Mystery Date (1991) Movie Script
- Hello?
- Craig? I saw her again.
At the beach this time.
- Who?
- Her.
- Her?
- Her her.
Oh, the mystery girl. So
you followed her to the beach?
No. She just appeared.
looked over and there she was
On her upper lip, there was
this tiny bead of sweat.
It was her only flaw
and I loved her for it.
All right. Now what did you do?
How did you, Tom McHugh,
take control of the situation?
How did you seize the
moment and make it yours?
- I waited.
- you waited? For what?
For the perfect moment.
For the moment our eyes would meet
and she'd smile at me and there'd be a flash
of unspoken understanding between us.
I was waiting for fate.
Tell me something, pal.
How long does all this take?
Hey, don't rush me.
When the moment's right, I'll know.
It'll happen. It'll happen.
- Did the landscaper come?
- On Wednesday.
- Dr Lunsky, Mrs Lunsky.
- Craig, I thought you were in law school.
Tom. Craig's winsome younger brother.
- you win some, you lose some!
- Remind me never to let you operate on me.
# If you need a Little lovin'#
Suzette, this is my son Tom.
Hi, Tom.
Tom's going to Yale
to study Business.
Or I might join the merchant
marines. I haven't decided.
# Oh I'll be right here at home
# All you gotta do Is pick
up your telephone and dial#
I say, take a couple of years,
figure out what to do with your life.
Yeah, a young man should follow
his heart wherever it takes him.
Don't let us old coots
dictate what you should do.
Of course, as an employer, I have
a bias against hiring slack-offs.
# Yeah
4-5-7-8-9
# Call me on the telephone
3-4-5-7-8-9
3-4-5
As you all know, by
this time tomorrow,
Betty and I will be in Connecticut along
with a very special member of our family.
For four years, he has competed
amongst the very best of the nation and
each time, he's come home a champion.
I know how grateful he is
for your generous support,
but I think he could say it more eloquently
than I, so what do you say, champ?
# For he's a jolly good schnauzer
# For he's a jolly good schnauzer
# For he's a jolly good schnauzer#
# Which nobody can deny
# Which nobody can deny... #
# Only child know#
Saratoga Longshot?
# But we're never
gonna survive unless#
There must be a way to
find out more about her.
# No we're never gonna survive unless
# We are a Little
# Crazy#
Hello?
Hi, Mom.
No, no, I canceled.
I know he's a doctor,
but he's still boring.
Then you go out with him.
I'd rather be by myself.
Hang on a second, I
heard something outside.
Tom, there's a couple of frozen pizzas
in the icebox downstairs
and a fresh case of Bock beer.
- Keep your damn hands off it.
- Yes, sir.
And don't forget about that
list of chores we agreed on.
Please, get yourself a nice haircut.
- See you guys when you get back.
- you bet.
Buckle up, hon.
Aren't you forgetting something?
Mom, I'm not gonna kiss the dog.
Goodbye, dear.
"Clean your room,
hang out the clothes,
mow the lawn... "
- Craig.
- Hey, buddy!
I thought you were in California.
Well, I decided to fly
up and surprise you.
No kidding. We haven't
seen you in ages.
- you know Mom and Dad took off?
- Yeah. When are they coming back?
- Monday night.
- Terrific.
This is beautiful.
1959 DeSoto Firesweep.
See the way it leans into the
wind. That's the "forward look".
When this baby came out, the
ad said, "Suddenly, it's 1960."
Wanna take it for a spin?
- Can I?
- No. but you can pull it into the garage.
It's a push-button transmission.
D for drive, R for reverse.
Where's the P?
No Park. Parking brake.
- How did you get it here if you just flew in?
- What?
How did you get the
car here from California?
Chris Keslin drove it up during
spring break. Grab that bag.
Any beer inside? you look
like you could use one.
- Yeah, but Dad said...
- "Hands off it!" Forget it. Tell him I drank it.
It's good to see you, Craig.
I see you've been putting
my telescope to good use.
Tom, Tom!
Is the telescope inadvertently
pointing at something interesting?
Is this the one you told me
about? Your new girlfriend?
I'm working on that.
Tommy, come here. Come here.
I want you to look through
this telescope. Go ahead.
It's pointing at a
beautiful woman. Why?
Because you pointed it there, huh?
Not Mom, not Dad, not
anybody else but you.
you know what you want. The hard
part is over. Do something about it.
- I haven't even spoken to her!
- That's all right.
That's all right.
What do you know about this girl?
She's house-sitting
for some new neighbors.
She reads mystery novels.
She doesn't seem to have a boyfriend.
Oh, Tom, she's waiting for you.
Fine, I'll go over and say,
"Hi, I'm Tom. you don't know me,
but I've been spying on you
for a couple of months
and I find you very attractive
in a very hormonal way. "
Then she'll slap me silly.
There are worse things than getting
slapped by a beautiful woman.
- Got her phone number?
- I don't even know her name!
but you've got her garbage, right?
She's got a couple of Gourmet
Lites. Couscous, grapefruit rinds.
you've got to get
this girl some food.
Hello!
Tom, meet Geena Mathews.
In July, Geena bought S85-worth
of lingerie at Nordstrom.
Very nice. Do you like lingerie, Tommy?
I've really only read about it.
Let's see. She reads mystery
novels to escape, right?
She dreams of faraway, exotic places.
She's into surrealism.
She's trapped, Tom.
- Bingo.
- She plays bingo?
Phone bill. Now we have her phone
number. Let's go rescue her.
Craig...
- No, I can't do this!
- Be yourself.
- I can't.
- Then be me.
No.
Hello?
Hello?
Hello. Geena? Is this Geena Matthews?
Hi. My name is Tom.
No, no. Tom McHugh.
That's because we've never met.
I'm a neighbour. I live on Sunnydale.
I don't name the streets,
just live on them.
Listen, I keep seeing
you everywhere I go.
First it was at
Nordstrom, then the beach.
Then at that Dali exhibit
over at the museum.
I had to call to ask you to please stop
following me around. People are starting to talk.
Oh, you know, us.
Listen, Geena, to be
totally honest with you,
I'm trying my hardest
to ask you out.
It's gonna be a beautiful night.
It's gonna be one of those hot, tropical
nights where anything could happen.
I fly back to California tomorrow.
Listen, what about this? What
if I come to your house at 07.30?
If you don't open the door, I'll
leave, promise. What do you say?
Great. Bye.
- We're in.
- I'm not doing this. Call back!
- you just have to show up!
- What if I blow it? This is too spontaneous.
- I need more time.
- Tiger, tiger, come on. Relax.
Trust me, you'll be ready.
I want you to remember what Lord Olivier
said about acting, "The key is sincerity. "
Once you can fake that,
the rest is easy.
George Burns said that.
OK, I want you to clean it up.
but not too severe.
Think... Robert Mitchum.
N Out Of he Past
So basically, exactly
like yours. Right?
Yeah.
Craig, listen, first
dates don't work for me.
I hurry my jokes, I have car trouble.
Once I took a bite of pizza, the
hot stuff slid off and burnt me.
Tommy, you're trying too hard.
Let her do the work, huh?
What do women like to do more
than anything in the world?
Buy shoes?
Talk. They talk. So you listen.
That is the most
important thing about women.
They like it when you treat 'em shitty and when you treat 'em well
- they just want your attention.
Does it matter that
I have 20-20 vision?
- I don't need glasses!
- Hey, neither do I.
If women say they like mature guys,
it means they like men in glasses.
It's the only difference.
The only problem with glasses is
they fly off when a woman slaps you.
Don't flinch, take it like
a man. Come off it smiling.
- I don't usually get slapped.
- Really?
Happens to me all the time.
Come on.
A limo? No way am I showing
up in a stupid limo!
Your convertible would be perfect.
I promise I'll be extra careful.
you're right. It would be very cool.
but I can't. Really, Tom, it's
been giving me trouble lately.
The top stick s, the
exhaust system...
Why risk it, huh? I was
hoping to borrow your car.
- My car? - Yeah, visit
some of my old hang-outs.
Everything at Kory's is terrific.
Except for the wine list.
Just wave your hand and say, "A
bottle of your best Champagne. "
"A bottle of your best Champagne?"
How am I supposed to afford Champagne?
This is brand new.
Sign my name so the
signatures match.
And I will give you some
extra cash for tipping.
Always tip well.
but only when your date is watching.
Hi. I have a flower delivery
for a Mr, uh... McHugh.
you're 20 minutes late... Dwight.
I'm sorry, sir. I
misjudged the ride over.
I usually take a different route.
That is a beautiful car.
Don't make excuses on my time.
I have an important date planned this
evening and you've fucked it up.
Oh, wow. I said I was sorry.
Well, there goes your tip, Dwight.
There goes my tip?
I hope you enjoy the flowers.
Craig?
This is insane.
What if she hates me, or
laughs at me? Or pulls a knife?
- Pulls a knife? -
Worst-case scenario.
Roe ax
Stick to the plan.
Everything will be fine.
Remember, no woman wants to hear,
"What do you want to do?"
you have reservations and
directions. Everything's taken care of.
- you need to wear this jacket.
- you think so?
Yep.
Oh, no, oh, no. Don't do this to me.
I'm sorry, man! I'm really late.
Hey, come back here!
This is inspiring.
you look almost like me.
It's perverse.
I gotta get going.
My wallet's in here, all right? Hold onto
that. There's cash in there and my ID.
- Isn't phoney ID against the law?
- Don't let the law stand in the way of fun.
you're gonna make a
great lawyer, Craig.
And you're a good brother.
- Yes?
- Mr McHugh?
About that limousine you ordered...
There's been an accident. We can
get you another in a few hours.
No, tonight's a special occasion.
Of course, otherwise you
would have rented a Chevette.
I'm picking her up in a few minutes!
Now what am I supposed to do?
# No one can take this away from me
# The martyrs and madmen
I learned that in school
# Will remember my name
# Some things are never the same
McHugh. Tom McHugh right here.
Hi.
- You're Tom?
- I'm Tom.
These are flowers. They're for you.
- I'll put them in some water.
- Just the bottom part.
Listen, Thanks for the
flowers, they're great.
Um... but I wanna ask
you a few questions.
Right, of course. I understand.
Tell me the name of the
last novel you read.
Novel?
Yeah, a story book without pictures.
Oh, right, uh...
It's just that it was...
It was this mystery
novel, Saratoga Longshot
Are you kidding? I just read that.
Really?
