRATOR: It wasn't long before Rocky
was up to his old tricks again.
All right, Mugsy, step on the gas.
Come back here, dimwit.
Wait for me, stupid. Stop.
NARRATOR: Agent Mess lost track
of Rocky's new hideout.
Then an event took place
that aroused his interest.
Jumping juniper, what's all the rumpus?
Jumping juniper, a golden egg.
Twenty-four-karat solid gold.
I'm rich. I'm rich.
Who's responsible? Who's responsible?
Who did this?
Uh, I know who it was. It was me.
But I'm no fool.
I know what happened to the goose
that laid the golden egg.
Well, come on now, don't be bashful.
Who did it?
Oh, I know who did it.
He did it.
Okay, so I laid an egg.
"Worth a fortune to owner."
Hey, that's better
than the numbers racket.
Hey, boys.
We're going in the poultry business.
NARRATOR: Agent Mess figured that
this was just the sort of inducement...
... that would lure Rocky out of hiding.
But- But- But I don't wanna sell him.
They talked me into it.
Say, what's going on around here?
What's the big idea?
All right, duck, make with a golden egg.
Egg, shmeg, I can't lay no egg.
I said, lay an egg, duck.
Oh, heh-heh, well, you see,
I can't lay no egg just anywhere.
I'm an artist.
I've gotta have atmosphere,
beautiful surroundings.
Okay, boys, make with the atmosphere.
Now, this is more like it.
Cut it.
All right, duck, about that egg.
Oh, yeah, the egg.
A little later on, possibly.
I'm not in the mood right now.
- Nick.
- Okay, boss.
It was ghastly.
The deck just seemed to lift up
under my feet.
Then I was in the water.
Black oily water.
I struggled.
Okay, duck, no more stalling, see.
You got just five minutes
to lay that egg or:
Well, I'll see what I can do,
but I gotta have privacy.
I never lay eggs in public.
Okay, duck.
But remember...
...five minutes.
Four minutes.
Your laundry, sir.
Three minutes.
Two minutes.
No egg?
So long, pal.
That just goes to show you...
...you don't know what you can do
till you got a gun against your head.
Well, toodles. See you around.
Just a minute, duck.
Fill them up.
COP 1:
We had you pegged all the time.
COP 2:
Thought you could get away with it, eh?
Is there anything
we can get for you, old chap?
Yes, get me a proctologist right away.
The headlines proclaimed...
...a loophole in the law
had freed Rocky again.
BUGS: Extra, read all about it:
Tweety Bird missing.
Bird gets the bird.
Read all about it: Million-dollar bird gone.
NARRATOR: Mess swore Sylvester in
as a special agent...
... to snoop around the back alleys
of the underworld...
... for signs of the missing Tweety.
Oh, ow! Ooh, ooh! Ow! Ooh, ooh!
Police authorities believe...
... Tweety Bird is being held for ransom
by the notorious Rocky and his gang.
And if you are listening to
this broadcast, Rocky, remember:
Don 't hurt the bird.
- T urn that off, Nick.
- Okay, Rocky, anything you say.
Those bad old gangsters.
Nasty old kidnappers.
I wonder where someone would
go about hiding a kidnapped bird.
Say, that must be
the missing kidnappee...
...and where there's a kidnappee,
the kidnappers must be close by.
Oh, goody, goody.
Look at that nice pussycat
trying to save me.
Hey, boss, I thought I saw a pussycat.
You did, you did see a pussycat.
I slipped.
Oh! Oh, there you are, pussy.
Oh, hide me, hide me, quick.
Here, hide here.
They'll never find you in here.
Oh, thank you.
Not so hard.
Hey, Rocky, the bird's gone.
He must be out here some place.
Okay, pussycat, where is it, the bird?
Oh, yeah?
Search the pussycat, Nick.
Okay, boss.
Okay, bird, the jig is up.
Hey, boss, this is all I could find.
Okay, cat, get your package and scram.
You dirty guys.
Okay, Rocky, open up now. We gotcha.
