Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates (2016) Movie Script

Oh, no, oh, no
Ahhh, oh, no, ahhh, oh, no
Ahhh, oh, no
No, she don't mess around
No, she don't mess around
100% blue agave.
Taste it.
Look, Mike, I like you.
But no one's looking
for another brand of tequila.
They've got the three... What is it?
The Cuervo, the other one,
and the third one.
And they don't need more tequila.
- If I can't sell it, it's not gonna sell.
- People want the new-new.
- The "new-new"?
- The "new-new."
They want that new-new.
What if I could sell this tequila
to a customer?
- Would I have your order then?
- Yeah, sure.
And I'm just gonna pick a customer
at random.
Excuse me, sir.
Do you enjoy the taste of tequila?
Why, yes, I do.
But I only drink my particular brand,
and you will not convince me otherwise.
- It's a perfect candidate.
- Because it's your brother!
I know that's your brother.
He dated my niece.
Look, mate, I don't know your niece.
- Okay.
- But if I did...
I'd say she was a little clingy,
and she'd freak a lot of people out.
We play Wards With Friends
together, right?
- Dave, right?
- Name's Rick. Just got in from Melbourne.
His name's Rick.
I know he's your brother.
Look, look, look.
You guys are funny, you're weird.
We do this every couple weeks...
All right, I'll take 10 cases.
- Fuck, yes!
- Yes!
Yes! I knew it!
- We sold your ass, Randy!
- I don't know if that's what happened.
- It was the hat, right?
- Was it the hat?
I just found this over there.
Do something crazy
Live like it's Mardi Gras
And go jump, make the party start
Don't need no R&R
To regular life, I say Au revoir
Yay! Living life in the fast lane
Now your pain only be champagne
So please come join me
One thing, good vibes only
Start the keg, I'mma fill my cup
Got fireworks, got booze
Let's blow some shit up
Tonight I'm going stupid
Doing things I've never done
We all got one thing in common
We just wanna have fun
Do something crazy
Do something crazy
Do what you wanna do
Do something crazy
I'm about to do
I'm about to do
Do something crazy
Do something crazy
Do something wild
Rolling with the homies
Chicks by my side
Live for the moment
All of the time
Turn up the music
Only good vibes
Sorry to throw the accent at you, bro.
No, dude. I loved it,
and it kept me in the now.
Do you realize that that sale puts us
at number three in the office?
The Stangle bros are killing it right now!
It's not an actual hat.
They just call it a jimmy hat.
If you wear two, they break.
- It's an urban legend...
- No, it's not.
Mom, Dad?
Jeanie. Eric.
Don't freak out.
I don't want you to freak out.
Just come on in.
Why don't we all just sit down?
We gotta talk to you.
We wanna discuss
Jeanie and Eric's wedding.
- Oh! Sweet.
- Okay.
Are you guys thinking DJ or band?
First thought, band, right?
No. People want to hear the real songs.
You don't want to hear a guy
singing Beyonc.
You just want to hear Beyonc.
Yeah, but we want to talk about...
is you two.
Now, over the years...
a theme has emerged
at our family gatherings.
Everyone's having a good time...
- That's right.
- Things are going smoothly.
Party time.
And then you two show up...
and you hit on girls...
you act like idiots...
and you ruin it.
Ruin it.
- What? We are not party ruiners!
- Mm-mm.
We're party creators!
And besides, when have we ever
ruined a family event?
We thought you might say that.
Yep, here we go. And we just stream it.
Apple TV.
We just need your password.
- Bryan's baby dick 69.
- Yeah.
Bryan's baby dick 69.
What the fuck, guys? Really?
- Got it. Yep.
- Is that it?
Happy Fourth of July!
Oh, shit!
It was fun up to that point.
God damn it! My trailer!
Oh, shit.
Actually, this is what
we're trying to avoid.
- The both of you are fucking idiots.
- Fucking losers!
Grandpa, wake up! Take his tie.
Are you saying we had something to do
with Grandfather's death? Hmm?
He died five years after that!
That is a lot of guilt to put us.
Shame on you.
Plus, this video only shows the screw-ups.
Where's the epic tracking
shots of smiling faces?
And everybody looking at us, just going...
"God, I love Mike and Dave.
"They made this whole party worth it."
When are the two of you going to grow up?
This shtick was cute for a while...
but it's gotten stale.
Mom, come on, what are you...
You're talking about us like
we're a couple of losers or something.
What we don't want you to do is
go chasing girls and get out of control.
- You understand?
- Wait, we can still talk to girls, right?
- You can each talk to one girl.
- The girls that you bring to the wedding.
- What do you mean?
- I want you to bring a date.
- That's two dates.
- You want us to bring dates to a wedding?
- Excuse me?
- Are you allowed to do that?
Nice, respectable, smart girls!
Keep you in line.
- What the fuck?
- What?
- Are you insane?
- Oh, you're kidding.
You are not screwing up this wedding.
Do you hear me?
Mom, do you hear this river of horse shit
coming out of Dad's mouth?
We don't want you showing up stag
and riling each other up!
- We don't rile each other up!
- We never get riled up!
- I don't get riled!
- He doesn't and I don't, either!
Look at you right now! You're riled!
- Take your head out of your ass, Dad!
- You sound insane right now.
Everybody stop yelling! Okay?
You guys bringing wedding dates
was my idea.
Look, I love the shit out of you guys.
But everyone is already stressed out
about this wedding...
and I just need you to be cool.
Of course, Jeanie!
For me?
I promise. We would never do anything
to mess up your wedding.
Jeanie, we love you.
We want this to be
the best day of your life.
You, too, Eric.
- Oh.
- Oh. Thank you.
Mostly you, though, Jeanie.
If you want us to bring dates,
we're bringing dates.
All right, it's settled then.
Wedding dates!
Dave, buddy, let me talk to you
for a second, okay? Listen.
I'm sorry to lump you in with Mike...
but if I only told your older brother
to bring a date...
he'd get all weird about it.
I just feel like he's holding you back.
Dad, I don't mind
being lumped in with Mike.
Do you remember
the fifth grade bake sale...
when Mom made those cupcakes...
and I called them moist?
- Mm-hmm.
- Everyone called me Moist...
till Mike took a cupcake...
and shoved it in Tom Ginty's face.
He said, "Now you're moist, Moist."
That's the kind of guy Mike is.
So, think on that...
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to end that
on such a weird note, Dad.
- I love you. And thanks.
- Good. I don't want you to be mad.
I'm not even mad. I'm not even upset.
We're gonna find some dates.
I gotta say, some nights,
I am not looking my best.
But tonight is not one of those nights!
- Do you like my hair?
- Yeah, girl.
- You look good.
- No.
We're gonna make a lot of tips tonight.
Good. We need it. We don't have any money.
Uh, you got money for this ride, don't you?
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah!
- Yeah, yeah, yeah!
- 'Cause you have money?
- I thought you had money.
- I don't have any money.
- You know I don't have money.
Yeah, y'all are whispering like people
that don't got money.
Check it out. I'mma pay you right now.
Boop. I Apple Paid.
I don't even have Apple Pay.
Yo, Siri, pay this man.
He's already paid.
God damn it!
I'm not gonna take shit from you,
because this my cab.
You shouldn't take shit from us.
- You should kick us out!
- You should kick us out of this cab.
You know what? I'm gonna kick you
the fuck out of this cab.
Yeah, just go three more blocks up
on the right...
and then kick us out!
Here we are! Get out of my cab.
Thank you. You're a really good person.
Okay, God bless you.
I'm just gonna start driving for Uber.
Fuck it.
Ooh. I got a good idea.
Let's pop off, get a couple of drinks
before work.
Just a few,
because I don't want to get hammered.
Yeah, of course not. Just a light buzz.
Hey, hey, hey! Welcome to Sake Bombers...
where your first Sake Bomb is on us!
- Kaboom!
- You're drunk, Alice.
You're doing that thing
where you're whispering,
but you're really yelling.
Because I'm upset with you.
Oh, what the hell?
I don't understand why you just
started yelling at me for no reason.
- What the hell is going on here?
- Your little buddy is shit-faced.
Straight up.
Her fianc just left her at the altar.
She's been going through a hard time.
- Are you guys talking about me?
- No, baby girl.
You know how many times
I have come in here...
and she is drunk off her fucking ass,
dancing on the tables?
Only when Rihanna comes on,
because it's my jam.
I am a strong independent woman.
And I will get on a table
and shake my shit to RiRi.
Because it's my right. America!
You just push your tits up
and say feminism?
Yeah. Read a Twitter.
# 2016. Women can do shit now.
Don't do that!
Who put her jam on?
Queen RiRi, forever!
I'm really sorry that I got us fired.
I'm just sort of surprised
it didn't happen sooner...
- but I'm still really sorry.
- Hey!
Alice, you do not apologize
right now, okay?
You didn't do one thing wrong.
- Okay.
- People need to get in line with you.
Right. You're right.
Alice, why are you watching
your wedding video?
And Alice... do you take Luke?
I do.
Because it's therapeutic.
The more I watch it, the less I feel.
And do you, Luke, take Alice?
I do...
Oh, man. Fuck you, Luke.
Oh, fuck that guy.
Fuck him right in his dick.
Because now I'm picturing his dick
getting fucked by another dick.
And it makes me want to protect it.
