Petunia (2012) Movie Script
Oh, you are so handsome.
Have you met my granddaughter, Bethany?
Hello, Charlie.
It's nice to meet you.
Will you excuse me?
I need a drink.
You two should make me
a million grandbabies.
Give back to this wonderful world.
Charlie, could you come
with me for a minute?
So...
how about a dance
with your new sister-in-law?
I can't dance.
I hate these things.
Charlie...
Have another drink.
Loosen up.
I'm loose enough.
There's no point in being
miserable all the time.
I'm not miserable.
I'm in control.
What?
I can't believe your brother
threw up already.
At his own wedding reception.
He acts as though he's
never had a drink before.
What?
Who's...
George.
You guys haven't met?
He's my cousin.
He's a little shy.
No. I'm terrible at meeting
people in these situations.
Come on. He's sweet.
What is with that?
It helps in controlling my sexual urges.
Oh, God.
Hold on.
Charlie, meet George.
George is my cousin.
He went to Yale.
He's a financial advisor.
But we don't hold that against him.
George, meet Charlie -
as of an hour ago,
my brother-in-law.
- He's a blogger.
- Writer.
Blogger.
It's nice to meet you, George.
The pleasure is all mine.
God, we sound so civilized.
You've got a little, chocolate on...
Really?
Oh, God.
It happens.
I was always worried that
I'd have a conversation
that went something like this.
It's happening.
OK, you guys.
Come on, let's dance.
It's my fucking wedding night.
Let's go.
Now.
Feel better?
I GET SO, I GET SO
I GET SO
SO PENT UP...
I GET SO, I GET SO
I GET SO
SO PENT UP
Charlie...
Why aren't you dancing?
Because I don't dance, Grace.
Because I have no rhythm.
I look epileptic when I do it.
What's epileptic?
Never mind.
My mom says you're a friend of Dorothy.
Who's Dorothy?
From The Wizard of Oz.
I'm more like the lion.
I like Dorothy.
Hey, have you seen Vivian?
She was on the dance floor when I left her.
That makes sense.
Charlie, you got a condom?
- Me?
- Yeah.
Protection...
Preferably, a hybrid magnum.
I don't have sex, Adrian.
Oh, that is sad.
It's all overrated.
Those STDs were making me anxious.
And being anxious was making me
even more anxious.
It was just easier to call it quits.
Well...
Michael. You?
I'm married now.
I don't use them.
Whatever.
Hey, bro, enjoy your honeymoon.
Happy marriage.
You're married.
Can you believe it?
Yeah...
I, um, puked... Twice.
It's nerves, I'm sure.
I'm just ready for this wedding to be over,
and the marriage to start.
The wedding's supposed to be the easy part.
Hey. Could you do me a favor?
I want you to take down the number
of where I'm staying, just
in case something happens.
Nothing's going to happen.
Just in case, OK?
I don't want to give it to Mom.
She'll just use it to harass me
and I'm not going to pay those
international phone charges.
And Adrian will just use it as a cum rag.
OK, here it is.
Enjoy yourself.
You will never get to relive this day again.
To my brother, Michael,
and his lovely new bride, Vivian.
Michael, I always thought
you would end up alone
eating Lean Cuisines.
And you might be because Vivian cooking
probably won't happen.
But you two were made for each other.
So, here's to you.
Charlie...
Tell your father we either dance, or we go.
I'm not gonna just sit here.
Dad, Mom says either you dance with her
or she's leaving.
Tell her I'd rather stab myself in the eye
with a salad fork.
He says you look really nice.
Tell him his ear wax is making me nauseous.
She says you look good too.
To suffocate me in our
sleep, not to hesitate.
Mom, I think Dad's gonna sit this one out.
OK, Mom, Dad, will you excuse me?
- You OK?
- I'm fine.
I just need a little air.
Shit.
- George?
- Oh! Hey, hi.
What are you doing here?
Did you follow me?
Are you that rapist that follows people
into their doorways and rapes them?
I live here.
- Seriously?
- Yes.
In this building?
Petunia in 2A.
Oh, you're right on top of me.
You haven't even bought me a drink yet.
Maybe you're the rapist.
Is it rape if two rapists rape each other?
I think I saw that on The View once.
I love The View.
Do you want me to open the door?
Yeah, yeah, I do.
I don't even think these are my keys.
I love you, so much.
Oh.
Are you still going to love me
if I lose all my hair?
Oh, what?
What if I had a glandular problem
and I gained 60 pounds?
No.
What if I had gigantism?
It depends on where.
The hands.
I just had like a giant hand.
Well, no.
How about if I ate my
twin before I was born...
...and I had like an extra
enzyme in my DNA...
...and you couldn't see it or
feel it or acknowledge it...
...and I just told you
about it right this moment?
Are you trying to make me vomit?
No.
Well, are you saying that I got to remain
exactly as I am for the duration
of this marriage or you'll stop loving me?
Yes.
Stay exactly as you are.
You know that I'm gonna love you
no matter what?
I know...
That's why we're married.
Why don't you grow that giant hand of yours,
and pour me a glass of champagne, huh?
You know, Michael...
You just married a vivacious
20... something.
We're going on our honeymoon.
You're talking about twins, and gigantism.
It's our wedding night!
It's not like we've been
holding out on each other.
Hardly.
Why can't we talk?
We can talk.
Just right now, you're giving me a migraine.
OK.
Just know, this is the voice
that you're going to be hearing
for the rest of your life.
Ah...
Oh...
I love you.
Ah...
Oh.
I wish you would quit breathing so loud.
- Hey, Michael
- No, don't talk.
Just take in the moment.
Absorb the beauty.
Come on.
I miss New York.
Already?
I cannot function outside the city, OK?
Besides, it smells like dead fish out there.
And I prefer my fish to be live.
And in tanks.
Vivian, you're gonna be fine.
No fish.
No sushi.
Just me...
Me and my body.
OK. Can you not stare
at me for a little while?
I'm trying to find myself.
You're right here.
No, the book on tape, or whatever.
You know what?
I'm gonna go.
I'm gonna jazzercise.
Jazzercise?
Oh, my God.
It's a Molton Miller.
Oh, this is a classic.
It's an ass.
It's art.
No, this is going to be worth
a lot of money someday.
I read about him in an art blog.
It's still an ass.
You know who needs this ass?
Charlie.
Yeah, Charlie needs this ass.
He is so gonna love this ass.
Yeah.
Wow...
Talk about overdressed, eh?
Walking with a swagger.
He's got that whole vibe going on.
Right, he waddles.
Oh, Michael.
Where did you bring me?
They said this was the perfect place
for honeymooners.
Honeymooners? From where?
Iceland?
This is actually what
happy couples look like, Viv.
They're just trying to fill
that God-shaped
hole in the sky with, you know, mimosas
and fake foliage.
How about them?
They look sweet.
They look like they are having a blast.
Yeah, well, speaking of a blast,
I'm just going to have to get blasted.
Lynn, repeat after me.
I am not a victim.
I am not a victim.
Louder.
Huh?
Louder.
I am not a victim.
Oh, my God!
Have you heard of destructive therapy, Lynn?
It's the process of smashing objects
to release stress and anxiety.
- No, I don't...
- You're not a victim, Lynn.
Lynn, Lynn.
Come on. Stand up.
Come on. You can do it.
Just do it.
Just throw it.
Come on, Lynn.
Throw it.
Throw it, Lynn!
Come on, you're not a victim!
Yes!
- Yes.
- Yeah.
How'd that feel?
That felt great.
Oh, no, no, no!
That's my favorite...
Ah, OK, you know what,
it's... yeah.
It's time to go, yeah.
Same time next week, OK?
Just go, all right?
All right, OK.
Hello, everyone.
My name's Bill, and I am a sex addict.
Hi, Bill.
I, uh, just can't get enough
of other people's junk.
On Thursday nights I used to go under
the dick dock in Cape May.
I was a watcher.
Sometimes...
I was a doer.
But enough about me.
This is a safe place.
What we say in this room stays in the room.
So, who would like to start?
I would like to start.
Tony, why don't we give someone else
a chance this week?
OK, but I would like to get
something off my chest.
Go ahead.
Hello, everyone.
My name is Tony, and I am a sex addict.
Hi, Tony.
I have a taste for the classics.
1920s flapper porn, '50s housewives
with straight up vacuums.
Anything that's '60s Danish hardcore.
It's the addiction, Tony.
It's OK.
We've all been there.
Anyone else?
I will.
Ah.
Please, share with us.
Hi. I'm Natasha,
and I am a sex addict.
Hi, Natasha.
I love men, women, sex of all kinds.
Back door.
Front door.
Side door.
Anywhere.
Anytime.
Any place.
With anyone.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, my God.
Oh, I love you.
Ah.
...Code six.
125 North Vanderbilt, 52.
- Hey.
- Hi.
Whoa!
Seriously?
I wanted to do that.
I can't.
I don't do sex.
Oh, come on.
It's not that hard.
No.
Oh...
It's the outfit.
I can't resist.
You're drunk, huh?
Obvious?
Sorry.
What's that noise?
Is someone in there with you?
I should probably tell you this...
I listen to police scanners
from various US cities.
Overshare.
Are you on the run?
- No.
- Oh.
It's purely for entertainment purposes.
Plus, when they catch a perp,
I look them up on Facebook.
Do you?
You want some back up?
You don't need
Sex Addicts Anonymous, Adrian.
No, that's the perk of
having me for a mother.
Mom, I don't want to talk to you about
my addiction to sex.
It's odd.
It's only odd if you think it's odd.
Shh!
I need a change.
You're getting older, honey.
I'd rather be dead than old.
- Where's the acetone?
- Shh, stop it!
Someone is being rude here, honey.
I'm very sorry.
All right, Ad... Shh!
What you need to do is to
meet a nice, unattractive girl.
Someone with a killer personality?
Yeah, exactly.
- Acetone.
- Shh. Shut up!
I'm sorry, honey.
OK, listen.
Remember.
Nice.
Not attractive.
You can even go plump.
I can handle it.
You're here early.
Hey, Charlie, you got to do me a favor.
I'd love nothing more.
I can't have them in my apartment anymore.
I got more in the cab downstairs.
No offense, but I don't want a bunch
of random vagina chilling in my apartment.
This is art, Charlie.
I am not a storage facility.
Charlie...
I've got this problem.
We all have problems.
No, really.
I think I'm a sex addict.
And I think that's transferring
to a love addict.
Have you been talking to Mom?
It's just now whenever I, um...
Yes.
I say, I love you.
It's like love Tourettes or something.
Wow.
You got to help me get away
from all this vagina, Charlie.
You have been talking to Mom!
Just a little, OK?
All the masterful Picasso's
in the world are gone.
And I get my brother's
acrylic vagina paintings.
Please.
Oh, all right.
Hey, who's in there?
It's George.
George like Vivian's cousin, George?
Yeah, he lives downstairs.
Did you fucking fuck cousin George?
That is incest.
Technically, it isn't.
You did him?
Of course not!
Is he, uh...
I don't know.
Bring the paintings in.
You can leave them in my fireplace.
It doesn't work anyways.
You better not have bedbugs.
I will kill you.
Really, I mean it.
I should have not gotten anything to eat.
No.
They say coffee cures hangovers,
but it just gives me the shakes.
I don't get hangovers.
I didn't get hangovers until I was 28.
Then your body starts
paying you back for all
the messed up shit you did to it.
These eggs are runny.
You don't like runny eggs?
I don't understand eggs.
Oh, I might vomit.
Are you serious?
Don't do it in public.
If you vomit, then I might vomit..
And I would have to
curl up into a ball and die
if that happened.
I should know I can't
drink tequila shooters.
Do you remember coming over last night?
Vaguely.
You were funny.
I remember...
The Golden Girls.
- Designing Women.
- Oh, yeah.
Why are you single, Charlie?
