Ripped (2017) Movie Script
Mm.
Mm-mm-mm.
Dude, this is good chili.
What's in this?
Can't tell you.
Mom's secret recipe.
Oh yeah?
Yo man, how many of these
seeds you think we've
thrown over here over the
past couple of years?
Huh?
What, a quadrillion?
Is that a real number?
I don't know if it's a
real number and a fake
word, or a fake word
and a real number.
It's like, how come
the weed won't grow?
Man, we found the only
spot in the northwest
where weed won't grow.
It's not good.
Come on dude, let's go.
We're gonna be late
picking up Debbie.
-Let's do this.
-Let's do it!
Come on.
Come on man!
Hey!
Hold up! Wait up, wait up. I
forgot my bike, hold on.
Hi, Mr. Sanchez.
I'm Harris,
Debbie's boyfriend.
We're here to take Debbie to
the raising hell concert.
Is she ready?
What up dude?
I mean sir dude.
You've got to
be kidding me.
I know, women right?
Never ready on time.
No, we'll wait.
Hey, by any chance you
got any munchy snacks?
I know you got 'em.
Don't you hold out on me!
Mm!
Mmm!
So Debbie tells
me you're not planning on
going to college.
No sir.
We don't need college.
Reeves and I are going to
start our own business and
live off the grid.
That's right.
Off the what?
Oh, well, you know.
Not get caught up in the
whole corporate rat race.
Corporations kill
the working man.
- I got this.
- -Yeah, I.
It's a really cool idea.
-Are you ready?
-Mhm.
Reeves and I drive around
the country selling coffee
on street corners.
Wow!
-Right?
-Right?
Yo, dude, okay.
And then sometimes we'll
just set up right in the
middle of the street if
-there ain't no corners!
-Yeah!
-You know what I mean?
-Absolutely.
Where the corner at?
You want a whip it?
Mm.
Whip it?
I was wrong
about you boys.
I want to apologize.
Oh, no need.
And this idea of yours
is one surefire plan for
success.
-Yes, baby, yes!
-Mhmm!
This should be enough to
intoxicate my daughter,
don't you think?
Sir, we're, we're not
going to need that.
Oh yeah, sir,
no, we're fine.
We already have
vodka in our Van.
Oh.
-So you have a Van.
-Yeah!
I assume you must have a
mattress in the back
of the Van as well.
-No, no!
-Ha ha, not yet, not yet!
There's nothing like
fornicating in the back of
a Van, huh?
Am I right?
Well sir we're not into
the whole fucking animals
thing.
Hey, how are you
guys on condoms?
You know, on second
thought, it'll probably be
a lot more fun
to violate my daughter
without protection.
And you can join
in too, gordito!
You're not going to
let her go, are you?
-Why not?
-Because I don't like you boys.
Okay?
You're stoners, this
concert is way too far
away, and Debbie
is a minor.
Alright, so
that's one reason.
And let me add
something else, okay?
In all my years, I have
never heard of such a
stupid idea
for a business.
Selling cups of coffee?
That's as dumb as trying
to sell bottles of water!
Alright, alright.
Alright.
I see what's going on.
So, sir.
What if I promise
not to fuck her?
-Wh-relax! We're negotiating.
-Sir.
Shh!
Can I just talk
to Debbie, please?
No.
Okay.
So uh, can I go upstairs
and talk to Debbie?
What part of "no" is
confusing to you boys?
I don't know about him,
but to me, between the "k"
and the "w" being silent,
i-it's just never made any
sense to me.
You don't need this
because I'm sure you have
plenty of weed
in your Van.
Pssh, no!
I wish we had...
Yo, first off, I wish we
had plenty of weed in the
back of our Van, okay?
We're actually about to go
pick up some weed from one
of my homies that we know
on the way there because
we running a little low,
so you don't really know
everything silent-k
silent-w about everything
that me and him have going on.
So y-yeah.
I want you boys
out of my house.
Vamanos! Sal afuera!
Out!
Man, I think Debbie
ratted us out.
How did he know
we were stoners?
What the!
Debbie!
Oh.
I guess Tommy gave
us the wrong address.
Um...
Do you know
where Joe lives?
I'm Joe.
You're here for herb?
You're the dealer?
I mean, you look like you
could be selling avon.
I sell that too.
Lip gloss or weed?
Make up your mind.
Weed.
Wow, she really
does sell avon.
Northwest division
salesperson of the year.
What are the odds...
-Oh my god!
-Oh my, what the...
I think you guys are cops.
What?
Yo, look w-we just
changed our minds, right?
Didn't we change our mind?
We came her for
some lip gloss.
Lip gloss. You got some...
What's Tommy's
middle name?
W-we don't know!
I swear, I swear!
Uh!
I don't either.
I'm just fucking with you.
-Ha ha...
-That's...
That's funny.
Take off your clothes.
--What?
Take off your clothes...
Take off your clothes.
Do you want the
weed or not?
Yeah, but why would we
need to take off our clothes?
Do I need to get my
strap-on so we can do a
few dance numbers first?
No, no!
No strap-on at all.
But, this, but
you're funny though.
Strip, ladies.
Strip, bitches.
Um, well, you know,
probably just to like make sure
we're not wired
or something?
No, man! No! No! No!
I saw this!
I saw this in my mind!
I saw this happening!
Really? You saw this coming?
The dealer was going to
turn out to be an avon
lady who would put a gun
to our head and threaten
to fuck us with a
strap-on phallus.
Yeah? Yeah?
That was your vision?
Yes!
I saw that, alright!
I knew that was going to
happen, but I didn't know
what the word "phallus"
meant until like...
Right now.
See?
We're not wired.
I wasn't worried
about that.
I just wanted to
see you naked.
That reminds me, i
need to buy cashews.
Hey...
Price is 200.
Dollars?
No, pesos.
This shit was grown in
area 51 where they keep
the aliens.
You ever heard of g-13?
No way.
No way!
Are you telling me
that's that, that's that
super-secret CIA weed?
This is g-14.
Oh, what?
Most of the CIA can't even
get their hands on this
shit yet.
Well how'd you get it?
Fucked a guy
who knows a guy.
That's all I'm gonna say.
Yo, those are the kind of
stories you can't make up
even if you try.
I really think she fucked
a guy who knows a guy.
Yeah, I know.
When people
say shit like that,
they're telling the truth.
I think she fucked a dude
that maybe just know a dude.
You don't have $200!
Um...
But.. $200.
T-that's a lot.
Tell you what.
You go down on me, I'll
take off 10 percent.
Ha!
That's, uh, that's funny.
That's really good.
You make me squirt,
I'll take off 20.
Squirt what?
Dude, I can't
believe we actually.
Mm. Mm.
I thought we agreed we
weren't even going to talk
about it.
Dude, are you sure
this is a shortcut?
I mean, I have not seen
any lights for a while now.
I think we should
turn around.
Here?
No, after another 30
minutes of darkness.
You said here!
-Fuck!
-Agh!
-This is shit!
-Aw, dude...
We're stuck in a hole, man.
Well I'm not
licking this one.
Twice in one day?
Euh.
Yeah, looks like we might
have to spend the night
here tonight.
Fuck!
We're gonna miss
the concert!
Oh my goodness!
Pledge.
Dude, do you, do you,
like, hear that?
What?
Dude, I could,
like, hear my ears
listening to things.
What?
Huh.
You mean to tell me that
you can hear your
your ears operating?
Yeah bro.
Yo, this CIA shit
is crazy strong, man, yo!
Like, I feel
like I gotta piss but
I don't even know.
Yo, fuck, I'm high.
Dude.
Dude, my hand...
My hand looks
like a tarantula.
I don't even feel
my hands anymore.
I'm hungry, bro.
I wish I had some of your
chili right now with a, a
bowl of cheese a-and
a slice of ice cream.
-Mm.
-Switch
you know what i
wish right now?
Hm?
I wish these fingers were
just little kit-Kat bars.
Then...
I could just...
Break one off.
Break you off a piece,
and
mm!
They're so good!
You alright bro?
Oh my god!
Feels like my whole
face is in my mouth!
Oh!
Why are my balls
vibrating?
I can't feel my cock.
Oh my god.
What?
My cock is gone!
Fuck!
She stole your cock.
-Someone stole your cock!
-Someone stole my cock!
Cock thief! Cock thief!
Stole it right
underneath me!
Gimme your cock!
Yo, I slept like a baby.
Ugh, me too.
That weed knocked
me the fuck out.
Mm.
You look older than
a motherfucker.
Holy shit, you
look old as fuck!
Hee!
This must have some
hallucinogenic shit in it.
That's fuckin' cool.
We must be
halla-ducinatin' now.
Oh yeah.
Man, I feel like we've
been walking for days.
Ahh, I'm fuckin' hot.
This is the worst
hallucination ever.
The fuck...
A fuckin' space ship.
We're not hallucinating.
We're still dreaming.
How do you know this is
your dream and not mine?
Because I always
dream of spaceships.
Let's keep walking.
Welcome.
What the fuck was that?
It's a talking door?
What's happening?
Hello, door.
How are you?
Nice to meet you.
Why's everybody on
their calculator?
We walked all this way for
a fuckin' math convention!
I hate math.
And I gotta take a shit.
2016?
What the fuck?
Thank you.
Have a nice day.
What the fuck?
What the fuck is that?
I'm at the gas station.
Oh
sweetheart, I miss you so
much, I can't wait to
see you my little boo.
I'll be here for
a couple hours.
Who the fuck is that?
The fuck?
Welcome.
Yo!
Check this out.
Government approves...
No, not that. Look at the date.
June 12, 2016.
It's one of those
fake news papers.
Uh-uh. This shit is real.
I went outside and saw a
dude with his car plugged in.
The price of gas is $5 a
gallon, and I seen a girl
with a thing in her hand
that she was talking to a
dude, and he was there,
like a video call.
But did you see this?
That's fucked up.
Check this out though.
That's proof that
this is a fake.
If you go by this
newspaper here, this guy
is black, right?
And his name is o-bam-a?
Barack Obama, and
he's the President of the
United States.
Exactly.
Excuse me sir.
What's the date?
June the 12th, man.
What year?
2016!
Hey, get off me
man, get off me!
Right, right, right right,
I'm gonna let, yeah right.
Who's the president?
Barack Obama.
What he look like?
He's black!
That weed we smoked
knocked us out for
30 years!
We need to get a tow
truck, get your Van out
the ditch, and get
the fuck on home.
Let's go.
This damn CIA.
First Vietnam, then
Reagan gets shot.
Ever heard of
a turn signal?
It's nobody's fuckin'
business where we're going.
Well, your parents definitely
don't live here anymore.
They really mean it when they
say you can't go home again.
So...
Our old school is
a home depot now.
-Mm.
-Your old house is a vacant lot.
And mine's a
fucking soul mart?
There's nothing left
from our fucking life!
And what the fuck
is "glutton free?"
I dunno but the
gluttons eat free.
We should act like some
gluttons and go eat.
I'm starving, man.
Nah, let's go by
Debbie's parents' house.
Maybe they still
live there.
And they'll feed us.
Hello?
Uh, hi Mrs. Sanchez?
Yes?
This is Harris.
Harris weber.
Who?
Uh, Debbie's boyfriend?
Her...
Old boyfriend, I guess?
Harris has been
dead for 30 years.
This isn't funny.
They really gonna
think this is funny.
Go away!
Leave!
I...
I know this probably
sounds crazy but...
Hi, Mrs. Sanchez.
It's uh...
I know this is probably
really weird for you right
now but...
Probably didn't
expect to see us after all
these years.
Yeah.
This can't be...
Debbie?
Where the hell
have you been!
Ow.
Agh...
You guys want me to
believe that you bought
some super pot from a
woman named Joe who was
screwing a CIA guy who was
growing pot in area 51
"where they keep the
aliens," on your way to a
concert that you never got
to because your Van fell
into a ditch where you
slept for 30 years, and
all of the sudden you woke
up one day and here you are.
Crazy shit, right?
Were you in prison?
You were in prison,
weren't you.
-Like in Bolivia or something.
-If only.
Hey, up here.
What happened to you guys?
What really happened
to you guys?
That is what
really happened.
Mhmm.
Do you have any idea how
serious your disappearance was?
There were news reports, there
were missing persons reports.
Your parents hired
private detectives.
We had no idea where
you disappeared to.
Eventually, we just
thought you were dead.
Your parents held
funerals for you.
For closure.
-We had funerals?
-Yeah.
You're buried at the
cemetery on Madison street.
Was it a nice service?
Nice funeral.
Did people show up?
A few.
Was it sad?
Guys, is this
supposed to be funny?
Because it's not.
Look, we don't understand what
happened either, but we're
telling you what happened.
That doesn't mean
it's believable.
It just means that's
what the fuck happened.
I can't believe you
still live with your parents.
-It's my house now.
-No shit?
-That's right.
-Wow.
Hey, do you know where
my parents moved to?
Because I can't find them.
Wow.
You don't know, do you?
Your parents died
like ten years ago.
What the fuck?
That's a bummer bro.
What about my parents?
Yours moved away.
Um, we have no idea
where they moved.
We never saw them again.
They, they moved to
the mountains.
My eyes are here, Reeves.
My father loved mountains.
I see what you're saying.
There's some good
peaks out there.
This is crazy.
I don't know what
to say, I'm...
I'm a little freaked out.
I'm just...
Look, I know this is a
little crazy, us just
showing up after
all these years.
Yeah.
Why don't we meet up again
tomorrow, to the mall or
something, maybe
go to the arcade.
Yeah, the arcade!
Okay.
So, what time you
want to hang out?
Oh, I don't hang
out. I go to work.
-So after work?
-Ditch!
Ditch!
After work?
Uh, sure.
Okay, so like two?
No, hon. This
is not school, it's work.
I'm like, seven, eight.
Okay, well we've got to,
at least, eight at the
latest, 'cause the food
court will close at nine.
Oh, Deb.
Hey wooly!
Oh my...
You guys slept in here?
Good morning.
Wow.
I can't believe you
still have this thing.
Look at you, all
businesswoman-like.
Like a professional.
You look great.
Thanks.
Um, the house is locked,
but if you want to clean
up, you can use the
rinse-off shower on the side.
Good, thank you. We need that.
Debbie, I was in your back
yard last night, and I was
wondering, where'd you get this
really cool stormtrooper boot?
Man what the hell is that?
It's a stormtrooper boot.
Who stuck wheels
in an ice skate?
W-when were you
in my back yard?
I had to take a shit last
night and I didn't want
your neighbors all
in my business.
That's very
considerate of you.
That is a Rollerblade and
it belongs to my son.
We have a son?
No, no we, you, we don't
have a son.
No.
Wait...
How old is he?
He's fifteen.
He was at his
dad's last night.
Wait, you fucked
somebody else?
Yeah, I did.
