Never Give a Sucker an Even Break (1941) Movie Script
How are you, Chuck?
Hello, Gorgeous. Oh, say, your
daughter's looking for you.
Oh, thanks.
I'll take the next bus.
Okay, Gorgeous.
Oh, hello, Mother.
Who're you doubling today?
Lydia Flickham
in an aerial act.
Be careful.
Say, I thought you were
supposed to be rehearsing.
I haven't even started yet.
Well, you knock them over in that
rehearsal and I'll let you support me.
Uncle Bill said if he sells the
script, you won't have to work anymore.
Oh, your Uncle Bill is too good.
We owe him too much already.
Look what I found
this morning.
Close your eyes.
Wish.
Was that a buptkie!
You're about to fall heir
to a kitters stocking.
What's a kitters stocking?
A sock on the puss.
Another buptkie.
Raspberries!
Raspberries!
Raspberries!
Raspberries!
Raspberries!
Hiya, tootie pie.
Everything under control?
Who are you talking to?
All five of them
hit me at once.
Hi.
It's a lucky thing
I recognized you.
I thought it was that guy
coming back again.
I was about to
clout your brains out.
How about a part in this new
picture you're going to do?
Go away or I'll kill you.
You're all right.
You're all set.
Thank you, Mr. Fields.
How would you
like to hide the egg
and gurgitate a few
saucers of mocha java?
No, thanks.
I've just had breakfast.
Oh, you have, eh? Well, call
me up at sometime at the house.
What time?
Oh, a couple o'clock.
Good morning, beautiful.
What do you hear
from Garcia?
A ringer!
Got a menu?
Thank you. Thank you.
Is there any goulash
on this menu?
That's roast beef gravy.
Oh, it's roast beef gravy.
Is that steak
New York cut?
What about...
No extra charge
for the cold shower, I hope.
Do you think
it's too hot for pork chops?
That practically eliminates
everything but ham and eggs.
Forgot about that.
No ham?
Two fomented eggs
in a glass.
Cup.
Yes. Cup.
And some whole wheat...
White.
Some white bread, yes.
And a... Get away from there.
And a cup of
mocha java with cream.
Milk.
Milk. Yes, that's fine.
Two in the water! Easy!
I don't know
why I ever come in here.
Flies get
the best of everything.
Go away. Go away.
Get away. Go on.
Oh, yes, Mr. Pangborn.
Yes, we just made it.
Yes, I'll have Gloria Jean
ready whenever you say.
All right.
Thank you, Mr. Pangborn.
And another thing, you're
always squawking about something.
If it isn't the steak,
it's something else.
I didn't squawk
about the steak, dear.
I merely said
I didn't see that old horse
that used to be
tethered outside here.
You're as funny
as a cry for help.
You also pulled that old gag about
breaking your fork in the gravy.
I didn't say anything about
breaking the fork in the gravy.
Usert you be
an old Folies girl?
You know, there's something
awfully big about you.
Thank you, dear.
Thank you, dear.
Your nose.
Something awfully big
about you, too.
Hiya, Tiny.
Hiya, Joe.
Give me a cup of jamo.
Probably means mocha java.
What's the amount
of the insult?
That'll be 35 cents.
Thirty-five cents.
Thank you.
Have you any
imported cigars?
Stingaroos. Four for a nickel.
Oh, that's fine
as long as they're imported.
You know, if anybody ever comes
in here and gives you a $10 tip,
scrutinize it carefully
because there's a lot of
counterfeit money going around.
I'll give you the dough.
Don't... Here. There.
If I get any counterfeit nickels or
pennies, I'll know where they came from.
You're so clever.
Who told you I was clever?
All your friends
at the studio told me.
Oh, drat! I told them
not to tell you.
And another thing. Don't
be so free with your hands.
Listen, honey, I was only
trying to guess your weight.
You take things too seriously.
Baloney, mahoney, malarkey,
you big kabloona!
Kabloona? I haven't been
called that for two days.
I suffered from
high blood pressure for years.
Then I lost my dough
and I had to give it up.
Very comical.
Look at that hat.
It's nice. That's fine.
Arert you a little confused?
Uh...
In which way?
Your hat.
Thanks 1,000 times, yes.
Mistook it.
Thank you.
Excuse me, blimpie pie.
I forgot to take
the cellophane off.
Very fortunate
it didn't burn my hat.
One, two, three,
four, five...
One, two...
With a hot
cha cha and a boop boop de doop
And a scaddily,
daddily, dinky dee
You can dig, dig, dug
while you cut a rug
When you waddily,
daddily, doodle with me
With a hot cha cha
and a boop boop de doop
And a scaddily,
daddily, dinky dee
You can dig, dig, dug
while you cut a rug
When you waddily, daddily,
doodle with me
With a hot cha cha
and a boop boop de doop
And a scaddily,
daddily, dinky dee
You can dig, dig, dug
while you cut a rug
When you waddily,
daddily, doodle with me
Johnson!
Johnson!
Johnson!
Quiet!
All right, Gloria Jean,
we'll rehearse the number.
You know, we have to get
this set finished by morning.
Well, what am I
supposed to do about it?
Let my men
continue working.
They only have to stop
while we rehearse.
Now, I'll give you one whistle for
quiet and two whistles to resume work.
Is that okay,
Mr. Pangborn?
Well...
Quiet!
This...
This is not the song
that you are to sing.
This is the song
Uncle Bill told me to sing.
Uncle who?
Mr. Fields.
Swish swash.
This is the number
that you are to sing.
All right...
Quiet!
Quiet!
Johnson.
Why do I have to work
on a stage as busy as this
with 48 stages
in this studio?
I'm sorry, Mr. Pangborn,
but they're all busy.
Busy?
I don't like this song.
Neither do I, Gloria.
Come on, we might as well
let him have it.
I hear a song so gay
I hear it all the day
I hear it bring
A message of spring
Birds and flowers
Leafy bowers
Greet the sun on high
Night and day
Breezes play
Gently
Stop!
Quiet!
No, no, no, Gloria Jean.
I want more life.
Gaily through
the swaying trees
Darting sunbeams
light the forest
While the zephyrs
kiss the murmuring leaves
Sweetly fragrant
With the breath of spring
High in the sky above
Birds are winging
Loudly singing
No! No!
How many times
do I have to tell you?
Is a welcome again to spring
One, two, three, four.
One, two, three, four.
One, two, three, four.
To spring
Love fills the air
Love's everywhere
Every lover is sighing
Of love undying
No, no, no, Gloria Jean.
Not like that.
Like this.
Lunch! One hour!
Now, Gloria Jean, you've got to
do this number all the way through.
One.
Sing then about
Joyous springtime
Timber!
Stop it!
Stop it!
Hello, Uncle Bill.
Where are you going?
I'm going to the studio
to read my script.
Don't you think
I'd better go in with you?
Oh, no, dear.
I'll be all right.
Don't let them chisel you.
I won't, dear.
You ought to be in there
rehearsing with Buddy and Butch.
