Never Been Kissed (1999) Movie Script
(Catch a Falling Star
by Block playing)
Catch a falling star
and put it in your pocket
Never let it fade away!
Catch a falling star
and put it in your pocket
(woman) You know
how some movies have
a dream sequence,
only they don't
tell you it's a dream?
This is so not a dream.
It wasn't
supposed to be like this.
I was just
trying to do my job,
and then things happened.
My life happened.
And now I'm here.
Trust me,
I'm not the kind of girl
who does things like this.
Two months ago,
you couldn't have picked me
out of a crowd.
Hi. Call me.
Told you. I'm over there.
I was the youngest copy editor
at the Chicago Sun-Times.
Josie.
Hello.
"Theater"?
Standard American
calls for E-R.
Standard British, R-E.
So, unless you're
a pompous American,
I would go with E-R.
I had my own office,
unlimited stationery supplies
and a dedicated assistant.
How about this
awesome new phrase,
"Power is powerful."
Total T -shirt, right?
Amazing. what?
Can I get my messages?
Yeah.
Hey, seriously,
last time I saw you,
did I look fat?
OK, you hesitated.
No, it's case-closed.
Excuse me, Merkin,
there aren't any index cards,
so I can't do my notes...
Hey, hey,
hey, Merkin ain't jerkin'.
He's workin'. OK?
Take that to the bank.
It's power, baby.
Yeah, my boss.
I'm just a little tense.
This office is not feng shui.
All the desks are facing,
like, evil, you know?
Do you think
I should bleach my teeth?
Some sunshine
around the mouth?
Or maybe I should
just laser my gums.
Josie! Guess who I
did it with last night.
Roger from Op-Ed?
Ah! who told you?
You said yesterday,
"I have a date with
Roger from Op-Ed tonight,
"and I'm gonna do it
with him."
Septuplet story.
I need it by five.
Hopefully,
the copy's not a mess.
"It's hoped that
it's not a mess."
"Hopefully" means "with hope".
You have it
defining the copy, and I'm
pretty sure the copy
doesn't have feelings.
Hm.
So, Anita,
you and Roger in Op-Ed.
Oh, man, who told you?
Roger.
Really?
Don't make me
send you another memo
about my policy on
interoffice dating.
It's intra-office dating.
And they're not dating.
They're having sex.
Oh.
And what exactly is
your policy, Augustus?
That if you're
not getting any,
then no one can? Hm.
How many times
have I fired her?
Five or six.
Eight.
Gus,
did you get those story ideas
that I left on your desk?
Morning, Mr. Strauss.
The blind foster-home mother.
That was good.
I got Cahoon on it.
Oh, yeah, Cahoon. He's good.
Geller,
we've been through this.
You're a great copy editor.
Maybe my best copy editor.
You're not a reporter.
You've used five of my ideas.
Gus, please.
Everyone thinks he can write,
but a journalist
gets in there, where the
bombs are falling.
He's aggressive.
He grabs
the bull by the balls.
You don't think I can
grab a bull's balls?
You don't want
a reporter's life.
Trust me. They're very messy.
And you're all
about order and control
and getting me
my copy by five.
I can be out of control.
Copy by five!
Josie, maybe Gus has a point.
It's not gonna kill you
to relax and have some fun.
Hey, Roger's got this friend,
Marshall, in editing.
Maybe we could all
go on a double date.
Marshall, "the Duke"?
I swear to God,
Josie, come on.
Tell me, when is the last time
you went on a real date?
I'm concentrating
on my career now.
Do you own any
colored underwear?
Stripes or anything?
The right guy's out there.
I'm just not gonna
go kiss a whole bunch
of losers to get to him.
Yeah, but sometimes
kissing the losers
can be a really fun diversion.
Mm-hm!
when I finally get kissed,
I'll know.
If you've never kissed a guy,
we have bigger problems
than underwear.
I've kissed a guy.
I've kissed guys.
I just haven't
felt that thing.
"That thing"?
Is that what you kids
are calling it these days?
That thing. That moment
when you kiss someone
and everything
around you becomes hazy.
And the only thing in focus
is you and this person.
And you realize that
that person is the only person
that you're supposed to kiss
for the rest of your life.
And for one moment
you get this amazing gift.
And you wanna laugh
and you wanna cry...
cos you feel so
lucky that you found it
and so scared
that it'll go away,
all at the same time.
Damn, girl. You are a writer.
(watching the wheels
by John Lennon playing)
OK, I'm finished.
what do you guys think?
where do you
think it should go?
In the bedroom?
That's exactly
what I was thinking.
Perfect.
The meeting just began.
Let me start by saying
I was very impressed with
that investigative piece
that Dutton did on pesticides
in our supermarkets.
But since
the Trib did a piece on
the same subject,
only better, you're fired.
Huh?
Dutton, did you hear me?
You're fired. Out.
Close your cubicle.
Bye-bye, Dutton.
Hello, everybody
else still working here.
Let's celebrate by doing
another undercover feature!
Now,
you know that my inspiration
for these stories comes,
of course,
from my personal life.
I mean, who would
have thought that my foray
into the hair plugs
would have resulted in
last month's cover story?
"Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow."
A great story.
Last night I'm sitting home
with my family,
having dinner...
(Anita whispering) Roger.
..and my younger
boy starts to choke!
Then I realized my son
was allergic to peanuts.
I said to myself,
"Holy shit! I don't
even know my own kids."
"How much do we
know about these
"high-school kids?
what are they thinking?"
And then it hit me.
Boom!
"My Semester in High School."
You. what's your name?
J... J... Josie.
Jos?
Josie Geller.
Josie Geller,
you enroll Friday! Have fun!
The meeting just ended.
Josie. Josie!
..20-minute handstand.
Freaked the yogi right out.
Excuse me.
Josie...
Uh... It's really happening!
"My first undercover feature,
by Josie Geller"!
Josie, maybe you
should turn it down.
why?
You don't think I can do it?
No! It's just,
this is a lot of pressure
for your first piece.
This is not
a half-a-page article.
This is a major
undercover piece.
Look what Rigfort
just did to Dutton,
and he's his cousin.
Don't worry. I'm gonna
straighten this all out.
You guys don't
think I can do this?
we're not saying that.
when you wanted to seduce
the mailroom guy,
and you thought
you couldn't learn Spanish,
who quizzed you
on your verbs?
Seorita Josie.
Gus, when you wanted
to learn how to knit,
who showed you how
to work the needles?
You did.
You knit?
Yeah.
So this is my chance.
I'm not holding your
job for you, Geller.
Thank you!
OK...
Don't make me give you
my memo on
interoffice hugging.
Now comes the hard part.
Oh, my gosh.
You get to be 1 7 again.
wow.
OK, what's the first thing
you're gonna need?
You want Bambi? No way.
Rob, please.
why don't you just
borrow Mom's car?
I can't use a minivan.
I need a cheap car.
A vintage classic.
It's just for
a couple of months.
A couple of months is like
ten years in Bambi life.
It's so weird that
you name your cars.
why? Guys name their penises.
OK...
You can have
my Buick LeSabre and name it
anything you want.
Really?
LeSabre.
Nah, I don't think so.
Fully loaded.
Maybe.
wow, are those
shorts or a skirt?
They're gaucho pants.
I got them on sale.
Aloha. welcome!
Every customer
gets a free lei.
Relax, Monty.
It's just my sister.
Aloha, my ass.
Shake it easy, buddy.
Have you talked to
the admissions lady
from Lakeshore
Community College yet?
No.
But you could start
before next semester,
talk to her about
a baseball scholarship.
It's too late,
Josie, you know?
I'm not going to college.
I'm not playing
baseball anymore.
This is my life.
This is a luau that
sells packing material.
You had such a shot
at playing college ball.
You let one case
of mono stop you.
Don't you want to move
out of Mom and Dad's?
Pay your own bills?
why?
So I can be as happy as you?
I am happy.
Besides, you are looking at
the newest
undercover reporter
for the Chicago Sun-Times.
I am Josie Geller,
high-school student,
senior class 1 999.
Uh-uh.
You're kidding, right?
what?
Josie, do you
remember high school?
It was a long time ago.
Do you remember what
they called you
in high school?
..Grossie! Josie Grossie!
Josie Grossie! Josie...
Josie Grossie.
I know. I made it up.
I didn't know it was gonna
catch on like it did.
Oh, Josie, what's the matter?
You look nauseous.
Nauseated. I look nauseated.
(toilet flushes)
(She Bop
by Cyndi Lauper playing)
(laughter)
Hi, Billy. I noticed
that you weren't in
math class today,
so, um, I decided to take
some notes for you.
(Billy continues laughing)
This is a very bad idea.
(Seventeen
by Jimmy Eat world playing)
It's only in your dreams
But it felt like it was real
You're only
You're only seventeen
You're only
You're only seventeen
You're only
You're only seventeen
(Suburban Life by
Kottonmouth Kings playing)
Hey, feeling good.
"My name is Josie. I'm from
Scranton, Pennsylvania,
the Keystone State."
Hold it.
where are you going?
To high school, because
I'm a high-school student.
I'm here with my
fellow students.
Hey, guys. Hi.
Beeper, appears legitimate.
Computer organizer.
Recording device.
(Josie) I can
grab bulls' balls.
Appears legitimate.
This is
a projectile launcher.
That's a weapon.
(bell rings)
Class, today we have
the pleasure of exploring
the pantheistic culture
of India. India...
Hi, hello.
willkommen! Entrez, entrez.
I'm sorry I'm late.
well, I'm sorry
I forgot to take my
hot flash medication today.
Please sit. Josie, right.
Mi casa es su casa.
That is so sad.
I know. Five chickens
had to die just so she
could look stupid.
Josie, in my classroom,
tardiness is unacceptable.
I'm sorry.
Not as sorry as I am.
Ol!
Ten minutes in that,
you'll never be late again.
So let's hear
something about you.
Stand up. Stand up.
My name is Josie Geller.
I'm a high-school student.
I'm from...
((I Just)
Died In Your Arms
by Cutting Crew playing)
Billy?
Excuse me?
You live in "Billy"?
B-Bali. Uh, Billy-Bali.
Um, it's a suburb
of Bali proper.
Bali?
The island nation of Bali.
Fascinating. what did
your family do there?
Um, we were sheep...
Sheep farmers.
My family raised sheep.
(laughter)
Note to self: research Bali.
Kill Anita for
picking out this outfit.
Find and destroy sombrero.
(Cool Magnet
by Local H playing)
we sit here.
Yeah.
I'm sorry. I didn't
know they were assigned.
They're not.
Morning, everyone.
(girl) Morning.
I don't think we've met.
I'm Sam... Coulson.
The school has a thing about
letting you guys call me Sam.
I'm Josie. But I'm
pretty sure the school
would be OK with
you calling me that.
welcome to Shakespeare's
As You Like It.
As You Like It...
we can share.
..is an example of
Shakespearean...
Thank you.
..pastoral comedy.
Now, does anyone know
what that means?
Yeah, that's what
they do to milk.
No, Sera,
that's "pasteurize".
But it's close.
Parakeet?
OK, anyone else?
Josie.
"Pastoral" means
set in the country,
originally seen in
the Eclogues of Virgil.
It's from
the Latin "pascere",
"to graze".
(bleats like sheep)
(laughter)
Are you sure you're 1 7?
Yes. I'm 1 7.
I'm 1 7. Of course.
(Smash
by the Murmurs playing)
Excuse me.
what's in the coleslaw?
Thank you.
Leave.
Kirsten,
that bran muffin has,
like, 75 grams of fat.
Nah-uh.
Did I tell you that
Lisa has hemorrhoids?
Shot right up.
Hi.
Hi, Kristen.
It's Kirsten.
Oh. OK.
Oh!
well, that'll teach me
to wear white jeans
after Labor Day.
I don't think you're supposed
to wear white
jeans after 1 983.
Right. Right, right.
OK, so, like, what are
you guys' hopes and dreams?
Any interests?
Hi. I'm Guy.
Hi. Yes, you are a guy.
Quite a guy.
Oh, my. That rhymes.
Yikes. Bikes!
Are you in special ed?
I mean, are you?
I can't believe
he just said that.
He just said that.
I'm just gonna go.
Don't slip, honey.
Off the chart.
How old am I?
Oh, approximately
6,350 days old.
Now, that's subject
for adjustment for
month of birth.
OK, OK, thank you.
(Girls Move Their Butts
by Grandmaster Slice playing)
Hustle, hustle!
Come on, girls!
Geller, move it!
Pick up your feet!
Come on! A little
more commitment, Geller!
Move it! Come on!
what is...
Must have water.
what do I look like?
A waitress?
Now complete these sprints.
If you don't, you fail.
And if you fail gym,
you're never
getting into college.
You guys are still
telling that lie?
That does it, Geller.
Drop, give me 20.
No...
(groans)
Don't worry, Rob.
I put premium gasoline
in her.
Josie, I told you Bambi's
a cheap, regular girl.
wait a second.
what?
I'll call you later.
Josie... Don't hang up!
They do it to
all the new kids.
who's "they"?
Guy Perkins and
his amazing lemmings.
They push your car
out of its space,
hide it and watch
while you look for it.
I'm Aldys.
I'm Josie.
Aldys.
That's an interesting name.
when it's not yours.
My mom was going
through her
Harlequin Romance phase.
Tell me about it.
Try being named after
a guitar-playing pussycat.
Never mind.
would you like
to walk to Na-Na's
and get something to eat?
Yeah.
That would be really nice.
So, tell me, what are your
hopes and your dreams?
what do you wanna be?
Thank you.
Thank you.
