Mark and Russell's Wild Ride (2015) Movie Script
1
( Exhales )
Okay, okay, okay.
Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine.
- ( Exhales )
- Ahem.
First time taking the test?
Uh...
Excellent stop, young man.
Though you might want
to pull up a little.
( Car alarm blares )
We can just go, right?
That's my car.
Easy now. You should be at least
one full car length behind...
( brakes screech )
It could've been worse.
And now it's worse.
( Siren wailing )
So emergency vehicles
have the right of way,
but it's not right
to turn right when
it's no right on red. Right?
I'm only here to observe.
( Wordless groaning )
Relax.
You're gonna do just fine.
See? Fine.
Thank you.
Squirrel! Squirrel!
Points for not killin' it?
( Horn blares )
Was I a terrible person
in a past life?
The past five lives?
Would you snap out of it?
It's gonna be a wonderful day.
Who fails anything five times?
I failed to ride the El
Diablo coaster five times,
'cause I'm still shorter than the
"you must be this tall" hand.
Does that stop me from hanging
upside down every morning?
Mm-mm. I've grown
a twelfth of an inch.
And change.
( Snorting laughter )
Hey! That's one.
You don't get two.
Okay. All right.
That license was
the key to everything.
It's the age-old equation.
License plus girls
suddenly noticing you,
multiplied by
ultra-hip parties,
divided by
a sensible new haircut,
equals popularity to
the power of infinity.
The ultimate cool-gorithm.
But that dream is dead
now, Russell.
They're gonna call me
"Five-Time Failure,"
which as far as nicknames go,
doesn't have that much teeth,
but it still hurts.
I'd take that over Smallest
Kid In the World any day.
And at least we're still a notch
above Space Helmet and Booger Tom.
You wanna come over
after school?
My mom makes homemade coleslaw.
Just him thinking that
we'd accept that invitation
- shows how close we are to rock bottom.
- Duly noted.
Well, on the plus side, at least
we do have chem lab today.
I feel like that's really more of
a plus for you than it is for me.
What can I say?
I love science.
Wow. Just wow.
The way you handle that beaker.
You remind me of
a young Marie Curie.
Didn't she die of
radiation poisoning?
I'm pretty sure I said young.
Oh, thank you for saving
my butt, Mark.
I'm so lucky we became
lab partners this year.
Are you kidding?
I'm the lucky one.
If it wasn't for you, I'd be
stuck with Cheese Hands Tony.
Ugh. This school's so harsh
with nicknames.
I know.
What's your nickname again?
Nice Teeth Ashley.
- That's brutal.
- ( Both laugh )
So...
What are you doing this Sunday?
Sittin' around. Maybe my
house, maybe Russell's. Why?
Well, Monica Delmonico's
having a pool party...
Okay, all right.
I think I know where
you're goin' with this, Ashley.
The best dish to bring to a pool
party is cold noodle salad.
Or so I have read.
I was actually wondering
if you wanted to take me
to the party.
I mean, you just took
your license test, right?
Yes. It's true.
Then you can pick me up.
We'll go together.
Yeah. Together.
Great. See you at noon.
- Oh, and bring that, uh...
- Cold noodle salad?
Perfect. I'm gonna be
bringing cupcakes
from my aunt's bakery.
Love Crumbs.
You can totally taste the love.
Bye.
Did that just happen?
Did the girl that
I've been crushing on
since kindergarten
just ask me out?
It's like you just leveled up
right in front of me.
You'll sneak me in through the
back gate or doggy door, right?
Yeah, dude, yeah.
Just gonna drive on
over, pick her up,
I'll carry you in
in my towel bag,
and... what?
I don't wanna say it.
Oh.
Pick her up.
That's not possible,
because of the failures.
Because of the horrible,
choking failures.
- ( Hyperventilating )
- Don't spin out on me now.
The worst thing we can do
is lose our focus.
( Liquid splashing )
Uh, I hope that's the base
and not the acid.
( Sizzling sound )
Nope. Dwayne, please escort me
to the eyewash station.
I've checked this DMV
and that DMV.
I'm not finding
any appointments.
Why are there no appointments?
Keep searching.
Look around you, Russell.
Look where we are.
Bus pick-up.
Where cool comes to die.
Okay, okay, okay.
Today is Friday.
The party is Sunday.
I have to get
my license tomorrow.
( Sighs ) Ashley
Pinafore is a rope
that has been tossed
down to us by destiny.
Climb that rope right on
up to popularity nirvana.
Toss that rope
back down to you,
and pull ourselves up from
this horror show
to a cool new world.
One with parties
and lake trips.
And sparkling cider brunches.
Really? That's what
cool is to you?
Have you ever been to one?
They are lovely.
Okay, well, either way, none of that
is happening without my license.
No license, no Ashley.
No Ashley, no pool party,
and no pool party...
Has anybody seen
my medicated lip balm?
We're lookin' at
Booger Tom and Space Helmet
to throw us a rope.
A booger-covered rope.
( Horn honks )
Who am I kidding?
Finding an appointment
is the least of our worries.
Even if I get one,
I'm just gonna turn into
a quivering mess
like the last five times.
Daddy needs a sure thing!
Then you're gonna
wanna see this.
Ninety-two percent. 92!
Can you even comprehend
what that means?
Okay, this driving instructor,
this beautiful Glenn Bufferton,
passes over 92%
of all of his testees.
Listen to these comments.
"Pushover. A gimme. It's like
he wasn't even in the car."
Honey, you can't shop for driving
instructors on the internet
like printer cartridges.
Check this out.
Favorite movie:
Whatever you're watching.
Political views:
Whoever you're into.
Religion:
Don't wanna offend anyone.
This guy clearly just
wants to be liked.
It's a virtual lock.
He is the Heimlich maneuver
for my choking.
And all it takes is
a 51-mile drive to the DMV.
Oh, yeah.
Who's with me?
Son, you need to take
a step back.
Quite frankly, your mother
and I are worried
that you may be on the verge
of a mental breakdown.
I'm beggin' you.
What could be more important than the hopes
and dreams of your precious baby boy?
Uh, an all-day flea market,
that's what.
Over ten acres of bargains.
Mm-hmm. And they've
got churros.
This is a once-in-a-lifetime
opportunity.
He's all booked up.
It needs to be tomorrow.
Now, Mark, this is
the exact opposite way
of getting me
to agree with you.
I know it is. I just...
I don't think
that you're grasping
the Ashley Pinafore of it all.
Pinafore Schminafore.
Now you listen to me.
You are the coolest cat
in this household.
If your friends don't
know that by now,
the heck with them.
It's their loss.
Your mom can drive you
to the party.
I'll even make my noodle salad.
Oh, we can invite Ashley over
to play Crazy Eights after.
Fun!
( laughing )
And that's why Mark
sucked his thumb till he was 12.
Don't forget your nose plugs.
( Shrieking )
( cell phone rings )
RUSSELL: You okay, pal?
I thought I heard
someone screaming.
- I'm fine.
- Are you sure?
'Cause it was high-pitched.
Like a really feminine
howler monkey.
I'm fine.
Are you?
Why aren't you wearing
your night guard?
I should probably come over.
So you're not gonna
drive a car any time soon.
So what?
There are plenty of things
you can drive without a license.
Bumper cars. Lawn mowers.
Those tiny carts
that drive old people
to their gates at the airport.
I know your heart's
in the right place, Russell,
but everything you're saying
is making me feel way worse.
You're right.
We're young, it's Saturday.
Let's get an early start
on our homework.
This was a once-in-a-lifetime
opportunity,
and I bungled it.
I bungled it!
So be a man.
Tell Ashley you lied.
You were desperate
to be around her,
so you would've said
or done anything.
Sure, 'cause girls love
a desperate, lying fraidy-cat.
Face it, Russell.
We're stuck...
with boring old regular Mark.
Unwanted, unloved,
and unable to pull the car
out of the driveway
without parental supervision.
Mark, you're scaring me.
Well, that's our future.
My neighbor Don can't
drive me to the DMV
because of that "suspicious
mole." Hope he's okay.
A cab costs $137 one way.
I guess we could call
Booger Tom's mom.
You think that car
has boogers in it?
Their everything
has boogers in it.
Unless you know
a licensed driver
who's willing to ride with
us halfway across the state,
no questions asked,
I just don't know.
Let go of the walker, Grandpa.
I'll put it in the trunk.
I'm not goin' in the trunk.
No one said you were, Grandpa.
We love you.
There.
Now have some fauxgurt.
He loves those
Happy Scratchers.
Never wins, but he loves 'em.
So are we even sure
this is legal?
Issued by the state
of North Dakota in 1949,
but technically, still valid.
As long as you've
got your learner's permit,
he's the perfect chaperone.
Legal and forgetful.
Plus we can use his senior
citizen discount at rest stops.
I like where your head's at.
You don't get bumped up
a grade for nothing.
Here you go.
( Loudly )
We'll be back in 30 minutes.
Is that when the movie starts?
Sure.
We may have to stop at
the movies on the way back home.
This is the one, Russell.
Magic number six.
I may not say it enough, buddy,
but you are
a terrific sidekick.
Funny. I always thought
of you as the sidekick.
Hmm. I'm the one on the quest.
Or are you a side quest
to my much grander quest
whose true meaning
has yet to reveal itself?
Sounds like something
a sidekick would say.
Said the sidekick.
( Cell phone beeps )
It's Ashley.
It's our first text.
She wants to know if
I can also take.
- Harper Blanc to the pool party.
- Harper Blanc.
Harper Blanc who smells
like peaches Harper Blanc?
That's the one.
I'm texting no.
No!
Don't you realize, one
popular girl begets another?
You're trending, Mark.
You're trending.
Yeah? But if I choke this time,
the only thing trending
will be my humiliation.
I hate to be a nudge,
but I think you just
leap-frogged us.
I think you're mistaken.
I really hate to invoke
the no-cutsies rule...
And I'd hate to invoke
the four witnesses behind you
to reach down your throat
and pull your underwear
out your mouth.
Say hello to the Brothers Nico.
Hey, meatheads,
back off my friend.
Or maybe you're not
attached to your teeth.
Metaphorically.
I know your teeth are physically
rooted in your gums...
You know what?
You get my point.
You got a big mouth, inchworm.
Yeah? Well, you got
one big eyebrow.
Now apologize
to my scared friend.
Don't play the hero, tiny.
Yeah, don't play
the hero, tiny.
( Sound of whip cracking )
See, even they know
you're the sidekick.
Sorry. Were you the one just
standing up to the villain?
Seriously?
At the DMV?
Let's not be those people.
Don't tell me
what to do, Angela.
Oh, don't tell me,
don't tell me what to do.
BOY: Don't tell me,
don't tell me
don't tell me what to do.
Wait, what?
You need to fill out a form.
Whoa.
Not my first rodeo.
Okay, okay.
Just relax.
Just find your bliss.
( Waves crashing,
seagulls cawing )
Russell, put that down.
I do not need your relaxing
Sounds of Nature app right now.
You need to stay loose.
We've got Mr. 92% on our side.
Your streak of failure
ends today.
The internet's lied before.
Like remember those ancient
Chinese growth pills you ordered?
They were neither ancient
nor Chinese nor pills.
I grew a quarter of an inch.
I know you did, buddy.
The point is, how do we know
this Glenn Bufferton
didn't just write
all those reviews himself?
How do we know he's not
too good to be true?
- ( Door opens )
- ( Groans )
Okay, let's get those hands
at 10 and 2.
Or, you know,
whatever you want.
I already get the sense
you know what you're doing.
Mint?
Looks like we've got
a natural on our hands.
So, any fun plans
once you get your...
( loud thump )
Uh... please, sir. I...
( stammering )
I didn't mean to...
No excuses.
That was clearly a pothole.
I'm sorry.
The city should've
fixed that by now,
and I apologize
on their behalf.
Well, looks like I've seen
everything I need to see.
All we have left is
the formality of paperwork.
Congratulations, Mark.
- You've got your li...
- ( Goofy horn ringtone plays )
Go for Glenn.
I'm sorry that
it bothers you, honey,
but that's the way
I like to answer the phone.
( All chuckling )
Leaving? That's
a bit of an over-reaction.
Karen, calm down.
Karen, please. Karen, no!
Karen!
Pull over up here.
Sir, that's a tow-away zone.
Who are you, the mayor?
Pull over!
I'm not the mayor.
Okay. All right.
So there it is. Okay.
Whoa. ( Laughs )
Why is it so hot in here?
If you want, I can
turn on the air con...
ditioning.
I can't breathe.
The car is so small.
Why is the car so small?
( Shivering )
It's so cold in here.
Should I go get your tie?
Pull out, merge into traffic,
take your first right,
and your third left.
Why aren't we moving?!
Come on, come on,
pick up the pace.
You know you can get a ticket
for going too slow, right?
As soon as we cross Elm,
take a left
over the first lawn you see.
I don't think this is
a driving test anymore.
Well done. You see how
giving it some gas
helped you fly over that curb?
Thank you?
- Doodlebear.
- You're too late, Glenn. I'm leaving.
There's no more spark.
No spark.
But we went to the House of
Spaghetti last night.
I've seen enough
daytime television
to know this isn't gonna
end well. Let's go.
No way, dude.
I got this test aced.
This isn't a test anymore.
It's something different.
Something darker.
Well, excuse me if I'm not comfortable
picking out my belly button lint.
Nature puts it there
for a reason.
See? They're just
sortin' stuff out.
We just need to let this
dust-up run its course,
and we'll be back at
the DMV, license in hand.
Plus this is really
none of our business.
Mitch, short guy, settle
an argument for me. Come on.
Now it's our business.
Mitch, you've spent
enough time with me
to know that
I'm a level-headed guy, right?
Tell me something, Mitch.
How would you feel
if your husband fell short
of every expectation?
Uh...