OK... what's the capital of Paraguay?
Uruguay?
No, it's Asuncion. but
nobody ever gets that.
Um... any personal heroes?
...?
I always looked up to
my older brother Craig.
but that's kinda stupid.
Really?
that's so sweet
Most guys say Michael Jordan.
Wait, I'm sitting on something.
- This is a cool car.
- Thanks.
It's funny what some
guys think is impressive.
- One date showed up in a limo.
- you're kidding?
I just think this
is more interesting.
- It's a 1959, uh, DeSoto.
- DeSoto?
Yeah.
# Doo-do-do
doo-do-do
# Do-do
do-do
# Doo-do-do
do-do do-dooo
# Do-do-do
doo-do-do
Do-do-do
# Doo-do-do
doo-do-do
# Do-do
do-dooo
# You're so fine lose my mind
# And the world seems to disappear
# All the problems all the fears
Um, by the way, where are we going?
It's just up ahead here.
I'm pretty sure, uh...
it's a place called Kory's
# Do-doo
# Do-do-do
doo-do-do
Do-do-do
# Do-do do-do
do-do-do-do
# Say you're mine
# And give yourself to
the feelings that you know
# I'm needing all that you can give me
# All the things that you do so well
Wow! How did you find this place?
I don't know. you just
hear about places and then...
you go there.
So...
uhm...
I forgot what I was going to say.
It was something really enchanting.
Tom? Maybe we should skip this
first-impression thing. What do you say?
Great idea. I've always thought fourth
impressions were the most important.
First dates, people try so
hard, they can't be themselves.
Yeah, I know.
It's almost deceptive really.
I mean, we spend hours making
ourselves look completely different,
then we go to some dark place
and can't see each other.
We drink, so we don't know if
the person is interesting,
or seems interesting because they're pretending
to be interested in who we're pretending to be.
Right.
So I guess there's
no getting around it.
- We're gonna have to lie to each other.
- Lie to each other?
Until we get to know one another.
OK. Two Cabana Coolers.
I'll put that on your tab.
- Tab?
- Yeah.
My tab O K
Thank you.
I've wet myself and you'll wanna
call my mother to take me home.
Tom, it's all right. If this is the worst
thing that happens all night, we'll live.
I'm gonna be right back.
- Hi. Stella?
- Hi.
Do you have a towel?
Well. I see the old McHugh charm
is overflowing this evening.
- Stella!
- Ah, duty calls. I live to serve.
- That wasn't Craig McHugh, was it?
- Get in line, honey.
It's his car, no mistake.
I'm gonna check it out.
- How are you this evening?
- Beautiful car.
Thank you.
Shit!
- So the rat returns to his hole.
- Do we know each other?
I wasn't that drunk!
How you can live with
yourself, Craig McHugh!
I don't... I'm not...
Hey, Mr Romeo, I hate dick s like you.
- What did he do?
- Forget it. His karma will catch up with him.
She's right. When it
does, it'll kick my ass.
Hi. Do you like your drink?
- Yeah, it's kind of...
- Could you tell me in the car?
What's the big hurry?
Um, I ran into some
old school buddies.
- They'll bung us all night if we hang around.
- Hey, you clown!
I thought that was a great place.
Yeah, yeah.
- Do you mind if we go someplace else?
- No, it's fine.
Leave the girl here!
These guys, they're... kook s.
Interesting friends.
Well, you know,
they're just jealous.
I mean, here I am out with a
beautiful Pulitzer Prize winner.
Come on, Tom, enough lies, OK?
Absolutely. No more lies.
What happened to your face? It's red.
Oh... Oh, that. It's, uhm...
It's an allergic reaction
to pineapple juice.
Uh-oh. Are those
your buddies again?
No. He's from the flower
shop near my house.
- Did you screw her yet?
- What?
Get her drunk with my tip money?
- What did he say?
- I didn't catch him.
Here!
Bang her with these!
I still can't hear him.
Hey, lady! I hope you
don't expect a tip.
Argh!
He was kinda funny, wasn't he?
you're so romantic. Or do you
throw flowers at all your dates?
No.
I can't wait to see what
you throw at me next.
I'll be right back.
Excuse me?
Is there a washroom?
Nice form.
- Hey, nice car.
- Oh, Thanks.
58? No, 59 DeSoto firesweep
- Wow. you look great with it too.
- Thanks.
- Could you do something for me?
- What's that?
Just kinda mean-lean
against it there?
- What, like this?
- Yeah. Yeah, that's great.
put the other hand right there.
- What, like this?
- Perfect!
Don't move an inch. I'm Detective Condon and
I am your arresting officer this evening.
- Is this a joke?
- The joke is over, son.
So you're Craig McHugh, huh?
No, I'm not. He's my brother.
Your evil twin brother, right?
No, he's older. An older evil...
My brother is practically a lawyer, OK?
you may need one.
That you, Sharpie? It's Condon.
- Did somebody say "condom"?
- Go ahead, make jokes.
I got him. I got McHugh.
I said to wait for
backup. What's with you?
He's not armed. He's
practically crying.
I want you to wait
there. We're on our way.
OK, McHugh, it's time
to hand over the flowerpot.
- I got flowers...
- I want it now. I've got no time for this crap.
you took the vase.
Where is it? The trunk?
you look in the trunk, take whatever
you want. you got the jack...
Hello?
Sir?
Oh, oh...
Come on, come on.
Hi. Is everything all right?
you look kinda pale. Are you sure
you're OK?
Oh, yeah, I'm fine.
Oh, good. Cos I'm having a great time.
you are?
Yeah.
I hate to cut our date short. but
you're going to California tomorrow, right?
Yeah, right. you see,
it's just that...
I'm a little worried
about... about my car.
I'm having some car trouble.
I'll go pay, OK?
Did you forget something?
No, it's OK
- I got it.
- Can I help?
Um...
I had a nosebleed.
That's disgusting!
Keep the change.
Do you have a payphone?
On the wall.
- Hi, I'm Richard.
- I'm Betty.
And that was Napoleon
We're not home, but leave your name and
number and we'll call you back soon.
Craig, are you there?
Pick up the phone!
Aw, shit!
Listen, I had to borrow your
car. Limo didn't show up.
All hell's breaking loose.
I have two dead bodies in the trunk.
I think I should call the police, but I can't
because one of them, I accidentally killed.
I've been slapped, I've been threatened
by goons, attacked by a freaking' florist.
We haven't even ordered appetizers.
you said something
about old hang-outs.
Meet me at a place called Club
Voltaire, if you're not already there.
All right, see you there. Bye.
The flowers were great.
Wonder what's next.
Next?
Uh... it's another surprise.
Hey! Hey, you shit!
Bastard.
Hey. Nah...
Six months ago, I thought
this place was too yuppie.
you know what we do with cop killers in this state, flower boy? yeah?
the lucky ones never see the chair!
you don't look lucky to me!
I never saw McHugh until he
stiffed me for the flowers.
And then... he tried
to run me off the road.
- It's the truth!
- Sharpie!
- What?
- I found the kid's boss.
- I guess his story check s out.
- Are you sure?
I got the address where
he made the delivery.
Jesus, poor Al never had a chance.
Let's go get that cop killer.
- Geena, I'm sorry. I thought my brother might...
- This is incredible!
I thought we were gonna get killed.
The night is still young.
Bottle of your best Champagne.
- Anything else?
- That'll be fine.
A couple of Gourmet Lites, couscous...
a bunch of grapefruit rinds.
Don't these people eat anything?
Sir? The search
warrant you asked for.
Good boy.
Victor? Listen to this.
- What have you got?
- Listen to this.
I have two dead bodies in the trunk.
I should call the police, but I can't
because one of them I accidentally killed.
- If that isn't a confession, what the hell is?
- There's more.
you said something
about old hang-outs.
Club Voltaire, I'm going to a place
called Club Voltaire. Meet me there, OK?
Two dead bodies?
that voice was creepy
Not an ounce of remorse
- Anything else, Mr McHugh?
- No, thanks.
Craig McHugh?
Why? Do I know you? No
but you know my sister.
- I don't even look like my brother.
- Yeah, you do.
you dress like him too. I thought
you stole this credit card.
you know my brother?
Have you seen him?
Upstairs.
Chinese guy.
- Tom?
- Your boyfriend says he'll be right back.
Why? Where did he go?
Upstairs.
To find his brother.
Thanks.
Hello? Hello?
Craig?
If you'd like to make a
call, please try again.
For help, dial the operator.
McHugh.
Tom?
Tom, is that you?
Uh... uh... no.
Are you OK?
Don't... don't come in!
It's a real mess in here.
- Um...
- What is going on?
I'm coming in, Tom.
No, no! Hold on.
Tom?
What is this place? What's going on?
Are you hungry? Let's
get some Chinese food.
Nervous? I don't think
I'm acting nervous.
you're acting like you have rabies.
Why did you disappear like
that? I mean, that's pretty rude.
you're right. you're
right. I'm sorry.
I thought my brother was upstairs,
so I went up there, but he wasn't.
Maybe I want to meet your
brother. He's your hero, right?
- Under the circumstances, that's a bad idea.
- What circumstances, Tom?
Circumstances beyond my control.
What does that mean? I don't
understand what that means.
Geena, I know this is
just another night to you,
but it's really
important to me, all right?
Tom, you're a really nice guy...
Nice, nice. Right. I'm afraid
that's my one and only quality.
- That's not true. you have other qualities.
- I do?
Yeah. you're spontaneous.
And you're sincere.
- And you've got great taste.
- That's not me, it's somebody else.
I'm just doing that so you won't
ditch me. Besides, you forgot "funny".
I mean, I am funny, right?
Yes, you are funny.
Excuse me?
Is this your vehicle?
Uh, yes. Yes, it is. Is
there a problem, Officer?
Yeah.
you're missing a tyre.
Give me the keys, I'll
help with the spare.
No, no, no!
No, uh...
- Wow.
- you can't leave anything around here.
Uh, well...
Why don't you watch this...?
I'm gonna go get the spare.
These old jack s get wiggly.
That's a leaky flare.
I'll get this one.
you close that trunk.
Have a nice night.
Stop!
Come here.
I caught you just in
time. Take a look at this.
It's oil, huh?
No.
That ain't oil.
I'd say that was
transmission fluid.
When it gets all red and sticky,
it's time to have it changed.
OK, I'll change it.
- How about some music? Something relaxing?
- Yeah.
- Tom, they took your tapes.
- My tapes?