I wanna be a professor
of medieval literature.
I wanna be a novelist.
I wanna be
a weekend flutist,
a potter, a painter.
I wanna be an architect
and I wanna go
to Northwestern.
I went there!
For what?
Um... Yes, once.
To use the bathroom.
Um... They had
a really nice facility.
(Uncle Bill's Ride
by Mister Jones playing)
(Josie) Oh, my God.
(mobile phone ringing)
Hello?
what the hell kind of story
are you pitching?
It's my dad. He worries.
Yeah, mine too.
Hi, Dad. I miss you, too.
You are one
sick puppy, Geller.
It's an expos on
cafeteria food.
Let me guess.
"The Terrible
Truth About Coleslaw."
The bulk of it will be
about the pimento loaf.
Geller,
you wanna be a reporter?
Take a look at what sells:
sex scandals,
bribery,
people jumping off buildings.
So unless a kid
killed himself cos
he was being paid
to have sex with
the school mascot
in a vat of coleslaw,
you got nothing.
Call me when you do.
They love to
disconnect the battery, too.
Here.
Thanks.
Just so that you know,
I think they recalled
these cars in 1 974.
Yeah, thanks.
Sure, no problem. Josie?
Yeah?
I was wondering,
how are you at calculus?
I'm good.
would you like to
join the Denominators?
we have these fun
pizza study groups
and go to these
all-county meets.
And I don't wanna sound
like the Godfather,
but we could offer
you a certain amount
of protection,
if you know what I mean.
That sounds great.
(Three Is a Magic Number
by Blind Melon playing)
3x10 is 30
3x9 is 27
3x8 is 24
3x7 is 21
3x6 is 18
3x5 is 1 5
3x4 is 12
And 3x3 is 9
And 3x2 is 6
And 3x1 is 3 of course
Now dig the pattern
once more!
3, 6, 9,
(dings bell)
"All the world's a stage,
And all the men and
women merely players."
Does anyone know what
Shakespeare meant by that?
Anyone?
It's about disguise,
about playing a part.
And that's the theme of
As You Like It.
Now, does anyone know
where we can see this?
Rosalind disguises
herself as a man,
and then escapes
into the forest.
Right. when she's in costume,
she can finally express
her love for Orlando.
Shakespeare's point is that
when we're in disguise,
we feel freer.
we do things we wouldn't do
in ordinary life.
Brett, what happens when
you go out on the football
field in uniform?
we kick ass!
You yell, you hit people.
You touch other guys' butts.
It's OK,
cos you're in uniform.
See, disguise
changes all the rules.
Tell you a story.
My first season
of peewee hockey...
well,
honestly, I was terrible.
I couldn't skate.
I was afraid to take a hit.
And my dad one day
bought me this
brand-new helmet,
signed by Gordie Howe.
Come on, guys. Gordie Howe!
OK, he was like
the Tiger woods of hockey.
Oh. All right.
Every time I put
on this helmet,
I feel invincible.
Suddenly, I skate harder.
I check people
left and right.
I even got thrown out of
a game once for fighting.
The point here is that
disguise can be liberating,
can get you
to do things that you
never thought possible.
And for Rosalind,
her male costume
opens the possibilities for
the great love of her life.
Josie, why don't you read
act five, scene two,
Rosalind's speech?
"No sooner they met,
but they looked.
"No sooner they looked,
but they loved.
"No sooner loved,
but they sighed.
"Does he notice me?
"Does he hear my heart
screaming his name?
(laughter)
"Sometimes it's so loud
I think that the gods
can hear my pain.
"His voice
is so mellifluous.
"If I could get
just one kiss."
(Heartbreaker
by Pat Benatar playing)
what have you
wanted for, like, ever,
but never,
ever thought would happen?
I'm the most
popular girl in school
and Billy Prince is
asking me to the prom.
Yes.
what?
Billy Prince is
asking you to the prom.
why?
I don't know.
The poem.
I knew he'd like the poem!
Billy Prince is
asking me to the prom?
That's what I'm saying.
Oh, my God! I'm...
I'm actually speechless!
I have no words!
That's never happened to me!
words are my life!
(bell rings)
Just a reminder,
your papers are due
next week.
(over PA) This is Sydney,
student body president.
No going to the library.
There's an asbestos problem.
Can I get into my locker?
(over PA) Now the prom.
Voting on the prom theme
is complete,
and the theme is...
"the Millennium"!
The prom is
going to be rufus.
what's "rufus"?
It's my new, cool,
hip word. Spread it
around like wildfire.
(group) Rufus!
what is it with
this school and prom?
South Glen South competes
every year for best prom.
(British accent)
The theme is everything,
so whatever we pick
has to be totally unique.
There's a land that I see
where the children are free
Come with me, take my hand
And we'll live
In a land where
the river runs free
In a land to a shining sea
And we'll be free
to be you and me
(Josie) what's that?
(Aldys) The old drive-in.
The Court.
It's just a continuous
party for Guy's group.
Hey.
Alpo, the dog park
is that way.
Go.
Last I checked,
this was a free country.
You're not seriously trying
to hang out at the Court.
Cheap wine coolers
and a fire in a trash can.
where do I sign up?
why don't you go home,
fickle around
on your calculator,
whatever you do,
and figure out
how many lifetimes
it's gonna take
you to get cool, OK?
Have you ever wanted
to go to the Court?
Are you kidding, Josie?
It's lame.
All they do is stand around
and get drunk. It's lame.
Yeah, it seems lame.
Yeah. It's very lame.
You said that.
The Court?
Josie, I am appalled.
Geez, I know. I mean, who'd
have known that these kids...
No! I am appalled because
I have a reporter in
there undercover,
for three weeks,
and I had to read
about this in the Trib.
You're right.
No, fold...
"1 7-year-old
Kristin Davis says
"'Yeah, everyone who's anyone
is at the Court on
Saturday night.'"
She's right. I have learned
that it is a popular place
for the kids to go.
This is where
the stories are.
You will become
friends with these people.
You will party with them.
You'll rave with them.
You'll get jiggy with them.
when they go to the prom,
you'll be in
the same damn limo!
Gus, listen.
The popular kids and I...
Do you even know these kids?
They hid my car.
Get to know them, very well!
Your job, and my job,
depends on it!
Um, by the way,
it's "depend" because
there's no S.
Your subject is plural.
Out!
Come on! Asses and elbows!
The news doesn't sleep,
you know!
(announcer)
A high hopper to
third base, but...
Yeah, baby! Mm! whoo!
Rob! You're making a mess.
Can you do this
at Mom and Dad's?
No, it's their turn
to do the Franklin Mint
potluck dinner.
But I made a pizza.
I can't do it.
what?
Damn! These are
high-school girls?
we got some underage hotties
on our hands here.
Gus wants me to be friends
with them, the popular kids.
It's impossible.
why?
You know what it was like
for me in high school.
All I wanted was
to be accepted.
And they just tortured me.
I can't go back to
South Glen South.
You're at South Glen South?
They have a killer
baseball team.
Focus, please.
OK, OK.
You're an adult now, Josie.
You're successful.
You graduated at
the top of your class.
You work for a newspaper.
You wash your hair now.
You're not Josie Grossie
anymore.
Don't you know how much
I just wanted to be you
in high school?
Just for one day
to know what it was
like to be popular.
It's not that hard, Josie.
All you need is
the right person,
one person to think
you're cool, and you're in.
Everyone will be too
scared to question it.
Is that true?
Yeah,
it's a little-known fact.
Don't you want to show 'em?
Gus, Billy Prince, yourself.
Don't you want to show 'em
the cool kids don't
freak you out anymore?
That you can go in there
and be friends with them
and get your story?
Yes, desperately.
Plus, if you quit now,
you're no better than me.
Better than I.
That's the spirit.
So let's hear it.
"I'm not Josie Grossie
anymore."
I'm not Josie Grossie
anymore.
That's it. Now scream it.
I'm not Josie Grossie
anymore!
That's good.
(Here we Go
by Stakka Bo playing)
Josie the Pussycat.
George?
what are you doing here?
Ah. Get in the van.
Go, go.
welcome to the love shack.
All right.
George, what's going on?
A little surveillance.
what are you doing?
Hidden camera.
wings?
Yeah.
That's great, but I
really should talk to Gus
about this first.
(over speaker)
Geller, stop being
a pain in the ass.
Gus?
No, it's
the great and powerful Oz.
You're in way over your head.
Here's how it's gonna work.
I review the tapes,
I find your story.
All right.
Battery, transmitter.
Plug it in.
Man.
There we go.
Good luck to you.
I don't believe
this. George?
Hm?
How are you so cool?
It's hard work.
Herbs, berries.
I'll be watching you.
All right, let's get
this party started. Yeah.
Come on, picture, come on.
There. Oh...
There. Ooh,
they didn't look that good
when I went to high school.
Kirsten, Kristin, Gibby!
what's up, girlfriends?
Ooh.
I'm OK.
That's gonna leave a mark.
"And so it is
Rosalind in disguise
"who is best
able to see through
the disguises of others.
"To say to Phoebe 'Mistress,
know thyself.'
"To look at love
from every angle.
"And to realize, finally,
that she is in
love with Orlando.
"To free both hearts,
not in judgment
but in equality. "
(Mr. Coulson)
That's really well written.
Showtime's over.
Come on, move it.
Back to work.
Gus, have you ever
been in love?
Leave.
Oh, give it up, Gus.
Come on. I'm just
making conversation.
Love...
who knows what that is?
Deadlines, circulation...
That I understand.
You know, you should go out
every now and then.
If you put on
a couple of new ties,
girls would be all over you.
(chuckles) Anita?
what?
Leave me alone.
I've got enough
work here to
last me all night.
I don't have
anything to do tonight,
so if you would
like some help,
I would love to help you.
No Roger from Op-Ed?
Nope.
Excuse me, do you guys think
that we could work out
some kind of schedule,
and I could work around it?
Hey. where's your sweatshirt?
Oh, I must have
forgotten it.
I have an extra
in my locker.
I'll go get it.
So, I'll see you tonight,
7.30, Na-Na's, right?
OK, right, 7.30.
Yeah.
(British accent)
I'm late for lab.
Ozomatli? Oh, yes.
This band is so good.
Have you heard
this band play?
I'll get my mom's car
and I'll drive.
This is gonna
be rufalicious!
No, Jason,
it's not a stick of gum.
It's "rufus". "Rufus."
(Cumbia de los Muertos
by Ozomatli playing)
You drinking tonight?
Uh, no.
I'm not 21. I'm 1 7, and I
still attend high school.
Two of you?
Josie! Josie.
Hi.
Out on a school night?
The bathroom was disgusting.
I'd like you to meet Lara.
His girlfriend.
She's visiting from New York.
Josie's one of my students.
How are you?
what?
Hi, there!
I'm sorry.
I can't even think in here.
No offence.
I know you love this.
I just hope you get it
all out of your system
before you move to New York.
My firm has season tickets
to the Met.
Oh, well, I love baseball!
(laughs)
Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you, too.
we are tomorrow.
Hello, I'm tomorrow.
Cos when we get the money
and the power,
the women come to me.
Do what I'm doin'. You know,
if you ain't movin',
no movement.
write that down.
welcome to my
little humble abode,
you know?
Let me just
handle my business.
wait a minute.
Got something funky.
(Cumbia de los Muertos
by Ozomatli playing)
That was great, you guys.
That was great.
(Cut Chemist Suite
by Ozomatli playing)
Excuse me? Can I sit there?
Yeah. we accept all people.
we are all about the love.
Come on and have a seat.
Thank you so much.
How are you?
Very well. How are you?
I'm feeling good.
I feel real good.
we have a special cake
for you.
Have some cake.
It's a special cake,
a ganja cake.
It has vitamin A, vitamin B,
vitamin T, H and C.
It's good for you.
Eat it up.
what?
Is that...? No, girl,
put it back. Just say no.
Mm!
Good, huh?
That is delicious.
You know,
I love chocolate.
She gonna get
tore off the floor!
Firecracker.
He was a firecracker!
Firecracker.
Man, I don't love her.
whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
I know this woman.
She's my superior.
what is that?
(Ozomatli member)
Let me hear you say "yeah"!
I'm telling you,
Rob, I think
I really did it.
I think I'm totally in!
I was so cool!
You know what's
a weird word?
"Fork."
Oh! Did I tell you about
the new friends I made?
I made friends with
a whole table of Rastafari.
Not just one.
A whole table!
Oh, my God.
Someone ate my entire pie.
I don't know
how that happened.
(snoring)
(Me, MySelf and I
by De La Soul playing)
Hi, Guy!
Guys, Guy's guys!
Hey, loser.
Oh, my God.
Loser!
what is going on up here?
Everybody goin' nuts?
Loser!
Loser.
All right,
all right,
look up, girl.
Jo-Jo, look up.
"Loser." See?
"Loser." Look!
Hello?
Yes!
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
whoa, calm down.
Just wash it off.
we're all cool.
what are you doin'?
(vomits)
I see you had
wheaties for breakfast.
(Josie vomits)
Bleuch. It's like
the All-Humiliation Network.
(toilet flushes)
(Like a Prayer
by Madonna playing)
when you call my name
It's like a little prayer
I'm down on my knees
I wanna take you there
In the midnight hour...
(phone rings)
Hello?
Oh, hi, Billy.
OK, I'll be out
in a jiffer.
Have fun.
OK, thanks.
Bye-bye!
Hi, Billy!
write a poem
about this, geek!
(Mom) Josie?
Is that you, honey?
(Rob) Josie, get up.
Josie, are you OK?
Josie.
