McHale's Navy (1997) Movie Script
1
[ With Russian Accent ]
Here he comes.
It's about time.
Gentlemen, I'm sorry I'm late.
Welcome.
It's an honor to have...
such distinguished visitors
as yourselves on my island.
I hope the trip
was satisfactory.
Forget that.
I hope that you have
considered our offer.
Yes, and I do have
some concerns...
but they are minor.
We now expect your full
cooperation, Governor.
Secrecy is of the utmost importance.
You understand?
Of course, of course.
There is no chance
anyone will ever know.
What the hell is that?
[ Camera Shutter Clicking ]
[ With German Accent ]
Gentlemen.
This is Major Vladakov.
He will be in charge.
I am sure you are aware
of his reputation.
He is perhaps the second-greatest
terrorist in the world
[ chuckling ]
What? You are not?
It's impossible to get number one.
He's never available.
How fortunate for me.
Now, to our mission:
Restoring the old world order...
so that once again, you
may all drive Cadillacs,
and I can become the number-one
terrorist in the world.
So, let's take a tour
of your island,
shall we?
This guy is a big mistake.
I don't think so.
We'll see.
[ Shutter Clicking ]
[ Rock 'N' Roll ]
Oh, the house is a-rockin'
Don't bother knockin'
yeah, the house is a-rockin'
Don't bother knockin'
yeah, the house is a-rockin'
Don't bother
come on in
well, keep talkin' and
she starts losin' the blues
This old house
ain't got nothin' to lose
I've seen it all for years
Start spreadin' the news
we got room on the floor
come on, baby
Shake somethin' loose
well, the house is a-rockin'
Don't bother knockin'
yeah, the house is a-rockin'
Don't bother knockin'
The house is a-rockin'
Don't bother come on in
oh
yeah
well, the house is a-rockin'
Don't bother knockin'
yeah, the house is a-rockin'
Don't bother knockin'
The house is a-rockin'
Don't bother
come on in
well, walkin' up the street
you can hear the sound
Some band honky-tonka few
Layin' it down
They've seen it all
for years
Ain't gota-nothin' to lose
So get out on the floor
yeah, baby
Shake somethin' loose
oh, the house is a-rockin'
Don't bother knockin'
yeah, the house is a-rockin'
Don't bother knockin'
yeah, the house is a-rockin'
Don't bother
come on in
yow
[ Men Talking, Shouting ]
[ Man ] Hey, good shot
Left, right, left.
To the left, to the left,
to the left, right, left.
To the left, to the left,
to the left, right, left.
To the left, to the left,
to the left, right, left.
To the left, to the left,
to the left, right, left
To the left, to the left,
to the left, right, left.
Company, halt!
Request permission to commence
flag-raising ceremony, sir.
Permission granted,
Ensign Parker.
[ Humming "The
Star-Spangled Banner" ]
[ Continues Humming ]
[ Continues Humming ]
Uh-oh.
[ Loud Crack ]
Holy mother of liberty!
That's a federal offense.
Plus it's big. You need a medium.
McHale, what are you doing here?
This base is
for Naval personnel only.
You are gonna get--
Hey, cool whistle.
You know, McHale, you cannot bribe
your way onto a Naval base.
Keep it. I'll see you later.
[ Tooting ]
[ Notes Descending ]
[ Man ] come on, Willie.
quit stallin'.
It's your turn.
Oh, lighten up, Gruber.
You can't rush this stuff
you don't complain
when you're drinkin' it
"If it hadn't actually
happened to me,
"I never would have
thought it possible.
"It all started one night in a
small diner outside of town.
"I couldn't help but
notice how the waitress...
"kept giving me the sexy eye.
Oh.
"Then her twin sister
walked in." Uh-uh.
With their mother.
This stuff
never really happens.
Yeah, well, I can personally
guarantee that this one did.
Oh, you wrote this one.
No way.
Big way.
So there I was,
one man gazing
into six blinking eyes...
and three pairs of pouty lips.
I was so hot, my hoagie fell..
into a plate
of their special sauce.
- No way.
- Big way.
The question is,
do I tip ten or twenty percent?
Better make it 30 and leave a little
somethin' for Grandma. Hey, boys.
[ All Talking ]
All right, good news.
Company's got a new division:
McHale's Ice Cream.
Comes in 31 gourmet favors,
including Pineapple,
Orange Tint,
13 kinds of Chocolate Mint--
- "Mango Tango Bango Berry."
- "Banana Boat Chunky Cherry."
- "Funky Lumpy Monkey Berry"?
- "Loosey-Goosey Scary Berry."
- And just plain Berry.
- Any of these low fat?
They're all low fat, if
you spit out the chunks.
Hey, that's an idea.
I've got 1,000 gallons.
That's 4,000 pints. Our
cost is a dollar a unit.
So what do we charge?
We can probably get five, six bucks apiece.
Five, six bucks.
- Better make it six.
- Six bucks.
Wait a second. A thousand
gallons, that is 8,000 pints.
Oh, yeah, that's right.
Yeah. Thank you.
Anybody want to place any last-minute
bets on the big game?
I'm in for 20. I'm in for 25.
Here's 20. Give him 20.
25. Give him 25.
Pot's right. This stuff is
for sellin', not snackin'.
We better get seven, our
cost being two bucks a unit.
I thought it was a buck. That's
before I knew we had twice as much.
Come on! [ All Talking ]
See you guys later.
Mm. That's yummy.
Where you been, McHale? Y-You
gonna take care of me?
Don't I always? Chill! Come on.
Did you get me the good stuff?
You got somethin' for me? Yeah.
[ Panting ]
"Orange, Strawberry,
Banana." Light.
Thanks, McHale.
You're a prince.
One more thing. You got a freezer?
Yeah. Why?
I need you to unload
some ice cream for me.
Anything for you, McHale. Good,
'cause I got some chili coming in.
Okay.
Oh! Hoo!
[ Beeping, Whirring ]
Hey, buddy. Hey, buddy!
Got those pictures
I need, buddy?
Got those pictures
I need, buddy?
Yes!
Thanks, buddy.
Oh, thank you, buddy.
Wow.
[ Boat's Horn Blows ]
Hola, McHale.
Hey, thanks, Miguel.
Meet me by the campsite
In the caravan
on the Riviera
[ Motorcycle Revving ]
But she don't care a bit
She say
I'm workin' on my tan
McHale, ole. How ya doin'? Hi.
oh, mon
[ Children Shouting ] McHale!
Hi, kids.
Hey, Doc. McHale.
Thanks. Oh!
We really needed this.
How can we ever
make it up to you?
Forget about it. I'm happy
to help out any way I can.
Well--
If you want another kidney,
the answer is no...
unless you got a new set of golf clubs.
[ Chuckles ]
All right, men, listen up.
Today's the big day.
The satellite photos are in,
and they're clear.
Now, as you can see right here their
cleanup hitter crowds the plate.
What's that mean, Juan? Hit him
in the head with a fastball.
No, unfortunately he's wearing a helmet.
Then we pitch him inside.
Right, and that means? He will pull
it, so I play closer to the line.
Plus you can trip him when
he's going around second base.
You guys got a great coach.
All right, Roberto's
the cutoff man.
And he's not here. Where is he?
Sorry, McHale. I tried to
keep an eye on him for you...
but he's always running off
[ Sighs ] Okay. All right.
This is their third base
coach giving the steal sign.
Picking his nose
is the steal sign?
I told you they were crafty.
Who's the best team
in the Caribbean?
San Moreno! And who's
gonna crush San Felipe?
- San Moreno!
- Who's gonna run 20 wind sprints to warm up for the game?
San Moreno!
[ All Groaning ] All
right, guys, come on.
Let's go! Come on, fellas.
Wait a minute, wait a
minute, wait a minute.
You guys look terrible.
Look at those jerseys.
You're never going to get on "This Week
in Caribbean Baseball" looking like that.
- I guess you better wear these.
- What is it?
Wow! Cool! New jerseys!
If you win today,
next week you get pants.
Wow, thanks! Yeah, thanks!
[ Chuckling ]
What are you laughing at?
You know my Harley's
runnin' a little rich.
That's because you fiddle
with it all the time.
I don't fiddle with it.
All right, I'll fix it. At
least I know what I'm doing.
If you knew what you were doing, I wouldn't
have to fiddle with it all the time.
You're late.
McHale, I gotta talk to you.
Hey, Roberto, where you been?
Last night by the pier
I saw the Governor...
meeting some strange-looking dudes
in uniforms, so I took some pictures.
I've told you a million times,
knock off the spy stuff.
You've got the best glove of any
outfielder I've ever seen. Life is good.
Give me the film.
I'm just trying to look
out for you, all right?
Come on, let's play some ball.
I got you a new jersey.
All right, guys!
Let's get ready now!
Come on, let's play some ball!
Good morning, sir.
Good morning.
Sir, the launch will be ready to
take us to the base in 15 minutes.
I have all this knowledge, and they send
me to this dump in the middle of nowhere.
Twenty years
of Naval experience,
and I always get passed over
for the good assignments.
No one can convince me that it isn't
because of that damn cruise ship incident.
[ Clears Throat ] Sir, may I
respectfully offer an opinion?
You may.
I studied the Caribbean
at the academy, sir,
and, if you don't mind
me saying so,
this area is very critical.
Perhaps they sent you here because
you possess the ability...
to turn this into a
top-notch Naval facility.
Huh! You think so?
Yes, sir. This may
be just the place...
where your attention to
discipline is appreciated.
I could use a new challenge.
Maybe this time there'll be some
raw material I can work with.
They're coming!
[ Reel Spinning ]
Oh! Marlin on. Marlin on!
They're here! Oh! Ow.
They're coming, the boat!
Hey, guys! Hey, guys!
[ Pinball Machine Beeping ]
[ Panting ]
Hey, ice cream! How much?
Ten bucks a pint.
Put me down for chocolate
and anything else...
that's got a nutty thing
going on, but no raisins.
The new C.O.
is on his way here now!
He's not due 'til next week.
Yeah, well he's here.
Hey you guys.
We got a little boat comin' in.
Well, there goes
tonight's luau.
Oh, man, we gotta hide
our stuff.
And put on your uniforms
and fall in.
We were supposed
to keep those things?
Come on, knucklehead.
I'll buy you another one.
Come on, Chuck. You can do it.
All you need is just a little confidence.
Think promotion.
I think I can. I think I can.
I think I can.
Greetings, Captain Binghampton.
At your service Captain.
[ Shouting ] It's an honor,
Captain Binghampton, sir!
I better tone that down.
Uh-- [ Sighs ]
Thank you
for that greeting, Ensign.
Um, Charles T. Parker, sir.
Welcome to San Sid.
What?
Oh, that's the base's
nickname, sir.
See, this is San Ysidro island,
the main island
in the San Ysidro chain,
located right between Cuba and--
pftt-- the Virgin Islands.
But the locals just shortened the
Ysidro to Sid. See? San Sid, sir.
You're a moron, aren't you?
[ Sighs ]
[ Binghampton ] What's this?
"This is a tarp, short for
tarpaulin," which is generally--
Not this! This!
Oh. Oh! [ Chuckles ]
Well, this is
a frosty concoction...
home brewed by one of our
colorful yet loveable locals.
[ Chuckles ]
This is a military
installation, not a brewery.
I've heard about this place. It's
a lot less of a naval base...
and a lot more of sand baggers trying to get
free food and lodging out of Uncle Sam!
Now, that is not
entirely true, sir.
[ Men Shouting ]
Fall in.
Whoa! Check it out.
Hey.
[ Whispering ]
[ Snickers ]
Excuse me, sir.
Oh, look out.
Okay, let's hear it.
Come on.
I have heard them all.
Well, what is it?
I'd like to polish her turrets?
I'd like her to inate my raft?
I'd like to swab her deck?
[ Snickers ]
Well?
Um--
Uh, the swabbin' the deck one.
Really?
Mm-hmm.
Well, I am a superior officer,
and one more joke like that,
and I am recommending that
you are all transferred...
to our base deep in
Alaska's Aleutian Islands.
This place is so isolated...
you will spend your days
spit-shining urinals...
and drunkenly trawling for
innocent civilians to beat up.
[ Clears Throat ] Uh, ma'am?
Would this be a
permanent-duty assignment?
Ow! Sorry.
Sorry, sir. Ma'am.
Good work, Lieutenant.
Thank you, sir.
Atten-hut!
Hey, Happy, ain't that the
guy who sunk the Love Boat?
Oh, yeah.
- Did we wake you up?
- No, sir.
We've been up since
the crack of noon, sir.
Well, that's going to change.
Inspection in five minutes.
Fall out!
[ All Talking ]
What's the hurry, boys?
The new C.O.'s coming. We gotta
get all this stuff cleaned up!
Want some ice cream? Oh!
Would you guys relax? You know
how these new C.O.s are.
They're tough for two weeks.
Before you know it, they're trading shore
passes for toilet paper with aloe.
Not this guy, McHale.
He's D for difficult.
The type of difficult
that makes a-- Shut up.
You're making good time, and
you've still got 16 seconds.
So keep it up. I'll talk to you later.
Make your bed! Make your bed!
Up here!
[ Men Clamoring ]
Attention on deck!
Suck it in, mister!
I'm totally sucked, sir.
How about a shave, sailor?
Been thinkin' about it, sir.
Working without tools, eh?
What happened to your sleeves?
Uh, lost 'em
in a poker game, sir.
Angry loser.
[ Groans ]
Where is your bunk, son?
It's outside, sir.
Outside? Yeah.
It's, uh, out there
on up in a tree, sir.
You have a gravity
problem, son?
Uh, no, sir.
You just enjoy sleeping
up in the trees?
Oh, I sure do, sir.
Carpenter, take a note.
From now on, anything found...
sleeping up in a tree
after lights out...
will be shot, understood?
Noted, sir.
What are you trying to
hide from me, Ensign?
[ Whispers ] Why, nothing, sir.
Why, nothing, sir.
Move.
It appears to be
more contraband sir:
"McHale's Mai Tai."
"McHale's Ale."
"McHale's Girls of the San
Ysidro Islands Calendar."
Would someone tell me
what this is?
Well, these are
scantily clad ..
Yet tasteful photos of
women the men use as--
Shut up! [ Slurping ]
What were you eating, sailor?
[ Swallows, Moans ]
McHale's Ice Cream." No.
[ Binghampton ] Well, well, well,
well, well
You men have done something
that I've never seen before.
You've managed to transform an
official military installation...
into aisle three
at the Price Club!
What a resourceful group.
Thank you, sir, but we really
can't take all the credit.
We owe it to our
good buddy, McHale.
- Hmm!
- Shh!
Welcome to the Navy, gentlemen.
All right, driver, take
this garbage to the dump!
And make sure everything
is in official accordance...
with the rules of Navy dumping!
[ Horn Honks, Engine Starts ]
[ No Audible Dialogue ]
Okay.
You know, this part
of the island,
I don't think
you want to go here.
It's all so muddy, and the
villagers are interrupting.
This isn't the best place to do
[ Device Beeping ]
To do whatever heinous things
you're planning to do.
