Love, Wedding, Marriage (2011) Movie Script
[Soft marimba music]
- Ava, we've been dating
for 21/2 years,
and what I'm about to say,
I've considered very seriously.
I sound like a lawyer.
I look in your eyes,
and I drown in them.
Drown in them?
Babe, you know I'm bad
with telling you how I feel.
Will you be my wife?
Will you marry me?
Can we get married?
Ava.
You can do this.
[Sighs]
It's, like, the little things
that I really love.
I find it so adorable
that you can't make
a decision
without consulting
your horoscope.
I love that you watch the same
sad movie over and over again,
hoping for a happy ending.
I love how you make
your coffee.
I love you, Ava, and I don't
want to spend another day
without knowing
if you'll be my wife.
So will you do me this honor?
Will you marry me?
- Brittany, Brittany,
this is Ryan.
Trust me,
you two have a lot in common.
Good to see you.
Where is Ava?
Go find your sister.
- All rise.
- Our wedding day was
the happiest day of my life.
I was marrying
the man of my dreams,
and our happily ever after
was about to begin.
Charlie and I met
once upon a time,
when I was getting my PhD
in psychology at Berkeley
and he was working
at a vineyard in Napa.
We fell in love
on the very first date.
He took me to an art fair
in San Francisco.
The next day, he surprised me
with a painting I had admired,
and I was hooked.
I believe lasting love
is possible
because of my parents.
Their 30-year union
is the reason I became
a marriage counselor
and why I was ready to make
the commitment myself.
[Glass shatters]
- Mazel tov!
[Applause]
And that dimpled smile
doesn't hurt.
- So embarrassing.
Thank you.
[Old-timey jazz music playing]
[Children laughing]
I love you both.
I love you both.
I've known him my whole life,
and I still love you.
I can't even say that
about anyone else,
like, not even my own parents.
- Okay, we love you too,
Gerber.
- No, love, man.
Love.
That's what it's all about.
You know, from now on,
I'm gonna be
a one-woman guy.
- Per week?
- I'm serious.
Uh, hello?
We didn't actually...
- There he goes.
- Shelby, are you, like,
avoiding me?
Come on, we were in the middle
of talking about horses.
I love horses.
- You ready to get out of here,
Mrs. Dalton?
- I should warn you:
I've been saving a few tricks
for the honeymoon.
- Let's go.
- Okay.
[Excited chatter]
Ready?
- Yeah!
Oh!
Oh, you got smoked.
In your face.
You got rocked.
[Serene instrumental music]
[children laughing]
- Black.
Two sugars.
- Two orders,
wheat toast with mayo.
Yum.
- The only way to eat toast.
- Your horoscope says,
"Today your positive
mental energy
"will ensure that everything
goes your way.
Take advantage
of your good luck. "
- That's great.
Maybe that means
this year's harvest
will be the vineyard's
best vintage ever.
- Fingers crossed.
- How about
you skip out early,
take advantage of me tonight?
- Oh, I could cancel
my last couple.
- I'll reschedule
my afternoon.
- See you at 6:00.
Let's take a minute
to validate those feelings.
It sounds like Lloyd
is feeling angry
because Courtney took advantage
of his credit card.
- She didn't take advantage
of it.
She raped it.
At Saks.
She roofied it,
bent it over, and...
- Okay.
Courtney raped your credit card.
And Courtney is still angry
because you slept
with another woman.
- "A slutty, trashy whore"
were my exact words.
- Obviously Courtney still
has some unresolved issues
about the affair.
- But 9 grand on shoes?
- Why should I suffer
just because you're not rich
like my father?
- If your father's so great,
why didn't you marry him?
- He wasn't available.
- I want you to think back
to when you first met.
What attracted you
to one another?
And I want you to make a list
of all of the qualities
that made you want
to get married.
The key to a successful marriage
is to find those qualities
that make you fall in love
with your spouse
all over again
every day.
- Oh, I know they're here
somewhere.
Where are they?
Ugh.
- Shelby, what are you doing?
- Where do you keep
all your stuff?
- What stuff?
- The meds!
- I'm a psychologist,
not a psychiatrist.
I can't prescribe meds.
- Jesus, Ava.
That's the only reason
I took this job.
- I'm not even sure
they've invented a drug
to begin tackling your issues.
- Don't judge my pain.
You're my sister.
Can't you at least
refer me to someone?
- If I referred you
to a psychiatrist,
they'd have you committed.
- Would there be meds involved?
- And a straightjacket.
Did you mail out
those invitations for me?
- For Mom and Dad's
surprise party?
- Yes.
- I got the guest list
right here.
- Thank you.
[Man and woman
arguing indistinctly]
Glad that's not my next client.
[Scoffs]
- Darlings.
- Hi.
- Hi.
What was all the yelling about?
- Just your mother's
normal kvetching.
- Oh, would you stop
talking like that?
This isn't a production
of Fiddler On The Roof.
- Would you just relax
and stop acting like
some kind of meshuggener
in front of our daughters?
- What does that even mean?
Jesus!
- Jewish.
- Okay, can we just take this
into my office, please?
Right into my office.
Thank you.
Come on.
All right.
Bradley, Betty,
why don't you calmly express
what's upsetting you?
- Well, I didn't want to have
to tell you this, Ava...
- No, Betty.
Don't tell her.
It'll break her heart.
- I want a divorce.
- What?
- Both of you...
everyone, take a seat.
Ooh, everybody calm down
and take a breath.
Okay.
Betty, what triggered
this decision?
- Your sack-of-shit father
cheated on me.
- We were separated.
We were separated at the time.
- Yeah, but he still managed
to knock me up.
Did we conceive Shelby
before or after your affair?
- Oh, my God.
Dad, explain.
- You were about three years old
when we were relocated to London
for my job,
and I was working overtime.
It was hardly a recipe
for a happy marriage,
so we decided to separate...
- Which for your father
meant doing it
with the first woman
he could find...
a minor detail he waited
25 years to tell me.
- Okay, I hear you.
I understand.
You feel betrayed,
and I'm not minimizing
what happened 25 years ago,
but is it really worth
throwing away
a long and happy marriage?
- What makes you think
that I've been happy?
- Well, of course we're happy.
- Well, of course you're happy.
I've spent the best part
of my life
catering to your adulterous ass.
Now it's my turn.
I want to feel sexy.
I want to...
I want to have adventures.
- Okay.
Okay, Betty.
We're making some progress.
I want you both
to close your eyes,
take a deep breath,
and let's try and reconnect
with some of those feelings
you had
when you first decided
to get married.
- Ava, this Berkeley bullshit
isn't gonna work on me.
- Mom!
- Look, I'm sorry, darling,
but I'm not gonna take
marital advice
from my 28-year-old
newlywed daughter.
- I'm a professional.
- And you're
a hopeless romantic.
You've been watching
Gone With The Wind
every Thanksgiving
for the last 25 years.
- It's a very long weekend.
- And I would give it up, honey.
Rhett Butler's
never gonna stick around.
- But they were
at cross-purposes.
- You know, the point is that
I am the voice of experience.
I have done 30 years
of hard marriage,
30 years of lies
and deceit,
and in all that time,
you've never once
put the toilet roll
back on the dispenser.
- And after 30 years, you'd
think she'd give it up, huh?
- Bradley, you can have
that bathroom all to yourself,
because I am moving in
with Shelby.
- Ava, you can't let Mom
move in with me.
- Okay, Mom, let's pause
and assess the situation.
We don't have to make
any permanent decisions today.
- Good-bye, Bradley.
Have a nice life.
- I refuse to live with Mom,
Ava.
- Okay, we have much bigger
problems here, Shelby.
- Yeah, like a 30th anniversary
party for a divorced couple.
[Gentle instrumental music]
[door clicks open]
- Hey, babe.
It's 6:00.
Time for our date.
I promise I'll hook up the dryer
this week, okay?
- I don't care.
- What's up?
- Today was probably
the worst day of my life,
and that's not an exaggeration.
- What happened?
- My dad had an affair.
- What?
- Before Shelby was born,
but my mom just found out,
and now she wants a divorce.
- That was 25 years ago.
- They were still married,
Charlie.
Oh...
They were so happy.
- So what are you gonna do?
- Technically I'm not supposed
to treat them
because we're family.
- So don't tell them
you're counseling them.
Do it without them knowing.
- Yeah, I could help them
surreptitiously.
- Where you going?
- To see my mom.
- Now?
What about our 6:00 date?
- The first 24 hours
of a separation
are critical, Charlie.
[Door clicks shut]
[Touch-tones beeping]
[Line rings]
- Hello?
- Hey, Shel. It's me.
- Oh, my God.
You got to get up here.
She's driving me crazy.
[Door buzzes]
Welcome to hell.
- Ava, shouldn't you be home
basking in your
newly wedded bliss?
- Mom, are you sure moving out
is the best solution?
- Well, I certainly can't live
in the same house
as my ex-husband.
Shelby, we need to move
the couch to the window.
- Uh, I like it where it is.
- No, you don't.
- You can't possibly be
considering getting a divorce
after all these years.
- This is between me
and your father.
- Little help, please!
- Okay, I completely encourage
your personal development, Mom,
but you can take time to work on
yourself and still be married.
- Well, it hasn't worked for me
so far.
Maybe it's time
I made myself happy.
- Are you really upset
about an old affair,
or are you just using that
as an excuse to leave?
- Ava, be my daughter,
not my therapist.
- I'm just trying
to understand the situation.
- It's complicated.
Why don't you ask your father
these questions?
- I'm going to,
but I really think you and Dad
would benefit from going to see
a counselor,
and I can recommend
someone great.
- I'm not really sure
I believe in therapy.
- Excuse me?
- Oh, not you, honey.
I thought your therapy today
was wonderful.
- Therapy can be really helpful.
I still go see my therapist
once a month for maintenance.
- [Sighs]
Well, I'll go.
If it'll make you happy.
- I thought it was time
to make yourself happy.
- I'm afraid that's all the time
we have for today.
It's really important for me
to get to know more
about both of you,
so I'm gonna need you
to fill out
these premarital
compatibility tests.
- Tests?
- More like questionnaires.
Don't worry. There are no
right or wrong answers.
Just be honest.
- Do we answer them
individually?
- Yes, and then I'll compare
your answers
to see how compatible you are.
So, Amy, you can stay in here,
and, John, why don't you
follow me out to reception?
- Okay.
See you.
- Thank you.
- Infidelity is one way
to discover if you still
really love your spouse.
Yeah.
You're welcome.
- Please tell me that was not
a prospective client.
- No.
They changed their mind.
And what the hell
is an angry pirate, anyway?
- Shelby.
- Back off.
- Give me my patient folders.
Give me...
- [laughing]
- I'm all right.
- Uh...
- They're confidential.
- Party pooper.
- I am locking
the filing cabinet.
Have you talked to Dad?
I've been trying him
all afternoon.
I can't get ahold of him.
- You think he cashed in
his chips?
- Where do you come up
with this stuff?
- I was an unwanted child, okay?
I have issues.
And besides,
his wife of 30 years
just left him.
- I'm gonna run by the house
and check on him.
Will you collect their tests
when they're done?
- Sure.
I'll meet you there.
Wait.
Ava.
Mom and Dad, they're gonna
work it out, right?
- Of course.
It's only natural for marriages
to go through ups and downs.
- Okay, I just... I can't imagine
them not together.
- Don't worry.
Once they get into therapy,
they'll fall in love
all over again.
Trust me.
[Playful instrumental music]
- You put B for number 20?
- Yeah, she said there were
no right or wrong answers.
- I'd go with C.
- But she said to be honest.
- Do you want to get married
or not?
[soft mischievous music]
- Dad?
Dad, are you here?
Dad?
Dad?
[Screams]
I know Tae Bo!
- It's okay.
I'm not gonna hurt you.
- Don't worry, sweetheart.
It's just the deli delivery boy.
- Matzo ball soup.
I'll just put it
in the kitchen.
- You scared me.
- My apologies.
- Why are you in the dark?
- It's the Sabbath.
- So this isn't
a sign of depression?
- Well, I'll just head out,
then.
- Yeah.
Yeah, thank you,
deli delivery boy
from the local deli.
- I was so worried.
I called you all afternoon.
- I'm sorry, hon.
You know,
in the Orthodox tradition,
we're not allowed
to answer the phone.
- Ugh.
Would you knock it off?
You've never been
this Jewish before.
- I've always been Jewish.
- You've never been religious.
You were always the first dad
on the block
to go out and buy
a Christmas tree.
- Well, I wanted to be
a perfect father to you girls.
I still do.
You don't really need me
anymore.
You got Charlie.
And being Jewish is the only
thing that feels familiar.
- Sometimes change
can be positive.
You and Mom could use this time
to improve your relationship.
- I just want things
the way they were.
- I think you're using
your spirituality
to avoid dealing
with the fact that Mom left.
- Are you analyzing me, Ava?
- No, no.
I'm just suggesting
maybe you do something
to make Mom want to come back.
- Well, I'm her husband.
This is her home.
That should be enough.
- I want a pony!
- What?
- Well, if you're not gonna act
your age, neither am I.
- Glad to know you're alive.
- Hi, Shel.
- Who was the hottie?
- Nobody.
- Just the local
deli delivery guy.
Oh, maybe Dad
could hook you up.
- Ooh, I could go for some
of those matzo balls.
- Shelby.
- Touchy.
What's with all the candles?
- Dad's being Jewish.
- So this is what it's like
to be Jewish.
- Mom agreed to go see
a marriage counselor.
- She did?
- I could set you up
with a fantastic therapist.
- You think that would help?
- I think I want to be Jewish.
- What?
- What?
- You're getting a pony.
I want a bat mitzvah.
[Playful instrumental music]
[door clicks open]
- Oh, don't make
any sudden movements.
- Don't hate me...
- Okay, knock if off,
you two.
[Laughs]
Hi.
I'm just kidding.
- Dad, why don't you go get
settled up in the guest room?
- Oh, yeah, thanks, honey.
It'll be fun to have
some company.
Huh?
[Chuckles]
- Ava?
- I went over to go see my dad,
and he was all alone
in the dark.
He's so depressed.
- Is he moving in?
- Only for a couple days.
- Your father
cannot live here, Ava.
