Mac & Devin Go to High School (2012) Movie Script

And stay out!
Man, this girl is trying
to fuck up my day.
Talkin' about she want
to watch a romantic comedy.
Get the fuck outta here!
I ain't watchin' no lovey-dovey,
funny bunny ass shit with her.
Anyway, sorry everyone.
Let me properly
introduce myself.
My name is Slow Burn,
and I am your movie guide.
We will be watching
"Mac and Devin
Go To High School"
starring Snoop Dogg
and Wiz Khalifa.
But before we get started
with the picture,
I would like to make sure
everyone is comfortable
and properly prepared.
We all know the regular routine.
Go the bathroom,
turn off your annoying-ass
cell phone,
get a big ass popcorn,
and a cup of ice-cold
carbonated sugar water--
You missin' one key
ingredient, nigga.
How you gonna watch
a motherfuckin' weed movie
without no motherfuckin' weed?
Get your papers, your bongs,
your bowls, your blunts,
some fat- ass nugs
of that Good-Good
and spark that shit up!
Now, if you unfortunate
right now,
and don't have any weed,
I'm sorry.
But please,
stop this movie right now.
It just won't work,
you can't watch
this shit without no weed.
You don't play baseball
without no bat, do you?
For the same reason
you don't watch a Three-D movie
without Three-D glasses.
So go figure that out,
then put your goddam
ganja goggles on,
and get ready for lift-off.
Thank you, kindly.
And without further ado,
I would like to present,
and Devin Go To High School."
Hold on!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
For all of you that like to play
those movie weed games,
like smoke every time
so and so character
says this or does that,
here's the official
weed game for this movie.
Take a hit every time
you see a character on screen
either walkin', talkin',
or breathin'.
Matter of fact, let's do
one together right now.
That's what the fuck
I'm talkin' about.
W- what you waitin' on, man?
Start the movie.
[ inhale ]
No, a nigga don't wanna
go to school today
Let me call this bitch
and get my shit together
When I pull up people
so fresh in my ride
We smoke the best
you can buy
Them niggas talking it
but they just don't
go harder than us
Keep stunting
just cause I can
Hey, Mac, man, what's up, man?
Where the weed at, man?
Hey, Mac, let me
get some weed, bro.
Can I get some weed, man?
They just don't go
harder than us.
This one's for the g's
all black chucks
on the cuffs of my jeans
King size papers
stuffed full of trees,
I be with the boss dawg
y'all fuck niggas, please
Now they say I'm hot,
hundred something degrees,
taking pictures with
a young nigga, cheese
Remember days, homey,
I ain't had a thing
Now I'm hopping
off the plane,
putting roaches on the wing
And my hos like queens,
but we smoke like kings
Jewelry froze like bling,
money come fast,
you're slow like lean
Rolling up grass...
I need the Mac, man.
Hook it up, man.
What's up, Mac?
I wanna get my higher
learnin' on, bro.
Gotta be like good, good,
don't you know.
Stress be make
a nigga head hurt.
For real.
We smoke the best
you can buy
Them niggas talking it
but they just don't
go harder than us
Keep stunting
just cause I can
These hos know
just who I am
Them niggas talking it
but they just don't
go harder than us
We blow to
the middle of the day
Wiz say, Dogg,
put a little in the J
Hey, why not?
Not why?
We fly, we ride,
she high, he high...
Mr. Mac, I...
Never mind.
Thank you for your time.
He just smoke all day,
it's a mind game
Like Kareem,
I seem to keep migraines
Richie Valenz and bitch,
I'm Frankie Lymon
I'm so lifted,
like a parachuter
My grass, stay off,
day off, Ferris Bueller
Slip away, dip away,
almost had to throw
a whole zip away
But fuck that,
this the Taylor Gang,
what you want, dawg,
shit I'm on everything
You dig?
Looky, player,
you got what I need,
I'm lookin' for the green.
I'm looking for the weed,
give it to the fiend.
But they just don't
go harder than us.
Keep stunting
just cause I can
These hos know
just who I am
Them niggas talking...
I need to get high, man.
You know what I'm saying?
Put some kush up in it.
All I got is pesos.
Is that cool?
You niggas never have,
never will, what?
You niggas never have,
never will, what?
Big Snoop and Wiz smoking,
kill, kill
I said, you niggas never
have, and you never will
You niggas never have,
and you never will
You niggas never have,
and you never will
Big Snoop and Young Wiz
smokin' kill, kill, kill...
You niggas still
in Junior High School
Hey, good morning, how's
my favorite MILF doing today?
I got just what you need.
I know you do.
Take two of these.
Here you go, sweetie.
All right, baby.
We smoke the best
you can buy
I need that homework
done in Calculus tonight,
you feel me?
Yes, Mac.
I'll do this.
Hey, Big Mac, how you doin'?
A la mnage a trois?
What's up, bro?
You comin'
to the game tonight?
You better score
two touchdowns tonight, boy.
Wes, Wes.
Let's smoke something, Mac.
I got you, brother,
don't even trip.
We smoke the best
you can buy
[ bell rings ]
Watch where the fuck
you're walking, stupid bitch!
These hos know
just who I am
[ whistles ]
I can't wait to taste it.
Be patient, baby.
All I need you to do,
I need you to
climb up there, come on.
Dang, girl.
Get it together.
Come close to the wall.
Oh, my god.
See, I got like messed up,
you kids.
I'm old school!
That means I don't
play that shit.
Whatever, man.
Man, turn back, turn-
turn around.
That's the reason
why I called
the Assistant Principal,
Mr. Skinnfloot,
'cause I know he'll give
every one of you a pass.
Man, we didn't do shit.
Turn back arou- You wanna
lose your strength?
What's up, Mr. Skinnfloot?
You see I done handled this.
Look how- look how
I got 'em lookin'.
That fool, Skinnfloot,
jacked me for that master kush,
it's got to be
in here somewhere.
Sit back.
Let me find it.
Where did this fucker
put my thing at?
Wait a minute.
That don't smell like no....
Come here.
This is the last time you...
[ intercom squeals ]
Oh, yeah...
Oh, yeah.
Oh, wow.
[ girl ]
You know I'm ready Big Daddy.
[ Mac ]
Feast your eyes on my big, fat,
long, succulent, mouth-watering
woo-wa for the doo-da.