Are you crazy?
what are you doing here?
I just registered.
Check it out.
Manufactured
at the Tiki Post.
Can you do that?
I just did.
Jose, this is it.
This is my ninth inning.
The game isn't over.
I just thought it was.
See, if I get
on the South Glen
baseball team,
the right scout sees me,
I'm in the minors.
It's game time!
But you're 23 years old.
Yeah, with the reading
comprehension
of a 1 5-year-old.
Plus, I'm popular.
You wanna be popular.
I recognize a cry for
help when I see one.
Hear one.
whatever.
That is so like you.
You know,
you can't just
come in here
and be popular
in just one day.
Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob!
I'm the coleslaw
king of the world!
Dude, you rock, man.
He is so hot.
Hi.
Hey.
I'm Tracy. I'm 1 6.
I'm a gymnast.
I don't have a boyfriend.
Cool.
Josie?
where were you last night?
I was really worried.
what?
You know,
last night at 7.30?
Na-Na's? I kept calling you,
but I just got your machine.
I don't even know
your parents' line.
I was really worried.
I'm sorry.
I must have forgot.
Maybe you should forget
about sitting with us, too.
Let's make some
money for the prom!
(Brett) Mr. Coulson! Oh!
(Standing By
by willis playing)
watch your step.
where's your partner?
I don't have one.
Lonely ride
in bucket five!
Single!
(Josie) Do you have
to yell it like that?
Sure, I do.
Thank you.
watch your step.
Is this seat taken?
Thank you.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
whoa!
(Mr. Coulson) whoa.
Are you scared?
Uh, well,
I'll tell you
something here.
I hope this doesn't
undermine my position as
an authority figure, but...
I'm a little
afraid of heights.
You're afraid of
the Ferris wheel?
Actually,
it's the plunging
headfirst
into the crowd part
that kind of gets me.
I bet if you had
your Gordie Howe helmet
on you'd feel better.
Hey, you remember
that story?
I remember
everything you say...
in your classroom.
If the bucket's a-rocking,
don't come a-kn-kn-knocking!
Yeah! Yeah!
Boys.
I know.
(youth) Mr. Coulson
rocks my world!
I'd like to tell you that
we all grow out of it.
It's a lie.
Some of us will
always be rattling cages.
why do you do that?
I don't know.
what's scary is that
when you get older,
it gets more confusing.
I mean, you know Lara,
my girlfriend you
met at the club?
we've been going out
for five years,
and now she wants me
to move to New York.
And, you know,
I mean, I should do it.
You know,
make the commitment
and grow up.
I know we have
our differences.
I shouldn't be talking about
this stuff with you.
I'm sorry.
It's nice to have
someone to talk to.
Yeah, same here.
when you're my age,
guys will be
lined up around
the block for you.
You have to say that
cos you're my teacher.
Actually, I shouldn't
say that because
I'm your teacher.
Oh.
Josie Geller? No way.
(Rob) Yeah.
She dated
the drummer from
the Big Bad Voodoo Daddys?
I've always wanted to
be a drummer. Always.
And then she dumped him
for the drummer...
All right, that's it.
Just water
and Ex-Lax till prom.
It's all about hydration.
Did you guys
know that Josie's dad
invented Ex-Lax?
She's, like, the heiress
to the Ex-Lax fortune.
Shut up.
No, it's true.
She spends all of
her extra time
with her family
on a yacht in
the South of France.
wow.
(cheering)
Quick hands,
quick hands.
Here we go.
who's a winner?
Focus. Good work, good work.
Easy, easy. Good work.
Thanks for showing
me that new grip.
It totally
changed my swing, man.
No problem.
Hey, what's goin' on?
You guys know
Josie Geller?
I know her.
You mean Loser?
Nah, man,
she's cool.
I used to go
out with her, man.
what?
She dumped me.
we're still good friends.
Really?
Hey, wait.
Like, how good?
Good friends.
Good good?
She is amazing.
All right, guys.
As you've probably noticed,
this certainly isn't English.
Um...
we've combined a few classes
today here for the seminar.
Hopefully,
the speaker will be
here any minute now.
Hi.
Hey! Oh, hi.
Uh...
You're here for
the sex talk?
well... I like a man
who gets right to the point.
Are you Pam?
If you say so.
OK.
This is Pam Kitterman.
She's leading us in
our sex discussion.
what? what?
Yes. Come on.
No, I'm... what?
I am not...
Oh, I am.
Right, that's correct.
Hi, I'm Pa...
I'm Pam. Hi.
Um, sex...
well, yes, sex...
Um, what do
you say, you know?
Uh... you like a guy,
you do it with him.
Sometimes he calls,
sometimes he doesn't.
whoo!
(nervous chuckle)
Oh.
Hi.
what are you doing here?
I came by to say hello.
Oh, my God,
your teacher is
such a fox!
He's coming back.
Um, why don't we
talk about that later?
And I just wanna say
that the burning
sensation is totally normal.
Ew!
Sex is really fun.
when you're old enough,
which none of you are.
I should know.
Cos when you lose it to
some guy named Junior
with bad breath
in the back of a van,
you're gonna wish
you'd listened to your mom
when she said
"Nobody will buy
the ice-cream truck
"when you're handin' out
the Popsicles for free."
Any questions?
Oh, I know it's hard.
I mean, difficult.
Difficult.
But safe sex is
really important.
OK, so just imagine
that the bananas
are the real thing.
In a land called
Every Man's Fantasy.
God, I can't do this.
(Josie) Maybe because
we're not supposed to be
having sex with bananas.
Do you really think she
hooked up with Rob?
They're so different.
Sometimes opposites attract.
You know what, though?
I feel like I'm
really ready to do it.
You know, like,
have sex for the first time.
It's a big deal.
I know.
Just make sure
you've found
the right person.
You know,
Adelie penguins,
they spend their whole lives
looking for that
one other penguin.
And when they
meet them, they know.
And they spend the rest
of their lives together.
But I'm not a penguin.
It's an analogy.
(girls chuckle)
Excuse me.
I have to go die now.
(over PA) Hey, kids,
Sydney here.
Bad news about the prom.
East Glen East is gonna
do "Millennium", too.
what? Oh, my God.
(Mr. Coulson)
Calm down.
Calm down!
Calm down! Sit!
Let's focus, all right?
It's prom theme.
All we need is a new idea.
Ooh! How about
"Under the Sea"?
(boy) Yeah, right.
It's been done.
How about "the '80s"?
(class boos)
what do you think we are?
Amateurs?
All right.
All right.
Josie.
That's not a theme.
Thank you. No.
OK,
Josie will have the answer.
How about
"Meant for Each Other"?
Famous couples
throughout history.
Absolutely.
Absolutely!
Oh, we love it.
That is so brilliant.
(Heaven Tonight
by Hole playing)
Here comes a sign
in the form of a girl
She's the finest,
sweetest thing in the world
Oh, take you
to Heaven tonight
I feel the horses
coming galloping
In the summer ends
Take you to Heaven tonight
Oh, 'cause I love you
For what you are
(Josie and Sam laugh)
Tonight, tonight we'll ride
I'll give it to you
we'll go to Heaven tonight
Tonight
Here, try these.
No, Gus, listen.
It is a great story.
They keep the tags on,
and then they
return the clothes
after they've worn them.
(click/dial tone)
Gus?
Hi.
what's up?
I was just looking
at this cardigan.
Isn't it cool?
Oh, yes.
Oh, my God.
Like, there goes
another lemming.
I can't believe
that I could be happy
Summer will come again
I could be happy
Oh, stop your crying
You could be happy
Go to Heaven
when you make me happy
Good play!
Good play!
Go, sexy boy!
You guys,
victory dance.
Oh, yeah.
(Rob) Rager party, tonight
at my house, baby. Yeah!
Yeah! whoo!
Great play, Rob.
You might be just
what South Glen needs
to win State this year.
will I play in
the championship game?
You'll start at shortstop.
I don't wanna put
extra pressure on you,
but some pro
scouts will be there.
Thanks, Coach Romano.
You're welcome.
Just glad to be
part of a team again.
Josie, you have
totally transitioned.
Transitioned?
Yeah, you crossed over.
Into our group.
It's hard.
People go through high school
trying to transition
and never make it.
wannabes.
Guy is totally
crunching on you.
Do I wanna be crunched?
By Guy?
Oh, yeah.
(Peppy Rock by BTK playing)
Josie!
Hi.
"Splendiferous"?
Totally!
I'm not going to her again.
She calls that a pedicure?
She wants me.
(sobbing)
(Rigfort) Bye. Out.
Night. Bye. Miss Haskell
is gone and forgotten.
Next: Sack races
at the company picnic,
yes or no?
Sorry I'm late.
I love that top.
Thank you.
So cute.
It's all about horseshoes.
Excuse me,
I'm trying to get
to a tennis game.
what is the status
of your story?
Oh, great.
Totally rufus.
Is there
something I could see?
(mouths) Rufus?
I have some notes.
I don't need your notes.
I need your story.
Though I must speak
for all of us here.
I have seen your tapes.
Compelling stuff.
But I want
the story in two weeks.
Two weeks,
Miss Geller.
Or I'll rufus you
right outta here.
I think you're gonna
be a great reporter.
But if you aren't,
you and Gus are fired.
Next order of business:
marketing department,
yes or no?
(Never You Mind
by Semisonic playing)
Party's at Rob's!
Josie.
Hello, you guys.
Hi.
I'm Rob's prom date.
Really?
Yeah.
Oh, my God. wow!
Yeah. Yeah,
she's 1 6 years old, Rob.
I know, and a gymnast.
It's totally illegal,
and I'll tell you why.
The following reasons are...
Hi.
Hi.
Hey, dude.
I gotta talk to you.
Please come here.
I'll see you
around the cellblock,
Mrs. Robinson.
Hey, Rob.
what do you wanna be
when you grow up?
Ball player.
No, I know,
but, I mean,
what if you don't make it?
I mean,
you don't wanna be
working at the mail place
for the rest
of your life.
It's OK for an after-school
job and all,
but "Hi, I'm Rob,
and I run the Tiki Post"?
Totally lame!
what is this?
Like a lemon-meringue pie
color or something?
It's... Ugh.
You know what?
Maybe we should go
into another room.
I've checked every
one of these rooms.
There's, I mean,
serious couples in there.
This is fine.
This is fine.
Someone's gettin'
hooked up!
Yeah, baby!
(Guy chuckles)
wow.
Rob's sister is a loser.
Yeah.
Um...
Please come here.
I need to talk to you
about something.
It's a comfy bed.
OK.
Feel it.
It's nice.
It's nice.
Uh...
I know that you've
probably already heard
that I want to
ask you out to prom.
But there's
something different
about asking in person.
I know that we
didn't hit it off
in the beginning.
And I really...
Yes.
Yes.
That's rufus.
Uh... where do I
pick you up?
How do we arrange this?
what do I do?
we can meet
here at Rob's,
and we can all share
a limousine together.
Thank you.
Have a good evening.
And thank you.
(At My Most Beautiful
by R.E.M. playing)
Hey, Jose.
Hey, Rob.
Lookin' good, guys.
Josie, Robster,
rufus kegger.
Man, you were wasted.
This is so unbelievable.
I've waited my
whole life to fit in,
and I finally feel like I do.
You do.
(Gibby) Hey, Rob.
Hey, Josie,
who did Archie date?
Betty or Veronica?
Both.
See?
I always liked Betty better.
Really?
Yeah,
Betty was so
fun and spunky.
I mean,
Veronica had
the great legs.
She was too moody.
Very high-maintenance.
You can't refuse to
sell me a ticket to prom.
Listen, Alpo.
we can do
whatever we want to.
Like, I get it.
You guys don't know
how to count change.
Oh, my God.
I'll make it easy.
Here's the money.
I'm taking the ticket.
Oh, my God.
She was mocking us.
Did you see that?
we gotta
make her dog food.
She is going down.
There.
Oh. I got you a meeting
with the admissions guy
from Dartmouth.
Dartmouth?
But I wasn't
gonna go to college.
No, I pulled some strings,
and I got him to
look at your writing,
and he agreed
to meet with you.
You believe in me
that much?
Of course I do, Josie.
You owe it to yourself,
to your writing,
to go to college.
You are a great writer.
You just have to
find your story.
He is your story.
You're crazy. No!
No. No.
what do you mean, no?
It's got it all.
Sex, intrigue, immorality
in the education system.
He's my teacher.
Yeah, that's the best part.
"Student-teacher relations:
how close is too close?"
we're gonna blow
the lid off it!
There's no lid.
There's nothing
going on between Sa...
Mr. Coulson and me.
Everyone is
in here every day,
watching you two.
It's like
The Young and the Restless.
Rigfort is
salivating over it.
You pitched this
to Rigfort?
Josie, this isn't a joke.
You heard Rigfort.
Both our asses
are on the line.
Now, this is the story.
Call me when
you've got it.
(doorbell)
Josie, you look so...
Rufus?
Yes, exactly.
Major rufus.
what are you
supposed to be?
Duh!
Tom Cruise,
Risky Business.
(laughs)
That's nice.
Thank you for
everything, Rob.
It's all really happening,
and I know it's
because of you.
My wallet. Shit.
where are you
gonna put it?
Come on, beautiful.
Let's go.
Hey, how you doin'?
Hello?
If you don't hurry,
we'll miss the whole thing.
we'll talk.
(Nowhere Slow
by Home Grown playing)
Oh, my God.
You totally ripped off
my Malibu Barbie idea!
Uh-uh.
I'm Disco Barbie.
And I'm Evening Gown Barbie.