My name's Mark.
Wow! I didn't figure you
for a quitter, Karen.
Well, you didn't have to
sleep next to a night farter
for the last five years.
I have trouble
digesting lactose.
You know where would be a really
good place to work this out?
Back at the DMV.
You can't just
pick up and leave.
You are my sun, my moon.
My sunny moon.
There must be
something I can do.
Classic Glenn. Big on promises,
short on follow-through.
You said you'd pick up
the dry cleaning,
and that was weeks ago.
Well, it's a tad
out of the way.
But if that settles it,
I'll pick it up today.
We could get it on
the way back to the DMV.
You also promised to
pick up our nephew
- at karate class.
- That's today.
Good-bye, Glenn.
Maybe we can get a new driving
instructor on grounds of insanity.
Fellas, come over here
and use your bodies
to block this taxi
so she can't leave.
Okay, Russell, please.
Our quest stands
on the edge of a knife.
If we go limp,
it'll only hurt a little.
That's just bad science.
Let's go before
things get worse.
( Tires screeching )
I give you worse.
This guy failed me after
you cut me off back there.
You cost me
my license, forehead.
That's right, you better run.
He said I have road rage.
Now I'm gonna road rage
all over your face.
What's wrong with my forehead?
I'm not going
anywhere, sunny moon.
You're just gonna
have to run me over.
Point Karen.
Hang tight.
I'll be back with
my multi-purpose hatchet
whose many purposes
you'll soon discover.
Ashley's overrated, right?
- Let me in.
- ( Both screaming )
Follow that cab.
How am I doing, sir? I don't
wanna break the speed limit
in front of
my driving instructor.
Here's an instruction.
Stop driving like
a little baby and gas it,
'cause we're actually
being passed by a little baby.
Still, I think
we lost Road Rage.
Or he's right behind us.
( Heavy metal music plays )
- They're gaining!
- I can see that in my side mirror, Russell,
where objects are
closer than they appear,
as any seasoned driver
should know.
KAREN: Please leave
a message, unless you're Glenn.
Oh, you can turn off
your phone, Karen,
but you cannot turn off my heart,
no matter how hard you try.
Look, her cab is taking a right on Delgado.
Push, Mitch, push.
Mitch, Mark. Either one
would look really good
on a shiny new
driver's license.
If this maniac
comes any closer,
he'll be in the backseat,
and I'm in the backseat!
Okay, you're going to
engage your left signal,
- but you are going to turn right.
- What?
You heard me.
Oh, Mr. Bufferton, please.
Is now a bad time
to request a bathroom break?
BOTH: Yes!
Ah, the bus terminal,
where we had our first date.
And there she is, pulling up!
Quick, there's a spot
right there. Park.
Park like the wind.
Parallel park? It's just like
my second failure.
For the love of Pete,
just pull up there already.
I am losing her!
I did it.
Give me a thumbs up.
This is a moment
you'll wanna remember.
I'm stuck.
You have a window, too.
( Horn beeps )
Doodlebear!
Doodlebear!
Tilt your head to the left.
I wanna catch
this midday light.
Doodlebear, where are you?
Doodlebear!
Don't just stand there.
Find the man's Doodlebear.
GLENN: Steubensville?
Steubensville?
Sweet gherkin, why?
Maybe she's going
bird watching.
There's some amazing
conservation land out there.
Knobbler's Field,
it's a bird watcher's paradise.
And the Dickcissel
is in mating season.
- Karen hates birds.
- Who hates birds?
Karen. And when she gets
to Steubensville
to stay with her bird-hating
mother, I am finished.
So back to the DMV then?
What's the point?
With Karen gone,
life has lost all meaning.
Everything that's
important to me...
corn dogs, taxidermy,
scratch and sniff stickers,
the job...
I'm done with all of it.
Hey, no, no. Don't say that.
Think of the good times, yeah?
Like remember earlier,
when you were all,
- "Congratulations, Mark, you've got your li..."
- No, no.
I've given out my last license.
Uh...
If we leave now,
we can still see
that movie with my grandpa.
DAD: Your mom can
drive you to the party.
( voice echoing )
So, Ash, you havin' fun?
Marco!
No!!
Russell, grab
that bus schedule.
How many stops between
here and Steubensville?
Four.
Glenn, get your face off
that woman's shoulder.
You're gonna get pink eye.
If I can get you to your wife
before she reaches
your mother-in-law,
- you think you can win her back?
- Probably not.
Okay, well, do you think you
could possibly think of a way
to win her back
between here and there?
I suppose I could try.
Great. I can't think of
a more appropriate thank-you
than rewarding a generous
young boy with his license.
- You know such a boy?
- Me, Glenn.
- I'm talking about me.
- Oh, sure, sure.
Deal.
Excuse me.
I just get good grades,
I'm not used to being
a step behind,
but why would we possibly
wanna spend more time
with this lunatic?
Go with me here. We get
this boob back on his feet,
and back with his wife,
and back to the DMV,
then... ( cell phone buzzes )
Oh!
Then we'll be gettin'
texts like this
all the time.
Moly santo.
Moly santo indeed.
Unless, you know, you wanna
go eat some coleslaw
with Booger Tom
and Space Helmet.
No! I wanna go to sparkling cider
brunches with you and Ashley.
Still not sure that's a
thing, but that's the spirit!
In case you were wondering,
this is what heroes do.
Now... let's do this.
Hey! Never mess with
the Brothers Nico.
Maybe they're just
giving it a light wax.
Are you kidding me?
Are you kidding me?!
You know, I had a good excuse
for borrowing my mom's car,
but not for losing it to
a pack of cave trolls.
What's the point
of any of this?
Okay, Glenn's car is back
at the DMV.
We'd lose too much time.
That's out of play.
Oh, everything's out of play.
Is he gonna be a wet
blanket the whole time?
Okay, Russell,
I'll use Dig For It,
you use Search Doctor, and we'll
cross-reference with the smartest route.
No spark. Glenn Bufferton's
got enough spark for ten men.
Okay, Nico Repo's 8.3
miles away due north.
Which is only four miles away
from Glenn's wife's first stop.
That means this quest
is still very much alive, baby.
We just need to spring
my mom's car, then...
Gun it through Knobbler's Field.
We'll use it as a short cut.
Little nature,
little off-roading.
Okay, I am not racing my mom's
sensibly priced utility wagon
across the Australian outback.
Fine, but you always take
my advice in the end.
I mean, if anything,
I'm a sparkler.
Hey, you're the dumped husband
of my last fare.
The one with no spark.
I bent over backwards
to please that woman.
Why is she riding
a bus to her mother's?
Two cars in this economy?
( laughs ) What am I, Jay Z.?
( Guffaws ) I like you.
Funny man.
To laugh at, not to be though.
Listen, we have no time
for this nonsense.
Ooh, pull over here.
What? Did you hit
your head back there, Glenn?
We have to get my mom's car.
You told me I need to figure
out a way to win Karen back.
So I figure I should
"follow through"
by picking up my nephew
at karate class.
Good news. Wilson just qualified
for the all-valley tournament.
Bad news. The cab just drove away
with our last shred of hope.
We don't have any money. Do you?
Nah. Karen canceled
my credit cards
after I bought a side of
beef over the internet.
Last year, this dude, he gave me
colored meatballs in my Easter basket.
- Well, you owe my mom a car.
- People.
Excuse me if I'm not
concerned with
how your mother drives
to water aerobics every morning.
- People!
- Have you ever wanted something
so bad that you would
lie, cheat, and steal
just to get it?
People! You're not gonna
believe this.
Our pit stop may actually
be a lucky break.
Her bus passes
right by here on its route.
In fact...
Karen, I did it!
I picked up Wilson.
I'm a changed man.
Just look out your win... dow.
Oh!
Feels like my heart
just got run over by a bus.
Okay, new ideas.
New ideas.
Shout 'em out if you got 'em.
I think I'm having
a heart attack.
You're not having
a heart attack.
Wait. Are you having
a heart attack?
( Siren wailing )
( wheezing )
Yeah, he's not having
a heart attack.
Probably anxiety, or gas.
My money's on gas.
- Then why are we going to the hospital?
- Standard procedure.
What kind of insurance
do you have, Mr. Bufferton?
Insurance? At today's rates?
I had Karen drop that
months ago.
I guess you're gonna
have to pay out of pocket.
Wilson. Wilson, jump out, buddy.
Come on.
( Wheezing )
I think I'm having
a heart attack.
Oh, just fart already!
You know, running through
all those red lights
in that ambulance
actually made up time,
and I think the hospital
might be nearby.
Search Gal, find me Nico Repo.
Mapping route to Beepo's Tacos.
Why? Why must you buy
these off-brand smart phones?
Lay off Search Gal.
Voice recognition technology
is an imperfect science.
I could go for
some Beepo's tacos.
Find me Nico Repo Depot
and Car Wash.
Nico Repo Depot
and Car Wash located.
Distance: .7 miles.
Somebody owes Search Gal
an apology.
Will do. Let's go.
Did nobody hear me
about Beepo's tacos?
( Groans )
Guys, I cannot
stress this enough.
Beepo's Tacos al pastor?
Well worth the visit.
Could we just please
refocus on the part
where we get my mom's car back
before it's stripped for parts?
( All laughing )
Spray 'em!
Is anyone else getting the vibe
that logic and reason are off
the table with this bunch?
Even if we had the money,
it's not like they would
just hand over the car.
At least, not without us
leaving here with wet crotches.
Wilson! You're trained
in physical combat.
Any advice, broheim?
My advice?
I don't care.
I got a party to be at.
Roger that, broheim.
Well, it looks like
we're stuck, broheims.
Stop saying broheim.
Hey, Russell, could you just
knock me out and wake me up
when I'm
a licensed driver, please?
I say we ram their defenses
at the joints
to test its integrity.
Or what about that sewage
pipe you've got your foot on?
Property values here
must be terrific.
( Water dripping )
Maybe it tunnels
underneath the fence.
Unfortunately, it's too tight
for any of us to crawl through.
Not for the smallest
kid in the world.
For the record,
I chafed my elbow
and had to suck in my gut,
so, you know, not that small.
You look like you could
be in my grade.
For reals.
You know, if you weren't eight.
Dream on, short round.
Whoa ho ho! Burn!
Why don't you two just go
sit quietly over there.
Maybe work on a speech
to win your wife back,
'cause it's the point
of the whole mission.
Russell, I'm really not sure
this is a good idea.
Please. I'll just crawl
through mole-man style,
liberate your mom's car,
and we'll be rippin' across
Knobbler's Field in no time.
I still haven't said
yes to that.
You always take
my advice in the end.
You're doin' great, Russell.
And you do not have
a newly discovered fear
of closed places.
( Shrieks, pants )
Human head.
It's just a mannequin head.
That's...
equally as creepy.
I can't see him anymore, guys.
His mom makes him wear
those sneakers
with the reflective patches.
You know, you remind me of me
when I was young.
Why? Why would you ever
say that to me?
You are single-minded
in purpose,
just like I was.
That's how I landed Karen.
And believe you me,
that girl was way
out of my league.
That's nothing like... me.
Of course, I had
to sacrifice stuff to get her.
She hated my dream
of going to clown college,
so that went bye-bye.
But these are the choices
you make for a lady
who lifts you up
to a whole new level.
So what if I cry
in the basement
while making balloon
animals in secret?
It's worth it.
And it'll be
worth it for you, too.
Oh, it wasn't so bad.
I had a loyal friend
to talk to.
Wore orthopedic shoes.
I used to call him my sidekick.
You know,
now that I think about it,
I guess it sounds
nothing like you.
Yeah, Mark. Nothing like you.
Russell! ( Voice echoing )
Stuck? The irony.
( Cell phone rings )
Search Gal, answer.
Mapping route to Beepo's Tacos.
Search Gal, kill! Kill!
Kill command accepted.
Shutting down now.
( phone powers down )
( whispering )
Search Gal, help me.
Oh! I ate seven bags
of cotton candy that night.
You have reached
the voice-mail of...
Guys, he's not picking up.
It's really not a good sign.
Russell doesn't get
that many phone calls,
so he never lets them
go to voice-mail.
Wait a minute.
You two can afford
phone plans with "voice-mail"?
( Wheezing laugh )
Who are you, Jay Z.?
Listen, we don't get
my mom's car back,
we can kiss both Ashley
and your wife good-bye.
That's horrible. Who's Ashley?
( Cell phone rings )
It's Ashley.
You are a conjurer
of evil things.
- Hey, girl!
- Quick question.
What's your favorite
kind of cupcake?
Fair warning: Amber Valeen's
favorite is ganache,
so you'll probably have
ganache all over your car.
- Oh. So Amber's coming too?
- Fun, right?
Is there anybody else
I need to get a cupcake for?
Uh...
Well, does Monica Delmonico's
pool have a shallow end?
And if so,
specifically, how shallow?
- Uh, I guess I could check.
- You know what? Never mind.
Not to be a stick in the mud,
but my mom's car
has sort of an intimate feel,
and what with the expanding
passenger list...
Oh, totally.
Hey, you know Dean Greeves
just got his license,
and a new SUV that has tons
of room, so we could just...
Vanilla. Get me vanilla.
Bye, girl.
I knew it.
The sharks are circling.
Stupid mole-man plan.
I'm the one with
things at stake here.
Russell is gonna mole-man me
out of my new life.
Okay, okay.
The only way to free Russell,
get my mom's car back,
and get back on the road
to your wife
is to get on the other
side of that fence.
The only question is how.
All right, impromptu
brainstorming session.
Shout 'em out if you got 'em.
Phone delivery man! Skydiving!
Delivery man! Time travel!
You said delivery man
twice, Glenn.
That's how much
I believe in it.
Wilson.
Nothin'?
Lay off, bro.
I'm about to clear level three.
While I agree that
video games may offer
most of life's answers,
I really don't think...