It's like asking why I'm
getting gray hairs at 24.
Just am.
I could never be alone.
Yaah!
Felicia, have you seen my glasses?
Yaah!
I thought I left them on the table, but...
Yaah!
Yaah!
Yaah!
Oh, baby, Fuck me.
Fuck me right now.
Just throw me down on the ground
and rip off my shirt like I'm a present
at Christmas morning, come on.
Oh, baby.
Oh.
I just can't remember where they are.
I was reading the paper.
No idea?
I want a divorce.
Well, all right.
What country am I in?
Williamsburg.
It's the Amsterdam of New York.
It's fascinating.
White.
Red.
Black.
White.
Red!
It was... interesting?
One of the benefits of writing for a blog.
Quality theater.
You could call it that.
I haven't been out of Manhattan in months.
It's good to get away.
Tracy Hoover was given
the liver of a 9-year-old
accident victim in
a four-hour operation.
Hoover is in critical,
but stable condition -
normal after such an operation.
Her condition is monitored...
This isn't supposed to happen.
What?
This...
This can't happen.
You need to relax.
I know it's weird, but it helps.
Helps you remember you
can't get close to people?
That and other things.
I don't want anything from you
you don't want to give me.
I know.
I'm not going to date rape you.
Date rape is so '90s.
Regular rape is way more now.
Is that so?
Yeah.
I know it sounds strange,
but people are just
raping people now without the courtesy
of blacking them out first.
You're so cutting-edge.
I'm sorry.
I like it.
So, Melinda.
Uh, what do your parents do?
My dad's dead, and my mom works at a bank.
Oh, sorry to hear about your father.
Oh, it's cool.
He died when I was seven.
You know, I specialize
in people who have lost
their parents at an early age.
I'm OK.
He left me his Jag.
It has heated seats.
Melinda is going to fashion design school.
I want to make clothes
for full-figured girls.
Ambition is great.
I mean, if there was no ambition,
there would be no Special Olympics.
It's my calling.
I mean, the full figureds need clothes too.
Do you... Do you like Adrian?
I do.
Well, Adrian is the kind of...
Yeah, he's a little bit lost.
Well, Adrian's a good boy.
But he's a middle child.
Can we not get into this, Mother?
You and I are gonna get
together later, Melinda.
I've got some pointers as a professional
to help you deal with middle children.
Well, uh...
I sure would like Adrian to find somebody.
Although God knows, marriage
is like committing suicide
every single day of your life.
Hear, hear.
OK, we gotta go.
Go? Are you kidding me?
I made you tamales.
I can't believe I didn't serve them.
Since when have you ever made me anything,
especially tamales?
I am taking Spanish classes,
and I thought I would take in the culture.
I love Mexican food.
Of course you do.
Ole!
Fuck me.
JINGLE BELLS
JINGLE BELLS
JINGLE ALL THE WAY
OH, WHAT FUN
IT IS TO RIDE
ON A ONE HORSE
OPEN SLEIGH
OH, JINGLE BELLS...
I think with a few simple procedures,
we can have you easily
not look a day over 55.
I am 55.
Then we right the wrongs of time.
Doctor, do you think I'm pretty?
Well, judge for yourself.
Oh, oh!
All right, let's just, um,
start with a little filler, OK?
- Good first choice.
- Just don't overdo it.
Just really, really subtle.
You know, like people would say,
"Oh, you just got
back from vacation."
Or, you know...
"Oh, you look rested."
Like that.
OK?
You didn't tell him, did you?
I don't want everyone to hate me.
I want to be inside you so bad.
I'm ready.
Come to my apartment later.
God, your brother won't
let me go out at night alone.
I can pick you up.
No. It's way too risky.
Hey, George, it's Charlie.
Um, I tried you earlier twice.
Um, I just wanted to make
sure I didn't do something
to make you mad.
I had a great time the other night.
Um, so...
You have to stop obsessing, Michael.
It's the key to a healthy relationship.
- I love Vivian.
- Oh, don't say that.
I do, it's true.
You can only love yourself, Michael.
I'm tired of psychoanalyzing
everything I feel.
Isn't it healthy to feel something,
and say it and do it?
Oh, Michael, my oldest son.
You were clothed and fed
due to psychoanalyzation.
I just want to feel normal.
Oh, you are far from normal, my dear.
You are extraordinary.
Tell that to Vivian.
I will.
Vivian!
My son is extraordinary!
I know, Felicia.
They all are.
That's why I'm here.
What does that mean?
I'm pregnant.
Whose is it?
I don't know.
Yours, your brother's?
Who the fuck knows?
I'm gonna be a dad?
No, you're not gonna be a dad.
I'm not gonna be a mom.
I have an appointment on Monday.
You can't do that.
Yes, I can.
Oh, sorry...
Your mailbox cut me off.
Sorry for the long message.
Um, I'm going to be back downtown later.
So if you want to meet up,
maybe... OK.
Bye, call me.
I can't feel my face.
Charlie, what's wrong?
Nothing.
Why are you crying?
I'm trying to make myself feel better.
I'll make us some tea.
You don't make tea.
I know how. OK?
I even brought home some
tea bags from London.
OK, you know what?
I can do this.
Why are you being so weird?
I mean, you're always weird,
but more so today.
All right...
You know I can't lie to you boys.
If I could move my facial muscles,
you would see that I am
actually really, really angry.
No, no, no, no.
Don't worry.
I worked through my rage earlier.
Your father and I are getting a divorce.
What?
No, no.
You can't.
So you're going to give up just like that?
Mom, you can't do this to me right now.
Stop it.
Some shrinks you are.
This chicken is dry.
Dad.
I mean, have you even
tried to work things out?
I think this is overcooked.
The taste just isn't zesty.
I need the damn salt.
Oh, for God sakes.
Take the fucking salt!
You think I haven't worked?
You think this is easy for me?
I haven't been fucked in eight years!
It's better that way.
Charlie...
Charlie, what's wrong with you?
I can't talk about it.
I feel like I'm going to throw up.
I am going to throw up.
Why?
Because she's pregnant!
Ohh!
I'm going to be a grandmother.
Oh, you weren't supposed to tell anyone.
This is weird.
Aren't you excited?
I'm not ready to have a child.
Having children is the best thing I ever did
in my whole life.
I don't think we're going to have it.
Oh, oh, yes, you are.
- Oh, my God.
- What?
I may be a Democrat,
but when it comes to
my family, I'm pro-life.
You cannot kill my grandchild, Vivian.
- Is that an order?
- OK, Dad.
We haven't decided what we're gonna do yet.
I think it's pretty obvious.
You should have it.
Oh, I should have it?
Why don't you try shitting out a watermelon.
That's the easy part, sweetheart.
- I need another drink.
- Me too.
- Me three.
- No, no. You cannot drink.
You don't want a kid that
looks like Elf, do you?
There's no kid!
Merry fucking Christmas.
Charlie?
I have a little surprise for you.
I wouldn't normally do this, but...
Oh, shit...
My mom has a bong?
Shh!
Mom, I don't even have a bong.
Pot is therapeutic.
You should know.
You know I smoked?
You didn't say anything?
Why do you think it always went missing?
- I thought it was Adrian.
- No, it was me.
Here.
You know, honey...
I think things are really
over with your father.
Are you OK?
I don't know.
It's just...
it's just so hard, like being right,
like, all the time.
You know, maybe you should take a break.
I have no idea how to do that.
I feel like I look old.
- You look young.
- No.
Maybe a little too young.
No. I look like a puffer fish.
Yes, but a young puffer fish.
Oh, I feel so old.
Oh, God.
Oh, what is it?
What's wrong?
I met someone.
Oh, that's fantastic.
He hasn't called me back.
I like him so much it makes me feel sick.
Oh, sweetie, I understand.
How long has it been?
One week.
Oh, honey.
Come here, come here.
Can I give you some advice, as your mother?
Take one more hit of this.
And then... that's it.
One more hit then we'll
take off the rubber band.
No, this is kill...
This is hurting you.
This is why he hasn't called...
- We're gonna take it off.
- No, please don't.
It's gonna break off...
I can't quite do it.
Shh...
So what the fuck are we going to do, huh?
About what?
About the fact that I'm pregnant.
We should handle this like adults.
Oh, God.
You know, I still feel like I'm 16.
I have no better idea what
to do now than I did then.
I think we need to fuck...
And then decide.
Brilliant.
I hope it's Michael's.
He probably wants it more than me.
I think I like you more than him.
You're supposed to like me more than him.
You're married to him.
Don't say that word.
It's too permanent sounding.
This is not what I thought
it was going to be like.
I feel like...
I feel like a real asshole, Vivian.
Do you?
Yeah.
You know, if it wasn't you
it'd probably be somebody else.
Yeah, I guess it's better
to keep it in the family.
Who the fuck is that?
I don't know.
Who is it?
It's Michael, open up.
Hey, uh, come on up.
- What is he doing here?
- You gotta hide.
What? Fuck you.
This is great, you know that?
Please don't come out.
So I fucked the maid on our honeymoon.
Seriously?
She was there, and flirting with me.
So I bent her over the wet bar,
and I fucked her in the ass.
Where was Vivian?
She was in the steam room
or getting a massage -
I don't know.
I feel bad.
Shit happens.
Should I tell her or not?
You definitely should.
Don't you think that could
just cause unnecessary drama?
It's not like I'm ever gonna see
this random maid ever again.
Honesty is always good.
I should talk to Mom, huh?
I don't think so.
She'll just make you feel
better about yourself.
Oh, God forbid.
Everyone cheats.
Just forget it ever happened.
Hello.
Hi. May I speak with
George, please?
This is George.
George, hi.
It's Dr. Petunia,
Charlie's mom.
Oh... Hi.
Uh, is everything OK?
I just wanted to invite you
over for dinner tonight.
Oh, that's nice of you.
Yeah, how's five o'clock?
That's early.
OK, 5:30.
My husband gets heartburn
if we eat any later.
Um, sure.
Sounds like fun.
Great. I'll see you then.
Bye bye.
You seem anxious.
Do I make you nervous?
No.
I'm just a little...
confused.
It's to be expected.
There's nothing to worry about.
This is a safe place.
This room is safe.
And what happens here, stays here.
I guess I'm just not sure
what I'm doing here without your son.
All right.
As you know, Charlie has
taken a vow of abstinence.
Did you turn up the heat?
I'm sweating.
As a psychologist...
As a psychologist,
I feel this is very unhealthy
for a boy his age.
85 degrees.
Are you trying to kill me?
Celibacy at 24 is indicative of
a more deeply rooted issue.
Do... do we have a fan?
Do you understand what I'm
trying to say here, George?
I can't say that I do.
We want you to have...
...with our son.
Just buy him a couple of drinks
and, and, and, well...
I suppose you know how to execute the rest.
You want me to date rape Charlie?
No. Just think of it as
aggressive seduction.
Mrs... Dr. Petunia.
If Charlie makes a choice...
I don't think you're
supposed to undermine it.
I love my son, George.
I want him to flourish.
I want him to have a
great and prosperous life.
And what he is doing is
psychologically unhealthy.
I...
I think you can help.
The damn thermostat is stuck.
What do you think, George?
Can you help our family?
I, uh...
George! I love you!
Answer me!
I love you!
He's not home.
OK.
Um, who are you?
His wife.
This is pretty...
Awkward?
I didn't know he was...
Straight.
Well, yeah.
Gay and straight are just labels.
Sexuality is the infinite variable.
Are you like those freaky Amish people?
George and I are a family.
And so whatever he needs,
I agree with, because...
Oprah had a book club book
on open marriage once.
I didn't read it.
I just held it so people on the bus
wouldn't talk to me.
Well...
Yeah, I know.
I mean, I know, it's not like
the most conventional thing.
We're not crazy sex maniacs or anything.
It's just... we gotta do
what we gotta do.
What are you drinking?