(gasps) Josie, darling,
you look rufus.
who are you guys?
Don't tell me.
You're Medieval Barbie?
Get over it.
we're Rosalind and Orlando.
Shakespeare?
Look, I get to
have a sword.
Oh, my God,
that is so awesome.
Rad! That is so rad.
(Rob) I want a sword.
(Bitter
by The Pietasters playing)
(Rob) All right,
look at this place!
(Josie) Beautiful.
Come on,
let's dance.
I'm Tom Cruise.
This is the most
beautiful prom
I've ever been to.
work, Merk,
work, Merk, work it.
Great.
what are you doing?
Practicing my
surprised face for when
they name prom court.
Oh, sorry, there's
no room at this table.
It's just
too bad for them.
wait, I forgot.
A little surprise for you.
Did I miss the crowning?
No, but I'm
closing the pool.
Josie's odds are 3-1,
and even money that
that kid pokes
himself with the sword.
whoa!
OK, maybe we
should sit down.
OK.
OK. whoa.
Are you having fun yet?
Uh, yeah.
Good.
Definitely.
Guess what.
what?
Gibby gave me champagne!
That's nice.
Yeah.
Rob? I've been thinking.
And I think...
I mean, I know
you're the one.
Oh.
My penguin.
I want you to
be my first.
Once the floor
stops spinning,
let's have sex.
You're gonna hurt yourself.
Put that down.
All right.
Tell you what, Tracy.
what?
I'm flattered,
but I say
I'm gonna go
get some more punch,
then we'll go on
the dance floor
and boogie.
That's good.
(Rob) No! Uh-oh!
Help! I'm stuck.
(Sera) Brett!
(group)
The Denominators
are here!
whoo!
(group) Make way
for the Denominators!
You guys,
what is the one thing
that could ruin
my senior prom?
That you would trip
on your Barbie heels
and I'd be named prom queen.
Did I just
say that out loud?
whoo!
So, who are you
supposed to be?
Other than freaks?
Yeah.
we're DNA.
Double helix?
But I guess you'd
actually know that
if you passed bio.
No, no,
don't touch the hydrogen.
It's rented.
Yo, yo,
ladies and gentlemen,
give it up for Mr. Coulson
and Miss Knox!
(cheers)
OK, OK, enough.
Our 1999 prom court.
And the princesses are,
Miss Kristin Davis...
Miss Kirsten Leosis
and Miss Gibby Zarefsky.
And the princes are:
Mr. Thomas Salamey...
Mr. Jason way...
and Mr. Rob...
Mr. Rob.
Mr. Rob!
(Miss Knox) Mr. Rob.
That's me!
Yeah!
whoo!
(Miss Knox) Next up,
South Glen 's prom king,
Guy Perkins.
And this year's prom queen.
Ladies and gentlemen...
(Look who's Perfect Now
by Transister playing)
Josie Geller!
Yeah!
I knew you could
do it, girl.
And as is custom,
the king and the queen
will now have
their first dance.
(Erase/Rewind
by The Cardigans playing)
I never made it
to my prom.
Really?
I only made it to
the parking lot.
Tell me what
you're thinking.
I was thinking
about Shakespeare,
how he described
a night like this.
"Look how the floor of heaven
is thick inlaid with
patines of bright gold."
what are you
thinking about?
My sword.
Oh.
Josie,
you rock my world.
You're, like,
the most amazing girl
that I've ever dated.
You're so fun to be with.
You're smart,
you're crazy.
You are...
You rock my world.
You said that already.
Yeah.
Erase and rewind
'Cause I've been
changing my mind
I've changed my mind
Is this chocolate? OK.
Hey.
Hi.
wow, you make a really
beautiful prom queen.
Really?
Thanks. So do you.
I always feel like
kind of a goofball
in these penguin suits,
Iike I'm at
my own wedding.
Do you...
Do you wanna...
OK.
Hello.
Aldys, I figured
that since it's prom,
Iet's put all
the shit behind us.
I would love nothing more
than to dance with you.
(Please, Please, Please,
Let Me Get what I want
by the Smiths playing)
All right.
That's, of course,
if it's OK with the rest
of the double helix.
Yes? OK.
You know, it's funny.
Proms always make
me a little sad.
They're so final,
you know?
Graduation,
everyone scattering,
moving on.
Is your girlfriend here?
No. No, I'm alone.
In fact,
we broke up last week.
Really?
That's funny
because, actually,
"prom" comes from
"promenade",
and you can't
promenade alone, can you?
You're amazing,
Josie Geller.
Have you thought about
Dartmouth any more?
Yes.
And there's something
that I wanna tell you.
No, no, no.
Not now, not now!
There's something
I wanna tell you, too.
No! No!
I knew it!
You are a loser!
You ruined everything!
You so do not
deserve to be prom queen!
Let me tell you something.
I don't care about being
your stupid prom queen.
I'm 25 years old!
I'm an undercover reporter
for the Chicago Sun-Times.
And I have been
beating my brains out,
trying to impress you people!
Let me tell you something,
Gibby, Kirsten, Kristin.
You will spend your lives
trying to keep others down
because it makes you
feel more important!
why her?
Let me tell you
something about this girl.
She is unbelievable.
I was new here,
and she befriended me,
no questions asked.
But you,
you were only my friend
after my brother Rob
posed as a student
and told you to like me.
Robby Rob?
Ew.
All of you people,
there is a big
world out there.
Bigger than prom,
bigger than high school,
and it won't matter
if you were the prom queen
or the quarterback
of the football team
or the biggest nerd
in school.
Find out who you are
and try not to
be afraid of it.
Excuse me.
whoo! whoo! Yeah!
wow, that was
just like Carrie.
I thought she was
gonna kill us all.
All right, you guys.
Go, Rams!
All right.
Can somebody take
the Alpo girls outside
and hose 'em off?
South Glen,
class of 1999,
are you ready to party?
we lost the feed.
Gus is goin' nuts.
He's calling
every five minutes.
Did you get the story?
No.
Tell me you got
something on Coulson.
No!
I'm just gonna go.
So... Surprise.
"Surprise",
you were doing
a story on me?
No, I couldn't.
I mean, "surprise",
I was hoping...
what?
what?
You were hoping what?
That I'd be happy?
Because suddenly
I was allowed to be
attracted to you?
You were attracted to me?
Goddamn it.
You set me up
for a story.
No, I... I...
Just drop the act.
OK?
I mean, every word
out of your mouth
has been a complete lie.
I don't know you at all.
Look, if we
could just spend
some time together,
you could
get to know me again.
wait, please
don't walk away.
I just can't look
at you the same way.
Rob.
Hey, Josie.
I came by to check on you.
I was worried about you.
Really?
No, not really.
Not really, Josie.
How could you
do this to me?
I helped you.
I got you everything
you wanted.
And you repay me by
blowing everything
two days before
the championship!
I wasn't even thinking.
No, you weren't.
Did it occur to you
that the only time
I've been happy in
the past five years
is when I'm playing ball,
when I'm part of a team?
Josie, it's not even
about playing.
I taught those guys things.
I helped 'em.
My life had meaning.
I...
Just forget about it.
It's over.
Back to the Tiki Post.
Totally lame.
"Josie Geller
Blows Her Cover."
And we were scooped.
we've got nothing. Zippo.
Josie,
you totally and completely
screwed both of us.
Maybe I could
talk to Rigfort.
Tell him the whole story.
You know,
I'll tell you a story, OK?
It's about this
shy copy editor
who makes a total mockery
of herself and her boss
when she completely
botches her first
assignment as a reporter.
we are not screwed.
Yes, I made a mistake.
But we will
have a story, OK?
You will have
an amazing story.
Please.
Oh, please.
Oh, please.
(Closer to Myself
by Kendall Payne playing)
Excuse me, gentlemen,
I suggest you cover up
what you don't want seen.
Thank you.
Coach Romano?
Yeah?
I'm Josie Geller
from the Chicago Sun-Times.
I have a favor
to ask you.
Do you know
the sports guy,
Jim Lakin?
Sure, everybody
tries to get Big Jim
to come watch
their games. why?
what if I told you
that I can guarantee you
that Big Jim
and every other
reporter in the area
would cover your game?
I'd say you
could have whatever
you wanted, young lady.
Someone once told me
that to write well,
you have to
write what you know.
This is what I know.
I am 25 years old,
and I have never really
kissed a guy.
A geek to the core,
most of my childhood
was spent
doing extra homework
I requested from the teacher.
High school was
more of the same.
Then, at 1 7,
it seemed as if my luck
was about to change.
The cutest guy asked me
to the senior prom.
But it turned out
he invited me
as a cruel joke,
and I have
never fully recovered.
Yes, it is embarrassing
to share this with the world.
But it would be
hard to explain
what I learned
and how I learned it
without sharing this
humiliating history.
I received an assignment,
my first as a reporter,
to go back
to high school and find out
about kids today.
what I ended up finding
was myself,
and that high school
hasn 't changed.
There's still that
one teacher who marches
to her own drummer.
Those girls are still there,
the ones that,
even as you grow up,
will remain
the most beautiful girls
you have ever seen close up.
The smart kids,
who everyone else
knew as the brains,
but I just knew them
as my soul mates,
my teachers, my friends.
And there's still
that one guy,
with his
mysterious confidence,
who seems so perfect
in every way.
The guy you get up
and go to school for
in the morning.
South Glen
would not have been
the same without him.
High school
would not have been
the same without him.
I would not have
been the same
without him.
I lived a lifetime of regret
after my first
high-school experience.
And now, after my second,
my regrets are down to one.
A certain teacher
was hurt on my path
to self-discovery,
and, although this article
may serve as a step,
it in no way makes up
for what I did to him.
To this man,
you know who you are,
I am so sorry.
And I would like to
add one more thing...
(knock on door)
Movers.
Hang on a second.
I think I am
in love with you.
And so I propose this,
as an ending
to this article,
and perhaps a beginning to
the next chapter of my life,
I, Josie Geller,
will be at the state
championship baseball game,
where my friends,
the South Glen Rams,
are playing for the title.
I will stand on
the pitcher's mound
for five minutes,
prior to the first pitch.
If this man
accepts my apology,
I ask him to come kiss me
for my first real kiss.
Look over here!
Josie! Josie!
Thank you all for coming.
(Anita) Josie!
Oh, my God. There's so
many people here.
They're behind you.
They feel like
they know you.
It's romantic,
and they wanna be
a part of it.
I'm glad that
you guys are.
Oh, Anita!
Sweet Jesus,
I had no idea there'd be
this many TV crews here.
You held up your
end of this bargain.
Now get out there
and get him!
(smacks)
(crowd) Josie!
Josie! Josie!
Josie! Josie!
Josie! Josie!
Josie! we love you!
Thank you.
May I have
five minutes on
the clock, please?
Hi!
wieners!
I got hot wieners.
Hi, Mr. Rigfort.
Get in your own row!
I got wieners here.
Give 'em to me.
Thank you, Gus.
Have a wiener.
I love this.
Sun-Times readers
out here en masse,
relating personally to
one of our reporters.
It's amazing,
isn't it?
Eight, seven...
That is so wrong.
wait.
Mr. Coulson!
(cheering)
(Don't worry, Baby
by the Beach Boys playing)
well, it's been
building up inside of me
For, oh, I don't
know how long
Yeah, Mr. Coulson!
Yeah!
I don't know why
But I keep thinking
Something's bound to go wrong
But she looks in my eyes
And makes me realize
And she says
Don't worry, Baby
Everything will
turn out all right
Don 't worry, Baby
Sorry I'm late.
It took me forever
to get here.
I know what you mean.
She makes me come alive
And makes me wanna drive
when she says
Don't worry, Baby
Everything will
turn out all right
Don 't worry, Baby
All right.
Attagirl.
All right,
let's play ball, kids!
Come on!
She told me
Baby, when you race today
Just take along
my love with you
And if you knew
how much I loved you
Baby, nothing
could go wrong with you
Oh, what she does to me
when she makes love to me
(Innocent Journey
by Sonichrome playing)
Love is an innocent,
innocent journey
Love is the cancer,
love ain't benign
Love is what keeps you
going all the time now
Love it, don't leave it,
don't leave it behind
Love is for free
when people like me
Crossing the seas,
to look for that someone
Love is for free
when people like me
Set their sights on you
I'll know what to do
Love is what I came for
Love is what's in store for
Love is an innocent,
innocent journey
Love is a cancer,
love ain 't benign
Love is what keeps you
going all the time now
Love it, don 't leave it,
don 't leave it behind
Love is for free
when people like me
Crossing the seas,
looking for that
special someone
Love is for free
I've got eyes to see
Looking for someone
Love could come along
Love is what
you're waiting for
Love is what you came for
Love is an innocent,
innocent journey
Love is the cancer,
love ain 't benign
Love is what keeps you
going all the time now
Love it, don 't leave it,
don 't leave it
Love it, don 't leave it,
don 't leave it behind
(Until You Loved Me
by the Moffatts playing)
Monday morning
came too soon
I think about you now
Layin ' in my room
Hearing everything you said
I play it back
A hundred times in my head
Then I slip into a dream
The feelin ' inside
Is ten stories high
Never knew what love was
Until you loved me
Never knew what love was
Oh, yeah
'Cause it feels
so good sometimes
Don 't you know
it feels so bad sometimes,
The way you loved me,
loved me
The way you loved me,
loved me
You know that I want you
You know that I need you
Never knew what love was
Until you loved me
Never knew what love was
Oh, yeah
'Cause it feels
so good sometimes
Don't you know
it feels so bad sometimes
The way you loved me,
loved me
The way you loved me,
loved me
English - US - PSDH
by Block playing)
Catch a falling star
and put it in your pocket
Never let it fade away!