[ girl ]
I knew it'd be big,
but I've never seen
anything this big.
[ Mac ]
Just put it
in your mouth, baby.
[ girl ]
It's so thick,
I can barely hold it.
[ Mac ]
Yes, you can.
Just go aaah...
There you go.
Stop listening to that filth!
[ Mac ]
[ girl ]
I can't fit it all in my mouth.
Yo, that dude is crazy.
[ Mac ]
Just stuff it in there
and get to suckin'.
No, he ain't.
Skinny Dick, you wanna hit?
Mac, the word around
this high school
is that you have the finest
kush in all the land.
Hook me up, Mac,
I know you got it.
I am prepared to
pay you in chain mail,
a quiver of arrows, three
broad swords, and two oxen.
I got a couple fat bitches
and one midget in the car.
You could fuck any one you want.
You know what I'm sayin'?
Just let me just hold
that ounce or two
to you know, just Friday.
Hey, Mac.
Dr. Andrews,
third period English.
These crazy kids
gave me a migraine.
You think you could
hook me up with a joint
to relieve the pain?
Salmon Sandbar?
You gonna be there
all day, man?
Yeah, probably.
High school.
It's the best of times,
it's the worst of times.
It's the times
that try men's soul.
Ask not what high school-
Wow, shit.
Ask not what high school can do
for you, but what you can do-
It's the best of times,
it's the worst of times.
It's time for me
to write a new speech.
What the fuck, man.
It's the times
that try men's soul.
And that was horrible.
Yo, your speech sucks.
Hey, how's the speech
coming, Devin?
Um, I'm almost done with it,
but it'll be good.
Well, it better be.
You want to stay together
after graduation, right?
Of course I do, Ashley.
Then you need
to go to Yale.
And to go to Yale,
you need a scholarship.
And my dad made a call to
the guy that he knows, but--
Well, I'm- I'm just really
having a hard time
figuring out the best part
of my high school experience.
Well, duh, that would be me.
Yeah, well, I know that.
Just think how amazing
it'll be when we're engaged
and we have matching
diplomas on the wall.
It'll be so fabulous,
I won't be able to stand it.
But no pressure though, babe.
Just don't fuck up,
or I'll dump you.
Just kidding!
Sort of.
Call me later?
Do you know what that is?
It's the controlling
bitch alert.
Attention, gentlemen,
please ask the ladies
to give us a brief moment.
We will only be a second,
Thank you.
Come on, now.
Come on, playa.
That- that go
for your girl, too.
I- Look at your girl
sittin' right there.
Come on, man.
Fuck, niggas, fuck.
Okay, they gone?
Now look, this is some
serious shit, man.
Devin is in some deep doo-doo.
There's a huge population
of controlling bitches
on this earth
and they keep expanding.
And you know what?
It's our motherfuckin' fault!
If you a nigga like that,
and you got a bitch like that,
get the fuck out now!
Either get 'em in line,
or kick 'em to
the motherfuckin' curb.
Amen, hallelujah.
Oh, yeah.
All right, yeah.
Ladies, y'all can
come on back now.
[ bell rings ]
Know what this is
I'm filling out?
An order for some
medium-sized condoms?
These are your expulsion papers.
Expulsion for what?
Oh, well let's see.
Breaking and entering,
possession of a narcotic.
Fool, last I checked, this shit
was legal in California.
You're done, Mister.
Your fifteen-year tenure
at this school is over.
Assistant Principal
Do we have a problem
with this student?
Not anymore.
Because you do know
that all expulsions
are handled by me,
Yes, but this student always
seems to get off with you.
Does he?
Uh, do you mind giving us
a few minutes?
But this is my office.
Yeah, do you want it
to remain your office?
Yes, Principal Cummings.
Oh, Mr. Johnson.
What have you done this time?
You are such the naughty,
naughty little student.
What am I gonna do with you?
You always make me have
to punish you so severely.
Always getting me riled up!
[ knock on door ]
We need to see who that is.
Well, you just meet me
in my office after school today
and we're gonna take
care of that little bit
of unfinished business, okay?
I'm sorry, do you work here?
Uh, actually,
this is my place of business.
Can I help you?
I'm Miss Huck,
the new substitute teacher
for AP Chemistry.
I know a thing or two
about chemistry.
Excuse me?
What is it that you do here?
I'm Mr. Johnson,
the Athletic Director.
Hopefully I'll see you around
the campus later on today.
It's past fourth period,
I promise you
I'm going to get it.
Right there.
Let's go.
What are you doing?
Hit that.
Let me get that,
let me get that.
Yes, Sir.
That's some- that's some
powerful stuff right there.
Yes, Sir.
I like- I like that
right there.
Yes, Sir.
Improper use of lab glassware
is a hazard, you know?
Did you know that
motherfuckin' outfit
you got on
is a style hazard?
What are you doing here, anyway?
You're not smart enough
to be in this class.
And how you know?
'Cause you been in high school
for like a half a century.
Mr. Johnson.
Class, I'm Ms. Huck,
your new substitute teacher
for the rest
of the semester.
What happened to Mr. Luznar?
Mr. Luznar met with a rather
tragic chemical accident.
I've spoken
with your teacher
and he wants you all
to present a research project
for your final grade.
Partners are as follows.
Harding and Pell.
Suzuki and Ofaso.
Jones and Greenberg.
And Overstreet and Johnson.
W- with all due respect,
this pairing could jeopardize
my entire future!
Well, Miss Huck, I've been
looking forward to meeting you.
I'm the Assistant Principal,
Ralph Skinnfloot.
Nice to meet you,
Mr. Skinnfloot.
If you need anything at all,
please, don't hesitate to ask.
And if you have any problems
with this one, just let me know.
Thank you.
By the way, I'd love
to welcome you with my staff.
I- I mean, to the staff.
Over dinner.
I don't think
that's appropriate.
So, a maybe?
Very encouraging.
Hey, Mac!
It's down to two.
Two geniuses banging brains.
Only one can stand and come.
What are you talking about,
That's Mahatma Chang Greenberg
to you.
Learn it.
'Cause come graduation day
when I, and not thee,
assume the position
of Valedictorian,
that will suck for you.
Oh, really?
'Cause last time I checked,
I'm still number one
in the class.
Yeah, well I'm taking
like seven AP classes.
You get an A-minus
and your ass is mine.