Lemonade, maple syrup,
brown sugar and prune juice.
It's a diet.
Are you serious?
Do I look like I'm joking?
Well, aren't you hungry?
Starving.
But it's a... it's a detox.
It's a cleanse.
It's a rebirth.
It's morally condoned anorexia.
Why not just work out?
I run 40 miles a week.
Wow.
I don't even cover 40 miles a year.
You look great.
Oh, I don't do it to look good.
I just want to feel like
I'm going somewhere.
And I run the fuck out of that reservoir.
Does it work?
No.
Some days I just want
to just keep on running.
Yeah, me too.
Charlie.
I see you've met Robin.
He loves you.
I thought you were home.
I didn't know you were...
We're married.
That's the word.
I'm gonna let you guys handle this.
I'll be inside ironing my panties.
I'm sorry.
I should have told you.
I thought we were...
We were, we are.
I don't believe that.
I know what I know.
Is that supposed to mean something?
I thought we could be friends
who have fun together.
We did. We are, right?
I'm gonna die.
This is why I don't date
people in my zip code.
You share a bodega.
You share a post office.
You shouldn't be dating anyone anyway.
You haven't been burned like the rest of us.
The rest of us settle.
You are the only person
that I have thought about for months.
You're gonna like a lot of
people in your life, Charlie,
believe me.
This is entirely fucked.
I'm sorry, buddy.
Buddy?
You are the only person
that I've ever liked.
That's too much pressure.
Where have you been hiding her?
She was away for business.
You don't love me?
I don't know what that means.
I need to go.
Don't make this weird.
Me, make this weird?
Come on.
You know where I live.
Got coffee.
No drinking with my grandchild
in your womb, OK?
Excuse me.
Two Diet Pepsis, please.
Really smooth, Felicia.
- What?
- Well, it's...
OK, so now, you remember.
Guys are just like dogs.
But instead of doing tricks
for biscuits, they do tricks
for, uh, you know, the ladies.
I know what I'm doing.
Hey.
Well... Hello.
Do we know each other?
It's just that you look so familiar.
Oh, well, yeah, I used to get Demi Moore
and Catherine Zeta a lot, but that was
when my hair was darker.
Oh, I got it.
It's my aunt.
You look just like my Aunt Cathy.
Oh, my... That's chill.
What did you say?
I'm chill?
No, you chill.
Oh, hey, it's OK.
You know, I'm down.
You're not that down...
Trust me.
What's going on here?
Nothing.
We're... bitchin'.
I am not bitching.
You're bitching, you bitch!
She doesn't know the lingo, all right?
No, I'm not familiar with
the current vernacular.
Oh, my God!
I love Vernacular.
I just saw them live.
Here. Take this.
Oh, thank you.
This is mine.
Here.
Cheers.
Oh, the water feels so...
so cleansing, so sensuous.
Oh, yeah.
This is helping.
This is better.
Are you OK?
Your eyes look a little weird.
OK... OK.
I'm great.
I am great.
I am beyond great.
I am...
Oh, oh.
I am so...
So, um...
I am so, so, so, so...
Oh, shit.
Vivian, I think I'm...
I'm starting to freak out a little bit.
I'm...
Wait, wait.
- Did you take something?
- No...
Well, maybe just a little...
Ecstasy.
Please don't tell Michael.
Please, please.
He'll judge me.
He's so self-righteous.
He's so, my son.
I won't tell him.
God, it's hot in here.
I think I'm overheating, Viv.
I think if I...
Maybe if I just lay down.
No, no, no.
Felicia, no.
Not here, not here.
Just hold on a second, OK?
It's all right.
OK, just relax...
You can lay down right over here.
Yes.
You've just got to ride it out.
- OK.
- Be careful.
I'm good.
Oh, it's so hot.
Are you OK?
Yeah...
Oh...
Oh, this is good.
It's so...
It's so cold.
Ahh.
See? You're fine.
Oh, I'm not.
I'm not fine.
I'm the opposite of fine.
Just relax.
No, I can't.
I can't relax!
Relaxation makes me anxious.
Oh, God.
This is why I don't take baths.
You're sitting there waiting
for something to happen.
Just inhale, exhale.
Inhale and exhale.
Sometimes breathing is
just so fucking depressing.
Are you saying you want to kill yourself?
Oh, Viv, I'm a narcissist, sweetie.
We don't kill ourselves.
We just assassinate the character
of all the people around us.
Good.
I mean, 'cause that would be
sad, you know, if you died.
Can I ask you something?
Yeah.
Do you think I'm...
If you were a man my age, would you...
Felicia, you're hot.
Really?
Yeah.
Thanks.
Maybe it's just me, you know?
It's not his fault.
Percy, I mean.
I guess it's kind of nice
sometimes, you know.
What's nice?
Just knowing that he's gonna
be there when I get home.
Waiting.
No matter what, no matter when,
he'll be there.
So then what's the problem?
Uh, it's just that he
doesn't look at me anymore.
No one does.
I'm not the entree anymore, Viv.
I'm the... garnish.
I'm the parsley.
I'm hungry.
Let's go.
- Ow.
- What?
It couldn't be kicking already, right?
No, no, honey.
That's just gas.
You know they say that being
pregnant is really beautiful,
but it's really kind of gross.
Oh, it's so gross.
It doesn't get any better.
But it's worth it most days.
Don't worry.
I'm not so sure.
And you never will be.
I, I, I really think I need
to dance, right now.
Because if I don't dance
right now, I will die.
Let's dance.
HERE WE GO NOW...
WE GETTING CRAZY RIGHT NOW
IT'S BANANAS
IT'S RIDICULOUS
IT'S CRAZY
LET'S DANCE
ALL YOU HAVE TO DO
IS PUT YOUR HANDS
IN THE AIR
EVERYBODY COME
AND DANCE OVER HERE
FORCES YOU GONNA DEAL WITH,
WE THE NICEST
WHO EVER SAW A FLOW
SO RIGHTEOUS
SO I MIGHT JUS GET A LITTLE SPICY
A LITTLE ICY,
CHILLIN' IN MY WHITE T
GOT THE WHOLE WORLD
HOLLERING, SWALLOWING...
Knock, knock.
Robin, what are you doing?
What?
I don't even shower naked.
Oh, we're all adults here.
Fucking my husband.
I mean, are we not?
Are we not?
- Robin.
- I made you eggs.
I can't eat them, obviously.
But I, I made them for you.
- All right, thank you.
- Yeah, thank you.
Fuck this.
I'm going running.
Ugh!
We said thank you.
She seems fine with it.
Yeah.
All right, where is she?
- What?
- Where is she?
What are you talking about?
Where the fuck is Vivian?
Calm down.
Charlie, I can't find her.
And I know that you two,
you have your little...
Well, clearly she is not here.
What the hell is he doing here?
I'm his alibi.
Are you fucking my wife?
Michael, I am clearly gay.
How am I supposed to know
these things, Charlie.
You have a living room full of pussies.
They're Adrian's.
Adrian's. Why does he
get to have so many,
and I can't just have one?
Hmm?
You know, she doesn't love me.
It'll be okay, Michael.
Is that Vivian?
Hmm?
This is not what normal looks like.
Water my plants.
Michael, no!
I need a fucking carb!
Oh.
Are you OK?
I'm fine.
Oh... I'm sorry.
Where's Charlie?
He's filling out some paperwork.
You jumped out a window?
Yeah.
But it was a second story.
So...
So, maybe it was more of a statement than...
an actual suicide attempt?
Mom, I went to grad school.
I wasn't trying to kill myself.
Then what the hell were you doing?
I just need some attention.
Oh...
Well, you know, I'm really
not happy about this.
I'm really not happy.
Nobody's happy, sweetie.
I mean, everyone's just...
They're just pretending.
Anyway...
The important thing is...
We, uh...
We...
We love you.
What?
What.
You've never said that before.
Well, maybe we should start.
You always said love is a revival
of your own narcissism.
It's a frivolous clich people use
to make them feel better about themselves.
OK, I'm gonna let you in
on a little secret, Michael.
I don't fucking know what I'm talking about.
Hey, is everything OK?
No.
What are you doing?
I'm meditating.
How's that working out for you?
I think I'm having a panic attack.
How do you know?
Your palms are sweating, and you're shaking,
and you have tunnel vision, and I...
I can't breathe.
I have that all the time.
You do?
Yeah.
Anxiety's kinda my thing.
Oh, my God, me too.
Is George home?
No, he's out...
For the day.
Oh.
Don't take it personally, Charlie.
You can't take it personally,
or else it's all gonna go to shit.
You just got to put your blinders on.
That's what I do.
Are there, I mean, others?
Not in the building.
So is this the arrangement?
You know that idea that
everyone has that one person
that's out there, that's gonna be exactly
what you've always wanted?
I don't think that's true for everyone.
Neither do I.
If you want me to stop, I will.
George and...
I just want him to be happy.
And you can give him what I can't.
How's your panic attack?
This meditation thing is fucking bullshit.
I know.
I much prefer drinking.
I'm really glad my husband's penis
introduced us.
I am, too.
Don't get any paint on the floor.
Your mom will kill us.
I paint for a living, Dad.
Yeah, well you track paint on the carpet,
she'll have an aneurysm.
Which is why God made paint remover.
Adrian, I, I, I, uh...
I need your help.
With what?
What's wrong?
Are you sick?
No.
Is Mom sick?
No, no, no.
You need to crash with me?
No. I...
I can't get, a goddamn erection.
Shit.
Yeah.
Well, you've, um, you've tried, um...
No, I've tried.
Yes, believe me, I've tried.
Well, if you want I could...
I can probably get you some stuff to help.
No.
Does that work?
I don't know.
I've never, you know.
But you can give it a shot.
You'd do that for me?
Sure, whatever.
All right, then...
Thanks.
Changing the subject...
Paint thinner.
So what are you thinking of naming the baby?
Oh, um...
Just, whatever.
Robin...
I was thinking Martha,
after Michael's grandmother.
Or Timothy, if it's a boy.
But actually, I really like Justin.
I'm sorry.
What do you think?
I, I don't really care.
I like Justin.
- Justin's nice.
- Yeah.
I like that one, yeah.
Would anyone care for a pig in a blanket?
Oh, no, none for me, thank you.
Robin's on a liquid diet.
Oh, well, appetite is part
of the libido, you know.
Starvation is an unconscious
way of avoiding sexuality.
Oh, well, that would make sense.
Sex and my husband don't go hand in hand.
Welcome to my world.
Sometimes you just need it though, right?
Yeah.
Actually, you know, um,
there are some people...
...who go celibate for years
into their marriage...
...to sublimate their libido,
to have more creative energy.
Yeah, well, my husband
fucks other men, so...
Oh.
I actually have my suspicions
that he's top, and a bottom.
He shaves his butthole.
Charlie would know,
actually, better than me.
That, that is, so oversharing.
So he's a bottom, isn't he?
Oh, my God.
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
Do me a favor.
Just shut up for once.
Mmm...
Oh, God.
You know what I feel like?
A Caprese salad.
From that place in Tribeca.
What was the name of that?
Maybe we can get a reservation
there tomorrow night.
Then MOMA, or no, better yet, The Whitney.
We need new box springs.
Actually, I think I'd like the beach.
Tom and Joan offered us
their place in Southampton for the weekend.
- Oh, God, not now.
- They said any time.
- But I hate the sun.
- So we'll bring an umbrella.
And the sand and the crowds.
And the whole mundane,
beach relaxation concept.
It's just that...
What is there to do?
Uh, spend time together.
Isn't that what we're doing now?
You know, I'm really trying here, Percy.
Seriously, I think I need a chiropractor.
Hello!
Are you in there?
Could you look at me...
Could you listen to me?
Oh, Jesus, Percy.
Who the fuck are you?
I'm lying on a table with
a rather unattractive...
...piece of cutlery stuck to
my rather unattractive ass.