Catch a falling star
and put it in your pocket
(woman) You know
how some movies have
a dream sequence,
only they don't
tell you it's a dream?
This is so not a dream.
It wasn't
supposed to be like this.
I was just
trying to do my job,
and then things happened.
My life happened.
And now I'm here.
Trust me,
I'm not the kind of girl
who does things like this.
Two months ago,
you couldn't have picked me
out of a crowd.
Hi. Call me.
Told you. I'm over there.
I was the youngest copy editor
at the Chicago Sun-Times.
Josie.
Hello.
"Theater"?
Standard American
calls for E-R.
Standard British, R-E.
So, unless you're
a pompous American,
I would go with E-R.
I had my own office,
unlimited stationery supplies
and a dedicated assistant.
How about this
awesome new phrase,
"Power is powerful."
Total T -shirt, right?
Amazing. what?
Can I get my messages?
Yeah.
Hey, seriously,
last time I saw you,
did I look fat?
OK, you hesitated.
No, it's case-closed.
Excuse me, Merkin,
there aren't any index cards,
so I can't do my notes...
Hey, hey,
hey, Merkin ain't jerkin'.
He's workin'. OK?
Take that to the bank.
It's power, baby.
Yeah, my boss.
I'm just a little tense.
This office is not feng shui.
All the desks are facing,
like, evil, you know?
Do you think
I should bleach my teeth?
Some sunshine
around the mouth?
Or maybe I should
just laser my gums.
Josie! Guess who I
did it with last night.
Roger from Op-Ed?
Ah! who told you?
You said yesterday,
"I have a date with
Roger from Op-Ed tonight,
"and I'm gonna do it
with him."
Septuplet story.
I need it by five.
Hopefully,
the copy's not a mess.
"It's hoped that
it's not a mess."
"Hopefully" means "with hope".
You have it
defining the copy, and I'm
pretty sure the copy
doesn't have feelings.
Hm.
So, Anita,
you and Roger in Op-Ed.
Oh, man, who told you?
Roger.
Really?
Don't make me
send you another memo
about my policy on
interoffice dating.
It's intra-office dating.
And they're not dating.
They're having sex.
Oh.
And what exactly is
your policy, Augustus?
That if you're
not getting any,
then no one can? Hm.
How many times
have I fired her?
Five or six.
Eight.
Gus,
did you get those story ideas
that I left on your desk?
Morning, Mr. Strauss.
The blind foster-home mother.
That was good.
I got Cahoon on it.
Oh, yeah, Cahoon. He's good.
Geller,
we've been through this.
You're a great copy editor.
Maybe my best copy editor.
You're not a reporter.
You've used five of my ideas.
Gus, please.
Everyone thinks he can write,
but a journalist
gets in there, where the
bombs are falling.
He's aggressive.
He grabs
the bull by the balls.
You don't think I can
grab a bull's balls?
You don't want
a reporter's life.
Trust me. They're very messy.
And you're all
about order and control
and getting me
my copy by five.
I can be out of control.
Copy by five!
Josie, maybe Gus has a point.
It's not gonna kill you
to relax and have some fun.
Hey, Roger's got this friend,
Marshall, in editing.
Maybe we could all
go on a double date.
Marshall, "the Duke"?
I swear to God,
Josie, come on.
Tell me, when is the last time
you went on a real date?
I'm concentrating
on my career now.
Do you own any
colored underwear?
Stripes or anything?
The right guy's out there.
I'm just not gonna
go kiss a whole bunch
of losers to get to him.
Yeah, but sometimes
kissing the losers
can be a really fun diversion.
Mm-hm!
when I finally get kissed,
I'll know.
If you've never kissed a guy,
we have bigger problems
than underwear.
I've kissed a guy.
I've kissed guys.
I just haven't
felt that thing.
"That thing"?
Is that what you kids
are calling it these days?
That thing. That moment
when you kiss someone
and everything
around you becomes hazy.
And the only thing in focus
is you and this person.
And you realize that
that person is the only person
that you're supposed to kiss
for the rest of your life.
And for one moment
you get this amazing gift.
And you wanna laugh
and you wanna cry...
cos you feel so
lucky that you found it
and so scared
that it'll go away,
all at the same time.
Damn, girl. You are a writer.
(watching the wheels
by John Lennon playing)
OK, I'm finished.
what do you guys think?
where do you
think it should go?
In the bedroom?
That's exactly
what I was thinking.
Perfect.
The meeting just began.
Let me start by saying
I was very impressed with
that investigative piece
that Dutton did on pesticides
in our supermarkets.
But since
the Trib did a piece on
the same subject,
only better, you're fired.
Huh?
Dutton, did you hear me?
You're fired. Out.
Close your cubicle.
Bye-bye, Dutton.
Hello, everybody
else still working here.
Let's celebrate by doing
another undercover feature!
Now,
you know that my inspiration
for these stories comes,
of course,
from my personal life.
I mean, who would
have thought that my foray
into the hair plugs
would have resulted in
last month's cover story?
"Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow."
A great story.
Last night I'm sitting home
with my family,
having dinner...
(Anita whispering) Roger.
..and my younger
boy starts to choke!
Then I realized my son
was allergic to peanuts.
I said to myself,
"Holy shit! I don't
even know my own kids."
"How much do we
know about these
"high-school kids?
what are they thinking?"
And then it hit me.
Boom!
"My Semester in High School."
You. what's your name?
J... J... Josie.
Jos?
Josie Geller.
Josie Geller,
you enroll Friday! Have fun!
The meeting just ended.
Josie. Josie!
..20-minute handstand.
Freaked the yogi right out.
Excuse me.
Josie...
Uh... It's really happening!
"My first undercover feature,
by Josie Geller"!
Josie, maybe you
should turn it down.
why?
You don't think I can do it?
No! It's just,
this is a lot of pressure
for your first piece.
This is not
a half-a-page article.
This is a major
undercover piece.
Look what Rigfort
just did to Dutton,
and he's his cousin.
Don't worry. I'm gonna
straighten this all out.
You guys don't
think I can do this?
we're not saying that.
when you wanted to seduce
the mailroom guy,
and you thought
you couldn't learn Spanish,
who quizzed you
on your verbs?
Seorita Josie.
Gus, when you wanted
to learn how to knit,
who showed you how
to work the needles?
You did.
You knit?
Yeah.
So this is my chance.
I'm not holding your
job for you, Geller.
Thank you!
OK...
Don't make me give you
my memo on
interoffice hugging.
Now comes the hard part.
Oh, my gosh.
You get to be 1 7 again.
wow.
OK, what's the first thing
you're gonna need?
You want Bambi? No way.
Rob, please.
why don't you just
borrow Mom's car?
I can't use a minivan.
I need a cheap car.
A vintage classic.
It's just for
a couple of months.
A couple of months is like
ten years in Bambi life.
It's so weird that
you name your cars.
why? Guys name their penises.
OK...
You can have
my Buick LeSabre and name it
anything you want.
Really?
LeSabre.
Nah, I don't think so.
Fully loaded.
Maybe.
wow, are those
shorts or a skirt?
They're gaucho pants.
I got them on sale.
Aloha. welcome!
Every customer
gets a free lei.
Relax, Monty.
It's just my sister.
Aloha, my ass.
Shake it easy, buddy.
Have you talked to
the admissions lady
from Lakeshore
Community College yet?
No.
But you could start
before next semester,
talk to her about
a baseball scholarship.
It's too late,
Josie, you know?
I'm not going to college.
I'm not playing
baseball anymore.
This is my life.
This is a luau that
sells packing material.
You had such a shot
at playing college ball.
You let one case
of mono stop you.
Don't you want to move
out of Mom and Dad's?
Pay your own bills?
why?
So I can be as happy as you?
I am happy.
Besides, you are looking at
the newest
undercover reporter
for the Chicago Sun-Times.
I am Josie Geller,
high-school student,
senior class 1 999.
Uh-uh.
You're kidding, right?
what?
Josie, do you
remember high school?
It was a long time ago.
Do you remember what
they called you
in high school?
..Grossie! Josie Grossie!
Josie Grossie! Josie...
Josie Grossie.
I know. I made it up.
I didn't know it was gonna
catch on like it did.
Oh, Josie, what's the matter?
You look nauseous.
Nauseated. I look nauseated.
(toilet flushes)
(She Bop
by Cyndi Lauper playing)
(laughter)
Hi, Billy. I noticed
that you weren't in
math class today,
so, um, I decided to take
some notes for you.
(Billy continues laughing)
This is a very bad idea.
(Seventeen
by Jimmy Eat world playing)
It's only in your dreams
But it felt like it was real
You're only
You're only seventeen
You're only
You're only seventeen
You're only
You're only seventeen
(Suburban Life by
Kottonmouth Kings playing)
Hey, feeling good.
"My name is Josie. I'm from
Scranton, Pennsylvania,
the Keystone State."
Hold it.
where are you going?
To high school, because
I'm a high-school student.
I'm here with my
fellow students.
Hey, guys. Hi.
Beeper, appears legitimate.
Computer organizer.
Recording device.
(Josie) I can
grab bulls' balls.
Appears legitimate.
This is
a projectile launcher.
That's a weapon.
(bell rings)
Class, today we have
the pleasure of exploring
the pantheistic culture
of India. India...
Hi, hello.
willkommen! Entrez, entrez.
I'm sorry I'm late.
well, I'm sorry
I forgot to take my
hot flash medication today.
Please sit. Josie, right.
Mi casa es su casa.
That is so sad.
I know. Five chickens
had to die just so she
could look stupid.
Josie, in my classroom,
tardiness is unacceptable.
I'm sorry.
Not as sorry as I am.
Ol!
Ten minutes in that,
you'll never be late again.
So let's hear
something about you.
Stand up. Stand up.
My name is Josie Geller.
I'm a high-school student.
I'm from...
((I Just)
Died In Your Arms
by Cutting Crew playing)
Billy?
Excuse me?
You live in "Billy"?
B-Bali. Uh, Billy-Bali.
Um, it's a suburb
of Bali proper.
Bali?
The island nation of Bali.
Fascinating. what did
your family do there?
Um, we were sheep...
Sheep farmers.
My family raised sheep.
(laughter)
Note to self: research Bali.
Kill Anita for
picking out this outfit.
Find and destroy sombrero.
(Cool Magnet
by Local H playing)
we sit here.
Yeah.
I'm sorry. I didn't
know they were assigned.
They're not.
Morning, everyone.
(girl) Morning.
I don't think we've met.
I'm Sam... Coulson.
The school has a thing about
letting you guys call me Sam.
I'm Josie. But I'm
pretty sure the school
would be OK with
you calling me that.
welcome to Shakespeare's
As You Like It.
As You Like It...
we can share.
..is an example of
Shakespearean...
Thank you.
..pastoral comedy.
Now, does anyone know
what that means?
Yeah, that's what
they do to milk.
No, Sera,
that's "pasteurize".
But it's close.
Parakeet?
OK, anyone else?
Josie.
"Pastoral" means
set in the country,
originally seen in
the Eclogues of Virgil.
It's from
the Latin "pascere",
"to graze".
(bleats like sheep)
(laughter)
Are you sure you're 1 7?
Yes. I'm 1 7.
I'm 1 7. Of course.
(Smash
by the Murmurs playing)
Excuse me.
what's in the coleslaw?
Thank you.
Leave.
Kirsten,
that bran muffin has,
like, 75 grams of fat.
Nah-uh.
Did I tell you that
Lisa has hemorrhoids?
Shot right up.
Hi.
Hi, Kristen.
It's Kirsten.
Oh. OK.
Oh!
well, that'll teach me
to wear white jeans
after Labor Day.
I don't think you're supposed
to wear white
jeans after 1 983.
Right. Right, right.
OK, so, like, what are
you guys' hopes and dreams?
Any interests?
Hi. I'm Guy.
Hi. Yes, you are a guy.
Quite a guy.
Oh, my. That rhymes.
Yikes. Bikes!
Are you in special ed?
I mean, are you?
I can't believe
he just said that.
He just said that.
I'm just gonna go.
Don't slip, honey.
Off the chart.
How old am I?
Oh, approximately
6,350 days old.
Now, that's subject
for adjustment for
month of birth.
OK, OK, thank you.
(Girls Move Their Butts
by Grandmaster Slice playing)
Hustle, hustle!
Come on, girls!
Geller, move it!
Pick up your feet!
Come on! A little
more commitment, Geller!
Move it! Come on!
what is...
Must have water.
what do I look like?
A waitress?
Now complete these sprints.
If you don't, you fail.
And if you fail gym,
you're never
getting into college.
You guys are still
telling that lie?
That does it, Geller.
Drop, give me 20.
No...
(groans)
Don't worry, Rob.
I put premium gasoline
in her.
Josie, I told you Bambi's
a cheap, regular girl.
wait a second.
what?
I'll call you later.
Josie... Don't hang up!
They do it to
all the new kids.
who's "they"?
Guy Perkins and
his amazing lemmings.
They push your car
out of its space,
hide it and watch
while you look for it.
I'm Aldys.
I'm Josie.
Aldys.
That's an interesting name.
when it's not yours.
My mom was going
through her
Harlequin Romance phase.
Tell me about it.
Try being named after
a guitar-playing pussycat.
Never mind.
would you like
to walk to Na-Na's
and get something to eat?
Yeah.
That would be really nice.
So, tell me, what are your
hopes and your dreams?
what do you wanna be?
Thank you.
Thank you.
I wanna be a professor
of medieval literature.