Wilson! You're a genius!
Oh!
Whoo!
Didn't shower after
karate, did you, buddy?
Chicks dig the musk.
As you can see, I've come
to my own rescue once again.
You're welcome.
Once I am safely
on the other side,
you two gentlemen can
scurry over by way of
this crude but sturdy rope,
meticulously engineered
from two undershirts,
a pair of khakis,
an old trash bag,
and Wilson's
yellow karate belt.
Congratulations,
by the way, man.
- That's really something to be proud of.
- Whatevs.
- Yeah?
- Shouldn't you be wearing a helmet?
( laughs ) Totally unnecessary.
Taking into consideration
your height and, uh,
doughy build,
your downward force
should launch me into the sky,
I pull my shirt taut,
simulating the aerodynamics
of your average fruit bat,
allowing me to sail over
the fence,
and land safely on that filthy,
gross mattress right over there.
Don't have to raise your hand.
You, uh, take physics
in school?
Nope. Chemistry.
But the principles
are more or less the same.
The math is sound.
Sounds like genius forgot
to carry a two.
Hope you like
the taste of dirt.
Trust me.
Jump.
Abort!!
( Weakly ) Ta-da.
Man, I should've just
stayed in that ambulance.
Wow!
You must feel
so stupid right now.
What does it feel like
to be that stupid?
ANGELA: Move it, chumps.
Come on, give
the poor kid a break.
He doesn't even know
what state he's in.
Why you gotta
ruin things, Angela?
Yeah, why you gotta
ruin things?
- Go get me a juice box.
- ( Whip cracking )
Hey, don't make me
send you to bed.
You knuckleheads try
and stay out of jail
while I get
this sack of meat's car.
I'm just gonna
lay here and clear my head.
You know what's good for that?
A bath.
Am I done yet?
Nope. I got a coupon.
Buy one, get one free.
That wasn't so bad.
( Mimicking brothers ) "Butt out, Angela.
You ruin everything."
You butt out.
Don't make me have to hurt you.
I don't want to,
but I will tase you.
My sidekick is in peril.
You're gonna tase me?
With your Taser?
That's what I said.
You are adorable.
You know what?
I'm gonna let you have this.
You're too kind.
You know, as much as
this industrial-strength soap
really stings, it doesn't sting
nearly as bad as
those five failures
I was telling you
about earlier.
So if anyone understands
your frustration at the world,
it's me.
The man is our enemy,
not each other.
I beseech you.
Let us part as friends, huh?
The best of friends.
What say you?
Is that the majority opinion?
Hop in, buddy.
- I took a hostage.
- What?!
- Get 'em.
- Stay back.
The tiny one is a maniac.
He is gonna tase me.
With his Taser.
I'm so mad, I wanna yank off
another mannequin head.
You should probably
cool it with that, bro.
Cool nothing.
I have three words, gentlemen.
Beast Mode.
Wilson, where's your uncle?
Uncle by marriage, dude.
Sh!
Be still.
Russell's got you.
Let me be your hero.
Hero? You are the least
heroic hero
in all of hero history.
( Waves crashing,
seagulls cawing )
I will shove that thing
down your...
So, Russell tells me
you two are best friends.
Best friends don't make things
go from bad to worse.
I had the situation
under control.
You look like a seagull
cleaned up after an oil spill.
So I swooped in
and saved the day.
That's how heroes roll.
You've seen me play
Capture the Flag.
Yeah, I have.
You take it way too far.
The point is to
capture the flag.
Okay, you kidnapped their queen
and gave them new
and interesting reasons
to hate me.
Not to mention we lost
the one guy
who can end this nightmare.
Because his phone
was in his pants,
and his pants were in
your ill-conceived rope.
A hero wouldn't have
made that mistake.
Oh, you're not a hero.
You're not even
a good sidekick.
Somebody needs couples therapy.
You know, you're welcome
to leave whenever.
Oh, I'm staying.
Any time away from my brothers
is a breath of fresh air.
No joke; The whole house
smells like meatballs and B.O.
And technically speaking,
I'm the only licensed driver.
Well, then,
technically speaking,
thrilled to have ya.
I emerged from the underworld
reborn like a phoenix.
How could I not be the hero?
Okay, okay, guys.
We're dangerously close to
going off the rails here.
The most important thing now
is to just find
our last, best hope.
Hey, check out this weirdo
drifter on that tiny bike.
Is he not wearing pants?
Oh, sweet mercy, you're here.
My calves are on fire.
You should be
ashamed of yourself.
- Abandoning us, leaving your nephew.
- By marriage!
The only way my family
line has survived
is by fleeing at
the first sign of danger.
Get in the car, Glenn.
I can't. My legs are useless.
And I gotta return this bike
to that sweet little girl.
If he asks me to massage
a cramp, I quit.
- ( Cell phone beeps )
- Not that you need my help,
but we're right near the bus's
third stop at Dearborn Junction.
Glenn, we have to move,
and we have to move right now.
You're gonna have
to massage my legs.
WILSON: Not it!
Oh, man, they got
a Beepo's taco truck?
This party's gonna be
off the hook.
This party's for third graders?
Don't hate the playa.
Hate the game.
By the way, nobody mention
that I'm wearing my mom's
aerobic shirt, all right?
It was in the trunk,
and it's dry.
Plus I look really good
in violet.
I hope your mom's rig
can run on fumes,
because I don't know if
I trust the gas gauge
with all the dead weight
we're carrying.
I think he's talking about you.
And not that I deserve
any credit
for saving the mission
from certain failure yet again,
but the bus stop
is coming up fast.
Glenn, I hope you have
your speech prepared.
Just the dance sequence. But I'm
pretty sure the words will come.
- Then let's do this!
- ( Siren wailing )
- Come on! - Really?
- You owe me a wife!
Guys, emergency vehicles
have the right of way.
Test number four.
I know what I'm doing.
Hey, aren't those the guys
who stiffed us
on our transport fee?
Maybe we can get
20 bucks out of them for lunch.
The rules of the road
are rules for a reason.
Back me up, Glenn.
Sorry? I was distracted by this
ambulance barreling towards us.
They found us! Scatter!
What a wuss.
You're the one
who owes them money.
Wait up!
( Siren in the distance)
- ( car honks )
- Whoa Whoa!
Come on! Today is not the day.
Ah, it's more trouble
than its worth.
I've to go pick up the guy that
fell out of that
hot air balloon.
( Sighs )
GIRL: We'll take three
of the ganache, please.
( Whispers )
Oh, the universe hates me.
( Sighs )
Don't hide from me.
I see you.
There you are.
Yummy vanilla.
Hiding behind the red velvet.
We'll take these too, please.
So, is that nice Mark boy
still taking you
to Monica's pool party?
Not sure.
We do weird phone call.
I think Dean Greaves
might be taking us.
Crowd management,
real time traffic for miles,
fuel consumption,
road snacks...
I give and I give and
all he does is take.
Don't even get me started.
I feel like that with
my brother sometimes too.
Well, all the time, actually.
The important thing is
not to take it personally.
Specially since we have
no idea where he went.
I stand corrected.
What are you dummies
doing just sitting here?
Ashley is in that store,
along with a million questions
that I don't know how to answer.
Oh, these cup cakes are perfect.
Watch where you're going!
( Ashley screams )
( gasps )
OK. If Ashley sees us...
she's going to ask Dean Greaves
to take her to the party.
Super.
MARK: Not super!
Totally super.
Dean Greaves is terrific.
Charming, dreamy eyes.
Plays guitar.
When life gives
you Dean Greaves,
you make Dean Greaves hate.
( Imitates Russell )
Oh good.
Ashley's gone.
( Police radio )
And Glenn just got arrested.
Call me.
Well, they're
reducing the charges
for him stealing
the little girl's bike.
But, he's still in the hook
for being in his underwear.
Yo! I got places to be!
This karate body needs protein.
So, now we have to bail him out
and save his marriage?
Where are we supposed
to get seventy five bucks?
And $25 for him
being in his underwear.
He told me that
was a bathing suit.
He said it was because he did
not have any more clean laundry.
( Heaves )
It's times like this
you have to ask yourself.
Wouldn't it be
easier if you just
build your own pool and
have your own party?
I've got a really good idea.
Why doesn't Russell call
his new best friend,
Dean Greaves to come in
and save the day.
I know you're just being
flippant, but he totally would.
Remember those?
He saved from those wild dogs.
Yo, check it!
A Happy Scratcher!
Wilson got three pineapples
and a dollar sign.
Cha-ching, yo!
Is he speaking emoji?
Check it.
Wilson's flush.
( All panic )
Those are my grandpa's
Happy Scratchers
and mine by birthright.
And you have to be eighteen
to cash them in, tough guy.
Hand over the tickets, Wilson.
( Car locks )
- ( car unlocks )
- ( Car locks)
- ( car unlocks )
- ( Car locks)
( car unlocks
and locks simultaneously )
( punching sounds )
Let a real man handle this.
I just want to put you
in my pocket.
Bring it.
( Moans )
I draw the line at hitting
eight year olds.
Unless they're family.
We need that ticket, Wilson.
What's it going to take?
Got karate master's
head honor, Wilson.
Where's the honor in blackmail?
When Wilson's late
for a jammy-jam...
Wilson plays dirty.
So the kid will do anything
to get to a super cool
popular kid party.
Sure that's something
you can get behind.
And I'm sure there's
a gas station near by.
Just saying.
You know, with our
suspicious gas gauge.
Just tell me
where the street is.
Or should we get Dean Greaves
to navigate for us?
If you had quit bickering like
a couple of cats in a bag,
you'd see that big dope's
jammy-jam is right there.
( Indistinct crowd )
Short guy,
Mitch,
girl whose name
I can't remember,
catch you on the flip.
( Sighs )
Wilson.
Don't tell me it's a pool party.
No doubt. Wilson's gonna
get his snuggle on.
I really need to
get that license.
Let's go bail Glenn out.
Unless...
Don't you dare say Dean Greaves.
- Then we should really...
- Don't you dare
say Knobbler's Field!
My mom's car has been
through enough already.
Knobbler's Field
is off the table.
Dean Greaves is off the table!
You know what?
Anything that comes out
your mouth, off the table!
You say that now, Forehead.
- ( Gasps )
- But you always
take my advice in the end.
Hey! It's just a pool party.
Just a pool party?
Just a pool party?
This license.
Leveling up. Ashley.
It is everything to me!
Boy, I close my eyes...
You almost sound like Glenn.
Who wants to go to
a pool party with Glenn?
Who wants to go to
a pool party with you?
With your cheap phones
and your Mole Man
and your sparkling
cider lunches.
- Brunches!
- Oh, whatever!
It's embarrassing.
And plus, you were
never even invited.
( Snorts )
No. I don't need
your stupid pool party.
I got Wilson's. Have fun
choking on your sixth failures.
Fine! Go!
We'll move faster without you.
Kinda takes the wind
out of your sails
when you gotta stop in
the middle of your big moment.
Doesn't it, drama queen?
Test number one.
Three seconds.
Not before. Not after.
But, squarely at the stop sign.
I don't write the rules, Angela.
Nope. You just die by them.
GLENN:
Thanks again for springing me
from the big house, guys.
Now, back to our Karen quest.
MARK: Guys.
Oh!
Frosty in here.
I haven't felt anything
this tense since.
Knifey Pete and New Fish Wingo
went at it in the yard.
It did not end well
for Knifey Pete.
Well, while you were making
colorful new friends...
Let me catch you up on what
happened here in the real world.
Bail money for you...
Karate fights...
A conga line of blue-hairs.
Mark chased away
his only friend.
One more thing.
We missed the bus's final stop
before Steubensville
and our last chance of catching
your wife is slipping away.
All right. Can it with
the monologue, Shakespeare.
Work that peddle.
Why?
What's the point?
We're never going to
beat her bur to Steubensville.
We're doomed.
Unless some sign appears
out of nowhere
to magically show us the way.
GLENN:
We are making excellent time.
Great idea, Mark.
( Sighs )
So you're just going to
keep on driving?
Like nothing's wrong?
I have no idea what
you're talking about.
Even when he's not here,
he's saving your butt.
Not cool, bro!
OK! Fine!
Yeah, Russell scored with
a Knobbler's Field shortcut.
So what? Doesn't mean
he's right about everything.
You know, he told me
to close the sun roof,
so the bugs wouldn't get in.
Nothing's happened there.
Doesn't count. Too delightful.
These things
on the other hand...
A menace.
MARK: Stop! Stop! Stop!
GLENN: He is literally
inside my nostrils.
Oh, Russell was right
about the sun roof.
Whoa!
GLENN: Am I OK? I think it
might have scratched me.
No. No, you're good.
OK. Russell was right
about two things. So what?
Even a broken clock
is right twice a day. Right?
Wha-what's that flashing
nozzle on the dash mean?
( All grunting )
MARK: Oh, come on.
Put your back into it.
The gas station's less
than a mile this way.
Over the river and
through the woods.
Somebody suggested
we fill up earlier.
Something about
a faulty gas gauge.
The name's on
the tip of my tongue.
OK! OK! All right!
I admit it. Russell was right.
He was right about everything.
The shortcut. The sun roof.
The gas gauge. The dead weight.
I think he's talking about you.
You name it,
Russell was right about it.
Hey.
Don't take it so hard.
I mean, look around.
It's beautiful here.
And someone recently told me
that dickcissel is
in mating season.
That was Russell.
( Sighs )
Yeah, I miss that kid.
He's great.
I wanted him to come
to the pool party.
I really did.
He's just nervous.
He can come out
a little strong sometimes.
I mean, you guys have never
seen him play capture the flag.
I don't blame you Mark.
I mean, when my buddy
with the orthopedic shoes
started cramping my style,
I dropped him like a bad habit
and went straight to Karen town.