Well, you're here, but
you're not really here.
You checked out a long time ago.
If I had known you were putting on a show,
I'd have bought tickets.
OK. All right...
The kids are grown.
The mortgage is paid.
And there's nothing on the calendar.
When is it our turn, huh?
I have no idea.
The whole time it's been,
wait till Michael gets out of Columbia.
Let's get Charlie through summer camp.
Let's help Adrian find a job.
Our life is finally ours again.
Why don't you want it?
What?
You don't want me anymore.
Is that it?
What did I just do?
I tried.
Yeah. That was like a chore.
You know that...
Oh, you were so fucking
close too, OK, I just...
I would like to know where, where we stand.
I mean, do you care?
Do you not care?
Do you ever stop talking?
I think I just did.
Your brother is driving me crazy.
Jesus, Vivian, you scared me.
Sorry.
I hate him.
Why?
He won't even return my phone calls.
I thought you lived with him.
No, Adrian.
I think it's Adrian's.
You had sex with Adrian?
No, he just looked at me really intensely,
and then boom, I was pregnant.
Yes, I had sex with Adrian.
You're married to Michael.
Yeah, that's true.
Well, I don't know...
Don't react. Just listen.
You're the only one I can
talk to about this anyway.
It's all going to be OK.
Don't say that.
Why?
It's probably not true.
Maybe I don't even want it to be OK.
I'm just...
God, I'm so, so messed
up over all of this...
I can't have this kid.
It's ruining my plans.
Maybe it will settle you down.
That's just it...
I don't want to settle down.
I'm exactly the opposite.
Yeah, you should be having it.
Vivian, you can't drink with the baby!
Charlie...
That's a partial myth.
No, it's not!
You'll get the baby drunk.
Hmm, lucky him.
It's a boy?
So...
You and Vivian...
What?
She told me.
It was innocent.
An innocent fling with your brother's wife?
This doesn't involve you, Charlie.
It does now.
This is messed up.
She doesn't know whether it's yours or his.
It will look the same either way.
Oh, my God.
Adrian, your dong is
gonna be the death of me.
That just sounds weird, bro.
You know what I mean.
I know I fucked up.
You know how you are with peanut brittle?
I'm like that with pussy.
I just can't turn it down.
Did you just compare
peanut brittle to vagina?
I know how much you love it.
It's game.
I'm gonna go to a seminar.
Another one?
They're helping me figure things out.
I feel like an idiot.
I should be doing this myself.
I mean, this is why we hire people.
There's something about a dad
building a crib for his kid.
That whole thing.
Michael, we're not like that.
Yeah, I guess we're not.
I'll see you later, OK?
And look, don't worry about this.
I mean, you're paying the guy, right?
It's practically the same thing.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Charlie, have you ever fucked a woman?
Excuse me?
A woman.
Even if it was anal, it still counts.
Um... No, I haven't.
Well, because, I was thinking about it.
And I was thinking that
we should all have sex.
Uh...
Are you serious?
Yes. What?
We're all adults here.
What's the big deal?
I'm gay.
That's just a title.
I mean, George isn't very...
three times a year.
What do you think?
I'm a little freaked out right now.
What?
I just...
I want to be normal.
I don't know what that is, but -
I know this isn't even close.
I can't be in a three-way
marriage with you.
Are you breaking up with us?
No. I love both of you.
This, this is just weird.
This is about your parents' divorce,
isn't it?
You didn't tell me that.
I'm sorry, I need to...
go, I'm gonna go.
Good try.
What are you doing?
I'm worshipping your cock.
I saw it on Oprah.
I'm confused.
It's because you're thinking
about it too much.
Come on.
But it isn't the third
Wednesday of the month.
Or your birthday, or my birthday.
Oh, I can't do this.
What?
I can't do this with you, George.
I've been fucking starving
for the past five years.
So eat something.
No. No, you don't get it.
You don't give me enough credit.
I am fucking starving for love.
I want a husband that fucks me and loves me,
and is my best friend.
I do love you.
You are my best friend.
What do you want me to do?
I'll do it.
Do you, do you want me to...
I'll put a strap-on.
I will.
I'll... I'll wear
those collared shirts.
I'll be more aggressive.
What do you want me to do?
I'll change.
Robin...
I don't want to be one of those people
that settles for a shitty life...
because the alternative takes too much work.
Doesn't it all come back
to friendship anyway?
I'm leaving you.
It's all about living in the moment, people.
If you live in the moment,
you will find happiness.
And happiness...
is the secret to life.
Let it go.
You could have knocked.
I did - for five minutes.
You scared me.
My bad.
What do you need?
Robin left me.
What?
She's gone.
What?
I thought everything was OK.
She needs something more, she says.
I'm sorry.
I don't know what to do.
She loves you.
I know.
She's right...
She deserves better.
I'm going.
I'm not gonna chase after you, George.
Maybe this is all karmic.
She'll be back.
I don't know if I want that, either.
I don't know what I want.
I'm like a tween girl at summer camp.
That analogy is not at all attractive.
We're all stuck.
Look on the bright side, George...
We'll all be dead before long.
Percy, have you seen my keys?
I didn't want it to be like this.
I left them somewhere in the kitchen.
I think you need to hear this.
I need to check the mail.
Can we talk for a second?
I'm expecting a check
from that patient -
the one with the bad insurance.
Will you listen to me just, just for once?
God damn it!
I think we're idiots.
But I just feel like I'm waiting, waiting...
For what?
I mean, what do we have left?
All right.
I'm here, Felicia.
I may not be the man you met.
I may not be the man you hoped for.
I may not be the man I hoped for.
But I'm here...
And I think you love me more than you admit.
So...
What do we do?
My balls may sag.
My hair may fall out.
I think I'm actually shrinking.
Every day I...
I get older.
I'm freaked out.
I'm so fucking freaked out.
Sometimes I get so...
I don't know...
lonely, you know.
So we can be lonely together.
I'm trying.
- Michael.
- What?
There are way too many vegetables in there.
I'm going to need something fried.
Like some, some fried...
fried Twizzlers.
I'm more handicapped than you, Viv.
Yours was self-inflicted.
So was yours.
There was another person
involved in creating my pain.
Right. By another person,
you do mean me, right?
You want to go there?
OK.
I have no idea.
What?
You fucked the maid.
I fucked your brother.
Whatever.
Knock, knock.
Am I interrupting something?
I actually knew that
you fucked Adrian, Vivian.
I saw the painting...
A vagina.
A little abstract.
I'm just gonna...
Yeah, well, I also found out about the maid.
Look, Michael...
Can you pay attention?
OK.
The maid was a mistake.
So was your brother.
Oh, Vivian, that is really,
really messed up.
Yeah, I agree.
I guess, I just, um, I don't know.
I was looking for attention or something.
You had mine.
I do love you, Michael.
I just don't know if I want a child.
I don't think I want to
have my brother's child.
Hey, guys, I really have to...
I think you should order your French fries
and ice cream online.
Why aren't you yelling at me?
I don't know.
Well, I wish you would.
You are a shitty wife.
Do you know that?
And I hate to say it, but it is true.
I know we talked about it before, but...
This whole deal is not
exactly what I signed up for,
you know?
I gotta pee.
Don't look at me.
God, I can't take this anymore!
I feel fat and sweaty, and leaky and gross.
What is wrong with me?
You're pregnant.
That's just it, Charlie.
I can't be a mother.
I mean, look at me.
I don't care about anything enough.
It's, it's bad.
Aren't you excited?
Yeah, for all the wrong reasons.
Like, I would like 40 cigarettes, OK,
and a shot of tequila.
Uh-oh.
Are you all right?
I think-
I think it's gonna...
Promise me one thing, OK?
If anything happens,
that you'll take care of him.
Oh, Minkel...
Yes, absolutely.
I'll help you guys any way I can.
No, I meant...
Fuck, ow!
Oh, never mind.
Just get the suitcase.
Fuck.
It's OK.
Viv.
Viv, the door is stuck again.
Get me out.
Vivian!
Vivian, the door got stuck again!
I don't even know if the doctor is here.
We've got to get this pain
killer situation worked out.
- Back off!
- All right.
No, wait! Come here!
I need, I need...
I need some pain killers.
What can I have at this stage?
The contractions are starting...
She's a little uncomfortable.
Do you have anything...
Oh! Oh, give me something!
Oh, that hurts.
I love smoking pot in the morning.
I love taking body shots off of strangers.
I can't love this baby yet.
I won't love it.
No, you don't know that.
I know you'd love it enough for both of us.
Me?
Michael wants the baby, Viv.
I don't even know if it's his.
I can't take care of a baby.
You're the most put together person I know.
That is super sad.
I'm a mother that's not a mother.
That's sad.
Ah!
All right, let's have you push, OK?
Go ahead. Push.
All right, doing good.
Let's have one more on three.
One... two... three...
OK... Go.
You did it.
Hold it.
No!
You did it.
Aw, hey.
Yeah.
How did that happen?
Some guy she met on the missed connections
section of Craigslist.
Oh, I love that section.
I go there all the time.
You do?
Oh, not for sex...
I just, I just go there to see
if anybody will notice me.
Wow, that is so sad.
And so me.
You left him.
I did.
Are you having a panic attack?
No.
Do you want a Zanex?
No. No...
This is good.
I'm good.
I ate an entire box of pizza.
I feel liberated.
How's the baby?
He's good.
He's cute...
New...
Asian.
How's your brother?
Oh, my God, Michael!
Michael!
Charlie, I'm in the bathroom.
Are you OK?
You gotta pull up on
the door and then open it.
Where did you go?
Well...
We had to go to the hospital.
Is everything all right?
Yeah.
You OK?
Hi.
WITH THE RISE OF THE SUN
THERE'S A PLACE
LOST IN TIME
I HAVE SEEN
ITS SWEET SHORES...
Would you love me
if I had a giant hand, gigantism of my hand?
Would you love me if
I had a creepy doll collection?
Would you love me if
I tattooed a face on my face?
Would you love me if
I suddenly became a wiccan?
Would you love me if I liked The Care Bears?
I love The Care Bears.
Would you love me if I loved The Care Bears.
Well, I love you, so.
This cake is so good.
LETTING GO
YOUR LITTLE WHITE LIES
TO THE SKY
AND THIS PLACE I HAVE SEEN
IN THE DEPTHS
OF THE NIGHT...
I CAN SWIM BY THE RISE
I CAN SWIM BY THE RISE
OF THE SUN...
He's so good.
Oh, God, I've missed this so much.
Stop looking at me.
OK.
You know, these paintings
are really quite lovely.
I don't know...
They're devoid of technique,
derivative, and silly.
In 25 years, have you ever
agreed with me on anything?
God, no.
Don't start.
TAKE ME TO A MOUNTAIN TOP
WHERE THERE IS NO
TALK OF ROMANCE
BECAUSE ALL THIS TALK OF ROMANCE
MAKES ME GROW
SO OLD, SO FAS TAKE ME TO A MOUNTAIN SIDE
WHERE BIRDS FLY HIGH ABOVE ME
I DON'T NEED NO ONE TO LOVE ME
JUST A MOUNTAINSIDE...
LIGHT COMES
SO FAST AND SWEE WE COME CLOSER
THAN SHOULD BE
BUT YOU WILL NEVER TELL ME
THAT YOU'VE MADE UP YOUR MIND...
TAKE ME INTO OUTER SPACE...
IN LOVE
IS A SAD AND FLEETING STATE
AND IT'S JUST SO DUMB SOMETIMES
TOOK ME A TO A ROOFTOP
WHERE THE SUN
SHINES SO HOT ON ME
I DON'T NEED NO ONE
TO WRONG ME
JUST TO LIE BESIDE...
AND I CAN LIVE WITHOUT YOUR TOUCH
BESIDES
I UNDERSTAND TOO MUCH
THAT LIFE IS LIKE
AND SUCH AND SUCH
BUT I'M SO TIRED...
