Monster Brawl (2011) Movie Script

They've been out there
for centuries.
Lurking in the shadows.
Rotting in our stories and myths.
And buried in our nightmares.
For the time will come
when monsters
will shape the fortunes of all.
The most highly anticipated extreme
sporting event ever.
Ever, ever, ever.
Eight deadly monsters
summoned to the ring
from all corners of the Earth,
fighting to the death to determine the
most powerful ghoul of all time.
Ghoul of all time.
Fighting and monster fans
from across the world,
board up your windows and
put your kids to bed,
for it's the ultimate fight
of the living dead.
The living dead.
This is Monster Brawl.
Good evening monster
fans in Canada,
Newfoundland and the United
States of America.
We're coming to you live from
the abandoned and overgrown
Hillside Necropolis in
central Michigan,
and folks, we're about to witness
an unspeakable war of attrition
here at the first ever Monster
Brawl main event.
I'm Buzz Chambers,
here with legendary former champ,
Sasquatch Sid Tucker.
And tonight, we present
a shocking and God-awful
fighting tournament
featuring a roster of the world's
most notorious ghouls,
in what can only be described
as a showdown for the ages.
That's right, Buzz.
This will be a blood-curdling
battle to the death
for our eight gruesome and
ghastly combatants.
Now, the tournament consists
of two conferences.
The Undead and the Creatures.
Each conference contains
four monsters.
There are middleweight contenders
and the heavyweights.
Let's take a quick look
at our fighters.
The Unread Conference.
The Mummy.
Lady Vampire.
Zombie Man.
The Creatures Conference.
Witch Bitch.
Swamp Gut.
Now, our opening fights feature
the middleweight battles
from each conference.
And the division titles
are up for grabs.
First up from the Creatures,
is Cyclops vs. Witch Bitch.
Then for the Undead
it's Mummy vs. Lady Vampire.
The next round of fights is
our heavyweight contests.
For the Creatures it's Swamp
Gut pitted against Werewolf.
And for the Undead, it's Frankenstein
vs. Zombie Man.
The final fight of the night
will have the contenders
from each heavyweight bout facing
each other in a bitter
and grisly end showdown.
But first, we welcome special
Monster Brawl dignitary,
the perpetually hyper "Mouth
from the South", Jimmy Hart.
Come on baby, step
on it! Step on it!
I'm going to be late for
the Monster Brawl!
Look, I promise you III pay
for the speeding ticket.
I promise! I promise! Look, pal, I'm
begging you, step on it. Please.
I'm going to turn into a pumpkin
if you don't hurry.
II right. Come on, baby. I
think I'm gonna make it.
Jimmy, glad you could
make it here tonight.
How are you feeling?
Guys, this is awesome! I'm
having a blast here.
The monsters are getting
ready for the fights.
I just saw a graveyard worker get their
arms ripped off by a zombie.
We're in for a blistering,
bickering battle royal,
a devastating, disgusting
and a freakish, forlorn fracas.
Hey Jimmy, give us some background
info on this event.
How the hell did Monster
Brawl come to life, huh?
This event started out as
just a crazy old dream
from an unemployed, smalltime wresting
promoter named Jake Blackburn.
He first devised this idea
over five years ago from
his parent's basement.
I had a chance to catch up with
Blackburn earlier in the week,
and he had this to say.
Blackburn, I got a few questions
for you, if you don't mind.
Why don't you tell
us about yourself?
I've always been a geek when it
comes to wresting and monsters.
I used to make Kung Fu tournaments.
I'd have all my friends over,
and we'd beat each other up,
and then we'd run inside and watch
monster movies and scare
the crap out of each other.
Well, let me ask you this.
What in the world compelled
you to go down this path?
I mean, why monsters?
Why-why wresting?
Well, these things are
like my drugs, man.
I mean, when everyone else was
out partying on Friday nights,
I'm sitting at home watching
Japanese death matches
and doodling monsters fighting.
As a local promoter, I know it was
tough. You had a lot of struggles.
Can you tell us about it?
It was tough. We're going around with
wrestlers no one has heard of.
It kind of fizzled out. But, uh, I
went back to the drawing board,
that's when I started thinking
about the big ideas.
What about Las Vegas?
Bright lights, big city,
sold-out crowds?
It all came down to affordability and
keeping the monsters comfortable.
They don't wanna be in front of
big crowds with lots of lights going
off and stuff like that.
There's a safety issue. You don't want
them ripping arms off of people.
That's when we came up with the idea
to have it in a secret graveyard.
We can show it to the whole
world. It's perfect.
How in the hell did you
recruit these monsters?
Frankenstein? Zombie?
We're sending invites
all over the place.
Some monsters just caught wind
of what was going on.
Some just showed up out of nowhere,
like they were summoned here from
the dark forces we got in play.
It's gonna be an amazing battle,
Jimmy, and to me it
doesn't matter who wins.
It's all about the journey getting
here, and it's been great.
Well, there you have it folks.
The brains behind the brawl.
May I give you some advice?
If you make some money, get
you a new suit, okay?
All right. Hey, good luck.
All right, thanks, Jimmy.
We're back graveside,
with Cyril Haggard,
the resident grave keeper here
at Hillside Necropolis.
Cy, you know this turf
better than anyone.
Why was this particular cemetery
chosen as tonight's venue?
I told you to mind
your own business.
I warned you not to go messing
with this place.
Gotcha. We know that the arena
terrain is mostly dead mulch
and thick forest, but are there
any environmental factors
that might come into play during
the fights tonight?
The soil is cursed, boy!
You've gone and stirred
up a heap of trouble.
Something evil has been unearthed,
and I can feel it in my bones.
Evil. Evil!
Sounds good, Cy.
Thanks for dropping by and we
hope you enjoy the fights.
You bastards are gonna pay
for what you've done.