I can't find them.
Well, go in there
and look for them.
Godfrey Daniel!
Hold your temper.
Count 10.
Now, let her go.
You got a good aim.
A beauty.
She'll get us! Come on!
She'll get us!
Good morning.
I have an engagement
for a story conference.
You big hoddy-doddy.
You smoke vile cigars all day
and drink whiskey half the night.
Some day you'll drown
in a vat of whiskey.
Drown in a vat of whiskey?
"Death, where is thy sting?"
Goodbye.
Thank you.
Shortest interview on record.
I beg your pardon.
What did you say?
I have an engagement
to read my script.
What was the name?
W. C. Bill Fields.
Glad to know you, Mr. Fields.
Glad to know you.
Step right into my office.
Yes, I will, too.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Well, that's... Well...
Excuse me.
Well, watch your step here.
Oh, drat! Oh, drat!
You're all right, Fields?
Oh!
Hello, dear.
Pardon me, Mr. Fields.
But my wife is not going to be
dragged in and out of your picture
by the hair of her head.
Of course,
this is only a rough draft.
You've got to
bear with me a half a tick.
And you'll have to take
that crab net off, dear.
Here's one of the scenes.
Do you mind being seated?
Oh, oh, no. My dear.
"You pass the pool hall.
"They're playing for
the championship of the world
"including the $2 side bet.
"You are riding in a jeep
on a sidewalk with a sailor.
"The scene intrigues you.
"You hop off while it is going. In
the circus scene, you wear a beard. "
I wear a beard?
Yeah, a small beard,
a Vandyke.
Just little... You know what
a Vandyke is, don't you?
I certainly do.
Oh.
You enter the pool hall.
"The contender for the
championship just ripped the cloth,
"which causes the ball... "
Good morning, Mr. Pangborn.
Good morning,
Mrs. Pastromi.
Take that Groucho Marx
out of here, please.
"... which causes the ball
to leap off the table. "
Just a moment, please.
Hello?
Oh, it's the other phone.
Hello? Yes. Yes, she's here.
It's for you, Mrs. Pastromi.
"Strong men faint.
Some feint with their rights
"and some feint with
their lefts. " Hello? Yes.
I can't hear you.
You'll have to talk louder.
"He faints. "
I'm talking as loud as I can.
Yeah.
Don't we always have
spaghetti for dinner? Yeah.
All right, we'll have raviolis.
"And you rush over... "
Of course, I'll be home.
What time is it?
"... and put his head
in your lap. "
I can't hear you. Goodbye.
Well, goodbye.
Thank you, Mrs. Pastromi.
You're welcome.
Then you go off to the local
barber shop and get shaved
and play the rest of the scene
and the picture
with an absolutely clean face.
Oh, well, all right.
We can cut that out.
If you don't mind, Mr. Fields,
I'll read it myself.
I get a better feel, capture the mood
and the tempo better that way, you see.
It's in English, isn't it?
"A long shot of streamlined plane
with open-air, rear observation... "
"With open-air,
rear observation compartment.
"In the plane is the
handsome hero, Bill Fields
"and his little niece,
Gloria Jean,
"who are winging their way
toward the Russian village
"in the strange
and distant land of... "
Are you happy?
You bet I am, Uncle.
Must be a Shriners'
convention in town.
Or maybe
he's a cigarette salesman.
I beg your pardon.
That's quite all right.
It doesn't matter.
I hope he hasn't brought his
polo ponies on board with him.
They'll be pawing all night
and keep us awake.
Good night, Uncle.
Good night, dear.
Now don't you worry. I'll be right over
here in the upper berth next to you.
All right.
What's the matter,
did you sprain your ankle?
No, no, no, a dog bit me.
Yeah, I was playing croquet
and I dropped my mallet.
And a little dachshund
ran straight out
and grabbed me by the fetlock.
Rather fortunate it wasrt a
Newfoundland dog that bit you.
Yes, rather.
I suppose so.
I'm sleeping here somewhere,
but I don't quite know where.
Well, there's no other place to sleep
if you don't sleep in the plane here.
That's right.
No hotels around anywhere.
Here you are, Mr. Fields.
Well, thank you.
Where are you supposed to sleep,
in that little hammock up there?
Yes, sir.
Good night, Uncle Bill.
Good night, dear.
I'll be right
across the way, dear.
I'll be up here all alone,
except that fly. Get out of there.
Get the other leg, please.
Thanks.
I use both of them, usually.
There's some answers
in my cap again.
Time to get up, sir.
We're landing shortly.
Are you airsick?
No, dear.
Somebody put too many olives
in my martinis, last night.
Shall I get you a Bromo?
No, I couldn't
stand the noise.
Time to get up, little lady.
Get up, dear.
Okay.
We're landing
in a few minutes... Half hour.
Two or three... What time
did she say we were landing?
Maybe we're not going to land.
Go back to sleep again.
Chickens,
they lay eggs in Kansas
Chickens,
they lay eggs in Kansas
Chickens lay eggs
as big as nutmegs
The chickens
lay eggs in Kansas
Chickens have pretty legs
in Kansas
Chickens have pretty legs
in Kansas
That is really not a joke
One rolled me for my poke
Chickens have pretty legs
in Kansas
Yeah, those clouds look
just as fleecy as...
Clouds.
There's enough material there
for a Ringling Brother's big top.
Maybe a smuggler.
You a big nose have it.
Oh, that's a surprise to me.
I say, I should take that
as a personal insult.
Yeah, I should, too.
I you hate, too.
He hates you, too.
Here, here, I say. Half a
tick, old man, half a tick.
Steady on, old man,
steady on.
I have a big nose,
have I, eh?
You me
on the head hitted.
Say, boys, let me out of this
thing. I'm neutral. Go ahead.
Forgot my soap, forgot my
razor, I forgot everything.
Pardon me.
No wonder they call this
a giant airliner.
Do you travel as one person, or
did you get a party rate of 10?
Okay, don't answer.
Here. Oh, here you are.
Here.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
I didn't sleep well
last night.
You didn't?
I'm troubled with insomnia.
Oh, insomnia.
Well, I know a good cure for it. Yeah?
Get plenty of sleep.
Sleep, huh?
That's what
the doctor told me.
Toothbrush.
At least you're not on the plane
in the morning when I get off.
Excuse me.
Always brush them down
like that. Brush them down.
Never across like that.
No, no, no, no.
That's what it says in the
latest etiquette book. Yeah.
Oh, I got more cleaner.
I need more.
Must have just
gone through a cloud.
That's a hot one.
You were shaving me
and I'm shaving you.
Are you ready, dear?
Be ready in a jiffy.
A jiffy? Oh, okay.
Well, I'll meet you
on the back platform, dear.
All right.
Okay, dear.
Hello, there.
Oh, miss.
What inclement weather.
What are you drinking,
Uncle Bill?
Oh, just a little ginger ale,
dear. Pull up a chair there.
You know, Uncle Bill, I've been
thinking. Why didn't you ever marry?