Have you met my granddaughter, Bethany?
Hello, Charlie.
It's nice to meet you.
Will you excuse me?
I need a drink.
You two should make me
a million grandbabies.
Give back to this wonderful world.
Charlie, could you come
with me for a minute?
So...
how about a dance
with your new sister-in-law?
I can't dance.
I hate these things.
Charlie...
Have another drink.
Loosen up.
I'm loose enough.
There's no point in being
miserable all the time.
I'm not miserable.
I'm in control.
What?
I can't believe your brother
threw up already.
At his own wedding reception.
He acts as though he's
never had a drink before.
What?
Who's...
George.
You guys haven't met?
He's my cousin.
He's a little shy.
No. I'm terrible at meeting
people in these situations.
Come on. He's sweet.
What is with that?
It helps in controlling my sexual urges.
Oh, God.
Hold on.
Charlie, meet George.
George is my cousin.
He went to Yale.
He's a financial advisor.
But we don't hold that against him.
George, meet Charlie -
as of an hour ago,
my brother-in-law.
- He's a blogger.
- Writer.
Blogger.
It's nice to meet you, George.
The pleasure is all mine.
God, we sound so civilized.
You've got a little, chocolate on...
Really?
Oh, God.
It happens.
I was always worried that
I'd have a conversation
that went something like this.
It's happening.
OK, you guys.
Come on, let's dance.
It's my fucking wedding night.
Let's go.
Now.
Feel better?
I GET SO, I GET SO
I GET SO
SO PENT UP...
I GET SO, I GET SO
I GET SO
SO PENT UP
Charlie...
Why aren't you dancing?
Because I don't dance, Grace.
Because I have no rhythm.
I look epileptic when I do it.
What's epileptic?
Never mind.
My mom says you're a friend of Dorothy.
Who's Dorothy?
From The Wizard of Oz.
I'm more like the lion.
I like Dorothy.
Hey, have you seen Vivian?
She was on the dance floor when I left her.
That makes sense.
Charlie, you got a condom?
- Me?
- Yeah.
Protection...
Preferably, a hybrid magnum.
I don't have sex, Adrian.
Oh, that is sad.
It's all overrated.
Those STDs were making me anxious.
And being anxious was making me
even more anxious.
It was just easier to call it quits.
Well...
Michael. You?
I'm married now.
I don't use them.
Whatever.
Hey, bro, enjoy your honeymoon.
Happy marriage.
You're married.
Can you believe it?
Yeah...
I, um, puked... Twice.
It's nerves, I'm sure.
I'm just ready for this wedding to be over,
and the marriage to start.
The wedding's supposed to be the easy part.
Hey. Could you do me a favor?
I want you to take down the number
of where I'm staying, just
in case something happens.
Nothing's going to happen.
Just in case, OK?
I don't want to give it to Mom.
She'll just use it to harass me
and I'm not going to pay those
international phone charges.
And Adrian will just use it as a cum rag.
OK, here it is.
Enjoy yourself.
You will never get to relive this day again.
To my brother, Michael,
and his lovely new bride, Vivian.
Michael, I always thought
you would end up alone
eating Lean Cuisines.
And you might be because Vivian cooking
probably won't happen.
But you two were made for each other.
So, here's to you.
Charlie...
Tell your father we either dance, or we go.
I'm not gonna just sit here.
Dad, Mom says either you dance with her
or she's leaving.
Tell her I'd rather stab myself in the eye
with a salad fork.
He says you look really nice.
Tell him his ear wax is making me nauseous.
She says you look good too.
To suffocate me in our
sleep, not to hesitate.
Mom, I think Dad's gonna sit this one out.
OK, Mom, Dad, will you excuse me?
- You OK?
- I'm fine.
I just need a little air.
Shit.
- George?
- Oh! Hey, hi.
What are you doing here?
Did you follow me?
Are you that rapist that follows people
into their doorways and rapes them?
I live here.
- Seriously?
- Yes.
In this building?
Petunia in 2A.
Oh, you're right on top of me.
You haven't even bought me a drink yet.
Maybe you're the rapist.
Is it rape if two rapists rape each other?
I think I saw that on The View once.
I love The View.
Do you want me to open the door?
Yeah, yeah, I do.
I don't even think these are my keys.
I love you, so much.
Oh.
Are you still going to love me
if I lose all my hair?
Oh, what?
What if I had a glandular problem
and I gained 60 pounds?
No.
What if I had gigantism?
It depends on where.
The hands.
I just had like a giant hand.
Well, no.
How about if I ate my
twin before I was born...
...and I had like an extra
enzyme in my DNA...
...and you couldn't see it or
feel it or acknowledge it...
...and I just told you
about it right this moment?
Are you trying to make me vomit?
No.
Well, are you saying that I got to remain
exactly as I am for the duration
of this marriage or you'll stop loving me?
Yes.
Stay exactly as you are.
You know that I'm gonna love you
no matter what?
I know...
That's why we're married.
Why don't you grow that giant hand of yours,
and pour me a glass of champagne, huh?
You know, Michael...
You just married a vivacious
20... something.
We're going on our honeymoon.
You're talking about twins, and gigantism.
It's our wedding night!
It's not like we've been
holding out on each other.
Hardly.
Why can't we talk?
We can talk.
Just right now, you're giving me a migraine.
OK.
Just know, this is the voice
that you're going to be hearing
for the rest of your life.
Ah...
Oh...
I love you.
Ah...
Oh.
I wish you would quit breathing so loud.
- Hey, Michael
- No, don't talk.
Just take in the moment.
Absorb the beauty.
Come on.
I miss New York.
Already?
I cannot function outside the city, OK?
Besides, it smells like dead fish out there.
And I prefer my fish to be live.
And in tanks.
Vivian, you're gonna be fine.
No fish.
No sushi.
Just me...
Me and my body.
OK. Can you not stare
at me for a little while?
I'm trying to find myself.
You're right here.
No, the book on tape, or whatever.
You know what?
I'm gonna go.
I'm gonna jazzercise.
Jazzercise?
Oh, my God.
It's a Molton Miller.
Oh, this is a classic.
It's an ass.
It's art.
No, this is going to be worth
a lot of money someday.
I read about him in an art blog.
It's still an ass.
You know who needs this ass?
Charlie.
Yeah, Charlie needs this ass.
He is so gonna love this ass.
Yeah.
Wow...
Talk about overdressed, eh?
Walking with a swagger.
He's got that whole vibe going on.
Right, he waddles.
Oh, Michael.
Where did you bring me?
They said this was the perfect place
for honeymooners.
Honeymooners? From where?
Iceland?
This is actually what
happy couples look like, Viv.
They're just trying to fill
that God-shaped
hole in the sky with, you know, mimosas
and fake foliage.
How about them?
They look sweet.
They look like they are having a blast.
Yeah, well, speaking of a blast,
I'm just going to have to get blasted.
Lynn, repeat after me.
I am not a victim.
I am not a victim.
Louder.
Huh?
Louder.
I am not a victim.
Oh, my God!
Have you heard of destructive therapy, Lynn?
It's the process of smashing objects
to release stress and anxiety.
- No, I don't...
- You're not a victim, Lynn.
Lynn, Lynn.
Come on. Stand up.
Come on. You can do it.
Just do it.
Just throw it.
Come on, Lynn.
Throw it.
Throw it, Lynn!
Come on, you're not a victim!
Yes!
- Yes.
- Yeah.
How'd that feel?
That felt great.
Oh, no, no, no!
That's my favorite...
Ah, OK, you know what,
it's... yeah.
It's time to go, yeah.
Same time next week, OK?
Just go, all right?
All right, OK.
Hello, everyone.
My name's Bill, and I am a sex addict.
Hi, Bill.
I, uh, just can't get enough
of other people's junk.
On Thursday nights I used to go under
the dick dock in Cape May.
I was a watcher.
Sometimes...
I was a doer.
But enough about me.
This is a safe place.
What we say in this room stays in the room.
So, who would like to start?
I would like to start.
Tony, why don't we give someone else
a chance this week?
OK, but I would like to get
something off my chest.
Go ahead.
Hello, everyone.
My name is Tony, and I am a sex addict.
Hi, Tony.
I have a taste for the classics.
1920s flapper porn, '50s housewives
with straight up vacuums.
Anything that's '60s Danish hardcore.
It's the addiction, Tony.
It's OK.
We've all been there.
Anyone else?
I will.
Ah.
Please, share with us.
Hi. I'm Natasha,
and I am a sex addict.
Hi, Natasha.
I love men, women, sex of all kinds.
Back door.
Front door.
Side door.
Anywhere.
Anytime.
Any place.
With anyone.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, my God.
Oh, I love you.
Ah.
...Code six.
125 North Vanderbilt, 52.
- Hey.
- Hi.
Whoa!
Seriously?
I wanted to do that.
I can't.
I don't do sex.
Oh, come on.
It's not that hard.
No.
Oh...
It's the outfit.
I can't resist.
You're drunk, huh?
Obvious?
Sorry.
What's that noise?
Is someone in there with you?
I should probably tell you this...
I listen to police scanners
from various US cities.
Overshare.
Are you on the run?
- No.
- Oh.
It's purely for entertainment purposes.
Plus, when they catch a perp,
I look them up on Facebook.
Do you?
You want some back up?
You don't need
Sex Addicts Anonymous, Adrian.
No, that's the perk of
having me for a mother.
Mom, I don't want to talk to you about
my addiction to sex.
It's odd.
It's only odd if you think it's odd.
Shh!
I need a change.
You're getting older, honey.
I'd rather be dead than old.
- Where's the acetone?
- Shh, stop it!
Someone is being rude here, honey.
I'm very sorry.
All right, Ad... Shh!
What you need to do is to
meet a nice, unattractive girl.
Someone with a killer personality?
Yeah, exactly.
- Acetone.
- Shh. Shut up!
I'm sorry, honey.
OK, listen.
Remember.
Nice.
Not attractive.
You can even go plump.
I can handle it.
You're here early.
Hey, Charlie, you got to do me a favor.
I'd love nothing more.
I can't have them in my apartment anymore.
I got more in the cab downstairs.
No offense, but I don't want a bunch
of random vagina chilling in my apartment.
This is art, Charlie.
I am not a storage facility.
Charlie...
I've got this problem.
We all have problems.
No, really.
I think I'm a sex addict.
And I think that's transferring
to a love addict.
Have you been talking to Mom?
It's just now whenever I, um...
Yes.
I say, I love you.
It's like love Tourettes or something.
Wow.
You got to help me get away
from all this vagina, Charlie.
You have been talking to Mom!
Just a little, OK?
All the masterful Picasso's
in the world are gone.
And I get my brother's
acrylic vagina paintings.
Please.
Oh, all right.
Hey, who's in there?
It's George.
George like Vivian's cousin, George?
Yeah, he lives downstairs.
Did you fucking fuck cousin George?
That is incest.
Technically, it isn't.
You did him?
Of course not!
Is he, uh...
I don't know.
Bring the paintings in.
You can leave them in my fireplace.
It doesn't work anyways.
You better not have bedbugs.
I will kill you.
Really, I mean it.
I should have not gotten anything to eat.
No.
They say coffee cures hangovers,
but it just gives me the shakes.
I don't get hangovers.
I didn't get hangovers until I was 28.
Then your body starts
paying you back for all
the messed up shit you did to it.
These eggs are runny.
You don't like runny eggs?
I don't understand eggs.
Oh, I might vomit.
Are you serious?
Don't do it in public.
If you vomit, then I might vomit..
And I would have to
curl up into a ball and die
if that happened.
I should know I can't
drink tequila shooters.
Do you remember coming over last night?
Vaguely.
You were funny.
I remember...
The Golden Girls.
- Designing Women.
- Oh, yeah.
Why are you single, Charlie?
It's like asking why I'm
getting gray hairs at 24.