Oh, my God, girl! Damn!
You're better than this. Come on!
We're T and A!
Where's the Alice who made
vodka pot brownies with me...
for the junior high science fair?
Or gave us water balloon tits and we won
that wet T-shirt contest in Mexico?
Oh, yeah, they were so nice.
I know, dude. We need that shit.
I'm tired of living like this.
We need an adventure.
We've got a great little package
we're selling here, man.
A week in a tropical paradise...
with two fun-loving,
yet surprisingly well-read bros?
I read most of the Goosebumps series,
and so did you.
Where do I sign up?
Dude, focus.
- Okay.
- This is for Jeanie.
So to find the perfect fun, but nice girls,
we're gonna have to meet a lot of them.
The Internet!
That's a good idea.
Match.com, Tinder...
Grindr, OkCupid.
Craigslist, you think,
that's where you go to meet nice girls?
We met this couch on Craigslist.
And you wuv this couch, don't you?
I do love that couch.
I'm gonna unlock the swag on this bitch.
All right.
Here you go. Just take a little sip.
Take a little nip-a-roo.
Do you think anyone's even really gonna
see this?
God, I hope so.
Like max, what do you think?
We're gonna get, like, five or six dates
out of this, or what?
I'd be happy with that.
Did you see this thing
that Shelly's sending around the office?
It's a free trip to Hawaii!
Look what someone posted to my Facebook.
- I gotta tweet this out.
- Those guys are cute.
- I got the one on the right.
- I like the one on the right.
Oh, I got the one on the right.
I like the one on the right.
- We gotta send this to everyone.
- Let's all apply!
- I want to go to Hawaii.
- I just emailed them.
Let's just meet them, give 'em a chance.
So, you guys want to go to a wedding?
Uh, what are your names?
Do you guys have names?
Basically we were looking through
Craigslist for work.
Oh, you're both...
Whatever. Take us to Hawaii!
We can't take you.
No way.
Did you guys say something about
an all-expenses-paid trip to Hawaii?
It's just for girls.
That's not a deal breaker.
Hi, my name is Lauralie...
and I'm kind of new to this.
You're new to...
Online dating. Yeah.
I'm not really looking
for a heteronormative relationship.
- You look like a Nike swoosh.
- Goddamn right, I do.
I work at a dog shelter.
Our sister loves dogs.
I wanna make sure
they get really good homes.
What's a good home?
The white homes.
- The what homes?
- The white homes.
Like white people.
Check, please.
This isn't lipstick.
This is a tattoo, you dumb fuck.
Who are you laughing at? Who?
All right, look, here's the deal.
I went through a divorce, like,
three weeks ago. I need a vacation.
Okay, you guys sure
you don't want to fuck?
- What?
- Nothing.
- What did you say?
- Nothing.
Sounded like you said,
"Do you wanna fuck?"
Do you wanna fuck?
- What?
- What?
- What?
- You guys...
- Do you want me to fuck you?
- No.
- No.
- I didn't say it, but...
- I'll suck your dick right now. What?
- What?
Welcome back.
I'm here with Mike and Dave Stangle...
who posted an ad on Craigslist...
looking for dates
for their sister's wedding...
in Oahu, Hawaii.
Well, the ad went viral.
It racked up over 6,000 responses...
from women who actually wanted to go.
Yeah, well, who's counting?
You know, I guess we all are.
Is this my close-up?
You guys, come on. Craigslist?
Honestly, this is about
finding nice girls...
to go with us to Hawaii
for our sister's wedding.
And I just want to reiterate...
we're footing the bill for this
because we're gentlemen.
- Free trip to Hawaii?
- I'm awake!
- Come on. Craigslist.
- What's up?
That's where you go
to buy old patio furniture.
You know what else you can find
on Craigslist?
- Love.
- Mm-mm.
That's right. I said it.
- Love.
- That one seems sweet.
He has a kind soul.
Yeah, and he's also super hot.
Yeah, he's hot as fucking balls.
But just to repeat,
we're looking for nice girls.
Like, girls that our mom and our sister
would like.
Okay, look, dude, we are going to Hawaii.
Let's go on vacation.
But it's not a vacation. It's a wedding.
Do you really think a wedding's
the best place for me?
Since the last wedding I went to
was mine...
and it didn't turn out very well.
I hear you, but look...
this shit is why this shit
is perfect, okay?
Because ever since Luke left,
you haven't been the same.
You need to get over that,
once and for all.
And this our shot, man.
That dude,
he's gonna get your groove back.
This right here is an opportunity
of a lifetime...
and you know we are entrepreneurs.
You know what?
Let's make these guys take us to Hawaii!
You're right! Let's do it!
Let's just do it!
- Yes, bitch.
- Let's fucking do it!
We'll be right back.
We gonna go to Hawaii!
We gonna go to Hawaii!
Whoa! Whoa!
- Hold up!
- What?
Those boys said they wanted nice girls.
We don't look like nice girls.
Yeah, I guess
I haven't showered in a while.
Fine, well, you know what we're gonna do?
We're gonna look respectable as fuck.
Like nice girls.
Dude, it's like that Jesus rag!
Ow! It's part of me.
Tatiana, your underwear
needs more underwears.
Oh, this dress is my bitch!
Dude, we have met 37 insane women.
We can't bring any of these girls.
Maybe Dad'll just forget about
his ultimatum.
Why would Dad forget about an old tomato?
No, his ultimatum.
- Old tom...
- Ultimatum.
Are you saying "old tomato"?
Ultima-tomb. Like a tomb or a crypt.
Well, we gotta figure something out,
because the wedding's coming up quick.
Why is everything a competition with you?
And I said that first, so actually,
I won that.
So what time are we meeting them?
Technically, no time.
Yeah, because I was thinking about
emailing them...
but then I was thinking, um...
what kind of floozy-ass bimbo
would respond to that ad?
Yeah, but we're not like those idiots.
You know what I'm saying?
Because they're all like,
"Oh! Pick me, pick me!"
it's like the guys interviewing the girls.
Like, it immediately would put us
in an inferior position.
We're gonna flip the script
and Bachelorette that shit.
- Those guys would be lucky to have us.
- Right.
- We just gotta make them think so.
- Okay, right.
But, you know,
I'm really not good at lying...
because I always try to start small
and then it gets crazy...
and I make-up stuff
that couldn't possibly be true.
Baby, you can do this.
Let's practice, okay?
- Um, what do you like to do?
- Drink.
Just sweet teas.
Sweet teas and biscuits on blimps.
All right, straight up,
you don't have to do an accent.
I was doing an accent?
And definitely don't bring up blimps.
Shit! They're leaving.
If it was a competition, I won it.
All right, don't worry.
It's all part of the plan.
- Is it?
- Oh, yeah.
What does that mean? What plan?
I don't know this part of the plan...
Whoa! Ahh!
Oh, fuck!
Tatiana! Oh!
Holy shit.
Babe. Are you okay?
I'm okay. Yell, "She can't breathe!"
She can't breathe!
She can't breathe! Somebody help her!
Somebody give her CPR!
- She can't breathe!
- I know CPR!
- Great!
- I was a volunteer EMT!
Hey, don't worry.
My brother's got this, okay?
I took a class. I know what I'm doing.
- She has a weak heart!
- Ma'am?
- Ma'am?
- She has a weak heart.
I'm an EMT. I'm like a doctor, basically.
I'm here to save your fucking life, okay?
- She's my only friend!
- That's her only friend, Mike!
We got a pulse! Okay.
Don't let her die!
Don't you fucking let her die, Mike!
Just shut the fuck up, Dave!
You, too, shut up!
Both of you, shut up! Okay?
I'm gonna save her life!
Plug the nose.
Are you okay?
I am now.
- I saved her life!
- She's okay!
- She's okay?
- I saved her life!
Thank you! Thank you!
- You're under arrest.
- She hit my car!
No, you guys, I'm totally fine, really.
It happens all the time.
That was a vicious hit.
We should take you to the hospital.
It's crazy.
It's almost like I owe you my life.
- Almost.
- Yeah. Technically, yeah.
- Let me help you with that ice.
- I do.
Oh, no.
Seems like it's going pretty well
with your guy.
Dude, I'm fucking crushing it! So hard!
Check this out. The kids in my class
are gonna love this story.
I'm a school teacher.
You're a school teacher? Wow.
Oop. I think they spelt "frittata"
wrong on the menu.
I always notice words and spelling...
because I'm a teacher...
and that's what I do.
- That's...
- So, Alice, um, what do you do?
Manage a hedge fund.
You manage a hedge fund?
I don't even know what a hedge fund is.
Oh. So there's a regular fund,
and then there's a hedge fund.
And our fund...
Uh, we hedge it.
We hedge it hard.
Oh, wow.
I get in, in the morning, and I'm like...
"How's the hedging coming?
You been hedging? You hedged much?"
And it's like, too big to fail.
Corporate greed, bailouts.
In a New York minute,
everything can change.
On the floor of the NASDAQ and the U.N.
And then, Fannie Mae.
Bernie Mac and D.L. Hughley...
- Alice, you want some water?
- Yeah.
- That's so smart.
- That is.
"But what I do have...
"is a particular set of skills.
"Skills I have acquired
over a very long career.
"Skills that make me a nightmare
for people like you."
Click. That's it.
That was amazing.