Debbie's fuckin'!
I-i did.
And when am i
gonna meet him?
Uh, let's hold off
on that for now.
Why, is he ugly?
We're not going to laugh.
Oh my god, is he a retard?
Okay, it's because of
comments like that that we
are gonna hold off.
And it's because
of all of this!
I mean, you know, I don't
want people in his life
that are not going to
be a good role model.
Good role model?
We're not good
role models?
I'm sorry, I didn't
mean it like that.
-Hmm.
-Oh, hmm.
-Hmm!
-Well, maybe I did.
It's just...
You show up after
all these years.
Y-you're looking homeless,
you smell like I can't
even describe, and you're
sleeping in a Van.
Oh, but we got our
phat gold chains.
Shell toes.
We good.
Brad's at a very
impressionable age right now.
You named him Brad?
Anything that I'm saying
is just sounding terrible
and rude and I'm sorry.
I'm going to go
to work right now.
I'm going to go, okay?
I'm going to go.
Might be time for you guys
to start seeing other people.
Apparently she's been
seeing other people.
Guess what I'm seeing.
I thought you
finished all the weed.
I did.
But I found this on
Debbie's back porch.
Okay, now that we look
less homeless, what do we do?
Well, we're gonna stop telling
people what really happened.
Truck stop guy, tow
truck dude, Debbie...
They all said we
sounded crazy.
Shit, I was there and
i don't believe it.
Here's what we do.
We drop the story, we
accept our situation, and
we go back to what
we were going to do.
You mean start
our business?
Sell coffee out of my Van?
Yeah.
Think about it, with
inflation, we could be
like making two
bucks a cup.
For coffee?
You sound crazy
as shit right now.
We'll call it two
buck a cuppa coffee.
You guys here
to fix the satellite?
The fuck's a satellite?
What are we,
fuckin' astronauts?
What do you mean
"satellite?"
Who the fuck are you?
My name's Brad.
I fuckin' live here.
We're friends of Debbie's.
Uh, Debbie? You mean my mother?
Oh shit!
That's Debbie's kid.
Debbie's been fuckin'!
That's her receipt!
Uh, yeah, listen, my mom's
friends don't smoke, so...
You don't know
your mom's friends.
That's my fuckin'
bag of joints, man!
What the fuck?
Fuck man you
smoking my weed man?
Jesus, guys you
smoked half my stash.
Oh relax, we'll
buy you more.
Call your dealer.
My dealer?
When's the last time
you bought weed?
Where do you get it from?
You just buy it.
You just walk into
7-11 and go buy weed?
Yeah, can me get some
chips, some soda, oh, and
some weed please?
Wait, you guys know
weed's legal now, right?
Wait, what?
I don't know why we need
this doctor to get pot
from a store.
Well, if you have a
prescription, they give
a discount, so...
Ahh.
That's a good deal.
Part of the discount.
It is my birthday.
Happy birthday.
See, yeah. I
told you I'd hook you up.
Hello nurse!
I am not the nurse.
I am Dr. gales.
Well with a body like
that, you ought to be a nurse.
Um, you don't have to
take your shirt off...
Well, I've taken my shirt
off for uglier girls,
so it's not a problem.
Um, I assume that you're having
trouble sleeping at night?
No, I sleep all
through the night.
You look like you're in
a lot of chronic pain.
No, but I do have an itch
you can scr-
-atch.
Mr. Cornell.
Reeves.
I can't write you a
prescription for medical
marijuana unless there's
an actual need, do you
understand?
Right.
Mm.
Do you like Italian?
You're under a lot of
pressure aren't you?
Right.
And you need something
to help calm you down.
Right!
Back hurts?
-Right!
-Can't sleep at night?
-Yeah!
-Constant migraines?
Yes, listen.
You take your shirt off,
I'm going to take my shirt
off, and we gonna
start fuckin'.
I am not a prostitute.
I didn't call
you a prostitute.
Okay.
Let's just say you gave
me a little medical
rubba-dub-dub.
You know like a medical
rub in a medical way?
Non-prostitute, but just
medically induced rub.
-Just a, you know...
-In a non-prostitute way?
In a non-prostitute
way. Just a...
-Oh? Oh?
-Yes.
Okay.
-Why didn't you say so?
-I was trying to...
Stand up.
Ooh.
Somebody's gonna be...
-Alright...
-Turn around.
Turn around!
Oh, no, and then stop.
-Oh.
-Like right there.
Right there.
-And uh...
-Like this?
Why don't you, uh,
drop your pants, huh?
Oh, the old reach around.
-Dropping the...
-Pants...
Can you back that up?
Mhmm, just gotta
help you out there.
Bend over.
Kind of rough
there, aren't you?
Welcome to home de-pot.
How can I help
medicate you.
We'll take it all.
You can't have it all.
What type of cannabis
are you looking for?
Cannabis?
Fuck that, we want weed!
At a discount...
Oh baby.
Roll-a-bowls.
They are indestructible,
they are foldable, they
are portable.
Dishwasher safe.
Yeah?
-Just, we'll put that in there.
-Mhmm.
Got dick's elixirs
over there.
All different flavors.
Do these all have
weed in them?
Duh.
I think we're gonna
need a bigger basket.
It's about time
you guys showed up.
What are you drinking?
Oh, it's a mocha
vanilla latte.
-What?
-What's that?
It's coffee.
That's a coffee?
Where'd you get it?
From Starbucks. Hello?
Those Starbuck places
i see on every corner?
They just sell coffee?
Yeah.
Debbie's
dad stole our idea!
What the fuck are you
guys talking about?
God damn coffee thief!
I never trusted
her father.
I mean, I only known him
for two minutes, but them
two minutes, i
never trusted him.
I can't believe he stole
our business plan!
Took us fucking years to
come up with that shit!
"Like a son?"
What the fuck you
mean "like a son?"
I was your son!
This is so strange.
I know.
I never thought I'd
live to see the day!
Hey!
It's bad to smoke
cigarettes.
You scared the
shit out of us.
It's not a cigarette.
It's a joint.
Marijuana.
Ganja, you know mon.
It's still smoking!
Well, it's our business,
and those are our
tombstones.
What are you, the
cemetery police?
Okay, get the fuck out of here.
We're grown.
And we're grieving.
What are you guys, ghosts?
Look here, I don't know if
you're some kind of
ghost whisperer.
I don't know why
you here, but...
We're here smoking weed,
minding our business.
If you're ghosts, how
'come I can't see through you?
Well, there's a simple
explanation for that.
Um, basically it's
because I'm black!
Now bounce, bitch!
Yo, I could really go for
a bowl of your chili right now.
Oh, yeah that
would be nice.
Yo, I got an idea!
What?
What's the one thing
people want when we're high.
I dunno, but I'm hungry
as a motherfucker.
Exactly!
We'll open up a restaurant
that sells your chili with
weed in it!
That's actually brilliant!
Then when they get the
munchies, they're already there.
And then they eat more, and
then they have more
munchies, and
they keep eating.
They don't have
to go nowhere.
And even if they don't eat
that much, what do people
do when they're high?
They're messy,
they spill shit.
They'll spill the chili
and they'll have to buy
some more.
We'll be millionaires.
You just came
up with that?
Yeah.
No shit?
I mean you're some kind
of idea entrepreneur if
there's a word.
I'm an idealist.
Where are we gonna get
the money to open up a
restaurant, man?
The bank!
We'll go get a
loan from the bank!
No.
Why not?
There are no other chili
restaurants in town.
Are there?
It's the marijuana aspect.
Sir, weed is legal.
Yes, marijuana is
legal mister...
Weber, but that doesn't
mean a bank endorses it.
This bank is a
conservative organization.
Well I'm pretty sure there
are plenty of banks that will.
Nope.
-Weed?
-No.
Leave.
-I got an idea.
-Mhmm?
Let's leave out
the weed this time.
That's lying.
That's business.
I don't know.
You know they're
eventually going to find out.
Yeah, by the time they
find out we'll be paying
back the loan, and that's
all they really want.
I guess.
Look, you know those
restaurants that sell
paintings?
You think they got a loan
for an art gallery and a
restaurant?
No, they added that later.
That's true.
-But still...
-Yeah, that is true!
But still nothing!
This is the last bank.
Do you want this
loan or not?
Alright.
Let me fix you up.
Ba-bip-bam.
Passed you a wave, fool.
-Badow!
-Oh shit, let's go.
The restaurant
will serve chili?
That's it?
That's it.
Just chili.
Such a simple idea.
It could actually work.
Uh, looks like you guys
have really good credit, too.
Not one negative
thing pops up.
Why do you seem
annoyed by this?
Approving a loan means i
have a lot of paperwork in
front of me.
So, we got the loan?
Well, it's not
a slam dunk yet.
The application process
takes a few days and
you'll have to give a
short presentation to the
loan board.
But it looks good?
Unfortunately.
Guess I'll have to start
looking for my pen.
I gotcha!
Badass, right?
What the fuck is that?
Edm, man!
Electronic dance music!
Like skrillex, d-
are you kidding me?
Steve aoki? David guetta?
Dude, get up, get
up, get up, here.
I'll pull some of
this up on YouTube, c'mon.
Watch that.
-Yeah, what is he doing?
-He's killing it!
Doing what?
Slaying it!
Is he leading an
aerobics class?
Yeah, he's loving it up
there, he's like, woo!
But who's
playing the music?
What do you mean? He's djing.
He's uh, playing
the records.
The song just changed.
Uh huh.
And his arms are in the
air. Is he djing with his dick?
Because that, to me,
would be impressive.
Yeah, that would be impressive.
He's a dick jockey.
Can I show you
how to dj please?
Yeah, show him
how to do it.
You keeping it
in your pants?
Yeah, I'm definitely
keeping it in my pants.
What am I, a priest?
Okay.
Uh, where's your turntables?
Go for it.
What the fuck is that?
The, yeah, like
turntables.
Like you scratch
them and shit.
No, where do you
put your records?
You, they're in
the computer.
You put all your records
in the computer?
No, well, I mean
the music is, yeah.
And then, I'm confused.
You just, yeah.
There, like,
that's the music.
It's all there. It's...
-And then, this..
-Yeah, you search it, you find
-whatever you want.
-Mhmm.
There it is, and play.
-Play it here.
-Yeah.
And then...
Oop!
Alright, alright!
Here, put this shit on.
This is awesome!
This is djing!
Hey!
-H-hey!
-Hey, what's going on here?
Hi.
I see you guys, uh, you
guys met each other.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You never told me you had
such cool friends, mom.
Yeah. They're cool.
They're really cool.
Just teaching
him how to dj.
Uh huh, yeah.
He's good, he's
really good.
That's great,
that's... that's great.
I didn't think that
you'd meet them so soon.
I thought they'd
be gone by now.
Are you taking off?
Uh, yeah.
Uh, I don't know.
Hey honey, I want to talk
to them real quick, okay?
Can you go to your room?
It's old people talk.
It's, it's really boring.
Yeah, yeah! Of course.
Nice kid.
These guys are
really cool, mom.
They're super cool, yeah. Yeah.
Hi!
Ta-daa!
Hey!
What was the one
thing I told you guys?
You said a lot
of fucking shit. I mean...
I said I didn't want
you to meet my son.
Get it? Remember that?
You guys are
pissing me off here.
It's better to be pissed
off than pissed on.
You're pissed?
Your dad stole our idea!
What?
Starbucks!
That's his
company, isn't it?
What?
My dad has nothing
to do with Starbucks.
Listen, you're not the
guilty party in this.
You don't have
to protect him.
Yeah, he has
nothing to do with s...
I beg to differ.
I'd like to say
something to that.
No, no, no, that's okay.
Well, I'm just
going to leave.
Um, you know that ham
sandwich in the refrigerator?
Is that anybody's
in particular?
Never mind.
So, Reeves and I are going
to open a restaurant.
Really?
Hey, good luck with that.
But, however, uh, due to
bad planning, uh, with the
money, uh, as you can see
we bought new clothes,
hence why I look like
Charlie brown, we have no
money for a motel and we
can't keep sleeping in the Van.
And Brad happened to tell
us about this great guest
house you have out back.
Yeah, no. No, no.
You're not going to
sleep in my guest house.
No, no,l-just
listen, listen. Listen.
Let me finish.
In exchange for letting us
stay, we'll make dinner
for you and Brad
every night.
No.
It's only going to be for
like a week or two and I
understand the whole thing
about role models, but
look, we no longer
look homeless.
That's a good start, right?
We'll be very respectful,
promise not to stay out
late, we won't curse.
Hold on. Fuckity fuck fuck fuck.
I just had to
get that out.
No drugs.
I won't stay out late.
Did I mention that?
I may have mentioned it
twice but that's because
I'm not going to do it.
Did I tell you how pretty
your hair looks with the
gray in it?
And I'm not just saying
that to make you feel good
about yourself.
It's very becoming.
Come on, help out
an old friend.
An old boyfriend?
A recent orphan?
That's right.
I'm sorry.
We have history.
I've been inside your...
Yeah, I'll be right
here if you need me.
Yeah, okay, no... boundaries!
I...
Okay, look at me.
My son is the most
important thing in my
life, and I'm going to
hold you to your promises.
I promise.
Pinky promise?
Please pinky
promise with me.
Is that your pinky?
I want a promise.
Please somebody help me.
You can stay.
Thank you.
Do you remember when we
used to hold pinkies?
What?
-No, we never did this.
-W-we did this.
No, that's your
other girlfriend.
W-we did some other
stuff, but uh.
That didn't invoke...
I'll see ya later.
So why you tell her we
don't do drugs anymore.
'Cause we don't do drugs.
We smoke weed.
Weed's not a drug.
Weed grows from the earth.
This is the earth
we're smoking.
We're giving back
to mother nature.
Hello mom, welcome
to my mouth.
Besides, we can
still smoke.
We just can't
do it indoors.
Gotta crack a
window or some shit.
Can't let Debbie find out.
Oh, and I told her we'd be
cooking for her and the
kid every night.
Fuck you did.
Tonight's your night.
I'll cook tomorrow.
Where you going?
She gonna show me
the old neighborhood.
Why can't I go?
'Cause you're cooking.
Wait a minute, you're
fuckin' her so you should cook.
Well, if I was fuckin' her
that'd be a great deal,
but I don't think she
likes me like that anymore.
What ch...
So so you say you're the
cook and I'll go fuck her.
You know what?
That sounds like
a great plan.
I'll see you
when we get back.
Bye, fucker.
Oh, no.
Oh, yeah, that's my shit.
Lisa Lisa.
I can't believe how many
times you made me listen
to can
you feel the beat!
Can you
feel, can you feel,
ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca.
-Oh yeah.
-Oh man.
I'm gonna make you
feel that beat.
Oh dear.
Thank god Brad missed
this time in history.
Y'know speaking of
history, what happened to
Brad's, um, father?