Well, this is relaxing, huh?
Driving in eerie silence.
- What was that? Is that a car phone?
- Uh, no, no.
- It sounds like it's coming from the trunk.
- It's...
It's a trunk car phone.
One of these jobbies
you put in the trunk
then it doesn't bother
you while you're driving.
Don't you think you should answer it?
Yeah, I should.
Craig McHugh was here with a date.
He kills a cop, then goes
out and celebrates? What next?
Sir? There's a dead
Chinese man upstairs.
McHugh was the last
person to see him alive.
This guy is over the edge.
He's a psycho. Who would steal from
the head of the Chinese Tong mafia?
There sure aren't many
Chinese people around.
I guess it gets touristy
on Saturday nights.
The Chinese are probably
inside making a living.
Look at this place!
We should go in here.
All right. you go in. I'll ask
someone to recommend where to eat.
- OK.
- All right?
Oh, no, no customer use.
I wanted to see you.
No, no, no, no! you go away.
Go to Happy Moon piano bar.
Find nice boy there.
Nice young man there.
Oh. No, no.
My shirt, my shirt. I need
to know what my shirt says.
Oh... It's backwards.
"Look in pot. "
No, no. "Look in pot" is
an old Chinese proverb.
- An old proverb?
- Yeah.
It's about a young man. Very poor.
but he inherits a
pot from his uncle.
Oh, it's very beautiful.
He take pot, he shows it to
neighbour. "Look, look, how beautiful!"
He shines it up, he
puts it up on shelf.
He never look s inside.
See, he never realizes
inside it's full of gold.
So he starved, never
knowing he is so rich.
you'd have thought it would have
jingled around when he moved it.
Proverb! Always look inside a beauty.
Pot is only as good as
what is inside of it.
See?
Thank you.
An adventure is in the air.
Like a wind from a faraway place.
Fortunes made and lost. Men in
the wrong place at the wrong time.
Lives changing... all because
your loins led you out tonight.
It was not my loins.
I was curious.
In women, curiosity is an urge
that springs from the loins.
Oh, but not in men?
In men, everything is an urge
that springs from the loins.
- Geena.
- Ah. Speaking of the devil...
This is the one who needs his fortune
told. Tell me his deepest, darkest secrets.
young man, you are an impostor!
Uh...
Look at the time! We gotta go.
- How munch do we owe you?
- Sit down.
- It's free.
- Take 20. Keep the change.
Beware. Beware of your false self!
Who knows when I would
have found out about you?
Geena, there's something
I've got to tell you.
Mr McHugh, your table is waiting.
We're really not that hungry.
Mr Lew would like you to
be his guests for dinner.
Well, we could eat.
While officials will not call it
a murder spree, two men are dead.
McHugh is believed to be
armed and very dangerous.
Thanks.
Boy, am I starving!
We need to get out of here.
Why? you don't like this place?
A bottle of your best...
...Champagne.
Compliments of Mr Lew.
I'd like to propose a toast.
It's not really a toast, I...
Would you promise me another
chance if I blow it tonight?
you're doing fine.
- So how do you know Mr Lew?
- I don't.
This is a misunderstanding.
He knows my brother. And
I don't think he likes him.
And you know how when you don't like
somebody, you don't like their whole family?
What's I'm saying is, I don't think Lew
brought us here to serve us dinner.
Your dinner. Compliments of Mr Lew.
It could be dangerous. At the very
least, he won't be a congenial host.
Peking Duck, our house specialty.
If you require anything else
- food, drink...
...additional companions,
anything at all,
please, don't hesitate to ask.
Your money is no good here.
Let me put it another way.
I should have said this before,
but I think he wants to kill us.
What, with MSG?
I'm not kidding. I'd feel a lot
better if we just got outta here.
Wait, Tom, you said yourself that
this is just some misunderstanding.
Can't you contact your brother
and ask what's going on?
It's what I've been trying to do.
Maybe I should try again.
I'll be right back.
We'll call you back soon.
Craig, are you there?
Pick up the phone.
All right, listen.
I'm at a restaurant
called Chez Lew in Chinatown.
Get here, OK? Now.
All right...
Let's see, maybe he called in.
Strange.
Call Sharpie. Tell him
we've got his location.
McHugh!
I hope you don't mind, I've taken the liberty
of introducing myself to your lovely companion.
At last, we meet.
you're... different than I imagined.
Thanks. Lew? Mr Lew?
James Lew.
I hope you're enjoying your meal.
May I join you?
Yeah, sure, sure.
Um... This is a really
great place you have, James.
So...
It seems we share many interests.
Beautiful women, exotic cars,
Manchurian vases of
the late 16th century.
Oh, right. I just saw an
article on your collection.
Ah, you read.
Did you know how valuable
some of those vases can be?
Yeah, actually, it's funny because
just today I heard a proverb about vases.
Actually, it's about a pot.
It's about this poor guy who
gets a pot from his uncle...
I know the proverb.
I don't. What's it about?
It basically says always
look inside the pot.
This is just my interpretation,
but shake it up and see
if there's any money in it.
Oh, so now it's money you're after.
Only yesterday, you were
begging me to spare your life.
And we made a deal, McHugh.
Deal? What's he talking about?
I'm not the guy you made the deal with
I'm not Craig McHugh, he's my brother.
Let me guess. Your
evil twin brother, right?
Where is it? Where is my vase?
Listen, McHugh,
I've been cutting you a lot of slack.
I have not held you accountable for Ho
Wong's "accident" because I like you.
Did you know that he
killed my cousin Ho Wong?
It's our first date. We haven't had
munch time to open up to each other.
He's modest. He told me
it was all in self-defense.
Fine, I understand.
He was probably sent to
kill you. Come to think of it.
but Mr McHugh, enough is enough.
Don't you realise who
you're dealing with here?
Don't you know that you will
never leave this restaurant alive
unless you return my property?
Tell him you're not Craig.
What the heck is your problem?
Hey, hey, everybody,
it's Mr Lew's birthday!
# Happy birthday to you...
It's Mr Lew's birthday!
# Happy birthday to you
# Happy birthday to you
# Happy birthday to you
# Happy birthday to you...
- What are you doing? The police are here.
- The police will arrest me.
Oh, fine.
They'll arrest me because
they think I'm Craig.
I'm wearing Craig's suit.
- His suit?
- Driving his car.
And I'm paying for things with his credit
card, so everybody think s I'm Craig.
Gee, I wonder why.
Look, just stop the car.
Would you stop the car?
We're not going anywhere until you
tell me exactly what's going on.
Where are your witnesses?
McHugh blew in, threw a
party for Lew, then took off.
- I didn't know McHugh was a friend of yours.
- I didn't know you wanted to meet him.
We should all get together
and go bowling some time.
All I know is it's something
to do with this vase of Lew's.
I think Craig might...
- I think he stole it.
- All those cops because of a vase?
I thought he was at
Stanford studying Law!
Now he's here stealing vases,
he's pissing off girls.
God knows what he was thinking
when he set up this stupid date!
Craig set up this date?
Wait a minute. Craig called me?
I expect most guys
to lie about something.
How munch they bench-press, how
many girls they've slept with.
What they expect out of
a relationship, but...
but you've created an
alternate parallel universe.
Look...
I wanted to call you the
first time I saw you.
but it was too important to screw
up by saying something stupid.
I just wanted to make a
good first impression.
Tom, that's the idea. To
cut through all of that.
Find out if there's anything
worthwhile on the inside.
Look in the pot.
- What?
- The proverb, remember?
I found it in the loft
above Club Voltaire.
It was a message for my brother.
A message.
Wait, Tom. you know what
that means, don't you?
Yeah, it's a metaphor.
- Beauty is in the inside...
- No, no. It means that
that whatever Lew is after
is inside this vase.
Look in the pot, right?
you're right. I've got to find Craig.
Wait! What is this?
- Still no answer.
- I have an idea.
When I was in Retail, there was a special number we could
use to verify phone numbers of checks. We can get his address this way
Yes. Um...
5-5-51-8-0-9.
Craig McHugh.
Yeah. 2856 West
Eastwood. Great. Thanks.
So let's go meet your
perfect older brother.
It's McHugh. Tell your boss I've
got his valuable family heirloom.
I stole it back from
the people I sold it to.
It was even easier than
stealing it from you clowns.
I've got an alibi, so no trick s.
Yeah, whatever you say.
I'll make the delivery, just
call off your leg-breakers.
you wouldn't want me to get
nervous and drop it, would you?
Hello?
Hello?
What a mess.
- Oh, wow!
- Craig!
Whatever's inside that vase
must be pretty valuable, huh?
Craig?
Oh, gee, think they missed anything?
you can learn a lot about
a person from their garbage.
Yeah, I've heard that.
Here's his phone bill.
He gets his calls
forwarded from California?
Oh, man, I can't believe he's
been here this whole time.
Wait, let's think about this, OK?
Whatever it is, it has to fit
inside a vase... Drugs maybe?
The detective said it was evidence.
What detective?
Uh...
At the gas station, there was...
this detective came to talk to me.
- He thought I was Craig.
- And?
- He stopped thinking I was Craig.
- Tom! Why can't you be straight with me?
All night, it's been, "By the way, we're
looking for Craig and he might be in trouble. "
And, "For dessert,
they're gonna kill us!"
Listen, in the trunk...
...there's the phone...
That was the detective's.
- you stole his phone?
- No, no! He dropped it.
- He dropped it.
- It gets complicated.
- Tom!
- Geena, I can't tell you everything because...
If I did, you'd leave.
Don't bother because
I'm leaving anyway.
Geena... Geena!
What?!
Craig McHugh.
- How good to find you in.
- I'm not Craig McHugh.
No, of course not.
you drive his car,
you answer his phone,
but still, you're not him.
Listen to me, I'm not Craig McHugh!
Nevertheless, it's
good to find you in.
Geena!
Geena!
Geena!
This is a big mistake!
Ahh!
Inside. Move, move!
Now get in the car.
- Stop!
- Get in the car!
Geena!
Tom!
Get up. Get up!
Lew, you don't know
who you're dealing with.
you have until 2am
to return my property.
The pot for the girl.
you know where I live.
Could you just
jog my memory a little?
2am, McHugh.
After that, I can't
guarantee her safety.
# I'm cooling' at a bar
# And I'm looking' for some action
# but like Mick Jagger says,
I can't get no satisfaction
# The girls are all around
# but none of them wanna get with me
# My friends are
fresh, I'm looking' def
# Yo, what's up with L.O.C.?
Do exactly what your
big brother says, huh?