But, not because
of the orthopedic shoes.
That's prejudice.
Sweet gherkin.
I am glad.
I guess Russell was
right about everything.
Can't believe it.
I was embarrassed
about him but...
I- I should have
been embarrassed about me.
I choked.
I choked at friendship.
( sighs )
And the truth shall
set you free.
Though technically
we're still stuck in a field...
in the rain...
because of you.
Who cares about
that stupid pool party.
I would rather just spend
the rest of my days
as a regular Mark,
as long as I just got
my best friend back.
RUSSELL: That would sound
lovely in a tasteful card.
Quality card stock.
Something classy.
Eggshell is nice.
- ANGELA: Oh, Russell!
- MARK: Buddy!
Tell me you brought food.
How'd you know we'd be here?
What can I say? You always
take my advice in the end.
Snap!
Plus, I-I knew you'd
forget to gas up,
and I know how much
that party means to you.
That an-and not
dying in a field.
You do know me.
So, how was Wilson's pool party?
He said I was on the list.
Big Dub does run with a
pretty exclusive party crowd.
Primo cake, I'm told.
MARK: You know,
when this is all over,
I owe you a
sparkling cider brunch.
RUSSELL: Oh, Mark.
Those are so last year.
( All sighing and gasping )
All right.
Tank full.
No permanent injuries.
Russell's earned a well
deserved power nap.
I can't understand why
I like him so much.
I think he reminds me
of the doll I once had.
Yo, Glenn,
how's that speech coming?
"You are the corn to my cob"
"and are at
your best with butter."
Karen loves butter.
Keep thinking.
You know, I'm proud
of you, Mark.
You shook it off and,
lo and behold,
the light at
the end of the tunnel.
( Car honking )
You know, the problem with the
light at the end of the tunnel,
there's always a darkness
right behind you.
Oh, no.
Beast mode.
Here's Nicos!
How did they find us?
You know, I may have
mentioned Steubensville
in that fourth or
fifth grid cycle.
Right before that really
moving speech I gave earlier.
He told us exactly
where he's going to be
in that super dumb speech
he gave earlier.
What an idiot!
There she is!
Is that the bus?
Did I say, "Throw it to me?"
So much optimism
in such a tiny body.
We're gaining.
Wait! Pull over here.
- What?
- Are you crazy?
You owe me a power nap!
Non negotiable pit stop.
Trust me.
I know what I'm doing.
OK. When you
put it that way, no!
Stubborn as a mule.
Just like I was when
I was your age.
MARK: Get out!
I don't know how quick an ulcer
can form in a teenage body
but, ho, ho, ho!
I swear he's helped me
set a record.
Come on.
Carrots and vegetables.
Point Glenn.
( Car screeches )
By the way, why is your dry cleaner
all the way in Steubensville?
Cheapest rates around.
( Groans )
All right. We're
on the goal line
with two seconds left
on the clock.
We're unstoppable!
We're going to strap your ride!
And eat your bones!
Would you believe me
if I told you
he was the one
with most potential.
One car length. One car length!
I mean, you guys
are seeing this right?
My last test.
Young man...
I may not have always shown it,
but I admire your commitment
to vehicular safety.
Oops!
MARK: Even when you
try to be nice,
you ruin things.
Yo, tie this suit
behind the seat,
we'll swap it for cash
at the Suit Palace later.
( Cellphone ringing )
GLENN: Sorry, ah, ah, Ashley.
Um, Mark can't come
to the phone right now.
Um, he's under
extreme pressure,
and I don't want him
soiling his pants
in front of pretty girl.
Mark, Hello?
Hello, Ashley.
That was my uncle, we're
taking him to the hospital.
Something's not right
with his head.
But Mark is really...
Double bag, double bag...
Suitcase on the left.
RUSSELL: Designer
man purse straight ahead.
GLENN: Snowboard.
Ah... I don't get it.
( Gasps )
ALL: Ah!
( All grunting )
Is Mark there?
Yes, I mean, yes.
I'm here.
I know I was weird earlier,
but, I learned something today.
A pool party
is just a pool party.
Is that party really worth it
if you're not partying in the
pool with people you love?
I was actually just calling
to remind you
to bring sunscreen,
it's supposed to be pretty hot.
Mark, do you still want to go
to this party with me?
Miss a party
with nice-teeth Ashley?
Never.
Oh, exciting news.
I decided to bring a plus one.
Or more accurately,
a plus half.
( Russell screams )
See you at the party.
MARK: All right,
it's the end of our quest.
As long as we don't
screw the things up.
I think...
There's only one way
this can go down.
We're gonna have
to cannonball this thing.
Or we could just meet her
at the station.
My situation demands
a grand gesture.
It's go big
or go home, broheim.
Or go die,
which is the more
likely outcome.
Glenn, get back in the car.
Too late. This is my destiny.
MARK: Glenn, this is crazy.
How are you gonna even hold on?
You let me worry about that.
( Music playing )
GLENN:
Toodle-bear! Karen! Karen!
Karen!
( screeching ) Toodle-bear!
MARK: Please don't be dead.
Please don't be dead...
Clown college means
everything to me, Karen.
Please tell me I can go.
Sure.
Baby, just get in the car.
I love you, Toodle-bear.
I hope he doesn't
remember any of this.
Because we're not paying
for clown college.
There she is,
we're not too late.
All we have to do is
just buy Glenn a few minutes.
Unless a few minutes
is all he has left.
MARK: Ah.
Slow down, Forehead.
I've a perfectly
normal-sized forehead.
You think you can
cost me my license,
steal my sister,
ding up my
beast-mode accessories,
and get off scot-free?
Technically,
we borrowed your sister,
and if it makes
feel any better,
I'm sure I could find some
reasonably priced
beast-mode accessories
on the internet.
Ugh, again?
Why do we have
to be those people?
Angela...
You need to learn
when to speak up,
and when to keep
your mouth shut.
RUSSELL: And you...
need to learn to relax.
( Fighting )
RUSSELL: My head!
I don't want
to embarrass you, Gino,
but you just got three-seconded
by someone who weighs
less than a bag of sugar.
Russell, can I just say...
wow, I was...
It was simply majestic, man.
I mean...
Don't mention it,
that's what heroes do.
- ANGELA: Ooh.
- MARK: You see, here I am,
just trying to give you
a nice compliment...
Uh, fellas?
( Background chatter )
Go get that license.
Oh, good, you're awake.
Are you sure that
this is what you want?
This is what I always wanted.
Shia LaBeouf,
I have always wanted
your autograph.
Ah, Mrs. Glenn?
Bufferton.
I'm so sorry, I'm not sure
if you took his last name.
If not I completely
understand why.
Um, but your husband,
he's got something
desperately to tell you.
What's wrong with him?
Outside of the usual stuff?
I'd say probably head trauma.
Look. I think it's great that
Glenn is making new friends,
but, I've been
over this before,
the spark is gone and so am I.
Mrs. Glenn, I know you've got
reason to doubt him, but...
Today, your husband
has pulled a calf muscle,
done time,
picked up out-of-the-way
dry cleaning,
put together a four,
may be a five serviceable
romantic speeches,
babysat a self-entitled
karate champ.
My mother's waiting.
He-he bounced off
a bus for you.
- No, he didn't.
- Yes, he did.
He did all that stuff.
For you.
You may think that you want
a more glamorous life,
you know, one with
voice mails and a new car,
but don't be so quick to throw
away what you already have.
'Cause what you already have has
been fighting for you all day.
And if you have
someone in your life
that knows you're
worth fighting for,
then you're right,
that's not a spark.
Mrs. Glenn, that's a fire.
H- how do I know he'll change?
You don't.
But if you walk away now,
you're gonna blow it.
Just trust me.
I know a thing or two
about choking the clutch.
Oh...
Oh, I hate crying,
almost as much as I hate fur.
Oh.
Toodle-bear?
Is that you?
Oh, honey, I miss you so much.
I picked up your dry cleaning.
It's scattered over Highway 46.
Oh!
They're not strangling
each other,
that's gotta be
a good sign, right?
- Yeah.
- True love.
You know it when you see it.
We did it! We did it!
Good-bye, booger-covered rump!
Hello, Ashley!
It's been fun, boys.
But I should probably get back
to my gang of knuckleheads.
It's almost dinnertime,
and none of them are allowed
to use a stove.
Hey, Angela.
It wasn't a Taser,
it was an inhaler.
I know.
Oh.
So this is what
victory feels like.
Yeah, it is!
( Both cheering )
Can you believe it, man?
We're just a twenty-minute
drive from the DMV,
and only a signature away
from the Promised Land.
Mr. Ninety-two percent pays off,
Thank you, internet.
No, I'm actually glad
we helped him.
You do good things
for good people,
and good things just happen.
WOMAN: Mark!
Mark!
Ashley and Dean,
do make a cute couple.
You should probably
start working out.
Cannonball!
Glenn.
Why are you doing this?
Promises were made,
deals were struck.
Please come back.
( Mark screams )
Glenn's a jerk.
I can't believe he left us.
After everything
we did for him.
What kind of a selfish monster
abandons his friends
and loved ones without
so much as second thought?
You gotta call Angela, dude.
She's only our legal chaperon.
I can't call Angela.
We left on such a high.
Just when I thought this day
couldn't get
any more humiliating.
I think it's kind of fun.
( Tow truck towing )
Pick up the pace, slick,
and don't tell your sister.
Yes, sir. Right away, sir.
( Tow truck towing )
I just thought of
a few other things
you can drive
without a license.
Golf cart.
Jet ski.
Maybe like a big drill.
That might be
a special class of license.
Thanks, buddy, but...
I really don't have it
in me to be cheered up.
Most important thing
to do now...
is to just make sure
that I'm not grounded
for the rest of my life.
On a scale of one to ten,
how important's that to you?
( Mark gasps )
There you guys are.
We've been looking
for you everywhere.
RUSSELL: Grounded for a month?
You must be hating life
pretty hard right now.
Ugh, it's not so bad.
I got my loyal buddy
right across the way.
It'll go by in a snap.
So, I guess back
to the bus on Monday.
And every day.
Not for long.
Heroes never say die.
Hey, in case
you didn't realize,
you didn't choke today.
Sure, you gagged a little.
RUSSELL:
But the luggage slalom,
the maniac squirrel,
your magnificent speech,
you passed your test.
Even if you didn't you know...
pass your test.
You should be proud
of regular Mark.
Thanks, buddy.
You meant both
of us before, right?
- We're both the heroes.
- Yes.
( laughter )
MAN: Thank you.
WOMAN:
Oh, Glenn, you are a hoot!
Who might this stranger be?
And what has
this stranger told you?
I think somebody has
a little explaining to do.
How could you keep
this as a secret?
Ah, ah...
I'm sure he was just
trying to surprise you.
I mean, he-he got so excited,
he left before
I could even tell him.
Sometimes people
just get so caught up
in the moment they take off.
You know, I hear that's a thing.
But since your house is so close
to my favorite corn dog stand,
I'd figured
I'd drop it off myself.
Congratulations, you earned it!
Looks like the coolest cat
in this household
just got a little bit cooler.
By the way,
you wouldn't happen to have
a pair of boxer briefs
I could borrow, would you?
I'm on day two
of a bathing suit
and no clean laundry.
Hey, that was really nice
of your parents
to suspend your grounding
for the pool party.
Yeah, Yeah,
they're good like that.
Listen, I...
I wanna thank you
for what you did,
everything you went through.
You're a better man than I.
Glenn, could you say that
one more time for me, please?
You are a better man than I.
You have no idea
how good it feels,
to hear you say that to me.
I'm just glad I could help
you out with your dream.
I know you helped me with mine.
Oh!
Togo's my lab partner
in clown college.
Guy is a genius with seltzer.
( Honk honk )
Classic Togo.
I'm sorry if this is
a stupid question, but...
- Where's your wife?
- What's that now?
Karen?
The woman that we chased
halfway across the state.
Epic Adventures Karen?
Oh, yeah, it didn't work out.
GLENN: She was right, no spark.
So, we parted ways.
But, our little quest
sure got my fire going.
I re-enrolled in North Dakota
Central State Clown College
last night.
You were so good
at your old job.
To be honest with you,
I was just coasting.
Would you believe
I passed over ninety-two
percent of my testees?
Ninety-two percent.
( Rap music playing )
You don't say.
Life is beautiful
So full of blessings
Each day is
a brand new lesson
Take a breathe
to ease your stressing
What you have
is so impressing
Coming together
people coalescing
If you don't know you
can stop your guessing
And we'll provide
with one suggestion
Then you'll find
there's no contesting
So, I vault over the wall,
mimic the wing span
of a common fruit bat,
and, much like said fruit bat,
I achieved flight.
- That's amazing.
- Yeah.
That was some flight,
fruit bat.
RUSSELL: My journey through the
sewer was far more dangerous.
Don't you just wanna
put him in your pocket?
He's hilarious.
I'm happy we decided
to keep things small.
Oh, no, you didn't.
Oh, settle down, girlfriend.
Come on.
You know, I'm really glad we decided
to come to this party together.
Yeah, well, I'm really glad
I got my license.
I would have come with you even
if your mom had to drive.
I was just looking for an
excuse to hang out with you.
Come on
It's a great day
sunny and warm
No clouds in the sky
no traces of a storm
Come on, silly.
Expressions on the faces
of the people as they stop
That's how it is
it's a positive lifestyle
Oh, yes livin' it
so fresh livin' it all
Knocking down
a obstacle like a wall
Impossible to fall
because you have wings
Get up, get on your feet
We got something
you should see
Thanks so much
for getting my vanilla.
You're welcome.
Did I tell you that
I'd to buy these twice?
Some crazy man in his underwear
ruined the first box.
He actually kinda looks
like that clown over there.
Hey there, little fellow.
Enjoy your poodle.