You hear me?
What do you want with my ass,
My brain is gonna
do all types of things
to your ass
come graduation day.
Fuckin' nerd.
I need you to uh, check me into
that AP Chemistry class
with Miss Huck.
You know I got you, Mac.
I always do.
Fo sho.
What's up?
Man, we need
to study tonight.
Study. Yeah.
Get at me at nine o'clock
on the corner of "Why Dontcha"
and "BlowMe"?
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
What do you say, you, me,
and little buddy
right here make three?
I'm sorry,
I don't date students.
Well, I guess I'll just
have to drop out.
I don't date liars either,
Mr. Athletic Director.
Let me apologize for that.
How can I make it up to you?
Can I take you out on a date?
You want a date with me?
You need to graduate
high school first.
And I'll be confiscating this
in the meantime.
Good goobly goo.
Let the learning begin.
You can't smoke in here,
young man.
Hey, don't worry about it, baby,
I got a medical condition.
What condition is that?
I got an addiction.
I'm addicted
to Granny Punany.
What are you doing here?
Man, you was right, D-Street.
That graduation thing
is important.
Guess you finally came
to your senses.
Just hook me up
the knowledge, College.
Oh, yeah?
Start here.
Dang it.
Gimme my candy, motherfucker.
What's up, super freak?
I'm sorry, man.
I just get low
on blood sugar and...
Come on!
Relax. Relax.
I got just want you need.
You ain't gonna eat that?
We can go half and half.
A toast to expanding minds.
Yo, thanks man.
I needed that.
More than you'll ever know.
A quick lesson on weed edibles.
Snacks made with cannabis, i.e.
weed brownies, cookies,
chocolates, lollipops,
fruit rollups, breath strips,
gummy candies, cakes, pies,
and all the other hundred
type of fucked up goodies
that get you fucked up,
this is not for beginners.
This is extremely different
than smoking weed.
It's way more intense
and can take over your mind
and trip you the fuck out!
You don't believe me?
Ask your friends.
Right now. Ask 'em.
A) Have you ever
eaten weed edibles?
And B) Did those edibles
make you feel
like two cartoon mermaids was
using their sexy little tail
to play ping pong
with your brain?
That's what I thought.
Shit 'bout to get wavy, baby.
[ bells ringing ]
I think it's snowing.
You're feeling it, huh?
Feeling what?
The Green Goddess.
Ganja Goodies.
Cush Cakes.
Herb Hors d'oeuvres.
Kind Kookies.
Yes, Sir.
Does that mean I'm...
I'm high?
As a kite.
Here we go.
Watch where you're going.
Yo, Mac.
It's like I got this track
playin' in my head.
It's like perfectly synchronized
to my moves and everything.
My heartbeat.
You hear it?
You cool, new school?
[ robot sounds ]
I think so.
Well, hook me up with that dope
shit you got goin' on.
Which one?
The one in my head?
Yeah nigga.
You heard that?
Man, that shit dope
as a motherfucker.
But what happened
to the singing now?
Wait, what singing?
I ain't hear any singing.
I can't sing.
D, ain't nobody here but me.
You gotta let that
feeling feel good.
Matter of fact,
let that shit out.
Man, let me hear it, man.
Man, come on.
Every time I go out
I'm blowin' that smoke out
A buyer don't even
know the price
I talk cause I live it
Come pay me a visit
And I'll be somewhere
up in the sky
My nigga,
it's about to go down
Oh, we fly, it's no lie
that we high 'til we die
We end up in this
Roll one up,
clean the ride,
in case some hos want
to jump inside
Nigga, that shit right there,
go hard.
Ladies and gentlemen
Players and playerettes
Teachers, staff, and students
I am very honored to welcome you
to the high school
annual talent show
Brought to you by the makers of
Wiz Khalifa Premium
Rolling Papers
And the qualified growers
of Snoop Dogg Master Kush
So without further adieu
Let's get this show on the road
First contestant, bring your
talent to the foreground,
and let your smoke
be your playground
Every time I go out
I'm blowin' that smoke out
A buyer don't even
know the price
I talk as I live it
Come pay me a visit
And I'll be somewhere
up in the sky
My nigga,
it's about to go down
Oh, we fly, it's no lie
that we high 'til we die
I'll beat it up
in this hotel
Roll one up, clean the ride,
in case some hos
want to jump inside
Got a drink filled
with quality shit
My bottom bitch
smokin' with me
Niggas talk shit
All of 'em shrimp
I'm a big fish
Roll a joint, lick it once
'til you hit this
Roofies on my dick,
Several pushers
on my hit list
In and out these
niggas bitches,
smokin' tree
and not to mention
hustlin' tryin'
to mind my business
You probably went to class
while I was
in the hallway skippin'
Yeah, I hear
what they're sayin'
I just be too high to listen
About my money, trippin'
If I even thought it wrong
Smokin' is good
If it's fat,
tell you I sold it all
I'll wait 'til one of my hos
come 'round and roll it up
Or say fuck it and cuff it
till I go smoke with Dawg
I show up, I show up,
I show up Car,
push the start,
hit the button once, it go off
Keep the money comin' in
and the papers rolled up
And I ain't worried about
a hatin' nigga givin' no love
Every time I go out
I'm blowin' that smoke out
A buyer don't even
know the price
I talk as I live it
Come pay me a visit
And I'll be somewhere
up in the sky
My nigga,
it's about to go down
Oh, we fly, it's no lie
that we high 'til we die
I'll beat it up
in this hotel
Roll one up, clean the ride,
in case some hos want
to jump inside
I go green like I was
Archbishop Don Juan
And blow circles 'round
you suckers like a marathon
My gym teacher told me,
but I didn't listen
My bitch did my homework
and now I'm in detention
It sure beats suspension
This is my audition,
so play your position
Get the picture I envision
Did she mention?
Snoop Dogg
was made for kissin'
A barracuda fish
and she on a mission for me
Pleasure, pain, and glory,
and my inventory
My SAT's, my little bitch,
she did 'em for me
And now we prancin' onstage
at the talent show
We flow, see my clothes,
my chain,
and knapsack full of that,
hand me that,
can you see my telescope
Principal, say she wanna see
me 'cause she smell my smoke
About my money, trippin'
Even if I thought it wrong
Blowin' songs with Wiz
'cause this is the booty call
Every time I go out
I'm blowin' that smoke out
A buyer don't even
know the price
I talk as I live it
Come pay me a visit
And I'll be somewhere
up in the sky
My nigga,
it's about to go down
Oh, we fly, it's no lie
that we high 'til we die
I'll beat it up
in this hotel
Roll one up, clean the ride,
in case some hos
want to jump inside
It's the archbishop,
Don "Magic" Juan...