Oh wow, that was smooth.
Didn't work out,
short story.
Obviously it
didn't work out.
What's the story story?
How'd you meet him?
What's his name?
Who is this guy?
His name's David, I met
him 14 years after you
vanished from my life...
I mean, I'm 16 years old,
the love of my life drives
away, I never
see him again.
You know, talk about
abandonment issues.
You really screwed
me up, you know?
If I knew you were dead or
that you were kidnapped it
would make sense, but
there's always that
possibility that you...
You hated everything in
your life and you just
wanted to run away.
You run away from me.
And every boyfriend
after that unconsciously
I thought would
abandon me too.
At least that's what my
therapist said when he
broke up with me.
I'm sorry.
I don't know, it's not
like I intended for any of
this to happen
either, you know?
It's not easy for me.
I'm still trying to
comprehend what's going on.
And I didn't mean to meet
Brad, it was an accident.
He just came home early.
Er-did he skip school?
No, don't trip.
Not early like that.
Like, I mean, earlier than i
thought he'd be home.
I-hey, it is hard raising
a kid on your own, okay?
And I worry. That's
what moms do.
I worry that he's going to
break a bone or that he's
going to fall into
the wrong crowd.
He's not going to fall
into the wrong crowd.
Well, you, you
don't know him.
I know you, and
you're his mom.
And with a mom like you
i think he's going to be
just fine.
Thanks.
Oh shit, you hear that?
Yeah, I do.
Okay, you ready?
Yeah, no. Don't do it. Don't!
I'm gonna pass you a wave.
Don't do it!
Here it comes! Catch it!
If you don't release that
wave it's gonna come out
in traffic!
Don't, please don't do it!
You're gonna be making a
left turn and whoa!
And then a u-turn.
You can't just have
waves floating around.
Alright okay, okay. Here's my,
here's my move. Go, go, go...
Hey, that's my move.
I call that the
"twist and dash."
Yo, are you ready?
No, I'm searching for my
parents on the computer.
It's called Facebook.
People list a bunch of
useless information.
Like this guy right here.
He's about to
brush his teeth.
Now he's done.
Oh, I got a
friend request.
Oh shit.
From Nigeria?
Maybe you have long lost
relatives in Nigeria.
Well, he doesn't look
like anybody in my family
alright, let's go.
Alright.
Oh!
Do I have the
wrong number?
What is this?
Do I, do I know you guys?
Hey, that look like
fucking Sanchez, doesn't it?
But older and uglier!
- Yeah!
I can hear you!
They created a game where
you can put your family in!
I'm not a game.
That's crazy, that's
better than pac man or
asteroids!
You see that?
I'm not a game,
I'm on the Skype!
He's on planet Skype!
Where is this planet?
Oh!
We're on earth!
What are your coordinates?
Where the fuck
is my daughter?
He's on planet Skype and
his daughter's missing!
Oh shit!
Oh my god, it's
you two idiots.
We're businessmen now.
Yep.
We're opening businesses.
I thought you
guys were dead.
Anyway, good talking
to you, dirty.
Do not disconnect me.
-Hey, hey, hey, hey!
-Bye, buddy.
Cabrones!
And it's gonna be called
the chili pot, and we're
just gonna serve chili.
Yes.
Just chili.
That's gonna
pay the rent?
20 bucks a bowl.
For chili?
Well, it has a
special ingredient.
It has cannabis in it.
No you're not.
Oh yes we are. It's our recipe.
You are not selling
pot in my property.
Oh, no, no,
sir, it's okay.
Marijuana is legal now.
So are titty bars, but
you're not going to open
up one of them in
my building either.
Who would think thirty
years later there'd be
still be racism
in America?
That had nothing
to do with race.
Are you kidding me?
The guy was white and
he was a landlord.
Man, those confederate
types just don't like us.
I don't think it had
anything to do with us.
It was the weed
he didn't like.
Look, I say this time we
try it again, just like
the bank, but
leave out the weed.
Okay.
-Alright?
-Alright.
Boom!
Dudes!
I don't think
we're gonna have to hide
that part about the weed.
Mm.
Hey, so, everything's
included in the kitchen,
in the rent?
'Cause it looks perfect to
make chili with weed in it.
Yeah, it's all included.
Chili with weed in it.
Wow.
Right on, you know, I once
replaced my bong water
with soup.
Yeah.
Yeah, it was wild.
You know, we'll take it.
I don't know if I have
that bong anymore, man.
-That was like, years ago.
-No, no, no...
The whole place. Rent...
Oh right, cool,
yeah, right.
That'll be a
$5000 deposit.
Hey, can you just,
hold it for us?
We're just waiting on the
bank to give us the money.
No, no can do.
And just so you two know,
i got some other dudes
coming in here tomorrow
afternoon to check out the
place, so you know...
Peace out.
Mm, but peace
though, really.
No, I mean it. Peace out.
I gotta get out of here.
That place was great.
You think the bank will
give us a loan while we're
waiting on a loan?
It's worth it.
We could give it a shot.
Yo, I just realized my
grandparents used to put
away money for me every
year, and I wasn't allowed
to touch it
until I was 21.
Oh shit!
You look like you
could pass for 21 now.
I think so.
It's gotta be like over
$4000 in that account.
$4000?
Bro, with the combining
interest loans
buried in the dividends...
That's thirty years?
That's gotta be
like $400,000.
Yeah.
You just saved the day.
Mmm!
Guys, this is delicious.
It's my mom's
secret recipe.
What we used to do is make
it all from scratch, then
we'd go to the store and
get some store-bought
chili, put it in there to
add a little flavor to it.
Wait, that's the
secret recipe?
Yeah, was, up until now.
Did you know that Clark
gable ate chili the night
before he died?
Where the hell'd
you hear that?
On goggle.
On.. What?
On the computer, if you
look up, like, you can
stuff words in like
"chili, goggle," and then
-oh, no no, no.
-Uh, goggle...
Google.
Listen, I was, i
goggled last night.
Yeah, goggle
sounds like a word.
It's Google. Yeah, g-o-o-g-l-e.
Google.
Well people spell tomato
different ways too.
What the fuck is a Google?
W-Google.
It's like a search engine.
You search stuff in it.
I didn't look for
a mechanic, okay?
I was looking for chili.
Yeah, you wear goggles,
you don't wear googles.
Or you gotta wear
protective goggles, not
protective googles.
Y-but it, it's not
spelled "goggles."
You don't get drunk and
have beer googles you have
beer goggles.
They're not googgles. They're
not for your eyes.
It's Google, like
g-o-o-g-l-e.
Then what is it for?
-For searching for stuff!
-And what do you search with?
Your eyes.
Checkmate, mother fucker.
Agh!
What's the matter?
What happened?
Ah, I messed up my
arm at the bmx track.
-Bmx track?
-Yeah, agh.
Oh, who went?
All of us. It was fun.
All of you?
What did I say about that?
Well you said you weren't
going to take me!
These guys said they
would, so I said okay.
I wasn't going to take you
because it's dangerous.
It's not dangerous,
it's bmx.
It's fine.
He got hurt!
He's old!
Old people get hurt
doing anything.
Okay, I'll be alright.
You're not helping.
Look, no it's
fine, mom. We were fine.
We went, we had fun, we
relaxed, we were, we were
wearing our pads
and helmets.
-We were fine, right?
-Mhmm.
If it's so safe, why do
you have to wear pads
and helmets?
My house, my rules.
You never let me
do anything fun!
You got, you like, keep
me cooped up in the house
like I can't do anything,
like a fun-killer for
crying out loud.
Hey!
What's with all the helmets
and pads nowadays anyway?
Well that's what you do
now with dangerous things.
Everyone wears
helmets and pads.
Back in the day, the only
people that wore helmets
and pads were retards and
women on their periods.
Oh god, i-I'm raising
three children here.
I think she's on her
helmet right now.
Weber, correct.
Harris.
Can you just tell me
what my account is?
Alright, thank you.
Yo, I had $4,000
in that account.
I had a quarter percent
interest over thirty years.
I've got $4,400.
The landlord guy
needs $5,000.
We're fucked.
You're gonna need
to sell the Van.
I can't sell the Van, man.
That's my only Van!
It was your only Van.
Once we get the loan,
we'll buy back the Van.
But in the meantime,
we need the money.
But in the meantime,
we need the money.
Who the fuck is that?
Who the fuck is that?
Why are you mocking me?
Why are you mocking me?
It's Brad's iPad, this
thing, it's....
It's Brad's iPad...
It repeats
everything you say.
It repeats everything you say.
I just said that.
I just said that.
Do you want to smoke?
Do you want to smoke?
Well clearly I do.
Well clearly I do.
Look, blow some weed into
it, blow weed into it.
-Now, now what?
-Do you feel high?
Are you a high-pad?
Are you a high-pad?
How much you get?
Seven hundred bucks.
The fuck?
That's what I said.
Apparently the guy from
the list of Craig said
that's all he truck is
worth, because, you know,
vintage, and, you know,
cheetos everywhere.
I kind of trust him, too,
because Craig wouldn't put
a list together of
people he didn't trust.
Who the fuck is Craig?
Some guy, he has a list of
everybody's shit, and they
just go to him to sell it.
Where do you find this
guy, does he have a store?
I dunno, Craig,
he's on the um...
The Webber.
The world wide web.
That computer shit
we were lookin' at?
Yeah, it was like
something about twitting?
Apparently the people
who twit go to face...
I haven't figured it out
but Craig knows everybody.
You can get everything
from skis to a blow job.
Ooh, we should've
gotten blow jobs.
I gotta shit.
Try to use the
toilet this time.
Right.
-Hi.
-Hey.
Hi. Does it look like
I'm flying?
It does, superman.
I want to talk to you
about the other morning.
Oh.
You were fine.
No, I was wrong.
You guys have gone out of
your way to include Brad.
And I appreciate it.
And now you're letting him
help with the restaurant
stuff, and,
it's very cool.
Interesting
concept, by the way.
Concept?
Mhmm.
What did he say?
Well, you're only going
to serve chili, right?
That's all he said?
What else should he say?
Nothing.
Nope, nothing.
Dinner tonight?
Oh, I forgot to tell you.
You don't have to
cook dinner tonight.
I'm going out
with the girls.
Oh.
Yeah.
Okay.
I'll see you later.
No problem.
You guys should take
me bungee jumping
this weekend.
What the fuck is
bungee jumping?
I dunno.
Is that in your underwear?
What the fuck is
bungee jumping?
You know, like when you
jump off a bridge with,
like, a bungee.
Why do you say that like
we should know this shit?
Why would you do.. Why
would the fuck you
-jump off a bridge?
-'Cause it's fun.
You know that we're
not white, right?
-Yes, exactly.
-That's not shit we would do.
Why the fuck would you
jump off a bridge?
I got to check
with your mom.
I mean, you don't
have to tell her.
Uh-uh, I promised i
wouldn't let you do any
fuckin' dumb shit.
The fuck?
It's bros before hoes.
Thank you.
Hello?
Hey, it's the
best bud guy.
Hey bud.
Bud.
How old is he?
What, are you hitting'
on me, pervert?
I can't conduct business
if anyone around is underage.
You're conducting
business with us, boy.
Watch your god damn tone.
He's 21.
Listen here rockford
files, you take your case
somewhere else.
His parents are midgets.
The keebler family.
That's keebler sutherland.
Keeble it to yourself.
If you have a good
girl, she's a keebler.
Selling chili
with weed in it?
That's brilliant.
You guys are going to
need about ten flavors to start.
I got the super skunk,
og kush, white widow,
blueberry kush...
- Which one's the best?
All of this
stuff is chronic.
Then we'll take all of it.
And those free little
pens that come with it.
My friend, this
is a vaporizer.
Whoa-whoa, watch
that vaporizer.
Whoa, hey, I don't
want to lose my friend.
Your laser...
The force is not with you!
It's not a star
trek thing, guys.
Just push down on the
button, inhale and try it out.
Oh, in my mouth.
These new designs, they
let you regulate the vapor
density so you get more
hits per cartridge.
Mm.
Oh, that's good
stuff, hold on.
Smooth.
Oh, hey, easy guys.
You barely have to hit it.
That's what she said.
I'm hitting it
from the front.
Great thing about these
new models, vaporization
only happens
when you inhale.
-So, rule of thumb...
-Mmm!
Use about maybe half
the weed that you would
smoking in a joint.
Half?
And the high is stronger.
Mhmm.
Better high, less money,
and completely healthy.
I tell you what, I feel so
fucking healthy right now.
Fantastically healthy.
I think I'm
doing mine wrong.
How could you be 47 and
do that without falling?
Age ain't nothin'
but a number!
Okay, okay.
Are you ready?
Well, I haven't
done this in...
I haven't done
this in years, so.
Okay...
-Woo!
-Whoa!
Don't trip.
Why you trippin', fool?
You've got it.
You've got it.
Pontiac or Toyota,
who was that?
Hey guys.
Hi.
This place looks, uh...
Fun.
What's this the
donations jar?
Oh that's for my
friend on Facebook.
Oh, the one from Nigeria.
Yes!
Yes! How'd you know? Nasim!
Yeah, it's a scam.
That is exactly what
nasim said you would say.
It is a scam.
Yeah.
'Cause he knows
it's a scam.
No, he needs a
foot transplant.
Anyway, this is bullshit.
Let's get somebody to
help us paint, man.
We don't have
any money left.
But we have weed.
Weed is currency.
Yo, next time we give
these guys the weed
after they paint.
Next time we
pay 'em in cash.
We don't have any
more cash, remember?
And we don't have
any more weed.
What?
How the fuck are we gonna
make chili with weed in it
if we don't have any weed
to put in the chili?
I know.
That's why I called
the best bud guy.
So, problem solved.
Problem not solved.
We don't have
any more money.
What?
What?
You just now
telling me this?
I just now told
you just now.
Hello!
-Oh shit!
-Shit!
I have bad news.
Well, just tell me
the good news first.
Oh, there is no good news.
What do you mean
there's no good news?
Well, oh, actually
there's good news for me.
I can't give you
gentlemen the loan.
But you said we
had good credit.
I said it looks like you
have really good credit.
Turns out you don't
have any credit at all.
Yeah, but...
Can't they look at it
like, we haven't missed a
payment in like
three decades?
They could, but they
won't, because that's not
how it works.
Banks don't give loans to
people without credit.
So you brought your big
Wally-happy ass down here,
granola-eatin',
folgers-coffee drinkin',
to tell us this shit?
Well, it wasn't a problem.
I had the afternoon free
since I didn't have to do
your paperwork.
Well, I'm gonna go
get some frogurt.
Bye guys!
What a frogin' asshole.
See, I told you.
Racism is still alive.
Still alive!
We're fucked.
He can't give us a loan
because we ain't got no credit.
Gentlemen!
All I need is a signature
and a payment and we're all set.