Cheese it, the cops. Hide the bird, quick.
COP: All right, Rocky,
down to the station house with you.
Hold it.
We are gathered here today
to pay homage to this magnificent cat...
...who fought his natural instincts
to save this little bird. Yes.
And now, gentlemen, you may take your
pictures of the cat kissing the little bird.
Come on, cat, kiss the little birdie.
Come on, pussycat, kiss the little birdie.
Oh, he's a bad pussycat.
On October 28...
...Agent Mess slapped the handcuffs
on Rocky and Mugsy...
...and brought them to justice.
They were sentenced to 20 years
of hard labor...
... which was a little tough
on Agent Mess...
... who was never able to find the keys
to his handcuffs.
Ah, this is Hollywood, city of winners.
Winners of Oscars, Emmys
and Grammys.
Friz Freleng won five Academy Awards
and two Emmys.
Me? I got a carrot.
When I complained to Friz, he said,
"Don 't bother me. I'm creating. "
So he created the Oswald Awards
just for us cartoon actors.
Now, tonight, you 're gonna witness
this exciting event.
Hello, greetings and hi.
Heh-heh. T onight l' m going to interview
some of these cartoony celebrities.
That is, if I can find one.
Here's one now, even as I speak.
It's that little stinker Pep Le Pew...
...the greatest lover to ever appear
on the silver screen.
And off the screen too, n'est pas?
Say something to your fans,
Mr. Pep Le-
P- yew!
Gee. Heh-heh.
Boy, I must say, meeting you has been
a breathtaking experience.
Well, look who's here.
It's Parker Pig.
The name's Porky Pig.
Who's your friends?
The three-
Two little pigs plus one.
- Show biz folks, huh?
- No, they're build-
They're contractors.
- I built my house of straw.
- I built my house of sticks.
I built my house of bricks.
I must say, looks like
you're all living high on the hog.
Little pig joke there.
Don't I know you?
Now, don't tell me.
Let me see, I'll get it, I'll get it.
- It's Big Bad, Big Bad-
- Wolf.
No, no, no. I don't believe it was "Wolf."
Half the sound. It may end with an F,
but not "Wolf."
I'm the Big Bad Wolf
and I'm in the demolition business.
I huff, and I puff,
and I blow their houses down.
Hmm. Sound like a good business to me
and no overhead.
Now, there's some fancy feathers
for you.
Whoa, horse, whoa.
Well, now, if it ain't that rip-roaring,
bronchial-busting Wild Bill Hickok.
I came here to win
one of them Oswalds.
I'll tell you, Tex,
you got a fifty-fifty chance.
Either you win or you lose,
like Sam Stone.
Well, just in case, I brought along
a little winner's insurance.
Yeah. Ha-ha-ha!
Oh, look. Here comes
that famous store pigeon, Henery Hawk.
It's Tweety Pie.
Howdy, Mr. Pie.
Oh, I thought I saw a pussycat.
"l thought I saw a pussycat." Ha.
Isn't it time you saw something else?
Stupid bird.
Well, here comes
that Looney Tuney duck.
It's me, Daffy Duck in person.
Famous star of stage,
screen and television.
Please, hold down your applause,
my ears can only stand so much.
Just for that, no autographs.
Oh. Oh. Oh, heartbeat, heartbeat.
And now, for the moment
we've all been waiting for...
...here's that lovable star,
a favorite around the world...
...Mr. Show Business himself...
...Mr. Bugs Dummy.
What a scene-stealer,
stepping on my applause.
Trying to upstage me,
as if that were humanly possible.
Eh, what's up, duck?
You're despicable.
I hate you.
Say the secret word and win an Oswald.
Eh, good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
We are gathered here to award
the Oswald to that actor...
...who has given the world so much joy.
We know who that's going to be,
don't we, Granny?
You tell me, I'm too modest.
We will select this outstanding star
from one of the many qualified artists...
...to receive this coveted award.
Stop teasing the audience,
you stupid rabbit.