Man, I am hungry.
Let's get it.
So what we get drunk
So what we smoke weed
We're just having fun
Hey, Big Mac.
How you doin', sexy?
Good, mamacita.
Just showing my brother
from another mother
the way of the weed.
All right.
So what'll it be?
It'll be the usual.
Let me get uh, two Scooby Snacks
with special sauce on it.
Comin' right up.
Oh, yeah, baby.
Yo, I really needed this, man.
Shit. Every motherfucker
needs this.
'Cause I've been stressed
over this stupid speech, man.
The Valley Dictorian, right?
And everybody expects
me to talk about
the good times I had
in high school--
But you ain't had
no good times.
Here you go.
Thank you, baby.
Two Scooby Snacks.
So you do this all the time?
Every minute
of the motherfuckin' day.
So you don't worry
about the future?
No, D.
I vast in the moment.
Man, I wish I could do that.
You can, homey.
All you got to do,
is do what I do.
Say what I say.
You know, like so what?
So what we get drunk?
So what we smoke weed?
So what we get high?
We don't care who see.
You got to live young,
you got to live wild,
you got to live free.
You got to do you
like I do me.
You dig?
How the fuck
did we get here?
We flew, nigga.
You ready to get some ink?
Aw, I don't know, Mac.
You said you wanted to
experience some shit, right?
But what if it hurts?
You might like that.
[ buzzing ]
Come on in, dawg.
Man, this spot is crazy.
Yes, Sir.
Now this is where
the shit goes down.
You got your sativa,
you got your indica,
and you got your hybrids
over there.
You have know idea what the fuck
I'm talking about, huh?
Don't trip.
I got exactly what you need.
Hey, ladies and gentlemen.
I am your friendly neighborhood
weed plant, Captain Kush.
That's right.
And on today's Volume One
of the Captain Kushhopedia,
we will be discussing two
different strains of marijuana.
That's right.
Cannabis Indica
and Cannabis Sativa.
Keep it locked.
Press pause
and I'm whoopin' your ass.
Ah, shit, what time is it?
Shit, I don't know.
I forgot my books at school.
I usually start my late night
study session right about now.
I usually start my late night
bong session right now.
Pull that out,
hit that shit.
A very popular strain
of the indica plant
is known as kush,
from the Hindu Kush Mountains
of Afghanistan and Pakistan.
Otherwise known as the shit
that got Bin Laden caught.
That's right.
Him and his boys
was in the mountains,
and they was shootin'
their guns, bustin' 'em off,
came up on some
of that sweet kush plant.
Smoked it, didn't know
where the fuck he was,
had a Navy Seal bullet
in his head two hours later.
All right?
You smoke it,
but don't get shot.
Light that end right there.
Now take the top off.
Oh, damn, boy.
Damn, boy.
Now if you want less
of a body high,
Captain Kush recommends
one of the sativa strains,
like Green Crack,
Skunk, Train Wreck.
Yeah, that's right.
It's more of a cerebral high.
It's less sedating,
but a good recommendation
if you want to feel medicated
throughout the day.
That's right.
Smoke all motherfuckin' day.
It's safe.
Four, three, two, one.
Shoot it.
Then you put 'em both together
and you make purple kush.
Purple kush, together.
Yeah, there you go.
As you can see,
the Cannabis Indica
is characterized
by short, blocky leaves.
Kinda like
a Mike Tyson build.
Whereas the Cannabis Sativa
is more long and narrow
like Tommy Hearns.
Yeah, man.
Yes, Sir.
We must take one big pull
from the check...
Now I use boxing analogies...
because both of them
will knock you the fuck out.
One more time.
In Volume Two
of the Kushopedia,
we will be discussing
how to properly cultivate
your green room
by supplying your plants
with all of the right nutrients.
That's right.
Mm, mm, mm.
Get high, motherfucker.
I can't go to sleep yet,
I got this new James Bond
shit right here, right?
All you gotta do
is just inhale.
Hit that shit.
Don't do nothin'
but inhale.
Hit it.
Straight THC.
Can you dig that?
Weed vaporization is
the alternative to smoking
that involves the production
of irritating,
toxic, and carcinogenic
by heating the ganja
so its active compounds
boil off into a vapor.
Boil off into a vapor?
Man, who the fuck
wrote this shit?
Fuck all that.
Look, check it out.
There's only two ways
to smoke this shit.
The right way,
and the wrong way.
And the right way is like
they say it in the Bible.
Roll that shit, light that shit,
smoke that shit.
They ain't say nothin' about
plug it up in the Bible and all,
vaporize, and make it disappear.
Come on, man.
Two more hits from the bong.
Top this shit off.
All right.
[ snoring ]
Hey, D-Street!
You want some weed?
There are niggas tryin' to stop
me from smokin' this weed.
I smoke it everywhere.
All day, everyday.
All herb..
I'm gonna go to Yale.
Smokin' all the weed.
What's up, baby girl?
I'm just lookin'
over this homework
I really need some help
You want to study with me?
That'd be nice.
I wanna go steady
Baby, would you
be my buddy?
And help me with my project
'Cause you are
who I roll with
Honestly, I know where
Take me, boo, you're
the one I wanna go with
Five days out the week
My stay's off the street
It pays to be discreet
Your fragrance is sweet
Honeydew, money due,
but this ain't 'bout no money
This is about me and you,
makin' oh, take it from me
First day of school
I'm lookin'...
Oh, Mr. Johnson.
[ bell rings ]
Hey, yo, Mac.
I know you got that fire.
Let me get some, though.
Yeah, hook it up.
I'll gladly pay you Tuesday
for the weed you give me today.
I know you got that loud, man.
You know what I'm sayin'?
Why don't you swing
some over here, bro?
Socrates said,
"I think, therefore I am".
Or some other famous
philosopher said,
"I am what I am, what I am"
"what I am".
Mind if I...
So, let me ask you something.
You mind when people
call you Knees Down?