- [Sighs]
It's only temporary.
- Yeah?
Then why did he bring
his goldfish?
- Couldn't get him to leave
without Malcolm.
- Malcolm?
Really?
We're supposed to make
decisions like this together.
- Please.
Please.
- Okay.
But just for a few days.
[Knock at door]
Gerber.
- Hey.
- What are you doing here?
- Oh, buddy.
Where's Ava?
Hey.
- Hi.
- There's someone
I'd like you to meet.
Guys, this is Kasha.
- Nice to meet you.
- My wife.
- What?
- Huh?
- My wife.
I finally pulled the trigger.
- When?
- Today.
Charlie, you were right.
You know the moment
you meet your wife.
- Congratulations.
Ah!
Oh, my gosh.
- I didn't even know
you were dating.
- Buddy.
- You move fast.
- Well, I had to.
Her visa's up in a week.
If I'd let her go back
behind the iron curtain,
I might never have seen
my little Polish princess
ever again.
- There's no iron curtain
anymore, Gerber.
- Yeah, tell that
to immigration.
- So... where did you meet?
- Oh, thank you.
- You are ridiculously cute.
She's still working
on her English.
- How did you meet her?
- Well, last night,
I went to a bar,
and I ordered a shot of vodka...
- Vodka?
- Vodka.
In Charlie's honor.
- My honor?
- For a fallen comrade.
- But you don't even
drink vodka.
- I know.
That's the most amazing part.
It was handed to me
by this Slavic goddess,
and at that moment, I knew.
It was fate.
- Gerber, that is so romantic.
Welcome to our country.
[Laughter]
- Oh, thank you!
- Her English is great.
- Oh...
We got you a wedding present!
Uh-oh.
Look what happened.
- Thanks, Gerber.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
- It was nothing.
Besides, us married folk
should stick together.
- I hate Gerber.
- Doesn't he know
we have to wake up early?
- He promised
this was their last song.
- # We've been together
since way back when #
# Sometimes I never want to see
you again, girl #
Come on.
- # But I want you to go...
know #
- What do you want me to know?
- # After all these years #
- Yeah, sing it, girl.
- # You're still the one #
# I want whisper in my ear #
all:
# You're still the one #
- # I want to talk to in bed #
all:
# You're still the one #
- # That turns my head #
all:
# We're still having fun #
# And you're still the one #
- # I look at your face
every day #
- I can't take this anymore.
- Thank God.
Let's take the party upstairs,
please.
- Ava!
Ava, you got to try this.
I mean, you push a button,
and the music comes out,
and words, like, pop up
on the screen and...
- # Deep in the desert #
# I longed for the snow #
both:
# Still the one #
- # That makes me laugh #
both:
# You're still the one #
- # My better half #
[gentle instrumental music]
- Hey, babe.
Come see me at the winery.
We'll have lunch
at the vineyard cafe.
- Charlie, Ava's here
in the vineyard garden.
- He loves you.
- I wasn't doing that.
It's just a nervous habit.
- Right.
- I'm meeting the caterer here
in an hour to discuss the party.
- You aren't canceling
the party?
- No.
It's in three weeks.
They're gonna be
back together by then.
- I have total faith in you,
babe,
but you may want to consider
the possibility
that they don't
get back together.
- What kind of marriage
counselor would I be
if I took that approach?
Besides, my horoscope today
said that I can achieve
whatever I set my mind to.
- Here it is.
- Thanks, Adrianna.
- Charlie, your interview
with Wine magazine
is confirmed for 3:00.
Hi, Ava.
- Hi.
- I had a great time
at the wedding.
You looked very pretty.
- Thank you.
- So I had this made
for us.
- What?
- It's a belated
wedding present.
- Wow.
Okay.
- Our own vintage.
We'll open it
on our tenth anniversary,
and, like our marriage,
it will only improve with age.
- This was so sweet of you.
- It was, wasn't it?
- Come here.
Thank you.
- [Smooches]
- Charlie.
My dad's staying
in the next room.
[Breathing heavily]
[Tapping]
- Ah, come on.
Come on.
[Tapping]
[Pounding]
Bradley.
- Oh, morning, Charlie.
Yeah.
Oh, I didn't wake you, did I?
- Oh, no.
I was up.
- Dad, what are you doing?
- Putting up a mezuzah.
You didn't have one.
- We're not Jewish.
- It's crooked.
- Yeah, well, it doesn't hurt
to have a little blessing
on your home.
I thought Charlie could use
some help with those pictures.
- Uh, that really
wasn't necessary,
and I prefer to do that type
of thing on my own,
and I'm actually quite obsessed
with my paintings and...
- But it was very thoughtful
of you to want to help.
- [Laughs]
- Oh, and, Dad, don't forget,
you and Mom have a meeting
with the therapist tonight.
I've heard great things
about him.
- Yeah.
- I'm gonna make some coffee.
Bradley, do you want some?
- Is it kosher?
- I have no idea.
- Then I'll pass.
- I can't imagine
why she left.
[Mischievous instrumental music]
- Betty.
Bradley.
Entrez.
There's an exercise
I like to do
with all my patients
before they sit down,
Sort of a ritual.
So start out by taking
short, quick breaths
through the nose,
like this.
[Snorting]
[All snorting]
Now I want you to shake out
your body, like this.
Then hop up and down like this.
This is wonderful
for igniting your chakra energy.
Hop, hop, hop.
- More like
ignite your sphincter.
- [Snorting]
- Shake out.
Shake out.
- Who's that?
- Adrianna.
I swear, if Gerber's not here
in the next five minutes,
we're ordering without him.
What's that?
- It's a Polish phrase book.
I though it might help us get
to know Kasha a little better.
- Yeah?
What's Polish for "green card"?
- Don't be so cynical.
They're in love.
- They don't even speak
the same language.
- Did you know there are
five love languages?
Not all of them are verbal.
- Seriously?
You're the one saying
that marriage takes work,
commitment...
- But the falling-in-love stage
is the best part.
- Wow.
I guess the honeymoon is over.
- Baby, I fall in love with you
all over again every day.
- Hi.
Sorry we're late.
- Okay.
- Mwah, mwah.
- Oh.
- Three.
- Three times.
- Thank you.
- Ha-ha!
Ha-ha!
Wonderful, you two.
Natural hoppers,
the both of you.
Let's have a seat.
What I need to know
is how you feel,
right here, right now.
- Winded.
- [Clears throat]
I meant emotionally.
- I feel humiliated.
- Yeah, me too.
Oh, you might want to rethink
that whole hopping ritual.
- I meant by your affair.
And now you won't even
tell the girls about Ian.
I feel like the last 25 years
of our marriage
was nothing but a sham,
built on secrets and deception.
- She's got you there, Bradley.
- Excuse me?
- You had the affair.
She posted the first points.
What's your comeback?
- Are you keeping score?
- It helps me figure out
who's to blame.
- Oh, yeah.
Mmm.
That is a perfectly cooked
steak.
How's your dinner, babe?
- It's cost my arms and legs.
[Laughter]
- Um, it's arm and leg.
[Smooching]
It's an arm and leg.
- An arm?
- An arm and leg.
- And leg.
- It costs an arm and leg.
- It costs an arm and leg.
- How cute is that?
That is cute.
Oh, as I keep explaining
to these officials,
that we had to get married
in a hurry
because her visa's running out.
- You didn't actually say that.
- You told me to be honest.
- Yeah, but I meant tell them
that you're so in love,
you couldn't wait
to get married,
not, "Let's do it
before she gets deported. "
- Well, I can't think
of a better reason
to get married on the fly.
Not like "I'm drunk
and in Vegas"
type deal, right, buddy?
[Soft thud]
Ow!
That was one
of your dumber ideas.
- What was a dumb idea?
- Oh!
Charlie!
[Mumbles indistinctly]
- I'm so sorry, buddy.
- Okay, now a little
to the right.
There you go.
Ooh, bull's-eye.
Whoop.
No lookee.
- Maybe you should go home
and change.
- Charlie, what's with you?
- He's like Edward Scissorhands.
# Clumsy #
You got to live with that.
Now I know
why your first wife left you.
Oh!
- [Speaking Polish]
- Okay.
I'm okay.
I'm okay.
You're okay?
[Speaking Polish]
- First wife?
What... what's he talking about?
- You never told her?
- When do you intend
to tell our daughters?
- I don't.
- Tell them what, Bradley?
- Nothing.
- Oh, for God's sakes.
You're not even gonna tell
our therapist about Ian?
- This is a private matter,
Betty.
He's a stranger.
- This is exactly your problem.
You're afraid of change.
You're afraid of anything new.
Do you know that he's eaten
the same breakfast
every morning
for the last 30 years?
Oatmeal,
without even any fruit on it,
the same bland, boring thing.
- I'm a traditionalist.
- Well, I am sick of it.
And until you are willing
to embrace
the new possibilities
that life is offering you, I...
I can't be with you.
- I'm prescribing
a method of therapy
which I have found
extremely successful.
It's called
"Brush with Death. "
It means time apart,
during which you don't
see each other
or talk to each other.
And no phone calls.
- I'm in.
- I should have said something.
It was annulled, which is almost
like it never happened.
I was drunk in Vegas.
I didn't even know the girl.
It doesn't count
as a real marriage.
- I can't believe you kept this
a secret from me.
- I didn't want
to disappoint you.
- How could you do something
so stupid?
- I was 22.
- That's old enough
to know better.
- Technically that's only
2 times 11.
- In what, guy years?
I don't...
I don't care what you did at 22.
I care that you lied to me now.
- I didn't lie to you.
- By omission.
It's the same thing.
How am I supposed to trust you?
- [Sighs]
- A brush with what?
- Death.
A Brush with Death.
It's ridiculous.
Is that a way
to save a marriage?
- His methods
are a little unorthodox,
but he usually gets
great results.
- Excuse me.
I'm gonna go have
a brush with death.
- You have to help me
with this.
- What can I do?
- I just figured,
with your prior experience,
you would know
all about marriage.
- Jesus, Ava.
You can't punish me
for something I did
years before we even met.
- It hurts knowing
I'm not the only girl
you ever wanted to marry.
It spoils the fairy tale.
- If it makes you feel
any better,
you're the only one
I married sober.
I'm sorry.
You're the one, Ava.
I love you.
What can I do
to make you feel better?
- Help me with my parents.
- Divorce is difficult, Ava,
but my parents are happier
now that they're not together.
- Do you think if my parents
get divorced,
my Dad's gonna want to go home
to an empty house?
- You're just playing dirty now.
- I just need you on my team.
- Okay.
I'm in.
- Ugh.
Worthless trash.
- What did it say?
- "Avoid all team sports. "
- Dr. George was quite specific
when he said "Brush with Death. "
It meant no contact.
- Yeah, but I figured
you and Dad
would probably respond better
to a more traditional method.
- Bradley.
You want to squeeze in a workout
after this?
- Oh, I already got my
squat thrusts in this morning.
- Please, you haven't
thrust anything in years.
- Welcome, everybody,
to Miraculous Marriages.
Freak out the fear!
Now, if I could get everybody
to gather round.
Gather round.
Get over here!
Okay, people, eyes here.
First, let's start
with our affirmation of the day.
Marriage to the max.
Marriage the max.
[Together]
Marriage to the max.
Marriage to the max.
Marriage to the max.
- Everybody.
Marriage to the max.
[Together]
Marriage to the max.
Marriage to the max.
- Wonderful.
Now for our first exercise,
we're going to start
a word association game.
I'm going to say a word,
and everybody is going to say
the first word
that pops
into their little head.
Now, remember,
say everything you feel.
There is no judgment here.
Let's start with you!
Newlywed!
- Commitment.
- Love.
- Wedding!
- Expensive.
- Cheap.
- Love!
- Cooking.
- Grateful.
- Oh, baby.
- Home!
- Sharing.
- Ooh, clothes.
- Husband!
- Hurt.
- Happy.
- Marriage!
- Can I just say
I love this exercise?
I actually use it
in my own practice.
- Stop right there!
One word.
- Disillusionment.
- Disillusionment?
Already?
- Not us.
Them.
- This exercise is about us,
what marriage means to you.
- Enough!
One word.
- Bliss.
"Bliss" is my word.
- Imperfections.
- Imperfections?
Are you talking
about your first wife or me?
- I was talking about me.
- Whatever.
Your word blows.
- This a no-judgment circle,
Ava.
- Next!
[Whistle blowing]
- Oh!
Thanks for catching me.
- I should have let you fall.
- I guess I would have
deserved that, huh?
- Old habits die hard,
I suppose.
- This is all about building
trust with your partner.
- Oh!
Ava.
- Move faster, sir.
Girl in the green sweater,
please don't hold
your wife's hand.
- Go, team us!
Go, team us!
All right, baby.
- Love you.
- I love you.
- Maybe I should go first.
- Would you give me some more
rope, you cheap bastard?
It's not even
your damn rope anyway.
- We have to use the line
sparingly.
I'm not sure how much is left.
- Trust your partner.
Embrace the mountain.
- Good job, babe.
- Work together as a team.
Come on, Betty!
Freak out the fear.
Freak out the fear!
- Fear is freaking me out.
- Mom, come on.
You can do it.
- Come on, Betty.
- Bradley, this is too high.
I can't go any further.
- Come on, Betty.
Don't be such a baby.
- Fine.
That's real supportive.
- Betty, your ass
is on my shoulder.
How much more supportive
do you want me to be?
- Then move.
I don't need you.
- Fine!
- [Screaming]
- Mom, I'm coming!
- Ah!
- [Gasps]
- [Grunts]
[Whistle blows]
- Oops.
Well, the good news is,
you only have to wear the brace
overnight.
- Yeah, and the bad news is,
my wife tried to kill me.
- Charlie, come on.
It was an accident.
I got distracted.
- By your parents.
- What am I supposed to do,
just stand back and let them
throw their marriage away?
- They're the ones
getting divorced.
Why are we the ones
suffering for it?
[Cheerful ukulele music]
- Oh, Moses,
another one of Mom's
indecipherable texts.
- Don't tell her we're going
to the florist, please.
- "Getting coffee
on Magazine Street. "
So since Dad
is staying with you,
Shabbat at your place?
- What?
- Shabbat dinner.