Read my name.
The first nomination is the Big Bad Wolf.
I wanna thank you and my three
supporting actors wanna thank you.
Say thanks to the audience, piggies.
That's enough, now sit down.
They nominate that wolf for acting?
Heh. He couldn't call his dog
and make it believable.
Okay, Charlie, roll it.
Remember the story of Three Little Pigs
One played a pipe
And the other danced jigs
The Three Little Pigs are still around
But they're playing music
With a modern sound
Three Little Pigs were in the groove
Everything was runnin ' smooth
The pigs were due for a big surprise
For the wolf appeared
With red-rimmed eyes
Oh, you 're cool
Oh, you 're cool
Oh, you 're cool, man, cool
Well, to show he was friendly
He shook their hand
Announced he was joinin ' up
With the band
Instead of startin ' an argument
A- one and a-two and away they went
The Three Little Pigs were really gassed
They'd never heard such a corny blast
- We've played in the west.
- We've played in the east.
We've heard the most,
but you're the least.
Well, the Big Bad Wolf was really mad
He wanted to play music
And he wanted to play bad
They stopped me
before I could go to town...
...so I'll huff, and puff,
and blow their house down.
The House of Straw was blown away
The pigs had to find
Another place to play
At Dew Drop Inn
The House of Sticks
The Three Little Pigs were givin ' out licks
Well, the piano-playin ' pig
Was swingin ' like a gate
Doin ' Liberace on an 88
I wish my brother George was here.
Three Little Pigs were havin ' a ball
When the Big Bad Wolf
He entered the hall
The Big Bad Wolf, he sat right down
Come on, cats, we' re going to town.
Hey, l' m out of sight.
From the crowd came an angry shout
ALL: Stop the music.
Throw this square out.
Big Bad Wolf was really sore
If they're gonna get tough,
I'll give them more.
They don't know talent
in this here town.
I'll huff, and puff,
and blow the place down.
Dew Drop Inn did drop down
The Three Little Pigs
Crawled out of the rubble
This Big Bad Wolf
gives us nothing but trouble.
So we won 't be bothered
by his windy tricks-
The next place we play
must be made of bricks.
Sturdy place, this house of bricks
Built in 1776
High-class place with a high-class crowd
Sign on the door
"No Wolves Allowed"
The wolf was sore and fit to be tied
He was sworn
And determined to get inside
He huffed and puffed
At the house of bricks
But bricks are stronger
Than straw or sticks
He huffed and puffed
And bleeped and blooped
And at 10: 00 was completely pooped
When all of a sudden came a ray of hope
I could disguise myself.
Boy, what a dope.
How do you like that, sister?
He's running the whole gamut
of emotions from A to B.
If you don't shut that yellow beak
of yours, I'll shut it for you.
I'd like to see you try it.
This beak of mine is gonna keep flapping
as long as-
Maybe that'll shut you up for a while.
I suppose you think that's funny.
None of us think that.
Watch it, pigs.
I'll show those pigs that I'm not stuck.
If I can't blow it down, I'll blow it up.
Well, the Big Bad Wolf was really gone
And with him went his corny horn
Went out of this world without a trace
Didn 't go to heaven
Was the other place
The Big Bad Wolf, he learned the rule.
You gotta get hot to play real cool.
Eh, for the next nomination...
...we have two
of Hollywood's most popular stars...
...Tweety Pie and Sylvester.
Thanks a lot.
Thank you.
Thank you for this great honor.
Here's a few scenes
of Tweety and Sylvester at their best.
I thought I saw a pussycat.
I wouldn't do that if I were you.
If I were you, I'd put him back.
It can only lead to self-destruction.
It only takes one bird to start you...
...and before you know it,
it's two birds, then three.
Suddenly, without realizing it,
you're a victim.
Then, one day, the end of the road.
If you really want to beat this,
look us up.
We can help you.
Our new member
has come to us for help.
Would someone volunteer
to tell what BA has done for him?
I was a three-bird-a-day pussycat
until BA helped me.