Right, um, about
the payment thing.
A funny thing happened
with the, you know how
business is, you know.
Got the signature,
but the payment...
Can I be straight?
There's been a..
Accounting error.
Yeah, so we're gonna
have to get this on...
Credit?
Credit?
Okay, let me explain
to you something about
credit, alright?
I gave you credit in
the first delivery.
Still haven't gotten
payment for that.
So, when I get payment for
that, you get some more weed.
Look, man. Look around, okay?
We're just about to
open this place, right?
We're gonna be busy, busy,
making money, chili,
money, chili,
weed, everything.
We're gonna be successful,
we're gonna be your number
one people.
We're gonna be your...
Thing!
Economics.
Hold on, hold on,
let me handle this.
Look, you're a
businessman.
I'm a businessman.
Business is how
business is.
That's how this
country was built.
Capiche?
Pilgrims helped
the Indians.
The Indians helped
the pilgrims.
We're just asking for the
same deal the Indians got.
And not my Indians.
The other ones.
Okay, let me explain
to you guys a little
something about the
deal the Indians got.
Pilgrims took their land,
gave 'em blankets covered
in smallpox.
Allegedly.
Smallpox?
That's free.
Weed? Costs money.
No cash, no grass.
What are you, a
fuckin' poet now?
I don't need smallpox!
These people, these are
not good businesspeople.
Did you know that Bruce
Lee was actually born in
San Francisco?
I did know this.
I can't believe i
messed up on counting.
I can, you were wasted.
We're always wasted.
Maybe that's our problem.
You're gonna have to ask
Debbie for the money.
Are you fucking crazy?
Yeah, picture that.
"Oh hey Deb, can I borrow
a few thousand bucks so I
can buy some weed?"
Yeah. She'll lose her shit and
kick us out of her place.
We'll end up homeless.
Tell her it's for
something else!
I can't lie to her.
You been lying
this whole time!
Yeah, well i
don't like it.
Listen, she's
against weed.
You don't have
a future, okay?
She's our last hope.
Roll the dice, man.
Hey guys.
Debbie!
-Hey!
-Hey, hello.
Speaking of nice shirts.
-Hi!
-Hey!
So, uh, what are
you doing here?
I took off work early.
Brad told me
you'd be here.
Cool, Brad told her.
Look at that.
Well, I told Brad that i
would take him skydiving.
Alright.
Off to the gym.
You guys have fun.
Okay, well...
Look at you,
skipping work, huh?
Sit down.
It's a beautiful day.
Let's go for a walk.
Alright.
So, you just...
Took the day off
work today? Just like that?
Just like that.
I mean, a few weeks ago i
would've never considered
that, but if my
boss gets annoyed...
So what, right?
I guess.
What changed?
I dunno, I just feel like
i haven't been living my life.
Forgot how to have fun
along the way, know what I mean?
I do.
I do know what you mean.
You have a lot
do with that.
I do?
I'm the reason you
played hooky today?
Yes! I mean look at you, you
don't worry about anything.
So you think I don't
have any worries?
What do you have
to worry about?
Oh, okay. Your secrets again.
We didn't have enough
money to finish the restaurant.
Can't you get a loan?
Well...
Pelican point bank was
going to give us a loan,
but then, we don't have
any credit, so no.
Well, you know what?
There are other banks.
Well, where're you going?
Woop, woop!
Wait, now you
want to dance?
I want to talk!
You're afraid that she's
not going to accept you
because you're a pothead,
and in my book,
that's chicken.
Okay, number one,
I'm not a chicken...
Guys. I got you the loan!
-Haaa!
-What?
My friend Julie works at
the pelican point bank.
She spoke with the
original loan officer, and
he still likes your idea.
No, they already said no
and we don't have any
credit anyways.
I'm gonna co-sign!
Oh! God, no.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah!
-No, no, no.
Your credit is no
longer an issue.
All you have to do is
go in, give your
little presentation and
you're all set.
I am so excited for you!
Me too!
Pow!
I love it when
Debbie gets excited.
Well that went well.
No the fuck it didn't!
She thinks we're opening
up a normal restaurant.
We are!
I gotta get her to cancel.
No! Whoa!
I can't have her sign
this shit under false pretenses.
Deb?
Debbie, I...
Hoo, I...
Oh my...
G-good god.
Um, d... Deb.
Debbie Deb Deb,
dooby dub da...
God damn, you
look fantastic.
I uh...
I.. I just gotta...
I just want to talk to
you about something real quick.
I t-tits, talk, toody,
tit-tot-tot-too-dot tits, talk.
Jesus Christ, I wanted to
tell you your tits have
dropped perfectly
over the years.
I, um...
I haven't seen, s...
These, or anything this...
Shade.
I was with Reeves for a
long time, and uh, this is
far better than I...
We really need to work
on your compliments.
Debbie?
Deb?
Debbie?
Oh for fuck's sakes.
Yo, where's Debbie?
You didn't tell
her, did you?
I tried
to, but she wanted to fuck,
and I didn't want to be rude.
She showed up naked and i
showed up with a boner.
Well, she left you
a little message.
Sorry I can't be at
the bank with you.
Good luck today.
Fuck.
I gotta call her, dude.
And tell her what?
The truth.
The truth?
Look, you gonna
sabotage us.
I'm not trying to
sabotage, I mean, she put
up too much fucking money.
Trust me.
Let me call
her real quick.
Fucking voicemail!
Good.
We gotta cancel
this meeting.
Listen, this
is all I have.
I sold my Van. I have nothing!
I don't want to fuck her
over, and I don't want to
fuck you over, you're
my best friend.
But we gotta tell somebody
the truth somewhere.
We gotta figure
something out.
Wait a minute.
I might have something.
There's this thing on
here called powerpoint.
With a few adjustments,
and some editing
cut-pastes...
Can I ask you something?
Hm?
How the fuck'd you get
so good on the computer?
Mrs. hunt's typing class.
Damn, I should've
paid attention.
I kept staring at
Mrs. hunt's...
Legs.
I got it.
I really wish Debbie
would've called me back
this morning.
It's actually
better like this.
Once she sees we've turned
around these stiff types,
she'll be ready
to jump on board.
Shall we begin
the presentation?
Oh, we're not
ready just yet.
God, this chili
is god damn...
It's good!
You spiked it!
I put a little
product in it.
How much?
Enough to get the loan.
Yummy!
Can I have some more?
Oh, ye...
You, here, certainly can.
Oh, heh, thank you.
I-i see you gentlemen
have a loan guarantor,
Ms. Sanchez?
Uh, she can't be here
today, but she's ready to
sign the papers upon
the bank's approval?
Do we have any
bigger spoons?
Okay, time for
the presentation.
This is our
projected income.
Yep.
-These are beans...
-Uh, hold on. Go back a slide.
Hm?
Do you have any actual numbers
for your projected profit?
No.
But it will look like
this, the money.
-We'll stack it better.
-Yeah.
These are some of
the ingredients.
Mainly beans, tomatoes,
this is Greg, he's a cow,
-um, corn.
-Corn.
-Onions...
-Uh, whoa whoa whoa.
Uh, stop the clock, uh,
go back a slide or two.
-Hm? Hm? The, the corn?
-No,just one more, one more.
Greg.
Forward.
Go forward one slide.
-Hm? Th-this one?
-Back.
Back, back back back!
Uh, hm...
I'm sorry, is that...
Is that marijuana?
It's...
Legal cannabis?
Alright, can we get
the lights back on?
-No, no, no!
-Sir, sir!
Let me understand
something here.
You're gonna sell chili
that has marijuana in it?
Yes!
That's why it's
called the chili pot.
Chili.
Pot.
Chili pot.
Alright, I think
we can stop here.
A pot restaurant is not
the sort of establishment
that our bank can support.
It would be bad
for our image.
Actually, I was going
to address that.
Can we continue?
I really don't
see the point.
Please.
There's more chili.
Huh?
Please, there's
lots of it.
Okay, alright.
Alright, go for
it, go for it.
Just... that's
very full, alright.
Weed has been a part
of our history and our fabric.
When Washington was
crossing the Delaware, do
you think he was sober?
I mean, who stands
up in a boat?
A high man.
George Washington,
weed smoker.
Ben Franklin.
Do you think that "hey,
let's go fly a kite in the
middle of a storm"
was a sober idea?
That's where the term
"high as a kite" comes from.
Ah!
Ben Franklin, bong owner.
There's his supplier.
Cancer!
The big c.
Many people in
this town have it.
And are going to
die from it soon.
Shouldn't they have access
to something that's going
to make the time
pass slower?
Weed does that.
Picture thousands of
tombstones that read:
"My death was not quick,
thanks to pelican point bank."
Marijuana: Gateway
drug, right?
Wrong!
Marijuana is a
gateway to pancakes.
Cinnabon.
Anything ending in -ito.
Fritos, doritos,
cheetos, burritos.
Hundreds of foods that may
not be palatable to the
normal tastebud.
But to somebody on
marijuana, delicious.
And they go out hunting
for it night after night.
Pelican point bank:
Economy stimulator.
Marijuana is not only
embraced by the outcast now.
It is mainstream.
Some former potheads and
current are doing very
well for themselves
right now.
Woody Harrelson.
Sean penn.
Snoop dogg.
I thought you
couldn't make it.
- My meeting got out early
-cheech & Chong.
Merle haggard.
Bill Clinton.
You didn't tell me it was
a marijuana restaurant.
What?
Barack Obama, the
commander in chief.
God bless this
conference room,
and god bless America.
Debbie!
Debbie!
I was gonna tell you.
When?
When were you
gonna tell me?
After I co-signed
the loan?
I, um...
I know this looks bad.
Oh my god.
You've been lying to
me this whole time.
I trusted you
around my son.
I don't know what to say.
How about "I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I didn't realize
how my actions would
affect people."
How about this one?
"I'm sorry you found weed in
Brad's backpack this morning."
Yeah, I did.
-Listen...
-No, I'm done listening to you.
You're a fucking
irresponsible man-child.
You suck me in, you make
me think I can live this
carefree day-to-day life,
but you forgot to tell me
the secret.
It only works if
you don't grow up.
But you wouldn't
realize that.
You didn't think that
through, because that
takes reflection.
You know what
really hurts?
I started to
believe in us again.
Hey!
-Hey.
-Did you get the loan?
No.
I left a note for
your mom inside.
W-wait, you're leaving?
Your mom found out
about the restaurant.
She's pissed.
Says we're bad
role models.
She said that?
She's right.
We're fuckin' idiots.
And do yourself a favor
and stop hiding your weed
in your backpack.
She went through my stuff?
Are you kidding me?
God.
That's what the
note's about.
I told her the weed was
mine, that I put
it in there, you didn't know
anything about it.
So you're good.
No, no, no, no.
You can't say that, because,
you gotta go get that note.
Because if you say that,
she's not gonna let you
guys come back.
It's too late, buddy.
No, this is bullshit, man!
I was smoking weed long
before you guys ever
showed up, alright?
This is my fault.
I'll take the rap, I'll
tell her the honest truth.
It'll be fine.
She'll let you
guys stay, okay?
Listen, when you get
older you'll understand.
Right now, just, things
aren't as clear-cut as
they seem.
Besides, what's really
important is your mom
believes in your innocence
rather than mine.
Here's the key.
Yo, this shit was way
easier to do 30 years ago.
Woof.
Still mad at me?
Dude, I can't believe
you left me, man.
It would've worked if you
just waited a couple of seconds.
Look, man.
I had to do something.
There'll be other banks,
but there's only one Debbie.
I had to take a shot.
If it makes you feel any
better, I lost her too.
Does make me feel
a little better.
I didn't want to lose
my best friend as well.
Just love me, man.
-Stop.
-Won't you hug me?
We slept together for 30
years, you won't hug me now?
Stop! You're making a pbs
moment, man!
I'm not inside you!
-Damn it.
-Holy shit!
-What?
-Look at that!
What?
Right there, where
the light is!
You mean all that
weed by the tree?
Oh shit!
Weed never used to
grow there before.
Maybe the bird droppings
have been dropping on the
tree acting as fertilizer.
No, there used to
be trees there.
Now the sun can get
through, and it's
reflecting off
the rock and...
Growing takes reflection!
Three times
three is eight!
Debbie said it to me.
I didn't know what the
fuck she was talking about.
I don't know what the
fuck you talking about.
Because there's no trees
there, the sunlight can
get through, it reflects off the
rock, and it feeds the weed.
If we clear all these
trees away on the side of
this hill...
With all that light...
We won't need a loan!
Exactly.
More weed! Oh shit!
We'll be weed farmers!
-Ahhh!
-Ahhh!
We gonna be rich!
Ahh!
Alright, just put
that on your table sir.
We need a chili thai
kush and a Maui wow-y
pineapple.
We're out of all that,
can you pass it through.
Oh, okay, well...
I'll let him know.
Oh.
-Hey.
-Hi.
Yep, this is it.
Yes, this is it.
This is it.
Mm.
It's... you have artwork, too.
Yeah, it was Reeves' idea.
Uh huh, it's uh,
it's interesting.
This is the, uh, the angel
covered in, angel of flies.
Lord of the flies.
Uh huh.
'Cause he's like, brown,
just a, piece of shit, but
he's covered in flies.
Okay, so, um, can we
sit down for a minute?
Need any avon?
How's my favorite client.
W-what are you doing here?
Remember how I knew
a guy who knew a guy?
Turns out he knows a guy.
G-15.
It's primo shit.
What's your price?
Surprised to see you here.
I know how much you
don't like chili.
Ha! Just kidding.
It's weed.
I know that you're
against weed.
Well, you know, I just
want to keep it away from
Brad as long as possible.
I want to keep
him innocent.
That's what mom's do.
Um, tomorrow night there
is an old school concert.
You want to go with me?
You mean you
and, you and me?
-Yeah.
-Together?
Yeah.
Uh, yeah. Please.
Does that mean,
uh, you forgive me?
Well...
Baby steps.
You know why?
Why?
'Cause of what
you did for Brad.
I know you covered up for
him about that weed in his
backpack, and I know that
you've been helping him
with his schoolwork for
the past few months, and
he's been doing great.
Thank you.
I think you can thank
yourself a little bit too.
It was a selfless act.
Oh.
-I did a selfless act?
-Yes.
Yeah, I know, i-i
did that on purpose.
I'm really good
at being selfless.
Here's another selfless
act I'd like to do.
No, that was selfish.
No, it was definitely
not shellfish.
That was mint.
Um...
That was not selfish.
You know how I know?
'Cause it made you smile.
Come here.
Want to get out of here?
Uh, yes, please.
Yes I do.
Just let me go tell Reeves
that I'm leaving, okay?
Okay.
Reeves?
No, more, more!
Uh, yeah, right
there! Right there!
Joe?
Reeves?
Don't you stop,
don't you stop!
