Massacre on Aisle 12 (2016) Movie Script
1
Santa you know, you keep staring,
you better give her a tip.
This ain't no free peep show.
Mother hey!
Santa you know what that means.
Santa course you can take
a picture with Santa
just go tell mom it's
gonna cost twenty bucks.
Tara
welcome to Mr. Beavers.
Shopper
idiot, watch where you're going.
Cashier
welcome to Mr. Beavers
welcome to Mr. Beavers
what?
Pictures with
Santa's over there.
Dave
oh, no. I'm Dave.
I'm starting tonight.
Are you asking me or
are you telling me?
I'm supposed to meet Jack.
Try the vending machines.
Okay.
Is it...
Female newscaster ho, ho, hold your
horse gift givers. There's still time
to buy presents with many
retailers staying open late
on Christmas Eve to cash
in on last minute shoppers.
Male newscaster speaking of cashing in,
police are looking for two men who
robbed an armored
car this afternoon.
Male newscaster police say these
men are armed and dangerous.
Anyone with information on the
so called Santa hat bandits
is urged to contact the
crime stoppers hotline.
Jack ahhhhhh!
Jack
ah! Ah!
Jack what do you want?
Pictures with Santa's out there.
Dave uh no, umm, I'm Dave.
I start work here tonight.
Oh, hey, Jack.
Sorry buddy.
Right.
I get a little, little upset
when I don't get my fritter.
Dave right.
And this machine...
Just like my ex.
Jack took my money and
didn't give me no pie.
Huh.
These things are gonna be
the death of me anyway.
You want something?
No I'm, I'm good thank you.
You're good? They make
you start on Christmas Eve
because shit fucker Mitch
bails on us and you're good?
Well the bills have been
pilling up right. What can I do?
Tell them go fuck
themselves man.
That's what I would have done.
Man fuck this place.
This place sucks.
Aren't you the
assistant manager?
Oh yeah man, I am.
But I'm just here for the money.
I come here every day,
every single day.
Ready to blow my
fucking brains out.
I even got a special bullet
picked out just for the job.
Hollow point.
I'm just messin' with you man.
Over here's Tara.
Yo' Tara...
Jack Tara...
What?
This is Dave.
The new guy.
We already met,
in a near glorious moment
at this very register.
Don't be a bitch Tera.
It's his first night.
Save it till we're
sure he's staying,
then do the queen
super bitch thing.
Whatever.
Dave what are you reading.
Oh, it's really good.
It's called, um,
none of your fucking business
by leave me the fuck alone.
Ever heard of it?
I stopped going to school
like after two years. I mean
I want to be an actress so what
good is like math and science
and Greek theater anyway?
You know?
And then I got diagnosed
with anxiety disorder so
I had to start taking
Xanax, like, a lot. And
that kept me from
going back to school.
Jack she can't help it,
being a bitch and all.
She's got like some
chick disease in her 'wawa'
Jack takes pills and shit.
Dave I'm sorry did you say a
chick disease in her wawa?
What does that mean?
Totes don't know
bro, just what I heard.
Hmm. I mean I fucked
her and I'm alright.
Oh, do you guys
have health insurance?
Because my script
kind of ran out and,
I would totally blow someone
for a Xanax right now.
Okay.
Jack no. No, no, no. No cell
phones allowed in the store man.
Boss man will take that
from you lickity split
if he finds you with it.
Seriously?
We had uh, an incident
here, not too long ago.
We call it the uh, "great
Mr. Beavers iPhone fuck up"
basically it involved
somebody, won't name names,
takin' a shit in a
display toilet,
snap a cell phone picture.
Bamm! Instagram, Twitter,
hashtag Mr. Beaver's
display toilet hell.
Went viral; Got
like a million hits.
Anyway, corporate found out,
they yanked our cell phones.
That's... that's horrible.
I know right. What
right does that give them to
yank our cell phone privileges
fucking fascist man.
What no, no, no. Someone
actually took a shit,
in this display toilet.
Dude, yeah that happens
like three times a week.
No seriously, little kids,
the homeless, elderly people.
I've even dropped a
deuce in it before.
You take a shit in the store?
Not our toilets. I'm talkin'
like Lowes, or home depot
no. No I was not fired
from home depot.
Okay, who told you that?
O'tooney? He's full of shit.
I left on my own volition to
pursue other opportunities.
Look I was falsely accused of
shitting in a display toilet.
That's it. I left on my own.
It had nothing to do with that.
Boss hired a rent-a-clause for
Christmas. Barbie was my idea.
Dave she seems a little under
dressed for Christmas.
Jack oh, yeah.
Santa ho, ho, ho
here comes Santa
now, why don't you be a good girl... I'd
like to give her a kiss on her camel toe.
Jack you're hired.
Barbie
what really I got the job?
Oh my god I'm so excited.
When do I start?
I want to start right now.
Yaay... wait!
Hold up pal...
Do I get to keep my tips or do I
have to split them with Santa?
Jack you can keep the tip.
Yo, black Jack.
Black Jack what the
fuck do you want man?
Jack this here's Jackson Porter
we call him
black Jack because...
Obviously...
Can you believe this is
the assistant manager?
He thinks he's really
clever. What are you
writing in your book? Some
of your wack black Jack raps?
Man fuck you white bread.
I'll slit yo' damn throat.
Whatever man yeah I'm good with
all that. That's no problem
cause I'm so big and strong, but
I ain't yo' house nigga though.
A'ight so don't be puttin me
on that heavy liftin and shit
all the damn time.
That's what I did at
the other fucking store
and I didn't come
here to do that shit.
No lackey work for me.
Get ya' own nigga for that
shit. You know what I'm sayin'?
Dave so he's a writer?
Jack what because of
his scribble pad? No.
He's writin" his
ghetto ass gansta' life
prison logic in there.
You don't know that he
could be working on a book
or some poetry.
And besides, if he
rips you like that,
why don't you
guys just fire him?
Because our
manager, Mr. Kipper,
is the biggest
most pathetic pussy
in the entire history
of big pussies ever.
And he's terrified of
that black bastard.
In fact I'm pretty sure he's
terrified of all the coloreds.
Oh I uh, don't think we
refer to them as that anymore.
We do here.
Mr. Kipper
we do here what?
Mr. Kipper? Ha, ha, oh!
I was just tellin' the new guy
here what a tight ship you run.
Oh, well then
please. Keep talking.
Uh Dave, uh barns,
welcome aboard.
It's so good to have you
on my tight little ship.
Uh Jack, once you've
shown him around,
send him up to
the office alright.
There it is.
Oh my god dude,
how gay was that?
In, in what way?
I don't mean gay
like offensively gay.
I mean gay like he wants to
lick the perspiration
off your ass hole gay.
Oh. Uh, the real gay
way. Yeah no I got it.
Jack!
Otto did you leave those fritter
wrappers by that paint can
that spilled all over the
filling cabinet? Yes or no boy.
Jack uh no man, of course not.
My weaknesses?
What in the hell kind of
question is that?
Are you talkin about my
disability caused by some
fucking towel head who shot an
RPG up my ass during my fourth
combat mission killing no good
cock suckin' camel fuckin'
terrorist in Iraq while
you were in college
suckin' off your liberal
no good hippie professor
at your communist lovin' college
in upstate my daddy's a rich
prick bought me a Porsche
can't afford to pay his taxes
that would fund the fuckin'
veteran's hospital that
would fix my leg so I could
kick you in your
fuckin' teeth right now?
That disability?
Hey this is Dave, the new guy.
Dave this is Otto, he's our
store... maintenance guy.
New soldier huh?
You look good son.
Fit, I like that.
I'm the tactical maintenance
team leader which means
I extract and destroy all the
shit these dickwads leave behind
every time they
traipse through my store.
What? What are
you laughing at boy?
That funny?
That funny to you?
You like dumpin' paint
toxins all over the place?
The same brain degenerating
paint toxins that bin Ladin
dumped on my ass back in 2005
after I killed his herd of
goats he liked to fuck. Huh?
That's why I'm
blind in one eye boy.
Sorry... about the
blindness and all.
We got some important
orientation stuff to do,
so if you'll excuse us.
Oh do you? Do you?
So we're just...
Do you?
Yeah.
Well you make sure
this dumb fuck right here
that he knows the difference
between methyl butyl hexane
two and six because what I bet
your dumb ass doesn't know,
is it is easily confused
for dichlor ethane
which is what I used on Saddam
when I water boarded his ass.
Made his dick fall off.
Who's laughin now fucks?
Who's laughin now?
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
I think that guy's got
a serious case of PTSD.
How bout you say thank you
soldier, god bless America?
And tell me when
I fuckin' start.
This is the hydraulic crane.
Do not tough the hydraulic crane
until you get certified. Ever.
Wow. This thing is awesome.
This thing is like a
deadly weapon around here.
Alright. I-OSHA takes
this shit serious.
I take this shit serious.
Okay, you touch this
without getting certified.
You get fired. Or killed.
Crushed to death before you
even know what happened.
I'm for real man.
Big time danger.
Dude lost an arm
first time I was here.
Who?
Kipper fuckin freaks out over
this thing 16 times a day.
Ah!
Dave where are we going?
Jack up to see the boss.
Hey, are you cool?
About the elevator?
No man are you cool cool
what do you mean?
Do you do weed?
I've done some landscaping
no man pot.
No, no, no, no.
You're gonna have to start
if you want to be cool here.
Jack shhh! Where are you going?
Follow me.
Come on.
Dave what is this?
Old crawl space.
No body knows its up here.
Pharms, you up here?
Jack this is Dave, the new guy.
Dave oh, no, I'm good thank you.
Pharms marijuana is the
only way to escape
the drudgery of this place.
Plus this is some
real good Sinsemilla.
What's this one?
Oh. Its a new
mix I'm working on.
I call it sour purple turbo.
Oh yeah.
Try it.
Keep it down, he'll hear you.
Arms up.
Up in the air.
Pharms it's, uh, tetrahydrocannabinol
and diacetylmorphine.
Basically weed and heroin.
Pharms party foul.
Sorry.
Don't apologize to me.
What is that?
Pharms Bucky the Beaver.
Our idol.
I liberated him from
the corporate office
on a peyote
induced vision quest.
Now he resides here, watching
over and protecting us.
We do not offend Bucky.
So any party foul
committed in his presence
must be apologized for.
Jack alright.
And penance paid.
I was gonna get a fritter later.
We offer to Bucky so he may
forgive us our party fouls.
And shield us from
our misery and torment.
Sorry Bucky.
Dave guys, if its so miserable
here, why don't you just quit?
I figure Kipper's only
gonna' last so long
before he gets fired
for soliciting sex from
underaged boys online.
Then they'll make me manager.
He has sex with
underaged boys, here?
I don't know,
it's just a theory.
I keep watching that to catch a
predator show waitin to see him.
I get to experiment with
chemicals all day.
Do you have any idea, the
street value of this stuff?
Do I use illegal drugs now?
Do you mean illegal federally
or more on a state level?
Because I can take the drug test
I would just need about thirty
days to you know study for it.
Mr. Kipper Jack will show you the ropes.
He's my second in command.
You'll see we have a strong
mutual respect for each other.
I run a good, solid crew here.
Otto, the two Jacks, Terra.
She used to have a bit of a
substance abuse issue.
But, I'm happy to say, we
nipped that problem in the bud.
Now she's a model employee.
We're a team.
We help each other.
So I need you to
do somethin' for me.
Relax kiddo.
I just need to get your
measurements.
Let's start with your
shirt and penis size.
I'm sorry what?
Uh, pants size. Sorry.
Damn auto correct.
So how big are you?
Pants. And shirt.
Oh, um, thirty four long.
Uh, medium shirt maybe.
Ah, Dave.
We need to look our
best around here.
So we need exact
specifications for our uniforms.
It's no big deal.
I'll just take your
measurements on your shoulder.
And let me know if I make you
feel uncomfortable in any way.
Dave okay.
Mr. Kipper
Dave, you're so tense.
It's, uh, first day jitters.
I'm a little nervous.
Mr. Kipper
oh, no need for that.
Just think of me as
your friendly uncle.
So you're thirty four in slack.
No jeans? Because I can measure.
No, nope I'm good I got it yeah.
Okay. Alright then.
Oh. Cell phone.
You'll need to check
that in with me.
Come on, whip it out.
Come on get that out. Come on.
Thank you.
Mr. Kipper
there's nothing to worry about.
It's safe in here,
and no one can steal it.
See.
Oh and no one's gonna
look through it for any
sexting pictures you
may have left on it. Huh?