I was in love with
a beautiful blonde once, dear.
She drove me to drink. That's the
one thing I'm indebted to her for.
Go and pack your little
portmanteau, will you, dear?
All right.
Uncle Bill!
Uncle Bill!
Oh, boy.
Why didn't I think of that
parachute? Well, there she goes.
What a bump.
And how fortunate...
How do you do?
Do you live here?
What are you?
I'm an American citizen.
An American eagle?
No, it's the first time I've ever
been up in a plane in my life.
I'm just a man.
Man?
I never heard
that word before.
You didn't?
Are you really a man?
Well, I've been called
other things.
I've never seen one before
in all my life.
You never have, eh?
Mother brought me to the nest here
when I was only three months old.
Oh, she did, eh?
And you've never seen a man?
Do you ever play
the game of squidgilum?
No. The only game
I've ever played is bean bag.
Bean bag? Oh, it's very good.
Becomes very exciting at times.
I saw the championship played in
Paris. Many people were killed.
Pull up a chair.
Get a little closer here.
You're too far away.
Wait a minute.
Maybe I'm the one.
Now, you put your hands
on your head that way.
That's it. Now, close your
eyes and pucker your lips a bit.
Shall we play another rubber?
Why, Mother.
Romulus and Remus.
What are you doing here?
Mother, this is a man.
He fell out of an airplane and
brought a wonderful new game to us.
It's called squidgilum.
You pull two chairs together.
Place your hands on your head
in this fashion.
Then you close your eyes, and then
you both press your lips together.
I'll try it with him.
Mother knows best.
Close your eyes, Mother.
Men, men, they're all alike.
They'll deceive you
as your father did me.
He kissed a chorus girl and
when I found it out, he said,
"Oh, I was drunk and didn't
know what I was doing. "
Do you think he drinks?
He didn't get that nose
from playing Ping-Pong.
What a catastrophe.
Just a minute, Mr. Fields.
There is a limit to everything.
This script is an insult to a
mars intelligence, even mine.
You drop from a plane,
10,000 feet in the air,
and you land on a divan
without a scratch.
You play post office
with a beautiful blonde,
and then you throw yourself
over a cliff in a basket.
It's impossible,
inconceivable, incomprehensible.
And besides that,
it's no good.
And as for the continuity,
it's terrible.
And for my own information, off the
record, what's happened to Gloria Jean?
Where has she been
all this time?
Oh. Oh, I see. Here, she is.
"Poor little Gloria almost in
tears, waiting at the airport,
"not knowing which way to
turn, when suddenly... "
Telephone, honey.
Hello? Uncle Bill!
Where are you? What?
Yes. Yes, I'll be right over.
How do you get to
the Russian village?
I'll take care of it.
I fell out of an airplane
whilst trying to retrieve
a bottle of golden nectar
and landed on
the pinnacle of yonder rock,
where is domiciled a vision of
loveliness, if ever there was one,
and her mother, a buzzard,
if ever there was one.
If that girl is as beautiful as you
say, I'll scale the wall tomorrow.
I've heard about them.
They say the old buzzard's husband walked
out on her before the girl was born.
And the buzzard vowed that the daughter
would never see or hear the name "man"
as long as she lived.
They also say the old gal
has a bank roll so big,
a greyhound
couldn't leap over it.
Yeah?
Well, she seems
to have a kind heart, too.
Maybe you could induce her
to come down and talk turkey
to one that really loves her
and has her interest at heart.
She seemed like
an awfully nice woman to me,
now that
I come to think of it.
Hey, hey, hey.
Two goat milks.
Two what?
Mmm-hmm.
You will love it.
I'm not so sure about that.
Well, yes, yes, this is...
This is a great drink.
Havert you any red-eye?
It's good. Good.
Well, it hasn't killed you.
Of course not.
Uncle Bill!
Hello, dear.
Dear, I'm so glad
you arrived safely.
And this is my little niece,
Gloria Jean.
This is Mr., eh...
Roberts.
Mr. Roberts. And this
is Mr., uh... Carson.
Mr. Carson. Yeah.
What are you drinking,
Uncle Bill?
I'm drinking
goat's milk, dear.
What kind of goat's milk?
A nanny goat's milk.
It's very sweet.
Gargo.
Gargo!
Gargo.
Hello.
Hello.
Have you ever
played squidgilum?
No, I've never
heard of it.
Oh, well, we...
We place our hands
on our head thus.
Then we close our eyes.
And then
we press our lips together.
Go ahead.
Isn't it fun?
The man
that was up here yesterday
said this was a national game
where he came from.
You must be a professional.
Did the man who came up here
yesterday play this game with you?
Yes, he did. But when
mother wanted to play,
something frightened him
and he dived over the parapet.
Why, the old reprobate.
Let's play squidgy.
If a body meet a body
Comir through the rye
If a body kiss a body
Need a body cry?
Every lassie has her laddie
Nane, they say
Ha'e I
Yet
All the lads they smile on me
When comir through
The rye
When the body met the body
The body to the body said
Oh, body, you're somebody
You ought to get ahead
Every lassie has her laddie
But I'll be different I think
I'm gonna find a daddy
That dress me up in mink
Then we'll ride, ride, ride
A- comir through
the rye, rye, rye
A- comir through the rye
Yes, indeedy, daddy
We'll be comir on
Through the rye
Marvelous, wonderful, amazing.
The girl has been living on a mountain
top since she was three months old
and for no reason at all, suddenly
blossoms out with jumping jive.
Do you actually think I'm a
dope? Now, don't you answer that.
Let's get on with it anyway.
Squidge.
Are you sure you've lived here
since you were three months old?
Squidge.
Well, who is...
Who are you?
Mrs. Hemogloben.
Who?
Mrs. Hemogloben.
Give me another transfusion.
Hemo... Homoglo...
Oh, you're not the dame
that has all that...
I mean,
you're the beautiful lady
that has the house
on top of the hill.
Oh, all of my life, I've been
craving love of this kind.
Oh, love.
I don't think you can get
that cricket bat in here.
Yeah, sure.
What kind of a bird
is that, Uncle Bill?
Oh, it's a philliloo bird,
dear.
Flies backwards.
Flies backwards?
Yes, it lives
in the desert.
Flies backwards to keep
the sand out of its eyes.
I wonder where the contraption
is that starts this thing.
Did it hurt you, Uncle?
No, how could a rock dropping
from 1,000 feet hurt your head?
Here we go.
You can see all over
the country, can't you?
Oh, for a Maxwell parachute.
What's
a Maxwell parachute?
Good until the last drop,
dear. Here we go again.
Ready, children?
Now wait, folks.
My dear Mrs. Hemogloben,
a token of my love
and esteem.
What a voracious appetite
that little bird had. I... Oh.
Here they are.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Fly away.
He'll stay around.
May I?
Oh, please do.
Thank you.
Once when I...
Oh, dear. Are you hurt?
I can't tell yet.
Oh, my.
Drat!
Pardon me.
May I remove the basket?
Yes, please do.