[ Chuckling ]
Major, this spot is primo.
The vectors are perfect.
Their range is maximum.
This is where we shall set up.
[ Boys Talking ]
You, boy.
Where did you get that shirt?
Oh, uh, that's
their coach, McHale.
H-H-He's a nobody.
He's an old retired American
sailor that comes around..
And coaches the team.
He lives on an island,
all by himself.
[ Vladakov ] Run
along to McHale, boys.
[ Low Growl ]
I hope you will
not be so loose-lipped...
if someone should ask about me.
B-But I wouldn't say anything.
Besides, I don't know
anything about you,
except that you're the second-best
terrorist in the world.
Major, our equipment
has arrived.
Take me to it.
[ Man ] Move it! Move it! Move it!
Come on, faster! Faster!
[ Vladakov ] Did you hear
what he called me, David?
Huh? Second best"?
You heard that, right?
Don't go there.
You always do this.
He meant it as a compliment.
You always have to turn it
into something about you.
Why do you always
minimize my pain?
I thought we were getting somewhere,
and as your psychiatrist,
I now realize we have a lot
of work to do on this.
But I am here to help you,
even if you are holding my entire
family hostage in Bangladesh.
Major Vladikov,
I see a lot of equipment...
for such a quiet operation.
Why don't you just say
that if I were any better...
I would need less equipment?
Easy.
[ Exhales Sharply ]
Thank you, Governor.
You are dismissed.
Oh, and Governor?
May I suggest that you use
some of that graft...
to invest in a solid
antiperspirant?
You people
Got a heart of steel, yeah
Do the funky boogie now,
Come on and show me,
[ Snorting ]
Feel good music in your soul
Hey, Petey.
[ Snorting ] Huh?
Come on. What a pig.
Hey. Hey, hey
Hey Pocky Way
Want to go for a ride?
Old McHale had a farm
E-I-E-I-O
Come on, sing with me.
And on his farm
he had a pig
I'm not groovin'
[ Petey Continues Snorting ]
gonna make you feel good
Feel good
music in your soul
it's gonna make your body, rock and roll
roll
Hey. Hey, hey
[ Snorting ]
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
You are so lucky.
I wish I could fit in that box.
Now go make me some breakfast.
Finally, David,
my stealth boat.
What do you think of her?
Very stealthy, sir.
Alzo, is she ready yet?
I feel like a sunset
cruise this evening.
Very soon, sir. And Major?
I know your nautical knowledge and
experience is somewhat limited,
but just give it a little time.
Hey, can't be the second-greatest
terrorist in the world forever.
Roberto, my boy.
You've definitely
got some talent.
Vladakov?
[ Object Approaching Rapidly ]
[ Groaning ]
[ Coughing ]
Ahoy, McHale!
How are you enjoying
your retirement?
Fine, fine. It's just not as peaceful
as I'd like it to be right now.
I haven't seen you since Panama.
What have you been up to?
I've been looking
all over for this.
Oh, you know, the usual. Madness,
mayhem, death and destruction.
Yeah, me too.
Listen, I'd have you up, but
it's a little messy right now.
Why don't you stay right there?
Yeah, right.
Damn. [ Vladakov Laughing ]
Stand by for further air conditioning.
[ Electronic Beeps ]
What a dick.
[ Squealing ]
[ Continues Squealing ]
Come on, Petey.
Watch out! [ Squealing ]
Whoa!
[ Yelling ]
Hold on!
Go warn the others!
[ Bleating ]
[ Panting ]
[ Mechanical Whirring ]
[ Machine Guns Firing ]
Oh!
[ Laughing ]
[ Engine Starts ]
Shit!
Yes!
Whoa!
[ Mechanical Whirring ]
Well, McHale, I guess
this makes us even.
[ Gasping ]
Order arms!
That, in case you are
unfamiliar with it,
was our national anthem.
And you slobs, in case you
are unfamiliar with it,
are in the United States Navy.
Not McHale's Navy;
the United States Navy!
There'll be no more
sloppiness, no more fun,
and most definitely,
no more McHale.
McHale!
[ Men Shouting ]
Call 911. Call 911.
Hey, hey, hey. Wha--
What am I going
to do with you, Quint?
Well, how about
a sponge bath for starters,
and maybe later a foot massage?
[ Chuckling ]
Personality intact.
You were out for a while.
What happened?
Uh, some crazed East
German blew up my boat.
Which reminds me, you gotta
hand me my underwear.
I have to go kill him now.
Mm-hmm.
[ Door Opens ] [ Carpenter ]
Atten-hut!
We haven't met, McHale,
so I'll be brief.
My name is Captain
Wallace B. Binghampton.
That's brief?
I'm the new commanding officer.
And you, mister, are a
bootlegger and a smuggler.
- I don't believe we've met. I'm Quinton McHale.
- Lieutenant Penelope Carpenter.
- You know, your boyfriend's kind of rude.
- I'm not her boyfriend.
- Did you guys break up?
- She was never my girlfriend.
- Just lovers, huh?
- You listen to me, mister.
When I'm done with you,
you're gonna wish...
whoever you tangled with last
night had finished you off.
Captain, please, this man has
just been through a major trauma.
Plus I'm due for a sponge bath.
You're under arrest. Throw
this bum in the brig!
- Lieutenant?
- What is it?
You know, I used to be
in the Navy too.
And I'm sure they threw a
big party after you left.
Well, as a matter of fact--
You know, it seems like she hates me, but
I'm sure it's all part of her master plan.
Don't just stand there,
boys, grab a sponge!
[ Roberto ] I tell you guys
something strange is going on on
the other side of the island.
[ Boy ] What's your
problem, dude?
You always think something's
going on, but nothing ever is.
You're living in a James
Bond fantasy world.
You have to get in
touch with reality.
[ Men Shouting ]
What's that noise?
Come on, let's go.
[ Shouting Continues ]
Fantasy world, huh?
This looks pretty real to me.
I must maintain discipline. These
men must be taught a lesson.
I understand that sir but
you're just taking it...
a little too far, that's all.
[ Vladakov laughing ]
Come on, let's go.
Well, David, where were we?
Of course you had a traumatic
childhood, Uh-huh.
But there are better ways to deal
with people than just shooting them.
Well, what do you suggest, David?
Good afternoon, Major.
Yes, yes, what do you
want, you island wart?
B-But, uh, Major, please. Major!
The people from the
village near here,
they have very little.
They have you.
You said no one would
even know you were here.
You've torn up the roads.
You've ruined
the baseball field.
You've disrupted the lives of my people.
And your point is?
You have to take into
consideration the people--
my people-- as we move
forward in our relationship.
Consider them considered.
Governor, you have my word.
I knewl could talk to you, Major.
We're both reasonable men.
I am not a reasonable man.
All the more reason
then that, uh--
Tonight, at the fiesta I will
tell the people all is well.
All is well. All is well.
All is well. All is well.
Suddenly, I am in a party mood.
[ Sand Steel Drums Playing,
Fireworks Exploding ]
Jose, have you seen what they've
done to the baseball field?
What's going down, man? Look.
The governor says he's spoken to them,
and everything's going to be all right.
Where's McHale? Isn't he coming?
He'll be here.
Has he ever missed a fiesta?
[ Horn Honks ]
I hope we are not too late...
for happy hour!
Governor!
join the party.
Your governor tells me you are
unhappy with our presence here.
He tells me you have
been complaining...
because the base is
too near the village.
So, we have a solution.
We move the village.
Come on, guys. It's party time.
[ Soldiers Shouting ]
You traitor! How much did he
pay you to betray your people?
Major. Major, please help
me, or they will kill me!
Here. Take my hand.
Thank you! Psych!
Major! Ma--
I don't care what anybody says.
That's funny.
Admiral, sir. Yes, what is it?
Photos from the satellite
look bad.
There are supply ships,
transports.
We also have reports of fires on the island.
We think this man is running the operation.
Vladakov.
All right. who's the commanding
officer we got down there right now?
- Uh, Captain Binghampton, sir.
- Binghampton. Binghampton!
Isn't that the guy
that sank the Love Boat?
[ Chuckles ] Well, it-- it wasn't
the real Love Boat, sir.
Oh. Well, let's get him
on the vid-link.
Yes, sir.
Vladakov.
Carpenter! What do you think?
Hat on. Hat off.
No, no. Hat on. Makes me look intelligent.
[ Radio Beeping, Humming ]
Captain, this is Cobra.
Yes, Cobra! This is
Captain Wallace B.--
Let me get right down to it.
We have reason to believe
there is a terrorist cell...
forming on an island
adjacent to your base.
What? Terrorists, here?
I'll find them for you, sir.
Don't you worry about that.
I'll hunt them down like--
Binghampton you are
to do nothing.
The last thing the President
wants is more gunboat diplomacy.
The President?
How would you like us
to proceed, sir?
There is one person down there...
who can handle
an up-close inspection.
He was one of the top covert
operatives in the Navy.
His name is Quinton McHale.
He should be somewhere
near your area.
I'll try to locate him
for you, sir.
Good. Cobra out.
No. What do you mean, no?
- No!
- The Navy needs you, McHale.
-Give me a break.
-Doesn't that mean anything to you?
You're just gonna
turn your back?
I know all about the Navy, and
about backs getting turned.
I could have told Washington
this is the way you would react.
I'm gonna do you
a favor, McHale.
I'm gonna say that I couldn't find you.
I'm gonna say
that you'd left the area.
And you know what
you're going to do?
You're going to leave the area!
Now, get out!
You know, you're annoying.
No wonder she dumped you.
-McHale, wait!
-Carpenter, don't waste your breath.
-This is an operation I'm well equipped to handle.
-But, sir
I've been waiting for this
my entire life,
and believe me, I could do
this with my eyes sewn shut,
and both hands tied
behind my back--
McHale!
[ Bleating ] You guys Okay?
Looks like you had
a heck of a party here.
Things are lookin' up.
[ Rustling ]
McHale
-Hey, Roberto.
-Where you been?
[ Sighs ] Long story.
-Something terrible has happened.
-You noticed, huh?
No, worse. The village and the
baseball field are all gone.
-What are you talking about?
-That weird dude I took pictures of,
he destroyed everything.
Here's the deal. I'll do it,
but I'm gonna do it my way.
Ha! Oh, no, you're not.
Let's call Cobra
and see what he thinks.
Oh, but, uh-- [ Chuckles ]
All right, McHale. Now what
do you mean by your way?
I want my boat back, and
I want my old crew back.
I want the barracks on the
far side of the island.
I want tents and
supplies for 200 people,
and, uh, also
six dozen freezers.
Are you out of your mind?
D-- You stop doing that!
I want to be left alone.
I'll only answer to Cobra.
- Do we have an understanding?
- Yes.
I-I-If it's all right with the Captain.
No, it's not all right with me.
All right, McHale.
I'm gonna give you just enough
rope to hang yourself with,
and if you screw up-- or I
should say when you screw up--
it's your butt, mister.
Welcome back, McHale.
That's Lieutenant Commander
McHale to you, Carpenter.
I know. It's weird.
[ Laughs ]
Man, this thing shrank.
-Hey, buddy.
-Hey, hey. Hey, buddy.
Boys, I give you your new home.
Well, we throw on some paint, put up
some curtains, plant a shrub or two--
And it'll still suck.
I knew you guys would need cheerin' up,
so I've arranged for a reunion. Come on.
[ Men Grumbling ]
Hey, cool! All right!
Yes! Thanks, Skip.
Well, hey, Skip.
I don't see any of my stuff.
Oh, yeah? Come here.
Christy, think fast.
Thanks, Virgil.
Hmm! Oh, yeah.
Oh... you know, there's a
sensitive side to you, Skipper.
Thanks, little buddy.
Hey, Skip.
thanks for the stuff.
It's great to be back
together again, man.
So, Skip, what kind
of mission are we on?
Hey, Skip!
Looks like we've got
some company.
[ People Shouting ]
All right, guys, help 'em out.
Hey, Roberto, how ya doin'?
Come on, kids. How ya doin'?
Come on over.
-Come on. How are ya?
-I've got some great news.
I've got a hundred tents set up for you guys.
just one catch.
What's that? I was lying
about them being set up.
I'll make you a deal. We'll
take care of the tents.
You just get our island back.
I'll make you that deal if you
do something about my boat.
Have you been fiddling with it again?
Hey, if I was fiddling with it, you
wouldn't have to fix it. Come on.
Come in.
Ensign Parker here, sir.
You wanted to see me?
Uh, yes, Parker.
I don't think
that I've shown you...
the respect that you deserve.
Have you been getting the fruit
baskets I've been sending you, sir?
Yes.
Yes.
You know, Ensign,
I think it's possible...
that you're
lieutenant material,
and I have an assignment for you
that just might prove that.
Sir, I am ready for anything
Good. I want you to go to McHale's
base, find out what's going on,
get every drop of information,
and report back to me.
-Understood?
-Thank you, sir.
-Well, hop to it!
-Oh, y-yes, sir.
[ Air Wheezing ]
The best I can figure, this
building here is a command center.
The rest looks like standard stuff, if
you're building a gigantic missile silo.
But it's so out in the open.
Vladakov's an underground terrorist.
I can't believe he'd do something this big
on the doorstep of a U.S. naval base.
- How do you know this chump?
- We lived together for a while.
Oh. I didn't know. Not that
I'm judging you or anything.
At Quantico. He trained as a
double agent under Cobra.
Oh. I heard that this guy's
supposed to be like...
the second-best terrorist
in the world.
Yeah but he wanted to be the
best, and then got greedy.
[ McHale ]
After we captured him, the Pentagon said..
We couldn't keep both of them,
so we had to let him go.
So he got away clean?
Not exactly. We made a
little detour on the way.
My name and this face are two
things he's never gonna forget.
- [ All Laughing ]
- What?
[ Parker ] Help! Help!
-What is that?
Help! Help! Help!
Help! Help! Help!
McHale!
Fish him out, boys.
-Help!
Help!
Help! Help!
Oh! Thanks. Thanks, guys.
Thanks. Thanks, guys.
Thanks. Thanks. Oh!
I saw fish out there, big fish.
I saw a marlin--
I bet you're wondering what I'm doing
with a piece of driftwood on my head?
That's only one
of many questions.
Don't you want to hear about the driftwood?
I was going for a natural look.
Let him go, guys
Wait a minute. Wait a minute, guys.
Guys, come on. This is
really uncomfortable.
Binghampton sent you here
to spy on us, didn't he?
I'm not tellin'you a thing until you pop me.
Come on and pop me!
What are you gonna do
with that thing?
[ Hissing ] Aaahhh!
[ Screaming ]
[ Grunts, Groans ]
You okay, Parker?
Put me in the game, coach.
-I'll get a touchdown fourth quarter.
-Snap out of it.
Since we've already burst your bubble,
I'm gonna lay it to you straight.
We're goin' to Vladakov's and find out
how come he put a terrorist camp...
in our friendly
little neighborhood here.
Now, if you wanna tell Binghampton,
I'd be happy to take you there,
but I think you'd rather
stay here and help us out.