I, uh... Ha ha ha, come on.
Mr. Kipper oh, uh I need
you to go downstairs and
move a tool crib on aisle 12.
Get someone to help
you down there. Alight.
First assignment.
Go on... yeah.
Black Jack damn I think
the wheels are stuck.
Dave lift it.
Shit!
Fuckin' thing is heavy.
It's the heaviest
thing I've ever lifted.
Fuck!
Mr. Kipper
ummm... problem?
Kipper this thing's-
is slippery.
What's the matter?
Fuck it. Man I'll
tell you bout it later.
Okay?
Jack, assistance on aisle 12.
This is your ship's
captain speaking.
Mr.
- ah, yeah.
Mr. Kipper
you take that end.
Dave if you get on
bottom, I'll be on top.
Mr. Kipper oh. Ah. Alright
somethin' funny is goin' on here.
Maybe we should
open that darn thing up.
What's the matter?
We'll see?
Theft perhaps.
What?
Mr. Kipper do any of you
know this gentleman?
Sir, are you okay?
I think he's dead, Mr. Kipper
Jack, could you please
gather everyone together
for an impromptu store
meeting. Thank you very much.
Your attention please.
All employees
report to aisle 12.
That's the flooring aisle...
The one with the dead body...
Jack wonder what's in the bag.
Black Jack don't touch it man.
Why not?
Black Jack
look when the cops get here
they need this place un-fucked
with. Don't touch it.
I can un-zip the bag enough that
it won't fuck it all up.
Okay smart ass. When the cops
get here, be sure and tell them
that I said not
to touch anything.
Black Jack go ahead.
Whatever. New guy, grab it.
Dave what? I'm not
touchin' that thing.
Jack why not he's dead.
He's not gonna grab you.
Jack get it.
Fine.
Ah!
Jack scary...
Hey! You do not laugh
at assistant management.
Uh..
Jack oh!
Merry Christmas.
Black Jack oh shit.
Jack Christmas black
Jack no, no, no...
Put that shit back man.
Zip this bitch back up.
Put this shit back.
Hey man, put this shit
back and close this up.
Put it back. Put it back.
Put it back. Put it back.
Put it back!
You see how much is here?
Put this shit
back. Open it up.
Black Jack this is not some good shit.
You mother fuckers sittin here
laughin and shit like
it's Christmas time.
Jack this is great.
Fuck. In what book?
This ain't good.
Oh Jesus.
Otto sit rep boys.
Dave I don't know what aisle
they have the chairs in.
Otto situation report asshole.
Oh lord Jesus.
Man down. Man down.
Man down. Medical,
medic on aisle 12.
Medic on aisle 12, medic, medic.
We need a medic over here.
Yeah we figured it
out Otto. He's dead.
This man is dead when
I say he is dead son.
This man's dead.
Otto who the fuck is he?
I don't know. I don't know.
I don't know.
Well where's Kipper?
I don't know.
Black Jack I tell you what.
I'm callin' the cops.
Jack hey, hey, hey, not so fast
my chocolate faced friend.
Black Jack hey, motherfucker.
You say one more thing to me man
you will not be opening
Christmas presents tomorrow.
Otto Jackson, go get Mr. Kipper.
We need everyone here right now.
We need to keep
this area centralized.
We need to keep it contained
and free of all contaminants.
Who's the stiff?
We don't know.
Okay well, goodnight
everyone. Merry Christmas.
Happy Hanukkah.
Good Kwanza.
Stay right here Pharms.
You ain't goin' no where son.
It's nearly ten. I'm off.
Consider it hazardous duty pay.
Pfff.
Mr. Kippler. Are you okay?
I'm fine. Drink?
No man. I don't think you
should be drinkin' right now.
The cops will be
here in a little bit.
I'm just a bit nervie.
Black Jack look we all are.
But we need to get back down
stairs and get through this.
Mr. Kippler
alright.
Black Jack hey yo what
the fuck are you doin'?
Jack what?
Black Jack the fuck you mean what?
The money. I told you
not to touch anything.
Jack
do you know how much is here?
Black Jack man I don't
care how much is there.
This ain't your shit to
mess with man. The fuck
is wrong with you?
Hey this ain't Kumbayah
around here Dr. King.
This money's ours for HTE takin'
you mean to tell me you
can't use some of this to
get up out's the ghetto
or maybe buy momma's a house?
Santa I don't know that's
a lot of fuckin' money.
Hey, just shut the
fuck up Santa.
Ain't nobody
even talkin' to you.
Jack hey I don't know what
crawled up your black ass Jack,
but hear me now man, the
money there for the takin'
man fuck you.
Oh am I Jamaican you mad?
This money buy a
lot of Spears in Africa.
Bitch!
Fuckin' retard.
Mr. Kipper did you see that?
I think we all saw that.
So fuckin' fire him.
He punched me.
Oh come on. He punched me in the
face. I'm the assistant manager.
The store's closed.
You're off duty.
You okay Jack?
Here throw some glue on that.
Field dress it boy!
I'm not okay.
Okay, I got punched in the face.
And you didn't do shit.
You'll be sorry.
You'll all be sorry.
Hey look ya'll. Go ahead
and get all the crazy ideas
and shit out ya' head right now.
This money belongs to this dead
dude, and we are not takin' it.
Otto damn right. If the black guy
ain't stealin' it, nobody is.
I understand if some of you are
uncomfortable with the situation
so I'd like to offer you all the
option of just going home.
What the fuck. Sir
you don't run from war.
Otto, it's Christmas Eve.
We'll be here all night.
I'll deal with the
authorities myself.
Negative one-fairy-bravo.
We're stayin' right here.
Damn right we're stayin'
here. Look Mr. Kipper,
we are all involved.
Everybody, we need to stay here.
Pharms I see you
eyein' the cash.
Dave no I wasn't.
I'm not.
Sir. The infidels
are already plotting.
Pharms you wanna split the cash?
I fuckin' hate all of you.
Fuckers.
The store is closed.
Oh no!
You're off duty.
You're just gonna
get punched in the face.
You're the assistant manager
but nobody fucking cares.
Fuckin' hate you all.
I may have to take steps.
I may have to take steps.
Black Jack hey look, we
need to call the cops.
Says who?
Says me.
He can't use that money now.
I have tuition to pay. We
can all split this up.
No. No we can't because this
money doesn't belong to us.
This money belongs to uncle Sam.
Umm, I agree. I think
we should split it.
Look, I don't give a fuck how
much you need the money.
It's not yours bitch!
I say we vote.
Otto ain't no election.
Ain't no damn vote.
Santa I second the
motion to vote.
We said no vote.
All in favor of keeping
the money say aye.
Aye.
Aye.
Otto damn kids and
your occupy nonsense.
Ain't no damn vote.
Ain't no damn election.
Ain't no damn team decision.
Aye.
Now hold up. All those
opposed say nay.
Black Jack nay. Otto nay.
Nay.
What?
Tara aye or nay?
Mr. Kipper
oh, nay, nay. Nay.
Well there you
have it team stupid.
Four to four.
It's a damn tie.
Jack I vote aye.
Dave well that's definitely
the tie breaker.
Mr. Kipper
Jack. Where did you get that?
Sporting goods.
Aisle 7. It's on sale.
Black Jack what the fuck
are you doing dick head.
I want an apology.
Jack, just put that down.
Barbie what is that?
Pharms a cross bow.
Yeah like Daryl on walking dead.
Barbie oh.
Dave black Jack why don't
you just apologize to him?
Fuck that man. He
should apologize to me.
Pharms Jack. Were you
just, you know, up?
What? No. What d-?
Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
What? What does that mean? Up?
What does he, what does
he mean. What do you mean?
He's turbo charged.
Shut up!
Mr. Kipper
Jack. Are you on drugs?
You apologize.
Black Jack no!
Jack yes! Black Jack no!
Jack yes.
Please.
Man I'm callin' your bluff.
I don't think you're
gonna do shit.
Shoot me bitch.
Black Jack
fuck it Jack. Shoot me.
Shoot me Jack.
Jack ahhhh!
Jack ah.
Otto ah!
Oh! Gun shot sweet Jesus
somebody call Tim Tebow.
Mr. Kipper medic! Man down.
Man down!
Oh my god I'm so sorry Otto.
Otto are you okay?
Do I fuckin' look okay?
Why don't you pull it out.
Don't! You
leave me alone.
Leave it alone you
stupid son of a bitch.
You leave a puncture wound.
You leave a puncture wound.
Well I didn't know that.
How would I know that.
I don't-I'm really
really sorry.
Otto oh you shut your fuckin'
mouth you crying little girl.
Dave shh. Santa ho, ho, ho.
Merry fucking Christmas.
Now okay, I know this is
not the greatest timing but-
here's how we're
gonna' do things.
Santa uh, uh, uh,
back off. Or you're gonna
go on Santa's naughty list.
I will use this thing.
Intentionally.
Barbie baby.
Grab the money.
Black Jack hey what are
you doin' you drunk fuck.
Snata ha, ha. I'm tired
of givin' presents.
It's time for Santa to get some.
What's this?
I, I wouldn't touch
that. It's a dye pack.
Come, come, let me see that.
Thank you.
Warning. Contents
under extreme-
Santa woah!
Tara oh my god!
Black Jack fuck!
That is going to be one
messy workman's comp claim.
Jack, get the pap-
Jack?
Jack ladies and gentleman. Thank
you for shopping at Mr. Beavers.
The store is now
closed for the evening.
However, none of us are
leaving until we figure out what
we're doing with all
this great money.
Anybody thinks otherwise.
I locked the store.
I set the alarms.
And for your
further inconvenience.
I cut the phone lines.
I'm kind of a little
high right now.
And, I'm pretty sure I'm going
to be fired in the morning for,
a, smoking pot in
the store, and uh, uh,
2, shootin' Otto
with a crossbow.
But uh, I've decided,
I'm not leavin'
till I get that money.
Where are our phones Mr. Kipper.
Are they still in your office?
Oh there's a cell phone
party goin' on right now in the
shitter by the way.
Now that my high is wearin'
off, I'm startin to realize that
whoever killed that
guy in the box probably
wants that money too.
And he'll probably
kill us all for it.
And if one of us is the killer.
I just locked us
in here with him.
Folks.
We have a situation here.
Black Jack well no shit.
Otto he's loosin' it.
Pharms he's trippin' hard.
It's you.
What?
You did it. You killed him.
The fuck are you
talkin' about man?
You didn't want
Mr. Kipper to help
and then you pretended
it wasn't heavy.
Come on man. It
wasn't even like that.
You said it was slippery.
Look man. I didn't do t is shit.
I didn't even know this
mother fucker was in there.
Oh that's bull shit.
I'm not shittin you. I
didn't kill this dude.
I don't even
want the fuckin' money.
But I can't let you
all take it either.
Why not?
What you mean why not?
If we take this money it
looks like we killed this man.
Black Jack and that's what
the cops are gonna' think.
I want no part to that shit.
Why didn't you tell me
you suspected a possible
employee theft Jackson.
Black Jack Mr. Kippler. Shut the fuck up.
I didn't kill this man.
Now that's the end of that shit.
Jackson, you're fired.
Oh you got balls now?
Pharms I don't know Jackson.
You have a violent
disposition. A quick temper.
And of course you're
black. The odds point to you.
Shit the odds point to you.
The dope dealer holdin'
a dangerous weapon
pointin' at people and shit.
Two to one says you did it.
I'd say you're more two to one
odds. I'm kind of three to one.
And I did not even
use this. Jack did.
I'd put even odds on him.
We can't forget
about the new guy,
I mean I'd say his squeaky
clean ass four to one odds.
I think he did it.
Long shot odds on Kipper.
Ten to one?
What about me?
I could have done it.
Dark horse. You're too fuckin
stupid to kill somebody.
And put 'em in a damn box.
Hundred to one odds
says she did it.
Fuck all of you.
A hundred to one.
Alright. Last chance guys.
We could split up
this cash and disappear
or this all can go the hard way,
black Jack look man we can't do
it like that. We just can't.
Otto I'll do it. Damn store took
my health insurance last year.
Fuckin' Obama care.
Now. Do you know how much this
is gonna cost me. I men
where do I even fuckin
go for arrow removal?
Black Jack Otto, come on man.
Oh you mind your
business Mohamed.
The fuck did you just call me?
I'm appalled.
No you're a closet
homo. Are you in?
Pharms you're fired.
I don't
think so. I quit.
Tara umm you should
let him fire you
that way you can
collect unemployment.
Don't you all see. In this
man's death we have a new life.