It was like Dave was not even here...
and I was just standing in a bar
with Liam Neeson.
Like, "Hello, Liam Neeson's over here."
You're a professional comedian
or something?
What? No. I sell liquor with my brother.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
- I do like to draw.
- Oh, yeah?
Yeah, I have drawings here
I could show you.
Oh, shit, not that. Sorry.
Here. So, they're like The Avengers...
but they're different types of alcohol.
So, you have Tequila,
and then he's got his pet worm right there.
And his name is Lil' Mez.
Because he'll "Mez" you up.
The next one right there, that's Gin.
When he flips his cap off,
dawg, he's just like...
"Yo, I'll pop you off. Guaranteed.
One knock."
Done. Next, Whiskey.
Likes to make moonshine and kill bad guys.
Dude, this is objectively amazing.
What's the hardest thing
about being a teacher?
I don't know.
Oh, um...
The hardest thing about being a teacher...
is teaching cursive.
That's awesome.
- What about you?
- Yeah?
- Are you seeing anyone?
- No.
My ex is gone. Long gone.
What do you mean?
He died. Of cancer.
Oh, my God.
He died twice?
And then he died in a plane crash, so...
Whoo! That's a lot to take in.
I know!
Thank you.
Thank you, brotha.
We should take these girls
to the wedding. Right?
Mine's a sexy school teacher...
and yours... hedges funds.
- Just keep doing sexy eyes.
- Okay.
Keep doing sexy eyes.
I like Alice.
And she's smart, she's funny, she's weird.
We invite these girls to the wedding,
suddenly we're not losers.
We're winners!
Here they come. They're coming.
Hey, uh, this might sound crazy...
but our little sister is getting married
in Hawaii...
and we wanted to know
if you guys wanted to come with.
- Um...
- Um...
Can you just give us a second to...
Of course.
Okay, so just whisper
like we're talking it over...
like we're not sure if we wanna go or not.
Oh, like...
What the fuck are you doing?
I don't understand why we're arguing!
I thought we wanted to go.
All right, fuck it. Let's go to Hawaii!
- Yes! Fuck yes!
- Hawaii!
Yo, what you know about goin' out?
Head west, red Lex
TV's all up in the headrest
Try and live it up, ride true, a bigger truck
Peeps all glittered up
Stick up can, they go what?
Jig wit it 'cuz ship crisp, split it all
Ho's ride, get your nut 'til I can't get it up
Bad, bad, bad, bad boy
You make me feel so good
Aloha, and welcome.
- Hi.
- Aloha.
For real?
Let me get you gentlemen checked in, yeah?
Holy shit, this place is nice!
It's gonna be more nice.
Nice girls don't show off their ecstasy.
One of these is a multivitamin.
Is this shit free?
I can smoke weed out of this,
I can smoke weed out of this...
Look at that teacher,
grabbing her apple a day.
Look at that personality from behind.
It is, dare I say...
- well-rounded.
- Mmm-hmm.
Look at Mike.
He looks like a funhouse mirror version
of a better looking dude...
but he is just that dude.
Dave, it is so on this weekend.
I am not touching this guy
the whole weekend.
He thinks just because he brought me here
I'm gonna sleep with him?
Check it out.
If this was Mike's dick, I'd be like...
Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo...
I'd get close, but I'd never touch it.
They have such beautiful flowers here.
She's throwing out
serious vibes right now.
I'm like, I'm hungry.
I'm gonna butter them biscuits.
I'm gonna baste them ham hocks.
I'm gonna be like a sex chef.
Mr. Grey will see you now.
I'm gonna touch Dave.
Every time he says something sweet...
I wanna get some rope and chain
in bulk from Home Depot...
and just see where it takes us, you know?
That is messed up.
Ladies, your wedding itineraries.
# DoingItForJeanie.
Today, we have the meet
and greet by the pool.
And then after that,
we have a dolphin excursion.
Friday is the rehearsal dinner.
That's where Dave and I are gonna be
doing our big speech.
Will there be any downtime?
Yeah, 'cause I gotta keep
in touch with the office.
I gotta call my stocks
about the state of my bonds.
It happens a lot.
Mm-kay, I think we are right up here.
Great. So which one
is me and Alice's room?
I don't know.
Are you and Alice gonna share a room?
Or I was thinking that maybe you and I...
would stay in the same room.
That sounds interesting...
but I don't think it would be a good idea.
Why not?
Because I don't trust myself around you.
You can trust me.
I do trust you.
Let's trust each other.
There's so much trust.
Sorry. I didn't mean to do that.
I respect you so much,
I can't wait to get you alone.
Yeah, we're gonna cover
all the room charges and stuff...
for up to $50 per day.
Oh, my God. You don't have to do that.
I'm a very strict teacher.
You be Michelle Pfeiffer
from Dangerous Minds, and I'll be...
I'll be Coolio.
- Coolio's not in that movie.
- Oh.
He is in song and spirit.
I'm gonna call
a parent-teacher conference...
and tell them what a bad boy you are.
Please don't tell my mommy.
Please don't tell my daddy.
I think Wi-Fi is included, too, so...
- That's always nice. Yeah.
- Yeah.
If I were to give you a grade,
I'd give you a D.
A big, hard D.
Why? I deserve an A.
- What are you talking about?
- Oh.
In conclusion...
I'm gonna stay in the room...
with Alice.
That one, with Alice.
Cool, cool. No doubt.
Somebody overcooked the soft pretzel.
My dick is hard. That's what I'm saying.
Give me five minutes.
Oh, my God. Ew!
Lift it, drop it, shake it
It's going down for real
It's going down for real
Grandma, I'd like you to meet Alice.
She's super smart, great conversationalist,
and she works on Wall Street.
- But I'm one of the good ones.
- I think she is.
I am a teacher, yeah.
And you know what?
The key to teaching children is repetition.
You'd be surprised how stupid they are.
- Hey, you!
- Hi! Hi!
I'm so proud
to introduce our wedding dates...
- Tatiana.
- And Alice.
- Oh, the bride. The gorgeous bride.
- Ow! Hi.
This weekend is all about you
being happy and not shattered.
- Oh. Thank you.
- Yeah.
Check out your arms.
You got some Michelle Obama arms.
How'd you get those guns
on the plane, girl?
Eric... you are two points hotter
just being next to this woman.
Try 10 points hotter.
- Try a million.
- That's too many points.
- Wow, and Jeanie, nice snag.
- Thank you.
You guys look great together, really.
I'm liking this. Huh? Maybe you two
will keep these two in check a little bit.
I think we can.
I'll just keep him on a leash.
Maybe don't hurt him.
I like these girls.
They're so fun.
Unlike my maid of honor.
She's having a time.
How is ol' Becky Grammerstein?
She's coming.
- Jeanie.
- Hey.
I'm in crisis mode.
I ordered Prosecco for the Mani-pedis...
and all they have is champagne!
Aren't they the same thing?
- No. No, they're not. No.
- No?
Hello, Michael.
Hi, Dave.
Look, I'm trying to make your dreams
come true, okay?
- Right.
- What?
If this is bad news,
I'm gonna eat your ass.
- Sorry.
- Okay.
Purple. It better be purple.
I should probably go see to that.
- You'll come?
- Yeah.
Thank you so much for being here.
Guys, good job with these two.
Bye, Jeanie.
Jeanie likes the girls.
Jeanie likes the girls
Talk about Jeanie Jeanie likes the girls
Because it's a" about
Jeanie likes the girls
- Oil, yeah, Jeanie likes the girls
- Come on!
- It's a" about Jeanie
- Likes the girls
- it's all about Jeanie likes the girls!
- Mike. Where are the girls?
- Oh, hello!
- I'm Alice.
I just I wanna give you a hug.
It's so nice to meet you.
Fucking A. You distracted me, man.
This dress is lucky to be on you.
Those pins!
- My Mike?
- Yes.
- I can't... Wow.
- He did.
That's fantastic.
Mike, Tatiana was just telling me...
that you saved her life.
I most certainly did, Father.
You see how great it is
to have nice girls around?
- I mean, these are nice girls.
- Aw!
They are. And we brought them, so...
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
See you in a minute. Honey, come on.
Can I get everybody's attention?
Could we gather around?
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God!
We're killing this shit! We're killing.
Mom and Dad like the girls!
Mom and Dad like the girls
Hi, I'm Keith.
I'm Eric's best man, his cousin...
and his best friend.
Welcome to the meet and greet!
Put your hands together...
for Eric and his lovely bride, Jeanie.
Give it up!
Hey, everybody. A big thank you
to my new family, the Stangles.
We love you, Eric!
Thank you.
And to my own family, I must say...
Portland, Oregon in the house!
I'm really happy
to finally make you all my ohana...
which means "family."
And as the Hawaiians say...
Kale maluna!
Which translates loosely
into "bottoms up."
But more closely translated,
it actually means...
"your butts to the sky"...
which is inappropriate.
This is gonna be magic.
Thank you all again,
so much, for being here.
We are so happy
to have you at our wedding.
Wedding. Wedding. Wedding.
- Put the mic on the stand.
- The stand.
- Alice.
- Where are you going?
Hi! What happened?
You sort of zoned out for a sec.
What's up? You okay?
Yeah! We're at a wedding.
Wedding. Wedding.
You just said "wedding" three times.
I'm fine. Yeah!
Let's just forget about the past,
and move on.
To the bar!