Thank you.
Good gracious.
Yes.
Oh, my!
Oh, I'm so sorry.
It's quite all right,
quite all right.
Can you do
anything with it?
I think I can do
something with it.
I don't know what yet.
My Uncle Bill.
But I still love him.
My dear Mrs. Hemogloben,
when I first saw you I was so
enamored with your beauty...
Oh, Mr. Fields.
...I ran to the basket,
jumped in,
went down to the city and
bought myself a wedding outfit.
And now I'm here to lay
my heart at your feet.
You are so full of romance.
Every night, every night. What's
the matter with this thing?
Sit down on it again,
will you? So I can get up.
Let me help you.
Oh, dear, everything
seems to be going wrong.
Yes, it does.
Mother!
Mother, Mr. Carson and I are gonna
be married and right away, too.
Mr. Fields brought up the owner
of the cantina, Mr. Clines.
He's sheriff, magistrate
and mayor of the village.
He's going to
marry us immediately.
Why not make it a double-header?
It's Saturday afternoon,
and I haven't anything to do.
Mr. Fields,
this is so sudden.
I'm so happy.
And so am I.
Hello there!
My dream girl!
Leon!
My bon ami!
Have you seen our... My...
Her hanging swimming pool?
Hanging swimming...
No.
Say, dear, why don't I show
him the hanging swimming pool?
Hanging swimming pool? Where
is this hanging swimming...
Why, right here. Get up on there
and you can see it a little better.
It's gonna be better?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah!
Help! Help! Help!
Suffering sciatica.
The last time
it was pink elephants.
Oh, you're back.
Yeah.
The poor chap
just had a mishap.
Oh, that's too bad.
Slipped over the parapet.
Oh, my!
Shall we proceed
with the ceremony?
Just as you say.
Thank you, Mrs. Hemogloben.
May I call you Daisy?
Oh, I wish you would.
Uncle Bill.
Yes, dear?
May I see you a minute?
Certainly. Excuse me,
Mrs. Hemogloben.
Certainly.
What is it? Uncle Bill, I
don't want you to get married.
You listen to me, missy. Don't you
want to live in this beautiful nest?
Have a personal maid?
No.
Wear diaphanous gowns?
And eat regularly?
I just want to be with you.
You'll be with me.
But she'll be with us.
I never thought of that.
We're falling 2,000 feet!
It's all right, dear.
Don't start worrying
until we get down to 1,999!
It's the last foot
that's dangerous.
That's all! That's enough!
That's too much!
Airplanes with sun decks!
Russian villages in the sky!
Gorillas playing post office!
Cows, sheep, goat's milk!
I am going and when I get back
you'd better not be here.
I don't care
where you go, just go!
Go, go get a drink! Get two
drinks! Get a dozen drinks!
Give me a drink.
I'm dying.
What'll it be?
Jumbo ice-cream soda.
What flavor?
Oh, I don't care. Spinach,
horseradish, anything you got there.
I'll give you peach.
Oh, thank you. Thank you.
I feel as though somebody stepped
on my tongue with muddy feet.
This scene was supposed to be in a
saloon, but the censor cut it out.
It'll play just as well.
Oh, come on! Where's my drink?
It's killers like you
that give the West a bad name.
Give me a couple of
ladyfingers, will you, please?
Thank you.
Ah, that's better.
So long, Tom. I'd rather
be in a saloon at that.
Don't you worry about it.
But Uncle Bill
said he's going away.
Fine, fine. I mean, now don't
worry about your Uncle Bill.
He's lived his life
and ruined mine.
Now it's you
we've got to think about.
You're young, you've got a
great career ahead of you.
You're gonna do big things.
Maybe Uncle Bill
can write you another story.
No, no, no, don't say that.
I never want to see him again.
He's a numbskull.
Do you know what Uncle would
do if he heard you say that?
No. What would your uncle do
if he heard me say that?
This.
And if Uncle Bill doesn't work
here anymore, I don't either.
But I don't want you to go
away without me, Uncle Bill.
But the enterprise on which
I'm about to embark on
is fraught with eminent peril,
much too dangerous for a young
lady of your tender years.
Another thing, I promised your
mother I'd look out for you.
But how can you
look out for me
when I'm here and
you're way down there?
You want to go to school,
don't you?
No.
You want to grow up
and be dumb like Zasu Pitts?
She only acts like that
in pictures. I like her.
Don't you want to be smart?
No.
I want to be like you.
Don't you think I'm smart?
Not very.
I don't like teachers, anyhow.
There's no sense in arguing
with a woman. You go with me...
Yippee!
Look out, dear!
Who do you think you're
backing into, you big lummox?
Hello, Officer. Here's $1.25.
Go in there and buy
yourself several outfits.
We're liable
to be down there a year.
Okay. Thanks, Uncle.
You're welcome, dear.
Hello, Officer.
Am I too near
the plug or something?
I can move out in a minute.
Move out in a minute...
Calling car number 202.
Calling car number 202.
Go immediately
to North National Bank.
Get necessary information
regarding two crooks
who have just held up
the bank for $150,000.
150,000, that is all.
"That is all"? $150,000,
that's all? It ain't hay, is it?
Car 202, bank robbery. North
National Bank has been held up.
One crook, slight build,
evidently a jockey,
has a horse scar
behind his left ear.
Must be some ear
to get a horse car behind it.
Keep quiet. Please.
Other crook has corn teeth,
cauliflower ear, apple-red
cheeks, muttonchop whiskers.
Sounds like a full-course
dinner to me. What, no apple pie?
Oh, shut up.
Now it's blue for a boy
and pink for a girl, isn't it?
Yes.
Well, I'll take
the pink one.
Is that the right time?
Yes, it's western postal time.
I have to get these down
to the baby hospital.
I'm leaving for Salt Lake
this afternoon. Here.
I'll see you
when I get back.
All right, Mrs. Wilson.
Yes, get me a taxi.
I've got to get to the
Maternity Hospital, right away.
If I can be
of any assistance...
Can you rush this lady
to the Maternity Hospital?
Yes, yes, get in the back.
And tell my niece
to meet me...
I'll take care of her, sir.
Slow down!
Take it easy, please!
I can't get her down
any further.
This is all I can get
out of this old crate.
Maternity Hospital.
Fourteenth and B Street.
Okay.
Where do you think
you're going, to a fire?
Maternity Hospital.
Okay, tomato-puss,
follow me.
Short cut to the hospital!
Darn those drunken painters!
Get out of the way!
Move! Out of the way!
Look out there! Look out!
What a splendid view
of Californian climate.
He said the fire
is back there!
Go back!
Tell him to make up his mind!
Stretcher!
Quiet.
Where am I?
Quiet, please. You'll
alarm the other patients.
What do I care about the other
patients? Where are my clothes?
Go away from me!
Just a minute. Just a minute.
Just a minute nothing. Give me
my clothes and let me out of here.
Wait a minute!
Uncle Bill, are you all right?
Lucky I didn't have an accident,
I'd have never gotten here.