You're gonna pay.
You're all doomed.
Again, thanks for dropping
by, Cy, with that wonderful
bit of foreboding.
I warned you this place was cursed!
And now, before we preview
our opening match,
Let's go live backstage where legendary
mixed martial arts referee
and official Monster
Brawl officiator,
Herb Dean is standing by
to give us some details
on the rules and regulations for
our upcoming fights. Herb?
Hey guys, pleasure to be here.
Herb, what are your thoughts
on this event?
It's unbelievable. There's an eerie
vibe back here in the crypts
where the monsters are
getting prepared.
This night's gonna go down
in fighting history.
What do you think about living
in a world where monsters
must fight to the death?
I think it's great. I hate monsters
more than anything.
And the way I see it, there's
gonna be a few less monsters
in the world after tonight
'cause some of them ain't
leaving this cemetery.
What kind of rules have been
established for this tournament?
What, no rules whatsoever?
No, man. No rules, no time
limits, no stoppages.
The match will continue until
one of them loses their life.
I'm here to cut down on
the shots to the groin,
manager interventions,
that sort of thing.
Other than that, standard
That's wonderful. We'll see you
shortly inside the ring.
And we'll take our first break
here at the graveyard
and be right back with the opening
fight of the evening.
lonian Islands, Greece.
An urgent message for you, Sir.
Who sent you?
A shadow from the West.
There's a storm brewing.
Monsters the world over
have been summoned.
So, the hour is upon us.
My training will begin at dawn.
Almost 3000 years ago, I
made a terrible mistake.
I made a fateful deal with
the evil god Hades.
In return for one of my eyes, he
grant me power to see future.
I can foretell the
deaths of others.
I went into hiding, ashamed
and without honor.
Now, a force beckons me
that is more powerful
than anything.
If you can see the future,
you must already know the
outcome of the battle.
Honor is like an island. Rugged
and without shores.
Once you leave, you
can never return.
Buzzard's Bay, Massachusetts.
Witch! You ought to be
burned to the ground.
You're the worst witch ever.
You're a witch.
Go away!
What do you want?
I'm known around these
parts as the Grub.
The Grub?
That's right. Professional monster
bodyguard and manager.
Who sent you here?
Listen. I caught whispers
of a secret tournament
for people like yourself.
Piss off, troll!
Wait a minute! They are holding a
monster fighting event next month,
and I need a fighter.
We'll make you the most powerful
menace the world has ever seen.
No more witch hunts. The townsfolk
will bow to you.
Well, don't just stand
there. Come inside.
Now, tell me again how I'm
supposed to stand up to the
rest of these monsters?
I've trained the most disagreeable
monsters in the entire universe.
But you, you could go all
the way to the top!
Picture this. Diabolical outcast
from small village
wins Monster Brawl.
You will have your vengeance.
Everyone who spit on
you, heckled you,
beat and raped you.
But I can't fight!
Forget all the necromancy
crap. The conjury.
The dark magic.
You have to become a warrior!
Now, if we only had the
proper name for you,
that would instill terror into
the heart of your opponent.
Witch Bitch.
Witch Bitch. Witch Bitch.
Witch Bitch.
Witch Bitch.
Creatures Conference Middleweight
Title Match.
Cyclops vs. Witch Bitch.
We're back, ladies and gentlemen, with
our opening bout of the evening.
Now we're ready to get this
brawl underway Buzz,
and what a first match-up.
We have the one-eyed ancient
warrior Cyclops
going head-to-head against
the uncomely, Witch Bitch.
Let's go to our fight preview.
Normally Cyclops would
not fight women.
But this Witch is a bitch.
And I will crush her!
And Hades is next!
The Cyclops is a mythical creature.
He comes from a long line
of one-eyed blacksmiths,
and he's fought nearly everything
that's ever walked or crawled.
He's trained in fighting systems
varying from Roman Empire
gladiator tactics
to Greco-Spartan field combat.
In fact, he has the ability to
eradicate entire villages
with his special laser
beam eye maneuver.
Witch Bitch.
Listen up, Cyclops! You
Grub-wannabe bastard!
We've got some tricks
in store for you.
A whole bag of them, so
keep your eye open.
Witch Bitch is a grizzled
and vile occultist,
capable of conjuring dark spirits
and fatal spell attacks.
And was once part of a
Witch/Warlock tag team
until her partner was
burned at the stake.
She's also been taken under the
wing of monster bodyguard
and acne-smitten troll, the Grub,
who has trained and conditioned
Witch Bitch
in the weeks leading up
to tonight's event.
And now, we turn it
over to Jimmy Hart
to summon the creatures
from the crypts.
Ladies and gentlemen,
coming to you live
from the Hillside Necropolis
in Emmett, County Michigan,
the Monster Brawl Creatures Conference
Middleweight Showdown.
Introducing first, fighting
out of the stone crypt,
a mythical one-eyed brute
from lonia, Greece.
Weighing in at 280 pounds,
the legendary, the ageless
And his opponent, fighting
out of the wood crypt,
weighing in at 134 pounds.
From Buzzard's Bay, Massachusetts,
the bane of New England,
the infernal,
the unhallowed, the villainous
sorceress Witch Bitch.
And let's take a quick peak at
our Tale of the Tape, Buzz,
and see how these fighters
match up.
The Cyclops has a formidable record
and easily tops Witch Bitch
in strength and size.
Herb Dean is making his way out to
the ring area through the archway,
and what a class-act individual
and stellar representative
of monster fighting.
And the anticipation mounting
inside the graveyard
is about to explode.
And this is the biggest event in
the history of physical combat,
and I just hope my voice
holds up for this, Buzz!
All right guys, center up.
And if I'm Herb Dean, Buzz,
I'd get the hell out of
that ring in a hurry.
We've gone over the rules. Protect
yourself at all times.
