On the Double (1961) Movie Script
( dramatic theme playing )
NARRATOR:
Berlin, 1944.
A secret radio message
from Adolf Hitler
personally to his spies
in Great Britain.
"Kill General MacKenzie-Smith,
please."
There was terrible headaches,
you know.
Here in London, this is how
the message was passed on.
It's only now that we of
British Military Intelligence
have been able to
piece together fully
from captured German documents.
We thank Paramount Pictures
in Hollywood
for having the courage
to put this on the screen.
I know we wouldn't.
The German Secret Service
didn't hesitate a moment
in placing Hitler's orders
into effect.
MacKenzie-Smith
was drawing up the plans
for the Allied invasion
of Europe
and had to be stopped
at all costs.
Here come General Eisenhower,
Field Marshall Montgomery,
General de Gaulle,
and Sir Lawrence
MacKenzie-Smith himself
wearing
the familiar eye patch.
MAN:
Stop! Stop or I'll shoot!
( gunfire )
( dramatic theme playing )
NARRATOR:
Dear, dear. We don't seem to be
catching up.
Well, after all, the Germans
are in a Rolls Royce
and our lads
only have American Jeeps.
Not that we're not grateful,
mind you.
Uh, it is better
than walking.
( gunshots )
( tires screech )
Oh, come, come. Let's get those
ruddy names off the screen
Never heard of any
of those chaps. Have you?
( police siren wailing )
MAN ( over speaker ):
This camp area is now sealed.
NARRATOR:
That night MacKenzie sealed
every military area in Britain.
Nothing could move
in or out.
Not even two American soldiers
assigned to a British base.
MAN ( over speaker ):
...permitted to leave this base
by personal order
of the General Officer
MacKenzie-Smith,
that so and so.
Boy,
you can say that again.
Cheer up, Joe.
So we can't leave for home
Pack up your troubles
in your old kit bag and smile.
Smile. Smile.
Sure. After all the trouble
to get the Red Cross
My poor wife having
My mother isn't desperately ill.
She's on Miami Beach.
She sent me a picture of her
in a bathing suit,
My poor sister
works for the Red Cross.
Want to get her in trouble?
No, I don't wanna
get her in trouble.
How many times have I told you
I'm on the salt-free,
fat-free, high-protein
low-calorie diet?
What's so difficult
about that?
It's not easy
to get it on a shingle.
No.
We don't even belong
in this teabag outfit.
Well, I know that.
The, the--
Our company was just loaned
to the British Army
to show them how to open spam
or something.
All right.
Why don't we see the captain?
We'll explain
the whole situation to him.
He's a nice fellow.
He'll cut some orders for us,
and then in a couple of days,
we'll be home.
Ernie, this is the army,
remember?
There are a couple of boys
trying to get home
from Gettysburg.
They'll make it.
Inspecting something,
I guess.
Why ain't they
out fighting the war?
What do you want?
Why aren't we fighting the war?
Because we want our
side to win. That's why.
Sit down, chaps.
We're all
in the same leaky boat.
Not us. We're supposed
to be sailing on one tonight.
Our sick ones
are waiting for us.
( all chuckle )
This military camp
is now sealed
by order
of the general commanding
by order of
His Majesty's government,
and by order of
the Prime Minister.
Uh-huh.
( imitating MacKenzie ):
Hey! We shall fight them
on the beaches. We shall
fight them on the streets.
But, uh,
how can we fight them
if we can't get out
of this ruddy camp?
Quiet, will you?
I've gotta think.
Now, there must be
somebody we know
that's got enough influence
to get us out of here tonight.
( in normal voice ):
There's only one man.
( imitates Hitler ):
Sieg heil!
( all chuckle )
( speaking in German )
Now he'll run his whole
Luftwaffe for you.
He has a gamut of three.
It's because he was raised in
the German section of Brooklyn.
( all chuckling )
( in English ):
There'll always be an England,
but they will be
driving Volkswagens.
We will have the--
Ernie, your mustache fell
in the potatoes.
It looks right at home.
( in normal voice ):
Yeah, well...
See, without my patch,
I have one good eye
with 20/20 vision
and one bad eye
uh, in case of
extreme myopia, you see.
And, uh, I wrote a letter
to my draft board about it,
He's jolly good, you know?
The life of the party.
Do an imitation
of the boat sailing
for the States
without us.
( in rough voice):
When the saints go marching in.
Will you quit
fooling around?
( all chuckling )
( normal ):
Honestly, we'll get going.
Of course.
I can just see
MacKenzie Smith,
that one-eyed
old slave driver
giving you permission
to go.
Yeah, so can I.
Yeah, here.
( clears throat )
( imitates MacKenzie ):
Uh, um, speak up, young man.
Huh, what's his mother doing
around in Rip Rolls. What?
Nuh-uh.
Good heavens, man.
Why didn't you
speak up sooner?
Oh, yes.
I say unseal Britain,
and let my people go.
Don't encourage him,
please.
Oh, that's the old bird
to a tee.
your duty is merely
to do your duty.
Do you understand?
Obey orders.
Now yours
is not to reason why.
Ours is not to reason
why either.
If any stops to reason why,
we should all be
in Miami Beach with Mother.
Ha, ha, I say,
that's a rather witty one.
Well, uh, what?
Carry on.
Come on, chaps.
On the double.
Ernie.
Well, what for?
We're going out
to the motor pool.
Grab a car. You'll sit
in the back seat
and I'll drive you out,
General.
I won't be impersonating
an officer.
That's what I mean.
I'll impersonate an officer.
Ernie,
it's dark outside.
Don't you see how you fooled
that limey captain?
wearing all that brass.
I'll make like your chauffeur.
It's a cinch.
You must be out of your mind.
You don't even know
how to drive.
The incredible just takes
just a little bit longer.
and categorically
no, no, no.
( tires screeching )
MAN 1: Hey!
( tires screeching )
MAN 2:
Who goes there?
Oh, sorry, sir.
I didn't know you were
visiting the camp, sir.
But I have strict orders, sir.
Your orders not to let anyone
Quiet, sergeant.
( imitates MacKenzie ):
Um, very good.
But I've just revoked
the order,
and I am in a bit
of a rush.
Open the barrier.
There's a good man.
Sorry, sir, but you must
prove your identity.
Blasted man,
I have urgent business
at Supreme Headquarters.
I have no time to play
Tin Soldier. Never have.
Now you know who I am.
Open the barrier
or I shall have my man
drive through it!
Open.
( engine revs )
( in normal voice ):
Once we get out of sight,
I'll take the wheel.
I've got to hand it to you.
Maybe it was you
who had the IQ of 185.
( tire bursts )
I guess it was mine.
Listen, you better get out
and change that tire
before they try
to come and help us.
Where do they hide the tools
in these things?
I don't even know
where they put the motor.
I can't do that.
I'm the general.
So, be democratic.
Oh, stop worrying.
They didn't even notice us.
Hey, I think I found the jack.
Heh, look.
( car horn honking )
Look, I think I found a fuse.
( siren wailing )
( both nervously chattering )
Oh, what fender.
What to do?
Let me get out of here!
Lift up, so I can
put the jack under here.
( screams ):
Yeah, oh, God!
Get this thing up--
We have transport
for you, sir. Please get in.
We'll take you
to Supreme Headquarters.
I've got a better idea.
Take me to jail.
( dramatic theme playing )
MAN:
Yes, yes. A remarkable
resemblance to the general.
But we must be
absolutely certain.
The Nazis,
I'm sorry to say, escaped.
They've slipped through
our fingers again,
up our sleeve as
a last resort.
Finally, we seem to have
stumbled on a man
who has a chance
of carrying it off.
Yes, but yeah, you've seen
the report on this fellow?
He's a hypochondriac,
a malingerer,
a confirmed grouser,
he's got flat feet--
But it made a monkey
out of the Sergeant Le Garde.
Nonsense. At night,
and for a few seconds only.
Colonel.
We're both in intelligence
and both understand
that could get us committed
to a booby hatch
There's something in that.
Now sometimes the long chance
is the only chance.
Perhaps you're right.
Well, I'll tell you
what we'll do.
We'll have this fellow,
Private Williams,
brought in tomorrow and leave it
to the general to make
the final decision.
How's that?
The general himself?
Heh, one thing we've learned
from you Americans,
my boy, the higher
you pass the buck,
the longer it takes
to come back to you.
( upbeat theme playing )
NARRATOR:
Our code name for this chap
was to be Dead Pigeon.
Goodness, do you think
he heard me?
Okay, Corporal.
We'll take it from here.
Come along.
Sir Lawrence,
this is Project 402.
Good heavens.
Oh, please don't judge by
his present unprepossessing
appearance, sir.
Z-2 has investigated him
thoroughly, sir.
This man has an amazing
ability for mimicry.
Oh, jolly, we'll have
to make sure.
Step forward, man.
Step forward, damn it!
Uh...
Turn around.
Faster!
I can't turn around
any faster, sir.
If I turn around fast,
I get dizzy
and nauseous
and everything, sir.
Yes, sir.
It's like this, sir.
You see, sir.
It's a form
allergenic vertigo, sir.
It's, uh, a deviation
of the inner ear.
It's quite an interesting
problem medically.
I wrote a letter to draft board,
explaining the whole thing.
MACKENZIE:
What is this ruddy nonsense?
I say, stop it, you hear.
Halt!
I say there is a vague physical
resemblance, but I do say,
chaps, don't you think we're
going a bit near the knuckle?
Oh, excuse me. MI-5 have also
investigated this man, sir.
Tested him thoroughly.
His impersonation of you
is skillful even uncanny.
Please don't judge
too hastily, sir.
Yes, yes, yes.
Of course.
Mm, uh.
Uh ,what did you say
this chap's name was?
Williams.
Private Ernest Williams.
MACKENZIE:
Yes, of course. Uh, you.
Let me hear you play
General MacKenzie-Smith
in your uncanny
and skillful way.
( coughing and gibbering )
Would you mind
putting out that cigar, sir?
I'm allergic to tobacco.
My sinuses simply are not
equipped to handle it, sir.
It's all in that letter,
page four, paragraph three.
Look here, man!
I haven't got all day!
General Eisenhower
is waiting.
Oh, tell him not to, sir.
I don't do him.
( sneezes )
Of all the blithering idiots,
I give you exactly five seconds
to comply with my order
or I'll ruddy well have you
taken out and shot!
Or are you allergic
to that too?
( imitates Mackenzie ) :
Of all the blithering idiots,
I give you exactly five seconds
to comply with my order
or I'll ruddy well have you
taken out and shot!
Or are you allergic
to that too?
Rather good, me boy.
Rather good.
I say, that's quite
a remarkable resemblance.
I'm glad you think so, sir.
Yes, I do.
My congratulations,
dear fellow.
Yes, yes.
Quite remarkable.
Blast me
if I don't think he'll do.
( in normal voice ):
You're not going to shoot me
Have you been told about
your assignment?
Assignment?
We'll take care of that later.
He hasn't been told a thing.
Face the general.
Oh, excuse me,
Sir.
Uh, what will you have?
What?
I'm on a salt-free,
fat-free, high-protein,
low-calorie,
low-cholesterol diet, sir.
Blast it, man!
Anyone who wants to step into
my shoes better learn
to drink my brandy.
Yes, sir.
Oh, yes, sir. I think
they let me keep it, sir.
I have it. Oh, uh.
No, that's the Hitler mustache.
I can tell by
the mashed potatoes.
( imitates MacKenzie ):
All leaves casual forthwith
for the fortnight.
That's the wrong eye,
you idiotic nincompoop!
A mistake like that
might be tragic.
Well, you see, sir,
I have one good eye
and one eye
with very poor vision.
When I imitate you, sir,
I always put the patch
on the bad eye
so I can see.
But if you insist on it, sir,
I can put it on the good eye,
Here, man.
Here's your drink. Drink up.
Sir, I have
a liver condition--
There'll be steel
through it if you don't.
Alcohol makes the enzymes
in my blood have their own--
Be quiet, man,
or I'll have you hanged
for insubordination!
( stammers ):
Yes, sir. Very good, sir.
If that's
what you really want.
Sorry, sir.
I, uh, can't see a thing,
so I should always wear it on.
Ooh, uh, say, huh...
For heaven's sake, man,
drink up
and get out
of my sight.
Oh, uh, excuse me, sir.
( Ernest gibbering )
Yes, sir.
Uh, yes.
Take him out and try
to persuade him to desert.
Yes, sir.
Come along.
You've got him, Jeff.
MAN:
The enemy expect
the invasion here.
Now, at all costs,
we must confuse
the German high command as to
where the blow will really fall.
Already we've sent
an actor
who resembles
Field Marshal Montgomery
on a tour of North Africa
to convince the enemy
that the attack will be
launched from there.
Sound thinking.
Thank you,
Private Williams.
Very kind of you.
Now, General MacKenzie-Smith
will shortly take off by air
for Yugoslavia
where the second front
will really begin.
He must travel, of course,
in complete secrecy, disguised.
Disguised perhaps as a private
in the American army.
Private Ernest Williams.
I see.
And you want me
to impersonate the general
for a while so that
the German high command
will believe
he is still in London?
Sound thinking.
Uh, thank you, sir.
Very kind of you.
Uh, I've been doing
some more sound thinking, sir
and, uh, ah, I don't think
I want the job, uh, sir.
ERNIE:
Well, sir, doing it for
the fellows is one thing
but in real life, day after day
uh, heh, I'm not even British.
I honestly don't think
I could carry it off.
In that case, soldier,
I'll arrange
for your Court-Martial
immediately.
Thank you, sir.
Uh, Court-Martial, sir?
Uh, Court-Martial?
Impersonating an officer
is a capital offense.