Oh yeah.
Mm-mm-mm.
Dude, this is good chili.
What's in this?
Can't tell you.
Mom's secret recipe.
Oh yeah?
Yo man, how many of these
seeds you think we've
thrown over here over the
past couple of years?
Huh?
What, a quadrillion?
Is that a real number?
I don't know if it's a
real number and a fake
word, or a fake word
and a real number.
It's like, how come
the weed won't grow?
Man, we found the only
spot in the northwest
where weed won't grow.
It's not good.
Come on dude, let's go.
We're gonna be late
picking up Debbie.
-Let's do this.
-Let's do it!
Come on.
Come on man!
Hey!
Hold up! Wait up, wait up. I
forgot my bike, hold on.
Hi, Mr. Sanchez.
I'm Harris,
Debbie's boyfriend.
We're here to take Debbie to
the raising hell concert.
Is she ready?
What up dude?
I mean sir dude.
You've got to
be kidding me.
I know, women right?
Never ready on time.
No, we'll wait.
Hey, by any chance you
got any munchy snacks?
I know you got 'em.
Don't you hold out on me!
Mm!
Mmm!
So Debbie tells
me you're not planning on
going to college.
No sir.
We don't need college.
Reeves and I are going to
start our own business and
live off the grid.
That's right.
Off the what?
Oh, well, you know.
Not get caught up in the
whole corporate rat race.
Corporations kill
the working man.
- I got this.
- -Yeah, I.
It's a really cool idea.
-Are you ready?
-Mhm.
Reeves and I drive around
the country selling coffee
on street corners.
Wow!
-Right?
-Right?
Yo, dude, okay.
And then sometimes we'll
just set up right in the
middle of the street if
-there ain't no corners!
-Yeah!
-You know what I mean?
-Absolutely.
Where the corner at?
You want a whip it?
Mm.
Whip it?
I was wrong
about you boys.
I want to apologize.
Oh, no need.
And this idea of yours
is one surefire plan for
success.
-Yes, baby, yes!
-Mhmm!
This should be enough to
intoxicate my daughter,
don't you think?
Sir, we're, we're not
going to need that.
Oh yeah, sir,
no, we're fine.
We already have
vodka in our Van.
Oh.
-So you have a Van.
-Yeah!
I assume you must have a
mattress in the back
of the Van as well.
-No, no!
-Ha ha, not yet, not yet!
There's nothing like
fornicating in the back of
a Van, huh?
Am I right?
Well sir we're not into
the whole fucking animals
thing.
Hey, how are you
guys on condoms?
You know, on second
thought, it'll probably be
a lot more fun
to violate my daughter
without protection.
And you can join
in too, gordito!
You're not going to
let her go, are you?
-Why not?
-Because I don't like you boys.
Okay?
You're stoners, this
concert is way too far
away, and Debbie
is a minor.
Alright, so
that's one reason.
And let me add
something else, okay?
In all my years, I have
never heard of such a
stupid idea
for a business.
Selling cups of coffee?
That's as dumb as trying
to sell bottles of water!
Alright, alright.
Alright.
I see what's going on.
So, sir.
What if I promise
not to fuck her?
-Wh-relax! We're negotiating.
-Sir.
Shh!
Can I just talk
to Debbie, please?
No.
Okay.
So uh, can I go upstairs
and talk to Debbie?
What part of "no" is
confusing to you boys?
I don't know about him,
but to me, between the "k"
and the "w" being silent,
i-it's just never made any
sense to me.
You don't need this
because I'm sure you have
plenty of weed
in your Van.
Pssh, no!
I wish we had...
Yo, first off, I wish we
had plenty of weed in the
back of our Van, okay?
We're actually about to go
pick up some weed from one
of my homies that we know
on the way there because
we running a little low,
so you don't really know
everything silent-k
silent-w about everything
that me and him have going on.
So y-yeah.
I want you boys
out of my house.
Vamanos! Sal afuera!
Out!
Man, I think Debbie
ratted us out.
How did he know
we were stoners?
What the!
Debbie!
Oh.
I guess Tommy gave
us the wrong address.
Um...
Do you know
where Joe lives?
I'm Joe.
You're here for herb?
You're the dealer?
I mean, you look like you
could be selling avon.
I sell that too.
Lip gloss or weed?
Make up your mind.
Weed.
Wow, she really
does sell avon.
Northwest division
salesperson of the year.
What are the odds...
-Oh my god!
-Oh my, what the...
I think you guys are cops.
What?
Yo, look w-we just
changed our minds, right?
Didn't we change our mind?
We came her for
some lip gloss.
Lip gloss. You got some...
What's Tommy's
middle name?
W-we don't know!
I swear, I swear!
Uh!
I don't either.
I'm just fucking with you.
-Ha ha...
-That's...
That's funny.
Take off your clothes.
--What?
Take off your clothes...
Take off your clothes.
Do you want the
weed or not?
Yeah, but why would we
need to take off our clothes?
Do I need to get my
strap-on so we can do a
few dance numbers first?
No, no!
No strap-on at all.
But, this, but
you're funny though.
Strip, ladies.
Strip, bitches.
Um, well, you know,
probably just to like make sure
we're not wired
or something?
No, man! No! No! No!
I saw this!
I saw this in my mind!
I saw this happening!
Really? You saw this coming?
The dealer was going to
turn out to be an avon
lady who would put a gun
to our head and threaten
to fuck us with a
strap-on phallus.
Yeah? Yeah?
That was your vision?
Yes!
I saw that, alright!
I knew that was going to
happen, but I didn't know
what the word "phallus"
meant until like...
Right now.
See?
We're not wired.
I wasn't worried
about that.
I just wanted to
see you naked.
That reminds me, i
need to buy cashews.
Hey...
Price is 200.
Dollars?
No, pesos.
This shit was grown in
area 51 where they keep
the aliens.
You ever heard of g-13?
No way.
No way!
Are you telling me
that's that, that's that
super-secret CIA weed?
This is g-14.
Oh, what?
Most of the CIA can't even
get their hands on this
shit yet.
Well how'd you get it?
Fucked a guy
who knows a guy.
That's all I'm gonna say.
Yo, those are the kind of
stories you can't make up
even if you try.
I really think she fucked
a guy who knows a guy.
Yeah, I know.
When people
say shit like that,
they're telling the truth.
I think she fucked a dude
that maybe just know a dude.
You don't have $200!
Um...
But.. $200.
T-that's a lot.
Tell you what.
You go down on me, I'll
take off 10 percent.
Ha!
That's, uh, that's funny.
That's really good.
You make me squirt,
I'll take off 20.
Squirt what?
Dude, I can't
believe we actually.
Mm. Mm.
I thought we agreed we
weren't even going to talk
about it.
Dude, are you sure
this is a shortcut?
I mean, I have not seen
any lights for a while now.
I think we should
turn around.
Here?
No, after another 30
minutes of darkness.
You said here!
-Fuck!
-Agh!
-This is shit!
-Aw, dude...
We're stuck in a hole, man.
Well I'm not
licking this one.
Twice in one day?
Euh.
Yeah, looks like we might
have to spend the night
here tonight.
Fuck!
We're gonna miss
the concert!
Oh my goodness!
Pledge.
Dude, do you, do you,
like, hear that?
What?
Dude, I could,
like, hear my ears
listening to things.
What?
Huh.
You mean to tell me that
you can hear your
your ears operating?
Yeah bro.
Yo, this CIA shit
is crazy strong, man, yo!
Like, I feel
like I gotta piss but
I don't even know.
Yo, fuck, I'm high.
Dude.
Dude, my hand...
My hand looks
like a tarantula.
I don't even feel
my hands anymore.
I'm hungry, bro.
I wish I had some of your
chili right now with a, a
bowl of cheese a-and
a slice of ice cream.
-Mm.
-Switch
you know what i
wish right now?
Hm?
I wish these fingers were
just little kit-Kat bars.
Then...
I could just...
Break one off.
Break you off a piece,
and
mm!
They're so good!
You alright bro?
Oh my god!
Feels like my whole
face is in my mouth!
Oh!
Why are my balls
vibrating?
I can't feel my cock.
Oh my god.
What?
My cock is gone!
Fuck!
She stole your cock.
-Someone stole your cock!
-Someone stole my cock!
Cock thief! Cock thief!
Stole it right
underneath me!
Gimme your cock!
Yo, I slept like a baby.
Ugh, me too.
That weed knocked
me the fuck out.
Mm.
You look older than
a motherfucker.
Holy shit, you
look old as fuck!
Hee!
This must have some
hallucinogenic shit in it.
That's fuckin' cool.
We must be
halla-ducinatin' now.
Oh yeah.
Man, I feel like we've
been walking for days.
Ahh, I'm fuckin' hot.
This is the worst
hallucination ever.
The fuck...
A fuckin' space ship.
We're not hallucinating.
We're still dreaming.
How do you know this is
your dream and not mine?
Because I always
dream of spaceships.
Let's keep walking.
Welcome.
What the fuck was that?
It's a talking door?
What's happening?
Hello, door.
How are you?
Nice to meet you.
Why's everybody on
their calculator?
We walked all this way for
a fuckin' math convention!
I hate math.
And I gotta take a shit.
2016?
What the fuck?
Thank you.
Have a nice day.
What the fuck?
What the fuck is that?
I'm at the gas station.
Oh
sweetheart, I miss you so
much, I can't wait to
see you my little boo.
I'll be here for
a couple hours.
Who the fuck is that?
The fuck?
Welcome.
Yo!
Check this out.
Government approves...
No, not that. Look at the date.
June 12, 2016.
It's one of those
fake news papers.
Uh-uh. This shit is real.
I went outside and saw a
dude with his car plugged in.
The price of gas is $5 a
gallon, and I seen a girl
with a thing in her hand
that she was talking to a
dude, and he was there,
like a video call.
But did you see this?
That's fucked up.
Check this out though.
That's proof that
this is a fake.
If you go by this
newspaper here, this guy
is black, right?
And his name is o-bam-a?
Barack Obama, and
he's the President of the
United States.
Exactly.
Excuse me sir.
What's the date?
June the 12th, man.
What year?
2016!
Hey, get off me
man, get off me!
Right, right, right right,
I'm gonna let, yeah right.
Who's the president?
Barack Obama.
What he look like?
He's black!
That weed we smoked
knocked us out for
30 years!
We need to get a tow
truck, get your Van out
the ditch, and get
the fuck on home.
Let's go.
This damn CIA.
First Vietnam, then
Reagan gets shot.
Ever heard of
a turn signal?
It's nobody's fuckin'
business where we're going.
Well, your parents definitely
don't live here anymore.
They really mean it when they
say you can't go home again.
So...
Our old school is
a home depot now.
-Mm.
-Your old house is a vacant lot.
And mine's a
fucking soul mart?
There's nothing left
from our fucking life!
And what the fuck
is "glutton free?"
I dunno but the
gluttons eat free.
We should act like some
gluttons and go eat.
I'm starving, man.
Nah, let's go by
Debbie's parents' house.
Maybe they still
live there.
And they'll feed us.
Hello?
Uh, hi Mrs. Sanchez?
Yes?
This is Harris.
Harris weber.
Who?
Uh, Debbie's boyfriend?
Her...
Old boyfriend, I guess?
Harris has been
dead for 30 years.
This isn't funny.
They really gonna
think this is funny.
Go away!
Leave!
I...
I know this probably
sounds crazy but...
Hi, Mrs. Sanchez.
It's uh...
I know this is probably
really weird for you right
now but...
Probably didn't
expect to see us after all
these years.
Yeah.
This can't be...
Debbie?
Where the hell
have you been!
Ow.
Agh...
You guys want me to
believe that you bought
some super pot from a
woman named Joe who was
screwing a CIA guy who was
growing pot in area 51
"where they keep the
aliens," on your way to a
concert that you never got
to because your Van fell
into a ditch where you
slept for 30 years, and
all of the sudden you woke
up one day and here you are.
Crazy shit, right?
Were you in prison?
You were in prison,
weren't you.
-Like in Bolivia or something.
-If only.
Hey, up here.
What happened to you guys?
What really happened
to you guys?
That is what
really happened.
Mhmm.
Do you have any idea how
serious your disappearance was?
There were news reports, there
were missing persons reports.
Your parents hired
private detectives.
We had no idea where
you disappeared to.
Eventually, we just
thought you were dead.
Your parents held
funerals for you.
For closure.
-We had funerals?
-Yeah.
You're buried at the
cemetery on Madison street.
Was it a nice service?
Nice funeral.
Did people show up?
A few.
Was it sad?
Guys, is this
supposed to be funny?
Because it's not.
Look, we don't understand what
happened either, but we're
telling you what happened.
That doesn't mean
it's believable.
It just means that's
what the fuck happened.
I can't believe you
still live with your parents.
-It's my house now.
-No shit?
-That's right.
-Wow.
Hey, do you know where
my parents moved to?
Because I can't find them.
Wow.
You don't know, do you?
Your parents died
like ten years ago.
What the fuck?
That's a bummer bro.
What about my parents?
Yours moved away.
Um, we have no idea
where they moved.
We never saw them again.
They, they moved to
the mountains.
My eyes are here, Reeves.
My father loved mountains.
I see what you're saying.
There's some good
peaks out there.
This is crazy.
I don't know what
to say, I'm...
I'm a little freaked out.
I'm just...
Look, I know this is a
little crazy, us just
showing up after
all these years.
Yeah.
Why don't we meet up again
tomorrow, to the mall or
something, maybe
go to the arcade.
Yeah, the arcade!
Okay.
So, what time you
want to hang out?
Oh, I don't hang
out. I go to work.
-So after work?
-Ditch!
Ditch!
After work?
Uh, sure.
Okay, so like two?
No, hon. This
is not school, it's work.
I'm like, seven, eight.
Okay, well we've got to,
at least, eight at the
latest, 'cause the food
court will close at nine.
Oh, Deb.
Hey wooly!
Oh my...
You guys slept in here?
Good morning.
Wow.
I can't believe you
still have this thing.
Look at you, all
businesswoman-like.
Like a professional.
You look great.
Thanks.
Um, the house is locked,
but if you want to clean
up, you can use the
rinse-off shower on the side.
Good, thank you. We need that.
Debbie, I was in your back
yard last night, and I was
wondering, where'd you get this
really cool stormtrooper boot?
Man what the hell is that?
It's a stormtrooper boot.
Who stuck wheels
in an ice skate?
W-when were you
in my back yard?
I had to take a shit last
night and I didn't want
your neighbors all
in my business.
That's very
considerate of you.
That is a Rollerblade and
it belongs to my son.
We have a son?
No, no we, you, we don't
have a son.
No.
Wait...
How old is he?
He's fifteen.
He was at his
dad's last night.
Wait, you fucked
somebody else?
Yeah, I did.
Debbie's fuckin'!