Hell no, man.
You know how I got that name?
Jenny Billings.
Thank God you're only paralyzed
from the knees down!
You're my white bitch.
You're my little white bitch!
I gotta get out of here, man.
Thanks for the toke, though.
Yeah, man.
All good.
Your speech still sucks.
There's some dumb motherfuckers.
Look at this thing here.
Your mama shoulda aborted
that motherfucker.
What the fuck is this?
Another dumbass nigga...
Mac! What's happenin'?
Not much. What's up wit you?
Do you realize that you are
a fifteen-year senior?
Dumb as a box of rocks.
Oh, really?
Do you realize that every
morning when you come to school,
teaching the class, your breath
smells like cigarettes,
booty, and donuts?
Okay, come on,
w-w-where my shit at?
I don't want to sit and play
all day, man, come on.
Let me show you this shit.
This is that thing
that killed John Wayne.
You see that thing
right there?
Okay, come on with it.
Quit playin'.
You gonna get me fired
and you busted.
Look, don't let the wrong person
get this in their hand,
okay, Mac?
I won't, I won't, I won't.
Matter of fact, it's actually
in the wrong hands right now.
Hey, hey.
Don't play with me, boy.
Overgrown student!
[ knock on door ]
It's open.
Yo, D-Street, what you
got in the box, nigga?
Our chemistry experiment.
But bigger, I've been working on
this alternative energy source,
which if successful,
could change everything
about how we consume energy
in this country.
Shit, the world.
Well, let's change the world.
This is what we're making.
The catalytic ingredient.
I wake up early in the
morning and it feels so good
So if X equals the square
root of CQ minus 2X,
then the catalytic ingredient
should yield a brand
new energy source.
And if I plug the lamp
into there,
guess what we'll get?
You have no idea what
I'm talking about, do you?
Let me show you.
What the...?
Fuck, man.
That was very energetic.
Yeah buddy!
I'd like to welcome y'all to
the third annual Hemptethalon,
brought to you by yours truly.
Golf clap.
Golf clap.
Yes, Sir.
If you don't know,
you won't know,
you in the presence of
the two-time defending champion,
Knees Down.
I smoke weed for a living.
First event we gonna
do is called The Style.
Check this out.
Oooh, that shit weak.
[ unintelligible chatter ]
What you gonna do?
Let me show you how we do it
on the Discovery Channel.
Let me show you something.
That's some motherfuckin'
look at- Did you see that?
You like that?
It's your turn.
Represent your side.
You better come with it
'cause the homey just...
represented real tough.
Is that a gun
from Modern Warfare?
Final round.
Let me go in and lock
this shit down,
'cause I got some shit that
I know y'all can't fuck with.
Check this out.
Oh, shit.
Is that- is that Casper?
Yes, Sir.
We got this covered.
Watch this.
You guys about
to lose right now.
You ain't ready!
She tooted and pooted.
I ain't here to blow
none of that shit.
You can have
that motherfucker.
And that, all of that shit.
Put that down here.
Oh, wow.
You did that, my nig.
You did that.
D-Street, man, I don't know
why we spendin' all this time
tryin' to find a-
a renewal energy source
when the greatest
renewable energy source
has already been created.
Yeah, well what's that?
When you wake up in the morning,
what you think about?
When you're makin' some money,
what you go out and spend it on?
Well I know if we get
this catalytic ingredient,
you know what we gonna
be getting a lot of?
I think I know what you need.
I like your friend, Big Mac.
He's cute.
Lay back, baby.
Yo, Mac.
I feel crazy.
Hold this.
Shoot it up a little bit more.
Add a little more power
to the woo-wa.
so what mixture is this?
This is that medicinal
mixed with the medical.
You know what I'm talking
about? That space-age shit.
Which one's the medicinal,
and which one's the medical?
Well, in a terminology that
most doctors can understand,
this right here is the medical.
And this right here
is the medicinal.
And that's what gives
it that superfragilistic,
you know, next level high.
You know, that other
extreme uh, uh, uh,
orbited, Saturn,
you know, Pluto...
I think it's me allowing myself
to become intergalactic
and with the planetary
pleasure principle
of the dedication
of the inauguration.
Also, about the segregation of
the cultivation of everything.
Like, I'm like,
you know,
I feel like I'm like
Captain Kirk, right?
And I feel like,
like Doctor Spock.
And this bitch right here
is like Darth Vader.
Fuckin' bitch.
Is that the bitch
paging you again?
That's the bitch, again, man.
This is what I want to do.
I want us to go to another
planet called Pimpatarium.
And once we go there,
hand me the telephone,
and let me tell you how
I would address the bitch.
Oh, shit.
Yeah, bitch.
Where's my money, bitch.
No, bitch.
Hi, bitch.
Bye, bitch.
And in case you didn't get it,
let me text it to you bitch.
Why can't I just say
stuff like that, man?
Hi, bitch.
Bye, bitch.
No, bitch.
Bitch, bitch, bitch.
I just saved bitch
in there as one button.
One touch.
[ knock on door ]
What the hell
is going on in here?
Oh my God, these aren't
real, are they?
How did you even find me,
I tracked your phone
using the "Find Me" app.
Is this man holding
you against your will?
Have you been drugged?
Oh, you better believe it.
He drugged like a motherfucker.
I'm calling my daddy.
Chill the fuck out.
I am warning you,
Devin Overstreet,
your very future
hangs in the balance!
You come with me right now.
I'll count to five.
two, three, four, five.
Now get your punk ass out
of here before I break a bitch.
I know, D-Street.
Puppy love.
That shit hurt.
Man, let's go get some bitches.
Man, Mac,
where are you taking me?
You said you
wanted some, right?
Yeah, but,
not in no shady alley.
Can I help you?
Uh, can we speak
with mamasan?
What you want?
I'm trying to get my boy hooked
up with some of that good, good.
How much you have?
It depends on what he gets.
Oh, you- you just
talking about him?
What about for you?
Are you gay?
Look, baby, I love women.
I just don't pay for pussy.
I don't pay for pussy either.
What you mean you no pay
for the pussy?
Everybody pay for the pussy.
Pussy make the world go round.
I got three-fifty on it.
Okay, what kind of girl
you like?
I'm not really sure.
Come, I just give you
white girl.
USDA approved, no MSG, okay?