It's like Thanksgiving
for Jews.
The whole family gets together
to eat and argue,
but they do it every week.
So is it at your house?
- No, it's not at our house.
- You're a bad Jew.
- Shelby, I'm not Jewish,
and neither are you.
- You better hope God
didn't hear you say that.
- Crap.
Mom found us.
- Hi, babies!
I have exciting news.
- You and Dad
are back together?
- No,
I'm going to Thailand...
and India, China, Japan,
maybe even Tahiti.
- Oh, let's grab this table.
- But Dad hates to fly.
- Oh, I'm not going
with your father.
- And how long will you be gone?
- About six months.
- So I'll have the apartment
all to myself again?
- How could you do this
to Dad?
- It's always been my dream
to travel.
Well, you got to go to France
your junior year of college,
and Shelby had those two months
when she went missing in Mexico.
- Ay de mi.
Tiempos mas buenos.
- Your father's been afraid
to travel,
and this is my chance
to see the world.
- This isn't like you, Mom.
- No?
No, it's not like me at all.
I always do
what everybody else wants.
One day, you'll understand.
- No, I won't, because I would
never give up on my marriage.
- Like Miss Perfect would ever
have marital problems.
- Actually, I just found out
that Mr. Perfect
has been keeping a big secret
from me.
- Is he cheating on you
with his hot assistant?
- Shelby.
- Charlie's not cheating on me.
- How do you know?
Do you monitor his calls,
check his texts?
- No, 'cause I'm not
a psycho.
- Such an amateur.
- Charlie would never cheat.
- That's what I thought
about Dad.
- Men aren't perfect, honey.
They're just men.
- All of them?
- Yes, dear,
all of them.
- Damn.
- Mwah.
Mwah.
Bye, babies.
- Roses or orchids
for the centerpieces?
What do you think?
- I think we should
sincerely contemplate
changing the theme
of this party, Ava.
- Shelby, come on.
I need help.
- Yeah, you do.
Mom's leaving in ten days,
and the party's in two weeks.
What are you gonna tell
people to say?
"Surprise, Bradley.
"We know
you're getting divorced,
"but we wanted to celebrate
the milestone
that you didn't reach anyway"?
- They'll work it out!
- You should seriously
consider therapy.
- I've tried group therapy.
I've even tried that whack job
of a therapist
who told them
not to communicate.
- The Brush with Death.
I heard it's very successful
in the long run.
- But I don't have the long run.
I've got about a week
to fix this.
- You have to fix it, Ava?
- Who else?
- How about your parents?
- Well, they haven't exactly
been very effective
left to their own devices.
- And how has their separation
impacted your relationship
with Charlie?
- Who?
- Your husband.
- Oh, no.
Charlie.
He's fine.
He's great.
Well, actually, I just found out
he deliberately hid from me
the fact that he'd
been married before.
- So discovering
in quick succession
that both your father and your
husband were keeping secrets
doesn't have any great
significance for you?
- Okay.
I know where you're going
with this,
but can we just stick
to the issue at hand?
- Then your husband's previous
marriage is not an issue?
- Not presently.
No.
Can we get back to my parents?
- Did you consider
the possibility
that divorce could actually be
the best thing for your parents?
- [Laughs]
Seriously, though,
what do I do?
- Let go.
Let them work it out
for themselves.
- [Sighs]
By the way, do you lock
your filing cabinets?
[Rumbling]
You hooked up the dryer.
- Bradley did it.
- Oh.
- Not that I don't appreciate
all the help,
but sharing a house
with your dad
isn't exactly how I envisioned
married life.
- This has been hard on me too,
Charlie.
- Well, I miss my wife.
[Rumbling]
- Oh.
Hi.
This a bad time?
- Hi, Dad.
- Bradley.
- Thanks for hooking up
the dryer.
- Oh, it feels good to be handy,
you know.
I know Chuck's busy.
- I would have gotten to it
eventually.
- Yeah, right after you finish
putting up the shelves
in our bedroom?
- [Laughs]
- Excuse me.
I'm gonna take a shower.
- Did you talk to your mom?
I mean, did you tell her
how sorry I am
about the ass thing?
- Um, I didn't get a chance,
actually.
She seems to have made
some travel plans.
- Yeah, but your mother
hates to travel.
- Actually, it's always been
a dream of hers.
- She never mentioned anything.
- Did you ask?
Did you ever ask what she wanted
or if she was happy?
- She never complained.
I just assumed
that everything was fine.
- I don't think this is just
about the affair, Dad.
Do you?
- So where's she going?
- Thailand.
- When?
- In ten days.
- Oh, no.
She's gonna miss
our anniversary.
How long is she going for?
- Um, she didn't say exactly,
but she plans on making
a couple of other stops
along the way.
- How long, Ava?
- Six months.
- Six months.
It's over.
She's really left me
for good.
- Dad, you'll get her back.
You just have to show her
how much you love her
and remind her
how special she is to you.
Can you please try
and cheer my dad up?
Maybe take him out
for a drink or something?
I need to stop my mom
from leaving.
We'll get the two of them
together.
We can talk it through.
- That's a bad idea.
Group therapy sure didn't work.
- [Groans]
I'm running out of options,
Charlie.
Please help me.
You owe me for making me
wife number two.
- Fine.
I'll help you out one last time,
but you got to agree
to never mention that stupid
Vegas wedding again.
- Deal.
[Lively mandolin music]
- Here we go, gentlemen.
- Hey.
Oh, I can't drink this.
- Oh, yeah, you can.
I know the owner.
He's a big-time Jew.
Only serves kosher.
- Oh, thanks, Gerber.
I didn't know
there were Irish Jews.
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah?
- So this is great.
A night out with the boys.
- Yeah.
I got to tell you,
you got to leave the old ball
and chain at home sometimes.
Although I can't complain.
I love being married.
I have never had this much sex
in my life.
No, forget trolling bars
to get laid.
Get married.
Hello.
- You don't have sex
all the time.
- Oh, yeah.
Whenever I want.
Every which way.
- I miss my wife.
- Aw.
- Look, Bradley, I'm sure
you guys will work it out,
and if you don't...
- Yeah, be a man.
Bradley, there are plenty
of other chicks in the sea.
Eastern Europe is teeming
with beautiful young women
just dying to marry
a rich American.
- Let's not get ahead
of ourselves here, Gerber.
- 60 is the new 30.
I saw you over
at the karaoke machine,
ripping it up,
going to work.
[Tarzan yell]
Dude, Slavic hotties will be
all over your Johnson.
Yeah, they will be lining up
for a man with your experience.
- You think?
- Absolutely.
- Bet you find
a nice Jewish girl.
Uh-oh.
- Wouldn't Betty just love that?
- Oh, I know the perfect place
to celebrate your
newly anointed single status.
- Where?
- Got any dollar bills on you?
- Ah!
Let's have shots for everybody.
- We are gonna put
some boobs on your face.
Okay?
- Okay, just this one time.
Yes.
- Booby in your eye.
- I know the separation's
hard on you, Ava,
so I really appreciate
your show of support.
I should be netting the web
in no time at all.
- I just figured if you're gonna
be gone for six months,
you need to be
internet and email savvy.
Now we can keep in touch.
- Well, I must admit,
I am a little nervous.
- You are?
- Well, it's been a long time
since I did anything
this exciting or brave.
I can't remember
the last time I did anything
without your father.
- Or you could do this with him.
- Dad travel?
He has a hard time
going to the mailbox.
- [Laughs]
I just know he's devastated
without you.
[Bluesy rock music playing]
- [Slurping]
- Chase it!
- Yeah!
- Oh!
Who's next?
- Oh, my God!
- Here's Bradley!
- Aren't you just a little sad
that your marriage is over?
- Well, of course I am, Ava,
but your father's incapable
of change or even compromise.
And I refuse to be unfulfilled
any longer.
- Why didn't you say anything
before?
- I suppose I was
too busy worrying
about everyone else's needs
to think about my own.
[Indistinct chatter]
Doesn't that sound like...
[loud thud]
What?
- I'm all right.
I'm okay.
No problem.
Oh, you know, Charlie,
you're my bestest,
favoritest son-in-law ever.
- Really?
'Cause you're, like,
my very favorite
most father-in-law ever.
- Oh, come on,
give me a hug.
- Bradley Gold.
- Did you hear that?
That sounded like my wife,
except I don't have one anymore.
[Laughter]
- Exactly what did you have
to drink tonight?
- I don't know, but I'm sure
wasn't Manischewitz.
[Laughter]
- You should be ashamed
of yourself.
- What?
- What the hell
is wrong with you?
- How was I supposed to know
your mom would be here?
- I told you I was gonna try
to get the two of them together.
This is your idea of helping?
- You told me to cheer him up.
Trust me,
tonight he was so happy.
- Please tell me you did not
take my father Hot Chicks Live.
- We didn't go
to Hot Chicks Live.
Gerber's way too cheap
for Hot Chicks Live.
- Gerber was with you?
I hope you took a cab.
- I guess chauffer duties were
in their marriage arrangements,
'cause Gerber's wife
drove us home.
And she's great,
and they're having sex...
great Polish sex,
whatever that means...
whenever he wants.
- Show up at your daughter's
house this time of night,
drunk as a skunk.
I mean, what do you have
to say for yourself?
- [Burps]
- [Snickers]
- Thank you, Bradley,
for validating a very difficult
life-altering decision
I've just made.
I now know
absolutely for certain
that leaving you is the smartest
thing I've ever done.
- Mom, you don't mean that.
- Yeah.
- Do you know that I dis...
I discovered tonight
at this strip club?
- No, please enlighten me.
- I thought you said you didn't
take him to a strip club.
- No, I said I didn't take him
to Hot Chicks Live.
- I learned that there are women
in this world who want me.
- Oh, they don't want you,
you idiot.
They want your dollar bills.
- You know,
there's a nation in Europe
that has a lot
of pretty Russian Jews
who want to have sex with me.
- And time for bed.
- Too bad that you don't have
the balls
to fly out there and meet them.
- Well, then I'll just have
to ship them in.
- [Screams]
- Mazel tov.
- Oh!
I squished my fish.
Oh, no.
- Dude, did you say you were
gonna ship your balls?
- Poor Malcolm.
- This is what I'll be missing?
- Mom, please.
- Hey, Bradley, when I'm
cavorting naked on a Fiji beach
with my Polynesian Adonis,
I shall try to remember
to send you a postcard.
[Door slams]
- Oh...
I think that went well.
- I...
- "I" what?
- I love you.
- Do you realize
that what you did tonight
brought my parents
closer than ever to divorce?
- What I did?
I was just trying
to cheer him up.
I was helping you.
But if you hadn't tried
to interfere tonight,
none of this would have happened
in the first place.
- Charlie, my parents
are getting divorced.
I have real problems.
- You know, maybe we should stop
focusing on your parents...
Nice shelves.
And start focusing on us.
- Uh, what's that supposed
to mean?
- Well, for one thing,
it's been a little difficult
to have sex
with your dad staying here.
- Oh, I'm surprised you noticed.
You've been so busy
texting with Adrianna.
Work must be crazy.
- You're the one
who's too distracted
with everyone else's problems
to even have sex
with your own husband.
- [Sighs]
It's not been that long
since we've had sex,
and I've been busy.
- Well, you're not
doing anything right now.
- Ugh, Charlie,
if you think I'm gonna
sleep with you right now,
you're even more drunk
than I thought.
Oh!
Is it really too much to ask
to replace
the toilet paper roll?
Is it really that difficult?
What is it?
A genetic predisposition
to measure your shits
against the amount
of toilet paper left?
Oh!
And just so you know,
I did not fall in love with you
again today.
[Tranquil instrumental music]
- Morning, beautiful.
I made your favorite.
Black coffee,
two sugars.
Wheat toast with mayo.
Truce?
- Truce.
I have to cancel
the surprise party.
- You can't save
every marriage, Ava.
- I feel like such a failure.
- Promise me
you're done intervening.
- I have no other choice.
- Promise?
Meet me tonight for dinner?
- Mm-hmm.
I can tell that some
positive changes
have taken place
since our last session.
What's going on?
- When we left here, I began
to make that list you suggested.
I dug really deep,
and I realized the main reason
I was attracted to Courtney
was because her family was rich.
- Perhaps you were looking
to Courtney
to provide emotional security.
- Well, mostly I just liked
the fact she drove a Porsche.
- And I realized
what I liked about Lloyd
was that he wasn't rich.
I knew that if I married him,
it would really piss off
my father.
- Excuse me?
- Once we were finally honest
with each other,
it was like this huge relief.
So we've decided
to get a divorce.
- And we just wanted to come
here in person to thank you.
- To thank me for what?
- If it wasn't for you,
we could be stuck
in a lousy marriage for years
without knowing any better.
- Please, don't mention it.
- Oh, I just got four winks
on Match. Com.
- I already got a date.
- I need the guest list
for the party.
I have to cancel it before
I meet Charlie for dinner.
- You've seen the light.
I am taking Mom speed dating
tonight,
show her what the single life
is really like.
- Genius.
- I have my moments.
- Hey.
- Hi, John.
- Do you guys
have an appointment?
- No, things didn't really
work out with Amy and me.
- Oh.
So you're here to talk about it?
- No, actually,
I was wondering
if Shelby was available
for dinner this evening.
- Mm. No.
I saw your test scores.
- Cares more about your marriage
than you do.
That's why you got to talk
to your woman
and find out
what's the trouble.
- Amen, brother.
Amen.
[Door clicks open]
- Rough day?
- Rough week.
- Why'd you have an affair, Dad?
- You know,
that was a long time ago.
I never would have done it
if I thought your mother and I
were gonna be reconciled.
But...
I'm miserable, Ava.
I can't sleep.
I can't eat.
I just want her back.
- Don't worry, Dad.
We'll get her back.
You and me together,
we'll do whatever it takes.
Why don't you go
get an early night?
- I just haven't been able
to sleep since she left.
My mind keeps me awake,
keeps racing.
- Charlie has sleeping pills.
- You think that's safe?
- Of course.
I'll go grab them.
- Well, how many do I take?
- Two, and you'll sleep
like a baby.
No!
I said two, Dad.
- From what I remember
about babies,
they wake up a lot.