I-i did.
And when am i
gonna meet him?
Uh, let's hold off
on that for now.
Why, is he ugly?
We're not going to laugh.
Oh my god, is he a retard?
Okay, it's because of
comments like that that we
are gonna hold off.
And it's because
of all of this!
I mean, you know, I don't
want people in his life
that are not going to
be a good role model.
Good role model?
We're not good
role models?
I'm sorry, I didn't
mean it like that.
-Hmm.
-Oh, hmm.
-Hmm!
-Well, maybe I did.
It's just...
You show up after
all these years.
Y-you're looking homeless,
you smell like I can't
even describe, and you're
sleeping in a Van.
Oh, but we got our
phat gold chains.
Shell toes.
We good.
Brad's at a very
impressionable age right now.
You named him Brad?
Anything that I'm saying
is just sounding terrible
and rude and I'm sorry.
I'm going to go
to work right now.
I'm going to go, okay?
I'm going to go.
Might be time for you guys
to start seeing other people.
Apparently she's been
seeing other people.
Guess what I'm seeing.
I thought you
finished all the weed.
I did.
But I found this on
Debbie's back porch.
Okay, now that we look
less homeless, what do we do?
Well, we're gonna stop telling
people what really happened.
Truck stop guy, tow
truck dude, Debbie...
They all said we
sounded crazy.
Shit, I was there and
i don't believe it.
Here's what we do.
We drop the story, we
accept our situation, and
we go back to what
we were going to do.
You mean start
our business?
Sell coffee out of my Van?
Yeah.
Think about it, with
inflation, we could be
like making two
bucks a cup.
For coffee?
You sound crazy
as shit right now.
We'll call it two
buck a cuppa coffee.
You guys here
to fix the satellite?
The fuck's a satellite?
What are we,
fuckin' astronauts?
What do you mean
"satellite?"
Who the fuck are you?
My name's Brad.
I fuckin' live here.
We're friends of Debbie's.
Uh, Debbie? You mean my mother?
Oh shit!
That's Debbie's kid.
Debbie's been fuckin'!
That's her receipt!
Uh, yeah, listen, my mom's
friends don't smoke, so...
You don't know
your mom's friends.
That's my fuckin'
bag of joints, man!
What the fuck?
Fuck man you
smoking my weed man?
Jesus, guys you
smoked half my stash.
Oh relax, we'll
buy you more.
Call your dealer.
My dealer?
When's the last time
you bought weed?
Where do you get it from?
You just buy it.
You just walk into
7-11 and go buy weed?
Yeah, can me get some
chips, some soda, oh, and
some weed please?
Wait, you guys know
weed's legal now, right?
Wait, what?
I don't know why we need
this doctor to get pot
from a store.
Well, if you have a
prescription, they give
a discount, so...
Ahh.
That's a good deal.
Part of the discount.
It is my birthday.
Happy birthday.
See, yeah. I
told you I'd hook you up.
Hello nurse!
I am not the nurse.
I am Dr. gales.
Well with a body like
that, you ought to be a nurse.
Um, you don't have to
take your shirt off...
Well, I've taken my shirt
off for uglier girls,
so it's not a problem.
Um, I assume that you're having
trouble sleeping at night?
No, I sleep all
through the night.
You look like you're in
a lot of chronic pain.
No, but I do have an itch
you can scr-
-atch.
Mr. Cornell.
Reeves.
I can't write you a
prescription for medical
marijuana unless there's
an actual need, do you
understand?
Right.
Mm.
Do you like Italian?
You're under a lot of
pressure aren't you?
Right.
And you need something
to help calm you down.
Right!
Back hurts?
-Right!
-Can't sleep at night?
-Yeah!
-Constant migraines?
Yes, listen.
You take your shirt off,
I'm going to take my shirt
off, and we gonna
start fuckin'.
I am not a prostitute.
I didn't call
you a prostitute.
Okay.
Let's just say you gave
me a little medical
rubba-dub-dub.
You know like a medical
rub in a medical way?
Non-prostitute, but just
medically induced rub.
-Just a, you know...
-In a non-prostitute way?
In a non-prostitute
way. Just a...
-Oh? Oh?
-Yes.
Okay.
-Why didn't you say so?
-I was trying to...
Stand up.
Ooh.
Somebody's gonna be...
-Alright...
-Turn around.
Turn around!
Oh, no, and then stop.
-Oh.
-Like right there.
Right there.
-And uh...
-Like this?
Why don't you, uh,
drop your pants, huh?
Oh, the old reach around.
-Dropping the...
-Pants...
Can you back that up?
Mhmm, just gotta
help you out there.
Bend over.
Kind of rough
there, aren't you?
Welcome to home de-pot.
How can I help
medicate you.
We'll take it all.
You can't have it all.
What type of cannabis
are you looking for?
Cannabis?
Fuck that, we want weed!
At a discount...
Oh baby.
Roll-a-bowls.
They are indestructible,
they are foldable, they
are portable.
Dishwasher safe.
Yeah?
-Just, we'll put that in there.
-Mhmm.
Got dick's elixirs
over there.
All different flavors.
Do these all have
weed in them?
Duh.
I think we're gonna
need a bigger basket.
It's about time
you guys showed up.
What are you drinking?
Oh, it's a mocha
vanilla latte.
-What?
-What's that?
It's coffee.
That's a coffee?
Where'd you get it?
From Starbucks. Hello?
Those Starbuck places
i see on every corner?
They just sell coffee?
Yeah.
Debbie's
dad stole our idea!
What the fuck are you
guys talking about?
God damn coffee thief!
I never trusted
her father.
I mean, I only known him
for two minutes, but them
two minutes, i
never trusted him.
I can't believe he stole
our business plan!
Took us fucking years to
come up with that shit!
"Like a son?"
What the fuck you
mean "like a son?"
I was your son!
This is so strange.
I know.
I never thought I'd
live to see the day!
Hey!
It's bad to smoke
cigarettes.
You scared the
shit out of us.
It's not a cigarette.
It's a joint.
Marijuana.
Ganja, you know mon.
It's still smoking!
Well, it's our business,
and those are our
tombstones.
What are you, the
cemetery police?
Okay, get the fuck out of here.
We're grown.
And we're grieving.
What are you guys, ghosts?
Look here, I don't know if
you're some kind of
ghost whisperer.
I don't know why
you here, but...
We're here smoking weed,
minding our business.
If you're ghosts, how
'come I can't see through you?
Well, there's a simple
explanation for that.
Um, basically it's
because I'm black!
Now bounce, bitch!
Yo, I could really go for
a bowl of your chili right now.
Oh, yeah that
would be nice.
Yo, I got an idea!
What?
What's the one thing
people want when we're high.
I dunno, but I'm hungry
as a motherfucker.
Exactly!
We'll open up a restaurant
that sells your chili with
weed in it!
That's actually brilliant!
Then when they get the
munchies, they're already there.
And then they eat more, and
then they have more
munchies, and
they keep eating.
They don't have
to go nowhere.
And even if they don't eat
that much, what do people
do when they're high?
They're messy,
they spill shit.
They'll spill the chili
and they'll have to buy
some more.
We'll be millionaires.
You just came
up with that?
Yeah.
No shit?
I mean you're some kind
of idea entrepreneur if
there's a word.
I'm an idealist.
Where are we gonna get
the money to open up a
restaurant, man?
The bank!
We'll go get a
loan from the bank!
No.
Why not?
There are no other chili
restaurants in town.
Are there?
It's the marijuana aspect.
Sir, weed is legal.
Yes, marijuana is
legal mister...
Weber, but that doesn't
mean a bank endorses it.
This bank is a
conservative organization.
Well I'm pretty sure there
are plenty of banks that will.
Nope.
-Weed?
-No.
Leave.
-I got an idea.
-Mhmm?
Let's leave out
the weed this time.
That's lying.
That's business.
I don't know.
You know they're
eventually going to find out.
Yeah, by the time they
find out we'll be paying
back the loan, and that's
all they really want.
I guess.
Look, you know those
restaurants that sell
paintings?
You think they got a loan
for an art gallery and a
restaurant?
No, they added that later.
That's true.
-But still...
-Yeah, that is true!
But still nothing!
This is the last bank.
Do you want this
loan or not?
Alright.
Let me fix you up.
Ba-bip-bam.
Passed you a wave, fool.
-Badow!
-Oh shit, let's go.
The restaurant
will serve chili?
That's it?
That's it.
Just chili.
Such a simple idea.
It could actually work.
Uh, looks like you guys
have really good credit, too.
Not one negative
thing pops up.
Why do you seem
annoyed by this?
Approving a loan means i
have a lot of paperwork in
front of me.
So, we got the loan?
Well, it's not
a slam dunk yet.
The application process
takes a few days and
you'll have to give a
short presentation to the
loan board.
But it looks good?
Unfortunately.
Guess I'll have to start
looking for my pen.
I gotcha!
Badass, right?
What the fuck is that?
Edm, man!
Electronic dance music!
Like skrillex, d-
are you kidding me?
Steve aoki? David guetta?
Dude, get up, get
up, get up, here.
I'll pull some of
this up on YouTube, c'mon.
Watch that.
-Yeah, what is he doing?
-He's killing it!
Doing what?
Slaying it!
Is he leading an
aerobics class?
Yeah, he's loving it up
there, he's like, woo!
But who's
playing the music?
What do you mean? He's djing.
He's uh, playing
the records.
The song just changed.
Uh huh.
And his arms are in the
air. Is he djing with his dick?
Because that, to me,
would be impressive.
Yeah, that would be impressive.
He's a dick jockey.
Can I show you
how to dj please?
Yeah, show him
how to do it.
You keeping it
in your pants?
Yeah, I'm definitely
keeping it in my pants.
What am I, a priest?
Okay.
Uh, where's your turntables?
Go for it.
What the fuck is that?
The, yeah, like
turntables.
Like you scratch
them and shit.
No, where do you
put your records?
You, they're in
the computer.
You put all your records
in the computer?
No, well, I mean
the music is, yeah.
And then, I'm confused.
You just, yeah.
There, like,
that's the music.
It's all there. It's...
-And then, this..
-Yeah, you search it, you find
-whatever you want.
-Mhmm.
There it is, and play.
-Play it here.
-Yeah.
And then...
Oop!
Alright, alright!
Here, put this shit on.
This is awesome!
This is djing!
Hey!
-H-hey!
-Hey, what's going on here?
Hi.
I see you guys, uh, you
guys met each other.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You never told me you had
such cool friends, mom.
Yeah. They're cool.
They're really cool.
Just teaching
him how to dj.
Uh huh, yeah.
He's good, he's
really good.
That's great,
that's... that's great.
I didn't think that
you'd meet them so soon.
I thought they'd
be gone by now.
Are you taking off?
Uh, yeah.
Uh, I don't know.
Hey honey, I want to talk
to them real quick, okay?
Can you go to your room?
It's old people talk.
It's, it's really boring.
Yeah, yeah! Of course.
Nice kid.
These guys are
really cool, mom.
They're super cool, yeah. Yeah.
Hi!
Ta-daa!
Hey!
What was the one
thing I told you guys?
You said a lot
of fucking shit. I mean...
I said I didn't want
you to meet my son.
Get it? Remember that?
You guys are
pissing me off here.
It's better to be pissed
off than pissed on.
You're pissed?
Your dad stole our idea!
What?
Starbucks!
That's his
company, isn't it?
What?
My dad has nothing
to do with Starbucks.
Listen, you're not the
guilty party in this.
You don't have
to protect him.
Yeah, he has
nothing to do with s...
I beg to differ.
I'd like to say
something to that.
No, no, no, that's okay.
Well, I'm just
going to leave.
Um, you know that ham
sandwich in the refrigerator?
Is that anybody's
in particular?
Never mind.
So, Reeves and I are going
to open a restaurant.
Really?
Hey, good luck with that.
But, however, uh, due to
bad planning, uh, with the
money, uh, as you can see
we bought new clothes,
hence why I look like
Charlie brown, we have no
money for a motel and we
can't keep sleeping in the Van.
And Brad happened to tell
us about this great guest
house you have out back.
Yeah, no. No, no.
You're not going to
sleep in my guest house.
No, no,l-just
listen, listen. Listen.
Let me finish.
In exchange for letting us
stay, we'll make dinner
for you and Brad
every night.
No.
It's only going to be for
like a week or two and I
understand the whole thing
about role models, but
look, we no longer
look homeless.
That's a good start, right?
We'll be very respectful,
promise not to stay out
late, we won't curse.
Hold on. Fuckity fuck fuck fuck.
I just had to
get that out.
No drugs.
I won't stay out late.
Did I mention that?
I may have mentioned it
twice but that's because
I'm not going to do it.
Did I tell you how pretty
your hair looks with the
gray in it?
And I'm not just saying
that to make you feel good
about yourself.
It's very becoming.
Come on, help out
an old friend.
An old boyfriend?
A recent orphan?
That's right.
I'm sorry.
We have history.
I've been inside your...
Yeah, I'll be right
here if you need me.
Yeah, okay, no... boundaries!
I...
Okay, look at me.
My son is the most
important thing in my
life, and I'm going to
hold you to your promises.
I promise.
Pinky promise?
Please pinky
promise with me.
Is that your pinky?
I want a promise.
Please somebody help me.
You can stay.
Thank you.
Do you remember when we
used to hold pinkies?
What?
-No, we never did this.
-W-we did this.
No, that's your
other girlfriend.
W-we did some other
stuff, but uh.
That didn't invoke...
I'll see ya later.
So why you tell her we
don't do drugs anymore.
'Cause we don't do drugs.
We smoke weed.
Weed's not a drug.
Weed grows from the earth.
This is the earth
we're smoking.
We're giving back
to mother nature.
Hello mom, welcome
to my mouth.
Besides, we can
still smoke.
We just can't
do it indoors.
Gotta crack a
window or some shit.
Can't let Debbie find out.
Oh, and I told her we'd be
cooking for her and the
kid every night.
Fuck you did.
Tonight's your night.
I'll cook tomorrow.
Where you going?
She gonna show me
the old neighborhood.
Why can't I go?
'Cause you're cooking.
Wait a minute, you're
fuckin' her so you should cook.
Well, if I was fuckin' her
that'd be a great deal,
but I don't think she
likes me like that anymore.
What ch...
So so you say you're the
cook and I'll go fuck her.
You know what?
That sounds like
a great plan.
I'll see you
when we get back.
Bye, fucker.
Oh, no.
Oh, yeah, that's my shit.
Lisa Lisa.
I can't believe how many
times you made me listen
to can
you feel the beat!
Can you
feel, can you feel,
ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca.
-Oh yeah.
-Oh man.
I'm gonna make you
feel that beat.
Oh dear.
Thank god Brad missed
this time in history.
Y'know speaking of
history, what happened to
Brad's, um, father?
Oh wow, that was smooth.