You gonna give me something
important to do?
Absolutely.
I love you guys! Buddy check!
All right, watch my fins. Guys,
watch my-- [ Grunts, Yells ]
Come on, stupe. Hurry up. I'm
cuttin' as fast as I can.
-Turn 'em around the right way
-Sorry, it didn't come with a manual
That's gonna be a pretty
big satellite station.
Looks like it, doesn't it?
We're in.
All right, Gruber, Willie,
check out the far side.
Right. Christy,
Virgil, go south.
South. Happy and I
are gonna go north.
What do you want me to do?
That's our only way out of here.
Guard it.
[ indistinct Chatter ]
[ Chatter Continues ]
Willie, look at that rocket.
That's big enough
to start World War III.
[ Shouting indistinct ]
Whoa! Yes!
I bet this is their
munitions depot.
Gee. You suppose?
[ Carl ] Major? Yes?
Everything appears to be on schedule
for rendezvous with Feckler.
With no complications, we are
fully operational in 35 hours.
There will be no complications!
I will neither allow
nor tolerate failure!
Speaking of which,
where is my vodka?
Has it arrived yet?
You! Go and see!
Schnell! Schnell!
Real important part
the mission.
Oh, they couldn't
do without me.
Let's see how they feel when they
don't have Equipment Guy there at--
[ Laughing ]
[ Laughing,
Chatting In Russian ]
[ Rattling, Metal Clanking ]
[ Snoring ]
You okay? Yeah, yeah.
Fine. Let's go.
What's that? We need it.
- It's cable-ready.
- Come on, guys.
Why don't you just put up a big sign
that says we came here and stole stuff?
[ Bottles Rattling ]
Okay, we can't take everything.
Um, leave the guns.
[ Vladakov ] Everything is going
beautifully and according to plan.
There's no need to keep
calling me all the time.
[ All Speaking At Once ]
Hello! Hello!
We are not going to get anywhere
if you all talk at the same time.
Listen, we know you're a little sensitive when
it comes to what appears to be criticism.
[ Chinese Leader ] When dealing
with the number two terrorist,
there's reason to be concerned
We need reassurances that
everything is all right.
Let me assure you that--
Major, something terrible has happened!
Someone has stolen a--
- just give me a minute.
- [ Leaders Arguing ]
I am sorry. I am sorry.
I am so, so sorry.
What is it?
Someone has stolen a piece of the core cylinder.
I thought you would want to know.
L-I could go ahead
and order a replacement,
but I think if they hear from you,
they might move a little faster.
Wait... here.
[ Short Exhale ]
Is something wrong?
What's going on?
We heard something
about stealing.
No, no. Nothing's wrong.
Everything's fine.
- Trust me.
- Hey, we don't appreciate that tone--
So what do you think they're gonna
do with a giant missile thing?
You got me, 'cause they also got a
lot of ground-based assault weapons.
The thing that doesn't
make any sense is:
Doesn't Vladakov know the
second we see that missile,
the troops are gonna come in
and wipe him out?
Parker? What? I
didn't do anything.
- What happened?
- [ Sighs ]
I'm a terrible officer.
I got pouty, I wandered off
and, well, then I broke this.
Skip?
You think you can rustle up one of
those vid-links for me real quick?
That's why I'm here.
-Great work, Parker.
-Thanks a lot, Skip.
That's better. That's better.
You say one of your men
disengaged the core cylinder?
That's brilliant! Yeah, thanks, but I
think it's only gonna slow Vladakov down.
It's not gonna stop him. It'll give us time
to come up with a plan to neutralize him.
We better quick; he's building a satellite
dish that's gonna be operational soon.
He also mentioned, uh, a rendezvous
with someone named Feckler?
Feckler?
He knows about Feckler?
- Who's Feckler?
- It's the name of my pet project.
The world's most advanced--
and until now--
Secret Satellite Tracking Weapons
Guidance System, or SiTWiGS.
- Why'd you call it Feckler"?
- We already had something called SiTWiGS."
Here. Let me
show you something.
The satellite is a G.P.S. system
for missile guidance.
It enables us to hit any target
in the world within six inches.
It comes around once a day
to change its launch codes.
Yeah, but from what I saw, Vladakov's
set up to steal those codes.
That's why I need you
to try and jam Vladakov
to buy us some time
until we can get there.
I'll get back to you.
Cobra out.
Can we do it, Willie?
Well, not with our equipment.
They have that Soviet-era crap.
We're gonna need the same
stuff to be compatible.
-How we gonna dig that up?
-When I think of Soviet-era crap, I think of Cuba.
Welcome to Cuba, boys.
Land of oppression
and opportunity.
Hello, Havana. I am gonna score enough
cigars to keep me puffin' for a year.
-Hey, guys, we are here on a mission.
-I got a mission of my own.
[ Laughing ] Knock it off, guys!
Come on. We got a job to do.
All right, fellas, listen up.
I'm gonna go in and make the deal.
I'll be right back.
You guys just hang out, okay?
Hang out.
-All right, who's got the Hackey Sack?
-Got it.
Oh, oh, oh. I got it.
Ow! Where'd it go?
Excuse me. ls Armando around?
-Armando is dead.
-Boy, I'm sorry to hear that.
Armando lives.
There is someone here to see you.
[ Dull Thud, Creaking ]
Hey, buddy.
-Hey, McHale. What's happening man? How you doin'?
-Good. What you been up to?
Oh, a little bit of this,
a little bit of that.
Mostly having ashbacks of concerts
I haven't been to yet, you know?
-Hey, you came at a good time, my friend.
-Why? You havin' a sale?
-Yeah, okay.
-Good.
I need one of those S.S.B. transceivers.
I'll give you 600 bucks.
You know, I may not remember
30 years of my life, man,
but I remember those things cost 700.
Really? Well, I can get 'em
in Damascus for five.
Hey, last time I looked,
we weren't in Damascus, man.
Thank you. I also need one of those
heat-seeking torpedo warheads,
I need two battery eliminators, one
of those satellite uplink units...
-and 5,000 rounds of 50-caliber ammo.
-Hey, no problem, man.
And, uh, I also need, uh,
some parts...
for a 1942 Packard
P.T. boat engine.
Oh, now, that might be tough, man.
Those Packards are very hard to fi--
Well, I got a cousin, man. Ernesto.
He'll take care of you.
Hey, guys, I don't see it.
It's a round sack. It's got beans in it.
Listen up, guys. We need to
take this back to the boat.
Me and Jose are going to
go buy some engine parts.
-Mr. Parker's in charge.
-Why, thanks, Skip.
All right, guys,
let's go. Head out!
Come on! [ Groaning ]
[ Rock ]
Gruber, that's the place
right there.
Uh, gee, Mr. Parker.
McHale forgot something.
Really? What? Uh--
Oh. It's, uh...
Olsen coaxial monitor cable.
An Olsen coaxial monitor cable?
Yep.
Uh heck yeah, Mr. Parker. I can't tap
into a Soviet satellite system
without a Olsen
coaxial monitor cable.
Nope. Well, of course.
We'll meet you back at the boat.
Yeah.
-Right.
-Wait a minute.
You guys better get, um, two of those,
uh, Olsen coaxial monitor cables...
-just to be on the safe side.
-Right.
-That's why you're the C.O.
-Always thinkin'.
[ Rumbling ]
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
[ Jazz Pop ]
Ese neuvo
Boys, every man for himself.
ese neuvo
Buenos noches, senorita.
-Buena
-Are you nueve in town?
[ Laughing ]
[ Laughing ]
Bartender, dos martinis,
por favor.
[ Foreign Accent ]
Is this called poker?
I would like so much
to learn the game...
and bring it back
to my native land.
But I only have a couple of hundred dollars.
[ Men Laughing ]
[ Grunting ]
[ Grunting ]
Ahh!
Rack 'em, amigo.
[ Coughs ]
And... it's your roll,
banana bud.
[ Chittering ]
Okay.
Okay, let's just roll, okay? Let's go.
Oh. God Oh!
Ernesto?
That's me.
Armando! Oh, yeah. We're twins.
I thought you were cousins.
Uh, yeah, yeah.
Yeah. We're-- Yeah.
We're twin cousins, man.
It's funny, man. Everybody in my
family, we all look alike, man.
Even my dog, man, looks just like me.
Hey, you want boat parts, man?
I got something to show you.
Come here.
Check it out, man.
Twin turbos, nitrous injected.
I really put my heart
into this, man.
I don't think I can sell it.
Well, maybe I can.
[ Chuckles ]
All right. Load it up.
You heard the man.
Load it up, man!
[ indistinct Chatter ]
[ Pistol Shots ]
[ Cat Screeching ]
[ Pistol Shots Continue ]
baby baby, won't you hear my
You're cheating.
[ Screeching ]
Let me see your dice.
Just as I thought--
loaded dice.
Who raised you, monkey?
I did. That's my monkey.
[ Chuckling ] Well, I can
kinda see the resemblance.
[ Chittering ]
baby baby, won't you hear my plea
[ Groaning ] Oh...
- Heh-heh-heh.
- [ Chuckles ]
[ Blows Landing ]
[ Both Grunting ]
[ Grunting Continues ]
[ Grunting Continues ]
Hey, Happy. What are you doin'?
-Well, it appears I insulted a monkey.
-Hey!
Thank you. I'm sorry.
Whoa!
[ Yelling ]
Yes, well, my stuntmen
have arrived.
Excuse me. I've got
to go rehearse.
Hey, Happy. How you doin'?
Peachy. Behind ya.
[ Muttering, Grunts ]
Duck.
- Yaaaah!
- Hey, hey!
[ Glass Breaking ]
-Hey, Virg. How's that rehearsal goin'?
-Uh, fine, Willie.
I think it's your cue.
Thank you.
Looked pretty real, didn't it?
Did I ever tell you about
the time I-- Whoa! Aaah!
Hey, Christy. Today!
Get a haircut.
[ Siren Wailing ]
[ Whistle Blowing ]
[ Woman ] Policia!
Whoa. Whoa, whoa! All right, all right!
[ Whistle Blowing ]
Seems like beginners luck.
[ Muttering ]
Well, look at the time
I think I hear my ride.
Uh, I'm in the San Ysidro book.
[ Shouting Grunting ]
You Commies fight
like a bunch of girls.
- Hey, Parker. Where's the guys?
- Oh, they'll be back soon.
They went back to get those Olsen coaxial
monitor cable things you forgot.
-Oh, Chuck.
-Oh, boy.
Skip. Skip, the guys
got busted by the cops.
All right, you stay here,
load up the boat. Come on!
[ Man ]
Si. Si, that's what I said
Huh?
Four American Navy sailors.
Bueno!
[ Chuckling ] Manuel! These four
men will be my calling card...
to meet el Presidente,
the man who has given me,
given our people all of this.
[ Whistles ] Hey, Senor.
- We wanna call our embassy.
- Yeah? Well, you just shut up!
You Anglo yankee pig dog.
[ Laughs ] That was a good one.
[ Cluttering ]
What?
El Presidente!
Release the American pig dogs
into our custody.
Manuel, go get the prisoners.
It is such an honor,
el Presidente.
I was just telling Manuel here it has
been my lifelong dream to meet you.
[ Chokes ]
What's that, el Presidente?
[ Choked Coughing ]
El Presidente said he would
be honored to have the cigars...
of the brave men
who captured the Americans.
Of course!
What's ours is el Presidente's.
In that case, he'd be honored
to have your shirt, tie,
sunglasses and-- why not--
your pants too.
Manuel, el Presidente
has honored us.
He is asking for our ties and our
shirts and our sunglasses...
and-- why not--
our pants too, eh?
And now we'll bring the
American dogs to the pound.
[ Mumbles in Spanish ]
[ Stammers ] Wait! Presidente, por favor
uno foto, eh?
Oh, el Presidente would love
to take a photo.
But el Presidente
is in such a big hurry!
How dare you give me orders!
Ow! Ow! Ow!
Why are you pinching
el Presidente?
Oh! Oh! Arrivederci!
Presidente!
It's so nice to meet you.
El Presidente.
All right, guys. We've only got
a few hours, so let's get set up.
Hey-
How did my father die, McHale?
Well, you know, I probably
shouldn't be talkin'...
about top-secret stuff
like that with an 11-year-old.
Was a good-lookin' man,
wasn't he?
Yeah, we were best friends.
He was a lot of fun.
And he really loved you.
[ Snifing ] He was
also a great soldier.
Very brave.
He found out that Vladakov was a
bad guy and had set us all up.
Your dad ended up saving a lot
of lives, including mine.
[ Sniffing ] Trouble was,
he couldn't save his own.
I'll kill Vladakov myself!
No. I lost your dad,
and I'm not gonna lose you.
I'm gonna get him.
I guarantee it.
- What if he gets you first?
- I'm not a bettin' man, but--
Wait a minute. I am a bettin' man.
I'm gonna bet on me, and
I think you should too.
Everything's
gonna be okay, kid.
All right?
Now, listen.
I need to go take a shower.
So you know what that means?
Don't ush. That's right.
[ Soldiers Shouting ]
Major, everything seems
to be on schedule,
uh, except
for the core cylinder.
And where is it?
They promised it soon.
-The plane! The plane!
-Don't shoot.
It's one of ours.
Aaah!
Our new cylinder has arrived.
-And look! There's a note.
-Yes?
Dear Vladakov,
We have found out about this.
"We are not very happy,
you lying sack of--"
Brilliance, intestinal fortitude,
exibility in crisis...
a-and tolerance?
I've just flashed upon a happier time.
[ Both Chuckling ]
I would run.
Schnell! Schnell!
[ Computers, Radar Beeping ]
Hey, Skip. It's Cobra.
McHale, our operatives
have discovered...
that Vladakov plans
to destroy the Pentagon.
It must be 'cause they're havin' that
world conference on terrorism this week.
Right. And the President's gonna be there
along with heads of 27 other countries.
Boy, he wants to be
number one real bad.
He's a loose cannon and he knows
how we operate. Be careful.
We will, sir. I've got a great crew
and we've got the equipment we need.
We're gonna be ready
to go in about an hour.
-McHale.
-Hey, I thought you killed that guy.
[ Grunting ] [ Pistol Firing ]
-Ow!
-Did I get him?
[ Whimpering, Groaning ]
Not quite, sir.
[ Door Closes ]
-So, is this gonna work?
-I hope so.
Don't let that idiot
Binghampton get in your way.
He's too busy gettin' in his own way, sir.
- Hey, you still stockin' that good cognac?
- Yeah. Why?
Because when I get down there this
afternoon with the SEAL team...
we'll need somethin' to
toast with when it's all over.
- All right, then.
- We'll talk soon.
Aye-aye.
[ Klaxon ]
[ Klaxon Continues ]
-Major! Major! Hurry!
-If you ever dare to intrude upon my shower again,
I shall make sure that
your death will be slow,
public and require at least
six separate coffins.
Do you understand?
Wait a minute. Aren't you the
one I told to alert me...
when the time was growing near, so
that I would not miss the big moment?
Well, then.
I'm... sorry.
[ Snickers ]
No problem.