Just am.
I could never be alone.
Yaah!
Felicia, have you seen my glasses?
Yaah!
I thought I left them on the table, but...
Yaah!
Yaah!
Yaah!
Oh, baby, Fuck me.
Fuck me right now.
Just throw me down on the ground
and rip off my shirt like I'm a present
at Christmas morning, come on.
Oh, baby.
Oh.
I just can't remember where they are.
I was reading the paper.
No idea?
I want a divorce.
Well, all right.
What country am I in?
Williamsburg.
It's the Amsterdam of New York.
It's fascinating.
White.
Red.
Black.
White.
Red!
It was... interesting?
One of the benefits of writing for a blog.
Quality theater.
You could call it that.
I haven't been out of Manhattan in months.
It's good to get away.
Tracy Hoover was given
the liver of a 9-year-old
accident victim in
a four-hour operation.
Hoover is in critical,
but stable condition -
normal after such an operation.
Her condition is monitored...
This isn't supposed to happen.
What?
This...
This can't happen.
You need to relax.
I know it's weird, but it helps.
Helps you remember you
can't get close to people?
That and other things.
I don't want anything from you
you don't want to give me.
I know.
I'm not going to date rape you.
Date rape is so '90s.
Regular rape is way more now.
Is that so?
Yeah.
I know it sounds strange,
but people are just
raping people now without the courtesy
of blacking them out first.
You're so cutting-edge.
I'm sorry.
I like it.
So, Melinda.
Uh, what do your parents do?
My dad's dead, and my mom works at a bank.
Oh, sorry to hear about your father.
Oh, it's cool.
He died when I was seven.
You know, I specialize
in people who have lost
their parents at an early age.
I'm OK.
He left me his Jag.
It has heated seats.
Melinda is going to fashion design school.
I want to make clothes
for full-figured girls.
Ambition is great.
I mean, if there was no ambition,
there would be no Special Olympics.
It's my calling.
I mean, the full figureds need clothes too.
Do you... Do you like Adrian?
I do.
Well, Adrian is the kind of...
Yeah, he's a little bit lost.
Well, Adrian's a good boy.
But he's a middle child.
Can we not get into this, Mother?
You and I are gonna get
together later, Melinda.
I've got some pointers as a professional
to help you deal with middle children.
Well, uh...
I sure would like Adrian to find somebody.
Although God knows, marriage
is like committing suicide
every single day of your life.
Hear, hear.
OK, we gotta go.
Go? Are you kidding me?
I made you tamales.
I can't believe I didn't serve them.
Since when have you ever made me anything,
especially tamales?
I am taking Spanish classes,
and I thought I would take in the culture.
I love Mexican food.
Of course you do.
Ole!
Fuck me.
JINGLE BELLS
JINGLE BELLS
JINGLE ALL THE WAY
OH, WHAT FUN
IT IS TO RIDE
ON A ONE HORSE
OPEN SLEIGH
OH, JINGLE BELLS...
I think with a few simple procedures,
we can have you easily
not look a day over 55.
I am 55.
Then we right the wrongs of time.
Doctor, do you think I'm pretty?
Well, judge for yourself.
Oh, oh!
All right, let's just, um,
start with a little filler, OK?
- Good first choice.
- Just don't overdo it.
Just really, really subtle.
You know, like people would say,
"Oh, you just got
back from vacation."
Or, you know...
"Oh, you look rested."
Like that.
OK?
You didn't tell him, did you?
I don't want everyone to hate me.
I want to be inside you so bad.
I'm ready.
Come to my apartment later.
God, your brother won't
let me go out at night alone.
I can pick you up.
No. It's way too risky.
Hey, George, it's Charlie.
Um, I tried you earlier twice.
Um, I just wanted to make
sure I didn't do something
to make you mad.
I had a great time the other night.
Um, so...
You have to stop obsessing, Michael.
It's the key to a healthy relationship.
- I love Vivian.
- Oh, don't say that.
I do, it's true.
You can only love yourself, Michael.
I'm tired of psychoanalyzing
everything I feel.
Isn't it healthy to feel something,
and say it and do it?
Oh, Michael, my oldest son.
You were clothed and fed
due to psychoanalyzation.
I just want to feel normal.
Oh, you are far from normal, my dear.
You are extraordinary.
Tell that to Vivian.
I will.
Vivian!
My son is extraordinary!
I know, Felicia.
They all are.
That's why I'm here.
What does that mean?
I'm pregnant.
Whose is it?
I don't know.
Yours, your brother's?
Who the fuck knows?
I'm gonna be a dad?
No, you're not gonna be a dad.
I'm not gonna be a mom.
I have an appointment on Monday.
You can't do that.
Yes, I can.
Oh, sorry...
Your mailbox cut me off.
Sorry for the long message.
Um, I'm going to be back downtown later.
So if you want to meet up,
maybe... OK.
Bye, call me.
I can't feel my face.
Charlie, what's wrong?
Nothing.
Why are you crying?
I'm trying to make myself feel better.
I'll make us some tea.
You don't make tea.
I know how. OK?
I even brought home some
tea bags from London.
OK, you know what?
I can do this.
Why are you being so weird?
I mean, you're always weird,
but more so today.
All right...
You know I can't lie to you boys.
If I could move my facial muscles,
you would see that I am
actually really, really angry.
No, no, no, no.
Don't worry.
I worked through my rage earlier.
Your father and I are getting a divorce.
What?
No, no.
You can't.
So you're going to give up just like that?
Mom, you can't do this to me right now.
Stop it.
Some shrinks you are.
This chicken is dry.
Dad.
I mean, have you even
tried to work things out?
I think this is overcooked.
The taste just isn't zesty.
I need the damn salt.
Oh, for God sakes.
Take the fucking salt!
You think I haven't worked?
You think this is easy for me?
I haven't been fucked in eight years!
It's better that way.
Charlie...
Charlie, what's wrong with you?
I can't talk about it.
I feel like I'm going to throw up.
I am going to throw up.
Why?
Because she's pregnant!
Ohh!
I'm going to be a grandmother.
Oh, you weren't supposed to tell anyone.
This is weird.
Aren't you excited?
I'm not ready to have a child.
Having children is the best thing I ever did
in my whole life.
I don't think we're going to have it.
Oh, oh, yes, you are.
- Oh, my God.
- What?
I may be a Democrat,
but when it comes to
my family, I'm pro-life.
You cannot kill my grandchild, Vivian.
- Is that an order?
- OK, Dad.
We haven't decided what we're gonna do yet.
I think it's pretty obvious.
You should have it.
Oh, I should have it?
Why don't you try shitting out a watermelon.
That's the easy part, sweetheart.
- I need another drink.
- Me too.
- Me three.
- No, no. You cannot drink.
You don't want a kid that
looks like Elf, do you?
There's no kid!
Merry fucking Christmas.
Charlie?
I have a little surprise for you.
I wouldn't normally do this, but...
Oh, shit...
My mom has a bong?
Shh!
Mom, I don't even have a bong.
Pot is therapeutic.
You should know.
You know I smoked?
You didn't say anything?
Why do you think it always went missing?
- I thought it was Adrian.
- No, it was me.
Here.
You know, honey...
I think things are really
over with your father.
Are you OK?
I don't know.
It's just...
it's just so hard, like being right,
like, all the time.
You know, maybe you should take a break.
I have no idea how to do that.
I feel like I look old.
- You look young.
- No.
Maybe a little too young.
No. I look like a puffer fish.
Yes, but a young puffer fish.
Oh, I feel so old.
Oh, God.
Oh, what is it?
What's wrong?
I met someone.
Oh, that's fantastic.
He hasn't called me back.
I like him so much it makes me feel sick.
Oh, sweetie, I understand.
How long has it been?
One week.
Oh, honey.
Come here, come here.
Can I give you some advice, as your mother?
Take one more hit of this.
And then... that's it.
One more hit then we'll
take off the rubber band.
No, this is kill...
This is hurting you.
This is why he hasn't called...
- We're gonna take it off.
- No, please don't.
It's gonna break off...
I can't quite do it.
Shh...
So what the fuck are we going to do, huh?
About what?
About the fact that I'm pregnant.
We should handle this like adults.
Oh, God.
You know, I still feel like I'm 16.
I have no better idea what
to do now than I did then.
I think we need to fuck...
And then decide.
Brilliant.
I hope it's Michael's.
He probably wants it more than me.
I think I like you more than him.
You're supposed to like me more than him.
You're married to him.
Don't say that word.
It's too permanent sounding.
This is not what I thought
it was going to be like.
I feel like...
I feel like a real asshole, Vivian.
Do you?
Yeah.
You know, if it wasn't you
it'd probably be somebody else.
Yeah, I guess it's better
to keep it in the family.
Who the fuck is that?
I don't know.
Who is it?
It's Michael, open up.
Hey, uh, come on up.
- What is he doing here?
- You gotta hide.
What? Fuck you.
This is great, you know that?
Please don't come out.
So I fucked the maid on our honeymoon.
Seriously?
She was there, and flirting with me.
So I bent her over the wet bar,
and I fucked her in the ass.
Where was Vivian?
She was in the steam room
or getting a massage -
I don't know.
I feel bad.
Shit happens.
Should I tell her or not?
You definitely should.
Don't you think that could
just cause unnecessary drama?
It's not like I'm ever gonna see
this random maid ever again.
Honesty is always good.
I should talk to Mom, huh?
I don't think so.
She'll just make you feel
better about yourself.
Oh, God forbid.
Everyone cheats.
Just forget it ever happened.
Hello.
Hi. May I speak with
George, please?
This is George.
George, hi.
It's Dr. Petunia,
Charlie's mom.
Oh... Hi.
Uh, is everything OK?
I just wanted to invite you
over for dinner tonight.
Oh, that's nice of you.
Yeah, how's five o'clock?
That's early.
OK, 5:30.
My husband gets heartburn
if we eat any later.
Um, sure.
Sounds like fun.
Great. I'll see you then.
Bye bye.
You seem anxious.
Do I make you nervous?
No.
I'm just a little...
confused.
It's to be expected.
There's nothing to worry about.
This is a safe place.
This room is safe.
And what happens here, stays here.
I guess I'm just not sure
what I'm doing here without your son.
All right.
As you know, Charlie has
taken a vow of abstinence.
Did you turn up the heat?
I'm sweating.
As a psychologist...
As a psychologist,
I feel this is very unhealthy
for a boy his age.
85 degrees.
Are you trying to kill me?
Celibacy at 24 is indicative of
a more deeply rooted issue.
Do... do we have a fan?
Do you understand what I'm
trying to say here, George?
I can't say that I do.
We want you to have...
...with our son.
Just buy him a couple of drinks
and, and, and, well...
I suppose you know how to execute the rest.
You want me to date rape Charlie?
No. Just think of it as
aggressive seduction.
Mrs... Dr. Petunia.
If Charlie makes a choice...
I don't think you're
supposed to undermine it.
I love my son, George.
I want him to flourish.
I want him to have a
great and prosperous life.
And what he is doing is
psychologically unhealthy.
I...
I think you can help.
The damn thermostat is stuck.
What do you think, George?
Can you help our family?
I, uh...
George! I love you!
Answer me!
I love you!
He's not home.
OK.
Um, who are you?
His wife.
This is pretty...
Awkward?
I didn't know he was...
Straight.
Well, yeah.
Gay and straight are just labels.
Sexuality is the infinite variable.
Are you like those freaky Amish people?
George and I are a family.
And so whatever he needs,
I agree with, because...
Oprah had a book club book
on open marriage once.
I didn't read it.
I just held it so people on the bus
wouldn't talk to me.
Well...
Yeah, I know.
I mean, I know, it's not like
the most conventional thing.
We're not crazy sex maniacs or anything.
It's just... we gotta do
what we gotta do.
What are you drinking?
Lemonade, maple syrup,
brown sugar and prune juice.