Didn't work out,
short story.
Obviously it
didn't work out.
What's the story story?
How'd you meet him?
What's his name?
Who is this guy?
His name's David, I met
him 14 years after you
vanished from my life...
I mean, I'm 16 years old,
the love of my life drives
away, I never
see him again.
You know, talk about
abandonment issues.
You really screwed
me up, you know?
If I knew you were dead or
that you were kidnapped it
would make sense, but
there's always that
possibility that you...
You hated everything in
your life and you just
wanted to run away.
You run away from me.
And every boyfriend
after that unconsciously
I thought would
abandon me too.
At least that's what my
therapist said when he
broke up with me.
I'm sorry.
I don't know, it's not
like I intended for any of
this to happen
either, you know?
It's not easy for me.
I'm still trying to
comprehend what's going on.
And I didn't mean to meet
Brad, it was an accident.
He just came home early.
Er-did he skip school?
No, don't trip.
Not early like that.
Like, I mean, earlier than i
thought he'd be home.
I-hey, it is hard raising
a kid on your own, okay?
And I worry. That's
what moms do.
I worry that he's going to
break a bone or that he's
going to fall into
the wrong crowd.
He's not going to fall
into the wrong crowd.
Well, you, you
don't know him.
I know you, and
you're his mom.
And with a mom like you
i think he's going to be
just fine.
Thanks.
Oh shit, you hear that?
Yeah, I do.
Okay, you ready?
Yeah, no. Don't do it. Don't!
I'm gonna pass you a wave.
Don't do it!
Here it comes! Catch it!
If you don't release that
wave it's gonna come out
in traffic!
Don't, please don't do it!
You're gonna be making a
left turn and whoa!
And then a u-turn.
You can't just have
waves floating around.
Alright okay, okay. Here's my,
here's my move. Go, go, go...
Hey, that's my move.
I call that the
"twist and dash."
Yo, are you ready?
No, I'm searching for my
parents on the computer.
It's called Facebook.
People list a bunch of
useless information.
Like this guy right here.
He's about to
brush his teeth.
Now he's done.
Oh, I got a
friend request.
Oh shit.
From Nigeria?
Maybe you have long lost
relatives in Nigeria.
Well, he doesn't look
like anybody in my family
alright, let's go.
Alright.
Oh!
Do I have the
wrong number?
What is this?
Do I, do I know you guys?
Hey, that look like
fucking Sanchez, doesn't it?
But older and uglier!
- Yeah!
I can hear you!
They created a game where
you can put your family in!
I'm not a game.
That's crazy, that's
better than pac man or
asteroids!
You see that?
I'm not a game,
I'm on the Skype!
He's on planet Skype!
Where is this planet?
Oh!
We're on earth!
What are your coordinates?
Where the fuck
is my daughter?
He's on planet Skype and
his daughter's missing!
Oh shit!
Oh my god, it's
you two idiots.
We're businessmen now.
Yep.
We're opening businesses.
I thought you
guys were dead.
Anyway, good talking
to you, dirty.
Do not disconnect me.
-Hey, hey, hey, hey!
-Bye, buddy.
Cabrones!
And it's gonna be called
the chili pot, and we're
just gonna serve chili.
Yes.
Just chili.
That's gonna
pay the rent?
20 bucks a bowl.
For chili?
Well, it has a
special ingredient.
It has cannabis in it.
No you're not.
Oh yes we are. It's our recipe.
You are not selling
pot in my property.
Oh, no, no,
sir, it's okay.
Marijuana is legal now.
So are titty bars, but
you're not going to open
up one of them in
my building either.
Who would think thirty
years later there'd be
still be racism
in America?
That had nothing
to do with race.
Are you kidding me?
The guy was white and
he was a landlord.
Man, those confederate
types just don't like us.
I don't think it had
anything to do with us.
It was the weed
he didn't like.
Look, I say this time we
try it again, just like
the bank, but
leave out the weed.
Okay.
-Alright?
-Alright.
Boom!
Dudes!
I don't think
we're gonna have to hide
that part about the weed.
Mm.
Hey, so, everything's
included in the kitchen,
in the rent?
'Cause it looks perfect to
make chili with weed in it.
Yeah, it's all included.
Chili with weed in it.
Wow.
Right on, you know, I once
replaced my bong water
with soup.
Yeah.
Yeah, it was wild.
You know, we'll take it.
I don't know if I have
that bong anymore, man.
-That was like, years ago.
-No, no, no...
The whole place. Rent...
Oh right, cool,
yeah, right.
That'll be a
$5000 deposit.
Hey, can you just,
hold it for us?
We're just waiting on the
bank to give us the money.
No, no can do.
And just so you two know,
i got some other dudes
coming in here tomorrow
afternoon to check out the
place, so you know...
Peace out.
Mm, but peace
though, really.
No, I mean it. Peace out.
I gotta get out of here.
That place was great.
You think the bank will
give us a loan while we're
waiting on a loan?
It's worth it.
We could give it a shot.
Yo, I just realized my
grandparents used to put
away money for me every
year, and I wasn't allowed
to touch it
until I was 21.
Oh shit!
You look like you
could pass for 21 now.
I think so.
It's gotta be like over
$4000 in that account.
$4000?
Bro, with the combining
interest loans
buried in the dividends...
That's thirty years?
That's gotta be
like $400,000.
Yeah.
You just saved the day.
Mmm!
Guys, this is delicious.
It's my mom's
secret recipe.
What we used to do is make
it all from scratch, then
we'd go to the store and
get some store-bought
chili, put it in there to
add a little flavor to it.
Wait, that's the
secret recipe?
Yeah, was, up until now.
Did you know that Clark
gable ate chili the night
before he died?
Where the hell'd
you hear that?
On goggle.
On.. What?
On the computer, if you
look up, like, you can
stuff words in like
"chili, goggle," and then
-oh, no no, no.
-Uh, goggle...
Google.
Listen, I was, i
goggled last night.
Yeah, goggle
sounds like a word.
It's Google. Yeah, g-o-o-g-l-e.
Google.
Well people spell tomato
different ways too.
What the fuck is a Google?
W-Google.
It's like a search engine.
You search stuff in it.
I didn't look for
a mechanic, okay?
I was looking for chili.
Yeah, you wear goggles,
you don't wear googles.
Or you gotta wear
protective goggles, not
protective googles.
Y-but it, it's not
spelled "goggles."
You don't get drunk and
have beer googles you have
beer goggles.
They're not googgles. They're
not for your eyes.
It's Google, like
g-o-o-g-l-e.
Then what is it for?
-For searching for stuff!
-And what do you search with?
Your eyes.
Checkmate, mother fucker.
Agh!
What's the matter?
What happened?
Ah, I messed up my
arm at the bmx track.
-Bmx track?
-Yeah, agh.
Oh, who went?
All of us. It was fun.
All of you?
What did I say about that?
Well you said you weren't
going to take me!
These guys said they
would, so I said okay.
I wasn't going to take you
because it's dangerous.
It's not dangerous,
it's bmx.
It's fine.
He got hurt!
He's old!
Old people get hurt
doing anything.
Okay, I'll be alright.
You're not helping.
Look, no it's
fine, mom. We were fine.
We went, we had fun, we
relaxed, we were, we were
wearing our pads
and helmets.
-We were fine, right?
-Mhmm.
If it's so safe, why do
you have to wear pads
and helmets?
My house, my rules.
You never let me
do anything fun!
You got, you like, keep
me cooped up in the house
like I can't do anything,
like a fun-killer for
crying out loud.
Hey!
What's with all the helmets
and pads nowadays anyway?
Well that's what you do
now with dangerous things.
Everyone wears
helmets and pads.
Back in the day, the only
people that wore helmets
and pads were retards and
women on their periods.
Oh god, i-I'm raising
three children here.
I think she's on her
helmet right now.
Weber, correct.
Harris.
Can you just tell me
what my account is?
Alright, thank you.
Yo, I had $4,000
in that account.
I had a quarter percent
interest over thirty years.
I've got $4,400.
The landlord guy
needs $5,000.
We're fucked.
You're gonna need
to sell the Van.
I can't sell the Van, man.
That's my only Van!
It was your only Van.
Once we get the loan,
we'll buy back the Van.
But in the meantime,
we need the money.
But in the meantime,
we need the money.
Who the fuck is that?
Who the fuck is that?
Why are you mocking me?
Why are you mocking me?
It's Brad's iPad, this
thing, it's....
It's Brad's iPad...
It repeats
everything you say.
It repeats everything you say.
I just said that.
I just said that.
Do you want to smoke?
Do you want to smoke?
Well clearly I do.
Well clearly I do.
Look, blow some weed into
it, blow weed into it.
-Now, now what?
-Do you feel high?
Are you a high-pad?
Are you a high-pad?
How much you get?
Seven hundred bucks.
The fuck?
That's what I said.
Apparently the guy from
the list of Craig said
that's all he truck is
worth, because, you know,
vintage, and, you know,
cheetos everywhere.
I kind of trust him, too,
because Craig wouldn't put
a list together of
people he didn't trust.
Who the fuck is Craig?
Some guy, he has a list of
everybody's shit, and they
just go to him to sell it.
Where do you find this
guy, does he have a store?
I dunno, Craig,
he's on the um...
The Webber.
The world wide web.
That computer shit
we were lookin' at?
Yeah, it was like
something about twitting?
Apparently the people
who twit go to face...
I haven't figured it out
but Craig knows everybody.
You can get everything
from skis to a blow job.
Ooh, we should've
gotten blow jobs.
I gotta shit.
Try to use the
toilet this time.
Right.
-Hi.
-Hey.
Hi. Does it look like
I'm flying?
It does, superman.
I want to talk to you
about the other morning.
Oh.
You were fine.
No, I was wrong.
You guys have gone out of
your way to include Brad.
And I appreciate it.
And now you're letting him
help with the restaurant
stuff, and,
it's very cool.
Interesting
concept, by the way.
Concept?
Mhmm.
What did he say?
Well, you're only going
to serve chili, right?
That's all he said?
What else should he say?
Nothing.
Nope, nothing.
Dinner tonight?
Oh, I forgot to tell you.
You don't have to
cook dinner tonight.
I'm going out
with the girls.
Oh.
Yeah.
Okay.
I'll see you later.
No problem.
You guys should take
me bungee jumping
this weekend.
What the fuck is
bungee jumping?
I dunno.
Is that in your underwear?
What the fuck is
bungee jumping?
You know, like when you
jump off a bridge with,
like, a bungee.
Why do you say that like
we should know this shit?
Why would you do.. Why
would the fuck you
-jump off a bridge?
-'Cause it's fun.
You know that we're
not white, right?
-Yes, exactly.
-That's not shit we would do.
Why the fuck would you
jump off a bridge?
I got to check
with your mom.
I mean, you don't
have to tell her.
Uh-uh, I promised i
wouldn't let you do any
fuckin' dumb shit.
The fuck?
It's bros before hoes.
Thank you.
Hello?
Hey, it's the
best bud guy.
Hey bud.
Bud.
How old is he?
What, are you hitting'
on me, pervert?
I can't conduct business
if anyone around is underage.
You're conducting
business with us, boy.
Watch your god damn tone.
He's 21.
Listen here rockford
files, you take your case
somewhere else.
His parents are midgets.
The keebler family.
That's keebler sutherland.
Keeble it to yourself.
If you have a good
girl, she's a keebler.
Selling chili
with weed in it?
That's brilliant.
You guys are going to
need about ten flavors to start.
I got the super skunk,
og kush, white widow,
blueberry kush...
- Which one's the best?
All of this
stuff is chronic.
Then we'll take all of it.
And those free little
pens that come with it.
My friend, this
is a vaporizer.
Whoa-whoa, watch
that vaporizer.
Whoa, hey, I don't
want to lose my friend.
Your laser...
The force is not with you!
It's not a star
trek thing, guys.
Just push down on the
button, inhale and try it out.
Oh, in my mouth.
These new designs, they
let you regulate the vapor
density so you get more
hits per cartridge.
Mm.
Oh, that's good
stuff, hold on.
Smooth.
Oh, hey, easy guys.
You barely have to hit it.
That's what she said.
I'm hitting it
from the front.
Great thing about these
new models, vaporization
only happens
when you inhale.
-So, rule of thumb...
-Mmm!
Use about maybe half
the weed that you would
smoking in a joint.
Half?
And the high is stronger.
Mhmm.
Better high, less money,
and completely healthy.
I tell you what, I feel so
fucking healthy right now.
Fantastically healthy.
I think I'm
doing mine wrong.
How could you be 47 and
do that without falling?
Age ain't nothin'
but a number!
Okay, okay.
Are you ready?
Well, I haven't
done this in...
I haven't done
this in years, so.
Okay...
-Woo!
-Whoa!
Don't trip.
Why you trippin', fool?
You've got it.
You've got it.
Pontiac or Toyota,
who was that?
Hey guys.
Hi.
This place looks, uh...
Fun.
What's this the
donations jar?
Oh that's for my
friend on Facebook.
Oh, the one from Nigeria.
Yes!
Yes! How'd you know? Nasim!
Yeah, it's a scam.
That is exactly what
nasim said you would say.
It is a scam.
Yeah.
'Cause he knows
it's a scam.
No, he needs a
foot transplant.
Anyway, this is bullshit.
Let's get somebody to
help us paint, man.
We don't have
any money left.
But we have weed.
Weed is currency.
Yo, next time we give
these guys the weed
after they paint.
Next time we
pay 'em in cash.
We don't have any
more cash, remember?
And we don't have
any more weed.
What?
How the fuck are we gonna
make chili with weed in it
if we don't have any weed
to put in the chili?
I know.
That's why I called
the best bud guy.
So, problem solved.
Problem not solved.
We don't have
any more money.
What?
What?
You just now
telling me this?
I just now told
you just now.
Hello!
-Oh shit!
-Shit!
I have bad news.
Well, just tell me
the good news first.
Oh, there is no good news.
What do you mean
there's no good news?
Well, oh, actually
there's good news for me.
I can't give you
gentlemen the loan.
But you said we
had good credit.
I said it looks like you
have really good credit.
Turns out you don't
have any credit at all.
Yeah, but...
Can't they look at it
like, we haven't missed a
payment in like
three decades?
They could, but they
won't, because that's not
how it works.
Banks don't give loans to
people without credit.
So you brought your big
Wally-happy ass down here,
granola-eatin',
folgers-coffee drinkin',
to tell us this shit?
Well, it wasn't a problem.
I had the afternoon free
since I didn't have to do
your paperwork.
Well, I'm gonna go
get some frogurt.
Bye guys!
What a frogin' asshole.
See, I told you.
Racism is still alive.
Still alive!
We're fucked.
He can't give us a loan
because we ain't got no credit.
Gentlemen!
All I need is a signature
and a payment and we're all set.