To the bar?
Mmm. Mmm.
Ooh. I don't think these are shots.
I mean, we're drinking 'em
like they're shots...
but I don't think they're
supposed to be drunk like that.
Your face is funny.
Oh. Hey, Mike. I was just talking
to my new friend, Tatiana.
- Tatiana, this is my cousin, Mike.
- She knows who I am. She's my date.
Why would someone this attractive
ever be with you?
Are you gonna hit on my date all weekend,
like bisexual Fonzie?
I don't think it's gonna take all weekend.
Am I right?
So, you guys are cousins?
She's been jealous of me
since I was a little kid.
What could I possibly be jealous of?
Your outfit looks like Jimmy Buffet's
dust ruffle.
Do you guys always do this?
Okay, this is actually
a very fashion-forward outfit.
No, you look like the wallpaper
from a Long John Silver's bathroom.
Cool. I'm gonna hit the buffet now...
while you guys do
whatever it is you're doing.
Good idea.
Look at that.
Pink little ass just bouncing away,
Terry, come get me, Terry, come get me
No, it's saying...
Mike, crawl up in this
Mike, crawl up in this
Whoa. What's up, double trouble?
Terry. Cousin of the bride.
Get at me later,
we'll make a Terry sandwich.
Don't touch her. She has chlamydia.
- Everybody does.
- No.
Not everyone does.
Saw you and Dave are doing your
speech together at the rehearsal dinner.
I'm going to bring the house down
with my speech.
And why do you think
you're such a hotshot?
You know Chris Rock?
He's my neighbor.
Practiced my speech on him.
And he gave me seven killer jokes.
Suck on that, cousin.
Terry out.
Chris Rock? Fuck! That sounds awesome.
Oh, my God. You were right.
These cheeseburgers are amazing.
I know.
Being a good girl is hard.
I know. It sucks.
You were hitting that booze
too hard for a nice girl.
You need to get Luke out of your head.
- Yeah.
- You do.
And what better way to do that...
than good old-fashioned dick flicks.
- Yes.
- Oh, God.
Tatiana. Mike Stangle.
From the meet and greet.
Well, from before that.
One second.
Hey. It's you.
It is me.
I was hoping maybe I could come in
and we could watch a movie or...
- Do whatever you wanna do.
- Why are you whispering?
'Cause that's what we were doing before.
They've got Cockbusters.
Is that supposed to be like Ghostbusters?
Why would you wanna get rid of the cocks?
- What's that?
- She's talking in her sleep.
She says the craziest stuff in her sleep.
It looks like his dick is gonna pop.
It's so veiny and hard.
- Tatiana!
- Something's hard?
Julio. My student. I'm doing
a Skype class session with him...
and he's having a really hard time
in the schoolyard.
If you don't get in here,
I'm gonna start masturbating!
Oh, phooey. I've gotta go.
That sounds like you guys are,
watching porno, or...
- No.
- Tatiana!
Does it smell like weed in here?
- You guys smoking weed?
- No. It was a skunk.
I've gotta go, because a bunch of kids
are waiting to hear...
if they've failed second grade or not.
Well, I am doing
some grading myself, and girl...
you are getting an A plus.
Thank you so much.
- And then win!
- Skills. Def skills.
Cheers to Tatiana and Alice.
We're so glad you're here.
Yes. Cheers.
You guys, Alice and I found
this really cool thing.
Jurassic Park ATV Tours!
You ride ATVs
where they shot Jurassic Park.
Actually, we are about to go
swimming with the dolphins.
It's on the itinerary, so...
But, guys, Jurassic P!
I love this movie!
Oh, my gosh, on ATVs,
this would be so sick.
"...to Jurassic Park."
"That is a big pile of shit."
"Oh, you're not so scary, little guy."
What is going on here?
Oh! Oh!
I wish we could do that...
but we have a date with the dolphins...
at the bottom of the ocean, so...
Don't you think we should do
what Jeanie wants to do?
I mean, it is her wedding after all.
Right, Mike?
I'm so happy we're here!
This is where the dinos
ran in the prairie!
I know, girl!
Check it out! I'm a brontosaurus!
I'm a T-Rex. I'm coming to get you!
Guys, butts on seats, okay?
No hot dogging!
"They're flocking this way!"
Here's a T-Rex!
"Life finds a way."
Jeanie! Eric!
Hi! Sorry, I lost Eric.
I wasn't lost.
Just driving at a reasonable pace.
Stay there. We'll come to you.
All right, we better go around.
This ledge looks super dangerous.
Oh, yeah, Mike's right.
It does look dangerous.
It's a good thing my middle name
is "dangerous!"
Yeah, it is!
- Whoo!
- Whoa!
- Oh, God!
- What?
Oh, my God, she's Superman!
Oh, my God!
I still think we should go around.
She just got some serious air, bro!
You call that serious air?
Check this fucking shit out.
Suck my clit, fuckers!
Oh, not again.
Yeah, baby!
Easy does it. Nothing fancy.
- Oh, my God. Look at what she's doing!
- I see it!
Sweet candied nuts.
Who are these girls?
Where did you guys learn to do that?
- We lived in Baja.
- Oh.
Tore up a lot of trail down there.
Made a lot of friends.
Made even more enemies.
God, I miss Baja.
Your turn, Mike! Don't be a pussy!
I'm not gonna do it.
Name calling doesn't work on me, so...
Mike, it'll turn me on
if you take that jump.
Turn me on if you don't.
Still not going to, still.
I'm not gonna do it.
Like we would ever do that.
No way.
Come on! Do it.
He's not gonna do it. Do it!
Do not do it.
No, definitely don't do that.
It's a bad idea. It's a stupid, dumb idea.
- And it's dangerous, and it's foolish.
- Yes, it is.
I'm gonna do it!
- Oh, shit!
- Oh.
I'm never gonna die!
- Oh, shit.
- He going fast.
Oh, no. Keep it straight!
Oh, he's shanking it.
Whoo! Got it, got it!
Oh, no, God!
Jeanie, move!
It's gonna be fine.
Your face is making me think
it's gonna be bad.
I'm sure it's not as bad as you think.
- You know?
- No. Yeah.
Just show us what we're working with,
and it'll be fine.
- Okay.
- Okay?
Is it okay?
- Oh, my God!
- Oh! God! Oh!
Wow! Don't you look good?
- Your face!
- Shut up, Mike!
You shut up, Becky!
Have you seen her face?
Oh, God! What?
It looks like you were making meth,
and the bathtub exploded.
You look like Burn Victim Barbie.
Hush it up!
And you're Black Ken.
- Stop!
- Okay.
It's like an exaggerated smoky eye.
Dave, be honest. Is it bad?
This side, there's a little...
- There's a little discoloration there.
- Little discoloration.
Which side is it?
You could do a dance the whole night
where you just hold a hand over your face.
- Oh, that's smart.
- Okay.
It's like a new thing.
- Do the Jeanie, do the Jeanie
- Like this?
- Come on, everybody! Do the Jeanie.
- Do it.
- I'm doing the Jeanie.
- Do the Jeanie, y'all.
It's a one-two step.
All right, that's enough.
Enough dancing! You and you...
outside, now!
Honey, calm down.
- Honey, calm down.
- Sorry.
Do you understand they've deformed
our little girl...
the day before her goddamn wedding?
She looks like Seal, for Christ's sake!
Oh! Why, Dad?
Do you think he's gonna spank us?
Never mind.
I haven't seen him this pissed
in a long time.
Yeah. It's the other door.
They meet in the middle.
- They meet in the middle.
- God damn it!
Dad, listen. I know what you're gonna say.
- You're right.
- We're gonna sue the ATV companies.
- Right?
- I see.
Not what I was gonna say.
Let's Erin Brockovich this bitch.
Mike, stop!
You've got to own this.
This is your fault.
It's not.
If anything, it's the girls' fault.
They're crazy.
The girls aren't the problem!
You are.
What the hell did you think
was gonna happen, huh?
What did you think was gonna happen?
We had a plan.
The plan was to swim with dolphins...
and eat bananas afterwards.
See, Dad, I'm not gonna
point any fingers here...
but indirectly...
we wouldn't have been on ATVs
if the girls hadn't forced us to.
And who made us bring dates
in the first place?
- Not pointing fingers.
- Yeah.
All right. I'm gonna take back
what I said to you earlier.
I am going to lump you in together.
All right, you are lumped!
The hell is wrong with you, huh?
What the hell is wrong with you?
Everyone get the fuck away from me.
Move! Adult Swim!
It's all fucked now.
It's all fucked, you know? Poor Jeanie.
Jeanie's special weekend, and I ruin it.
Hey, hey, hey, Alice?
That was not your fault, okay?
That's two weddings that I've ruined.
It's just like, "Stupid Alice!"
Look, it's too bad that
Jeanie's face got shredded...
but this is supposed to be our vacay.
Remember? We're supposed
to be having fun...
and going on adventures.
Get in here with me.
I'm gonna find her.
I'm gonna make it up to her.
No, no! You're not listening to me.
Don't leave me!
Thanks again for letting me
join your spa day, ladies.
It's not like you asked or anything,
but you're here. Yay.
What did you guys do
for your bachelorette party?
Did it get crazy?