Take care of him.
Go, go, go.
And you?
You pay for your friend,
the pussy?
But you no get
no pussy for you?
I give you what you like.
I break your ball
into eight pieces.
They let you smoke
on the job?
That's a damn shame.
You know?
Now that's what
I'm talkin' about.
You know what
I'm sayin'?
I got a confession though.
What's up?
That was my first time.
With a masseuse?
Nah, with a vagina.
Ashley's like saving herself
for marriage,
so I only get to fuck her
in the ass.
Nigga, what?
Fuck that.
Let's celebrate.
I am running
a legitimate business.
Tough break, rook.
I guess that's what
you get for going out
for a little late night
beef jerky.
I got more than that.
Ah, that's good.
I'll keep that in mind
when I write up my report.
Hey, what's happening?
What y'all up in here for?
Weed? Nigga,
weed ain't even a case
four or five
of them motherfuckers.
They're gonna throw
that shit right on out.
Time to get straight.
So, which one of y'all I get
to fuck in the ass first?
Y'all need
to make up your mind,
'cause uh,
I got plenty of time.
Now D, man, now you need
to chill out, man.
Calm down.
Man, I am down.
Like rock bottom down.
I gave my virginity
to a stripper,
got thrown in jail.
Man, I ruined my life.
Well, technically you gave your
virginity to Ashley's a-piece.
Yeah, I might not
have been cool before,
but at least I had a future.
I ain't tryin'
to end up like you.
Fifteen years
of high school?
Fuck that.
You made bail.
So that's how it is?
I guess it's like that.
Nigga, you ain't fuckin' shit.
Ain't that some shit!
Man, Mac just spent three
hundred and fifty dollars
gettin' this nigga
a fine piece of pussy,
and he gonna turn his back
on him just like that?
Man, this got me
fucked up right now.
Come on, fellas,
tighten up, man. Damn.
[ bell rings ]
I know, you're sorry.
And yes, I forgive you.
Our future is still intact.
My dad has an old
fraternity brother
who golfs with the mayor
who called the D.A.
who agreed
to drop the charges.
Membership in Club Ashley
has its privileges.
Yeah, but what about Mac?
Well, that's the best part.
He's gonna take the fall.
He tried to ruin
your life, right?
It's not like he tried
to force me to do anything.
I did it--
By the way, somebody's
gonna get some if he's lucky.
We'll have the same guilt-free
fun without all the mess.
Hey, babies.
Hola, papi.
First of all, I want to thank
y'all for rescuing my ass.
No problem.
Hey, you know I'm gonna
pay you back.
Why don't we go
back to my place
and you can
pay me back right now?
Baby, right now,
I'm currently a one-ho-bro.
Who am I supposed to do
in the meantime?
I don't know.
What about her?
[ mumbles ]
Wait a minute.
Oh shit!
And next up to present
their final project
are Devin and Mac.
Actually, I'm going
to be doing this one solo.
Well I- I've been trying
to develop an alternative fuel
from a mix of all
natural substances,
but the mix
was highly volatile
and we couldn't find a catalyst
to help stabilize the compound
and supercharge the fuel.
Uh, I'm sorry.
What was this magical catalyst?
Isn't that the main
chemical in...
Marijuana, motherfucker.
Also known as THC.
Now what I did was
I cross-pollinated
genetically superior weed
to create a master weed
with properties
never before
enjoyed by mankind.
Now check this out.
And you do know that.
That was good.
[ cheering ]
This is only
the beginning, people.
Can we turn on a light bulb
using cannabis?
Yes we can.
Where does the future lie?
No more gas-powered cars?
Let's make them
Can we do that?
Yes we can.
If we start now, we can build
the world's first weed-powered
rocket ship that flies
to the moon.
Yes we can.
Hemp-powered computer chips,
a hemp-island that's
free of pollution,
a hoverboard made with a bunch
of light and fluffy sativa nubs.
Can we create a greener
world using maryjane?
Yes we can.
Today, right now, Yes we can!
Yes we can!
Yes we can!
Mac, wait.
One more test.
Well you better get ready,
'cause I'm taking you out.
You pass that test,
and we are definitely
staying in.
I can dig that.
Some of you kids' breath
smells like adult toys.
You knew it was test time.
Some of you females
is dumb in here.
And you my OG senior friend...
I know you're gonna
flunk the test.
Excuse me, Mr. Armstrong.
Mr. Skinnfloot.
It's come to my attention
that one of your students
might have gotten his hands
on a copy of your test.
The student in question
is Mr. Johnson.
No, Mr. Johnson!
Ah, no, that's bullshit.
An elegant defense.
But I'm afraid you'll have
to prove your innocence
by taking a test administered
by yours truly.
Mr. Skinnfloot,
are you really qualified
to do such a thing?
My number one love in life,
after the trimming
of beautiful bonsai trees,
is the art of mathematics.
Simply solve this little
equation and you graduate.
For the past fifteen years
you have made a mockery
of the very educational system
I've sworn to protect.
And because you've
made my life hell
with your marijuana
related hijinks.
But most of all,
the reason I'm doing this
is so I can fill Miss Huck
with my man seed.
Y is the answer.
is correct.
Now give me my diploma, bitch.
Can you believe it?
Mac is finally gonna graduate
after fifteen years
of high school.
And you know what that mean.
Miss Huck can finally get it.
Devin got his speech ready
and he's still lettin' that same
punk-ass girlfriend hang around.
Well, I guess she was good
for something.
Because Yale is in the house.
Go on and do your Ivy League
thing, D-Street.
Wish more brothers could.
Shit, I wish more
brothers would.
Point is, we all gotta
move on at some point.
So, sit back
and enjoy the celebration.
The scholarship guy from Yale
is here with my dad.
They're excited
for your speech.
As is the tradition here
at N. Hale High,
we begin our commencement
with a speech
from our Valedictorian,
Devin Overstreet.
High school.
It's the best of times,
it's the worst of times.
I vast in the moment.
I wish I could do that.
You can, homey.
Well actually, this is something
a friend of mine taught me.
And him, more than
anybody I know,
really loved high school.
So what we get drunk
So what we smoke weed
We're just havin' fun
We don't care who sees
So what we go out
That's how
it's supposed to be
Living young and wild
and free
D-Street, you rock!
Whoo, I want your cock!