I wanna be a novelist.
I wanna be
a weekend flutist,
a potter, a painter.
I wanna be an architect
and I wanna go
to Northwestern.
I went there!
For what?
Um... Yes, once.
To use the bathroom.
Um... They had
a really nice facility.
(Uncle Bill's Ride
by Mister Jones playing)
(Josie) Oh, my God.
(mobile phone ringing)
Hello?
what the hell kind of story
are you pitching?
It's my dad. He worries.
Yeah, mine too.
Hi, Dad. I miss you, too.
You are one
sick puppy, Geller.
It's an expos on
cafeteria food.
Let me guess.
"The Terrible
Truth About Coleslaw."
The bulk of it will be
about the pimento loaf.
Geller,
you wanna be a reporter?
Take a look at what sells:
sex scandals,
bribery,
people jumping off buildings.
So unless a kid
killed himself cos
he was being paid
to have sex with
the school mascot
in a vat of coleslaw,
you got nothing.
Call me when you do.
They love to
disconnect the battery, too.
Here.
Thanks.
Just so that you know,
I think they recalled
these cars in 1 974.
Yeah, thanks.
Sure, no problem. Josie?
Yeah?
I was wondering,
how are you at calculus?
I'm good.
would you like to
join the Denominators?
we have these fun
pizza study groups
and go to these
all-county meets.
And I don't wanna sound
like the Godfather,
but we could offer
you a certain amount
of protection,
if you know what I mean.
That sounds great.
(Three Is a Magic Number
by Blind Melon playing)
3x10 is 30
3x9 is 27
3x8 is 24
3x7 is 21
3x6 is 18
3x5 is 1 5
3x4 is 12
And 3x3 is 9
And 3x2 is 6
And 3x1 is 3 of course
Now dig the pattern
once more!
3, 6, 9,
(dings bell)
"All the world's a stage,
And all the men and
women merely players."
Does anyone know what
Shakespeare meant by that?
Anyone?
It's about disguise,
about playing a part.
And that's the theme of
As You Like It.
Now, does anyone know
where we can see this?
Rosalind disguises
herself as a man,
and then escapes
into the forest.
Right. when she's in costume,
she can finally express
her love for Orlando.
Shakespeare's point is that
when we're in disguise,
we feel freer.
we do things we wouldn't do
in ordinary life.
Brett, what happens when
you go out on the football
field in uniform?
we kick ass!
You yell, you hit people.
You touch other guys' butts.
It's OK,
cos you're in uniform.
See, disguise
changes all the rules.
Tell you a story.
My first season
of peewee hockey...
well,
honestly, I was terrible.
I couldn't skate.
I was afraid to take a hit.
And my dad one day
bought me this
brand-new helmet,
signed by Gordie Howe.
Come on, guys. Gordie Howe!
OK, he was like
the Tiger woods of hockey.
Oh. All right.
Every time I put
on this helmet,
I feel invincible.
Suddenly, I skate harder.
I check people
left and right.
I even got thrown out of
a game once for fighting.
The point here is that
disguise can be liberating,
can get you
to do things that you
never thought possible.
And for Rosalind,
her male costume
opens the possibilities for
the great love of her life.
Josie, why don't you read
act five, scene two,
Rosalind's speech?
"No sooner they met,
but they looked.
"No sooner they looked,
but they loved.
"No sooner loved,
but they sighed.
"Does he notice me?
"Does he hear my heart
screaming his name?
(laughter)
"Sometimes it's so loud
I think that the gods
can hear my pain.
"His voice
is so mellifluous.
"If I could get
just one kiss."
(Heartbreaker
by Pat Benatar playing)
what have you
wanted for, like, ever,
but never,
ever thought would happen?
I'm the most
popular girl in school
and Billy Prince is
asking me to the prom.
Yes.
what?
Billy Prince is
asking you to the prom.
why?
I don't know.
The poem.
I knew he'd like the poem!
Billy Prince is
asking me to the prom?
That's what I'm saying.
Oh, my God! I'm...
I'm actually speechless!
I have no words!
That's never happened to me!
words are my life!
(bell rings)
Just a reminder,
your papers are due
next week.
(over PA) This is Sydney,
student body president.
No going to the library.
There's an asbestos problem.
Can I get into my locker?
(over PA) Now the prom.
Voting on the prom theme
is complete,
and the theme is...
"the Millennium"!
The prom is
going to be rufus.
what's "rufus"?
It's my new, cool,
hip word. Spread it
around like wildfire.
(group) Rufus!
what is it with
this school and prom?
South Glen South competes
every year for best prom.
(British accent)
The theme is everything,
so whatever we pick
has to be totally unique.
There's a land that I see
where the children are free
Come with me, take my hand
And we'll live
In a land where
the river runs free
In a land to a shining sea
And we'll be free
to be you and me
(Josie) what's that?
(Aldys) The old drive-in.
The Court.
It's just a continuous
party for Guy's group.
Hey.
Alpo, the dog park
is that way.
Go.
Last I checked,
this was a free country.
You're not seriously trying
to hang out at the Court.
Cheap wine coolers
and a fire in a trash can.
where do I sign up?
why don't you go home,
fickle around
on your calculator,
whatever you do,
and figure out
how many lifetimes
it's gonna take
you to get cool, OK?
Have you ever wanted
to go to the Court?
Are you kidding, Josie?
It's lame.
All they do is stand around
and get drunk. It's lame.
Yeah, it seems lame.
Yeah. It's very lame.
You said that.
The Court?
Josie, I am appalled.
Geez, I know. I mean, who'd
have known that these kids...
No! I am appalled because
I have a reporter in
there undercover,
for three weeks,
and I had to read
about this in the Trib.
You're right.
No, fold...
"1 7-year-old
Kristin Davis says
"'Yeah, everyone who's anyone
is at the Court on
Saturday night.'"
She's right. I have learned
that it is a popular place
for the kids to go.
This is where
the stories are.
You will become
friends with these people.
You will party with them.
You'll rave with them.
You'll get jiggy with them.
when they go to the prom,
you'll be in
the same damn limo!
Gus, listen.
The popular kids and I...
Do you even know these kids?
They hid my car.
Get to know them, very well!
Your job, and my job,
depends on it!
Um, by the way,
it's "depend" because
there's no S.
Your subject is plural.
Out!
Come on! Asses and elbows!
The news doesn't sleep,
you know!
(announcer)
A high hopper to
third base, but...
Yeah, baby! Mm! whoo!
Rob! You're making a mess.
Can you do this
at Mom and Dad's?
No, it's their turn
to do the Franklin Mint
potluck dinner.
But I made a pizza.
I can't do it.
what?
Damn! These are
high-school girls?
we got some underage hotties
on our hands here.
Gus wants me to be friends
with them, the popular kids.
It's impossible.
why?
You know what it was like
for me in high school.
All I wanted was
to be accepted.
And they just tortured me.
I can't go back to
South Glen South.
You're at South Glen South?
They have a killer
baseball team.
Focus, please.
OK, OK.
You're an adult now, Josie.
You're successful.
You graduated at
the top of your class.
You work for a newspaper.
You wash your hair now.
You're not Josie Grossie
anymore.
Don't you know how much
I just wanted to be you
in high school?
Just for one day
to know what it was
like to be popular.
It's not that hard, Josie.
All you need is
the right person,
one person to think
you're cool, and you're in.
Everyone will be too
scared to question it.
Is that true?
Yeah,
it's a little-known fact.
Don't you want to show 'em?
Gus, Billy Prince, yourself.
Don't you want to show 'em
the cool kids don't
freak you out anymore?
That you can go in there
and be friends with them
and get your story?
Yes, desperately.
Plus, if you quit now,
you're no better than me.
Better than I.
That's the spirit.
So let's hear it.
"I'm not Josie Grossie
anymore."
I'm not Josie Grossie
anymore.
That's it. Now scream it.
I'm not Josie Grossie
anymore!
That's good.
(Here we Go
by Stakka Bo playing)
Josie the Pussycat.
George?
what are you doing here?
Ah. Get in the van.
Go, go.
welcome to the love shack.
All right.
George, what's going on?
A little surveillance.
what are you doing?
Hidden camera.
wings?
Yeah.
That's great, but I
really should talk to Gus
about this first.
(over speaker)
Geller, stop being
a pain in the ass.
Gus?
No, it's
the great and powerful Oz.
You're in way over your head.
Here's how it's gonna work.
I review the tapes,
I find your story.
All right.
Battery, transmitter.
Plug it in.
Man.
There we go.
Good luck to you.
I don't believe
this. George?
Hm?
How are you so cool?
It's hard work.
Herbs, berries.
I'll be watching you.
All right, let's get
this party started. Yeah.
Come on, picture, come on.
There. Oh...
There. Ooh,
they didn't look that good
when I went to high school.
Kirsten, Kristin, Gibby!
what's up, girlfriends?
Ooh.
I'm OK.
That's gonna leave a mark.
"And so it is
Rosalind in disguise
"who is best
able to see through
the disguises of others.
"To say to Phoebe 'Mistress,
know thyself.'
"To look at love
from every angle.
"And to realize, finally,
that she is in
love with Orlando.
"To free both hearts,
not in judgment
but in equality. "
(Mr. Coulson)
That's really well written.
Showtime's over.
Come on, move it.
Back to work.
Gus, have you ever
been in love?
Leave.
Oh, give it up, Gus.
Come on. I'm just
making conversation.
Love...
who knows what that is?
Deadlines, circulation...
That I understand.
You know, you should go out
every now and then.
If you put on
a couple of new ties,
girls would be all over you.
(chuckles) Anita?
what?
Leave me alone.
I've got enough
work here to
last me all night.
I don't have
anything to do tonight,
so if you would
like some help,
I would love to help you.
No Roger from Op-Ed?
Nope.
Excuse me, do you guys think
that we could work out
some kind of schedule,
and I could work around it?
Hey. where's your sweatshirt?
Oh, I must have
forgotten it.
I have an extra
in my locker.
I'll go get it.
So, I'll see you tonight,
7.30, Na-Na's, right?
OK, right, 7.30.
Yeah.
(British accent)
I'm late for lab.
Ozomatli? Oh, yes.
This band is so good.
Have you heard
this band play?
I'll get my mom's car
and I'll drive.
This is gonna
be rufalicious!
No, Jason,
it's not a stick of gum.
It's "rufus". "Rufus."
(Cumbia de los Muertos
by Ozomatli playing)
You drinking tonight?
Uh, no.
I'm not 21. I'm 1 7, and I
still attend high school.
Two of you?
Josie! Josie.
Hi.
Out on a school night?
The bathroom was disgusting.
I'd like you to meet Lara.
His girlfriend.
She's visiting from New York.
Josie's one of my students.
How are you?
what?
Hi, there!
I'm sorry.
I can't even think in here.
No offence.
I know you love this.
I just hope you get it
all out of your system
before you move to New York.
My firm has season tickets
to the Met.
Oh, well, I love baseball!
(laughs)
Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you, too.
we are tomorrow.
Hello, I'm tomorrow.
Cos when we get the money
and the power,
the women come to me.
Do what I'm doin'. You know,
if you ain't movin',
no movement.
write that down.
welcome to my
little humble abode,
you know?
Let me just
handle my business.
wait a minute.
Got something funky.
(Cumbia de los Muertos
by Ozomatli playing)
That was great, you guys.
That was great.
(Cut Chemist Suite
by Ozomatli playing)
Excuse me? Can I sit there?
Yeah. we accept all people.
we are all about the love.
Come on and have a seat.
Thank you so much.
How are you?
Very well. How are you?
I'm feeling good.
I feel real good.
we have a special cake
for you.
Have some cake.
It's a special cake,
a ganja cake.
It has vitamin A, vitamin B,
vitamin T, H and C.
It's good for you.
Eat it up.
what?
Is that...? No, girl,
put it back. Just say no.
Mm!
Good, huh?
That is delicious.
You know,
I love chocolate.
She gonna get
tore off the floor!
Firecracker.
He was a firecracker!
Firecracker.
Man, I don't love her.
whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
I know this woman.
She's my superior.
what is that?
(Ozomatli member)
Let me hear you say "yeah"!
I'm telling you,
Rob, I think
I really did it.
I think I'm totally in!
I was so cool!
You know what's
a weird word?
"Fork."
Oh! Did I tell you about
the new friends I made?
I made friends with
a whole table of Rastafari.
Not just one.
A whole table!
Oh, my God.
Someone ate my entire pie.
I don't know
how that happened.
(snoring)
(Me, MySelf and I
by De La Soul playing)
Hi, Guy!
Guys, Guy's guys!
Hey, loser.
Oh, my God.
Loser!
what is going on up here?
Everybody goin' nuts?
Loser!
Loser.
All right,
all right,
look up, girl.
Jo-Jo, look up.
"Loser." See?
"Loser." Look!
Hello?
Yes!
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
whoa, calm down.
Just wash it off.
we're all cool.
what are you doin'?
(vomits)
I see you had
wheaties for breakfast.
(Josie vomits)
Bleuch. It's like
the All-Humiliation Network.
(toilet flushes)
(Like a Prayer
by Madonna playing)
when you call my name
It's like a little prayer
I'm down on my knees
I wanna take you there
In the midnight hour...
(phone rings)
Hello?
Oh, hi, Billy.
OK, I'll be out
in a jiffer.
Have fun.
OK, thanks.
Bye-bye!
Hi, Billy!
write a poem
about this, geek!
(Mom) Josie?
Is that you, honey?
(Rob) Josie, get up.
Josie, are you OK?
Josie.
Are you crazy?
what are you doing here?