Being on a bird kick
cost me five homes.
BA helped me solve my problem.
Fellow members...
...from now on my motto is
"Birds is strictly for the birds."
Good morning,
my little feathered friend.
I got it beat.
My willpower is indomitable.
Sylvester, you are really a hypocrite.
Let's see what's cooking on TV.
MAN [ON TV]: After basting, you 'll find
your bird will come out golden-brown.
Every succulent morsel
will simply melt in your mouth.
How easy the white meat slices, eh?
Doesn 't that look-?
What's the matter with me?
I- I gotta get birds off of my mind.
Maybe I'll take up a hobby.
What kind of a hobby
would interest a cat?
Badminton? No, that's got a bird in it.
Oh, golf.
There's birdies in golf.
Falconry? No, no, that's out.
Baseball. That's it.
But what about the Baltimore Orioles?
You ought to be ashamed of yourself.
Y eah, you ought to be ashamed
of yourself.
You bad old pussycat.
I know. I'll play the radio.
Music will get my mind off of it.
That was "Bye-bye Blackbird. "
And now we'll play "When the Red, Red
Robin Comes Bob, Bob Bobbing Along. "
I gotta stop myself.
Now I won't be able to get the bird.
Oh, Mr. Pussycat?
Don't you like me anymore?
I- I think- I think-
I think you're-
I think you're delicious!
I'm sorry I had to do that.
I was afraid you might be weakening.
Yes, I did weaken.
Thanks a lot.
Uh-oh. Here we go again.
One little bird, just one. Just one.
No one'll know the difference.
No one. No one.
Just one, then I'll quit.
I'll quit after one.
Just one. Just one.
One little bird. Just one.
One. One.
I can't stand it. I'm weak.
My compliments
on a very fine performance, Sylvester.
- Say, you're pretty good too, Clarence.
- I gotta have a bird.
I'm weak.
I'm weak, but I don't care.
I can't help it.
After all, I am a pussycat.
Oh, come now.
There's no need for this demonstration.
Birds and cats can live together
with brotherly love. Watch.
Come here, little bird.
Here, you see?
I really love birds.
- Let me go. Let me go.
- Stop it!
I gotta have it.
- One little bird. Just one.
- Control yourself.
It's been so long.
- Let me go.
- Like I said before...
...once a bad old pussycat,
always a bad old pussycat.
I'll take possession of that little bird.
You can't be trusted.
And that makes two of you.
That's the story of my life.
In one cat and out the other.
Our next nominee is a star whose name
is synonymous with show business.
It's about time.
Whose fame has spread
all over the world.
Hold your applause
until he announces my name.
Then you can cheer your heads off.
And the nominee is-
Oh, goodness me.
How about that?
The nominee is, heh-heh-heh...
...Bugs Bunny.
What? Bugs Bunny?
Well, it can't be.
This whole thing must be fixed.
It's a big rip-off.
And here's a few scenes
from my picture High Diving Hare.
BUGS: Hurry, hurry, hurry.
Step right this way, friends.
Right this way.
Yes, ladies and gentlemen,
the greatest aggregation of talent ever...
... to be presented
on any vaudeville stage.
Butterfingers and Clumsy,
the world's foremost jugglers.
Fearless Freep
and his sensational high-diving act.
Fearless Freep?
That's my boy.
Give me a ticket.
Give me a whole mess of them.
I'm a-splurging.
Bring on Fearless Freep.
On with the show.
BUGS: "Delayed by storm. Stop.
Arrive tomorrow."
Signed "Fearless Freep."
Come on. quit stalling.
Bring on Freep.
quiet. quiet, please.
Ladies and gentlemen,
due to an unfortunate delay...
...Fearless Freep will be unable to
perform his high-diving act today.
I paid my four bits
to see the high-diving act...
...and I'm a-gonna
see the high-diving act.
Well, you talked me into it.
No stalling. Now keep a-moving.
All right, all right. quit shoving.
Now, you varmint, dive.