My Uncle Bill, but I still love him.
Hello, Gorgeous. Oh, say, your
daughter's looking for you.
Oh, thanks.
I'll take the next bus.
Okay, Gorgeous.
Oh, hello, Mother.
Who're you doubling today?
Lydia Flickham
in an aerial act.
Be careful.
Say, I thought you were
supposed to be rehearsing.
I haven't even started yet.
Well, you knock them over in that
rehearsal and I'll let you support me.
Uncle Bill said if he sells the
script, you won't have to work anymore.
Oh, your Uncle Bill is too good.
We owe him too much already.
Look what I found
this morning.
Close your eyes.
Wish.
Was that a buptkie!
You're about to fall heir
to a kitters stocking.
What's a kitters stocking?
A sock on the puss.
Another buptkie.
Raspberries!
Raspberries!
Raspberries!
Raspberries!
Raspberries!
Hiya, tootie pie.
Everything under control?
Who are you talking to?
All five of them
hit me at once.
Hi.
It's a lucky thing
I recognized you.
I thought it was that guy
coming back again.
I was about to
clout your brains out.
How about a part in this new
picture you're going to do?
Go away or I'll kill you.
You're all right.
You're all set.
Thank you, Mr. Fields.
How would you
like to hide the egg
and gurgitate a few
saucers of mocha java?
No, thanks.
I've just had breakfast.
Oh, you have, eh? Well, call
me up at sometime at the house.
What time?
Oh, a couple o'clock.
Good morning, beautiful.
What do you hear
from Garcia?
A ringer!
Got a menu?
Thank you. Thank you.
Is there any goulash
on this menu?
That's roast beef gravy.
Oh, it's roast beef gravy.
Is that steak
New York cut?
What about...
No extra charge
for the cold shower, I hope.
Do you think
it's too hot for pork chops?
That practically eliminates
everything but ham and eggs.
Forgot about that.
No ham?
Two fomented eggs
in a glass.
Cup.
Yes. Cup.
And some whole wheat...
White.
Some white bread, yes.
And a... Get away from there.
And a cup of
mocha java with cream.
Milk.
Milk. Yes, that's fine.
Two in the water! Easy!
I don't know
why I ever come in here.
Flies get
the best of everything.
Go away. Go away.
Get away. Go on.
Oh, yes, Mr. Pangborn.
Yes, we just made it.
Yes, I'll have Gloria Jean
ready whenever you say.
All right.
Thank you, Mr. Pangborn.
And another thing, you're
always squawking about something.
If it isn't the steak,
it's something else.
I didn't squawk
about the steak, dear.
I merely said
I didn't see that old horse
that used to be
tethered outside here.
You're as funny
as a cry for help.
You also pulled that old gag about
breaking your fork in the gravy.
I didn't say anything about
breaking the fork in the gravy.
Usert you be
an old Folies girl?
You know, there's something
awfully big about you.
Thank you, dear.
Thank you, dear.
Your nose.
Something awfully big
about you, too.
Hiya, Tiny.
Hiya, Joe.
Give me a cup of jamo.
Probably means mocha java.
What's the amount
of the insult?
That'll be 35 cents.
Thirty-five cents.
Thank you.
Have you any
imported cigars?
Stingaroos. Four for a nickel.
Oh, that's fine
as long as they're imported.
You know, if anybody ever comes
in here and gives you a $10 tip,
scrutinize it carefully
because there's a lot of
counterfeit money going around.
I'll give you the dough.
Don't... Here. There.
If I get any counterfeit nickels or
pennies, I'll know where they came from.
You're so clever.
Who told you I was clever?
All your friends
at the studio told me.
Oh, drat! I told them
not to tell you.
And another thing. Don't
be so free with your hands.
Listen, honey, I was only
trying to guess your weight.
You take things too seriously.
Baloney, mahoney, malarkey,
you big kabloona!
Kabloona? I haven't been
called that for two days.
I suffered from
high blood pressure for years.
Then I lost my dough
and I had to give it up.
Very comical.
Look at that hat.
It's nice. That's fine.
Arert you a little confused?
Uh...
In which way?
Your hat.
Thanks 1,000 times, yes.
Mistook it.
Thank you.
Excuse me, blimpie pie.
I forgot to take
the cellophane off.
Very fortunate
it didn't burn my hat.
One, two, three,
four, five...
One, two...
With a hot
cha cha and a boop boop de doop
And a scaddily,
daddily, dinky dee
You can dig, dig, dug
while you cut a rug
When you waddily,
daddily, doodle with me
With a hot cha cha
and a boop boop de doop
And a scaddily,
daddily, dinky dee
You can dig, dig, dug
while you cut a rug
When you waddily, daddily,
doodle with me
With a hot cha cha
and a boop boop de doop
And a scaddily,
daddily, dinky dee
You can dig, dig, dug
while you cut a rug
When you waddily,
daddily, doodle with me
Johnson!
Johnson!
Johnson!
Quiet!
All right, Gloria Jean,
we'll rehearse the number.
You know, we have to get
this set finished by morning.
Well, what am I
supposed to do about it?
Let my men
continue working.
They only have to stop
while we rehearse.
Now, I'll give you one whistle for
quiet and two whistles to resume work.
Is that okay,
Mr. Pangborn?
Well...
Quiet!
This...
This is not the song
that you are to sing.
This is the song
Uncle Bill told me to sing.
Uncle who?
Mr. Fields.
Swish swash.
This is the number
that you are to sing.
All right...
Quiet!
Quiet!
Johnson.
Why do I have to work
on a stage as busy as this
with 48 stages
in this studio?
I'm sorry, Mr. Pangborn,
but they're all busy.
Busy?
I don't like this song.
Neither do I, Gloria.
Come on, we might as well
let him have it.
I hear a song so gay
I hear it all the day
I hear it bring
A message of spring
Birds and flowers
Leafy bowers
Greet the sun on high
Night and day
Breezes play
Gently
Stop!
Quiet!
No, no, no, Gloria Jean.
I want more life.
Gaily through
the swaying trees
Darting sunbeams
light the forest
While the zephyrs
kiss the murmuring leaves
Sweetly fragrant
With the breath of spring
High in the sky above
Birds are winging
Loudly singing
No! No!
How many times
do I have to tell you?
Is a welcome again to spring
One, two, three, four.
One, two, three, four.
One, two, three, four.
To spring
Love fills the air
Love's everywhere
Every lover is sighing
Of love undying
No, no, no, Gloria Jean.
Not like that.
Like this.
Lunch! One hour!
Now, Gloria Jean, you've got to
do this number all the way through.
One.
Sing then about
Joyous springtime
Timber!
Stop it!
Stop it!
Hello, Uncle Bill.
Where are you going?
I'm going to the studio
to read my script.
Don't you think
I'd better go in with you?
Oh, no, dear.
I'll be all right.
Don't let them chisel you.
I won't, dear.
You ought to be in there
rehearsing with Buddy and Butch.
I can't find them.
Well, go in there
and look for them.