Good night, pumpkin.
[Mischievous music]
[indistinct chatter]
- I'm not sure about this
speed dating thing, Shelby.
- Oh, you'll love it.
You can squeeze in 50 bad dates
and only sacrifice one night.
- Oh!
[Laughs]
Well, welcome, all.
Now, you'll have five minutes
to speak with your date.
When I hit that buzzer,
the man must move on
to the next woman.
Under 35s to my right.
Over 35s to my left.
Ladies, please,
take your seats.
[Laughs]
- Come on, Mom.
Let's go.
[Line rings]
[Phone ringing]
[toilet flushes]
[Phone chimes]
- [snoring]
- [sighs]
[Touch-tones beeping]
[Line rings]
- 911.
Is this an emergency?
- Hi, I think my dad
overdosed on sleeping pills,
and I need an ambulance
right away.
- A marriage is forever.
Fidelity is essential.
A shame my ex-wife
didn't agree.
Yeah, she left me.
- Oh.
- At least she thinks she did.
[Laughing]
[Buzzer buzzes]
- Men, y'all better move.
- I think you're in
the wrong section.
The under 35s are over there.
- A cougar's calling.
Rawr!
[Buzzer buzzes]
- Child, didn't you hear
that buzzer?
Time to switch.
Get over here.
- I really like squirrels.
You like squirrels?
- I think I heard the buzzer.
- I'm so nervous.
I hate these things.
- Hmm.
- Ava!
Ava!
Are you okay?
- Yeah.
- Bradley.
What happened?
- How many sleeping pills
did he take?
- Uh, I don't know,
but the bottle was empty
when I found it.
- My bottle of sleeping pills?
That was practically full.
- One of you can ride with us.
- I'll follow in my car, okay?
- Okay.
[Phone ringing]
- So do you want to go home
and slit our wrists now
or get drunk first?
- Hi, Ava.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, we're coming.
We're coming.
- I never should have left
my pills out.
I just didn't see this coming.
Did you?
- Me?
No.
- Where is he?
Where is he?
Is he all right?
- It's okay.
Doctors are in with him
right now.
- It's all my fault.
I'm a horrible wife.
- I can't believe he actually
tried to kill himself.
- Shelby.
Not now.
- He's recovering nicely.
- Oh, thank God for that.
Can I see him?
- Of course. Go in.
Nurse, show her in, please.
I have to tell you, though,
we did find
some very small traces
of the drug in his system.
In my opinion, this was not
a suicide attempt.
- Oh, that's a huge relief,
Doctor.
Thank you so much for your help.
Thank you.
- You're welcome.
We'll keep him here overnight
just to make sure,
but he should be fine to leave
in the morning.
- Okay.
- All right.
- It's just so strange.
You said the bottle
was empty, right?
- Yeah, I think.
- Either it was empty
or not.
- Mm.
It's not that simple.
- What's not that simple?
It was empty, or why else
would you call 911?
- As a precaution.
- Ava, what are you
talking about?
- I've always wanted to try
the food here.
I hear their Jell-O
is fabulous.
- I may have
slightly exaggerated
the number of pills
that he took.
- Exaggerated?
- I'm gonna go find
the cafeteria
and that hot doctor.
- Oh, you're not
gonna like this.
Um...
I knew my dad didn't take
the whole bottle,
but he was having
a lot of trouble sleeping,
so he took three
to help him fall asleep.
- And the rest of them?
- I flushed them
down the toilet.
- You did what?
- I know.
I'm not proud.
- Jesus, Ava.
What the hell is wrong with you?
- I was desperate, okay?
My dad has been just devastated
since the separation,
and I needed to do something
to bring them together.
- You promised me
you were done interfering.
What you did was illegal.
If anyone found out,
you could lose your license.
You could even go to prison.
- Charlie, you're making it
sound way worse than it is.
- No, Ava,
I'm telling you how it is.
- Their 30th anniversary
is coming up...
- I can't believe this.
- Why are you walking away
from me?
- How dare you think you can
just manipulate people
to get your way?
- I'm sorry, but I did it
for my parents.
- No, you didn't do it
for them.
You did it for yourself.
- I was only trying
to help.
Charlie, where are you going?
- I can't believe
this is who you are!
[Somber piano music]
- I'm dead, aren't I?
- No.
Very much alive.
- Are you sure?
Because for me,
heaven is where you are, Betty.
I love you so much.
And I'll do
whatever you want me to do.
I'll get on a plane
to Thailand.
I'll pick up a tapeworm
in India.
I'll even come clean
with the girls about Ian.
But I want you to be happy,
Betty,
and I want to be part
of that happiness.
- When I got that phone call
tonight,
I realized that you're not
a part of that happiness.
- Oh.
- You are
that happiness to me.
Mm.
- Mm.
- [Laughs]
- [Snorts]
[Laughter]
- Mom's gonna spend
the night.
You need a ride?
If it's any consolation,
I thought it was
an inspired idea.
- Thanks.
I'll remember that when I get
the divorce papers.
- No, I'm serious.
That took major balls.
I have a newfound respect
for you.
- Somehow that makes me
feel worse.
- Excuse me.
What room is Bradley Gold in?
- Just a second.
- Isn't that
the deli delivery guy?
- Yeah, his wife, Betty,
called me.
I'm his son.
- It's room 412.
- 412.
Thank you.
- How old are you?
- 25.
- Me too.
When's your birthday?
- May.
- I'm June.
- Busy month.
- Is there a July?
- How long have you known?
- Lan came to me
right after your wedding.
- How come you didn't
say anything before?
- Oh, I was shocked.
- In our dad's defense,
he didn't know about me.
My mom kept his identity secret.
I mean, I only found out,
well, after she died
a few months ago.
- That sucks.
- Yeah, yeah,
it really does.
- Sorry.
So when were you planning
on telling us?
- He was working up to it.
- I realize that I have
some apologizing to do,
and, Ian, I know that I
missed out on, well, everything.
But I'd like to make it up
to you if you'd let me.
- And all this time,
I thought I was an only child.
- You might still wish you were.
[Melancholy country music]
- # Laid our blessings
on the ground #
# The softening sound #
# Draws us closed again #
# Stay,
stay and watch the coals #
# Till they cease to glow #
# Like empty promises #
# Why #
# Why did you go #
# Why did you go away #
# Why #
- Oh, thank you.
[Laughing]
- # Why did you go #
# Why did you go away #
# Babe #
[knocking]
- Hi.
It's your wife.
Remember me?
- I'm not sure who you are.
- [Sighs]
I know you're angry,
but you didn't tell me about
your whole Vegas wedding,
and I still forgave you.
So maybe this is my
total screw-up moment
you just have to forgive me for.
You planning on coming home
anytime soon?
- I can't answer that
right now.
- You can't just ignore
our marriage, Charlie.
- The way you have?
- I'm a therapist.
Helping people is what I do.
But this was personal.
My parents were separating.
- Yeah.
- [Sighs]
The anniversary party's on
for tomorrow afternoon.
Will you be my date?
- I'm not really in the mood
to celebrate.
- Is there something else
going on?
I mean, you and Adrianna
seem awfully close.
- If that's the person
who you think you married,
then what are you
even doing here?
- Aren't we worth fighting for?
- What are you fighting for?
Your marriage or me?
- It's the same thing.
- No.
No, it's not.
You want a husband so when your
patients ask if you're married,
you can tell them yes.
And that way, it'll validate
all the advice you give them.
I feel like the worst thing
we did to our relationship
was get married.
- Sorry to interrupt you guys.
Charlie,
it's your conference call
to discuss the new chardonnay.
They're on line two.
- Thanks.
I have to get this.
- Got any tequila over there?
- What, you want a shot?
- Just hand me the whole bottle.
- You know why I think Charlie
gave you the wine
for a wedding gift?
- Is this really relevant, Dad?
- Could be.
He told me once that
when the grapes are growing,
the winemakers
purposely stress them out
by depriving them of water
and giving them
an overabundance of sunshine.
Now, this weeds out
the weak ones,
and only the strongest
and best survive,
and those are the grapes
that make the finest wine.
Now, the greatest love
survives the harshest
of conditions.
And surviving that turmoil
is what makes a marriage strong.
- Thanks, Dad.
But I still want the tequila.
- [Laughs]
- Dude, better get dressed.
Come on.
Don't want to be late
and ruin the surprise.
- I'm not going.
[Door clicks shut]
- [Speaking Polish]
- [Speaking Polish]
I left the toilet seat up.
It's a work in progress.
- Tell me about it.
- You know, buddy,
you're always welcome here,
but how long
are you planning to stay?
It's just Kasha's parents
are coming to visit
and her two brothers
and three cousins.
- Are you all right
with that?
- Absolutely.
When you get married, you don't
set limits on what love means.
Okay, but that shit is weird,
dude, with the bread
and the mayo.
I bet you're the only person
on Earth
that eats toast that way.
- Dad, are you sure
you can drink that?
I don't think it's kosher.
- Well, I'm taking
a more relaxed approach
to things these days.
Besides,
we're celebrating.
Your mother and I just booked
a trip to Thailand.
- Wow.
- Exotic trips,
exotic cuisine...
how will you survive?
[Cork pops]
- Tums.
- Lan's gonna housesit
for us.
- What?
How come he gets to?
- Because he's older,
sweetheart.
- By a month.
- Sibling rivalry.
Started already.
- Don't worry about it, Shel.
I'll invite you
to all the wild parties.
And you won't even
be responsible for the cleanup.
- Brother, where have you been
all my life?
Come with me.
I'll show you where Dad
hides the good booze.
- Is Charlie meeting us
at the winery?
- It was nice of him to
invite us to the wine tasting.
- It's not you guys
he's upset with.
- Well, best get going.
- Betty.
- Yes?
Oh, thank you, darling.
I'm just gonna run upstairs
and update my Facebook status.
- I hate to see you go,
but I love to watch you leave.
[Brassy jazz music]
- Bradley, did you take
your antacid?
- No.
- You know how white wine
affects your stomach.
You won't be able to sleep.
- With any luck...
[together]
Surprise!
[Laughter]
- Are you two
responsible for this?
- You two should be grounded
for lying to us.
- Are we really grounded?
- She's not my mom.
- Well, I don't believe it.
- Well, I just want to thank
you all for being here today.
30 years is no mean feat,
and I'd be lying to you
if I told you that we hadn't had
a few bumps along the road.
- Or mountains.
- But I just want to tell you
how lucky I feel
to have this woman
by my side
and how I love her even more
for sticking with me
during those trying times
when even I might have left me.
So I just want
to propose a toast
to the love of my life,
to Betty.
- Betty.
- Betty.
- Betty.
- L'chaim.
[Applause]
[Melancholy flute music]
- This will help.
Charlie running late?
- I don't think
he's gonna make it.
- Will you two?
- I don't know.
I don't know what happened.
- Yeah, I mean,
you ignored him
by prioritizing your parents,
sex-starved him,
and then you went
psycho criminal on his ass.
I can see
where it gets confusing.
- [Sighs]
I did try apologizing.
- Trying to get him to come
to your parents'
anniversary party
so you don't lose face
in front of the family
is a lot like apologizing.
- When did you get so smart?
- Is Ava Dalton admitting
that she doesn't know
everything?
- Yes, yes.
Okay, I admit it.
I'm not perfect,
and I don't know everything.
- Well, I've known that
for about 25 years.
I think there might be
someone else
you need to mention it to.
- Oh, say good night
to Mom and Dad for me.
- I should open
my own practice.
- There you are, darling.
I've been looking for you.
This is Jeremiah,
Rabbi Stevens' son.
And this is my daughter Shelby.
- Hi, Jeremiah,
Rabbi Stevens' son.
- Nice to meet you.
- Have a seat.
- Thank you.
- I think you may find you have
quite a few things in common.
- So you're Jewish.
Wait a minute.
My dad told me about you.
Aren't you
the wandering degenerate?
- And aren't you
the sponging sister?
- It's "slutty sponging sister,"
if you don't mind.
- No, actually,
I don't mind at all.
- [Laughing]
[Spirited piano music]
- I'm so sorry, Charlie.
- Before you start apologizing,
I have some things to say.
Okay?
About eight weeks ago,
you promised to love me
in sickness, in health,
and all that other stuff.
Remember?
Well, I have some amendments
to those vows.
Do you promise to fall in love
with me every day,
even when we fight?
- Yes.
- Will you swear
to have sex with me
at least twice a week,
sometimes twice a day
when the mood strikes?
- Oh, yes.
- And finally,
do you accept the fact
that I'll probably never, ever
in the next 50 years
remember to put a new
toilet roll on the dispenser?
- [Laughing]
I do.
- Let's go back.
Let's show these people
that we know how to make
a marriage work.
- No.
- No?
- A marriage isn't official
until it's been consummated.
- I knew there was a reason
why I married you.
[baby cooing]
Who's the most beautiful baby
in the whole wide world?
- Look at Mommy.
[Brassy jazz music]
- # How lucky can one guy be #
# I kissed her
and she kissed me #
# Like the fella once said #
# "Ain't that a kick
in the head" #
- Oh, and just so you know...
Ah!
- I'm a big boy.
Didn't use to be.
- Focus.
And action.
[Laughter]
- # My life
is gonna be beautiful #
# I've sunshine enough
to spread #
# It's just like
the fella said #
- Are you wearing a yarmulke?
- Yeah, you like it?
I had to dig around
in the basement to find it.
I haven't worn one
since I was a kid.
- Nice.
Very... Jewish.
- Well, that's the look
I was going for.
- Physical contact
make you uncomfortable?
- No, I just don't hug
strangers,
most particularly,
men I don't know.
- He's more comfortable
sleeping with women
he's just met.
- It's "slutty sponging sister,"
if you don't mind.
- No, actually,
I don't mind at all.
- [Laughs]
Sorry.
- All right, cut.
- Did we get it?
- What the hell?
Oop.
- # If this is just
the beginning #
# My life
is gonna be beautiful #
# She's telling me
we'll be wed #
# She's picked out
a king-size bed #
# I couldn't feel any better #
# Or I'd be sick #
# Tell me quick #
# Oh, ain't love a kick #
# Tell me quick #
# Ain't love a kick #
# In the head #
[music stops]
[Gentle violin picking]
[lively orchestral music]
- Ava, we've been dating
for 21/2 years,
and what I'm about to say,
I've considered very seriously.