[ Door Closes ]
[ Laughing ]
[ Parker ]
Ladies and gentlemen, and now it's time
To say good evening to my old pal, Happy
[ McHale ] Yeah! Happy!
Happy, now I see
you're all dressed up.
-Now, is this for the party or for a court appearance?
-A little lower.
- [ Laughter ]
- How do you guys find a date?
Mom, I wanna date
my sister
[ Laughter ] No, but seriously,
-you know, Happy, I have a girlfriend
-McHale.
Hey, Carpenter.
What brings you here?
Well, I came to tell you that
I've come to the conclusion...
that Binghampton is an idiot.
But... what are you doing?
Well, we're havin'
a Save the World" party.
Come here.
-How's it iookin', Willie?
-Uh, just lockin' in now. Wish me luck.
Wish you luck? I'm the one who
has to get up there onstage.
-How much time we got?
-Ninety seconds.
Ninety seconds.
Wait right here.
-How long?
-Seventy-five seconds, sir.
-Where's your dinghy, sailor?
-Why, it's where it always is, sir.
Is it hooked up to the masthead?
No, that was just like---
McHale, what is going on?
Vladakov's trying to steal
satellite codes...
so he can launch a missile that
could kill a lot of people.
-Go on.
-So we got all this stuff...
so we could jam his link
to the satellite.
Hopefully, this show will be the
only transmission he receives.
-But why the comedy club? Why all this stuff?
-Look at these people.
A few days ago, they got their
village burned to the ground
but they're here
laughin' their heads off.
That's what I love about
these guys-- their strength.
That's why I do my best
to protect 'em.
-Uh, Skip? It's time.
-Okay.
Be right back.
[ Laughter Continues ]
[ Applause ]
Starting countdown at 20..
19, 18, 17, 16
15,14,13,12,11--
[ Beeping ]
- Six, five
- Four, three
[ Beeping ]
NOW!
Buenos noches,
mujeres y caballeros!
-And welcome to McHa-Ha-Hale's Mambo Party!
-What is this?
I'm not sure, sir.
[ Laughter, Applause ]
[ Mambo ]
So let's get the show
r-r-r-r-r-rolling!
Our first performer-
ya know him, ya love him.
He's the hardest-working
smuggler on the black market.
Give it up for Quinton McHale!
[ Cheering Applause ]
[ Mambo ]
[ Music Stops ]
Thank you, Ensign Parker.
It's good to see ya
back in men's clothing.
McHale!
[ Laughing ]
I'm supposed to tell you about
our drink special tonight--
"Stolen Vodka Surprise."
We stole Vladakov's vodka.
[ All ] Surprise!
So this guy comes up to me and he says,
You know you shouldn't smoke.
We are in a new era.
If we do not devise some
greater and more equitable--
- Anybody here from San Felipe?
- [ Audience Booing ]
Okay, come on.
You're embarrassing me.
And I've got a very special
guest here tonight.
Let's show a little respect for
Lieutenant Penelope Carpenter.
[ Applause, Cheering ]
Now, let's give her big San Moreno welcome! Yes!
Yeah!
[ Crowd Cheering ]
- This guy goes to this house of ill repute-
- I'm sorry.
I-I don't know what
has happened.
I can't seem to stop
the transmission.
How is this possible?
You have to fix this!
This is horrible!
Oh, I don't know.
I thought the black guy was pretty good.
[ Groans ]
I mean, compared to the fat white guy.
[ Continues Groaning ]
You don't really want
to shoot me, do you?
- [ Grunting ]
- Mm-mmm.
- You!
- [ Shrieks ]
[ Shell Falling ]
[ Man Groaning ]
[ Straining ]
Here. Your lunch.
- Thank you.
- No problem.
Oh, my God.
[ Sighs ]
A completely unmotivated,
random killing.
All right, now I'd like to introduce
you to the Amazing Christy.
[ Cheering ] it's amazing what
he can do with an I.Q. of 40.
[ Laughter, Applause ]
-What do you do for a living? Are you an astronaut?
-Hey. Let's talk.
Come on.
[ Laughing ] [ Booing ]
Knock it off, Virgil This
is harder than it looks.
Now I just gotta figure out
what Vladakov's really up to.
If he just wanted to steal satellite codes,
he wouldn't go about it in this way.
He was a double agent
under Noriega,
and Cobra and I lost the chance to put
him away for good during the invasion.
Unfortunately, intelligence underestimated
the size of Noriega's security force...
and didn't give you
enough backup.
-Yeah.
-I did my thesis...
on the Panama action
while I was at the Academy.
That's good. Have a seat.
[ Chuckles ]
That's right. You were the first
female through the Academy.
-Yes, sir.
-Boy, you put up with a lot of crap.
True.
But I really didn't have
another option.
I love the Navy.
Why'd you quit
the Navy, Quinton?
Well, Penelope,
I quit the Navy...
'cause I got tired of comin'
home from missions
and havin' another Binghampton
waitin' to give me orders.
-Have I mentioned I don't like that guy?
-Yes, which is why I came.
-He is really itching to go after Vladakov himself.
-That figures
Guys like Binghampton are always willing
to get men killed for their own egos.
I had a man in my unit-- Robert
Valenzuela-- who was from here.
Bravest man I ever worked with.
Vladakov killed him
down in Panama.
-I bet that wasn't in your thesis.
-I'm so sorry.
Yeah, I'm sorry too.
The Navy wouldn't acknowledge our
mission, so his family got nothing.
So I decided that I would take
care of his son and his family.
Little did I know he was related to
every single person on this island.
But that's what I do
now, and I like it.
I-I should really go check
on Binghampton.
-I-I'll let you know.
-Yeah.
-Do that.
-Okay.
Drive safe.
Speed is the essence of war.
Take advantage
of the enemy's unpreparedness,
travel by unexpected routes,
and strike the enemy where
he has taken no precaution!
Fall out! Hit the boat!
[ Soldiers Shouting ]
Sir, what are you doing?
This is my moment
of destiny, Carpenter.
This is not your mission, sir.
It is McHale's.
I'm going to have
to notify him.
This is an invasion, Lieutenant.
No communications get off this base
except through me. Understood?
Why are you doing this, sir?
Listen to me, Carpenter.
Cobra's going to retire soon. They'll
be looking for someone to replace him.
Let's just say that Wallace B. Binghampton
is about to submit his resume.
Sir?
Respectfully... you're nuts.
The Navy has a word for
officers like you: prisoner.
S.P., the lieutenant
is confined to the brig.
Escort her there immediately.
Aye-aye, sir. Lieutenant?
See you on CNN, Carpenter.
-I'm really sorry about this, Lieutenant.
-Aw, don't worry about it.
Look, you don't happen to have a steel
plate in your head or anything, do you?
-No.
-Good.
Sorry about that.
Major, I hope this is good news.
The logistics involved
in getting three men...
of such different temperaments together is just-
- Forget that.
We are all here.
What is it you want?
Gentlemen, I am proud to report
that the missile is on its way.
- Excellent! - Very good.
- Congratulations.
Well, thank you.
I think this will go a long way in making
you the number one terrorist in the world.
- Oh, you think so?
- Absolutely. When can we celebrate?
In, uh, just about ten seconds.
But first, I have just one question:
do you happen to know
if your check has cleared?
Definitely! I guarantee it.
Well, then, let's celebrate now.
Hmm. All right.
-To the new world order.
-New world order.
To no world order.
Hmm?
[ Beeping ]
What's that?
Don't judge me, David.
You're hindering
my spiritual growth.
Clear!
Get that line! Up the port side.
Bitchin'. You guys did
a heck of a job on this boat.
-Thanks.
-Looks great.
Uh-oh. Look at that.
Three days ago, she wouldn't talk to me.
Now I can't get rid of her.
Quint, Binghampton's
going after Vladakov.
-We better get over there, men. Gear up.
-But the boat's not ready.
Then you better make it ready, mister.
Come on.
-Sir?
-What?
-The compound is over here.
-Oh.
Looks like nobody's around.
-This is really weird.
-Well, obviously, the little cowards are hiding.
-I'll just have to ush them out.
-Uh, sir--
[ Flare Hissing, Whistling ]
- That should get their attention.
- [ Explosion ]
Oops.
[ Explosions ]
I don't suppose
that's Binghampton.
-Spread out!
-Aye-aye, sir!
It, uh, looks like the mission
is accomplished, sir.
-[ Short Chuckle ] Damn right.
-Binghampton.
-What's goin' on?
-Well, look here. The great McHale arrives...
after the battle is over.
And who's with him?
Penelope Carpenter...
the former promising lieutenant
turned P.T. groupie.
-What happened here?
-It's obvious.
I stormed, and I conquered.
And when Cobra arrives, he'll see who
stepped in to clean up your mess.
- Cobra's coming down here?
- Yes, and I intend to give him an earful...
about your recent indiscretions.
-McHale, this whole base was wired to blow up.
-Ah, Parker. Another traitor.
Now, listen to me, McHale. There's no way you're
gonna take this great victory away from me.
Now, I'm going to go
and get ready to greet Cobra.
Come on, men.
Hey, Skip. Looks like
there's nobody here.
Hey, guys.
Look what I found.
Vladakov's shrink. Doctor.
- Where's Vladakov?
- [ Groaning ]
He shot me! After all my years of
service listening to his complexes.
I opened my heart to him
and look what I get for it!
- Where are Vladakov's men?
- Ah. They all resigned.
This makes absolutely
no sense at all.
Why set up all this and
then not put up a fight?
Hey, Skip.
Take a look at this.
San Ysidro, this is Cobra One moving
on final approach in 20 minutes.
That's affirmative,
Cobra One. San Ysidro out.
Where did they tap
into our vid-link?
By the look of all this stuff,
they've had it the whole time.
Ahoy McHale. Sorry I couldn't
be there to enjoy my fireworks,
but I've been planning a surprise
party for our good buddy Cobra.
Sorry. You are not invited.
-He set us up!
-Why would he have something against Cobra?
I don't know. We trained together.
Cobra never cut him any slack.
But he's not crazy enough to go to
all this trouble for that, is he?
-Oh, do you really have to ask?
-We've gotta find Cobra.
Let's get to the boat, men.
[ Laughing ] Oh, yes. Yes!
[ Continues Laughing ]
How long before we land?
About 20 minutes, sir.
You guys see anything
out there?
-Nothin' in this direction, Skip.
-Got 'em! Straight ahead.
All right, guys.
Get ready for anything
- Full speed ahead, Jose.
- Right!
[ Evil Laughter ]
[ Laughing ]
Now we are starting to boogie!
[ Grunts ]
Hello, boy!
A P.T. boat?
There must be a crack
in the Bermuda Triangle.
- What?
- Uh, n-nothing, sir.
There's Vladakov!
Ah, McHale.
Sit!
There's a good dog.
Get ready, boys.
So, you want to play
Chicken, huh?
[ Machine Gun Fire Continues ]
Hold on!
Hang on! Hang on!
- Jose, kick in that nitrous!
- Coming right up!
Virgil, let him know
we're here.
Aye-aye, Skip.
McHale, I have someone here
who wants to speak to you.
- "Say, Hey, buddy."
- McHale!
-Recognize the voice?
-Hold your fire!
He's got Roberto!
Whoa. Incoming!
Hit the deck!
-Whoo! Yeah!
-Whoo!
- What was that?
- I think it was an explosion, sir.
- Let's go back and take a look.
- Okay, sir.
-Nice shot, Carpenter.
-Thanks.
-More power, Jose. Let's go.
-You got it.
McHale, look!
-Good job, kid.
-I'll get him, Skip.
- Thanks, Parker.
- Eeeyaah!
I'm comin', buddy boy.
[ Coughing ]
Just relax. Kick your feet.
What is that?
Let him have it!
- Oh. my God!
- Hey!
- Jose, we need more power!
- I'm givin' her all she's got!
-Is he still there?
-I don't know. He's not on the radar, sir.
-Firing torpedo number one!
-No, Skip! Not that one!
Sorry, Skip. I got a good
deal on 'em in Havana.
You ever hear of a humidor,
knucklehead?
-We're hit! We're hit!
-All right, take her down for a landing!
Firing torpedo number two!
[ Chuckling ]
Hey, Vlady.
How's your hemorrhoids?
Huh?
[ Engines Sputter ]
[ Groans ]
This is for Panama.
What a dick!
[ Cheering ]
Yeah! Whoa! Aaaah!
Great job, guys. Now
let's go pick up Cobra.
-Let's go! Everybody out!
-Let's go, men!
Right down on the beach!
Go ahead!
Watch out for that propeller.
Let's go!
[ Grunting ]
-Thanks a lot, little buddy.
-No problem.
You know, I totally forgot
about that inner-ear thing.
Hey! My whistle.
[ Weak, Trilling Whistle ]
And it still works too.
[ Applause ]
[ Cobra ]
Congratulations, young man.
Yes, congratulations
are in order.
You men deserve these medals
'cause you earned them!
I'm proud of you.
The Navy is proud of you.
God bless you all.
-Thank you, sir.
-Thank you, sir.
Right-hand salute.
Thank you, gentlemen.
Lieutenant Commander Carpenter.
Congratulations.
Uh... uh...
I never could pin one of
these things on a woman.
Uh, hold out your hand,
young lady.
Thank you very much.
[ Chuckles ] [ Applause ]
Thank you. [ Chuckling ]
I would like to present
this commendation...
and this medal for bravery...
to the Navy's newest
lieutenant, Charles T. Parker.
You, sir, embody the spirit
and dedication...
that is in accordance with
the highest Navy traditions.
Thank you, sir. [ Chucking ]
I guess I'd like to thank, uh, the
Academy-- the Naval Academy--
[ Laughs ] I'm just kiddin'.
[ Parker Continues ] Quinton,
thanks for the save.
I want you to accept this medal
and this brand-new ball field...
as a token of appreciation from
the Navy for all your hard work.
-Thank you, Admiral.
-What?
-Thanks, Dad.
[ Laughs ] All right!
[ Chuckling ]
-Hey, how's my old boat runnin'?
-Well, it's old, but it can still kick a little ass.
Yeah! [ Chuckling ]
Words from that old Negro spiritual--
That's enough, son.
And now, Roberto Valenzuela would
like to make a special presentation.
[ Cheering Applause ]
McHale?
McHale, on behalf of the
people from San Moreno,
we would like to thank you
for saving our island.
To show our appreciation, we would
like to give you a little gift.
[ Engine Revving ]
Wow! It looks good.
Sounds good too.
I guess I won't have to fiddle
with it this time. Whoo!
How about a ride, Penelope?
You know the Navy's rules about
fraternization between officers.
Well... looks like
I'm retired again.
[ Revs Engine ]
Whoo!
[ Applause, Cheering ]
Whoo, yeah!
Hey, ump.
Let's get the game started.
Uh, yes. Right away.
And McHale? [ Sighs ]
Congratulations.
You too, Carpenter.
-Good... job.
-Yeah, it was, wasn't it?
Play ball!
Whoo! Yeah!
Kids. Whoo-hoo-hoo.
Hey, Dad! Don't wait up for me!