( Squeak squeak )
I'm sure that's
just a coincidence.
( Exhales )
Okay, okay, okay.
Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine.
- ( Exhales )
- Ahem.
First time taking the test?
Uh...
Excellent stop, young man.
Though you might want
to pull up a little.
( Car alarm blares )
We can just go, right?
That's my car.
Easy now. You should be at least
one full car length behind...
( brakes screech )
It could've been worse.
And now it's worse.
( Siren wailing )
So emergency vehicles
have the right of way,
but it's not right
to turn right when
it's no right on red. Right?
I'm only here to observe.
( Wordless groaning )
Relax.
You're gonna do just fine.
See? Fine.
Thank you.
Squirrel! Squirrel!
Points for not killin' it?
( Horn blares )
Was I a terrible person
in a past life?
The past five lives?
Would you snap out of it?
It's gonna be a wonderful day.
Who fails anything five times?
I failed to ride the El
Diablo coaster five times,
'cause I'm still shorter than the
"you must be this tall" hand.
Does that stop me from hanging
upside down every morning?
Mm-mm. I've grown
a twelfth of an inch.
And change.
( Snorting laughter )
Hey! That's one.
You don't get two.
Okay. All right.
That license was
the key to everything.
It's the age-old equation.
License plus girls
suddenly noticing you,
multiplied by
ultra-hip parties,
divided by
a sensible new haircut,
equals popularity to
the power of infinity.
The ultimate cool-gorithm.
But that dream is dead
now, Russell.
They're gonna call me
"Five-Time Failure,"
which as far as nicknames go,
doesn't have that much teeth,
but it still hurts.
I'd take that over Smallest
Kid In the World any day.
And at least we're still a notch
above Space Helmet and Booger Tom.
You wanna come over
after school?
My mom makes homemade coleslaw.
Just him thinking that
we'd accept that invitation
- shows how close we are to rock bottom.
- Duly noted.
Well, on the plus side, at least
we do have chem lab today.
I feel like that's really more of
a plus for you than it is for me.
What can I say?
I love science.
Wow. Just wow.
The way you handle that beaker.
You remind me of
a young Marie Curie.
Didn't she die of
radiation poisoning?
I'm pretty sure I said young.
Oh, thank you for saving
my butt, Mark.
I'm so lucky we became
lab partners this year.
Are you kidding?
I'm the lucky one.
If it wasn't for you, I'd be
stuck with Cheese Hands Tony.
Ugh. This school's so harsh
with nicknames.
I know.
What's your nickname again?
Nice Teeth Ashley.
- That's brutal.
- ( Both laugh )
So...
What are you doing this Sunday?
Sittin' around. Maybe my
house, maybe Russell's. Why?
Well, Monica Delmonico's
having a pool party...
Okay, all right.
I think I know where
you're goin' with this, Ashley.
The best dish to bring to a pool
party is cold noodle salad.
Or so I have read.
I was actually wondering
if you wanted to take me
to the party.
I mean, you just took
your license test, right?
Yes. It's true.
Then you can pick me up.
We'll go together.
Yeah. Together.
Great. See you at noon.
- Oh, and bring that, uh...
- Cold noodle salad?
Perfect. I'm gonna be
bringing cupcakes
from my aunt's bakery.
Love Crumbs.
You can totally taste the love.
Bye.
Did that just happen?
Did the girl that
I've been crushing on
since kindergarten
just ask me out?
It's like you just leveled up
right in front of me.
You'll sneak me in through the
back gate or doggy door, right?
Yeah, dude, yeah.
Just gonna drive on
over, pick her up,
I'll carry you in
in my towel bag,
and... what?
I don't wanna say it.
Oh.
Pick her up.
That's not possible,
because of the failures.
Because of the horrible,
choking failures.
- ( Hyperventilating )
- Don't spin out on me now.
The worst thing we can do
is lose our focus.
( Liquid splashing )
Uh, I hope that's the base
and not the acid.
( Sizzling sound )
Nope. Dwayne, please escort me
to the eyewash station.
I've checked this DMV
and that DMV.
I'm not finding
any appointments.
Why are there no appointments?
Keep searching.
Look around you, Russell.
Look where we are.
Bus pick-up.
Where cool comes to die.
Okay, okay, okay.
Today is Friday.
The party is Sunday.
I have to get
my license tomorrow.
( Sighs ) Ashley
Pinafore is a rope
that has been tossed
down to us by destiny.
Climb that rope right on
up to popularity nirvana.
Toss that rope
back down to you,
and pull ourselves up from
this horror show
to a cool new world.
One with parties
and lake trips.
And sparkling cider brunches.
Really? That's what
cool is to you?
Have you ever been to one?
They are lovely.
Okay, well, either way, none of that
is happening without my license.
No license, no Ashley.
No Ashley, no pool party,
and no pool party...
Has anybody seen
my medicated lip balm?
We're lookin' at
Booger Tom and Space Helmet
to throw us a rope.
A booger-covered rope.
( Horn honks )
Who am I kidding?
Finding an appointment
is the least of our worries.
Even if I get one,
I'm just gonna turn into
a quivering mess
like the last five times.
Daddy needs a sure thing!
Then you're gonna
wanna see this.
Ninety-two percent. 92!
Can you even comprehend
what that means?
Okay, this driving instructor,
this beautiful Glenn Bufferton,
passes over 92%
of all of his testees.
Listen to these comments.
"Pushover. A gimme. It's like
he wasn't even in the car."
Honey, you can't shop for driving
instructors on the internet
like printer cartridges.
Check this out.
Favorite movie:
Whatever you're watching.
Political views:
Whoever you're into.
Religion:
Don't wanna offend anyone.
This guy clearly just
wants to be liked.
It's a virtual lock.
He is the Heimlich maneuver
for my choking.
And all it takes is
a 51-mile drive to the DMV.
Oh, yeah.
Who's with me?
Son, you need to take
a step back.
Quite frankly, your mother
and I are worried
that you may be on the verge
of a mental breakdown.
I'm beggin' you.
What could be more important than the hopes
and dreams of your precious baby boy?
Uh, an all-day flea market,
that's what.
Over ten acres of bargains.
Mm-hmm. And they've
got churros.
This is a once-in-a-lifetime
opportunity.
He's all booked up.
It needs to be tomorrow.
Now, Mark, this is
the exact opposite way
of getting me
to agree with you.
I know it is. I just...
I don't think
that you're grasping
the Ashley Pinafore of it all.
Pinafore Schminafore.
Now you listen to me.
You are the coolest cat
in this household.
If your friends don't
know that by now,
the heck with them.
It's their loss.
Your mom can drive you
to the party.
I'll even make my noodle salad.
Oh, we can invite Ashley over
to play Crazy Eights after.
Fun!
( laughing )
And that's why Mark
sucked his thumb till he was 12.
Don't forget your nose plugs.
( Shrieking )
( cell phone rings )
RUSSELL: You okay, pal?
I thought I heard
someone screaming.
- I'm fine.
- Are you sure?
'Cause it was high-pitched.
Like a really feminine
howler monkey.
I'm fine.
Are you?
Why aren't you wearing
your night guard?
I should probably come over.
So you're not gonna
drive a car any time soon.
So what?
There are plenty of things
you can drive without a license.
Bumper cars. Lawn mowers.
Those tiny carts
that drive old people
to their gates at the airport.
I know your heart's
in the right place, Russell,
but everything you're saying
is making me feel way worse.
You're right.
We're young, it's Saturday.
Let's get an early start
on our homework.
This was a once-in-a-lifetime
opportunity,
and I bungled it.
I bungled it!
So be a man.
Tell Ashley you lied.
You were desperate
to be around her,
so you would've said
or done anything.
Sure, 'cause girls love
a desperate, lying fraidy-cat.
Face it, Russell.
We're stuck...
with boring old regular Mark.
Unwanted, unloved,
and unable to pull the car
out of the driveway
without parental supervision.
Mark, you're scaring me.
Well, that's our future.
My neighbor Don can't
drive me to the DMV
because of that "suspicious
mole." Hope he's okay.
A cab costs $137 one way.
I guess we could call
Booger Tom's mom.
You think that car
has boogers in it?
Their everything
has boogers in it.
Unless you know
a licensed driver
who's willing to ride with
us halfway across the state,
no questions asked,
I just don't know.
Let go of the walker, Grandpa.
I'll put it in the trunk.
I'm not goin' in the trunk.
No one said you were, Grandpa.
We love you.
There.
Now have some fauxgurt.
He loves those
Happy Scratchers.
Never wins, but he loves 'em.
So are we even sure
this is legal?
Issued by the state
of North Dakota in 1949,
but technically, still valid.
As long as you've
got your learner's permit,
he's the perfect chaperone.
Legal and forgetful.
Plus we can use his senior
citizen discount at rest stops.
I like where your head's at.
You don't get bumped up
a grade for nothing.
Here you go.
( Loudly )
We'll be back in 30 minutes.
Is that when the movie starts?
Sure.
We may have to stop at
the movies on the way back home.
This is the one, Russell.
Magic number six.
I may not say it enough, buddy,
but you are
a terrific sidekick.
Funny. I always thought
of you as the sidekick.
Hmm. I'm the one on the quest.
Or are you a side quest
to my much grander quest
whose true meaning
has yet to reveal itself?
Sounds like something
a sidekick would say.
Said the sidekick.
( Cell phone beeps )
It's Ashley.
It's our first text.
She wants to know if
I can also take.
- Harper Blanc to the pool party.
- Harper Blanc.
Harper Blanc who smells
like peaches Harper Blanc?
That's the one.
I'm texting no.
No!
Don't you realize, one
popular girl begets another?
You're trending, Mark.
You're trending.
Yeah? But if I choke this time,
the only thing trending
will be my humiliation.
I hate to be a nudge,
but I think you just
leap-frogged us.
I think you're mistaken.
I really hate to invoke
the no-cutsies rule...
And I'd hate to invoke
the four witnesses behind you
to reach down your throat
and pull your underwear
out your mouth.
Say hello to the Brothers Nico.
Hey, meatheads,
back off my friend.
Or maybe you're not
attached to your teeth.
Metaphorically.
I know your teeth are physically
rooted in your gums...
You know what?
You get my point.
You got a big mouth, inchworm.
Yeah? Well, you got
one big eyebrow.
Now apologize
to my scared friend.
Don't play the hero, tiny.
Yeah, don't play
the hero, tiny.
( Sound of whip cracking )
See, even they know
you're the sidekick.
Sorry. Were you the one just
standing up to the villain?
Seriously?
At the DMV?
Let's not be those people.
Don't tell me
what to do, Angela.
Oh, don't tell me,
don't tell me what to do.
BOY: Don't tell me,
don't tell me
don't tell me what to do.
Wait, what?
You need to fill out a form.
Whoa.
Not my first rodeo.
Okay, okay.
Just relax.
Just find your bliss.
( Waves crashing,
seagulls cawing )
Russell, put that down.
I do not need your relaxing
Sounds of Nature app right now.
You need to stay loose.
We've got Mr. 92% on our side.
Your streak of failure
ends today.
The internet's lied before.
Like remember those ancient
Chinese growth pills you ordered?
They were neither ancient
nor Chinese nor pills.
I grew a quarter of an inch.
I know you did, buddy.
The point is, how do we know
this Glenn Bufferton
didn't just write
all those reviews himself?
How do we know he's not
too good to be true?
- ( Door opens )
- ( Groans )
Okay, let's get those hands
at 10 and 2.
Or, you know,
whatever you want.
I already get the sense
you know what you're doing.
Mint?
Looks like we've got
a natural on our hands.
So, any fun plans
once you get your...
( loud thump )
Uh... please, sir. I...
( stammering )
I didn't mean to...
No excuses.
That was clearly a pothole.
I'm sorry.
The city should've
fixed that by now,
and I apologize
on their behalf.
Well, looks like I've seen
everything I need to see.
All we have left is
the formality of paperwork.
Congratulations, Mark.
- You've got your li...
- ( Goofy horn ringtone plays )
Go for Glenn.
I'm sorry that
it bothers you, honey,
but that's the way
I like to answer the phone.
( All chuckling )
Leaving? That's
a bit of an over-reaction.
Karen, calm down.
Karen, please. Karen, no!
Karen!
Pull over up here.
Sir, that's a tow-away zone.
Who are you, the mayor?
Pull over!
I'm not the mayor.
Okay. All right.
So there it is. Okay.
Whoa. ( Laughs )
Why is it so hot in here?
If you want, I can
turn on the air con...
ditioning.
I can't breathe.
The car is so small.
Why is the car so small?
( Shivering )
It's so cold in here.
Should I go get your tie?
Pull out, merge into traffic,
take your first right,
and your third left.
Why aren't we moving?!
Come on, come on,
pick up the pace.
You know you can get a ticket
for going too slow, right?
As soon as we cross Elm,
take a left
over the first lawn you see.
I don't think this is
a driving test anymore.
Well done. You see how
giving it some gas
helped you fly over that curb?
Thank you?
- Doodlebear.
- You're too late, Glenn. I'm leaving.
There's no more spark.
No spark.
But we went to the House of
Spaghetti last night.
I've seen enough
daytime television
to know this isn't gonna
end well. Let's go.
No way, dude.
I got this test aced.
This isn't a test anymore.
It's something different.
Something darker.
Well, excuse me if I'm not comfortable
picking out my belly button lint.
Nature puts it there
for a reason.
See? They're just
sortin' stuff out.
We just need to let this
dust-up run its course,
and we'll be back at
the DMV, license in hand.
Plus this is really
none of our business.
Mitch, short guy, settle
an argument for me. Come on.
Now it's our business.
Mitch, you've spent
enough time with me
to know that
I'm a level-headed guy, right?
Tell me something, Mitch.
How would you feel
if your husband fell short
of every expectation?
Uh...
My name's Mark.