Did you guys do that thing...
where you go to Vegas
and you dress up as a prostitute...
and you go out and there's a contest...
to see who can get the most money
from a john...
but then you tell him,
"I'm an undercover cop"...
and they, like, beg that you don't tell
their children and their wives...
and they piss themselves,
and you've got the whole thing on video.
And then you put it on YouTube
and then there's the Auto-Tune remix.
Did you do that thing?
- No.
- No.
I didn't actually end up having one, so...
Why? Every bride
needs a bachelorette party.
I'm sorry Cabo didn't work out, Jeanie.
I know. It's fine.
You know I couldn't get the time off work.
And it would have ruined it for you,
down there without me.
Is there some tension about this?
So I just thought, "Let's cancel
the whole trip," if that makes sense.
Jeanie, can you keep it down?
On the phone with Tokyo.
Did I bring up something uncomfortable?
Also, I caught the shingles
because it was so stressful.
'Cause it feels like I did.
Plus they have Mexican bed bugs.
I need you guys to stop it!
Oh, that fucking gaping mouth of yours,
shut it!
Shut it!
I just want to relax!
Is that too much to ask?
Please! I just wanna relax.
How are you feeling, Jeanie?
A little stressed out.
- I'll give you a minute to disrobe.
- Yeah, okay.
Face down on the table.
Hi, um, that is my best friend in there...
and she's getting married tomorrow,
and she's a little uptight.
And I was wondering if you could, um,
help her let loose a little bit?
You know?
Give her the "Hawaii Five Oh" experience?
The wink-wink, nudge-nudge massage,
you know?
I can't really wink,
but a wink-wink, nudge-nudge?
- Are you okay?
- Yeah.
Looks like you had a bit of a fit.
No, no. That's wink... That's wink-wink...
I feel like I've gotten
what you're trying to say.
- Great.
- But I figured it out.
- You didn't really communicate it to me.
- Okay, that's fair.
Yes, you want the special
"I am blissful" massage?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- How blissful is that?
- Oh, don't worry.
Physically, no penetration.
Spiritually, I'll be doing
an intimate tour of her chi.
Oh, you're gonna be good in there.
I can tell.
How's the temperature in here, Jeanie?
Oh, it's good. Good. Comfy.
Good. Take down the light a little bit.
So you're getting married, huh?
I am. Yeah.
I know it can be a stressful time.
You know it's like, "Who is this for,
me or my family?"
Yeah. I've recently had
an injury to my face...
which I'm a little stressed out about.
Are you okay with oil?
Yeah, sure.
You know, in my country...
they call oil "God's beautiful lubricant."
It sounds better in my language.
Oh, that's lovely.
Some ground rules.
One, no emotions.
- Okay.
- Two, breathe.
Three, there is no penetration,
only vibration.
What is happening?
I call this "The Bent Penguin."
This one is just "The Ham and Eggs."
This one is called "When Moons Collide."
"Angry Hummingbird." "Angry Hummingbird."
This one is called "House by the Airport."
Just checking in. Everything good?
Hope you're enjoying this.
For me, it's just another Friday.
"Happy Doll."
This one is just called
"Taking a Break." I am pooped.
A little break. That's nice.
Here we go again.
Are you even touching me?
No, but my aura is.
Yes, it is!
Sweet baby Jesus!
How's it going?
Shit, I thought I was alone in here.
Oh, yeah. You're not. I mean, we're alone.
How's Mike? Still really jealous of me?
It's like, yeah, okay,
do I own a Tesla? Yes.
Do I make a shit-ton of money,
like, way more than Mike?
Yes. But it's like, who cares?
Do I get backstage tickets to Rihanna?
Do I have a glass blowing
studio in my basement?
Hold up, backstage tickets to Rihanna?
Yeah, she likes to have me around.
You know.
- RiRi is Alice's jam.
- Oh, RiRi, is it?
- Yes.
- That's funny.
She would freak out if I got her
backstage tickets to Rihanna.
Well, you could get her tickets.
From me. I'm right here.
Are you serious?
Oh, God, steam rooms just open up
your pores, you know?
They open up everything.
Backstage at RiRi is very fun.
Sometimes she plays the DJ.
You know, just scratching records.
You know like...
Shit, man. That's...
Are you saying you want me
to get in there for the tickets?
No. No, no, no. No.
Tatiana? Whoa.
Sorry about that.
Looking for my wedding date.
Yeah, yeah, yeah...
Please leave, sir.
What are you doing to my sister?
- Mike, I'm coming.
- No!
Get out!
Oh, sure. Oh, sure. Oh, sure.
So, are we, like, close, or...
Let's put the washing machine
on spin cycle. There we go.
What the... Tatiana!
- Tatiana!
- Shut the fuck up, Mike.
I'm gonna kick your ass.
He is losing this fight!
Oh, God! I can see your nipple!
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
Get your butt out of my face!
Well, thank you so much.
Um, I definitely needed this.
I know.
Bring this gift into your marriage.
- All you need is load-bearing ribbons.
- Okay.
- And a reinforced ceiling.
- Oh.
I should warn you...
you may experience some
aftershock orgasms.
So, I wouldn't operate any heavy machinery
for a couple weeks.
That is not a euphemism for penis.
I mean like...
- tractors, cranes, big boats.
- Okay.
Good to know.
- Oh, and please hydrate.
- Okay.
I cannot stress this enough.
The consequences could be...
You could develop cancer.
You have a very good friend.
Wait, you did that?
Yeah, well, I felt so bad
about your fucked up face...
and I wanted to make it up to you.
Aw! Thank you.
Hey, who needs a bachelorette party
when they have you around?
- He rubbed my butt.
- Yeah?
But with his butt.
It was like... He was on ribbons.
I don't know what you did
with Jeanie in the spa...
but she's in a great mood.
Yeah, no problem.
She just needed a release.
Oh, um, I had an idea for your graphic novel.
I thought you could do
like a Rum character,
who's like Rastafarian, and he's like...
"I'm Rum Rum, get in my tum-tum,
and I play the steel drum."
"You can rum, but you cannot hide, man."
Yeah, that's awesome.
Already, that's so amazing.
No, that's such a good idea.
How did I not figure that?
I think when I get back,
I'm gonna stop selling liquor with Mike...
and start drawing full time.
- Really?
- Yeah.
That's amazing.
Do you know how few people
know what they really wanna do?
But then I think about
what Mike's gonna think about it all...
and he's gonna hate that idea.
He's so clingy.
When we were kids,
if I fell asleep before Mike...
he would always wake me up
so he wouldn't feel alone.
- That's kinda sweet.
- Yeah.
I don't know. I just...
Do you ever get that feeling...
that you're not good enough
to get what you really want...
so you're too scared to try?
All the time.
- Really?
- Like, all the time. It's terrifying.
- It is, it's terrifying.
- Yeah.
You're, like, stuck.
- Totally.
- Yeah.
Thanks. It's nice talking to you
about this.
Hey. Where you going?
Is there a gang bang in the ballroom
you need to emcee?
Don't be such a drama king.
Yeah, I'm totally overreacting.
When you invite someone to a wedding...
they obviously are supposed to
finger diddle your family members.
That's common courtesy!
Okay, hold up. I am a grown-ass woman.
I can finger diddle whomever I want.
Just because you say "whomever"
does not make it okay.
It's not a big deal.
It's just like texting someone.
- Oh.
- It's just like Tinder.
Swipe right, swipe right, swipe left.
Swipe left, swipe right.
That's very graphic. That is...
Rotating your photos.
Expanding them, contracting them.
Are you deliberately trying to hurt me?
Is that what you're doing?
What? No!
I was just trying to get RiRi tickets...
to make my best friend feel better, okay?
We're on vacay.
You are invited to my sister's wedding.
You're supposed to smile, nod...
and do what I want you to do.
That's the deal.
I thought that we had a connection.
Like a spark.
You thought you were gonna bring me here
so that you could have sex with me.
Yes. No! What? Yeah, right.
Yes, obviously.
You are so hot. And you smell good.
It's not a weird thing that I wanna have
sex with you...
because you are very sexy...
and you were leading me on,
and we are in Hawaii...
which is a sexy place,
and people have sex here.
God, dude,
you built this all up in your head.
Alice and I just saw you on TV...
- wanted to go to Hawaii.
- Hold up.
You saw us on TV?
No, I don't even watch Wendy Williams.
- What?
- Shh!
I thought you dug me.
Are you even a teacher?
What about little Julio...
the dyslexic boy
who you taught how to read?
Made it up. All of it.
Although I did have sex
with this guy name Julio once...
and I'm pretty sure he couldn't read.
Here I thought you were Michelle Pfeiffer
from Dangerous Minds.
Turns out, you're Michelle Pfeiffer
from Scarface.
And you didn't even
say hello to my little friend.
Oh, come on, man.
I'm really sorry. Um...
I've been acting crazy.
It's probably about Luke, my ex.
Oh, yeah. The guy who
died in the plane crash...
with cancer, and AIDS, and stuff.
Yeah, that's the one.
Except none of that stuff happened,
'cause, um...
I lied.
You lied?
I can't do this.
- That's okay. That's okay.
- Sorry everyone.
I just forgot my phone.
Can I grab my phone?
Sorry, I still don't want to get married.
Oh, my gosh. That's almost
as bad as the plane crash story.
Why didn't you just tell me?
I didn't want you to think
I was damaged goods.
I would never think that.
"Love hurts.
"Love scars.