"Stick to the plan, Tiger. "
Asshole!
# Funky cold Medina
# Funky cold medhna#
Oh, you dick!
- What the hell was that?
- What the hell was what?
There's somebody in there.
Want me to tell Sharpie?
Yeah. Tell him we've got McHugh.
Oh, man.
Craig, I need that vase now!
Shunt up!
I said, "Shunt up!"
Craig!
They took the tapes.
They weren't after the vase. They
were after what was inside the vase.
What was inside the vase...
...was a tape.
Look, Condon, I didn't complain when
you upped your price for protection.
I gave you a bonus when
you took care of Scheski.
Why are my people getting busted?
This anti-drug thing
is getting outta hand.
you gotta show results, Lew.
you want the FBI nosing around?
Condon the detective.
All right, McHugh, we
know you're in there.
He's not in there.
Listen up. Wilkins, Jesse!
you guys cover Sleepy Hollow.
Carver, Mitchell, Babbling Brook Way.
Hotchins, Romano, Bonny Meadow Lane!
Simpson, Lazy Bunny Hutch!
Don't take chances.
This is a war zone!
# I'm on my way
# I'm on my way
# Your lust hs getting hotter
Oh, damn it!
"James Wo Chong Lew. "
What a day! Your boyfriend
has caused me no end of grief.
He's not my boyfriend.
So there is a limit
to McHugh's charm.
Ben, Jerry, go get some ice cream.
Would you like anything?
Food? Something to drink?
This is kidnapping. you
could get in a lot of trouble.
I don't want to talk business.
I am tired of business.
Let's try to relax.
I can't relax. I'm a prisoner.
Sure you can.
you just need a little help.
Help me! Help!
- Oh.
- Help me.
Hi, Craig.
- Help me!
- Help you? I could help you.
On the other hand, if I don't,
all your friends, family and neighbours will
call up and order flowers for your funeral.
And I can make a lot of money!
I can make a lot of money on tips...
if I still had my job!
you stiffed me for my tip.
Fine, that's OK.
you try to run me off
the road... no problem!
I'm a flower boy!
It all comes with the territory.
What's your problem?
What's that? Did you say something?
I can't hear you.
Take that thing out of your mouth.
What's your problem?
you're my problem. you're
my problem! you're my...
No problem, no problem.
No problem, man. I'm fine.
I'm all right.
- What are you gonna do about it?
- I want a divorce!
Hi. I've got a flower
delivery for Mr Lew.
Flowers at two in the morning?
Yeah, no kidding. It's
some kind of emergency.
Emergency flowers?
Uh... hey, don't ask me, OK?
I think he wants to
impress some girl.
OK, right, right.
The girl, yeah.
Better get on up there then.
OK.
Thank you.
- Chalk one up for the good guys.
- Find the body?
Not yet. but the engineer
swears he hit him.
He found this on the track s.
- Kill a cop, kiss a train. Seems about right.
- Mr Sharpsteen? Be so kind?
Let's see what
Forensics has to say.
- What have you got, Katz?
- Strange ruminations from the trunk.
The Chinese gentleman was one Ho Wong.
A hit man for James Lew.
He was waiting in the trunk to kill
McHugh. Fired a single round...
through the trunk lid here.
Mistakenly felling peace
officer Albert Condon.
Wait a minute, that's got to be wrong.
McHugh killed Al.
Not so, my friend.
Ho Wong is our man.
He killed Officer Condon.
Judging by the leak in the exhaust,
I'd say Wong died of asphyxiation.
No, McHugh was no killer.
Hai! Hai!
2.30.
I'd say you were being stood up.
Come on.
you wouldn't want them
to come and find me dead.
I don't think you realise how
many friends I have in the police.
Please, sit down.
Hai!
Lew, if you do anything to me, you'll
never get that evidence you're after.
Evidence? What evidence
are you talking about?
Oh, I know all about it.
The evidence in the pot.
So McHugh did tell you.
That's too bad.
Yours will be an
honorable death, McHugh.
Hai! This sword has been in
my family for three centuries.
you asshole.
Honor? Shit! I'll kill
you with my bare hands.
Ah, Happy Birthday,
McHugh.
What the h...?
- Geena!
- Are you all right?
- I'm fine.
- Good.
Damn it, Tom! Or is it Craig?
No, it's Tom.
- You promised me another chance if I blew it.
- You blew it.
Come on!
Hands up, McHugh.
Hand over the tape, Craig.
- Don't. Once he has the tape, he'll kill us.
- I'll kill you anyway!
Do what you want with the window,
just leave the girl alone.
Lew, move and I drop your
precious pot. Lose the gun.
Go ahead!
Your boyfriend stole
everything that was valuable.
He had a fence to tell
him which ones to take.
Check the rest of the grounds.
Give me the tape.
Give me the tape!
Uh-uh-uh.
- I don't think so.
- Now who the heck are you?
I'm Craig McHugh.
Stop picking on my brother,
or I drop your heirloom.
We tried that already.
- Please.
- Craig, he doesn't want the vase.
- Tom...
- Craig, he doesn't want the vase!
Tom, I know a little more than you.
I set you up as my
alibi... which you fowled up!
- you don't want the vase?
- I have what I want.
If you'll excuse me,
I have to call the police.
A thief and his accomplices were
found shot here in self-defense.
- I made copies of that tape.
- What tape?
- you're bluffing.
- I did.
I can prove it. Give me the phone.
15 seconds.
No funny stuff, McHugh.
- Hi, I'm Richard.
- I'm Betty.
And that was Napoleon.
We're not home...
Look, Condon, I didn't complain when
you upped your price for protection.
I gave you a bonus when
you took care of Scheski.
Why are my people getting busted?
This anti-drug thing
is getting outta hand.
We gotta show results. you
want the FBI nosing around?
Condon.
Lie low for a few months, then we'll talk
to Sharpie and Doheny and cut a new deal.
Like I said, if the FBI gets
wind of this, we're all screwed.
Unbelievable. They're all in on it.
Don't like that copy? I made more.
If we don't return safely, I've left
instructions for the tapes to be sent to the FBI.
No Wa t, wa t, wa t, wa t
- Great, the police.
- Great, the police.
Nobody move, nobody gets hurt.
I'm glad you're here. He was
gonna kill us in cold blood.
Is that right?
- We've got evidence that'll put him away for life.
- you found the tape?
He's got it, but I
have a copy at home.
Only two? So you were bluffing.
Kill him. Finish him off
for me! Earn your payoff.
- you're the payoff cops?
- The payoff cops?
- This isn't fair.
- Shunt up!
- Who is this guy?
- It's McHugh, you idiot. Kill him!
- I'm not Craig McHugh!
- He's not Craig McHugh, I am.
- Positive, he's not Craig McHugh.
- Kill 'em both.
And the girl. One of
them must be McHugh.
McHugh's already dead.
In fact, he died a hero.
One of your pals killed Al.
Then McHugh killed him.
Then you, you killed McHugh.
And now, Lew, I'm gonna kill you.
- Kill me?
- That's what I said!
you kill for me. I say
who kills who. Kill them.
And while you're at
it, kill yourself.
They're getting away!
Freeze!
Nobody move
- Drop your weapons. you're under arrest.
- For what?
Bribery, extortion...
...and extreme stupidity.
Hey, why so glum?
you could thank me for
coming to your rescue.
Thanks, Craig. Thank
s for everything.
- What the hell's your problem, Tommy?
- What's my problem?
I spent my life being compared to my perfect
older brother and you don't even exist.
you're a lying, thieving, sociopathic
criminal. And I thought you were a lawyer.
Now we're splitting hairs, aren't we?
Get outta here. Take your S200
shoes, your stupid shirt.
I don't want anyone else to mistake me
for the legendary asshole Craig McHugh.
- you're an ingrate.
- Ingrate?
you almost got us killed.
I'm sorry. I guess I screwed up.
I put a little adventure
into your lives, that's it.
Go on, go back to your
safe, suburban homes.
And lock your doors
and watch your MTV.
but I'll tell you this munch,
when you're old, sitting on your
wrinkled asses, there'll be one night,
one date out of your whole boring lives
that you'll remember and it'll be tonight.
Oh, Tommy?
Don't tell Mom and Dad, all right?
I... want my tip,
Craig.
Hey, no problem...
...Dwight.
you're very strange, you know.
I still don't know a thing about you.
Good night.
I have some questions
before I say good night.
# Doo-do-do
doo-do-do
# Do-do
do-do
# Doo-do-do
do-do do-dooo
# Do-do-do
doo-do-do
Do-do-do
# Doo-do-do
doo-do-do
# Do-do
do-dooo
- Hi, I'm Richard.
- I'm Betty.
And that was Napoleon.
We're not home, but leave your name and
number and we'll call you back soon.
- Tom? Napoleon won! He's champion.
- Best dog in the show.
We'll celebrate when we get back.
Maybe let you have a beer
Napoleon wants too talk to you
Here, boy.
# You're so fine lose my mind
# And the world seems to disappear
# All the problems all the fears
# And the world seems to disappear
# Doo-do-do
doo-do-do
# Do-do
do-do
# Doo-do-do
do-do do-dooo
# Do-do-do
doo-do-do
# Do-do-do
# Doo-do-do
doo-do-do
# Do-do
do-dooo
# Girl say you're mine and give
yourself to the feeling that you know
# I'm needing all that you can give me
# All the things that you do so well
# Words are healing sweet anticipation
# Making spells as the shadows close in
# And fall across all our yesterdays
# You're so fine lose my mind
# And our world seems to disappear
# All the problems all the fears
# And our world seems to disappear
# You're so fine lose my mind
# And our world seems to disappear
# All the problems all the fears
# And our world seems to disappear
# disappear disappear
# disappear disappear
# disappear disappear disappear
# Doo-do-do
doo-do-do
# Do-do
do-do
# Doo-do-do
do-do do-dooo
# Do-do-do
doo-do-do
# Say if I could
# Look into myself and reason
# But I could never never see
# Or make sense of the dealings
# Turn around am I
looking at salvation?
# Make me realise all that I am baby
# You put the light inside this man
# You're so fine lose my mind
# And the world seems to disappear
# All the problems all the fears
# And the world seems to disappear
# You're so fine lose my mind
# And the world seems to disappear
# All the problems all the fears
# And the world seems to disappear
# You're so fine lose my mind
# And our world seems to disappear
# All the problems all the fears
- Craig? I saw her again.