All because of him.
Bitch shut the fuck up. You
screamed before we even saw him.
What?
Oh you know
what I'm talkin' about.
I screamed because I saw a body.
Before we did?
Okay-I di-
shut up. You did this.
I didn't kill this guy.
I've never even seen
him before in my life.
I'm stupid remember.
Okay really. So where
were you coming from then?
From the bathroom
where I was doing a line
of coke off the toilet lid okay.
Got anymore?
No.
Mr. Kipper
Tara, you're fired.
Uh!
Someone help me find Jack.
Pharms I know where he is.
We'll see, assholes.
We'll see.
The drug lair.
The what?
Pharms
how do you know about that?
Black Jack
see they got a secret room
where they're smokin' weed.
Usin' store merchandise
to build bongs.
Some of that breakin' bad
shit going on in here.
What? No we don't.
We do.
Jack I'm back!
Jack. We got the loot.
We're splittin' the money.
Black Jack hey that shit is not true.
That ain't true.
Who's ready to die.
Wait. Die? What
is in that thing?
Jack you should just calm down.
Mr. Kipper you're really
close. Okay. I've got years
of hostility built up towards
you okay. So shut the fuck up.
Pharms, you know that book we
got. "The anarchists cookbook"?
Yeah.
You wouldn't believe what I made
in here. All from that book.
All from stuff
inside this store.
You didn't take
anything did you?
Cause remember when we tried
that synthetic mescaline recipe
we hallucinated
for like three days.
No, no, the front
part. The chemicals.
Tara you told me you lost
that book you asshole.
Jack, what did you mix there?
Oh, it's really cool.
It's uh, hydrochloric acid.
Drop that cross bow Pharms.
Tara hey, Jack. It's cool.
We got the money.
No Tara. It's not cool. It's
not cool. Nothing's cool.
I think I'm having a...
A nervous breakdown.
Of some kind....
Come on Jack. Relax. Remember.
You're a sea man
on my tight little ship.
Whenever we, are at sea,
all you can think about is me.
Kipper. I think
it's gonna be you.
Otto
Jack. You listen to me son.
Now you got to be very careful
with that acid that is a highly
corrosive solvent.
That is what I used
to assassinate Kim JONG il.
I know, I know.
All I needed was Styrofoam,
and polyurethane, salt,
and orange juice. Tara, sorry
I drank your orange juice.
That is okay.
Pharms Jack, don't
you want the money?
Forget the money.
I want revenge.
Otto son of a bitch!
Dave holy shit! Otto.
Otto buddy are you okay?
No I ain't okay cock sucker.
You see the hole in my head.
You see the hole in my head.
Yeah.
You can't clean that with a
little bit of toothpaste.
I don't think I'm comin'
back from this one momma.
Damn.
Shit.
Where's the money?
Someone took it.
Fuck you lookin' at
me for? I didn't do it.
It's gone?
Who the fuck steals
on Christmas Eve?
Black Jack yeah Pharmy. Where
your Christmas spirit man?
I'm Jewish!
Dave well someone shot him.
Who has a gun?
Kipper.
Mr. Kipper?
Oh no!
What now?
My belly button ring fell out.
Black Jack bitch are
you fuckin' for real?
Barbie it's too dark.
I can't find it.
No! Don't!
Black Jack oh fuck!
Dave how come nobody
listens to me?
Black Jack he look people. We
gonna have to stick together.
Shit is goin' real
bad right now and
everybody is guilty of somethin'
Dave
why should we stick with you?
I still think you
killed the first guy.
Motherfucker I told you I
didn't kill that dude man!
Can you prove it?
You can't prove a negative.
Black Dave damn it.
I'm a private investigator
what?
Yeah, I was hired
by the corporation.
I was told to come here and
and watch everybody for various reasons.
Ah, shit.
Black Jack this place is
considered a black hole.
What does that
mean? Black hole?
You know. Shit goes in
but nothin' comes out.
'Cus everybody here is stealin.
I mean everybody.
Tara who else knows.
Mr. Kipper?
Hell no. He's the
big fish in all this.
He's been embezzling for years.
That's why you wanted
to call the cops earlier.
Look. I have a job to do.
Well fuck, least I had a job.
So, you have a gun?
Son. Pi's have
gun in movies.
I don't own a fuckin' gun.
Mmhm. And why
should we believe you?
Yeah. Why?
You know what.
Read it smart guy.
Dave December 6th, 8:30am,
Pharms smokes the marijuana
on the loading docks.
Mother fucker just
read the thing.
Man you got jokes and shit.
I was just tryin' to
paint the picture.
Jeez I'm sorry. Black Jack
ain't got time for that shit.
Dave
umm... December 6th, 8:30am
Pharms smokes marijuana
on the loading dock
9:17 am Tara fails to ring up
merchandise at the checkout
in exchange for pills.
11:40 Mr. Kipper pockets return
receipts for theft purposes.
Yeah there's a bunch of stuff
that's written in here.
Ya'll happy?
I wouldn't say happy.
Satisfied, yeah.
Alright so uh, what
do we do now?
We take the money.
Mr. Kipper's little
ship is sinking fast.
And I don't feel like drowning.
Yeah I never did
like the ending of Titanic.
Alright.
Screw it. I'm in.
Black Jack?
Fuck it. Ya'll
know I can't swim.
I'm in.
Let's do it.
Look guys, if we
take this money,
we're all gonna have to
disappear like, forever.
Tara no problem here.
Dave yeah. I got nothin'
to stick around here for.
Well damn am I the only
one not fed up with life?
Shit you white people
are miserable man.
Get your ass in
therapy or somethin'
Tara I tried it didn't work.
Pharms halt!
Tara hey, it's just us.
Stay down there narc.
Black Jack
man fuck you I ain't no narc.
Pharms I said stay down.
Black Jack man fuck you.
Tara what is going on up there?
Pharms
just playin a little game.
Dave what kind of game?
Pharms Kipper hunting.
Dave Pharms, buddy, can I come
up there and talk to you?
Pharms I'd prefer you didn't
by the way, is Jack dead?
Black Jack I think so.
Pharms you think so?
Isn't that something an undercover
cop would thoroughly check out?
Black Jack
hey, I'm not a cop man.
Dave you know what's funny,
I applied for a mall security
gig right. I didn't hear-
black Jack shut the fuck up. Ain't
nobody asked you no shit like that.
One ten thousand. Two
ten thousand, three ten thousand
Pharms I'm gonna get you Kipper.
Tara hey shit head watch it.
What the fuck!
Dave Pharms what's wrong with you?
You almost hit Tara.
Oaky would you cut
this shit out?
Black Jack come on Pharms.
I knew you was a fuck up,
but I didn't know you was shootin'
bitches in the faces and shit man.
Pharms you know what officer I wasn't
but then I saw all that money.
It made me think about all the
things I could do with it.
Tara god that could buy
like a lot of pills
Dave come on. I don't
want to die Pharms.
Pharms, I get it. I'm broke too.
We ain't makin no
money at this bitch.
I want the money
too man. What's up?
Too late deputy. You said nay.
I clearly remember it.
Dave Pharms this would all
be a lot easier if we all
just work together buddy.
How can I trust him. You've
been lyin to us the whole time.
Black Jack that's my job man.
That's all I can say about that.
Not an honorable one.
Black Jack neither is this.
Stealin', killin',
eatin' paint chips and shit.
Who's killing?
Please!
Come on!
Okay. I'll be the
bigger man. Come on up.
Hey!
It's locked.
Dave
Mr. Kipper?
Pharms
yeah. Hit it again.
Tara
fucking yeah. Hit it again.
Pharms we're comin'
in Kippers and bits.
Dave Pharms, you okay?
Pharms I got shot.
I got shot.
Dave hang in there buddy.
Hang in there.
Pharms oh it hurts Dave.
I'm really scared.
Dave I know it's not
that bad alright.
There's not too much blood.
Tara oh my god there's
so much fucking blood.
Dave just shut up!
Oh buddy, don't let me die.
Dave you're not gonna die Pharms
black Jack he dead yet?
Dave will you shut up both of you.
What the f...
Have some couthe!
Black Jack whatever man, I don't
have time for this drawn out
Oscar winning death scene.
Oh!
Dave what? Pharms
oh it's coming.
What? Oh I can see it.
Black Jack
what's it sayin' Pharmy?
Pharms
no... refills...
Dave he's dead.
Oh my god.
Oh shit.
My first day of work and
already another dead person.
Okay, umm... how do they
do this in the movies?
Dave he's got these...
He's got those bug eyes.
Let me just...
Dave okay...
Oh! What the fuck!
Tara
uh-
Dave okay alright Tara uh.
Dave finally. Alright look.
We have to fuckin-
Pharms don't die!
Dave what the fuck!
Enough fucking around.
I am getting a crow bar.
Otto help me cock sucker!
Dave ah!
Dave
shit! Otto I'm sorry.
Otto
what you fuckin' stab me for?
Dave shit, Otto I'm sorry!
Ah!
Oh my god!
Are you okay?
I- am-not-okay-
Dave holy shit!
Dave fuck.
Dave fuck!
Jack careful!
Dave shit!
I thought you were killed.
Jack
almost. What'd I miss?
Pharms is dead.
Ah. Overdose?
Maybe some lead poisoning.
Barbie's dead too.
Oh. That's a shame.
Yeah. It was pretty shocking.
Mr. Kipper has the money.
And just where are you going?
Headin home man. It's been
a really rough first day.
Plus I got to be back at
8:00 am to open up the store.
We got that breakfast with Santa
promotion thing going on.
Oh. Santa's dead
too. By the way.
Uh, will we be
renting a Santa clause
because I'm not sure how that's
gonna work if he's not here and
the kids show up and all that
kind of stuff with the pictures.
What about gettin' the money.
Well you know as
odds play out I figure uh,
our chances of survival drop.
It's all becoming a pattern man
you know uh people bein'
killed and that kind of stuff.
And I'm under the impression
that only one of us is gonna
make it out of here alive so, uh
if we do, most likely
also we'll be in jail.
So if you don't mind.
I'm just gonna slip out of
here if that's okay with you.
Jack not so fast.
You see if you leave.
You trip the alarms.
And if you trip the
alarms the cops come.
And if the cops come,
they take us all to jail.
And you can't go
interfering with everybody's
god given rights to stay
and kill each other.
You know you're
fucked up, right Jack.
You almost killed Otto. You shot
him with a fuckin' cross bow.
Yeah, I am totes embarrassed
by that whole thing. Is he mad
he's fuckin' dead.
Oh you didn't do
it. You didn't do it.
Uh, somebody else did.
They shot him right
in the face with a gun.
Thank god.
I came around the corner though
and I thought heard somethin'
uh call me a cock suckin'-
Dave, you think about it.
Your odds of being the one that
survives are pretty good.
You know with Pharms out of the
way, who's your competition?
Black Jack?
Dave well there's Mr. Kipper.
He's the one who has a gun.
What about you?
Me?
I was never much of a
competitor in anything.
Especially in school I was
always the last one picked.
First one eliminated.
Especially in duck duck goose.
Besides, in this condition I
probably won't last very long.
Either way, let's not tell the
rest of the group I'm alive.
Let's mix it up a little bit.
How do you know I won't?
Oh...
Jack you bitch!
Mr. Kipper
Dave?
Dave...
No sleeping on the job.
Dave
Mr. Kipper?
Mr. Kipper
you took quite a pounding.
I had to do the Heimlich
finally got that measurement.
Dave what the fuck?
Dave holy shit!
Black Jack hey what
took you so long?
Dave well since the guy from
the tool department is dead.
I had to grab this myself.
Where's Tara? Tara here.
Dave are you okay?
Tara yeah?
Black Jack what the fuck
you mean is she okay.
What you think I
raped the girl or somethin?
How bout I rape
your little pretty ass?
You next. Get in line. Touch
your toes motherfucker.
Relax. I didn't say
anything about rape alright.
Black Jack I'll relax
when we get this money.
So what you gonna do, stand
there lookin' the fuck stupid?
Or you tryin' to
smash the door in?
Let's go son!
That wasn't a request.
Smash the fuckin' door in!
Dave he's not in here.
Tara what the fuck!
Dave he's in the ventilation.
Black Jack
Kipper. What you doin?
You think you're
Bruce fuckin' Willis?
Mr. Kipper you're a sailer
on my tight little ship.
He's got the money.
We should go after him.
Uh, I'm not going in there.
Yeah me neither.
We need to find out
where this thing leads to.
Is this where we find out one of
our coworkers has a secret past?