So what we get drunk
So what we smoke weed
We're just havin' fun
We don't care who sees
So what we go out
Hey, let me get a lighter.
'Cause you know I'm high
as fuck and I forgot one.
Keep that in there.
So what, I keep a rolled up
sack in my pants
Not carin' what I show,
keep it real with my niggas
Keep a player for these hos
And look clean, I done
washed it the other day,
watch how you lean on it
Give me some
five-oh-one jeans,
I'm gonna roll joints bigger
than King Kong's, bangers
and smokin' hos down
to their stingers
You a class clown
And if I skip for
that day with your bitch
smokin' Grade A
So what we get drunk
So what we smoke weed
We're just havin' fun
We don't care who sees
So what we go out
That's how
it's supposed to be
Livin' young and wild
and free
Now it's time for
my valedictorian speech.
Y'all ready?
So many people in the world
still look down on marijuana.
What a shame.
No matter what field you in,
be it creative,
blue or white collar,
there are a lot
of genius motherfuckers
that puff herb on the regular.
So does that make
your dumber, slower?
Hell fuckin' no.
It opens up your mind
to new ideas.
Some cool song lyrics maybe,
a new invention,
a simple trick to solving
a difficult math problem,
or something simple as,
hey, I bet it'd taste good
if I put some crunched up bacon
in that waffle batter.
Call marijuana a drug
all you want.
Shun it all you want.
Be closed-minded.
Think I care?
I pity ya.
We have a safe way to relax,
expand, grow our minds,
and all from a beautiful
wonderful smelling plant
that grows on this earth.
Look how it connected
Mac and Devin.
If it made two people as
different as that become homeys,
shit, nigga, we can do
any motherfuckin' thing.
And speakin' of Mac and Devin,
ain't no tellin' what
they gonna get into next.
And I for one,
sure can't wait to find out.
So until next time, whenever
you feel pressured in life,
and when you're goin'
through hard times
and you need
a common denominator
to mellow everything out,
don't forget these words
of advice
from your good buddy,
Slow Burn.
Break it down, roll it up,
light it up,
and smoke weed, motherfucker!
Livin' young and wild
and free
You know what
It's like I'm seventeen again,
peach fuzz on my face
Lookin' on the case tryin'
to find a hella taste
Oh my god
I'm on the chase
Chevy, is getting'
kinda heavy,
Relevant, sellin' it,
dippin' away,
time keeps slippin' away,
zippin' the safe,
flippin' for pay
Tippin' like I'm drippin'
in paint
Up front, four blunts,
Khalifa put the weed in a J
So what we get drunk
So what we smoke weed
We're just havin' fun
We don't care who sees
So what we go out
That's how
it's supposed to be
Living young and wild
and free
Roll one, smoke one,
when you live like this,
you're supposed to party
Roll one, smoke one,
and we all just havin' fun
So we just roll one,
smoke one,
when you live like this
you're supposed to party
Roll one, smoke one,
and we all just havin' fun
So what we get drunk
So what we smoke weed
We're just havin' fun
We don't care who sees
So what we go out
That's how
it's supposed to be
Living young and wild
and free
So what we get drunk
So what we smoke weed
We're just havin' fun
We don't care who sees
So what we go out
That's how
it's supposed to be
Living young and wild
and free
High school, man.
Hey, Wiz, I'm gonna get with
you at third period tomorrow.
[ cheering ]
I own this pussy.
You can't handle
all this dick.
You can't handle it.
Knees Down!
Have a little party
at my crib
And all the weed is rolled
that's how it is
When you fucking
with some OG niggas
Blowing OG smoke
Don't even gotta ask,
you already know
We 'bout to go
Have a little party
at my crib
And all the weed is rolled
that's how it is
When you fucking
with some OG niggas
Blowing OG smoke
Don't even gotta ask,
you already know
We 'bout to go
Young nigga
that's more famous
than these older niggas
Young nigga got my game up
from these older niggas
Motherfuckas hear my name,
I say I told you nigga
I was taught to count my
paper 'fore I told it nigga
Now look at my chains,
all them things frozen nigga
Rolling up my Mary Jane
before I smoke it wit ya
Hit this J, I bet this be
a day you don't remember
Looking at the top and
I don't see not one condenter
Cooking out the pot, I like
my weed for lunch and dinner
Got some cookies in the jar,
OG in the blender
You paying for quantity, but
quality is what you spend for
If there's a marijuana-ology,
I'll be your mentor
And all about this chronic
leaf is what you in for
So give your parents my
apology for me again or..
I just did my first
motherfuckin' scene ever,
ever acting in history.
I just did it, so...
That nigga, the way he's
handlin' that shit, nigga.
That nigga got Golden Globe.
Nigga, watch.
We gonna work with it, man.
And if I start to suck,
just let me know.
Just be like, you suck.
You're horrible.
Get real, you're terrible.
And the Golden Globe
for best new actor...
Wiz Khalifa...
I knew it'd be big,
but I've never seen
anything this big.
Oh, baby, just put it
in your mouth.
It's a new black blunt I got.
I feel you, 'cause
it's a white blunt.
It's a long, fat, hot,
steamy, juicy, succulent...
I can't fit it
all in my mouth.
Yes you can, baby.
Nice and... Go aaaah.
You're a grown ass nigga
still in school.
That's how I really was,
for real.
I flunked twice.
How old was you
when you graduated?
I didn't graduate.
I just dropped the fuck out.
When I seen my little brother
in the classroom with me,
I was like, I'm gone.
Fuck that.
How you work this?
Just push the button--
Don't, it's already down.
All you do is hit, hit it.
Try it right now.
And this go in here?
Oh, wow.
You ain't got to do nothin'
but just hit it, huh?
That's- that's straight dope
right there, though.
That's cool, right?
That aint' got no cut on it.
That's straight uncut.
You can taste the THC
and everything.
That's why it's a vaporizer.
Oh, wow.
It has everything.
What's up, yo?
Where the bitches at?
They're in my pee pee hole.
Let's go, let's do it!
Knees Down is a kid
in a wheelchair
that fucks a lot of hot bitches.
'Cause he has a big dick.
I got hydraulics.
Flippin' switches,
flippin switches,
flippin' switches.
I'm having trouble with
this word right here,
I can't seem to pronounce,
announciate it right.
So, if it's T-E-T,
that's tet.