At the beach this time.
- Who?
- Her.
- Her?
- Her her.
Oh, the mystery girl. So
you followed her to the beach?
No. She just appeared.
looked over and there she was
On her upper lip, there was
this tiny bead of sweat.
It was her only flaw
and I loved her for it.
All right. Now what did you do?
How did you, Tom McHugh,
take control of the situation?
How did you seize the
moment and make it yours?
- I waited.
- you waited? For what?
For the perfect moment.
For the moment our eyes would meet
and she'd smile at me and there'd be a flash
of unspoken understanding between us.
I was waiting for fate.
Tell me something, pal.
How long does all this take?
Hey, don't rush me.
When the moment's right, I'll know.
It'll happen. It'll happen.
- Did the landscaper come?
- On Wednesday.
- Dr Lunsky, Mrs Lunsky.
- Craig, I thought you were in law school.
Tom. Craig's winsome younger brother.
- you win some, you lose some!
- Remind me never to let you operate on me.
# If you need a Little lovin'#
Suzette, this is my son Tom.
Hi, Tom.
Tom's going to Yale
to study Business.
Or I might join the merchant
marines. I haven't decided.
# Oh I'll be right here at home
# All you gotta do Is pick
up your telephone and dial#
I say, take a couple of years,
figure out what to do with your life.
Yeah, a young man should follow
his heart wherever it takes him.
Don't let us old coots
dictate what you should do.
Of course, as an employer, I have
a bias against hiring slack-offs.
# Yeah
4-5-7-8-9
# Call me on the telephone
3-4-5-7-8-9
3-4-5
As you all know, by
this time tomorrow,
Betty and I will be in Connecticut along
with a very special member of our family.
For four years, he has competed
amongst the very best of the nation and
each time, he's come home a champion.
I know how grateful he is
for your generous support,
but I think he could say it more eloquently
than I, so what do you say, champ?
# For he's a jolly good schnauzer
# For he's a jolly good schnauzer
# For he's a jolly good schnauzer#
# Which nobody can deny
# Which nobody can deny... #
# Only child know#
Saratoga Longshot?
# But we're never
gonna survive unless#
There must be a way to
find out more about her.
# No we're never gonna survive unless
# We are a Little
# Crazy#
Hello?
Hi, Mom.
No, no, I canceled.
I know he's a doctor,
but he's still boring.
Then you go out with him.
I'd rather be by myself.
Hang on a second, I
heard something outside.
Tom, there's a couple of frozen pizzas
in the icebox downstairs
and a fresh case of Bock beer.
- Keep your damn hands off it.
- Yes, sir.
And don't forget about that
list of chores we agreed on.
Please, get yourself a nice haircut.
- See you guys when you get back.
- you bet.
Buckle up, hon.
Aren't you forgetting something?
Mom, I'm not gonna kiss the dog.
Goodbye, dear.
"Clean your room,
hang out the clothes,
mow the lawn... "
- Craig.
- Hey, buddy!
I thought you were in California.
Well, I decided to fly
up and surprise you.
No kidding. We haven't
seen you in ages.
- you know Mom and Dad took off?
- Yeah. When are they coming back?
- Monday night.
- Terrific.
This is beautiful.
1959 DeSoto Firesweep.
See the way it leans into the
wind. That's the "forward look".
When this baby came out, the
ad said, "Suddenly, it's 1960."
Wanna take it for a spin?
- Can I?
- No. but you can pull it into the garage.
It's a push-button transmission.
D for drive, R for reverse.
Where's the P?
No Park. Parking brake.
- How did you get it here if you just flew in?
- What?
How did you get the
car here from California?
Chris Keslin drove it up during
spring break. Grab that bag.
Any beer inside? you look
like you could use one.
- Yeah, but Dad said...
- "Hands off it!" Forget it. Tell him I drank it.
It's good to see you, Craig.
I see you've been putting
my telescope to good use.
Tom, Tom!
Is the telescope inadvertently
pointing at something interesting?
Is this the one you told me
about? Your new girlfriend?
I'm working on that.
Tommy, come here. Come here.
I want you to look through
this telescope. Go ahead.
It's pointing at a
beautiful woman. Why?
Because you pointed it there, huh?
Not Mom, not Dad, not
anybody else but you.
you know what you want. The hard
part is over. Do something about it.
- I haven't even spoken to her!
- That's all right.
That's all right.
What do you know about this girl?
She's house-sitting
for some new neighbors.
She reads mystery novels.
She doesn't seem to have a boyfriend.
Oh, Tom, she's waiting for you.
Fine, I'll go over and say,
"Hi, I'm Tom. you don't know me,
but I've been spying on you
for a couple of months
and I find you very attractive
in a very hormonal way. "
Then she'll slap me silly.
There are worse things than getting
slapped by a beautiful woman.
- Got her phone number?
- I don't even know her name!
but you've got her garbage, right?
She's got a couple of Gourmet
Lites. Couscous, grapefruit rinds.
you've got to get
this girl some food.
Hello!
Tom, meet Geena Mathews.
In July, Geena bought S85-worth
of lingerie at Nordstrom.
Very nice. Do you like lingerie, Tommy?
I've really only read about it.
Let's see. She reads mystery
novels to escape, right?
She dreams of faraway, exotic places.
She's into surrealism.
She's trapped, Tom.
- Bingo.
- She plays bingo?
Phone bill. Now we have her phone
number. Let's go rescue her.
Craig...
- No, I can't do this!
- Be yourself.
- I can't.
- Then be me.
No.
Hello?
Hello?
Hello. Geena? Is this Geena Matthews?
Hi. My name is Tom.
No, no. Tom McHugh.
That's because we've never met.
I'm a neighbour. I live on Sunnydale.
I don't name the streets,
just live on them.
Listen, I keep seeing
you everywhere I go.
First it was at
Nordstrom, then the beach.
Then at that Dali exhibit
over at the museum.
I had to call to ask you to please stop
following me around. People are starting to talk.
Oh, you know, us.
Listen, Geena, to be
totally honest with you,
I'm trying my hardest
to ask you out.
It's gonna be a beautiful night.
It's gonna be one of those hot, tropical
nights where anything could happen.
I fly back to California tomorrow.
Listen, what about this? What
if I come to your house at 07.30?
If you don't open the door, I'll
leave, promise. What do you say?
Great. Bye.
- We're in.
- I'm not doing this. Call back!
- you just have to show up!
- What if I blow it? This is too spontaneous.
- I need more time.
- Tiger, tiger, come on. Relax.
Trust me, you'll be ready.
I want you to remember what Lord Olivier
said about acting, "The key is sincerity. "
Once you can fake that,
the rest is easy.
George Burns said that.
OK, I want you to clean it up.
but not too severe.
Think... Robert Mitchum.
N Out Of he Past
So basically, exactly
like yours. Right?
Yeah.
Craig, listen, first
dates don't work for me.
I hurry my jokes, I have car trouble.
Once I took a bite of pizza, the
hot stuff slid off and burnt me.
Tommy, you're trying too hard.
Let her do the work, huh?
What do women like to do more
than anything in the world?
Buy shoes?
Talk. They talk. So you listen.
That is the most
important thing about women.
They like it when you treat 'em shitty and when you treat 'em well
- they just want your attention.
Does it matter that
I have 20-20 vision?
- I don't need glasses!
- Hey, neither do I.
If women say they like mature guys,
it means they like men in glasses.
It's the only difference.
The only problem with glasses is
they fly off when a woman slaps you.
Don't flinch, take it like
a man. Come off it smiling.
- I don't usually get slapped.
- Really?
Happens to me all the time.
Come on.
A limo? No way am I showing
up in a stupid limo!
Your convertible would be perfect.
I promise I'll be extra careful.
you're right. It would be very cool.
but I can't. Really, Tom, it's
been giving me trouble lately.
The top stick s, the
exhaust system...
Why risk it, huh? I was
hoping to borrow your car.
- My car? - Yeah, visit
some of my old hang-outs.
Everything at Kory's is terrific.
Except for the wine list.
Just wave your hand and say, "A
bottle of your best Champagne. "
"A bottle of your best Champagne?"
How am I supposed to afford Champagne?
This is brand new.
Sign my name so the
signatures match.
And I will give you some
extra cash for tipping.
Always tip well.
but only when your date is watching.
Hi. I have a flower delivery
for a Mr, uh... McHugh.
you're 20 minutes late... Dwight.
I'm sorry, sir. I
misjudged the ride over.
I usually take a different route.
That is a beautiful car.
Don't make excuses on my time.
I have an important date planned this
evening and you've fucked it up.
Oh, wow. I said I was sorry.
Well, there goes your tip, Dwight.
There goes my tip?
I hope you enjoy the flowers.
Craig?
This is insane.
What if she hates me, or
laughs at me? Or pulls a knife?
- Pulls a knife? -
Worst-case scenario.
Roe ax
Stick to the plan.
Everything will be fine.
Remember, no woman wants to hear,
"What do you want to do?"
you have reservations and
directions. Everything's taken care of.
- you need to wear this jacket.
- you think so?
Yep.
Oh, no, oh, no. Don't do this to me.
I'm sorry, man! I'm really late.
Hey, come back here!
This is inspiring.
you look almost like me.
It's perverse.
I gotta get going.
My wallet's in here, all right? Hold onto
that. There's cash in there and my ID.
- Isn't phoney ID against the law?
- Don't let the law stand in the way of fun.
you're gonna make a
great lawyer, Craig.
And you're a good brother.
- Yes?
- Mr McHugh?
About that limousine you ordered...
There's been an accident. We can
get you another in a few hours.
No, tonight's a special occasion.
Of course, otherwise you
would have rented a Chevette.
I'm picking her up in a few minutes!
Now what am I supposed to do?
# No one can take this away from me
# The martyrs and madmen
I learned that in school
# Will remember my name
# Some things are never the same
McHugh. Tom McHugh right here.
Hi.
- You're Tom?
- I'm Tom.
These are flowers. They're for you.
- I'll put them in some water.
- Just the bottom part.
Listen, Thanks for the
flowers, they're great.
Um... but I wanna ask
you a few questions.
Right, of course. I understand.
Tell me the name of the
last novel you read.
Novel?
Yeah, a story book without pictures.
Oh, right, uh...
It's just that it was...
It was this mystery
novel, Saratoga Longshot
Are you kidding? I just read that.
Really?
OK... what's the capital of Paraguay?