Whoo!
[ With Russian Accent ]
Here he comes.
It's about time.
Gentlemen, I'm sorry I'm late.
Welcome.
It's an honor to have...
such distinguished visitors
as yourselves on my island.
I hope the trip
was satisfactory.
Forget that.
I hope that you have
considered our offer.
Yes, and I do have
some concerns...
but they are minor.
We now expect your full
cooperation, Governor.
Secrecy is of the utmost importance.
You understand?
Of course, of course.
There is no chance
anyone will ever know.
What the hell is that?
[ Camera Shutter Clicking ]
[ With German Accent ]
Gentlemen.
This is Major Vladakov.
He will be in charge.
I am sure you are aware
of his reputation.
He is perhaps the second-greatest
terrorist in the world
[ chuckling ]
What? You are not?
It's impossible to get number one.
He's never available.
How fortunate for me.
Now, to our mission:
Restoring the old world order...
so that once again, you
may all drive Cadillacs,
and I can become the number-one
terrorist in the world.
So, let's take a tour
of your island,
shall we?
This guy is a big mistake.
I don't think so.
We'll see.
[ Shutter Clicking ]
[ Rock 'N' Roll ]
Oh, the house is a-rockin'
Don't bother knockin'
yeah, the house is a-rockin'
Don't bother knockin'
yeah, the house is a-rockin'
Don't bother
come on in
well, keep talkin' and
she starts losin' the blues
This old house
ain't got nothin' to lose
I've seen it all for years
Start spreadin' the news
we got room on the floor
come on, baby
Shake somethin' loose
well, the house is a-rockin'
Don't bother knockin'
yeah, the house is a-rockin'
Don't bother knockin'
The house is a-rockin'
Don't bother come on in
oh
yeah
well, the house is a-rockin'
Don't bother knockin'
yeah, the house is a-rockin'
Don't bother knockin'
The house is a-rockin'
Don't bother
come on in
well, walkin' up the street
you can hear the sound
Some band honky-tonka few
Layin' it down
They've seen it all
for years
Ain't gota-nothin' to lose
So get out on the floor
yeah, baby
Shake somethin' loose
oh, the house is a-rockin'
Don't bother knockin'
yeah, the house is a-rockin'
Don't bother knockin'
yeah, the house is a-rockin'
Don't bother
come on in
yow
[ Men Talking, Shouting ]
[ Man ] Hey, good shot
Left, right, left.
To the left, to the left,
to the left, right, left.
To the left, to the left,
to the left, right, left.
To the left, to the left,
to the left, right, left.
To the left, to the left,
to the left, right, left
To the left, to the left,
to the left, right, left.
Company, halt!
Request permission to commence
flag-raising ceremony, sir.
Permission granted,
Ensign Parker.
[ Humming "The
Star-Spangled Banner" ]
[ Continues Humming ]
[ Continues Humming ]
Uh-oh.
[ Loud Crack ]
Holy mother of liberty!
That's a federal offense.
Plus it's big. You need a medium.
McHale, what are you doing here?
This base is
for Naval personnel only.
You are gonna get--
Hey, cool whistle.
You know, McHale, you cannot bribe
your way onto a Naval base.
Keep it. I'll see you later.
[ Tooting ]
[ Notes Descending ]
[ Man ] come on, Willie.
quit stallin'.
It's your turn.
Oh, lighten up, Gruber.
You can't rush this stuff
you don't complain
when you're drinkin' it
"If it hadn't actually
happened to me,
"I never would have
thought it possible.
"It all started one night in a
small diner outside of town.
"I couldn't help but
notice how the waitress...
"kept giving me the sexy eye.
Oh.
"Then her twin sister
walked in." Uh-uh.
With their mother.
This stuff
never really happens.
Yeah, well, I can personally
guarantee that this one did.
Oh, you wrote this one.
No way.
Big way.
So there I was,
one man gazing
into six blinking eyes...
and three pairs of pouty lips.
I was so hot, my hoagie fell..
into a plate
of their special sauce.
- No way.
- Big way.
The question is,
do I tip ten or twenty percent?
Better make it 30 and leave a little
somethin' for Grandma. Hey, boys.
[ All Talking ]
All right, good news.
Company's got a new division:
McHale's Ice Cream.
Comes in 31 gourmet favors,
including Pineapple,
Orange Tint,
13 kinds of Chocolate Mint--
- "Mango Tango Bango Berry."
- "Banana Boat Chunky Cherry."
- "Funky Lumpy Monkey Berry"?
- "Loosey-Goosey Scary Berry."
- And just plain Berry.
- Any of these low fat?
They're all low fat, if
you spit out the chunks.
Hey, that's an idea.
I've got 1,000 gallons.
That's 4,000 pints. Our
cost is a dollar a unit.
So what do we charge?
We can probably get five, six bucks apiece.
Five, six bucks.
- Better make it six.
- Six bucks.
Wait a second. A thousand
gallons, that is 8,000 pints.
Oh, yeah, that's right.
Yeah. Thank you.
Anybody want to place any last-minute
bets on the big game?
I'm in for 20. I'm in for 25.
Here's 20. Give him 20.
25. Give him 25.
Pot's right. This stuff is
for sellin', not snackin'.
We better get seven, our
cost being two bucks a unit.
I thought it was a buck. That's
before I knew we had twice as much.
Come on! [ All Talking ]
See you guys later.
Mm. That's yummy.
Where you been, McHale? Y-You
gonna take care of me?
Don't I always? Chill! Come on.
Did you get me the good stuff?
You got somethin' for me? Yeah.
[ Panting ]
"Orange, Strawberry,
Banana." Light.
Thanks, McHale.
You're a prince.
One more thing. You got a freezer?
Yeah. Why?
I need you to unload
some ice cream for me.
Anything for you, McHale. Good,
'cause I got some chili coming in.
Okay.
Oh! Hoo!
[ Beeping, Whirring ]
Hey, buddy. Hey, buddy!
Got those pictures
I need, buddy?
Got those pictures
I need, buddy?
Yes!
Thanks, buddy.
Oh, thank you, buddy.
Wow.
[ Boat's Horn Blows ]
Hola, McHale.
Hey, thanks, Miguel.
Meet me by the campsite
In the caravan
on the Riviera
[ Motorcycle Revving ]
But she don't care a bit
She say
I'm workin' on my tan
McHale, ole. How ya doin'? Hi.
oh, mon
[ Children Shouting ] McHale!
Hi, kids.
Hey, Doc. McHale.
Thanks. Oh!
We really needed this.
How can we ever
make it up to you?
Forget about it. I'm happy
to help out any way I can.
Well--
If you want another kidney,
the answer is no...
unless you got a new set of golf clubs.
[ Chuckles ]
All right, men, listen up.
Today's the big day.
The satellite photos are in,
and they're clear.
Now, as you can see right here their
cleanup hitter crowds the plate.
What's that mean, Juan? Hit him
in the head with a fastball.
No, unfortunately he's wearing a helmet.
Then we pitch him inside.
Right, and that means? He will pull
it, so I play closer to the line.
Plus you can trip him when
he's going around second base.
You guys got a great coach.
All right, Roberto's
the cutoff man.
And he's not here. Where is he?
Sorry, McHale. I tried to
keep an eye on him for you...
but he's always running off
[ Sighs ] Okay. All right.
This is their third base
coach giving the steal sign.
Picking his nose
is the steal sign?
I told you they were crafty.
Who's the best team
in the Caribbean?
San Moreno! And who's
gonna crush San Felipe?
- San Moreno!
- Who's gonna run 20 wind sprints to warm up for the game?
San Moreno!
[ All Groaning ] All
right, guys, come on.
Let's go! Come on, fellas.
Wait a minute, wait a
minute, wait a minute.
You guys look terrible.
Look at those jerseys.
You're never going to get on "This Week
in Caribbean Baseball" looking like that.
- I guess you better wear these.
- What is it?
Wow! Cool! New jerseys!
If you win today,
next week you get pants.
Wow, thanks! Yeah, thanks!
[ Chuckling ]
What are you laughing at?
You know my Harley's
runnin' a little rich.
That's because you fiddle
with it all the time.
I don't fiddle with it.
All right, I'll fix it. At
least I know what I'm doing.
If you knew what you were doing, I wouldn't
have to fiddle with it all the time.
You're late.
McHale, I gotta talk to you.
Hey, Roberto, where you been?
Last night by the pier
I saw the Governor...
meeting some strange-looking dudes
in uniforms, so I took some pictures.
I've told you a million times,
knock off the spy stuff.
You've got the best glove of any
outfielder I've ever seen. Life is good.
Give me the film.
I'm just trying to look
out for you, all right?
Come on, let's play some ball.
I got you a new jersey.
All right, guys!
Let's get ready now!
Come on, let's play some ball!
Good morning, sir.
Good morning.
Sir, the launch will be ready to
take us to the base in 15 minutes.
I have all this knowledge, and they send
me to this dump in the middle of nowhere.
Twenty years
of Naval experience,
and I always get passed over
for the good assignments.
No one can convince me that it isn't
because of that damn cruise ship incident.
[ Clears Throat ] Sir, may I
respectfully offer an opinion?
You may.
I studied the Caribbean
at the academy, sir,
and, if you don't mind
me saying so,
this area is very critical.
Perhaps they sent you here because
you possess the ability...
to turn this into a
top-notch Naval facility.
Huh! You think so?
Yes, sir. This may
be just the place...
where your attention to
discipline is appreciated.
I could use a new challenge.
Maybe this time there'll be some
raw material I can work with.
They're coming!
[ Reel Spinning ]
Oh! Marlin on. Marlin on!
They're here! Oh! Ow.
They're coming, the boat!
Hey, guys! Hey, guys!
[ Pinball Machine Beeping ]
[ Panting ]
Hey, ice cream! How much?
Ten bucks a pint.
Put me down for chocolate
and anything else...
that's got a nutty thing
going on, but no raisins.
The new C.O.
is on his way here now!
He's not due 'til next week.
Yeah, well he's here.
Hey you guys.
We got a little boat comin' in.
Well, there goes
tonight's luau.
Oh, man, we gotta hide
our stuff.
And put on your uniforms
and fall in.
We were supposed
to keep those things?
Come on, knucklehead.
I'll buy you another one.
Come on, Chuck. You can do it.
All you need is just a little confidence.
Think promotion.
I think I can. I think I can.
I think I can.
Greetings, Captain Binghampton.
At your service Captain.
[ Shouting ] It's an honor,
Captain Binghampton, sir!
I better tone that down.
Uh-- [ Sighs ]
Thank you
for that greeting, Ensign.
Um, Charles T. Parker, sir.
Welcome to San Sid.
What?
Oh, that's the base's
nickname, sir.
See, this is San Ysidro island,
the main island
in the San Ysidro chain,
located right between Cuba and--
pftt-- the Virgin Islands.
But the locals just shortened the
Ysidro to Sid. See? San Sid, sir.
You're a moron, aren't you?
[ Sighs ]
[ Binghampton ] What's this?
"This is a tarp, short for
tarpaulin," which is generally--
Not this! This!
Oh. Oh! [ Chuckles ]
Well, this is
a frosty concoction...
home brewed by one of our
colorful yet loveable locals.
[ Chuckles ]
This is a military
installation, not a brewery.
I've heard about this place. It's
a lot less of a naval base...
and a lot more of sand baggers trying to get
free food and lodging out of Uncle Sam!
Now, that is not
entirely true, sir.
[ Men Shouting ]
Fall in.
Whoa! Check it out.
Hey.
[ Whispering ]
[ Snickers ]
Excuse me, sir.
Oh, look out.
Okay, let's hear it.
Come on.
I have heard them all.
Well, what is it?
I'd like to polish her turrets?
I'd like her to inate my raft?
I'd like to swab her deck?
[ Snickers ]
Well?
Um--
Uh, the swabbin' the deck one.
Really?
Mm-hmm.
Well, I am a superior officer,
and one more joke like that,
and I am recommending that
you are all transferred...
to our base deep in
Alaska's Aleutian Islands.
This place is so isolated...
you will spend your days
spit-shining urinals...
and drunkenly trawling for
innocent civilians to beat up.
[ Clears Throat ] Uh, ma'am?
Would this be a
permanent-duty assignment?
Ow! Sorry.
Sorry, sir. Ma'am.
Good work, Lieutenant.
Thank you, sir.
Atten-hut!
Hey, Happy, ain't that the
guy who sunk the Love Boat?
Oh, yeah.
- Did we wake you up?
- No, sir.
We've been up since
the crack of noon, sir.
Well, that's going to change.
Inspection in five minutes.
Fall out!
[ All Talking ]
What's the hurry, boys?
The new C.O.'s coming. We gotta
get all this stuff cleaned up!
Want some ice cream? Oh!
Would you guys relax? You know
how these new C.O.s are.
They're tough for two weeks.
Before you know it, they're trading shore
passes for toilet paper with aloe.
Not this guy, McHale.
He's D for difficult.
The type of difficult
that makes a-- Shut up.
You're making good time, and
you've still got 16 seconds.
So keep it up. I'll talk to you later.
Make your bed! Make your bed!
Up here!
[ Men Clamoring ]
Attention on deck!
Suck it in, mister!
I'm totally sucked, sir.
How about a shave, sailor?
Been thinkin' about it, sir.
Working without tools, eh?
What happened to your sleeves?
Uh, lost 'em
in a poker game, sir.
Angry loser.
[ Groans ]
Where is your bunk, son?
It's outside, sir.
Outside? Yeah.
It's, uh, out there
on up in a tree, sir.
You have a gravity
problem, son?
Uh, no, sir.
You just enjoy sleeping
up in the trees?
Oh, I sure do, sir.
Carpenter, take a note.
From now on, anything found...
sleeping up in a tree
after lights out...
will be shot, understood?
Noted, sir.
What are you trying to
hide from me, Ensign?
[ Whispers ] Why, nothing, sir.
Why, nothing, sir.
Move.
It appears to be
more contraband sir:
"McHale's Mai Tai."
"McHale's Ale."
"McHale's Girls of the San
Ysidro Islands Calendar."
Would someone tell me
what this is?
Well, these are
scantily clad ..
Yet tasteful photos of
women the men use as--
Shut up! [ Slurping ]
What were you eating, sailor?
[ Swallows, Moans ]
McHale's Ice Cream." No.
[ Binghampton ] Well, well, well,
well, well
You men have done something
that I've never seen before.
You've managed to transform an
official military installation...
into aisle three
at the Price Club!
What a resourceful group.
Thank you, sir, but we really
can't take all the credit.
We owe it to our
good buddy, McHale.
- Hmm!
- Shh!
Welcome to the Navy, gentlemen.
All right, driver, take
this garbage to the dump!
And make sure everything
is in official accordance...
with the rules of Navy dumping!
[ Horn Honks, Engine Starts ]
[ No Audible Dialogue ]
Okay.
You know, this part
of the island,
I don't think
you want to go here.
It's all so muddy, and the
villagers are interrupting.
This isn't the best place to do
[ Device Beeping ]
To do whatever heinous things
you're planning to do.