Uh-huh, tet.
And then R-A-H
is rah.
No. Rah.
So then, tet-rah.
Hydro. You know that.
Yeah. Tet-
I know that word.
So, tetrahydrocannabino.
Yes, Mr. Johnson.
He's so smart.
He's gonna fuckin' graduate.
I mean, freakin' graduate.
Thank you.
Remember that?
What was that,
the big bad wolf?
Wow, what big eyes you have.
Yeah. The better to see this
thing I'm gonna put on you.
Oh Pippen, you sure
got long nails.
The better to backslap you with.
Oh, Pippen, you sure got
a lot of hair fallin' down.
Yeah, bitch, 'cause this
is really, really, really
pimpin' on a bitch.
All right, good!
Is that what
you wanted to do?
God, damn.
I'm pretty sure
that's what he wanted.
See? That's a real
actor for you.
Try-try to keep your head up
so we can see your face.
'Cause the comedy's in your
reactions to like, you know...
No, the comedy
was she did that,
now we're good,
and you got it,
and you're tryin' to make her
do it all over again.
I just want to see you
distressed, you know?
You couldn't feel
my distress?
You want to see it, huh?
Okay, I got you.
I'm a actor.
Yes, you are.
You didn't ask uh,
Lawrence of Olivier
this shit when he was
shootin' his scene
on the mountaintop and he had
to stand up there for four hours
and do this shit over and over.
You didn't say, Lawrence,
how you feel?
You just said, action,
and Lawrence delivered
his lines.
Yeah, we liked him.
But get rid
of this motherfucker.
Let me tell you
something, nigga.
We dealin' with
some real niggas,
we don't deal with
all that shit,
script supervisor,
or continuity.
We may or we may not.
What the fuck are
you talking about?
[ beat playing ]
Turkey bacon,
smellin' bitches
Turkey bacon,
smellin' bitches
Turkey bacon,
smellin' bitches
Turkey bacon,
smellin' bitches
Turkey bacon,
smellin' bitches
Turkey bacon,
smellin' bitches
Turkey bacon
Turkey bacon
Turkey bacon
Turkey bacon
Raisin toast
Raisin toast
Turkey bacon
Turkey bacon
Turkey bacon,
turkey bacon,
turkey bacon,
turkey bacon,
turkey bacon, turkey bacon,
smellin' bitches
Turkey bacon,
smellin' bitches
Every day I'm faded
Trees prepared
and properly cultivated
I nurse, I spray em' down,
no chemicals
Just me and my buddy
You hear me now?
Never treat you wrong
To each his own
Snoop and Wiz
The new Cheech and Chong
We do, we do, we do.
'Cause we smoke
And we blow
And you know
Here we go
I'm smoking everywhere I go
No stick, no seeds,
just Al Green
I always gotta
keep one rolled
I keep that,
need that, got that
I'm rolling
every gram I own
That purp, that bomb,
that kush
Don't gotta understand,
they know
I smoke that, fire that,
good that good that
everyday I'm faded
Tree's prepared
and properly cultivated
I nursed 'em, sprayed down,
no chemicals
Just me and my buddy,
ya hear me now
Never treat ya wrong,
to each his own
Snoop and Wiz
the new Cheech and Chong
We up in smoke,
making street schemes
Wiz, do you remember the first
time you heard a Snoop song?
I remember I was
in preschool,
and my mom had one of them
ghetto-ass homegirls.
And uh...
They love you.
And it was when Doggy Style
first came out.
I was like, oh man,
what is this?
Like, it sounded
so crazy to me.
High school nigga what
the fuck you think
I'm passing all my classes
with flying colors
And everyday I'm high
as a motherfucker
When was the first time
you heard Wiz?
The song I love,
but now I know I ain't
livin' right,
but it feels good.
I'm like, oh, that's pimpin',
you know what I'm sayin'?
Like the way he was
in pocket in there.
My oldest son was playing it,
so you know,
he pulled me to the side
and was like, Pops,
you need to get with him.
'Cause he's the one,
not the two.
Sun roof open,
smoking while I'm rolling
My bitches only notice
it if its potent
Bottle of Perignon,
we can go kick it by the ocean
Get in between your legs
Join roaches and ashes
all in your bed
You calling her babe,
she calling me instead
Cause I put that game
all in her head
She saw the crib,
she know that I'm balling
When he ain't have nothing
he used to stall em
Now I'm with the Boss Dogg,
all the bad hos want him
And my pockets on swole,
I'm talking Rick Ross big
And now when we shop we don't
care what the cost is
Rolling up good,
smoking that bomb shit
Blow a whole OZ,
nigga that's boss shit
Now she all fuck her man,
rubber bands in my pocket
Getting money,
going hard for my profit
Bad bitch keep the joint
stuffed like stockings
Come on, ya'll
I'm smokin'
everywhere I go
Is that the level
of excellence,
the course that
you guys are reaching for?
Yeah, absolutely.
Snoop's a legend, man, and uh,
he's been doing it forever.
And I also told him,
one of greatest things
I look up to him is for
his longevity in the game.
He's still right out
here with all of us.
You know what I'm saying?
I smoke that,
fire that good that,
We welcome
you to high school
We do just what we like to
We cordially invite you
Now roll up
and get high to it
We welcome you
to high school
We do just like we like to
We cordially invite you
Now roll up
and get high to it
Get high to it
I'm smoking
everywhere I go
No stick, no seeds,
just Al Green
You know, I feel like we,
like Wiz is like my brother
from another mother.
You know what I'm saying?
We- we equal,
we eye to eye
because we do everything
the same way.
It's like, if I could,
you know, die and come back,
I'd come back as Wiz Khalifa.
Can you believe that?
Wow. Wow.
I smoke that, fire that,
good that good that
I always gotta
keep one rolled.
I always looked up to him.
And when I found out he was
a fan and embraced what I do,
you know,
it really just gave me
that go hard and that motivation
to keep doing what I'm doing.
As well as, you know,
he's the dopest there ever is
and ever will be.
And I'm kinda tight, too,
so we might as well just give
that to people, you know?
No stick, no seeds,
just Al Green
I always gotta
keep one rolled
I keep that, need that,
got that
Between me and you,
we got that bitch.
That's a- a serious XM hit.
Oh, man.
I smoke that, fire that,
good that good that
[ cheering ]