I think the fellow
is quite right.
An American. How could he be
convincing as an Englishman?
You did, of course.
When does a colonel
listen to a private, sir?
I mean, uh, I've been doing
a lot of sound thinking
and I don't think
there's anybody else
You don't?
Yes, sir.
Uh, certainly on the surface
I may appear American to you
but dash it all, underneath,
my roots go back
to the Pilgrim fathers.
( imitating MacKenzie-Smith ):
You do realize I play cricket
every Whitsuntide?
For old Genenid...
( Ernest gibbering )
I don't know, sir,
but I do know I'd like the job.
Under those circumstances,
I'll be happy
to see that you get it.
You have nothing
to worry about.
We'll give you
a complete make up job.
Gray your hair.
We'll put you through
a whale of a training program.
You'll study
the general's actions,
appearance, friends,
the whole works.
When we get through, you'll
not only look like the general
That may be necessary too.
I can't do that.
You see, Colonel?
I'm on a salt-free,
fat-free, high-protein,
low-cholesterol
low-calorie diet.
We'll cross that alcoholic
bridge when we come to it.
Uh, I want you both
to know that
I'm very happy to do anything
that will make sure that
the government of the people
by the people
and for the people
shall not perish
from this earth.
Thank you, Honest Abe.
Four score
and seven years ago,
or forefathers brought forth
upon this land a low-calorie,
( sad theme playing )
cottage cheese,
which is the only--
( sighs )
Don't you think
perhaps we ought to tell him?
Tell him what?
That a spy ring of German agents
are operating
within our own headquarters?
That's already made
three attempts
on MacKenzie-Smith's life.
It may be wise
to risk someone else's life
for the generals but--
I don't altogether agree
with you Americans,
you know?
ought to be told the truth
and allowed to volunteer.
Colonel, in two years
of army service
Private First Class
Ernest Williams
has never volunteered
for anything
including volleyball.
My only regret is he only has
but one life
to give to his country.
Consider him
our rebuttal for Britain.
All right, Jeff, my boy.
You may be right.
Here you are, then.
Heh. To Lend Lease.
( upbeat theme playing )
Will you be needing the car
again this evening, sir?
Uh, no.
That will be all.
You're dismissed, sergeant.
Thank you.
Yes, sir. Uh, the usual tonight,
I assume, sir?
Uh, yes, yes.
Yes, of course.
Very good.
You certainly fooled
the general's driver.
Yeah.
How's the contact lens
we fitted for you?
I had a little bit of difficulty
with it at first, sir,
but I see out of it
wonderfully now.
Oh, good, good.
I was wondering, sir.
Can I have this contact lens
after I finish this job?
Don't quite know how we'd be
able to get it away from you.
By the way, have you got
the spare lens we gave you?
Yes. Yes.
I have it right here.
Where is it?
Don't lose it.
The general's suite
Yes?
Sergeant Twickenham and
his bad manners is waiting.
He's been told everything.
Tomorrow you make your
I do?
Launching the Joint
Allied Red Cross
with General Zlinkov
of the Red Army.
Don't forget
No, I won't, sir.
Go straight upstairs.
No, I won't.
Good night.
Good night.
I said "evening."
Pretty good, huh.
You should have caught me
at the airport.
Ahem! Men, we have
an enormous job of work to do.
the Allied victories
there is nothing in the world
that we must value
as highly as discipline.
Heh, pretty cute, huh?
The resemblance
is absolutely astounding, sir.
But if I might suggest?
Head back.
Not too far, sir.
Uh, slight trace of a limp
in the left leg.
Wounded in France.
Oh!
No, sir. Paris.
Lady in a spiked heel.
The general was barefoot
at the time.
They told me
he was married.
Yes, sir. That too.
Lady Margaret,
lovely girl.
She's in Canada, you know,
on a war savings
bond drive.
That's good. I'll have
to remember to keep my shoes on.
( doorbell buzzes )
You forgot your briefcase, sir.
As usual.
Yes. Thank you.
Uh, yes, uh, quite.
Thank you very much.
Good night. Pip, pip.
Cheerio.
Thank you.
Thank you very much indeed.
You may go back
to the motor pool, Sergeant.
Beastly night, though,
isn't it, sir?
Double beastly, actually.
Well, good night, sergeant.
Carry on. Press on.
Pip, pip.
Tally ho,
and, uh, you may fall out.
What?
What's wrong with you?
Of course, Larry.
You're the general.
Yes, of course.
Quite.
I must investigate
this absolutely thoroughly.
I think you'll find everything
where it should be.
Good night,
sergeant.
Good night, general.
Sergeant!
As usual.
( romantic theme playing )
Twickenham!
Comman--!
What's wrong with you tonight,
darling?
You're acting a little cold,
aren't you?
Cold.
Yes, that's what I have.
A beastly...
( coughs )
You had better leave.
You might catch it.
I know a lovely way
to break up a cold, Larry
or have you forgotten?
You were very distant
towards me
in the car tonight,
darling.
I, uh, hope you're not holding
what happened
last Thursday PM
against me.
Not at all.
Not a bit.
Not a smidgen.
Not a wit.
No, no.
Not even Wednesday AM.
Wednesday AM?
( both chuckles )
Larry, you mad fool!
( moaning )
Ah, you haven't change a bit,
after all, heh.
( both sigh )
( both kiss )
Do...
Do you really think she has
a cure for the common cold?
I wouldn't doubt it
for a moment, sir.
That's what my speech
is about tomorrow.
I did try to warn you,
sir.
Yeah. Well.
Uh, what am I gonna do?
It would be dangerous
to arouse suspicion, sir.
After all, the general has got
a reputation with the ladies.
I know that, but I'm on
a salt-free, fat-free,
high-protein, low-calorie
low-cholesterol diet.
You better get me
out of here.
Tell her anything.
Tell her something.
Tell her
I've, uh, gone to visit a war.
I'm engaged
in a secret conference.
Tell her anything.
I've got to get out.
( doorbell buzzes )
Oh, no, sir.
I once asked her.
( panting )
It's Lady Margaret, sir.
The general's wife.
Lady Margaret? You told me
she's in Canada on a bond tour.
What kind of a war
is this, anyway?
I thought we were fighting
the Germans.
Hey, you keep Margaret busy.
I'll get rid of Dr. Cronkite.
Sergeant. Sergeant?
Where are you?
Sergeant?
I say, Sergeant, where are you?
STANHOPE:
In here, Larry.
What? Oh!
Ah.
You impetuous beast.
I'm sorry, your baggage.
My wife, you know.
What am I supposed to do?
( panting )
Out of the bath,
into your clothes,
Hm, the usual.
( sighs )
Larry.
Maggie!
( gibbers )
I say it's absolutely wizard
to have you back, old girl.
Larry!
I--
Don't I do that to you?
I'm terribly sorry. I was
absolutely overcome, you see.
Been ghastly lonely, you know.
Just me and Ike and Monty
and Charlie de Gaulle.
Larry, you know I don't
find you amusing any longer.
If you don't mind,
I'd like to take a bath
( pants )
What?
I mean, there's been awful
trouble with the plumbing.
I had to pitch in myself,
you see.
Do you realize that all the good
plumber are in intelligence now?
That, ha, ha...
That's a rather good one.
Rather I'll have it fixed
straight away.
Now what, darling?
Oh, you are a bit slower
this evening.
Quickly, dear.
On the double.
Oh!
You seem so different.
You've changed.
What's happened
to all the passion?
Passion. Poetry.
Yes. Good night.
Good night.
Parting
is such sweet sorrow
that I say good night
till it be morrow.
Oh, Larry!
In dreams
I kiss your hand, madame.
But drink to me
only with thine eyes.
I'd be down to get you
in a taxi, honey,
but you'd better be ready
Yes! Here, dear!
Sorry, I took so long.
I had a bit of difficult,
but it's all fixed now.
Eh, dreeded it for.
Uh, drewed it for you.
Difficult language,
isn't it?
Oh, capital idea.
Absolutely capital.
Yes.
Uh, I'm a bit
fagged out myself.
I think I should turn in myself.
Come over here, Larry.
Come here.
What ever for?
Well, I want to talk to you.
Yes.
( sighs )
How are Toronto Maple Leafs
doing this season?
( sighs )
And how is your dear mother?
Gears lock.
Absolutely smashing.
Received a letter
only yesterday.
My dear Larry, your mother has
been dead for over two years.
Well, the mails are terribly
slow these days.
and traffic lights
and that sort of thing.
Who are you?
What are you doing here?
Twickenham!
Twickenham!
Your Ladyship.
You'll excuse my forwardness but
I took the liberty of calling
MI-5 military intelligence.
Colonel Somerset's on the line
he'll explain everything to you.
Well, I certainly
hope so.
Don't let him out
of your sight.
I guess
I didn't fool her at all.
Don't worry, sir.
The general
never does either.
Larry's where?
Yes, I did return unexpectedly.
Project 402?
Dead Pigeon?
What is this soldier
supposed to do?
Now, Colonel Somerset,
are you serious?
Does he know this?
He should be told.
Well ,yes, Colonel,
if you say it's top secret,
not a word.
Poor unfortunate fool.
Uh, her Ladyship.
Ah, sorry, sir.
She'll expect this.
That will be all,
Twickenham.
Ah, yes, my lady.
I'm sorry
about all this.
or I was supposed to try
to convince you I was Larry or--
Oh.
You may
put your hands down.
Oh, thank you.
I, uh, wouldn't like
to cause any embarrassment.
I could sleep outside
on the couch or something.
No, heh, we'll play
the game to the hilt.
You sleep in Larry's bed.
He seldom used it anyway.
I still have
the gun, soldier.
( chuckles )
I hope you'll forgive my
being a bit shaky, but, uh,
I mean
I've met a lady, but
I had a peculiar idea
that you'd be wearing
a crown or
coronet or a halo.
Something like that.
Oh, I haven't worn a halo
in years.
You could have
fooled me.
Lady Margaret, I'm curious
about something.
Did I play the part
well enough to fool you?
I wouldn't mean
permanently,
but momentarily
when we first met.
Oh, that's when you made
your first mistake.
Because Larry hasn't kissed
me hello in ages.
He hasn't?
he never bothered
to hide them from me.
That might be an expression
of an inferiority complex.
It could mean that he loves
you very much.
I wish I could
be as forgiving as that
but I came back
from Canada
to ask Larry
to give me a divorce.
War hero or no.
Oh, I'm sorry
to hear that.
Maybe all he needs is to go
and see a psychoanalyst.
I once had an uncle
who hated my aunt.
He went to see an analyst
every day for six months
at $25 a visit.
He learned to love her
all over again.
Then he ran out of money,
so she divorced him.
I don't know why I'm
telling you all this,
except that it has
absolutely nothing to do
with your
situation at all.
If you're supposed to have
fooled Larry's friends
and I presume you are,
you've got an
awful lot to learn.
You have?
Yes. I've been down
to the headquarters,
and they've been showing
newsreels of him
and I've been
reading biographies
and I've been
practicing too.
Yes.
Limping and
swagger-sticking.
I ever put a mark
on my eye
where the patch is
supposed to go over, heh.
Larry doesn't need any patch
any more than you do.
He doesn't?
It's just that
one eye has a tendency
to become quite bloodshot
after five or six brandies,
his usual condition.
I don't like
officers like that
They think
they're winning the war.
You're winning the war,
Private Williams.
No, not me.
I'm not doing
anything much.
I'll be finished
in a few days.
I think you'd better
get some sleep
Yeah.
Uh, good night,
Your Ladyship.
Good night,
Project 402.
NARRATOR:
Our man from Brooklyn remained
a perfect gentleman all night.
( suspenseful theme
playing )
( speaking in Russian )
What'd I say?
Ah, you said, "My old
friend, Marshall Zlinkov.
It's been a long time since
those gay old days in Moscow."
Yes, I've got that phrase
down pretty pat, but
suppose the general asks me
something else in Russian.
I can't keep telling him about
the gay old days in Moscow.
I shall be on
the platform with you,
and I shall tap you
when you must answer.
Once for nyet, meaning no.
Twice for da, meaning--
Three times for mozhet byt,
meaning yes.
We're getting close to the area.
Once for nyet, meaning da.
Once for da. Two nyets for
mozhet, meaning--
Here, here. How about a spot
of brandy for the nerves?
No, thank you. I don't.
You don't happen to have
any yogurt in there?
Yeah.
None.
You better have the brandy
yourself. Ah, twice for yeah.
I get out of the car
and everybody cheers.
I step on the platform.
Everybody cheers.
I deliver the speech.
Everybody cheers.
I get back in the car,
and they go out of their
minds, cheering, heh.
We're here.
Ah, Twig, we're here.
Ah, Twickenham.
It's no time
to fall asleep.
I've got to remember
the nyets and the--
Twickenham!
Twickenham, say something.
Take him out.
Hurry, they're cheering you.
What's the matter?
Yes, yes.
Poor Twickenham.
High blood pressure.
And a touch of malaria.
Malaria, I believe.
But he had such
a good complexion.
But he also had cirrhosis
of the liver and a weak heart.
Cirrhosis.
You never know who's gonna go
next, do you?
Sometimes you do.
You take care of him.
Go on. They're waiting.
Good luck.
Uh, maybe if he'd been
on a fat-free--
I don't think
that would have helped.
Look, I can't go out there.
Look at that crowd.
You've got to.
You can fool some of the people
all of the time
and all of the people
some of the time.
But the first fellow
who said that was shot.
( suspenseful theme playing )
MAN ( over PA ):
May I welcome you on behalf
of the United States Army.
Also on behalf of our
distinguished visitors,
Marshall Gregory Zlinkov of
the Army of the Soviet Union,
General Sir Lawrence
MacKenzie-Smith
of the British General Staff.