"Love wounds, and mars."
That's from a really old song,
for old people.
Why are you so nice?
'Cause I think you're nice.
David, I need you here with me now.
Come on.
No. No.
Stangles, assemble. Now!
- Let's go.
- Is he okay?
Yeah, I think he's fine.
He's just got a lot on his mind.
Let's go!
Okay, I'm coming, dude. Jeez.
Oh... I...
You gave me a boost up. Okay.
A line has been drawn, David.
A clear line in the sand.
Is that why you brought me
all the way down here...
so you could literally
draw a line in the sand?
I'm a visual thinker, David.
- God damn it!
- Son of a...
These girls, they've gotta go.
They pretended to dig us
just to get a free trip to Hawaii.
They're liars!
So what, man? So they lied.
I was talking to Alice.
You have no idea
what this girl's been through.
She needed this trip.
We might have saved her life.
We should be practicing our speech
for tonight.
Not babysitting the twins
from The Shining.
Oh, my God.
Why are you laughing at me?
You sound like mom and dad
when they're talking about us.
Well, no, fuck that noise.
Oh. Oh. Oh.
Guess what! You're gonna love this.
Tatiana was jerking off our cousin Terry.
- What?
- Mmm-hmm.
Cousin Terry has a dick?
No, not "jerking off" jerking off.
The female version of jerking.
Dude, let's just chill out...
focus on Jeanie,
and try not to be assholes...
for the rest of the weekend, okay?
Can we do that?
I can't do that, David.
Because I saw our little sister...
Well, let's just say
she was making this face...
What? She saw a ghost?
She really had to pee?
Doing vocal warmups?
What are you doing?
It looks like you're having an orgasm.
She was, David! With the masseuse.
- What!
- Yes!
Oh, my God!
- She orgasms like a star.
- No!
What's next?
I'm gonna walk in on mom
giving dad a Push Pop?
What's a Push Pop?
I made it up, Dave.
It's a sexual term that I just made up.
- What's a Push Pop?
- I don't know.
- What's a Push Pop?
- I don't know!
What's a Push Pop?
I've been to the bowels of the Internet,
and I've never seen a Push Pop.
God, just tell me! What's a Push Pop?
It's a whole hand up an ass, David.
Is that what you want me to say?
- Oh, God!
- Two hands pushin' the pop.
- Oh, God.
- Is that what you want me to say?
I'll send you some links.
- We're at table two.
- I'll be at the bar.
- I said table two.
- I'll be at the bar!
You're out of control!
Thank you.
Trouble in paradise?
Freaking I don't care if I cause a scene.
Freaking I will punch you 17,000 times
in the face. Freaking.
Take a shot.
You look like Don Johnson
fucked Zack Morris.
Wait till Tatiana hears your shitty speech
after my crazy dope one.
She's never gonna
touch your baby bird again.
Thriller-Terry out!
So sad!
Oh, my God. It's a movie about cameras
just following you everywhere.
- Like The Truman Show.
- Yeah! Exactly like The Truman Show!
Hey, Dave! Dave!
Hey, what's up?
I need you to come backstage right now
and practice the speech.
Dude, I'm kind of
talking to Alice right now.
Which is a conversation
you've now interrupted twice.
Our speech needs to kill.
Terry got a punch up from Chris Rock.
I didn't want to tell you before
because I didn't want you to freak out.
I'm not freaking out.
Calm the fuck down, Dave!
You calm the fuck down!
Mike, you look like
your face is gonna pop.
You gonna come or what?
Let's go.
I'll see you backstage.
- I'm gonna go deal with this real quick.
- Okay.
I'll just talk to myself for a while.
All alone.
...look on your stupid face!
What's wrong with me?
Don't fucking look at her. Turn around.
Everybody get the fuck out of here.
Fuck you, Luke.
I'm just gonna have
a little lie down, okay?
- Hi!
- Hi!
Did you need to
take a little breather, too?
No. Why? Are you?
You know, you think that
every moment is going to feel...
warm and glowy...
and absolutely magical.
But, then, some stuff happens.
- Sure does.
- Yeah.
Well, if you want
warm, glowy and magical...
I have just the thing.
I don't leave home without it.
- Ecstasy.
- Oh!
Every bride deserves to have a little fun
the night before her wedding!
Yeah. I deserve to have a little fun.
You are so nice to me.
This is gonna be so much fun!
- We should find something to suck on.
- What? Oh.
- Mike!
- Here. Put these on.
- We need headsets?
- Yeah!
There's a lot of dancing
in our speech, my man. Right?
Gotta go hands free.
This is how we do it, baby.
Come on. Hey, check this out.
I'm going to "wedding crash" cousin Terry.
Put a few eye drops in her drink.
That way she shits all night,
and can't do the speech.
Just like in the movie Wedding Crashers.
Mike, that is a terrible idea.
- You've seen the movie!
- Of course I've seen the movie.
- You love that movie.
- Everyone loves that movie.
How's it a bad idea if you love the movie?
I love Taken.
I don't want to go steal little girls.
But we shouldn't wedding crash
our own cousin.
I'm worried about you, man.
I'm really worried
that you're losing your mind.
The look in your eyes right now...
You haven't blinked
since we've started talking.
Oh, Davie, Davie, Davie!
I've never been in more control
in my entire life.
This is really intense.
Yeah, it's hitting me really hard.
This is good ecstasy.
I don't know. I wouldn't know.
It's my first time.
- Wait, what?
- What?
Why would you take ecstasy
for the first time
on the night before your wedding?
That is so baller!
Like a tiny blonde gangsta!
This little gangsta would kill
for a motherfucking ginger ale!
- Do you wanna go?
- Mmm-hmm.
Okay, let's go.
Hello, everyone. Please take your seats.
Welcome to the rehearsal dinner
for my man, Eric...
and his bride-to-be, the lovely Jeanie.
They're two of the sweetest, best people
I ever met.
All right. Our first speaker tonight...
is resident nasty girl...
Cousin Terry.
We can't let Terry crush.
It's not fair!
No. Give it to me.
My eyes are dry. Just give it to me.
Do you guys know who Chris Rock is?
He's my neighbor, and he helped me out
with a little something I like to call...
"My speech."
Stop. You're wasting it.
You're wasting the poison.
Mike, this is baby safe.
They removed the active ingredient,
Tetrahydrozoline, like 20 years ago!
It worked on Wedding Crashers!
That was not real life!
Now let's talk about destination weddings!
It's like a vacation...
without the relaxation!
That's true.
Why aren't you on my side, Dave?
I'm done with this shit, man.
I'm not doing our stupid speech.
In fact, I'm quitting our liquor business.
There it is!
- Really?
- Yeah.
And what are you gonna do?
I'm gonna draw!
I'm gonna work on my graphic novel,
and Mom's gonna help me cover the rent.
You traitor!
I ain't gotta rehearse!
I know how to eat dinner.
Keith, can you turn me up a little bit?
You turn your back on me
when everyone else does.
Backstabbing, treacherous lying coward!
Ooh, I don't think they know they're on.
What? Where is that coming from?
I don't know what I did!
It doesn't matter, Mike.
You're losing your mind.
You just tried to poison our cousin Terry!
Try a little harder. Am I right?
You're goddamn right I did.
Because I wanted her to shit
hot brown poop all over that stage.
That is unacceptable.
The mics are on, boys.
I wanted her butt to explode
like a rotten cantaloupe.
The mics are on!
You're just fucking pissed off
because Tatiana finger diddled Terry.
There it is!
It was for tickets to Rihanna.
You're sad, man. You are sad.
I'm gonna kick your ass
just like when we were kids.
- Oh!
- My God!
- Do you wanna go?
- Don't do it!
These are coming your way.
Just stop!
God! That had to hurt.
Don't do it again.
Why do you keep punching me?
Why do you keep rushing at me?
Get him, Dave.
Oops, who said that?
This wedding is going to hell!
They're out there,
smiling like fucking idiots.
And they don't realize the bride...
is getting off at massage parlors...
like a goddamn Vietnam War veteran.
I think they misunderstood what happened.
I think they just misunderstood.
I walked in and saw little Jeanie...
the bride-to-be, orgasming.
The masseuse got her off.
God damn it!
I hate you!
The rehearsal dinner is over.
Drinks by the pool, everybody.
Drinks by the pool.
Everything feels so good, right?
You know what
I've been thinking about a lot?
Tell me.
Eric is so sweet and sensitive.
Kind, good, fianc.
Probably great husband and stuff, but...
Do you think Eric is boring?
Like for my honeymoon...
all I wanted to do
was go on a hot air balloon...
to different countries around the world.
And just be surrounded by wicker.
We could have wicker picnic baskets...
and I could make picnic hats
out of wicker.
We would be wearing
matching Chuck Taylors.
- And he vetoed it.
- Oh!
Because he wants to go to a resort,
and just...
- ...perch.
- What?
I am a young woman...
- Preach!
- There is so much for me to see.
- Yes.
- I haven't even been to Burning Man.
I don't even know what Amsterdam is like.
I haven't been to Seattle.
You've never been to Seattle?
- Seattle's gonna change your fucking life!
- Really?
You need to get out of this cage!
I am in a cage...
just like these horses are caged.
Just let them out.
Let them all out.
Be free! No one can hold you down!
Be free, my friends! Follow your dreams!
Here to pile on?