Something like that.
Otto Daniels Frink.
The maintenance guy?
What does it say?
Why would you make a
good Mr. Beavers employee?
Honorable discharge, united
states naval intelligence.
Distinguished service.
Undercover operations.
Freedom medal...
Applying for sales associate.
I just put down good with people
I left mine blank.
So what does this mean.
It means that he could be
involved with the dead body.
I don't know like
a military thing.
Hey, look!
Let me see that.
What does it say?
He knew I was undercover.
How do you know that?
Kipper, a methodical genius?
No way.
Think about it for
a second guys.
Alright, he kills Otto
first chance he gets.
Shoots him because he knows. He
knows that Otto is a threat.
Let's go get this mother fucker.
Dave hey I've been
meaning to ask you guys.
How come no body
else wears their uniforms.
Tara what? We don't
get uniforms here.
Dave Mr. Kipper measured me for
a shirt and pair of pants,
and he was very specific
on the measurements.
Tara look!
Dave the vent goes three ways.
Black Jack well let's split up.
Tara uh, I don't think so.
Dave why not?
Tara well, what do I
do if I find him?
Tara he has a gun.
Dave
I don't know. Yell.
Hope he doesn't shoot
you before we get there.
Black Jack wait here.
Take this.
Tara oh.
Black Jack and try not to blow it.
If you know what I mean.
Otto help me cock sucker!
Otto
oh! Fuck! Fuck!
Black Jack Otto!
Otto he's dead.
Black Jack that's why you
don't scare black people man.
Hiya!
Otto oh!
Otto what the fuck I ever
do to you cock sucker?
Tara shit!
Mr. Kipper?
Tara guys!
Dave what's in there?
Black Jack the money room.
And probably Kipper.
Black Jack
wait I wouldn't do that!
Dave
owe! Shit!
Black Jack
now who ain't listening? Stupid!
Tara well, uh, at least
he can't get out.
Black Jack and we can't get in.
We have to go through the vents.
Dave I have an idea.
Tara
Mr. Kipper?
If you're in there.
You should just come out.
Please...
Tara are you okay?
Black Jack yeah why?
Tara you look like you
just saw a ghost.
Dave who's afraid of goats?
Black Jack
I ain't afraid of no goats.
Tara ghost. I said ghost.
Uh. Never mind.
Black Jack I see where you're
goin with that. I really like it.
Dave we should go upstairs. He'll
come out and when he does,
it'll be up there.
Keep spraying with these foggers
till this cockroach comes out.
black Jack
we'll wait here. Surprise him.
Dave
hey, let me ask you somethin'.
You ever stab someone?
You ever stab someone
so what are you gonna'
do with all this money?
Shit! I'm going to
buy some rims,
pay down that
damn child support.
Seriously?
Fuck no! Racist mother fucker.
I ain't got no damn kids.
I don't even have a fuckin' car.
I ain't waistin' money on some
stupid ass rims!
How am I racist? You're
the one that said it.
You was thinkin'
it mother fucker!
Shit! All you white
people are the same.
But I am worried
about somethin' though.
What's that?
You.
Me?
You're the one
holdin' this all together.
You're the star here
to you we're
just supportin' cast.
And you're the hero.
That's not true.
You barely even know my name.
No I know your name.
You're black Jack
my name is Jackson Porter bitch.
And why would you even want
to split the money with us?
Because we all had a deal.
Did we shake hands?
Did we sign a contract?
Every time I turn around I'm
gettin' shafted by the company.
Undercover here. Miss my life
there. And for what?
Where's my reward?
At the end of the day
I'm just another brother
gettin' shafted by the man
but not anymore.
The way I see it.
It's every man for himself.
Dave Kipper!
Kipper
I know you're out there Dave.
You almost shot me
just now Mr. Kipper.
Yes. I know you moved though.
Sorry about that.
Mr. Kipper oh no sweat kiddo.
I'll aim better next time.
So where is everyone?
Black Jack's out
here. He's dead.
He is?
Did I kill him?
Nope, that was me.
Mr. Kipper
oh...
I see you found
out his secret identity.
And Tara?
She's down stairs.
Spraying the foggers.
I assumed it was her.
Actually that was my idea.
Mr. Kipper very good one.
It worked perfectly.
You wold have been a real
asset to my staff Dave.
Dave what are you doing?
I was just trying to see
if I could shoot
you through the wall.
Oh. Lucky me.
You know Dave. You should just
leave. I have the gun. You and
the Scooby gang can't beat that
no matter how hard you try.
Why don't you just
split it with us?
Because when more than
one person is in on a secret,
the secret gets out.
You see one guy, one secret.
One guy, one druggie
bitch and one punk kid,
Mr. Kipper
the secret gets blown.
Who's the dead guy?
Mr. Kipper
how the hell should I know?
I figure Pharms did it.
He was always a
closet sicko type.
We all assumed it was you.
Mr. Kipper
of course you did...
I know what you
all assumed about me.
Homo Kipper...
Cock sucker Kipper.
Oh believe me I know.
But I know all the secrets.
You see, I know about under
cover action Jackson.
About the drugs. About the
stealing. See I know it all.
Sometimes, playing dumb
works to your advantage.
I guess it does.
So now we wait.
Fine.
Fine.
Son of a bitch.
Dave what's that?
Oh nothing.
Say Dave. Would you still
consider splitting the money,
even though I tried to kill you?
Change of heart now Mr. Kipper?
You might say that.
What brought that on?
I'm out of bullets.
You're out of bullets.
Yes...
Okay. Why don' you go ahead
and toss the gun out here.
Oh, of course.
Oh. Oops, sorry. I missed.
Dave
okay. I'm coming in.
Damn it Dave. You lied.
Damn!
Jack Tara!
Tara
shit! God!
You scared the crap out of me.
We all thought you were dead.
So did I.
But I decided to stick
around for a little while.
Tara can I have some.
Come on! Sharing is caring.
And what do I get?
Ew! I am not fucking
you right now.
Why not?
Because you look like
a flesh eaten zombie.
So... sharing is
caring you just said so.
That was before your flesh
got burnt off by acid.
Oh come on!
Seriously?
You've done so much worse.
You let those eight Mexicans run
a train on you at olive garden
because they said they'd
give you endless salad.
That's free.
Everybody gets that.
Come on Tara... please....
Ah! Oh my god!
Ah! I swear to
god I'll be fast.
I'm fast. Faster than
a car alarm even.
Come on and just,
just fuck me please Tara
fine!
Yay!
Jack
uh! Oh! That's so good.
Ah! Ah! Ah!
Ah... oops!
You know Dave, I don't
even have the money.
Dave?
Mr. Kipper
Dave? Dave?
Jack
hey new guy. You alive?
Dave I need help.
Hey listen. I'd love to
stay and chat about it.
You know the line.
Dead relatives welcoming
you and all but,
I have absolutely got to
go and kill Mr. Kipper.
Hey, check this out.
I'm gonna use a chain saw.
Isn't that wicked?
Dave let me go.
Jack you are absolutely
not even into this.
Dave I need an ambulance, Jack.
Jack hey, I'll make you a deal.
After I cut Kipper into bits...
I'll come back and
dice you up too.
Quickly though... okay?
Jack
what? I can't hear you.
Chain saw!
I'll be back!
Hey, you didn't tell me
black Jack was dead.
Maybe I'll chop him up too.
Mr. Kipper
ah! Ah, ah, no!
Mr. Kipper
oh Dave, Dave...
Dave
wait! Wait!
What? What?
You're out of bullets.
Oh the hell I am. It's a six
shot. There's one left.
Dave Pharms, Otto, Jack. You
fired at me three times.
No, no. I shot you twice.
Dave no wait, wait, wait...
Who's the dead guy?
I don't know!
And I don't think
we'll ever know.
You killed him.
No! No, no, no!
But I think I know who did.
Who was the one person
who wasn't with us
when we found the body?
Dave Pharms? Mr. Kipper no
Otto?
Uh-uh.
Santa Claus?
Are you serious?
Tara?
Please?
Jack?
Dave!
Black Jack?
No!
You?
No, no, no...
Mitch.
Who the fuck is Mitch?
Mitch Kalper.
He didn't show
up for work tonight
that's why you had to come in.
Oh please. Someone must
have mentioned that to you.
Ex-con. Did time for robbery...
Uh, got hired
because he sued us.
Corporate wanted to
keep it confidential
because... that's
the way they are.
Look but,
I was collecting evidence....
Because he was stealing...
And I was going to have
him arrested and fired.
I don't understand.
Oh! Forget
about it. Old news.
The point is, we're never going
to find out who killed that guy.
You see, in real life you don't
always have surprise endings.
Sometimes the truth
is just... just boring.
Anyway Dave, your employment
here just isn't working out.
So I would consider
this, a termination.
No. No!
Black Jack Kipper!
You again?
Dave I told you!
Black Jack... you're
my little sea man right?
Mr Kipper
oh... ah... no!
Black Jack I knew that mother
fucker was gonna try to bounce.
Where you think you goin'?
Just... oh god...
Where's the money?
I don't know man.
Seriously...
Where'd Kipper stash it?
No! I don't know!
Fine. This is how
you wanna play?
Jack
always keepin' an eye on me.
- Fuck!
Jack
Mr. Kipper!
I'm so happy you're still alive.
Mr. Kipper
Jack! Please.
You do know, killing you is
going to be the absolute
highlight of my night.
Mr. Kipper
Jack...
Bye Mr. Kipper.
Merry Christmas.
There's something that
you should know.
Yes.
Corporate prefers you
say happy holidays.
Jack come out come out
wherever you are Dave.
You'll never get out Dave.
I've got all the keys
to all the exits.
You're a sea man
on my tight little ship.
Otto mother fucker help me!
Those were my
damn fritter wrappers.
And my soda can.
I leave 'em wherever
I goddamn want to.
And I don't give a
shit who's goat you killed.
Ah!
Jack
hey! New guy.
Get over there.
You move pretty fast
for someone playin'
quadriplegic a few minutes ago.
I need an ambulance man.
Oh, don't waste your time man.
You're done. I'm just sayin'.
You're really gonna kill me?
Yeah, duh. That's how
these things go right?
What about the money?
The money? Come on man.
I'm almost dead.
You're almost dead.
Ain't gonna do us any good now.
Probably all burnt it up anyway.
Alright well... good
luck in the after life.
Merry Cr-happy holiday!
Woah, woah. Hold on a second.
I got somethin' for you.
That's right. Yeah.
Is that a fritter?
Sure is.
You got a fritter?
You want it?
I tell you what... you give me
that fritter, I won't kill you.
You promise?
Yeah! Toss it over.
Alright!
Ah! You dumb ass!
Imma kill you anyway.
Mmm. Ah.
It's good right?
Yeah. Christmas came
early for old Jackie boy.
Fritter and an extra
Jack did you do...
Dave enjoy your fuckin'
fritter bitch!
It's not even a
fuckin' fritter anyway.
It's a fuckin' honeybun.
All day, I need my fritter I
need my fritter you stupid fuck!
What the fuck!
Nice try Dave, but you loose.
Time to kill you. Sorry.
Don't apologize to me.
What?
Apologize to Bucky.
Jack
ah! What the fuck man!
Ah! Oh my god. I was kidding.
Oh! Oh my god.
Did it leave a mark?
Ah! Is there
a mark. Oh my god.
Jack
a Beaver hit me in my Che-St.
I'm sorry.
I think I'm goin'.
Dave
no! Oh shit!
Otto four fuckin' tours in Iraq,
three tours in Afghanistan,
816 Mexicans across the
cartel couldn't kill me.
Ain't some cock suckin' fairies
at a hardware store gonna do it.
Bunch of fuckin' cock suckers.
Who am I gonna kill next?
Otto
king Kong ain't got shit on me!
Blue hard hat man they tore this place up.
What the hell happened here?
Yellow hard hat some guy
went nuts on Christmas Eve.
Massacred all of
his co-workers.
Blue hard hat hey Jim...
Check this out.
Yellow hard hat what's in it?
John they called us the
Santa hat bandits.
Mitch shut up.
Go stash the bag. I'm gonna
go steal the store keys.
We'll come back after
they close tonight.
Meet me in two minutes.
Jack you're a sea man on my
tight little... uh, uh, uh,
Jack alright!
Jack ...a sea man on
my tight little ship.
Joey Mitch!
Anybody!
I'm stuck in the box.
I can't breath in here.
I'm suffocating!
Mitch!
Oh my god. I'm
gonna miss Christmas.
Mitch Joey!
Joey!