( all cheering )
We gather here
on the eve of the invasion.
You men will
spearhead the attack
and rest assured
in the knowledge
that today
as we launch a new drive
for the plasma
that will bring to the floor--
Tovarish, doctor.
( speaking in Russian )
( speaking in Russian )
General MacKenzie-Smith, you
speak the marshal's language.
Would you explain
to your old friend
We're not taking
any blood samples.
( both speaking in Russian )
I believe he said
this reminds him
of the gay
old days in Moscow.
I say, what are they
doing there?
Da.
( groans )
( chuckles )
MAN:
Hero.
Carry on.
Men, we have
further good news.
After intensive research,
the medical corps
of the United States Army
is passing along
to its allies
Those two enemies
of seaborne landings
mild burn exposure
have finally been conquered.
One shot
of serum D-104,
and seasickness
becomes an old wives' tale.
( speaks in Russian )
( speaking in Russian )
( chuckles )
We have also developed S-604,
a new anti-influenza vaccine.
Gentlemen,
never has the army had two
such distinguished guinea pigs.
Not at all.
Ready? Oh, yes.
Uh, pardon me.
Ah, no, sir.
These are in the arm.
Oh, terribly sorry.
I say, do be gentle.
Thank you.
Uh...
( grunts )
Molodets, heh.
Men of the invasion forces,
the hero of Dunkirk,
El Alamein and Tobruk,
General Sir Lawrence
MacKenzie-Smith.
( all applauding )
As you are, men.
Men...
no longer the discomfort
of seasickness.
As you men are the spearhead
of the invasion
disembarked
from your landing craft,
you will be so healthy
and so fit
that your condition will come
as a complete surprise
to the German army.
And so I say
to our gallant allies, hip, hip.
Achoo! Pardon.
Let me hip, hip, achoo.
( gunshots )
( man groaning )
I'm afraid
I'm not much of a cook,
but this is the best
I could do without Twickenham.
Twickenham.
That was the fastest case
of cirrhosis I've ever seen
in my whole life.
What about that stray bullet
that knocked my hat off?
Boy, that was really close.
You'd better
eat properly.
I'm supposed to ride through
Trafalgar Square in an open car.
They want me to sit up
on the back
so that the people can
see me when they cheer.
I'm a symbol,
you know.
You're a target.
A target.
A sitting duck.
Do you know what
the code name for you is?
German Secret Service
has been trying
to kill my husband
and you've been set up
to take his place.
No, no. He's going to Yugoslavia
to open a second front.
All the English troops are going
to Yugoslavia because he said
that when he went to Yugoslavia,
all the troops would be able to
be able to attack
behind the Danube.
Dead Pigeon?
Do you know why we're giving
that party tonight
for the officers of
Larry's old regiment?
No. You mean the MacKenzie
First Highlanders? No.
They've learned
that the chief agent
And tonight,
they've invited everyone
they suspect of wanting
to kill you.
( objects clatter )
I'm sorry. I'm getting out
of here right now.
I'm turning in my eye patch,
sir. And my mustache.
I figured out your
whole cold-blooded scheme.
Pretty clever, wasn't it?
If they don't get me
at the party,
at Trafalgar Square.
You can have your pips back.
I'd rather be a private
in the front lines under fire
from shot and shell, sir.
Don't take that literally,
too, sir.
I'm sorry, Colonel Somerset.
I suppose I've broken security
but I couldn't
let you do it to him.
That's all right.
I understand how you feel,
of course
but it's a matter
of military necessity.
But there's been a change
in the situation.
Why? Are they
switching to knives?
No.
I'm sorry to have to break
this news to you,
under these circumstances.
What's wrong,
Colonel Somerset?
The aircraft that was taking
General MacKenzie-Smith
supposedly to Yugoslavia
was in point of fact headed for
invasion headquarters in Kent.
He was going a roundabout
route to confuse the enemy.
It was, I regret to say,
Everybody lost, including
I'm afraid, your husband.
You have my very deepest
sympathy, Lady Margaret.
Are you all right?
Yes, thank you.
I'm all right.
It's strange
that at a time like this
you only remember
the good moments.
So you understand our strategy
has completely changed.
The sad death of
General MacKenzie Smith
will delay
the second front for weeks.
You must be at the party tonight
for the general's old regiment.
Even though you think
somebody at the party
is going to try to
knock me off?
We're sure of it, but this will
make the whole thing work.
When they expose themselves,
that will give us opportunity
of breaking the spy ring.
I see. Before or after
they try to kill me?
Oh, before, naturally, heh.
We hope.
Oh, look, sir.
I like to go to parties,
but I'd like
to go home afterwards.
Under the circumstances,
Williams,
the decision must be yours.
This is not an order.
Oh. well, in that case--
But you must realize
thousands of Allied lives
may depend upon you.
We have no right to ask you to
commit what might be suicide.
Well, in that case--
But the whole of the
United States Army is at stake.
Williams, what do you say?
Help!
Don't forget for a moment
that you're in danger.
Be careful.
Heh.
Don't trust anyone.
Um, ahem.
Remember, if you want
to convince them
you're really Larry.
Fine.
How's it going, vicar?
At the end of the evening
you'll get boring drunk.
And you and I must have
a large family brawl.
How do you do?
We may even strike
each other.
You must try.
How do you do?
Mm-hm?
If anything happens
to me tonight,
I want you to know these
have been nicest two days
I've ever had
in my whole life.
Mm-hm.
( car horn honks )
MAN: And there he was
General Biff Browningham
with only one chukka
to play.
And I.
Pardon me.
Excuse me. Who's the gentleman
that just arrived in?
Oh.
He was in the
MacKenzie Highlanders.
Just an acquaintance
of Larry's -Mm-hm.
Been in the Middle East.
Hmm.
Well, that's good because
I couldn't stand all details.
MAN:
A drink, your ladyship?
No, thank you.
Um, look here, sergeant.
( coughs )
( gulps )
WOMAN: That's General
Brown Wiffingham.
Commanding South Hampton
Staging Area.
Oh, yes. I recognize him
from the regimental photo.
Uh, we're supposed to be
very good chaps.
And he calls me, oh,
um, he calls me Binky,
and I call him Puffy.
Puffy.
It's kind of nauseating.
Isn't it?
Well, you're very
fond of him.
But you're not crazy about him.
Oh.
Binky, heh!
Hello, Penelope.
How are
all the children?
Didn't you get my letter
from New Delhi?
Oh, yes.
That was too bad.
What is too bad?
I mean,
I was absolutely overjoyed.
About what?
Em, eh, I save stamps,
you know.
( all laughing )
You can have you head blown off
and still say something witty.
Have your head blown off?
Oh.
Good evening.
It's a pleasure,
Lady Margaret.
I don't think
you or the general know my wife.
How do you do?
Head blown off.
We intercepted
a radio message.
They've changed their plan.
I don't know
what they're trying now.
No, no, no, no.
Uh, I'm following it up.
Nothing could possibly
happen.
Oh.
I know everything
about everybody.
Oh, my dear.
Now, what can we
do for you, eh?
What would you like?
Oh, the usual.
( thuds )
WOMAN: Good heavens.
Lady Vivian.
I was hoping she wouldn't
find out about the party.
She'll ruin everything.
Come on. Let's meet her.
Yes.
Yes?
What have you got
to say for yourself?
Head blown off.
Oh, Aunt Vivian,
I'm so sorry.
Larry's favorite aunt
and I forgot
to invite you.
Yes. A complete oversight,
but my apologies, dear auntie.
Auntie?
You've never referred
to me as auntie.
I didn't?
Old Iron Drawers
was the kindest word
Yes. Iron Drawers.
I know this was
a deliberate slight.
It wasn't at all,
Auntie Drawers.
I mean the Larry,
what's wrong with you?
Wrong with me? There's
nothing wrong at all.
You know when I walk into a room
your eye always twitches.
You see there I finally managed
to over come it.
I don't twitch at all
now that.
There's something strange
about you.
I can't quite
put my finger on it.
Well, you see,
Iron Drawers, I mean auntie,
I'm not quite
myself tonight.
Oh, I have
noticed improvement.
( stammering ):
Yes. I, uh, um...
A drink?
Well, I can't have.
Where's the bar?
What's wrong?
My contact lens.
She knocked it out.
No. Who are you?
Head blown off.
Must have gone under the
table. -Everybody's looking.
Drop your earrings
so we can go after it.
My goodness. I lost my
hearing. -Oh, you clumsy fool.
You've dropped
your earring?
Oh, where's the table?
Left rudder, you fool.
( cat meowing )
Pss. Pss. Pss.
Puss, come on.
Give me that lens.
I'll buy you a monocle.
( meowing )
Would you gimme. Gimme.
Pss. Pss. Pss. Pss.
What are you?
A German spy?
There you are.
Did you find it?
Where's the other
contact lens?
But wait a minute.
There's a car in the street
blinking its light
and I think it's a signal
of some kind.
Don't worry. I'll see to it.
Go and get the lens first.
You join the others.
Yes. I will.
Oh, good heavens. The cat.
Ooh.
No.
Where have you been
all this time?
I have
your drink ready.
No, but I'm not
thirsty actually.
Yes.
A toast?
Eh, to the king.
ALL:
To the king. God bless him.
( coughs )
I shall be going
back there then.
Come back.
God bless him.
I've forgotten, sir.
Eh, favorite what?
Why Captain Patterson,
everyone knows Sir Lawrence
only smokes these.
Eh.
( gibbers )
Binky, you always had the finest
taste in cigars and women.
Another toast.
To the, uh, regiment.
No.
To the regiment.
( all singing indistinctly )
You have to sing
something.
Okay.
The regimental song,
Larry.
Don't you remember
it, sir?
Of course I do.
Yes. He always
leads us into it.
( mumbling )
Come on, love.
( all singing indistinctly )
( coughs )
Drink a toast
A toast, Larry.
To the regiment!
ALL:
To the regiment!
( speaking indistinctly )
To the regiment.
ALL:
To the regiment!
( band playing music )
( crowd laughing )
I tell you.
I think he's marvelous.
Yes. Isn't he?
Gracious heaven.
Larry! Larry!
( woman speaking
indistinctly )
Stop, Larry! Stop!
You're making a travesty
of the regiment.
And of our native land.
One thing you never made fun of,
Larry, was Scotland.
Well, look at me.
What?
There's something
strange going on.
WOMAN:
Do you know what I think?
I think you're not even--
Not even sober.
Larry. How can you
disgrace me like this?
Night after night?
Look here old girl.
I've had about enough of this.
I'll drink how I want,
Oh!
You sober fish wife.
No, I.
How dare you do that to me!
( crowd speaking
indistinctly )
Ooh, that's our Larry,
all right.
One thing Scotland knows how
to make and that's whiskey.
( chuckles )
and you missed me
and you hit Lady Vivian.
No, I was cheating.
I could see a little.
Heh, and what was the
last thing I hit you with?
( in low voice):
The cat.
( both laughing )
Yes.
Uh, is your eye
all right?
Oh, no.
No, it's quite all right.
Just like old times.
( coughs )
Em, do you know that
song I coughed tonight?
Yes.
It, eh, it's very much
like a song
we used to sing
in the 4h grade.
Well, that's quite possible.
Many of these old Scottish
heroes were used
over the years
with different person.
How did it go back
in the 4th grade?
I wonder
If I can remember it.
When the fine mist of
Scotland
Is over the land
I am dreaming of making
And remembering when
We would stroll
Here together
With her eyes
Like the heather
She had sole my heart
Many the year
That has past us
Since we've been apart
But my wee darlin',
Maggie
Is still in my heart
With her eyes
Like the heather
And skin fresh as dew
To my wee darling Maggie
I will e'er be true
Why not?
Well, it was all
right before,
I don't think I should
sleep in this room.
That doesn't make
any sense at all.
It's not supposed to.
( phone rings )
MacKenzie Smith here.
Oh, hello,
Colonel Somerset.
Well, that's wonderful.
Fine.
Good work. Yeah.
Well, I think
they've got their man.
Tomorrow at this time,
they think I'll be able
to back to being
Private Ernie Williams again.
Just a minute.
Will you tell me something?
Do you want to go back
to being Private Ernie Williams?
You can get used
to almost anything.
( cat meows )
Sorry. Go find a louse.
Yes.
the entire show
magnificently.
would ever have been.
No, no, no, no.
I'm not as brave as Larry
I'd be brave enough to do
what I really want to do.
And what do you
really want to do?
But I'm too much of
a coward to do that.
This.
( bell rings )
ERNIE:
Who is it?
Sergeant Stanhope, sir.
An urgent message
from Major Houston.
Ernie.
The eye patch.
The moustache.
Thank you, sergeant.
Hmm.
Ordered to headquarters
immediately.
The car's waiting down below
with the major, sir.
I'll be down directly.
Thank you, sergeant. Press on.
Well, I guess they got him.
and the general's eye patch
and the general's wife.
Well, for taking advantage
of the situation just now.
I, uh, I guess we both had
a little too much to drink.
Oh, uh, would you
do me a great favor?
Of course.
Well, after the war,
if you ever get to Brooklyn,
Yes?
Don't look me up.
Nobody'll ever believe it.
( engine revs )
( door closes )
I say, this is
silly bother,
scurrying about at night
like a ruddy obstetrician.
I'll wager there's no
emergency at all.
Would you care to risk
a fiver?
Three sheets
of the wind, eh?
Aw, what you need, young man,
is some, uh, tomato juice,
raw egg,
Worcestershire sauce and...
Head blown off.
I say, the Major is dead.
Uh, would you stop...
The Major...
I say. Would you...