Follow my instructions. We're
gonna have a clean fight.
Touch gloves, Let's
make it official.
It's the one and only time these
athletes will ever face each other,
and it's winner takes all.
The loser must leave this world.
You ready to fight?
You ready?
Let's do it.
And we're underway here
at Monster Brawl
as Cyclops and Witch Bitch engage
in a brutal bloodbath
for the Creatures Conference
middleweight title.
Cyclops misses with a quick lunge
as Witch Bitch gingerly slingshots
him into the ropes
and answers with a clothesline.
Look out! Witch Bitch with
a dirty kick to the dick
sends the ancient ogre reeling
to the canvas mat.
And Herb Dean has a
word with the Witch
regarding that ball-busting
That was a groin shot. You
need to keep it clean. We're
not gonna have that.
All right, you ready? Fight!
Cyclops pulls out a sledgehammer
and blindsides Witch Bitch
with a big backhand
hit to the face.
And she's in serious
trouble now, Sid.
And Herb Dean clearly appalled by
the action happening in the ring.
The Grub is in disbelief, and
now he's entering the ring
to mount an intervention on behalf
of his mangled protege.
The Grub broadsides Cyclops
with a folding chair,
and this fight is descending
into a circus, Sid.
And Herb Dean appears ready
to disqualify Witch Bitch
as he lectures the Grub at
the side of the ring.
And Witch Bitch pushes
aside her manager
and slices Herb Dean's neck
with a rusty cleaver!
Oh, good Lord! Folks, Herb Dean
has been seriously injured
as he flops out of the ring!
Monster Brawl ref Herb Dean
is dead at the age of 40!
And we're going to have to proceed
throughout the rest of the night
with no officiator, Sid.
Look, no more grieving, Buzz.
We're missing the action
in the ring.
And the Cyclops with a heavy blow
to the head of Witch Bitch,
sending her into the turnbuckle
where he lets loose a couple
of heavy punches.
And Witch Bitch with a sneaky
dodge as she batters Cyclops with
a shoulder to the chest.
Cyclops grabs Witch
Bitch by the neck.
And a sensational reversal
by Witch Bitch.
And Buzz, the Grub hands her a bottle
of moonshine or something
and she's happily indulging in it.
She's bitching up for
something big, Sid.
And the Witch humiliating
the Cyclops
as she spews that Bitch's
brew all over him.
Look out! She's going
in for an eye-gouge.
Cyclops in serious danger now
as Witch Bitch pries at
his exposed eyeball.
It's all fun and games until
someone loses their eye.
And the Cyclops is going nuts!
He's amassing an energy force
around his eyeball.
Cyclops possesses powers
older than time itself,
and he was hesitant to use this
weapon, but enough is enough.
It's time for this bitch to pay!
And Cyclops unloads a devastating
laser beam attack,
scorching the face of Witch Bitch!
That was a face-melting finish.
Cyclops wins.
Mythical laser blast.
Ding dong, the Witch is dead.
She'll find a final resting place
here at Hillside Necropolis.
Cyclops parades around the ring,
basking in the victory.
Cyclops wins!
And now the Grub enters the ring to
steal some thunder from Cyclops.
He wants a piece of the
one-eyed monster.
Oh, my God! The Grub gets his
head knocked right off
as Cyclops unloads a heavy blow
that literally decapitates
the veteran monster manager.
Hades! You're next!
I Love this! I Love it!
I Love it! I Love it!
Look at this. Cyclops just scorched
Witch Bitch with a laser beam!
And look at Herb Dean. He's dead!
I hate referees anyhow. They
are no use for anything.
Trust me on that, girls. And the
winner of the match is Cyclops!
A convincing win for the Cyclops,
as he takes the crown for the Creature
Conference middleweight title.
That's right, Buzz. The dead are
gone, and the Brawl must go on.
We'll be right back to preview
our next fight,
this time from the
Undead Conference.
Metropolitan Museum, New York City.
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen,
this is Chris Chilton
with a special B Channel News alert
for the Greater New York area.
Authorities have confirmed that
a reanimated mummy has escaped
from the Metropolitan Museum after
killing a forklift operator.
Experts believe the mummy might be
the fabled 4000-year-old remains
of King Khafra, a brutal
and vicious Pharaoh.
The entire Tri-state area is now
under an orange terror alert
as the undead monster roams
the streets aimlessly.
Our cameras caught up with
the Sheriff in front of the
museum earlier today.
It's our belief that he's
headed somewhere.
Something evil has compelled
him from the grave.
I encourage all citizens
to remain on high alert.
And if you see that mummy, you all
give me a call now, you hear?
Felldorf, Transylvania.
This is special agent
Laurence Dunn,
voice memorandum 19F81.
Operation Holy Water.
I have succeeded at traversing
the Carpathian Mountains
over the last nine days,
and I have arrived at a mysterious
and seemingly abandoned estate
not far from the village
of Felldorf.
The local peasants implored
me not to go any further,
saying that the land is unhallowed.
And there have been several recent
killings by a murderer in the night.
The villagers said things that have
happened here must not be known.
After I heard enough
of their Gypsy crap,
I followed the trail hard to
have a look for myself.
That trail ends here.
Madam, I'm agent Laurence Dunn.
I need to ask you a few questions.
Excuse me, is that blood
you're drinking?
This estate originally belonged
to Vlad the Impaler.
Is that correct?
How long have you lived here?
I'm the last of my kind.
Doomed to immortality.
The villagers have accused
you of murder.
I have to take you in.
Undead Conference Middleweight
Title Match.
Lady Vampire vs. the Mummy.
Welcome back to the program, folks.
I'm Buzz Chambers, here with
living legend Sasquatch Sid,
and we're set for the next
fight of the evening,
this one featuring
two undead icons.
Lady Vampire.
I dream of a glorious death,
but no monster is a match
for the eternal one.