Back stabbin son of a bitch!
Santa you know, you keep staring,
you better give her a tip.
This ain't no free peep show.
Mother hey!
Santa you know what that means.
Santa course you can take
a picture with Santa
just go tell mom it's
gonna cost twenty bucks.
Tara
welcome to Mr. Beavers.
Shopper
idiot, watch where you're going.
Cashier
welcome to Mr. Beavers
welcome to Mr. Beavers
what?
Pictures with
Santa's over there.
Dave
oh, no. I'm Dave.
I'm starting tonight.
Are you asking me or
are you telling me?
I'm supposed to meet Jack.
Try the vending machines.
Okay.
Is it...
Female newscaster ho, ho, hold your
horse gift givers. There's still time
to buy presents with many
retailers staying open late
on Christmas Eve to cash
in on last minute shoppers.
Male newscaster speaking of cashing in,
police are looking for two men who
robbed an armored
car this afternoon.
Male newscaster police say these
men are armed and dangerous.
Anyone with information on the
so called Santa hat bandits
is urged to contact the
crime stoppers hotline.
Jack ahhhhhh!
Jack
ah! Ah!
Jack what do you want?
Pictures with Santa's out there.
Dave uh no, umm, I'm Dave.
I start work here tonight.
Oh, hey, Jack.
Sorry buddy.
Right.
I get a little, little upset
when I don't get my fritter.
Dave right.
And this machine...
Just like my ex.
Jack took my money and
didn't give me no pie.
Huh.
These things are gonna be
the death of me anyway.
You want something?
No I'm, I'm good thank you.
You're good? They make
you start on Christmas Eve
because shit fucker Mitch
bails on us and you're good?
Well the bills have been
pilling up right. What can I do?
Tell them go fuck
themselves man.
That's what I would have done.
Man fuck this place.
This place sucks.
Aren't you the
assistant manager?
Oh yeah man, I am.
But I'm just here for the money.
I come here every day,
every single day.
Ready to blow my
fucking brains out.
I even got a special bullet
picked out just for the job.
Hollow point.
I'm just messin' with you man.
Over here's Tara.
Yo' Tara...
Jack Tara...
What?
This is Dave.
The new guy.
We already met,
in a near glorious moment
at this very register.
Don't be a bitch Tera.
It's his first night.
Save it till we're
sure he's staying,
then do the queen
super bitch thing.
Whatever.
Dave what are you reading.
Oh, it's really good.
It's called, um,
none of your fucking business
by leave me the fuck alone.
Ever heard of it?
I stopped going to school
like after two years. I mean
I want to be an actress so what
good is like math and science
and Greek theater anyway?
You know?
And then I got diagnosed
with anxiety disorder so
I had to start taking
Xanax, like, a lot. And
that kept me from
going back to school.
Jack she can't help it,
being a bitch and all.
She's got like some
chick disease in her 'wawa'
Jack takes pills and shit.
Dave I'm sorry did you say a
chick disease in her wawa?
What does that mean?
Totes don't know
bro, just what I heard.
Hmm. I mean I fucked
her and I'm alright.
Oh, do you guys
have health insurance?
Because my script
kind of ran out and,
I would totally blow someone
for a Xanax right now.
Okay.
Jack no. No, no, no. No cell
phones allowed in the store man.
Boss man will take that
from you lickity split
if he finds you with it.
Seriously?
We had uh, an incident
here, not too long ago.
We call it the uh, "great
Mr. Beavers iPhone fuck up"
basically it involved
somebody, won't name names,
takin' a shit in a
display toilet,
snap a cell phone picture.
Bamm! Instagram, Twitter,
hashtag Mr. Beaver's
display toilet hell.
Went viral; Got
like a million hits.
Anyway, corporate found out,
they yanked our cell phones.
That's... that's horrible.
I know right. What
right does that give them to
yank our cell phone privileges
fucking fascist man.
What no, no, no. Someone
actually took a shit,
in this display toilet.
Dude, yeah that happens
like three times a week.
No seriously, little kids,
the homeless, elderly people.
I've even dropped a
deuce in it before.
You take a shit in the store?
Not our toilets. I'm talkin'
like Lowes, or home depot
no. No I was not fired
from home depot.
Okay, who told you that?
O'tooney? He's full of shit.
I left on my own volition to
pursue other opportunities.
Look I was falsely accused of
shitting in a display toilet.
That's it. I left on my own.
It had nothing to do with that.
Boss hired a rent-a-clause for
Christmas. Barbie was my idea.
Dave she seems a little under
dressed for Christmas.
Jack oh, yeah.
Santa ho, ho, ho
here comes Santa
now, why don't you be a good girl... I'd
like to give her a kiss on her camel toe.
Jack you're hired.
Barbie
what really I got the job?
Oh my god I'm so excited.
When do I start?
I want to start right now.
Yaay... wait!
Hold up pal...
Do I get to keep my tips or do I
have to split them with Santa?
Jack you can keep the tip.
Yo, black Jack.
Black Jack what the
fuck do you want man?
Jack this here's Jackson Porter
we call him
black Jack because...
Obviously...
Can you believe this is
the assistant manager?
He thinks he's really
clever. What are you
writing in your book? Some
of your wack black Jack raps?
Man fuck you white bread.
I'll slit yo' damn throat.
Whatever man yeah I'm good with
all that. That's no problem
cause I'm so big and strong, but
I ain't yo' house nigga though.
A'ight so don't be puttin me
on that heavy liftin and shit
all the damn time.
That's what I did at
the other fucking store
and I didn't come
here to do that shit.
No lackey work for me.
Get ya' own nigga for that
shit. You know what I'm sayin'?
Dave so he's a writer?
Jack what because of
his scribble pad? No.
He's writin" his
ghetto ass gansta' life
prison logic in there.
You don't know that he
could be working on a book
or some poetry.
And besides, if he
rips you like that,
why don't you
guys just fire him?
Because our
manager, Mr. Kipper,
is the biggest
most pathetic pussy
in the entire history
of big pussies ever.
And he's terrified of
that black bastard.
In fact I'm pretty sure he's
terrified of all the coloreds.
Oh I uh, don't think we
refer to them as that anymore.
We do here.
Mr. Kipper
we do here what?
Mr. Kipper? Ha, ha, oh!
I was just tellin' the new guy
here what a tight ship you run.
Oh, well then
please. Keep talking.
Uh Dave, uh barns,
welcome aboard.
It's so good to have you
on my tight little ship.
Uh Jack, once you've
shown him around,
send him up to
the office alright.
There it is.
Oh my god dude,
how gay was that?
In, in what way?
I don't mean gay
like offensively gay.
I mean gay like he wants to
lick the perspiration
off your ass hole gay.
Oh. Uh, the real gay
way. Yeah no I got it.
Jack!
Otto did you leave those fritter
wrappers by that paint can
that spilled all over the
filling cabinet? Yes or no boy.
Jack uh no man, of course not.
My weaknesses?
What in the hell kind of
question is that?
Are you talkin about my
disability caused by some
fucking towel head who shot an
RPG up my ass during my fourth
combat mission killing no good
cock suckin' camel fuckin'
terrorist in Iraq while
you were in college
suckin' off your liberal
no good hippie professor
at your communist lovin' college
in upstate my daddy's a rich
prick bought me a Porsche
can't afford to pay his taxes
that would fund the fuckin'
veteran's hospital that
would fix my leg so I could
kick you in your
fuckin' teeth right now?
That disability?
Hey this is Dave, the new guy.
Dave this is Otto, he's our
store... maintenance guy.
New soldier huh?
You look good son.
Fit, I like that.
I'm the tactical maintenance
team leader which means
I extract and destroy all the
shit these dickwads leave behind
every time they
traipse through my store.
What? What are
you laughing at boy?
That funny?
That funny to you?
You like dumpin' paint
toxins all over the place?
The same brain degenerating
paint toxins that bin Ladin
dumped on my ass back in 2005
after I killed his herd of
goats he liked to fuck. Huh?
That's why I'm
blind in one eye boy.
Sorry... about the
blindness and all.
We got some important
orientation stuff to do,
so if you'll excuse us.
Oh do you? Do you?
So we're just...
Do you?
Yeah.
Well you make sure
this dumb fuck right here
that he knows the difference
between methyl butyl hexane
two and six because what I bet
your dumb ass doesn't know,
is it is easily confused
for dichlor ethane
which is what I used on Saddam
when I water boarded his ass.
Made his dick fall off.
Who's laughin now fucks?
Who's laughin now?
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
I think that guy's got
a serious case of PTSD.
How bout you say thank you
soldier, god bless America?
And tell me when
I fuckin' start.
This is the hydraulic crane.
Do not tough the hydraulic crane
until you get certified. Ever.
Wow. This thing is awesome.
This thing is like a
deadly weapon around here.
Alright. I-OSHA takes
this shit serious.
I take this shit serious.
Okay, you touch this
without getting certified.
You get fired. Or killed.
Crushed to death before you
even know what happened.
I'm for real man.
Big time danger.
Dude lost an arm
first time I was here.
Who?
Kipper fuckin freaks out over
this thing 16 times a day.
Ah!
Dave where are we going?
Jack up to see the boss.
Hey, are you cool?
About the elevator?
No man are you cool cool
what do you mean?
Do you do weed?
I've done some landscaping
no man pot.
No, no, no, no.
You're gonna have to start
if you want to be cool here.
Jack shhh! Where are you going?
Follow me.
Come on.
Dave what is this?
Old crawl space.
No body knows its up here.
Pharms, you up here?
Jack this is Dave, the new guy.
Dave oh, no, I'm good thank you.
Pharms marijuana is the
only way to escape
the drudgery of this place.
Plus this is some
real good Sinsemilla.
What's this one?
Oh. Its a new
mix I'm working on.
I call it sour purple turbo.
Oh yeah.
Try it.
Keep it down, he'll hear you.
Arms up.
Up in the air.
Pharms it's, uh, tetrahydrocannabinol
and diacetylmorphine.
Basically weed and heroin.
Pharms party foul.
Sorry.
Don't apologize to me.
What is that?
Pharms Bucky the Beaver.
Our idol.
I liberated him from
the corporate office
on a peyote
induced vision quest.
Now he resides here, watching
over and protecting us.
We do not offend Bucky.
So any party foul
committed in his presence
must be apologized for.
Jack alright.
And penance paid.
I was gonna get a fritter later.
We offer to Bucky so he may
forgive us our party fouls.
And shield us from
our misery and torment.
Sorry Bucky.
Dave guys, if its so miserable
here, why don't you just quit?
I figure Kipper's only
gonna' last so long
before he gets fired
for soliciting sex from
underaged boys online.
Then they'll make me manager.
He has sex with
underaged boys, here?
I don't know,
it's just a theory.
I keep watching that to catch a
predator show waitin to see him.
I get to experiment with
chemicals all day.
Do you have any idea, the
street value of this stuff?
Do I use illegal drugs now?
Do you mean illegal federally
or more on a state level?
Because I can take the drug test
I would just need about thirty
days to you know study for it.
Mr. Kipper Jack will show you the ropes.
He's my second in command.
You'll see we have a strong
mutual respect for each other.
I run a good, solid crew here.
Otto, the two Jacks, Terra.
She used to have a bit of a
substance abuse issue.
But, I'm happy to say, we
nipped that problem in the bud.
Now she's a model employee.
We're a team.
We help each other.
So I need you to
do somethin' for me.
Relax kiddo.
I just need to get your
measurements.
Let's start with your
shirt and penis size.
I'm sorry what?
Uh, pants size. Sorry.
Damn auto correct.
So how big are you?
Pants. And shirt.
Oh, um, thirty four long.
Uh, medium shirt maybe.
Ah, Dave.
We need to look our
best around here.
So we need exact
specifications for our uniforms.
It's no big deal.
I'll just take your
measurements on your shoulder.
And let me know if I make you
feel uncomfortable in any way.
Dave okay.
Mr. Kipper
Dave, you're so tense.
It's, uh, first day jitters.
I'm a little nervous.
Mr. Kipper
oh, no need for that.
Just think of me as
your friendly uncle.
So you're thirty four in slack.
No jeans? Because I can measure.
No, nope I'm good I got it yeah.
Okay. Alright then.
Oh. Cell phone.
You'll need to check
that in with me.
Come on, whip it out.
Come on get that out. Come on.
Thank you.
Mr. Kipper
there's nothing to worry about.
It's safe in here,
and no one can steal it.
See.
Oh and no one's gonna
look through it for any
sexting pictures you
may have left on it. Huh?