Uh, the Major is quite dead,
you know.
I say. Would you stop...
Uh, look, the man...
Well, here, please.
You're out of uniform.
Uh, um...
The Major is quite...
Say something.
Say something else.
Don't attempt to escape
or the Major will have company.
but not quite clever enough.
You'll never get away
with this.
I say, Stanhope,
turn the car around.
Not tonight, General.
But if you turn the car around,
I'd promise you the usual.
I hated every minute of it.
Good show there.
( dramatic theme playing )
NARRATOR:
I never suspected her for
a moment. This is terrible.
( dramatic theme playing )
Welcome to Berlin,
General MacKenzie Smith.
You are now the guest
of the Third Reich.
Now, all we wish
is a little information.
And we shall see
that you are given
a charming house
in the country,
servants, wine, frauleins.
Whatever you may wish.
And you will be able to sit
out the rest of the war
in complete comfort.
All we ask is that
you tell us the truth.
MAN: Precisely.
You see, uh,
I'm an American soldier
and my name is Private First
Class Ernie Williams,
serial number, uh, 347236.
And I was supposed to go
back to America
because my mother
is very sick.
Only she isn't very sick.
She's in Miami Beach
with a bathing--
Oh! Oh!
What happened to the house
in the country?
My dear General, you have
a reputation for playing games.
We have not.
Unless you answer our questions
honestly and quickly,
we will have no alterative
but to order you shot.
Oh!
MAN;
And we are waiting to hear it.
You see this eye patch?
MAN:
Oh. General.
And, uh, look at that
moustache.
Oh. What ha...
Ugh. Must be the glue.
It got stuck in the sea air.
You see I haven't had it off
for a few days.
( screams )
Forget it . It's mine.
But you simply have to believe
how it all got started.
You see, I was doing imitations
for a couple of the fellas.
And uh, heh, I do imitations,
you see.
Well, look. Maybe I can
explain it to you better.
( clears throat )
We survive them on
the beaches.
We survive them
in the villages.
We will never surrender.
( grunts )
Uh, I got a better one.
Oh, when the saints--
Ahem. Well, maybe this one
will do it.
I got a real good one here.
We have, hmm...
( speaks German )
ALL:
Heil Hitler!
( grunting )
Oh. Well, I...
Heh, nobody seems
to like that one.
MAN:
General MacKenzie Smith.
Perhaps you do not
understand us.
You have vital information
on the timing
and location
of the second front.
I have?
But because of your respect
for you,
I do not with
to see you reduced
to a shattered hulk
of a man.
MAN:
Are you trying to
make us believe
That's right. It was all a phony
and you fellas fell for it.
You see this grey stuff
they put in my hair?
It washes out with soap
and water.
Look. I'll show you.
I told them it was no good.
I have to touch it up
every night.
Even in the rain
it comes out.
Here. I'll show you.
Maybe they used a new brand
It...
Oh, it's me.
I've turned white.
See you've done it.
Poisoning Twickenham
and that shot through my head
and, uh, the submarine.
Oh, if you fellas only knew
what I've been through.
Oh, you do know.
Don't you?
It is only the beginning
my dear, General.
Take him away.
Throw him in a cell.
Use the usual methods.
Not the usual.
MAN:
One more thing.
Our operatives in England
are everywhere.
You understand?
Everywhere.
And they are led by a man
so highly placed
British intelligence
would never suspect.
It is not only your life
that is in jeopardy.
But that of your wife.
Lady Margaret.
( speaking in German )
Heil Hitler.
You'll never get away...
( dramatic theme playing )
NARRATOR:
The news spread through
the German high command
like wildfire.
MacKenzie Smith had
broken down
and agreed to talk
after being tortured
continuously
for three solid minutes.
MAN:
Good evening here, General.
Let us get this filthy
business over with.
MAN:
This is a great moment
for the Third Reich.
We have broken
MacKenzie Smith.
Heh, this will please
the Fuehrer immensely.
I presume, gentlemen,
he will go into his dance again.
Be careful, general.
May I remind you
once more.
We have many operatives
in England. Many of them.
The one who leads them
is a very good friend
of your family.
And of your wife.
It doesn't matter.
She will be safe enough.
If you talk.
Now, here, General.
We have here a most
interesting map.
England, German, France.
All military objectives
carefully indicated.
You shall be
the professor
and we will be
your willing students.
The time, the location
and the strength
of the allied invasion.
Gentlemen,
when I finish
you will know as much about
this blasted invasion
as I do.
Perhaps even more.
Sorry. I was carried away,
old chap.
Uh, bit of tear in the eye
and that sort of thing.
I say, it's a bit of a blur
to realize
ERNIE: Righto.
Well, a concentration of troops
in Southern England
actually is a ruse,
you see.
Uh, we shall do
the main attack
in the soft underbelly
of Monte Carlo, right here.
You see. I say.
Surprise, eh?
Caught you on a sticky
wicket. What?
Well, you see actually,
um, mm, right here
is where we're going to a small
attack of naval vessels.
The LCTs, the BBDs,
the LSMFTs,
the IRT and the CIO and
the, uh, SMFR are our IUT.
What artillery? What infantry?
Who are their commanders?
What are their immediate
objectives?
Okay.
Write this down over there.
( speaking German )
I shall tell you
in a minute.
You see, Captain, Brigadier
General, Father Ingrad,
( gibbering ):
the Argyle Highlanders,
have taken the largest one
of the troops
as a haven for...
And of course, there's...
Tech here,
which, hmm, of course will
terminate at the edge or tip.
And here,
regarding the subways,
they will have
a remarkable incentive,
and, of course, the troops
are all employed
and all the frontal assault
which have nothing...
I suppose they...
Busy...
( blithering )
Than bottom, you see.
What have I done to England?
I simply can't go on.
Control yourself, General.
You are a military man
as we are.
We didn't understand
a word.
It doesn't matter.
Above all the signal.
Which signal do you mean?
Do not pretend, General.
Counter intelligence
has told us
a signal is to be
broadcast over the BBC
two days before D Day.
A meaningless phrase.
To the French
underground
to announce the date
of the invasion.
I'll be down to get you
in a taxi, honey.
And the hour.
The hour of the attack?
You'd better be ready
about half past eight.
We'll be ready.
I wish I could be there
when the band starts playing.
But you won't.
If I had a gun,
I would shoot myself.
It's the only
decent way left.
( speaking in German )
( dramatic theme playing )
( waltz theme playing )
( dramatic theme playing )
( knocking on door )
Einen moment.
Einen moment.
( speaking in German )
( all speaking in German )
( speaking indistinctly )
( truck horn honking )
( speaking indistinctly )
( whistle blowing )
( gunshot )
( indistinct chattering )
( woman screams )
( people speaking
indistinctly )
( speaks in German )
( screams )
( alarm wailing )
( people speaking
indistinctly )
( whistle blowing )
( speaking in German )
( all speaking
in German )
( speaking in German )
Goodbye.
( speaks in German )
( whistle blowing )
( indistinct chattering )
( woman speaking in German )
( crowd screaming )
( all speaking in German )
( dramatic theme playing )
( speaking indistinctly )
( gunshot )
( women singing in German )
( speaks in German )
( audience applauding
and cheering )
( band playing music )
( audience applauding
and cheering )
NARRATOR:
The German notes on this point
were somewhat fragmentary.
But bear in mind that Sigmund
Freud came from this country.
( man speaks in German )
( women screaming )
( speaking in German )
( audience applauding )
MAN:
Fraulein Lilly.
( band playing music )
( singing in German )
( audience laughing )
( audience applauding )
( speaking in German )
( chuckles )
( indistinct chattering )
( singing in German )
( audience laughing )
( audience applauding )
( man speaking in German )
( chuckles )
( chuckles )
Oh!
( audience applauding )
( all speaking in German )
( all singing in German )
( dramatic theme playing )
( all speaking in German )
( man speaking in German )
I have to start
the machine.
( all speaking in German )
( gunfire )
( plane engine whirring )
( all speaking in German )
( gunfire )
( gunfire )
( dramatic theme playing )
ERNIE ( speaking in English ):
Stop! Stop! Let me outta here.
Just in time.
( speaking in German )
Don't shoot. Oh.
( Ernie speaking
indistinctly )
Sir, we've captured
a German paratrooper
attempting to infiltrate
this headquarters.
He's demanded
the right to see
the commanding officer
personally.
MAN:
Very well. Bring him in.
Bring in the prisoner.
Heh, Puffy!
Puffy, am I glad to see you.
All right.
I'll talk to the prisoner.
Prisoner? Puffy, don't you
know me? I'm Binky.
ERNIE: I'm not really Binky.
Ernie. Yes. Private First Class
Ernie Williams.
Heh, I fooled you.
I fooled the Germans.
Heh, call Somerset.
He'll tell you.
Wilson. This seems to be
a top secret matter.
I'd like to get to the bottom
of this alone.
Dismissed.
Oh, Puffy, if you know
what I've been through.
I've been in submarines,
airplanes. I've been in Berlin.
I've even been at
the Gestapo headquarters.
Know what I did?
I stole some of the papers
out of the secret files naming
all the agents in England.
People you would never suspect.
I've got them right here.
General Carleton Brown
Wiffingham. Sergeant, er...
General Carleton Brown...
Yes, my dear
Private Williams.
If that is who you are!
You'll never get away
with this, Puffy.
Um, hello?
( dramatic theme playing )
Open up, please, sentry.
Urgent.
I'm sorry, sir. You can't
enter this headquarters.
Colonel Somerset
is general staff.
He has my identification.
I'm sorry, sir.
Where's the Sergeant
of the Guards?
This is a matter of life
and death, Sergeant.
Open up, please.
Sorry, sir.
All entry permits
have been cancelled
for the day.
Orders of
General Brown Wiffingham.
We've had
General Brown Wiffingham
under surveillance for weeks.
Wilson!
Hold that man.
The whole project,
the Dead Pigeon.
Or I will be.
Yeah, hello?
This German paratrooper
is masquerading
as an allied soldier.
Under the king's rules
and regulations
he is guilty of espionage
and subject to immediate
execution.
CARLETON:
Wilson, the penalty for
insubordination
is still the same. Take that
spy out and have him shot.
Shot? Uh...
But Puffy, you and I played
Rukka together for Scotland.
Ah, the MacKenzie Smith
Highlanders.
( dramatic theme playing )
WILSON:
Firing squad is ready, sir.
Dismissed.
No. Not you.
Maybe she's forgotten
who I am.
You will tell her,
won't you?
I mean you'll tell her that
I wasn't scared at all.
I'll get word
to Lady Margaret.
Cigarette?
No. No, thank you.
But I don't think
one could hurt me.
Match?
( coughs )
That won't be necessary.
Prepare to aim!
Squad ready!
Aim!
Just a minute. I think I will
have that blind fold.
WILSON:
Squad rest. Rest. Rest!
Uh, not too tight.
I get dizzy. See?
Squad ready! Aim!
( upbeat theme playing )
MAN ( over radio ):
It is only fitting
that Britain today
should do honor
( door bell rings )
to the valiant heroes
who have made this day
possible.
are already familiar
to you.
General Eisenhower
forthwith...
Good afternoon,
Lay Margaret.
Lovely day for England.
Huh? Thank you, madam.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I couldn't tell you before.
Security reasons.
Anyhow we dashed down to
the South Hampton
staging area hoping
to get there on time.
By jove, that's a pretty dress
you've got on.
Never mind about the dress.
We were held up
at the gate.
The firing party had
raised their rifles.
I heard the command,
Yes?
Good Lord.
I'd love a cup of tea.
Oh, yes. Oh, tea.
Yes.
And what then?
Um, some milk and sugar
if I may, please.
Private Williams.
Oh, yes.
Yeah. He's absolutely fine.
We only got there
in the nick of time.
It was a bit of a do.
Where is he?
When can I see him?
How many lumps you put
in here?
He can see you any time.
He's at the base hospital.
Not much matter with him.
Just shock and fatigue
and the after effects
of smoking.
( man speaking indistinctly
over radio )
Wonder if you'd mind
if I turned up your radio.
MAN ( over radio ):
General Sir Lawrence
MacKenzie Smith.
The architect of the invasion.
The master planner
whom we had believed
killed
in performance
of his duties,
actually survived
and was taken prisoner
by the Nazis.
I rejoice along
with all of England
that he was liberated
in the first among...
MARGARET:
Larry.
We've just heard
the news that--
Yes. I know.
Do try to control
your joyous hysteria
at my return
from the grave, Maggie.
I know how pleased
you are to see me.
Oh, sir, Lawrence, you can't
even begin to realize--
Oh, come off it,
Somerset.
You were just as
pleased to see me
Oh, no, please, please.
Lawrence.
Will you
get out of here!
I have a few matters of
a very intimate nature
to discuss with
my dearly beloved.
You may listen
at the keyhole.
If you'll pardon me,
I'm going over to the enemy.
Heil Hitler!
I see you haven't lost
your charming ways
with your subordinates.
I hear you haven't either,
my dear.
What's this I hear about you
and that American private?
It's all true.
Oh, come now.
A penniless common soldier.
A complete nonentity.
I've had my fill
of entities.
Next thing
you'll be saying
you're in love with
the blighter.
I am in love
with the blighter.
Heh.
( romantic theme playing )
How did you manage?
I mean, how...
Well, look, you see.
They wanted to give me
a medal,
but all I asked for was
a smart technician
from the Signal Corp with
a recorder and a microphone.
That's why you heard
what you did on the radio.
General Lawrence
McKenzie Smith,
the architect of the invasion,
the master planner.
( chuckles )
Did you mean it?
And I had you fooled
every minute.
Every minute.