I sound like a lawyer.
I look in your eyes,
and I drown in them.
Drown in them?
Babe, you know I'm bad
with telling you how I feel.
Will you be my wife?
Will you marry me?
Can we get married?
Ava.
You can do this.
[Sighs]
It's, like, the little things
that I really love.
I find it so adorable
that you can't make
a decision
without consulting
your horoscope.
I love that you watch the same
sad movie over and over again,
hoping for a happy ending.
I love how you make
your coffee.
I love you, Ava, and I don't
want to spend another day
without knowing
if you'll be my wife.
So will you do me this honor?
Will you marry me?
- Brittany, Brittany,
this is Ryan.
Trust me,
you two have a lot in common.
Good to see you.
Where is Ava?
Go find your sister.
- All rise.
- Our wedding day was
the happiest day of my life.
I was marrying
the man of my dreams,
and our happily ever after
was about to begin.
Charlie and I met
once upon a time,
when I was getting my PhD
in psychology at Berkeley
and he was working
at a vineyard in Napa.
We fell in love
on the very first date.
He took me to an art fair
in San Francisco.
The next day, he surprised me
with a painting I had admired,
and I was hooked.
I believe lasting love
is possible
because of my parents.
Their 30-year union
is the reason I became
a marriage counselor
and why I was ready to make
the commitment myself.
[Glass shatters]
- Mazel tov!
[Applause]
And that dimpled smile
doesn't hurt.
- So embarrassing.
Thank you.
[Old-timey jazz music playing]
[Children laughing]
I love you both.
I love you both.
I've known him my whole life,
and I still love you.
I can't even say that
about anyone else,
like, not even my own parents.
- Okay, we love you too,
Gerber.
- No, love, man.
Love.
That's what it's all about.
You know, from now on,
I'm gonna be
a one-woman guy.
- Per week?
- I'm serious.
Uh, hello?
We didn't actually...
- There he goes.
- Shelby, are you, like,
avoiding me?
Come on, we were in the middle
of talking about horses.
I love horses.
- You ready to get out of here,
Mrs. Dalton?
- I should warn you:
I've been saving a few tricks
for the honeymoon.
- Let's go.
- Okay.
[Excited chatter]
Ready?
- Yeah!
Oh!
Oh, you got smoked.
In your face.
You got rocked.
[Serene instrumental music]
[children laughing]
- Black.
Two sugars.
- Two orders,
wheat toast with mayo.
Yum.
- The only way to eat toast.
- Your horoscope says,
"Today your positive
mental energy
"will ensure that everything
goes your way.
Take advantage
of your good luck. "
- That's great.
Maybe that means
this year's harvest
will be the vineyard's
best vintage ever.
- Fingers crossed.
- How about
you skip out early,
take advantage of me tonight?
- Oh, I could cancel
my last couple.
- I'll reschedule
my afternoon.
- See you at 6:00.
Let's take a minute
to validate those feelings.
It sounds like Lloyd
is feeling angry
because Courtney took advantage
of his credit card.
- She didn't take advantage
of it.
She raped it.
At Saks.
She roofied it,
bent it over, and...
- Okay.
Courtney raped your credit card.
And Courtney is still angry
because you slept
with another woman.
- "A slutty, trashy whore"
were my exact words.
- Obviously Courtney still
has some unresolved issues
about the affair.
- But 9 grand on shoes?
- Why should I suffer
just because you're not rich
like my father?
- If your father's so great,
why didn't you marry him?
- He wasn't available.
- I want you to think back
to when you first met.
What attracted you
to one another?
And I want you to make a list
of all of the qualities
that made you want
to get married.
The key to a successful marriage
is to find those qualities
that make you fall in love
with your spouse
all over again
every day.
- Oh, I know they're here
somewhere.
Where are they?
Ugh.
- Shelby, what are you doing?
- Where do you keep
all your stuff?
- What stuff?
- The meds!
- I'm a psychologist,
not a psychiatrist.
I can't prescribe meds.
- Jesus, Ava.
That's the only reason
I took this job.
- I'm not even sure
they've invented a drug
to begin tackling your issues.
- Don't judge my pain.
You're my sister.
Can't you at least
refer me to someone?
- If I referred you
to a psychiatrist,
they'd have you committed.
- Would there be meds involved?
- And a straightjacket.
Did you mail out
those invitations for me?
- For Mom and Dad's
surprise party?
- Yes.
- I got the guest list
right here.
- Thank you.
[Man and woman
arguing indistinctly]
Glad that's not my next client.
[Scoffs]
- Darlings.
- Hi.
- Hi.
What was all the yelling about?
- Just your mother's
normal kvetching.
- Oh, would you stop
talking like that?
This isn't a production
of Fiddler On The Roof.
- Would you just relax
and stop acting like
some kind of meshuggener
in front of our daughters?
- What does that even mean?
Jesus!
- Jewish.
- Okay, can we just take this
into my office, please?
Right into my office.
Thank you.
Come on.
All right.
Bradley, Betty,
why don't you calmly express
what's upsetting you?
- Well, I didn't want to have
to tell you this, Ava...
- No, Betty.
Don't tell her.
It'll break her heart.
- I want a divorce.
- What?
- Both of you...
everyone, take a seat.
Ooh, everybody calm down
and take a breath.
Okay.
Betty, what triggered
this decision?
- Your sack-of-shit father
cheated on me.
- We were separated.
We were separated at the time.
- Yeah, but he still managed
to knock me up.
Did we conceive Shelby
before or after your affair?
- Oh, my God.
Dad, explain.
- You were about three years old
when we were relocated to London
for my job,
and I was working overtime.
It was hardly a recipe
for a happy marriage,
so we decided to separate...
- Which for your father
meant doing it
with the first woman
he could find...
a minor detail he waited
25 years to tell me.
- Okay, I hear you.
I understand.
You feel betrayed,
and I'm not minimizing
what happened 25 years ago,
but is it really worth
throwing away
a long and happy marriage?
- What makes you think
that I've been happy?
- Well, of course we're happy.
- Well, of course you're happy.
I've spent the best part
of my life
catering to your adulterous ass.
Now it's my turn.
I want to feel sexy.
I want to...
I want to have adventures.
- Okay.
Okay, Betty.
We're making some progress.
I want you both
to close your eyes,
take a deep breath,
and let's try and reconnect
with some of those feelings
you had
when you first decided
to get married.
- Ava, this Berkeley bullshit
isn't gonna work on me.
- Mom!
- Look, I'm sorry, darling,
but I'm not gonna take
marital advice
from my 28-year-old
newlywed daughter.
- I'm a professional.
- And you're
a hopeless romantic.
You've been watching
Gone With The Wind
every Thanksgiving
for the last 25 years.
- It's a very long weekend.
- And I would give it up, honey.
Rhett Butler's
never gonna stick around.
- But they were
at cross-purposes.
- You know, the point is that
I am the voice of experience.
I have done 30 years
of hard marriage,
30 years of lies
and deceit,
and in all that time,
you've never once
put the toilet roll
back on the dispenser.
- And after 30 years, you'd
think she'd give it up, huh?
- Bradley, you can have
that bathroom all to yourself,
because I am moving in
with Shelby.
- Ava, you can't let Mom
move in with me.
- Okay, Mom, let's pause
and assess the situation.
We don't have to make
any permanent decisions today.
- Good-bye, Bradley.
Have a nice life.
- I refuse to live with Mom,
Ava.
- Okay, we have much bigger
problems here, Shelby.
- Yeah, like a 30th anniversary
party for a divorced couple.
[Gentle instrumental music]
[door clicks open]
- Hey, babe.
It's 6:00.
Time for our date.
I promise I'll hook up the dryer
this week, okay?
- I don't care.
- What's up?
- Today was probably
the worst day of my life,
and that's not an exaggeration.
- What happened?
- My dad had an affair.
- What?
- Before Shelby was born,
but my mom just found out,
and now she wants a divorce.
- That was 25 years ago.
- They were still married,
Charlie.
Oh...
They were so happy.
- So what are you gonna do?
- Technically I'm not supposed
to treat them
because we're family.
- So don't tell them
you're counseling them.
Do it without them knowing.
- Yeah, I could help them
surreptitiously.
- Where you going?
- To see my mom.
- Now?
What about our 6:00 date?
- The first 24 hours
of a separation
are critical, Charlie.
[Door clicks shut]
[Touch-tones beeping]
[Line rings]
- Hello?
- Hey, Shel. It's me.
- Oh, my God.
You got to get up here.
She's driving me crazy.
[Door buzzes]
Welcome to hell.
- Ava, shouldn't you be home
basking in your
newly wedded bliss?
- Mom, are you sure moving out
is the best solution?
- Well, I certainly can't live
in the same house
as my ex-husband.
Shelby, we need to move
the couch to the window.
- Uh, I like it where it is.
- No, you don't.
- You can't possibly be
considering getting a divorce
after all these years.
- This is between me
and your father.
- Little help, please!
- Okay, I completely encourage
your personal development, Mom,
but you can take time to work on
yourself and still be married.
- Well, it hasn't worked for me
so far.
Maybe it's time
I made myself happy.
- Are you really upset
about an old affair,
or are you just using that
as an excuse to leave?
- Ava, be my daughter,
not my therapist.
- I'm just trying
to understand the situation.
- It's complicated.
Why don't you ask your father
these questions?
- I'm going to,
but I really think you and Dad
would benefit from going to see
a counselor,
and I can recommend
someone great.
- I'm not really sure
I believe in therapy.
- Excuse me?
- Oh, not you, honey.
I thought your therapy today
was wonderful.
- Therapy can be really helpful.
I still go see my therapist
once a month for maintenance.
- [Sighs]
Well, I'll go.
If it'll make you happy.
- I thought it was time
to make yourself happy.
- I'm afraid that's all the time
we have for today.
It's really important for me
to get to know more
about both of you,
so I'm gonna need you
to fill out
these premarital
compatibility tests.
- Tests?
- More like questionnaires.
Don't worry. There are no
right or wrong answers.
Just be honest.
- Do we answer them
individually?
- Yes, and then I'll compare
your answers
to see how compatible you are.
So, Amy, you can stay in here,
and, John, why don't you
follow me out to reception?
- Okay.
See you.
- Thank you.
- Infidelity is one way
to discover if you still
really love your spouse.
Yeah.
You're welcome.
- Please tell me that was not
a prospective client.
- No.
They changed their mind.
And what the hell
is an angry pirate, anyway?
- Shelby.
- Back off.
- Give me my patient folders.
Give me...
- [laughing]
- I'm all right.
- Uh...
- They're confidential.
- Party pooper.
- I am locking
the filing cabinet.
Have you talked to Dad?
I've been trying him
all afternoon.
I can't get ahold of him.
- You think he cashed in
his chips?
- Where do you come up
with this stuff?
- I was an unwanted child, okay?
I have issues.
And besides,
his wife of 30 years
just left him.
- I'm gonna run by the house
and check on him.
Will you collect their tests
when they're done?
- Sure.
I'll meet you there.
Wait.
Ava.
Mom and Dad, they're gonna
work it out, right?
- Of course.
It's only natural for marriages
to go through ups and downs.
- Okay, I just... I can't imagine
them not together.
- Don't worry.
Once they get into therapy,
they'll fall in love
all over again.
Trust me.
[Playful instrumental music]
- You put B for number 20?
- Yeah, she said there were
no right or wrong answers.
- I'd go with C.
- But she said to be honest.
- Do you want to get married
or not?
[soft mischievous music]
- Dad?
Dad, are you here?
Dad?
Dad?
[Screams]
I know Tae Bo!
- It's okay.
I'm not gonna hurt you.
- Don't worry, sweetheart.
It's just the deli delivery boy.
- Matzo ball soup.
I'll just put it
in the kitchen.
- You scared me.
- My apologies.
- Why are you in the dark?
- It's the Sabbath.
- So this isn't
a sign of depression?
- Well, I'll just head out,
then.
- Yeah.
Yeah, thank you,
deli delivery boy
from the local deli.
- I was so worried.
I called you all afternoon.
- I'm sorry, hon.
You know,
in the Orthodox tradition,
we're not allowed
to answer the phone.
- Ugh.
Would you knock it off?
You've never been
this Jewish before.
- I've always been Jewish.
- You've never been religious.
You were always the first dad
on the block
to go out and buy
a Christmas tree.
- Well, I wanted to be
a perfect father to you girls.
I still do.
You don't really need me
anymore.
You got Charlie.
And being Jewish is the only
thing that feels familiar.
- Sometimes change
can be positive.
You and Mom could use this time
to improve your relationship.
- I just want things
the way they were.
- I think you're using
your spirituality
to avoid dealing
with the fact that Mom left.
- Are you analyzing me, Ava?
- No, no.
I'm just suggesting
maybe you do something
to make Mom want to come back.
- Well, I'm her husband.
This is her home.
That should be enough.
- I want a pony!
- What?
- Well, if you're not gonna act
your age, neither am I.
- Glad to know you're alive.
- Hi, Shel.
- Who was the hottie?
- Nobody.
- Just the local
deli delivery guy.
Oh, maybe Dad
could hook you up.
- Ooh, I could go for some
of those matzo balls.
- Shelby.
- Touchy.
What's with all the candles?
- Dad's being Jewish.
- So this is what it's like
to be Jewish.
- Mom agreed to go see
a marriage counselor.
- She did?
- I could set you up
with a fantastic therapist.
- You think that would help?
- I think I want to be Jewish.
- What?
- What?
- You're getting a pony.
I want a bat mitzvah.
[Playful instrumental music]
[door clicks open]
- Oh, don't make
any sudden movements.
- Don't hate me...
- Okay, knock if off,
you two.
[Laughs]
Hi.
I'm just kidding.
- Dad, why don't you go get
settled up in the guest room?
- Oh, yeah, thanks, honey.
It'll be fun to have
some company.
Huh?
[Chuckles]
- Ava?
- I went over to go see my dad,
and he was all alone
in the dark.
He's so depressed.
- Is he moving in?
- Only for a couple days.
- Your father
cannot live here, Ava.
- [Sighs]
It's only temporary.