Wow! I didn't figure you
for a quitter, Karen.
Well, you didn't have to
sleep next to a night farter
for the last five years.
I have trouble
digesting lactose.
You know where would be a really
good place to work this out?
Back at the DMV.
You can't just
pick up and leave.
You are my sun, my moon.
My sunny moon.
There must be
something I can do.
Classic Glenn. Big on promises,
short on follow-through.
You said you'd pick up
the dry cleaning,
and that was weeks ago.
Well, it's a tad
out of the way.
But if that settles it,
I'll pick it up today.
We could get it on
the way back to the DMV.
You also promised to
pick up our nephew
- at karate class.
- That's today.
Good-bye, Glenn.
Maybe we can get a new driving
instructor on grounds of insanity.
Fellas, come over here
and use your bodies
to block this taxi
so she can't leave.
Okay, Russell, please.
Our quest stands
on the edge of a knife.
If we go limp,
it'll only hurt a little.
That's just bad science.
Let's go before
things get worse.
( Tires screeching )
I give you worse.
This guy failed me after
you cut me off back there.
You cost me
my license, forehead.
That's right, you better run.
He said I have road rage.
Now I'm gonna road rage
all over your face.
What's wrong with my forehead?
I'm not going
anywhere, sunny moon.
You're just gonna
have to run me over.
Point Karen.
Hang tight.
I'll be back with
my multi-purpose hatchet
whose many purposes
you'll soon discover.
Ashley's overrated, right?
- Let me in.
- ( Both screaming )
Follow that cab.
How am I doing, sir? I don't
wanna break the speed limit
in front of
my driving instructor.
Here's an instruction.
Stop driving like
a little baby and gas it,
'cause we're actually
being passed by a little baby.
Still, I think
we lost Road Rage.
Or he's right behind us.
( Heavy metal music plays )
- They're gaining!
- I can see that in my side mirror, Russell,
where objects are
closer than they appear,
as any seasoned driver
should know.
KAREN: Please leave
a message, unless you're Glenn.
Oh, you can turn off
your phone, Karen,
but you cannot turn off my heart,
no matter how hard you try.
Look, her cab is taking a right on Delgado.
Push, Mitch, push.
Mitch, Mark. Either one
would look really good
on a shiny new
driver's license.
If this maniac
comes any closer,
he'll be in the backseat,
and I'm in the backseat!
Okay, you're going to
engage your left signal,
- but you are going to turn right.
- What?
You heard me.
Oh, Mr. Bufferton, please.
Is now a bad time
to request a bathroom break?
BOTH: Yes!
Ah, the bus terminal,
where we had our first date.
And there she is, pulling up!
Quick, there's a spot
right there. Park.
Park like the wind.
Parallel park? It's just like
my second failure.
For the love of Pete,
just pull up there already.
I am losing her!
I did it.
Give me a thumbs up.
This is a moment
you'll wanna remember.
I'm stuck.
You have a window, too.
( Horn beeps )
Doodlebear!
Doodlebear!
Tilt your head to the left.
I wanna catch
this midday light.
Doodlebear, where are you?
Doodlebear!
Don't just stand there.
Find the man's Doodlebear.
GLENN: Steubensville?
Steubensville?
Sweet gherkin, why?
Maybe she's going
bird watching.
There's some amazing
conservation land out there.
Knobbler's Field,
it's a bird watcher's paradise.
And the Dickcissel
is in mating season.
- Karen hates birds.
- Who hates birds?
Karen. And when she gets
to Steubensville
to stay with her bird-hating
mother, I am finished.
So back to the DMV then?
What's the point?
With Karen gone,
life has lost all meaning.
Everything that's
important to me...
corn dogs, taxidermy,
scratch and sniff stickers,
the job...
I'm done with all of it.
Hey, no, no. Don't say that.
Think of the good times, yeah?
Like remember earlier,
when you were all,
- "Congratulations, Mark, you've got your li..."
- No, no.
I've given out my last license.
Uh...
If we leave now,
we can still see
that movie with my grandpa.
DAD: Your mom can
drive you to the party.
( voice echoing )
So, Ash, you havin' fun?
Marco!
No!!
Russell, grab
that bus schedule.
How many stops between
here and Steubensville?
Four.
Glenn, get your face off
that woman's shoulder.
You're gonna get pink eye.
If I can get you to your wife
before she reaches
your mother-in-law,
- you think you can win her back?
- Probably not.
Okay, well, do you think you
could possibly think of a way
to win her back
between here and there?
I suppose I could try.
Great. I can't think of
a more appropriate thank-you
than rewarding a generous
young boy with his license.
- You know such a boy?
- Me, Glenn.
- I'm talking about me.
- Oh, sure, sure.
Deal.
Excuse me.
I just get good grades,
I'm not used to being
a step behind,
but why would we possibly
wanna spend more time
with this lunatic?
Go with me here. We get
this boob back on his feet,
and back with his wife,
and back to the DMV,
then... ( cell phone buzzes )
Oh!
Then we'll be gettin'
texts like this
all the time.
Moly santo.
Moly santo indeed.
Unless, you know, you wanna
go eat some coleslaw
with Booger Tom
and Space Helmet.
No! I wanna go to sparkling cider
brunches with you and Ashley.
Still not sure that's a
thing, but that's the spirit!
In case you were wondering,
this is what heroes do.
Now... let's do this.
Hey! Never mess with
the Brothers Nico.
Maybe they're just
giving it a light wax.
Are you kidding me?
Are you kidding me?!
You know, I had a good excuse
for borrowing my mom's car,
but not for losing it to
a pack of cave trolls.
What's the point
of any of this?
Okay, Glenn's car is back
at the DMV.
We'd lose too much time.
That's out of play.
Oh, everything's out of play.
Is he gonna be a wet
blanket the whole time?
Okay, Russell,
I'll use Dig For It,
you use Search Doctor, and we'll
cross-reference with the smartest route.
No spark. Glenn Bufferton's
got enough spark for ten men.
Okay, Nico Repo's 8.3
miles away due north.
Which is only four miles away
from Glenn's wife's first stop.
That means this quest
is still very much alive, baby.
We just need to spring
my mom's car, then...
Gun it through Knobbler's Field.
We'll use it as a short cut.
Little nature,
little off-roading.
Okay, I am not racing my mom's
sensibly priced utility wagon
across the Australian outback.
Fine, but you always take
my advice in the end.
I mean, if anything,
I'm a sparkler.
Hey, you're the dumped husband
of my last fare.
The one with no spark.
I bent over backwards
to please that woman.
Why is she riding
a bus to her mother's?
Two cars in this economy?
( laughs ) What am I, Jay Z.?
( Guffaws ) I like you.
Funny man.
To laugh at, not to be though.
Listen, we have no time
for this nonsense.
Ooh, pull over here.
What? Did you hit
your head back there, Glenn?
We have to get my mom's car.
You told me I need to figure
out a way to win Karen back.
So I figure I should
"follow through"
by picking up my nephew
at karate class.
Good news. Wilson just qualified
for the all-valley tournament.
Bad news. The cab just drove away
with our last shred of hope.
We don't have any money. Do you?
Nah. Karen canceled
my credit cards
after I bought a side of
beef over the internet.
Last year, this dude, he gave me
colored meatballs in my Easter basket.
- Well, you owe my mom a car.
- People.
Excuse me if I'm not
concerned with
how your mother drives
to water aerobics every morning.
- People!
- Have you ever wanted something
so bad that you would
lie, cheat, and steal
just to get it?
People! You're not gonna
believe this.
Our pit stop may actually
be a lucky break.
Her bus passes
right by here on its route.
In fact...
Karen, I did it!
I picked up Wilson.
I'm a changed man.
Just look out your win... dow.
Oh!
Feels like my heart
just got run over by a bus.
Okay, new ideas.
New ideas.
Shout 'em out if you got 'em.
I think I'm having
a heart attack.
You're not having
a heart attack.
Wait. Are you having
a heart attack?
( Siren wailing )
( wheezing )
Yeah, he's not having
a heart attack.
Probably anxiety, or gas.
My money's on gas.
- Then why are we going to the hospital?
- Standard procedure.
What kind of insurance
do you have, Mr. Bufferton?
Insurance? At today's rates?
I had Karen drop that
months ago.
I guess you're gonna
have to pay out of pocket.
Wilson. Wilson, jump out, buddy.
Come on.
( Wheezing )
I think I'm having
a heart attack.
Oh, just fart already!
You know, running through
all those red lights
in that ambulance
actually made up time,
and I think the hospital
might be nearby.
Search Gal, find me Nico Repo.
Mapping route to Beepo's Tacos.
Why? Why must you buy
these off-brand smart phones?
Lay off Search Gal.
Voice recognition technology
is an imperfect science.
I could go for
some Beepo's tacos.
Find me Nico Repo Depot
and Car Wash.
Nico Repo Depot
and Car Wash located.
Distance: .7 miles.
Somebody owes Search Gal
an apology.
Will do. Let's go.
Did nobody hear me
about Beepo's tacos?
( Groans )
Guys, I cannot
stress this enough.
Beepo's Tacos al pastor?
Well worth the visit.
Could we just please
refocus on the part
where we get my mom's car back
before it's stripped for parts?
( All laughing )
Spray 'em!
Is anyone else getting the vibe
that logic and reason are off
the table with this bunch?
Even if we had the money,
it's not like they would
just hand over the car.
At least, not without us
leaving here with wet crotches.
Wilson! You're trained
in physical combat.
Any advice, broheim?
My advice?
I don't care.
I got a party to be at.
Roger that, broheim.
Well, it looks like
we're stuck, broheims.
Stop saying broheim.
Hey, Russell, could you just
knock me out and wake me up
when I'm
a licensed driver, please?
I say we ram their defenses
at the joints
to test its integrity.
Or what about that sewage
pipe you've got your foot on?
Property values here
must be terrific.
( Water dripping )
Maybe it tunnels
underneath the fence.
Unfortunately, it's too tight
for any of us to crawl through.
Not for the smallest
kid in the world.
For the record,
I chafed my elbow
and had to suck in my gut,
so, you know, not that small.
You look like you could
be in my grade.
For reals.
You know, if you weren't eight.
Dream on, short round.
Whoa ho ho! Burn!
Why don't you two just go
sit quietly over there.
Maybe work on a speech
to win your wife back,
'cause it's the point
of the whole mission.
Russell, I'm really not sure
this is a good idea.
Please. I'll just crawl
through mole-man style,
liberate your mom's car,
and we'll be rippin' across
Knobbler's Field in no time.
I still haven't said
yes to that.
You always take
my advice in the end.
You're doin' great, Russell.
And you do not have
a newly discovered fear
of closed places.
( Shrieks, pants )
Human head.
It's just a mannequin head.
That's...
equally as creepy.
I can't see him anymore, guys.
His mom makes him wear
those sneakers
with the reflective patches.
You know, you remind me of me
when I was young.
Why? Why would you ever
say that to me?
You are single-minded
in purpose,
just like I was.
That's how I landed Karen.
And believe you me,
that girl was way
out of my league.
That's nothing like... me.
Of course, I had
to sacrifice stuff to get her.
She hated my dream
of going to clown college,
so that went bye-bye.
But these are the choices
you make for a lady
who lifts you up
to a whole new level.
So what if I cry
in the basement
while making balloon
animals in secret?
It's worth it.
And it'll be
worth it for you, too.
Oh, it wasn't so bad.
I had a loyal friend
to talk to.
Wore orthopedic shoes.
I used to call him my sidekick.
You know,
now that I think about it,
I guess it sounds
nothing like you.
Yeah, Mark. Nothing like you.
Russell! ( Voice echoing )
Stuck? The irony.
( Cell phone rings )
Search Gal, answer.
Mapping route to Beepo's Tacos.
Search Gal, kill! Kill!
Kill command accepted.
Shutting down now.
( phone powers down )
( whispering )
Search Gal, help me.
Oh! I ate seven bags
of cotton candy that night.
You have reached
the voice-mail of...
Guys, he's not picking up.
It's really not a good sign.
Russell doesn't get
that many phone calls,
so he never lets them
go to voice-mail.
Wait a minute.
You two can afford
phone plans with "voice-mail"?
( Wheezing laugh )
Who are you, Jay Z.?
Listen, we don't get
my mom's car back,
we can kiss both Ashley
and your wife good-bye.
That's horrible. Who's Ashley?
( Cell phone rings )
It's Ashley.
You are a conjurer
of evil things.
- Hey, girl!
- Quick question.
What's your favorite
kind of cupcake?
Fair warning: Amber Valeen's
favorite is ganache,
so you'll probably have
ganache all over your car.
- Oh. So Amber's coming too?
- Fun, right?
Is there anybody else
I need to get a cupcake for?
Uh...
Well, does Monica Delmonico's
pool have a shallow end?
And if so,
specifically, how shallow?
- Uh, I guess I could check.
- You know what? Never mind.
Not to be a stick in the mud,
but my mom's car
has sort of an intimate feel,
and what with the expanding
passenger list...
Oh, totally.
Hey, you know Dean Greeves
just got his license,
and a new SUV that has tons
of room, so we could just...
Vanilla. Get me vanilla.
Bye, girl.
I knew it.
The sharks are circling.
Stupid mole-man plan.
I'm the one with
things at stake here.
Russell is gonna mole-man me
out of my new life.
Okay, okay.
The only way to free Russell,
get my mom's car back,
and get back on the road
to your wife
is to get on the other
side of that fence.
The only question is how.
All right, impromptu
brainstorming session.
Shout 'em out if you got 'em.
Phone delivery man! Skydiving!
Delivery man! Time travel!
You said delivery man
twice, Glenn.
That's how much
I believe in it.
Wilson.
Nothin'?
Lay off, bro.
I'm about to clear level three.
While I agree that
video games may offer
most of life's answers,
I really don't think...