NARRATOR:
For those of you
who are curious
it's just the usual.
NARRATOR:
Berlin, 1944.
A secret radio message
from Adolf Hitler
personally to his spies
in Great Britain.
"Kill General MacKenzie-Smith,
please."
There was terrible headaches,
you know.
Here in London, this is how
the message was passed on.
It's only now that we of
British Military Intelligence
have been able to
piece together fully
from captured German documents.
We thank Paramount Pictures
in Hollywood
for having the courage
to put this on the screen.
I know we wouldn't.
The German Secret Service
didn't hesitate a moment
in placing Hitler's orders
into effect.
MacKenzie-Smith
was drawing up the plans
for the Allied invasion
of Europe
and had to be stopped
at all costs.
Here come General Eisenhower,
Field Marshall Montgomery,
General de Gaulle,
and Sir Lawrence
MacKenzie-Smith himself
wearing
the familiar eye patch.
MAN:
Stop! Stop or I'll shoot!
( gunfire )
( dramatic theme playing )
NARRATOR:
Dear, dear. We don't seem to be
catching up.
Well, after all, the Germans
are in a Rolls Royce
and our lads
only have American Jeeps.
Not that we're not grateful,
mind you.
Uh, it is better
than walking.
( gunshots )
( tires screech )
Oh, come, come. Let's get those
ruddy names off the screen
Never heard of any
of those chaps. Have you?
( police siren wailing )
MAN ( over speaker ):
This camp area is now sealed.
NARRATOR:
That night MacKenzie sealed
every military area in Britain.
Nothing could move
in or out.
Not even two American soldiers
assigned to a British base.
MAN ( over speaker ):
...permitted to leave this base
by personal order
of the General Officer
MacKenzie-Smith,
that so and so.
Boy,
you can say that again.
Cheer up, Joe.
So we can't leave for home
Pack up your troubles
in your old kit bag and smile.
Smile. Smile.
Sure. After all the trouble
to get the Red Cross
My poor wife having
My mother isn't desperately ill.
She's on Miami Beach.
She sent me a picture of her
in a bathing suit,
My poor sister
works for the Red Cross.
Want to get her in trouble?
No, I don't wanna
get her in trouble.
How many times have I told you
I'm on the salt-free,
fat-free, high-protein
low-calorie diet?
What's so difficult
about that?
It's not easy
to get it on a shingle.
No.
We don't even belong
in this teabag outfit.
Well, I know that.
The, the--
Our company was just loaned
to the British Army
to show them how to open spam
or something.
All right.
Why don't we see the captain?
We'll explain
the whole situation to him.
He's a nice fellow.
He'll cut some orders for us,
and then in a couple of days,
we'll be home.
Ernie, this is the army,
remember?
There are a couple of boys
trying to get home
from Gettysburg.
They'll make it.
Inspecting something,
I guess.
Why ain't they
out fighting the war?
What do you want?
Why aren't we fighting the war?
Because we want our
side to win. That's why.
Sit down, chaps.
We're all
in the same leaky boat.
Not us. We're supposed
to be sailing on one tonight.
Our sick ones
are waiting for us.
( all chuckle )
This military camp
is now sealed
by order
of the general commanding
by order of
His Majesty's government,
and by order of
the Prime Minister.
Uh-huh.
( imitating MacKenzie ):
Hey! We shall fight them
on the beaches. We shall
fight them on the streets.
But, uh,
how can we fight them
if we can't get out
of this ruddy camp?
Quiet, will you?
I've gotta think.
Now, there must be
somebody we know
that's got enough influence
to get us out of here tonight.
( in normal voice ):
There's only one man.
( imitates Hitler ):
Sieg heil!
( all chuckle )
( speaking in German )
Now he'll run his whole
Luftwaffe for you.
He has a gamut of three.
It's because he was raised in
the German section of Brooklyn.
( all chuckling )
( in English ):
There'll always be an England,
but they will be
driving Volkswagens.
We will have the--
Ernie, your mustache fell
in the potatoes.
It looks right at home.
( in normal voice ):
Yeah, well...
See, without my patch,
I have one good eye
with 20/20 vision
and one bad eye
uh, in case of
extreme myopia, you see.
And, uh, I wrote a letter
to my draft board about it,
He's jolly good, you know?
The life of the party.
Do an imitation
of the boat sailing
for the States
without us.
( in rough voice):
When the saints go marching in.
Will you quit
fooling around?
( all chuckling )
( normal ):
Honestly, we'll get going.
Of course.
I can just see
MacKenzie Smith,
that one-eyed
old slave driver
giving you permission
to go.
Yeah, so can I.
Yeah, here.
( clears throat )
( imitates MacKenzie ):
Uh, um, speak up, young man.
Huh, what's his mother doing
around in Rip Rolls. What?
Nuh-uh.
Good heavens, man.
Why didn't you
speak up sooner?
Oh, yes.
I say unseal Britain,
and let my people go.
Don't encourage him,
please.
Oh, that's the old bird
to a tee.
your duty is merely
to do your duty.
Do you understand?
Obey orders.
Now yours
is not to reason why.
Ours is not to reason
why either.
If any stops to reason why,
we should all be
in Miami Beach with Mother.
Ha, ha, I say,
that's a rather witty one.
Well, uh, what?
Carry on.
Come on, chaps.
On the double.
Ernie.
Well, what for?
We're going out
to the motor pool.
Grab a car. You'll sit
in the back seat
and I'll drive you out,
General.
I won't be impersonating
an officer.
That's what I mean.
I'll impersonate an officer.
Ernie,
it's dark outside.
Don't you see how you fooled
that limey captain?
wearing all that brass.
I'll make like your chauffeur.
It's a cinch.
You must be out of your mind.
You don't even know
how to drive.
The incredible just takes
just a little bit longer.
and categorically
no, no, no.
( tires screeching )
MAN 1: Hey!
( tires screeching )
MAN 2:
Who goes there?
Oh, sorry, sir.
I didn't know you were
visiting the camp, sir.
But I have strict orders, sir.
Your orders not to let anyone
Quiet, sergeant.
( imitates MacKenzie ):
Um, very good.
But I've just revoked
the order,
and I am in a bit
of a rush.
Open the barrier.
There's a good man.
Sorry, sir, but you must
prove your identity.
Blasted man,
I have urgent business
at Supreme Headquarters.
I have no time to play
Tin Soldier. Never have.
Now you know who I am.
Open the barrier
or I shall have my man
drive through it!
Open.
( engine revs )
( in normal voice ):
Once we get out of sight,
I'll take the wheel.
I've got to hand it to you.
Maybe it was you
who had the IQ of 185.
( tire bursts )
I guess it was mine.
Listen, you better get out
and change that tire
before they try
to come and help us.
Where do they hide the tools
in these things?
I don't even know
where they put the motor.
I can't do that.
I'm the general.
So, be democratic.
Oh, stop worrying.
They didn't even notice us.
Hey, I think I found the jack.
Heh, look.
( car horn honking )
Look, I think I found a fuse.
( siren wailing )
( both nervously chattering )
Oh, what fender.
What to do?
Let me get out of here!
Lift up, so I can
put the jack under here.
( screams ):
Yeah, oh, God!
Get this thing up--
We have transport
for you, sir. Please get in.
We'll take you
to Supreme Headquarters.
I've got a better idea.
Take me to jail.
( dramatic theme playing )
MAN:
Yes, yes. A remarkable
resemblance to the general.
But we must be
absolutely certain.
The Nazis,
I'm sorry to say, escaped.
They've slipped through
our fingers again,
up our sleeve as
a last resort.
Finally, we seem to have
stumbled on a man
who has a chance
of carrying it off.
Yes, but yeah, you've seen
the report on this fellow?
He's a hypochondriac,
a malingerer,
a confirmed grouser,
he's got flat feet--
But it made a monkey
out of the Sergeant Le Garde.
Nonsense. At night,
and for a few seconds only.
Colonel.
We're both in intelligence
and both understand
that could get us committed
to a booby hatch
There's something in that.
Now sometimes the long chance
is the only chance.
Perhaps you're right.
Well, I'll tell you
what we'll do.
We'll have this fellow,
Private Williams,
brought in tomorrow and leave it
to the general to make
the final decision.
How's that?
The general himself?
Heh, one thing we've learned
from you Americans,
my boy, the higher
you pass the buck,
the longer it takes
to come back to you.
( upbeat theme playing )
NARRATOR:
Our code name for this chap
was to be Dead Pigeon.
Goodness, do you think
he heard me?
Okay, Corporal.
We'll take it from here.
Come along.
Sir Lawrence,
this is Project 402.
Good heavens.
Oh, please don't judge by
his present unprepossessing
appearance, sir.
Z-2 has investigated him
thoroughly, sir.
This man has an amazing
ability for mimicry.
Oh, jolly, we'll have
to make sure.
Step forward, man.
Step forward, damn it!
Uh...
Turn around.
Faster!
I can't turn around
any faster, sir.
If I turn around fast,
I get dizzy
and nauseous
and everything, sir.
Yes, sir.
It's like this, sir.
You see, sir.
It's a form
allergenic vertigo, sir.
It's, uh, a deviation
of the inner ear.
It's quite an interesting
problem medically.
I wrote a letter to draft board,
explaining the whole thing.
MACKENZIE:
What is this ruddy nonsense?
I say, stop it, you hear.
Halt!
I say there is a vague physical
resemblance, but I do say,
chaps, don't you think we're
going a bit near the knuckle?
Oh, excuse me. MI-5 have also
investigated this man, sir.
Tested him thoroughly.
His impersonation of you
is skillful even uncanny.
Please don't judge
too hastily, sir.
Yes, yes, yes.
Of course.
Mm, uh.
Uh ,what did you say
this chap's name was?
Williams.
Private Ernest Williams.
MACKENZIE:
Yes, of course. Uh, you.
Let me hear you play
General MacKenzie-Smith
in your uncanny
and skillful way.
( coughing and gibbering )
Would you mind
putting out that cigar, sir?
I'm allergic to tobacco.
My sinuses simply are not
equipped to handle it, sir.
It's all in that letter,
page four, paragraph three.
Look here, man!
I haven't got all day!
General Eisenhower
is waiting.
Oh, tell him not to, sir.
I don't do him.
( sneezes )
Of all the blithering idiots,
I give you exactly five seconds
to comply with my order
or I'll ruddy well have you
taken out and shot!
Or are you allergic
to that too?
( imitates Mackenzie ) :
Of all the blithering idiots,
I give you exactly five seconds
to comply with my order
or I'll ruddy well have you
taken out and shot!
Or are you allergic
to that too?
Rather good, me boy.
Rather good.
I say, that's quite
a remarkable resemblance.
I'm glad you think so, sir.
Yes, I do.
My congratulations,
dear fellow.
Yes, yes.
Quite remarkable.
Blast me
if I don't think he'll do.
( in normal voice ):
You're not going to shoot me
Have you been told about
your assignment?
Assignment?
We'll take care of that later.
He hasn't been told a thing.
Face the general.
Oh, excuse me,
Sir.
Uh, what will you have?
What?
I'm on a salt-free,
fat-free, high-protein,
low-calorie,
low-cholesterol diet, sir.
Blast it, man!
Anyone who wants to step into
my shoes better learn
to drink my brandy.
Yes, sir.
Oh, yes, sir. I think
they let me keep it, sir.
I have it. Oh, uh.
No, that's the Hitler mustache.
I can tell by
the mashed potatoes.
( imitates MacKenzie ):
All leaves casual forthwith
for the fortnight.
That's the wrong eye,
you idiotic nincompoop!
A mistake like that
might be tragic.
Well, you see, sir,
I have one good eye
and one eye
with very poor vision.
When I imitate you, sir,
I always put the patch
on the bad eye
so I can see.
But if you insist on it, sir,
I can put it on the good eye,
Here, man.
Here's your drink. Drink up.
Sir, I have
a liver condition--
There'll be steel
through it if you don't.
Alcohol makes the enzymes
in my blood have their own--
Be quiet, man,
or I'll have you hanged
for insubordination!
( stammers ):
Yes, sir. Very good, sir.
If that's
what you really want.
Sorry, sir.
I, uh, can't see a thing,
so I should always wear it on.
Ooh, uh, say, huh...
For heaven's sake, man,
drink up
and get out
of my sight.
Oh, uh, excuse me, sir.
( Ernest gibbering )
Yes, sir.
Uh, yes.
Take him out and try
to persuade him to desert.
Yes, sir.
Come along.
You've got him, Jeff.
MAN:
The enemy expect
the invasion here.
Now, at all costs,
we must confuse
the German high command as to
where the blow will really fall.
Already we've sent
an actor
who resembles
Field Marshal Montgomery
on a tour of North Africa
to convince the enemy
that the attack will be
launched from there.
Sound thinking.
Thank you,
Private Williams.
Very kind of you.
Now, General MacKenzie-Smith
will shortly take off by air
for Yugoslavia
where the second front
will really begin.
He must travel, of course,
in complete secrecy, disguised.
Disguised perhaps as a private
in the American army.
Private Ernest Williams.
I see.
And you want me
to impersonate the general
for a while so that
the German high command
will believe
he is still in London?
Sound thinking.
Uh, thank you, sir.
Very kind of you.
Uh, I've been doing
some more sound thinking, sir
and, uh, ah, I don't think
I want the job, uh, sir.
ERNIE:
Well, sir, doing it for
the fellows is one thing
but in real life, day after day
uh, heh, I'm not even British.
I honestly don't think
I could carry it off.
In that case, soldier,
I'll arrange
for your Court-Martial
immediately.
Thank you, sir.
Uh, Court-Martial, sir?
Uh, Court-Martial?
Impersonating an officer
is a capital offense.