I, uh... Ha ha ha, come on.
Mr. Kipper oh, uh I need
you to go downstairs and
move a tool crib on aisle 12.
Get someone to help
you down there. Alight.
First assignment.
Go on... yeah.
Black Jack damn I think
the wheels are stuck.
Dave lift it.
Shit!
Fuckin' thing is heavy.
It's the heaviest
thing I've ever lifted.
Fuck!
Mr. Kipper
ummm... problem?
Kipper this thing's-
is slippery.
What's the matter?
Fuck it. Man I'll
tell you bout it later.
Okay?
Jack, assistance on aisle 12.
This is your ship's
captain speaking.
Mr.
- ah, yeah.
Mr. Kipper
you take that end.
Dave if you get on
bottom, I'll be on top.
Mr. Kipper oh. Ah. Alright
somethin' funny is goin' on here.
Maybe we should
open that darn thing up.
What's the matter?
We'll see?
Theft perhaps.
What?
Mr. Kipper do any of you
know this gentleman?
Sir, are you okay?
I think he's dead, Mr. Kipper
Jack, could you please
gather everyone together
for an impromptu store
meeting. Thank you very much.
Your attention please.
All employees
report to aisle 12.
That's the flooring aisle...
The one with the dead body...
Jack wonder what's in the bag.
Black Jack don't touch it man.
Why not?
Black Jack
look when the cops get here
they need this place un-fucked
with. Don't touch it.
I can un-zip the bag enough that
it won't fuck it all up.
Okay smart ass. When the cops
get here, be sure and tell them
that I said not
to touch anything.
Black Jack go ahead.
Whatever. New guy, grab it.
Dave what? I'm not
touchin' that thing.
Jack why not he's dead.
He's not gonna grab you.
Jack get it.
Fine.
Ah!
Jack scary...
Hey! You do not laugh
at assistant management.
Uh..
Jack oh!
Merry Christmas.
Black Jack oh shit.
Jack Christmas black
Jack no, no, no...
Put that shit back man.
Zip this bitch back up.
Put this shit back.
Hey man, put this shit
back and close this up.
Put it back. Put it back.
Put it back. Put it back.
Put it back!
You see how much is here?
Put this shit
back. Open it up.
Black Jack this is not some good shit.
You mother fuckers sittin here
laughin and shit like
it's Christmas time.
Jack this is great.
Fuck. In what book?
This ain't good.
Oh Jesus.
Otto sit rep boys.
Dave I don't know what aisle
they have the chairs in.
Otto situation report asshole.
Oh lord Jesus.
Man down. Man down.
Man down. Medical,
medic on aisle 12.
Medic on aisle 12, medic, medic.
We need a medic over here.
Yeah we figured it
out Otto. He's dead.
This man is dead when
I say he is dead son.
This man's dead.
Otto who the fuck is he?
I don't know. I don't know.
I don't know.
Well where's Kipper?
I don't know.
Black Jack I tell you what.
I'm callin' the cops.
Jack hey, hey, hey, not so fast
my chocolate faced friend.
Black Jack hey, motherfucker.
You say one more thing to me man
you will not be opening
Christmas presents tomorrow.
Otto Jackson, go get Mr. Kipper.
We need everyone here right now.
We need to keep
this area centralized.
We need to keep it contained
and free of all contaminants.
Who's the stiff?
We don't know.
Okay well, goodnight
everyone. Merry Christmas.
Happy Hanukkah.
Good Kwanza.
Stay right here Pharms.
You ain't goin' no where son.
It's nearly ten. I'm off.
Consider it hazardous duty pay.
Pfff.
Mr. Kippler. Are you okay?
I'm fine. Drink?
No man. I don't think you
should be drinkin' right now.
The cops will be
here in a little bit.
I'm just a bit nervie.
Black Jack look we all are.
But we need to get back down
stairs and get through this.
Mr. Kippler
alright.
Black Jack hey yo what
the fuck are you doin'?
Jack what?
Black Jack the fuck you mean what?
The money. I told you
not to touch anything.
Jack
do you know how much is here?
Black Jack man I don't
care how much is there.
This ain't your shit to
mess with man. The fuck
is wrong with you?
Hey this ain't Kumbayah
around here Dr. King.
This money's ours for HTE takin'
you mean to tell me you
can't use some of this to
get up out's the ghetto
or maybe buy momma's a house?
Santa I don't know that's
a lot of fuckin' money.
Hey, just shut the
fuck up Santa.
Ain't nobody
even talkin' to you.
Jack hey I don't know what
crawled up your black ass Jack,
but hear me now man, the
money there for the takin'
man fuck you.
Oh am I Jamaican you mad?
This money buy a
lot of Spears in Africa.
Bitch!
Fuckin' retard.
Mr. Kipper did you see that?
I think we all saw that.
So fuckin' fire him.
He punched me.
Oh come on. He punched me in the
face. I'm the assistant manager.
The store's closed.
You're off duty.
You okay Jack?
Here throw some glue on that.
Field dress it boy!
I'm not okay.
Okay, I got punched in the face.
And you didn't do shit.
You'll be sorry.
You'll all be sorry.
Hey look ya'll. Go ahead
and get all the crazy ideas
and shit out ya' head right now.
This money belongs to this dead
dude, and we are not takin' it.
Otto damn right. If the black guy
ain't stealin' it, nobody is.
I understand if some of you are
uncomfortable with the situation
so I'd like to offer you all the
option of just going home.
What the fuck. Sir
you don't run from war.
Otto, it's Christmas Eve.
We'll be here all night.
I'll deal with the
authorities myself.
Negative one-fairy-bravo.
We're stayin' right here.
Damn right we're stayin'
here. Look Mr. Kipper,
we are all involved.
Everybody, we need to stay here.
Pharms I see you
eyein' the cash.
Dave no I wasn't.
I'm not.
Sir. The infidels
are already plotting.
Pharms you wanna split the cash?
I fuckin' hate all of you.
Fuckers.
The store is closed.
Oh no!
You're off duty.
You're just gonna
get punched in the face.
You're the assistant manager
but nobody fucking cares.
Fuckin' hate you all.
I may have to take steps.
I may have to take steps.
Black Jack hey look, we
need to call the cops.
Says who?
Says me.
He can't use that money now.
I have tuition to pay. We
can all split this up.
No. No we can't because this
money doesn't belong to us.
This money belongs to uncle Sam.
Umm, I agree. I think
we should split it.
Look, I don't give a fuck how
much you need the money.
It's not yours bitch!
I say we vote.
Otto ain't no election.
Ain't no damn vote.
Santa I second the
motion to vote.
We said no vote.
All in favor of keeping
the money say aye.
Aye.
Aye.
Otto damn kids and
your occupy nonsense.
Ain't no damn vote.
Ain't no damn election.
Ain't no damn team decision.
Aye.
Now hold up. All those
opposed say nay.
Black Jack nay. Otto nay.
Nay.
What?
Tara aye or nay?
Mr. Kipper
oh, nay, nay. Nay.
Well there you
have it team stupid.
Four to four.
It's a damn tie.
Jack I vote aye.
Dave well that's definitely
the tie breaker.
Mr. Kipper
Jack. Where did you get that?
Sporting goods.
Aisle 7. It's on sale.
Black Jack what the fuck
are you doing dick head.
I want an apology.
Jack, just put that down.
Barbie what is that?
Pharms a cross bow.
Yeah like Daryl on walking dead.
Barbie oh.
Dave black Jack why don't
you just apologize to him?
Fuck that man. He
should apologize to me.
Pharms Jack. Were you
just, you know, up?
What? No. What d-?
Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
What? What does that mean? Up?
What does he, what does
he mean. What do you mean?
He's turbo charged.
Shut up!
Mr. Kipper
Jack. Are you on drugs?
You apologize.
Black Jack no!
Jack yes! Black Jack no!
Jack yes.
Please.
Man I'm callin' your bluff.
I don't think you're
gonna do shit.
Shoot me bitch.
Black Jack
fuck it Jack. Shoot me.
Shoot me Jack.
Jack ahhhh!
Jack ah.
Otto ah!
Oh! Gun shot sweet Jesus
somebody call Tim Tebow.
Mr. Kipper medic! Man down.
Man down!
Oh my god I'm so sorry Otto.
Otto are you okay?
Do I fuckin' look okay?
Why don't you pull it out.
Don't! You
leave me alone.
Leave it alone you
stupid son of a bitch.
You leave a puncture wound.
You leave a puncture wound.
Well I didn't know that.
How would I know that.
I don't-I'm really
really sorry.
Otto oh you shut your fuckin'
mouth you crying little girl.
Dave shh. Santa ho, ho, ho.
Merry fucking Christmas.
Now okay, I know this is
not the greatest timing but-
here's how we're
gonna' do things.
Santa uh, uh, uh,
back off. Or you're gonna
go on Santa's naughty list.
I will use this thing.
Intentionally.
Barbie baby.
Grab the money.
Black Jack hey what are
you doin' you drunk fuck.
Snata ha, ha. I'm tired
of givin' presents.
It's time for Santa to get some.
What's this?
I, I wouldn't touch
that. It's a dye pack.
Come, come, let me see that.
Thank you.
Warning. Contents
under extreme-
Santa woah!
Tara oh my god!
Black Jack fuck!
That is going to be one
messy workman's comp claim.
Jack, get the pap-
Jack?
Jack ladies and gentleman. Thank
you for shopping at Mr. Beavers.
The store is now
closed for the evening.
However, none of us are
leaving until we figure out what
we're doing with all
this great money.
Anybody thinks otherwise.
I locked the store.
I set the alarms.
And for your
further inconvenience.
I cut the phone lines.
I'm kind of a little
high right now.
And, I'm pretty sure I'm going
to be fired in the morning for,
a, smoking pot in
the store, and uh, uh,
2, shootin' Otto
with a crossbow.
But uh, I've decided,
I'm not leavin'
till I get that money.
Where are our phones Mr. Kipper.
Are they still in your office?
Oh there's a cell phone
party goin' on right now in the
shitter by the way.
Now that my high is wearin'
off, I'm startin to realize that
whoever killed that
guy in the box probably
wants that money too.
And he'll probably
kill us all for it.
And if one of us is the killer.
I just locked us
in here with him.
Folks.
We have a situation here.
Black Jack well no shit.
Otto he's loosin' it.
Pharms he's trippin' hard.
It's you.
What?
You did it. You killed him.
The fuck are you
talkin' about man?
You didn't want
Mr. Kipper to help
and then you pretended
it wasn't heavy.
Come on man. It
wasn't even like that.
You said it was slippery.
Look man. I didn't do t is shit.
I didn't even know this
mother fucker was in there.
Oh that's bull shit.
I'm not shittin you. I
didn't kill this dude.
I don't even
want the fuckin' money.
But I can't let you
all take it either.
Why not?
What you mean why not?
If we take this money it
looks like we killed this man.
Black Jack and that's what
the cops are gonna' think.
I want no part to that shit.
Why didn't you tell me
you suspected a possible
employee theft Jackson.
Black Jack Mr. Kippler. Shut the fuck up.
I didn't kill this man.
Now that's the end of that shit.
Jackson, you're fired.
Oh you got balls now?
Pharms I don't know Jackson.
You have a violent
disposition. A quick temper.
And of course you're
black. The odds point to you.
Shit the odds point to you.
The dope dealer holdin'
a dangerous weapon
pointin' at people and shit.
Two to one says you did it.
I'd say you're more two to one
odds. I'm kind of three to one.
And I did not even
use this. Jack did.
I'd put even odds on him.
We can't forget
about the new guy,
I mean I'd say his squeaky
clean ass four to one odds.
I think he did it.
Long shot odds on Kipper.
Ten to one?
What about me?
I could have done it.
Dark horse. You're too fuckin
stupid to kill somebody.
And put 'em in a damn box.
Hundred to one odds
says she did it.
Fuck all of you.
A hundred to one.
Alright. Last chance guys.
We could split up
this cash and disappear
or this all can go the hard way,
black Jack look man we can't do
it like that. We just can't.
Otto I'll do it. Damn store took
my health insurance last year.
Fuckin' Obama care.
Now. Do you know how much this
is gonna cost me. I men
where do I even fuckin
go for arrow removal?
Black Jack Otto, come on man.
Oh you mind your
business Mohamed.
The fuck did you just call me?
I'm appalled.
No you're a closet
homo. Are you in?
Pharms you're fired.
I don't
think so. I quit.
Tara umm you should
let him fire you
that way you can
collect unemployment.
Don't you all see. In this
man's death we have a new life.
All because of him.