Okay, but you gotta close your eyes
while I put on my bathing suit.
Oh, all right, but make it snappy.
By gar, the critter went and done it.
And, now, ladies and gentlemen,
for our next attraction-
I said, I aim to see you dive,
and I'm a-going to.
Well, here I go again.
One for the money, two for the show,
three to make ready and four to go.
Bon voyage.
Uh-oh. Forgot to fill the tank with water.
If you ask me,
that rabbit is making a fool-
I'm not asking you, I'm telling you.
Shut up, duck!
I'm shutting.
Now, you dog-blasted, ornery,
no-account, long-eared varmint.
Hey, just a minute, you.
Them's fighting words.
Yeah, them's fighting words.
I dast you to step across this line.
I'm a-stepping.
I hate you.
Now, you smarty pants,
let's see you get out of this one.
This time you're a-diving.
I know this defies the law of gravity,
but you see, I never studied law.
And now that moment
we have all been waiting for.
The envelope, please.
Oh, my goodness,
I just can't believe it.
Oh, this is too much.
Give me. I'm not too humble
to read my own name.
The winner
of this year's Oswald Award is...
...Bugs Bunny?
Stop the music! Hold your applause!
It's fixed. He gave himself the award.
It's a phony.
I don't deserve this.
Really, it's just too much. I'm-
You are despicable.
I challenge your so-called talents.
I can do anything better than you.
Yes, I can. Yes, I can. Yes, I can.
Let the audience decide. I dare you.
Okay, Daffy, fair enough.
Try not to trip me up
with those big feet, please.
I'll try, Daffy.
We're on.
Boy, listen to that. They love me.
I'm sick of people taking bows
for my talent.
Now, do your own dance.
I challenge you.
Dance, if you're not a coward.
If they liked that mess,
they're starving for some real hoofing.
I'll kill them. Music, maestro, please.
E- flat from the top.
Obviously, this audience has no class.
I've got a pigeon act
that will bowl them over.
Okay, Daffy,
I'm giving you all the rope you need.
Now it's my turn to do an act.
Go ahead. I'll love to see the audience
boo you off the stage.
After which,
I place a volunteer in this box...
...and proceed to saw him in half.
What? Don't tell me you've got the gall
to pull that old sawing-in-half routine?
Yes, if I get a volunteer.
Volunteer? Hmm.
I'll be your volunteer.
This whole thing is a fake.
The way it's done is very simple.
Fake feet out one end
and I'm all scrunched up in this end.
The oldest trick in the book.
His turban is a fake too.
Just a hotel towel.
Don't applaud him.
Look, I'm not cut in half.
Stop applauding!
It's a fake!
Hmph. It's a good thing I got Blue Cross.
And after intermission,
I'll play the xylophone.
Xylophone? Hmm.
I can get rid of the rabbit
and it'll look like an accident.
When he strikes this note...
...instead of a xylophone,
he'll be playing a harp.
Now with your kind indulgence, I'll
play "Those Endearing Young Charms."
That's wrong, you dumb bunny!
Try it again!
Ooh! No, no, you stupid rabbit.
Like this:
Look at the egomaniac out there
making a fool of himself.
I hate you.
Now you've forced me to use the act
I've held back for a special occasion.
Just try and top this one.
I now present an act...
...that no other performer
has ever dared to execute.
In fairness, I must warn
those with weak constitutions...
...to leave the theater
for this performance.
Thank you.
Some appropriate music, maestro.
Thank you.
First, some nitroglycerin.
A goodly amount of gunpowder.
Some uranium 238.
Shake well.
Strike an ordinary match.
Girls, you'd better hold
onto your boyfriends.
Swallow the match so.
That's terrific, Daffy. They loved it.
They want more.
Here, Daffy,
you deserve this more than I do.
It just goes to show you...
...you gotta kill yourself
to win an Oswald in this town.
That's all folks.
Hey, I'm supposed to-
That's my line.
Well, then say it.
Th- Th- That's- That's-
Dirty guys.