I think the fellow
is quite right.
An American. How could he be
convincing as an Englishman?
You did, of course.
When does a colonel
listen to a private, sir?
I mean, uh, I've been doing
a lot of sound thinking
and I don't think
there's anybody else
You don't?
Yes, sir.
Uh, certainly on the surface
I may appear American to you
but dash it all, underneath,
my roots go back
to the Pilgrim fathers.
( imitating MacKenzie-Smith ):
You do realize I play cricket
every Whitsuntide?
For old Genenid...
( Ernest gibbering )
I don't know, sir,
but I do know I'd like the job.
Under those circumstances,
I'll be happy
to see that you get it.
You have nothing
to worry about.
We'll give you
a complete make up job.
Gray your hair.
We'll put you through
a whale of a training program.
You'll study
the general's actions,
appearance, friends,
the whole works.
When we get through, you'll
not only look like the general
That may be necessary too.
I can't do that.
You see, Colonel?
I'm on a salt-free,
fat-free, high-protein,
low-cholesterol
low-calorie diet.
We'll cross that alcoholic
bridge when we come to it.
Uh, I want you both
to know that
I'm very happy to do anything
that will make sure that
the government of the people
by the people
and for the people
shall not perish
from this earth.
Thank you, Honest Abe.
Four score
and seven years ago,
or forefathers brought forth
upon this land a low-calorie,
( sad theme playing )
cottage cheese,
which is the only--
( sighs )
Don't you think
perhaps we ought to tell him?
Tell him what?
That a spy ring of German agents
are operating
within our own headquarters?
That's already made
three attempts
on MacKenzie-Smith's life.
It may be wise
to risk someone else's life
for the generals but--
I don't altogether agree
with you Americans,
you know?
ought to be told the truth
and allowed to volunteer.
Colonel, in two years
of army service
Private First Class
Ernest Williams
has never volunteered
for anything
including volleyball.
My only regret is he only has
but one life
to give to his country.
Consider him
our rebuttal for Britain.
All right, Jeff, my boy.
You may be right.
Here you are, then.
Heh. To Lend Lease.
( upbeat theme playing )
Will you be needing the car
again this evening, sir?
Uh, no.
That will be all.
You're dismissed, sergeant.
Thank you.
Yes, sir. Uh, the usual tonight,
I assume, sir?
Uh, yes, yes.
Yes, of course.
Very good.
You certainly fooled
the general's driver.
Yeah.
How's the contact lens
we fitted for you?
I had a little bit of difficulty
with it at first, sir,
but I see out of it
wonderfully now.
Oh, good, good.
I was wondering, sir.
Can I have this contact lens
after I finish this job?
Don't quite know how we'd be
able to get it away from you.
By the way, have you got
the spare lens we gave you?
Yes. Yes.
I have it right here.
Where is it?
Don't lose it.
The general's suite
Yes?
Sergeant Twickenham and
his bad manners is waiting.
He's been told everything.
Tomorrow you make your
I do?
Launching the Joint
Allied Red Cross
with General Zlinkov
of the Red Army.
Don't forget
No, I won't, sir.
Go straight upstairs.
No, I won't.
Good night.
Good night.
I said "evening."
Pretty good, huh.
You should have caught me
at the airport.
Ahem! Men, we have
an enormous job of work to do.
the Allied victories
there is nothing in the world
that we must value
as highly as discipline.
Heh, pretty cute, huh?
The resemblance
is absolutely astounding, sir.
But if I might suggest?
Head back.
Not too far, sir.
Uh, slight trace of a limp
in the left leg.
Wounded in France.
Oh!
No, sir. Paris.
Lady in a spiked heel.
The general was barefoot
at the time.
They told me
he was married.
Yes, sir. That too.
Lady Margaret,
lovely girl.
She's in Canada, you know,
on a war savings
bond drive.
That's good. I'll have
to remember to keep my shoes on.
( doorbell buzzes )
You forgot your briefcase, sir.
As usual.
Yes. Thank you.
Uh, yes, uh, quite.
Thank you very much.
Good night. Pip, pip.
Cheerio.
Thank you.
Thank you very much indeed.
You may go back
to the motor pool, Sergeant.
Beastly night, though,
isn't it, sir?
Double beastly, actually.
Well, good night, sergeant.
Carry on. Press on.
Pip, pip.
Tally ho,
and, uh, you may fall out.
What?
What's wrong with you?
Of course, Larry.
You're the general.
Yes, of course.
Quite.
I must investigate
this absolutely thoroughly.
I think you'll find everything
where it should be.
Good night,
sergeant.
Good night, general.
Sergeant!
As usual.
( romantic theme playing )
Twickenham!
Comman--!
What's wrong with you tonight,
darling?
You're acting a little cold,
aren't you?
Cold.
Yes, that's what I have.
A beastly...
( coughs )
You had better leave.
You might catch it.
I know a lovely way
to break up a cold, Larry
or have you forgotten?
You were very distant
towards me
in the car tonight,
darling.
I, uh, hope you're not holding
what happened
last Thursday PM
against me.
Not at all.
Not a bit.
Not a smidgen.
Not a wit.
No, no.
Not even Wednesday AM.
Wednesday AM?
( both chuckles )
Larry, you mad fool!
( moaning )
Ah, you haven't change a bit,
after all, heh.
( both sigh )
( both kiss )
Do...
Do you really think she has
a cure for the common cold?
I wouldn't doubt it
for a moment, sir.
That's what my speech
is about tomorrow.
I did try to warn you,
sir.
Yeah. Well.
Uh, what am I gonna do?
It would be dangerous
to arouse suspicion, sir.
After all, the general has got
a reputation with the ladies.
I know that, but I'm on
a salt-free, fat-free,
high-protein, low-calorie
low-cholesterol diet.
You better get me
out of here.
Tell her anything.
Tell her something.
Tell her
I've, uh, gone to visit a war.
I'm engaged
in a secret conference.
Tell her anything.
I've got to get out.
( doorbell buzzes )
Oh, no, sir.
I once asked her.
( panting )
It's Lady Margaret, sir.
The general's wife.
Lady Margaret? You told me
she's in Canada on a bond tour.
What kind of a war
is this, anyway?
I thought we were fighting
the Germans.
Hey, you keep Margaret busy.
I'll get rid of Dr. Cronkite.
Sergeant. Sergeant?
Where are you?
Sergeant?
I say, Sergeant, where are you?
STANHOPE:
In here, Larry.
What? Oh!
Ah.
You impetuous beast.
I'm sorry, your baggage.
My wife, you know.
What am I supposed to do?
( panting )
Out of the bath,
into your clothes,
Hm, the usual.
( sighs )
Larry.
Maggie!
( gibbers )
I say it's absolutely wizard
to have you back, old girl.
Larry!
I--
Don't I do that to you?
I'm terribly sorry. I was
absolutely overcome, you see.
Been ghastly lonely, you know.
Just me and Ike and Monty
and Charlie de Gaulle.
Larry, you know I don't
find you amusing any longer.
If you don't mind,
I'd like to take a bath
( pants )
What?
I mean, there's been awful
trouble with the plumbing.
I had to pitch in myself,
you see.
Do you realize that all the good
plumber are in intelligence now?
That, ha, ha...
That's a rather good one.
Rather I'll have it fixed
straight away.
Now what, darling?
Oh, you are a bit slower
this evening.
Quickly, dear.
On the double.
Oh!
You seem so different.
You've changed.
What's happened
to all the passion?
Passion. Poetry.
Yes. Good night.
Good night.
Parting
is such sweet sorrow
that I say good night
till it be morrow.
Oh, Larry!
In dreams
I kiss your hand, madame.
But drink to me
only with thine eyes.
I'd be down to get you
in a taxi, honey,
but you'd better be ready
Yes! Here, dear!
Sorry, I took so long.
I had a bit of difficult,
but it's all fixed now.
Eh, dreeded it for.
Uh, drewed it for you.
Difficult language,
isn't it?
Oh, capital idea.
Absolutely capital.
Yes.
Uh, I'm a bit
fagged out myself.
I think I should turn in myself.
Come over here, Larry.
Come here.
What ever for?
Well, I want to talk to you.
Yes.
( sighs )
How are Toronto Maple Leafs
doing this season?
( sighs )
And how is your dear mother?
Gears lock.
Absolutely smashing.
Received a letter
only yesterday.
My dear Larry, your mother has
been dead for over two years.
Well, the mails are terribly
slow these days.
and traffic lights
and that sort of thing.
Who are you?
What are you doing here?
Twickenham!
Twickenham!
Your Ladyship.
You'll excuse my forwardness but
I took the liberty of calling
MI-5 military intelligence.
Colonel Somerset's on the line
he'll explain everything to you.
Well, I certainly
hope so.
Don't let him out
of your sight.
I guess
I didn't fool her at all.
Don't worry, sir.
The general
never does either.
Larry's where?
Yes, I did return unexpectedly.
Project 402?
Dead Pigeon?
What is this soldier
supposed to do?
Now, Colonel Somerset,
are you serious?
Does he know this?
He should be told.
Well ,yes, Colonel,
if you say it's top secret,
not a word.
Poor unfortunate fool.
Uh, her Ladyship.
Ah, sorry, sir.
She'll expect this.
That will be all,
Twickenham.
Ah, yes, my lady.
I'm sorry
about all this.
or I was supposed to try
to convince you I was Larry or--
Oh.
You may
put your hands down.
Oh, thank you.
I, uh, wouldn't like
to cause any embarrassment.
I could sleep outside
on the couch or something.
No, heh, we'll play
the game to the hilt.
You sleep in Larry's bed.
He seldom used it anyway.
I still have
the gun, soldier.
( chuckles )
I hope you'll forgive my
being a bit shaky, but, uh,
I mean
I've met a lady, but
I had a peculiar idea
that you'd be wearing
a crown or
coronet or a halo.
Something like that.
Oh, I haven't worn a halo
in years.
You could have
fooled me.
Lady Margaret, I'm curious
about something.
Did I play the part
well enough to fool you?
I wouldn't mean
permanently,
but momentarily
when we first met.
Oh, that's when you made
your first mistake.
Because Larry hasn't kissed
me hello in ages.
He hasn't?
he never bothered
to hide them from me.
That might be an expression
of an inferiority complex.
It could mean that he loves
you very much.
I wish I could
be as forgiving as that
but I came back
from Canada
to ask Larry
to give me a divorce.
War hero or no.
Oh, I'm sorry
to hear that.
Maybe all he needs is to go
and see a psychoanalyst.
I once had an uncle
who hated my aunt.
He went to see an analyst
every day for six months
at $25 a visit.
He learned to love her
all over again.
Then he ran out of money,
so she divorced him.
I don't know why I'm
telling you all this,
except that it has
absolutely nothing to do
with your
situation at all.
If you're supposed to have
fooled Larry's friends
and I presume you are,
you've got an
awful lot to learn.
You have?
Yes. I've been down
to the headquarters,
and they've been showing
newsreels of him
and I've been
reading biographies
and I've been
practicing too.
Yes.
Limping and
swagger-sticking.
I ever put a mark
on my eye
where the patch is
supposed to go over, heh.
Larry doesn't need any patch
any more than you do.
He doesn't?
It's just that
one eye has a tendency
to become quite bloodshot
after five or six brandies,
his usual condition.
I don't like
officers like that
They think
they're winning the war.
You're winning the war,
Private Williams.
No, not me.
I'm not doing
anything much.
I'll be finished
in a few days.
I think you'd better
get some sleep
Yeah.
Uh, good night,
Your Ladyship.
Good night,
Project 402.
NARRATOR:
Our man from Brooklyn remained
a perfect gentleman all night.
( suspenseful theme
playing )
( speaking in Russian )
What'd I say?
Ah, you said, "My old
friend, Marshall Zlinkov.
It's been a long time since
those gay old days in Moscow."
Yes, I've got that phrase
down pretty pat, but
suppose the general asks me
something else in Russian.
I can't keep telling him about
the gay old days in Moscow.
I shall be on
the platform with you,
and I shall tap you
when you must answer.
Once for nyet, meaning no.
Twice for da, meaning--
Three times for mozhet byt,
meaning yes.
We're getting close to the area.
Once for nyet, meaning da.
Once for da. Two nyets for
mozhet, meaning--
Here, here. How about a spot
of brandy for the nerves?
No, thank you. I don't.
You don't happen to have
any yogurt in there?
Yeah.
None.
You better have the brandy
yourself. Ah, twice for yeah.
I get out of the car
and everybody cheers.
I step on the platform.
Everybody cheers.
I deliver the speech.
Everybody cheers.
I get back in the car,
and they go out of their
minds, cheering, heh.
We're here.
Ah, Twig, we're here.
Ah, Twickenham.
It's no time
to fall asleep.
I've got to remember
the nyets and the--
Twickenham!
Twickenham, say something.
Take him out.
Hurry, they're cheering you.
What's the matter?
Yes, yes.
Poor Twickenham.
High blood pressure.
And a touch of malaria.
Malaria, I believe.
But he had such
a good complexion.
But he also had cirrhosis
of the liver and a weak heart.
Cirrhosis.
You never know who's gonna go
next, do you?
Sometimes you do.
You take care of him.
Go on. They're waiting.
Good luck.
Uh, maybe if he'd been
on a fat-free--
I don't think
that would have helped.
Look, I can't go out there.
Look at that crowd.
You've got to.
You can fool some of the people
all of the time
and all of the people
some of the time.
But the first fellow
who said that was shot.
( suspenseful theme playing )
MAN ( over PA ):
May I welcome you on behalf
of the United States Army.
Also on behalf of our
distinguished visitors,
Marshall Gregory Zlinkov of
the Army of the Soviet Union,
General Sir Lawrence
MacKenzie-Smith
of the British General Staff.