It's a diet.
Are you serious?
Do I look like I'm joking?
Well, aren't you hungry?
Starving.
But it's a... it's a detox.
It's a cleanse.
It's a rebirth.
It's morally condoned anorexia.
Why not just work out?
I run 40 miles a week.
Wow.
I don't even cover 40 miles a year.
You look great.
Oh, I don't do it to look good.
I just want to feel like
I'm going somewhere.
And I run the fuck out of that reservoir.
Does it work?
No.
Some days I just want
to just keep on running.
Yeah, me too.
Charlie.
I see you've met Robin.
He loves you.
I thought you were home.
I didn't know you were...
We're married.
That's the word.
I'm gonna let you guys handle this.
I'll be inside ironing my panties.
I'm sorry.
I should have told you.
I thought we were...
We were, we are.
I don't believe that.
I know what I know.
Is that supposed to mean something?
I thought we could be friends
who have fun together.
We did. We are, right?
I'm gonna die.
This is why I don't date
people in my zip code.
You share a bodega.
You share a post office.
You shouldn't be dating anyone anyway.
You haven't been burned like the rest of us.
The rest of us settle.
You are the only person
that I have thought about for months.
You're gonna like a lot of
people in your life, Charlie,
believe me.
This is entirely fucked.
I'm sorry, buddy.
Buddy?
You are the only person
that I've ever liked.
That's too much pressure.
Where have you been hiding her?
She was away for business.
You don't love me?
I don't know what that means.
I need to go.
Don't make this weird.
Me, make this weird?
Come on.
You know where I live.
Got coffee.
No drinking with my grandchild
in your womb, OK?
Excuse me.
Two Diet Pepsis, please.
Really smooth, Felicia.
- What?
- Well, it's...
OK, so now, you remember.
Guys are just like dogs.
But instead of doing tricks
for biscuits, they do tricks
for, uh, you know, the ladies.
I know what I'm doing.
Hey.
Well... Hello.
Do we know each other?
It's just that you look so familiar.
Oh, well, yeah, I used to get Demi Moore
and Catherine Zeta a lot, but that was
when my hair was darker.
Oh, I got it.
It's my aunt.
You look just like my Aunt Cathy.
Oh, my... That's chill.
What did you say?
I'm chill?
No, you chill.
Oh, hey, it's OK.
You know, I'm down.
You're not that down...
Trust me.
What's going on here?
Nothing.
We're... bitchin'.
I am not bitching.
You're bitching, you bitch!
She doesn't know the lingo, all right?
No, I'm not familiar with
the current vernacular.
Oh, my God!
I love Vernacular.
I just saw them live.
Here. Take this.
Oh, thank you.
This is mine.
Here.
Cheers.
Oh, the water feels so...
so cleansing, so sensuous.
Oh, yeah.
This is helping.
This is better.
Are you OK?
Your eyes look a little weird.
OK... OK.
I'm great.
I am great.
I am beyond great.
I am...
Oh, oh.
I am so...
So, um...
I am so, so, so, so...
Oh, shit.
Vivian, I think I'm...
I'm starting to freak out a little bit.
I'm...
Wait, wait.
- Did you take something?
- No...
Well, maybe just a little...
Ecstasy.
Please don't tell Michael.
Please, please.
He'll judge me.
He's so self-righteous.
He's so, my son.
I won't tell him.
God, it's hot in here.
I think I'm overheating, Viv.
I think if I...
Maybe if I just lay down.
No, no, no.
Felicia, no.
Not here, not here.
Just hold on a second, OK?
It's all right.
OK, just relax...
You can lay down right over here.
Yes.
You've just got to ride it out.
- OK.
- Be careful.
I'm good.
Oh, it's so hot.
Are you OK?
Yeah...
Oh...
Oh, this is good.
It's so...
It's so cold.
Ahh.
See? You're fine.
Oh, I'm not.
I'm not fine.
I'm the opposite of fine.
Just relax.
No, I can't.
I can't relax!
Relaxation makes me anxious.
Oh, God.
This is why I don't take baths.
You're sitting there waiting
for something to happen.
Just inhale, exhale.
Inhale and exhale.
Sometimes breathing is
just so fucking depressing.
Are you saying you want to kill yourself?
Oh, Viv, I'm a narcissist, sweetie.
We don't kill ourselves.
We just assassinate the character
of all the people around us.
Good.
I mean, 'cause that would be
sad, you know, if you died.
Can I ask you something?
Yeah.
Do you think I'm...
If you were a man my age, would you...
Felicia, you're hot.
Really?
Yeah.
Thanks.
Maybe it's just me, you know?
It's not his fault.
Percy, I mean.
I guess it's kind of nice
sometimes, you know.
What's nice?
Just knowing that he's gonna
be there when I get home.
Waiting.
No matter what, no matter when,
he'll be there.
So then what's the problem?
Uh, it's just that he
doesn't look at me anymore.
No one does.
I'm not the entree anymore, Viv.
I'm the... garnish.
I'm the parsley.
I'm hungry.
Let's go.
- Ow.
- What?
It couldn't be kicking already, right?
No, no, honey.
That's just gas.
You know they say that being
pregnant is really beautiful,
but it's really kind of gross.
Oh, it's so gross.
It doesn't get any better.
But it's worth it most days.
Don't worry.
I'm not so sure.
And you never will be.
I, I, I really think I need
to dance, right now.
Because if I don't dance
right now, I will die.
Let's dance.
HERE WE GO NOW...
WE GETTING CRAZY RIGHT NOW
IT'S BANANAS
IT'S RIDICULOUS
IT'S CRAZY
LET'S DANCE
ALL YOU HAVE TO DO
IS PUT YOUR HANDS
IN THE AIR
EVERYBODY COME
AND DANCE OVER HERE
FORCES YOU GONNA DEAL WITH,
WE THE NICEST
WHO EVER SAW A FLOW
SO RIGHTEOUS
SO I MIGHT JUS GET A LITTLE SPICY
A LITTLE ICY,
CHILLIN' IN MY WHITE T
GOT THE WHOLE WORLD
HOLLERING, SWALLOWING...
Knock, knock.
Robin, what are you doing?
What?
I don't even shower naked.
Oh, we're all adults here.
Fucking my husband.
I mean, are we not?
Are we not?
- Robin.
- I made you eggs.
I can't eat them, obviously.
But I, I made them for you.
- All right, thank you.
- Yeah, thank you.
Fuck this.
I'm going running.
Ugh!
We said thank you.
She seems fine with it.
Yeah.
All right, where is she?
- What?
- Where is she?
What are you talking about?
Where the fuck is Vivian?
Calm down.
Charlie, I can't find her.
And I know that you two,
you have your little...
Well, clearly she is not here.
What the hell is he doing here?
I'm his alibi.
Are you fucking my wife?
Michael, I am clearly gay.
How am I supposed to know
these things, Charlie.
You have a living room full of pussies.
They're Adrian's.
Adrian's. Why does he
get to have so many,
and I can't just have one?
Hmm?
You know, she doesn't love me.
It'll be okay, Michael.
Is that Vivian?
Hmm?
This is not what normal looks like.
Water my plants.
Michael, no!
I need a fucking carb!
Oh.
Are you OK?
I'm fine.
Oh... I'm sorry.
Where's Charlie?
He's filling out some paperwork.
You jumped out a window?
Yeah.
But it was a second story.
So...
So, maybe it was more of a statement than...
an actual suicide attempt?
Mom, I went to grad school.
I wasn't trying to kill myself.
Then what the hell were you doing?
I just need some attention.
Oh...
Well, you know, I'm really
not happy about this.
I'm really not happy.
Nobody's happy, sweetie.
I mean, everyone's just...
They're just pretending.
Anyway...
The important thing is...
We, uh...
We...
We love you.
What?
What.
You've never said that before.
Well, maybe we should start.
You always said love is a revival
of your own narcissism.
It's a frivolous clich people use
to make them feel better about themselves.
OK, I'm gonna let you in
on a little secret, Michael.
I don't fucking know what I'm talking about.
Hey, is everything OK?
No.
What are you doing?
I'm meditating.
How's that working out for you?
I think I'm having a panic attack.
How do you know?
Your palms are sweating, and you're shaking,
and you have tunnel vision, and I...
I can't breathe.
I have that all the time.
You do?
Yeah.
Anxiety's kinda my thing.
Oh, my God, me too.
Is George home?
No, he's out...
For the day.
Oh.
Don't take it personally, Charlie.
You can't take it personally,
or else it's all gonna go to shit.
You just got to put your blinders on.
That's what I do.
Are there, I mean, others?
Not in the building.
So is this the arrangement?
You know that idea that
everyone has that one person
that's out there, that's gonna be exactly
what you've always wanted?
I don't think that's true for everyone.
Neither do I.
If you want me to stop, I will.
George and...
I just want him to be happy.
And you can give him what I can't.
How's your panic attack?
This meditation thing is fucking bullshit.
I know.
I much prefer drinking.
I'm really glad my husband's penis
introduced us.
I am, too.
Don't get any paint on the floor.
Your mom will kill us.
I paint for a living, Dad.
Yeah, well you track paint on the carpet,
she'll have an aneurysm.
Which is why God made paint remover.
Adrian, I, I, I, uh...
I need your help.
With what?
What's wrong?
Are you sick?
No.
Is Mom sick?
No, no, no.
You need to crash with me?
No. I...
I can't get, a goddamn erection.
Shit.
Yeah.
Well, you've, um, you've tried, um...
No, I've tried.
Yes, believe me, I've tried.
Well, if you want I could...
I can probably get you some stuff to help.
No.
Does that work?
I don't know.
I've never, you know.
But you can give it a shot.
You'd do that for me?
Sure, whatever.
All right, then...
Thanks.
Changing the subject...
Paint thinner.
So what are you thinking of naming the baby?
Oh, um...
Just, whatever.
Robin...
I was thinking Martha,
after Michael's grandmother.
Or Timothy, if it's a boy.
But actually, I really like Justin.
I'm sorry.
What do you think?
I, I don't really care.
I like Justin.
- Justin's nice.
- Yeah.
I like that one, yeah.
Would anyone care for a pig in a blanket?
Oh, no, none for me, thank you.
Robin's on a liquid diet.
Oh, well, appetite is part
of the libido, you know.
Starvation is an unconscious
way of avoiding sexuality.
Oh, well, that would make sense.
Sex and my husband don't go hand in hand.
Welcome to my world.
Sometimes you just need it though, right?
Yeah.
Actually, you know, um,
there are some people...
...who go celibate for years
into their marriage...
...to sublimate their libido,
to have more creative energy.
Yeah, well, my husband
fucks other men, so...
Oh.
I actually have my suspicions
that he's top, and a bottom.
He shaves his butthole.
Charlie would know,
actually, better than me.
That, that is, so oversharing.
So he's a bottom, isn't he?
Oh, my God.
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
Do me a favor.
Just shut up for once.
Mmm...
Oh, God.
You know what I feel like?
A Caprese salad.
From that place in Tribeca.
What was the name of that?
Maybe we can get a reservation
there tomorrow night.
Then MOMA, or no, better yet, The Whitney.
We need new box springs.
Actually, I think I'd like the beach.
Tom and Joan offered us
their place in Southampton for the weekend.
- Oh, God, not now.
- They said any time.
- But I hate the sun.
- So we'll bring an umbrella.
And the sand and the crowds.
And the whole mundane,
beach relaxation concept.
It's just that...
What is there to do?
Uh, spend time together.
Isn't that what we're doing now?
You know, I'm really trying here, Percy.
Seriously, I think I need a chiropractor.
Hello!
Are you in there?
Could you look at me...
Could you listen to me?
Oh, Jesus, Percy.
Who the fuck are you?
I'm lying on a table with
a rather unattractive...
...piece of cutlery stuck to
my rather unattractive ass.
Well, you're here, but
you're not really here.