The Mummy will be destroyed.
Lady Vampire has a lifetime record
that has spanned over six centuries,
dating back to the year 1381.
She's virtually immortal.
And an expert with XIV
century fisticuffs.
She's a cold-blooded
professional killer,
and I hope the Mummy is carrying
some garlic or holy water, Buzz,
'cause this is a bit of a mismatch.
Lady Vampire is a big favorite
going into this brawl.
The Mummy.
Although feeble and frail,
the Mummy presents an interesting
challenge to Lady Vampire.
As an Egyptian Pharaoh,
he must have undergone some form of
military training in his past life.
Regardless, we expect
to see a lifeless,
shuffling wraith in action tonight.
His bandages might be battered
and bedraggled,
and his skeletal interior
very vulnerable,
but mark my words, people.
We're dealing with a former
tyrant of ancient Egypt,
and he's gotta have a couple
of tricks up his sleeve.
It's time for the Undead Conference
Middleweight Division title match.
Introducing first, weighing
in at 127 pounds,
from the far outreaches of the
Carpathian Mountains in Transylvania,
the eternal champion of blood lust,
Lady Vampire!
And her opponent, from the
Valley of the Kings,
the Hexecutioner, the rotten
wraith of the ring,
the cursed, snake-bitten,
King Khafra, the Mummy!
I gotta say, I'm pulling for the
Vampire in this fight, Sid.
I'll be damned before
I cheer for a mummy.
I've hated mummies my whole life.
And taking a look at
these numbers, Buzz,
the fighters line up very
closely with one another,
both being ancient undead icons
with very similar vital stats.
Strap yourself in, Sasquatch Sid.
We're set for this unspeakable
undead ultimatum.
For the winner, the middleweight
Conference Championship.
For the vanquished,
a bitter harvest.
And we're in for some extreme
undead action here, Buzz.
Two ancient adversaries meeting
in bloody battle for
the first and only time.
And the combatants lock up
in the center of the ring.
She goes to town on
his battered torso,
delivering a torrent of kicks to
the frail frame of the Mummy.
And the Mummy with a retaliatory
And the Mummy starting
to show signs of life.
That was an aggressive body-slam
by the mangled monarch.
And he throws in a big kick
to the gut of Lady Vampire
for good measure.
Lady Vampire delivers
a right elbow,
followed by a big left hook,
and then another big right!
Glorious combo.
The Mummy is up to something
here, Buzz.
He's fumbling around
with his bandages.
And he throws a fistful of dust
into the eyes of the Nosferatu.
Watch out! The Mummy
locks Lady Vampire
into a merciless sleeper
hold submission.
How anyone could withstand that degree
of asphyxiation is beyond me.
It's lights out for Lady Vampire.
She's drifted into the darkness.
And the Mummy in prime position
to win this contest.
The Mummy now exits the ring area,
and is shuffling over towards
the wood crypt.
That filthy Mummy is
up to no good, Sid.
Keep in mind, Buzz, it
is very difficult
to kill something that's
already dead.
This is a risky delay by the Mummy.
And the Mummy has gone and
grabbed what looks like a wooden
stake from the crypt
and is making his way back
towards the ring.
And with no ref, all foreign
objects are fair game, Buzz.
A smart weapon of choice
on behalf of the Mummy.
We've underestimated this
rotting Pharaoh.
He must be trained in vampire-slaying
Back in the ring, the Mummy
stalks over Lady Vampire,
raising that stake
for the finisher.
Holy jumping Jesus, she awakens
in the nick of time!
She's revamped now, Sid, and on
the attack as she moves in
with a clothesline into
the turnbuckle.
And Lady Vampire lines him up
with a devastating bulldog,
face-planting the frazzled
Pharaoh into the mat.
How in God's name are those
bandages holding up, Sid?
Embalming is a fine art, Buzz.
He's been wrapped in that
crap for centuries.
And Lady Vampire slingshots
the Mummy into the corner.
The Mummy is reaching for
his medallion hanging on
the corner of the ring.
The former king appears to be holding
some type of ancient sun relic.
The Mummy deploys a blistering
sun curse technique
that scorches the face
of the Vampire.
A timely retaliation of twisted
alchemy from the Pharaoh.
And the action moves
into the cemetery
as Lady Vampire pursues her
opponent outside the ring.
And quick jab followed by
a push kick sends the Mummy
reeling to the ground.
Lady Vampire picks up a granite
tombstone, and look out!
She just hammered it over
the skull of the Mummy!
That must have weighed
200 pounds, Sid.
Some serious grindhouse action
happening over in the graveyard, Buzz.
I haven't seen a tombstone
smash in 25 years.
She picks up the weakened
corpse of the Mummy.
Lady Vampire has just ripped
the black heart
right out of the Mummy's body.
Lady Vampire wins.
Black heart removal.
That was phenomenal!
Did you see that, girls?
Of course you did.
Ladies and gentlemen, the winner
of the match is Lady Vampire!
Look at her preening to the world,
holding that black heart.
She wins the Undead Conference
Middleweight title,
and can return home triumphant,
and get back to killing
Gypsies in the night.
So long, Mummy. Back
to the grave you go.
Stay tuned, folks. We'll
be right back
with our first heavyweight
match of the evening.
You're watching Monster Brawl,
the ultimate fight of
the living dead.
Silver Springs, New Jersey.
Marshfield, Louisiana.
Over 10 % of the Earth's landmass
is covered by festering,
impenetrable marshlands.
The Mississippi Bayou.
Home to over 30,000 species
of wildlife.
This vast boggy wasteland
is also home to one of the most bizarre
and disgusting creatures
in the whole world.
The Louisiana Swamp Gut.
The undisputed king of all
reptilian bog-dwellers.
Swamp Gut is one with his
nebulous surroundings.