Godfrey Daniel!
Hold your temper.
Count 10.
Now, let her go.
You got a good aim.
A beauty.
She'll get us! Come on!
She'll get us!
Good morning.
I have an engagement
for a story conference.
You big hoddy-doddy.
You smoke vile cigars all day
and drink whiskey half the night.
Some day you'll drown
in a vat of whiskey.
Drown in a vat of whiskey?
"Death, where is thy sting?"
Goodbye.
Thank you.
Shortest interview on record.
I beg your pardon.
What did you say?
I have an engagement
to read my script.
What was the name?
W. C. Bill Fields.
Glad to know you, Mr. Fields.
Glad to know you.
Step right into my office.
Yes, I will, too.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Well, that's... Well...
Excuse me.
Well, watch your step here.
Oh, drat! Oh, drat!
You're all right, Fields?
Oh!
Hello, dear.
Pardon me, Mr. Fields.
But my wife is not going to be
dragged in and out of your picture
by the hair of her head.
Of course,
this is only a rough draft.
You've got to
bear with me a half a tick.
And you'll have to take
that crab net off, dear.
Here's one of the scenes.
Do you mind being seated?
Oh, oh, no. My dear.
"You pass the pool hall.
"They're playing for
the championship of the world
"including the $2 side bet.
"You are riding in a jeep
on a sidewalk with a sailor.
"The scene intrigues you.
"You hop off while it is going. In
the circus scene, you wear a beard. "
I wear a beard?
Yeah, a small beard,
a Vandyke.
Just little... You know what
a Vandyke is, don't you?
I certainly do.
Oh.
You enter the pool hall.
"The contender for the
championship just ripped the cloth,
"which causes the ball... "
Good morning, Mr. Pangborn.
Good morning,
Mrs. Pastromi.
Take that Groucho Marx
out of here, please.
"... which causes the ball
to leap off the table. "
Just a moment, please.
Hello?
Oh, it's the other phone.
Hello? Yes. Yes, she's here.
It's for you, Mrs. Pastromi.
"Strong men faint.
Some feint with their rights
"and some feint with
their lefts. " Hello? Yes.
I can't hear you.
You'll have to talk louder.
"He faints. "
I'm talking as loud as I can.
Yeah.
Don't we always have
spaghetti for dinner? Yeah.
All right, we'll have raviolis.
"And you rush over... "
Of course, I'll be home.
What time is it?
"... and put his head
in your lap. "
I can't hear you. Goodbye.
Well, goodbye.
Thank you, Mrs. Pastromi.
You're welcome.
Then you go off to the local
barber shop and get shaved
and play the rest of the scene
and the picture
with an absolutely clean face.
Oh, well, all right.
We can cut that out.
If you don't mind, Mr. Fields,
I'll read it myself.
I get a better feel, capture the mood
and the tempo better that way, you see.
It's in English, isn't it?
"A long shot of streamlined plane
with open-air, rear observation... "
"With open-air,
rear observation compartment.
"In the plane is the
handsome hero, Bill Fields
"and his little niece,
Gloria Jean,
"who are winging their way
toward the Russian village
"in the strange
and distant land of... "
Are you happy?
You bet I am, Uncle.
Must be a Shriners'
convention in town.
Or maybe
he's a cigarette salesman.
I beg your pardon.
That's quite all right.
It doesn't matter.
I hope he hasn't brought his
polo ponies on board with him.
They'll be pawing all night
and keep us awake.
Good night, Uncle.
Good night, dear.
Now don't you worry. I'll be right over
here in the upper berth next to you.
All right.
What's the matter,
did you sprain your ankle?
No, no, no, a dog bit me.
Yeah, I was playing croquet
and I dropped my mallet.
And a little dachshund
ran straight out
and grabbed me by the fetlock.
Rather fortunate it wasrt a
Newfoundland dog that bit you.
Yes, rather.
I suppose so.
I'm sleeping here somewhere,
but I don't quite know where.
Well, there's no other place to sleep
if you don't sleep in the plane here.
That's right.
No hotels around anywhere.
Here you are, Mr. Fields.
Well, thank you.
Where are you supposed to sleep,
in that little hammock up there?
Yes, sir.
Good night, Uncle Bill.
Good night, dear.
I'll be right
across the way, dear.
I'll be up here all alone,
except that fly. Get out of there.
Get the other leg, please.
Thanks.
I use both of them, usually.
There's some answers
in my cap again.
Time to get up, sir.
We're landing shortly.
Are you airsick?
No, dear.
Somebody put too many olives
in my martinis, last night.
Shall I get you a Bromo?
No, I couldn't
stand the noise.
Time to get up, little lady.
Get up, dear.
Okay.
We're landing
in a few minutes... Half hour.
Two or three... What time
did she say we were landing?
Maybe we're not going to land.
Go back to sleep again.
Chickens,
they lay eggs in Kansas
Chickens,
they lay eggs in Kansas
Chickens lay eggs
as big as nutmegs
The chickens
lay eggs in Kansas
Chickens have pretty legs
in Kansas
Chickens have pretty legs
in Kansas
That is really not a joke
One rolled me for my poke
Chickens have pretty legs
in Kansas
Yeah, those clouds look
just as fleecy as...
Clouds.
There's enough material there
for a Ringling Brother's big top.
Maybe a smuggler.
You a big nose have it.
Oh, that's a surprise to me.
I say, I should take that
as a personal insult.
Yeah, I should, too.
I you hate, too.
He hates you, too.
Here, here, I say. Half a
tick, old man, half a tick.
Steady on, old man,
steady on.
I have a big nose,
have I, eh?
You me
on the head hitted.
Say, boys, let me out of this
thing. I'm neutral. Go ahead.
Forgot my soap, forgot my
razor, I forgot everything.
Pardon me.
No wonder they call this
a giant airliner.
Do you travel as one person, or
did you get a party rate of 10?
Okay, don't answer.
Here. Oh, here you are.
Here.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
I didn't sleep well
last night.
You didn't?
I'm troubled with insomnia.
Oh, insomnia.
Well, I know a good cure for it. Yeah?
Get plenty of sleep.
Sleep, huh?
That's what
the doctor told me.
Toothbrush.
At least you're not on the plane
in the morning when I get off.
Excuse me.
Always brush them down
like that. Brush them down.
Never across like that.
No, no, no, no.
That's what it says in the
latest etiquette book. Yeah.
Oh, I got more cleaner.
I need more.
Must have just
gone through a cloud.
That's a hot one.
You were shaving me
and I'm shaving you.
Are you ready, dear?
Be ready in a jiffy.
A jiffy? Oh, okay.
Well, I'll meet you
on the back platform, dear.
All right.
Okay, dear.
Hello, there.
Oh, miss.
What inclement weather.
What are you drinking,
Uncle Bill?
Oh, just a little ginger ale,
dear. Pull up a chair there.
You know, Uncle Bill, I've been
thinking. Why didn't you ever marry?
I was in love with
a beautiful blonde once, dear.