[ Chuckling ]
Major, this spot is primo.
The vectors are perfect.
Their range is maximum.
This is where we shall set up.
[ Boys Talking ]
You, boy.
Where did you get that shirt?
Oh, uh, that's
their coach, McHale.
H-H-He's a nobody.
He's an old retired American
sailor that comes around..
And coaches the team.
He lives on an island,
all by himself.
[ Vladakov ] Run
along to McHale, boys.
[ Low Growl ]
I hope you will
not be so loose-lipped...
if someone should ask about me.
B-But I wouldn't say anything.
Besides, I don't know
anything about you,
except that you're the second-best
terrorist in the world.
Major, our equipment
has arrived.
Take me to it.
[ Man ] Move it! Move it! Move it!
Come on, faster! Faster!
[ Vladakov ] Did you hear
what he called me, David?
Huh? Second best"?
You heard that, right?
Don't go there.
You always do this.
He meant it as a compliment.
You always have to turn it
into something about you.
Why do you always
minimize my pain?
I thought we were getting somewhere,
and as your psychiatrist,
I now realize we have a lot
of work to do on this.
But I am here to help you,
even if you are holding my entire
family hostage in Bangladesh.
Major Vladikov,
I see a lot of equipment...
for such a quiet operation.
Why don't you just say
that if I were any better...
I would need less equipment?
Easy.
[ Exhales Sharply ]
Thank you, Governor.
You are dismissed.
Oh, and Governor?
May I suggest that you use
some of that graft...
to invest in a solid
antiperspirant?
You people
Got a heart of steel, yeah
Do the funky boogie now,
Come on and show me,
[ Snorting ]
Feel good music in your soul
Hey, Petey.
[ Snorting ] Huh?
Come on. What a pig.
Hey. Hey, hey
Hey Pocky Way
Want to go for a ride?
Old McHale had a farm
E-I-E-I-O
Come on, sing with me.
And on his farm
he had a pig
I'm not groovin'
[ Petey Continues Snorting ]
gonna make you feel good
Feel good
music in your soul
it's gonna make your body, rock and roll
roll
Hey. Hey, hey
[ Snorting ]
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
You are so lucky.
I wish I could fit in that box.
Now go make me some breakfast.
Finally, David,
my stealth boat.
What do you think of her?
Very stealthy, sir.
Alzo, is she ready yet?
I feel like a sunset
cruise this evening.
Very soon, sir. And Major?
I know your nautical knowledge and
experience is somewhat limited,
but just give it a little time.
Hey, can't be the second-greatest
terrorist in the world forever.
Roberto, my boy.
You've definitely
got some talent.
Vladakov?
[ Object Approaching Rapidly ]
[ Groaning ]
[ Coughing ]
Ahoy, McHale!
How are you enjoying
your retirement?
Fine, fine. It's just not as peaceful
as I'd like it to be right now.
I haven't seen you since Panama.
What have you been up to?
I've been looking
all over for this.
Oh, you know, the usual. Madness,
mayhem, death and destruction.
Yeah, me too.
Listen, I'd have you up, but
it's a little messy right now.
Why don't you stay right there?
Yeah, right.
Damn. [ Vladakov Laughing ]
Stand by for further air conditioning.
[ Electronic Beeps ]
What a dick.
[ Squealing ]
[ Continues Squealing ]
Come on, Petey.
Watch out! [ Squealing ]
Whoa!
[ Yelling ]
Hold on!
Go warn the others!
[ Bleating ]
[ Panting ]
[ Mechanical Whirring ]
[ Machine Guns Firing ]
Oh!
[ Laughing ]
[ Engine Starts ]
Shit!
Yes!
Whoa!
[ Mechanical Whirring ]
Well, McHale, I guess
this makes us even.
[ Gasping ]
Order arms!
That, in case you are
unfamiliar with it,
was our national anthem.
And you slobs, in case you
are unfamiliar with it,
are in the United States Navy.
Not McHale's Navy;
the United States Navy!
There'll be no more
sloppiness, no more fun,
and most definitely,
no more McHale.
McHale!
[ Men Shouting ]
Call 911. Call 911.
Hey, hey, hey. Wha--
What am I going
to do with you, Quint?
Well, how about
a sponge bath for starters,
and maybe later a foot massage?
[ Chuckling ]
Personality intact.
You were out for a while.
What happened?
Uh, some crazed East
German blew up my boat.
Which reminds me, you gotta
hand me my underwear.
I have to go kill him now.
Mm-hmm.
[ Door Opens ] [ Carpenter ]
Atten-hut!
We haven't met, McHale,
so I'll be brief.
My name is Captain
Wallace B. Binghampton.
That's brief?
I'm the new commanding officer.
And you, mister, are a
bootlegger and a smuggler.
- I don't believe we've met. I'm Quinton McHale.
- Lieutenant Penelope Carpenter.
- You know, your boyfriend's kind of rude.
- I'm not her boyfriend.
- Did you guys break up?
- She was never my girlfriend.
- Just lovers, huh?
- You listen to me, mister.
When I'm done with you,
you're gonna wish...
whoever you tangled with last
night had finished you off.
Captain, please, this man has
just been through a major trauma.
Plus I'm due for a sponge bath.
You're under arrest. Throw
this bum in the brig!
- Lieutenant?
- What is it?
You know, I used to be
in the Navy too.
And I'm sure they threw a
big party after you left.
Well, as a matter of fact--
You know, it seems like she hates me, but
I'm sure it's all part of her master plan.
Don't just stand there,
boys, grab a sponge!
[ Roberto ] I tell you guys
something strange is going on on
the other side of the island.
[ Boy ] What's your
problem, dude?
You always think something's
going on, but nothing ever is.
You're living in a James
Bond fantasy world.
You have to get in
touch with reality.
[ Men Shouting ]
What's that noise?
Come on, let's go.
[ Shouting Continues ]
Fantasy world, huh?
This looks pretty real to me.
I must maintain discipline. These
men must be taught a lesson.
I understand that sir but
you're just taking it...
a little too far, that's all.
[ Vladakov laughing ]
Come on, let's go.
Well, David, where were we?
Of course you had a traumatic
childhood, Uh-huh.
But there are better ways to deal
with people than just shooting them.
Well, what do you suggest, David?
Good afternoon, Major.
Yes, yes, what do you
want, you island wart?
B-But, uh, Major, please. Major!
The people from the
village near here,
they have very little.
They have you.
You said no one would
even know you were here.
You've torn up the roads.
You've ruined
the baseball field.
You've disrupted the lives of my people.
And your point is?
You have to take into
consideration the people--
my people-- as we move
forward in our relationship.
Consider them considered.
Governor, you have my word.
I knewl could talk to you, Major.
We're both reasonable men.
I am not a reasonable man.
All the more reason
then that, uh--
Tonight, at the fiesta I will
tell the people all is well.
All is well. All is well.
All is well. All is well.
Suddenly, I am in a party mood.
[ Sand Steel Drums Playing,
Fireworks Exploding ]
Jose, have you seen what they've
done to the baseball field?
What's going down, man? Look.
The governor says he's spoken to them,
and everything's going to be all right.
Where's McHale? Isn't he coming?
He'll be here.
Has he ever missed a fiesta?
[ Horn Honks ]
I hope we are not too late...
for happy hour!
Governor!
join the party.
Your governor tells me you are
unhappy with our presence here.
He tells me you have
been complaining...
because the base is
too near the village.
So, we have a solution.
We move the village.
Come on, guys. It's party time.
[ Soldiers Shouting ]
You traitor! How much did he
pay you to betray your people?
Major. Major, please help
me, or they will kill me!
Here. Take my hand.
Thank you! Psych!
Major! Ma--
I don't care what anybody says.
That's funny.
Admiral, sir. Yes, what is it?
Photos from the satellite
look bad.
There are supply ships,
transports.
We also have reports of fires on the island.
We think this man is running the operation.
Vladakov.
All right. who's the commanding
officer we got down there right now?
- Uh, Captain Binghampton, sir.
- Binghampton. Binghampton!
Isn't that the guy
that sank the Love Boat?
[ Chuckles ] Well, it-- it wasn't
the real Love Boat, sir.
Oh. Well, let's get him
on the vid-link.
Yes, sir.
Vladakov.
Carpenter! What do you think?
Hat on. Hat off.
No, no. Hat on. Makes me look intelligent.
[ Radio Beeping, Humming ]
Captain, this is Cobra.
Yes, Cobra! This is
Captain Wallace B.--
Let me get right down to it.
We have reason to believe
there is a terrorist cell...
forming on an island
adjacent to your base.
What? Terrorists, here?
I'll find them for you, sir.
Don't you worry about that.
I'll hunt them down like--
Binghampton you are
to do nothing.
The last thing the President
wants is more gunboat diplomacy.
The President?
How would you like us
to proceed, sir?
There is one person down there...
who can handle
an up-close inspection.
He was one of the top covert
operatives in the Navy.
His name is Quinton McHale.
He should be somewhere
near your area.
I'll try to locate him
for you, sir.
Good. Cobra out.
No. What do you mean, no?
- No!
- The Navy needs you, McHale.
-Give me a break.
-Doesn't that mean anything to you?
You're just gonna
turn your back?
I know all about the Navy, and
about backs getting turned.
I could have told Washington
this is the way you would react.
I'm gonna do you
a favor, McHale.
I'm gonna say that I couldn't find you.
I'm gonna say
that you'd left the area.
And you know what
you're going to do?
You're going to leave the area!
Now, get out!
You know, you're annoying.
No wonder she dumped you.
-McHale, wait!
-Carpenter, don't waste your breath.
-This is an operation I'm well equipped to handle.
-But, sir
I've been waiting for this
my entire life,
and believe me, I could do
this with my eyes sewn shut,
and both hands tied
behind my back--
McHale!
[ Bleating ] You guys Okay?
Looks like you had
a heck of a party here.
Things are lookin' up.
[ Rustling ]
McHale
-Hey, Roberto.
-Where you been?
[ Sighs ] Long story.
-Something terrible has happened.
-You noticed, huh?
No, worse. The village and the
baseball field are all gone.
-What are you talking about?
-That weird dude I took pictures of,
he destroyed everything.
Here's the deal. I'll do it,
but I'm gonna do it my way.
Ha! Oh, no, you're not.
Let's call Cobra
and see what he thinks.
Oh, but, uh-- [ Chuckles ]
All right, McHale. Now what
do you mean by your way?
I want my boat back, and
I want my old crew back.
I want the barracks on the
far side of the island.
I want tents and
supplies for 200 people,
and, uh, also
six dozen freezers.
Are you out of your mind?
D-- You stop doing that!
I want to be left alone.
I'll only answer to Cobra.
- Do we have an understanding?
- Yes.
I-I-If it's all right with the Captain.
No, it's not all right with me.
All right, McHale.
I'm gonna give you just enough
rope to hang yourself with,
and if you screw up-- or I
should say when you screw up--
it's your butt, mister.
Welcome back, McHale.
That's Lieutenant Commander
McHale to you, Carpenter.
I know. It's weird.
[ Laughs ]
Man, this thing shrank.
-Hey, buddy.
-Hey, hey. Hey, buddy.
Boys, I give you your new home.
Well, we throw on some paint, put up
some curtains, plant a shrub or two--
And it'll still suck.
I knew you guys would need cheerin' up,
so I've arranged for a reunion. Come on.
[ Men Grumbling ]
Hey, cool! All right!
Yes! Thanks, Skip.
Well, hey, Skip.
I don't see any of my stuff.
Oh, yeah? Come here.
Christy, think fast.
Thanks, Virgil.
Hmm! Oh, yeah.
Oh... you know, there's a
sensitive side to you, Skipper.
Thanks, little buddy.
Hey, Skip.
thanks for the stuff.
It's great to be back
together again, man.
So, Skip, what kind
of mission are we on?
Hey, Skip!
Looks like we've got
some company.
[ People Shouting ]
All right, guys, help 'em out.
Hey, Roberto, how ya doin'?
Come on, kids. How ya doin'?
Come on over.
-Come on. How are ya?
-I've got some great news.
I've got a hundred tents set up for you guys.
just one catch.
What's that? I was lying
about them being set up.
I'll make you a deal. We'll
take care of the tents.
You just get our island back.
I'll make you that deal if you
do something about my boat.
Have you been fiddling with it again?
Hey, if I was fiddling with it, you
wouldn't have to fix it. Come on.
Come in.
Ensign Parker here, sir.
You wanted to see me?
Uh, yes, Parker.
I don't think
that I've shown you...
the respect that you deserve.
Have you been getting the fruit
baskets I've been sending you, sir?
Yes.
Yes.
You know, Ensign,
I think it's possible...
that you're
lieutenant material,
and I have an assignment for you
that just might prove that.
Sir, I am ready for anything
Good. I want you to go to McHale's
base, find out what's going on,
get every drop of information,
and report back to me.
-Understood?
-Thank you, sir.
-Well, hop to it!
-Oh, y-yes, sir.
[ Air Wheezing ]
The best I can figure, this
building here is a command center.
The rest looks like standard stuff, if
you're building a gigantic missile silo.
But it's so out in the open.
Vladakov's an underground terrorist.
I can't believe he'd do something this big
on the doorstep of a U.S. naval base.
- How do you know this chump?
- We lived together for a while.
Oh. I didn't know. Not that
I'm judging you or anything.
At Quantico. He trained as a
double agent under Cobra.
Oh. I heard that this guy's
supposed to be like...
the second-best terrorist
in the world.
Yeah but he wanted to be the
best, and then got greedy.
[ McHale ]
After we captured him, the Pentagon said..
We couldn't keep both of them,
so we had to let him go.
So he got away clean?
Not exactly. We made a
little detour on the way.
My name and this face are two
things he's never gonna forget.
- [ All Laughing ]
- What?
[ Parker ] Help! Help!
-What is that?
Help! Help! Help!
Help! Help! Help!
McHale!
Fish him out, boys.
-Help!
Help!
Help! Help!
Oh! Thanks. Thanks, guys.
Thanks. Thanks, guys.
Thanks. Thanks. Oh!
I saw fish out there, big fish.
I saw a marlin--
I bet you're wondering what I'm doing
with a piece of driftwood on my head?
That's only one
of many questions.
Don't you want to hear about the driftwood?
I was going for a natural look.
Let him go, guys
Wait a minute. Wait a minute, guys.
Guys, come on. This is
really uncomfortable.
Binghampton sent you here
to spy on us, didn't he?
I'm not tellin'you a thing until you pop me.
Come on and pop me!
What are you gonna do
with that thing?
[ Hissing ] Aaahhh!
[ Screaming ]
[ Grunts, Groans ]
You okay, Parker?
Put me in the game, coach.
-I'll get a touchdown fourth quarter.
-Snap out of it.
Since we've already burst your bubble,
I'm gonna lay it to you straight.
We're goin' to Vladakov's and find out
how come he put a terrorist camp...
in our friendly
little neighborhood here.
Now, if you wanna tell Binghampton,
I'd be happy to take you there,
but I think you'd rather
stay here and help us out.
You gonna give me something
important to do?