Bitch shut the fuck up. You
screamed before we even saw him.
What?
Oh you know
what I'm talkin' about.
I screamed because I saw a body.
Before we did?
Okay-I di-
shut up. You did this.
I didn't kill this guy.
I've never even seen
him before in my life.
I'm stupid remember.
Okay really. So where
were you coming from then?
From the bathroom
where I was doing a line
of coke off the toilet lid okay.
Got anymore?
No.
Mr. Kipper
Tara, you're fired.
Uh!
Someone help me find Jack.
Pharms I know where he is.
We'll see, assholes.
We'll see.
The drug lair.
The what?
Pharms
how do you know about that?
Black Jack
see they got a secret room
where they're smokin' weed.
Usin' store merchandise
to build bongs.
Some of that breakin' bad
shit going on in here.
What? No we don't.
We do.
Jack I'm back!
Jack. We got the loot.
We're splittin' the money.
Black Jack hey that shit is not true.
That ain't true.
Who's ready to die.
Wait. Die? What
is in that thing?
Jack you should just calm down.
Mr. Kipper you're really
close. Okay. I've got years
of hostility built up towards
you okay. So shut the fuck up.
Pharms, you know that book we
got. "The anarchists cookbook"?
Yeah.
You wouldn't believe what I made
in here. All from that book.
All from stuff
inside this store.
You didn't take
anything did you?
Cause remember when we tried
that synthetic mescaline recipe
we hallucinated
for like three days.
No, no, the front
part. The chemicals.
Tara you told me you lost
that book you asshole.
Jack, what did you mix there?
Oh, it's really cool.
It's uh, hydrochloric acid.
Drop that cross bow Pharms.
Tara hey, Jack. It's cool.
We got the money.
No Tara. It's not cool. It's
not cool. Nothing's cool.
I think I'm having a...
A nervous breakdown.
Of some kind....
Come on Jack. Relax. Remember.
You're a sea man
on my tight little ship.
Whenever we, are at sea,
all you can think about is me.
Kipper. I think
it's gonna be you.
Otto
Jack. You listen to me son.
Now you got to be very careful
with that acid that is a highly
corrosive solvent.
That is what I used
to assassinate Kim JONG il.
I know, I know.
All I needed was Styrofoam,
and polyurethane, salt,
and orange juice. Tara, sorry
I drank your orange juice.
That is okay.
Pharms Jack, don't
you want the money?
Forget the money.
I want revenge.
Otto son of a bitch!
Dave holy shit! Otto.
Otto buddy are you okay?
No I ain't okay cock sucker.
You see the hole in my head.
You see the hole in my head.
Yeah.
You can't clean that with a
little bit of toothpaste.
I don't think I'm comin'
back from this one momma.
Damn.
Shit.
Where's the money?
Someone took it.
Fuck you lookin' at
me for? I didn't do it.
It's gone?
Who the fuck steals
on Christmas Eve?
Black Jack yeah Pharmy. Where
your Christmas spirit man?
I'm Jewish!
Dave well someone shot him.
Who has a gun?
Kipper.
Mr. Kipper?
Oh no!
What now?
My belly button ring fell out.
Black Jack bitch are
you fuckin' for real?
Barbie it's too dark.
I can't find it.
No! Don't!
Black Jack oh fuck!
Dave how come nobody
listens to me?
Black Jack he look people. We
gonna have to stick together.
Shit is goin' real
bad right now and
everybody is guilty of somethin'
Dave
why should we stick with you?
I still think you
killed the first guy.
Motherfucker I told you I
didn't kill that dude man!
Can you prove it?
You can't prove a negative.
Black Dave damn it.
I'm a private investigator
what?
Yeah, I was hired
by the corporation.
I was told to come here and
and watch everybody for various reasons.
Ah, shit.
Black Jack this place is
considered a black hole.
What does that
mean? Black hole?
You know. Shit goes in
but nothin' comes out.
'Cus everybody here is stealin.
I mean everybody.
Tara who else knows.
Mr. Kipper?
Hell no. He's the
big fish in all this.
He's been embezzling for years.
That's why you wanted
to call the cops earlier.
Look. I have a job to do.
Well fuck, least I had a job.
So, you have a gun?
Son. Pi's have
gun in movies.
I don't own a fuckin' gun.
Mmhm. And why
should we believe you?
Yeah. Why?
You know what.
Read it smart guy.
Dave December 6th, 8:30am,
Pharms smokes the marijuana
on the loading docks.
Mother fucker just
read the thing.
Man you got jokes and shit.
I was just tryin' to
paint the picture.
Jeez I'm sorry. Black Jack
ain't got time for that shit.
Dave
umm... December 6th, 8:30am
Pharms smokes marijuana
on the loading dock
9:17 am Tara fails to ring up
merchandise at the checkout
in exchange for pills.
11:40 Mr. Kipper pockets return
receipts for theft purposes.
Yeah there's a bunch of stuff
that's written in here.
Ya'll happy?
I wouldn't say happy.
Satisfied, yeah.
Alright so uh, what
do we do now?
We take the money.
Mr. Kipper's little
ship is sinking fast.
And I don't feel like drowning.
Yeah I never did
like the ending of Titanic.
Alright.
Screw it. I'm in.
Black Jack?
Fuck it. Ya'll
know I can't swim.
I'm in.
Let's do it.
Look guys, if we
take this money,
we're all gonna have to
disappear like, forever.
Tara no problem here.
Dave yeah. I got nothin'
to stick around here for.
Well damn am I the only
one not fed up with life?
Shit you white people
are miserable man.
Get your ass in
therapy or somethin'
Tara I tried it didn't work.
Pharms halt!
Tara hey, it's just us.
Stay down there narc.
Black Jack
man fuck you I ain't no narc.
Pharms I said stay down.
Black Jack man fuck you.
Tara what is going on up there?
Pharms
just playin a little game.
Dave what kind of game?
Pharms Kipper hunting.
Dave Pharms, buddy, can I come
up there and talk to you?
Pharms I'd prefer you didn't
by the way, is Jack dead?
Black Jack I think so.
Pharms you think so?
Isn't that something an undercover
cop would thoroughly check out?
Black Jack
hey, I'm not a cop man.
Dave you know what's funny,
I applied for a mall security
gig right. I didn't hear-
black Jack shut the fuck up. Ain't
nobody asked you no shit like that.
One ten thousand. Two
ten thousand, three ten thousand
Pharms I'm gonna get you Kipper.
Tara hey shit head watch it.
What the fuck!
Dave Pharms what's wrong with you?
You almost hit Tara.
Oaky would you cut
this shit out?
Black Jack come on Pharms.
I knew you was a fuck up,
but I didn't know you was shootin'
bitches in the faces and shit man.
Pharms you know what officer I wasn't
but then I saw all that money.
It made me think about all the
things I could do with it.
Tara god that could buy
like a lot of pills
Dave come on. I don't
want to die Pharms.
Pharms, I get it. I'm broke too.
We ain't makin no
money at this bitch.
I want the money
too man. What's up?
Too late deputy. You said nay.
I clearly remember it.
Dave Pharms this would all
be a lot easier if we all
just work together buddy.
How can I trust him. You've
been lyin to us the whole time.
Black Jack that's my job man.
That's all I can say about that.
Not an honorable one.
Black Jack neither is this.
Stealin', killin',
eatin' paint chips and shit.
Who's killing?
Please!
Come on!
Okay. I'll be the
bigger man. Come on up.
Hey!
It's locked.
Dave
Mr. Kipper?
Pharms
yeah. Hit it again.
Tara
fucking yeah. Hit it again.
Pharms we're comin'
in Kippers and bits.
Dave Pharms, you okay?
Pharms I got shot.
I got shot.
Dave hang in there buddy.
Hang in there.
Pharms oh it hurts Dave.
I'm really scared.
Dave I know it's not
that bad alright.
There's not too much blood.
Tara oh my god there's
so much fucking blood.
Dave just shut up!
Oh buddy, don't let me die.
Dave you're not gonna die Pharms
black Jack he dead yet?
Dave will you shut up both of you.
What the f...
Have some couthe!
Black Jack whatever man, I don't
have time for this drawn out
Oscar winning death scene.
Oh!
Dave what? Pharms
oh it's coming.
What? Oh I can see it.
Black Jack
what's it sayin' Pharmy?
Pharms
no... refills...
Dave he's dead.
Oh my god.
Oh shit.
My first day of work and
already another dead person.
Okay, umm... how do they
do this in the movies?
Dave he's got these...
He's got those bug eyes.
Let me just...
Dave okay...
Oh! What the fuck!
Tara
uh-
Dave okay alright Tara uh.
Dave finally. Alright look.
We have to fuckin-
Pharms don't die!
Dave what the fuck!
Enough fucking around.
I am getting a crow bar.
Otto help me cock sucker!
Dave ah!
Dave
shit! Otto I'm sorry.
Otto
what you fuckin' stab me for?
Dave shit, Otto I'm sorry!
Ah!
Oh my god!
Are you okay?
I- am-not-okay-
Dave holy shit!
Dave fuck.
Dave fuck!
Jack careful!
Dave shit!
I thought you were killed.
Jack
almost. What'd I miss?
Pharms is dead.
Ah. Overdose?
Maybe some lead poisoning.
Barbie's dead too.
Oh. That's a shame.
Yeah. It was pretty shocking.
Mr. Kipper has the money.
And just where are you going?
Headin home man. It's been
a really rough first day.
Plus I got to be back at
8:00 am to open up the store.
We got that breakfast with Santa
promotion thing going on.
Oh. Santa's dead
too. By the way.
Uh, will we be
renting a Santa clause
because I'm not sure how that's
gonna work if he's not here and
the kids show up and all that
kind of stuff with the pictures.
What about gettin' the money.
Well you know as
odds play out I figure uh,
our chances of survival drop.
It's all becoming a pattern man
you know uh people bein'
killed and that kind of stuff.
And I'm under the impression
that only one of us is gonna
make it out of here alive so, uh
if we do, most likely
also we'll be in jail.
So if you don't mind.
I'm just gonna slip out of
here if that's okay with you.
Jack not so fast.
You see if you leave.
You trip the alarms.
And if you trip the
alarms the cops come.
And if the cops come,
they take us all to jail.
And you can't go
interfering with everybody's
god given rights to stay
and kill each other.
You know you're
fucked up, right Jack.
You almost killed Otto. You shot
him with a fuckin' cross bow.
Yeah, I am totes embarrassed
by that whole thing. Is he mad
he's fuckin' dead.
Oh you didn't do
it. You didn't do it.
Uh, somebody else did.
They shot him right
in the face with a gun.
Thank god.
I came around the corner though
and I thought heard somethin'
uh call me a cock suckin'-
Dave, you think about it.
Your odds of being the one that
survives are pretty good.
You know with Pharms out of the
way, who's your competition?
Black Jack?
Dave well there's Mr. Kipper.
He's the one who has a gun.
What about you?
Me?
I was never much of a
competitor in anything.
Especially in school I was
always the last one picked.
First one eliminated.
Especially in duck duck goose.
Besides, in this condition I
probably won't last very long.
Either way, let's not tell the
rest of the group I'm alive.
Let's mix it up a little bit.
How do you know I won't?
Oh...
Jack you bitch!
Mr. Kipper
Dave?
Dave...
No sleeping on the job.
Dave
Mr. Kipper?
Mr. Kipper
you took quite a pounding.
I had to do the Heimlich
finally got that measurement.
Dave what the fuck?
Dave holy shit!
Black Jack hey what
took you so long?
Dave well since the guy from
the tool department is dead.
I had to grab this myself.
Where's Tara? Tara here.
Dave are you okay?
Tara yeah?
Black Jack what the fuck
you mean is she okay.
What you think I
raped the girl or somethin?
How bout I rape
your little pretty ass?
You next. Get in line. Touch
your toes motherfucker.
Relax. I didn't say
anything about rape alright.
Black Jack I'll relax
when we get this money.
So what you gonna do, stand
there lookin' the fuck stupid?
Or you tryin' to
smash the door in?
Let's go son!
That wasn't a request.
Smash the fuckin' door in!
Dave he's not in here.
Tara what the fuck!
Dave he's in the ventilation.
Black Jack
Kipper. What you doin?
You think you're
Bruce fuckin' Willis?
Mr. Kipper you're a sailer
on my tight little ship.
He's got the money.
We should go after him.
Uh, I'm not going in there.
Yeah me neither.
We need to find out
where this thing leads to.
Is this where we find out one of
our coworkers has a secret past?
Something like that.