She drove me to drink. That's the
one thing I'm indebted to her for.
Go and pack your little
portmanteau, will you, dear?
All right.
Uncle Bill!
Uncle Bill!
Oh, boy.
Why didn't I think of that
parachute? Well, there she goes.
What a bump.
And how fortunate...
How do you do?
Do you live here?
What are you?
I'm an American citizen.
An American eagle?
No, it's the first time I've ever
been up in a plane in my life.
I'm just a man.
Man?
I never heard
that word before.
You didn't?
Are you really a man?
Well, I've been called
other things.
I've never seen one before
in all my life.
You never have, eh?
Mother brought me to the nest here
when I was only three months old.
Oh, she did, eh?
And you've never seen a man?
Do you ever play
the game of squidgilum?
No. The only game
I've ever played is bean bag.
Bean bag? Oh, it's very good.
Becomes very exciting at times.
I saw the championship played in
Paris. Many people were killed.
Pull up a chair.
Get a little closer here.
You're too far away.
Wait a minute.
Maybe I'm the one.
Now, you put your hands
on your head that way.
That's it. Now, close your
eyes and pucker your lips a bit.
Shall we play another rubber?
Why, Mother.
Romulus and Remus.
What are you doing here?
Mother, this is a man.
He fell out of an airplane and
brought a wonderful new game to us.
It's called squidgilum.
You pull two chairs together.
Place your hands on your head
in this fashion.
Then you close your eyes, and then
you both press your lips together.
I'll try it with him.
Mother knows best.
Close your eyes, Mother.
Men, men, they're all alike.
They'll deceive you
as your father did me.
He kissed a chorus girl and
when I found it out, he said,
"Oh, I was drunk and didn't
know what I was doing. "
Do you think he drinks?
He didn't get that nose
from playing Ping-Pong.
What a catastrophe.
Just a minute, Mr. Fields.
There is a limit to everything.
This script is an insult to a
mars intelligence, even mine.
You drop from a plane,
10,000 feet in the air,
and you land on a divan
without a scratch.
You play post office
with a beautiful blonde,
and then you throw yourself
over a cliff in a basket.
It's impossible,
inconceivable, incomprehensible.
And besides that,
it's no good.
And as for the continuity,
it's terrible.
And for my own information, off the
record, what's happened to Gloria Jean?
Where has she been
all this time?
Oh. Oh, I see. Here, she is.
"Poor little Gloria almost in
tears, waiting at the airport,
"not knowing which way to
turn, when suddenly... "
Telephone, honey.
Hello? Uncle Bill!
Where are you? What?
Yes. Yes, I'll be right over.
How do you get to
the Russian village?
I'll take care of it.
I fell out of an airplane
whilst trying to retrieve
a bottle of golden nectar
and landed on
the pinnacle of yonder rock,
where is domiciled a vision of
loveliness, if ever there was one,
and her mother, a buzzard,
if ever there was one.
If that girl is as beautiful as you
say, I'll scale the wall tomorrow.
I've heard about them.
They say the old buzzard's husband walked
out on her before the girl was born.
And the buzzard vowed that the daughter
would never see or hear the name "man"
as long as she lived.
They also say the old gal
has a bank roll so big,
a greyhound
couldn't leap over it.
Yeah?
Well, she seems
to have a kind heart, too.
Maybe you could induce her
to come down and talk turkey
to one that really loves her
and has her interest at heart.
She seemed like
an awfully nice woman to me,
now that
I come to think of it.
Hey, hey, hey.
Two goat milks.
Two what?
Mmm-hmm.
You will love it.
I'm not so sure about that.
Well, yes, yes, this is...
This is a great drink.
Havert you any red-eye?
It's good. Good.
Well, it hasn't killed you.
Of course not.
Uncle Bill!
Hello, dear.
Dear, I'm so glad
you arrived safely.
And this is my little niece,
Gloria Jean.
This is Mr., eh...
Roberts.
Mr. Roberts. And this
is Mr., uh... Carson.
Mr. Carson. Yeah.
What are you drinking,
Uncle Bill?
I'm drinking
goat's milk, dear.
What kind of goat's milk?
A nanny goat's milk.
It's very sweet.
Gargo.
Gargo!
Gargo.
Hello.
Hello.
Have you ever
played squidgilum?
No, I've never
heard of it.
Oh, well, we...
We place our hands
on our head thus.
Then we close our eyes.
And then
we press our lips together.
Go ahead.
Isn't it fun?
The man
that was up here yesterday
said this was a national game
where he came from.
You must be a professional.
Did the man who came up here
yesterday play this game with you?
Yes, he did. But when
mother wanted to play,
something frightened him
and he dived over the parapet.
Why, the old reprobate.
Let's play squidgy.
If a body meet a body
Comir through the rye
If a body kiss a body
Need a body cry?
Every lassie has her laddie
Nane, they say
Ha'e I
Yet
All the lads they smile on me
When comir through
The rye
When the body met the body
The body to the body said
Oh, body, you're somebody
You ought to get ahead
Every lassie has her laddie
But I'll be different I think
I'm gonna find a daddy
That dress me up in mink
Then we'll ride, ride, ride
A- comir through
the rye, rye, rye
A- comir through the rye
Yes, indeedy, daddy
We'll be comir on
Through the rye
Marvelous, wonderful, amazing.
The girl has been living on a mountain
top since she was three months old
and for no reason at all, suddenly
blossoms out with jumping jive.
Do you actually think I'm a
dope? Now, don't you answer that.
Let's get on with it anyway.
Squidge.
Are you sure you've lived here
since you were three months old?
Squidge.
Well, who is...
Who are you?
Mrs. Hemogloben.
Who?
Mrs. Hemogloben.
Give me another transfusion.
Hemo... Homoglo...
Oh, you're not the dame
that has all that...
I mean,
you're the beautiful lady
that has the house
on top of the hill.
Oh, all of my life, I've been
craving love of this kind.
Oh, love.
I don't think you can get
that cricket bat in here.
Yeah, sure.
What kind of a bird
is that, Uncle Bill?
Oh, it's a philliloo bird,
dear.
Flies backwards.
Flies backwards?
Yes, it lives
in the desert.
Flies backwards to keep
the sand out of its eyes.
I wonder where the contraption
is that starts this thing.
Did it hurt you, Uncle?
No, how could a rock dropping
from 1,000 feet hurt your head?
Here we go.
You can see all over
the country, can't you?
Oh, for a Maxwell parachute.
What's
a Maxwell parachute?
Good until the last drop,
dear. Here we go again.
Ready, children?
Now wait, folks.
My dear Mrs. Hemogloben,
a token of my love
and esteem.
What a voracious appetite
that little bird had. I... Oh.
Here they are.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Fly away.
He'll stay around.
May I?
Oh, please do.
Thank you.
Once when I...
Oh, dear. Are you hurt?
I can't tell yet.
Oh, my.
Drat!
Pardon me.
May I remove the basket?
Yes, please do.
Thank you.
Good gracious.
Yes.