Absolutely.
I love you guys! Buddy check!
All right, watch my fins. Guys,
watch my-- [ Grunts, Yells ]
Come on, stupe. Hurry up. I'm
cuttin' as fast as I can.
-Turn 'em around the right way
-Sorry, it didn't come with a manual
That's gonna be a pretty
big satellite station.
Looks like it, doesn't it?
We're in.
All right, Gruber, Willie,
check out the far side.
Right. Christy,
Virgil, go south.
South. Happy and I
are gonna go north.
What do you want me to do?
That's our only way out of here.
Guard it.
[ indistinct Chatter ]
[ Chatter Continues ]
Willie, look at that rocket.
That's big enough
to start World War III.
[ Shouting indistinct ]
Whoa! Yes!
I bet this is their
munitions depot.
Gee. You suppose?
[ Carl ] Major? Yes?
Everything appears to be on schedule
for rendezvous with Feckler.
With no complications, we are
fully operational in 35 hours.
There will be no complications!
I will neither allow
nor tolerate failure!
Speaking of which,
where is my vodka?
Has it arrived yet?
You! Go and see!
Schnell! Schnell!
Real important part
the mission.
Oh, they couldn't
do without me.
Let's see how they feel when they
don't have Equipment Guy there at--
[ Laughing ]
[ Laughing,
Chatting In Russian ]
[ Rattling, Metal Clanking ]
[ Snoring ]
You okay? Yeah, yeah.
Fine. Let's go.
What's that? We need it.
- It's cable-ready.
- Come on, guys.
Why don't you just put up a big sign
that says we came here and stole stuff?
[ Bottles Rattling ]
Okay, we can't take everything.
Um, leave the guns.
[ Vladakov ] Everything is going
beautifully and according to plan.
There's no need to keep
calling me all the time.
[ All Speaking At Once ]
Hello! Hello!
We are not going to get anywhere
if you all talk at the same time.
Listen, we know you're a little sensitive when
it comes to what appears to be criticism.
[ Chinese Leader ] When dealing
with the number two terrorist,
there's reason to be concerned
We need reassurances that
everything is all right.
Let me assure you that--
Major, something terrible has happened!
Someone has stolen a--
- just give me a minute.
- [ Leaders Arguing ]
I am sorry. I am sorry.
I am so, so sorry.
What is it?
Someone has stolen a piece of the core cylinder.
I thought you would want to know.
L-I could go ahead
and order a replacement,
but I think if they hear from you,
they might move a little faster.
Wait... here.
[ Short Exhale ]
Is something wrong?
What's going on?
We heard something
about stealing.
No, no. Nothing's wrong.
Everything's fine.
- Trust me.
- Hey, we don't appreciate that tone--
So what do you think they're gonna
do with a giant missile thing?
You got me, 'cause they also got a
lot of ground-based assault weapons.
The thing that doesn't
make any sense is:
Doesn't Vladakov know the
second we see that missile,
the troops are gonna come in
and wipe him out?
Parker? What? I
didn't do anything.
- What happened?
- [ Sighs ]
I'm a terrible officer.
I got pouty, I wandered off
and, well, then I broke this.
Skip?
You think you can rustle up one of
those vid-links for me real quick?
That's why I'm here.
-Great work, Parker.
-Thanks a lot, Skip.
That's better. That's better.
You say one of your men
disengaged the core cylinder?
That's brilliant! Yeah, thanks, but I
think it's only gonna slow Vladakov down.
It's not gonna stop him. It'll give us time
to come up with a plan to neutralize him.
We better quick; he's building a satellite
dish that's gonna be operational soon.
He also mentioned, uh, a rendezvous
with someone named Feckler?
Feckler?
He knows about Feckler?
- Who's Feckler?
- It's the name of my pet project.
The world's most advanced--
and until now--
Secret Satellite Tracking Weapons
Guidance System, or SiTWiGS.
- Why'd you call it Feckler"?
- We already had something called SiTWiGS."
Here. Let me
show you something.
The satellite is a G.P.S. system
for missile guidance.
It enables us to hit any target
in the world within six inches.
It comes around once a day
to change its launch codes.
Yeah, but from what I saw, Vladakov's
set up to steal those codes.
That's why I need you
to try and jam Vladakov
to buy us some time
until we can get there.
I'll get back to you.
Cobra out.
Can we do it, Willie?
Well, not with our equipment.
They have that Soviet-era crap.
We're gonna need the same
stuff to be compatible.
-How we gonna dig that up?
-When I think of Soviet-era crap, I think of Cuba.
Welcome to Cuba, boys.
Land of oppression
and opportunity.
Hello, Havana. I am gonna score enough
cigars to keep me puffin' for a year.
-Hey, guys, we are here on a mission.
-I got a mission of my own.
[ Laughing ] Knock it off, guys!
Come on. We got a job to do.
All right, fellas, listen up.
I'm gonna go in and make the deal.
I'll be right back.
You guys just hang out, okay?
Hang out.
-All right, who's got the Hackey Sack?
-Got it.
Oh, oh, oh. I got it.
Ow! Where'd it go?
Excuse me. ls Armando around?
-Armando is dead.
-Boy, I'm sorry to hear that.
Armando lives.
There is someone here to see you.
[ Dull Thud, Creaking ]
Hey, buddy.
-Hey, McHale. What's happening man? How you doin'?
-Good. What you been up to?
Oh, a little bit of this,
a little bit of that.
Mostly having ashbacks of concerts
I haven't been to yet, you know?
-Hey, you came at a good time, my friend.
-Why? You havin' a sale?
-Yeah, okay.
-Good.
I need one of those S.S.B. transceivers.
I'll give you 600 bucks.
You know, I may not remember
30 years of my life, man,
but I remember those things cost 700.
Really? Well, I can get 'em
in Damascus for five.
Hey, last time I looked,
we weren't in Damascus, man.
Thank you. I also need one of those
heat-seeking torpedo warheads,
I need two battery eliminators, one
of those satellite uplink units...
-and 5,000 rounds of 50-caliber ammo.
-Hey, no problem, man.
And, uh, I also need, uh,
some parts...
for a 1942 Packard
P.T. boat engine.
Oh, now, that might be tough, man.
Those Packards are very hard to fi--
Well, I got a cousin, man. Ernesto.
He'll take care of you.
Hey, guys, I don't see it.
It's a round sack. It's got beans in it.
Listen up, guys. We need to
take this back to the boat.
Me and Jose are going to
go buy some engine parts.
-Mr. Parker's in charge.
-Why, thanks, Skip.
All right, guys,
let's go. Head out!
Come on! [ Groaning ]
[ Rock ]
Gruber, that's the place
right there.
Uh, gee, Mr. Parker.
McHale forgot something.
Really? What? Uh--
Oh. It's, uh...
Olsen coaxial monitor cable.
An Olsen coaxial monitor cable?
Yep.
Uh heck yeah, Mr. Parker. I can't tap
into a Soviet satellite system
without a Olsen
coaxial monitor cable.
Nope. Well, of course.
We'll meet you back at the boat.
Yeah.
-Right.
-Wait a minute.
You guys better get, um, two of those,
uh, Olsen coaxial monitor cables...
-just to be on the safe side.
-Right.
-That's why you're the C.O.
-Always thinkin'.
[ Rumbling ]
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
[ Jazz Pop ]
Ese neuvo
Boys, every man for himself.
ese neuvo
Buenos noches, senorita.
-Buena
-Are you nueve in town?
[ Laughing ]
[ Laughing ]
Bartender, dos martinis,
por favor.
[ Foreign Accent ]
Is this called poker?
I would like so much
to learn the game...
and bring it back
to my native land.
But I only have a couple of hundred dollars.
[ Men Laughing ]
[ Grunting ]
[ Grunting ]
Ahh!
Rack 'em, amigo.
[ Coughs ]
And... it's your roll,
banana bud.
[ Chittering ]
Okay.
Okay, let's just roll, okay? Let's go.
Oh. God Oh!
Ernesto?
That's me.
Armando! Oh, yeah. We're twins.
I thought you were cousins.
Uh, yeah, yeah.
Yeah. We're-- Yeah.
We're twin cousins, man.
It's funny, man. Everybody in my
family, we all look alike, man.
Even my dog, man, looks just like me.
Hey, you want boat parts, man?
I got something to show you.
Come here.
Check it out, man.
Twin turbos, nitrous injected.
I really put my heart
into this, man.
I don't think I can sell it.
Well, maybe I can.
[ Chuckles ]
All right. Load it up.
You heard the man.
Load it up, man!
[ indistinct Chatter ]
[ Pistol Shots ]
[ Cat Screeching ]
[ Pistol Shots Continue ]
baby baby, won't you hear my
You're cheating.
[ Screeching ]
Let me see your dice.
Just as I thought--
loaded dice.
Who raised you, monkey?
I did. That's my monkey.
[ Chuckling ] Well, I can
kinda see the resemblance.
[ Chittering ]
baby baby, won't you hear my plea
[ Groaning ] Oh...
- Heh-heh-heh.
- [ Chuckles ]
[ Blows Landing ]
[ Both Grunting ]
[ Grunting Continues ]
[ Grunting Continues ]
Hey, Happy. What are you doin'?
-Well, it appears I insulted a monkey.
-Hey!
Thank you. I'm sorry.
Whoa!
[ Yelling ]
Yes, well, my stuntmen
have arrived.
Excuse me. I've got
to go rehearse.
Hey, Happy. How you doin'?
Peachy. Behind ya.
[ Muttering, Grunts ]
Duck.
- Yaaaah!
- Hey, hey!
[ Glass Breaking ]
-Hey, Virg. How's that rehearsal goin'?
-Uh, fine, Willie.
I think it's your cue.
Thank you.
Looked pretty real, didn't it?
Did I ever tell you about
the time I-- Whoa! Aaah!
Hey, Christy. Today!
Get a haircut.
[ Siren Wailing ]
[ Whistle Blowing ]
[ Woman ] Policia!
Whoa. Whoa, whoa! All right, all right!
[ Whistle Blowing ]
Seems like beginners luck.
[ Muttering ]
Well, look at the time
I think I hear my ride.
Uh, I'm in the San Ysidro book.
[ Shouting Grunting ]
You Commies fight
like a bunch of girls.
- Hey, Parker. Where's the guys?
- Oh, they'll be back soon.
They went back to get those Olsen coaxial
monitor cable things you forgot.
-Oh, Chuck.
-Oh, boy.
Skip. Skip, the guys
got busted by the cops.
All right, you stay here,
load up the boat. Come on!
[ Man ]
Si. Si, that's what I said
Huh?
Four American Navy sailors.
Bueno!
[ Chuckling ] Manuel! These four
men will be my calling card...
to meet el Presidente,
the man who has given me,
given our people all of this.
[ Whistles ] Hey, Senor.
- We wanna call our embassy.
- Yeah? Well, you just shut up!
You Anglo yankee pig dog.
[ Laughs ] That was a good one.
[ Cluttering ]
What?
El Presidente!
Release the American pig dogs
into our custody.
Manuel, go get the prisoners.
It is such an honor,
el Presidente.
I was just telling Manuel here it has
been my lifelong dream to meet you.
[ Chokes ]
What's that, el Presidente?
[ Choked Coughing ]
El Presidente said he would
be honored to have the cigars...
of the brave men
who captured the Americans.
Of course!
What's ours is el Presidente's.
In that case, he'd be honored
to have your shirt, tie,
sunglasses and-- why not--
your pants too.
Manuel, el Presidente
has honored us.
He is asking for our ties and our
shirts and our sunglasses...
and-- why not--
our pants too, eh?
And now we'll bring the
American dogs to the pound.
[ Mumbles in Spanish ]
[ Stammers ] Wait! Presidente, por favor
uno foto, eh?
Oh, el Presidente would love
to take a photo.
But el Presidente
is in such a big hurry!
How dare you give me orders!
Ow! Ow! Ow!
Why are you pinching
el Presidente?
Oh! Oh! Arrivederci!
Presidente!
It's so nice to meet you.
El Presidente.
All right, guys. We've only got
a few hours, so let's get set up.
Hey-
How did my father die, McHale?
Well, you know, I probably
shouldn't be talkin'...
about top-secret stuff
like that with an 11-year-old.
Was a good-lookin' man,
wasn't he?
Yeah, we were best friends.
He was a lot of fun.
And he really loved you.
[ Snifing ] He was
also a great soldier.
Very brave.
He found out that Vladakov was a
bad guy and had set us all up.
Your dad ended up saving a lot
of lives, including mine.
[ Sniffing ] Trouble was,
he couldn't save his own.
I'll kill Vladakov myself!
No. I lost your dad,
and I'm not gonna lose you.
I'm gonna get him.
I guarantee it.
- What if he gets you first?
- I'm not a bettin' man, but--
Wait a minute. I am a bettin' man.
I'm gonna bet on me, and
I think you should too.
Everything's
gonna be okay, kid.
All right?
Now, listen.
I need to go take a shower.
So you know what that means?
Don't ush. That's right.
[ Soldiers Shouting ]
Major, everything seems
to be on schedule,
uh, except
for the core cylinder.
And where is it?
They promised it soon.
-The plane! The plane!
-Don't shoot.
It's one of ours.
Aaah!
Our new cylinder has arrived.
-And look! There's a note.
-Yes?
Dear Vladakov,
We have found out about this.
"We are not very happy,
you lying sack of--"
Brilliance, intestinal fortitude,
exibility in crisis...
a-and tolerance?
I've just flashed upon a happier time.
[ Both Chuckling ]
I would run.
Schnell! Schnell!
[ Computers, Radar Beeping ]
Hey, Skip. It's Cobra.
McHale, our operatives
have discovered...
that Vladakov plans
to destroy the Pentagon.
It must be 'cause they're havin' that
world conference on terrorism this week.
Right. And the President's gonna be there
along with heads of 27 other countries.
Boy, he wants to be
number one real bad.
He's a loose cannon and he knows
how we operate. Be careful.
We will, sir. I've got a great crew
and we've got the equipment we need.
We're gonna be ready
to go in about an hour.
-McHale.
-Hey, I thought you killed that guy.
[ Grunting ] [ Pistol Firing ]
-Ow!
-Did I get him?
[ Whimpering, Groaning ]
Not quite, sir.
[ Door Closes ]
-So, is this gonna work?
-I hope so.
Don't let that idiot
Binghampton get in your way.
He's too busy gettin' in his own way, sir.
- Hey, you still stockin' that good cognac?
- Yeah. Why?
Because when I get down there this
afternoon with the SEAL team...
we'll need somethin' to
toast with when it's all over.
- All right, then.
- We'll talk soon.
Aye-aye.
[ Klaxon ]
[ Klaxon Continues ]
-Major! Major! Hurry!
-If you ever dare to intrude upon my shower again,
I shall make sure that
your death will be slow,
public and require at least
six separate coffins.
Do you understand?
Wait a minute. Aren't you the
one I told to alert me...
when the time was growing near, so
that I would not miss the big moment?
Well, then.
I'm... sorry.
[ Snickers ]
No problem.