So toxic is his slime and venom,
that it changes the very composition
of the bayou atmosphere.
Humans are frequent casualties of
the harsh and cursed swampland,
and this Swamp Gut is not above
scavenging from a corpse.
Good friends are hard to find
these days for Swamp Gut.
Signs of the enemy are detected
and examined closely.
Fishing in these nefarious
waters is nearly suicidal.
Swamp Gut has developed a savage
combat technique for
such reckless adventurers.
Swamp Gut's deadly slime
attack is so toxic,
that it paralyzes the fisherman's
nervous system instantly.
This solitary creature may never
see another of his kind again.
Not only is his prey seasonal.
It's also very hard to find.
Only the most bumbling mammals, like
this unsuspecting canoeist,
dare to traverse such deadly
waterways of the world.
He is oblivious to the
approaching danger.
The hunt is on.
The canoeist doesn't stand a chance
against such a formidable opponent.
There are under ten Swamp
Guts left in the wild,
and that number is falling.
Like so many creatures, the
Guts have been pushed to the
very edge of extinction
by the destruction
of their habitat.
Creature Conference Heavyweight
Title Match.
Swamp Gut vs. Werewolf.
Welcome back to the program, folks.
He's Sasquatch Sid,
I'm Buzz Chambers,
and we're ready to set up the
next fight of the evening.
For this match we have our
first Heavyweight division
title up for grabs
coming from the Creatures
Swamp Gut! I know you've
been hearing it,
walking through the swamp with
that big gut of yours.
You must have been hearing it. All
the frogs have been saying it,
all the toads, all the creepy
crawlers have been saying it.
Here comes the Wolf.
The Werewolf was once a simple
man who was viciously mauled
by a rabid lobo and became infected
by the dreadful wolf bane.
Werewolf possesses incredible
speed and those keen
animal instincts.
He can take a ton of abuse,
and he'll be in turbo moonshine
mode tonight.
We're basically looking at
a tremendous athlete,
Weill-conditioned and powerful,
and Swamp Gut is gonna
have his hands full.
Swamp Gut.
Next up is the king of the bog,
the disgusting and repulsive marsh
demon known as Swamp Gut.
This gelatinous creature will
be out of his element for
the first time tonight.
Swamp Gut is a repugnant pariah
and odious glutton.
He is morbidly obese so he
must use that size and
power to his advantage,
to make up for the obvious drawback
of his massive gut.
He is also capable of stirring up
a bellyful of toxic swamp trash,
so Werewolf will wanna
avoid close quarters
or else risk getting slimed.
Now, over to Jimmy Hart to summon
these bastards out of the crypts.
Ladies and gentlemen, it's time
for the heavyweight battle
for the Monster Brawl
Creatures Conference.
Introducing first, weighing
in at 225 pounds,
the man in the moon, the howler,
the disemboweller, Werewolf!
And his opponent, weighing
in at 438 pounds,
the uncontested marshal
of the marsh,
Swamp Gut!
And a quick look at our tale
of the tape for this fight
reveals an interesting dichotomy.
Swamp Gut is obviously the older,
bigger and more experienced
of the two fighters,
and Werewolf comes in with a
relatively unknown record.
The fight is afoot, folks,
with our Creature Conference
Heavyweight Championship.
We'll soon find out who will be
representing the realm of Creatures
in the Monster Brawl finale.
Werewolf to the offensive in
the early-going, as he uses
a headlock like a vice
and showers down a torrent
of face shots.
And a reactionary elbow
from the man in moss.
And Werewolf runs into
a solid brick wall
as Swamp Gut easily
stands his ground
using that insurmountable gut
gravity to stay on his feet.
Swamp Gut with a heavy frog splash,
flattening Werewolf into a pancake.
He follows it up with a ruthless
knee to the head.
Werewolf has got to
be careful here.
He can't afford to exchange
big maneuvers like that
or he'll never survive.
Werewolf evades the giant
swamp creature,
trying to gain some ground.
Swamp Gut with a heavy right hook,
but Werewolf counters
with a great block.
Perfect timing by Werewolf.
And Swamp Gut hoarks up
some toxic marsh venom
into the face of Werewolf,
sending him to the mat.
And Werewolf trying to
throw some punches,
but Swamp Gut expertly defends
that big, fat belly of his.
That's definitely his weak
spot, and now Werewolf
gets a jab into the face
and the Gut is now exposed
for an open assault!
Werewolf goes to work
on the bread-basket,
dealing several hard jabs to
Swamp Gut's putrid paunch.
I haven't seen an abdomen
attack like this since King
Hippo back in '88.
Swamp Gut is hung up in the ropes
as Werewolf comes running at him
with a lethal shoulder spear.
And I don't believe it!
Swamp gut is down!
He's gotta throw everything
at this fat son of a bitch!
It's now or never!
And Werewolf pressing the
advantage now as he delivers
a kick to the face
of the glutinous Swamp Gut.
His wolf-sense is at an
all-time high, Buzz.
He needs to crush this
Gut once and for all!
Werewolf with a thunderous
uppercut to Swamp Gut,
and his bowels are churning, Sid.
He lets the air out of Swamp
Gut's spare tire,
and this is going to
get messy, Buzz.
Swamp Gut falls to the canvas mat,
and I don't think he's ever
gonna get up, Buzz.
Swamp Gut having serious
indigestion problems.
Werewolf climbs up to the top rope,
and letting that animal inside take
over as he howls into the night.
And a sky-high lunar assault
from Werewolf
explodes the belly of Swamp Gut.
We have just witnessed
the disgusting demise
of a truly legendary forest demon.
Werewolf wins.
Lunar Belly Buster.
Hey, and the winner
is the Werewolf!
Our first Heavyweight
match is in the books
as Werewolf is crowned
with the Creatures Conference
Heavyweight Title.