- Yeah?
Then why did he bring
his goldfish?
- Couldn't get him to leave
without Malcolm.
- Malcolm?
Really?
We're supposed to make
decisions like this together.
- Please.
Please.
- Okay.
But just for a few days.
[Knock at door]
Gerber.
- Hey.
- What are you doing here?
- Oh, buddy.
Where's Ava?
Hey.
- Hi.
- There's someone
I'd like you to meet.
Guys, this is Kasha.
- Nice to meet you.
- My wife.
- What?
- Huh?
- My wife.
I finally pulled the trigger.
- When?
- Today.
Charlie, you were right.
You know the moment
you meet your wife.
- Congratulations.
Ah!
Oh, my gosh.
- I didn't even know
you were dating.
- Buddy.
- You move fast.
- Well, I had to.
Her visa's up in a week.
If I'd let her go back
behind the iron curtain,
I might never have seen
my little Polish princess
ever again.
- There's no iron curtain
anymore, Gerber.
- Yeah, tell that
to immigration.
- So... where did you meet?
- Oh, thank you.
- You are ridiculously cute.
She's still working
on her English.
- How did you meet her?
- Well, last night,
I went to a bar,
and I ordered a shot of vodka...
- Vodka?
- Vodka.
In Charlie's honor.
- My honor?
- For a fallen comrade.
- But you don't even
drink vodka.
- I know.
That's the most amazing part.
It was handed to me
by this Slavic goddess,
and at that moment, I knew.
It was fate.
- Gerber, that is so romantic.
Welcome to our country.
[Laughter]
- Oh, thank you!
- Her English is great.
- Oh...
We got you a wedding present!
Uh-oh.
Look what happened.
- Thanks, Gerber.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
- It was nothing.
Besides, us married folk
should stick together.
- I hate Gerber.
- Doesn't he know
we have to wake up early?
- He promised
this was their last song.
- # We've been together
since way back when #
# Sometimes I never want to see
you again, girl #
Come on.
- # But I want you to go...
know #
- What do you want me to know?
- # After all these years #
- Yeah, sing it, girl.
- # You're still the one #
# I want whisper in my ear #
all:
# You're still the one #
- # I want to talk to in bed #
all:
# You're still the one #
- # That turns my head #
all:
# We're still having fun #
# And you're still the one #
- # I look at your face
every day #
- I can't take this anymore.
- Thank God.
Let's take the party upstairs,
please.
- Ava!
Ava, you got to try this.
I mean, you push a button,
and the music comes out,
and words, like, pop up
on the screen and...
- # Deep in the desert #
# I longed for the snow #
both:
# Still the one #
- # That makes me laugh #
both:
# You're still the one #
- # My better half #
[gentle instrumental music]
- Hey, babe.
Come see me at the winery.
We'll have lunch
at the vineyard cafe.
- Charlie, Ava's here
in the vineyard garden.
- He loves you.
- I wasn't doing that.
It's just a nervous habit.
- Right.
- I'm meeting the caterer here
in an hour to discuss the party.
- You aren't canceling
the party?
- No.
It's in three weeks.
They're gonna be
back together by then.
- I have total faith in you,
babe,
but you may want to consider
the possibility
that they don't
get back together.
- What kind of marriage
counselor would I be
if I took that approach?
Besides, my horoscope today
said that I can achieve
whatever I set my mind to.
- Here it is.
- Thanks, Adrianna.
- Charlie, your interview
with Wine magazine
is confirmed for 3:00.
Hi, Ava.
- Hi.
- I had a great time
at the wedding.
You looked very pretty.
- Thank you.
- So I had this made
for us.
- What?
- It's a belated
wedding present.
- Wow.
Okay.
- Our own vintage.
We'll open it
on our tenth anniversary,
and, like our marriage,
it will only improve with age.
- This was so sweet of you.
- It was, wasn't it?
- Come here.
Thank you.
- [Smooches]
- Charlie.
My dad's staying
in the next room.
[Breathing heavily]
[Tapping]
- Ah, come on.
Come on.
[Tapping]
[Pounding]
Bradley.
- Oh, morning, Charlie.
Yeah.
Oh, I didn't wake you, did I?
- Oh, no.
I was up.
- Dad, what are you doing?
- Putting up a mezuzah.
You didn't have one.
- We're not Jewish.
- It's crooked.
- Yeah, well, it doesn't hurt
to have a little blessing
on your home.
I thought Charlie could use
some help with those pictures.
- Uh, that really
wasn't necessary,
and I prefer to do that type
of thing on my own,
and I'm actually quite obsessed
with my paintings and...
- But it was very thoughtful
of you to want to help.
- [Laughs]
- Oh, and, Dad, don't forget,
you and Mom have a meeting
with the therapist tonight.
I've heard great things
about him.
- Yeah.
- I'm gonna make some coffee.
Bradley, do you want some?
- Is it kosher?
- I have no idea.
- Then I'll pass.
- I can't imagine
why she left.
[Mischievous instrumental music]
- Betty.
Bradley.
Entrez.
There's an exercise
I like to do
with all my patients
before they sit down,
Sort of a ritual.
So start out by taking
short, quick breaths
through the nose,
like this.
[Snorting]
[All snorting]
Now I want you to shake out
your body, like this.
Then hop up and down like this.
This is wonderful
for igniting your chakra energy.
Hop, hop, hop.
- More like
ignite your sphincter.
- [Snorting]
- Shake out.
Shake out.
- Who's that?
- Adrianna.
I swear, if Gerber's not here
in the next five minutes,
we're ordering without him.
What's that?
- It's a Polish phrase book.
I though it might help us get
to know Kasha a little better.
- Yeah?
What's Polish for "green card"?
- Don't be so cynical.
They're in love.
- They don't even speak
the same language.
- Did you know there are
five love languages?
Not all of them are verbal.
- Seriously?
You're the one saying
that marriage takes work,
commitment...
- But the falling-in-love stage
is the best part.
- Wow.
I guess the honeymoon is over.
- Baby, I fall in love with you
all over again every day.
- Hi.
Sorry we're late.
- Okay.
- Mwah, mwah.
- Oh.
- Three.
- Three times.
- Thank you.
- Ha-ha!
Ha-ha!
Wonderful, you two.
Natural hoppers,
the both of you.
Let's have a seat.
What I need to know
is how you feel,
right here, right now.
- Winded.
- [Clears throat]
I meant emotionally.
- I feel humiliated.
- Yeah, me too.
Oh, you might want to rethink
that whole hopping ritual.
- I meant by your affair.
And now you won't even
tell the girls about Ian.
I feel like the last 25 years
of our marriage
was nothing but a sham,
built on secrets and deception.
- She's got you there, Bradley.
- Excuse me?
- You had the affair.
She posted the first points.
What's your comeback?
- Are you keeping score?
- It helps me figure out
who's to blame.
- Oh, yeah.
Mmm.
That is a perfectly cooked
steak.
How's your dinner, babe?
- It's cost my arms and legs.
[Laughter]
- Um, it's arm and leg.
[Smooching]
It's an arm and leg.
- An arm?
- An arm and leg.
- And leg.
- It costs an arm and leg.
- It costs an arm and leg.
- How cute is that?
That is cute.
Oh, as I keep explaining
to these officials,
that we had to get married
in a hurry
because her visa's running out.
- You didn't actually say that.
- You told me to be honest.
- Yeah, but I meant tell them
that you're so in love,
you couldn't wait
to get married,
not, "Let's do it
before she gets deported. "
- Well, I can't think
of a better reason
to get married on the fly.
Not like "I'm drunk
and in Vegas"
type deal, right, buddy?
[Soft thud]
Ow!
That was one
of your dumber ideas.
- What was a dumb idea?
- Oh!
Charlie!
[Mumbles indistinctly]
- I'm so sorry, buddy.
- Okay, now a little
to the right.
There you go.
Ooh, bull's-eye.
Whoop.
No lookee.
- Maybe you should go home
and change.
- Charlie, what's with you?
- He's like Edward Scissorhands.
# Clumsy #
You got to live with that.
Now I know
why your first wife left you.
Oh!
- [Speaking Polish]
- Okay.
I'm okay.
I'm okay.
You're okay?
[Speaking Polish]
- First wife?
What... what's he talking about?
- You never told her?
- When do you intend
to tell our daughters?
- I don't.
- Tell them what, Bradley?
- Nothing.
- Oh, for God's sakes.
You're not even gonna tell
our therapist about Ian?
- This is a private matter,
Betty.
He's a stranger.
- This is exactly your problem.
You're afraid of change.
You're afraid of anything new.
Do you know that he's eaten
the same breakfast
every morning
for the last 30 years?
Oatmeal,
without even any fruit on it,
the same bland, boring thing.
- I'm a traditionalist.
- Well, I am sick of it.
And until you are willing
to embrace
the new possibilities
that life is offering you, I...
I can't be with you.
- I'm prescribing
a method of therapy
which I have found
extremely successful.
It's called
"Brush with Death. "
It means time apart,
during which you don't
see each other
or talk to each other.
And no phone calls.
- I'm in.
- I should have said something.
It was annulled, which is almost
like it never happened.
I was drunk in Vegas.
I didn't even know the girl.
It doesn't count
as a real marriage.
- I can't believe you kept this
a secret from me.
- I didn't want
to disappoint you.
- How could you do something
so stupid?
- I was 22.
- That's old enough
to know better.
- Technically that's only
2 times 11.
- In what, guy years?
I don't...
I don't care what you did at 22.
I care that you lied to me now.
- I didn't lie to you.
- By omission.
It's the same thing.
How am I supposed to trust you?
- [Sighs]
- A brush with what?
- Death.
A Brush with Death.
It's ridiculous.
Is that a way
to save a marriage?
- His methods
are a little unorthodox,
but he usually gets
great results.
- Excuse me.
I'm gonna go have
a brush with death.
- You have to help me
with this.
- What can I do?
- I just figured,
with your prior experience,
you would know
all about marriage.
- Jesus, Ava.
You can't punish me
for something I did
years before we even met.
- It hurts knowing
I'm not the only girl
you ever wanted to marry.
It spoils the fairy tale.
- If it makes you feel
any better,
you're the only one
I married sober.
I'm sorry.
You're the one, Ava.
I love you.
What can I do
to make you feel better?
- Help me with my parents.
- Divorce is difficult, Ava,
but my parents are happier
now that they're not together.
- Do you think if my parents
get divorced,
my Dad's gonna want to go home
to an empty house?
- You're just playing dirty now.
- I just need you on my team.
- Okay.
I'm in.
- Ugh.
Worthless trash.
- What did it say?
- "Avoid all team sports. "
- Dr. George was quite specific
when he said "Brush with Death. "
It meant no contact.
- Yeah, but I figured
you and Dad
would probably respond better
to a more traditional method.
- Bradley.
You want to squeeze in a workout
after this?
- Oh, I already got my
squat thrusts in this morning.
- Please, you haven't
thrust anything in years.
- Welcome, everybody,
to Miraculous Marriages.
Freak out the fear!
Now, if I could get everybody
to gather round.
Gather round.
Get over here!
Okay, people, eyes here.
First, let's start
with our affirmation of the day.
Marriage to the max.
Marriage the max.
[Together]
Marriage to the max.
Marriage to the max.
Marriage to the max.
- Everybody.
Marriage to the max.
[Together]
Marriage to the max.
Marriage to the max.
- Wonderful.
Now for our first exercise,
we're going to start
a word association game.
I'm going to say a word,
and everybody is going to say
the first word
that pops
into their little head.
Now, remember,
say everything you feel.
There is no judgment here.
Let's start with you!
Newlywed!
- Commitment.
- Love.
- Wedding!
- Expensive.
- Cheap.
- Love!
- Cooking.
- Grateful.
- Oh, baby.
- Home!
- Sharing.
- Ooh, clothes.
- Husband!
- Hurt.
- Happy.
- Marriage!
- Can I just say
I love this exercise?
I actually use it
in my own practice.
- Stop right there!
One word.
- Disillusionment.
- Disillusionment?
Already?
- Not us.
Them.
- This exercise is about us,
what marriage means to you.
- Enough!
One word.
- Bliss.
"Bliss" is my word.
- Imperfections.
- Imperfections?
Are you talking
about your first wife or me?
- I was talking about me.
- Whatever.
Your word blows.
- This a no-judgment circle,
Ava.
- Next!
[Whistle blowing]
- Oh!
Thanks for catching me.
- I should have let you fall.
- I guess I would have
deserved that, huh?
- Old habits die hard,
I suppose.
- This is all about building
trust with your partner.
- Oh!
Ava.
- Move faster, sir.
Girl in the green sweater,
please don't hold
your wife's hand.
- Go, team us!
Go, team us!
All right, baby.
- Love you.
- I love you.
- Maybe I should go first.
- Would you give me some more
rope, you cheap bastard?
It's not even
your damn rope anyway.
- We have to use the line
sparingly.
I'm not sure how much is left.
- Trust your partner.
Embrace the mountain.
- Good job, babe.
- Work together as a team.
Come on, Betty!
Freak out the fear.
Freak out the fear!
- Fear is freaking me out.
- Mom, come on.
You can do it.
- Come on, Betty.
- Bradley, this is too high.
I can't go any further.
- Come on, Betty.
Don't be such a baby.
- Fine.
That's real supportive.
- Betty, your ass
is on my shoulder.
How much more supportive
do you want me to be?
- Then move.
I don't need you.
- Fine!
- [Screaming]
- Mom, I'm coming!
- Ah!
- [Gasps]
- [Grunts]
[Whistle blows]
- Oops.
Well, the good news is,
you only have to wear the brace
overnight.
- Yeah, and the bad news is,
my wife tried to kill me.
- Charlie, come on.
It was an accident.
I got distracted.
- By your parents.
- What am I supposed to do,
just stand back and let them
throw their marriage away?
- They're the ones
getting divorced.
Why are we the ones
suffering for it?
[Cheerful ukulele music]
- Oh, Moses,
another one of Mom's
indecipherable texts.
- Don't tell her we're going
to the florist, please.
- "Getting coffee
on Magazine Street. "
So since Dad
is staying with you,
Shabbat at your place?
- What?
- Shabbat dinner.
It's like Thanksgiving
for Jews.