( all cheering )
We gather here
on the eve of the invasion.
You men will
spearhead the attack
and rest assured
in the knowledge
that today
as we launch a new drive
for the plasma
that will bring to the floor--
Tovarish, doctor.
( speaking in Russian )
( speaking in Russian )
General MacKenzie-Smith, you
speak the marshal's language.
Would you explain
to your old friend
We're not taking
any blood samples.
( both speaking in Russian )
I believe he said
this reminds him
of the gay
old days in Moscow.
I say, what are they
doing there?
Da.
( groans )
( chuckles )
MAN:
Hero.
Carry on.
Men, we have
further good news.
After intensive research,
the medical corps
of the United States Army
is passing along
to its allies
Those two enemies
of seaborne landings
mild burn exposure
have finally been conquered.
One shot
of serum D-104,
and seasickness
becomes an old wives' tale.
( speaks in Russian )
( speaking in Russian )
( chuckles )
We have also developed S-604,
a new anti-influenza vaccine.
Gentlemen,
never has the army had two
such distinguished guinea pigs.
Not at all.
Ready? Oh, yes.
Uh, pardon me.
Ah, no, sir.
These are in the arm.
Oh, terribly sorry.
I say, do be gentle.
Thank you.
Uh...
( grunts )
Molodets, heh.
Men of the invasion forces,
the hero of Dunkirk,
El Alamein and Tobruk,
General Sir Lawrence
MacKenzie-Smith.
( all applauding )
As you are, men.
Men...
no longer the discomfort
of seasickness.
As you men are the spearhead
of the invasion
disembarked
from your landing craft,
you will be so healthy
and so fit
that your condition will come
as a complete surprise
to the German army.
And so I say
to our gallant allies, hip, hip.
Achoo! Pardon.
Let me hip, hip, achoo.
( gunshots )
( man groaning )
I'm afraid
I'm not much of a cook,
but this is the best
I could do without Twickenham.
Twickenham.
That was the fastest case
of cirrhosis I've ever seen
in my whole life.
What about that stray bullet
that knocked my hat off?
Boy, that was really close.
You'd better
eat properly.
I'm supposed to ride through
Trafalgar Square in an open car.
They want me to sit up
on the back
so that the people can
see me when they cheer.
I'm a symbol,
you know.
You're a target.
A target.
A sitting duck.
Do you know what
the code name for you is?
German Secret Service
has been trying
to kill my husband
and you've been set up
to take his place.
No, no. He's going to Yugoslavia
to open a second front.
All the English troops are going
to Yugoslavia because he said
that when he went to Yugoslavia,
all the troops would be able to
be able to attack
behind the Danube.
Dead Pigeon?
Do you know why we're giving
that party tonight
for the officers of
Larry's old regiment?
No. You mean the MacKenzie
First Highlanders? No.
They've learned
that the chief agent
And tonight,
they've invited everyone
they suspect of wanting
to kill you.
( objects clatter )
I'm sorry. I'm getting out
of here right now.
I'm turning in my eye patch,
sir. And my mustache.
I figured out your
whole cold-blooded scheme.
Pretty clever, wasn't it?
If they don't get me
at the party,
at Trafalgar Square.
You can have your pips back.
I'd rather be a private
in the front lines under fire
from shot and shell, sir.
Don't take that literally,
too, sir.
I'm sorry, Colonel Somerset.
I suppose I've broken security
but I couldn't
let you do it to him.
That's all right.
I understand how you feel,
of course
but it's a matter
of military necessity.
But there's been a change
in the situation.
Why? Are they
switching to knives?
No.
I'm sorry to have to break
this news to you,
under these circumstances.
What's wrong,
Colonel Somerset?
The aircraft that was taking
General MacKenzie-Smith
supposedly to Yugoslavia
was in point of fact headed for
invasion headquarters in Kent.
He was going a roundabout
route to confuse the enemy.
It was, I regret to say,
Everybody lost, including
I'm afraid, your husband.
You have my very deepest
sympathy, Lady Margaret.
Are you all right?
Yes, thank you.
I'm all right.
It's strange
that at a time like this
you only remember
the good moments.
So you understand our strategy
has completely changed.
The sad death of
General MacKenzie Smith
will delay
the second front for weeks.
You must be at the party tonight
for the general's old regiment.
Even though you think
somebody at the party
is going to try to
knock me off?
We're sure of it, but this will
make the whole thing work.
When they expose themselves,
that will give us opportunity
of breaking the spy ring.
I see. Before or after
they try to kill me?
Oh, before, naturally, heh.
We hope.
Oh, look, sir.
I like to go to parties,
but I'd like
to go home afterwards.
Under the circumstances,
Williams,
the decision must be yours.
This is not an order.
Oh. well, in that case--
But you must realize
thousands of Allied lives
may depend upon you.
We have no right to ask you to
commit what might be suicide.
Well, in that case--
But the whole of the
United States Army is at stake.
Williams, what do you say?
Help!
Don't forget for a moment
that you're in danger.
Be careful.
Heh.
Don't trust anyone.
Um, ahem.
Remember, if you want
to convince them
you're really Larry.
Fine.
How's it going, vicar?
At the end of the evening
you'll get boring drunk.
And you and I must have
a large family brawl.
How do you do?
We may even strike
each other.
You must try.
How do you do?
Mm-hm?
If anything happens
to me tonight,
I want you to know these
have been nicest two days
I've ever had
in my whole life.
Mm-hm.
( car horn honks )
MAN: And there he was
General Biff Browningham
with only one chukka
to play.
And I.
Pardon me.
Excuse me. Who's the gentleman
that just arrived in?
Oh.
He was in the
MacKenzie Highlanders.
Just an acquaintance
of Larry's -Mm-hm.
Been in the Middle East.
Hmm.
Well, that's good because
I couldn't stand all details.
MAN:
A drink, your ladyship?
No, thank you.
Um, look here, sergeant.
( coughs )
( gulps )
WOMAN: That's General
Brown Wiffingham.
Commanding South Hampton
Staging Area.
Oh, yes. I recognize him
from the regimental photo.
Uh, we're supposed to be
very good chaps.
And he calls me, oh,
um, he calls me Binky,
and I call him Puffy.
Puffy.
It's kind of nauseating.
Isn't it?
Well, you're very
fond of him.
But you're not crazy about him.
Oh.
Binky, heh!
Hello, Penelope.
How are
all the children?
Didn't you get my letter
from New Delhi?
Oh, yes.
That was too bad.
What is too bad?
I mean,
I was absolutely overjoyed.
About what?
Em, eh, I save stamps,
you know.
( all laughing )
You can have you head blown off
and still say something witty.
Have your head blown off?
Oh.
Good evening.
It's a pleasure,
Lady Margaret.
I don't think
you or the general know my wife.
How do you do?
Head blown off.
We intercepted
a radio message.
They've changed their plan.
I don't know
what they're trying now.
No, no, no, no.
Uh, I'm following it up.
Nothing could possibly
happen.
Oh.
I know everything
about everybody.
Oh, my dear.
Now, what can we
do for you, eh?
What would you like?
Oh, the usual.
( thuds )
WOMAN: Good heavens.
Lady Vivian.
I was hoping she wouldn't
find out about the party.
She'll ruin everything.
Come on. Let's meet her.
Yes.
Yes?
What have you got
to say for yourself?
Head blown off.
Oh, Aunt Vivian,
I'm so sorry.
Larry's favorite aunt
and I forgot
to invite you.
Yes. A complete oversight,
but my apologies, dear auntie.
Auntie?
You've never referred
to me as auntie.
I didn't?
Old Iron Drawers
was the kindest word
Yes. Iron Drawers.
I know this was
a deliberate slight.
It wasn't at all,
Auntie Drawers.
I mean the Larry,
what's wrong with you?
Wrong with me? There's
nothing wrong at all.
You know when I walk into a room
your eye always twitches.
You see there I finally managed
to over come it.
I don't twitch at all
now that.
There's something strange
about you.
I can't quite
put my finger on it.
Well, you see,
Iron Drawers, I mean auntie,
I'm not quite
myself tonight.
Oh, I have
noticed improvement.
( stammering ):
Yes. I, uh, um...
A drink?
Well, I can't have.
Where's the bar?
What's wrong?
My contact lens.
She knocked it out.
No. Who are you?
Head blown off.
Must have gone under the
table. -Everybody's looking.
Drop your earrings
so we can go after it.
My goodness. I lost my
hearing. -Oh, you clumsy fool.
You've dropped
your earring?
Oh, where's the table?
Left rudder, you fool.
( cat meowing )
Pss. Pss. Pss.
Puss, come on.
Give me that lens.
I'll buy you a monocle.
( meowing )
Would you gimme. Gimme.
Pss. Pss. Pss. Pss.
What are you?
A German spy?
There you are.
Did you find it?
Where's the other
contact lens?
But wait a minute.
There's a car in the street
blinking its light
and I think it's a signal
of some kind.
Don't worry. I'll see to it.
Go and get the lens first.
You join the others.
Yes. I will.
Oh, good heavens. The cat.
Ooh.
No.
Where have you been
all this time?
I have
your drink ready.
No, but I'm not
thirsty actually.
Yes.
A toast?
Eh, to the king.
ALL:
To the king. God bless him.
( coughs )
I shall be going
back there then.
Come back.
God bless him.
I've forgotten, sir.
Eh, favorite what?
Why Captain Patterson,
everyone knows Sir Lawrence
only smokes these.
Eh.
( gibbers )
Binky, you always had the finest
taste in cigars and women.
Another toast.
To the, uh, regiment.
No.
To the regiment.
( all singing indistinctly )
You have to sing
something.
Okay.
The regimental song,
Larry.
Don't you remember
it, sir?
Of course I do.
Yes. He always
leads us into it.
( mumbling )
Come on, love.
( all singing indistinctly )
( coughs )
Drink a toast
A toast, Larry.
To the regiment!
ALL:
To the regiment!
( speaking indistinctly )
To the regiment.
ALL:
To the regiment!
( band playing music )
( crowd laughing )
I tell you.
I think he's marvelous.
Yes. Isn't he?
Gracious heaven.
Larry! Larry!
( woman speaking
indistinctly )
Stop, Larry! Stop!
You're making a travesty
of the regiment.
And of our native land.
One thing you never made fun of,
Larry, was Scotland.
Well, look at me.
What?
There's something
strange going on.
WOMAN:
Do you know what I think?
I think you're not even--
Not even sober.
Larry. How can you
disgrace me like this?
Night after night?
Look here old girl.
I've had about enough of this.
I'll drink how I want,
Oh!
You sober fish wife.
No, I.
How dare you do that to me!
( crowd speaking
indistinctly )
Ooh, that's our Larry,
all right.
One thing Scotland knows how
to make and that's whiskey.
( chuckles )
and you missed me
and you hit Lady Vivian.
No, I was cheating.
I could see a little.
Heh, and what was the
last thing I hit you with?
( in low voice):
The cat.
( both laughing )
Yes.
Uh, is your eye
all right?
Oh, no.
No, it's quite all right.
Just like old times.
( coughs )
Em, do you know that
song I coughed tonight?
Yes.
It, eh, it's very much
like a song
we used to sing
in the 4h grade.
Well, that's quite possible.
Many of these old Scottish
heroes were used
over the years
with different person.
How did it go back
in the 4th grade?
I wonder
If I can remember it.
When the fine mist of
Scotland
Is over the land
I am dreaming of making
And remembering when
We would stroll
Here together
With her eyes
Like the heather
She had sole my heart
Many the year
That has past us
Since we've been apart
But my wee darlin',
Maggie
Is still in my heart
With her eyes
Like the heather
And skin fresh as dew
To my wee darling Maggie
I will e'er be true
Why not?
Well, it was all
right before,
I don't think I should
sleep in this room.
That doesn't make
any sense at all.
It's not supposed to.
( phone rings )
MacKenzie Smith here.
Oh, hello,
Colonel Somerset.
Well, that's wonderful.
Fine.
Good work. Yeah.
Well, I think
they've got their man.
Tomorrow at this time,
they think I'll be able
to back to being
Private Ernie Williams again.
Just a minute.
Will you tell me something?
Do you want to go back
to being Private Ernie Williams?
You can get used
to almost anything.
( cat meows )
Sorry. Go find a louse.
Yes.
the entire show
magnificently.
would ever have been.
No, no, no, no.
I'm not as brave as Larry
I'd be brave enough to do
what I really want to do.
And what do you
really want to do?
But I'm too much of
a coward to do that.
This.
( bell rings )
ERNIE:
Who is it?
Sergeant Stanhope, sir.
An urgent message
from Major Houston.
Ernie.
The eye patch.
The moustache.
Thank you, sergeant.
Hmm.
Ordered to headquarters
immediately.
The car's waiting down below
with the major, sir.
I'll be down directly.
Thank you, sergeant. Press on.
Well, I guess they got him.
and the general's eye patch
and the general's wife.
Well, for taking advantage
of the situation just now.
I, uh, I guess we both had
a little too much to drink.
Oh, uh, would you
do me a great favor?
Of course.
Well, after the war,
if you ever get to Brooklyn,
Yes?
Don't look me up.
Nobody'll ever believe it.
( engine revs )
( door closes )
I say, this is
silly bother,
scurrying about at night
like a ruddy obstetrician.
I'll wager there's no
emergency at all.
Would you care to risk
a fiver?
Three sheets
of the wind, eh?
Aw, what you need, young man,
is some, uh, tomato juice,
raw egg,
Worcestershire sauce and...
Head blown off.
I say, the Major is dead.
Uh, would you stop...
The Major...
I say. Would you...
Uh, the Major is quite dead,
you know.