I just registered.
Check it out.
Manufactured
at the Tiki Post.
Can you do that?
I just did.
Jose, this is it.
This is my ninth inning.
The game isn't over.
I just thought it was.
See, if I get
on the South Glen
baseball team,
the right scout sees me,
I'm in the minors.
It's game time!
But you're 23 years old.
Yeah, with the reading
comprehension
of a 1 5-year-old.
Plus, I'm popular.
You wanna be popular.
I recognize a cry for
help when I see one.
Hear one.
whatever.
That is so like you.
You know,
you can't just
come in here
and be popular
in just one day.
Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob!
I'm the coleslaw
king of the world!
Dude, you rock, man.
He is so hot.
Hi.
Hey.
I'm Tracy. I'm 1 6.
I'm a gymnast.
I don't have a boyfriend.
Cool.
Josie?
where were you last night?
I was really worried.
what?
You know,
last night at 7.30?
Na-Na's? I kept calling you,
but I just got your machine.
I don't even know
your parents' line.
I was really worried.
I'm sorry.
I must have forgot.
Maybe you should forget
about sitting with us, too.
Let's make some
money for the prom!
(Brett) Mr. Coulson! Oh!
(Standing By
by willis playing)
watch your step.
where's your partner?
I don't have one.
Lonely ride
in bucket five!
Single!
(Josie) Do you have
to yell it like that?
Sure, I do.
Thank you.
watch your step.
Is this seat taken?
Thank you.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
whoa!
(Mr. Coulson) whoa.
Are you scared?
Uh, well,
I'll tell you
something here.
I hope this doesn't
undermine my position as
an authority figure, but...
I'm a little
afraid of heights.
You're afraid of
the Ferris wheel?
Actually,
it's the plunging
headfirst
into the crowd part
that kind of gets me.
I bet if you had
your Gordie Howe helmet
on you'd feel better.
Hey, you remember
that story?
I remember
everything you say...
in your classroom.
If the bucket's a-rocking,
don't come a-kn-kn-knocking!
Yeah! Yeah!
Boys.
I know.
(youth) Mr. Coulson
rocks my world!
I'd like to tell you that
we all grow out of it.
It's a lie.
Some of us will
always be rattling cages.
why do you do that?
I don't know.
what's scary is that
when you get older,
it gets more confusing.
I mean, you know Lara,
my girlfriend you
met at the club?
we've been going out
for five years,
and now she wants me
to move to New York.
And, you know,
I mean, I should do it.
You know,
make the commitment
and grow up.
I know we have
our differences.
I shouldn't be talking about
this stuff with you.
I'm sorry.
It's nice to have
someone to talk to.
Yeah, same here.
when you're my age,
guys will be
lined up around
the block for you.
You have to say that
cos you're my teacher.
Actually, I shouldn't
say that because
I'm your teacher.
Oh.
Josie Geller? No way.
(Rob) Yeah.
She dated
the drummer from
the Big Bad Voodoo Daddys?
I've always wanted to
be a drummer. Always.
And then she dumped him
for the drummer...
All right, that's it.
Just water
and Ex-Lax till prom.
It's all about hydration.
Did you guys
know that Josie's dad
invented Ex-Lax?
She's, like, the heiress
to the Ex-Lax fortune.
Shut up.
No, it's true.
She spends all of
her extra time
with her family
on a yacht in
the South of France.
wow.
(cheering)
Quick hands,
quick hands.
Here we go.
who's a winner?
Focus. Good work, good work.
Easy, easy. Good work.
Thanks for showing
me that new grip.
It totally
changed my swing, man.
No problem.
Hey, what's goin' on?
You guys know
Josie Geller?
I know her.
You mean Loser?
Nah, man,
she's cool.
I used to go
out with her, man.
what?
She dumped me.
we're still good friends.
Really?
Hey, wait.
Like, how good?
Good friends.
Good good?
She is amazing.
All right, guys.
As you've probably noticed,
this certainly isn't English.
Um...
we've combined a few classes
today here for the seminar.
Hopefully,
the speaker will be
here any minute now.
Hi.
Hey! Oh, hi.
Uh...
You're here for
the sex talk?
well... I like a man
who gets right to the point.
Are you Pam?
If you say so.
OK.
This is Pam Kitterman.
She's leading us in
our sex discussion.
what? what?
Yes. Come on.
No, I'm... what?
I am not...
Oh, I am.
Right, that's correct.
Hi, I'm Pa...
I'm Pam. Hi.
Um, sex...
well, yes, sex...
Um, what do
you say, you know?
Uh... you like a guy,
you do it with him.
Sometimes he calls,
sometimes he doesn't.
whoo!
(nervous chuckle)
Oh.
Hi.
what are you doing here?
I came by to say hello.
Oh, my God,
your teacher is
such a fox!
He's coming back.
Um, why don't we
talk about that later?
And I just wanna say
that the burning
sensation is totally normal.
Ew!
Sex is really fun.
when you're old enough,
which none of you are.
I should know.
Cos when you lose it to
some guy named Junior
with bad breath
in the back of a van,
you're gonna wish
you'd listened to your mom
when she said
"Nobody will buy
the ice-cream truck
"when you're handin' out
the Popsicles for free."
Any questions?
Oh, I know it's hard.
I mean, difficult.
Difficult.
But safe sex is
really important.
OK, so just imagine
that the bananas
are the real thing.
In a land called
Every Man's Fantasy.
God, I can't do this.
(Josie) Maybe because
we're not supposed to be
having sex with bananas.
Do you really think she
hooked up with Rob?
They're so different.
Sometimes opposites attract.
You know what, though?
I feel like I'm
really ready to do it.
You know, like,
have sex for the first time.
It's a big deal.
I know.
Just make sure
you've found
the right person.
You know,
Adelie penguins,
they spend their whole lives
looking for that
one other penguin.
And when they
meet them, they know.
And they spend the rest
of their lives together.
But I'm not a penguin.
It's an analogy.
(girls chuckle)
Excuse me.
I have to go die now.
(over PA) Hey, kids,
Sydney here.
Bad news about the prom.
East Glen East is gonna
do "Millennium", too.
what? Oh, my God.
(Mr. Coulson)
Calm down.
Calm down!
Calm down! Sit!
Let's focus, all right?
It's prom theme.
All we need is a new idea.
Ooh! How about
"Under the Sea"?
(boy) Yeah, right.
It's been done.
How about "the '80s"?
(class boos)
what do you think we are?
Amateurs?
All right.
All right.
Josie.
That's not a theme.
Thank you. No.
OK,
Josie will have the answer.
How about
"Meant for Each Other"?
Famous couples
throughout history.
Absolutely.
Absolutely!
Oh, we love it.
That is so brilliant.
(Heaven Tonight
by Hole playing)
Here comes a sign
in the form of a girl
She's the finest,
sweetest thing in the world
Oh, take you
to Heaven tonight
I feel the horses
coming galloping
In the summer ends
Take you to Heaven tonight
Oh, 'cause I love you
For what you are
(Josie and Sam laugh)
Tonight, tonight we'll ride
I'll give it to you
we'll go to Heaven tonight
Tonight
Here, try these.
No, Gus, listen.
It is a great story.
They keep the tags on,
and then they
return the clothes
after they've worn them.
(click/dial tone)
Gus?
Hi.
what's up?
I was just looking
at this cardigan.
Isn't it cool?
Oh, yes.
Oh, my God.
Like, there goes
another lemming.
I can't believe
that I could be happy
Summer will come again
I could be happy
Oh, stop your crying
You could be happy
Go to Heaven
when you make me happy
Good play!
Good play!
Go, sexy boy!
You guys,
victory dance.
Oh, yeah.
(Rob) Rager party, tonight
at my house, baby. Yeah!
Yeah! whoo!
Great play, Rob.
You might be just
what South Glen needs
to win State this year.
will I play in
the championship game?
You'll start at shortstop.
I don't wanna put
extra pressure on you,
but some pro
scouts will be there.
Thanks, Coach Romano.
You're welcome.
Just glad to be
part of a team again.
Josie, you have
totally transitioned.
Transitioned?
Yeah, you crossed over.
Into our group.
It's hard.
People go through high school
trying to transition
and never make it.
wannabes.
Guy is totally
crunching on you.
Do I wanna be crunched?
By Guy?
Oh, yeah.
(Peppy Rock by BTK playing)
Josie!
Hi.
"Splendiferous"?
Totally!
I'm not going to her again.
She calls that a pedicure?
She wants me.
(sobbing)
(Rigfort) Bye. Out.
Night. Bye. Miss Haskell
is gone and forgotten.
Next: Sack races
at the company picnic,
yes or no?
Sorry I'm late.
I love that top.
Thank you.
So cute.
It's all about horseshoes.
Excuse me,
I'm trying to get
to a tennis game.
what is the status
of your story?
Oh, great.
Totally rufus.
Is there
something I could see?
(mouths) Rufus?
I have some notes.
I don't need your notes.
I need your story.
Though I must speak
for all of us here.
I have seen your tapes.
Compelling stuff.
But I want
the story in two weeks.
Two weeks,
Miss Geller.
Or I'll rufus you
right outta here.
I think you're gonna
be a great reporter.
But if you aren't,
you and Gus are fired.
Next order of business:
marketing department,
yes or no?
(Never You Mind
by Semisonic playing)
Party's at Rob's!
Josie.
Hello, you guys.
Hi.
I'm Rob's prom date.
Really?
Yeah.
Oh, my God. wow!
Yeah. Yeah,
she's 1 6 years old, Rob.
I know, and a gymnast.
It's totally illegal,
and I'll tell you why.
The following reasons are...
Hi.
Hi.
Hey, dude.
I gotta talk to you.
Please come here.
I'll see you
around the cellblock,
Mrs. Robinson.
Hey, Rob.
what do you wanna be
when you grow up?
Ball player.
No, I know,
but, I mean,
what if you don't make it?
I mean,
you don't wanna be
working at the mail place
for the rest
of your life.
It's OK for an after-school
job and all,
but "Hi, I'm Rob,
and I run the Tiki Post"?
Totally lame!
what is this?
Like a lemon-meringue pie
color or something?
It's... Ugh.
You know what?
Maybe we should go
into another room.
I've checked every
one of these rooms.
There's, I mean,
serious couples in there.
This is fine.
This is fine.
Someone's gettin'
hooked up!
Yeah, baby!
(Guy chuckles)
wow.
Rob's sister is a loser.
Yeah.
Um...
Please come here.
I need to talk to you
about something.
It's a comfy bed.
OK.
Feel it.
It's nice.
It's nice.
Uh...
I know that you've
probably already heard
that I want to
ask you out to prom.
But there's
something different
about asking in person.
I know that we
didn't hit it off
in the beginning.
And I really...
Yes.
Yes.
That's rufus.
Uh... where do I
pick you up?
How do we arrange this?
what do I do?
we can meet
here at Rob's,
and we can all share
a limousine together.
Thank you.
Have a good evening.
And thank you.
(At My Most Beautiful
by R.E.M. playing)
Hey, Jose.
Hey, Rob.
Lookin' good, guys.
Josie, Robster,
rufus kegger.
Man, you were wasted.
This is so unbelievable.
I've waited my
whole life to fit in,
and I finally feel like I do.
You do.
(Gibby) Hey, Rob.
Hey, Josie,
who did Archie date?
Betty or Veronica?
Both.
See?
I always liked Betty better.
Really?
Yeah,
Betty was so
fun and spunky.
I mean,
Veronica had
the great legs.
She was too moody.
Very high-maintenance.
You can't refuse to
sell me a ticket to prom.
Listen, Alpo.
we can do
whatever we want to.
Like, I get it.
You guys don't know
how to count change.
Oh, my God.
I'll make it easy.
Here's the money.
I'm taking the ticket.
Oh, my God.
She was mocking us.
Did you see that?
we gotta
make her dog food.
She is going down.
There.
Oh. I got you a meeting
with the admissions guy
from Dartmouth.
Dartmouth?
But I wasn't
gonna go to college.
No, I pulled some strings,
and I got him to
look at your writing,
and he agreed
to meet with you.
You believe in me
that much?
Of course I do, Josie.
You owe it to yourself,
to your writing,
to go to college.
You are a great writer.
You just have to
find your story.
He is your story.
You're crazy. No!
No. No.
what do you mean, no?
It's got it all.
Sex, intrigue, immorality
in the education system.
He's my teacher.
Yeah, that's the best part.
"Student-teacher relations:
how close is too close?"
we're gonna blow
the lid off it!
There's no lid.
There's nothing
going on between Sa...
Mr. Coulson and me.
Everyone is
in here every day,
watching you two.
It's like
The Young and the Restless.
Rigfort is
salivating over it.
You pitched this
to Rigfort?
Josie, this isn't a joke.
You heard Rigfort.
Both our asses
are on the line.
Now, this is the story.
Call me when
you've got it.
(doorbell)
Josie, you look so...
Rufus?
Yes, exactly.
Major rufus.
what are you
supposed to be?
Duh!
Tom Cruise,
Risky Business.
(laughs)
That's nice.
Thank you for
everything, Rob.
It's all really happening,
and I know it's
because of you.
My wallet. Shit.
where are you
gonna put it?
Come on, beautiful.
Let's go.
Hey, how you doin'?
Hello?
If you don't hurry,
we'll miss the whole thing.
we'll talk.
(Nowhere Slow
by Home Grown playing)
Oh, my God.
You totally ripped off
my Malibu Barbie idea!
Uh-uh.
I'm Disco Barbie.
And I'm Evening Gown Barbie.
(gasps) Josie, darling,
you look rufus.
who are you guys?