You checked out a long time ago.
If I had known you were putting on a show,
I'd have bought tickets.
OK. All right...
The kids are grown.
The mortgage is paid.
And there's nothing on the calendar.
When is it our turn, huh?
I have no idea.
The whole time it's been,
wait till Michael gets out of Columbia.
Let's get Charlie through summer camp.
Let's help Adrian find a job.
Our life is finally ours again.
Why don't you want it?
What?
You don't want me anymore.
Is that it?
What did I just do?
I tried.
Yeah. That was like a chore.
You know that...
Oh, you were so fucking
close too, OK, I just...
I would like to know where, where we stand.
I mean, do you care?
Do you not care?
Do you ever stop talking?
I think I just did.
Your brother is driving me crazy.
Jesus, Vivian, you scared me.
Sorry.
I hate him.
Why?
He won't even return my phone calls.
I thought you lived with him.
No, Adrian.
I think it's Adrian's.
You had sex with Adrian?
No, he just looked at me really intensely,
and then boom, I was pregnant.
Yes, I had sex with Adrian.
You're married to Michael.
Yeah, that's true.
Well, I don't know...
Don't react. Just listen.
You're the only one I can
talk to about this anyway.
It's all going to be OK.
Don't say that.
Why?
It's probably not true.
Maybe I don't even want it to be OK.
I'm just...
God, I'm so, so messed
up over all of this...
I can't have this kid.
It's ruining my plans.
Maybe it will settle you down.
That's just it...
I don't want to settle down.
I'm exactly the opposite.
Yeah, you should be having it.
Vivian, you can't drink with the baby!
Charlie...
That's a partial myth.
No, it's not!
You'll get the baby drunk.
Hmm, lucky him.
It's a boy?
So...
You and Vivian...
What?
She told me.
It was innocent.
An innocent fling with your brother's wife?
This doesn't involve you, Charlie.
It does now.
This is messed up.
She doesn't know whether it's yours or his.
It will look the same either way.
Oh, my God.
Adrian, your dong is
gonna be the death of me.
That just sounds weird, bro.
You know what I mean.
I know I fucked up.
You know how you are with peanut brittle?
I'm like that with pussy.
I just can't turn it down.
Did you just compare
peanut brittle to vagina?
I know how much you love it.
It's game.
I'm gonna go to a seminar.
Another one?
They're helping me figure things out.
I feel like an idiot.
I should be doing this myself.
I mean, this is why we hire people.
There's something about a dad
building a crib for his kid.
That whole thing.
Michael, we're not like that.
Yeah, I guess we're not.
I'll see you later, OK?
And look, don't worry about this.
I mean, you're paying the guy, right?
It's practically the same thing.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Charlie, have you ever fucked a woman?
Excuse me?
A woman.
Even if it was anal, it still counts.
Um... No, I haven't.
Well, because, I was thinking about it.
And I was thinking that
we should all have sex.
Uh...
Are you serious?
Yes. What?
We're all adults here.
What's the big deal?
I'm gay.
That's just a title.
I mean, George isn't very...
three times a year.
What do you think?
I'm a little freaked out right now.
What?
I just...
I want to be normal.
I don't know what that is, but -
I know this isn't even close.
I can't be in a three-way
marriage with you.
Are you breaking up with us?
No. I love both of you.
This, this is just weird.
This is about your parents' divorce,
isn't it?
You didn't tell me that.
I'm sorry, I need to...
go, I'm gonna go.
Good try.
What are you doing?
I'm worshipping your cock.
I saw it on Oprah.
I'm confused.
It's because you're thinking
about it too much.
Come on.
But it isn't the third
Wednesday of the month.
Or your birthday, or my birthday.
Oh, I can't do this.
What?
I can't do this with you, George.
I've been fucking starving
for the past five years.
So eat something.
No. No, you don't get it.
You don't give me enough credit.
I am fucking starving for love.
I want a husband that fucks me and loves me,
and is my best friend.
I do love you.
You are my best friend.
What do you want me to do?
I'll do it.
Do you, do you want me to...
I'll put a strap-on.
I will.
I'll... I'll wear
those collared shirts.
I'll be more aggressive.
What do you want me to do?
I'll change.
Robin...
I don't want to be one of those people
that settles for a shitty life...
because the alternative takes too much work.
Doesn't it all come back
to friendship anyway?
I'm leaving you.
It's all about living in the moment, people.
If you live in the moment,
you will find happiness.
And happiness...
is the secret to life.
Let it go.
You could have knocked.
I did - for five minutes.
You scared me.
My bad.
What do you need?
Robin left me.
What?
She's gone.
What?
I thought everything was OK.
She needs something more, she says.
I'm sorry.
I don't know what to do.
She loves you.
I know.
She's right...
She deserves better.
I'm going.
I'm not gonna chase after you, George.
Maybe this is all karmic.
She'll be back.
I don't know if I want that, either.
I don't know what I want.
I'm like a tween girl at summer camp.
That analogy is not at all attractive.
We're all stuck.
Look on the bright side, George...
We'll all be dead before long.
Percy, have you seen my keys?
I didn't want it to be like this.
I left them somewhere in the kitchen.
I think you need to hear this.
I need to check the mail.
Can we talk for a second?
I'm expecting a check
from that patient -
the one with the bad insurance.
Will you listen to me just, just for once?
God damn it!
I think we're idiots.
But I just feel like I'm waiting, waiting...
For what?
I mean, what do we have left?
All right.
I'm here, Felicia.
I may not be the man you met.
I may not be the man you hoped for.
I may not be the man I hoped for.
But I'm here...
And I think you love me more than you admit.
So...
What do we do?
My balls may sag.
My hair may fall out.
I think I'm actually shrinking.
Every day I...
I get older.
I'm freaked out.
I'm so fucking freaked out.
Sometimes I get so...
I don't know...
lonely, you know.
So we can be lonely together.
I'm trying.
- Michael.
- What?
There are way too many vegetables in there.
I'm going to need something fried.
Like some, some fried...
fried Twizzlers.
I'm more handicapped than you, Viv.
Yours was self-inflicted.
So was yours.
There was another person
involved in creating my pain.
Right. By another person,
you do mean me, right?
You want to go there?
OK.
I have no idea.
What?
You fucked the maid.
I fucked your brother.
Whatever.
Knock, knock.
Am I interrupting something?
I actually knew that
you fucked Adrian, Vivian.
I saw the painting...
A vagina.
A little abstract.
I'm just gonna...
Yeah, well, I also found out about the maid.
Look, Michael...
Can you pay attention?
OK.
The maid was a mistake.
So was your brother.
Oh, Vivian, that is really,
really messed up.
Yeah, I agree.
I guess, I just, um, I don't know.
I was looking for attention or something.
You had mine.
I do love you, Michael.
I just don't know if I want a child.
I don't think I want to
have my brother's child.
Hey, guys, I really have to...
I think you should order your French fries
and ice cream online.
Why aren't you yelling at me?
I don't know.
Well, I wish you would.
You are a shitty wife.
Do you know that?
And I hate to say it, but it is true.
I know we talked about it before, but...
This whole deal is not
exactly what I signed up for,
you know?
I gotta pee.
Don't look at me.
God, I can't take this anymore!
I feel fat and sweaty, and leaky and gross.
What is wrong with me?
You're pregnant.
That's just it, Charlie.
I can't be a mother.
I mean, look at me.
I don't care about anything enough.
It's, it's bad.
Aren't you excited?
Yeah, for all the wrong reasons.
Like, I would like 40 cigarettes, OK,
and a shot of tequila.
Uh-oh.
Are you all right?
I think-
I think it's gonna...
Promise me one thing, OK?
If anything happens,
that you'll take care of him.
Oh, Minkel...
Yes, absolutely.
I'll help you guys any way I can.
No, I meant...
Fuck, ow!
Oh, never mind.
Just get the suitcase.
Fuck.
It's OK.
Viv.
Viv, the door is stuck again.
Get me out.
Vivian!
Vivian, the door got stuck again!
I don't even know if the doctor is here.
We've got to get this pain
killer situation worked out.
- Back off!
- All right.
No, wait! Come here!
I need, I need...
I need some pain killers.
What can I have at this stage?
The contractions are starting...
She's a little uncomfortable.
Do you have anything...
Oh! Oh, give me something!
Oh, that hurts.
I love smoking pot in the morning.
I love taking body shots off of strangers.
I can't love this baby yet.
I won't love it.
No, you don't know that.
I know you'd love it enough for both of us.
Me?
Michael wants the baby, Viv.
I don't even know if it's his.
I can't take care of a baby.
You're the most put together person I know.
That is super sad.
I'm a mother that's not a mother.
That's sad.
Ah!
All right, let's have you push, OK?
Go ahead. Push.
All right, doing good.
Let's have one more on three.
One... two... three...
OK... Go.
You did it.
Hold it.
No!
You did it.
Aw, hey.
Yeah.
How did that happen?
Some guy she met on the missed connections
section of Craigslist.
Oh, I love that section.
I go there all the time.
You do?
Oh, not for sex...
I just, I just go there to see
if anybody will notice me.
Wow, that is so sad.
And so me.
You left him.
I did.
Are you having a panic attack?
No.
Do you want a Zanex?
No. No...
This is good.
I'm good.
I ate an entire box of pizza.
I feel liberated.
How's the baby?
He's good.
He's cute...
New...
Asian.
How's your brother?
Oh, my God, Michael!
Michael!
Charlie, I'm in the bathroom.
Are you OK?
You gotta pull up on
the door and then open it.
Where did you go?
Well...
We had to go to the hospital.
Is everything all right?
Yeah.
You OK?
Hi.
WITH THE RISE OF THE SUN
THERE'S A PLACE
LOST IN TIME
I HAVE SEEN
ITS SWEET SHORES...
Would you love me
if I had a giant hand, gigantism of my hand?
Would you love me if
I had a creepy doll collection?
Would you love me if
I tattooed a face on my face?
Would you love me if
I suddenly became a wiccan?
Would you love me if I liked The Care Bears?
I love The Care Bears.
Would you love me if I loved The Care Bears.
Well, I love you, so.
This cake is so good.
LETTING GO
YOUR LITTLE WHITE LIES
TO THE SKY
AND THIS PLACE I HAVE SEEN
IN THE DEPTHS
OF THE NIGHT...
I CAN SWIM BY THE RISE
I CAN SWIM BY THE RISE
OF THE SUN...
He's so good.
Oh, God, I've missed this so much.
Stop looking at me.
OK.
You know, these paintings
are really quite lovely.
I don't know...
They're devoid of technique,
derivative, and silly.
In 25 years, have you ever
agreed with me on anything?
God, no.
Don't start.
TAKE ME TO A MOUNTAIN TOP
WHERE THERE IS NO
TALK OF ROMANCE
BECAUSE ALL THIS TALK OF ROMANCE
MAKES ME GROW
SO OLD, SO FAS TAKE ME TO A MOUNTAIN SIDE
WHERE BIRDS FLY HIGH ABOVE ME
I DON'T NEED NO ONE TO LOVE ME
JUST A MOUNTAINSIDE...
LIGHT COMES
SO FAST AND SWEE WE COME CLOSER
THAN SHOULD BE
BUT YOU WILL NEVER TELL ME
THAT YOU'VE MADE UP YOUR MIND...
TAKE ME INTO OUTER SPACE...
IN LOVE
IS A SAD AND FLEETING STATE
AND IT'S JUST SO DUMB SOMETIMES
TOOK ME A TO A ROOFTOP
WHERE THE SUN
SHINES SO HOT ON ME
I DON'T NEED NO ONE
TO WRONG ME
JUST TO LIE BESIDE...
AND I CAN LIVE WITHOUT YOUR TOUCH
BESIDES
I UNDERSTAND TOO MUCH
THAT LIFE IS LIKE
AND SUCH AND SUCH
BUT I'M SO TIRED...