He'll move on to our championship
match later this evening
to face the Heavyweight winner
from the Undead Conference.
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.
Colonel Crookshanks, Sir!
As you were, Briggs.
I just got word from base, Sir.
They've reported us AWOL.
Don't worry about it, Lieutenant.
We stay the course, just
like we planned.
It's a culmination of what?
Sacrifice! Discipline! Yes, honor!
The dawn of a new weapon
is upon us.
This monster tournament, the
perfect testing ground.
Now, how about you and
I go take a look
at this magnificent son of a bitch?
This thing, a specimen
from the '69 outbreak?
Affirmative. The military's
worst kept secret.
I've been training this
bastard for ten years.
You know, the government
wants to shut it down.
They should have a hard-on
for this kind of stuff.
And the personnel? What
happened to them?
Who ran this place before
you got on board?
They were eaten.
So, how's our old friend doing?
He's in a foul mood, Sir.
He's starving. He's
always starving.
We're running out of bodies
to feed this thing.
Lieutenant, why in the hell
are you always so negative?
Colonel, we could be shot for this.
We're gonna get medals for this.
Morning, sunshine.
Briggs, go ahead. Unleash him.
Let's get an idea of what kind of
conditioning we've got going.
You're kidding me?
You think I'm kidding?
Go in there and let him loose,
or I'm gonna stick one
between your eyes.
I never signed up for
this, Colonel.
The ultimate killing machine.
The ultimate soldier.
Bent on death and destruction.
Briggs, this is our finest
hour, I swear to you.
Colonel, shoot him!
Shoot him!
Zombie Man.
Eat slow, my friend.
Briggs was a good man.
Ingolstadt, Germany.
From the journal of Dr. Ivo Igora.
November 5th. To examine
the causes of life,
we must first have
recourse to death.
I have become well-acquainted
with the science of anatomy.
I have also observed the natural
decay and corruption
of the human body.
In a solitary chamber, I kept my
workshop of filthy creation,
while I brought my work
near to a conclusion.
And the moon gazed on
my midnight labors
while I pursued nature
to her hiding places.
Who shall conceive the horrors
of my secret toil
as I dabbled among the unhallowed
damps of the grave?
I am not recording the
vision of a madman.
After days and nights of incredible
labor and fatigue,
I succeeded in discovering
the cause
of generation and life.
Nay, more.
I became myself capable
of bestowing animation
upon lifeless matter.
Undead Conference Heavyweight
Title Match.
Frankenstein vs. Zombie Man.
We're back, folks, and ready
for our next match-up
which is a ghastly showdown
of undead forces.
Our next fight features the seemingly
immortal corpse Frankenstein
versus the cannibalistic revenant
known as Zombie Man.
The winner of this fight will
proceed to the championship
main event against Werewolf.
Now, time to unearth some more dirt
on these two brain-dead savages.
Like one who on a lonely road,
doth walk in fear and dread.
And having once turned
round walks on,
and turns no more his head.
Because he knows a frightful fiend
doth close behind him tread.
Frankenstein has been reanimated
and deactivated several times
throughout his lengthy career.
He's waved goodbye to the
European fight scene,
and has brought his "A" game to North
America for the first time.
He's basically a bruising and
brawling sort of fighter
who relies heavily on 19th century
ogre battle systems.
Frankenstein can wield immense
power and strength,
and is essentially
a zombie himself,
albeit a bigger one and not blinded
by a desire for flesh.
And watch for his manager,
the ubiquitous Dr. Igora
to play a major role
in the proceedings.
Zombie Man.
Frankenstein, you stitched-up
I gotta question for you!
I got the ultimate killing
machine, Zombie Man!
What are you gonna do
when he defeats you,
eats you?
Zombie Man is a well-trained
grappler type of combatant,
relying on an arsenal of punches,
grabs, holds and bites.
This guy can take a lot of damage.
He is managed by the rogue soldier
Colonel Crookshanks,
who has transformed this
cannibalistic ghoul
into a one-man army.
Colonel Crookshanks has done a fabulous
job of training Zombie Man
and my understanding is that if
Zombie Man wins the Brawl,
we'll have a new type of soldier for
future wars around the world.
If he loses, just another
corpse added to the heap.
Add to this an insatiable
hunger for flesh,
and you have yourself one hell
of a killing machine.
Battling for the Undead
Conference title,
two horrendous champions
of the grave!
First up, fighting out
of the stone crypt,
is the undisputed grandmaster
of Gothic giants.
The reigning champion
of reanimation
and eternal damnation.
The undefeated legend of the fall,
And, Buzz, technically it's
Frankenstein's monster,
if you want to be a dick about it.
And now making his way
out to the ring,
hailing from Pittsburgh,
a blood-drunk, belligerent,
brain-eating bastard.
The deathless, non-perishable,
invincible and undying Zombie Man!
And a quick glance to see
how our monsters align,
illustrates a grim contrast here
as Frankenstein takes the cake
in mostly all categories.
Zombie Man is no slouch himself,
and he reminds me of a younger,
healthier Sasquatch Sid Tucker.
Both fighters getting ready
inside the ring,
and you can just feel the
tension rising here at the
Necropolis tonight.
Frankenstein and Zombie collide
in the middle of the ring.
The big man corrals Zombie into the
corner and goes to work right away.
Frankenstein executes
a superb clothesline,
sending the godforsaken Zombie
to the canvas mat.
Incredible move, Buzz.
I concur, Sidney.
And Zombie Man in serious
danger now, Buzz.
This fight could be over.
And keep in mind these fighters
have already died
once in their lifetime,
but this time, there will
be no reanimation.
All the chips are on the table.
And what a tolerance for pain.
Folks, he just won't stay down.
Zombie Man is incredibly resilient.
Frankenstein, better
try a new strategy.
And Frankenstein manager Doc Igora
is getting a little impatient
with his monster.