The whole family gets together
to eat and argue,
but they do it every week.
So is it at your house?
- No, it's not at our house.
- You're a bad Jew.
- Shelby, I'm not Jewish,
and neither are you.
- You better hope God
didn't hear you say that.
- Crap.
Mom found us.
- Hi, babies!
I have exciting news.
- You and Dad
are back together?
- No,
I'm going to Thailand...
and India, China, Japan,
maybe even Tahiti.
- Oh, let's grab this table.
- But Dad hates to fly.
- Oh, I'm not going
with your father.
- And how long will you be gone?
- About six months.
- So I'll have the apartment
all to myself again?
- How could you do this
to Dad?
- It's always been my dream
to travel.
Well, you got to go to France
your junior year of college,
and Shelby had those two months
when she went missing in Mexico.
- Ay de mi.
Tiempos mas buenos.
- Your father's been afraid
to travel,
and this is my chance
to see the world.
- This isn't like you, Mom.
- No?
No, it's not like me at all.
I always do
what everybody else wants.
One day, you'll understand.
- No, I won't, because I would
never give up on my marriage.
- Like Miss Perfect would ever
have marital problems.
- Actually, I just found out
that Mr. Perfect
has been keeping a big secret
from me.
- Is he cheating on you
with his hot assistant?
- Shelby.
- Charlie's not cheating on me.
- How do you know?
Do you monitor his calls,
check his texts?
- No, 'cause I'm not
a psycho.
- Such an amateur.
- Charlie would never cheat.
- That's what I thought
about Dad.
- Men aren't perfect, honey.
They're just men.
- All of them?
- Yes, dear,
all of them.
- Damn.
- Mwah.
Mwah.
Bye, babies.
- Roses or orchids
for the centerpieces?
What do you think?
- I think we should
sincerely contemplate
changing the theme
of this party, Ava.
- Shelby, come on.
I need help.
- Yeah, you do.
Mom's leaving in ten days,
and the party's in two weeks.
What are you gonna tell
people to say?
"Surprise, Bradley.
"We know
you're getting divorced,
"but we wanted to celebrate
the milestone
that you didn't reach anyway"?
- They'll work it out!
- You should seriously
consider therapy.
- I've tried group therapy.
I've even tried that whack job
of a therapist
who told them
not to communicate.
- The Brush with Death.
I heard it's very successful
in the long run.
- But I don't have the long run.
I've got about a week
to fix this.
- You have to fix it, Ava?
- Who else?
- How about your parents?
- Well, they haven't exactly
been very effective
left to their own devices.
- And how has their separation
impacted your relationship
with Charlie?
- Who?
- Your husband.
- Oh, no.
Charlie.
He's fine.
He's great.
Well, actually, I just found out
he deliberately hid from me
the fact that he'd
been married before.
- So discovering
in quick succession
that both your father and your
husband were keeping secrets
doesn't have any great
significance for you?
- Okay.
I know where you're going
with this,
but can we just stick
to the issue at hand?
- Then your husband's previous
marriage is not an issue?
- Not presently.
No.
Can we get back to my parents?
- Did you consider
the possibility
that divorce could actually be
the best thing for your parents?
- [Laughs]
Seriously, though,
what do I do?
- Let go.
Let them work it out
for themselves.
- [Sighs]
By the way, do you lock
your filing cabinets?
[Rumbling]
You hooked up the dryer.
- Bradley did it.
- Oh.
- Not that I don't appreciate
all the help,
but sharing a house
with your dad
isn't exactly how I envisioned
married life.
- This has been hard on me too,
Charlie.
- Well, I miss my wife.
[Rumbling]
- Oh.
Hi.
This a bad time?
- Hi, Dad.
- Bradley.
- Thanks for hooking up
the dryer.
- Oh, it feels good to be handy,
you know.
I know Chuck's busy.
- I would have gotten to it
eventually.
- Yeah, right after you finish
putting up the shelves
in our bedroom?
- [Laughs]
- Excuse me.
I'm gonna take a shower.
- Did you talk to your mom?
I mean, did you tell her
how sorry I am
about the ass thing?
- Um, I didn't get a chance,
actually.
She seems to have made
some travel plans.
- Yeah, but your mother
hates to travel.
- Actually, it's always been
a dream of hers.
- She never mentioned anything.
- Did you ask?
Did you ever ask what she wanted
or if she was happy?
- She never complained.
I just assumed
that everything was fine.
- I don't think this is just
about the affair, Dad.
Do you?
- So where's she going?
- Thailand.
- When?
- In ten days.
- Oh, no.
She's gonna miss
our anniversary.
How long is she going for?
- Um, she didn't say exactly,
but she plans on making
a couple of other stops
along the way.
- How long, Ava?
- Six months.
- Six months.
It's over.
She's really left me
for good.
- Dad, you'll get her back.
You just have to show her
how much you love her
and remind her
how special she is to you.
Can you please try
and cheer my dad up?
Maybe take him out
for a drink or something?
I need to stop my mom
from leaving.
We'll get the two of them
together.
We can talk it through.
- That's a bad idea.
Group therapy sure didn't work.
- [Groans]
I'm running out of options,
Charlie.
Please help me.
You owe me for making me
wife number two.
- Fine.
I'll help you out one last time,
but you got to agree
to never mention that stupid
Vegas wedding again.
- Deal.
[Lively mandolin music]
- Here we go, gentlemen.
- Hey.
Oh, I can't drink this.
- Oh, yeah, you can.
I know the owner.
He's a big-time Jew.
Only serves kosher.
- Oh, thanks, Gerber.
I didn't know
there were Irish Jews.
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah?
- So this is great.
A night out with the boys.
- Yeah.
I got to tell you,
you got to leave the old ball
and chain at home sometimes.
Although I can't complain.
I love being married.
I have never had this much sex
in my life.
No, forget trolling bars
to get laid.
Get married.
Hello.
- You don't have sex
all the time.
- Oh, yeah.
Whenever I want.
Every which way.
- I miss my wife.
- Aw.
- Look, Bradley, I'm sure
you guys will work it out,
and if you don't...
- Yeah, be a man.
Bradley, there are plenty
of other chicks in the sea.
Eastern Europe is teeming
with beautiful young women
just dying to marry
a rich American.
- Let's not get ahead
of ourselves here, Gerber.
- 60 is the new 30.
I saw you over
at the karaoke machine,
ripping it up,
going to work.
[Tarzan yell]
Dude, Slavic hotties will be
all over your Johnson.
Yeah, they will be lining up
for a man with your experience.
- You think?
- Absolutely.
- Bet you find
a nice Jewish girl.
Uh-oh.
- Wouldn't Betty just love that?
- Oh, I know the perfect place
to celebrate your
newly anointed single status.
- Where?
- Got any dollar bills on you?
- Ah!
Let's have shots for everybody.
- We are gonna put
some boobs on your face.
Okay?
- Okay, just this one time.
Yes.
- Booby in your eye.
- I know the separation's
hard on you, Ava,
so I really appreciate
your show of support.
I should be netting the web
in no time at all.
- I just figured if you're gonna
be gone for six months,
you need to be
internet and email savvy.
Now we can keep in touch.
- Well, I must admit,
I am a little nervous.
- You are?
- Well, it's been a long time
since I did anything
this exciting or brave.
I can't remember
the last time I did anything
without your father.
- Or you could do this with him.
- Dad travel?
He has a hard time
going to the mailbox.
- [Laughs]
I just know he's devastated
without you.
[Bluesy rock music playing]
- [Slurping]
- Chase it!
- Yeah!
- Oh!
Who's next?
- Oh, my God!
- Here's Bradley!
- Aren't you just a little sad
that your marriage is over?
- Well, of course I am, Ava,
but your father's incapable
of change or even compromise.
And I refuse to be unfulfilled
any longer.
- Why didn't you say anything
before?
- I suppose I was
too busy worrying
about everyone else's needs
to think about my own.
[Indistinct chatter]
Doesn't that sound like...
[loud thud]
What?
- I'm all right.
I'm okay.
No problem.
Oh, you know, Charlie,
you're my bestest,
favoritest son-in-law ever.
- Really?
'Cause you're, like,
my very favorite
most father-in-law ever.
- Oh, come on,
give me a hug.
- Bradley Gold.
- Did you hear that?
That sounded like my wife,
except I don't have one anymore.
[Laughter]
- Exactly what did you have
to drink tonight?
- I don't know, but I'm sure
wasn't Manischewitz.
[Laughter]
- You should be ashamed
of yourself.
- What?
- What the hell
is wrong with you?
- How was I supposed to know
your mom would be here?
- I told you I was gonna try
to get the two of them together.
This is your idea of helping?
- You told me to cheer him up.
Trust me,
tonight he was so happy.
- Please tell me you did not
take my father Hot Chicks Live.
- We didn't go
to Hot Chicks Live.
Gerber's way too cheap
for Hot Chicks Live.
- Gerber was with you?
I hope you took a cab.
- I guess chauffer duties were
in their marriage arrangements,
'cause Gerber's wife
drove us home.
And she's great,
and they're having sex...
great Polish sex,
whatever that means...
whenever he wants.
- Show up at your daughter's
house this time of night,
drunk as a skunk.
I mean, what do you have
to say for yourself?
- [Burps]
- [Snickers]
- Thank you, Bradley,
for validating a very difficult
life-altering decision
I've just made.
I now know
absolutely for certain
that leaving you is the smartest
thing I've ever done.
- Mom, you don't mean that.
- Yeah.
- Do you know that I dis...
I discovered tonight
at this strip club?
- No, please enlighten me.
- I thought you said you didn't
take him to a strip club.
- No, I said I didn't take him
to Hot Chicks Live.
- I learned that there are women
in this world who want me.
- Oh, they don't want you,
you idiot.
They want your dollar bills.
- You know,
there's a nation in Europe
that has a lot
of pretty Russian Jews
who want to have sex with me.
- And time for bed.
- Too bad that you don't have
the balls
to fly out there and meet them.
- Well, then I'll just have
to ship them in.
- [Screams]
- Mazel tov.
- Oh!
I squished my fish.
Oh, no.
- Dude, did you say you were
gonna ship your balls?
- Poor Malcolm.
- This is what I'll be missing?
- Mom, please.
- Hey, Bradley, when I'm
cavorting naked on a Fiji beach
with my Polynesian Adonis,
I shall try to remember
to send you a postcard.
[Door slams]
- Oh...
I think that went well.
- I...
- "I" what?
- I love you.
- Do you realize
that what you did tonight
brought my parents
closer than ever to divorce?
- What I did?
I was just trying
to cheer him up.
I was helping you.
But if you hadn't tried
to interfere tonight,
none of this would have happened
in the first place.
- Charlie, my parents
are getting divorced.
I have real problems.
- You know, maybe we should stop
focusing on your parents...
Nice shelves.
And start focusing on us.
- Uh, what's that supposed
to mean?
- Well, for one thing,
it's been a little difficult
to have sex
with your dad staying here.
- Oh, I'm surprised you noticed.
You've been so busy
texting with Adrianna.
Work must be crazy.
- You're the one
who's too distracted
with everyone else's problems
to even have sex
with your own husband.
- [Sighs]
It's not been that long
since we've had sex,
and I've been busy.
- Well, you're not
doing anything right now.
- Ugh, Charlie,
if you think I'm gonna
sleep with you right now,
you're even more drunk
than I thought.
Oh!
Is it really too much to ask
to replace
the toilet paper roll?
Is it really that difficult?
What is it?
A genetic predisposition
to measure your shits
against the amount
of toilet paper left?
Oh!
And just so you know,
I did not fall in love with you
again today.
[Tranquil instrumental music]
- Morning, beautiful.
I made your favorite.
Black coffee,
two sugars.
Wheat toast with mayo.
Truce?
- Truce.
I have to cancel
the surprise party.
- You can't save
every marriage, Ava.
- I feel like such a failure.
- Promise me
you're done intervening.
- I have no other choice.
- Promise?
Meet me tonight for dinner?
- Mm-hmm.
I can tell that some
positive changes
have taken place
since our last session.
What's going on?
- When we left here, I began
to make that list you suggested.
I dug really deep,
and I realized the main reason
I was attracted to Courtney
was because her family was rich.
- Perhaps you were looking
to Courtney
to provide emotional security.
- Well, mostly I just liked
the fact she drove a Porsche.
- And I realized
what I liked about Lloyd
was that he wasn't rich.
I knew that if I married him,
it would really piss off
my father.
- Excuse me?
- Once we were finally honest
with each other,
it was like this huge relief.
So we've decided
to get a divorce.
- And we just wanted to come
here in person to thank you.
- To thank me for what?
- If it wasn't for you,
we could be stuck
in a lousy marriage for years
without knowing any better.
- Please, don't mention it.
- Oh, I just got four winks
on Match. Com.
- I already got a date.
- I need the guest list
for the party.
I have to cancel it before
I meet Charlie for dinner.
- You've seen the light.
I am taking Mom speed dating
tonight,
show her what the single life
is really like.
- Genius.
- I have my moments.
- Hey.
- Hi, John.
- Do you guys
have an appointment?
- No, things didn't really
work out with Amy and me.
- Oh.
So you're here to talk about it?
- No, actually,
I was wondering
if Shelby was available
for dinner this evening.
- Mm. No.
I saw your test scores.
- Cares more about your marriage
than you do.
That's why you got to talk
to your woman
and find out
what's the trouble.
- Amen, brother.
Amen.
[Door clicks open]
- Rough day?
- Rough week.
- Why'd you have an affair, Dad?
- You know,
that was a long time ago.
I never would have done it
if I thought your mother and I
were gonna be reconciled.
But...
I'm miserable, Ava.
I can't sleep.
I can't eat.
I just want her back.
- Don't worry, Dad.
We'll get her back.
You and me together,
we'll do whatever it takes.
Why don't you go
get an early night?
- I just haven't been able
to sleep since she left.
My mind keeps me awake,
keeps racing.
- Charlie has sleeping pills.
- You think that's safe?
- Of course.
I'll go grab them.
- Well, how many do I take?
- Two, and you'll sleep
like a baby.
No!
I said two, Dad.
- From what I remember
about babies,
they wake up a lot.
Good night, pumpkin.