Right, um, about
the payment thing.
A funny thing happened
with the, you know how
business is, you know.
Got the signature,
but the payment...
Can I be straight?
There's been a..
Accounting error.
Yeah, so we're gonna
have to get this on...
Credit?
Credit?
Okay, let me explain
to you something about
credit, alright?
I gave you credit in
the first delivery.
Still haven't gotten
payment for that.
So, when I get payment for
that, you get some more weed.
Look, man. Look around, okay?
We're just about to
open this place, right?
We're gonna be busy, busy,
making money, chili,
money, chili,
weed, everything.
We're gonna be successful,
we're gonna be your number
one people.
We're gonna be your...
Thing!
Economics.
Hold on, hold on,
let me handle this.
Look, you're a
businessman.
I'm a businessman.
Business is how
business is.
That's how this
country was built.
Capiche?
Pilgrims helped
the Indians.
The Indians helped
the pilgrims.
We're just asking for the
same deal the Indians got.
And not my Indians.
The other ones.
Okay, let me explain
to you guys a little
something about the
deal the Indians got.
Pilgrims took their land,
gave 'em blankets covered
in smallpox.
Allegedly.
Smallpox?
That's free.
Weed? Costs money.
No cash, no grass.
What are you, a
fuckin' poet now?
I don't need smallpox!
These people, these are
not good businesspeople.
Did you know that Bruce
Lee was actually born in
San Francisco?
I did know this.
I can't believe i
messed up on counting.
I can, you were wasted.
We're always wasted.
Maybe that's our problem.
You're gonna have to ask
Debbie for the money.
Are you fucking crazy?
Yeah, picture that.
"Oh hey Deb, can I borrow
a few thousand bucks so I
can buy some weed?"
Yeah. She'll lose her shit and
kick us out of her place.
We'll end up homeless.
Tell her it's for
something else!
I can't lie to her.
You been lying
this whole time!
Yeah, well i
don't like it.
Listen, she's
against weed.
You don't have
a future, okay?
She's our last hope.
Roll the dice, man.
Hey guys.
Debbie!
-Hey!
-Hey, hello.
Speaking of nice shirts.
-Hi!
-Hey!
So, uh, what are
you doing here?
I took off work early.
Brad told me
you'd be here.
Cool, Brad told her.
Look at that.
Well, I told Brad that i
would take him skydiving.
Alright.
Off to the gym.
You guys have fun.
Okay, well...
Look at you,
skipping work, huh?
Sit down.
It's a beautiful day.
Let's go for a walk.
Alright.
So, you just...
Took the day off
work today? Just like that?
Just like that.
I mean, a few weeks ago i
would've never considered
that, but if my
boss gets annoyed...
So what, right?
I guess.
What changed?
I dunno, I just feel like
i haven't been living my life.
Forgot how to have fun
along the way, know what I mean?
I do.
I do know what you mean.
You have a lot
do with that.
I do?
I'm the reason you
played hooky today?
Yes! I mean look at you, you
don't worry about anything.
So you think I don't
have any worries?
What do you have
to worry about?
Oh, okay. Your secrets again.
We didn't have enough
money to finish the restaurant.
Can't you get a loan?
Well...
Pelican point bank was
going to give us a loan,
but then, we don't have
any credit, so no.
Well, you know what?
There are other banks.
Well, where're you going?
Woop, woop!
Wait, now you
want to dance?
I want to talk!
You're afraid that she's
not going to accept you
because you're a pothead,
and in my book,
that's chicken.
Okay, number one,
I'm not a chicken...
Guys. I got you the loan!
-Haaa!
-What?
My friend Julie works at
the pelican point bank.
She spoke with the
original loan officer, and
he still likes your idea.
No, they already said no
and we don't have any
credit anyways.
I'm gonna co-sign!
Oh! God, no.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah!
-No, no, no.
Your credit is no
longer an issue.
All you have to do is
go in, give your
little presentation and
you're all set.
I am so excited for you!
Me too!
Pow!
I love it when
Debbie gets excited.
Well that went well.
No the fuck it didn't!
She thinks we're opening
up a normal restaurant.
We are!
I gotta get her to cancel.
No! Whoa!
I can't have her sign
this shit under false pretenses.
Deb?
Debbie, I...
Hoo, I...
Oh my...
G-good god.
Um, d... Deb.
Debbie Deb Deb,
dooby dub da...
God damn, you
look fantastic.
I uh...
I.. I just gotta...
I just want to talk to
you about something real quick.
I t-tits, talk, toody,
tit-tot-tot-too-dot tits, talk.
Jesus Christ, I wanted to
tell you your tits have
dropped perfectly
over the years.
I, um...
I haven't seen, s...
These, or anything this...
Shade.
I was with Reeves for a
long time, and uh, this is
far better than I...
We really need to work
on your compliments.
Debbie?
Deb?
Debbie?
Oh for fuck's sakes.
Yo, where's Debbie?
You didn't tell
her, did you?
I tried
to, but she wanted to fuck,
and I didn't want to be rude.
She showed up naked and i
showed up with a boner.
Well, she left you
a little message.
Sorry I can't be at
the bank with you.
Good luck today.
Fuck.
I gotta call her, dude.
And tell her what?
The truth.
The truth?
Look, you gonna
sabotage us.
I'm not trying to
sabotage, I mean, she put
up too much fucking money.
Trust me.
Let me call
her real quick.
Fucking voicemail!
Good.
We gotta cancel
this meeting.
Listen, this
is all I have.
I sold my Van. I have nothing!
I don't want to fuck her
over, and I don't want to
fuck you over, you're
my best friend.
But we gotta tell somebody
the truth somewhere.
We gotta figure
something out.
Wait a minute.
I might have something.
There's this thing on
here called powerpoint.
With a few adjustments,
and some editing
cut-pastes...
Can I ask you something?
Hm?
How the fuck'd you get
so good on the computer?
Mrs. hunt's typing class.
Damn, I should've
paid attention.
I kept staring at
Mrs. hunt's...
Legs.
I got it.
I really wish Debbie
would've called me back
this morning.
It's actually
better like this.
Once she sees we've turned
around these stiff types,
she'll be ready
to jump on board.
Shall we begin
the presentation?
Oh, we're not
ready just yet.
God, this chili
is god damn...
It's good!
You spiked it!
I put a little
product in it.
How much?
Enough to get the loan.
Yummy!
Can I have some more?
Oh, ye...
You, here, certainly can.
Oh, heh, thank you.
I-i see you gentlemen
have a loan guarantor,
Ms. Sanchez?
Uh, she can't be here
today, but she's ready to
sign the papers upon
the bank's approval?
Do we have any
bigger spoons?
Okay, time for
the presentation.
This is our
projected income.
Yep.
-These are beans...
-Uh, hold on. Go back a slide.
Hm?
Do you have any actual numbers
for your projected profit?
No.
But it will look like
this, the money.
-We'll stack it better.
-Yeah.
These are some of
the ingredients.
Mainly beans, tomatoes,
this is Greg, he's a cow,
-um, corn.
-Corn.
-Onions...
-Uh, whoa whoa whoa.
Uh, stop the clock, uh,
go back a slide or two.
-Hm? Hm? The, the corn?
-No,just one more, one more.
Greg.
Forward.
Go forward one slide.
-Hm? Th-this one?
-Back.
Back, back back back!
Uh, hm...
I'm sorry, is that...
Is that marijuana?
It's...
Legal cannabis?
Alright, can we get
the lights back on?
-No, no, no!
-Sir, sir!
Let me understand
something here.
You're gonna sell chili
that has marijuana in it?
Yes!
That's why it's
called the chili pot.
Chili.
Pot.
Chili pot.
Alright, I think
we can stop here.
A pot restaurant is not
the sort of establishment
that our bank can support.
It would be bad
for our image.
Actually, I was going
to address that.
Can we continue?
I really don't
see the point.
Please.
There's more chili.
Huh?
Please, there's
lots of it.
Okay, alright.
Alright, go for
it, go for it.
Just... that's
very full, alright.
Weed has been a part
of our history and our fabric.
When Washington was
crossing the Delaware, do
you think he was sober?
I mean, who stands
up in a boat?
A high man.
George Washington,
weed smoker.
Ben Franklin.
Do you think that "hey,
let's go fly a kite in the
middle of a storm"
was a sober idea?
That's where the term
"high as a kite" comes from.
Ah!
Ben Franklin, bong owner.
There's his supplier.
Cancer!
The big c.
Many people in
this town have it.
And are going to
die from it soon.
Shouldn't they have access
to something that's going
to make the time
pass slower?
Weed does that.
Picture thousands of
tombstones that read:
"My death was not quick,
thanks to pelican point bank."
Marijuana: Gateway
drug, right?
Wrong!
Marijuana is a
gateway to pancakes.
Cinnabon.
Anything ending in -ito.
Fritos, doritos,
cheetos, burritos.
Hundreds of foods that may
not be palatable to the
normal tastebud.
But to somebody on
marijuana, delicious.
And they go out hunting
for it night after night.
Pelican point bank:
Economy stimulator.
Marijuana is not only
embraced by the outcast now.
It is mainstream.
Some former potheads and
current are doing very
well for themselves
right now.
Woody Harrelson.
Sean penn.
Snoop dogg.
I thought you
couldn't make it.
- My meeting got out early
-cheech & Chong.
Merle haggard.
Bill Clinton.
You didn't tell me it was
a marijuana restaurant.
What?
Barack Obama, the
commander in chief.
God bless this
conference room,
and god bless America.
Debbie!
Debbie!
I was gonna tell you.
When?
When were you
gonna tell me?
After I co-signed
the loan?
I, um...
I know this looks bad.
Oh my god.
You've been lying to
me this whole time.
I trusted you
around my son.
I don't know what to say.
How about "I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I didn't realize
how my actions would
affect people."
How about this one?
"I'm sorry you found weed in
Brad's backpack this morning."
Yeah, I did.
-Listen...
-No, I'm done listening to you.
You're a fucking
irresponsible man-child.
You suck me in, you make
me think I can live this
carefree day-to-day life,
but you forgot to tell me
the secret.
It only works if
you don't grow up.
But you wouldn't
realize that.
You didn't think that
through, because that
takes reflection.
You know what
really hurts?
I started to
believe in us again.
Hey!
-Hey.
-Did you get the loan?
No.
I left a note for
your mom inside.
W-wait, you're leaving?
Your mom found out
about the restaurant.
She's pissed.
Says we're bad
role models.
She said that?
She's right.
We're fuckin' idiots.
And do yourself a favor
and stop hiding your weed
in your backpack.
She went through my stuff?
Are you kidding me?
God.
That's what the
note's about.
I told her the weed was
mine, that I put
it in there, you didn't know
anything about it.
So you're good.
No, no, no, no.
You can't say that, because,
you gotta go get that note.
Because if you say that,
she's not gonna let you
guys come back.
It's too late, buddy.
No, this is bullshit, man!
I was smoking weed long
before you guys ever
showed up, alright?
This is my fault.
I'll take the rap, I'll
tell her the honest truth.
It'll be fine.
She'll let you
guys stay, okay?
Listen, when you get
older you'll understand.
Right now, just, things
aren't as clear-cut as
they seem.
Besides, what's really
important is your mom
believes in your innocence
rather than mine.
Here's the key.
Yo, this shit was way
easier to do 30 years ago.
Woof.
Still mad at me?
Dude, I can't believe
you left me, man.
It would've worked if you
just waited a couple of seconds.
Look, man.
I had to do something.
There'll be other banks,
but there's only one Debbie.
I had to take a shot.
If it makes you feel any
better, I lost her too.
Does make me feel
a little better.
I didn't want to lose
my best friend as well.
Just love me, man.
-Stop.
-Won't you hug me?
We slept together for 30
years, you won't hug me now?
Stop! You're making a pbs
moment, man!
I'm not inside you!
-Damn it.
-Holy shit!
-What?
-Look at that!
What?
Right there, where
the light is!
You mean all that
weed by the tree?
Oh shit!
Weed never used to
grow there before.
Maybe the bird droppings
have been dropping on the
tree acting as fertilizer.
No, there used to
be trees there.
Now the sun can get
through, and it's
reflecting off
the rock and...
Growing takes reflection!
Three times
three is eight!
Debbie said it to me.
I didn't know what the
fuck she was talking about.
I don't know what the
fuck you talking about.
Because there's no trees
there, the sunlight can
get through, it reflects off the
rock, and it feeds the weed.
If we clear all these
trees away on the side of
this hill...
With all that light...
We won't need a loan!
Exactly.
More weed! Oh shit!
We'll be weed farmers!
-Ahhh!
-Ahhh!
We gonna be rich!
Ahh!
Alright, just put
that on your table sir.
We need a chili thai
kush and a Maui wow-y
pineapple.
We're out of all that,
can you pass it through.
Oh, okay, well...
I'll let him know.
Oh.
-Hey.
-Hi.
Yep, this is it.
Yes, this is it.
This is it.
Mm.
It's... you have artwork, too.
Yeah, it was Reeves' idea.
Uh huh, it's uh,
it's interesting.
This is the, uh, the angel
covered in, angel of flies.
Lord of the flies.
Uh huh.
'Cause he's like, brown,
just a, piece of shit, but
he's covered in flies.
Okay, so, um, can we
sit down for a minute?
Need any avon?
How's my favorite client.
W-what are you doing here?
Remember how I knew
a guy who knew a guy?
Turns out he knows a guy.
G-15.
It's primo shit.
What's your price?
Surprised to see you here.
I know how much you
don't like chili.
Ha! Just kidding.
It's weed.
I know that you're
against weed.
Well, you know, I just
want to keep it away from
Brad as long as possible.
I want to keep
him innocent.
That's what mom's do.
Um, tomorrow night there
is an old school concert.
You want to go with me?
You mean you
and, you and me?
-Yeah.
-Together?
Yeah.
Uh, yeah. Please.
Does that mean,
uh, you forgive me?
Well...
Baby steps.
You know why?
Why?
'Cause of what
you did for Brad.
I know you covered up for
him about that weed in his
backpack, and I know that
you've been helping him
with his schoolwork for
the past few months, and
he's been doing great.
Thank you.
I think you can thank
yourself a little bit too.
It was a selfless act.
Oh.
-I did a selfless act?
-Yes.
Yeah, I know, i-i
did that on purpose.
I'm really good
at being selfless.
Here's another selfless
act I'd like to do.
No, that was selfish.
No, it was definitely
not shellfish.
That was mint.
Um...
That was not selfish.
You know how I know?
'Cause it made you smile.
Come here.
Want to get out of here?
Uh, yes, please.
Yes I do.
Just let me go tell Reeves
that I'm leaving, okay?
Okay.
Reeves?
No, more, more!
Uh, yeah, right
there! Right there!
Joe?
Reeves?
Don't you stop,
don't you stop!
Oh yeah.