Crush his head, you imbecile.
His head!
Well, he's right, Buzz. You
can't stop the Zombie
without dealing it some massive
trauma to the head.
Frankenstein puts Zombie into
a powerful stranglehold.
Come on!
Zombie Man with a double ear-slap
sends Frankenstein reeling
to the center of the ring.
A timely counterattack
by the Zombie
as he finds new life.
And Zombie Man bites the
arm of Frankenstein,
gnawing some of that rotten flesh.
And no concern that Frankenstein
will turn into a zombie.
He's already technically
dead, people.
Get up! Come on, get up!
And Zombie Man doing his best
to try and knock down the
all-powerful Frankenstein.
His only path to victory
is toppling the giant
and getting him off his feet.
And nothing seems to move this
over-sized corpse, Sid,
as Zombie Man throws everything but
the kitchen sink at Frankenstein.
And Zombie Man unleashes a
barrage of blows to the mid-section
of the big man.
And spank me cross-eyed, Sid.
Doctor Igora enters the ring
and he hits Zombie Man
in the back of the head
with a pipe wrench, sending the
blood-thirsty bastard to the ground.
And the Colonel is
hopping mad, Buzz.
That was an unfair foreign object
by the weasel manager Doc Igora.
And wait a minute, folks!
Colonel Crookshanks with a hatchet
to the back of the Doctor,
and he goes down at the
side of the ring.
Buzz, that was a mistake
by the Colonel.
He's triggered a force more powerful
than he can imagine.
Look at the rage in Frankenstein's
And he's friggin' pissed, folks!
Frankenstein systematically
destroys Zombie Man
with a deluge of blows.
Who is this indestructible Zombie?
I've never seen someone withstand
such an ass-kicking!
Zombie Man knocked out of the ring.
Now we're in for some
graveyard action!
Frankenstein with a
choke-hold move,
lifting Zombie Man off his feet and
slamming him hard to the ground.
What a crippling move, Buzz.
And cover your eyes, Sid!
Frankenstein has squashed
Zombie Man's head
with a brutal foot stomp.
Zombie Man is done!
Frankenstein wins.
Brain-crushing foot stomp.
You know that was an
unbelievable match.
Frankenstein has done it again!
Hey, and the winner of the
match is Frankenstein!
And there appears to
be some commotion
going on at the back of
the graveyard, Sid.
There's trouble a brewing
near the old hill, Buzz.
I told you to mind
your own business.
The soil is cursed, boy. Something
evil has been unearthed.
You're all doomed.
For the Love of God. The dead
are rising from their graves,
answering the call of distress from
Zombie Man's untimely death.
Unbelievable, ladies and gentlemen!
In death, Zombie Man has summoned
an army of undead
united against Frankenstein.
Holy crap, Buzz! This is insanity!
Wait a minute, girls, here comes the
zombies! Every man for himself.
For the first time in the history
of professional sports, folks,
we are witnessing the living dead
rising from their graves
to confront Frankenstein.
Now, we've seen tag-teams
before, Buzz.
But six on one is unheard of.
And Frankenstein escapes
the graveyard,
and runs for cover into the crypt.
No sense for him to
stick around, Sid.
He's got another fight
ahead of him.
And now the Colonel goes down
at the side of the ring.
These zombies are out of control.
And we may be next, Sidney.
Don't worry about it,
Buzz. I'm packing!
I'll take care of you.
Sweet potato fries!
Good work there, Sid.
That doesn't look very
good, Sidney.
Just a scratch, Buzz.
Just a scratch.
Doesn't look so good.
And we're back on the air
in the announcer's booth,
and I regret to inform
you that Sasquatch Sid
has sustained a minor injury
to his hands, folks.
That's correct. I had a
tussle with a zombie
and suffered a small bite wound.
But I put a little alcohol
on it and I feel fine.
Really I do.
Now, let's get back to the fights.
Yes, and we'll keep an eye on
Sid as the evening advances.
Monster Brawl Heavyweight
Championship Match.
Frankenstein vs. Werewolf.
So, what makes me think
I have a chance in Hell
of beating Frankenstein?
It is true
that I am a wretch.
I have murdered the lovely
and the helpless.
It was a monster that took my wife.
It was a monster that
took my child.
It was a monster that
took my life away,
so I guess you could say I don't
like monsters very much!
I have strangled
the innocent as they slept.
I don't care if they're zombies,
I don't care if they're vampires.
Hell, you saw what I
did to Swamp Gut!
My reign
is not yet over.
So, Frankenstein, you can come
at me with your big, dumb,
stitched-up face and your
"roar-roar-roar Father."
And it ain't gonna do a damn thing.
Come on,
my enemy.
We have yet to wrestle
for our lives.
So, after four explosive
and gory fights,
we've reached the moment we've
all been waiting for.
The final main event featuring
Frankenstein from the Undead realm
pitted against Werewolf,
the torchbearer of all
evil creatures.
That's right, Buzz.
Bookies in Vegas were
paying 200 to 1 odds
on Werewolf from the outset.
To see him
claw his way into the finals
is nothing short of miraculous.
As for Frankenstein he is
after all,
the most legendary monster
of all time,
so no surprise that he would
capture the flag for
the Undead world.
And now Let's turn the reins over to
the Lord of the ring, Jimmy Hart!
The time has come for our main
event of the evening.
The supreme and undisputed heavyweight
monster championship
is at stake tonight. Ladies and
gentlemen, friends and fiends,
introducing first the undefeated
king of the Undead Conference.
The eternal green giant.
The electrifying, the
the indestructible demon
Strap yourself into the
electric chair, people.
This is gonna get crazy here
at the Hillside Necropolis
as Frankenstein faces
down the Werewolf
in a legendary showdown
for monster supremacy.
And the stats are just staggering
for Frankenstein, Buzz.