[Mischievous music]
[indistinct chatter]
- I'm not sure about this
speed dating thing, Shelby.
- Oh, you'll love it.
You can squeeze in 50 bad dates
and only sacrifice one night.
- Oh!
[Laughs]
Well, welcome, all.
Now, you'll have five minutes
to speak with your date.
When I hit that buzzer,
the man must move on
to the next woman.
Under 35s to my right.
Over 35s to my left.
Ladies, please,
take your seats.
[Laughs]
- Come on, Mom.
Let's go.
[Line rings]
[Phone ringing]
[toilet flushes]
[Phone chimes]
- [snoring]
- [sighs]
[Touch-tones beeping]
[Line rings]
- 911.
Is this an emergency?
- Hi, I think my dad
overdosed on sleeping pills,
and I need an ambulance
right away.
- A marriage is forever.
Fidelity is essential.
A shame my ex-wife
didn't agree.
Yeah, she left me.
- Oh.
- At least she thinks she did.
[Laughing]
[Buzzer buzzes]
- Men, y'all better move.
- I think you're in
the wrong section.
The under 35s are over there.
- A cougar's calling.
Rawr!
[Buzzer buzzes]
- Child, didn't you hear
that buzzer?
Time to switch.
Get over here.
- I really like squirrels.
You like squirrels?
- I think I heard the buzzer.
- I'm so nervous.
I hate these things.
- Hmm.
- Ava!
Ava!
Are you okay?
- Yeah.
- Bradley.
What happened?
- How many sleeping pills
did he take?
- Uh, I don't know,
but the bottle was empty
when I found it.
- My bottle of sleeping pills?
That was practically full.
- One of you can ride with us.
- I'll follow in my car, okay?
- Okay.
[Phone ringing]
- So do you want to go home
and slit our wrists now
or get drunk first?
- Hi, Ava.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, we're coming.
We're coming.
- I never should have left
my pills out.
I just didn't see this coming.
Did you?
- Me?
No.
- Where is he?
Where is he?
Is he all right?
- It's okay.
Doctors are in with him
right now.
- It's all my fault.
I'm a horrible wife.
- I can't believe he actually
tried to kill himself.
- Shelby.
Not now.
- He's recovering nicely.
- Oh, thank God for that.
Can I see him?
- Of course. Go in.
Nurse, show her in, please.
I have to tell you, though,
we did find
some very small traces
of the drug in his system.
In my opinion, this was not
a suicide attempt.
- Oh, that's a huge relief,
Doctor.
Thank you so much for your help.
Thank you.
- You're welcome.
We'll keep him here overnight
just to make sure,
but he should be fine to leave
in the morning.
- Okay.
- All right.
- It's just so strange.
You said the bottle
was empty, right?
- Yeah, I think.
- Either it was empty
or not.
- Mm.
It's not that simple.
- What's not that simple?
It was empty, or why else
would you call 911?
- As a precaution.
- Ava, what are you
talking about?
- I've always wanted to try
the food here.
I hear their Jell-O
is fabulous.
- I may have
slightly exaggerated
the number of pills
that he took.
- Exaggerated?
- I'm gonna go find
the cafeteria
and that hot doctor.
- Oh, you're not
gonna like this.
Um...
I knew my dad didn't take
the whole bottle,
but he was having
a lot of trouble sleeping,
so he took three
to help him fall asleep.
- And the rest of them?
- I flushed them
down the toilet.
- You did what?
- I know.
I'm not proud.
- Jesus, Ava.
What the hell is wrong with you?
- I was desperate, okay?
My dad has been just devastated
since the separation,
and I needed to do something
to bring them together.
- You promised me
you were done interfering.
What you did was illegal.
If anyone found out,
you could lose your license.
You could even go to prison.
- Charlie, you're making it
sound way worse than it is.
- No, Ava,
I'm telling you how it is.
- Their 30th anniversary
is coming up...
- I can't believe this.
- Why are you walking away
from me?
- How dare you think you can
just manipulate people
to get your way?
- I'm sorry, but I did it
for my parents.
- No, you didn't do it
for them.
You did it for yourself.
- I was only trying
to help.
Charlie, where are you going?
- I can't believe
this is who you are!
[Somber piano music]
- I'm dead, aren't I?
- No.
Very much alive.
- Are you sure?
Because for me,
heaven is where you are, Betty.
I love you so much.
And I'll do
whatever you want me to do.
I'll get on a plane
to Thailand.
I'll pick up a tapeworm
in India.
I'll even come clean
with the girls about Ian.
But I want you to be happy,
Betty,
and I want to be part
of that happiness.
- When I got that phone call
tonight,
I realized that you're not
a part of that happiness.
- Oh.
- You are
that happiness to me.
Mm.
- Mm.
- [Laughs]
- [Snorts]
[Laughter]
- Mom's gonna spend
the night.
You need a ride?
If it's any consolation,
I thought it was
an inspired idea.
- Thanks.
I'll remember that when I get
the divorce papers.
- No, I'm serious.
That took major balls.
I have a newfound respect
for you.
- Somehow that makes me
feel worse.
- Excuse me.
What room is Bradley Gold in?
- Just a second.
- Isn't that
the deli delivery guy?
- Yeah, his wife, Betty,
called me.
I'm his son.
- It's room 412.
- 412.
Thank you.
- How old are you?
- 25.
- Me too.
When's your birthday?
- May.
- I'm June.
- Busy month.
- Is there a July?
- How long have you known?
- Lan came to me
right after your wedding.
- How come you didn't
say anything before?
- Oh, I was shocked.
- In our dad's defense,
he didn't know about me.
My mom kept his identity secret.
I mean, I only found out,
well, after she died
a few months ago.
- That sucks.
- Yeah, yeah,
it really does.
- Sorry.
So when were you planning
on telling us?
- He was working up to it.
- I realize that I have
some apologizing to do,
and, Ian, I know that I
missed out on, well, everything.
But I'd like to make it up
to you if you'd let me.
- And all this time,
I thought I was an only child.
- You might still wish you were.
[Melancholy country music]
- # Laid our blessings
on the ground #
# The softening sound #
# Draws us closed again #
# Stay,
stay and watch the coals #
# Till they cease to glow #
# Like empty promises #
# Why #
# Why did you go #
# Why did you go away #
# Why #
- Oh, thank you.
[Laughing]
- # Why did you go #
# Why did you go away #
# Babe #
[knocking]
- Hi.
It's your wife.
Remember me?
- I'm not sure who you are.
- [Sighs]
I know you're angry,
but you didn't tell me about
your whole Vegas wedding,
and I still forgave you.
So maybe this is my
total screw-up moment
you just have to forgive me for.
You planning on coming home
anytime soon?
- I can't answer that
right now.
- You can't just ignore
our marriage, Charlie.
- The way you have?
- I'm a therapist.
Helping people is what I do.
But this was personal.
My parents were separating.
- Yeah.
- [Sighs]
The anniversary party's on
for tomorrow afternoon.
Will you be my date?
- I'm not really in the mood
to celebrate.
- Is there something else
going on?
I mean, you and Adrianna
seem awfully close.
- If that's the person
who you think you married,
then what are you
even doing here?
- Aren't we worth fighting for?
- What are you fighting for?
Your marriage or me?
- It's the same thing.
- No.
No, it's not.
You want a husband so when your
patients ask if you're married,
you can tell them yes.
And that way, it'll validate
all the advice you give them.
I feel like the worst thing
we did to our relationship
was get married.
- Sorry to interrupt you guys.
Charlie,
it's your conference call
to discuss the new chardonnay.
They're on line two.
- Thanks.
I have to get this.
- Got any tequila over there?
- What, you want a shot?
- Just hand me the whole bottle.
- You know why I think Charlie
gave you the wine
for a wedding gift?
- Is this really relevant, Dad?
- Could be.
He told me once that
when the grapes are growing,
the winemakers
purposely stress them out
by depriving them of water
and giving them
an overabundance of sunshine.
Now, this weeds out
the weak ones,
and only the strongest
and best survive,
and those are the grapes
that make the finest wine.
Now, the greatest love
survives the harshest
of conditions.
And surviving that turmoil
is what makes a marriage strong.
- Thanks, Dad.
But I still want the tequila.
- [Laughs]
- Dude, better get dressed.
Come on.
Don't want to be late
and ruin the surprise.
- I'm not going.
[Door clicks shut]
- [Speaking Polish]
- [Speaking Polish]
I left the toilet seat up.
It's a work in progress.
- Tell me about it.
- You know, buddy,
you're always welcome here,
but how long
are you planning to stay?
It's just Kasha's parents
are coming to visit
and her two brothers
and three cousins.
- Are you all right
with that?
- Absolutely.
When you get married, you don't
set limits on what love means.
Okay, but that shit is weird,
dude, with the bread
and the mayo.
I bet you're the only person
on Earth
that eats toast that way.
- Dad, are you sure
you can drink that?
I don't think it's kosher.
- Well, I'm taking
a more relaxed approach
to things these days.
Besides,
we're celebrating.
Your mother and I just booked
a trip to Thailand.
- Wow.
- Exotic trips,
exotic cuisine...
how will you survive?
[Cork pops]
- Tums.
- Lan's gonna housesit
for us.
- What?
How come he gets to?
- Because he's older,
sweetheart.
- By a month.
- Sibling rivalry.
Started already.
- Don't worry about it, Shel.
I'll invite you
to all the wild parties.
And you won't even
be responsible for the cleanup.
- Brother, where have you been
all my life?
Come with me.
I'll show you where Dad
hides the good booze.
- Is Charlie meeting us
at the winery?
- It was nice of him to
invite us to the wine tasting.
- It's not you guys
he's upset with.
- Well, best get going.
- Betty.
- Yes?
Oh, thank you, darling.
I'm just gonna run upstairs
and update my Facebook status.
- I hate to see you go,
but I love to watch you leave.
[Brassy jazz music]
- Bradley, did you take
your antacid?
- No.
- You know how white wine
affects your stomach.
You won't be able to sleep.
- With any luck...
[together]
Surprise!
[Laughter]
- Are you two
responsible for this?
- You two should be grounded
for lying to us.
- Are we really grounded?
- She's not my mom.
- Well, I don't believe it.
- Well, I just want to thank
you all for being here today.
30 years is no mean feat,
and I'd be lying to you
if I told you that we hadn't had
a few bumps along the road.
- Or mountains.
- But I just want to tell you
how lucky I feel
to have this woman
by my side
and how I love her even more
for sticking with me
during those trying times
when even I might have left me.
So I just want
to propose a toast
to the love of my life,
to Betty.
- Betty.
- Betty.
- Betty.
- L'chaim.
[Applause]
[Melancholy flute music]
- This will help.
Charlie running late?
- I don't think
he's gonna make it.
- Will you two?
- I don't know.
I don't know what happened.
- Yeah, I mean,
you ignored him
by prioritizing your parents,
sex-starved him,
and then you went
psycho criminal on his ass.
I can see
where it gets confusing.
- [Sighs]
I did try apologizing.
- Trying to get him to come
to your parents'
anniversary party
so you don't lose face
in front of the family
is a lot like apologizing.
- When did you get so smart?
- Is Ava Dalton admitting
that she doesn't know
everything?
- Yes, yes.
Okay, I admit it.
I'm not perfect,
and I don't know everything.
- Well, I've known that
for about 25 years.
I think there might be
someone else
you need to mention it to.
- Oh, say good night
to Mom and Dad for me.
- I should open
my own practice.
- There you are, darling.
I've been looking for you.
This is Jeremiah,
Rabbi Stevens' son.
And this is my daughter Shelby.
- Hi, Jeremiah,
Rabbi Stevens' son.
- Nice to meet you.
- Have a seat.
- Thank you.
- I think you may find you have
quite a few things in common.
- So you're Jewish.
Wait a minute.
My dad told me about you.
Aren't you
the wandering degenerate?
- And aren't you
the sponging sister?
- It's "slutty sponging sister,"
if you don't mind.
- No, actually,
I don't mind at all.
- [Laughing]
[Spirited piano music]
- I'm so sorry, Charlie.
- Before you start apologizing,
I have some things to say.
Okay?
About eight weeks ago,
you promised to love me
in sickness, in health,
and all that other stuff.
Remember?
Well, I have some amendments
to those vows.
Do you promise to fall in love
with me every day,
even when we fight?
- Yes.
- Will you swear
to have sex with me
at least twice a week,
sometimes twice a day
when the mood strikes?
- Oh, yes.
- And finally,
do you accept the fact
that I'll probably never, ever
in the next 50 years
remember to put a new
toilet roll on the dispenser?
- [Laughing]
I do.
- Let's go back.
Let's show these people
that we know how to make
a marriage work.
- No.
- No?
- A marriage isn't official
until it's been consummated.
- I knew there was a reason
why I married you.
[baby cooing]
Who's the most beautiful baby
in the whole wide world?
- Look at Mommy.
[Brassy jazz music]
- # How lucky can one guy be #
# I kissed her
and she kissed me #
# Like the fella once said #
# "Ain't that a kick
in the head" #
- Oh, and just so you know...
Ah!
- I'm a big boy.
Didn't use to be.
- Focus.
And action.
[Laughter]
- # My life
is gonna be beautiful #
# I've sunshine enough
to spread #
# It's just like
the fella said #
- Are you wearing a yarmulke?
- Yeah, you like it?
I had to dig around
in the basement to find it.
I haven't worn one
since I was a kid.
- Nice.
Very... Jewish.
- Well, that's the look
I was going for.
- Physical contact
make you uncomfortable?
- No, I just don't hug
strangers,
most particularly,
men I don't know.
- He's more comfortable
sleeping with women
he's just met.
- It's "slutty sponging sister,"
if you don't mind.
- No, actually,
I don't mind at all.
- [Laughs]
Sorry.
- All right, cut.
- Did we get it?
- What the hell?
Oop.
- # If this is just
the beginning #
# My life
is gonna be beautiful #
# She's telling me
we'll be wed #
# She's picked out
a king-size bed #
# I couldn't feel any better #
# Or I'd be sick #
# Tell me quick #
# Oh, ain't love a kick #
# Tell me quick #
# Ain't love a kick #
# In the head #
[music stops]
[Gentle violin picking]
[lively orchestral music]