Otto Daniels Frink.
The maintenance guy?
What does it say?
Why would you make a
good Mr. Beavers employee?
Honorable discharge, united
states naval intelligence.
Distinguished service.
Undercover operations.
Freedom medal...
Applying for sales associate.
I just put down good with people
I left mine blank.
So what does this mean.
It means that he could be
involved with the dead body.
I don't know like
a military thing.
Hey, look!
Let me see that.
What does it say?
He knew I was undercover.
How do you know that?
Kipper, a methodical genius?
No way.
Think about it for
a second guys.
Alright, he kills Otto
first chance he gets.
Shoots him because he knows. He
knows that Otto is a threat.
Let's go get this mother fucker.
Dave hey I've been
meaning to ask you guys.
How come no body
else wears their uniforms.
Tara what? We don't
get uniforms here.
Dave Mr. Kipper measured me for
a shirt and pair of pants,
and he was very specific
on the measurements.
Tara look!
Dave the vent goes three ways.
Black Jack well let's split up.
Tara uh, I don't think so.
Dave why not?
Tara well, what do I
do if I find him?
Tara he has a gun.
Dave
I don't know. Yell.
Hope he doesn't shoot
you before we get there.
Black Jack wait here.
Take this.
Tara oh.
Black Jack and try not to blow it.
If you know what I mean.
Otto help me cock sucker!
Otto
oh! Fuck! Fuck!
Black Jack Otto!
Otto he's dead.
Black Jack that's why you
don't scare black people man.
Hiya!
Otto oh!
Otto what the fuck I ever
do to you cock sucker?
Tara shit!
Mr. Kipper?
Tara guys!
Dave what's in there?
Black Jack the money room.
And probably Kipper.
Black Jack
wait I wouldn't do that!
Dave
owe! Shit!
Black Jack
now who ain't listening? Stupid!
Tara well, uh, at least
he can't get out.
Black Jack and we can't get in.
We have to go through the vents.
Dave I have an idea.
Tara
Mr. Kipper?
If you're in there.
You should just come out.
Please...
Tara are you okay?
Black Jack yeah why?
Tara you look like you
just saw a ghost.
Dave who's afraid of goats?
Black Jack
I ain't afraid of no goats.
Tara ghost. I said ghost.
Uh. Never mind.
Black Jack I see where you're
goin with that. I really like it.
Dave we should go upstairs. He'll
come out and when he does,
it'll be up there.
Keep spraying with these foggers
till this cockroach comes out.
black Jack
we'll wait here. Surprise him.
Dave
hey, let me ask you somethin'.
You ever stab someone?
You ever stab someone
so what are you gonna'
do with all this money?
Shit! I'm going to
buy some rims,
pay down that
damn child support.
Seriously?
Fuck no! Racist mother fucker.
I ain't got no damn kids.
I don't even have a fuckin' car.
I ain't waistin' money on some
stupid ass rims!
How am I racist? You're
the one that said it.
You was thinkin'
it mother fucker!
Shit! All you white
people are the same.
But I am worried
about somethin' though.
What's that?
You.
Me?
You're the one
holdin' this all together.
You're the star here
to you we're
just supportin' cast.
And you're the hero.
That's not true.
You barely even know my name.
No I know your name.
You're black Jack
my name is Jackson Porter bitch.
And why would you even want
to split the money with us?
Because we all had a deal.
Did we shake hands?
Did we sign a contract?
Every time I turn around I'm
gettin' shafted by the company.
Undercover here. Miss my life
there. And for what?
Where's my reward?
At the end of the day
I'm just another brother
gettin' shafted by the man
but not anymore.
The way I see it.
It's every man for himself.
Dave Kipper!
Kipper
I know you're out there Dave.
You almost shot me
just now Mr. Kipper.
Yes. I know you moved though.
Sorry about that.
Mr. Kipper oh no sweat kiddo.
I'll aim better next time.
So where is everyone?
Black Jack's out
here. He's dead.
He is?
Did I kill him?
Nope, that was me.
Mr. Kipper
oh...
I see you found
out his secret identity.
And Tara?
She's down stairs.
Spraying the foggers.
I assumed it was her.
Actually that was my idea.
Mr. Kipper very good one.
It worked perfectly.
You wold have been a real
asset to my staff Dave.
Dave what are you doing?
I was just trying to see
if I could shoot
you through the wall.
Oh. Lucky me.
You know Dave. You should just
leave. I have the gun. You and
the Scooby gang can't beat that
no matter how hard you try.
Why don't you just
split it with us?
Because when more than
one person is in on a secret,
the secret gets out.
You see one guy, one secret.
One guy, one druggie
bitch and one punk kid,
Mr. Kipper
the secret gets blown.
Who's the dead guy?
Mr. Kipper
how the hell should I know?
I figure Pharms did it.
He was always a
closet sicko type.
We all assumed it was you.
Mr. Kipper
of course you did...
I know what you
all assumed about me.
Homo Kipper...
Cock sucker Kipper.
Oh believe me I know.
But I know all the secrets.
You see, I know about under
cover action Jackson.
About the drugs. About the
stealing. See I know it all.
Sometimes, playing dumb
works to your advantage.
I guess it does.
So now we wait.
Fine.
Fine.
Son of a bitch.
Dave what's that?
Oh nothing.
Say Dave. Would you still
consider splitting the money,
even though I tried to kill you?
Change of heart now Mr. Kipper?
You might say that.
What brought that on?
I'm out of bullets.
You're out of bullets.
Yes...
Okay. Why don' you go ahead
and toss the gun out here.
Oh, of course.
Oh. Oops, sorry. I missed.
Dave
okay. I'm coming in.
Damn it Dave. You lied.
Damn!
Jack Tara!
Tara
shit! God!
You scared the crap out of me.
We all thought you were dead.
So did I.
But I decided to stick
around for a little while.
Tara can I have some.
Come on! Sharing is caring.
And what do I get?
Ew! I am not fucking
you right now.
Why not?
Because you look like
a flesh eaten zombie.
So... sharing is
caring you just said so.
That was before your flesh
got burnt off by acid.
Oh come on!
Seriously?
You've done so much worse.
You let those eight Mexicans run
a train on you at olive garden
because they said they'd
give you endless salad.
That's free.
Everybody gets that.
Come on Tara... please....
Ah! Oh my god!
Ah! I swear to
god I'll be fast.
I'm fast. Faster than
a car alarm even.
Come on and just,
just fuck me please Tara
fine!
Yay!
Jack
uh! Oh! That's so good.
Ah! Ah! Ah!
Ah... oops!
You know Dave, I don't
even have the money.
Dave?
Mr. Kipper
Dave? Dave?
Jack
hey new guy. You alive?
Dave I need help.
Hey listen. I'd love to
stay and chat about it.
You know the line.
Dead relatives welcoming
you and all but,
I have absolutely got to
go and kill Mr. Kipper.
Hey, check this out.
I'm gonna use a chain saw.
Isn't that wicked?
Dave let me go.
Jack you are absolutely
not even into this.
Dave I need an ambulance, Jack.
Jack hey, I'll make you a deal.
After I cut Kipper into bits...
I'll come back and
dice you up too.
Quickly though... okay?
Jack
what? I can't hear you.
Chain saw!
I'll be back!
Hey, you didn't tell me
black Jack was dead.
Maybe I'll chop him up too.
Mr. Kipper
ah! Ah, ah, no!
Mr. Kipper
oh Dave, Dave...
Dave
wait! Wait!
What? What?
You're out of bullets.
Oh the hell I am. It's a six
shot. There's one left.
Dave Pharms, Otto, Jack. You
fired at me three times.
No, no. I shot you twice.
Dave no wait, wait, wait...
Who's the dead guy?
I don't know!
And I don't think
we'll ever know.
You killed him.
No! No, no, no!
But I think I know who did.
Who was the one person
who wasn't with us
when we found the body?
Dave Pharms? Mr. Kipper no
Otto?
Uh-uh.
Santa Claus?
Are you serious?
Tara?
Please?
Jack?
Dave!
Black Jack?
No!
You?
No, no, no...
Mitch.
Who the fuck is Mitch?
Mitch Kalper.
He didn't show
up for work tonight
that's why you had to come in.
Oh please. Someone must
have mentioned that to you.
Ex-con. Did time for robbery...
Uh, got hired
because he sued us.
Corporate wanted to
keep it confidential
because... that's
the way they are.
Look but,
I was collecting evidence....
Because he was stealing...
And I was going to have
him arrested and fired.
I don't understand.
Oh! Forget
about it. Old news.
The point is, we're never going
to find out who killed that guy.
You see, in real life you don't
always have surprise endings.
Sometimes the truth
is just... just boring.
Anyway Dave, your employment
here just isn't working out.
So I would consider
this, a termination.
No. No!
Black Jack Kipper!
You again?
Dave I told you!
Black Jack... you're
my little sea man right?
Mr Kipper
oh... ah... no!
Black Jack I knew that mother
fucker was gonna try to bounce.
Where you think you goin'?
Just... oh god...
Where's the money?
I don't know man.
Seriously...
Where'd Kipper stash it?
No! I don't know!
Fine. This is how
you wanna play?
Jack
always keepin' an eye on me.
- Fuck!
Jack
Mr. Kipper!
I'm so happy you're still alive.
Mr. Kipper
Jack! Please.
You do know, killing you is
going to be the absolute
highlight of my night.
Mr. Kipper
Jack...
Bye Mr. Kipper.
Merry Christmas.
There's something that
you should know.
Yes.
Corporate prefers you
say happy holidays.
Jack come out come out
wherever you are Dave.
You'll never get out Dave.
I've got all the keys
to all the exits.
You're a sea man
on my tight little ship.
Otto mother fucker help me!
Those were my
damn fritter wrappers.
And my soda can.
I leave 'em wherever
I goddamn want to.
And I don't give a
shit who's goat you killed.
Ah!
Jack
hey! New guy.
Get over there.
You move pretty fast
for someone playin'
quadriplegic a few minutes ago.
I need an ambulance man.
Oh, don't waste your time man.
You're done. I'm just sayin'.
You're really gonna kill me?
Yeah, duh. That's how
these things go right?
What about the money?
The money? Come on man.
I'm almost dead.
You're almost dead.
Ain't gonna do us any good now.
Probably all burnt it up anyway.
Alright well... good
luck in the after life.
Merry Cr-happy holiday!
Woah, woah. Hold on a second.
I got somethin' for you.
That's right. Yeah.
Is that a fritter?
Sure is.
You got a fritter?
You want it?
I tell you what... you give me
that fritter, I won't kill you.
You promise?
Yeah! Toss it over.
Alright!
Ah! You dumb ass!
Imma kill you anyway.
Mmm. Ah.
It's good right?
Yeah. Christmas came
early for old Jackie boy.
Fritter and an extra
Jack did you do...
Dave enjoy your fuckin'
fritter bitch!
It's not even a
fuckin' fritter anyway.
It's a fuckin' honeybun.
All day, I need my fritter I
need my fritter you stupid fuck!
What the fuck!
Nice try Dave, but you loose.
Time to kill you. Sorry.
Don't apologize to me.
What?
Apologize to Bucky.
Jack
ah! What the fuck man!
Ah! Oh my god. I was kidding.
Oh! Oh my god.
Did it leave a mark?
Ah! Is there
a mark. Oh my god.
Jack
a Beaver hit me in my Che-St.
I'm sorry.
I think I'm goin'.
Dave
no! Oh shit!
Otto four fuckin' tours in Iraq,
three tours in Afghanistan,
816 Mexicans across the
cartel couldn't kill me.
Ain't some cock suckin' fairies
at a hardware store gonna do it.
Bunch of fuckin' cock suckers.
Who am I gonna kill next?
Otto
king Kong ain't got shit on me!
Blue hard hat man they tore this place up.
What the hell happened here?
Yellow hard hat some guy
went nuts on Christmas Eve.
Massacred all of
his co-workers.
Blue hard hat hey Jim...
Check this out.
Yellow hard hat what's in it?
John they called us the
Santa hat bandits.
Mitch shut up.
Go stash the bag. I'm gonna
go steal the store keys.
We'll come back after
they close tonight.
Meet me in two minutes.
Jack you're a sea man on my
tight little... uh, uh, uh,
Jack alright!
Jack ...a sea man on
my tight little ship.
Joey Mitch!
Anybody!
I'm stuck in the box.
I can't breath in here.
I'm suffocating!
Mitch!
Oh my god. I'm
gonna miss Christmas.
Mitch Joey!
Joey!
Back stabbin son of a bitch!