[ Door Closes ]
[ Laughing ]
[ Parker ]
Ladies and gentlemen, and now it's time
To say good evening to my old pal, Happy
[ McHale ] Yeah! Happy!
Happy, now I see
you're all dressed up.
-Now, is this for the party or for a court appearance?
-A little lower.
- [ Laughter ]
- How do you guys find a date?
Mom, I wanna date
my sister
[ Laughter ] No, but seriously,
-you know, Happy, I have a girlfriend
-McHale.
Hey, Carpenter.
What brings you here?
Well, I came to tell you that
I've come to the conclusion...
that Binghampton is an idiot.
But... what are you doing?
Well, we're havin'
a Save the World" party.
Come here.
-How's it iookin', Willie?
-Uh, just lockin' in now. Wish me luck.
Wish you luck? I'm the one who
has to get up there onstage.
-How much time we got?
-Ninety seconds.
Ninety seconds.
Wait right here.
-How long?
-Seventy-five seconds, sir.
-Where's your dinghy, sailor?
-Why, it's where it always is, sir.
Is it hooked up to the masthead?
No, that was just like---
McHale, what is going on?
Vladakov's trying to steal
satellite codes...
so he can launch a missile that
could kill a lot of people.
-Go on.
-So we got all this stuff...
so we could jam his link
to the satellite.
Hopefully, this show will be the
only transmission he receives.
-But why the comedy club? Why all this stuff?
-Look at these people.
A few days ago, they got their
village burned to the ground
but they're here
laughin' their heads off.
That's what I love about
these guys-- their strength.
That's why I do my best
to protect 'em.
-Uh, Skip? It's time.
-Okay.
Be right back.
[ Laughter Continues ]
[ Applause ]
Starting countdown at 20..
19, 18, 17, 16
15,14,13,12,11--
[ Beeping ]
- Six, five
- Four, three
[ Beeping ]
NOW!
Buenos noches,
mujeres y caballeros!
-And welcome to McHa-Ha-Hale's Mambo Party!
-What is this?
I'm not sure, sir.
[ Laughter, Applause ]
[ Mambo ]
So let's get the show
r-r-r-r-r-rolling!
Our first performer-
ya know him, ya love him.
He's the hardest-working
smuggler on the black market.
Give it up for Quinton McHale!
[ Cheering Applause ]
[ Mambo ]
[ Music Stops ]
Thank you, Ensign Parker.
It's good to see ya
back in men's clothing.
McHale!
[ Laughing ]
I'm supposed to tell you about
our drink special tonight--
"Stolen Vodka Surprise."
We stole Vladakov's vodka.
[ All ] Surprise!
So this guy comes up to me and he says,
You know you shouldn't smoke.
We are in a new era.
If we do not devise some
greater and more equitable--
- Anybody here from San Felipe?
- [ Audience Booing ]
Okay, come on.
You're embarrassing me.
And I've got a very special
guest here tonight.
Let's show a little respect for
Lieutenant Penelope Carpenter.
[ Applause, Cheering ]
Now, let's give her big San Moreno welcome! Yes!
Yeah!
[ Crowd Cheering ]
- This guy goes to this house of ill repute-
- I'm sorry.
I-I don't know what
has happened.
I can't seem to stop
the transmission.
How is this possible?
You have to fix this!
This is horrible!
Oh, I don't know.
I thought the black guy was pretty good.
[ Groans ]
I mean, compared to the fat white guy.
[ Continues Groaning ]
You don't really want
to shoot me, do you?
- [ Grunting ]
- Mm-mmm.
- You!
- [ Shrieks ]
[ Shell Falling ]
[ Man Groaning ]
[ Straining ]
Here. Your lunch.
- Thank you.
- No problem.
Oh, my God.
[ Sighs ]
A completely unmotivated,
random killing.
All right, now I'd like to introduce
you to the Amazing Christy.
[ Cheering ] it's amazing what
he can do with an I.Q. of 40.
[ Laughter, Applause ]
-What do you do for a living? Are you an astronaut?
-Hey. Let's talk.
Come on.
[ Laughing ] [ Booing ]
Knock it off, Virgil This
is harder than it looks.
Now I just gotta figure out
what Vladakov's really up to.
If he just wanted to steal satellite codes,
he wouldn't go about it in this way.
He was a double agent
under Noriega,
and Cobra and I lost the chance to put
him away for good during the invasion.
Unfortunately, intelligence underestimated
the size of Noriega's security force...
and didn't give you
enough backup.
-Yeah.
-I did my thesis...
on the Panama action
while I was at the Academy.
That's good. Have a seat.
[ Chuckles ]
That's right. You were the first
female through the Academy.
-Yes, sir.
-Boy, you put up with a lot of crap.
True.
But I really didn't have
another option.
I love the Navy.
Why'd you quit
the Navy, Quinton?
Well, Penelope,
I quit the Navy...
'cause I got tired of comin'
home from missions
and havin' another Binghampton
waitin' to give me orders.
-Have I mentioned I don't like that guy?
-Yes, which is why I came.
-He is really itching to go after Vladakov himself.
-That figures
Guys like Binghampton are always willing
to get men killed for their own egos.
I had a man in my unit-- Robert
Valenzuela-- who was from here.
Bravest man I ever worked with.
Vladakov killed him
down in Panama.
-I bet that wasn't in your thesis.
-I'm so sorry.
Yeah, I'm sorry too.
The Navy wouldn't acknowledge our
mission, so his family got nothing.
So I decided that I would take
care of his son and his family.
Little did I know he was related to
every single person on this island.
But that's what I do
now, and I like it.
I-I should really go check
on Binghampton.
-I-I'll let you know.
-Yeah.
-Do that.
-Okay.
Drive safe.
Speed is the essence of war.
Take advantage
of the enemy's unpreparedness,
travel by unexpected routes,
and strike the enemy where
he has taken no precaution!
Fall out! Hit the boat!
[ Soldiers Shouting ]
Sir, what are you doing?
This is my moment
of destiny, Carpenter.
This is not your mission, sir.
It is McHale's.
I'm going to have
to notify him.
This is an invasion, Lieutenant.
No communications get off this base
except through me. Understood?
Why are you doing this, sir?
Listen to me, Carpenter.
Cobra's going to retire soon. They'll
be looking for someone to replace him.
Let's just say that Wallace B. Binghampton
is about to submit his resume.
Sir?
Respectfully... you're nuts.
The Navy has a word for
officers like you: prisoner.
S.P., the lieutenant
is confined to the brig.
Escort her there immediately.
Aye-aye, sir. Lieutenant?
See you on CNN, Carpenter.
-I'm really sorry about this, Lieutenant.
-Aw, don't worry about it.
Look, you don't happen to have a steel
plate in your head or anything, do you?
-No.
-Good.
Sorry about that.
Major, I hope this is good news.
The logistics involved
in getting three men...
of such different temperaments together is just-
- Forget that.
We are all here.
What is it you want?
Gentlemen, I am proud to report
that the missile is on its way.
- Excellent! - Very good.
- Congratulations.
Well, thank you.
I think this will go a long way in making
you the number one terrorist in the world.
- Oh, you think so?
- Absolutely. When can we celebrate?
In, uh, just about ten seconds.
But first, I have just one question:
do you happen to know
if your check has cleared?
Definitely! I guarantee it.
Well, then, let's celebrate now.
Hmm. All right.
-To the new world order.
-New world order.
To no world order.
Hmm?
[ Beeping ]
What's that?
Don't judge me, David.
You're hindering
my spiritual growth.
Clear!
Get that line! Up the port side.
Bitchin'. You guys did
a heck of a job on this boat.
-Thanks.
-Looks great.
Uh-oh. Look at that.
Three days ago, she wouldn't talk to me.
Now I can't get rid of her.
Quint, Binghampton's
going after Vladakov.
-We better get over there, men. Gear up.
-But the boat's not ready.
Then you better make it ready, mister.
Come on.
-Sir?
-What?
-The compound is over here.
-Oh.
Looks like nobody's around.
-This is really weird.
-Well, obviously, the little cowards are hiding.
-I'll just have to ush them out.
-Uh, sir--
[ Flare Hissing, Whistling ]
- That should get their attention.
- [ Explosion ]
Oops.
[ Explosions ]
I don't suppose
that's Binghampton.
-Spread out!
-Aye-aye, sir!
It, uh, looks like the mission
is accomplished, sir.
-[ Short Chuckle ] Damn right.
-Binghampton.
-What's goin' on?
-Well, look here. The great McHale arrives...
after the battle is over.
And who's with him?
Penelope Carpenter...
the former promising lieutenant
turned P.T. groupie.
-What happened here?
-It's obvious.
I stormed, and I conquered.
And when Cobra arrives, he'll see who
stepped in to clean up your mess.
- Cobra's coming down here?
- Yes, and I intend to give him an earful...
about your recent indiscretions.
-McHale, this whole base was wired to blow up.
-Ah, Parker. Another traitor.
Now, listen to me, McHale. There's no way you're
gonna take this great victory away from me.
Now, I'm going to go
and get ready to greet Cobra.
Come on, men.
Hey, Skip. Looks like
there's nobody here.
Hey, guys.
Look what I found.
Vladakov's shrink. Doctor.
- Where's Vladakov?
- [ Groaning ]
He shot me! After all my years of
service listening to his complexes.
I opened my heart to him
and look what I get for it!
- Where are Vladakov's men?
- Ah. They all resigned.
This makes absolutely
no sense at all.
Why set up all this and
then not put up a fight?
Hey, Skip.
Take a look at this.
San Ysidro, this is Cobra One moving
on final approach in 20 minutes.
That's affirmative,
Cobra One. San Ysidro out.
Where did they tap
into our vid-link?
By the look of all this stuff,
they've had it the whole time.
Ahoy McHale. Sorry I couldn't
be there to enjoy my fireworks,
but I've been planning a surprise
party for our good buddy Cobra.
Sorry. You are not invited.
-He set us up!
-Why would he have something against Cobra?
I don't know. We trained together.
Cobra never cut him any slack.
But he's not crazy enough to go to
all this trouble for that, is he?
-Oh, do you really have to ask?
-We've gotta find Cobra.
Let's get to the boat, men.
[ Laughing ] Oh, yes. Yes!
[ Continues Laughing ]
How long before we land?
About 20 minutes, sir.
You guys see anything
out there?
-Nothin' in this direction, Skip.
-Got 'em! Straight ahead.
All right, guys.
Get ready for anything
- Full speed ahead, Jose.
- Right!
[ Evil Laughter ]
[ Laughing ]
Now we are starting to boogie!
[ Grunts ]
Hello, boy!
A P.T. boat?
There must be a crack
in the Bermuda Triangle.
- What?
- Uh, n-nothing, sir.
There's Vladakov!
Ah, McHale.
Sit!
There's a good dog.
Get ready, boys.
So, you want to play
Chicken, huh?
[ Machine Gun Fire Continues ]
Hold on!
Hang on! Hang on!
- Jose, kick in that nitrous!
- Coming right up!
Virgil, let him know
we're here.
Aye-aye, Skip.
McHale, I have someone here
who wants to speak to you.
- "Say, Hey, buddy."
- McHale!
-Recognize the voice?
-Hold your fire!
He's got Roberto!
Whoa. Incoming!
Hit the deck!
-Whoo! Yeah!
-Whoo!
- What was that?
- I think it was an explosion, sir.
- Let's go back and take a look.
- Okay, sir.
-Nice shot, Carpenter.
-Thanks.
-More power, Jose. Let's go.
-You got it.
McHale, look!
-Good job, kid.
-I'll get him, Skip.
- Thanks, Parker.
- Eeeyaah!
I'm comin', buddy boy.
[ Coughing ]
Just relax. Kick your feet.
What is that?
Let him have it!
- Oh. my God!
- Hey!
- Jose, we need more power!
- I'm givin' her all she's got!
-Is he still there?
-I don't know. He's not on the radar, sir.
-Firing torpedo number one!
-No, Skip! Not that one!
Sorry, Skip. I got a good
deal on 'em in Havana.
You ever hear of a humidor,
knucklehead?
-We're hit! We're hit!
-All right, take her down for a landing!
Firing torpedo number two!
[ Chuckling ]
Hey, Vlady.
How's your hemorrhoids?
Huh?
[ Engines Sputter ]
[ Groans ]
This is for Panama.
What a dick!
[ Cheering ]
Yeah! Whoa! Aaaah!
Great job, guys. Now
let's go pick up Cobra.
-Let's go! Everybody out!
-Let's go, men!
Right down on the beach!
Go ahead!
Watch out for that propeller.
Let's go!
[ Grunting ]
-Thanks a lot, little buddy.
-No problem.
You know, I totally forgot
about that inner-ear thing.
Hey! My whistle.
[ Weak, Trilling Whistle ]
And it still works too.
[ Applause ]
[ Cobra ]
Congratulations, young man.
Yes, congratulations
are in order.
You men deserve these medals
'cause you earned them!
I'm proud of you.
The Navy is proud of you.
God bless you all.
-Thank you, sir.
-Thank you, sir.
Right-hand salute.
Thank you, gentlemen.
Lieutenant Commander Carpenter.
Congratulations.
Uh... uh...
I never could pin one of
these things on a woman.
Uh, hold out your hand,
young lady.
Thank you very much.
[ Chuckles ] [ Applause ]
Thank you. [ Chuckling ]
I would like to present
this commendation...
and this medal for bravery...
to the Navy's newest
lieutenant, Charles T. Parker.
You, sir, embody the spirit
and dedication...
that is in accordance with
the highest Navy traditions.
Thank you, sir. [ Chucking ]
I guess I'd like to thank, uh, the
Academy-- the Naval Academy--
[ Laughs ] I'm just kiddin'.
[ Parker Continues ] Quinton,
thanks for the save.
I want you to accept this medal
and this brand-new ball field...
as a token of appreciation from
the Navy for all your hard work.
-Thank you, Admiral.
-What?
-Thanks, Dad.
[ Laughs ] All right!
[ Chuckling ]
-Hey, how's my old boat runnin'?
-Well, it's old, but it can still kick a little ass.
Yeah! [ Chuckling ]
Words from that old Negro spiritual--
That's enough, son.
And now, Roberto Valenzuela would
like to make a special presentation.
[ Cheering Applause ]
McHale?
McHale, on behalf of the
people from San Moreno,
we would like to thank you
for saving our island.
To show our appreciation, we would
like to give you a little gift.
[ Engine Revving ]
Wow! It looks good.
Sounds good too.
I guess I won't have to fiddle
with it this time. Whoo!
How about a ride, Penelope?
You know the Navy's rules about
fraternization between officers.
Well... looks like
I'm retired again.
[ Revs Engine ]
Whoo!
[ Applause, Cheering ]
Whoo, yeah!
Hey, ump.
Let's get the game started.
Uh, yes. Right away.
And McHale? [ Sighs ]
Congratulations.
You too, Carpenter.
-Good... job.
-Yeah, it was, wasn't it?
Play ball!
Whoo! Yeah!
Kids. Whoo-hoo-hoo.
Hey, Dad! Don't wait up for me!
Whoo!