Uruguay?
No, it's Asuncion. but
nobody ever gets that.
Um... any personal heroes?
...?
I always looked up to
my older brother Craig.
but that's kinda stupid.
Really?
that's so sweet
Most guys say Michael Jordan.
Wait, I'm sitting on something.
- This is a cool car.
- Thanks.
It's funny what some
guys think is impressive.
- One date showed up in a limo.
- you're kidding?
I just think this
is more interesting.
- It's a 1959, uh, DeSoto.
- DeSoto?
Yeah.
# Doo-do-do
doo-do-do
# Do-do
do-do
# Doo-do-do
do-do do-dooo
# Do-do-do
doo-do-do
Do-do-do
# Doo-do-do
doo-do-do
# Do-do
do-dooo
# You're so fine lose my mind
# And the world seems to disappear
# All the problems all the fears
Um, by the way, where are we going?
It's just up ahead here.
I'm pretty sure, uh...
it's a place called Kory's
# Do-doo
# Do-do-do
doo-do-do
Do-do-do
# Do-do do-do
do-do-do-do
# Say you're mine
# And give yourself to
the feelings that you know
# I'm needing all that you can give me
# All the things that you do so well
Wow! How did you find this place?
I don't know. you just
hear about places and then...
you go there.
So...
uhm...
I forgot what I was going to say.
It was something really enchanting.
Tom? Maybe we should skip this
first-impression thing. What do you say?
Great idea. I've always thought fourth
impressions were the most important.
First dates, people try so
hard, they can't be themselves.
Yeah, I know.
It's almost deceptive really.
I mean, we spend hours making
ourselves look completely different,
then we go to some dark place
and can't see each other.
We drink, so we don't know if
the person is interesting,
or seems interesting because they're pretending
to be interested in who we're pretending to be.
Right.
So I guess there's
no getting around it.
- We're gonna have to lie to each other.
- Lie to each other?
Until we get to know one another.
OK. Two Cabana Coolers.
I'll put that on your tab.
- Tab?
- Yeah.
My tab O K
Thank you.
I've wet myself and you'll wanna
call my mother to take me home.
Tom, it's all right. If this is the worst
thing that happens all night, we'll live.
I'm gonna be right back.
- Hi. Stella?
- Hi.
Do you have a towel?
Well. I see the old McHugh charm
is overflowing this evening.
- Stella!
- Ah, duty calls. I live to serve.
- That wasn't Craig McHugh, was it?
- Get in line, honey.
It's his car, no mistake.
I'm gonna check it out.
- How are you this evening?
- Beautiful car.
Thank you.
Shit!
- So the rat returns to his hole.
- Do we know each other?
I wasn't that drunk!
How you can live with
yourself, Craig McHugh!
I don't... I'm not...
Hey, Mr Romeo, I hate dick s like you.
- What did he do?
- Forget it. His karma will catch up with him.
She's right. When it
does, it'll kick my ass.
Hi. Do you like your drink?
- Yeah, it's kind of...
- Could you tell me in the car?
What's the big hurry?
Um, I ran into some
old school buddies.
- They'll bung us all night if we hang around.
- Hey, you clown!
I thought that was a great place.
Yeah, yeah.
- Do you mind if we go someplace else?
- No, it's fine.
Leave the girl here!
These guys, they're... kook s.
Interesting friends.
Well, you know,
they're just jealous.
I mean, here I am out with a
beautiful Pulitzer Prize winner.
Come on, Tom, enough lies, OK?
Absolutely. No more lies.
What happened to your face? It's red.
Oh... Oh, that. It's, uhm...
It's an allergic reaction
to pineapple juice.
Uh-oh. Are those
your buddies again?
No. He's from the flower
shop near my house.
- Did you screw her yet?
- What?
Get her drunk with my tip money?
- What did he say?
- I didn't catch him.
Here!
Bang her with these!
I still can't hear him.
Hey, lady! I hope you
don't expect a tip.
Argh!
He was kinda funny, wasn't he?
you're so romantic. Or do you
throw flowers at all your dates?
No.
I can't wait to see what
you throw at me next.
I'll be right back.
Excuse me?
Is there a washroom?
Nice form.
- Hey, nice car.
- Oh, Thanks.
58? No, 59 DeSoto firesweep
- Wow. you look great with it too.
- Thanks.
- Could you do something for me?
- What's that?
Just kinda mean-lean
against it there?
- What, like this?
- Yeah. Yeah, that's great.
put the other hand right there.
- What, like this?
- Perfect!
Don't move an inch. I'm Detective Condon and
I am your arresting officer this evening.
- Is this a joke?
- The joke is over, son.
So you're Craig McHugh, huh?
No, I'm not. He's my brother.
Your evil twin brother, right?
No, he's older. An older evil...
My brother is practically a lawyer, OK?
you may need one.
That you, Sharpie? It's Condon.
- Did somebody say "condom"?
- Go ahead, make jokes.
I got him. I got McHugh.
I said to wait for
backup. What's with you?
He's not armed. He's
practically crying.
I want you to wait
there. We're on our way.
OK, McHugh, it's time
to hand over the flowerpot.
- I got flowers...
- I want it now. I've got no time for this crap.
you took the vase.
Where is it? The trunk?
you look in the trunk, take whatever
you want. you got the jack...
Hello?
Sir?
Oh, oh...
Come on, come on.
Hi. Is everything all right?
you look kinda pale. Are you sure
you're OK?
Oh, yeah, I'm fine.
Oh, good. Cos I'm having a great time.
you are?
Yeah.
I hate to cut our date short. but
you're going to California tomorrow, right?
Yeah, right. you see,
it's just that...
I'm a little worried
about... about my car.
I'm having some car trouble.
I'll go pay, OK?
Did you forget something?
No, it's OK
- I got it.
- Can I help?
Um...
I had a nosebleed.
That's disgusting!
Keep the change.
Do you have a payphone?
On the wall.
- Hi, I'm Richard.
- I'm Betty.
And that was Napoleon
We're not home, but leave your name and
number and we'll call you back soon.
Craig, are you there?
Pick up the phone!
Aw, shit!
Listen, I had to borrow your
car. Limo didn't show up.
All hell's breaking loose.
I have two dead bodies in the trunk.
I think I should call the police, but I can't
because one of them, I accidentally killed.
I've been slapped, I've been threatened
by goons, attacked by a freaking' florist.
We haven't even ordered appetizers.
you said something
about old hang-outs.
Meet me at a place called Club
Voltaire, if you're not already there.
All right, see you there. Bye.
The flowers were great.
Wonder what's next.
Next?
Uh... it's another surprise.
Hey! Hey, you shit!
Bastard.
Hey. Nah...
Six months ago, I thought
this place was too yuppie.
you know what we do with cop killers in this state, flower boy? yeah?
the lucky ones never see the chair!
you don't look lucky to me!
I never saw McHugh until he
stiffed me for the flowers.
And then... he tried
to run me off the road.
- It's the truth!
- Sharpie!
- What?
- I found the kid's boss.
- I guess his story check s out.
- Are you sure?
I got the address where
he made the delivery.
Jesus, poor Al never had a chance.
Let's go get that cop killer.
- Geena, I'm sorry. I thought my brother might...
- This is incredible!
I thought we were gonna get killed.
The night is still young.
Bottle of your best Champagne.
- Anything else?
- That'll be fine.
A couple of Gourmet Lites, couscous...
a bunch of grapefruit rinds.
Don't these people eat anything?
Sir? The search
warrant you asked for.
Good boy.
Victor? Listen to this.
- What have you got?
- Listen to this.
I have two dead bodies in the trunk.
I should call the police, but I can't
because one of them I accidentally killed.
- If that isn't a confession, what the hell is?
- There's more.
you said something
about old hang-outs.
Club Voltaire, I'm going to a place
called Club Voltaire. Meet me there, OK?
Two dead bodies?
that voice was creepy
Not an ounce of remorse
- Anything else, Mr McHugh?
- No, thanks.
Craig McHugh?
Why? Do I know you? No
but you know my sister.
- I don't even look like my brother.
- Yeah, you do.
you dress like him too. I thought
you stole this credit card.
you know my brother?
Have you seen him?
Upstairs.
Chinese guy.
- Tom?
- Your boyfriend says he'll be right back.
Why? Where did he go?
Upstairs.
To find his brother.
Thanks.
Hello? Hello?
Craig?
If you'd like to make a
call, please try again.
For help, dial the operator.
McHugh.
Tom?
Tom, is that you?
Uh... uh... no.
Are you OK?
Don't... don't come in!
It's a real mess in here.
- Um...
- What is going on?
I'm coming in, Tom.
No, no! Hold on.
Tom?
What is this place? What's going on?
Are you hungry? Let's
get some Chinese food.
Nervous? I don't think
I'm acting nervous.
you're acting like you have rabies.
Why did you disappear like
that? I mean, that's pretty rude.
you're right. you're
right. I'm sorry.
I thought my brother was upstairs,
so I went up there, but he wasn't.
Maybe I want to meet your
brother. He's your hero, right?
- Under the circumstances, that's a bad idea.
- What circumstances, Tom?
Circumstances beyond my control.
What does that mean? I don't
understand what that means.
Geena, I know this is
just another night to you,
but it's really
important to me, all right?
Tom, you're a really nice guy...
Nice, nice. Right. I'm afraid
that's my one and only quality.
- That's not true. you have other qualities.
- I do?
Yeah. you're spontaneous.
And you're sincere.
- And you've got great taste.
- That's not me, it's somebody else.
I'm just doing that so you won't
ditch me. Besides, you forgot "funny".
I mean, I am funny, right?
Yes, you are funny.
Excuse me?
Is this your vehicle?
Uh, yes. Yes, it is. Is
there a problem, Officer?
Yeah.
you're missing a tyre.
Give me the keys, I'll
help with the spare.
No, no, no!
No, uh...
- Wow.
- you can't leave anything around here.
Uh, well...
Why don't you watch this...?
I'm gonna go get the spare.
These old jack s get wiggly.
That's a leaky flare.
I'll get this one.
you close that trunk.
Have a nice night.
Stop!
Come here.
I caught you just in
time. Take a look at this.
It's oil, huh?
No.
That ain't oil.
I'd say that was
transmission fluid.
When it gets all red and sticky,
it's time to have it changed.
OK, I'll change it.
- How about some music? Something relaxing?
- Yeah.
- Tom, they took your tapes.
- My tapes?
Well, this is relaxing, huh?