Go ahead.
Any insult you can think of...
I've probably told myself a million times.
Why were you trying to poison your cousin?
I was jealous of the whole
steam room incident.
That is some crazy shit.
That's like something I would do.
This one time in high school...
this bitch tried to hit on my boyfriend...
and I cut off her ponytail
while she was sleeping...
and I wore it to school for a month.
What the fuck?
But you tried to poison your cousin.
Look. I'm sorry I've been so rough
on you, okay?
I honestly think it's
because you're so much like me.
You act all confident...
but, inside, you're scared of everything.
You act like you don't care
what people think...
but you really care what people think.
And you try to act so smart...
but sometimes...
you're just afraid
you're the dumbest person in the world.
I'm so dumb.
I'm constantly saying words
that I don't know the meaning of.
Like, I use this word, "assuage"...
all the time.
Can you assuage me the ketchup?
Can I assuage you a few questions?
- Is that the meaning of it?
- I don't know.
But it's like, I'm so stupid...
but I act all confident,
so people listen to me.
And it's fucked up.
Me, too. I'm a natural born leader.
Like George Washington.
Or another leader.
All right, here's one.
But I'm about to get super real
with you. Okay?
I thought I was destined
for such great things...
but I may never achieve anything.
Have you been reading my diary?
You are beautiful!
On to Seattle!
Am I glowing?
I can see sounds and hear colors.
Be free!
What the fuck are the horses doing out?
Who the fuck are you guys?
Fucking gypsies!
Francisco! Francisco, run!
Whoa! Shit!
Dave! Hi.
What's up? What's up with you?
- What's going on? Are you okay?
- Me?
Yeah. I'm fine.
Oh. Yeah. Well...
Yeah. See, what happened was that...
there was a tsunami,
and it took away our clothes...
but it brought these horses.
And then, we wanted to get naked
because of Lady Godiva...
but then horses can't eat chocolate.
They could have an aneurysm.
Where's Jeanie?
Hey, don't yell at her
just because she's the one...
- that told me to go to Seattle.
- Holy shit!
- I've always wanted to go!
- Oh, my God!
That is not her fault.
- Oh, my eyes!
- What's the matter?
Stop yelling. Why are you yelling?
David, stop yelling.
You're being loud. And this a happy time.
This a really good time.
There's nothing wrong. So who's at fault?
Did you know that Hitler's parents
were second cousins?
- Do you have any water?
- Put your clothes on!
I'm a woman, Dave. Deal with it.
Because this is the bush
that you came out of.
I didn't come from that bush.
I came from Mom's bush. And you know that.
Jeanie! Oh, my God!
You're completely naked!
- Hi, Becky!
- God, your bush is huge.
- You look tall.
- No, ma'am.
I told you to stay away
from these bitches.
Alice, seriously, are you tripping?
No. God, no.
Why would say that?
Just because everything feels really soft?
Please. Just tell me the truth.
Are you on drugs?
We're super fucked up. Yeah.
We started with ecstasy,
but then I went into my mystery bags.
Why the fuck would you do that?
Don't you judge me, David.
I don't think you're supposed to
go into the mystery bag...
the night before the wedding.
We brought you here
because we thought you were nice girls.
But Mike was right about you two.
This whole wedding weekend
is just going to shit!
Dave, I'll be honest with you.
I need some clothes.
I can't continue to wear this horse.
Oh, my God.
Oh, the wind feels so nice.
Come on, come on, come on.
We should go in the ocean. I'm so thirsty!
Dave, we should get in the ocean.
Please, please, please, just be quiet.
I love this song.
There's no music playing.
Baby, wait.
Don't worry. Only our butts touched.
Stop it. Don't freak out anymore, Pumpkin!
Don't freak out? Don't freak out?
Tell me one thing.
Did you enjoy it?
That is such a "yes" no.
I'm gonna ask you again. Did you enjoy it?
Yes! Oh.
Cat's out of the frigging bag, isn't it?
I went for a normal massage...
but Alice, she had asked
for a little special treat.
And then it just kept coming,
and coming, and coming, and...
Who are these fucking girls
your brothers brought to this wedding?
You are clearly on drugs.
And we're getting married tomorrow!
I'm scared, Pumpkin.
Aren't you scared?
Well, yeah, now I am.
It's just that...
I'm just a little worried that you are...
What are you saying?
You don't want to marry me?
No, she doesn't mean that.
She's just confused...
because she's just rolling
super hard right now.
You rolled her!
- You're the roller!
- I'm so sorry.
I was gonna draw Rum for you.
But not anymore.
Everything is not irie, man!
You've made me so, so sad.
But a little bit mad.
But mostly just sad.
- Dad!
- Don't!
Mike, for once in your life...
please don't say a fucking word.
I hate them sometimes.
Fucking love them and they're dicks.
Sometimes I love them,
sometimes I hate them.
Everything okay over there?
I can't find my other sock.
It's pissing me off.
Did you take my sock, bro?
I think you took my fucking sock, bro.
God damn it.
I can't believe Jeanie and Eric
aren't getting married...
and it's all our fault.
It's slightly our fault.
It's totally our fault. Fuck.
We got selfish. We got distracted.
I don't think we were
#DoingltForJeanie at all.
We weren't #DoingltForJeanie.
Our fucking little sister.
Our little Jeanie Beanie Weanie.
She is Stanglita.
The one little girl
we used to let into our Stang Hangs.
The Stangle Dangle.
The smallest plane in the Stangar.
Don't do it, dude.
We're supposed to be her protector.
Don't you cry.
We're supposed to look out for her.
Stop it.
We're supposed to be the two dudes
that have her back no matter what.
If you start, I'm gonna start.
We broke up her marriage.
Of course I'm fucking doing it, man.
We ruined Jeanie's wedding.
I'm doing it, too.
I hate it.
Oh, man, we fucked up this wedding.
We fucked it in the dick.
You know I don't like it when you say that.
That's just...
I know, but we fucked it so hard. Fuck.
I think the reason we get ourselves
into so much shit is...
we're always telling each other
we're so awesome...
when we're definitely not being awesome.
That's deep.
Yeah, you know what? Um...
I wanted you to feel better...
and get your groove back...
but not all the way better to where...
you wouldn't need me anymore.
Because if you don't need me...
then nobody needs me, and, um...
Anyway, that's what I was thinking
when I was knuckles deep into Cousin Terry.
Dude, we're always gonna need each other.
Okay, here's the thing.
I don't wanna stop being us.
But I think occasionally...
we should think about
how we make other people feel.
Like Jeanie?
Yeah, like Jeanie.
- Oof.
- Or like Eric.
Oh, fuck.
This feels fucking terrible.
This does not feel good.
Like, Dave's so special and...
He must be so mad at me.
Poor Mike.
He's less special,
but I played him so hard.
They must be so mad at us!
They must hate us. Fuck! I would hate us.
I would fucking hate us!
I hate us, man. I hate us!
I hate us, too!
But you're the best, dude. I love you.
Don't lump yourself in with me.
I'm like a little troll...
who lives on nothing but
river water and squirrel meats.
Your drawing?
I could never do anything like that.
- So go. You go right now.
- What?
Don't let your loser older brother
hold you back.
You are not a loser.
Thanks, Dave.
Dude, you introduced me
to the Ninja Turtles.
Taught me Donatello was a pussy.
That Raphael was actually dope...
because he didn't give a fuck
what people thought.
He's cool, but rude.
When all those kids kicked at me
and they called me "Moist"...
you stopped eating muffins
at the school lunch for a year.
They were too moist.
Made you an easy target.
You're my brother. And I love you.
Heroes in a half shell.
Turtle power.
We're not going anywhere...
until our little sister,
Jeanie Beanie Weanie...
is getting married.
You just killed the TV.
I was aiming for it.
We are such idiots. We are so stupid.
We ruined your whole wedding...
and we finally just realized that.
All right. Please just stop talking, okay?
Not another word. My head hurts so bad.
Jeanie, Eric.
We can't let you not get married
just because we fucked everything up.
We love you so much, Jeanie.
We love you, Eric.
We just want you guys to love each other.
- Just love each other.
- That's it.
Jeanie, Eric.
We can't let you not get married.
Yeah. Just because
we fucked everything up?
I mean, we want you guys
to love each other.
Love each other.
Okay. This is bizarre,
because we literally did that...
...exact same thing.
We're even doing this hand motion.
Yeah, all that was ours.
The point is, this shit is all our fault.
No, it's our fault.
No, it's definitely our fault.
It is our fault for sure.
No, no, no. For real.
If anything, it's my fault.
Shh! Please stop.
Everyone shut the fuck up!
Jesus Hussein Christ.
God damn it!
Been trying to read this same paragraph...
for 20 minutes.
But you four fucking morons
keep on fucking with my shit.
We've only been here for three minutes...
so those other 17 minutes...
- that's kind of on you...
- Mike!
I'm using hyperbole.
I don't know what that means,
and I think you know that I don't.
Mike, do me a favor. Shut the fuck up.
Go Eric.
Shut up too!
I mean, God damn it!
You're all self-absorbed,
codependent weirdos!
- Yeah.
- I know.
- That's pretty spot-on.
- We just figured that out.
- Those are not good qualities.
- We're gonna work on it.
- It's been a long time.
- It's been so many years.
We're both very confused.
No, no. You're not confused.