Wilson! You're a genius!
Oh!
Whoo!
Didn't shower after
karate, did you, buddy?
Chicks dig the musk.
As you can see, I've come
to my own rescue once again.
You're welcome.
Once I am safely
on the other side,
you two gentlemen can
scurry over by way of
this crude but sturdy rope,
meticulously engineered
from two undershirts,
a pair of khakis,
an old trash bag,
and Wilson's
yellow karate belt.
Congratulations,
by the way, man.
- That's really something to be proud of.
- Whatevs.
- Yeah?
- Shouldn't you be wearing a helmet?
( laughs ) Totally unnecessary.
Taking into consideration
your height and, uh,
doughy build,
your downward force
should launch me into the sky,
I pull my shirt taut,
simulating the aerodynamics
of your average fruit bat,
allowing me to sail over
the fence,
and land safely on that filthy,
gross mattress right over there.
Don't have to raise your hand.
You, uh, take physics
in school?
Nope. Chemistry.
But the principles
are more or less the same.
The math is sound.
Sounds like genius forgot
to carry a two.
Hope you like
the taste of dirt.
Trust me.
Jump.
Abort!!
( Weakly ) Ta-da.
Man, I should've just
stayed in that ambulance.
Wow!
You must feel
so stupid right now.
What does it feel like
to be that stupid?
ANGELA: Move it, chumps.
Come on, give
the poor kid a break.
He doesn't even know
what state he's in.
Why you gotta
ruin things, Angela?
Yeah, why you gotta
ruin things?
- Go get me a juice box.
- ( Whip cracking )
Hey, don't make me
send you to bed.
You knuckleheads try
and stay out of jail
while I get
this sack of meat's car.
I'm just gonna
lay here and clear my head.
You know what's good for that?
A bath.
Am I done yet?
Nope. I got a coupon.
Buy one, get one free.
That wasn't so bad.
( Mimicking brothers ) "Butt out, Angela.
You ruin everything."
You butt out.
Don't make me have to hurt you.
I don't want to,
but I will tase you.
My sidekick is in peril.
You're gonna tase me?
With your Taser?
That's what I said.
You are adorable.
You know what?
I'm gonna let you have this.
You're too kind.
You know, as much as
this industrial-strength soap
really stings, it doesn't sting
nearly as bad as
those five failures
I was telling you
about earlier.
So if anyone understands
your frustration at the world,
it's me.
The man is our enemy,
not each other.
I beseech you.
Let us part as friends, huh?
The best of friends.
What say you?
Is that the majority opinion?
Hop in, buddy.
- I took a hostage.
- What?!
- Get 'em.
- Stay back.
The tiny one is a maniac.
He is gonna tase me.
With his Taser.
I'm so mad, I wanna yank off
another mannequin head.
You should probably
cool it with that, bro.
Cool nothing.
I have three words, gentlemen.
Beast Mode.
Wilson, where's your uncle?
Uncle by marriage, dude.
Sh!
Be still.
Russell's got you.
Let me be your hero.
Hero? You are the least
heroic hero
in all of hero history.
( Waves crashing,
seagulls cawing )
I will shove that thing
down your...
So, Russell tells me
you two are best friends.
Best friends don't make things
go from bad to worse.
I had the situation
under control.
You look like a seagull
cleaned up after an oil spill.
So I swooped in
and saved the day.
That's how heroes roll.
You've seen me play
Capture the Flag.
Yeah, I have.
You take it way too far.
The point is to
capture the flag.
Okay, you kidnapped their queen
and gave them new
and interesting reasons
to hate me.
Not to mention we lost
the one guy
who can end this nightmare.
Because his phone
was in his pants,
and his pants were in
your ill-conceived rope.
A hero wouldn't have
made that mistake.
Oh, you're not a hero.
You're not even
a good sidekick.
Somebody needs couples therapy.
You know, you're welcome
to leave whenever.
Oh, I'm staying.
Any time away from my brothers
is a breath of fresh air.
No joke; The whole house
smells like meatballs and B.O.
And technically speaking,
I'm the only licensed driver.
Well, then,
technically speaking,
thrilled to have ya.
I emerged from the underworld
reborn like a phoenix.
How could I not be the hero?
Okay, okay, guys.
We're dangerously close to
going off the rails here.
The most important thing now
is to just find
our last, best hope.
Hey, check out this weirdo
drifter on that tiny bike.
Is he not wearing pants?
Oh, sweet mercy, you're here.
My calves are on fire.
You should be
ashamed of yourself.
- Abandoning us, leaving your nephew.
- By marriage!
The only way my family
line has survived
is by fleeing at
the first sign of danger.
Get in the car, Glenn.
I can't. My legs are useless.
And I gotta return this bike
to that sweet little girl.
If he asks me to massage
a cramp, I quit.
- ( Cell phone beeps )
- Not that you need my help,
but we're right near the bus's
third stop at Dearborn Junction.
Glenn, we have to move,
and we have to move right now.
You're gonna have
to massage my legs.
WILSON: Not it!
Oh, man, they got
a Beepo's taco truck?
This party's gonna be
off the hook.
This party's for third graders?
Don't hate the playa.
Hate the game.
By the way, nobody mention
that I'm wearing my mom's
aerobic shirt, all right?
It was in the trunk,
and it's dry.
Plus I look really good
in violet.
I hope your mom's rig
can run on fumes,
because I don't know if
I trust the gas gauge
with all the dead weight
we're carrying.
I think he's talking about you.
And not that I deserve
any credit
for saving the mission
from certain failure yet again,
but the bus stop
is coming up fast.
Glenn, I hope you have
your speech prepared.
Just the dance sequence. But I'm
pretty sure the words will come.
- Then let's do this!
- ( Siren wailing )
- Come on! - Really?
- You owe me a wife!
Guys, emergency vehicles
have the right of way.
Test number four.
I know what I'm doing.
Hey, aren't those the guys
who stiffed us
on our transport fee?
Maybe we can get
20 bucks out of them for lunch.
The rules of the road
are rules for a reason.
Back me up, Glenn.
Sorry? I was distracted by this
ambulance barreling towards us.
They found us! Scatter!
What a wuss.
You're the one
who owes them money.
Wait up!
( Siren in the distance)
- ( car honks )
- Whoa Whoa!
Come on! Today is not the day.
Ah, it's more trouble
than its worth.
I've to go pick up the guy that
fell out of that
hot air balloon.
( Sighs )
GIRL: We'll take three
of the ganache, please.
( Whispers )
Oh, the universe hates me.
( Sighs )
Don't hide from me.
I see you.
There you are.
Yummy vanilla.
Hiding behind the red velvet.
We'll take these too, please.
So, is that nice Mark boy
still taking you
to Monica's pool party?
Not sure.
We do weird phone call.
I think Dean Greaves
might be taking us.
Crowd management,
real time traffic for miles,
fuel consumption,
road snacks...
I give and I give and
all he does is take.
Don't even get me started.
I feel like that with
my brother sometimes too.
Well, all the time, actually.
The important thing is
not to take it personally.
Specially since we have
no idea where he went.
I stand corrected.
What are you dummies
doing just sitting here?
Ashley is in that store,
along with a million questions
that I don't know how to answer.
Oh, these cup cakes are perfect.
Watch where you're going!
( Ashley screams )
( gasps )
OK. If Ashley sees us...
she's going to ask Dean Greaves
to take her to the party.
Super.
MARK: Not super!
Totally super.
Dean Greaves is terrific.
Charming, dreamy eyes.
Plays guitar.
When life gives
you Dean Greaves,
you make Dean Greaves hate.
( Imitates Russell )
Oh good.
Ashley's gone.
( Police radio )
And Glenn just got arrested.
Call me.
Well, they're
reducing the charges
for him stealing
the little girl's bike.
But, he's still in the hook
for being in his underwear.
Yo! I got places to be!
This karate body needs protein.
So, now we have to bail him out
and save his marriage?
Where are we supposed
to get seventy five bucks?
And $25 for him
being in his underwear.
He told me that
was a bathing suit.
He said it was because he did
not have any more clean laundry.
( Heaves )
It's times like this
you have to ask yourself.
Wouldn't it be
easier if you just
build your own pool and
have your own party?
I've got a really good idea.
Why doesn't Russell call
his new best friend,
Dean Greaves to come in
and save the day.
I know you're just being
flippant, but he totally would.
Remember those?
He saved from those wild dogs.
Yo, check it!
A Happy Scratcher!
Wilson got three pineapples
and a dollar sign.
Cha-ching, yo!
Is he speaking emoji?
Check it.
Wilson's flush.
( All panic )
Those are my grandpa's
Happy Scratchers
and mine by birthright.
And you have to be eighteen
to cash them in, tough guy.
Hand over the tickets, Wilson.
( Car locks )
- ( car unlocks )
- ( Car locks)
- ( car unlocks )
- ( Car locks)
( car unlocks
and locks simultaneously )
( punching sounds )
Let a real man handle this.
I just want to put you
in my pocket.
Bring it.
( Moans )
I draw the line at hitting
eight year olds.
Unless they're family.
We need that ticket, Wilson.
What's it going to take?
Got karate master's
head honor, Wilson.
Where's the honor in blackmail?
When Wilson's late
for a jammy-jam...
Wilson plays dirty.
So the kid will do anything
to get to a super cool
popular kid party.
Sure that's something
you can get behind.
And I'm sure there's
a gas station near by.
Just saying.
You know, with our
suspicious gas gauge.
Just tell me
where the street is.
Or should we get Dean Greaves
to navigate for us?
If you had quit bickering like
a couple of cats in a bag,
you'd see that big dope's
jammy-jam is right there.
( Indistinct crowd )
Short guy,
Mitch,
girl whose name
I can't remember,
catch you on the flip.
( Sighs )
Wilson.
Don't tell me it's a pool party.
No doubt. Wilson's gonna
get his snuggle on.
I really need to
get that license.
Let's go bail Glenn out.
Unless...
Don't you dare say Dean Greaves.
- Then we should really...
- Don't you dare
say Knobbler's Field!
My mom's car has been
through enough already.
Knobbler's Field
is off the table.
Dean Greaves is off the table!
You know what?
Anything that comes out
your mouth, off the table!
You say that now, Forehead.
- ( Gasps )
- But you always
take my advice in the end.
Hey! It's just a pool party.
Just a pool party?
Just a pool party?
This license.
Leveling up. Ashley.
It is everything to me!
Boy, I close my eyes...
You almost sound like Glenn.
Who wants to go to
a pool party with Glenn?
Who wants to go to
a pool party with you?
With your cheap phones
and your Mole Man
and your sparkling
cider lunches.
- Brunches!
- Oh, whatever!
It's embarrassing.
And plus, you were
never even invited.
( Snorts )
No. I don't need
your stupid pool party.
I got Wilson's. Have fun
choking on your sixth failures.
Fine! Go!
We'll move faster without you.
Kinda takes the wind
out of your sails
when you gotta stop in
the middle of your big moment.
Doesn't it, drama queen?
Test number one.
Three seconds.
Not before. Not after.
But, squarely at the stop sign.
I don't write the rules, Angela.
Nope. You just die by them.
GLENN:
Thanks again for springing me
from the big house, guys.
Now, back to our Karen quest.
MARK: Guys.
Oh!
Frosty in here.
I haven't felt anything
this tense since.
Knifey Pete and New Fish Wingo
went at it in the yard.
It did not end well
for Knifey Pete.
Well, while you were making
colorful new friends...
Let me catch you up on what
happened here in the real world.
Bail money for you...
Karate fights...
A conga line of blue-hairs.
Mark chased away
his only friend.
One more thing.
We missed the bus's final stop
before Steubensville
and our last chance of catching
your wife is slipping away.
All right. Can it with
the monologue, Shakespeare.
Work that peddle.
Why?
What's the point?
We're never going to
beat her bur to Steubensville.
We're doomed.
Unless some sign appears
out of nowhere
to magically show us the way.
GLENN:
We are making excellent time.
Great idea, Mark.
( Sighs )
So you're just going to
keep on driving?
Like nothing's wrong?
I have no idea what
you're talking about.
Even when he's not here,
he's saving your butt.
Not cool, bro!
OK! Fine!
Yeah, Russell scored with
a Knobbler's Field shortcut.
So what? Doesn't mean
he's right about everything.
You know, he told me
to close the sun roof,
so the bugs wouldn't get in.
Nothing's happened there.
Doesn't count. Too delightful.
These things
on the other hand...
A menace.
MARK: Stop! Stop! Stop!
GLENN: He is literally
inside my nostrils.
Oh, Russell was right
about the sun roof.
Whoa!
GLENN: Am I OK? I think it
might have scratched me.
No. No, you're good.
OK. Russell was right
about two things. So what?
Even a broken clock
is right twice a day. Right?
Wha-what's that flashing
nozzle on the dash mean?
( All grunting )
MARK: Oh, come on.
Put your back into it.
The gas station's less
than a mile this way.
Over the river and
through the woods.
Somebody suggested
we fill up earlier.
Something about
a faulty gas gauge.
The name's on
the tip of my tongue.
OK! OK! All right!
I admit it. Russell was right.
He was right about everything.
The shortcut. The sun roof.
The gas gauge. The dead weight.
I think he's talking about you.
You name it,
Russell was right about it.
Hey.
Don't take it so hard.
I mean, look around.
It's beautiful here.
And someone recently told me
that dickcissel is
in mating season.
That was Russell.
( Sighs )
Yeah, I miss that kid.
He's great.
I wanted him to come
to the pool party.
I really did.
He's just nervous.
He can come out
a little strong sometimes.
I mean, you guys have never
seen him play capture the flag.
I don't blame you Mark.
I mean, when my buddy
with the orthopedic shoes
started cramping my style,
I dropped him like a bad habit
and went straight to Karen town.
But, not because
of the orthopedic shoes.