Driving in eerie silence.
- What was that? Is that a car phone?
- Uh, no, no.
- It sounds like it's coming from the trunk.
- It's...
It's a trunk car phone.
One of these jobbies
you put in the trunk
then it doesn't bother
you while you're driving.
Don't you think you should answer it?
Yeah, I should.
Craig McHugh was here with a date.
He kills a cop, then goes
out and celebrates? What next?
Sir? There's a dead
Chinese man upstairs.
McHugh was the last
person to see him alive.
This guy is over the edge.
He's a psycho. Who would steal from
the head of the Chinese Tong mafia?
There sure aren't many
Chinese people around.
I guess it gets touristy
on Saturday nights.
The Chinese are probably
inside making a living.
Look at this place!
We should go in here.
All right. you go in. I'll ask
someone to recommend where to eat.
- OK.
- All right?
Oh, no, no customer use.
I wanted to see you.
No, no, no, no! you go away.
Go to Happy Moon piano bar.
Find nice boy there.
Nice young man there.
Oh. No, no.
My shirt, my shirt. I need
to know what my shirt says.
Oh... It's backwards.
"Look in pot. "
No, no. "Look in pot" is
an old Chinese proverb.
- An old proverb?
- Yeah.
It's about a young man. Very poor.
but he inherits a
pot from his uncle.
Oh, it's very beautiful.
He take pot, he shows it to
neighbour. "Look, look, how beautiful!"
He shines it up, he
puts it up on shelf.
He never look s inside.
See, he never realizes
inside it's full of gold.
So he starved, never
knowing he is so rich.
you'd have thought it would have
jingled around when he moved it.
Proverb! Always look inside a beauty.
Pot is only as good as
what is inside of it.
See?
Thank you.
An adventure is in the air.
Like a wind from a faraway place.
Fortunes made and lost. Men in
the wrong place at the wrong time.
Lives changing... all because
your loins led you out tonight.
It was not my loins.
I was curious.
In women, curiosity is an urge
that springs from the loins.
Oh, but not in men?
In men, everything is an urge
that springs from the loins.
- Geena.
- Ah. Speaking of the devil...
This is the one who needs his fortune
told. Tell me his deepest, darkest secrets.
young man, you are an impostor!
Uh...
Look at the time! We gotta go.
- How munch do we owe you?
- Sit down.
- It's free.
- Take 20. Keep the change.
Beware. Beware of your false self!
Who knows when I would
have found out about you?
Geena, there's something
I've got to tell you.
Mr McHugh, your table is waiting.
We're really not that hungry.
Mr Lew would like you to
be his guests for dinner.
Well, we could eat.
While officials will not call it
a murder spree, two men are dead.
McHugh is believed to be
armed and very dangerous.
Thanks.
Boy, am I starving!
We need to get out of here.
Why? you don't like this place?
A bottle of your best...
...Champagne.
Compliments of Mr Lew.
I'd like to propose a toast.
It's not really a toast, I...
Would you promise me another
chance if I blow it tonight?
you're doing fine.
- So how do you know Mr Lew?
- I don't.
This is a misunderstanding.
He knows my brother. And
I don't think he likes him.
And you know how when you don't like
somebody, you don't like their whole family?
What's I'm saying is, I don't think Lew
brought us here to serve us dinner.
Your dinner. Compliments of Mr Lew.
It could be dangerous. At the very
least, he won't be a congenial host.
Peking Duck, our house specialty.
If you require anything else
- food, drink...
...additional companions,
anything at all,
please, don't hesitate to ask.
Your money is no good here.
Let me put it another way.
I should have said this before,
but I think he wants to kill us.
What, with MSG?
I'm not kidding. I'd feel a lot
better if we just got outta here.
Wait, Tom, you said yourself that
this is just some misunderstanding.
Can't you contact your brother
and ask what's going on?
It's what I've been trying to do.
Maybe I should try again.
I'll be right back.
We'll call you back soon.
Craig, are you there?
Pick up the phone.
All right, listen.
I'm at a restaurant
called Chez Lew in Chinatown.
Get here, OK? Now.
All right...
Let's see, maybe he called in.
Strange.
Call Sharpie. Tell him
we've got his location.
McHugh!
I hope you don't mind, I've taken the liberty
of introducing myself to your lovely companion.
At last, we meet.
you're... different than I imagined.
Thanks. Lew? Mr Lew?
James Lew.
I hope you're enjoying your meal.
May I join you?
Yeah, sure, sure.
Um... This is a really
great place you have, James.
So...
It seems we share many interests.
Beautiful women, exotic cars,
Manchurian vases of
the late 16th century.
Oh, right. I just saw an
article on your collection.
Ah, you read.
Did you know how valuable
some of those vases can be?
Yeah, actually, it's funny because
just today I heard a proverb about vases.
Actually, it's about a pot.
It's about this poor guy who
gets a pot from his uncle...
I know the proverb.
I don't. What's it about?
It basically says always
look inside the pot.
This is just my interpretation,
but shake it up and see
if there's any money in it.
Oh, so now it's money you're after.
Only yesterday, you were
begging me to spare your life.
And we made a deal, McHugh.
Deal? What's he talking about?
I'm not the guy you made the deal with
I'm not Craig McHugh, he's my brother.
Let me guess. Your
evil twin brother, right?
Where is it? Where is my vase?
Listen, McHugh,
I've been cutting you a lot of slack.
I have not held you accountable for Ho
Wong's "accident" because I like you.
Did you know that he
killed my cousin Ho Wong?
It's our first date. We haven't had
munch time to open up to each other.
He's modest. He told me
it was all in self-defense.
Fine, I understand.
He was probably sent to
kill you. Come to think of it.
but Mr McHugh, enough is enough.
Don't you realise who
you're dealing with here?
Don't you know that you will
never leave this restaurant alive
unless you return my property?
Tell him you're not Craig.
What the heck is your problem?
Hey, hey, everybody,
it's Mr Lew's birthday!
# Happy birthday to you...
It's Mr Lew's birthday!
# Happy birthday to you
# Happy birthday to you
# Happy birthday to you
# Happy birthday to you...
- What are you doing? The police are here.
- The police will arrest me.
Oh, fine.
They'll arrest me because
they think I'm Craig.
I'm wearing Craig's suit.
- His suit?
- Driving his car.
And I'm paying for things with his credit
card, so everybody think s I'm Craig.
Gee, I wonder why.
Look, just stop the car.
Would you stop the car?
We're not going anywhere until you
tell me exactly what's going on.
Where are your witnesses?
McHugh blew in, threw a
party for Lew, then took off.
- I didn't know McHugh was a friend of yours.
- I didn't know you wanted to meet him.
We should all get together
and go bowling some time.
All I know is it's something
to do with this vase of Lew's.
I think Craig might...
- I think he stole it.
- All those cops because of a vase?
I thought he was at
Stanford studying Law!
Now he's here stealing vases,
he's pissing off girls.
God knows what he was thinking
when he set up this stupid date!
Craig set up this date?
Wait a minute. Craig called me?
I expect most guys
to lie about something.
How munch they bench-press, how
many girls they've slept with.
What they expect out of
a relationship, but...
but you've created an
alternate parallel universe.
Look...
I wanted to call you the
first time I saw you.
but it was too important to screw
up by saying something stupid.
I just wanted to make a
good first impression.
Tom, that's the idea. To
cut through all of that.
Find out if there's anything
worthwhile on the inside.
Look in the pot.
- What?
- The proverb, remember?
I found it in the loft
above Club Voltaire.
It was a message for my brother.
A message.
Wait, Tom. you know what
that means, don't you?
Yeah, it's a metaphor.
- Beauty is in the inside...
- No, no. It means that
that whatever Lew is after
is inside this vase.
Look in the pot, right?
you're right. I've got to find Craig.
Wait! What is this?
- Still no answer.
- I have an idea.
When I was in Retail, there was a special number we could
use to verify phone numbers of checks. We can get his address this way
Yes. Um...
5-5-51-8-0-9.
Craig McHugh.
Yeah. 2856 West
Eastwood. Great. Thanks.
So let's go meet your
perfect older brother.
It's McHugh. Tell your boss I've
got his valuable family heirloom.
I stole it back from
the people I sold it to.
It was even easier than
stealing it from you clowns.
I've got an alibi, so no trick s.
Yeah, whatever you say.
I'll make the delivery, just
call off your leg-breakers.
you wouldn't want me to get
nervous and drop it, would you?
Hello?
Hello?
What a mess.
- Oh, wow!
- Craig!
Whatever's inside that vase
must be pretty valuable, huh?
Craig?
Oh, gee, think they missed anything?
you can learn a lot about
a person from their garbage.
Yeah, I've heard that.
Here's his phone bill.
He gets his calls
forwarded from California?
Oh, man, I can't believe he's
been here this whole time.
Wait, let's think about this, OK?
Whatever it is, it has to fit
inside a vase... Drugs maybe?
The detective said it was evidence.
What detective?
Uh...
At the gas station, there was...
this detective came to talk to me.
- He thought I was Craig.
- And?
- He stopped thinking I was Craig.
- Tom! Why can't you be straight with me?
All night, it's been, "By the way, we're
looking for Craig and he might be in trouble. "
And, "For dessert,
they're gonna kill us!"
Listen, in the trunk...
...there's the phone...
That was the detective's.
- you stole his phone?
- No, no! He dropped it.
- He dropped it.
- It gets complicated.
- Tom!
- Geena, I can't tell you everything because...
If I did, you'd leave.
Don't bother because
I'm leaving anyway.
Geena... Geena!
What?!
Craig McHugh.
- How good to find you in.
- I'm not Craig McHugh.
No, of course not.
you drive his car,
you answer his phone,
but still, you're not him.
Listen to me, I'm not Craig McHugh!
Nevertheless, it's
good to find you in.
Geena!
Geena!
Geena!
This is a big mistake!
Ahh!
Inside. Move, move!
Now get in the car.
- Stop!
- Get in the car!
Geena!
Tom!
Get up. Get up!
Lew, you don't know
who you're dealing with.
you have until 2am
to return my property.
The pot for the girl.
you know where I live.
Could you just
jog my memory a little?
2am, McHugh.
After that, I can't
guarantee her safety.
# I'm cooling' at a bar
# And I'm looking' for some action
# but like Mick Jagger says,
I can't get no satisfaction
# The girls are all around
# but none of them wanna get with me
# My friends are
fresh, I'm looking' def
# Yo, what's up with L.O.C.?
Do exactly what your
big brother says, huh?