You're just coming down off MDMA.
Sorry. Which I gave you.
And Eric, you can't blame her
for anything she said last night.
I've done so much stupid shit on E.
I got so dehydrated that
I was drinking puddle water...
and I had to go to the hospital...
'cause puddles are really dirty.
One time I was on peyote...
and I signed up for a T-Mobile plan.
One time I got high.
I read the back of a shampoo bottle
for 13 hours.
Because it said "repeat."
- Rinse and repeat.
- I get it.
Jeanie, I know you think
that Eric can be boring...
Enough of this talk of boring!
Damn it!
Sixty percent of my investments
are in some pretty aggressive stocks.
I don't always look both ways
when I cross the street.
I've been known to have
a second glass of wine...
with my dinner, every now and then.
I once went to see a movie...
walked across the hallway,
saw a second movie.
Didn't pay till after.
Is that boring?
Is that boring?
- What'd you say?
- Yeah.
- You're right. We were wrong.
- That was pretty boring.
Well, how about this for boring?
Two hot air balloon tickets
for our honeymoon.
I know you really wanted to go...
so I got these tickets a while ago
to surprise you.
Baby, you're so afraid of heights.
- Baby, I'm fucking terrified of heights.
- Yeah.
But my biggest fear...
is to not be the husband that you deserve.
Baby, I'm sorry I fucked
so much of this up...
but I promise that masseuse...
He didn't touch my lavender juice box.
Oh God, baby. I love you.
And I know I want to marry you.
Today, if you'll still have me.
Babe, of course. Are you kidding me?
Kiss her.
Baby, I'm crazy about you.
I want to marry you right now...
but, baby, we already canceled
all the vendors.
I don't think they're going to
let us get married here.
Leave that to us.
Leave that to all of us.
- Yeah!
- Let's go, Mike.
This way! Oh, fuck!
We'll actually just head around.
- Girl.
- I'm good.
So what part you like, brah?
- We need the whole pig.
- I can't give you a whole pig.
But we need to feed 100 people.
Could we please, please
have the wedding here?
For the last time, we're out of venues.
- Hold me back. Hold me back, please.
- What?
Give us a place!
Everybody out of the way!
It's hot. So hot!
- Out of the fucking way!
- I want my pig back!
What if I supplied all the liquor...
for every bar in this hotel...
at wholesale prices
for the next three years?
- Deal.
- Yes! Fuck yes!
I'll get you guys a venue.
Keith, get it together.
We need to move, move, move.
I'm doing my best.
Hell yeah!
And now... a reading...
from the children's book
that I got in the lobby.
- Oh.
- "Aloha moon.
"Aloha sea.
"Aloha you.
"Aloha me."
- I do.
- I do.
By the power vested in me...
I now pronounce you husband and wife.
Those assholes kind of did it.
Those assholes kind of did.
You may kiss the bride.
Okay. Kiss the bride.
Kiss the bride.
- You designed this?
- Yeah.
Insane. We're at a wedding,
it's in the shape of a heart.
That was a really good idea.
I have so many good ideas.
At my last job, I was on fire with ideas.
Huh? Actually, I need a new partner...
because Dave is bailing on me
to draw things.
Would you wanna...
maybe come work for me?
What do you know about liquor?
Um, only that it's delicious and I love it.
And those are
the two things you need to know.
- You are hired.
- Great. When do I start?
You can start right away...
but just know that there will be
some late nights.
Keep it in your pants, okay?
If we're going to work together,
let's just...
keep it professional.
- We'll keep it professional, then.
- Good.
- All right.
- Good.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
- Are you sure?
- I don't know.
- What'd you say?
- What?
Love me tender
Love me sweet
Never let me go
You have made my life complete
I don't.
Love me tender
Love me true
All my dreams fulfilled
For my darlin' I love you
Tatiana said this was gonna happen.
You got my groove back.
That's the sweetest thing
anyone's ever said to me.
I like you.
Wait. There's people everywhere.
- Let them watch.
- Mmm. Okay.
Hi, everyone.
Excuse us. Could we have
your attention, please?
My husband and I...
want to thank
four very incredible people...
for saving the day.
Mike and Dave have asked
to say a few words...
so we would like to invite them up.
Come on, boys.
Thank you, Jeanie.
We never got to give our speech
at the rehearsal dinner.
Because we ruined it. With fights.
But we just wanted
everybody here to know...
exactly how we feel about you.
Did you know this was coming?
You are so beautiful
So beautiful
To me
Can't you see?
You're so beautiful
This is real beautiful, man.
You're everything I hoped for
- In a little sister!
- Oh!
You're everything I need
Everything that I need
They're kind of good.
You are so beautiful
As a couple. Right guys?
To me
And to you.
And to you. To all of us.
You're beautiful, Jeanie!
Dave, everybody.
He's gonna draw!
Love you!
So sweet.
Thought they were gonna blow it.
They did not.
That's good.
This is how we do it
This is how we do it
This is how we do it
This is how we do it
It's Friday night
Oh, you don't throw...
And I feel all right
The party's here on the west side
So I reach for my forty and I turn it up
Designated driver got the keys to my truck
- Hit the shore 'cause I'm faded
- Faded
Honey on the streets saying
Monty, yo, we made it
I'm kinda buzzed and it's all because
This is how we do it
South Central does it like nobody does
This is how we do it
All right.
To all my neighbors, you got much flavor
This is how we do it
# StangleBenoit2016.
Hell yeah!
Oh, God!
I picked a bad pose, guys.
These are for you, Jeanie!
Fireworks close the show!
Those are from China, those fireworks.
You idiots! You fucking...
This is cool.
I didn't know you could do it this way.
I'm done.
Fuck. Holy shit.
That was great. Good job.
I'm so behind right now
on Game of Thrones.
I don't even know what's happening
with Khaleesi and her Dothraki boyfriend.
Okay. Well he's dead, and so is Jon Snow.
Jon Snow?
Fuck that dude.
I'm taller than him anyways.
Saw him.
I just found out some spelunker
went dunkin' in your bunker.
You are fresh as a fucking dick
in the morning.
That's not that fresh.
Have you ever sucked a dick
in the morning?
I brush my teeth with dick, girl.
- Alright...
- What?
Oh. Fox don't like that joke?
I'm gonna throw up. You look like meat!
Inner dialogue, inner dialogue.
I once got lockjaw so bad
that I was sucking a homeless man's thumb.
Dave actually had to
come get me from the hospital...
because they found 13 Pokemon pugs
and a skimmer...
shoved up my butthole.
I just had to wait to poop them out.
That's okay. No, no. Keep your dick in.
For most of my life,
I thought goat cheese...
was a slang term
for cheese that's gone bad.
I'd see moldy cheese and I'd be, like,
"Dude, that cheese is goat."
Like, "Get that goat cheese
off the counter."
You look like a deconstructed taco.
Like carnival food.
Like the waffle that the chef would just go,
"We're throwing that away."
What are we doing?
And the home
Of the
Play ball, Mike.
You know we saw my nigga
Mike and me forever
It's the Stang life, bitch
Stang life, getting rich
Selling fucking liquor quick
Mike and me forever
It's the Stang life, bitch
Stang life
I will never die I'm a Stangle, bitch
Hunchback of Notre D on the B
Flying fucking girls
to my sister's wedding at the beach
Now we in first class seats
Couldn't hold me back, G
Jeanie Stangie being wild
Sippin' Cristal, sippin', sippin' Cristal
Sippin', sippin' Cristal
Jeanie, Jeanie, Jeanie Beanie Weanie
Gettin' married with Eric
Guaranteed he's got a big, big weenie
I'm proud of my little sister
Proud that she got a wedding ring
And a necklace, Eric you're my brother now
So that means I'm kinda black
Oh, wait. Not really. I'm white, man.
I'm just happy to be
related to you, honestly.
- Shout out to Eric.
- Eric!
I be like Superman, let me out the cage
I got out of my cast
and I flipped the page
And now I'm drawing comic books
like I used to do
Kinda cool,
Little sister Jeanie getting married too
Mike and Dave forever
It's the Stang life, bitch
Stang life, getting rich,
selling fucking liquor quick
Mike, Mike and Dave forever
It's the Stang life, bitch
Stan g life
I will never die, I'm a Stangle, bitch
Yeah, we put the wedding back together
First we broke it up but we made it better
Nobody makes fun of me in any way
'Cause I got Mike by my side,
and you know what he say
Scoliosis, now I'm fucking yo bitch
Scoliosis, now I'm fuckin' two chicks
Scoliosis, vroom vroom vroom
Comin' through the jungle at you like boom
Mike and Dave Stangle on the ATV
- We're gonna die
- It's my girls and me
My crew and us, we just cruisin'
Doin' fuckin' backflips
off jumps guaranteed
Ran over my sister's face
- It was kinda wack
- My bad
But you know what? We came back from that
You're getting married now and it's okay
You're soiurassic, you're so fantastic
Mike and Dave forever
It's the Stang life, bitch
Stan g life, getting rich,
selling fucking liquor quick
Mike, Mike and Dave forever
It's the Stang life, bitch
Stang life, I will never die
I'm a Stangle, bitch
My boy Dave, puttin' pen to paper
Trying to get this damn label off
Like Aftermath?
Vanilla Ice remodeled my house
Told Dave and I we should start rappin'
My brother's the best white rapper