That's prejudice.
Sweet gherkin.
I am glad.
I guess Russell was
right about everything.
Can't believe it.
I was embarrassed
about him but...
I- I should have
been embarrassed about me.
I choked.
I choked at friendship.
( sighs )
And the truth shall
set you free.
Though technically
we're still stuck in a field...
in the rain...
because of you.
Who cares about
that stupid pool party.
I would rather just spend
the rest of my days
as a regular Mark,
as long as I just got
my best friend back.
RUSSELL: That would sound
lovely in a tasteful card.
Quality card stock.
Something classy.
Eggshell is nice.
- ANGELA: Oh, Russell!
- MARK: Buddy!
Tell me you brought food.
How'd you know we'd be here?
What can I say? You always
take my advice in the end.
Snap!
Plus, I-I knew you'd
forget to gas up,
and I know how much
that party means to you.
That an-and not
dying in a field.
You do know me.
So, how was Wilson's pool party?
He said I was on the list.
Big Dub does run with a
pretty exclusive party crowd.
Primo cake, I'm told.
MARK: You know,
when this is all over,
I owe you a
sparkling cider brunch.
RUSSELL: Oh, Mark.
Those are so last year.
( All sighing and gasping )
All right.
Tank full.
No permanent injuries.
Russell's earned a well
deserved power nap.
I can't understand why
I like him so much.
I think he reminds me
of the doll I once had.
Yo, Glenn,
how's that speech coming?
"You are the corn to my cob"
"and are at
your best with butter."
Karen loves butter.
Keep thinking.
You know, I'm proud
of you, Mark.
You shook it off and,
lo and behold,
the light at
the end of the tunnel.
( Car honking )
You know, the problem with the
light at the end of the tunnel,
there's always a darkness
right behind you.
Oh, no.
Beast mode.
Here's Nicos!
How did they find us?
You know, I may have
mentioned Steubensville
in that fourth or
fifth grid cycle.
Right before that really
moving speech I gave earlier.
He told us exactly
where he's going to be
in that super dumb speech
he gave earlier.
What an idiot!
There she is!
Is that the bus?
Did I say, "Throw it to me?"
So much optimism
in such a tiny body.
We're gaining.
Wait! Pull over here.
- What?
- Are you crazy?
You owe me a power nap!
Non negotiable pit stop.
Trust me.
I know what I'm doing.
OK. When you
put it that way, no!
Stubborn as a mule.
Just like I was when
I was your age.
MARK: Get out!
I don't know how quick an ulcer
can form in a teenage body
but, ho, ho, ho!
I swear he's helped me
set a record.
Come on.
Carrots and vegetables.
Point Glenn.
( Car screeches )
By the way, why is your dry cleaner
all the way in Steubensville?
Cheapest rates around.
( Groans )
All right. We're
on the goal line
with two seconds left
on the clock.
We're unstoppable!
We're going to strap your ride!
And eat your bones!
Would you believe me
if I told you
he was the one
with most potential.
One car length. One car length!
I mean, you guys
are seeing this right?
My last test.
Young man...
I may not have always shown it,
but I admire your commitment
to vehicular safety.
Oops!
MARK: Even when you
try to be nice,
you ruin things.
Yo, tie this suit
behind the seat,
we'll swap it for cash
at the Suit Palace later.
( Cellphone ringing )
GLENN: Sorry, ah, ah, Ashley.
Um, Mark can't come
to the phone right now.
Um, he's under
extreme pressure,
and I don't want him
soiling his pants
in front of pretty girl.
Mark, Hello?
Hello, Ashley.
That was my uncle, we're
taking him to the hospital.
Something's not right
with his head.
But Mark is really...
Double bag, double bag...
Suitcase on the left.
RUSSELL: Designer
man purse straight ahead.
GLENN: Snowboard.
Ah... I don't get it.
( Gasps )
ALL: Ah!
( All grunting )
Is Mark there?
Yes, I mean, yes.
I'm here.
I know I was weird earlier,
but, I learned something today.
A pool party
is just a pool party.
Is that party really worth it
if you're not partying in the
pool with people you love?
I was actually just calling
to remind you
to bring sunscreen,
it's supposed to be pretty hot.
Mark, do you still want to go
to this party with me?
Miss a party
with nice-teeth Ashley?
Never.
Oh, exciting news.
I decided to bring a plus one.
Or more accurately,
a plus half.
( Russell screams )
See you at the party.
MARK: All right,
it's the end of our quest.
As long as we don't
screw the things up.
I think...
There's only one way
this can go down.
We're gonna have
to cannonball this thing.
Or we could just meet her
at the station.
My situation demands
a grand gesture.
It's go big
or go home, broheim.
Or go die,
which is the more
likely outcome.
Glenn, get back in the car.
Too late. This is my destiny.
MARK: Glenn, this is crazy.
How are you gonna even hold on?
You let me worry about that.
( Music playing )
GLENN:
Toodle-bear! Karen! Karen!
Karen!
( screeching ) Toodle-bear!
MARK: Please don't be dead.
Please don't be dead...
Clown college means
everything to me, Karen.
Please tell me I can go.
Sure.
Baby, just get in the car.
I love you, Toodle-bear.
I hope he doesn't
remember any of this.
Because we're not paying
for clown college.
There she is,
we're not too late.
All we have to do is
just buy Glenn a few minutes.
Unless a few minutes
is all he has left.
MARK: Ah.
Slow down, Forehead.
I've a perfectly
normal-sized forehead.
You think you can
cost me my license,
steal my sister,
ding up my
beast-mode accessories,
and get off scot-free?
Technically,
we borrowed your sister,
and if it makes
feel any better,
I'm sure I could find some
reasonably priced
beast-mode accessories
on the internet.
Ugh, again?
Why do we have
to be those people?
Angela...
You need to learn
when to speak up,
and when to keep
your mouth shut.
RUSSELL: And you...
need to learn to relax.
( Fighting )
RUSSELL: My head!
I don't want
to embarrass you, Gino,
but you just got three-seconded
by someone who weighs
less than a bag of sugar.
Russell, can I just say...
wow, I was...
It was simply majestic, man.
I mean...
Don't mention it,
that's what heroes do.
- ANGELA: Ooh.
- MARK: You see, here I am,
just trying to give you
a nice compliment...
Uh, fellas?
( Background chatter )
Go get that license.
Oh, good, you're awake.
Are you sure that
this is what you want?
This is what I always wanted.
Shia LaBeouf,
I have always wanted
your autograph.
Ah, Mrs. Glenn?
Bufferton.
I'm so sorry, I'm not sure
if you took his last name.
If not I completely
understand why.
Um, but your husband,
he's got something
desperately to tell you.
What's wrong with him?
Outside of the usual stuff?
I'd say probably head trauma.
Look. I think it's great that
Glenn is making new friends,
but, I've been
over this before,
the spark is gone and so am I.
Mrs. Glenn, I know you've got
reason to doubt him, but...
Today, your husband
has pulled a calf muscle,
done time,
picked up out-of-the-way
dry cleaning,
put together a four,
may be a five serviceable
romantic speeches,
babysat a self-entitled
karate champ.
My mother's waiting.
He-he bounced off
a bus for you.
- No, he didn't.
- Yes, he did.
He did all that stuff.
For you.
You may think that you want
a more glamorous life,
you know, one with
voice mails and a new car,
but don't be so quick to throw
away what you already have.
'Cause what you already have has
been fighting for you all day.
And if you have
someone in your life
that knows you're
worth fighting for,
then you're right,
that's not a spark.
Mrs. Glenn, that's a fire.
H- how do I know he'll change?
You don't.
But if you walk away now,
you're gonna blow it.
Just trust me.
I know a thing or two
about choking the clutch.
Oh...
Oh, I hate crying,
almost as much as I hate fur.
Oh.
Toodle-bear?
Is that you?
Oh, honey, I miss you so much.
I picked up your dry cleaning.
It's scattered over Highway 46.
Oh!
They're not strangling
each other,
that's gotta be
a good sign, right?
- Yeah.
- True love.
You know it when you see it.
We did it! We did it!
Good-bye, booger-covered rump!
Hello, Ashley!
It's been fun, boys.
But I should probably get back
to my gang of knuckleheads.
It's almost dinnertime,
and none of them are allowed
to use a stove.
Hey, Angela.
It wasn't a Taser,
it was an inhaler.
I know.
Oh.
So this is what
victory feels like.
Yeah, it is!
( Both cheering )
Can you believe it, man?
We're just a twenty-minute
drive from the DMV,
and only a signature away
from the Promised Land.
Mr. Ninety-two percent pays off,
Thank you, internet.
No, I'm actually glad
we helped him.
You do good things
for good people,
and good things just happen.
WOMAN: Mark!
Mark!
Ashley and Dean,
do make a cute couple.
You should probably
start working out.
Cannonball!
Glenn.
Why are you doing this?
Promises were made,
deals were struck.
Please come back.
( Mark screams )
Glenn's a jerk.
I can't believe he left us.
After everything
we did for him.
What kind of a selfish monster
abandons his friends
and loved ones without
so much as second thought?
You gotta call Angela, dude.
She's only our legal chaperon.
I can't call Angela.
We left on such a high.
Just when I thought this day
couldn't get
any more humiliating.
I think it's kind of fun.
( Tow truck towing )
Pick up the pace, slick,
and don't tell your sister.
Yes, sir. Right away, sir.
( Tow truck towing )
I just thought of
a few other things
you can drive
without a license.
Golf cart.
Jet ski.
Maybe like a big drill.
That might be
a special class of license.
Thanks, buddy, but...
I really don't have it
in me to be cheered up.
Most important thing
to do now...
is to just make sure
that I'm not grounded
for the rest of my life.
On a scale of one to ten,
how important's that to you?
( Mark gasps )
There you guys are.
We've been looking
for you everywhere.
RUSSELL: Grounded for a month?
You must be hating life
pretty hard right now.
Ugh, it's not so bad.
I got my loyal buddy
right across the way.
It'll go by in a snap.
So, I guess back
to the bus on Monday.
And every day.
Not for long.
Heroes never say die.
Hey, in case
you didn't realize,
you didn't choke today.
Sure, you gagged a little.
RUSSELL:
But the luggage slalom,
the maniac squirrel,
your magnificent speech,
you passed your test.
Even if you didn't you know...
pass your test.
You should be proud
of regular Mark.
Thanks, buddy.
You meant both
of us before, right?
- We're both the heroes.
- Yes.
( laughter )
MAN: Thank you.
WOMAN:
Oh, Glenn, you are a hoot!
Who might this stranger be?
And what has
this stranger told you?
I think somebody has
a little explaining to do.
How could you keep
this as a secret?
Ah, ah...
I'm sure he was just
trying to surprise you.
I mean, he-he got so excited,
he left before
I could even tell him.
Sometimes people
just get so caught up
in the moment they take off.
You know, I hear that's a thing.
But since your house is so close
to my favorite corn dog stand,
I'd figured
I'd drop it off myself.
Congratulations, you earned it!
Looks like the coolest cat
in this household
just got a little bit cooler.
By the way,
you wouldn't happen to have
a pair of boxer briefs
I could borrow, would you?
I'm on day two
of a bathing suit
and no clean laundry.
Hey, that was really nice
of your parents
to suspend your grounding
for the pool party.
Yeah, Yeah,
they're good like that.
Listen, I...
I wanna thank you
for what you did,
everything you went through.
You're a better man than I.
Glenn, could you say that
one more time for me, please?
You are a better man than I.
You have no idea
how good it feels,
to hear you say that to me.
I'm just glad I could help
you out with your dream.
I know you helped me with mine.
Oh!
Togo's my lab partner
in clown college.
Guy is a genius with seltzer.
( Honk honk )
Classic Togo.
I'm sorry if this is
a stupid question, but...
- Where's your wife?
- What's that now?
Karen?
The woman that we chased
halfway across the state.
Epic Adventures Karen?
Oh, yeah, it didn't work out.
GLENN: She was right, no spark.
So, we parted ways.
But, our little quest
sure got my fire going.
I re-enrolled in North Dakota
Central State Clown College
last night.
You were so good
at your old job.
To be honest with you,
I was just coasting.
Would you believe
I passed over ninety-two
percent of my testees?
Ninety-two percent.
( Rap music playing )
You don't say.
Life is beautiful
So full of blessings
Each day is
a brand new lesson
Take a breathe
to ease your stressing
What you have
is so impressing
Coming together
people coalescing
If you don't know you
can stop your guessing
And we'll provide
with one suggestion
Then you'll find
there's no contesting
So, I vault over the wall,
mimic the wing span
of a common fruit bat,
and, much like said fruit bat,
I achieved flight.
- That's amazing.
- Yeah.
That was some flight,
fruit bat.
RUSSELL: My journey through the
sewer was far more dangerous.
Don't you just wanna
put him in your pocket?
He's hilarious.
I'm happy we decided
to keep things small.
Oh, no, you didn't.
Oh, settle down, girlfriend.
Come on.
You know, I'm really glad we decided
to come to this party together.
Yeah, well, I'm really glad
I got my license.
I would have come with you even
if your mom had to drive.
I was just looking for an
excuse to hang out with you.
Come on
It's a great day
sunny and warm
No clouds in the sky
no traces of a storm
Come on, silly.
Expressions on the faces
of the people as they stop
That's how it is
it's a positive lifestyle
Oh, yes livin' it
so fresh livin' it all
Knocking down
a obstacle like a wall
Impossible to fall
because you have wings
Get up, get on your feet
We got something
you should see
Thanks so much
for getting my vanilla.
You're welcome.
Did I tell you that
I'd to buy these twice?
Some crazy man in his underwear
ruined the first box.
He actually kinda looks
like that clown over there.
Hey there, little fellow.
Enjoy your poodle.
( Squeak squeak )
I'm sure that's
just a coincidence.