Over 450 pounds.
Biceps are 30 inches.
Thighs 40 inches.
Have you ever seen a bigger
combatant in the history
of professional sports?
And his opponent, fighting
out of the wood crypt,
the crusader of all evil creatures
from across the globe.
The beast of sacred
lore, Canus Lupus,
the lunar death-dealer Werewolf!
And look at the menacing way both
monsters are staring at each other.
The Werewolf beaming
with unbridled rage
as he sizes up the big man.
And Werewolf makes the first move
as he whips off the rope
for a take-down, but Frankenstein
doesn't even flinch, Sid.
And now he tries to
land a few blows,
but Frankenstein is virtually
immune to this stuff.
It's child's play to him, Buzz.
And now Frankenstein retaliates
and throws the Werewolf
into the corner.
And somebody better call
the Humane Society.
Because we're witnessing extreme
animal abuse here tonight.
Couple of big blows
from Frankenstein
and he is pummeling Werewolf.
And a big slam by Frankenstein
sends the Werewolf crashing
to the canvas mat.
Look out! Frankenstein comes
down hard on Werewolf.
Werewolf has done the
impossible, folks.
Frankenstein is down and out.
Werewolf performs a doomsday
figure four leg lock.
And now Frankenstein breaks
free from the hold.
And now he gets in a couple
of mammoth hooks to the cobbled
frame of Frankenstein
and lands a heavy punch
to the face.
Now he's using his brains, Buzz.
That's right, Sid.
Smart defensive prowess on
behalf of the Werewolf.
And now the Werewolf attempting
a bodyslam of Frankenstein.
And this is a gamble folks.
Oh, no! Frankenstein
is just too heavy,
and now the Werewolf
is paying the price
as nearly a half a cubic ton comes
crashing on top of him.
I'm getting awfully hungry, Buzz.
Okay, Sid. We'll be going to
the rippers after the show
just like we planned.
Frankenstein using those gigantic
hands like a python
squeezing its prey.
And we can literally hear the bones
of the Werewolf being pulverized
under that heavy pressure.
The Werewolf is out cold, folks.
He is dead!
Frankenstein is now the Monster
Brawl Heavyweight Champion.
Can you believe it, Sid?
Can you believe it, Sid?
Sasquatch Sid has gone
silent, folks.
Welcome back, folks.
I'm Buzz Chambers,
and we are back on the air again
here at Monster Brawl.
Ladies and gentlemen, it is with a
heavy heart that I must inform you
that former champion Sasquatch Sid
has been destroyed like
a mongrel dog.
He is survived by his
13 kids, 5 ex-wives.
He was 58 years old.
And now, back to the action.
Girls, there's a storm coming.
This doesn't look good.
We gotta get to higher ground. Come
on, Let's get out of here.
Come on, get out of
here. Quick, quick!
And ladies and gentlemen, we have
a storm brewing in the distance,
as Central Michigan is under a
severe electrical storm alert.
And things are getting sinister here
at the Hillside Necropolis.
Frankenstein parading around the
ring with the championship belt.
But wait a moment, folks.
Wait a moment. Werewolf
is getting up.
The Werewolf refuses
to be put to sleep
as he miraculously stands up now
and hits Frankenstein in the back
catching the big man off guard.
And Werewolf to the offensive now,
dealing Frankenstein a series
of mortal blows.
Frankenstein smokes Werewolf
with a gargantuan uppercut, sending
him flying to the ground.
And Frankenstein removes
one of those heavy stone
columns from the crypt,
and swings it like a baseball bat.
One blow from that column, folks,
and this fight would be over.
Werewolf with a quick dodge
and he runs in with a kick,
knocking the column away
from Frankenstein.
And the Werewolf is
in full control.
Werewolf picks up a tombstone
and smashes it over Frankenstein,
who crumples to the ground.
And now he grabs another one
and delivers a second
unforgiving blow.
And a third one! Frankenstein
is done for, folks,
as the Werewolf gets in three
unanswered tombstone blasts.
And Frankenstein is
down for the count.
We could be looking at the first
ever Monster Brawl champion.
Werewolf howling to the moon.
But wait. Frankenstein
somehow rises up once more
and the Werewolf is oblivious.
Frankenstein takes Werewolf down,
and they resume their
graveyard tussle.
And he's prying at his head, folks.
He is prying at his--Oh, my lord!
Frankenstein rips the head right
off the stunned creature
and the Werewolf is no more.
Frankenstein wins.
Head splitter.
Frankenstein with a death-dealing
And ladies and gentlemen, Frankenstein
has won the Brawl.
We have a new champion!
Frankenstein emerges victorious
after a bruising battle
with the surprisingly
resilient Werewolf.
But wait a minute.
Something is going on over
by the wood crypt.
Perhaps a secret fighter to challenge
Frankenstein's reign.
And the Colonel
is making a comeback, folks.
I don't believe it.
Colonel Crookshanks is back
from beyond the grave
to confront his mortal
nemesis Frankenstein
in a clash for the ages.
Oh, don't nail that coffin
closed, yet, folks.
We have another brawl going
down here at the cemetery.
He throws the Monster Brawl
belt to the ground
and steps on it,
in an act of complete disrespect
towards the champ.
Don't turn that channel, folks.
This is going to get nasty!
Of course I'm excited. I feel like an
elephant is sitting on my tongue.
Let me tell you this right now.
I've been in Madison Square
Garden, sold-out crowd.
I've been all over the world, main
event. Hall of Fame ring.
But this is the most excitement
I've had in so long. Of course!
Oh, my favorite monsters? We had
Frankenstein there, Cyclops was there,
Witch Bitch was--
Zombies? Oh, please,
give me a break.
I can't stand zombies. Let me--huh?
You know what? I was telling
my friend on the phone
that you're awesome zombie--
Please call 911!