Oh, my!
Oh, I'm so sorry.
It's quite all right,
quite all right.
Can you do
anything with it?
I think I can do
something with it.
I don't know what yet.
My Uncle Bill.
But I still love him.
My dear Mrs. Hemogloben,
when I first saw you I was so
enamored with your beauty...
Oh, Mr. Fields.
...I ran to the basket,
jumped in,
went down to the city and
bought myself a wedding outfit.
And now I'm here to lay
my heart at your feet.
You are so full of romance.
Every night, every night. What's
the matter with this thing?
Sit down on it again,
will you? So I can get up.
Let me help you.
Oh, dear, everything
seems to be going wrong.
Yes, it does.
Mother!
Mother, Mr. Carson and I are gonna
be married and right away, too.
Mr. Fields brought up the owner
of the cantina, Mr. Clines.
He's sheriff, magistrate
and mayor of the village.
He's going to
marry us immediately.
Why not make it a double-header?
It's Saturday afternoon,
and I haven't anything to do.
Mr. Fields,
this is so sudden.
I'm so happy.
And so am I.
Hello there!
My dream girl!
Leon!
My bon ami!
Have you seen our... My...
Her hanging swimming pool?
Hanging swimming...
No.
Say, dear, why don't I show
him the hanging swimming pool?
Hanging swimming pool? Where
is this hanging swimming...
Why, right here. Get up on there
and you can see it a little better.
It's gonna be better?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah!
Help! Help! Help!
Suffering sciatica.
The last time
it was pink elephants.
Oh, you're back.
Yeah.
The poor chap
just had a mishap.
Oh, that's too bad.
Slipped over the parapet.
Oh, my!
Shall we proceed
with the ceremony?
Just as you say.
Thank you, Mrs. Hemogloben.
May I call you Daisy?
Oh, I wish you would.
Uncle Bill.
Yes, dear?
May I see you a minute?
Certainly. Excuse me,
Mrs. Hemogloben.
Certainly.
What is it? Uncle Bill, I
don't want you to get married.
You listen to me, missy. Don't you
want to live in this beautiful nest?
Have a personal maid?
No.
Wear diaphanous gowns?
And eat regularly?
I just want to be with you.
You'll be with me.
But she'll be with us.
I never thought of that.
We're falling 2,000 feet!
It's all right, dear.
Don't start worrying
until we get down to 1,999!
It's the last foot
that's dangerous.
That's all! That's enough!
That's too much!
Airplanes with sun decks!
Russian villages in the sky!
Gorillas playing post office!
Cows, sheep, goat's milk!
I am going and when I get back
you'd better not be here.
I don't care
where you go, just go!
Go, go get a drink! Get two
drinks! Get a dozen drinks!
Give me a drink.
I'm dying.
What'll it be?
Jumbo ice-cream soda.
What flavor?
Oh, I don't care. Spinach,
horseradish, anything you got there.
I'll give you peach.
Oh, thank you. Thank you.
I feel as though somebody stepped
on my tongue with muddy feet.
This scene was supposed to be in a
saloon, but the censor cut it out.
It'll play just as well.
Oh, come on! Where's my drink?
It's killers like you
that give the West a bad name.
Give me a couple of
ladyfingers, will you, please?
Thank you.
Ah, that's better.
So long, Tom. I'd rather
be in a saloon at that.
Don't you worry about it.
But Uncle Bill
said he's going away.
Fine, fine. I mean, now don't
worry about your Uncle Bill.
He's lived his life
and ruined mine.
Now it's you
we've got to think about.
You're young, you've got a
great career ahead of you.
You're gonna do big things.
Maybe Uncle Bill
can write you another story.
No, no, no, don't say that.
I never want to see him again.
He's a numbskull.
Do you know what Uncle would
do if he heard you say that?
No. What would your uncle do
if he heard me say that?
This.
And if Uncle Bill doesn't work
here anymore, I don't either.
But I don't want you to go
away without me, Uncle Bill.
But the enterprise on which
I'm about to embark on
is fraught with eminent peril,
much too dangerous for a young
lady of your tender years.
Another thing, I promised your
mother I'd look out for you.
But how can you
look out for me
when I'm here and
you're way down there?
You want to go to school,
don't you?
No.
You want to grow up
and be dumb like Zasu Pitts?
She only acts like that
in pictures. I like her.
Don't you want to be smart?
No.
I want to be like you.
Don't you think I'm smart?
Not very.
I don't like teachers, anyhow.
There's no sense in arguing
with a woman. You go with me...
Yippee!
Look out, dear!
Who do you think you're
backing into, you big lummox?
Hello, Officer. Here's $1.25.
Go in there and buy
yourself several outfits.
We're liable
to be down there a year.
Okay. Thanks, Uncle.
You're welcome, dear.
Hello, Officer.
Am I too near
the plug or something?
I can move out in a minute.
Move out in a minute...
Calling car number 202.
Calling car number 202.
Go immediately
to North National Bank.
Get necessary information
regarding two crooks
who have just held up
the bank for $150,000.
150,000, that is all.
"That is all"? $150,000,
that's all? It ain't hay, is it?
Car 202, bank robbery. North
National Bank has been held up.
One crook, slight build,
evidently a jockey,
has a horse scar
behind his left ear.
Must be some ear
to get a horse car behind it.
Keep quiet. Please.
Other crook has corn teeth,
cauliflower ear, apple-red
cheeks, muttonchop whiskers.
Sounds like a full-course
dinner to me. What, no apple pie?
Oh, shut up.
Now it's blue for a boy
and pink for a girl, isn't it?
Yes.
Well, I'll take
the pink one.
Is that the right time?
Yes, it's western postal time.
I have to get these down
to the baby hospital.
I'm leaving for Salt Lake
this afternoon. Here.
I'll see you
when I get back.
All right, Mrs. Wilson.
Yes, get me a taxi.
I've got to get to the
Maternity Hospital, right away.
If I can be
of any assistance...
Can you rush this lady
to the Maternity Hospital?
Yes, yes, get in the back.
And tell my niece
to meet me...
I'll take care of her, sir.
Slow down!
Take it easy, please!
I can't get her down
any further.
This is all I can get
out of this old crate.
Maternity Hospital.
Fourteenth and B Street.
Okay.
Where do you think
you're going, to a fire?
Maternity Hospital.
Okay, tomato-puss,
follow me.
Short cut to the hospital!
Darn those drunken painters!
Get out of the way!
Move! Out of the way!
Look out there! Look out!
What a splendid view
of Californian climate.
He said the fire
is back there!
Go back!
Tell him to make up his mind!
Stretcher!
Quiet.
Where am I?
Quiet, please. You'll
alarm the other patients.
What do I care about the other
patients? Where are my clothes?
Go away from me!
Just a minute. Just a minute.
Just a minute nothing. Give me
my clothes and let me out of here.
Wait a minute!
Uncle Bill, are you all right?
Lucky I didn't have an accident,
I'd have never gotten here.
My Uncle Bill, but I still love him.