"Stick to the plan, Tiger. "
Asshole!
# Funky cold Medina
# Funky cold medhna#
Oh, you dick!
- What the hell was that?
- What the hell was what?
There's somebody in there.
Want me to tell Sharpie?
Yeah. Tell him we've got McHugh.
Oh, man.
Craig, I need that vase now!
Shunt up!
I said, "Shunt up!"
Craig!
They took the tapes.
They weren't after the vase. They
were after what was inside the vase.
What was inside the vase...
...was a tape.
Look, Condon, I didn't complain when
you upped your price for protection.
I gave you a bonus when
you took care of Scheski.
Why are my people getting busted?
This anti-drug thing
is getting outta hand.
you gotta show results, Lew.
you want the FBI nosing around?
Condon the detective.
All right, McHugh, we
know you're in there.
He's not in there.
Listen up. Wilkins, Jesse!
you guys cover Sleepy Hollow.
Carver, Mitchell, Babbling Brook Way.
Hotchins, Romano, Bonny Meadow Lane!
Simpson, Lazy Bunny Hutch!
Don't take chances.
This is a war zone!
# I'm on my way
# I'm on my way
# Your lust hs getting hotter
Oh, damn it!
"James Wo Chong Lew. "
What a day! Your boyfriend
has caused me no end of grief.
He's not my boyfriend.
So there is a limit
to McHugh's charm.
Ben, Jerry, go get some ice cream.
Would you like anything?
Food? Something to drink?
This is kidnapping. you
could get in a lot of trouble.
I don't want to talk business.
I am tired of business.
Let's try to relax.
I can't relax. I'm a prisoner.
Sure you can.
you just need a little help.
Help me! Help!
- Oh.
- Help me.
Hi, Craig.
- Help me!
- Help you? I could help you.
On the other hand, if I don't,
all your friends, family and neighbours will
call up and order flowers for your funeral.
And I can make a lot of money!
I can make a lot of money on tips...
if I still had my job!
you stiffed me for my tip.
Fine, that's OK.
you try to run me off
the road... no problem!
I'm a flower boy!
It all comes with the territory.
What's your problem?
What's that? Did you say something?
I can't hear you.
Take that thing out of your mouth.
What's your problem?
you're my problem. you're
my problem! you're my...
No problem, no problem.
No problem, man. I'm fine.
I'm all right.
- What are you gonna do about it?
- I want a divorce!
Hi. I've got a flower
delivery for Mr Lew.
Flowers at two in the morning?
Yeah, no kidding. It's
some kind of emergency.
Emergency flowers?
Uh... hey, don't ask me, OK?
I think he wants to
impress some girl.
OK, right, right.
The girl, yeah.
Better get on up there then.
OK.
Thank you.
- Chalk one up for the good guys.
- Find the body?
Not yet. but the engineer
swears he hit him.
He found this on the track s.
- Kill a cop, kiss a train. Seems about right.
- Mr Sharpsteen? Be so kind?
Let's see what
Forensics has to say.
- What have you got, Katz?
- Strange ruminations from the trunk.
The Chinese gentleman was one Ho Wong.
A hit man for James Lew.
He was waiting in the trunk to kill
McHugh. Fired a single round...
through the trunk lid here.
Mistakenly felling peace
officer Albert Condon.
Wait a minute, that's got to be wrong.
McHugh killed Al.
Not so, my friend.
Ho Wong is our man.
He killed Officer Condon.
Judging by the leak in the exhaust,
I'd say Wong died of asphyxiation.
No, McHugh was no killer.
Hai! Hai!
2.30.
I'd say you were being stood up.
Come on.
you wouldn't want them
to come and find me dead.
I don't think you realise how
many friends I have in the police.
Please, sit down.
Hai!
Lew, if you do anything to me, you'll
never get that evidence you're after.
Evidence? What evidence
are you talking about?
Oh, I know all about it.
The evidence in the pot.
So McHugh did tell you.
That's too bad.
Yours will be an
honorable death, McHugh.
Hai! This sword has been in
my family for three centuries.
you asshole.
Honor? Shit! I'll kill
you with my bare hands.
Ah, Happy Birthday,
McHugh.
What the h...?
- Geena!
- Are you all right?
- I'm fine.
- Good.
Damn it, Tom! Or is it Craig?
No, it's Tom.
- You promised me another chance if I blew it.
- You blew it.
Come on!
Hands up, McHugh.
Hand over the tape, Craig.
- Don't. Once he has the tape, he'll kill us.
- I'll kill you anyway!
Do what you want with the window,
just leave the girl alone.
Lew, move and I drop your
precious pot. Lose the gun.
Go ahead!
Your boyfriend stole
everything that was valuable.
He had a fence to tell
him which ones to take.
Check the rest of the grounds.
Give me the tape.
Give me the tape!
Uh-uh-uh.
- I don't think so.
- Now who the heck are you?
I'm Craig McHugh.
Stop picking on my brother,
or I drop your heirloom.
We tried that already.
- Please.
- Craig, he doesn't want the vase.
- Tom...
- Craig, he doesn't want the vase!
Tom, I know a little more than you.
I set you up as my
alibi... which you fowled up!
- you don't want the vase?
- I have what I want.
If you'll excuse me,
I have to call the police.
A thief and his accomplices were
found shot here in self-defense.
- I made copies of that tape.
- What tape?
- you're bluffing.
- I did.
I can prove it. Give me the phone.
15 seconds.
No funny stuff, McHugh.
- Hi, I'm Richard.
- I'm Betty.
And that was Napoleon.
We're not home...
Look, Condon, I didn't complain when
you upped your price for protection.
I gave you a bonus when
you took care of Scheski.
Why are my people getting busted?
This anti-drug thing
is getting outta hand.
We gotta show results. you
want the FBI nosing around?
Condon.
Lie low for a few months, then we'll talk
to Sharpie and Doheny and cut a new deal.
Like I said, if the FBI gets
wind of this, we're all screwed.
Unbelievable. They're all in on it.
Don't like that copy? I made more.
If we don't return safely, I've left
instructions for the tapes to be sent to the FBI.
No Wa t, wa t, wa t, wa t
- Great, the police.
- Great, the police.
Nobody move, nobody gets hurt.
I'm glad you're here. He was
gonna kill us in cold blood.
Is that right?
- We've got evidence that'll put him away for life.
- you found the tape?
He's got it, but I
have a copy at home.
Only two? So you were bluffing.
Kill him. Finish him off
for me! Earn your payoff.
- you're the payoff cops?
- The payoff cops?
- This isn't fair.
- Shunt up!
- Who is this guy?
- It's McHugh, you idiot. Kill him!
- I'm not Craig McHugh!
- He's not Craig McHugh, I am.
- Positive, he's not Craig McHugh.
- Kill 'em both.
And the girl. One of
them must be McHugh.
McHugh's already dead.
In fact, he died a hero.
One of your pals killed Al.
Then McHugh killed him.
Then you, you killed McHugh.
And now, Lew, I'm gonna kill you.
- Kill me?
- That's what I said!
you kill for me. I say
who kills who. Kill them.
And while you're at
it, kill yourself.
They're getting away!
Freeze!
Nobody move
- Drop your weapons. you're under arrest.
- For what?
Bribery, extortion...
...and extreme stupidity.
Hey, why so glum?
you could thank me for
coming to your rescue.
Thanks, Craig. Thank
s for everything.
- What the hell's your problem, Tommy?
- What's my problem?
I spent my life being compared to my perfect
older brother and you don't even exist.
you're a lying, thieving, sociopathic
criminal. And I thought you were a lawyer.
Now we're splitting hairs, aren't we?
Get outta here. Take your S200
shoes, your stupid shirt.
I don't want anyone else to mistake me
for the legendary asshole Craig McHugh.
- you're an ingrate.
- Ingrate?
you almost got us killed.
I'm sorry. I guess I screwed up.
I put a little adventure
into your lives, that's it.
Go on, go back to your
safe, suburban homes.
And lock your doors
and watch your MTV.
but I'll tell you this munch,
when you're old, sitting on your
wrinkled asses, there'll be one night,
one date out of your whole boring lives
that you'll remember and it'll be tonight.
Oh, Tommy?
Don't tell Mom and Dad, all right?
I... want my tip,
Craig.
Hey, no problem...
...Dwight.
you're very strange, you know.
I still don't know a thing about you.
Good night.
I have some questions
before I say good night.
# Doo-do-do
doo-do-do
# Do-do
do-do
# Doo-do-do
do-do do-dooo
# Do-do-do
doo-do-do
Do-do-do
# Doo-do-do
doo-do-do
# Do-do
do-dooo
- Hi, I'm Richard.
- I'm Betty.
And that was Napoleon.
We're not home, but leave your name and
number and we'll call you back soon.
- Tom? Napoleon won! He's champion.
- Best dog in the show.
We'll celebrate when we get back.
Maybe let you have a beer
Napoleon wants too talk to you
Here, boy.
# You're so fine lose my mind
# And the world seems to disappear
# All the problems all the fears
# And the world seems to disappear
# Doo-do-do
doo-do-do
# Do-do
do-do
# Doo-do-do
do-do do-dooo
# Do-do-do
doo-do-do
# Do-do-do
# Doo-do-do
doo-do-do
# Do-do
do-dooo
# Girl say you're mine and give
yourself to the feeling that you know
# I'm needing all that you can give me
# All the things that you do so well
# Words are healing sweet anticipation
# Making spells as the shadows close in
# And fall across all our yesterdays
# You're so fine lose my mind
# And our world seems to disappear
# All the problems all the fears
# And our world seems to disappear
# You're so fine lose my mind
# And our world seems to disappear
# All the problems all the fears
# And our world seems to disappear
# disappear disappear
# disappear disappear
# disappear disappear disappear
# Doo-do-do
doo-do-do
# Do-do
do-do
# Doo-do-do
do-do do-dooo
# Do-do-do
doo-do-do
# Say if I could
# Look into myself and reason
# But I could never never see
# Or make sense of the dealings
# Turn around am I
looking at salvation?
# Make me realise all that I am baby
# You put the light inside this man
# You're so fine lose my mind
# And the world seems to disappear
# All the problems all the fears
# And the world seems to disappear
# You're so fine lose my mind
# And the world seems to disappear
# All the problems all the fears
# And the world seems to disappear
# You're so fine lose my mind
# And our world seems to disappear
# All the problems all the fears