Don't tell me.
You're Medieval Barbie?
Get over it.
we're Rosalind and Orlando.
Shakespeare?
Look, I get to
have a sword.
Oh, my God,
that is so awesome.
Rad! That is so rad.
(Rob) I want a sword.
(Bitter
by The Pietasters playing)
(Rob) All right,
look at this place!
(Josie) Beautiful.
Come on,
let's dance.
I'm Tom Cruise.
This is the most
beautiful prom
I've ever been to.
work, Merk,
work, Merk, work it.
Great.
what are you doing?
Practicing my
surprised face for when
they name prom court.
Oh, sorry, there's
no room at this table.
It's just
too bad for them.
wait, I forgot.
A little surprise for you.
Did I miss the crowning?
No, but I'm
closing the pool.
Josie's odds are 3-1,
and even money that
that kid pokes
himself with the sword.
whoa!
OK, maybe we
should sit down.
OK.
OK. whoa.
Are you having fun yet?
Uh, yeah.
Good.
Definitely.
Guess what.
what?
Gibby gave me champagne!
That's nice.
Yeah.
Rob? I've been thinking.
And I think...
I mean, I know
you're the one.
Oh.
My penguin.
I want you to
be my first.
Once the floor
stops spinning,
let's have sex.
You're gonna hurt yourself.
Put that down.
All right.
Tell you what, Tracy.
what?
I'm flattered,
but I say
I'm gonna go
get some more punch,
then we'll go on
the dance floor
and boogie.
That's good.
(Rob) No! Uh-oh!
Help! I'm stuck.
(Sera) Brett!
(group)
The Denominators
are here!
whoo!
(group) Make way
for the Denominators!
You guys,
what is the one thing
that could ruin
my senior prom?
That you would trip
on your Barbie heels
and I'd be named prom queen.
Did I just
say that out loud?
whoo!
So, who are you
supposed to be?
Other than freaks?
Yeah.
we're DNA.
Double helix?
But I guess you'd
actually know that
if you passed bio.
No, no,
don't touch the hydrogen.
It's rented.
Yo, yo,
ladies and gentlemen,
give it up for Mr. Coulson
and Miss Knox!
(cheers)
OK, OK, enough.
Our 1999 prom court.
And the princesses are,
Miss Kristin Davis...
Miss Kirsten Leosis
and Miss Gibby Zarefsky.
And the princes are:
Mr. Thomas Salamey...
Mr. Jason way...
and Mr. Rob...
Mr. Rob.
Mr. Rob!
(Miss Knox) Mr. Rob.
That's me!
Yeah!
whoo!
(Miss Knox) Next up,
South Glen 's prom king,
Guy Perkins.
And this year's prom queen.
Ladies and gentlemen...
(Look who's Perfect Now
by Transister playing)
Josie Geller!
Yeah!
I knew you could
do it, girl.
And as is custom,
the king and the queen
will now have
their first dance.
(Erase/Rewind
by The Cardigans playing)
I never made it
to my prom.
Really?
I only made it to
the parking lot.
Tell me what
you're thinking.
I was thinking
about Shakespeare,
how he described
a night like this.
"Look how the floor of heaven
is thick inlaid with
patines of bright gold."
what are you
thinking about?
My sword.
Oh.
Josie,
you rock my world.
You're, like,
the most amazing girl
that I've ever dated.
You're so fun to be with.
You're smart,
you're crazy.
You are...
You rock my world.
You said that already.
Yeah.
Erase and rewind
'Cause I've been
changing my mind
I've changed my mind
Is this chocolate? OK.
Hey.
Hi.
wow, you make a really
beautiful prom queen.
Really?
Thanks. So do you.
I always feel like
kind of a goofball
in these penguin suits,
Iike I'm at
my own wedding.
Do you...
Do you wanna...
OK.
Hello.
Aldys, I figured
that since it's prom,
Iet's put all
the shit behind us.
I would love nothing more
than to dance with you.
(Please, Please, Please,
Let Me Get what I want
by the Smiths playing)
All right.
That's, of course,
if it's OK with the rest
of the double helix.
Yes? OK.
You know, it's funny.
Proms always make
me a little sad.
They're so final,
you know?
Graduation,
everyone scattering,
moving on.
Is your girlfriend here?
No. No, I'm alone.
In fact,
we broke up last week.
Really?
That's funny
because, actually,
"prom" comes from
"promenade",
and you can't
promenade alone, can you?
You're amazing,
Josie Geller.
Have you thought about
Dartmouth any more?
Yes.
And there's something
that I wanna tell you.
No, no, no.
Not now, not now!
There's something
I wanna tell you, too.
No! No!
I knew it!
You are a loser!
You ruined everything!
You so do not
deserve to be prom queen!
Let me tell you something.
I don't care about being
your stupid prom queen.
I'm 25 years old!
I'm an undercover reporter
for the Chicago Sun-Times.
And I have been
beating my brains out,
trying to impress you people!
Let me tell you something,
Gibby, Kirsten, Kristin.
You will spend your lives
trying to keep others down
because it makes you
feel more important!
why her?
Let me tell you
something about this girl.
She is unbelievable.
I was new here,
and she befriended me,
no questions asked.
But you,
you were only my friend
after my brother Rob
posed as a student
and told you to like me.
Robby Rob?
Ew.
All of you people,
there is a big
world out there.
Bigger than prom,
bigger than high school,
and it won't matter
if you were the prom queen
or the quarterback
of the football team
or the biggest nerd
in school.
Find out who you are
and try not to
be afraid of it.
Excuse me.
whoo! whoo! Yeah!
wow, that was
just like Carrie.
I thought she was
gonna kill us all.
All right, you guys.
Go, Rams!
All right.
Can somebody take
the Alpo girls outside
and hose 'em off?
South Glen,
class of 1999,
are you ready to party?
we lost the feed.
Gus is goin' nuts.
He's calling
every five minutes.
Did you get the story?
No.
Tell me you got
something on Coulson.
No!
I'm just gonna go.
So... Surprise.
"Surprise",
you were doing
a story on me?
No, I couldn't.
I mean, "surprise",
I was hoping...
what?
what?
You were hoping what?
That I'd be happy?
Because suddenly
I was allowed to be
attracted to you?
You were attracted to me?
Goddamn it.
You set me up
for a story.
No, I... I...
Just drop the act.
OK?
I mean, every word
out of your mouth
has been a complete lie.
I don't know you at all.
Look, if we
could just spend
some time together,
you could
get to know me again.
wait, please
don't walk away.
I just can't look
at you the same way.
Rob.
Hey, Josie.
I came by to check on you.
I was worried about you.
Really?
No, not really.
Not really, Josie.
How could you
do this to me?
I helped you.
I got you everything
you wanted.
And you repay me by
blowing everything
two days before
the championship!
I wasn't even thinking.
No, you weren't.
Did it occur to you
that the only time
I've been happy in
the past five years
is when I'm playing ball,
when I'm part of a team?
Josie, it's not even
about playing.
I taught those guys things.
I helped 'em.
My life had meaning.
I...
Just forget about it.
It's over.
Back to the Tiki Post.
Totally lame.
"Josie Geller
Blows Her Cover."
And we were scooped.
we've got nothing. Zippo.
Josie,
you totally and completely
screwed both of us.
Maybe I could
talk to Rigfort.
Tell him the whole story.
You know,
I'll tell you a story, OK?
It's about this
shy copy editor
who makes a total mockery
of herself and her boss
when she completely
botches her first
assignment as a reporter.
we are not screwed.
Yes, I made a mistake.
But we will
have a story, OK?
You will have
an amazing story.
Please.
Oh, please.
Oh, please.
(Closer to Myself
by Kendall Payne playing)
Excuse me, gentlemen,
I suggest you cover up
what you don't want seen.
Thank you.
Coach Romano?
Yeah?
I'm Josie Geller
from the Chicago Sun-Times.
I have a favor
to ask you.
Do you know
the sports guy,
Jim Lakin?
Sure, everybody
tries to get Big Jim
to come watch
their games. why?
what if I told you
that I can guarantee you
that Big Jim
and every other
reporter in the area
would cover your game?
I'd say you
could have whatever
you wanted, young lady.
Someone once told me
that to write well,
you have to
write what you know.
This is what I know.
I am 25 years old,
and I have never really
kissed a guy.
A geek to the core,
most of my childhood
was spent
doing extra homework
I requested from the teacher.
High school was
more of the same.
Then, at 1 7,
it seemed as if my luck
was about to change.
The cutest guy asked me
to the senior prom.
But it turned out
he invited me
as a cruel joke,
and I have
never fully recovered.
Yes, it is embarrassing
to share this with the world.
But it would be
hard to explain
what I learned
and how I learned it
without sharing this
humiliating history.
I received an assignment,
my first as a reporter,
to go back
to high school and find out
about kids today.
what I ended up finding
was myself,
and that high school
hasn 't changed.
There's still that
one teacher who marches
to her own drummer.
Those girls are still there,
the ones that,
even as you grow up,
will remain
the most beautiful girls
you have ever seen close up.
The smart kids,
who everyone else
knew as the brains,
but I just knew them
as my soul mates,
my teachers, my friends.
And there's still
that one guy,
with his
mysterious confidence,
who seems so perfect
in every way.
The guy you get up
and go to school for
in the morning.
South Glen
would not have been
the same without him.
High school
would not have been
the same without him.
I would not have
been the same
without him.
I lived a lifetime of regret
after my first
high-school experience.
And now, after my second,
my regrets are down to one.
A certain teacher
was hurt on my path
to self-discovery,
and, although this article
may serve as a step,
it in no way makes up
for what I did to him.
To this man,
you know who you are,
I am so sorry.
And I would like to
add one more thing...
(knock on door)
Movers.
Hang on a second.
I think I am
in love with you.
And so I propose this,
as an ending
to this article,
and perhaps a beginning to
the next chapter of my life,
I, Josie Geller,
will be at the state
championship baseball game,
where my friends,
the South Glen Rams,
are playing for the title.
I will stand on
the pitcher's mound
for five minutes,
prior to the first pitch.
If this man
accepts my apology,
I ask him to come kiss me
for my first real kiss.
Look over here!
Josie! Josie!
Thank you all for coming.
(Anita) Josie!
Oh, my God. There's so
many people here.
They're behind you.
They feel like
they know you.
It's romantic,
and they wanna be
a part of it.
I'm glad that
you guys are.
Oh, Anita!
Sweet Jesus,
I had no idea there'd be
this many TV crews here.
You held up your
end of this bargain.
Now get out there
and get him!
(smacks)
(crowd) Josie!
Josie! Josie!
Josie! Josie!
Josie! Josie!
Josie! we love you!
Thank you.
May I have
five minutes on
the clock, please?
Hi!
wieners!
I got hot wieners.
Hi, Mr. Rigfort.
Get in your own row!
I got wieners here.
Give 'em to me.
Thank you, Gus.
Have a wiener.
I love this.
Sun-Times readers
out here en masse,
relating personally to
one of our reporters.
It's amazing,
isn't it?
Eight, seven...
That is so wrong.
wait.
Mr. Coulson!
(cheering)
(Don't worry, Baby
by the Beach Boys playing)
well, it's been
building up inside of me
For, oh, I don't
know how long
Yeah, Mr. Coulson!
Yeah!
I don't know why
But I keep thinking
Something's bound to go wrong
But she looks in my eyes
And makes me realize
And she says
Don't worry, Baby
Everything will
turn out all right
Don 't worry, Baby
Sorry I'm late.
It took me forever
to get here.
I know what you mean.
She makes me come alive
And makes me wanna drive
when she says
Don't worry, Baby
Everything will
turn out all right
Don 't worry, Baby
All right.
Attagirl.
All right,
let's play ball, kids!
Come on!
She told me
Baby, when you race today
Just take along
my love with you
And if you knew
how much I loved you
Baby, nothing
could go wrong with you
Oh, what she does to me
when she makes love to me
(Innocent Journey
by Sonichrome playing)
Love is an innocent,
innocent journey
Love is the cancer,
love ain't benign
Love is what keeps you
going all the time now
Love it, don't leave it,
don't leave it behind
Love is for free
when people like me
Crossing the seas,
to look for that someone
Love is for free
when people like me
Set their sights on you
I'll know what to do
Love is what I came for
Love is what's in store for
Love is an innocent,
innocent journey
Love is a cancer,
love ain 't benign
Love is what keeps you
going all the time now
Love it, don 't leave it,
don 't leave it behind
Love is for free
when people like me
Crossing the seas,
looking for that
special someone
Love is for free
I've got eyes to see
Looking for someone
Love could come along
Love is what
you're waiting for
Love is what you came for
Love is an innocent,
innocent journey
Love is the cancer,
love ain 't benign
Love is what keeps you
going all the time now
Love it, don 't leave it,
don 't leave it
Love it, don 't leave it,
don 't leave it behind
(Until You Loved Me
by the Moffatts playing)
Monday morning
came too soon
I think about you now
Layin ' in my room
Hearing everything you said
I play it back
A hundred times in my head
Then I slip into a dream
The feelin ' inside
Is ten stories high
Never knew what love was
Until you loved me
Never knew what love was
Oh, yeah
'Cause it feels
so good sometimes
Don 't you know
it feels so bad sometimes,
The way you loved me,
loved me
The way you loved me,
loved me
You know that I want you
You know that I need you
Never knew what love was
Until you loved me
Never knew what love was
Oh, yeah
'Cause it feels
so good sometimes
Don't you know
it feels so bad sometimes
The way you loved me,
loved me
The way you loved me,
loved me
English - US - PSDH