I say. Would you stop...
Uh, look, the man...
Well, here, please.
You're out of uniform.
Uh, um...
The Major is quite...
Say something.
Say something else.
Don't attempt to escape
or the Major will have company.
but not quite clever enough.
You'll never get away
with this.
I say, Stanhope,
turn the car around.
Not tonight, General.
But if you turn the car around,
I'd promise you the usual.
I hated every minute of it.
Good show there.
( dramatic theme playing )
NARRATOR:
I never suspected her for
a moment. This is terrible.
( dramatic theme playing )
Welcome to Berlin,
General MacKenzie Smith.
You are now the guest
of the Third Reich.
Now, all we wish
is a little information.
And we shall see
that you are given
a charming house
in the country,
servants, wine, frauleins.
Whatever you may wish.
And you will be able to sit
out the rest of the war
in complete comfort.
All we ask is that
you tell us the truth.
MAN: Precisely.
You see, uh,
I'm an American soldier
and my name is Private First
Class Ernie Williams,
serial number, uh, 347236.
And I was supposed to go
back to America
because my mother
is very sick.
Only she isn't very sick.
She's in Miami Beach
with a bathing--
Oh! Oh!
What happened to the house
in the country?
My dear General, you have
a reputation for playing games.
We have not.
Unless you answer our questions
honestly and quickly,
we will have no alterative
but to order you shot.
Oh!
MAN;
And we are waiting to hear it.
You see this eye patch?
MAN:
Oh. General.
And, uh, look at that
moustache.
Oh. What ha...
Ugh. Must be the glue.
It got stuck in the sea air.
You see I haven't had it off
for a few days.
( screams )
Forget it . It's mine.
But you simply have to believe
how it all got started.
You see, I was doing imitations
for a couple of the fellas.
And uh, heh, I do imitations,
you see.
Well, look. Maybe I can
explain it to you better.
( clears throat )
We survive them on
the beaches.
We survive them
in the villages.
We will never surrender.
( grunts )
Uh, I got a better one.
Oh, when the saints--
Ahem. Well, maybe this one
will do it.
I got a real good one here.
We have, hmm...
( speaks German )
ALL:
Heil Hitler!
( grunting )
Oh. Well, I...
Heh, nobody seems
to like that one.
MAN:
General MacKenzie Smith.
Perhaps you do not
understand us.
You have vital information
on the timing
and location
of the second front.
I have?
But because of your respect
for you,
I do not with
to see you reduced
to a shattered hulk
of a man.
MAN:
Are you trying to
make us believe
That's right. It was all a phony
and you fellas fell for it.
You see this grey stuff
they put in my hair?
It washes out with soap
and water.
Look. I'll show you.
I told them it was no good.
I have to touch it up
every night.
Even in the rain
it comes out.
Here. I'll show you.
Maybe they used a new brand
It...
Oh, it's me.
I've turned white.
See you've done it.
Poisoning Twickenham
and that shot through my head
and, uh, the submarine.
Oh, if you fellas only knew
what I've been through.
Oh, you do know.
Don't you?
It is only the beginning
my dear, General.
Take him away.
Throw him in a cell.
Use the usual methods.
Not the usual.
MAN:
One more thing.
Our operatives in England
are everywhere.
You understand?
Everywhere.
And they are led by a man
so highly placed
British intelligence
would never suspect.
It is not only your life
that is in jeopardy.
But that of your wife.
Lady Margaret.
( speaking in German )
Heil Hitler.
You'll never get away...
( dramatic theme playing )
NARRATOR:
The news spread through
the German high command
like wildfire.
MacKenzie Smith had
broken down
and agreed to talk
after being tortured
continuously
for three solid minutes.
MAN:
Good evening here, General.
Let us get this filthy
business over with.
MAN:
This is a great moment
for the Third Reich.
We have broken
MacKenzie Smith.
Heh, this will please
the Fuehrer immensely.
I presume, gentlemen,
he will go into his dance again.
Be careful, general.
May I remind you
once more.
We have many operatives
in England. Many of them.
The one who leads them
is a very good friend
of your family.
And of your wife.
It doesn't matter.
She will be safe enough.
If you talk.
Now, here, General.
We have here a most
interesting map.
England, German, France.
All military objectives
carefully indicated.
You shall be
the professor
and we will be
your willing students.
The time, the location
and the strength
of the allied invasion.
Gentlemen,
when I finish
you will know as much about
this blasted invasion
as I do.
Perhaps even more.
Sorry. I was carried away,
old chap.
Uh, bit of tear in the eye
and that sort of thing.
I say, it's a bit of a blur
to realize
ERNIE: Righto.
Well, a concentration of troops
in Southern England
actually is a ruse,
you see.
Uh, we shall do
the main attack
in the soft underbelly
of Monte Carlo, right here.
You see. I say.
Surprise, eh?
Caught you on a sticky
wicket. What?
Well, you see actually,
um, mm, right here
is where we're going to a small
attack of naval vessels.
The LCTs, the BBDs,
the LSMFTs,
the IRT and the CIO and
the, uh, SMFR are our IUT.
What artillery? What infantry?
Who are their commanders?
What are their immediate
objectives?
Okay.
Write this down over there.
( speaking German )
I shall tell you
in a minute.
You see, Captain, Brigadier
General, Father Ingrad,
( gibbering ):
the Argyle Highlanders,
have taken the largest one
of the troops
as a haven for...
And of course, there's...
Tech here,
which, hmm, of course will
terminate at the edge or tip.
And here,
regarding the subways,
they will have
a remarkable incentive,
and, of course, the troops
are all employed
and all the frontal assault
which have nothing...
I suppose they...
Busy...
( blithering )
Than bottom, you see.
What have I done to England?
I simply can't go on.
Control yourself, General.
You are a military man
as we are.
We didn't understand
a word.
It doesn't matter.
Above all the signal.
Which signal do you mean?
Do not pretend, General.
Counter intelligence
has told us
a signal is to be
broadcast over the BBC
two days before D Day.
A meaningless phrase.
To the French
underground
to announce the date
of the invasion.
I'll be down to get you
in a taxi, honey.
And the hour.
The hour of the attack?
You'd better be ready
about half past eight.
We'll be ready.
I wish I could be there
when the band starts playing.
But you won't.
If I had a gun,
I would shoot myself.
It's the only
decent way left.
( speaking in German )
( dramatic theme playing )
( waltz theme playing )
( dramatic theme playing )
( knocking on door )
Einen moment.
Einen moment.
( speaking in German )
( all speaking in German )
( speaking indistinctly )
( truck horn honking )
( speaking indistinctly )
( whistle blowing )
( gunshot )
( indistinct chattering )
( woman screams )
( people speaking
indistinctly )
( speaks in German )
( screams )
( alarm wailing )
( people speaking
indistinctly )
( whistle blowing )
( speaking in German )
( all speaking
in German )
( speaking in German )
Goodbye.
( speaks in German )
( whistle blowing )
( indistinct chattering )
( woman speaking in German )
( crowd screaming )
( all speaking in German )
( dramatic theme playing )
( speaking indistinctly )
( gunshot )
( women singing in German )
( speaks in German )
( audience applauding
and cheering )
( band playing music )
( audience applauding
and cheering )
NARRATOR:
The German notes on this point
were somewhat fragmentary.
But bear in mind that Sigmund
Freud came from this country.
( man speaks in German )
( women screaming )
( speaking in German )
( audience applauding )
MAN:
Fraulein Lilly.
( band playing music )
( singing in German )
( audience laughing )
( audience applauding )
( speaking in German )
( chuckles )
( indistinct chattering )
( singing in German )
( audience laughing )
( audience applauding )
( man speaking in German )
( chuckles )
( chuckles )
Oh!
( audience applauding )
( all speaking in German )
( all singing in German )
( dramatic theme playing )
( all speaking in German )
( man speaking in German )
I have to start
the machine.
( all speaking in German )
( gunfire )
( plane engine whirring )
( all speaking in German )
( gunfire )
( gunfire )
( dramatic theme playing )
ERNIE ( speaking in English ):
Stop! Stop! Let me outta here.
Just in time.
( speaking in German )
Don't shoot. Oh.
( Ernie speaking
indistinctly )
Sir, we've captured
a German paratrooper
attempting to infiltrate
this headquarters.
He's demanded
the right to see
the commanding officer
personally.
MAN:
Very well. Bring him in.
Bring in the prisoner.
Heh, Puffy!
Puffy, am I glad to see you.
All right.
I'll talk to the prisoner.
Prisoner? Puffy, don't you
know me? I'm Binky.
ERNIE: I'm not really Binky.
Ernie. Yes. Private First Class
Ernie Williams.
Heh, I fooled you.
I fooled the Germans.
Heh, call Somerset.
He'll tell you.
Wilson. This seems to be
a top secret matter.
I'd like to get to the bottom
of this alone.
Dismissed.
Oh, Puffy, if you know
what I've been through.
I've been in submarines,
airplanes. I've been in Berlin.
I've even been at
the Gestapo headquarters.
Know what I did?
I stole some of the papers
out of the secret files naming
all the agents in England.
People you would never suspect.
I've got them right here.
General Carleton Brown
Wiffingham. Sergeant, er...
General Carleton Brown...
Yes, my dear
Private Williams.
If that is who you are!
You'll never get away
with this, Puffy.
Um, hello?
( dramatic theme playing )
Open up, please, sentry.
Urgent.
I'm sorry, sir. You can't
enter this headquarters.
Colonel Somerset
is general staff.
He has my identification.
I'm sorry, sir.
Where's the Sergeant
of the Guards?
This is a matter of life
and death, Sergeant.
Open up, please.
Sorry, sir.
All entry permits
have been cancelled
for the day.
Orders of
General Brown Wiffingham.
We've had
General Brown Wiffingham
under surveillance for weeks.
Wilson!
Hold that man.
The whole project,
the Dead Pigeon.
Or I will be.
Yeah, hello?
This German paratrooper
is masquerading
as an allied soldier.
Under the king's rules
and regulations
he is guilty of espionage
and subject to immediate
execution.
CARLETON:
Wilson, the penalty for
insubordination
is still the same. Take that
spy out and have him shot.
Shot? Uh...
But Puffy, you and I played
Rukka together for Scotland.
Ah, the MacKenzie Smith
Highlanders.
( dramatic theme playing )
WILSON:
Firing squad is ready, sir.
Dismissed.
No. Not you.
Maybe she's forgotten
who I am.
You will tell her,
won't you?
I mean you'll tell her that
I wasn't scared at all.
I'll get word
to Lady Margaret.
Cigarette?
No. No, thank you.
But I don't think
one could hurt me.
Match?
( coughs )
That won't be necessary.
Prepare to aim!
Squad ready!
Aim!
Just a minute. I think I will
have that blind fold.
WILSON:
Squad rest. Rest. Rest!
Uh, not too tight.
I get dizzy. See?
Squad ready! Aim!
( upbeat theme playing )
MAN ( over radio ):
It is only fitting
that Britain today
should do honor
( door bell rings )
to the valiant heroes
who have made this day
possible.
are already familiar
to you.
General Eisenhower
forthwith...
Good afternoon,
Lay Margaret.
Lovely day for England.
Huh? Thank you, madam.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I couldn't tell you before.
Security reasons.
Anyhow we dashed down to
the South Hampton
staging area hoping
to get there on time.
By jove, that's a pretty dress
you've got on.
Never mind about the dress.
We were held up
at the gate.
The firing party had
raised their rifles.
I heard the command,
Yes?
Good Lord.
I'd love a cup of tea.
Oh, yes. Oh, tea.
Yes.
And what then?
Um, some milk and sugar
if I may, please.
Private Williams.
Oh, yes.
Yeah. He's absolutely fine.
We only got there
in the nick of time.
It was a bit of a do.
Where is he?
When can I see him?
How many lumps you put
in here?
He can see you any time.
He's at the base hospital.
Not much matter with him.
Just shock and fatigue
and the after effects
of smoking.
( man speaking indistinctly
over radio )
Wonder if you'd mind
if I turned up your radio.
MAN ( over radio ):
General Sir Lawrence
MacKenzie Smith.
The architect of the invasion.
The master planner
whom we had believed
killed
in performance
of his duties,
actually survived
and was taken prisoner
by the Nazis.
I rejoice along
with all of England
that he was liberated
in the first among...
MARGARET:
Larry.
We've just heard
the news that--
Yes. I know.
Do try to control
your joyous hysteria
at my return
from the grave, Maggie.
I know how pleased
you are to see me.
Oh, sir, Lawrence, you can't
even begin to realize--
Oh, come off it,
Somerset.
You were just as
pleased to see me
Oh, no, please, please.
Lawrence.
Will you
get out of here!
I have a few matters of
a very intimate nature
to discuss with
my dearly beloved.
You may listen
at the keyhole.
If you'll pardon me,
I'm going over to the enemy.
Heil Hitler!
I see you haven't lost
your charming ways
with your subordinates.
I hear you haven't either,
my dear.
What's this I hear about you
and that American private?
It's all true.
Oh, come now.
A penniless common soldier.
A complete nonentity.
I've had my fill
of entities.
Next thing
you'll be saying
you're in love with
the blighter.
I am in love
with the blighter.
Heh.
( romantic theme playing )
How did you manage?
I mean, how...
Well, look, you see.
They wanted to give me
a medal,
but all I asked for was
a smart technician
from the Signal Corp with
a recorder and a microphone.
That's why you heard
what you did on the radio.
General Lawrence
McKenzie Smith,
the architect of the invasion,
the master planner.
( chuckles )
Did you mean it?
And I had you fooled
every minute.
Every minute.
NARRATOR:
For those of you
who are curious
it's just the usual.